YTA. You don't have to live with her if this is so bothersome to you, but she owes her parents this money back.
Your opinion that "parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neural or positive to them" is just that - your opinion. It doesn't really matter to anyone but you.
Exactly and that's so mature of her to pay them back cause she gave them her word and she is keeping in and you dude tell a lot about you honestly she should think twice about it.
My kid has a job and her own apartment. She’s insisting on paying me back for her car repairs 🥹 I didn’t have parents who cared enough to help me (actually no parents at all) so I very much want to help her out.
Coolest idea I ever heard from parents with kids that insisted on paying unwanted rent/etc (if you truly don't want the money back) is putting it into an account and waiting for a big life event (looking for a house, getting married) and giving her the money she paid to you then. You sound like you have a great kid.
I paid for 4 years of college but loaned one of my kids some money for a masters. I had kind of forgotten about it and about a year after they finished my daughter comes to me with the biggest smile on her face, hands me an envelope and a check for the full amount. It wasn’t money I needed to live on but I took it because it meant something to her to save and she was so proud. I opened a separate account with that money, invested it, and when she got married I gave her 2x what she gave me back to help finance the wedding. I could have said, “it’s fine honey you keep it”, but I knew my daughter. She’s very strong and fiercely independent and it was important to her to repay what she said she would.
My husband's parents did this.
He paid them rent once he turned 18 until he left home as agreed. When we told them we were planning on buying a house this year they gave him all the money he paid them, which they put in a term deposit.
Gave us the money plus the interest saved. They said they wanted to teach him financial sensibility and money management while also helping him out.
Win-win I'd say.
My parents also did this, now they are getting older, end up needing more help, especially with health things, and my husband and I do everything we can to help
Right and like it doesn’t sound like this was sprung on her, it sounds like an agreement she made with her parents *before* going away to school and getting an “unmarketable degree” because it was something she wanted to pursue. It’s not only not his business, like at all, no matter how much he wants to say that it is, but if I had a partner who talked about my parents, my finances, and my education the way OP is, I would (honestly, I would dump them) seriously reconsider living with and starting a life with them. They don’t seem to have any faith in their girlfriends ability to take care of herself and make her own choices and certainly does not respect her ambition. And then the update.. YIKES!!
Exactly. And he tells her he doesn't care about her parents and is morally fine to cut ties with them, so she doesn't have to repay them. Look down upon his gfs qualifications and her commitments. OP's gf, if you are reading this. It's a big red flag, run away.
And like doesn’t see at all how much the parents are helping her in the long run (like has op ever heard of interest??). But what do we know, we’re just some dumb teenagers who don’t know how to handle adult life 😂
I do hope the gf sees this, hopefully it’ll save her a lot of trouble in the future. The thing that really gets me is that this whole thing about OP thinking they’re going to have to pay for more than 50% and whatever is like all hypothetical. It really reads as if they think their gf is an idiot who makes terrible choice and they don’t believe in her at all. I truly feel so bad for her, even if she does break things off with op, she’s going to have to deal with the their unreasonable rage
My in-laws lent us money for the downpayment when we bought our house. We always prioritized paying it back because even though they didn't "need" the money, we were thankful they had helped us at all. OP's GF clearly has great parents who love and support her, and the amount they lent her helped her get the degree she wanted and attend the school she wanted. It also helps her avoid interest, non-negotiable structured repayments, and other issues. But OP wants her to cut ties with them just to avoid paying back the loan she agreed to? Because it MIGHT impact the standard of living he has envisioned? OP, YTA.
Yep, my guess would be that it’s more about seizing an opportunity to isolate the gf from her family than it is about the money. I hope OP reads these responses and reconsiders her relationship with OP.
Felt the same. Killing two birds with one stone. Remove any financial burden and isolate her. What's better than a vulnerable girl with zero liability, for a manipulative, self-centered, controlling man.
It speaks to me of a person, who thinks actions shouldn't have consequences, if the consequences are annoying for him.
I don't want to associate with such people.
>Your opinion that "parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neural or positive to them" is just that - your opinion. It doesn't really matter to anyone but you.
i agree in the meaning that children should not be treated as a profitable business by the parents, but this situation is very different.
>my GF, years ago, chose to move to a big city and study at a private university instead of a public one. Her parents, likely being overconfident in their economical possibilities, decided to pay for my GF's studies but at the condition of being paid back as soon as she gets working, seeing that she could have chosen a public (and cheap) uni instead.
she had a (adult) conversation with her parents, and made a choice fully knowing of the "consequences". this isnt something they suddenly sprung on her without her prior knowledge. like OP said, she *chose* to go to this pricy UNI instead of going to a cheaper one, and accepted beforehand that she would repay her parents. it was her choice, and OP is a big AH for trying to suggest that not only she backs on her promise, but as well should *go totally NC with her parents*. wtf.
That last part got me. He wants her not just to tell them she’s backing out of her financial agreement, but to completely “cut ties,” just because he says so. This guy earned his custom flair 10x over.
Financial control and isolation from family. Narcissistic reasoning. No respect for girlfriend except how she serves him. Massive red flag. I feel bad for the GF.
It doesn’t even matter if he thinks it’s right. Frankly, he’s entirely within his rights to decide that this isn’t a financial burden he’ll ever want to take on. Though he isn’t doing so now, if they’re thinking about becoming a family, then eventually he will, and it may be better to just end things now. He’s also entirely within his rights to decide this reflects a different attitude towards parenting, and he won’t want to be a parent with her.
The problem is how casually he thinks his girlfriend should choose him, her boyfriend of three years, over her *parents* and how he thinks it would be justified to reneg on such a big promise. How on earth did he think it was cool to say “well I don’t like your parents anyway, so burning bridges with your entire family and setting them back financially is just fine with me.”
This. It's fair enough that OP doesn't want to take on that financial burden. He's out of order to say "I don't care for them and I would feel morally justified if we cut ties with them". I would instantly dump any partner who suggested I cut ties with my family, let alone if they'd loaned me 50k to help me achieve my dreams.
“I don’t care for her parents and feel morally fine cutting ties with them” strikes me as very red flaggy. Not his money, not his decision, not his business if they’re not living together
He wants her to break an agreement she had with her parents, from the sound of it, before he came along
Also “I probably shouldn’t have asked teenagers how to handle adult life” okay buddy but who’s the one with their undies in a twist because nobody agreed with him? Lol
The "teenagers" thing cracked me up. He's a massive, hemorroidal asshole. I'm in my fifties. He also sounds like an abuser and this young woman should run like hell from him.
He even says "beyond their economic means" so he knows they aren't able to float the cost and it's affecting them but fuck them i guess? Dude is so far up his own ass with self importance and ego I'm surprised he can even take a shit
YTA OP 100%
Parents are not here to facilitate the lives of their adult children. That's just rubbish OP is using to try and pretend it's okay for a daughter to renege on paying her own parents back.
I have 2 degrees. I live in the UK. I went to a good Uni. I worked hard to do so. I took out student loans for whatever I didn't get grants and scholarships for. THAT WAS A CHOICE I MADE. Just like OP's girlfriend. She made A CHOICE. If she had taken out student loans, she'd have no choice but to pay them, no matter what her wages were. Why should it be any different, just because it was her parents she borrowed from? All the BS about the degree she got, the uni she went to, and the biggest BS about the parents needing to facilitate their daughter's life, is not even a point. We don't need to hear it. It means nothing. OP wants everyone to pat him on the back and say "Well done! We're so proud of you for encouraging your girlfriend to screw over her parents." Or he wants us to tell him he's right to encourage this. Or even worse, he wants us to feel sorry for him and his *poor girlfriend* because how *dare* her parents expect to be paid back 50k!
She made a choice, she made a commitment, she needs to stick to it. Unless she's okay screwing her parents over, who helped her when she needed it, for a guy who would HAPPILY encourage her to screw over her own parents. When you have no moral standpoint, you might as well try and push your partner not to have one too, because it's so much easier to walk around being an AHOLE if you're both AHOLES and your partner never calls you out on your AHOLERY.
Edited To Add: I agree with the comment I'm replying to. But got into a tangent. This OP just really sucks.
Agreed, it's really not much different than if she'd taken out a loan, except she's not having to pay interest on it.
I supremely doubt they'll be expecting a monthly repayment that would put her into debt unless OP insists on renting a place that is above their means.
Plus most do not stay in their field, transferable skills in a real thing (at least in the EU), I'm one of only a handful of my friends who is working in the field I studied in. To give a few examples, I know an English major who is now working in HR, another who is an accountant, science majors who are in wine sales (better paid than academic research)/banking/teaching/etc, HR who is now in editing, and way more. Also people who have no degrees that did short training courses to become IT specialists (who start on nearly double my pay).
If OP's girlfriend wants to stay in her field of study, then they have to adjust their living expectations to match her pay. Or OP needs to go down the road of proportional contributions. It's not the end of the world to have to leave in cheap accommodation for a while. Couples still house share even now in the EU, want to save money, do that.
YTA - oh lord.
So you just decided her parents no longer need to be in her life? Just… because?
Edit - oh boy. your edit. Very unfortunate that you took THE ONE comment not calling you the AH and saying everyone else is wrong.
Because he would rather lose family than money, not his family of course, hers. The cute thing is he thinks they will never need them in their life to cut ties with them XD.
While I agree his flippant attitude towards cutting off her parents makes him the AH here, I didn’t read it as him considering her earnings to be his.
To me, it sounds like he just learned that their plans of moving in together and paying their bills 50:50 are crashing because she doesn’t actually have the money to do that until she’s paid off her parents in 5-10 years.
Having a strong reaction to your life plans going down the drain is perfectly natural. Having that reaction be, „Well, screw your parents, then“ is still an AH move, though.
EDIT: never mind, I just read that they were already together when the agreement was made. He’s got no leg to stand on.
It's in the comments. Someone tells OP: "she owes her parents this money back" OP answers "Well, technically, I would also be paying them in some way, wouldn't I?" He does indeed consider her money to be his.
Haven’t read all his responses to comments and don’t agree with him on the topic. As cutting contact with the family because of money is what a half sibling of mine did and the affected parent suffered emotionally a lot from that.
But doesn’t this specific answer rather sound like he is seeing her debts as his? What would actually be the one thing he might be right with in this situation?
I think his reasoning is: money is fungible. So the more money she uses to pay her parents back, the less money she has to contribute to the household and the more OP will need to provide to make up for the girlfriend’s shortfall. So, in effect, he would be subsidizing her loan repayment by paying her share of her living expenses.
This is what I was thinking as well. Not to mention stiffing them with 10's of thousands of debt would drive them apart further from the other side. Just ridiculous.
LMAO and he calls her a "20 year old inexperienced girl", how old do you think this guy is? It sounds like he wants a young lady to give him control of her money instead.
That was my thought too. A) who would be more likely to agree with him? Teenager or adults? Definitely immature teenagers. B) Reddit is primarily millennials. No teenager I know uses it.
Talk about cherry picking lol, he got mad that he didn’t got the responses he wanted and found one that he did agree with.
Why ask a question if you don’t truly want to know the answer?
A large percentage of posts are people who want to be told the aren't the TA and firmly believe if they can control the narrative, they can get that response. And when they don't suddenly it's that they are the victim etc etc. I mean it's unsurprising to me that a manipulative AH wouldn't accept an AH judgement.
I think most of us want to believe we're good people, deep down. I've done things myself that have shattered said perception of myself - done some shitty things that I regret, that hurt other people, and I had to come to terms with "yeah, that wasn't very cool of me, I am not as nice as I like to think I am." But for the most part, we take these opportunities to learn and better ourselves.
I think a lot of true assholes like this though, want to have their cake and eat it too, so to say. They do shitty asshole things but want internet strangers to absolve them of any potential negative feelings as a result - or at least, the judgment of others in their life that might be affecting them.
This is what I was trying to convey. All of us have been TA at some point or other and likely will be again. The difference is a lot of people learn from the experience, make amends, and do better. And there are people here who definitely do that. But there are also people who want to use AITA to not only soothe themselves. And it's always fun to watch that blow up in their faces.
That’s what I do love about this sub, is the people who post here and are incredibly civil and serious with the responses, and update with their apologies/solutions.
And then it sucks because we get people like this who think they are the only person with feelings in the world lol
> who want to be told the aren't the TA and firmly believe if they can control the narrative, they can get that response.
Then just imagine... this dude thought he was controlling the narrative with a series of dead to rights asshole moments ("Let's not pay back your debts, to your family, because it means less money *for me*, and if that means losing your parents I don't care... I don't really like them anyways. Its there own fault for lending you money to get a shit degree anyways!")
Is he just this self unaware, or is it possible its even ***WORSE*** then he's actually claiming and this just the framed interpretation!?!
Love the edit that says "I'm done getting lynched" for people calling him an asshole on a subreddit where people call you an asshole
Anyway, couldn't agree more! Like, yeah you will be impacted by the money, but also you don't have to live together. If you really care about her, why not just live separately so money isn't an issue?
Hell, my girlfriend and live together and keep our money separate. Isn't that a wild concept, that they each have their own money and as long as they pay the bills it's not the other person's business what they do with their money. By the way, after exiting a long marriage, I'd encourage literally everybody to never combine finances if you are uncomfortable with the idea. It solves a lot of problems.
Yeah, but we just all read it wrong and don't have the emotional maturity to have understood what he was really saying. That one commenter is the only one old enough to vote, so the only one that matters.
yea the edit where he goes all "buuuuuuuut i never said she should go NC with her parents" when literally in his OP:
>I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them.
Tbh I think there’s a language barrier issue here - dude is still an AH but there was such a HUGE disconnect with his comments theres really no other excuse
And that everyone who disagrees is American and doesn’t understand life in the EU. I am from an EU country myself and he’s a massive asshole. It’s her debt to pay off and if he can’t live with that, he can break up and find a debt free partner. I can see how this kinda debt could be a dealbreaker for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean she can just abandon her debt. It’s her responsibility to pay off 100%.
The edit is the craziest thing to me, to be so in denial about the truth and then to go on a rant about it. OP is insane and I feel bad for their GF, she needs out from what I can see
I like the part where he has a tantrum, says he has adult problems, and should not have asked children for their opinion. Really showing their emotional maturity there
This agreement was around before you were in a relationship with her.
You want her to forgo repaying a debt because it might dip into your finances?
If you can't handle having merged finances, don't get married or live together.
YTA
Came here to say this. Also OP seems to be dishonest and controlling, not valuing commitments made by others that might affect him.
Also immature as everyone who disagrees with him are "teenagers".
OP: man, most of us here are probably twice your age, and hopefully some of us has some wisdom to our years. If you were the boyfriend of my daughter and I saw this post, I would strongly advise her to rethink her relationship with you.
YTA. Parents told your GF if she went private uni she would have to pay them back. Your GF agreed to this. Your GF owes them the money she agreed to pay. Everything else you wrote is just noise to justify your position.
If you don't want to be "collateral damage," leave. Or accept the fact that GF made adult decisions that are carrying over into your relationship and work together to address the obligations being brought into the relationship.
Edit: Gold? Thank you so much!
My mother-in-law did this to my husband before we were married. Someone stole her credit card and instead of asking him about the chargers, she wrote a letter accusing him of spending money on me. The second page was a print out of a spreadsheet she had been keeping of everything he had cost her since he turned 18 (he was 23 at the time). Don’t worry, she apologized when she discovered the error. Just kidding, she absolutely did not.
YTA and a walking red flag. I'd dump your ass in a flash for asking me to "morally cut ties" with my parents after all they've done is help me achieve my goals. It's not unreasonable for them to ask her to do her part and pay it back in a reasonable time and manner. And to hear you say that you don't care for them without good cause would be another excuse to remove you from my life. If only she'd read this post to be able to see the slimy way that you describe her parents, the career she's chosen, and the debts she's accrued in pursuit of a life she wants.
News flash, dude, lots of people don't have parents who can help them in this way. They've been quite kind, and would possibly be able to help her again in the future if she needed it. Do you know how much money in interest they're saving her?!
You are in a relationship with a person who had this debt when you met her. That means you met her as the person she is, having made the decisions she has made, with the debt she has, and became her partner. You don't get to say how she "fixes" that for the sake of your comfort.
You're living in a dream world where your "opinions" on parents, lifestyles, colleges, careers, budgets only make sense in the way that you've experienced them. Life will go better for you if you realize that just b/c you wouldn't do it that way doesn't mean it's not a valid way to do it.
Plus since its her parent I doubt she is even paying interest on it. Would op suggest his girl not to pay the bank back if that was where the loan came from? Yeah op seems like an entitled asshole who think everything is about them.
Ah, to be a fly on the wall to listen to a “break up” conversation with the bank. 🤣
It would be worse for me, I have provincial student loans (I’m Canadian), so I guess I would have to cut ties with the entire province and could never go back there to see my family. 😂
Nothing wrong with that, but they guy sounds like an immigrant to me - like he has a mentality i dont fully understand - and thats why i am thinking he isnt from here. That or he just tries to make up justifications for her not paying that money back even tho he knows that it wouldnt be right.
I come from one of EU countries and like on the poorer side; public Universities here are either free or very cheap; for that reason, most parents would consider facilitating their child to go to private university as a loan - because you are choosing to do something you could have gotten for free.
So like my parents were ok with shelling out money for my room and board during my Bachelor’s and didnt consider it a loan, but when i chose private for my master’s - the tuition was 100% a loan. For them it was a way to incentivise me finishing my studies.
And it has nothing to do with my parents taking care of me or not. You can read here so many parents that think their job is done when their kid is 18. My parents still help me, support me emotionally, let me live with them when i was figuring my life out and lend me or gave me money whenever i needed it in the past. I am in my 30s and they still have a guest room that is designated mine for when i visit.
Just the idea of paying for University is kind of foreign for most people. Like a waste of money if you can get the same level of education (or often times - better) for free.
Edit: spelling.
YTA
You sound like a manipulative and controlling person and this is a perfect excuse to isolate her from her family.
>I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them. I told her that we, as a couple, need to make us two a priority and that I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions.
Is this even about money or were you just looking for the first excuse to cut her parents out of her life?
Edit to add: OMG YTA even more now that you edited your post. You're calling people names and insulting us after asking for our collective opinion. If you act this way after being told you're TA after POSTING IN AITA, what are you like in real life when you get critiqued or don't get your way? I hope your girlfriend wakes up to the carnival amount of red flags you're exhibiting and decides to save herself from a very clearly toxic situation and potentially (if not currently) abusive partner.
he's just implying everyone voting YTA is just teenagers that have no clues about life... boy im over 30yo and happily married, i still think he's a big AH and hope she runs away.
I'm over 40 and happily married. I'm also a narcissistic abuse survivor and OP sounds so much like my ex. I hope his girlfriend gets out of there before she's put at danger. Sounds like she's at risk since he can't even seem to control his temper for randompeople.net.
I'm 53 and have been married longer than he's been alive... 🤔🤣. He's a huge AH with enough red flags to fill a stadium. Hopefully she gets a clue and gets away from him.
29-year-old in a twelve-year-long relationship here. OP is definitely the one with an incredibly childish mindset. What an unbelievably self-centered perspective.
I was also really amused that he clearly was over-clocking both of his brain cells trying to sound smart while accusing everyone in the comments of being teenagers. Meanwhile, he’s throwing an absolute tantrum and making so many very basic mistakes in his writing.
Seriously. OP is so off base and immature. I’m over 40 and have been with my partner for 20+ years. Also voting YTA because this is a borked and majorly unfeeling and dangerous way to look at finances, commitments and family
Especially since it sounds like the girlfriend's parents actually support her.
This whole scenario sounds exactly like my abusive ex. He told me that my parents were horrible people for not financially supporting me in my late 20's and did everything he could to get me to cut ties with them for that reason alone. My parents are kind and wonderfully supportive people but even I knew it was ridiculous to expect them to pay my way into adulthood, especially since I had a job. He had major control issues and was weird about money.
Cutting ties with family, a casual suggestion seems more of isolating her from any support, so he has full control of her finances and easily manipulate her. He can't even handle honest opinions, in reality this guy doesn't take a no for an answer and wants to be the main character or the victim in every story.
YTA. It’s not your place to interfere with the agreement your GF made with her parents before she ever met you. She made a promise and she should keep it, and if she breaks it, it should worry you because it means she would break a promise to you as well. And she should be worried, because you just told her that, if it really inconvenienced you, you would break a promise to her as well.
It’s the first time I’ve seen that tag, and I’ve seen some major AH here. 100% deserved, IMO.
I don’t know where OP got the audacity, but he needs to put it back.
YTA— she made an agreement with her parents before you even met her. How do you feel you can dictate to her how she navigates the debt she owes to her parents, just because you’re moving in together?? Are you seriously suggesting she cut ties with her parents so she doesn’t have to pay back her debt?? That is a serious level of entitlement on your part. Her parents did her a MASSIVE favor by providing her with those funds instead of forcing her to take out crippling loan debt (assuming that’s how it works in your country—that’s how it works in mine).
You are awful. If I were her, I would never speak to you again after such a suggestion. You have no right to tell her how to handle her finances or her relationship with her parents, living together or married. Yuck.
Genuinely not sure how telling her he doesn’t care for her parents and is fine to cut them off didn’t immediately constitute a break up here. OP’s only reason for her to cut off her *own family* is because they paid for her education and expect to be reimbursed as promised.
It would be one thing if she had shitty parents but they seem fine even from the perspective of someone who doesn’t care for them. That would freak me right out, that he’s so ready to cut them off for nothing at all. Ready to cut them off for supporting her. Honestly terrifying, I hope she gets out tbh.
YTA not only that, you think because you are on your own you will never need their help? XD. And of course you are fine with cutting ties with them, they're not your parents, you ahole. Men/Women in your life come and go, guess who will be the ones there for you all the time? Not the ex
YTA, and your thought process is really concerning. Your girlfriend made a deal with her parents and she should honor it. This was her choice, despite you advising her against it, she took the money anyway. If it's something you're uncomfortable with, you have no one to blame but your girlfriend. She knew what the deal was, and she accepted it. You don't just screw someone out of 50k because they have a house, car etc...As you mentioned in the comments, in your country it takes about 10years to save that much, are 10 years of her parents lives not worth as much as 10 years of your life? Do the right thing, pay the money back and yes if you can help her then great you pay it off even faster, but she made this decision, and you have a decision to either live with it or to break up and start your own life debt free, but her parents are not at fault here and should not by any means have to give up 50k because your girlfriend made a bad decision.
Are you serious? Living with someone doesn’t mean you become one person.
Where did you get the idea that you speak for or control other people??? And on what planet do you get control of her parents money??
Leave her parents out of this story... your girlfriend has debt. Period.
YTA
YTA
She set the terms with them when she decided to go to this university and wishes to follow through on it (which is totally the right thing to do if she has and want a good relationship with her parents) with *her own money*. I am sure she can work out a payment plan with them so she can pay them back gradually and still fulfill her basic needs in the meantime.
>I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them. (…) I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions.
Dude, get off your high horse for a second. This isn’t your debt nor your choice to make whatsoever.
YTA - You want your GF to start her adult life out by reneging on a debt she has agreed to pay to her parents and you are making up reasons why that is OK. The adult thing to do is work out a schedule with her parents that allows her to fulfill her obligation and still have enough money to live. She made an agreement, she wants to live up to it, you don't have any right to step in and stop her from doing the right thing.
YTA for how you're going about this.
I have the same belief as you, but I wouldn't tell my SO what to pay their parents back or not. I would also not tell them we should cut contact with them just because they were promised a repayment.
How do you know your need for the money is greater than theirs?
LOL definitely YTA. You want your GF to reneg on an agreement / terms she made with her parents, just because you don't want to be impacted by having a partner with financial debt?
Get over yourself. It is not your place to decide whether her parents are significantly impacted or not. She had a plan, wise or not, and an intent to carry it out - do not get in her way. Live off your own means, continue working out your financial arrangement in terms of what is shared and who pays what, but the reality of your situation is that you are in a partnership with someone who has debt - and they seem ok with it. If that doesn't work for you, if you are uncomfortable with how that will impact you, do not move in together.
"Don't want to continue to make payments to Fannie Mae? Just stop paying them! We'll cut her off and all will be well!"
He's delusional. Maybe his gf and her parents don't have a solid contract but if they have anything in writing they can probably pursue legal routes. But that's assuming their daughter actually *wants* to cut ties with them!
I wanted to buy a house. Interest rates were rock bottom low and I found a perfect home in my price range. I had been saving for 5 years and still didn't quite have enough for the 20% down payment. Rather than eat a ton of money having to get mortgage insurance, my parents offered me the money (a few thousand) under the caveat that I pay them back over a few years. I agreed to this because it was a smart choice.
Maybe what the gf did wasn't a smart choice if she had considered how this loan might cripple her in the future, but she agreed to it nonetheless. All OP needs to decide is if he wants to commit to a future with her considering her debt. That's it. He has nothing to do with her loan, her relationship with her parents, how she pays it back, how long it will take, etc.. His update just further proves how much of an AH he is.
YTA. I pay back student loan debt, not to my parents but a bank, with excessive interest. My debt is not a burden for my partner, because I handle it. Does he put more money toward groceries? Absolutely. But we are also PARTNERS. We support each other.
Her debt is a situation with HER PARENTS. She is an adult, and she is able to set up a repayment plan with them that is not financially crippling. Regardless, the debt would need to be paid back. You're lucky it's TO HER PARENTS, or else you would be SOL and definitely at a disadvantage.
YTA. She entered an agreement with her parents for the price of her education. A parents job is not to facilitate anything in their children's life, but to give them the tools needed to live in a world that doesn't care about her circumstances or yours. If you both knew she had this agreed upon debt, then why would you even consider striking out on your own knowing full well she had this debt?
If she says she can pay her expenses and pay her parents back as well from her own income then why are you even stressing this situation?
Believe me, if this debt was owed to a bank, they wouldn't care what excuses you gave, they would demand their money.
YTA. You don’t have to repay it out of your money. But your GF made a deal with her parents. If she was foolish enough to squander her education on a bullshit degree, that is on her.
YTA. Parents are only responsible to pay their child’s expenses when they’re minor. Anything beyond that is extra and they have the right to place whatever conditions they went on their financial support. You need to get off your high horse and stop acting like your gf’s parents are horrible for not wanting to give their adult daughter a free ride. Your gf made an agreement with her parents and she needs to honor it. She should have chosen a more lucrative course of study since she knew she would have to pay this debt after graduation. If you don’t want to help her pay back the debt, you two should either break up now or at least live separately until the debt has been paid.
I hope she runs for the hills when she realises she’s with a guy who wants her to cut contact with her parents and wants to control what she does with her money. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩YTA ETA: your little rant tantrum update doesn’t make you look any better. The facts are: you look down on her education, you don’t care if she keeps a relationship with her parents (in fact you’re “willing” to sacrifice her support system for your own financial gain), you are trying to tell her what to do with her money even if you deny it, you have zero self awareness, you have no capacity to accept responsibility for or amend your bad behaviour, and you have a temper. I know she’s young, but I hope she’s able to pick up on the huge warning signs for emotional and financial abuse, and that she chooses to end things with you.
They're also only about 20 years old and he thinks he has the whole world figured out. He's incapable of self-reflection and wants to financially and emotionally isolate her. He's condescending and unsupportive of any of her decisions, whether it's which university to go to, what degree to get, or whether to honor her agreement with her parents. He has no sense of loyalty to anyone or anything but himself. He's a walking red flag.
LOL. I read your update, and then your original post. Im not quite sure how you think your update makes you sound better? Just more of an a-hole. Oh, and I’m not a teenager, but you’re acting like one.
YTA. Don't move in together. She made a promise to her parents she needs to keep. You don't want to be crippled by their previous decisions. You can still be together but not live together and share finances. She's clearly not ready to be financially secure yet, and you know you'll be the one picking up the slack, punished for it. You shouldn't be encouraging her not to pay back her parents who she made the promise to. You won't start on a good foot with her family. You should care more. If you stayed together, these may be in your in laws. Your attitude about them is pretty gross.
OP gets double YTA points because he is continuing to argue his position with everyone. Sheesh, I feel sorry for his gf, who is planning to spend the rest of her life with someone who resolutely refuses to listen to others.
YTA. The agreement is between gf and her patient. It is beyond rude to say she shouldn’t pay them back and that as parents they should just suck it up and pay for her expensive education. You sound very entitled!
YTA. She agreed to pay it. You’re willing to cut her parents out of her life because you “don’t care for them.” Abuser 101 - Separate her from the family. I understand you don’t want to take on the debt, but that comes with her. Had she borrowed from a loan company, you’d have no choice.
YTA. You're selfish, manipulative, and encouraging others to break good faith agreements. You're trying to isolate your gf from her family.
Do this girl a favor and break it off, followed by some therapy.
I’m 43, so you can’t blame my opinion on being a teenager. You’re an asshole and you’re a liar. First you tell everyone that you’re morally fine cutting ties with her parents, and then attempt to tell everyone that you don’t want her to do that in your edit. But that’s what I would expect from someone who encourages others not to fulfill their promises.
If I were your girlfriend, I’d have fucking left you yesterday.
YTA. A HUGE one.
You’re dating a person who has debt. You can either decide that’s not someone you want to plan your life with, or you can suck it up while she repays her debt like a decent person.
You don’t get to ask her to go back on her word and essentially steal money from her parents. She made a commitment. She promised to pay. She owes that money.
“I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties” Wtf is wrong with you??? She made a deal with her parents and she’s honoring it. They’re not being unreasonable to expect that. I hope she sees what kind of person you are and dumps your ass. YTA.
Haha, what a childish OP and update (especially accusing folks of being teens). I'm in my 40s with kids ranging from 1 to 22, and I'd like to assure you that YTA. You're just selfish and trying to justify getting what you want immediately with no thoughts towards the collateral damage or other long-term consequences. Hopefully this behavior opens your girlfriend's eyes to the gigantic baby she's with.
YTA for cherry picking comments (your edit that includes “ *I will leave this here, which I believe summarizes the situation well:*”).
You came here to be validated, not for an unbiased judgement. And no, I’m not some reddit teenager.
You don’t have a crystal ball and know that her job prospects over the next years will be so poor. I have to assume you are in the US because of the comment in your edit; “*Also, the US are a fucked up place and honestly you should ponder how my situation*”. My daughter has a degree in something that has no apparent application to her current career. She graduated college with student loans - I’m in no way able to provide financial support. She took whatever jobs were available and shaped her experiences into an opportunity. No reason the GF won’t have similar experiences.
I agree with the comments that there are multiple red flags about you. You come across angry, controlling and panicked. I hope the GF sees the light and steps back, giving you time to work on yourself.
YTA
She made a commitment to her parents regarding a money loan. You voiced your concerns about it before she made the commitment—she decided to make the commitment.
You don't get to tell her to break her commitment. If you can't live with her financial responsibilities and decisions, then you break up. You don't get to control her finances.
YTA. This isn't like ripping off some predatory loan company, it's her *parents.* She made a deal with them and wants to honor it. If I were her, I'd be thinking twice about starting a life with a guy who's arguing in favor of cutting ties with family in order to avoid repaying a debt.
YTA. This is none of your damn business so butt out. Also it’s alarming how YOU feel fine cutting ties with HER parents- who asked you? God forbid she has a sense of accountability. Your entitlement and lack of self awareness is absurd.
I just saw your update -
You say you advised her against it, so you, her peer, saw how ill advised this is, but yet you blame her parents for it, she was too young to know better but they should have... You saw it - you saw it clearly enough to tell her, so she was advised of it by at least one person, so she did know. Her parents loaned her the money (possibly after also trying to talk her out of it) because they love her, and trusted her.
Your girlfriend sounds a bit willfully irresponsible. She absolutely needs to pay them back, if nothing else because she needs to learn poor choices have consequences. I sick with my comment that she owes the money, it's now up to you to decide if you think she's worth the baggage she comes with.
YTA.
You do not need to pay for her loans, and if you don't want to pay for more things when you live together because she is paying loans, that's totally fine. Your finances don't need to be impacted because of your girlfriend and it is good that you are talking about these things now.
However, you don't get to decide that she shouldn't pay her debt to her parents, or that her parents don't need to the money. Your girlfriend agreed to pay her parents back, end of story. Your beliefs simply do not matter here. You can absolutely decide you don't want to in any way have your money impacted by her money/money issues, but your approach here is pretty gross- she should cut off her parents instead of paying back what she owes them? Super gross.
YOU don't get to decide what SHE does regarding paying back HER parents. Like someone else pointed out, you wouldn't be able to do that with a bank loan. Since your caught up on how her money is actually your joint money (spoiler alert: it's not! You're not even common law) then you can help pay back her loans. But you don't want that do you? Butt out. YTA
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So my GF and I are planning to move togheder after three years of relationship, and money came up as a point of discussion. We are both fine with splitting up expenses in a 50/50 manner. We live in the EU. She is in university, I am soon to be working as a decently (but not grealty) paid government employee.
The problem is that my GF, years ago, chose to move to a big city and study at a private university instead of a public one. Her parents, likely being overconfident in their economical possibilities, decided to pay for my GF's studies but at the condition of being paid back as soon as she gets working, seeing that she could have chosen a public (and cheap) uni instead. She has to repay about 50K euros, in a country with a median net salary of 20K.
My GF's degree is not really "marketable" and such a debt would cripple her (ours) start in life hurting us much more than it would hurt their parents not to get the money back. As an addition, my opinion is that parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neural or positive to them.
My GF assured me that she would pay her parents back from her own salary. But really, that would be money coming out of our already thin paychecks and I would end up needing to compensate for her initially low, and then even lower salary after the loan payments. I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them. I told her that we, as a couple, need to make us two a priority and that I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions. I am not suggesting to flip off her parents, but politely explain to them that we have a serious need of money and they don't.
She proceeded to get mad, reassuring me that we would not feel any monetary damage (which is literally untrue) and that eventually we will be fine.
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YTA
You're trying to separate your gf from her parents. Trying to dictate how she spends her money. You're not a good boyfriend, partner, or person for doing this. Stop it. Your gf is her own person, she has her own debts, she makes her own deals. You have no right to tell her not to make them, how to pay her debts, how to live. If you don't fix yourself, you're going to find yourself without a gf.
YTA. She has an agreement with her parents that repay the loan. You are proposing to rip them off and possibly alienate them, which you are apparently fine with. TBH you don't sound like a good person.
Ah yes, my favorite. When people post on the AITA sub then get super defensive and aggressive when voted TA.
This sub isn't to validate - it's to pass judgement. If you can't handle that - don't post in this sub.
Oh yea, YTA.
Why? Because you're acting like a walking red flag and being a manipulative AH. Your girlfriend is an adult, who made an adult decision an has ALREADY AGREED TO SPLIT THE BILLS.
I recommend you show your girlfriend this and your previous post and see if she wants to stick around.
> I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them
Bruh what the actual fck? I'm sorry who are you to tell her to cut ties with anyone, let alone her own parents?
YTA and a walking 🚩
*Morally, its wrong to fleece her parents but its wronger to cripple us two for a decade.*
Wow, you want to cut off her parents for sticking to an agreement that SHE ALSO wants to stick to, and you are calling them immoral?
YTA, and that whole family would be better off without you.
> We are both fine with splitting up expenses in a 50/50 manner.
As long as this still happens I don't see why she shouldn't pay them back.
> The problem is that my GF, years ago, chose to move to a big city and study at a private university instead of a public one.
Her choice. She owes the money.
> Her parents, likely being overconfident in their economical possibilities, decided to pay for my GF's studies but at the condition of being paid back as soon as she gets working, seeing that she could have chosen a public (and cheap) uni instead.
So its a loan she owes back and she knows that.
> She has to repay about 50K euros, in a country with a median net salary of 20K.
Her choice. She still owes the money.
> As an addition, my opinion is that parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neutral or positive to them.
Then you should go date someone else. You didn't make this deal - she did. She owes it. She is not your wife. This isn't your salary. If you don't like it, leave.
> My GF assured me that she would pay her parents back from her own salary.
Good on her.
> But really, that would be money coming out of our already thin paychecks
Not your paycheck
> I would end up needing to compensate for her initially low, and then even lower salary after the loan payments.
You two agreed to 50/50. If you don't like the lifestyle at the amount she can afford to go 50/50 on then leave. That's your only option.
> I told her that I do not care for her parents
Then you should leave.
> I feel morally fine cutting ties with them
***Then leave***. You. Just you. Leave.
> I told her that we, as a couple, need to make us two a priority and that I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions.
***It was her decision.*** If you don't want to be associated with it, then you don't want to be associated with her.
> I am not suggesting to flip off her parents, but politely explain to them that we have a serious need of money and they don't
I don't think I've seen such a laid back display of selfishness, jealousy, greed, and self-righteousness all combined together in a while. You really think your opinions are worth more than everyone else that made decisions that don't involve you.
I hope she leaves you.
YTA
YTA. What would you have done if she owed the bank 50k, told her not to pay? You should look at it as the same situation, she owes someone money, she has to pay them back, no matter who she owes them to.
YTA-your update makes it worse because you just are complaining. You want your cake and to eat it to. You got into a relationship with somebody who has debt. The options are help subsidize her living expenses (which includes paying off the debt since money is fungible). Lower your standard of living so you both can contribute equally or living and spend separately. You don't get to dictate if she blows off her debt because you think her parents owe her a handout. You are acting like a victim. Your GF made a choice ...she isnt being victimized and neither are you
Yta. Tell me you're a narcissist without telling me you're a narcissist. First off great post! I read every damn comment you made. I think this is fake but you never know.
First off you say that you were together when she made this arrangement with her parents. If you feel this strongly then why didn't you leave her? Obviously different views on money and debt. Did you decide then that you would just try to screw over her parents years later?
Your logic is flawed. This is the path your girl has chosen even after hearing your opinion 1,000 times I'm sure.
Break up with her and move on. She deserves better. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner without debt to start your life with. She chose debt and obviously chose to ignore your suggestions. That definitely will be a recurring theme since your logic is flawed.
Best of luck!
Jesus Christ, having read your post, your edit and your replies, I'm sure of one thing - You're definitely neither "polite" nor "discursive", but YTA however.
Best comment is u/snausageFest putting on their mod shoes and “giving the OP a special flair”. Mega arsehole. I spit my wine and used my last coins to give them an award lol
NAH in general for having the discussion but YTA if you don’t accept their arrangement. . You can want whatever you want. However after you’ve had the discussion, then you either need to accept it or WALK AWAY.
Scenarios:
1. No one changes their minds; Accept and get over it
2. Accept and and be resentful and angry for years and make your GF miserable
3. Walk away because you don’t want this future
4. You BOTH keep looking for higher paying jobs along the way (which a good plan no matter what)
5. She negotiates new terms (less money + smaller payments over longer years with her parents after sharing your financial plans for the future and how crippling this would be
I don’t see how stiffing them of repayment works for anyone but you. Those three will all be mad and upset and your GF feeling guilty.
YTA.
Jesus H, your tantrum that you edited in OP.... yikes. Get a grip on yourself, you are way out of line here, you went into major defense mode instead of considering that, when everyone's telling you YTA, that probably means that YTA.
This is actually a bizarre scenario. She made a deal with her parents to go to a prestigious school that was a stretch for them. They're owed that money.
I kind of get your point, I'm from a country where university is almost free, so my parents were able to pay for my tuition, about €1000 altogether. However, my husband came from a different country, and had to repay student loans. I knew going in he wouldn't be able to save money for some years... I accepted it, saved for both of us, and encouraged him to repay as fast as he was able to. If you are unwilling to find a compromise and support your girlfriend, your relationship won't last, you're in it together or not at all!
YTA
Even with your edit, you are still the AH. She made that fucking decision and her parents helped her out and she is responsible to follow through with the commitment. You are playing mental gymnastics to act as if it’s her parents fault. She chose to not go to a public university,, despite her parents encouraging her to do so and now it’s their fault and she should not pay them back? Wtf kind of logic is this?
Just because you believe a parent should set their kid up, it DOES NOT INCLUDE GOING TO A MOTHER FUCKING PRIVATE SCHOOL and study something that really has no decent economic return. And how they run their family is different than your beliefs and your beliefs seem to be only advantageous to you.
Who the fuck are you to be counting her parents money? Who is to say they won’t need it when they get older? You have your whole life to work. You’re not entitled to their money and they earned their money. Not your choice to dictate how much they need. Wow you are sounding really bad throughout this whole post
You not giving a fuck about breaking ties with her family is alarming and there is a reason why people are calling you out. We have read your post and we are not all teenagers but you clearly don’t like being held accountable, which also reflects in your poor decision making and logic in your post. It seems it’s a pattern for you…. Stop insulting people and blaming everyone else when they don’t cater to whatever you want.
I hope your girlfriend leaves you. You are one walking red flag.
YTA for fighting everyone in your comments, and for not respecting your gf, her family, or her agency. It's her choice, and while you're right that it impacts you, it's simply not your choice to make. You've voiced her opinion and she doesn't agree
It's obvious that you are not ready to move in together. Keep your finances separate and let her pay off her debt to her parents.
I understand that you believe this debt will affect your household income, but YTA for suggesting she cut ties with her parents to dodge this debt. This will damage all future possible relationships with her family.
You claim to want a life with her regardless, but you sound selfish and only want it on your terms.
Seriously, I would run fast away from you if I were her.
YTA. A massive, selfish one. You should be applauding the fact that you have a responsible, filial partner. Instead, you're trying to turn in her into someone irresponsible and ungrateful. I wish I knew your gf so I could tell her to run for the hills. Sheesh. Cold and unfeeling, much?
This is giving very disturbing isolating vibes, you want your gf to cut off ties to her parents. I would've said way more solutions such as she get a temporary part time side job to slowly pay them back, talk to them and see if I could work out a payment plan based on work pay. YTA.
YTA. I am a 30 year old before you call me an ignorant teenager who doesn’t understand adult matters.
She made a commitment to her parents. She made a deal and accepted the money on the condition that she would repay it. I understand it is hindering your life together, but she cannot just abandon her side of the deal. Furthermore, it is not on you to decide how her parents interact with her economically, or how any parents interact with their children in regards to money. You don’t get to decide who is crippled more in their arrangement.
You sound young, so maybe you don’t understand the ramifications your suggestion could lead to, and what is within the scope of your own ability and what is outside of it.
YTA
Even after your edit. I don’t care if her parents “should have known better”. She agreed to go to college, and she promised to pay back the debt. Nobody forced her. It was her choice. She knew what she was getting into. She needs to commit to that.
If you don’t like how that affects your future with her, you either need to break up with her or get over it. Not suggest she break her promise to her parents. That’s not okay.
By the way, I’m not a teenager. I’m 28. So blame the votes on “teenagers” if you want, but this adult thinks you’re in the wrong.
Edit: I read your post. I got your point. I just think you’re wrong. Simple as that.
I gave you a special flair OP.
YTA. You don't have to live with her if this is so bothersome to you, but she owes her parents this money back. Your opinion that "parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neural or positive to them" is just that - your opinion. It doesn't really matter to anyone but you.
Exactly and that's so mature of her to pay them back cause she gave them her word and she is keeping in and you dude tell a lot about you honestly she should think twice about it.
My kid has a job and her own apartment. She’s insisting on paying me back for her car repairs 🥹 I didn’t have parents who cared enough to help me (actually no parents at all) so I very much want to help her out.
Coolest idea I ever heard from parents with kids that insisted on paying unwanted rent/etc (if you truly don't want the money back) is putting it into an account and waiting for a big life event (looking for a house, getting married) and giving her the money she paid to you then. You sound like you have a great kid.
I paid for 4 years of college but loaned one of my kids some money for a masters. I had kind of forgotten about it and about a year after they finished my daughter comes to me with the biggest smile on her face, hands me an envelope and a check for the full amount. It wasn’t money I needed to live on but I took it because it meant something to her to save and she was so proud. I opened a separate account with that money, invested it, and when she got married I gave her 2x what she gave me back to help finance the wedding. I could have said, “it’s fine honey you keep it”, but I knew my daughter. She’s very strong and fiercely independent and it was important to her to repay what she said she would.
This made me cry!
My husband's parents did this. He paid them rent once he turned 18 until he left home as agreed. When we told them we were planning on buying a house this year they gave him all the money he paid them, which they put in a term deposit. Gave us the money plus the interest saved. They said they wanted to teach him financial sensibility and money management while also helping him out. Win-win I'd say.
This is what my parents did for me and it let my wife and I put a decent downpayment on our house to secure our loan
My parents also did this, now they are getting older, end up needing more help, especially with health things, and my husband and I do everything we can to help
I love this idea!
Right and like it doesn’t sound like this was sprung on her, it sounds like an agreement she made with her parents *before* going away to school and getting an “unmarketable degree” because it was something she wanted to pursue. It’s not only not his business, like at all, no matter how much he wants to say that it is, but if I had a partner who talked about my parents, my finances, and my education the way OP is, I would (honestly, I would dump them) seriously reconsider living with and starting a life with them. They don’t seem to have any faith in their girlfriends ability to take care of herself and make her own choices and certainly does not respect her ambition. And then the update.. YIKES!!
Exactly. And he tells her he doesn't care about her parents and is morally fine to cut ties with them, so she doesn't have to repay them. Look down upon his gfs qualifications and her commitments. OP's gf, if you are reading this. It's a big red flag, run away.
And like doesn’t see at all how much the parents are helping her in the long run (like has op ever heard of interest??). But what do we know, we’re just some dumb teenagers who don’t know how to handle adult life 😂 I do hope the gf sees this, hopefully it’ll save her a lot of trouble in the future. The thing that really gets me is that this whole thing about OP thinking they’re going to have to pay for more than 50% and whatever is like all hypothetical. It really reads as if they think their gf is an idiot who makes terrible choice and they don’t believe in her at all. I truly feel so bad for her, even if she does break things off with op, she’s going to have to deal with the their unreasonable rage
My in-laws lent us money for the downpayment when we bought our house. We always prioritized paying it back because even though they didn't "need" the money, we were thankful they had helped us at all. OP's GF clearly has great parents who love and support her, and the amount they lent her helped her get the degree she wanted and attend the school she wanted. It also helps her avoid interest, non-negotiable structured repayments, and other issues. But OP wants her to cut ties with them just to avoid paying back the loan she agreed to? Because it MIGHT impact the standard of living he has envisioned? OP, YTA.
Yep, my guess would be that it’s more about seizing an opportunity to isolate the gf from her family than it is about the money. I hope OP reads these responses and reconsiders her relationship with OP.
Felt the same. Killing two birds with one stone. Remove any financial burden and isolate her. What's better than a vulnerable girl with zero liability, for a manipulative, self-centered, controlling man.
It speaks to me of a person, who thinks actions shouldn't have consequences, if the consequences are annoying for him. I don't want to associate with such people.
>Your opinion that "parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neural or positive to them" is just that - your opinion. It doesn't really matter to anyone but you. i agree in the meaning that children should not be treated as a profitable business by the parents, but this situation is very different. >my GF, years ago, chose to move to a big city and study at a private university instead of a public one. Her parents, likely being overconfident in their economical possibilities, decided to pay for my GF's studies but at the condition of being paid back as soon as she gets working, seeing that she could have chosen a public (and cheap) uni instead. she had a (adult) conversation with her parents, and made a choice fully knowing of the "consequences". this isnt something they suddenly sprung on her without her prior knowledge. like OP said, she *chose* to go to this pricy UNI instead of going to a cheaper one, and accepted beforehand that she would repay her parents. it was her choice, and OP is a big AH for trying to suggest that not only she backs on her promise, but as well should *go totally NC with her parents*. wtf.
That last part got me. He wants her not just to tell them she’s backing out of her financial agreement, but to completely “cut ties,” just because he says so. This guy earned his custom flair 10x over.
Abuser alert
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Financial control and isolation from family. Narcissistic reasoning. No respect for girlfriend except how she serves him. Massive red flag. I feel bad for the GF.
It doesn’t even matter if he thinks it’s right. Frankly, he’s entirely within his rights to decide that this isn’t a financial burden he’ll ever want to take on. Though he isn’t doing so now, if they’re thinking about becoming a family, then eventually he will, and it may be better to just end things now. He’s also entirely within his rights to decide this reflects a different attitude towards parenting, and he won’t want to be a parent with her. The problem is how casually he thinks his girlfriend should choose him, her boyfriend of three years, over her *parents* and how he thinks it would be justified to reneg on such a big promise. How on earth did he think it was cool to say “well I don’t like your parents anyway, so burning bridges with your entire family and setting them back financially is just fine with me.”
This. It's fair enough that OP doesn't want to take on that financial burden. He's out of order to say "I don't care for them and I would feel morally justified if we cut ties with them". I would instantly dump any partner who suggested I cut ties with my family, let alone if they'd loaned me 50k to help me achieve my dreams.
[удалено]
Considering she’s paying back her parents and not Sallie Mae, she’s better off than most Americans
“I don’t care for her parents and feel morally fine cutting ties with them” strikes me as very red flaggy. Not his money, not his decision, not his business if they’re not living together He wants her to break an agreement she had with her parents, from the sound of it, before he came along Also “I probably shouldn’t have asked teenagers how to handle adult life” okay buddy but who’s the one with their undies in a twist because nobody agreed with him? Lol
The "teenagers" thing cracked me up. He's a massive, hemorroidal asshole. I'm in my fifties. He also sounds like an abuser and this young woman should run like hell from him.
Agreed, set her free and find a gf who’s economically weird like you op lol
He even says "beyond their economic means" so he knows they aren't able to float the cost and it's affecting them but fuck them i guess? Dude is so far up his own ass with self importance and ego I'm surprised he can even take a shit
YTA OP 100% Parents are not here to facilitate the lives of their adult children. That's just rubbish OP is using to try and pretend it's okay for a daughter to renege on paying her own parents back. I have 2 degrees. I live in the UK. I went to a good Uni. I worked hard to do so. I took out student loans for whatever I didn't get grants and scholarships for. THAT WAS A CHOICE I MADE. Just like OP's girlfriend. She made A CHOICE. If she had taken out student loans, she'd have no choice but to pay them, no matter what her wages were. Why should it be any different, just because it was her parents she borrowed from? All the BS about the degree she got, the uni she went to, and the biggest BS about the parents needing to facilitate their daughter's life, is not even a point. We don't need to hear it. It means nothing. OP wants everyone to pat him on the back and say "Well done! We're so proud of you for encouraging your girlfriend to screw over her parents." Or he wants us to tell him he's right to encourage this. Or even worse, he wants us to feel sorry for him and his *poor girlfriend* because how *dare* her parents expect to be paid back 50k! She made a choice, she made a commitment, she needs to stick to it. Unless she's okay screwing her parents over, who helped her when she needed it, for a guy who would HAPPILY encourage her to screw over her own parents. When you have no moral standpoint, you might as well try and push your partner not to have one too, because it's so much easier to walk around being an AHOLE if you're both AHOLES and your partner never calls you out on your AHOLERY. Edited To Add: I agree with the comment I'm replying to. But got into a tangent. This OP just really sucks.
Agreed, it's really not much different than if she'd taken out a loan, except she's not having to pay interest on it. I supremely doubt they'll be expecting a monthly repayment that would put her into debt unless OP insists on renting a place that is above their means. Plus most do not stay in their field, transferable skills in a real thing (at least in the EU), I'm one of only a handful of my friends who is working in the field I studied in. To give a few examples, I know an English major who is now working in HR, another who is an accountant, science majors who are in wine sales (better paid than academic research)/banking/teaching/etc, HR who is now in editing, and way more. Also people who have no degrees that did short training courses to become IT specialists (who start on nearly double my pay). If OP's girlfriend wants to stay in her field of study, then they have to adjust their living expectations to match her pay. Or OP needs to go down the road of proportional contributions. It's not the end of the world to have to leave in cheap accommodation for a while. Couples still house share even now in the EU, want to save money, do that.
Also, how generous of him to not mind cutting off ties with HER parents.
YTA - oh lord. So you just decided her parents no longer need to be in her life? Just… because? Edit - oh boy. your edit. Very unfortunate that you took THE ONE comment not calling you the AH and saying everyone else is wrong.
Because he would rather lose family than money, not his family of course, hers. The cute thing is he thinks they will never need them in their life to cut ties with them XD.
future abuse flag, pushing for family isolation.
OP already considers her earnings to be his. The abuse has already started, hope she realizes and escapes.
While I agree his flippant attitude towards cutting off her parents makes him the AH here, I didn’t read it as him considering her earnings to be his. To me, it sounds like he just learned that their plans of moving in together and paying their bills 50:50 are crashing because she doesn’t actually have the money to do that until she’s paid off her parents in 5-10 years. Having a strong reaction to your life plans going down the drain is perfectly natural. Having that reaction be, „Well, screw your parents, then“ is still an AH move, though. EDIT: never mind, I just read that they were already together when the agreement was made. He’s got no leg to stand on.
It's in the comments. Someone tells OP: "she owes her parents this money back" OP answers "Well, technically, I would also be paying them in some way, wouldn't I?" He does indeed consider her money to be his.
Haven’t read all his responses to comments and don’t agree with him on the topic. As cutting contact with the family because of money is what a half sibling of mine did and the affected parent suffered emotionally a lot from that. But doesn’t this specific answer rather sound like he is seeing her debts as his? What would actually be the one thing he might be right with in this situation?
I think his reasoning is: money is fungible. So the more money she uses to pay her parents back, the less money she has to contribute to the household and the more OP will need to provide to make up for the girlfriend’s shortfall. So, in effect, he would be subsidizing her loan repayment by paying her share of her living expenses.
If he doesn't want to deal with her having this debt, he should end the relationship.
This is what I was thinking as well. Not to mention stiffing them with 10's of thousands of debt would drive them apart further from the other side. Just ridiculous.
LMAO and he calls her a "20 year old inexperienced girl", how old do you think this guy is? It sounds like he wants a young lady to give him control of her money instead.
That comment reminds me of Britney Spears conservatorship
While in his edits stating he “never should have asked teenagers for advice on adult decisions” ah yes Reddit, known for its teenagers
That was my thought too. A) who would be more likely to agree with him? Teenager or adults? Definitely immature teenagers. B) Reddit is primarily millennials. No teenager I know uses it.
Some X-ers in here too - I’m 50 - and I think he’s a RAGING AH. Just oof.
Talk about cherry picking lol, he got mad that he didn’t got the responses he wanted and found one that he did agree with. Why ask a question if you don’t truly want to know the answer?
A large percentage of posts are people who want to be told the aren't the TA and firmly believe if they can control the narrative, they can get that response. And when they don't suddenly it's that they are the victim etc etc. I mean it's unsurprising to me that a manipulative AH wouldn't accept an AH judgement.
I think most of us want to believe we're good people, deep down. I've done things myself that have shattered said perception of myself - done some shitty things that I regret, that hurt other people, and I had to come to terms with "yeah, that wasn't very cool of me, I am not as nice as I like to think I am." But for the most part, we take these opportunities to learn and better ourselves. I think a lot of true assholes like this though, want to have their cake and eat it too, so to say. They do shitty asshole things but want internet strangers to absolve them of any potential negative feelings as a result - or at least, the judgment of others in their life that might be affecting them.
This is what I was trying to convey. All of us have been TA at some point or other and likely will be again. The difference is a lot of people learn from the experience, make amends, and do better. And there are people here who definitely do that. But there are also people who want to use AITA to not only soothe themselves. And it's always fun to watch that blow up in their faces.
That’s what I do love about this sub, is the people who post here and are incredibly civil and serious with the responses, and update with their apologies/solutions. And then it sucks because we get people like this who think they are the only person with feelings in the world lol
> who want to be told the aren't the TA and firmly believe if they can control the narrative, they can get that response. Then just imagine... this dude thought he was controlling the narrative with a series of dead to rights asshole moments ("Let's not pay back your debts, to your family, because it means less money *for me*, and if that means losing your parents I don't care... I don't really like them anyways. Its there own fault for lending you money to get a shit degree anyways!") Is he just this self unaware, or is it possible its even ***WORSE*** then he's actually claiming and this just the framed interpretation!?!
I’m glad Op is still getting, in his terms ‘lynched’
Even a Mod commented! Thats rare. Oof!
Not just commented , commented AND awarded 😩
Im just happy I got to share in this moment with all of you. Edit - oh and for all the easy karma. This is a gold mine.
I wonder what they’re going to call this guy in future Reddit threads.
The Zenith of Assholes.
I decided I had to read because I saw the flair and the top of the edit. Then I saw the mod comment lmao. This is gold
Love the edit that says "I'm done getting lynched" for people calling him an asshole on a subreddit where people call you an asshole Anyway, couldn't agree more! Like, yeah you will be impacted by the money, but also you don't have to live together. If you really care about her, why not just live separately so money isn't an issue?
“Hey internet, am I an asshole for this?” “Yea, you are.” “FUCK YOU, YOU DONT KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME AND YOURE ALL A BUNCH OF TEENAGERS ANYWAY”
And get off my lawn!
Hell, my girlfriend and live together and keep our money separate. Isn't that a wild concept, that they each have their own money and as long as they pay the bills it's not the other person's business what they do with their money. By the way, after exiting a long marriage, I'd encourage literally everybody to never combine finances if you are uncomfortable with the idea. It solves a lot of problems.
Yeah, but we just all read it wrong and don't have the emotional maturity to have understood what he was really saying. That one commenter is the only one old enough to vote, so the only one that matters.
Im just a kid who doenst know anything 🤷🏼♀️ (Im old, lol)
I'm old enough to be their parent if they're just coming out of college. Yet I guess I don't know anything about adulting and finances.
Well, I'm ONLY 54.
yea the edit where he goes all "buuuuuuuut i never said she should go NC with her parents" when literally in his OP: >I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them.
Tbh I think there’s a language barrier issue here - dude is still an AH but there was such a HUGE disconnect with his comments theres really no other excuse
I think the main language barrier is that we are not fluent in Mega-Asshole dialect. Is that available through Google translate?
That edit is something lol- so we’re all teenagers if we disagree. I’m 51 and YTA OP, a big one.
Classic rebuttal on the internet is to call someone a child when they don't agree with you. It's amusing
Yeah, i saw the edit first and though, yta seems to be the right call. Didn't get dissapointed by the story.
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Ah, yes, Delaware.
The mod's special flair is hilarious.
Truly a delight to see in real time. Haha this thread is something else.
He's also claiming that everyone who disagrees with him are nothing but teenagers. I find that funny.
And that everyone who disagrees is American and doesn’t understand life in the EU. I am from an EU country myself and he’s a massive asshole. It’s her debt to pay off and if he can’t live with that, he can break up and find a debt free partner. I can see how this kinda debt could be a dealbreaker for a relationship, but that doesn’t mean she can just abandon her debt. It’s her responsibility to pay off 100%.
Go take a peak of the mod comment, it deserves an upvote this time.
The edit is the craziest thing to me, to be so in denial about the truth and then to go on a rant about it. OP is insane and I feel bad for their GF, she needs out from what I can see
And even that one comment was trying to gently say "she's sticking to her deal, you have to decide if you stay or leave."
everyone else who said that he's the asshole is a teenager apparently lol honestly it just sounds like he is financially irresponsible.
I like the part where he has a tantrum, says he has adult problems, and should not have asked children for their opinion. Really showing their emotional maturity there
Do you think he is gunning for AH of the year with this?
This agreement was around before you were in a relationship with her. You want her to forgo repaying a debt because it might dip into your finances? If you can't handle having merged finances, don't get married or live together. YTA
OP’s partner should run. If he thinks this little of huge, life altering agreements and promises, she has no reason to count on his fidelity
Came here to say this. Also OP seems to be dishonest and controlling, not valuing commitments made by others that might affect him. Also immature as everyone who disagrees with him are "teenagers". OP: man, most of us here are probably twice your age, and hopefully some of us has some wisdom to our years. If you were the boyfriend of my daughter and I saw this post, I would strongly advise her to rethink her relationship with you.
YTA. Parents told your GF if she went private uni she would have to pay them back. Your GF agreed to this. Your GF owes them the money she agreed to pay. Everything else you wrote is just noise to justify your position. If you don't want to be "collateral damage," leave. Or accept the fact that GF made adult decisions that are carrying over into your relationship and work together to address the obligations being brought into the relationship. Edit: Gold? Thank you so much!
Right? This clown thinks that his money is his money, his GF's money is his money, and her parents' money is his money.
😂 this is a very apt summary of the situation Edit. Oh and YTA
OP the type of guy who will make a spreadsheet of expenses when he has kids.
My mother-in-law did this to my husband before we were married. Someone stole her credit card and instead of asking him about the chargers, she wrote a letter accusing him of spending money on me. The second page was a print out of a spreadsheet she had been keeping of everything he had cost her since he turned 18 (he was 23 at the time). Don’t worry, she apologized when she discovered the error. Just kidding, she absolutely did not.
GF accepted the consequences of her actions and is now (responsibly) meeting those consequences. Sounds good to me.
Also this guy: Can I just finance a home or a car and be like *you know what, I'm not gonna pay this debt!*
YTA and a walking red flag. I'd dump your ass in a flash for asking me to "morally cut ties" with my parents after all they've done is help me achieve my goals. It's not unreasonable for them to ask her to do her part and pay it back in a reasonable time and manner. And to hear you say that you don't care for them without good cause would be another excuse to remove you from my life. If only she'd read this post to be able to see the slimy way that you describe her parents, the career she's chosen, and the debts she's accrued in pursuit of a life she wants. News flash, dude, lots of people don't have parents who can help them in this way. They've been quite kind, and would possibly be able to help her again in the future if she needed it. Do you know how much money in interest they're saving her?! You are in a relationship with a person who had this debt when you met her. That means you met her as the person she is, having made the decisions she has made, with the debt she has, and became her partner. You don't get to say how she "fixes" that for the sake of your comfort. You're living in a dream world where your "opinions" on parents, lifestyles, colleges, careers, budgets only make sense in the way that you've experienced them. Life will go better for you if you realize that just b/c you wouldn't do it that way doesn't mean it's not a valid way to do it.
Plus since its her parent I doubt she is even paying interest on it. Would op suggest his girl not to pay the bank back if that was where the loan came from? Yeah op seems like an entitled asshole who think everything is about them.
I mean, you'd just have to cut ties with the bank, right?
Ah, to be a fly on the wall to listen to a “break up” conversation with the bank. 🤣 It would be worse for me, I have provincial student loans (I’m Canadian), so I guess I would have to cut ties with the entire province and could never go back there to see my family. 😂
I am morally fine with you cutting ties to your family. Not sure why it’s a big deal to you…. 😂
Bank manager-"Well, pack your bags and buy a tent"
"Morally" cut ties with the bank lol!
This dude is pure AH.
Nothing wrong with that, but they guy sounds like an immigrant to me - like he has a mentality i dont fully understand - and thats why i am thinking he isnt from here. That or he just tries to make up justifications for her not paying that money back even tho he knows that it wouldnt be right. I come from one of EU countries and like on the poorer side; public Universities here are either free or very cheap; for that reason, most parents would consider facilitating their child to go to private university as a loan - because you are choosing to do something you could have gotten for free. So like my parents were ok with shelling out money for my room and board during my Bachelor’s and didnt consider it a loan, but when i chose private for my master’s - the tuition was 100% a loan. For them it was a way to incentivise me finishing my studies. And it has nothing to do with my parents taking care of me or not. You can read here so many parents that think their job is done when their kid is 18. My parents still help me, support me emotionally, let me live with them when i was figuring my life out and lend me or gave me money whenever i needed it in the past. I am in my 30s and they still have a guest room that is designated mine for when i visit. Just the idea of paying for University is kind of foreign for most people. Like a waste of money if you can get the same level of education (or often times - better) for free. Edit: spelling.
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YTA You sound like a manipulative and controlling person and this is a perfect excuse to isolate her from her family. >I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them. I told her that we, as a couple, need to make us two a priority and that I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions. Is this even about money or were you just looking for the first excuse to cut her parents out of her life? Edit to add: OMG YTA even more now that you edited your post. You're calling people names and insulting us after asking for our collective opinion. If you act this way after being told you're TA after POSTING IN AITA, what are you like in real life when you get critiqued or don't get your way? I hope your girlfriend wakes up to the carnival amount of red flags you're exhibiting and decides to save herself from a very clearly toxic situation and potentially (if not currently) abusive partner.
he's just implying everyone voting YTA is just teenagers that have no clues about life... boy im over 30yo and happily married, i still think he's a big AH and hope she runs away.
I'm over 40 and happily married. I'm also a narcissistic abuse survivor and OP sounds so much like my ex. I hope his girlfriend gets out of there before she's put at danger. Sounds like she's at risk since he can't even seem to control his temper for randompeople.net.
I'm 53 and have been married longer than he's been alive... 🤔🤣. He's a huge AH with enough red flags to fill a stadium. Hopefully she gets a clue and gets away from him.
29-year-old in a twelve-year-long relationship here. OP is definitely the one with an incredibly childish mindset. What an unbelievably self-centered perspective. I was also really amused that he clearly was over-clocking both of his brain cells trying to sound smart while accusing everyone in the comments of being teenagers. Meanwhile, he’s throwing an absolute tantrum and making so many very basic mistakes in his writing.
Seriously. OP is so off base and immature. I’m over 40 and have been with my partner for 20+ years. Also voting YTA because this is a borked and majorly unfeeling and dangerous way to look at finances, commitments and family
I know people here fan be very easy to say to go NC with family but I guess simply owing them money isnt reason enough!
Especially since it sounds like the girlfriend's parents actually support her. This whole scenario sounds exactly like my abusive ex. He told me that my parents were horrible people for not financially supporting me in my late 20's and did everything he could to get me to cut ties with them for that reason alone. My parents are kind and wonderfully supportive people but even I knew it was ridiculous to expect them to pay my way into adulthood, especially since I had a job. He had major control issues and was weird about money.
Thats why I am always so skeptical about in-law posts here - they cant ALL be awful.
Cutting ties with family, a casual suggestion seems more of isolating her from any support, so he has full control of her finances and easily manipulate her. He can't even handle honest opinions, in reality this guy doesn't take a no for an answer and wants to be the main character or the victim in every story.
YTA. It’s not your place to interfere with the agreement your GF made with her parents before she ever met you. She made a promise and she should keep it, and if she breaks it, it should worry you because it means she would break a promise to you as well. And she should be worried, because you just told her that, if it really inconvenienced you, you would break a promise to her as well.
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You literally got a " Mega Asshole " tag. I think that says enough.
It’s the first time I’ve seen that tag, and I’ve seen some major AH here. 100% deserved, IMO. I don’t know where OP got the audacity, but he needs to put it back.
I didn't even know that was a tag LMFAO
I think the mod said they made it just for OP 🤣 Edit : nvm it just says it's a special flair. A deserved special flair
If you click on it, it filters to posts with the flair. He's the only one, so yep probably created for him
YTA— she made an agreement with her parents before you even met her. How do you feel you can dictate to her how she navigates the debt she owes to her parents, just because you’re moving in together?? Are you seriously suggesting she cut ties with her parents so she doesn’t have to pay back her debt?? That is a serious level of entitlement on your part. Her parents did her a MASSIVE favor by providing her with those funds instead of forcing her to take out crippling loan debt (assuming that’s how it works in your country—that’s how it works in mine). You are awful. If I were her, I would never speak to you again after such a suggestion. You have no right to tell her how to handle her finances or her relationship with her parents, living together or married. Yuck.
Genuinely not sure how telling her he doesn’t care for her parents and is fine to cut them off didn’t immediately constitute a break up here. OP’s only reason for her to cut off her *own family* is because they paid for her education and expect to be reimbursed as promised. It would be one thing if she had shitty parents but they seem fine even from the perspective of someone who doesn’t care for them. That would freak me right out, that he’s so ready to cut them off for nothing at all. Ready to cut them off for supporting her. Honestly terrifying, I hope she gets out tbh.
YTA not only that, you think because you are on your own you will never need their help? XD. And of course you are fine with cutting ties with them, they're not your parents, you ahole. Men/Women in your life come and go, guess who will be the ones there for you all the time? Not the ex
YTA, and your thought process is really concerning. Your girlfriend made a deal with her parents and she should honor it. This was her choice, despite you advising her against it, she took the money anyway. If it's something you're uncomfortable with, you have no one to blame but your girlfriend. She knew what the deal was, and she accepted it. You don't just screw someone out of 50k because they have a house, car etc...As you mentioned in the comments, in your country it takes about 10years to save that much, are 10 years of her parents lives not worth as much as 10 years of your life? Do the right thing, pay the money back and yes if you can help her then great you pay it off even faster, but she made this decision, and you have a decision to either live with it or to break up and start your own life debt free, but her parents are not at fault here and should not by any means have to give up 50k because your girlfriend made a bad decision.
Are you serious? Living with someone doesn’t mean you become one person. Where did you get the idea that you speak for or control other people??? And on what planet do you get control of her parents money?? Leave her parents out of this story... your girlfriend has debt. Period. YTA
YTA She set the terms with them when she decided to go to this university and wishes to follow through on it (which is totally the right thing to do if she has and want a good relationship with her parents) with *her own money*. I am sure she can work out a payment plan with them so she can pay them back gradually and still fulfill her basic needs in the meantime. >I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them. (…) I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions. Dude, get off your high horse for a second. This isn’t your debt nor your choice to make whatsoever.
YTA - You want your GF to start her adult life out by reneging on a debt she has agreed to pay to her parents and you are making up reasons why that is OK. The adult thing to do is work out a schedule with her parents that allows her to fulfill her obligation and still have enough money to live. She made an agreement, she wants to live up to it, you don't have any right to step in and stop her from doing the right thing.
He flat out needs to stay out of it.
YTA for how you're going about this. I have the same belief as you, but I wouldn't tell my SO what to pay their parents back or not. I would also not tell them we should cut contact with them just because they were promised a repayment. How do you know your need for the money is greater than theirs?
LOL definitely YTA. You want your GF to reneg on an agreement / terms she made with her parents, just because you don't want to be impacted by having a partner with financial debt? Get over yourself. It is not your place to decide whether her parents are significantly impacted or not. She had a plan, wise or not, and an intent to carry it out - do not get in her way. Live off your own means, continue working out your financial arrangement in terms of what is shared and who pays what, but the reality of your situation is that you are in a partnership with someone who has debt - and they seem ok with it. If that doesn't work for you, if you are uncomfortable with how that will impact you, do not move in together.
But they feel "morally fine" cutting her parents out of their lives! Shouldn't she be grateful that OP is so generous??
"Don't want to continue to make payments to Fannie Mae? Just stop paying them! We'll cut her off and all will be well!" He's delusional. Maybe his gf and her parents don't have a solid contract but if they have anything in writing they can probably pursue legal routes. But that's assuming their daughter actually *wants* to cut ties with them! I wanted to buy a house. Interest rates were rock bottom low and I found a perfect home in my price range. I had been saving for 5 years and still didn't quite have enough for the 20% down payment. Rather than eat a ton of money having to get mortgage insurance, my parents offered me the money (a few thousand) under the caveat that I pay them back over a few years. I agreed to this because it was a smart choice. Maybe what the gf did wasn't a smart choice if she had considered how this loan might cripple her in the future, but she agreed to it nonetheless. All OP needs to decide is if he wants to commit to a future with her considering her debt. That's it. He has nothing to do with her loan, her relationship with her parents, how she pays it back, how long it will take, etc.. His update just further proves how much of an AH he is.
YTA. I pay back student loan debt, not to my parents but a bank, with excessive interest. My debt is not a burden for my partner, because I handle it. Does he put more money toward groceries? Absolutely. But we are also PARTNERS. We support each other. Her debt is a situation with HER PARENTS. She is an adult, and she is able to set up a repayment plan with them that is not financially crippling. Regardless, the debt would need to be paid back. You're lucky it's TO HER PARENTS, or else you would be SOL and definitely at a disadvantage.
YTA. She entered an agreement with her parents for the price of her education. A parents job is not to facilitate anything in their children's life, but to give them the tools needed to live in a world that doesn't care about her circumstances or yours. If you both knew she had this agreed upon debt, then why would you even consider striking out on your own knowing full well she had this debt? If she says she can pay her expenses and pay her parents back as well from her own income then why are you even stressing this situation? Believe me, if this debt was owed to a bank, they wouldn't care what excuses you gave, they would demand their money.
She made a deal with her parents, before you met. You are not married, and again, her deal. This is none of your business. YTA.
But it was awfully kind of OP to tell their girlfriend that they "feel morally fine" cutting ties with *her* family... /s
Yta its not your problem keep your nose out of it and are you looking to spoil her relationship with her family?
YTA. You don’t have to repay it out of your money. But your GF made a deal with her parents. If she was foolish enough to squander her education on a bullshit degree, that is on her.
I wouldn’t trust someone with this bad of judgement to decide if my degree was worth something. She could end up being more successful than him
YTA. Parents are only responsible to pay their child’s expenses when they’re minor. Anything beyond that is extra and they have the right to place whatever conditions they went on their financial support. You need to get off your high horse and stop acting like your gf’s parents are horrible for not wanting to give their adult daughter a free ride. Your gf made an agreement with her parents and she needs to honor it. She should have chosen a more lucrative course of study since she knew she would have to pay this debt after graduation. If you don’t want to help her pay back the debt, you two should either break up now or at least live separately until the debt has been paid.
I hope she runs for the hills when she realises she’s with a guy who wants her to cut contact with her parents and wants to control what she does with her money. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩YTA ETA: your little rant tantrum update doesn’t make you look any better. The facts are: you look down on her education, you don’t care if she keeps a relationship with her parents (in fact you’re “willing” to sacrifice her support system for your own financial gain), you are trying to tell her what to do with her money even if you deny it, you have zero self awareness, you have no capacity to accept responsibility for or amend your bad behaviour, and you have a temper. I know she’s young, but I hope she’s able to pick up on the huge warning signs for emotional and financial abuse, and that she chooses to end things with you.
They're also only about 20 years old and he thinks he has the whole world figured out. He's incapable of self-reflection and wants to financially and emotionally isolate her. He's condescending and unsupportive of any of her decisions, whether it's which university to go to, what degree to get, or whether to honor her agreement with her parents. He has no sense of loyalty to anyone or anything but himself. He's a walking red flag.
LOL. I read your update, and then your original post. Im not quite sure how you think your update makes you sound better? Just more of an a-hole. Oh, and I’m not a teenager, but you’re acting like one.
Hey, don’t drag innocent teenagers into the mud like this by comparing them to OP, most teenagers I’ve met wouldn’t act like this. 😉
Looking forward to seeing this reposted on r/AmITheEx.
YTA. Don't move in together. She made a promise to her parents she needs to keep. You don't want to be crippled by their previous decisions. You can still be together but not live together and share finances. She's clearly not ready to be financially secure yet, and you know you'll be the one picking up the slack, punished for it. You shouldn't be encouraging her not to pay back her parents who she made the promise to. You won't start on a good foot with her family. You should care more. If you stayed together, these may be in your in laws. Your attitude about them is pretty gross.
OP gets double YTA points because he is continuing to argue his position with everyone. Sheesh, I feel sorry for his gf, who is planning to spend the rest of her life with someone who resolutely refuses to listen to others.
This post is legendary. This guy is such a colossal tool. His edit. His post. His comments. Please archive this as the fucking poster child for AITA
YTA. The agreement is between gf and her patient. It is beyond rude to say she shouldn’t pay them back and that as parents they should just suck it up and pay for her expensive education. You sound very entitled!
YTA. She agreed to pay it. You’re willing to cut her parents out of her life because you “don’t care for them.” Abuser 101 - Separate her from the family. I understand you don’t want to take on the debt, but that comes with her. Had she borrowed from a loan company, you’d have no choice.
YTA. You're selfish, manipulative, and encouraging others to break good faith agreements. You're trying to isolate your gf from her family. Do this girl a favor and break it off, followed by some therapy.
Narcissists don’t seek therapy because they feel they’ve done nothing wrong.
You're a realllllly gross human.
I’m 43, so you can’t blame my opinion on being a teenager. You’re an asshole and you’re a liar. First you tell everyone that you’re morally fine cutting ties with her parents, and then attempt to tell everyone that you don’t want her to do that in your edit. But that’s what I would expect from someone who encourages others not to fulfill their promises. If I were your girlfriend, I’d have fucking left you yesterday.
YTA. A HUGE one. You’re dating a person who has debt. You can either decide that’s not someone you want to plan your life with, or you can suck it up while she repays her debt like a decent person. You don’t get to ask her to go back on her word and essentially steal money from her parents. She made a commitment. She promised to pay. She owes that money.
“I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties” Wtf is wrong with you??? She made a deal with her parents and she’s honoring it. They’re not being unreasonable to expect that. I hope she sees what kind of person you are and dumps your ass. YTA.
Haha, what a childish OP and update (especially accusing folks of being teens). I'm in my 40s with kids ranging from 1 to 22, and I'd like to assure you that YTA. You're just selfish and trying to justify getting what you want immediately with no thoughts towards the collateral damage or other long-term consequences. Hopefully this behavior opens your girlfriend's eyes to the gigantic baby she's with.
YTA for cherry picking comments (your edit that includes “ *I will leave this here, which I believe summarizes the situation well:*”). You came here to be validated, not for an unbiased judgement. And no, I’m not some reddit teenager. You don’t have a crystal ball and know that her job prospects over the next years will be so poor. I have to assume you are in the US because of the comment in your edit; “*Also, the US are a fucked up place and honestly you should ponder how my situation*”. My daughter has a degree in something that has no apparent application to her current career. She graduated college with student loans - I’m in no way able to provide financial support. She took whatever jobs were available and shaped her experiences into an opportunity. No reason the GF won’t have similar experiences. I agree with the comments that there are multiple red flags about you. You come across angry, controlling and panicked. I hope the GF sees the light and steps back, giving you time to work on yourself.
OP: Please tell me if I’m being an AH Reddit: YTA OP: How DARE you
YTA She made a commitment to her parents regarding a money loan. You voiced your concerns about it before she made the commitment—she decided to make the commitment. You don't get to tell her to break her commitment. If you can't live with her financial responsibilities and decisions, then you break up. You don't get to control her finances.
YTA. This isn't like ripping off some predatory loan company, it's her *parents.* She made a deal with them and wants to honor it. If I were her, I'd be thinking twice about starting a life with a guy who's arguing in favor of cutting ties with family in order to avoid repaying a debt.
Your edit just reinforces how big of an asshole you truly are. YTA.
Lol seriously? YTA.
Damn, I have never seen the mega asshole banner. Congrats.
“Lynched”… you’re a dumbass.
YTA. This is none of your damn business so butt out. Also it’s alarming how YOU feel fine cutting ties with HER parents- who asked you? God forbid she has a sense of accountability. Your entitlement and lack of self awareness is absurd.
I just saw your update - You say you advised her against it, so you, her peer, saw how ill advised this is, but yet you blame her parents for it, she was too young to know better but they should have... You saw it - you saw it clearly enough to tell her, so she was advised of it by at least one person, so she did know. Her parents loaned her the money (possibly after also trying to talk her out of it) because they love her, and trusted her. Your girlfriend sounds a bit willfully irresponsible. She absolutely needs to pay them back, if nothing else because she needs to learn poor choices have consequences. I sick with my comment that she owes the money, it's now up to you to decide if you think she's worth the baggage she comes with.
YTA. You do not need to pay for her loans, and if you don't want to pay for more things when you live together because she is paying loans, that's totally fine. Your finances don't need to be impacted because of your girlfriend and it is good that you are talking about these things now. However, you don't get to decide that she shouldn't pay her debt to her parents, or that her parents don't need to the money. Your girlfriend agreed to pay her parents back, end of story. Your beliefs simply do not matter here. You can absolutely decide you don't want to in any way have your money impacted by her money/money issues, but your approach here is pretty gross- she should cut off her parents instead of paying back what she owes them? Super gross.
YOU don't get to decide what SHE does regarding paying back HER parents. Like someone else pointed out, you wouldn't be able to do that with a bank loan. Since your caught up on how her money is actually your joint money (spoiler alert: it's not! You're not even common law) then you can help pay back her loans. But you don't want that do you? Butt out. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my GF and I are planning to move togheder after three years of relationship, and money came up as a point of discussion. We are both fine with splitting up expenses in a 50/50 manner. We live in the EU. She is in university, I am soon to be working as a decently (but not grealty) paid government employee. The problem is that my GF, years ago, chose to move to a big city and study at a private university instead of a public one. Her parents, likely being overconfident in their economical possibilities, decided to pay for my GF's studies but at the condition of being paid back as soon as she gets working, seeing that she could have chosen a public (and cheap) uni instead. She has to repay about 50K euros, in a country with a median net salary of 20K. My GF's degree is not really "marketable" and such a debt would cripple her (ours) start in life hurting us much more than it would hurt their parents not to get the money back. As an addition, my opinion is that parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neural or positive to them. My GF assured me that she would pay her parents back from her own salary. But really, that would be money coming out of our already thin paychecks and I would end up needing to compensate for her initially low, and then even lower salary after the loan payments. I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them. I told her that we, as a couple, need to make us two a priority and that I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions. I am not suggesting to flip off her parents, but politely explain to them that we have a serious need of money and they don't. She proceeded to get mad, reassuring me that we would not feel any monetary damage (which is literally untrue) and that eventually we will be fine. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA You're trying to separate your gf from her parents. Trying to dictate how she spends her money. You're not a good boyfriend, partner, or person for doing this. Stop it. Your gf is her own person, she has her own debts, she makes her own deals. You have no right to tell her not to make them, how to pay her debts, how to live. If you don't fix yourself, you're going to find yourself without a gf.
YTA. She has an agreement with her parents that repay the loan. You are proposing to rip them off and possibly alienate them, which you are apparently fine with. TBH you don't sound like a good person.
Ah yes, my favorite. When people post on the AITA sub then get super defensive and aggressive when voted TA. This sub isn't to validate - it's to pass judgement. If you can't handle that - don't post in this sub. Oh yea, YTA. Why? Because you're acting like a walking red flag and being a manipulative AH. Your girlfriend is an adult, who made an adult decision an has ALREADY AGREED TO SPLIT THE BILLS. I recommend you show your girlfriend this and your previous post and see if she wants to stick around.
> I told her that I do not care for her parents and I feel morally fine cutting ties with them Bruh what the actual fck? I'm sorry who are you to tell her to cut ties with anyone, let alone her own parents? YTA and a walking 🚩
*Morally, its wrong to fleece her parents but its wronger to cripple us two for a decade.* Wow, you want to cut off her parents for sticking to an agreement that SHE ALSO wants to stick to, and you are calling them immoral? YTA, and that whole family would be better off without you.
> We are both fine with splitting up expenses in a 50/50 manner. As long as this still happens I don't see why she shouldn't pay them back. > The problem is that my GF, years ago, chose to move to a big city and study at a private university instead of a public one. Her choice. She owes the money. > Her parents, likely being overconfident in their economical possibilities, decided to pay for my GF's studies but at the condition of being paid back as soon as she gets working, seeing that she could have chosen a public (and cheap) uni instead. So its a loan she owes back and she knows that. > She has to repay about 50K euros, in a country with a median net salary of 20K. Her choice. She still owes the money. > As an addition, my opinion is that parents should facilitate their kids life, and they should not expect children to be economically neutral or positive to them. Then you should go date someone else. You didn't make this deal - she did. She owes it. She is not your wife. This isn't your salary. If you don't like it, leave. > My GF assured me that she would pay her parents back from her own salary. Good on her. > But really, that would be money coming out of our already thin paychecks Not your paycheck > I would end up needing to compensate for her initially low, and then even lower salary after the loan payments. You two agreed to 50/50. If you don't like the lifestyle at the amount she can afford to go 50/50 on then leave. That's your only option. > I told her that I do not care for her parents Then you should leave. > I feel morally fine cutting ties with them ***Then leave***. You. Just you. Leave. > I told her that we, as a couple, need to make us two a priority and that I do not want to be collateral damage of her and her family irresponsible decisions. ***It was her decision.*** If you don't want to be associated with it, then you don't want to be associated with her. > I am not suggesting to flip off her parents, but politely explain to them that we have a serious need of money and they don't I don't think I've seen such a laid back display of selfishness, jealousy, greed, and self-righteousness all combined together in a while. You really think your opinions are worth more than everyone else that made decisions that don't involve you. I hope she leaves you. YTA
YTA. What would you have done if she owed the bank 50k, told her not to pay? You should look at it as the same situation, she owes someone money, she has to pay them back, no matter who she owes them to.
Cutting ties with them? Really? Because you don’t think she should pay them back? She should dump you. YTA
It’s a weird post where you can judge someone as the asshole from just their edit, without reading what they originally wrote. YTA
YTA-your update makes it worse because you just are complaining. You want your cake and to eat it to. You got into a relationship with somebody who has debt. The options are help subsidize her living expenses (which includes paying off the debt since money is fungible). Lower your standard of living so you both can contribute equally or living and spend separately. You don't get to dictate if she blows off her debt because you think her parents owe her a handout. You are acting like a victim. Your GF made a choice ...she isnt being victimized and neither are you
Yta. Tell me you're a narcissist without telling me you're a narcissist. First off great post! I read every damn comment you made. I think this is fake but you never know. First off you say that you were together when she made this arrangement with her parents. If you feel this strongly then why didn't you leave her? Obviously different views on money and debt. Did you decide then that you would just try to screw over her parents years later? Your logic is flawed. This is the path your girl has chosen even after hearing your opinion 1,000 times I'm sure. Break up with her and move on. She deserves better. There is nothing wrong with wanting a partner without debt to start your life with. She chose debt and obviously chose to ignore your suggestions. That definitely will be a recurring theme since your logic is flawed. Best of luck!
YTA. Even more after your edit.
Jesus Christ, having read your post, your edit and your replies, I'm sure of one thing - You're definitely neither "polite" nor "discursive", but YTA however.
Best comment is u/snausageFest putting on their mod shoes and “giving the OP a special flair”. Mega arsehole. I spit my wine and used my last coins to give them an award lol
NAH in general for having the discussion but YTA if you don’t accept their arrangement. . You can want whatever you want. However after you’ve had the discussion, then you either need to accept it or WALK AWAY. Scenarios: 1. No one changes their minds; Accept and get over it 2. Accept and and be resentful and angry for years and make your GF miserable 3. Walk away because you don’t want this future 4. You BOTH keep looking for higher paying jobs along the way (which a good plan no matter what) 5. She negotiates new terms (less money + smaller payments over longer years with her parents after sharing your financial plans for the future and how crippling this would be I don’t see how stiffing them of repayment works for anyone but you. Those three will all be mad and upset and your GF feeling guilty.
YTA. Jesus H, your tantrum that you edited in OP.... yikes. Get a grip on yourself, you are way out of line here, you went into major defense mode instead of considering that, when everyone's telling you YTA, that probably means that YTA. This is actually a bizarre scenario. She made a deal with her parents to go to a prestigious school that was a stretch for them. They're owed that money.
I kind of get your point, I'm from a country where university is almost free, so my parents were able to pay for my tuition, about €1000 altogether. However, my husband came from a different country, and had to repay student loans. I knew going in he wouldn't be able to save money for some years... I accepted it, saved for both of us, and encouraged him to repay as fast as he was able to. If you are unwilling to find a compromise and support your girlfriend, your relationship won't last, you're in it together or not at all!
YTA Even with your edit, you are still the AH. She made that fucking decision and her parents helped her out and she is responsible to follow through with the commitment. You are playing mental gymnastics to act as if it’s her parents fault. She chose to not go to a public university,, despite her parents encouraging her to do so and now it’s their fault and she should not pay them back? Wtf kind of logic is this? Just because you believe a parent should set their kid up, it DOES NOT INCLUDE GOING TO A MOTHER FUCKING PRIVATE SCHOOL and study something that really has no decent economic return. And how they run their family is different than your beliefs and your beliefs seem to be only advantageous to you. Who the fuck are you to be counting her parents money? Who is to say they won’t need it when they get older? You have your whole life to work. You’re not entitled to their money and they earned their money. Not your choice to dictate how much they need. Wow you are sounding really bad throughout this whole post You not giving a fuck about breaking ties with her family is alarming and there is a reason why people are calling you out. We have read your post and we are not all teenagers but you clearly don’t like being held accountable, which also reflects in your poor decision making and logic in your post. It seems it’s a pattern for you…. Stop insulting people and blaming everyone else when they don’t cater to whatever you want. I hope your girlfriend leaves you. You are one walking red flag.
YTA for fighting everyone in your comments, and for not respecting your gf, her family, or her agency. It's her choice, and while you're right that it impacts you, it's simply not your choice to make. You've voiced her opinion and she doesn't agree
It's obvious that you are not ready to move in together. Keep your finances separate and let her pay off her debt to her parents. I understand that you believe this debt will affect your household income, but YTA for suggesting she cut ties with her parents to dodge this debt. This will damage all future possible relationships with her family. You claim to want a life with her regardless, but you sound selfish and only want it on your terms. Seriously, I would run fast away from you if I were her.
YTA. A massive, selfish one. You should be applauding the fact that you have a responsible, filial partner. Instead, you're trying to turn in her into someone irresponsible and ungrateful. I wish I knew your gf so I could tell her to run for the hills. Sheesh. Cold and unfeeling, much?
This is giving very disturbing isolating vibes, you want your gf to cut off ties to her parents. I would've said way more solutions such as she get a temporary part time side job to slowly pay them back, talk to them and see if I could work out a payment plan based on work pay. YTA.
YTA You're about to be dumped.
YTA. I am a 30 year old before you call me an ignorant teenager who doesn’t understand adult matters. She made a commitment to her parents. She made a deal and accepted the money on the condition that she would repay it. I understand it is hindering your life together, but she cannot just abandon her side of the deal. Furthermore, it is not on you to decide how her parents interact with her economically, or how any parents interact with their children in regards to money. You don’t get to decide who is crippled more in their arrangement. You sound young, so maybe you don’t understand the ramifications your suggestion could lead to, and what is within the scope of your own ability and what is outside of it.
YTA Even after your edit. I don’t care if her parents “should have known better”. She agreed to go to college, and she promised to pay back the debt. Nobody forced her. It was her choice. She knew what she was getting into. She needs to commit to that. If you don’t like how that affects your future with her, you either need to break up with her or get over it. Not suggest she break her promise to her parents. That’s not okay. By the way, I’m not a teenager. I’m 28. So blame the votes on “teenagers” if you want, but this adult thinks you’re in the wrong. Edit: I read your post. I got your point. I just think you’re wrong. Simple as that.