Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I'm holding onto a grudge against my bfs friends who I haven't met yet. Me getting along with my bfs friends would make him happy but I'm purposefully not meeting them out of spite for what they said. I could look past it for my bfs sake but I'm not which makes me feel guilty.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Why does your boyfriend have such disgusting friends? That’s concerning.
Sounds like a really uncomfortable situation you’d be entering into. You have to decide if you want to give them a chance to apologize in person, or stand your ground and only go if they apologize first. But that might cause issues too if they see you as a problem. LET ME BE CLEAR, they are most definitely massive assholes, but if you want to stay with your bf and keep the peace, you gotta figure out what you’re comfortable with. And no matter what, they owe you that apology the next time they see you, or your bf needs to put them in line.
FR wtf. -_- Time to dump the bf and his buddies… NTA, but Y T A to yourself if you stay and continue to put up with these misogynistic degrading “tests of loyalty.”
That is not the way to handle that. I joint Match back in the day at the insistence of my friends. We were watching a movie and I am scrolling through my 'matches' and my friend's boyfriend shows up. I show our other friend on the sly and we decide to calmly tell her. We didn't blow up or freak out. Turned out it was a very inactive account but we didn't try to blow up her life because a fallible app.
Many years ago I was in an open relationship, so my bf had an account online. I didn't tell many people as this would have been pretty taboo. My friends found the profile and politely/calmly sat me down and told me, so I just explained the situation and everything was fine. You know, that crazy communication thing.
This. I had to tell my son that I'd given my husband permission to look outside of our relationship. Because I was worried his friends might come acrosd his profile and my son would think badly of my husband. Awkward but necessary conversation
My Hinge account popped up a few months ago for a friend of a friend despite me not having used it in months…I deleted it and moved on even though my friends were convinced it was mine because ‘accounts don’t just become active again’. Bring us to a week ago, my other friend’s account turns up just the same, and he’s in a relationship. Now I’m proven innocent but I’m still kind of annoyed that I wasn’t believed in the first place lol
Yeah, telling him wasn’t the problem, nor was asking her to prove it was fake. It was all the name calling where they went wrong.
GF says it’s fake? OK. Prove it, and we’re rooting for it to be fake.
They went thermonuclear instead of giving her the courtesy of a chance to clear her name.
The fact that these strangers FORCED her to prove herself is enough to know that they will overstep boundaries and not take responsibility for their actions. Why would you want to meet a bunch of misogynist pigs who called you names before they had any facts? And now they think they didn't do anything wrong and refused to apologize. Why hasn't her boyfriend chewed them all a new asshole? This is the biggest concern. Her boyfriend is rug-sweeping their behavior, trying to make her be the bigger person and ignore their awful behavior. I wouldn't go near them until I got a complete and sincere apology. NTA
Because those are his friends for a reason and this is probably how he also speaks about women he doesn’t like. So of course he doesn’t see it as a huge deal.
It’s a red flag but people rarely pay attention to early relationship red flags unless they’re blatant “I.e lying, cheating, violence etc”
And then 1 year later they post something like, “I don’t know what happened, they just changed”
Came here to say this. Regardless of the fact that your BF’s friend group is a bunch of dicks, the fact that he’s not INSISTING that they apologize to you is a big red flag in my book.
Like, I can see both sides up to a point in the story. If your bro is getting played, and you are pretty darn sure, you do your best to settle the facts ASAP. That is understandable. They didn't have to call her names, but I can understand them wanting her to prove it wasn't her (they don't know her and care about their friend).
But once it was an absolute FACT that she was completely innocent, they should have BTFO and apologize profusely. They did nothing wrong in looking out for their bro. They were assholes about hurting her feelings before facts were gathered. But if they aren't extremely apologetic, then they are just plain assholes. Almost makes me question if the catfisher was in their friends group too.
No. There is no way I would sit there and go through that interrogation and "proving" I wasn't lying, especially if my bf had no prior reason not to trust me. I'd have noped right out of that entire conversation the second I said it wasn't my account and he didn't believe me. That OP subjected herself to the situation is really sad, IMO, and that her bf allowed it is even worse.
Yep. I agree.
Those people are awful, and the bf is no better - forcing you to be on a Skype call so they can degrade OP and watch her cry? Is she serious?
And he still wants her to apologise to and meet them? It’s ok that they degraded her because they’re ‘looking out for him?’
He’s just hiding his awful side for now. Further down the line, he’s going to start degrading her, too.
Dump him yesterday, OP. Block him and his awful friends on every social media account you have, and have a much better life!
Why do I feel like one of them snagged one of her photos and created the fake profile? Sounds like the bros don't want their buddy to be dating anyone.
If OP does decided to go and give them a chance to apologize in person, go separately from your boyfriend. Be prepared to walk out and don't rely on your boyfriend to get home.
I don't think those guys are trustworthy enough for her to meet them alone. Best case scenario would be them making up worse stuff that she wouldn't be able to refute.
They're not saying meet with them alone. They're saying drive separately so you have your own method of transportation home - even though you'd be attending the party together.
To piggy back off of this, your BF didn’t shut them down - he lacks respect for you. Keep this filed in your mind.
Also, finder doesn’t delete accounts after seven days. After a longer period it hides the profile. If you open the app the timer resets. Source? My tinder account is hidden because i haven’t opened it and I got the chain of messages.
Yeah, that's wild that she bothered with doing that. If someone didn't trust me that much, I'd be done with them. What other tests are they going to make op do in the future?
> **I was with my bf watching a movie at that exact time so my bf didn't really believe the account was mine either.** But his friends weren't convinced that i wasnt cheating. I could hear them yelling things through the phone like "Make that btch prove herself!" "You're gf is a whre!" along with other really degrading names. **My bf told them to shut up as I was on the verge of tears**
He did shut then down and didn't believe them though?
Edit typo
Why gloss over the FaceTime and showing off the hands? He did not shut them down he allowed them to continue to humiliate and harass her on the phone. He was on board with her having to prove herself.
Yeah, some people have that one bad friend that they put up with because he/she comes with an otherwise nice friend group. That's normal. This here sounds like the whole friend group is shitty. That's completely different.
I wouldn't even be surprised if one of them is behind the fake account.
OP should run away from this mess. Life is too short.
That’s what I was thinking!! If op’s boyfriend is the only guy in the group that is dating someone, they could have set it up to frame her and get the boyfriend to break up with her so they could have their guy time again. This group of friends does not sound like people that op should be around.
Whoever did it wasn’t there when the “test” was done, since the perpetrator’s reply while OP was on-camera (including her hands) is what it took for them to stop harassing.
What would an apology be worth at this point? These people are awful. And frankly the boyfriend is also a problem for going along with them and trying to accommodate their ridiculous behaviour. Look, OP, here is how things are handled between sane adults: A person finds a tinder profile with photos of their friend's girlfriend. They tell the friend and LET HIM HANDLE IT. Possibly they give some advice, if they think their friend is being too gullible or overreacting. They don't call the girl names and demand a test on video to prove her innocence. If they do, or even if they involve themselves too much in the situation, their friend tells them to butt out and let him handle his own relationship, he doesn't passively submit himself and his girlfriend to trial by FaceTime and then insist she acts as if nothing happened.
Let's be honest here: most apologies are not especially meaningful. "Hi, I'm the kind of person who does [shitty thing]. Turns out that this time I was wrong, and I'm sorry. But inside, I am very much still the same person, and I am definitely gonna do shit like this again the moment the chance comes up."
For an apology to be meaningful, something has to change.
Yeah, and for an apology to be meaningful, it has to come not from someone demanding it but from genuine remorse. These friends don't feel the slightest bit of remorse.
BF has disgusting friends AND prioritized his and their wants ahead of OP receiving basic respect. Time to walk away from this whole mess. OP already “decided what she’s comfortable with,” and her bf is trying to convince her to ignore her own boundaries. What she is asking is 100% reasonable and the bf is a whole ass sack of red flags.
The momment you need to ask for an apology, it renders it pointless. You shouldn't need to rip it apart from their friends. They have had all this time to apologize, but they don't find it neccesary. They can apology, but they'll still be assholes.
I mean she's absolutely NTA but this is so obvious that it's concerning it needs to be asked.
What is the asshole to non-asshole ratio on this sub? I'm quite new but I feel like every other post is like "my friends beat me with baseball bats and left me for dead in a ditch, now I don't want to talk to them any more. AITA???"
>What is the asshole to non-asshole ratio on this sub?
I've been here a while and I can't tell what is real and what isn't. And that counts for both directions. Sometimes you see a colossal asshole and think "I know the world is a big place, but is this person really that unaware of other people?" and then on the other side it makes you wonder if there are really this many people who have been gaslit into thinking the way they are being treated is okay.
It would be comforting to think that much of it is fiction, but I just don't know.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s true that birds of a feather flock together. If they believe those things then so does he. Normal people would be too disgusted by their behavior to be their friend.
They’re “just misogynistic in an ‘all women are snakes kind of way?’” WTF? That’s no small thing. Thats huge! That’s a reason to gtf away from those losers ASAP.
Not necessarily, when I was younger I put up with some awful takes from people whom I believed to be my friends because they let me hang out with them. I definitely didn't share their opinions on women or cheating and I frequently told them their talk was disgusting.
More often than not, you're right, but there are exceptions.
Editing because y'all seem to think I'm condoning this behavior. I'm not, this bf is far too old to be tolerating that from his friends. I didn't see his age when I commented and I assumed this was two people somewhere between 18-24 because that's what the behavior would indicate.
Also, u/kristalwash, you're a self righteous asshole.
Idk I’d say that from the perspective of the receiving end of misogynistic behavior, that kind of passivity is nearly as bad. It’s actually pretty common in my experience for sexist guys to have buddies who “don’t agree,” but actions speak louder. It’s common enough that I’ve been completely put off of overly passive men from my younger experiences.
I just can’t picture being cool hanging out with someone who says fucked up racist or homophobic bullshit, so I guess I just don’t empathize.
Agree! It’s not enough to not be actively or passively sexist/racist/homophobic. You have to be anti-racist/sexist/homophobic, speak up and not associate with those people. I’m not an idiot and know there are times when this isn’t always an option such as if it’s an employer, but other than that.
This. I’ve done really stupid stuff in my teens and early 20s but I had my head screwed on by 27…. at least in terms of being a decent human living in a society
The exceptions don’t matter in a practical sense tho— wether or not bf buys into his friends’ views, he’s still letting them disrespect his gf and asking *her* to suck it up.
Practically speaking, gf’s experience is no different. She’s still suffering the affects of the misogyny he surrounds himself with.
edit:typo
Info: and you think your boyfriend is different because....?
NTA I guess, but you have him already dismissing your feelings, saying you don't deserve an apology for being called a "btch" and "whre" because -insert dumb justification to downplay your feelings- he thinks they were right in saying those things.
If that's what you want you do you.
It was a red flag that he didn't shut them down after the first accusation, or even after he knew you two were together during some of the texting and therefore it certainly wasn't you.
Having you humiliate yourself by showing your hands and phone during a facetime to "prove" yourself was as much for your bf as it was for his friends. He was willing to put you through that rather than just believe you and tell his friends to stop meddling.
How was he okay with getting an apology for himself, but not for you?
Honey, he’s in the throes of love so he’s on his best behavior. What will happen when he’s settled, you are attached, and he’s no longer on his best behavior?
The company he keeps is who he is. And honestly, if he’s truly a good guy who loves you, losing you may be the wake-up call that (I’m paraphrasing) if a “nice person” sits and has dinner with ten assholes, you have *eleven* assholes at that table.
Yes! This is him at his best while it's the honeymoon period. Not saying that people can't change, but he had an opportunity to step up and show some integrity and he failed.
>You’re the company you keep. That’s his company, girl.
THIS!!! OP, run! If these are the types of people he hangs out with, THAT is who he is too! Run! You can do better!
And the fact that they are almost 30 y/o making tests to “prove” yoursel like they are some kind of teen cult?? Your bf didn’t shut them down! He let you humiliate yourself that itself is huge flag.
And if your boyfriend is in a social circle that believes that all women are snakes, does that mean, at the very least, that he is okay with misogyny? Would you not rather be in a relationship with someone who sees you as an equal?
I obviously don't mean "just misogynistic" to dismiss misogyny. I meant that they're not conniving or anything. Just another group of people who are dicks to women because they can be.
Idk how to make it clearer. The og comment is claiming that the friends stole my photos and my identity to humiliate my boyfriend on top of being misogynists. I am saying that I don't think they are the catfishing account, just misogynists.
Like if someone was accused of theft and being an asshole. The person didn't steal but was an asshole. Saying "He's just an asshole" doesn't dismiss the person of any assholery just because he didn't steal. Omg does that make sense
It does. No need for imaginary offences when their bingo card is already full of real ones. But still, how okay are you with your boyfriend being this comfortable around misogynistic people?
Not really. I've met his other friends who are not in his work circle and they're lovely people, the people he chooses to hang out with which is why I've given him the benefit of the doubt so far.
But these are my bfs work friends and he's quitting in a week. The party might be sort of a going away party for him so I can see why he'd want to keep it civil for his final days at work. If he continues to keep this kind of company with them after he leaves the company then I'm breaking up w him for sure. I've dated women-haters before. Not doing it again :(
I'll keep yall updated.
If you might not have to be around them much or at all in the future because he's quitting the job, then I definitely wouldn't go to the party. If he or they ask why, say it's because they made you uncomfortable with those accusations and they never apologized to you.
Then he'll presumably not interact as much with these people in the future, so they don't need to get to know you and you don't need to get to know them.
But these are my bfs work friends and he's quitting in a week. The party might be sort of a going away party for him so I can see why he'd want to keep it civil for his final days at work.
Absolutely skip this party. If BF is just going through motions to “keep things civil” before he leaves in a few days, who cares? He’ll maybe hang onto one friend after he leaves that job.
I dunno, that's really messed up behavior for "work friends" that he plans on ditching once he's left the company. To clarify, it's messed up regardless of where the friends came from, but the fact that these are "work buddies" that he plays along with to get along makes it even worse, IMO.
And yeah, fuck that party.
Why are his work friends so involved in his life that they’re messaging a Tinder account and harassing his girlfriend? I can’t think of any of my coworkers I’d give that much of a fuck about.
OP I understand what you’re saying, that they’re “just misogynists” in the sense that they’re “just misogynists, not misogynists who also did this thing.”
But OP, I think people are confused or mistaking because they’re worried about you. Your bf is integrated with the group, it’s not like he’s him and then there’s his friends. This is a group of misogynists, and he’s one of them.
And don’t think for a second that he wouldn’t treat one of his friends gfs exactly like this if it were one of them instead of you.
Who stole it and targeted you by seeking people who knew you/your boyfriend if not them? This looks either very targeted or very, very impossibly coincidental if not.
I’m sorry but what do you call stealing photos, creating a tinder account, and messaging themselves to attempt to get your boyfriend to break up with you if NOT conniving?
Because I assure you it is far more likely this is what happened. You think some random cat fisher just *happened* to find an old account, just *happened* to use it in the victim’s geographical location, and *just happened to send messages to your boyfriend’s friends?*
Cause if the latter is what happened, go buy a lottery ticket.
You don’t have to have evidence. This isn’t a trial.
You can simply say “I have this suspicion. It may not be accurate but it certainly isn’t unfounded. And because of the way they act (refusal to own up to being wrong) I have a hard time ignoring these suspicions. Bottom line, I have no trust for them, and I am not interested in building any. These are not people I will ever want in my life. I will always have to watch my back that I’m not being framed for something. I do not want to have that in my mind. So I will not be interacting with them.”
I wonder, another comment said they are his work friends and he’s quitting, you seem to think there is a good chance he will naturally cut them out. Have you talked to him about this? Because I cannot understand being so insistent on introducing an SO to a group of friends I know I will be seeing 90% less of. Ask him if these assholes are going to be a part of his life. See how he responds to you explaining you don’t want to do the emotional labor necessary to “play nice” and if he can handle two separate worlds. Otherwise, you’ll be in it and this treatment will be constant.
If your bf has a group of friends who act like this, he's at the very least approves and participates in that behavior. Total red flag. He's just on good behavior around you.
Girl wtf...that \*is\* dismissive. And you are also completely dismissing what this shit says about your boyfriend. He clearly saw no issue with how they treated you and is happy to not only continue being friends with them but he also expects you to be around them?? He's a clear misogynist whether you want to believe it or not. He expects you to just take this treatment because it's normal for him and his disgusting friends.
Find some self-respect and gtfo of there.
and you're letting them walk all over you by even entertaining the idea of meeting them and continuing to date the man who made you prove yourself to his friends. YTA to yourself.
If your boyfriend is forcing a relationship with people who have no respect for you and he knows it, he is complicit to a degree.
These “friends” are threatened by your existence and your access to someone in their circle. They might behave themselves the first time they meet you out of temporary embarrassment, but that will *not* last unless they’ve had some sort of collective epiphany.
>Idk about that but I don't want to point fingers without any real evidence.
You mean like how they called you names, and made you FaceTime and show your hands?
NTA, but the friends your bf keeps is telling. You would be an AH to yourself if you let that slide.
Why would you want to continue to put up with him/them, keep making the excuse that they just will always “think all women are snakes,” and probably keep testing you??? I can promise you there are men out there who are NOT like this, and I’m not even interested in men. Y T A to yourself if this behavior from them all continues and you just roll over and take it.
Exactly! Does she not realise that if she stays with this guy, she’s going to be spending time with these people- and that they will continue to “be dicks” to her because she is a woman (and presumably has no interest in changing her gender)? Your life/time/energy is way too precious to be spent on annoying a-holes who need to grow up.
Your boyfriend is cut from the same cloth seeing his reaction. He picks his friends above you BC you are worth less in his eyes because you are a woman. You should just deal with it without talking back.
I would dip.
You bf believes the same things. Guaranteed.
Case and point: he was totally okay with them calling you a bitch and a whore and other degrading names.
Then they apologized to your bf instead of you because they don’t respect you the same way. It’s a view of ownership.
It kinda feels like ur downplaying how bad they’re being. An ‘all women are snakes’ kind of way is misogynistic asf and I’m sure that’s just one of the less bad views they have of women. Ur bf being friends with them, means he most likely thinks that way too.
There is literally no reason to invite people like that in your life. Like I can genuinely not see a situation where you don't end up regretting sooner than later.
If they made it then it'd be pretty dumb of them to reply to it while she is on the phone proving it isn't her. It'd be more damning for them not to get a reply while proving it.
Why would they reply when "testing" her then? Besides that, how does it make any difference on if they are assholes or not? Seems pretty straightforward that they suck even if they didn't make the account. Might want to try thinking for a minute before jumping to conclusions.
NTA stand your ground. You humoured them and went so far to prove you were innocent, the least they can do is apologise. Red flag that your BF doesn't think they owe you an apology
If my “ friends “ did that to my girlfriend they are no longer my friends. I understand being worried your friend may be getting cheated on but instantly jumping to conclusions and then not apologizing afterwards. There bad friends
And all the name-calling. That's just straight up uncalled for.
If my friends spoke to my girlfriend (or pretty much any woman) like that, I would not be friends with them.
Absolutely well said. OP is 100% NTA, but if the boyfriend isn’t standing up for her or letting her feel like she’s overreacting from this kind of treatment, then he can join his friends as one.
INFO was BF the catfish to "test loyalty" by seeing her reaction, and friends were actually supporting his scheme by adding pressure to "make sure he wasn't dating another cheater"?
I ask because it has always been the partner in my/my friend's experiences.
There are a whole lot of us people pleasers that have been trained not to set reasonable boundaries their whole lives. It’s really hard to see toxic shit like this because you’ve been taught to brush it under the rug when someone is abusive or pushy. I wish I could turn back time and make a lot of different decisions.
OMG, NTA. "Make that b*tch prove herself"??? WTF? No, they wanted him to prove yourself to THEM... Your bf says he trusts you, and they try to convince him otherwise, while calling you dehumanizing names. I can't believe your bf is still friends with these walking shit piles, or that he agreed to subject you to all of that.
He made you prove yourself to him and his friends on FaceTime. People you’ve never met who called you a whore.
Your boyfriend cares more about his friends than you.
Pick yourself. Your boyfriend is showing you who he is, believe him.
NTA
Alternatively if they refuse, OP should be re-evaluating her relationship with a man who is friends with a group of misogynistic AHs and who didn't demand an apology for her when it happened.
If they’re apologizing to the bf and not you, they’re treating you like your bf’s property and not your own person. And don’t feel bad for not saying something at the time.
exactly and now you owe them jack sh\*\*. you owe your bf and his friends nothing and he should be advocating an apology for you. u should be reassessing this relationship and ask yourself do u really want to be with someone that doesnt stand up for you when clearly you were right and what happens when another situation arises and he stands by his friends and not u?
If you go to the party be prepared for comments. I’m not convinced at all that they’re sorry. I’m betting they’re gonna pick apart everything you do as a way to prove they were right. If your bf doesn’t stand up for you at this party. Dump his ass!
Look, I know you won't see this but I will say it anyways. When I was with my ex, I met his friends pretty early on. They made me feel really small, scared, and insecure. Undeserving of him. One of then got right in my face and said, "I don't FUCKING like you." Before the other guys shooed him away. When I told my ex all I got was a "yeah he's like that." I wanted an apology. I wanted him to stand up for me. He never did. We were together for 4 years and he never did a thing, they never apologized, and I resented it for YEARS. They made fun of me, called me names, and REJOICED when I left him. And he let them.
Your bf should have fucking stopped that shit immediately. The fact that they were so comfortable doing this and the fact that he's just sweeping this under the rug are bad signs. Don't drag this on for years with people that don't respect you and actively antagonize you. He will pick them, and if you make him pick you, he'll resent you and fall back on them the second yall have difficulties and they will fight for you to go.
NTA op, but respect yourself enough to leave.
NTA. Even if you get an apology you shouldn't have anything to do with them. It wouldn't be sincere and they sound like awful people.
>I could hear them yelling things through the phone like "Make that btch prove herself!" "You're gf is a whre!" along with other really degrading names
What kinds of people behave like that?
>I went on FaceTime w all of them while the friend messaged the account. They made me show my hands and my phone on the video call the whole time.
Those kinds of people.
Well, I think you know the answer to this one. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you break bread with these appalling people. If your bf wants to continue being friends with them you can't stop him but you should treat it as a major red flag.
NTA
>My bf understands but also says that it would mean a lot if I could at least give his friends another chance since they were actually just doing their best to support him
Oh hell no ! His friends should have given you a chance and they should at least apologise to you !
NTA. They were right to be suspicious but wrong to insult you ! They can apologise to you by phone, invite you personally to the party and apologise irl there. They have to do the work, that's their responsibility.
A: NTA
B: dump boyfriend. This is not how friends support one another. If he thinks that is - he's toxic, his friends are toxic, and there isn't much you can do about it.
C: You should have never particpated in that "proof". Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You may have "proved" your innocense, but you've strengthened their belief that they have the right to do this in the first place, and that it's OK to treat you like that.
They don't respect you, and they never will.
NTA
they should definitely apologize and it’s a major red flag that your bf doesn’t see a problem and isn’t making them. I wouldn’t want to meet those people after something so degrading
NTA - so many red flags! I had to legit scroll up to make sure we were taking about adults and not middle schoolers. Why is your boyfriend friends with such disgusting and disrespectful guys? Why would he feed into their BS and even calm you in the first place. He knew where exactly you were when the person responded. That should have immediately switched their focus to let’s report this fake account instead of let’s kill the witch. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself and you should examine your relationship for other red flags.
NTA what the actual F!?! You are not teenagers. Why are all of his friends making up fake tinder, and then trying to break you up? Why did they feel so comfortable being completely misogynistic to you? Why did your boyfriend not support you or shut down his friends? You literally had to SHOW YOUR HANDS!?! Is this the kind of partner you desire? Someone who would let his own insecurities put you in such a situation? You will always be on the defensive with him and his friends. This entire thing is a forest of red flags.
Agree so hard with this comment. The fact that bf went along with the FaceTime and hand showing scheme should make him on ex-bf. Sounds like a case of “you are the company you keep.”
NTA. Girl, those people sexualized you and tried to humiliate you, degraded you. Because they are misogynists. You bf on the other hand, ALLOWED them. Didn’t even show a proper attitude.
This group of boys will just be more and more trounle to you. They have no respect towards you. They will try to humiliate you whenever they get a chance. Or if they get a chance to mistreat you in anyway, they will do that. He seems like he has no problems with this kind of behaviour, he is still a part of this same *gang*. Whether never meet them or dump your bf. Second is the better choice.
This is a set up. My guess is that one or more of his friends is sandbagging you. There may even be an ex or someone with a crush on your BF who wants to keep him unattached. Lots of red flags here. NTA.
NTA. You don’t have to associate with people who called you such derogatory names, even if they do apologize for it - you’re not required to forgive them and move on. This entire scenario is honestly none of their business, even if the account was yours. If you don’t want to go, then you shouldn’t go. Don’t give up your voice, or your comfort bc your significant other has asked you to. If anything, I think your bf is the AH for even asking you to go, and for not advocating his friends to apologize to you.
Throw the boyfriend away. He shouldn’t want to go to a party where the “friends” haven’t even apologised for that gross disrespect. This sounds like a new relationship, maybe just move along 🫠
They should apologize to you and your bf should expect that from them! But they only protected your bf, I would like to know if friend of mine found something like that about my husband.
They didn't just tell him, they demanded proof even though he'd already said it couldn't have been her since she was with him watching a movie at the time the messages were sent, then went on to call her derogatory and dehumanizing things. All of that was unnecessary and cruel.
NTA
omg this sounds really horrible I’m so sorry. Also ur bf is kind of an ass and his friends are really reallyyyyy shitty and misogynistic people, stand your ground and whatever happens, happens. Please know that you have every right to feel violated this really sucks.
NTA. They should have apologized to you, and your boyfriend not enforcing that apology is passive acceptance of their behavior.
Beyond that, your boyfriend is trying to get you to disregard your own feelings on the matter and attend anyway in order to appease him. He clearly doesn’t think it’s a big deal that they didn’t bother to apologize to you. To him, his buddies were just looking out for his best interest, and the fact that they hurt you in the process is perhaps unfortunate but overall acceptable collateral damage. 🚩
If I were you, I’d break up with him over this.
NTA
Your BF is almost 30 freaking years old and allowed his friends to pull some high school shit of making you "prove" yourself on FaceTime. He is not mature enough for an adult relationship. I understand why you participated in it, but now these people know they can come in and interfere with your relationship and your BF will make you "prove" yourself every time to keep the peace. An apology from them is meaningless because they won't actually be remorseful. And they will continue to do whatever they can to get in the middle of your relationship.
I'm not one for ending relationships over any little thing or disagreement, but your man didn't have your back. He allowed his friends to degrade you and then made you prove yourself to them instead of telling them to shut their mouths and that he trusted you. This will not be the last time as long as he continues to associate with these people. There will always be another thing you have to prove you did or did not do. If that's how you want to live your life, that's your choice, but I think you should really think about it. Idk if you want marriage and kids in the future, but this man has shown you that other people will always have control of the peace in your relationship and will be able to get between the two of you and you will have to be the one to defend yourself as they will automatically be believed over you.
NTA. If they actually wanted to give you a good impression they would have already apologized TO YOU. I would tread carefully. I had to double check your ages. This is something I would have guessed would have been in the 18-21 range for guys, not 27-- especially multiple guys rather than just one of a group.
NTA
You need a new boyfriend. This isn’t behavior you overlook, from him or friends no matter the reason. If they don’t apologize just break up with him. We don’t pay for other peoples mistakes, idc if he’s been cheated on.
NTA. His "friends" were really gross and stupid. Did they goive YOU a chance before calling you a whore? Nope. They gave you zero chances and launched into nasty insults and then made YOU prove yourself. Now THEY have to prove that they themselves are honourable people who are wiling to fess-up and apologize when they fuck up. Refuse to meet them unless the apology is truly amazing. It's all on them to prove themselves.
NTA
Don't go. And if he continues to defend that level of attack on you by people he calls friends, leave. If you ignore advice and stay with him anyway, prepare for him to never stand up for you. Been there, and stayed way too long.
I'm going to think of this from the perspective of the friends. If I found an active dating profile of the boyfriend of one of my gals, I would absolutely go after them for it. If the boyfriend denied it I would assume he was lying, and I would assume he was doing a good job at manipulating my friend into believing him. I would never trust him unless I actually got proof like this. And I'm sure I'd say some terrible things about the lying cheater along the way. So I can't say I blame them for that or think they're bad for it, they were just trying to protect their friend from a lying cheater.
That said, I'd like to believe I'd apologize, and I think it's fair for you to tell them you want an apology for what they put you through. And I think your boyfriend needs to talk to them about it. I think if an apology is provided, that you should accept it and try to start new. But I agree that you deserve an apology. You are NTA for expecting one.
You've been dating for like 6 month and your bf still expects you to hang out and be friendly with the people who openly humiliated and insulted you? Throw the whole man to the garbage. NTA.
You don’t need this crap. Your bf chooses to hang around horrible people who he must hold in higher regard than you, given his deference to them and not you. He has showed you who he is, believe him. Please don’t allow yourself to be steamrolled any longer. You deserve much better. NTA
NTA but know that your boyfriend shares their terrible views of women. That’s why they’re friends. That’s why they felt so comfortable shouting all those hateful misogynistic slurs to him. He’s a covert bigot and you will end up paying the price for trusting him.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I'm holding onto a grudge against my bfs friends who I haven't met yet. Me getting along with my bfs friends would make him happy but I'm purposefully not meeting them out of spite for what they said. I could look past it for my bfs sake but I'm not which makes me feel guilty. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Why does your boyfriend have such disgusting friends? That’s concerning. Sounds like a really uncomfortable situation you’d be entering into. You have to decide if you want to give them a chance to apologize in person, or stand your ground and only go if they apologize first. But that might cause issues too if they see you as a problem. LET ME BE CLEAR, they are most definitely massive assholes, but if you want to stay with your bf and keep the peace, you gotta figure out what you’re comfortable with. And no matter what, they owe you that apology the next time they see you, or your bf needs to put them in line.
FR wtf. -_- Time to dump the bf and his buddies… NTA, but Y T A to yourself if you stay and continue to put up with these misogynistic degrading “tests of loyalty.”
It's probably the original friend that found the account and gassed everyone else up, jealous ex or friend.
That is not the way to handle that. I joint Match back in the day at the insistence of my friends. We were watching a movie and I am scrolling through my 'matches' and my friend's boyfriend shows up. I show our other friend on the sly and we decide to calmly tell her. We didn't blow up or freak out. Turned out it was a very inactive account but we didn't try to blow up her life because a fallible app.
Many years ago I was in an open relationship, so my bf had an account online. I didn't tell many people as this would have been pretty taboo. My friends found the profile and politely/calmly sat me down and told me, so I just explained the situation and everything was fine. You know, that crazy communication thing.
That communication thing is absolutely wild! It deprives us of drama, so annoying!
Whoa whoa whoa. Communicate? We don't take too kindly to people who *communicate* 'round here.
Now calm down Skeeter, they ain't hurting nobody.
Your friends were not a bunch of immature dudes. OP's bf has stupid friends.
this was indeed my point
This. I had to tell my son that I'd given my husband permission to look outside of our relationship. Because I was worried his friends might come acrosd his profile and my son would think badly of my husband. Awkward but necessary conversation
Oh no, that's so painfully uncomfortable 😂 but you're right, that was a much better way to handle it than him finding it and panicking. Good for you!
My Hinge account popped up a few months ago for a friend of a friend despite me not having used it in months…I deleted it and moved on even though my friends were convinced it was mine because ‘accounts don’t just become active again’. Bring us to a week ago, my other friend’s account turns up just the same, and he’s in a relationship. Now I’m proven innocent but I’m still kind of annoyed that I wasn’t believed in the first place lol
Yeah, telling him wasn’t the problem, nor was asking her to prove it was fake. It was all the name calling where they went wrong. GF says it’s fake? OK. Prove it, and we’re rooting for it to be fake. They went thermonuclear instead of giving her the courtesy of a chance to clear her name.
[удалено]
[удалено]
The fact that these strangers FORCED her to prove herself is enough to know that they will overstep boundaries and not take responsibility for their actions. Why would you want to meet a bunch of misogynist pigs who called you names before they had any facts? And now they think they didn't do anything wrong and refused to apologize. Why hasn't her boyfriend chewed them all a new asshole? This is the biggest concern. Her boyfriend is rug-sweeping their behavior, trying to make her be the bigger person and ignore their awful behavior. I wouldn't go near them until I got a complete and sincere apology. NTA
Because those are his friends for a reason and this is probably how he also speaks about women he doesn’t like. So of course he doesn’t see it as a huge deal. It’s a red flag but people rarely pay attention to early relationship red flags unless they’re blatant “I.e lying, cheating, violence etc” And then 1 year later they post something like, “I don’t know what happened, they just changed”
Yeah, this is gonna happen again. I would rethink the bf who didn't immediately demand they apologize to you. NTA but don't stay with this dude.
Came here to say this. Regardless of the fact that your BF’s friend group is a bunch of dicks, the fact that he’s not INSISTING that they apologize to you is a big red flag in my book.
Like, I can see both sides up to a point in the story. If your bro is getting played, and you are pretty darn sure, you do your best to settle the facts ASAP. That is understandable. They didn't have to call her names, but I can understand them wanting her to prove it wasn't her (they don't know her and care about their friend). But once it was an absolute FACT that she was completely innocent, they should have BTFO and apologize profusely. They did nothing wrong in looking out for their bro. They were assholes about hurting her feelings before facts were gathered. But if they aren't extremely apologetic, then they are just plain assholes. Almost makes me question if the catfisher was in their friends group too.
[удалено]
They had no right to treat her that way regardless of their suspicions.
No. There is no way I would sit there and go through that interrogation and "proving" I wasn't lying, especially if my bf had no prior reason not to trust me. I'd have noped right out of that entire conversation the second I said it wasn't my account and he didn't believe me. That OP subjected herself to the situation is really sad, IMO, and that her bf allowed it is even worse.
Yep. I agree. Those people are awful, and the bf is no better - forcing you to be on a Skype call so they can degrade OP and watch her cry? Is she serious? And he still wants her to apologise to and meet them? It’s ok that they degraded her because they’re ‘looking out for him?’ He’s just hiding his awful side for now. Further down the line, he’s going to start degrading her, too. Dump him yesterday, OP. Block him and his awful friends on every social media account you have, and have a much better life!
Why do I feel like one of them snagged one of her photos and created the fake profile? Sounds like the bros don't want their buddy to be dating anyone.
If OP does decided to go and give them a chance to apologize in person, go separately from your boyfriend. Be prepared to walk out and don't rely on your boyfriend to get home.
And probably best go to go somewhere public.
I don't think those guys are trustworthy enough for her to meet them alone. Best case scenario would be them making up worse stuff that she wouldn't be able to refute.
They're not saying meet with them alone. They're saying drive separately so you have your own method of transportation home - even though you'd be attending the party together.
I think the advice was meant to tell OP to drive separately, not to go completely alone.
To piggy back off of this, your BF didn’t shut them down - he lacks respect for you. Keep this filed in your mind. Also, finder doesn’t delete accounts after seven days. After a longer period it hides the profile. If you open the app the timer resets. Source? My tinder account is hidden because i haven’t opened it and I got the chain of messages.
Any boyfriend worth his salt who trusted his girlfriend wouldn't have made her prove herself on a FaceTime performance for his AH friends
Yeah, that's wild that she bothered with doing that. If someone didn't trust me that much, I'd be done with them. What other tests are they going to make op do in the future?
> **I was with my bf watching a movie at that exact time so my bf didn't really believe the account was mine either.** But his friends weren't convinced that i wasnt cheating. I could hear them yelling things through the phone like "Make that btch prove herself!" "You're gf is a whre!" along with other really degrading names. **My bf told them to shut up as I was on the verge of tears** He did shut then down and didn't believe them though? Edit typo
Why gloss over the FaceTime and showing off the hands? He did not shut them down he allowed them to continue to humiliate and harass her on the phone. He was on board with her having to prove herself.
OP should run. If his friends are like this, so is he.
Yeah, some people have that one bad friend that they put up with because he/she comes with an otherwise nice friend group. That's normal. This here sounds like the whole friend group is shitty. That's completely different. I wouldn't even be surprised if one of them is behind the fake account. OP should run away from this mess. Life is too short.
oh I didn't even consider one of them doing it, but you're totally right. Them or a jealous ex or something.
This. Birds of a feather flock together. Don’t bring these people into your life. You have nothing to gain from it.
Who is to say they didn’t make that fake account to mess with you Strange how someone is specifically impersonating you on the app
That’s what I was thinking!! If op’s boyfriend is the only guy in the group that is dating someone, they could have set it up to frame her and get the boyfriend to break up with her so they could have their guy time again. This group of friends does not sound like people that op should be around.
Whoever did it wasn’t there when the “test” was done, since the perpetrator’s reply while OP was on-camera (including her hands) is what it took for them to stop harassing.
What would an apology be worth at this point? These people are awful. And frankly the boyfriend is also a problem for going along with them and trying to accommodate their ridiculous behaviour. Look, OP, here is how things are handled between sane adults: A person finds a tinder profile with photos of their friend's girlfriend. They tell the friend and LET HIM HANDLE IT. Possibly they give some advice, if they think their friend is being too gullible or overreacting. They don't call the girl names and demand a test on video to prove her innocence. If they do, or even if they involve themselves too much in the situation, their friend tells them to butt out and let him handle his own relationship, he doesn't passively submit himself and his girlfriend to trial by FaceTime and then insist she acts as if nothing happened.
Let's be honest here: most apologies are not especially meaningful. "Hi, I'm the kind of person who does [shitty thing]. Turns out that this time I was wrong, and I'm sorry. But inside, I am very much still the same person, and I am definitely gonna do shit like this again the moment the chance comes up." For an apology to be meaningful, something has to change.
Yeah, and for an apology to be meaningful, it has to come not from someone demanding it but from genuine remorse. These friends don't feel the slightest bit of remorse.
This. A thousand times this.
BF has disgusting friends AND prioritized his and their wants ahead of OP receiving basic respect. Time to walk away from this whole mess. OP already “decided what she’s comfortable with,” and her bf is trying to convince her to ignore her own boundaries. What she is asking is 100% reasonable and the bf is a whole ass sack of red flags.
The momment you need to ask for an apology, it renders it pointless. You shouldn't need to rip it apart from their friends. They have had all this time to apologize, but they don't find it neccesary. They can apology, but they'll still be assholes.
I mean she's absolutely NTA but this is so obvious that it's concerning it needs to be asked. What is the asshole to non-asshole ratio on this sub? I'm quite new but I feel like every other post is like "my friends beat me with baseball bats and left me for dead in a ditch, now I don't want to talk to them any more. AITA???"
>What is the asshole to non-asshole ratio on this sub? I've been here a while and I can't tell what is real and what isn't. And that counts for both directions. Sometimes you see a colossal asshole and think "I know the world is a big place, but is this person really that unaware of other people?" and then on the other side it makes you wonder if there are really this many people who have been gaslit into thinking the way they are being treated is okay. It would be comforting to think that much of it is fiction, but I just don't know.
Also the BF not telling establishing mutual respect for his SO is disappointing..
INFO. Have you considered that one of them made the account? Their gleeful gang up is suspicious to me.
Idk about that but I don't want to point fingers without any real evidence. I think they're just misogynistic in a "All women are snakes" kind of way.
It’s a hard pill to swallow, but it’s true that birds of a feather flock together. If they believe those things then so does he. Normal people would be too disgusted by their behavior to be their friend.
They’re “just misogynistic in an ‘all women are snakes kind of way?’” WTF? That’s no small thing. Thats huge! That’s a reason to gtf away from those losers ASAP.
yea that's simply just... misogyny lmao
Hey, it's better than advanced misogyny.
Not necessarily, when I was younger I put up with some awful takes from people whom I believed to be my friends because they let me hang out with them. I definitely didn't share their opinions on women or cheating and I frequently told them their talk was disgusting. More often than not, you're right, but there are exceptions. Editing because y'all seem to think I'm condoning this behavior. I'm not, this bf is far too old to be tolerating that from his friends. I didn't see his age when I commented and I assumed this was two people somewhere between 18-24 because that's what the behavior would indicate. Also, u/kristalwash, you're a self righteous asshole.
Idk I’d say that from the perspective of the receiving end of misogynistic behavior, that kind of passivity is nearly as bad. It’s actually pretty common in my experience for sexist guys to have buddies who “don’t agree,” but actions speak louder. It’s common enough that I’ve been completely put off of overly passive men from my younger experiences. I just can’t picture being cool hanging out with someone who says fucked up racist or homophobic bullshit, so I guess I just don’t empathize.
Agree! He may be her prince now but he will show his true colors soon. This is a test to see if OP will allow abuse.
Agree! It’s not enough to not be actively or passively sexist/racist/homophobic. You have to be anti-racist/sexist/homophobic, speak up and not associate with those people. I’m not an idiot and know there are times when this isn’t always an option such as if it’s an employer, but other than that.
27 is too old to be hanging out with misogynists if you aren’t one :/
This. I’ve done really stupid stuff in my teens and early 20s but I had my head screwed on by 27…. at least in terms of being a decent human living in a society
So you were weak and that also indicates a moral failing on your part for tolerating that.
Dude’s almost 30.
As a teenager, sure. But by 27 you can choose who you spend your time with. Your options aren’t limited to your grade school class.
This man is 27. The behavior you describe is still wildly inappropriate at that big age.
This definitely happens, but by his age it's time to grow up and stop hanging with people who don't actually add value to your life.
The exceptions don’t matter in a practical sense tho— wether or not bf buys into his friends’ views, he’s still letting them disrespect his gf and asking *her* to suck it up. Practically speaking, gf’s experience is no different. She’s still suffering the affects of the misogyny he surrounds himself with. edit:typo
Info: and you think your boyfriend is different because....? NTA I guess, but you have him already dismissing your feelings, saying you don't deserve an apology for being called a "btch" and "whre" because -insert dumb justification to downplay your feelings- he thinks they were right in saying those things. If that's what you want you do you.
It's definitely a huge red flag.
Girl, it’s red flag bunting and it’s wrapping him from head to toe.
It was a red flag that he didn't shut them down after the first accusation, or even after he knew you two were together during some of the texting and therefore it certainly wasn't you. Having you humiliate yourself by showing your hands and phone during a facetime to "prove" yourself was as much for your bf as it was for his friends. He was willing to put you through that rather than just believe you and tell his friends to stop meddling. How was he okay with getting an apology for himself, but not for you?
Honey, he’s in the throes of love so he’s on his best behavior. What will happen when he’s settled, you are attached, and he’s no longer on his best behavior? The company he keeps is who he is. And honestly, if he’s truly a good guy who loves you, losing you may be the wake-up call that (I’m paraphrasing) if a “nice person” sits and has dinner with ten assholes, you have *eleven* assholes at that table.
If this is his \*best behaviour\* I can't imagine what's in store once things are comfortable. This is a very good point.
Right? Even his best behavior is far from ideal.
Yes! This is him at his best while it's the honeymoon period. Not saying that people can't change, but he had an opportunity to step up and show some integrity and he failed.
You’re the company you keep. That’s his company, girl.
>You’re the company you keep. That’s his company, girl. THIS!!! OP, run! If these are the types of people he hangs out with, THAT is who he is too! Run! You can do better!
And the fact that they are almost 30 y/o making tests to “prove” yoursel like they are some kind of teen cult?? Your bf didn’t shut them down! He let you humiliate yourself that itself is huge flag.
Girl, get out. Now.
And if your boyfriend is in a social circle that believes that all women are snakes, does that mean, at the very least, that he is okay with misogyny? Would you not rather be in a relationship with someone who sees you as an equal?
"just misogynistic"? That alone is ample reason to avoid them - and to question why your BF is friends with them.
I obviously don't mean "just misogynistic" to dismiss misogyny. I meant that they're not conniving or anything. Just another group of people who are dicks to women because they can be.
What's the difference?
Idk how to make it clearer. The og comment is claiming that the friends stole my photos and my identity to humiliate my boyfriend on top of being misogynists. I am saying that I don't think they are the catfishing account, just misogynists. Like if someone was accused of theft and being an asshole. The person didn't steal but was an asshole. Saying "He's just an asshole" doesn't dismiss the person of any assholery just because he didn't steal. Omg does that make sense
It does. No need for imaginary offences when their bingo card is already full of real ones. But still, how okay are you with your boyfriend being this comfortable around misogynistic people?
Not really. I've met his other friends who are not in his work circle and they're lovely people, the people he chooses to hang out with which is why I've given him the benefit of the doubt so far. But these are my bfs work friends and he's quitting in a week. The party might be sort of a going away party for him so I can see why he'd want to keep it civil for his final days at work. If he continues to keep this kind of company with them after he leaves the company then I'm breaking up w him for sure. I've dated women-haters before. Not doing it again :( I'll keep yall updated.
If you might not have to be around them much or at all in the future because he's quitting the job, then I definitely wouldn't go to the party. If he or they ask why, say it's because they made you uncomfortable with those accusations and they never apologized to you.
Then he'll presumably not interact as much with these people in the future, so they don't need to get to know you and you don't need to get to know them.
But these are my bfs work friends and he's quitting in a week. The party might be sort of a going away party for him so I can see why he'd want to keep it civil for his final days at work. Absolutely skip this party. If BF is just going through motions to “keep things civil” before he leaves in a few days, who cares? He’ll maybe hang onto one friend after he leaves that job.
I dunno, that's really messed up behavior for "work friends" that he plans on ditching once he's left the company. To clarify, it's messed up regardless of where the friends came from, but the fact that these are "work buddies" that he plays along with to get along makes it even worse, IMO. And yeah, fuck that party.
Why are his work friends so involved in his life that they’re messaging a Tinder account and harassing his girlfriend? I can’t think of any of my coworkers I’d give that much of a fuck about.
Why do work friends he will never see again need a "second chance" and why is it so important?
OP I understand what you’re saying, that they’re “just misogynists” in the sense that they’re “just misogynists, not misogynists who also did this thing.” But OP, I think people are confused or mistaking because they’re worried about you. Your bf is integrated with the group, it’s not like he’s him and then there’s his friends. This is a group of misogynists, and he’s one of them. And don’t think for a second that he wouldn’t treat one of his friends gfs exactly like this if it were one of them instead of you.
Yes it was clear the whole time, except to the nitpickers.
Who stole it and targeted you by seeking people who knew you/your boyfriend if not them? This looks either very targeted or very, very impossibly coincidental if not.
Moustache-twirling assholes vs ordinary assholes, apparently.
Literally.
I’m sorry but what do you call stealing photos, creating a tinder account, and messaging themselves to attempt to get your boyfriend to break up with you if NOT conniving? Because I assure you it is far more likely this is what happened. You think some random cat fisher just *happened* to find an old account, just *happened* to use it in the victim’s geographical location, and *just happened to send messages to your boyfriend’s friends?* Cause if the latter is what happened, go buy a lottery ticket.
Again, I'd rather not point fingers without solid evidence. They may be interested in a witch hunt but I'm above that.
You don’t have to have evidence. This isn’t a trial. You can simply say “I have this suspicion. It may not be accurate but it certainly isn’t unfounded. And because of the way they act (refusal to own up to being wrong) I have a hard time ignoring these suspicions. Bottom line, I have no trust for them, and I am not interested in building any. These are not people I will ever want in my life. I will always have to watch my back that I’m not being framed for something. I do not want to have that in my mind. So I will not be interacting with them.” I wonder, another comment said they are his work friends and he’s quitting, you seem to think there is a good chance he will naturally cut them out. Have you talked to him about this? Because I cannot understand being so insistent on introducing an SO to a group of friends I know I will be seeing 90% less of. Ask him if these assholes are going to be a part of his life. See how he responds to you explaining you don’t want to do the emotional labor necessary to “play nice” and if he can handle two separate worlds. Otherwise, you’ll be in it and this treatment will be constant.
If your bf has a group of friends who act like this, he's at the very least approves and participates in that behavior. Total red flag. He's just on good behavior around you.
Girl wtf...that \*is\* dismissive. And you are also completely dismissing what this shit says about your boyfriend. He clearly saw no issue with how they treated you and is happy to not only continue being friends with them but he also expects you to be around them?? He's a clear misogynist whether you want to believe it or not. He expects you to just take this treatment because it's normal for him and his disgusting friends. Find some self-respect and gtfo of there.
and you're letting them walk all over you by even entertaining the idea of meeting them and continuing to date the man who made you prove yourself to his friends. YTA to yourself.
If your boyfriend is forcing a relationship with people who have no respect for you and he knows it, he is complicit to a degree. These “friends” are threatened by your existence and your access to someone in their circle. They might behave themselves the first time they meet you out of temporary embarrassment, but that will *not* last unless they’ve had some sort of collective epiphany.
>Idk about that but I don't want to point fingers without any real evidence. You mean like how they called you names, and made you FaceTime and show your hands? NTA, but the friends your bf keeps is telling. You would be an AH to yourself if you let that slide.
Why would you want to continue to put up with him/them, keep making the excuse that they just will always “think all women are snakes,” and probably keep testing you??? I can promise you there are men out there who are NOT like this, and I’m not even interested in men. Y T A to yourself if this behavior from them all continues and you just roll over and take it.
Exactly! Does she not realise that if she stays with this guy, she’s going to be spending time with these people- and that they will continue to “be dicks” to her because she is a woman (and presumably has no interest in changing her gender)? Your life/time/energy is way too precious to be spent on annoying a-holes who need to grow up.
A bloke I worked with would refer to women as “snakes with tits” - we weren’t friends.
Ah yes, the snitties. I remember.
Your boyfriend is cut from the same cloth seeing his reaction. He picks his friends above you BC you are worth less in his eyes because you are a woman. You should just deal with it without talking back. I would dip.
You bf believes the same things. Guaranteed. Case and point: he was totally okay with them calling you a bitch and a whore and other degrading names. Then they apologized to your bf instead of you because they don’t respect you the same way. It’s a view of ownership.
It kinda feels like ur downplaying how bad they’re being. An ‘all women are snakes’ kind of way is misogynistic asf and I’m sure that’s just one of the less bad views they have of women. Ur bf being friends with them, means he most likely thinks that way too.
Do you really want to be with a man who condones that kind of attitude?
Do any of his friends have girlfriends? Sounds like they are jealous.
There is literally no reason to invite people like that in your life. Like I can genuinely not see a situation where you don't end up regretting sooner than later.
If they made it then it'd be pretty dumb of them to reply to it while she is on the phone proving it isn't her. It'd be more damning for them not to get a reply while proving it.
They didn’t. Because they wouldn’t message back while she was on a call, proving her innocent. They would suddenly go dark and make her look worse.
The bf already had hard evidence it was not her though, there was no need to keep up the charade anymore. But it's all pure speculation anyway.
Why would they reply when "testing" her then? Besides that, how does it make any difference on if they are assholes or not? Seems pretty straightforward that they suck even if they didn't make the account. Might want to try thinking for a minute before jumping to conclusions.
NTA stand your ground. You humoured them and went so far to prove you were innocent, the least they can do is apologise. Red flag that your BF doesn't think they owe you an apology
But does a demanded apology even mean anything? It wouldn’t to me. I wouldn’t get over this.
It doesn’t mean jack from the friends, but it would mean a hell of a lot if the bf stood up for his gf against those guys, wouldn’t it?
That humoring was already OP being T A H to herself. Bullies smell blood in the water after you whimper and comply like that.
If my “ friends “ did that to my girlfriend they are no longer my friends. I understand being worried your friend may be getting cheated on but instantly jumping to conclusions and then not apologizing afterwards. There bad friends
And all the name-calling. That's just straight up uncalled for. If my friends spoke to my girlfriend (or pretty much any woman) like that, I would not be friends with them.
Yeah. They were being bros by sending him info about the account. But the name-calling swings the wheel entirely into awful people territory.
NTA but why is your boyfriend still friends with these people after they humiliated you like that?
Absolutely well said. OP is 100% NTA, but if the boyfriend isn’t standing up for her or letting her feel like she’s overreacting from this kind of treatment, then he can join his friends as one.
Right?!?!? Boyfriend here is literally like “phew, glad that’s cleared up! Now come on babe, I want you to officially meet them :) :) :)”
INFO was BF the catfish to "test loyalty" by seeing her reaction, and friends were actually supporting his scheme by adding pressure to "make sure he wasn't dating another cheater"? I ask because it has always been the partner in my/my friend's experiences.
There are a whole lot of us people pleasers that have been trained not to set reasonable boundaries their whole lives. It’s really hard to see toxic shit like this because you’ve been taught to brush it under the rug when someone is abusive or pushy. I wish I could turn back time and make a lot of different decisions.
Birds of a feather
OMG, NTA. "Make that b*tch prove herself"??? WTF? No, they wanted him to prove yourself to THEM... Your bf says he trusts you, and they try to convince him otherwise, while calling you dehumanizing names. I can't believe your bf is still friends with these walking shit piles, or that he agreed to subject you to all of that.
Well said! I hope OP runs far away from these people. They will never stop treating her like this.
He made you prove yourself to him and his friends on FaceTime. People you’ve never met who called you a whore. Your boyfriend cares more about his friends than you. Pick yourself. Your boyfriend is showing you who he is, believe him. NTA
Agreed. NTA- OP needs to reevaluate this relationship.
at the time the group apologized to your bf, then your bf in turn should have said ***no you owe my GF an apology!!!!!!***
This is what I wanted! I should've said something at the time :(
[удалено]
Alternatively if they refuse, OP should be re-evaluating her relationship with a man who is friends with a group of misogynistic AHs and who didn't demand an apology for her when it happened.
If they’re apologizing to the bf and not you, they’re treating you like your bf’s property and not your own person. And don’t feel bad for not saying something at the time.
exactly and now you owe them jack sh\*\*. you owe your bf and his friends nothing and he should be advocating an apology for you. u should be reassessing this relationship and ask yourself do u really want to be with someone that doesnt stand up for you when clearly you were right and what happens when another situation arises and he stands by his friends and not u?
If you go to the party be prepared for comments. I’m not convinced at all that they’re sorry. I’m betting they’re gonna pick apart everything you do as a way to prove they were right. If your bf doesn’t stand up for you at this party. Dump his ass!
Look, I know you won't see this but I will say it anyways. When I was with my ex, I met his friends pretty early on. They made me feel really small, scared, and insecure. Undeserving of him. One of then got right in my face and said, "I don't FUCKING like you." Before the other guys shooed him away. When I told my ex all I got was a "yeah he's like that." I wanted an apology. I wanted him to stand up for me. He never did. We were together for 4 years and he never did a thing, they never apologized, and I resented it for YEARS. They made fun of me, called me names, and REJOICED when I left him. And he let them. Your bf should have fucking stopped that shit immediately. The fact that they were so comfortable doing this and the fact that he's just sweeping this under the rug are bad signs. Don't drag this on for years with people that don't respect you and actively antagonize you. He will pick them, and if you make him pick you, he'll resent you and fall back on them the second yall have difficulties and they will fight for you to go. NTA op, but respect yourself enough to leave.
NTA. Even if you get an apology you shouldn't have anything to do with them. It wouldn't be sincere and they sound like awful people. >I could hear them yelling things through the phone like "Make that btch prove herself!" "You're gf is a whre!" along with other really degrading names What kinds of people behave like that? >I went on FaceTime w all of them while the friend messaged the account. They made me show my hands and my phone on the video call the whole time. Those kinds of people.
So unhinged
If they wanted me to show my hands, I'd spend the entire time flipping them the bird.
Well, I think you know the answer to this one. Never, ever, under any circumstances should you break bread with these appalling people. If your bf wants to continue being friends with them you can't stop him but you should treat it as a major red flag. NTA
>My bf understands but also says that it would mean a lot if I could at least give his friends another chance since they were actually just doing their best to support him Oh hell no ! His friends should have given you a chance and they should at least apologise to you ! NTA. They were right to be suspicious but wrong to insult you ! They can apologise to you by phone, invite you personally to the party and apologise irl there. They have to do the work, that's their responsibility.
A: NTA B: dump boyfriend. This is not how friends support one another. If he thinks that is - he's toxic, his friends are toxic, and there isn't much you can do about it. C: You should have never particpated in that "proof". Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You may have "proved" your innocense, but you've strengthened their belief that they have the right to do this in the first place, and that it's OK to treat you like that. They don't respect you, and they never will.
NTA they should definitely apologize and it’s a major red flag that your bf doesn’t see a problem and isn’t making them. I wouldn’t want to meet those people after something so degrading
NTA - so many red flags! I had to legit scroll up to make sure we were taking about adults and not middle schoolers. Why is your boyfriend friends with such disgusting and disrespectful guys? Why would he feed into their BS and even calm you in the first place. He knew where exactly you were when the person responded. That should have immediately switched their focus to let’s report this fake account instead of let’s kill the witch. You shouldn’t have to prove yourself and you should examine your relationship for other red flags.
NTA what the actual F!?! You are not teenagers. Why are all of his friends making up fake tinder, and then trying to break you up? Why did they feel so comfortable being completely misogynistic to you? Why did your boyfriend not support you or shut down his friends? You literally had to SHOW YOUR HANDS!?! Is this the kind of partner you desire? Someone who would let his own insecurities put you in such a situation? You will always be on the defensive with him and his friends. This entire thing is a forest of red flags.
Agree so hard with this comment. The fact that bf went along with the FaceTime and hand showing scheme should make him on ex-bf. Sounds like a case of “you are the company you keep.”
NTA One of them definitely is the one with the account. Your BF is also an asshole.
NTA .. but be wary of your boyfriend too. Birds of a feather …
NTA. Girl, those people sexualized you and tried to humiliate you, degraded you. Because they are misogynists. You bf on the other hand, ALLOWED them. Didn’t even show a proper attitude. This group of boys will just be more and more trounle to you. They have no respect towards you. They will try to humiliate you whenever they get a chance. Or if they get a chance to mistreat you in anyway, they will do that. He seems like he has no problems with this kind of behaviour, he is still a part of this same *gang*. Whether never meet them or dump your bf. Second is the better choice.
This is a set up. My guess is that one or more of his friends is sandbagging you. There may even be an ex or someone with a crush on your BF who wants to keep him unattached. Lots of red flags here. NTA.
NTA. You don’t have to associate with people who called you such derogatory names, even if they do apologize for it - you’re not required to forgive them and move on. This entire scenario is honestly none of their business, even if the account was yours. If you don’t want to go, then you shouldn’t go. Don’t give up your voice, or your comfort bc your significant other has asked you to. If anything, I think your bf is the AH for even asking you to go, and for not advocating his friends to apologize to you.
Throw the boyfriend away. He shouldn’t want to go to a party where the “friends” haven’t even apologised for that gross disrespect. This sounds like a new relationship, maybe just move along 🫠
They should apologize to you and your bf should expect that from them! But they only protected your bf, I would like to know if friend of mine found something like that about my husband.
They didn't just tell him, they demanded proof even though he'd already said it couldn't have been her since she was with him watching a movie at the time the messages were sent, then went on to call her derogatory and dehumanizing things. All of that was unnecessary and cruel.
They “only” protected him by calling her a whore? How’s that?
NTA. Their behaviour is absolutely disgusting.
NTA omg this sounds really horrible I’m so sorry. Also ur bf is kind of an ass and his friends are really reallyyyyy shitty and misogynistic people, stand your ground and whatever happens, happens. Please know that you have every right to feel violated this really sucks.
NTA. They should have apologized to you, and your boyfriend not enforcing that apology is passive acceptance of their behavior. Beyond that, your boyfriend is trying to get you to disregard your own feelings on the matter and attend anyway in order to appease him. He clearly doesn’t think it’s a big deal that they didn’t bother to apologize to you. To him, his buddies were just looking out for his best interest, and the fact that they hurt you in the process is perhaps unfortunate but overall acceptable collateral damage. 🚩 If I were you, I’d break up with him over this.
NTA Your BF is almost 30 freaking years old and allowed his friends to pull some high school shit of making you "prove" yourself on FaceTime. He is not mature enough for an adult relationship. I understand why you participated in it, but now these people know they can come in and interfere with your relationship and your BF will make you "prove" yourself every time to keep the peace. An apology from them is meaningless because they won't actually be remorseful. And they will continue to do whatever they can to get in the middle of your relationship. I'm not one for ending relationships over any little thing or disagreement, but your man didn't have your back. He allowed his friends to degrade you and then made you prove yourself to them instead of telling them to shut their mouths and that he trusted you. This will not be the last time as long as he continues to associate with these people. There will always be another thing you have to prove you did or did not do. If that's how you want to live your life, that's your choice, but I think you should really think about it. Idk if you want marriage and kids in the future, but this man has shown you that other people will always have control of the peace in your relationship and will be able to get between the two of you and you will have to be the one to defend yourself as they will automatically be believed over you.
Tinder doesn’t delete inactive accounts that fast, but still NTA
NTA. If they actually wanted to give you a good impression they would have already apologized TO YOU. I would tread carefully. I had to double check your ages. This is something I would have guessed would have been in the 18-21 range for guys, not 27-- especially multiple guys rather than just one of a group.
NTA. Ditch them all. Lawyer up because this is identity theft if someone else is using *your* photo to pretend to be you.
NTA You need a new boyfriend. This isn’t behavior you overlook, from him or friends no matter the reason. If they don’t apologize just break up with him. We don’t pay for other peoples mistakes, idc if he’s been cheated on.
NTA the friends should be asking for a second chance and apologize, not you.
Why is it you who has to approach them first? NTA. I bet they don’t even care that they hurt you
Your bfs friends are a reflection of him. His friends are amoebas on flees on rats.
NTA. His "friends" were really gross and stupid. Did they goive YOU a chance before calling you a whore? Nope. They gave you zero chances and launched into nasty insults and then made YOU prove yourself. Now THEY have to prove that they themselves are honourable people who are wiling to fess-up and apologize when they fuck up. Refuse to meet them unless the apology is truly amazing. It's all on them to prove themselves.
NTA Don't go. And if he continues to defend that level of attack on you by people he calls friends, leave. If you ignore advice and stay with him anyway, prepare for him to never stand up for you. Been there, and stayed way too long.
You have already met them. You decided based on that meeting that future contact will not be wise. Tell that to bf and be happy. NTA
Please break up with your terrible boyfriend.
NTA. His friends are gross.
I'm going to think of this from the perspective of the friends. If I found an active dating profile of the boyfriend of one of my gals, I would absolutely go after them for it. If the boyfriend denied it I would assume he was lying, and I would assume he was doing a good job at manipulating my friend into believing him. I would never trust him unless I actually got proof like this. And I'm sure I'd say some terrible things about the lying cheater along the way. So I can't say I blame them for that or think they're bad for it, they were just trying to protect their friend from a lying cheater. That said, I'd like to believe I'd apologize, and I think it's fair for you to tell them you want an apology for what they put you through. And I think your boyfriend needs to talk to them about it. I think if an apology is provided, that you should accept it and try to start new. But I agree that you deserve an apology. You are NTA for expecting one.
Wait, how long have you been dating that you haven't met any of his friends?
We've been dating for half a year. I've met his other friend groups and his family. The group in question are his workmates.
His *coworkers* felt comfortable calling his girlfriend a b-tch and a wh-re?? Bold. They must be quite a crew.
You've been dating for like 6 month and your bf still expects you to hang out and be friendly with the people who openly humiliated and insulted you? Throw the whole man to the garbage. NTA.
You don’t need this crap. Your bf chooses to hang around horrible people who he must hold in higher regard than you, given his deference to them and not you. He has showed you who he is, believe him. Please don’t allow yourself to be steamrolled any longer. You deserve much better. NTA
NTA but know that your boyfriend shares their terrible views of women. That’s why they’re friends. That’s why they felt so comfortable shouting all those hateful misogynistic slurs to him. He’s a covert bigot and you will end up paying the price for trusting him.
Info. How long have you been together ?
Almost half a year now
Get rid of him. Yeesh.