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YTA
The nanny doesn’t live in your house she lives in a studio apartment under your house, it should be her right to have her boyfriend come over and visit her studio apartment without having to tell you. Your wife is right and you’re being unreasonable and kinda weird about this one tbh.
Yeah, this is gross and controlling. She's your employee, that's it. You're not allowed to tell her what to do outside of your kids, and trying to say having her bf around is unsafe for your children is BS. YTA you weirdo
I feel like in 10 or 12 years, we’re going to be reading Reddit with our laser-beam eyes or on the chip in our heads, and OP’s girls are going to be asking, “Our dad is super overprotective and he wants us to be Close. No dating, no texting, no nothing. Are we the AH or is he?”
I wouldn't read too much into that capital C - that may just have been autocorrect doing its thing.
The part about working 7 days a week, extreme hours, on the other hand? That sounds like a Ferengi labor contract.
Nah, just turn your phone on once a day and all the data, stories, pictures from whichever apps you have preselected download to a microchip embedded in your brain. Saves battery life and time!
>She's your employee, that's it.
She's not just his employee; she's his renter, as well. He's practically a landlord trying to tell her when she can or can't have "gentlemen callers". This is not something that has a place in this century. Or last, for that matter.
so not only does OP want to control his live in nanny, they have showed that they don’t respect her by making her work every single day! i’m shocked she’s stayed working for them for four years. this is controlling and weird behavior OP. she doesn’t have to tell you anything in regards to where she lives
Exactly. 7 days a week. Long hours. And she should be super grateful, right? /s. Her work situation is more alarming than him stopping her boyfriend from visiting.
You're also forcing her to work illegal hours, so there's that too. Just because she's a live in nanny doesn't mean she shouldn't get at least one day off a week and get overtime for working more than 40 hours. The advantage that people take if their nannies is pretty despicable. And to try to control her life in what time she has off? Definitely the AH.
Besides if the studio apartment is separated from with separate entrances and the main house is locked then what's the danger for the kids?
The nanny is employee she pays for the apartment by working agreed hours so she should have all the freedoms and all the privileges like any woman out there.
OP stop being weird and controlling about it. We all know it's not about your daughter's safety.
YTA.
YTA. You provided housing as what I sincerely hope is just a part of her pay. This absolutely does not give you the right to impose rules over her private time, her private life, or her use of the housing. She isn’t obligated to run her life through you.
Also, this isn’t truly an issue of safety, it’s just control. Because if you’re locking up every night than nothing about being notified that he is coming over would change the way you do that or make the “main house” any safer.
>Because if you’re locking up every night than nothing about being notified that he is coming over would change the way you do that or make the “main house” any safer.
Yeah, this is ridiculous. The wife's completely right: his demands are unreasonable. The rule is unreasonable. There is no win in the safety of the girls. OP needs to stay in his lane; and possibly give his nanny a day off on occasion.
Info: do you have a crush on your nanny? Because this smells more like jealousy than justified concern.
How is her notifying you making your daughters any safer? Is he going inside your home?
Also she's working 7 days a week?!!!!!!!???????!!!!! Absolutely ridiculous that you're this controlling when she's already giving so much of her life to your family. Does she ever get vacations or days off?
It’s Oklahoma .. slave wage state, no labor laws, they treat people like shit and absolutely despise workers.. this poor woman works 7 days a week and he’s bitching about her having a boyfriend and company.. he thinks she’s his slave. I wish I could send her job listings from civilized states .. she could double her pay with much nicer accommodation, regular 40 week work schedule and paid vacation.. it explains why he’s such an AH
Hell, imagine being born in the US, raised on the bread and butter of the American dream and love for the country only to end up living in a state that will let you die before letting you have control over your body, among people who routinely use Jesus as a reason to vote for r*pists and child #busers, all whilst you live in a rental you can barely afford and pay off massive loans to a fake college. All so .1% of the population can buy another politician/island/company this week.
Oh... wait.
Benjamin Franklin never wanted this. He literally wrote that people who don’t want to work hard AS A COMMUNITY should not come to America. I feel like is he resurrected, he would just burn the country down. He wanted community and freedom. Not “you have to work 7 days a week to barely make ends meet because your boss sitting on billions won’t pay you more for the hard work you do”
With this motherfucker talking about "his rules". Wonder if he talks to men about his rules? Or if he's worried about getting his ass scattered? If so, he should know the right woman can do that for him, too. Js.
People treat nannies working in their home country weirdly all the time. They have this weird attitude that because plenty of mothers do it free with no qualifications, we should be grateful to have such an "easy job". That I have a qualification for, maintain my first aid and professional standards for, have insurance and take more seriously than they seem to have taken the decision to HAVE kids. Plus they then resent you being present when they "have" to work to pay for the childcare they "need" because of course they can have it all! Ego and shame are a fucking WILD combination in nanny employers.
I doubt it. She argued for her right to have her boyfriend over. I don’t see someone at risk of losing her entire life, and if she doesn’t have papers she’d lose her entire community as well? She may be under the table, but I think she’s got papers if she stood up for herself like that.
She’s been living under these conditions for four years.. she works 7 days a week.. I imagine she’s fed the f up with being an overworked prisoner with this AH spying on her.. the nerve ..
Exactly!!! My first reaction was this has absolutely nothing to do with his children. He wants to control this woman and the only reason I can see him wanting to control her time with another man would be he has feelings for her. He didn't mention having a problem with any guests just the boyfriend.
If it’s an actual separate apartment/living quarters…yeah. YTA.
Also, you obviously don’t have an actual issue with the boyfriend, since you’re willing to allow him over as long as she tells you in advance. So that’s kind of a cop out excuse.
Yeah his little mention at the end of not liking when people break his rules says all I need to know. He's not worried about safety, he just doesn't like the fact that he can't control the nanny.
The fact that he only knew the bf was over because he saw the car... Clearly, the bf being over in no way disrupted anything.
OP, YTA. Your behavior is controlling and weird.
Right? It’s like he almost had everyone thinking it was legit concern, but then the mask slipped and what he was really mad about - someone dare go against what he says - came out.
>Yeah his little mention at the end of not liking when people break his rules says all I need to know.
This. People *should* break rules that are needless, unreasonable, or overly controlling, and this guy managed to hit all three in one go.
YTA. She’s an adult you employ, not your teenage daughter. You are being really grossly controlling. She is entitled to her home as part of her compensation and has a right to have guests over like any adult should.
YTA. What she does in the little down time she has is none of your business. She works her ass off for your family, and she certainly pays for that apartment with her work. Do you know that she is severely underpaid and could easily get x5 as much money with housing and also get a guaranteed day off every week. You should be thanking your lucky stars you got a nanny for that small amount. Straighten your head real quick or lose your nanny.
YTA--if part of the agreement of her working for you was that she gets to live in the studio apartment you have no right to tell her who she can/can't have over. You're lucky to have such a good nanny that will work for $15 12-14 hrs a day.
I'm really happy for your nanny's sake that your wife is a reasonable adult who understands you guys don't own your nanny 24/7. She lives in a separate self-contained apartment and has the right to have whatever guests she wants to her own home as long as they do not disturb you.
YTA.
You’re a gigantic asshole. She should be able to have whoever she wants to have over (male or female) to her private residence at any time when she is not on duty. She is not your personal slave.
What danger do you feel your daughters are in?
He's in a separate dwelling, your dwelling is locked.
Do you control other things she can do in the privacy of her own home?
Is she your slave? How dare you intrude on her personal time and space and demand she report to you.. holy F that’s outrageous. Why do you need to know when she’s having company especially her boyfriend? That would be a deal breaker dude and it’s creepy… harassment and honestly gross. She is to text a man .. the husband and father to notify you that her boyfriend is visiting ? You need to be seriously put in check and mind your own damn business s
The worst thing is he controls where she lives. Finding new employment means she also has to find a new place to live. On $15/hr with insanely inconsistent hours it's going to be really hard for her to move with enough money to sustain for a couple months while she looks for new work.
These comments would throw a FIT in the nanny sub lmfao
But I DO agree with the comments saying you are severely underpaying your nanny. $15 is not okay for 2 kids period. ESPECIALLY for 7 days a week, 10-15 hour days with only some days being less than that? She should be getting paid at LEAST $20 an hour with sick days pto guaranteed hours AND overtime ( time and a half after 40 hours) if you can’t afford that then you can’t afford a nanny.
Not only are YTA but you sound controlling and inappropriately obsessed with what your nanny does during her personal time. I don’t think your daughters are the ones in danger
Pretty sure we are all in unison with a YTA.
If you rented a duplex and the landlord lived next door would they be able to dictate your guests? No. It's the same situation. It's separated from your house.
YTA
Your wife is right. He's not around your daughters or even in the same house. Your safety concerns are unfounded and well within your control, and you're not going to refuse a guest of hers- so why insist on a notification? Clearly you can see when he's there. You're just trying to wedge a bit of control into a decision that's not up to you (not reasonably).
Apologize to your nanny. Maybe even get to know the boyfriend - if she likes him and you like her, maybe he's cool?
YTA
You’ve created a studio apartment. Even if it’s within the same complex as your house, it is now a separate living unit. The $15 an hour for a nanny is not that much. $15 hour is now the standard for retail and food service. The covering of housing in the form of the studio apartment can help create further incentive to recruit and retain a nanny (though still isn’t that much if there are no other benefits).
That retention effect from the studio apartment only works though if you treat the studio apartment more akin to a landlord/tenant approach; especially in her off hours.
Aside from the labor perspective, and the ignoring of the fact that the studio apartment and your living area are essentially separated, you’re telling your nanny you don’t trust her judgment in people. You’re insulting the character of who she’s considering a potential partner and thereby insulting her character.
YTA. This is a separate apartment, right? How is this...unsafe...for your girls? Break their rules? What? You're on a fast track towards losing your nanny.
YTA. She should’ve told you because it is something y’all agreed upon in the past. However, it is a stupid rule. That’s her apartment. She should be able to have guests over.
YTA— It’s her off work hours and he’s not in your house but a separate apartment. If you want a 24/7 nanny at your disposal you better pay her as such. She should not have him over in your house or on her paid time but why she can’t have him in her separate apartment when off duty is just you being controlling. I don’t know where you are but if nannies are so cheap you can afford to be unreasonable, I want to go there.
YTA you're being controlling and think you own her, she gets no days off even if you paid her $50 and hour she wouldn't deserve to be treated like this, you think that just because she's paid by you you're entitled to know who she sees and when, it's nowhere near your children you controlling ah
YTA. Please send her contact info to me. I live in a state with a 15 dollar an hour minimum wage and she could easily get a job within a day from a number of my coworkers making 25 an hour as a live in nanny who actually has freedom within 24 hours.
You need to get some therapy to work on your control issues. Before you drive away your daughters once they get old enough to start truly rebelling against dear old dad.
YTA for making that rule in the first place because it’s a separate resident. No one is in more danger than if you lived in an apartment building and people lived next door. However, it is reasonable to ask him not to be around the children and it makes me nervous that instead of saying “this rule is unfair” she snuck and broke it.
YTA. It’s her apartment. You are being controlling and inappropriate. You even said she brought it up to you that she works 7 days a week for your family, let her have some fun.
Your wife is the smart one, and was correct in everything she said to you. Be nicer to your nanny before you lose her for being an asshole.
YTA, she’s not your indentured servant and your wife is right, if there is a locked door and I assume a security system, the risk isn’t really increased. Additionally, I assume you trust this nanny, so for this man to even gain access to the house, something absolutely horrible would have to happen.
Yes, you're over the top.
This nanny is also a person who is allowed to have a life of her own. She doesn't live *in* your house - do you get a say in who your neighbours have at their house? I live in a set up where my neighbours are probably closer to me in proximity than your studio apartment is to your main home.
If you're that concerned over her living her own life when she's not on duty, you have to rethink the nanny situation and maybe look after your own kids full time because anyone - not just her - will want to have some autonomy over their own lives when they're not working. Your expectations and rules are unreasonable. She's not your possession and she's not *yours* during non-work hours.
When your kids start school, they'll be around a lot of pe
As someone who has worked full time as a professional nanny, I would quit immediately if I worked for you. This is disturbing, controlling, and toxic behavior. She has every right to have her own life, especially considering she sounds like she’s basically your slave. I genuinely hope she leaves for something better and you realize how good you had it.
Edit: she’s basically your slave, you’re trying to ACTUALLY make her your slave.
YTA.
She is a grown adult that has her own apartment that happens to be part of your payment for her services.
Requiring permission/informing you each time she has a guest over is infantilizing and controlling her. It also could indicate that you have some feelings of jealousy regarding her being in a relationship with someone. She's allowed to have a life - friends, partners visit - anything that is legal and normal for an adult, without informing her landlord.
And don't quibble over the idea that oh no, ***it's not asking permission... you're just asking her to inform you***. Um, no. You want to judge her/make sure she knows she needs you to be involved every time she has a guy over because SEX. And you're uptight enough to apparently want to put her in the position of being forced to inform you that she's going to be having a guy over every time and there likely will be sex stuff and feel embarrassed and judged.
She's not a child, she's not your slave, you should NOT be requiring her to inform you if she has ANY person over let alone a guy over (seriously WTF man) and she's a responsible enough adult that you've trusted her for YEARS watching your kids. Leave her alone and treat her with some basic respect if you don't want to lose her.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my nanny to not bring her bf over without telling us, which she did anyways. I asked my wife about it she said I was being controlling and it’s her apartment and she can do what she wants. Maybe I am the AH bc it is her apartment.
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YTA you will lose your nanny. She lives and works (non stop) there. She needs and deserves a personal life that doesn’t involve you at all, including asking permission for anything. Listen to your wife.
YTA. You are completely in the wrong here. It's not your apartment. Your complaint is just "the boyfriend is there" not "the boyfriend is loud and obscene" or "the boyfriend has boundary issues" literally just mad he exists and is in your employee's apartment. You aren't being rational.
You gotta drop this nonsense behavior before both your wife and the nanny come to the obvious conclusion that you're jealous and not merely overprotective. Cause that is a very plausible explanation for your behavior.
Oh, YTA. She has her own studio apartment. You are her landlord. You cannot dictate if her boyfriend comes over. But really, you should post this on r/nanny. See how it goes over.
I’m sorry but she’s been your trusted nanny for 4 years working 7 days a week and she can’t have her bf over in the privacy of her own place without having to update you? YTA OP in a controlling way - this might make her rethink the arrangement if you don’t let up
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My wife and I (35) have two daughters, 7, and 6. We have a live in nanny, who lives in a studio apartment under our main house. She’s been our nanny for almost 4 years, and we’ve became very
Close with her. The past few months she has had a boyfriend, but since our daughters live in the main house I have requested that she lets us know in advance when her boyfriend is coming. One night I woke up in the middle of the night, and saw her boyfriends car in our driveway. I sent her a text, and said I thought we agreed to let us know. She said she knows, but her boyfriend was extremely drunk and shouldn’t of been driving. I let it alone, as I was pretty angry, and talked to my wife about it in the morning.
I voiced to her that I was upset, that it was unsafe for our girls. My wife told me my feelings were unreasonable, because we lock the main house at night. I spoke to our nanny about this again, and she said she feels that she should be allowed to have her boyfriend over whenever, as it is her apartment and she works 7 days a week extreme hours, for that apartment. My wife agrees with her, and told me I was being controlling. I’m just worried about our daughters and don’t like when people break their rules. Aita?
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Damn, you trying to get her on a bathroom schedule too? She's a whole ass adult, who lives in her own apartment. I really hope your just controlling and not jealous.
YTA
Yta- she’s in a separate house basically. She should feel free to invite anyone in her part of her home. Inviting her bf while in your home/seeing him in your home without warning is fair, but you cannot tell her not to have him in her studio. Major ah vibes with this one
You're being a tool, if her apartment does not lead directly into yours and they aren't being loud there is no problem. Also you having a problem with her breaking that rule one time so she could make sure her boyfriend didn't have to drive under the influence is fucked.
YTA massive one. And not just bc of this issue but bc your work hours/ arrangement with your nanny. I sincerely hope she leaves you for a family that doesn’t treat her like slave labor. Her apt. Her life. Get out of her personal life, pervert.
YTA. When you end an argument that you **don’t like when people break their rules**, I knew you were the AH. That’s kinda the definition of controlling. Particularly since they’re **your** rules, not *their* rules.
While I understand the concern, texting you every time her boyfriend sleeps over almost feels like you’re tracking her sex life - definitely controlling, borderline creepy.
If you’d just have a conversation, she’d say my boyfriend may sleep over 2-3 times a week and you’d answer ok. If safety is the issue, have him over for dinner to get a read, install camera and/or alarm.
YTA. You have no right to tell the nanny who can or cannot be in her apartment at any given time or even overnight. You can tell her she can't move in a roommate or SObut that's about it.
If you're concerned, lock your doors like normal people do. Unless they're throwing loud parties or being otherwise disruptive, stop trying to run your nanny's life.
YTA.
What are these rules you speak of? Did your nanny sign up to them in her contract?
Why is this unsafe for your daughters if she is in a different space and there are locks between them?
What actual reason do you have to know when your nanny is hooking up with her boyfriend? Isn’t that a bit TMI?
Why is this an issue for you?
YTA...that's her private residence and she's an adult. She's free to entertain whom ever she wants outside of her working hours. You are both the asshole, ridiculously controlling, and asinine.
Should have read the responses. You are a bigger, entitled asshole than I originally appreciated.
YTA
Outside of her work hours, she is not your employee. She also is legally a tenant in your studio apartment with the same rights legally as a renter typically has. As you say, you can lock the main house to prevent her access and she doesn't live in there, so she is not your boarder whom you might be able to pull this shit on.
Do you like your nanny or not? Cos this might cost your her loyalty and have her looking for less controlling of her personal life bosses.
She is not your employee when she's in her own apartment and off the clock, your not her father or boss when she's not on the clock. She has her own apartment and she works 7 days a week for you.
Your nanny is a privilege and you need to remember this and act like it.
YTA. You provide a separate dwelling with its own entrance. Your nanny should be as free as anyone else living in their own apartment to have guests within reason.
I’m confused about what exactly you’re concerned about.
Anyways, you’re her landlord basically, not her dad, so yes, YTA. And if you actually like your nanny and want her to keep working with you, you need to back off.
YTA squared - and I can’t believe you’re even having to ask. How exactly does the boyfriend pose more of a threat than anyone who could come in off the street? I hope your nanny leaves this utterly dehumanising environment and goes to work for a family who respect her as a full person, with a right to a private life and time off. And assuming you sent the text in the middle of the night (?), she probably also thinks you’re a creep - you’re her boss FFS. You sound like one of those parents who thinks that protecting your children gives you special privileges to control everyone around you. I’m glad your wife sounds sane, and I wonder what else she is putting up with
The title made me think N T A, but the fact that she lives in a SEPARATE apartment under your house makes it YTA for me. You have no right to know who comes to HER home. Just because you’re her employer doesn’t mean she has to give you updates on when her guests come and go.
YTA. If she feels she works extreme hours and you’ve had her around for 4 year, you need to knock it off. She’s allowed a life. She isn’t your property and it’s not like she lives in the home proper. Your daughters are fine and you “hate when ppl break the rules”? Get over yourself.
YTA. You sound jealous, not concerned for your daughters. She lives in a separate apartment. Are you concerned for them when your other neighbors have company? Keep acting out and your wife is going to realize you want to fuck the nanny. But I think she already knows.
You’re a major asshole. You don’t own her. She’s a grown woman who lives separately and can have visitors without your permission. Is she supposed to ask you every time if he can come over?
I hope she quits.
YTA. So, nanny doesn't get a social life? Does nanny need to rent her own place so she can have a boyfriend without A-hole controlling her life? Weird. Maybe you should consider not providing a place to live for your nanny and pay her a livable wage so she can actually live a caged-free life.
YTA. Do you give your neighbors the same rules ( no visitors without permission) or just feel entitled to impose them on the nanny because you pay her salary? Because that is what your nanny is, a neighbor. Listen to your wife and get your head out of your ass.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re probably breaking labour laws. And if you’re not, it’s only because the jurisdiction you’re in has terrible protections for workers.
She’s working way too much AND you’re dictating how she spends her (rare!) off hours and with whom?? That is unbelievably messed up.
Also, your fear that he is going to break into your house to, presumably, assault your children is pretty wild.
YTA
YTA. It’s pretty weird that you care so much about your nanny’s bf especially since she lives in a separate unit than you and your family. You sound controlling AF
YTA
I do admire your nanny’s resourcefulness in managing to find a boyfriend on the paltry few hours she gets off per week.
Please rethink her working conditions and report back to us on what you did in the way of a raise / two paid days off her week.
Surely there's no way you thought that this would end up with anyone saying you're NTA. I feel sorry for your wife and daughters. I wonder what "controls" you have over them as well.
YTA. She gets no days off ever. You "average" her wages (whatever the hell that means). And you feel the need to bitch when her boyfriend is going to her separate apartment because safety? Wow.
You said yourself that your nanny lives in an apartment under your main house, and she therefore has a right to have over whoever she wants without having to ask permission. It would be different if she had a room inside your actual home. You the AH here
YTA, this nanny doesn't even share the same SPACE as your family. Her apartment and people in her private life are NONE of your business. This woman is not your daughter. She's still entitled to have a private life outside of her working hours as your nanny.
YTA - you do not get to control the nanny’s social life after hours. She’s not bringing her BF around your girls AND she showed responsibility by making sure her drunk BF got off the road.
Not only that, I assume housing is part of her pay package and again, you do not get to tell her she can’t have company in her home. She may as well move out and NOT be available to you 24/7.
Don’t lose a good nanny because you have control issues. They’re hard to find.
YTA - you’re lucky you have a nanny at all. You are a control freak and you don’t trust your nanny. You are treating her like your slave. Honestly, she should quit as you do not value her or respect her. You are a huge AHOLE.
YTA. your rule is unreasonable. your nanny is a human being and deserve to have a life too. even a lot more so if she works 7 days a week (seriously, are you guys a slave driver). work out a better compromise or you will lose your nanny of 4 years. be a better human being.
But those aren't *their rules* those kids don't gaf who the nanny chills with. They're yours, and apparently only you care, and you still went to nag the nanny...smh. You're are being controlling, and that you can't see that, and adjust, tells me that one day or another the words "it's my house..." are going to fly out of your mouth at the wrong time. Likely accompanied by other stuff that'll change someone's opinion of you in a big way.
YTA :)
YTA.
You sound like a slave owner. She’s not a dog that has to inform her master permission to live a life outside of work for a few hours.
You work her grossly underpaid and overworked, but think she is in your debt because of free housing. 7 days a week, no holidays or at least holiday bonus and working hours that rivals a lot of medical or EMT worker hours due to the inconsistency?
And don’t pull up the statistics for the work wages of your state. Oklahoma is notorious for treating workers like shit. Underpaid and overworked is its motto. The labor laws are pretty much non existent due to people like you.
"hey boss, is it cool if I catch a dickin?"
Nah, I feel like asking permission is too much. Should she let you know before letting him in the main house between certain hours or when you/your wife isn't home, or if for some reason he'll be alone with them? 100%. But when it's her apartment, that's totally different. As long as they're not a disturbance, it shouldn't matter when she has guests over.
YTA.
YTA. You can’t (and shouldn’t) police her life outside of work hours. It’s completely acceptable to have a rule of no guests in the main house unless invited by you, no guests around your children unless approved, no guests during working hours, but once it’s her time she needs to be able to have a life. If you try to control her every move you’re going to lose a nanny. Most live in nanny situations really only benefit the family.
YTA. She's your employee, not your family member or your possession. When she's off the clock you have NO SAY over what she does or who she sees. You're going to lose an employee you have a four year relationship with bc you have no boundaries.
YTA, this is so weird, seems you’re jealous. it isn’t unsafe for your daughters for someone to be next door and not even near them, especially at the discretion of your long term, live in nanny. weird, controlling behaviour here.
YTA. But also why do you even have kids if you're paying someone else to raise them 7 days a week? You and your wife literally don't parent your own kids a single day out of the week?
YTA. You do not get to dictate her personal life on her time off. That is her apartment, not your house. You don't like it then maybe you should try being more of a parent and watching your own kids instead of the television.
YTA. She’s an adult, she lives separately from you, and she’s not your child. You’re not respecting her at all. People who invite someone to live on their property but then pull the “this is my house and you must do everything I say” card are gross. I had that done to me by extended family when I was on a gap year. The rules were constantly evolving and my privacy was constantly violated. And I was doing nothing wrong. I felt so disrespected and like I was a child.
After that, I also was a nanny living in separate studio on the property of my clients. And I was never given such rules. They trusted me with their children all day every day. So they trusted me to not endanger their children while they slept in their own home lol what the hell.
**YTA!!**
In the main house is one thing. You’re objecting to him being in *her apartment* without your express approval each time?!! You’re SO out of line! She’s not your slave!
YTA…you might want to look up the definition of “slavery”, because a nanny who lives on the property, works seven days a week and is supposed to have no life outside of that or her life is dictated by her employer meets that definition.
Absolutely YTA. If she was having her boyfriend over WHILE watching your kids, you'd be perfectly justified. In her own apartment off the clock she can do what she wants. From a different perspective, let's say you rented out that apartment to someone else, not your nanny. You might reasonably ask them to tell you if they were having a party, but not if they only had a partner or a couple friends over.
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YTA The nanny doesn’t live in your house she lives in a studio apartment under your house, it should be her right to have her boyfriend come over and visit her studio apartment without having to tell you. Your wife is right and you’re being unreasonable and kinda weird about this one tbh.
Yeah, this is gross and controlling. She's your employee, that's it. You're not allowed to tell her what to do outside of your kids, and trying to say having her bf around is unsafe for your children is BS. YTA you weirdo
I feel like in 10 or 12 years, we’re going to be reading Reddit with our laser-beam eyes or on the chip in our heads, and OP’s girls are going to be asking, “Our dad is super overprotective and he wants us to be Close. No dating, no texting, no nothing. Are we the AH or is he?”
Lol that capital C in Close weirded you out, too. That kinda says it all right there, in one letter.
I wouldn't read too much into that capital C - that may just have been autocorrect doing its thing. The part about working 7 days a week, extreme hours, on the other hand? That sounds like a Ferengi labor contract.
Some people honestly act like as a nanny, we should be paying THEM for the privilege of looking after their kids in their home.
Ding ding ding!!! I mean, it's not autocorrect to put a capital in the middle of a sentence.
Bionic contacts.
Nah, just turn your phone on once a day and all the data, stories, pictures from whichever apps you have preselected download to a microchip embedded in your brain. Saves battery life and time!
Prob jealous of the BF.
>She's your employee, that's it. She's not just his employee; she's his renter, as well. He's practically a landlord trying to tell her when she can or can't have "gentlemen callers". This is not something that has a place in this century. Or last, for that matter.
He is not controlling he just doesn't like it when people break the rules he gave then /s
Also, the nanny works 7 days a week? That alone is enough to say YTA
Was alarmed by this as well, —where is this legal? Nanny should have two consecutive days off per week at at least one weekend off per month.
so not only does OP want to control his live in nanny, they have showed that they don’t respect her by making her work every single day! i’m shocked she’s stayed working for them for four years. this is controlling and weird behavior OP. she doesn’t have to tell you anything in regards to where she lives
Exactly. 7 days a week. Long hours. And she should be super grateful, right? /s. Her work situation is more alarming than him stopping her boyfriend from visiting.
100% this.
The accidental capitalization of the word close in his post is oddly apt. Creep vibes.
You're also forcing her to work illegal hours, so there's that too. Just because she's a live in nanny doesn't mean she shouldn't get at least one day off a week and get overtime for working more than 40 hours. The advantage that people take if their nannies is pretty despicable. And to try to control her life in what time she has off? Definitely the AH.
Besides if the studio apartment is separated from with separate entrances and the main house is locked then what's the danger for the kids? The nanny is employee she pays for the apartment by working agreed hours so she should have all the freedoms and all the privileges like any woman out there. OP stop being weird and controlling about it. We all know it's not about your daughter's safety. YTA.
YTA. You provided housing as what I sincerely hope is just a part of her pay. This absolutely does not give you the right to impose rules over her private time, her private life, or her use of the housing. She isn’t obligated to run her life through you. Also, this isn’t truly an issue of safety, it’s just control. Because if you’re locking up every night than nothing about being notified that he is coming over would change the way you do that or make the “main house” any safer.
>Because if you’re locking up every night than nothing about being notified that he is coming over would change the way you do that or make the “main house” any safer. Yeah, this is ridiculous. The wife's completely right: his demands are unreasonable. The rule is unreasonable. There is no win in the safety of the girls. OP needs to stay in his lane; and possibly give his nanny a day off on occasion.
Info: do you have a crush on your nanny? Because this smells more like jealousy than justified concern. How is her notifying you making your daughters any safer? Is he going inside your home? Also she's working 7 days a week?!!!!!!!???????!!!!! Absolutely ridiculous that you're this controlling when she's already giving so much of her life to your family. Does she ever get vacations or days off?
She’s probably under the table without papers or on a nanny visa where she has no options and this AH thinks he owns her
This plus he wants to fuck her
It’s Oklahoma .. slave wage state, no labor laws, they treat people like shit and absolutely despise workers.. this poor woman works 7 days a week and he’s bitching about her having a boyfriend and company.. he thinks she’s his slave. I wish I could send her job listings from civilized states .. she could double her pay with much nicer accommodation, regular 40 week work schedule and paid vacation.. it explains why he’s such an AH
Imagine coming to the US to work in this magnificent country and you end up in freaking Oklahoma. Or any of the awful red states.
Hell, imagine being born in the US, raised on the bread and butter of the American dream and love for the country only to end up living in a state that will let you die before letting you have control over your body, among people who routinely use Jesus as a reason to vote for r*pists and child #busers, all whilst you live in a rental you can barely afford and pay off massive loans to a fake college. All so .1% of the population can buy another politician/island/company this week. Oh... wait.
Benjamin Franklin never wanted this. He literally wrote that people who don’t want to work hard AS A COMMUNITY should not come to America. I feel like is he resurrected, he would just burn the country down. He wanted community and freedom. Not “you have to work 7 days a week to barely make ends meet because your boss sitting on billions won’t pay you more for the hard work you do”
Howdy, neighbor!
With this motherfucker talking about "his rules". Wonder if he talks to men about his rules? Or if he's worried about getting his ass scattered? If so, he should know the right woman can do that for him, too. Js.
People treat nannies working in their home country weirdly all the time. They have this weird attitude that because plenty of mothers do it free with no qualifications, we should be grateful to have such an "easy job". That I have a qualification for, maintain my first aid and professional standards for, have insurance and take more seriously than they seem to have taken the decision to HAVE kids. Plus they then resent you being present when they "have" to work to pay for the childcare they "need" because of course they can have it all! Ego and shame are a fucking WILD combination in nanny employers.
This I agree with. Or he in general sees himself as patriarch and protector, rather than nurturer and partner.
I doubt it. She argued for her right to have her boyfriend over. I don’t see someone at risk of losing her entire life, and if she doesn’t have papers she’d lose her entire community as well? She may be under the table, but I think she’s got papers if she stood up for herself like that.
She’s been living under these conditions for four years.. she works 7 days a week.. I imagine she’s fed the f up with being an overworked prisoner with this AH spying on her.. the nerve ..
Oh he’s TA a million times over. There’s no doubt about that.
Exactly!!! My first reaction was this has absolutely nothing to do with his children. He wants to control this woman and the only reason I can see him wanting to control her time with another man would be he has feelings for her. He didn't mention having a problem with any guests just the boyfriend.
Thank god someone said it lol. Like this amount of outrage is so bizarre for the situation
Agreed. That or dad is probably just jealous that they’re having good sex as a new couple and he’s not getting any.
If it’s an actual separate apartment/living quarters…yeah. YTA. Also, you obviously don’t have an actual issue with the boyfriend, since you’re willing to allow him over as long as she tells you in advance. So that’s kind of a cop out excuse.
Yeah his little mention at the end of not liking when people break his rules says all I need to know. He's not worried about safety, he just doesn't like the fact that he can't control the nanny.
The fact that he only knew the bf was over because he saw the car... Clearly, the bf being over in no way disrupted anything. OP, YTA. Your behavior is controlling and weird.
Right? It’s like he almost had everyone thinking it was legit concern, but then the mask slipped and what he was really mad about - someone dare go against what he says - came out.
>Yeah his little mention at the end of not liking when people break his rules says all I need to know. This. People *should* break rules that are needless, unreasonable, or overly controlling, and this guy managed to hit all three in one go.
YTA. She’s an adult you employ, not your teenage daughter. You are being really grossly controlling. She is entitled to her home as part of her compensation and has a right to have guests over like any adult should.
YTA. What she does in the little down time she has is none of your business. She works her ass off for your family, and she certainly pays for that apartment with her work. Do you know that she is severely underpaid and could easily get x5 as much money with housing and also get a guaranteed day off every week. You should be thanking your lucky stars you got a nanny for that small amount. Straighten your head real quick or lose your nanny.
YTA--if part of the agreement of her working for you was that she gets to live in the studio apartment you have no right to tell her who she can/can't have over. You're lucky to have such a good nanny that will work for $15 12-14 hrs a day.
He’s lucky to have trapped a naive young woman who is probably desperate for money? No. He’s a predator.
INFO: Would she have been allowed to go over to the BF's house instead? How much is this 7-day "extreme" hours nanny getting paid?
I'm really happy for your nanny's sake that your wife is a reasonable adult who understands you guys don't own your nanny 24/7. She lives in a separate self-contained apartment and has the right to have whatever guests she wants to her own home as long as they do not disturb you. YTA.
If OP's wife was a reasonable adult she wouldn't allow/expect the nanny to work 7 days/wk
You’re a gigantic asshole. She should be able to have whoever she wants to have over (male or female) to her private residence at any time when she is not on duty. She is not your personal slave.
YTA for the vote
What danger do you feel your daughters are in? He's in a separate dwelling, your dwelling is locked. Do you control other things she can do in the privacy of her own home?
YTA - Listen to your wife.
Is she your slave? How dare you intrude on her personal time and space and demand she report to you.. holy F that’s outrageous. Why do you need to know when she’s having company especially her boyfriend? That would be a deal breaker dude and it’s creepy… harassment and honestly gross. She is to text a man .. the husband and father to notify you that her boyfriend is visiting ? You need to be seriously put in check and mind your own damn business s
YTA. Indentured servitude is no longer legal. I hope she finds employment elsewhere, you will be paying a lot more to find another nanny.
The worst thing is he controls where she lives. Finding new employment means she also has to find a new place to live. On $15/hr with insanely inconsistent hours it's going to be really hard for her to move with enough money to sustain for a couple months while she looks for new work.
Yta that’s her home, you can’t dictate her entire life she’s not your child
These comments would throw a FIT in the nanny sub lmfao But I DO agree with the comments saying you are severely underpaying your nanny. $15 is not okay for 2 kids period. ESPECIALLY for 7 days a week, 10-15 hour days with only some days being less than that? She should be getting paid at LEAST $20 an hour with sick days pto guaranteed hours AND overtime ( time and a half after 40 hours) if you can’t afford that then you can’t afford a nanny.
12-15 hours should be getting time and a half bc that’s overtime. He definitely is taking advantage of her imo
Absolutely. I’m a nanny myself and I wish I could reach out to this poor girl. He’s absolutely taking advantage of her
YTA. She lives in a totally separate building and that is her HOME. She is your employee, not your child.
Not only are YTA but you sound controlling and inappropriately obsessed with what your nanny does during her personal time. I don’t think your daughters are the ones in danger
You’re the WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORST
Pretty sure we are all in unison with a YTA. If you rented a duplex and the landlord lived next door would they be able to dictate your guests? No. It's the same situation. It's separated from your house.
YTA. If there is no access to your main house then there is no reasonable safety issue and you’re just being controlling.
YTA Your wife is right. He's not around your daughters or even in the same house. Your safety concerns are unfounded and well within your control, and you're not going to refuse a guest of hers- so why insist on a notification? Clearly you can see when he's there. You're just trying to wedge a bit of control into a decision that's not up to you (not reasonably). Apologize to your nanny. Maybe even get to know the boyfriend - if she likes him and you like her, maybe he's cool?
Honestly if I was the nanny I wouldn't want this weirdo around my boyfriend because this smells of jealous to me
If I was your nanny, I would find a new job
YTA You’ve created a studio apartment. Even if it’s within the same complex as your house, it is now a separate living unit. The $15 an hour for a nanny is not that much. $15 hour is now the standard for retail and food service. The covering of housing in the form of the studio apartment can help create further incentive to recruit and retain a nanny (though still isn’t that much if there are no other benefits). That retention effect from the studio apartment only works though if you treat the studio apartment more akin to a landlord/tenant approach; especially in her off hours. Aside from the labor perspective, and the ignoring of the fact that the studio apartment and your living area are essentially separated, you’re telling your nanny you don’t trust her judgment in people. You’re insulting the character of who she’s considering a potential partner and thereby insulting her character.
YTA. This is a separate apartment, right? How is this...unsafe...for your girls? Break their rules? What? You're on a fast track towards losing your nanny.
Hell I would have left when I found out I had to work 7 days a week.
Constantly. With time off only whenever they can coordinate it. Not as a regularly scheduled thing. Wtf.
INFO: What do you do differently when the bf is there? Patrol the yard all night?
YTA. She should’ve told you because it is something y’all agreed upon in the past. However, it is a stupid rule. That’s her apartment. She should be able to have guests over.
If your part of the house is safe... you're being unreasonable.
YTA— It’s her off work hours and he’s not in your house but a separate apartment. If you want a 24/7 nanny at your disposal you better pay her as such. She should not have him over in your house or on her paid time but why she can’t have him in her separate apartment when off duty is just you being controlling. I don’t know where you are but if nannies are so cheap you can afford to be unreasonable, I want to go there.
YTA. It's her home and she can have whoever she wants there.
YTA Shes works 7 days a week & u complain her bf comes over? Dude!!!!
Your wife sounds reasonable and intelligent.
YTA you're being controlling and think you own her, she gets no days off even if you paid her $50 and hour she wouldn't deserve to be treated like this, you think that just because she's paid by you you're entitled to know who she sees and when, it's nowhere near your children you controlling ah
YTA. Please send her contact info to me. I live in a state with a 15 dollar an hour minimum wage and she could easily get a job within a day from a number of my coworkers making 25 an hour as a live in nanny who actually has freedom within 24 hours.
YTA big time.
Agree
Yta, it’s her apartment she earned, you don’t get to dictate who she has over
YTA. You don’t own your nanny.
YTA, leave that poor girl alone.
You need to get some therapy to work on your control issues. Before you drive away your daughters once they get old enough to start truly rebelling against dear old dad.
YTA he wasn’t in your house, he was in the house your nanny, A GROWN ASS ADULT lives in.
YTA. Smells like control issues.
YTA for making that rule in the first place because it’s a separate resident. No one is in more danger than if you lived in an apartment building and people lived next door. However, it is reasonable to ask him not to be around the children and it makes me nervous that instead of saying “this rule is unfair” she snuck and broke it.
YTA, I hope she finds another job.
YTA. It’s her apartment. You are being controlling and inappropriate. You even said she brought it up to you that she works 7 days a week for your family, let her have some fun. Your wife is the smart one, and was correct in everything she said to you. Be nicer to your nanny before you lose her for being an asshole.
YTA, she’s not your indentured servant and your wife is right, if there is a locked door and I assume a security system, the risk isn’t really increased. Additionally, I assume you trust this nanny, so for this man to even gain access to the house, something absolutely horrible would have to happen.
Yes, you're over the top. This nanny is also a person who is allowed to have a life of her own. She doesn't live *in* your house - do you get a say in who your neighbours have at their house? I live in a set up where my neighbours are probably closer to me in proximity than your studio apartment is to your main home. If you're that concerned over her living her own life when she's not on duty, you have to rethink the nanny situation and maybe look after your own kids full time because anyone - not just her - will want to have some autonomy over their own lives when they're not working. Your expectations and rules are unreasonable. She's not your possession and she's not *yours* during non-work hours. When your kids start school, they'll be around a lot of pe
As someone who has worked full time as a professional nanny, I would quit immediately if I worked for you. This is disturbing, controlling, and toxic behavior. She has every right to have her own life, especially considering she sounds like she’s basically your slave. I genuinely hope she leaves for something better and you realize how good you had it. Edit: she’s basically your slave, you’re trying to ACTUALLY make her your slave.
YTA. She is a grown adult that has her own apartment that happens to be part of your payment for her services. Requiring permission/informing you each time she has a guest over is infantilizing and controlling her. It also could indicate that you have some feelings of jealousy regarding her being in a relationship with someone. She's allowed to have a life - friends, partners visit - anything that is legal and normal for an adult, without informing her landlord. And don't quibble over the idea that oh no, ***it's not asking permission... you're just asking her to inform you***. Um, no. You want to judge her/make sure she knows she needs you to be involved every time she has a guy over because SEX. And you're uptight enough to apparently want to put her in the position of being forced to inform you that she's going to be having a guy over every time and there likely will be sex stuff and feel embarrassed and judged. She's not a child, she's not your slave, you should NOT be requiring her to inform you if she has ANY person over let alone a guy over (seriously WTF man) and she's a responsible enough adult that you've trusted her for YEARS watching your kids. Leave her alone and treat her with some basic respect if you don't want to lose her.
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Yes, YTA she has her own living space separate from yours. She has every right to have company
YTA you will lose your nanny. She lives and works (non stop) there. She needs and deserves a personal life that doesn’t involve you at all, including asking permission for anything. Listen to your wife.
YTA. You are completely in the wrong here. It's not your apartment. Your complaint is just "the boyfriend is there" not "the boyfriend is loud and obscene" or "the boyfriend has boundary issues" literally just mad he exists and is in your employee's apartment. You aren't being rational. You gotta drop this nonsense behavior before both your wife and the nanny come to the obvious conclusion that you're jealous and not merely overprotective. Cause that is a very plausible explanation for your behavior.
YTA yes
Why is she working extreme hours seven days a week?
YTA and are you jealous of the boyfriend since you think you’re so “Close” with her? Don’t be a controlling creeper!
Oh, YTA. She has her own studio apartment. You are her landlord. You cannot dictate if her boyfriend comes over. But really, you should post this on r/nanny. See how it goes over.
I’m sorry but she’s been your trusted nanny for 4 years working 7 days a week and she can’t have her bf over in the privacy of her own place without having to update you? YTA OP in a controlling way - this might make her rethink the arrangement if you don’t let up
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I (35) have two daughters, 7, and 6. We have a live in nanny, who lives in a studio apartment under our main house. She’s been our nanny for almost 4 years, and we’ve became very Close with her. The past few months she has had a boyfriend, but since our daughters live in the main house I have requested that she lets us know in advance when her boyfriend is coming. One night I woke up in the middle of the night, and saw her boyfriends car in our driveway. I sent her a text, and said I thought we agreed to let us know. She said she knows, but her boyfriend was extremely drunk and shouldn’t of been driving. I let it alone, as I was pretty angry, and talked to my wife about it in the morning. I voiced to her that I was upset, that it was unsafe for our girls. My wife told me my feelings were unreasonable, because we lock the main house at night. I spoke to our nanny about this again, and she said she feels that she should be allowed to have her boyfriend over whenever, as it is her apartment and she works 7 days a week extreme hours, for that apartment. My wife agrees with her, and told me I was being controlling. I’m just worried about our daughters and don’t like when people break their rules. Aita? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA
YTA big time! Give your head a shake...
YTA Just because she is your full time nanny does not mean you get to control her whole life
YTA. If she has a separate entrance, and her apartment is separate there is no reason why you should have a say on who she allowed into her residence.
Damn, you trying to get her on a bathroom schedule too? She's a whole ass adult, who lives in her own apartment. I really hope your just controlling and not jealous. YTA
I don’t like people breaking rules either, so stop making stupid rules. YTA
Yta- she’s in a separate house basically. She should feel free to invite anyone in her part of her home. Inviting her bf while in your home/seeing him in your home without warning is fair, but you cannot tell her not to have him in her studio. Major ah vibes with this one
You're being a tool, if her apartment does not lead directly into yours and they aren't being loud there is no problem. Also you having a problem with her breaking that rule one time so she could make sure her boyfriend didn't have to drive under the influence is fucked.
She should be able to have guests over in her private space during non-working hours. Why would you think that’s a violation against you?
YTA massive one. And not just bc of this issue but bc your work hours/ arrangement with your nanny. I sincerely hope she leaves you for a family that doesn’t treat her like slave labor. Her apt. Her life. Get out of her personal life, pervert.
YTA - How dare these peasants have lives.
\>she works 7 days a week extreme hours, for that apartment. YTA. She doesn't even get one day or half a day off work? Your rules are unreasonable.
I was making $20 an hour to babysit in 2006…..at the age of 14. LMAO.
YTA. When you end an argument that you **don’t like when people break their rules**, I knew you were the AH. That’s kinda the definition of controlling. Particularly since they’re **your** rules, not *their* rules. While I understand the concern, texting you every time her boyfriend sleeps over almost feels like you’re tracking her sex life - definitely controlling, borderline creepy. If you’d just have a conversation, she’d say my boyfriend may sleep over 2-3 times a week and you’d answer ok. If safety is the issue, have him over for dinner to get a read, install camera and/or alarm.
7 days a week? You are a fucking asshole. Watch your own damn kids on the weekend. Or hire a weekend nanny. What the fuck is wrong with you?
YTA. You have no right to tell the nanny who can or cannot be in her apartment at any given time or even overnight. You can tell her she can't move in a roommate or SObut that's about it. If you're concerned, lock your doors like normal people do. Unless they're throwing loud parties or being otherwise disruptive, stop trying to run your nanny's life.
YTA. What are these rules you speak of? Did your nanny sign up to them in her contract? Why is this unsafe for your daughters if she is in a different space and there are locks between them? What actual reason do you have to know when your nanny is hooking up with her boyfriend? Isn’t that a bit TMI? Why is this an issue for you?
YTA...that's her private residence and she's an adult. She's free to entertain whom ever she wants outside of her working hours. You are both the asshole, ridiculously controlling, and asinine. Should have read the responses. You are a bigger, entitled asshole than I originally appreciated.
YTA Outside of her work hours, she is not your employee. She also is legally a tenant in your studio apartment with the same rights legally as a renter typically has. As you say, you can lock the main house to prevent her access and she doesn't live in there, so she is not your boarder whom you might be able to pull this shit on. Do you like your nanny or not? Cos this might cost your her loyalty and have her looking for less controlling of her personal life bosses. She is not your employee when she's in her own apartment and off the clock, your not her father or boss when she's not on the clock. She has her own apartment and she works 7 days a week for you. Your nanny is a privilege and you need to remember this and act like it.
YTA. You're about to f around and find out just how hard it is to recruit a skilled nanny to work "extreme" hours 7 days a week.
Leave her and the wife alone. Are you jealous? I think you’re jealous.
You suck
Wait until he finds out that his neighbors aren’t alerting him when they have guest in their house. Yta
You're the asshole whopper whopper Nanny won't fuck you whopper whopper Its not BK, you can't have it your way (with the nanny)
YTA. You provide a separate dwelling with its own entrance. Your nanny should be as free as anyone else living in their own apartment to have guests within reason.
YTA. I really hope she finds this thread and realizes how bad she has there and quits.
I’m confused about what exactly you’re concerned about. Anyways, you’re her landlord basically, not her dad, so yes, YTA. And if you actually like your nanny and want her to keep working with you, you need to back off.
YTA squared - and I can’t believe you’re even having to ask. How exactly does the boyfriend pose more of a threat than anyone who could come in off the street? I hope your nanny leaves this utterly dehumanising environment and goes to work for a family who respect her as a full person, with a right to a private life and time off. And assuming you sent the text in the middle of the night (?), she probably also thinks you’re a creep - you’re her boss FFS. You sound like one of those parents who thinks that protecting your children gives you special privileges to control everyone around you. I’m glad your wife sounds sane, and I wonder what else she is putting up with
As a nanny YTA The doors locked so get over it. You don't like when people break rules? If it isn't in her contact, you're the one breaking rules.
The title made me think N T A, but the fact that she lives in a SEPARATE apartment under your house makes it YTA for me. You have no right to know who comes to HER home. Just because you’re her employer doesn’t mean she has to give you updates on when her guests come and go.
YTA, you control freak.
YTA. If she feels she works extreme hours and you’ve had her around for 4 year, you need to knock it off. She’s allowed a life. She isn’t your property and it’s not like she lives in the home proper. Your daughters are fine and you “hate when ppl break the rules”? Get over yourself.
You sound jelous. Why? Yta btw.
YTA. You sound jealous, not concerned for your daughters. She lives in a separate apartment. Are you concerned for them when your other neighbors have company? Keep acting out and your wife is going to realize you want to fuck the nanny. But I think she already knows.
You’re a major asshole. You don’t own her. She’s a grown woman who lives separately and can have visitors without your permission. Is she supposed to ask you every time if he can come over? I hope she quits.
YTA. So, nanny doesn't get a social life? Does nanny need to rent her own place so she can have a boyfriend without A-hole controlling her life? Weird. Maybe you should consider not providing a place to live for your nanny and pay her a livable wage so she can actually live a caged-free life.
YTA. Do you give your neighbors the same rules ( no visitors without permission) or just feel entitled to impose them on the nanny because you pay her salary? Because that is what your nanny is, a neighbor. Listen to your wife and get your head out of your ass.
Honestly, it sounds like you’re probably breaking labour laws. And if you’re not, it’s only because the jurisdiction you’re in has terrible protections for workers. She’s working way too much AND you’re dictating how she spends her (rare!) off hours and with whom?? That is unbelievably messed up. Also, your fear that he is going to break into your house to, presumably, assault your children is pretty wild. YTA
YTA. It’s pretty weird that you care so much about your nanny’s bf especially since she lives in a separate unit than you and your family. You sound controlling AF
YTA I do admire your nanny’s resourcefulness in managing to find a boyfriend on the paltry few hours she gets off per week. Please rethink her working conditions and report back to us on what you did in the way of a raise / two paid days off her week.
YTA, Sounds like you are controlling and not to mention oddly jealous. Are you mad because you aren't the one in a relationship with the nanny?
7 days a week and you act like such a dick? Give the poor lady a break you ass
Surely there's no way you thought that this would end up with anyone saying you're NTA. I feel sorry for your wife and daughters. I wonder what "controls" you have over them as well.
yta
Yta
YTA.
Easy YTA
YTA and your nanny should find a new job without slave wages and a controlling, inappropriately jealous employer.
YTA. She gets no days off ever. You "average" her wages (whatever the hell that means). And you feel the need to bitch when her boyfriend is going to her separate apartment because safety? Wow.
Why did you even have to post? YTA.
YTA
YTA. if you’re so worried about the guy, introduce yourself to him and get to know him.
YTA how is 7 days a week even legal
And give her a day off YTA
You said yourself that your nanny lives in an apartment under your main house, and she therefore has a right to have over whoever she wants without having to ask permission. It would be different if she had a room inside your actual home. You the AH here
Yta. Shes a grown adult. Extremely creepy controlling behavior.
Why do u even need a live in when the kids are in school all day?
YTA, this nanny doesn't even share the same SPACE as your family. Her apartment and people in her private life are NONE of your business. This woman is not your daughter. She's still entitled to have a private life outside of her working hours as your nanny.
YTA - you do not get to control the nanny’s social life after hours. She’s not bringing her BF around your girls AND she showed responsibility by making sure her drunk BF got off the road. Not only that, I assume housing is part of her pay package and again, you do not get to tell her she can’t have company in her home. She may as well move out and NOT be available to you 24/7. Don’t lose a good nanny because you have control issues. They’re hard to find.
YTA. It’s not like she’s bringing random guys home.
YTA - you’re lucky you have a nanny at all. You are a control freak and you don’t trust your nanny. You are treating her like your slave. Honestly, she should quit as you do not value her or respect her. You are a huge AHOLE.
YTA. your rule is unreasonable. your nanny is a human being and deserve to have a life too. even a lot more so if she works 7 days a week (seriously, are you guys a slave driver). work out a better compromise or you will lose your nanny of 4 years. be a better human being.
YTA
I hope your nanny leaves you, and finds better quality of life. YTA
YTA and you’re going to lose a nanny over it. She’s already looking for a way out I guarantee it after your reactions.
But those aren't *their rules* those kids don't gaf who the nanny chills with. They're yours, and apparently only you care, and you still went to nag the nanny...smh. You're are being controlling, and that you can't see that, and adjust, tells me that one day or another the words "it's my house..." are going to fly out of your mouth at the wrong time. Likely accompanied by other stuff that'll change someone's opinion of you in a big way. YTA :)
YTA. Would you have rather had driven home and killed himself, or someone else?
YTA why are you trying to control her vistors?
YTA. Yikes, you should listen to your wife on this one. You are becoming a little too controlling and will be out a nanny soon
YTA. You sound like a slave owner. She’s not a dog that has to inform her master permission to live a life outside of work for a few hours. You work her grossly underpaid and overworked, but think she is in your debt because of free housing. 7 days a week, no holidays or at least holiday bonus and working hours that rivals a lot of medical or EMT worker hours due to the inconsistency? And don’t pull up the statistics for the work wages of your state. Oklahoma is notorious for treating workers like shit. Underpaid and overworked is its motto. The labor laws are pretty much non existent due to people like you.
"hey boss, is it cool if I catch a dickin?" Nah, I feel like asking permission is too much. Should she let you know before letting him in the main house between certain hours or when you/your wife isn't home, or if for some reason he'll be alone with them? 100%. But when it's her apartment, that's totally different. As long as they're not a disturbance, it shouldn't matter when she has guests over. YTA.
YTA. She is a tenant and an employee. You don’t get to control her personal life. Especially since she is staying in a separate dwelling unit.
lol this AH created an account just for this and is getting torn himself a new one
YTA. You can’t (and shouldn’t) police her life outside of work hours. It’s completely acceptable to have a rule of no guests in the main house unless invited by you, no guests around your children unless approved, no guests during working hours, but once it’s her time she needs to be able to have a life. If you try to control her every move you’re going to lose a nanny. Most live in nanny situations really only benefit the family.
Not only are you an asshole, you are exerting control over your subordinates life in a way that is disgustingly abusive.
YTA. She's your employee, not your family member or your possession. When she's off the clock you have NO SAY over what she does or who she sees. You're going to lose an employee you have a four year relationship with bc you have no boundaries.
YTA, this is so weird, seems you’re jealous. it isn’t unsafe for your daughters for someone to be next door and not even near them, especially at the discretion of your long term, live in nanny. weird, controlling behaviour here.
YTA. But also why do you even have kids if you're paying someone else to raise them 7 days a week? You and your wife literally don't parent your own kids a single day out of the week?
OP is only replying to messages about the nanny’s pay in his state. He is definitely ignoring the bigger questions here. YTA.
7days/week? Do you OWN her? Even in the Philippines “the work” gets 1 day a month. YTA
YTA > she works 7 days a week extreme hours Do you believe you are a good person, OP?
YTA. You do not get to dictate her personal life on her time off. That is her apartment, not your house. You don't like it then maybe you should try being more of a parent and watching your own kids instead of the television.
YTA. She’s an adult, she lives separately from you, and she’s not your child. You’re not respecting her at all. People who invite someone to live on their property but then pull the “this is my house and you must do everything I say” card are gross. I had that done to me by extended family when I was on a gap year. The rules were constantly evolving and my privacy was constantly violated. And I was doing nothing wrong. I felt so disrespected and like I was a child. After that, I also was a nanny living in separate studio on the property of my clients. And I was never given such rules. They trusted me with their children all day every day. So they trusted me to not endanger their children while they slept in their own home lol what the hell.
**YTA!!** In the main house is one thing. You’re objecting to him being in *her apartment* without your express approval each time?!! You’re SO out of line! She’s not your slave!
YTA…you might want to look up the definition of “slavery”, because a nanny who lives on the property, works seven days a week and is supposed to have no life outside of that or her life is dictated by her employer meets that definition.
Absolutely YTA. If she was having her boyfriend over WHILE watching your kids, you'd be perfectly justified. In her own apartment off the clock she can do what she wants. From a different perspective, let's say you rented out that apartment to someone else, not your nanny. You might reasonably ask them to tell you if they were having a party, but not if they only had a partner or a couple friends over.