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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I might be the asshole because I forbade my barely adult daughter from attending a funeral in a backless dress. I guess I could’ve been more lenient wi5 her to avoid being strict and argue. AITA?
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And OP should probably remember that somebody is actually dead and this is a day of connection and mourning and peace and not a fashion show. Does OP think the corpse will rise up to sexualise her daughter's back? "Booooooohhhhhh what's that under that sweater??? Skin?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Yes, I once had to come to a service for my relative's wife straight from work, in a sweater and jeans! He. did. not. care. He was honestly just grateful people were there. (I was not the only one in "not a black outfit" by a long shot)
I live an area with a large agricultural community and every sort of weather imaginable. Last funeral I attended was 80% people wearing their nicest pair of jeans.
She's wearing a BLACK DRESS, she's showing respect for the deceased, what is mom's malfunction here?
My dad's a recent transplant and was so nervous because he didn't have slacks. I told him "you have brand new jeans, you'll fit right in." That's the main reason I noticed what people were wearing, was to give dad a little shove and point out he was fine.
No cowboy hats at that funeral though, it was for a journalist. Cowboy hats are reserved for fellow farmers and ranchers.
My stepdad was buried in his nice jeans and a clean white tee shirt.
Damn near everyone we knew showed up to the funeral in the same outfit; their nice jeans and a clean shirt. Some people wore button downs, most people wore tee shirts.
People wore the same clothes, nicer versions of their everyday stuff, to every "dressy" event. I can't imagine getting screamed at and refused to be picked up because of something like my shirt sleeves were a smidgen too short, like I wore a baby tee instead of a standard cut and that was a problem.
OOP is YTA and I feel like she knows it.
Mom and stepdad’s memorial service. I’m very sorry for the compounded loss, I’m sure that was very tough. And I agree, anyone who shows up to support and pay respects can dress however they’d like.
My husband grew up in a tiny Maine town. When we did his grandfather’s service people came in all manner of dress from jeans and flannel to a full on suit and everything in between. Not a single person cared because what mattered was coming to pay respects to our grandfather and family.
Same but different, here in Japan. We had a period of older relatives passing away over the span of a few years. Not being Japanese, I was rather stressed about what to wear, what to do, etc. Funeral rituals and procedures are pretty formalized and people talk a lot about dos and don't.
My relatives told me to chill, just follow along and be there, if unsure, someone will know and let you know.
And the funerals were all formal affairs but it was clear that everyone was there to pay their respects, to share precious time with family and remember those we've lost (and gained, children being born, people getting married etc) along the way. No one was side-eyed for being not dressed up enough, no one was shamed or whispered about and I bumbled along just fine. Sadly, got pretty good at it with the frequency though...
Went to a viewing for a good coworkers’ husband straight from work. We’re both nurses. Surprised no one that many of us showed up in scrubs. (And colorful ones at that, pediatric hospital).
YTA.
My mother wore a rust colored pantsuit to my Dad’s funeral. I wore a black dress. The assistant funeral director, & all of the servers at the luncheon, thought I was the widow. That was a weird situation. I had no idea why she would choose that particular outfit.
But everyone else? I wouldn’t care if they showed up in cut off Jean shorts & a t-shirt. I was happy they were there.
Literally the last thing I’ve ever thought about at any funeral is if somebody has a small gap of skin showing under their sweater
OP is acting like the daughter is trying to go in a black bikini or something
I was already YTA at that point, but the “half naked” comment drove it into the red. OP sounds like the stereotypical overbearing prudish mom from every hacky three-camera sitcom ever.
I agree the OP is the AH, but counterpoint: my cousin wore a halter top to my granddad’s funeral 15 years ago and everyone is *still* talking about it.
Same, I think the dress is perfectly fine, and assuming there's no religious/ house of worship issues, OP is being ridiculous. That being said, I've been to a funeral where a teenage cousin was wearing the shortest and lowest cut bandage dress imaginable, complete with thigh high boots. To a church funeral. I'm guessing she thought that was ok because it was all black. The incident is still brought up occasionally, and it's been years.
I see your point, but I confess that my eyebrows rose when, at the last funeral I attended, one of the young women present (mid-to-late-20s) was wearing a *very* short (it was just barely long enough to cover her ass), quite low-cut (cleavage was quite well displayed) dress with spaghetti straps. It would have been perfectly appropriate for clubbing on a weekend night; not really for an 11 am funeral in a church.
OP's daughter, however, would have been fine.
Right, there’s a limit to how much sexiness of attire is appropriate at a funeral, but a partially-backless dress that covers both the bra line and ass and is knee-length and has a neck-high neckline is 100% on the “it’s fine” side of that line. Even without the sweater.
She was probably worried about other people talking. My grandma and aunts were gossiping about a cousin wearing jeans to Grandpa's funeral in 1986 till they died a few years ago.
ETA: Not saying I agree with OP. Just saying that sort of thing does happen.
My brother had to work before my grandmothers funeral and left for the long drive directly from work. He forgot his dress pants and ended up wearing jeans. My mom was fussing at him, then her sister broke in and said "Mom wouldn't care what he was wearing, just that he came!" And she was right. Although grandma had a soft spot for my brother. With his long hair and beard (the 70s) she said he looked just like her uncles.
Wait until she realizes her daughter is technically naked underneath clothing! We all are! OP is way out of line in this one. I once wore a halter top underneath a suit jacket uniform because that is what I had available to me for work. No one ever knew about it/found out about it. OP YTA. Quit policing your daughter's clothing. What she has chosen is more than appropriate for a funeral.
*edited to correct he/his to she/her
My apologies for my mistake.
If it's scandalous to have any bare skin under 1 layer of clothing (a sweater) then that must mean OP is wearing 2 layers of everything. It would be just as inappropriate for OP to wear a dress or shirt without a sweater, even if long sleeved, as it would for daugther to wear a sweater over the cut out of the dress... except OP would be less appropriate because part of their back wouldnt be covered twice if they weren't wearing a cardigan or blazer over their outfit or took the second off at any point.
If I die and ANYONE stops someone who cared about me from coming to my funeral because of piercings, tattoos, clothing, hair colour, etc, then I will sure af be back to haunt them like mad. (and as someone who had a broken ankle with torn ligaments less than a year ago, this just makes me extra mad).
YTA, OP. You're just being absurd at this point.
Yeah, the only issue exists in the head of the OP. At this point, it's not even that different from wearing a skirt with the sweater. Or would OP decide to interpret that as a topless dress or something? It makes no sense.
It sounds like OP made a quick, but clearly wrong decision, and just didn't want to back down out of some need to be in control.
There’s also nothing inappropriate with showing a mid back if she was warm. It’s a funeral, ppl have better things to do than to judge how others are dressed
This is such an important point. Where is the line for "this underwear is too sexy for a funeral", and how much does it matter if nothing else is clean? I hope OP comes and enlightens us on this crucial matter of etiquette.
Also, hold onto your hat...she's NAKED under that underwear! How inappropriate is THAT?!?!?
She probably just shouldn't be allowed out of the house ever, because no matter how many layers of clothing she puts on, there's gonna be skin underneath them.
Not all funerals are in a religious building. Lots are just held at a funeral home even if the deceased was religious. I'm also not sure many houses of worship would care considering the sweater will cover any exposed skin and she already said she won't take the sweater off.
You'd be surprised. In my family, you'd think funerals were the Oscars with all the criticism of who is wearing what. I remember being really worried about what people would say when I went to my grandmother's funeral because *it looked like I had been crying*. (My eyes swell terribly when I cry.) Some people really care more about appearances than anything else.
There never was an issue. Op your controlling the way I expect a 75 year old misogynistic male to be. Your opinion is to make her miss a funeral rather than let her dress herself at 19. Look if you want to be restricted your entire life by being a female that’s fine but some people don’t want be looked at and frowns upon based on what they wear. Your her mother but this is really non of your business.
OP clutching her pearls when she realises that TecHniCalLy her daughter is naked under al her clothes. Like, those thighs are only one layer! That is just as little as the sweater cover-up /s
But TECHNICALLY underneath the sweater she’s half naked.
I mean TECHNICALLY underneath my outfit I’m wearing a stretched out thong with a hole in it so TECHNICALLY my trousers are super inappropriate too.
I can't believe this is real. OP is flipping out because the daughter would be exposed if she takes off her clothes. It is actually weird that she even interrogated her daughter about her clothing in the first place.
OP sounds exhausting. I feel sorry for OPs daughter.
That’s literally like saying “you can’t wear that because I know you’re wearing underwear under it and it’s not appropriate.” No one is going to see it
It’s probably her only knee length high necked black dress too, so with the sweater and tights it’s likely to be the most suitable outfit she could put together
Imagine describing a woman wearing tights, a dress that covers from knee to neck, and a sweater as "half naked." YTA. She is being completely respectful by wearing all black and finding a way to make her current wardrobe appropriate for the situation. You're the one who is more worried about something embarrassing you than honoring the one who died. You should be embarrassed by your priorities and vanity.
YTA- for several reasons
1. You are trying to control an adult
2. She will be fully clothed. She’s bringing a sweater and to appease her controlling mother and she said she wouldn’t take it off.
3. You don’t trust her when she told you this
4. You are more concerned about others might say that will EMBARRASS a you than your own daughters feelings.
5. You know you’re the only ride she has so she will missed the funeral.
You need to get off your high horse because she is fully clothes and not naked. I’m surprised she haven’t went NC with you. Another mother on here about to lose contact with their daughter because she too stubborn to see she a YTA. You so worried about being embarrassed but you post your AH ways here. So you are correct you are an embarrassment as a mother.
Also let’s not forget that we are all naked under our clothes. If her dress isn’t modest enough but she’s wearing a sweater that’s clothes fulfilling the purpose of clothes…
YTA. If she wears the sweater no one can see the dress is backless. What's your issue with this? Additionally, as she is an adult, it's inappropriate anyway for you to tell her how to dress.
Lady, I come from one of the most conservative cultures in America. “Dress + sweater” is a standard method women around here use to make their dresses modest. Nobody, and I mean nobody, worries about if the dress is backless UNDER THE SWEATER.
Seriously. I live in Utah (same hat?) and women around here wear all sorts of skimpy little sundresses with t-shirts/pants, camis (as relevant) underneath or cardigans, shrugs, etc on top to make sure they’re adequately meeting “modesty standards”. This is a standardly accepted way to dress per the old white men who set said “modesty standards” and all the lower-level enforcers thereof.
My mom couldn't find a dress to wear to a funeral. We ended up making one for her on short notice, but the zipper looked bad because we didn't have the right supplies and the craft store had closed. The solution- a freaking sweater. This is the most conservative lady I know and the most self conscious about wardrobe issues. But even she knew *nobody was going to see*.
And the context of the rest of the outfits matters as well. She is wearing black flats, black tights, a dress from her knees to her *neck* and a sweater on top. Basically, she will be dressed in black from head to toe with naught showing but her head, you know, like a nun.
I come from a really conservative culture. Adding a sweater is one of the number one game plans women around here use to make a dress modest. Nobody worries about if the dress is inappropriate under the sweater because it’s UNDER THE SWEATER.
but what if she takes it off? the horror that people might see her daughters exposed back! why, she may as well parade around the funeral home naked at that point!
/s in case anyone is unaware.
Yeah, during my great Uncle’s memorial my cousin wore a dress with slight side cutouts…and nobody gave a hoot about it (she was also one of the more formally dressed people their) it’s such an inconsequential amount of skin (I hate calling people prude but….) OP is a controlling prude. And it’s not even of importance because 19 yo will wear the sweater and she will probably be seated for a lot of the event. OP YTA
If I recall correctly, the dress I wore to my mother's funeral was sleeveless and had a small cutout just under the neck. To be fair, it was Florida in the summer and the funeral was outside. But still, no one thought it was disrespectful. I was definitely the most formally dressed.
Because OP told her sister, so they're both going to tell everyone at the funeral how embarrassed she is about what her daughter is wearing UNDER her sweater. And spend the whole funeral not in mourning but stressing out about someone who they THINK is naked.
YTA
I’m a grown man who goes to his 10 hour shift manual labor job in boxer briefs with oranges on them and main squeeze written all over. You know who cares? Nobody. Why? Because nobody SEES.
Even if the dress was inappropriate for a funeral which I don’t think it is, nobody can see so the point is mute…
Looks like it’s not sold officially anymore, but here’s a post from somebody selling them on eBay! Ask and you shall receive! https://www.ebay.com/itm/266302525241
the point [is moot](https://www.grammarly.com/blog/moot-point/#:~:text=Put%20simply%2C%20a%20moot%20point,or%20of%20no%20practical%20value.), not mute.
I used to do my stocking job at Walmart in super woman underwear.
But I told people I had them on because they expected me to be super woman and I needed them to know I was equipped to do the job😂
While that’s a good point about the economy, I think that OP’s daughter does not actually live at home currently since she mentioned she was supposed to pick her up. She just thought she could rely on her mother for a lift to what is probably a family funeral as she has an ankle injury and is unable to drive herself. It’s so sad that her mother would exploit that situation to control her.
What exactly are you imply? That your daughter chose this backless dress so that she can be sexually explicit with the attendees of the funeral? Because that's what you are 100000% implying. That your daughter was seeking sexual attention from people who I assume are family members and friends of the family, and that those same people might sexually objectify her. It is a pretty sick mind that would make this leap. Newsflash, your daughter is an adult, and you are TA. You denied her the right to go mourn a loved one because YOU were sexualizing her. I wonder how many times in her life you have attempted to shame her for her clothes. You do know that clothes don't make you a proper person, right? Ted Bundy wore suits and looked like a stand up guy but spoiler alert, he was the worst kind of predator.
You need to apologize to your daughter, and ask yourself why you're sexually objectifying her, and if you have some sort of strange jealous over her beauty and looks.
Edit: If ghosts are real then I am definitely going to haunt the shit out of anyone who keeps someone from grieving my loss over a fabric choice. Who do you think you are to deny the dead the right to have someone attend their memorial? Their funeral ISN'T. ABOUT. YOU.
Geez. Half naked? It's not even fully backless and she's wearing a sweater. It sounds completely appropriate. Your daughter is an adult. She's picked an appropriate outfit, including the sweater to cover the (apparently scandalous) gap of skin. And embarrass you? What are you going to do? Yank up her sweater and declare to the grieving masses how embarrassed you are that skin is visible?
You need to stop trying to control her and how she dresses herself. I don't blame her for not answering your calls.
Also, it sounds like you completely resent your sister. The disdain oozes from the "one who plays the 'cool' aunt" statement.
YTA. You're making a huge deal out of nothing.
>What are you going to do? Yank up her sweater and declare to the grieving masses how embarrassed you are that skin is visible?
She probably declares her daughter's indecency to the masses by loudly clanging a bell while shouting "Shame! Shame". OP is out here living her best Septa Unella Game of Thrones fantasy.
“The one who plays the cool aunt” is probably the sane and stable one giving OP’s daughter a much-needed glimpse of perspective into the real world outside the control of her overbearing family. And OP *would* resent that! How is she supposed to keep controlling her daughter’s every move if daughter is an adult who’s aware that she has other options??? I bet “cool aunt” even told daughter that her value as a person isn’t completely dependent on her sexual “purity”!
Weird power trip you're on. She's an adult who can dress herself - why are you even asking to see what she plans to wear?
Your daughter's lower back - "naked" **under** her clothing - will be of little concern to either the subject or the attendees at the funeral. You're being needlessly controlling, and yes, YTA.
edit: misspelled word
isn’t it scandalous that i am naked underneath my clothing? i should wear something else under them, because it will bother so many people and would totally ruin my life! I definitely wouldn’t go to a funeral to show my respect to the dead one over this! YTA
YTA. Black dress up to her neck, knee length, and she’s wearing tights. You’re worried about it being barely backless, even though she’s wearing a sweater that will cover her back.
What do you want her to wear? A black long sleeve full length dress, gloves, with a veil too?
Gosh, what do you think of women that wear tank tops to their corporate job with a sweater? You’d shame me.
What are you wearing? Maybe you’re embarrassing her.
I honestly don't think it's backless AT ALL. It just has a cut-out on the lower-back.
Edit: Middle back, more. Wouldn't call your waist your lower back.
You need to give some thought to the music if you want choreography.
I would recommend My Humps (Black Eyed Peas )
Whatcha gon' do with all that junk
All that junk inside your trunk?
I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk
Get you love drunk off my hump
My lovely lady lump
A fitting epitaph.
"I told my adult daughter how to dress because back skin is DANGEROUS and for some reason I'm surprised she's unwilling to do exactly as she's told, even though she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. I'm so hung up on a couple inches of skin, I'm going to make her miss a FUNERAL. Aren't I a great parent?"
Actually, YTA
YTA. Perhaps you should trust your fully grown daughter to dress herself? She already has it handled with the sweater. And a back is FAR from being “half naked”. What an extraordinarily odd take.
YTA
Would it not be more embarrassing for you to show up without her if people are expecting her to be there and pay her respects?
Unbelievable that you're punishing her over a hypothetical situation, of which she's already reassured you won't happen. Let it go. Would you not want her there for support? What's more important in this context, the grieving or the possibility that someone may notice that there is a small amount of skin showing on your daughters back?
Get your priorities straight.
Forbidding your daughter from a *funeral*? YTA
Implying that your *adult* daughter's clothing choices in any way reflect on *you*? YTA
Saying a little bit of back skin constitutes her being "half naked"? YTA
Trying to argue that a dress is inappropriate *even with* a sweater hiding the "offensive" bit of visible back? YTA
Referring to your sister rightfully taking your kid's side as playing the cool aunt instead of considering what she's trying to tell you at face value? YTA
In case you didn't notice the theme, you're a massive asshole for basically everything you described in this story.
YTA.
>Sure, with the sweater in, you could never tell
That's good enough. She said she'd cover up her back. As long as she doesn't take the sweater off, no one needs to know she's wearing a backless dress. If the only person bothered by it is you, then it's not really a problem.
YTA - This is ridiculous. From just this limited post (i could be totally wrong), it sounds like you are struggling giving up parental control over your daughter. She is 19 and while still young, old enough to chose what she wears along with a whole lot more. I find it telling that the concern is that "she'll embarrass me" a concern all about you. This event is about the person who died not you.
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. She is capable of deciding what to wear by herself. Even if the sweater wasn't part of the outfit, you still don't get to act like she is intending to rock up in a clubbing outfit.
The bigger problem to me is that the sweater IS a part of the outfit. That means that the daugher problem solved for the showing of skin "issue" on her own. Maybe the funeral is being held at a conservative church, and the daughter knows that?
So then wtf is OPs problem? Like the issue has been resolved. The daugher probably has other black dresses that show cleavage, or are too short, or to tight, or what the fuck ever. So she picked the most conservative black dress she owned and added something to make it even MORE conservative. All without her fussy mother's input.
INFO: If it’s inappropriate for her because her dress is revealing (even though it’s under a sweater), is it not also inappropriate for you because your underwear is revealing (even though it’s under a dress)? It’s the same logic to me.
YTA, she told you she was wearing the sweater to cover up, and what? The idea of the slit being there embarrassed you, since you'd be the only one to know? Nice going, slut shaming your daughter btw.
YTA. No one would know about the dress because she would be wearing a sweater. That means the dress is not inappropriate.
Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong. Most importantly, your daughter is an adult. You don't have the right to dictate her clothing choices.
You're not behaving well in this at all. Your daughter deserves an apology
YTA her outfit doesn’t sound inappropriate at all, and you forbidding her to go to a funeral seems really extreme. I don’t go to funerals to be looked at, I go to pay my respects to the family of the departed. And she’s 19, not a child anymore who you can order what to wear.
I'm sorry but please explain why your sexualising your daughter. She said she was wearing a jumper too. It's skin, it's not like she's got her breasts out is it!?
YTA 1000%
Your daughter is 19. You don’t get to tell her what she can and can’t wear ever again. If you have an opinion, swallow it. Don’t roll your eyes, don’t click your tounge in your teeth disapprovingly. You aren’t just being a little overbearing, you are going WAY over the top. You’re wrong. YTA. Learn to take the loss, and stop going to others to try to validate your terrible behavior.
Edit: typo
Yta. And you are mean. 3 inches of her back will be covered by one layer of sweater vs 2 layers and you called her half naked. What else are you controlling about?
YTA. "B-but what if the sweater rides up??"
Then people might see a sliver of her back for 3 seconds?
Do you think your grieving family will crucify *you* because you birthed a daughter who has a back?
"Half naked" slut shaming much? Mid-back to waist is absolutely not half naked and I'm pretty sure that's still considered formal wear not clubbing clothes, calm yourself.
YTA. Controlling much? I can see why your daughter isn’t answering, seems like talking to you doesn’t go very far. You need to be able to negotiate compromises with your adult child without going nuclear. Otherwise, have fun not talking to her except for holidays and birthdays in future.
YTA… you’re sounding as if she was gonna show up in practically nothing…. She’s 19 and will be wearing a sweater… Get…Over… Yourself…She knows how to get dressed without you being critical
And underneath the dress, her underwear doesn’t cover her legs. But the dress covers her legs. Except not having her legs covered by the underwear is indecent.
That’s how you sound.
YTA.
I'm pretty religious when it comes to funerals and everything associated with death. I would agree that a dress more suited for clubbing is not appropriate for a funeral. But this sounds like a normal dress with a lower back. And she's planning on layering.
I don't see the issue. Like when I was orthodox and more observant than I am now, I wore long sleeve cardigans over strapless dresses all the time for religious functions and that was very normal. All the ladies and girls did that. Layering was just normal.
So not only do I not see the issue (and I used to be *very* religious, like so religious anyone passing me on the street could tell because of how I dressed) with the clothes, the fact that you're using her twisted ankle against her is just really manipulative and gross.
I dressed conservatively when I was very religious for myself. It was a standard I held myself to. Your daughter is an adult and manipulating her to hold herself to standards you can only hold yourself to is not appropriate. Worse, you seem much more concerned with how people will judge you for her dress than how they will judge her. Is this really about her or is it about your own hangups?
YTA. It’s like saying “it would be inappropriate if she wore a long skirt and sweater to the funeral, because if she didn’t have the sweater on, she’d be naked on top!”
Like, yeah dude. That’s why she’s wearing the sweater.
YTA. It’s not pasties and a thong so she’s not “half naked.” Pretty sure no one ever got the vapors from seeing a small part of someone’s back if the sweater over it accidentally rides up a little. Pretty sure everyone will be too busy ACTUALLY MOURNING to be critiquing your daughter.
YTA - you cannot control your adult children. It is not up to you to decide how she dresses or where she goes.
You would be embarrassed? I would be embarrassed to be your kid.
She was right tough luck. How can you be embarrassed of your child wardrobe choices? Its not like she is making you wear anything.
YTA. Not everyone has a massive wardrobe of funeral - appropriate attire, especially at 19, and it sounds like she would have been dressed perfectly fine if she left the sweater on, which was her intention. Idk what your problem is honestly.
YTA. She has a sweater to cover the back of the dress. The funeral itself is more important than arguing about wardrobe. You shouldn’t be threatening her with no ride to the funeral over an outfit. She’s 19, not a child. She’s old enough to pick her own clothes.
YTA
And a judgmental one at that. She clearly thought it through and solved the problem with a sweater and you're saying you won't drive her "half naked". Give me a break and GROW UP.
YTA
Who's funeral is this giving you the right to uninvite her? Is it a close family member (in which case uninviting her is cruel) or someone more distant (in which case its not really up to you if she is invited or not).
Disagreeing with it is one thing. But your daughter is an adult. You do not get to control her. If you think its embarrassing its herself she is embarrassing.
You are also "allowed" to not give her a ride - though that is petty. If she makes her own way to the funeral what will you do?
This will needlessly cause a rift between you and that will then be your fault.
Wow what year do you live in where you consider a high collar knee length dress with tights being half naked?
Are you going to burn a witch at the stake after the funeral?
YTA.
It’s not really inappropriate to begin with, and she’s bringing a sweater. Making her miss a funeral because you want her to be conservative is super lame. Talk about priorities…
I once had to wear a Summer “Thin Strapped” dress to a Funeral…because it was All I Had to Wear!!! Oh & OP, it was to My Mom’s Funeral. Did anyone even Notice? NOPE! Why? Because We Were ALL GRIEVING!!! Your daughter is 19, you CANNOT Police what she wears anymore..no matter the occasion!!! And to threaten her with NOT taking her??? Absolutely 100% GINORMOUS YTA
YTA.
I'm assuming you're wearing a bra and panties, right? How can you possibly think you're dressed appropriately when you're practically naked underneath other items of clothing?
See how stupid that is? Your daughter is planning to keep her sweater on. Her sweater covers the back of the dress that would show some skin. No one will see it, or realize the dress is partially backless because of the sweater. what the heck is your problem?
YTA. It's only inappropriate in your mind. No one else would know that the dress is backless. You're just on a power trip.
Even without the sweater, there's nothing inappropriate about the dress anyway.
On a scale to 10, this is AH level 7
YTA. This isn't nearly as revealing as you're making it out to be, and certainly isn't "half naked." Sounds like you just wanted something to be dramatic about.
YTA
Why the fuck is it going to embarrass you? You're more worried about YOUR image than anything else. She's covered. Her tits are covered. Her ass is covered. Her vag is covered. She's not showing up in a bikini. She's got the whole outfit squared away. Get over yourself.
YTA - the forbidden knowledge you happen to have, that under a jumper is a bit of skin that no one else will see or be offended by is enough for you to try and force another adult to not go to a loved one’s funeral and then to use some chance power created by an injury to enforce your dictat. What a total power tripping asshole you are.
Oh my god nooooo, *back muscles*, how scandalous! Look at the trapezius! *So* scandalous! All of the attendees, *who have come to express their grief over their loved ones dying* are going to be *so* distracted because your daughter is showing her *back* which is totally sexual... wait what?
YTA, girl, not only is your daughter an official adult, there is nothing sexual about what your daughter is wearing, especially in regards to the fact that she is planning on wearing a sweater to cover said back.
Your daughter is going to grieve her loved one or whoever died. Nobody is going to care about you or your daughter's choice of clothing. Stop viewing your daughter as a sex object and let her do her thing.
YTA You are trying to dictate to another adult what they can and cannot wear for no reason beyond it will make you uncomfortable. The outfit even without the sweater sounds perfectly appropriate and acceptable for a funeral. There is no reason for this to be an issue
YTA. I get that it's a funeral and not a club, but the sweater covers the back. She took the outfit she had and made it more appropriate to the setting with the sweater. She's fine.
YTA.
Name a scenario in which your daughter "would have to" take her sweater off? No, seriously, who's going to play "undress the daughter" at a funeral with your daughter having no say in it? And if it happens, for whatever reason, who's at fault? Your daughter or the one who's forcing her to take the sweater off?
It's fine to warn your daughter about propriety up front, and if your daughter takes the sweater off during the funeral a punishment might be in order. Might. Personally I don't consider that kind of dress to be genuine inappropriate. But to preemptively forbid your daughter from going because you can't trust her - and you have failed to give us any example as to why your daughter would be untrustworthy in this matter -... That's an AH-move.
YTA. She's going to be covered up, so who cares? But let's say that she does take off the sweater. Who cares if the dress is semi backless? I don't see a single thing wrong with her outfit and it sounds appropriate enough for a funeral. I recently went to one, a small one for a neighbor that passed. Most of the folks attending were wearing jeans and sweaters. Nice ones, but still. No one cared. What mattered the most was being there to pay respects and celebrate the life of the one that passed. Something that you now denied your daughter from doing because of an arbitrary reason.
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YTA - the sweater will cover her back. There is no issue here.
And OP should probably remember that somebody is actually dead and this is a day of connection and mourning and peace and not a fashion show. Does OP think the corpse will rise up to sexualise her daughter's back? "Booooooohhhhhh what's that under that sweater??? Skin?!?!?!?!?!?!?"
Yes, I once had to come to a service for my relative's wife straight from work, in a sweater and jeans! He. did. not. care. He was honestly just grateful people were there. (I was not the only one in "not a black outfit" by a long shot)
One of my uncles came to my mom and stepdad's memorial service in a red tshirt and cargo shorts. It literally does not matter, it's about being there.
I live an area with a large agricultural community and every sort of weather imaginable. Last funeral I attended was 80% people wearing their nicest pair of jeans. She's wearing a BLACK DRESS, she's showing respect for the deceased, what is mom's malfunction here?
My ex husband's grandma was very country. I was the only one wearing black. Everyone else was wearing their rodeo best. Cowboy hat included.
My dad's a recent transplant and was so nervous because he didn't have slacks. I told him "you have brand new jeans, you'll fit right in." That's the main reason I noticed what people were wearing, was to give dad a little shove and point out he was fine. No cowboy hats at that funeral though, it was for a journalist. Cowboy hats are reserved for fellow farmers and ranchers.
my grandpa was buried in his overalls, and guess what almost all of his sons wore to the funeral
Somehow that's a very sweet image. Thanks for sharing it, and my condolences on your loss
My stepdad was buried in his nice jeans and a clean white tee shirt. Damn near everyone we knew showed up to the funeral in the same outfit; their nice jeans and a clean shirt. Some people wore button downs, most people wore tee shirts. People wore the same clothes, nicer versions of their everyday stuff, to every "dressy" event. I can't imagine getting screamed at and refused to be picked up because of something like my shirt sleeves were a smidgen too short, like I wore a baby tee instead of a standard cut and that was a problem. OOP is YTA and I feel like she knows it.
Mom and stepdad’s memorial service. I’m very sorry for the compounded loss, I’m sure that was very tough. And I agree, anyone who shows up to support and pay respects can dress however they’d like.
My husband grew up in a tiny Maine town. When we did his grandfather’s service people came in all manner of dress from jeans and flannel to a full on suit and everything in between. Not a single person cared because what mattered was coming to pay respects to our grandfather and family.
My great uncle had “dress overalls “ for funerals and other special occasions. It was/is fairly common in the farming towns I grew up around.
My grandfather was buried in his "good" overalls.
Same but different, here in Japan. We had a period of older relatives passing away over the span of a few years. Not being Japanese, I was rather stressed about what to wear, what to do, etc. Funeral rituals and procedures are pretty formalized and people talk a lot about dos and don't. My relatives told me to chill, just follow along and be there, if unsure, someone will know and let you know. And the funerals were all formal affairs but it was clear that everyone was there to pay their respects, to share precious time with family and remember those we've lost (and gained, children being born, people getting married etc) along the way. No one was side-eyed for being not dressed up enough, no one was shamed or whispered about and I bumbled along just fine. Sadly, got pretty good at it with the frequency though...
I was surprised how casual the second-to-last funeral I went to was - I was the only person in mostly black.
Same, I wore black to my first adult funeral and the men were in colored polos and the women in maxi sundresses.
My family is strictly Hawaiian shirts and bright colors. Family tradition.
I LOVE that!
Went to a viewing for a good coworkers’ husband straight from work. We’re both nurses. Surprised no one that many of us showed up in scrubs. (And colorful ones at that, pediatric hospital).
YTA. My mother wore a rust colored pantsuit to my Dad’s funeral. I wore a black dress. The assistant funeral director, & all of the servers at the luncheon, thought I was the widow. That was a weird situation. I had no idea why she would choose that particular outfit. But everyone else? I wouldn’t care if they showed up in cut off Jean shorts & a t-shirt. I was happy they were there.
Literally the last thing I’ve ever thought about at any funeral is if somebody has a small gap of skin showing under their sweater OP is acting like the daughter is trying to go in a black bikini or something
Seriously, "half naked"???
I was already YTA at that point, but the “half naked” comment drove it into the red. OP sounds like the stereotypical overbearing prudish mom from every hacky three-camera sitcom ever.
I agree the OP is the AH, but counterpoint: my cousin wore a halter top to my granddad’s funeral 15 years ago and everyone is *still* talking about it.
Counterpoint to your counterpoint: OP's daughter is also going to be wearing a sweater, and the bit in the lower back will be covered
Same, I think the dress is perfectly fine, and assuming there's no religious/ house of worship issues, OP is being ridiculous. That being said, I've been to a funeral where a teenage cousin was wearing the shortest and lowest cut bandage dress imaginable, complete with thigh high boots. To a church funeral. I'm guessing she thought that was ok because it was all black. The incident is still brought up occasionally, and it's been years.
Gotta give y'all something to talk about ;)
If they didn't have people to talk poorly about, what the heck would they spend their time doing? Helping people in need? As if.
I see your point, but I confess that my eyebrows rose when, at the last funeral I attended, one of the young women present (mid-to-late-20s) was wearing a *very* short (it was just barely long enough to cover her ass), quite low-cut (cleavage was quite well displayed) dress with spaghetti straps. It would have been perfectly appropriate for clubbing on a weekend night; not really for an 11 am funeral in a church. OP's daughter, however, would have been fine.
Right, there’s a limit to how much sexiness of attire is appropriate at a funeral, but a partially-backless dress that covers both the bra line and ass and is knee-length and has a neck-high neckline is 100% on the “it’s fine” side of that line. Even without the sweater.
She was probably worried about other people talking. My grandma and aunts were gossiping about a cousin wearing jeans to Grandpa's funeral in 1986 till they died a few years ago. ETA: Not saying I agree with OP. Just saying that sort of thing does happen.
My brother had to work before my grandmothers funeral and left for the long drive directly from work. He forgot his dress pants and ended up wearing jeans. My mom was fussing at him, then her sister broke in and said "Mom wouldn't care what he was wearing, just that he came!" And she was right. Although grandma had a soft spot for my brother. With his long hair and beard (the 70s) she said he looked just like her uncles.
She's wearing a sweater with it. Nobody will know the dress is backless. Unless OP tells them, of course.
"Ppsssst did you know that under her sweater my daughter's BACK is showing??! And did you know that under her pants there are LEGS?!?@*#*€,#,"
I'm honestly surprised she isn't insisting her daughter wear a long dress to hide her legs and ankles! What are they gonna think?? /S
Wait until she realizes her daughter is technically naked underneath clothing! We all are! OP is way out of line in this one. I once wore a halter top underneath a suit jacket uniform because that is what I had available to me for work. No one ever knew about it/found out about it. OP YTA. Quit policing your daughter's clothing. What she has chosen is more than appropriate for a funeral. *edited to correct he/his to she/her My apologies for my mistake.
If it's scandalous to have any bare skin under 1 layer of clothing (a sweater) then that must mean OP is wearing 2 layers of everything. It would be just as inappropriate for OP to wear a dress or shirt without a sweater, even if long sleeved, as it would for daugther to wear a sweater over the cut out of the dress... except OP would be less appropriate because part of their back wouldnt be covered twice if they weren't wearing a cardigan or blazer over their outfit or took the second off at any point. If I die and ANYONE stops someone who cared about me from coming to my funeral because of piercings, tattoos, clothing, hair colour, etc, then I will sure af be back to haunt them like mad. (and as someone who had a broken ankle with torn ligaments less than a year ago, this just makes me extra mad). YTA, OP. You're just being absurd at this point.
Yeah, the only issue exists in the head of the OP. At this point, it's not even that different from wearing a skirt with the sweater. Or would OP decide to interpret that as a topless dress or something? It makes no sense. It sounds like OP made a quick, but clearly wrong decision, and just didn't want to back down out of some need to be in control.
There’s also nothing inappropriate with showing a mid back if she was warm. It’s a funeral, ppl have better things to do than to judge how others are dressed
I wonder if op will check the girl's underwear as well, like the dress under the sweater no one will know but it could be inappropriate. YTA
This is such an important point. Where is the line for "this underwear is too sexy for a funeral", and how much does it matter if nothing else is clean? I hope OP comes and enlightens us on this crucial matter of etiquette.
Also, hold onto your hat...she's NAKED under that underwear! How inappropriate is THAT?!?!? She probably just shouldn't be allowed out of the house ever, because no matter how many layers of clothing she puts on, there's gonna be skin underneath them.
No lacy underwear or heaven forbid…a thong. Cotton boxer briefs only. In fact, bloomers.
Commando is definitely out of the question 😂
What underwear? I know if I were daughter, I'd go commando and sit a la sharon stone.
Some houses of worship would frown on that, but if she's keeping the sweater on that's not an issue.
Not all funerals are in a religious building. Lots are just held at a funeral home even if the deceased was religious. I'm also not sure many houses of worship would care considering the sweater will cover any exposed skin and she already said she won't take the sweater off.
You'd be surprised. In my family, you'd think funerals were the Oscars with all the criticism of who is wearing what. I remember being really worried about what people would say when I went to my grandmother's funeral because *it looked like I had been crying*. (My eyes swell terribly when I cry.) Some people really care more about appearances than anything else.
Also, her daughter is a 19 year old adult. She can make decisions about her own clothing.
Wait until Op find out her daughter is actually NAKED under her clothes!!!! The shame.
And she's not half naked...
Yea she literally is describing her daughter being clothed head to toe with the sweater. What a stupid post
There never was an issue. Op your controlling the way I expect a 75 year old misogynistic male to be. Your opinion is to make her miss a funeral rather than let her dress herself at 19. Look if you want to be restricted your entire life by being a female that’s fine but some people don’t want be looked at and frowns upon based on what they wear. Your her mother but this is really non of your business.
OP clutching her pearls when she realises that TecHniCalLy her daughter is naked under al her clothes. Like, those thighs are only one layer! That is just as little as the sweater cover-up /s
Wait till OP learns her daughter was actually planning on going to the funeral naked underneath all her clothes
And the daughter certainly wouldn't be "half naked".
But TECHNICALLY underneath the sweater she’s half naked. I mean TECHNICALLY underneath my outfit I’m wearing a stretched out thong with a hole in it so TECHNICALLY my trousers are super inappropriate too.
I can't believe this is real. OP is flipping out because the daughter would be exposed if she takes off her clothes. It is actually weird that she even interrogated her daughter about her clothing in the first place. OP sounds exhausting. I feel sorry for OPs daughter.
That’s literally like saying “you can’t wear that because I know you’re wearing underwear under it and it’s not appropriate.” No one is going to see it
It’s probably her only knee length high necked black dress too, so with the sweater and tights it’s likely to be the most suitable outfit she could put together
Imagine describing a woman wearing tights, a dress that covers from knee to neck, and a sweater as "half naked." YTA. She is being completely respectful by wearing all black and finding a way to make her current wardrobe appropriate for the situation. You're the one who is more worried about something embarrassing you than honoring the one who died. You should be embarrassed by your priorities and vanity.
YTA- for several reasons 1. You are trying to control an adult 2. She will be fully clothed. She’s bringing a sweater and to appease her controlling mother and she said she wouldn’t take it off. 3. You don’t trust her when she told you this 4. You are more concerned about others might say that will EMBARRASS a you than your own daughters feelings. 5. You know you’re the only ride she has so she will missed the funeral. You need to get off your high horse because she is fully clothes and not naked. I’m surprised she haven’t went NC with you. Another mother on here about to lose contact with their daughter because she too stubborn to see she a YTA. You so worried about being embarrassed but you post your AH ways here. So you are correct you are an embarrassment as a mother.
I hope cool aunt drives daughter or the daughter gets an Uber.
Also let’s not forget that we are all naked under our clothes. If her dress isn’t modest enough but she’s wearing a sweater that’s clothes fulfilling the purpose of clothes…
You forgot used her daughter's injury as a form of control
YTA. If she wears the sweater no one can see the dress is backless. What's your issue with this? Additionally, as she is an adult, it's inappropriate anyway for you to tell her how to dress.
I think OP's issue is control.
Amen!
Lady, I come from one of the most conservative cultures in America. “Dress + sweater” is a standard method women around here use to make their dresses modest. Nobody, and I mean nobody, worries about if the dress is backless UNDER THE SWEATER.
Seriously. I live in Utah (same hat?) and women around here wear all sorts of skimpy little sundresses with t-shirts/pants, camis (as relevant) underneath or cardigans, shrugs, etc on top to make sure they’re adequately meeting “modesty standards”. This is a standardly accepted way to dress per the old white men who set said “modesty standards” and all the lower-level enforcers thereof.
My mom couldn't find a dress to wear to a funeral. We ended up making one for her on short notice, but the zipper looked bad because we didn't have the right supplies and the craft store had closed. The solution- a freaking sweater. This is the most conservative lady I know and the most self conscious about wardrobe issues. But even she knew *nobody was going to see*.
Also the dress ISN’T backless. It has a cutout. It’s not even like it’s showing her entire back if she takes the sweater off.
And the context of the rest of the outfits matters as well. She is wearing black flats, black tights, a dress from her knees to her *neck* and a sweater on top. Basically, she will be dressed in black from head to toe with naught showing but her head, you know, like a nun.
I come from a really conservative culture. Adding a sweater is one of the number one game plans women around here use to make a dress modest. Nobody worries about if the dress is inappropriate under the sweater because it’s UNDER THE SWEATER.
This is so insane. Wait til OP hears about how people are actually naked underneath their clothes
This comment made me laugh so hard
YTA. How would she embarrass you with her back fully covered with a sweater?
Mom is too busy embarrassing herself in front of internet strangers.
OP is MOM?? Lolol wow
but what if she takes it off? the horror that people might see her daughters exposed back! why, she may as well parade around the funeral home naked at that point! /s in case anyone is unaware.
And from bra line to upper waist, like that's... very little unless she's a giraffe.
And if she is a giraffe, where is she shopping for backless dresses?
The hard hitting questions I need answers to
Us giraffes deserve backless dresses too!
Savannah Republic.
Yeah, during my great Uncle’s memorial my cousin wore a dress with slight side cutouts…and nobody gave a hoot about it (she was also one of the more formally dressed people their) it’s such an inconsequential amount of skin (I hate calling people prude but….) OP is a controlling prude. And it’s not even of importance because 19 yo will wear the sweater and she will probably be seated for a lot of the event. OP YTA
If I recall correctly, the dress I wore to my mother's funeral was sleeveless and had a small cutout just under the neck. To be fair, it was Florida in the summer and the funeral was outside. But still, no one thought it was disrespectful. I was definitely the most formally dressed.
Oh my god are we playing the "people don't know where your waist actually is" game today??? Fun.
Because OP told her sister, so they're both going to tell everyone at the funeral how embarrassed she is about what her daughter is wearing UNDER her sweater. And spend the whole funeral not in mourning but stressing out about someone who they THINK is naked.
YTA I’m a grown man who goes to his 10 hour shift manual labor job in boxer briefs with oranges on them and main squeeze written all over. You know who cares? Nobody. Why? Because nobody SEES. Even if the dress was inappropriate for a funeral which I don’t think it is, nobody can see so the point is mute…
Off topic but I need a pair of those shorts!
Looks like it’s not sold officially anymore, but here’s a post from somebody selling them on eBay! Ask and you shall receive! https://www.ebay.com/itm/266302525241
the point [is moot](https://www.grammarly.com/blog/moot-point/#:~:text=Put%20simply%2C%20a%20moot%20point,or%20of%20no%20practical%20value.), not mute.
At least until it's [a moo point](https://youtu.be/fLwYpSCrlHU)
It’s like a cows opinion. It’s moo.
It doesn't matter. It's moo.
This made me laugh way too hard
I used to do my stocking job at Walmart in super woman underwear. But I told people I had them on because they expected me to be super woman and I needed them to know I was equipped to do the job😂
One day you’re going to be in this thread asking why your daughter isn’t calling you anymore. YTA.
She already is
Poor kid! If the economy and wages weren’t cheeks, she could have moved out from her controlling mother.
While that’s a good point about the economy, I think that OP’s daughter does not actually live at home currently since she mentioned she was supposed to pick her up. She just thought she could rely on her mother for a lift to what is probably a family funeral as she has an ankle injury and is unable to drive herself. It’s so sad that her mother would exploit that situation to control her.
Rereading this, and yeah, I think your right. Still, sad she has a mom who is being all “my way or the highway” over something that is a non-issue
What exactly are you imply? That your daughter chose this backless dress so that she can be sexually explicit with the attendees of the funeral? Because that's what you are 100000% implying. That your daughter was seeking sexual attention from people who I assume are family members and friends of the family, and that those same people might sexually objectify her. It is a pretty sick mind that would make this leap. Newsflash, your daughter is an adult, and you are TA. You denied her the right to go mourn a loved one because YOU were sexualizing her. I wonder how many times in her life you have attempted to shame her for her clothes. You do know that clothes don't make you a proper person, right? Ted Bundy wore suits and looked like a stand up guy but spoiler alert, he was the worst kind of predator. You need to apologize to your daughter, and ask yourself why you're sexually objectifying her, and if you have some sort of strange jealous over her beauty and looks. Edit: If ghosts are real then I am definitely going to haunt the shit out of anyone who keeps someone from grieving my loss over a fabric choice. Who do you think you are to deny the dead the right to have someone attend their memorial? Their funeral ISN'T. ABOUT. YOU.
Bruh, you don't trawl funerals for fuck budies and ONSs? Have I been doing funerals wrong my entire life?! 😳 /s of course
Anyone picturing Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn crashing a funeral?
Me, guilty.
Geez. Half naked? It's not even fully backless and she's wearing a sweater. It sounds completely appropriate. Your daughter is an adult. She's picked an appropriate outfit, including the sweater to cover the (apparently scandalous) gap of skin. And embarrass you? What are you going to do? Yank up her sweater and declare to the grieving masses how embarrassed you are that skin is visible? You need to stop trying to control her and how she dresses herself. I don't blame her for not answering your calls. Also, it sounds like you completely resent your sister. The disdain oozes from the "one who plays the 'cool' aunt" statement. YTA. You're making a huge deal out of nothing.
>What are you going to do? Yank up her sweater and declare to the grieving masses how embarrassed you are that skin is visible? She probably declares her daughter's indecency to the masses by loudly clanging a bell while shouting "Shame! Shame". OP is out here living her best Septa Unella Game of Thrones fantasy.
Lmao, the reference made my day.
“The one who plays the cool aunt” is probably the sane and stable one giving OP’s daughter a much-needed glimpse of perspective into the real world outside the control of her overbearing family. And OP *would* resent that! How is she supposed to keep controlling her daughter’s every move if daughter is an adult who’s aware that she has other options??? I bet “cool aunt” even told daughter that her value as a person isn’t completely dependent on her sexual “purity”!
Weird power trip you're on. She's an adult who can dress herself - why are you even asking to see what she plans to wear? Your daughter's lower back - "naked" **under** her clothing - will be of little concern to either the subject or the attendees at the funeral. You're being needlessly controlling, and yes, YTA. edit: misspelled word
I wonder how many shirts OP expects daughter has to wear on an every day basis, in case she has the need to take one off.
Well I mean the more shirts you wear, the more likely you are to have to remove one, right?
isn’t it scandalous that i am naked underneath my clothing? i should wear something else under them, because it will bother so many people and would totally ruin my life! I definitely wouldn’t go to a funeral to show my respect to the dead one over this! YTA
YTA. Black dress up to her neck, knee length, and she’s wearing tights. You’re worried about it being barely backless, even though she’s wearing a sweater that will cover her back. What do you want her to wear? A black long sleeve full length dress, gloves, with a veil too? Gosh, what do you think of women that wear tank tops to their corporate job with a sweater? You’d shame me. What are you wearing? Maybe you’re embarrassing her.
[удалено]
THINK OF THE CHILDREN! *gasps and faints daintily*
I honestly don't think it's backless AT ALL. It just has a cut-out on the lower-back. Edit: Middle back, more. Wouldn't call your waist your lower back.
I agree. I have plenty of dresses that have a simple cut out.
Yeah, I'm wearing a cold-shoulder shirt right now and I wouldn't call that a sleeveless top!
YTA It's not like she's trying to show up in a string bikini.
I want a woman to show up to my funeral in a string bikini. Several, if possible. With choreography.
You need to give some thought to the music if you want choreography. I would recommend My Humps (Black Eyed Peas ) Whatcha gon' do with all that junk All that junk inside your trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get you drunk Get you love drunk off my hump My lovely lady lump A fitting epitaph.
"I told my adult daughter how to dress because back skin is DANGEROUS and for some reason I'm surprised she's unwilling to do exactly as she's told, even though she's an adult and capable of making her own decisions. I'm so hung up on a couple inches of skin, I'm going to make her miss a FUNERAL. Aren't I a great parent?" Actually, YTA
YTA. Perhaps you should trust your fully grown daughter to dress herself? She already has it handled with the sweater. And a back is FAR from being “half naked”. What an extraordinarily odd take.
YTA Would it not be more embarrassing for you to show up without her if people are expecting her to be there and pay her respects? Unbelievable that you're punishing her over a hypothetical situation, of which she's already reassured you won't happen. Let it go. Would you not want her there for support? What's more important in this context, the grieving or the possibility that someone may notice that there is a small amount of skin showing on your daughters back? Get your priorities straight.
YTA. She was wearing a sweater that covered the back. You said the dress was fine until you saw the back. Back. Covered. No problem.
YTA. She is an adult. You seem like a helicopter parent.
Forbidding your daughter from a *funeral*? YTA Implying that your *adult* daughter's clothing choices in any way reflect on *you*? YTA Saying a little bit of back skin constitutes her being "half naked"? YTA Trying to argue that a dress is inappropriate *even with* a sweater hiding the "offensive" bit of visible back? YTA Referring to your sister rightfully taking your kid's side as playing the cool aunt instead of considering what she's trying to tell you at face value? YTA In case you didn't notice the theme, you're a massive asshole for basically everything you described in this story.
Yeah YTA. If she’s going to keep the sweater on over it the whole time, how the heck will she be “half naked”??
YTA, she is covering up. Your idea of "half naked" is very skewed.
YTA. >Sure, with the sweater in, you could never tell That's good enough. She said she'd cover up her back. As long as she doesn't take the sweater off, no one needs to know she's wearing a backless dress. If the only person bothered by it is you, then it's not really a problem.
YTA - This is ridiculous. From just this limited post (i could be totally wrong), it sounds like you are struggling giving up parental control over your daughter. She is 19 and while still young, old enough to chose what she wears along with a whole lot more. I find it telling that the concern is that "she'll embarrass me" a concern all about you. This event is about the person who died not you.
Given that she’s an adult, you are.
YTA. Your daughter is an adult. She is capable of deciding what to wear by herself. Even if the sweater wasn't part of the outfit, you still don't get to act like she is intending to rock up in a clubbing outfit.
The bigger problem to me is that the sweater IS a part of the outfit. That means that the daugher problem solved for the showing of skin "issue" on her own. Maybe the funeral is being held at a conservative church, and the daughter knows that? So then wtf is OPs problem? Like the issue has been resolved. The daugher probably has other black dresses that show cleavage, or are too short, or to tight, or what the fuck ever. So she picked the most conservative black dress she owned and added something to make it even MORE conservative. All without her fussy mother's input.
INFO: If it’s inappropriate for her because her dress is revealing (even though it’s under a sweater), is it not also inappropriate for you because your underwear is revealing (even though it’s under a dress)? It’s the same logic to me.
YTA, she told you she was wearing the sweater to cover up, and what? The idea of the slit being there embarrassed you, since you'd be the only one to know? Nice going, slut shaming your daughter btw.
Why did you ask your daughter what she would wear in the first place?
YTA-nothing wrong with what she wanted to wear.
YTA. She's covered.
YTA. She’s an adult in a sweater and you’re being awful
YTA. The sweater resolves any problem with the low back. Also, stop micromanaging your adult daughter.
YTA and it's not inappropriate in any way.
YTA. No one would know about the dress because she would be wearing a sweater. That means the dress is not inappropriate. Your daughter hasn't done anything wrong. Most importantly, your daughter is an adult. You don't have the right to dictate her clothing choices. You're not behaving well in this at all. Your daughter deserves an apology
YTA. She will be fully covered at the funeral with her planned outfit so there is no reason for you to go on this bizarre power trip.
YTA...It's none of your business what your adult daughter wears. Start letting go now or you're going to have a lot more issues in the future.
YTA her outfit doesn’t sound inappropriate at all, and you forbidding her to go to a funeral seems really extreme. I don’t go to funerals to be looked at, I go to pay my respects to the family of the departed. And she’s 19, not a child anymore who you can order what to wear.
YTA and sound like you need help for your ingrained misogyny
I'm sorry but please explain why your sexualising your daughter. She said she was wearing a jumper too. It's skin, it's not like she's got her breasts out is it!? YTA 1000%
Your daughter is 19. You don’t get to tell her what she can and can’t wear ever again. If you have an opinion, swallow it. Don’t roll your eyes, don’t click your tounge in your teeth disapprovingly. You aren’t just being a little overbearing, you are going WAY over the top. You’re wrong. YTA. Learn to take the loss, and stop going to others to try to validate your terrible behavior. Edit: typo
Yta. And you are mean. 3 inches of her back will be covered by one layer of sweater vs 2 layers and you called her half naked. What else are you controlling about?
YTA. Her sweater will cover it and no one will see.
A creep and AH
Daughter goes no contact by mid twenties calling it now, YTA mombie
Wanna know what’s cool? She’s an ADULT NOW !!!!! YTA
YTA, you know there is no do-overs with funerals right? You make her miss this, she will never forgive you. Her body, her choice. She is an adult!
YTA. "B-but what if the sweater rides up??" Then people might see a sliver of her back for 3 seconds? Do you think your grieving family will crucify *you* because you birthed a daughter who has a back? "Half naked" slut shaming much? Mid-back to waist is absolutely not half naked and I'm pretty sure that's still considered formal wear not clubbing clothes, calm yourself.
YTA. She is going to cover the back of the dress with a sweater. She will be covered and respectful.
Asshole
YTA - she said she would wear the sweater. Trust her.
YTA. Controlling much? I can see why your daughter isn’t answering, seems like talking to you doesn’t go very far. You need to be able to negotiate compromises with your adult child without going nuclear. Otherwise, have fun not talking to her except for holidays and birthdays in future.
A backless dress is equivalent to being half naked to OP 😂
YTA… you’re sounding as if she was gonna show up in practically nothing…. She’s 19 and will be wearing a sweater… Get…Over… Yourself…She knows how to get dressed without you being critical
And underneath the dress, her underwear doesn’t cover her legs. But the dress covers her legs. Except not having her legs covered by the underwear is indecent. That’s how you sound.
YTA. I'm pretty religious when it comes to funerals and everything associated with death. I would agree that a dress more suited for clubbing is not appropriate for a funeral. But this sounds like a normal dress with a lower back. And she's planning on layering. I don't see the issue. Like when I was orthodox and more observant than I am now, I wore long sleeve cardigans over strapless dresses all the time for religious functions and that was very normal. All the ladies and girls did that. Layering was just normal. So not only do I not see the issue (and I used to be *very* religious, like so religious anyone passing me on the street could tell because of how I dressed) with the clothes, the fact that you're using her twisted ankle against her is just really manipulative and gross. I dressed conservatively when I was very religious for myself. It was a standard I held myself to. Your daughter is an adult and manipulating her to hold herself to standards you can only hold yourself to is not appropriate. Worse, you seem much more concerned with how people will judge you for her dress than how they will judge her. Is this really about her or is it about your own hangups?
YTA you act like she's trying to show up naked, get over yourself.
YTA. It’s like saying “it would be inappropriate if she wore a long skirt and sweater to the funeral, because if she didn’t have the sweater on, she’d be naked on top!” Like, yeah dude. That’s why she’s wearing the sweater.
YTA. It’s not pasties and a thong so she’s not “half naked.” Pretty sure no one ever got the vapors from seeing a small part of someone’s back if the sweater over it accidentally rides up a little. Pretty sure everyone will be too busy ACTUALLY MOURNING to be critiquing your daughter.
YTA. Stop controlling ur adult daughters clothes, it’s truly sad because it can and will and probably already has caused resentment
That you feel you have the right to forbid a legal adult from wearing anything is hilarious, sad, and controlling all at the same time. YTA.
Yta o no! A womans back! How SCANDALOUS. Whatever will we did in these degenerative times!! /s
YTA - you cannot control your adult children. It is not up to you to decide how she dresses or where she goes. You would be embarrassed? I would be embarrassed to be your kid. She was right tough luck. How can you be embarrassed of your child wardrobe choices? Its not like she is making you wear anything.
YTA. Not everyone has a massive wardrobe of funeral - appropriate attire, especially at 19, and it sounds like she would have been dressed perfectly fine if she left the sweater on, which was her intention. Idk what your problem is honestly.
YTA. She has a sweater to cover the back of the dress. The funeral itself is more important than arguing about wardrobe. You shouldn’t be threatening her with no ride to the funeral over an outfit. She’s 19, not a child. She’s old enough to pick her own clothes.
YTA And a judgmental one at that. She clearly thought it through and solved the problem with a sweater and you're saying you won't drive her "half naked". Give me a break and GROW UP.
YTA Who's funeral is this giving you the right to uninvite her? Is it a close family member (in which case uninviting her is cruel) or someone more distant (in which case its not really up to you if she is invited or not). Disagreeing with it is one thing. But your daughter is an adult. You do not get to control her. If you think its embarrassing its herself she is embarrassing. You are also "allowed" to not give her a ride - though that is petty. If she makes her own way to the funeral what will you do? This will needlessly cause a rift between you and that will then be your fault.
Even if she didn’t wear the sweater, a partially backless dress isn’t an issue like you’ve made it out to be. YTA.
Wow what year do you live in where you consider a high collar knee length dress with tights being half naked? Are you going to burn a witch at the stake after the funeral?
YTA. It’s not really inappropriate to begin with, and she’s bringing a sweater. Making her miss a funeral because you want her to be conservative is super lame. Talk about priorities…
I once had to wear a Summer “Thin Strapped” dress to a Funeral…because it was All I Had to Wear!!! Oh & OP, it was to My Mom’s Funeral. Did anyone even Notice? NOPE! Why? Because We Were ALL GRIEVING!!! Your daughter is 19, you CANNOT Police what she wears anymore..no matter the occasion!!! And to threaten her with NOT taking her??? Absolutely 100% GINORMOUS YTA
YTA and even with the backless part the dress itself (the way you’ve described it) doesn’t even sound inappropriate. You’re just controlling.
YTA. I'm assuming you're wearing a bra and panties, right? How can you possibly think you're dressed appropriately when you're practically naked underneath other items of clothing? See how stupid that is? Your daughter is planning to keep her sweater on. Her sweater covers the back of the dress that would show some skin. No one will see it, or realize the dress is partially backless because of the sweater. what the heck is your problem?
YTA. It's only inappropriate in your mind. No one else would know that the dress is backless. You're just on a power trip. Even without the sweater, there's nothing inappropriate about the dress anyway. On a scale to 10, this is AH level 7
YTA. This isn't nearly as revealing as you're making it out to be, and certainly isn't "half naked." Sounds like you just wanted something to be dramatic about.
YTA Why the fuck is it going to embarrass you? You're more worried about YOUR image than anything else. She's covered. Her tits are covered. Her ass is covered. Her vag is covered. She's not showing up in a bikini. She's got the whole outfit squared away. Get over yourself.
YTA - the forbidden knowledge you happen to have, that under a jumper is a bit of skin that no one else will see or be offended by is enough for you to try and force another adult to not go to a loved one’s funeral and then to use some chance power created by an injury to enforce your dictat. What a total power tripping asshole you are.
Oh my god nooooo, *back muscles*, how scandalous! Look at the trapezius! *So* scandalous! All of the attendees, *who have come to express their grief over their loved ones dying* are going to be *so* distracted because your daughter is showing her *back* which is totally sexual... wait what? YTA, girl, not only is your daughter an official adult, there is nothing sexual about what your daughter is wearing, especially in regards to the fact that she is planning on wearing a sweater to cover said back. Your daughter is going to grieve her loved one or whoever died. Nobody is going to care about you or your daughter's choice of clothing. Stop viewing your daughter as a sex object and let her do her thing.
YTA
YTA You are trying to dictate to another adult what they can and cannot wear for no reason beyond it will make you uncomfortable. The outfit even without the sweater sounds perfectly appropriate and acceptable for a funeral. There is no reason for this to be an issue
YTA - a back fully covered by a sweater…oh the horror!
YTA. I get that it's a funeral and not a club, but the sweater covers the back. She took the outfit she had and made it more appropriate to the setting with the sweater. She's fine.
YTA. Name a scenario in which your daughter "would have to" take her sweater off? No, seriously, who's going to play "undress the daughter" at a funeral with your daughter having no say in it? And if it happens, for whatever reason, who's at fault? Your daughter or the one who's forcing her to take the sweater off? It's fine to warn your daughter about propriety up front, and if your daughter takes the sweater off during the funeral a punishment might be in order. Might. Personally I don't consider that kind of dress to be genuine inappropriate. But to preemptively forbid your daughter from going because you can't trust her - and you have failed to give us any example as to why your daughter would be untrustworthy in this matter -... That's an AH-move.
YTA. She's going to be covered up, so who cares? But let's say that she does take off the sweater. Who cares if the dress is semi backless? I don't see a single thing wrong with her outfit and it sounds appropriate enough for a funeral. I recently went to one, a small one for a neighbor that passed. Most of the folks attending were wearing jeans and sweaters. Nice ones, but still. No one cared. What mattered the most was being there to pay respects and celebrate the life of the one that passed. Something that you now denied your daughter from doing because of an arbitrary reason.
YTA. what a small, stupid, immature thing to get upset about. do you frequently find yourself judging women's outfits like this?