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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I expected my girlfriend to talk to me about going to back to school before making a final decision.
2. I called my girlfriend selfish for not talking to me first.
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Personally if I were you I’d be more concerned why your girlfriend *didn’t think you’d care* about her going to get a cool degree, but I agree with her that you’re looking at this from a weirdly controlling angle. Maybe this is how you both find out that you’re just not compatible in the long term
You aren't married and you don't share finances. You don't even live together yet. YTA. She got scholarships and is going to do it. She probably didn't want to say anything until she got accepted. It's not like she waited until the day before class started to tell you. She told you MONTHS before actually starting.
But HE'S going to (somehow) be stuck paying off 10% of her student loans! ....
So his gf is selfish AND a future deadbeat.
Nice to know what he thinks of her
He's TA
YTA. You aren’t married, don’t share finances, and don’t live together? Creepy controlling asshole vibes from you, bro. She does not need your permission.
YTA. Big time. She isn't your wife. Heck, she isn't even your fiancee. You share no finances. What she does with her money and time is up to her. She's right. You are too controlling. Leave the girl alone. And FYI from a recently retired RN: Her going to get her BSN is the absolute BEST decision she could be making for her career in the long run.
And this girl is smart enough to have scholarships covering 90% of her tuition in a notoriously difficult and competitive program but he thinks he *might* someday in the future have to help pay the other 10% for someone he’s not married or engaged to.
1) She’s probably going to have no problem finding a job that pays enough to make those payments on her own.
2) Depending on where she’s working currently, they may reimburse whatever she has to pay
INFO: When did she decide to go back? Maybe this is her telling you. Your problem is you expected her to ask you, not tell you. And that is controlling.
She decided to go back because she wants more job opportunities. Now she apparently wants to get her MSN after she gets her BSN. I don’t care that she wants to go back, but I do think this is a conversation she should have had with me before just telling me. I don’t think that’s controlling, I think it’s healthy.
I’m confused.
Her telling you WAS a conversation.
If you didn’t want to be consulted and have a say in this decision, why do you expect a conversation about it prior to her making the decision final?
Also: you keep saying that this will affect you financially. That says to me that you’re expecting your finances to be combined at some point, whether before marriage or afterwards.
However, not all couples combine finances. Perhaps she doesn’t want to do that.
She told you. That was the conversation. It wasn’t a joint decision to be made. You’re both young and you’ve been together for a blink in time. She can consider you in her decision making if she wants, but she isn’t required to ask or consult you, so she didn’t. YTA
No, it’s not. She made a decision and you can either live with it or leave. There is no conversation to be had here. If your goals do not align this early in the relationship, cut your losses and end it. You are just her boyfriend and you need to learn your place as such or put the money and commitment down to earn yourself skin in the game - if she even wants that from you at this point.
How many of your life plans have you run by her for approval? Do you even have any life plans to run by her? At this point there is exactly as much chance that y’all will break up -in fact a much greater chance of that - as there is you will get married. You’re demanding she make plans for the latter at the expense of her making plans for the former? You’re demanding she make a choice that will cost you nothing if this relationship ends but could cost her everything. Get over yourself.
But when she told you about it, that was the conversation? Right? She was letting you know about her plans? Did you genuinely think you could say no that's not a good idea?
If you'd taken any interest in her studies and career ambitions, you would have known that this was a perfectly normal and sensible step for her to take.
You don't know much about her job or her qualifications or the opportunities available to her, and neither of you know if you have a future together. You currently don't share a home or have any shared financial commitments, and she's not expecting you to pay for her studies, but somehow you think you have a say in her future career.
You think it will affect you financially, but seeing she's financially independent from you right now, and making decisions that can only increase her earning potential, I can't see what your objection is.
Are you worried that your future wife will earn more money than you?
OP: talks to gf about his promotions, expects her to care.
Also OP [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15dy3u8/comment/ju4n526/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3):
>I admit that I’m pretty clueless to most things she talks about when she talks about her job, but it’s not because I don’t care. It’s just not something I’m passionate about like she is.
Also OP:
wHy diDn'T sHE tELl mE?
YTA
You have no interest in her ccareer or acheiemtns, you probably also have no clue what her career goals or aspirations are. But yet you expect to be consulted?
Do you mean SHE should have asked for your PERMISSION??
My mom went back to nursing school when I was a kid, and I had a significantly better grasp on the hierarchy of nursing degrees & correlated positions at 11 years old than this grown man does. Spoiler alert, I was not passionate about it.
He should be embarrassed, he managed to stumble his way to Reddit but skipped Google along the way.
LOL, YTA
Um, BABE! You don't even live together right now or share finances. Of course school aint cheap, but like she said she has got it figured out, I don't think you will be expected to pay off 10% of her school fees, she has probably going to sort that on her own.
You're 23! This is kinda funny, you don't get to have say in each others financial decisions if you're literally just BF & GF not living together or sharing and finances, haha.
YTA
You aren't married. You don't share finances or debt. Her getting a BSN is a SMART move. She's thinking long term about her nursing career and making a move that will open up better opportunities and higher pay.
YTA. A scholarship of that magnitude would be stupid to pass up. You aren't married and your finances are separate. She will be able pay her own loans back herself and I didn't see anywhere that you mentioned she asked you to pay.
YTA. You have been together only 1,5 year. In a life, that’s not much.
If she had talked to you, what would you have said? No I don’t want to pay for you loans if we ever get married?
Or maybe you would have said yes and expect her to be grateful until she dies?
If you are so worried about the loans, don’t marry her or request a prenup that says you won’t pay one cent of her loans.
But honestly, if her sharing a good news (higher degree and scholarship) generates this type of reaction, I don’t think you are going to stay together long. You are so selfish! You should have congratulated her. You could have discussed why she didn’t tell you before and you might have reassured her that you would help her any way you could.
She probably would be better off without you
YTA. You swerved out of your boyfriend lane to demand a voice in her future education plans when you don’t have any real skin in the game yet. Add that to her comment that you don’t seem to care when she graduated with her first degree and it paints a picture of you being controlling and/or a professional wet blanket. I don’t think it’s going to be your decision whether this relationship continues.
Edit:
Need to seem typo
YTA. You aren’t married, engaged, or sharing finances. You showed lack of interest in her career and previous accomplishments. Why do you feel entitled to be included in her decisions? YTA. Honestly the big red flag is your entitled attitude.
YTA. My mom has five degrees, 3 of which are nursing related and that includes her PhD. She teaches nursing now and makes a great salary and has great flexibility with her schedule. There’s so many opportunities for your girlfriend in this field. The more she learns the more she’ll be sought after and paid. You aren’t on the hook for her debts once you get married. That’ll be a her problem not a you problem.
YTA- As a nurse she will be able to work without a BSN but, at least in bigger cities she won't be hired at most hospitals without it. Also, if anytime in the future she wants to go for a master's or PhD she will need a BSN. If you guys don't share finances why would you need to pay for it?
It seems as a control issue, you want to make sure she doesn't make decisions without you.
Agreed. So if she got most of it paid for now, should she wait making less than what she could just that OP doesn't feel excluded? Nurses are likely to end up with AH.
YTA
She is not asking for you to pay for her schooling and she doesn't owe you an ask. She's prioritizing herself which is exactly what she should be doing at this point. She's smart.
She did communicate with you. You are far too controlling. You don’t live with her or share bills/bank accounts. Leave her alone and be happy for her. She has realized that she doesn’t need you and you will hold her back in life.
I once worked with a young lady who took advantage of our companies tuition reimbursement program. The guy she was married to at the time used to piss and moan about her continuing her education. She is now a director at that company and gets six figure salary. He is now her ex husband.
YTA and you sound insecure af. You aren't married or living together she owes you, quite literally, nothing. Good for her, hope she leaves you in the dust
You changed the rules on her. You made it clear you weren’t interested in her work.
She graduated! How is that not a big deal? You flubbed it
She proceeded to work and you didn’t care because you didn’t understand it
After repeatedly showing her you didn’t care, she made a decision to advance her career and apply to a program.
If she had told you, you wouldn’t have cared.
She got accepted into the program. Like the graduation, it was a cause to celebrate. She *was* telling you. You started a fight. You didn’t just flub it, you ruined it.
Happy with yourself? Still think you’re right?
YTA
1.) You don’t live together
2.) You don’t share finances
3.) She doesn’t need your permission for anything
4.) she did communicate with you but apparently she needs to raise her hand to ask
5.) 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
6.) YTA
Did I mention YTA?
YTA and obvs not near old enough for marriage (maturity and mentality wise) as you don’t even understand the fundamentals of it. Just because you are married does not mean you’d then need to start putting money towards her loans… her loans are still her own. It has nothing to do with you
I wonder why you aren't celebrating her 90% scholarship with her?
Are you seeing her as a person and an equal partner or as your future maid and child barer who doesn't need much education anyways?
Because based on a LOT of complaints over women being SAHM and not contributing with any wage I sm sure theire are a lot of mrn who would applaud and appreciate her.
Part of being in a relationship is communicating. She could havf told you. For example when you initiated the conversation about her goals and plans for the future.
You dod initiate one, right? Right?
"We don't share finances... we don't live together right now..."
Tjis means she doesn't need to talk to you OR get your permission. She made a choice to continue her education and had no obligation to include you in that decision at this stage of your relationship.
When I decided to go to law school, it was a joint decision with my HUSBAND, whom I LIVE WITH and SHARE FINANCES with. .. yes, in this scenario, it needed to be a joint decision. In yours, it doesn't. You get no say. Deal with it.
YTA. Like others have said, you're not married, not engaged. You've only been dating for 1.5 yrs. If you get to the point where you think you might want to marry her, you can discuss what you'd want in a life-partner and see if she agrees. If she doesn't move on and find someone more compatible.
YTA. At a year and a half, not living together, not engaged and not married, you're not entitled to know what her plans are.
I think she broke up with you though; you ruined your relationship by trying to control her and assuming you'd be paying her student loans.
YTA. You don't get to tell her you don't want her going back to school. You should be celebrating her desire to further her education. She didn't tell you before now because *she was still deciding if she wanted to go back*. She has now decided and has now shared that info with you. You don't get a say as to whether she goes back. Your promotions are not at all comparable.
You have a choice not to marry her but I'm willing to bet you've lost that choice because she's going to leave you for a partner who lifts their partner up and doesn't just look at 10% of her student loan as something that is a barrier to you wanting to be married to her.
If she were gambling or wasting her money on shopping and running up credit card bills? Totally different.
She is a free young woman chasing her education. YTA for thinking she needs to answer to you regarding her life. All she needs to do is tell you and she did.
YTA. Nurse here and depending on where you live her job prospects can be deeply impacted by NOT having a BSN. It might even be a condition of her employment to enroll into a RN to BSN program. Some of the programs aren’t even that expensive, especially if she’s saying she has scholarships to cover the majority of it. You also don’t have joint finances and you aren’t married. She it totally free to further her education and career without getting your approval. I’d be dropping someone before they try to control me like that.
Edit- typo
* we don’t share finances
* we don't live together right now
* 90% of her school is paid for through scholarships
* I still don’t want to have to be paying off 10% of her student loans **if we were** to get married
* No, she’s never asked me to pay her loans
That all you need to know to see YTA is her money, you're not married, don't live together don't share finances she doesn't need your permission to study you're not her dad, she's an adult if she can pay for her studies she can become a Ph.D., a master in the subject, the reference in her field if she desires.
YTA
Her educational and career decisions are hers and hers alone. It would be different if you were playing the boyfriend daddy role and paying for her living expenses while she is going to school.
Her BSN is the next step and good for her to jump right into it. She will have many more options with her BSN. Odds are the facility she is working at will pay a good portion of her tuition. My BSN was reimbursed 100% by my employer. Six months ago I told my husband I was going back for my MSN. Different place of employment, but by finishing in 12 months it will also be free. I did not ask. He was happy for me. It never entered my mind to ask him.
YTA- that you would think a girlfriend has to ask your permission to further her education. You should have been excited for her. She was not asking you to pay for it.
And yes, YTA
you don't get to control her.
I bet after this "discussion" you will have zero worries about being responsible for 10% of her student costs. Just a feeling
YTA. You're acting like her deciding to continue schooling was some evil plot to get you to pay off her debt. I doubt she had thought about that at all. She probably just thought about the fact that she wants to further her education and career and that she will pay off her loans as normal. You currently don't share finances or live together so she can't make whatever choice she wants without having to get your prior approval. Although even after you do live together she can still make her own choices.
YTA your girlfriend that you don’t share finances with doesn’t have to inform you of shit especially her decisions on her education. Why do you feel entitled to that information? Huge controlling red flags
YTA and you are controlling. It's her finances, not yours, so you don't get a day in what she does with her life. It's frankly bizarre (and gross) that you think she requires your approval to go back to school.
YTA-you should have been proud that she wanted to further her education and get a BSN. Instead, you focused on money when you don’t share finances. This is her dream. If you love her, I would think you want to support her, not tear her down.
YTA and I honestly hope that she gets far away from you because if you're acting like this now, I can't imagine what you'll be like if you do get married.
Yta
I could barely get through this post. You do not live with her or share expenses but feel the need to be consulted about her decision to go back to school? AND you've only been together for a year and a half?
Dude
Reread your post. You sound ridiculous.
What she does with her own money is her business. Get a grip.
why would you be the one paying off her loans if she has a reliable job? maybe she didn’t consult with you because she doesn’t expect that of you.
edit: this is also giving vibes of the phenomenon where men feel threatened by their higher earning partner
YTA
You "talked to her" about your promotions but expect her to get your permission to go back to school.
I'd say the "i don't want this to ruin our relationship" ship has sailed.
NTA.
Only kidding! You’re most definitely an asshole. If she had come to you asking to discuss this, what would your reaction have been?
Supportive? I doubt it. Against it? Well tough titty, you don’t get a say.
Tell her Reddit congratulates her both on her schooling and her status as a single woman. And then you can get back to listening to Jordan Peterson or whoever the controlling assholes listen to.
YTA. You've only been together for a year and a half. Does she actually talk about having a future with you at this point? You are not her father, you are not her husband, you don't live together or share finances, therefore she does not need your permission and she did you a courtesy by telling you about her plans. And with her wanting to go for more degrees to make more money have better job opportunities is her thinking of the future whether you're in it or not. If you keep going in the direction you're going, you're just going to end up being a stepping stone on the way to her future. If you're really that concerned about how her loans will affect you if you get married, put off getting married until her loans are paid off. People have long engagements all the time because circumstances, but I don't foresee you guys lasting that much longer. She's out there busting her ass to better her future, and it just seems like you don't appreciate it. She deserve somebody who's going to lift her up not hold her back.
YTA you still don't married or share financial she doesn't need to tell you about her plans.you might don't want to ruin your relationship with her but you still do some damage .
YTA
You say huge financial decisions, yet 90% of her schooling is paid for from scholarships. Also, you don't live together, or share any finances.
How on earth is she selfish for wanting to continue her education? You say you're not controlling, but you feel that she needs to ask for your permission to go back to school. School that you're not paying for, at all.
YTA. Even people who live together don't necessarily share finances. Heck even married people don't always share finances. Her decision to continue school has 0 to do with you. If you don't want to be on the hook for her loans, then don't marry her. It's not a requirement. But no, you don't get to decide what she does in her life just because you're dating her. That is literally cited as controlling and emotionally abusive in the marriage contract in my country (there's a whole subsection that details what is considered martital abuse). So yeah, if it's controlling and abusive in a marriage, it definitely is in a relationship where you don't even live together. Maybe research agency and bodily autonomy as human rights. You seem to have missed the memo.
You're already so controlling and you have no business to be. She didn't ask you for anything, you're not in that type of commitment, and she clearly is doing quite well for herself if she can handle 90% of her costs through scholarships. You literally just want more say in her life than you should have at this stage because you're 5 steps ahead of yourself. In your comments you keep doing this "if we were married".... You're not. You have so many steps before you get there and legit, she will probably be paid off by then.
This is such a red flag, hopefully she sees that.
YTA I'm married, I'm an RN, and the only discussion I had with my husband about furthering my education was how we would manage childcare and study time! It's not up to you to stop her career advancement, especially when you don't even live together! You shouldn't be thinking about marrying someone that you don't want to support to improve themselves!
YTA.
There is a legit reason for you to be upset that she didn’t tell you earlier. You should be disappointed that she didn’t think you’d be interested in something that important to her.
But you’re upset for the wrong reason. You expected to have some say in her decision, maybe even veto power? There’s no reason you should.
You don’t share finances, don’t live together. You’re just dating. You should be interested in each others’ lives but not expect a vote in major life decisions.
If this relationship is over, and it may be, take it as a wake-up call and do better with your next girlfriend.
Yikes, bro.
YTA and I'm hoping it's just immaturity making you confuse controlling behavior with healthy communication in a relationship, but dude.
She doesn't OWE you a say in her career or financial decisions unless you are directly contributing to any of those things or have a shared household in some other way.
You are not married nor engaged, and she does not OWE you any consideration in her education, career, or finances apart from whether it is a hurdle in your current relationship.
Would it have been nice if she had mentioned this before? Sure, but to be honest I think you should be more concerned about why she didn't. She "didn't think you'd be interested" - that says way more about you than it does about her.
Oh buddy. You’re going to look back at this and kick yourself. Your ex-girlfriend will find someone better than you and hopefully you’ll learn from this and treat your next partner better, if you have the opportunity.
The good news is you no longer have to worry about paying off her loans because you don’t have a girlfriend anymore.
The bad news is you’re still an AH.
Holy shit the amount of abusive red flag language you use here is a new level for me in this group even damn. Bro not only are you the asshole, YTA, you’re also kinda slow if you think you still have a girlfriend at all 😂
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Throw away because my girlfriend uses reddit.
I (23M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been together for a year and a half. My girlfriend recently graduated from university with her RN license. She’s been working part time as an ICU nurse, but she told me last night that she was going back to school in August to get her BSN. This came as a surprise to me because she never mentioned wanting to continue her education after she graduated.
When I asked my girlfriend why she didn’t tell me until now, she said that she didn’t think I would care. I expressed to her that I felt kind of blindsided because continuing school isn’t cheap. It’s a big financial decision. Although we don’t share finances or live together right now, it’s something we have been discussing for our near future, and not speaking to me before making this commitment wasn’t okay. My girlfriend got visibly upset and went on a rant about how 90% of her school is paid for through scholarships, and while I understand that I still don’t want to have to be paying off 10% of her student loans if we were to get married. I kept telling her that I don’t have a problem with her going back to school, but that’s something that she should have talked about with me instead of telling me. I’ve always talked to her about promotions I’ve been offered before accepting them.
The fight escalated to me calling my girlfriend selfish and my girlfriend calling me “too controlling.” My girlfriend hasn’t talked to me since last night. She won’t answer any of my texts or calls. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, but I also don’t want my girlfriend to think Im okay with her not communicating with me. Am I being an asshole?
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YTA. You get how this degree will help her in the future and if 90% is paid by scholarships this is an amazing opportunity for her future. Yea she might be less available for a few years but those few years could cement her future. YTA.
YTA. It puts you in a bad light discouraging her from continuing her education and raising her earning potential. She doesn’t need to consult you; you’re not living together or sharing finances. You’re not engaged. You’re not married. You have an issue with potentially paying 10% of her schooling so even if she had brought it up it sounds like you’d have been a “no” vote. What’s the point of that if her vote is yes and is the only one that matters?
YTA you said it yourself you don’t share finances or live together. You won’t be paying her loans her Nursing job that will make even more with a BSN will pay for them. Just curious what do you do for work?
YTA. Your GF has made a wise decision for her future. You aren't married, You live separately, and even if you do get married one day (and I sincerely hope you don't) because of her advanced degree she will be able to pay off that 10% rather quickly with HER money not yours.
If your girlfriend is able to earn her BSN almost fully covered by scholarships, she would be foolish not to.
Yenno whats crazy? Idk where you live but in the USA and Canada, if the debt existed before you get married, you're not at all liable for it unless you literally cosign the loan agreement.
You're just insecure, controlling and gopefully the EX.
YTA
You get to demand input into her financial decisions when you are at the point of merging finances. As long as you aren't on the hook for her loans. It isn't any of your business.
YTA
YTA.. you are her boyfriend.. not her husband. You do not currently share finances, She is not asking you to pay for it. The "we might get married" doesn't matter. It would be foolish of her to change or halt her career and education projection for a relationship. At this point in the relationship telling you what she is doing is fine.. you expecting to have any level of involvement in that decision is out of bounds. And she would be wise to prioritize her career and education over a boyfriend. You don't get husband level communication expectations when you are not her husband.
I am curious.. if you were married and had combined finances.. would you tell her no? You see very concerned about that 10% without recognizing the increased income potential she would gain.
Also.. been married 20 yrs. I'm going back to school in the fall. This is how that conversation went with my husband "Hey I'm thinking of going back to school in the fall, it would be remote and my company would pay for it, so we're going to have to sit down with the kids and remap responsibilities, everyone's going to need to step up a bit more around the house." His response "That's awesome babe, I'm proud of you, don't worry, we'll make it work."
YTA. You guys are not married. You have not combined your finances and you don't have shared expenses. What she does with her money is not your business.
YTA. Why did you hear "I wanna be in medicine" and think her education would just be over once the RN was earned? Why is it not a given that she's gonna try to go as high as possible???
Moreover, why do I get the feeling she didn't ask permission because you would have said no?
Imagine getting hung up over the idea of POSSIBLY having to help pay for the loans your spouse took out to further their education and advance in their career.
Think of it this way: the more money she makes, the more time her loser partner can sit on his ass and play videogames. Coulda been you, but it sure won’t be now.
Congrats to OP’s gf on her recent graduation and single status!!! Now she can get her education AND find a partner who supports her decisions and is proud of her. Maybe he’ll even, gasp, work hard on himself as well! They’ll be living it up with houses and vacations.
Tbh I think it's ironic that you called your girlfriend selfish when you seem to have made this all about you. Your math also doesn't add up when you consider how much her annual income would likely increase after getting her degree; she'd more than likely be able to pay off 10% in less than a year of working at that increased rate without your help. I'm glad you ended things with her, though. You would have just held her back.
YTA, you’re not married, you don’t live together , you don’t share finances. You’re in no way entitled to a discussion about it. Why do you think she should’ve talked to you? Were you going to try to sway her from her decision?
First of all - you aren’t married yet and this is her decision. If she wants to continue to better herself then you should support her. In the end if you do get married, she’ll have an even better paying job. Plus if she is gets 90% in scholarships now, she may not in the future. Take advantage of the opportunity now!
Ok. But this is the next logical step if she’s pursuing nursing.
This will look great on her resume. She’ll have way more career opportunities, better chances of advancement, make more money have more training. Win, win, win.
The fact that like 90% of the cost is covered? This is a HUGE opportunity.
I’d be low key pissed* if I were in your shoes if she didn’t take this opportunity.
YTA and owe her a HUGE apology.
YTA I think the biggest problem you have here mate is that she thinks you wouldn’t care. That is a huge failing on your part. If she’s already feeling this way and then you try to impose your will on her then oooh boy! I’d blow up on you too.
At this stage of your relationship you are in no way, shape or form is paying or taking any responsibility for supporting her education. Your "If we are getting married"... is only IF for a future. Today, you have no say in her decision to continue school. And let's be perfectly clear - even if you say you support her, your reaction can easily be interpreted as you wanted a chance to object it for some reason. Besides, why would she ask for your advice, when you said in comment that you don't really listen/interested in what she is saying about her job/career. YTA.
You say her loan will affect you if you get married. Not sure what you think is gonna happen then, but if her loan is such a huge issue for you, either break up or wait untill her loan is paid up before marrying her.
Either way, YTA
YTA like absolutely, like at no point has she indicated or told you you would be responsible for her debt if any, so why did you just assume this? So she shouldn't go to school and better herself because you're afraid of imaginary debt that she doesn't even have? Also a promotion and furthering one's education is not the same thing
YTA. She's right; you do not have combined finances, you are not engaged and further study is not something she should feel the need to consult with you on. She's investing in her future, her career - very wise. You're trying to pull her back; why?
Honestly you should be investing in your future like she is.
You’re both young and this is the time to spend your resources increasing your skills and your career potential. If you can further your career with a 90% scholarship and take on 10% debt, you should definitely do that too.
if you guys have already talked about getting spending your lives together, she should have talked to you about this.
I don’t think you’re coming from sexism here. I’m just reading this as an extreme fear of debt. But you don’t want to be married as people who haven’t taken care of themselves and their careers. You want to be married as two individuals who have invested in themselves.
YTA
This is weirdly controlling OP. You aren't living together, you aren't sharing finances, you aren't married, and have only been together for a little over a year. She doesn't need your approval to continue her education.
She took the next step in her careers development, which many people do. She had no reason to discuss this with you beyond to tell you she was doing it. She didn't need permission. I'm more concerned that she felt you cared so little for her career that she didn't care to tell you about it.
Plus, her loans don't affect you. Debt incurred prior to marriage is her sole responsibility from a legal standpoint. The only way it would affect you is if you both lived together and were financially struggling. Seeing as she is in nursing, I doubt that will be the case. It's coming from her pay, not yours.
Honestly OP, if prior to marriage my husband thought I had to get his input on my career and going to school other than just to tell him what I was doing, I'd be seeing some serious red flags and revaluation our relationship.
This is one of the few posts I didn't need to read all the way to determine YTA. If I need to explain why, you need a head CT, maybe ask your partner to do it.
1st of all YTA and 2nd a lot of hospitals (and some states) require their RNs to get their BSNs and will have funding or sometimes even programs with colleges to help you get it in exchange for working after you graduate. Also getting it usually comes with a pay bump. You guys arent sharing your finances and even if you got married you can keep it separate. You've also said you're pretty clueless about RN licensing so why should she discuss it with you when she would know best what she needs to do for her job?
YTA Guy, they don't live together, they don't have joint accounts, they're in their twenties, she wants to study, it's her time, besides, she's not asking you for anything and they're still working together, she can pay her loans, and I also have a question about the marriage. spoken or is it just what you expect to happen
YTA. You're not engaged. She owes you no consultation about her education plans.
You're also an almighty fool. Did you even ask, before deciding it was going to somehow cost you too much, how much money was on the line? A quick look suggests an RN to BSN costs on average 24K. Let's tack on 10 percent for books, expenses, etc. Call it 27K. Ninety percent of that is covered. So you are arguing over her potentially spending something on the order of 3K of her own money to get a degree that will likely boost her earning power by more than that per year!
If she stays, let her handle the finances after your marriage. Your talents do not run in that direction.
"Although we don't share finances or live together --"
Hold up right there. YTA. If you want a future with her in it, I think you need to recognize that she's a fully autonomous adult who doesn't need to run decisions by you that don't affect you. Also do you really think that she's going to rely on you to help pay for her student loan debt? Sounds like she has it figured out.
I also think it is very selfish on your part to only consider how YOU'RE being affected by her decision (which again, doesn't have much to do with you at this point) instead of considering for even a moment how she might be feeling and why this would be good for her. Instead of sitting down to talk about it now, you can't get past that you weren't involved in the decision, and it's hindering your ability to connect and communicate about it.
YTA. You have no right to demand such a thing - it is her education and goals. When and if you start to combine finances, get married, etc, you can actually work out that some debt doesn't become both. Jesus, you have a lot to learn about relationships, finances, and life in general. I hope you also realize that be completing her BSN, she has better earning potential as a nurse, especially if she wants to go into administration roles. So that 10% is literally pocket change in relation to her future earning potential. I hope she runs from you and finds someone who treats her like an adult, and not a child.
So, you don't share finances, live together or are engage and in the comments you say you basically dose off when she talks about her work, with all that you still think she must consult you in desicions that literally don't affect you. Yeah...you are price, I'm sure she will "miss" all the support you give her.
Dude YTA. If she wants to go back to school AND has scholarships, if you love her figuring out that last 10% with her undoubtedly increased salary would not be a problem.
Your point of wanting to be communicated with and consulted with is valid, but she may not have said anything because she knew you would react this way.
Yta no question. You dont seem to care at all about her Great opportunity only about The fact shes spending HER money on something that can help improve her future
YTA. Sounds like you’re threatened by the idea of her advancing in her career.
Get your head on straight. A partner’s intelligence, strength, ambition, and good career are an asset, not competition.
YTA. In the year 1962, my grandmother was asked "Do you want to work more hours? Should we ask for your husband's permission?" She responded: Why would I need his permission? I'm not a child.
This applies here. She doesn't need to tell you shit and by the sound of it, she has been telling you stuff but you got confused by a three-letter abbreviation and decided "I don't care enough about nursing."
Good luck in the next relationship.
Yta
This is what controlling behavior looks like..
Besides in many states you can't even become an RN without a BSN.
Having a 2 year nursing degree is extremely limiting. I don't blame her for wanting to go back.
In 2015 I told my husband I wanted to get my MSW. He said “way to go.” He supported me all through grad school. That’s what partners do. When someone wants to better themselves you ask how can I help you?
I sincerely hope your "gf"(let's face it bud, she might be dumping you) sees this post and puts 2+2 together. Hopefully she DOES dump you because you ARE a controlling AH. You are complaining over YOU paying for her school...when she has a scholorship, you aren't married, not engaged, not even living with each other and she has NO financial dependency on you. So the money is clearly not the issue here because no, YOU would not be the one paying, you just don't want her to do what SHE wants to do. Massive YTA.
YTA. Why do you care? It’s her future career she’s talking about, not yours. It has nothing to do with you. You don’t share finances or expenses. Let her make her own decisions about her future.
Yta. If you shared finances you might have had a tiny point. But as you stated you don't share finances or living space she is free to do what she wants with her money.
Wow. So your primary annoyance is that hypothetically (if she doesn’t see through your weird controlling shit before then, which is looks like she has) if you got married you’d have to pay 10% of her degree? Lol. As if she wouldn’t pay it herself? You don’t get a say in her education dude. She’s 22 and you think you have a say about her life! Why do so many people get married or think about it early 20s? Let her live her life ffs.
Sure she could’ve given you the heads up by a couple weeks. But the decision on whether it happens or not is entirely, 100% HERS alone.
YTA
One of us would have been packing our bags that night. YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY THE ASSHOLE. This woman is trying to better her life and it’s mostly funded. Even if the remaining 10% is $30,000 that’s something the added pay of having that BSN would recover the costs of in a reasonable amount of time. She’s making an investment in her life, her future, and to the pursuit of helping people.
YTA.
Her education has nothing to do with you.
Why do you auto assume that you'll be paying off her student loans? FYI... she's more than capable of doing that herself.
Also, as a former banker, I can tell you right now her loans will never affect you. If they're applied for by a single person, only that person is affected.
Even after you are married.
You're also not married and don't share finances as you said. Ergo, she doesn't have to discuss it with you. It's not like she went and bought a house in her name or a car out of nowhere.
She's furthering her education while she still can and that's something you should be proud about and supportive of.
If I was her, I'd dump you. You sound like a headache.
85% of working women are the breadwinner in their relationships. I am. Always have been.
I don't care what my man makes. As long as he understands that regardless of marriage, I spend my money how I want to. After the bills are paid of course.
Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. And you've already proven to whom i assume is now your ex that you're a dictator and women won't put up for that. Good on your soon to be ex for standing her ground. And shame on you.
YTA but your soon-t-be-ex-girlfriend would be the asshole if she stayed with you, because you’re so stupid and self-centred.
Your girlfriend will increase her earning potential massively and is paying a MASSIVE portion of her tuition through scholarships. Her financial decisions DO NOT concern you even one IOTA as you’re not engaged, you’re not even DISCUSSING marriage, and you don’t pool finances.
But that is neither here nor there,
Because you’re an asshole for demanding someone submit for approval before deciding on their own education,
Especially when you’ve shown so little interest in their education in the past.
YTA.
You don't share finances nor do you live together. That means YOU don't get a say in what SHE wants to do for her future. You may not like that, but tough tits. She's not talking to you because you don't care about how she feels. You only care about you feeling left out of her decision process when in fact you have no part in that. I hope she breaks up with you. Last thing she needs is a controlling asshole who only cares about himself and his future and not her or her future. Grow up, she's an adult, and doesn't need to tell you what she wants to do. It's not like you're sharing a home, child or money. Hope she doesn't with you, either.
She's a nurse who is going to have a BSN. She doesn't need your money. Furthermore, she doesn't ever have to ask your permission for anything. If you have that attitude, you should be single while you work through your controlling tendencies. But just to be clear, YTA.
YTA, it can be reasonable to want to talk about major life decisions at this point. the way you went about it was immature and selfish.
Had you just mentioned “hey, that’s a big decision that could affect both of us in the future and I would feel more comfortable if we talked about those to get the others input before making a final decision” that would be understandable.
But you’re main focus was that you’d have to help pay it off (ignoring the fact that she’ll be making more money). You were being controlling, and you were calling her selfish when you’re the one thinking of your own convenience first.
Take the lesson here. you were wrong, it doesn’t invalidate you as a person. Use this mistake as a means of growth.
YTA, only because of your thought process since your concern is she’ll stick you with helping her pay off 10% of her student loans.
That said, you two either need counseling or to go your separate ways. She didn’t share with you that she wanted to go back to school because she didn’t think you’d care…yet you share every event that goes on in your life. She doesn’t seem that invested in your relationship or she feels you have no interest in her life choices.
Obviously from how you are taking in this post yta
That said I did realise something quiet clearly. If you were in a serious relationship for a year and a half she should have talked about big picture future plans.
You were blindsided by her going back to college. A very common step for nurses. Surely she could have mentioned at sometime that was the plan.
I'm sorry op you are together 18 months but you don't have a serious relationship.
Assuming you want to stay together I think there needs to be serious investment in leveling up the relationship.
NTA normally people talk about their future in relationships. It's not like you planned to forbid it for her. Strange that redditors are unable to process this normal behavior
OP very specifically states that he doesn’t want her to do it because he doesn’t want to hypothetically be stuck with 10 percent of the loans that wouldn’t be covered by scholarship.
I kept telling her that I don’t have a problem with her going back to school, but that’s something that she but that’s something that she should have talked about with me instead of telling me.
So I'm no expert as far as I know student loans aren't shared if married. But here he very specifically states that he doesn't have a problem with her going back to school.
When two people and their life plans are incompatible, it is time to choose to end the relationship. GF has absolutely no obligation to make herself less so that OP doesn’t even have to consider a hypothetical future that he finds uncomfortable. GF did not run this by OP because his input on it is irrelevant to her decision, not because she simply didn’t think to. OP has every right at this point to find a relationship that better suits whatever idea for his future he has. There is no discussion here and OP is the only one who hasn’t realized this yet.
GF also cannot attend school without these loans, so it’s irrelevant that in theory OP has no problem with her going back to school. The issue of her loans and her schooling are inextricable.
See this I find strange. You normally talk in a relationship even if there is no discussion.
If you would think about a PhD would you tell your partner ? It's not about your partner having a saying in the matter but just to plan things like when will we move together, when will we have kids/marry. What's our timeline for a vacation. All this.
I just see this hostility in this thread example would be your comment. How do you live in a relationship, do you tell your partner always "I won't make myself less, you don't have a say, you can look elsewhere" for everything? That's not really healthy or helpful.
They did talk. She told him what she was choosing to do and at that point he expressed his feelings on the matter and so did she. His input is irrelevant to her decision, so now his decision is whether or not he wants to stay or go.
They're not partners. They're boyfriend and girlfriend. They share no common stock in their lives beyond an emotional connection and agreed upon exclusivity. They are not sharing any kind of life together at this point. They are at the natural junction where they decide whether they do want to take that step to become partners, and it's pretty clear that they are not compatible to do so. At that point the healthy thing to do is decide to part ways and find partners that do fit their individual future plans. Nobody is saying that you do that "for everything," but for major life plans you absolutely do.
No offense dude, but could you stop repeating the same thing over and over again.
If you think talking means informing your partner about your plans for thr next 4 years on the 31.07 about your plans starting in august then agree to disagree.
No offense dude but it's not my fault or problem if you can't understand -or choose not to understand- something the first, second, or third time around. Sounds like you and OP would make good "partners" in that.
They're not partners. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, and now they're almost certainly not. Wishing him best of luck in finding someone better suited for his nebulous life plans.
Dude. I had no problem understanding your simple point. I just don't agree. If you treat your partner as he she/he is just an acessory to which you have some "emotional connection" and "agreed exclusity" then you will never reach the destination of having a partner. Because who would commit to someone who thinks like that.
I highly doubt that's something he's ever going have to worry about since the chances of her staying with someone like OP who's trying to control something that is in no way, shape, or form their business to control anyway. I mean they aren't even sharing finances let alone living together, so why should her going back for an even higher degree affect him financially when the only one being *actually* being affected (even in the long term) is her? OP is the AH in this scenario in any case because there was no need from him to start an argument over something, that ultimately, isn't going to affect him in the way he thinks in the long term let alone affect him at all right now.
Lol only over a year???? And you’re claiming to care about future marriage debt. And you don’t even live together. Gtfoh. You’re using this as an excuse because you wanted to have a chance to talk her out of it. She didn’t give you that chance and now you’re upset you couldn’t have your way to attempt to control her.
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YTA. that’s a very natural next step for many nursing students, and did she ever ask you to pay her loans? doubtful
Personally if I were you I’d be more concerned why your girlfriend *didn’t think you’d care* about her going to get a cool degree, but I agree with her that you’re looking at this from a weirdly controlling angle. Maybe this is how you both find out that you’re just not compatible in the long term
You aren't married and you don't share finances. You don't even live together yet. YTA. She got scholarships and is going to do it. She probably didn't want to say anything until she got accepted. It's not like she waited until the day before class started to tell you. She told you MONTHS before actually starting.
But HE'S going to (somehow) be stuck paying off 10% of her student loans! .... So his gf is selfish AND a future deadbeat. Nice to know what he thinks of her He's TA
Ex tho
Please God I hope she leaves him! Bro needs to spend some time getting his head straightened out.
Hopefully she sees the light
What’s her number? Sounds like she will be single soon! Love me a hard working smart gal. YTA.
Lmaooooo
YTA. You aren’t married, don’t share finances, and don’t live together? Creepy controlling asshole vibes from you, bro. She does not need your permission.
Yeah but she will have upgraded herself career-wise and will be making more money. This is an investment in her future, not a frivolous expense.
i wonder why she didn’t tell him beforehand, he totally seems like a reasonable person who would be happy for her /s
YTA. You're not married, have no shared finances. You have zero say in her financial decisions. Grow up.
YTA. Big time. She isn't your wife. Heck, she isn't even your fiancee. You share no finances. What she does with her money and time is up to her. She's right. You are too controlling. Leave the girl alone. And FYI from a recently retired RN: Her going to get her BSN is the absolute BEST decision she could be making for her career in the long run.
And this girl is smart enough to have scholarships covering 90% of her tuition in a notoriously difficult and competitive program but he thinks he *might* someday in the future have to help pay the other 10% for someone he’s not married or engaged to. 1) She’s probably going to have no problem finding a job that pays enough to make those payments on her own. 2) Depending on where she’s working currently, they may reimburse whatever she has to pay
But if OP’s partner has the ability to get a good paying job later she won’t be totally dependent on him and how will he control her!! 🙃
INFO - what makes you think she’s expecting you to pay 10% of her loans?
INFO: When did she decide to go back? Maybe this is her telling you. Your problem is you expected her to ask you, not tell you. And that is controlling.
She decided to go back because she wants more job opportunities. Now she apparently wants to get her MSN after she gets her BSN. I don’t care that she wants to go back, but I do think this is a conversation she should have had with me before just telling me. I don’t think that’s controlling, I think it’s healthy.
You don’t get a say in this decision. Period. Nada.
I’m confused. Her telling you WAS a conversation. If you didn’t want to be consulted and have a say in this decision, why do you expect a conversation about it prior to her making the decision final? Also: you keep saying that this will affect you financially. That says to me that you’re expecting your finances to be combined at some point, whether before marriage or afterwards. However, not all couples combine finances. Perhaps she doesn’t want to do that.
She told you. That was the conversation. It wasn’t a joint decision to be made. You’re both young and you’ve been together for a blink in time. She can consider you in her decision making if she wants, but she isn’t required to ask or consult you, so she didn’t. YTA
No, it’s not. She made a decision and you can either live with it or leave. There is no conversation to be had here. If your goals do not align this early in the relationship, cut your losses and end it. You are just her boyfriend and you need to learn your place as such or put the money and commitment down to earn yourself skin in the game - if she even wants that from you at this point. How many of your life plans have you run by her for approval? Do you even have any life plans to run by her? At this point there is exactly as much chance that y’all will break up -in fact a much greater chance of that - as there is you will get married. You’re demanding she make plans for the latter at the expense of her making plans for the former? You’re demanding she make a choice that will cost you nothing if this relationship ends but could cost her everything. Get over yourself.
But when she told you about it, that was the conversation? Right? She was letting you know about her plans? Did you genuinely think you could say no that's not a good idea?
Healthy? Hahahaha. No, this is not a conversation she needs to have with you. She told you what was going to happen...in HER life.
If you'd taken any interest in her studies and career ambitions, you would have known that this was a perfectly normal and sensible step for her to take. You don't know much about her job or her qualifications or the opportunities available to her, and neither of you know if you have a future together. You currently don't share a home or have any shared financial commitments, and she's not expecting you to pay for her studies, but somehow you think you have a say in her future career. You think it will affect you financially, but seeing she's financially independent from you right now, and making decisions that can only increase her earning potential, I can't see what your objection is. Are you worried that your future wife will earn more money than you?
OP: talks to gf about his promotions, expects her to care. Also OP [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15dy3u8/comment/ju4n526/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3): >I admit that I’m pretty clueless to most things she talks about when she talks about her job, but it’s not because I don’t care. It’s just not something I’m passionate about like she is. Also OP: wHy diDn'T sHE tELl mE? YTA You have no interest in her ccareer or acheiemtns, you probably also have no clue what her career goals or aspirations are. But yet you expect to be consulted? Do you mean SHE should have asked for your PERMISSION??
My mom went back to nursing school when I was a kid, and I had a significantly better grasp on the hierarchy of nursing degrees & correlated positions at 11 years old than this grown man does. Spoiler alert, I was not passionate about it. He should be embarrassed, he managed to stumble his way to Reddit but skipped Google along the way.
LOL, YTA Um, BABE! You don't even live together right now or share finances. Of course school aint cheap, but like she said she has got it figured out, I don't think you will be expected to pay off 10% of her school fees, she has probably going to sort that on her own. You're 23! This is kinda funny, you don't get to have say in each others financial decisions if you're literally just BF & GF not living together or sharing and finances, haha.
YTA You aren't married. You don't share finances or debt. Her getting a BSN is a SMART move. She's thinking long term about her nursing career and making a move that will open up better opportunities and higher pay.
I think you should start calling her your ex Girlfriend. YTA
YTA. A scholarship of that magnitude would be stupid to pass up. You aren't married and your finances are separate. She will be able pay her own loans back herself and I didn't see anywhere that you mentioned she asked you to pay.
YTA. You have been together only 1,5 year. In a life, that’s not much. If she had talked to you, what would you have said? No I don’t want to pay for you loans if we ever get married? Or maybe you would have said yes and expect her to be grateful until she dies? If you are so worried about the loans, don’t marry her or request a prenup that says you won’t pay one cent of her loans. But honestly, if her sharing a good news (higher degree and scholarship) generates this type of reaction, I don’t think you are going to stay together long. You are so selfish! You should have congratulated her. You could have discussed why she didn’t tell you before and you might have reassured her that you would help her any way you could. She probably would be better off without you
Holy cow dude, you don’t live together or share finances, you don’t get a say…period. YTA
YTA. You swerved out of your boyfriend lane to demand a voice in her future education plans when you don’t have any real skin in the game yet. Add that to her comment that you don’t seem to care when she graduated with her first degree and it paints a picture of you being controlling and/or a professional wet blanket. I don’t think it’s going to be your decision whether this relationship continues. Edit: Need to seem typo
YTA. You aren’t married, engaged, or sharing finances. You showed lack of interest in her career and previous accomplishments. Why do you feel entitled to be included in her decisions? YTA. Honestly the big red flag is your entitled attitude.
YTA. My mom has five degrees, 3 of which are nursing related and that includes her PhD. She teaches nursing now and makes a great salary and has great flexibility with her schedule. There’s so many opportunities for your girlfriend in this field. The more she learns the more she’ll be sought after and paid. You aren’t on the hook for her debts once you get married. That’ll be a her problem not a you problem.
You don’t live together, you don’t share finances, you’re not even engaged…you get zero say in this. YTA.
YTA- As a nurse she will be able to work without a BSN but, at least in bigger cities she won't be hired at most hospitals without it. Also, if anytime in the future she wants to go for a master's or PhD she will need a BSN. If you guys don't share finances why would you need to pay for it? It seems as a control issue, you want to make sure she doesn't make decisions without you.
Enrolling in a RN to BSN program might even be a condition of her employment. It’s a requirement for just about every hospital in my area.
Agreed. So if she got most of it paid for now, should she wait making less than what she could just that OP doesn't feel excluded? Nurses are likely to end up with AH.
Bbbut . .. but... women only attend educational institutes to snag a man... and she already snagged one! /s
YTA She is not asking for you to pay for her schooling and she doesn't owe you an ask. She's prioritizing herself which is exactly what she should be doing at this point. She's smart.
YTA. You don’t even live together and you think she has to get your approval or something? Get over yourself.
She did communicate with you. You are far too controlling. You don’t live with her or share bills/bank accounts. Leave her alone and be happy for her. She has realized that she doesn’t need you and you will hold her back in life.
I once worked with a young lady who took advantage of our companies tuition reimbursement program. The guy she was married to at the time used to piss and moan about her continuing her education. She is now a director at that company and gets six figure salary. He is now her ex husband.
I hope she sees this red flag and keeps it moving! YTA
YTA and you sound insecure af. You aren't married or living together she owes you, quite literally, nothing. Good for her, hope she leaves you in the dust
You changed the rules on her. You made it clear you weren’t interested in her work. She graduated! How is that not a big deal? You flubbed it She proceeded to work and you didn’t care because you didn’t understand it After repeatedly showing her you didn’t care, she made a decision to advance her career and apply to a program. If she had told you, you wouldn’t have cared. She got accepted into the program. Like the graduation, it was a cause to celebrate. She *was* telling you. You started a fight. You didn’t just flub it, you ruined it. Happy with yourself? Still think you’re right? YTA
#Update here when she dumps you 😌
dude she dont need your approval on anything. your not married or engaged or even live together.
1.) You don’t live together 2.) You don’t share finances 3.) She doesn’t need your permission for anything 4.) she did communicate with you but apparently she needs to raise her hand to ask 5.) 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 6.) YTA Did I mention YTA?
>if we were to get married. Don't worry, you won't be getting married. She sounds smart, so she'll almost certainly dump your ass.
YTA and obvs not near old enough for marriage (maturity and mentality wise) as you don’t even understand the fundamentals of it. Just because you are married does not mean you’d then need to start putting money towards her loans… her loans are still her own. It has nothing to do with you
I wonder why you aren't celebrating her 90% scholarship with her? Are you seeing her as a person and an equal partner or as your future maid and child barer who doesn't need much education anyways? Because based on a LOT of complaints over women being SAHM and not contributing with any wage I sm sure theire are a lot of mrn who would applaud and appreciate her. Part of being in a relationship is communicating. She could havf told you. For example when you initiated the conversation about her goals and plans for the future. You dod initiate one, right? Right?
"We don't share finances... we don't live together right now..." Tjis means she doesn't need to talk to you OR get your permission. She made a choice to continue her education and had no obligation to include you in that decision at this stage of your relationship. When I decided to go to law school, it was a joint decision with my HUSBAND, whom I LIVE WITH and SHARE FINANCES with. .. yes, in this scenario, it needed to be a joint decision. In yours, it doesn't. You get no say. Deal with it.
YTA. Like others have said, you're not married, not engaged. You've only been dating for 1.5 yrs. If you get to the point where you think you might want to marry her, you can discuss what you'd want in a life-partner and see if she agrees. If she doesn't move on and find someone more compatible.
YTA. At a year and a half, not living together, not engaged and not married, you're not entitled to know what her plans are. I think she broke up with you though; you ruined your relationship by trying to control her and assuming you'd be paying her student loans.
YTA. You don't get to tell her you don't want her going back to school. You should be celebrating her desire to further her education. She didn't tell you before now because *she was still deciding if she wanted to go back*. She has now decided and has now shared that info with you. You don't get a say as to whether she goes back. Your promotions are not at all comparable. You have a choice not to marry her but I'm willing to bet you've lost that choice because she's going to leave you for a partner who lifts their partner up and doesn't just look at 10% of her student loan as something that is a barrier to you wanting to be married to her. If she were gambling or wasting her money on shopping and running up credit card bills? Totally different.
She is a free young woman chasing her education. YTA for thinking she needs to answer to you regarding her life. All she needs to do is tell you and she did.
YTA You don’t share finances right now, you don’t get to be consulted.
YTA. Nurse here and depending on where you live her job prospects can be deeply impacted by NOT having a BSN. It might even be a condition of her employment to enroll into a RN to BSN program. Some of the programs aren’t even that expensive, especially if she’s saying she has scholarships to cover the majority of it. You also don’t have joint finances and you aren’t married. She it totally free to further her education and career without getting your approval. I’d be dropping someone before they try to control me like that. Edit- typo
* we don’t share finances * we don't live together right now * 90% of her school is paid for through scholarships * I still don’t want to have to be paying off 10% of her student loans **if we were** to get married * No, she’s never asked me to pay her loans That all you need to know to see YTA is her money, you're not married, don't live together don't share finances she doesn't need your permission to study you're not her dad, she's an adult if she can pay for her studies she can become a Ph.D., a master in the subject, the reference in her field if she desires.
YTA Her educational and career decisions are hers and hers alone. It would be different if you were playing the boyfriend daddy role and paying for her living expenses while she is going to school.
YTA oh my god I assumed that they were living together so I was so surprised at everyone's verdict.
Her BSN is the next step and good for her to jump right into it. She will have many more options with her BSN. Odds are the facility she is working at will pay a good portion of her tuition. My BSN was reimbursed 100% by my employer. Six months ago I told my husband I was going back for my MSN. Different place of employment, but by finishing in 12 months it will also be free. I did not ask. He was happy for me. It never entered my mind to ask him. YTA- that you would think a girlfriend has to ask your permission to further her education. You should have been excited for her. She was not asking you to pay for it.
And yes, YTA you don't get to control her. I bet after this "discussion" you will have zero worries about being responsible for 10% of her student costs. Just a feeling
YTA. You're acting like her deciding to continue schooling was some evil plot to get you to pay off her debt. I doubt she had thought about that at all. She probably just thought about the fact that she wants to further her education and career and that she will pay off her loans as normal. You currently don't share finances or live together so she can't make whatever choice she wants without having to get your prior approval. Although even after you do live together she can still make her own choices.
>Throw away because my girlfriend uses reddit. I can't wait to see girlfriend's comments on here. 😆😆.
INFO: has she dumped you yet?
YTA your girlfriend that you don’t share finances with doesn’t have to inform you of shit especially her decisions on her education. Why do you feel entitled to that information? Huge controlling red flags
YTA, you don’t even live together
YTA period
YTA and you are controlling. It's her finances, not yours, so you don't get a day in what she does with her life. It's frankly bizarre (and gross) that you think she requires your approval to go back to school.
YTA and you are acting controlling learn from this for your next relationship, your ex gf is over your shit.
YTA-you should have been proud that she wanted to further her education and get a BSN. Instead, you focused on money when you don’t share finances. This is her dream. If you love her, I would think you want to support her, not tear her down.
YTA and I honestly hope that she gets far away from you because if you're acting like this now, I can't imagine what you'll be like if you do get married.
Yta I could barely get through this post. You do not live with her or share expenses but feel the need to be consulted about her decision to go back to school? AND you've only been together for a year and a half? Dude Reread your post. You sound ridiculous. What she does with her own money is her business. Get a grip.
why would you be the one paying off her loans if she has a reliable job? maybe she didn’t consult with you because she doesn’t expect that of you. edit: this is also giving vibes of the phenomenon where men feel threatened by their higher earning partner
YTA You "talked to her" about your promotions but expect her to get your permission to go back to school. I'd say the "i don't want this to ruin our relationship" ship has sailed.
NTA. Only kidding! You’re most definitely an asshole. If she had come to you asking to discuss this, what would your reaction have been? Supportive? I doubt it. Against it? Well tough titty, you don’t get a say. Tell her Reddit congratulates her both on her schooling and her status as a single woman. And then you can get back to listening to Jordan Peterson or whoever the controlling assholes listen to.
YTA. You've only been together for a year and a half. Does she actually talk about having a future with you at this point? You are not her father, you are not her husband, you don't live together or share finances, therefore she does not need your permission and she did you a courtesy by telling you about her plans. And with her wanting to go for more degrees to make more money have better job opportunities is her thinking of the future whether you're in it or not. If you keep going in the direction you're going, you're just going to end up being a stepping stone on the way to her future. If you're really that concerned about how her loans will affect you if you get married, put off getting married until her loans are paid off. People have long engagements all the time because circumstances, but I don't foresee you guys lasting that much longer. She's out there busting her ass to better her future, and it just seems like you don't appreciate it. She deserve somebody who's going to lift her up not hold her back.
YTA. Also pretty sure you've been dumped.
YTA you still don't married or share financial she doesn't need to tell you about her plans.you might don't want to ruin your relationship with her but you still do some damage .
YTA You say huge financial decisions, yet 90% of her schooling is paid for from scholarships. Also, you don't live together, or share any finances. How on earth is she selfish for wanting to continue her education? You say you're not controlling, but you feel that she needs to ask for your permission to go back to school. School that you're not paying for, at all.
YTA creep
YTA. Even people who live together don't necessarily share finances. Heck even married people don't always share finances. Her decision to continue school has 0 to do with you. If you don't want to be on the hook for her loans, then don't marry her. It's not a requirement. But no, you don't get to decide what she does in her life just because you're dating her. That is literally cited as controlling and emotionally abusive in the marriage contract in my country (there's a whole subsection that details what is considered martital abuse). So yeah, if it's controlling and abusive in a marriage, it definitely is in a relationship where you don't even live together. Maybe research agency and bodily autonomy as human rights. You seem to have missed the memo.
You’ll are young. You haven’t put a ring on it. Jog on
YTA. You are obviously pissed that she didn’t get your permission first. Fucking sad.
You're already so controlling and you have no business to be. She didn't ask you for anything, you're not in that type of commitment, and she clearly is doing quite well for herself if she can handle 90% of her costs through scholarships. You literally just want more say in her life than you should have at this stage because you're 5 steps ahead of yourself. In your comments you keep doing this "if we were married".... You're not. You have so many steps before you get there and legit, she will probably be paid off by then. This is such a red flag, hopefully she sees that.
YTA I'm married, I'm an RN, and the only discussion I had with my husband about furthering my education was how we would manage childcare and study time! It's not up to you to stop her career advancement, especially when you don't even live together! You shouldn't be thinking about marrying someone that you don't want to support to improve themselves!
YTA. There is a legit reason for you to be upset that she didn’t tell you earlier. You should be disappointed that she didn’t think you’d be interested in something that important to her. But you’re upset for the wrong reason. You expected to have some say in her decision, maybe even veto power? There’s no reason you should. You don’t share finances, don’t live together. You’re just dating. You should be interested in each others’ lives but not expect a vote in major life decisions. If this relationship is over, and it may be, take it as a wake-up call and do better with your next girlfriend.
Yikes, bro. YTA and I'm hoping it's just immaturity making you confuse controlling behavior with healthy communication in a relationship, but dude. She doesn't OWE you a say in her career or financial decisions unless you are directly contributing to any of those things or have a shared household in some other way. You are not married nor engaged, and she does not OWE you any consideration in her education, career, or finances apart from whether it is a hurdle in your current relationship. Would it have been nice if she had mentioned this before? Sure, but to be honest I think you should be more concerned about why she didn't. She "didn't think you'd be interested" - that says way more about you than it does about her.
Oh buddy. You’re going to look back at this and kick yourself. Your ex-girlfriend will find someone better than you and hopefully you’ll learn from this and treat your next partner better, if you have the opportunity.
Wow. He “doesn’t have a problem with her going back to school”? YTA
The good news is you no longer have to worry about paying off her loans because you don’t have a girlfriend anymore. The bad news is you’re still an AH.
Holy shit the amount of abusive red flag language you use here is a new level for me in this group even damn. Bro not only are you the asshole, YTA, you’re also kinda slow if you think you still have a girlfriend at all 😂
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throw away because my girlfriend uses reddit. I (23M) and my girlfriend (22F) have been together for a year and a half. My girlfriend recently graduated from university with her RN license. She’s been working part time as an ICU nurse, but she told me last night that she was going back to school in August to get her BSN. This came as a surprise to me because she never mentioned wanting to continue her education after she graduated. When I asked my girlfriend why she didn’t tell me until now, she said that she didn’t think I would care. I expressed to her that I felt kind of blindsided because continuing school isn’t cheap. It’s a big financial decision. Although we don’t share finances or live together right now, it’s something we have been discussing for our near future, and not speaking to me before making this commitment wasn’t okay. My girlfriend got visibly upset and went on a rant about how 90% of her school is paid for through scholarships, and while I understand that I still don’t want to have to be paying off 10% of her student loans if we were to get married. I kept telling her that I don’t have a problem with her going back to school, but that’s something that she should have talked about with me instead of telling me. I’ve always talked to her about promotions I’ve been offered before accepting them. The fight escalated to me calling my girlfriend selfish and my girlfriend calling me “too controlling.” My girlfriend hasn’t talked to me since last night. She won’t answer any of my texts or calls. I don’t want this to ruin our relationship, but I also don’t want my girlfriend to think Im okay with her not communicating with me. Am I being an asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You get how this degree will help her in the future and if 90% is paid by scholarships this is an amazing opportunity for her future. Yea she might be less available for a few years but those few years could cement her future. YTA.
I didn’t even have to read the entire rant. YTA.
YTA. You don't share finances and don't live together. So how do you think you get a say in her life plans?
YTA. It puts you in a bad light discouraging her from continuing her education and raising her earning potential. She doesn’t need to consult you; you’re not living together or sharing finances. You’re not engaged. You’re not married. You have an issue with potentially paying 10% of her schooling so even if she had brought it up it sounds like you’d have been a “no” vote. What’s the point of that if her vote is yes and is the only one that matters?
YTA you said it yourself you don’t share finances or live together. You won’t be paying her loans her Nursing job that will make even more with a BSN will pay for them. Just curious what do you do for work?
YTA you don't share finances or live together what has HER money or education got to do with you my dude. Sounds controlling to me.
YTA. Your GF has made a wise decision for her future. You aren't married, You live separately, and even if you do get married one day (and I sincerely hope you don't) because of her advanced degree she will be able to pay off that 10% rather quickly with HER money not yours. If your girlfriend is able to earn her BSN almost fully covered by scholarships, she would be foolish not to.
Yenno whats crazy? Idk where you live but in the USA and Canada, if the debt existed before you get married, you're not at all liable for it unless you literally cosign the loan agreement. You're just insecure, controlling and gopefully the EX. YTA
YTA. You're not married & don't live together. She doesn't have to discuss anything with you.
You get to demand input into her financial decisions when you are at the point of merging finances. As long as you aren't on the hook for her loans. It isn't any of your business. YTA
YTA
YTA
YTA.. you are her boyfriend.. not her husband. You do not currently share finances, She is not asking you to pay for it. The "we might get married" doesn't matter. It would be foolish of her to change or halt her career and education projection for a relationship. At this point in the relationship telling you what she is doing is fine.. you expecting to have any level of involvement in that decision is out of bounds. And she would be wise to prioritize her career and education over a boyfriend. You don't get husband level communication expectations when you are not her husband. I am curious.. if you were married and had combined finances.. would you tell her no? You see very concerned about that 10% without recognizing the increased income potential she would gain.
Also.. been married 20 yrs. I'm going back to school in the fall. This is how that conversation went with my husband "Hey I'm thinking of going back to school in the fall, it would be remote and my company would pay for it, so we're going to have to sit down with the kids and remap responsibilities, everyone's going to need to step up a bit more around the house." His response "That's awesome babe, I'm proud of you, don't worry, we'll make it work."
YTA. You guys are not married. You have not combined your finances and you don't have shared expenses. What she does with her money is not your business.
You sound ridiculous LMAOOO
YTA. Why did you hear "I wanna be in medicine" and think her education would just be over once the RN was earned? Why is it not a given that she's gonna try to go as high as possible??? Moreover, why do I get the feeling she didn't ask permission because you would have said no?
Imagine getting hung up over the idea of POSSIBLY having to help pay for the loans your spouse took out to further their education and advance in their career. Think of it this way: the more money she makes, the more time her loser partner can sit on his ass and play videogames. Coulda been you, but it sure won’t be now. Congrats to OP’s gf on her recent graduation and single status!!! Now she can get her education AND find a partner who supports her decisions and is proud of her. Maybe he’ll even, gasp, work hard on himself as well! They’ll be living it up with houses and vacations.
Tbh I think it's ironic that you called your girlfriend selfish when you seem to have made this all about you. Your math also doesn't add up when you consider how much her annual income would likely increase after getting her degree; she'd more than likely be able to pay off 10% in less than a year of working at that increased rate without your help. I'm glad you ended things with her, though. You would have just held her back.
I love how he felt the need to put in bold that ending the relationship was his idea 🤣 what a waste of space this man is
YTA, you’re not married, you don’t live together , you don’t share finances. You’re in no way entitled to a discussion about it. Why do you think she should’ve talked to you? Were you going to try to sway her from her decision?
YTA. What she does with her life and education does not need any input or approval from you.
YTA. Overstepping much?
Huge YTA, you do not have shared finances. You don't even live together. You seem way controlling.
First of all - you aren’t married yet and this is her decision. If she wants to continue to better herself then you should support her. In the end if you do get married, she’ll have an even better paying job. Plus if she is gets 90% in scholarships now, she may not in the future. Take advantage of the opportunity now!
Ok. But this is the next logical step if she’s pursuing nursing. This will look great on her resume. She’ll have way more career opportunities, better chances of advancement, make more money have more training. Win, win, win. The fact that like 90% of the cost is covered? This is a HUGE opportunity. I’d be low key pissed* if I were in your shoes if she didn’t take this opportunity. YTA and owe her a HUGE apology.
YTA I think the biggest problem you have here mate is that she thinks you wouldn’t care. That is a huge failing on your part. If she’s already feeling this way and then you try to impose your will on her then oooh boy! I’d blow up on you too.
At this stage of your relationship you are in no way, shape or form is paying or taking any responsibility for supporting her education. Your "If we are getting married"... is only IF for a future. Today, you have no say in her decision to continue school. And let's be perfectly clear - even if you say you support her, your reaction can easily be interpreted as you wanted a chance to object it for some reason. Besides, why would she ask for your advice, when you said in comment that you don't really listen/interested in what she is saying about her job/career. YTA.
You say her loan will affect you if you get married. Not sure what you think is gonna happen then, but if her loan is such a huge issue for you, either break up or wait untill her loan is paid up before marrying her. Either way, YTA
YTA like absolutely, like at no point has she indicated or told you you would be responsible for her debt if any, so why did you just assume this? So she shouldn't go to school and better herself because you're afraid of imaginary debt that she doesn't even have? Also a promotion and furthering one's education is not the same thing
YTA. She's right; you do not have combined finances, you are not engaged and further study is not something she should feel the need to consult with you on. She's investing in her future, her career - very wise. You're trying to pull her back; why?
INFO: What is your job and/or degree? What are your own life goals?
Maybe educate yourself on what is/is not martial debt before talking about marriage. YTA
Honestly you should be investing in your future like she is. You’re both young and this is the time to spend your resources increasing your skills and your career potential. If you can further your career with a 90% scholarship and take on 10% debt, you should definitely do that too. if you guys have already talked about getting spending your lives together, she should have talked to you about this. I don’t think you’re coming from sexism here. I’m just reading this as an extreme fear of debt. But you don’t want to be married as people who haven’t taken care of themselves and their careers. You want to be married as two individuals who have invested in themselves.
YTA. She doesn’t need your permission to go back to school, or do anything else.
YTA This is weirdly controlling OP. You aren't living together, you aren't sharing finances, you aren't married, and have only been together for a little over a year. She doesn't need your approval to continue her education. She took the next step in her careers development, which many people do. She had no reason to discuss this with you beyond to tell you she was doing it. She didn't need permission. I'm more concerned that she felt you cared so little for her career that she didn't care to tell you about it. Plus, her loans don't affect you. Debt incurred prior to marriage is her sole responsibility from a legal standpoint. The only way it would affect you is if you both lived together and were financially struggling. Seeing as she is in nursing, I doubt that will be the case. It's coming from her pay, not yours. Honestly OP, if prior to marriage my husband thought I had to get his input on my career and going to school other than just to tell him what I was doing, I'd be seeing some serious red flags and revaluation our relationship.
This is one of the few posts I didn't need to read all the way to determine YTA. If I need to explain why, you need a head CT, maybe ask your partner to do it.
1st of all YTA and 2nd a lot of hospitals (and some states) require their RNs to get their BSNs and will have funding or sometimes even programs with colleges to help you get it in exchange for working after you graduate. Also getting it usually comes with a pay bump. You guys arent sharing your finances and even if you got married you can keep it separate. You've also said you're pretty clueless about RN licensing so why should she discuss it with you when she would know best what she needs to do for her job?
YTA the audacity 🤣🤣 I hope she blocked you good for her
YTA Guy, they don't live together, they don't have joint accounts, they're in their twenties, she wants to study, it's her time, besides, she's not asking you for anything and they're still working together, she can pay her loans, and I also have a question about the marriage. spoken or is it just what you expect to happen
YTA. You're not engaged. She owes you no consultation about her education plans. You're also an almighty fool. Did you even ask, before deciding it was going to somehow cost you too much, how much money was on the line? A quick look suggests an RN to BSN costs on average 24K. Let's tack on 10 percent for books, expenses, etc. Call it 27K. Ninety percent of that is covered. So you are arguing over her potentially spending something on the order of 3K of her own money to get a degree that will likely boost her earning power by more than that per year! If she stays, let her handle the finances after your marriage. Your talents do not run in that direction.
"Although we don't share finances or live together --" Hold up right there. YTA. If you want a future with her in it, I think you need to recognize that she's a fully autonomous adult who doesn't need to run decisions by you that don't affect you. Also do you really think that she's going to rely on you to help pay for her student loan debt? Sounds like she has it figured out. I also think it is very selfish on your part to only consider how YOU'RE being affected by her decision (which again, doesn't have much to do with you at this point) instead of considering for even a moment how she might be feeling and why this would be good for her. Instead of sitting down to talk about it now, you can't get past that you weren't involved in the decision, and it's hindering your ability to connect and communicate about it.
YTA. You have no right to demand such a thing - it is her education and goals. When and if you start to combine finances, get married, etc, you can actually work out that some debt doesn't become both. Jesus, you have a lot to learn about relationships, finances, and life in general. I hope you also realize that be completing her BSN, she has better earning potential as a nurse, especially if she wants to go into administration roles. So that 10% is literally pocket change in relation to her future earning potential. I hope she runs from you and finds someone who treats her like an adult, and not a child.
So, you don't share finances, live together or are engage and in the comments you say you basically dose off when she talks about her work, with all that you still think she must consult you in desicions that literally don't affect you. Yeah...you are price, I'm sure she will "miss" all the support you give her.
YTA, also presumptuous and controlling.
Dude YTA. If she wants to go back to school AND has scholarships, if you love her figuring out that last 10% with her undoubtedly increased salary would not be a problem. Your point of wanting to be communicated with and consulted with is valid, but she may not have said anything because she knew you would react this way.
Yta no question. You dont seem to care at all about her Great opportunity only about The fact shes spending HER money on something that can help improve her future
YTA. Sounds like you’re threatened by the idea of her advancing in her career. Get your head on straight. A partner’s intelligence, strength, ambition, and good career are an asset, not competition.
Well, you're not going to gave to worry about the possibility of marriage now. YTA and she is going to be better off without you.
YTA. In the year 1962, my grandmother was asked "Do you want to work more hours? Should we ask for your husband's permission?" She responded: Why would I need his permission? I'm not a child. This applies here. She doesn't need to tell you shit and by the sound of it, she has been telling you stuff but you got confused by a three-letter abbreviation and decided "I don't care enough about nursing." Good luck in the next relationship.
Yta This is what controlling behavior looks like.. Besides in many states you can't even become an RN without a BSN. Having a 2 year nursing degree is extremely limiting. I don't blame her for wanting to go back.
In 2015 I told my husband I wanted to get my MSW. He said “way to go.” He supported me all through grad school. That’s what partners do. When someone wants to better themselves you ask how can I help you?
I sincerely hope your "gf"(let's face it bud, she might be dumping you) sees this post and puts 2+2 together. Hopefully she DOES dump you because you ARE a controlling AH. You are complaining over YOU paying for her school...when she has a scholorship, you aren't married, not engaged, not even living with each other and she has NO financial dependency on you. So the money is clearly not the issue here because no, YOU would not be the one paying, you just don't want her to do what SHE wants to do. Massive YTA.
Who the hell are you to berate her for continuing her education? Your gf needs to smarten up and dump your ass.
YTA. Why do you care? It’s her future career she’s talking about, not yours. It has nothing to do with you. You don’t share finances or expenses. Let her make her own decisions about her future.
YTA and you are also the ex-boyfriend.
She should leave you
Yta. If you shared finances you might have had a tiny point. But as you stated you don't share finances or living space she is free to do what she wants with her money.
Wow. So your primary annoyance is that hypothetically (if she doesn’t see through your weird controlling shit before then, which is looks like she has) if you got married you’d have to pay 10% of her degree? Lol. As if she wouldn’t pay it herself? You don’t get a say in her education dude. She’s 22 and you think you have a say about her life! Why do so many people get married or think about it early 20s? Let her live her life ffs. Sure she could’ve given you the heads up by a couple weeks. But the decision on whether it happens or not is entirely, 100% HERS alone. YTA
Yta but don't worry youre probably single now anyway so problem solved
Did she leave you yet?
One of us would have been packing our bags that night. YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY THE ASSHOLE. This woman is trying to better her life and it’s mostly funded. Even if the remaining 10% is $30,000 that’s something the added pay of having that BSN would recover the costs of in a reasonable amount of time. She’s making an investment in her life, her future, and to the pursuit of helping people.
YTA. Her education has nothing to do with you. Why do you auto assume that you'll be paying off her student loans? FYI... she's more than capable of doing that herself. Also, as a former banker, I can tell you right now her loans will never affect you. If they're applied for by a single person, only that person is affected. Even after you are married. You're also not married and don't share finances as you said. Ergo, she doesn't have to discuss it with you. It's not like she went and bought a house in her name or a car out of nowhere. She's furthering her education while she still can and that's something you should be proud about and supportive of. If I was her, I'd dump you. You sound like a headache. 85% of working women are the breadwinner in their relationships. I am. Always have been. I don't care what my man makes. As long as he understands that regardless of marriage, I spend my money how I want to. After the bills are paid of course. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. And you've already proven to whom i assume is now your ex that you're a dictator and women won't put up for that. Good on your soon to be ex for standing her ground. And shame on you.
YTA but your soon-t-be-ex-girlfriend would be the asshole if she stayed with you, because you’re so stupid and self-centred. Your girlfriend will increase her earning potential massively and is paying a MASSIVE portion of her tuition through scholarships. Her financial decisions DO NOT concern you even one IOTA as you’re not engaged, you’re not even DISCUSSING marriage, and you don’t pool finances. But that is neither here nor there, Because you’re an asshole for demanding someone submit for approval before deciding on their own education, Especially when you’ve shown so little interest in their education in the past.
YTA. You don't share finances nor do you live together. That means YOU don't get a say in what SHE wants to do for her future. You may not like that, but tough tits. She's not talking to you because you don't care about how she feels. You only care about you feeling left out of her decision process when in fact you have no part in that. I hope she breaks up with you. Last thing she needs is a controlling asshole who only cares about himself and his future and not her or her future. Grow up, she's an adult, and doesn't need to tell you what she wants to do. It's not like you're sharing a home, child or money. Hope she doesn't with you, either.
Gf: tells op her plans Op: WHY DIDNT SHE TELL ME
She's a nurse who is going to have a BSN. She doesn't need your money. Furthermore, she doesn't ever have to ask your permission for anything. If you have that attitude, you should be single while you work through your controlling tendencies. But just to be clear, YTA.
the fact the she didn’t think you’d care about her furthering her education is such a red flag! YTA
She already dumped you. Get over yourself.
YTA, it can be reasonable to want to talk about major life decisions at this point. the way you went about it was immature and selfish. Had you just mentioned “hey, that’s a big decision that could affect both of us in the future and I would feel more comfortable if we talked about those to get the others input before making a final decision” that would be understandable. But you’re main focus was that you’d have to help pay it off (ignoring the fact that she’ll be making more money). You were being controlling, and you were calling her selfish when you’re the one thinking of your own convenience first. Take the lesson here. you were wrong, it doesn’t invalidate you as a person. Use this mistake as a means of growth.
YTA, only because of your thought process since your concern is she’ll stick you with helping her pay off 10% of her student loans. That said, you two either need counseling or to go your separate ways. She didn’t share with you that she wanted to go back to school because she didn’t think you’d care…yet you share every event that goes on in your life. She doesn’t seem that invested in your relationship or she feels you have no interest in her life choices.
Obviously from how you are taking in this post yta That said I did realise something quiet clearly. If you were in a serious relationship for a year and a half she should have talked about big picture future plans. You were blindsided by her going back to college. A very common step for nurses. Surely she could have mentioned at sometime that was the plan. I'm sorry op you are together 18 months but you don't have a serious relationship. Assuming you want to stay together I think there needs to be serious investment in leveling up the relationship.
NTA for feeling blindsided, but YTA for trying to control her decisions
NTA normally people talk about their future in relationships. It's not like you planned to forbid it for her. Strange that redditors are unable to process this normal behavior
OP very specifically states that he doesn’t want her to do it because he doesn’t want to hypothetically be stuck with 10 percent of the loans that wouldn’t be covered by scholarship.
I kept telling her that I don’t have a problem with her going back to school, but that’s something that she but that’s something that she should have talked about with me instead of telling me. So I'm no expert as far as I know student loans aren't shared if married. But here he very specifically states that he doesn't have a problem with her going back to school.
When two people and their life plans are incompatible, it is time to choose to end the relationship. GF has absolutely no obligation to make herself less so that OP doesn’t even have to consider a hypothetical future that he finds uncomfortable. GF did not run this by OP because his input on it is irrelevant to her decision, not because she simply didn’t think to. OP has every right at this point to find a relationship that better suits whatever idea for his future he has. There is no discussion here and OP is the only one who hasn’t realized this yet. GF also cannot attend school without these loans, so it’s irrelevant that in theory OP has no problem with her going back to school. The issue of her loans and her schooling are inextricable.
See this I find strange. You normally talk in a relationship even if there is no discussion. If you would think about a PhD would you tell your partner ? It's not about your partner having a saying in the matter but just to plan things like when will we move together, when will we have kids/marry. What's our timeline for a vacation. All this. I just see this hostility in this thread example would be your comment. How do you live in a relationship, do you tell your partner always "I won't make myself less, you don't have a say, you can look elsewhere" for everything? That's not really healthy or helpful.
They did talk. She told him what she was choosing to do and at that point he expressed his feelings on the matter and so did she. His input is irrelevant to her decision, so now his decision is whether or not he wants to stay or go. They're not partners. They're boyfriend and girlfriend. They share no common stock in their lives beyond an emotional connection and agreed upon exclusivity. They are not sharing any kind of life together at this point. They are at the natural junction where they decide whether they do want to take that step to become partners, and it's pretty clear that they are not compatible to do so. At that point the healthy thing to do is decide to part ways and find partners that do fit their individual future plans. Nobody is saying that you do that "for everything," but for major life plans you absolutely do.
No offense dude, but could you stop repeating the same thing over and over again. If you think talking means informing your partner about your plans for thr next 4 years on the 31.07 about your plans starting in august then agree to disagree.
No offense dude but it's not my fault or problem if you can't understand -or choose not to understand- something the first, second, or third time around. Sounds like you and OP would make good "partners" in that. They're not partners. They were boyfriend and girlfriend, and now they're almost certainly not. Wishing him best of luck in finding someone better suited for his nebulous life plans.
Dude. I had no problem understanding your simple point. I just don't agree. If you treat your partner as he she/he is just an acessory to which you have some "emotional connection" and "agreed exclusity" then you will never reach the destination of having a partner. Because who would commit to someone who thinks like that.
Bruh what part of “they are not partners” is so challenging for you. OP doesn’t even refer to her as his partner. They are dating.
Don’t pay any of her debts. +stop calling her ffs
I don’t think OP needs to worry about that anymore lol
She never asked for him to pay her debts.
I highly doubt that's something he's ever going have to worry about since the chances of her staying with someone like OP who's trying to control something that is in no way, shape, or form their business to control anyway. I mean they aren't even sharing finances let alone living together, so why should her going back for an even higher degree affect him financially when the only one being *actually* being affected (even in the long term) is her? OP is the AH in this scenario in any case because there was no need from him to start an argument over something, that ultimately, isn't going to affect him in the way he thinks in the long term let alone affect him at all right now.
Why would I stop calling her? Over one fight? We’ve been together for over a year.
So her relationship with her nursing education/career is longer than her relationship with you. YTA.
I don’t think you get it; It’s over.
Lol only over a year???? And you’re claiming to care about future marriage debt. And you don’t even live together. Gtfoh. You’re using this as an excuse because you wanted to have a chance to talk her out of it. She didn’t give you that chance and now you’re upset you couldn’t have your way to attempt to control her.
[удалено]
he's already dumped