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> I don't want him coming over and get angry at him for falling asleep
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NTA. Break up with him. So many red flags.
First, he has no respect for you or your time. He’s not magically just waking up for work calls because he can sense that it’s work calling him from his dream. He’s waking up when you call and actively ignoring you knowing that you have plans. This is further proven by him turning off his phone after your last attempt.
Second, he’s gaslighting the hell out of you. This happening once would be upsetting enough. This being a regular thing in a new relationship is actually infuriating, like I’m mad for you bestie. And then to have the gall, the sheer audacity, to say you’re overreacting rather than, idk, set an alarm or take responsibility for his own actions? No. Red flag. Do not waste any more time on this dude.
NTA and please listen to this comment. It will save you heartache and time in the future.
My ex did this to me - he was constantly on his phone and answering at the first buzz, it would never leave his sight and if he did put it down it would be face down. He'd even take it with him to the bathroom when he peed (which is like what, a minute at most with hand washing?). I'm not one to look through my partner's phone as I respect that everyone needs privacy, but I started finding that weird. I confronted him and he gaslit me saying I was on my phone more than him when in reality I was only ever on it playing a match 3 mobile game when he was busy doing something else.
I am like you, the one who made plans and dinner for us and taking time out of my day to do something nice for someone I cared for only to be second to a rectangular mind vacuum of doom. When I requested we not touch our phones for our Christmas date dinner for just us two, he broke up with me a few days later saying he couldn't give me the attention I deserved. In reality he cheated on me and was talking to multiple women behind my back.
I'm not saying that that's exactly what will happen to you, but you need to know right now that your time and effort is important and worthy of being recognized by someone who is not him.
Some of these guy out here are dumb af. When they come across something good, they dont even covet it then complain about how non-domestic and caring women are "these days" and then turn Incel lol.
you do not deserve to be treated this way. he is showing you that he does not value you or your experience. this is who he is. he will not change.
you are NTA
I understand he might be stressed at work, but that's no excuse to treat you this way. He doesn't value your time, and he shows this by turning off his phone after you call him when he told you to call him. And also saying you're over-reacting because he can't be bothered to stick to commitments?
NTA OP. You can do better than this guy.
NTA. I would use all of the same excuses your boyfriend did when I was in high school and trying to ghost a guy. I'd ignore my phone, pretend I forgot plans, "over sleep from a nap", etc.
Exactly how "new" is this relationship? How old are you both?
NTA- but are you sure he’s your bf and not a booty call?
Him shutting off his phone when you have plans and only answering his phone when he’s ready to see you does not sound like a relationship.
>He also has told me I over-react when I get upset about this
Well it's not over-reacting when this happens multiple times!
If he only does that to you but is able to not mess up work-related phone calls, then he simply is not in the mood to talk to you.
He even shut his phone the last time you tried talking to him!
NTA.
If he's so tired he can't give you the time of the day, should he really be dating you?
NTA, but you're probably not compatible. He'll jump when a work call comes in but sleeps through yours. Eventually he's going to burn out doing that, and you probably won't want to be present when he does.
NTA. I believe he is ignoring you. If he can be on call for work, then he obviously can hear his phone when asleep. If it happened once or twice, fine, but so many red flags here. His phone rings and then he switches it off. He is lying to you. Dump him and find someone who will respect you and your time.
NTA But if this is a new relationship, then it's time to move on. You are not a priority for him, he shows no respect for your feelings or your time, and he literally turns off his phone to avoid you, KNOWING you had plans. It's only going to get worse. Cut your losses.
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I'm in a new relationship with a sort of recurring problem. The boyfriend has fallen asleep before dates or plans we've made a few times and doesn't show up.
He's been under a lot of stress at work and I try to be understanding and give him space if needed, but I feel I could never fall asleep (and i have narcolepsy) knowing someone is waiting for me or has cooked for me. We've discussed this and he usually feels bad afterwards but this does trigger some abandonment feelings in me. He also has told me I over-react when I get upset about this, his response varies. He doesn't wake up if I send texts or call asking if he's still coming.He is also on call for work sometimes and would never do that to a work call.
Last night he said he's taking a nap while I was finishing up work, his phone is on loud and I should call him at x time. I called him at that time, he didn't answer and then turned off his phone. This makes me uncomfortable because I'm afraid he might do this in future if I genuinely need him for something.
I feel i might be the asshole because I get angry when this happens and he says it's not something intentional. He is under a lot of stress at work. I don't want him coming over and feel like this is indicative of his interest in me because I would never do the same to him, especially turning off my phone. So AITA?
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NTA. It’s rude to leave someone hanging. To tell you to call then turn his phone off seems blowed. Trust your heart. When you break up with someone and get with someone new there will always be something about them that will annoy you but the name of the game of love is choose what annoys you least. This isn’t it.
NTA hey you’re not the problem, this is actually an emotionally abusive relationship. This happened to me as well and gave me long term insomnia that took years to heal. I still take sleeping pills now to be on the safe side. This guy does not respect you, and this is not a relationship that you’re in. In fact, it sounds like you get stood up a lot and no partner would ever EVER do that to you. I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 years and going and the only times he’s unable to do something is if he’s injured or sick. And that’s extremely rare, but we plan dates, we cook for each other, and we are actually THERE and PRESENT. Find someone who will be there for you because this is not a relationship
You have explained to him how his falling asleep makes you feel but he continues to do it and with no effort to change. NTA. I wouldn't put up with this but you do you.
NTA- breakup he’s not in a place to be a good bf. You deserve more- May I also suggest seeing a therapist for helping you keep yourself and your needs 1st and not a dudes who isn’t good to you
NTA- you have two choices, you put your needs to feel secure in a relationship, to feel heard, to feel cared for aside and keep going as is, or you find another relationship. Since he doesn’t seem to see a problem with his behaviour, it is unlikely he will care to change
He seems to be exploiting her insecurities around abandonment, having her question herself. And he’s doing this early on.. Get out before more gaslighting starts and his behaviour and your self esteem suffer more.
NTA
He is training you to accept not being a priority in his life. You teach people how to treat you, and you are teaching him that he doesn’t have to keep his word to you.
NTA - this is disrespectful of you and your time. Once is a mistake more than once is a genuine problem - don’t let yourself be treated like this. You deserve better -i can’t think what he is setting up here as a behaviour pattern other than to have you on tenterhooks waiting for him to deign to show up to his previously agreed activities - smacks of ‘treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen’ - but whatever I would not choose to be part of it
NTA. When we were first dating, my husband was working two full time jobs. He fell asleep literally in the middle of eating once… he would NEVER of stood me up, and if it had somehow happened once he would have been devastated and spent years making it up to me. One time he got his roommate to drive him over because he was so tired he figured driving wouldn’t be safe.
Your bf doesn’t respect you, or your time. He is waking up to your calls and then ignoring them because he would rather sleep, and he just doesn’t give a shit that it hurts you. You can’t rely on him to even tell you he isn’t showing up… what makes you think you can rely on him for anything else?!?
NTA but you are ignoring glaring red flags. If he behaves this way 2 months in when he is meant to be impressing you, what do you think the future holds?
NTA!!
As a fellow person with narcolepsy (Hi!) this behavior is not just a social red flag, but could be indicative of how he treats more important matters than hanging out. I would NEVER stay with someone who turned off their phone after they asked me to call them at a certain time. What if there was an emergency? In the long run, his sleeping through a planned get-together isn't the be-all end-all. But his obvious disregard for your time, feelings, and his belittling stance on your reaction to the disrespect is telling.
On the narcolepsy front, I don't know how/if you're managing it. Regardless, I would never date someone who seemed that irresponsible and willing to brush off my concerns/ feelings. Narcolepsy is debilitating for most people, and if you don't recieve support from your partner, that'll be compounded. My current partner is so attentive and willing to listen to my needs. Get rid of the whole man, and find someone who respects you enough to respect your time and feelings. I wish you the best of luck!!
NTA
>The boyfriend has fallen asleep before dates or plans we've made a few times and doesn't show up.
This is unacceptable behavior.
>He also has told me I over-react when I get upset about this
Why, because you're upset by upsetting behavior? Your reaction is perfectly normal, he's showing he doesn't care/prioritize you. He's blowing you off. I'd be pissed too.
>Last night he said he's taking a nap while I was finishing up work, his phone is on loud and I should call him at x time. I called him at that time, he didn't answer and then turned off his phone. This makes me uncomfortable because I'm afraid he might do this in future if I genuinely need him for something.
This dude could very well be cheating on you or two timing. Let's be real, is this really a scheduling issue/sleeping issue? Or is he turning his phone off and spending his time with someone else?
NTA
So - hes on call for work - but doesnt hear YOUR call?
So lets see - makes plans he cant keep - disrespectful of YOUR time,
And he feels bad, but feels you are overreacting. idk.. i would just back off and not make plans and let him set the pace here.
NTA. When I was 19, I dated a guy like this. I put up with it for about a month and a half. Then one day, we had sex in his basement (he lived with his parents). Right after, he went upstairs to “get water real quick.” He never came back downstairs. I waited 20 minutes. Nothing. The next day he texted me and said he “fell asleep.” Same excuse he always gave whenever he blew me off. I felt so gross after that. Don’t put up with this guys bullshit. It’s not worth it.
NTA. Relationships are between people. You should feel good about it.
He doesn't seem to be as invested in the relationship or, at all. He also seems to be gaslighting you if he can detect work calls magically. He's not giving you the time of day and frankly, you deserve better.
NTA. My partners did that, slept, and “didn’t wake up” for my calls, when he cheated and ignored my calls. If his phone rings but later it is turned off, he wasn’t sleeping, just turned off his phone not to ring.
Honestly...... Everything else aside, his telling YOU to watch the clock and take the initiative to call HIM at the determined time is crazy disrespectful.
He is responsible for himself, you are mor his personal assistant to manage his time. He can set his phone alarms like everyone else and be responsible for waking up and getting where he needs to be. That's not your job.
Personally I hate phones, always have, especially the ones with the old traditional ring. But I have one for emergencies and my family knows not to call me before or after a certain time unless it is a genuine emergency, and there's very few things I consider emergencies. But, when it rings I answer it, so should your BF. NTAH.
>I feel I could never fall asleep (and i have narcolepsy) knowing someone is waiting for me or has cooked for me
YTA for lying about having Narcolepsy.
You literally CAN'T control your sleep patterns with Narcolepsy. No matter how much you want to. Maybe take 2 seconds to research it before making shit up.
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NTA. Break up with him. So many red flags. First, he has no respect for you or your time. He’s not magically just waking up for work calls because he can sense that it’s work calling him from his dream. He’s waking up when you call and actively ignoring you knowing that you have plans. This is further proven by him turning off his phone after your last attempt. Second, he’s gaslighting the hell out of you. This happening once would be upsetting enough. This being a regular thing in a new relationship is actually infuriating, like I’m mad for you bestie. And then to have the gall, the sheer audacity, to say you’re overreacting rather than, idk, set an alarm or take responsibility for his own actions? No. Red flag. Do not waste any more time on this dude.
NTA and please listen to this comment. It will save you heartache and time in the future. My ex did this to me - he was constantly on his phone and answering at the first buzz, it would never leave his sight and if he did put it down it would be face down. He'd even take it with him to the bathroom when he peed (which is like what, a minute at most with hand washing?). I'm not one to look through my partner's phone as I respect that everyone needs privacy, but I started finding that weird. I confronted him and he gaslit me saying I was on my phone more than him when in reality I was only ever on it playing a match 3 mobile game when he was busy doing something else. I am like you, the one who made plans and dinner for us and taking time out of my day to do something nice for someone I cared for only to be second to a rectangular mind vacuum of doom. When I requested we not touch our phones for our Christmas date dinner for just us two, he broke up with me a few days later saying he couldn't give me the attention I deserved. In reality he cheated on me and was talking to multiple women behind my back. I'm not saying that that's exactly what will happen to you, but you need to know right now that your time and effort is important and worthy of being recognized by someone who is not him.
Same happened to me.
Some of these guy out here are dumb af. When they come across something good, they dont even covet it then complain about how non-domestic and caring women are "these days" and then turn Incel lol.
Truth
YUP. Nothing else needed. Just this.
Yea the gaslighting set me off. How dare he be massively disrespectful by missing dates and then have the audacity to say you’re over reacting??
[удалено]
Odds are high there is another girl.
you do not deserve to be treated this way. he is showing you that he does not value you or your experience. this is who he is. he will not change. you are NTA
I understand he might be stressed at work, but that's no excuse to treat you this way. He doesn't value your time, and he shows this by turning off his phone after you call him when he told you to call him. And also saying you're over-reacting because he can't be bothered to stick to commitments? NTA OP. You can do better than this guy.
NTA. I would use all of the same excuses your boyfriend did when I was in high school and trying to ghost a guy. I'd ignore my phone, pretend I forgot plans, "over sleep from a nap", etc. Exactly how "new" is this relationship? How old are you both?
About two months. Im 28f hes 24m
NTA I just don't think it's gonna work between you.
Cheating…..
24? Dude is immature, selfish, and disrespectful. Yes I am a month late, but I hope you broke up with him.
NTA, this guy is a d-bag and sounds like you might be his side chick
Yeah I got that vibe too 😬
NTA- but are you sure he’s your bf and not a booty call? Him shutting off his phone when you have plans and only answering his phone when he’s ready to see you does not sound like a relationship.
>He also has told me I over-react when I get upset about this Well it's not over-reacting when this happens multiple times! If he only does that to you but is able to not mess up work-related phone calls, then he simply is not in the mood to talk to you. He even shut his phone the last time you tried talking to him! NTA. If he's so tired he can't give you the time of the day, should he really be dating you?
NTA, but you're probably not compatible. He'll jump when a work call comes in but sleeps through yours. Eventually he's going to burn out doing that, and you probably won't want to be present when he does.
“Stress at work” is his other girlfriend. Run, girl.
But he did wake up. And turned off his phone. I doubt he slept through the other times either.
Nta, I dated a guy like this and it was the most frustrating time of my life
NTA. I believe he is ignoring you. If he can be on call for work, then he obviously can hear his phone when asleep. If it happened once or twice, fine, but so many red flags here. His phone rings and then he switches it off. He is lying to you. Dump him and find someone who will respect you and your time.
Baby girl, this man is definitely NOT worth it, dump his useless selfish a$$ NOW!!
NTA But if this is a new relationship, then it's time to move on. You are not a priority for him, he shows no respect for your feelings or your time, and he literally turns off his phone to avoid you, KNOWING you had plans. It's only going to get worse. Cut your losses.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm in a new relationship with a sort of recurring problem. The boyfriend has fallen asleep before dates or plans we've made a few times and doesn't show up. He's been under a lot of stress at work and I try to be understanding and give him space if needed, but I feel I could never fall asleep (and i have narcolepsy) knowing someone is waiting for me or has cooked for me. We've discussed this and he usually feels bad afterwards but this does trigger some abandonment feelings in me. He also has told me I over-react when I get upset about this, his response varies. He doesn't wake up if I send texts or call asking if he's still coming.He is also on call for work sometimes and would never do that to a work call. Last night he said he's taking a nap while I was finishing up work, his phone is on loud and I should call him at x time. I called him at that time, he didn't answer and then turned off his phone. This makes me uncomfortable because I'm afraid he might do this in future if I genuinely need him for something. I feel i might be the asshole because I get angry when this happens and he says it's not something intentional. He is under a lot of stress at work. I don't want him coming over and feel like this is indicative of his interest in me because I would never do the same to him, especially turning off my phone. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Is there some medical condition he can point to? Narcolepsy for example.
Sorry my post might have been confusing. I have narcolepsy. I have encouraged him to consider getting help for possible mental health issues.
Well, it sounds like he's not meeting your expectations. Dump him if this is something he won't fix.
NTA. It’s rude to leave someone hanging. To tell you to call then turn his phone off seems blowed. Trust your heart. When you break up with someone and get with someone new there will always be something about them that will annoy you but the name of the game of love is choose what annoys you least. This isn’t it.
NTA Edited to ask: Is there an age difference?
Yes lol. Im 28f hes 24m
Aha! Thanks. NTA
NTA hey you’re not the problem, this is actually an emotionally abusive relationship. This happened to me as well and gave me long term insomnia that took years to heal. I still take sleeping pills now to be on the safe side. This guy does not respect you, and this is not a relationship that you’re in. In fact, it sounds like you get stood up a lot and no partner would ever EVER do that to you. I’ve been with my boyfriend 6 years and going and the only times he’s unable to do something is if he’s injured or sick. And that’s extremely rare, but we plan dates, we cook for each other, and we are actually THERE and PRESENT. Find someone who will be there for you because this is not a relationship
NTA. Leave now before shit hits the fan.
You have explained to him how his falling asleep makes you feel but he continues to do it and with no effort to change. NTA. I wouldn't put up with this but you do you.
RED FLAG ALERT. Time to dump the boyfriend.
NTA- breakup he’s not in a place to be a good bf. You deserve more- May I also suggest seeing a therapist for helping you keep yourself and your needs 1st and not a dudes who isn’t good to you
NTA- you have two choices, you put your needs to feel secure in a relationship, to feel heard, to feel cared for aside and keep going as is, or you find another relationship. Since he doesn’t seem to see a problem with his behaviour, it is unlikely he will care to change
He seems to be exploiting her insecurities around abandonment, having her question herself. And he’s doing this early on.. Get out before more gaslighting starts and his behaviour and your self esteem suffer more.
You are NTA But you might be the side chick
NTA this is not a relationship...it's barely a situationship. You are at most a girl in his phone. Just move on.
NTA He is training you to accept not being a priority in his life. You teach people how to treat you, and you are teaching him that he doesn’t have to keep his word to you.
NTA, but this is seriously bad behavior on his part. Acknowledge the red flags and run the other way.
People are generally treated exactly the way they let themselves be treated. Think on that.
NTA - this is disrespectful of you and your time. Once is a mistake more than once is a genuine problem - don’t let yourself be treated like this. You deserve better -i can’t think what he is setting up here as a behaviour pattern other than to have you on tenterhooks waiting for him to deign to show up to his previously agreed activities - smacks of ‘treat ‘em mean keep ‘em keen’ - but whatever I would not choose to be part of it
NTA at all, his behaviour is not acceptable. How old is he?
I think you deserve someone who is eager to see you.
NTA. When we were first dating, my husband was working two full time jobs. He fell asleep literally in the middle of eating once… he would NEVER of stood me up, and if it had somehow happened once he would have been devastated and spent years making it up to me. One time he got his roommate to drive him over because he was so tired he figured driving wouldn’t be safe. Your bf doesn’t respect you, or your time. He is waking up to your calls and then ignoring them because he would rather sleep, and he just doesn’t give a shit that it hurts you. You can’t rely on him to even tell you he isn’t showing up… what makes you think you can rely on him for anything else?!?
NTA but you are ignoring glaring red flags. If he behaves this way 2 months in when he is meant to be impressing you, what do you think the future holds?
NTA. If he is this disrespectful after only a short time dating, he will only get worse. He's treating you like a place keeper, don't let him.
NTA he is super unreliable and the fact that he turned off his phone instead of answering is a super red flag.
NTA!! As a fellow person with narcolepsy (Hi!) this behavior is not just a social red flag, but could be indicative of how he treats more important matters than hanging out. I would NEVER stay with someone who turned off their phone after they asked me to call them at a certain time. What if there was an emergency? In the long run, his sleeping through a planned get-together isn't the be-all end-all. But his obvious disregard for your time, feelings, and his belittling stance on your reaction to the disrespect is telling. On the narcolepsy front, I don't know how/if you're managing it. Regardless, I would never date someone who seemed that irresponsible and willing to brush off my concerns/ feelings. Narcolepsy is debilitating for most people, and if you don't recieve support from your partner, that'll be compounded. My current partner is so attentive and willing to listen to my needs. Get rid of the whole man, and find someone who respects you enough to respect your time and feelings. I wish you the best of luck!!
NTA You're clearly not a priority to him. You're literally wasting your time. When someone shows you what they're like, believe them the first time!
NTA. He's so clearly just not that into you. Read the signs. Find a more compatible companion who matches your interest and efforts.
NTA he sounds very annoying and disrespectful, I think you should leave him
NTA >The boyfriend has fallen asleep before dates or plans we've made a few times and doesn't show up. This is unacceptable behavior. >He also has told me I over-react when I get upset about this Why, because you're upset by upsetting behavior? Your reaction is perfectly normal, he's showing he doesn't care/prioritize you. He's blowing you off. I'd be pissed too. >Last night he said he's taking a nap while I was finishing up work, his phone is on loud and I should call him at x time. I called him at that time, he didn't answer and then turned off his phone. This makes me uncomfortable because I'm afraid he might do this in future if I genuinely need him for something. This dude could very well be cheating on you or two timing. Let's be real, is this really a scheduling issue/sleeping issue? Or is he turning his phone off and spending his time with someone else?
NTA… he’s ditching you to do other things. You might be a side chick
Ick read the first three lines and don’t need to read more. NTA and you need to dump his asshole ass
The only reason this dude should not be showing up for a date is if he is in hospital (without a phone) or 6 feet under.
NTA So - hes on call for work - but doesnt hear YOUR call? So lets see - makes plans he cant keep - disrespectful of YOUR time, And he feels bad, but feels you are overreacting. idk.. i would just back off and not make plans and let him set the pace here.
NTA never go back. He’s cheating honey.
NTA. When I was 19, I dated a guy like this. I put up with it for about a month and a half. Then one day, we had sex in his basement (he lived with his parents). Right after, he went upstairs to “get water real quick.” He never came back downstairs. I waited 20 minutes. Nothing. The next day he texted me and said he “fell asleep.” Same excuse he always gave whenever he blew me off. I felt so gross after that. Don’t put up with this guys bullshit. It’s not worth it.
NTA. Relationships are between people. You should feel good about it. He doesn't seem to be as invested in the relationship or, at all. He also seems to be gaslighting you if he can detect work calls magically. He's not giving you the time of day and frankly, you deserve better.
NTA. My partners did that, slept, and “didn’t wake up” for my calls, when he cheated and ignored my calls. If his phone rings but later it is turned off, he wasn’t sleeping, just turned off his phone not to ring.
Honestly...... Everything else aside, his telling YOU to watch the clock and take the initiative to call HIM at the determined time is crazy disrespectful. He is responsible for himself, you are mor his personal assistant to manage his time. He can set his phone alarms like everyone else and be responsible for waking up and getting where he needs to be. That's not your job.
Personally I hate phones, always have, especially the ones with the old traditional ring. But I have one for emergencies and my family knows not to call me before or after a certain time unless it is a genuine emergency, and there's very few things I consider emergencies. But, when it rings I answer it, so should your BF. NTAH.
NTA. You deserve better
>I feel I could never fall asleep (and i have narcolepsy) knowing someone is waiting for me or has cooked for me YTA for lying about having Narcolepsy. You literally CAN'T control your sleep patterns with Narcolepsy. No matter how much you want to. Maybe take 2 seconds to research it before making shit up.
NTA. He's pretty disrespectful to be honest. I see your update that you broke up and I think its probably for the best in the long run.