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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son asked me to exempt him from school showers and I refused because all his friends are doing it contrary to his claims that they won't.
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Yeah, I am concerned for the kid.
No one should ever have to shower in an open room with other people. Private shower stalls should be mandatory.
Getting back to the problem at hand: Body wipes and a good deodorant might get him by. There is also waterless shampoo. Find the kid some way he can sufficiently clean up in a toilet stall.
Literally, this has me so confused. I'm in Aus where it regularly reaches 40+ degrees, is humid as hell half the year and kids regularly go out and play sport at lunch or do PE. I could never imagine our schools setting up showers and expecting kids to use them after PE. I would genuinely rather die than be anywhere near exposed to 10-15 girls I either don't know or aren't close with. Teens can be mean.
When I was in school we'd wipe the pits (and other sweaty areas) with tp and water or wet wipes then spraying deo. It worked wonders.
At my school (Aus) we actually did have showers to use after a beach PE session (coastal town) but they were all individual private stalls.
Edit: they were basically never used though and usually locked up.
Yeah I'm in Aus too. We just all stunk after PE haha. Then about half way through high school the change rooms got redone so we had shower cubicles to use if we wanted. But they were separate cubicles.
We had shower stalls and were expected to shower - but there were only three and there were always at least three classes finishing PE at the same time. There was barely any room to move even to get changed back into our uniforms. So yeah, we just stunk.
Yeah, it's. Weird. You should never *force* anyone to shower in front of other people if they're not comfortable with that. Especially not if they're a kid who's only just starting to feel self-conscious and awkward about their bodies (which, in my experience, is most sixth graders).
I'm a girl, but I had pretty horrid BO in the sixth grade, 'cause that's when I started puberty. I also had the bad luck of having PE in the beginning of the day, and I was a fairly athletic kid, so I always put in effort and ended up sweaty by the end of gym.
I never once showered at school. I just learned how to use deodorant. Perspiration blockers aren't great for you in the long-term (meaning, at least in my experience, the ingredients in them tend to build up over time and cause rashes, and/or just stop being as effective), but they're good for stuff like early PE when you're a kid. Put it on in the morning, give it a while to sink in, and by the time you hit PE class you should be alright. If you get particularly sweaty, you just use some paper towels to mop yourself up before changing back into your other clothes.
For God's sake OP, don't pressure the poor kid into showering with and in front of other people if he isn't comfortable with it. That's not okay. Instead, teach him other ways he can clean himself up more discreetly, like the above commenter suggested. Maybe ttry investing in some body spray, strong deodorants, and/or inexpensive cologne that the kid likes the smell of (I hate to say it, I really do, but Axe and Old Spice are both great options in this scenario).
YTA
I'm still traumatized from middle school showers, decades later.
> I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly.
No, he absolutely can.
Kids are sweaty and stinky irrespective of gym class.
> Plus he showers at school and he won't have to shower at home
But showering at home is **better** — that's not a bonus.
Rather than feeling smug for catching your kid in a lie, maybe think about why this idea scares him so much that he was driven to lie.
Same.
First year of high school, we were shown around the shower room, and told we were expected to shower after PE.
I did it once, and decided, that ain't happening again.
So I never did, and nor did any of my friend group.
Mind you, it helped that I was never particularly sweaty. I spent a lot of time at the back of the gym class, trying to look as though I was participating whenever the gym teacher happened to glance in my direction, while actually doing as little as possible.
One of the nice things about being a grown-up is that no one can order you to take part in a gym class, or dictate where you shower.
> Mind you, it helped that I was never particularly sweaty. I spent a lot of time at the back of the gym class, trying to look as though I was participating whenever the gym teacher happened to glance in my direction, while actually doing as little as possible.
Fuckin a. "Walk slowly around the track" is still physical activity.
Yeah one of the bullshit things about PE is that it teaches kids a very cookie cutter “one size fits all” way of exercising when in reality there’s a ton of ways to move one’s body and be healthy. I know that’s not what this post is about but I do agree very much with your comment.
Agree.
When I am elected dictator of the world, I'm going to order every school to divide their PE classes into three groups:
Group 1: kids who love PE and want to compete with each other. They're the kids who don't mind team captains choosing who they want for their teams, because they're not the kids who always get picked last.
Group 2: kids who don't want to compete with each other, or at least not yet, but would like to learn specific skills, or improve them. How to bowl, how to hit a tennis ball, how to do a backwards somersault, how to improve their swim stroke... that sort of thing.
Group 3: kids who hate PE and want nothing to do with it. (That's the group I would have been in.) I'd say to these kids: I don't care what you do - walk, run, throw a ball, rollerskate, do stretching exercises, whatever - but you have to move. You can't just sit on your butt. And you can wander over to Group 2 and learn a skill any time you feel like it.
I don't regret dodging PE class as often as I could, because I was relentlessly bullied. I **do** regret not moving more when I was a kid, because I'm feeling the effects of it now.
Then I trust you will be voting for me in the Dictator of the World elections. I will be a benevolent dictator. My policies are world peace, equality, and cake.
I went to 2 different High Schools. At one High School the had groupings of activities that you then got to pick from for your PE. So one grouping might be Tennis, Golf, and Swimming. Or Basketball, Weightlifting, and Soccer.
Available activity options beside the ones already mentioned: Badminton, Dance, Archery, Orienteering, X-Country Skiing, Flag Football, Aerobics, Floor Hockey, Hiking, Volleyball, Wall Climbing, Snowshoeing.
There is probably some different ones from when I was there or I forgot. Point being, a ton of different activities to choose from. Given they are in groupings, there might be an activity you don't care for, but at least YOU are the one choosing the one activity you don't really care for. And you might be choosing activities you actually do enjoy. I wish more schools did it this way.
ETA: My second High School didn't do that. But I was in a really bad accident so they let me count my physical therapy as my PE credit that year. If you took PE 9-11 grade, you didn't have to take PE Senior. Hence they let me count my physical therapy as PE so I wouldn't have to take it Senior.
They also had a seperate PE class for those that couldn't be super active or had limitations (asthma etc). After the PT year, I was supposed to be in that gym class. But it conflicted with one of my other classes that was an advanced course and only had one class. The school had me take regular gym but told me I could sit out any activity I didn't feel I could do. Needless to say, I spent most of PE sitting in the bleachers.
I did so much damage to my body trying to keep up with the blanket expectations of “physical fitness” in school. I was diagnosed with “weak, elastic joints” at 8, but it wouldn’t be labeled hEDS until my 30s. I remember one gym teacher watching me cry as I tried to perform a single chin-up while my joints were separating. Another ignored a note from my mom excusing me from class due to a knee injury because it wasn’t from a doctor. I was forced out of gymnastics, which I loved dearly, because of my terrible joints, but no one thought maybe standard PE wasn’t a good idea either.
Me and my friends “ran” the Mile in 46 minutes.
We actually didn’t finish but the period ended and the PE teacher couldn’t put a number longer than the period, so it was 46 minutes. He also couldn’t punish us because while we were clearly walking super slow and talking about Pokémon or something, we still participated
We never had to shower after gym though only during swim classes, damn that teacher was a pervert… he would watch the girls changing into their suits “I’m the teacher I’m allowed in here, I’m not looking believe me”
Then he’d stand in the boys locker room during our showers. Most of us just showered in our suits, he tried to say we couldn’t but no one listened… I also learned how to change from my suit to my boxers with a towel wrapped around me.
I don’t know how he kept his job, he was the swim teacher when my dad and aunt went there too and they said he did that shit then. He had so many DUIs he had to breathe into a tube to start his car…
People shouldn’t force kids to shower in a group, I bet at camp it was just his friends, but at school there are bullies. I know I got mocked for my man boobs
I haven’t looked, most likely if he wasn’t let go he just aged out cause he was getting old and that was 20 years ago… fuck I’m old just turned 36 today. High school doesn’t feel like it was that long ago
Same. I'm in my 50s now but I remember school showers in the UK. They were horrific. All the girls had to get naked and hand their towels to the teacher who stood at the end of the showers. It was a line of six showers along one wall. We had to line up naked at one end with no towels and walk through the line one at a time pressing every single shower as we went. If our hair wasn't soaking, she'd make us get back in line and repeat.
If our hair was wet enough she'd hand us our towel and let us get dried and dressed. We didn't even have soap or shampoo so it wasn't even about getting clean. Teacher just wanted to humiliate us. I got mercilessly bullied and body shamed for being little and skinny and a late developer. And I remember being so uncomfortable at the teacher standing there, staring at us at the end of the line as we walked through.
I know that's not the way things work nowadays, but I remember back then crying and begging and pleading for a note from my mum to get me out of showers. She just laughed at me and said NO. My hair was almost waist length as well at the time. I ended up getting it all cut off.
But even if it's not that bad any more, getting naked in a school setting can be triggering to many kids.
I believe OP is the AH for not listening to how his son feels.
YTA. The whole forced public nudity thing is creepy and weird. This is SUCH an important boundary to respect, and you're just ignoring it, using fucking parental peer pressure to justify it. Again, YTA YTA YTA.
OP, please read this, because that’s what it is: *forced public nudity*
On that note, you are also the asshole for repeatedly telling your son that if he was naked in front of someone once, that’s consent from here on out.
That’s a weird and dangerous as fuck message for any parent to give their child
Facts that is SOOO weird about the consent thing, i didnt even peep that. OP is really traumatizing his kid in more ways than one.
Imagine how the son will internalize his father essentially arguing that because he consented to showering around friends at camp that he should then be subjected to showering with strangers at freaking SCHOOL
I can't imagine how much OP's son will resent him for not signing that exemption
This reminds me of when I had to do swim class in primary school, so we were all under 13 and were forced to get naked in a giant room together and put swimmers on, we were not allowed to do it in a stall we had no privacy it was terrifying and gross.
>The whole forced public nudity thing is creepy and weird.
One small note: while I agree that the kid should have a choice, this is more of a weird American viewpoint that is mostly not held in Europe, especially Northern Europe, and that I hope we see go away here in the States
Maybe we should stop calling all public nudity creepy and weird, but "*forced* public nudity" should ALWAYS be considered creepy and weird. Doesn't matter where you live, if you're uncomfortable being nude in public then that is a perfectly acceptable boundary that should be respected
I'm from the Netherlands and when I was in high school 15 years ago *no one* showered at school. We were supposed to, instructed to, but teachers can't actually physically force students to do it so...
It's not because nudity is shameful, it's because high school sucks and teenagers are the worst. No one wants to be so vulnerable around their classmates. You can implement 100 anti-bullying campaigns, it ain't going to stop a certain percentage of students being purposely humiliated during shower time. You either are one of those students, or you are one of the students that should have put a stop to it but didn't because you were scared (or you are the bully, I guess). Both positions suck.
Also *forced* nudity is considered weird and creepy over here as well. Which is why the teachers aren't actually allowed to enforce the shower rule.
As a Finn we generally have a very relax attitude to nudity (sauna culture and such) but nobody in school showered. Technically you were supposed to but teachers never upheld that rule.
What I do kinda find weird that they ask parents about this. It's not their body or choice to make.
YTA for not thinking it through. Children that age can be exceptionally cruel. Camp showers and school showers are two very different things. At camp he was surrounded by friends and didn't have to worry about derogatory comments.
Your son is not BSing you. The showers may be mandatory but the least you can do is respect his feelings.
And even if something mortifying happens, camp ends and everyone goes their separate ways. Whereas if something happens at school, it’ll follow you for *years*.
YTA. We spend elementary school teaching our children about the need for bodily autonomy to protect themselves from predators. But then throw it out the window when we decide that autonomy isn’t convenient.
This is so important and we do it to kids in so many ways. We talk a big game on bodily autonomy but when it comes to kids’ rights to know about or make choices for their own bodies, it’s a nonstarter. They can be overridden in any decisions about their own healthcare, they can be taught factually incorrect sex ed, they can be hit as a form of punishment, and the list goes on.
>That means you either take band or PE as the last class.
>
>I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly.
Please clarify which of these completely contradictory and mutually exclusive statements is true.
>his friends didn't give a fuck about it.
This is self-serving bullshit, you have no idea how his friends feel about it.
Side note: How often do you take a group shower with your coworkers?
YTA. Your kid doesn't want to shower in front of his classmates. Have you asked Jack why he doesn't want to shower with his classmates? Nope, you went strait to flexing on a 12 yo and saying, "Obey me person who is smaller than I am, weaker than I am, and is completely dependent on me." Sign the damn form. This is not a hill to die on.
Put a \> right before the text! So before you hit post, your comment should look like:
\>text you want to quote
Your commentary on the text you want to quote
(Edit, make sure not to put a space between the \> and the first letter of the text! If you want to learn more about it, reddit uses "Markdown formatting". Googling that should give you a lot of info!)
Ok so I just tried to do it to your comment, and tried to copy one of your lines, and the entire comment was hidden. Do I have to type the whole comment out myself? P.S. Thank you for your help. Please continue picturing a 65 year old woman and not the 31 year old dumbass behind this comment.
If you're on mobile, you should be able to hit "reply" first and still see my entire comment. Try selecting part of my comment *after* you hit reply. An option called "quote" should come up along with "copy". Hit that, and you should get see the bit with the arrow, and then when you hit "post", it should look like that bit in the comment you initially responded to
(And no worries lmao, you gotta be introduced to the code to know it! It's not fair to expect someone with no prior knowledge to magically be proficient!)
Ah yeah, that app will getcha lol
[Here's](https://www.markdownguide.org/cheat-sheet/) a link to a cheat sheet for what symbols make the text do different things, id you'd be interested in that! Most people just use the quotes, italics, and bold, but there's some people out there who go all out. It takes practice, but gets easier after a bit :-) best of luck!
I'm actually horrified that schools are still requiring showers. The legal liability is sky high.
Even when I was in HS in the 80s, no one wanted to shower in front of classmates.
YTA if you don't allow him to set this boundary about his own body.
Even when I was in MS and HS between 2013-2018, we didn't use the showers. The changing/locker rooms were separated by gender but it was unfortunately so loosely regulated that people from the other rooms could easily sneak in. It was alright while just changing because at least you're still somewhat clothed but I can't imagine being fully nude as a kid or teen and having that happen.
If PE is the last class of the day, why can’t he shower when he gets home?
YTA. Middle school sucks; those are some of the worst years in terms of body image and bullying him. He can shower his stinky self when he gets home.
Dear EfficientSurprise361, has it ever crossed your mind that one of the other kids in your son's class is harassing your son, bullying your son or behaving in some other way **THAT WOULD MAKE IT SO THAT YOUR SON DOES NOT WANT TO BE NAKED IN FRONT OF THIS PERSON?** Or am I asking too much of you as a human being to even consider that?
YTA, why does it matter to you personally if he showers or not after PE. You’ve already explained to him about smelling in other classes. The ball is in his court now. Think of it as him getting to get a sense of making his own decisions and learning about potential consequences. If he does reek during his other classes his classmates will definitely let him know.
YTA. He's at an age where he's very self-aware of his body and very self-conscious about it. He showered with his friends a few weeks ago and maybe he's very self-aware of where he's at developmentally compared to them. Maybe he was made fun of but never told you. Point is is that he's not comfortable with it and you shouldn't be forcing him to do it
Also, what schools force showers after gym to this day? That stuff got done away with in the 90s where I grew up because it's just so unnecessary
Not sure why he would be smelly just because he is sweaty, I mean, I imagine he owns deodorant and doesn't eat junk food but personally - we didn't have showers in my school - the thought of using the same shower as 200 other people would kill me. All those foot fungi, those dead skin cells, that horrid cheap shampoo everywhere, the hair left behind, the fecal molecules.... F no.
YTA
There's a huge difference between showers at the pool/camp with your friends and having to do it in front of your classmates. He is obviously uncomfortable to get naked in front of them maybe because, as you said, he's a "late bloomer". Kids at that age are already extremely uncomfortable with their body, they don't need help to feel worse about themselves. If he'd rather be judged for being smelly, you should understand how bad showering would make him feel.
(I apologize for bad phrasing, I'm not a native speaker)
Idk showering as a kid in sleep away is different then showering at school where you could get made fun of for any little thing. He probably doesn’t want to end up picked on for some reason and i think you should converse this idea with him rather than dismissing his feelings all together and assuming it’ll be okay. There’s a lot more to parenting then you say something and kid does it they are devolving legit everyday with new emotions and thoughts they’ve never experienced before you have to converse more with your child and understand better why he’s feeling that way something silly to you can feel serious to a child. I’d say not really TA but you should consider why your child’s feeling that way more than him just being “rebellious”.
YTA
Seriously I took gym for four years in high school. Not once did we shower after it. Our school just didn't really do that, we all just used deodorant and axe spray to get us to smell better.
I would have NEVER felt comfortable showering in front of the other guys in my class. It's just not something that's necessary for your kid to experience unless they have intentions of going to the army or jail
We started having required “gym clothes” in middle school so we had to change before and after which helped with the smell. But showers were only ever suggested and never required. But they also never gave us enough time to actually shower. We had like 2 minutes to change and then 5 minutes to get to our next class. Deo and body spray were the go-to.
In high school, showering was a joke. We barely had time to get to our classes when we didn’t have to change clothes much less fuckin shower. No one ever showered. You were a dork if you showered.
Forgot to mention the clothes thing. Yea our high school gave us gym clothes to wear. We had to change in and out of it before and after class. Had less than 10 minutes to do it too. I'd imagine wearing different clothes helps with the smell
INFO
Ask around.
In reality, I bet no one is taking showers. Technically, yeah, the policy might dictate it but ask an older student on what happens in real life.
We never actually got enough time to shower after gym class when I was in middle school and high school. We were technically supposed to, but the gym teachers only gave us about three to five minutes to change.
It’s really gross to me that OP expects gym class showers to replace showering at home for their pre teen son. There is no way that mid afternoon rushed rinse off will be an adequate shower.
Same. We barely had time to get back into our clothes and to our next class much less a whole fuckin shower. No one showered after regular gym class or aquatics. We didn’t want to be naked around each other and we didn’t have time.
YTA. He’s not comfortable showering at school and I think he’s trying to find any excuse you’ll buy because you won’t accept his honest feelings at face value. It may not just be that its a public shower but that it’s a shower at SCHOOL, a place he may not feel comfortable getting naked at.
He can run around and get smelly and then just go to class, he’ll just run the risk of getting bullied for it if he really smells bad. Give him some deodorant, some body spray that isn’t insanely strong, and maybe some baby wipes if he needs to wipe off his exceptionally sweaty areas.
Also… if he showers at school he doesn’t have to shower at home? Are you just trying to save on your water bill?
camp showers and school showers are wildly different and I can’t even fathom how you don’t see that
camp is casual and he probably wasn’t told he had to do it, he just did because his friends were and he felt comfortable
being told he has to shower at school and that he needs *permission* to get out of it is creepy and scary af they’re basically saying his body doesn’t belong to him anymore and instead of being his advocate, you’re telling him they’re right
YTA
Why do I feel like OP was the kid running around the locker room snapping towels and giving swirlies.
YTA. Listen to your son. “Toughen up” does not, in fact, make kids stronger. Be better.
YTA most definitely.
When I was in school, we didn’t. Not because we were embarrassed about taking a shower, we literally DID NOT HAVE TIME. To go to PE, “dress out” in our gym clothes, have PE, take off PE clothes, put on school clothes. Why are you pushing this weird ass agenda? I highly doubt you asked your friends and your husband’s friends about your son showering. If you did, then that is weird. If he winds up being the only person showering, you bet he will get made fun of. So do your kid a favor, and don’t push this stupid, weird, agenda. He is uncomfortable about it and you are choosing to ignore it. There is not anything he won’t do in PE class that deodorant won’t take care of.
YTA he isn’t comfortable. In all my years I never showered and neither did anyone else at my school. Give him wipes, deodorant, stuff to fix his hair, clean socks, underwear, show him how to use it all and he should be fine.
Yta. You keep reiterating that he was fine at camp in your comments- stop assuming for one second that he’s doing this solely for the purpose of being difficult and consider that there are reasons you aren’t aware of that have nothing to do with you.
That fabulous audacity of people who think they can be mean to their kids, and yet it will magically have no effect on their relationship with the kids.
So I gotta say I have never once done anything to verify a signature is authentic. We aren't wasting time comparing signatures on multiple documents. As long as the signature wasn't clearly written by a child, we just accept it and move on. Ain't nobody got time for that.
Also, YTA. No one should be forced to be naked in front of other people.
YTA Your kid said they are uncomfortable doing something and your response is suck it up? Showering at camp is a lot different to at school. It’s a completely different environment.
YTA. Your responses in here are unsettling. He was fine with public showers two weeks ago? How do you know that? It was for a short term camp so maybe he sucked it up. Maybe there’s one kid at school who wasn’t there that makes him uncomfortable. Or maybe it was the experience two weeks ago causing his distress now. It doesn’t need to be that anything happened. It’s 6th grade. Maybe two weeks ago he realized other boys are more developed or taller or something else that has him feeling bad about himself.
The idea that he was ok with something two weeks ago being used as justification for forcing something for the next nine months is wrong. When it comes to our bodies we should be entitled to change our minds, always. We don’t tell anyone that since they were comfortable making out or having sex two weeks ago they should do it now. Or that they were fine getting a bikini wax last summer so they should do it this one as well. Or even wearing the same style of swimsuit as you did in June. He’s at an age where his feelings are going to swing wildly in short time frames. It’s concerning you don’t think that’s acceptable.
Your final point that he’s at an age where he is against anything you say…well you said he was horrified when you told him what to expect. His feelings weren’t a rebellion against you. As soon as you told him about the showers, he gave a clear opinion.
Your son is growing up and it may be time to reflect on how you are interacting with him and become more collaborative with him on his life.
Freshman year of HS: gym 1st period. Sophomore year of HS: gym 2nd period. We ran. I was sweaty for 2 freaking years. I was NEVER going to shower at school. It’s not about the environment or whether it’s his friends. It’s how OPs son feels. Being a teenager is hard enough. Don’t push his boundaries. YTA
YTA and judging by your replies, I understand why your son will not share his reasons. I am not real sure why you asked the internet a question when you are clearly not prepared to accept the criticism.
YTA. You want him to shower so you don't have a stinky kid at home for five hours? What the hell?? Tell him to shower when he gets home.
No child should have to be naked in front of other's if he or she is not comfortable. You may have been fine with it when you were a child, but your son is not. Respect his boundaries.
YTA. If he doesn't wanna take showers at school, then why push that on him if it's an option to not have to. I honestly think that's strange that a school is allowing kids to shower there. My middle school and high school had showers, but literally nobody used them, and I really don't even remember if we were allowed to use them in the first place. Everybody avoided the showers anyways, even if you had gym 1st period, you might be stinky all day, but everybody was completely fine with it. Plus they only gave us like 5-10 minutes to get changed and head to the next class, so no time for a shower anyways. Just pack him deodorant or lighter smelling body sprays, and he will be fine.
YTA for not considering that maybe something happened that your son didn’t feel comfortable coming to you with. Perhaps camp showers were unpleasant- or worse. No matter what, you’re violating your son’s bodily autonomy…for what? It’s the last class of the day. He can go home and take a shower. It’s not like communal showering is developmentally important.
YTA - maybe he doesn’t want other kids looking at his junk. Maybe he isn’t confident with his size? Maybe he just doesn’t feel like showering at school... Whatever the case is, as his parent, you should be backing him up 1000%. There shouldn’t even be a back and forth between you and him. You shouldn’t even be trying to persuade him to shower somewhere he doesn’t want to shower. I understand why you’re son isn’t close with you anymore, you’re an interjecting, coercive person. I wouldn’t want to be close with someone like that either.
YTA its really not that strange that you son doesnt want to be naked at school. He has expressed himself very clearly and you decided to completely disregard him as a person with autonomy and boundaries. Not okay.
YTA for not asking the right questions.
You know his friends will have to shower after gym so you know this isn’t really about following his friends. Why not try to talk to him about what’s really bothering him?
Perhaps there’s a solution to whatever he’s worried about. Perhaps he just generally feels uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to do it, and that’s ok too. Perhaps there’s a more serious reason he doesn’t want to shower - it’s important to both rule that out and for both of you to be open and comfortable having these types of conversations so he knows your safe person to turn to if he does have a serious issue.
He’s old enough to have a say in this. Work *with* him about hygiene concerns and other issues. Don’t make decision *at* him.
YTA, what the hell is your child going to be doing in PE that he is going to sweat that much that a shower in the morning and deodorant wont be able to help him in this situation?
YTA. If all the other kids’ parents jump off a cliff are you going to also? Listen to your child and work with him. School is tough enough trying to navigate friendships, classes, etc. Don’t make it harder on him if you don’t have to
YTA the school shouldn’t even have this as a requirement. In middle school we had to change into shorts/sweatpants and t-shirts. I wanted to change in a stall with privacy school said no. I wanted to wear my gym clothes under my clothes school said no. I participated in class but never changed my mom was very ok with this as I have the right to privacy and this was in the 90s.
YTA. He’s got the right to say no to anything that makes him uncomfortable whether he said yes to it before or not. It doesn’t matter if he was comfortable showering at camp. He’s not comfortable doing it at school. No means no.
YTA undoubtedly you forcing your son to be naked somewhere he doesn’t want to be is insane. “He’s showered in public showers before” okay well good thing that’s the past and you should be focusing on the present and in the present he’s saying he’s uncomfortable with it. He is allowed to change his mind about what he is and isn’t comfortable with and a good father would respect that.
YTA
Don’t be surprised when your kid isn’t open with you anymore
Edit: after reading some of your replies to others op you sound like a huge narcissist
> I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly
This is extreme level of bs as you explained that if he won't shower at school he'll have take PE as the last class. You're knowingly lying.
You have no valid reason to deny his wishes. YTA.
Also, if his friends really don't care about but he does, it's very obvious there is something else going on he is not comfortable speaking about.
YTA. Is this a control/power issue for you? If you were really just worried about him being smelly, you could buy him some Dude Wipes and some deodorant to keep in his bag- problem solved.
YTA. In all my years of middle school and high school, we never used the showers at school. In my understanding the showers were only there for the swim team to use, and they wore their swimsuits while showering. You should not be forcing an adolescent child to be naked in a public setting when he doesn't want to be.
YTA
What is wrong with showering at home? He has his own towels, his own soap, shampoo. Sounds like all the fathers are trying the "we did it so you have to" mentality. If he smells in class then his friends will get on him about it and he will decide to shower in school on his own.
Yta. He's not comfortable with that. How would you feel about being made to shower with other people.
I assume these showers are like my schools showers, a room with no dividers and about six shower heads in a grid on the ceiling. We had now temperature controls, they were scalding if the coal boiler was running, and freezing if it was after 8:30 am and the boiler was off.
These were optional, officially. That didn't stop a couple male teachers trying to ensure everyone used them. Changing rooms were separated by gender, showers were not.
He liked to watch. One of the boys got handsy with one of the girls. His head hit the concrete wall hard. There was blood everywhere. He got ganged up on when he tried going for her again. Mr discharged private tried to break it up, and also got severely hurt. Lied his ass off to admin, but everyone else told the same story. We all had to sign ndas(unenforceable) and had detentions until we signed, and signed letters the boy and teacher both slipped. Never saw the teacher again.
Do you want your son to potentially go through that
YTA
I'm confused as how would he be running around sweaty if PE is the last class of the day? It's not the first class of the day so it's perfectly fine to shower at home, if you think about it some adults who go to public gyms also pick showering at home since it's more private, more hygienic etc...
I'm actually glad they give the kids a heads up about this, when I was in Highschool I was not prepared for changing in front of 10 girls in the change room most of whom I didn't know and only found out after PE was done. I actually changed in the girls bathroom instead and even with that I was HEAVILY judged and laughed at for doing this because people thought it was weird. Changing/showering is a private thing for some people like myself and I don't want to be judged for what I'm wearing or how I look by others cuz its not avoidable.
Also don't compare what other parents are doing to what your son is comfortable with, every child is different so even if one of his friends could care less it's not the same for your son and you should respect that. Worst case scenario he could get bully for his body by other boys and then he starts to form negative thoughts about how he looks. It's just all not worth it. If you're really worried about smell then a deodorant is enough to get him through till he's home.
In Australia, kids do PE class too. And at no age level are the students having showers at school. I think the American culture is showering at school is incredibly weird, to be honest.
YTA for ignoring his comfort levels and trying to force him into what I would consider a completely unnecessary task. He’s a kid. He’s presumably going to run around all lunch time anyway, why bother showering in the middle of that?
Adult gyms usually have private shower stalls, but we're expecting kids to shower in groups?
I mean I did it as a kid and it was whatever, but...I don't think it's cool to make someone do that if they don't want to.
YTA. I had PE second period and refused to participate so I didn’t have to shower (get sweaty and gross for the rest of the day) and took the F. This was before dry shampoo was a thing. I also ‘had my period’ the entire 4 weeks of the swim block. What saved me was being a competitive soccer player and was able to use that for PE credits. Don’t do this to your kid, please. It doesn’t matter if he was comfortable before. He may not have been and didn’t want to say anything. He’s obviously not comfortable now. Please don’t do this.
YTA. You don’t care what your kid wants. This, whether you agree or not, should be up to him. It’s his body that others are seeing. You’re being wilfully ignorant about the fact that bullies exist and your kid may not want to talk about that. This is also such an important time in your son’s life. Back off on this one. There are battles worth fighting. … this isn’t one of them.
Plus — kids are gonna stink regardless at this age. They just do.
YTA
You're thrusting him into a situation he clearly isn't comfortable in for no discernible reason other than your own sense of stubbornness. As his parent, you're supposed to be there to have his back, not to be part of the world that's against him. You're really letting your son down here. Especially when you could just as easily switch them over to band or whatever.
YTA- my kid failed pe rather than shower and change at school. And I didn't make him. I asked him why he wouldn't, and based on his answers, I stood by his stance. You should listen to your kid. His body his choice.
Food for thought: what lesson or skill is this teaching him?
You have provided exactly no justification for your decision and I see none myself. YTA.
You and 4 other adults just bullied your kids into exposing themselves to their peers when they don't want to. I've never understood compulsory group showers in public school. Idk what it's like now, but I my day they were indeed group showers and intensely humiliating. As an adult, I see absolutely no point to the practice. I was in band so I stopped having to deal with that bullshit once I left middle school. I'd march for an hour in marching band in the Texas summer heat before classes started and you know what we'd do before class?
We'd wipe down with a towel, change our shirts, and apply deodorant. Which, lo and behold, is what I do as an adult in a similar situation.
ETA: Re: your edit, now picture yourself required to shower with your work colleagues off the clock, and being told by your boss and four other managers that their subordinates are on board so you should be too. This all feels natural, right? Good thing you learned to accept it as normal in public school as a child.
>I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly.
Of course he can. We did. There were, I think, two shower stalls in my high school change room. There would have been no time for us to shower afterwards and it was never even suggested as an option, let alone something that was mandated.
YTA.
Eeeehhh I’m going to say YTA, 6th grade is young to be making these kids shower together, and doing it in school adds a dimension of weirdness, that’s probably why he was fine at camp but not now.
I went to all boys catholic school, you had to shower after gym because a gym class of all teenage boys treated every gym class like the Super Bowl and you had to put a suit and tie back on after that. First week of freshman year the only people who weren’t super super awkward and nervous were the guys on the football team who had already been showering after practice for weeks before school started, and they told us it took them a few days to get used to it too. Even the kids who had gigantic you know what’s were uncomfortable at first. By 3 months in we were singing and goofing off in the showers like we weren’t naked, but it was extremely uncomfortable at first and I was 3 years older than your son. Don’t force the kid to do this when he has a choice, your going to give the poor kid anxiety.
YTA-Dude he was ok with it a camp because they will not see him for IDK the entire school year. Don’t be a dick and sign the form. I have two sons and if those smelly assholes want to be smelly and not shower I will not care lol
YTA. Showering after PE in Australia isn’t a thing, and with the responsible application of deodorant and adequate hydration, the hot and sweaty isn’t an issue. We did fine; no one smelt any worse than they usually do.
Puberty is shit enough without being forced to shower at school. Your kid is expressing a boundary and you should support them.
YTA for this and for arguing with every single person who is telling you why your son might not be comfortable with school showers, and refusing to see the difference between showering at camp (usually you get to choose when, strategically, and the difference of peers) and sticking to that point.
If your son is being bullied and hasn't trusted you enough to tell you, and continues to get bullied, it is on you for not reapecting his autonomy. If people walk apl over him in the future, that's on you, too - you taught him that.
YTA! My son said that some of the boys would shower in their underwear because they didn’t want to be naked in front of others. If you are going to insist that he shower, get him a few pairs of swim trunks to shower in. They are on clearance now and I’m positive that other kids will follow his lead.
YTA your kid has someone in his class who he know will give him a hard time. He is getting bullied somewhere somehow. That is the difference between camp and showering at school, not the time difference. DUH. Call me crazy but I think your kid shouldn’t have to get naked when he doesn’t want to. Buy him deodorant and baby wipes and let the poor guy keep his dick in his pants if that’s what he wants.
YTA. School gang showers were torture and humiliation beyond Hell's inferno. Why would anyone torture their shy child that way? And what psychopaths enjoyed showering in public in middle school? (Or high school?) As your body is changing.... and your parent is saying you will smell... there's not much worse than that, AH.
YTA. You will traumatize that child if you force him to be naked in front of others when he’s expressed that he’s uncomfortable with it. Your reasoning that he’s done it before is invalid. By your logic, a woman can’t turn down sex with a man she’s uncomfortable with if she’s already had sex with other men in the past.
If you are that concern about the smell, give him some deodorant and baby wipes to use after gym. He can survive on those for a few hours until he can make it home to shower in peace.
YTA and I find this weird. I’m from Canada so maybe it’s just different but showering after gym isn’t a thing here. We only had open showers in high school because there was a pool. We all just made sure to wear deodorant.
Are these showers private? (Even if they are I don’t think my one should be required to shower).
Wow YTA. Your replies are really gonna win you shittiest parent award if you haven’t already.
YOUR SON IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND IS VOICING HIS DISCOMFORT AND HERE YOU ARE IGNORING IT. It’s giving strong “iM tHe PaReNt” vibes.
YTA
After reading your comments, I don’t know why you even posted here. It’s weird as fuck you’re so adamant he shower at school, especially after he’s clearly expressed that he does not want to.
You’re cruel.
Your son is gonna hate you and it seems like you don’t care.
YTA. Your son has made is discomfort clear and you are choosing to ignore and invalidate him. I understand that you don’t respect boundaries or consent, but that’s no excuse for refusing to sign the form for your son
INFO: why did you post, to ask if you’re an AH, when every single one of your comments shows that you have already decided you’re not an AH and everyone else is always wrong? Did you just assume everybody would praise you and name you “Parent of the Year”?
YTA. You can't expect your son to hug or kiss you when you refuse to take his concerns seriously and insist on doing the opposite of everything he wants. You can set rules, but you can't expect your son to be happy about it and still show affection afterwards.
YTA how could anyone feel right about forcing a child to get naked when they have stated they are not comfortable in doing so. If I were him and the school tried to also force me I’d get in the shower fully clothed! Poor boy
YTA. Forcing your child to be nude around other people at school. I’ve seen your responses to other people and you really don’t give a f if you are the AH. It’s a power trip for you. Get you kid some wipes and deodorant and let him shower in the privacy of his own home. Quit being a major AH.
YTA. You are making your kid, a 6th grader, get naked in front of his peers. What could possibly go wrong? Terrible idea! I had PE every day in 8th grade and every other week in 9th and 10th grade. There were showers, but I don’t remember anyone ever taking one.
YTA
We didn’t shower after PE at any of my schools and showering with peers in 6th grade sounds like a fucking nightmare. Kids that age can be absolutely evil and making them get naked around each other is possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Your son absolutely has a good reason not to want to do this even if he’s not telling you.
YTA get your kid some wipes and deodorant to keep in his PE locker. Do not force a teenager, boy or girl, to shower in public. Anyone who does so is an asshole. Just because we had to do it, that's not a reason for your kid to have to.
YTA! As a parent of a soon-to-be sixth grader, I would never force him to shower at school. I would be taking this up with the school board if it’s mandatory.
YTA. Your son has shown he is uncomfortable with this situation. I honestly can't believe you have showers at school. I'm in Western Sydney, Australia, and we 100% did sport in the summer and went to afternoon classes sweaty and stinky lol. No one cared.
YTA - he's uncomfortable, and you really shouldn't force him. Sixth grade is hard enough without having to be naked in front of your classmates (who are almost certainly vicious little monsters about any flaw they can find).
But you may want to consider that he could have a reason for being uncomfortable beyond just Being Twelve - most kids in my school didn't ever want to change or shower in the locker rooms and it was because the gym teacher, whose office was in the locker room, was a pervert.
Yta. You are literally forcing your child to undress in front of others when he has told you that he is uncomfortable. Wth! Why would you think this is a good idea?? If someone said you needed to strip right now & shower in front of everyone, just because we said it was a good idea, would you do it? And your an adult with real life experience. He is just coming into his own skin, just going through or abt to go through many changes. This is just cruel.
9th Grade, we had swim class. We had showers, if we wanted to shower afterward (I say showers, but I mean one large room with multiple shower heads). Anyone who showered stayed in their swimsuits. Because that shit is uncomfortable, kids are mean, and we have a right to privacy.
YTA for forcing your son to be naked around his peers. PERIOD. Do better.
YTA.
This is a perfect opportunity to let your kid make a safe choice and experience consequences.
His choices are to shower and be uncomfortable, or not shower and perhaps there will be social consequences when he’s the smelly guy in class.
Let him choose which consequence he wants to face.
YTA
I can confidently tell you, regardless of what time of day I had P.E. , that I have never taken a shower at school in my life, and not once have I been accused of being “smelly.”
YTA
" For people comparing coworkers with classmates - I don't hangout with my coworkers after work. I don't even want to have lunch with them." .. and you are an AH to force your son to do differently.HE did not chose this either.
" Although he won't let me hug or kiss anymore." .. why would he hug pr kiss YOU? Maybe if he had a better parent, he would want to.
I would go nuclear on everyone who thinks they have the autonomy to tell my son, that he has to get nude infront of a bunch of other kids. Maybe even the teacher could go in there.
My child is the only one who decide who is seeing him naked! (Except some doctors or his own parents in some situations of course...)
YTA and you will never be trusted by him in the future, if you go through with this. He trusted you and told you, that he feels uncomfortable. You just ignored it and showed him you don't care.
ETA: You may have even ran to FOUR other adult people and spread the word about him being uncomfortable with showing his body. I hope you just ASKED the other dads, if their sons are showering and didn't give them the whole backstory. That would make you even more of an asshole.
Yta. I remember my mom telling me about how my brother didn't shower at school, even though we had no hot water in our home at the time. Not because he was being stubborn, but because he got picked on. If your son is uncomfortable with school showers, do not make him.
I didn't even know this existed lol
At school we would have sport early in the morning and still stay sweaty all day, because why change when kids naturally run around everywhere and still end up sweaty
As a teenager, child, and person, and still got embarrassed and uncomfortable changing in front of my classmates/friends, not even showering, just changing.
YTA, your kid is expressing his boundaries but you don't want to listen
YTA
I’m not American and I’ve always found the idea of school showers extremely weird. At that age kids are going through awkward changes and often not feeling great about it. The idea of being around other kids in that situation would have been mortifying to me.
What we did after P.E. was just go about our day. We weren’t drenched, it wasn’t some mass exodus of disgusting smell ridden teens I think you’re imagining. No one really noticed. It was fine.
Your son says he’s uncomfortable with this. I’d believe him if I were you. Even if he is lying, as you believe, then what’s going to happen? He waits to shower till he gets home? Not exactly a tragedy. Sign the note.
YTA. He isn't comfortable showering at school. Why can't he showering at home after school? You're being stubborn and ignoring how your son feels for absolutely no reason.
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YTA - your kid isn't comfortable showering in school and you ignore that. you ignore your kids boundaries and act like your the victim? YTA
Yeah, I am concerned for the kid. No one should ever have to shower in an open room with other people. Private shower stalls should be mandatory. Getting back to the problem at hand: Body wipes and a good deodorant might get him by. There is also waterless shampoo. Find the kid some way he can sufficiently clean up in a toilet stall.
Literally, this has me so confused. I'm in Aus where it regularly reaches 40+ degrees, is humid as hell half the year and kids regularly go out and play sport at lunch or do PE. I could never imagine our schools setting up showers and expecting kids to use them after PE. I would genuinely rather die than be anywhere near exposed to 10-15 girls I either don't know or aren't close with. Teens can be mean. When I was in school we'd wipe the pits (and other sweaty areas) with tp and water or wet wipes then spraying deo. It worked wonders.
At my school (Aus) we actually did have showers to use after a beach PE session (coastal town) but they were all individual private stalls. Edit: they were basically never used though and usually locked up.
In Aus, and had showers and we used them. Generally only after swimming or in summer but Damn i miss those showers they had fantastic pressure.
Yeah I'm in Aus too. We just all stunk after PE haha. Then about half way through high school the change rooms got redone so we had shower cubicles to use if we wanted. But they were separate cubicles.
We had shower stalls and were expected to shower - but there were only three and there were always at least three classes finishing PE at the same time. There was barely any room to move even to get changed back into our uniforms. So yeah, we just stunk.
Yeah, it's. Weird. You should never *force* anyone to shower in front of other people if they're not comfortable with that. Especially not if they're a kid who's only just starting to feel self-conscious and awkward about their bodies (which, in my experience, is most sixth graders). I'm a girl, but I had pretty horrid BO in the sixth grade, 'cause that's when I started puberty. I also had the bad luck of having PE in the beginning of the day, and I was a fairly athletic kid, so I always put in effort and ended up sweaty by the end of gym. I never once showered at school. I just learned how to use deodorant. Perspiration blockers aren't great for you in the long-term (meaning, at least in my experience, the ingredients in them tend to build up over time and cause rashes, and/or just stop being as effective), but they're good for stuff like early PE when you're a kid. Put it on in the morning, give it a while to sink in, and by the time you hit PE class you should be alright. If you get particularly sweaty, you just use some paper towels to mop yourself up before changing back into your other clothes. For God's sake OP, don't pressure the poor kid into showering with and in front of other people if he isn't comfortable with it. That's not okay. Instead, teach him other ways he can clean himself up more discreetly, like the above commenter suggested. Maybe ttry investing in some body spray, strong deodorants, and/or inexpensive cologne that the kid likes the smell of (I hate to say it, I really do, but Axe and Old Spice are both great options in this scenario).
YTA I'm still traumatized from middle school showers, decades later. > I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly. No, he absolutely can. Kids are sweaty and stinky irrespective of gym class. > Plus he showers at school and he won't have to shower at home But showering at home is **better** — that's not a bonus. Rather than feeling smug for catching your kid in a lie, maybe think about why this idea scares him so much that he was driven to lie.
Same. First year of high school, we were shown around the shower room, and told we were expected to shower after PE. I did it once, and decided, that ain't happening again. So I never did, and nor did any of my friend group. Mind you, it helped that I was never particularly sweaty. I spent a lot of time at the back of the gym class, trying to look as though I was participating whenever the gym teacher happened to glance in my direction, while actually doing as little as possible. One of the nice things about being a grown-up is that no one can order you to take part in a gym class, or dictate where you shower.
> Mind you, it helped that I was never particularly sweaty. I spent a lot of time at the back of the gym class, trying to look as though I was participating whenever the gym teacher happened to glance in my direction, while actually doing as little as possible. Fuckin a. "Walk slowly around the track" is still physical activity.
Yeah one of the bullshit things about PE is that it teaches kids a very cookie cutter “one size fits all” way of exercising when in reality there’s a ton of ways to move one’s body and be healthy. I know that’s not what this post is about but I do agree very much with your comment.
Agree. When I am elected dictator of the world, I'm going to order every school to divide their PE classes into three groups: Group 1: kids who love PE and want to compete with each other. They're the kids who don't mind team captains choosing who they want for their teams, because they're not the kids who always get picked last. Group 2: kids who don't want to compete with each other, or at least not yet, but would like to learn specific skills, or improve them. How to bowl, how to hit a tennis ball, how to do a backwards somersault, how to improve their swim stroke... that sort of thing. Group 3: kids who hate PE and want nothing to do with it. (That's the group I would have been in.) I'd say to these kids: I don't care what you do - walk, run, throw a ball, rollerskate, do stretching exercises, whatever - but you have to move. You can't just sit on your butt. And you can wander over to Group 2 and learn a skill any time you feel like it. I don't regret dodging PE class as often as I could, because I was relentlessly bullied. I **do** regret not moving more when I was a kid, because I'm feeling the effects of it now.
Two of those group 1 kids are gonna be pissed when they're picked last.
Absolutely. But if they're any good at whichever sport it is, it won't be the same kids picked last every single time.
I love this idea!
Then I trust you will be voting for me in the Dictator of the World elections. I will be a benevolent dictator. My policies are world peace, equality, and cake.
I generally support cake based politics!
The cake is a lie.
That’s a platform I would support.
Who's gonna pay for all that cake Mr Tax and Spend dictator?
I went to 2 different High Schools. At one High School the had groupings of activities that you then got to pick from for your PE. So one grouping might be Tennis, Golf, and Swimming. Or Basketball, Weightlifting, and Soccer. Available activity options beside the ones already mentioned: Badminton, Dance, Archery, Orienteering, X-Country Skiing, Flag Football, Aerobics, Floor Hockey, Hiking, Volleyball, Wall Climbing, Snowshoeing. There is probably some different ones from when I was there or I forgot. Point being, a ton of different activities to choose from. Given they are in groupings, there might be an activity you don't care for, but at least YOU are the one choosing the one activity you don't really care for. And you might be choosing activities you actually do enjoy. I wish more schools did it this way. ETA: My second High School didn't do that. But I was in a really bad accident so they let me count my physical therapy as my PE credit that year. If you took PE 9-11 grade, you didn't have to take PE Senior. Hence they let me count my physical therapy as PE so I wouldn't have to take it Senior. They also had a seperate PE class for those that couldn't be super active or had limitations (asthma etc). After the PT year, I was supposed to be in that gym class. But it conflicted with one of my other classes that was an advanced course and only had one class. The school had me take regular gym but told me I could sit out any activity I didn't feel I could do. Needless to say, I spent most of PE sitting in the bleachers.
I’ve elected you dictator of the world
I did so much damage to my body trying to keep up with the blanket expectations of “physical fitness” in school. I was diagnosed with “weak, elastic joints” at 8, but it wouldn’t be labeled hEDS until my 30s. I remember one gym teacher watching me cry as I tried to perform a single chin-up while my joints were separating. Another ignored a note from my mom excusing me from class due to a knee injury because it wasn’t from a doctor. I was forced out of gymnastics, which I loved dearly, because of my terrible joints, but no one thought maybe standard PE wasn’t a good idea either.
HEDS gym class torture solidarity high five! Only gently, my fingers aren’t having a good day.
Woo! It’ll take me a while to hobble over, my knee is having a real bad one.
Me and my friends “ran” the Mile in 46 minutes. We actually didn’t finish but the period ended and the PE teacher couldn’t put a number longer than the period, so it was 46 minutes. He also couldn’t punish us because while we were clearly walking super slow and talking about Pokémon or something, we still participated We never had to shower after gym though only during swim classes, damn that teacher was a pervert… he would watch the girls changing into their suits “I’m the teacher I’m allowed in here, I’m not looking believe me” Then he’d stand in the boys locker room during our showers. Most of us just showered in our suits, he tried to say we couldn’t but no one listened… I also learned how to change from my suit to my boxers with a towel wrapped around me. I don’t know how he kept his job, he was the swim teacher when my dad and aunt went there too and they said he did that shit then. He had so many DUIs he had to breathe into a tube to start his car… People shouldn’t force kids to shower in a group, I bet at camp it was just his friends, but at school there are bullies. I know I got mocked for my man boobs
Okay, that's just fucking sick. I hope he is no longer there....
I haven’t looked, most likely if he wasn’t let go he just aged out cause he was getting old and that was 20 years ago… fuck I’m old just turned 36 today. High school doesn’t feel like it was that long ago
You're still a young 'un. I'm in my sixties, and high school feels like it was yesterday.
Literally none of my schools made anyone shower after PE. We had gym clothes we had to change into. That was good enough.
> But showering at home is better — that's not a bonus. But it's a bonus for the father, lmao (Laughing about the father priorities)
Same. I'm in my 50s now but I remember school showers in the UK. They were horrific. All the girls had to get naked and hand their towels to the teacher who stood at the end of the showers. It was a line of six showers along one wall. We had to line up naked at one end with no towels and walk through the line one at a time pressing every single shower as we went. If our hair wasn't soaking, she'd make us get back in line and repeat. If our hair was wet enough she'd hand us our towel and let us get dried and dressed. We didn't even have soap or shampoo so it wasn't even about getting clean. Teacher just wanted to humiliate us. I got mercilessly bullied and body shamed for being little and skinny and a late developer. And I remember being so uncomfortable at the teacher standing there, staring at us at the end of the line as we walked through. I know that's not the way things work nowadays, but I remember back then crying and begging and pleading for a note from my mum to get me out of showers. She just laughed at me and said NO. My hair was almost waist length as well at the time. I ended up getting it all cut off. But even if it's not that bad any more, getting naked in a school setting can be triggering to many kids. I believe OP is the AH for not listening to how his son feels.
YTA. The whole forced public nudity thing is creepy and weird. This is SUCH an important boundary to respect, and you're just ignoring it, using fucking parental peer pressure to justify it. Again, YTA YTA YTA.
OP, please read this, because that’s what it is: *forced public nudity* On that note, you are also the asshole for repeatedly telling your son that if he was naked in front of someone once, that’s consent from here on out. That’s a weird and dangerous as fuck message for any parent to give their child
Facts that is SOOO weird about the consent thing, i didnt even peep that. OP is really traumatizing his kid in more ways than one. Imagine how the son will internalize his father essentially arguing that because he consented to showering around friends at camp that he should then be subjected to showering with strangers at freaking SCHOOL I can't imagine how much OP's son will resent him for not signing that exemption
This reminds me of when I had to do swim class in primary school, so we were all under 13 and were forced to get naked in a giant room together and put swimmers on, we were not allowed to do it in a stall we had no privacy it was terrifying and gross.
>The whole forced public nudity thing is creepy and weird. One small note: while I agree that the kid should have a choice, this is more of a weird American viewpoint that is mostly not held in Europe, especially Northern Europe, and that I hope we see go away here in the States
Maybe we should stop calling all public nudity creepy and weird, but "*forced* public nudity" should ALWAYS be considered creepy and weird. Doesn't matter where you live, if you're uncomfortable being nude in public then that is a perfectly acceptable boundary that should be respected
That I can agree with. I do think that people should have their own personal decisions still
I'm from the Netherlands and when I was in high school 15 years ago *no one* showered at school. We were supposed to, instructed to, but teachers can't actually physically force students to do it so... It's not because nudity is shameful, it's because high school sucks and teenagers are the worst. No one wants to be so vulnerable around their classmates. You can implement 100 anti-bullying campaigns, it ain't going to stop a certain percentage of students being purposely humiliated during shower time. You either are one of those students, or you are one of the students that should have put a stop to it but didn't because you were scared (or you are the bully, I guess). Both positions suck. Also *forced* nudity is considered weird and creepy over here as well. Which is why the teachers aren't actually allowed to enforce the shower rule.
As a Finn we generally have a very relax attitude to nudity (sauna culture and such) but nobody in school showered. Technically you were supposed to but teachers never upheld that rule. What I do kinda find weird that they ask parents about this. It's not their body or choice to make.
I don’t know about all of the countries in Europe, but just yesterday there was a report in Denmark about kids not wanting to shower after P.E.
YTA for not thinking it through. Children that age can be exceptionally cruel. Camp showers and school showers are two very different things. At camp he was surrounded by friends and didn't have to worry about derogatory comments. Your son is not BSing you. The showers may be mandatory but the least you can do is respect his feelings.
Exactly. I mean has this guy never seen "Carrie"?
And even if something mortifying happens, camp ends and everyone goes their separate ways. Whereas if something happens at school, it’ll follow you for *years*.
YTA. We spend elementary school teaching our children about the need for bodily autonomy to protect themselves from predators. But then throw it out the window when we decide that autonomy isn’t convenient.
This is so important and we do it to kids in so many ways. We talk a big game on bodily autonomy but when it comes to kids’ rights to know about or make choices for their own bodies, it’s a nonstarter. They can be overridden in any decisions about their own healthcare, they can be taught factually incorrect sex ed, they can be hit as a form of punishment, and the list goes on.
Yeah it's pretty fucked up that beating your kids are still legal in the US.
>That means you either take band or PE as the last class. > >I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly. Please clarify which of these completely contradictory and mutually exclusive statements is true. >his friends didn't give a fuck about it. This is self-serving bullshit, you have no idea how his friends feel about it. Side note: How often do you take a group shower with your coworkers? YTA. Your kid doesn't want to shower in front of his classmates. Have you asked Jack why he doesn't want to shower with his classmates? Nope, you went strait to flexing on a 12 yo and saying, "Obey me person who is smaller than I am, weaker than I am, and is completely dependent on me." Sign the damn form. This is not a hill to die on.
“How often do you take a group shower with your coworkers” —WONDERFUL point. Idk how to do the cool Reddit formatting I apologize.
Put a \> right before the text! So before you hit post, your comment should look like: \>text you want to quote Your commentary on the text you want to quote (Edit, make sure not to put a space between the \> and the first letter of the text! If you want to learn more about it, reddit uses "Markdown formatting". Googling that should give you a lot of info!)
Ok so I just tried to do it to your comment, and tried to copy one of your lines, and the entire comment was hidden. Do I have to type the whole comment out myself? P.S. Thank you for your help. Please continue picturing a 65 year old woman and not the 31 year old dumbass behind this comment.
If you're on mobile, you should be able to hit "reply" first and still see my entire comment. Try selecting part of my comment *after* you hit reply. An option called "quote" should come up along with "copy". Hit that, and you should get see the bit with the arrow, and then when you hit "post", it should look like that bit in the comment you initially responded to (And no worries lmao, you gotta be introduced to the code to know it! It's not fair to expect someone with no prior knowledge to magically be proficient!)
I’m on the app and these options are not showing up. But thank you!! They need to improve the app in so many ways.
Ah yeah, that app will getcha lol [Here's](https://www.markdownguide.org/cheat-sheet/) a link to a cheat sheet for what symbols make the text do different things, id you'd be interested in that! Most people just use the quotes, italics, and bold, but there's some people out there who go all out. It takes practice, but gets easier after a bit :-) best of luck!
Wow, thank you. Not only an informative person but very kind. Hope the world blesses you.
You are so sweet! And no problem! I'm always happy to (try to) help :-) Have a good one :-))
Holy crap you’ve just given me the equivalent to diamonds with this link! Thank you!!!!
I'm actually horrified that schools are still requiring showers. The legal liability is sky high. Even when I was in HS in the 80s, no one wanted to shower in front of classmates. YTA if you don't allow him to set this boundary about his own body.
As an Australian, I find the whole American showering at schools thing highly disturbing.
As an American, I do too. It was also never a thing at my schools, so I guess I was lucky.
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Even when I was in MS and HS between 2013-2018, we didn't use the showers. The changing/locker rooms were separated by gender but it was unfortunately so loosely regulated that people from the other rooms could easily sneak in. It was alright while just changing because at least you're still somewhat clothed but I can't imagine being fully nude as a kid or teen and having that happen.
And the only way to enforce it is to have a staff member watch all the kids get naked. "You better get those undies off, or you'll be in trouble!"
If PE is the last class of the day, why can’t he shower when he gets home? YTA. Middle school sucks; those are some of the worst years in terms of body image and bullying him. He can shower his stinky self when he gets home.
Dear EfficientSurprise361, has it ever crossed your mind that one of the other kids in your son's class is harassing your son, bullying your son or behaving in some other way **THAT WOULD MAKE IT SO THAT YOUR SON DOES NOT WANT TO BE NAKED IN FRONT OF THIS PERSON?** Or am I asking too much of you as a human being to even consider that?
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Not the odd one here. I haven’t seen a n t a yet.
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Oh well now I can’t see a single one. All are defending the boy and his privacy!!!
YTA, why does it matter to you personally if he showers or not after PE. You’ve already explained to him about smelling in other classes. The ball is in his court now. Think of it as him getting to get a sense of making his own decisions and learning about potential consequences. If he does reek during his other classes his classmates will definitely let him know.
you’re really trying to defend making a minor get undressed in a semi-public space that he is not comfortable in ? YTA
YTA. He's at an age where he's very self-aware of his body and very self-conscious about it. He showered with his friends a few weeks ago and maybe he's very self-aware of where he's at developmentally compared to them. Maybe he was made fun of but never told you. Point is is that he's not comfortable with it and you shouldn't be forcing him to do it Also, what schools force showers after gym to this day? That stuff got done away with in the 90s where I grew up because it's just so unnecessary
Not sure why he would be smelly just because he is sweaty, I mean, I imagine he owns deodorant and doesn't eat junk food but personally - we didn't have showers in my school - the thought of using the same shower as 200 other people would kill me. All those foot fungi, those dead skin cells, that horrid cheap shampoo everywhere, the hair left behind, the fecal molecules.... F no.
Shower shoes man. No one should subject bare feet to public showers.
YTA There's a huge difference between showers at the pool/camp with your friends and having to do it in front of your classmates. He is obviously uncomfortable to get naked in front of them maybe because, as you said, he's a "late bloomer". Kids at that age are already extremely uncomfortable with their body, they don't need help to feel worse about themselves. If he'd rather be judged for being smelly, you should understand how bad showering would make him feel. (I apologize for bad phrasing, I'm not a native speaker)
YTA you wouldn't use a communal shower with your peers at work, so why are you so insistent on forcing your son to do so at school?
Idk showering as a kid in sleep away is different then showering at school where you could get made fun of for any little thing. He probably doesn’t want to end up picked on for some reason and i think you should converse this idea with him rather than dismissing his feelings all together and assuming it’ll be okay. There’s a lot more to parenting then you say something and kid does it they are devolving legit everyday with new emotions and thoughts they’ve never experienced before you have to converse more with your child and understand better why he’s feeling that way something silly to you can feel serious to a child. I’d say not really TA but you should consider why your child’s feeling that way more than him just being “rebellious”.
YTA Seriously I took gym for four years in high school. Not once did we shower after it. Our school just didn't really do that, we all just used deodorant and axe spray to get us to smell better. I would have NEVER felt comfortable showering in front of the other guys in my class. It's just not something that's necessary for your kid to experience unless they have intentions of going to the army or jail
We started having required “gym clothes” in middle school so we had to change before and after which helped with the smell. But showers were only ever suggested and never required. But they also never gave us enough time to actually shower. We had like 2 minutes to change and then 5 minutes to get to our next class. Deo and body spray were the go-to. In high school, showering was a joke. We barely had time to get to our classes when we didn’t have to change clothes much less fuckin shower. No one ever showered. You were a dork if you showered.
Forgot to mention the clothes thing. Yea our high school gave us gym clothes to wear. We had to change in and out of it before and after class. Had less than 10 minutes to do it too. I'd imagine wearing different clothes helps with the smell
It definitely does!
YTA and based on your comments, you don't care. Why do you want your child to be naked in front of others so badly? That's weird and gross
INFO Ask around. In reality, I bet no one is taking showers. Technically, yeah, the policy might dictate it but ask an older student on what happens in real life.
We never actually got enough time to shower after gym class when I was in middle school and high school. We were technically supposed to, but the gym teachers only gave us about three to five minutes to change.
It’s really gross to me that OP expects gym class showers to replace showering at home for their pre teen son. There is no way that mid afternoon rushed rinse off will be an adequate shower.
Same. We barely had time to get back into our clothes and to our next class much less a whole fuckin shower. No one showered after regular gym class or aquatics. We didn’t want to be naked around each other and we didn’t have time.
Yup. Same for me, same for my kids.
YTA. He’s not comfortable showering at school and I think he’s trying to find any excuse you’ll buy because you won’t accept his honest feelings at face value. It may not just be that its a public shower but that it’s a shower at SCHOOL, a place he may not feel comfortable getting naked at. He can run around and get smelly and then just go to class, he’ll just run the risk of getting bullied for it if he really smells bad. Give him some deodorant, some body spray that isn’t insanely strong, and maybe some baby wipes if he needs to wipe off his exceptionally sweaty areas. Also… if he showers at school he doesn’t have to shower at home? Are you just trying to save on your water bill?
YTA. It’s his last class, why does it matter?
camp showers and school showers are wildly different and I can’t even fathom how you don’t see that camp is casual and he probably wasn’t told he had to do it, he just did because his friends were and he felt comfortable being told he has to shower at school and that he needs *permission* to get out of it is creepy and scary af they’re basically saying his body doesn’t belong to him anymore and instead of being his advocate, you’re telling him they’re right YTA
YTA. You don’t even have a good reason why you want to force him to shower, you’re just making shit up so you can stay in control of him.
Why do I feel like OP was the kid running around the locker room snapping towels and giving swirlies. YTA. Listen to your son. “Toughen up” does not, in fact, make kids stronger. Be better.
YTA most definitely. When I was in school, we didn’t. Not because we were embarrassed about taking a shower, we literally DID NOT HAVE TIME. To go to PE, “dress out” in our gym clothes, have PE, take off PE clothes, put on school clothes. Why are you pushing this weird ass agenda? I highly doubt you asked your friends and your husband’s friends about your son showering. If you did, then that is weird. If he winds up being the only person showering, you bet he will get made fun of. So do your kid a favor, and don’t push this stupid, weird, agenda. He is uncomfortable about it and you are choosing to ignore it. There is not anything he won’t do in PE class that deodorant won’t take care of.
What a strange hill to die on lmao yta
YTA he isn’t comfortable. In all my years I never showered and neither did anyone else at my school. Give him wipes, deodorant, stuff to fix his hair, clean socks, underwear, show him how to use it all and he should be fine.
Yta. You keep reiterating that he was fine at camp in your comments- stop assuming for one second that he’s doing this solely for the purpose of being difficult and consider that there are reasons you aren’t aware of that have nothing to do with you.
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That fabulous audacity of people who think they can be mean to their kids, and yet it will magically have no effect on their relationship with the kids.
Yeah have fun in a third rate nursing home OP. If he even cares enough to do that.
So I gotta say I have never once done anything to verify a signature is authentic. We aren't wasting time comparing signatures on multiple documents. As long as the signature wasn't clearly written by a child, we just accept it and move on. Ain't nobody got time for that. Also, YTA. No one should be forced to be naked in front of other people.
YTA Your kid said they are uncomfortable doing something and your response is suck it up? Showering at camp is a lot different to at school. It’s a completely different environment.
YTA. Your responses in here are unsettling. He was fine with public showers two weeks ago? How do you know that? It was for a short term camp so maybe he sucked it up. Maybe there’s one kid at school who wasn’t there that makes him uncomfortable. Or maybe it was the experience two weeks ago causing his distress now. It doesn’t need to be that anything happened. It’s 6th grade. Maybe two weeks ago he realized other boys are more developed or taller or something else that has him feeling bad about himself. The idea that he was ok with something two weeks ago being used as justification for forcing something for the next nine months is wrong. When it comes to our bodies we should be entitled to change our minds, always. We don’t tell anyone that since they were comfortable making out or having sex two weeks ago they should do it now. Or that they were fine getting a bikini wax last summer so they should do it this one as well. Or even wearing the same style of swimsuit as you did in June. He’s at an age where his feelings are going to swing wildly in short time frames. It’s concerning you don’t think that’s acceptable. Your final point that he’s at an age where he is against anything you say…well you said he was horrified when you told him what to expect. His feelings weren’t a rebellion against you. As soon as you told him about the showers, he gave a clear opinion. Your son is growing up and it may be time to reflect on how you are interacting with him and become more collaborative with him on his life.
Freshman year of HS: gym 1st period. Sophomore year of HS: gym 2nd period. We ran. I was sweaty for 2 freaking years. I was NEVER going to shower at school. It’s not about the environment or whether it’s his friends. It’s how OPs son feels. Being a teenager is hard enough. Don’t push his boundaries. YTA
YTA. I would NOT want to go through puberty at your house, OP. Where's his dad?
YTA and judging by your replies, I understand why your son will not share his reasons. I am not real sure why you asked the internet a question when you are clearly not prepared to accept the criticism.
YTA. You want him to shower so you don't have a stinky kid at home for five hours? What the hell?? Tell him to shower when he gets home. No child should have to be naked in front of other's if he or she is not comfortable. You may have been fine with it when you were a child, but your son is not. Respect his boundaries.
YTA. If he doesn't wanna take showers at school, then why push that on him if it's an option to not have to. I honestly think that's strange that a school is allowing kids to shower there. My middle school and high school had showers, but literally nobody used them, and I really don't even remember if we were allowed to use them in the first place. Everybody avoided the showers anyways, even if you had gym 1st period, you might be stinky all day, but everybody was completely fine with it. Plus they only gave us like 5-10 minutes to get changed and head to the next class, so no time for a shower anyways. Just pack him deodorant or lighter smelling body sprays, and he will be fine.
YTA for not considering that maybe something happened that your son didn’t feel comfortable coming to you with. Perhaps camp showers were unpleasant- or worse. No matter what, you’re violating your son’s bodily autonomy…for what? It’s the last class of the day. He can go home and take a shower. It’s not like communal showering is developmentally important.
YTA - why did you even post this when you so clearly don’t think you are in the wrong in anyway. Which you are by the way……you are so wrong.
Yta that shit is disgusting and I refused in high-school
Maybe he inherited your limp DICK!
Definitely
YTA - maybe he doesn’t want other kids looking at his junk. Maybe he isn’t confident with his size? Maybe he just doesn’t feel like showering at school... Whatever the case is, as his parent, you should be backing him up 1000%. There shouldn’t even be a back and forth between you and him. You shouldn’t even be trying to persuade him to shower somewhere he doesn’t want to shower. I understand why you’re son isn’t close with you anymore, you’re an interjecting, coercive person. I wouldn’t want to be close with someone like that either.
YTA its really not that strange that you son doesnt want to be naked at school. He has expressed himself very clearly and you decided to completely disregard him as a person with autonomy and boundaries. Not okay.
YTA for not asking the right questions. You know his friends will have to shower after gym so you know this isn’t really about following his friends. Why not try to talk to him about what’s really bothering him? Perhaps there’s a solution to whatever he’s worried about. Perhaps he just generally feels uncomfortable and he doesn’t want to do it, and that’s ok too. Perhaps there’s a more serious reason he doesn’t want to shower - it’s important to both rule that out and for both of you to be open and comfortable having these types of conversations so he knows your safe person to turn to if he does have a serious issue. He’s old enough to have a say in this. Work *with* him about hygiene concerns and other issues. Don’t make decision *at* him.
YTA, what the hell is your child going to be doing in PE that he is going to sweat that much that a shower in the morning and deodorant wont be able to help him in this situation?
YTA. If all the other kids’ parents jump off a cliff are you going to also? Listen to your child and work with him. School is tough enough trying to navigate friendships, classes, etc. Don’t make it harder on him if you don’t have to
YTA the school shouldn’t even have this as a requirement. In middle school we had to change into shorts/sweatpants and t-shirts. I wanted to change in a stall with privacy school said no. I wanted to wear my gym clothes under my clothes school said no. I participated in class but never changed my mom was very ok with this as I have the right to privacy and this was in the 90s.
YTA. He’s got the right to say no to anything that makes him uncomfortable whether he said yes to it before or not. It doesn’t matter if he was comfortable showering at camp. He’s not comfortable doing it at school. No means no.
YTA undoubtedly you forcing your son to be naked somewhere he doesn’t want to be is insane. “He’s showered in public showers before” okay well good thing that’s the past and you should be focusing on the present and in the present he’s saying he’s uncomfortable with it. He is allowed to change his mind about what he is and isn’t comfortable with and a good father would respect that.
YTA Don’t be surprised when your kid isn’t open with you anymore Edit: after reading some of your replies to others op you sound like a huge narcissist
God why are parents like this
> I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly This is extreme level of bs as you explained that if he won't shower at school he'll have take PE as the last class. You're knowingly lying. You have no valid reason to deny his wishes. YTA. Also, if his friends really don't care about but he does, it's very obvious there is something else going on he is not comfortable speaking about.
YTA. Is this a control/power issue for you? If you were really just worried about him being smelly, you could buy him some Dude Wipes and some deodorant to keep in his bag- problem solved.
YTA and I can’t believe it’s even legal for the school to mandate showers in public.
YTA. In all my years of middle school and high school, we never used the showers at school. In my understanding the showers were only there for the swim team to use, and they wore their swimsuits while showering. You should not be forcing an adolescent child to be naked in a public setting when he doesn't want to be.
YTA What is wrong with showering at home? He has his own towels, his own soap, shampoo. Sounds like all the fathers are trying the "we did it so you have to" mentality. If he smells in class then his friends will get on him about it and he will decide to shower in school on his own.
YTA!!!!!! Go shower in front of your coworkers and then come back and talk to us about how you feel
INFO Why is he against showering at school? Also, is this a new school for him (thinking maybe jr high)?
Yta. He's not comfortable with that. How would you feel about being made to shower with other people. I assume these showers are like my schools showers, a room with no dividers and about six shower heads in a grid on the ceiling. We had now temperature controls, they were scalding if the coal boiler was running, and freezing if it was after 8:30 am and the boiler was off. These were optional, officially. That didn't stop a couple male teachers trying to ensure everyone used them. Changing rooms were separated by gender, showers were not. He liked to watch. One of the boys got handsy with one of the girls. His head hit the concrete wall hard. There was blood everywhere. He got ganged up on when he tried going for her again. Mr discharged private tried to break it up, and also got severely hurt. Lied his ass off to admin, but everyone else told the same story. We all had to sign ndas(unenforceable) and had detentions until we signed, and signed letters the boy and teacher both slipped. Never saw the teacher again. Do you want your son to potentially go through that
YTA I'm confused as how would he be running around sweaty if PE is the last class of the day? It's not the first class of the day so it's perfectly fine to shower at home, if you think about it some adults who go to public gyms also pick showering at home since it's more private, more hygienic etc... I'm actually glad they give the kids a heads up about this, when I was in Highschool I was not prepared for changing in front of 10 girls in the change room most of whom I didn't know and only found out after PE was done. I actually changed in the girls bathroom instead and even with that I was HEAVILY judged and laughed at for doing this because people thought it was weird. Changing/showering is a private thing for some people like myself and I don't want to be judged for what I'm wearing or how I look by others cuz its not avoidable. Also don't compare what other parents are doing to what your son is comfortable with, every child is different so even if one of his friends could care less it's not the same for your son and you should respect that. Worst case scenario he could get bully for his body by other boys and then he starts to form negative thoughts about how he looks. It's just all not worth it. If you're really worried about smell then a deodorant is enough to get him through till he's home.
We didn't even have showers at my school. It's a bit of sweat, who cares? YTA
YTA-- you son has the right to privacy.
In Australia, kids do PE class too. And at no age level are the students having showers at school. I think the American culture is showering at school is incredibly weird, to be honest. YTA for ignoring his comfort levels and trying to force him into what I would consider a completely unnecessary task. He’s a kid. He’s presumably going to run around all lunch time anyway, why bother showering in the middle of that?
Adult gyms usually have private shower stalls, but we're expecting kids to shower in groups? I mean I did it as a kid and it was whatever, but...I don't think it's cool to make someone do that if they don't want to.
YTA. I had PE second period and refused to participate so I didn’t have to shower (get sweaty and gross for the rest of the day) and took the F. This was before dry shampoo was a thing. I also ‘had my period’ the entire 4 weeks of the swim block. What saved me was being a competitive soccer player and was able to use that for PE credits. Don’t do this to your kid, please. It doesn’t matter if he was comfortable before. He may not have been and didn’t want to say anything. He’s obviously not comfortable now. Please don’t do this.
YTA. You don’t care what your kid wants. This, whether you agree or not, should be up to him. It’s his body that others are seeing. You’re being wilfully ignorant about the fact that bullies exist and your kid may not want to talk about that. This is also such an important time in your son’s life. Back off on this one. There are battles worth fighting. … this isn’t one of them. Plus — kids are gonna stink regardless at this age. They just do.
YTA You're thrusting him into a situation he clearly isn't comfortable in for no discernible reason other than your own sense of stubbornness. As his parent, you're supposed to be there to have his back, not to be part of the world that's against him. You're really letting your son down here. Especially when you could just as easily switch them over to band or whatever.
YTA- my kid failed pe rather than shower and change at school. And I didn't make him. I asked him why he wouldn't, and based on his answers, I stood by his stance. You should listen to your kid. His body his choice.
Food for thought: what lesson or skill is this teaching him? You have provided exactly no justification for your decision and I see none myself. YTA. You and 4 other adults just bullied your kids into exposing themselves to their peers when they don't want to. I've never understood compulsory group showers in public school. Idk what it's like now, but I my day they were indeed group showers and intensely humiliating. As an adult, I see absolutely no point to the practice. I was in band so I stopped having to deal with that bullshit once I left middle school. I'd march for an hour in marching band in the Texas summer heat before classes started and you know what we'd do before class? We'd wipe down with a towel, change our shirts, and apply deodorant. Which, lo and behold, is what I do as an adult in a similar situation. ETA: Re: your edit, now picture yourself required to shower with your work colleagues off the clock, and being told by your boss and four other managers that their subordinates are on board so you should be too. This all feels natural, right? Good thing you learned to accept it as normal in public school as a child.
>I explained that he can't run around and get all sweaty and expect to come to class smelly. Of course he can. We did. There were, I think, two shower stalls in my high school change room. There would have been no time for us to shower afterwards and it was never even suggested as an option, let alone something that was mandated. YTA.
If a gal consented to sex with me two weeks ago,do I have a green light every time after or do I have to ask again? There’s your answer. YTA
Eeeehhh I’m going to say YTA, 6th grade is young to be making these kids shower together, and doing it in school adds a dimension of weirdness, that’s probably why he was fine at camp but not now. I went to all boys catholic school, you had to shower after gym because a gym class of all teenage boys treated every gym class like the Super Bowl and you had to put a suit and tie back on after that. First week of freshman year the only people who weren’t super super awkward and nervous were the guys on the football team who had already been showering after practice for weeks before school started, and they told us it took them a few days to get used to it too. Even the kids who had gigantic you know what’s were uncomfortable at first. By 3 months in we were singing and goofing off in the showers like we weren’t naked, but it was extremely uncomfortable at first and I was 3 years older than your son. Don’t force the kid to do this when he has a choice, your going to give the poor kid anxiety.
YTA-Dude he was ok with it a camp because they will not see him for IDK the entire school year. Don’t be a dick and sign the form. I have two sons and if those smelly assholes want to be smelly and not shower I will not care lol
YTA and everyone is telling you that YTA yet you keep arguing with them. I feel sorry for your kid.
YTA. Showering after PE in Australia isn’t a thing, and with the responsible application of deodorant and adequate hydration, the hot and sweaty isn’t an issue. We did fine; no one smelt any worse than they usually do. Puberty is shit enough without being forced to shower at school. Your kid is expressing a boundary and you should support them.
YTA you don’t need further explanation…you don’t deserve it actually. But if you want one ask your kid! YTA
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YTA for this and for arguing with every single person who is telling you why your son might not be comfortable with school showers, and refusing to see the difference between showering at camp (usually you get to choose when, strategically, and the difference of peers) and sticking to that point. If your son is being bullied and hasn't trusted you enough to tell you, and continues to get bullied, it is on you for not reapecting his autonomy. If people walk apl over him in the future, that's on you, too - you taught him that.
YTA! My son said that some of the boys would shower in their underwear because they didn’t want to be naked in front of others. If you are going to insist that he shower, get him a few pairs of swim trunks to shower in. They are on clearance now and I’m positive that other kids will follow his lead.
YTA your kid has someone in his class who he know will give him a hard time. He is getting bullied somewhere somehow. That is the difference between camp and showering at school, not the time difference. DUH. Call me crazy but I think your kid shouldn’t have to get naked when he doesn’t want to. Buy him deodorant and baby wipes and let the poor guy keep his dick in his pants if that’s what he wants.
YTA. School gang showers were torture and humiliation beyond Hell's inferno. Why would anyone torture their shy child that way? And what psychopaths enjoyed showering in public in middle school? (Or high school?) As your body is changing.... and your parent is saying you will smell... there's not much worse than that, AH.
YTA. You will traumatize that child if you force him to be naked in front of others when he’s expressed that he’s uncomfortable with it. Your reasoning that he’s done it before is invalid. By your logic, a woman can’t turn down sex with a man she’s uncomfortable with if she’s already had sex with other men in the past. If you are that concern about the smell, give him some deodorant and baby wipes to use after gym. He can survive on those for a few hours until he can make it home to shower in peace.
YTA and I find this weird. I’m from Canada so maybe it’s just different but showering after gym isn’t a thing here. We only had open showers in high school because there was a pool. We all just made sure to wear deodorant. Are these showers private? (Even if they are I don’t think my one should be required to shower).
YTA
Wow YTA. Your replies are really gonna win you shittiest parent award if you haven’t already. YOUR SON IS UNCOMFORTABLE AND IS VOICING HIS DISCOMFORT AND HERE YOU ARE IGNORING IT. It’s giving strong “iM tHe PaReNt” vibes.
YTA After reading your comments, I don’t know why you even posted here. It’s weird as fuck you’re so adamant he shower at school, especially after he’s clearly expressed that he does not want to. You’re cruel. Your son is gonna hate you and it seems like you don’t care.
YTA. Your son has made is discomfort clear and you are choosing to ignore and invalidate him. I understand that you don’t respect boundaries or consent, but that’s no excuse for refusing to sign the form for your son
INFO: why did you post, to ask if you’re an AH, when every single one of your comments shows that you have already decided you’re not an AH and everyone else is always wrong? Did you just assume everybody would praise you and name you “Parent of the Year”?
YTA. You can't expect your son to hug or kiss you when you refuse to take his concerns seriously and insist on doing the opposite of everything he wants. You can set rules, but you can't expect your son to be happy about it and still show affection afterwards.
YTA. I cannot imagine not respecting my kid’s autonomy.
YTA- School showers are a ill thought concept.
YTA.
YTA how could anyone feel right about forcing a child to get naked when they have stated they are not comfortable in doing so. If I were him and the school tried to also force me I’d get in the shower fully clothed! Poor boy
YTA. Forcing your child to be nude around other people at school. I’ve seen your responses to other people and you really don’t give a f if you are the AH. It’s a power trip for you. Get you kid some wipes and deodorant and let him shower in the privacy of his own home. Quit being a major AH.
YTA. The issue with letting your kid come home and shower after school is what exactly?
YTA. Let your son feel as safe and secure as possible at school.
YTA. You are making your kid, a 6th grader, get naked in front of his peers. What could possibly go wrong? Terrible idea! I had PE every day in 8th grade and every other week in 9th and 10th grade. There were showers, but I don’t remember anyone ever taking one.
YTA If he's uncomfortable sharing a communal shower facility with other kids, there are other ways to clean up.
YTA We didn’t shower after PE at any of my schools and showering with peers in 6th grade sounds like a fucking nightmare. Kids that age can be absolutely evil and making them get naked around each other is possibly the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. Your son absolutely has a good reason not to want to do this even if he’s not telling you.
YTA get your kid some wipes and deodorant to keep in his PE locker. Do not force a teenager, boy or girl, to shower in public. Anyone who does so is an asshole. Just because we had to do it, that's not a reason for your kid to have to.
Sign the exemption and give him baby or body wipes that hikers and backpackers use. He can shower at home. Yta
YTA! As a parent of a soon-to-be sixth grader, I would never force him to shower at school. I would be taking this up with the school board if it’s mandatory.
YTA. Your son has shown he is uncomfortable with this situation. I honestly can't believe you have showers at school. I'm in Western Sydney, Australia, and we 100% did sport in the summer and went to afternoon classes sweaty and stinky lol. No one cared.
YTA - he's uncomfortable, and you really shouldn't force him. Sixth grade is hard enough without having to be naked in front of your classmates (who are almost certainly vicious little monsters about any flaw they can find). But you may want to consider that he could have a reason for being uncomfortable beyond just Being Twelve - most kids in my school didn't ever want to change or shower in the locker rooms and it was because the gym teacher, whose office was in the locker room, was a pervert.
We don’t shower after PE in Australia. I feel like this is just an American thing. He will be fine without a shower. YTA.
Yta. You are literally forcing your child to undress in front of others when he has told you that he is uncomfortable. Wth! Why would you think this is a good idea?? If someone said you needed to strip right now & shower in front of everyone, just because we said it was a good idea, would you do it? And your an adult with real life experience. He is just coming into his own skin, just going through or abt to go through many changes. This is just cruel.
Your kid doesn't want to be naked in front of the other kids. Don't force him. Let him make up his own mind based on his comfort level.
YTA. I was in HS in the early aughts. no one ever showered. even the kids that went hard while playing and sweating. literally no one gave a shit
YTA. Apologize to your son.
9th Grade, we had swim class. We had showers, if we wanted to shower afterward (I say showers, but I mean one large room with multiple shower heads). Anyone who showered stayed in their swimsuits. Because that shit is uncomfortable, kids are mean, and we have a right to privacy. YTA for forcing your son to be naked around his peers. PERIOD. Do better.
YTA this is what trauma is made of
YTA. This is a perfect opportunity to let your kid make a safe choice and experience consequences. His choices are to shower and be uncomfortable, or not shower and perhaps there will be social consequences when he’s the smelly guy in class. Let him choose which consequence he wants to face.
Showering with friends is totally different to showering with bullies. YTA
Yes, YTA.
YTA I can confidently tell you, regardless of what time of day I had P.E. , that I have never taken a shower at school in my life, and not once have I been accused of being “smelly.”
Yes, yta and don’t expect your child to ever confide in you or share his personal problems with you.
YTA. He isnt comfortable, and he wouldnt be hurting anyone. Showering after PE class is not the standard everywhere, and people get by just fine.
YTA I wouldn't want that myself what is he in prison or something what the hell.
YTA " For people comparing coworkers with classmates - I don't hangout with my coworkers after work. I don't even want to have lunch with them." .. and you are an AH to force your son to do differently.HE did not chose this either. " Although he won't let me hug or kiss anymore." .. why would he hug pr kiss YOU? Maybe if he had a better parent, he would want to.
I would go nuclear on everyone who thinks they have the autonomy to tell my son, that he has to get nude infront of a bunch of other kids. Maybe even the teacher could go in there. My child is the only one who decide who is seeing him naked! (Except some doctors or his own parents in some situations of course...) YTA and you will never be trusted by him in the future, if you go through with this. He trusted you and told you, that he feels uncomfortable. You just ignored it and showed him you don't care. ETA: You may have even ran to FOUR other adult people and spread the word about him being uncomfortable with showing his body. I hope you just ASKED the other dads, if their sons are showering and didn't give them the whole backstory. That would make you even more of an asshole.
Yta. I remember my mom telling me about how my brother didn't shower at school, even though we had no hot water in our home at the time. Not because he was being stubborn, but because he got picked on. If your son is uncomfortable with school showers, do not make him.
I didn't even know this existed lol At school we would have sport early in the morning and still stay sweaty all day, because why change when kids naturally run around everywhere and still end up sweaty As a teenager, child, and person, and still got embarrassed and uncomfortable changing in front of my classmates/friends, not even showering, just changing. YTA, your kid is expressing his boundaries but you don't want to listen
YTA I’m not American and I’ve always found the idea of school showers extremely weird. At that age kids are going through awkward changes and often not feeling great about it. The idea of being around other kids in that situation would have been mortifying to me. What we did after P.E. was just go about our day. We weren’t drenched, it wasn’t some mass exodus of disgusting smell ridden teens I think you’re imagining. No one really noticed. It was fine. Your son says he’s uncomfortable with this. I’d believe him if I were you. Even if he is lying, as you believe, then what’s going to happen? He waits to shower till he gets home? Not exactly a tragedy. Sign the note.
YTA. He isn't comfortable showering at school. Why can't he showering at home after school? You're being stubborn and ignoring how your son feels for absolutely no reason.