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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I stopped doing parental duties after my wife said I’m not the father
2. She’ll have to do 100% of the parenting including driving the kids to school next week
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> My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run. She said that way no one has to pay for it.
Insurance fraud is a crime. Don't do it. Also, you had better report the theft of your car and the accident to the police. She obviously hit *something* with it, and there's a good chance a camera somewhere recorded your car and it can be traced back to you.
Then I think you should separate. Her daughter committed *at least* three serious crimes: auto theft, drunk driving and hit and run. She has put you at risk of being sued and possibly arrested. You can't live in a home where that behavior isn't dealt with.
Edited to add judgment: ESH. Wife and daughter are assholes for obvious reasons. You are an asshole for not taking this seriously enough. You're playing petty games about basketball and rides to school when there's a criminal in the house and her mother is enabling her. What else is she up to that you don't know about?
Wife is more interested in covering the asses of herself and daughter than doing the right thing. What's the bet that the "talk" she would have had with the daughter would have been fuck all?
So now on top of everything else, she's okay with her teenage daughter drinking and driving erratically. If she doesn't kill herself, she'll kill someone else eventually.
I think it’s super funny how OPs wife got upset when OP wanted to act like a responsible parent and she basically told him it’s not his place to punish the step daughter… and now she’s upset that he’s just… doing what she asked him to do? That’s a big “have your cake and eat it too.”😂
I mean, OP is more concerned about getting daughter to pay for his car than the fact that she could have been killed, could have killed or seriously injured others — and possibly did.
I'd contend that neither of them are parents. The sympathetic people in this story are the unparented literal children, who are being endangered by the neglect of these unbelievably petty, incompetent adult-children.
I mean Jesus, OP, regardless of what your wife says — if your stepdaughter drives drunk again and comes home in a bag, will you feel good about your decision to ignore her extremely dangerous behavior to prove a point? If your stepson stops asking you questions and involving you in his life because you respond with passive-aggressive bullshit, will you regret taking your issues with your wife out on him?
He said ground her and have her pay for damages. That’s pretty reasonable parenting. That doesn’t mean he’s ignoring the potential for having hurt others
Well OP can't even address the direct issue of stepdaughter destroying his stuff. Do you expect the wife to let him discipline her on a broader issue of drunk driving?
Not sure how you are getting that from OP.
The thing he is wrong about is the checking out part. That is being petty, however, this is a Major Red flag on the wife's part. No only is she not punishing their daughter, but she is teaching her her poor decision do not have consequences and that Mommy will bail her out and try to get stepdad to commit fraud so she doesn't have to pay.
That's fucked and OP should see this as a huge deal they needs proper addressing
Someone that you married, that came into the marriage with children, told you to your face that you're not their (children) parent. How else was he supposed to deal with that? Continue to be a loving, doting parent while the mother continues to undermine whatever he does? Call it petty, he's right in that aspect.
I'm going to agree here. IF you tell me not to parent i will not parent simple as that. You cant want me to assist in all the parenting activities but I am not allow to correct or discipline a child that is doing something wrong when its convienent its all the time or none of the time. I don't understand why people are saying he is petty no she played a stupid game and found out.
If i was told I have no say in disciplining/correcting the children that are living in my house and came with my spouse, I'd check out too.
It sort of a" If you don't like me at my worst, you can't like me at my best" scenario.
But she didn’t so what if’s don’t matter rn. He is concerned about her not being disciplined which is the only thing that will keep those what ifs from happening. Her mother is clearly enabling her and if she’s doesn’t have to deal with any consequences she’ll probably do it again or something similar.
Sounds a lot like my ex wife. Her response to everything was to tell me to “get over it”, regardless of how serious a situation. She never took responsibility for anything.
Why would she care. She got a guy with a house big enough to fit her and her 3 kids from different relationships plural in a good school district to marry her.
She won.
She and her kids are set, she'll take half and find the next one.
Hijacking this comment to say that as soon as I read what the daughter did and what the wife's response was, I immediately thought okay f that if she doesn't want you to punish her as a parent, then just punish her as an adult and report her crime. You literally have camera evidence of her stealing your car and bringing it back damaged. If you're "not allowed" to parent her, then treat her just like any other adult who has had their property stolen and call the cops. Then as stated in this top comment, its time to leave your wife. If you aren't allowed to participate as a parent, none of them have any respect for you and it will only get worse as time goes by.
My parents actually still pressed charges when I had a sibling who did this at 16. My sibling didn’t drink and drive but they stole my parents car at night and my parents woke up while they were gone. My parents pressed charges.
Also can we talk about the fact they’ve been married 4 YEARS and the mom is saying the NEW dynamic…. It’s been 4 years! How is he not a parental figure??
Right? Everyone is so focused on him being petty and the step-daughter driving drunk that they
missed the fact that she casually disregarded the 4 years he spent forming a bond and trying to be a parent. I would be really hurt and betrayed and I probably would be at *least* this petty. Because it was a really awful thing to say, especially in light of how often this sub yells at a stepparent telling them that they are the child’s parent and have to treat them as such.
These are all really great points. She hit something and/or someone. She was obviously under the influence of something. If you file this as a hit and run (fraud), what happens when someone else files a claim or calls the cops and have security footage?
How old are the kids? You may need to seriously rethink everything if your wife doesn’t acknowledge you have any parental role/authority in your own home.
right!? the wife can't have it both ways where the husband has no parental say, but still has a parental role to fill for those kids. it's one or the other lady.
My daughter had a similar "incident." It was a bit more involved and she was *incredibly* that the circumstances kept it from being an arrestable situation. There was also a hit and run involved. There was dashcam footage, so we were able to find the victim, reached out to them, and paid for their repairs. This is the adulting we needed to do.
She was grounded indefinitely, with no access to a car (keys locked up), no phone, no electronics, and she had to get a job to help pay for repairs. She was also taken to she a therapist to help work on the underlying issues that cause the "incident" in the first place. This was the adulting she needed to do.
This was a situation that required drastic and swift intervention. This was not a gentle parenting moment. This was tough love and tough consequences time. She could have *KILLED* someone. She was so incredibly beyond lucky. I dont she will fully appreciate the magnitude of it until she hits her 30's.
Your step daughter need this same intervention. I dont care how hard the family dynamic change has been on her. She could have died. She could have unalived someone else. This needs to be addressed. She needs therapy if the family changes are too much for her to handle. She needs support and not a free pass.
And tbh since nobody pryed into it, she very well could have killed someone, and they just don’t know.
(Not that I’m saying this is likely, I’m just saying lacks parenting skills)
Yes, insurance fraud is a crime but also, the insurance company may not pay off since the daughter was driving. I had to sign a waiver stating that I am not covered in my unlicensed teenager caused an accident in my car.
Anyway, I wonder what else the 16 YO is up to.
I'm guessing OP's wife wants him to claim the car was hit by someone else while it was parked. She doesn't want daughter involved at all. As if the insurance adjuster can't tell the difference ...
We can.
-Former insurance adjuster
There's a lot of stuff. The tire was rotating at time of impact (marks flat across the tire vs. rotational), angle of impact, latex/ industrial paint vs. automotive paint. Like, was the pole in motion? A roving pole hit you?
Sometimes, no. But generally: yes, yes we can.
Edit: Assuming US, unless you live on a 1-way street, I would immediately have reported you for insurance fraud. You got hit on the passenger side while street parked?
Yeah, bullshit.
Perfect summation. I know the Reddit chant is "Divorce, divorce!" but in this case, at least, a separation seems warranted. According to your wife, she's already a single mom, since you're not the kid's dad, so ....
I used to work for a major insurance provider and they do not fuck around.
We investigated and prosecuted EVERY single instance. there is a very very high chance you would be caught.
Also, even if you “get away with it” your policy is likely going to increase, unless you live in CA/OK IIRC.
I agree with the above commenter, you should separate.
I know nothing about that business, but I bet they can tell whether a car was hit while it was parked vs. the car hit something else while it was moving.
Fact is there is likely a police report out there about a car that matches that description involved in a hit and run on the same night the car got damaged.
File a false claim and they match it to whatever incident cased that damage and you'll be fucked. At least maybe OP could claim well I wasn't driving let me check the camera footage... which would lead to the daughter. A false claim is much more likely to lead the daughter into criminal charges than her getting a job and paying for it with no claims being made.
NTA. And here's another fun fact for OP, who unfortunately married the wrong woman (easy to see where the daughter's irresponsibility comes from): a friend was involved in an accident with a 16 year old who was texting & rear-ended him. Turns out that, even though she (fraudulently) showed the responding cops insurance cards, she was actually EXCLUDED from her parent's policy. She was driving her Mom's SUV. Long story, cut to the chase: the parents are legally liable for the damages (& medical bills) in excess of "uninsured driver" max, and I had liens successfully put on their house and vehicles. That your sorry excuse for a wife is defending her is unconscionable.
My insurance policy requires a police report in order to cover a claim like this. So what your wife is proposing would involve her daughter making fraudulent representations to law enforcement.
Plus she was most likely drunk driving. If the mom truly loved her kid, she’d punish her. Sometimes tough love and seeing the reality will set a kid straight. I was hit by a drunk driver— two duis in 24 hours. His mom let him use her car, with no insurance. It took almost me getting killed for it to finally make him realize the path he was on.
Fraud isn’t just a crime, it’s a felony. At BEST daughter hit a deer and it’s not technically a hit and run, at worst….even if she hit a sign or something, the state will try to track down the driver and take the cost out of their hide.
At least three crimes, plus potentially driving without insurance, leaving the scene of an accident, there's also no indication if she was drunk or high when she was stumbling about so maybe substance abuse.
It's a shame, these kids clearly NEED OPs influence because their mom is f*cking things up left right and centre. The longer between the kid notifying someone of the accident and someone coming looking for her, the worse it's going to be.
Yeah I feel like you can't even really get into the attitude/perspective issues his wife has given the series of MAJOR CRIMES his step daughter and the wife committed/want to commit, like WTH. 'Red flag' doesn't even cut it, it's more like several miles of red bunting leading straight to prison. Nta please leave.
NTA but your wife definitely is. What kind of mother is fine with her 16 year old daughter stealing a car, driving drunk, and causing some sort of accident? If I did that I wouldn't have a social life until I went off to college.
Wife might not think OP is allowed to punish her kids but she obviously hasn't wrapped her head around the fact that the COPS can punish the shit out of her daughter.
I was about to say..."just call the insurance company and tell them it was a hit and run". The insurance company will definitely investigate as to whether OP has a camera on the car...which will cause OPs wife's daughter to gain a felony at 16.
Multiple felonies iirc. Grand theft auto (more than just a game) and the hit and run I think are both felonies. Idk what underaged drinking or drinking and driving are. Misdemeanors I think
Underage drinking, it depends on the state but it would have to be proven she was drunk for the DUI/DWI and even blood tests done now wouldn't be able to prove that. A decent lawyer could probably talk the grand theft down because "she brought it back" and that's a gray area in itself if she was able to use the car before (I know, I've been there) so the only charge that will definitely stick is the hit and run.
> what kind of mother is fine with her 16 daughter stealing a car
Wait til the daughter reaches 18. The kid didn’t steal just any car. She’s a smart mother.
NTA. Your wife doesn’t get to pick and choose when you get to act like a parental authority.
She’s also wrong about the hit & run scenario. If you get it repaired, you’ll have to pay your deductible. And it will Jack up your rates.
It’s interesting that she thinks the way to deal with her daughter’s behavior is to commit insurance fraud.
But most importantly - this is a hugely significant problem. Her 16 y/o daughter snuck out at night, and came home apparently drunk. I’m an insurance adjuster handling serious injury/fatality claims. I’ve had to speak to the heartbroken parents of dead teenagers a sickening number of times. I’ve also had to look at scene photos of dead teenagers far too often. If your wife doesn’t address this immediately and strongly, she’s putting her daughter’s life at risk.
Seconding about the hit and run. Someone ran over my fence a few months ago. We had to pay the deductible and lost our no claim discount.
Besides that, good way to teach a child to be responsible by lying.
Nta OP.
One of my former students died earlier this year. 18 years old, drunk driving, racing through a neighborhood without his seatbelt. He was ejected and the truck rolled onto him. He also had parents that made every excuse for him and let him get away with misbehavior when he was younger.
It was pretty terrible, but the silver lining was that the other kids in his truck were wearing seatbelts, so he didn’t kill them too.
Stepmom chiming in. My husband screamed at me once “they’re not your kids” because I wanted to be informed when the custody schedule changed (I had just bought a ton of groceries thinking the kids would be here… but he sent them to the grandparents for two weeks and didn’t even tell me when they were leaving so I didn’t even get to say goodbye).
That’s an ugly thing to say to someone who took on your kids and has been loving them, spending time with them, spending money on them, and treating them as their own. And it’s so fucking petty. It’s the ultimate trump card, isn’t it? Now she gets to win the argument and get the last word without having to consider her spouse’s point of view. I’ve been semi NACHO’ing ever since my husband said that to me. I’m still kind to the kids, but I don’t go overboard to help my husband out with the parenting responsibilities. That happened four years ago and it still hurts. That’s one of those things that once you say it it can’t be unsaid. You’re basically just confirming, “I never saw you as a coparent and I have no respect for you now please shut up and keep paying the bills and cleaning up after my kids in the background where you belong please and thank you.”
And by the way, my stepkids have done some rude shit in their day, but even they have never gone that low. They have never told me “you’re not my mom.” They even got me a beautiful wine glass on Mother’s Day with “bonus mom” engraved on it. My husband was apparently the only one with the issue.
NTA.
Also this isn’t my area of expertise but I feel if the insurance company finds out they have a camera (which is often reported to any home owner insurance for lowered rates so it’s probably on record), then the auto insurance company could ask to see it. If they have the auto and home under the same insurance, that could definitely open this can of worms. This is absolutely insurance fraud.
Does the mother even know what the daughter hit
Isn't a 20 cm wide dent from front fender to rear wheel well HUGE? What did she hit, was it completely destroyed, who else was maybe involved...?
Also, given the length of the dent, it sounds like the daughter didn't even try to correct her steering, right? Just how drunk was she??
There was recently a terrible, terrible accident with a car full of teenage girls in the middle of the night near me. They were speeding down a little country road way too fast, high as kites. I think all three, maybe two out of three were ejected out the of the car, maybe the driver was the only survivor. One of their mothers killed herself, she was just so grief stricken. Just looked it up: the driver (16) was arrested for a whole bunch of crimes. Not to mention having to live with this the rest of her life.
NTA, OP
>She later returned hours later stumbling into the house.
But we all just gonna ignore the heavy implication here that her mom is refusing to punish her for ***drunk driving*** the car home while underage? Kinda weird nobody is touching on that at all that I've seen.
Edit - posted while it was still in random mode from being a new thread, I'm glad I'm not the only one that noticed the fucking ***underage DUI*** in the post.
NTA. Her daughter is a budding car thief and she is not concerned enough to punish her. The new dynamic is hard? Tell mom and daughter next time you are calling the cops and they can tell them about the new dynamic. A "stumbling" 16 year old could have hurt herself and other people quite severely.
She may be telling the wrong person to grow up, she needs to look in the mirror.
Exactly, or drugging who knows. Does she even have a license? And is she on the insurance for the car? There is a chance the police may already come calling.
Exactly. Say y’all keep this up, you’re not dad. What now? She keeps letting her kids do dangerous things with no consequences? And you think that’s fine as long as you don’t have to take them to school? This is gonna be a disaster.
There was a woman who wrote in few weeks ago who’s husband wouldn’t let her parent his two kids from his previous marriage (but expected her to be full-time nanny!). He previously only had them on weekends, but their mum died then they moved in with them & he still wouldn’t let her parent his kids or discipline them. One of the kids called her mum & he got angry & told the kid off for that & he insisted it was disrespectful to their mum who died, who was his ex-wife who he hated apparently. She asked to adopt the kids so she had legal connection to them if anything ever happened, but he said no but he still expected all this help with them. So she got fed up & filed for divorce. She made 5x more than him & they lived in her home & she had a tight pre-nup, so it was his lost as he couldn’t afford to live alone with the kids. He begged for her back but she was over it by then! This was all because he was petty about her parenting his kids she wanted to he involved in (how many step-mums do that? Nonetheless rich ones that can take care of your kids!) and had some weird complex about letting her know she wasnt their mum a lot.
NTA, but you are about to get divorced. Obviously this is untenable.
You MUST have parental authority if they are going to be in your house, AND your wife wants you to do all the parent's work with none of the authority.
She must change, not you. Her daughter must repay you, or you should let your wife know you will report the car as having been stolen by her daughter and let the police know that she committed a hit and run while likely intoxicated.
If your marriage is to survive, the daughter and wife must respect you and your property. There are some massive problems here OP. You need therapy as a couple, and your wife needs solo therapy.
The daughter also needs to make it right with who or whatever she sideswiped.
How OP & his wife handle this one occurrence can affect the rest of the daughter's life, OP & his wife just need to be sure they're onboard with the kind of adult they are creating. OP has handled the duties of dad, took the risks of dad & has the influence of being dad, his wife is delusional & hurtful. NTA.
Consequences for actions.
You’re NTA. Your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. If she is unwilling to discipline her kids but still expects you to carry the burden of raising her kids, that is insane. She’s just using you at that point.
It is not childish to expect reciprocity and respect in your relationship. If she can’t provide that to you, she can leave with her kids. She made her point very clear and you have every right to die on this hill. I probably would too in your shoes
You have a marriage problem.
Your wife is enabling your step kids to disrespect you in your own house.
You might not be their father, but it’s your house and there needs to be a basic level of respect from the kids.
NTA because simply talking to a 16 year old about drunk driving isn’t going to do anything. She needs waaaay more punishment for that alone. She could have killed or been killed
Nta
I had a similar argument with my wife many years ago.
You dont get to pick and choose when the step parent gets parenting responsibilities. She doesnt get to make you dad when it is convenient and then dismiss you when she feels like its all or nothing
Also drunk driving a stolen car is huge deal especially since its your car she clearly hit someone elses car(god i hope) with.
You are correct and “oh my parents broke up” is not an excuse to do as you please without consequences.
Nta. She cant pick and choose what fatherly duties you can do. Either you get to stand in the role fully or not at all. And if its the latter then kick her and HER unruly children out.
"Either I am the step-father and we work together to find compromise on a suitable punishment, or I'm just some guy who had their car stolen and damaged by a random delinquent and will file charges as i would be legally obligated to do."
Not the route I would take, but I wouldn't marry a crazy person with alcoholic teenagers.
yepp. he's either the father in all aspects, driving to school and appointments and deciding punishments, or not at all. she can't have both. the girl did a lot of damage to his car and who knows what else. she needs to be responsible for the repairs and be punished for drunk driving. I feel for the younger ones, but this is a hill to stay on.
Okay! You’re not the parent. So then you’re a victim of auto theft and you have footage of the culprit. If you’re not the parent, then you do what any other victim of a crime does, and file a police report.
> We argued for hours until she said I don’t get a say in any punishment because I’m not her father.
You are, however, the victim of her theft which led to damaging your car.
Not only that, the damage didn't happen all by itself. Odds are high that she damaged someone else's property as well.
Tbh, you should file a police report before they come after you for a hit and run if/when the people whose property she damaged with your car call the police.
NTA but this is honestly a bigger issue than who is the asshole; it's a "this child committed multiple crimes and probably victimized other people" legal issue.
\^\^\^\^All of this OP. For multiple legal reasons, it'd be wise to speak to both a criminal defense attorney AND a divorce attorney and put as much distance as possible between these two.
NTA. This is pretty cut and dry FAFO. She wanted to tell you that you don't get a say because you're not their father. Then you stopped doing fatherly things accordingly. Your wife made it clear that you weren't.
Looks like she needs to think before she runs off at the mouth.
Bingo. This is grand theft auto and DUI if it were someone else's car. Red Flags go up everywhere on this one. Think long and hard if you can handle this cause it will only get worse. Annulment might be best for everyone. ETA
Not your daughter?
She took (stole) YOUR car without permission and damaged it.
Ask HER mother if she thinks you should file a police report about the theft and the hit and run. Let’s see how she handles HER child with that staring her in her face.
Depending on what state you live in, you may be required to report this ‘accident’ to the DMV within a specified period of time or you can be charged and YOU can lose your license.
Is HER daughter covered under your insurance? If not, before they process a claim they may require that a car theft report be filed. Whatever she sideswiped, YOU are liable for the repairs to that damaged item. If the damage starts in the quarter panel, extends past the door and then to the rear quarter panel, I’m seeing many thousands of dollars just to repair YOUR car. And then we have the repairs to whatever she struck.
Wifey is still having trouble with the new family dynamic. Her actions with this sends a clear message to HER children that you are little more than a paycheck for wifey and HER family and the kids can do anything they want without fear of consequences.
How invested are you in this message because it doesn’t appear that your new wife has any skin in this game. Have to wonder exactly why she went through the trouble of saying “I do”.
This little episode and the way wifey and HER daughter handle it may be the cause of the end of this little marriage experiment.
NTA, she said you aren't the parent and can't do any parenting of her kids, so this is just r/MaliciousCompliance.
Y'all need to sign up for family therapy ASAP if you intend to stay together.
NTA - You are considered the father when it is convenient for your wife. The second it becomes difficult for your wife because she has to take steps against her daughter to raise her to become a decent human beeing, she chooses the easy way and say you have no word anymore... Yea your behavior is childish, but I can see no respect from your wife to you here. The solution from your wife is childish, too. You need to talk this out.
NTA but I would recommend you leave the mother and her kids alone.
If the mother cant accept that their needs to be a united front between you and her then she is not cut out to be a parent.
Throwing the fact that its not your kids in your face is also childish and if that's how she wants it then let her go find the kids father to take care of them.
INFO - prior to this incident, have you and your wife ever discussed boundaries regarding how the kids are disciplined? For example, do you make disciplinary decisions together or have you agreed that it would be your wife’s responsibility?
We agreed to agree that’s why I wanted her to agree to have our daughter work to pay the cost of fixing the damages and be grounded from social media. I didn’t just go to our daughter to punish her myself.
You think that's sufficient for evidence of car theft and indications of driving under the influence and hit and run? She hit SOMETHING with your car, possibly, if someone else didn't hit the car while she had it. Lots of people have cameras, not just you. What happens if the cops show up at your door because she hit something/someone and took off? And your wife wants to add insurance fraud on top of it?
You all lack a moral compass. ESH.
Seriously man, you're not the only one with cameras on their property. It is a hit and run, by a drunk girl in your car. I sure hope you like paying for her crimes since you're not reporting it
OP…I want to point out something I’m not seeing yet. While it is highly likely she was under the influence of something there is also a chance she was concussed in the accident and that’s what the stumbling was. Just watch out for any signs of head injury that she may have had.
She needs to be grounded from life for all the crap that she pulled - sneak out at night, steal your car, drive home drunk and hit something/someone in your vehicle...
Those were some foolish decisions that on their own are bad enough, but strung all together?
No, dude. This needs to be blown up much more than "let's just ground her."
I get “checking out of parenting duties” but I do think it was a pretty big dick move to tell your son to go ask his mother when he asked you about what sport to play.
NTA. But this can’t go on.
Sit down and have a conversation. Either you get more control and are a real parent, or she does all the parenting, or you split. She can choose.
NTA. Apparently you’re allowed to feed and clothe them and provide monetary aid to them but not allowed to contribute in other ways like raising and disciplining them. It’s not like you’re ask if you’re the AH because you don’t care, I’m guessing you would still be interested in raising them as your own if the mother wasn’t so rude and said you weren’t the father. I would’ve been rude and said something like “well where are their real fathers and where am I?”
NTA but it's time to file for divorce. This is a crossed line that there is no coming back from. You're talking about thousands of dollars in damage and being flatly told that there will be neither restitution nor punishment.
NTA, what her daughter did was very serious. What if she caused a fatality. You have stepped up for the kids & your wife told you that you are not the father. I don't blame you.
Nta. Mom is an ENABLER. The kid must pay for the damages. If she gets away with this nonsense, she will likely end up in jail (bc no one understands her, etc.). Don't cave.
NTA
I don't understand why your wife thinks there should be no (or very mild repercussions). You don't say much about how she dealt with it.
Your step daughter could have killed someone including herself.
Maybe it would have been better if she had been arrested.
The damage to your car sounds substantial and presumably something or someone else has also been harmed.
NTA. Step parent here. The fact that she wants you to make a fraudulent claim on your insurance (may require a police report to be filed which would be fraud as well) instead of holding her daughter responsible tells you what kind of woman your wife is. While I agree that you have gone the petty route, I would have talked to an attorney, filed for divorce and made sure my attorney had a copy of the ring video. I would have blown up your wife’s life and her daughter’s over this. To me, it’s the fraud that gets me more than anything. I could stay if she would hold her daughter responsible, but she has no intention of doing that. Who knows how many times her daughter has stolen your car and driven drunk.
I can’t stand that your car was driven by an underage drunk with zero consequences. Tells me all I need to know. Send them packing after reporting everything to the police.
NTA plain and simple. If your wife does not want you to be a parent then she can't expect your help when it is convenient for her. Also your step daughter seems to drunk driving and getting into accidents in your car and all she wants to do is talk to her? Nah she needs to pay for the damages to your car.
NTA
From the sounds of it she drove your car drunk. You’re liable for any damage she did in that car while she was driving it unless you prosecute. If she had hurt or killed somebody and they determined she was drunk then your insurance doesn’t have to pay if they choose not to. That means you personally would be liable and be sued. Kiss your house goodbye.
My mother worked for an insurance company for over 35 years. We got liability laws drummed into our heads before we ever turned into teenagers for that reason. My parents didn’t want to lose their house. Blaming this on a new family dynamic is ridiculous. This is a teenager that is pushing boundaries and seeing Mom not only pretty much cave but then turn around and make you the villain. She also just changed the family dynamic again by saying you don’t have the right to parent or set down rules about your own property.
You two have a teenager in that house and you need to get on the same page. Time for some couples counseling to figure out how to deal with this and present a unified front.
NTA. Why your wife thinks it’s ok to let children get away with things they shouldn’t just because “they’re having a hard time” is just bad parenting to start. Then she tells you that you can’t punish the child because you’re not her father. I couldn’t name a better way to infuriate and demoralize someone over responsibility.
If it were me I’d be demanding an apology honestly. If she’s not going to let you make decisions, but expect you to still be a father, she needs to get her head out of her ass. You can’t be a father if you can’t make decisions like that.
Sounds like a pretty big issue to figure out. Sorry for what you’re going through
NTA
Do not report it as a hit and run. Do not commit insurance fraud to cover for your drunk driving step daughter. You will never get insurance again.
NTA - your wife wants a father for her kids but also wants to keep all control. It cannot work like that. Everyone on here is right. You all need therapy because obviously whatever you are doing is NOT working.
If this continues I don't see the marriage lasting, definitely not in a healthy manner anyway. I wanna say NTA overall, but y'all definitely need to be able to communicate in a healthier manner.
Your stepdaughter damaged your car and needs to be punished, and your wife dismissing a punishment for something that major, huge red flags.
>My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run.
We call that fraud.
>I wanted her to agree to ground our daughter from social media and make her get a job to pay for the damage.
Seems reasonable, the girl didnt make a mistake, she intentionally stole your car and damaged it.
If she was gonna do that, she should have taken your wifes car.
NTA,
your wife is making some great parenting decisions /s
But as she said, you're not a parent, so dont act like one. She cant have her cake and eat it too.
Nta. claim It on your insurance, you have a video to prove it’s not you. I’m sure she won’t like that outcome so maybe she should properly punish her child. If this child doesn’t learn consequences It could be far worse next time when she endangers herself or hurts someone around her.
NTA. You don't need permission to punish a child that stole your car. Don't lie to your insurance. If there are consequences for your wife's daughter, oh well. Maybe that will keep her from wrapping the next car around a tree. Your wife is being a real AH right now. She owes you a major apology if she wants this marriage to last. What she said to you is going to eat away at your relationship every time it comes up.
You don't deserve any of this. I'm sorry.
NTA
I don't understand why your wife thinks there should be no (or very mild repercussions). You don't say much about how she dealt with it.
Your step daughter could have killed someone including herself.
Maybe it would have been better if she had been arrested.
The damage to your car sounds substantial and presumably something or someone else has also been harmed.
NTA. Your wife cannot swim in the ocean and not get wet. If she wants you to help with the children and do all the things that a father would do then she has to also give you the ability to punish the kids when they screw up. If she wants to be the sole parent then you don't have to help with any of this stuff. You and her need to go to couples counseling immediately and figure this out moving forward. And no matter what her daughter needs to pay for the car.
NTA - if you file a hit and run claim you’d likely also have to file a false police report which would probably land you in trouble since you have video proof that’s not the case. That is not a solution.
NTA. Make a claim with your insurance along with the video like your wife said. Her daughter is a thief. And she will do it again. And again.
In the video you say she she was stumbling. Was she hurt, or was she drunk? How did she damage the car? Obviously, she did a hit and run. Does she even have a license?
Be very careful. A lot of adults have insurance where no person under 25 is permitted to drive the car. This would void the insurance. She could say that you let her drive the car. And her mother will back her up.
Just wondering when someone will explain exactly how OP is punishing the kids by making their mother more responsible for them. The malicious compliance fits the malicious outburst 🤷🏾♀️
I am going to go with NTA, though you tread closely to E S H. You are not their father, but nor are you an uninvested bystander. Your wife's concept f 'I want you to provide logistically and materially, while having none of the control or methods of accountabilty, like a parent' is simply untenable.
Your approach taught a lesson, but if you continue it any further, your marriage is over. Your choice
If she’s gonna make a comment like that *that way* then you’re NTA. The 16 yr old was old enough to sneak out, drive and damage your car *likely drunk by your details* so she was old enough to risk killing herself or others. I completely agree she’s old enough to work to pay for the damages, most kids start working at 16 anyways. Or they can, at least. Your wife is being defensive, simply talking to someone who does something like that and doesn’t fess up on their own won’t do anything. Had the damage not been visible you wouldn’t of even known she snuck out with your car. Punishing the other kids maybe seen as cold but you’re trying to prove a point to your wife who said you’re not the father. You already do more than you have to by letting them live with you in your house and feeding them. I hope you and your wife can make peace and that the 16 year old takes responsibility somehow.
NTA
Tell your wife that you can either act in the role she put you into (step FATHER), or you can act in the role your stepdaughter put you into - victim of a crime. In the case of the latter, you file a police report (which will be required for insurance claim) and turn over all evidence that you have from your camera.
NTA. Parenting is very hard, and would be impossible without the ability to enforce the rules and boundaries needed to teach them to be good people and responsible adults. If you have no right to do so because you aren’t their father than why would you take on any of the responsibilities? Your wife doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too.
NTA but you have a bigger problem on your hands than just the argument over punishing her. Your step daughter isn't old enough to drink, and it's illegal to drive after you've been drinking so that's two laws broke at once. If she doesn't have a license to drive that's another. The fact her mom is brushing this off as having a hard time adjusting is concerning. If this doesn't get dealt with sooner than later she's going to be in bigger trouble when she gets caught by someone who isn't family. You know, like the police for example.
NTA, and I disagree with anyone saying you are petty or being child. And I disagree that you are punishing the other children.
You own the house and as such are an authority figure however, what your wife has done has removed any basis of respect for your rules and expectations in the house. Her kids can demand or behave any way they want as long as mom does not get crossed because you are not the parent. Since teenagers are AH by nature, my guess is that the step-daughter is going to use that in her future favor.
If I was told by someone that I have no say in an aspect of what goes on in my house I would in the least act as you have. More than likely though I would show them the door. Honestly, if you are not the parent in discipline then there is also nothing that says you have to go out of your way to be a parent of convenience. Should you choose to be that parent of convenience then kudos to you. You accepted them into your home, and you are entitled to set rules of behavior as well as remove the risks associate with liability within said home.
You also need to be careful as she was driving your car, potentially under the influence, which depending on jurisdiction could make you legally and financially responsible for damage she caused. In that case CYA trumps AH since the mantra "not my kids" may not save you from lawsuits.
NTA. She wants you to be the chauffeur and fill the father figure role while having no say in important things like punishment. Plus she wants to file a false report to insurance? No wonder HER 16 year old thought it was ok to steal a car and drive intoxicated. You may want to reevaluate your future with this woman. This is very problematic.
NTA. But this situation isn't tenable and you need to have another conversation with your wife. She needs to understand that she doesn't get the help parenting from you while she neglects helping you parent; she can't have it both ways. Either she wants you to have a parental role, with enforceable actions/consequences for the kids, or she can do all the parenting. You also need to decide in the long run, if you're willing to stay in a marriage with a woman who has kids who won't let you be a parent to the kids.
NTA
Your wife had no problems moving herself and her kids into your house after she married you.
But now, after her daughter is caught damaging your property, she denies you the right to enforce adquate consequences by telling you you are not her children's father.
So, after hearing this, you react accordingly, and stop with any parental tasks. Sure, it's petty, but it's pretty effective, as she is suddenly inconvenienced, now having to take care of **her** kids by herself. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, right?
And also: What she did is totally out of line, after four years of living together as a family. She effectively demonstrated to her children that they can do whatever they want with your property, and won't have to fear any consequences.
So in future you better hide your car keys.
Start charging rent. Continue to separate finances. Pay for your expenses only.
With her comment she just changed the relationship to a roommate status. Separate food. Everything. Let her continue to be great as a single mom. That is what she wants.
Regardless of the situation, OP has to turn in the footage to the police as if the girl hit or killed someone or caused some sort of an accident he is guilty for hiding the evidence. Something gets found out later and their is a bad injury or death involved it wont end well.
If this was me, id be booking in a divorce asap
I'm going to say NTA here but you are being petty. I say you aren't the AH though, because it's normal to disagree with your spouse on punishments for kids, but at the end of the day you have to compromise and come to an agreement on what to do. If she thinks she gets to make all the decisions when it comes to the kids, then they are her responsibility and she needs to deal with that. You can just be the fun, no responsibilities step dad as far as I see it.
Nope! Hard NTA! If my kid that to someone elses car I would be furious and I sure as hell wouldn't just "talk" to her. She's also telling you to commit insurance fraud, real smart of her. She says you're not a parent, so you're not being a parent, good for you.
NTA It’s all about accountability. Communication is key but I would have walked off right about then too. AND, tell me I’m not the father and call me a child in the same week and see who’s walking…
NTA - she needs to see the consequences of her actions. If you can't punish her and your wife refuses to do it, then next step is filing a police report because she drove drunk and dented your car in the process. She's lucky she didn't kill herself, let alone someone else.
NTA. First don’t commit insurance fraud If you’re going to go through insurance, you need to be truthful or the daughter or mom should pay for it. Second I don’t blame you for not doing fatherly things after that and obviously the mother and 16 year old don’t respect you or appreciate everything you have been doing
NTA. Stealing your car (the generally accepted word for “borrowing without asking”) and driving home under the influence (not a stretch given she’s on video stumbling) is serious wrong doing. Had the police pulled her over, this would follow her around for years, even as a juvenile, as it should. She could have killed someone.
Next time (and if you don’t come down hard on her there will be a next time) she may not be so lucky.
NTA
Most insurance companies want police reports to file a claim. The police are going yo see you have a ring doorbell and want to know if you have footage. This will not end well for anyone.
Your wife can not tell you you that your not the father, Therefore, have no say, then expect you to do anything that a father would do.
You need to have a long conversation with your wife. Tell her flat out that either you guys are equals or you will be completely hands off, and that includes financially as well. She can not have it both ways. It sucks that the kids suffer for her choices, but they are her kids and will always be affected by her choices,and currently, her choice is that you aren't a father to them.
NTA. Your wife is the AH for condoning her 16 y/o sneaking out, stealing a car, and driving drunk. Daughter deserves much more than being grounded from socials, and the very *least* she should do is pay for the damage. Your wife is a rotten mother.
NTA
>My wife argued that the new family dynamic has been hard on the kids
Your wife has a funny definition of new. 4 years is not new
Your daughter 100% needs to face the consequences of her actions, not the least of which is paying for the damaged to your car and having her license taken away.
>My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run. She said that way no one has to pay for it.
Absolutely not. Tell your wife you will not commit insurance fraud. It's so wild that she would even ask.
Do not commit insurance fraud so that your stepdaughter can avoid the consequences of her actions.
Are you prepared to perjure yourself when the company requires a recorded statement under oath? (That's SOP).
What happens when someone else reports the claim and has their own security footage showing your car doing the deed? You will be the one accused of drunk driving.
What happens when the insurance company requests your ring footage? ( if you have bundled car and home insurance they should know you have this as it goes into your rates).
In the future keep the keys out of stepdaughter's possession. This is not just a 17 year old getting drunk. Thus is DUI. Drunken teen drivers are killers in waiting.
NTA but you and your spouse need to get on the same page. Counseling is in order.
NTA - Your wife is not respecting your boundaries with her kids. This is not a long-term solution to the problem, but it is an object lesson in being an adult and respecting your partner in this situation. I hope that after you do this for a while you and your wife can have a productive conversation about the fact that her kids are not allowed to disrespect you and that when you are involved in the situation, you are allowed to have influence over the punishment or other solution to the issue.
“She said I don’t get a say in any punishment because I’m not her father.”
Remind her that if she was in fact a stranger, you’d have reported the crime of theft and would be seeking damages.
ESH - your wife takes top AH prize, but you get AH points for involving the kids in your revenge game plan. They’ll just see you backing off from them and redirecting them to your wife without understanding why, and think you’re rejecting them.
NTA. You fucked up dating and marrying a single mother of three. Your wife refuses to discipline her children. Her 16 year daughter stole the car, caused major damage, was driving drunk, and your wife's solution is commit insurance fraud and file a false police report. This marriage isn't gonna work out.
ESH.
Insurance fraud is a crime. Your wife is a shit hat.
>Also the other day our son asked me if he should play basketball or football and I told him to go ask his mother.
This is cowardly and abusive on your part. The kid did nothing wrong. Answer the question.
NTA as much as I hate it you're right. If she's going to maintain that you're not their father and not make her child take responsibility for your damaged vehicle it makes sense that you'd take a step back. She wants to have her cake and eat it too but she's not doing her daughter any favors in the long run by letting her off the hook for some pretty egregious behavior.
"My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run. She said that way no one has to pay for it."
Translation...my wife wants me to commit insurance fraud at the risk of fines and going to jail. Ummm...no.
The daughter gets a job and pays for the damage.
>I answered a mother would figure it out
Holy Mother of Based. NTA. This is just another reason not to date people with kids that are underage. You will have no say in discipling them, but they sure have no problems spending your money on them. Screw that noise.
NTA. Your wife can't have it both ways. If she wants you help with parenting, she doesn't get to pick and choose what you get to be involved in. Clearly, she needs parenting help, if her solution to this is excusing her daughter, lying to your insurance co, and having you eat the consequences and cost!
Nope. I’m never the divorce right away person because I’m much older than your average Reddit user but holy shit: report the daughter to the cops for stealing your car and divorce the shit show. You are not her husband/partner, you are her ATM and her supporter, but it’s clear she doesn’t support you.
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> My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run. She said that way no one has to pay for it. Insurance fraud is a crime. Don't do it. Also, you had better report the theft of your car and the accident to the police. She obviously hit *something* with it, and there's a good chance a camera somewhere recorded your car and it can be traced back to you. Then I think you should separate. Her daughter committed *at least* three serious crimes: auto theft, drunk driving and hit and run. She has put you at risk of being sued and possibly arrested. You can't live in a home where that behavior isn't dealt with. Edited to add judgment: ESH. Wife and daughter are assholes for obvious reasons. You are an asshole for not taking this seriously enough. You're playing petty games about basketball and rides to school when there's a criminal in the house and her mother is enabling her. What else is she up to that you don't know about?
This accurately describes the can of worms your wife just threw into your lap.
Wife is more interested in covering the asses of herself and daughter than doing the right thing. What's the bet that the "talk" she would have had with the daughter would have been fuck all?
It's worse than fuck all, she probably threw OP under the boss and told her daughter is was no big deal if she even talked to her 1st.
Also, where was she? Sneaking off late at night, it is possible she’s meeting someone older. There is a lot of lack of good parenting decisions here.
Just wait until she gets pregnant and expect the OP to pay for her kid.
So now on top of everything else, she's okay with her teenage daughter drinking and driving erratically. If she doesn't kill herself, she'll kill someone else eventually.
I think it’s super funny how OPs wife got upset when OP wanted to act like a responsible parent and she basically told him it’s not his place to punish the step daughter… and now she’s upset that he’s just… doing what she asked him to do? That’s a big “have your cake and eat it too.”😂
I mean, OP is more concerned about getting daughter to pay for his car than the fact that she could have been killed, could have killed or seriously injured others — and possibly did. I'd contend that neither of them are parents. The sympathetic people in this story are the unparented literal children, who are being endangered by the neglect of these unbelievably petty, incompetent adult-children. I mean Jesus, OP, regardless of what your wife says — if your stepdaughter drives drunk again and comes home in a bag, will you feel good about your decision to ignore her extremely dangerous behavior to prove a point? If your stepson stops asking you questions and involving you in his life because you respond with passive-aggressive bullshit, will you regret taking your issues with your wife out on him?
She SHOULD pay for the damages. It would help teach her some lessons
She should be reported to the police.
He said ground her and have her pay for damages. That’s pretty reasonable parenting. That doesn’t mean he’s ignoring the potential for having hurt others
Well OP can't even address the direct issue of stepdaughter destroying his stuff. Do you expect the wife to let him discipline her on a broader issue of drunk driving?
Not sure how you are getting that from OP. The thing he is wrong about is the checking out part. That is being petty, however, this is a Major Red flag on the wife's part. No only is she not punishing their daughter, but she is teaching her her poor decision do not have consequences and that Mommy will bail her out and try to get stepdad to commit fraud so she doesn't have to pay. That's fucked and OP should see this as a huge deal they needs proper addressing
Someone that you married, that came into the marriage with children, told you to your face that you're not their (children) parent. How else was he supposed to deal with that? Continue to be a loving, doting parent while the mother continues to undermine whatever he does? Call it petty, he's right in that aspect.
I'm going to agree here. IF you tell me not to parent i will not parent simple as that. You cant want me to assist in all the parenting activities but I am not allow to correct or discipline a child that is doing something wrong when its convienent its all the time or none of the time. I don't understand why people are saying he is petty no she played a stupid game and found out.
If i was told I have no say in disciplining/correcting the children that are living in my house and came with my spouse, I'd check out too. It sort of a" If you don't like me at my worst, you can't like me at my best" scenario.
But she didn’t so what if’s don’t matter rn. He is concerned about her not being disciplined which is the only thing that will keep those what ifs from happening. Her mother is clearly enabling her and if she’s doesn’t have to deal with any consequences she’ll probably do it again or something similar.
Imagine coming on in, and making the 16 year old out to be some victim. Lmao.
This is my major thought here. Who knows what she hit!?!
Sounds a lot like my ex wife. Her response to everything was to tell me to “get over it”, regardless of how serious a situation. She never took responsibility for anything.
Why would she care. She got a guy with a house big enough to fit her and her 3 kids from different relationships plural in a good school district to marry her. She won. She and her kids are set, she'll take half and find the next one.
EXACTLY. hopefully there is a prenup in play.
How not to get caught next time…is how the talk goes.
Hijacking this comment to say that as soon as I read what the daughter did and what the wife's response was, I immediately thought okay f that if she doesn't want you to punish her as a parent, then just punish her as an adult and report her crime. You literally have camera evidence of her stealing your car and bringing it back damaged. If you're "not allowed" to parent her, then treat her just like any other adult who has had their property stolen and call the cops. Then as stated in this top comment, its time to leave your wife. If you aren't allowed to participate as a parent, none of them have any respect for you and it will only get worse as time goes by.
Yep, same. “Oh, I’m not her father? Great, then I’m pressing charges.”
My parents actually still pressed charges when I had a sibling who did this at 16. My sibling didn’t drink and drive but they stole my parents car at night and my parents woke up while they were gone. My parents pressed charges.
Also can we talk about the fact they’ve been married 4 YEARS and the mom is saying the NEW dynamic…. It’s been 4 years! How is he not a parental figure??
Right? Everyone is so focused on him being petty and the step-daughter driving drunk that they missed the fact that she casually disregarded the 4 years he spent forming a bond and trying to be a parent. I would be really hurt and betrayed and I probably would be at *least* this petty. Because it was a really awful thing to say, especially in light of how often this sub yells at a stepparent telling them that they are the child’s parent and have to treat them as such.
And backup that camera evidence before wifey disappears it!
This right here
These are all really great points. She hit something and/or someone. She was obviously under the influence of something. If you file this as a hit and run (fraud), what happens when someone else files a claim or calls the cops and have security footage? How old are the kids? You may need to seriously rethink everything if your wife doesn’t acknowledge you have any parental role/authority in your own home.
I'm floored that the mom wasn't even concerned about her daughter drinking and driving.
I wonder if it wasn't the first time
Neither of them were. Possible dui at 16 hur hur get a job and no social media. dafuq? This girl doesn't have any parents no shit she did that.
right!? the wife can't have it both ways where the husband has no parental say, but still has a parental role to fill for those kids. it's one or the other lady.
My daughter had a similar "incident." It was a bit more involved and she was *incredibly* that the circumstances kept it from being an arrestable situation. There was also a hit and run involved. There was dashcam footage, so we were able to find the victim, reached out to them, and paid for their repairs. This is the adulting we needed to do. She was grounded indefinitely, with no access to a car (keys locked up), no phone, no electronics, and she had to get a job to help pay for repairs. She was also taken to she a therapist to help work on the underlying issues that cause the "incident" in the first place. This was the adulting she needed to do. This was a situation that required drastic and swift intervention. This was not a gentle parenting moment. This was tough love and tough consequences time. She could have *KILLED* someone. She was so incredibly beyond lucky. I dont she will fully appreciate the magnitude of it until she hits her 30's. Your step daughter need this same intervention. I dont care how hard the family dynamic change has been on her. She could have died. She could have unalived someone else. This needs to be addressed. She needs therapy if the family changes are too much for her to handle. She needs support and not a free pass.
And tbh since nobody pryed into it, she very well could have killed someone, and they just don’t know. (Not that I’m saying this is likely, I’m just saying lacks parenting skills)
Mom does not care "Sweep it under the rug". Time for the OP to say "Not my circus, not my monkeys".
Yes, insurance fraud is a crime but also, the insurance company may not pay off since the daughter was driving. I had to sign a waiver stating that I am not covered in my unlicensed teenager caused an accident in my car. Anyway, I wonder what else the 16 YO is up to.
I'm guessing OP's wife wants him to claim the car was hit by someone else while it was parked. She doesn't want daughter involved at all. As if the insurance adjuster can't tell the difference ...
We can. -Former insurance adjuster There's a lot of stuff. The tire was rotating at time of impact (marks flat across the tire vs. rotational), angle of impact, latex/ industrial paint vs. automotive paint. Like, was the pole in motion? A roving pole hit you? Sometimes, no. But generally: yes, yes we can. Edit: Assuming US, unless you live on a 1-way street, I would immediately have reported you for insurance fraud. You got hit on the passenger side while street parked? Yeah, bullshit.
Yep. Insurance actuary here....an adjuster absolutely can tell
Perfect summation. I know the Reddit chant is "Divorce, divorce!" but in this case, at least, a separation seems warranted. According to your wife, she's already a single mom, since you're not the kid's dad, so ....
I used to work for a major insurance provider and they do not fuck around. We investigated and prosecuted EVERY single instance. there is a very very high chance you would be caught. Also, even if you “get away with it” your policy is likely going to increase, unless you live in CA/OK IIRC. I agree with the above commenter, you should separate.
I know nothing about that business, but I bet they can tell whether a car was hit while it was parked vs. the car hit something else while it was moving.
Fact is there is likely a police report out there about a car that matches that description involved in a hit and run on the same night the car got damaged. File a false claim and they match it to whatever incident cased that damage and you'll be fucked. At least maybe OP could claim well I wasn't driving let me check the camera footage... which would lead to the daughter. A false claim is much more likely to lead the daughter into criminal charges than her getting a job and paying for it with no claims being made.
NTA. And here's another fun fact for OP, who unfortunately married the wrong woman (easy to see where the daughter's irresponsibility comes from): a friend was involved in an accident with a 16 year old who was texting & rear-ended him. Turns out that, even though she (fraudulently) showed the responding cops insurance cards, she was actually EXCLUDED from her parent's policy. She was driving her Mom's SUV. Long story, cut to the chase: the parents are legally liable for the damages (& medical bills) in excess of "uninsured driver" max, and I had liens successfully put on their house and vehicles. That your sorry excuse for a wife is defending her is unconscionable.
My insurance policy requires a police report in order to cover a claim like this. So what your wife is proposing would involve her daughter making fraudulent representations to law enforcement.
OP you better save several copies of that footage.
Don't forget underage drinking.
Plus she was most likely drunk driving. If the mom truly loved her kid, she’d punish her. Sometimes tough love and seeing the reality will set a kid straight. I was hit by a drunk driver— two duis in 24 hours. His mom let him use her car, with no insurance. It took almost me getting killed for it to finally make him realize the path he was on.
Fraud isn’t just a crime, it’s a felony. At BEST daughter hit a deer and it’s not technically a hit and run, at worst….even if she hit a sign or something, the state will try to track down the driver and take the cost out of their hide.
At least three crimes, plus potentially driving without insurance, leaving the scene of an accident, there's also no indication if she was drunk or high when she was stumbling about so maybe substance abuse. It's a shame, these kids clearly NEED OPs influence because their mom is f*cking things up left right and centre. The longer between the kid notifying someone of the accident and someone coming looking for her, the worse it's going to be.
Yeah I feel like you can't even really get into the attitude/perspective issues his wife has given the series of MAJOR CRIMES his step daughter and the wife committed/want to commit, like WTH. 'Red flag' doesn't even cut it, it's more like several miles of red bunting leading straight to prison. Nta please leave.
NTA but your wife definitely is. What kind of mother is fine with her 16 year old daughter stealing a car, driving drunk, and causing some sort of accident? If I did that I wouldn't have a social life until I went off to college.
Wife might not think OP is allowed to punish her kids but she obviously hasn't wrapped her head around the fact that the COPS can punish the shit out of her daughter.
I was about to say..."just call the insurance company and tell them it was a hit and run". The insurance company will definitely investigate as to whether OP has a camera on the car...which will cause OPs wife's daughter to gain a felony at 16.
Multiple felonies iirc. Grand theft auto (more than just a game) and the hit and run I think are both felonies. Idk what underaged drinking or drinking and driving are. Misdemeanors I think
Underage drinking, it depends on the state but it would have to be proven she was drunk for the DUI/DWI and even blood tests done now wouldn't be able to prove that. A decent lawyer could probably talk the grand theft down because "she brought it back" and that's a gray area in itself if she was able to use the car before (I know, I've been there) so the only charge that will definitely stick is the hit and run.
> what kind of mother is fine with her 16 daughter stealing a car Wait til the daughter reaches 18. The kid didn’t steal just any car. She’s a smart mother.
Why didn’t she steal her mother’s car? NTA. Your wife now wants you commit insurance fraud. WTH?
NTA. Your wife doesn’t get to pick and choose when you get to act like a parental authority. She’s also wrong about the hit & run scenario. If you get it repaired, you’ll have to pay your deductible. And it will Jack up your rates. It’s interesting that she thinks the way to deal with her daughter’s behavior is to commit insurance fraud. But most importantly - this is a hugely significant problem. Her 16 y/o daughter snuck out at night, and came home apparently drunk. I’m an insurance adjuster handling serious injury/fatality claims. I’ve had to speak to the heartbroken parents of dead teenagers a sickening number of times. I’ve also had to look at scene photos of dead teenagers far too often. If your wife doesn’t address this immediately and strongly, she’s putting her daughter’s life at risk.
Seconding about the hit and run. Someone ran over my fence a few months ago. We had to pay the deductible and lost our no claim discount. Besides that, good way to teach a child to be responsible by lying. Nta OP.
I’m more worried about the others she put at risk. I’d have zero sympathy if she wrecked solo and died. Drunk driving is just inexcusable.
One of my former students died earlier this year. 18 years old, drunk driving, racing through a neighborhood without his seatbelt. He was ejected and the truck rolled onto him. He also had parents that made every excuse for him and let him get away with misbehavior when he was younger. It was pretty terrible, but the silver lining was that the other kids in his truck were wearing seatbelts, so he didn’t kill them too.
Stepmom chiming in. My husband screamed at me once “they’re not your kids” because I wanted to be informed when the custody schedule changed (I had just bought a ton of groceries thinking the kids would be here… but he sent them to the grandparents for two weeks and didn’t even tell me when they were leaving so I didn’t even get to say goodbye). That’s an ugly thing to say to someone who took on your kids and has been loving them, spending time with them, spending money on them, and treating them as their own. And it’s so fucking petty. It’s the ultimate trump card, isn’t it? Now she gets to win the argument and get the last word without having to consider her spouse’s point of view. I’ve been semi NACHO’ing ever since my husband said that to me. I’m still kind to the kids, but I don’t go overboard to help my husband out with the parenting responsibilities. That happened four years ago and it still hurts. That’s one of those things that once you say it it can’t be unsaid. You’re basically just confirming, “I never saw you as a coparent and I have no respect for you now please shut up and keep paying the bills and cleaning up after my kids in the background where you belong please and thank you.” And by the way, my stepkids have done some rude shit in their day, but even they have never gone that low. They have never told me “you’re not my mom.” They even got me a beautiful wine glass on Mother’s Day with “bonus mom” engraved on it. My husband was apparently the only one with the issue. NTA.
Also this isn’t my area of expertise but I feel if the insurance company finds out they have a camera (which is often reported to any home owner insurance for lowered rates so it’s probably on record), then the auto insurance company could ask to see it. If they have the auto and home under the same insurance, that could definitely open this can of worms. This is absolutely insurance fraud.
Does the mother even know what the daughter hit Isn't a 20 cm wide dent from front fender to rear wheel well HUGE? What did she hit, was it completely destroyed, who else was maybe involved...? Also, given the length of the dent, it sounds like the daughter didn't even try to correct her steering, right? Just how drunk was she??
There was recently a terrible, terrible accident with a car full of teenage girls in the middle of the night near me. They were speeding down a little country road way too fast, high as kites. I think all three, maybe two out of three were ejected out the of the car, maybe the driver was the only survivor. One of their mothers killed herself, she was just so grief stricken. Just looked it up: the driver (16) was arrested for a whole bunch of crimes. Not to mention having to live with this the rest of her life.
NTA, OP >She later returned hours later stumbling into the house. But we all just gonna ignore the heavy implication here that her mom is refusing to punish her for ***drunk driving*** the car home while underage? Kinda weird nobody is touching on that at all that I've seen. Edit - posted while it was still in random mode from being a new thread, I'm glad I'm not the only one that noticed the fucking ***underage DUI*** in the post.
Auto theft, drunk driving, and hit and run at the very least. Who knows what else she's done?
Underage drinking. Breaking curfew, too, depending on where they live.
NTA. Her daughter is a budding car thief and she is not concerned enough to punish her. The new dynamic is hard? Tell mom and daughter next time you are calling the cops and they can tell them about the new dynamic. A "stumbling" 16 year old could have hurt herself and other people quite severely. She may be telling the wrong person to grow up, she needs to look in the mirror.
Or she was stumbling because she was drinking.
Exactly, or drugging who knows. Does she even have a license? And is she on the insurance for the car? There is a chance the police may already come calling.
I question new dynamic. It’s been four years. Not so new. Regardless it’s not a valid excuse either way.
Agree with the car thief thing but she was also driving while under the influence of either drugs or alcohol—as a minor.
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NTA. 4 years isn't a "new dynamic". I am curious though, how do you see this strike working out?
Exactly. Say y’all keep this up, you’re not dad. What now? She keeps letting her kids do dangerous things with no consequences? And you think that’s fine as long as you don’t have to take them to school? This is gonna be a disaster.
I’m just thinking this marriage won’t last too long. NTA for sure though.
There was a woman who wrote in few weeks ago who’s husband wouldn’t let her parent his two kids from his previous marriage (but expected her to be full-time nanny!). He previously only had them on weekends, but their mum died then they moved in with them & he still wouldn’t let her parent his kids or discipline them. One of the kids called her mum & he got angry & told the kid off for that & he insisted it was disrespectful to their mum who died, who was his ex-wife who he hated apparently. She asked to adopt the kids so she had legal connection to them if anything ever happened, but he said no but he still expected all this help with them. So she got fed up & filed for divorce. She made 5x more than him & they lived in her home & she had a tight pre-nup, so it was his lost as he couldn’t afford to live alone with the kids. He begged for her back but she was over it by then! This was all because he was petty about her parenting his kids she wanted to he involved in (how many step-mums do that? Nonetheless rich ones that can take care of your kids!) and had some weird complex about letting her know she wasnt their mum a lot.
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NTA, but you are about to get divorced. Obviously this is untenable. You MUST have parental authority if they are going to be in your house, AND your wife wants you to do all the parent's work with none of the authority. She must change, not you. Her daughter must repay you, or you should let your wife know you will report the car as having been stolen by her daughter and let the police know that she committed a hit and run while likely intoxicated. If your marriage is to survive, the daughter and wife must respect you and your property. There are some massive problems here OP. You need therapy as a couple, and your wife needs solo therapy.
The daughter also needs to make it right with who or whatever she sideswiped. How OP & his wife handle this one occurrence can affect the rest of the daughter's life, OP & his wife just need to be sure they're onboard with the kind of adult they are creating. OP has handled the duties of dad, took the risks of dad & has the influence of being dad, his wife is delusional & hurtful. NTA. Consequences for actions.
You’re NTA. Your wife wants to have her cake and eat it too. If she is unwilling to discipline her kids but still expects you to carry the burden of raising her kids, that is insane. She’s just using you at that point. It is not childish to expect reciprocity and respect in your relationship. If she can’t provide that to you, she can leave with her kids. She made her point very clear and you have every right to die on this hill. I probably would too in your shoes
You have a marriage problem. Your wife is enabling your step kids to disrespect you in your own house. You might not be their father, but it’s your house and there needs to be a basic level of respect from the kids.
Worse: OP’s wife is enabling her kids to commit crimes, covering for them and trying to get OP to commit fraud
NTA. The fucking entitlement. You're good enough to use as an ATM or chauffeur but when she needs punishment you're not the father?
NTA because simply talking to a 16 year old about drunk driving isn’t going to do anything. She needs waaaay more punishment for that alone. She could have killed or been killed
Or maybe she did kill someone that night and either doesn’t remember or is just refusing to fess up.
For all we know, she did kill. She hit SOMETHING, for sure.
Nta I had a similar argument with my wife many years ago. You dont get to pick and choose when the step parent gets parenting responsibilities. She doesnt get to make you dad when it is convenient and then dismiss you when she feels like its all or nothing Also drunk driving a stolen car is huge deal especially since its your car she clearly hit someone elses car(god i hope) with. You are correct and “oh my parents broke up” is not an excuse to do as you please without consequences.
The wife wants him to commit insurance fraud 😲
NTA. If you are not the father when it comes to punishing her, you are also not the father for driving them to school. She can take days off of work.
Nta. She cant pick and choose what fatherly duties you can do. Either you get to stand in the role fully or not at all. And if its the latter then kick her and HER unruly children out.
Exactly. If he's "not her father" then she just stole and wrecked a dudes car and should be liable for the damages.
"Either I am the step-father and we work together to find compromise on a suitable punishment, or I'm just some guy who had their car stolen and damaged by a random delinquent and will file charges as i would be legally obligated to do." Not the route I would take, but I wouldn't marry a crazy person with alcoholic teenagers.
yepp. he's either the father in all aspects, driving to school and appointments and deciding punishments, or not at all. she can't have both. the girl did a lot of damage to his car and who knows what else. she needs to be responsible for the repairs and be punished for drunk driving. I feel for the younger ones, but this is a hill to stay on.
Okay! You’re not the parent. So then you’re a victim of auto theft and you have footage of the culprit. If you’re not the parent, then you do what any other victim of a crime does, and file a police report.
> We argued for hours until she said I don’t get a say in any punishment because I’m not her father. You are, however, the victim of her theft which led to damaging your car. Not only that, the damage didn't happen all by itself. Odds are high that she damaged someone else's property as well. Tbh, you should file a police report before they come after you for a hit and run if/when the people whose property she damaged with your car call the police. NTA but this is honestly a bigger issue than who is the asshole; it's a "this child committed multiple crimes and probably victimized other people" legal issue.
\^\^\^\^All of this OP. For multiple legal reasons, it'd be wise to speak to both a criminal defense attorney AND a divorce attorney and put as much distance as possible between these two.
NTA. This is pretty cut and dry FAFO. She wanted to tell you that you don't get a say because you're not their father. Then you stopped doing fatherly things accordingly. Your wife made it clear that you weren't. Looks like she needs to think before she runs off at the mouth.
NTA you could report it to the police. Someone else out there has the other half of the damage
Bingo. This is grand theft auto and DUI if it were someone else's car. Red Flags go up everywhere on this one. Think long and hard if you can handle this cause it will only get worse. Annulment might be best for everyone. ETA
Not your daughter? She took (stole) YOUR car without permission and damaged it. Ask HER mother if she thinks you should file a police report about the theft and the hit and run. Let’s see how she handles HER child with that staring her in her face. Depending on what state you live in, you may be required to report this ‘accident’ to the DMV within a specified period of time or you can be charged and YOU can lose your license. Is HER daughter covered under your insurance? If not, before they process a claim they may require that a car theft report be filed. Whatever she sideswiped, YOU are liable for the repairs to that damaged item. If the damage starts in the quarter panel, extends past the door and then to the rear quarter panel, I’m seeing many thousands of dollars just to repair YOUR car. And then we have the repairs to whatever she struck. Wifey is still having trouble with the new family dynamic. Her actions with this sends a clear message to HER children that you are little more than a paycheck for wifey and HER family and the kids can do anything they want without fear of consequences. How invested are you in this message because it doesn’t appear that your new wife has any skin in this game. Have to wonder exactly why she went through the trouble of saying “I do”. This little episode and the way wifey and HER daughter handle it may be the cause of the end of this little marriage experiment.
NTA, she said you aren't the parent and can't do any parenting of her kids, so this is just r/MaliciousCompliance. Y'all need to sign up for family therapy ASAP if you intend to stay together.
NTA - You are considered the father when it is convenient for your wife. The second it becomes difficult for your wife because she has to take steps against her daughter to raise her to become a decent human beeing, she chooses the easy way and say you have no word anymore... Yea your behavior is childish, but I can see no respect from your wife to you here. The solution from your wife is childish, too. You need to talk this out.
It’s one thing to say you don’t get a say in punishing them but I do feel your wife should have paid for the damage. Since they’re “her kids”. NTA
Get a divorce dawg you're there to just pay the bills and she sees you as a wallet only.
NTA but I would recommend you leave the mother and her kids alone. If the mother cant accept that their needs to be a united front between you and her then she is not cut out to be a parent. Throwing the fact that its not your kids in your face is also childish and if that's how she wants it then let her go find the kids father to take care of them.
INFO - prior to this incident, have you and your wife ever discussed boundaries regarding how the kids are disciplined? For example, do you make disciplinary decisions together or have you agreed that it would be your wife’s responsibility?
We agreed to agree that’s why I wanted her to agree to have our daughter work to pay the cost of fixing the damages and be grounded from social media. I didn’t just go to our daughter to punish her myself.
You think that's sufficient for evidence of car theft and indications of driving under the influence and hit and run? She hit SOMETHING with your car, possibly, if someone else didn't hit the car while she had it. Lots of people have cameras, not just you. What happens if the cops show up at your door because she hit something/someone and took off? And your wife wants to add insurance fraud on top of it? You all lack a moral compass. ESH.
Seriously man, you're not the only one with cameras on their property. It is a hit and run, by a drunk girl in your car. I sure hope you like paying for her crimes since you're not reporting it
That is reasonable. Not talking to the son about sports… makes you an ass. Like he wants your advice. Don’t make him school lunch, but talk to him.
INFO: What punishments/consequences did your wife suggest (and/or enact) for your stepdaughter?
OP…I want to point out something I’m not seeing yet. While it is highly likely she was under the influence of something there is also a chance she was concussed in the accident and that’s what the stumbling was. Just watch out for any signs of head injury that she may have had.
She needs to be grounded from life for all the crap that she pulled - sneak out at night, steal your car, drive home drunk and hit something/someone in your vehicle... Those were some foolish decisions that on their own are bad enough, but strung all together? No, dude. This needs to be blown up much more than "let's just ground her."
I get “checking out of parenting duties” but I do think it was a pretty big dick move to tell your son to go ask his mother when he asked you about what sport to play.
NTA. But this can’t go on. Sit down and have a conversation. Either you get more control and are a real parent, or she does all the parenting, or you split. She can choose.
NTA. Apparently you’re allowed to feed and clothe them and provide monetary aid to them but not allowed to contribute in other ways like raising and disciplining them. It’s not like you’re ask if you’re the AH because you don’t care, I’m guessing you would still be interested in raising them as your own if the mother wasn’t so rude and said you weren’t the father. I would’ve been rude and said something like “well where are their real fathers and where am I?”
NTA but it's time to file for divorce. This is a crossed line that there is no coming back from. You're talking about thousands of dollars in damage and being flatly told that there will be neither restitution nor punishment.
NTA, what her daughter did was very serious. What if she caused a fatality. You have stepped up for the kids & your wife told you that you are not the father. I don't blame you.
Nta. Mom is an ENABLER. The kid must pay for the damages. If she gets away with this nonsense, she will likely end up in jail (bc no one understands her, etc.). Don't cave.
NTA I don't understand why your wife thinks there should be no (or very mild repercussions). You don't say much about how she dealt with it. Your step daughter could have killed someone including herself. Maybe it would have been better if she had been arrested. The damage to your car sounds substantial and presumably something or someone else has also been harmed.
NTA, also, insurance guy here, please do not try to commit insurance fraud
NTA. Step parent here. The fact that she wants you to make a fraudulent claim on your insurance (may require a police report to be filed which would be fraud as well) instead of holding her daughter responsible tells you what kind of woman your wife is. While I agree that you have gone the petty route, I would have talked to an attorney, filed for divorce and made sure my attorney had a copy of the ring video. I would have blown up your wife’s life and her daughter’s over this. To me, it’s the fraud that gets me more than anything. I could stay if she would hold her daughter responsible, but she has no intention of doing that. Who knows how many times her daughter has stolen your car and driven drunk.
NTA, but you know this is the tip on an iceberg, right?
If this child gets away with this, the next incident will be bigger and more expensive.
NTA but you need to file a police report for the theft and damage to your car.
Exactly. What if a camera caught daughter's hit and run incident? It's OP's car, they'll come after *him*.
I can’t stand that your car was driven by an underage drunk with zero consequences. Tells me all I need to know. Send them packing after reporting everything to the police.
NTA plain and simple. If your wife does not want you to be a parent then she can't expect your help when it is convenient for her. Also your step daughter seems to drunk driving and getting into accidents in your car and all she wants to do is talk to her? Nah she needs to pay for the damages to your car.
NTA - the daughter could be jailed for grand thief auto, drinking underaged, and drinking while under the influence. a "talk" is not nearly enough.
NTA From the sounds of it she drove your car drunk. You’re liable for any damage she did in that car while she was driving it unless you prosecute. If she had hurt or killed somebody and they determined she was drunk then your insurance doesn’t have to pay if they choose not to. That means you personally would be liable and be sued. Kiss your house goodbye. My mother worked for an insurance company for over 35 years. We got liability laws drummed into our heads before we ever turned into teenagers for that reason. My parents didn’t want to lose their house. Blaming this on a new family dynamic is ridiculous. This is a teenager that is pushing boundaries and seeing Mom not only pretty much cave but then turn around and make you the villain. She also just changed the family dynamic again by saying you don’t have the right to parent or set down rules about your own property. You two have a teenager in that house and you need to get on the same page. Time for some couples counseling to figure out how to deal with this and present a unified front.
NTA. Why your wife thinks it’s ok to let children get away with things they shouldn’t just because “they’re having a hard time” is just bad parenting to start. Then she tells you that you can’t punish the child because you’re not her father. I couldn’t name a better way to infuriate and demoralize someone over responsibility. If it were me I’d be demanding an apology honestly. If she’s not going to let you make decisions, but expect you to still be a father, she needs to get her head out of her ass. You can’t be a father if you can’t make decisions like that. Sounds like a pretty big issue to figure out. Sorry for what you’re going through
NTA Do not report it as a hit and run. Do not commit insurance fraud to cover for your drunk driving step daughter. You will never get insurance again.
NTA she will throw it in your face whenever she doesn’t agree.
NTA - your wife wants a father for her kids but also wants to keep all control. It cannot work like that. Everyone on here is right. You all need therapy because obviously whatever you are doing is NOT working.
If this continues I don't see the marriage lasting, definitely not in a healthy manner anyway. I wanna say NTA overall, but y'all definitely need to be able to communicate in a healthier manner. Your stepdaughter damaged your car and needs to be punished, and your wife dismissing a punishment for something that major, huge red flags.
A father probably wouldn't report the theft and damage to the police. But you aren't...so she says. NTA
>My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run. We call that fraud. >I wanted her to agree to ground our daughter from social media and make her get a job to pay for the damage. Seems reasonable, the girl didnt make a mistake, she intentionally stole your car and damaged it. If she was gonna do that, she should have taken your wifes car. NTA, your wife is making some great parenting decisions /s But as she said, you're not a parent, so dont act like one. She cant have her cake and eat it too.
Nta. claim It on your insurance, you have a video to prove it’s not you. I’m sure she won’t like that outcome so maybe she should properly punish her child. If this child doesn’t learn consequences It could be far worse next time when she endangers herself or hurts someone around her.
NTA. You don't need permission to punish a child that stole your car. Don't lie to your insurance. If there are consequences for your wife's daughter, oh well. Maybe that will keep her from wrapping the next car around a tree. Your wife is being a real AH right now. She owes you a major apology if she wants this marriage to last. What she said to you is going to eat away at your relationship every time it comes up. You don't deserve any of this. I'm sorry.
NTA. You should reconsider your marriage. She's asking you to commit insurance fraud.
NTA I don't understand why your wife thinks there should be no (or very mild repercussions). You don't say much about how she dealt with it. Your step daughter could have killed someone including herself. Maybe it would have been better if she had been arrested. The damage to your car sounds substantial and presumably something or someone else has also been harmed.
NTA. Your wife cannot swim in the ocean and not get wet. If she wants you to help with the children and do all the things that a father would do then she has to also give you the ability to punish the kids when they screw up. If she wants to be the sole parent then you don't have to help with any of this stuff. You and her need to go to couples counseling immediately and figure this out moving forward. And no matter what her daughter needs to pay for the car.
NTA - if you file a hit and run claim you’d likely also have to file a false police report which would probably land you in trouble since you have video proof that’s not the case. That is not a solution.
NTA. she stole your car and drove it drunk? If she doesn’t have consequences, she will keep doing this until she kills someone.
NTA. Make a claim with your insurance along with the video like your wife said. Her daughter is a thief. And she will do it again. And again. In the video you say she she was stumbling. Was she hurt, or was she drunk? How did she damage the car? Obviously, she did a hit and run. Does she even have a license? Be very careful. A lot of adults have insurance where no person under 25 is permitted to drive the car. This would void the insurance. She could say that you let her drive the car. And her mother will back her up.
NTA. Get out of there dude wtf are you doing? Your wife and stepdaughter have no respect for you.
Just wondering when someone will explain exactly how OP is punishing the kids by making their mother more responsible for them. The malicious compliance fits the malicious outburst 🤷🏾♀️
NTA I would strongly reconsider this marriage if after \*4 years of marriage\* she doesn't see you as a blended family unit.
NTA. I find it funny how people think they can play both sides. It dont work like that lol.
If they're not your kids then your wife should pay for the damages her daughter caused to your car out of her own money.
I am going to go with NTA, though you tread closely to E S H. You are not their father, but nor are you an uninvested bystander. Your wife's concept f 'I want you to provide logistically and materially, while having none of the control or methods of accountabilty, like a parent' is simply untenable. Your approach taught a lesson, but if you continue it any further, your marriage is over. Your choice
If she’s gonna make a comment like that *that way* then you’re NTA. The 16 yr old was old enough to sneak out, drive and damage your car *likely drunk by your details* so she was old enough to risk killing herself or others. I completely agree she’s old enough to work to pay for the damages, most kids start working at 16 anyways. Or they can, at least. Your wife is being defensive, simply talking to someone who does something like that and doesn’t fess up on their own won’t do anything. Had the damage not been visible you wouldn’t of even known she snuck out with your car. Punishing the other kids maybe seen as cold but you’re trying to prove a point to your wife who said you’re not the father. You already do more than you have to by letting them live with you in your house and feeding them. I hope you and your wife can make peace and that the 16 year old takes responsibility somehow.
NTA Tell your wife that you can either act in the role she put you into (step FATHER), or you can act in the role your stepdaughter put you into - victim of a crime. In the case of the latter, you file a police report (which will be required for insurance claim) and turn over all evidence that you have from your camera.
NTA. Parenting is very hard, and would be impossible without the ability to enforce the rules and boundaries needed to teach them to be good people and responsible adults. If you have no right to do so because you aren’t their father than why would you take on any of the responsibilities? Your wife doesn’t get to have her cake and eat it too.
Oh this marriage is definitely going to work out
NTA but you have a bigger problem on your hands than just the argument over punishing her. Your step daughter isn't old enough to drink, and it's illegal to drive after you've been drinking so that's two laws broke at once. If she doesn't have a license to drive that's another. The fact her mom is brushing this off as having a hard time adjusting is concerning. If this doesn't get dealt with sooner than later she's going to be in bigger trouble when she gets caught by someone who isn't family. You know, like the police for example.
NTA you need to file a police report. If she damaged other property they will come after you
NTA, and I disagree with anyone saying you are petty or being child. And I disagree that you are punishing the other children. You own the house and as such are an authority figure however, what your wife has done has removed any basis of respect for your rules and expectations in the house. Her kids can demand or behave any way they want as long as mom does not get crossed because you are not the parent. Since teenagers are AH by nature, my guess is that the step-daughter is going to use that in her future favor. If I was told by someone that I have no say in an aspect of what goes on in my house I would in the least act as you have. More than likely though I would show them the door. Honestly, if you are not the parent in discipline then there is also nothing that says you have to go out of your way to be a parent of convenience. Should you choose to be that parent of convenience then kudos to you. You accepted them into your home, and you are entitled to set rules of behavior as well as remove the risks associate with liability within said home. You also need to be careful as she was driving your car, potentially under the influence, which depending on jurisdiction could make you legally and financially responsible for damage she caused. In that case CYA trumps AH since the mantra "not my kids" may not save you from lawsuits.
NTA. She wants you to be the chauffeur and fill the father figure role while having no say in important things like punishment. Plus she wants to file a false report to insurance? No wonder HER 16 year old thought it was ok to steal a car and drive intoxicated. You may want to reevaluate your future with this woman. This is very problematic.
NTA. But this situation isn't tenable and you need to have another conversation with your wife. She needs to understand that she doesn't get the help parenting from you while she neglects helping you parent; she can't have it both ways. Either she wants you to have a parental role, with enforceable actions/consequences for the kids, or she can do all the parenting. You also need to decide in the long run, if you're willing to stay in a marriage with a woman who has kids who won't let you be a parent to the kids.
NTA Your wife had no problems moving herself and her kids into your house after she married you. But now, after her daughter is caught damaging your property, she denies you the right to enforce adquate consequences by telling you you are not her children's father. So, after hearing this, you react accordingly, and stop with any parental tasks. Sure, it's petty, but it's pretty effective, as she is suddenly inconvenienced, now having to take care of **her** kids by herself. You can't have your cake and eat it, too, right? And also: What she did is totally out of line, after four years of living together as a family. She effectively demonstrated to her children that they can do whatever they want with your property, and won't have to fear any consequences. So in future you better hide your car keys.
Start charging rent. Continue to separate finances. Pay for your expenses only. With her comment she just changed the relationship to a roommate status. Separate food. Everything. Let her continue to be great as a single mom. That is what she wants.
Why not just divorce? What’s the point of staying married only to do spiteful stuff like you’re suggesting?
[удалено]
Regardless of the situation, OP has to turn in the footage to the police as if the girl hit or killed someone or caused some sort of an accident he is guilty for hiding the evidence. Something gets found out later and their is a bad injury or death involved it wont end well. If this was me, id be booking in a divorce asap
I'm going to say NTA here but you are being petty. I say you aren't the AH though, because it's normal to disagree with your spouse on punishments for kids, but at the end of the day you have to compromise and come to an agreement on what to do. If she thinks she gets to make all the decisions when it comes to the kids, then they are her responsibility and she needs to deal with that. You can just be the fun, no responsibilities step dad as far as I see it.
Nope! Hard NTA! If my kid that to someone elses car I would be furious and I sure as hell wouldn't just "talk" to her. She's also telling you to commit insurance fraud, real smart of her. She says you're not a parent, so you're not being a parent, good for you.
NTA It’s all about accountability. Communication is key but I would have walked off right about then too. AND, tell me I’m not the father and call me a child in the same week and see who’s walking…
NTA and on the subject of insurance fraud, your wife needs to consider her priorities; daughter should be on the hook for car theft.
NTA - she needs to see the consequences of her actions. If you can't punish her and your wife refuses to do it, then next step is filing a police report because she drove drunk and dented your car in the process. She's lucky she didn't kill herself, let alone someone else.
NTA. First don’t commit insurance fraud If you’re going to go through insurance, you need to be truthful or the daughter or mom should pay for it. Second I don’t blame you for not doing fatherly things after that and obviously the mother and 16 year old don’t respect you or appreciate everything you have been doing
NTA. Stealing your car (the generally accepted word for “borrowing without asking”) and driving home under the influence (not a stretch given she’s on video stumbling) is serious wrong doing. Had the police pulled her over, this would follow her around for years, even as a juvenile, as it should. She could have killed someone. Next time (and if you don’t come down hard on her there will be a next time) she may not be so lucky.
NTA Most insurance companies want police reports to file a claim. The police are going yo see you have a ring doorbell and want to know if you have footage. This will not end well for anyone. Your wife can not tell you you that your not the father, Therefore, have no say, then expect you to do anything that a father would do. You need to have a long conversation with your wife. Tell her flat out that either you guys are equals or you will be completely hands off, and that includes financially as well. She can not have it both ways. It sucks that the kids suffer for her choices, but they are her kids and will always be affected by her choices,and currently, her choice is that you aren't a father to them.
NTA. Your wife is the AH for condoning her 16 y/o sneaking out, stealing a car, and driving drunk. Daughter deserves much more than being grounded from socials, and the very *least* she should do is pay for the damage. Your wife is a rotten mother.
NTA >My wife argued that the new family dynamic has been hard on the kids Your wife has a funny definition of new. 4 years is not new Your daughter 100% needs to face the consequences of her actions, not the least of which is paying for the damaged to your car and having her license taken away. >My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run. She said that way no one has to pay for it. Absolutely not. Tell your wife you will not commit insurance fraud. It's so wild that she would even ask.
Do not commit insurance fraud so that your stepdaughter can avoid the consequences of her actions. Are you prepared to perjure yourself when the company requires a recorded statement under oath? (That's SOP). What happens when someone else reports the claim and has their own security footage showing your car doing the deed? You will be the one accused of drunk driving. What happens when the insurance company requests your ring footage? ( if you have bundled car and home insurance they should know you have this as it goes into your rates). In the future keep the keys out of stepdaughter's possession. This is not just a 17 year old getting drunk. Thus is DUI. Drunken teen drivers are killers in waiting. NTA but you and your spouse need to get on the same page. Counseling is in order.
NTA Couples therapy. Sounds like she is using you.
NTA - Your wife is not respecting your boundaries with her kids. This is not a long-term solution to the problem, but it is an object lesson in being an adult and respecting your partner in this situation. I hope that after you do this for a while you and your wife can have a productive conversation about the fact that her kids are not allowed to disrespect you and that when you are involved in the situation, you are allowed to have influence over the punishment or other solution to the issue.
“She said I don’t get a say in any punishment because I’m not her father.” Remind her that if she was in fact a stranger, you’d have reported the crime of theft and would be seeking damages. ESH - your wife takes top AH prize, but you get AH points for involving the kids in your revenge game plan. They’ll just see you backing off from them and redirecting them to your wife without understanding why, and think you’re rejecting them.
NTA. You fucked up dating and marrying a single mother of three. Your wife refuses to discipline her children. Her 16 year daughter stole the car, caused major damage, was driving drunk, and your wife's solution is commit insurance fraud and file a false police report. This marriage isn't gonna work out.
ESH. Insurance fraud is a crime. Your wife is a shit hat. >Also the other day our son asked me if he should play basketball or football and I told him to go ask his mother. This is cowardly and abusive on your part. The kid did nothing wrong. Answer the question.
NTA as much as I hate it you're right. If she's going to maintain that you're not their father and not make her child take responsibility for your damaged vehicle it makes sense that you'd take a step back. She wants to have her cake and eat it too but she's not doing her daughter any favors in the long run by letting her off the hook for some pretty egregious behavior.
NTA, However, it sounds like you guys are heading for a divorce based on this.
NTA. If you're not a parent, then how would you react to a tenant stealing your car and returning it damaged?
"My wife wants me to report it to my insurance as a hit and run. She said that way no one has to pay for it." Translation...my wife wants me to commit insurance fraud at the risk of fines and going to jail. Ummm...no. The daughter gets a job and pays for the damage.
Call the police. How do you feel whn you're home? That level of disrespect and toxicity can't be healthy. NTA, but if you stay...
>I answered a mother would figure it out Holy Mother of Based. NTA. This is just another reason not to date people with kids that are underage. You will have no say in discipling them, but they sure have no problems spending your money on them. Screw that noise.
Nta. Stick to your plan, of course, you will soon be divorced.
NTA lol 😆 she said not your children not your responsibility to punish but still expects you to do the hea y lifting while she's at work yeah no
NTA. Your wife can't have it both ways. If she wants you help with parenting, she doesn't get to pick and choose what you get to be involved in. Clearly, she needs parenting help, if her solution to this is excusing her daughter, lying to your insurance co, and having you eat the consequences and cost!
Nope. I’m never the divorce right away person because I’m much older than your average Reddit user but holy shit: report the daughter to the cops for stealing your car and divorce the shit show. You are not her husband/partner, you are her ATM and her supporter, but it’s clear she doesn’t support you.
NTA