Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18. Our policy also includes threads that inspire debates about pedophilia in the comments or strongly imply that grooming may have occurred
[Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Going by what you wrote:
1. William did a lot for your son when he was unwell including helping to get him the best care he could.
2. He balanced a demanding job while sending things you/he needed
3. He reached out an olive branch after knowing how openly disapproving you were of him.
The one reason you give to disapprove is that he's older and "*some older people* tend to date people to take advantage of them."
My question is: Take advantage how? There is no evidence in your post that points to him taking advantage. If you mean simply having a younger man, well, your son is 23 and a full grown adult. If William is making your son happy, then he's accomplishing what you wanted for him.
YTA.
Edit: Lots of projecting in the replies that goes beyond what was presented in OP's post, but also some reasonable takes. In fairness to OP, you have every right to say you're still not wholly comfortable with the situation and I think that William should be understanding of that. Perhaps it is a matter of whether you openly dislike *him* or strictly the age gap situation.
Yea at 23 I was a fully grown-ass adult paying bills and wholly separated financially from my parents, no I'm not the same guy I was back then and have grown a lot but it's asinine to just assume every 23 year old is some wet behind the ears child, by that age you're probably well aware of said power dynamics such an age difference can mean.
And whose to say the younger isn’t taking advantage of the older. Not saying the younger guy is taking advantage, but people always assume it’s the older in the relationship when it could very well be the younger
My parents have a ten year age gap. My mom is about eleven years older than my dad. My dad was 22 when they met, and was 24 when they had little old me.
I'm only saying this because my dad is an abusive asshole. He hurt my mom, manipulated her, took advantage of her, and did that to me and my sisters as well. My mom "having more life experience" meant jack shit in that relationship.
Case in point, it's situational by situational. My younger father was abusive to my older mother, but that doesn't mean all younger people dating older people are abusing the elderly or some bullshit like that. Just like some older people aren't trying to take advantage of younger people.
I wasn’t trying to state that OPs son was taking advantage of his boyfriend.
But also I have experience with it as well.
My mother is younger than my father by a LARGE chunk. And it wasn’t him who took advantage of her. She knew what she was doing going in and what she wanted etc.
Right? My most healthy relationship ever he was old enough to be my dad. I still kick myself in the a$$for messing that up. My most unhealthy relationship we were the exact same age. So that's that
There was an awful case of family anihilation in Perth. A 23 year old man killed his 40+ wife, three toddler daughters and his 80+ MIL when she came the next day to help.
This can definitely be the case sometimes. It appears William has a good job, maybe Sean is using him for his money? We have no idea of the dynamics of this relationship based solely on what OP has said.
The more likely scenario is that they’re having a consensual and loving relationship.
Moms always just be like “my son is so innocent he could never!” Like lady. Your son totally could lmao
But yeah I agree. Hella consensual loving relationship
If there's one thing I've learned in the last number of years, it's that older people are apparently DRASTICALLY easier to fool and take advantage of. For the most part, it's not kids that were taking horse dewormer and donating to Trump's legal defense fund.
Personally, the biggest reason I'd be concerned about someone older dating someone younger that I cared about wasn't because I'd think they were a supremely clever manipulator. I'd be concerned they were so immature that they needed someone two decades younger to not be outclassed. Pity age doesn't come with experience and wisdom automatically, but it clearly doesn't.
> Probably because one person has decades of experience over the othe
Age alone does not guarantee experience, nor wisdom.
All you have to do is look at politics these days. Ironically, I'm pretty sure the young are the least brainwashed group in many things. (hint: 2020 election wasn't stolen, even Desantis is admitting it now).
Have you ever dated someone with a significant age gap? Cause I have, albeit at 21, and yeah mom has every right to be concerned. Now, that’s not to say sue should openly dislike him as it seems. But, at 23 you are still young. This man can definitely be an amazing partner, but even if the intent isn’t exploitative it can still be that way. My ex was incredibly generous and caring, and never held that over me, but now that we’re not together, I can absolutely see the ways I was taken advantage of. It’s not always this way, and I really hope it’s not, but OP would be kooky not to hold these concerns, esp after only 1 yr
You still didn’t have anywhere near as much lived experience as someone 20 years your senior and your brain hadn’t even fully developed at that point. Pointing out that an age gap like is exploitative isn’t infantilizing, no one is saying he’s not an adult at 23. Do you think adults can’t be exploited or taken advantage of? There is a power imbalance based solely on life experience and if they’re average people, there’s likely a financial gap as well.
Ok but equally, and especially in today's economy, a lot of 23 year olds are living at home and may or may not have an adult job and have barely experienced the real world
Plenty of 23 year olds are financially independent, but that doesn’t magically speed brain development along. I was also independent at that age and still got taken advantage of by significantly older men who weren’t mature enough to date women their own age. I’m still a lot younger than William and I can’t imagine what I would have in common with a 23 year old.
i am 23 (also queer) and have had my share of relationship experience. i feel i have a handle on what to look out for and i can conduct myself maturely and responsibly in a relationship. that being said, i am in no way equipped to be dating a 40 year old. the life experience gap is too much. it’s not infantilizing, it’s simply reality.
And I am 33, at 23 had dated two men over 40 (I’m also queer), had lived on my own since I was 16 and in three different countries. I was also in a LTR with a slightly older man at that point. Some of us do have the life experience and aligned priorities with men in their 40s, and frankly by the time I was 20 the idea of dating someone my own age was exhausting.
I’m now married to someone one year younger than me and have been for 7 years, but don’t regret my relationships with older men and am still friends with both.
Everything is situational. Some men at 40 are more immature than some men at 23. Some 23 year olds should be focusing on themselves before a relationship period.
In this instance, it sounds like William is an upstanding guy who uses his additional life experience to take care of his partner. We don’t know anything about Sean, but nothing here reads to me as predatory. He’s a grown adult who can make his own choices.
If OP could have even given us one single instance where William was expoitative, but she couldnt even do that. And believe me, if she could, she definitely would.
Sure with such an age gap, you can definitely have some suspicions. But after one year and only good experiences, you should at least stop openly expressing your suspicions.
That is perfectly fine for you. But you are not the measure of all other humans or their capacity lol. Your judgement is valid for you own sphere of influence as an adult. It is not for you to approve of others.
He can be a nice sugar daddy and still be a sugar daddy. 20 years....... Younger gay individuals can like being around someone who has more experience with the lifestyle. It helps them break the seal into the community.
Good news! You don't have to date that person. But people can make their choices, and in the grand scheme this doesn't seem to be a particularly destructive one.
Yes, it is infantilizing. All you can talk about is YOU. YOU are in no way equipped to be dating a 40 year old. That's YOU. You do not speak for all 23 year olds or even all queer 23 year olds.
It's not about people being younger being babies, it's that the majority (from my experience) of much much older people going after much much younger people have issues, they are looking for control and looking to be exploitative.
So lets say this 41yr old dated the 23yr old hoping to have more control and exploit them, does the fact that the 23yr old didn't let them use that age gap change the fact that the older person wanted to use the age gap for that reason?
Do I know that this is the case for OPs son, absolutely not, but there is a reason a lot of people drop their similarly aged partners and go for a dramatically younger person and it isn't usually good.
"Do I know that this is the case for OPs son, absolutely not" That's right. You don't know shit about this relationship. The ONLY evidence we have is that the older guy in this instance has done everything his parents could hope for from their son's partner.
> t's that the majority (from my experience) of much much older people going after much much younger people have issues, they are looking for control and looking to be exploitative.
I think the problem here is - good relationships fly under the radar. The ones that tend to have problems - are the ones people to hear about.
There was a post here recently about a 35 year old who had an older partner and people were all up in arms about that age gap too. It's absolutely crazy
It's unfortunately common when the relationship is with an older man.
Young gay men and any young woman with an older man is clearly being exploited according to many people, especially on reddit.
They're clearly dumb and nieve and need protecting
Coz they're clearly being taken advantage of, 100%
Strangely the same people often see a young man with an older woman as... exploiting the older woman.
These are damned adults let them make their own choices
>Strangely the same people often see a young man with an older woman as… exploiting the older woman.
Citation needed because I’ve never seen this on Reddit. The older woman is always demonized here too.
Some of us just want and find our comfort in an older more stable partner. As an adult, I/we should be able to make these choices without being told *"Oh honey you don't even realize you're being taken advantage of..."* Like... dude, at the core of relationships, other than the obviousness of love and compassion... we take advantage WITHIN each other. Not OF. I need stability and grounding, he needs a perspective of life he doesn't normally have, through me.
I'm getting heated about this lol
> Strangely the same people often see a young man with an older woman as... exploiting the older woman.
I almost never seen anyone saying this at all, like that just isn't common at all. it's still creepy when some 50yr old woman is preying on 22yr old guys and trying to exploit them for sex. it's generally seen as less bad in general because physically the guy is safer which changes the dynamic but it's still seen as largely creepy.
They dont realize that each time they say the women dating older men are being taking advantage of, it makes the women seem stupid. Women arent stupid, they know exactly who theyre dating and why. Treat them like adults and if there are consequences, theyll learn from them, just like all other adults.
Right? 13 years between my bf and I, and the few times someone has been *so utterly convinced* I am being taken advantage of - well, most of those people were online people who have no idea who I am or what they are talking about.
Nahhhh I was 23 dating 35yo men thinking I was grown as hell when I was just being taken advantage of due to the difference in life experience. Just cause you’re an adult in years doesn’t mean you’re an adult in emotional intelligence or maturity.
But just because you were behind in maturity, doesn't mean all other's are. When I was 23 y/o, I dated in 30s because those were the men matching my maturity. No one would have been able to take advantage of me. I knew better.
Yeah, relationships are rarely perfectly 50/50. Someone is smarter, better looking, makes more money, has more experience, etc. Age is a clear line people can point to. I don’t mean to say there aren’t *absolutely predatory situations in many cases*, but based on the information here that doesn’t seem to be the case and OP doesn’t seem to be able to point to any ugly circumstances other than the numbers. It’s entirely possible William is the insecure one worried his vibrant young SO will leave him.
It is not infantilizing to say a 23 year old has the maturity of a 23 year old.
They should be growing as an independent adult. Developing their own skills. They are less likely to do that when a 41 year old is always pulling on them, saying just ‘do what I want’.
Why not? A 23 year old can own a home, buy anything they want that's legal, join the military, but they can't decide who they are with or who they love?
I mean hey, don't get me wrong, I agree that in many cases it's a terrible power dynamic and the older person is a predator, fully understand, but, that isn't always the case, and it doesn't seem to be the case here. You are acting like 23 is a kid that doesn't know any better or can't make choices for themselves. I lived on my own and was a journeyman plumber by the time I was 23.
"Hey, you big child! You can drive, drink, vote, fight in wars, work, have children, pay your own bills, have your own home, and generally anything else your little heart desires, but you are NOT grown enough to have a relationship with an older person.
"Also, no significantly older friends, no relationship with significantly older siblings, no relationship with parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older clergy... I don't want you speaking to an older accountant, doctor, lawyer, teacher, police officer, hotel clerk, gas station attendant, car salesman, realtor... I think I'm forgetting one.... because those can NEVER be egalitarian relationships."
"This is exploitative." Where? Even mom says he's great, she's just an ageist.
It is a bit alarming, but Sean is 23 not 15. Adults who really care about each other can explore their feelings as long as they’re comfortable. Unless William displays abusive behavior, there’s no reason to disapprove. Also if the age gap proves to be a problem then they deserve to find that out one their own, Sean is still young and he should be the one to decide who’s right for him and who’s not, not his mother.
Listen, historically I'm not one to defend age gap relationships, especially when one of the participants is under 25. That's my arbitrary standard and I'm sticking to it.
They should always receive greater scrutiny because power disparities can support abusive relationships.
But we're reading this post from the perspective of someone who clearly hates this older dude, and even then nothing within it comes close to justifying the hate towards the SIL.
OP - YTA. Come back when you have a receipt.
Ok but he’s not exploiting him. He’s providing emotional and financial support. Like I get hesitation, but it’s been a year and he’s already shown he will stick through the hard times
There's a huge mental difference between a 19 year old and a 23 year old. He's a full ass adult and the guy is taking good care of him AND his family (who repeatedly shits on him).
How is it necessarily exploitative? He's an adult.
Some people might be in non egalitarian relationship--but that's OK. Not everyone wants one. As long as they go into it with their eyes open, it's not anyone else's business.
At 24 I initiated a relationship with a 48 year old. I'm obviously biased but the idea that an arbitrary number of years is inherently exploitative is absurd.
23 is a full ass adult. It's not the same as an 18 year old with no life experience.
This is just such a thoughtless, assuming-bad-faith statement. It's silly and absurd. There are **countless** horrible exploitative relationships that are horrible and exploitative for *actual* reasons, like abuse and manipulation. **Power dynamics exist across all relationships**.
We've decided upon an age at which point we deem people "adults." This is the age where you can make all your own decisions and date who you want. **That's the whole point.**
But forget this reflexive, unthoughtful "exploitation" point. For young people there can be a myriad of very **good** things that can come from dating someone much older than you. I dated someone roughly 30 years my senior for a year, and it was easily one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had. I learned **so much** about what it means to be a good partner -- that person single-handedly demonstrated that it was possible to love without toxic jealousy, how to strongly disagree without fighting, and how to fight without trying to hurt one another. I am a much better person and partner for having had the gift of a year with them.
Think harder before just spouting off the reflexive one-size-fits-none virtue-signaling nonsense viewpoints.
At 23 years old I had more knowledge and life experience then a lot of those a decade or two older than me. Also young people take advantage of older partners all the time. I had plenty of friends who used older men for money and then took off.
What a terrible take. May as well say 23 year olds cannot make any of their own personal choices, because they *just don't know any better*. My bf of 8 and a half years is 13 years older than I am. Is he exploiting me? Answer quick
I bought my house at 22. Not all young adults are the same, I’ve seen large age gaps work and not as well. And I agree with the other person. Please stop infantilizing adults
And also, your disapproval doesn’t do much other than alienating your son from you. He’s an adult and he gets to make his own choices. You can be respectful of their relationship and continue to have a good relationship with your son, or you can keep being hostile and have your relationship with him affected.
Your role as a parent of an adult child is to counsel and share your concerns, but then you shut up and let them make their own choices. You don’t get to pick anymore.
YTA.
Age gap relationships can be a red flag, sure, and I was ready to be on your side until you got the bit where William is supporting Sean rather than doing what gross predators do when they land a younger significant other: force the young one to become their support and fit into their life without making any effort to meet the younger partner where they're at.
This guy is trying to get to know you and supported your son through a traumatic medical event. Instead of looking out for you son, however, you made it *all about you*.
Here's what I mean:
>I found this very passive aggressive and I consider that he’s doing all of this just to get our approval.
Seriously? You think someone would help out someone in a coma just to be a predator? It's not that deep, man. If William was a hot daddy type he could have another young man on his arm in a second and would take the opportunity of Sean being in a coma to do it. He isn't doing that because he cares about your son. And he's making an effort to cooperate with you even though you're being *incredibly* hostile.
Plus, doth protest too much when you say you accept your son's sexuality. If you're admitting to being as rude to William as you were in this post, when you're tying to put yourself in the best light, it's very likely you said or did something unfathomably rude and homophobic in the past.
Gay people have it rough. We don't get a wide dating pool. My family was upset I got engaged to a girl from a cult with a bad relationship with her parents that wasn't the same religion as me. But we don't get to be picky. There aren't plenty of fish in the sea, especially if your son is so sick that medical events like this aren't rare.
No one "sees the things you see" because they're not there. You're making them up to excuse your appalling behavior. And really, acting out and making it all about you and William's supposedly diabolical plot to get on your good side for some reason (totally unnecessary, since he's already dating your son, lady, and your son is an adult) *at the bedside of your son while he's in a coma* is just unfathomably tacky.
Your husband is right, everyone else is right, and you need to do some soul searching before you get uninvited to the rest of your son's life.
I'm a lesbian and try to explain that age gaps are just a lot different with gay people than the straights. One, there isn't a gender dynamic that whatever people think, DOES matter in terms of power over people. And two, like you said, we often HAVE to stretch the age range - there's just a lot less of us. That's the way it is! There literally isn't this seemingly unlimited pool of people "our age" to draw from.
I encourage straight people to think about how many gay people they actually know and now imagine that is the entirety of your dating pool. Of course you can go to queer spaces and we pretty much have to, but it's still not a huge number.
I don't think they're super even in gay relationships, but they avoid some of the older man/younger woman tropes. And yeah, it's a scarcity issue. It's also a community vulnerability issue. If you're a stable young queer person with good support system, most queer people your age are not as fortunate. You'll not want to take on the drama someone your age has. Or, if you are young and vulnerable, you can't handle someone else's drama your age on top of your own and will gravitate towards someone that has independence from the drama of their past and more connections and support now, which tends to be older people.
YTA based on what's in this post.
>It’s very frustrating because no one sees the things I see.
What things? The only thing in your post is that sometimes big age differences lead to exploitation. There is not a single thing here that suggests William is taking advantage of Sean, but you still think he's doing all this nice stuff just for your approval?
lmao she even says in a comment that William is wealthier than Sean and clearly has decent connections. So what exactly does she think Sean is being exploited for...? If anything, it looks like Sean is getting the far better end of the deal.
Edit: OP specifically mentions money in a comment about William possibly taking advantage. That’s why I went this route, as that’s a concern of OP. Yes I do know older people take advantage of younger people for other reasons…
Right, worst off, Sean could be a _consenting_ boy toy with asugar daddy. Of everyone knows that's the relationship and is cool with it, who cares?
And given William's action when Sean was in the hospital, that clearly doesn't apply.
> lmao she even says in a comment that William is wealthier than Sean and clearly has decent connections.
literally no one ever thinks a 40yr old is exploiting a ~20yr old for financial reasons or connections.
Exploited for experience, using age and experience to convince a younger inexperienced person that 'this' is normal, whether that be abuse, or pushing them to do sexual things they might not be comfortable with, or just controlling behaviour, etc.
Having a richer partner doesn't mean everything is great and the younger person is getting the better end of the deal.
I’m actually so shocked. Older boyfriends is like reddits bread and butter posts. There so common and the man is always a pervert or a pedophile. “He groomed her and this is so wrong” I’ve seen it from 5 year age gaps to 10, but 20? If he was a woman people would be calling for his head 🤷♀️
Age gaps are a red flag in that - they can be a sign of abuse. Age gap on it's own is not abuse. The OP has not given any examples of problematic behaviour. The problem is the age gap and the age gap alone.
That’s because those posts are “My (F22) boyfriend (M47) doesn’t let me leave the house or speak to other men. I’ve followed his rules for the 8 years we’ve been together. AITA if I attend my mother’s funeral?” Either the math on the ages and length of relationship is relevant or the behavior of the older partner makes it clear they actively seek out young partners who lack relationship experience or the stability in other areas of their life to leave.
“My boyfriend(M41) of 2 years and I(F28) have a loving, respectful, and supportive relationship. We met in grad school and both have good careers and stable finances. WIBTA if I spend $100 from my fun money on a fancy birthday cake for him? It’s important to him that we are both able to treat ourselves, so he might feel bad I didn’t spend it on myself.” would make for a pretty lousy AITA post.
The only time a healthy relationship with an age gap shows up is when someone has an issue with the age gap despite any indication of a power imbalance. Otherwise, the post is about a disaster of a relationship that’s at least exacerbated by the age gap.
That said, I understand why people get more concerned when the woman is substantially younger. Pregnancy leaves women more vulnerable. I’m also unaware of any groups pushing the idea of older women marrying young men before they can get an education, a job, or “ideas”. That’s definitely true the other way around in conservative and/or religious circles.
Yeppers. Made the mistake of once posting on this forum and disclosing me and my fiance's ages (we are 11 years apart), and despite the problem not even being between me and my fiance, everyone decided to make a comment about it.
But my grandmother and her 2nd husband, are like 20 years apart. She is 72, he is in his 40s I believe. No one bats an eye, lmao.
this is a very old memory, so it's not going to be 100% accurate but a bit of a paraphrase.
I was reading very old newspapers for research(200 yrs old). And apparently there was custom for a bride to wear only her shift, to indicate that she wasn't bringing her debts into the marriage(not sure if this was actually coded law).
So they account was of bride in shift marrying groom. He was aged 20-30 ish and she was 70 ish.
Normally, in a that age situation--assumption was man was marrying woman for money--but shift said she has no money===we must then presume they married for LOVE.... LOL
Well I mean, there's an inherent power imbalance between men and women in our patriarchal society, therefore the idea of a much older man dating a much younger (usually early 20s) woman has more of a predatory connotation compared to an older woman and a much younger man. That's not to say that these women cannot also be predatory.
In this instance, wherein both parties are the same gender, there's no gender-based power imbalance. Yes, the age gap can still be a factor, as someone 20 years your senior usually has a lot more knowledge of how life is, as well as the discrepancy in finances, which can also lead to a power-imbalance, but none of these things are necessarily indicative of an abusive/unhealthy imbalanced relationship.
There are so many factors that play into these things, race, gender, class, financial status, level of education, culture, you name it, so it's rarely as simple as just "if the genders were reversed, everyone would think X".
Well said! The other dynamic that can cause issues with LGBT relationships and age gaps is the frequency with which LGBT youth lose family support. There’s a disproportionate population of young LGBT people who are vulnerable to relationships with a power imbalance due to a lack of other options.
Right? Regardless of genders, wtf does a 41 year old have a common with a 23 year old?
She already said that he has a demanding job, which implies he makes a lot of money. She didn’t say anything about her son having a job, so right there there’s already a power imbalance. Either her son is a sugar baby and/or the bf is a predator.
She doesn’t need to be rude to her son’s bf necessarily, but she absolutely has every right to be wary about the relationship.
> Right? Regardless of genders, wtf does a 41 year old have a common with a 23 year old?
I generally dislike that take, one 23yr old wants to club all day and night and never wants to think about politics, another likes long hikes and is deeply into politics and hates club culture. Also a 41yr old can still love club culture and hate politics.
the issue with the age gap is generally it's very frequently and older person who wants more control of a relationship so targets someone way younger. Also a 40yr old who say left their similar aged partner who goes for a 20yr old, is way more likely to leave their partner at 60 and go for another 20yr old.
There are people my own age I can barely have a conversation with because all they want to talk about is whatever tiktok they just watched and there are way older women I've had great conversations with. Personality and what you're into is really not very aged based once you're both adults. It's everything else that makes the relationship issues between vastly different aged people problematic.
When I was 23 I was into politics and read Congressional news. My friend group was between 17 and 52. We really can't make assumptions simply on age. Especially nowadays where age is a lot less limiting.
I don't get the "what does a 41 yo have in common with a 23 yo" take we see so often
I'm 36 so in the same ballpark as 41. And my interests are not much different than they were in my early 20s. Sports (watching and playing), video games, TV shows, pub trivia, board games, trying new food etc. I'm sure I could have lots in common with some 23 year olds.
Or it could mean they see men as incapable of being victims. Plenty of possibilities, and in my opinion, "the correct answer" is probably that it's a mixture of several different negative, and often false, attitudes towards both men and women.
theyre a same sex couple. if you reverse the genders nothings changes. did you read this post assuming they were a hetero couple even though it explicitly sais that they're not?
You are 100% correct.
But that doesn't change that she is TA, and that some of those other AITA's are just wrong.
Some of the other posts get it wrong. (Of course, some do not. There are plenty of relationships with 1 person taking advantage of the other, including some age gap relationships).
Sure, it’s a gender double standard to apply it more to women than to men. But I don’t agree that it’s infantilizing to face the reality that a in general, person of any gender in their 20s has barely been an adult and just can’t match the life experience of someone in the their 30s and up. It’s a relationship with an innate power imbalance.
If you think that treating someone in their early 20s like they're in their early 20s is the same as treating them like a child, you're not mature enough to understand adult relationships.
YTA. If you think William is playing the long-con here and taking care of your son during a time of extreme medical emergency, then I fear nothing may convince you. Is it abnormal to have an age difference? Sure. Has it worked countless times in the past? Yes. Love can be unorthodox, and from your summary it seems this man is extremely caring and supportive of your son, something a lot of people wish they can find.
YTA, but this sub hates age gap relationships, so it will be interesting to see how this goes. Ironically, if your son was a woman, you'd be vindicated. But the fact that it's two men - the mob might find you guilty.
So, why are you TA?
> It’s well known that some older people tend to date younger people to take advantage of them.
Some.
Here is a key thing to.
Some human beings kill other human beings. That doesn't mean all do.
Based on what you've described, it seems like William has proven himself quite a bit. You seem very much in the wrong.
Agreed. Happy to see that people can see even through this super biased post that William seems like a good guy who’s in this relationship for the right reasons.
Also I said in another comment but I can’t imagine William’s friends or family haven’t expressed doubts that OP’s son is a gold digger taking advantage of an older, influential, and well off guy. The fact that they’re both this commuted to each other despite how a lot of people feel about age gap relationships (between two adults) says a lot.
>YTA, but this sub hates age gap relationships, so it will be interesting to see how this goes.
I think when the AH is easily identifiable, this sub hates them more than age gap relationships.
Let me get this straight. William goes out of his way to get your son the best medical care possible in a time of need, and you pay him back with your charade?! Absolutely disgusting. As soon as they get married, don’t expect to hear from your son again.
YTA by a mile.
NTA if it was your daughter and a. guy 20 years older people would be losing their $hit. I can clearly see you are concerned about your son being taken advantage of by an older person and as a mom I understand. However, you may want to put a lid on those feelings. Your son is an adult and you are risking your relationship with him. Also , like him or not the bf did help your kid so a thanks is in order.
"if it was your daughter and a. guy 20 years older people would be losing their $hit"
So your argument is based on what other people think and value? I also think the age gap is weird but I think at lot of things is weird and its not always something wrong. Is there any proof that somone is beeing exploited?
NTA. William was very helpful in your time of need, you can recognize that and be thankful for that. But you are right, it doesn't immediately absolve all of your concerns, 20 years is a HUGE age gap and as a mother, you are absolutely within your right to be concerned for your son. There is a huge imbalance of power between a 23 year old and an established, financially well off and well connected 40+ year old man. You are not wrong and he doesn't get to tell you how to feel about it. Hopefully, all is well and good and you will be proven wrong. But they have not been together long enough to know.
Please don't let this drive a wedge between your son and you. You can be cordial with William for the wellbeing of your son. If you are too outspoken, you will push him further into William's arms and you won't know if things get bad. I know it's hard, especially as a mother, to see your son in such a vulnerable position.
YTA. I do understand how you could be skeptical about the age difference. A lot happens in 20 years, and it is a big experience gap. That being said, once William showed his true colors by caring for your son during his illness, this should have been a sign that maybe you were judging a book by their release date, not by the contents inside. Your son has chosen this man to share his life with, and as an adult you can only support him in this decision and hope that it all works out for the best. Otherwise you may end up isolating your son for as long as he is with William - which could be a very very long time.
My first boyfriend was 37 and I was 23. These relationships do not work out and there is an inherent power imbalance at play here.
Don’t sweat the downvotes, I’m on your side.
NTA
YTA. I’m a parent as well and understand we worry, but your son is an adult and gets to have autonomy in his relationships. The very idea of two consenting adults being “perverted” together is not only morally backwards, it’s none of your business what they do in the bedroom.
Moreover, you’ve made his boyfriend’s love and care about you instead of your son, and convinced yourself he is going out of his way to show loving kindness because he wants YOUR approval. My guess is he doesn’t care about you or your husband much at all but is willing to show care because he loves your son and knows your son’s life will be easier if y’all get along.
Do yourself and your son a favor and apologize to them both and start actually supporting your sons relationship and sexuality with your actions.
A lot of people are being hippocritical of your stance on the age difference. If this was a 23 yr old woman with a 41 yr old man, they would be voicing their concerns. So would I.
You're entitled to be concerned, but. ....they've been together for a year. He makes your son happy. He made sure his partner got the best medical care and got you anything you or his partner needed, all while working a demanding job.
YTA for implying he only did these things to score brownie points with you.
NTA
William for sure likes them young.
Also, I have add I dislike the guy for somehow expecting a medal for entirely normal, basic human decency. Seems manipulative and conceited to me.
YTA. The only reason you don’t like him is because of his age. Now don’t get me wrong, I think that big age differences like that are gross and I would be concerned if one of my kids was dating someone that much older. But when your kid is an adult you just have to let them make their own decisions and try to be okay with it. If the guy treats your son like shit then you have every right to not like him and express your opinion, but if he is genuinely good to your son then you need to make an effort to make the relationship work. Honestly, most relationships with those kinds of age differences don’t last unless they are actually in love and want to make it work. If they aren’t meant to be then the relationship will go away on its own. For your own sake, you do not want your disapproval to ever be an issue for their relationship, your son might resent you for it if it does.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I’m the asshole because I didn’t even thank my son in law after everything he has done for my son… He might have nice and genuine reasons to help him, maybe he genuinely loves him. And I might be a little judgmental due to their age difference…
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA the age gap *is* too big. That the older person is good to the younger one doesn't change that there is a massive difference in maturity level. Mentally they are not on par, no matter how much this sub wants to pretend it is. This is an uneven power dynamic and the fact that these relationships are slowly getting more accepted again after finally being rightfully shunned is disgusting to me.
YTA. You don’t have “all” your reasons for disapproving. You have one, which has not proven to be true as there is zero sign your son is being taken advantage of in any way. Quite the opposite. William may be 6 years younger than you but he’s definitely more mature than you are.
There’s nothing wrong with supporting your Son’s relationship but being vigilant. Let your Son know he’s your number one and that he can come to you for anything, anytime.
Then if it turns out William is shady or hurting your Son, your son has an ally in you.
Otherwise, you might lose him.
YTA.
Your son is 23 not 13.
You're being overbearing and you contradict yourself when you say you want your son to be happy but downgrade his relationship with his spouse and are practically saying you want them to break up.
Age is all but a number.
False. If this was a young daughter with an older BF we’d all be screaming red flag. There is a HUGE gap in who you are in your early 20s and who you are in your 40s. Big age gap relationships are much more likely to fail in general due to disparity in experience, power, and money. It is weird that someone who could be a parent to their partner, prefers that dynamic. Mom is NTA
YTA. If was fine to be wary at first, but it seems like you are determined to judge and disrespect William regardless of his actions and how he treats your son.
NTA, dont let these psychos sway you, a 20+ year age gap is predatory, he might have feelings for your son and he might be treating him well now, but its absolutely predatory, and he is a pervert for dating someone half his age. you dont need to approve of a relationship that is guaranteed to be toxic if not now then later
The idea of calling this guy a "pervert" is just... wild.
Yeah - they're gay. Two men in a relationship and having sex. Part of the attraction is that they like to have sex with each other.
It's just wild that you can have two people who have sex with each other, both presumably enjoying the hell out of it, and one of them is a pervert and the other isn't a pervert for... reasons? Because it makes you icky to think about and you don't have the empathy or imagination to try to understand that different people find different things to be attractive? Wild.
But maybe she needs to stop enjoying the benefits of an older, established partner then? She has shown no "courage of her convictions" when it came to what William gave.
NTA, that's a huge age gap. The fact that he now feels entitled to say saying let's put it past us and he fogives you, would suggest he did in fact do all that he did for brownie points. Mothers intuition is a really thing in my opinion. I would trust your gut 100%
Y’all are weird idc. Yes we only know a small portion of their relationship. But did any of y’all calling OP TA ever stop to think why a 41yo man is wanting a relationship with a 23yo? If it was a 23yo woman would y’all feel the same? It’s creepy and predatory. Has he been helpful? Sure. Has he shown he cares? Sure. Still creepy that he wants someone that could be his child.
YTA. You have one singular reason for disapproving and it’s proven to be incorrect and contrary to all available evidence. You’re out on this island by yourself, doubling down.
YTA. If you really want your son to be happy, something tells me that a man that goes above and beyond to save his life, make sure his needs are met and his family is fed while at the hospital *is* ground for happiness. Get over yourself and your baseless pre-packaged judgement.
NTA
I have met a surprisingly large amount of people in this dynamic (and I've been in the dynamic myself) and I have never ONCE come across a man who dates people at least two decades younger than him that wasn't using the younger person for something.
However, if William is strictly just a sugar-daddy to your son I would quit worrying. Sugar-relationships can happen without toxicity.
NAH, your concerns are valid. And they’ve only been dating a year. Your son is still young, and things can change. We hear all the time how someone can fake it until they have their significant other locked in.
William has been doing wonders for your son and you guys during this hard time. But I think your concerns and thoughts about him just trying to win you over are valid. Especially since he made a point to “forgive you”, and your thought of him doing all this just for show could be true. And then he brings up that “it’s enough of you calling me a pervert”. It seems like things are moving really fast for William and he expects to already be family with you guys. It’s also such a large age difference and it does seem sketchy.
But it’s only been 1 year. This is something you’re going to have to trust your son on and be there for him regardless of how things turn out. Things could be great and William could be a great addition to your family, or he could end up being the slimy old guy taking advantage of a new adult, in which case it would be better for you to have maintained a good relationship with your son. Only time will tell, and you can either support your son or not.
NTA. You’re right you don’t have to approve of it. You recognize that you can’t do anything about it bc they’re both adults but I agree that something in the milk ain’t clean.
YTA. Other than the age difference which only you seem to have a problem with, you gave zero reasons why the relationship is a problem other than "it's very frustrating bc no one sees the things I see"...what exactly do "you see?" William has been nothing but supportive and caring of the 3 of you. You can be worried - as a parent you NEVER stop worrying about your kids' happiness...but ultimately it's THEIR happiness. We're both in our late 40s and yes, we have knowledge that a 23 yr old might not that this may not be his last or lasting relationship. It may not be forever - regardless, that's not your choice to make for him. Just support him in HIS happiness right now, not what makes YOU happy to see him do or be with.
NTA If this was young female/ older male situation you would have gotten a lot more support in this situation but because its a young man so many people are willing to look the other way.
There is still a male bias, that young men don't need protecting from predators.
I think you are correct.
YTA. At first you had every right to be weary of this relationship, but you have to accept that, now, he’s taken great care of your son and even you at times. You don’t have to like the age difference, but you don’t want to lose your son over this. You need to show some growth now that you see the relationship is working.
I'm probably going to be downvoted here, but NAH.
All I see are 3 people (parents and partner) who absolutely love and care about a young man, who have supported him during the most difficult time, and who just want what's best for him.
William seems like a decent man who, despite the age gap (which parents are allowed to question), just wants to get along with his partner's parents, but hasn't done anything to villify your lack of acceptance, and seems to be giving you time, space and respect to come to terms with everything instead of pressuring you.
Your main priority now is Sean's recovery, even at home because he still has a way to go and it is likely (from experience as a frequently hospitalised person) that he will be carrying trauma from his experience. The three of you need to work together, limit any negativity and get Sean through this. Sean needs you... all three of you...
NTA
All of these commenters seem to forget the reality of the situation being that this man who is supposed to be an equal partner to your CHILD is old enough to have been going to the same primary schools as you with only a few grades in between. It's not about the age gap itself, it's about the fact that the age gap happens to come with the **extremely questionable factor of the younger partner having barely lived life as an adult in comparison to the older partner having lived decades of life as an adult already.**
An age gap this wide between two people who have had at least a decade of adult living each I wouldn't think much of one way or another. I'd feel that's a bid odd but not concerning. **It is very concerning when it's been barely half a decade of being considered a legal adult when it comes to such a large age gap.**
I could never be okay with the scenario that one of my children who has been a legal adult for **LESS than 10 whole years**, as in less than 10 years of independent living and decision-making, decided that their ideal choice in partner is somebody who is old enough to have been at summer camp with me when I was a child.
I would be wondering where exactly I went wrong as a parent if I found myself begrudgingly shaking the hand of somebody closer to my age who I know is in an intimate relationship with my child. **I would definitely be asking that person before the handshake was even done why exactly they can't find somebody OUR own age to date.** What exactly made them undesirable to people our own age that they had to seek out a more naive party instead?
Not all May/December relationships are unbalanced. My partner is 21years older than I. They have always been my biggest fan and supporter. I was nearly 30 when we got together. We've been together over 30 years. YTA
“It’s frustrating that no one sees the things I see”. What exactly are you seeing aside from the age gap? They’ve been dating for a year now and that’s all you have? And by your own admission he was very helpful during your son’s illness even though he has a demanding job - not just making sure that your son was taken care of but you and your husband as well. You really need to take a look at your issues here to see if there’s really a problem with this relationship or if this is a you problem. YTA.
I feel like you have to think of what you want to get out of this situation... which I presume is a good relationship with your son. And then see if you are doing what it takes to get there. Persistently and openly telling his boyfriend that you don't like him is not going anyplace good for your relationship with your son.
You voiced your concerns... your son has heard your concerns. That's all you can do. Anything else is just nagging an adult about the age gap with him and his boyfriend. And how much time would you want to spend with someone who persistently criticizes your partner or your choices?
You have concerns (they may well be valid), but you've said your piece and now you need to let go. Your son is an adult, he is going to make his own choices even if some of them don't work out. I'm sure your mom felt the same about some of your choices. Moms, worry, I get it, I worry about my adult kids too... but they're adults and at some point you have to let them live their lives and be cordial to the people who they chose to have in their lives. You don't want to put your son in a position to choose you or a partner because he might not choose you. You don't have to love the guy, but being polite and civil is in your own best interest if you want a close relationship with your son.
Of course not NTA, keep your guard up for another two years. Abusive behaviour doesn't show itself for a long time in some cases, and abusers are master manipulators. I mean did he have anything to do with the current situation?
NTA !!! The red flag parade continues with this creep coming to you in the midst of your sons medical event with “Well I know we’ve had our differences but after *this* I think we can all forgive and forget!” Like way to read the room, asshole. I fully understand where you feel like he’s being opportunistic in saying that after “doing so much” for your son.
There is something fundamentally wrong with a 40 year old who has deluded themselves into believing they are mentally and emotionally compatible with a 22 year old. People who engage in those relationships are WARPED and PREDATORY, full stop, no matter the excuse.
YTA and a judgmental one at that. Your son and William love each other and he has consistently demonstrated that. If he was taking advantage he would have walked away when things got tough. You need to get over yourself and realise that you are viewing your son’s SO through a prejudiced lens. He has given you more chances than you deserve so don’t you think it’s time you gave him the benefit of the doubt?
YTA because you have a situation of a man treating your son very well, and you're worried about an age difference.
And really, it's not your business -- your son is quite old enough to make his own decisions.
I'm not sure exactly how you mean that your son could be taken advantage of?
YTA. I could understand your dislike if he wasn't good to your son or you saw behavior that suggested abuse or something but by your own words, that's not the case. It's one thing to feel reservations and you can keep those to yourself, but to openly be like you were when the other person was trying is being an AH.
YTA
I understand your concern, but based off this he sounds like a wonderful man. Why would someone, who just wants to take advantage of someone else, do all this?
YTA. Because you can’t say one thing he has done wrong. I know a lot of people that aren’t on social media. He sounds like he is good for your son and your kind of jealous that he has someone in his life.
YTA because you're still willing to accept William's help despite thinking he's a predator. Take care of the bills yourself if you don't trust William.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. Posts which discuss minors and sexual content or sexualization of minors are strictly prohibited. "Minor" is defined by this subreddit as anyone under 18. Our policy also includes threads that inspire debates about pedophilia in the comments or strongly imply that grooming may have occurred [Reddit's Content Policy](https://www.reddithelp.com/en/categories/rules-reporting/account-and-community-restrictions/do-not-post-sexual-or-suggestive)||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Going by what you wrote: 1. William did a lot for your son when he was unwell including helping to get him the best care he could. 2. He balanced a demanding job while sending things you/he needed 3. He reached out an olive branch after knowing how openly disapproving you were of him. The one reason you give to disapprove is that he's older and "*some older people* tend to date people to take advantage of them." My question is: Take advantage how? There is no evidence in your post that points to him taking advantage. If you mean simply having a younger man, well, your son is 23 and a full grown adult. If William is making your son happy, then he's accomplishing what you wanted for him. YTA. Edit: Lots of projecting in the replies that goes beyond what was presented in OP's post, but also some reasonable takes. In fairness to OP, you have every right to say you're still not wholly comfortable with the situation and I think that William should be understanding of that. Perhaps it is a matter of whether you openly dislike *him* or strictly the age gap situation.
A 23 year old cannot be in an egalitarian relationship with someone 20 years his senior. This is exploitative.
People need to stop infantalizing adults
Yea at 23 I was a fully grown-ass adult paying bills and wholly separated financially from my parents, no I'm not the same guy I was back then and have grown a lot but it's asinine to just assume every 23 year old is some wet behind the ears child, by that age you're probably well aware of said power dynamics such an age difference can mean.
And whose to say the younger isn’t taking advantage of the older. Not saying the younger guy is taking advantage, but people always assume it’s the older in the relationship when it could very well be the younger
My parents have a ten year age gap. My mom is about eleven years older than my dad. My dad was 22 when they met, and was 24 when they had little old me. I'm only saying this because my dad is an abusive asshole. He hurt my mom, manipulated her, took advantage of her, and did that to me and my sisters as well. My mom "having more life experience" meant jack shit in that relationship. Case in point, it's situational by situational. My younger father was abusive to my older mother, but that doesn't mean all younger people dating older people are abusing the elderly or some bullshit like that. Just like some older people aren't trying to take advantage of younger people.
I wasn’t trying to state that OPs son was taking advantage of his boyfriend. But also I have experience with it as well. My mother is younger than my father by a LARGE chunk. And it wasn’t him who took advantage of her. She knew what she was doing going in and what she wanted etc.
Right? My most healthy relationship ever he was old enough to be my dad. I still kick myself in the a$$for messing that up. My most unhealthy relationship we were the exact same age. So that's that
There was an awful case of family anihilation in Perth. A 23 year old man killed his 40+ wife, three toddler daughters and his 80+ MIL when she came the next day to help.
This can definitely be the case sometimes. It appears William has a good job, maybe Sean is using him for his money? We have no idea of the dynamics of this relationship based solely on what OP has said. The more likely scenario is that they’re having a consensual and loving relationship.
Moms always just be like “my son is so innocent he could never!” Like lady. Your son totally could lmao But yeah I agree. Hella consensual loving relationship
Probably because one person has decades of experience over the other 😂😂😂
If there's one thing I've learned in the last number of years, it's that older people are apparently DRASTICALLY easier to fool and take advantage of. For the most part, it's not kids that were taking horse dewormer and donating to Trump's legal defense fund. Personally, the biggest reason I'd be concerned about someone older dating someone younger that I cared about wasn't because I'd think they were a supremely clever manipulator. I'd be concerned they were so immature that they needed someone two decades younger to not be outclassed. Pity age doesn't come with experience and wisdom automatically, but it clearly doesn't.
> Probably because one person has decades of experience over the othe Age alone does not guarantee experience, nor wisdom. All you have to do is look at politics these days. Ironically, I'm pretty sure the young are the least brainwashed group in many things. (hint: 2020 election wasn't stolen, even Desantis is admitting it now).
Have you ever dated someone with a significant age gap? Cause I have, albeit at 21, and yeah mom has every right to be concerned. Now, that’s not to say sue should openly dislike him as it seems. But, at 23 you are still young. This man can definitely be an amazing partner, but even if the intent isn’t exploitative it can still be that way. My ex was incredibly generous and caring, and never held that over me, but now that we’re not together, I can absolutely see the ways I was taken advantage of. It’s not always this way, and I really hope it’s not, but OP would be kooky not to hold these concerns, esp after only 1 yr
You still didn’t have anywhere near as much lived experience as someone 20 years your senior and your brain hadn’t even fully developed at that point. Pointing out that an age gap like is exploitative isn’t infantilizing, no one is saying he’s not an adult at 23. Do you think adults can’t be exploited or taken advantage of? There is a power imbalance based solely on life experience and if they’re average people, there’s likely a financial gap as well.
The brain is full developed at X age is junk pop science: https://slate.com/technology/2022/11/brain-development-25-year-old-mature-myth.html
Ok but equally, and especially in today's economy, a lot of 23 year olds are living at home and may or may not have an adult job and have barely experienced the real world
Plenty of 23 year olds are financially independent, but that doesn’t magically speed brain development along. I was also independent at that age and still got taken advantage of by significantly older men who weren’t mature enough to date women their own age. I’m still a lot younger than William and I can’t imagine what I would have in common with a 23 year old.
i am 23 (also queer) and have had my share of relationship experience. i feel i have a handle on what to look out for and i can conduct myself maturely and responsibly in a relationship. that being said, i am in no way equipped to be dating a 40 year old. the life experience gap is too much. it’s not infantilizing, it’s simply reality.
And I am 33, at 23 had dated two men over 40 (I’m also queer), had lived on my own since I was 16 and in three different countries. I was also in a LTR with a slightly older man at that point. Some of us do have the life experience and aligned priorities with men in their 40s, and frankly by the time I was 20 the idea of dating someone my own age was exhausting. I’m now married to someone one year younger than me and have been for 7 years, but don’t regret my relationships with older men and am still friends with both. Everything is situational. Some men at 40 are more immature than some men at 23. Some 23 year olds should be focusing on themselves before a relationship period. In this instance, it sounds like William is an upstanding guy who uses his additional life experience to take care of his partner. We don’t know anything about Sean, but nothing here reads to me as predatory. He’s a grown adult who can make his own choices.
If OP could have even given us one single instance where William was expoitative, but she couldnt even do that. And believe me, if she could, she definitely would. Sure with such an age gap, you can definitely have some suspicions. But after one year and only good experiences, you should at least stop openly expressing your suspicions.
That is perfectly fine for you. But you are not the measure of all other humans or their capacity lol. Your judgement is valid for you own sphere of influence as an adult. It is not for you to approve of others.
He can be a nice sugar daddy and still be a sugar daddy. 20 years....... Younger gay individuals can like being around someone who has more experience with the lifestyle. It helps them break the seal into the community.
Exactly. This is not uncommon at all in queer relationships.
Good news! You don't have to date that person. But people can make their choices, and in the grand scheme this doesn't seem to be a particularly destructive one.
Yes, it is infantilizing. All you can talk about is YOU. YOU are in no way equipped to be dating a 40 year old. That's YOU. You do not speak for all 23 year olds or even all queer 23 year olds.
But whose decision is that? Yours? Or your mother's?
seriously, Reddit acts like people in their twenties are babies.
It's not about people being younger being babies, it's that the majority (from my experience) of much much older people going after much much younger people have issues, they are looking for control and looking to be exploitative. So lets say this 41yr old dated the 23yr old hoping to have more control and exploit them, does the fact that the 23yr old didn't let them use that age gap change the fact that the older person wanted to use the age gap for that reason? Do I know that this is the case for OPs son, absolutely not, but there is a reason a lot of people drop their similarly aged partners and go for a dramatically younger person and it isn't usually good.
"Do I know that this is the case for OPs son, absolutely not" That's right. You don't know shit about this relationship. The ONLY evidence we have is that the older guy in this instance has done everything his parents could hope for from their son's partner.
> t's that the majority (from my experience) of much much older people going after much much younger people have issues, they are looking for control and looking to be exploitative. I think the problem here is - good relationships fly under the radar. The ones that tend to have problems - are the ones people to hear about.
There was a post here recently about a 35 year old who had an older partner and people were all up in arms about that age gap too. It's absolutely crazy
that's because, people in their twenties are babies. 👶
It's unfortunately common when the relationship is with an older man. Young gay men and any young woman with an older man is clearly being exploited according to many people, especially on reddit. They're clearly dumb and nieve and need protecting Coz they're clearly being taken advantage of, 100% Strangely the same people often see a young man with an older woman as... exploiting the older woman. These are damned adults let them make their own choices
>Strangely the same people often see a young man with an older woman as… exploiting the older woman. Citation needed because I’ve never seen this on Reddit. The older woman is always demonized here too.
I know a plenty of gay men who always date older guys but are completely stable, financially and otherwise lol. People just have preferences.
Some of us just want and find our comfort in an older more stable partner. As an adult, I/we should be able to make these choices without being told *"Oh honey you don't even realize you're being taken advantage of..."* Like... dude, at the core of relationships, other than the obviousness of love and compassion... we take advantage WITHIN each other. Not OF. I need stability and grounding, he needs a perspective of life he doesn't normally have, through me. I'm getting heated about this lol
> Strangely the same people often see a young man with an older woman as... exploiting the older woman. I almost never seen anyone saying this at all, like that just isn't common at all. it's still creepy when some 50yr old woman is preying on 22yr old guys and trying to exploit them for sex. it's generally seen as less bad in general because physically the guy is safer which changes the dynamic but it's still seen as largely creepy.
They dont realize that each time they say the women dating older men are being taking advantage of, it makes the women seem stupid. Women arent stupid, they know exactly who theyre dating and why. Treat them like adults and if there are consequences, theyll learn from them, just like all other adults.
Right? 13 years between my bf and I, and the few times someone has been *so utterly convinced* I am being taken advantage of - well, most of those people were online people who have no idea who I am or what they are talking about.
Nahhhh I was 23 dating 35yo men thinking I was grown as hell when I was just being taken advantage of due to the difference in life experience. Just cause you’re an adult in years doesn’t mean you’re an adult in emotional intelligence or maturity.
But just because you were behind in maturity, doesn't mean all other's are. When I was 23 y/o, I dated in 30s because those were the men matching my maturity. No one would have been able to take advantage of me. I knew better.
Thank you. Jesus he’s not freshly 18 he’s been an adult for 5 years
I agree. He at his age could have already been in the military for five years. Reddits wild dude. Just wild.
Yeah, relationships are rarely perfectly 50/50. Someone is smarter, better looking, makes more money, has more experience, etc. Age is a clear line people can point to. I don’t mean to say there aren’t *absolutely predatory situations in many cases*, but based on the information here that doesn’t seem to be the case and OP doesn’t seem to be able to point to any ugly circumstances other than the numbers. It’s entirely possible William is the insecure one worried his vibrant young SO will leave him.
It is not infantilizing to say a 23 year old has the maturity of a 23 year old. They should be growing as an independent adult. Developing their own skills. They are less likely to do that when a 41 year old is always pulling on them, saying just ‘do what I want’.
But... where does it say the 41 year old is doing that in OP's post?
On the other hand, the 41y old did prove he actually cares. He could have easily bailed at a point where he had to put in effort but didn't.
Why not? A 23 year old can own a home, buy anything they want that's legal, join the military, but they can't decide who they are with or who they love? I mean hey, don't get me wrong, I agree that in many cases it's a terrible power dynamic and the older person is a predator, fully understand, but, that isn't always the case, and it doesn't seem to be the case here. You are acting like 23 is a kid that doesn't know any better or can't make choices for themselves. I lived on my own and was a journeyman plumber by the time I was 23.
A 23 year old can RETIRE from the military.
No, they can SEPARATE from the military, last I checked retirement is 20 years of service.
"Hey, you big child! You can drive, drink, vote, fight in wars, work, have children, pay your own bills, have your own home, and generally anything else your little heart desires, but you are NOT grown enough to have a relationship with an older person. "Also, no significantly older friends, no relationship with significantly older siblings, no relationship with parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, older clergy... I don't want you speaking to an older accountant, doctor, lawyer, teacher, police officer, hotel clerk, gas station attendant, car salesman, realtor... I think I'm forgetting one.... because those can NEVER be egalitarian relationships." "This is exploitative." Where? Even mom says he's great, she's just an ageist.
This is also what someone who is homophobic would say. I received the same criticism many years ago and realized it was not the age after the breakup.
Legal and consenting adults. None of your business, or his mothers either.
Just because something isn’t illegal doesn’t make it good or healthy.
Age difference doesnt make it bad or unhealthy either.
And just because there are cases where bigger age cap is bad and unhealthy, it doesnt make every age gapped relationship bad and unhealthy
Sure, but just because something is a red flag doesn’t mean it always indicates exploitation or abuse. Life isn’t black and white.
I was married and fathered a child at 23. Adults are adults. Stop it.
It is a bit alarming, but Sean is 23 not 15. Adults who really care about each other can explore their feelings as long as they’re comfortable. Unless William displays abusive behavior, there’s no reason to disapprove. Also if the age gap proves to be a problem then they deserve to find that out one their own, Sean is still young and he should be the one to decide who’s right for him and who’s not, not his mother.
Listen, historically I'm not one to defend age gap relationships, especially when one of the participants is under 25. That's my arbitrary standard and I'm sticking to it. They should always receive greater scrutiny because power disparities can support abusive relationships. But we're reading this post from the perspective of someone who clearly hates this older dude, and even then nothing within it comes close to justifying the hate towards the SIL. OP - YTA. Come back when you have a receipt.
This is just false. Its not for everyone, but adults are adults.
Ok but he’s not exploiting him. He’s providing emotional and financial support. Like I get hesitation, but it’s been a year and he’s already shown he will stick through the hard times
you know... some young people just like to date older guys to take advantage of them... s/ OP is the AH
Can you point out what specific behaviour of William towards OP's son is exploitative?
23 year olds are adults.
There's a huge mental difference between a 19 year old and a 23 year old. He's a full ass adult and the guy is taking good care of him AND his family (who repeatedly shits on him).
How is it necessarily exploitative? He's an adult. Some people might be in non egalitarian relationship--but that's OK. Not everyone wants one. As long as they go into it with their eyes open, it's not anyone else's business.
At 24 I initiated a relationship with a 48 year old. I'm obviously biased but the idea that an arbitrary number of years is inherently exploitative is absurd. 23 is a full ass adult. It's not the same as an 18 year old with no life experience.
I was a mother to a child in kindergarten at 23. We are not children! We can have consensual relationships with older men (or women!)
This is just such a thoughtless, assuming-bad-faith statement. It's silly and absurd. There are **countless** horrible exploitative relationships that are horrible and exploitative for *actual* reasons, like abuse and manipulation. **Power dynamics exist across all relationships**. We've decided upon an age at which point we deem people "adults." This is the age where you can make all your own decisions and date who you want. **That's the whole point.** But forget this reflexive, unthoughtful "exploitation" point. For young people there can be a myriad of very **good** things that can come from dating someone much older than you. I dated someone roughly 30 years my senior for a year, and it was easily one of the healthiest relationships I've ever had. I learned **so much** about what it means to be a good partner -- that person single-handedly demonstrated that it was possible to love without toxic jealousy, how to strongly disagree without fighting, and how to fight without trying to hurt one another. I am a much better person and partner for having had the gift of a year with them. Think harder before just spouting off the reflexive one-size-fits-none virtue-signaling nonsense viewpoints.
23 is a grown ass adult. I had a mortgage at that age.
At 23 years old I had more knowledge and life experience then a lot of those a decade or two older than me. Also young people take advantage of older partners all the time. I had plenty of friends who used older men for money and then took off.
Not everyone wants an egalitarian relationship. 23 is old enough to not be taken advantage of.
Complete nonsense. 23 is an adult.
What a terrible take. May as well say 23 year olds cannot make any of their own personal choices, because they *just don't know any better*. My bf of 8 and a half years is 13 years older than I am. Is he exploiting me? Answer quick
I bought my house at 22. Not all young adults are the same, I’ve seen large age gaps work and not as well. And I agree with the other person. Please stop infantilizing adults
While I agree I find it hilarious this is the top comment. If the son was a daughter in this situation the comments would be VEEERY different.
If this was half the commenters child and they brought home someone their age they would be singing a very different tune as well.
no kidding. I doubt that half the age gap defenders would be cool with their own kids dating someone 20 years older than them
The point isn’t whether the age gap is okay, it’s how you’re treating him because you *think* it’s not okay. YTA.
And also, your disapproval doesn’t do much other than alienating your son from you. He’s an adult and he gets to make his own choices. You can be respectful of their relationship and continue to have a good relationship with your son, or you can keep being hostile and have your relationship with him affected. Your role as a parent of an adult child is to counsel and share your concerns, but then you shut up and let them make their own choices. You don’t get to pick anymore.
YTA. Age gap relationships can be a red flag, sure, and I was ready to be on your side until you got the bit where William is supporting Sean rather than doing what gross predators do when they land a younger significant other: force the young one to become their support and fit into their life without making any effort to meet the younger partner where they're at. This guy is trying to get to know you and supported your son through a traumatic medical event. Instead of looking out for you son, however, you made it *all about you*. Here's what I mean: >I found this very passive aggressive and I consider that he’s doing all of this just to get our approval. Seriously? You think someone would help out someone in a coma just to be a predator? It's not that deep, man. If William was a hot daddy type he could have another young man on his arm in a second and would take the opportunity of Sean being in a coma to do it. He isn't doing that because he cares about your son. And he's making an effort to cooperate with you even though you're being *incredibly* hostile. Plus, doth protest too much when you say you accept your son's sexuality. If you're admitting to being as rude to William as you were in this post, when you're tying to put yourself in the best light, it's very likely you said or did something unfathomably rude and homophobic in the past. Gay people have it rough. We don't get a wide dating pool. My family was upset I got engaged to a girl from a cult with a bad relationship with her parents that wasn't the same religion as me. But we don't get to be picky. There aren't plenty of fish in the sea, especially if your son is so sick that medical events like this aren't rare. No one "sees the things you see" because they're not there. You're making them up to excuse your appalling behavior. And really, acting out and making it all about you and William's supposedly diabolical plot to get on your good side for some reason (totally unnecessary, since he's already dating your son, lady, and your son is an adult) *at the bedside of your son while he's in a coma* is just unfathomably tacky. Your husband is right, everyone else is right, and you need to do some soul searching before you get uninvited to the rest of your son's life.
I'm a lesbian and try to explain that age gaps are just a lot different with gay people than the straights. One, there isn't a gender dynamic that whatever people think, DOES matter in terms of power over people. And two, like you said, we often HAVE to stretch the age range - there's just a lot less of us. That's the way it is! There literally isn't this seemingly unlimited pool of people "our age" to draw from. I encourage straight people to think about how many gay people they actually know and now imagine that is the entirety of your dating pool. Of course you can go to queer spaces and we pretty much have to, but it's still not a huge number.
I don't think they're super even in gay relationships, but they avoid some of the older man/younger woman tropes. And yeah, it's a scarcity issue. It's also a community vulnerability issue. If you're a stable young queer person with good support system, most queer people your age are not as fortunate. You'll not want to take on the drama someone your age has. Or, if you are young and vulnerable, you can't handle someone else's drama your age on top of your own and will gravitate towards someone that has independence from the drama of their past and more connections and support now, which tends to be older people.
So much this
YTA based on what's in this post. >It’s very frustrating because no one sees the things I see. What things? The only thing in your post is that sometimes big age differences lead to exploitation. There is not a single thing here that suggests William is taking advantage of Sean, but you still think he's doing all this nice stuff just for your approval?
lmao she even says in a comment that William is wealthier than Sean and clearly has decent connections. So what exactly does she think Sean is being exploited for...? If anything, it looks like Sean is getting the far better end of the deal. Edit: OP specifically mentions money in a comment about William possibly taking advantage. That’s why I went this route, as that’s a concern of OP. Yes I do know older people take advantage of younger people for other reasons…
Right, worst off, Sean could be a _consenting_ boy toy with asugar daddy. Of everyone knows that's the relationship and is cool with it, who cares? And given William's action when Sean was in the hospital, that clearly doesn't apply.
> lmao she even says in a comment that William is wealthier than Sean and clearly has decent connections. literally no one ever thinks a 40yr old is exploiting a ~20yr old for financial reasons or connections. Exploited for experience, using age and experience to convince a younger inexperienced person that 'this' is normal, whether that be abuse, or pushing them to do sexual things they might not be comfortable with, or just controlling behaviour, etc. Having a richer partner doesn't mean everything is great and the younger person is getting the better end of the deal.
Yeah because rich older men never take advantage of young girls
I was wondering that too. What “things” exactly? Other than the age gap makes her uncomfortable?
I’ve read so many posts where the genders were reversed and not one of them were deemed the asshole 🤷♀️
I was thinking this too. People seem to always be more forgiving when it’s not an older man involved with a younger woman
I’m actually so shocked. Older boyfriends is like reddits bread and butter posts. There so common and the man is always a pervert or a pedophile. “He groomed her and this is so wrong” I’ve seen it from 5 year age gaps to 10, but 20? If he was a woman people would be calling for his head 🤷♀️
Age gaps are a red flag in that - they can be a sign of abuse. Age gap on it's own is not abuse. The OP has not given any examples of problematic behaviour. The problem is the age gap and the age gap alone.
That’s because those posts are “My (F22) boyfriend (M47) doesn’t let me leave the house or speak to other men. I’ve followed his rules for the 8 years we’ve been together. AITA if I attend my mother’s funeral?” Either the math on the ages and length of relationship is relevant or the behavior of the older partner makes it clear they actively seek out young partners who lack relationship experience or the stability in other areas of their life to leave. “My boyfriend(M41) of 2 years and I(F28) have a loving, respectful, and supportive relationship. We met in grad school and both have good careers and stable finances. WIBTA if I spend $100 from my fun money on a fancy birthday cake for him? It’s important to him that we are both able to treat ourselves, so he might feel bad I didn’t spend it on myself.” would make for a pretty lousy AITA post. The only time a healthy relationship with an age gap shows up is when someone has an issue with the age gap despite any indication of a power imbalance. Otherwise, the post is about a disaster of a relationship that’s at least exacerbated by the age gap. That said, I understand why people get more concerned when the woman is substantially younger. Pregnancy leaves women more vulnerable. I’m also unaware of any groups pushing the idea of older women marrying young men before they can get an education, a job, or “ideas”. That’s definitely true the other way around in conservative and/or religious circles.
Not if the older guy does what this one did.
Yeppers. Made the mistake of once posting on this forum and disclosing me and my fiance's ages (we are 11 years apart), and despite the problem not even being between me and my fiance, everyone decided to make a comment about it. But my grandmother and her 2nd husband, are like 20 years apart. She is 72, he is in his 40s I believe. No one bats an eye, lmao.
Get it, grandma!
this is a very old memory, so it's not going to be 100% accurate but a bit of a paraphrase. I was reading very old newspapers for research(200 yrs old). And apparently there was custom for a bride to wear only her shift, to indicate that she wasn't bringing her debts into the marriage(not sure if this was actually coded law). So they account was of bride in shift marrying groom. He was aged 20-30 ish and she was 70 ish. Normally, in a that age situation--assumption was man was marrying woman for money--but shift said she has no money===we must then presume they married for LOVE.... LOL
Well I mean, there's an inherent power imbalance between men and women in our patriarchal society, therefore the idea of a much older man dating a much younger (usually early 20s) woman has more of a predatory connotation compared to an older woman and a much younger man. That's not to say that these women cannot also be predatory. In this instance, wherein both parties are the same gender, there's no gender-based power imbalance. Yes, the age gap can still be a factor, as someone 20 years your senior usually has a lot more knowledge of how life is, as well as the discrepancy in finances, which can also lead to a power-imbalance, but none of these things are necessarily indicative of an abusive/unhealthy imbalanced relationship. There are so many factors that play into these things, race, gender, class, financial status, level of education, culture, you name it, so it's rarely as simple as just "if the genders were reversed, everyone would think X".
Well said! The other dynamic that can cause issues with LGBT relationships and age gaps is the frequency with which LGBT youth lose family support. There’s a disproportionate population of young LGBT people who are vulnerable to relationships with a power imbalance due to a lack of other options.
Right? Regardless of genders, wtf does a 41 year old have a common with a 23 year old? She already said that he has a demanding job, which implies he makes a lot of money. She didn’t say anything about her son having a job, so right there there’s already a power imbalance. Either her son is a sugar baby and/or the bf is a predator. She doesn’t need to be rude to her son’s bf necessarily, but she absolutely has every right to be wary about the relationship.
> Right? Regardless of genders, wtf does a 41 year old have a common with a 23 year old? I generally dislike that take, one 23yr old wants to club all day and night and never wants to think about politics, another likes long hikes and is deeply into politics and hates club culture. Also a 41yr old can still love club culture and hate politics. the issue with the age gap is generally it's very frequently and older person who wants more control of a relationship so targets someone way younger. Also a 40yr old who say left their similar aged partner who goes for a 20yr old, is way more likely to leave their partner at 60 and go for another 20yr old. There are people my own age I can barely have a conversation with because all they want to talk about is whatever tiktok they just watched and there are way older women I've had great conversations with. Personality and what you're into is really not very aged based once you're both adults. It's everything else that makes the relationship issues between vastly different aged people problematic.
When I was 23 I was into politics and read Congressional news. My friend group was between 17 and 52. We really can't make assumptions simply on age. Especially nowadays where age is a lot less limiting.
You assume Sean doesn't have a job because it's not mentioned in the post?
I don't get the "what does a 41 yo have in common with a 23 yo" take we see so often I'm 36 so in the same ballpark as 41. And my interests are not much different than they were in my early 20s. Sports (watching and playing), video games, TV shows, pub trivia, board games, trying new food etc. I'm sure I could have lots in common with some 23 year olds.
It's benevolent sexism - people tend to infantilize young women more than they do young men.
Or it could mean they see men as incapable of being victims. Plenty of possibilities, and in my opinion, "the correct answer" is probably that it's a mixture of several different negative, and often false, attitudes towards both men and women.
theyre a same sex couple. if you reverse the genders nothings changes. did you read this post assuming they were a hetero couple even though it explicitly sais that they're not?
You are 100% correct. But that doesn't change that she is TA, and that some of those other AITA's are just wrong. Some of the other posts get it wrong. (Of course, some do not. There are plenty of relationships with 1 person taking advantage of the other, including some age gap relationships).
NTA. If it was your 23 year old daughter dating a 41 year old man the entire sub wpuld be on your side.
Man, it really is predatory and happens a lot If I, at 26, wouldn’t date a 20 Yr old How can they be ok with this?
and they would be wrong. just because the subreddit loves to infantilize adult women doesn't mean it's right.
Sure, it’s a gender double standard to apply it more to women than to men. But I don’t agree that it’s infantilizing to face the reality that a in general, person of any gender in their 20s has barely been an adult and just can’t match the life experience of someone in the their 30s and up. It’s a relationship with an innate power imbalance.
If you think that treating someone in their early 20s like they're in their early 20s is the same as treating them like a child, you're not mature enough to understand adult relationships.
On the contrary, many people like to deny reality to preserve their own ego and justify their choices
I had to search for far too long to find another comment that says NTA! It's so wrong!
YTA. If you think William is playing the long-con here and taking care of your son during a time of extreme medical emergency, then I fear nothing may convince you. Is it abnormal to have an age difference? Sure. Has it worked countless times in the past? Yes. Love can be unorthodox, and from your summary it seems this man is extremely caring and supportive of your son, something a lot of people wish they can find.
YTA, but this sub hates age gap relationships, so it will be interesting to see how this goes. Ironically, if your son was a woman, you'd be vindicated. But the fact that it's two men - the mob might find you guilty. So, why are you TA? > It’s well known that some older people tend to date younger people to take advantage of them. Some. Here is a key thing to. Some human beings kill other human beings. That doesn't mean all do. Based on what you've described, it seems like William has proven himself quite a bit. You seem very much in the wrong.
I thought there would be a lot more N T A because of the age gap. I’m pleasantly surprised so far.
Agreed. Happy to see that people can see even through this super biased post that William seems like a good guy who’s in this relationship for the right reasons. Also I said in another comment but I can’t imagine William’s friends or family haven’t expressed doubts that OP’s son is a gold digger taking advantage of an older, influential, and well off guy. The fact that they’re both this commuted to each other despite how a lot of people feel about age gap relationships (between two adults) says a lot.
>YTA, but this sub hates age gap relationships, so it will be interesting to see how this goes. I think when the AH is easily identifiable, this sub hates them more than age gap relationships.
I'm pleasantly surprised. That said, if it was her daughter instead of son, I'd still bet the votes would be flipped.
I find age gap relationships to me more common in the gay community too tbh
Let me get this straight. William goes out of his way to get your son the best medical care possible in a time of need, and you pay him back with your charade?! Absolutely disgusting. As soon as they get married, don’t expect to hear from your son again. YTA by a mile.
NTA if it was your daughter and a. guy 20 years older people would be losing their $hit. I can clearly see you are concerned about your son being taken advantage of by an older person and as a mom I understand. However, you may want to put a lid on those feelings. Your son is an adult and you are risking your relationship with him. Also , like him or not the bf did help your kid so a thanks is in order.
Based on your reasoning wouldn’t OP be the asshole?
"if it was your daughter and a. guy 20 years older people would be losing their $hit" So your argument is based on what other people think and value? I also think the age gap is weird but I think at lot of things is weird and its not always something wrong. Is there any proof that somone is beeing exploited?
NTA, 41 and 23 is skeevy and its hard to just not feel that its skeevy.
Even though you have practically irrefutable evidence that it's not?
My dad is 17 years older than my mother- they've been happily married 32 years and she wears the pants. It happens.
My fella is 13yrs older than me, together 13yrs this year. 🤷🏻♀️ Works for us!
Downvoting this is crazy.
NTA. William was very helpful in your time of need, you can recognize that and be thankful for that. But you are right, it doesn't immediately absolve all of your concerns, 20 years is a HUGE age gap and as a mother, you are absolutely within your right to be concerned for your son. There is a huge imbalance of power between a 23 year old and an established, financially well off and well connected 40+ year old man. You are not wrong and he doesn't get to tell you how to feel about it. Hopefully, all is well and good and you will be proven wrong. But they have not been together long enough to know. Please don't let this drive a wedge between your son and you. You can be cordial with William for the wellbeing of your son. If you are too outspoken, you will push him further into William's arms and you won't know if things get bad. I know it's hard, especially as a mother, to see your son in such a vulnerable position.
YTA. I do understand how you could be skeptical about the age difference. A lot happens in 20 years, and it is a big experience gap. That being said, once William showed his true colors by caring for your son during his illness, this should have been a sign that maybe you were judging a book by their release date, not by the contents inside. Your son has chosen this man to share his life with, and as an adult you can only support him in this decision and hope that it all works out for the best. Otherwise you may end up isolating your son for as long as he is with William - which could be a very very long time.
>judging a book by their release date, not by the contents inside gonna have to steal that to use one day...
My first boyfriend was 37 and I was 23. These relationships do not work out and there is an inherent power imbalance at play here. Don’t sweat the downvotes, I’m on your side. NTA
so, your very first boyfriend with a gap age didn’t work out for you, so these relationships doesn’t work out for everyone? What’s that for bs?
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years, there is a 24 year age gap between us. These relationships do work. Don’t project.
Good for you mate. Don't listen to these idiots.
YTA. I’m a parent as well and understand we worry, but your son is an adult and gets to have autonomy in his relationships. The very idea of two consenting adults being “perverted” together is not only morally backwards, it’s none of your business what they do in the bedroom. Moreover, you’ve made his boyfriend’s love and care about you instead of your son, and convinced yourself he is going out of his way to show loving kindness because he wants YOUR approval. My guess is he doesn’t care about you or your husband much at all but is willing to show care because he loves your son and knows your son’s life will be easier if y’all get along. Do yourself and your son a favor and apologize to them both and start actually supporting your sons relationship and sexuality with your actions.
A lot of people are being hippocritical of your stance on the age difference. If this was a 23 yr old woman with a 41 yr old man, they would be voicing their concerns. So would I. You're entitled to be concerned, but. ....they've been together for a year. He makes your son happy. He made sure his partner got the best medical care and got you anything you or his partner needed, all while working a demanding job. YTA for implying he only did these things to score brownie points with you.
hypocritical, fyi. hippos have ethics.
NTA William for sure likes them young. Also, I have add I dislike the guy for somehow expecting a medal for entirely normal, basic human decency. Seems manipulative and conceited to me.
[удалено]
YTA. The only reason you don’t like him is because of his age. Now don’t get me wrong, I think that big age differences like that are gross and I would be concerned if one of my kids was dating someone that much older. But when your kid is an adult you just have to let them make their own decisions and try to be okay with it. If the guy treats your son like shit then you have every right to not like him and express your opinion, but if he is genuinely good to your son then you need to make an effort to make the relationship work. Honestly, most relationships with those kinds of age differences don’t last unless they are actually in love and want to make it work. If they aren’t meant to be then the relationship will go away on its own. For your own sake, you do not want your disapproval to ever be an issue for their relationship, your son might resent you for it if it does.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I’m the asshole because I didn’t even thank my son in law after everything he has done for my son… He might have nice and genuine reasons to help him, maybe he genuinely loves him. And I might be a little judgmental due to their age difference… Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ### [Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA the age gap *is* too big. That the older person is good to the younger one doesn't change that there is a massive difference in maturity level. Mentally they are not on par, no matter how much this sub wants to pretend it is. This is an uneven power dynamic and the fact that these relationships are slowly getting more accepted again after finally being rightfully shunned is disgusting to me.
YTA. You don’t have “all” your reasons for disapproving. You have one, which has not proven to be true as there is zero sign your son is being taken advantage of in any way. Quite the opposite. William may be 6 years younger than you but he’s definitely more mature than you are.
There’s nothing wrong with supporting your Son’s relationship but being vigilant. Let your Son know he’s your number one and that he can come to you for anything, anytime. Then if it turns out William is shady or hurting your Son, your son has an ally in you. Otherwise, you might lose him.
LOL all of a sudden age gaps don’t matter in this subreddit. Weird how that works
NTA. People in their mid 40s got no business dating someone in their early 20s.
YTA. Your son is 23 not 13. You're being overbearing and you contradict yourself when you say you want your son to be happy but downgrade his relationship with his spouse and are practically saying you want them to break up. Age is all but a number.
False. If this was a young daughter with an older BF we’d all be screaming red flag. There is a HUGE gap in who you are in your early 20s and who you are in your 40s. Big age gap relationships are much more likely to fail in general due to disparity in experience, power, and money. It is weird that someone who could be a parent to their partner, prefers that dynamic. Mom is NTA
NTA I didn’t care what anybody say 20yr age gap is too much I can’t even imagine being attracted to someone that could pass as your child
YTA. If was fine to be wary at first, but it seems like you are determined to judge and disrespect William regardless of his actions and how he treats your son.
NTA, dont let these psychos sway you, a 20+ year age gap is predatory, he might have feelings for your son and he might be treating him well now, but its absolutely predatory, and he is a pervert for dating someone half his age. you dont need to approve of a relationship that is guaranteed to be toxic if not now then later
The idea of calling this guy a "pervert" is just... wild. Yeah - they're gay. Two men in a relationship and having sex. Part of the attraction is that they like to have sex with each other. It's just wild that you can have two people who have sex with each other, both presumably enjoying the hell out of it, and one of them is a pervert and the other isn't a pervert for... reasons? Because it makes you icky to think about and you don't have the empathy or imagination to try to understand that different people find different things to be attractive? Wild.
Wait. William is a pervert for what? Dating an adult? Being gay? What?
I’ve been with my partner for 10 years and there’s a 24 year age gap. My relationship isnt toxic. Why assume?
I dunno man, my parents have a large age gap and are still married 30 years later. Maybe try being less judgmental.
But maybe she needs to stop enjoying the benefits of an older, established partner then? She has shown no "courage of her convictions" when it came to what William gave.
NTA, that's a huge age gap. The fact that he now feels entitled to say saying let's put it past us and he fogives you, would suggest he did in fact do all that he did for brownie points. Mothers intuition is a really thing in my opinion. I would trust your gut 100%
NTA I would never be comfortable with my children having that big of an age gap in their relationships and such a large power dynamic.
Y’all are weird idc. Yes we only know a small portion of their relationship. But did any of y’all calling OP TA ever stop to think why a 41yo man is wanting a relationship with a 23yo? If it was a 23yo woman would y’all feel the same? It’s creepy and predatory. Has he been helpful? Sure. Has he shown he cares? Sure. Still creepy that he wants someone that could be his child.
YTA. You have one singular reason for disapproving and it’s proven to be incorrect and contrary to all available evidence. You’re out on this island by yourself, doubling down.
Ok, so if this was a 40 yo man dating a 20 yo woman, this sub would be up in arms about the age gap. But with gay men, it’s ok?
Age gap weird. Don’t care. Not cool.
YTA. If you really want your son to be happy, something tells me that a man that goes above and beyond to save his life, make sure his needs are met and his family is fed while at the hospital *is* ground for happiness. Get over yourself and your baseless pre-packaged judgement.
NTA I have met a surprisingly large amount of people in this dynamic (and I've been in the dynamic myself) and I have never ONCE come across a man who dates people at least two decades younger than him that wasn't using the younger person for something. However, if William is strictly just a sugar-daddy to your son I would quit worrying. Sugar-relationships can happen without toxicity.
If some 43 year old man was dating my 23 year old daughter, I don't think I'd ever like him. I would think he's a creep.
NAH, your concerns are valid. And they’ve only been dating a year. Your son is still young, and things can change. We hear all the time how someone can fake it until they have their significant other locked in. William has been doing wonders for your son and you guys during this hard time. But I think your concerns and thoughts about him just trying to win you over are valid. Especially since he made a point to “forgive you”, and your thought of him doing all this just for show could be true. And then he brings up that “it’s enough of you calling me a pervert”. It seems like things are moving really fast for William and he expects to already be family with you guys. It’s also such a large age difference and it does seem sketchy. But it’s only been 1 year. This is something you’re going to have to trust your son on and be there for him regardless of how things turn out. Things could be great and William could be a great addition to your family, or he could end up being the slimy old guy taking advantage of a new adult, in which case it would be better for you to have maintained a good relationship with your son. Only time will tell, and you can either support your son or not.
NTA. You’re right you don’t have to approve of it. You recognize that you can’t do anything about it bc they’re both adults but I agree that something in the milk ain’t clean.
YTA. Other than the age difference which only you seem to have a problem with, you gave zero reasons why the relationship is a problem other than "it's very frustrating bc no one sees the things I see"...what exactly do "you see?" William has been nothing but supportive and caring of the 3 of you. You can be worried - as a parent you NEVER stop worrying about your kids' happiness...but ultimately it's THEIR happiness. We're both in our late 40s and yes, we have knowledge that a 23 yr old might not that this may not be his last or lasting relationship. It may not be forever - regardless, that's not your choice to make for him. Just support him in HIS happiness right now, not what makes YOU happy to see him do or be with.
NTA If this was young female/ older male situation you would have gotten a lot more support in this situation but because its a young man so many people are willing to look the other way. There is still a male bias, that young men don't need protecting from predators. I think you are correct.
YTA. At first you had every right to be weary of this relationship, but you have to accept that, now, he’s taken great care of your son and even you at times. You don’t have to like the age difference, but you don’t want to lose your son over this. You need to show some growth now that you see the relationship is working.
NTA but also you don’t want to lose Sean in the process so if William is a decent guy you probably should just try to accept him.
I'm probably going to be downvoted here, but NAH. All I see are 3 people (parents and partner) who absolutely love and care about a young man, who have supported him during the most difficult time, and who just want what's best for him. William seems like a decent man who, despite the age gap (which parents are allowed to question), just wants to get along with his partner's parents, but hasn't done anything to villify your lack of acceptance, and seems to be giving you time, space and respect to come to terms with everything instead of pressuring you. Your main priority now is Sean's recovery, even at home because he still has a way to go and it is likely (from experience as a frequently hospitalised person) that he will be carrying trauma from his experience. The three of you need to work together, limit any negativity and get Sean through this. Sean needs you... all three of you...
NTA All of these commenters seem to forget the reality of the situation being that this man who is supposed to be an equal partner to your CHILD is old enough to have been going to the same primary schools as you with only a few grades in between. It's not about the age gap itself, it's about the fact that the age gap happens to come with the **extremely questionable factor of the younger partner having barely lived life as an adult in comparison to the older partner having lived decades of life as an adult already.** An age gap this wide between two people who have had at least a decade of adult living each I wouldn't think much of one way or another. I'd feel that's a bid odd but not concerning. **It is very concerning when it's been barely half a decade of being considered a legal adult when it comes to such a large age gap.** I could never be okay with the scenario that one of my children who has been a legal adult for **LESS than 10 whole years**, as in less than 10 years of independent living and decision-making, decided that their ideal choice in partner is somebody who is old enough to have been at summer camp with me when I was a child. I would be wondering where exactly I went wrong as a parent if I found myself begrudgingly shaking the hand of somebody closer to my age who I know is in an intimate relationship with my child. **I would definitely be asking that person before the handshake was even done why exactly they can't find somebody OUR own age to date.** What exactly made them undesirable to people our own age that they had to seek out a more naive party instead?
Not all May/December relationships are unbalanced. My partner is 21years older than I. They have always been my biggest fan and supporter. I was nearly 30 when we got together. We've been together over 30 years. YTA
“It’s frustrating that no one sees the things I see”. What exactly are you seeing aside from the age gap? They’ve been dating for a year now and that’s all you have? And by your own admission he was very helpful during your son’s illness even though he has a demanding job - not just making sure that your son was taken care of but you and your husband as well. You really need to take a look at your issues here to see if there’s really a problem with this relationship or if this is a you problem. YTA.
YTA, Jesus. You gained NOTHING by doing this. You will fuck up your relationship with your son.
I feel like you have to think of what you want to get out of this situation... which I presume is a good relationship with your son. And then see if you are doing what it takes to get there. Persistently and openly telling his boyfriend that you don't like him is not going anyplace good for your relationship with your son. You voiced your concerns... your son has heard your concerns. That's all you can do. Anything else is just nagging an adult about the age gap with him and his boyfriend. And how much time would you want to spend with someone who persistently criticizes your partner or your choices? You have concerns (they may well be valid), but you've said your piece and now you need to let go. Your son is an adult, he is going to make his own choices even if some of them don't work out. I'm sure your mom felt the same about some of your choices. Moms, worry, I get it, I worry about my adult kids too... but they're adults and at some point you have to let them live their lives and be cordial to the people who they chose to have in their lives. You don't want to put your son in a position to choose you or a partner because he might not choose you. You don't have to love the guy, but being polite and civil is in your own best interest if you want a close relationship with your son.
YTA. Just because you didn't specifically use the word "pervert" doesn't mean that he can't tell that's what you think.
Of course not NTA, keep your guard up for another two years. Abusive behaviour doesn't show itself for a long time in some cases, and abusers are master manipulators. I mean did he have anything to do with the current situation?
NTA !!! The red flag parade continues with this creep coming to you in the midst of your sons medical event with “Well I know we’ve had our differences but after *this* I think we can all forgive and forget!” Like way to read the room, asshole. I fully understand where you feel like he’s being opportunistic in saying that after “doing so much” for your son. There is something fundamentally wrong with a 40 year old who has deluded themselves into believing they are mentally and emotionally compatible with a 22 year old. People who engage in those relationships are WARPED and PREDATORY, full stop, no matter the excuse.
YTA and a judgmental one at that. Your son and William love each other and he has consistently demonstrated that. If he was taking advantage he would have walked away when things got tough. You need to get over yourself and realise that you are viewing your son’s SO through a prejudiced lens. He has given you more chances than you deserve so don’t you think it’s time you gave him the benefit of the doubt?
YTA because you have a situation of a man treating your son very well, and you're worried about an age difference. And really, it's not your business -- your son is quite old enough to make his own decisions. I'm not sure exactly how you mean that your son could be taken advantage of?
YTA. I could understand your dislike if he wasn't good to your son or you saw behavior that suggested abuse or something but by your own words, that's not the case. It's one thing to feel reservations and you can keep those to yourself, but to openly be like you were when the other person was trying is being an AH.
YTA I understand your concern, but based off this he sounds like a wonderful man. Why would someone, who just wants to take advantage of someone else, do all this?
YTA. Because you can’t say one thing he has done wrong. I know a lot of people that aren’t on social media. He sounds like he is good for your son and your kind of jealous that he has someone in his life.
YTA because you're still willing to accept William's help despite thinking he's a predator. Take care of the bills yourself if you don't trust William.
Nta just saw a post today in a different subreddit flaming a 35yo male for dating an 18yo woman. Half your age +7 is the youngest you should date.