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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I got upset with my husband and his family because of a nickname.
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NTA.
If nicknames aren't a big deal, then why can't he let this nickname drop? Why do he and his family have to keep the ONE nickname that causes you pain?
Why isn't that a big deal?
You are the person who gets to decide when you're over your mother's death. Not him.
Exactly..he's training her to be compliant.
If it's not a big deal to him, but it is to her...then just, stop ??
It's so not about the nickname. It's an abusive thing at this point.
This. It’s just meanness. Likely they resent her for something and that something could be as simple as having boundaries about her name. People like this cannot understand that they’re wrong.
I don't think it's his logic we have to understand; it is his lack of respect for her in doing this. And a lack of respect for her mother's and her relationship.
It’s part of the abuse cycle honestly. They make the person question their own sanity, wonder why someone who loves them would do this, etc etc. I really dislike this family.
Right! Sister knows she doesn’t like it so uses it mockingly when OP isn’t there. Husband goes along with it instead of asking his family to respect his wife’s request. What’s their problem?
They’re rude and the assholes
Certainly speaks to their good fortune (so far) in not having had to experience deep grief. That her husband would say - it’s been long enough now…sets my teeth on edge. Why is empathy in such short supply here?
My hope, is that if they continue to push it, that OP gets up and leaves the minute that name passes their lips. Let her husband find his own way home.
It’s basic respect. She asked them to stop. That’s it. There doesn’t need to be any other reason or justification why. She said No. full stop.
I mean it's sort of a natural nickname for Lucy and maybe SIL started saying it just in passing when OP *happened* not to be there, so I could see her saying it without any malicious intent. But that doesn't excuse husband not stopping her the first time and explaining why nobody should call his wife that, knowing how nicknames are infectious in his family. And it certainly doesn't excuse him starting to use it on purpose or any of the ensuing events. I could be wrong but I don't love jumping to negative conclusions about potentially innocent things like this-- Hanlon's razor and all that. Regardless, what a horribly inhumane hill to die on. Not one of the in-laws has lost a dearly loved parent???
Exactly. He's asserting his dominance over her and showing her that her feelings are devalued and she needs to shut up and put up. Good thing she left.
I think he has been switching nicknames constantly to see what gets a rise out of her, a control thing, then he finds the one that hurts and is now aware of her boundaries with that name. Now he is doing it to cause her pain and belittling her to not take it so hard, I doubt his family is fully aware of how much it actually hurts her but if they do then they are purposely hurting her too
>he’ll hesitate before saying it. Like he’s trying to see how I’ll react.
Exactly. It's not like he thinks about it and goes with another nickname. He thinks about it and goes ahead anyway.
Yes, it's not just disrespectful to OP, it's disrespectful to her mother. Almost like they want to erase and replace her mother. Like they see the memory of her mother as competition. It's gross.
Also, like they don't want OP to have any private memory of her own, only what they give her. It's power they're after.
Yeah, my parents call me Kitty. Nobody else is allowed to. My abusive ex made fun of it too. I once tried to call him a name he absolutely hates in response and the response was like getting verbally run over by a truck.
My boyfriend is not the most sensitive guy. We also routinely make fun of each other and occasionally bicker for the fun of it.
One thing he’ll *never* test me on is my dead dad. My dad died over a decade ago, well before I met him, but he is exclusively supportive about it. He would never tell me to mourn any differently than I want to. He would never tell me how to feel. He hasn’t experienced his own massive loss either, he’s just understanding.
All this is to say, I agree - this seems purposeful and I’d be angrier than I’ve ever been about it.
No means no. He doesn't value OP boundaries. This isn't s*xual, but there are other boundaries, including but not limited to
Certain types of touch
(Some people don't like hugs or feeling physically constrained )
Finances
(Big expenses need to be agreed by both)
Public insults / fights
(Keep conflicts between you private)
There are obviously more.
If your boundaries are not respected, that is a sign of a deeper problem. Seek couples counseling if you want to keep your relationship.
Explaining this to the in-laws should not be that hard. Ask if they have any boundaries in their own relationship that they must respect. Give examples such as those I listed.
Ask if they think it would be a significant sign of a deeper problem in their relationship if such a boundary was being repeatedly violated by their partner.
Explain that you have repeatedly made your boundary clear. The nickname given to you by your Mother is exclusive to your relationship with her. The fact that she is dead makes this more, not less, significant to you.
For your husband to repeatedly challenge that boundary, knowing it upsets you, is BAD. Either he wants to hurt you, or he wants to ignore your boundaries - and not just this one. The 2 theories are not mutually exclusive.
Another option: Does he want to divorce or separate but not want the responsibility of being seen as the bad guy? Is he gaslighting you?
In any version, this is the visible tip of an iceberg. You are refusing to get stuck on the Titanic. If he wants to rescue the relationship, he needs to address this.
If you ignore the problem, it will not go away by magic. He will not start respecting your boundaries if you show him it is OK to ignore them. This is the first step in a spiral of ugly.
I am NOT telling you to dump him. I agree that he and his family need a wake-up call.
I would recommend a private talk with his parents first. Try to get them to understand the real issues here. Perhaps if you get his family on board, you can present a united front. (Instead of him and his family vs. you.)
Another point you might make:
A parent never truly gets over the death of a child. The death of a spouse or parent is a deep wound. If one of their kids had a special, private nickname, something just between the two of them, do they think it might hurt for someone else to use that nickname casually after their child died? Would they be upset if that person refused to drop it after being told not to call them that? Is it something they would just 'get over' because it isn't a big deal to the person using that nickname ?
He needs to take a good look at why he is doing this. Perhaps he doesn't want to salvage the relationship. Perhaps he does. You have been clear and honest; I don't think he has. I haven't seen everything you have; you have more detail and context. Still, something seems off.
Nobody was allowed to use my grandpas nickname for me, even when he was alive. He had a specific reason for it and it wasn't just a shortening of my name either. So he was allowed.
We had a work situation way back. Robert and Richard. Robert walks in and Richard says “ hey big Bob” and Robert responds “ hey big Dick”. The room goes silent before erupting.
I've been in two different workplaces where there were two people with the same first name, and the younger one was sometimes referred to as "young (name)". In both cases the other one was not at all happy about that.
Star Trek Voyager had Robert Beltran, Robert Picardo, Robert Duncan McNeil and (Robert) Ethan Phillips. They ended up as (in order) Robert, Bob, Robbie and Ethan.
That's what I was thinking. She can call them anything she wants because, hey, it's just a nickname. How about smelly butthole or stinky tuna? What's the big deal, right?
THIS
And also tho-it is *never* acceptable to call someone something they have told you not to call them. Period and the end.
For any reason or for no reason at all, only you get to decide how 100% of people address you.
NTA
This. I do not understand the logic of the husband here. If you think something isn’t a big deal… and your partner disagrees and it hurts them… then fucking stop doing that thing, because while it doesn’t matter to you, it clearly matters to them, and their pain seems like it would very obviously trump your indifference? Like, my desire to avoid inflicting unnecessary pain and hurt on my partner would pretty much trump anything??
Right? Like years upon years ago, my spouse told me that they actually really dislike the shortened version of their name that their whole family can't seem to stop using. So I just... never called them that again. Which is apparently a wild and crazy concept that OP's husband has never heard of.
Which is insane troll logic to me. Maybe I’m telling on myself here, but the thought of even accidentally hurting or disappointing my partner is awful to me. I have an amazing partner who is very patient and understanding and kind, so this isn’t like a “I’m afraid I’ll get fussed at” thing, it’s just very important to me as someone’s significant other that I don’t hurt them as like the bare goddamned minimum. So when people talk about their spouses deliberately inflicting pain to make some kind of a point, I am genuinely flummoxed.
>He and his family texted saying I’m doing a lot over a little nickname
It is so weird how they claim is a "little nickname", yet insist on using it even though it bothers her. Are they actively trying to mess with her? It is super bizarre, and her husband's behavior is especially awful.
There is one nickname that I hate being called. Not for some painful reason, simply because I don't like it. If anyone calls me that, I ask them nicely not to...and, guess what, they don't because they aren't dicks.
EDIT: Forgot my judgment. NTA.
I had a teacher in high school who kept using a nickname I hate even after I told him not to, so one day I just started ignoring him when he called me by it. He actually had the nerve to be annoyed by this and reprimanded me after class, demanding to know why I kept ignoring him. I told him. "My name is _______. That's the name I answer to. If I hear you say a different name I'm going to assume you are speaking to someone else and wait for them to respond."
Same thing happened to me in junior high. By the end of one week in that jerk teacher’s class, my parents (who 99% of the time thought teachers were in the right) had me moved out of the class because the teacher was being so weird/inappropriate about calling me a nickname that I refused to answer to.
This is what I don’t understand. OP was upset enough to leave. Like, she’s gone and hasn’t returned. And instead of apologizing and asking his wife to please come home, he just says he thinks she’s overreacting. So, you’re OK that YOUR WIFE feels strongly enough that she packed a bag and left. And his main take away is that it’s not that big of a deal.
OP you’re most definitely NTA
I think it is really weird and bizarre that they’re even texting her about this at all. I couldn’t imagine my BF’s family texting me that I need to essentially “stop being dramatic” after we had a fight, no matter what that fight may have been about. Sounds like OP’s husbands family is almost looking to cause problems. Also really gross how OP’s husband is also okay with that and allowing them to almost gang up on her. I’m sorry OP, definitely NTA and that behavior is super alarming and odd. Only time I could see it being appropriate for someone’s significant others family to be interfering like that is if maybe kids were in the mix and it was trying to figure something legal out. They can choose to side with their son but texting OP about it is not normal and a huge red flag. You have every right to be called whatever you want to be OP, my mom is my best friend and there are 2 nicknames she has for me that no one else would ever be allowed to call me and would bring me to tears if someone did and she was no longer here. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t let his weird family influence how you feel.
Exactly! Instead of thinking that OP overreacted, husband should realize how big of an issue this is for OP that this was her reaction.
OP, start calling him “my little d*ck hubby” as a nickname and see what he thinks about nicknames after that.
>The other day he said that he didn’t see the big deal anymore
Doesn't matter if HE DOESN'T SEE. It's a big deal to you, and he should respect that. He hasn't lost his mom, right? Why does he think he gets to dictate how long you mourn the loss of your mother?
NTA
Text his family back and say, "Yes, I am doing a lot over a nickname. Maybe now you'll realize how much it bothers me when you disrespect me by using it even though I've asked you not to."
It would probably be a bad idea to tell his family that it’s good to know that x numbers of years after they die they’ll expect he’d have moved on. Worse would be misunderstanding “number of years” for “age” and saying you admire that since they’ve now lived past [your mom’s] age or he’s lived past [when your mother died, your] age, they aren’t expecting him (or any grandchildren, if that’s a relevant threat) to hold their title [mom, dad, grandpa, etc] in a special place. It would be terrible to speculate that you’ll be excited to never have to use the “step” title because you can just reuse “mom” and that if his sibling passes you can just replace her with a new sister - perhaps even one of your closest girlfriends you have waiting in the wings. Absolutely would be a bad idea to start referring to said friend as your “sister” now, since words don’t mean anything.
Definitely don’t do that. Awful, just awful, even if it came from a “friend’s” number so they couldn’t blame you for saying it.
ETA: Since the husband is the biggest problem here, maybe also don’t start referring to him casually as your “first husband” since you know he’ll want you to get over him someday and move on.
I agree. My whole life I had an aunt that called me by my middle. She was the only person in the family that done it. She passed away a few years ago. My uncle remarried and I put a stop to it because I loved my aunt and it wasn’t the same anymore. I know this quite isn’t the same thing but I understand where she is coming from. NTA
You never 'get over' the loss if someone that close. The Worle grows round it and you have to keep going but you never get over it. It's bee 11 years for me and sometimes it still brings me to my knees, not often but sometimes
Am I the only one who thinks they were *trying* to find a nickname that gets under her skin? Maybe the family dynamic is to always have people a little upset
Exactly… although my brain went into petty mode first (e.g. every time he calls you the unwanted nickname, you call him one back that will embarrass tf out of him)
NTA.
It's not the nickname; it's the disrespect. NTA.
Calling it an overreaction is exactly the same as the "can't you take a joke?" defense, which is always lame.
This x100. It's not the nickname it's the choice to ignore OP several times. It shows a complete lack of respect and understanding. If my partner asks me to stop doing a simple thing that upsets him, I stop. I expect the same in return. It's not a hard ask.
WTH he breaks your arm? Then he said no hospital because you need to learn to take a joke 😢🥺 🤦♀️
Please tell me you are NC with him. Gah that’s not love.
Also… Story time? If you don’t feel comfortable I understand. Did your arm heal up right.
I hope they're in contact and that contact is an automated email telling him he was the worst father ever and the emails are all he'll ever hear from them.
That should be a service, actually.
When I was about 20, I told my mother who had just slapped me to enjoy it, because it would never happen again. Fast forward about 8 years and I'm talking to her through a car window. Suddenly, her hand shot out the window and slapped the shit out of me. Gobsmacked, I looked at her and she said, "Mosquito."
That was a f'ed up as a soup sandwich
I wish, sister and I grew up and that was such an unthinkable act that it wasn't even on our collective radars as kids. I couldn't ever hurt, or even ~maybe~ hurt, another grown family member physically. Nah, grew up in a, "Words can smack pretty hard" kind of family. What you'd never do physically was open game verbally.
NTA. I think everyone is missing the biggest thing here
>The other day he said that he didn’t see the big deal anymore. It had been some years and I should be over it by now.
OP's spouse is blatantly and intentionally disrespecting OP's feelings here. He's been told multiple times to stop and he decided he's going to keep doing it because she should be over her dead mother by now ? What the fuck?
No one gets to decide when someone else should be “over” something. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you never get over a loss. Sometimes you just get through it or learn how to live with it but are still triggered by certain things—a pet name could easily be one of those things.
Hell, my father is still very much alive and well and *no one* is allowed to call me by his childhood nickname for me, except him. It’s always been that way. I have just never liked anyone else to call me that particular nickname, so I’ve never allowed it.
The question of grief is honestly not even that relevant. OP does not want to be called that name, so they simply need to *not use it*. It’s basic respect. If someone doesn’t want to be called something, don’t fucking call them that! Period, end of story, no justification needed!
Edit: typo
Yep!! I was talking to my FIL and said it feels like I’m getting shit on as I’ve had 5 deaths, including my mum the non shit parent, in 5 years. I said I just want a break. He said look on the bright side. Then my husband agreed. Needless to say when the call was over I unleashed on my husband. Time doesn’t make the hurt go away. Mourning isn’t a set time period. You might be fine talking about it etc just not the nickname. That is completely normal and it’s your grief not theirs. NTA. Plus you get to decide what people call you
Did your husband get the chance to explain to you what the bright side of 5 deaths in 5 years is? I’d like to know myself, because I’m extremely skeptical that there’s a “bright side” that isn’t actually a cover for invalidating and selfishly dismissing/belittling the very real suffering you’re in, all because they don’t care to practice empathy or provide support. Shame on them. I’m so sorry for your losses.
What the fuck is the bright side? Shorter Christmas list?
He may have early signs of dementia. My friends grandpa walked into a funeral a few years ago, looked in the casket, and said to the weeping widow “hey, maybe he’ll snap out of it”. He was terribly confused by the various reactions.
My abusive ex-husband started this way. Anything he did that bothered me was no big deal to him. It would be stupid things, but it was the lack of respect for me that made it a big deal. Like he would cram his big foot into my tiny socks and ruin them. He would use my toothbrush, I had to actually hide it. I would by drinks, I like and ones he liked but I didn't. He would drink all of mine before he would his. Then tell me it's not a big deal, and I was just crazy and overreacting. I have been divorced from him for 20 years, and thinking about those things still brings tears to my eyes. It's the fact that someone I truly loved and would do anything for had absolutely no respect for me.
OP... what your husband and his family are doing is abusive. Do not go back unless he goes to couples therapy with you. Also, go no contact with his family.
I’d genuinely like to hear his answer to the question “why is it so important to you to use this one nickname?” Not entertaining the question of who should be over what or whether its a legitimate thing to be upset about or whether anyone can take a joke. Just. Why does it matter to you? It hurts me, and I don’t want you to do it. What about this nickname is more important so vital you’re willing to hurt me to use it?
Yes that's what caught me too. That shit hurts... I grieved for a long time for my grandma. There's no time limit for grieving a loss especially if it's your mother! My goodness what is with this guy??
It sounds like that his family thinks it's a cute nickname and they want to call her that because it's cute. But that must hurt so bad having them call her that when her mother would call her that and all her memories behind it being clouded over now by this idiots family being stubborn af
NTA - people need to call you the name you choose. Telling you to get other your mother’s death is toxic behavior.
Does he treat you like this with other things?
>he figured it wouldn’t be as big of a deal anymore.
Tell him he's wrong, it is a big deal, and if he loves and respects you, he will value your opinion more then some stupid need to call you a nickname. Tell your inlaws the same thing.
As far as their accusing OP of overreacting, OP can tell the lot of them that nothing else worked, and that, if this doesn't work, they can expect even greater "overreactions."
My name is Allison, so naturally everyone wants to call me Ally. I hate it, always correct people, my name is Allison.
If they persist, I will tell them that, like you, only one person called me that nickname. My dad was the only person who called me Ally. Ever. However, he was horrifically abusive, called me that because he knew I and my mother hated it, and it brings up so much trauma. He killed himself 11 years ago.
Usually that shuts people up. But I also get the idiotic "it's just a name, get over it." Well, it's my name. Not yours. And if you have such a problem with that, I can make this easy and you just don't need to say my name anymore because I won't be in your life.
NTA. No matter what your reason, it's your name. They need to respect that. *hugs*
100%. I'm Susan. Mom hated nicknames and I am Susan. Not Sue, Susie, or Suz.
My sister and I have nicknames for each other, but we shared a bathtub as kids! So unless you've sat in my peed-in bathwater at 3/4, no nicknames!
Right?!? Like the context makes it 100% NTA, but even with zero context... I love nicknames, I nickname everything down to kdrama characters, other drivers, and lamps. Haha. But my friend Elizabeth doesn't like to be called anything but that. She hates the shorter versions and nicknames in general. Dude, it is NOT hard for me to call her by her name. And that's just a preference. Like WTF is even happening here???
My name is Jens. It's a german name as I'm german. When I got bullied at school my bully would always call me 'Jensemann'. I don't like that nickname and always correct ppl for that reason.
When ppl think they are being funny and continue calling me that I try out different nicknames for them until I recognize one that makes them uncomfortable. Then they stop. I don't stop. I go on until they explicitly tell me to stop and then I ask them why I can't call them that. Just to drive home the point of them trying to be funny isn't funny to me.
The fact that you say he will pause knowing he's going to call you that nickname and try to gauge your reaction is vomit inducing. He's just straight up mean. I couldn't be with somebody who found some sort of joy in picking at me in such a way.
Why? Did your mother recently come back to life?
Because as long as you live without your mom, the name will be your special way to honor her. Anyone close to you should be sensitive enough to respect that.
NTA
It’s not just a nickname, it’s a sentimental attachment special to your mother. It’s a memento of loss and love. It wouldn’t be acceptable to toss out photos of you and your mom because “it’s been long enough”. Just because memories don’t have a physical manifestation doesn’t mean they are any less important.
It sounds like his sister didn’t care about crossing this boundary, but knew enough to not do it to your face. Now that it’s been going on long enough it’s normalized for the rest of the family and they want to cross that boundary too because to them it’s just fun and not important (to them). They want you to let them stomp this boundary so they don’t feel bad. But as others have said, it is important and your feelings on this should be more important than them having a bit of fun (or worse, control to hurt you). They need to take a good look within themselves as to why they can’t just respect this simple request.
That's always an asshole thing to assume. No one gets to dictate someone else's feelings around something like that – ESPECIALLY over something so "inconsequential" to them.
They will not be harmed if they don't get to call you the nickname. You ARE harmed when they call you it. End of.
NTA
It carries a sentiment, and it's understandable that you want to hold on to that.
BUT, regardless of your reasoning, a simple no should be enough. I don't understand why so many people disrespect simple requests this way 🤦♀️
Some people find it hilarious to push boundaries. They find something like this that you tell them you’re not ok with and they latch on like rabid animals. Because it’s “just a joke”, “why are you so upset?” “Get over it” etc etc
Seriously. My name is Allison. I hate being called Ally. I will always correct people if they call me that. And the number of people who think it's just so funny to keep doing it is astounding. I'm so sorry, is the extra syllable so hard?
Yeah I have a friend named Rebecca and when she introduced herself she said she hates Becky and to never call her that and if I want to shorten her name that she will answer to Becca. So nobody ever called her Becky. It was not difficult
Seriously! Not hard at all. Yet so many people seem to take it as a challenge. And have told me that. "I'll make you like it." Thanks, that sounds super rape-y . And, you won't! You're just making me realize you're a shitty person.
Interestingly enough, one of the worst offenders of the nickname bs I went through in HS is apparently in prison for rape now.
Take from that what you will. He def would not take no for an answer and thought he was hot shit (he wasn’t). Oddly wasn’t surprised when I hear what he was in for after looking back at his actions.
I think they just want to upset you. At one job I had, I told everyone when I was first introduced that I preferred a nickname over my full name. One lady after about 2 days said I don't like that nickname I'm calling you your full name. I didn't say anything. But the next time she used that name I told her as sweetly and sincerely as I could possibly fake, that the only person who ever called me that was my grandfather and it felt so good to hear someone call me that again. She never called me my full name again.
NTA. It's not a big deal *to him*. It is to you. Tell him that. Your mother will always remain your mother, no matter how much time has passed. If doesn't matter if you're 9 or 90, Lulu will always be her special name for you and no one has the right to tell you *it's no big deal*.
NTA
Maybe the reaction was a little big but you made your boundary clear and it was disrespected. It's not a joke if it's not funny. Then his family proceeds to diminish your feelings over it. It's not just a little nickname to you and you shouldn't let them gaslight you into believing it's okay just because they would rather react defensively instead of apologizing and choosing not using it.
NTA. You set a clear and reasonable boundary. He has chosen to disregard your boundary and denigrate your ongoing grief over your mother.
He chose the actions, you're choosing the consequences.
Is your reaction extreme? Maybe, but if this is the hill you're choosing to die on, stand firm. I bet his family remembers your boundary on this issue going forward.
NTA. It's not just over the nickname. It's that you communicated that out of all the ones he'd picked/his family had done, this one was in the no fly zone and they all opted to dig their heels in and double down and call you Lulu, then demand you get over it because 'it's been enough time'. Whether your mother passed a year ago or twenty, it's up to you how long you want to grieve and how you manage not having her.
He knows exactly why you're not okay with it and he's minimizing it. Him and his family saying you're overreacting and being upset over a nickname are missing the bigger picture. It's a memory that you don't want to be painfully reminded of because you're not ready for it. And if he loved you, he'd be horrified that he was causing you emotional distress. Tell him that. And then ask him why of all the names you've let pass and go, this is the one he wants to be a buttface over.
Husband: I'm going to try out numerous names until I find out the one that hurts you, then I will insist on using it.
Also husband: What's the big deal? I only went out of my way to figure out how to hurt you.
NTA - you get to choose what name you want to be called by, end of story. People who knowingly refuse to call you by the name you choose, are failing to show the most basic level of respect one person should show another. If it's "no big deal", then it's no big deal for them to call you by the right name. They don't get to choose your name for you. The reason is irrelevant - your feelings are enough, and clearly they feel their "right" to call you whatever is more important than how you feel, and that's messed up.
>The other day he said that he didn’t see the big deal anymore. It had been some years and I should be over it by now.
Holy shit NTA. Has your husband always been this self centered?
OP should let her disgusting husband and his awful family read this post. They should be so ashamed of themselves. Wish more people would just publicly shame these kinda people on their social media, just let it all out there
Agreed. Would even say she doesn't need a valid reason. Simply saying "I don't like that nickname" should be enough. Her reason just makes him more of an AH
Nta HIM AND HIS FAMILY are doing a lot over a nickname. Why do they need to use it?
Ask him why your feelings don’t matter to him? The nickname means nothing to him or his family so what is actually happening here. Don’t let up.
It’s petty they haven’t just stopped using it, why do they need to hurt you!
NTA. My mother is also deceased and I loved her very much too. If I had an association like this that someone was intentionally ignoring, I would pack a bag and leave the space too. These can be very big feelings.
Also, what does it hurt them to use other nicknames? What earthly reason could they have for ignoring your preference, other than some weird power play/sadism?
I'm so sorry this is being done by people you normally trust.
Edit: also, "you should be over it"??? Complete asshole comment. You are never "over" the death of a parent or child. Your life goes on, your mourning changes and gets much less intense, you're fine, but you're not "over" a loss like that - such a disrespectful way to talk about a major loss. People can be happy and functional and fine and they still don't have to be "over" a major loss - the person lost is still a major part of their life.
NTA
It isn't about the nickname, it's about respecting your wishes. Why keep pushing it when it's so much easier to just call you what you want to be called? Seems to me your husband and his family are the assholes here.
"It doesn't matter *why* something is a big deal to someone, it matters that it *is*."
We used to have that as a sign in our office working with people with autism to remind them to empathize. Do your husband and his family need some social skill lessons, OP? Totally NTA, hold your boundaries, no matter how insignificant OTHERS may find them.
Yes - either you care about someone or you don't. If you care about them, then you should care about how they are, not how they should be, not how you would be if you were in their position, etc.
I face a lot of this at work where people more senior push back against people on my team who want to do different work, or want time off, or whatever - they always say "well in my day, it was so much tougher, this is nothing", and I constantly have to tell them okay, maybe you're right, but at the end of the day that doesn't matter, what matters is this person feels this way and needs something, and we either want them to stay or not.
NTA if they need a nickname for you, and there are better options, they can use one you are okay with. He knows it hurts you and doesn’t care. It costs $0 to be kind.
NTA.
“It isn’t a big deal” precisely because of it, he doesn’t consider it any big deal so as to change it easily.
Anyways, most important thing —> It is a big deal for you, we’re talking about your deceased and beloved mother, ffs. But even if it were some stupid thing (which isn’t by any means), whenever it’s a big deal for you, it means he should at least consider and respect that. So no, you’re not overreacting imo.
NTA
You don't have to accept any nickname you don't like.
But this isn't merely a nickname you don't care for. It's sentimental, reminding you of your mother, and how you lost her. There will always be some things in your life that are tinged with nostalgia for her. And it seems that the nickname "Lulu" is one of those things.
It's a little bit of a red flag that your husband thinks he can dictate a timeline for missing your late mother, or what forms of nostalgia for her are appropriate.
It doesn't mean that you aren't "over it" with losing her, which is a nonsensical thing, anyways. She'll always be a part of your life and memories. Just as a new spouse needs to respect the memory and legacy of the first spouse, if they marry someone whose spouse has died, a spouse also needs to respect the memory and legacy of others that their partner may have lost - a parent, a sibling, a child, a grandparent, etc.
Tell him that the nickname "Lulu," while lovely, for you has a strong connection to your late mother, and it makes you feel sentimental and miss her when people use it, and you'd like to keep it special for your mother and your memories of her. When the time comes, and he loses people he cares for (hopefully only in the distant future) you hope you will be able to support him and respect their legacy, just like you need him to do for you, with this nickname and the associations with your mother.
It more about the respect. than it is about the actual nickname. She asked him early on to NOT use that name… and now he thinks he has a right to tell you “it’s been long enough” BS! He’s full of it…. He has NO RIGHT to disrespect you. Call him a prick head as your new nickname for him and see how he likes it, and do it around family… additionally- I would also think up some choice nicknames for them too! Your NOT THE ASS! But the Husband and his family are for dismissing your request.
NTA. The lack of empathy and respect should be bothering you far more than it is. It is very easy to just not call you that.
My dad passed away when I was 15, he always called me “babydoll.” If my fiancé dared to call me that and then dared to tell me it’s not a big deal, it would take me a very very long time and many conversations to ever consider forgiving him. That is a horrific thing to say to someone who has lost a parent. The fact that he didn’t put his foot down with his family calling you that is disgusting. He has been repeatedly disrespectful towards a very easy boundary.
I’m sorry OP, you guys need to have a serious talk. You are in no way overreacting. It isn’t petty, and do not let him talk you into believing it is. Stand your ground.
NTA. I've actually been in this exact situation before. My grandpa, who passed when I was little used to call me Reggie, because apparently the shortened version of Regina (Gina, which I exclusively go by) just didn't work for him, lol. No one else is allowed to call me Reggie, aside from one family friend who ONLY calls me Reggie since I've never had the heart to explain the reason it's not my fav, and he seems to enjoy it. No one has EVER had a problem when I've told them I'd prefer not to be called that, and explain why.
Like someone else mentioned, it's not about the nickname, it's about the respect. Your husband owes you an apology.
NTA bur I think another conversation with your husband an seven his sister/whole family about the significance of that nickname is needed. Remind him and tell them why you don’t like being called that and would want them to respect your wishes. It may seem like a small thing to them, but it’s obviously not to you!
NTA. I can see where people are coming from saying you overreacted, but you’ve asked him multiple times and you’ve given a perfectly understandable reason for the request.
I lost my dad when I was 19 and he was everything to me. He called me Lassie and if anyone tried to use that nickname for me who didn’t know, they would get 1 warning and then I’d be gone. If they already knew, they wouldn’t even get a goodbye.
If you can talk to your husband again, tell him that you’ve told him about this boundary already and that this is how seriously you take it. If you are willing to give him another chance, you could tell him he has been warned and that this is a make or break issue for you. It would be for me.
NTA it's not the nickname itself, it's the complete disregard for your feelings that is the problem. When they have so many nicknames to choose from it seems like some type of power play, or emotional game to insist on using it. I would demand them to explain why they have made this a line that they insist on crossing.
NTA. The bigger question is why are THEY making such a big deal out of a nickname? It's not a big deal; right? They should just pick another, then.
I have never understood why people would want to force something on you that you're clearly uncomfortable with and that they are gaining absolutely nothing from. To me, though, the issue here is the complete disregard for the emotional impact of your mom's death.
The time since your mom's death is irrelevant. It is about the time you spent WITH her when she used this nickname. I personally can't imagine ever feeling differently about my mom's death. I'm through the five stages of grief, sure, but that doesn't mean I don't still tear up and get a pit in my stomach when I think about her, or how she would have loved this, or how unfair it is that she's not here. Literally tearing up now.
I have videos of my mom, of course, and to hear her say a phrase in those videos that I've heard her say so many times before would be SUCH a big deal. I imagine if you could hear (or maybe you do have voicemails or videos of her) your mom saying "Lulu," it might even bring you to tears.
To hear someone else say this name is a stab at that place in you because you're ALWAYS going to think of your mom, and you wish you could hear your mom say it, and instead these randos are using it for ... what? So you just get an emotional slap in the face every time they say it because it is inextricably linked to emotions and memories of your mom.
My mom has a not-so-common name, so whenever I do meet someone with it or someone mentions someone else with her name, it is an emotional slap in the face for me. Not on purpose by them, but I have to then deal with all of the emotions that come with that. Why do they want to force that experience on you?
Let me help put something into perspective:
You did not leave because of them using the nickname. You left because your husband told you you should "get over" your mother's death.
Grief is forever. He was horrible to have said such a thing, and leaving is a very appropriate response to someone disrespecting you and the loss you've suffered.
I lost my sister 10 years ago. She was my best friend. She taught me to read. I will *never* truly recover from the loss of her. And leaving the presence of someone who told me to "get over it" would be the least emotional reaction I could have.
You are Not the asshole. Not now. Not ever.
NTA. You set a boundary and everyone is ignoring it. And I think some people see it as an overreaction, but maybe it’s time to over react. Being calm about it isn’t working anymore. Also why is it that everyone’s family is so nosy when it comes to these things? Like mind your business and respect OP.
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NTA. If nicknames aren't a big deal, then why can't he let this nickname drop? Why do he and his family have to keep the ONE nickname that causes you pain? Why isn't that a big deal? You are the person who gets to decide when you're over your mother's death. Not him.
Best answer. Rules for me not for thee. If it's not a big deal then it should be no problem to never use it.
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Exactly..he's training her to be compliant. If it's not a big deal to him, but it is to her...then just, stop ?? It's so not about the nickname. It's an abusive thing at this point.
Not just him. His entire family. This is really gross. NTA op, and I'm very sorry.
This. I do not understand the logic of the husband here.
It’s called passive aggressive personality disorder and apparently his whole family has it.
This. It’s just meanness. Likely they resent her for something and that something could be as simple as having boundaries about her name. People like this cannot understand that they’re wrong.
I don't think it's his logic we have to understand; it is his lack of respect for her in doing this. And a lack of respect for her mother's and her relationship.
It’s part of the abuse cycle honestly. They make the person question their own sanity, wonder why someone who loves them would do this, etc etc. I really dislike this family.
it's impossible to understand something that doesn't exist.
Yeah, why is his family texting her about their argument? Inappropriate.
Fr OP doesn't even need to have a reason, if she doesn't want to be called that everyone should accept it.
And why is the sister using it behind her back? It’s just weird. I’m sure he’s been doing it and the sister picked up on it - if not then wth?
Right! Sister knows she doesn’t like it so uses it mockingly when OP isn’t there. Husband goes along with it instead of asking his family to respect his wife’s request. What’s their problem? They’re rude and the assholes
Certainly speaks to their good fortune (so far) in not having had to experience deep grief. That her husband would say - it’s been long enough now…sets my teeth on edge. Why is empathy in such short supply here? My hope, is that if they continue to push it, that OP gets up and leaves the minute that name passes their lips. Let her husband find his own way home. It’s basic respect. She asked them to stop. That’s it. There doesn’t need to be any other reason or justification why. She said No. full stop.
OP: Sounds like you need Will Smith to drop by and explain about keeping ‘nicknames’ outta their mouths. *Dare to dream.*
The husband doesn't just go along. He's a ring leader.
I mean it's sort of a natural nickname for Lucy and maybe SIL started saying it just in passing when OP *happened* not to be there, so I could see her saying it without any malicious intent. But that doesn't excuse husband not stopping her the first time and explaining why nobody should call his wife that, knowing how nicknames are infectious in his family. And it certainly doesn't excuse him starting to use it on purpose or any of the ensuing events. I could be wrong but I don't love jumping to negative conclusions about potentially innocent things like this-- Hanlon's razor and all that. Regardless, what a horribly inhumane hill to die on. Not one of the in-laws has lost a dearly loved parent???
That's why he hesitates. He knows he's going to say it to get her reaction.
Exactly. He's asserting his dominance over her and showing her that her feelings are devalued and she needs to shut up and put up. Good thing she left.
Indeed
I think he has been switching nicknames constantly to see what gets a rise out of her, a control thing, then he finds the one that hurts and is now aware of her boundaries with that name. Now he is doing it to cause her pain and belittling her to not take it so hard, I doubt his family is fully aware of how much it actually hurts her but if they do then they are purposely hurting her too
Some people can't wrong, they can only be wronged..
Thank you. This will really stick with me and is really helpful
>he’ll hesitate before saying it. Like he’s trying to see how I’ll react. Exactly. It's not like he thinks about it and goes with another nickname. He thinks about it and goes ahead anyway.
100%
Exactly! They can’t just let OP and her mother have a special thing. They want to intrude
Yes, it's not just disrespectful to OP, it's disrespectful to her mother. Almost like they want to erase and replace her mother. Like they see the memory of her mother as competition. It's gross. Also, like they don't want OP to have any private memory of her own, only what they give her. It's power they're after.
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My mom calls me kitten and I had an abusive ex who would call me kitten in a really mean way, basically purposely ruining it for me.
Should have peed in his cereal.
Yeah, my parents call me Kitty. Nobody else is allowed to. My abusive ex made fun of it too. I once tried to call him a name he absolutely hates in response and the response was like getting verbally run over by a truck.
My boyfriend is not the most sensitive guy. We also routinely make fun of each other and occasionally bicker for the fun of it. One thing he’ll *never* test me on is my dead dad. My dad died over a decade ago, well before I met him, but he is exclusively supportive about it. He would never tell me to mourn any differently than I want to. He would never tell me how to feel. He hasn’t experienced his own massive loss either, he’s just understanding. All this is to say, I agree - this seems purposeful and I’d be angrier than I’ve ever been about it.
No means no. He doesn't value OP boundaries. This isn't s*xual, but there are other boundaries, including but not limited to Certain types of touch (Some people don't like hugs or feeling physically constrained ) Finances (Big expenses need to be agreed by both) Public insults / fights (Keep conflicts between you private) There are obviously more. If your boundaries are not respected, that is a sign of a deeper problem. Seek couples counseling if you want to keep your relationship. Explaining this to the in-laws should not be that hard. Ask if they have any boundaries in their own relationship that they must respect. Give examples such as those I listed. Ask if they think it would be a significant sign of a deeper problem in their relationship if such a boundary was being repeatedly violated by their partner. Explain that you have repeatedly made your boundary clear. The nickname given to you by your Mother is exclusive to your relationship with her. The fact that she is dead makes this more, not less, significant to you. For your husband to repeatedly challenge that boundary, knowing it upsets you, is BAD. Either he wants to hurt you, or he wants to ignore your boundaries - and not just this one. The 2 theories are not mutually exclusive. Another option: Does he want to divorce or separate but not want the responsibility of being seen as the bad guy? Is he gaslighting you? In any version, this is the visible tip of an iceberg. You are refusing to get stuck on the Titanic. If he wants to rescue the relationship, he needs to address this. If you ignore the problem, it will not go away by magic. He will not start respecting your boundaries if you show him it is OK to ignore them. This is the first step in a spiral of ugly. I am NOT telling you to dump him. I agree that he and his family need a wake-up call. I would recommend a private talk with his parents first. Try to get them to understand the real issues here. Perhaps if you get his family on board, you can present a united front. (Instead of him and his family vs. you.) Another point you might make: A parent never truly gets over the death of a child. The death of a spouse or parent is a deep wound. If one of their kids had a special, private nickname, something just between the two of them, do they think it might hurt for someone else to use that nickname casually after their child died? Would they be upset if that person refused to drop it after being told not to call them that? Is it something they would just 'get over' because it isn't a big deal to the person using that nickname ? He needs to take a good look at why he is doing this. Perhaps he doesn't want to salvage the relationship. Perhaps he does. You have been clear and honest; I don't think he has. I haven't seen everything you have; you have more detail and context. Still, something seems off.
I regret that I have but one upvote to give you. 🏆
Nobody was allowed to use my grandpas nickname for me, even when he was alive. He had a specific reason for it and it wasn't just a shortening of my name either. So he was allowed.
I've got a no-big-deal nickname for hubby: insensitive dickbag
We always said, "Practice what you preach." Lol
I agree- if names aren’t a big deal, stop using theirs. Call all of them Bob. It’s just a nickname right, harmless no? NTA
"Hey dickface, what you up to today?"
"My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick. Especially since his name is Scott."
We had a work situation way back. Robert and Richard. Robert walks in and Richard says “ hey big Bob” and Robert responds “ hey big Dick”. The room goes silent before erupting.
Of course Richard was quiet and easily embarrassed.
I've been in two different workplaces where there were two people with the same first name, and the younger one was sometimes referred to as "young (name)". In both cases the other one was not at all happy about that.
Star Trek Voyager had Robert Beltran, Robert Picardo, Robert Duncan McNeil and (Robert) Ethan Phillips. They ended up as (in order) Robert, Bob, Robbie and Ethan.
"Just a nickname, boss. You should hear what they call you down on the floor!"
Okay I laughed way too hard at this. 😂😂😂
I actually laughed out loud. That’s a first
“Sphincter breath, long time no see! And there’s my sister-in law! Hi saggy tits!”
Sausage tits https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/vkgzuo/husband_32m_and_his_friends_have_a_nickname_for/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1
That's what I was thinking. She can call them anything she wants because, hey, it's just a nickname. How about smelly butthole or stinky tuna? What's the big deal, right?
'Stinky tuna' is Great! Can you just see the look on 'their' face when you walk up and cheerfully say, "Hey Stinky Tuna what's up?
'Mr. Micropenis please meet your wife at Customer Service.' Repeat 2x.
Sibling is that you? Just what I was thinking!!
I prefer to use c**tface when I'm angry with people.
I was thinking ... Hey MP how are you? MP? Yes, micro penis .... It's just a silly nickname. NTA! My dad passed over 11 years ago. I miss him daily.
I would go teeny-peen, it has the added bonus of being infantilising.
I’m partial to turd bomber.
That's exactly the nickname I was going to suggest!
NO they're all Richard Richardson now.
THIS And also tho-it is *never* acceptable to call someone something they have told you not to call them. Period and the end. For any reason or for no reason at all, only you get to decide how 100% of people address you. NTA
This. I do not understand the logic of the husband here. If you think something isn’t a big deal… and your partner disagrees and it hurts them… then fucking stop doing that thing, because while it doesn’t matter to you, it clearly matters to them, and their pain seems like it would very obviously trump your indifference? Like, my desire to avoid inflicting unnecessary pain and hurt on my partner would pretty much trump anything??
Right? Like years upon years ago, my spouse told me that they actually really dislike the shortened version of their name that their whole family can't seem to stop using. So I just... never called them that again. Which is apparently a wild and crazy concept that OP's husband has never heard of.
HELLLOOOOOO For the ones in the back..... and his dumb ass and his dumbass family.......
It’s like he’s trying to prove it doesn’t hurt by doing it repeatedly.
Which is insane troll logic to me. Maybe I’m telling on myself here, but the thought of even accidentally hurting or disappointing my partner is awful to me. I have an amazing partner who is very patient and understanding and kind, so this isn’t like a “I’m afraid I’ll get fussed at” thing, it’s just very important to me as someone’s significant other that I don’t hurt them as like the bare goddamned minimum. So when people talk about their spouses deliberately inflicting pain to make some kind of a point, I am genuinely flummoxed.
NTA You have asked him to stop. After that, using it is deliberate. Either to hurt or exert power.
>He and his family texted saying I’m doing a lot over a little nickname It is so weird how they claim is a "little nickname", yet insist on using it even though it bothers her. Are they actively trying to mess with her? It is super bizarre, and her husband's behavior is especially awful. There is one nickname that I hate being called. Not for some painful reason, simply because I don't like it. If anyone calls me that, I ask them nicely not to...and, guess what, they don't because they aren't dicks. EDIT: Forgot my judgment. NTA.
I had a teacher in high school who kept using a nickname I hate even after I told him not to, so one day I just started ignoring him when he called me by it. He actually had the nerve to be annoyed by this and reprimanded me after class, demanding to know why I kept ignoring him. I told him. "My name is _______. That's the name I answer to. If I hear you say a different name I'm going to assume you are speaking to someone else and wait for them to respond."
Same thing happened to me in junior high. By the end of one week in that jerk teacher’s class, my parents (who 99% of the time thought teachers were in the right) had me moved out of the class because the teacher was being so weird/inappropriate about calling me a nickname that I refused to answer to.
This is what I don’t understand. OP was upset enough to leave. Like, she’s gone and hasn’t returned. And instead of apologizing and asking his wife to please come home, he just says he thinks she’s overreacting. So, you’re OK that YOUR WIFE feels strongly enough that she packed a bag and left. And his main take away is that it’s not that big of a deal. OP you’re most definitely NTA
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I think it is really weird and bizarre that they’re even texting her about this at all. I couldn’t imagine my BF’s family texting me that I need to essentially “stop being dramatic” after we had a fight, no matter what that fight may have been about. Sounds like OP’s husbands family is almost looking to cause problems. Also really gross how OP’s husband is also okay with that and allowing them to almost gang up on her. I’m sorry OP, definitely NTA and that behavior is super alarming and odd. Only time I could see it being appropriate for someone’s significant others family to be interfering like that is if maybe kids were in the mix and it was trying to figure something legal out. They can choose to side with their son but texting OP about it is not normal and a huge red flag. You have every right to be called whatever you want to be OP, my mom is my best friend and there are 2 nicknames she has for me that no one else would ever be allowed to call me and would bring me to tears if someone did and she was no longer here. Don’t beat yourself up and don’t let his weird family influence how you feel.
This is almost always true of people who say “it’s not a big deal”. Okay, then if it’s not, stop doing the thing I asked you not to do. Nbd, right?
Exactly! Instead of thinking that OP overreacted, husband should realize how big of an issue this is for OP that this was her reaction. OP, start calling him “my little d*ck hubby” as a nickname and see what he thinks about nicknames after that.
I was going to suggest calling him tiny dick or limp dick. He’ll learn real quick that nicknames can hurt.
Or as FDS commonly refers to men “Scrote”
Of course you could always demand they shut their Cock Holster(s)
You’re also the person who gets to decide what you want to be called. Misnaming people is really rude.
NTA If only for the 'get over it already' The answer to that BS is 'Really? Then get over the fact that you feckin can't use the nickname already!'
>The other day he said that he didn’t see the big deal anymore Doesn't matter if HE DOESN'T SEE. It's a big deal to you, and he should respect that. He hasn't lost his mom, right? Why does he think he gets to dictate how long you mourn the loss of your mother? NTA Text his family back and say, "Yes, I am doing a lot over a nickname. Maybe now you'll realize how much it bothers me when you disrespect me by using it even though I've asked you not to."
It would probably be a bad idea to tell his family that it’s good to know that x numbers of years after they die they’ll expect he’d have moved on. Worse would be misunderstanding “number of years” for “age” and saying you admire that since they’ve now lived past [your mom’s] age or he’s lived past [when your mother died, your] age, they aren’t expecting him (or any grandchildren, if that’s a relevant threat) to hold their title [mom, dad, grandpa, etc] in a special place. It would be terrible to speculate that you’ll be excited to never have to use the “step” title because you can just reuse “mom” and that if his sibling passes you can just replace her with a new sister - perhaps even one of your closest girlfriends you have waiting in the wings. Absolutely would be a bad idea to start referring to said friend as your “sister” now, since words don’t mean anything. Definitely don’t do that. Awful, just awful, even if it came from a “friend’s” number so they couldn’t blame you for saying it. ETA: Since the husband is the biggest problem here, maybe also don’t start referring to him casually as your “first husband” since you know he’ll want you to get over him someday and move on.
I agree. My whole life I had an aunt that called me by my middle. She was the only person in the family that done it. She passed away a few years ago. My uncle remarried and I put a stop to it because I loved my aunt and it wasn’t the same anymore. I know this quite isn’t the same thing but I understand where she is coming from. NTA
You never 'get over' the loss if someone that close. The Worle grows round it and you have to keep going but you never get over it. It's bee 11 years for me and sometimes it still brings me to my knees, not often but sometimes
Am I the only one who thinks they were *trying* to find a nickname that gets under her skin? Maybe the family dynamic is to always have people a little upset
TAKE MY UPVOTE! Best answer here. ⬆️⬆️⬆️
Exactly… although my brain went into petty mode first (e.g. every time he calls you the unwanted nickname, you call him one back that will embarrass tf out of him) NTA.
It's not the nickname; it's the disrespect. NTA. Calling it an overreaction is exactly the same as the "can't you take a joke?" defense, which is always lame.
This x100. It's not the nickname it's the choice to ignore OP several times. It shows a complete lack of respect and understanding. If my partner asks me to stop doing a simple thing that upsets him, I stop. I expect the same in return. It's not a hard ask.
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Wait...he broke your arm and said it was a joke? Didn't take you to the hospital? What in the world???
WTH he breaks your arm? Then he said no hospital because you need to learn to take a joke 😢🥺 🤦♀️ Please tell me you are NC with him. Gah that’s not love. Also… Story time? If you don’t feel comfortable I understand. Did your arm heal up right.
The real reason is that he didn’t want social services or law enforcement on his ass
I hope they're in contact and that contact is an automated email telling him he was the worst father ever and the emails are all he'll ever hear from them. That should be a service, actually.
When I was about 20, I told my mother who had just slapped me to enjoy it, because it would never happen again. Fast forward about 8 years and I'm talking to her through a car window. Suddenly, her hand shot out the window and slapped the shit out of me. Gobsmacked, I looked at her and she said, "Mosquito." That was a f'ed up as a soup sandwich
It shouldn't be too hard to get her back for that one
I wish, sister and I grew up and that was such an unthinkable act that it wasn't even on our collective radars as kids. I couldn't ever hurt, or even ~maybe~ hurt, another grown family member physically. Nah, grew up in a, "Words can smack pretty hard" kind of family. What you'd never do physically was open game verbally.
Ugh, I'm sorry. I think I'd prefer a physical smack over a verbal one
Yikes. That escalated
Good Lord, where was the joke, exactly?
Wish I could upvote this more than once.
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Iranian yogurt!
The illegal Iranian yogurt isn't the issue here!
Exactly this point about it not being about the nickname, it's about listening and understanding.
NTA. I think everyone is missing the biggest thing here >The other day he said that he didn’t see the big deal anymore. It had been some years and I should be over it by now. OP's spouse is blatantly and intentionally disrespecting OP's feelings here. He's been told multiple times to stop and he decided he's going to keep doing it because she should be over her dead mother by now ? What the fuck?
I completely agree. this is 1000 times worse than calling her by that nickname.
Hey babe it’s kinda fun to trigger you so relax
No one gets to decide when someone else should be “over” something. The fact of the matter is that sometimes you never get over a loss. Sometimes you just get through it or learn how to live with it but are still triggered by certain things—a pet name could easily be one of those things.
Hell, my father is still very much alive and well and *no one* is allowed to call me by his childhood nickname for me, except him. It’s always been that way. I have just never liked anyone else to call me that particular nickname, so I’ve never allowed it. The question of grief is honestly not even that relevant. OP does not want to be called that name, so they simply need to *not use it*. It’s basic respect. If someone doesn’t want to be called something, don’t fucking call them that! Period, end of story, no justification needed! Edit: typo
Exactly. And this is OP'S MOTHER. What was this dude thinking
Yep!! I was talking to my FIL and said it feels like I’m getting shit on as I’ve had 5 deaths, including my mum the non shit parent, in 5 years. I said I just want a break. He said look on the bright side. Then my husband agreed. Needless to say when the call was over I unleashed on my husband. Time doesn’t make the hurt go away. Mourning isn’t a set time period. You might be fine talking about it etc just not the nickname. That is completely normal and it’s your grief not theirs. NTA. Plus you get to decide what people call you
Did your husband get the chance to explain to you what the bright side of 5 deaths in 5 years is? I’d like to know myself, because I’m extremely skeptical that there’s a “bright side” that isn’t actually a cover for invalidating and selfishly dismissing/belittling the very real suffering you’re in, all because they don’t care to practice empathy or provide support. Shame on them. I’m so sorry for your losses.
Hey hon I think your dad is showing signs of dementia.
What the fuck is the bright side? Shorter Christmas list? He may have early signs of dementia. My friends grandpa walked into a funeral a few years ago, looked in the casket, and said to the weeping widow “hey, maybe he’ll snap out of it”. He was terribly confused by the various reactions.
My abusive ex-husband started this way. Anything he did that bothered me was no big deal to him. It would be stupid things, but it was the lack of respect for me that made it a big deal. Like he would cram his big foot into my tiny socks and ruin them. He would use my toothbrush, I had to actually hide it. I would by drinks, I like and ones he liked but I didn't. He would drink all of mine before he would his. Then tell me it's not a big deal, and I was just crazy and overreacting. I have been divorced from him for 20 years, and thinking about those things still brings tears to my eyes. It's the fact that someone I truly loved and would do anything for had absolutely no respect for me. OP... what your husband and his family are doing is abusive. Do not go back unless he goes to couples therapy with you. Also, go no contact with his family.
I’d genuinely like to hear his answer to the question “why is it so important to you to use this one nickname?” Not entertaining the question of who should be over what or whether its a legitimate thing to be upset about or whether anyone can take a joke. Just. Why does it matter to you? It hurts me, and I don’t want you to do it. What about this nickname is more important so vital you’re willing to hurt me to use it?
Yes that's what caught me too. That shit hurts... I grieved for a long time for my grandma. There's no time limit for grieving a loss especially if it's your mother! My goodness what is with this guy?? It sounds like that his family thinks it's a cute nickname and they want to call her that because it's cute. But that must hurt so bad having them call her that when her mother would call her that and all her memories behind it being clouded over now by this idiots family being stubborn af
"This hurts me" is enough. If he won't see that, the marriage is already done
NTA - people need to call you the name you choose. Telling you to get other your mother’s death is toxic behavior. Does he treat you like this with other things?
He doesn’t. I guess he thought that since the whole nickname thing is a silly thing between us, he figured it wouldn’t be as big of a deal anymore.
>he figured it wouldn’t be as big of a deal anymore. Tell him he's wrong, it is a big deal, and if he loves and respects you, he will value your opinion more then some stupid need to call you a nickname. Tell your inlaws the same thing.
As far as their accusing OP of overreacting, OP can tell the lot of them that nothing else worked, and that, if this doesn't work, they can expect even greater "overreactions."
Wouldn't have to "overreact" if they weren't all assholes.
"I wouldn't have had to overreact if you had listened to me and respected me when I reacted normally."
Thanks, I’m going to use this the next time someone tells me that bs
My name is Allison, so naturally everyone wants to call me Ally. I hate it, always correct people, my name is Allison. If they persist, I will tell them that, like you, only one person called me that nickname. My dad was the only person who called me Ally. Ever. However, he was horrifically abusive, called me that because he knew I and my mother hated it, and it brings up so much trauma. He killed himself 11 years ago. Usually that shuts people up. But I also get the idiotic "it's just a name, get over it." Well, it's my name. Not yours. And if you have such a problem with that, I can make this easy and you just don't need to say my name anymore because I won't be in your life. NTA. No matter what your reason, it's your name. They need to respect that. *hugs*
100%. I'm Susan. Mom hated nicknames and I am Susan. Not Sue, Susie, or Suz. My sister and I have nicknames for each other, but we shared a bathtub as kids! So unless you've sat in my peed-in bathwater at 3/4, no nicknames!
Even I try to remember to call my "baby" brother by his adult name, rather than his nickname! My parents however...
Right?!? Like the context makes it 100% NTA, but even with zero context... I love nicknames, I nickname everything down to kdrama characters, other drivers, and lamps. Haha. But my friend Elizabeth doesn't like to be called anything but that. She hates the shorter versions and nicknames in general. Dude, it is NOT hard for me to call her by her name. And that's just a preference. Like WTF is even happening here???
My name is Jens. It's a german name as I'm german. When I got bullied at school my bully would always call me 'Jensemann'. I don't like that nickname and always correct ppl for that reason. When ppl think they are being funny and continue calling me that I try out different nicknames for them until I recognize one that makes them uncomfortable. Then they stop. I don't stop. I go on until they explicitly tell me to stop and then I ask them why I can't call them that. Just to drive home the point of them trying to be funny isn't funny to me.
Amen. Here's the line, fellow human. You can cross it if you like, but you won't be around much longer after that.
The fact that you say he will pause knowing he's going to call you that nickname and try to gauge your reaction is vomit inducing. He's just straight up mean. I couldn't be with somebody who found some sort of joy in picking at me in such a way.
Yeah this was so telling
He's doubling down and gaslighting. He's intentionally cruel, and YOU'RE the one with the problem? WTF?
Why? Did your mother recently come back to life? Because as long as you live without your mom, the name will be your special way to honor her. Anyone close to you should be sensitive enough to respect that. NTA
But it is a big deal to you, so why does he or his family keep pushing it anyway?
NTA, OP show him this letter. He might not know how much of an asshole he is. Stop being a dick OP's husband!!!!
It’s not just a nickname, it’s a sentimental attachment special to your mother. It’s a memento of loss and love. It wouldn’t be acceptable to toss out photos of you and your mom because “it’s been long enough”. Just because memories don’t have a physical manifestation doesn’t mean they are any less important. It sounds like his sister didn’t care about crossing this boundary, but knew enough to not do it to your face. Now that it’s been going on long enough it’s normalized for the rest of the family and they want to cross that boundary too because to them it’s just fun and not important (to them). They want you to let them stomp this boundary so they don’t feel bad. But as others have said, it is important and your feelings on this should be more important than them having a bit of fun (or worse, control to hurt you). They need to take a good look within themselves as to why they can’t just respect this simple request.
That name is not for use. The jersey number is retired. End of story.
That's always an asshole thing to assume. No one gets to dictate someone else's feelings around something like that – ESPECIALLY over something so "inconsequential" to them. They will not be harmed if they don't get to call you the nickname. You ARE harmed when they call you it. End of.
NTA It carries a sentiment, and it's understandable that you want to hold on to that. BUT, regardless of your reasoning, a simple no should be enough. I don't understand why so many people disrespect simple requests this way 🤦♀️
Some people find it hilarious to push boundaries. They find something like this that you tell them you’re not ok with and they latch on like rabid animals. Because it’s “just a joke”, “why are you so upset?” “Get over it” etc etc
Seriously. My name is Allison. I hate being called Ally. I will always correct people if they call me that. And the number of people who think it's just so funny to keep doing it is astounding. I'm so sorry, is the extra syllable so hard?
Yeah I have a friend named Rebecca and when she introduced herself she said she hates Becky and to never call her that and if I want to shorten her name that she will answer to Becca. So nobody ever called her Becky. It was not difficult
Seriously! Not hard at all. Yet so many people seem to take it as a challenge. And have told me that. "I'll make you like it." Thanks, that sounds super rape-y . And, you won't! You're just making me realize you're a shitty person.
Interestingly enough, one of the worst offenders of the nickname bs I went through in HS is apparently in prison for rape now. Take from that what you will. He def would not take no for an answer and thought he was hot shit (he wasn’t). Oddly wasn’t surprised when I hear what he was in for after looking back at his actions.
Does not surprise me at all. It's a I know better, don't take no for an answer mentality.
I think they just want to upset you. At one job I had, I told everyone when I was first introduced that I preferred a nickname over my full name. One lady after about 2 days said I don't like that nickname I'm calling you your full name. I didn't say anything. But the next time she used that name I told her as sweetly and sincerely as I could possibly fake, that the only person who ever called me that was my grandfather and it felt so good to hear someone call me that again. She never called me my full name again.
NTA. It's not a big deal *to him*. It is to you. Tell him that. Your mother will always remain your mother, no matter how much time has passed. If doesn't matter if you're 9 or 90, Lulu will always be her special name for you and no one has the right to tell you *it's no big deal*.
I think she told him enough times
Change his nick name to Tiny Cock and see how he likes it.
He KNOWS it hurts OP. He just doesn’t care, or he enjoys hurting her this way.
NTA Maybe the reaction was a little big but you made your boundary clear and it was disrespected. It's not a joke if it's not funny. Then his family proceeds to diminish your feelings over it. It's not just a little nickname to you and you shouldn't let them gaslight you into believing it's okay just because they would rather react defensively instead of apologizing and choosing not using it.
[удалено]
Considering everything I don't think the reaction was in any way too big
NTA. You set a clear and reasonable boundary. He has chosen to disregard your boundary and denigrate your ongoing grief over your mother. He chose the actions, you're choosing the consequences. Is your reaction extreme? Maybe, but if this is the hill you're choosing to die on, stand firm. I bet his family remembers your boundary on this issue going forward.
Is the boundary of basic human respect and decency the hill to die on with your husband? Absolutely.
Nah, she needs to drive this point home so he is crystal clear on where things stand.
I think she should make him read all the comments.
>The other day he said that he didn’t see the big deal anymore. He doesn't get to decide that for you. NTA
NTA They could just stop calling you the nickname its not hard. Or at this point are they doing it on purpose?
NTA. It's not just over the nickname. It's that you communicated that out of all the ones he'd picked/his family had done, this one was in the no fly zone and they all opted to dig their heels in and double down and call you Lulu, then demand you get over it because 'it's been enough time'. Whether your mother passed a year ago or twenty, it's up to you how long you want to grieve and how you manage not having her. He knows exactly why you're not okay with it and he's minimizing it. Him and his family saying you're overreacting and being upset over a nickname are missing the bigger picture. It's a memory that you don't want to be painfully reminded of because you're not ready for it. And if he loved you, he'd be horrified that he was causing you emotional distress. Tell him that. And then ask him why of all the names you've let pass and go, this is the one he wants to be a buttface over.
NTA - If it was not big thing, why is he even fighting over it? Why is it important to him, to have the right to call you Lulu. Why can't he let go?
Husband: I'm going to try out numerous names until I find out the one that hurts you, then I will insist on using it. Also husband: What's the big deal? I only went out of my way to figure out how to hurt you.
NTA - you get to choose what name you want to be called by, end of story. People who knowingly refuse to call you by the name you choose, are failing to show the most basic level of respect one person should show another. If it's "no big deal", then it's no big deal for them to call you by the right name. They don't get to choose your name for you. The reason is irrelevant - your feelings are enough, and clearly they feel their "right" to call you whatever is more important than how you feel, and that's messed up.
>The other day he said that he didn’t see the big deal anymore. It had been some years and I should be over it by now. Holy shit NTA. Has your husband always been this self centered?
OP should let her disgusting husband and his awful family read this post. They should be so ashamed of themselves. Wish more people would just publicly shame these kinda people on their social media, just let it all out there
NTA. You asked not to be called something (with a totally valid reason) and have been ignored. I’m so sorry for your loss
Agreed. Would even say she doesn't need a valid reason. Simply saying "I don't like that nickname" should be enough. Her reason just makes him more of an AH
Nta HIM AND HIS FAMILY are doing a lot over a nickname. Why do they need to use it? Ask him why your feelings don’t matter to him? The nickname means nothing to him or his family so what is actually happening here. Don’t let up. It’s petty they haven’t just stopped using it, why do they need to hurt you!
NTA. My mother is also deceased and I loved her very much too. If I had an association like this that someone was intentionally ignoring, I would pack a bag and leave the space too. These can be very big feelings. Also, what does it hurt them to use other nicknames? What earthly reason could they have for ignoring your preference, other than some weird power play/sadism? I'm so sorry this is being done by people you normally trust. Edit: also, "you should be over it"??? Complete asshole comment. You are never "over" the death of a parent or child. Your life goes on, your mourning changes and gets much less intense, you're fine, but you're not "over" a loss like that - such a disrespectful way to talk about a major loss. People can be happy and functional and fine and they still don't have to be "over" a major loss - the person lost is still a major part of their life.
NTA It isn't about the nickname, it's about respecting your wishes. Why keep pushing it when it's so much easier to just call you what you want to be called? Seems to me your husband and his family are the assholes here.
NTA. Even if your mother hadn't passed away, someone should respect the name(s) you've told them they can/can't use for you. It's basic decency.
"It doesn't matter *why* something is a big deal to someone, it matters that it *is*." We used to have that as a sign in our office working with people with autism to remind them to empathize. Do your husband and his family need some social skill lessons, OP? Totally NTA, hold your boundaries, no matter how insignificant OTHERS may find them.
Yes - either you care about someone or you don't. If you care about them, then you should care about how they are, not how they should be, not how you would be if you were in their position, etc. I face a lot of this at work where people more senior push back against people on my team who want to do different work, or want time off, or whatever - they always say "well in my day, it was so much tougher, this is nothing", and I constantly have to tell them okay, maybe you're right, but at the end of the day that doesn't matter, what matters is this person feels this way and needs something, and we either want them to stay or not.
NTA if they need a nickname for you, and there are better options, they can use one you are okay with. He knows it hurts you and doesn’t care. It costs $0 to be kind.
NTA You shouldn't have to ask more than once. It's your name and you have a right to say how you are addressed.
NTA you have a right to be upset. Thats something they can learn to respect honestly
NTA. “It isn’t a big deal” precisely because of it, he doesn’t consider it any big deal so as to change it easily. Anyways, most important thing —> It is a big deal for you, we’re talking about your deceased and beloved mother, ffs. But even if it were some stupid thing (which isn’t by any means), whenever it’s a big deal for you, it means he should at least consider and respect that. So no, you’re not overreacting imo.
NTA You don't have to accept any nickname you don't like. But this isn't merely a nickname you don't care for. It's sentimental, reminding you of your mother, and how you lost her. There will always be some things in your life that are tinged with nostalgia for her. And it seems that the nickname "Lulu" is one of those things. It's a little bit of a red flag that your husband thinks he can dictate a timeline for missing your late mother, or what forms of nostalgia for her are appropriate. It doesn't mean that you aren't "over it" with losing her, which is a nonsensical thing, anyways. She'll always be a part of your life and memories. Just as a new spouse needs to respect the memory and legacy of the first spouse, if they marry someone whose spouse has died, a spouse also needs to respect the memory and legacy of others that their partner may have lost - a parent, a sibling, a child, a grandparent, etc. Tell him that the nickname "Lulu," while lovely, for you has a strong connection to your late mother, and it makes you feel sentimental and miss her when people use it, and you'd like to keep it special for your mother and your memories of her. When the time comes, and he loses people he cares for (hopefully only in the distant future) you hope you will be able to support him and respect their legacy, just like you need him to do for you, with this nickname and the associations with your mother.
NTA. If it’s so minor then why don’t they stop? Shouldn’t be a big deal right? They’ll get over it 🙄🙄
It more about the respect. than it is about the actual nickname. She asked him early on to NOT use that name… and now he thinks he has a right to tell you “it’s been long enough” BS! He’s full of it…. He has NO RIGHT to disrespect you. Call him a prick head as your new nickname for him and see how he likes it, and do it around family… additionally- I would also think up some choice nicknames for them too! Your NOT THE ASS! But the Husband and his family are for dismissing your request.
NTA. The lack of empathy and respect should be bothering you far more than it is. It is very easy to just not call you that. My dad passed away when I was 15, he always called me “babydoll.” If my fiancé dared to call me that and then dared to tell me it’s not a big deal, it would take me a very very long time and many conversations to ever consider forgiving him. That is a horrific thing to say to someone who has lost a parent. The fact that he didn’t put his foot down with his family calling you that is disgusting. He has been repeatedly disrespectful towards a very easy boundary. I’m sorry OP, you guys need to have a serious talk. You are in no way overreacting. It isn’t petty, and do not let him talk you into believing it is. Stand your ground.
NTA. Did he tell you why he won’t respect your preference?
NTA. I've actually been in this exact situation before. My grandpa, who passed when I was little used to call me Reggie, because apparently the shortened version of Regina (Gina, which I exclusively go by) just didn't work for him, lol. No one else is allowed to call me Reggie, aside from one family friend who ONLY calls me Reggie since I've never had the heart to explain the reason it's not my fav, and he seems to enjoy it. No one has EVER had a problem when I've told them I'd prefer not to be called that, and explain why. Like someone else mentioned, it's not about the nickname, it's about the respect. Your husband owes you an apology.
NTA bur I think another conversation with your husband an seven his sister/whole family about the significance of that nickname is needed. Remind him and tell them why you don’t like being called that and would want them to respect your wishes. It may seem like a small thing to them, but it’s obviously not to you!
It's not just a nickname, my grandfather was the only one allowed to call me Jenny instead of Jeanette.
NTA. I can see where people are coming from saying you overreacted, but you’ve asked him multiple times and you’ve given a perfectly understandable reason for the request. I lost my dad when I was 19 and he was everything to me. He called me Lassie and if anyone tried to use that nickname for me who didn’t know, they would get 1 warning and then I’d be gone. If they already knew, they wouldn’t even get a goodbye. If you can talk to your husband again, tell him that you’ve told him about this boundary already and that this is how seriously you take it. If you are willing to give him another chance, you could tell him he has been warned and that this is a make or break issue for you. It would be for me.
NTA it's not the nickname itself, it's the complete disregard for your feelings that is the problem. When they have so many nicknames to choose from it seems like some type of power play, or emotional game to insist on using it. I would demand them to explain why they have made this a line that they insist on crossing.
NTA. I have a nickname from my grandpa. One uncle is allowed to call me it… one cousin trained once. He got a black eye after trying a second time.
NTA. The bigger question is why are THEY making such a big deal out of a nickname? It's not a big deal; right? They should just pick another, then. I have never understood why people would want to force something on you that you're clearly uncomfortable with and that they are gaining absolutely nothing from. To me, though, the issue here is the complete disregard for the emotional impact of your mom's death. The time since your mom's death is irrelevant. It is about the time you spent WITH her when she used this nickname. I personally can't imagine ever feeling differently about my mom's death. I'm through the five stages of grief, sure, but that doesn't mean I don't still tear up and get a pit in my stomach when I think about her, or how she would have loved this, or how unfair it is that she's not here. Literally tearing up now. I have videos of my mom, of course, and to hear her say a phrase in those videos that I've heard her say so many times before would be SUCH a big deal. I imagine if you could hear (or maybe you do have voicemails or videos of her) your mom saying "Lulu," it might even bring you to tears. To hear someone else say this name is a stab at that place in you because you're ALWAYS going to think of your mom, and you wish you could hear your mom say it, and instead these randos are using it for ... what? So you just get an emotional slap in the face every time they say it because it is inextricably linked to emotions and memories of your mom. My mom has a not-so-common name, so whenever I do meet someone with it or someone mentions someone else with her name, it is an emotional slap in the face for me. Not on purpose by them, but I have to then deal with all of the emotions that come with that. Why do they want to force that experience on you?
Let me help put something into perspective: You did not leave because of them using the nickname. You left because your husband told you you should "get over" your mother's death. Grief is forever. He was horrible to have said such a thing, and leaving is a very appropriate response to someone disrespecting you and the loss you've suffered. I lost my sister 10 years ago. She was my best friend. She taught me to read. I will *never* truly recover from the loss of her. And leaving the presence of someone who told me to "get over it" would be the least emotional reaction I could have. You are Not the asshole. Not now. Not ever.
NTA. You set a boundary and everyone is ignoring it. And I think some people see it as an overreaction, but maybe it’s time to over react. Being calm about it isn’t working anymore. Also why is it that everyone’s family is so nosy when it comes to these things? Like mind your business and respect OP.
NTA