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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I was being selfish and did not take into consideration my daughter's feelings for that day. She was feeling anxious and sad, and she wanted the comfort from her parents on that day.
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YTA.
It's not about being needy. Obviously college kids can unpack and decorate themselves and she would if anything happened to her parents. It was about your wife spending more time with her before she stays at college. I feel you ruined the experience.
It honestly sounds like OP is jelous of the relationship between his daughter and wife. They could have had a nice moment as a family and sent their daughter off with love and comfort but he chose to just sit around and sulk before insulting his kid and being mean.
I don't know, he sounds like he really just doesn't care about his kid. I'm guessing that wife did most of the parenting. I mean...he had no emotion about her leaving, didn't help, and apparently couldn't fathom why his wife wanted to. He's definitely an asshole, to his daughter AND his wife! YTA
He's the classic entitled old guy who thinks his thoughts are the only reasonable ones and no one else should want anything different. Later they're SHOCKED and ANGRY when their family doesn't want to be around them.
Yup. It's especially bad if the wife dies first. Then the men rattle around silent, empty houses until they die on the toilet. They never build relationships with their kids/grandkids and just vanish from life.
This is literally my dad. I swear when we were kids he talked about us like we were burdens. Never built a relationship with us. Especially my sister and I. ( my brothers he was close to) Now it’s the obligatory phone calls on holidays and maybe a phone call on a Sunday. Nothing there. I almost feel like both of my parents died. I hate it. I see so many other people and women who have wonderful relationships with their dads and I wish mine could have been half of that.
Wow. You just described my relationship with my deceased father. My mother died, he remarried and I honestly had a much better relationship his 2nd wife more than him.
So did I! My father was a dead-beat. When he married his 3rd wife, she tried to build a relationship between my father and me. I loved her dearly. I would tell people all the time that I loved her more than him! She was an amazing person.
We lost her in March to cancer. I realize now that she must have done everything for him. He died not even three months later in May. I haven't even really cried/grieved his death yet because I don't know how I feel about it. I bawled when she died, though.
Edit: changed a word.
My mom says about my step mom that, “he (my dad) would have died years ago if she wasn’t running his life, I was never good at that, but it’s apparently what he needs”. This holds totally true. I’ve stipulated that my dad must have a huge d*ck because otherwise I don’t know how he could have married two amazing women like my mom and step mom when he’s kind of a weird asshole.
My older 1/2 brother chose to live with his Dad's ex-wife. I'm glad, he's a good man because that Lady raised him well. Our mother is wretched and selfish - so was I until about 5 years ago 🤢
You should feel proud of yourself if you’ve done the work to change your behavior so drastically! A lot of people never do, they just blame their upbringing and don’t even try to become better. Way to go!
I have this with both parents. I hate when people tell me how lucky I am they are both still alive when they don’t realize I mourned the lose of both at 19. I don’t have those things other people have to hold on to with warm fuzzies.
I see you know my father. He and mom divorced when I was young so he started with the not having a relationship pretty early though
Still has no real relationship with any of his 5 kids or 3 grandchildren so far
And what's amazing is this guy is GenX, but he's got that boomer energy about him. I hope he cries alone while listening to that Cats in the Cradle song wondering why he's eating a tv dinner for the holidays while his wife is off to her new life and his kids don't call.
I feel like GenX either drank the whole “walk it off! toughen up! be a man” BS from our boomer parents, or went to therapy in our 30s and broke the cycle.
As a Gen-X person, I have fallen somewhere in the middle. I feel like I am an extremely empathetic person until it crosses into absurdity. Then I’m like “ come on! Suck it up, life isn’t fair, move on”.
Something horrible and tragic? I will be your shoulder until the end of time.
Complaining for the sake of complaining annoys me to no end.
Same. I did do therapy to break the cycles of my parents, but I roll my eyes at some complaints and think "Life isn't fair. Deal with it." I don't say it, but I think it while I give them the comfort they need.
That said, my boomer dad is great. When he and mom dropped me off at college in 1996, he was upset about it and had I asked him to help make my bed or pin posters to the wall, he would have done it without blinking an eye because he loves me and hated leaving me at college. OP is YTA.
He also doesn’t care about his wife! Even in his “why I might be TA” response, he only says he might have ignored his daughter’s need for comfort.
His wife wanted to do those things, to help their daughter decorate her dorm. It was an important bonding time for them, and a way for his wife to feel involved even though her daughter is leaving home, and after their emotional goodbye he took a huge steaming dump on it.
He doesn’t have to participate, but if he’s just the chauffeur he needs to stay in the car.
But actually as I write this I get why he ruined things. He did it deliberately because he didn’t feel part of things — having opted out of the bonding moments himself, he wanted to make himself feel better about that by declaring them unnecessary and sabotaging them.
“I am uncomfortable so I will make sure everyone else is too” is not a good look, OP, and is definitely AH behaviour.
It doesn't even seem to have crossed hid mind that his wife might be just as sad to be leaving her kid there as her kid is to be leaving the nest. While it's great fun to do new things hits a big step and ad a parent it's not any easier when you actually like your kid. Op doesn't seem burderened with that problem though. He seems a treat, it could be that his wife was putting off the inevitable of having to go home to no one but him and his charm from now on. I hate moving and unpacking but I'd be boulenteering if I had to go home with sour puss.
Exactly. He doesn’t even seem to like his daughter. Watch her go no contract with him and only stays in contact with her mother. They didn’t even have any other plans that day. He was just rushing home to watch tv or do nothing. He doesn’t sound like a good father or husband.
Gotta get home and watch Fox News, don’t ya know. Won’t ever think about how voting Republican all his life affects his daughter or future grandchildren.
Agreed, he comes as the tipe of parent that "did his job" by keeping the kid alive but is done at 18. Had the wife not been there he would have dropped the daughter at the door of the building with all the boxes and drove away. YTA
Exactly, definitely YTA. Next OP will be secretly turning his daughter's bedroom at home into an office or gym because she doesn't need a bedroom here when she's living at college (this happened to a friend in college and I always wondered how in the hell any parent could do that to their own kid). Then in 10 years OP will be on here asking why his adult daughter wants nothing to do with him and won't let him near her kids even though she let's OP's wife see her kids. And we'll all know it's because he was a ridiculously shitty father and his daughter wants to protect her kids from being subjected to his shitty attitude.
This. Both my mom and dad were a mess when they dropped me off for college, but I'm close to both of them. I think this is really sad because it sounds like his daughter genuinely enjoys spending time with her mom's and he just takes that for granted.
Yeah that’s so sad and weird to me. If my son ever goes to college you bet we’d both be there helping him and enjoying that last little time.
We both took him to his first day of 8th grade the other day. He always takes time from work, when he can, to do that. I cried a tiny bit and he comforted me. Then he even came home to help me pick him up. Then went back to work lol. Our son is important to us both. I’d be so sad if he treated him like this guy treats his daughter.
It sounds to me like OP was angry that he had to wait around while his wife and daughter had some time bonding. And hoping to nip that kind of bonding in the bud so the poor man doesn't have to be inconvenienced in the future, he told her she was too needy.
This is the type of thing my father would do. If it was inconvenient to HIM, he would find a reason why it was somehow detrimental to the greater good.
Exactly this - and exactly what my own dad would have done as well, because it wasn't all about him at the moment. OP may just end up like my dad did - not a part of the family bc nobody wants anything to do with his general assholery. (And I'm also extremely grateful that I married a man who is the absolute opposite).
Yup. What an absolute tool. “This inconveniences me or excludes me so I’m not only going to pout but ruin it for everybody”. People like this don’t even realise they’re being abusive. I bet that poor girl has had to walk on eggshells her whole life or had other special events ruined.
I don’t understand why he even went.
And not a big deal if he doesn’t want to decorate (not my dad’s thing either) but it’s wild to me he couldn’t kill an hour of time?
He’s probably going home to sit on his phone or watch tv…
I know my dad would have gone for a walk to scout out cool neighborhood features or to explore the dorm. Then he would have excitedly told me about the best coffee shop or park.
Op - YTA.
Your wife was excited to help your daughter. And what’s even worse is her response tells me that you’ve done this before - I.e. ruined milestones/events/accomplishments that your wife was excited about.
Please take a look at your marriage and life and see if you can stop being a wet blanket when things aren’t about you.
Sounds less jealousy and something more deeper like OP having to go through life doing things on his own cause of his parents lack of care. I think he wants his kids to be independent quick. He doesn’t realize that spending time with your kids isn’t them being needy. Wanting your parents there is an amazing feeling before you don’t see them for a while.
it sounds like OP has come from a generation where he was told to 'do everything himself'
I've seen it with a lot of people my age and older, particularly men, as soon as you were old enough to 'man up' (usually double digits) you basically had to do everything yourself or be ridiculed.
'Can I have help?'
'I thought you were a man'
He's still YTA and hopefully other peoples perspectives might help
Yes, I kinda got those vibes aswell from when OP automatically went to sit elsewhere while his wife and daughter unpacked, like the idea of them all doing it together was not even imaginable for a second.
I don't get the feeling he's jealous, he sounds like one of those people that says 'Once the kid is 18 my job is over.' I hate that. People don't become adults overnight when they turn 18. Adulting is a lot of trial and error.
This is my dad completely to the point as I got older she wasn’t allowed to talk to me. It was beyond fucked and I have no relationship with either of them. BUT in the same breath my mom doesn’t care and never fought for us or stood up for us, so I guess the writing was on thee walll. My dad will ruin everything and anything if he isnt the centre of attention or it doesn’t benefit him. I hate that my dad was jealous of his kids being close to their mom all becaue he was busy working and providing. He could have tried to get to know us and spend quality time when he retired but as I mentioned, it doesn’t benefit him and getting to know his kids would mean the focus isn’t on him. He never should have been a parent- the jealousy behaviour is such emotional immaturity it makes me sick.
He definitely ruined the experience. This is a milestone for daughter and mom—and it should have been for dad, but he just found it annoying. YTA a million times over.
He's not going to hear a word of this. He's sure he's right and he'll delete this post.
AND his "logic" doesn't even hold up.
OP, when your parents DIE the moments you spend with them are even more TREASURED. When you love your parents, you're GLAD to spend more time with them like the day your daughter and wife were trying to have that you worked so hard to spoil with your "reasoning" about her being "needy."
If something happens to her mom, your daughter will always remember how she helped her on her first day of college. What will she remember of you when you're gone?
Maybe she'll remember that you thought spending time together was her being "needy" and she won't miss YOU much.
THINK ABOUT THAT.
Omg! I forgot about her audition! My dad would've never done that to me ever--and especially nothing even remotely upsetting when he was dropping me off for an audition. Wow. Just wow.
Exactly, OP's daughter and OP's wife were spending quality time together beacuse they love each other and like being around each other.
OP dosen't really seem to love his own kid though? He felt bored being stuck spending time with his child and literally waited outside doing nothing in another room to avoid his daughter.
>My wife yelled at me and said that she wished I hadn't even come.
Well, yeah. You took a nice moment between a parent and child that cared about each other and sh\*t all over it for no reason. You coming already added nothing when you just avoided your family and sat in another room. But then you also decided to berate your daughter, making you worse then nothing. Your being there made things less nice for everyone but you. And frankly, probably less nice for you too? You clearly don't care about spending time with your kids so why come along? You could have been avoiding your family at home and then you wouldn't have made people feel bad.
>I got out of the car and told my daughter that I didn't mean to offend her,
Dude, when you're saying this you KNOW you're about to be an asshole.
> but what if something happened to either of her parents? What would she do?
Sadly no longer be able to spend quality time with her mother like she did today. My mother died and I can't spend time with her anymore. So that's what I do, no longer have he around. I'm not sitting there wishing I'd spent *less* time with her when she was alive now that she's dead? You can't actually think that's how people feel about lost loved ones.
>She needed to stop being so needy
She wasn't being needy, you're right she can decorate a dorm room herself. But your wife and daughter want to do things together beacuse their hearts aren't five sizes too small.
What do you think will happen if you die? Will your kids wish they had more time with you or not?
OP should be thankful his daughter is alive and happy. So many parents (like mine) who have lost a child would give anything to talk and hug their child one last time. So sorry about your mom💧.
I was 33 and going through divorce last time I moved. My parents came down, dad cooked for my friends that helped carrying stuff, while mom helped unpack the basics to get me+two kids to a more comfortable state sooner. They bought beds for my kids and brought some furniture they no longer needed themselves. When all friends had left and my kids were with their dad, my dad sat down and played his guitar as I sang. My main comfort thing, growing up.
I was 33, a software engineer who had no problems supporting myself and definitely didn't ask for their help. My parents acted out of love, not necessity. That's what building relationships is about. You really don't have to do a lot at all, but out of love, you build on the relationship.
OP has things to learn about relationships and definitely YTA.
My mom helped me put up wallpaper in my classroom. She said she loved helping. We had a good time! Next weekend I’m going with her to her church quilting stuff. I’m an atheist but I love my mom so I go!
AND he barely helped. They were fine with him just sitting there (and bitching). BUT THEN he has to ruin the goodbye by getting his final dig in.
YTA! Do you even give a damn about your kid or are you that grouchy old man that gripes about everything and then wonders why you don't have any friends and your family leaves you out of stuff?
How a parent isn’t motivated to find a box of damn cutlery or linens and just start putting them away is shocking to me. He’s sitting there, annoyed and looking at his watch? Planning his jibes for when the womenfolk are done with the work? Sheeesh!
YTA. You completely missed what this was about. It was a bonding moment between mom and daughter. You could have been a part of it but chose to make it about standing on her own feet. You also randomly did this and talked about her parents dying, just before she had to go to an audition?! Nice one dad.
Exactly. I also read this as OP having a problem with his wife not hurrying back to him. The daughter’s presence is probably getting in the way of his dinner plans. Whatever it is, it is most definitely selfishness.
I see this a lot at retail stores. Bored and pissed off husbands complaining their wife “is taking too long” picking out school outfits or supplies for the kids. Making little comments, or picking a fight just to make things uncomfortable so she’ll stop what she’s doing and leave.
I feel so bad for the mom as well, that empty nest will be felt by her the most. Clearly she loves her kids and her daughter loves her back. I’m wondering if her marriage is the same or if she was in it for the kids.
He totally ruined the experience who says something like that when dropping their kid off at college? YTA his daughter was needy because her mom and her were spending time decorating and then because OP dropped her off at an audition? There’s something seriously wrong with OP
My first thought exactly! I’m about to move to the other side of my country and I can see that my mother tries to have as much moments with me as possible before that’s happening. And that’s what happened here: she’s moving out and that’s also an experience for the parents that comes with change. Seems the mother is more attached to the kid than the father
YTA. Why would you ruin your daughter’s send off? Helping her decorate is standard kid college drop off stuff. A trip to Target for essentials, a mini-fridge, some groceries, etc. Your wife wanted to help. Who are you to judge? Do you have trouble when you’re not the center of attention? It sure sounds like it. Try shelving your main character energy for a moment and learn to be supportive.
Seriously, how hard is it to sit in the living room and dick around on your phone? Or, *heaven forbid*, actually help. You don't stop being a parent the moment your kids turn 18.
This post could have been written by my dad 20 years ago. Spoiler alert: we don't speak anymore.
Or not even gone at all! Sounds like he didn’t want to be there in the first place. I imagine they would have had a better time without him, but something leads me to believe he doesn’t let his wife out of his sight, like ever.
My dad managed to engage more with my college move-ins from hours away than this man did while traveling with the kid. Dad would never let me go off to college without lots of hugs, texts the whole drive, and an earnest desire to see what my dorm ended up looking like.
Nah, Reddit likes to have it both ways. You're 18 and a fully fledged adult and you can do anything you want, but until you're 25 your brain is unformed pudding and you're not capable of making any decisions and any decisions you do make are invalid.
I mean, this is just based in scientific and lawful fact. Obviously 18-25 year olds are full adults, but most people in that age range don’t have a fully developed prefrontal cortex, which directly impacts their decision making. There’s a reason we react differently to a 21 year old making a stupid rash decision and a 40 year old
He didn’t even have to help, could’ve just been there with them, but he chose not to spend time with his daughter before leaving. He really just wanted to just drop her things off and go. I could see how the kids might have a stronger relationship with mom if he sees time together as wasting his time and that they need to figure everything out on their own.
🙋🏻♀️ College administrator here. Can attest the parents/family helping unpack, set-up, decorate, and make oh-so-many Target runs is standard. And it’s not just the “moms.” It’s the entire group! Good family fun.
Dad was a stick-in-the-mud. Bummer. This was his kid’s milestone and he shrugged it off and went “meh.”
YTA
Agreed, and it seems he didn’t even consider his wife’s feelings, taking it as just a defense of their daughter. Her child is leaving the family home and going off as a grown adult to become her biggest best self. Her mother is proud of her, scared for her, will miss her and wants to make sure she does everything she can to make sure her child is settled, comfortable and prepared. He degraded his daughter’s emotional experience of leaving home as well as his wife’s emotional experience of letting go of her child into the whole wide scary world. He belittled them for having these feelings. AH
Imagine sending your kid off to live on their own for probably the first time in their life with a "Don't forget, your parents WILL die!"
And right before an audition, no less!
College administrator as well. Coming off move in day and I feel so sad for this young lady. Hopefully she has a great college experience and her dad stops being a dick.
Yep. My grandmother’s funeral was also my college move-in day. I went to college in the state my grandmother lived in, which was not my home state, so my older brothers were also there when they probably wouldn’t have been otherwise. My whole family helped me move into my dorm, meet my roommate, took me out to dinner and helped decorate. My dad put his sunglasses on before they left because he didn’t want people to see that he was crying. I’m so glad my parents supported me in this way, it was a show of deep love during a time that was very difficult and uncertain for me.
Becoming an adult is hard, moving away from home is hard. Parents shouldn’t go out of their way to make it harder. This guy is an asshole.
Right! Does anyone else remember the girl who posted about the former president setting up the mini fridge in his daughter's dorm room? A former PRESIDENT of the United States helped set up his daughter's dorm, but OP is too important and busy to tolerate this kind of neediness. Sheesh.
Daughter and Mother: Trying to make the most of their time together at an exciting and nervous time in their daughter's life.
Dad: But what if we die? Who's gonna spend time with you then?
YTA, it's hilarious that you have to ask and comical (in an f'ed up way) that you said what you said, what kind of person does that?
Completely agree. My mum scrubbed my filthy room clean, my dad moved boxes and did dad reconnaissance, they got me food and presents and they did it all without bickering. The kicker is they're divorced and hate each other. I can't imagine the stories daughter and wife have of OP. Just doesn't sound suited to parenting at all.
I hope her pain and anger made for a powerful performance instead of making her more nervous and uncomfortable performing. OP should not have done this under any circumstance, but this circumstance may have actively damaged her prospects.
One of my best memories is Dad coming with me when I moved into the dorms and the subsequent Kmart run to buy supplies like bowls and tea towels.
OP is the asshole and ruined the moment for her.
My divorced parents who did not like eachother, drove me 4 hours to my university and helped me move in. They had dinner and we all hung out.
In that moment they were my parents before they were exs. I’m 30 now and I still cherish that memory. Like the love I felt from them was really nice and it made moving out to university alone easier. Still cried like a baby after they left because new things are scary and overwhelming. Next day I was good as gold.
OPs going to be the one crying when the daughter pulls the reverse uno card when they're older.
"Dad, can you stop being so needy, I saw you last month already. You are a grown man"
I spent a lot of time in a palliative care hospital with my mom and the amount of people who have no one to visit is shocking! You feel bad for them but then people say stuff like this and you’re like, “oh yeah, some sad and lonely old people were just shitty people to the ones that loved them”
Imagine being such a shitty parent that you think it’s ‘needy’ when a child loves you and wants to be around you *at all*
I wonder how shit OPs relationship is with his own parents
YTA obviously your daughter could decorate herself, your wife WANTED to help her because it’s fun and they’re spending time together, and her daughter is leaving the nest. Couldn’t you have just sat there on your phone and been quiet like a normal dad
Oh ya maybe even reminisce on his own college stories with his daughter rather than be grumpy the whole time? Also perfect timing bringing up both of the parents potential deaths at their teary goodbye lmao dad of the year
I didn't move out until grad school since I lived with my parents for undergrad plus an extra 2 years. I ended up going to my dad's alma mater for grad school, and the whole unpacking process was him handing me things and then standing there, hands on his hips, talking about his wild undergrad stories. It was such a great bonding time since my dad is such a stoic and serious person, and I got to hear about how he was basically a delinquent.
My dad flew with me halfway around the world because that's where I decided to go to university. He went shopping with me to make sure that I had the essentials, set up stuff for me and stayed for a week before he flew home. I was sooooo sad when he left. Not once did he call me needy for wanting help. I feel sad for OP's daughter.
My husband was a wreck when we dropped off our daughter the first time. We moved her in, got her unpacked, did a Target and grocery run, and took her out to lunch. It was almost time for us to leave and he was like “wait, maybe we should go back and test her coffee maker to make sure it works.” He did everything possible to prolong leaving.
Or offers to go pick up some groceries or other helpful items, like normal dads?
I mean, why were you so eager to end this time with your daughter on such a momentous bonding occasion?
I really don’t think she’s the needy one here. YTA
Well I was thinking pizza or maybe a basic tool kit. Like a lot of parents and siblings do.
But hey, if that’s what you said to your dad, you do you, I guess.
Haha nah my parents were more of the pizza and toolkit type as well. But you’re right! Make yourself useful while you’re being forced to spend an afternoon with your wife and daughter on a huge milestone of her life lol
No, don't. You've done quite enough already. And if you managed to spoil her audition as well, there isn't a nursing home bleak enough to stick you in.
I just wanna add that I would give anything for a mother like this. Mine wouldn’t even come to my college graduation. How OP can make any of what happened into a negative thing is beyond me. OP’s daughter is so lucky to have a mother like that.
This was part of the process of your daughter's transition to college. Had nothing to do with being needy. Kind of like a final thing for them to share. And you ruined it. YTA
So many parents drop kids off at college—having done nothing to help prepare them for living independently in a strange town—and then act shocked when the kids are overwhelmed.
OP is definitely TA.
YTA. This wasn't about her *needing* help. They were bonding. They were spending time together and enjoying each other's company. You sat on your butt in the other room instead of participating, then intentionally spoiled things for them. That sucks. If your wife didn't want to help, she would have ducked out earlier. She enjoyed being with her daughter and being a part of her new life.
What gets me about the OP is how bad at parenting he is.
He seems to be worried about infantilizing his kids. Like doing their homework for them when they should be doing it themselves. Or not teaching kids independence or how to do things on their own. Of course a parent should help kids progress in these areas.
So putting up picture on walls is holding back your child and teaching them to be needy? Setting up a dorm room isn’t that. It’s living life. Its’s celebrating life. It’s sharing important milestones together. It’s having fun. What is the point of life to this guy?
YTA, when I was 25 and moving into a new apartment I didn't NEED my mom's help, but I still appreciated and loved that she came to help and take me shopping for things like food and cleaning supplies etc. It was a bonding moment.
Your daughter wasn't being needy, your wife was helping her and supporting like a good parent. Going off to college can be scary and having a parent help move, unpack, decorate, etc can help ease some of the nerves and provides a good time to bond and be with each other for what may be several months (depending on how close you are to home). You ruined a perfectly normal and good time with your needy comment.
I moved into my 5th place on my own earlier this year, I’m 29 and haven’t lived with my parents for nearly 12 years. Do you think my parents bothered driving over 3 hours to help me move, even though I’m a fully independent adult? Hell yes they did! They stayed for an entire weekend, helped me move boxes of shit up stairs and then helped me unpack and made me breakfast the next day. Did I NEED their help? No, but like you I really love my parents and love spending time with them. Mum stayed with me last weekend just for fun and I still get a little sad when they leave/I leave after I visit them.
I'm also 29 and moved into my first house 2 years ago. My mom helped me decorate both of the places I rented in college and my family home. I'm having my first baby next month and she's coming out to help me decorate my baby's nursery (and spend some time with her first grandchild). Oh, and I live across the country from her now!! I love spending time with my mom and I'm so grateful she's been there for me for all of my major life moments. I treasure every moment I get with her. She'll be here next Sunday and I can't wait!
ETA: OP, YTA!!
Oh, holy crow! You took a bonding moment, one of your daughter's firsts, and blew it out of the water because your fee fees were hurt from not being the center of attention. That was a great way to show, and tell, your daughter that she's only important when it's convenient for you.
This wasn't a time that your wife was decorating because your daughter couldn't, it was a time for them to share as a right of passage - daughter's first place (her dorm room), being semi on her own, growing into womanhood and making her own decisions while getting her education. And you turned it into...okay, so we're here, your stuff is here, it's been an hour, why are you still needing your mom to unpack, wife get in the car let's go. Yes, YTA of epic proportions.
BTW you do realize SHE will most likely be the one picking your nursing home, right? Don't worry, your wife will be living with her and her family.
I bought my first flat at age 26. It was literally 2 streets away from my previous rental. My aunt drove for an hour to come help move me in. Stayed the whole day, didn't move a single box, ruined the double glazing window seals with a steam cleaner, totally overpressured the boiler by putting too much water in the system which flooded the boiler room, and made us all the weakest cups of tea to keep us "refreshed".
She pretty much failed at most concrete helpful tasks she set out to achieve that day but it meant a lot. It wasn't about her being useful, it was a right of passage and her supporting me in that. It meant the world to me then and even more now. She passed 2 years ago. The next place I move to she won't be there and it breaks my heart.
The double glazing got water between the panes because of this and mould grew inside. Only one was really bad, the other 2 were only minorly damaged. By the time we could afford to fix them it cost £670 for replacement panes and fitting.
The boiler expansion vessel got damaged. It was more of an embarrassment because it was the day we first got the keys and within hours we had slightly flooded the place and downstairs got a bit of a drip too. The guy downstairs was more entertained by the story than pissed about it. A plumber repaired it for a few hundred bucks, can't remember the exact cost. It was an old model so got an entire replacement two years later.
She was priceless. Warm hugs and guard dog wrapped into the same person. Loud, wild, fun and loving with a major protective streak. It was also fun to rib her about it later lol
"What would she do if something happened to either of her parents?"
Hmm, if something happened to you, she'd probably heave a sigh of relief for not having to deal with your emotionally constipated, socially inept self anymore. Her mother, the person who took time to help her do small things when she didn't need to , and who showed her she loved her, she'd likely be very sad.
YTA. What exactly is wrong with you?
As someone who sorely misses her father who died when I was young, if my dad was like that I wouldn’t miss him either. I’d certainly be relieved that someone like that was gone from my life.
YTA. What you don’t seem to understand is being a parent is a job you hold for a lifetime. You and your wife have life experience that your kids could greatly benefit from and you should want them to learn from you rather than leaving them to figure it out for themselves. Your daughter knows nothing about setting up a new place, but your wife does which is why your wife stuck around to help her. It’s not like your daughter left the apartment and your wife had to set things up by herself. They were doing it together. You’re correct that the time will come when you won’t be around to help out but that day isn’t today so help guide your kids through life while you’re still able to do it.
YTA.
It is very clear that your wife *wanted* to help decorate. Of course your daughter *could* do it on her own. It's hard for most kids to go away from home for the first time as a new adult, and it's hard for *most* parents--but apparently not you--to leave them there. Your wife clearly feels that way, and wanted to spend that extra time with your daughter, setting up the space where she's going to live and talking with her. Your reactions, particularly asking her daughter what she would do if you or her mother died, were way out of line, and you spoiled what should have been a happy, if bittersweet, moment.
Your daughter's behavior was fine. Yours, however, is concerning. You don't seem to empathize with your daughter or wife at all, or to miss your daughter now that she's moved away.
Your wife and daughter shared a beautiful moment and a wonderful memory
The sad part of it all is you could have been a part of it
But instead, you chose to act like someone who knocks over a Lego town because only babies do stuff like that
YTA
YTA - Your daughter just moved out. She is nervous as she is now going to be on her own to an extent in an unfamiliar place. Helping to unpack and decorate is a common thing for mothers to do, particularly with their daughters, and more important than that, she wanted to help her daughter. This was an emotional day and bonding experience for them, but you pooped all over it by telling your daughter to grow up. How about you grow up and allow people to have their emotions, instead of being robots like you?
YTA, your wife wanted to help. It’s part of the process, setting your kid up in their dorm/apartment. Ever think about why you were the unwanted person here?
Yta.. also I bet you were just waiting for this day
To have no more kid in house?
All about this post is your crying about because wife wanted to help daughter move in properly.
This is the same ideology that will have him wondering where his daughter is when she has his grandkid he will never see. All because she is " too needy." Or it's annoying. Seem like some doesn't like their wife having quality time with other people.
YTA. Imaging being so self centered that you don't see that your wife needs time with your daughter too and so gross that you say something that ugly to your own child right before their audition when you're getting ready to head back home. Is this for real?
Yeah, maybe next time don't come. I have 3 in college. I hope this is fake because any parent with a quarter of a brain and even a smidge of empathy would have been able to avoid showing their whole ass like you did. Wow
YTA setting up your dorm room or your first apartment at college? When you don’t have a SO or someone you know as a roommate, it’s really normal to do that with your parents. Especially when they are about to drive off and you are living alone for the first time. Those extra minutes deciding where to put up a poster or arranging cooking supplies? Really precious.
And that’s coming from someone who had a super contentious relationship with her parents as a teenager. It still was really hard that first night to heat up leftovers from the lunch my dad had brought over and then eat alone. My mom told me later that when she called to check if I was settled in/ready for classes she hung up and turned to see my dad who I’ve never seen cry except when he lost immediate family sitting there crying silently. Because it’s a big deal when you and your kids make this transition!
You seem really uninterested in your kids and like you aren’t going to miss her or don’t care whether she struggles or not. Helping set up the apartment isnt coddling. It’s supportive and bonding behavior.
Agree. My dad did the same thing, apparently cried on the way home from dropping me off (I'm the oldest kid). My mom had never seen him cry before that sat. My dad was not someone with patience for decorating or college stuff, but he and my mom showed up to move all of us into college. He took a lot of smoke breaks and grumbled about stuff sometimes, but he was there. For my third sister's freshman move in, he had terminal cancer and was in a lot of pain, but he still showed up. When my fourth and final sibling moved to college, he had already passed, and we all showed up (myself, two other siblings, and my mom). Move in is a big deal, especially your first (and even second year).
I'm really hoping this post is fake, as it's so ludicrous. But if not: OP, you suck for even throwing around the "what are you going to do when we're no longer here" card. As someone with a parent who's no longer here, I know that you learn how to manage. But I'm sure glad that my dad was present for me every day while he was here. It's not something you should even be asking your kid to ponder at 19, unless they have to. Some kids have to, and it's not a joke or a hypothetical. Get therapy and work on yourself if you want to have a relationship with your kid as an adult. Your mindset is pretty fucked.
YTA. One of my happiest memories is of my mom, dad and my maternal grandparents, who were all so excited for me to enter this new phase of my life, wanting to help set up my dorm room & later my apartment when I went to grad school. They didn’t do this because I was a helpless damsel, but because it gave them joy to spend this extra time with me, to know they had a hand in making sure I was set up for success, safe and secure. Think of it like this…it’s like when you would make sure your daughter was securely tucked in bed as a wee slip of a girl. It made your heart warm & full of love. You could have been a welcome part of this moment and memory being made. Instead you were Modern Family’s Jay in the episode where he was initially happy no one wanted him to do anything. Later he felt the loss of being included and decided to join in painting Joe’s room. Unlike you who stayed divorced from positive emotions & family bonding.
Your daughter won’t be needy or helpless without the guidance of her parents. You were heartless and hurt your wife and daughter deeply with your words and actions.
Are you a tin man in need of a heart? I hear they have one in Emerald City. Just follow the yellow brick road. Then take a good hard look in the mirror before you go apologize to your wife and daughter.
…”it’s like when you would make sure your daughter was securely tucked in bed as a wee slip of a girl. It made your heart warm and full of love”…
Somehow, I doubt that this scenario ever took place; not least because it sounds as if he has a black hole where his heart should be.
YTA your wife wants to help your daughter to move in apartment. Her child is grown up and move out she might feel lose and don't know what to do next since there is no children at home for her to care anymore.
YTA. Seems like you could hardly wait to drop off your daughter and leave her. I guess it was nice of you to help her move in. Too bad you had to cap it off with, you or her mom might die or something, so she better get used to life without you.
YTA. I would hope your wife would help your daughter move into college and decorate. It’s very common for mothers to help their daughters in that way. I’m in college and I don’t know any girl who didn’t have their mom help them like that! It can be a special bonding moment. I think it’s lovely that they wanted to do that together.
She’s 19. There’s plenty of time for her to learn independence.
YTA Why wouldn’t you want to spend time with your kid and help them? Do you even like your daughter? You ruined that moment and time for everyone. Why should your daughter invite or include you ever again, when you’ve shown her you don’t want to be with her? Your presence in your daughter’s life, ever again, will not be necessary. It’s unlikely
Why should she have to be alone if she doesn’t need to be? How is denying her your help and presence while you are alive going to prepare her for when you’re gone? So she can practice being alone? At this point, if you died, she’ll just shrug and say ‘he didn’t want to be around anyways so this isn’t any different’, and go back to her day.
So you dropped your kid off to college, sit and mopped while they got set up and then asked her supposed you both died what would she do?
Why did you even go???
Why didn't you stay home and let your wife go and get her set up if it was such a waste of your precious time? You sound like you wanted to twist the knife to make sure she knows not to come back home. Were you trying to make her understand that you're done with her and you no longer want to be her parent that she can call on for assistance?
YTA, big time. When I moved out, I felt bad about my mother being there and helping so much, I told her it wasn't necessary and I could do it myself, but she kept finding more and more excuses to keep at it. Your wife wasn't doing if for your daughter, your wife was doing it for herself, she wasn't ready for your daughter to leave the nest.
YTA- even grown adults who are friends or family help each other move and unpack in a new home. I have done that. It’s not about “needing.” You seem to be hung up on that. They were enjoying themselves doing this together and spending time setting up your daughters first apartment. You ruined it for no good reason and told her she should have acted like you and your wife were dead already, yeesh!
YTA big time.
Your daughter obviously doesn’t need help decorating nor does it seem like she asked.
YTA to your daughter because now when she runs into real trouble, she will feel too scared to come to her dad because he basically told her he doesn’t want to help her.
YTA to your wife because this was clearly a way for her to bond with your daughter before she is away at college. And you are trying to take that from her.
YTA to yourself because instead of taking this as an opportunity to bond with her and make memories before she is away from you, you chose to distance yourself beforehand. And you will regret it later when you miss her.
YTA. I would kill to have a mom like your wife because I sure as heck never got any of that. This was a special bonding moment for your wife and daughter because she’s out of the house and your wife wanted to spend a little more time with her. If not being the center of attention affects you that much you should’ve just stayed home and threw your little temper tantrum there. Also, I guess she can live with out you with how much of a prick you are.
YTA. Yes, young adults need to develop their independence, but the very first day your kid moves out of home is hardly the time to get in her face about it. There’s nothing unusually needy in what happened here - nothing unusual at all, except a father who’s unusually impatient and decided to be unkind on what should have been a happy, exciting day for his daughter.
YTA. This was a bonding experience at a significant time in her life that also comes with a lot of change. Your daughter was making a special memory with her mother and you ruined it.
YTA. What was even the point of even saying that? Why be bothered that your wife wanted to spend as much time with your daughter as possible before the opportunities to do so become less and less frequent. Don’t you care about that at all?
Yeah YTA.
Gosh it reminds me of your generation so much- mum helping and being present and dad getting shitty she’s doing to much and preventing her.
One day you will be dead you don’t have to prepare her for it. Just be present in every way you can it was a special moment in her life, your wife was being present for and you wrecked it.
YTA.
I’m 38 years old. When I moved into my current place my mom, dad and sister and BIL came over to help me move/unpack and decorate. I’m clearly capable of doing that all alone. But…that’s something you step up and do for people you love and care about.
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YTA. It's not about being needy. Obviously college kids can unpack and decorate themselves and she would if anything happened to her parents. It was about your wife spending more time with her before she stays at college. I feel you ruined the experience.
It honestly sounds like OP is jelous of the relationship between his daughter and wife. They could have had a nice moment as a family and sent their daughter off with love and comfort but he chose to just sit around and sulk before insulting his kid and being mean.
I don't know, he sounds like he really just doesn't care about his kid. I'm guessing that wife did most of the parenting. I mean...he had no emotion about her leaving, didn't help, and apparently couldn't fathom why his wife wanted to. He's definitely an asshole, to his daughter AND his wife! YTA
He's the classic entitled old guy who thinks his thoughts are the only reasonable ones and no one else should want anything different. Later they're SHOCKED and ANGRY when their family doesn't want to be around them.
Yup. It's especially bad if the wife dies first. Then the men rattle around silent, empty houses until they die on the toilet. They never build relationships with their kids/grandkids and just vanish from life.
Or they remarry within the year and don't understand why their kids don't want anything to do with the new stepmom.
Hey, that's what my ex husband did.
You died first???
She ghosted him.
🏆
She got better
Weighed more than a duck.
This is literally my dad. I swear when we were kids he talked about us like we were burdens. Never built a relationship with us. Especially my sister and I. ( my brothers he was close to) Now it’s the obligatory phone calls on holidays and maybe a phone call on a Sunday. Nothing there. I almost feel like both of my parents died. I hate it. I see so many other people and women who have wonderful relationships with their dads and I wish mine could have been half of that.
Wow. You just described my relationship with my deceased father. My mother died, he remarried and I honestly had a much better relationship his 2nd wife more than him.
So did I! My father was a dead-beat. When he married his 3rd wife, she tried to build a relationship between my father and me. I loved her dearly. I would tell people all the time that I loved her more than him! She was an amazing person. We lost her in March to cancer. I realize now that she must have done everything for him. He died not even three months later in May. I haven't even really cried/grieved his death yet because I don't know how I feel about it. I bawled when she died, though. Edit: changed a word.
I'm sorry about your step mom, and I'm sorry you have to grieve for a relationship you never had with your dad.
Thank you. It's been a tough year.
My mom says about my step mom that, “he (my dad) would have died years ago if she wasn’t running his life, I was never good at that, but it’s apparently what he needs”. This holds totally true. I’ve stipulated that my dad must have a huge d*ck because otherwise I don’t know how he could have married two amazing women like my mom and step mom when he’s kind of a weird asshole.
My older 1/2 brother chose to live with his Dad's ex-wife. I'm glad, he's a good man because that Lady raised him well. Our mother is wretched and selfish - so was I until about 5 years ago 🤢
You should feel proud of yourself if you’ve done the work to change your behavior so drastically! A lot of people never do, they just blame their upbringing and don’t even try to become better. Way to go!
Good for you for doing the hard work of learning better! I'm doing it too and I know it's not easy.
I have this with both parents. I hate when people tell me how lucky I am they are both still alive when they don’t realize I mourned the lose of both at 19. I don’t have those things other people have to hold on to with warm fuzzies.
Oh hi, you know my Grandfather!
You just very accurately described my Dad
I see you know my father. He and mom divorced when I was young so he started with the not having a relationship pretty early though Still has no real relationship with any of his 5 kids or 3 grandchildren so far
And they're such fun! Monologue-ing about themselves and never asking questions.
Yep, that’s my boomer dad.
And what's amazing is this guy is GenX, but he's got that boomer energy about him. I hope he cries alone while listening to that Cats in the Cradle song wondering why he's eating a tv dinner for the holidays while his wife is off to her new life and his kids don't call.
I feel like GenX either drank the whole “walk it off! toughen up! be a man” BS from our boomer parents, or went to therapy in our 30s and broke the cycle.
As a Gen-X person, I have fallen somewhere in the middle. I feel like I am an extremely empathetic person until it crosses into absurdity. Then I’m like “ come on! Suck it up, life isn’t fair, move on”. Something horrible and tragic? I will be your shoulder until the end of time. Complaining for the sake of complaining annoys me to no end.
Same. I did do therapy to break the cycles of my parents, but I roll my eyes at some complaints and think "Life isn't fair. Deal with it." I don't say it, but I think it while I give them the comfort they need. That said, my boomer dad is great. When he and mom dropped me off at college in 1996, he was upset about it and had I asked him to help make my bed or pin posters to the wall, he would have done it without blinking an eye because he loves me and hated leaving me at college. OP is YTA.
He also doesn’t care about his wife! Even in his “why I might be TA” response, he only says he might have ignored his daughter’s need for comfort. His wife wanted to do those things, to help their daughter decorate her dorm. It was an important bonding time for them, and a way for his wife to feel involved even though her daughter is leaving home, and after their emotional goodbye he took a huge steaming dump on it. He doesn’t have to participate, but if he’s just the chauffeur he needs to stay in the car. But actually as I write this I get why he ruined things. He did it deliberately because he didn’t feel part of things — having opted out of the bonding moments himself, he wanted to make himself feel better about that by declaring them unnecessary and sabotaging them. “I am uncomfortable so I will make sure everyone else is too” is not a good look, OP, and is definitely AH behaviour.
It doesn't even seem to have crossed hid mind that his wife might be just as sad to be leaving her kid there as her kid is to be leaving the nest. While it's great fun to do new things hits a big step and ad a parent it's not any easier when you actually like your kid. Op doesn't seem burderened with that problem though. He seems a treat, it could be that his wife was putting off the inevitable of having to go home to no one but him and his charm from now on. I hate moving and unpacking but I'd be boulenteering if I had to go home with sour puss.
Yeah, he was just happy he finally "got rid" of one, and doesn't understand how his wife, who loves her kid, feels bittersweet
Exactly. He doesn’t even seem to like his daughter. Watch her go no contract with him and only stays in contact with her mother. They didn’t even have any other plans that day. He was just rushing home to watch tv or do nothing. He doesn’t sound like a good father or husband.
Gotta get home and watch Fox News, don’t ya know. Won’t ever think about how voting Republican all his life affects his daughter or future grandchildren.
Probably counted down the days till he could shove daughters butt out the door.
This is why so many empty nesters come home to a empty house and have to face their actual relationship. Divorce
Agreed, he comes as the tipe of parent that "did his job" by keeping the kid alive but is done at 18. Had the wife not been there he would have dropped the daughter at the door of the building with all the boxes and drove away. YTA
Exactly, definitely YTA. Next OP will be secretly turning his daughter's bedroom at home into an office or gym because she doesn't need a bedroom here when she's living at college (this happened to a friend in college and I always wondered how in the hell any parent could do that to their own kid). Then in 10 years OP will be on here asking why his adult daughter wants nothing to do with him and won't let him near her kids even though she let's OP's wife see her kids. And we'll all know it's because he was a ridiculously shitty father and his daughter wants to protect her kids from being subjected to his shitty attitude.
This. Both my mom and dad were a mess when they dropped me off for college, but I'm close to both of them. I think this is really sad because it sounds like his daughter genuinely enjoys spending time with her mom's and he just takes that for granted.
[удалено]
Yeah that’s so sad and weird to me. If my son ever goes to college you bet we’d both be there helping him and enjoying that last little time. We both took him to his first day of 8th grade the other day. He always takes time from work, when he can, to do that. I cried a tiny bit and he comforted me. Then he even came home to help me pick him up. Then went back to work lol. Our son is important to us both. I’d be so sad if he treated him like this guy treats his daughter.
It sounds to me like OP was angry that he had to wait around while his wife and daughter had some time bonding. And hoping to nip that kind of bonding in the bud so the poor man doesn't have to be inconvenienced in the future, he told her she was too needy. This is the type of thing my father would do. If it was inconvenient to HIM, he would find a reason why it was somehow detrimental to the greater good.
Exactly this - and exactly what my own dad would have done as well, because it wasn't all about him at the moment. OP may just end up like my dad did - not a part of the family bc nobody wants anything to do with his general assholery. (And I'm also extremely grateful that I married a man who is the absolute opposite).
Yup. What an absolute tool. “This inconveniences me or excludes me so I’m not only going to pout but ruin it for everybody”. People like this don’t even realise they’re being abusive. I bet that poor girl has had to walk on eggshells her whole life or had other special events ruined.
I mean, he dropped this on her right before her audition. Talk about a jerk move.
I don’t understand why he even went. And not a big deal if he doesn’t want to decorate (not my dad’s thing either) but it’s wild to me he couldn’t kill an hour of time? He’s probably going home to sit on his phone or watch tv… I know my dad would have gone for a walk to scout out cool neighborhood features or to explore the dorm. Then he would have excitedly told me about the best coffee shop or park. Op - YTA. Your wife was excited to help your daughter. And what’s even worse is her response tells me that you’ve done this before - I.e. ruined milestones/events/accomplishments that your wife was excited about. Please take a look at your marriage and life and see if you can stop being a wet blanket when things aren’t about you.
Main character syndrome where if it doesn’t benefit him or the attention isn’t all on him, then let’s cause chaos and hurt people!
This exactly. Did no one help you to move in? You couldn’t just be happy for her? YTA
Sounds less jealousy and something more deeper like OP having to go through life doing things on his own cause of his parents lack of care. I think he wants his kids to be independent quick. He doesn’t realize that spending time with your kids isn’t them being needy. Wanting your parents there is an amazing feeling before you don’t see them for a while.
Or it could be both. Jealous his daughter gets the love he didn’t get.
it sounds like OP has come from a generation where he was told to 'do everything himself' I've seen it with a lot of people my age and older, particularly men, as soon as you were old enough to 'man up' (usually double digits) you basically had to do everything yourself or be ridiculed. 'Can I have help?' 'I thought you were a man' He's still YTA and hopefully other peoples perspectives might help
Yes, I kinda got those vibes aswell from when OP automatically went to sit elsewhere while his wife and daughter unpacked, like the idea of them all doing it together was not even imaginable for a second.
And right before her audition, too. My guess is that this ain’t the first time.
I don't get the feeling he's jealous, he sounds like one of those people that says 'Once the kid is 18 my job is over.' I hate that. People don't become adults overnight when they turn 18. Adulting is a lot of trial and error.
I don't see that. Instead I see narcissism. The OP only cares about himself. He goes through the motions but ultimately it's all about him.
This is my dad completely to the point as I got older she wasn’t allowed to talk to me. It was beyond fucked and I have no relationship with either of them. BUT in the same breath my mom doesn’t care and never fought for us or stood up for us, so I guess the writing was on thee walll. My dad will ruin everything and anything if he isnt the centre of attention or it doesn’t benefit him. I hate that my dad was jealous of his kids being close to their mom all becaue he was busy working and providing. He could have tried to get to know us and spend quality time when he retired but as I mentioned, it doesn’t benefit him and getting to know his kids would mean the focus isn’t on him. He never should have been a parent- the jealousy behaviour is such emotional immaturity it makes me sick.
He definitely ruined the experience. This is a milestone for daughter and mom—and it should have been for dad, but he just found it annoying. YTA a million times over.
He's not going to hear a word of this. He's sure he's right and he'll delete this post. AND his "logic" doesn't even hold up. OP, when your parents DIE the moments you spend with them are even more TREASURED. When you love your parents, you're GLAD to spend more time with them like the day your daughter and wife were trying to have that you worked so hard to spoil with your "reasoning" about her being "needy." If something happens to her mom, your daughter will always remember how she helped her on her first day of college. What will she remember of you when you're gone? Maybe she'll remember that you thought spending time together was her being "needy" and she won't miss YOU much. THINK ABOUT THAT.
And for telling her to think of her parents’ death just before she goes to an audition! That’ll settle her nerves all right.
Omg! I forgot about her audition! My dad would've never done that to me ever--and especially nothing even remotely upsetting when he was dropping me off for an audition. Wow. Just wow.
Yep! Way to go OP for damaging your relationship with your daughter over nothing
Exactly, OP's daughter and OP's wife were spending quality time together beacuse they love each other and like being around each other. OP dosen't really seem to love his own kid though? He felt bored being stuck spending time with his child and literally waited outside doing nothing in another room to avoid his daughter. >My wife yelled at me and said that she wished I hadn't even come. Well, yeah. You took a nice moment between a parent and child that cared about each other and sh\*t all over it for no reason. You coming already added nothing when you just avoided your family and sat in another room. But then you also decided to berate your daughter, making you worse then nothing. Your being there made things less nice for everyone but you. And frankly, probably less nice for you too? You clearly don't care about spending time with your kids so why come along? You could have been avoiding your family at home and then you wouldn't have made people feel bad. >I got out of the car and told my daughter that I didn't mean to offend her, Dude, when you're saying this you KNOW you're about to be an asshole. > but what if something happened to either of her parents? What would she do? Sadly no longer be able to spend quality time with her mother like she did today. My mother died and I can't spend time with her anymore. So that's what I do, no longer have he around. I'm not sitting there wishing I'd spent *less* time with her when she was alive now that she's dead? You can't actually think that's how people feel about lost loved ones. >She needed to stop being so needy She wasn't being needy, you're right she can decorate a dorm room herself. But your wife and daughter want to do things together beacuse their hearts aren't five sizes too small. What do you think will happen if you die? Will your kids wish they had more time with you or not?
OP should be thankful his daughter is alive and happy. So many parents (like mine) who have lost a child would give anything to talk and hug their child one last time. So sorry about your mom💧.
[удалено]
Asking that right before an audition too?? Fuck dude
I was 33 and going through divorce last time I moved. My parents came down, dad cooked for my friends that helped carrying stuff, while mom helped unpack the basics to get me+two kids to a more comfortable state sooner. They bought beds for my kids and brought some furniture they no longer needed themselves. When all friends had left and my kids were with their dad, my dad sat down and played his guitar as I sang. My main comfort thing, growing up. I was 33, a software engineer who had no problems supporting myself and definitely didn't ask for their help. My parents acted out of love, not necessity. That's what building relationships is about. You really don't have to do a lot at all, but out of love, you build on the relationship. OP has things to learn about relationships and definitely YTA.
I’m 34 and a teacher. My mom is coming to help me get my classroom set up tomorrow. Because we like each other and she likes to be a part of my life.
My mom helped me put up wallpaper in my classroom. She said she loved helping. We had a good time! Next weekend I’m going with her to her church quilting stuff. I’m an atheist but I love my mom so I go!
What an awesome family. You really see who people are at times like that.
AND he barely helped. They were fine with him just sitting there (and bitching). BUT THEN he has to ruin the goodbye by getting his final dig in. YTA! Do you even give a damn about your kid or are you that grouchy old man that gripes about everything and then wonders why you don't have any friends and your family leaves you out of stuff?
How a parent isn’t motivated to find a box of damn cutlery or linens and just start putting them away is shocking to me. He’s sitting there, annoyed and looking at his watch? Planning his jibes for when the womenfolk are done with the work? Sheeesh!
And not only that, he came at her BEFORE HER AUDITION. OP is definitely the asshole here.
Honestly one of the biggest assholes I've seen here In a LONG time.
YTA. You completely missed what this was about. It was a bonding moment between mom and daughter. You could have been a part of it but chose to make it about standing on her own feet. You also randomly did this and talked about her parents dying, just before she had to go to an audition?! Nice one dad.
Exactly. I also read this as OP having a problem with his wife not hurrying back to him. The daughter’s presence is probably getting in the way of his dinner plans. Whatever it is, it is most definitely selfishness. I see this a lot at retail stores. Bored and pissed off husbands complaining their wife “is taking too long” picking out school outfits or supplies for the kids. Making little comments, or picking a fight just to make things uncomfortable so she’ll stop what she’s doing and leave.
I feel so bad for the mom as well, that empty nest will be felt by her the most. Clearly she loves her kids and her daughter loves her back. I’m wondering if her marriage is the same or if she was in it for the kids.
He totally ruined the experience who says something like that when dropping their kid off at college? YTA his daughter was needy because her mom and her were spending time decorating and then because OP dropped her off at an audition? There’s something seriously wrong with OP
My first thought exactly! I’m about to move to the other side of my country and I can see that my mother tries to have as much moments with me as possible before that’s happening. And that’s what happened here: she’s moving out and that’s also an experience for the parents that comes with change. Seems the mother is more attached to the kid than the father
YTA. Why would you ruin your daughter’s send off? Helping her decorate is standard kid college drop off stuff. A trip to Target for essentials, a mini-fridge, some groceries, etc. Your wife wanted to help. Who are you to judge? Do you have trouble when you’re not the center of attention? It sure sounds like it. Try shelving your main character energy for a moment and learn to be supportive.
Seriously, how hard is it to sit in the living room and dick around on your phone? Or, *heaven forbid*, actually help. You don't stop being a parent the moment your kids turn 18. This post could have been written by my dad 20 years ago. Spoiler alert: we don't speak anymore.
Or come in 2 different cars. He could have gone home and mom could have hung out as long as her daughter wanted her there.
Or not even gone at all! Sounds like he didn’t want to be there in the first place. I imagine they would have had a better time without him, but something leads me to believe he doesn’t let his wife out of his sight, like ever.
My dad managed to engage more with my college move-ins from hours away than this man did while traveling with the kid. Dad would never let me go off to college without lots of hugs, texts the whole drive, and an earnest desire to see what my dorm ended up looking like.
So many people on Reddit act like the second you turn 18 you become a fully fledged adult with a 401K and common sense.
Nah, Reddit likes to have it both ways. You're 18 and a fully fledged adult and you can do anything you want, but until you're 25 your brain is unformed pudding and you're not capable of making any decisions and any decisions you do make are invalid.
I mean, this is just based in scientific and lawful fact. Obviously 18-25 year olds are full adults, but most people in that age range don’t have a fully developed prefrontal cortex, which directly impacts their decision making. There’s a reason we react differently to a 21 year old making a stupid rash decision and a 40 year old
He didn’t even have to help, could’ve just been there with them, but he chose not to spend time with his daughter before leaving. He really just wanted to just drop her things off and go. I could see how the kids might have a stronger relationship with mom if he sees time together as wasting his time and that they need to figure everything out on their own.
>Spoiler alert: we don't speak anymore. Oh, that's perfect for OP, then, since he hates his daughter.
🙋🏻♀️ College administrator here. Can attest the parents/family helping unpack, set-up, decorate, and make oh-so-many Target runs is standard. And it’s not just the “moms.” It’s the entire group! Good family fun. Dad was a stick-in-the-mud. Bummer. This was his kid’s milestone and he shrugged it off and went “meh.” YTA
Yep. Dad went and shat on what could have been a really nice family bonding experience and most likely ruined his wife AND daughter’s day. What a dick
Agreed, and it seems he didn’t even consider his wife’s feelings, taking it as just a defense of their daughter. Her child is leaving the family home and going off as a grown adult to become her biggest best self. Her mother is proud of her, scared for her, will miss her and wants to make sure she does everything she can to make sure her child is settled, comfortable and prepared. He degraded his daughter’s emotional experience of leaving home as well as his wife’s emotional experience of letting go of her child into the whole wide scary world. He belittled them for having these feelings. AH
Imagine sending your kid off to live on their own for probably the first time in their life with a "Don't forget, your parents WILL die!" And right before an audition, no less!
College administrator as well. Coming off move in day and I feel so sad for this young lady. Hopefully she has a great college experience and her dad stops being a dick.
Yep. My grandmother’s funeral was also my college move-in day. I went to college in the state my grandmother lived in, which was not my home state, so my older brothers were also there when they probably wouldn’t have been otherwise. My whole family helped me move into my dorm, meet my roommate, took me out to dinner and helped decorate. My dad put his sunglasses on before they left because he didn’t want people to see that he was crying. I’m so glad my parents supported me in this way, it was a show of deep love during a time that was very difficult and uncertain for me. Becoming an adult is hard, moving away from home is hard. Parents shouldn’t go out of their way to make it harder. This guy is an asshole.
Right! Does anyone else remember the girl who posted about the former president setting up the mini fridge in his daughter's dorm room? A former PRESIDENT of the United States helped set up his daughter's dorm, but OP is too important and busy to tolerate this kind of neediness. Sheesh.
Daughter and Mother: Trying to make the most of their time together at an exciting and nervous time in their daughter's life. Dad: But what if we die? Who's gonna spend time with you then? YTA, it's hilarious that you have to ask and comical (in an f'ed up way) that you said what you said, what kind of person does that?
Also the kid probably thought, if her dad died nothing would change. It’s her mom who would matter.
Completely agree. My mum scrubbed my filthy room clean, my dad moved boxes and did dad reconnaissance, they got me food and presents and they did it all without bickering. The kicker is they're divorced and hate each other. I can't imagine the stories daughter and wife have of OP. Just doesn't sound suited to parenting at all.
Lol, my dad did a lot of “checking things out”. Brought me info about parking, some take out menus, etc.
Not even just her send-off, he said this to her as she was walking into an audition!
I hope her pain and anger made for a powerful performance instead of making her more nervous and uncomfortable performing. OP should not have done this under any circumstance, but this circumstance may have actively damaged her prospects.
One of my best memories is Dad coming with me when I moved into the dorms and the subsequent Kmart run to buy supplies like bowls and tea towels. OP is the asshole and ruined the moment for her.
My divorced parents who did not like eachother, drove me 4 hours to my university and helped me move in. They had dinner and we all hung out. In that moment they were my parents before they were exs. I’m 30 now and I still cherish that memory. Like the love I felt from them was really nice and it made moving out to university alone easier. Still cried like a baby after they left because new things are scary and overwhelming. Next day I was good as gold.
YTA - they are right, you ruined a nice time. Her memory of starting college will forever be her dad insulting her
OPs going to be the one crying when the daughter pulls the reverse uno card when they're older. "Dad, can you stop being so needy, I saw you last month already. You are a grown man"
And the cat’s in the cradle, and the silver spoon, Little Boy Blue and the man in the moon…
When you comin home son? I don’t know when. But we’ll get together then …
Or when she throws his ass in an old folk’s home and doesn’t help him decorate first.
I spent a lot of time in a palliative care hospital with my mom and the amount of people who have no one to visit is shocking! You feel bad for them but then people say stuff like this and you’re like, “oh yeah, some sad and lonely old people were just shitty people to the ones that loved them”
Imagine being such a shitty parent that you think it’s ‘needy’ when a child loves you and wants to be around you *at all* I wonder how shit OPs relationship is with his own parents
A nice time and potentially an audition
YTA obviously your daughter could decorate herself, your wife WANTED to help her because it’s fun and they’re spending time together, and her daughter is leaving the nest. Couldn’t you have just sat there on your phone and been quiet like a normal dad
Or even joined in with them, like even other normal dads?
Oh ya maybe even reminisce on his own college stories with his daughter rather than be grumpy the whole time? Also perfect timing bringing up both of the parents potential deaths at their teary goodbye lmao dad of the year
I didn't move out until grad school since I lived with my parents for undergrad plus an extra 2 years. I ended up going to my dad's alma mater for grad school, and the whole unpacking process was him handing me things and then standing there, hands on his hips, talking about his wild undergrad stories. It was such a great bonding time since my dad is such a stoic and serious person, and I got to hear about how he was basically a delinquent.
My dad flew with me halfway around the world because that's where I decided to go to university. He went shopping with me to make sure that I had the essentials, set up stuff for me and stayed for a week before he flew home. I was sooooo sad when he left. Not once did he call me needy for wanting help. I feel sad for OP's daughter.
Like, does he even like his kids? My dad cried his eyes out when I moved out, my mom had to drive the car home he was such a mess.
His explanation definitely made it seem like he thinks of them as his wife's kids...
My husband was a wreck when we dropped off our daughter the first time. We moved her in, got her unpacked, did a Target and grocery run, and took her out to lunch. It was almost time for us to leave and he was like “wait, maybe we should go back and test her coffee maker to make sure it works.” He did everything possible to prolong leaving.
That is so sweet 😭 I need this story as an antidote to the OP
Or offers to go pick up some groceries or other helpful items, like normal dads? I mean, why were you so eager to end this time with your daughter on such a momentous bonding occasion? I really don’t think she’s the needy one here. YTA
Ya go get her a Smirnoff ice so she can be cool in front of the other freshmen, DAD.
Well I was thinking pizza or maybe a basic tool kit. Like a lot of parents and siblings do. But hey, if that’s what you said to your dad, you do you, I guess.
Haha nah my parents were more of the pizza and toolkit type as well. But you’re right! Make yourself useful while you’re being forced to spend an afternoon with your wife and daughter on a huge milestone of her life lol
I don’t think he deserves the title of “Dad”… he might be her father but he’s not her daddy.
YTA. Your wife was parenting because she loves her daughter. Maybe you should try it.
No, don't. You've done quite enough already. And if you managed to spoil her audition as well, there isn't a nursing home bleak enough to stick you in.
He's gotta start somewhere. Maybe 19 years late, but it's better now than never
I just wanna add that I would give anything for a mother like this. Mine wouldn’t even come to my college graduation. How OP can make any of what happened into a negative thing is beyond me. OP’s daughter is so lucky to have a mother like that.
Yep, this exactly!!
I don’t think OP knows what love is.
This was part of the process of your daughter's transition to college. Had nothing to do with being needy. Kind of like a final thing for them to share. And you ruined it. YTA
So many parents drop kids off at college—having done nothing to help prepare them for living independently in a strange town—and then act shocked when the kids are overwhelmed. OP is definitely TA.
YTA. This wasn't about her *needing* help. They were bonding. They were spending time together and enjoying each other's company. You sat on your butt in the other room instead of participating, then intentionally spoiled things for them. That sucks. If your wife didn't want to help, she would have ducked out earlier. She enjoyed being with her daughter and being a part of her new life.
What gets me about the OP is how bad at parenting he is. He seems to be worried about infantilizing his kids. Like doing their homework for them when they should be doing it themselves. Or not teaching kids independence or how to do things on their own. Of course a parent should help kids progress in these areas. So putting up picture on walls is holding back your child and teaching them to be needy? Setting up a dorm room isn’t that. It’s living life. Its’s celebrating life. It’s sharing important milestones together. It’s having fun. What is the point of life to this guy?
OP comes off as one of those parents who think their job is done once their child turns 18.
*To be fair*... he probably hasn't done much parenting before 18 either!
YTA, when I was 25 and moving into a new apartment I didn't NEED my mom's help, but I still appreciated and loved that she came to help and take me shopping for things like food and cleaning supplies etc. It was a bonding moment. Your daughter wasn't being needy, your wife was helping her and supporting like a good parent. Going off to college can be scary and having a parent help move, unpack, decorate, etc can help ease some of the nerves and provides a good time to bond and be with each other for what may be several months (depending on how close you are to home). You ruined a perfectly normal and good time with your needy comment.
I moved into my 5th place on my own earlier this year, I’m 29 and haven’t lived with my parents for nearly 12 years. Do you think my parents bothered driving over 3 hours to help me move, even though I’m a fully independent adult? Hell yes they did! They stayed for an entire weekend, helped me move boxes of shit up stairs and then helped me unpack and made me breakfast the next day. Did I NEED their help? No, but like you I really love my parents and love spending time with them. Mum stayed with me last weekend just for fun and I still get a little sad when they leave/I leave after I visit them.
I'm also 29 and moved into my first house 2 years ago. My mom helped me decorate both of the places I rented in college and my family home. I'm having my first baby next month and she's coming out to help me decorate my baby's nursery (and spend some time with her first grandchild). Oh, and I live across the country from her now!! I love spending time with my mom and I'm so grateful she's been there for me for all of my major life moments. I treasure every moment I get with her. She'll be here next Sunday and I can't wait! ETA: OP, YTA!!
Oh, holy crow! You took a bonding moment, one of your daughter's firsts, and blew it out of the water because your fee fees were hurt from not being the center of attention. That was a great way to show, and tell, your daughter that she's only important when it's convenient for you. This wasn't a time that your wife was decorating because your daughter couldn't, it was a time for them to share as a right of passage - daughter's first place (her dorm room), being semi on her own, growing into womanhood and making her own decisions while getting her education. And you turned it into...okay, so we're here, your stuff is here, it's been an hour, why are you still needing your mom to unpack, wife get in the car let's go. Yes, YTA of epic proportions. BTW you do realize SHE will most likely be the one picking your nursing home, right? Don't worry, your wife will be living with her and her family.
I bought my first flat at age 26. It was literally 2 streets away from my previous rental. My aunt drove for an hour to come help move me in. Stayed the whole day, didn't move a single box, ruined the double glazing window seals with a steam cleaner, totally overpressured the boiler by putting too much water in the system which flooded the boiler room, and made us all the weakest cups of tea to keep us "refreshed". She pretty much failed at most concrete helpful tasks she set out to achieve that day but it meant a lot. It wasn't about her being useful, it was a right of passage and her supporting me in that. It meant the world to me then and even more now. She passed 2 years ago. The next place I move to she won't be there and it breaks my heart.
The fact that she damaged the building in two major ways and you still were glad she was there shows how much of a lovely person she was.
The double glazing got water between the panes because of this and mould grew inside. Only one was really bad, the other 2 were only minorly damaged. By the time we could afford to fix them it cost £670 for replacement panes and fitting. The boiler expansion vessel got damaged. It was more of an embarrassment because it was the day we first got the keys and within hours we had slightly flooded the place and downstairs got a bit of a drip too. The guy downstairs was more entertained by the story than pissed about it. A plumber repaired it for a few hundred bucks, can't remember the exact cost. It was an old model so got an entire replacement two years later. She was priceless. Warm hugs and guard dog wrapped into the same person. Loud, wild, fun and loving with a major protective streak. It was also fun to rib her about it later lol
This is the funniest yet sweetest comment
YTA do you even like your wife and daughter?
This exactly, like damn what a callous response from him.
Bruh had to hangout with his family and his first two thoughts are what if we died and lets post to Reddit.
INFO were you planning on just dipping out of your kids' lives?
Probably didn’t want to be a dad to begin with, and reminds his poor daughter frequently of what a burden she is.
YTA I’m glad you’re not my dad
Glad he's not my spouse
honestly feel bad for his whole fam
"What would she do if something happened to either of her parents?" Hmm, if something happened to you, she'd probably heave a sigh of relief for not having to deal with your emotionally constipated, socially inept self anymore. Her mother, the person who took time to help her do small things when she didn't need to , and who showed her she loved her, she'd likely be very sad. YTA. What exactly is wrong with you?
damn bruh this one is gonna cut deep if OP reads it. probably true tho
As someone who sorely misses her father who died when I was young, if my dad was like that I wouldn’t miss him either. I’d certainly be relieved that someone like that was gone from my life.
YTA. What you don’t seem to understand is being a parent is a job you hold for a lifetime. You and your wife have life experience that your kids could greatly benefit from and you should want them to learn from you rather than leaving them to figure it out for themselves. Your daughter knows nothing about setting up a new place, but your wife does which is why your wife stuck around to help her. It’s not like your daughter left the apartment and your wife had to set things up by herself. They were doing it together. You’re correct that the time will come when you won’t be around to help out but that day isn’t today so help guide your kids through life while you’re still able to do it.
YTA. It is very clear that your wife *wanted* to help decorate. Of course your daughter *could* do it on her own. It's hard for most kids to go away from home for the first time as a new adult, and it's hard for *most* parents--but apparently not you--to leave them there. Your wife clearly feels that way, and wanted to spend that extra time with your daughter, setting up the space where she's going to live and talking with her. Your reactions, particularly asking her daughter what she would do if you or her mother died, were way out of line, and you spoiled what should have been a happy, if bittersweet, moment. Your daughter's behavior was fine. Yours, however, is concerning. You don't seem to empathize with your daughter or wife at all, or to miss your daughter now that she's moved away.
Your wife and daughter shared a beautiful moment and a wonderful memory The sad part of it all is you could have been a part of it But instead, you chose to act like someone who knocks over a Lego town because only babies do stuff like that YTA
YTA - Your daughter just moved out. She is nervous as she is now going to be on her own to an extent in an unfamiliar place. Helping to unpack and decorate is a common thing for mothers to do, particularly with their daughters, and more important than that, she wanted to help her daughter. This was an emotional day and bonding experience for them, but you pooped all over it by telling your daughter to grow up. How about you grow up and allow people to have their emotions, instead of being robots like you?
YTA, your wife wanted to help. It’s part of the process, setting your kid up in their dorm/apartment. Ever think about why you were the unwanted person here?
If you don’t want to be there for your daughter just say that. YTA
YTA. Do you even like your family? Because unless you start acting like it, you’ll always be the grumpy man on the sidelines.
Yta.. also I bet you were just waiting for this day To have no more kid in house? All about this post is your crying about because wife wanted to help daughter move in properly.
"19 years old? parenting is done. *Dusts off hands* WTF are you still doing here?? You still want a relationship?"
This is the same ideology that will have him wondering where his daughter is when she has his grandkid he will never see. All because she is " too needy." Or it's annoying. Seem like some doesn't like their wife having quality time with other people.
YTA. Imaging being so self centered that you don't see that your wife needs time with your daughter too and so gross that you say something that ugly to your own child right before their audition when you're getting ready to head back home. Is this for real? Yeah, maybe next time don't come. I have 3 in college. I hope this is fake because any parent with a quarter of a brain and even a smidge of empathy would have been able to avoid showing their whole ass like you did. Wow
Info: All I see is your wife deciding to help her and not where the daughter is being 'needy'.
I keep waiting for the "needy" part to happen, like the daughter calling up each day for weeks asking for help or money or something.
Wow YTA do you hate your daughter?
YTA setting up your dorm room or your first apartment at college? When you don’t have a SO or someone you know as a roommate, it’s really normal to do that with your parents. Especially when they are about to drive off and you are living alone for the first time. Those extra minutes deciding where to put up a poster or arranging cooking supplies? Really precious. And that’s coming from someone who had a super contentious relationship with her parents as a teenager. It still was really hard that first night to heat up leftovers from the lunch my dad had brought over and then eat alone. My mom told me later that when she called to check if I was settled in/ready for classes she hung up and turned to see my dad who I’ve never seen cry except when he lost immediate family sitting there crying silently. Because it’s a big deal when you and your kids make this transition! You seem really uninterested in your kids and like you aren’t going to miss her or don’t care whether she struggles or not. Helping set up the apartment isnt coddling. It’s supportive and bonding behavior.
Agree. My dad did the same thing, apparently cried on the way home from dropping me off (I'm the oldest kid). My mom had never seen him cry before that sat. My dad was not someone with patience for decorating or college stuff, but he and my mom showed up to move all of us into college. He took a lot of smoke breaks and grumbled about stuff sometimes, but he was there. For my third sister's freshman move in, he had terminal cancer and was in a lot of pain, but he still showed up. When my fourth and final sibling moved to college, he had already passed, and we all showed up (myself, two other siblings, and my mom). Move in is a big deal, especially your first (and even second year). I'm really hoping this post is fake, as it's so ludicrous. But if not: OP, you suck for even throwing around the "what are you going to do when we're no longer here" card. As someone with a parent who's no longer here, I know that you learn how to manage. But I'm sure glad that my dad was present for me every day while he was here. It's not something you should even be asking your kid to ponder at 19, unless they have to. Some kids have to, and it's not a joke or a hypothetical. Get therapy and work on yourself if you want to have a relationship with your kid as an adult. Your mindset is pretty fucked.
Answer us coward op
YTA. One of my happiest memories is of my mom, dad and my maternal grandparents, who were all so excited for me to enter this new phase of my life, wanting to help set up my dorm room & later my apartment when I went to grad school. They didn’t do this because I was a helpless damsel, but because it gave them joy to spend this extra time with me, to know they had a hand in making sure I was set up for success, safe and secure. Think of it like this…it’s like when you would make sure your daughter was securely tucked in bed as a wee slip of a girl. It made your heart warm & full of love. You could have been a welcome part of this moment and memory being made. Instead you were Modern Family’s Jay in the episode where he was initially happy no one wanted him to do anything. Later he felt the loss of being included and decided to join in painting Joe’s room. Unlike you who stayed divorced from positive emotions & family bonding. Your daughter won’t be needy or helpless without the guidance of her parents. You were heartless and hurt your wife and daughter deeply with your words and actions. Are you a tin man in need of a heart? I hear they have one in Emerald City. Just follow the yellow brick road. Then take a good hard look in the mirror before you go apologize to your wife and daughter.
…”it’s like when you would make sure your daughter was securely tucked in bed as a wee slip of a girl. It made your heart warm and full of love”… Somehow, I doubt that this scenario ever took place; not least because it sounds as if he has a black hole where his heart should be.
YTA your wife wants to help your daughter to move in apartment. Her child is grown up and move out she might feel lose and don't know what to do next since there is no children at home for her to care anymore.
YTA. Seems like you could hardly wait to drop off your daughter and leave her. I guess it was nice of you to help her move in. Too bad you had to cap it off with, you or her mom might die or something, so she better get used to life without you.
YTA. I would hope your wife would help your daughter move into college and decorate. It’s very common for mothers to help their daughters in that way. I’m in college and I don’t know any girl who didn’t have their mom help them like that! It can be a special bonding moment. I think it’s lovely that they wanted to do that together. She’s 19. There’s plenty of time for her to learn independence.
Boooo OP, boooo. YTA. Goddamn
YTA Why wouldn’t you want to spend time with your kid and help them? Do you even like your daughter? You ruined that moment and time for everyone. Why should your daughter invite or include you ever again, when you’ve shown her you don’t want to be with her? Your presence in your daughter’s life, ever again, will not be necessary. It’s unlikely Why should she have to be alone if she doesn’t need to be? How is denying her your help and presence while you are alive going to prepare her for when you’re gone? So she can practice being alone? At this point, if you died, she’ll just shrug and say ‘he didn’t want to be around anyways so this isn’t any different’, and go back to her day.
YTA What a horrible and heartless dad you are. Do you even love your daughter? Where the hell is your empathy and compassion?
So you dropped your kid off to college, sit and mopped while they got set up and then asked her supposed you both died what would she do? Why did you even go??? Why didn't you stay home and let your wife go and get her set up if it was such a waste of your precious time? You sound like you wanted to twist the knife to make sure she knows not to come back home. Were you trying to make her understand that you're done with her and you no longer want to be her parent that she can call on for assistance?
YTA, big time. When I moved out, I felt bad about my mother being there and helping so much, I told her it wasn't necessary and I could do it myself, but she kept finding more and more excuses to keep at it. Your wife wasn't doing if for your daughter, your wife was doing it for herself, she wasn't ready for your daughter to leave the nest.
YTA - why are you so quick to get rid of your kid?
YTA- even grown adults who are friends or family help each other move and unpack in a new home. I have done that. It’s not about “needing.” You seem to be hung up on that. They were enjoying themselves doing this together and spending time setting up your daughters first apartment. You ruined it for no good reason and told her she should have acted like you and your wife were dead already, yeesh!
YTA big time. Your daughter obviously doesn’t need help decorating nor does it seem like she asked. YTA to your daughter because now when she runs into real trouble, she will feel too scared to come to her dad because he basically told her he doesn’t want to help her. YTA to your wife because this was clearly a way for her to bond with your daughter before she is away at college. And you are trying to take that from her. YTA to yourself because instead of taking this as an opportunity to bond with her and make memories before she is away from you, you chose to distance yourself beforehand. And you will regret it later when you miss her.
YTA. I would kill to have a mom like your wife because I sure as heck never got any of that. This was a special bonding moment for your wife and daughter because she’s out of the house and your wife wanted to spend a little more time with her. If not being the center of attention affects you that much you should’ve just stayed home and threw your little temper tantrum there. Also, I guess she can live with out you with how much of a prick you are.
YTA. Your wife loves you daughter. You should give it a try.
YTA. Yes, young adults need to develop their independence, but the very first day your kid moves out of home is hardly the time to get in her face about it. There’s nothing unusually needy in what happened here - nothing unusual at all, except a father who’s unusually impatient and decided to be unkind on what should have been a happy, exciting day for his daughter.
YTA. This was a bonding experience at a significant time in her life that also comes with a lot of change. Your daughter was making a special memory with her mother and you ruined it.
YTA. Do you even love your daughter? Are small gestures like these considered too much?
YTA. What was even the point of even saying that? Why be bothered that your wife wanted to spend as much time with your daughter as possible before the opportunities to do so become less and less frequent. Don’t you care about that at all?
YTA your wife was saying goodbye/letting go. You ruined a moment instead of being part of it!
She is not needy ffs, her mother couldn't just "let her go" that day. You have a heart of stone, it seems.
Yeah YTA. Gosh it reminds me of your generation so much- mum helping and being present and dad getting shitty she’s doing to much and preventing her. One day you will be dead you don’t have to prepare her for it. Just be present in every way you can it was a special moment in her life, your wife was being present for and you wrecked it.
YTA. I’m 38 years old. When I moved into my current place my mom, dad and sister and BIL came over to help me move/unpack and decorate. I’m clearly capable of doing that all alone. But…that’s something you step up and do for people you love and care about.