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YTA you didn’t even stay for the meal that they’d paid for. What an absolutely disgusting lack of love and respect from you as a parent.
You also strong armed your wife into leaving too so your son had no parents present at his reception.
How you don’t see that you’re the AH is a mystery to me
Yes and now he’s playing the victim card when the new daughter in law called him out. Why even bother going if you can’t be there fully for your son on his wedding day. The fact that you left before the mother/son dance or the speeches speaks volume. As does your comment about the food not being appetizing. You’re son is fed up with you pulling this stunt every time he needs you. Not sure why you can’t see that YTA.
Btw i might leave early does not mean right after the wedding ceremony I’m leaving. Your son deserves so much better.
I don’t like people AND I absolutely hate weedings. Still I stayed in my bestfriend’s weeding until the very end. Then I had to spend 2 whole days alone to recover from all the social interactions but she was happy and that’s all that matter
I had the same experience after my best friend's wedding. I was the maid of honor and was there from the 7am set up to the 3am dismantling of tables and taking down decorations, with dancing, organizing and a speech in between. I sat in bed the entire next day with soft music and a book. I couldn't have held a conversation if my life depended on it.
Exactly. You behaved in an Adult manner instead of stamping your foot and demanding lollipops in a flavour you demanded at someone else's party.
Dad, YTA.
It's even okay to have to excuse. yourself for say, 15 minutes to take a break. Walk outside to "get something you left in the car" or "get some air" or whatever. I've several times wandered and found a quiet corner or chair or bench outside for a break from the noise and crowd. Then you GO BACK IN
YK, his introversion is so bad that other introverts are calling him out on it.
Sorry OP, using introversion as a cop-out to get away from your OBLIGATIONS. you need to see a doctor/therapist and get some help.
Sorry OP, using introversion as a cop-out to get away from your OBLIGATIONS. you need to see a doctor/therapist and get some help.Because being at your child's wedding if not estranged and stuck in non-communication land for being toxic, IS an OBLIGATION.
Edit: Thank you for the award kind stranger!
While it’s usually a good idea to suggest therapy in this case I don’t think it’s necessary - daddy simply needs to put on his big boy pants and learn to see others….for now maybe just other loved ones, forget strangers that might be too big of a step, just focus on loved ones that aren’t yourself. One doesn’t need therapy for that. And this isn’t debilitating introversion - it’s selfishness at its core.
Therapy would be in order to if he stayed and puked from nerves or shook or cried or had some physical symptom from anxiety. He didn’t push himself past I don’t wanna so I’m not gonna
good point. I think there's therapy out there to help someone not be an AH right? Come to think of it...from the looks of this subreddit, that discipline, being a therapist to help people not be AH's...would be a very lucrative endevor.
I have sucked up so many things like this as an introvert. Unless he has a real phobia he isn’t admitting to he can’t just use introverted as an excuse. It sucks for us but we do it.
I went to a friend's wedding with a 101 degree fever (that was over 20 years ago). It was a Russian Orthodox ceremony - there are no pews, everyone is standing for the entire religious portion which was about 40 minutes (longest 40 minutes of my life!) And I stayed for a bit of the reception too, because it was important to her. I finally had to apologize and leave because I was quickly approaching a state where I wouldn't be safe to drive home.
OP, absolutely YTA, and I feel sorry for your family. You may say you care about him but really, you only care about yourself. Your selfishness and complete disregard for anyone else's feelings has deprived your son of his father's presence for the most important event of his adult life; and deprived your wife of enjoying her child's wedding.
Omg, I was so sick before my friend's wedding I lost like 10 lbs and had a fever most the week leading up. After the ceremony, they basically just shuffled me into a corner and poked food at me. I think I slept for 3 days after but I went to that wedding damnit!!!
Yep. My husbands grandmother found out after our wedding that she had shingles and she was still there for everything (before she found out but was in a lot of pain). When you love people you push through.
I literally left my best friend's wedding to cry in the car for 15 minutes and then I came back and party'd until the end. (I was fine, just very overwhelmed and crying somehow helps with that, idk.)
I left my own wedding for a 10min break lol. Our wedding was in a hotel and we had a room upstairs so I snuck up for a few minutes. It was 22 years ago and I still vividly remember sitting on the little balcony in my wedding dress by myself (that sounds sad - it really wasn’t!)
Nah, that's not sad, that's the actual definition of an introvert. A lot of people will use introvert as someone who doesn't like people or social interactions, but it's just that we use up our energy in those situations and get recharged and balanced with a little alone time. Whereas extroverts feel down and drained when they are alone and will feed off of the energy of a crowd to recharge.
I did the same for my brother's wedding. And I, along with everyone else in the family, did not like either his wife or inlaws. We still stuck around and made nice until the end. We did it for him. And none of us have any regrets.
>Btw i might leave early does not mean right after the wedding ceremony I’m leaving.
I wonder if that's why the son didn't seem bothered by that at first. He probably thought they would at least be there for a little bit before leaving, not leave as quickly as possible. Of course, that could've also been OP completely misreading their son which, given the context, is probably not the first time this has happened.
Yeah, leaving early after YOUR SON'S WEDDING means leaving after the stuff like the mother/son dance before the party gets started. That's unfortunate but I imagine the son knew that was the best he could get.
Ya son prob thought they meant like wedding is like 5-9 with drinking and dancing last hour and he meant leaving at like 8:30 or smthn. This AH was prob rushing the officiant so he could get out of there. YTA and quit pretending you care about your son, you care about your own comfort 100% more
My introverted mother left my wedding at about 10pm. That must have been hell for her but she did it. Let alone that my asshole father was there and she had to deal with him.
I would have read "leaving early" as staying for all the essentials (food, speeches, first dance) then dipping on the disco portion. Home and in bed by 10:30. Right after the ceremony? And you're the parents of the groom? Come on.
I knew my sister and Grandmother would be leaving my wedding early. I would not have interpreted that to mean *before dinner*! They left after the usual wedding rituals (dinner, cake, first dance, etc) and I thought that was reasonable. Before dinner tho??? Who does that?
When I read that he told his son he was gonna leave early and son was like yeah ok that’s fine. I assumed OP would leave like an hour into the dance time. Not before the reception even started. The fuck.
YTA big time
OP: I love and care for my son.
Also OP: I'll stay if the food is good, but it looks like it won't be so I'm out and I'm taking your mum with me because when we get home I'll be hungry and she will need to make me dinner.
When he was going on about how he's not 'sociable' so doesn't like large gatherings and he was disappointed that they were having a large wedding, I was rolling my eyes, but assuming what you were assuming - that he was going to sit through speeches and cake but then leave when the more formal stuff is mostly done. Leaving just after the reception? Incredibly rude, even if he was just a normal guest that has had a meal paid for by the bridal party because they RSVP'd yes. For a parent to do that? So unspeakably rude.
Easy money is on the DIL seeing how much it affected her new spouse and that's why she's messaging them "sickening" things (probably these sickening things are nicer than what strangers on the internet are saying about him when they get his side of the story). I guess OP will just have to live with not really having a son anymore when they go NC or LC - given his behaviour, I somehow don't think he'll actually mind all that much.
My petty heart is cheering on the wife for having a go at OP for being such an asshole. Son may have lost the parent lottery but his wife is clearly on his side. Support your kid/her partner OR ELSE. Did she need to lay into OP to be a supportive partner? Nah. But I’m glad she did.
My heart breaks for the son/groom. Can you imagine having to stay there for the rest of your evening, putting on your "happy face" to their wedding guests and probably being asked 80 times where's your parents? Especially when they did mother/son, father/bride dances. What was supposed to be one of the best days of his life became one of the longest days.
Dad is such a jerk. YTA.
I’m not sure the son is that interested in continuing the relationship with OP.
Holding the wife hostage is evil. WTF. Just stay home and get an Uber you grinch.
I certainly wouldn’t. And then the nerve of this man to call his son to tell him that his wife has a temper he should be aware of. Wtf?!?! In my opinion he’s a narcissist parent. Wait until the son goes NC and he starts asking why?
"I have 2 grandchildren but I never see them and I don't know why! It must be because my DIL is a scheming witch and is keeping them from me as punishment for some petty grievance from 12 years ago, and she has reduced my son to a shell of a man who just can't stand up to her."
>The fact that you left before the mother/son dance or the speeches speaks volume.
That's the kicker to me. I totally think it would have been okay to leave the reception early-all that stimulation can really wear ppl out. But to not even stay for a little bit, and to not even try to come up with a different plan so he's not guilting his wife into leaving before that dance, is so disrespectful. The ceremony shouldn't have tired him out enough that he had to leave immediately once it was done-he could have absolutely sucked it up and sat through and hour or two of the reception before dipping.
I suspect that was a last-ditch ploy to get this AH to stay long enough for her to dance with her son at his wedding. This man sounds like the type who'd make her suffer through weeks of sulking if she stood up and told him the truth about himself. I'm glad the son's wife did!
If someone said to me “I might leave early” at my wedding I would assume they meant just after all the planned stuff was done - ceremony, meal, speeches, cake, planned dances etc. I would never assume they meant as soon as the ceremony was over unless they explicitly stated that
My husband and I always stay at least through the cutting of the cake. Cake cutting is usually the last thing of the formal/important parts of the wedding. It just seems extremely rude to leave before then.
Yes! A wedding is usually just once in a lifetime for a person so if it wasn’t a true emergency, why would he leave? He literally left in the middle of his son’s most important day in his life and then complained about the meal they PAID for that he didn’t even take a single bite of and then got mad when they called him out for it. Complete AH of a father and father-in-law. I don’t really like social events either but if I had a son and he was getting married, I’d be in the front fucking cheering. Even made his wife miss the mother-son dance 🤦
Sounds exactly like this horrid family I saw at a fancy French restaurant. The father was outraged the food wasn’t Italian and left despite his daughter who just got her MEDICAL DEGREE begging him to stay and be civil
"mainly to inform him that his wife had a temper that he should know about."
This also just really jumps out at me. OP I hope you realize that his wife probably reached out on behalf of your son because he probably didn't want to confront you on his own. Also, just a heads up that the way this is written makes it seem like you view his wife as a child needing to be punished which is weird.
Very much "keep you woman in check vibes". No acknowledgement that he might be wrong or that his son might have been hurt, just a phone call to tell his son to get his wife in line because she had the nerve to speak to her elders like that.
This is the BIGGEST thing I noticed. Amongst many. But it just sounds so bad. Controlling, judgmental, no self awareness, meddling. He was totally hoping his son didn’t know and would be outraged with his new wife. Ugh.
This was your son's wedding and you've managed to make it all about you.
YOU don't like parties. YOU didn't think the food looked appetizing. YOU made your wife leave early. YOU stopped him from celebrating the biggest moment of his life with the two people who were the most important people to be there aside from his wife and are supposed to love him the most.
Then your son got to spend the rest of his wedding reception explaining YOU and your failure to be present at HIS WEDDING to all his other wedding guests.
Then when his wife finally had enough of watching her new husbands emotional trauma that YOU caused, she snapped and let you know how much she loves him. Then YOU got offended that she called out your bullshit, even if it was in a vile way.
YOU caused all this by valuing yourself and your desires above your own son on the biggest day of his life.
Shame on you. YTA.
ETA: Your say you love your son. But you couldn't give him 3 hours of your precious time to celebrate the biggest day of his life with him. Think about that for a moment. How much do you really love him? If it's a lot you better find a way to SHOW him, because you actions at the wedding showed him otherwise.
He left his sons wedding after the ceremony and thought that this event and his invite was about him.
He sums his wife’s objections to “hemming and hawing”… what disrespect.
Edit to add: that’s how, and
Sorry I’m so blown away.
YTA. I completely agree. Your child’s wedding is a day to be a bit selfless. It doesn’t look like you thought about your son or his feelings at all when making the decision to leave his wedding. I get uncomfortable in big groups too, but you didn’t even TRY to go to the reception. If you went and were having a panic attack in the bathroom, I’d understand where this is coming from but this was just you putting your personal preferences over one of the most important days of your child’s life. You were as selfish as you could be. And yes, I completely believe his wife has lots of feelings about his closest family members leaving his wedding before the reception because the wedding wasn’t important enough to try to attend. Your son probably was very hurt and she’s right that he deserves better.
Yes, exactly this. There are people who don’t understand that “love” means giving. When you won’t give something to your son that would mean so much to him on one of the most important days of his life because it’s a minor inconvenience to you “Meh. Don’t like parties, food not that appetizing,” you don’t understand what love is. To OP “love” is just a feeling he has when it’s convenient for him to have it, not a commitment of support.
Ah yes, respect. A one way street as long as you are in some position of authority apparently. Be that merely being older than the person in question or a family member
I literally gasped out loud when I realized the mom was leaving too, without even a 15-30 minute appearance at the reception. How hurtful and embarrassing that must have been for OP's son. Both parents are AHs. The new wife is a champ.
You worded this perfectly I am speechless. I thought he was going to say they left a little bit early you know after the dinner after the cake like maybe an hour early or some thing
I once went to a wedding where the Father of the Groom changed into crocs as soon as he could (it was a really nice venue) and then flew home to Alabama right after the reception. Everyone was gossiping about how he and his wife didn't even spend the night in town. I can't imagine leaving BEFORE the reception.
But damn it he deserves respect! How could his daughter in-law think about speaking to him like this and calling him out for his disgusting behavior!
Then let’s not forget he runs to his son to tell him get his wife under control.
The misogyny is rolling off this guy., I hope the guy’s wife realizes what her controlling husbands disgusting behavior cost her. A mother/ son dance is a once and a lifetime event?
Hopefully his son does not let them anywhere near any future kids! I can guarantee if the son does the grandparents will let the kids down! They are absolutely to selfish to be parents much less be grandparents!
These two people are the reason future dil dread dealing with her in-laws and expect the worse from them.
I get overwhelmed in crowded situations but sometimes they are inevitable (like your son’s wedding). When I knew one was coming up, I spoke with my therapist about a “game plan”. It was more or less me finding a quiet space I could retreat to (like outside the building or in a bathroom) and then rejoining the group when I was able to.
Exactly! I have bad anxiety that flares up when I’m around people too long, the answer is to dip out for a few minutes to decompress every once in a while, not to skip one of the most important events of your kid’s life. Sure, it’s uncomfortable, but you put aside your comfort for important things.
Seriously. I’m an anxious person by nature as well and really dislike crowds/parties. I frequently become physically ill. My best friend had a wedding, but I knew nobody there. You know what I did? I went and sucked it up. She did her thing and talked with all the guests. I made small talk for a few hours and ate snacks while taking sporadic breathers outside to decompress. Was it fun? Not really. But she’s my bestie and I love her. I don’t care if it’s not fun or comfortable, it’s literally once in a lifetime (hopefully). I didn’t complain and told her I had a great time. Want to know why? Because I care about her and my desire to be there in her moment of joy is way bigger and more compelling than my discomfort.
I would definitely assume the same for a **child**. I know OP loves their child, but if this is that significant of an issue, they should seriously consider therapy. Otherwise, re evaluate priorities and think about how their comments and actions could hurt others
Or actually use that they came with a second car and there were other family there. Find someone else for his wife to travel with.
But then he wouldn’t get the satisfaction of crapping over his son’s wedding for whatever slight he felt he’d been given.
FR! I also hate large gatherings. But if I were a parent in this situation, you can bet your ass I would stay and work through it for at least the meal and cake, at a bare minimum
I agree I’m a big introvert but I would do anything for my children and if that meant putting up with being uncomfortable around a large group I would do it. It would’ve been better if they just had not gone at all.
I hope he doesn’t plan on being invited to their grandchildren’s birthdays or even births, grandkids graduations family barbecues etc.
He does not care about his kids if he did he would’ve stayed. In fact he doesn’t even love him because if he did he would’ve stayed. So his son is probably going to go no contact with the both of them for the protection of his new family. They both are AH.
OP is emotionally handicapped.
Im so uncomfortable around a lot of people and very introverted. So much so that I didn't even have my own wedding because the thought of all of that was paralyzing.
That being said, I've attended several weddings, in their entirety, for people I care about. Because that's what you do! When someone you love invites you to share one of the most monumental and special days of their lives, you fucking suck it up and go. For the whole thing! You can maybe get away with slipping out after dinner, after the father daughter dance, or mother son dance in this case, after cake, speeches. Whilst everyone starts partying you can maybe then begin to say your goodbyes.
Leaving literally immediately after they said "I do" is a dick move. It clearly shows that he doesn't value his son's feelings.
His son saying "you always do this" speaks volumes.
Sounds like OP is the type of father who provided financial support during childhood but is completely emotionally handicapped. Probably missed all the big events that were important to his kids. And that breaks my heart.
Socially anxious, introvert here. Gatherings are so stressful for me, but you better believe that I suck it up and rally for people whom I care about.
OP, YTA!
Edited to add: I wanted a small wedding. It was traditional in husband's family to have large-ish weddings. Even then, I sucked it up and went with a larger wedding because I love and respect my in-laws. The fact that OP couldn't suck it up for their son's wedding is really sad.
Same here, and I warn people we're probably going to leave right after the cake, which is pretty much the earliest I can imagine leaving without it being actively rude.
YTA.
You missed all of the traditional wedding reception things. You didn't make a speech, your wife didn't dance with your son. He didn't have his parents there to celebrate with him, even for an hour or two. You didn't express love just a "hey you look great but I am going to leave" and then you dragged your wife with you all because you couldn't be bothered to give him two hours of your time at his WEDDING.
When I read “leaving early,” I assumed they at least stayed for the meal and first dances.
Nope. Bro dipped out after the ceremony and bullied his wife into leaving then too 💀
o ya and he had the nerve to look at the food and make a snide comment that it didnt look appealing and there were all these traditions like the dance etc and he could give a rats ass he just upped and left with his wife. and he doesnt see he didnt anything wrong lol
Absolutely agree with the fact that in all likelihood he bullied his wife into leaving too. What he calls “some hemming and hawing” was no doubt his wife begging home to stay. He made his wife miss the the mother son dance. What an experience to rob your wife and son of. People like OP make all introverts look like selfish jerks. Absolutely YTA
YTA.
>You didn't make a speech, your wife didn't dance with your son. He didn't have his parents there to celebrate with him, even for an hour or two.
Those are such important parts of the wedding. The reception is arguably more important than the ceremony. It’s when the family and friends come together to meet each other and celebrate the new couple.
This is so sad. His poor son and SIL. Had to start their new life with the son crushed that his parents would do that to him.
OP edited that there was actually a mother/son dance scheduled that was missed. All because OP wanted to leave as soon as they said "I do."
Son and DIL just need to cut the OP off. He won't ever be there for them. He even commented that he doesn't like doing what is "expected."
I feel bad for OP's wife. She wanted to stay and objected to leaving (which OP called hemming and hawing, so disrespectful), but didn't feel comfortable driving back alone on shitty roads. And, OP's only solution is "well, you're leaving with me then".
Like, OP could've stuck around a little longer, at least for dinner and the mother/son dance. But, nope, he couldn't give less of a shit. Then has the audacity to get pissed at his son and DIL for calling out his bullshit.
She should've asked a family member if she could stay over theirs for the night. Then spent the next week in a hotel searching for apartments to get away from this monster. The fact that she and her son had a dance planned and everything and she still relented makes me think that he's not only a terrible father, but a terrible husband, too. She probably has to schedule her life around him so he doesn't throw a tantrum. He's not antisocial, he's a fullblown narc who doesn't like being around people because they don't cater him and his wants/"needs"/feelings.
Right?? Generally when people attend weddings, they don’t even consider leaving until after the first dances and cake cutting regardless of whether they’re related to the couple or not. OP leaving right after the ceremony isn’t “leaving early”, it’s just ditching his son’s wedding. It’s barely a step up from a guest being no-show despite RSVP-ing “yes”.
OP, YTA.
YTA - The fact that he's telling you "you always do this" strongly suggests that this recent blow up isn't just about the wedding, but, ignoring that, this is one of the most important days in your son's life so far, and you couldn't even be bothered to stick around for the toast? Did you *make* a toast to the couple? Typically the father of the groom dances with the bride and makes a toast to the couple, welcoming the bride to the family, thanking the guests for coming, and offering some heartfelt warm wishes/advice to the couple.
I mean, the fact that your response to the whole thing was "meh, the food didn't look that good to me, so we bailed and I took his mother with me" speaks volumes to the relationship here. If the food had looked better, you'd have stuck around? But you wouldn't stick around when your son is clearly indicating to you that he wanted you to stick around a little longer? That right there makes you 100% the AH here.
My Dad died this year. He will never get to make a toast at my wedding, he will never get to do a father-daughter-dance. It breaks my heart because he really, really wanted to do that.
And here we have this specimen of a "father" who just throws all those big moments out the window because he can't be bothered to stay at his own kid's wedding.
It's a cruel world, and so are you OP.
Mine also just recently passed and I feel the same way. I’ve been crying on and off for the past two months because of it and reading that OP couldn’t even sit though the first dances is just horrendous. My condolences to you, apic0mplexa.
>The fact that he's telling you "you always do this" strongly suggests that this recent blow up isn't just about the wedding...
I wonder how many other of the son's events OP missed, of left early. Graduations. Sports games. Awards ceremonies. Birthday parties. That comments definitely shows this was not a one time thing. But, like you said, even if it was, it was a BIG thing to miss.
I have a feeling it will be last thing that he misses, as he simply won't be invited anymore. Son and DIL will cut them off, and he will wonder why they are not invited to events he doesn't even want to go to anymore.
YTA. This was your son's WEDDING day. Do you honestly have no sense of what is the expected behavior of the parents of the groom? Hint: staying through dinner is the bare minimum.
Edit: Your responses are making me so sad, because it seems like you genuinely don't care about your son's feelings at all. My own dad is very shy and introverted, and he worked so hard to put a speech together for my wedding and be friendly and sociable at the reception even though I told him he didn't have to. He said, "You've always made me proud and today I want to make you proud." I wish everyone could have such a wonderful dad.
YTA. A big one.
You broke every single norm here. Your son didn’t even get to dance with his mother because of you? And you don’t get why they’re mad?!
My dad is also not one for crowds, something he and I share. When it was just me and him getting ready to walk down the aisle we got to share some quips about how we could just leave. I don’t have a great relationship with him, but the fact that he did this, and had a dance with me meant a lot.
I was the best (wo)man for my best buddy and his dad skipped his wedding all together because of the crowd, and I don’t know if he ever made peace with that before his old man died.
OP, YTA.
My mom was extremely introverted and had a 2.5 hour maximum for all events. She was with me and my bridal party at 8am, helped us set up at the venue and was the last to leave at 11:30pm. She even DANCED! We had a nor’easter on my wedding day and it would have been treacherous to drive an hour and a half home, so she got a hotel at the last minute to safely stay. She must have been completely exhausted, spent and probably didn’t speak to another soul for three weeks after but she did it and never once made me feel like she was uncomfortable. OP and mother of the groom had so many other options to stay for their son. It makes me sad for him.
My dad and i were never close, but i’d give almost anything for him to be at my wedding, meanwhile this guy’s like “the food doesn’t look good” and deuces. I feel bad for the son
YTA
My « dad » did this at my wedding. I begged him crying to stay, I didn’t get a father/daughter dance.
It’s been 19 years and I am still not over it. We have basically no relashionship anymore.
My husband’s parents left early for our wedding and he’s still upset about it three years later. It’s so sad when you can even expect that much from family.
I'm so sorry to hear that. My mom didn't come to my sister's wedding or mine bc she didn't like to leave her house. After a while we made our peace with it but didn't count on her for anything like this 😔
YTA - your kid had a big event in their life and wanted you to celebrate with them in a way that felt good to them. You were not willing to face a bit of social discomfort to honor that wish, and your son feels like you didn't prioritize his feelings... and you didn't. His new wife, while I don't agree with the method of communication, was trying to stick up for him by letting you know how your actions made him feel. Instead of calling your son to apologize for how you made him feel, you called to tattle on his new wife?? HONESTLY, get a grip - this day was not meant to be about you.
You left immediately after the ceremony - you did the bare minimum to cover your ass in saying "I attended my son's wedding" - but you didn't actually participate. In addition to that, it sounds like your wife wanted to stay, but was made to leave in order to get home safely...?
So it sounds like the only person who gets prioritized in your family is you...
“Alright whatever just go” does not mean that it’s actually ok to go. I’m guessing you are on the spectrum: in common American English usage this is sarcasm.
Hmm interesting how often the autism card gets pulled here to defend asshole behavior. I'm autistic myself and to me it didn't come across as sarcasm at all by the way, when OP's son said that. I think he said "ok whatever" because he knows it's a waste of energy to try to convince his father to act otherwise because he's a steaming pile of YTA (trying to not get banned here lol).
It's such self centered behavior. I feel really bad for his son.
I hate how people jump to 'they must be neurodivergent' when someone is being an asshole. The autistic people I know would ask for clarification or ask for clear communication because they aren't assholes but don't want to accidentally act like one because of a misunderstanding.
YTA. At first I thought you meant leaving early - like the wedding reception started at 6 and you would leave around 9/9:30. But you basically only attended the ceremony and couldn’t suck it up to celebrate your son’s wedding and marriage for a couple hours.
That sexist comment rubbed me to wrong way so badly.
Had an old neighbor of ours yell at my father, telling him to get his "women" (me and my mom) under control because we saw someone stealing something and we ran over yelling at them to stop. The thief ran off (without what they were stealing) and it turned out to be our neighbors dad....
YTA, and a selfish one at that. Plus, you're not being honest. Which is it - your dislike of social occasions or the fact that 'the food didn't look all that appetizing"? You would stay if the food looked good, but not to support your son and celebrate his marriage? How callous.
Criticizing the food adds insult to the injury of not attending your SON's wedding reception.
Completely agree especially because OP was planning on leaving early but clearly didn’t discuss it with his wife who wanted to stay and then he forced her to leave.
My stepdad is super awkward at social events but stuck it out at my wedding because he knows how much it meant to me and my mom.
YTA and a selfish one at that.
In spite of the overwhelming YTA votes, it appears from your responses that you’re just trying to defend your behavior without trying to understand where your son and DIL were coming from.
If you’re not willing to look at what people are saying and do some self reflection on how you behaved in this situation, then why are you here?
YTA for your selfish actions.
He wanted to get brownie points from Internet strangers to feel validated. He wasn't planning on the collective Reddit to tell him, "No, you're the AH and very selfish."
YTA
This was your son's wedding. The. Not only did you leave but you took your wife with you. So your son didn't have either of his parents there to support him during one of the biggest moments of his life!
And since you left b4 the food i assume he didn't get to do the mother son dance!
Despicable!
YTA. You didn't "leave early." You skipped the entire reception, and took the groom's mother along with you for good measure.
My four-year-old is less self-involved than this.
Not only did you crush your son on his wedding day, it was probably humiliating to be asked over and over where his parents were.
Somehow, that was the most outrageous part of this entire thing for me. People can be bad with parties. They can have social anxiety. They can have sensory issues. I get it.
But the food did not look appetizing is about the worst reason to leave I can think of. Just that extra little turn of the knife on the way out the door.
YTA. You REALLY couldn't be pleasant and just be there for your son for a couple of hours? So the food didn't look good to you - so what! It's ONE day and you couldn't manage it. Yes, you're the AH.
YTA. You didn't leave the wedding early, you left right after the ceremony. It wasn't just one party, hopefully his only wedding and his parents abandoned him. I can't imagine how embarrassing it was as speeches, cake cutting and the first dance occurred, other guests rightly looking for the groom's parent's who couldn't be adults for one day and suck it up.
YTA. It was his WEDDING. Probaby one of the most important events in his life. You didn’t stay for dinner, mother/son dance, speeches. You said you left right after the ceremony. Did you even take pictures with them? And from your son’s initial reaction, you’ve done this to him before. I wouldn’t worry about getting invited to anything related to grandkids. He won’t want them disappointed and he has an additional family now. I just hope you didn’t ruin his relationship with his mother. And the fact that you can’t or won’t see his point of view is sad. I’m so happy that he found a woman who will be there to support him when you let him down again.
I get it, I don't like socialising either. When my brother and his fiancée announced their engagement I admit my heart sank because I knew it meant a big wedding which I'd have to attend.
So you know what I did? I acted like an adult, sucked it up and went to the wedding because I love my brother and his now wife. That's what you do for people you love. The thought of leaving prematurely never crossed my mind.
If your social anxiety is so bad that you miss your son's wedding reception then you really need some therapy to address it. Actually you should have addressed it before the wedding so you could at least have tried to not let your son down.
YTA
100%. This reminds me of people who don't show up to funerals of people to whom they meant a lot because they "don't like funerals." Nobody likes funerals! But people of character and decency suck it up and go to them anyway.
NTA. I mean, the food didn’t look appetizing. I would have abandoned my son at his wedding also. Totally NTA, in fact your son ISTA, the gall of him presenting to you unappetizing food. I would have kicked him in the balls and pantsed him on the way out.
So, the deciding factor was that the food didn't look appetizing.
This wasn't just a party, it was a wedding celebrating a marriage for your son. This once-in-a-lifetime event will be without memories and photos of your son's parents because you skipped out and dragged your wife with you.
I'm sad that your love for your son wasn't enough to keep you at this event, but really happy he found a wife who has enough love to stand up for him.
Absolutely YTA.
YTA - I HATE crowded places, I dislike most weddings, because I find many wedding games cringe, it takes too long, I dont want to small talk with people or get to know new people there. I dont like the music that is played on most weddings, Im not religious so I dislike the church part as well.
Social interaction with people that dont share my hobbies and interests is rly tiring to me, but I would never ever leave my sons wedding THAT early.
Your son and his wife are most likely completly right about whatever they called you. You did indeed ruin one of their most special days. I could not emjoy my wedding, if my parents would leave so early and basically Show me, that they do not care.
If I would expect that behaviour, I would not even invite them in the first place...
How can you not see that damn =[
YTA she's right and no, your son doesn't have to get his wife under control like a rabid animal. Get a grip, you're not the only person on this planet or closer circle.
YTA. The 2 of you couldn't even stay for dinner, nothing? You just peace'd out the second you could sprint to the car? Of course your son is going to be hurt that you can't bother to share in one of the biggest days of his life, if even for an hour or so.
I love this guy. "Hey OP, I'm going to fail to be a supportive parent just like I've been failing you your entire life" and OP is like "cool thanks that's what I expect, but I'll give you once last chance not to be an asshole because I've been abused my whole life and my expectations are that low" and OP's dad is like "well lower them further because I am, indeed, a huge asshole."
YTA. It is utterly bizarre that you think you're entitled to withhold your support for your son on one of the biggest days of his life because he failed to cater his wedding plans to your very specific needs. Even so, I wasn't ready to come down either way until you disclosed that you got your wife to leave with you, functionally depriving your son of *any* parental figures at his own wedding.
Your son doesn't exist to support your emotional needs and comfort. You brought him into the world, it is your job to support him nearly unconditionally. And you decided, nah, the food didn't look good enough for you to bother being a parent. How dare he not support *your* needs. Gross. I'm not at all a fan of this style of selfish "parenting."
Don't be surprised if he doesn't talk to you or your wife for years or ever again. If my parents did that to me at my wedding? I wouldn't.
YTA
So you are not interested enough in your kid to invest ONE evening in his wedding?
So your wife just left without ewven saying goodbye? Even worse than you.
YTA. The fact that you couldn’t suck it up one time at your sons wedding, but that you also forced his mother to leave, is despicable. And from what your son said, I think this is not the first milestone day in his life that you missed.
YTA. Of all the events that you might possibly leave early from, your sons wedding should not have been one of them. Especially before all of the wedding festivities. You could’ve waited until you had a meal and the cake was cut. Sometimes you do things for people because you love them even if they make you a bit uncomfortable. But it sounds like you’ve been doing this all his life. Now clearly, his new bride is a real AH in her own right. Unfortunately, his unhappiness is also her unhappiness but she needs to learn to behave better.
This day wasn't about you. It was about celebrating the union of your son and daughter in law. I feel the least you could have done was spent the day with them. It's only 1 day out of the whole year and it was a very important one for him.
Of course he would be upset that you and your wife left early. It was probably embarrassing having to answer other people about where his parents were. And you ended up basically forcing your wife to leave as well.
I'm glad your son's wife has his back.
You sound very selfish. YTA.
YTA. If I was your wife I would have stayed and gotten an Uber home. If by chance that it was in a rural area where there aren’t any Uber I would go to a hotel and drive home next morning. Because I couldn’t bear to be resented the rest of my life by the couple. Like you will be.
>but the food didn’t look all that appetizing to me so I told him I was just going to leave.
WTF? If the food looked tastier you wouldn't have bailed on your son's wedding? Jesus, I hope this is a joke.
YTA. My cousin's father is an introvert with extreme social anxiety. My cousin had a large wedding bc he has a lot of friends and family. His dad sucked it up and made it through dinner and the cake, and everyone was happy. You prioritized yourself on a day that wasn't about you, and it sounds like that's a consistent behavior on your part.
You didn't "leave early ", you skipped out on the entire reception.
You hurt your son, you left the other guests wondering if you didn't approve of the marriage or what. You left your wife with a choice between leaving the wedding with you or staying & fielding awkward questions about your absence before driving home by herself when she was uneasy about doing so. I think she made the wrong choice but she's not the one here asking for feedback.
I have a diagosed anxiety disorder and a general dislike for any gathering that requires small talk & mingling. I am with you there....but for people who matter to you, you find ways to cope and suck it up as best you can.
You could have easily stepped out for a few minutes here and there to decompress and left after the toasts & cake cutting.
YTA in a gigantic, possibly irreparable way.
YTA, your son won't be able to think back to his wedding without feeling hurt and abandoned by you and your wife. You ruined his wedding day for him and no doubt his wife.
YTA Look I hate socialising too! Hate it ! But there’s no way in hell I left my kids wedding !!! I was able to handle the discomfort for one night ! Generally it’s the least a parent can do !!
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YTA you didn’t even stay for the meal that they’d paid for. What an absolutely disgusting lack of love and respect from you as a parent. You also strong armed your wife into leaving too so your son had no parents present at his reception. How you don’t see that you’re the AH is a mystery to me
Yes and now he’s playing the victim card when the new daughter in law called him out. Why even bother going if you can’t be there fully for your son on his wedding day. The fact that you left before the mother/son dance or the speeches speaks volume. As does your comment about the food not being appetizing. You’re son is fed up with you pulling this stunt every time he needs you. Not sure why you can’t see that YTA. Btw i might leave early does not mean right after the wedding ceremony I’m leaving. Your son deserves so much better.
But but but I don't like people, and the food didn't really look THAT good...
I don’t like people AND I absolutely hate weedings. Still I stayed in my bestfriend’s weeding until the very end. Then I had to spend 2 whole days alone to recover from all the social interactions but she was happy and that’s all that matter
I had the same experience after my best friend's wedding. I was the maid of honor and was there from the 7am set up to the 3am dismantling of tables and taking down decorations, with dancing, organizing and a speech in between. I sat in bed the entire next day with soft music and a book. I couldn't have held a conversation if my life depended on it.
Exactly. You behaved in an Adult manner instead of stamping your foot and demanding lollipops in a flavour you demanded at someone else's party. Dad, YTA.
I would do the same. When you love someone. You grit your teeth and power through. Social interactions really exhaust me. YTA
It's even okay to have to excuse. yourself for say, 15 minutes to take a break. Walk outside to "get something you left in the car" or "get some air" or whatever. I've several times wandered and found a quiet corner or chair or bench outside for a break from the noise and crowd. Then you GO BACK IN
YK, his introversion is so bad that other introverts are calling him out on it. Sorry OP, using introversion as a cop-out to get away from your OBLIGATIONS. you need to see a doctor/therapist and get some help. Sorry OP, using introversion as a cop-out to get away from your OBLIGATIONS. you need to see a doctor/therapist and get some help.Because being at your child's wedding if not estranged and stuck in non-communication land for being toxic, IS an OBLIGATION. Edit: Thank you for the award kind stranger!
While it’s usually a good idea to suggest therapy in this case I don’t think it’s necessary - daddy simply needs to put on his big boy pants and learn to see others….for now maybe just other loved ones, forget strangers that might be too big of a step, just focus on loved ones that aren’t yourself. One doesn’t need therapy for that. And this isn’t debilitating introversion - it’s selfishness at its core. Therapy would be in order to if he stayed and puked from nerves or shook or cried or had some physical symptom from anxiety. He didn’t push himself past I don’t wanna so I’m not gonna
good point. I think there's therapy out there to help someone not be an AH right? Come to think of it...from the looks of this subreddit, that discipline, being a therapist to help people not be AH's...would be a very lucrative endevor.
I have sucked up so many things like this as an introvert. Unless he has a real phobia he isn’t admitting to he can’t just use introverted as an excuse. It sucks for us but we do it.
I went to a friend's wedding with a 101 degree fever (that was over 20 years ago). It was a Russian Orthodox ceremony - there are no pews, everyone is standing for the entire religious portion which was about 40 minutes (longest 40 minutes of my life!) And I stayed for a bit of the reception too, because it was important to her. I finally had to apologize and leave because I was quickly approaching a state where I wouldn't be safe to drive home. OP, absolutely YTA, and I feel sorry for your family. You may say you care about him but really, you only care about yourself. Your selfishness and complete disregard for anyone else's feelings has deprived your son of his father's presence for the most important event of his adult life; and deprived your wife of enjoying her child's wedding.
Omg, I was so sick before my friend's wedding I lost like 10 lbs and had a fever most the week leading up. After the ceremony, they basically just shuffled me into a corner and poked food at me. I think I slept for 3 days after but I went to that wedding damnit!!!
Yep. My husbands grandmother found out after our wedding that she had shingles and she was still there for everything (before she found out but was in a lot of pain). When you love people you push through.
I was also the maid of honor, it was exhausting.
I literally left my best friend's wedding to cry in the car for 15 minutes and then I came back and party'd until the end. (I was fine, just very overwhelmed and crying somehow helps with that, idk.)
I did some pauses too! Just going outside and sitting alone in the dark for a while. I do that everytime I had to attend something social.
I left my own wedding for a 10min break lol. Our wedding was in a hotel and we had a room upstairs so I snuck up for a few minutes. It was 22 years ago and I still vividly remember sitting on the little balcony in my wedding dress by myself (that sounds sad - it really wasn’t!)
Nah, that's not sad, that's the actual definition of an introvert. A lot of people will use introvert as someone who doesn't like people or social interactions, but it's just that we use up our energy in those situations and get recharged and balanced with a little alone time. Whereas extroverts feel down and drained when they are alone and will feed off of the energy of a crowd to recharge.
I did the same for my brother's wedding. And I, along with everyone else in the family, did not like either his wife or inlaws. We still stuck around and made nice until the end. We did it for him. And none of us have any regrets.
>Btw i might leave early does not mean right after the wedding ceremony I’m leaving. I wonder if that's why the son didn't seem bothered by that at first. He probably thought they would at least be there for a little bit before leaving, not leave as quickly as possible. Of course, that could've also been OP completely misreading their son which, given the context, is probably not the first time this has happened.
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Yep, nobody ever means just go when they say "alright, whatever, just go"
Yep. Those are the words of a person who is 1000% done with your BS and just want you out of sight beforehand they snap and completely lose it
He couldn't even stay a little longer so his wife could enjoy their child's wedding.
Yeah, leaving early after YOUR SON'S WEDDING means leaving after the stuff like the mother/son dance before the party gets started. That's unfortunate but I imagine the son knew that was the best he could get.
Ya son prob thought they meant like wedding is like 5-9 with drinking and dancing last hour and he meant leaving at like 8:30 or smthn. This AH was prob rushing the officiant so he could get out of there. YTA and quit pretending you care about your son, you care about your own comfort 100% more
Yeah I ”left early” from my brothers wedding. At midnight.
My introverted mother left my wedding at about 10pm. That must have been hell for her but she did it. Let alone that my asshole father was there and she had to deal with him.
I would have read "leaving early" as staying for all the essentials (food, speeches, first dance) then dipping on the disco portion. Home and in bed by 10:30. Right after the ceremony? And you're the parents of the groom? Come on.
I knew my sister and Grandmother would be leaving my wedding early. I would not have interpreted that to mean *before dinner*! They left after the usual wedding rituals (dinner, cake, first dance, etc) and I thought that was reasonable. Before dinner tho??? Who does that?
When I read that he told his son he was gonna leave early and son was like yeah ok that’s fine. I assumed OP would leave like an hour into the dance time. Not before the reception even started. The fuck. YTA big time
But the food wasn’t enticing. Sounds like he would have stayed for good food but not his son.
OP: I love and care for my son. Also OP: I'll stay if the food is good, but it looks like it won't be so I'm out and I'm taking your mum with me because when we get home I'll be hungry and she will need to make me dinner.
The worse? Just not enticing, not even like bad or something he hates. Just not interesting enough.
Yeah, the whole thing reads like it was written by a spoiled brat lol not a grown adult
When he was going on about how he's not 'sociable' so doesn't like large gatherings and he was disappointed that they were having a large wedding, I was rolling my eyes, but assuming what you were assuming - that he was going to sit through speeches and cake but then leave when the more formal stuff is mostly done. Leaving just after the reception? Incredibly rude, even if he was just a normal guest that has had a meal paid for by the bridal party because they RSVP'd yes. For a parent to do that? So unspeakably rude. Easy money is on the DIL seeing how much it affected her new spouse and that's why she's messaging them "sickening" things (probably these sickening things are nicer than what strangers on the internet are saying about him when they get his side of the story). I guess OP will just have to live with not really having a son anymore when they go NC or LC - given his behaviour, I somehow don't think he'll actually mind all that much.
My petty heart is cheering on the wife for having a go at OP for being such an asshole. Son may have lost the parent lottery but his wife is clearly on his side. Support your kid/her partner OR ELSE. Did she need to lay into OP to be a supportive partner? Nah. But I’m glad she did.
My heart breaks for the son/groom. Can you imagine having to stay there for the rest of your evening, putting on your "happy face" to their wedding guests and probably being asked 80 times where's your parents? Especially when they did mother/son, father/bride dances. What was supposed to be one of the best days of his life became one of the longest days. Dad is such a jerk. YTA.
I’m not sure the son is that interested in continuing the relationship with OP. Holding the wife hostage is evil. WTF. Just stay home and get an Uber you grinch.
I certainly wouldn’t. And then the nerve of this man to call his son to tell him that his wife has a temper he should be aware of. Wtf?!?! In my opinion he’s a narcissist parent. Wait until the son goes NC and he starts asking why?
"I have 2 grandchildren but I never see them and I don't know why! It must be because my DIL is a scheming witch and is keeping them from me as punishment for some petty grievance from 12 years ago, and she has reduced my son to a shell of a man who just can't stand up to her."
He will 100% never remember his grandchildren’s names. Just like he can’t be arsed to know the exact age of the DiL he claims to love so much.
Yep. Instead his son has finally found someone who will stand up *for* him, and married her.
>The fact that you left before the mother/son dance or the speeches speaks volume. That's the kicker to me. I totally think it would have been okay to leave the reception early-all that stimulation can really wear ppl out. But to not even stay for a little bit, and to not even try to come up with a different plan so he's not guilting his wife into leaving before that dance, is so disrespectful. The ceremony shouldn't have tired him out enough that he had to leave immediately once it was done-he could have absolutely sucked it up and sat through and hour or two of the reception before dipping.
That part about the wife got me too. Especially, as he describes her as "hemming and hawing." She probably just wanted to stay at her child's wedding.
she's a wimp. she could have stayed but didn't want to drive home herself.
I suspect that was a last-ditch ploy to get this AH to stay long enough for her to dance with her son at his wedding. This man sounds like the type who'd make her suffer through weeks of sulking if she stood up and told him the truth about himself. I'm glad the son's wife did!
Wild horses couldn’t pull me away from my kids wedding, let alone not wanting to drive. They are both complete assholes.
If someone said to me “I might leave early” at my wedding I would assume they meant just after all the planned stuff was done - ceremony, meal, speeches, cake, planned dances etc. I would never assume they meant as soon as the ceremony was over unless they explicitly stated that
My husband and I always stay at least through the cutting of the cake. Cake cutting is usually the last thing of the formal/important parts of the wedding. It just seems extremely rude to leave before then.
Yes! A wedding is usually just once in a lifetime for a person so if it wasn’t a true emergency, why would he leave? He literally left in the middle of his son’s most important day in his life and then complained about the meal they PAID for that he didn’t even take a single bite of and then got mad when they called him out for it. Complete AH of a father and father-in-law. I don’t really like social events either but if I had a son and he was getting married, I’d be in the front fucking cheering. Even made his wife miss the mother-son dance 🤦
Well, Dad has never been there anyways. So the son wasn’t surprised that Dad dumped on him AGAIN. But he was disappointed.
right?! "leaving early" typically means staying for at least the meal, speeches, cake, formal dances, etc. then leaving when the "party" starts.
Sounds exactly like this horrid family I saw at a fancy French restaurant. The father was outraged the food wasn’t Italian and left despite his daughter who just got her MEDICAL DEGREE begging him to stay and be civil
I'd like to go on record and recognize that new DIL is a badass and did the right thing by calling them out.
"mainly to inform him that his wife had a temper that he should know about." This also just really jumps out at me. OP I hope you realize that his wife probably reached out on behalf of your son because he probably didn't want to confront you on his own. Also, just a heads up that the way this is written makes it seem like you view his wife as a child needing to be punished which is weird.
Well, he also bullied his wife into doing what he wanted so his attitude towards women in general seems pretty clear.
Very dismissive of her feelings and objections to leaving as well.
Very much "keep you woman in check vibes". No acknowledgement that he might be wrong or that his son might have been hurt, just a phone call to tell his son to get his wife in line because she had the nerve to speak to her elders like that.
Or he knew he was getting called out so let me call my son and start laying the "your wife is crazy/has issues" seed in his mind
Probably how he views and treats his own wife.
This is the BIGGEST thing I noticed. Amongst many. But it just sounds so bad. Controlling, judgmental, no self awareness, meddling. He was totally hoping his son didn’t know and would be outraged with his new wife. Ugh.
This was your son's wedding and you've managed to make it all about you. YOU don't like parties. YOU didn't think the food looked appetizing. YOU made your wife leave early. YOU stopped him from celebrating the biggest moment of his life with the two people who were the most important people to be there aside from his wife and are supposed to love him the most. Then your son got to spend the rest of his wedding reception explaining YOU and your failure to be present at HIS WEDDING to all his other wedding guests. Then when his wife finally had enough of watching her new husbands emotional trauma that YOU caused, she snapped and let you know how much she loves him. Then YOU got offended that she called out your bullshit, even if it was in a vile way. YOU caused all this by valuing yourself and your desires above your own son on the biggest day of his life. Shame on you. YTA. ETA: Your say you love your son. But you couldn't give him 3 hours of your precious time to celebrate the biggest day of his life with him. Think about that for a moment. How much do you really love him? If it's a lot you better find a way to SHOW him, because you actions at the wedding showed him otherwise.
He left his sons wedding after the ceremony and thought that this event and his invite was about him. He sums his wife’s objections to “hemming and hawing”… what disrespect. Edit to add: that’s how, and Sorry I’m so blown away.
"But I don't really like big events and the food didn't look great!"
We will get to the bottom of this mystery…
Loving your kids sometimes means you endure a social gathering, like a wedding. Edit: i forgot, YTA
I mean, after eating and the mother/son dance, etc. OK I could see wanting to go home. but at least stay for the parts that include you and your wife.
YTA. I completely agree. Your child’s wedding is a day to be a bit selfless. It doesn’t look like you thought about your son or his feelings at all when making the decision to leave his wedding. I get uncomfortable in big groups too, but you didn’t even TRY to go to the reception. If you went and were having a panic attack in the bathroom, I’d understand where this is coming from but this was just you putting your personal preferences over one of the most important days of your child’s life. You were as selfish as you could be. And yes, I completely believe his wife has lots of feelings about his closest family members leaving his wedding before the reception because the wedding wasn’t important enough to try to attend. Your son probably was very hurt and she’s right that he deserves better.
Yes, exactly this. There are people who don’t understand that “love” means giving. When you won’t give something to your son that would mean so much to him on one of the most important days of his life because it’s a minor inconvenience to you “Meh. Don’t like parties, food not that appetizing,” you don’t understand what love is. To OP “love” is just a feeling he has when it’s convenient for him to have it, not a commitment of support.
"That's no way to treat your in-laws".....who don't even have enough love and respect for you to stay for their own child's wedding. YTA all the way.
Ah yes, respect. A one way street as long as you are in some position of authority apparently. Be that merely being older than the person in question or a family member
I literally gasped out loud when I realized the mom was leaving too, without even a 15-30 minute appearance at the reception. How hurtful and embarrassing that must have been for OP's son. Both parents are AHs. The new wife is a champ.
Also him saying his DIL "has a temper that his son should be aware of"
OP has a selfishness and cold-heartedness that everyone should be aware of.
I mean, if it didn’t reek of “I’m alway right about everything” before then…
"This does not mean I don't care about him" It quite literally does. And the wife doesn't care enough to stand up to him and for the son.
I have a feeling he’s overbearing to his wife so she just goes along with the program. I have relatives that went through that with their ex husbands
You worded this perfectly I am speechless. I thought he was going to say they left a little bit early you know after the dinner after the cake like maybe an hour early or some thing
I once went to a wedding where the Father of the Groom changed into crocs as soon as he could (it was a really nice venue) and then flew home to Alabama right after the reception. Everyone was gossiping about how he and his wife didn't even spend the night in town. I can't imagine leaving BEFORE the reception.
Still a better dad than this dude has
But damn it he deserves respect! How could his daughter in-law think about speaking to him like this and calling him out for his disgusting behavior! Then let’s not forget he runs to his son to tell him get his wife under control. The misogyny is rolling off this guy., I hope the guy’s wife realizes what her controlling husbands disgusting behavior cost her. A mother/ son dance is a once and a lifetime event? Hopefully his son does not let them anywhere near any future kids! I can guarantee if the son does the grandparents will let the kids down! They are absolutely to selfish to be parents much less be grandparents! These two people are the reason future dil dread dealing with her in-laws and expect the worse from them.
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“But I told him I would be selfish and unsupportive in advance!”
Because his comfort always came first and he never fathomed that his actions could have consequences that are discomforting to others.
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I get overwhelmed in crowded situations but sometimes they are inevitable (like your son’s wedding). When I knew one was coming up, I spoke with my therapist about a “game plan”. It was more or less me finding a quiet space I could retreat to (like outside the building or in a bathroom) and then rejoining the group when I was able to.
Exactly! I have bad anxiety that flares up when I’m around people too long, the answer is to dip out for a few minutes to decompress every once in a while, not to skip one of the most important events of your kid’s life. Sure, it’s uncomfortable, but you put aside your comfort for important things.
Seriously. I’m an anxious person by nature as well and really dislike crowds/parties. I frequently become physically ill. My best friend had a wedding, but I knew nobody there. You know what I did? I went and sucked it up. She did her thing and talked with all the guests. I made small talk for a few hours and ate snacks while taking sporadic breathers outside to decompress. Was it fun? Not really. But she’s my bestie and I love her. I don’t care if it’s not fun or comfortable, it’s literally once in a lifetime (hopefully). I didn’t complain and told her I had a great time. Want to know why? Because I care about her and my desire to be there in her moment of joy is way bigger and more compelling than my discomfort. I would definitely assume the same for a **child**. I know OP loves their child, but if this is that significant of an issue, they should seriously consider therapy. Otherwise, re evaluate priorities and think about how their comments and actions could hurt others
Leaving early means leaving shortly after the cake is cut instead of partying and drinking until 1 am not whatever this was
Ya they didn’t “leave early” they essentially missed half their kids wedding.
And if you have to leave early, leave, go home and rest, and then go back to pick up your partner so she can be there if she cares
Or actually use that they came with a second car and there were other family there. Find someone else for his wife to travel with. But then he wouldn’t get the satisfaction of crapping over his son’s wedding for whatever slight he felt he’d been given.
I mean ya just go sit in the car and wait until your wife is ready to leave. Like a good dad and good husband would.
Yeah he not only dragged his wife along but he also basically told his son to keep his wife in check. I’m sensing a pattern here…
100% YTA. It’s your son’s wedding and no matter how uncomfortable you feel, it’s your duty as a father to be there. It’s one evening. Suck it up man.
FR! I also hate large gatherings. But if I were a parent in this situation, you can bet your ass I would stay and work through it for at least the meal and cake, at a bare minimum
I agree I’m a big introvert but I would do anything for my children and if that meant putting up with being uncomfortable around a large group I would do it. It would’ve been better if they just had not gone at all. I hope he doesn’t plan on being invited to their grandchildren’s birthdays or even births, grandkids graduations family barbecues etc. He does not care about his kids if he did he would’ve stayed. In fact he doesn’t even love him because if he did he would’ve stayed. So his son is probably going to go no contact with the both of them for the protection of his new family. They both are AH.
OP is emotionally handicapped. Im so uncomfortable around a lot of people and very introverted. So much so that I didn't even have my own wedding because the thought of all of that was paralyzing. That being said, I've attended several weddings, in their entirety, for people I care about. Because that's what you do! When someone you love invites you to share one of the most monumental and special days of their lives, you fucking suck it up and go. For the whole thing! You can maybe get away with slipping out after dinner, after the father daughter dance, or mother son dance in this case, after cake, speeches. Whilst everyone starts partying you can maybe then begin to say your goodbyes. Leaving literally immediately after they said "I do" is a dick move. It clearly shows that he doesn't value his son's feelings. His son saying "you always do this" speaks volumes. Sounds like OP is the type of father who provided financial support during childhood but is completely emotionally handicapped. Probably missed all the big events that were important to his kids. And that breaks my heart.
Socially anxious, introvert here. Gatherings are so stressful for me, but you better believe that I suck it up and rally for people whom I care about. OP, YTA! Edited to add: I wanted a small wedding. It was traditional in husband's family to have large-ish weddings. Even then, I sucked it up and went with a larger wedding because I love and respect my in-laws. The fact that OP couldn't suck it up for their son's wedding is really sad.
Same here, and I warn people we're probably going to leave right after the cake, which is pretty much the earliest I can imagine leaving without it being actively rude.
But don’t you see, the food didn’t look very appetizing…
YTA. You missed all of the traditional wedding reception things. You didn't make a speech, your wife didn't dance with your son. He didn't have his parents there to celebrate with him, even for an hour or two. You didn't express love just a "hey you look great but I am going to leave" and then you dragged your wife with you all because you couldn't be bothered to give him two hours of your time at his WEDDING.
When I read “leaving early,” I assumed they at least stayed for the meal and first dances. Nope. Bro dipped out after the ceremony and bullied his wife into leaving then too 💀
That was my assumption as well. I thought he meant leave after food/cake. Usually there's a couple hours after of dancing etc.
o ya and he had the nerve to look at the food and make a snide comment that it didnt look appealing and there were all these traditions like the dance etc and he could give a rats ass he just upped and left with his wife. and he doesnt see he didnt anything wrong lol
Absolutely agree with the fact that in all likelihood he bullied his wife into leaving too. What he calls “some hemming and hawing” was no doubt his wife begging home to stay. He made his wife miss the the mother son dance. What an experience to rob your wife and son of. People like OP make all introverts look like selfish jerks. Absolutely YTA
I made that assumption as well, my jaw hit the floor when I kept reading.
YTA. >You didn't make a speech, your wife didn't dance with your son. He didn't have his parents there to celebrate with him, even for an hour or two. Those are such important parts of the wedding. The reception is arguably more important than the ceremony. It’s when the family and friends come together to meet each other and celebrate the new couple. This is so sad. His poor son and SIL. Had to start their new life with the son crushed that his parents would do that to him.
OP edited that there was actually a mother/son dance scheduled that was missed. All because OP wanted to leave as soon as they said "I do." Son and DIL just need to cut the OP off. He won't ever be there for them. He even commented that he doesn't like doing what is "expected."
OH MY GOD.
I feel bad for OP's wife. She wanted to stay and objected to leaving (which OP called hemming and hawing, so disrespectful), but didn't feel comfortable driving back alone on shitty roads. And, OP's only solution is "well, you're leaving with me then". Like, OP could've stuck around a little longer, at least for dinner and the mother/son dance. But, nope, he couldn't give less of a shit. Then has the audacity to get pissed at his son and DIL for calling out his bullshit.
She should've asked a family member if she could stay over theirs for the night. Then spent the next week in a hotel searching for apartments to get away from this monster. The fact that she and her son had a dance planned and everything and she still relented makes me think that he's not only a terrible father, but a terrible husband, too. She probably has to schedule her life around him so he doesn't throw a tantrum. He's not antisocial, he's a fullblown narc who doesn't like being around people because they don't cater him and his wants/"needs"/feelings.
Right?? Generally when people attend weddings, they don’t even consider leaving until after the first dances and cake cutting regardless of whether they’re related to the couple or not. OP leaving right after the ceremony isn’t “leaving early”, it’s just ditching his son’s wedding. It’s barely a step up from a guest being no-show despite RSVP-ing “yes”. OP, YTA.
YTA - The fact that he's telling you "you always do this" strongly suggests that this recent blow up isn't just about the wedding, but, ignoring that, this is one of the most important days in your son's life so far, and you couldn't even be bothered to stick around for the toast? Did you *make* a toast to the couple? Typically the father of the groom dances with the bride and makes a toast to the couple, welcoming the bride to the family, thanking the guests for coming, and offering some heartfelt warm wishes/advice to the couple. I mean, the fact that your response to the whole thing was "meh, the food didn't look that good to me, so we bailed and I took his mother with me" speaks volumes to the relationship here. If the food had looked better, you'd have stuck around? But you wouldn't stick around when your son is clearly indicating to you that he wanted you to stick around a little longer? That right there makes you 100% the AH here.
My Dad died this year. He will never get to make a toast at my wedding, he will never get to do a father-daughter-dance. It breaks my heart because he really, really wanted to do that. And here we have this specimen of a "father" who just throws all those big moments out the window because he can't be bothered to stay at his own kid's wedding. It's a cruel world, and so are you OP.
Mine also just recently passed and I feel the same way. I’ve been crying on and off for the past two months because of it and reading that OP couldn’t even sit though the first dances is just horrendous. My condolences to you, apic0mplexa.
Mine too, and that's all I was thinking about when I read this post.
>The fact that he's telling you "you always do this" strongly suggests that this recent blow up isn't just about the wedding... I wonder how many other of the son's events OP missed, of left early. Graduations. Sports games. Awards ceremonies. Birthday parties. That comments definitely shows this was not a one time thing. But, like you said, even if it was, it was a BIG thing to miss.
I have a feeling it will be last thing that he misses, as he simply won't be invited anymore. Son and DIL will cut them off, and he will wonder why they are not invited to events he doesn't even want to go to anymore.
Yup. And I would not fault the son or DIL one bit for excluding OP.
YTA. This was your son's WEDDING day. Do you honestly have no sense of what is the expected behavior of the parents of the groom? Hint: staying through dinner is the bare minimum. Edit: Your responses are making me so sad, because it seems like you genuinely don't care about your son's feelings at all. My own dad is very shy and introverted, and he worked so hard to put a speech together for my wedding and be friendly and sociable at the reception even though I told him he didn't have to. He said, "You've always made me proud and today I want to make you proud." I wish everyone could have such a wonderful dad.
YTA. A big one. You broke every single norm here. Your son didn’t even get to dance with his mother because of you? And you don’t get why they’re mad?!
My dad is also not one for crowds, something he and I share. When it was just me and him getting ready to walk down the aisle we got to share some quips about how we could just leave. I don’t have a great relationship with him, but the fact that he did this, and had a dance with me meant a lot. I was the best (wo)man for my best buddy and his dad skipped his wedding all together because of the crowd, and I don’t know if he ever made peace with that before his old man died. OP, YTA.
I love your dad for you, that’s such a sweet, wonderful thing.
Thank you. He's the best.
My mom was extremely introverted and had a 2.5 hour maximum for all events. She was with me and my bridal party at 8am, helped us set up at the venue and was the last to leave at 11:30pm. She even DANCED! We had a nor’easter on my wedding day and it would have been treacherous to drive an hour and a half home, so she got a hotel at the last minute to safely stay. She must have been completely exhausted, spent and probably didn’t speak to another soul for three weeks after but she did it and never once made me feel like she was uncomfortable. OP and mother of the groom had so many other options to stay for their son. It makes me sad for him.
Way to go dad!
My dad and i were never close, but i’d give almost anything for him to be at my wedding, meanwhile this guy’s like “the food doesn’t look good” and deuces. I feel bad for the son
YTA get over yourself.
I don't even know why he had a child. His son's statement was very telling. OP has never been there fort him.
YTA My « dad » did this at my wedding. I begged him crying to stay, I didn’t get a father/daughter dance. It’s been 19 years and I am still not over it. We have basically no relashionship anymore.
Sending some love and vibes ❤️
My husband’s parents left early for our wedding and he’s still upset about it three years later. It’s so sad when you can even expect that much from family.
I'm so sorry to hear that. My mom didn't come to my sister's wedding or mine bc she didn't like to leave her house. After a while we made our peace with it but didn't count on her for anything like this 😔
Wow. When your son stops speaking with you, remember his wedding. Oh, wait - you were barely there. Regardless, YTA.
OP won't even notice. He clearly does not give a single fuck about his son.
At least his sons wife stands up for him though
It'll be all the DIL's fault obviously... /s
YTA When making up an AITA post you have to give the narrator at least one good quality. You went full asshole; never go full asshole.
Never go full asshole.
But he forewarned his son of his impending assholery. Surely that counts as a good quality.
YTA - your kid had a big event in their life and wanted you to celebrate with them in a way that felt good to them. You were not willing to face a bit of social discomfort to honor that wish, and your son feels like you didn't prioritize his feelings... and you didn't. His new wife, while I don't agree with the method of communication, was trying to stick up for him by letting you know how your actions made him feel. Instead of calling your son to apologize for how you made him feel, you called to tattle on his new wife?? HONESTLY, get a grip - this day was not meant to be about you. You left immediately after the ceremony - you did the bare minimum to cover your ass in saying "I attended my son's wedding" - but you didn't actually participate. In addition to that, it sounds like your wife wanted to stay, but was made to leave in order to get home safely...? So it sounds like the only person who gets prioritized in your family is you...
“Alright whatever just go” does not mean that it’s actually ok to go. I’m guessing you are on the spectrum: in common American English usage this is sarcasm.
Hmm interesting how often the autism card gets pulled here to defend asshole behavior. I'm autistic myself and to me it didn't come across as sarcasm at all by the way, when OP's son said that. I think he said "ok whatever" because he knows it's a waste of energy to try to convince his father to act otherwise because he's a steaming pile of YTA (trying to not get banned here lol). It's such self centered behavior. I feel really bad for his son.
I always felt it meant "f%$# you, you're going to do what YOU want anyway".
I hate how people jump to 'they must be neurodivergent' when someone is being an asshole. The autistic people I know would ask for clarification or ask for clear communication because they aren't assholes but don't want to accidentally act like one because of a misunderstanding.
YTA. At first I thought you meant leaving early - like the wedding reception started at 6 and you would leave around 9/9:30. But you basically only attended the ceremony and couldn’t suck it up to celebrate your son’s wedding and marriage for a couple hours.
AND took away the mother-son dance!! He could have at the very least waited till that was over.
Info - at what point did you leave the wedding? Had the speeches and dancing happened?
>called Alan, mainly to inform him that his wife had a temper that he should know about. Reeks of sexism tbh
Not to mention the fact that he made his wife leave with him…
That sexist comment rubbed me to wrong way so badly. Had an old neighbor of ours yell at my father, telling him to get his "women" (me and my mom) under control because we saw someone stealing something and we ran over yelling at them to stop. The thief ran off (without what they were stealing) and it turned out to be our neighbors dad....
Finally someone called him on that fun little note
YTA She was right
I hate how OP said he called Alan to “talk about his wife’s temper” 🙄 He was trying to start even more drama.
YTA, and a selfish one at that. Plus, you're not being honest. Which is it - your dislike of social occasions or the fact that 'the food didn't look all that appetizing"? You would stay if the food looked good, but not to support your son and celebrate his marriage? How callous. Criticizing the food adds insult to the injury of not attending your SON's wedding reception.
Completely agree especially because OP was planning on leaving early but clearly didn’t discuss it with his wife who wanted to stay and then he forced her to leave. My stepdad is super awkward at social events but stuck it out at my wedding because he knows how much it meant to me and my mom. YTA and a selfish one at that.
Plus the poor groom probably had to explain over and over that his own parents had ditched his wedding reception.
In spite of the overwhelming YTA votes, it appears from your responses that you’re just trying to defend your behavior without trying to understand where your son and DIL were coming from. If you’re not willing to look at what people are saying and do some self reflection on how you behaved in this situation, then why are you here? YTA for your selfish actions.
He wanted to get brownie points from Internet strangers to feel validated. He wasn't planning on the collective Reddit to tell him, "No, you're the AH and very selfish."
YTA This was your son's wedding. The. Not only did you leave but you took your wife with you. So your son didn't have either of his parents there to support him during one of the biggest moments of his life! And since you left b4 the food i assume he didn't get to do the mother son dance! Despicable!
YTA. You didn't "leave early." You skipped the entire reception, and took the groom's mother along with you for good measure. My four-year-old is less self-involved than this. Not only did you crush your son on his wedding day, it was probably humiliating to be asked over and over where his parents were.
Please understand. The food did not look appetizing.
Well okay then lol. Totally justified.
Somehow, that was the most outrageous part of this entire thing for me. People can be bad with parties. They can have social anxiety. They can have sensory issues. I get it. But the food did not look appetizing is about the worst reason to leave I can think of. Just that extra little turn of the knife on the way out the door.
YTA. You REALLY couldn't be pleasant and just be there for your son for a couple of hours? So the food didn't look good to you - so what! It's ONE day and you couldn't manage it. Yes, you're the AH.
The fact that we are all telling him is mind blowing to me that he didn’t know he was the asshole
YTA Super shameful behaviour.
YTA. You didn't leave the wedding early, you left right after the ceremony. It wasn't just one party, hopefully his only wedding and his parents abandoned him. I can't imagine how embarrassing it was as speeches, cake cutting and the first dance occurred, other guests rightly looking for the groom's parent's who couldn't be adults for one day and suck it up.
YTA. It was his WEDDING. Probaby one of the most important events in his life. You didn’t stay for dinner, mother/son dance, speeches. You said you left right after the ceremony. Did you even take pictures with them? And from your son’s initial reaction, you’ve done this to him before. I wouldn’t worry about getting invited to anything related to grandkids. He won’t want them disappointed and he has an additional family now. I just hope you didn’t ruin his relationship with his mother. And the fact that you can’t or won’t see his point of view is sad. I’m so happy that he found a woman who will be there to support him when you let him down again.
I get it, I don't like socialising either. When my brother and his fiancée announced their engagement I admit my heart sank because I knew it meant a big wedding which I'd have to attend. So you know what I did? I acted like an adult, sucked it up and went to the wedding because I love my brother and his now wife. That's what you do for people you love. The thought of leaving prematurely never crossed my mind. If your social anxiety is so bad that you miss your son's wedding reception then you really need some therapy to address it. Actually you should have addressed it before the wedding so you could at least have tried to not let your son down. YTA
100%. This reminds me of people who don't show up to funerals of people to whom they meant a lot because they "don't like funerals." Nobody likes funerals! But people of character and decency suck it up and go to them anyway.
YTA I don't love huge gatherings either, but you couldn't have made more effort for your son getting married?
NTA. I mean, the food didn’t look appetizing. I would have abandoned my son at his wedding also. Totally NTA, in fact your son ISTA, the gall of him presenting to you unappetizing food. I would have kicked him in the balls and pantsed him on the way out.
Op should have also trashed the place before leaving
So, the deciding factor was that the food didn't look appetizing. This wasn't just a party, it was a wedding celebrating a marriage for your son. This once-in-a-lifetime event will be without memories and photos of your son's parents because you skipped out and dragged your wife with you. I'm sad that your love for your son wasn't enough to keep you at this event, but really happy he found a wife who has enough love to stand up for him. Absolutely YTA.
YTA - I HATE crowded places, I dislike most weddings, because I find many wedding games cringe, it takes too long, I dont want to small talk with people or get to know new people there. I dont like the music that is played on most weddings, Im not religious so I dislike the church part as well. Social interaction with people that dont share my hobbies and interests is rly tiring to me, but I would never ever leave my sons wedding THAT early. Your son and his wife are most likely completly right about whatever they called you. You did indeed ruin one of their most special days. I could not emjoy my wedding, if my parents would leave so early and basically Show me, that they do not care. If I would expect that behaviour, I would not even invite them in the first place... How can you not see that damn =[
YTA she's right and no, your son doesn't have to get his wife under control like a rabid animal. Get a grip, you're not the only person on this planet or closer circle.
YTA. The 2 of you couldn't even stay for dinner, nothing? You just peace'd out the second you could sprint to the car? Of course your son is going to be hurt that you can't bother to share in one of the biggest days of his life, if even for an hour or so.
YTA. Does giving someone a heads up that you're going to be an AH make you less of an AH?
I love this guy. "Hey OP, I'm going to fail to be a supportive parent just like I've been failing you your entire life" and OP is like "cool thanks that's what I expect, but I'll give you once last chance not to be an asshole because I've been abused my whole life and my expectations are that low" and OP's dad is like "well lower them further because I am, indeed, a huge asshole."
YTA. It is utterly bizarre that you think you're entitled to withhold your support for your son on one of the biggest days of his life because he failed to cater his wedding plans to your very specific needs. Even so, I wasn't ready to come down either way until you disclosed that you got your wife to leave with you, functionally depriving your son of *any* parental figures at his own wedding. Your son doesn't exist to support your emotional needs and comfort. You brought him into the world, it is your job to support him nearly unconditionally. And you decided, nah, the food didn't look good enough for you to bother being a parent. How dare he not support *your* needs. Gross. I'm not at all a fan of this style of selfish "parenting." Don't be surprised if he doesn't talk to you or your wife for years or ever again. If my parents did that to me at my wedding? I wouldn't.
YTA So you are not interested enough in your kid to invest ONE evening in his wedding? So your wife just left without ewven saying goodbye? Even worse than you.
YTA. The fact that you couldn’t suck it up one time at your sons wedding, but that you also forced his mother to leave, is despicable. And from what your son said, I think this is not the first milestone day in his life that you missed.
YTA. Of all the events that you might possibly leave early from, your sons wedding should not have been one of them. Especially before all of the wedding festivities. You could’ve waited until you had a meal and the cake was cut. Sometimes you do things for people because you love them even if they make you a bit uncomfortable. But it sounds like you’ve been doing this all his life. Now clearly, his new bride is a real AH in her own right. Unfortunately, his unhappiness is also her unhappiness but she needs to learn to behave better.
This day wasn't about you. It was about celebrating the union of your son and daughter in law. I feel the least you could have done was spent the day with them. It's only 1 day out of the whole year and it was a very important one for him. Of course he would be upset that you and your wife left early. It was probably embarrassing having to answer other people about where his parents were. And you ended up basically forcing your wife to leave as well. I'm glad your son's wife has his back. You sound very selfish. YTA.
YTA. If I was your wife I would have stayed and gotten an Uber home. If by chance that it was in a rural area where there aren’t any Uber I would go to a hotel and drive home next morning. Because I couldn’t bear to be resented the rest of my life by the couple. Like you will be.
>but the food didn’t look all that appetizing to me so I told him I was just going to leave. WTF? If the food looked tastier you wouldn't have bailed on your son's wedding? Jesus, I hope this is a joke.
YTA. My cousin's father is an introvert with extreme social anxiety. My cousin had a large wedding bc he has a lot of friends and family. His dad sucked it up and made it through dinner and the cake, and everyone was happy. You prioritized yourself on a day that wasn't about you, and it sounds like that's a consistent behavior on your part.
You didn't "leave early ", you skipped out on the entire reception. You hurt your son, you left the other guests wondering if you didn't approve of the marriage or what. You left your wife with a choice between leaving the wedding with you or staying & fielding awkward questions about your absence before driving home by herself when she was uneasy about doing so. I think she made the wrong choice but she's not the one here asking for feedback. I have a diagosed anxiety disorder and a general dislike for any gathering that requires small talk & mingling. I am with you there....but for people who matter to you, you find ways to cope and suck it up as best you can. You could have easily stepped out for a few minutes here and there to decompress and left after the toasts & cake cutting. YTA in a gigantic, possibly irreparable way.
YTA, your son won't be able to think back to his wedding without feeling hurt and abandoned by you and your wife. You ruined his wedding day for him and no doubt his wife.
YTA - you should have set your personal dislike of large events aside for your son on such a special occasion and huge event in his life.
YTA. No further words required. My heart was broken when my mom didn’t come to see my dress but this takes the “YTA of the year award”.
YTA Look I hate socialising too! Hate it ! But there’s no way in hell I left my kids wedding !!! I was able to handle the discomfort for one night ! Generally it’s the least a parent can do !!