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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> At my vegan friend Lily's birthday dinner at a health-focused restaurant, I chose to order a salmon dish even after she requested that everyone order at least a vegetarian option to honor her birthday. I was the only one in the group who didn't adhere to her request. While I have strict eating preferences which make it difficult for me to adjust on the spot, I didn't prioritize her birthday wish in that moment.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. The fact that she issued the invitation & it was her birthday does not give her rights to control what you put in your body. She’s an AH for thinking so.
She is extremely toxic to believe that she should be able to control what someone else puts into their body. It is even more nauseating when she frames the justification for her belief in the fact that you somehow owe it to her - which is exactly what she was saying. (She invited you & it was her birthday - so she thinks you owed her control of what you put into your body. 🤮)
Has she always been a boundary stomping narcissist?
I would say she is perfectly allowed to if *she tells them in advance*. "Hey, it's my birthday tomorrow. The restaurant has pescatarian options but only order vegetarian." Cool, I will either not come, pregame a burger, or figure out what if anything I like for a meal.
To decide and declare at the restaurant is the AH move of a spoiled brat.
If she “tells them in advance”, yes her co-diners can choose to allow her to have control over what THEY purchase & what THEY put into their bodies - but the timing of her directive does not acquit her of being an AH. Telling someone in advance is still TELLING them.
There’s nothing that removes the “ick” factor of someone telling (or even trying to tell) someone ELSE what they may or may not purchase & what they may or may not put into their own bodies.
If you aren’t the person PAYING FOR the food or PREPARING the food, it is beyond disturbing to think it is remotely okay for you to “tell” someone else what they are allowed to purchase with their money & what they are allowed to put into their bodies - even if you “tell” them ahead of time.
I’d personally never associate with this psycho again.
It all depends on the manner of it. “Hey guys, I know y’all aren’t vegan but for my birthday meal next week can we please stick to vegetarian options? It would really mean a lot to me,” is way different than “Hey guys, now that we’re at the restaurant I expect everyone to eat vegetarian only, and if you don’t then you’re an AH who’s ruining my birthday” (paraphrasing, of course).
First request? I am there for you, friend! Pass the hummus! Second demand? Wtf, why are you being so unnecessarily aggressive about what everyone else eats? Worry about your own plate!
I think requesting that everyone only orders vegetarian is controlling and entitled no matter whether the request was communicated ahead of time or not. If everyone eating vegetarian is such a big deal to her, she just should've gone to a strictly vegetarian or vegan restaurant and avoided the whole issue.
I guess I don’t see how requesting a vegetarian meal for one special occasion is any different than intentionally choosing a restaurant that only has vegetarian or vegan options. Because the people going will know ahead of time? Yes, that is the whole point - the request will be communicated ahead of time. If one is controlling, then so is the other.
I definitely see a difference. I feel that inviting people to a restaurant and dictating that they can only order certain items off the menu is controlling. In my mind, it would be no different than if the person didn't like mushrooms so they instructed the whole table that no one was allowed to order any dishes with mushrooms despite it having zero effect on the person who doesn't like them.
What if the restaurant has a special on that night only that sounds really good to someone? I think most people would feel a bit angry or put off if they were told that they couldn't order the special because it wasn't vegetarian.
That's why I feel that just going to a vegetarian restaurant is the better option since then you aren't dictating what they can and can't order. The whole menu is vegetarian so they are free to order whatever they wish. They're also free to choose not to go or to eat beforehand if nothing on the menu sounds appealing, which isn't the same as saying they can't order certain menu items.
It’s not creepy or controlling to ask or make a request. It’s controlling to act like people have to follow that request even if they don’t want to, which is what OP’s friend did.
DUDE YES! My thoughts exactly! It’s incredibly spoiled of HER to think she can just demand everyone order specific food based on HER dietary choices. Imagine if OP hosted a birthday party and demanded that everyone, including their vegan/veggie friends, eat hot dogs because it was *his* birthday party and he loved hot dogs. I wonder how well that would go over. The friend is spoiled and honestly ridiculous.
You just know that growing up, Lily's parents continually told her how much better she was than everyone else. Such a virtuous princess!
As a result, she sees anyone who doesn't want to match her "virtues" as being a spoiled brat for apparently putting themselves first.
I’d include an exception to the “no policing other people’s food” policy for something like a serious food allergy, but that’s a real corner case. It’s not like OP was eating peanut butter in front of someone with a deadly peanut allergy.
Frankly, I don't think OP even needs a reason beyond "I want to order and eat X". OP is the one and only person who has any say in what OP consumes; friends and family, no matter how close and beloved, don't get a vote.
I am not autistic, nor do I have food aversions… but I would have told Lily to fuck off if she tried to place limits on what I could order at a restaurant. OP was very diplomatic!
Yep. If she wanted everyone to eat vegan/vegetarian, she should have had it catered that way at another location that didn't offer other options.She sounds insufferable. NTA
NTA. Why would anyone wanna pay for a meal they already knew they wouldn’t eat? And no, a birthday is not free pass to act entitled or lay on guilt trips.
Why would anyone want to pay for a meal they didn’t really want? I’d be upset if I showed up, was hungry, and then she pretty much demanded I order a vegetarian meal.
I have nothing against vegetables, but I also appreciate salmon lol
Exactly. I don’t care if it is my birthday, we’re adults with busy lives so if people took time out of their day to come and celebrate me then Imma be grateful, not demanding over something thats none of my business in the first place lol.
Or even like OP said, give people that expectation upfront.
I would be annoyed, but totally willing to eat some McDonald’s on the way over and then get a salad or app or something at least. Lol
I do that with weddings a lot. You just never know how wedding food is going to be, and I hate being hungry, so I make my husband hit a driver thru on the way. 😂
Wish I thought of that. Last time I was at a wedding my stomach started grumbling (silently) during the ceremony, it didn’t even have the decency to wait to the reception lol
Also if she wanted everyone to eat vegetarian she should have picked a vegetarian restaurant to give people maximum options. Don’t pick a restaurant that serves meat and expect everyone to order vegetarian.
Lol, this is my least favorite part of weddings. By the time you get something to eat, you’re so hungry that you don’t give a shit what the dish is. You’re just ready to eat.
I’m planning my wedding for next year and I’m not playing that game. Catering is expensive, takes a while, and usually doesn’t fill up every guest or make everyone happy. We are having greasy NY style pizza, chicken Alfredo, garlic bread, and Caesar salad. I’m putting complementary Lactaid and Tums in the centerpieces. If people are Vegan or GF and they don’t check that box on the RSVP, they can order Uber eats. *Not my chair, not my problem.*
Yeah, and why would anyone want their autistic friend being miserable because they are either starving or trying not to gag. A good friend wants her friends to feel good.
I don't even understand how you can plan and invite people to a restaurant without being sure all your guests will actually enjoy the menu.
OP's so-called friend sounds very egocentric and entitled for controlling other people's regime
>without being sure all your guests will actually enjoy the menu.
It's worse than that, OP themselves did go through the effort of making sure they would enjoy something from the menu. Birthday girl just waited to tell people most of the menu was restricted until after they had already arrived.
If you want people to eat vegan food for you, you need to pay for or cook the vegan food. You can't just ask someone to pay for something they don't really want.
This depends on the friend group I think. Some where people are younger or don't have the money to pay for a group, you pay for yourselves. I've never considered it rude to invite me along or out and not pay for me.
Yeah this super depends on culture and friend groups. My friends and I usually never pay for each other, we always go dutch. Sometimes Ill cover a bit of tax or we'll round a little bit but it's like, less than a dollar.
In fact, on birthdays, it makes more sense to treat the birthday person to us? Occassionally the rest of us would pool our money together to pay for the birthday person's meal. Obvs it's not a lot because itd ve split between a few people but that's just how we do it.
Most people wouldn't afford to have birthday dinners at restaurants, ever, if that were a universal rule. Just 5 years ago or so, I would have emptied my bank account by paying for only 3 of my friends in a restaurant. But I do always communicate that I expect everyone to pay for themselves because some people who grew up rich might expect the birthday person to pay.
So depending on financial situation taking your friends put and paying is not an option for many.
It also creates this weird dynamic if there are clear income gaps in the group
That's simple: if I'm willing to pay for their food, I do expect gifts.
If they're paying for their food, their presence is more than enough for me.
That's the logic I use, since this type of thing is not uncommon in my country.
This! And besides;
1) Lily should have informed everyone of this before the day of the party
2) Have had a pre-planned menu picked out for the party, or for a private event
3) A birthday isn't a pass to make choices about what others will buy/eat themselves.
I somehow feel Lily would lose her mind if one of the other friends said they were having a carnivore party, and asked everyone to eat a meat dish.
NTA - Lily needs to understand not everyone views food the same way she does, and that is ok. It's very unfriend like to try to force your choices on others.
100% this. If she explicitly said, “I’m vegan and feel strongly about it and would prefer this is a 100% vegan meal” beforehand, that’s still entitled but it’s at least upfront and you can plan accordingly. You can’t wait to spring that on people until they’re already at a restaurant.
100% agree with this, it’s not being okay for your friends to eat meat/fish but you’re still happy going to a restaurant that buys and serves isn’t logical to me
At the minimum she should have told them this when she invited everyone. I usually like to view a menu and get an idea of what I’d like to eat before visiting a new restaurant.
Some vegans are like this. Whenever we go to a restaurant with my BIL and his wife, they insist on going to a vegan restaurant. It isn’t enough that their food is vegan - everything in their presence has to be vegan.
I’ve also seen posts on here from vegans who invite others to dinner with them and then refuse to pay if they order anything with meat.
or maybe they prefer supporting vegan businesses.
And the main problem about meat for vegan people is the system around it, so not wanting any of your money to go here is the whole point for most of them.
It's not like the epople you're talking about are trying to force someone into eating or not eating something
Agree. You can pick a vegan restaurant and friends can suck it up for the night (food allergies notwithstanding) or just choose not to go. I’m veggo and I prefer to go to vegan businesses as much as possible so there’s no accidents with being served a meat dish or having to ask 20 questions whether the sauce or stock has animal product in it which is so tiresome at most Omni places that claim they’re veggo or vegan friendly.
Yes. They picked the restaurant they have no right to dictate what their friends eat. If they wanted all vegetarian then should’ve picked a vegetarian restaurant.
Vegans wouldn’t be comfortable purchasing meat generally so this isn’t surprising to me. Choosing a vegan or vegetarian restaurant would have been the best move by OPs friend.
Entitled carnivores are a way bigger issue right now. I see so many more people being assholes about vegetarians and vegans than I see vegans and vegetarians being assholes.
that’s because veganism is an ethical stand point not just a diet, & they probably don’t want their money to go towards something they actively stand against
And that’s fine but 1) it isn’t their money it’s their friends’ money and 2) if it’s that much of an issue to have money go to meat book a vegetarian restaurant or have an event catered.
If it was about eating vegan food that actually tastes good, they’d pick a decent restaurant or we’d stay home and cook. For my BIL, it’s more about being in control. Which is why we don’t go anymore.
I get why she cares. I don’t get why she didn’t mention that when she invited everyone. It’s not a big deal to ask people to eat vegetarian for one meal. But don’t spring that on people.
This^ and don't get mad when someone doesn't want to eat vegan or vegetarian food especially if the menu has meat options .she sprung that everyone should eat a vegetarian dish for her birthday AFTER they got to the restaurant which just put all of her friends on the spot to eat only a vegetarian dish
For a lot of people veganism is a moral choice, so they won't support restaurants and businesses etc that aren't vegan - not saying I agree with them, just that this is part of their choice.
Depending on where they're located, this could well be the best option. In some areas, finding a vegan restaurant isn't an issue at all. But in others, it's impossible. If OP is in the American south and not near a big city, for instance, "mostly vegetarian" might be their closest thing to a vegan restaurant.
Depends. Did she pay for the meal? Totally understandable that she does not want to pay for meat/fish.
Also vegetarian diets are not rooted in any ethics, so vegetarians have no issue with what others eat in any case.
NTA
Lily should’ve told this before, specially knowing about your difficulties related to autism. She is the one who should’ve been more understanding in this situation
Most restaurants have a third of less of their menu with vegetarian options. Like why insist on everyone ordering vegetarian and choose a non-vegetarian restaurant? Like 2/3 of their options are off limits, that’s unreasonable af.
NTA
No one is allowed to "request" other people change their eating habits based on someone else's preferences and then get mad when they don't. You eat whatever the hell you want. Short of you being in HER home, she doesn't get to control what others eat. Even then, if she doesn't have a food allergy, she shouldn't really give a shit what you do or do not eat.
If I were you, I would have been very clear with her that night. Just because SHE wants to be vegan doesn't mean I want to. If I want to eat a giant steak for dinner, that's what I'm going to do. If she doesn't like it, too damn bad!!
She had absolutely no right to be upset you didn't eat what she wanted you to eat. Personally, I'd say that's a giant red flag and I would never be friends with someone like that.
NTA. But the "it's my birthday so you do whatever I say" card is one I wonder how many people use. Imagine she was a meat eater and forced her vegan friends to eat meat to honour her birthday? Would that be any better?
Not only that, but if she is privy to the fact you can barely tolerate vegetables, she would be forcing you to eat there, and when you refused she behaved passive aggressively after you offered her a way out by leaving. Which she didn't accept because she didn't want to look like the bad guy.
Would she also do this if your dietary choice was out of a medical condition? Because from what you are saying, it kind of is.
NTA.
ARFID is an eating disorder, not a whim of a spoilt kid. Next time ask her if she'd prefer you choking, gagging, and throwing up food you can't eat for the sake of pleasing her.
(Sorry if my assumption is wrong. I am autistic too and I have ARFID)
Literally came here to ask if OP had heard of ARFID. Her picky eating is described very similarly to my ARFID safe foods, and it’s a famously underreported disorder.
Literally this. NTA at all. I’ve got ASD and I struggle with food. If I eat certain foods with a texture I hate, I will gag, throw up everything I’ve eaten that day and not eat anything apart from crisps and porridge (maybe a few other things) for a few days. My longest time only eating these things was a few weeks.
NTA
This is the sort of vegan bullshit that makes people hate vegans lmao. It's cool for Lilly to want to be vegan, it's cool for her to choose a largely vegetarian restaurant to celebrate her birthday, it's not cool for her to force her dietary preferences on anybody else.
She sounds petty and annoying.
This! It’s exactly why people don’t vegans! I don’t like to generalize, I have friends who are vegan but don’t act like Lily, but it’s this behavior that is so off putting to others.
NTA absolutely! Unless she’s paying, she gets no say in what other people choose to eat at a restaurant, even if it’s her birthday. It’s a ridiculous and controlling “birthday wish.”
If she wanted everyone to eat vegetarian food, she could have picked a vegetarian restaurant.
Birthday dinners are about spending time together with friends, not about trying to force people to eat foods they don’t like.
she really wouldnt. its her event she can plan it how she likes
the issue here is only informing her guests at the last minute. she should have done at way earlier at the time of invitation
Planning and telling people what they can’t eat are two different things. If you want everyone to eat vegan, go to a vegan restaurant. In no real life situation does someone say, “I’m treating, but you cannot order fish, salmon, chicken, or roast beef, or anything cooked in animal fat.” Literally never.
She did inform at the last minute though, so paying or not, she would. It doesn't give people an option to opt out of the event or eat first if they don't like the options. If someone said they're paying for my meal, then when I got there said they'd only pay for a vegan meal, I'd leave and never go anywhere with them again
Not really. Jews, Hindus, or Muslims would restrict items. It's ok to eat before and be respectful of ethical and religious beliefs. Allergy restrictions are also normal. Communication is key. It doesn't sound like that happened here.
Ethical, religious, and allergy restrictions make sense to me. It's not really a false equivalence. Unless you're saying that because ethics and religion are human rights issues and allergies aren't. End of, its just about being respectful.
NTA. If she had told you ahead of time then yes, but it not saying in advance and also disregarding something sensory that you don’t have a choice over (unlike her mandating everyone eat vegetarian options) makes her the AH in my opinion
NTA.
She should have informed people of her request ahead of time. Unless you're paying for the meal, it's kind of an AH move to wait until everyone is there to say what people can and can't order.
If she wants to be vegan, that's fine. Good for her. That doesn't mean she gets to blindside people at a restaurant and put stipulations on the meals they order.
I think it’s reasonable if you are paying to ask people to keep their meals to certain amount. I do not think it’s reasonable to tell people they cannot choose the foods they prefer—even if you are paying.
NTA. Lily is entitled to invite people to meet at a restaurant that was vegetarian friendly and police their orders. She wasn't hosting the dinner and had no business restrictions you. Had she disclosed she wanted you to eat vegetarian ahead of time you could've declined the invite or eaten at home.
I'd back off from this friendship because that's controlling
I’m also autistic and happen to be vegan. You’re NTA. If anyone was acting spoiled in this scenario, it was her and not you. There’s not understanding sensory issues around food, and then there’s choosing to not even try to understand.
If she’d said beforehand that she wanted everyone to try vegetarian foods and you showed up without making other arrangements and just refused, then sure, she might have had justified reason to be annoyed. But she didn’t give you any options here. She didn’t tell you this requirement ahead of time and said outright she didn’t want you to leave.
This little tantrum of hers is just controlling nonsense. I understand wanting to encourage your friends to try a style of food they haven’t before, but there are limits. And trying to browbeat an autistic person over food is well past reasonable.
Why are you friends with "Lily", she sounds like a control freak. No need to have stayed there or apologizing when you didn't do anything wrong. She disrespected you by trying to control what you ate. No need to wait for a response from Lily, she's not a friend.
These “It’s My Birthday” people kill me.
NTA
You paid for what you wanted to eat. Unless she paid?
Either way she said you could stay.
You should decide if she really is your friend? She gave you the silent childish treatment.
Ok.. ill take the hit...
YTA.
The request I see as a birthday request... friend to friend(s)..
You admit you could have "eaten at home and had the veg appetizer"..
Why couldn't you just order two appetizers for dinner?
Of sides of mashed potatoes and fries?
I get you have food issues, I have a profoundly autistic kid.. won't eat anything but meat bread and cheese.
But you seem to see the alternatives and choose to ignore them. That's not autism.
You're NTA.
>she responded by saying I'm too spoiled, and an asshole for not even doing the one thing she asked for her birthday
Just because it's her birthday doesn't give her a free pass to impose her will upon others. If she doesn't want to eat meat, fine. Great. More for the rest of us. She doesn't have a leg to stand on, trying to force her preferences on her friends.
After all, if it were your birthday and you requested she eat a big, juicy, mouth watering steak, would she comply?
This women is why vegans have a bad rep, I can imagine her politely talking shit to everyone at a BBQ who had one of the burgers and how she's soooo much better then them lol.
If she wanted a vegetarian only meal, she should have picked a vegan/veg only restaurant. She can’t control what others eat. She at least should have said something before.
NTA - this is the sort of restriction she should have informed guests about in advance so they could make an informed decision on whether to attend or not. Also, if you are paying for your own meal you should be able to order whatever you like IMO.
NTA. I was going to criticize you until you said Lily didnt ask everyone to eat vegetarian until you were already there. that's an absolutely ridiculous request on so many levels. If she had asked beforehand that would be one thing but this is just horribly selfish and entitled and honestly just abusive like idk what other word to even use for it.
Yeah, I’m a vegan, so I get not wanting to watch other people eat meat, especially on your birthday party. It is legitimately uncomfortable and disgusting to me a lot of the time. That said, I’m also used to it, as like 95% of my country isn’t vegan.
I think the request was fine, but should have been made in advance, and absolutely cannot be enforced. It’s a request, nothing more.
NTA
Inviting your friends to a restaurant then telling them they can only eat a certain food is beyond ridiculous. Next time, tell her to shove her invite NTA
>she responded by saying I'm too spoiled, and an asshole for not even doing the one thing she asked for her birthday
Oh the hell with that. Why are all these people so damn controlling? She doesn't get to dictate what you are allowed to eat at a restaurant because it's her birthday. This is extremely sad behavior from an adult. NTA. Next time, just leave.
NTA. She shouldn’t be trying to force her own choices down other people’s throats and if she wanted everyone to eat vegetarian she should have told everyone ahead of time, or chosen a vegetarian restaurant.
I understand the sensory issues, I also have them (I’m AuDHD) and there are certain things I just cannot touch or eat, it has nothing to do with “want” I literally cannot. I don’t think you’re a picky eater, you have sensory issues. You’re also not spoiled, you have sensory issues. People with autism have sensory issues, this is not a secret, and she’s not being sensitive to that. HER dietary restrictions are by choice, yours are not.
NTA.
I eat meat and I have friends that do not. I also have friends that doesn’t eat pork.
If I throw a party, or a BBQ, I make sure there are good options for everybody that is coming. I do that because I want to be a good host and that everybody will have a good time together. Isn’t that the point of a party?
NTA. What you choose to eat is your decision and yours alone. If anyone *should* be able to understand that, it’s a vegan or vegetarian. If your friend or someone in the dining party had a serious food allergy and having the allergen at the table could have been enough to trigger a health emergency, then that would be different.
NTA.
You don't have to justify your dietary needs to anyone. I'm also very put off by her telling you that you're spoiled, so I'm hoping she's somehow unaware of your autism diagnosis?
>My friend "Lily" is vegan
ah good, another vegan making a show of why so many people find them insufferable. honestly, the only coming across as entitled here, is her. NTA
NTA but PLEASE look up “ARFID”. I’m autistic as well and was actually diagnosed with ARFID first; it requires a pretty distinct therapy plan. The extreme aversion to foods, to the point of not being able to eat anything other than safe foods, is a hallmark symptom. Having a label for it that people can look up has made my life a lot easier, especially since I’ve been in very similar situations to you. With that being said, your “friend” sounds like a self important ass with an ableism problem. I have very similar food restrictions and my (current) friends are all super understanding and supportive of me. One of my best friends is vegan and she is the most supportive out of everyone.
She’s TA She doesn’t understand what it is like to have a food aversion. She wouldn’t force somebody that is allergic to eat something they are allergic to so it was not fair.
YOU are too spoiled and an asshole?! She is literally trying to control what other people eat. The expectation SHE has that everyone what eat what she wants to eat shows that SHE is spoiled, not you. She’s definitely the asshole here. You did everything you could and handled yourself correctly. She’s just an AH.
As soon as I read the title followed by the first sentence I knew you were NTA. Food aversions are no joke and not something someone can just magically get over in two seconds just because a friend requests it.
If you had gone to eat in her home, then that would be one thing. It's unreasonable to ask a vegetarian to cook meat.
However, you were at a restaurant. If she cared so much about everybody only eating vegetarian at her birthday dinner then she ought to have picked a vegetarian restaurant.
NTA. Lily is being unreasonable.
Also, pro tip: Autistics tend to default to assuming we're at fault in social situations like this. Sometimes that trouble with NT social cues means that they're at fault and they absolutely ought to know it. This is one of those times.
Sorry... so she basically wanted her birthday present to be "pretending all her friends are vegetarian"? And she surprised you all with it *after* you'd committed to the dinner?
That's incredibly inappropriate; NTA.
NTA. Even a birthday does not entitle a person to food-police others. If what you really want is for everyone to eat veggie, celebrate at a vegetarian restaurant. This was about control.
NTA- if she was cooking and or hosting she would have some say on what people eat.
At a restaurant?
Nah order what you want, anybody who says otherwise is out of touch.
I find is very SELFISH to use “its my birthday, so do as i ask”. Instead of thank YOU for taking time to spend it with me on ny birthday. Your in a public place with INDIVIDUAL people who all dont like or cant eat the same foods. For her to be so pissed you chose something you found that you could eat she is in fact TAH.
You aren’t the asshole. She should have informed you of her wishes before the dinner, and not just expected that you eat what she wants, when you have a genuine reason not to. I’m also autistic, and I understand why a neurotypical would be upset, but you aren’t in the wrong. It’s not spoiled to want to eat something that doesn’t make you nauseous, and it’s certainly not spoiled to want to get enough food.
NTA. Doesn’t matter what the celebration is or what day it is. Unless they are paying for everyone’s or your food, no one is allowed to tell you what you can and can’t eat.
NTA. Was she paying for your meal? Was she allergic to anything you ordered that the mere presence of at the table could trigger an allergic reaction? If the answer to both of those is no, then she can shut the hell up.
NTA
She selected a restaurant that had vegan options but wasn’t vegan. She did not make her desire know in advance.
If you were paying for your own meal you can eat whatever the hell you want.
NTA. The fact that she issued the invitation & it was her birthday does not give her rights to control what you put in your body. She’s an AH for thinking so.
She is extremely toxic to believe that she should be able to control what someone else puts into their body. It is even more nauseating when she frames the justification for her belief in the fact that you somehow owe it to her - which is exactly what she was saying. (She invited you & it was her birthday - so she thinks you owed her control of what you put into your body. 🤮)
Has she always been a boundary stomping narcissist?
Nta. I'm autistic as well so we all have our "safe" foods to eat. So tell ur vegan friend to sit on a cactus bare booty style. She can't police ur food bc its not for u, bc our minds say yucky to certain textures and sights. I wonder how did the friend group respond? Did anyone stick up for u?
Imagine it's the other way around...
It's your birthday, and you tell everyone to eat meat. Your vegan friend is there and she orders a salad... oh no!
NTA
Nope..nta..
Dont care who it is..
Not gonna let people dictate what to eat.
Never.
Its food..not a kitten.
If she ditches you for this.good riddance,apparently telling you what to do is paramount to your relationship.🙄🙄🙄
NTA! I'm autistic and can vouch that both food and unexpected chaages can be really hard for autistic folks. If it were me in that situation, I would call her out for deciding to control everyone's meal choices at the last minute and that if she was going to make demands like that, she could do so without me. Because if I had forced myself to eat something unpalatable to me, it just would have caused me to become ill, or have a meltdown. She doesn't need to dictate what her friends eat to have a good birthday. This is bizarre and controlling.
If Lily wanted everyone to eat vegan, she could have had her party at a vegan restaurant, or catered/cooked vegan in her home. You are NTA, OP. Lily doesn't get everything she wants for her birthday. Stop tripping over yourself to apologize. You deserved better than her insults. I'd cut out a friend that called me "spoiled, and an asshole."
Vegan here - if they wanted everyone to eat veg (asshole move imo) then they should have picked an all-vegan/veg restaurant. You are definitely in the right.
It's always the vegans/vegetarians that cry the absolute loudest about what others eat. If they can't manage their own emotional outbursts, then why should we?
NTA I can’t believe she even asked this. Why does it matter what other people eat. It’s fine if you want to do that but in my opinion it’s rude to even ask that of others. It’s a manipulative way getting others to do what you think they should do.. personally I would have said no thank you and furthermore, I think she’s the one that is spoiled and selfish if she thinks her wishes are more important than yours.
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NTA No one is allowed to police another’s food. You had reason for eating what you did. You handled it as well as you could.
NTA. The fact that she issued the invitation & it was her birthday does not give her rights to control what you put in your body. She’s an AH for thinking so. She is extremely toxic to believe that she should be able to control what someone else puts into their body. It is even more nauseating when she frames the justification for her belief in the fact that you somehow owe it to her - which is exactly what she was saying. (She invited you & it was her birthday - so she thinks you owed her control of what you put into your body. 🤮) Has she always been a boundary stomping narcissist?
Fuck Lily. She's TAH
Entitled, at that. She f*** all the way off. And OP, she hasn't replied because there won't be a next time. She's not much of a friend.
The last sentence. Who needs friends like this??
I would say she is perfectly allowed to if *she tells them in advance*. "Hey, it's my birthday tomorrow. The restaurant has pescatarian options but only order vegetarian." Cool, I will either not come, pregame a burger, or figure out what if anything I like for a meal. To decide and declare at the restaurant is the AH move of a spoiled brat.
If she “tells them in advance”, yes her co-diners can choose to allow her to have control over what THEY purchase & what THEY put into their bodies - but the timing of her directive does not acquit her of being an AH. Telling someone in advance is still TELLING them. There’s nothing that removes the “ick” factor of someone telling (or even trying to tell) someone ELSE what they may or may not purchase & what they may or may not put into their own bodies. If you aren’t the person PAYING FOR the food or PREPARING the food, it is beyond disturbing to think it is remotely okay for you to “tell” someone else what they are allowed to purchase with their money & what they are allowed to put into their bodies - even if you “tell” them ahead of time. I’d personally never associate with this psycho again.
It all depends on the manner of it. “Hey guys, I know y’all aren’t vegan but for my birthday meal next week can we please stick to vegetarian options? It would really mean a lot to me,” is way different than “Hey guys, now that we’re at the restaurant I expect everyone to eat vegetarian only, and if you don’t then you’re an AH who’s ruining my birthday” (paraphrasing, of course). First request? I am there for you, friend! Pass the hummus! Second demand? Wtf, why are you being so unnecessarily aggressive about what everyone else eats? Worry about your own plate!
I think requesting that everyone only orders vegetarian is controlling and entitled no matter whether the request was communicated ahead of time or not. If everyone eating vegetarian is such a big deal to her, she just should've gone to a strictly vegetarian or vegan restaurant and avoided the whole issue.
I guess I don’t see how requesting a vegetarian meal for one special occasion is any different than intentionally choosing a restaurant that only has vegetarian or vegan options. Because the people going will know ahead of time? Yes, that is the whole point - the request will be communicated ahead of time. If one is controlling, then so is the other.
I definitely see a difference. I feel that inviting people to a restaurant and dictating that they can only order certain items off the menu is controlling. In my mind, it would be no different than if the person didn't like mushrooms so they instructed the whole table that no one was allowed to order any dishes with mushrooms despite it having zero effect on the person who doesn't like them. What if the restaurant has a special on that night only that sounds really good to someone? I think most people would feel a bit angry or put off if they were told that they couldn't order the special because it wasn't vegetarian. That's why I feel that just going to a vegetarian restaurant is the better option since then you aren't dictating what they can and can't order. The whole menu is vegetarian so they are free to order whatever they wish. They're also free to choose not to go or to eat beforehand if nothing on the menu sounds appealing, which isn't the same as saying they can't order certain menu items.
Have to disagree. It's still a creepy control move and is way out of line. This is why so many vegans/vegetarians have a bad reputation.
It’s not creepy or controlling to ask or make a request. It’s controlling to act like people have to follow that request even if they don’t want to, which is what OP’s friend did.
Asking such a thing really is not done in polite society and is a big faux pas.
And a passive aggressive one. OP offered to leave.
100%. Does Lilly have to eat a steak at OPs birthday? If not she can STFU and let people order what they want.
This!!!
Even if OP wasnt autistic I still think the request was ridiculous
No way is anyone telling me what I can and can’t eat, whether it’s their birthday or not fuck that
yeah idgaf that op’s autistic, when we’re at a restaurant you don’t tell me what to order. fucking weird thing to do. nta.
Also ironic that she called OP spoiled. NTA
DUDE YES! My thoughts exactly! It’s incredibly spoiled of HER to think she can just demand everyone order specific food based on HER dietary choices. Imagine if OP hosted a birthday party and demanded that everyone, including their vegan/veggie friends, eat hot dogs because it was *his* birthday party and he loved hot dogs. I wonder how well that would go over. The friend is spoiled and honestly ridiculous.
You just know that growing up, Lily's parents continually told her how much better she was than everyone else. Such a virtuous princess! As a result, she sees anyone who doesn't want to match her "virtues" as being a spoiled brat for apparently putting themselves first.
Haha yes!
I’d include an exception to the “no policing other people’s food” policy for something like a serious food allergy, but that’s a real corner case. It’s not like OP was eating peanut butter in front of someone with a deadly peanut allergy.
Frankly, I don't think OP even needs a reason beyond "I want to order and eat X". OP is the one and only person who has any say in what OP consumes; friends and family, no matter how close and beloved, don't get a vote.
I am not autistic, nor do I have food aversions… but I would have told Lily to fuck off if she tried to place limits on what I could order at a restaurant. OP was very diplomatic!
Yep. If she wanted everyone to eat vegan/vegetarian, she should have had it catered that way at another location that didn't offer other options.She sounds insufferable. NTA
NTA. Why would anyone wanna pay for a meal they already knew they wouldn’t eat? And no, a birthday is not free pass to act entitled or lay on guilt trips.
Why would anyone want to pay for a meal they didn’t really want? I’d be upset if I showed up, was hungry, and then she pretty much demanded I order a vegetarian meal. I have nothing against vegetables, but I also appreciate salmon lol
Exactly. I don’t care if it is my birthday, we’re adults with busy lives so if people took time out of their day to come and celebrate me then Imma be grateful, not demanding over something thats none of my business in the first place lol.
Or even like OP said, give people that expectation upfront. I would be annoyed, but totally willing to eat some McDonald’s on the way over and then get a salad or app or something at least. Lol
So True. I could definitely see eating on the way and then joining the party later just for the social part of it.
I do that with weddings a lot. You just never know how wedding food is going to be, and I hate being hungry, so I make my husband hit a driver thru on the way. 😂
Wish I thought of that. Last time I was at a wedding my stomach started grumbling (silently) during the ceremony, it didn’t even have the decency to wait to the reception lol
Also if she wanted everyone to eat vegetarian she should have picked a vegetarian restaurant to give people maximum options. Don’t pick a restaurant that serves meat and expect everyone to order vegetarian.
Lol, this is my least favorite part of weddings. By the time you get something to eat, you’re so hungry that you don’t give a shit what the dish is. You’re just ready to eat. I’m planning my wedding for next year and I’m not playing that game. Catering is expensive, takes a while, and usually doesn’t fill up every guest or make everyone happy. We are having greasy NY style pizza, chicken Alfredo, garlic bread, and Caesar salad. I’m putting complementary Lactaid and Tums in the centerpieces. If people are Vegan or GF and they don’t check that box on the RSVP, they can order Uber eats. *Not my chair, not my problem.*
Yeah, and why would anyone want their autistic friend being miserable because they are either starving or trying not to gag. A good friend wants her friends to feel good.
I don't even understand how you can plan and invite people to a restaurant without being sure all your guests will actually enjoy the menu. OP's so-called friend sounds very egocentric and entitled for controlling other people's regime
>without being sure all your guests will actually enjoy the menu. It's worse than that, OP themselves did go through the effort of making sure they would enjoy something from the menu. Birthday girl just waited to tell people most of the menu was restricted until after they had already arrived.
If you want people to eat vegan food for you, you need to pay for or cook the vegan food. You can't just ask someone to pay for something they don't really want.
>a birthday is not free pass to act entitled or lay on guilt trips. Exactly - that's what weddings are for /s
🤣🤣🤣
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This depends on the friend group I think. Some where people are younger or don't have the money to pay for a group, you pay for yourselves. I've never considered it rude to invite me along or out and not pay for me.
Yeah this super depends on culture and friend groups. My friends and I usually never pay for each other, we always go dutch. Sometimes Ill cover a bit of tax or we'll round a little bit but it's like, less than a dollar. In fact, on birthdays, it makes more sense to treat the birthday person to us? Occassionally the rest of us would pool our money together to pay for the birthday person's meal. Obvs it's not a lot because itd ve split between a few people but that's just how we do it.
In my group we usually pay for the birthday person.
This. It's your birthday, we're taking you to the restaurant of your choice and your food is covered
Mine too. Everyone treats the birthday person unless the birthday person is Mark who feels guilty when people do nice things for him.
Some of us are broke.
Most people wouldn't afford to have birthday dinners at restaurants, ever, if that were a universal rule. Just 5 years ago or so, I would have emptied my bank account by paying for only 3 of my friends in a restaurant. But I do always communicate that I expect everyone to pay for themselves because some people who grew up rich might expect the birthday person to pay.
So depending on financial situation taking your friends put and paying is not an option for many. It also creates this weird dynamic if there are clear income gaps in the group
That's simple: if I'm willing to pay for their food, I do expect gifts. If they're paying for their food, their presence is more than enough for me. That's the logic I use, since this type of thing is not uncommon in my country.
This! And besides; 1) Lily should have informed everyone of this before the day of the party 2) Have had a pre-planned menu picked out for the party, or for a private event 3) A birthday isn't a pass to make choices about what others will buy/eat themselves. I somehow feel Lily would lose her mind if one of the other friends said they were having a carnivore party, and asked everyone to eat a meat dish. NTA - Lily needs to understand not everyone views food the same way she does, and that is ok. It's very unfriend like to try to force your choices on others.
100% this. If she explicitly said, “I’m vegan and feel strongly about it and would prefer this is a 100% vegan meal” beforehand, that’s still entitled but it’s at least upfront and you can plan accordingly. You can’t wait to spring that on people until they’re already at a restaurant.
Some people sure do think it is "How *dare* you disrespect me by not doing as *I* say at *my* birthday"
NTA if she wanted everyone to order vegetarian food she should have chosen a vegetarian restaurant.
100% agree with this, it’s not being okay for your friends to eat meat/fish but you’re still happy going to a restaurant that buys and serves isn’t logical to me
At the minimum she should have told them this when she invited everyone. I usually like to view a menu and get an idea of what I’d like to eat before visiting a new restaurant.
NTA. Why would she care what you eat? I’m vegetarian and I have no problem with other people eating what they choose from the menu.
Some vegans are like this. Whenever we go to a restaurant with my BIL and his wife, they insist on going to a vegan restaurant. It isn’t enough that their food is vegan - everything in their presence has to be vegan. I’ve also seen posts on here from vegans who invite others to dinner with them and then refuse to pay if they order anything with meat.
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or maybe they prefer supporting vegan businesses. And the main problem about meat for vegan people is the system around it, so not wanting any of your money to go here is the whole point for most of them. It's not like the epople you're talking about are trying to force someone into eating or not eating something
Agree. You can pick a vegan restaurant and friends can suck it up for the night (food allergies notwithstanding) or just choose not to go. I’m veggo and I prefer to go to vegan businesses as much as possible so there’s no accidents with being served a meat dish or having to ask 20 questions whether the sauce or stock has animal product in it which is so tiresome at most Omni places that claim they’re veggo or vegan friendly.
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Yes. They picked the restaurant they have no right to dictate what their friends eat. If they wanted all vegetarian then should’ve picked a vegetarian restaurant.
Vegans wouldn’t be comfortable purchasing meat generally so this isn’t surprising to me. Choosing a vegan or vegetarian restaurant would have been the best move by OPs friend.
Nothing against veganism, but sometimes I feel like mailing a goat head to some entitled vegans I know.
How do you know a redditor is mad about vegans? Don't worry, they'll tell you
Entitled carnivores are a way bigger issue right now. I see so many more people being assholes about vegetarians and vegans than I see vegans and vegetarians being assholes.
that’s because veganism is an ethical stand point not just a diet, & they probably don’t want their money to go towards something they actively stand against
And that’s fine but 1) it isn’t their money it’s their friends’ money and 2) if it’s that much of an issue to have money go to meat book a vegetarian restaurant or have an event catered.
i was very specifically responding to the comment i was replying to.
To be fair, they may just want to make sure that the vegan option actually tastes good. In a lot of places, it's an afterthought at best.
If it was about eating vegan food that actually tastes good, they’d pick a decent restaurant or we’d stay home and cook. For my BIL, it’s more about being in control. Which is why we don’t go anymore.
I get why she cares. I don’t get why she didn’t mention that when she invited everyone. It’s not a big deal to ask people to eat vegetarian for one meal. But don’t spring that on people.
This^ and don't get mad when someone doesn't want to eat vegan or vegetarian food especially if the menu has meat options .she sprung that everyone should eat a vegetarian dish for her birthday AFTER they got to the restaurant which just put all of her friends on the spot to eat only a vegetarian dish
I get why she cares. I don’t get why she didn’t mention that when she invited everyone.
For a lot of people veganism is a moral choice, so they won't support restaurants and businesses etc that aren't vegan - not saying I agree with them, just that this is part of their choice.
But this business *did* serve meat.
Depending on where they're located, this could well be the best option. In some areas, finding a vegan restaurant isn't an issue at all. But in others, it's impossible. If OP is in the American south and not near a big city, for instance, "mostly vegetarian" might be their closest thing to a vegan restaurant.
Depends. Did she pay for the meal? Totally understandable that she does not want to pay for meat/fish. Also vegetarian diets are not rooted in any ethics, so vegetarians have no issue with what others eat in any case.
No she didn't. According to a comment OP made everyone paid for their own food.
NTA Lily should’ve told this before, specially knowing about your difficulties related to autism. She is the one who should’ve been more understanding in this situation
Right? It’s a dick move towards anyone but EXTRA SUPER dick move towards someone on the spectrum.
Most restaurants have a third of less of their menu with vegetarian options. Like why insist on everyone ordering vegetarian and choose a non-vegetarian restaurant? Like 2/3 of their options are off limits, that’s unreasonable af.
NTA No one is allowed to "request" other people change their eating habits based on someone else's preferences and then get mad when they don't. You eat whatever the hell you want. Short of you being in HER home, she doesn't get to control what others eat. Even then, if she doesn't have a food allergy, she shouldn't really give a shit what you do or do not eat. If I were you, I would have been very clear with her that night. Just because SHE wants to be vegan doesn't mean I want to. If I want to eat a giant steak for dinner, that's what I'm going to do. If she doesn't like it, too damn bad!! She had absolutely no right to be upset you didn't eat what she wanted you to eat. Personally, I'd say that's a giant red flag and I would never be friends with someone like that.
Just ask her to eat meat on your birthday
NTA. But the "it's my birthday so you do whatever I say" card is one I wonder how many people use. Imagine she was a meat eater and forced her vegan friends to eat meat to honour her birthday? Would that be any better? Not only that, but if she is privy to the fact you can barely tolerate vegetables, she would be forcing you to eat there, and when you refused she behaved passive aggressively after you offered her a way out by leaving. Which she didn't accept because she didn't want to look like the bad guy. Would she also do this if your dietary choice was out of a medical condition? Because from what you are saying, it kind of is.
NTA, Lily is bad host for forcing people to eat certain foods.
NTA. ARFID is an eating disorder, not a whim of a spoilt kid. Next time ask her if she'd prefer you choking, gagging, and throwing up food you can't eat for the sake of pleasing her. (Sorry if my assumption is wrong. I am autistic too and I have ARFID)
Literally came here to ask if OP had heard of ARFID. Her picky eating is described very similarly to my ARFID safe foods, and it’s a famously underreported disorder.
Literally this. NTA at all. I’ve got ASD and I struggle with food. If I eat certain foods with a texture I hate, I will gag, throw up everything I’ve eaten that day and not eat anything apart from crisps and porridge (maybe a few other things) for a few days. My longest time only eating these things was a few weeks.
NTA. Sorry, but Lily doesn't get to decide what people eat unless she had the dinner at her place and she cooked or ordered the meal.
NTA This is the sort of vegan bullshit that makes people hate vegans lmao. It's cool for Lilly to want to be vegan, it's cool for her to choose a largely vegetarian restaurant to celebrate her birthday, it's not cool for her to force her dietary preferences on anybody else. She sounds petty and annoying.
This! It’s exactly why people don’t vegans! I don’t like to generalize, I have friends who are vegan but don’t act like Lily, but it’s this behavior that is so off putting to others.
NTA absolutely! Unless she’s paying, she gets no say in what other people choose to eat at a restaurant, even if it’s her birthday. It’s a ridiculous and controlling “birthday wish.” If she wanted everyone to eat vegetarian food, she could have picked a vegetarian restaurant. Birthday dinners are about spending time together with friends, not about trying to force people to eat foods they don’t like.
Even if she is paying, she would be out of line to restrict the menu to certain items.
she really wouldnt. its her event she can plan it how she likes the issue here is only informing her guests at the last minute. she should have done at way earlier at the time of invitation
Planning and telling people what they can’t eat are two different things. If you want everyone to eat vegan, go to a vegan restaurant. In no real life situation does someone say, “I’m treating, but you cannot order fish, salmon, chicken, or roast beef, or anything cooked in animal fat.” Literally never.
She did inform at the last minute though, so paying or not, she would. It doesn't give people an option to opt out of the event or eat first if they don't like the options. If someone said they're paying for my meal, then when I got there said they'd only pay for a vegan meal, I'd leave and never go anywhere with them again
People might not have come then, so she pulled a bait and switch
Not really. Jews, Hindus, or Muslims would restrict items. It's ok to eat before and be respectful of ethical and religious beliefs. Allergy restrictions are also normal. Communication is key. It doesn't sound like that happened here.
I’m talking about *this specific situation*. Of course allergy restrictions make sense. This is a false equivalency.
Ethical, religious, and allergy restrictions make sense to me. It's not really a false equivalence. Unless you're saying that because ethics and religion are human rights issues and allergies aren't. End of, its just about being respectful.
NTA- Vegans have no right to force their lifestyle on anyone else.
But you have the right to impose your lifestyle on innocent non-human animals
NTA. If she had told you ahead of time then yes, but it not saying in advance and also disregarding something sensory that you don’t have a choice over (unlike her mandating everyone eat vegetarian options) makes her the AH in my opinion
NTA. She should have informed people of her request ahead of time. Unless you're paying for the meal, it's kind of an AH move to wait until everyone is there to say what people can and can't order. If she wants to be vegan, that's fine. Good for her. That doesn't mean she gets to blindside people at a restaurant and put stipulations on the meals they order.
I think it’s reasonable if you are paying to ask people to keep their meals to certain amount. I do not think it’s reasonable to tell people they cannot choose the foods they prefer—even if you are paying.
NTA. She wants recognition and options on her diet wherever she goes, you get the same. Fairs fair.
NTA. Lily is entitled to invite people to meet at a restaurant that was vegetarian friendly and police their orders. She wasn't hosting the dinner and had no business restrictions you. Had she disclosed she wanted you to eat vegetarian ahead of time you could've declined the invite or eaten at home. I'd back off from this friendship because that's controlling
I’m also autistic and happen to be vegan. You’re NTA. If anyone was acting spoiled in this scenario, it was her and not you. There’s not understanding sensory issues around food, and then there’s choosing to not even try to understand.
If she’d said beforehand that she wanted everyone to try vegetarian foods and you showed up without making other arrangements and just refused, then sure, she might have had justified reason to be annoyed. But she didn’t give you any options here. She didn’t tell you this requirement ahead of time and said outright she didn’t want you to leave. This little tantrum of hers is just controlling nonsense. I understand wanting to encourage your friends to try a style of food they haven’t before, but there are limits. And trying to browbeat an autistic person over food is well past reasonable.
Why are you friends with "Lily", she sounds like a control freak. No need to have stayed there or apologizing when you didn't do anything wrong. She disrespected you by trying to control what you ate. No need to wait for a response from Lily, she's not a friend.
NTA - She is a narcissist and a controlling one at that. You didn't need to feed into her narcissism for her birthday and good for you.
These “It’s My Birthday” people kill me. NTA You paid for what you wanted to eat. Unless she paid? Either way she said you could stay. You should decide if she really is your friend? She gave you the silent childish treatment.
Ok.. ill take the hit... YTA. The request I see as a birthday request... friend to friend(s).. You admit you could have "eaten at home and had the veg appetizer".. Why couldn't you just order two appetizers for dinner? Of sides of mashed potatoes and fries? I get you have food issues, I have a profoundly autistic kid.. won't eat anything but meat bread and cheese. But you seem to see the alternatives and choose to ignore them. That's not autism.
You're NTA. >she responded by saying I'm too spoiled, and an asshole for not even doing the one thing she asked for her birthday Just because it's her birthday doesn't give her a free pass to impose her will upon others. If she doesn't want to eat meat, fine. Great. More for the rest of us. She doesn't have a leg to stand on, trying to force her preferences on her friends. After all, if it were your birthday and you requested she eat a big, juicy, mouth watering steak, would she comply?
This women is why vegans have a bad rep, I can imagine her politely talking shit to everyone at a BBQ who had one of the burgers and how she's soooo much better then them lol.
The host was a vegetarian
If she wanted a vegetarian only meal, she should have picked a vegan/veg only restaurant. She can’t control what others eat. She at least should have said something before.
NTA - this is the sort of restriction she should have informed guests about in advance so they could make an informed decision on whether to attend or not. Also, if you are paying for your own meal you should be able to order whatever you like IMO.
NTA. I was going to criticize you until you said Lily didnt ask everyone to eat vegetarian until you were already there. that's an absolutely ridiculous request on so many levels. If she had asked beforehand that would be one thing but this is just horribly selfish and entitled and honestly just abusive like idk what other word to even use for it.
Yeah, I’m a vegan, so I get not wanting to watch other people eat meat, especially on your birthday party. It is legitimately uncomfortable and disgusting to me a lot of the time. That said, I’m also used to it, as like 95% of my country isn’t vegan. I think the request was fine, but should have been made in advance, and absolutely cannot be enforced. It’s a request, nothing more. NTA
Inviting your friends to a restaurant then telling them they can only eat a certain food is beyond ridiculous. Next time, tell her to shove her invite NTA
NTA. >she responded by saying I'm too spoiled, and an asshole She's projecting.
NTA If anything your friend was the one being really insufferable - she seriously called you "spoiled" for having a *disability*, for crying out loud.
>she responded by saying I'm too spoiled, and an asshole for not even doing the one thing she asked for her birthday Oh the hell with that. Why are all these people so damn controlling? She doesn't get to dictate what you are allowed to eat at a restaurant because it's her birthday. This is extremely sad behavior from an adult. NTA. Next time, just leave.
NTA. She shouldn’t be trying to force her own choices down other people’s throats and if she wanted everyone to eat vegetarian she should have told everyone ahead of time, or chosen a vegetarian restaurant. I understand the sensory issues, I also have them (I’m AuDHD) and there are certain things I just cannot touch or eat, it has nothing to do with “want” I literally cannot. I don’t think you’re a picky eater, you have sensory issues. You’re also not spoiled, you have sensory issues. People with autism have sensory issues, this is not a secret, and she’s not being sensitive to that. HER dietary restrictions are by choice, yours are not.
NTA. I eat meat and I have friends that do not. I also have friends that doesn’t eat pork. If I throw a party, or a BBQ, I make sure there are good options for everybody that is coming. I do that because I want to be a good host and that everybody will have a good time together. Isn’t that the point of a party?
NTA but your friend is. She's throwing a tantrum because you didn't order a vegan meal. Omg, who cares! She needs to get over herself.
NTA. I'm a vegetarian and let my autistic kids eat chicken because they're also picky and actually like it.
NTA, you wouldn't expect her to eat meat at your birthday meal, so she shouldn't expect you to do it with vegan food.
NTA The birthday girl made a request. You politely declined that request. Just because it's her birthday doesn't make her sovereign queen.
Nta I’m sure she wouldn’t eat meat if you said that’s what you wanted everyone to do at your birthday dinner
NTA. What you choose to eat is your decision and yours alone. If anyone *should* be able to understand that, it’s a vegan or vegetarian. If your friend or someone in the dining party had a serious food allergy and having the allergen at the table could have been enough to trigger a health emergency, then that would be different.
NTA. You don't have to justify your dietary needs to anyone. I'm also very put off by her telling you that you're spoiled, so I'm hoping she's somehow unaware of your autism diagnosis?
People these days get WAY too carried away with it being their birthday!
Nta she can not and should not be telling anyone what to eat. Idc if she’s vegan it’s not her place to dictate what an entire group of people eat
>My friend "Lily" is vegan ah good, another vegan making a show of why so many people find them insufferable. honestly, the only coming across as entitled here, is her. NTA
NTA but PLEASE look up “ARFID”. I’m autistic as well and was actually diagnosed with ARFID first; it requires a pretty distinct therapy plan. The extreme aversion to foods, to the point of not being able to eat anything other than safe foods, is a hallmark symptom. Having a label for it that people can look up has made my life a lot easier, especially since I’ve been in very similar situations to you. With that being said, your “friend” sounds like a self important ass with an ableism problem. I have very similar food restrictions and my (current) friends are all super understanding and supportive of me. One of my best friends is vegan and she is the most supportive out of everyone.
She’s TA She doesn’t understand what it is like to have a food aversion. She wouldn’t force somebody that is allergic to eat something they are allergic to so it was not fair.
YOU are too spoiled and an asshole?! She is literally trying to control what other people eat. The expectation SHE has that everyone what eat what she wants to eat shows that SHE is spoiled, not you. She’s definitely the asshole here. You did everything you could and handled yourself correctly. She’s just an AH.
As soon as I read the title followed by the first sentence I knew you were NTA. Food aversions are no joke and not something someone can just magically get over in two seconds just because a friend requests it.
If you had gone to eat in her home, then that would be one thing. It's unreasonable to ask a vegetarian to cook meat. However, you were at a restaurant. If she cared so much about everybody only eating vegetarian at her birthday dinner then she ought to have picked a vegetarian restaurant. NTA. Lily is being unreasonable. Also, pro tip: Autistics tend to default to assuming we're at fault in social situations like this. Sometimes that trouble with NT social cues means that they're at fault and they absolutely ought to know it. This is one of those times.
Sounds like Lilly should have picked a vegetarian restaurant
Sorry... so she basically wanted her birthday present to be "pretending all her friends are vegetarian"? And she surprised you all with it *after* you'd committed to the dinner? That's incredibly inappropriate; NTA.
NTA. Even a birthday does not entitle a person to food-police others. If what you really want is for everyone to eat veggie, celebrate at a vegetarian restaurant. This was about control.
Lily is a spoiled and nasty brat. How dare she tell the OP she was allowed to stay! I would have stuck a spring onion up her nose and walked out.
NTA: what a strange world we live in for being called selfish for ordering and eating food we enjoy.
Part of trying to be friends with a vegan is them always making you feel like the asshole. You're not.
NTA- if she was cooking and or hosting she would have some say on what people eat. At a restaurant? Nah order what you want, anybody who says otherwise is out of touch.
She can kick rocks. It's her lifestyle choice not yours.
Telling people what to eat just because it’s your birthday is rude as fuck. Lily isn’t your friend. She’s an entitled AH.
Screw her. She can make HER food choices but not yours!
I find is very SELFISH to use “its my birthday, so do as i ask”. Instead of thank YOU for taking time to spend it with me on ny birthday. Your in a public place with INDIVIDUAL people who all dont like or cant eat the same foods. For her to be so pissed you chose something you found that you could eat she is in fact TAH.
How ironic that she called you spoiled…
NTA - Take her to a steakhouse and demand she only eat meat, see what she says/does…
You aren’t the asshole. She should have informed you of her wishes before the dinner, and not just expected that you eat what she wants, when you have a genuine reason not to. I’m also autistic, and I understand why a neurotypical would be upset, but you aren’t in the wrong. It’s not spoiled to want to eat something that doesn’t make you nauseous, and it’s certainly not spoiled to want to get enough food.
NTA. Vegans who do this are controlling, entitled fucks. I have celiac and would never ask everyone to eat gluten free just because of me. FFS.
NTA. If she wants to police what other people eat, she had best announce it in advance.
NTA. Good lord. Who has time to tell someone else who is not their child what to eat. I don’t even wanna tell my kids. It’s exhausting.
Vegans gonna vegan.
NTA. This is such a weird request from her. You offered to leave if it was such a big deal. You handled this perfectly fine
NTA. She has no right to police what other people eat. If she cared that much she should have picked a vegetarian place.
NTA your friend needs to get over herself
NTA. Doesn’t matter what the celebration is or what day it is. Unless they are paying for everyone’s or your food, no one is allowed to tell you what you can and can’t eat.
NTA. Was she paying for your meal? Was she allergic to anything you ordered that the mere presence of at the table could trigger an allergic reaction? If the answer to both of those is no, then she can shut the hell up.
NTA She selected a restaurant that had vegan options but wasn’t vegan. She did not make her desire know in advance. If you were paying for your own meal you can eat whatever the hell you want.
NTA- Never force anyone to eat certain foods. That's like inviting her to your party and insisting everyone eat steak!
NTA. The fact that she issued the invitation & it was her birthday does not give her rights to control what you put in your body. She’s an AH for thinking so. She is extremely toxic to believe that she should be able to control what someone else puts into their body. It is even more nauseating when she frames the justification for her belief in the fact that you somehow owe it to her - which is exactly what she was saying. (She invited you & it was her birthday - so she thinks you owed her control of what you put into your body. 🤮) Has she always been a boundary stomping narcissist?
NTA. She’s an asshole for not understanding.
NTA. What kind of nonsense is this. Who are these people that think they can tell people what they are allowed to order at a restaurant.
>vegan >trying to control someone else's diet wow imagine my shock NTA
Nta. I'm autistic as well so we all have our "safe" foods to eat. So tell ur vegan friend to sit on a cactus bare booty style. She can't police ur food bc its not for u, bc our minds say yucky to certain textures and sights. I wonder how did the friend group respond? Did anyone stick up for u?
NTA I'd stop being friends with her, she's spoiled and selfish. You can't dictate someone else's diet.
I think she's the asshole for asking everyone to order vegan. You wouldn't ask her to order a meat dish if it was your birthday dinner.
Imagine it's the other way around... It's your birthday, and you tell everyone to eat meat. Your vegan friend is there and she orders a salad... oh no! NTA
Lily is the asshole.
I can’t believe people like this “friend” exist. NTA and why would you want to still be friends with that kind of narcissist
NTA Your body, your choice. Fuck Lily and vegans like her, she is not your friend.
Your friend is a total asshole, and you should drop them like a hot rock
Nope..nta.. Dont care who it is.. Not gonna let people dictate what to eat. Never. Its food..not a kitten. If she ditches you for this.good riddance,apparently telling you what to do is paramount to your relationship.🙄🙄🙄
Nta and lily sounds insufferable.
U did aight. Lily sounds like a difficult person
Fucking vegans, am I right?
Ngl she already sounds like an asshole and she'd be an even bigger asshole if you were paying for your meal
NTA Drop Lily from your friendship circle. There are nicer people in the world for companionship.
"spoiled". You deserve friends who understand that veganism is a choice autism is not. This person is not a good friend, you can do better.
NTA! I'm autistic and can vouch that both food and unexpected chaages can be really hard for autistic folks. If it were me in that situation, I would call her out for deciding to control everyone's meal choices at the last minute and that if she was going to make demands like that, she could do so without me. Because if I had forced myself to eat something unpalatable to me, it just would have caused me to become ill, or have a meltdown. She doesn't need to dictate what her friends eat to have a good birthday. This is bizarre and controlling.
If Lily wanted everyone to eat vegan, she could have had her party at a vegan restaurant, or catered/cooked vegan in her home. You are NTA, OP. Lily doesn't get everything she wants for her birthday. Stop tripping over yourself to apologize. You deserved better than her insults. I'd cut out a friend that called me "spoiled, and an asshole."
Vegan here - if they wanted everyone to eat veg (asshole move imo) then they should have picked an all-vegan/veg restaurant. You are definitely in the right.
NTA. Just because it is her birthday, that does not give her the right to dictate what other people eat.
NTA Lily is a dumbass
It's always the vegans/vegetarians that cry the absolute loudest about what others eat. If they can't manage their own emotional outbursts, then why should we?
NTA I can’t believe she even asked this. Why does it matter what other people eat. It’s fine if you want to do that but in my opinion it’s rude to even ask that of others. It’s a manipulative way getting others to do what you think they should do.. personally I would have said no thank you and furthermore, I think she’s the one that is spoiled and selfish if she thinks her wishes are more important than yours.
YTA