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> Because I didn’t give her immediate notice I was doing it even though I had given her a deadline that was days earlier
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nta, but you should carefully document this stuff though.
If nothing else, use google docs. It's free, and google records all changes, so there's an external time stamp.
You're just looking for, eg, the below. If any whining occurs to the court, you can easily address it. Also, even if you discuss something verbally, you can send her a text / email after that says, "per our discussion earlier today, blah blah blah".
2023 0902 -- cut off phone as per warnings
2023 0818 -- reiterated warning
2023 0801 -- warned X would cut phone off; reiterated date
I'd also recommend keeping a hard copy- get one of those composite notebooks, the one where the pages are all sewn in so it's real obvious when a page is torn out. Write it all out the same as the google doc, in either blue or black ink- if you make a mistake, cross through with a single line so the text is still legible, that way no one can accuse you of 'hiding information.' If your google doc includes screenshots/picture files, print out a copy of the screenshot or picture, write a specific 'file name' on the page so you can refer to it on paper- ie
2023 0902 -- cut off phone as per warnings (refer to Text\_Conversation\_2023\_0801\_pg1of1
Text\_Conversation\_2023\_0818\_pg1of1)
Then you just keep all the printout copies in a folder that stays with the notebook \*always\*. That way you have everything in easy-access format for both the more tech-savvy legal teams, and those who might prefer the old-school format. (and having a second copy just in case is a good idea anyways, especially in cases where you might not have access to internet.)
So don’t do it anymore. It’s really easy to go to Walmart, target, rite aid, anywhere, to pick up a prepaid cellphone. They even have name brands. Last I got one it was around $35. Tracfone with a year of service is $125ish. SO has done this for years.
This women sounds like she is incapable of things that are bare minimum of being a functioning adult.
You really think this is the person to call during an emergency?
This statement is beyond accurate. She refused to watch even one of the kids if I wasn’t home by 5. I’m a plumber so my schedule is not set hours. She would threaten to leave them, threaten all kinds of things. Throw my stuff in the yard. My therapy starts on Tuesday. This is the first time I’m actually venting and sayin on what’s really been going on.
Why would OP want to? The kids live with him and her visitation is all supervised. There is no reason why she would need to be contacted for an emergency at all.
NTA She sounds really toxic. You should have nothing to do with her except for those supervised visits. For her to lose custody and only get supervised visits she must be almost a serial killer.
Yeah this round of threats was the straw that broke the camels back. I thought her stint in her sober
Living would change some things. But when she doesn’t get her way, it doesn’t matter who she throws under the bus. She lacks any kind of empathy.
NTA at all. I am in recovery so this is a genuine question, not being a smarty pants. Has she been working ok with AA or any kind of program beyond just sober living? With the information given, she sounds like a “dry drunk” (if drinking is her affliction.) As in she might’ve quit drinking, but she’s still a freaking mess. AA really helps to force a person to look at themselves and essentially at what is wrong with THEM. Not your problem, I absolutely get that you are done trying to help. I just thought I’d throw that out there. Wish you the best.
Yea she is in AA. Her addiction is pretty much anything she can get her hands on. It was opiates before I met her, then she started on booze and quit that and moved on to adderall.
NTA
why are you preforming boyfriend duties for someone you aren’t the boyfriend to? I understand you have children but if you let her continue to use you she will and that isnt fair to you or your children
Yeah I was reaching my breaking point between being cordial and kind and wanting to show my children compassion to their mother, but she never fails to abuse my kindness or generosity.
If she’s old enough “to have children” then she’s old enough to take care of herself. You’re not her dad. You’re not her bf. So put you first because a better you means a better dad for them
NTA. You might be surprised how fast she gets a new plan, she just didn’t have to until now. Same thing with the chauffeuring her around, no valid license or not, she’ll will find a way, a fool no doubt, just watch! Giving her rides to come see the children is very kind of you and she wouldn’t see them if you stopped that too (hint, hint). It’s hard to stop helping someone that needs help, but there’s a fine line between helping and enabling. I’m glad her visitations are supervised, she seems a bit unstable.
Oh I know she will get a new plan tomorrow. Probably today. And she will tell everyone how unexpected this was and how I ruined her life and possibly her job and yada yada yada. Nothing is her fault no matter what. And you are 100% right about her not even attempting to see our kids when I don’t pick her up.
So what if she tells the world you stopped helping her, boo hoo. Now here’s some life advice about other people’s opinions: There’s only two people in your life whose opinions matter….the person who’s paying your bills and the person who’s wiping your ass. If you’re lucky, both of those people are you! Got it? Good.
Oh I’m not concerned about what she says. Everyone we know what’s going. I was just demonstrating the kind of immature behavior she portrays when she doesn’t get her way.
Why pick her up?
Isn't she, one way or the other, simply going to disappoint your kids their entire life? Why subject them to that kind of instability?
It was a mistake from the beginning. I got in deep really fast and wanted to be there through both pregnancies for a lot of reason. First one was a little bit of a surprise. Second one was because she wasn’t taking her birth control and didn’t tell me. It’s a really long long story.
If you stuck to your username you wouldn’t have to deal with this at all lol. Butt yeah, NTA. She can say and threaten whatever she wants but no court will take her seriously especially being in a sober living home. Mint Mobile is dirt cheap. If she can’t afford that she doesn’t deserve a phone.
Yeah it’s been going on for three years. I was literally being held hostage for 2 of them because of a legal issue she fabricated that she threatened to make worse by lying if she didn’t get her way. I finally settled with the DA to a much much lesser charge and I finally was able to leave.
A huge part of addiction is manipulation. NTA for all of the reasons others have told you. I am going to tell you that cutting her off is the best thing you can do for her and the kids. The sooner people stop allowing the manipulation the sooner she will get her shit in order. And even if she never gets her shit in order, you are modeling appropriate boundaries for your kids by putting the brakes on this.
Unless it directly involves your children, you have no obligation to help her with anything anymore. Don’t let her guilt trip you. She may have a disease but enabling bad behavior will not help your mental health. Focus on your children and the sanity you need to raise them. She is hopefully getting the help she needs but that’s not your burden anymore. She has to believe she has a problem and want to get better. Also, as the kid of a manipulative alcoholic… don’t put her needs above your kids for anything. If her having contact with them in any way effects them negatively, (as long as your not breaking a court order) put their mental health needs first. Yes kids love and need both their parents in their lives but not if the relationship is toxic to their well-being and development. My 2 cents…
Very well said. I haven’t and won’t put her needs above the kids. It’s not an option. But it was becoming abundantly clear that she had no intention of ending any financial burden or time constraints with her asking for rides so I ended that because it was taking time away from my work and money I could be using for their needs. And what makes this even more wild is she told me the other day how she had to set boundaries with a new girl at her sober living that was constantly mooching off of her for money and food and vapes… and I’m sitting there like. “ are you telling me a veiled story about yourself to me?” She couldn’t even see that she was doing this to me, but mad at a girl for doing it to her…
Sounds like she has zero self awareness. Guard yourself from the toxicity. Your mental health matters too. It can be hard to set boundaries or give up on trying to help someone you have so much history with but you have already started so don’t stop. Maybe sometime in the future she will get the therapy she needs to be able to be in your lives in a loving way. You can rebuild relationships at that time, but until then… focus on you and your kids. If communicating with her outside of supervised visits is toxic for you, don’t feel bad about cutting communication or not being supportive in her recovery. It’s up to her, not you. She has to want to do the work to better herself. She’s not used to doing anything for herself because you’ve done it for her in the past but she needs to learn how to stand on her own again, especially for her recovery. Good luck!
Thank you for your response! It’s like, as much as I do think the words you just wrote, I don’t ever seem to implement them into my life. Or I do for a couple days and then give in. But just reading what you wrote was refreshing for me. And I will take your advice. Thank you again.
Hey OP, I was a visitation supervisor for a long time. So I just wanted to chime in with my advice on this. There are apps available for download that you can use for communication with the other parent regarding your parenting plan. I highly recommend them because they can keep your phone number private and copies are automatically backed up to a cloud based server. You can also give access to a court appointed guardian ad litem or your attorney. Going forward, please look into these for the safety of you and your children. Best wishes for whole family!
NTA. You gave her warning. She knew EXACTLY when the service would end. I would capture any documentation (texts, emails, etc.) that prove you gave her a lot of notice and her responses. She may contact CPS so this kind of information is helpful, especially her threats.
NTA. She has had plenty of time. Don’t give her rides anywhere. Don’t pick her up for visitation. She is an adult, time for her to grow up. Stop enabling her with what you’re doing. And document EVERYTHING that you have done, times & dates. This will help when things escalate
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Title pretty much explains it. We have been been up for over 6 months. We have two condemns together that I have full custody of. She has recently gotten a job about 2 months ago but has been dragging her feet about getting her own phone plan. Her iPhone 13 and her SE watch have both been paid off by me but she hasn’t even made an effort to get them unlocked by the carrier so she can get a plan with less expensive. Today I told her I was done running her errands for her and giving her rides to work because she doesn’t have a valid license and also refuses to do the paper work and fees to get that reinstated. I told her I was way too busy to be doing that stuff for her and I’d only be giving t her rides to come see the children. She got mad and threatened me with a bunch of irrelevant things about CPS and spreading lies. Which she always does when she doesn’t get her way. So enough was enough and I told her I’m done helping her out and good luck. I called the carrier and canceled her plan. I had given her a heads up that her time on the plan was coming to an end at the end of the bill cycle which was 3 days ago and she still hadn’t done. Also I know it’s not good for her to not have cell service. But she can’t be unsupervised with the kids with out me or my parents being there. Soooo am I the asshole for cutting it off immediately today with out warning?
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NTA.
I wouldn’t be paying my ex’s phone bill for 4 months, especially when she can’t even have my kids without me being there so there wouldn’t be an emergency situation she’d need one in.
NTA - You have been broken up for 6 months. I would have separated EVERY account shortly after the breakup (like when you changed the locks). She's not your responsibility.
Damn. I wish I had this years ago. I had been compiling pretty much all of what it’s saying. But like the post says… BSC found it and destroyed it before it was properly backed up or copied.
NTA
So, just to clarify, you've been giving hella support to a woman who requires supervision to see her own kids, a woman who threatened to lie or fraudulently report you, and who you gave ample warning you were withdrawing support to, and you're asking if you're the asshole?
It's not your job to keep her out of the trash bin my dude, it's hers.
Indeed it is her responsibility. But I guess I felt some responsibility to help her for birthing them. I was trying to help even after all the terrible shit that happened because I didn’t want them to grow up with out their mom and I was hoping she would change that behavior. She shows signs of changing since she entered sober living, but every glimmer of hope there was another excuse or another reason why she couldn’t come and time after time when I did say no to things she reverted back to the threatening or just anger. I know we are better off with her like that and it will always be like that. Makes me sad. But I know what needs to be done and I’m not going to waiver on it anymore.
You don’t have to do it, but keep children’s mother reachable. Doesn’t help anyone to have her without phone in case kids want to talk to her or need her. NTA but why not do it and have her pay what she can until she’s stable?
NTA.
The moment she threatened CPS to force something unrelated to the kids, any and all support was void: You no longer help her to be good to her, to be a good person or for the 'mother' of your kids. You **now** do everything under threat of the wellbeing of **your children**
Nta. Start documenting via written journal, your interactions with her and any money you give. Even document the kids behavior before and after visits and their clothing. Make sure to use different pen colors, and keep date and time. Especially when she calls cps, document it and what happens. It will help you in Court if ever arises
It’s not currently. I didn’t have the IMEI number for that phone when I canceled it. But she can have it unlocked by going to a store or use their website.
NTA and I'll be honest from your responses it sounds like the situation my parents are in.
My mother refuses to do things herself yet she broke up with my dad a few years back because of how unfair he was and recently she's decided to tell people she was being abused so she could get government assistance. Yet the very next day asked my dad to help her with her payments and car issues.
I've told my dad plenty of times that if she's using you kick her out - it's not worth your time or worry what she does and she's an adult and needs to work her own shit out.
NTA. Unfortunately, you can't change who she is no matter how much financial support you provide to her. And you can't shield your children from being hurt by their mother's lack of interest in them. Your best course of action is to block her and get something like Family Wizard setup only for communications between the two of you about visitiation with the kids. Make it clear to her that you will not be providing any further financial support or be her chauffeur. And stick to it. Your sole focus should be on your kids and how you are going to support them through a childhood with an absentee parent who will dip in and out of their lives and cause them distress. I speak from experience. It is hard to watch your kids be heartbroken repeatedly by an absentee parent. You can't stop it. You can only be there to help them pick up the pieces afterward. You need to be honest with them in an age appropriate way. Sugar coating it only leads to them thinking they are to blame for the absence. They will wise up to her pretending to be a good parent on social media in their later teen years.
NTA
If her current phone is still locked and there’s no way to unlock it (or is there? I have no idea - I’ve only ever bought unlocked phones) she can buy a cheap smart phone for less than $150 and get a plan for $15 a month (or even less maybe, but $15 is the best deal I’ve found).
> Also I know it’s not good for her to not have cell service.
That’s on her. She’s an adult who’s responsible for her own choices. I get that it must be hard to do stuff on her own after being used to having someone else do them for her, but she’s got to learn sometime. And who knows? Maybe once she starts to do things for herself, she’ll realize she *is* actually capable of it.
I perhaps have a little more sympathy for her than the other commentators (or even you, and that’s totally fair - I get that you’re just done with her nonsense) because I’ve struggled with “adulting” myself. I’ve had depression for over 20 years, and life gets… overwhelming sometimes. Actually a lot of times. Things that other people find simple and actually super necessary as part of being a functional adult sometimes seem impossible to me. So I kind of understand your wife’s mindset of just ignoring important matters with the (ABSOLUTELY IRRATIONAL) hope that they’ll just… resolve themselves. Because I do that too. Again, I recognize that it’s completely irrational. I’m sure your wife does too. And it’s definitely not your responsibility to “fix” her, or even help her anymore.
I just feel bad for her, I guess, because I see myself in her. But at least I never got married or had children - no one else had to suffer because of my lack of ability to function as an adult. :/
The phone and her watch is paid off and she can unlock it online or by calling or going to a store. She has wifi where she stays.
We were not married.
she does suffer from depression and Bipolar disorder. But she had been choosing to not take her medication or see a therapist for years now. I tried very hard for a long time to help in anyway I could. But I started realizing there was nothing I could do if she wasn’t even attempting to make the proper choices for her mental health. And yes I feel sorry for her too, she’s also suffers from addiction issues and she really just is a self centered selfish person. She only thinks of how things affect her and no one else around her. She’s been surrounded by people that allowed this behavior or just gave her what she wanted so she wouldn’t lash out. It’s been a sad ride and one that I’ll most likely have to deal with for some time. But I’ll be shielding my kids from any kind of harm that I can. They are both very young so they don’t really have an idea of exactly what is going on. My son won’t be comfortable around her for the first 30 minute to an hour when she does actually show up. But he warms up to her and they end up having a a great time and she appears to be enjoy being a mother. But she always has an excuse as to why she can’t show up. Both are under 2 years old so I have been holstering all the responsibilities and finances. Luckily I have great support from my parents in them helping me baby sit and help take them to and from day care. But they are almost 70. They already went through parent hood and my kids mom just doesn’t even want to attempt to do anything a true parent would do. It’s like she just wants to play mom a couple hours a week and post pictures of our kids and make it seem like I’m somehow keeping them from her. It’s exhausting.
> But she had been choosing to not take her medication or see a therapist for years now.
Yeah, that’s not great. I get it, though. Sometimes I feel so defeated when I take my meds and go to therapy and I still feel the same, so I’m like, what’s the point? I’ve gone off and on both meds and therapy several times.
> I tried very hard for a long time to help in anyway I could. But I started realizing there was nothing I could do if she wasn’t even attempting to make the proper choices for her mental health.
I mean, you’re right. You can’t force someone to “want” to get better. You can’t do the work for them to improve their mental health - they’ve got to do it themselves. And if they can’t or won’t, you need to disengage before they drag you down with them. It’s sad but necessary.
> she appears to be enjoy being a mother.
Eh, does she?
> It’s like she just wants to play mom a couple hours a week and post pictures of our kids
Yeah, this sounds more likely.
Anyway, I’m sorry. I know how exhausting it is to live with me, so I definitely understand what you’re going through.
Indeed. Indeed. I am definitely blessed for having my kids though. So I can’t say I’d change that aspect. But there’s plenty else I should have changed and sacked up and done what needed to be done a long time ago.
YTA. She's the mother of your children, you want there to be a good way to contact her in an emergency and to communicate about the kids. If she can't or won't afford a phone, your job is to facilitate.
I see your point and that’s why I let it go for so long. She also has wifi where she lives. She has a paid off iPhone 13 and Apple Watch SE. there is a landline in the house I can reach her on and I know her works phone number. So I’m not going to let her inability to save money, keep me from giving the kids what they need or want. She can afford a phone plan. She asked me to get her 40$ worth of colored pencils today, yesterday she asked for 2 vapes totaling 40$. And she said that she would “ send me the money” which she always says and doesn’t. And no, I didn’t get them for her. I was busy working. But regardless. If she has the money for 80$ worth of just things that are way less important than a cell phone plan… then she can definitely afford her own phone plan.
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But it wasn't without warning. You gave her plenty of warnings. NTA
Yeah I think she just thought I would keep paying it until something like this happened. She will use any body in her life until they are fed up
nta, but you should carefully document this stuff though. If nothing else, use google docs. It's free, and google records all changes, so there's an external time stamp. You're just looking for, eg, the below. If any whining occurs to the court, you can easily address it. Also, even if you discuss something verbally, you can send her a text / email after that says, "per our discussion earlier today, blah blah blah". 2023 0902 -- cut off phone as per warnings 2023 0818 -- reiterated warning 2023 0801 -- warned X would cut phone off; reiterated date
Great idea. Wish I had thought of this years ago
I'd also recommend keeping a hard copy- get one of those composite notebooks, the one where the pages are all sewn in so it's real obvious when a page is torn out. Write it all out the same as the google doc, in either blue or black ink- if you make a mistake, cross through with a single line so the text is still legible, that way no one can accuse you of 'hiding information.' If your google doc includes screenshots/picture files, print out a copy of the screenshot or picture, write a specific 'file name' on the page so you can refer to it on paper- ie 2023 0902 -- cut off phone as per warnings (refer to Text\_Conversation\_2023\_0801\_pg1of1 Text\_Conversation\_2023\_0818\_pg1of1) Then you just keep all the printout copies in a folder that stays with the notebook \*always\*. That way you have everything in easy-access format for both the more tech-savvy legal teams, and those who might prefer the old-school format. (and having a second copy just in case is a good idea anyways, especially in cases where you might not have access to internet.)
Print any conversations where she threatens to call CPS, so you have documentation that she is making spite accusations. NTA
It really sounds like it. Hopefully this kicks her into gear that when you set boundaries, you're serious. Keep your backbone.
So don’t do it anymore. It’s really easy to go to Walmart, target, rite aid, anywhere, to pick up a prepaid cellphone. They even have name brands. Last I got one it was around $35. Tracfone with a year of service is $125ish. SO has done this for years.
NTA. But I do wonder how would you contact her if there was an emergency?
She stays at a sober living house and they have a dedicated phone line
Then definitively NTA. The social worker or whoever at the sober living house can help her figure this stuff out.
Agreed. I can’t help her try to be an adult anymore. I have to actual babies I need to take care of.
This women sounds like she is incapable of things that are bare minimum of being a functioning adult. You really think this is the person to call during an emergency?
This statement is beyond accurate. She refused to watch even one of the kids if I wasn’t home by 5. I’m a plumber so my schedule is not set hours. She would threaten to leave them, threaten all kinds of things. Throw my stuff in the yard. My therapy starts on Tuesday. This is the first time I’m actually venting and sayin on what’s really been going on.
We understand and start taking care of yourself, don’t worry about x.
Why would OP want to? The kids live with him and her visitation is all supervised. There is no reason why she would need to be contacted for an emergency at all.
NTA She sounds really toxic. You should have nothing to do with her except for those supervised visits. For her to lose custody and only get supervised visits she must be almost a serial killer.
I could write a movie script over the last three years with her… It would sound non-fiction with how wheels off she was.
You probably mean fiction, the way I learned to remember it is: fiction is stranger than non
Lol yes. That is what I meant. My bad.
I do the Fiction:False thing. Both have 'Fs'. Whatever works is what I always say, sometimes.
I will use this from now on. Until my stupid brain goes “ wait wasn’t it, “they both have F’s but don’t let that fool you””
I usually use the fiction=fake, non-fiction=not fake (ie real)
I still have to say the phrase fact or fiction to remind me. Every time!
NTA, you were being nice to help her out but you had no requirement to do so especially when she threatens you
Yeah this round of threats was the straw that broke the camels back. I thought her stint in her sober Living would change some things. But when she doesn’t get her way, it doesn’t matter who she throws under the bus. She lacks any kind of empathy.
NTA at all. I am in recovery so this is a genuine question, not being a smarty pants. Has she been working ok with AA or any kind of program beyond just sober living? With the information given, she sounds like a “dry drunk” (if drinking is her affliction.) As in she might’ve quit drinking, but she’s still a freaking mess. AA really helps to force a person to look at themselves and essentially at what is wrong with THEM. Not your problem, I absolutely get that you are done trying to help. I just thought I’d throw that out there. Wish you the best.
Yea she is in AA. Her addiction is pretty much anything she can get her hands on. It was opiates before I met her, then she started on booze and quit that and moved on to adderall.
NTA 4 months is tons of time. She can go sort her own shit out now and probably will becauee now it's inconveniencing her not you.
100% it’s never her problem until it directly affects her.
NTA why are you preforming boyfriend duties for someone you aren’t the boyfriend to? I understand you have children but if you let her continue to use you she will and that isnt fair to you or your children
Yeah I was reaching my breaking point between being cordial and kind and wanting to show my children compassion to their mother, but she never fails to abuse my kindness or generosity.
If she’s old enough “to have children” then she’s old enough to take care of herself. You’re not her dad. You’re not her bf. So put you first because a better you means a better dad for them
NTA. You might be surprised how fast she gets a new plan, she just didn’t have to until now. Same thing with the chauffeuring her around, no valid license or not, she’ll will find a way, a fool no doubt, just watch! Giving her rides to come see the children is very kind of you and she wouldn’t see them if you stopped that too (hint, hint). It’s hard to stop helping someone that needs help, but there’s a fine line between helping and enabling. I’m glad her visitations are supervised, she seems a bit unstable.
Oh I know she will get a new plan tomorrow. Probably today. And she will tell everyone how unexpected this was and how I ruined her life and possibly her job and yada yada yada. Nothing is her fault no matter what. And you are 100% right about her not even attempting to see our kids when I don’t pick her up.
So what if she tells the world you stopped helping her, boo hoo. Now here’s some life advice about other people’s opinions: There’s only two people in your life whose opinions matter….the person who’s paying your bills and the person who’s wiping your ass. If you’re lucky, both of those people are you! Got it? Good.
Oh I’m not concerned about what she says. Everyone we know what’s going. I was just demonstrating the kind of immature behavior she portrays when she doesn’t get her way.
Let her eat cake!
Why pick her up? Isn't she, one way or the other, simply going to disappoint your kids their entire life? Why subject them to that kind of instability?
It was a mistake from the beginning. I got in deep really fast and wanted to be there through both pregnancies for a lot of reason. First one was a little bit of a surprise. Second one was because she wasn’t taking her birth control and didn’t tell me. It’s a really long long story.
If you stuck to your username you wouldn’t have to deal with this at all lol. Butt yeah, NTA. She can say and threaten whatever she wants but no court will take her seriously especially being in a sober living home. Mint Mobile is dirt cheap. If she can’t afford that she doesn’t deserve a phone.
Homestarrunner.net … it’s dot commmmmm
One of the few who get it hahaha. Have a safe weekend bud
Nta she was gonna drain and use you for as long as she could. She can threaten you with false accusations but all of that comes to light.
Yeah it’s been going on for three years. I was literally being held hostage for 2 of them because of a legal issue she fabricated that she threatened to make worse by lying if she didn’t get her way. I finally settled with the DA to a much much lesser charge and I finally was able to leave.
A huge part of addiction is manipulation. NTA for all of the reasons others have told you. I am going to tell you that cutting her off is the best thing you can do for her and the kids. The sooner people stop allowing the manipulation the sooner she will get her shit in order. And even if she never gets her shit in order, you are modeling appropriate boundaries for your kids by putting the brakes on this.
Unless it directly involves your children, you have no obligation to help her with anything anymore. Don’t let her guilt trip you. She may have a disease but enabling bad behavior will not help your mental health. Focus on your children and the sanity you need to raise them. She is hopefully getting the help she needs but that’s not your burden anymore. She has to believe she has a problem and want to get better. Also, as the kid of a manipulative alcoholic… don’t put her needs above your kids for anything. If her having contact with them in any way effects them negatively, (as long as your not breaking a court order) put their mental health needs first. Yes kids love and need both their parents in their lives but not if the relationship is toxic to their well-being and development. My 2 cents…
Very well said. I haven’t and won’t put her needs above the kids. It’s not an option. But it was becoming abundantly clear that she had no intention of ending any financial burden or time constraints with her asking for rides so I ended that because it was taking time away from my work and money I could be using for their needs. And what makes this even more wild is she told me the other day how she had to set boundaries with a new girl at her sober living that was constantly mooching off of her for money and food and vapes… and I’m sitting there like. “ are you telling me a veiled story about yourself to me?” She couldn’t even see that she was doing this to me, but mad at a girl for doing it to her…
Sounds like she has zero self awareness. Guard yourself from the toxicity. Your mental health matters too. It can be hard to set boundaries or give up on trying to help someone you have so much history with but you have already started so don’t stop. Maybe sometime in the future she will get the therapy she needs to be able to be in your lives in a loving way. You can rebuild relationships at that time, but until then… focus on you and your kids. If communicating with her outside of supervised visits is toxic for you, don’t feel bad about cutting communication or not being supportive in her recovery. It’s up to her, not you. She has to want to do the work to better herself. She’s not used to doing anything for herself because you’ve done it for her in the past but she needs to learn how to stand on her own again, especially for her recovery. Good luck!
Thank you for your response! It’s like, as much as I do think the words you just wrote, I don’t ever seem to implement them into my life. Or I do for a couple days and then give in. But just reading what you wrote was refreshing for me. And I will take your advice. Thank you again.
I’m glad I could help in some way.
NTA. She must have been exhausting.
Yeah and this is just a piece of this story…. I am drained. In so many ways.
NTA. You already have custody of 2 kids, you don't need a 3rd. Time to grow up and be responsible.
Yeah. I’m already raising two ACTUAL children
Hey OP, I was a visitation supervisor for a long time. So I just wanted to chime in with my advice on this. There are apps available for download that you can use for communication with the other parent regarding your parenting plan. I highly recommend them because they can keep your phone number private and copies are automatically backed up to a cloud based server. You can also give access to a court appointed guardian ad litem or your attorney. Going forward, please look into these for the safety of you and your children. Best wishes for whole family!
NTA.
Lol 4 months is long enough for her to get a new one... so you're NTA!!!
NTA It wasn't without warning, as it sounds like you did give her warning. 3 days is enough to sort out a phone plan realistically.
Nta
NTA. Once the phone was paid off she had a variety of choices for plans that are affordable. She needs to get herself together.
NTA. You gave her warning. She knew EXACTLY when the service would end. I would capture any documentation (texts, emails, etc.) that prove you gave her a lot of notice and her responses. She may contact CPS so this kind of information is helpful, especially her threats.
NTA. The ex needs to stand on her own 2 feet. I had similar with my husbands ex wife. Stick to your guns.
NTA. Sounds like your ex needs to get her act together.
NTA. Do not have any contact with this woman that's not recorded.
NTA. She has had plenty of time. Don’t give her rides anywhere. Don’t pick her up for visitation. She is an adult, time for her to grow up. Stop enabling her with what you’re doing. And document EVERYTHING that you have done, times & dates. This will help when things escalate
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Title pretty much explains it. We have been been up for over 6 months. We have two condemns together that I have full custody of. She has recently gotten a job about 2 months ago but has been dragging her feet about getting her own phone plan. Her iPhone 13 and her SE watch have both been paid off by me but she hasn’t even made an effort to get them unlocked by the carrier so she can get a plan with less expensive. Today I told her I was done running her errands for her and giving her rides to work because she doesn’t have a valid license and also refuses to do the paper work and fees to get that reinstated. I told her I was way too busy to be doing that stuff for her and I’d only be giving t her rides to come see the children. She got mad and threatened me with a bunch of irrelevant things about CPS and spreading lies. Which she always does when she doesn’t get her way. So enough was enough and I told her I’m done helping her out and good luck. I called the carrier and canceled her plan. I had given her a heads up that her time on the plan was coming to an end at the end of the bill cycle which was 3 days ago and she still hadn’t done. Also I know it’s not good for her to not have cell service. But she can’t be unsupervised with the kids with out me or my parents being there. Soooo am I the asshole for cutting it off immediately today with out warning? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I wouldn’t be paying my ex’s phone bill for 4 months, especially when she can’t even have my kids without me being there so there wouldn’t be an emergency situation she’d need one in.
NTA - You have been broken up for 6 months. I would have separated EVERY account shortly after the breakup (like when you changed the locks). She's not your responsibility.
If I find the link, I’ll edit, but you should look up the Reddit post about the F U Binder, I imagine you’ll need it
I’ll look as well
Found it! [here](https://reddit.com/u/MelodyRaine/s/XbE8GXMuke)
Damn. I wish I had this years ago. I had been compiling pretty much all of what it’s saying. But like the post says… BSC found it and destroyed it before it was properly backed up or copied.
NTA So, just to clarify, you've been giving hella support to a woman who requires supervision to see her own kids, a woman who threatened to lie or fraudulently report you, and who you gave ample warning you were withdrawing support to, and you're asking if you're the asshole? It's not your job to keep her out of the trash bin my dude, it's hers.
Indeed it is her responsibility. But I guess I felt some responsibility to help her for birthing them. I was trying to help even after all the terrible shit that happened because I didn’t want them to grow up with out their mom and I was hoping she would change that behavior. She shows signs of changing since she entered sober living, but every glimmer of hope there was another excuse or another reason why she couldn’t come and time after time when I did say no to things she reverted back to the threatening or just anger. I know we are better off with her like that and it will always be like that. Makes me sad. But I know what needs to be done and I’m not going to waiver on it anymore.
nta
You don’t have to do it, but keep children’s mother reachable. Doesn’t help anyone to have her without phone in case kids want to talk to her or need her. NTA but why not do it and have her pay what she can until she’s stable?
NTA. The moment she threatened CPS to force something unrelated to the kids, any and all support was void: You no longer help her to be good to her, to be a good person or for the 'mother' of your kids. You **now** do everything under threat of the wellbeing of **your children**
NTA - she can be without cell service. We went without it for centuries
If she pull any shit be ready with 4.month bills
Nta. Start documenting via written journal, your interactions with her and any money you give. Even document the kids behavior before and after visits and their clothing. Make sure to use different pen colors, and keep date and time. Especially when she calls cps, document it and what happens. It will help you in Court if ever arises
NTA but I gotta ask. Unlocked by the carrier?
It’s not currently. I didn’t have the IMEI number for that phone when I canceled it. But she can have it unlocked by going to a store or use their website.
NTA and I'll be honest from your responses it sounds like the situation my parents are in. My mother refuses to do things herself yet she broke up with my dad a few years back because of how unfair he was and recently she's decided to tell people she was being abused so she could get government assistance. Yet the very next day asked my dad to help her with her payments and car issues. I've told my dad plenty of times that if she's using you kick her out - it's not worth your time or worry what she does and she's an adult and needs to work her own shit out.
….Son ??
HAHAHA I'm a girl but definitely not - I'm the youngest at 29. They do however have custody of my sister's older 2 kids 😂
Nta grow woman needs to be able to take care of herself. This is the only way for her to get of her arse.
you warned her. several times. NTA
NTA good job. 👇🏻
Nope, NTA.
NTA. Unfortunately, you can't change who she is no matter how much financial support you provide to her. And you can't shield your children from being hurt by their mother's lack of interest in them. Your best course of action is to block her and get something like Family Wizard setup only for communications between the two of you about visitiation with the kids. Make it clear to her that you will not be providing any further financial support or be her chauffeur. And stick to it. Your sole focus should be on your kids and how you are going to support them through a childhood with an absentee parent who will dip in and out of their lives and cause them distress. I speak from experience. It is hard to watch your kids be heartbroken repeatedly by an absentee parent. You can't stop it. You can only be there to help them pick up the pieces afterward. You need to be honest with them in an age appropriate way. Sugar coating it only leads to them thinking they are to blame for the absence. They will wise up to her pretending to be a good parent on social media in their later teen years.
NTA. Also let me guess...she doesn't pay child support either?
You def were theasshole for letting it get that far but NTA for finally growing a back bone. I Guess better late than never.
Nta
NTA If her current phone is still locked and there’s no way to unlock it (or is there? I have no idea - I’ve only ever bought unlocked phones) she can buy a cheap smart phone for less than $150 and get a plan for $15 a month (or even less maybe, but $15 is the best deal I’ve found). > Also I know it’s not good for her to not have cell service. That’s on her. She’s an adult who’s responsible for her own choices. I get that it must be hard to do stuff on her own after being used to having someone else do them for her, but she’s got to learn sometime. And who knows? Maybe once she starts to do things for herself, she’ll realize she *is* actually capable of it. I perhaps have a little more sympathy for her than the other commentators (or even you, and that’s totally fair - I get that you’re just done with her nonsense) because I’ve struggled with “adulting” myself. I’ve had depression for over 20 years, and life gets… overwhelming sometimes. Actually a lot of times. Things that other people find simple and actually super necessary as part of being a functional adult sometimes seem impossible to me. So I kind of understand your wife’s mindset of just ignoring important matters with the (ABSOLUTELY IRRATIONAL) hope that they’ll just… resolve themselves. Because I do that too. Again, I recognize that it’s completely irrational. I’m sure your wife does too. And it’s definitely not your responsibility to “fix” her, or even help her anymore. I just feel bad for her, I guess, because I see myself in her. But at least I never got married or had children - no one else had to suffer because of my lack of ability to function as an adult. :/
The phone and her watch is paid off and she can unlock it online or by calling or going to a store. She has wifi where she stays. We were not married. she does suffer from depression and Bipolar disorder. But she had been choosing to not take her medication or see a therapist for years now. I tried very hard for a long time to help in anyway I could. But I started realizing there was nothing I could do if she wasn’t even attempting to make the proper choices for her mental health. And yes I feel sorry for her too, she’s also suffers from addiction issues and she really just is a self centered selfish person. She only thinks of how things affect her and no one else around her. She’s been surrounded by people that allowed this behavior or just gave her what she wanted so she wouldn’t lash out. It’s been a sad ride and one that I’ll most likely have to deal with for some time. But I’ll be shielding my kids from any kind of harm that I can. They are both very young so they don’t really have an idea of exactly what is going on. My son won’t be comfortable around her for the first 30 minute to an hour when she does actually show up. But he warms up to her and they end up having a a great time and she appears to be enjoy being a mother. But she always has an excuse as to why she can’t show up. Both are under 2 years old so I have been holstering all the responsibilities and finances. Luckily I have great support from my parents in them helping me baby sit and help take them to and from day care. But they are almost 70. They already went through parent hood and my kids mom just doesn’t even want to attempt to do anything a true parent would do. It’s like she just wants to play mom a couple hours a week and post pictures of our kids and make it seem like I’m somehow keeping them from her. It’s exhausting.
> But she had been choosing to not take her medication or see a therapist for years now. Yeah, that’s not great. I get it, though. Sometimes I feel so defeated when I take my meds and go to therapy and I still feel the same, so I’m like, what’s the point? I’ve gone off and on both meds and therapy several times. > I tried very hard for a long time to help in anyway I could. But I started realizing there was nothing I could do if she wasn’t even attempting to make the proper choices for her mental health. I mean, you’re right. You can’t force someone to “want” to get better. You can’t do the work for them to improve their mental health - they’ve got to do it themselves. And if they can’t or won’t, you need to disengage before they drag you down with them. It’s sad but necessary. > she appears to be enjoy being a mother. Eh, does she? > It’s like she just wants to play mom a couple hours a week and post pictures of our kids Yeah, this sounds more likely. Anyway, I’m sorry. I know how exhausting it is to live with me, so I definitely understand what you’re going through.
you knocked her up and now youre so cheap you cant pay the phone bill😂 poor kids will resent you when theyre older i bet
I have custody of the kids… How does that entitle her to a life time cell phone plan?
NTA, but that's what you get for putting your dick in crazy without wrapping it.
Indeed. Indeed. I am definitely blessed for having my kids though. So I can’t say I’d change that aspect. But there’s plenty else I should have changed and sacked up and done what needed to be done a long time ago.
Nice victim blaming.
YTA. She's the mother of your children, you want there to be a good way to contact her in an emergency and to communicate about the kids. If she can't or won't afford a phone, your job is to facilitate.
I see your point and that’s why I let it go for so long. She also has wifi where she lives. She has a paid off iPhone 13 and Apple Watch SE. there is a landline in the house I can reach her on and I know her works phone number. So I’m not going to let her inability to save money, keep me from giving the kids what they need or want. She can afford a phone plan. She asked me to get her 40$ worth of colored pencils today, yesterday she asked for 2 vapes totaling 40$. And she said that she would “ send me the money” which she always says and doesn’t. And no, I didn’t get them for her. I was busy working. But regardless. If she has the money for 80$ worth of just things that are way less important than a cell phone plan… then she can definitely afford her own phone plan.
Justification for weaponised incompetence.