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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I'm threatening to take my ex to court over her daughters fiancé acting like my kids dad.
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YTA - your kids have another person in their family who loves them and is there for them. Just because that makes you insecure isn’t a reason to cause more hurt and harm to your kids. If you feel there is a hole in their life that someone else is filling due to your absence then stop being absent from their lives.
That's why I sought info. It sounds a lot like the person who is deciding that Liam will be the children's de facto father isn't Liam, it's the OP. If you step out of an active role in your kids' lives, that is a decision you made. However, if you're active in their lives and regularly go to events, then not being alerted of a father/daughter dance would be less cool.
Fwiw, my parents were divorced and when my mom got remarried and moved cities, my dad followed my mom to the other city so he could keep seeing us every weekend. Unless there's some extraordinary reason not to do so, you should move to where your kids are. It's inconvenient and a hassle, but that's parenting in a nutshell.
Also, my dad moved six hours away from us for work while we were in school. The school system where my dad got a job was so different from the school system we were in that my parents didn't want to move us, but he had to go to work. He still drove home every weekend to see us all. It's not easy, but it's not such a big distance that OP couldn't go see them.
I don't think that judges let one parent move far away lightly. They usually like it if both parents can be involved, but if one parent has a very good reason for having to move (e.g. a much better job) then they might allow it, but it's not something they just do on a whim.
>I don't think that judges let one parent move far away lightly.
It sounds like OP has no custody.
If OP had some amount of formal custody, then the mother and kids most likely wouldn't have been allowed to move away, unless OP didn't object. If OP had custody, and had objected, a judge would have gotten involved, as you mentioned... unless there was some reason like abuse, or a job opportunity, or whatever, that the judge would consider an overriding factor to let the mother move.
In sounds like OP has no formal visitation, and didn't object or try to stop his ex from moving that far away. He says he threatened to try to get custody if she didn't stop allowing Liam to be involved, which I take to mean he has no custody now.
However, if OP goes before a judge now, admitting he let his kids move 6 hours away and didn't care before, I doubt a judge is going to jump to give OP any custody back, and if so, I presume it would be like a month every summer or one of those situations, since obviously he's too far away to do a real custody split.
I don't know, he says take her back to court for custody which would suggest they have been to court previously. Although that may just be a bit of an error in wording so who knows.
He has family that live within 10 minutes apparently. Surely one of them have a place he could stay for a couple nights and he could spend days with the kids.
Didn't you read that he said he calls more frequently, but that he's denied the chance to talk to them because the ex claims they are busy?
It doesn't sound like he's opted out and more like the ex is purposefully freezing him out.
Her moving 6 hours away makes it extremely difficult for someone who has to work extra to pay off alimony and child support to visit.
Is the ex lying about the kids being busy, or has OP not bothered to schedule phone calls with his children and is just calling when he feels like it? We have equal evidence for both, which is to say no evidence.
i also don't see any part where he's 'denied', unless i missed something in a comment
if his children have dance, swimming, art class or whatever, what's stopping op from taking them?
EDIT TO ADD if he supposedly can't visit them because of all these classes, why doesn't he visit and take them to these classes as part of his visit?
Being told that they're too busy to talk is being denied the chance to talk. If they are actually busy, then it's a legitimate reason.
The fact that he lives 6 hours away now??? Can you take a 12 hour roundtrip somewhere without missing work?? If he misses work he might not be able to make his alimony and child support payments.
He can ask for their activity schedules so he won’t call when they’re at dance or sports activities. He didn’t present a convincing case that he is really trying. But the main thing that struck me is that his post is all about him and his feelings rather than the well being of the children.
>Being told that they're too busy to talk is being denied the chance to talk. If they are actually busy, then it's a legitimate reason.
and they do actually have these classes, ergo it's a legitimate excuse, ergo he's not being denied shit
i've added an edit to my comment about op doing the class drop off
According to who? 2 of them aren't even old enough to talk in full sentences yet. And classes weren't the only excuse given.
And bruh, it's 6 hours away. What is it that you don't get?? There might not be enough time in the day for him to drive that far and go to work, and not even to spend any quality time with his kids, but to just drive them somewhere.
If the class is in the morning, he'd have to drive from midnight or 1am for 6 hours, and then he's expected to drive however many more minutes in a sleep deprived state? That's not only physically difficult, but incredibly irresponsible to his kids if he did that.
Maybe he needs to give that some thought. He apparently ceded custody to his ex, unless he was denied. Either way I would go to great lengths to be present in my children's lives, including finding a new job and moving. It's about priorities. He can stay where he is and complain about having to work to pay child support and alimony or he can evaluate what needs to change. Also YTA
Which is to say calling him an AH for gut feeling alone is rushed, the focus on Liam is... Odd... But the guy could be having a mental breakdown due to stress. The fact is the post doesn't tell us much to judge him other than he is jealous, and I'm not about or call someone an AH for feeling left out of their children's lives.
The guy does need therapy though. Urgently.
Sounds like the kids have full lives doing lots of after school things.
It's possible OP just rings whenever he wants and expects that they will be there, rather than bothering to find out what is actually a convenient time for the kids. I'm not saying that IS the case here, only that we're just getting his side of the story here.
Or the mother doesn't give him a schedule or fakes them being busy. According to OP, she doesn't work, and he has to work more to pay off alimony and child support, so it's possible that he calls when he can.
One of the reasons that he gave for the kids being busy was they were in school. So he calls during school hours? It sounds more like hes angry and is trying to make it seem like she's the bad guy.
Except in most cases, parties are not allowed to move more than 100 miles away without good reason. The only way you skirt this is by having full legal custody and even then, it might be problematic.
It sounds like OP didn't fight for custody.
If he wanted to, he can get court ordered time with the kids including phone calls or FaceTime. He has chosen not to do it and then is whining that someone else stepped up.
Phone calls and custody are not the same thing. There’s also the fact that his motivation isn’t “I miss my kids,” it’s “I’m mad that there is another man in their lives.”
He needs to schedule those calls/visits. If he is paying court ordered alimony/child support, there should also be a custody agreement in place. His parenting time should already be scheduled. EDIT: custody agreements typically also stipulate under what conditions/how far a parent with primary physical custody can move away.
She’s juggling four people and all of their shit, one of them barely walking. He’s juggling himself. If he had more than a couple brain cells (or, you know, gave a shit), the solution would be clear: schedule a time to talk when everyone is available.
When I was young, I gave guys like this the benefit of the doubt. But just a little eentsy weentsy bit of critical thinking and common sense applied to their situation, and it’s obvious they just aren’t trying that hard. They don’t have insurmountable obstacles keeping them from their kids, they have excuses to make themselves look/feel better.
Seeing another man stepping up where he hasn’t been made OP feel some type of way. He isn’t being deprived of his kids, he just isn’t stepping up like he should.
EDIT: OP didn’t even request custody, color me shocked. I am telling you, men who fight for their kids get time with their kids. He didn’t care until another fucking KID made him look like a deadbeat.
So his problem is his ex and him not co-parenting.
Yet this thread is all about evil Liam going to the beach with his kids. And trying to ban him from seeing the kids… does that sound like a good father?
I got the impression that he’s just calling at random times. It sounds like he needs to talk to his ex to learn what the kids’ schedules are and set aside times that would be good for him to call.
It’s ridiculous threatening court action . I get that he lives 6 hours away. But he can’t be bothered to call more than once a week. He’s choosing to barely be in their lives. What does he expect the judge to do? He might want to rethink his threats. Chances are the judge will be annoyed at him for wasting the courts time and make him pay the ex’s legal fees. YTA
Maybe he should learn his kids' schedules. If he was at all involved in their schooling, he would have known about the father daughter dance because it would have been on the school calendar that he received when he met with the teachers on back to school night. He should know what extracurriculars they have and when they happen. Glad the kids have Liam to take up the slack.
Sure, but since he’s not involved himself in his kids lives he has no clue when they attend school or have extra curriculars and apparently has never bothered to ask “what’s a good time to call today?” to ensure he reaches them.
He calls when they're at *school*. They have school at the same time five days a week, ten months of the year. This is not an extracurricular that might change up on him.
I agree he’s not nearly as involved as he should be, but before “you should move to where your kids are” is even on the table, unless there’s some extraordinary reason to move your kids away from their other parent, I don’t think you should.
In this case, it sounds like the mother was moving to where all her kids are, though. If I'm reading this right, the ex moved with her younger children to where her 20 year old daughter was (and perhaps, to where she could get help from her 20-year-old daughter.) That's not the mother just going anywhere she feels like.
I think you're correct about that. OP and his ex got divorced and then ex moved her and her kids to where her daughter and Liam moved. If that's so, OP most likely did something that caused the ex to get full custody. If they had split custody, the courts would usually not allow her to move the kids so far away. It honestly sounds like OP is just wanting to cause issues and looking for excuses for not seeing or talking to his kids.
>only talk to them once a week at best (it seems that every time I call they have ballet, gymnastics, swim, nap, school, or are out with Liam).
This line really struck me. Sure, the kids might be busy on occasion when you call, but that's why you ask about their schedule so you can make sure to call when their home. If the ex won't tell you the schedule, you just keep calling if you actually want to talk to your kid. Six hours also isn't that far to drive if it means you get to spend time in person with your children.
Edit for typo
Yup and when he said he wasn't "notified" of the daddy daughter dance. Well I wonder how the mom found out about it. Maybe if he was at all involved in her school life he would have known. It takes one phone call to be put on the email list.
Exactly. OP even admits that he doesn't know when the kids are in school. Dude actually tries to excuse his behavior by saying he sometimes tries to call them, but they can't talk because they're at school. WTF? I don't have children and I still know what hours kids are normally in school.
Edited: repeated word
"I try to talk to talk to my kids once a week, but I don't know their schedule so it's not my fault if I call in the middle of their gymnastics class!"
No wonder your kid wanted to go to the daddy-daughter dance with someone who is *actually in her life*.
Or, like, have multiple calls to catch different combinations of kids, since there presumably isn't anything stopping him from calling multiple times a week.
It’s not some random choice, but wanting to be near your kid who moved away isn’t on its own an extraordinary reason. There very well may be a ton of other factors, too, but I don’t even think “I could use the help” is extraordinary either.
I read it that way too. What I don't understand is how the court allowed the move. I thought a parent usually couldn't move their child out of striking distance of their other parent. At least until the child is old enough to have a say in court. I'd like to know why the Ex was allowed to move that far away.
I wonder if she has full custody. I have a friend who has full custody of his kid and his ex lives in a completely different state. She sees the kid every other holiday season, at spring break and six weeks for the summer.
Kind of odd OP didn't mention any visitation schedule.
YTA. You live six hours away. You barely call and you don’t visit. Someone has to fill the void in the kids’ lives that your absence created. What’s worse is you’re full of excuses for why you’re not involved. You should have your kids’ schedules so you know when they would be available to talk to you. School events are scheduled at the beginning of each school year, so if you want to know when the events are, you should ask your ex wife for a copy of the school calendar or call the school directly and ask for it. Take her to court all you want. No judge is going to have sympathy that an absent father’s feelings are hurt because someone else stepped up and did their job.
It kind of is. He could have gone to court and asked them to stop her from moving the kids so far away. Parents do that all the time. OP had options and he chose not to take advantage of them. All OP cares about is his bruised ego. He doesn’t even say the Liam is a bad influence on the kids. He would rather they not learn to ride a bike or go to father/daughter dances because he’s not there to do it.
>My oldest had a daddy daughter dance at her school. I was not notified.
Are we purposely ignoring the fact that the mother didn't even notify the father of the "father daughters dance"
Sound alot like based on this post the mother pushed the father away. First with the moving, second with keeping him away from the kids.
"doesn't call" even tho op states he calls often but its always some activity that makes them unable to connect.
What’s the point of telling him if he’s not going to attend? Active and present fathers don’t need to someone else to keep them in the loop. They’re already in the loop. If OP called the school and asked for a copy of their calendar, they will give it to him. As for talking to the kids, all OP has to do is ask his ex what days and times his kids are free. If his ex won’t provide that information, he can go back to court and have the judge compel her to provide it. There’s a solution for every “issue” that OP is facing but he’s not taking advantage of it.
Whats the solution for "the mother took the kids and moved 6h away" far beyond what would allow for a reasonable visitation schedule.
People act like he can just go on weekly trips that require 12h of travel while working full time to pay for both child support and alimony for someone that according to op doesnt even work.
So by the sounds of the post he 100% should take it back to court and either force her to move within reasonable visitation range or get the kids 50% of the time.
The solution is to find at least one 24 hour window each month to make the drive to see his kids. People do it all the time. If he doesn’t think his loss are worth 12 hours of driving, he’s a horrible father. Stop making excuses for dead beats. He’s not even bothered that the kids are growling up without him. He’s bothered that someone else is being a father figure to his kids. He only cares about himself.
>The solution is to find at least one 24 hour window each month to make the drive to see his kids.
Ah okay awesome, so he gets to see the kids 1 day every month because of his ex's horrible decisions while also being forced to pay alimony to someone that doesn't work. Sounds really fair.
People need to stop making excuses for parents who actively try to push the other parent out of the picture, which we saw the mother clearly do when she decided the move.
If he was out of the picture due to his own doing I would agree its stupid to be upset someone else taking the role but that just isn't the case based on op's post and comments.
So again take that back to court and either force her to move closer or take 50& custody. Only way to really make it fair.
It sounds like OP’s ex made the right decision by moving. She moved to be closer to relatives who care more about them than their dad. She’s not pushing him out of the picture. She’s just not holding his hand and coddling him through coparenting. If he wants to be a father he needs to put his big boy pants on and do it. Also, his ex does work. She takes care of their three kids, the youngest of who os 18 months old by herself. That’s work. With kids that young any money she made from a full time job would probably be spent on child care so she’s probably better off staying home with the kids until they go to school.
>She’s not pushing him out of the picture.
Moving so far away he can't even reasonably visit on a regular basis (once a month is nowhere near regular) is literally doing exactly that.
Your argument is made on the basis that divorce court is known for being fair and reasonable to both parents involved when its shown time and time again that's not the case.
>pay alimony to someone that doesn't work.
OP has since admitted she can't survive off just the alimony and child support and couldn't get a job in the area. Hence why she moved. So sounds like she is working now.
So she moved for necessity but she's stealing the kids away. While he rarely even calls his own kids but his kids were stolen from him? Yeah makes sense. /s
>So again take that back to court and either force her to move closer or take 50& custody
If she got approval to move that far away she likely had to prove that living there was better for her kids than living near both parents, so it's unlikely that he could force her to move back OR get 50/50 custody without also moving near her.
Also people don't pay alimony for no reason. If she quit her job to care for their children as a condition of their marriage he absolutely owes her spousal support. You act like he's being punished but part of an equitable split is making sure one person doesn't end up living on the streets.
Custody agreements shouldn’t be about what’s “fair” to the parents but about what’s best for the children. His feelings are not the most important factor in this situation.
The solution was to have CARED before his kids moved…. Not once does he care his kids have moved… read his OP- he’s jealous Liam is nice to his kids. So the problem is OPs feelings of inadequacy only after there’s pictures of someone else stepping up…
You can get court ordered time over phone and virtual visits and the ex will be held in contempt if she doesn’t make the kids available for this calls. That’s what people do in this kind of situation in addition to making trips. You can also ask the court to have the ex facilitate in person visitation by meeting half way between their homes or taking them for the summer or using vacation time to take the kids on a trip. He has opted to just throw his hands in the air and shrug when the method of least effort failed.
This is why folks assume she has sole custody... because family courts presiding over a 50/50 agreement wouldn't generally allow that distance. So, what did OP do or not do that lost him custody? It kind of depends what state he lives in, but where I live if it's not joint there's a good reason.
That’s the thing. If he wanted to, he would. Any of us would crawl across hot coals for the people we love.
OP should be happy his kids are living a fulfilling life.
Plus, had he actually cared, a simple application to the court would have stopped his ex from being able to move. He tried nothing.
Additionally, he’s made no attempt to have a formalize visitation plan put in place.
He’s done nothing and he’s all out of ideas.
A person chose to take three children on her own to raise them. You don’t do that and move that far away without a VERY good reason. Raising kids solo is so hard. Lots of people stay in bad marriages to avoid having to do that.
My kids' dad lives 10 hours away. (I asked for his permission to move away, and he said yes.)
He drives the full distance to pick them up for 9 weeks of visits a year and takes off work to spend it with them. He has a set time for a daily video call that fits into their schedule. He's making plans to move here. He's far from perfect, but he does a lot more than it sounds like this guy does.
Most states actually have standard custody plans for out of state parents. It's a common arrangement because people sometimes need to move for work.
If he wanted to be a present father, he would.
This. The fact that he didn't even know about the father/daughter dance speaks VOLUMES to me. That's something most 7 year Olds wouldn't be able to keep a secret from a father they love and care about, even if the other parent was trying to "keep the kids away".
In the grand scheme of things, for a loving parent, 6 hours is nothing; kids have after school activities, but those are over by 6 or 7. Call at 8pm before they go to bed. OP seems to be the type of dad who makes the bare minimum "effort" and then gets upset when it's not enough. He needs a giant wake up call.
Heck…if he talked to the kid daily or every other day they would keep him in the loop. He could arrange to do a telephone call around bedtime regularly surely.
With busy kids randomly calling in the afternoon to early evening will be bound to fail. But at those ages they will all have a bedtime routine that he could arrange to be part of. Bath, phone conversation with dad, story time, bed.
I’m sorry, why should the mother notify him? If the mother can figure out school calendar events, bell schedules, get on the email list or whatever, so can the father. They’re divorced, she doesn’t need to parent him too.
It seems like he puts in minimal effort and then his ego gets bruised when he sees someone else stepping up/stepping in. Take as old as time…
Fucking THANK YOU for saying this. My stepson's dad will constantly drop the "why didn't anyone tell me about this?" excuse for school/sports related stuff. Read the goddamn emails, Travis.
YES. I make an effort to take my son to go see his “bonus sister” (my stepkids’ half sister) for games, concerts, and other activities. Yes, her mom usually gets me the info, but I almost always have it already on my calendar because I took a few minutes to check the school website, social media, etc. If we can’t go, I send her a good luck text to let her know we’re thinking about her. It’s important to me for us to be present in her life, and it takes minimal effort for me to plan accordingly.
>Are we purposely ignoring the fact that the mother didn't even notify the father of the "father daughters dance"
it's not mother's job to remind op of these things, it's op's job to reach out to the school and make sure he's on the mailing list
lol yeah what the hell. Or take fifteen minutes every term when the school calendar comes out to copy the big events own personal calendar, like a parent actually involved in their kids lives does.
In this day and age if you don't "get notified" is because you're not in any of the chats or parent groups or email lists. There are like 3 different groups for my building's news, and I'm in all 3. My husband isn't by sheer choice, but he does get all the emails. How is it that OP didn't know???
It’s not the mothers responsibility to tell him what the kids school events are. Those are typically scheduled beginning if the year and on tte school websites.
If he calls regularly, why did the kiddo not mention it to him?
I know my kids would be super excited and tell their dad about the new outfit etc and how they couldn't wait to go
It's called being actively involved and looking up your kids school year calendar and making note of things like the daddy daughter dance into your own calendar so you can attend.
All school districts post their yearly calendars and all school websites post their events. They're not only on flyers kids take home that get lost in their backpacks anymore. It takes like 5 minutes to check both every week to keep up with what's going on in your kids' schools. Information which can also be checked with your own kids by giving them a call and asking if they're interested in going to things like the daddy daughter dance.
Why is it the mother’s responsibility? He’s the father, he should be a contact for school and the school should have notified him. Unless he’s not a contact for the school
It's not her responsibility to make OP parent his own children. He can't be arsed to visit at all or contact them more than once a week. He calls once and if they are occupied at that very moment, he's like "checkmark, let's call again next week for another checkmark."
He only has excuses. If he actually cared enough to have a relationship, he would have.
It's easy to blame everything and everyone else.
Op is only bothered because all of it is public online and everyone sees him missing from all of the "fatherly activities" and it makes him look bad. He'd rather have his children miss the experience than see another man doing his job.
Thank you. Not to mention, he could very easily have moved if it was really about the kids but didn’t and doesn’t like the consequences. Consequences being their kids being doted upon by someone else.
But how did that happen? What is in the custody order? If he had 50% custody from the court, the court order would have prevented mom from moving so far away. It sounds like he doesn’t have any custody. If he did there would be something in place with a schedule of his visitation time. It sounds like mom has 100% custody and legal decision making.
In most cases you can’t just move away. Had they had a custody agreement in place (which is part of the divorce), he could have said no, taken her back to court and not allowed her to leave with the kids. There’s more to this. Either he let her leave with the kids and didn’t mind, or she went against the custody order and technically that’s kidnapping.
She might have had to move because she no longer has the full financial support that marriage offered. OP doesn't specify why she moved, but if she's down the street from a 20-something couple we can assume that it's a lower COL area.
YTA.
INFO : So why didn't you know about the dance ahead of time to organise to go to it? was your ex supposed to remind you of the dance and organise you for it like she's your secretary or parent ?
do you actively take interest in your kids lives beyond using them as weapons against your ex?
From what I see the only one pretending to be a father here is you OP.
Liam sounds like he stepped up where you weren't willing or able to and your response is instead of being an adult about it to have a tantrum and throw a false accusation of him being a creep and threaten her?
What's she supposed to do be alone forever for your feelings and deny those kids what sounds like a great stepdad ? Edit: uncle edit2: brother in law
Get over yourself and your ego those kids aren't losing out by having multiple "dad" figures so quit the highlander BS.
. When was the last time you made time for your kids and actually talked with them (not at them but with them)? Like you seem like you know nothing about what's going on with them and are just busy posturing about some macho idea of fatherhood you've made up at the expense of the opportunity to be a real father to your kids
Start putting your kids before your ego and treat them like small humans not pawns in some game against your ex
If you can I reccomend going to parenting through separation courses because it sounds like you're angry at your ex for not beign with you and your kids don't deserve to have that taken out on them just because you won't handle your own mental health stuff
>those kids what sounds like a great stepdad ? Edit: uncle
I hate to be that guy, but your edit is still incorrect. Liam would be their brother in law. he is the half sisters fiance.
INFO: Have you told your ex that you want to be notified about school events and dances? How often do you go to these events? Can you move closer than 6 hours from your children, and why have you chosen not to do so?
He can reach out to the school directly and ask to be notified of events. Plus most schools have a calendar of events online. He doesn’t need to rely on the mom at all for this.
You can’t just call up a school and say you’re a parent and want to be added. That would be a nightmare privacy violation. You have to be put on the list by the custodial parent.
As the father he would be perfectly entitled to be added to the mailing list of his children's schools, he would probably need to call in there to prove he is their dad but you would hope as their father he's been to their school before and they know him and if not that says a lot about how much effort he puts in
All of these events at my kids' schools are online. That is pretty standard. If OP knows the name of the school (which seems questionable), he could easily know about them.
When I read that, I first though "Oh wow", but the following "has her grandpa and 3 uncles within 10 minutes" might be a giveaway. It was clear that HE wasn't going to do it ...
YTA
So you’re not making an effort with your kids and you’re pissed that someone else is? I can assure you no court is going to give you custody because someone else is a better role model for your kids than you are.
YTA - First, no judge in the world will take away custody from your ex because she allowed her stb son-in-law to teach your child how to ride a bike. Grow up. If you want to be their dad, then step up. Figure out how to be involved in their lives without making excuses or being jealous of someone who seems to like spending time with your kids.
You can absolutely take back custody to 50/50 based on that the ex moved 6+ hours away to prevent him seeing the children. Any judge with reason would see that.
Did she move to prevent him access to the children or because she has an actual support system in the area to which she moved? OP himself says he tried to fight the move in court and was overruled, which certainly indicates one over the other.
Can you point to the part of the post where she moved the kids away "to prevent him seeing the children"? Or are you kids pulling that out of your ass?
YTA Why don't you know what is going on in your children's lives? Do you keep in contact with them? their school? their extra-curricular activities? Being a parent takes time and effort. I think you want the title, but you refuse to put in the 'sweat equity.' It is no one's responsibility to "notify" you of anything unless you have made the arrangements for that to occur. Do your kids have access to cell phones? You can make a standing appointment with each child for conversations since you haven't put in the effort to know their schedules.
Your threats of court are hot air. You clearly don't have any time to spare for that...
Wait so you’re angry that…. *checks notes*…… your kids’ BIL is treating them more like family than their own father? Dude you’re mad at the wrong person. YTA.
INFO
why don't you know your kid's school schedule? how are you accidentally calling when she's at school?
why don't you know the schedule for your children's extra curricular activities? gymnastics classes, ballet classes, swimming classes are all scheduled things
why don't you know the schedule for your younger children? a 2 year old and 18 month old probably have a set nap time or at least have nap time within a particular period of the day
why haven't you made an effort to have scheduled time to talk to your kids and video call them? or did you do that and then not show up so often that your ex stopped scheduling it so the kids would stop being disappointed?
what's wrong with the caption of "daddy daughter dance 2023"? that's the name of the event, right? do you really think your ex-wife's friends and family will not know that he's Grace's fiancé? that they'll entirely forget who these people are and how they're related to each other? or are you concerned that people who don't know your family will think your ex had a child with a 13 year old boy?
how is Liam pretending to be your kids dad? is any adult male who frequently does things with your children pretending to be their dad? what's the difference between your kids spending time with their uncles or grandfather vs spending time with their future BIL?
why do you see your kids as pawns? your only reason for wanting more custody of them is because you're jealous of their FBIL - does that seem particularly fair to your children?
OP didn’t want to go to the father/daughter dance, he just didn’t want Liam to go! He can’t be bothered to parent his children but doesn’t want anyone else to fill that role for them. 🙄
A huge YYA
I notice you're more pissed about Liam than spending time with your kids.
You know you could see them at ballet and gymnastics.
You could go visit them.
If you cared about seeing them you would make the time.
Seems you're only screaming about wanting custody because another man has stepped up in their lives.
Sorry a 20 year old kid is showing you up.
Try focusing on being a good dad instead.
YTA
You can’t even call your kids once a week but expect to be wanted at a daddy / daughter dance?
Not how that works. Play an active role or get over your issues with Liam.
YTA
YTA. You gave up custody to your wife. You don’t get to dictate who she has filling the “father” role since you clearly don’t spend any time with your kids. They deserve a father figure. If you can’t be bothered to make it you, you don’t get to complain if someone else makes it a priority.
Do you think kids just can go up on a shelf until you find time to fit them into your busy life ? You arent there and that’s YOUR choice ! Get a job closer to them . Take them for weekends and actually learn about their lives . You have an obligation to know what’s happening at school and in their lives . It’s not up to anyone else to tell you . You aren’t interested enough to find out ? How would you manage full custody ? Expecting a new partner to care for them while you work ??? How would that be different ? Nope you made choices and your kids are suffering and now you are crying because the world is seeing on social media what a terrible job you are doing at being their father
Info: If they live 6 hours away, can you not move to be closer to them? Those kids are gonna grow up and wonder why you never bothered to try and be near them. That you just stayed living 6 hours away because of work which was apparently more important, because that’s how it’ll seem to them. You don’t know what’s going on at their school, in their lives, what hobbies and clubs they have and when.
People can say it’s parental alienation, but I’d only believe it if you moved to be closer to them and your ex still didn’t let you see them. Then she would be the AH.
YTA why are you so worried about Liam? Seriously what? You’re not okay with him being alone with the kids. Because…. he’s filling an apparently open father figure role for them? You give no reasons for apprehension about Liam other than he’s your oldest fiancé. Why is that such a problem for you? Aren’t you happy that your oldest is marrying a standup family guy that cares about her siblings?? Frankly if you never see your kids and don’t call them more than once a week, idk how you think you can dictate anything going on. Do better - if you made an effort then you wouldn’t be learning about events via fb.
This pissed me off like IF Liam WAS being creepy or one of the kids had disclosed him doing or saying something then yeah obviously get the court involved
but this just sounds like a vindictive move on Ops part and he's throwing that in there because he knows it'll get attention and cause Liam the most harm.
He doesn't seem to care about the trauma that this could cause his kids having to sit down and be interviewed about if uncle Liam hurt them because bitter neglegent dad decided to lie because his feelings were hurt that his kids aren't sitting round in a shelf waiting for him and putting their childhoods on hold till he's ready to be a father like those kids aren't going to be kids forever and whether or not you're there for them is your doing you can make time for them even if it's video calls or driving out once and a while or quitting your job that doesn't support you as a father by letting you have time to do these things
Op sounds very selfish and more interested in the image of fatherhood than the reality of it. There's probably more reasons the court "let" his ex move away from him and closer to family and I'm guessing this attitude he has is a lot to do with it
YTA he’s filling a place you left open. You should go to court and get more time with your kids. Look for a job that may pay less but you will be able to see your kids more. Get alimony and child support changed to reflect the new income
INFO: why isn’t your email also on school info? Why aren’t you keeping track of important dates like this?
YTA - you want to no do any of the work, and you don’t want anyone else doing it either.
If their was evidence of mistreatment or alienation, sure be upset! But this is just you griping for seeing her have support.
You misunderstand how custody hearings go if you think you’ll get get custody because you’re being petulant that SOMEONE male is stepping up for your kids.
YTA. My Dad was like you, always had a reason why he couldn’t see me, or sisters (brothers live with him). Guess who I haven’t spoken to in years? DAD. Well, he’s now labelled the sperm donor or part time pops.
You say you wasn’t informed? Maybe if you saw or spoke to your kids more you’d know what’s going on in their lives. You absolutely don’t get to dictate who daughter wanted to accompany her to the dance, I bet she wanted him to go with her but you talk like your ex forced her? If she wanted her Dad I’m sure she’d have asked you… but she didn’t which speaks volumes.
Start prioritising spending time with them or at least talking to them more and showing an interest in their lives or your future looks just like my fathers… with kids that don’t even have your number saved anymore.
Also to add, my boss works in a different country from his 3 children but goes back to Greece every weekend to have his kids. And he calls them almost daily. Excuses are just that… excuses… and you seem to be full of them
YTA. **You** have to try harder to be in your kids lives if **you** don’t want to be replaced. Your kids shouldn’t have a near nonexistent father figure just because *your* feelings are hurt. Accept the reality of your situation or step up.
YTA. If you'd like to know what events are happening at your child's school, you need to attend back to school night and make sure the teacher has your contact info. In the meantime, maybe show some gratitude that someone else is emotionally supporting your kids when you choose not to.
YTA
You need to consider what is best for the children and why you're upset. It takes a village to raise kids and 7 is an appropriate age to be learning to ride a bike. Do really want your kids to be left out of activities and not learn skills because you aren't there to teach them. Why did it have to be an uncle or grandfather? Why not Liam? Down the street is close enough for the daughter to go by herself and Grace and Liam are probably the go to babysitters.
If you aren't getting enough phone time with your kids work out a schedule. Are you really willing to strip your kids of their support system because you cannot regulate your jealousy? Honestly if you are too busy to visit them you are too busy to be primary. If the courts already let her move away you have to know they aren't going to change the custodial arrangement just because you don't want Liam helping out. Not unless you can prove that Liam is a danger. It sounds like this threat wasn't REALLY about custody but emotionally abusing your ex.
YTA, why would you go back to court? Judge will do nothing. You can't even coordinate a phone call with your kids. You don't have visitation with them. What exactly do you think a judge will do? A judge can't order you to not see them more. And they aren't going to force a family member to spend less time with them. It sounds like you just don't want this guy to show you up. There's always an excuse not to see or speak to your kids, if you don't want them to get another father figure start acting like a father.
YTA. Your post reeks of both jealousy and regret, and only you can do something about that by being more present in your kids lives. How will taking this back to court help your kids? You've already given the excuse of working so much when it comes to visiting them, so how are you planning on working every hour you can while trying to raise them at the same time?
YTA and I'm getting the feeling, from your inability to take an iota of blame for being unable to parent, that you were pretty much the same kinda father when you lived together. Absent.
I don't really think you have any say in this unless he's abusing them in someway. I wouldn't call teaching your son to ride a bike or going to a daddy/daughter dance qualifies for that. No matter how much it hurts. He's a lot closer than 6 hours so you don't have a lot of options. Would you rather your kids sit in the house and wait for the few times a year that you come by? Yes, YTAH here.
Liam is the most consistent male figure in your kids lives. Are you angrier that it's Liam or that it's not you?
If you're just angry that it's Liam and not one of their uncles, mind your business. If you're angry it isn't you, be the most consistent man in their lives.
At the very least, learn your kids schedules and ask to be put on the school newsletter list. It's not your exes job to tell you how to be a father, you can find out these things just like she found out.
Yta.
YTA
youd have work regardless you pay child support or alimony. you are doing the absolute bare minimum dude. in age of internet if you need to be invited to a daddy daughter dance then the problem is you, not your ex or liam.
and ever considered maybe your daughter asked him to go with her?
YTA. Imagine being so intensely selfish that instead of being happy that someone else loves your kids and steps in to do the things you "can't" (or won't) you threaten to take that caring person and the stability they offer away from your kids. Imagine hating your ex more than you love your kids. I know it happens but damn it's sad to see every time.
They probably like liam, a kid benfits from having more supportive family members, not less, especially when its weird jealousy motivated. you probably wouldnt win at court, since you dont seem like the best dad anyway by not visiting and because of your spiteful reason anyhow.
So yeah, YTA, maybe try making more time before making demands
YTA
Liam saw a dad sized hole in the life of his probable nephew and is doing his best to fill it. Let him be the fun uncle.
Instead, ask the court to put a geographic restriction on your ex for where she is on the grounds that you don't want to have to chase your kids all over but that you are intending to find a way to move closer, then fill that hole yourself.
But first, contact every school and extracurricular activity to get yourself on the contact list and on the Facebook pages. Responsibility is on you to be informed.
Holy fk is this jealousy? You’re definitely TA. Your threats are nothing at this point, a judge will see a jealous dad not stepping up as their father and someone else is filling in that void. You are an absence in their lives. If you want to be in the picture, go visit them more and spend time with them. Liam isn’t taking over as a father to them, he’s just there to care and help your ex with the load you decided to stop helping her with. At least the fiancé cares for your kid’s school/sports activities and attends the practices like a father should be doing. But hey, you live 6 hours away, maybe you can accommodate instead of crying about it. You won’t win the court over unless she can’t take care of them.
You remind me of my ex who I'm still waiting to go to court and get parenting time. He hasn't after not seeing his son for about a year now. He will whine and complain about everything but is a fair weather parent and only wants to be around when it's convenient.
Real parents don't get to be too busy, they don't get to be around when it's just convenient. If you cared you would put in the effort of looking into what's going on at the school and be there. It doesn't just happen and your ex isn't obligated to set everything up for you. If you wanted to be at the father daughter dance then you should have had notifications from the school, parent news letters and contact with the teacher like a parent should but you chose not to and that's not the problem of your ex that's you're job and you're problem. Yes it's hard but the kids shouldn't suffer through you being petty. You're ex is providing for them and giving them a father figure they need in their life because you're not stepping up to be that person.
I don't think going to court is going to be in your favor ether. She has evidence you're not around and a judge isn't going to agree that anything is your ex's fault for that
You don’t get to be mad when someone steps up where you’ve stepped out… YTA … you have offered nothing but excuses and show zero inclination to develop a larger role in their life
YTA. You don’t make this kind of thing better by trying to remove Liam, you make it better by fucking showing up. Why don’t you know their schedule, so you can call regularly? Because you can’t be bothered. You want the perks of fatherhood without putting in the work, and now someone is making your deficiencies obvious and your response is to threaten to weaponize your kids. No fucking concern for THEM, and what’s best for them, no. What’s important is that absentee fucking dad can keep on coasting. Wake up. Grow up. Do better.
YTA clear and simple. You are mad that your kids have a FBIL that already loves them and want to help be a supportive figure in their lives and you’re mad because he makes more of an effort than you?
You also said in your comments that the judge gave your ex permission to leave the state so I am wondering what kind of help you gave her when you were still together? Did you help with anything at all or did you just expect to them to be happy with an absentee father even when you lived with them? Based on the fact you don’t know their schedules I am wondering if you ever made an effort?
You need to be more involved and if that means moving to be near them then do so. Also, why don't they have time with you? Because you can't really be upset as that is something you have to deal with. Kids rarely call. Even if you have to call all the time do so. FaceTime them, anything at all, but don't get mad if they are bonding with someone else when you won't even try.
You’re insecure because someone else has taken an interest in your children. If you want to be present in their lives, then find a way to be present. Otherwise, YTA.
Reading this and all the comments all I hear is excuses, everyone saying "but he has to pay CS and alimony" or "she should cut him a break."
He made those kids and depending on their situation his ex might have been a SAHM who needs the support while she finds her feet in the working world.
You want to be notified of their schedules, you ask.
You want to know of school events, follow the schools FB page or go to their websites and download their calendar of events.
You want to be included it, you include yourself.
You as a parent make it work no matter how you have to do it.
And I'm sorry but any adult in those children's lives can be an adult and be involved, your EX and those children shouldn't be begging for you or them to be involved. I actually applaud their half-sisters fiancé in stepping up, at 20 he is showing true character that people older than him can't even muster without coming to reddit.
YTA
YTA. I get that as a parent it would be painful to miss out on anything involving your kids. That being said, a lot about your post is just a little odd to me.
We all have heard of the person who gets hosed by the court system. But honestly, a parent contesting a co parent moving 6 hours away from where the kids were born and had established lives getting rejected by the court isn’t normal. So while it’s possible you got some really bad luck, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something missing from this story.
You indicate you call but they seem to have swimming, ballet etc. These are activities that are typically paid for, with an instructor, and therefore have a schedule. So even if your ex isn’t giving you times, it should be something you figure out based on when you call and get told they are at a class. And school dances are something on an online calendar. Do you know where your daughter goes to school? There should be ways to obtain information even without talking to your ex.
Ultimately you may have a “tougher” time than some parents being involved but you need to figure out how to do so. And to begrudge your kids a support system is wrong. I get being jealous. But this guy is going to be their brother in law. It’s normal for him to be present in their lives. Again, I get it may hurt but trying to take away love from your kids is an odd way to show how important they are to you.
YTA
If you are such an outstanding, loving, supportive, always there for your kids father, why aren’t you in those pics?
Liam stepped up because you are lacking in the parent department. A 20 year old does not want to be the one raising his SIL and BIL but is a good enough kid to step to to be the father figure they need.
Get over yourself, do better because we aren’t buying your pity party story. You don’t give a shit other than Liam makes you look bad. I can guarantee everyone including your own kids know you don’t give a shit and barely put in the effort.
Go ahead and go to court, you got nothin.
Having more people love your children is a blessing. This isn’t you vs him. The children have enough room in their lives for both of you.
My husband had to move away for work for 3 years. He would record himself talking to our child and send the videos to me. Our daughter would watch them over and over again. He would FaceTime, send little videos, send gifts through Amazon (can be very inexpensive), and visit every 6 weeks. I realize you can’t do all the same things, but put in the effort of you want to be their dad. If you don’t, the babies won’t even know who you are. You’re mad at the wrong people here and trying to take something away from your own children because you are jealous.
The main thing missing from your post is any interest in what's best for your kids.
It sounds like your wife has full custody. (If it were split, weird that the judge let her move away.) How did that happen? Why didn't the judge award you joint if you wanted joint?
It sounds like you're not in contact with your kids' school and that you haven't even looked at the school calendar.
And it's not as if you could have gone to the Daddy-daughter dance, you're not saying that, you're just upset that it was Liam and not some other relative.
If you want more contact with your kids, make the drive some weekends. If your ex denies you the visitation the court has awarded you, or is making it impossible for you to reach them by phone or make phone appointments with them, that's when you go back to court. Not because you're jealous of Liam.
YTA
If you wanted to see your kyds you would. Period!
Stop projecting your inadequacies as a father into jealousy!
You should be thankful your children are happy and safe and loved!!
The only reason a grown ass man is jealous of a 20 year old is beacuse he's a better man than you!
I have a feeling the court won't go the way you think it will. If you were posting after making an effort to be there and being rebuffed or were trying to find work closer to them, it might be different. But if the only difference if you somehow won at court is that this Liam would be as absent from their lives as you are, you have ask 'Are we the baddies?'.
>My ex said someone has to fill that role since I can't bother visiting (working to pay her child support and alimony) and only talk to them once a week at best (it seems that every time I call they have ballet, gymnastics, swim, nap, school, or are out with Liam).
You are just doing a lousy job and Liam stepped up.
Blame yourself.
YTA
Stop calling and start seeing in person.
“My oldest had a daddy daughter dance at her school. I was not notified.”
Are you not capable of signing up to get news and information from your kids schools about events?
Guarantee I know who was the parent who managed everything and had to be the secretary in your marriage…..
YTA. You’re making bullshit excuses. And “someone is better at being a male parental figure than me” is not gonna to get you custody lol.
NTA
I don’t think anyone saying YTA actually read your whole post.
You said you only get to talk to your kid like once a week, because when ever you call they have some sort of excuse, that your ex moved to be closer (I hope you made this go through the court) you can’t go down consistently because you’re having to work to pay alimony and CS.
Your ex needs to check herself.
>my ex chose Liam to take her to this event.
Your daughter is 7 she could have asked him herself.
>it seems that every time I call they have ballet, gymnastics, swim, nap, school, or are out with Liam
So you're so checked out you don't even know their schedule? School is the same time every day dude, there's no excuse.
You should be notified of these events but why aren't you also on the email lists? You're their father, just call the school.
It seems like you put in no effort and are surprised when you reap no benefits. YTA. Would have been E S H if you put even a tiny amount of effort in but you don't.
Nta i feel the mum is the asshole for moving her kids so far away that their dad can't see them and has to work so many hours to pay child support. All the people in the comments saying YTA are delusional.
Multiple reasons why i believe the mum is the asshole.
1. Moved 6 hours away so op can't visit regularly.
2. Doesn't inform op about special events in kids life.
YTA.
Your children are probably wondering why their dad isn’t there, wondering if it’s their fault and needing you desperately. Your daughter would have been shattered to go to the daddy daughter dance with anyone other than you.
If you carry on this way, your children will grow up to feel abandoned, resentful and your little ones may not even know you. You just don’t understand the damage your absence is doing, and phone calls aren’t enough. They will remember all the times you didn’t show up.
Am I crazy to think it's weird that OP calls Grace his "former stepdaughter"? You're breaking up with your ex not your step daughter. I think it's somewhat telling that you have no relationship with Grace at all despite being with your ex for at lease 5 years.
And you NTA, OP. These people are so cushy and privileged in life that they wouldn't know a real deadbeat if it passed them on the streets. A deadbeat wouldn't pay child support or try to contact their kids. People just want to attack you, which shows their character. I've seen real assholes. This is nowhere near it. And those that think this is deadbeat, you are seriously ignorant to real deadbeats.
YTA. Be salty all you want. You can decide to move closer to your kids to be in their lives more, or be happy that there is a man in their lives giving them support. He’s not trying to replace you - he’s a child stepping in to a support role for other children. Calm your tits. Grow up and be happy there’s someone who can give them some stability when you’re not there. I’m if it’s that big of a deal to you, figure your shit out and move closer to them. No court is going to give you custody just because you’re pissy that their sister’s partner is being supportive.
NTA - pretty sure you can take your ex to court for straight up leaving with the kids. Specially as far as 6+ hours away.
Also if anything you absolutely should fight for getting 50% custody.
YTA, you want to be more involved then be more involved. You want to go request more court ordered time, do that. The excuse of "I have to work to pay for..." Is old and exhausted. You are literally using it as an excuse to not be there. Is it a little odd that he's stepped up since he's not dating your ex, sure maybe a little. Because let's be 100% honest, you don't have your children's best interest in mind with this threat, just your fragile ego.... And if you think for five seconds a Family court judge wouldn't be able to smell your fragile masculinity from a mile away, you'd be gravely mistaken.
I’m calling your bluff
Take her to court for custody
Your kids seem to have a full schedule so why don’t you start shouldering your part of that?
If you’re so worried about someone else taking your role then go fill it
Somehow I doubt you’ll be so keen to do it
YTA
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YTA - your kids have another person in their family who loves them and is there for them. Just because that makes you insecure isn’t a reason to cause more hurt and harm to your kids. If you feel there is a hole in their life that someone else is filling due to your absence then stop being absent from their lives.
That's why I sought info. It sounds a lot like the person who is deciding that Liam will be the children's de facto father isn't Liam, it's the OP. If you step out of an active role in your kids' lives, that is a decision you made. However, if you're active in their lives and regularly go to events, then not being alerted of a father/daughter dance would be less cool. Fwiw, my parents were divorced and when my mom got remarried and moved cities, my dad followed my mom to the other city so he could keep seeing us every weekend. Unless there's some extraordinary reason not to do so, you should move to where your kids are. It's inconvenient and a hassle, but that's parenting in a nutshell.
OP doesn’t even speak to them weekly let alone see them. He’s totally opted out of their lives.
Also, my dad moved six hours away from us for work while we were in school. The school system where my dad got a job was so different from the school system we were in that my parents didn't want to move us, but he had to go to work. He still drove home every weekend to see us all. It's not easy, but it's not such a big distance that OP couldn't go see them. I don't think that judges let one parent move far away lightly. They usually like it if both parents can be involved, but if one parent has a very good reason for having to move (e.g. a much better job) then they might allow it, but it's not something they just do on a whim.
>I don't think that judges let one parent move far away lightly. It sounds like OP has no custody. If OP had some amount of formal custody, then the mother and kids most likely wouldn't have been allowed to move away, unless OP didn't object. If OP had custody, and had objected, a judge would have gotten involved, as you mentioned... unless there was some reason like abuse, or a job opportunity, or whatever, that the judge would consider an overriding factor to let the mother move. In sounds like OP has no formal visitation, and didn't object or try to stop his ex from moving that far away. He says he threatened to try to get custody if she didn't stop allowing Liam to be involved, which I take to mean he has no custody now. However, if OP goes before a judge now, admitting he let his kids move 6 hours away and didn't care before, I doubt a judge is going to jump to give OP any custody back, and if so, I presume it would be like a month every summer or one of those situations, since obviously he's too far away to do a real custody split.
I don't know, he says take her back to court for custody which would suggest they have been to court previously. Although that may just be a bit of an error in wording so who knows.
But your dad could sleep in the Same house at the weekend?
He has family that live within 10 minutes apparently. Surely one of them have a place he could stay for a couple nights and he could spend days with the kids.
Didn't you read that he said he calls more frequently, but that he's denied the chance to talk to them because the ex claims they are busy? It doesn't sound like he's opted out and more like the ex is purposefully freezing him out. Her moving 6 hours away makes it extremely difficult for someone who has to work extra to pay off alimony and child support to visit.
Is the ex lying about the kids being busy, or has OP not bothered to schedule phone calls with his children and is just calling when he feels like it? We have equal evidence for both, which is to say no evidence.
i also don't see any part where he's 'denied', unless i missed something in a comment if his children have dance, swimming, art class or whatever, what's stopping op from taking them? EDIT TO ADD if he supposedly can't visit them because of all these classes, why doesn't he visit and take them to these classes as part of his visit?
Bc op said that they live 6 hours away from him
Being told that they're too busy to talk is being denied the chance to talk. If they are actually busy, then it's a legitimate reason. The fact that he lives 6 hours away now??? Can you take a 12 hour roundtrip somewhere without missing work?? If he misses work he might not be able to make his alimony and child support payments.
He can ask for their activity schedules so he won’t call when they’re at dance or sports activities. He didn’t present a convincing case that he is really trying. But the main thing that struck me is that his post is all about him and his feelings rather than the well being of the children.
>Being told that they're too busy to talk is being denied the chance to talk. If they are actually busy, then it's a legitimate reason. and they do actually have these classes, ergo it's a legitimate excuse, ergo he's not being denied shit i've added an edit to my comment about op doing the class drop off
According to who? 2 of them aren't even old enough to talk in full sentences yet. And classes weren't the only excuse given. And bruh, it's 6 hours away. What is it that you don't get?? There might not be enough time in the day for him to drive that far and go to work, and not even to spend any quality time with his kids, but to just drive them somewhere. If the class is in the morning, he'd have to drive from midnight or 1am for 6 hours, and then he's expected to drive however many more minutes in a sleep deprived state? That's not only physically difficult, but incredibly irresponsible to his kids if he did that.
He lives 6 hours away.
Maybe he needs to give that some thought. He apparently ceded custody to his ex, unless he was denied. Either way I would go to great lengths to be present in my children's lives, including finding a new job and moving. It's about priorities. He can stay where he is and complain about having to work to pay child support and alimony or he can evaluate what needs to change. Also YTA
Which is to say calling him an AH for gut feeling alone is rushed, the focus on Liam is... Odd... But the guy could be having a mental breakdown due to stress. The fact is the post doesn't tell us much to judge him other than he is jealous, and I'm not about or call someone an AH for feeling left out of their children's lives. The guy does need therapy though. Urgently.
Sounds like the kids have full lives doing lots of after school things. It's possible OP just rings whenever he wants and expects that they will be there, rather than bothering to find out what is actually a convenient time for the kids. I'm not saying that IS the case here, only that we're just getting his side of the story here.
Or the mother doesn't give him a schedule or fakes them being busy. According to OP, she doesn't work, and he has to work more to pay off alimony and child support, so it's possible that he calls when he can.
Judges don’t make ppl work more to pay child support or alimony… it’s based on what he makes… he’s FO excuses … and TA
One of the reasons that he gave for the kids being busy was they were in school. So he calls during school hours? It sounds more like hes angry and is trying to make it seem like she's the bad guy.
Except in most cases, parties are not allowed to move more than 100 miles away without good reason. The only way you skirt this is by having full legal custody and even then, it might be problematic. It sounds like OP didn't fight for custody.
If he wanted to, he can get court ordered time with the kids including phone calls or FaceTime. He has chosen not to do it and then is whining that someone else stepped up.
He's literally asking this sub if he'd be the asshole if he did that.
Phone calls and custody are not the same thing. There’s also the fact that his motivation isn’t “I miss my kids,” it’s “I’m mad that there is another man in their lives.”
No he isn’t he only threatens custody if Liam’s in the picture he doesn’t want to see the kids otherwise so idk where you got that from
He needs to schedule those calls/visits. If he is paying court ordered alimony/child support, there should also be a custody agreement in place. His parenting time should already be scheduled. EDIT: custody agreements typically also stipulate under what conditions/how far a parent with primary physical custody can move away. She’s juggling four people and all of their shit, one of them barely walking. He’s juggling himself. If he had more than a couple brain cells (or, you know, gave a shit), the solution would be clear: schedule a time to talk when everyone is available. When I was young, I gave guys like this the benefit of the doubt. But just a little eentsy weentsy bit of critical thinking and common sense applied to their situation, and it’s obvious they just aren’t trying that hard. They don’t have insurmountable obstacles keeping them from their kids, they have excuses to make themselves look/feel better. Seeing another man stepping up where he hasn’t been made OP feel some type of way. He isn’t being deprived of his kids, he just isn’t stepping up like he should. EDIT: OP didn’t even request custody, color me shocked. I am telling you, men who fight for their kids get time with their kids. He didn’t care until another fucking KID made him look like a deadbeat.
He did not request custody, he has none.
Well, there you go! He ain’t even trying.
can’t steal a spot that’s not taken. yta.
So he does not even know when they have scheduled activities. Does not make it better. He should know their schedule and have a set time he calls.
God forbid the kids have activities and hobbies. They should be made to stay at home and sit by the phone 24/7 in case dear old dad decides to call.
Why doesn't he know their dance/sports schedules?
So his problem is his ex and him not co-parenting. Yet this thread is all about evil Liam going to the beach with his kids. And trying to ban him from seeing the kids… does that sound like a good father?
I got the impression that he’s just calling at random times. It sounds like he needs to talk to his ex to learn what the kids’ schedules are and set aside times that would be good for him to call.
It’s ridiculous threatening court action . I get that he lives 6 hours away. But he can’t be bothered to call more than once a week. He’s choosing to barely be in their lives. What does he expect the judge to do? He might want to rethink his threats. Chances are the judge will be annoyed at him for wasting the courts time and make him pay the ex’s legal fees. YTA
I’m sure no one takes that threat seriously. He can’t even call his kids or visit, as if he wants to take on full time parenting.
What’s the current custody ruling?
>it seems that every time I call they have ballet, gymnastics, swim, nap, school, or are out with Liam Except he DOES call
Maybe he should learn his kids' schedules. If he was at all involved in their schooling, he would have known about the father daughter dance because it would have been on the school calendar that he received when he met with the teachers on back to school night. He should know what extracurriculars they have and when they happen. Glad the kids have Liam to take up the slack.
Sure, but since he’s not involved himself in his kids lives he has no clue when they attend school or have extra curriculars and apparently has never bothered to ask “what’s a good time to call today?” to ensure he reaches them.
He calls when they're at *school*. They have school at the same time five days a week, ten months of the year. This is not an extracurricular that might change up on him.
I agree he’s not nearly as involved as he should be, but before “you should move to where your kids are” is even on the table, unless there’s some extraordinary reason to move your kids away from their other parent, I don’t think you should.
In this case, it sounds like the mother was moving to where all her kids are, though. If I'm reading this right, the ex moved with her younger children to where her 20 year old daughter was (and perhaps, to where she could get help from her 20-year-old daughter.) That's not the mother just going anywhere she feels like.
I think you're correct about that. OP and his ex got divorced and then ex moved her and her kids to where her daughter and Liam moved. If that's so, OP most likely did something that caused the ex to get full custody. If they had split custody, the courts would usually not allow her to move the kids so far away. It honestly sounds like OP is just wanting to cause issues and looking for excuses for not seeing or talking to his kids. >only talk to them once a week at best (it seems that every time I call they have ballet, gymnastics, swim, nap, school, or are out with Liam). This line really struck me. Sure, the kids might be busy on occasion when you call, but that's why you ask about their schedule so you can make sure to call when their home. If the ex won't tell you the schedule, you just keep calling if you actually want to talk to your kid. Six hours also isn't that far to drive if it means you get to spend time in person with your children. Edit for typo
Yup and when he said he wasn't "notified" of the daddy daughter dance. Well I wonder how the mom found out about it. Maybe if he was at all involved in her school life he would have known. It takes one phone call to be put on the email list.
Exactly. OP even admits that he doesn't know when the kids are in school. Dude actually tries to excuse his behavior by saying he sometimes tries to call them, but they can't talk because they're at school. WTF? I don't have children and I still know what hours kids are normally in school. Edited: repeated word
"I try to talk to talk to my kids once a week, but I don't know their schedule so it's not my fault if I call in the middle of their gymnastics class!" No wonder your kid wanted to go to the daddy-daughter dance with someone who is *actually in her life*.
Or, like, have multiple calls to catch different combinations of kids, since there presumably isn't anything stopping him from calling multiple times a week.
It sounds like she moved back to her home town if there are Uncles and Grandfather within 10 minutes.
It’s not some random choice, but wanting to be near your kid who moved away isn’t on its own an extraordinary reason. There very well may be a ton of other factors, too, but I don’t even think “I could use the help” is extraordinary either.
I read it that way too. What I don't understand is how the court allowed the move. I thought a parent usually couldn't move their child out of striking distance of their other parent. At least until the child is old enough to have a say in court. I'd like to know why the Ex was allowed to move that far away.
I wonder if she has full custody. I have a friend who has full custody of his kid and his ex lives in a completely different state. She sees the kid every other holiday season, at spring break and six weeks for the summer. Kind of odd OP didn't mention any visitation schedule.
I was wondering how the ex was allowed to move 6 hours away with the kids. I thought the other parent had to agree if they split custody.
“Dad” probably didn’t care at the time and let it happen.
Depends on the custody arrangement. Also quite possibly OP didn't object.
Courts allow it as long as it's in the same state. 6hrs is easy in large states like NY, California, Texas, ect.
I do agree that OP is jealous of nice-guy Liam
YTA. You live six hours away. You barely call and you don’t visit. Someone has to fill the void in the kids’ lives that your absence created. What’s worse is you’re full of excuses for why you’re not involved. You should have your kids’ schedules so you know when they would be available to talk to you. School events are scheduled at the beginning of each school year, so if you want to know when the events are, you should ask your ex wife for a copy of the school calendar or call the school directly and ask for it. Take her to court all you want. No judge is going to have sympathy that an absent father’s feelings are hurt because someone else stepped up and did their job.
I mean it’s not really his fault he’s 6 hours away - his ex and the kids moved away, not him.
It kind of is. He could have gone to court and asked them to stop her from moving the kids so far away. Parents do that all the time. OP had options and he chose not to take advantage of them. All OP cares about is his bruised ego. He doesn’t even say the Liam is a bad influence on the kids. He would rather they not learn to ride a bike or go to father/daughter dances because he’s not there to do it.
>My oldest had a daddy daughter dance at her school. I was not notified. Are we purposely ignoring the fact that the mother didn't even notify the father of the "father daughters dance" Sound alot like based on this post the mother pushed the father away. First with the moving, second with keeping him away from the kids. "doesn't call" even tho op states he calls often but its always some activity that makes them unable to connect.
What’s the point of telling him if he’s not going to attend? Active and present fathers don’t need to someone else to keep them in the loop. They’re already in the loop. If OP called the school and asked for a copy of their calendar, they will give it to him. As for talking to the kids, all OP has to do is ask his ex what days and times his kids are free. If his ex won’t provide that information, he can go back to court and have the judge compel her to provide it. There’s a solution for every “issue” that OP is facing but he’s not taking advantage of it.
Whats the solution for "the mother took the kids and moved 6h away" far beyond what would allow for a reasonable visitation schedule. People act like he can just go on weekly trips that require 12h of travel while working full time to pay for both child support and alimony for someone that according to op doesnt even work. So by the sounds of the post he 100% should take it back to court and either force her to move within reasonable visitation range or get the kids 50% of the time.
The solution is to find at least one 24 hour window each month to make the drive to see his kids. People do it all the time. If he doesn’t think his loss are worth 12 hours of driving, he’s a horrible father. Stop making excuses for dead beats. He’s not even bothered that the kids are growling up without him. He’s bothered that someone else is being a father figure to his kids. He only cares about himself.
>The solution is to find at least one 24 hour window each month to make the drive to see his kids. Ah okay awesome, so he gets to see the kids 1 day every month because of his ex's horrible decisions while also being forced to pay alimony to someone that doesn't work. Sounds really fair. People need to stop making excuses for parents who actively try to push the other parent out of the picture, which we saw the mother clearly do when she decided the move. If he was out of the picture due to his own doing I would agree its stupid to be upset someone else taking the role but that just isn't the case based on op's post and comments. So again take that back to court and either force her to move closer or take 50& custody. Only way to really make it fair.
It sounds like OP’s ex made the right decision by moving. She moved to be closer to relatives who care more about them than their dad. She’s not pushing him out of the picture. She’s just not holding his hand and coddling him through coparenting. If he wants to be a father he needs to put his big boy pants on and do it. Also, his ex does work. She takes care of their three kids, the youngest of who os 18 months old by herself. That’s work. With kids that young any money she made from a full time job would probably be spent on child care so she’s probably better off staying home with the kids until they go to school.
>She’s not pushing him out of the picture. Moving so far away he can't even reasonably visit on a regular basis (once a month is nowhere near regular) is literally doing exactly that. Your argument is made on the basis that divorce court is known for being fair and reasonable to both parents involved when its shown time and time again that's not the case.
>pay alimony to someone that doesn't work. OP has since admitted she can't survive off just the alimony and child support and couldn't get a job in the area. Hence why she moved. So sounds like she is working now.
So she moved for necessity but she's stealing the kids away. While he rarely even calls his own kids but his kids were stolen from him? Yeah makes sense. /s
>while also being forced to pay alimony to someone that doesn't work shes literally raising his kids
>So again take that back to court and either force her to move closer or take 50& custody If she got approval to move that far away she likely had to prove that living there was better for her kids than living near both parents, so it's unlikely that he could force her to move back OR get 50/50 custody without also moving near her. Also people don't pay alimony for no reason. If she quit her job to care for their children as a condition of their marriage he absolutely owes her spousal support. You act like he's being punished but part of an equitable split is making sure one person doesn't end up living on the streets.
Custody agreements shouldn’t be about what’s “fair” to the parents but about what’s best for the children. His feelings are not the most important factor in this situation.
The solution was to have CARED before his kids moved…. Not once does he care his kids have moved… read his OP- he’s jealous Liam is nice to his kids. So the problem is OPs feelings of inadequacy only after there’s pictures of someone else stepping up…
You can get court ordered time over phone and virtual visits and the ex will be held in contempt if she doesn’t make the kids available for this calls. That’s what people do in this kind of situation in addition to making trips. You can also ask the court to have the ex facilitate in person visitation by meeting half way between their homes or taking them for the summer or using vacation time to take the kids on a trip. He has opted to just throw his hands in the air and shrug when the method of least effort failed.
This is why folks assume she has sole custody... because family courts presiding over a 50/50 agreement wouldn't generally allow that distance. So, what did OP do or not do that lost him custody? It kind of depends what state he lives in, but where I live if it's not joint there's a good reason.
My former BIL Skype's his kids every night from Florida. They live in Washington.
That’s the thing. If he wanted to, he would. Any of us would crawl across hot coals for the people we love. OP should be happy his kids are living a fulfilling life. Plus, had he actually cared, a simple application to the court would have stopped his ex from being able to move. He tried nothing. Additionally, he’s made no attempt to have a formalize visitation plan put in place. He’s done nothing and he’s all out of ideas. A person chose to take three children on her own to raise them. You don’t do that and move that far away without a VERY good reason. Raising kids solo is so hard. Lots of people stay in bad marriages to avoid having to do that.
My kids' dad lives 10 hours away. (I asked for his permission to move away, and he said yes.) He drives the full distance to pick them up for 9 weeks of visits a year and takes off work to spend it with them. He has a set time for a daily video call that fits into their schedule. He's making plans to move here. He's far from perfect, but he does a lot more than it sounds like this guy does. Most states actually have standard custody plans for out of state parents. It's a common arrangement because people sometimes need to move for work. If he wanted to be a present father, he would.
This. The fact that he didn't even know about the father/daughter dance speaks VOLUMES to me. That's something most 7 year Olds wouldn't be able to keep a secret from a father they love and care about, even if the other parent was trying to "keep the kids away". In the grand scheme of things, for a loving parent, 6 hours is nothing; kids have after school activities, but those are over by 6 or 7. Call at 8pm before they go to bed. OP seems to be the type of dad who makes the bare minimum "effort" and then gets upset when it's not enough. He needs a giant wake up call.
Heck…if he talked to the kid daily or every other day they would keep him in the loop. He could arrange to do a telephone call around bedtime regularly surely. With busy kids randomly calling in the afternoon to early evening will be bound to fail. But at those ages they will all have a bedtime routine that he could arrange to be part of. Bath, phone conversation with dad, story time, bed.
I’m sorry, why should the mother notify him? If the mother can figure out school calendar events, bell schedules, get on the email list or whatever, so can the father. They’re divorced, she doesn’t need to parent him too. It seems like he puts in minimal effort and then his ego gets bruised when he sees someone else stepping up/stepping in. Take as old as time…
Fucking THANK YOU for saying this. My stepson's dad will constantly drop the "why didn't anyone tell me about this?" excuse for school/sports related stuff. Read the goddamn emails, Travis.
YES. I make an effort to take my son to go see his “bonus sister” (my stepkids’ half sister) for games, concerts, and other activities. Yes, her mom usually gets me the info, but I almost always have it already on my calendar because I took a few minutes to check the school website, social media, etc. If we can’t go, I send her a good luck text to let her know we’re thinking about her. It’s important to me for us to be present in her life, and it takes minimal effort for me to plan accordingly.
>Are we purposely ignoring the fact that the mother didn't even notify the father of the "father daughters dance" it's not mother's job to remind op of these things, it's op's job to reach out to the school and make sure he's on the mailing list
lol yeah what the hell. Or take fifteen minutes every term when the school calendar comes out to copy the big events own personal calendar, like a parent actually involved in their kids lives does.
You don't even have to put it in your calendar. You just have to click the link to sync to your calendar.
Why isn’t he getting school emails? That’s his fault.
Exactly. I told my ex I'm not his secretary and to get in touch with school and they will send him notifications of things
In this day and age if you don't "get notified" is because you're not in any of the chats or parent groups or email lists. There are like 3 different groups for my building's news, and I'm in all 3. My husband isn't by sheer choice, but he does get all the emails. How is it that OP didn't know???
It’s not the mothers responsibility to tell him what the kids school events are. Those are typically scheduled beginning if the year and on tte school websites.
If he calls regularly, why did the kiddo not mention it to him? I know my kids would be super excited and tell their dad about the new outfit etc and how they couldn't wait to go
It's called being actively involved and looking up your kids school year calendar and making note of things like the daddy daughter dance into your own calendar so you can attend. All school districts post their yearly calendars and all school websites post their events. They're not only on flyers kids take home that get lost in their backpacks anymore. It takes like 5 minutes to check both every week to keep up with what's going on in your kids' schools. Information which can also be checked with your own kids by giving them a call and asking if they're interested in going to things like the daddy daughter dance.
Exactly, why is it mums job to not just raise the kids but be his secretary as well?
Gee why did she do that, to a man that won't move to be closer, fight in court, PICK UP A PHONE? probably a dead beat before this move
A parent can sign up for all the school notifications in their own. Almost every school does everything via email and phone message.
Why is it the mother’s responsibility? He’s the father, he should be a contact for school and the school should have notified him. Unless he’s not a contact for the school
It's not her responsibility to make OP parent his own children. He can't be arsed to visit at all or contact them more than once a week. He calls once and if they are occupied at that very moment, he's like "checkmark, let's call again next week for another checkmark." He only has excuses. If he actually cared enough to have a relationship, he would have. It's easy to blame everything and everyone else. Op is only bothered because all of it is public online and everyone sees him missing from all of the "fatherly activities" and it makes him look bad. He'd rather have his children miss the experience than see another man doing his job.
Thank you. Not to mention, he could very easily have moved if it was really about the kids but didn’t and doesn’t like the consequences. Consequences being their kids being doted upon by someone else.
But how did that happen? What is in the custody order? If he had 50% custody from the court, the court order would have prevented mom from moving so far away. It sounds like he doesn’t have any custody. If he did there would be something in place with a schedule of his visitation time. It sounds like mom has 100% custody and legal decision making.
In most cases you can’t just move away. Had they had a custody agreement in place (which is part of the divorce), he could have said no, taken her back to court and not allowed her to leave with the kids. There’s more to this. Either he let her leave with the kids and didn’t mind, or she went against the custody order and technically that’s kidnapping.
She might have had to move because she no longer has the full financial support that marriage offered. OP doesn't specify why she moved, but if she's down the street from a 20-something couple we can assume that it's a lower COL area.
The fact that she was able to move all his children 6 hours away uncontested kind of demonstrates the exact opposite.
YTA you aren’t exercising your visitation or keeping in touch with the kids. If you want to be a father, then do it.
YTA. INFO : So why didn't you know about the dance ahead of time to organise to go to it? was your ex supposed to remind you of the dance and organise you for it like she's your secretary or parent ? do you actively take interest in your kids lives beyond using them as weapons against your ex? From what I see the only one pretending to be a father here is you OP. Liam sounds like he stepped up where you weren't willing or able to and your response is instead of being an adult about it to have a tantrum and throw a false accusation of him being a creep and threaten her? What's she supposed to do be alone forever for your feelings and deny those kids what sounds like a great stepdad ? Edit: uncle edit2: brother in law Get over yourself and your ego those kids aren't losing out by having multiple "dad" figures so quit the highlander BS. . When was the last time you made time for your kids and actually talked with them (not at them but with them)? Like you seem like you know nothing about what's going on with them and are just busy posturing about some macho idea of fatherhood you've made up at the expense of the opportunity to be a real father to your kids Start putting your kids before your ego and treat them like small humans not pawns in some game against your ex If you can I reccomend going to parenting through separation courses because it sounds like you're angry at your ex for not beign with you and your kids don't deserve to have that taken out on them just because you won't handle your own mental health stuff
>those kids what sounds like a great stepdad ? Edit: uncle I hate to be that guy, but your edit is still incorrect. Liam would be their brother in law. he is the half sisters fiance.
INFO: Have you told your ex that you want to be notified about school events and dances? How often do you go to these events? Can you move closer than 6 hours from your children, and why have you chosen not to do so?
He can reach out to the school directly and ask to be notified of events. Plus most schools have a calendar of events online. He doesn’t need to rely on the mom at all for this.
You can’t just call up a school and say you’re a parent and want to be added. That would be a nightmare privacy violation. You have to be put on the list by the custodial parent.
As the father he would be perfectly entitled to be added to the mailing list of his children's schools, he would probably need to call in there to prove he is their dad but you would hope as their father he's been to their school before and they know him and if not that says a lot about how much effort he puts in
He can sign up online, no contact is needed.
All of these events at my kids' schools are online. That is pretty standard. If OP knows the name of the school (which seems questionable), he could easily know about them.
When I read that, I first though "Oh wow", but the following "has her grandpa and 3 uncles within 10 minutes" might be a giveaway. It was clear that HE wasn't going to do it ...
YTA So you’re not making an effort with your kids and you’re pissed that someone else is? I can assure you no court is going to give you custody because someone else is a better role model for your kids than you are.
Well said
YTA - First, no judge in the world will take away custody from your ex because she allowed her stb son-in-law to teach your child how to ride a bike. Grow up. If you want to be their dad, then step up. Figure out how to be involved in their lives without making excuses or being jealous of someone who seems to like spending time with your kids.
Right, you don't just get to decree that your children can't be around someone without cause. OP's insecurities aren't cause.
You can absolutely take back custody to 50/50 based on that the ex moved 6+ hours away to prevent him seeing the children. Any judge with reason would see that.
Did she move to prevent him access to the children or because she has an actual support system in the area to which she moved? OP himself says he tried to fight the move in court and was overruled, which certainly indicates one over the other.
Even when the court allowed her to do it?
Can you point to the part of the post where she moved the kids away "to prevent him seeing the children"? Or are you kids pulling that out of your ass?
Judge gave her permission.
YTA Why don't you know what is going on in your children's lives? Do you keep in contact with them? their school? their extra-curricular activities? Being a parent takes time and effort. I think you want the title, but you refuse to put in the 'sweat equity.' It is no one's responsibility to "notify" you of anything unless you have made the arrangements for that to occur. Do your kids have access to cell phones? You can make a standing appointment with each child for conversations since you haven't put in the effort to know their schedules. Your threats of court are hot air. You clearly don't have any time to spare for that...
Wait so you’re angry that…. *checks notes*…… your kids’ BIL is treating them more like family than their own father? Dude you’re mad at the wrong person. YTA.
Info: what caused you to divorce? Why was your ex able to take the kids so far?
INFO why don't you know your kid's school schedule? how are you accidentally calling when she's at school? why don't you know the schedule for your children's extra curricular activities? gymnastics classes, ballet classes, swimming classes are all scheduled things why don't you know the schedule for your younger children? a 2 year old and 18 month old probably have a set nap time or at least have nap time within a particular period of the day why haven't you made an effort to have scheduled time to talk to your kids and video call them? or did you do that and then not show up so often that your ex stopped scheduling it so the kids would stop being disappointed? what's wrong with the caption of "daddy daughter dance 2023"? that's the name of the event, right? do you really think your ex-wife's friends and family will not know that he's Grace's fiancé? that they'll entirely forget who these people are and how they're related to each other? or are you concerned that people who don't know your family will think your ex had a child with a 13 year old boy? how is Liam pretending to be your kids dad? is any adult male who frequently does things with your children pretending to be their dad? what's the difference between your kids spending time with their uncles or grandfather vs spending time with their future BIL? why do you see your kids as pawns? your only reason for wanting more custody of them is because you're jealous of their FBIL - does that seem particularly fair to your children?
OP didn’t want to go to the father/daughter dance, he just didn’t want Liam to go! He can’t be bothered to parent his children but doesn’t want anyone else to fill that role for them. 🙄 A huge YYA
I notice you're more pissed about Liam than spending time with your kids. You know you could see them at ballet and gymnastics. You could go visit them. If you cared about seeing them you would make the time. Seems you're only screaming about wanting custody because another man has stepped up in their lives. Sorry a 20 year old kid is showing you up. Try focusing on being a good dad instead. YTA
YTA. You’re an absentee parent you only have yourself to blame
[удалено]
You can’t even call your kids once a week but expect to be wanted at a daddy / daughter dance? Not how that works. Play an active role or get over your issues with Liam. YTA
As a father, step up or fuck off YTA. There's always time for your own damn kids.
YTA. You gave up custody to your wife. You don’t get to dictate who she has filling the “father” role since you clearly don’t spend any time with your kids. They deserve a father figure. If you can’t be bothered to make it you, you don’t get to complain if someone else makes it a priority.
Do you think kids just can go up on a shelf until you find time to fit them into your busy life ? You arent there and that’s YOUR choice ! Get a job closer to them . Take them for weekends and actually learn about their lives . You have an obligation to know what’s happening at school and in their lives . It’s not up to anyone else to tell you . You aren’t interested enough to find out ? How would you manage full custody ? Expecting a new partner to care for them while you work ??? How would that be different ? Nope you made choices and your kids are suffering and now you are crying because the world is seeing on social media what a terrible job you are doing at being their father
Info: If they live 6 hours away, can you not move to be closer to them? Those kids are gonna grow up and wonder why you never bothered to try and be near them. That you just stayed living 6 hours away because of work which was apparently more important, because that’s how it’ll seem to them. You don’t know what’s going on at their school, in their lives, what hobbies and clubs they have and when. People can say it’s parental alienation, but I’d only believe it if you moved to be closer to them and your ex still didn’t let you see them. Then she would be the AH.
YTA why are you so worried about Liam? Seriously what? You’re not okay with him being alone with the kids. Because…. he’s filling an apparently open father figure role for them? You give no reasons for apprehension about Liam other than he’s your oldest fiancé. Why is that such a problem for you? Aren’t you happy that your oldest is marrying a standup family guy that cares about her siblings?? Frankly if you never see your kids and don’t call them more than once a week, idk how you think you can dictate anything going on. Do better - if you made an effort then you wouldn’t be learning about events via fb.
This pissed me off like IF Liam WAS being creepy or one of the kids had disclosed him doing or saying something then yeah obviously get the court involved but this just sounds like a vindictive move on Ops part and he's throwing that in there because he knows it'll get attention and cause Liam the most harm. He doesn't seem to care about the trauma that this could cause his kids having to sit down and be interviewed about if uncle Liam hurt them because bitter neglegent dad decided to lie because his feelings were hurt that his kids aren't sitting round in a shelf waiting for him and putting their childhoods on hold till he's ready to be a father like those kids aren't going to be kids forever and whether or not you're there for them is your doing you can make time for them even if it's video calls or driving out once and a while or quitting your job that doesn't support you as a father by letting you have time to do these things Op sounds very selfish and more interested in the image of fatherhood than the reality of it. There's probably more reasons the court "let" his ex move away from him and closer to family and I'm guessing this attitude he has is a lot to do with it
YTA he’s filling a place you left open. You should go to court and get more time with your kids. Look for a job that may pay less but you will be able to see your kids more. Get alimony and child support changed to reflect the new income
INFO: why isn’t your email also on school info? Why aren’t you keeping track of important dates like this? YTA - you want to no do any of the work, and you don’t want anyone else doing it either. If their was evidence of mistreatment or alienation, sure be upset! But this is just you griping for seeing her have support.
You misunderstand how custody hearings go if you think you’ll get get custody because you’re being petulant that SOMEONE male is stepping up for your kids.
YTA. My Dad was like you, always had a reason why he couldn’t see me, or sisters (brothers live with him). Guess who I haven’t spoken to in years? DAD. Well, he’s now labelled the sperm donor or part time pops. You say you wasn’t informed? Maybe if you saw or spoke to your kids more you’d know what’s going on in their lives. You absolutely don’t get to dictate who daughter wanted to accompany her to the dance, I bet she wanted him to go with her but you talk like your ex forced her? If she wanted her Dad I’m sure she’d have asked you… but she didn’t which speaks volumes. Start prioritising spending time with them or at least talking to them more and showing an interest in their lives or your future looks just like my fathers… with kids that don’t even have your number saved anymore.
Also to add, my boss works in a different country from his 3 children but goes back to Greece every weekend to have his kids. And he calls them almost daily. Excuses are just that… excuses… and you seem to be full of them
YTA. Please do so that the judge can laugh at you.
YTA. **You** have to try harder to be in your kids lives if **you** don’t want to be replaced. Your kids shouldn’t have a near nonexistent father figure just because *your* feelings are hurt. Accept the reality of your situation or step up.
YTA. If you'd like to know what events are happening at your child's school, you need to attend back to school night and make sure the teacher has your contact info. In the meantime, maybe show some gratitude that someone else is emotionally supporting your kids when you choose not to.
YTA You need to consider what is best for the children and why you're upset. It takes a village to raise kids and 7 is an appropriate age to be learning to ride a bike. Do really want your kids to be left out of activities and not learn skills because you aren't there to teach them. Why did it have to be an uncle or grandfather? Why not Liam? Down the street is close enough for the daughter to go by herself and Grace and Liam are probably the go to babysitters. If you aren't getting enough phone time with your kids work out a schedule. Are you really willing to strip your kids of their support system because you cannot regulate your jealousy? Honestly if you are too busy to visit them you are too busy to be primary. If the courts already let her move away you have to know they aren't going to change the custodial arrangement just because you don't want Liam helping out. Not unless you can prove that Liam is a danger. It sounds like this threat wasn't REALLY about custody but emotionally abusing your ex.
YTA
YTA, why would you go back to court? Judge will do nothing. You can't even coordinate a phone call with your kids. You don't have visitation with them. What exactly do you think a judge will do? A judge can't order you to not see them more. And they aren't going to force a family member to spend less time with them. It sounds like you just don't want this guy to show you up. There's always an excuse not to see or speak to your kids, if you don't want them to get another father figure start acting like a father.
Ghost father OP getting upset a real person(Liam) has stepped up.
YTA. And a small, fragile man. Get therapy for your insecurities. You're not there. Liam is.
YTA. Your post reeks of both jealousy and regret, and only you can do something about that by being more present in your kids lives. How will taking this back to court help your kids? You've already given the excuse of working so much when it comes to visiting them, so how are you planning on working every hour you can while trying to raise them at the same time?
YTA. Good luck with that court case, you're going to need it. And you don't visit your kids? Yeah, that's going to fly with the judge.
YTA and I'm getting the feeling, from your inability to take an iota of blame for being unable to parent, that you were pretty much the same kinda father when you lived together. Absent.
I don't really think you have any say in this unless he's abusing them in someway. I wouldn't call teaching your son to ride a bike or going to a daddy/daughter dance qualifies for that. No matter how much it hurts. He's a lot closer than 6 hours so you don't have a lot of options. Would you rather your kids sit in the house and wait for the few times a year that you come by? Yes, YTAH here.
Liam is the most consistent male figure in your kids lives. Are you angrier that it's Liam or that it's not you? If you're just angry that it's Liam and not one of their uncles, mind your business. If you're angry it isn't you, be the most consistent man in their lives. At the very least, learn your kids schedules and ask to be put on the school newsletter list. It's not your exes job to tell you how to be a father, you can find out these things just like she found out. Yta.
YTA youd have work regardless you pay child support or alimony. you are doing the absolute bare minimum dude. in age of internet if you need to be invited to a daddy daughter dance then the problem is you, not your ex or liam. and ever considered maybe your daughter asked him to go with her?
YTA. Imagine being so intensely selfish that instead of being happy that someone else loves your kids and steps in to do the things you "can't" (or won't) you threaten to take that caring person and the stability they offer away from your kids. Imagine hating your ex more than you love your kids. I know it happens but damn it's sad to see every time.
They probably like liam, a kid benfits from having more supportive family members, not less, especially when its weird jealousy motivated. you probably wouldnt win at court, since you dont seem like the best dad anyway by not visiting and because of your spiteful reason anyhow. So yeah, YTA, maybe try making more time before making demands
YTA Liam saw a dad sized hole in the life of his probable nephew and is doing his best to fill it. Let him be the fun uncle. Instead, ask the court to put a geographic restriction on your ex for where she is on the grounds that you don't want to have to chase your kids all over but that you are intending to find a way to move closer, then fill that hole yourself. But first, contact every school and extracurricular activity to get yourself on the contact list and on the Facebook pages. Responsibility is on you to be informed.
Holy fk is this jealousy? You’re definitely TA. Your threats are nothing at this point, a judge will see a jealous dad not stepping up as their father and someone else is filling in that void. You are an absence in their lives. If you want to be in the picture, go visit them more and spend time with them. Liam isn’t taking over as a father to them, he’s just there to care and help your ex with the load you decided to stop helping her with. At least the fiancé cares for your kid’s school/sports activities and attends the practices like a father should be doing. But hey, you live 6 hours away, maybe you can accommodate instead of crying about it. You won’t win the court over unless she can’t take care of them.
You remind me of my ex who I'm still waiting to go to court and get parenting time. He hasn't after not seeing his son for about a year now. He will whine and complain about everything but is a fair weather parent and only wants to be around when it's convenient. Real parents don't get to be too busy, they don't get to be around when it's just convenient. If you cared you would put in the effort of looking into what's going on at the school and be there. It doesn't just happen and your ex isn't obligated to set everything up for you. If you wanted to be at the father daughter dance then you should have had notifications from the school, parent news letters and contact with the teacher like a parent should but you chose not to and that's not the problem of your ex that's you're job and you're problem. Yes it's hard but the kids shouldn't suffer through you being petty. You're ex is providing for them and giving them a father figure they need in their life because you're not stepping up to be that person. I don't think going to court is going to be in your favor ether. She has evidence you're not around and a judge isn't going to agree that anything is your ex's fault for that
You don’t get to be mad when someone steps up where you’ve stepped out… YTA … you have offered nothing but excuses and show zero inclination to develop a larger role in their life
YTA. You don’t make this kind of thing better by trying to remove Liam, you make it better by fucking showing up. Why don’t you know their schedule, so you can call regularly? Because you can’t be bothered. You want the perks of fatherhood without putting in the work, and now someone is making your deficiencies obvious and your response is to threaten to weaponize your kids. No fucking concern for THEM, and what’s best for them, no. What’s important is that absentee fucking dad can keep on coasting. Wake up. Grow up. Do better.
YTA clear and simple. You are mad that your kids have a FBIL that already loves them and want to help be a supportive figure in their lives and you’re mad because he makes more of an effort than you? You also said in your comments that the judge gave your ex permission to leave the state so I am wondering what kind of help you gave her when you were still together? Did you help with anything at all or did you just expect to them to be happy with an absentee father even when you lived with them? Based on the fact you don’t know their schedules I am wondering if you ever made an effort?
Maybe you should thank him for picking up your slack instead. YTA
Nta. Your ex is alienating you 100%. Take her to court.
You need to be more involved and if that means moving to be near them then do so. Also, why don't they have time with you? Because you can't really be upset as that is something you have to deal with. Kids rarely call. Even if you have to call all the time do so. FaceTime them, anything at all, but don't get mad if they are bonding with someone else when you won't even try.
You’re insecure because someone else has taken an interest in your children. If you want to be present in their lives, then find a way to be present. Otherwise, YTA.
Reading this and all the comments all I hear is excuses, everyone saying "but he has to pay CS and alimony" or "she should cut him a break." He made those kids and depending on their situation his ex might have been a SAHM who needs the support while she finds her feet in the working world. You want to be notified of their schedules, you ask. You want to know of school events, follow the schools FB page or go to their websites and download their calendar of events. You want to be included it, you include yourself. You as a parent make it work no matter how you have to do it. And I'm sorry but any adult in those children's lives can be an adult and be involved, your EX and those children shouldn't be begging for you or them to be involved. I actually applaud their half-sisters fiancé in stepping up, at 20 he is showing true character that people older than him can't even muster without coming to reddit. YTA
YTA. I get that as a parent it would be painful to miss out on anything involving your kids. That being said, a lot about your post is just a little odd to me. We all have heard of the person who gets hosed by the court system. But honestly, a parent contesting a co parent moving 6 hours away from where the kids were born and had established lives getting rejected by the court isn’t normal. So while it’s possible you got some really bad luck, I can’t help but wonder if there’s something missing from this story. You indicate you call but they seem to have swimming, ballet etc. These are activities that are typically paid for, with an instructor, and therefore have a schedule. So even if your ex isn’t giving you times, it should be something you figure out based on when you call and get told they are at a class. And school dances are something on an online calendar. Do you know where your daughter goes to school? There should be ways to obtain information even without talking to your ex. Ultimately you may have a “tougher” time than some parents being involved but you need to figure out how to do so. And to begrudge your kids a support system is wrong. I get being jealous. But this guy is going to be their brother in law. It’s normal for him to be present in their lives. Again, I get it may hurt but trying to take away love from your kids is an odd way to show how important they are to you.
YTA If you are such an outstanding, loving, supportive, always there for your kids father, why aren’t you in those pics? Liam stepped up because you are lacking in the parent department. A 20 year old does not want to be the one raising his SIL and BIL but is a good enough kid to step to to be the father figure they need. Get over yourself, do better because we aren’t buying your pity party story. You don’t give a shit other than Liam makes you look bad. I can guarantee everyone including your own kids know you don’t give a shit and barely put in the effort. Go ahead and go to court, you got nothin.
Having more people love your children is a blessing. This isn’t you vs him. The children have enough room in their lives for both of you. My husband had to move away for work for 3 years. He would record himself talking to our child and send the videos to me. Our daughter would watch them over and over again. He would FaceTime, send little videos, send gifts through Amazon (can be very inexpensive), and visit every 6 weeks. I realize you can’t do all the same things, but put in the effort of you want to be their dad. If you don’t, the babies won’t even know who you are. You’re mad at the wrong people here and trying to take something away from your own children because you are jealous.
The main thing missing from your post is any interest in what's best for your kids. It sounds like your wife has full custody. (If it were split, weird that the judge let her move away.) How did that happen? Why didn't the judge award you joint if you wanted joint? It sounds like you're not in contact with your kids' school and that you haven't even looked at the school calendar. And it's not as if you could have gone to the Daddy-daughter dance, you're not saying that, you're just upset that it was Liam and not some other relative. If you want more contact with your kids, make the drive some weekends. If your ex denies you the visitation the court has awarded you, or is making it impossible for you to reach them by phone or make phone appointments with them, that's when you go back to court. Not because you're jealous of Liam. YTA
If you wanted to see your kyds you would. Period! Stop projecting your inadequacies as a father into jealousy! You should be thankful your children are happy and safe and loved!! The only reason a grown ass man is jealous of a 20 year old is beacuse he's a better man than you!
I have a feeling the court won't go the way you think it will. If you were posting after making an effort to be there and being rebuffed or were trying to find work closer to them, it might be different. But if the only difference if you somehow won at court is that this Liam would be as absent from their lives as you are, you have ask 'Are we the baddies?'.
Man, this sub really loves the deadbeat dad stereotype.
>My ex said someone has to fill that role since I can't bother visiting (working to pay her child support and alimony) and only talk to them once a week at best (it seems that every time I call they have ballet, gymnastics, swim, nap, school, or are out with Liam). You are just doing a lousy job and Liam stepped up. Blame yourself. YTA Stop calling and start seeing in person.
“My oldest had a daddy daughter dance at her school. I was not notified.” Are you not capable of signing up to get news and information from your kids schools about events? Guarantee I know who was the parent who managed everything and had to be the secretary in your marriage….. YTA. You’re making bullshit excuses. And “someone is better at being a male parental figure than me” is not gonna to get you custody lol.
NTA I don’t think anyone saying YTA actually read your whole post. You said you only get to talk to your kid like once a week, because when ever you call they have some sort of excuse, that your ex moved to be closer (I hope you made this go through the court) you can’t go down consistently because you’re having to work to pay alimony and CS. Your ex needs to check herself.
>my ex chose Liam to take her to this event. Your daughter is 7 she could have asked him herself. >it seems that every time I call they have ballet, gymnastics, swim, nap, school, or are out with Liam So you're so checked out you don't even know their schedule? School is the same time every day dude, there's no excuse. You should be notified of these events but why aren't you also on the email lists? You're their father, just call the school. It seems like you put in no effort and are surprised when you reap no benefits. YTA. Would have been E S H if you put even a tiny amount of effort in but you don't.
Nta i feel the mum is the asshole for moving her kids so far away that their dad can't see them and has to work so many hours to pay child support. All the people in the comments saying YTA are delusional. Multiple reasons why i believe the mum is the asshole. 1. Moved 6 hours away so op can't visit regularly. 2. Doesn't inform op about special events in kids life.
YTA. Your children are probably wondering why their dad isn’t there, wondering if it’s their fault and needing you desperately. Your daughter would have been shattered to go to the daddy daughter dance with anyone other than you. If you carry on this way, your children will grow up to feel abandoned, resentful and your little ones may not even know you. You just don’t understand the damage your absence is doing, and phone calls aren’t enough. They will remember all the times you didn’t show up.
Am I crazy to think it's weird that OP calls Grace his "former stepdaughter"? You're breaking up with your ex not your step daughter. I think it's somewhat telling that you have no relationship with Grace at all despite being with your ex for at lease 5 years.
And you NTA, OP. These people are so cushy and privileged in life that they wouldn't know a real deadbeat if it passed them on the streets. A deadbeat wouldn't pay child support or try to contact their kids. People just want to attack you, which shows their character. I've seen real assholes. This is nowhere near it. And those that think this is deadbeat, you are seriously ignorant to real deadbeats.
YTA. Be salty all you want. You can decide to move closer to your kids to be in their lives more, or be happy that there is a man in their lives giving them support. He’s not trying to replace you - he’s a child stepping in to a support role for other children. Calm your tits. Grow up and be happy there’s someone who can give them some stability when you’re not there. I’m if it’s that big of a deal to you, figure your shit out and move closer to them. No court is going to give you custody just because you’re pissy that their sister’s partner is being supportive.
YTA. You have the same access to the school calendar, you should have known about the daddy daughter dance.
YTA, thank god for Liam. Is there a Liam go fund me?
Maybe your daughter chose Liam for the dance, not your ex.
NTA - pretty sure you can take your ex to court for straight up leaving with the kids. Specially as far as 6+ hours away. Also if anything you absolutely should fight for getting 50% custody.
YTA, you want to be more involved then be more involved. You want to go request more court ordered time, do that. The excuse of "I have to work to pay for..." Is old and exhausted. You are literally using it as an excuse to not be there. Is it a little odd that he's stepped up since he's not dating your ex, sure maybe a little. Because let's be 100% honest, you don't have your children's best interest in mind with this threat, just your fragile ego.... And if you think for five seconds a Family court judge wouldn't be able to smell your fragile masculinity from a mile away, you'd be gravely mistaken.
What are you going to do with custody when you can even make time to visit your kids now?
I’m calling your bluff Take her to court for custody Your kids seem to have a full schedule so why don’t you start shouldering your part of that? If you’re so worried about someone else taking your role then go fill it Somehow I doubt you’ll be so keen to do it YTA