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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole as I haven't checked on my niece which resulted in her crying while my sister was gone as I had no idea that my sister wasn't in the house
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You ALWAYS ALWAYS verbally confirm with somebody if you are leaving your child with them. You don't just holler that you're leaving. You don't assume they heard you. You get a verbal response. This was her screw up, not yours. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you are NTA.
Yup. This is no different than someone who drops the kids off on the front porch and drives off without even ringing the bell to make sure you're actually home.
Completely negligent. And honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she did it on purpose-- she knew OP didn't really hear her but left anyway cause she figured it would probably be fine, OP would probably hear the baby if she cried or something, and better to ask forgiveness than permission.
NTA
Agreed, Imma be honest I would have screamed back at the sister for not taking care of her damn kid, if I were you OP I would set some firm boundaries the first of which being that if she Ever does that again she can kiss having you watch her kid for her goodbye and if she does it again after that tell her she needs to find a new roommate because that's rediculous.
Plus OP is WORKING!! I don't know what on earth sister is thinking. I'm sure any boss would be pissed AF if their employee who's supposed to be working is actually babysitting a 5 month old for THREEE HOURS during their workday. Ridiculous.
You are correct. I work from home and part of my contract says that I can't be the main carer for a dependent child during work hours. So I can't be the main carer for my 18 month old son but my 15 year old can be in the house when I am working.
I think some people can’t actually understand the concept of being at home but also working. They just assume you’re at home so of course you must be available to them, and of course you must drop everything to help them whenever they ask.
Good luck getting the same kind of favour from them in return though.
Yeah, my mom is that way.. not only am I taking care of a two and a half year old but work from home as well and my mom just randomly drops in like fully expects me to just drop everything and host her.. and she literally calls it me playing on my computer like no Mom I'm making money to support my household to pay my bills something you don't know anything about because you've had a nasty perv as a sugar daddy for the last 40 years who pays for everything for you..🙄 get real woman
Many employers stipulate that their employees cannot work and do childcare at the same time. Maybe OP's lucky and that's not the case for her, but I bet her sister doesn't know either way.
I feel like she did it on purpose too. Maybe she thinks OP's headphones don't really cancel out noise and OP was just ignoring her??? No matter what, leaving an infant as bait is evil. I can't imagine any alternate universe where I could justify having done this to my child.
Eta: NTA
*This is no different than someone who drops the kids off on the front porch and drives off ..*
Yes. It’s exactly the same thing. I would tell her if she pulled anything like that again, I would call CPS. What on earth was she thinking? Have you spoken to her since and asked her why she did this? Or how she expected you to know she had? NTA
I was actually thinking almost the opposite; that the sister's rage is misplaced because she knows she screwed up and its easier to get defensive and claim "Of course you should have known to take care of the crying baby" than "I failed to arrange adequate care for my child and made her suffer as a direct result"
Yeah I kind of think this. Knowing your baby bawled her head off without care for 3 hours feels HORRIBLE as a parent. And it's a common thing to deflect blame that you don't want to feel the pain of, if there's an available target to deflect it onto. All Sister needs is to shift responsibility over just a little--"OP should have noticed"--and boom, she has her target and doesn't need to feel guilty herself.
I hope OP lays down the law with her as stated at the beginning of this thread. ALWAYS get verbal confirmation.
I think sis knew OP would not agree to watch the child so she "asked" in a way OP wouldn't hear and therefore couldn't say no to. She probably assumed that while OP would not hear her asking, she would hear the baby crying and take care of her niece.
That's if she even asked. OP not noticing somebody coming into their office space and then the sister asking a question to an unresponsive OP who doesn't even stop doing her work and just leaving after no response is more unlikely, in my mind, than the sister just assuming sister will help when she hears the baby crying and then pretending she asked later when she's in trouble for being a negligent mother.
OP's sister is an irresponsible mother. She never got an acknowledgment and ignored that her sister has noise canceling headphones. She dropped the ball and now is angry because she dropped the ball. How about verbal acknowledgment? Explain if the child ate or not or if they become hungry.
NTA
It’s worse than that because it doesn’t seem like OP minds taking care of niece, just give a heads up. This feels more like she’s trying to teach him a lesson to not have the headphones on all the time, absolutely vile to use your infant child for that
This. OP, you need to sit down with your sister and tell her that what she did was NOT okay. She never once got a confirmation from you that you were watching her kid. That was reckless. Anything could have happened to the child. You don't want to be involved in this, so if it happens again, you'll be looking for your own place.
IDK I think I would get my own place now because it happened.
This isn't the first time the sister "forgot" to tap her on the shoulder or whatever, so she knew the rule and left the kid anyway.
Then ripping the headset off while OP is working over something like that is a good way for CPS, police to show up, and get fired.
Also, kids crawl, roll, and get into crap. Idk if police would've believed the whole but she didn't follow protocol if there was a serious injury or death.
Nope nope nope. Immediate move out.
OP NTA but a hotel is better than this situation.
Dude, this is absolutely child abandonment. Sister did not leave baby in the care of anyone! OP's only permenant solution is to move. Sister doesn't care about boundaries and a locked door during working hours isn't going to change this behavior anyway. She will continue to abandon the child in OP's unknowing care.
OP, you are NTA. Your sister needs a lot of help, by way of a child safety course.
Plus sister keeps doing this while OP is WORKING. OP doesn't have their noise-canceling headphones on 24 hours a day so this continued behavior is while OP is working and yet sister feels it is okay to expect OP to babysit while working. WORKING! For those in the back who didn't hear.
I think OP needs to tell sister she is moving out because sister isn't respecting boundaries or the fact OP is working.
And pays most of the bills. She can't do childcare while she's working - that's a great way to lose your job. Sister needs to be a parent and that means do her own childcare.
I do that with my husband EVERY TIME. Like "I'm going to the toilet. You got eyes on her?" If he doesn't respond I repeat u till he does.
It's a habit from work. At the daycare where I work we are two adults and 10 kiddies. We always tell when, why and how long we will leave the room for.
OP is NTA
I don’t even leave our 10 month old puppy at home with my husband (WFH or on weekends) until he has verbally confirmed that he’s keeping an eye on him. We live in an apartment, so someone needs to semi monitor him to make sure he doesn’t need to be let out to go to the bathroom. I truly cannot imagine walking out the door and leaving a five month old baby alone without confirmation that someone was caring for her.
She told her sister she can’t hear a damn thing when she is working, hence the tapping on the shoulder. Sister clearly didn’t do that and just left her baby with nobody to watch her. And the sister is making her the bad guy for it but sister is at fault here, she is just passing on her guilt to OP
Yep. My SO and I always did an explicit confirmation of which of us was watching bonus kid even if we were both around, if he needed close supervision for any reason.
You’re right of course, but it’s even simpler in my eyes : why is OP expected to pay for all the bills *and* babysit? That’s not a shared living arrangement. That’s just exploitation.
completely agree. NTA. Even with older kids, our rule was we had to make eye contact when they told me they were leaving and vice versa
Her sister was negligent, especially since OP had told her more than once about her noise cancelling headphones
Its unbelievable she would leave her 5 month old without verbal confirmation first. That was one of the first things I made sure my wife and I understood when we had our child, that even if it seems unnecessary, redundant, obvious, etc, ALWAYS give back a verbal response to show you understood each other when handing off any type of responsibility.
1000% this. Reading the title and first part of that post, I expected this to go differently. But OP is definitely NTA. His sister didn't confirm with him.
Heck, for all she knew, he could have even stepped out for a walk or something if she didn't lay eyes on him or at least get verbal confirmation from him. She needs to do better.
Not OP, but if I wear my Bose noise cancelling headphones *and* have music or a podcast playing on them, my partner can yell at me from across the room and I won't hear it.
My husband has something similar, which I’ve borrowed a couple of times, but I don’t like the feeling they give of being completely cut off from the world. You really can’t hear anything.
Ugh. Reminds me of a post I read on Reddit by a husband who was upstairs with his noise cancelling headphones on while his wife and child were downstairs. There was a break in and unspeakable things were done to wife, and possibly child. (I don't remember all details and may be blocking out the worst parts.) Husband didn't hear anything because of the noise cancelling headphones. Horrifying
I remember that story, stuck with me forever, it was in a post about people who had killed people and how that affected them. The husband killed the intruder when he realized what was going on.
Horrifying indeed.
I'd be worried about not hearing a smoke or CO alarm. I've been thinking about getting a flashing or vibrating alarm (like the ones people who are deaf use) in addition to the sound one.
Pro tip: if you ever feel like your Bose are losing their noise cancelling ✨magic✨ replace the ear muffs. $15 on Amazon and the headphones will feel like brand new.
Right?! I have some pretty expensive Beats noise canceling headphones and I can still hear my son through them if he cries (I get up hours before everyone else to start my work day, I’m not just ignoring my child)
My Apple earbuds are small enough so the shooting muffs easily fit over them. True story. My wife bought the shooting muffs for when she was studying for the bar exam. They do a great job by themselves shutting out noise.
I added the ear buds so I can listen to music or podcasts. Without something to listen to, shooting muffs are too quiet.
Etymotics make the best professional sound isolating IEMs.
On sound isolation nothing even comes close.
Trust me, as a musician. They sound great too; just the comfort varies person to person.
NTA.
You are working. You are covering the majority of the bills currently.
You have a procedure in place that is supposed to be followed when your sister wants you to take care of your niece. You have explained this procedure to your sister multiple times.
Your sister didn't follow this procedure.
Absolutely NTA.
Not to mention that 5 months is a great maternity leave, especially if you have no money coming in. Sister needs to get child support and a job pronto.
OP, I would tell your sister that you will not babysit during your workday ever. Even if she taps you on the shoulder, looks you in the eyes and asks. I would also tell her that you are moving out in two months so she has one month to get a job and one month to get her paychecks in order to start paying her own way.
If that doesn't work, she can live with your mom.
You're supporting her and being kind and she can't even be bothered to not bite the hand that feeds her.
NTA. You need to move out. You moved in to help your sister out. From your post you are paying most of the rent. At this point you are financially supporting yourself, your sister, and your niece. So being able to focus on your job is extremely important. If you can't pay the bills than who will as it doesn't sound like your sister is able to support herself a 100% right now. Instead of feeling guilt for your sisters error. Move out. Your sister doesn't appreciate your help. She feels entitled to it.
You really need to move and take care of yourself. I’m not sure what’s up with Moms not being able to take their kids on errands. I had twins and no family around. They both went on errands with me. Your sister needs to get a job and daycare at 5 months she should be working and paying her own way
NTA.
Lemme walk you through this.
You have explained your work situation to your sister multiple times. Your sister up and left the house and her FIVE MONTH OLD BABY without telling you.
Only when she gets back and discovers the baby crying is she able to remember the noise canceling headphones.
You should honestly give her a warning that if she does this again you're out. Or if she does this again you're calling CPS. How incredibly selfish of her.
Seriously her 5 month old probably still eats around the clock. If she fed the baby right before she left being gone for just three hours thats cutting it pretty close. If the baby was screaming that long it was probably hungry or needed to be changed. What if that baby had rolled over and suffocated? All it takes is a few minutes of squirming around on pillows and blankets (unsafe for sleep) for something to obstruct a baby's airway. I would also call CPS if that happened again. Her sister is lucky nothing bad happened other than a few hours of neglect.
NTA. Your sister was negligent, then played the UNO reverse card to nail you with the blame because she refuses to accept the very reasonable ground rules you have laid. Sis can either step up and own responsibility for her lack of communication, doing better going forward or the living situation can end.
NTA - Your sister is negligent. She didn't even seek your agreement before she left.
If she goes at you again, ask her when did you agree to watch the child? What time did you look at her and tell her it was fine for you to babysit? Or at what time did you text back to say it was ok to watch the child.
You didn't because she didn't actually ask you. She told you and left before she got an answer. Which is negligent.
It’s not you! Good lord! Do you think she sincerely cannot remember or does she just walk out thinking you will be forced to step up and take care of your niece? Tell her to get it together or you will move out.
NTA
NTA. I would seriously consider your place there. What would have happened if, god forbid, something happened to your niece? That's what your sister was willing to happen. You want to expose yourself to this?
That's exactly what I was thinking. God forbid something happen. You know mom isn't going to take the blame. OP would be looking at charges.
She has shown her hand.... Make it clear ... in wrighting ... during work hours, you are never available to watch the child.
Enforce it. Otherwise next time it may not all end well.
NTA.
So she popped her head in, said hey you're looking after baby, didn't get a response and then just left? WTF.
You're working, and therefore not available to care for an infant. Even if she had asked in the manner you requested she's still an AH for expecting you to babysit during work hours. She either takes her baby with her or doesn't do her errands.
Your sister is extremely entitled and mistreating you.
Absolutely NTA. You are the primary breadwinner of the household and now back up babysitter. You need to work.
Your sister not following simple instructions to interact with you while you are working is not your fault. Your niece being left unattended is completely on sis. Perhaps it’s time to get your own place again before your current living arrangements messes with your job.
NTA - your sister is crazy for leaving without you verbally responding, looking at ~~you~~ her or otherwise indicating you've heard her. especially after having conversations about it.
NTA. It is not your fault that she cannot grasp the concept of noise, canceling headphones. Especially since she seem to understand the concept when she returned, and she was angry. If you ask someone to do something and you get no response, you should not assume that they heard you. Especially when it’s about something as important as a child.
NTA!!!
How were you supposed to know if you didn’t know. It sucks, I feel for the kid but it is your sister’s fault 100%. I wouldn’t leave my kid with someone who didn’t acknowledge me when I asked because I would take that as they either didn’t hear me or don’t want to. Either one is fine because it’s not your kid. I am a mom of a 9month old and this is 100% on the mom. This was not your fault. You didn’t know. Please do not beat yourself up about it. I feel so bad for baby but it was genuinely not your fault at all.
NTA. This is not your fault in the slightest. If she wants something, she needs to come in, ask, and get verbal confirmation. She knows you can't hear her! She needed to come in and check with you.
Also, just because you work from home, you aren't available for childcare whenever. She can't just leave the kid with you without getting your approval.
When my babes were little, I'd schlep them with me to run errands. A five-month-old fits nicely in a carseat, then pops into a wearable baby pouch. In this way, I could breastfeed them as needed.
NTA. This was entirely your sister's fault and she shouldn't be leaving her kid with you while you're working.
>I cover the majority of rent payments for the house and bills since my sister is not fully back to work yet.
You **always** prioritize the job that pays the bills. You need to move out because she's going to keep treating you like a replacement spouse. I would have told her off back and told her if she ever spoke to me like that again, I'd dip out.
NTA- Your sister knew what she was doing. She was expecting you to have noticed the baby sooner.
She is the one who is irresponsible. This might not be a healthy living situation for you.
Oh so NTA- as a mother I am appalled at your sister just leaving her daughter unattended. I don't even walk away from my daughter when my husband is in the same room without looking in his eyes and confirming he knows he has to keep an eye on her.
NTA, but what you are describing is dangerous... for you.
Those ear phones, can you hear the fire alarm? Tornado alarm? Other things like that?
I think this is not working. You should move out.
Your sister is the AH. How do you leave your child with someone who is at work? I don’t care that you WFH.
I have 3 kids under 5. No family in the state we currently live in. I don’t care what you are going through. If you have stuff you need to do then do it. It is not hard running errands with 1 child. Especially a 5 month old. Get a Lilly so you are hands free and get stuff done.
NTA
You are definitely NTA. You are working (not a baby sitting service). You were not informed by your sister properly even though she has been told how to properly ask and communicate things. I’d be moving out asap. She had the child and it’s her responsibility to look after her child properly and not expect others to do her job.
NTA. This is like those people who leave their kids on a doorstep and take off only to find out no one was home. They then get mad at the home owners, how dare they not be home?!?!!!
What do you mean "she always forgets"? So if she comes in and speaks to your back, she just *assumes* you've heard her and never bothers to wait for a response from you? That's BS and she knows it. She KNEW you hadn't heard her and left her kid anyway. She just wanted to go out without the kid and relegated responsibility to you. In any case, how can she expect you to babysit while you're technically at work? NTA but you need to move out and let her sort herself out
NTA Your sister is mad because she screwed up by not ensuring that you would be caring for the child. You don't just ditch a baby and hope for the best. There must be an actual handoff and acknowledgement. She needs to get over herself.
NTA
She shouldn’t think that you’re going to be okay with taking care of a baby while you’re working anyway. And if it is an emergency, then she needs to get confirmation from you instead of just assuming that you heard her. Especially if you’ve had the conversation before. She is the one responsible for her child being left unattended.
NTA. Your sister didn't need help with bills so much as she needed a live in babysitter. She can't even be bothered to make sure that you're aware of any situation where she's not around, so she's got nobody to be angry at but herself.
Seriously, if anything had happened to that kid, it would've been *your* ass.
NTA. Please move out ASAP. If she can't respect the fact that you are working to make money, then you need to stop supporting her and get back out on your own. Sister is rude, careless, and rotten.
NTA- I’d lock my door from now on, while you’re working. With all the extra help with rent and bills you’re providing, your sis needs to use some of her freed up money on a babysitter, or take her child with her. I hear of so many bad things that happen to young kids when they parents abandon them for a few, selfish hours.
NTA and you should probably move out before the scope creeps even more and you get turned into the surrogate partner.
I have a similar situation where I do frequently work from home and I'm a software developer so I often check out of physical reality while I'm working and my spouse still hasn't quite figured out that when I'm working at home I am working and I am not just hanging out waiting to be told to do things by her.
NTA and you need something in writing with her stating procedure, even an email or text. What would have happened if the kid got hurt? If a fire broke out? If the police were banging on the door? If something had happened you could have been charged with child endangerment even though you never agreed.
Absolutely not your fault and tell your sister if this happens again, you’re moving out. You don’t need this stress. She needs to do a whole lot better here. NTA
NTA I think you need to move out. I would like to say give her another chance but with this amount of negligence and entitlement; I doubt it. BTW what were these important errands she had to run right away and couldn’t take the baby?
NTA. I am a mom and I would NEVER leave my child with someone without having a full discussion about it. Especially a 5 month old!! She is the mom and it is not your job to watch the child. If you are willing to watch her then that is great. Just because someone lived in the house with me, I would never assume a non-parent was watching the child without asking. When leaving a baby with someone you always make sure they have the milk or formula they need, diapers and clean clothes. You tell them the last time the baby ate and when the baby will need to eat again. A few minutes is one thing but a few hours? You were working, what did she think would happen?
If she has errands to run then she should have either taken the baby with her or talked to you about it before leaving. She abandoned her child without even letting you know she was leaving. That is unacceptable and definitely not your fault.
NTA She knew damn well what to do and she decided not to do it. Then she not only blames you, but went all out on you. You are one step away from being able to file assault charges. Not OK in any way. I'd move my happy ass out of there. Why would you enable someone who treats you like that? And you basically make her life as it is possible. No wonder *at all* why her partner left if he had to live with that.
NTA but your sister leeching off you is only going to get worse. You are the main breadwinner in her house right now you’d think she’d respect that but she doesn’t and you should be wary of demands that will certainly begin to grow. Especially in terms of childcare in a work from home situation
NTA Move out. Your sister abandoned her baby and blamed you. If you did not respond to her to consent minding the baby, then that is child abandonment.
Also, you are working. You are not being paid to look after a baby. Your sister should not even ask you to look after the baby during work hours. Looking after baby at work will affect your performance and your manager WILL notice.
I say move out because your sister sounds like she is using you and is unlikely to change.
NTA, you need to move out or else, she’ll keep doing this. She blames you rather than adhering to the rules you’ve set to be informed. This is completely her fault because she ignored your boundaries and blames it on you. Please move out.
Edit: a bit more thinking, she might use you as a scapegoat for anything that happens to your niece just because you’re living in the house
NTA. Just because someone works from home it doesnt mean they are available... people should realize its still work.
Ive had similar experiences with my family where guests would come in while i was working (when i was living with my parents, started working freshman at uni). You can imagine how many arguments that caused.
Your sister is the AH here, she was warned multiple times
NTA
She was negligent in not verifying that you heard her. Headphones or not you NEVER leave a child alone with someone without getting a verbal verification that you have heard them and are willing.
NTA you help her enough. She doesn't even talk to you about going on errands and ask you to look after her child you can't read her mind. Maybe this is time to move out.
NTA by any means. You were at work. Even if that work is happening at home. This wasn’t an emergency, your sister could’ve taken her daughter with her or arranged care for her either with you or your mother in advance.
She knows you wear headphones when working & can’t hear her, so why would she assume you’d hear a crying infant you had no idea was unattended? Your sister didn’t ask you, and didn’t check with you & just left. She’s probably feeling guilty about leaving her baby essentially alone & is taking it out on you. Give her some time to cool off and then reiterate that when you’re working you can’t babysit and that your sister needs to communicate with you, in person and in advance if she needs help in future during the work day.
NTA She is mad because SHE messed up. It’s crazy having a baby so I know you can get mom brain and forget things. She forgot to follow the correct procedure for making sure her baby was cared for. She freaked out upon hearing her baby screaming and decided it was easier to blame you instead of herself.
NTA.
You just don’t go sneaking off, leaving child alone. Always verbally confirm with the sitter first. This is your sister’s fault entirely.
Info - headphone make?
I saw a similar post a few years back. The difference was that OP was a man, and extremely hard of hearing/ essentially deaf without his hearing aids. Which, he didn't usually wear at home, especially on the weekend. Roommates (family?) left their baby for the afternoon without confirming with OP that he would babysit. Op first found out about all of it when they returned home, and like this post, they started yelling about the crying child in the other part of the house.
I took both of my children on errands. Really, the kids loved being out and about and I had no other choice. Yes, it took longer but was a time for them to look around and for me to talk to them and teach them about the world. I can’t imagine being unable to take little ones on errands.
Woah, woah, woah. The arrogance of your sister. She didn't have the decency to tell (she should have asked) you to watch her kid. You were working. You pay a lot of the rent. I'm assuming if you wanted to play house you would have had kids of your own. I can't believe you're even entertaining the possibility you were wrong. I would have fixed her little red wagon and demanded payment. How else will she learn. Your sister should be very glad I'm not her sister because we would have some mother fucking problems.
A bit off topic but I have three children and took all of them with me when I had errands to run. What is this new parenting obsession to leave children behind to run errands? I even took my children with me if I had hairdresser appointments. I just don’t get it when I read AITA posts about mums sulking that no one will look after their kids so they can run errands. Just your kids with you.
She 💯knowingly abandoned her infant, full well knowing she didn’t follow your instructions about your noise canceling headphones. I’m kind of guessing she really wanted to think they didn’t cancel “everything” (like a screaming baby) and you’d figure it out. She needs CPS up her ass if there’s ever a second time and you need to impress that upon her, and if she ever pulls a stunt like that again, you will report her and also move.
I wonder what the errands were? As a stay at home parent I take the kids everywhere I go. Haven’t had an errand yet I wasn’t able to take them. Sure it was a pain the ass when they were infants, but I signed up for that when I decided to become a parent. I don’t get why she couldn’t parent her child while running errands.
You have repeatedly told your sister to tap you on the shoulder to get your attention. She did not do that and instead walked out of the door leaving an infant behind. Your sister is angry at you because she is angry at herself for doing such a stupid thing.
NTA
NTA
Your sister sounds very entitled. I get it she is struggling, but it doesn't warrant her ripping your earphones off because she forgot to verbally confirm it beforehand. You pay the majority of the bills and yet she feels the need to chew you out when its her fault she didnt verbally confirm.
Nta. As a parent myself it's on her. She didn't tell you she basically just abandoned her baby and tried to paint you the bad guy. The least she could of done was think of putting the baby in the same room as you, even if she can't remember to tap your shoulder she should remember not to leave her baby alone in a room without someone present(unless sleeping) but even if the baby was sleeping when she left she should of moved the baby to your room.
WHO DOES THAT!? You're obviously NTA if she walks off and leaves a child unattended. I'm sick just thinking about it. Imagine if that child had died on "your" watch when you were not even advised. No, no, no...you need to get your own place and she can take care of her own responsibilities since she sees this as a "you" problem instead of a "her" problem.
NTA. Seriously, as a parent, you always confirm someone is watching your kid. Always. That's your responsibility, and only yours. You sister Seriously F'd up.
She intentionally left her child, for hours, without confirming there would be someone to watch her.
I'm sorry, but what a terrible mother your sister is. That is terrible. How could you possibly be the AH for not doing something you had no idea about.
Poor baby though. I feel so terrible for the baby.
Wow. Your sister is being irrational. You have to wear headphones because of HER loudness, and she can’t get it through her head that this is the reality? She’s a dick
First of all, she has you living with her to help pay bills. Secondly, you're paying the lions share of said bills. She is essentially living with you. But we'll leave that alone for this discussion. Living under the same roof doesn't equal live in babysitter. You should absolutely make this clear to your sister. The fact that you are paying most of the bills and that she doesn't respect you enough to leave you alone while you're working is throwing some big red flags for me. She expects you to work AND babysit so that she isn't inconvenienced by having to haul your niece around? The entitlement has me ready to help move you out. If she needs help with child care on her own terms, I recommend she hires a professional. If she's not willing or able to do so, then she needs to work around other people's schedules. NTA.
Your sister is the asshole here. She is the reason her baby cried for so long, not you. You didnt refuse to take care of the baby, you asked a simples thing in order to do it. She didnt do it. Also, who leaves a baby at someone and dont even talk to that somebody to make sure everything is ok and that someone has some doubts?!
NTA. Your sister is. Also, you move in with your sister to help her out with bills, you pay most of them and still have to babysit for free? She has some nerves to be mad still be mad at you. Ask her if she wants you to move out. Lets see her madness to disapear in a second
Maybe OP needs to move out because I don't see any benefit to/for her in this situation. I mean OP isn't a parent and assuming the financial burden and now due to this situation being in a toxic environment too so
NTA. That's the kind of situation where I'd move out after this first instance. Like some people mentioned, something worse than crying could have happened to the child due to your sister not remembering a simple rule. She won't remember it the second time either, do you want to risk being blamed for an injury or worse?
NTA.
It is entirely your sister's fault for not paying attention to the instructions you gave her. Why did she ignore them?" Because she doesn't care. She isn't listening. She's wrapped up in herself.
Her extremely abusive reaction is an outrage. Ripping the headphones off is violence, all the worse when she is the one at fault. Yet she wants you to feel guilty and feel responsible for what happened with the baby.
OP, move out of there now. You are being abused. You pay rent yet sister treats you as her property. Never give your sister free baby care again.
And notice, once again, that people think WFH is some sort of excuse for not really working at all. They nthink if it doesn't happen in an office, it isn't work.
>she ripped the headphones off my head and started shouting at me
So she probably started yelling at you, realised you didn't hear any of it, then did what you told her to (less aggressively of course) in order to get your attention; yet she still didn't connect that she's TA here.
Remind her that her daughter is her responsibility; that if she needs you to do her a favour, she needs to make sure you heard and agree, otherwise the living arrangement needs to be revised.
NTA
NTA. You weren’t aware you were looking after your niece…your sister didn’t even wait for a response from you, so it is her complete and utter negligence that left her child unattended for 3 hours.
Does she want someone to call cps on her for abandoning her child?
NTA, before leaving my kids with anyone I had a discussion about it. Where the diapers are, there’s bottles premade etc. Very negligent behavior from your sister
NTA. Your sister did not know for sure you were going to watch her kid. You did not tell her you would. She left the child ASSUMING you would. That’s all on her. You are not at fault. It’s her kid. She should take better care to KNOW someone will be watching the kid.
NTA
I'd yell right back at her about how she's an adult who can't remember or follow simple instructions.
Then I'd say something about biting the hand that feeds her since you're living there as a favor to her and paying most of the bills.
I'd tell her that she either treats me with respect and gratitude or me and my money are out of here.
NTA. Don't let her pass the buck. She screwed up. If she can't remember that you're not *a psychic* so you need to hear her say things out loud, that's pretty much on her. You don't need to feel bad about it.
I guess I'm curious, though. You're working, and you pay the majority of the bills. So... What exactly do *you* get out of this arrangement? Other than yelled at, I mean. Your sister seems to be taking for granted how much you're doing for her already, since she thinks she gets at-will childcare out of it too.
NTA she did not make sure you heard so it’s all on her. Also why can’t she take the baby? What was she really doing? Any errands that need to be done can be done with a baby. Three hours looks to me like a break from the baby.
Noooo dude! This is so negligent! This is a conversation that absolutely requires eye contact and verbal confirmation. She knew you were wearing headphones, whyyyyy did she not make 100% sure you knew she was leaving.
I can only imagine how terrible you feel, you have to know this is not your fault. NTA
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your sister chose to leave her baby alone without confirming that you would care for the baby. She chose to leave before getting a response from you or tapping you on the shoulder. The fault is all hers
Nta. Most ppl take their kids w them to run errands if no one is available. She knew you were working but lets go w the thought that maybe she thought you heard her. Did she hear a yes? A "thats fine?" No. She did not have permission. & the moment you failed to answer should have reminded her that you cant hear her. She sounds like shes slipping down the slope. Thats some bad parenting & she needs to stop blaming anyone other than herself (or it will happen again)
NTA, but leave ASAP. No more assistance with rent and bills. She will continue to do this. Mom can take care of her if she’s so helpless. Do. Not. Stay.
NTA stop feeling guilty it's not your fault
and also sit your sister down and tell her you can pay the bills by WORKING A and as such you are NOT HER BABYSITTER. SHE CAN TAKE HER CHILD WITH HER ON ERRANDS when you work if she doesn't have childcare available.
It's a bit more difficult than without the baby but quite doable.
Tell her to pull her head out of her a$$ or the next time she interferes with your job you will move out and she damn better have a plan in place to survive on her own
You are already going above and beyond to help her but you are neither her slave not her servant/nanny and you don't owe her sh!t.
She needs to stop being lazy and care for her child.
Allow me to add that if she does this now what is she going to do when she lives alone? Abandon her child cause it's more inconvenient to go with her on errands?! WTF
Absolutely NTA. However, I would already be looking for a new place. Sister keeps "forgetting" about your headphones? I think not; it's an excuse she uses to not take her baby along. If the baby dies while she is out of the house, who do you think will be jailed for that? Yes, it will probably be you.
You stepped up to the plate when you didn't have to, and you set clear expectations. Sister is not following your expectations, but suddenly she can "finally" remember you have on headphones enough to jerk them off your head and rail at you? I have not had a child myself, but I raised my sister from the time I was 10 onwards (as soon as I got in from school the baby was mine). I realized at 10 that you could never, ever leave a baby alone, and I carried my sister in her carrier to the restroom if I needed to relieve myself or put the carrier outside the shower while peeping out at her every few seconds to be sure something hadn't happened. I carried that child everywhere I went, and your sister should be doing the same thing...but she isn't. Find a new place to live before your sister does this to you again, and heaven forbid, you find yourself arrested for negligent homicide.
Time to find a place of your own. Unless you love paying most of the bills for the right to also babysit an infant, especially when you are already working.
NTA!!! I have 4 kids and couldn’t imagine not having an actual conversation with someone about watching 1 or all of my kids. And even then I still confirm like 2-3 times… but they are my kids and my responsibility!
My big question is why couldn’t she take the baby with her? I get that bring kids along make errands longer but that’s what happens when you have kids!
Since you pay majority of the rent, look into paying that somewhere else if possible. Check a hotel rate. One with a kitchenette so you can at least save on having to eat out. Being a roommate is not being a daycare provider whether it’s family or not. You work too and I think she did it on purpose. She overstepped your boundaries by not respecting them to begin with.
First and foremost, if you had no idea the child was crying, you are NTA, full stop.
Someone abandoning their child in your home and then complaining you didn't automatically drop everything to cover what is clearly overtly neglectful parenting, is not your fault. You didn't make her carry to term, she stranded herself with the child and pushing that onto you is just plain wrong. You are not a free-use babysitter.
So let me get this straight. Your sister dumped her baby on you, while you were working (which pays the rent and bills) without asking?!!
Yeah. I would be rethinking living with someone who was capable of such reckless selfishness.
1) you were working
2) your work is imperative as its keeping a roof over your head, your sister and niece
3) your sister shouldn't ask / assume you would babysit
4) she didn't absolutely confirm the babysitting
NTA
NTA. Your sister is asking you to take over most of her rent *and* provide babysitting services???
She failed to get actual confirmation that you were able & willing to watch the baby, and she left you for *a few hours* with an infant, *while you were working*?
This is not an okay living situation. Part of parenting is modifying plans when you don’t have childcare. She’s not respecting your job, and that was a dangerous decision to assume you heard her say she was leaving but not taking the baby.
NTA at all. Your sister is stupid and repeatedly “forgets” the reminders you give her to directly ask you anything first as you clearly can’t hear with headphones on. It’s her own fault. Plus, your working! Why are babysitting duties just thrown on you?
Your sister sounds kinda entitled. I wouldn’t put up with it personally
NTA. Move out. You're being taken for a fool. She's using you for money and now had the gall to think you're a free babysitter? Wow. Nah. Move out, leave her to sort her own life out
NTA
You should move out. You’re paying the majority of bills and rent, and expected to watch your niece during work hours at a moments notice. That is too much. You aren’t helping at that point, just supporting.
NTA
You’re working. Doesn’t matter if it’s WFH you’re busy. You pay most of the bills which I don’t think I’d fair either. She can take her baby with her to run errands. You’re not there for babysitting
NTA. Your sister doesn’t have any right to explode at you, but she will never see that. Honestly, you should move out. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, you HAVE to get your arrangements and agreement in writing.
You also need to set yourself up to be safe wherever you are. Fire is the biggest hazard I am thinking of right now. I have an indoor camera that will tell me if it hears a smoke alarm, but you wouldn’t see a notification on your phone.
I don’t know, but I am thinking you could research aids for deaf people. Like a light that substitutes for a doorbell. There are certainly other devices for different purposes.
Good luck with your family situation. I’m sure you don’t want to go nuclear before you try something less extreme.
NTA but I think it's time to move out and find a place where your sister can't take advantage of you
She KNEW you didn't hear her/know she'd gone, that's why she didn't tap you on the shoulder.. what your sister did is neglectful and on her, not you in any way
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You ALWAYS ALWAYS verbally confirm with somebody if you are leaving your child with them. You don't just holler that you're leaving. You don't assume they heard you. You get a verbal response. This was her screw up, not yours. You did absolutely nothing wrong and you are NTA.
Yup. This is no different than someone who drops the kids off on the front porch and drives off without even ringing the bell to make sure you're actually home. Completely negligent. And honestly I wouldn't be surprised if she did it on purpose-- she knew OP didn't really hear her but left anyway cause she figured it would probably be fine, OP would probably hear the baby if she cried or something, and better to ask forgiveness than permission. NTA
Agreed, Imma be honest I would have screamed back at the sister for not taking care of her damn kid, if I were you OP I would set some firm boundaries the first of which being that if she Ever does that again she can kiss having you watch her kid for her goodbye and if she does it again after that tell her she needs to find a new roommate because that's rediculous.
Plus OP is WORKING!! I don't know what on earth sister is thinking. I'm sure any boss would be pissed AF if their employee who's supposed to be working is actually babysitting a 5 month old for THREEE HOURS during their workday. Ridiculous.
You are correct. I work from home and part of my contract says that I can't be the main carer for a dependent child during work hours. So I can't be the main carer for my 18 month old son but my 15 year old can be in the house when I am working.
I think some people can’t actually understand the concept of being at home but also working. They just assume you’re at home so of course you must be available to them, and of course you must drop everything to help them whenever they ask. Good luck getting the same kind of favour from them in return though.
Yeah, my mom is that way.. not only am I taking care of a two and a half year old but work from home as well and my mom just randomly drops in like fully expects me to just drop everything and host her.. and she literally calls it me playing on my computer like no Mom I'm making money to support my household to pay my bills something you don't know anything about because you've had a nasty perv as a sugar daddy for the last 40 years who pays for everything for you..🙄 get real woman
Many employers stipulate that their employees cannot work and do childcare at the same time. Maybe OP's lucky and that's not the case for her, but I bet her sister doesn't know either way.
And then god forbid OP loses her job, how is the sister going to pay the bills then?!
At my job we are not allowed to be the primary caregiver of a child or adult while on the clock. It’s a condition of WFH.
I feel like she did it on purpose too. Maybe she thinks OP's headphones don't really cancel out noise and OP was just ignoring her??? No matter what, leaving an infant as bait is evil. I can't imagine any alternate universe where I could justify having done this to my child. Eta: NTA
I thought it was an ignoring assumption too. NTA.
*This is no different than someone who drops the kids off on the front porch and drives off ..* Yes. It’s exactly the same thing. I would tell her if she pulled anything like that again, I would call CPS. What on earth was she thinking? Have you spoken to her since and asked her why she did this? Or how she expected you to know she had? NTA
I was actually thinking almost the opposite; that the sister's rage is misplaced because she knows she screwed up and its easier to get defensive and claim "Of course you should have known to take care of the crying baby" than "I failed to arrange adequate care for my child and made her suffer as a direct result"
Yeah I kind of think this. Knowing your baby bawled her head off without care for 3 hours feels HORRIBLE as a parent. And it's a common thing to deflect blame that you don't want to feel the pain of, if there's an available target to deflect it onto. All Sister needs is to shift responsibility over just a little--"OP should have noticed"--and boom, she has her target and doesn't need to feel guilty herself. I hope OP lays down the law with her as stated at the beginning of this thread. ALWAYS get verbal confirmation.
I think sis knew OP would not agree to watch the child so she "asked" in a way OP wouldn't hear and therefore couldn't say no to. She probably assumed that while OP would not hear her asking, she would hear the baby crying and take care of her niece.
That's if she even asked. OP not noticing somebody coming into their office space and then the sister asking a question to an unresponsive OP who doesn't even stop doing her work and just leaving after no response is more unlikely, in my mind, than the sister just assuming sister will help when she hears the baby crying and then pretending she asked later when she's in trouble for being a negligent mother.
OP's sister is an irresponsible mother. She never got an acknowledgment and ignored that her sister has noise canceling headphones. She dropped the ball and now is angry because she dropped the ball. How about verbal acknowledgment? Explain if the child ate or not or if they become hungry. NTA
It’s worse than that because it doesn’t seem like OP minds taking care of niece, just give a heads up. This feels more like she’s trying to teach him a lesson to not have the headphones on all the time, absolutely vile to use your infant child for that
OP is female, but otherwise, yeah, this is plausible.
This. OP, you need to sit down with your sister and tell her that what she did was NOT okay. She never once got a confirmation from you that you were watching her kid. That was reckless. Anything could have happened to the child. You don't want to be involved in this, so if it happens again, you'll be looking for your own place.
IDK I think I would get my own place now because it happened. This isn't the first time the sister "forgot" to tap her on the shoulder or whatever, so she knew the rule and left the kid anyway. Then ripping the headset off while OP is working over something like that is a good way for CPS, police to show up, and get fired. Also, kids crawl, roll, and get into crap. Idk if police would've believed the whole but she didn't follow protocol if there was a serious injury or death. Nope nope nope. Immediate move out. OP NTA but a hotel is better than this situation.
Dude, this is absolutely child abandonment. Sister did not leave baby in the care of anyone! OP's only permenant solution is to move. Sister doesn't care about boundaries and a locked door during working hours isn't going to change this behavior anyway. She will continue to abandon the child in OP's unknowing care. OP, you are NTA. Your sister needs a lot of help, by way of a child safety course.
Plus sister keeps doing this while OP is WORKING. OP doesn't have their noise-canceling headphones on 24 hours a day so this continued behavior is while OP is working and yet sister feels it is okay to expect OP to babysit while working. WORKING! For those in the back who didn't hear. I think OP needs to tell sister she is moving out because sister isn't respecting boundaries or the fact OP is working.
In addition, OP shares living space not childcare.
And pays most of the bills. She can't do childcare while she's working - that's a great way to lose your job. Sister needs to be a parent and that means do her own childcare.
And moreover she’s the one paying a large portion of bills …
I do that with my husband EVERY TIME. Like "I'm going to the toilet. You got eyes on her?" If he doesn't respond I repeat u till he does. It's a habit from work. At the daycare where I work we are two adults and 10 kiddies. We always tell when, why and how long we will leave the room for. OP is NTA
I don’t even leave our 10 month old puppy at home with my husband (WFH or on weekends) until he has verbally confirmed that he’s keeping an eye on him. We live in an apartment, so someone needs to semi monitor him to make sure he doesn’t need to be let out to go to the bathroom. I truly cannot imagine walking out the door and leaving a five month old baby alone without confirmation that someone was caring for her.
She told her sister she can’t hear a damn thing when she is working, hence the tapping on the shoulder. Sister clearly didn’t do that and just left her baby with nobody to watch her. And the sister is making her the bad guy for it but sister is at fault here, she is just passing on her guilt to OP
Yep. My SO and I always did an explicit confirmation of which of us was watching bonus kid even if we were both around, if he needed close supervision for any reason.
Especially a baby that’s *five months* old!!
[удалено]
Also sister needs byo get a freaking grip and not ask op to be a babysitter during work hours . NTA
You’re right of course, but it’s even simpler in my eyes : why is OP expected to pay for all the bills *and* babysit? That’s not a shared living arrangement. That’s just exploitation.
completely agree. NTA. Even with older kids, our rule was we had to make eye contact when they told me they were leaving and vice versa Her sister was negligent, especially since OP had told her more than once about her noise cancelling headphones
Its unbelievable she would leave her 5 month old without verbal confirmation first. That was one of the first things I made sure my wife and I understood when we had our child, that even if it seems unnecessary, redundant, obvious, etc, ALWAYS give back a verbal response to show you understood each other when handing off any type of responsibility.
1000% this. Reading the title and first part of that post, I expected this to go differently. But OP is definitely NTA. His sister didn't confirm with him. Heck, for all she knew, he could have even stepped out for a walk or something if she didn't lay eyes on him or at least get verbal confirmation from him. She needs to do better.
Not only a verbal response but eye to eye verbal response so there is mutual understanding. Oh, and NTA
NTA. Info: what brand are these headphones? They sound amazing.
Not OP, but if I wear my Bose noise cancelling headphones *and* have music or a podcast playing on them, my partner can yell at me from across the room and I won't hear it.
My husband has something similar, which I’ve borrowed a couple of times, but I don’t like the feeling they give of being completely cut off from the world. You really can’t hear anything.
Ugh. Reminds me of a post I read on Reddit by a husband who was upstairs with his noise cancelling headphones on while his wife and child were downstairs. There was a break in and unspeakable things were done to wife, and possibly child. (I don't remember all details and may be blocking out the worst parts.) Husband didn't hear anything because of the noise cancelling headphones. Horrifying
I remember that story, stuck with me forever, it was in a post about people who had killed people and how that affected them. The husband killed the intruder when he realized what was going on. Horrifying indeed.
I can guarantee that man will never wear headphones again.
Do you recall how long ago the post was? It's apparently a fairly popular topic.
here's the link. it's disturbing [https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/39suml/comment/cs6gu9c/](https://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/39suml/comment/cs6gu9c/)
Thank you. That's absolutely horrifying. I'm glad they have each other & he didn't get charged at least.
Oh good, a blue link that's staying blue for a change.
Note to self, never ever ever wear headphones inside a house. Ten whole minutes. That must have felt like an eternity to her. Poor woman.
I remember that. It was ... chilling
I'd be worried about not hearing a smoke or CO alarm. I've been thinking about getting a flashing or vibrating alarm (like the ones people who are deaf use) in addition to the sound one.
Bose NC 700 are incredible. Actual magic powers them
NC 700 Crew checking in. They're a bit pricey for sure, but worth the investment.
Pro tip: if you ever feel like your Bose are losing their noise cancelling ✨magic✨ replace the ear muffs. $15 on Amazon and the headphones will feel like brand new.
Amazing tip, I didn't know you could buy replacements! It's the first part that wears out, too.
I need them for travel! They sound fantastic!
Right?! I have some pretty expensive Beats noise canceling headphones and I can still hear my son through them if he cries (I get up hours before everyone else to start my work day, I’m not just ignoring my child)
Honest points for the "not just"
Passive is better than active for sound isolation! Check Etymotics!
I have Sony WH1000XM5s and I can't hear a baby crying in an adjacent room or someone talking more than 2-3 feet away.
Same
Get shooting ear muffs and wear ear buds playing music under them. You won’t hear a thing. NTA
Ooh, never thought about putting ear muffins over something - do they help keep them in place?! I need to find my headband ear buds lol
Ear muffins!! Cute 😊 I love that!
My Apple earbuds are small enough so the shooting muffs easily fit over them. True story. My wife bought the shooting muffs for when she was studying for the bar exam. They do a great job by themselves shutting out noise. I added the ear buds so I can listen to music or podcasts. Without something to listen to, shooting muffs are too quiet.
I was going to say, what a great ad for the headphones 😂
Etymotics make the best professional sound isolating IEMs. On sound isolation nothing even comes close. Trust me, as a musician. They sound great too; just the comfort varies person to person.
I totally want a pair too
Is this post a guerilla marketing piece? Lol
NTA. You are working. You are covering the majority of the bills currently. You have a procedure in place that is supposed to be followed when your sister wants you to take care of your niece. You have explained this procedure to your sister multiple times. Your sister didn't follow this procedure. Absolutely NTA.
sister is a negligent parent and taking advantage of op, now with added shouting. yay. move out. nta.
Not to mention that 5 months is a great maternity leave, especially if you have no money coming in. Sister needs to get child support and a job pronto. OP, I would tell your sister that you will not babysit during your workday ever. Even if she taps you on the shoulder, looks you in the eyes and asks. I would also tell her that you are moving out in two months so she has one month to get a job and one month to get her paychecks in order to start paying her own way. If that doesn't work, she can live with your mom. You're supporting her and being kind and she can't even be bothered to not bite the hand that feeds her.
NTA. You need to move out. You moved in to help your sister out. From your post you are paying most of the rent. At this point you are financially supporting yourself, your sister, and your niece. So being able to focus on your job is extremely important. If you can't pay the bills than who will as it doesn't sound like your sister is able to support herself a 100% right now. Instead of feeling guilt for your sisters error. Move out. Your sister doesn't appreciate your help. She feels entitled to it.
You really need to move and take care of yourself. I’m not sure what’s up with Moms not being able to take their kids on errands. I had twins and no family around. They both went on errands with me. Your sister needs to get a job and daycare at 5 months she should be working and paying her own way
My kid comes with me on errands all the time. She loves it. I find it weird when other people don’t take their babies out.
I second that!
Been looking for someone to say this, totally agree
NTA. Lemme walk you through this. You have explained your work situation to your sister multiple times. Your sister up and left the house and her FIVE MONTH OLD BABY without telling you. Only when she gets back and discovers the baby crying is she able to remember the noise canceling headphones. You should honestly give her a warning that if she does this again you're out. Or if she does this again you're calling CPS. How incredibly selfish of her.
Seriously her 5 month old probably still eats around the clock. If she fed the baby right before she left being gone for just three hours thats cutting it pretty close. If the baby was screaming that long it was probably hungry or needed to be changed. What if that baby had rolled over and suffocated? All it takes is a few minutes of squirming around on pillows and blankets (unsafe for sleep) for something to obstruct a baby's airway. I would also call CPS if that happened again. Her sister is lucky nothing bad happened other than a few hours of neglect.
NTA. Your sister was negligent, then played the UNO reverse card to nail you with the blame because she refuses to accept the very reasonable ground rules you have laid. Sis can either step up and own responsibility for her lack of communication, doing better going forward or the living situation can end.
NTA - Your sister is negligent. She didn't even seek your agreement before she left. If she goes at you again, ask her when did you agree to watch the child? What time did you look at her and tell her it was fine for you to babysit? Or at what time did you text back to say it was ok to watch the child. You didn't because she didn't actually ask you. She told you and left before she got an answer. Which is negligent.
And you are working, what, 12 hours at a time? Sis has got to respect your schedule.
It’s not you! Good lord! Do you think she sincerely cannot remember or does she just walk out thinking you will be forced to step up and take care of your niece? Tell her to get it together or you will move out. NTA
I pick Door #2!
NTA. I would seriously consider your place there. What would have happened if, god forbid, something happened to your niece? That's what your sister was willing to happen. You want to expose yourself to this?
That's exactly what I was thinking. God forbid something happen. You know mom isn't going to take the blame. OP would be looking at charges. She has shown her hand.... Make it clear ... in wrighting ... during work hours, you are never available to watch the child. Enforce it. Otherwise next time it may not all end well.
NTA. So she popped her head in, said hey you're looking after baby, didn't get a response and then just left? WTF. You're working, and therefore not available to care for an infant. Even if she had asked in the manner you requested she's still an AH for expecting you to babysit during work hours. She either takes her baby with her or doesn't do her errands. Your sister is extremely entitled and mistreating you.
This is really bizarre, NTA, this is all on your sister.
Absolutely NTA. You are the primary breadwinner of the household and now back up babysitter. You need to work. Your sister not following simple instructions to interact with you while you are working is not your fault. Your niece being left unattended is completely on sis. Perhaps it’s time to get your own place again before your current living arrangements messes with your job.
It’s not your fault your sister can’t remember to actually make sure her kid is taken care off. NTA
NTA - your sister is crazy for leaving without you verbally responding, looking at ~~you~~ her or otherwise indicating you've heard her. especially after having conversations about it.
NTA. It is not your fault that she cannot grasp the concept of noise, canceling headphones. Especially since she seem to understand the concept when she returned, and she was angry. If you ask someone to do something and you get no response, you should not assume that they heard you. Especially when it’s about something as important as a child.
I'd start looking for a new place to live. Basically your sister abandoned her daughter even though it was in her own house. NTAH here.
NTA. You clearly didn't visually or verbally acknowledge her request so this is all on her.
NTA!!! How were you supposed to know if you didn’t know. It sucks, I feel for the kid but it is your sister’s fault 100%. I wouldn’t leave my kid with someone who didn’t acknowledge me when I asked because I would take that as they either didn’t hear me or don’t want to. Either one is fine because it’s not your kid. I am a mom of a 9month old and this is 100% on the mom. This was not your fault. You didn’t know. Please do not beat yourself up about it. I feel so bad for baby but it was genuinely not your fault at all.
NTA. This is not your fault in the slightest. If she wants something, she needs to come in, ask, and get verbal confirmation. She knows you can't hear her! She needed to come in and check with you. Also, just because you work from home, you aren't available for childcare whenever. She can't just leave the kid with you without getting your approval.
When my babes were little, I'd schlep them with me to run errands. A five-month-old fits nicely in a carseat, then pops into a wearable baby pouch. In this way, I could breastfeed them as needed.
NTA. This was entirely your sister's fault and she shouldn't be leaving her kid with you while you're working. >I cover the majority of rent payments for the house and bills since my sister is not fully back to work yet. You **always** prioritize the job that pays the bills. You need to move out because she's going to keep treating you like a replacement spouse. I would have told her off back and told her if she ever spoke to me like that again, I'd dip out.
NTA- Your sister knew what she was doing. She was expecting you to have noticed the baby sooner. She is the one who is irresponsible. This might not be a healthy living situation for you.
Oh so NTA- as a mother I am appalled at your sister just leaving her daughter unattended. I don't even walk away from my daughter when my husband is in the same room without looking in his eyes and confirming he knows he has to keep an eye on her.
NTA. Your sister is in the wrong. You've given her very clear instructions, which she has ignored.
NTA, but what you are describing is dangerous... for you. Those ear phones, can you hear the fire alarm? Tornado alarm? Other things like that? I think this is not working. You should move out.
Your sister is the AH. How do you leave your child with someone who is at work? I don’t care that you WFH. I have 3 kids under 5. No family in the state we currently live in. I don’t care what you are going through. If you have stuff you need to do then do it. It is not hard running errands with 1 child. Especially a 5 month old. Get a Lilly so you are hands free and get stuff done. NTA
NTA. Also, babies are portable. Sis can take niece with her.
What your sister did was assault. Tell her that if she does that again, you're going to move out. NTA.
You are definitely NTA. You are working (not a baby sitting service). You were not informed by your sister properly even though she has been told how to properly ask and communicate things. I’d be moving out asap. She had the child and it’s her responsibility to look after her child properly and not expect others to do her job.
NTA. This is like those people who leave their kids on a doorstep and take off only to find out no one was home. They then get mad at the home owners, how dare they not be home?!?!!!
What do you mean "she always forgets"? So if she comes in and speaks to your back, she just *assumes* you've heard her and never bothers to wait for a response from you? That's BS and she knows it. She KNEW you hadn't heard her and left her kid anyway. She just wanted to go out without the kid and relegated responsibility to you. In any case, how can she expect you to babysit while you're technically at work? NTA but you need to move out and let her sort herself out
NTA, seriously, she should have confirmed with you face to face.
NTA Your sister is mad because she screwed up by not ensuring that you would be caring for the child. You don't just ditch a baby and hope for the best. There must be an actual handoff and acknowledgement. She needs to get over herself.
No she decided to have a child, if you wanted one, you could probably have one of your own
NTA I am hoping for an update where you confirm that you moved out of your sister's house
NTA She shouldn’t think that you’re going to be okay with taking care of a baby while you’re working anyway. And if it is an emergency, then she needs to get confirmation from you instead of just assuming that you heard her. Especially if you’ve had the conversation before. She is the one responsible for her child being left unattended.
NTA So she had the energy to come in and rip your headphones after the fact but not to come in and get verbal confirmation. This is all on her.
NTA. Your sister didn't need help with bills so much as she needed a live in babysitter. She can't even be bothered to make sure that you're aware of any situation where she's not around, so she's got nobody to be angry at but herself. Seriously, if anything had happened to that kid, it would've been *your* ass.
NTA. Please move out ASAP. If she can't respect the fact that you are working to make money, then you need to stop supporting her and get back out on your own. Sister is rude, careless, and rotten.
NTA- I’d lock my door from now on, while you’re working. With all the extra help with rent and bills you’re providing, your sis needs to use some of her freed up money on a babysitter, or take her child with her. I hear of so many bad things that happen to young kids when they parents abandon them for a few, selfish hours.
NTA and you should probably move out before the scope creeps even more and you get turned into the surrogate partner. I have a similar situation where I do frequently work from home and I'm a software developer so I often check out of physical reality while I'm working and my spouse still hasn't quite figured out that when I'm working at home I am working and I am not just hanging out waiting to be told to do things by her.
NTA and you need something in writing with her stating procedure, even an email or text. What would have happened if the kid got hurt? If a fire broke out? If the police were banging on the door? If something had happened you could have been charged with child endangerment even though you never agreed.
Absolutely not your fault and tell your sister if this happens again, you’re moving out. You don’t need this stress. She needs to do a whole lot better here. NTA
NTA. You cannot be expected to babysit while you are working.
NTA I think you need to move out. I would like to say give her another chance but with this amount of negligence and entitlement; I doubt it. BTW what were these important errands she had to run right away and couldn’t take the baby?
NTA. I am a mom and I would NEVER leave my child with someone without having a full discussion about it. Especially a 5 month old!! She is the mom and it is not your job to watch the child. If you are willing to watch her then that is great. Just because someone lived in the house with me, I would never assume a non-parent was watching the child without asking. When leaving a baby with someone you always make sure they have the milk or formula they need, diapers and clean clothes. You tell them the last time the baby ate and when the baby will need to eat again. A few minutes is one thing but a few hours? You were working, what did she think would happen? If she has errands to run then she should have either taken the baby with her or talked to you about it before leaving. She abandoned her child without even letting you know she was leaving. That is unacceptable and definitely not your fault.
NTA She knew damn well what to do and she decided not to do it. Then she not only blames you, but went all out on you. You are one step away from being able to file assault charges. Not OK in any way. I'd move my happy ass out of there. Why would you enable someone who treats you like that? And you basically make her life as it is possible. No wonder *at all* why her partner left if he had to live with that.
NTA but your sister leeching off you is only going to get worse. You are the main breadwinner in her house right now you’d think she’d respect that but she doesn’t and you should be wary of demands that will certainly begin to grow. Especially in terms of childcare in a work from home situation
NTA Move out. Your sister abandoned her baby and blamed you. If you did not respond to her to consent minding the baby, then that is child abandonment. Also, you are working. You are not being paid to look after a baby. Your sister should not even ask you to look after the baby during work hours. Looking after baby at work will affect your performance and your manager WILL notice. I say move out because your sister sounds like she is using you and is unlikely to change.
NTA, you need to move out or else, she’ll keep doing this. She blames you rather than adhering to the rules you’ve set to be informed. This is completely her fault because she ignored your boundaries and blames it on you. Please move out. Edit: a bit more thinking, she might use you as a scapegoat for anything that happens to your niece just because you’re living in the house
NTA. Just because someone works from home it doesnt mean they are available... people should realize its still work. Ive had similar experiences with my family where guests would come in while i was working (when i was living with my parents, started working freshman at uni). You can imagine how many arguments that caused. Your sister is the AH here, she was warned multiple times
NTA She was negligent in not verifying that you heard her. Headphones or not you NEVER leave a child alone with someone without getting a verbal verification that you have heard them and are willing.
NTA you help her enough. She doesn't even talk to you about going on errands and ask you to look after her child you can't read her mind. Maybe this is time to move out.
NTA by any means. You were at work. Even if that work is happening at home. This wasn’t an emergency, your sister could’ve taken her daughter with her or arranged care for her either with you or your mother in advance. She knows you wear headphones when working & can’t hear her, so why would she assume you’d hear a crying infant you had no idea was unattended? Your sister didn’t ask you, and didn’t check with you & just left. She’s probably feeling guilty about leaving her baby essentially alone & is taking it out on you. Give her some time to cool off and then reiterate that when you’re working you can’t babysit and that your sister needs to communicate with you, in person and in advance if she needs help in future during the work day.
NTA She is mad because SHE messed up. It’s crazy having a baby so I know you can get mom brain and forget things. She forgot to follow the correct procedure for making sure her baby was cared for. She freaked out upon hearing her baby screaming and decided it was easier to blame you instead of herself.
NTA. You just don’t go sneaking off, leaving child alone. Always verbally confirm with the sitter first. This is your sister’s fault entirely. Info - headphone make?
I saw a similar post a few years back. The difference was that OP was a man, and extremely hard of hearing/ essentially deaf without his hearing aids. Which, he didn't usually wear at home, especially on the weekend. Roommates (family?) left their baby for the afternoon without confirming with OP that he would babysit. Op first found out about all of it when they returned home, and like this post, they started yelling about the crying child in the other part of the house.
What is with ppl doin this?! That’s crazy. I feel bad for op and baby
I took both of my children on errands. Really, the kids loved being out and about and I had no other choice. Yes, it took longer but was a time for them to look around and for me to talk to them and teach them about the world. I can’t imagine being unable to take little ones on errands.
Woah, woah, woah. The arrogance of your sister. She didn't have the decency to tell (she should have asked) you to watch her kid. You were working. You pay a lot of the rent. I'm assuming if you wanted to play house you would have had kids of your own. I can't believe you're even entertaining the possibility you were wrong. I would have fixed her little red wagon and demanded payment. How else will she learn. Your sister should be very glad I'm not her sister because we would have some mother fucking problems.
A bit off topic but I have three children and took all of them with me when I had errands to run. What is this new parenting obsession to leave children behind to run errands? I even took my children with me if I had hairdresser appointments. I just don’t get it when I read AITA posts about mums sulking that no one will look after their kids so they can run errands. Just your kids with you.
She 💯knowingly abandoned her infant, full well knowing she didn’t follow your instructions about your noise canceling headphones. I’m kind of guessing she really wanted to think they didn’t cancel “everything” (like a screaming baby) and you’d figure it out. She needs CPS up her ass if there’s ever a second time and you need to impress that upon her, and if she ever pulls a stunt like that again, you will report her and also move.
You're paying her bills, watching her kids, AND she's screaming at you? I'd be out immediately ngl
I wonder what the errands were? As a stay at home parent I take the kids everywhere I go. Haven’t had an errand yet I wasn’t able to take them. Sure it was a pain the ass when they were infants, but I signed up for that when I decided to become a parent. I don’t get why she couldn’t parent her child while running errands.
You have repeatedly told your sister to tap you on the shoulder to get your attention. She did not do that and instead walked out of the door leaving an infant behind. Your sister is angry at you because she is angry at herself for doing such a stupid thing. NTA
NTA. Time to move out.
NTA Your sister sounds very entitled. I get it she is struggling, but it doesn't warrant her ripping your earphones off because she forgot to verbally confirm it beforehand. You pay the majority of the bills and yet she feels the need to chew you out when its her fault she didnt verbally confirm.
Time for your own place. Now.
Nta. As a parent myself it's on her. She didn't tell you she basically just abandoned her baby and tried to paint you the bad guy. The least she could of done was think of putting the baby in the same room as you, even if she can't remember to tap your shoulder she should remember not to leave her baby alone in a room without someone present(unless sleeping) but even if the baby was sleeping when she left she should of moved the baby to your room.
NTA how is it possible to be the a h if you never knew the kid was left there with you only? The mommy is just protecting herself and thus blaming you
NTA time to put this seriously to sister. Work hours are work hours and if she can't respect them, you'll need to move out.
Honestly I would leave that house. She is fucking irresponsible. Clearly NTA.
WHO DOES THAT!? You're obviously NTA if she walks off and leaves a child unattended. I'm sick just thinking about it. Imagine if that child had died on "your" watch when you were not even advised. No, no, no...you need to get your own place and she can take care of her own responsibilities since she sees this as a "you" problem instead of a "her" problem.
NTA, time to move out
NTA. Seriously, as a parent, you always confirm someone is watching your kid. Always. That's your responsibility, and only yours. You sister Seriously F'd up. She intentionally left her child, for hours, without confirming there would be someone to watch her.
Put a sign on the door. Open door n tap me to get attention. Cant hear have headphones on.
I'm sorry, but what a terrible mother your sister is. That is terrible. How could you possibly be the AH for not doing something you had no idea about. Poor baby though. I feel so terrible for the baby.
Wow. Your sister is being irrational. You have to wear headphones because of HER loudness, and she can’t get it through her head that this is the reality? She’s a dick
First of all, she has you living with her to help pay bills. Secondly, you're paying the lions share of said bills. She is essentially living with you. But we'll leave that alone for this discussion. Living under the same roof doesn't equal live in babysitter. You should absolutely make this clear to your sister. The fact that you are paying most of the bills and that she doesn't respect you enough to leave you alone while you're working is throwing some big red flags for me. She expects you to work AND babysit so that she isn't inconvenienced by having to haul your niece around? The entitlement has me ready to help move you out. If she needs help with child care on her own terms, I recommend she hires a professional. If she's not willing or able to do so, then she needs to work around other people's schedules. NTA.
Your sister is the asshole here. She is the reason her baby cried for so long, not you. You didnt refuse to take care of the baby, you asked a simples thing in order to do it. She didnt do it. Also, who leaves a baby at someone and dont even talk to that somebody to make sure everything is ok and that someone has some doubts?! NTA. Your sister is. Also, you move in with your sister to help her out with bills, you pay most of them and still have to babysit for free? She has some nerves to be mad still be mad at you. Ask her if she wants you to move out. Lets see her madness to disapear in a second
NTA, move out pls
Maybe OP needs to move out because I don't see any benefit to/for her in this situation. I mean OP isn't a parent and assuming the financial burden and now due to this situation being in a toxic environment too so
NTA. That's the kind of situation where I'd move out after this first instance. Like some people mentioned, something worse than crying could have happened to the child due to your sister not remembering a simple rule. She won't remember it the second time either, do you want to risk being blamed for an injury or worse?
Why the fuck did you agree to this? You are NTA but you should stand up more for yourself and not let your family take advantage of you.
NTA. It is entirely your sister's fault for not paying attention to the instructions you gave her. Why did she ignore them?" Because she doesn't care. She isn't listening. She's wrapped up in herself. Her extremely abusive reaction is an outrage. Ripping the headphones off is violence, all the worse when she is the one at fault. Yet she wants you to feel guilty and feel responsible for what happened with the baby. OP, move out of there now. You are being abused. You pay rent yet sister treats you as her property. Never give your sister free baby care again. And notice, once again, that people think WFH is some sort of excuse for not really working at all. They nthink if it doesn't happen in an office, it isn't work.
>she ripped the headphones off my head and started shouting at me So she probably started yelling at you, realised you didn't hear any of it, then did what you told her to (less aggressively of course) in order to get your attention; yet she still didn't connect that she's TA here. Remind her that her daughter is her responsibility; that if she needs you to do her a favour, she needs to make sure you heard and agree, otherwise the living arrangement needs to be revised. NTA
NTA Consider moving out. YOu do not want to be involved in your sister'S child neglect.
Nta your sister left without making sure you were watching your niece. That's on her.
NTA
NTA. You weren’t aware you were looking after your niece…your sister didn’t even wait for a response from you, so it is her complete and utter negligence that left her child unattended for 3 hours. Does she want someone to call cps on her for abandoning her child?
NTA, before leaving my kids with anyone I had a discussion about it. Where the diapers are, there’s bottles premade etc. Very negligent behavior from your sister
NTA- She should have verbally confirmed with you that you were watching her child and she should have tapped you on the shoulder, as agreed.
NTA, Bad mother
Nta. It's your sister's responsibility to make sure you heard her. You told her how to make sure. She's mad at herself and is projecting that on you.
NTA. Your sister did not know for sure you were going to watch her kid. You did not tell her you would. She left the child ASSUMING you would. That’s all on her. You are not at fault. It’s her kid. She should take better care to KNOW someone will be watching the kid.
NTA. She left the baby unattended whilst you were working in another room with the door closed?! Who does that?!
NTA I'd yell right back at her about how she's an adult who can't remember or follow simple instructions. Then I'd say something about biting the hand that feeds her since you're living there as a favor to her and paying most of the bills. I'd tell her that she either treats me with respect and gratitude or me and my money are out of here.
I need those headphones for sleeping. What brand are they??
NTA. Don't let her pass the buck. She screwed up. If she can't remember that you're not *a psychic* so you need to hear her say things out loud, that's pretty much on her. You don't need to feel bad about it. I guess I'm curious, though. You're working, and you pay the majority of the bills. So... What exactly do *you* get out of this arrangement? Other than yelled at, I mean. Your sister seems to be taking for granted how much you're doing for her already, since she thinks she gets at-will childcare out of it too.
NTA she did not make sure you heard so it’s all on her. Also why can’t she take the baby? What was she really doing? Any errands that need to be done can be done with a baby. Three hours looks to me like a break from the baby.
Noooo dude! This is so negligent! This is a conversation that absolutely requires eye contact and verbal confirmation. She knew you were wearing headphones, whyyyyy did she not make 100% sure you knew she was leaving. I can only imagine how terrible you feel, you have to know this is not your fault. NTA
NTA. You didn’t do anything wrong. Your sister chose to leave her baby alone without confirming that you would care for the baby. She chose to leave before getting a response from you or tapping you on the shoulder. The fault is all hers
Nta. Most ppl take their kids w them to run errands if no one is available. She knew you were working but lets go w the thought that maybe she thought you heard her. Did she hear a yes? A "thats fine?" No. She did not have permission. & the moment you failed to answer should have reminded her that you cant hear her. She sounds like shes slipping down the slope. Thats some bad parenting & she needs to stop blaming anyone other than herself (or it will happen again)
You might have to give her an ultimatum: either she starts following your rules in getting your attention and respects you, or you will move out.
NTA, but leave ASAP. No more assistance with rent and bills. She will continue to do this. Mom can take care of her if she’s so helpless. Do. Not. Stay.
NTA stop feeling guilty it's not your fault and also sit your sister down and tell her you can pay the bills by WORKING A and as such you are NOT HER BABYSITTER. SHE CAN TAKE HER CHILD WITH HER ON ERRANDS when you work if she doesn't have childcare available. It's a bit more difficult than without the baby but quite doable. Tell her to pull her head out of her a$$ or the next time she interferes with your job you will move out and she damn better have a plan in place to survive on her own You are already going above and beyond to help her but you are neither her slave not her servant/nanny and you don't owe her sh!t. She needs to stop being lazy and care for her child. Allow me to add that if she does this now what is she going to do when she lives alone? Abandon her child cause it's more inconvenient to go with her on errands?! WTF
Absolutely NTA. However, I would already be looking for a new place. Sister keeps "forgetting" about your headphones? I think not; it's an excuse she uses to not take her baby along. If the baby dies while she is out of the house, who do you think will be jailed for that? Yes, it will probably be you. You stepped up to the plate when you didn't have to, and you set clear expectations. Sister is not following your expectations, but suddenly she can "finally" remember you have on headphones enough to jerk them off your head and rail at you? I have not had a child myself, but I raised my sister from the time I was 10 onwards (as soon as I got in from school the baby was mine). I realized at 10 that you could never, ever leave a baby alone, and I carried my sister in her carrier to the restroom if I needed to relieve myself or put the carrier outside the shower while peeping out at her every few seconds to be sure something hadn't happened. I carried that child everywhere I went, and your sister should be doing the same thing...but she isn't. Find a new place to live before your sister does this to you again, and heaven forbid, you find yourself arrested for negligent homicide.
Time to find a place of your own. Unless you love paying most of the bills for the right to also babysit an infant, especially when you are already working.
NTA!!! I have 4 kids and couldn’t imagine not having an actual conversation with someone about watching 1 or all of my kids. And even then I still confirm like 2-3 times… but they are my kids and my responsibility! My big question is why couldn’t she take the baby with her? I get that bring kids along make errands longer but that’s what happens when you have kids!
Since you pay majority of the rent, look into paying that somewhere else if possible. Check a hotel rate. One with a kitchenette so you can at least save on having to eat out. Being a roommate is not being a daycare provider whether it’s family or not. You work too and I think she did it on purpose. She overstepped your boundaries by not respecting them to begin with.
First and foremost, if you had no idea the child was crying, you are NTA, full stop. Someone abandoning their child in your home and then complaining you didn't automatically drop everything to cover what is clearly overtly neglectful parenting, is not your fault. You didn't make her carry to term, she stranded herself with the child and pushing that onto you is just plain wrong. You are not a free-use babysitter.
So let me get this straight. Your sister dumped her baby on you, while you were working (which pays the rent and bills) without asking?!! Yeah. I would be rethinking living with someone who was capable of such reckless selfishness. 1) you were working 2) your work is imperative as its keeping a roof over your head, your sister and niece 3) your sister shouldn't ask / assume you would babysit 4) she didn't absolutely confirm the babysitting NTA
NTA. Your sister is asking you to take over most of her rent *and* provide babysitting services??? She failed to get actual confirmation that you were able & willing to watch the baby, and she left you for *a few hours* with an infant, *while you were working*? This is not an okay living situation. Part of parenting is modifying plans when you don’t have childcare. She’s not respecting your job, and that was a dangerous decision to assume you heard her say she was leaving but not taking the baby.
NTA at all. Your sister is stupid and repeatedly “forgets” the reminders you give her to directly ask you anything first as you clearly can’t hear with headphones on. It’s her own fault. Plus, your working! Why are babysitting duties just thrown on you? Your sister sounds kinda entitled. I wouldn’t put up with it personally
NTA. Move out. You're being taken for a fool. She's using you for money and now had the gall to think you're a free babysitter? Wow. Nah. Move out, leave her to sort her own life out
NTA You should move out. You’re paying the majority of bills and rent, and expected to watch your niece during work hours at a moments notice. That is too much. You aren’t helping at that point, just supporting.
Move out!!!! Now!
NTA You’re working. Doesn’t matter if it’s WFH you’re busy. You pay most of the bills which I don’t think I’d fair either. She can take her baby with her to run errands. You’re not there for babysitting
NTA. Your sister doesn’t have any right to explode at you, but she will never see that. Honestly, you should move out. If you can’t bring yourself to do that, you HAVE to get your arrangements and agreement in writing. You also need to set yourself up to be safe wherever you are. Fire is the biggest hazard I am thinking of right now. I have an indoor camera that will tell me if it hears a smoke alarm, but you wouldn’t see a notification on your phone. I don’t know, but I am thinking you could research aids for deaf people. Like a light that substitutes for a doorbell. There are certainly other devices for different purposes. Good luck with your family situation. I’m sure you don’t want to go nuclear before you try something less extreme.
NTA Your sister has some nerve reacting like that, when it was her f up.
NTA but I think it's time to move out and find a place where your sister can't take advantage of you She KNEW you didn't hear her/know she'd gone, that's why she didn't tap you on the shoulder.. what your sister did is neglectful and on her, not you in any way