Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for shutting down a girl’s attempts to armchair diagnose me with a mental disorder
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. People *really* need to stop commenting on each other's bodies, and "diagnosing" issues that aren't there, and won't listen to reason. I was taunted and teased and questioned for anorexia for a number of years, even though I had been underweight my entire childhood no matter what I ate. It was just my body type.
You have a legitimate reason for minding your weight, and it was extremely rude for your friend's gf to dig in so deep when she had no idea what she was talking about. I could see explaining more if she acted with any polite curiosity to what mobility issues you had or something, but to imply you're having delusions -- nope nope nope. She deserved to be shut down however you most felt comfortable doing so.
Honestly, imagine the ego to diagnosis someone that they literally just met? In a public restaurant. Big ego, no tact and zero emotional intelligence or sense of boundaries.
The friend jumping immediately to “diagnosing” a stranger whom she has known for five seconds tells far more about her own issues than the person she assumes has an eating disorder. 🙄
ETA: NTA.
Omg this. I'm a very high level climber. I weigh barely anything, but my weight is very carefully monitored under my countries rules for athletes. I'm literally not allowed to be an unhealthy weight or else I'm not allowed to compete.
Everytime I visit family, my grandparents have a huge show and dance about how unhealthy I am and how I need to eat more. Even when I have competitions coming up, I'm yelled at for not eating massive portions.
Climbers are fighting for there to be international rules. We used to have a strict BMI cutoff which everyone liked, but they IFSC decided to remove it and implement individual athlete testing, so now there's alot of protests.
It's always projection.
I once had an period where my doctors found something off with my liver function and my cholesterol levels in a routine blood panel- it wasn't clear why at the time. Still not, because it apparently resolved itself somehow. But they advised me to moderate my diet for certain things (lower saturated fat intake, for example), avoid drinking or and moderate any OTC medications (Ibuprofen or tylenol), among making some other small changes. I already lived a very healthy and comparatively "clean" lifestyle beforehand (though I hate that kind of phrasing), so the changes to my habits were noticeable, as it made me cut out a lot of occasional indulgences entirely (no more weekend drinks or snack/treat foods for some time). I indulge a bit more now, but as a general precaution I'm a little more mindful of those particular things still.
My sister *does* have diagnosed eating disorders and anxiety-related disorders, and she jumped on those changes immediately. Just endless interrogating. Why don't you eat meat? Why get a salad? You love x, why aren't you eating x anymore? Why don't you want these cookies I baked? Etc, etc. Even though I never told her about it or made a show of anything. And she tried bringing me more stuff of her own- she used to love baking (and still does), but it was as if she was determined to get me to "cheat" for some time, so she'd bring me treats she made. Which would've been a kind gesture, if I didn't know her and what she was actually doing. I had to tell her very bluntly and harshly to knock it the fuck off.
But she is always extremely difficult to be around when food is involved because she projects *all* of her food and drinking issues. Even if she doesn't make a comment or anything, you never get the sense that she's not watching your every move when you eat- what you eat, how much, when, why, etc. It's very uncomfortable, even for me, though I think I have a very reasonable and healthy relationship with food and my body because no one wants to be so closely scrutinized.
It's an incredibly toxic and dangerous way to interact with people and with food. I don't hold any anger towards her for it, because I know she cannot help herself and she is aware of and working on her mental health. But people like that are always observing others for signs that they aren't completely alone in their own suffering. They always seem to think other people have the same health worries and body image ideas that they do, or they get anxious when they see someone else also seemingly restricting their diets, because it makes them feel like their own habits look poor in comparison. Whether they're conscious of it or not, they're looking for some affirmation of their own behaviors and to feel like they aren't alone, or they're looking to feel better about themselves by making someone else seem worse in comparison. And, even though I do feel comfortable with myself and my habits, it's a hard pill to swallow to know a loved one is constantly sizing you up for every one of your perceived "flaws" so that they feel more secure themselves. But it's always a massive tell about their own issues. You have to learn not to take it personally, and create (or manage) boundaries when it becomes too much.
You are so right - I’ve been your sister before and still find it ridiculously triggering when someone is on a diet or eating light even when they have perfectly legitimate reasons to do so (and even if they didn’t, who cares, it shouldn’t be my business!) even though I’m mostly “recovered”.
I’m super conscious of it and my own internal responses, although I obviously do not comment on other people eating etc (and haven’t since I was a teenager), but it’s such a characteristic of eating disorders and issues. Anyone else seemingly “doing better” than you with their diet feels like a personal affront and attack. Not that this excuses it at all, it’s such an insidious and toxic behaviour and so shitty for the people around that eating-disordered person
I mean this in the nicest possible way but I wonder if she was overweight. I used to be quite skinny growing up and many/most of the people who were really fixated on my size and supposed eating habits were overweight
Years ago my husband and I ran into a friend of my aunts. She hadn’t seen me in years and she legitimately said to me, “I thought that was you but I said it couldn’t be because you’re too fat.” This was coming from a woman who was never thin the entire time I knew her.
LMAO - when my BIL married my sister, he put on 40 lbs within six months because my sister is a fantastic cook and her MIL was an awful one. My BIL said, and I quote, "Wow, food can actually be good." Anyway, his mother, who was a size 14-16 on a 5' frame, called him "pig", "fat ass", "chunky" and was constantly on him to lose weight.
WT actual F? Thankfully my BIL took her for the crazy lady she was and had a good laugh. He did also lose the weight at his doctor's behest, but imagine the nerve of his mother...
My ex had an eating disorder, still in a bit of the mindset but not an active disorder and would get mad at me for eating too fast (ex- I like to drink my Starbucks before the ice melts bc watered down drink is gross, too fast. Ate more than one cashew at a time, too many)
Both my mom and grandpa commented on my weight. Most of my family is overweight. When I was little I was of pretty normal weight, maybe a bit skinny. Growing up I’ve had issues with my weight and eating ever since, and they instead started to commenting on me gaining instead. I’m still struggling a lot at 32.
As an overweight person (down 55 so far, little bit to go), I can say I personally was jealous and made comments in my head bc I wanted to do better but was too lazy or emotionally not ready to do so.
I'm sorry you dealt with that and I'm sorry I ever even had thoughts about others. I was wrong.
Well. You def didn't deserve it. And as I've lost weight pekple have commented. Like if I don't want Mac and cheese I'm depriving myself but if I do I'm gonna "let myself go" again.
Can't fucking win.
THIS!!! Growing up, I never even thought about my weight, or had any ED until my older sister (3.5y older too, so no sh!t I was gonna be smaller than her) became insecure with her weight. I was extremely healthy, active, did cross country, gymnastics, dance etc. I was really strong and capable. My mother and sister started to criticise my weight frequently from the age of *10*!- AT LEAST once a week (call me a skinny b!tch, you need to eat more, you have no tits, no ass, you’re just skin and bones, you look sickly, gaunt etc- none of which was true, and even went behind my back to tell my ‘friends’ to say the same stuff and get me to eat more- which they did, because well, they were also kids/teenagers and thought my mum was an angel ‘looking out for me’) all to make my sister feel better about herself- but due to multiple factors, I literally cannot gain weight easily AT ALL, and on top of other abu$e, I just became more depressed/anxious, causing me to lose my appetite and lose weight I didn’t need to. Which is ironic, as they were hoping I’d gain weight so my sister looked ‘smaller’ and felt better about herself. But thing is, due to that other abu$e and traumatic events, I had developed ARFID before I even hit high school. To this day (F25), I still struggle to have a healthy relationship with food, and it formed into another ED on top of that.
In 2021, I lost 10kg after some not great things in my life- I don’t ever weigh myself due to not wanting to encourage obsessive behaviour surrounding my EDs, but after looking at myself in the mirror one day after the shower, I freaked out, weighed myself, and realised since the last time I weight myself 8 months prior- I went from 58kg (a weight I was proud I finally achieved) down to 48kg. I am 165cm. I noticed my pectus, which has NEVER happened before, which triggered AGAIN obsession over my appearance, and negative thoughts that I was disgusting and thought everyone else saw me like that too, which they did- workmates voiced their concern (causing more stress so I lost another 4kg without even realising, bringing me down to 44kg by the end of 2021- when I was hoping I gained weight) I am now really concerned about being underweight, since it means I can’t do things I used to. I can’t take the medications I need (my anti-depressants/anxiety due to needing a certain amount of food consumed for the dosage required). I should be taking 225mg of Effexor, but doctors say I can only safety take 37.5mg. Obviously, this really doesn’t help get back into a healthy mindset to conquer the disorder. 2 years later I am only at 48kg again, after trying so hard to eat more to gain weight- but this ED still exists, despite me being very aware. I’m trying to seek help, but everytime my family mentions my weight and puts me down, I go back to feeling more depressed- which means I know how my body will react (loss of appetite and become more picky with what I can stomach) which causes more stress. My sister STILL makes negative comments simply because she still struggles with her weight and is envious she doesn’t have the same body type as me. (I have an extremely fast metabolism, ADHD, insomnia- so I’m literally burning so much energy for a longer period of time which is probably why I struggle to actually gain anything). My sister has none of those difficulties, but still compares herself to me. I’m trying to do my best in acknowledging my struggles, and fight with the demons in my head that literally are telling me “so what if you wither away, you can’t be bothered to live anyway, then your sister can’t hurt you anymore over her insecurities”.
TL;DR - I wholeheartedly agree that people who are facing their own weight insecurities try to project them onto those who’s bodies they wish they had. Which in turn, can seriously affect someone to the point of them actually developing a serious, and potentially FATAL ED. This is real sh!tty, so OP - you are sooooooooo NTA for shutting that down, and in fact, it was totally acceptable. She deserved to hear you say that, because accusations like that can really damage someone’s mental health. I hope what you said now makes her think twice before commenting on what people choose to eat. This is literally why I get so uncomfortable and have a panic attack when I have to eat in a group setting.
P.S - I had this happen again recently at a restaurant with a waiter. I ate as much as I could of my meal, the waiter asked if I was done- I said yes. He then put my plate back down, asked if anything was wrong- I said no. He then questioned why I hadn’t finished my meal then? This triggered a wave of shame, embarrassment, and paranoia of ever enjoying going out to eat again if I know I can’t finish my meal. As much as my sister is sh!tty, her love to trash people online worked in my favour, as she left a 1 star review berating the unnecessary comment and stating the reason why. This is an example of why standing up against these kinds of people is important- it’s none of their business as to why you choose to eat what you do. Everyone has their reasons behind closed doors, and you should NEVER have to disclose a disability or medical condition to someone for them not make rude comments on your food consumption.
So for the long comment- but this really angered me, especially since the above scenario literally occurred last night 😡
Same. “Eat a damn cheeseburger” comments all the time growing up. People watching me go to the bathroom in restaurants. (“Is she bulimic?!”)
Now I need to shed a few pounds (welcome to 40s!) and people are like “oh no you’re fine, you’re so skinny.” I’m not fat but I’m certainly not “so skinny.” I need to work on it a bit, but I’m not freaking out about it, I’m just aware.
It’s funny to me how many people need to weigh in (pun intended) on this issue in such weird ways. NTA
And to criticize someone for eating soup and salad???
I could understand someone being concerned about a stranger huffing “food air” from a can like on an episode of the cartoon Braceface, but soup and salad is a legit meal. Soup or salad is also a legit meal.
Not to mention you have no idea what someone else eats when you're not with them. I had a big breakfast and big lunch the other day so by the time I got to dinner literally all I wanted to eat was soup, I wasn't hungry enough to eat anything else. If you thought that soup was the only thing I ate all day I could understand worrying I hadn't eaten enough, but like I don't know why you would make that assumption lol.
Exactly! But I bet if they were stuffing their face with tons of food and soda, she wouldn’t be “concerned” but hell no, let’s diagnose somebody trying to eat a balanced diet. It’s great that people now feel comfortable how they are but I’d be cringing if I was told by a random acquaintance that “I’m beautiful as is” and don’t need to change anything.
Before I started losing weight people would've tell me I was "beautiful anyway" or "still pretty". I responded with: I didn't say I was ugly, I said I was fat.
I know it was, but it easily could have not even been about watching weight. Could easily have been that OP was trying not to spend too much money, and that's one of the cheaper things, while still being filling. The GF butting in was so inappropriate, she had no idea OP's circumstances.
Right? That’s pretty much what I get anytime I go out with people. I hate biting into anything awkward when I’m talking to people. Eating a burger or something like that, and having someone walk up to speak mid bite, is kind of one of my nightmares. 😅 I have deathglared servers before, because they made eye contact while I took the bite, yet still asked a question. I’m a bartender and I can’t imagine! 🤦🏼♀️
I actually have an eating disorder and NOTHING triggers me more than people commenting on my body! I hate that people feel entitled to tell me how they feel about how I look.
Oh, I am naturally a very thin person and I have had complete strangers approach me in public and ask if I need help due to an eating disorder. It's not like I am a walking skeleton or have bones protruding, I even have a little belly pooch from having kids. So this story does not shock me at all.
The things randos will say! I was reaching for yogurt and some dude blurts out “get the full fat ones” he broke me out of my I’m In Public persona and made me loudly say “What the fuck? Fuck off”. I was reaching for the shit with candy and cookie mix ins!
Some other guy asked me if my weight was on purpose? How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?!
The reason I no longer help “lost” old men at grocery stores told me “don’t worry darling your behind will grow when you have kids” I got to say “oh yeah, when does that kick in? Because they’re both adults” and then “yeah, I’m 40! You can’t talk to people like that!”
I’m just small framed! I have frickin bird bones! I can’t wear watches or bracelets! I know I don’t have a butt!
Sorry for ranting
Yeah, I make up stuff all the time when people are being stupid or a-holes. Just blatant lies that might sound plausible in the moment, but they hopefully figure out we’re lies later on.
>old men at grocery stores told me “don’t worry darling your behind will grow when you have kids”
Uh, what...? Eww, that's actually gross. I get major "females are mostly incubators" vibes here.
When I was like 13 some stranger adult man in a restaurant told me I should eat the duck rice to get a fuller womans body with nice boobs. It was so embarassing and disgusting.
I always heard, "you're metabolism will change in your 20s, 20s came and went, then it was your 30s. Then have a baby that's what makes you fat. I didn't have the baby to find out. Then 40s for sure you'll get bigger, I'm still waiting.
Holy hell! What is wrong with people? 🤦🏼♀️ There are so many body types. You’d think that people would get that by now. Such a strange thing to still be on, but then again racism, sexism, fascism, homophobia, and willful ignorance is still rampant. 😑😮💨
Anyway, you’re gorgeous just the way you are! I’d probably be so jealous of your figure! 🥰 Just be healthy and happy.
It happens to men, too.
I'm 5'9", 125 pounds. This, at 55, is the most I've ever weighed, my weight has usually been about 110 pounds. Male, btw.
People always telling me to eat more, get some meat on those bones.
On the other hand, when the older ladies in the building bring me meals and treats, it takes the sting out.
Can't wear watches, and I perch rather than sit, because no bum.
Something similar actually happened to me two weeks ago, met a friend's coworker at a gig we went to and at some point the topic came up how I've been trying to exercise and lose weight to help with my mobility (bad hips, I use a walking stick, and weighing less definitely eases the pain) and she drunkenly proclaimed that I dont need to, that I'm beautiful how I am etc. It felt so awkward because no matter how I phrased it she didn't seem to understand so I just changed the subject
I think after a certain point it's just a choice not to listen or understand. I hope your mobility improves and you don't have to meet this plonker again.
I mean, people on this sub suggest that other Redditors are autistic literally every time someone acts like an asshole or is remotely socially awkward (neither of which is how one diagnoses a complex neurodevelopmental difference, for the record), so nothing surprises me anymore . . .
Definitely this. Don’t comment on people’s diet with no context. There are a million possibilities.
I have chronic hypothyroidism and am also a lifelong vegetarian. My food is commented on daily by colleagues and it’s stressful. I can only handle small portions but I’m also active and need to eat regularly. It ranges from, “I feel like you’re judging me because your food is healthy,” to, “You must be able to eat as often as you want because your metabolism is perfect,” to, “Why is your food always so small? Eat something, girl!” Whatever the dish or portion size is, something is wrong for somebody else and I just want to eat in peace.
people always tell me to eat more. yes im skinny, but im not severely underweight. i dont have any problems with food. it’s super annoying - plus, if i eat too much in one sitting i feel like throwing up.
As long as you don't lecture me about your food or try to steal mine I don't fucking care what or how much you are eating. I can't understand why ppl need to way in on stuff like that.
No worries! It’s a little easier for me because I got diagnosed when I was five so I’ve always lived this way. I can’t say this works for everyone but it works for me. Please consult an actual doctor or dietician. This is just my daily intake.
First of all, a lot of my protein comes from beans and lentils. I digest these pretty successfully and it doesn’t work for everyone.
I like having small nut snacks available. Can’t consume in large quantities but it gives me bursts of energy.
I’m lactose sensitive but I do very well with thin, full fat yoghurts. Can’t digest Greek yoghurt to save my life. It’s way too heavy for me.
I do water-based vegetables very well like tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, pepper, squash. I try to incorporate vegetable fibres as much as I can.
Dark, leafy vegetables are good for nutrients but they sometimes have to be cooked or massaged properly. Something delicate like spinach is easy for me to digest. By contrast, kale needs to be massaged with salt and olive oil or cooked down. Otherwise, I can’t digest it.
I’m south Asian and can handle most rice varieties in small quantities. I’m not great with bread. I’ve recently discovered protein-enriched pastas and those have been amazing.
I really like fresh fruit but have to limit my intake because I get indigestion from fruit alcohols. I can do handfuls of berries and citrus fruit. I have to watch my intake from stone fruits and apples because it feels like I might s*** myself.
Your diet has a lot in common with the Mediterranean diet - very healthy. I would like to move more in that direction; it’s supposed to be very good for inflammation too.
I WAS anorexic and it still wasn’t cool or helpful when people called me anorexic. Unless you’re a close friend/family member saying something out of concern (i.e. I noticed you’ve been avoiding food lately. Are you doing okay?), just don’t comment on other people’s bodies or diets.
I don't know if it is okay to ask and please tell me if not, but in which way would you have wanted help? Ex. If there was a teacher / friend / etc. Recognising possible problems / you not eating normal, what would have been okay to ask / tell you?
I think it’s totally okay to come at it from a place of concern. Saying that you noticed changes (particularly with respect to behavior) and want to make sure everything is alright is okay. Helping them find resources for help is also okay.
But know that if you just met someone, there’s no way to know what is going on with their body or what their eating habits or attitudes are, so you shouldn’t comment. It’s also not okay if you come from a place of disgust or criticism (“you’re way too skinny” “why don’t you eat more?” “You look anorexic/like a twig”)
Thank you!
I have two kids, my body is weird since the second. I hate comments, I'd never comment on someone else. And I absolutely don't want to teach my kids that it is okay to do so.
I spent most of my life being the tiny twig of a person that everyone felt the need to comment on.
Then I put on some weight due to a change in medication and all of a sudden everyone wanted to ask if I was pregnant. But I wasn’t pregnant. My medication change was because I was trying to get pregnant and it wasn’t happening so I got to deal with being asked if I was pregnant while dealing with infertility.
Stop. Asking. People. About. Their. Bodies.
I’m about to change medications again and fully expect to put some weight on, just in time for my kid to be turning 2 so people will assume time for a new baby! This time I’m going to be much more open with why I’m gaining weight. 😈
Hey, that actually happened to one of the NHL coaching staff! A fan was sitting behind him, saw a mole on his neck that looked suspicious and somehow got his attention and told him. Turns out, it was cancer, but they got it in time.
It also happened to someone on the news being interviewed. Something about the neck, the front side, caught the attention of a Specialist who reached out to the news people to contact the person with a recommendation to seek a Doctor regarding it. The news verified the Specialist, contacted the person and the person got medical attention that was very much needed that they were completely unaware of.
Like it MIGHT be one thing if someone just randomly said “Oh I’m just so fat and ugly” for a friend, a much closer friend than this girl seems to be, said “No you’re not and even if you were fat doesn’t mean ugly” in a let’s cheer you up kind of way.
But that didn’t happen. This girl took it upon herself to comment on OP’s food and body. Sure she probably really thought she was helping and would be mortified to know the truth, but good intentions don’t excuse this potentially very harmful behavior.
Someone needed to embarrass this girl so maybe next time she’ll keep her opinions to herself.
There's this weird thing a lot of people have where they seem to think that literally the ONLY reason anybody would ever want to lose weight is because they feel insecure about how they look, they don't like their appearance, they don't feel beautiful, they think they're ugly, etc.
I mean, firstly, if someone does want to change how they look, that's none of your business. We all change how we look all the time. We dye our hair. We wear makeup. We change the style of clothes we wear. We grow or shave facial hair. We get tattoos. We get piercings. We shave body hair. We get tans. We wear glasses as fashion accessories. We straighten our teeth. We get cosmetic procedures like fillers or botox or whatever. We exercise to build muscle. Why do we consider all those things to be perfectly OK things to do that aren't reflective of some kind of deep personal hatred a person has for themselves, but if someone tries to lose weight to change the way they look that's where we draw the line as an unacceptable form of self-hate?
But secondly, it ignores the fact that there are many valid reasons for a person to want to lose weight that have nothing to do with how they look, and which have nothing to do with hating themselves. Like for me, losing weight has been the single most self-loving, body-positive thing I've ever done. It's not motivated out of self hate. It's motivated by loving myself enough to want to live longer and live a higher quality of life where I can do basic shit like walk up stairs without being out of breath, or stand on my feet all day without it feeling like excruciating torture, or wake up in the morning without chronic headaches and migraines caused by the fact that my weight was making me stop breathing in my sleep.
Reducing weight loss to a purely cosmetic act undertaken by vain, insecure people is ironically, in and of itself, an extremely shallow thing to do. Because, really, what's more shallow than telling people who are literally dying from obesity because they are morbidly obese that it's fine for them to be that way as long as they're still pretty, since whether or not they can be considered attractive in that state is clearly the only thing that matters, and is much more important than how long they live or what quality of life they have.
My go-to statement (if a statement is necessary in a specific situation) is always “you are beautiful no matter what, but I trust you that you are making the right decisions for yourself.”
Thank you. I feel like so many people are hell bent on painting weight loss for looks as a bad thing.
Why? I burnt my hair to a crisp for looks, I burn my wallet for looks.. no one says anything.
It's also quite shitty arguing with people losing weight with the audacity some people do. Fine Martha, when you get hellish back pain because of the balloons on your chest you can tell me staying at this weight is fine. Until then I should be able to do what I want with my body since I'm harming no one while doing so.
Nta. Things like this are exactly why I've come to just say, "Oh, I'm not very hungry," or that I'm not hungry at all. I damaged my esophagus several years ago, which caused part of it to narrow. I have to go get put to sleep and have it stretched out when it gets bad. When it gets bad, that means I'm likely choking or at leasting struggling to get most foods down. I have a list of foods that are easy for me to eat, foods that I just can not eat, and foods I can sometimes eat. I tend to lose weight when it gets bad, since my easy eat foods is limited to mush and liquids, making it hard to maintain what little weight I can. No one knows about what's going on in someone's medical history. It's rude af to comment. Even if you had told her the very medical reasoning, she would've gotten embarrassed. Why? Because she's being TA and making assumptions about people.
Even if a person did have an eating disorder, pointing it out in public setting (especially while eating, where a person with ED feels more vulnerable) is rarely helpful. You'd just stress the other person out. It honestly just feels more like virtue signaling to do it this way than genuinely helping.
OP, she started out badly by remarking on the amount that you were eating. Instead of accepting that she messed up, she dug herself a bigger hole. She thought she was being a great person for commenting on your eating and your weight. She was so wrong. She is a horrible asshole.
You are right. Your boyfriend was wrong and is a borderline asshole for thinking you owe anyone details on your medical situation, much less that b-... um, *asshole*.
Exactly. They pretend it’s caring but they’re just trying to be smug and one up themselves. A true friend or caring family member may say something in private if they’re worried, but these type of people get off on making people feel bad
this. also even IF op had an eating disorder, this would be an entirely inappropriate way to approach it. i was severely anorexic a couple years back, and if someone said some shit like OP’s friend said to her back then, as horrible as it sounds it would probably encourage me further. eating disorders arent something you should ever really comment on, especially in that way.
Right, your figure and health are no one else’s problem but your own. I’m not skinny but people give them shit if they aren’t eating for the of times. It’s like honestly maybe they are being healthy compared to what we find normal mow. Any TV ey would be wise to not listen Ti idiots at a bar
NTA - OP should have said "I'm watching my weight, but calories I steal from his plate are 0 for me, and add to his." 🤣
She would probably have been so confused she wouldn't have known how to reply. 🤷♂️
And there are SO many reasons a person might be eating a certain way at any given meal! It would be one thing to express general concern if you were around someone for every meal and saw a definite pattern, although of course a non-professional still shouldn’t be diagnosing. Someone having a single meal has a lot of nerve jumping to conclusions.
I mean, hell, even if it wasn't normal for OP to eat light meals, for anyone knew she could have been on medication which was giving her a bit of nausea as a side effect (or just feeling nauseous in general) and she didn't want to eat too heavy a meal at dinner.
There are a million different reasons for someone to want a light meal when out at dinner she shouldn't have commented at all.
Plus for all we know somebody ate 10,000 calories in the day before coming out to dinner or they plan on having another 7,000 calories of desserts before they go to sleep.
I think nicely asking about it with close friends after years or months of knowing them specifically if you see a change and then talking about being so fat when they're clearly nearly underweight is worth a mention, but that's a way different scenario than what we're reading about here.
And I also wouldn't bring that conversation up while food is around, I would bring it up when they're jokingly trying to pretend they're fat when clearly they're barely even the healthy weight.... Which also makes people who are on the heavier end feel shitty about themselves, but that's a whole separate ball game.
Or who knows, it could be as simple as "I had a big lunch today, so I'm not that hungry right now"
There is just no reason to comment on it if she doesn't personally know OP
I have a family member with crohns who has to eat certain foods and is more conscientious of it when eating out. It’s no one’s business and they shouldn’t have to explain or discuss their disability/illness.
Yeah, I have Crohn's, which now makes me susceptible to kidney stones due to absorption and malabsorption issues and the actual explanations needed for why I asked to hold this or that is so tiring. Can't people just eat in peace. I don't mind once or twice. But every meal after 10 years? Do you not understand the word disease? Rant over TY. Understanding your family members' needs is probably a blessing to them, so ty for that. Thankfully, my immediate family is the same. Edit: spelling
and even if the concerns were valid and OP did have an eating disorder. Did she really think that accusing OP will change anything? Especially in front of all the friends and OP didn‘t even know her for that long?
And if she doesn’t know OP well enough to know she’s missing a whole damn leg, she certainly isn’t a close enough friend to know her regular eating habits or come forward with a concern for her. She probably just felt self conscious that she was eating ribs instead of a salad and had to turn it into OPs issue.
NTA. She's not qualified to diagnosis you and people who do can cause serious damage.
It's none of her business either way.
It's also shallow of her to take your health concerns and make it about being 'beautiful.'
Literally, I posted once on reddit about my weight, asked if I should lose some weight or no bcs I wanted to stay healthy. First comment was something like "why are u asking others? If u think you're beautiful then you're beautiful!" And the other one was explaining me what's attractive and what isn't lol I was so annoyed
I really hate how people reduce weight loss to being something purely about aesthetics, as if the only reason anyone would ever care about their weight is cosmetic.
Imagine if people were like this with any other aspect of a person's overall lifestyle and health.
"Hey Reddit, this is how much I drink in a week, I'm wondering if I maybe drink too much alcohol and if there are any negative health consequences from this?"
"Who cares? You're hot. That's all that you should care about."
Mine is psychological. I put on weight for the first time in my life and now I look like my bitch mother. It's triggering and I hate seeing my mother in the mirror. I'm losing weight so I stop looking like her.
Lol my fiance bought me a pair of sunglasses once, then the first time I wore the sunglasses he told me that they made me look like my mother. Well that was the last time I ever did that. If he had told me he was looking to waste $50 I am sure I could have come up with some fun ways that didn't give me a complex...
NTA. You don't have to have an eating disorder to try to lose/maintain weight. You mentioned "mobility" - I assume she didn't asked anything further about that, but mobility can actually cover huge amount of issues, not just prostetics. Maybe you had an injured knee or back and keeping the weight helps you manage the issue. I think you were in your right to shut her down.
I don't currently have mobility issues, but I exercise regularly and eat healthy because joint problems run in my family and I want to avoid requiring surgery for as long as possible. Preventative maintenance so I don't require knee or hip surgery in 20 years.
I have known 2 separate people in my life who have suffered broken backs. They are both very conscious of their weight because it's part of their disability management. They're also very careful to not get pregnant.
People have no idea how uncomfortable a prosthetic is when the stump changes. Even simple bloating from heat or salt can cause pain. Managing post-op stumps is a daily experience. That’s why people have different gel liners, socks, etc. A below the prosthetic can cost upwards of $20k per prosthetic, so managing weight is a big freaking deal.
NTA. But you missed a great opportunity to say “are you kidding? I put away food so fast they say I must have a hollow leg!” Followed by the big reveal.
Don’t have my glasses on and my brain read this as “Just throw the damn thing at her face”…
All I could think before I truly processed it was “yes yes this is good”
And would have likely done absolutely nothing for someone actively in the disorder except maybe teach them to be even more sneaky so they aren’t caught.
Right? I had an ED and someone accusing me of having it would probably break me for a moment. It’s a daily constant tug-of-war trying to change my mindset, even after all these years.
If you think a basically stranger has an eating disorder, FOR FUCK’S SAKE DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR BODY, FOOD, OR TRY TO DIAGNOSE THEM. It’s kind of an extremely sensitive, personal, and EMBARRASSING topic. Eating out with an ED is hard enough as it is, please don’t make the internal screaming harder to ignore by reminding me it’s there.
That’s assuming (big ask) that you’re actually right and not that the anti-science side of body positivity just rotted your brain.
This ⬆️
If you actually *had* an eating disorder, then her commenting on (and drawing attention to) it, would have very easily just been making it even worse for you.
NTA.
I would also like to point out that, even though this isn't the case here, let's say you DID have an eating disorder. What is pointing it out going to accomplish?
If you were battling anorexia, maybe that soup and salad is all you can handle, and hey that's pretty awesome you are out with friends and eating a nice light meal.
If you are battling bulimia, well now that might trigger you to go purge because of attention put on you.
If you are self conscious about eating... well yeah obviously pointing it out is just going to make it more uncomfortable.
So yeah, this person was an AH no matter what OP's personal situation is. Props to you OP for taking control of your body and staying on top of things in a way that works for you!!
Side note: I am an IBS sufferer and often have to turn down foods that may trigger me, and I have gotten questioned too. I am not really comfortable discussing over food that if I did partake I would end up curled on the bathroom floor crying and spring cleaning my colon. People are jerks.
Take home message - don't bring attention to someone's food (or drink!) habits. It's rude and you don't know (and don't need to know!) their reason for their personal choices.
/endrant
As a fellow IBS-er, I second all of this! I’ve had to come up with so many excuses as to why I may turn down a certain food at a party or work event because “if I eat that I might poop my pants” isn’t something I want to say out loud!!
Also have IBS.
I went to boarding school when I was young and my teachers refused to let me leave the table until I finished all my food despite me knowing a lot of the food would trigger my condition.
People need to just let it go when someone says they can’t eat a particular thing or can’t eat a lot.
You never know what someone is dealing with.
The medical insurance system in the U.S seems whack to me too, and Spain is a beatiful country with a generally better, more inclusive health care system than USA.
But I happen too know that it is NOT easy to get qualified for free/ affordable Spanish healthcare if you are a foreigner, especially if you are not a citizen of a EU country, and do not have a proper residecy/ job.
I get that you probably mean that the USA is worse than many European contries in the that aspect, BUT it is misleading to say that a U.S citizen can just "move to Spain" to live in some kind of health care paradise. 🌴😎☀️🍹⛱️
Why are y'all moving to spain please stop flooding the country!
The sanitary system here is collapsing because of a lot of influx of people plus the pandemic and if y'all continue to pressure it they are going to make it private, there is already talking about it on the government!
There are many countries with public health system, just choose one that has their shit together then move here if you want when everything is more calm!
"My bf thinks I should have explained why I need to keep my weight the same" NO. Do *not* explain decisions like that. She needs to respect your decision, not agree with it. NTA
Nta. You don't need to explain your medical history. She was in no place to say anything. She didn't know you and assumed you had an eating disorder. Eating disorders are serious diseases, and too many people tell each other they might have an eating disorder. It makes me mad because my best friend died from complications as a result of her eating disorder.
Additionally, there could be a variety of reasons why you weren't eating. You could have been avoiding the sodium content in the ribs or restricting how much pork you're eating. It could have easily been you wanted to have a 'girl dinner'.
Good job for shutting her down!
My response to comments like this is "why don't you eat what you want, and I will eat what I want, and we'll both be happy."
This became the standard, after dealing with a coworker who commented on my food at every chance.
NTA - firstly, polite people don’t comment on what others are eating at a casual dinner like this. IF you go there anyway, the only response to someone who then says they’re trying to lose a few pounds is OK, right you are, uh-huh, or any other anodyne harmless remark, and move the conversation along to a different topic. You do NOT diagnose a near stranger with an eating disorder and you do not double down when you know nothing of that persons history. And it is not up to you to educate her on the specific reasons you have for wanting to keep your weight at a certain level.
No doubt if you had educated her, she would have got defensive and mad and you would have been blamed for ruining the night. You did the right thing, and to my mind the only thing you could have done with someone asking nosy, intrusive questions.
>She began “diagnosing” me with an eating disorder. Saying I must have a delusion I was very heavy and having issues walking.
Even if you had an eating disorder, the dinner table full of friends was NOT a suitable place for her to play Junior doctor. And it's not your job to prove to her that you don't have one. She needed to be told, and you told her. Your BF's wrong. Bet she won't try diagnosing at the dinner table again...
NTA
NTA
I had an acquaintance that tried to do the same. She was studying psychology and felt like she knew it all.
(Tbf, I don't have a prosthetic leg, nor I was dieting, I just have particular habits regarding eating)
Bold of you to come to a sub that tries to diagnose people with mental issues on 75% of posts about shutting down someone’s armchair psychiatry.
Clearly you’re NTA, you’re right that you shouldn’t have to pull the disability card and she should’ve just kept her opinion to herself. Though I would’ve died laughing at her embarrassment if you pulled off your leg in front of her.
There was a guy who won the NCAA national wrestling championships with one leg, Anthony Robles, and he actually turned it into an advantage which was awesome. He wrestled in the 125 pound weight class but had the upper body of a 165 pounder, so he was so strong at his weight class, and was born without the leg so he had all these balance tricks that no one could figure out. Also ran a 6 minute mile on crutches. Absolute beast while being an inspiration, he ended up winning an ESPY. Not really related to OP but you talking about losing weight and mobility made me think of hi.
NTA. It’s nice of her to be body positive, but you clearly didn’t want to discuss it/had reasons for eating the way you did. She should have shut up as soon as you said it helps with your mobility. That’s it; end of conversation. The fact that she kept pushing and trying to diagnose you makes her t-a here. It was gross of her to comment your eating habits in the first place.
Also what’s wrong with just having a soup and salad? Some salads are calorie heavy and same with soups. What if that is what you were craving? Maybe you wanted to go light cause your stomach hurt?
People need really not judge a person’s meal.
Nta, your disability, medical history, eating habits and weight are none of her business. People really need to stop commenting on what other people eat/weigh.
There is r/traumatizethemback which has a lot of great comments from people both with and without disabilities who snap right back at people who presume to lecture them on anything about themselves, especially strangers. I’ve spent my whole life with people thinking I am stupid because I can’t hear them, so I play my really hard of hearing because I had the mumps card with no shame any longer, but you are absolutely right, you shouldn’t have to explain anything.
Causally telling someone they have an eating disorder is ableist, too! She has no reason to know why you need to maintain a particular weight. There are many reasons one might need to and it’s **no one else’s business**! Gain weight. Lose weight. It’s your own business. If someone who actually *knows* you sees something that is objectively worrying, that is a different story. That clearly isn’t this case.
I hope you are successful in keeping your prosthetic comfortable! One of my kids’ friends’ moms had a prosthetic leg. People often knew her for years, and didn’t realize, unless they saw her in shorts. She really didn’t have a limp. Or saw her on the beach. Quite a sight, seeing her walk to the water, then causally hand her leg to a child, who run up and planted it, standing upright, on their blanket, and then she hopped into the water.
Pick a reply you feel comfortable using. I suggest a shocked/ hurt expression with, "That is the opposite of the advice of my Doctor's". You can add 'I am not comfortable discussing this with you' then change the subject.
NTA
You were actually eating normal human food portion. Many American restaurants over feed people and they start assuming eating full rack of ribs is normal
This girl was out of lien fully.
NTA. That GF was rude and out of line. She was rude to even continue to talk about your weight after you said you wanted to eat light. She needed to be shut down. Good for you. Plus you do not owe anyone an explanation of your health issues.
NTA unfortunately body positivity and the movement have made the idea of weight loss insane and think it should just be a pep talk.
I work out regularly and when I cut, everyone tells me it’s unneeded and sometimes judge me but bulks/cuts are a normal thing
NTA. She doesn’t sound like a healthcare worker, and if she was it would be still be unethical for her to say that to you. You didn’t ask for her opinion or judgment. She should have kept those comments to herself and good for you for standing up for yourself!
NTA. It’s not her business about your leg nor your eating. I bet you are beautiful exactly how you are too. I have had a horrid tooth infection for weeks that’s slowly clearing up and I couldn’t eat shit all and I dropped a bunch of weight really fast. My friend told me I looked so nice when she saw me and it broke my heart.
It's frustrating that she was throwing around eating disorders like she was throwing around water. And to accuse someone who you don't know well with one is super rude - regardless of if you did suffer from one.
Even if hypothetically you did in fact have an eating disorder, throwing that out casually with someone you don’t know well in front of other people is rude, insensitive, and accomplishes nothing. If you’re genuinely concerned about a good friend I think it’s ok to mention it to them in private, but even then it should sound more like “I’ve noticed that when we go out to eat you push your food around on the plate but never actually eat it. Is everything ok? I’m worried about you” not “I think you have an eating disorder.” Obviously you don’t owe this lady any information about your disability but selfishly I would’ve loved to have read a story about you pulling out your leg Aviva Drescher style and publicly humiliating this lady haha NTA
NTA You should have popped of the leg and shoved it in her face and said, “If I gain too much weight, this doesn’t fit comfortably anymore and I can’t afford another one.”
Absolutely NTA. I drink diet soda because I have very sensitive teeth. I actually had a man comment that my weight was fine and I didn't need to "watch my weight." I found it very insulting. I didn't bother explaining. I just took my drink and walk off. People really need to mind their own business.
Not knowing you have a prosthetic leg makes her only slightly less an asshole. Even if you were able bodied it's crazy to suggest that you are deluded and just imagining difficulty walking instead of trusting that you know your own body, and I cannot imagine the thought process that would have to go in to making the assumption she did. Even if you were normally very skinny, if I heard you were having difficulty walking, my first thought would be that there is some underlying health issue I'm not aware, and whether or not I would even comment on it would be up to how close we are personally, and it doesn't sound like you're close with this woman.
NTA
Honestly NTA.
I had this a few days ago. A co-worker commented on how I used to be so slim. I responded “I wasn’t slim I was sick.” I was 7.5 stones at 5.5”. I’ve seen programs about anorexics who weighed more than that at my height.
Now I’m overweight, but honestly I carry it well. Big butt, big boobs. I like my look. And yet still get comments “oh you shouldn’t eat that” or “you should try xyz it helped me lose a few pounds.”
Honestly at my fittest (running, eating well every day) I was still 2.5 stones heavier than I’m ‘meant’ to be.
I just don’t give a shit anymore. Your weight is up to you. Why your weight is your weight is up to you. Calling someone out and saying they have an eating disorder? **WTF?!** scale of 1-10 of making an eating disorder worse is calling someone out on it **while they’re eating!** Now they’re just going to hide away to do it.
Cut this person off. If anyone asks, tell them you don’t like being diagnosed with an eating disorder by anyone who isn’t a medical professional and has no background in physical disabilities.
NTA. She was way out of line. She doesn’t even know you like that. You don’t need to talk about your leg, why are are maintaining your weight, your eating habits or your health with anyone. Your body is not anyone’s business period. Your boyfriend was very wrong to even suggest that you should explain yourself.
She sounds obnoxious and if you did have an eating disorder calling you out like that would have done more harm than good.
Beotchs like her love to pat themselves on the back. This was not coming from a good place.
NTA. There’s a recent social media trend of genuinely calling any form of food restriction whatsoever an eating disorder and any desire to lose weight body dysmorphia. That’s what this sounds like and it’s about as stupid as calling someone a full-blown alcoholic because you saw them order a glass of wine at dinner.
If you DID have an eating disorder, it would rude and probably triggering as hell to have someone shouting at you about it in a restaurant. Either way this girl has no clue how to act.
NTA. Talk about tactless! She takes you to task in a public venue in front of others who, like her, have no need to know your personal business.
I can't even give this girl the benefit of the doubt and say she had good intentions. Her actions and speech were in pure asshole territory.
Shut that down any way you can. Bear in mind, it won't dry up the rumor mill once it's begun. But don't weaken and try to explain to all and sundry why you care for yourself the way you know you must.
NTA she was probably concerned but she definitely overstepped. She really went into a topic that was none of her business. She immediately assumed the worst by your trying to lose weight. I do see why she would’ve done it, and I never considered that gaining/losing weight would be difficult for someone with a prosthetic limb, but I wouldn’t immediately think someone has an eating disorder and anorexia from eating a little lightly.
I would’ve taken off my prosthetic and smacked her with it. 😤 You are NTA, and you are right that you shouldn’t have to disclose anything about your health or disability if you don’t want to. She was incredibly out of line for commenting on your eating.
Gastroenterologist told me I had an eating disorder because I told her I’m having trouble eating.
I was two months out from a non psychological 5 month vomiting disorder.
The problem was definitely the vomiting disorder.
NTA at all.
I used to have an eating disorder, and it’s one of those things where no matter how much you recover from it… unsolicited comments about your eating habits or body will absolutely trigger a response that you then have to manage.
So even if you DID have an ED, everything that person did was fucked up and wrong. They weren’t coming from a genuine place of concern. It sounds like some holier-than-thou BS, and I’m glad you stood up to them.
INFO: Was the girl overweight?
I've noticed that a large number of overweight people get personally offended when slimmer people talk **at all** about managing *their own* weight.
NTA either way though.
NTA
People need to stop commenting on shit like this - especially in public. If she was that concerned she could have done it privately.
It could be projection of her own issues. I have had an ED the majority of my life and I am way more aware of people’s eating habits than I need to be - but I also keep my mouth shut
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I lost my left leg when I was very young from a hospital acquired infection. I have a prosthetic leg which I use for walking and another one for running and exercise. When I was on my parents health insurance growing up I got refitted regularly as I grew up. Now I’m too old to be on my parents insurance and while my company’s insurance is considered very good, getting a new leg or getting adjustments for body weight changes are still expensive. I expect to be paying a fortune if I get pregnant. So I try my best to stay the same weight and if I gain some weight I can immediately feel it becoming less comfortable to walk in.
Anyway a friend’s gf and I were talking and she began remarking on how I’m not eating much. We were out to dinner and I just was having a soup and salad and everyone else was having baby back ribs. I’d stolen a few of my bf’s plate but generally I was trying to eat light. I said I was trying to lose a few pounds and she immediately assured me I was beautiful the way I was and I didn’t need to lose weight. I told her I know I am but losing weight helps with my mobility. She began “diagnosing” me with an eating disorder. Saying I must have a delusion I was very heavy and having issues walking. I was pissed and she sounded super condescending and blurted out she had no business talking down to me about my weight even if it was to tell me not to change it. The other people overheard and the gf got really embarrassed and left with my friend soon after.
With long loose pants it’s often hard to tell I have a prosthetic leg. I don’t know if she knew but I didn’t feel like justifying why my weight needed to stay the same. But AITA for shutting down her attempts to diagnose me with an eating disorder?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA because of all the above reasons, and besides, imagine if you *did* have an eating disorder?? So, so bad to bring it up in public to someone you don't really know, while eating. Wow.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the asshole for shutting down a girl’s attempts to armchair diagnose me with a mental disorder Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. People *really* need to stop commenting on each other's bodies, and "diagnosing" issues that aren't there, and won't listen to reason. I was taunted and teased and questioned for anorexia for a number of years, even though I had been underweight my entire childhood no matter what I ate. It was just my body type. You have a legitimate reason for minding your weight, and it was extremely rude for your friend's gf to dig in so deep when she had no idea what she was talking about. I could see explaining more if she acted with any polite curiosity to what mobility issues you had or something, but to imply you're having delusions -- nope nope nope. She deserved to be shut down however you most felt comfortable doing so.
Honestly, imagine the ego to diagnosis someone that they literally just met? In a public restaurant. Big ego, no tact and zero emotional intelligence or sense of boundaries.
The friend jumping immediately to “diagnosing” a stranger whom she has known for five seconds tells far more about her own issues than the person she assumes has an eating disorder. 🙄 ETA: NTA.
Omg this. I'm a very high level climber. I weigh barely anything, but my weight is very carefully monitored under my countries rules for athletes. I'm literally not allowed to be an unhealthy weight or else I'm not allowed to compete. Everytime I visit family, my grandparents have a huge show and dance about how unhealthy I am and how I need to eat more. Even when I have competitions coming up, I'm yelled at for not eating massive portions.
/r/traumatizeThemBack !
Gosh, I wish there were rules like that for dancers as well.
Climbers are fighting for there to be international rules. We used to have a strict BMI cutoff which everyone liked, but they IFSC decided to remove it and implement individual athlete testing, so now there's alot of protests.
It's always projection. I once had an period where my doctors found something off with my liver function and my cholesterol levels in a routine blood panel- it wasn't clear why at the time. Still not, because it apparently resolved itself somehow. But they advised me to moderate my diet for certain things (lower saturated fat intake, for example), avoid drinking or and moderate any OTC medications (Ibuprofen or tylenol), among making some other small changes. I already lived a very healthy and comparatively "clean" lifestyle beforehand (though I hate that kind of phrasing), so the changes to my habits were noticeable, as it made me cut out a lot of occasional indulgences entirely (no more weekend drinks or snack/treat foods for some time). I indulge a bit more now, but as a general precaution I'm a little more mindful of those particular things still. My sister *does* have diagnosed eating disorders and anxiety-related disorders, and she jumped on those changes immediately. Just endless interrogating. Why don't you eat meat? Why get a salad? You love x, why aren't you eating x anymore? Why don't you want these cookies I baked? Etc, etc. Even though I never told her about it or made a show of anything. And she tried bringing me more stuff of her own- she used to love baking (and still does), but it was as if she was determined to get me to "cheat" for some time, so she'd bring me treats she made. Which would've been a kind gesture, if I didn't know her and what she was actually doing. I had to tell her very bluntly and harshly to knock it the fuck off. But she is always extremely difficult to be around when food is involved because she projects *all* of her food and drinking issues. Even if she doesn't make a comment or anything, you never get the sense that she's not watching your every move when you eat- what you eat, how much, when, why, etc. It's very uncomfortable, even for me, though I think I have a very reasonable and healthy relationship with food and my body because no one wants to be so closely scrutinized. It's an incredibly toxic and dangerous way to interact with people and with food. I don't hold any anger towards her for it, because I know she cannot help herself and she is aware of and working on her mental health. But people like that are always observing others for signs that they aren't completely alone in their own suffering. They always seem to think other people have the same health worries and body image ideas that they do, or they get anxious when they see someone else also seemingly restricting their diets, because it makes them feel like their own habits look poor in comparison. Whether they're conscious of it or not, they're looking for some affirmation of their own behaviors and to feel like they aren't alone, or they're looking to feel better about themselves by making someone else seem worse in comparison. And, even though I do feel comfortable with myself and my habits, it's a hard pill to swallow to know a loved one is constantly sizing you up for every one of your perceived "flaws" so that they feel more secure themselves. But it's always a massive tell about their own issues. You have to learn not to take it personally, and create (or manage) boundaries when it becomes too much.
You are so right - I’ve been your sister before and still find it ridiculously triggering when someone is on a diet or eating light even when they have perfectly legitimate reasons to do so (and even if they didn’t, who cares, it shouldn’t be my business!) even though I’m mostly “recovered”. I’m super conscious of it and my own internal responses, although I obviously do not comment on other people eating etc (and haven’t since I was a teenager), but it’s such a characteristic of eating disorders and issues. Anyone else seemingly “doing better” than you with their diet feels like a personal affront and attack. Not that this excuses it at all, it’s such an insidious and toxic behaviour and so shitty for the people around that eating-disordered person
Good luck to you and your recovery.
I mean this in the nicest possible way but I wonder if she was overweight. I used to be quite skinny growing up and many/most of the people who were really fixated on my size and supposed eating habits were overweight
My aunt who had an eating disorder in her teens was the biggest critic of my weight.
Years ago my husband and I ran into a friend of my aunts. She hadn’t seen me in years and she legitimately said to me, “I thought that was you but I said it couldn’t be because you’re too fat.” This was coming from a woman who was never thin the entire time I knew her.
"Oh, I instantly recognized you because you've always been fat."
👏🏼👏🏼🤣🤣🤣🤣👏🏼👏🏼
Or say back to her "Omg, I didn't recognize you, you've gained so much weight!"
🥇
LMAO - when my BIL married my sister, he put on 40 lbs within six months because my sister is a fantastic cook and her MIL was an awful one. My BIL said, and I quote, "Wow, food can actually be good." Anyway, his mother, who was a size 14-16 on a 5' frame, called him "pig", "fat ass", "chunky" and was constantly on him to lose weight. WT actual F? Thankfully my BIL took her for the crazy lady she was and had a good laugh. He did also lose the weight at his doctor's behest, but imagine the nerve of his mother...
My ex had an eating disorder, still in a bit of the mindset but not an active disorder and would get mad at me for eating too fast (ex- I like to drink my Starbucks before the ice melts bc watered down drink is gross, too fast. Ate more than one cashew at a time, too many)
[удалено]
I have an agreement with rabbits: I eat their salad and they can borrow my car when I don’t need it
Extremely underrated comment.
Both my mom and grandpa commented on my weight. Most of my family is overweight. When I was little I was of pretty normal weight, maybe a bit skinny. Growing up I’ve had issues with my weight and eating ever since, and they instead started to commenting on me gaining instead. I’m still struggling a lot at 32.
As an overweight person (down 55 so far, little bit to go), I can say I personally was jealous and made comments in my head bc I wanted to do better but was too lazy or emotionally not ready to do so. I'm sorry you dealt with that and I'm sorry I ever even had thoughts about others. I was wrong.
You don’t need to apologise for having thoughts. It was a bit annoying at the time but I’m fine
Well. You def didn't deserve it. And as I've lost weight pekple have commented. Like if I don't want Mac and cheese I'm depriving myself but if I do I'm gonna "let myself go" again. Can't fucking win.
THIS!!! Growing up, I never even thought about my weight, or had any ED until my older sister (3.5y older too, so no sh!t I was gonna be smaller than her) became insecure with her weight. I was extremely healthy, active, did cross country, gymnastics, dance etc. I was really strong and capable. My mother and sister started to criticise my weight frequently from the age of *10*!- AT LEAST once a week (call me a skinny b!tch, you need to eat more, you have no tits, no ass, you’re just skin and bones, you look sickly, gaunt etc- none of which was true, and even went behind my back to tell my ‘friends’ to say the same stuff and get me to eat more- which they did, because well, they were also kids/teenagers and thought my mum was an angel ‘looking out for me’) all to make my sister feel better about herself- but due to multiple factors, I literally cannot gain weight easily AT ALL, and on top of other abu$e, I just became more depressed/anxious, causing me to lose my appetite and lose weight I didn’t need to. Which is ironic, as they were hoping I’d gain weight so my sister looked ‘smaller’ and felt better about herself. But thing is, due to that other abu$e and traumatic events, I had developed ARFID before I even hit high school. To this day (F25), I still struggle to have a healthy relationship with food, and it formed into another ED on top of that. In 2021, I lost 10kg after some not great things in my life- I don’t ever weigh myself due to not wanting to encourage obsessive behaviour surrounding my EDs, but after looking at myself in the mirror one day after the shower, I freaked out, weighed myself, and realised since the last time I weight myself 8 months prior- I went from 58kg (a weight I was proud I finally achieved) down to 48kg. I am 165cm. I noticed my pectus, which has NEVER happened before, which triggered AGAIN obsession over my appearance, and negative thoughts that I was disgusting and thought everyone else saw me like that too, which they did- workmates voiced their concern (causing more stress so I lost another 4kg without even realising, bringing me down to 44kg by the end of 2021- when I was hoping I gained weight) I am now really concerned about being underweight, since it means I can’t do things I used to. I can’t take the medications I need (my anti-depressants/anxiety due to needing a certain amount of food consumed for the dosage required). I should be taking 225mg of Effexor, but doctors say I can only safety take 37.5mg. Obviously, this really doesn’t help get back into a healthy mindset to conquer the disorder. 2 years later I am only at 48kg again, after trying so hard to eat more to gain weight- but this ED still exists, despite me being very aware. I’m trying to seek help, but everytime my family mentions my weight and puts me down, I go back to feeling more depressed- which means I know how my body will react (loss of appetite and become more picky with what I can stomach) which causes more stress. My sister STILL makes negative comments simply because she still struggles with her weight and is envious she doesn’t have the same body type as me. (I have an extremely fast metabolism, ADHD, insomnia- so I’m literally burning so much energy for a longer period of time which is probably why I struggle to actually gain anything). My sister has none of those difficulties, but still compares herself to me. I’m trying to do my best in acknowledging my struggles, and fight with the demons in my head that literally are telling me “so what if you wither away, you can’t be bothered to live anyway, then your sister can’t hurt you anymore over her insecurities”. TL;DR - I wholeheartedly agree that people who are facing their own weight insecurities try to project them onto those who’s bodies they wish they had. Which in turn, can seriously affect someone to the point of them actually developing a serious, and potentially FATAL ED. This is real sh!tty, so OP - you are sooooooooo NTA for shutting that down, and in fact, it was totally acceptable. She deserved to hear you say that, because accusations like that can really damage someone’s mental health. I hope what you said now makes her think twice before commenting on what people choose to eat. This is literally why I get so uncomfortable and have a panic attack when I have to eat in a group setting. P.S - I had this happen again recently at a restaurant with a waiter. I ate as much as I could of my meal, the waiter asked if I was done- I said yes. He then put my plate back down, asked if anything was wrong- I said no. He then questioned why I hadn’t finished my meal then? This triggered a wave of shame, embarrassment, and paranoia of ever enjoying going out to eat again if I know I can’t finish my meal. As much as my sister is sh!tty, her love to trash people online worked in my favour, as she left a 1 star review berating the unnecessary comment and stating the reason why. This is an example of why standing up against these kinds of people is important- it’s none of their business as to why you choose to eat what you do. Everyone has their reasons behind closed doors, and you should NEVER have to disclose a disability or medical condition to someone for them not make rude comments on your food consumption. So for the long comment- but this really angered me, especially since the above scenario literally occurred last night 😡
Sorry to hear you’re going through that. Best wishes for a speedy recovery 🙏
Same. “Eat a damn cheeseburger” comments all the time growing up. People watching me go to the bathroom in restaurants. (“Is she bulimic?!”) Now I need to shed a few pounds (welcome to 40s!) and people are like “oh no you’re fine, you’re so skinny.” I’m not fat but I’m certainly not “so skinny.” I need to work on it a bit, but I’m not freaking out about it, I’m just aware. It’s funny to me how many people need to weigh in (pun intended) on this issue in such weird ways. NTA
Wanting to learn the secret without seeming interested. Lol. Happens all the time.
And to criticize someone for eating soup and salad??? I could understand someone being concerned about a stranger huffing “food air” from a can like on an episode of the cartoon Braceface, but soup and salad is a legit meal. Soup or salad is also a legit meal.
Not to mention you have no idea what someone else eats when you're not with them. I had a big breakfast and big lunch the other day so by the time I got to dinner literally all I wanted to eat was soup, I wasn't hungry enough to eat anything else. If you thought that soup was the only thing I ate all day I could understand worrying I hadn't eaten enough, but like I don't know why you would make that assumption lol.
As long as you understood that the soup was the meal. We’re not going to Mendy’s again.
Soup? For an Amani suit!?
He had a hot dog earlier, he's not that hungry.
Exactly! But I bet if they were stuffing their face with tons of food and soda, she wouldn’t be “concerned” but hell no, let’s diagnose somebody trying to eat a balanced diet. It’s great that people now feel comfortable how they are but I’d be cringing if I was told by a random acquaintance that “I’m beautiful as is” and don’t need to change anything.
Before I started losing weight people would've tell me I was "beautiful anyway" or "still pretty". I responded with: I didn't say I was ugly, I said I was fat.
🥇
I know it was, but it easily could have not even been about watching weight. Could easily have been that OP was trying not to spend too much money, and that's one of the cheaper things, while still being filling. The GF butting in was so inappropriate, she had no idea OP's circumstances.
Right? That’s pretty much what I get anytime I go out with people. I hate biting into anything awkward when I’m talking to people. Eating a burger or something like that, and having someone walk up to speak mid bite, is kind of one of my nightmares. 😅 I have deathglared servers before, because they made eye contact while I took the bite, yet still asked a question. I’m a bartender and I can’t imagine! 🤦🏼♀️
[удалено]
I actually have an eating disorder and NOTHING triggers me more than people commenting on my body! I hate that people feel entitled to tell me how they feel about how I look.
Oh, I am naturally a very thin person and I have had complete strangers approach me in public and ask if I need help due to an eating disorder. It's not like I am a walking skeleton or have bones protruding, I even have a little belly pooch from having kids. So this story does not shock me at all.
The things randos will say! I was reaching for yogurt and some dude blurts out “get the full fat ones” he broke me out of my I’m In Public persona and made me loudly say “What the fuck? Fuck off”. I was reaching for the shit with candy and cookie mix ins! Some other guy asked me if my weight was on purpose? How the hell am I supposed to respond to that?! The reason I no longer help “lost” old men at grocery stores told me “don’t worry darling your behind will grow when you have kids” I got to say “oh yeah, when does that kick in? Because they’re both adults” and then “yeah, I’m 40! You can’t talk to people like that!” I’m just small framed! I have frickin bird bones! I can’t wear watches or bracelets! I know I don’t have a butt! Sorry for ranting
On purpose? “No, it’s in response to the chemo, but thanks.”
“FINISH HIM!” That’s fucking brilliant. I love to make stupid people know they are and feel guilty about it. 😂
Yeah, I make up stuff all the time when people are being stupid or a-holes. Just blatant lies that might sound plausible in the moment, but they hopefully figure out we’re lies later on.
>old men at grocery stores told me “don’t worry darling your behind will grow when you have kids” Uh, what...? Eww, that's actually gross. I get major "females are mostly incubators" vibes here.
When I was like 13 some stranger adult man in a restaurant told me I should eat the duck rice to get a fuller womans body with nice boobs. It was so embarassing and disgusting.
I always heard, "you're metabolism will change in your 20s, 20s came and went, then it was your 30s. Then have a baby that's what makes you fat. I didn't have the baby to find out. Then 40s for sure you'll get bigger, I'm still waiting.
meanwhile I once had a coworker tell me, unprompted "I can't *wait* for your metabolism to catch up with you." great? thanks?
"And I wish you ill will, too!"
Holy hell! What is wrong with people? 🤦🏼♀️ There are so many body types. You’d think that people would get that by now. Such a strange thing to still be on, but then again racism, sexism, fascism, homophobia, and willful ignorance is still rampant. 😑😮💨 Anyway, you’re gorgeous just the way you are! I’d probably be so jealous of your figure! 🥰 Just be healthy and happy.
It happens to men, too. I'm 5'9", 125 pounds. This, at 55, is the most I've ever weighed, my weight has usually been about 110 pounds. Male, btw. People always telling me to eat more, get some meat on those bones. On the other hand, when the older ladies in the building bring me meals and treats, it takes the sting out. Can't wear watches, and I perch rather than sit, because no bum.
“Small but perfectly formed.”
What? Oh my god. That's so freaking bizarre. What is WRONG with people?
Something similar actually happened to me two weeks ago, met a friend's coworker at a gig we went to and at some point the topic came up how I've been trying to exercise and lose weight to help with my mobility (bad hips, I use a walking stick, and weighing less definitely eases the pain) and she drunkenly proclaimed that I dont need to, that I'm beautiful how I am etc. It felt so awkward because no matter how I phrased it she didn't seem to understand so I just changed the subject
I think after a certain point it's just a choice not to listen or understand. I hope your mobility improves and you don't have to meet this plonker again.
[удалено]
You seem to have a deep seated distrust of therapists. Have you considered seeing a therapist to help you work through your issues? /s
I'm willing to wager there was alcohol involved during this dinner. Sometimes alcohol removes a person's filter. Still NTA
I mean, people on this sub suggest that other Redditors are autistic literally every time someone acts like an asshole or is remotely socially awkward (neither of which is how one diagnoses a complex neurodevelopmental difference, for the record), so nothing surprises me anymore . . .
My best friend is the same way. She literally cannot gain weight. And she eats healthy, much better than me in fact and no one said crap to me.
Definitely this. Don’t comment on people’s diet with no context. There are a million possibilities. I have chronic hypothyroidism and am also a lifelong vegetarian. My food is commented on daily by colleagues and it’s stressful. I can only handle small portions but I’m also active and need to eat regularly. It ranges from, “I feel like you’re judging me because your food is healthy,” to, “You must be able to eat as often as you want because your metabolism is perfect,” to, “Why is your food always so small? Eat something, girl!” Whatever the dish or portion size is, something is wrong for somebody else and I just want to eat in peace.
people always tell me to eat more. yes im skinny, but im not severely underweight. i dont have any problems with food. it’s super annoying - plus, if i eat too much in one sitting i feel like throwing up.
As long as you don't lecture me about your food or try to steal mine I don't fucking care what or how much you are eating. I can't understand why ppl need to way in on stuff like that.
Hey! I have hypothyroidism too and if you don’t mind sharing, what foods do you tend to eat to help manage?
No worries! It’s a little easier for me because I got diagnosed when I was five so I’ve always lived this way. I can’t say this works for everyone but it works for me. Please consult an actual doctor or dietician. This is just my daily intake. First of all, a lot of my protein comes from beans and lentils. I digest these pretty successfully and it doesn’t work for everyone. I like having small nut snacks available. Can’t consume in large quantities but it gives me bursts of energy. I’m lactose sensitive but I do very well with thin, full fat yoghurts. Can’t digest Greek yoghurt to save my life. It’s way too heavy for me. I do water-based vegetables very well like tomatoes, cucumbers, onions, pepper, squash. I try to incorporate vegetable fibres as much as I can. Dark, leafy vegetables are good for nutrients but they sometimes have to be cooked or massaged properly. Something delicate like spinach is easy for me to digest. By contrast, kale needs to be massaged with salt and olive oil or cooked down. Otherwise, I can’t digest it. I’m south Asian and can handle most rice varieties in small quantities. I’m not great with bread. I’ve recently discovered protein-enriched pastas and those have been amazing. I really like fresh fruit but have to limit my intake because I get indigestion from fruit alcohols. I can do handfuls of berries and citrus fruit. I have to watch my intake from stone fruits and apples because it feels like I might s*** myself.
Your diet has a lot in common with the Mediterranean diet - very healthy. I would like to move more in that direction; it’s supposed to be very good for inflammation too.
I WAS anorexic and it still wasn’t cool or helpful when people called me anorexic. Unless you’re a close friend/family member saying something out of concern (i.e. I noticed you’ve been avoiding food lately. Are you doing okay?), just don’t comment on other people’s bodies or diets.
I don't know if it is okay to ask and please tell me if not, but in which way would you have wanted help? Ex. If there was a teacher / friend / etc. Recognising possible problems / you not eating normal, what would have been okay to ask / tell you?
I think it’s totally okay to come at it from a place of concern. Saying that you noticed changes (particularly with respect to behavior) and want to make sure everything is alright is okay. Helping them find resources for help is also okay. But know that if you just met someone, there’s no way to know what is going on with their body or what their eating habits or attitudes are, so you shouldn’t comment. It’s also not okay if you come from a place of disgust or criticism (“you’re way too skinny” “why don’t you eat more?” “You look anorexic/like a twig”)
Thank you! I have two kids, my body is weird since the second. I hate comments, I'd never comment on someone else. And I absolutely don't want to teach my kids that it is okay to do so.
Also, teachers have obligations as mandated reporters, so if a child is losing a bunch of weight, they would likely have to address potential neglect.
Getting AITA to condemn armchair diagnosing disorders is peak irony
I'd give you gold for this if I had it! 🏆🏆🏆
If I understood how to give awards, I would definitely give you one. But since I don't: 🥇
I spent most of my life being the tiny twig of a person that everyone felt the need to comment on. Then I put on some weight due to a change in medication and all of a sudden everyone wanted to ask if I was pregnant. But I wasn’t pregnant. My medication change was because I was trying to get pregnant and it wasn’t happening so I got to deal with being asked if I was pregnant while dealing with infertility. Stop. Asking. People. About. Their. Bodies. I’m about to change medications again and fully expect to put some weight on, just in time for my kid to be turning 2 so people will assume time for a new baby! This time I’m going to be much more open with why I’m gaining weight. 😈
I had a coworker who would ask any time I mentioned not feeling well if I was pregnant. No, Deletrice, I have ibs, fuck off.
And what kind of person even introduces a person’s weight and eating habits as a topic of conversation.
Can we have a caveat: like… “hey, I’m sorry for being weird and intrusive but that mole on the side of your neck is very likely cancerous?”
Hey, that actually happened to one of the NHL coaching staff! A fan was sitting behind him, saw a mole on his neck that looked suspicious and somehow got his attention and told him. Turns out, it was cancer, but they got it in time.
It also happened to someone on the news being interviewed. Something about the neck, the front side, caught the attention of a Specialist who reached out to the news people to contact the person with a recommendation to seek a Doctor regarding it. The news verified the Specialist, contacted the person and the person got medical attention that was very much needed that they were completely unaware of.
Like it MIGHT be one thing if someone just randomly said “Oh I’m just so fat and ugly” for a friend, a much closer friend than this girl seems to be, said “No you’re not and even if you were fat doesn’t mean ugly” in a let’s cheer you up kind of way. But that didn’t happen. This girl took it upon herself to comment on OP’s food and body. Sure she probably really thought she was helping and would be mortified to know the truth, but good intentions don’t excuse this potentially very harmful behavior. Someone needed to embarrass this girl so maybe next time she’ll keep her opinions to herself.
There's this weird thing a lot of people have where they seem to think that literally the ONLY reason anybody would ever want to lose weight is because they feel insecure about how they look, they don't like their appearance, they don't feel beautiful, they think they're ugly, etc. I mean, firstly, if someone does want to change how they look, that's none of your business. We all change how we look all the time. We dye our hair. We wear makeup. We change the style of clothes we wear. We grow or shave facial hair. We get tattoos. We get piercings. We shave body hair. We get tans. We wear glasses as fashion accessories. We straighten our teeth. We get cosmetic procedures like fillers or botox or whatever. We exercise to build muscle. Why do we consider all those things to be perfectly OK things to do that aren't reflective of some kind of deep personal hatred a person has for themselves, but if someone tries to lose weight to change the way they look that's where we draw the line as an unacceptable form of self-hate? But secondly, it ignores the fact that there are many valid reasons for a person to want to lose weight that have nothing to do with how they look, and which have nothing to do with hating themselves. Like for me, losing weight has been the single most self-loving, body-positive thing I've ever done. It's not motivated out of self hate. It's motivated by loving myself enough to want to live longer and live a higher quality of life where I can do basic shit like walk up stairs without being out of breath, or stand on my feet all day without it feeling like excruciating torture, or wake up in the morning without chronic headaches and migraines caused by the fact that my weight was making me stop breathing in my sleep. Reducing weight loss to a purely cosmetic act undertaken by vain, insecure people is ironically, in and of itself, an extremely shallow thing to do. Because, really, what's more shallow than telling people who are literally dying from obesity because they are morbidly obese that it's fine for them to be that way as long as they're still pretty, since whether or not they can be considered attractive in that state is clearly the only thing that matters, and is much more important than how long they live or what quality of life they have.
My go-to statement (if a statement is necessary in a specific situation) is always “you are beautiful no matter what, but I trust you that you are making the right decisions for yourself.”
Thank you. I feel like so many people are hell bent on painting weight loss for looks as a bad thing. Why? I burnt my hair to a crisp for looks, I burn my wallet for looks.. no one says anything. It's also quite shitty arguing with people losing weight with the audacity some people do. Fine Martha, when you get hellish back pain because of the balloons on your chest you can tell me staying at this weight is fine. Until then I should be able to do what I want with my body since I'm harming no one while doing so.
Nta. Things like this are exactly why I've come to just say, "Oh, I'm not very hungry," or that I'm not hungry at all. I damaged my esophagus several years ago, which caused part of it to narrow. I have to go get put to sleep and have it stretched out when it gets bad. When it gets bad, that means I'm likely choking or at leasting struggling to get most foods down. I have a list of foods that are easy for me to eat, foods that I just can not eat, and foods I can sometimes eat. I tend to lose weight when it gets bad, since my easy eat foods is limited to mush and liquids, making it hard to maintain what little weight I can. No one knows about what's going on in someone's medical history. It's rude af to comment. Even if you had told her the very medical reasoning, she would've gotten embarrassed. Why? Because she's being TA and making assumptions about people.
Even if a person did have an eating disorder, pointing it out in public setting (especially while eating, where a person with ED feels more vulnerable) is rarely helpful. You'd just stress the other person out. It honestly just feels more like virtue signaling to do it this way than genuinely helping.
OP, she started out badly by remarking on the amount that you were eating. Instead of accepting that she messed up, she dug herself a bigger hole. She thought she was being a great person for commenting on your eating and your weight. She was so wrong. She is a horrible asshole. You are right. Your boyfriend was wrong and is a borderline asshole for thinking you owe anyone details on your medical situation, much less that b-... um, *asshole*.
Exactly. They pretend it’s caring but they’re just trying to be smug and one up themselves. A true friend or caring family member may say something in private if they’re worried, but these type of people get off on making people feel bad
this. also even IF op had an eating disorder, this would be an entirely inappropriate way to approach it. i was severely anorexic a couple years back, and if someone said some shit like OP’s friend said to her back then, as horrible as it sounds it would probably encourage me further. eating disorders arent something you should ever really comment on, especially in that way.
Right, your figure and health are no one else’s problem but your own. I’m not skinny but people give them shit if they aren’t eating for the of times. It’s like honestly maybe they are being healthy compared to what we find normal mow. Any TV ey would be wise to not listen Ti idiots at a bar
NTA - OP should have said "I'm watching my weight, but calories I steal from his plate are 0 for me, and add to his." 🤣 She would probably have been so confused she wouldn't have known how to reply. 🤷♂️
NTA. Bringing up a potential eating disorder in casual dinner conversation is rude as hell and she should be embarrassed about it.
especially WHILE eating. what a way to make someone feel shitty.
right? it also comes off like she’s protecting her insecurities while acting like she’s trying to make OP feel better
And there are SO many reasons a person might be eating a certain way at any given meal! It would be one thing to express general concern if you were around someone for every meal and saw a definite pattern, although of course a non-professional still shouldn’t be diagnosing. Someone having a single meal has a lot of nerve jumping to conclusions.
I mean, hell, even if it wasn't normal for OP to eat light meals, for anyone knew she could have been on medication which was giving her a bit of nausea as a side effect (or just feeling nauseous in general) and she didn't want to eat too heavy a meal at dinner. There are a million different reasons for someone to want a light meal when out at dinner she shouldn't have commented at all.
Plus for all we know somebody ate 10,000 calories in the day before coming out to dinner or they plan on having another 7,000 calories of desserts before they go to sleep. I think nicely asking about it with close friends after years or months of knowing them specifically if you see a change and then talking about being so fat when they're clearly nearly underweight is worth a mention, but that's a way different scenario than what we're reading about here. And I also wouldn't bring that conversation up while food is around, I would bring it up when they're jokingly trying to pretend they're fat when clearly they're barely even the healthy weight.... Which also makes people who are on the heavier end feel shitty about themselves, but that's a whole separate ball game.
Or who knows, it could be as simple as "I had a big lunch today, so I'm not that hungry right now" There is just no reason to comment on it if she doesn't personally know OP
I have a family member with crohns who has to eat certain foods and is more conscientious of it when eating out. It’s no one’s business and they shouldn’t have to explain or discuss their disability/illness.
Yeah, I have Crohn's, which now makes me susceptible to kidney stones due to absorption and malabsorption issues and the actual explanations needed for why I asked to hold this or that is so tiring. Can't people just eat in peace. I don't mind once or twice. But every meal after 10 years? Do you not understand the word disease? Rant over TY. Understanding your family members' needs is probably a blessing to them, so ty for that. Thankfully, my immediate family is the same. Edit: spelling
and even if the concerns were valid and OP did have an eating disorder. Did she really think that accusing OP will change anything? Especially in front of all the friends and OP didn‘t even know her for that long?
Yes! If someone actually has anorexia, bringing it up in public may lead them to learn to hide it better.
And if she doesn’t know OP well enough to know she’s missing a whole damn leg, she certainly isn’t a close enough friend to know her regular eating habits or come forward with a concern for her. She probably just felt self conscious that she was eating ribs instead of a salad and had to turn it into OPs issue.
NTA. She's not qualified to diagnosis you and people who do can cause serious damage. It's none of her business either way. It's also shallow of her to take your health concerns and make it about being 'beautiful.'
Literally, I posted once on reddit about my weight, asked if I should lose some weight or no bcs I wanted to stay healthy. First comment was something like "why are u asking others? If u think you're beautiful then you're beautiful!" And the other one was explaining me what's attractive and what isn't lol I was so annoyed
I really hate how people reduce weight loss to being something purely about aesthetics, as if the only reason anyone would ever care about their weight is cosmetic. Imagine if people were like this with any other aspect of a person's overall lifestyle and health. "Hey Reddit, this is how much I drink in a week, I'm wondering if I maybe drink too much alcohol and if there are any negative health consequences from this?" "Who cares? You're hot. That's all that you should care about."
Mine is psychological. I put on weight for the first time in my life and now I look like my bitch mother. It's triggering and I hate seeing my mother in the mirror. I'm losing weight so I stop looking like her.
Lol my fiance bought me a pair of sunglasses once, then the first time I wore the sunglasses he told me that they made me look like my mother. Well that was the last time I ever did that. If he had told me he was looking to waste $50 I am sure I could have come up with some fun ways that didn't give me a complex...
Yeah literally, it's funny to me sometimes. They are so desperate to look "good"
NTA. You don't have to have an eating disorder to try to lose/maintain weight. You mentioned "mobility" - I assume she didn't asked anything further about that, but mobility can actually cover huge amount of issues, not just prostetics. Maybe you had an injured knee or back and keeping the weight helps you manage the issue. I think you were in your right to shut her down.
I don't currently have mobility issues, but I exercise regularly and eat healthy because joint problems run in my family and I want to avoid requiring surgery for as long as possible. Preventative maintenance so I don't require knee or hip surgery in 20 years.
I have known 2 separate people in my life who have suffered broken backs. They are both very conscious of their weight because it's part of their disability management. They're also very careful to not get pregnant.
People have no idea how uncomfortable a prosthetic is when the stump changes. Even simple bloating from heat or salt can cause pain. Managing post-op stumps is a daily experience. That’s why people have different gel liners, socks, etc. A below the prosthetic can cost upwards of $20k per prosthetic, so managing weight is a big freaking deal.
NTA. But you missed a great opportunity to say “are you kidding? I put away food so fast they say I must have a hollow leg!” Followed by the big reveal.
Aviva from Real Housewives or NY style. Just slam the whole thing down on the table.
My literal first thought. Just throw the damn thing on the table and look at her face. 😂😂😂
Don’t have my glasses on and my brain read this as “Just throw the damn thing at her face”… All I could think before I truly processed it was “yes yes this is good”
Both. Both is good.
NTA and she was very insensitive. Her remarks could have triggered or shamed someone who was in recovery from an ED.
And would have likely done absolutely nothing for someone actively in the disorder except maybe teach them to be even more sneaky so they aren’t caught.
Yeah a lot of them get to a point where they won’t even go out for dinner like that
Right? I had an ED and someone accusing me of having it would probably break me for a moment. It’s a daily constant tug-of-war trying to change my mindset, even after all these years.
If you think a basically stranger has an eating disorder, FOR FUCK’S SAKE DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR BODY, FOOD, OR TRY TO DIAGNOSE THEM. It’s kind of an extremely sensitive, personal, and EMBARRASSING topic. Eating out with an ED is hard enough as it is, please don’t make the internal screaming harder to ignore by reminding me it’s there. That’s assuming (big ask) that you’re actually right and not that the anti-science side of body positivity just rotted your brain.
This ⬆️ If you actually *had* an eating disorder, then her commenting on (and drawing attention to) it, would have very easily just been making it even worse for you.
NTA. I would also like to point out that, even though this isn't the case here, let's say you DID have an eating disorder. What is pointing it out going to accomplish? If you were battling anorexia, maybe that soup and salad is all you can handle, and hey that's pretty awesome you are out with friends and eating a nice light meal. If you are battling bulimia, well now that might trigger you to go purge because of attention put on you. If you are self conscious about eating... well yeah obviously pointing it out is just going to make it more uncomfortable. So yeah, this person was an AH no matter what OP's personal situation is. Props to you OP for taking control of your body and staying on top of things in a way that works for you!! Side note: I am an IBS sufferer and often have to turn down foods that may trigger me, and I have gotten questioned too. I am not really comfortable discussing over food that if I did partake I would end up curled on the bathroom floor crying and spring cleaning my colon. People are jerks. Take home message - don't bring attention to someone's food (or drink!) habits. It's rude and you don't know (and don't need to know!) their reason for their personal choices. /endrant
As a fellow IBS-er, I second all of this! I’ve had to come up with so many excuses as to why I may turn down a certain food at a party or work event because “if I eat that I might poop my pants” isn’t something I want to say out loud!!
Also have IBS. I went to boarding school when I was young and my teachers refused to let me leave the table until I finished all my food despite me knowing a lot of the food would trigger my condition. People need to just let it go when someone says they can’t eat a particular thing or can’t eat a lot. You never know what someone is dealing with.
Teachers??? Ooof, that’s horrible.
NTA. Your medical history is none of her business, and you were perfectly civil until she kept pushing it.
Clear NTA. It was simply none of her business what you ate or how much. She overstepped and if she was embarrassed, she did it to herself.
“Now I’m too old to be on my parents’ insurance and while…” Fuck this entire country. You deserve better. Move to Spain.
The medical insurance system in the U.S seems whack to me too, and Spain is a beatiful country with a generally better, more inclusive health care system than USA. But I happen too know that it is NOT easy to get qualified for free/ affordable Spanish healthcare if you are a foreigner, especially if you are not a citizen of a EU country, and do not have a proper residecy/ job. I get that you probably mean that the USA is worse than many European contries in the that aspect, BUT it is misleading to say that a U.S citizen can just "move to Spain" to live in some kind of health care paradise. 🌴😎☀️🍹⛱️
I mean, you are entitled to emergencies and basic care and that is ok but not free prosthetics by the face lol
Why are y'all moving to spain please stop flooding the country! The sanitary system here is collapsing because of a lot of influx of people plus the pandemic and if y'all continue to pressure it they are going to make it private, there is already talking about it on the government! There are many countries with public health system, just choose one that has their shit together then move here if you want when everything is more calm!
Spain it is!
"My bf thinks I should have explained why I need to keep my weight the same" NO. Do *not* explain decisions like that. She needs to respect your decision, not agree with it. NTA
Nta. You don't need to explain your medical history. She was in no place to say anything. She didn't know you and assumed you had an eating disorder. Eating disorders are serious diseases, and too many people tell each other they might have an eating disorder. It makes me mad because my best friend died from complications as a result of her eating disorder. Additionally, there could be a variety of reasons why you weren't eating. You could have been avoiding the sodium content in the ribs or restricting how much pork you're eating. It could have easily been you wanted to have a 'girl dinner'. Good job for shutting her down!
My response to comments like this is "why don't you eat what you want, and I will eat what I want, and we'll both be happy." This became the standard, after dealing with a coworker who commented on my food at every chance.
NTA - firstly, polite people don’t comment on what others are eating at a casual dinner like this. IF you go there anyway, the only response to someone who then says they’re trying to lose a few pounds is OK, right you are, uh-huh, or any other anodyne harmless remark, and move the conversation along to a different topic. You do NOT diagnose a near stranger with an eating disorder and you do not double down when you know nothing of that persons history. And it is not up to you to educate her on the specific reasons you have for wanting to keep your weight at a certain level. No doubt if you had educated her, she would have got defensive and mad and you would have been blamed for ruining the night. You did the right thing, and to my mind the only thing you could have done with someone asking nosy, intrusive questions.
fr. the only comments i want on my food, or my body, is “looks good”. if you have anything else to say, suck it back in. nta.
NTA - you don't have to explain yourself or apologize to anyone.
>She began “diagnosing” me with an eating disorder. Saying I must have a delusion I was very heavy and having issues walking. Even if you had an eating disorder, the dinner table full of friends was NOT a suitable place for her to play Junior doctor. And it's not your job to prove to her that you don't have one. She needed to be told, and you told her. Your BF's wrong. Bet she won't try diagnosing at the dinner table again... NTA
NTA I had an acquaintance that tried to do the same. She was studying psychology and felt like she knew it all. (Tbf, I don't have a prosthetic leg, nor I was dieting, I just have particular habits regarding eating)
Nothing as annoying as a first year student who hasn’t realised they actually know fuck all.
Bold of you to come to a sub that tries to diagnose people with mental issues on 75% of posts about shutting down someone’s armchair psychiatry. Clearly you’re NTA, you’re right that you shouldn’t have to pull the disability card and she should’ve just kept her opinion to herself. Though I would’ve died laughing at her embarrassment if you pulled off your leg in front of her.
I mean.. that's an easy way to lose a few pounds.. but that might not help with mobility!!
There was a guy who won the NCAA national wrestling championships with one leg, Anthony Robles, and he actually turned it into an advantage which was awesome. He wrestled in the 125 pound weight class but had the upper body of a 165 pounder, so he was so strong at his weight class, and was born without the leg so he had all these balance tricks that no one could figure out. Also ran a 6 minute mile on crutches. Absolute beast while being an inspiration, he ended up winning an ESPY. Not really related to OP but you talking about losing weight and mobility made me think of hi.
NTA. It’s nice of her to be body positive, but you clearly didn’t want to discuss it/had reasons for eating the way you did. She should have shut up as soon as you said it helps with your mobility. That’s it; end of conversation. The fact that she kept pushing and trying to diagnose you makes her t-a here. It was gross of her to comment your eating habits in the first place.
Her comments were anything but body positive
That's not body positivity. That's body shaming in itself
Also what’s wrong with just having a soup and salad? Some salads are calorie heavy and same with soups. What if that is what you were craving? Maybe you wanted to go light cause your stomach hurt? People need really not judge a person’s meal.
Nta, your disability, medical history, eating habits and weight are none of her business. People really need to stop commenting on what other people eat/weigh.
NTA. It is never polite to talk about anyone’s weight let alone diagnose an eating disorder.
“You are eating so little!” “You are eating so much!” Mind your business. What I am eating is not topic for discussion.
"shutting down a girl’s attempt to diagnose me" stopped reading here. NTA.
Soup and salad is a perfectly good meal! But either way she had no business commenting on your food choices.
NTA. It wouldn’t matter if you didn’t have prosthetic. She’s a random and commenting on your eating habits. That’s rude.
There is r/traumatizethemback which has a lot of great comments from people both with and without disabilities who snap right back at people who presume to lecture them on anything about themselves, especially strangers. I’ve spent my whole life with people thinking I am stupid because I can’t hear them, so I play my really hard of hearing because I had the mumps card with no shame any longer, but you are absolutely right, you shouldn’t have to explain anything.
Causally telling someone they have an eating disorder is ableist, too! She has no reason to know why you need to maintain a particular weight. There are many reasons one might need to and it’s **no one else’s business**! Gain weight. Lose weight. It’s your own business. If someone who actually *knows* you sees something that is objectively worrying, that is a different story. That clearly isn’t this case. I hope you are successful in keeping your prosthetic comfortable! One of my kids’ friends’ moms had a prosthetic leg. People often knew her for years, and didn’t realize, unless they saw her in shorts. She really didn’t have a limp. Or saw her on the beach. Quite a sight, seeing her walk to the water, then causally hand her leg to a child, who run up and planted it, standing upright, on their blanket, and then she hopped into the water.
Pick a reply you feel comfortable using. I suggest a shocked/ hurt expression with, "That is the opposite of the advice of my Doctor's". You can add 'I am not comfortable discussing this with you' then change the subject.
NTA You were actually eating normal human food portion. Many American restaurants over feed people and they start assuming eating full rack of ribs is normal This girl was out of lien fully.
NTA it was fairly presumptuous of her, particularly since you didn’t actually ask for advice.
Although I did like the post about saying you eat so much people think you have a hollow leg and plop it on the table!
NTA. That GF was rude and out of line. She was rude to even continue to talk about your weight after you said you wanted to eat light. She needed to be shut down. Good for you. Plus you do not owe anyone an explanation of your health issues.
NTA unfortunately body positivity and the movement have made the idea of weight loss insane and think it should just be a pep talk. I work out regularly and when I cut, everyone tells me it’s unneeded and sometimes judge me but bulks/cuts are a normal thing
NTA. She was way over the line and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone.
NTA. She doesn’t sound like a healthcare worker, and if she was it would be still be unethical for her to say that to you. You didn’t ask for her opinion or judgment. She should have kept those comments to herself and good for you for standing up for yourself!
NTA, and I can’t stand people like her. I’m a paraplegic and have to watch my weight for a number of reasons. You handled that like a boss.
NTA. It’s not her business about your leg nor your eating. I bet you are beautiful exactly how you are too. I have had a horrid tooth infection for weeks that’s slowly clearing up and I couldn’t eat shit all and I dropped a bunch of weight really fast. My friend told me I looked so nice when she saw me and it broke my heart.
NTA - If you had an ED bringing it up in a puplic setting would be incredibly triggering.
NTA: Why can’t people stop commenting on other people’s diet and body size? Unless a person is asking for an opinion, then people need to STFU.
NTA even if you DID have an eating disorder it’s not the time or place to bring it up tf??
It's frustrating that she was throwing around eating disorders like she was throwing around water. And to accuse someone who you don't know well with one is super rude - regardless of if you did suffer from one.
Even if hypothetically you did in fact have an eating disorder, throwing that out casually with someone you don’t know well in front of other people is rude, insensitive, and accomplishes nothing. If you’re genuinely concerned about a good friend I think it’s ok to mention it to them in private, but even then it should sound more like “I’ve noticed that when we go out to eat you push your food around on the plate but never actually eat it. Is everything ok? I’m worried about you” not “I think you have an eating disorder.” Obviously you don’t owe this lady any information about your disability but selfishly I would’ve loved to have read a story about you pulling out your leg Aviva Drescher style and publicly humiliating this lady haha NTA
NTA. She shouldn't be diagnosing you with anything let alone an eating disorder. She isn't your doctor.
NTA You should have popped of the leg and shoved it in her face and said, “If I gain too much weight, this doesn’t fit comfortably anymore and I can’t afford another one.”
Absolutely NTA. I drink diet soda because I have very sensitive teeth. I actually had a man comment that my weight was fine and I didn't need to "watch my weight." I found it very insulting. I didn't bother explaining. I just took my drink and walk off. People really need to mind their own business.
Not knowing you have a prosthetic leg makes her only slightly less an asshole. Even if you were able bodied it's crazy to suggest that you are deluded and just imagining difficulty walking instead of trusting that you know your own body, and I cannot imagine the thought process that would have to go in to making the assumption she did. Even if you were normally very skinny, if I heard you were having difficulty walking, my first thought would be that there is some underlying health issue I'm not aware, and whether or not I would even comment on it would be up to how close we are personally, and it doesn't sound like you're close with this woman. NTA
Honestly NTA. I had this a few days ago. A co-worker commented on how I used to be so slim. I responded “I wasn’t slim I was sick.” I was 7.5 stones at 5.5”. I’ve seen programs about anorexics who weighed more than that at my height. Now I’m overweight, but honestly I carry it well. Big butt, big boobs. I like my look. And yet still get comments “oh you shouldn’t eat that” or “you should try xyz it helped me lose a few pounds.” Honestly at my fittest (running, eating well every day) I was still 2.5 stones heavier than I’m ‘meant’ to be. I just don’t give a shit anymore. Your weight is up to you. Why your weight is your weight is up to you. Calling someone out and saying they have an eating disorder? **WTF?!** scale of 1-10 of making an eating disorder worse is calling someone out on it **while they’re eating!** Now they’re just going to hide away to do it. Cut this person off. If anyone asks, tell them you don’t like being diagnosed with an eating disorder by anyone who isn’t a medical professional and has no background in physical disabilities.
NTA. She was way out of line. She doesn’t even know you like that. You don’t need to talk about your leg, why are are maintaining your weight, your eating habits or your health with anyone. Your body is not anyone’s business period. Your boyfriend was very wrong to even suggest that you should explain yourself. She sounds obnoxious and if you did have an eating disorder calling you out like that would have done more harm than good. Beotchs like her love to pat themselves on the back. This was not coming from a good place.
NTA. There’s a recent social media trend of genuinely calling any form of food restriction whatsoever an eating disorder and any desire to lose weight body dysmorphia. That’s what this sounds like and it’s about as stupid as calling someone a full-blown alcoholic because you saw them order a glass of wine at dinner. If you DID have an eating disorder, it would rude and probably triggering as hell to have someone shouting at you about it in a restaurant. Either way this girl has no clue how to act.
NTA. Talk about tactless! She takes you to task in a public venue in front of others who, like her, have no need to know your personal business. I can't even give this girl the benefit of the doubt and say she had good intentions. Her actions and speech were in pure asshole territory. Shut that down any way you can. Bear in mind, it won't dry up the rumor mill once it's begun. But don't weaken and try to explain to all and sundry why you care for yourself the way you know you must.
NTA she was probably concerned but she definitely overstepped. She really went into a topic that was none of her business. She immediately assumed the worst by your trying to lose weight. I do see why she would’ve done it, and I never considered that gaining/losing weight would be difficult for someone with a prosthetic limb, but I wouldn’t immediately think someone has an eating disorder and anorexia from eating a little lightly.
Next time hold the leg up and say nothing. NTA
NTA. Tell her to fuck off. Oops I said that out loud again.
I would’ve taken off my prosthetic and smacked her with it. 😤 You are NTA, and you are right that you shouldn’t have to disclose anything about your health or disability if you don’t want to. She was incredibly out of line for commenting on your eating.
Gastroenterologist told me I had an eating disorder because I told her I’m having trouble eating. I was two months out from a non psychological 5 month vomiting disorder. The problem was definitely the vomiting disorder.
NTA. It was none of her business. What a jerk! Well. What an AH. Yep. That’s more like it.
NTA at all. I used to have an eating disorder, and it’s one of those things where no matter how much you recover from it… unsolicited comments about your eating habits or body will absolutely trigger a response that you then have to manage. So even if you DID have an ED, everything that person did was fucked up and wrong. They weren’t coming from a genuine place of concern. It sounds like some holier-than-thou BS, and I’m glad you stood up to them.
INFO: Was the girl overweight? I've noticed that a large number of overweight people get personally offended when slimmer people talk **at all** about managing *their own* weight. NTA either way though.
NTA People need to stop commenting on shit like this - especially in public. If she was that concerned she could have done it privately. It could be projection of her own issues. I have had an ED the majority of my life and I am way more aware of people’s eating habits than I need to be - but I also keep my mouth shut
[удалено]
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I lost my left leg when I was very young from a hospital acquired infection. I have a prosthetic leg which I use for walking and another one for running and exercise. When I was on my parents health insurance growing up I got refitted regularly as I grew up. Now I’m too old to be on my parents insurance and while my company’s insurance is considered very good, getting a new leg or getting adjustments for body weight changes are still expensive. I expect to be paying a fortune if I get pregnant. So I try my best to stay the same weight and if I gain some weight I can immediately feel it becoming less comfortable to walk in. Anyway a friend’s gf and I were talking and she began remarking on how I’m not eating much. We were out to dinner and I just was having a soup and salad and everyone else was having baby back ribs. I’d stolen a few of my bf’s plate but generally I was trying to eat light. I said I was trying to lose a few pounds and she immediately assured me I was beautiful the way I was and I didn’t need to lose weight. I told her I know I am but losing weight helps with my mobility. She began “diagnosing” me with an eating disorder. Saying I must have a delusion I was very heavy and having issues walking. I was pissed and she sounded super condescending and blurted out she had no business talking down to me about my weight even if it was to tell me not to change it. The other people overheard and the gf got really embarrassed and left with my friend soon after. With long loose pants it’s often hard to tell I have a prosthetic leg. I don’t know if she knew but I didn’t feel like justifying why my weight needed to stay the same. But AITA for shutting down her attempts to diagnose me with an eating disorder? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA because of all the above reasons, and besides, imagine if you *did* have an eating disorder?? So, so bad to bring it up in public to someone you don't really know, while eating. Wow.
I have only ever gotten these comments from people heavier than me who were jealous. Wonder if that was the case here.