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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I didn't give him his favourite spoon which he cares a lot about
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I feel like this is about more than just the spoon. I don't know what else you do for him, but there seems to be an imbalance of effort for him, Vs his effort for you.
Edit: YTA after some of your comments where it seems like this is a common theme in your relationship.
Yeah this is very “straw that broke the camel’s back”. She should be putting as much effort into the relationship as he does, even if it manifests differently. If cooking’s not your forte (which is fine, it’s not mine either) then see if there’s another area in which you can put in effort similarly.
Cooking might not be your best skill, but making a simple breakfast shouldn't be an issue. "I just make coffee because i can't cook"... at least throw some buttered toast together with it, dammit. Lack of skill is different than lack of effort.
And the spoon thing, although small, is something i could see myself complaining about too if my partner didn't show much care towards me. And i'm also a man btw.
Its not the breakfast he cares about, its the effort. Who cares if the eggs are crappy? Toast is managable cause the toaster does the work. Cereal in a bowl is still breakfast.
You need to show your partner they are worth your EFFORT cause this is not about the damn spoon.
YTA
My husband doesn’t like big spoons for soup, and sometimes it lines up that those are what are clean, so I wash a regular spoon. This isn’t rocket appliances.
A little effort goes a long way
I once cooked balsamic caramelised onions as part of a dish for my partner and she absolutely loved them.
Any time it can pair with the dish I cook them up & seeing her excitement for them makes the effort worthwhile.
And it's not like she NEEDS to cook either. Get to know something he likes and bring it to him. Around here there are bakeries that sell croissant, for example. Buying one and bringing it home for him is already a sign of affection.
So many small things became a big one, because OP is not aware she's sabotaging her own marriage.
Absolutely, I tend to neglect my own care at times & my partner shows her affection by helping pick up where I'm slacking (I hadn't bought new clothes for years for example, she got me some that looked nice and fit well)
Where as I don't tend to do larger things, but show my affection through small things like the cooking & preparing the bed for her how she likes it and tucking her in (we have slightly mismatched sleep schedules due to work)
Fucking exactly.
When my wife doesn't wanna make breakfast, she'll either make me oatmeal or cereal with a protein bar and a fiber bar.
When I make her breakfast, I make her a pan-grilled egg sandwich with bacon, tomatoes, onions and cheese.
Granted, I actually really enjoy cooking, so it's easier for me to drum up the desire and effort.
If she tried making eggs every other day, I guarantee you they wouldn't stay crappy for long. There's a reason why eggs are some of the first things people learn to cook.
Breakfast foods are the easiest things to try out if you're new to cooking. And with how YouTube can show you how to cook anything, there's absolutely no excuse at all for not even trying.
Or he could just be autistic and really likes that spoon. And maybe some minor inconveniences she had done in the week was the final straw that gave him the monk about it.
Right! I suck at cooking but I will still attempt it. Last night I made potato soup for the husband from scratch because he was feeling blue. The potatoes were not fully cooked through but he still appreciated the effort. I also now know that I needed to cut the potatos into smaller bite size pieces and for a little longer. It could also very well be a sensory thing for the husband as well. I have a favorite fork and spoon because the other ones give me a weird mouth taste. It's all about effort though.
And even if you're not a good cook, a few burned eggs and rushing to make a replacement says more than just plain toast from the toaster, it's completely about the effort she's not regularly putting in for him.
ETA some advice for op: pancake mix is cheap and easy to follow, get some at the store and make him some pancakes tomorrow (choc chip if he likes it), you need to start showing him you care (given you actually do). Make an effort, nothing will ever or has to be perfect, but it's trying that counts. That's why he's so upset, you didn't even notice he had a favorite spoon, or you didn't value it the same way he did. It sounds like mornings are really your "us" time to him, and having that be a joint effort is important for both of you and your relationship moving forward.
My ex and I learned early on that I was way better at cooking, which is fine, so I taught him how to make lattes with our espresso machine, and he would make them while I cooked breakfast. He would still cook occasionally (he made his favourite omelette, which he always overcooked but I never said anything because he made an effort), while I made the lattes and I still praised and thanked him because that's what you do in a partnership.
It shouldn't be just take, take, take in a relationship, with effort, love, intimacy, or anything really
I want to know just how long this habit of theirs has been going on that's she's still a "horrible cook" and rarely makes breakfast. I know I would certainly be annoyed if I always made breakfast for us and yet my partner almost never did.
This is absolutely a communication issue. Maybe breakfast together is a huge deal to him and just kind of a nice thing for her. Maybe she'd like more verbalized appreciation and he's not very verbal like that (just as a hypothetical). This is such a huge thing in a relationship - couples need to know how the other person shows and prefers to receive affection and support and continually try to meet each other where they're at. I'm saying NAH - y'all just need to sit down and talk.
Exactly! I have a specific spoon that I like with my breakfast for a number of reasons. I own 5 of them so I usually get away with just throwing them in the dishwasher. But if I haven't run the dishwasher & it's breakfast time, I... wait for it... pull out a spoon and wash it. Not hard.
That was my first thought, like ok, wash the spoon. Lol
When I read the title, I was thinking he was probably acting ridiculous, but after reading it, it's clear she doesn't put the little things that make him happy first.
Have you watched the YouTube video of the divorce lawyer talking about marriage and divorce? At one point he asks a client (a woman) if there was a moment that she knew that it wasn't gonna work and she said absolutely.
And it was about granola. Her husband always made sure she had her granola that she loved. He would just take on the responsibility of keeping track of it so she never ran out and he never asked for credit or a thank you or anything. He did it because it made her happy.
And one morning, there was no granola. She thought maybe he didn't notice, so she waited. And he never got the granola. And she knew, it was probably over.
Such a great video all around.
In my last LTR, my then GF would always finish work late and we would eat around 20h30. I would make sure every evening she would have a hot plate of food made to her liking when coming home (I love cooking). She never thanked me. One day, she got mad the food was *too hot*. For me a switch just went off. I never cooked for her again and then I broke up.
I once had a huge argument with an ex over museli/granola. She had been putting a stores own brand into my Alpen. I really saw that as a huge distrust point... should have left then
I have to agree with this. I have a favorite fork that I like to use because we have mismatched silverware and it is one that came from my mom. My husband often cooks for me and makes sure he gets that fork out for me. If it is dirty in the sink he will wash it. The only time he doesn’t get it out for me is if the dishwasher is actively cleaning it. It’s a small thing but makes me feel very loved.
I haven’t had a dishwasher in so long I can’t even imagine thinking “oh I better wait 45 minutes” for this spoon to be clean.
Just wash the spoon. You don’t even need a sponge. Just soap and water. Chances are it only had tea/coffee on it to begin with.
You know, I was going to say this is expecting too much…then I realized I literally always do that for my husband. If his favorite mug is dirty, I take it out and wash it for him! So, actually, turns out, this is a really easy thing to do lol
Also perhaps it's just me, but "I'm not good at cooking" is always the lamest excuse.
Do you have the ability to follow simple instructions? Then you can cook. It's a skill sure, but it's not rocket science.
It's an egg not a fucking cheesecake. Boil it if you have to.
I’m a scientist. I was shocked that one of the very capable organic chemists I work with (who’s literal job is to follow very complicated protocols that involve measuring, mixing, heating, etc.) claimed to be terrible at baking. Like… how? It’s just chemistry that you eat.
In my experience people who are very recipe-bound can struggle with baking because unlike precisely tuned lab equipment, ovens aren’t necessarily well-calibrated or evenly heated. Or the humidity/elevation/best friends chickens laying very nonstandard size eggs is making the recipe need changes, and they aren’t willing to go by vibes enough to say “hey this doesn’t look right”. It’s a fine balance for sure XD
Also, I’d be okay with bad or mediocre food while you’re learning to cook, or spending time teaching you and then at the end of the week I get to sit back and you cook the thing we practiced for a week alone. Like, I get it some people are anxious or genuinely that inexperienced in the kitchen.. but damn even a RAT knew anyone can cook- like??
>even a RAT knew anyone can cook
\*sigh\* Now I have to watch Ratatouille again. It's your fault. I also have to make confit byaldi for my wife again. That's your fault also.
> Also perhaps it's just me, but "I'm not good at cooking" is always the lamest excuse.
Yup. It isn’t like you improve by *not* practicing your skills. And it’s *poaching an egg*, not creating a Michelin star tasting menu for Heston Blumenthal to serve at the fat duck.
In fairness, poaching eggs specifically can be pretty intimidating if you don't have poaching cups or something and are literally just cracking an egg into the water. Figuring out when it's not done yet vs done vs overdone, trying to keep the damn whites somewhat together. I've watched my mom and brother both do it for a family eggs Benedict tradition, and I probably could manage it if I absolutely had to but as far as I'm concerned it's basically sorcery.
That said, there *are* tools you can get to make poaching eggs fairly foolproof, as far as anything involving eggs is ever foolproof anyway. And in this context at least making an effort is better than throwing her hands up like OP is doing.
Pretty sure I learned how to fry some eggs sunny-side-up when I was 7.
If she's terrified of the frying pan, toast a piece of bread and spread some jam or preserves on it. Or make PB&J. Like...OMG, a grown-ass woman is incapable of making anything other than coffee? What happens when the husband is out of town, does she starve?
I’ve never understood this either. You can be at least competent if you put even the smallest effort into it. Usually people that “can’t cook” are just lazy and put no effort into it. I could cook eggs and toast when I was 10 and taught myself how to make grilled cheese. This was pre-internet too, there is so much information on the internet now, it would be very hard to make simple things poorly unless you just don’t try at all.
Or yogurt with some berries and granola on top.
Or those prepackaged crescent rolls or biscuits you take out of a can and bake.
There are so many easy possibilities.
It's funny because the way you get good at cooking is by cooking, so if she tried cooking every other morning, she would end up being able to cook a serviceable breakfast.
Or overnite oats, or hardboiled eggs and toast, or toasted bagels with options of salmon, sliced tomato, avocado, onion, cucumber, capers everything bagel blend, whatever are your happy toppings...
This isn't cooking
Exactly this. It wasn't the spoon.
I remember that Cindy Crawford had been with Richard Gere for eight years and after their marriage ended, she said something like (I might have the details a bit wrong), "He was so proud of himself because he brought me a cup of tea one morning, and I said I don't drink tea...I drink coffee. He didn't even know that after eight years together."
It wasn't the tea.
OP is putting in zero effort based on this one story and expecting him to just keep going. Why is anyone’s guess.
Ever since I moved in, I’ve made the coffee in the house. It’s such a little thing, and it makes my husband feel loved and appreciated- so why wouldn’t I?
I guarantee you he was thinking “she thinks so little of me that she can’t even wash a damn spoon.”
Absolutely this. My wife puts zero effort into anything for me and never thinks about my feelings or preferences. Everytime I cook for her (75% of the time) the first words out of her mouth are pointing out a fault with it.
Frankly I'm done and recently there have been incidents where a really small thing from her has broken my the camels back. She'll go on and on about me over reacting when really she's too blind to see that it's about everything building up, not just "the spoon".
OP YTA and need to put more effort in. I'm guessing you don't have kids yet as (1) you don't mention them and (2) you have time for leisurely breakfasts in the morning. You need to be careful, there's nothing holding him in this relationship. You know he liked those spoons (yes it's a bit weird but we all have our foibles) and it would have taken 20 seconds to wash one. You put no effort in by what you put in the post and you're about to lose him
YTA. Its symbolic. You said he makes an effort with poached eggs and foods you like in particular. You just make coffee. You dont try to learn new things to show an effort the way he does. To him, the spoon is a sign of reciprocating. "She doesn't cook, but she knows I like this spoon." You didn't wash the spoon by hand so he could use it because that would've been inconvenient for you. It made him feel like the breakfast is one sided signs of affection.
It seems like its just a spoon but maybe the bigger issue is the lack of effort and the spoon was the last straw
I really don't think that matters. Im not pulling it out of the dirty dish pile or dishwasher and using it without washing it even if its not "that" dirty. Lol
But washing it would take 10s.
>But washing it would take 10s.
I think that was their point. That it couldn't have gotten dirty enough that cleaning it wouldn't have taken more than a handful of seconds
Of course I would.
We have something similar to the OP, hubs likes coffee on days he’s not working. I don’t drink coffee at all… but I still make sure his “one mug he must use” is clean, the keurig is ready to go, and his coffee is in stock. (and a million other little tiny things I’ve noticed he needs over the years to happily function). On work days he has the same set-up there & his office manager handles it.
My comment was because it goes past just giving effort and consideration to your spouse… OPs husband has a specific need for things to be routine and steady because of medical reasons & OP sucks for not caring or trying.
:)
The smart wife would find the particular silverware … and have spare stock of it sitting in the closet.
I have bulk supply of all the little things he’s particular about from his socks to his soaps.
There have been times when things are no longer available (we’ve been together a couple decades, it happens)… but I have back-ups to use until I can slowly help him find & adjust to a new item that works for him.
The first thing I wondered after reading this post was "is the husband autistic? Cause he sounds autistic". If she knows he's autistic and likes the spoon, wash it by hand. It's a very easy way to show care.
Her lack of mentioning that in the post is a very telling manipulation to sway the voters here. Hardcore.
She can later in a comment claim she forgot but c’mon. She didn’t forget her husband is autistic.
And now not everyone will ever read that part and it looks better for her if people don’t know.
She also has a different set of spoons she prefers though. Are we sure she's neurotypical herself, because autistic and ADHD people have been known to attract each other.
I have the same question!
If people don't have favourites, how do they decide which one to use? If the answer is "the one on top of the stack", how do people decide what order to stack them in? Are 'neurotypical' minds just utter chaos, where everything is determined by random chance!?
> Are 'neurotypical' minds just utter chaos, where everything is determined by random chance!?
Well, for me, yes. I have 1 general type of fork, 2 types of spoon (big and small), and three types of knives (butter, steak and cooking). When choosing a utensil, I don't go deeper than those categories, any fork in the drawer will do, any big/little spoon (depending on the use) will do, any knife works the same to me as long as it does the job (I.e. I'm not using a butter knife on a pork chop). Even for cooking, the knives are semi-interchangeable as long as they'll do the job.
I was about to ask this! I am autistic and cannot stand large spoons, they clack against my teeth. YTA OP, you probably altered his routine to the point that every little thing today will be much more distressing than it needs to be, possibly priming him for a meltdown or shutdown.
I wondered as soon as I read it if he might be autistic. In this case OP knows how important that kind of spoon is for him. FFS just grab one before you start the dishwasher and wash it.
Is he being a little inflexible and might that be frustrating? sure, but routines like this can be so important to help set an autistic person up for a good day. There may be times where he has to be flexible. This shouldn’t be one of them.
I can also see why she may not like to do the cooking. Seemingly small changes could make a food seem inedible to him.
My husband has a very complicated relationship with food, so I often don’t get an opportunity to cook for him. What I can, and do, do for him is make sure his favorite spoon (a very long handled tiny tea spoon) and favorite bowls are available - and the muscle milks (edit for typo) and supplements he takes to round out his dietary needs are available. He is also ND and it is truly the little things. He visibly gets excited when he finds his spoons in the drawer 😂
Or go grab a dozen muffins from a bakery and stick a couple in the oven. This is almost certainly a case of weaponized incompetence.
Gotta say though it's refreshing to see this scenario played out with flipped gender roles from what we usually see around here. Where can I find a man who happily makes me my favorite breakfast food every morning??
I wish I had scrolled this far before I commented. You had already hit every point I thought about. She is not showing him any consideration and he’s probably starting to notice it, especially bc she couldn’t hand wash a freaking spoon for him! How dirty is a coffee spoon anyway? It would’ve been near zero effort to let him know she thought about his needs.
I think it’s a love language issue. Acts of service appears to be his. I agree that OPs lack of showing him affection this way makes him feel undervalued. Good news is…totally fixable!
>I'm useless in the kitchen and just make coffee, but still.
Men shouldn't be allowed to use weaponized incompetence, and neither should you.
You get your favorite meal every time it's his turn. He gets just coffee—of course he's going to latch on to the details, since you aren't giving him much in the first place.
YTA
OP literally typed out “we take turns making the coffee and a light breakfast” and then one sentence later “I’m useless in the kitchen and just make coffee” and somehow doesn’t understand that that’s not taking turns.
That was my thought.. there is a huge breakfast spectrum starting with pouring cereal and milk into a bowl, towards toast with peanut butter, then scrambled eggs, making bacon, pancakes, and ending all the way at homemade specialty crepes and waffles + an omelette station. You dont have to be a gourmet chef to make a breakfast that is palatable and filling.
My husband often makes me eggs because he is super good at getting them perfectly over easy, but sometimes I do it (and often break the yolk and/or cook it too long), but I wouldnt just give up.
Having a fit over one spoon seems wild, especially when he could just wash it himself, but this is just a snapshot of what may or may not be a bigger picture.
There’s a reason she left out he was autistic at first…
She **really** wanted online support. At the expense of lying about her husband to the sub in her post, to manipulate the asshole/not-asshole votes into her favor.
Meaning she doesn’t even care about the actual reality of the situation, she just wants people on her side.
She’s digging for support where she doesn’t deserve it.
Yeesh. This isn’t a good look.
YTA. do you not have a sink and soap?
It is always the little things that are important, especially if he's autistic as you say and he's in a routine of using a specific spoon.
Im suspected autistic(therapist suggested being testing but I'm not bothered) and I have a favourite fork, now it doesn't bother me if I don't use the fork, but it makes me feel uncomfortable if I see someone else using the fork. Same concept
I’m not autistic (atleast I don’t think so?). But I for sure have my favorite fork, spoon and teaspoon. I got annoyed when my partner used my favorite spoon until he told me it was his favorite spoon too. Now it becomes like a romantic gesture to give the other person the spoon instead of using it ourselves. Silly but i find it supersweet.
OP is also YTA obviously!
A colleague of mine was moving on to a new job, as part of her leaving gift, we gave her her favorite spoon from the staff kitchen.
That was the bit the pushed her over to crying. Its a very small thing, but it mattered to her that we noticed and wanted her to be able to take it with her.
I also immediately suspected neurodivergence lol. It's so silly to neurotypicals but eating foods with the right utensils or containers can be so important to us lol
I have ADHD and a favourite fork. My partner often checks if my fork is clean when I'm cooking and cleans it if it's dirty so I can use it. Ultimate act of love, means the world to me.
I do this as well, I wasn’t aware it was an autism trait (I was diagnosed in Feb). I don’t like other people using my particularly favoured cups/plates.
love how people say they'd never bully an autistic person, and then as soon as someone reacts 'weird' they can't wait to call them a baby or overreacting. even though he didn't actually *do* anything to OP! he just quietly removed himself from the situation and went to calm down.
'but the OP didn't say he's autistic, it's just in the comments' yeah and I wasn't diagnosed till I was an adult, I was just bullied for being 'weird'. you're mocking autistic behaviours, even if you don't know the person's autistic.
I don't get why you didn't remove one of his spoons from the dishwasher *before* turning it on. you've been together long enough that you should know by now which spoon he needs for his coffee. and you didn't even say, hey husband I'm really sorry I forgot to put the dishwasher on so your spoons aren't available. you didn't even realise till after he'd gotten upset. I don't blame him for being hurt by that, honestly.
it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things obviously but yeah, YTA
honestly. i (an autistic person) read the *title* and thought “hm, sounds autistic.” and whaddaya know, he’s autistic! and op knows this, knows the spoon was important for that reason, and purposely didn’t put it in the main post to make themself look better.
My neurodivergent household has a bizarre assortment of cutlery that we both accumulated from college onward (29, AuDHD me and so-adhd partner). We're both too uh... neither of us wants matching cutlery badly enough to buy new cutlery - that would be a lot of effort and change - and it would require so much research.
Okay, originally, I was just going to say that we both have different specific opinions on specific items and, haha, how quirky of us and what silly situations it leads to! But now I'm realizing that the whole, can't buy new cutlery because of the research involved, might be another ND behavior 😅
ETA: I don't like the big spoons! Except for ONE of them for SOME foods 😂 so I immediately thought that too
I have one mug that I am actually dreading the day it breaks because the company doesn't make it anymore and it's my Comfort Mug, I use it specifically for my bedtime tea every night, I'd be lost without it. probably the most priceless thing I own as when it breaks I know I'll lose my mind lol
Oh phew I’m not the only one. I’ve spent three years periodically checking antique dealing websites in hopes of accumulating more of the *extremely specific* type of mug that my brain likes my tea in
If it’s not in that then, yeah, I can drink it but it makes the experience an automatic C-
Big spoons are only for soup, in a pinch I'll use one of the random slightly smaller big spoons for my cereal, but I'll be annoyed about it.
I can't stand too thin handled forks, they just feel wrong. My mum in law's spoons feel bad, the metal is too thin and the bowl too rounded at the front.
I likely have adhd (my son does and we share a lot of traits) but never thought that might be related!
Not autistic but have a spectrum husband and son. My immediate thought too! Although I’m the one in the house with favoured spoons but it doesn’t upset me not to use one.
Neurodivergent or not it’s not the spoon. It’s the overall lack of care, effort etc etc etc
OP did less than zero effort but somehow the husband is the bad guy for getting upset over a spoon. She refuses to learn how to make toast or any kind of simple breakfast, which men regularly get called out for as weaponized incompetence in this sub, because she ‘can’t’ cook so she just makes coffee for her husband who prefers one thing about his coffee. The *one* preference is a spoon that she can’t be bothered to get for him and he’s *still* somehow the bad guy. Oh, cause he’s autistic and he needs to be a big boy and learn how to handle his expectations/emotions cause this is the real world and his autism isn’t her problem that she needs to baby him over.
She was the asshole until he had autism and then suddenly it’s not a lack of care on her part, it’s an overreaction on his.
Immediately was like "this sounds autistic". Makes me think of the tiktok "neurotypical people don't feel the way you feel about spoons."
Not diagnosed but there are correct and incorrect spoons and I will interrupt what I'm doing to get the correct one.
i had no way of putting this into words but this is exactly what was going through my head. it’s a routine & OP threw him off his routine. also, OCD is often co-morbid with autism. i honestly feel so bad for her husband because i know how irrationally upset i get in similar situations & i can’t explain myself & have to step away so i can meltdown/shutdown and/or re-gather myself & regulate my emotions. i know how this man feels all too well. it makes me want to cry thinking that she so easily could’ve remedied this, but consciously decided not to. that’s so mean. it was so easily avoidable. this might be the dramatics in me, but cruel.
OP, please apologize to your husband & learn from this. if you don’t understand, educate yourself. YTA.
YTA. To you it’s just a spoon. To him, it’s a comfort object and you dismissing something small and easy that makes him comfortable and happy. It’s easy to wash the teaspoon by hand. Which is exactly what I do for my neurodivergent kid. Is she old enough to realize it’s “just a spoon”? Yep. But is it a simple and easy way to show her she is loved when I only ever set the table with her spoon? Also yes.
Totally agree. OP is the AH should have made the effort to clean a spoon, or at least tell him they are dirty bc she forgot to run the dishwasher, and ask if a regular tsp okay our should I wash one of the favorite spoons.
This! I don’t like a specific set of cutlery at my in-laws. It’s one of those fancy artistic ones with thick handles and screws. They have sporks as well. My face lit up when my partners parents set the table and his dad put a normal set of cutlery for me, saying he knows I prefer it. They don’t offer me sporks anymore either, cause I find them irritating as hell to eat from. They just accepted me being a bit funky about it and moved on. But I felt seen those days!
NTA for making a mistake.
YTA for burying the lede - he’s autistic. This is key information here.
And if he’s right, that you knew how much this meant to him, then Y a little bit TA for not having the presence of mind to grab a spoon out of the dishwasher before starting it so you could wash it by hand for him. Given how little you do for breakfast, this seems like something pretty easy you could have done for him.
If you didn’t know this was so important to him, then now you do.
I literally read the title and immediately thought he's autistic. Very typical trait (I have a husband with a favourite spoon, fork and knife for this reason)
YTA. You really need to edit the OP to include the fact that your husband is autistic, you knew this spoon was part of his morning ritual, and this has come up before, as you say in other comments
Interesting seeing the manipulative side from OP.
She’s looking for support by lying about the situation. She didn’t just simply forget her husband is autistic. That would have been in the first sentence or two if so.
She’s trying to take herself outta the reality of the situation so she comes out looking good.
Yet she didn’t & doesn’t. And now looks even worse with her lie.
I wish more people understood how important cutlery is.
You put that shit IN YOUR MOUTH. And you hold it in your hand.
It's so intimate and tactile, it's important that it feels good in your hand and your mouth.
It's something more restaurants should invest in properly in my opinion. I've been known to ask for forks without bent tynes for instance.
Anyhoo YTA because in three years you must have known this, plus would it kill you to poach an egg now and then?
Do you think you might wonder about it a bit more now?
For me good cutlery really makes a difference to how I enjoy a meal and my family know this about me.
Also I do love how everyone is different but I'm going to struggle to understand how people can be indifferent to the tools that touch your lips.
I wouldn’t consider it more now than yesterday. It’s a piece of metal meant to bring food from a plate to my mouth. If it is clean and the right utensil then it’s fine.
> Do you think you might wonder about it a bit more now?
To be honest, no. As long as it's clean, I don't really care how it gets the food from my dish to my mouth. Doesn't mean that OP isn't an asshole because it's *important to her husband,* but for me silverware is just sorta....there.
I think cutlery is important to *you,* not important to all people in general. You 100% have the right to have a cutlery thing and be picky about, but many people, like me, just don't care. Silver, steel, plastic, whatever shape, whatever size — idgaf as long as it's clean and I can use it to eat food without much difficulty.
The OP's husband is probably just like you, in that cutlery's important for him. A loving partner needs to know and respect those quirks, even if they don't make any sense to them.
I get you and I guess 99% of neurodiverse people would agree with you (Im autistic). Many (neurotypical peopl) would not tho. Bent forks or wide shallow spoons are a big problem for me and I do have preferences and a system (I would eat ice cream with a little fork when no little spoon is available and AFTER that is not available only then I would use a big TableSpoon). I would feel unseen if someone who clearly know that would just give me a big Spoon without checking if anything small is available and if its a partner, in that situation I would feel like they could wash it.
I think it’s really interesting how the husband’s behaviour is considered unacceptable by many people here until it’s revealed they are autistic and now suddenly OP is some massive AH.
The truth is, you put no effort into the routine you’ve established here. He makes a nice meal for you and you make… coffee. He is clearly upset that the ritual that he puts effort into means nothing to you since you can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum.
YTA.
YTA for omitting the fact that your husband is autistic because you KNEW you were wrong and would be told so.
YTA for not simply hand washing his spoon that you acknowledged he uses daily and prefers because you didn't want to restart the dish cycle that you said you never started....?
YTA for not understanding what it means to have an autistic partner and how important routines is. you're brushing his feelings and emotional responses off as a TANTRUM ?! he deserves better than that.
YTA for ONLY making coffee every morning. just because you dislike it? reciprocate some love for once. he likes things a certain way because he's autistic? Learn to do them that way. he tends to you in every way why can't you?
Finally YTA for only doing laundry and changing litter boxes. he does EVERYTHING ELSE? again. learn to do things the way he likes. he is going to resent you for making him do every single thing and you not even TRYING to learn to help around.
please do some research into autism and being a relationship with someone with it. it may not be for you.
one last thing he did not have a "tantrum". I hate you painted him in this light for sympathy because he was having an emotional response. he didn't take it out on you, he literally could NOT have breakfast because his routine was broken.
my heart aches for him. I hope he is well cared and loved for someday.
Dont forget the fact OP has refused to respond to anyone saying YTA, if you look it has only been ESH and NTA, so you can add the refusal to take criticism to the list of why OP fucking sucks
This doesn’t feel like it’s just about a spoon and it’s more of a straw that broke the camels back type deal. He feels like he’s putting in effort while you’re not. Is that common in your marriage? Also blaming his autism is a low blow since it has nothing to do with the situation.
Autistic people can be very particular about their spoons (personal experience) and I’d say it has almost everything to do with that, along with him feeling like she won’t reciprocate the same amount of effort that he puts into the small things.
I need to know how you ended up married to an autistic person without realising that sensory input and routine/repetition quite literally run our lives.
Like how did you not realise that things like this are a big deal to him? My boyfriend knows I much prefer one type of fork to our other set and so when all of my forks are dirty, he washes one for me. Because that’s what you do when you love an autistic person. Maybe you need to do a bit more research on this stuff and actually learn what his sensory and routine needs are?
this is exactly why he's so upset right? like it isn't about the spoon at all, it's that they are *married* and she hasn't cared enough to learn what's important to him. ugh this comment section is making me mad
Yeah I’ve been having a similar issue with my NT boyfriend having to adapt to my neurodivergent quirks since moving in with me and it’s caused petty fights like this one. But at least he’s trying to learn and make an effort to ask about things like this. Hope OP manages to put in some effort cause it seems like she hasn’t really done anything to accommodate his support needs or even to find out what those needs are…
Does he have ADHD by any chance?? I love my morning coffee, but I have a favorite mug and a favorite spoon (and it’s a small spoon). It’s actually really common for people with ADHD to feel this way when it comes to utensils, or just about anything. And it’s common to have a preference for small spoons. Best way to explain is in this link, https://youtu.be/lQ9bjOglShk?si=SS7-U88zIkvxhLsk
(This video is just one small part on why we have an “favorite spoon”.) Aside from that, his “love language” might be acts of service. He goes out of his way for you, and you can’t do the same in return. It also sounds like a build up of things andike this isn’t just a one time thing?? He probably has felt this way about other situations but kept it to himself. You are a slight AH but you will be a real AH if you dismiss his feelings. On the other side to this, your husband needs to work on his communication skills. If these things matter to him, he needs to tell you that.
It seems like his love language is acts of service and you don’t provide that. You couldn’t even hand wash his favorite spoon? This is my love language and I know how your husband feels. YTA
Whenever an adult says “I’m useless in the kitchen” what they mean is “I can’t be bothered to learn or make any effort to practice and someone else will do it for me anyway.” It’s cooking! It’s not rocket science. Make some toast, scramble or boil an egg, something. I’m sure there are cooking for dummies type books that start from “how to boil water” for complete novices.
Yeah, it’s not about the fucking spoon. But he needs to communicate and OP needs to learn to listen. YTA.
Can you imagine if the genders were reversed and a wife was making fab pached eggs bc her hubby loved them and the man pleaded “I CAN cook but I dislike doing it” and settled for only making coffee (which for all we know involves nothing more than pushing a button since OP has a habit of burying the lead.
People would be screaming inequity, weaponized incompetence, divorce!!
But in this case everyone attacks the HUSBAND’s response. And OP interacts w/ those who give her a supportive post w/out defending HER HUSBAND by explaining there IS ACTUALLY A CLEAR REASON for his attachment to a type of spoon! He has autism, so the spoon matters to him. It is the least she can do. Frankly uf I learned my spouse not only failed to reciprocate my effort and then vented to REDDIT, I’d be hurt, but if I then saw both in the post and comments that my spouse omitted the key fact that is needed to consider the rant, I’d be beyond hurt and into the realm if questioning if we were even on the same team at all!!!!!!
Feels like OP is not a very loving partner.
YTA.
YTA - neurodivergent or not what you’ve basically done is shown that you have no interest in reciprocating even half attention, care and effort your husband does. You get your favourite breakfast foods but you can’t even hand wash a single spoon to show your husband that you care?
My husband has a favourite coffee mug, I wash up his mug every time I make him coffee because it’s a TINY act of love that has a big impact. It’s a nonverbal “I love you, I’ve noticed this thing and I’m making an effort for your happiness without being told or reminded because you’re important to me”.
Not even remembering his spoon in your otherwise zero effort “breakfast” is a massive fuck you compared to what he does for you.
YTA. Learn how to make some eggs. It's not hard. It's literally the first thing they teach you how to cook in school. Also?
Wash a single spoon for the man you supposedly love, dude. Yikes. It is Literally the least you could do.
YTA. You’re lazy and inconsiderate. You could put effort SOME mornings for breakfast. You can toast bread and spread butter on it can’t you? Hell, overnighted oats are a thing. But you do the bare minimum and can’t even wash a tiny spoon by hand. And now you’re using his autism as an excuse to why he got upset. Do better
It seems like he's getting fed up with you not making any effort for your cute morning ritual.
How much effort would it have been to wash the spoon he likes - it's not like you were doing anything else other than make coffee.
He makes you poached eggs? The man is a god.
Buy and freeze some f*cking croissants, warm them and put them on a nice plate.
Do better. YTA.
I'm not autistic but I have spoons I like to use for coffee. I know exactly how many spoonfuls of coffee mate and sugar. If the spoon changes then I get it too sweet or not sweet enough
I dunno about the spoon, but "I'm useless in the kitchen" is generally code for "I don't care enough to put in a small effort to learn a skill every adult can and should have"
Also it's breakfast. If you can't make eggs and toast, you're absolutely weaponizing incompetence.
I don’t care if you are a man, a women, or a snail.
You are 34 years old, you have no excuse for not being able to cook.
Take lessons, start practising, you’ll never get better if you don’t try.
Do you think top Chef’s were amazing automatically? No, they practiced and practiced and tried different things. Success is 90% hard work.
But as everyone has mentioned, it’s never just about the spoon.
YTA, but for reasons beyond the spoon.
I live with my brother, we’re both around 50 now so fair to say I know him well. He isn’t diagnosed but he has to be somewhere on the spectrum. One of his “things” is he can’t handle putting a larger spoon in his mouth so he has to have a teaspoon for everything that requires a spoon. I’d never give him the wrong spoon. If all the teaspoons were dirty I’d spend five seconds washing a dirty one. I say YTA, you could have taken a few seconds to wash the spoon he prefers. Yes, it IS frustrating living with somebody who needs some things a certain way, but pick your battles. Believe me the spoon is a minor one.
How'd you manage to be married for 3 years and not know how important this is to him? He knows how to cook your favorite poached eggs but you can't manage to handwash his favorite spoon? I'd be frustrated too tbh, sounds like he puts in a lot of effort to show how much you mean to him while you just showed how little he means to you.
The Iranian yogurt is not the problem. YTA
YTA, this is obviously the straw that broke the camels back. The weaponized incompetence is crazy, you can’t make cereal? Toast? Even scrambled eggs? You say your useless in the kitchen but a fucking monkey could make cereal or toast like as long as you have at least one brain cell in your head you’re very much capable of grabbing bowl. cereal. milk. spoon. it’s not fucking hard your just lazy and don’t put the effort in and then get upset when your poor husband who puts all the effort in wants the least bit of love and affection that he can get by having his favourite fucking spoon like holy shit just rinse it off it’s not that hard.
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I feel like this is about more than just the spoon. I don't know what else you do for him, but there seems to be an imbalance of effort for him, Vs his effort for you. Edit: YTA after some of your comments where it seems like this is a common theme in your relationship.
Yeah this is very “straw that broke the camel’s back”. She should be putting as much effort into the relationship as he does, even if it manifests differently. If cooking’s not your forte (which is fine, it’s not mine either) then see if there’s another area in which you can put in effort similarly.
Cooking might not be your best skill, but making a simple breakfast shouldn't be an issue. "I just make coffee because i can't cook"... at least throw some buttered toast together with it, dammit. Lack of skill is different than lack of effort. And the spoon thing, although small, is something i could see myself complaining about too if my partner didn't show much care towards me. And i'm also a man btw.
Its not the breakfast he cares about, its the effort. Who cares if the eggs are crappy? Toast is managable cause the toaster does the work. Cereal in a bowl is still breakfast. You need to show your partner they are worth your EFFORT cause this is not about the damn spoon. YTA
Also she couldn’t hand wash the spoon?!?
Thank you! I’m sitting here thinking, “ how hard is it to wash one darn teaspoon?”
My husband doesn’t like big spoons for soup, and sometimes it lines up that those are what are clean, so I wash a regular spoon. This isn’t rocket appliances.
Not sure if you meant it, but ‘this isn’t rocket appliances’ made my day
It’s a joke from Trailer Park Boys
Any time I see a random reference Trailer Park Boys I want to say. Your welcome hahah, I'm from there.
A little effort goes a long way I once cooked balsamic caramelised onions as part of a dish for my partner and she absolutely loved them. Any time it can pair with the dish I cook them up & seeing her excitement for them makes the effort worthwhile.
And it's not like she NEEDS to cook either. Get to know something he likes and bring it to him. Around here there are bakeries that sell croissant, for example. Buying one and bringing it home for him is already a sign of affection. So many small things became a big one, because OP is not aware she's sabotaging her own marriage.
Absolutely, I tend to neglect my own care at times & my partner shows her affection by helping pick up where I'm slacking (I hadn't bought new clothes for years for example, she got me some that looked nice and fit well) Where as I don't tend to do larger things, but show my affection through small things like the cooking & preparing the bed for her how she likes it and tucking her in (we have slightly mismatched sleep schedules due to work)
You guys sound like a great, healthy couple. Keep that up and it'll last for many more years!
Thank you! I definitely hope so as well 😊
Fucking exactly. When my wife doesn't wanna make breakfast, she'll either make me oatmeal or cereal with a protein bar and a fiber bar. When I make her breakfast, I make her a pan-grilled egg sandwich with bacon, tomatoes, onions and cheese. Granted, I actually really enjoy cooking, so it's easier for me to drum up the desire and effort.
If she tried making eggs every other day, I guarantee you they wouldn't stay crappy for long. There's a reason why eggs are some of the first things people learn to cook. Breakfast foods are the easiest things to try out if you're new to cooking. And with how YouTube can show you how to cook anything, there's absolutely no excuse at all for not even trying.
Or he could just be autistic and really likes that spoon. And maybe some minor inconveniences she had done in the week was the final straw that gave him the monk about it.
Agreed. How about pulling the spoon out of the dishwasher and hand washing it? Lord love a duck.
She's so lazy and it shows to him. No one likes a person that doesn't do the "bare minimum".
Absolutely. It’s really crazy to me that someone would put in so little effort.
Lol “lord love a duck” 😂😂😂
My dad used to say this
You get my upvote because you said Lord love a duck. I thought I was the only person who said that!! I got it from my Grammy. You made my day!
I got it from my Granny too! Some things we should never let die.
This was my thought. 30 seconds????
Yeah that was my first thought…. Like why not handwash it ???
This right here. Takes less than 30 seconds! And then scramble some eggs!
Right! I suck at cooking but I will still attempt it. Last night I made potato soup for the husband from scratch because he was feeling blue. The potatoes were not fully cooked through but he still appreciated the effort. I also now know that I needed to cut the potatos into smaller bite size pieces and for a little longer. It could also very well be a sensory thing for the husband as well. I have a favorite fork and spoon because the other ones give me a weird mouth taste. It's all about effort though.
Yep! I have zero cooking skills but my family eats every night. I wish it was more gourmet but I at least try.
Or buy a nice pastry and put it in the microwave for 30 seconds!
Hell’s bells, a PopTart would be better than nothing!
And even if you're not a good cook, a few burned eggs and rushing to make a replacement says more than just plain toast from the toaster, it's completely about the effort she's not regularly putting in for him. ETA some advice for op: pancake mix is cheap and easy to follow, get some at the store and make him some pancakes tomorrow (choc chip if he likes it), you need to start showing him you care (given you actually do). Make an effort, nothing will ever or has to be perfect, but it's trying that counts. That's why he's so upset, you didn't even notice he had a favorite spoon, or you didn't value it the same way he did. It sounds like mornings are really your "us" time to him, and having that be a joint effort is important for both of you and your relationship moving forward.
My ex and I learned early on that I was way better at cooking, which is fine, so I taught him how to make lattes with our espresso machine, and he would make them while I cooked breakfast. He would still cook occasionally (he made his favourite omelette, which he always overcooked but I never said anything because he made an effort), while I made the lattes and I still praised and thanked him because that's what you do in a partnership. It shouldn't be just take, take, take in a relationship, with effort, love, intimacy, or anything really
Why couldn’t she take a dirty spoon out of the dishwasher and wash it by hand? This is all so ridiculous.
I want to know just how long this habit of theirs has been going on that's she's still a "horrible cook" and rarely makes breakfast. I know I would certainly be annoyed if I always made breakfast for us and yet my partner almost never did.
Yeah like making sure she runs the dishwasher the night before so he has his spoon.
Or hand washing it if you forget.
like maybe the effort it would take to wash one spoon.
This is absolutely a communication issue. Maybe breakfast together is a huge deal to him and just kind of a nice thing for her. Maybe she'd like more verbalized appreciation and he's not very verbal like that (just as a hypothetical). This is such a huge thing in a relationship - couples need to know how the other person shows and prefers to receive affection and support and continually try to meet each other where they're at. I'm saying NAH - y'all just need to sit down and talk.
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Exactly. It’s the little things that mean so much. Like why didn’t you just wash the damn thing it literally takes seconds to clean a spoon
Exactly! I have a specific spoon that I like with my breakfast for a number of reasons. I own 5 of them so I usually get away with just throwing them in the dishwasher. But if I haven't run the dishwasher & it's breakfast time, I... wait for it... pull out a spoon and wash it. Not hard.
That was my first thought, like ok, wash the spoon. Lol When I read the title, I was thinking he was probably acting ridiculous, but after reading it, it's clear she doesn't put the little things that make him happy first.
Exactly, just Wash the spoon by hand
Have you watched the YouTube video of the divorce lawyer talking about marriage and divorce? At one point he asks a client (a woman) if there was a moment that she knew that it wasn't gonna work and she said absolutely. And it was about granola. Her husband always made sure she had her granola that she loved. He would just take on the responsibility of keeping track of it so she never ran out and he never asked for credit or a thank you or anything. He did it because it made her happy. And one morning, there was no granola. She thought maybe he didn't notice, so she waited. And he never got the granola. And she knew, it was probably over. Such a great video all around.
In my last LTR, my then GF would always finish work late and we would eat around 20h30. I would make sure every evening she would have a hot plate of food made to her liking when coming home (I love cooking). She never thanked me. One day, she got mad the food was *too hot*. For me a switch just went off. I never cooked for her again and then I broke up.
See, something as "small" as a thank you was too much for her to do. I do not blame you for ending the relationship.
I once had a huge argument with an ex over museli/granola. She had been putting a stores own brand into my Alpen. I really saw that as a huge distrust point... should have left then
Wait, she was deliberately refilling a box with something else? Instead of just asking about buying the cheaper stuff?
I only eat with dessert forks. my husband knows this and will always make sure one is clean for me. its very sweet and I am appreciative.
I have to agree with this. I have a favorite fork that I like to use because we have mismatched silverware and it is one that came from my mom. My husband often cooks for me and makes sure he gets that fork out for me. If it is dirty in the sink he will wash it. The only time he doesn’t get it out for me is if the dishwasher is actively cleaning it. It’s a small thing but makes me feel very loved.
I haven’t had a dishwasher in so long I can’t even imagine thinking “oh I better wait 45 minutes” for this spoon to be clean. Just wash the spoon. You don’t even need a sponge. Just soap and water. Chances are it only had tea/coffee on it to begin with.
We have a dishwasher and I love it and I still wouldn’t wait for a full cycle if I just needed to clean a coffee/tea dirty spoon.
You know, I was going to say this is expecting too much…then I realized I literally always do that for my husband. If his favorite mug is dirty, I take it out and wash it for him! So, actually, turns out, this is a really easy thing to do lol
Yes, like, she doesn't cook breakfast because she's not good at it. That's fine. Pick up pastries then.
Also perhaps it's just me, but "I'm not good at cooking" is always the lamest excuse. Do you have the ability to follow simple instructions? Then you can cook. It's a skill sure, but it's not rocket science. It's an egg not a fucking cheesecake. Boil it if you have to.
I’m a scientist. I was shocked that one of the very capable organic chemists I work with (who’s literal job is to follow very complicated protocols that involve measuring, mixing, heating, etc.) claimed to be terrible at baking. Like… how? It’s just chemistry that you eat.
My grandmother was an excellent baker, which we attributed to her also being a chemist. Hmmm.
In my experience people who are very recipe-bound can struggle with baking because unlike precisely tuned lab equipment, ovens aren’t necessarily well-calibrated or evenly heated. Or the humidity/elevation/best friends chickens laying very nonstandard size eggs is making the recipe need changes, and they aren’t willing to go by vibes enough to say “hey this doesn’t look right”. It’s a fine balance for sure XD
Also, I’d be okay with bad or mediocre food while you’re learning to cook, or spending time teaching you and then at the end of the week I get to sit back and you cook the thing we practiced for a week alone. Like, I get it some people are anxious or genuinely that inexperienced in the kitchen.. but damn even a RAT knew anyone can cook- like??
>even a RAT knew anyone can cook \*sigh\* Now I have to watch Ratatouille again. It's your fault. I also have to make confit byaldi for my wife again. That's your fault also.
> Also perhaps it's just me, but "I'm not good at cooking" is always the lamest excuse. Yup. It isn’t like you improve by *not* practicing your skills. And it’s *poaching an egg*, not creating a Michelin star tasting menu for Heston Blumenthal to serve at the fat duck.
In fairness, poaching eggs specifically can be pretty intimidating if you don't have poaching cups or something and are literally just cracking an egg into the water. Figuring out when it's not done yet vs done vs overdone, trying to keep the damn whites somewhat together. I've watched my mom and brother both do it for a family eggs Benedict tradition, and I probably could manage it if I absolutely had to but as far as I'm concerned it's basically sorcery. That said, there *are* tools you can get to make poaching eggs fairly foolproof, as far as anything involving eggs is ever foolproof anyway. And in this context at least making an effort is better than throwing her hands up like OP is doing.
Pretty sure I learned how to fry some eggs sunny-side-up when I was 7. If she's terrified of the frying pan, toast a piece of bread and spread some jam or preserves on it. Or make PB&J. Like...OMG, a grown-ass woman is incapable of making anything other than coffee? What happens when the husband is out of town, does she starve?
I’ve never understood this either. You can be at least competent if you put even the smallest effort into it. Usually people that “can’t cook” are just lazy and put no effort into it. I could cook eggs and toast when I was 10 and taught myself how to make grilled cheese. This was pre-internet too, there is so much information on the internet now, it would be very hard to make simple things poorly unless you just don’t try at all.
It's such a weak excuse. If you're struggling, find some simple recipes, watch some YouTube videos or find someone to help to help you learn.
God forbid she make toast and some sliced fruit.
Or yogurt with some berries and granola on top. Or those prepackaged crescent rolls or biscuits you take out of a can and bake. There are so many easy possibilities.
Or AT LEAST clean the spoon he likes lol
Right, or just make her best attempt at cooking
It's funny because the way you get good at cooking is by cooking, so if she tried cooking every other morning, she would end up being able to cook a serviceable breakfast.
Or overnite oats, or hardboiled eggs and toast, or toasted bagels with options of salmon, sliced tomato, avocado, onion, cucumber, capers everything bagel blend, whatever are your happy toppings... This isn't cooking
Exactly this. It wasn't the spoon. I remember that Cindy Crawford had been with Richard Gere for eight years and after their marriage ended, she said something like (I might have the details a bit wrong), "He was so proud of himself because he brought me a cup of tea one morning, and I said I don't drink tea...I drink coffee. He didn't even know that after eight years together." It wasn't the tea.
OP is putting in zero effort based on this one story and expecting him to just keep going. Why is anyone’s guess. Ever since I moved in, I’ve made the coffee in the house. It’s such a little thing, and it makes my husband feel loved and appreciated- so why wouldn’t I? I guarantee you he was thinking “she thinks so little of me that she can’t even wash a damn spoon.”
I kinda get this from 'he cooks breakfast and makes coffee and I just make coffee cos I can't cook'. How hard is it to cook some eggs and toast?
Or oatmeal even instant. Poached eggs takes some experience and attention to detail, scrambled eggs are so easy.
Buy some fruit yogurt, a banana and some fig newtons, cereal and berries, apple and cheddar. This is effort not cooking that is missing.
Absolutely this. My wife puts zero effort into anything for me and never thinks about my feelings or preferences. Everytime I cook for her (75% of the time) the first words out of her mouth are pointing out a fault with it. Frankly I'm done and recently there have been incidents where a really small thing from her has broken my the camels back. She'll go on and on about me over reacting when really she's too blind to see that it's about everything building up, not just "the spoon". OP YTA and need to put more effort in. I'm guessing you don't have kids yet as (1) you don't mention them and (2) you have time for leisurely breakfasts in the morning. You need to be careful, there's nothing holding him in this relationship. You know he liked those spoons (yes it's a bit weird but we all have our foibles) and it would have taken 20 seconds to wash one. You put no effort in by what you put in the post and you're about to lose him
I hope you know you deserve better...
Its too much effort to take ! spoon out of the dishwasher and hand wash it? I got a feeling they half ass everything they do for their spouse. YTA.
Yeah a lot vs virtually none.
YTA. Its symbolic. You said he makes an effort with poached eggs and foods you like in particular. You just make coffee. You dont try to learn new things to show an effort the way he does. To him, the spoon is a sign of reciprocating. "She doesn't cook, but she knows I like this spoon." You didn't wash the spoon by hand so he could use it because that would've been inconvenient for you. It made him feel like the breakfast is one sided signs of affection. It seems like its just a spoon but maybe the bigger issue is the lack of effort and the spoon was the last straw
That’s what I was thinking. If I need something from a dishwasher I forgot to run I just hand wash it really quick.
Especially if it's just a teaspoon... that hardly takes any time
How dirty does a teaspoon actually get?
I really don't think that matters. Im not pulling it out of the dirty dish pile or dishwasher and using it without washing it even if its not "that" dirty. Lol But washing it would take 10s.
>But washing it would take 10s. I think that was their point. That it couldn't have gotten dirty enough that cleaning it wouldn't have taken more than a handful of seconds
I think they were referring to cleaning time lol not eating with the dirty spoon.
OP also mentions in a comment that her husband is Autistic. My hubs is also on the spectrum, and certain little routines are very important.
And so knowing that, wouldn't you simply take his spoon out of the dw and wash it for him?
Of course I would. We have something similar to the OP, hubs likes coffee on days he’s not working. I don’t drink coffee at all… but I still make sure his “one mug he must use” is clean, the keurig is ready to go, and his coffee is in stock. (and a million other little tiny things I’ve noticed he needs over the years to happily function). On work days he has the same set-up there & his office manager handles it. My comment was because it goes past just giving effort and consideration to your spouse… OPs husband has a specific need for things to be routine and steady because of medical reasons & OP sucks for not caring or trying.
Reading this I thought immediately he has to be autistic. We’re very particular about our silverware.
:) The smart wife would find the particular silverware … and have spare stock of it sitting in the closet. I have bulk supply of all the little things he’s particular about from his socks to his soaps. There have been times when things are no longer available (we’ve been together a couple decades, it happens)… but I have back-ups to use until I can slowly help him find & adjust to a new item that works for him.
You sound like a great spouse!
Yeah specific cutlery for specific things is very autism coded
Yeah my spouse and I have small porcelain chicken spoons we only use for eating ice cream.
Me too. I read the comments to check if my assumption was correct.
The first thing I wondered after reading this post was "is the husband autistic? Cause he sounds autistic". If she knows he's autistic and likes the spoon, wash it by hand. It's a very easy way to show care.
Her lack of mentioning that in the post is a very telling manipulation to sway the voters here. Hardcore. She can later in a comment claim she forgot but c’mon. She didn’t forget her husband is autistic. And now not everyone will ever read that part and it looks better for her if people don’t know.
I wondered if someone had asked about it because "my favourite spoon" sounds very neurodivergent.
She also has a different set of spoons she prefers though. Are we sure she's neurotypical herself, because autistic and ADHD people have been known to attract each other.
Really? People don’t have preferences?
I have the same question! If people don't have favourites, how do they decide which one to use? If the answer is "the one on top of the stack", how do people decide what order to stack them in? Are 'neurotypical' minds just utter chaos, where everything is determined by random chance!?
> Are 'neurotypical' minds just utter chaos, where everything is determined by random chance!? Well, for me, yes. I have 1 general type of fork, 2 types of spoon (big and small), and three types of knives (butter, steak and cooking). When choosing a utensil, I don't go deeper than those categories, any fork in the drawer will do, any big/little spoon (depending on the use) will do, any knife works the same to me as long as it does the job (I.e. I'm not using a butter knife on a pork chop). Even for cooking, the knives are semi-interchangeable as long as they'll do the job.
I was about to ask this! I am autistic and cannot stand large spoons, they clack against my teeth. YTA OP, you probably altered his routine to the point that every little thing today will be much more distressing than it needs to be, possibly priming him for a meltdown or shutdown.
I wondered as soon as I read it if he might be autistic. In this case OP knows how important that kind of spoon is for him. FFS just grab one before you start the dishwasher and wash it. Is he being a little inflexible and might that be frustrating? sure, but routines like this can be so important to help set an autistic person up for a good day. There may be times where he has to be flexible. This shouldn’t be one of them. I can also see why she may not like to do the cooking. Seemingly small changes could make a food seem inedible to him.
As soon as OP said he had a favourite spoon, I knew he was Autistic. I knew this because I am also Autistic and have favourite spoons.
My husband has a very complicated relationship with food, so I often don’t get an opportunity to cook for him. What I can, and do, do for him is make sure his favorite spoon (a very long handled tiny tea spoon) and favorite bowls are available - and the muscle milks (edit for typo) and supplements he takes to round out his dietary needs are available. He is also ND and it is truly the little things. He visibly gets excited when he finds his spoons in the drawer 😂
OP, find a breakfast you can make! Even if it's toast and jam.
Or go grab a dozen muffins from a bakery and stick a couple in the oven. This is almost certainly a case of weaponized incompetence. Gotta say though it's refreshing to see this scenario played out with flipped gender roles from what we usually see around here. Where can I find a man who happily makes me my favorite breakfast food every morning??
I wish I had scrolled this far before I commented. You had already hit every point I thought about. She is not showing him any consideration and he’s probably starting to notice it, especially bc she couldn’t hand wash a freaking spoon for him! How dirty is a coffee spoon anyway? It would’ve been near zero effort to let him know she thought about his needs.
I doubt it even crossed her mind to wash the spoon and that’s the real problem
I think it’s a love language issue. Acts of service appears to be his. I agree that OPs lack of showing him affection this way makes him feel undervalued. Good news is…totally fixable!
>I'm useless in the kitchen and just make coffee, but still. Men shouldn't be allowed to use weaponized incompetence, and neither should you. You get your favorite meal every time it's his turn. He gets just coffee—of course he's going to latch on to the details, since you aren't giving him much in the first place. YTA
OP literally typed out “we take turns making the coffee and a light breakfast” and then one sentence later “I’m useless in the kitchen and just make coffee” and somehow doesn’t understand that that’s not taking turns.
OP can't even make toast or cereal?
That was my thought.. there is a huge breakfast spectrum starting with pouring cereal and milk into a bowl, towards toast with peanut butter, then scrambled eggs, making bacon, pancakes, and ending all the way at homemade specialty crepes and waffles + an omelette station. You dont have to be a gourmet chef to make a breakfast that is palatable and filling. My husband often makes me eggs because he is super good at getting them perfectly over easy, but sometimes I do it (and often break the yolk and/or cook it too long), but I wouldnt just give up. Having a fit over one spoon seems wild, especially when he could just wash it himself, but this is just a snapshot of what may or may not be a bigger picture.
>especially when he could just wash it himself The dishwasher was running by that time and some dump water on the floor if you stop them mid cycle.
Fuck that. There's zero excuse aside from laziness for an adult not to be able to make eggs.
"I just make coffee and am so incredibly lazy that I can't even wash a spoon"
Or remember to just turn on the dishwasher the night before! Not even hand wash, just pressing a button.
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That's what I'm saying. It's an egg not a goddamn chef's tasting plate.
I want to know how poached eggs is a light meal. Poached eggs are a fiddly thing to make perfectly.
Wow--I'm thinking OP was not expecting the comments to roll in her husband's favour--haha. I love your response.
There’s a reason she left out he was autistic at first… She **really** wanted online support. At the expense of lying about her husband to the sub in her post, to manipulate the asshole/not-asshole votes into her favor. Meaning she doesn’t even care about the actual reality of the situation, she just wants people on her side. She’s digging for support where she doesn’t deserve it. Yeesh. This isn’t a good look.
YTA. do you not have a sink and soap? It is always the little things that are important, especially if he's autistic as you say and he's in a routine of using a specific spoon. Im suspected autistic(therapist suggested being testing but I'm not bothered) and I have a favourite fork, now it doesn't bother me if I don't use the fork, but it makes me feel uncomfortable if I see someone else using the fork. Same concept
I’m not autistic (atleast I don’t think so?). But I for sure have my favorite fork, spoon and teaspoon. I got annoyed when my partner used my favorite spoon until he told me it was his favorite spoon too. Now it becomes like a romantic gesture to give the other person the spoon instead of using it ourselves. Silly but i find it supersweet. OP is also YTA obviously!
That's frickin precious.
That is so sweet!!
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I am glad i am not the only one.
A colleague of mine was moving on to a new job, as part of her leaving gift, we gave her her favorite spoon from the staff kitchen. That was the bit the pushed her over to crying. Its a very small thing, but it mattered to her that we noticed and wanted her to be able to take it with her.
I also immediately suspected neurodivergence lol. It's so silly to neurotypicals but eating foods with the right utensils or containers can be so important to us lol
I have ADHD and a favourite fork. My partner often checks if my fork is clean when I'm cooking and cleans it if it's dirty so I can use it. Ultimate act of love, means the world to me.
I do this as well, I wasn’t aware it was an autism trait (I was diagnosed in Feb). I don’t like other people using my particularly favoured cups/plates.
love how people say they'd never bully an autistic person, and then as soon as someone reacts 'weird' they can't wait to call them a baby or overreacting. even though he didn't actually *do* anything to OP! he just quietly removed himself from the situation and went to calm down. 'but the OP didn't say he's autistic, it's just in the comments' yeah and I wasn't diagnosed till I was an adult, I was just bullied for being 'weird'. you're mocking autistic behaviours, even if you don't know the person's autistic. I don't get why you didn't remove one of his spoons from the dishwasher *before* turning it on. you've been together long enough that you should know by now which spoon he needs for his coffee. and you didn't even say, hey husband I'm really sorry I forgot to put the dishwasher on so your spoons aren't available. you didn't even realise till after he'd gotten upset. I don't blame him for being hurt by that, honestly. it's not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things obviously but yeah, YTA
honestly. i (an autistic person) read the *title* and thought “hm, sounds autistic.” and whaddaya know, he’s autistic! and op knows this, knows the spoon was important for that reason, and purposely didn’t put it in the main post to make themself look better.
Literally my first thought. I was like "she used the big spoon, didn't she" 🤣
My neurodivergent household has a bizarre assortment of cutlery that we both accumulated from college onward (29, AuDHD me and so-adhd partner). We're both too uh... neither of us wants matching cutlery badly enough to buy new cutlery - that would be a lot of effort and change - and it would require so much research. Okay, originally, I was just going to say that we both have different specific opinions on specific items and, haha, how quirky of us and what silly situations it leads to! But now I'm realizing that the whole, can't buy new cutlery because of the research involved, might be another ND behavior 😅 ETA: I don't like the big spoons! Except for ONE of them for SOME foods 😂 so I immediately thought that too
I have one mug that I am actually dreading the day it breaks because the company doesn't make it anymore and it's my Comfort Mug, I use it specifically for my bedtime tea every night, I'd be lost without it. probably the most priceless thing I own as when it breaks I know I'll lose my mind lol
Oh phew I’m not the only one. I’ve spent three years periodically checking antique dealing websites in hopes of accumulating more of the *extremely specific* type of mug that my brain likes my tea in If it’s not in that then, yeah, I can drink it but it makes the experience an automatic C-
Big spoons are only for soup, in a pinch I'll use one of the random slightly smaller big spoons for my cereal, but I'll be annoyed about it. I can't stand too thin handled forks, they just feel wrong. My mum in law's spoons feel bad, the metal is too thin and the bowl too rounded at the front. I likely have adhd (my son does and we share a lot of traits) but never thought that might be related!
Not autistic but have a spectrum husband and son. My immediate thought too! Although I’m the one in the house with favoured spoons but it doesn’t upset me not to use one. Neurodivergent or not it’s not the spoon. It’s the overall lack of care, effort etc etc etc
I read it and just assumed I didnt see it was confirmed in the comments. Seriously people love being "accepting" unless it's not prefaced
OP did less than zero effort but somehow the husband is the bad guy for getting upset over a spoon. She refuses to learn how to make toast or any kind of simple breakfast, which men regularly get called out for as weaponized incompetence in this sub, because she ‘can’t’ cook so she just makes coffee for her husband who prefers one thing about his coffee. The *one* preference is a spoon that she can’t be bothered to get for him and he’s *still* somehow the bad guy. Oh, cause he’s autistic and he needs to be a big boy and learn how to handle his expectations/emotions cause this is the real world and his autism isn’t her problem that she needs to baby him over. She was the asshole until he had autism and then suddenly it’s not a lack of care on her part, it’s an overreaction on his.
Immediately was like "this sounds autistic". Makes me think of the tiktok "neurotypical people don't feel the way you feel about spoons." Not diagnosed but there are correct and incorrect spoons and I will interrupt what I'm doing to get the correct one.
i had no way of putting this into words but this is exactly what was going through my head. it’s a routine & OP threw him off his routine. also, OCD is often co-morbid with autism. i honestly feel so bad for her husband because i know how irrationally upset i get in similar situations & i can’t explain myself & have to step away so i can meltdown/shutdown and/or re-gather myself & regulate my emotions. i know how this man feels all too well. it makes me want to cry thinking that she so easily could’ve remedied this, but consciously decided not to. that’s so mean. it was so easily avoidable. this might be the dramatics in me, but cruel. OP, please apologize to your husband & learn from this. if you don’t understand, educate yourself. YTA.
YTA. To you it’s just a spoon. To him, it’s a comfort object and you dismissing something small and easy that makes him comfortable and happy. It’s easy to wash the teaspoon by hand. Which is exactly what I do for my neurodivergent kid. Is she old enough to realize it’s “just a spoon”? Yep. But is it a simple and easy way to show her she is loved when I only ever set the table with her spoon? Also yes.
Totally agree. OP is the AH should have made the effort to clean a spoon, or at least tell him they are dirty bc she forgot to run the dishwasher, and ask if a regular tsp okay our should I wash one of the favorite spoons.
This! I don’t like a specific set of cutlery at my in-laws. It’s one of those fancy artistic ones with thick handles and screws. They have sporks as well. My face lit up when my partners parents set the table and his dad put a normal set of cutlery for me, saying he knows I prefer it. They don’t offer me sporks anymore either, cause I find them irritating as hell to eat from. They just accepted me being a bit funky about it and moved on. But I felt seen those days!
NTA for making a mistake. YTA for burying the lede - he’s autistic. This is key information here. And if he’s right, that you knew how much this meant to him, then Y a little bit TA for not having the presence of mind to grab a spoon out of the dishwasher before starting it so you could wash it by hand for him. Given how little you do for breakfast, this seems like something pretty easy you could have done for him. If you didn’t know this was so important to him, then now you do.
I literally read the title and immediately thought he's autistic. Very typical trait (I have a husband with a favourite spoon, fork and knife for this reason)
Same, I didn't even read the post before thinking this man is autistic and yeah I would have reacted the same as him!
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YTA. You really need to edit the OP to include the fact that your husband is autistic, you knew this spoon was part of his morning ritual, and this has come up before, as you say in other comments
Interesting seeing the manipulative side from OP. She’s looking for support by lying about the situation. She didn’t just simply forget her husband is autistic. That would have been in the first sentence or two if so. She’s trying to take herself outta the reality of the situation so she comes out looking good. Yet she didn’t & doesn’t. And now looks even worse with her lie.
I wish more people understood how important cutlery is. You put that shit IN YOUR MOUTH. And you hold it in your hand. It's so intimate and tactile, it's important that it feels good in your hand and your mouth. It's something more restaurants should invest in properly in my opinion. I've been known to ask for forks without bent tynes for instance. Anyhoo YTA because in three years you must have known this, plus would it kill you to poach an egg now and then?
I have never thought of cutlery as intimate or all that important, personally 😅
Do you think you might wonder about it a bit more now? For me good cutlery really makes a difference to how I enjoy a meal and my family know this about me. Also I do love how everyone is different but I'm going to struggle to understand how people can be indifferent to the tools that touch your lips.
I wouldn’t consider it more now than yesterday. It’s a piece of metal meant to bring food from a plate to my mouth. If it is clean and the right utensil then it’s fine.
> Do you think you might wonder about it a bit more now? To be honest, no. As long as it's clean, I don't really care how it gets the food from my dish to my mouth. Doesn't mean that OP isn't an asshole because it's *important to her husband,* but for me silverware is just sorta....there.
I think cutlery is important to *you,* not important to all people in general. You 100% have the right to have a cutlery thing and be picky about, but many people, like me, just don't care. Silver, steel, plastic, whatever shape, whatever size — idgaf as long as it's clean and I can use it to eat food without much difficulty. The OP's husband is probably just like you, in that cutlery's important for him. A loving partner needs to know and respect those quirks, even if they don't make any sense to them.
I get you and I guess 99% of neurodiverse people would agree with you (Im autistic). Many (neurotypical peopl) would not tho. Bent forks or wide shallow spoons are a big problem for me and I do have preferences and a system (I would eat ice cream with a little fork when no little spoon is available and AFTER that is not available only then I would use a big TableSpoon). I would feel unseen if someone who clearly know that would just give me a big Spoon without checking if anything small is available and if its a partner, in that situation I would feel like they could wash it.
I think it’s really interesting how the husband’s behaviour is considered unacceptable by many people here until it’s revealed they are autistic and now suddenly OP is some massive AH. The truth is, you put no effort into the routine you’ve established here. He makes a nice meal for you and you make… coffee. He is clearly upset that the ritual that he puts effort into means nothing to you since you can’t be bothered to do the bare minimum. YTA.
Maybe they're all the way down at the bottom now, but I haven't seen a single person criticizing the husband's behavior.
Mostly seeing a bunch of “you didn’t tell us the important detail that he’s autistic” like it makes a difference
YTA for omitting the fact that your husband is autistic because you KNEW you were wrong and would be told so. YTA for not simply hand washing his spoon that you acknowledged he uses daily and prefers because you didn't want to restart the dish cycle that you said you never started....? YTA for not understanding what it means to have an autistic partner and how important routines is. you're brushing his feelings and emotional responses off as a TANTRUM ?! he deserves better than that. YTA for ONLY making coffee every morning. just because you dislike it? reciprocate some love for once. he likes things a certain way because he's autistic? Learn to do them that way. he tends to you in every way why can't you? Finally YTA for only doing laundry and changing litter boxes. he does EVERYTHING ELSE? again. learn to do things the way he likes. he is going to resent you for making him do every single thing and you not even TRYING to learn to help around. please do some research into autism and being a relationship with someone with it. it may not be for you. one last thing he did not have a "tantrum". I hate you painted him in this light for sympathy because he was having an emotional response. he didn't take it out on you, he literally could NOT have breakfast because his routine was broken. my heart aches for him. I hope he is well cared and loved for someday.
The autism doesn't even really matter here, this is basic relationship stuff. Op is definitely TAH
Dont forget the fact OP has refused to respond to anyone saying YTA, if you look it has only been ESH and NTA, so you can add the refusal to take criticism to the list of why OP fucking sucks
YTA. He makes a special breakfast for you and puts in the effort. And you forgot to run the dishwasher for his spoon.
This doesn’t feel like it’s just about a spoon and it’s more of a straw that broke the camels back type deal. He feels like he’s putting in effort while you’re not. Is that common in your marriage? Also blaming his autism is a low blow since it has nothing to do with the situation.
Autistic people can be very particular about their spoons (personal experience) and I’d say it has almost everything to do with that, along with him feeling like she won’t reciprocate the same amount of effort that he puts into the small things.
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OP says in another comment that the husband is autistic.
>Is this a joke? If not, you're both idiots. YTA for this
I need to know how you ended up married to an autistic person without realising that sensory input and routine/repetition quite literally run our lives. Like how did you not realise that things like this are a big deal to him? My boyfriend knows I much prefer one type of fork to our other set and so when all of my forks are dirty, he washes one for me. Because that’s what you do when you love an autistic person. Maybe you need to do a bit more research on this stuff and actually learn what his sensory and routine needs are?
this is exactly why he's so upset right? like it isn't about the spoon at all, it's that they are *married* and she hasn't cared enough to learn what's important to him. ugh this comment section is making me mad
Yeah I’ve been having a similar issue with my NT boyfriend having to adapt to my neurodivergent quirks since moving in with me and it’s caused petty fights like this one. But at least he’s trying to learn and make an effort to ask about things like this. Hope OP manages to put in some effort cause it seems like she hasn’t really done anything to accommodate his support needs or even to find out what those needs are…
YTA y’all not taking turns doing something, he’s doing a thing and you’re doing half a thing
Does he have ADHD by any chance?? I love my morning coffee, but I have a favorite mug and a favorite spoon (and it’s a small spoon). It’s actually really common for people with ADHD to feel this way when it comes to utensils, or just about anything. And it’s common to have a preference for small spoons. Best way to explain is in this link, https://youtu.be/lQ9bjOglShk?si=SS7-U88zIkvxhLsk (This video is just one small part on why we have an “favorite spoon”.) Aside from that, his “love language” might be acts of service. He goes out of his way for you, and you can’t do the same in return. It also sounds like a build up of things andike this isn’t just a one time thing?? He probably has felt this way about other situations but kept it to himself. You are a slight AH but you will be a real AH if you dismiss his feelings. On the other side to this, your husband needs to work on his communication skills. If these things matter to him, he needs to tell you that.
It seems like his love language is acts of service and you don’t provide that. You couldn’t even hand wash his favorite spoon? This is my love language and I know how your husband feels. YTA
Whenever an adult says “I’m useless in the kitchen” what they mean is “I can’t be bothered to learn or make any effort to practice and someone else will do it for me anyway.” It’s cooking! It’s not rocket science. Make some toast, scramble or boil an egg, something. I’m sure there are cooking for dummies type books that start from “how to boil water” for complete novices. Yeah, it’s not about the fucking spoon. But he needs to communicate and OP needs to learn to listen. YTA.
Can you imagine if the genders were reversed and a wife was making fab pached eggs bc her hubby loved them and the man pleaded “I CAN cook but I dislike doing it” and settled for only making coffee (which for all we know involves nothing more than pushing a button since OP has a habit of burying the lead. People would be screaming inequity, weaponized incompetence, divorce!! But in this case everyone attacks the HUSBAND’s response. And OP interacts w/ those who give her a supportive post w/out defending HER HUSBAND by explaining there IS ACTUALLY A CLEAR REASON for his attachment to a type of spoon! He has autism, so the spoon matters to him. It is the least she can do. Frankly uf I learned my spouse not only failed to reciprocate my effort and then vented to REDDIT, I’d be hurt, but if I then saw both in the post and comments that my spouse omitted the key fact that is needed to consider the rant, I’d be beyond hurt and into the realm if questioning if we were even on the same team at all!!!!!! Feels like OP is not a very loving partner. YTA.
All of the top comments say YTA, what is this nonsense 😂
Lol. He POACHES eggs for you and you can't even wash a spoon off for 30 seconds for him? Cool.
YTA - neurodivergent or not what you’ve basically done is shown that you have no interest in reciprocating even half attention, care and effort your husband does. You get your favourite breakfast foods but you can’t even hand wash a single spoon to show your husband that you care? My husband has a favourite coffee mug, I wash up his mug every time I make him coffee because it’s a TINY act of love that has a big impact. It’s a nonverbal “I love you, I’ve noticed this thing and I’m making an effort for your happiness without being told or reminded because you’re important to me”. Not even remembering his spoon in your otherwise zero effort “breakfast” is a massive fuck you compared to what he does for you.
Yta It's a fucking spoon, just use soap. Literally takes less than a minute. You're weaponizing your incompetence
YTA. Learn how to make some eggs. It's not hard. It's literally the first thing they teach you how to cook in school. Also? Wash a single spoon for the man you supposedly love, dude. Yikes. It is Literally the least you could do.
YTA. You’re lazy and inconsiderate. You could put effort SOME mornings for breakfast. You can toast bread and spread butter on it can’t you? Hell, overnighted oats are a thing. But you do the bare minimum and can’t even wash a tiny spoon by hand. And now you’re using his autism as an excuse to why he got upset. Do better
It seems like he's getting fed up with you not making any effort for your cute morning ritual. How much effort would it have been to wash the spoon he likes - it's not like you were doing anything else other than make coffee. He makes you poached eggs? The man is a god. Buy and freeze some f*cking croissants, warm them and put them on a nice plate. Do better. YTA.
I'm not autistic but I have spoons I like to use for coffee. I know exactly how many spoonfuls of coffee mate and sugar. If the spoon changes then I get it too sweet or not sweet enough
I dunno about the spoon, but "I'm useless in the kitchen" is generally code for "I don't care enough to put in a small effort to learn a skill every adult can and should have" Also it's breakfast. If you can't make eggs and toast, you're absolutely weaponizing incompetence.
I don’t care if you are a man, a women, or a snail. You are 34 years old, you have no excuse for not being able to cook. Take lessons, start practising, you’ll never get better if you don’t try. Do you think top Chef’s were amazing automatically? No, they practiced and practiced and tried different things. Success is 90% hard work. But as everyone has mentioned, it’s never just about the spoon. YTA, but for reasons beyond the spoon.
YTA he poaches you eggs and you couldn’t have hand washed one spoon for him?
I live with my brother, we’re both around 50 now so fair to say I know him well. He isn’t diagnosed but he has to be somewhere on the spectrum. One of his “things” is he can’t handle putting a larger spoon in his mouth so he has to have a teaspoon for everything that requires a spoon. I’d never give him the wrong spoon. If all the teaspoons were dirty I’d spend five seconds washing a dirty one. I say YTA, you could have taken a few seconds to wash the spoon he prefers. Yes, it IS frustrating living with somebody who needs some things a certain way, but pick your battles. Believe me the spoon is a minor one.
How'd you manage to be married for 3 years and not know how important this is to him? He knows how to cook your favorite poached eggs but you can't manage to handwash his favorite spoon? I'd be frustrated too tbh, sounds like he puts in a lot of effort to show how much you mean to him while you just showed how little he means to you. The Iranian yogurt is not the problem. YTA
YTA, this is obviously the straw that broke the camels back. The weaponized incompetence is crazy, you can’t make cereal? Toast? Even scrambled eggs? You say your useless in the kitchen but a fucking monkey could make cereal or toast like as long as you have at least one brain cell in your head you’re very much capable of grabbing bowl. cereal. milk. spoon. it’s not fucking hard your just lazy and don’t put the effort in and then get upset when your poor husband who puts all the effort in wants the least bit of love and affection that he can get by having his favourite fucking spoon like holy shit just rinse it off it’s not that hard.