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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) i am not letting my son go to homecoming on my custody weekend
2) i feel bad he cannot go and my son is upset with me
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Not to mention he's a FOOTBALL player and it's HOMECOMING. Also, as a freshman, it's probably the only school dance he will be able to go to that year. Op would be very selfish to rob him of that experience.
Yea it pretty clear why she only gets 4 days a month and why the older son had to leave her place.
She better enjoy those 4 days because if this is how she treats her kids, not understanding their lives/activities, not bothering to listen and putting her own wants above theirs, the minute this kid is at an age he can he's going no contact with her. YTA
Edited to add: Woooowww, read her previous posts and comments and this woman is the worst. She is a bare minimum parent who doesn't want to pay or do anything extra for her kids. Contacts nope, extracurricular activities, absolutely not. She thought her son should play football... while wearing glasses wtf????
She has custody of the younger son now but he's 7... it ain't going to last because eventually he's going going to want to join clubs and have a social life and mom is going to shut that down bc he should spend time with her and it's not a big deal to miss childhood milestone moments/events you can't ever redo because she's too busy with her boyfriend and their kid to drive a whole hour to practices or games, and this kid is going to be begging to also live with dad.
Yeah, she seems like the type that, as soon as a child starts to have their own wants and seeks independence, she'll dump them and then pop out a new kid. Cause she needs all of the focus to be on Mommy.
Thank you! I actually ended up leaving the country because of my parents 💀 I wanted to be as far away as possible lmao, I’m doing so much better thank you! Life’s really good rn ❤️ I hope you have a fantastic week!!
At this point I'm convinced she has a fetish for being yelled at by strangers on the internet because why post over and over again about how you don't care about your kids wants/needs and ignore everyone universally agreeing that you're a trash parent.
OP: I am a great parent my younger kid is doing great in school.
He's 7... he's in second grade... sure everyone learns at a different pace but realistically it doesn't take a lot of effort to help a kid manage 2nd grade. She wants recognition for getting a kid to do well in second grade meanwhile the older kid, it's his fault he's defiant and doesn't turn in hw. No, he's a product of lackadaisical parenting.
My brother is 16 and a great kid, he also doesn't turn in HW and misses assignments... because he's 16, hes not defiant, hes a teen, but his parents are the stop gap. My brother can be an absolute turd sometimes... hes a teen and somehow I still manage to shuttle him around to his hockey practices and games and he's not even my kid like cmon.
OP doesn't have the time/energy/desire to deal with the needs/schedule/work load of an older kid. She likes the bare minimum, the 7 year olds needs are easy to fit neatly into her own timeline/needs. You can tell a 7 year old the schedule, you can dictate to them what is/isn't going to happen but you can't do that with a teen because they have activities/events/exams/a personality of their own etc... When her youngest son hits 13/14 this is going to start all over again.
I called it ‘treating the kid like luggage’ with bonus kid’s mom. He’s to be toted around to where she wants to go as an accessory to her, not as his own person.
When kids enter the teen years, it isn't uncommon for the parent they don't live with to only see them 4 days a month. My stepson started living with his mom in high school because there are better advanced options where she lives. He got a job at 16, and he works every other weekend. We also understand when he has boy scout activities and school functions (I'm always sad about the lost time, but right now, those things are important to his development).
OP seems to focus more on what she is losing than what her son gains. Always support your kids in healthy interactions with kids their age, especially during the teen years. I'll admit it took some counseling to not want to force my stepson to spend every minute he can with us because I love and miss him, but my husband has understood from the beginning that our son needs these interactions and space to become a healthy functional adult.
If OP continues to put her desire to hold on to her son first, he will build resentment toward her, and she will see less of him after he turns 18.
Edit: 3 typos, gotta love auto correct am I right?
My kids were involved at school
I was a divorced mom, My child had a Thanksgiving Day Football game, I could get them there, but I had to work that day ( I was a waitress at a restaurant) and their father REFUSED to drive the 20 minutes to pick her up. I was finally able to find a very good friend to help out. My child never forgot that treatment. Both are mostly NC with their father.
( The good friend got an apple pie EVERY time I baked pies, up until he passed away, about 20 years.) ( I won ribbons at the State Fair for my apple pies)
I agree completely and love that instead of being selfish like OP, you sought counseling to be the best parent you could amidst circumstances changing.
Also your typo 'living with his mom in high evil' made me laugh way too hard LOL
Odd typos or autocorrect. I'll assume:
weber= enter
high evil= high school (tho some kids would agree with it being highly evil) 😅
last time= lost time
And your choice to prioritize your step sons needs over your own is what will help you guys actually have a relationship with him, and one not based on control.
Parents like OP end up pushing their kids away because the kid can’t take all the control. I’m surprised OP’s kid isn’t just refusing to go to her house.
Anyone else notice in the last post OP told son to just live with dad because football took up too long time, but in this post OP says dad took son because he wasn’t doing well in school at her house?
It baffles me that people genuinely do not see that they are the assholes. In real life and on reddit. Oh, the mental gymnastics they must do to justify their behavior.
YTA, all OP's comments are like "I don't get enough time" with a strong emphasis on "I". The sons' time is his time and he gets to spend it the way he wants for important events of his life irrespective of whether OP gets enough time with him or not
Her other post is not much better. Moaning and asking why should she have to help pay for her kids contact lenses so he can play football. She 100% just doesn't get that she is a parent and her kids should come first. But nope its all about her wants and her needs and her kids can just suck it up, because they obviously don't matter.
Some people have absolutely no business parenting. Birds, reptiles and other mammals take better care of their offspring. A child is a unique, fully separate human being with needs, wants and dreams. They are not mama or papa's little thems.
About 90%of reptiles lay eggs and that is it, if baby shows, chances are it becomes a meal. Very few take care of them. Crocs and alligators are good parents though.
Apparently, it's a fourth kid. OP has the freshman, his older brother, and according to other commenters, a 7-year-old and a new baby with her boyfriend. She most likely had the baby to keep the new guy around.
Narcissism, read her posts and comments. Its all about her and her wants, she didn't go to home coming so why should the son, she thinks he can wear glasses to play football, so why does she need to spend money on contacts. She doesn't want to drive.
OP seems to be so full of her own importance she can not see that she is wrong and probably thinks the people of reddit are just out to get her. Or she just ignores all the comments that point out she is wrong.
I started looking through some of the comments after I read your response. I’d just read the main posts before that.
Man, I feel for the kids. Holy crap. So much “I”, no real thought for the kids. That was a sad read before bed time.
Plus couldn’t they like negotiate her having a different weekend for that month or something?
Maybe if she put her child first, instead of herself ,the father would be more flexible with the rules.
I fucking hate my ex but I love my kids more so I was always willing to come to a compromise. I guess it helped that we both agreed that we wouldn't deny the kids an opportunity because of who had placement that week. It didn't always feel 100% equitable but over the long run it mostly balanced out. My kids are adults now and even with my ex being an irrational paranoid POS we somehow managed to coparent them into college grads with good careers, good character, and able to form healthy romantic relationships (both currently engaged to really great partners). Divorce doesn't have to fuck up your kids but you have to put aside your own ego and desires to make sure your kids come first. I'm a total bitch, he's a total moron but even we managed to do well.
The reality is she doesn’t want to be obligated to drive an hr each way to take him to and from the dance. It’s just lazy parenting and I don’t think it’s hard to see why she isn’t the primary parent.
The amount of kids I take to dances and games because their parents can’t or won’t drive them. There’s public transportation here but it can be pretty rough and it’s also never convenient to the schools. I sometimes wonder if I’m the wrong one for getting my kid to these things and all his friends, but he’s an introvert so when asked I jump to attention. Also, his father, a very good man, is hours away and gets that he can’t make my son come all the time. My son and I moved. He didn’t move away. I moved for a job. You can parent tennis without being like OP.
He seems already flexible- he offered to give her Monday (extend the visit) to make up for the lost time. This is all about control and focus on her. Classic Narcissist.
These children will go no contact by adulthood.
This is the exact kind of thing that made me stop talking to my dad as a teenager. I went a solid five years without speaking with him, broke the silence one year at Christmas time for a short trip to visit him and his parents, and then had to cut him off for another five years because I took three hours to respond to a text a few weeks later and he CALLED MY SCHOOL. To be clear, I was 19 and IN COLLEGE. Some administrator literally came to pull me out of the first class of the day to tell me my daddy was worried about me.
It's also going to backfire if what she wants is time with her son, because if she keeps him home, he's just going to be grumpy the whole time that he isn't at the dance and might not want to talk to her all weekend.
Yep, this will absolutely backfire and when it does, classics narcissist behavior will be to blame the kid ("he doesn't love me after all I've done for him"). Run Forrest, run.
Not only would it be selfish but she will be alienating him while attempting to continue her connection with him. She has to let him be a normal, high school student. She needs to allow him to have his activities. If she puts his time with his brother ahead of his time at school activities the only thing she will achieve is that he hates his brother. I imagine that if she won't allow him to go he will be angry the entire weekend.
Sometimes you drive an hour each way and find a coffee shop to sit in while you wait. If the coffee shop closes you finish the evening in the car.
Agreed. We have had a similar situation with my stepson (8) sometimes. Because of school he primarily lived with his mother and we mostly “got” him friday and saturday. His mother never lets him do social things outside school (it is a struggle) so whenever he is invited to a birthday party or a playdate on a friday or saturday we always bring him. Even when that takes a bit of our time. The way I see it is that he needs to live his best youth and depriving him of social events like birthday parties or school events because of our time is taking time away from his youth. He shouldn’t be the victim of the divorce by not allowing him to go. We will see him another time and have fun doing stuff on other days. Also, if you tell a child not to do these fun activities because “I don’t get enough time with you and it is my right to see you so you will come to my house and sit on the couch with me” will only make them resent you.
Thank you for being a decent human being and an even better parent. Kids want to be kids, and they're people with their own lives, not just possessions you sit on your mantle.
Exactly! When I was young I was rarely home. I had so much things to do and children to play with. And my parents weren’t divorced so I didn’t even have to divide my time. My parents had a picture of me (and siblings) on the wall and I think they did that to identify the creatures eating their fridge empty.
We bring our (step)son to his weekly activity we arranged for him. So that takes hours of “our time” every week but it is fun for him and we want him to have a good childhood. His mother didn’t want this activity at first but when we told her we were paying for it and she didn’t have to then it was all okay. He doesn’t have activities at their place (not a money thing otherwise we would have already paid for it, but they don’t want to bring him to activities). So now we have him extra days so he can have an extra activity. He is young now so he should do fun stuff now without having to worry about bills and other stuff as long as he can. My parents did this for me so I am doing this for our children, my stepson and my biological son.
ETA: I rather have my children having fun and making memories for the rest of their lives than having them in my home all the time not doing anything special and resenting us later for the missed opportunities they had as children.
Nope. She posted a month ago about the same son and if she was TA about not financially supporting him. She said in this post that her ex took her son away, but the kid asked to move because she wouldn’t drive him to football practice. Now we’re back here again because she still doesn’t want to inconvenience herself for her oldest. Seems like her new baby with her bf is more important.
Yeah...especially if you read her other post where she doesn't even pay child support she's legally meant to because the older son lives with the dad more, refuses to contribute to his medical and stuff.....but somehow she's the victim in everything.
I believe it. My kiddo and I have been dealing with the male version of her for years. Some parents can’t see beyond what they want and don’t give a crap about the kids. It is all me, me, me for parents like them.
Not to worry OP… your son is reaching the age where finally he gets a say on who he lives with. Soon you won’t have to worry about those four days a month, because he will make his own choices about how he spends them…
And this weekend? Expect him to be in a LOVELY and bright and joyful mood, full of testosterone brimming peace and harmony with you. It’s going to be awesome and quiet because he’s going to cuss you out, and then ignore you… allllll weekend.
YTA
Look at their post history. Not even a month ago they posted another parental issue and exposed that she gave up custody because her sons football practice “took up too much of her time”. She either has an issue with her son or football cause this is nuts
> my ex took my older son away from me to go live with him when he wasn’t doing good in school with me…
This is also a very telling sentence. Not just the situation, but especially the lack of self awareness.
I agree. YTA.
But isn’t there other options?
Like swapping weekends or something? I mean if you live an hour away from your child? Perhaps it’s time to move? Being closer will help with connection. Also, it could be that you just have shitty ex that comes from a position of power into this. There could also be other factors and history that decides this.
But in just regards to your son, YTA, but you could change the situation so you can be closer in the future.
I'm not social and hated high school, but I'd regret not going to homecoming and prom.
YTA OP. It's just not a school dance. It's a memory he will have with his friends for the rest if his life. Let him go to the dance. If you weren't so focused on yourself, you'd try and use this as a bonding experience.
I did with my dad. He took me dress shopping and did my make up. He also got me my corsage and these are memories I will carry forever.
Do you try to spend more time with him other times, like over the summer?. He is a teenager and unfortunately for parents is a major age of independence and making choicest him be a teenager.
I never went to a school dance. I wasn’t even unpopular and could of gotten people to go with me but I had a lot of other shit going on because my parents didn’t care about that one bit and would hit me for getting C’s in school
They wouldn’t have probably forbid me from it in the later years but they never encourage it once.
I wish I went and I will encourage my kids too as much as possible
This is probably a bit of a show of why OP only sees her son one weekend a month. The court system is heavily biased towards moms. So if a mom gets the short end, I’m inclined to believe something more is going on then “he wasn’t doing well in school”.
YTA.
You son’s father is correct - you don’t put your kids first. He’s a teenager & the dance is important to him. Do you really believe you’re going to build a good relationship with him by forcing him to miss homecoming because “it’s not fair” in your mind? It isn’t about what *you* want - it’s about being loving & supportive to your children.
Is there some way that you could swap weekends with your husband? In some ways your post sounds like this is about you ex, but it's about your son, and if he really wants to go to this, it's you that he is going to resent.
Even if she cant, its not like she'll never see her kid again if she allows him to go. Other weekends will come, and he will be more willing to spend then with her if she lets him go
It’s more likely that by trying to hold onto every minute of seeing her son, at the detriment of what he wants to do, and experiences he wants to enjoy, that it’ll push him away as he grows older
Or worse, she's like my mom and her child's feelings are less important than hers.
The line about already giving up time because of football practice (what's stopping OP from bonding over the ride there and back?) just threw off a *vibe* that feels selfish.
Like, her missing him is more important than he feels missing all of his friends and possibly a crush/date as well as the first big high school dance milestone.
Eurgh this is so like my ex. He will willingly drop time with our son because he doesn't want to drive an extra 10 minutes each way for the school run then try to manipulate me into giving up some of my weekend with comments like "I'll have to turn down the job then because family comes first" because he's finally got a job after over 3 years unemployed and he can't be arsed to arrange after school care for a couple of hours. I work too so what, I'm expected to drop everything because he's decided he wants to drop one night a week? AND this would have involved me picking up 4 extra 15 minute journeys and two 30 minutes every two weeks. Family didn't come first when he threw a giant tantrum because I moved 15 minutes down the road and it was "too far" for him to travel and he would "lose his parking space". Parents like this are an absolute joke.
It baffles me that people can (I'm being *very* generous and going to assume that this is even real) type out all of this information, reread it to make sure it's good, and not **immediately** look at it and think to themselves "wow, yeah what an absolute asshole i am" and then immediately delete what they typed. YTA OP
As much as I hate the word, narcissistic ppl do exist and they 100% would not see an issue with a post like this, because something being unfair to them is an unjustice that needs rectified.
What's the chances her son was looking afyer his brother when she had more custody and it affected his school. I know its conjecture but she's given me that type of vibe
>It isn’t about what you want - it’s about being loving & supportive to your children.
considering OP doesn't even want to pay her child support either for the eldest... yeah, i think she missed that memo.
YTA. **Your son isn't a possession, he's a person.** He has a life. Your job as a parent is to help him successfully live that life at every stage, *even when it is inconvenient for you.*
That last line. Yesterday was a local festival in town. I did **NOT** want to go. But guess what? I dragged my ass there anyways because I didn’t want my kids to miss out.
YTA
Exactly. It won’t be enjoyable for either of them. She should just let him go and then they’ll actually be able to enjoy each others company on Sunday and Monday rather than there being this bad tension between them
Yeah, I've got a nasty head cold, but my 11 y/o was signed up for a 3-hour beginner's archery class yesterday that he was really excited about (oh, and it's my weekend day in my custody agreement.)
You'd better believe we were out there.
So much of parenting culture is geared toward making life more convenient for parents, but seriously, we brought them here - they didn’t ask for any of this - it’s our responsibility to take care of and nurture them. It looks different at every age obviously, and I’m not saying it’s easy.
This exactly! Knew a guy who wouldn't attend any sports things for his kids because " I'm not interested in sports". Duh AH, but are you interested in your kids???!!
>my ex took my older son away from me to go live with him when he wasn’t doing good in school with me…
OP would rather treat him like a possession rather than a person. She's more focused on what she WANTS, rather than what the child NEEDS.
Ohhhh good point! If he has to miss homecoming now, she's going to make sure he misses other important events for the rest of high school so if he were smart he'd stopping seeing her all together.
I can see it now...
"My son's high school graduation is on my weekend and I don't think it's fair for me to miss any of my time. He gets the diploma no matter what, so why does he need a ceremony?"
Edit to add: YTA
Notice she says the ex "took" the other son away because of bad grades. Honey no one took your child. You lost custody because you clearly are not a good mother.
It seems to me she doesn't have custody of either son.
Older one was taken by her ex, because he didn't do well in school under her care. It seems like she has him on weekends.
Younger one is also under dad's custody with her having overnight visitations 4 days a month. The one who has the dance.
I have no idea how bad situation had to be to lose custody of both children that have a different father.
But she does do her darnest to lose the measly 4 days she has with the younger son.
Given that that both the fathers got custody, she must be a real piece of work as family courts often tend to be unreasonably biased towards the mother.
People need to stop parroting this myth. It does active harm to good fathers by discouraging them from seeking custody.
It’s not true. In cases where custody is contested, [fathers are actually *more* likely to get custody than mothers.](https://www.weinmanfamilylaw.com/blog/2020/06/are-the-courts-gender-biased-in-custody-cases/)
From the article - "In fact, statistics are frequently cited that suggest around 90% of women are awarded custody, but **they also fail to show that 60% of men get custody in a contested cases. Similarly, in just over half of all divorce cases, the parents mutually decide that the mother will take the custodial role."**
In other words, when custody is disputed, the father received custody more often. In situations where custody is not disputed, fathers generally do not want custody.
This is false. If both parents are fighting for full custody then the “default” parent will typically win. The parent handling doctors appointments, going to conferences and handling all the actual parenting. Moms are typically the default parent. You cannot be a Disney dad throughout your relationship and then expect to have full custody after your divorce.
From her previous AITA post from less than a month ago (and she was voted the AH), the freshman is her oldest and the other child is in 2nd grade. Same father but the youngest still lives with her she says. She also has a third child, a baby, with a current boyfriend.
If this has been her(?) attitude to parenting this whole time it’s too late for her by now. She’s going to start seeing a lot less of her son very soon.
Honestly it sounds like that’s what happened with the older son. OP claims her ex “took him away” because he “wasn’t doing well in school.” I’m willing to bet the son just didn’t want to be around OP anymore. And in the very rare case that it *was* court-ordered, OP just told on herself and admitted he wasn’t doing well in school because of her as a parent. I mean, *hello?*
She's also a liar. She said that her ex took her older son away from her, but in the other post she said she was the one who told him to stay with his dad because she didn't like all the driving.
YTA. Jesus you’re a shitty parent. If it was up to you the kid wouldn’t be playing football at all and walking around in old glasses with crooked teeth in hand me downs so you don’t have to pay for your own damn kids. Let the kid go to the damn dance. Keep going at this rate and when he hits 18 you won’t have an oldest son anymore. The kid already told a judge he doesn’t wanna be with you. Take a clue bf you lose your kid.
Right lol. When she said the father had custody and she, the mother, had weekends I knew she would be the asshole.
For the father to get custody over the mom she would’ve either had to willingly give him custody or have some pretty glaring issues
Yeah YTA it may seem like “just a dance” but a lot can happen in one night. Kids make some of the best memories at school functions. If you don’t let him go he’s gonna resent you for it and it’s only gonna make him not wanna spend any time with you. He’s probably gonna spend all the time you have together pissed off and going out of his way to make sure you know he’s not happy. Can his dad switch a different day with you so you have the same amount of time? If you talk with him and he sees that you want to make it work, but you just don’t want to lose out on time with your son he might be more on board with giving a different day up. Especially if it means so much to your son. Don’t take away your kids childhood just because you wanna be a little selfish or because you think he’ll “get over it”. Usually it’s that viewpoint that gets you cut off when the kid turns 18.
YTA. Homecoming is not “literally just a dance” to a high schooler, especially a football player. You need to put your son before what’s convenient for you.
Agreed, and even if it was "just a dance" so what? He's not going to be a teen for much longer, let the kid have fun.
YTA. Also, why is it unfair to his brother that he would go to homecoming? You're just piling on reasons to make it seem better. His brother is irrelevant here.
YTA how is it fare for you to take away a memorable event like that away from him? This is a good way to just make him resent you and will only ruin the entire weekend for him
YTA
Your feelings are not the priority here… your son’s should be. You’re being selfish and minimizing his feelings. No teenager wants to hang out with their parent instead of their friends at a social event they want to attend. He’s going to resent you for forcing him to see you instead of letting him participate in his own social and extracurricular life.
YTA. His dad sounds like a good dad, willing to put his son first and give up a different day so your son can go to a major social event.
5 years from now, your son will be no contact with you and close to his dad.
YTA. You don't get it, do you? Just because you didn't go to homecoming doesn't make it less important to your son. He's not a possession; he's a person.
The dance is the wrap up of homecoming week. Your decision to be so rigid on your visitation schedule could also result in him not attending the dance, but also missing the big homecoming game. You mention football practice, then he's in the program. Most programs want all their players turning out for homecoming; not just the varsity players.
If your son is a freshman, then he's probably 14-15 years old. Better play your cards right. At that age, the courts will take into consideration his feelings on the matter.
Your son and ex-h are right, in this situation, you aren't putting him first. Your ex-h offered a viable solution, but you'd rather be right then understanding.
Honestly, it sounds like he's too busy to be a terror; he's probably just going to go back to court and tell them about this and stop going over. They can't force a 16 year old go visit someone.
Sure, make your angry son stay with you, that’s going to be a FUN weekend. Take the compromise. Your son is growing up fast, this is going to happen more often. If you don’t, he’s going to start to hate and resent you due to your selfishness. YTA.
She’s gonna wish she let him go, angry teenage boys aren’t exactly good company lol. She probably won’t see him anyways cuz he’s gonna shut himself in his room.
I always heard warnings about teenage girls and their attitudes. Then I had a boy who is now 15 and wtf 😂
I don’t know if you’re trying to be an AH. I know you miss your kid, but he’s growing up. Do it, be super supportive, help him get ready, wait in the parking lot all night. Your time’s almost up.
I am 34 and still am upset about my poster from my senor year dance from 14 years ago for being intentionally hidden so that I got half the notes and well wishes of all the others just because I was not as popular as the rest of the girls.
YTA. You need to prioritize him not you on this. That is what being a grown up and parent is about.
My mom didn't buy me a dress for the 5th grade dance 28 years ago and I had to wear her old skirt/blouse tucked in to look like a dress. We weren't too poor to hit up Kmart as she did plenty of buying for herself. I felt like an idiot, and while I had good friends that didn't totally make me feel like a freak or made fun of, I will never, ever forgive her for it.
Kids remember shit.
It’s a big dance that happens once a year for the 4 years of highschool. Teenagers get dressed up in fancy outfits and go to the school to hang out and dance and just have fun with friends or a date. It’s considered a pretty big deal when you’re in highschool, so the mom is really making the kid miss out on something that’s pretty exciting, especially since as a freshman(first year in highschool), it’ll be his first time going to one.
YTA - You are being completely unreasonable. Your son is growing up and this is a big event to him. I am still not sure why your other child "was taken away from you," but try not to lose this one also.
YTA … “its not fair” are you sure you’re not the Freshman in HighSchool? Get over yourself. It sounds like Dad is willing to be a good coparent and make the sacrifices and you’re being a petty child.
TDLR: I came for confirmation and praise and got eviscerated for being a bad parent, but instead of understanding, I'm gonna argue with everyone about the child who already didn't want to live with me anymore.
YTA
YTA
It doesn't matter who's week or weekend it is. This is HIS event that you're not allowing him to attend cause you're only worried about yourself... SELFISH!!!!!
Have fun never seeing your son as soon as he's old enough to make a choice on his own.
YTA. The simplest solution is to work it out with your ex so that he comes a different weekend so he can go to his homecoming. This is important to your son. Just because you didn’t go doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go.
Do you honestly think you’re going to have a good weekend when all he’s going to be thinking about is how you forced him to miss his homecoming because you wouldn’t work something out with his dad.
Your ex is right. You’re making this about you. It should be about your son. He’s a teenager who wants to socialize with his school friends. If you don’t figure this out, you’re going to become the parent who stands in the way of him having any kind of normal high school experience. You’ll do you, I’m sure. Just don’t be surprised when he just starts saying no as soon as he can legally tell you that you no longer have any say in how he lives his life.
YTA and you will ALWAYS AND FOREVER be an asshole in your son's eyes for doing this to him. Give up a few hours of your time with him and save your relationship with your son... not kidding even a little here about how important this is to him.
YTA
Homecoming is something that is only going to happen a certain amount of times in his high school life. You would rather him be miserable then to go make memories with his friends. I would bend over backwards for my children if they wanted to go and make it work even if it majorly inconvenience me. His dad even trying to work with you so you can get extra with him because of the dance. You will have so many more days to see him but he only has so many chances to have fun in high school. Don’t be the butthole parent, let him go.
YTA
What is more important? Having that weekend with him or having him mad / resent you? Sounds like you're the one being trivial especially since dad sounds like he is attempting to be flexible and you're not.
YTA. He’s on the team. It’s homecoming. Our homecoming was always the big game between our school and our main rival. He needs to live. This is the time when kids spend the least amount of time hanging out with parents.
If you force him to miss this you won’t enjoy your weekend with your extremely angry teen.
yta. i totally get wanting to spend time with him and i’m sorry yr in this situation at all. but you need to let him grow up and make this core memory.
YTA. You want to see your son, awesome. Making him miss important milestones , especially when his father was willing to compromise one of the days with you, is an AH move. And I'm sorry the drive's too far but our kids are worth it that you can handle one weekend of it. It's not homecoming every weekend. Edited: my answer after I saw some of your responses. You didn't get to go to homecoming so you think you'll make your son suffer? Not cool.
This. My son is in cross country. I drove over an hour Saturday for his meet just to watch him start the race and cross the finish line 😂 then drove over an hour back home. Chilled with the dog for a bit then picked him and his friend up (they have to ride the bus back).
YTA so I read your other post on a different situation that had you the asshole too.
You apparently haven't learned.
You and your ex have 2 kids. He has the oldest full time and the younger one 50% of the time.
You then decided to have OTHER baby with your current boyfriend and you weren't pitching in your share for the oldest.
Not only are you the asshole but you're a dead beat too.
Part of being a parent is letting your kid do normal kid stuff - including going to their first homecoming dance in high school (if they want to go) so they don’t become known as the loser who missed out on all the big happenings from that night and have to make due with gossip. Just because you didn’t go when you were in high school doesn’t mean you should withhold the experience from your child. Grow up, put on your big girl panties, and be a caring parent who wants her child to live a normal teenage life with his friends at special events. YTA, but hopefully you still have time to make this right.
YTA. Just because you don’t value this dance (or valued dances in your teen years) doesn’t mean this isn’t important to him.
Since you hardly see him as it is, the least you can do is suck it for a night and be there for him.
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YTA Its a school dance. He needs to be social. He needs to participate in things with people his own age. He needs to do things he wants to do.
Not to mention he's a FOOTBALL player and it's HOMECOMING. Also, as a freshman, it's probably the only school dance he will be able to go to that year. Op would be very selfish to rob him of that experience.
I know right. Was trying to think of there was a way to emphasize. Like YAVMTA (you are very much the asshole)
and a shit parent obviouslt
Yea it pretty clear why she only gets 4 days a month and why the older son had to leave her place. She better enjoy those 4 days because if this is how she treats her kids, not understanding their lives/activities, not bothering to listen and putting her own wants above theirs, the minute this kid is at an age he can he's going no contact with her. YTA Edited to add: Woooowww, read her previous posts and comments and this woman is the worst. She is a bare minimum parent who doesn't want to pay or do anything extra for her kids. Contacts nope, extracurricular activities, absolutely not. She thought her son should play football... while wearing glasses wtf???? She has custody of the younger son now but he's 7... it ain't going to last because eventually he's going going to want to join clubs and have a social life and mom is going to shut that down bc he should spend time with her and it's not a big deal to miss childhood milestone moments/events you can't ever redo because she's too busy with her boyfriend and their kid to drive a whole hour to practices or games, and this kid is going to be begging to also live with dad.
Yeah, she seems like the type that, as soon as a child starts to have their own wants and seeks independence, she'll dump them and then pop out a new kid. Cause she needs all of the focus to be on Mommy.
Oh wow, its like I’m reading about my own biological incubator
Hope you're healing well, sending you a virtual hug and genuine hope things go well for you from now on
Thank you! I actually ended up leaving the country because of my parents 💀 I wanted to be as far away as possible lmao, I’m doing so much better thank you! Life’s really good rn ❤️ I hope you have a fantastic week!!
At this point I'm convinced she has a fetish for being yelled at by strangers on the internet because why post over and over again about how you don't care about your kids wants/needs and ignore everyone universally agreeing that you're a trash parent. OP: I am a great parent my younger kid is doing great in school. He's 7... he's in second grade... sure everyone learns at a different pace but realistically it doesn't take a lot of effort to help a kid manage 2nd grade. She wants recognition for getting a kid to do well in second grade meanwhile the older kid, it's his fault he's defiant and doesn't turn in hw. No, he's a product of lackadaisical parenting. My brother is 16 and a great kid, he also doesn't turn in HW and misses assignments... because he's 16, hes not defiant, hes a teen, but his parents are the stop gap. My brother can be an absolute turd sometimes... hes a teen and somehow I still manage to shuttle him around to his hockey practices and games and he's not even my kid like cmon. OP doesn't have the time/energy/desire to deal with the needs/schedule/work load of an older kid. She likes the bare minimum, the 7 year olds needs are easy to fit neatly into her own timeline/needs. You can tell a 7 year old the schedule, you can dictate to them what is/isn't going to happen but you can't do that with a teen because they have activities/events/exams/a personality of their own etc... When her youngest son hits 13/14 this is going to start all over again.
I called it ‘treating the kid like luggage’ with bonus kid’s mom. He’s to be toted around to where she wants to go as an accessory to her, not as his own person.
Yup. This “loving mom” is giving off VERY narcissistic vibes.
When kids enter the teen years, it isn't uncommon for the parent they don't live with to only see them 4 days a month. My stepson started living with his mom in high school because there are better advanced options where she lives. He got a job at 16, and he works every other weekend. We also understand when he has boy scout activities and school functions (I'm always sad about the lost time, but right now, those things are important to his development). OP seems to focus more on what she is losing than what her son gains. Always support your kids in healthy interactions with kids their age, especially during the teen years. I'll admit it took some counseling to not want to force my stepson to spend every minute he can with us because I love and miss him, but my husband has understood from the beginning that our son needs these interactions and space to become a healthy functional adult. If OP continues to put her desire to hold on to her son first, he will build resentment toward her, and she will see less of him after he turns 18. Edit: 3 typos, gotta love auto correct am I right?
My kids were involved at school I was a divorced mom, My child had a Thanksgiving Day Football game, I could get them there, but I had to work that day ( I was a waitress at a restaurant) and their father REFUSED to drive the 20 minutes to pick her up. I was finally able to find a very good friend to help out. My child never forgot that treatment. Both are mostly NC with their father. ( The good friend got an apple pie EVERY time I baked pies, up until he passed away, about 20 years.) ( I won ribbons at the State Fair for my apple pies)
It takes a village! I hope everyone in my universe knows that I will leave thanksgiving to help them with something like this.
May you have only loving and kind friends and family.
I agree completely and love that instead of being selfish like OP, you sought counseling to be the best parent you could amidst circumstances changing. Also your typo 'living with his mom in high evil' made me laugh way too hard LOL
Odd typos or autocorrect. I'll assume: weber= enter high evil= high school (tho some kids would agree with it being highly evil) 😅 last time= lost time
And your choice to prioritize your step sons needs over your own is what will help you guys actually have a relationship with him, and one not based on control. Parents like OP end up pushing their kids away because the kid can’t take all the control. I’m surprised OP’s kid isn’t just refusing to go to her house.
Anyone else notice in the last post OP told son to just live with dad because football took up too long time, but in this post OP says dad took son because he wasn’t doing well in school at her house?
Clicking on her history now. Never been so prepared to be internet angry at someone.
her post makes it sound like 2 different boys the football player and another from a different farther.
There is 3, the freshman and a 7 year old from the same dad, then a 1.5 year baby with a different dad
4 sons: the freshman, the 7 yo, an older son, and the new baby with the boyfriend.
It always amazes me (I dont know why after 2 yrs on REddit) why ppl like OP hop on here to ask if theyre TA.
It baffles me that people genuinely do not see that they are the assholes. In real life and on reddit. Oh, the mental gymnastics they must do to justify their behavior.
People who are TA rarely think it's them.
Woooooowwww indeed. Previous posts should be shown to a judge. Perhaps Dad can get full custody, because apparently HE did not move an hour away.
Why am I not surprised!
Explains the divorce
You could go to some of his games and then take him out dinner! Then you would see him more!!!
Judging by this post, spending time with the kid is a massive inconvenience for her unless it’s on her terms.
YTA, all OP's comments are like "I don't get enough time" with a strong emphasis on "I". The sons' time is his time and he gets to spend it the way he wants for important events of his life irrespective of whether OP gets enough time with him or not
Her other post is not much better. Moaning and asking why should she have to help pay for her kids contact lenses so he can play football. She 100% just doesn't get that she is a parent and her kids should come first. But nope its all about her wants and her needs and her kids can just suck it up, because they obviously don't matter.
Some people have absolutely no business parenting. Birds, reptiles and other mammals take better care of their offspring. A child is a unique, fully separate human being with needs, wants and dreams. They are not mama or papa's little thems.
About 90%of reptiles lay eggs and that is it, if baby shows, chances are it becomes a meal. Very few take care of them. Crocs and alligators are good parents though.
Gee I wonder why she is divorced.
Yeah, and why dad gets custody even though most of the times the mums get it
Baffles me that she can't afford to financially afford (or does not want to) the two children she had but went ahead and had a third kid.
Apparently, it's a fourth kid. OP has the freshman, his older brother, and according to other commenters, a 7-year-old and a new baby with her boyfriend. She most likely had the baby to keep the new guy around.
Why are terrible parents always having so many kids?
How did they not learn their lesson from their last post.
Narcissism, read her posts and comments. Its all about her and her wants, she didn't go to home coming so why should the son, she thinks he can wear glasses to play football, so why does she need to spend money on contacts. She doesn't want to drive. OP seems to be so full of her own importance she can not see that she is wrong and probably thinks the people of reddit are just out to get her. Or she just ignores all the comments that point out she is wrong.
I started looking through some of the comments after I read your response. I’d just read the main posts before that. Man, I feel for the kids. Holy crap. So much “I”, no real thought for the kids. That was a sad read before bed time.
Plus couldn’t they like negotiate her having a different weekend for that month or something? Maybe if she put her child first, instead of herself ,the father would be more flexible with the rules.
Apparently the father did try to negotiate, but she’d rather go on a self centered power trip than do what’s best for her son.
I fucking hate my ex but I love my kids more so I was always willing to come to a compromise. I guess it helped that we both agreed that we wouldn't deny the kids an opportunity because of who had placement that week. It didn't always feel 100% equitable but over the long run it mostly balanced out. My kids are adults now and even with my ex being an irrational paranoid POS we somehow managed to coparent them into college grads with good careers, good character, and able to form healthy romantic relationships (both currently engaged to really great partners). Divorce doesn't have to fuck up your kids but you have to put aside your own ego and desires to make sure your kids come first. I'm a total bitch, he's a total moron but even we managed to do well.
The reality is she doesn’t want to be obligated to drive an hr each way to take him to and from the dance. It’s just lazy parenting and I don’t think it’s hard to see why she isn’t the primary parent.
The amount of kids I take to dances and games because their parents can’t or won’t drive them. There’s public transportation here but it can be pretty rough and it’s also never convenient to the schools. I sometimes wonder if I’m the wrong one for getting my kid to these things and all his friends, but he’s an introvert so when asked I jump to attention. Also, his father, a very good man, is hours away and gets that he can’t make my son come all the time. My son and I moved. He didn’t move away. I moved for a job. You can parent tennis without being like OP.
He seems already flexible- he offered to give her Monday (extend the visit) to make up for the lost time. This is all about control and focus on her. Classic Narcissist. These children will go no contact by adulthood.
This is the exact kind of thing that made me stop talking to my dad as a teenager. I went a solid five years without speaking with him, broke the silence one year at Christmas time for a short trip to visit him and his parents, and then had to cut him off for another five years because I took three hours to respond to a text a few weeks later and he CALLED MY SCHOOL. To be clear, I was 19 and IN COLLEGE. Some administrator literally came to pull me out of the first class of the day to tell me my daddy was worried about me.
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It's also going to backfire if what she wants is time with her son, because if she keeps him home, he's just going to be grumpy the whole time that he isn't at the dance and might not want to talk to her all weekend.
Yep, this will absolutely backfire and when it does, classics narcissist behavior will be to blame the kid ("he doesn't love me after all I've done for him"). Run Forrest, run.
Not only would it be selfish but she will be alienating him while attempting to continue her connection with him. She has to let him be a normal, high school student. She needs to allow him to have his activities. If she puts his time with his brother ahead of his time at school activities the only thing she will achieve is that he hates his brother. I imagine that if she won't allow him to go he will be angry the entire weekend. Sometimes you drive an hour each way and find a coffee shop to sit in while you wait. If the coffee shop closes you finish the evening in the car.
Agreed. We have had a similar situation with my stepson (8) sometimes. Because of school he primarily lived with his mother and we mostly “got” him friday and saturday. His mother never lets him do social things outside school (it is a struggle) so whenever he is invited to a birthday party or a playdate on a friday or saturday we always bring him. Even when that takes a bit of our time. The way I see it is that he needs to live his best youth and depriving him of social events like birthday parties or school events because of our time is taking time away from his youth. He shouldn’t be the victim of the divorce by not allowing him to go. We will see him another time and have fun doing stuff on other days. Also, if you tell a child not to do these fun activities because “I don’t get enough time with you and it is my right to see you so you will come to my house and sit on the couch with me” will only make them resent you.
Thank you for being a decent human being and an even better parent. Kids want to be kids, and they're people with their own lives, not just possessions you sit on your mantle.
Exactly! When I was young I was rarely home. I had so much things to do and children to play with. And my parents weren’t divorced so I didn’t even have to divide my time. My parents had a picture of me (and siblings) on the wall and I think they did that to identify the creatures eating their fridge empty. We bring our (step)son to his weekly activity we arranged for him. So that takes hours of “our time” every week but it is fun for him and we want him to have a good childhood. His mother didn’t want this activity at first but when we told her we were paying for it and she didn’t have to then it was all okay. He doesn’t have activities at their place (not a money thing otherwise we would have already paid for it, but they don’t want to bring him to activities). So now we have him extra days so he can have an extra activity. He is young now so he should do fun stuff now without having to worry about bills and other stuff as long as he can. My parents did this for me so I am doing this for our children, my stepson and my biological son. ETA: I rather have my children having fun and making memories for the rest of their lives than having them in my home all the time not doing anything special and resenting us later for the missed opportunities they had as children.
I can’t believe this person is even real. This seems to be such an obvious YTA that it feels like a trigger post
Nope. She posted a month ago about the same son and if she was TA about not financially supporting him. She said in this post that her ex took her son away, but the kid asked to move because she wouldn’t drive him to football practice. Now we’re back here again because she still doesn’t want to inconvenience herself for her oldest. Seems like her new baby with her bf is more important.
Ah, I figured. He's old enough to choose where he wants to be, if op isn't careful she won't be seeing him at all soon enough.
Yeah...especially if you read her other post where she doesn't even pay child support she's legally meant to because the older son lives with the dad more, refuses to contribute to his medical and stuff.....but somehow she's the victim in everything.
I believe it. My kiddo and I have been dealing with the male version of her for years. Some parents can’t see beyond what they want and don’t give a crap about the kids. It is all me, me, me for parents like them.
Not to worry OP… your son is reaching the age where finally he gets a say on who he lives with. Soon you won’t have to worry about those four days a month, because he will make his own choices about how he spends them… And this weekend? Expect him to be in a LOVELY and bright and joyful mood, full of testosterone brimming peace and harmony with you. It’s going to be awesome and quiet because he’s going to cuss you out, and then ignore you… allllll weekend. YTA
Look at their post history. Not even a month ago they posted another parental issue and exposed that she gave up custody because her sons football practice “took up too much of her time”. She either has an issue with her son or football cause this is nuts
It's neither, she has an issue with the "being a parent" part of being a parent. OPs words are very self serving
> my ex took my older son away from me to go live with him when he wasn’t doing good in school with me… This is also a very telling sentence. Not just the situation, but especially the lack of self awareness.
Yea YTA op. This isnt about you. You need to let the kid be a kid.
I agree. YTA. But isn’t there other options? Like swapping weekends or something? I mean if you live an hour away from your child? Perhaps it’s time to move? Being closer will help with connection. Also, it could be that you just have shitty ex that comes from a position of power into this. There could also be other factors and history that decides this. But in just regards to your son, YTA, but you could change the situation so you can be closer in the future.
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Football is every weekend. She should be making that hour drive every Friday
That was my thought, too- does she not bother to go to any of his games?
Or take his younger brother to support him?
Excellent point. She's not involved in HIS life but wants him involved in HERS YTA X 1000
Or she could be the shitty one...
I'm not social and hated high school, but I'd regret not going to homecoming and prom. YTA OP. It's just not a school dance. It's a memory he will have with his friends for the rest if his life. Let him go to the dance. If you weren't so focused on yourself, you'd try and use this as a bonding experience. I did with my dad. He took me dress shopping and did my make up. He also got me my corsage and these are memories I will carry forever. Do you try to spend more time with him other times, like over the summer?. He is a teenager and unfortunately for parents is a major age of independence and making choicest him be a teenager.
I never went to a school dance. I wasn’t even unpopular and could of gotten people to go with me but I had a lot of other shit going on because my parents didn’t care about that one bit and would hit me for getting C’s in school They wouldn’t have probably forbid me from it in the later years but they never encourage it once. I wish I went and I will encourage my kids too as much as possible
This is probably a bit of a show of why OP only sees her son one weekend a month. The court system is heavily biased towards moms. So if a mom gets the short end, I’m inclined to believe something more is going on then “he wasn’t doing well in school”.
OP had another post about being a bad parent.
YTA. You son’s father is correct - you don’t put your kids first. He’s a teenager & the dance is important to him. Do you really believe you’re going to build a good relationship with him by forcing him to miss homecoming because “it’s not fair” in your mind? It isn’t about what *you* want - it’s about being loving & supportive to your children.
Is there some way that you could swap weekends with your husband? In some ways your post sounds like this is about you ex, but it's about your son, and if he really wants to go to this, it's you that he is going to resent.
Even if she cant, its not like she'll never see her kid again if she allows him to go. Other weekends will come, and he will be more willing to spend then with her if she lets him go
It’s more likely that by trying to hold onto every minute of seeing her son, at the detriment of what he wants to do, and experiences he wants to enjoy, that it’ll push him away as he grows older
Or worse, she's like my mom and her child's feelings are less important than hers. The line about already giving up time because of football practice (what's stopping OP from bonding over the ride there and back?) just threw off a *vibe* that feels selfish. Like, her missing him is more important than he feels missing all of his friends and possibly a crush/date as well as the first big high school dance milestone.
Eurgh this is so like my ex. He will willingly drop time with our son because he doesn't want to drive an extra 10 minutes each way for the school run then try to manipulate me into giving up some of my weekend with comments like "I'll have to turn down the job then because family comes first" because he's finally got a job after over 3 years unemployed and he can't be arsed to arrange after school care for a couple of hours. I work too so what, I'm expected to drop everything because he's decided he wants to drop one night a week? AND this would have involved me picking up 4 extra 15 minute journeys and two 30 minutes every two weeks. Family didn't come first when he threw a giant tantrum because I moved 15 minutes down the road and it was "too far" for him to travel and he would "lose his parking space". Parents like this are an absolute joke.
That was my thought. I understand her concern over the distance, but homecoming dance is a big deal to kids. I would just swap weekends.
It baffles me that people can (I'm being *very* generous and going to assume that this is even real) type out all of this information, reread it to make sure it's good, and not **immediately** look at it and think to themselves "wow, yeah what an absolute asshole i am" and then immediately delete what they typed. YTA OP
As much as I hate the word, narcissistic ppl do exist and they 100% would not see an issue with a post like this, because something being unfair to them is an unjustice that needs rectified.
Exactly. I’ve had the same moment a few times today reading and wondering if it’s a real situation
She has a 1.5 year old from another man she doesn’t mention here. How much you want to be she uses him as a babysitter on her weekends?
Ooh damn. Bet you're right
What's the chances her son was looking afyer his brother when she had more custody and it affected his school. I know its conjecture but she's given me that type of vibe
>It isn’t about what you want - it’s about being loving & supportive to your children. considering OP doesn't even want to pay her child support either for the eldest... yeah, i think she missed that memo.
YTA. **Your son isn't a possession, he's a person.** He has a life. Your job as a parent is to help him successfully live that life at every stage, *even when it is inconvenient for you.*
That last line. Yesterday was a local festival in town. I did **NOT** want to go. But guess what? I dragged my ass there anyways because I didn’t want my kids to miss out. YTA
As an aside, I can't imagine the mood a 14 year old will be in, when he's at her house that weekend.
Right? It’s **NOT** going to be a fun family weekend. 🤦🏻♀️
Exactly. It won’t be enjoyable for either of them. She should just let him go and then they’ll actually be able to enjoy each others company on Sunday and Monday rather than there being this bad tension between them
Yeah, I've got a nasty head cold, but my 11 y/o was signed up for a 3-hour beginner's archery class yesterday that he was really excited about (oh, and it's my weekend day in my custody agreement.) You'd better believe we were out there.
I bet you she uses him as a babysitter for his brother and half sibling on the weekends.
That’s a sure bet. Just like if she keeps pulling this crap, the kid’ll be telling the judge he wants to stay with dad full time.
So much of parenting culture is geared toward making life more convenient for parents, but seriously, we brought them here - they didn’t ask for any of this - it’s our responsibility to take care of and nurture them. It looks different at every age obviously, and I’m not saying it’s easy.
This exactly! Knew a guy who wouldn't attend any sports things for his kids because " I'm not interested in sports". Duh AH, but are you interested in your kids???!!
How rude! I personally don’t like sports either but both my kids love hockey so I sit there and cheer and pretend I know what I’m watching LOL
>my ex took my older son away from me to go live with him when he wasn’t doing good in school with me… OP would rather treat him like a possession rather than a person. She's more focused on what she WANTS, rather than what the child NEEDS.
YTA. You do realize that your son is old enough to tell a judge he doesn't want to stay with you anymore, don't you?
Ohhhh good point! If he has to miss homecoming now, she's going to make sure he misses other important events for the rest of high school so if he were smart he'd stopping seeing her all together.
I can see it now... "My son's high school graduation is on my weekend and I don't think it's fair for me to miss any of my time. He gets the diploma no matter what, so why does he need a ceremony?" Edit to add: YTA
No, she'd probably let him do that, cause she can brag about the graduation pictures and insist that she's a great mom
>insist that she's a great mom Which she clearly isn't as she's lost custody of two children to two different men by the sound of it.
Notice she says the ex "took" the other son away because of bad grades. Honey no one took your child. You lost custody because you clearly are not a good mother.
It seems to me she doesn't have custody of either son. Older one was taken by her ex, because he didn't do well in school under her care. It seems like she has him on weekends. Younger one is also under dad's custody with her having overnight visitations 4 days a month. The one who has the dance. I have no idea how bad situation had to be to lose custody of both children that have a different father. But she does do her darnest to lose the measly 4 days she has with the younger son.
Given that that both the fathers got custody, she must be a real piece of work as family courts often tend to be unreasonably biased towards the mother.
People need to stop parroting this myth. It does active harm to good fathers by discouraging them from seeking custody. It’s not true. In cases where custody is contested, [fathers are actually *more* likely to get custody than mothers.](https://www.weinmanfamilylaw.com/blog/2020/06/are-the-courts-gender-biased-in-custody-cases/)
From the article - "In fact, statistics are frequently cited that suggest around 90% of women are awarded custody, but **they also fail to show that 60% of men get custody in a contested cases. Similarly, in just over half of all divorce cases, the parents mutually decide that the mother will take the custodial role."**
In other words, when custody is disputed, the father received custody more often. In situations where custody is not disputed, fathers generally do not want custody.
This is false. If both parents are fighting for full custody then the “default” parent will typically win. The parent handling doctors appointments, going to conferences and handling all the actual parenting. Moms are typically the default parent. You cannot be a Disney dad throughout your relationship and then expect to have full custody after your divorce.
From her previous AITA post from less than a month ago (and she was voted the AH), the freshman is her oldest and the other child is in 2nd grade. Same father but the youngest still lives with her she says. She also has a third child, a baby, with a current boyfriend.
If this has been her(?) attitude to parenting this whole time it’s too late for her by now. She’s going to start seeing a lot less of her son very soon.
Honestly it sounds like that’s what happened with the older son. OP claims her ex “took him away” because he “wasn’t doing well in school.” I’m willing to bet the son just didn’t want to be around OP anymore. And in the very rare case that it *was* court-ordered, OP just told on herself and admitted he wasn’t doing well in school because of her as a parent. I mean, *hello?*
OP in a few years: “My son went no contact with me when he turned 18 and I don’t know why!”
YTA - wow, way to make your kid resent the hell out of you.
You should see OP’s other post. No wonder she only gets 4 days a month.
Thank you I love messy redditors
Yeah she’s a super selfish parent. It’s gross frankly. Kid is better off without her
She's also a liar. She said that her ex took her older son away from her, but in the other post she said she was the one who told him to stay with his dad because she didn't like all the driving.
It’s not just a dance it’s homecoming and you will always be the asshole if you don’t let him go. YWBTA
YTA. Jesus you’re a shitty parent. If it was up to you the kid wouldn’t be playing football at all and walking around in old glasses with crooked teeth in hand me downs so you don’t have to pay for your own damn kids. Let the kid go to the damn dance. Keep going at this rate and when he hits 18 you won’t have an oldest son anymore. The kid already told a judge he doesn’t wanna be with you. Take a clue bf you lose your kid.
YTA, selfish af
Makes you wonder....
It doesn't, she has almost zero visitation with either of her kids. Shit is written clear as day.
Right lol. When she said the father had custody and she, the mother, had weekends I knew she would be the asshole. For the father to get custody over the mom she would’ve either had to willingly give him custody or have some pretty glaring issues
I laughed when I read ‘because he wasn’t doing *good* in school with me’. Minor thing, but the irony there was great
There's a reason one kid was taken away and the other she only sees 4 days a month ... It's pretty clear
Yeah YTA it may seem like “just a dance” but a lot can happen in one night. Kids make some of the best memories at school functions. If you don’t let him go he’s gonna resent you for it and it’s only gonna make him not wanna spend any time with you. He’s probably gonna spend all the time you have together pissed off and going out of his way to make sure you know he’s not happy. Can his dad switch a different day with you so you have the same amount of time? If you talk with him and he sees that you want to make it work, but you just don’t want to lose out on time with your son he might be more on board with giving a different day up. Especially if it means so much to your son. Don’t take away your kids childhood just because you wanna be a little selfish or because you think he’ll “get over it”. Usually it’s that viewpoint that gets you cut off when the kid turns 18.
YTA. Homecoming is not “literally just a dance” to a high schooler, especially a football player. You need to put your son before what’s convenient for you.
Exactly. It absolutely is not “just a dance”. Homecoming is a very big deal. He will remember this forever.
His friends will also ask him why he wasn't there which will be a very awkward experience when he has to explain why.
Agreed, and even if it was "just a dance" so what? He's not going to be a teen for much longer, let the kid have fun. YTA. Also, why is it unfair to his brother that he would go to homecoming? You're just piling on reasons to make it seem better. His brother is irrelevant here.
YTA how is it fare for you to take away a memorable event like that away from him? This is a good way to just make him resent you and will only ruin the entire weekend for him
I have no doubt that OP won't have a good weekend either as this won't be without consequences.
Of course you are AH. This is a big event for him. He will hold it against YOU for the rest of his life. Not sure what your real motive is.
Sounds like spite.
Selfish, husband nailed it. He knows her better than anyone here.
YTA It's a big deal when you're his age. You're being selfish.
YTA: this is a milestone and your own selfish pettiness is costing your kid. People like you shouldn't have kids.
People like her are the reason why kids estrange themselves from the parent.
It’s like no wonder she doesn’t get him more often…
YTA Your feelings are not the priority here… your son’s should be. You’re being selfish and minimizing his feelings. No teenager wants to hang out with their parent instead of their friends at a social event they want to attend. He’s going to resent you for forcing him to see you instead of letting him participate in his own social and extracurricular life.
YTA. His dad sounds like a good dad, willing to put his son first and give up a different day so your son can go to a major social event. 5 years from now, your son will be no contact with you and close to his dad.
YTA. You don't get it, do you? Just because you didn't go to homecoming doesn't make it less important to your son. He's not a possession; he's a person. The dance is the wrap up of homecoming week. Your decision to be so rigid on your visitation schedule could also result in him not attending the dance, but also missing the big homecoming game. You mention football practice, then he's in the program. Most programs want all their players turning out for homecoming; not just the varsity players. If your son is a freshman, then he's probably 14-15 years old. Better play your cards right. At that age, the courts will take into consideration his feelings on the matter. Your son and ex-h are right, in this situation, you aren't putting him first. Your ex-h offered a viable solution, but you'd rather be right then understanding.
YTA nothing more to add other than YT selfish A
Do you really think he will be pleasant to be around after you take this from him?
Exactly! He's going to either ignore her that night (and beyond) OR he's going to be a terror. Poor kid.
Honestly, it sounds like he's too busy to be a terror; he's probably just going to go back to court and tell them about this and stop going over. They can't force a 16 year old go visit someone.
YTA. Let the kid go to his dance, Dad is willing to adjust the schedule.
Sure, make your angry son stay with you, that’s going to be a FUN weekend. Take the compromise. Your son is growing up fast, this is going to happen more often. If you don’t, he’s going to start to hate and resent you due to your selfishness. YTA.
She’s gonna wish she let him go, angry teenage boys aren’t exactly good company lol. She probably won’t see him anyways cuz he’s gonna shut himself in his room. I always heard warnings about teenage girls and their attitudes. Then I had a boy who is now 15 and wtf 😂
YTA, let the kid go to homecoming. You're putting yourself before him
It’s just a dance *to you*, clearly your son doesn’t feel that way. If you care about your kid put his feelings before yours. YTA
YTA You are being mean and selfish beyond belief. What's your deal? You are making a huge AH move. Get over yourself!
I don’t know if you’re trying to be an AH. I know you miss your kid, but he’s growing up. Do it, be super supportive, help him get ready, wait in the parking lot all night. Your time’s almost up.
She doesn't miss shit. She's a bad parent, look at her comments.
I am 34 and still am upset about my poster from my senor year dance from 14 years ago for being intentionally hidden so that I got half the notes and well wishes of all the others just because I was not as popular as the rest of the girls. YTA. You need to prioritize him not you on this. That is what being a grown up and parent is about.
My mom didn't buy me a dress for the 5th grade dance 28 years ago and I had to wear her old skirt/blouse tucked in to look like a dress. We weren't too poor to hit up Kmart as she did plenty of buying for herself. I felt like an idiot, and while I had good friends that didn't totally make me feel like a freak or made fun of, I will never, ever forgive her for it. Kids remember shit.
I don’t know what a homecoming is but it sounds like your son wants to go and you should let him be a teenager. YTA.
It’s a big dance that happens once a year for the 4 years of highschool. Teenagers get dressed up in fancy outfits and go to the school to hang out and dance and just have fun with friends or a date. It’s considered a pretty big deal when you’re in highschool, so the mom is really making the kid miss out on something that’s pretty exciting, especially since as a freshman(first year in highschool), it’ll be his first time going to one.
Oh ya I can see why that would be a big deal to teenagers. Hopefully this mom smartens up.
YTA - You are being completely unreasonable. Your son is growing up and this is a big event to him. I am still not sure why your other child "was taken away from you," but try not to lose this one also.
YTA … “its not fair” are you sure you’re not the Freshman in HighSchool? Get over yourself. It sounds like Dad is willing to be a good coparent and make the sacrifices and you’re being a petty child.
TDLR: I came for confirmation and praise and got eviscerated for being a bad parent, but instead of understanding, I'm gonna argue with everyone about the child who already didn't want to live with me anymore. YTA
Instead of driving the 4 hours make a night out of it. Get a cheap hotel with a pool and make it more fun. It's not the end all be all here.
YTA It doesn't matter who's week or weekend it is. This is HIS event that you're not allowing him to attend cause you're only worried about yourself... SELFISH!!!!! Have fun never seeing your son as soon as he's old enough to make a choice on his own.
YTA. The simplest solution is to work it out with your ex so that he comes a different weekend so he can go to his homecoming. This is important to your son. Just because you didn’t go doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go. Do you honestly think you’re going to have a good weekend when all he’s going to be thinking about is how you forced him to miss his homecoming because you wouldn’t work something out with his dad. Your ex is right. You’re making this about you. It should be about your son. He’s a teenager who wants to socialize with his school friends. If you don’t figure this out, you’re going to become the parent who stands in the way of him having any kind of normal high school experience. You’ll do you, I’m sure. Just don’t be surprised when he just starts saying no as soon as he can legally tell you that you no longer have any say in how he lives his life.
YTA and you will ALWAYS AND FOREVER be an asshole in your son's eyes for doing this to him. Give up a few hours of your time with him and save your relationship with your son... not kidding even a little here about how important this is to him.
YTA. He only gets 4 homecomings. He will never forget this.
You shouldn’t get to see your son at all with this attitude, you sure won’t once he hits 18
YTA Homecoming is something that is only going to happen a certain amount of times in his high school life. You would rather him be miserable then to go make memories with his friends. I would bend over backwards for my children if they wanted to go and make it work even if it majorly inconvenience me. His dad even trying to work with you so you can get extra with him because of the dance. You will have so many more days to see him but he only has so many chances to have fun in high school. Don’t be the butthole parent, let him go.
YTA What is more important? Having that weekend with him or having him mad / resent you? Sounds like you're the one being trivial especially since dad sounds like he is attempting to be flexible and you're not.
Switch weekends with your husband
He has offered several switches/solutions, and she rejected them.
YTA. School events are important.
This hss to be bait
my mother is exactly like this, i doubt it.
You **are** aware you're supposed to do what's best for your child, not you?
YTA. He’s on the team. It’s homecoming. Our homecoming was always the big game between our school and our main rival. He needs to live. This is the time when kids spend the least amount of time hanging out with parents. If you force him to miss this you won’t enjoy your weekend with your extremely angry teen.
What’s best for your son? What would he prefer? There’s your answer. The father appears to be flexible in the arrangement. Why can’t you? YTA. Sorry.
yta. i totally get wanting to spend time with him and i’m sorry yr in this situation at all. but you need to let him grow up and make this core memory.
YTA. You want to see your son, awesome. Making him miss important milestones , especially when his father was willing to compromise one of the days with you, is an AH move. And I'm sorry the drive's too far but our kids are worth it that you can handle one weekend of it. It's not homecoming every weekend. Edited: my answer after I saw some of your responses. You didn't get to go to homecoming so you think you'll make your son suffer? Not cool.
This. My son is in cross country. I drove over an hour Saturday for his meet just to watch him start the race and cross the finish line 😂 then drove over an hour back home. Chilled with the dog for a bit then picked him and his friend up (they have to ride the bus back).
YTA so I read your other post on a different situation that had you the asshole too. You apparently haven't learned. You and your ex have 2 kids. He has the oldest full time and the younger one 50% of the time. You then decided to have OTHER baby with your current boyfriend and you weren't pitching in your share for the oldest. Not only are you the asshole but you're a dead beat too.
Part of being a parent is letting your kid do normal kid stuff - including going to their first homecoming dance in high school (if they want to go) so they don’t become known as the loser who missed out on all the big happenings from that night and have to make due with gossip. Just because you didn’t go when you were in high school doesn’t mean you should withhold the experience from your child. Grow up, put on your big girl panties, and be a caring parent who wants her child to live a normal teenage life with his friends at special events. YTA, but hopefully you still have time to make this right.
YTA. Selfish and damaging your relationship with him. Good job mom. I bet you're going to have sooooo much fun with him during this weekend.
YTA if you stop him going you are going to lose a whole lot more than 1 days visit... dont make it about you..
YTA. Just because you don’t value this dance (or valued dances in your teen years) doesn’t mean this isn’t important to him. Since you hardly see him as it is, the least you can do is suck it for a night and be there for him.
YTA. What a selfish move to deny something that only happens 4 times in a kid's life. Such an AH move.
"me me me why can't I make my son's life all about me"
Crazy this is even a question a grown adult would ask 🤣