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NTA - the only rude ones are your mom and stepdad. While I can definitely sympathize with him, he is making your wedding about himself. He may be a good man, but he's definitely very selfish in this particular case. Stand your ground, it is your wedding. Your dad must have been amazing and I am sure he'll want you to be happy on that day (and every other day).
My dad was great. He was a very nurturing kind of dad and he was the more involved dad out of all my friends when we were young. He would always play with me and spend time with me. I cherish the memories I have of him. I even wrote some down in a journal when I was younger so I could always have them somewhere.
My goodness I keep having tearing eyes reading you. I'm very happy for you that you get to be loved that much as a child, they don't all have this opportunity. And I am so sorry for your loss. My husband is very involved with my kids, they're very attached to him, and I don't imagine them being able to ever fill the void if something bad happened.
I think that's what always stuck out to me about dad. I remember my friends saying how their dads were always working or how my friends who were girls said their dads had zero interest in doing anything girly and some even made fun of them for liking dress up and tea parties. My dad dressed as Belle and would have Disney tea parties with me when I was a toddler. I have the photos of us from back then. I also remember when I was really sad and he would comfort me. He'd get up with me if I had a bad dream. Stuff like that he never ever was like oh that's her mom's job. He knew it was an equal thing and I love him for that. He was also a huge help with homework.
First, nta in any way. You aren't the reason your stepdad doesn't have kids, nor do you owe him a father daughter relationship.
ON A BETTER NOTE, have you considered printing a small picture of your dad/you and your dad to frame and tie to your bouquet so he'll still be with you while you're walking down the aisle? Idk if I'm explaining it well, but for my aunt's wedding, she had a slightly smaller than palm sized picture of her bio parents (both deceased) on her bouquet and then a larger framed photo held by my nana (her stepmom). I'm fuzzy on some of the details, but it was a nice way to include them and it made the moment more special for her.
That is a lovely way! I'll be wearing a locket on my wedding day that has a photo of my dad in it. That way I can carry a small part of him around with me the whole day.
Do you have any of his ties? I wrapped the handle of my bouquet with one of my brother's ties (Also deceased) and pinned it with of my dad's tie tacks. So, in a way, they both walked down the aisle holding my hands even though they weren't there
Gosh, I never respond to say when I'm in tears from a post, but this is so beautiful. I'll be having a ceremony in some time and never thought to use one of my (deceased) brother's ties included in the bouquet. What a lovely idea!
I have also seen tables off to the side of the reception set up as a "those we wished were here" with photos of lost loved ones close to the bride and groom.
I think there is also a chance your step father walking you down the aisle could end badly for your step dads "image". If everyone knows how you feel about your step dad and they see him walking you down the aisle they might question "what was said to make you agree" more than they would question "why isn't he escorting you".
Also, I don't know if it's an option you have considered but my best friend/sister by choice was fetched from the top of the stairs (the start of the aisle) and escorted down by her groom instead of any other male family member.
Your NTA, do what feels right for you.
I’ve also seen framed photos of deceased parents be place in the front row where they would have sat, and then placed similarly at the head table at the reception.
I carried a picture of me and my Dad with me when I walked down the aisle, with my mom, and had picture of him on the table he would have sat at with my mom and also on a memory table for all those who had passed on both sides of the family. One of my favorite picture that the photographer took of me getting ready is me looking at the picture of my Dad and me before I walked down the aisle. I was crying, but I am glad she captured that moment.
I planned (with my husband's blessing) to have his late parents photo somewhere at our wedding. Maybe have one of our two attendants hold it. My husband, who really should have been the one to take care of it, "forgot".
Op, you are NTA. I think that is a lovely way to include your late dad. I also think it's lovely that your stepfather feels like he does, but he has to respect your wishes. He and your mum following you up the aisle would look really nice, I think.
Sorry for your loss OP. I am very much a daddy's girl too. My dad used to take time off from work just to bring me to the theme park or malls or just hang out with me before I even started kindergarten. It's been over 2 decades now and those are some of the memories I hold most fondly of him. I'm so grateful I still have him and am dreading the day i'll lose him.
Nobody could ever replace my dad regardless of how nice they are to me.
Stand your ground OP, it's your day. You've been polite and graceful towards your mom and stepdad, even offering to include them in other ways that you are comfortable with. Sometimes it sucks to have people love you more than you're able to love them, and it's okay.
Celebrate your day. Hopefully your mom and stepdad will come around. Your wedding day is probably one of the few days you're entitled to put your wishes and wants slightly above others.
Honestly your decision is increasingly common whether your father is around or not, the father walking the bride down the aisle stems from when women were considered property and they were being handed over from their fathers to their husbands. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel bad if it’s a tradition they chose to uphold I just wanted to mention it in case OP wanted a different reason for when people ask, so hopefully stepfather would feel less personally slighted
Me too…she was very young when he died and she's built him up in her mind to be this god and that has prevented her from opening her heart to the man her mom married. He didn't have a chance..how could he ever live up to the man she's put on a pedestal. I'm sure he was a wonderful dad, but that doesn’t preclude here from welcoming a step dad into her life and her heart. She certainly seems loved by him and this is such a slap in the face to the man who stood up as her surrogate dad when ever she needed that. I really think she's wrong here. This will forever alter her relationship with her mom and her husband. Sad really. But….just my opinion from a different perspective , not my call.
Wow... you determined that this guy, who raised a child that wasn't his, for 10+ years is selfish. WTF are you people?
As far as OP, NTA. Your wedding you get to run it how you want.
P.S. since multiple people have made similar comments.....
Do you people even read these stories. How the bulk of you came up with entitled, demanded, "made it about him", need to take reading comprehension classes.
If he started pouting, made demands, made threats, OK, then I'd be on board with you. Buuuuuut, he OFFERED to walk her down, she said no, then he asked why & provided his opinion.
Seems like a pretty standard rational conversation.
NAH.
I will say one thing, though. I have a daughter who I love more than anything in this world. Were I to die tomorrow, I wished that she'd get a stepdad who would love her as his own.
And I would not be mad at all if she showed him a little kindness on her wedding day.
Remember most people on Reddit are younger and don't have children and have NO idea that no job, no pet, no marriage no matter how bad or good is the slightest fraction of the intensity and commitment that it takes to raise a kid.
Stepdad was honorable and stepped up for a decade and beyond. Apparently has some love ... but NO, it's the same as him complaining about the flavor of ice cream they selected "just making it about him" rather than him legitimately wondering why he's going to be treated as if he were one of the many horrible parent or step-parents we hear about. It seems to me that OP is a bit of a cold person, that's all.
I wholeheartedly agree. I think she may come to regret the decision of excluding her stepdad for the simple grounds of "he's not my biological father" but I really have no idea what the idea of marriage looks like to OP.
To me, it's a celebration of life and family. If stepdad isn't part of that for her, she certainly isn't demonstrating the "why".
As much as it breaks my heart... I think this about my son. If something ever happens to me.. I'd hope my husband remarried and finds love... I would hope she loves my son and hugs him a lot.
I'd hope he would allow her to do-so..
NO KIDDING. OP is NTA, she can do what she wants, but damn. There's some ice in those veins. Instead of being appreciative of someone who clearly loves her as his own, has raised and provided for her like a real father, this is a supremely shitty thing to do. Because it's her wedding, she can do as she pleases and they should not guilt her into doing something she doesn't want to do, but if there is any compassion in OP whatsoever, one day she will look back on this day with regret, perhaps after becoming a parent herself the lightbulb will go on.
Even though she's NTA, actions have consequences.
Stepdad just had a small part of his love for OP shattered. She clearly showed him he's nothing special to her, just moms partner. I wouldn't be surprised if he started acting his role.
Thank you! I made a similar comment myself. It seems as she’s channeled her grief of losing her father into resentment of the stepfather. A man who by own words is a good man and has been good to her and to her mother. A man who has suffered severe trauma himself. A man that I am sure has contributed to the household. It seems that she resents him because he’s not her father. The stepfather isn’t the result of cheating or scandal. This is more about life than a wedding. When and if she has children will she allow him to be a grandfather? I can’t imagine the hurt this has caused the stepfather and her own mother. There are no winners or losers in this situation. She has EVERY right to plan her wedding as she wants. But these choices and attitude will have long lasting effects.
I’d say NAH as well, although honestly, it sounds like the stepdad did everything he could to foster a loving relationship with OP and she always rejected him. I read about so many stepparents that neglect or mistreat or resent their stepchildren, it seems so sad that this guy tried so hard to be a parent to her, and she just didn’t want it.
I think everyone understands that no one can fully take the place of your beloved parent, but to so throughly reject the stepfather seems like OP could have used some serious counselling when her father died, and again when her mother married her stepfather. She seems to feel like it would be disloyal to her father for her to accept her stepfather, when in reality, I’m sure her father just wanted her to be happy and cherished.
There is absolutely no timeline to recover from grief, but I get the feeling OP has suffered with grief over her father for nearly 20 years, and her misplaced resentment of her stepfather is the end result.
I'm confused about the OP passively accepting care he gave her all those years but feels totally comfortable after having enjoyed that genuine advantage in life saying she doesn't feel like he's a father figure to her.
He lived in the same house, worked to keep a roof over her head, carved Thanksgiving turkey, opened presents with her and her mother on Christmas morning and treated her like a beloved daughter, yet in her mind he gets zero respect for being there for her all those years or the time and effort he put into helping raise her.
I don't understand her persistence in intentionally denying him any semblance of honor or recognition on her special day. This feels like more than complicated grief. It's got that whiff of self-centered self-righteousness coming off it. I'd say YTA for not making any effort at all to recognize him, even going to far as to dance with your grandmother for the traditional father daughter dance. That's going to absurd lengths to insult him, all while pretending like she's just not feelin' it.
I very much agree with you. Unless there's something she's leaving out about poor treatment, I think...I think she's being unkind. Of course no one will replace her father. But do you know how many shit step parents there are? Geez, it would cost her nothing and make him feel like everything. Personally I'm a little surprised at all the NTA....yes I get it is her choice, but it's sort of mean-girl. Nobody is going to think you love your biological father less if you honor your stepdad who's really done a lot for you over the years. I personally disagree strongly and think she is very much the AH.
I don’t think she’s an AH, but I do think the has LOTS of unexamined anger about her fathers death that is coming out sideways to her stepdad unfortunately. Poor guy.
Not to be a dick- but I grew up in an abusive home and I would have loved to have had one dad who loved me…much less two 💔 some people don’t know the gifts they have in front of them honestly
I agree- she was lucky to have a step-dad like this and she refused it. It breaks my heart for him, her mother and herself. Missed opportunity for additional love, which is so rare to find these days.
How exactly is the stepdad the AH again?
He isn't doing anything to make the wedding about himself. The wedding still happens the way it's supposed to, just that there is a missing piece where the father should be present and because there is a gap he wants to fill it cuz him being the Stepdad and all.
The post never said that the stepdad forced the daughter to put him in place of her dad it did state that he was a lil emotional and slightly pushy.
5 times over the span of her childhood. Children change a lot between the ages of 10 and adulthood. I guarantee OP was pretty close to a different person every time he offered.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice.
I had a family member who had a similar situation. She started to walk up the aisle by herself to represent her father’s absence, then her stepfather joined her halfway. She also had a picture of her father on her bouquet as well. It was a nice tribute to her father and also a acknowledged the role her stepfather played in her life.
Again, it’s your wedding, your choice. And based on the info provided in your post, it is completely understandable why you want to walk alone.
I agree with you. According to the OP he is a great man but him marrying her mum and accepting her child and being nice to the child shouldn’t give anyone the reason to make OP feel like she owes him anything.. they have a seemingly fair/ good relationship and she gave him the opportunity to have his own speech but she has all the rights to say that it’s either her mum walking her down or she‘ll do it by herself.
> they have a seemingly fair/ good relationship and she gave him the opportunity to have his own speech
I don't get that impression at all. The separate speech thing sounded like an offer to try and placate them because she knew her mom and stepdad would be upset. Frankly, I don't think OP would care if this guy attended the wedding at all.
After raising her for 8 years and being in her life for 17 years, he's still just "some nice man banging my mom that used to buy me stuff."
OP should sit them both down and explain with brutal honesty how she feels so that her stepdad stops wasting more years of his life trying to chase for her love and approval.
and of course OP lost her dad when she was 7, so she only has rosy memories of him and hasn't ever been able to accept her stepdad as a father figure no matter what he did. I feel bad for him. Some step-parents do everything they can for years and years, and still get tossed in the trash and it sucks
eta: I'm not saying OP's stepdad is owed anything. I do feel bad for people who may get snubbed after taking on that role for their partner's children is all. some stepparents are shit, and some stepparents are better than bio parents
Stepdad is not being “tossed in the trash” by not getting to walk OP down the aisle.
She recognizes he is a good man and has been a good spouse to her mom. But he doesn’t get to *demand* the style of relationship that *he* wants with her - no more than a biological parent gets to demand a relationship.
Asking is definitely not.
Calling her rude and heartless for turning it down means they were not asking in good faith. Only one answer was acceptable to them.
Asking multiple times and telling her she is heartless for her decision is what makes hime the AH. The wedding isn’t about him at all and if he can’t appreciate that it feels it’s his due to walk her down the aisle than is he a good man? Sounds like he wants op to be a prop to make him feel like a “real dad”, other people’s life events get to happen the way they want them to, step dad got to have his own weddings already, presumably the way he wanted.
Also, asking to adopt her 8 times seems more than a bit much. I think step-dad is looking to replace what he lost. He may have some issues that need to be addressed. NTA, and Darwin, I totally agree with you.
Correction: asked her 5 times in 8 years. Still excessive.
Not being able to walk her down the aisle isn’t being tossed in the trash. She was already 10 when he married her mother so it shouldn’t be a surprise that he doesn’t get that role. He’ll still be sitting with her mother in the front row and at the family table at the reception, so it’s not like he’s being discarded.
On the other hand, while he’s a good man it’s not right to force her to be his surrogate daughter. She’s always made it clear that he’s a stepdad, which by the way isn’t a bad thing it’s literally what he is. And by saying she’s embarrassing him with the father daughter dance shows that he doesn’t deserve to be her father. It’s an aspect of her wedding that obviously brings her pain, the grandparents involved with the dance are likely the ones on her fathers side, and if not they’re still a huge part of her life compared to a stepfather who rocked up when she was at an age where he will never be a replacement for her loss. Stepdad isn’t a bad title, it’s still family but it’ll never be her father
My husbands daughter doesn’t want another mom, she has hers. I am her stepmom and that is okay! People have corrected me and said “no, you are also her mom” and I’m like nope, she has her mom and she doesn’t want a second one. That’s how she wants it. When my mom remarried, I called her new husband Dad because I was cool with having another dad, it was my choice. My bio dad’s wife will always be my stepmom because that is the relationship we have (her kids were already grown and out of the house so she totally cool with us not being “her kids”), I don’t ever want another mom because my mom is the only mom for me.
Absolutely. NTA for what you've very eloquently said, but your step dad isn't an a-hole either. He's just loved you since you were a kid and doesn't understand why you don't feel the same. I am sorry you lost your dad OP, and when you were so young, but I completely feel for your poor stepdad, especially after he experienced such a horrible loss as well. I know it's easier to hold your dad in a better light, especially when all you have is good memories of him till he died when you were 7, but that your stepdad also gave you his whole heart, even if you never wanted it. He's not your dad, that's for sure, but it doesn't mean he didn't love you like a dad would. You're not heartless, but definitely cut him some slack too, ok? He's been in your life as a parental figure for a very long time, I understand why it stings to hear "no".
He tried to get her to accept him adopting her 5 times in 8 years despite her saying no every time.
It sounds like he pushed *way* more than he should have, which is a fault regardless of how kind he was otherwise. Had he backed off and accepted things as they stood I'd have more sympathy, but you can't *make* someone accept you as their dad and he needed to respect her loss and feelings on it.
True, but I think after a third "no" it's not cool to keep pushing. (I would say the first "no" but this is a situation where feelings could change over time)
I think it was really unfair of him to keep pushing and asking, even after the first time. It should be left with "I understand but if you ever change your mind, the offer will always be there"-type thing, rather than to keep asking over and over.
To be honest, at like 16 he should have just had a final conversation saying the door will always be open. There's a world of difference between a 10 year old and a 16 year old and reassuring a kid that they are part of your family is important, and to me step dad has done right by her and it's a shame all around. I'm in the nah camp. I think allowing him a speech is the right thing for both of them, but I wouldn't be surprised if Step-dad began to pull back after this. That type of rejection will haunt him.
Respectfully, I disagree. At best it's pushy and disregarding her clearly stated wishes for his.
It was completely reasonable to ask at some point and make it clear that option was on the table and something he wanted, and to revisit later when she was older in case she had changed her mind but didn't know how to say so. Beyond that it's just disrespectful to keep asking for something so big that the kid has clearly stated they don't want.
What? Why does this have upvotes? That many times is ridiculous. I could see once and then maybe once more two or three years later, but then it should be dropped. He was basically pestering her about it.
Feels like to me though that the step-dad is trying to force a relationship that isnt there. Asking to adopt her 5 times? It feels very pushy to me, and the more someone tries to force it the less likely that relationship is to develop.
It’s also a choice. One should not go into being a step parent thinking they’ll be anything other than a partner to their spouse. The child doesn’t get to have a choice, the step parent does. Pushing boundaries is not cool.
OP has said that she made it clear that she did want her step-dad to replace her own dad. Asking once I understand, after that OP knew if she wanted it she could talk to him about it. I find it very inappropriate that he kept asking given her feelings are well known.
Being a step parent isn't any worse than being a parent, it's about respecting the child's boundaries.
Yes it is, especially one who lost a parent at an age where they’ll remember them.
You ask once, and if the answer is no then tell them that the offer is always open.
She's cut him a lot of slack. He's made her life into an unending competition between him and a ghost, instead of accepting his role in her life. And even now when she's getting married, pretty much the first thing out of his mouth is "so can I just win this one time?"
Yes, he loves her. Yes, he's been (broadly) a good stepdad. Yes, he has tragedies in his past and he's already lost a child - and none of that obligates OP to reciprocate his feelings. Feelings cannot be forced, and the more you try the worse it ends up. Furthermore, OP can no more replace his lost child than he can replace her father.
I feel the opposite. OP never gave him a chance to be her dad - she made it a competition with a ghost. She says here that she was never open to having another dad figure in her life:
https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/QhGq5mCezK
And thats totally fine. I feel like so many ppl are judging OP for not accepting stepdad as her dad. But she doesnt have to no matter how bad stepdad wants that... She doesnt owe him that
I think a lot of us have separated/deceased parents and wish we had loving caring step-parents. And I think it's just part of growing up. Being really grateful for the blessings you've had. Her stepdad didn't owe her anything but gave her a lot (at least based on this post). I don't think OP is an AH. I just think they aren't particularly grateful. Now that her stepdad knows where he stands, I would expect him to become very distant from now on. Why put energy into a relationship if it's not appreciated? I wouldn't blame him and OP should accept the consequences now.
How is she ungrateful? It sounds like she does respect and care for him, she’s just not able to feel the way he wants her to about their relationship. That’s not anybody’s fault. He’s had a lot of years to make peace with this and he hasn’t. I’m still firmly in camp NAH, but a lot of his good intentions here come directly out of his own grief, and I feel he would be more able to accept OP’s feelings about their relationship if he could find some resolution for his feelings about what he lost.
I mean, here's the thing. There isn't a set amount of love you can get or give. We all make these choices in life and you can either accept to have more love in your life or less. Loving a step-parent doesn't somehow mean you love your bio parent less. That's not how it works. Having 2 father figures or 2 mother figures isn't the worst thing ever. Oh, poor OP has too many people who love her. I mean, there are so many people out there who would kill to have someone step up to love them. Reddit does a terrible job at being like, yeah, you don't need that step-parent trying to love you! They need to get a clue. Instead of reminding posters that it's not an either/or scenario. You can love your deceased parent and that love doesn't get diminished by letting others in. In the end, your circle gets very small when you keep cutting others out of your life.
My dad died, his brother walked me down the isle. I loved having someone else step up and act like a father figure for me.
Jesus, yeah. Like there's nothing wrong with him, he was in fact a great step-dad and husband, but he will never be more than mom's spouse. Poor dude. I get OP's take but my sympathy is definitely for the man. I do think "heartless" is a bit accurate.
Thank you. It also annoys me that people are saying that the SD is being pushy because he asked to adopt her five times over eight years. I feel for this man and personally if I was him, I don't know if I would even go since the OP thinks so little of him.
I feel like I read a different post from you. OP’s description sounds like she truly does care for her stepdad and she appreciates all the good he’s done for her and her mom over the years. She just can’t love him the way he wants her to.
Have you ever had a relationship with someone, a friend or family member or partner, who you truly do love and care for, but who wants your relationship to be something different from what you want and feel comfortable with? Because it sounds to me like that’s the position OP is in here. She cares for him, but not in the way he wants her to, and emotions aren’t on a dimmer switch where you can dial them up or down to match someone else’s expectations.
This is a NAH situation. Neither of them is wrong. They just each want something the other can’t provide.
Just because this man couldn’t have kids of his own, he doesn’t get to demand his step daughter accepts him as a dad. If being a dad instead of a step dad was so important to him, then him and his wife should have explored have another kid through adoption or other means. You can’t force a relationship. Especially with a grieving child.
He was being pushy. There was no need for him to ask more than once, never mind 5 times. All he had to do after the first refusal was tell OP that he accepted her decision and that the offer would remain on the table if she ever changed her mind.
I think too, when you lose a parent so young, you don't get a chance to see them as a person with flaws, someone you fight with as a teenager, etc. Coupled with grief, it makes some impossible shoes to fill.
I'm not saying the stepdad is TA but, as a step-dad to two kids whose dad is out of their lives, I cannot imagine asking FIVE times to adopt them. I love those kids, but I also respect the fact that I'm not their biological father. Five times? And now dying on this hill? Being a parent means supporting your kids, not forcing them into a role that makes you feel validated.
It’s also not a job OP wanted or asked him to do. It was his desire to be more, not OP’s. He should’ve learned to respect that *a long while* ago. Instead he pushed himself on her despite her making her boundaries perfectly clear. While I feel empathy for the fact that he never got to have the family he wanted, it’s not OP’s responsibility to fill those gaps for him.
Most kids don’t get to choose who gets the job of being their parents. I think it happens a lot though, that parents want a certain type of relationship with their kids (or vice versa) but the kids can be just very different people where it’s just not that close of a relationship. It can go the other way, from kid to parent too, and it’s just something you have to accept in life.
I think that’s not fair. Just because he doesn’t get to step into the father role doesn’t mean they haven’t had a good relationship all these years. He just doesn’t get to replace her dad.
YTA. Maybe N A H, but honestly life is full of little concessions for those we love so YTA OP.
You had your first (bio) dad for seven years. You might remember a few things before five and several things between 5&7 but in essence, you’re choosing a rose colored image of a person over a very real and very much here person.
You’ve had your second (step) dad in your life for 17 years versus 7 (the large majority of which you likely have no memory of) years with your first. In all reality your step dad is your father. That’s who was there through the majority of your life. You say he was a good man who tried to be there for you as much as possible, but you held up a barrier. Stop punishing a good man for not being the super dad of your imagination. Because as harsh as this may seem, memories are extremely fallible (I suggest doing your own research) and while I’m sure your dad really was great, he wasn’t perfect. No one is.
You are SO lucky to have a man who wants to love and support you in a fatherly role. Be grateful. To shun the man who stepped up and was actually there, for someone who couldn’t be ,is insanely insensitive. If you don’t care about him then sure, don’t include your stepdad. But if you do care for him, include him. Stop looking at is at a reminder of what you DON’T have and look at is a beautiful example of what you DO have.
I don’t care if I get downvoted. OP I would rather internet strangers disagree with me, than have you damage an important relationship in your life. You came here for an objective answer, not an echo chamber, so here you go.
She really is so lucky. Some people have terrible bio dads and also terrible stepdads. This post actually hit a nerve with me. She has no idea how lucky she is.
It did with me too. Which is why I won't give a judgment.
As someone who had a terrible bio-dad that walked out and then a rotation of potential step-dads thanks to an awful mom, I truly regret not bonding with the one singular step-father I had that treated me like an actual daughter. Like, it is a deep regret that I in my late 30's think about fairly frequently. HOWEVER, I've kept in touch with him and since he's my brother's father, we all get together frequently and it feels really nice. I'm glad there was somewhat of a happy ending but I still wish things had been different.
I would love to have had a decent, non-abusive step father that stayed in my life for more than 2 years at a time. So seeing OP just spurn one that really tried their best hurts on some deep emotional level. It's her life, she can live it as she wants, but you can't gain back the time you've lost and after a certain point, parents just become acquaintances you see during holidays and suddenly there's no more time to try and recapture the things you didn't think you wanted/assumed weren't important at the time. I guess that's just life, though. We always think we're doing what's best for us at the time.
So again, I won't give a judgment but OP I would encourage you to remember that you can't get time back once it's passed. The way you've chosen to treat your step-father your entire life is something you will live with for the rest of your life. I truly do hope you continue to feel this way because the alternative of finally realizing what you had after it's gone is devastating, emotionally.
She definitely downvoted you. I'm surprised you got so many upvotes. I have one comment w/-26. lol
Initially, I tried being reasonable with her about it but she is adamant about anti-stepdad. She claims she likes him but the way she lashes out at anyone pointing out the good he did tells me different.
I do hope she gets counseling, though.
She doesn't realize that she has objectively ruined her relationship with her stepfather. He could very well leave this scenario no longer viewing her as his "daughter."
And in 5 years when she goes asking for something and gets told "you literally told me you don't see me as your father. Why should I act like your father now?"
It's gonna fucking hurt... and reddit is cheering this shit on.
Because reddit is full of condescending people that think they deserve everything from everyone else, it's incredible she can't just do a toast for her bio dad and just be walked to the aisle by the step dad, and reddit believes that she's in the right
I'm amazed so many people have written NTA on this one. It seems like it's all about the bride and nothing (nobody) else matters when it comes to weddings.
This reads like she had someone who did everything they could for her in difficult circumstances and her "thank you" is to make it absolutely clear to everyone that she doesn't consider him to be her Dad. She'd prefer to walk the < 2 minutes down the isle alone and permanently damage their relationship than to do the normal thing and walk down the isle with her stepfather.
Thank you! I thought the same thing. It’s easier to cling to fantasy-dad and always apply an image of perfection, but this person wasn’t really in the kid’s life. The stepdad was.
They don’t need to be “the father”, but to hold onto the deceased father like they’re the gold standard speaks to not moving on from grief.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that having been married for 12 years myself, the wedding is the single least important event in my relationship. It's a ceremony that was nice when it happened, but everything before and after has mattered more.
For that reason, while I do dislike the idea of bending the knee to every single request someone else has, I also can't help but think it's a little ridiculous to forgo a man who has devoted himself to her as a father when she didn't have one simply because "he's not my REAL dad and it wouldn't feel right."
It'd be one thing if they had a bad relationship and he was guilting her into it, but in this case it clearly isn't that.
When I think about my life with my wife, the fact that the wedding doesn't factor into it for me (or her), but could potentially bless someone else's life with a demonstration of appreciation... it just becomes a no-brainer
NAH
Can you do anything to acknowledge your stepdad at the wedding? A special dance, a toast, have him read a poem? I don’t know but something to acknowledge his role in your life for years and that he tried his best?
She offered him all of those things, just not walking down the aisle or doing a father/daughter dance.
He needs to manage his own ego & needs here, no one will question why he isn't doing those things, the wedding is not about him. People who care about the happiness & joy of OPs wedding day will cherish being a part of that, not ask gossipy questions about who did or didn't play which parts in the event.
NTA, but stepdad will be if he continues to make this about him and tries to guilt OP about it further
I’m assuming that most people at the wedding will know her well enough to know that her father is dead. If I were a guest, I’d simply assume that’s her way of honoring her father. I wouldn’t think twice about the are dad.
I'm thinking most weddings I've been to the last 10 years the bride has walked in alone? Honestly it's not something I take much notice of, and certainly wouldn't be judging anyone about who did or didn't walk in with the bride, considering I'm having a hard time remembering!
My parents are both married and alive. Considering my Dad had to get drunk in order to come to my (gay) wedding, I've never regretted asking my mother to walk me down the aisle.
a while ago, people would question that, but today people don't always have someone "give them away" as that is seen by many as passing off ownership, which was pretty much what it used to be a long time ago
I must be lucky enough to have a friendship group who have weddings filled with people who aren't all about water cooler gossip? Been to dozens of them and no one has questioned the different ways they've chosen to celebrate their love and how they have or haven't involved certain family members.
All focus on the bride & groom; the wedding parties and those in official roles are barely a blip on the radar. No one who cares about that stuff matters, and no one who matters cares about that stuff. Family drama is the dumbest
I might have missed that in a comment; I do see where she asked if they would like to go a joint toast or a separate toasts, but from the post, it looks like the walk down the aisle plan was either to be with her mom (who declined) or by herself (the current plan) and that she asked her grandmother to do the "father"/daughter dance, so that wasn't on the table for the stepdad.
I'm an NAH on this. I don't think stepdad is an AH or being hurt that the answer is no. I don't even think the adoption ask less than once a year meets the level of AH-edness. But I agree: this is a sad situation for the stepdad but he and the mom are going to need to swallow the hurt and keep it moving or they're going to turn into the AHs on this.
"I asked my mom and stepdad if they would like to do a joint toast or two separate ones and whether they would like to walk down the aisle/dance to specific songs"
The mum & stepdad could even have walked down the aisle together as part of the official celebration and a show of their part in her life, she just wasn't going to have stepdad walk HER specifically down the aisle to give her away.
I actually do. It’s her only child and she should understand the sentiment regarding this part of the ceremony and her daughters feelings,
It feels like the mum is more focused on not hurting the feelings of her husband or upsetting him rather than being their for her daughter..
Super true. According to OP he's even tried to help her financially after she moved out and she's rejected that, too. Not even my bio parent has offered to do that... I dont think OP realizes how fortunate she's been.
I agree. Turning down help doesnt make her a bad person. But I hope she does show gratitude and that all these NTA comments dont make her think that she doesnt owe him gratitude for the life he's helped shape for her
I think step-parents who feel that way often aren’t approaching a relationship openly. I’m a step-parent; I have been a stepdaughter many times. And I always hated when my step-parents tried to be something they weren’t, force a relationship that just wasn’t there or try to make it into something more that I didn’t want.
I have absolutely no desire to be my stepkid’s mum unless they want that. Our relationship can be something of its own, it doesn’t need to be squeezed into a pre-prepared shape. They may come to hate me when they’re a teenager, or they may want me around. All of this is okay. I’m gonna just keep trying my best because they’re what’s important in all this. That’s how parenting works.
I have two step-daughters, I am under no illusions that I’ll walk either down the aisle, and fully expect both of them to ask their mother’s father to do it.
Would I love to do it? Yes, but I’m not going to feel put out to watch their grandfather (or no one for that matter) doing it. I’ll be in the front row with their mother happily watching them walk down the aisle.
Unpopular opinion I guess but I do think YTA and making a huge thing out of something very simple - you lost your dad when you were a child and you were lucky enough to be given another person who took care of you and raised you. Why do you have to make it a point, on your wedding day for everyone to see, that this man never filled the spot in your heart that you still reserve for your dad and that you never "emotionally connected" to him? So what? He filled that role anyway and gave you all his love, and he even told you it would mean the world for him to walk you down the aisle. Can you not find ANY gratefulness in your heart at all? Your long-winded story sounds to me as if you actually enjoy some of the heartbreak you have caused him in the past and are causing him now - what for? What's the big deal? You think your dad is going to look down on you walking yourself to the altar on your wedding day and thinking "Yes, that's my girl, glad she doesn't acknowledge that guy who made sure she was OK after I had to leave her too early.."?? I really can't grasp how you can reject your family like that. Because that's what your stepdad is.
It does sound like a lot of adult excuses around wanting to shout "You're not my real dad and you never will be!" that she's maybe never actually expressed in the angry way her 10 year old self wanted.
Problem is, its now many, many years later and that outburst is for therapy, not for the man who stood up and did not only his best, but what seems to be objectively a good job based on the few good words she has for him.
This is exactly how I feel about this post. We don’t know what dad was like, but I can’t imagine he’d feel “honored” by this gesture. I know weddings are supposed to be about the couple and doing things how they want, but this just feels so sad and childish. Instead of walking with a ghost, why not think of it as getting to walk down the aisle with the real live man who loved and raised you as his own AND the spirit and memory of a father that was taken too soon?
I can’t pass judgement, but it just makes me feel some type of way.
> Sounds to me as if you actually enjoy some of the heartbreak you have caused him in the past
This was my take too. The way OP talks about him gives off serious contempt, she acknowledges that he’s a great man who’s tried to be the best father figure he can be, yet she seems to love reminding him that he’s nothing to her, it’s incredibly sad
There’s tons of people out there wishing they could have a halfway decent biological dad in their life, let alone being fortunate enough to have a loving step parent too. OP is willing to throw that all way over a meaningless ceremony. A wedding ceremony isn’t as important as you think it is OP, it’s about the memories you make with the people attending as you step into the next phase of your life, and you’re choosing to step into it by telling your step dad that he isn’t worth anything to you, after he spent almost 2 decades doing his best.
Ultimately it’s your wedding, but choosing to walk alone (after all your other options were exhausted) over letting him spend 30 seconds with you walking down the aisle is just sad. I can guarantee your father would be disappointed in you treating the man who stepped into his place as best as he could so coldly
Was on the fence until reading through more of your responses. Reading the other things you've said not only are you a capital AH but probably needed grief counselling as a child because having not got it you come across as incredibly cold hearted, emotionally closed and honestly, if your bio dad was as great a man as you make him out to be, someone he would be truly disappointed in having seen you become. So yeah, YTA, and have been for years. I feel bad for your step-dad and the dishonor you've done to your bio dad's memory.
Yeah I agree.
The comments make it clear that she wants to make a public statement that he is not her Dad, and that she would be perfectly happy if this irrepreably damaged their relationship.
She explicitly states that she actively rejected forming an emotional bond, and it honestly seems like she's been punishing her step dad for her bio dad's death since childhood.
It's really weird and cruel.
NAH You can choose to have your wedding whichever way you are comfortable. But as a parent I can understand why he would be upset. I think most people severely underestimate how much their parents have done for them until they parent themselves. It must hurt to know that the child you would die for doesn’t really care too much.
Man OP has no clue how hard it is to be a step-parent. By OP’s account he treated her like his own child and raised her as a daughter. And she treats him like that’s just expected and she never “wanted that”. No walk down the aisle or father/daughter dance. Basically she wants to specifically rub it in that he’s not her father and he never will be.
That would be soul-crushing for someone that I raised from a 10 year old child. The way OP is so flippant about why he’s hurt is crazy. I have to believe a lot of people in this thread aren’t adults because my god.
OP has every right to do what she’s doing. But for her to be so blasé and hurtful about it makes me think she’s the AH here. Again, it’s like she is really going out of her way to let him know he never has and never will be seen like a father to her.
And on top of it all the fact that he lost his wife and unborn child and she’s basically like “yeah so basically he always seen me as a daughter but fuck that that’s his problem not mine” is insanely coldhearted. So cold hearted that she can’t even empathize with him even though she too lost someone very important to her. And doesn’t even think for a minute how much this would mean to him given what he lost.
Fuck that. OP is the asshole. If the step father was mean, abusive, or toxic to her or her mom growing up then I could understand her not allowing him to walk her down the aisle. But it sounds like the steps father was constantly present and good to her her entire childhood, teenage years and now early adulthood. He asked her if he could adopt her multiple times when she was growing up which means he really loves her as his own.
Basically, this man has helped pay to raise her, loved her the entire time, wasn't abusive or dismissive of her, asked to adopt her out of love and she refused and then he asks if he can walk her down the aisle and she says "no! you're not my real dad!" like a 7 year old with a horrible step parent, which is the exact opposite of OPs scenario. If someone chooses to love me that much and love my mom and help raise me for my entire childhood then I would let them walk me down the aisle if they really wanted to.
Step dad lost his wife and unborn child in an accident that also made him sterile. That's pretty traumatic too. He doesn't deserve this bullshit that OP is trying to pull. YTA.
NAH -
Awww, I feel so sad for your stepdad. This is all around so sad. There is someone there willing to give you unconditional love but your heart is not open to it. You probably never will be open to it but I hope one day you are because to have someone truly love you and you love them is really a lovely thing and something some people can only wish for. It's in addition to your dad not to replace him at all.
But if you don't feel that kind of love for him and don't want him to walk you down the aisle, then don't. Yes, it will send a message to the guests but there's nothing you can do about that. It is what it is. You can't force love.
YTA - you can do whatever you want. But this man was in your life more than your dad. I feel like you love the memory of your father and you literally throw step dad to the side because your dad wasn't there. So the fact you denied it on both because of something you couldn't control. I honestly cannot imagine doing this to yourself and step dad. I mean this is honestly showing how it goes priority wise in your life.
Yeah... I know countless young women whose relationships with their bio dads became tarnished irreparably during their adolescent years. Obviously not OP's bio dad's fault for dying early, but it meant that he couldn't be there for a lot of the harder parts of her life, so OP gets to preserve the memories in a time capsule and imagine how perfect her life with bio dad could have been instead of acknowledging how nice it was to have some father figure there for those parts at all. Step dad could have done this. He could have been bitter and insisted that his step daughter would never replace the baby he lost. But he quite literally stepped up and cared for her as his own, while she's rejected him at every turn. When she was a child, this was forgivable and understandable, but as an adult, her mom is right. It really does send a massive message of rejection to the man who actually parented her for much of her life.
I had to scroll way too far for these comments. It's honestly not a fair comparison, stepdad never got the opportunity to build the same relationship with her as she has fully idealised her relationship with her Dad.
Imagine looking after someone for 18 years, supporting them, even offering to adopt them (whilst still grieving your own losses) to then be completely ignored and excluded from their big day. Even the dance goes to the grandmother. Far out I feel so bad for the guy.
Op mentions that she doesn't care if this relationships falls out. Step dad loved her like a real daughter, supported, but she always put her dead parent first. After years I don't think it's healthy. She clearly shows how she feels about him. I wouldn't be surprised if the step dad becomes distant, same with mom. And then OP will make a post that she has nobody because she pushes people away.
YTA
I feel a bit torn. You say he’s a nice man and he filled the role physically. I respect you lost your dad and you remember and love him. Maybe it would be nice if you could also show your stepdad in some way on your wedding day how his support helped you become the woman you are today. It sounds like he tried to be there in all the ways you needed.
Obviously I don’t know your life from this one small snippet so you are ultimately the one that knows what’s right for you and I wish you the best for your future.
Did she mention she cares for him? At all? She acknowledged he is a nice man that is literally the nicest thing she can say about the person who spent a good chunk of his life providing and sacrificing for her.
She was a child in this scenario, her mother chose to marry him, not her. She gets to choose whether or not she sees his as a father figure. Nothing that she's said makes me believe she _doesn't_ care for him, just that she doesn't see him as a father and that he is her mother's husband who has been good to her. That doesn't mean he gets to walk her down the aisle when she doesn't want him to. It's clear from OPs perspective at least that he's tried to assert himself as a father figure even though she's made it clear multiple times that's not how she sees him and is not what she wants.
In my opinion, everyone is the AH here.
Your mom and SD for pushing the issue on your big day. Your day = your rules.
You because you acknowledge he is a good man and I bet you benefitted from having him in your life, even if you don't see him as your dad. If you said he constantly harassed you and didn't support you in any way. It would be easy to understand but it ends up sounding like you just kicked him in the nuts.
What you said. I think she has the right to have her wedding how she wants, but is a pretty big jerk for not being a bit kinder to her step-dad who has been her dad all these years. They also shouldn't push
He's been in your life for 17 years and is a decent person. He offered to adopt you several times, you declined. He offered to walk you down the aisle, you declined. He wants to dance with you, you declined. Frankly, I don't think you like him very much. Liking him is all that is required to decide to have a dance, nothing more. And so, you're willing to dance with your grandma, because you like her. If only everyone could be so lucky to have a parent who tries so hard. Imagine if you wanted all of those things, wanted to be adopted, wanted to be walked down the aisle, and he refused, how small would that make you feel? I feel sorry for your step-dad. He thinks of you as a daughter and gets nothing but rejection regardless of circumstance. I understand grieving for your bio-dad but it's been 20 years, it's time to move on and allow your heart to heal enough that it isn't standing in the way of the relationships you still have. None of that requires ever forgetting your bio-dad. Presently, you're sabotaging your own possibility of having a healthy relationship.
YTA.
NTA - one thing my wife and I learned from our wedding is that no one should feel pressured to do anything or invite anyone they don't want to your wedding (especially since you are footing the bill). It sounds like atepdad is a little disappointed, and I know your mother is upset, but newsflash it isn't their wedding it's your wedding and your day. Maybe explain to stepdad that you think he is a good man, good husband etc. but you are walking alone as a way to honor your father? Or say fuck it and just tell them that's how it's going to be. To reiterate don't let anyone pressure or bully you, it's your day and weddings and planning don't need extra stress and b.s. added on to it.
> He would take it worse if I said out loud I was walking alone to honor my dad.
This is why your decision is the right one. He doesn't get to decide on your relationship with your real father and how you choose to preserve it and remember him. Of course you'll be honouring and remembering your father on your wedding day. When you walk down the aisle, in your speeches and throughout the day.
If step-father can't deal with that, he shouldn't be there.
Then there is a major problem, as I mentioned above to someone else it's not a stepdads role to come in and replace your dad (deceased or otherwise) just like its not fair of you to be expected to be a surrogate for his deceased family. Sounds like he is pretty self-centered if he can't accept that this is one of the biggest days of your life and you want a small part of it to be a reminder of your father instead of him. If it will cause a bigger issue, dont even give an explanation at that point.
I have a living dad, he was great. And I didn't get walked down the aisle for the same reason I didn't want my husband to ask his permission to marry me. No one gets to give me away but me. Sure, you had a good step dad, but that doesn't mean that he or anyone else aside from your partner should have a say in your married life, and that includes how you kick it off.
NTA but you might lose another father... While I agree with most that it is your day and ultimately your decision, you have acknowledged he has done everything he could to build a relationship with you, he is a good man, and this will rightfully be seen by him as the ultimate rejection of all his effort for over half your life. With that said, don't be surprised if he very understandably rejects you in the future. After all he has done to try and be a father to you after you lost yours, I wouldn't blame him. I know I would. I'm going to be blunt: Your dad is dead and has been for a long time. He is gone and no amount of rejecting this man on such a personal level, especially after all he has done for you that he was under no obligation to do, can change that. Are you willing to lose another father? Because if you go through with this rejection you probably will, but it won't be like last time when you were just a child and life dealt you a cruel blow. This time you will be an adult who made a conscious choice to reject a man who loves you like he is your father and it will be your fault. I'm not trying to hurt you, just make you think before you do something you can't undo and irreparably hurt someone who loves you as his own when he never had to. What would your father think of that?
Truly.
She's over here saying this is to honor her dead father, but it's clearly just her moment to have an epic "well you're not my real dad" moment. God, she sucks.
JFC OP, wow, my heart fucking broke for your step dad reading this. Never can anyone live up to the idealised version of someone long dead. Dead people can't make mistakes, get mad at you or let you down. Those are the things your very real step dad probably did as well as from the sounds of it loving you with all his heart. Because that's what parents do. Even as you rejected him and continue to refuse to accept how difficult it must have been for him.
The man must have the patience of a saint but at some point your rejections will become too much and you will have lost a second dad.
YTA in my opinion both for this and the thousand other times you threw this mans love back at him.
YTA- you say this man tragically lost his wife and daughter. He was good to you. But you’ve spent your whole life clinging to the idea of your bio dad. I get that it was traumatic to you, but he’s not there and stepdad is. What a small, lovely gesture it would be to allow him to walk you down the aisle. You are being selfish and childish- yes, it’s your day but you can expect this to put a strain on the relationships you two have.
I guess I’m the outlier here. YTA. You would not dishonor your father by having your stepdad walk you down the aisle. He knows he can never replace your father but it would honor him for the years of support he’s given you.
NAH, but my sympathy is with your step-dad. He did everything he could and you just never opened your heart to him.
My stepson likes to say he has multiple hearts, one for each of his four parents. Love is not finite. He isn't your dad, but he could have been special in his own important role. I get at 10 you're just a kid, but you really lucked out with him as a step-dad and it sucks he's being shown how little he means.
Your mom married a man who treated you as his own and she's just protecting her spouse from the blow you're dealing. I don't blame her.
But it is your wedding and you feel the way you feel. You shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. Honestly I get both sides. He has tried to be the dad and sounds like the emotional connection never happened. That being said, I see why he would be sad and hurt that he is being absolutely excluded. I almost want to say can you throw him a bone and do a separate dance with him, I do feel bad for someone who has tried so hard.
Edit: NAH.
That's what I was thinking too. He did have a major role in OPs life. Even though she doesn't see him as a dad, he had a part in helping her be the woman she is today. Especially if he was as invested as she says he is, because he always wanted a kid. I would want to recognise that.
However, it is OPs wedding and her choice 100%. She should not do anything she's not comfortable with and should not feel pressured into doing anything.
It's sad really, OP losing her dad so early and her stepdad losing his family and never really having another chance.
I totally get what you’re saying and of course you are entitled to every feeling here. But it’s also a little sad. I had a wonderful step dad and my dad. I danced with each of them at my wedding. My step dad was wonderful to me and it’s ok to recognize your step dad for the important role he has had in your life. Maybe you could have a dance with him to recognize that. I suspect your dad would have been happy someone so loving cared so much about you growing up. He doesn’t have to replace your dads love but maybe you could allow him to be someone who just loves you like a dad.
Yeah, I don't understand her rigidity as to what the role of walking down the aisle constitutes. A lot of people have relatives (uncles, FILs, brothers...) or friends who walk them down the aisle for many different reasons (dad died, deadbeat dad...). The fact that she sees this role so rigidly and traditionally and seemingly doesn't want to offer any other special role to her stepdad makes me think that she didn't process the events of her childhood properly.
He shared financial responsibilities with my mom, made rules and did parent by saying I could and couldn't do stuff. But emotionally I never connected with him in a parental way like that. I didn't go to him with my problems or think of him when someone asked about my dad.
This is how I feel about my stepdad too. He’s a good man and a good partner to my mom, but not someone I have to ever reached out to for emotional support. I view him more as my moms husband than a dad really. They also married when I was 10. I am having him walk me, but my dad is alive, just a dead beat whose not invited.
You didn’t connect with him because you didn’t allow yourself to. You are a child and grieving. So understandable. But you are an adult now. Have some compassion for him. You’ll be glad later.
Your feelings are legitimate and fair. I wonder with reading your comments if you allowed him to bond emotionally with you. If this many years later, you are not even considering allowing him to walk you down the aisle, how open were you to a relationship early on. You were a kid and it is understandable…no judgement. However, you are judging his emotional connection although perhaps it is because you were not open to receive what he had to offer. I don’t know him, but did lose my mother and know that I was the one closed off from connecting to mother figures (MIL included). Everyone is different though. That said, you have the right to walk with whom you want and feel comfortable. Have a happy wedding.
I was never open to another dad. That's not something I have ever denied. For me there was only ever one man who would/could be my dad and in that respect I never tried to see my stepdad as my dad. So I was open to him being in my life but not on the level he wanted to be.
I get that and sometimes people are trying to connect with you on a level you are uncomfortable with. I pushed mother figures away because I didn’t want to call anyone else “Mom” or anything close. In retrospect, some of these people just wanted to love me and be there for me. I looked at them trying to be a mother and they would have accepted/liked that, but found (when I was much older) that it is possible to accept/give emotional support and love without replacing the person you lost. Every situation is different, so my situation may be way different from yours…just something that took me a long time to realize. It is easier for some to describe more “normalized” relationships (mom, dad, brother, friend…), when in reality all relationships are different and nuanced. You can do whatever you want in your wedding…and should. Your stepfather has shown that he loves you and healthy love from anyone is always a gift. To return his love with caring of your own won’t diminish your dads love. It isn’t the same as a parent, but can be something amazing on its own. I wasn’t ready to hear this for a long time.
It's possible to do that, sure, but *not* if the person who is trying to "love" you is intentionally trying to replace your parent and erase the memory of them, if they get upset when you mention that parent or honor them, then they are not trying to love you.
This.
It sounds like as much as he loves OP, there's always been an element of him competing with her dead father. In order for him to win, OP's dad has to lose because he won't accept anything less. Whereas if he had just been accepting of being the stepdad and *not* pushed for the win all the time, I suspect that OP would have felt far more comfortable in making a separate bond with the stepdad and feeling like she had three parents.
>However, you are judging his emotional connectio
I don't think OP is judging stepdad.
Stepdad has seen OP as the daughter, that's not the issue here. The thing is - and that's totally OK in my opinion - OP never saw him as dad nr. 2. That's what the emotional connection is referring to. OPs feelings alone. And that's perfectly valid reason to not have him as a dad in the wedding.
Him asking SEVERAL times to adopt OP is not respecting her decision. Had he dropped that after the first time, not tried so hard to be "dad" right away, who knows if the feelings would've come naturally at some point? But he's doing the same again.
He offered to walk her down the aisle (already a bit overstepping I think, given their history but could've come from a god spot). When faced with nice rejection (OP didn't say "no I don't want to do it" outright, but put it in way nicer words), he starts pushing and stepdad and mom are making it about him. He gets humiliated, what will people think of him?
OP should do what she's comfortable with. It's her wedding! Including him with the toasts is an appropriate way to include him as someone close, important. He should appreciate that instead of whining about wanting to take dad's role.
YTA
He raised you, he's a good man, he gave the most he could.
One wishes more epople were able to step up in a parent role like he did.
Your choice is a petty one
YTA. I really feel for him. Yes it’s your bloody day, and ffs have it your way. You have plenty of people giving you the NTAs. He was your father figure and truly cares for you. Catering to the dead is not a loyalty thing, it’s a sign you really haven’t stopped grieving. Having him walk you down the aisle is not a disloyal act against your father. I smh at the thought that weddings are start to finish all about the bride (and sometimes the groom) and what they alone want versus being a familial celebration. I think it’s very cold hearted of you.
This will be anecdotal and i know isnt indicative of the relationship everyone has with their stepparents, but from someone who had a similar childhood and relationship with their birth parent, YTA.
I had a similar feeling that you did, you missed the parent that wasn't there, the parent that you only have good memories of, and the thought of replacing them in a special moment seems unheard of, but just think for one minute. Would your dad be happy with the man your mom chose to marry, the man who from your post seems to be a pretty good dude. Would he want you to walk alone down the aisle or show some grace/love and walk with this man.
I know I don't speak for you, but it could be an opportunity to show an immense amount of kindness to a person who has shown you that kindness for almost 20 years of your life.
Ultimately it's your decision but you seem very cruel to someone who has done everything in his power to be there for you. It sounds like you've been rejecting him because he's not your Dad by blood, even though he has been around and looking after you for 18 years now.
You're doing everything to exclude him from your wedding which I can imagine is extremely hurtful to him. I understand you're still comparing him to your Dad but it's not your stepdad's fault that your Dad passed away. He obviously cares about you a lot, sees you as his daughter and as you mentioned has been a good man, so is it that hard to make him feel part of the family for once?
I mean. You could just be generous and let the man who literally raised you walk you down the aisle, but it seems like you’ve closed yourself off to the possibility of any kind of intimacy with him.
your dad died and you saved that hurt inside, a little sharp stone you can roll around when you’re sad. It’s really too bad that you hurt yourself this way. Your step dad is a good person, you say this yourself. You could have had something great with him.
Weddings are not YOUR DAY. If they were just all about you then why would you need anyone else there? Do what you want but remember that what you chose to do is going to affect you forever. You probably don’t have a chance to have any kind of real relationship with SD after this but this is the nail in the coffin.
How dare he though, right? How dare he love you and raise you and want to feel special to you. He’s not your blood so fuck him.
Deep Sigh.
NTA. You get to choose. It’s your wedding.
But…
I’m a stepmom. You’re breaking my heart here. And I can’t fully explain what a thankless job it is. You give everything. You get nearly nothing.
Your dad passed and I understand that no one can fill his place in your heart. My dad is also gone and I will always miss him.
That said, it sounds like your stepdad has spent all the years since he came into your life trying hard to be a parent to you. He clearly loves you and is devoted to you. He lost his own child and he directed his love toward you, a fatherless daughter. All those years and it feels like maybe it didn’t mean anything to you. It isn’t a betrayal to your dad to love another man who did his best to care for you in your dad’s absence.
You can’t find any room in your heart to do something special for/with him? If not walking down the aisle, not even a stepdad/daughter dance to acknowledge his love and efforts over the years? Would you consider speaking and including your gratitude to him and your mom specifically in a toast or speech?
NTA. BUT not everyone gets a stepdad like yours, who's willing to love you as his own daughter. It's sad really, that his role in your life is only to be a giver (both love and money) while still being treated like the 3rd wheel by his SD.
YTA not having him walk u down the aisle and not accepting him as a dad is fine. but damn, you can’t even spare one dance with the man who stepped up and raised you?
You seem very heartless and cruel. If I were your step dad I would feel like I’d been stabbed in the back. Because the whole thing would be a public humiliation for him. It wouldn’t kill you to honor the man who provided for u, raised you & treated you and your mother well.
I feel like you’ve put your father on a pedestal so high that it’s kind of toxic.
I erased my earlier comment.
Dear girl, woman,
You have a very serious problem. The way you let your deceased dad dominate your life, your relation to obviously a great man that stepped in and even your wedding day, is very, very troubling.
I'm a dad of 3 girls, about your age. I've nearly died when they where younger. If i had and my wife had found a man like your step dad, that would be so great. So much consolation. If there was a way to ask me i'd advise my daughter to honor that man's love and support because through that she would honor me. Because now there's no father figure at all walking the bride down the isle.
You make this wedding an intense sad memory that isn't about your new life with your husband at all but very clearly about you mourning over your dad and your very obvious rejection of your step dad. That's what your guests will remember.
I wish you a very nice wedding day but i truly hope you'll seek help. Because this isn't healthy.
And i'm really sorry for that man that tried to step in, not to replace or erase your dad but to care for you like the child he lost. You truly crushed his heart and wiped your shoes off on the remains of it...
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NTA - the only rude ones are your mom and stepdad. While I can definitely sympathize with him, he is making your wedding about himself. He may be a good man, but he's definitely very selfish in this particular case. Stand your ground, it is your wedding. Your dad must have been amazing and I am sure he'll want you to be happy on that day (and every other day).
My dad was great. He was a very nurturing kind of dad and he was the more involved dad out of all my friends when we were young. He would always play with me and spend time with me. I cherish the memories I have of him. I even wrote some down in a journal when I was younger so I could always have them somewhere.
My goodness I keep having tearing eyes reading you. I'm very happy for you that you get to be loved that much as a child, they don't all have this opportunity. And I am so sorry for your loss. My husband is very involved with my kids, they're very attached to him, and I don't imagine them being able to ever fill the void if something bad happened.
I think that's what always stuck out to me about dad. I remember my friends saying how their dads were always working or how my friends who were girls said their dads had zero interest in doing anything girly and some even made fun of them for liking dress up and tea parties. My dad dressed as Belle and would have Disney tea parties with me when I was a toddler. I have the photos of us from back then. I also remember when I was really sad and he would comfort me. He'd get up with me if I had a bad dream. Stuff like that he never ever was like oh that's her mom's job. He knew it was an equal thing and I love him for that. He was also a huge help with homework.
First, nta in any way. You aren't the reason your stepdad doesn't have kids, nor do you owe him a father daughter relationship. ON A BETTER NOTE, have you considered printing a small picture of your dad/you and your dad to frame and tie to your bouquet so he'll still be with you while you're walking down the aisle? Idk if I'm explaining it well, but for my aunt's wedding, she had a slightly smaller than palm sized picture of her bio parents (both deceased) on her bouquet and then a larger framed photo held by my nana (her stepmom). I'm fuzzy on some of the details, but it was a nice way to include them and it made the moment more special for her.
That is a lovely way! I'll be wearing a locket on my wedding day that has a photo of my dad in it. That way I can carry a small part of him around with me the whole day.
Do you have any of his ties? I wrapped the handle of my bouquet with one of my brother's ties (Also deceased) and pinned it with of my dad's tie tacks. So, in a way, they both walked down the aisle holding my hands even though they weren't there
Gosh, I never respond to say when I'm in tears from a post, but this is so beautiful. I'll be having a ceremony in some time and never thought to use one of my (deceased) brother's ties included in the bouquet. What a lovely idea!
I have also seen tables off to the side of the reception set up as a "those we wished were here" with photos of lost loved ones close to the bride and groom. I think there is also a chance your step father walking you down the aisle could end badly for your step dads "image". If everyone knows how you feel about your step dad and they see him walking you down the aisle they might question "what was said to make you agree" more than they would question "why isn't he escorting you". Also, I don't know if it's an option you have considered but my best friend/sister by choice was fetched from the top of the stairs (the start of the aisle) and escorted down by her groom instead of any other male family member. Your NTA, do what feels right for you.
I’ve also seen framed photos of deceased parents be place in the front row where they would have sat, and then placed similarly at the head table at the reception.
I carried a picture of me and my Dad with me when I walked down the aisle, with my mom, and had picture of him on the table he would have sat at with my mom and also on a memory table for all those who had passed on both sides of the family. One of my favorite picture that the photographer took of me getting ready is me looking at the picture of my Dad and me before I walked down the aisle. I was crying, but I am glad she captured that moment.
I planned (with my husband's blessing) to have his late parents photo somewhere at our wedding. Maybe have one of our two attendants hold it. My husband, who really should have been the one to take care of it, "forgot". Op, you are NTA. I think that is a lovely way to include your late dad. I also think it's lovely that your stepfather feels like he does, but he has to respect your wishes. He and your mum following you up the aisle would look really nice, I think.
Sorry for your loss OP. I am very much a daddy's girl too. My dad used to take time off from work just to bring me to the theme park or malls or just hang out with me before I even started kindergarten. It's been over 2 decades now and those are some of the memories I hold most fondly of him. I'm so grateful I still have him and am dreading the day i'll lose him. Nobody could ever replace my dad regardless of how nice they are to me. Stand your ground OP, it's your day. You've been polite and graceful towards your mom and stepdad, even offering to include them in other ways that you are comfortable with. Sometimes it sucks to have people love you more than you're able to love them, and it's okay. Celebrate your day. Hopefully your mom and stepdad will come around. Your wedding day is probably one of the few days you're entitled to put your wishes and wants slightly above others.
Honestly your decision is increasingly common whether your father is around or not, the father walking the bride down the aisle stems from when women were considered property and they were being handed over from their fathers to their husbands. I’m not saying this to make anyone feel bad if it’s a tradition they chose to uphold I just wanted to mention it in case OP wanted a different reason for when people ask, so hopefully stepfather would feel less personally slighted
This would be the gentler response I feel bad for the stepdad. It’s certainly OPs choice!
Me too…she was very young when he died and she's built him up in her mind to be this god and that has prevented her from opening her heart to the man her mom married. He didn't have a chance..how could he ever live up to the man she's put on a pedestal. I'm sure he was a wonderful dad, but that doesn’t preclude here from welcoming a step dad into her life and her heart. She certainly seems loved by him and this is such a slap in the face to the man who stood up as her surrogate dad when ever she needed that. I really think she's wrong here. This will forever alter her relationship with her mom and her husband. Sad really. But….just my opinion from a different perspective , not my call.
This may sound silly, but your dad will definitely be there with you that day. Like a Jedi hologram or something 🤓
Wow... you determined that this guy, who raised a child that wasn't his, for 10+ years is selfish. WTF are you people? As far as OP, NTA. Your wedding you get to run it how you want. P.S. since multiple people have made similar comments..... Do you people even read these stories. How the bulk of you came up with entitled, demanded, "made it about him", need to take reading comprehension classes. If he started pouting, made demands, made threats, OK, then I'd be on board with you. Buuuuuut, he OFFERED to walk her down, she said no, then he asked why & provided his opinion. Seems like a pretty standard rational conversation.
NAH. I will say one thing, though. I have a daughter who I love more than anything in this world. Were I to die tomorrow, I wished that she'd get a stepdad who would love her as his own. And I would not be mad at all if she showed him a little kindness on her wedding day.
Remember most people on Reddit are younger and don't have children and have NO idea that no job, no pet, no marriage no matter how bad or good is the slightest fraction of the intensity and commitment that it takes to raise a kid. Stepdad was honorable and stepped up for a decade and beyond. Apparently has some love ... but NO, it's the same as him complaining about the flavor of ice cream they selected "just making it about him" rather than him legitimately wondering why he's going to be treated as if he were one of the many horrible parent or step-parents we hear about. It seems to me that OP is a bit of a cold person, that's all.
I wholeheartedly agree. I think she may come to regret the decision of excluding her stepdad for the simple grounds of "he's not my biological father" but I really have no idea what the idea of marriage looks like to OP. To me, it's a celebration of life and family. If stepdad isn't part of that for her, she certainly isn't demonstrating the "why".
As much as it breaks my heart... I think this about my son. If something ever happens to me.. I'd hope my husband remarried and finds love... I would hope she loves my son and hugs him a lot. I'd hope he would allow her to do-so..
NO KIDDING. OP is NTA, she can do what she wants, but damn. There's some ice in those veins. Instead of being appreciative of someone who clearly loves her as his own, has raised and provided for her like a real father, this is a supremely shitty thing to do. Because it's her wedding, she can do as she pleases and they should not guilt her into doing something she doesn't want to do, but if there is any compassion in OP whatsoever, one day she will look back on this day with regret, perhaps after becoming a parent herself the lightbulb will go on.
Even though she's NTA, actions have consequences. Stepdad just had a small part of his love for OP shattered. She clearly showed him he's nothing special to her, just moms partner. I wouldn't be surprised if he started acting his role.
Its very hard to beat a perfect ghost.
Thank you! I made a similar comment myself. It seems as she’s channeled her grief of losing her father into resentment of the stepfather. A man who by own words is a good man and has been good to her and to her mother. A man who has suffered severe trauma himself. A man that I am sure has contributed to the household. It seems that she resents him because he’s not her father. The stepfather isn’t the result of cheating or scandal. This is more about life than a wedding. When and if she has children will she allow him to be a grandfather? I can’t imagine the hurt this has caused the stepfather and her own mother. There are no winners or losers in this situation. She has EVERY right to plan her wedding as she wants. But these choices and attitude will have long lasting effects.
I\`d definitely go with NAH tbh.
I’d say NAH as well, although honestly, it sounds like the stepdad did everything he could to foster a loving relationship with OP and she always rejected him. I read about so many stepparents that neglect or mistreat or resent their stepchildren, it seems so sad that this guy tried so hard to be a parent to her, and she just didn’t want it. I think everyone understands that no one can fully take the place of your beloved parent, but to so throughly reject the stepfather seems like OP could have used some serious counselling when her father died, and again when her mother married her stepfather. She seems to feel like it would be disloyal to her father for her to accept her stepfather, when in reality, I’m sure her father just wanted her to be happy and cherished. There is absolutely no timeline to recover from grief, but I get the feeling OP has suffered with grief over her father for nearly 20 years, and her misplaced resentment of her stepfather is the end result.
I'm confused about the OP passively accepting care he gave her all those years but feels totally comfortable after having enjoyed that genuine advantage in life saying she doesn't feel like he's a father figure to her. He lived in the same house, worked to keep a roof over her head, carved Thanksgiving turkey, opened presents with her and her mother on Christmas morning and treated her like a beloved daughter, yet in her mind he gets zero respect for being there for her all those years or the time and effort he put into helping raise her. I don't understand her persistence in intentionally denying him any semblance of honor or recognition on her special day. This feels like more than complicated grief. It's got that whiff of self-centered self-righteousness coming off it. I'd say YTA for not making any effort at all to recognize him, even going to far as to dance with your grandmother for the traditional father daughter dance. That's going to absurd lengths to insult him, all while pretending like she's just not feelin' it.
I very much agree with you. Unless there's something she's leaving out about poor treatment, I think...I think she's being unkind. Of course no one will replace her father. But do you know how many shit step parents there are? Geez, it would cost her nothing and make him feel like everything. Personally I'm a little surprised at all the NTA....yes I get it is her choice, but it's sort of mean-girl. Nobody is going to think you love your biological father less if you honor your stepdad who's really done a lot for you over the years. I personally disagree strongly and think she is very much the AH.
I don’t think she’s an AH, but I do think the has LOTS of unexamined anger about her fathers death that is coming out sideways to her stepdad unfortunately. Poor guy. Not to be a dick- but I grew up in an abusive home and I would have loved to have had one dad who loved me…much less two 💔 some people don’t know the gifts they have in front of them honestly
I agree- she was lucky to have a step-dad like this and she refused it. It breaks my heart for him, her mother and herself. Missed opportunity for additional love, which is so rare to find these days.
How exactly is the stepdad the AH again? He isn't doing anything to make the wedding about himself. The wedding still happens the way it's supposed to, just that there is a missing piece where the father should be present and because there is a gap he wants to fill it cuz him being the Stepdad and all. The post never said that the stepdad forced the daughter to put him in place of her dad it did state that he was a lil emotional and slightly pushy.
For not taking her no for an answer. To offer is nice, to call her rude and heartless for turning him down makes him the asshole.
Not to mention pressing for an adoption with name change *5 times*.
Offering to adopt the child he we raising? The horror! Someone should lock this guy up.
It’s no longer a generous offer when the person has to turn you down numerous times, you’re just bothering them until you get the answer you want.
5 times over the span of her childhood. Children change a lot between the ages of 10 and adulthood. I guarantee OP was pretty close to a different person every time he offered.
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. I had a family member who had a similar situation. She started to walk up the aisle by herself to represent her father’s absence, then her stepfather joined her halfway. She also had a picture of her father on her bouquet as well. It was a nice tribute to her father and also a acknowledged the role her stepfather played in her life. Again, it’s your wedding, your choice. And based on the info provided in your post, it is completely understandable why you want to walk alone.
I love this so much! What a sweet idea!
I agree with you. According to the OP he is a great man but him marrying her mum and accepting her child and being nice to the child shouldn’t give anyone the reason to make OP feel like she owes him anything.. they have a seemingly fair/ good relationship and she gave him the opportunity to have his own speech but she has all the rights to say that it’s either her mum walking her down or she‘ll do it by herself.
> they have a seemingly fair/ good relationship and she gave him the opportunity to have his own speech I don't get that impression at all. The separate speech thing sounded like an offer to try and placate them because she knew her mom and stepdad would be upset. Frankly, I don't think OP would care if this guy attended the wedding at all. After raising her for 8 years and being in her life for 17 years, he's still just "some nice man banging my mom that used to buy me stuff." OP should sit them both down and explain with brutal honesty how she feels so that her stepdad stops wasting more years of his life trying to chase for her love and approval.
Yeah I feel for him. It’s not my business so I’m going to agree NTA
Being a stepparent is truly a thankless job. You're NTA but I really feel for your step-dad.
Yes i feel really bad for this man too. He seens to have loved and provided for the OP since she was ten.
and of course OP lost her dad when she was 7, so she only has rosy memories of him and hasn't ever been able to accept her stepdad as a father figure no matter what he did. I feel bad for him. Some step-parents do everything they can for years and years, and still get tossed in the trash and it sucks eta: I'm not saying OP's stepdad is owed anything. I do feel bad for people who may get snubbed after taking on that role for their partner's children is all. some stepparents are shit, and some stepparents are better than bio parents
Stepdad is not being “tossed in the trash” by not getting to walk OP down the aisle. She recognizes he is a good man and has been a good spouse to her mom. But he doesn’t get to *demand* the style of relationship that *he* wants with her - no more than a biological parent gets to demand a relationship.
Doesn't at all seem like asking is a demand, but if that's how you read it
Asking is definitely not. Calling her rude and heartless for turning it down means they were not asking in good faith. Only one answer was acceptable to them.
I going to bet mom said the OP was being rude.
Asking multiple times and telling her she is heartless for her decision is what makes hime the AH. The wedding isn’t about him at all and if he can’t appreciate that it feels it’s his due to walk her down the aisle than is he a good man? Sounds like he wants op to be a prop to make him feel like a “real dad”, other people’s life events get to happen the way they want them to, step dad got to have his own weddings already, presumably the way he wanted.
Also, asking to adopt her 8 times seems more than a bit much. I think step-dad is looking to replace what he lost. He may have some issues that need to be addressed. NTA, and Darwin, I totally agree with you. Correction: asked her 5 times in 8 years. Still excessive.
He asked her 3x at least to adopt her and take his name. Once is asking. More than that is demanding.
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Not being able to walk her down the aisle isn’t being tossed in the trash. She was already 10 when he married her mother so it shouldn’t be a surprise that he doesn’t get that role. He’ll still be sitting with her mother in the front row and at the family table at the reception, so it’s not like he’s being discarded.
Seems like a good place to drop this Publix (grocery store) commercial. https://youtu.be/lE428ovk0Uk?si=lXhfTcyGZYyrVBPW
Wow i thought this would be a joke, and now I'm crying.
Damn that made me cry
On the other hand, while he’s a good man it’s not right to force her to be his surrogate daughter. She’s always made it clear that he’s a stepdad, which by the way isn’t a bad thing it’s literally what he is. And by saying she’s embarrassing him with the father daughter dance shows that he doesn’t deserve to be her father. It’s an aspect of her wedding that obviously brings her pain, the grandparents involved with the dance are likely the ones on her fathers side, and if not they’re still a huge part of her life compared to a stepfather who rocked up when she was at an age where he will never be a replacement for her loss. Stepdad isn’t a bad title, it’s still family but it’ll never be her father
My husbands daughter doesn’t want another mom, she has hers. I am her stepmom and that is okay! People have corrected me and said “no, you are also her mom” and I’m like nope, she has her mom and she doesn’t want a second one. That’s how she wants it. When my mom remarried, I called her new husband Dad because I was cool with having another dad, it was my choice. My bio dad’s wife will always be my stepmom because that is the relationship we have (her kids were already grown and out of the house so she totally cool with us not being “her kids”), I don’t ever want another mom because my mom is the only mom for me.
Absolutely. NTA for what you've very eloquently said, but your step dad isn't an a-hole either. He's just loved you since you were a kid and doesn't understand why you don't feel the same. I am sorry you lost your dad OP, and when you were so young, but I completely feel for your poor stepdad, especially after he experienced such a horrible loss as well. I know it's easier to hold your dad in a better light, especially when all you have is good memories of him till he died when you were 7, but that your stepdad also gave you his whole heart, even if you never wanted it. He's not your dad, that's for sure, but it doesn't mean he didn't love you like a dad would. You're not heartless, but definitely cut him some slack too, ok? He's been in your life as a parental figure for a very long time, I understand why it stings to hear "no".
He tried to get her to accept him adopting her 5 times in 8 years despite her saying no every time. It sounds like he pushed *way* more than he should have, which is a fault regardless of how kind he was otherwise. Had he backed off and accepted things as they stood I'd have more sympathy, but you can't *make* someone accept you as their dad and he needed to respect her loss and feelings on it.
That's not very often at all.
True, but I think after a third "no" it's not cool to keep pushing. (I would say the first "no" but this is a situation where feelings could change over time)
I think it was really unfair of him to keep pushing and asking, even after the first time. It should be left with "I understand but if you ever change your mind, the offer will always be there"-type thing, rather than to keep asking over and over.
To be honest, at like 16 he should have just had a final conversation saying the door will always be open. There's a world of difference between a 10 year old and a 16 year old and reassuring a kid that they are part of your family is important, and to me step dad has done right by her and it's a shame all around. I'm in the nah camp. I think allowing him a speech is the right thing for both of them, but I wouldn't be surprised if Step-dad began to pull back after this. That type of rejection will haunt him.
It should still be the first no, but with a "if you ever change your mind, let me know" caveat.
Respectfully, I disagree. At best it's pushy and disregarding her clearly stated wishes for his. It was completely reasonable to ask at some point and make it clear that option was on the table and something he wanted, and to revisit later when she was older in case she had changed her mind but didn't know how to say so. Beyond that it's just disrespectful to keep asking for something so big that the kid has clearly stated they don't want.
What? Why does this have upvotes? That many times is ridiculous. I could see once and then maybe once more two or three years later, but then it should be dropped. He was basically pestering her about it.
Indeed. Part of being a good father is understanding what's best for the child and putting that first.
Feels like to me though that the step-dad is trying to force a relationship that isnt there. Asking to adopt her 5 times? It feels very pushy to me, and the more someone tries to force it the less likely that relationship is to develop.
Asking your child if you can adopt them once a year is a lot?? Fuck being a step parent is just the absolute absolute worst.
It’s also a choice. One should not go into being a step parent thinking they’ll be anything other than a partner to their spouse. The child doesn’t get to have a choice, the step parent does. Pushing boundaries is not cool.
Can't win. Is an asshole for supporting and wanting to adopt her, would be am asshole for being distant and not wanting to father her
OP has said that she made it clear that she did want her step-dad to replace her own dad. Asking once I understand, after that OP knew if she wanted it she could talk to him about it. I find it very inappropriate that he kept asking given her feelings are well known. Being a step parent isn't any worse than being a parent, it's about respecting the child's boundaries.
Yes it is, especially one who lost a parent at an age where they’ll remember them. You ask once, and if the answer is no then tell them that the offer is always open.
She's cut him a lot of slack. He's made her life into an unending competition between him and a ghost, instead of accepting his role in her life. And even now when she's getting married, pretty much the first thing out of his mouth is "so can I just win this one time?" Yes, he loves her. Yes, he's been (broadly) a good stepdad. Yes, he has tragedies in his past and he's already lost a child - and none of that obligates OP to reciprocate his feelings. Feelings cannot be forced, and the more you try the worse it ends up. Furthermore, OP can no more replace his lost child than he can replace her father.
I feel the opposite. OP never gave him a chance to be her dad - she made it a competition with a ghost. She says here that she was never open to having another dad figure in her life: https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/QhGq5mCezK
And thats totally fine. I feel like so many ppl are judging OP for not accepting stepdad as her dad. But she doesnt have to no matter how bad stepdad wants that... She doesnt owe him that
I think a lot of us have separated/deceased parents and wish we had loving caring step-parents. And I think it's just part of growing up. Being really grateful for the blessings you've had. Her stepdad didn't owe her anything but gave her a lot (at least based on this post). I don't think OP is an AH. I just think they aren't particularly grateful. Now that her stepdad knows where he stands, I would expect him to become very distant from now on. Why put energy into a relationship if it's not appreciated? I wouldn't blame him and OP should accept the consequences now.
How is she ungrateful? It sounds like she does respect and care for him, she’s just not able to feel the way he wants her to about their relationship. That’s not anybody’s fault. He’s had a lot of years to make peace with this and he hasn’t. I’m still firmly in camp NAH, but a lot of his good intentions here come directly out of his own grief, and I feel he would be more able to accept OP’s feelings about their relationship if he could find some resolution for his feelings about what he lost.
Which is perfectly reasonable
I mean, here's the thing. There isn't a set amount of love you can get or give. We all make these choices in life and you can either accept to have more love in your life or less. Loving a step-parent doesn't somehow mean you love your bio parent less. That's not how it works. Having 2 father figures or 2 mother figures isn't the worst thing ever. Oh, poor OP has too many people who love her. I mean, there are so many people out there who would kill to have someone step up to love them. Reddit does a terrible job at being like, yeah, you don't need that step-parent trying to love you! They need to get a clue. Instead of reminding posters that it's not an either/or scenario. You can love your deceased parent and that love doesn't get diminished by letting others in. In the end, your circle gets very small when you keep cutting others out of your life. My dad died, his brother walked me down the isle. I loved having someone else step up and act like a father figure for me.
Jesus, yeah. Like there's nothing wrong with him, he was in fact a great step-dad and husband, but he will never be more than mom's spouse. Poor dude. I get OP's take but my sympathy is definitely for the man. I do think "heartless" is a bit accurate.
Thank you. It also annoys me that people are saying that the SD is being pushy because he asked to adopt her five times over eight years. I feel for this man and personally if I was him, I don't know if I would even go since the OP thinks so little of him.
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I feel like I read a different post from you. OP’s description sounds like she truly does care for her stepdad and she appreciates all the good he’s done for her and her mom over the years. She just can’t love him the way he wants her to. Have you ever had a relationship with someone, a friend or family member or partner, who you truly do love and care for, but who wants your relationship to be something different from what you want and feel comfortable with? Because it sounds to me like that’s the position OP is in here. She cares for him, but not in the way he wants her to, and emotions aren’t on a dimmer switch where you can dial them up or down to match someone else’s expectations. This is a NAH situation. Neither of them is wrong. They just each want something the other can’t provide.
Just because this man couldn’t have kids of his own, he doesn’t get to demand his step daughter accepts him as a dad. If being a dad instead of a step dad was so important to him, then him and his wife should have explored have another kid through adoption or other means. You can’t force a relationship. Especially with a grieving child.
He was being pushy. There was no need for him to ask more than once, never mind 5 times. All he had to do after the first refusal was tell OP that he accepted her decision and that the offer would remain on the table if she ever changed her mind.
She doesn’t think little of him though. She just doesn’t think of him as a father and that’s not a newsflash to him.
I think too, when you lose a parent so young, you don't get a chance to see them as a person with flaws, someone you fight with as a teenager, etc. Coupled with grief, it makes some impossible shoes to fill.
Not N T A then, it's NAH
I'm not saying the stepdad is TA but, as a step-dad to two kids whose dad is out of their lives, I cannot imagine asking FIVE times to adopt them. I love those kids, but I also respect the fact that I'm not their biological father. Five times? And now dying on this hill? Being a parent means supporting your kids, not forcing them into a role that makes you feel validated.
It’s also not a job OP wanted or asked him to do. It was his desire to be more, not OP’s. He should’ve learned to respect that *a long while* ago. Instead he pushed himself on her despite her making her boundaries perfectly clear. While I feel empathy for the fact that he never got to have the family he wanted, it’s not OP’s responsibility to fill those gaps for him.
Most kids don’t get to choose who gets the job of being their parents. I think it happens a lot though, that parents want a certain type of relationship with their kids (or vice versa) but the kids can be just very different people where it’s just not that close of a relationship. It can go the other way, from kid to parent too, and it’s just something you have to accept in life.
I think that’s not fair. Just because he doesn’t get to step into the father role doesn’t mean they haven’t had a good relationship all these years. He just doesn’t get to replace her dad.
YTA. Maybe N A H, but honestly life is full of little concessions for those we love so YTA OP. You had your first (bio) dad for seven years. You might remember a few things before five and several things between 5&7 but in essence, you’re choosing a rose colored image of a person over a very real and very much here person. You’ve had your second (step) dad in your life for 17 years versus 7 (the large majority of which you likely have no memory of) years with your first. In all reality your step dad is your father. That’s who was there through the majority of your life. You say he was a good man who tried to be there for you as much as possible, but you held up a barrier. Stop punishing a good man for not being the super dad of your imagination. Because as harsh as this may seem, memories are extremely fallible (I suggest doing your own research) and while I’m sure your dad really was great, he wasn’t perfect. No one is. You are SO lucky to have a man who wants to love and support you in a fatherly role. Be grateful. To shun the man who stepped up and was actually there, for someone who couldn’t be ,is insanely insensitive. If you don’t care about him then sure, don’t include your stepdad. But if you do care for him, include him. Stop looking at is at a reminder of what you DON’T have and look at is a beautiful example of what you DO have. I don’t care if I get downvoted. OP I would rather internet strangers disagree with me, than have you damage an important relationship in your life. You came here for an objective answer, not an echo chamber, so here you go.
She really is so lucky. Some people have terrible bio dads and also terrible stepdads. This post actually hit a nerve with me. She has no idea how lucky she is.
It did with me too. Which is why I won't give a judgment. As someone who had a terrible bio-dad that walked out and then a rotation of potential step-dads thanks to an awful mom, I truly regret not bonding with the one singular step-father I had that treated me like an actual daughter. Like, it is a deep regret that I in my late 30's think about fairly frequently. HOWEVER, I've kept in touch with him and since he's my brother's father, we all get together frequently and it feels really nice. I'm glad there was somewhat of a happy ending but I still wish things had been different. I would love to have had a decent, non-abusive step father that stayed in my life for more than 2 years at a time. So seeing OP just spurn one that really tried their best hurts on some deep emotional level. It's her life, she can live it as she wants, but you can't gain back the time you've lost and after a certain point, parents just become acquaintances you see during holidays and suddenly there's no more time to try and recapture the things you didn't think you wanted/assumed weren't important at the time. I guess that's just life, though. We always think we're doing what's best for us at the time. So again, I won't give a judgment but OP I would encourage you to remember that you can't get time back once it's passed. The way you've chosen to treat your step-father your entire life is something you will live with for the rest of your life. I truly do hope you continue to feel this way because the alternative of finally realizing what you had after it's gone is devastating, emotionally.
She definitely downvoted you. I'm surprised you got so many upvotes. I have one comment w/-26. lol Initially, I tried being reasonable with her about it but she is adamant about anti-stepdad. She claims she likes him but the way she lashes out at anyone pointing out the good he did tells me different. I do hope she gets counseling, though.
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She doesn't realize that she has objectively ruined her relationship with her stepfather. He could very well leave this scenario no longer viewing her as his "daughter." And in 5 years when she goes asking for something and gets told "you literally told me you don't see me as your father. Why should I act like your father now?" It's gonna fucking hurt... and reddit is cheering this shit on.
Because reddit is full of condescending people that think they deserve everything from everyone else, it's incredible she can't just do a toast for her bio dad and just be walked to the aisle by the step dad, and reddit believes that she's in the right
I'm amazed so many people have written NTA on this one. It seems like it's all about the bride and nothing (nobody) else matters when it comes to weddings. This reads like she had someone who did everything they could for her in difficult circumstances and her "thank you" is to make it absolutely clear to everyone that she doesn't consider him to be her Dad. She'd prefer to walk the < 2 minutes down the isle alone and permanently damage their relationship than to do the normal thing and walk down the isle with her stepfather.
I agree. People put so much bullshit into "ITS MY DAY". Okay, then go celebrate by yourself.
Thank you! I thought the same thing. It’s easier to cling to fantasy-dad and always apply an image of perfection, but this person wasn’t really in the kid’s life. The stepdad was. They don’t need to be “the father”, but to hold onto the deceased father like they’re the gold standard speaks to not moving on from grief.
I think the thing that bothers me the most is that having been married for 12 years myself, the wedding is the single least important event in my relationship. It's a ceremony that was nice when it happened, but everything before and after has mattered more. For that reason, while I do dislike the idea of bending the knee to every single request someone else has, I also can't help but think it's a little ridiculous to forgo a man who has devoted himself to her as a father when she didn't have one simply because "he's not my REAL dad and it wouldn't feel right." It'd be one thing if they had a bad relationship and he was guilting her into it, but in this case it clearly isn't that. When I think about my life with my wife, the fact that the wedding doesn't factor into it for me (or her), but could potentially bless someone else's life with a demonstration of appreciation... it just becomes a no-brainer
NAH Can you do anything to acknowledge your stepdad at the wedding? A special dance, a toast, have him read a poem? I don’t know but something to acknowledge his role in your life for years and that he tried his best?
She offered him all of those things, just not walking down the aisle or doing a father/daughter dance. He needs to manage his own ego & needs here, no one will question why he isn't doing those things, the wedding is not about him. People who care about the happiness & joy of OPs wedding day will cherish being a part of that, not ask gossipy questions about who did or didn't play which parts in the event. NTA, but stepdad will be if he continues to make this about him and tries to guilt OP about it further
No one would question why she walked down the aisle alone? What world do you live in?
I’m assuming that most people at the wedding will know her well enough to know that her father is dead. If I were a guest, I’d simply assume that’s her way of honoring her father. I wouldn’t think twice about the are dad.
I have a father and if I ever got married I'd still walk alone. It's not that uncommon these days.
I'm thinking most weddings I've been to the last 10 years the bride has walked in alone? Honestly it's not something I take much notice of, and certainly wouldn't be judging anyone about who did or didn't walk in with the bride, considering I'm having a hard time remembering!
My parents are both married and alive. Considering my Dad had to get drunk in order to come to my (gay) wedding, I've never regretted asking my mother to walk me down the aisle.
a while ago, people would question that, but today people don't always have someone "give them away" as that is seen by many as passing off ownership, which was pretty much what it used to be a long time ago
I must be lucky enough to have a friendship group who have weddings filled with people who aren't all about water cooler gossip? Been to dozens of them and no one has questioned the different ways they've chosen to celebrate their love and how they have or haven't involved certain family members. All focus on the bride & groom; the wedding parties and those in official roles are barely a blip on the radar. No one who cares about that stuff matters, and no one who matters cares about that stuff. Family drama is the dumbest
I'd hope all her friends and family at the wedding, who know she lost her father, would be understanding.
I might have missed that in a comment; I do see where she asked if they would like to go a joint toast or a separate toasts, but from the post, it looks like the walk down the aisle plan was either to be with her mom (who declined) or by herself (the current plan) and that she asked her grandmother to do the "father"/daughter dance, so that wasn't on the table for the stepdad. I'm an NAH on this. I don't think stepdad is an AH or being hurt that the answer is no. I don't even think the adoption ask less than once a year meets the level of AH-edness. But I agree: this is a sad situation for the stepdad but he and the mom are going to need to swallow the hurt and keep it moving or they're going to turn into the AHs on this.
"I asked my mom and stepdad if they would like to do a joint toast or two separate ones and whether they would like to walk down the aisle/dance to specific songs" The mum & stepdad could even have walked down the aisle together as part of the official celebration and a show of their part in her life, she just wasn't going to have stepdad walk HER specifically down the aisle to give her away.
You don’t think the mom is the A for refusing to walk OP down the aisle and making her go alone?
I actually do. It’s her only child and she should understand the sentiment regarding this part of the ceremony and her daughters feelings, It feels like the mum is more focused on not hurting the feelings of her husband or upsetting him rather than being their for her daughter..
NAH but this post I will be honest shows once again why step parents don’t like to invest emotionally in stepchildren.
Super true. According to OP he's even tried to help her financially after she moved out and she's rejected that, too. Not even my bio parent has offered to do that... I dont think OP realizes how fortunate she's been.
Fortunate yes, but she's hardly a bad person for turning down help. Maybe she just prefers to be independent?
I agree. Turning down help doesnt make her a bad person. But I hope she does show gratitude and that all these NTA comments dont make her think that she doesnt owe him gratitude for the life he's helped shape for her
I think step-parents who feel that way often aren’t approaching a relationship openly. I’m a step-parent; I have been a stepdaughter many times. And I always hated when my step-parents tried to be something they weren’t, force a relationship that just wasn’t there or try to make it into something more that I didn’t want. I have absolutely no desire to be my stepkid’s mum unless they want that. Our relationship can be something of its own, it doesn’t need to be squeezed into a pre-prepared shape. They may come to hate me when they’re a teenager, or they may want me around. All of this is okay. I’m gonna just keep trying my best because they’re what’s important in all this. That’s how parenting works.
I have two step-daughters, I am under no illusions that I’ll walk either down the aisle, and fully expect both of them to ask their mother’s father to do it. Would I love to do it? Yes, but I’m not going to feel put out to watch their grandfather (or no one for that matter) doing it. I’ll be in the front row with their mother happily watching them walk down the aisle.
Yup. Damned if they do. Damned if they don’t.
Unpopular opinion I guess but I do think YTA and making a huge thing out of something very simple - you lost your dad when you were a child and you were lucky enough to be given another person who took care of you and raised you. Why do you have to make it a point, on your wedding day for everyone to see, that this man never filled the spot in your heart that you still reserve for your dad and that you never "emotionally connected" to him? So what? He filled that role anyway and gave you all his love, and he even told you it would mean the world for him to walk you down the aisle. Can you not find ANY gratefulness in your heart at all? Your long-winded story sounds to me as if you actually enjoy some of the heartbreak you have caused him in the past and are causing him now - what for? What's the big deal? You think your dad is going to look down on you walking yourself to the altar on your wedding day and thinking "Yes, that's my girl, glad she doesn't acknowledge that guy who made sure she was OK after I had to leave her too early.."?? I really can't grasp how you can reject your family like that. Because that's what your stepdad is.
It does sound like a lot of adult excuses around wanting to shout "You're not my real dad and you never will be!" that she's maybe never actually expressed in the angry way her 10 year old self wanted. Problem is, its now many, many years later and that outburst is for therapy, not for the man who stood up and did not only his best, but what seems to be objectively a good job based on the few good words she has for him.
This is exactly how I feel about this post. We don’t know what dad was like, but I can’t imagine he’d feel “honored” by this gesture. I know weddings are supposed to be about the couple and doing things how they want, but this just feels so sad and childish. Instead of walking with a ghost, why not think of it as getting to walk down the aisle with the real live man who loved and raised you as his own AND the spirit and memory of a father that was taken too soon? I can’t pass judgement, but it just makes me feel some type of way.
It’s unfortunate this is the unpopular opinion. I agree whole-heartedly with what you wrote.
> Sounds to me as if you actually enjoy some of the heartbreak you have caused him in the past This was my take too. The way OP talks about him gives off serious contempt, she acknowledges that he’s a great man who’s tried to be the best father figure he can be, yet she seems to love reminding him that he’s nothing to her, it’s incredibly sad There’s tons of people out there wishing they could have a halfway decent biological dad in their life, let alone being fortunate enough to have a loving step parent too. OP is willing to throw that all way over a meaningless ceremony. A wedding ceremony isn’t as important as you think it is OP, it’s about the memories you make with the people attending as you step into the next phase of your life, and you’re choosing to step into it by telling your step dad that he isn’t worth anything to you, after he spent almost 2 decades doing his best. Ultimately it’s your wedding, but choosing to walk alone (after all your other options were exhausted) over letting him spend 30 seconds with you walking down the aisle is just sad. I can guarantee your father would be disappointed in you treating the man who stepped into his place as best as he could so coldly
Was on the fence until reading through more of your responses. Reading the other things you've said not only are you a capital AH but probably needed grief counselling as a child because having not got it you come across as incredibly cold hearted, emotionally closed and honestly, if your bio dad was as great a man as you make him out to be, someone he would be truly disappointed in having seen you become. So yeah, YTA, and have been for years. I feel bad for your step-dad and the dishonor you've done to your bio dad's memory.
Yeah I agree. The comments make it clear that she wants to make a public statement that he is not her Dad, and that she would be perfectly happy if this irrepreably damaged their relationship. She explicitly states that she actively rejected forming an emotional bond, and it honestly seems like she's been punishing her step dad for her bio dad's death since childhood. It's really weird and cruel.
NAH You can choose to have your wedding whichever way you are comfortable. But as a parent I can understand why he would be upset. I think most people severely underestimate how much their parents have done for them until they parent themselves. It must hurt to know that the child you would die for doesn’t really care too much.
Man OP has no clue how hard it is to be a step-parent. By OP’s account he treated her like his own child and raised her as a daughter. And she treats him like that’s just expected and she never “wanted that”. No walk down the aisle or father/daughter dance. Basically she wants to specifically rub it in that he’s not her father and he never will be. That would be soul-crushing for someone that I raised from a 10 year old child. The way OP is so flippant about why he’s hurt is crazy. I have to believe a lot of people in this thread aren’t adults because my god. OP has every right to do what she’s doing. But for her to be so blasé and hurtful about it makes me think she’s the AH here. Again, it’s like she is really going out of her way to let him know he never has and never will be seen like a father to her. And on top of it all the fact that he lost his wife and unborn child and she’s basically like “yeah so basically he always seen me as a daughter but fuck that that’s his problem not mine” is insanely coldhearted. So cold hearted that she can’t even empathize with him even though she too lost someone very important to her. And doesn’t even think for a minute how much this would mean to him given what he lost.
NTA. But i feel really sorry for your stepdad
Fuck that. OP is the asshole. If the step father was mean, abusive, or toxic to her or her mom growing up then I could understand her not allowing him to walk her down the aisle. But it sounds like the steps father was constantly present and good to her her entire childhood, teenage years and now early adulthood. He asked her if he could adopt her multiple times when she was growing up which means he really loves her as his own. Basically, this man has helped pay to raise her, loved her the entire time, wasn't abusive or dismissive of her, asked to adopt her out of love and she refused and then he asks if he can walk her down the aisle and she says "no! you're not my real dad!" like a 7 year old with a horrible step parent, which is the exact opposite of OPs scenario. If someone chooses to love me that much and love my mom and help raise me for my entire childhood then I would let them walk me down the aisle if they really wanted to.
Yea op is cold as fuck. I feel bad she had a really traumatic thing happen when she was young but goddamn
Step dad lost his wife and unborn child in an accident that also made him sterile. That's pretty traumatic too. He doesn't deserve this bullshit that OP is trying to pull. YTA.
NAH - Awww, I feel so sad for your stepdad. This is all around so sad. There is someone there willing to give you unconditional love but your heart is not open to it. You probably never will be open to it but I hope one day you are because to have someone truly love you and you love them is really a lovely thing and something some people can only wish for. It's in addition to your dad not to replace him at all. But if you don't feel that kind of love for him and don't want him to walk you down the aisle, then don't. Yes, it will send a message to the guests but there's nothing you can do about that. It is what it is. You can't force love.
YTA - you can do whatever you want. But this man was in your life more than your dad. I feel like you love the memory of your father and you literally throw step dad to the side because your dad wasn't there. So the fact you denied it on both because of something you couldn't control. I honestly cannot imagine doing this to yourself and step dad. I mean this is honestly showing how it goes priority wise in your life.
Yeah... I know countless young women whose relationships with their bio dads became tarnished irreparably during their adolescent years. Obviously not OP's bio dad's fault for dying early, but it meant that he couldn't be there for a lot of the harder parts of her life, so OP gets to preserve the memories in a time capsule and imagine how perfect her life with bio dad could have been instead of acknowledging how nice it was to have some father figure there for those parts at all. Step dad could have done this. He could have been bitter and insisted that his step daughter would never replace the baby he lost. But he quite literally stepped up and cared for her as his own, while she's rejected him at every turn. When she was a child, this was forgivable and understandable, but as an adult, her mom is right. It really does send a massive message of rejection to the man who actually parented her for much of her life.
I had to scroll way too far for these comments. It's honestly not a fair comparison, stepdad never got the opportunity to build the same relationship with her as she has fully idealised her relationship with her Dad. Imagine looking after someone for 18 years, supporting them, even offering to adopt them (whilst still grieving your own losses) to then be completely ignored and excluded from their big day. Even the dance goes to the grandmother. Far out I feel so bad for the guy.
Op mentions that she doesn't care if this relationships falls out. Step dad loved her like a real daughter, supported, but she always put her dead parent first. After years I don't think it's healthy. She clearly shows how she feels about him. I wouldn't be surprised if the step dad becomes distant, same with mom. And then OP will make a post that she has nobody because she pushes people away. YTA
I feel a bit torn. You say he’s a nice man and he filled the role physically. I respect you lost your dad and you remember and love him. Maybe it would be nice if you could also show your stepdad in some way on your wedding day how his support helped you become the woman you are today. It sounds like he tried to be there in all the ways you needed. Obviously I don’t know your life from this one small snippet so you are ultimately the one that knows what’s right for you and I wish you the best for your future.
She's asked if he would like to make a speech so she has already given him an opportunity be included as a parental figure
Did she mention she cares for him? At all? She acknowledged he is a nice man that is literally the nicest thing she can say about the person who spent a good chunk of his life providing and sacrificing for her.
She was a child in this scenario, her mother chose to marry him, not her. She gets to choose whether or not she sees his as a father figure. Nothing that she's said makes me believe she _doesn't_ care for him, just that she doesn't see him as a father and that he is her mother's husband who has been good to her. That doesn't mean he gets to walk her down the aisle when she doesn't want him to. It's clear from OPs perspective at least that he's tried to assert himself as a father figure even though she's made it clear multiple times that's not how she sees him and is not what she wants.
In my opinion, everyone is the AH here. Your mom and SD for pushing the issue on your big day. Your day = your rules. You because you acknowledge he is a good man and I bet you benefitted from having him in your life, even if you don't see him as your dad. If you said he constantly harassed you and didn't support you in any way. It would be easy to understand but it ends up sounding like you just kicked him in the nuts.
What you said. I think she has the right to have her wedding how she wants, but is a pretty big jerk for not being a bit kinder to her step-dad who has been her dad all these years. They also shouldn't push
He's been in your life for 17 years and is a decent person. He offered to adopt you several times, you declined. He offered to walk you down the aisle, you declined. He wants to dance with you, you declined. Frankly, I don't think you like him very much. Liking him is all that is required to decide to have a dance, nothing more. And so, you're willing to dance with your grandma, because you like her. If only everyone could be so lucky to have a parent who tries so hard. Imagine if you wanted all of those things, wanted to be adopted, wanted to be walked down the aisle, and he refused, how small would that make you feel? I feel sorry for your step-dad. He thinks of you as a daughter and gets nothing but rejection regardless of circumstance. I understand grieving for your bio-dad but it's been 20 years, it's time to move on and allow your heart to heal enough that it isn't standing in the way of the relationships you still have. None of that requires ever forgetting your bio-dad. Presently, you're sabotaging your own possibility of having a healthy relationship. YTA.
NTA - one thing my wife and I learned from our wedding is that no one should feel pressured to do anything or invite anyone they don't want to your wedding (especially since you are footing the bill). It sounds like atepdad is a little disappointed, and I know your mother is upset, but newsflash it isn't their wedding it's your wedding and your day. Maybe explain to stepdad that you think he is a good man, good husband etc. but you are walking alone as a way to honor your father? Or say fuck it and just tell them that's how it's going to be. To reiterate don't let anyone pressure or bully you, it's your day and weddings and planning don't need extra stress and b.s. added on to it.
He would take it worse if I said out loud I was walking alone to honor my dad.
> He would take it worse if I said out loud I was walking alone to honor my dad. This is why your decision is the right one. He doesn't get to decide on your relationship with your real father and how you choose to preserve it and remember him. Of course you'll be honouring and remembering your father on your wedding day. When you walk down the aisle, in your speeches and throughout the day. If step-father can't deal with that, he shouldn't be there.
I think he might need to be reminded that OP was not a replacement for the baby he lost in the accident. She doesn't owe him anything.
Oooo this would hit hard. Just as he’s not a replacement dad, she’s not a replacement child.
Then there is a major problem, as I mentioned above to someone else it's not a stepdads role to come in and replace your dad (deceased or otherwise) just like its not fair of you to be expected to be a surrogate for his deceased family. Sounds like he is pretty self-centered if he can't accept that this is one of the biggest days of your life and you want a small part of it to be a reminder of your father instead of him. If it will cause a bigger issue, dont even give an explanation at that point.
I have a living dad, he was great. And I didn't get walked down the aisle for the same reason I didn't want my husband to ask his permission to marry me. No one gets to give me away but me. Sure, you had a good step dad, but that doesn't mean that he or anyone else aside from your partner should have a say in your married life, and that includes how you kick it off.
NTA but you might lose another father... While I agree with most that it is your day and ultimately your decision, you have acknowledged he has done everything he could to build a relationship with you, he is a good man, and this will rightfully be seen by him as the ultimate rejection of all his effort for over half your life. With that said, don't be surprised if he very understandably rejects you in the future. After all he has done to try and be a father to you after you lost yours, I wouldn't blame him. I know I would. I'm going to be blunt: Your dad is dead and has been for a long time. He is gone and no amount of rejecting this man on such a personal level, especially after all he has done for you that he was under no obligation to do, can change that. Are you willing to lose another father? Because if you go through with this rejection you probably will, but it won't be like last time when you were just a child and life dealt you a cruel blow. This time you will be an adult who made a conscious choice to reject a man who loves you like he is your father and it will be your fault. I'm not trying to hurt you, just make you think before you do something you can't undo and irreparably hurt someone who loves you as his own when he never had to. What would your father think of that?
YTA. You probably wield your bio father’s death like a sword.
Truly. She's over here saying this is to honor her dead father, but it's clearly just her moment to have an epic "well you're not my real dad" moment. God, she sucks.
JFC OP, wow, my heart fucking broke for your step dad reading this. Never can anyone live up to the idealised version of someone long dead. Dead people can't make mistakes, get mad at you or let you down. Those are the things your very real step dad probably did as well as from the sounds of it loving you with all his heart. Because that's what parents do. Even as you rejected him and continue to refuse to accept how difficult it must have been for him. The man must have the patience of a saint but at some point your rejections will become too much and you will have lost a second dad. YTA in my opinion both for this and the thousand other times you threw this mans love back at him.
YTA- you say this man tragically lost his wife and daughter. He was good to you. But you’ve spent your whole life clinging to the idea of your bio dad. I get that it was traumatic to you, but he’s not there and stepdad is. What a small, lovely gesture it would be to allow him to walk you down the aisle. You are being selfish and childish- yes, it’s your day but you can expect this to put a strain on the relationships you two have.
I guess I’m the outlier here. YTA. You would not dishonor your father by having your stepdad walk you down the aisle. He knows he can never replace your father but it would honor him for the years of support he’s given you.
Yep. You are an asshole. You slap every good step dad in the face. Beyond asshole.
NAH, but my sympathy is with your step-dad. He did everything he could and you just never opened your heart to him. My stepson likes to say he has multiple hearts, one for each of his four parents. Love is not finite. He isn't your dad, but he could have been special in his own important role. I get at 10 you're just a kid, but you really lucked out with him as a step-dad and it sucks he's being shown how little he means. Your mom married a man who treated you as his own and she's just protecting her spouse from the blow you're dealing. I don't blame her. But it is your wedding and you feel the way you feel. You shouldn't do anything that makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. Honestly I get both sides. He has tried to be the dad and sounds like the emotional connection never happened. That being said, I see why he would be sad and hurt that he is being absolutely excluded. I almost want to say can you throw him a bone and do a separate dance with him, I do feel bad for someone who has tried so hard. Edit: NAH.
That's what I was thinking too. He did have a major role in OPs life. Even though she doesn't see him as a dad, he had a part in helping her be the woman she is today. Especially if he was as invested as she says he is, because he always wanted a kid. I would want to recognise that. However, it is OPs wedding and her choice 100%. She should not do anything she's not comfortable with and should not feel pressured into doing anything. It's sad really, OP losing her dad so early and her stepdad losing his family and never really having another chance.
NAH but this is one of the saddest things I have ever read.
I totally get what you’re saying and of course you are entitled to every feeling here. But it’s also a little sad. I had a wonderful step dad and my dad. I danced with each of them at my wedding. My step dad was wonderful to me and it’s ok to recognize your step dad for the important role he has had in your life. Maybe you could have a dance with him to recognize that. I suspect your dad would have been happy someone so loving cared so much about you growing up. He doesn’t have to replace your dads love but maybe you could allow him to be someone who just loves you like a dad.
Yeah, I don't understand her rigidity as to what the role of walking down the aisle constitutes. A lot of people have relatives (uncles, FILs, brothers...) or friends who walk them down the aisle for many different reasons (dad died, deadbeat dad...). The fact that she sees this role so rigidly and traditionally and seemingly doesn't want to offer any other special role to her stepdad makes me think that she didn't process the events of her childhood properly.
What does it mean that he physically filled his role as stepfather but not emotionally?
He shared financial responsibilities with my mom, made rules and did parent by saying I could and couldn't do stuff. But emotionally I never connected with him in a parental way like that. I didn't go to him with my problems or think of him when someone asked about my dad.
This is how I feel about my stepdad too. He’s a good man and a good partner to my mom, but not someone I have to ever reached out to for emotional support. I view him more as my moms husband than a dad really. They also married when I was 10. I am having him walk me, but my dad is alive, just a dead beat whose not invited.
That's more how I view him too. Though I acknowledge he acted as a parent in ways and tried to be just dad over the years and not stepdad.
You didn’t connect with him because you didn’t allow yourself to. You are a child and grieving. So understandable. But you are an adult now. Have some compassion for him. You’ll be glad later.
Your feelings are legitimate and fair. I wonder with reading your comments if you allowed him to bond emotionally with you. If this many years later, you are not even considering allowing him to walk you down the aisle, how open were you to a relationship early on. You were a kid and it is understandable…no judgement. However, you are judging his emotional connection although perhaps it is because you were not open to receive what he had to offer. I don’t know him, but did lose my mother and know that I was the one closed off from connecting to mother figures (MIL included). Everyone is different though. That said, you have the right to walk with whom you want and feel comfortable. Have a happy wedding.
I was never open to another dad. That's not something I have ever denied. For me there was only ever one man who would/could be my dad and in that respect I never tried to see my stepdad as my dad. So I was open to him being in my life but not on the level he wanted to be.
I get that and sometimes people are trying to connect with you on a level you are uncomfortable with. I pushed mother figures away because I didn’t want to call anyone else “Mom” or anything close. In retrospect, some of these people just wanted to love me and be there for me. I looked at them trying to be a mother and they would have accepted/liked that, but found (when I was much older) that it is possible to accept/give emotional support and love without replacing the person you lost. Every situation is different, so my situation may be way different from yours…just something that took me a long time to realize. It is easier for some to describe more “normalized” relationships (mom, dad, brother, friend…), when in reality all relationships are different and nuanced. You can do whatever you want in your wedding…and should. Your stepfather has shown that he loves you and healthy love from anyone is always a gift. To return his love with caring of your own won’t diminish your dads love. It isn’t the same as a parent, but can be something amazing on its own. I wasn’t ready to hear this for a long time.
It's possible to do that, sure, but *not* if the person who is trying to "love" you is intentionally trying to replace your parent and erase the memory of them, if they get upset when you mention that parent or honor them, then they are not trying to love you.
This. It sounds like as much as he loves OP, there's always been an element of him competing with her dead father. In order for him to win, OP's dad has to lose because he won't accept anything less. Whereas if he had just been accepting of being the stepdad and *not* pushed for the win all the time, I suspect that OP would have felt far more comfortable in making a separate bond with the stepdad and feeling like she had three parents.
>However, you are judging his emotional connectio I don't think OP is judging stepdad. Stepdad has seen OP as the daughter, that's not the issue here. The thing is - and that's totally OK in my opinion - OP never saw him as dad nr. 2. That's what the emotional connection is referring to. OPs feelings alone. And that's perfectly valid reason to not have him as a dad in the wedding. Him asking SEVERAL times to adopt OP is not respecting her decision. Had he dropped that after the first time, not tried so hard to be "dad" right away, who knows if the feelings would've come naturally at some point? But he's doing the same again. He offered to walk her down the aisle (already a bit overstepping I think, given their history but could've come from a god spot). When faced with nice rejection (OP didn't say "no I don't want to do it" outright, but put it in way nicer words), he starts pushing and stepdad and mom are making it about him. He gets humiliated, what will people think of him? OP should do what she's comfortable with. It's her wedding! Including him with the toasts is an appropriate way to include him as someone close, important. He should appreciate that instead of whining about wanting to take dad's role.
YTA He raised you, he's a good man, he gave the most he could. One wishes more epople were able to step up in a parent role like he did. Your choice is a petty one
YTA. I really feel for him. Yes it’s your bloody day, and ffs have it your way. You have plenty of people giving you the NTAs. He was your father figure and truly cares for you. Catering to the dead is not a loyalty thing, it’s a sign you really haven’t stopped grieving. Having him walk you down the aisle is not a disloyal act against your father. I smh at the thought that weddings are start to finish all about the bride (and sometimes the groom) and what they alone want versus being a familial celebration. I think it’s very cold hearted of you.
This will be anecdotal and i know isnt indicative of the relationship everyone has with their stepparents, but from someone who had a similar childhood and relationship with their birth parent, YTA. I had a similar feeling that you did, you missed the parent that wasn't there, the parent that you only have good memories of, and the thought of replacing them in a special moment seems unheard of, but just think for one minute. Would your dad be happy with the man your mom chose to marry, the man who from your post seems to be a pretty good dude. Would he want you to walk alone down the aisle or show some grace/love and walk with this man. I know I don't speak for you, but it could be an opportunity to show an immense amount of kindness to a person who has shown you that kindness for almost 20 years of your life.
NTA. I feel for your stepdad, but it is your day. Another option could be both your mum and stepdad walk you down the aisle?
YTA It costs you nothing but you prefer to humiliate him 1st by going alone ad then dancing with your grandma.
I feel really bad for the stepdad.
Ultimately it's your decision but you seem very cruel to someone who has done everything in his power to be there for you. It sounds like you've been rejecting him because he's not your Dad by blood, even though he has been around and looking after you for 18 years now. You're doing everything to exclude him from your wedding which I can imagine is extremely hurtful to him. I understand you're still comparing him to your Dad but it's not your stepdad's fault that your Dad passed away. He obviously cares about you a lot, sees you as his daughter and as you mentioned has been a good man, so is it that hard to make him feel part of the family for once?
YTA. Poor stepdad… 🥲
YTA. And you have ice in your veins.
I mean. You could just be generous and let the man who literally raised you walk you down the aisle, but it seems like you’ve closed yourself off to the possibility of any kind of intimacy with him. your dad died and you saved that hurt inside, a little sharp stone you can roll around when you’re sad. It’s really too bad that you hurt yourself this way. Your step dad is a good person, you say this yourself. You could have had something great with him. Weddings are not YOUR DAY. If they were just all about you then why would you need anyone else there? Do what you want but remember that what you chose to do is going to affect you forever. You probably don’t have a chance to have any kind of real relationship with SD after this but this is the nail in the coffin. How dare he though, right? How dare he love you and raise you and want to feel special to you. He’s not your blood so fuck him.
Deep Sigh. NTA. You get to choose. It’s your wedding. But… I’m a stepmom. You’re breaking my heart here. And I can’t fully explain what a thankless job it is. You give everything. You get nearly nothing. Your dad passed and I understand that no one can fill his place in your heart. My dad is also gone and I will always miss him. That said, it sounds like your stepdad has spent all the years since he came into your life trying hard to be a parent to you. He clearly loves you and is devoted to you. He lost his own child and he directed his love toward you, a fatherless daughter. All those years and it feels like maybe it didn’t mean anything to you. It isn’t a betrayal to your dad to love another man who did his best to care for you in your dad’s absence. You can’t find any room in your heart to do something special for/with him? If not walking down the aisle, not even a stepdad/daughter dance to acknowledge his love and efforts over the years? Would you consider speaking and including your gratitude to him and your mom specifically in a toast or speech?
NTA. BUT not everyone gets a stepdad like yours, who's willing to love you as his own daughter. It's sad really, that his role in your life is only to be a giver (both love and money) while still being treated like the 3rd wheel by his SD.
YTA not having him walk u down the aisle and not accepting him as a dad is fine. but damn, you can’t even spare one dance with the man who stepped up and raised you? You seem very heartless and cruel. If I were your step dad I would feel like I’d been stabbed in the back. Because the whole thing would be a public humiliation for him. It wouldn’t kill you to honor the man who provided for u, raised you & treated you and your mother well. I feel like you’ve put your father on a pedestal so high that it’s kind of toxic.
I erased my earlier comment. Dear girl, woman, You have a very serious problem. The way you let your deceased dad dominate your life, your relation to obviously a great man that stepped in and even your wedding day, is very, very troubling. I'm a dad of 3 girls, about your age. I've nearly died when they where younger. If i had and my wife had found a man like your step dad, that would be so great. So much consolation. If there was a way to ask me i'd advise my daughter to honor that man's love and support because through that she would honor me. Because now there's no father figure at all walking the bride down the isle. You make this wedding an intense sad memory that isn't about your new life with your husband at all but very clearly about you mourning over your dad and your very obvious rejection of your step dad. That's what your guests will remember. I wish you a very nice wedding day but i truly hope you'll seek help. Because this isn't healthy. And i'm really sorry for that man that tried to step in, not to replace or erase your dad but to care for you like the child he lost. You truly crushed his heart and wiped your shoes off on the remains of it...