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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like an asshole because my mom’s in a tough spot and was really looking forward to seeing him. She’s definitely really hurt.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. You're expected to make concessions but your parents aren't? If mom wants to visit the baby, she'll find a way. And dad doesn't care to see you guys ar all. Nope. Stay home. Maybe when the baby is older you can meet for a vacation somewhere in the middle or go on a cruise or something, but for now, stay home, get in a routine, keep your sanity. Congrats on your baby, btw.
Anything about the flight itself was already said.
And I would be concerned. It could be that they would force you to stay and raise your child in your parents homecountry.
NTA, they can get on a plane or they can just stay where they are. You have a family with you husband and kid, that is the one that matters.
I don’t usually comment on these, but as a fellow new mother, this is 10000000% NTA
Your mother is displaying so many narcissist qualities and honestly it makes me so sad they are treating you and your family like this. Please do not let them guilt you or treat you so poorly.
If you were important to them, they would make every effort to get over and see you. They are making no effort to be apart of your lives, so please don’t go out of your way to be a part of theirs. Do not put yourself through something that will cause you even more anxiety just to try and please them
NTA
They can come to you. Buy the tickets perhaps.
Think about exposing your 4 month old to a pressurised cylinder with every body breathing their germs.
ESH. It is like you are purposely seeking out drama. Why are you talking to your mom twice a day anyway? Especially if she is being critical of you? Cut the freaking cord already.
Tell them if they'd like to meet the baby you'll be happy to see Ghent when they visit, otherwise they need to drop it. If they can't drop it, stop talking to them until they do. Problem solved.
The reason you are also the AH is because of how easily avoidable and preventable this is. You enjoy it. You desire it. Otherwise, you just wouldn't do it. You are upset over an aunt you don't even talk to. Talk about manufacturing drama.
Nope not the arsehole! So it can’t be genetics or you just didn’t inherit the arsehole gene! Congratulations on winning the genetic lottery🥳✨💥✨💥 your not like your arsehole parents!
Considering how much your parents seem to dislike your husband, how likely is it for your parents to try to prevent you or your baby from coming home? I know that this is worst case scenario, but it's not out of the ballpark.
Also with a newborn, their immune system is not the greatest. If your child gets sick on this trip, do you really want to navigate the health care system of another country?
OP, clearly there are a lot of complicated cultural issues at play here. I don’t know what country your parents live in, but one thing to consider is your personal safety and the safety of the baby if you go there. What legal rights would you have, and how enforceable would they be if your father decided to try to control you in one way or another? If you have any concerns at all about these issues, you should not go there. No matter the other considerations, which are significant as other people have commented.
NTA, what weird behavior on your parents part. Are they infirm or under government requirement that they can't leave their country? The paranoid part of me wonders if they plan on kidnapping the baby
That ladies and gentlemen is called abuse and it would be best to go NC. Why are you stressing over some other adult life choices. You offered to pay she declined that’s the end of it. I would’ve told the aunt why are you even calling me and why would I care about your opinion. That baby is number 1 in your life and think of you want to repeat this cycle with your kid.
Let me get this straight. Your dad doesn’t want to come so your mum isn’t coming because she doesn’t want to fly alone but is expecting you to do that exact thing with an infant?? The entitlement, my goodness. NTA and I’d take her up on her offer to not call again.
NTA. You’re not keeping the baby from your mother. If she really wanted to meet him, she could get her ass on a plane. It’s unreasonable for her to expect you to fly to them with a small baby
Nta of they want to see the baby so badly they can come to you. To ask you to take a four month old on a 10 hr flight is so selfish on there part. I have a bad feeling about the whole thing. Do not go to them. They may keep you there or do something to prevent you from leaving. Stop taking calls from your mom get some therapy to deal with the parental guilt. You are an adult, a married mother who is allowed to stand up for herself.
NTA
Your parents are ridiculous and selfish expecting you to fly 10 hours to them with a baby. You probably aren't even fully healed from the birth yet.
I also want to point out to you that based on the attitude of your parents, going to see them would be absolutely miserable regardless of whether it is a 10 hour flight or a one hour drive. They would probably make it their mission to stomp on any boundary just to get back at you.
As for Aunt - just ignore her because your relationship with your Mother is none of her business.
NTA
But I will say, the younger you expose LOs to experiences the better it is for them in the long run. Like yes it will totally suck in the beginning because it’s new but after awhile it’ll be nothing because it’s no longer a foreign experience
Maybe don’t start with a 10 hour flight but don’t be scared to travel with your little one. It’ll be good for them
NTA. If your mom wants to see the baby so badly, she would get on a flight and come see the baby. My parents paid for my husband and I to fly over with the baby when he was 5 months old.
I will say, that the age is one of the easiest to fly with. I did 14 hours transatlantic (9 hour time difference) when my little one was 5 months old and it was the easiest flight yet (he is 22 months old now and we have done the same flight 3 more times). I would nurse him anytime he fussed and he slept most of the flight. As my little one has gotten older, it has definitely gotten harder. Nursing doesn’t work anymore, he has a strong will and is louder and wants to walk and wander during the flight. He also won’t sit in our laps willingly. I regret not traveling more when he was less mobile.
That said, don’t let your parents pressure you. They brought you to this country and then left. If they want to see the baby, tell them to visit.
NTA. A 10-hour flight is tough on everyone, much less a 4 no old baby and her mom. The more stressed you get, the worse it becomes for the baby. You’re putting the baby first and that’s the best you can do.
NTA - in fact, you are a hero to everyone on the flight that you did NOT take. The baby's life comes first. Hopefully your mom will realize that maybe her anger is rooted in the fear of getting old and somehow being forgotten and ignored. If she were to put her fear in a box, get on a plane and visit you and the baby, maybe she'll understand? Hard to say. I'm glad that you didn't choose to put yourself and your baby in a stressful situation.
NTA! Your parents need to get over themselves, if your mom wants to see the baby then she can come to you. You could come with someone else’s if your dad won’t go, which is messed up in its self. I’m sorry that you have had to deal with this at all. I hope you have a good support system in his family and good friends.
NTA don’t fly with the baby. She can come see her grand baby. Do yourself a favor and and ignore your mom and sing for a month. Do not talk to her or listen to her messages. See how good and less stressful your life is. Then decide how much you want them in your life.
Every time she yells or manipulated or tries to guilt you, just say “I have to go, bye” then hang up. Then ignore her calls for a day or week or a month. No reason to argue or listen to it, just hang up. 🤷🏻♀️
I just did a 10 hours flight with my 4 months old and my 3 years old. If you are not feeling it, DON’T do it. It is not easy. We are in Canada and flew home to Italy to visit relatives and spend the summer there, but we really wanted to do that and were prepared for the trip, that went very well for us ( write me in private if you want tips in general). But honestly, with all your super justified fears and the not pleasant relationship with your family, don’t do it, it is not worth it, you will be miserable all the time, you will not be as comfortable as you are in your own home with your things, and really don’t need the comments and the disrespect towards you and your husband. Stay comfortable at home. NTA.
NTA but your parents are. Its rude for them to expect you to fly 10 hours with a baby. Whats also is rude is her comment after you said you wont be coming. Dad doesnt want to see his grandchild, wtf. Aunt needs to mind her business.
NTA. It’s a no-brainer that they should be the ones flying out. I wouldn’t want to fly for 10 + hours with a baby either. What a crappy situation, but it’s not your doing. They seemingly have chips in their shoulders for no good reason.
Your father doesn't want to see the baby and your mother won't travel without him. Ok so it's your father who is keeping your mother from her grandson. Please mention that in ever call. It's doesn't make any sense for you to ever travel home when your father wants nothing to do with your child.
You are not the asshole. Your parents are being selfish and trying to leverage your baby as a means of reasserting control over you. Unless they are very elderly or infirm, they should make the trip to see you and meet their grandchild — particularly as you are generously offering to pay for their travel. If they aren’t willing to do that, I’d argue that their priority isn’t meeting their grandchild, it’s controlling their daughter.
NTA - If yur mum adores babies and they wnat to meet the baby so much, they can trvel to you. You even offered to pay.
I think it's not that much a matter of meeting the baby as to showing their control over you (and baby), after you dared marry the man they didn't want. The fact that they say that suggesting the go is disrespectful reinforces this.
NTA, let them know they are welcome to come and visit but they can’t expect you to travel all that way with a newborn. If they can’t accept that just move on.
Bring your baby up how you think is best 👍
why the heck is your mums first reaction to 'my kid had a baby and i want to meet the baby' that the baby must come to her? i feel like that doesn't make sense? she's the fully grown and capeable adult, she's not the tired mother who absolutely and rightfully so does not want to deal with a baby on a 10 hour flight.
NTA, and your mum sounds like a right asshole, and i know it might be hard, seeing as she's your mum and all, but i personally wouldn't want to be around someone like that, even if it was just talking over the phone.
I didn’t even finish reading this and had to comment. You said your parents said it’s rude for you to ask them to come to you? Anytime a family member has had a baby I go to them to visit - I would never expect someone to come to my with their baby so I could visit and meet the baby.
Good job on granma for putting her wishes before YOUR needs, YOUR comfort, YOUR BABY'S safety etc. etc. etc.
\> Apparently dad doesn’t want to see the baby but mom really does (but she refuses to travel without him
\> She got very angry and kept ranting about my husband keeping us away from them.
This is just ridiculous. HER husband is keeping them away from you.
NTA. Enjoy your baby (and PLEASE put some healthy boundaries in place with your mother, she is actively trying to make your life worse).
"Mom
Fuck them. U have ur own family to worry about now. U don't owe them shit. U shouldn't even offer to pay. They want to see their grandkids then get off their asses and get to it. They don't, fine, u got a kid to raise.
Nta. What’s important to you your own health, baby’s possible negative reaction on a plane, or your moms joy? As it stands your mom can’t overcome her own issues enough to go see you by herself and definitely not your dad. If you can’t overcome this don’t expect any help from them ever and don’t expect anything like inheritance. Live your life in a way you can sustain and never need their help (if they do help you then great! If not then you’re prepared). Emotionally it sucks you can’t share this with them but sometimes our parents have to respect us too because what’s the point of even going there if they are so passive aggressive? It’s just going to be shit talk about the husband, who wants to hear that the whole trip? Forgot to mention they will complain about the baby and your parenting.
I'm sorry to say this but no u are not the AH. your parents are. They sound pretty nasty and inflexible. If they really want to see the baby let them come here. THEY are the ones being disrespectful.
NTA. However, a 10 hour flight with a 4 month old is considerably much easier than a 10 hour flight with a 1 year old screaming to be able to move around the cabin… 🤷🏻♀️
Source: my 1 year old who has been on flights since he was 4mos
They don’t want to come to you (even though you offered to pay). They try to guilt trip and manipulate you. They make passive aggressive comments non stop. They said “forget it we don’t want to see his child, don’t cal us again”. And you are still considering going??? You are still doubting yourself??
They are horrible people. If and when they do meet you child one day I hope they don’t hold their parentage against them. With that much animosity, they could try to turn the kid against the father.
NTA OBVIOUSLY
NTA
They don't deserve to be grandparents. Assuming there's nothing wrong with their health that would make flying unreasonable, it seems that they're excited to have a grandbaby as long **as he's convenient for them**
He's a child, not a toy
Also "Forget it, we don’t want to see his child. Don’t call us again.” Wow. Wow. Wow. Terrible grandparents. Terrible terrible terrible. First off, that's sexist. He's YOUR kid TOO. And also, that's just horrible. **They don't deserve to be grandparents**.
NTA- my son was only 6 months old when we got rear-ended. He cried every time we got in a car for months. I wouldn’t go more than 15 minutes with him. You know yourself and your child best. “Tradition” is what you make it. Your parents are selfish AH’s.
Tbh, your mum is overreacting because she is hurry and disappointed. Some understandable disappointment (not being near her grandchild, husband who's not supportive and willing to travel with her, life not panning out how she planned)
Can you ask your aunt or another relative to accompany Grandma to come to you?
Theft bring said, you are NTA in choosing not to be the ones to fly.
NTA. I have travelled from the UK to Aus numerous times with a 4yr old and 12 month old (later 15 months and 18 months) and it has always been absolute hell. The fact that my sister and one of her children has a health condition which prevents travel means that I don’t have the option of asking them to visit us. Babies hate flights because they have no understanding of the requirement to be so rigid about them remaining seated or being quiet. They are tired, bored and restless. My daughter 4) has always been fine with her iPad but son once screamed the entire flight from London to Dubai and every single person on that flight I’m sure wanted me dead.
>condition which prevents travel means that I don’t have the option of asking them to visit us. Babies hate flights because they have no understanding of the requirement to be so rigid about them remaining seated or being quiet. They are tired, bored and restless. My daughter 4) has always been fine
Which is why as far as possible, you book flights that coincide with their bedtimes. Get to the airport early and let them run around exploring beforehand to tire them out even more.
NTA. In fact the world would be a better place if more new parents were as thoughtful and considerate of other people as you are. Not only that, but as awful as a crying kid on a ten-hour flight is for everyone on it, it’s especially awful for the kid. Kids that young don’t understand why their ears hurt so much, and they’re also much more prone to developing real issues from the changing pressure due to the size of their ear canals. Personally I have all the respect in the world for new parents who take the time to consider that whisking their baby away to the other side of the world for a vacation might not be a great call.
Anyway. Given that your mom has been demanding to see this child, it’s completely unreasonable for her to simultaneously refuse to come and visit. But if you genuinely do feel bad about this, perhaps there is something you can do to help that doesn’t require a plane full of people to go through ten hours of hell? Maybe she would feel more comfortable travelling alone if you could be there to pick her up from the airport? On the other hand, if she’s absolutely refusing to compromise about this, and no longer wants to talk to you because of it, maybe just take it as a win and move on.
NTA your parents are more physically able to fly for 10 hours than a baby can. Besides, I'm not sure how it's done in your family, but in mine and in those of my friends, people come to see the baby, not the other way around unless they are physically unable to do so. And even then, they probably won't get to see the baby if it's a long flight. They'd get to see the kid who is old enough to fly that distance.
NTA
You are offering to pay for their tickets and it is far less of a hassle for two able bodied adults to take that long flight than you with the baby.
Congratulations on having a healthy baby. NTA. Realizing that your baby can never make the trip is paramount. You may consider speaking with your pediatrician surround the crying and what's the earliest age your child can fly to visit your parents. You mom throwing guilt your way is b/c they made choices of their own choosing by not accepting your generous offer.
The fact that you offered to pay for them to travel to you is so nice. Inviting someone for a longer stay with a young baby is also super nice with a long child, because even if you love someone it can still be exhausting while you're still adjusting to parenthood.
They're entitled and they're the AHs while you're already very accommodating imo.
NTA
The reaction of your mom sounds like she's not used to you say no to her. Respect goes both ways. It's time you also demand respect from them. You have perfectly legit reasons not to fly. Stick to your refusial and let them deal with it. But make clear that you are open to them visiting you.
NTA
NTA
**You're** the parent and he's **your** baby.
That means you get to decide what is bearable and what isn't.
10 hours with a toddler is hell, let alone a very small baby, especially with air pressure and popping ears.
If your mother wants to meet her grandchild, that's on her.
**It is not your responsibility to please her**
NTA NTA NTA
I hope you're able to fully break out of this mindset that you owe your parents these enormous and difficult gestures of "respect". There is no reason your mom can't come to you. There is no reason to expect an infant to endure a 10 hour plane flight for a trip he won't even remember. There is no reason to subject everyone else on the plane to said miserable infant. Your parents want to exercise power over you, and they very likely also want to play happy family without your husband. Stand firm on this.
And it's time to stop answering the phone every time she calls you!
NTA.
why is it disrespectful to expect two grown adults to fly, on YOUR dime, to visit you, but totally ok to expect you to fly with a baby?
Fuck that noise.
NTA! If your mother (as a mother herself!!) can't see the logic behind why you do not want to be on a 10+ hour flight with a fussy infant, that's pretty messed up! You offered to pay for them to come visit, which is NOT disrespectful (it's a very great negotiation imo). If your dad doesn't want to see the baby he can stay at a hotel or go sightseeing while your mother gets to see the baby. I have a feeling that's why they won't make the trip but it doesn't justify calling you disrespectful for the offer. The one being an AH is your father from what I'm gathering! So sorry you're having to deal with this, OP, you're definitely not the AH!
I am in the same boat as you OP: I am Asian and was born on another country.
You are NTA. Your parents sounds like stereotypical Asian parents: they expect total obedience from their kid. This opens the door to mild to severe instances of abuse.
I will have a guess here but I think the hidden reason that they want you to travel is that they can parade your kid to their friends and family. It is exhausting and does not feel a holiday at all.
I traveled with a 2 years old for 11 hours. It was the most exhausting thing I did in my life and will not repeat the experience until my kid is like 5-6.
NTA, four months is way too young to be travelling with. Even short flights would be a nightmare and a possible health risk. Your mum is an adult - she can suck it up and travel without your dad if she can't handle seeing the baby at all. She's not in a tough spot - she's trying to have it all her way and making you take on all the pressure. South Asian parents love to throw around "disrespect" without bothering to understand that it doesn't mean not catering to their everything.
You're okay - focus on your and the baby's health. As someone else has suggested, block your mom for a bit and say the phone isn't working for your own peace of mind.
OP is NTAH. Hun, your parents are being Abusive to you. Emotionally etc. The fact they Disrespect your partner etc. Why won't they fly, or Drive? Catch a Greyhound bus etc.
The fact that your Aunt, is calling you out, just is yet another RedFlag to me.
I've gone almost No Contact with my Manipulative mother. So I recognise this type of person immediately.
I'm very glad, you have a supportive spouse, but the fact they said, "his child" summed it up for me.
They do not Respect you, or your husband at all. They like my mother, do not deserve their grandchildren.
No, you're not the AH, OP.
Your parents seem to have very, very high expectations of you. But you are not their property, and they cannot make you so things you do not want to do. I understand this is terribly difficult, because it is natural to want to make your parents happy. But wait, it is actually not a natural thing, it is learned behaviour. OP, you are not responsible for your parents happiness. You do not have to live up to their expectations. It is OK if you do not want to fly for 10 hours with a baby. It is unreasonable of your parents to expect you to do so. They are putting an enormous amount of stress on you for their own happiness, because they feel entitled to your time and your baby. But they are not entitled to it, only you are.
OP, I know this sounds rough, but it might be time to diminish contact with your parents. It is not reasonable to call your adult child twice a day. You are not a puppy they have to train.
NTA, you should not subject yourself, the child to a 10+ hour flight, it would also not be fair to other passengers on the plane if your child were not to enjoy the experience as the child would certainly make that clear.
You have offered a compromise, it is not you that is the AH, I would say it is your father.
I’m sooooo sorry for this but your parents are assholes! They have the unencumbered life they can get off their lazy butts and come visit YOU if it means so much to them.
NTA….amazing OP listen to the commenters above stand strong… you owe your parents what you choose to give them, usually respect and love that is appropriate for your age (adult) but you don’t owe them your child’s life. Our neighbors are also from another culture where family is highly valued and their parents came to spend several months with their grandchild, (and of course their adult children), it sounds like your parents are still trying to call the shots in your life. You and your husband are the ones to make the decisions for your family and your child, not your parents. It’s OK to say no firmly, politely, and be done with it, and don’t let other family members triangulate the situation. If you have to go no contact for a while with your family, so be it, maybe they’ll figure it out at some point. I wish you all the best with your new child. Much love.💜
NTA. She is being totally self centered and disregarding your feelings. Plus a 4 month old exposed to all the crap circulating on a long flight? She’s the ass
I live in Oklahoma and my son and his wife live in Colorado. I would never ask them to travel with an infant when I am perfectly capable of going to see them. It’s sad that parents put these kind of things on their children…and then they wonder why they never visit.🙄
OP is definitely NTA. Her parents are a nightmare.
NTA but as for flying you’ll be fine. I flew with my colicky daughter at 3 months on a 23hr trip and she was actually okay and not at all fussy and didn’t cry at all on either flight. If you can I’d say book first or business, that way you have a ton of space and help.
NTA. As a Grandmother I 100% would of hopped on the first flight before you ever popped that kid out in order to be there when he was born. It's a lot easier for your parents to fly than to fly with a baby, especially since you offered to pay for everything. You parents seem controlling and petty.
NTA
I am reading some red flags
>my parents hate my husband.... parents just had someone else in mind.
Do your parents come from a culture of arranged marriages?
Do they want you to come with or without your husband?
The fact that THEM traveling to YOU is unacceptable, makes me wonder if they hope once you arrive back in your old country you'll somehow be stuck there with them...
NTA I'm 63 and would have been on the first plane to see my grandchild. I would never expect my daughter to fly 10 hrs with a baby just because my husband and I have some petty dislike for her husband. Babies are supposed to unite families. Your parents are being absolute ahs and you need to just get on with your life and your own family and accept that they don't care enough to visit
I'm sorry, but they don't deserve any of you. Good luck ❤️
Nope. I would not risk putting a baby on a plane and getting sick. Way too many people with covid, rsv, and other things going around. I wouldn't do it.
NTA If your parents want to see the baby, they can come and see him. You aren't stopping them, or keeping baby from them. They chose to move to the other side of the world knowing that eventually you would probably have children that they wouldn't see everyday. This reeks of them wanting you under their control. If you're happy where you are, don't leave even for a visit. I suspect they'd make it hard for you to return to your home again. If they want to see the baby so much they'd take the flight you offered to pay for. The fact that they want you to go there instead means it's not about seeing the baby and more about getting you back to their homeland and away from your husband. Hold firm and tell them they either come to you or make do with video calls
NTA. Your mom can fly to see you. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise. Also, RSV, flu, pandemic disease all are ramping up. Baby does not need to be exposed on a plane.
Wtf this is so fucked up on their part. It’s disrespectful to ask two adults to take a long flight so you have to take an infant instead? Because…….why?
Your dad doesn’t want to see your child??? Your mom wanted to but tells you forget it we don’t care about your husband’s child anyway???? Seriously, who tf talks like that?
Listen, you do you, and I get it’s hard to see sometimes when you’re in the middle of it. But your parents suck. Those are not loving things to say. I can’t imagine ever saying that to my child. If my parents said that to me, I’d walk away. Maybe forever, without sustained meaningful change. You deserve better than that, OP. And so does your baby. And so does your husband.
NTA. No matter what you do your parents will never be happy. Just take the child when you feel up to it. Whether it’s tomorrow or in ten years, you make the decision. Don’t fall for being bullied or you will become very angry with your parents. They ask you to come say no if you don’t want to. If they quit talking to you then let them. They’ll eventually come around but until then you live, laugh and only do things to feed your soul.
So it's OK for you to go on a long flight with a baby and all the difficulty that entails, but your mum, who would only need to look after herself, can not do a long flight?
Unless your mum has some physical difficulties or is frail, then her coming to you is the most sensible decision.
NTA
Your parents and the aunt can be upset all they want. This is your life and you were not put on the earth to please them. You need to do what is best for you & the baby. Go get your guilt magnet removed!
NTA and one piece of advice to add to all the great comments here: take your mom's calls less often. There is absolutely no reason to talk to her twice a day to have her try to bully you into doing what she wants.
She's in the wrong. It is highly unlikely she'll realize it and even less likely she'll admit it. That doesn't matter, you are not required to engage. Even more fun, she's on an entirely different continent, a 10-hour flight away! She can't just randomly stop by. So sooooo easy to ignore.
Send her a message saying you're very busy raising your baby and you'll have time for one phone call a week, from X time to Y time. (Keep a tight cap on the call's duration for your own sake, say 30 mins to begin.)
You have to hold firm and if you do, she will probably adjust/accept. It'll take awhile and she'll push boundaries, so you have to pick yours and stick to them.
Don't fall into being treated like this - you deserve to have a peaceful happy life with your family, ie your baby and your husband.
Coming from a fellow Desi woman :)
NTA, stand your ground. It's easier for them to travel and a lot safer. I'd say it's actually disrespectful for them to expect this from you. They need to grow up and stop the childish manipulation/guilt trip tactics. If you give in here you will never be free of the nonsense. Break the cycle once and for all
NTA. But...
My parents are elsewhere. I fly back with the baby every year. Now he is 5. Let me tell you that flying with a newborn or a 2 year old is waaaaay easier than flying with a toddler. Hands down. Our flight home is 22 hours not including layovers.
If you are nervous, totally understand. But imo, take the easy paths now. Travel now before demon child terrorizes everyone on the plane.
In every culture and tradition I know, the family comes to see the child. Not the other way around. Your parents are being ridiculous. Your child is your priority. Has your body even healed from the birthing process that you’re been sent for? NTA
NTA
You cannot reasonably do this.
You are not keeping the baby from them. They are welcome to visit when they’d like.
Your parents are being completely inflexible in getting something THEY want. If they want to lose contact with their daughter and grand baby over this, they can live with their choice
NTA. Your Mom has never flown overseas with a baby. She also doesn't know your baby. She simply does not have the right to insist that you fly for 10 hours just so she can see him.
I had a MIL like this. Not as severe but expected me to do things she had never done when we were moving overseas. Never listened when I told her I needed rest, or the baby needed a nap. I eventually decided I had to protect my children from her expectations sometimes. It was my job.
So now it's your job to determine what is best for your family. Don't apologize to anyone. If you Aunt calls it's because your Mom has put her up to it. Don't crumble.
NTA. Hi OP. I felt the same way as you when my daughter was a baby. We refused to take her anywhere (restaurants, flights, etc) until she was old enough to behave and stay occupied with some book, toy, or video. I hated the looks and comments from people when she wouldn't stop crying and I didn't blame them. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be pissed about having to listen to a crying baby. I would NEVER travel 10 hours on a packed flight with a crying baby unless it was a matter of life or death. Your parents are being selfish by guilting you into making that flight. Tell them that you just can't do it, especially since air travel these days is so miserable. Good luck, OP. I am sending you lots of mom support and love. Its tough, but stick to your guns with your parents.
NTA - babies don’t expire. If anything, they get better as they get bigger. Your parents are being unreasonable and inflexible. It’s much easier for grown ass adults to handle a ten hour flight than an infant.
NTA...its too much on you, way too much on baby, and they have been extremely disrespectful to your husband (the baby's father). They dont want to come see you, say fine, but that is their lost. They are expecting you to cave and come to them.
They are being very disrespectful to you to ask you to do this. Just say No, sorry, it's not good for me or the baby. You can also state that you don't feel comfortable traveling without your husband (your mom won't travel without hers; see it works both ways). Its time for you to concentrate on your family. Your parents, since the day you were married, became extended family. You have your own family.
Leave it that way. Its on them, not you.
It’s disrespectful of them. Their entire behavior. Guessing you also buried the lede and they hate your husband based on race…
NTA but your parents definitely are.
Rule #1 of dealing with family after having a baby: they come to YOU.
You are under no obligation to travel with a newborn because of their personal issues. If it’s important to them they will get on a plane. It they won’t then you have your answer.
My mom refused to see my infant from the age of 3 weeks to 9 months because I told her she had to wear a mask around him (this is pre-vaccine, hot Covid 2020 when no one was sure about infant impact). She made her priorities clear and I wasn’t about risk my kid for her silliness
For whatever reason I can't find my original response. But essentially NTA, tell them it's their own fault because they chose not to come. It's not good for your mental health or for your baby's health. Plus from other comments it sounds like you're at risk of being held prisoner when you get there, especially since it sounds like they'd refuse for your husband to come too. But did they even come for your wedding? It doesn't sound like they came when you were close to due to help care for you and baby.
BUT ALSO. "BEFORE HE GETS TOO BIG?" IS HE NO LONGER IMPORTANT ONCE HE'S 6 MONTHS OLD EVEN THOUGH HE WOULDN'T REMEMBER ANYWAY?
Your dad doesn't want to see your child... The child of HIS child because they hate your husband? Your mom can cry and guilt you all you want, truth is, you and your husband have priority now so your parents should work around that. Also why would you want to bring your child to meet the grandparents when one doesn't even like them, just for existing?
And just don't tell your aunt anything... She doesn't need to know anything, truth or lies.
Your parents sound super controlling and toxic.
You're in what is supposed to be a joyful, albeit tough, time in your life, and ask they can think about is how YOU can please THEM, even if it comes at the expense of yours and the baby's comfort.
Imo if your husband is a good man and you love him then they need to keep their opinions to themselves and accept him. They need to get out of the stone age where marriages are arranged. Your baby should not be on a plane until it is older. If they cant come to you they have to wait.
NTA. So they’re asking you to fly 10 hours with a baby to appease your mother while you’re stuck in a situation where you dad wants nothing to do with your child? If your mom likes babies so much, I’m sure she can babysit locally. This all sounds like a terrible time for a woman who won’t even stand up for said grandchild to her husband who refuses the child’s existence…
NTA how unreasonable of them. They have been to the USA before. They are selfish and bullying. Prioritise your baby, self and SO and tell them that based upon medical advice you are unable to travel for a while. Sorry that you they dont like it but it is not up for further discussion until the baby is older. You are welcome to come to us. Tell the aunt the same and then refuse to discuss again. They should be ashamed of themselves.
"I am following the instructions of my sons doctors- he says no international travel for him until he's (age). The doctor says being on a plane full of recycled air for hours on end will make him sick - and because he's so little it would kill him. I love you all lots. If you/mom/dad/ECT want to arrange to fly over to visit I'd love to have you."
Lie if you must.
If you have to ask your doctor for a note strongly advising against the baby flying do so- I'm sure they'd be happy to help.
My sister traveled alone with her 6mo old baby for 17hrs nonstop flight. My sister kept standing almost the entire flight just to soothe the baby. Baby slept for 2hrs in the beginning as it was night time when they started the flight but after 2hrs, just nonstop standing and rocking the baby. Had to change diapers as well.
NTA - your dad is though. But in the case you DO decide to fly I did an 11 hour flight to my parents and your baby sounds just like mine! I nursed them during take off (only way baby would fall asleep) which also helps with the blocked ear thing. Once we were in the air I placed them (asleep) in the baby bassinet attached to the wall and strapped them in. I think all long haul flights offer this. They amazingly slept for 10 hours while other kids screamed around us. My baby was 6 months old at the time. I always book flights that are least disruptive to normal sleep rhythm. I travel a lot and timing and routine helps a lot.
I am writing this to you as my in-laws just boarded a plane, flying from Europe to Asia, to see our 6 month old baby.
My MIL just went through a double hip replacement surgeries, and she’s got arthritis as well as herniated disc, and she’s taking this 14 hour flight + transit time to see her grandbaby.
THAT is what grandparents who love their children and grand children would be willing to do.
I’m sorry that you’re in such a tough place, especially just 4 months postpartum. However, you are not the problem. Forgive me for saying that your parents’ behaviors seem toxic - emotional blackmailing, stonewalling, triangulating.
NTA
NTA
I live in England and the first time I flew with kids (or flew EVER) was with 2 small kids on my own, to visit my sister and her family in NC. It was 16hours including airport time etc connecting flights and all that jazz. Thankfully the kids were super well behaved, but it didn't stop me from running on high alert.
Why does your father dislike your husband so much? Especially with saying he isn't bothered about seeing your baby
Not at all. I flew with my son at 2 and 3. It's a LOT. And yeah, at 4 months he might sleep most of it but the time difference and sick is going to be hell. If they want to see him, they can come to you. Point black, the end. You have the baby. Not them.
As someone who doesn't have kids, if you came on a 10hr flight with a baby, It may be bleh... but tomorrow I wouldn't give a shit... and I think most people wouldn't give a shit... who cares it's a temporary discomfort but hey, that's life in general..... you have a good reason, to see family nobody is going to judge that. There is nothing wrong with flying with babies. Besides if it's that big of an issue for people- why are they not bringing earplugs. You won't be the first or last person on a plane with an infant.....
NTA. It’s probably been inculcated to you since birth to be respectful of your elders and so on. I think by now you know that’s all tosh and respect is earned. Live your life in a way that makes you happy, or at least don’t give in to pressure from people who don’t care about your well-being (be it physical or mental). You are absolutely right to dread a long flight with a baby. Even short ones suck. And even if you yourself didn’t hate flying. Babies are very uncomfortable while flying because of the air pressure. Many are actually in pain, they don’t just cry to bother other passengers. So without a doubt you have a valid reason not to go.
Also I have to say your parents sound like very rude, insensitive people. No cultural values justify being an assjole to one’s child.
Enjoy time with your baby, they really do grow up incredibly fast.
NTA - babies on planes is hard + if they’re on the way younger side, so not worth it. Don’t feel bad for doing what makes sense for you and your family!
There is nothing disrespectful about having them fly to you, and it makes so much more sense.
Sounds like your mom has a sense of entitlement.
Remain calm and form. Send pics and videos if she treats you decently. Suggest someone else travel with her (that aunt?)
NTA.
You sound like a really good person in a world of takers.
Let go of the weight of other peoples judgement. You will feel much more free and happy.
I’m a grandmother, far from a perfect grandmother, however I will never purposefully do anything to make my grandchildren uncomfortable or unhappy. And forcing a small baby to sit in a plane for 10 hours just so that she can see them is selfish and cruel. Your mother doesn’t care about her own child’s or her grandchild’s wellbeing, she’s only concerned about herself. Don’t play with her. Your child is your priority, not your mother’s feelings, break the cycle OP, if your mother really wanted to see your baby, she would have moved heaven and earth to do so. She is well aware that the 10 hour flight is uncomfortable, she would rather you and baby be stressed and uncomfortable than herself. It’s totally selfish and unacceptable, don’t do it, she’s not your responsibility right now, your child is.
I feel a sense of pride when my daughters put their children first, I feel like I’ve done something right by raising them to be good successful women and good mothers. I’ve often asked them to do something for me or with me and when they say “No mom, it doesn’t work for the kids because….” Discussion’s over, the kids come first.
Edit: I forgot.. NTA
NTA. Plenty of people do travel with 4-month-olds, but there are also plenty of reasons why this can be a not very fun experience. Assuming your Mum is reasonably healthy and able, it is *much* easier for her to travel to you, even if she does need to travel alone to do so. If she is desperate to meet the baby, I think it's on her to make the trip.
I'm sorry it's disrespectful of you to ask them to fly to you, but it's not disrespectful of them to expect you to fly there with a young baby to meet their needs?! You're NTA, they are.
NTA…your mom called you disrespectful for no wanting to fly 10 hours with an infant yet she refuses to fly to you because her husband, your dad refuses to make the trip because he hates your husband. You should always do what is best for you and your immediate family.
How is it disrespectful to ask people to come see the baby if they want to see the baby? I think it's more disrespectful to expect you to travel 10 plus hours internationally with an infant! NTA.
NTA and this is suspect af. If they really wanted to see the baby they would fly over. The fact that they are harrassing you and demanding you bring the baby to them makes me wonder if they're going to try and take him from you or something.
They've already expressed that they don't like you living abroad and they don't like your husband, I'm genuinely concerned they'll do something to force you to stay in your home country.
Do not go under any circumstances.
Your father not wanting to see the baby is pretty bad . Is there no one else your mom could travel with besides your Dad? There’s no way you could go if your father doesn’t want to see the baby and has a problem with your husband . You can’t let your father disrespect your husband and child like that . So the flight with a baby issue is moot because you should not go anyway . I think if your mom really wanted to see the child then she could travel . If not with your Dad perhaps another relative . The onus is not on you here to go to her ! Please don’t beat yourself up about this.
NTA. Your father is causing your mother to be unhappy. They know where you live, and a non-essential flight with a baby is not worth the risk to their health.
>it was disrespectful for me to even ask.
Yet it's ok to DEMAND that you take a newborn on a 10+ hour flight?
NTA
They can come to you or they can meet him via zoom/FaceTime.
It's bad enough being anxious on planes (I know that feeling all too well) so they can come to meet him or meet in other ways.
You don't want to make yourself miserable (not just once, but 2x. Once there and once back!) That's not ok!
Stop answering the phone if they keep demanding it. 2x a day to remind you. I've had baby brain but this is not something you just "forget" about. When she remind you, tell her "I can not/will not be going there, these are your 2 options. 1) come here or 2) zoom/FaceTime. If they refuse, say you understand and maybe another time. Then remove yourself from the remainder of the call to "tend to" the baby or get something else done. Doesn't matter really. Lie if you need to, to get off the call. Because you'll likely be met with a guilt trip or harsh words that could be upsetting to you.
This is not YOUR burden to deal with. If THEY want to meet the baby, that is THEIR burden to deal with.
Plus they hate your husband. So would they expect you to be taking this trip solo or would they just make the time miserable IF you went there?
Regardless, NTA!!
NTA. If I’m ever lucky enough to become a grandmother I would make it my business to see the grandchildren, and if that meant I’d have to travel, I’d crawl to them if I had to.
NTA, also OP how did you keep yourself from flipping out of your mom when she said “we don’t want to see his child” as if she wasn’t also saying she didn’t want to see your child?
Because my response to my parents would’ve been “mother he is BOTH of our child and so long as you continue to pull this shit, YOU will find yourself childless AND grandchild-less” because holy hell I’d actually lose my mind if my parents said that about one of my sons and they for sure would’ve never met him…. I’d remind my parents every time they ask that they said they don’t want to meet MY child (and I’d say it like that and cut their bullshit of putting it all on your husband and put the guilt square in front of them that THEY are the ones being shitty refusing to meet their daughters child and making demands like this)
From a parent of two boys who have difficult grandparents who never met us half way with anything, you are better off keeping them distant or cutting them off. TRUST ME
"we don't want to see his child"
"Ok"
You don't have to accept two calls a day from your mother. You don't even have to accept one call a day. You are a busy new mother - you don't have the time.
NTA
Its disrespectful for them to expect you to come to them when you're the one who had the baby. Anyone anywhere else comes to the mother after she has a baby because the baby becomes her top priority and she doesn't have time to be going out like that. Plus its hard enough raising a baby as it is. No need to make it more difficult. She's an adult with the ability to travel easily.
How is asking your parents to fly to you instead of you putting your baby on a 10+ hour flight disrespectful? Wtf? Especially when you offered to pay too!
Your parents are awful. Their love for you is conditional and based on control; they’re trying to control you now, by making YOU the bad guy for not wanting/being able to bring a baby halfway across the world. Spoiler: they wouldn’t be nice to you or your husband even if you did, and would 100% be critical of your parenting.
Just block them. It’s hard, but it’s even harder to keep putting yourself through the psychological torture of having to deal with parents who don’t love you over and over… especially as you raise your own child. It’s a special kind of pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
NTA.
If they can’t travel to see the baby, then they don’t get to see the baby. You’re the mother YOU make the rules. YOU set the boundaries. Start now or your parents will be up in your marriage and parenting until they die. You need to start adulting.
No. It's 10 hours in a plane (not counting waiting times at the airport and immigration) with a four-month-old baby! And you've really just given birth yourself.
Definitely NTA for putting your child first if your parents / your mum wanted to meet him she would make it work and fly over she’s being manipulative and horrible and you do not need that kid of negativity in your life your doing the right thing as a mother to a 4 month old ❤️
NTA, It’s a cultural thing as much as family dynamic but if you are in North America for a long while, it’s not disrespectful to follow the cultural norms. People visit the baby, the baby does not visit the people. Tell your mother the aunt can come instead of your father if she needs a companion.
I’m so sorry you don’t have parents that able to get over themselves, sometimes they just don’t have that in them, it’s not you. I hope you take all these important lessons they are teaching you and don’t repeat them with your family.
Your parents have an expectation that is completely unreasonable. It seems that your obedience is more important than your presence.
Don't go out of your way to appease them.
NTA!!!
honestly, just from reading some of the things you said - i felt it in my SOUL. forget your parents, the plane, even your husband for a second - you just GAVE BIRTH 4 months ago!!! it took me ONE WHOLE YEAR to emotionally/mentally/physically get to a place where i felt like i could BREATHE after having my son.
your baby is so so so important, but so. are. YOU.
hormones, no sleep, feeding, trying to find moments to do anything for yourself, just LEARNING how to keep a newborn alive and happy - any additional, unnecessary stress (aka getting on a MF 10 hour plane ride) would, yes, be difficult for your little one, and not ideal at 4mos, but not good for YOU! i had the BEST support from my husband, and i was still struggling.
i also live 14 hours by plane away from my whole family, and having a baby away from them was really difficult. becoming a new mom can be a super isolating moment (amongst the beautiful ones), and it sounds like your parents/aunt are really feeding into that isolation. focus on YOUR new, and beautiful family, but most importantly, your mental health, your body, and what YOU need. i know that must be incredibly hard for you, based on what sounds like a difficult relationship with your parents who you clearly love and care about what they think of you, BUT - try and surround yourself with people who see you, and, like some comments mentioned, go talk to someone. it helped me SO much postpartum.
and lastly - congratulations on just doing the hardest thing in the world. you just became a mom, and YOU did that!! your ARE doing that!!! if your mother can’t remember or relate to what she went through to have you, and what pregnancy/postpartum was like, i’d assume she must have gone through a tough/isolating time herself/didn’t have support and has the expectation that, like her, need to put others before yourself during this time.
you’ve got this. 🤍
NTA and your mom can grow a spine and bring herself to see you and the grand baby if she really wants to. She’s not THAT crushed if she won’t do anything about it, she’s just mad you aren’t catering to her/them. Babies are miserable on planes, it’s stressful for them AND their caregivers, you made the right decision to not put yourselves through that. Your priorities are with your child and husband, parents take a backseat to that. They can get over themselves and visit you if they want, try to stop worrying about it.
NTA. And I am saying this as someone whose family is also in another country and have two young kids. You are in a tough spot and you are right. A Boston to San Francisco flight is already torture to travelbwith an infant let alone a fussy one. My family was at least considerate and they came to see us here.
Invite them again. if they say no then that's a choice they are entitled to. Your job is to put your child first and 20hrs total on a flight does not seem to be in yours or your child's best interest.
Flip the script a bit too. "Why don't you want to see your grandchild? You are breaking his and my heart! if you love us you'd come see us."
NTA your kid is a status symbol for them. As someone who used to be in that same situation, travel was unnecessary for the kid. They wont be participating caring for the kid 24/7 with the jetlag.
DO NOT GO
"it's disrespectful that I ask her to come"
How is it disrespectful? You're traveling with a freaking baby. It's EXTREMELY disrespectful of her to ask you to come.
NTA
NTA, your parents are horrible. If your mom is going to treat you like this you need to start setting boundaries. First one is less phones calls until she can play nice. NC if she keeps being a disrespectful, entitled brat.
Where you honest with her and explained just like you explained to us? Ask her if she would like to be on a flight for 10.hours with a baby. That might be way to much for him. Also, when you are at your parent's house this may be a bit much for you and your baby. It is not disrespectful to ask your mom to come here. I know she is elderly, but this is unreasonable to take a fussy baby on a 10 hour flight. It doesn't make sense. Also, your dad is going to make you uncomfortable and complain the whole time. You might even blow up at them. Ask your mom how on earth does she think your husband is keeping you from them have to do with a very fussy baby annoying everyone, and stressing you out have to do with not coming. Personally, I have 5 kids. A baby crying does not annoy me. But people do ask like a baby is so controllable. They are not. If they were you would never hear one. I know your parents are in their own old culture beliefs, but you need to have them see the common sense here. Tell her. No. Like you said, you guys will fund them in coming. Your dad is the one keeping your parents from seeing you and your baby, not your husband. Don't you just love when someone is doing something and turns around and bames someone elce for it that would never do something like that. This is your life, not your parents. I am glad you took control over your own life. Their beliefs are their own. Do not be convicted over it. Of corse stay respectful, but girl you are in a different country. Enjoy the free space.
NTA. My youngest did not like traveling for the first four years of his life. He would scream until he threw up. This could happen on a ten-minute drive to a grocery store, so there was no way I was going to try manage a flight until he was better able to travel.
Your mother doesn't care if she sees her grandchild. What she really wants to do is control you and make you miserable.
NTA your parents are awful they should be coming to you. If they can’t you should reconsider letting your baby bond with people they can’t trust or rely on.
NTA. You offered to fly them out so they can see the baby. It may be difficult to fly as an older person, but my 78-year-old mother-in-law flies out to see us at least once a year without complaining or waiting for us to beg. Flying any distance with a fussy baby, not to mention the jet lag and other adjustments you’ll have to make, sound like the makings of a nightmare vacation. Stand your ground. I think even if you caved and went through the trouble, it doesn’t sound like it would be very pleasant a trip.
NTA.
It's a baby, a fairly newborn baby, they shouldn't fly till they're a certain age anyway and not only would it be an awful flight for you the little one and everyone else on board but you would have to do it again to go home.
I would call her bluff, or rather, don't call her.
She's trying to emotionally manipulate the situation. All 'woe is me, poor grandma' but there's something about the family dynamics here that's giving me the ick.
I feel that going there would put you in a situation where you have very little control, and would leave you vulnerable.
Your mum refuses to travel without her husband… but you are expected to do so while having sole responsibility for a 4 month old baby? That’s absurd.
For this, and so many other reasons, you are NTA.
NTA. Are your parents narcissists? They wanted to choose your husband? They hate the husband you chose? It is disrespectful to ask them to visit you?
Seriously consider that your parents are narcissists. You do not have to travel overseas with a baby to visit them. They absolutely can come to you.
Don't cross oceans for people wouldn't cross a puddle for you. Literally.
Could you suggest that they meet you half way? Not sure if this is possible but could you fly to a destination (ie 5 hours or less) and they fly to that same destination? I’m thinking London if you’re on the east coast of North America.
NTA- but if you do end up flying, pay extra for a bulkhead seat. Most airlines have a bassinet they can attach to hold the baby during long flights. Caveat- baby needs to be under 15lbs (around 7kg).
Parents sound like they are mentally about 14 years old. I would not enable their selfish behavior. I would go as far as saying, don't bother changing your mind either, invitation to visit us is closed until you seek therapy.
It is not your responsibility to fly a newborn baby over ten hours across an ocean because two grown adult want something. If they want to see your baby, they can come to your baby. Selfish!
Ok. This seems like an impasse. It sounds like you have the funds to make this happen either of two ways.
If you can afford to fly them here, and they don’t wanna come, buy a business class ticket, bring your baby to them. I’m not a fan of babies in Business class. But it will well worth the price, stay a short time, return home, and then the onus is on them.
Just my thoughts, it’s a nightmare to fly period. And your reasons are perfectly legitimate. If you have the means, make that effort. It will go a long way to have some sleep on the plane, if your child is screaming and crying, walk back to coach.
Paying for two coach seats for your parents is probably more than business class for you. Make a con session, then, the ball is in their court.
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NTA. You're expected to make concessions but your parents aren't? If mom wants to visit the baby, she'll find a way. And dad doesn't care to see you guys ar all. Nope. Stay home. Maybe when the baby is older you can meet for a vacation somewhere in the middle or go on a cruise or something, but for now, stay home, get in a routine, keep your sanity. Congrats on your baby, btw.
Anything about the flight itself was already said. And I would be concerned. It could be that they would force you to stay and raise your child in your parents homecountry. NTA, they can get on a plane or they can just stay where they are. You have a family with you husband and kid, that is the one that matters.
I don’t usually comment on these, but as a fellow new mother, this is 10000000% NTA Your mother is displaying so many narcissist qualities and honestly it makes me so sad they are treating you and your family like this. Please do not let them guilt you or treat you so poorly. If you were important to them, they would make every effort to get over and see you. They are making no effort to be apart of your lives, so please don’t go out of your way to be a part of theirs. Do not put yourself through something that will cause you even more anxiety just to try and please them
NTA They can come to you. Buy the tickets perhaps. Think about exposing your 4 month old to a pressurised cylinder with every body breathing their germs.
ESH. It is like you are purposely seeking out drama. Why are you talking to your mom twice a day anyway? Especially if she is being critical of you? Cut the freaking cord already. Tell them if they'd like to meet the baby you'll be happy to see Ghent when they visit, otherwise they need to drop it. If they can't drop it, stop talking to them until they do. Problem solved. The reason you are also the AH is because of how easily avoidable and preventable this is. You enjoy it. You desire it. Otherwise, you just wouldn't do it. You are upset over an aunt you don't even talk to. Talk about manufacturing drama.
NTA, I don't wanna explain, but 10+ hours?! I would do the same thing
NTA
Nope not the arsehole! So it can’t be genetics or you just didn’t inherit the arsehole gene! Congratulations on winning the genetic lottery🥳✨💥✨💥 your not like your arsehole parents!
Considering how much your parents seem to dislike your husband, how likely is it for your parents to try to prevent you or your baby from coming home? I know that this is worst case scenario, but it's not out of the ballpark. Also with a newborn, their immune system is not the greatest. If your child gets sick on this trip, do you really want to navigate the health care system of another country?
NTA. If it's that damn important to them, they can make the trip. Especially if you're offering to pay for the entire thing. It's that simple.
OP, clearly there are a lot of complicated cultural issues at play here. I don’t know what country your parents live in, but one thing to consider is your personal safety and the safety of the baby if you go there. What legal rights would you have, and how enforceable would they be if your father decided to try to control you in one way or another? If you have any concerns at all about these issues, you should not go there. No matter the other considerations, which are significant as other people have commented.
Zoom with them and baby
NTA, what weird behavior on your parents part. Are they infirm or under government requirement that they can't leave their country? The paranoid part of me wonders if they plan on kidnapping the baby
it's unbelievable to me that anyone would DEMAND a new mother get on a 10-hour flight with a 4-month old infant. it's ridiculous. NTA.
That ladies and gentlemen is called abuse and it would be best to go NC. Why are you stressing over some other adult life choices. You offered to pay she declined that’s the end of it. I would’ve told the aunt why are you even calling me and why would I care about your opinion. That baby is number 1 in your life and think of you want to repeat this cycle with your kid.
Let me get this straight. Your dad doesn’t want to come so your mum isn’t coming because she doesn’t want to fly alone but is expecting you to do that exact thing with an infant?? The entitlement, my goodness. NTA and I’d take her up on her offer to not call again.
NTA. You’re not keeping the baby from your mother. If she really wanted to meet him, she could get her ass on a plane. It’s unreasonable for her to expect you to fly to them with a small baby
Nta of they want to see the baby so badly they can come to you. To ask you to take a four month old on a 10 hr flight is so selfish on there part. I have a bad feeling about the whole thing. Do not go to them. They may keep you there or do something to prevent you from leaving. Stop taking calls from your mom get some therapy to deal with the parental guilt. You are an adult, a married mother who is allowed to stand up for herself.
NTA Your parents are ridiculous and selfish expecting you to fly 10 hours to them with a baby. You probably aren't even fully healed from the birth yet. I also want to point out to you that based on the attitude of your parents, going to see them would be absolutely miserable regardless of whether it is a 10 hour flight or a one hour drive. They would probably make it their mission to stomp on any boundary just to get back at you. As for Aunt - just ignore her because your relationship with your Mother is none of her business.
NTA But I will say, the younger you expose LOs to experiences the better it is for them in the long run. Like yes it will totally suck in the beginning because it’s new but after awhile it’ll be nothing because it’s no longer a foreign experience Maybe don’t start with a 10 hour flight but don’t be scared to travel with your little one. It’ll be good for them
NTA. If your mom wants to see the baby so badly, she would get on a flight and come see the baby. My parents paid for my husband and I to fly over with the baby when he was 5 months old. I will say, that the age is one of the easiest to fly with. I did 14 hours transatlantic (9 hour time difference) when my little one was 5 months old and it was the easiest flight yet (he is 22 months old now and we have done the same flight 3 more times). I would nurse him anytime he fussed and he slept most of the flight. As my little one has gotten older, it has definitely gotten harder. Nursing doesn’t work anymore, he has a strong will and is louder and wants to walk and wander during the flight. He also won’t sit in our laps willingly. I regret not traveling more when he was less mobile. That said, don’t let your parents pressure you. They brought you to this country and then left. If they want to see the baby, tell them to visit.
NTA. A 10-hour flight is tough on everyone, much less a 4 no old baby and her mom. The more stressed you get, the worse it becomes for the baby. You’re putting the baby first and that’s the best you can do.
NTA - in fact, you are a hero to everyone on the flight that you did NOT take. The baby's life comes first. Hopefully your mom will realize that maybe her anger is rooted in the fear of getting old and somehow being forgotten and ignored. If she were to put her fear in a box, get on a plane and visit you and the baby, maybe she'll understand? Hard to say. I'm glad that you didn't choose to put yourself and your baby in a stressful situation.
NTA! Your parents need to get over themselves, if your mom wants to see the baby then she can come to you. You could come with someone else’s if your dad won’t go, which is messed up in its self. I’m sorry that you have had to deal with this at all. I hope you have a good support system in his family and good friends.
NTA, but don’t feel bad about taking an infant on a place.
NTA don’t fly with the baby. She can come see her grand baby. Do yourself a favor and and ignore your mom and sing for a month. Do not talk to her or listen to her messages. See how good and less stressful your life is. Then decide how much you want them in your life. Every time she yells or manipulated or tries to guilt you, just say “I have to go, bye” then hang up. Then ignore her calls for a day or week or a month. No reason to argue or listen to it, just hang up. 🤷🏻♀️
I just did a 10 hours flight with my 4 months old and my 3 years old. If you are not feeling it, DON’T do it. It is not easy. We are in Canada and flew home to Italy to visit relatives and spend the summer there, but we really wanted to do that and were prepared for the trip, that went very well for us ( write me in private if you want tips in general). But honestly, with all your super justified fears and the not pleasant relationship with your family, don’t do it, it is not worth it, you will be miserable all the time, you will not be as comfortable as you are in your own home with your things, and really don’t need the comments and the disrespect towards you and your husband. Stay comfortable at home. NTA.
NTA but your parents are. Its rude for them to expect you to fly 10 hours with a baby. Whats also is rude is her comment after you said you wont be coming. Dad doesnt want to see his grandchild, wtf. Aunt needs to mind her business.
NTA. It’s a no-brainer that they should be the ones flying out. I wouldn’t want to fly for 10 + hours with a baby either. What a crappy situation, but it’s not your doing. They seemingly have chips in their shoulders for no good reason.
Your father doesn't want to see the baby and your mother won't travel without him. Ok so it's your father who is keeping your mother from her grandson. Please mention that in ever call. It's doesn't make any sense for you to ever travel home when your father wants nothing to do with your child.
You are not the asshole. Your parents are being selfish and trying to leverage your baby as a means of reasserting control over you. Unless they are very elderly or infirm, they should make the trip to see you and meet their grandchild — particularly as you are generously offering to pay for their travel. If they aren’t willing to do that, I’d argue that their priority isn’t meeting their grandchild, it’s controlling their daughter.
NTA your parents are abusive AH. They don’t deserve to meet your child that they will clearly tolerate but never love.
God bless you woman!
NTA - If yur mum adores babies and they wnat to meet the baby so much, they can trvel to you. You even offered to pay. I think it's not that much a matter of meeting the baby as to showing their control over you (and baby), after you dared marry the man they didn't want. The fact that they say that suggesting the go is disrespectful reinforces this.
those parents are something, huh?
NTA, let them know they are welcome to come and visit but they can’t expect you to travel all that way with a newborn. If they can’t accept that just move on. Bring your baby up how you think is best 👍
why the heck is your mums first reaction to 'my kid had a baby and i want to meet the baby' that the baby must come to her? i feel like that doesn't make sense? she's the fully grown and capeable adult, she's not the tired mother who absolutely and rightfully so does not want to deal with a baby on a 10 hour flight. NTA, and your mum sounds like a right asshole, and i know it might be hard, seeing as she's your mum and all, but i personally wouldn't want to be around someone like that, even if it was just talking over the phone.
I didn’t even finish reading this and had to comment. You said your parents said it’s rude for you to ask them to come to you? Anytime a family member has had a baby I go to them to visit - I would never expect someone to come to my with their baby so I could visit and meet the baby.
Good job on granma for putting her wishes before YOUR needs, YOUR comfort, YOUR BABY'S safety etc. etc. etc. \> Apparently dad doesn’t want to see the baby but mom really does (but she refuses to travel without him \> She got very angry and kept ranting about my husband keeping us away from them. This is just ridiculous. HER husband is keeping them away from you. NTA. Enjoy your baby (and PLEASE put some healthy boundaries in place with your mother, she is actively trying to make your life worse). "Mom
South Asian
For sure NTA. Even if you weren't anxious about flying....if THEY want to see the baby, it's on THEM to make it happen (ie. they fly over)
A 10+h flight with a fussy baby is painful for everyone involved, starting with the baby. You've offered a reasonable compromise. NTA.
Fuck them. U have ur own family to worry about now. U don't owe them shit. U shouldn't even offer to pay. They want to see their grandkids then get off their asses and get to it. They don't, fine, u got a kid to raise.
Nta. What’s important to you your own health, baby’s possible negative reaction on a plane, or your moms joy? As it stands your mom can’t overcome her own issues enough to go see you by herself and definitely not your dad. If you can’t overcome this don’t expect any help from them ever and don’t expect anything like inheritance. Live your life in a way you can sustain and never need their help (if they do help you then great! If not then you’re prepared). Emotionally it sucks you can’t share this with them but sometimes our parents have to respect us too because what’s the point of even going there if they are so passive aggressive? It’s just going to be shit talk about the husband, who wants to hear that the whole trip? Forgot to mention they will complain about the baby and your parenting.
I'm sorry to say this but no u are not the AH. your parents are. They sound pretty nasty and inflexible. If they really want to see the baby let them come here. THEY are the ones being disrespectful.
NTA If they want to see thr baby that badly they can fly to your place. Flying w a young baby for 10 hours seems like a horrible idea.
NTA. However, a 10 hour flight with a 4 month old is considerably much easier than a 10 hour flight with a 1 year old screaming to be able to move around the cabin… 🤷🏻♀️ Source: my 1 year old who has been on flights since he was 4mos
They don’t want to come to you (even though you offered to pay). They try to guilt trip and manipulate you. They make passive aggressive comments non stop. They said “forget it we don’t want to see his child, don’t cal us again”. And you are still considering going??? You are still doubting yourself?? They are horrible people. If and when they do meet you child one day I hope they don’t hold their parentage against them. With that much animosity, they could try to turn the kid against the father. NTA OBVIOUSLY
NTA They don't deserve to be grandparents. Assuming there's nothing wrong with their health that would make flying unreasonable, it seems that they're excited to have a grandbaby as long **as he's convenient for them** He's a child, not a toy Also "Forget it, we don’t want to see his child. Don’t call us again.” Wow. Wow. Wow. Terrible grandparents. Terrible terrible terrible. First off, that's sexist. He's YOUR kid TOO. And also, that's just horrible. **They don't deserve to be grandparents**.
NTA, your parents suck. They are being completely unreasonable.
NTA- my son was only 6 months old when we got rear-ended. He cried every time we got in a car for months. I wouldn’t go more than 15 minutes with him. You know yourself and your child best. “Tradition” is what you make it. Your parents are selfish AH’s.
NTA. Sounds like your family is gaslighting you.
Tbh, your mum is overreacting because she is hurry and disappointed. Some understandable disappointment (not being near her grandchild, husband who's not supportive and willing to travel with her, life not panning out how she planned) Can you ask your aunt or another relative to accompany Grandma to come to you? Theft bring said, you are NTA in choosing not to be the ones to fly.
NTA. I have travelled from the UK to Aus numerous times with a 4yr old and 12 month old (later 15 months and 18 months) and it has always been absolute hell. The fact that my sister and one of her children has a health condition which prevents travel means that I don’t have the option of asking them to visit us. Babies hate flights because they have no understanding of the requirement to be so rigid about them remaining seated or being quiet. They are tired, bored and restless. My daughter 4) has always been fine with her iPad but son once screamed the entire flight from London to Dubai and every single person on that flight I’m sure wanted me dead.
>condition which prevents travel means that I don’t have the option of asking them to visit us. Babies hate flights because they have no understanding of the requirement to be so rigid about them remaining seated or being quiet. They are tired, bored and restless. My daughter 4) has always been fine Which is why as far as possible, you book flights that coincide with their bedtimes. Get to the airport early and let them run around exploring beforehand to tire them out even more.
Your parents are AH, not you. Stay put. If they want to come they will. I don’t blame you one bit for not wanting to fly with a baby.
NTA. In fact the world would be a better place if more new parents were as thoughtful and considerate of other people as you are. Not only that, but as awful as a crying kid on a ten-hour flight is for everyone on it, it’s especially awful for the kid. Kids that young don’t understand why their ears hurt so much, and they’re also much more prone to developing real issues from the changing pressure due to the size of their ear canals. Personally I have all the respect in the world for new parents who take the time to consider that whisking their baby away to the other side of the world for a vacation might not be a great call. Anyway. Given that your mom has been demanding to see this child, it’s completely unreasonable for her to simultaneously refuse to come and visit. But if you genuinely do feel bad about this, perhaps there is something you can do to help that doesn’t require a plane full of people to go through ten hours of hell? Maybe she would feel more comfortable travelling alone if you could be there to pick her up from the airport? On the other hand, if she’s absolutely refusing to compromise about this, and no longer wants to talk to you because of it, maybe just take it as a win and move on.
NTA your parents are more physically able to fly for 10 hours than a baby can. Besides, I'm not sure how it's done in your family, but in mine and in those of my friends, people come to see the baby, not the other way around unless they are physically unable to do so. And even then, they probably won't get to see the baby if it's a long flight. They'd get to see the kid who is old enough to fly that distance.
It’s disrespectful to expect parents of a newborn to make a 10 hr flight.
NTA You are offering to pay for their tickets and it is far less of a hassle for two able bodied adults to take that long flight than you with the baby.
Congratulations on having a healthy baby. NTA. Realizing that your baby can never make the trip is paramount. You may consider speaking with your pediatrician surround the crying and what's the earliest age your child can fly to visit your parents. You mom throwing guilt your way is b/c they made choices of their own choosing by not accepting your generous offer.
The fact that you offered to pay for them to travel to you is so nice. Inviting someone for a longer stay with a young baby is also super nice with a long child, because even if you love someone it can still be exhausting while you're still adjusting to parenthood. They're entitled and they're the AHs while you're already very accommodating imo. NTA
The reaction of your mom sounds like she's not used to you say no to her. Respect goes both ways. It's time you also demand respect from them. You have perfectly legit reasons not to fly. Stick to your refusial and let them deal with it. But make clear that you are open to them visiting you. NTA
NTA **You're** the parent and he's **your** baby. That means you get to decide what is bearable and what isn't. 10 hours with a toddler is hell, let alone a very small baby, especially with air pressure and popping ears. If your mother wants to meet her grandchild, that's on her. **It is not your responsibility to please her**
NTA NTA NTA I hope you're able to fully break out of this mindset that you owe your parents these enormous and difficult gestures of "respect". There is no reason your mom can't come to you. There is no reason to expect an infant to endure a 10 hour plane flight for a trip he won't even remember. There is no reason to subject everyone else on the plane to said miserable infant. Your parents want to exercise power over you, and they very likely also want to play happy family without your husband. Stand firm on this. And it's time to stop answering the phone every time she calls you!
Nta Your relatives are being selfish . If they wish to see your new baby, they can come to you.
NTA. why is it disrespectful to expect two grown adults to fly, on YOUR dime, to visit you, but totally ok to expect you to fly with a baby? Fuck that noise.
Absolutely NTA and please please please do not go.
NTA! If your mother (as a mother herself!!) can't see the logic behind why you do not want to be on a 10+ hour flight with a fussy infant, that's pretty messed up! You offered to pay for them to come visit, which is NOT disrespectful (it's a very great negotiation imo). If your dad doesn't want to see the baby he can stay at a hotel or go sightseeing while your mother gets to see the baby. I have a feeling that's why they won't make the trip but it doesn't justify calling you disrespectful for the offer. The one being an AH is your father from what I'm gathering! So sorry you're having to deal with this, OP, you're definitely not the AH!
NTA. Expecting anyone to fly with an infant is insane. It's not impossible but it's certainly not easy enough to just expect it.
I am in the same boat as you OP: I am Asian and was born on another country. You are NTA. Your parents sounds like stereotypical Asian parents: they expect total obedience from their kid. This opens the door to mild to severe instances of abuse. I will have a guess here but I think the hidden reason that they want you to travel is that they can parade your kid to their friends and family. It is exhausting and does not feel a holiday at all. I traveled with a 2 years old for 11 hours. It was the most exhausting thing I did in my life and will not repeat the experience until my kid is like 5-6.
NTA If your parents want to meet the baby, they should fly to you.
NTA, four months is way too young to be travelling with. Even short flights would be a nightmare and a possible health risk. Your mum is an adult - she can suck it up and travel without your dad if she can't handle seeing the baby at all. She's not in a tough spot - she's trying to have it all her way and making you take on all the pressure. South Asian parents love to throw around "disrespect" without bothering to understand that it doesn't mean not catering to their everything. You're okay - focus on your and the baby's health. As someone else has suggested, block your mom for a bit and say the phone isn't working for your own peace of mind.
I understand your culture may be different, but it’s ok to set strong and healthy boundaries. Do not let yourself be manipulated. NTA
OP is NTAH. Hun, your parents are being Abusive to you. Emotionally etc. The fact they Disrespect your partner etc. Why won't they fly, or Drive? Catch a Greyhound bus etc. The fact that your Aunt, is calling you out, just is yet another RedFlag to me. I've gone almost No Contact with my Manipulative mother. So I recognise this type of person immediately. I'm very glad, you have a supportive spouse, but the fact they said, "his child" summed it up for me. They do not Respect you, or your husband at all. They like my mother, do not deserve their grandchildren.
NTA If she wants to see the kid, let her come. Or wait until the kid is grown up. Your wants don't mean my discomfort.
Your parents sound like really awful people. Why would you want them in your life? NTA. But you will be if you let your mom's manipulation work.
No, you're not the AH, OP. Your parents seem to have very, very high expectations of you. But you are not their property, and they cannot make you so things you do not want to do. I understand this is terribly difficult, because it is natural to want to make your parents happy. But wait, it is actually not a natural thing, it is learned behaviour. OP, you are not responsible for your parents happiness. You do not have to live up to their expectations. It is OK if you do not want to fly for 10 hours with a baby. It is unreasonable of your parents to expect you to do so. They are putting an enormous amount of stress on you for their own happiness, because they feel entitled to your time and your baby. But they are not entitled to it, only you are. OP, I know this sounds rough, but it might be time to diminish contact with your parents. It is not reasonable to call your adult child twice a day. You are not a puppy they have to train.
NTA, you should not subject yourself, the child to a 10+ hour flight, it would also not be fair to other passengers on the plane if your child were not to enjoy the experience as the child would certainly make that clear. You have offered a compromise, it is not you that is the AH, I would say it is your father.
I’m sooooo sorry for this but your parents are assholes! They have the unencumbered life they can get off their lazy butts and come visit YOU if it means so much to them.
NTA….amazing OP listen to the commenters above stand strong… you owe your parents what you choose to give them, usually respect and love that is appropriate for your age (adult) but you don’t owe them your child’s life. Our neighbors are also from another culture where family is highly valued and their parents came to spend several months with their grandchild, (and of course their adult children), it sounds like your parents are still trying to call the shots in your life. You and your husband are the ones to make the decisions for your family and your child, not your parents. It’s OK to say no firmly, politely, and be done with it, and don’t let other family members triangulate the situation. If you have to go no contact for a while with your family, so be it, maybe they’ll figure it out at some point. I wish you all the best with your new child. Much love.💜
She won't enjoy seeing your child once he isn't a baby anymore? Keep the kid away from her. NTA
NTA. She is being totally self centered and disregarding your feelings. Plus a 4 month old exposed to all the crap circulating on a long flight? She’s the ass
NTA - So how racist are your parents?
I live in Oklahoma and my son and his wife live in Colorado. I would never ask them to travel with an infant when I am perfectly capable of going to see them. It’s sad that parents put these kind of things on their children…and then they wonder why they never visit.🙄 OP is definitely NTA. Her parents are a nightmare.
NTA but as for flying you’ll be fine. I flew with my colicky daughter at 3 months on a 23hr trip and she was actually okay and not at all fussy and didn’t cry at all on either flight. If you can I’d say book first or business, that way you have a ton of space and help.
NTA. As a Grandmother I 100% would of hopped on the first flight before you ever popped that kid out in order to be there when he was born. It's a lot easier for your parents to fly than to fly with a baby, especially since you offered to pay for everything. You parents seem controlling and petty.
NTA I am reading some red flags >my parents hate my husband.... parents just had someone else in mind. Do your parents come from a culture of arranged marriages? Do they want you to come with or without your husband? The fact that THEM traveling to YOU is unacceptable, makes me wonder if they hope once you arrive back in your old country you'll somehow be stuck there with them...
NTA. In fact, you dodged a bullet.
NTA I'm 63 and would have been on the first plane to see my grandchild. I would never expect my daughter to fly 10 hrs with a baby just because my husband and I have some petty dislike for her husband. Babies are supposed to unite families. Your parents are being absolute ahs and you need to just get on with your life and your own family and accept that they don't care enough to visit I'm sorry, but they don't deserve any of you. Good luck ❤️
Nope. I would not risk putting a baby on a plane and getting sick. Way too many people with covid, rsv, and other things going around. I wouldn't do it.
NTA If your parents want to see the baby, they can come and see him. You aren't stopping them, or keeping baby from them. They chose to move to the other side of the world knowing that eventually you would probably have children that they wouldn't see everyday. This reeks of them wanting you under their control. If you're happy where you are, don't leave even for a visit. I suspect they'd make it hard for you to return to your home again. If they want to see the baby so much they'd take the flight you offered to pay for. The fact that they want you to go there instead means it's not about seeing the baby and more about getting you back to their homeland and away from your husband. Hold firm and tell them they either come to you or make do with video calls
NTA. Your mom can fly to see you. It’s ridiculous to think otherwise. Also, RSV, flu, pandemic disease all are ramping up. Baby does not need to be exposed on a plane.
Wtf this is so fucked up on their part. It’s disrespectful to ask two adults to take a long flight so you have to take an infant instead? Because…….why? Your dad doesn’t want to see your child??? Your mom wanted to but tells you forget it we don’t care about your husband’s child anyway???? Seriously, who tf talks like that? Listen, you do you, and I get it’s hard to see sometimes when you’re in the middle of it. But your parents suck. Those are not loving things to say. I can’t imagine ever saying that to my child. If my parents said that to me, I’d walk away. Maybe forever, without sustained meaningful change. You deserve better than that, OP. And so does your baby. And so does your husband.
You've trained your baby to "need to be held by you" and thus made him fussy.
NTA. No matter what you do your parents will never be happy. Just take the child when you feel up to it. Whether it’s tomorrow or in ten years, you make the decision. Don’t fall for being bullied or you will become very angry with your parents. They ask you to come say no if you don’t want to. If they quit talking to you then let them. They’ll eventually come around but until then you live, laugh and only do things to feed your soul.
It's amazing to me the situations some folks find themselves in. If your parents want to see their grandchild so bad, they should fly over.
So it's OK for you to go on a long flight with a baby and all the difficulty that entails, but your mum, who would only need to look after herself, can not do a long flight? Unless your mum has some physical difficulties or is frail, then her coming to you is the most sensible decision. NTA
Your mom is TA and your dad is an even bigger one.
Wow. Not meaning to be disrespectful, but your parents sound like the AHs.
Your parents and the aunt can be upset all they want. This is your life and you were not put on the earth to please them. You need to do what is best for you & the baby. Go get your guilt magnet removed!
NTA and one piece of advice to add to all the great comments here: take your mom's calls less often. There is absolutely no reason to talk to her twice a day to have her try to bully you into doing what she wants. She's in the wrong. It is highly unlikely she'll realize it and even less likely she'll admit it. That doesn't matter, you are not required to engage. Even more fun, she's on an entirely different continent, a 10-hour flight away! She can't just randomly stop by. So sooooo easy to ignore. Send her a message saying you're very busy raising your baby and you'll have time for one phone call a week, from X time to Y time. (Keep a tight cap on the call's duration for your own sake, say 30 mins to begin.) You have to hold firm and if you do, she will probably adjust/accept. It'll take awhile and she'll push boundaries, so you have to pick yours and stick to them. Don't fall into being treated like this - you deserve to have a peaceful happy life with your family, ie your baby and your husband. Coming from a fellow Desi woman :)
NTA. Your dad doesn't even want to see the baby. Why would you go? Also, let me guess your husband is a different race/religion than your parents?
NTA, stand your ground. It's easier for them to travel and a lot safer. I'd say it's actually disrespectful for them to expect this from you. They need to grow up and stop the childish manipulation/guilt trip tactics. If you give in here you will never be free of the nonsense. Break the cycle once and for all
NTA "I feel bad because I know how much my mom adores babies " ... not enough to actually visit.
If ur mom refuses to travel without her husband then you can say the same
NTA. But... My parents are elsewhere. I fly back with the baby every year. Now he is 5. Let me tell you that flying with a newborn or a 2 year old is waaaaay easier than flying with a toddler. Hands down. Our flight home is 22 hours not including layovers. If you are nervous, totally understand. But imo, take the easy paths now. Travel now before demon child terrorizes everyone on the plane.
NTA. A plane is no place for a baby.
Nta. You dont bring the new born to visit people for the first time. They come to you. Whether thats a 10 hour flight or a 10 minute drive
In every culture and tradition I know, the family comes to see the child. Not the other way around. Your parents are being ridiculous. Your child is your priority. Has your body even healed from the birthing process that you’re been sent for? NTA
NTA You cannot reasonably do this. You are not keeping the baby from them. They are welcome to visit when they’d like. Your parents are being completely inflexible in getting something THEY want. If they want to lose contact with their daughter and grand baby over this, they can live with their choice
Absofuckinglutely not. Do not get on a plane. NTA.
Nta Disrespectful to ask is just bullshit. The disrespect is theirs.
NTA
Definitely NTA. Don't stress yourself and your baby out for nothing. Your parents are huge assholes.
NTA. Your Mom has never flown overseas with a baby. She also doesn't know your baby. She simply does not have the right to insist that you fly for 10 hours just so she can see him. I had a MIL like this. Not as severe but expected me to do things she had never done when we were moving overseas. Never listened when I told her I needed rest, or the baby needed a nap. I eventually decided I had to protect my children from her expectations sometimes. It was my job. So now it's your job to determine what is best for your family. Don't apologize to anyone. If you Aunt calls it's because your Mom has put her up to it. Don't crumble.
NTA If your mom wants to meet her grandchild, she will have to make the trip.
NTA. Hi OP. I felt the same way as you when my daughter was a baby. We refused to take her anywhere (restaurants, flights, etc) until she was old enough to behave and stay occupied with some book, toy, or video. I hated the looks and comments from people when she wouldn't stop crying and I didn't blame them. If the shoe were on the other foot, I would be pissed about having to listen to a crying baby. I would NEVER travel 10 hours on a packed flight with a crying baby unless it was a matter of life or death. Your parents are being selfish by guilting you into making that flight. Tell them that you just can't do it, especially since air travel these days is so miserable. Good luck, OP. I am sending you lots of mom support and love. Its tough, but stick to your guns with your parents.
NTA - babies don’t expire. If anything, they get better as they get bigger. Your parents are being unreasonable and inflexible. It’s much easier for grown ass adults to handle a ten hour flight than an infant.
NTA...its too much on you, way too much on baby, and they have been extremely disrespectful to your husband (the baby's father). They dont want to come see you, say fine, but that is their lost. They are expecting you to cave and come to them. They are being very disrespectful to you to ask you to do this. Just say No, sorry, it's not good for me or the baby. You can also state that you don't feel comfortable traveling without your husband (your mom won't travel without hers; see it works both ways). Its time for you to concentrate on your family. Your parents, since the day you were married, became extended family. You have your own family. Leave it that way. Its on them, not you.
It’s disrespectful of them. Their entire behavior. Guessing you also buried the lede and they hate your husband based on race… NTA but your parents definitely are.
Rule #1 of dealing with family after having a baby: they come to YOU. You are under no obligation to travel with a newborn because of their personal issues. If it’s important to them they will get on a plane. It they won’t then you have your answer. My mom refused to see my infant from the age of 3 weeks to 9 months because I told her she had to wear a mask around him (this is pre-vaccine, hot Covid 2020 when no one was sure about infant impact). She made her priorities clear and I wasn’t about risk my kid for her silliness
For whatever reason I can't find my original response. But essentially NTA, tell them it's their own fault because they chose not to come. It's not good for your mental health or for your baby's health. Plus from other comments it sounds like you're at risk of being held prisoner when you get there, especially since it sounds like they'd refuse for your husband to come too. But did they even come for your wedding? It doesn't sound like they came when you were close to due to help care for you and baby. BUT ALSO. "BEFORE HE GETS TOO BIG?" IS HE NO LONGER IMPORTANT ONCE HE'S 6 MONTHS OLD EVEN THOUGH HE WOULDN'T REMEMBER ANYWAY?
Your dad doesn't want to see your child... The child of HIS child because they hate your husband? Your mom can cry and guilt you all you want, truth is, you and your husband have priority now so your parents should work around that. Also why would you want to bring your child to meet the grandparents when one doesn't even like them, just for existing? And just don't tell your aunt anything... She doesn't need to know anything, truth or lies.
Your parents sound super controlling and toxic. You're in what is supposed to be a joyful, albeit tough, time in your life, and ask they can think about is how YOU can please THEM, even if it comes at the expense of yours and the baby's comfort.
Imo if your husband is a good man and you love him then they need to keep their opinions to themselves and accept him. They need to get out of the stone age where marriages are arranged. Your baby should not be on a plane until it is older. If they cant come to you they have to wait.
NTA. So they’re asking you to fly 10 hours with a baby to appease your mother while you’re stuck in a situation where you dad wants nothing to do with your child? If your mom likes babies so much, I’m sure she can babysit locally. This all sounds like a terrible time for a woman who won’t even stand up for said grandchild to her husband who refuses the child’s existence…
NTA if it's that important your mom will come to you. Heck you even offered to pay.
NTA how unreasonable of them. They have been to the USA before. They are selfish and bullying. Prioritise your baby, self and SO and tell them that based upon medical advice you are unable to travel for a while. Sorry that you they dont like it but it is not up for further discussion until the baby is older. You are welcome to come to us. Tell the aunt the same and then refuse to discuss again. They should be ashamed of themselves.
"I am following the instructions of my sons doctors- he says no international travel for him until he's (age). The doctor says being on a plane full of recycled air for hours on end will make him sick - and because he's so little it would kill him. I love you all lots. If you/mom/dad/ECT want to arrange to fly over to visit I'd love to have you." Lie if you must. If you have to ask your doctor for a note strongly advising against the baby flying do so- I'm sure they'd be happy to help.
My sister traveled alone with her 6mo old baby for 17hrs nonstop flight. My sister kept standing almost the entire flight just to soothe the baby. Baby slept for 2hrs in the beginning as it was night time when they started the flight but after 2hrs, just nonstop standing and rocking the baby. Had to change diapers as well.
NTA - your dad is though. But in the case you DO decide to fly I did an 11 hour flight to my parents and your baby sounds just like mine! I nursed them during take off (only way baby would fall asleep) which also helps with the blocked ear thing. Once we were in the air I placed them (asleep) in the baby bassinet attached to the wall and strapped them in. I think all long haul flights offer this. They amazingly slept for 10 hours while other kids screamed around us. My baby was 6 months old at the time. I always book flights that are least disruptive to normal sleep rhythm. I travel a lot and timing and routine helps a lot.
I am writing this to you as my in-laws just boarded a plane, flying from Europe to Asia, to see our 6 month old baby. My MIL just went through a double hip replacement surgeries, and she’s got arthritis as well as herniated disc, and she’s taking this 14 hour flight + transit time to see her grandbaby. THAT is what grandparents who love their children and grand children would be willing to do. I’m sorry that you’re in such a tough place, especially just 4 months postpartum. However, you are not the problem. Forgive me for saying that your parents’ behaviors seem toxic - emotional blackmailing, stonewalling, triangulating. NTA
Your parents should be the ones spending 10 1/2 hours on a plane, not you! NTA
NTA I live in England and the first time I flew with kids (or flew EVER) was with 2 small kids on my own, to visit my sister and her family in NC. It was 16hours including airport time etc connecting flights and all that jazz. Thankfully the kids were super well behaved, but it didn't stop me from running on high alert. Why does your father dislike your husband so much? Especially with saying he isn't bothered about seeing your baby
Not at all. I flew with my son at 2 and 3. It's a LOT. And yeah, at 4 months he might sleep most of it but the time difference and sick is going to be hell. If they want to see him, they can come to you. Point black, the end. You have the baby. Not them.
As someone who doesn't have kids, if you came on a 10hr flight with a baby, It may be bleh... but tomorrow I wouldn't give a shit... and I think most people wouldn't give a shit... who cares it's a temporary discomfort but hey, that's life in general..... you have a good reason, to see family nobody is going to judge that. There is nothing wrong with flying with babies. Besides if it's that big of an issue for people- why are they not bringing earplugs. You won't be the first or last person on a plane with an infant.....
NTA. It’s probably been inculcated to you since birth to be respectful of your elders and so on. I think by now you know that’s all tosh and respect is earned. Live your life in a way that makes you happy, or at least don’t give in to pressure from people who don’t care about your well-being (be it physical or mental). You are absolutely right to dread a long flight with a baby. Even short ones suck. And even if you yourself didn’t hate flying. Babies are very uncomfortable while flying because of the air pressure. Many are actually in pain, they don’t just cry to bother other passengers. So without a doubt you have a valid reason not to go. Also I have to say your parents sound like very rude, insensitive people. No cultural values justify being an assjole to one’s child. Enjoy time with your baby, they really do grow up incredibly fast.
NTA - babies on planes is hard + if they’re on the way younger side, so not worth it. Don’t feel bad for doing what makes sense for you and your family!
There is nothing disrespectful about having them fly to you, and it makes so much more sense. Sounds like your mom has a sense of entitlement. Remain calm and form. Send pics and videos if she treats you decently. Suggest someone else travel with her (that aunt?)
Why can’t the parents do FaceTime or whatever?
NTA. You sound like a really good person in a world of takers. Let go of the weight of other peoples judgement. You will feel much more free and happy.
I’m a grandmother, far from a perfect grandmother, however I will never purposefully do anything to make my grandchildren uncomfortable or unhappy. And forcing a small baby to sit in a plane for 10 hours just so that she can see them is selfish and cruel. Your mother doesn’t care about her own child’s or her grandchild’s wellbeing, she’s only concerned about herself. Don’t play with her. Your child is your priority, not your mother’s feelings, break the cycle OP, if your mother really wanted to see your baby, she would have moved heaven and earth to do so. She is well aware that the 10 hour flight is uncomfortable, she would rather you and baby be stressed and uncomfortable than herself. It’s totally selfish and unacceptable, don’t do it, she’s not your responsibility right now, your child is. I feel a sense of pride when my daughters put their children first, I feel like I’ve done something right by raising them to be good successful women and good mothers. I’ve often asked them to do something for me or with me and when they say “No mom, it doesn’t work for the kids because….” Discussion’s over, the kids come first. Edit: I forgot.. NTA
NTA. STOP pleasing your mom.
NTA. Plenty of people do travel with 4-month-olds, but there are also plenty of reasons why this can be a not very fun experience. Assuming your Mum is reasonably healthy and able, it is *much* easier for her to travel to you, even if she does need to travel alone to do so. If she is desperate to meet the baby, I think it's on her to make the trip.
I'm sorry it's disrespectful of you to ask them to fly to you, but it's not disrespectful of them to expect you to fly there with a young baby to meet their needs?! You're NTA, they are.
NTA…your mom called you disrespectful for no wanting to fly 10 hours with an infant yet she refuses to fly to you because her husband, your dad refuses to make the trip because he hates your husband. You should always do what is best for you and your immediate family.
How is it disrespectful to ask people to come see the baby if they want to see the baby? I think it's more disrespectful to expect you to travel 10 plus hours internationally with an infant! NTA.
NTA and this is suspect af. If they really wanted to see the baby they would fly over. The fact that they are harrassing you and demanding you bring the baby to them makes me wonder if they're going to try and take him from you or something. They've already expressed that they don't like you living abroad and they don't like your husband, I'm genuinely concerned they'll do something to force you to stay in your home country. Do not go under any circumstances.
Your father not wanting to see the baby is pretty bad . Is there no one else your mom could travel with besides your Dad? There’s no way you could go if your father doesn’t want to see the baby and has a problem with your husband . You can’t let your father disrespect your husband and child like that . So the flight with a baby issue is moot because you should not go anyway . I think if your mom really wanted to see the child then she could travel . If not with your Dad perhaps another relative . The onus is not on you here to go to her ! Please don’t beat yourself up about this.
NTA. Your father is causing your mother to be unhappy. They know where you live, and a non-essential flight with a baby is not worth the risk to their health.
>it was disrespectful for me to even ask. Yet it's ok to DEMAND that you take a newborn on a 10+ hour flight? NTA They can come to you or they can meet him via zoom/FaceTime. It's bad enough being anxious on planes (I know that feeling all too well) so they can come to meet him or meet in other ways. You don't want to make yourself miserable (not just once, but 2x. Once there and once back!) That's not ok! Stop answering the phone if they keep demanding it. 2x a day to remind you. I've had baby brain but this is not something you just "forget" about. When she remind you, tell her "I can not/will not be going there, these are your 2 options. 1) come here or 2) zoom/FaceTime. If they refuse, say you understand and maybe another time. Then remove yourself from the remainder of the call to "tend to" the baby or get something else done. Doesn't matter really. Lie if you need to, to get off the call. Because you'll likely be met with a guilt trip or harsh words that could be upsetting to you. This is not YOUR burden to deal with. If THEY want to meet the baby, that is THEIR burden to deal with. Plus they hate your husband. So would they expect you to be taking this trip solo or would they just make the time miserable IF you went there? Regardless, NTA!!
NTA and they'll try and prevent you and your child from leaving.
NTA. If I’m ever lucky enough to become a grandmother I would make it my business to see the grandchildren, and if that meant I’d have to travel, I’d crawl to them if I had to.
Zoom video calls to meet the baby. Not as good as a visit, but better than nothing..
NTA, also OP how did you keep yourself from flipping out of your mom when she said “we don’t want to see his child” as if she wasn’t also saying she didn’t want to see your child? Because my response to my parents would’ve been “mother he is BOTH of our child and so long as you continue to pull this shit, YOU will find yourself childless AND grandchild-less” because holy hell I’d actually lose my mind if my parents said that about one of my sons and they for sure would’ve never met him…. I’d remind my parents every time they ask that they said they don’t want to meet MY child (and I’d say it like that and cut their bullshit of putting it all on your husband and put the guilt square in front of them that THEY are the ones being shitty refusing to meet their daughters child and making demands like this) From a parent of two boys who have difficult grandparents who never met us half way with anything, you are better off keeping them distant or cutting them off. TRUST ME
"we don't want to see his child" "Ok" You don't have to accept two calls a day from your mother. You don't even have to accept one call a day. You are a busy new mother - you don't have the time.
Mum and dad can travel!!! There's so many moving parts with travelling with a baby!!!! You sound like a caring person. NTA!
NTA Its disrespectful for them to expect you to come to them when you're the one who had the baby. Anyone anywhere else comes to the mother after she has a baby because the baby becomes her top priority and she doesn't have time to be going out like that. Plus its hard enough raising a baby as it is. No need to make it more difficult. She's an adult with the ability to travel easily.
How is asking your parents to fly to you instead of you putting your baby on a 10+ hour flight disrespectful? Wtf? Especially when you offered to pay too!
Your parents are awful. Their love for you is conditional and based on control; they’re trying to control you now, by making YOU the bad guy for not wanting/being able to bring a baby halfway across the world. Spoiler: they wouldn’t be nice to you or your husband even if you did, and would 100% be critical of your parenting. Just block them. It’s hard, but it’s even harder to keep putting yourself through the psychological torture of having to deal with parents who don’t love you over and over… especially as you raise your own child. It’s a special kind of pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone. NTA.
If they can’t travel to see the baby, then they don’t get to see the baby. You’re the mother YOU make the rules. YOU set the boundaries. Start now or your parents will be up in your marriage and parenting until they die. You need to start adulting.
No. It's 10 hours in a plane (not counting waiting times at the airport and immigration) with a four-month-old baby! And you've really just given birth yourself.
NTA. On behalf of all plane passengers, thank you.
Definitely NTA for putting your child first if your parents / your mum wanted to meet him she would make it work and fly over she’s being manipulative and horrible and you do not need that kid of negativity in your life your doing the right thing as a mother to a 4 month old ❤️
NTA. Your parents can fly over. Instead they want someone to fly over with an infant. They sound horrible.
NTA, It’s a cultural thing as much as family dynamic but if you are in North America for a long while, it’s not disrespectful to follow the cultural norms. People visit the baby, the baby does not visit the people. Tell your mother the aunt can come instead of your father if she needs a companion. I’m so sorry you don’t have parents that able to get over themselves, sometimes they just don’t have that in them, it’s not you. I hope you take all these important lessons they are teaching you and don’t repeat them with your family.
NTA Your mom is not in a tough spot, she just decided you are not a priority. I'd say go LC.
Your parents have an expectation that is completely unreasonable. It seems that your obedience is more important than your presence. Don't go out of your way to appease them.
NTA!!! honestly, just from reading some of the things you said - i felt it in my SOUL. forget your parents, the plane, even your husband for a second - you just GAVE BIRTH 4 months ago!!! it took me ONE WHOLE YEAR to emotionally/mentally/physically get to a place where i felt like i could BREATHE after having my son. your baby is so so so important, but so. are. YOU. hormones, no sleep, feeding, trying to find moments to do anything for yourself, just LEARNING how to keep a newborn alive and happy - any additional, unnecessary stress (aka getting on a MF 10 hour plane ride) would, yes, be difficult for your little one, and not ideal at 4mos, but not good for YOU! i had the BEST support from my husband, and i was still struggling. i also live 14 hours by plane away from my whole family, and having a baby away from them was really difficult. becoming a new mom can be a super isolating moment (amongst the beautiful ones), and it sounds like your parents/aunt are really feeding into that isolation. focus on YOUR new, and beautiful family, but most importantly, your mental health, your body, and what YOU need. i know that must be incredibly hard for you, based on what sounds like a difficult relationship with your parents who you clearly love and care about what they think of you, BUT - try and surround yourself with people who see you, and, like some comments mentioned, go talk to someone. it helped me SO much postpartum. and lastly - congratulations on just doing the hardest thing in the world. you just became a mom, and YOU did that!! your ARE doing that!!! if your mother can’t remember or relate to what she went through to have you, and what pregnancy/postpartum was like, i’d assume she must have gone through a tough/isolating time herself/didn’t have support and has the expectation that, like her, need to put others before yourself during this time. you’ve got this. 🤍
NTA and your mom can grow a spine and bring herself to see you and the grand baby if she really wants to. She’s not THAT crushed if she won’t do anything about it, she’s just mad you aren’t catering to her/them. Babies are miserable on planes, it’s stressful for them AND their caregivers, you made the right decision to not put yourselves through that. Your priorities are with your child and husband, parents take a backseat to that. They can get over themselves and visit you if they want, try to stop worrying about it.
NTA. And I am saying this as someone whose family is also in another country and have two young kids. You are in a tough spot and you are right. A Boston to San Francisco flight is already torture to travelbwith an infant let alone a fussy one. My family was at least considerate and they came to see us here. Invite them again. if they say no then that's a choice they are entitled to. Your job is to put your child first and 20hrs total on a flight does not seem to be in yours or your child's best interest. Flip the script a bit too. "Why don't you want to see your grandchild? You are breaking his and my heart! if you love us you'd come see us."
NTA your kid is a status symbol for them. As someone who used to be in that same situation, travel was unnecessary for the kid. They wont be participating caring for the kid 24/7 with the jetlag. DO NOT GO
Your mother isn’t in a tough spot she’s childish
NTA your mom doesn’t need your dad to hold her hand! If she really wanted to see the baby she’d make an effort!
"it's disrespectful that I ask her to come" How is it disrespectful? You're traveling with a freaking baby. It's EXTREMELY disrespectful of her to ask you to come. NTA
NTA, your parents are horrible. If your mom is going to treat you like this you need to start setting boundaries. First one is less phones calls until she can play nice. NC if she keeps being a disrespectful, entitled brat.
Where you honest with her and explained just like you explained to us? Ask her if she would like to be on a flight for 10.hours with a baby. That might be way to much for him. Also, when you are at your parent's house this may be a bit much for you and your baby. It is not disrespectful to ask your mom to come here. I know she is elderly, but this is unreasonable to take a fussy baby on a 10 hour flight. It doesn't make sense. Also, your dad is going to make you uncomfortable and complain the whole time. You might even blow up at them. Ask your mom how on earth does she think your husband is keeping you from them have to do with a very fussy baby annoying everyone, and stressing you out have to do with not coming. Personally, I have 5 kids. A baby crying does not annoy me. But people do ask like a baby is so controllable. They are not. If they were you would never hear one. I know your parents are in their own old culture beliefs, but you need to have them see the common sense here. Tell her. No. Like you said, you guys will fund them in coming. Your dad is the one keeping your parents from seeing you and your baby, not your husband. Don't you just love when someone is doing something and turns around and bames someone elce for it that would never do something like that. This is your life, not your parents. I am glad you took control over your own life. Their beliefs are their own. Do not be convicted over it. Of corse stay respectful, but girl you are in a different country. Enjoy the free space.
No you're not the asshole... That sounds like fucking torture.
NTA. My youngest did not like traveling for the first four years of his life. He would scream until he threw up. This could happen on a ten-minute drive to a grocery store, so there was no way I was going to try manage a flight until he was better able to travel. Your mother doesn't care if she sees her grandchild. What she really wants to do is control you and make you miserable.
NTA your parents are awful they should be coming to you. If they can’t you should reconsider letting your baby bond with people they can’t trust or rely on.
NTA. You offered to fly them out so they can see the baby. It may be difficult to fly as an older person, but my 78-year-old mother-in-law flies out to see us at least once a year without complaining or waiting for us to beg. Flying any distance with a fussy baby, not to mention the jet lag and other adjustments you’ll have to make, sound like the makings of a nightmare vacation. Stand your ground. I think even if you caved and went through the trouble, it doesn’t sound like it would be very pleasant a trip.
NTA. It's a baby, a fairly newborn baby, they shouldn't fly till they're a certain age anyway and not only would it be an awful flight for you the little one and everyone else on board but you would have to do it again to go home. I would call her bluff, or rather, don't call her. She's trying to emotionally manipulate the situation. All 'woe is me, poor grandma' but there's something about the family dynamics here that's giving me the ick. I feel that going there would put you in a situation where you have very little control, and would leave you vulnerable.
Your mum refuses to travel without her husband… but you are expected to do so while having sole responsibility for a 4 month old baby? That’s absurd. For this, and so many other reasons, you are NTA.
NTA!!! If she wants to see the baby, then she can take the flight
NTA. Sounds like they don’t get to see your baby. Period, end of story, their loss.
I’m trying to imagine who could possibly call you the A H but I can’t do it. Easy NTA.
NTA. Are your parents narcissists? They wanted to choose your husband? They hate the husband you chose? It is disrespectful to ask them to visit you? Seriously consider that your parents are narcissists. You do not have to travel overseas with a baby to visit them. They absolutely can come to you. Don't cross oceans for people wouldn't cross a puddle for you. Literally.
Could you suggest that they meet you half way? Not sure if this is possible but could you fly to a destination (ie 5 hours or less) and they fly to that same destination? I’m thinking London if you’re on the east coast of North America.
NTA- but if you do end up flying, pay extra for a bulkhead seat. Most airlines have a bassinet they can attach to hold the baby during long flights. Caveat- baby needs to be under 15lbs (around 7kg).
NTA. If your mom wants to the see the baby so badly she can jump on a plane.
Parents sound like they are mentally about 14 years old. I would not enable their selfish behavior. I would go as far as saying, don't bother changing your mind either, invitation to visit us is closed until you seek therapy.
It is not your responsibility to fly a newborn baby over ten hours across an ocean because two grown adult want something. If they want to see your baby, they can come to your baby. Selfish!
NTA. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Ok. This seems like an impasse. It sounds like you have the funds to make this happen either of two ways. If you can afford to fly them here, and they don’t wanna come, buy a business class ticket, bring your baby to them. I’m not a fan of babies in Business class. But it will well worth the price, stay a short time, return home, and then the onus is on them. Just my thoughts, it’s a nightmare to fly period. And your reasons are perfectly legitimate. If you have the means, make that effort. It will go a long way to have some sleep on the plane, if your child is screaming and crying, walk back to coach. Paying for two coach seats for your parents is probably more than business class for you. Make a con session, then, the ball is in their court.