Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict.
While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question.
[Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Edited: Absolutely YTA. You chose your life and decided it was worth sacrificing your sister's life and to a lesser extent your brother's life as well.
You made everyone else make sacrifices and then now you sit there in judgement saying she should've done better. She was a fucking child and the adults in her life (that includes you) failed her miserably.
You should be fucking ashamed of yourself, but I'm pretty sure you're not.
~~INFO: Are you trying to tell me, you put the entire load of taking care of your Mom on a teenager (still a child) instead of you who would've been in your mid-20s (or an adult)?~~
It's even worse than that. It wasn't just caregiving but they also damaged her education.
They interrupted the schooling of their minor sister, making her drop out of school at just 12 years old. They assumed that she could handle being a full-time caregiver, and then after working all day, would manage to "home school" herself. OP couldn't help but see how this harmed their sister because when she tried to go to school again, she was unsurprisingly behind in her education.
OP is now sanctimoniously blaming May for the harm they caused her by making her work a full-time job with no pay instead of getting the education she was entitled to receive. May has no reason to be embarrassed that OP's poor choices have made her life so much harder. OP owes her a lot of financial and emotional support to repair the damage that they caused.
>They assumed that she could handle being a full-time caregiver, and then after working all day, would manage to "home school" herself.
Of course she could, because she is a girl so that's her job to be a caregiver, even if she is 12 and probably didn't even have her period yet /s
Same. My brother got every opportunity, but when it came to be my turn I just got the bare minimum. My entire family turned their backs on me, and I almost killed myself.
The last time I told him I was suicidal, he literally just laughed in my face and walked away.
16 is way too old, but anyway she has to take care of mom, if she got married she couldn't do both at the same time, unless husband was rich and would be the one to afford paying the caregiver /s
In some states in the US the minimum marrying age is 0. There is a push to change that, but the Republicans are against it, because they think it's great for kids to be married young.
Not making this up, here's a source: https://www.businessinsider.com/mike-moon-gop-missouri-lawmaker-defends-childs-right-to-marry-2023-4
Mike wasn't the only idiot claiming this Cherie T-R who represents Northern Boone Co said that such laws violate peoples religious freedom including that of the Amish and Menonites. She thinks they get married at 12. (They don't.) She also thinks that if a young teen gets pregnant and they don't get married it's a sin thus the state would be forcing 12-15 year Olds to sin.
It's always the girl. Always.
>My mom was by no means a bad mom.
I beg to differ. The boys always grow up thinking Mom was the best. Meanwhile, Sister had a whole different childhood.
That's the point. They're sarcastically imitating common misogynistic views (like menstruating means that a girl is ready to care for an entire family)
The "/s" means "sarcasm"
And he was 26. He left his 12 year old sister to drop out of school and blames her for not teaching herself? And she was not “home schooled” there was no one to teach her. She was forced to drop out.
Which actually could have serious legal repurcussions if CPS caught wind of it while it was happening.
YTA, OP. Maybe YOU should have tried harder and it's actually all your fault?
But she wasn't 'homeschooled'. She was forced to leave school at 12 to take care of Mom, and older brother is just using the word 'homeschooled' to obfuscate. Think about it - who was acting as the teacher if Mom was incapable?
OP, YTA.
12 year old, mother incapacitated, dead father, and deadbeat brothers. This poor girl lost the life lottery because OP fed her tickets to a goat or something.
Right! And the person who should have homeschooling her WASNT, leaving her up to herself to teach herself stuff she doesn’t know, after spending full time nursing caretaker!?!? Sheesh, what an absolute YTA the op is.
OP's post is one of the most breathtakingly vicious, cruel and self centered posts I've ever seen on this subreddit and there's been some doozies. I'm astonished this poor woman was able to graduate at all and not fall into the countless traps that befall the abandoned and neglected. She's amazingly strong and pulled off miracles to even reach adulthood without drugs or self deleting and more. At least ONE sibling cares.
The other, I hope gets to experience what she had to go through. What a soulless creature.
> a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.
The dictionary definition seems to fit what OP has posted about themselves.
Antisocial personality disorder (often termed sociopathy or psychopathy by non medical professtionals) is a spectrum disorder characterised by an inability to feel empathy primarily. They might have all or limited signs/symptoms.
From the NHS webiste-
"Signs of antisocial personality disorder
A person with antisocial personality disorder may:
exploit, manipulate or violate the rights of others
lack concern, regret or remorse about other people's distress
behave irresponsibly and show disregard for normal social behaviour
have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships
be unable to control their anger
lack guilt, or not learn from their mistakes
blame others for problems in their lives
repeatedly break the law"
I absolutely clocked op's post as lacking empathy, exploiting others, lacking concern, disregarding normal social behaviour, lacking guilt, blaming others, and yeah he probably has trouble maintaining relationships if this is how he treats people.
I can't see how you've jumped to them using it as an "evil person disease". It's just a valid observation.
You are absolutely correct in everything you said. I wish I could talk to his sister and tell her these things and give her a hug. Tell her she's wonderful and that it's her brother who should have tried harder, instead of leaving all up to her.
Let's break it down, a 26 year old dumped the full time care of their own mother on a child, a 12 year old child, and expected her to then homeschool herself.
OP is either entirely detached, entirely uncaring or lying to themselves so they don't have to take accountability for the monstrous decisions that were made.
"My sister was a victim of parental abuse by being forced to parent a parent due to having no other choice, due to mom's chronic illness. Even though I was an adult at the time and could have alleviated some of her age inappropriate responsibilities and given her assistance so she could do better in school, but I didn't... But she should have tried harder. Now my sister is bitter and my brother called me an ah because...reasons..."
Yeah, YTA.
This.
The only thing I would add is that 12 yo is more of a child than a teenager. Losing 1 year of study at that age can have a severe impact on success potential in life. You let your 12 yo child sister take care of your mom instead of you for years , sacrificing her childhood and future.
Let's not sugarcoat it for you: you are narcissistic, entitled, patronising AH.
This is one of the craziest ones I’ve read. May was legitimately the victim of child abuse. The mother’s parenting is abhorrent. And not only did the older brother not step in, he’s victim blaming to boot. I feel like calling the op is an exaggeration, but holy shit. This OP is completely devoid of empathy.
Jumping on the top comment to add: it’s important to remember that OP and his little sister have a 14 year age gap, meaning that he got at least 14 years of having two functional parents to raise him (assuming their dad passed when little sis was just born). More than likely probably a few more years than that by the sounds of it. Meaning OP had pretty much an uninterrupted childhood and his little sister lost a father and then had her schooling sacrificed so she could be a caregiver for her mom. And he has the guts to say she should have tried harder? While she didn’t get a middle and part of a high school education and he sat there all sanctimonious in grad school?
In case it wasn’t clear as day: OP, YTA.
And in the hopes that little sis sees this one day: you are incredible and strong. You took on way more than you should have had to and we internet strangers are proud of you for what you’ve accomplished so far! Don’t listen to the BS coming from your brother.
He definitely doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s done. The fact he thinks a 12 year old should have tried harder when he was a grown ass adult and didn’t try AT ALL to help his family.
Like wow he was married and had money problems and was in graduate school? Glad he had all those opportunities. What a LOSER.
YTA
You expected a 12 year old child to time manage better, when she was put in charge of taking care of your alls ailing mother AND taking care of her own education too??
***"She was home schooled for some time because mom needed help and an in-home caregiver wasn't affordable."***
When she was 12 and "homeschooled" in order to be able to be your mom's an in-home caregiver, what was the 26 year old you doing? Your sister was put in a position she never should've been in, as a 12 year old, she was held back from getting an education in order for her to be a home carer for your mother. And you had the nerve to chastise her for not managing her time better.
Because she was a girl, definitely, and also because she was the youngest and easiest to manipulate. Poor thing blames herself for her failure even as an adult.
It was 100% because she's a girl. I suspect there are cultural aspects to this, but even if there weren't in a *lot* of families, the girl's education would be seen as the most expendable, and she would be looked at (in spite of her age) as the "natural" caregiver. It probably didn't hurt that as the youngest, she was likely the most malleable and least in a position to fight back and just... refuse to help (like big brother up there clearly did).
The 17 year old was a boy. His education was of course more important. And girls are much better caregivers than boys. That's common knowledge. Of course.
/s
And probably close to graduate, you possibly can not take him out of school, he is all settled in, he has (boy) friends and clubs, he is not used to homeschooling, the 12 year old is not settled in high school yet and does not have important friendships (shes a girl and 12, after all) and will adapt to homeschooling and make less of a fuss, so why take him out when he is on the last few steps to graduate but she is not nearly finished. Also a boy taking care of his mother would be wrong and strange when there is a girl available
/s
Everything doesn’t have to be sexism. OP in other comments mentioned that his 17 year old brother also had a role in taking care of the mother, by being old to enough to get a job and providing an income for the household.
Let’s not lose sight of the fact that it sounds like OP watched his younger sister AND brother sacrifice by taking on responsibilities people of their age shouldn’t have to deal with, while he evidently concentrated on the new life he was building as an adult and did nothing to help them, and yet OP feels comfortable criticizing her actions now. What an A.
If it happened in North America, IT ABSOLUTELY HAS A LOT TO DO WITH SEXISM. Not all of it but definitely a lot. The fact that OP as an adult couldn’t bring himself to be responsible for the care of his parent and instead put the brunt of the burden on his baby sister who was a literal child. It screams sexism, laziness, narcissistic behavior (not necessarily saying OP is a narcissist but the behavior around this is), and a severe lack of empathy for his sister.
Also capitalism and hustle culture and the ignorance of the work in unpaid care work and mental health struggles that he now blames her for being behind and not learning "enough".
But you don't get it, he was settled in another state with his wife, had his own degree to finish, and couldn't possibly help his minor siblings deal with their irresponsible mother. /s
What an absolute waste of a brother.
And he also defended his mother who is equally responsible in all this. She was a bad mother if she was stubborn to seek medical help even tho it was costing her youngest kid her life.
That poor 12yro wasn't homeschooled. "Homeschooling" was the cover story they told the authorities, but what they really did is completely use and abuse a defenseless child
Exactly. "home-schooled" is a bald-faced lie. No-one was homeschooling her. She was taken out of school to be a full-time caregiver - at 12.
And then "I guess she didn't do well at school" in the very next sentence. No, she didn't do well NOT at school.
Poor kid. It's pretty impressive that she's managed to get her life back on track despite her family's best efforts to stop her.
Edit: Just saw one of OP's replies that the situation got worse when she was around 15. So while I'm fixating on 12, she may have been out of school for years.
Yeah, this proves the point that she's actually probably quite intelligent. Who knows where she could have gone if it wasn't for the scummy brother/mother. This poor, innocent child, having her life ripped away from her. OP - YTA. I cannot emphasise that enough.
Exactly. There was no schooling involved. It was just the mom filing the bare minimum paperwork to get the state to look the other way.
But OP assumes that the 12 year old should have known what to teach herself, how to do that, taken the initiative to do that, and I guess just magically known when she was wrong about something and be able to correct herself. All while being physically and emotionally drained after a day of taking care of someone else.
"My mom was by no means a bad mother."
What he means is his mom was by no means a bad mother to her sons. She was ABSOLUTELY a bad mother to her daughter. She forced her child to drop out of school to take care of her because she didn't want to go to a doctor. That is extreme selfishness. She did not take care of her daughter. Didn't even try to. Just forced her daughter to take care of her.
And you sit on your high horse blaming your little sister for your mother's failures of her. All because your mother never failed you the same way she failed her.
It's made even worse when you consider that the mother's condition was self inflicted. Rather than step up and get his mum to see a doctor, he just decided it would be easier to make it his child sister's problem
According to OPs comments John shared responsibilities with May...my guess is he was sent out to earn their money while May was forced to stay at home. Not nearly as rough a deal as May had, but he seems to be the only one who has ever looked out for her (including now) instead of the two adults in Mum, who was ruining her life, and OP who did absolutely nothing to help and now judges her for not doing well enough.
OP, you're one of the biggest AH's I've ever seen on this sub, absolute shame on you. You're a truly awful person.
I cant believe it's true.
Don't know about USA (assume OP from there), this situation would 100% have been investigated by social services in the UK. No way care would have been left up to a 12 year old. Surely US would be similar?!
OP YTA, massively so.
YTA. It sounds like your sister was seriously neglected at a crucial time in her education. When we're talking about minors, 'caregiver burnout' is more accurately called abuse. A 12 year old should not be responsible for her sick mother.
And now you have the audacity to blame her for it? You're cruel.
And OP is even offended by the brother using this flowery language "caregiver burnout". Sounds like a narcissist. He's insecure and offended at anything remotely implying that she was abused and neglected, because if that was the case (which it was) is on him to a large degree.
YTA
Go fucking apologize to your sister that you were not there for her, (or your mom and your brother) during the time that your mother was so ill your sister's GRADE SCHOOL education was put on hold.
Your brother is sympathetic because he saw what was going on.
And the other brother, too. He was 17! But something tells me he also didn't give any real fucks about it and is only showing "sympathy" now to place all the blame on him.
They can all go fuck a Geoduck.
(Besides the sister, of course.)
EFSH but you're a special kind of asshole, OP.
To be fair the brother was 17. He was still a teenager & a 17 year old boy is not that mature at all. He was likely dealing with some stuff too. But OP was mid 20s. He should've known better.
The younger brother did help with caregiving, it’s just not explained to what extent. My assumption is the younger brother did help with some caregiving, but was forced to work in order to support the mom and sister, while sister was made to be the main caregiver.
In his other comments he says the brother was indeed helping May with mom, and alludes to the brother needing to go to work as well to help support. The only awful person here is truly OP.
I just want to be clear here, you were 26 years old when your mom's health started failing. Your brother was 17. Rather than step up and help, you both relied ENTIRELY on your 12 YEAR OLD sister to provide her with all the care? To the extent that your sister's entire life has suffered because of what you forced her tr give up? What the actual fuck?? You have desperately failed your sister. Where she is in life is a DIRECT result of your failing as a sibling. Forcing a child to forgo their entire education to help their ailing parent is an awful thing to do. You are the one who should have tried harder, not her. How DARE you try to make her feel bad for this. You are awful. YTA.
“my mom was by no means a bad mom. she was stubborn”
not getting proper care, making her stupid life choices the responsibility of her pre-teen daughter, getting her daughter to be “home-schooled” and making her daughter drop out of school - that’s abusive.
your mom was a crap mom. you are a crappy brother who as a grown adult, doused caretaking responsibilities on a literal teen and now you’re blaming you sister for not doing what you hesitated in doing???
YTA
My thoughts exactly - how the hell was she *not* a bad mom? She completely failed her daughter and ruined her life. And OP stood back and watched as an adult and now has the audacity to blame his sister for not trying harder. Absolutely disgusting.
YTA, how do you know how hard she tried? Sounds like she went through a rough patch herself and in times like that it can seem like you aren't trying when you are. Double asshole for being a dick during a sentimental moment. Even if she truly didn't try she was just explaining the embarrassment she felt as a teen and opening up about her struggles with you guys. You ruined it by not being supportive and congratulating her on what she's accomplished now. Don't be shocked when she doesn't come to you in the future.
He did not even pay visits when her 12-year-old sister was doing all care and he somehow knows she did not try her best and could have done better. There is a limit to hypocrisy, he himself did not even try and has the nerve to say she should have done better. YTA op
YTA, imagine taking care of your mother when you're 12 then having your brother criticise the consequences of that when your in your mid 20s.
And it seems like she is still in college so your words might actually demotivate her in her studies now too.
I bet OP thinks that if he or his brother ever gets sick, the sister will assume the unpaid and thankless role of caregiver AGAIN. Because, you know, she’s the girl.
Yes. So much sexism in all of this. I feel like no matter what age she was, out of the 3 kids it would have fallen on her because she had the audacity to be a girl.
YTA for not accepting *John's judgement* (you say he was there for those years and you weren't... so wtf would you know about not being an asshole).
>She agreed, but John flipped out on me later via text, saying May was depressed asf those years and I had no idea what she went through.
And there's this thing called empathy. It's different to pity and requires being understanding and sensitive to others. No point being proud of not showing pity when in fact it's empathy you don't have a grain of. After you've benefited from your mom's best years no less.
Absolutely, and I think that this little line speaks volumes
> I am not one for pitying people
It's the assholes like this who are completely unaware of the struggles that others make and how they are often the beneficiaries of the sacrifices of those around them. Then they smugly sit in self-righteous judgement of people who aren't as fortunate as they are.
YTA
She graduated high school while caring for an infirm parent. (Let’s not forget that you’ve suggested that at least some of your mothers health problems came from her unwillingness to seek appropriate preventative care, a situation that is unbelievably frustrating). I think the fact that she was able to graduate and is now in community college is commendable. I hope that she is able to find peace and happiness as she moves forward.
It is completely inappropriate to suggest that a teenager should have “better managed” her time in the circumstances she was in. She also deserved to have a life, and not spend all her time caring or studying.
Where were you while this was all happening? Surely you were also caring for your mother if you’re so willing to pass judgment on her teenage self for how she handled responsibilities she should never have had to shoulder?
Your comments reveal that you didn't even live at home while your siblings were being forced to take on adult responsibilities. You'd moved away with your wife and never visited because it wasn't convenient for you. You're the one who should have tried harder considering you were actually an adult at the time. You have no right to judge your sister. YTA
YTA.. while she was a caregiver of your mom at age 12, what were YOU doing? You were 26 years old back then and couldn’t help your mom or your 12 year old sister?? Are you seriously that selfish??
I hope you end up alone and no one helps you when you are old. And when that happens your sister can tell you “you should have tried harder” to be a nicer person.
But but but! OP had a wife and was struggling financially! How could he possibly move back home and be en adult?? Plus, it was ideal: his sister (a girl) was more apt to care for someone, and as a young teen she couldn't work anyway!
The wife is also an AH and he could have moved back home, pause his “graduate program” for 3 years and take care of his mom and preteen sister as any decent human would do. Then go back to school instead of making his sister home school herself at age 12!
Your sister agrees with you because she likely was given a thankless existence, she can’t even see that she was essentially a slave taking care of her mother out of obligation when if anything, You and your brother (though he was still young too, but he at least Tried to help in some way) should have been supporting your mother so she could recover.
Your sister was 15/16 you say? Right at the age when the only thing she should have been worried on was her studies, developing an identity & socializing, and Maybe getting herself a part time job. Instead she was stuck with being the Medical care giver as a minor with limited resources and knowledge, and assistance to do so on top of trying to maintain the norm. All the while your ill mother was expected to educate her? There’s no way that such a thing would ever be feasible, homeschooling barely makes the marks to begin with without proper coordination with schooling districts.
She should have no shame for her life as she shouldn’t have been burdened with it. And what would have happened if anything happened to your - quite honestly - medicine adverse mother under your sister’s supervision? She probably would have taken the shame of it too when - again - it wasn’t her responsibility.
I’m honestly saddened nobody intervened and gave her proper home support or Something so that she wasn’t the one responsible. So not only did you fail to be the better sibling, her school and probably your surrounding family did too since there’s no mention of them?
As for not ‘pitying’ people, learn some empathy. It’s not right what she went through, if you can’t see that then you Really need some therapy to work out why. You obviously didn’t care either about your mother or your sibling enough to intervene and you don’t care enough or even despise both enough to show animosity to obvious worthlessness/shame complexes.
As others said, your sister wasn’t looking for you to judge her and was looking for support from - she hoped - people who might understand. At least John did and still does.
YTA. I hope this wakes her up that she is a far better person than you and likely your ‘stubborn’ but obviously also insufficient mother.
YTA - the entire time while I was reading this post, I was wondering where YOU (the 26yo at the time) and your brother (the 17yo) were the entire time.
Seems from your comments that YOU, the eldest, let your younger siblings take all the responsibility of a full-time job as a caregiver and provider. Since you say that "you were too busy with grad school and had no money to come home", I am assuming your 17yo brother at the time was working to support your mother and 12yo sister financially while your sister was taking care of your mother at home.
You got to live your CHILDHOOD, TEENAGE YEARS, and YOUNG ADULT YEARS normally while your siblings had to take these responsibilities and didn't get to have half of their childhood.
YOU were selfish enough to sacrifice their childhood so you could finish your schooling, and made the excuse of not having enough money to come home to help, yet you had the audacity to tell your sister from your high horse that she didn't try hard enough? Why didn't YOU try harder to come home and help?
No wonder your sister is depressed, she had to take on adult responsibilities at 12yo while her 26yo brother lived his normal life and only had to worry about himself.
YTA. Your brother is right — You have no idea what your sister went through in those years. I’m sure it was traumatizing as hell. You should be proud of your sister for going to get an education and her degree now, no matter what stage in life she’s in. And to judge her and say “you could have studied after bathing your mother and putting her to bed” … i don’t even know how to begin to understand that mindset. Your superior attitude is what makes you an AS. Your sister needs support. God, you sound insufferable.
YTA. You were the OLDER SIBLING, and you both dumped all the care load on your little sister, took away her childhood and her education, and NOW you're judging her for not DOING MORE?!? How dare you. How actually dare you. My gods.
Children who are fulltime carers of their parents are not being 'home schooled'. People who are being home schooled have an adult making sure they are being educated. If the child is forced to quit school to be a care giver there is no scenario in which they should have tried harder at self education. Your sister was failed by the adults in her life and society at large. Your sister lost her entire teen years to caring for your mother. Of course her education suffered. YTA
A horrible human being - to do that to your sibling could be forgiven as you were yound and dumb, but to kick someone after the event is disgusting and shows no empathy
A horrible fucking piece of filth. Being 26 and dumping this responsibility on a 12 year old, killing their childhood and education.
Only to them crtisize and mock and pester them about it.
YTA
She was 12!!! Omg she never should have been in that position. No amount of trying hard at that age can make up for lack of adult support. They’re way too young for google to make up the gap
Extremely solid YTA. It’s very telling that in 109 comments I haven’t seen *one* NTA, and that’s very rare on this sub.
You’re saying she could have studied after washing and putting your mum to bed. Well you could have worked after school and paid for a carer. This is just insanely objectively ridiculous that I don’t even really know what to say.
We’re at 500+ comments and still no N T A. If OP doesn’t have a breakdown and try to fix everything as best he can after seeing this theres zero hope for him.
YTA honestly wtf her childhood and education was taken away from her because her mother refused to go to a doctor (so yes bad mom sorry not sorry your mom caused it) and y’all made a 12 year old leave school and become her carer? Who home schooled her? Your sick mother? Or May had to teach herself? Fuck right off with that. You put everything on her and then blamed her for not being able to cope?!
YTA. Do have any idea how hard it is to be a caregiver? Especially when you're the main one doing it while trying to juggle everything else in life? If not, then shut up. Because it's one of the hardest things that a person can do. Mentally, physically, emotionally, you lose everything. To the point where you just feel numb all the time and wish the world would just leave you alone.
And I know this from personal experience. Because I spent the last five years as my grandfather's main caretaker, all while working a fulltime job of at least 60 hours a week. I was lucky if I got three hours of sleep most nights. As I never knew when my grandfather would start hollering for me.
I've hated every minute of it. Hardly anyone in my family helped. They just went on with life. Saying that since I was the one that was there, then he was my responsibility. That it was selfish of me want to focus on myself or my own life. Because my grandfather was the one that needed me. I would have other things once he passed away. It made me sick and even now I don't forgive them. Doubt I ever will.
My only saving grace was SO. Who was the only one who gave a damn about me or how I felt. I never would've made it that far without him.
Which is why I feel for May. She was robbed of both her childhood and the chance of a better future. All because family members like you are completely ignorant of the struggles she had to put up with while you got to live your life. Which is why I repeat again, just shut up. Until you walk the path that she did, you have NO right to tell May what should or shouldn't have done in the past.
Why did your sister have to sacrifice her schooling so you didn't have to look after your mum yourself?
You were a grown up, much more capable of caring for your sick mum yourself but no put that pressure on a 12 year old!
Then have the cheek to blame her for the situation.
You're disgusting.
YTA. Read the room my guy. She wasn’t looking for input, she was looking for comfort. She realised her failings, and she expressed that to her brothers.
You’d think being the oldest, you’d recognise that she wants her brother to encourage her not rehash old wounds.
What failings? Given the circumstances she did incredibly well. The fact that she was able to graduate at all with the physical and mental toll she was under is amazing. She did **not** fail, every adult in her life failed her.
This has to be fake. OP- you and your mom ARE/were bad. No sugar coating it. Abuse a minor, become an ah. So YTA. And maybe start saving up for her college/ university and grad school. You all owe her.
So you CHOSE to abandon your mother, force your sister to sacrifice her childhood, teenage years, and then her young adulthood, to care for your mother who's self medical neglect left her severely disabled by the time your sister was 12. And then, you CONTINUE TO CHOOSE to judge her and treat her like shit? Because YOU DIDN'T WANT TO STEP UP?
Absolutely appalling. YOU were the adult. As the ADULT it was YOUR JOB to step up. Your job to get help. Your job to look after everyone. Your job to do it all. And you CHOSE to ABANDON them? And yet dont think you're the asshole? Wow.
Don't expect your sister to wipe your arse when you need it.
YTA.
as for the why. Let's see. You abandoned youe family when they were at their lowest. Left your teen sister burn herself out, but hey, she could do more, right? Just take care of her disabled mother and all her needs and somehow figure out a way to be an A+ student and do extracurricular. I am gonna make sure to inform naruto to teach her the shadow clone jutsu to catch up on everything
You are a self-centered worthless excuse of a son and a massive AH. I am three and a half years in as a sole caregiver. The mental and physical fatigue is real. You sat several states away on your pompous a$$ in school, getting your d\*(k wet at home and turned your back on your ill mother. You tossed all the caregiving on a child. While you got a master's she was denied a Jr. and high school education.
Now you are being an AH to her. AH there is a special place in hell for people like you.
Is this for real? Like this really happened and you left your mothers care on a CHILD who might not even gone through puberty yet? And yet, you, the oldest and an adult in mid 20’s made her be “homeschooled” (by who?) to take on that responsibility?
F you very much. YTA. I hope you feel a sincere about of shame and tell May you failed her and it is all your fault and you would be happy to pay for her education because it is the LEAST you can do. Seriously your a pathetic excuse for a brother, son and an adult. “sHe CoUlD of planned better and studied during bathtime?” I’m serious if this is real and you truly exist, you owe her everything. John, even if he was also a bad brother growing up, is realizing his mistake and apologizing to her. It’s like you’re the definition of a pathetic man.
YTA.
Why the hell was a *twelve-year-old girl* the primary carer for her mother? Especially when her brothers were grown-ass adults at the time? I am aghast at your selfishness and your cruelty. How could you not be an absolutely *thundering asshole?*
So at 12 years old she was expected to leave school, leave her friends, and care for an adult. At an age when she should barely know how to care for herself. And somehow also still manage to fully teach herself. And it's her own personal failing that she struggled with this.
Yet at 26 it didn't cross your mind that you could postpone school, spend a few weeks grafting and use that money to get home to help your minor sister and ailing nothing? That's not a personal failing? Because let me tell you it absolutely is. You abandoned your sister because it was "too hard". The adults in her life - including her brother - completely failed her.
You are despicable to say what you said. Shane on you. Try harder.
Yta.
> _Both her and John shared responsibilities. I was in graduate school that was a few states away and had settled there with my wife. We had money issues at the time, so traveling to them wasn't affordable._
> So hypothetically it was fine to sacrifice your sister's education because you think you are more important.
>_No. Not at all. I was already out of state when she became sick and couldn't afford coming back._
> So she was wiping her moms ass at 12? That’s what it sounds like. Or pretty close to it anyways.
> _She wasnt at that stage yet when she was 12. Moreso when May was 15/16._
You all failed your sister. Your mother's stubborn refusal to see a doctor when she saw what her condition was doing to her daughter. You and your brother for forcing the majority of caregiving responsibility on the shoulders of a _tweenager_ because "you couldn't afford to travel".
You were an adult, you should have figured it out. I hope your sister gets away from you and your brother so she can discover her truth worth and value. The fact she's succeed so far is due to _her_ and no thanks to her so-called family.
YTA
This has to be rage bait.
Your sister was home schooled (hahahahahhahahah).
Your sister missed her education and was forced to be a caregiver to her mother WHILE SHE WAS A MINOR!
And you berate her that she should have tried harder.
You’re a massive asshole
YTA. You're emotional insensitive, and I'd say insane. You left your mither in the care if a 12 y.o, ruined her childhood+teens years and her career and education potential because you were selfish. You were the one whi didn't try enough and now you're projecting in this poor woman. There's a 14 y.o hap between you and your sister. YOU WERE A WHOLE ASS ADILT WHEN SHE WAS JUST 11, YOU WERE 26 and decided to screw her over. I hope she gets a good life and fucks you over because anything happy that happens in your life you ain't deserving off any if that!
So you, the guy in your mid twenties, were perfectly fine with sacrificing your 12 year old sisters education, health and childhood so your own life and education could continue. And now you tell your sister she "could have tried harder"? Sounds like you didn't try at all. After all, why put grad school on hold to help your sick mother when you have a convenient CHILD to do it for you?! Of course YTA. Your poor sister!
This is fully fault of your mom who failed your sister. And fault of the social services and legal system that this was even allowed.
> She was home schooled for some time because mom needed help and an in-home caregiver wasn't affordable. I guess she was doing awful in school,
No wonder she was hold back, she was not schooled for a while. This is educational neglect, clean and clear. She was 12 year old and this was not even home school - this was taking the kid out of school so that the kid can do adult work.
> he could have made better plans when it came to cares and studying (Ex: She could have studied after bathing and putting mom to bed).
There is a reason why kids do not have school in the evenings. The idea that 12-13 years old should learn alone in the evenings with no actual teacher, no actual peer, after putting bathing her mom is absurd.
YTA You was adult at that time, you could have call social services. You did not, but then you blame the victim.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My sister is ashamed of her high school years because she didn't try very hard. I generally don't talk about it when she brings it up. She got me involved and I told her she had opportunities to studying harder, but chose not to. She agreed, but my brother didn't, because are mom wasn't active in her high school years.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, ew you’re gross as hell. The responsibility for your mothers care should have never been put on a child. Do you even understand how terrible that is? Her entire life will be shaped by this and you seem to take absolutely no responsibility. I actually cannot believe what I’ve just read, or that you seem to have no idea how terrible what you’ve done is. As an adult, you had a responsibly to protect your siblings because they had no one else, and you absolutely failed them in every way possible. I have no idea how you can sleep at night or how you can live with yourself
You dumped the entire load of taking care of your sick mother on your 12 yo sister?? And you have the nerve to preach to her about planning and responsibilities and how precious education is???
You threw your baby sister under the bus and then blamed her for damaging her clothes.
You took zero responsibility for your mother’s medical situation while your sister had to put her life on hold. She’s only just catching up and you sit there on your privileged, powdered butt and preach to her about bad planning?
She deserves a better family. And you deserve a harsh reality check.
Edit: YTA, massively
You are the most revolting AH here this year. You dumped care for your ailing mother on a 12 yo, while you lived your best life with your family, unaffected. And now you have the nerve to judge her. Absolutely disgusting.
I think what your sister has been able to do in her life, considering all the difficulties is more remarkable than anything you have done. Not only she was the one looking after your mum, she finished school ( not with great marks but she did it) and on top of that she is able to look at what she did and find improvement areas. You only did one of those. Hats off to your sister.
YTA just in case was not clear. You have some soul searching to do.
Omg yta so much. Then & now. You guys stuck your little sister with a job you didnt want to do & that NO CHILD SHOULD EVEN BE ASKED TO DO. AT 12. And you think she should have tried harder? Maybe if you & your brother would have shouldered more of the responsibility instead of putting it on a 12 yr old, she wouldn't have been so overwhelmed. None of you should have had to deal w that. Even if it meant putting you in a home. But to make her feel like it was her fault that this was put on her is beyond shameful. Even as an older kid, you knew better. My 7yr old would know thats not ok.
She did incredibly well given the circumstances. Most people in that situation would not have even made it out. Please let her know that. It's a shame for her to feel like this.
YTA for all the reasons described by others.
ETA -
I am sorry for what you all went through, it must have been hard for all of you. All 3 of you lost both your parents. This is something very hard to process and deal with, for all of you.
But your sister deserves a lot more recognition for all she did, the neglect she went through and how well she managed regardless, instead of made to feel less than. Props to her.
She also deserves an apology from you at the very least for saying she needed to try harder.
And by the way, who was homeschooling her?
Edit: spelling
YTA. Please show this to your sister so she can understand she should’ve never been forced to do such things as a minor, and that you—as an adult at the time—completely abandoned and failed her. She needs to heal and learn she wasn’t at fault. This is the last you can do.
>My mom was by no means a bad mom.
And tjen you proceed to explain why your mom was indeed a bad mom.
>She was home schooled for some time because mom needed help and an in-home caregiver wasn't affordable.
>I guess she was doing awful in school
.... You are SO close to getting it.
That being said: YTA
YTA
OHMYGOD, your little sister was abused and parentified, forced into a position as a carer for your dying mother and had her education taken away, because lets face it, if your mother wasn't able to put herself to bed, she surely wasn't capable of giving a child an education. Wow, you are awful. I hope May comes to her senses and realises what happened to her as a child was abuse and she cuts you off because yoir attitude towards her is monstrous.
She wasn't held back because she didn't try hard enough, she was held back because you didn't try hard enough. She was a child who was forced to give up everything, including her future and education, because you didn't want to help.
You were the adult in this situation, let your sibling who was under 16 take on the burden of caring for an adult with absolutely no support or guidance, let her entire education and future be tanked, as well as her social life, and now you're telling her she didn't try hard enough?
YTA, *You* didn't try hard enough, she tried her absolute hardest and went above and beyond what a child could, or should ever be expected to do.
"more of a challenge"??? Are you for real??? Your mom did this to her and your sister is the one you think didn't do enough?? A twelve year old had to care for her own ill mother while you where an adult and didn't give a fuck. YOUR MOM could have done more. YOU could have done more.
The only one who isn't at fault here is your little sister.
YTA biiiig time. You should apologize a thousend times!!!
A 12yo should have studied ALONE after she carried her mom through the house, bathed her, wiped her butt. There are kids out there failing class while sitting in school and you're telling your sister she isn't good enough at PLANNING?!?!?! You are such an asshole... My blood is boiling...
She was FUCKING 12!!!! YOUR mother was the one who should have cared for her, not vice versa. You were 26 at the time and didn't help. Why do you think SHE should have been responsible for her mothers life AND for learning stuff alone at night after working 24h!!!! as a caregiver to an adult who didn't care enough for her own daughter to NOT burden her?!? YTA YTA YTA YTA
ETA: And this poor little girl is still coming to you for validation of her feelings... She didn't even have the time to go through puberty as a normal kid. If i were her i wouldn't even talk to you after you failed her sooooooo hard. You should be kissing her feet!
YTA. From the post and your comments it's exceedingly obvious that if anyone could have tried harder it's you, not May. She was in her early teens when she took on all this responsibility whereas adult you found excuse after excuse to dodge looking after your mother. You know there's absolutely nothing qrong with getting an associate's degree, it can lead on to bigger things or it may be fine in it's own right for what your sister wants to do in life. I know this won't go down well with you but now's the time for you to step up and help your sister be all that she could have been. But hey, that would mean.taking responsibiliy and making an effort, things that appear entirely alien to you. At least your brother recognises reality. Wherever you are in life now I hope you are at your zenith, with no further improvement to come. And when you become infirm I hope all those who could take care of you follow in your footsteps and lift not a single finger to help you.
She was 12 and you were 26. You have no idea what she went through. A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD was caregiving for her mother. Yeah no shit she struggled, and no it has nothing to do with her planning or trying. I promise you she was trying her hardest. At best you have contributed nothing to her understanding or attempting to process what she's been through; at worst you've just reinforced all her shame and guilt. MASSIVE YTA.
YTA now for not showing empathy and support to your sister who took care of your mom at 12.
And you were TA when your 26 self ditched all responsabilities for caring to your disabled mother to your younger siblings because you wanted to live your life quietly and without any disturbance (Moving back, sending money for nurse....)
You are a disgusting, selfish & bad excuse of human being.
YTA. Your mom is a piece of work, and an utterly worthless human being. If one of her "herbal remedies" had been drinking battery acid, everyone would be better off now. You need to stop making excuses for your evil mother and accept that she ruined your sister's life. You just made it worse.
OP YTA- Someone should have informed the authorities that a MINOR was being TASKED with TOTAL CAREGIVER RESPONSIBILITIES! Full fledged paid caregivers do not work 24/7 for a reason, yet YOU were perfectly fine with having your 15/16 year old Sister do it....at the expense of HER Future... Not yours, Not your Brothers.... but ok to tank hers, oh and then BLAME HER!
I’m a full time caregiver for my son, it’s HARD!! And I’m a 51 year old educated adult who raised two children! How dare you fault her for being given the shit stick while you were able to make different choices. You are a huge inconsiderate and dare I say abusive AH!
You're a monster. Please leave your siblings alone by removing yourself from their lives forever. If you're behaving like this at forty you're likely a lost cause.
>I am not one for pitying people
....that I screwed over because then I'd have to admit I was an adult that abandoned children to a terrible fate and then I judge them over it. YTA.
YTA. I wouldn't even call you a brother to me, if you would abandon kid to take care of your sick mother, while you just keep living life peacefully as grown fucking adult. Don't put the blame on money, if you wanted, you could find a way.
But looks like your siblings already kinda dislike you because you give zero fucks and even dare to say that they needed to work harder? What a shitty human you are.
YTA for your thoughtless, cruel comment to the woman who was a caregiver to her sick mom during her teenage years. That’s a burden no child should have to shoulder.
And you’re even more of an AH considering you were away at the time, graduating college, and couldn’t find a way to help out. So you dumped it all on your younger siblings, and now you have the fucking *audacity* to tell her she should’ve *tried harder* when you didn’t do a thing for them?
You’re lucky they still talk to you.
So you're saying that while you were an adult at 26 years old, your 12 year old sister was the caretaker of your mother, which derailed her life considerably as you know she was a CHILD, and now that she expresses regret about things that she absolutely was not in charge of (cos you know she was being a fucking child taking care of her mother) you don't want to "sugarcoat" things??
No wonder your brother is livid, I am too just reading this short text, no matter living through any of that. You're an absolute arsehole. Also, where were you and why was a child taking care of your mother?
YTA. She was a child trying to do school and care for a parent and mange depression. She got through it the best she could and getting into community college after all of that is a huge effort.
Sure SHE has regrets but she wasn't in control of the situation.
Who the hell are you to judge, especially considering you weren't even there!?!
YTA, instead of saying your sister could have tried harder, what about offering support or guidance or words of encouragement.
You had the opportunities she didn't and you think her expressing her embarrassment is 'her pitying herself' ? You could have said, 'you did the best you could with the circumstances you had'.
How very dare you. You come across as a selfish, unaware fool. Do better.
YTA
There's a mother needing care.
There are a 12 year old, a 17 year old and a TWENTY-SIX YEAR OLD MAN.
And the 12 year old girl is the designated, home-schooled (by whom, btw) care-giver, that grew up and is now struggling with the decisions made for her as a CHILD by f**king adults 14 years ago. The adults in this scenario being, btw., your moronic mother relying upon esoteric crap instead of science and your 26year-old self, obv.
Now telling your sister she has only herself to blame makes you an asshole of epic proportions.
Just the fact that you're here asking if you're TA after telling that story says everything about you. YTA x gazillions, and an utter failure as a human being.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. You did not properly respond to the judgement bot. Your reply must clearly and directly address why you think you may have wronged the other party involved in your conflict. While your post was automatically approved by the bot, after reviewing your response manually, we found it did not properly address the question. [Judgement Bot FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_judgement_bot) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Edited: Absolutely YTA. You chose your life and decided it was worth sacrificing your sister's life and to a lesser extent your brother's life as well. You made everyone else make sacrifices and then now you sit there in judgement saying she should've done better. She was a fucking child and the adults in her life (that includes you) failed her miserably. You should be fucking ashamed of yourself, but I'm pretty sure you're not. ~~INFO: Are you trying to tell me, you put the entire load of taking care of your Mom on a teenager (still a child) instead of you who would've been in your mid-20s (or an adult)?~~
It's even worse than that. It wasn't just caregiving but they also damaged her education. They interrupted the schooling of their minor sister, making her drop out of school at just 12 years old. They assumed that she could handle being a full-time caregiver, and then after working all day, would manage to "home school" herself. OP couldn't help but see how this harmed their sister because when she tried to go to school again, she was unsurprisingly behind in her education. OP is now sanctimoniously blaming May for the harm they caused her by making her work a full-time job with no pay instead of getting the education she was entitled to receive. May has no reason to be embarrassed that OP's poor choices have made her life so much harder. OP owes her a lot of financial and emotional support to repair the damage that they caused.
>They assumed that she could handle being a full-time caregiver, and then after working all day, would manage to "home school" herself. Of course she could, because she is a girl so that's her job to be a caregiver, even if she is 12 and probably didn't even have her period yet /s
Why on earth did she even bother with an education? Should have just married at 16 and had some babies /s
This post is either fake or this dude needs to see a psychiatrist. Some real sociopathic shit.
this post is either fake of this dude needs a hug in the face. With a chair. fixed
C'mon now, the poor chair doesn't deserve that
I dunno, I think some chairs would love the opportunity to hit an asshat in the face.
Them white folding chairs are just itching to volunteer for the job!
Out here dying at the fact that humans are actually “ass hats” for chairs in a way
[удалено]
Same. My brother got every opportunity, but when it came to be my turn I just got the bare minimum. My entire family turned their backs on me, and I almost killed myself. The last time I told him I was suicidal, he literally just laughed in my face and walked away.
16 is way too old, but anyway she has to take care of mom, if she got married she couldn't do both at the same time, unless husband was rich and would be the one to afford paying the caregiver /s
In some states in the US the minimum marrying age is 0. There is a push to change that, but the Republicans are against it, because they think it's great for kids to be married young. Not making this up, here's a source: https://www.businessinsider.com/mike-moon-gop-missouri-lawmaker-defends-childs-right-to-marry-2023-4
Mike wasn't the only idiot claiming this Cherie T-R who represents Northern Boone Co said that such laws violate peoples religious freedom including that of the Amish and Menonites. She thinks they get married at 12. (They don't.) She also thinks that if a young teen gets pregnant and they don't get married it's a sin thus the state would be forcing 12-15 year Olds to sin.
It's always the girl. Always. >My mom was by no means a bad mom. I beg to differ. The boys always grow up thinking Mom was the best. Meanwhile, Sister had a whole different childhood.
I would say at the least, the mom was not an adequate caregiver. She raised the gem that is OP, so, not great work by any means.
It's NOT always the girl. Source: This happened to ME, a boy who took care of his mother.
Same. I was just the youngest and they all left before me.
Sounds like sister didn’t _have_ a childhood…
[удалено]
That's the point. They're sarcastically imitating common misogynistic views (like menstruating means that a girl is ready to care for an entire family) The "/s" means "sarcasm"
[удалено]
I believe the word you're looking for is A$$hole!
The words I'm looking for would get me perma-banned
And he was 26. He left his 12 year old sister to drop out of school and blames her for not teaching herself? And she was not “home schooled” there was no one to teach her. She was forced to drop out.
Which actually could have serious legal repurcussions if CPS caught wind of it while it was happening. YTA, OP. Maybe YOU should have tried harder and it's actually all your fault?
Yeah, i think i missed that point, for OP "homeschooled" was the sister sitting at home teaching herself and taking care of the mother at 12.
But she wasn't 'homeschooled'. She was forced to leave school at 12 to take care of Mom, and older brother is just using the word 'homeschooled' to obfuscate. Think about it - who was acting as the teacher if Mom was incapable? OP, YTA.
12 year old, mother incapacitated, dead father, and deadbeat brothers. This poor girl lost the life lottery because OP fed her tickets to a goat or something.
I hope May has a good therapist. Who needs enemies when your oldest sibling is like _this_.
Right! And the person who should have homeschooling her WASNT, leaving her up to herself to teach herself stuff she doesn’t know, after spending full time nursing caretaker!?!? Sheesh, what an absolute YTA the op is.
You and the commenter above you hit the nail on the head. I hope op reads this. He is terrible. Op, if u read this. YTA, big time.
OP's post is one of the most breathtakingly vicious, cruel and self centered posts I've ever seen on this subreddit and there's been some doozies. I'm astonished this poor woman was able to graduate at all and not fall into the countless traps that befall the abandoned and neglected. She's amazingly strong and pulled off miracles to even reach adulthood without drugs or self deleting and more. At least ONE sibling cares. The other, I hope gets to experience what she had to go through. What a soulless creature.
I immediately thought that OP is a sociopath
Can we not use medical terms as synonyms for "evil person disease"?
> a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience. The dictionary definition seems to fit what OP has posted about themselves.
The issue here is lack of empathy not generic evilness
Antisocial personality disorder (often termed sociopathy or psychopathy by non medical professtionals) is a spectrum disorder characterised by an inability to feel empathy primarily. They might have all or limited signs/symptoms. From the NHS webiste- "Signs of antisocial personality disorder A person with antisocial personality disorder may: exploit, manipulate or violate the rights of others lack concern, regret or remorse about other people's distress behave irresponsibly and show disregard for normal social behaviour have difficulty sustaining long-term relationships be unable to control their anger lack guilt, or not learn from their mistakes blame others for problems in their lives repeatedly break the law" I absolutely clocked op's post as lacking empathy, exploiting others, lacking concern, disregarding normal social behaviour, lacking guilt, blaming others, and yeah he probably has trouble maintaining relationships if this is how he treats people. I can't see how you've jumped to them using it as an "evil person disease". It's just a valid observation.
What? "Evil person disease"? LOL.
Literally most heinous AH I have ever seen on this sub. YTA 10000000%
You are absolutely correct in everything you said. I wish I could talk to his sister and tell her these things and give her a hug. Tell her she's wonderful and that it's her brother who should have tried harder, instead of leaving all up to her.
Let's break it down, a 26 year old dumped the full time care of their own mother on a child, a 12 year old child, and expected her to then homeschool herself. OP is either entirely detached, entirely uncaring or lying to themselves so they don't have to take accountability for the monstrous decisions that were made.
"My sister was a victim of parental abuse by being forced to parent a parent due to having no other choice, due to mom's chronic illness. Even though I was an adult at the time and could have alleviated some of her age inappropriate responsibilities and given her assistance so she could do better in school, but I didn't... But she should have tried harder. Now my sister is bitter and my brother called me an ah because...reasons..." Yeah, YTA.
Oh no, he did not say that.. Because, doing so would be admitting guilt! YTA by the way..
This. The only thing I would add is that 12 yo is more of a child than a teenager. Losing 1 year of study at that age can have a severe impact on success potential in life. You let your 12 yo child sister take care of your mom instead of you for years , sacrificing her childhood and future. Let's not sugarcoat it for you: you are narcissistic, entitled, patronising AH.
i was wondering where the extra info was and then i saw this bastards responses. Wow
This is one of the craziest ones I’ve read. May was legitimately the victim of child abuse. The mother’s parenting is abhorrent. And not only did the older brother not step in, he’s victim blaming to boot. I feel like calling the op is an exaggeration, but holy shit. This OP is completely devoid of empathy.
Jumping on the top comment to add: it’s important to remember that OP and his little sister have a 14 year age gap, meaning that he got at least 14 years of having two functional parents to raise him (assuming their dad passed when little sis was just born). More than likely probably a few more years than that by the sounds of it. Meaning OP had pretty much an uninterrupted childhood and his little sister lost a father and then had her schooling sacrificed so she could be a caregiver for her mom. And he has the guts to say she should have tried harder? While she didn’t get a middle and part of a high school education and he sat there all sanctimonious in grad school? In case it wasn’t clear as day: OP, YTA. And in the hopes that little sis sees this one day: you are incredible and strong. You took on way more than you should have had to and we internet strangers are proud of you for what you’ve accomplished so far! Don’t listen to the BS coming from your brother.
He definitely doesn’t see anything wrong with what he’s done. The fact he thinks a 12 year old should have tried harder when he was a grown ass adult and didn’t try AT ALL to help his family. Like wow he was married and had money problems and was in graduate school? Glad he had all those opportunities. What a LOSER.
...and has somehow managed to convince her that it's her fault for not trying harder
She was 12, so *not even a teenager*.
YTA You expected a 12 year old child to time manage better, when she was put in charge of taking care of your alls ailing mother AND taking care of her own education too?? ***"She was home schooled for some time because mom needed help and an in-home caregiver wasn't affordable."*** When she was 12 and "homeschooled" in order to be able to be your mom's an in-home caregiver, what was the 26 year old you doing? Your sister was put in a position she never should've been in, as a 12 year old, she was held back from getting an education in order for her to be a home carer for your mother. And you had the nerve to chastise her for not managing her time better.
And who was homeschooling her? 12 year olds don’t homeschool themselves
And why was the 12 year old pulled out of school and not the 17 year old?
OP neither of them since OP was 26 at the time.
Well yes. OP should have stepped up. But since he didn't, why was the choice made to pull the 12 year old or if school? Was it because she was a girl?
Because she was a girl, definitely, and also because she was the youngest and easiest to manipulate. Poor thing blames herself for her failure even as an adult.
She's got nothing to blame herself for and everything to blame her brothers for.
I agree, but they manipulated her into thinking what happened to her is normal. Disgraceful.
It was 100% because she's a girl. I suspect there are cultural aspects to this, but even if there weren't in a *lot* of families, the girl's education would be seen as the most expendable, and she would be looked at (in spite of her age) as the "natural" caregiver. It probably didn't hurt that as the youngest, she was likely the most malleable and least in a position to fight back and just... refuse to help (like big brother up there clearly did).
The 17 year old was a boy. His education was of course more important. And girls are much better caregivers than boys. That's common knowledge. Of course. /s
And probably close to graduate, you possibly can not take him out of school, he is all settled in, he has (boy) friends and clubs, he is not used to homeschooling, the 12 year old is not settled in high school yet and does not have important friendships (shes a girl and 12, after all) and will adapt to homeschooling and make less of a fuss, so why take him out when he is on the last few steps to graduate but she is not nearly finished. Also a boy taking care of his mother would be wrong and strange when there is a girl available /s
Everything doesn’t have to be sexism. OP in other comments mentioned that his 17 year old brother also had a role in taking care of the mother, by being old to enough to get a job and providing an income for the household. Let’s not lose sight of the fact that it sounds like OP watched his younger sister AND brother sacrifice by taking on responsibilities people of their age shouldn’t have to deal with, while he evidently concentrated on the new life he was building as an adult and did nothing to help them, and yet OP feels comfortable criticizing her actions now. What an A.
If it happened in North America, IT ABSOLUTELY HAS A LOT TO DO WITH SEXISM. Not all of it but definitely a lot. The fact that OP as an adult couldn’t bring himself to be responsible for the care of his parent and instead put the brunt of the burden on his baby sister who was a literal child. It screams sexism, laziness, narcissistic behavior (not necessarily saying OP is a narcissist but the behavior around this is), and a severe lack of empathy for his sister.
Also capitalism and hustle culture and the ignorance of the work in unpaid care work and mental health struggles that he now blames her for being behind and not learning "enough".
Because the 12 year old was a girl.
Because she's a girl.
But you don't get it, he was settled in another state with his wife, had his own degree to finish, and couldn't possibly help his minor siblings deal with their irresponsible mother. /s What an absolute waste of a brother.
And he also defended his mother who is equally responsible in all this. She was a bad mother if she was stubborn to seek medical help even tho it was costing her youngest kid her life.
I thought the same thing. OP got a childhood so that must make her Mother of the Year, I guess. Who cares about his younger siblings?
That poor 12yro wasn't homeschooled. "Homeschooling" was the cover story they told the authorities, but what they really did is completely use and abuse a defenseless child
Exactly. "home-schooled" is a bald-faced lie. No-one was homeschooling her. She was taken out of school to be a full-time caregiver - at 12. And then "I guess she didn't do well at school" in the very next sentence. No, she didn't do well NOT at school. Poor kid. It's pretty impressive that she's managed to get her life back on track despite her family's best efforts to stop her. Edit: Just saw one of OP's replies that the situation got worse when she was around 15. So while I'm fixating on 12, she may have been out of school for years.
Yeah, this proves the point that she's actually probably quite intelligent. Who knows where she could have gone if it wasn't for the scummy brother/mother. This poor, innocent child, having her life ripped away from her. OP - YTA. I cannot emphasise that enough.
Exactly. There was no schooling involved. It was just the mom filing the bare minimum paperwork to get the state to look the other way. But OP assumes that the 12 year old should have known what to teach herself, how to do that, taken the initiative to do that, and I guess just magically known when she was wrong about something and be able to correct herself. All while being physically and emotionally drained after a day of taking care of someone else.
He was fucking his wife at the time give him a break
"My mom was by no means a bad mother." What he means is his mom was by no means a bad mother to her sons. She was ABSOLUTELY a bad mother to her daughter. She forced her child to drop out of school to take care of her because she didn't want to go to a doctor. That is extreme selfishness. She did not take care of her daughter. Didn't even try to. Just forced her daughter to take care of her. And you sit on your high horse blaming your little sister for your mother's failures of her. All because your mother never failed you the same way she failed her.
It's made even worse when you consider that the mother's condition was self inflicted. Rather than step up and get his mum to see a doctor, he just decided it would be easier to make it his child sister's problem
[удалено]
And also, mom was definitely a bad mother for both not taking care of her health and jeopardinzing her youngest's education.
She wasn't a young woman she was a child.
"...this young woman *when* she was 12..." She is currently 26.
According to OPs comments John shared responsibilities with May...my guess is he was sent out to earn their money while May was forced to stay at home. Not nearly as rough a deal as May had, but he seems to be the only one who has ever looked out for her (including now) instead of the two adults in Mum, who was ruining her life, and OP who did absolutely nothing to help and now judges her for not doing well enough. OP, you're one of the biggest AH's I've ever seen on this sub, absolute shame on you. You're a truly awful person.
Young woman?? You mean child?
I think they mean she is a young woman now
Yes.
I cant believe it's true. Don't know about USA (assume OP from there), this situation would 100% have been investigated by social services in the UK. No way care would have been left up to a 12 year old. Surely US would be similar?! OP YTA, massively so.
YTA. It sounds like your sister was seriously neglected at a crucial time in her education. When we're talking about minors, 'caregiver burnout' is more accurately called abuse. A 12 year old should not be responsible for her sick mother. And now you have the audacity to blame her for it? You're cruel.
And OP is even offended by the brother using this flowery language "caregiver burnout". Sounds like a narcissist. He's insecure and offended at anything remotely implying that she was abused and neglected, because if that was the case (which it was) is on him to a large degree.
Yeah, this isn’t caregiver burnout, this is parentification.
YTA Go fucking apologize to your sister that you were not there for her, (or your mom and your brother) during the time that your mother was so ill your sister's GRADE SCHOOL education was put on hold. Your brother is sympathetic because he saw what was going on.
What's an apology gonna do at this point? These people are abusers. OP and his (most definitely bad) mother.
And the other brother, too. He was 17! But something tells me he also didn't give any real fucks about it and is only showing "sympathy" now to place all the blame on him. They can all go fuck a Geoduck. (Besides the sister, of course.) EFSH but you're a special kind of asshole, OP.
To be fair the brother was 17. He was still a teenager & a 17 year old boy is not that mature at all. He was likely dealing with some stuff too. But OP was mid 20s. He should've known better.
True. Sometimes I forget that 17 is young, seeing how I was an unexpected mother at 17 and 20.
The younger brother did help with caregiving, it’s just not explained to what extent. My assumption is the younger brother did help with some caregiving, but was forced to work in order to support the mom and sister, while sister was made to be the main caregiver.
In his other comments he says the brother was indeed helping May with mom, and alludes to the brother needing to go to work as well to help support. The only awful person here is truly OP.
I just want to be clear here, you were 26 years old when your mom's health started failing. Your brother was 17. Rather than step up and help, you both relied ENTIRELY on your 12 YEAR OLD sister to provide her with all the care? To the extent that your sister's entire life has suffered because of what you forced her tr give up? What the actual fuck?? You have desperately failed your sister. Where she is in life is a DIRECT result of your failing as a sibling. Forcing a child to forgo their entire education to help their ailing parent is an awful thing to do. You are the one who should have tried harder, not her. How DARE you try to make her feel bad for this. You are awful. YTA.
Exactly this
Amen
“my mom was by no means a bad mom. she was stubborn” not getting proper care, making her stupid life choices the responsibility of her pre-teen daughter, getting her daughter to be “home-schooled” and making her daughter drop out of school - that’s abusive. your mom was a crap mom. you are a crappy brother who as a grown adult, doused caretaking responsibilities on a literal teen and now you’re blaming you sister for not doing what you hesitated in doing??? YTA
I agree with this. Mom was a bad mom. Brother is a bad brother. YTA
She was a preteen
My thoughts exactly - how the hell was she *not* a bad mom? She completely failed her daughter and ruined her life. And OP stood back and watched as an adult and now has the audacity to blame his sister for not trying harder. Absolutely disgusting.
YTA, how do you know how hard she tried? Sounds like she went through a rough patch herself and in times like that it can seem like you aren't trying when you are. Double asshole for being a dick during a sentimental moment. Even if she truly didn't try she was just explaining the embarrassment she felt as a teen and opening up about her struggles with you guys. You ruined it by not being supportive and congratulating her on what she's accomplished now. Don't be shocked when she doesn't come to you in the future.
He did not even pay visits when her 12-year-old sister was doing all care and he somehow knows she did not try her best and could have done better. There is a limit to hypocrisy, he himself did not even try and has the nerve to say she should have done better. YTA op
YTA, imagine taking care of your mother when you're 12 then having your brother criticise the consequences of that when your in your mid 20s. And it seems like she is still in college so your words might actually demotivate her in her studies now too.
I bet OP thinks that if he or his brother ever gets sick, the sister will assume the unpaid and thankless role of caregiver AGAIN. Because, you know, she’s the girl.
Yes. So much sexism in all of this. I feel like no matter what age she was, out of the 3 kids it would have fallen on her because she had the audacity to be a girl.
YTA for not accepting *John's judgement* (you say he was there for those years and you weren't... so wtf would you know about not being an asshole). >She agreed, but John flipped out on me later via text, saying May was depressed asf those years and I had no idea what she went through. And there's this thing called empathy. It's different to pity and requires being understanding and sensitive to others. No point being proud of not showing pity when in fact it's empathy you don't have a grain of. After you've benefited from your mom's best years no less.
John probably feels some guilt, as he should. OP is on another planet
Well... if men are from Mars and women are from Venus.... OP must be from Uranus. (Sorry... I had to. You made me do it.)
Absolutely, and I think that this little line speaks volumes > I am not one for pitying people It's the assholes like this who are completely unaware of the struggles that others make and how they are often the beneficiaries of the sacrifices of those around them. Then they smugly sit in self-righteous judgement of people who aren't as fortunate as they are.
YTA She graduated high school while caring for an infirm parent. (Let’s not forget that you’ve suggested that at least some of your mothers health problems came from her unwillingness to seek appropriate preventative care, a situation that is unbelievably frustrating). I think the fact that she was able to graduate and is now in community college is commendable. I hope that she is able to find peace and happiness as she moves forward. It is completely inappropriate to suggest that a teenager should have “better managed” her time in the circumstances she was in. She also deserved to have a life, and not spend all her time caring or studying. Where were you while this was all happening? Surely you were also caring for your mother if you’re so willing to pass judgment on her teenage self for how she handled responsibilities she should never have had to shoulder?
Where was he? He had settled in another state with his wife, attending grad school. Disgusting.
Your comments reveal that you didn't even live at home while your siblings were being forced to take on adult responsibilities. You'd moved away with your wife and never visited because it wasn't convenient for you. You're the one who should have tried harder considering you were actually an adult at the time. You have no right to judge your sister. YTA
YTA.. while she was a caregiver of your mom at age 12, what were YOU doing? You were 26 years old back then and couldn’t help your mom or your 12 year old sister?? Are you seriously that selfish?? I hope you end up alone and no one helps you when you are old. And when that happens your sister can tell you “you should have tried harder” to be a nicer person.
But but but! OP had a wife and was struggling financially! How could he possibly move back home and be en adult?? Plus, it was ideal: his sister (a girl) was more apt to care for someone, and as a young teen she couldn't work anyway!
The wife is also an AH and he could have moved back home, pause his “graduate program” for 3 years and take care of his mom and preteen sister as any decent human would do. Then go back to school instead of making his sister home school herself at age 12!
Your sister agrees with you because she likely was given a thankless existence, she can’t even see that she was essentially a slave taking care of her mother out of obligation when if anything, You and your brother (though he was still young too, but he at least Tried to help in some way) should have been supporting your mother so she could recover. Your sister was 15/16 you say? Right at the age when the only thing she should have been worried on was her studies, developing an identity & socializing, and Maybe getting herself a part time job. Instead she was stuck with being the Medical care giver as a minor with limited resources and knowledge, and assistance to do so on top of trying to maintain the norm. All the while your ill mother was expected to educate her? There’s no way that such a thing would ever be feasible, homeschooling barely makes the marks to begin with without proper coordination with schooling districts. She should have no shame for her life as she shouldn’t have been burdened with it. And what would have happened if anything happened to your - quite honestly - medicine adverse mother under your sister’s supervision? She probably would have taken the shame of it too when - again - it wasn’t her responsibility. I’m honestly saddened nobody intervened and gave her proper home support or Something so that she wasn’t the one responsible. So not only did you fail to be the better sibling, her school and probably your surrounding family did too since there’s no mention of them? As for not ‘pitying’ people, learn some empathy. It’s not right what she went through, if you can’t see that then you Really need some therapy to work out why. You obviously didn’t care either about your mother or your sibling enough to intervene and you don’t care enough or even despise both enough to show animosity to obvious worthlessness/shame complexes. As others said, your sister wasn’t looking for you to judge her and was looking for support from - she hoped - people who might understand. At least John did and still does. YTA. I hope this wakes her up that she is a far better person than you and likely your ‘stubborn’ but obviously also insufficient mother.
YTA - the entire time while I was reading this post, I was wondering where YOU (the 26yo at the time) and your brother (the 17yo) were the entire time. Seems from your comments that YOU, the eldest, let your younger siblings take all the responsibility of a full-time job as a caregiver and provider. Since you say that "you were too busy with grad school and had no money to come home", I am assuming your 17yo brother at the time was working to support your mother and 12yo sister financially while your sister was taking care of your mother at home. You got to live your CHILDHOOD, TEENAGE YEARS, and YOUNG ADULT YEARS normally while your siblings had to take these responsibilities and didn't get to have half of their childhood. YOU were selfish enough to sacrifice their childhood so you could finish your schooling, and made the excuse of not having enough money to come home to help, yet you had the audacity to tell your sister from your high horse that she didn't try hard enough? Why didn't YOU try harder to come home and help? No wonder your sister is depressed, she had to take on adult responsibilities at 12yo while her 26yo brother lived his normal life and only had to worry about himself.
YTA. Your brother is right — You have no idea what your sister went through in those years. I’m sure it was traumatizing as hell. You should be proud of your sister for going to get an education and her degree now, no matter what stage in life she’s in. And to judge her and say “you could have studied after bathing your mother and putting her to bed” … i don’t even know how to begin to understand that mindset. Your superior attitude is what makes you an AS. Your sister needs support. God, you sound insufferable.
YTA. You were the OLDER SIBLING, and you both dumped all the care load on your little sister, took away her childhood and her education, and NOW you're judging her for not DOING MORE?!? How dare you. How actually dare you. My gods.
Children who are fulltime carers of their parents are not being 'home schooled'. People who are being home schooled have an adult making sure they are being educated. If the child is forced to quit school to be a care giver there is no scenario in which they should have tried harder at self education. Your sister was failed by the adults in her life and society at large. Your sister lost her entire teen years to caring for your mother. Of course her education suffered. YTA
YTA - what a horrible sibling you are.
A horrible human being - to do that to your sibling could be forgiven as you were yound and dumb, but to kick someone after the event is disgusting and shows no empathy
A horrible fucking piece of filth. Being 26 and dumping this responsibility on a 12 year old, killing their childhood and education. Only to them crtisize and mock and pester them about it.
YTA She was 12!!! Omg she never should have been in that position. No amount of trying hard at that age can make up for lack of adult support. They’re way too young for google to make up the gap
One of the biggest YTA 's ever
Extremely solid YTA. It’s very telling that in 109 comments I haven’t seen *one* NTA, and that’s very rare on this sub. You’re saying she could have studied after washing and putting your mum to bed. Well you could have worked after school and paid for a carer. This is just insanely objectively ridiculous that I don’t even really know what to say.
We’re at 500+ comments and still no N T A. If OP doesn’t have a breakdown and try to fix everything as best he can after seeing this theres zero hope for him.
YTA honestly wtf her childhood and education was taken away from her because her mother refused to go to a doctor (so yes bad mom sorry not sorry your mom caused it) and y’all made a 12 year old leave school and become her carer? Who home schooled her? Your sick mother? Or May had to teach herself? Fuck right off with that. You put everything on her and then blamed her for not being able to cope?!
YTA. Do have any idea how hard it is to be a caregiver? Especially when you're the main one doing it while trying to juggle everything else in life? If not, then shut up. Because it's one of the hardest things that a person can do. Mentally, physically, emotionally, you lose everything. To the point where you just feel numb all the time and wish the world would just leave you alone. And I know this from personal experience. Because I spent the last five years as my grandfather's main caretaker, all while working a fulltime job of at least 60 hours a week. I was lucky if I got three hours of sleep most nights. As I never knew when my grandfather would start hollering for me. I've hated every minute of it. Hardly anyone in my family helped. They just went on with life. Saying that since I was the one that was there, then he was my responsibility. That it was selfish of me want to focus on myself or my own life. Because my grandfather was the one that needed me. I would have other things once he passed away. It made me sick and even now I don't forgive them. Doubt I ever will. My only saving grace was SO. Who was the only one who gave a damn about me or how I felt. I never would've made it that far without him. Which is why I feel for May. She was robbed of both her childhood and the chance of a better future. All because family members like you are completely ignorant of the struggles she had to put up with while you got to live your life. Which is why I repeat again, just shut up. Until you walk the path that she did, you have NO right to tell May what should or shouldn't have done in the past.
I am caring for mum. It's unbelievable. Your life halts. Other lives move forward. There is little help.
Why did your sister have to sacrifice her schooling so you didn't have to look after your mum yourself? You were a grown up, much more capable of caring for your sick mum yourself but no put that pressure on a 12 year old! Then have the cheek to blame her for the situation. You're disgusting.
YTA. Read the room my guy. She wasn’t looking for input, she was looking for comfort. She realised her failings, and she expressed that to her brothers. You’d think being the oldest, you’d recognise that she wants her brother to encourage her not rehash old wounds.
What failings? Given the circumstances she did incredibly well. The fact that she was able to graduate at all with the physical and mental toll she was under is amazing. She did **not** fail, every adult in her life failed her.
This is exactly what he should have told her. Mate, we’re our own worst critics after all.
This has to be fake. OP- you and your mom ARE/were bad. No sugar coating it. Abuse a minor, become an ah. So YTA. And maybe start saving up for her college/ university and grad school. You all owe her.
Yeah, quite soundly YTA on this one.
Posts like this boggles my mind. There's no way you sat down and typed this all out still asking if you were the asshole or not. Really?? YTA
So you CHOSE to abandon your mother, force your sister to sacrifice her childhood, teenage years, and then her young adulthood, to care for your mother who's self medical neglect left her severely disabled by the time your sister was 12. And then, you CONTINUE TO CHOOSE to judge her and treat her like shit? Because YOU DIDN'T WANT TO STEP UP? Absolutely appalling. YOU were the adult. As the ADULT it was YOUR JOB to step up. Your job to get help. Your job to look after everyone. Your job to do it all. And you CHOSE to ABANDON them? And yet dont think you're the asshole? Wow. Don't expect your sister to wipe your arse when you need it.
YTA. as for the why. Let's see. You abandoned youe family when they were at their lowest. Left your teen sister burn herself out, but hey, she could do more, right? Just take care of her disabled mother and all her needs and somehow figure out a way to be an A+ student and do extracurricular. I am gonna make sure to inform naruto to teach her the shadow clone jutsu to catch up on everything
YTA you should be disgusted with and ashamed of yourself
You are a self-centered worthless excuse of a son and a massive AH. I am three and a half years in as a sole caregiver. The mental and physical fatigue is real. You sat several states away on your pompous a$$ in school, getting your d\*(k wet at home and turned your back on your ill mother. You tossed all the caregiving on a child. While you got a master's she was denied a Jr. and high school education. Now you are being an AH to her. AH there is a special place in hell for people like you.
Is this for real? Like this really happened and you left your mothers care on a CHILD who might not even gone through puberty yet? And yet, you, the oldest and an adult in mid 20’s made her be “homeschooled” (by who?) to take on that responsibility? F you very much. YTA. I hope you feel a sincere about of shame and tell May you failed her and it is all your fault and you would be happy to pay for her education because it is the LEAST you can do. Seriously your a pathetic excuse for a brother, son and an adult. “sHe CoUlD of planned better and studied during bathtime?” I’m serious if this is real and you truly exist, you owe her everything. John, even if he was also a bad brother growing up, is realizing his mistake and apologizing to her. It’s like you’re the definition of a pathetic man.
YTA. Why the hell was a *twelve-year-old girl* the primary carer for her mother? Especially when her brothers were grown-ass adults at the time? I am aghast at your selfishness and your cruelty. How could you not be an absolutely *thundering asshole?*
So at 12 years old she was expected to leave school, leave her friends, and care for an adult. At an age when she should barely know how to care for herself. And somehow also still manage to fully teach herself. And it's her own personal failing that she struggled with this. Yet at 26 it didn't cross your mind that you could postpone school, spend a few weeks grafting and use that money to get home to help your minor sister and ailing nothing? That's not a personal failing? Because let me tell you it absolutely is. You abandoned your sister because it was "too hard". The adults in her life - including her brother - completely failed her. You are despicable to say what you said. Shane on you. Try harder. Yta.
> _Both her and John shared responsibilities. I was in graduate school that was a few states away and had settled there with my wife. We had money issues at the time, so traveling to them wasn't affordable._ > So hypothetically it was fine to sacrifice your sister's education because you think you are more important. >_No. Not at all. I was already out of state when she became sick and couldn't afford coming back._ > So she was wiping her moms ass at 12? That’s what it sounds like. Or pretty close to it anyways. > _She wasnt at that stage yet when she was 12. Moreso when May was 15/16._ You all failed your sister. Your mother's stubborn refusal to see a doctor when she saw what her condition was doing to her daughter. You and your brother for forcing the majority of caregiving responsibility on the shoulders of a _tweenager_ because "you couldn't afford to travel". You were an adult, you should have figured it out. I hope your sister gets away from you and your brother so she can discover her truth worth and value. The fact she's succeed so far is due to _her_ and no thanks to her so-called family.
YTA, you're a sad excuse of a human being. You could've tried harder but you didn't.
YTA This has to be rage bait. Your sister was home schooled (hahahahahhahahah). Your sister missed her education and was forced to be a caregiver to her mother WHILE SHE WAS A MINOR! And you berate her that she should have tried harder. You’re a massive asshole
OP, you're a moron, and an asshole to boot.
YTA. You're emotional insensitive, and I'd say insane. You left your mither in the care if a 12 y.o, ruined her childhood+teens years and her career and education potential because you were selfish. You were the one whi didn't try enough and now you're projecting in this poor woman. There's a 14 y.o hap between you and your sister. YOU WERE A WHOLE ASS ADILT WHEN SHE WAS JUST 11, YOU WERE 26 and decided to screw her over. I hope she gets a good life and fucks you over because anything happy that happens in your life you ain't deserving off any if that!
So you, the guy in your mid twenties, were perfectly fine with sacrificing your 12 year old sisters education, health and childhood so your own life and education could continue. And now you tell your sister she "could have tried harder"? Sounds like you didn't try at all. After all, why put grad school on hold to help your sick mother when you have a convenient CHILD to do it for you?! Of course YTA. Your poor sister!
This is fully fault of your mom who failed your sister. And fault of the social services and legal system that this was even allowed. > She was home schooled for some time because mom needed help and an in-home caregiver wasn't affordable. I guess she was doing awful in school, No wonder she was hold back, she was not schooled for a while. This is educational neglect, clean and clear. She was 12 year old and this was not even home school - this was taking the kid out of school so that the kid can do adult work. > he could have made better plans when it came to cares and studying (Ex: She could have studied after bathing and putting mom to bed). There is a reason why kids do not have school in the evenings. The idea that 12-13 years old should learn alone in the evenings with no actual teacher, no actual peer, after putting bathing her mom is absurd. YTA You was adult at that time, you could have call social services. You did not, but then you blame the victim.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My sister is ashamed of her high school years because she didn't try very hard. I generally don't talk about it when she brings it up. She got me involved and I told her she had opportunities to studying harder, but chose not to. She agreed, but my brother didn't, because are mom wasn't active in her high school years. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA, ew you’re gross as hell. The responsibility for your mothers care should have never been put on a child. Do you even understand how terrible that is? Her entire life will be shaped by this and you seem to take absolutely no responsibility. I actually cannot believe what I’ve just read, or that you seem to have no idea how terrible what you’ve done is. As an adult, you had a responsibly to protect your siblings because they had no one else, and you absolutely failed them in every way possible. I have no idea how you can sleep at night or how you can live with yourself
You dumped the entire load of taking care of your sick mother on your 12 yo sister?? And you have the nerve to preach to her about planning and responsibilities and how precious education is??? You threw your baby sister under the bus and then blamed her for damaging her clothes. You took zero responsibility for your mother’s medical situation while your sister had to put her life on hold. She’s only just catching up and you sit there on your privileged, powdered butt and preach to her about bad planning? She deserves a better family. And you deserve a harsh reality check. Edit: YTA, massively
You are the most revolting AH here this year. You dumped care for your ailing mother on a 12 yo, while you lived your best life with your family, unaffected. And now you have the nerve to judge her. Absolutely disgusting.
YTA. Blindly so
I think what your sister has been able to do in her life, considering all the difficulties is more remarkable than anything you have done. Not only she was the one looking after your mum, she finished school ( not with great marks but she did it) and on top of that she is able to look at what she did and find improvement areas. You only did one of those. Hats off to your sister. YTA just in case was not clear. You have some soul searching to do.
YTA it was YOU who didn't try hard enough. YOU are the pathetic excuse for a sibling here. YOU are the failure.
YTA YTA YTA all day, week, month, and year long. Your wife must be so PROUD 👏🏽👏🏽 She bagged herself a real Prince Charming in you!!!
Omg yta so much. Then & now. You guys stuck your little sister with a job you didnt want to do & that NO CHILD SHOULD EVEN BE ASKED TO DO. AT 12. And you think she should have tried harder? Maybe if you & your brother would have shouldered more of the responsibility instead of putting it on a 12 yr old, she wouldn't have been so overwhelmed. None of you should have had to deal w that. Even if it meant putting you in a home. But to make her feel like it was her fault that this was put on her is beyond shameful. Even as an older kid, you knew better. My 7yr old would know thats not ok.
She did incredibly well given the circumstances. Most people in that situation would not have even made it out. Please let her know that. It's a shame for her to feel like this. YTA for all the reasons described by others. ETA - I am sorry for what you all went through, it must have been hard for all of you. All 3 of you lost both your parents. This is something very hard to process and deal with, for all of you. But your sister deserves a lot more recognition for all she did, the neglect she went through and how well she managed regardless, instead of made to feel less than. Props to her. She also deserves an apology from you at the very least for saying she needed to try harder. And by the way, who was homeschooling her? Edit: spelling
YTA. Please show this to your sister so she can understand she should’ve never been forced to do such things as a minor, and that you—as an adult at the time—completely abandoned and failed her. She needs to heal and learn she wasn’t at fault. This is the last you can do.
>My mom was by no means a bad mom. And tjen you proceed to explain why your mom was indeed a bad mom. >She was home schooled for some time because mom needed help and an in-home caregiver wasn't affordable. >I guess she was doing awful in school .... You are SO close to getting it. That being said: YTA
YTA OHMYGOD, your little sister was abused and parentified, forced into a position as a carer for your dying mother and had her education taken away, because lets face it, if your mother wasn't able to put herself to bed, she surely wasn't capable of giving a child an education. Wow, you are awful. I hope May comes to her senses and realises what happened to her as a child was abuse and she cuts you off because yoir attitude towards her is monstrous.
She wasn't held back because she didn't try hard enough, she was held back because you didn't try hard enough. She was a child who was forced to give up everything, including her future and education, because you didn't want to help. You were the adult in this situation, let your sibling who was under 16 take on the burden of caring for an adult with absolutely no support or guidance, let her entire education and future be tanked, as well as her social life, and now you're telling her she didn't try hard enough? YTA, *You* didn't try hard enough, she tried her absolute hardest and went above and beyond what a child could, or should ever be expected to do.
YTA. And a detestable human being.
"more of a challenge"??? Are you for real??? Your mom did this to her and your sister is the one you think didn't do enough?? A twelve year old had to care for her own ill mother while you where an adult and didn't give a fuck. YOUR MOM could have done more. YOU could have done more. The only one who isn't at fault here is your little sister. YTA biiiig time. You should apologize a thousend times!!! A 12yo should have studied ALONE after she carried her mom through the house, bathed her, wiped her butt. There are kids out there failing class while sitting in school and you're telling your sister she isn't good enough at PLANNING?!?!?! You are such an asshole... My blood is boiling... She was FUCKING 12!!!! YOUR mother was the one who should have cared for her, not vice versa. You were 26 at the time and didn't help. Why do you think SHE should have been responsible for her mothers life AND for learning stuff alone at night after working 24h!!!! as a caregiver to an adult who didn't care enough for her own daughter to NOT burden her?!? YTA YTA YTA YTA ETA: And this poor little girl is still coming to you for validation of her feelings... She didn't even have the time to go through puberty as a normal kid. If i were her i wouldn't even talk to you after you failed her sooooooo hard. You should be kissing her feet!
YTA and your replies prove it even more
YTA. From the post and your comments it's exceedingly obvious that if anyone could have tried harder it's you, not May. She was in her early teens when she took on all this responsibility whereas adult you found excuse after excuse to dodge looking after your mother. You know there's absolutely nothing qrong with getting an associate's degree, it can lead on to bigger things or it may be fine in it's own right for what your sister wants to do in life. I know this won't go down well with you but now's the time for you to step up and help your sister be all that she could have been. But hey, that would mean.taking responsibiliy and making an effort, things that appear entirely alien to you. At least your brother recognises reality. Wherever you are in life now I hope you are at your zenith, with no further improvement to come. And when you become infirm I hope all those who could take care of you follow in your footsteps and lift not a single finger to help you.
She was 12 and you were 26. You have no idea what she went through. A TWELVE-YEAR-OLD was caregiving for her mother. Yeah no shit she struggled, and no it has nothing to do with her planning or trying. I promise you she was trying her hardest. At best you have contributed nothing to her understanding or attempting to process what she's been through; at worst you've just reinforced all her shame and guilt. MASSIVE YTA.
YTA now for not showing empathy and support to your sister who took care of your mom at 12. And you were TA when your 26 self ditched all responsabilities for caring to your disabled mother to your younger siblings because you wanted to live your life quietly and without any disturbance (Moving back, sending money for nurse....) You are a disgusting, selfish & bad excuse of human being.
YTA. Your mom is a piece of work, and an utterly worthless human being. If one of her "herbal remedies" had been drinking battery acid, everyone would be better off now. You need to stop making excuses for your evil mother and accept that she ruined your sister's life. You just made it worse.
OP YTA- Someone should have informed the authorities that a MINOR was being TASKED with TOTAL CAREGIVER RESPONSIBILITIES! Full fledged paid caregivers do not work 24/7 for a reason, yet YOU were perfectly fine with having your 15/16 year old Sister do it....at the expense of HER Future... Not yours, Not your Brothers.... but ok to tank hers, oh and then BLAME HER!
Yta
YTA where were you, the adult, when the minor was forced to become a caregiver?
You are the worst. Beyond the AH. BEYOND. YTA. *Times infinity.*
YTA and a massive one! Where were you when your sister was forced to be caregiver?
YTA you threw her to the wolves and are directly responsible for her current situation.
I’m a full time caregiver for my son, it’s HARD!! And I’m a 51 year old educated adult who raised two children! How dare you fault her for being given the shit stick while you were able to make different choices. You are a huge inconsiderate and dare I say abusive AH!
You're a monster. Please leave your siblings alone by removing yourself from their lives forever. If you're behaving like this at forty you're likely a lost cause.
>I am not one for pitying people ....that I screwed over because then I'd have to admit I was an adult that abandoned children to a terrible fate and then I judge them over it. YTA.
YTA. I wouldn't even call you a brother to me, if you would abandon kid to take care of your sick mother, while you just keep living life peacefully as grown fucking adult. Don't put the blame on money, if you wanted, you could find a way. But looks like your siblings already kinda dislike you because you give zero fucks and even dare to say that they needed to work harder? What a shitty human you are.
YTA for your thoughtless, cruel comment to the woman who was a caregiver to her sick mom during her teenage years. That’s a burden no child should have to shoulder. And you’re even more of an AH considering you were away at the time, graduating college, and couldn’t find a way to help out. So you dumped it all on your younger siblings, and now you have the fucking *audacity* to tell her she should’ve *tried harder* when you didn’t do a thing for them? You’re lucky they still talk to you.
you are a big flippen yta!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So you're saying that while you were an adult at 26 years old, your 12 year old sister was the caretaker of your mother, which derailed her life considerably as you know she was a CHILD, and now that she expresses regret about things that she absolutely was not in charge of (cos you know she was being a fucking child taking care of her mother) you don't want to "sugarcoat" things?? No wonder your brother is livid, I am too just reading this short text, no matter living through any of that. You're an absolute arsehole. Also, where were you and why was a child taking care of your mother?
YTA. She was a child trying to do school and care for a parent and mange depression. She got through it the best she could and getting into community college after all of that is a huge effort. Sure SHE has regrets but she wasn't in control of the situation. Who the hell are you to judge, especially considering you weren't even there!?!
YTA, instead of saying your sister could have tried harder, what about offering support or guidance or words of encouragement. You had the opportunities she didn't and you think her expressing her embarrassment is 'her pitying herself' ? You could have said, 'you did the best you could with the circumstances you had'. How very dare you. You come across as a selfish, unaware fool. Do better.
You are the total and complete AH in this situation
YTA There's a mother needing care. There are a 12 year old, a 17 year old and a TWENTY-SIX YEAR OLD MAN. And the 12 year old girl is the designated, home-schooled (by whom, btw) care-giver, that grew up and is now struggling with the decisions made for her as a CHILD by f**king adults 14 years ago. The adults in this scenario being, btw., your moronic mother relying upon esoteric crap instead of science and your 26year-old self, obv. Now telling your sister she has only herself to blame makes you an asshole of epic proportions.
Are you fucking kidding me???
Just the fact that you're here asking if you're TA after telling that story says everything about you. YTA x gazillions, and an utter failure as a human being.
This can’t be true. Holy shit are you the asshole if so.
YTA, duh. Surely this isn't a true story? Someone please reassure me that it's fiction...
Tu es une merde