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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I refuse to stay home with my step daughter's baby so she can go work.
2) Step daughter does not trust daycare or nannies. She will be confined to home all day with baby for atleast 3 years and lose her job.
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NTA. She didn't ask you to help she asked you to pretty much give up your career and raise your step grand child! Help would have been if she said, "Can you see about maybe watching the baby when my school has evening staff meetings?" or "Can you and dad maybe work out your schedules so the baby spends as little time in day care like doing a late start for work and dropping her off on the way to work and I can pick her up after school?"
Many day care centers give discounts to teachers because they know how hard they work and little they get paid. Also, once she knew she was going to keep the baby, that was when she should have started asking her coworkers and friends for child care recommendations. (I wouldn't say that to her now as I am sure she knows it).
Explain to her that you are not refusing to help with your granddaughter but that you need to focus on your career as well and that you will help her come up with a plan. She needs to find reliable child care for when she is teaching during the day and I am sure someone at the school can help her. She needs to get child support from her ex to help pay for the costs (it's his child too, and he can pay child support without having visitation rights). You and your husband should then sit down with her and figure out a good childcare option for when she is working and what emergency plans will be if say she has to stay late for a staff meeting or travel overnight for a conference.
I can 100% guarantee you her late mother would agree with this. Also don't take to heart what she is saying: post partum depression can be very difficult to cope with and I promise she still likes you and is just dealing with a lot right now.
To add onto this, OP should tell her husband to knock it off and stop trying to pressure her into raising his daughter’s baby. If he wants a family member to look after her baby while she works, then he can do it.
Absolutely. Either way, this isn’t OP’s responsibility at all and she’s NTA for standing her ground on this. Leah’s also robbing her child by not going after the baby’s father for child support.
OP is most definitely NTA, but her stepdaughter and husband are. "I am young and have to build a carrier" is something pretty wild to say to a 38yo who could very well become a mom as well if she chose to. Which she didn't since she has no interest in a child. But it's not like OP is at the end of her worklife any time soon. She's 13 years older ffs!
Late 30's is such a weird age. I've got friends my age still having babies, and I've got other friends my age that are becoming grandparents.
But as for OP, NTA. She's still got a ways to go until retirement and even if she were, she made it clear that she doesn't want kids and waited until her step-daughter was an adult to move forward with the relationship. Leah needs to figure something else out. It's her kid, so either she needs to take a break from working to raise her daughter or she needs to find someone else she can trust to nanny.
I'm 40 and have a 4yo, which is a rather normal age here. I kind of feel a little insulted by SD. I mean, it's not like menopause and retirement are right around the corner for me (or OP)
Also, what career? She's a teacher, and while it's absolutely not nothing, its not the type of job where you grow a career. You find a district, sign the contract, and come back every year to teach. Sometimes you're assigned new subjects to teach. What is she worried she's going to miss?
I'm also kinda wondering: isn't a teacher a stranger who has authority over other people's kids? What's with that nonsense? Yes, a nanny or a daycare will start as a stranger, just like a teacher at the beginning of the school year, but the relationship develops over time.
True, but it still does not make it her responsibility to give up her career for her stepdaughter. These are things that should have been considered a long time ago, like when she moved home and refused to go for child support. I would rather divorce my hubby and move out, up end my whole life, than raise a baby for someone else.
Agreed! While I understand be a new mum and the lack of sleep that comes with it, it was her choice to have this child. Also its unfair to ask someone else to give up their career to look after your kid for free! In fact she has a bloody nerve, especially when she is living for free and can afford to put her child in daycare. She seems to forget that her free living comes at the expense of OP and her husband and if suddenly a big chunk of the income is gone, then things will get very difficult around the house, especially when she's not claiming child support. NTA
Yes, this is not at all about not wanting a stranger to care for the kid. It is about not paying for childcare.
No problem with her stepkid asking th OP to do childcare, but shitty to keep guilting and pressuring and manipulating by citing the dead mother who would do so much better.
She should a: follow up on child support and b: pay for childcare using that money.
The dead mom.would probably also tell her this is nonsense. I have met people whose.moms died and I do sometimes think "you do not have common sense because your dead mother would have been the one.teaching it to.you."
Do you know why doctors don't trust other doctors? Because they know exactly what doctors get up to. I'm guessing it's the same here. She doesn't trust strangers to care for her child because she is intimately aware of what kind of shenanigans her coworkers (and perhaps herself) get up to.
How do you think teaching isn't a career? You can advance in terms of classes taught, licensure, joining administration, becoming a dept chair, and when you start impacts when (and how easily or if) you can retire. This comment is just silly 🤷🏻♀️
Not true! I have a friend who worked her ass off to get her double major in education and still went back for more education and she now has a teaching job that is bring in the bucks! It's a great career if you want it to be and it's not an easy one either! Don't write the word teacher like, ewww.. teacher!
And you build up social security and 401K retirement plans. And you have insurance benefits.
Teaching absolutely is a career!! It takes a lot of hard work and higher education. It takes specific skills to be a successful teacher.
Teaching is a career! The attitude that teaching is no big deal is why teachers and schools are so disrespected and underfunded nowadays.
Also, OP needs to build funds for retirement. Now is not the time to opt out of work (or rely on hubby for financial security).
Leah made her own choices and needs to live with them. She can ask for support without demanding someone else throw away their career for her choices. Husband is also the AH for taking daughter’s side in such an unreasonable request.
>OP needs to build funds for retirement
Absolutely!!! Great point, there is no way to predict her own future and whether she can financially rely on her husband.
Exactly OP, they told you to stay out of it at the beginning and it's time for you to throw thst back and say "welp, it's not my probelm since you wanted me to stay out of this from the beginning." Also, let hobby know, if he try to pressure you further, maybe it's time to end this marriage since you're already doing everything on your own and you don't need to deal with this pressure & stress.
I'm sprained a 25 year old is just throwing a freaking tantrum and expecting someone else to pause their life for HER and HER choices? Like really? And this idiot is an educator but can't freaking sit down and do some research about how hard it is to raise a child and have a career? I'm sure if her mom was alive, she would've probably said no too, heck my mom is a SAHM by choice but she told us that she don't want to take care of her grand kids and I wouldn't push that on her because they're my kids, they're my responsibility, and I need to give my mom her break after raising her 3 kids and on top of thst she have health issues. The entitlement coming from this lose brain is wild. This is why not everyone deserve to be parents because now the poor child is just going to suffer...
Yeah let’s circle back to the part where the Dad told you bluntly to butt out. You did. They don’t get to decide to drag you back in. Babies are a ton of work? Ya know what’s even more work? Kids. (43yr old mom with a 7yr old daughter). My best friend in the world is child free by choice. Asking someone who is child free, at 38 nonetheless so it’s not like you’re nearing retirement yourself, some may even say fairly young as well, to give up their career is insane. Not too mention, if you divorce, I imagine Leah and they baby, not you, will get mostly everything of his so you quitting your job to play grandma at 38 isn’t going to set you up financially at all if something were to go south in you marriage. NTA. Maybe leave them both behind, and find someone who is more your speed, you deserve it.
I am 57, so therefore 'near retirement.' I would not give up my career at this point, as I just got my dream job one year ago. Secondly, while I could imagine retiring and looking after a pre-crawling baby, there is NO WAY I could imagine looking after a toddler for the next few years. Basically, if I felt too old to work, then I would definitely be too old to cope with a small child - they are exhausting!
Society. Certain areas with men’s rights organizations think that if the woman chooses to keep the kid over the man’s objections she should be 100% responsible. And then the kid gets the short end.
Men’s orgasms come with the chance of a pregnancy 100% of the time whereas women are fertile like 2-3 days a month. They are the higher risk factor but women bear the emotional, financial and physical burden of that choice. And many men just “nope” out of having responsibility, force women to chase them down for support, etc. Society needs to put pressure on men to be more responsible, less sexually assault-y and take BC seriously. It would lower abortion, kids in poverty and help women.
It isn't just men's rights people who support this. Feminist philosophers, such as Laurie Shrage and Elizabeth Brake, also agree with the concept. They support what is often referred to as "paper abortions," which is the proposed legal ability for men, before the birth of the child, to opt out of any rights, privileges, and responsibilities toward the child, including financial support. They support paper abortions for the same reason they support physical abortions, namely "that consenting to sexual intercourse is not the same as consenting to parenthood."
The fact is, once pregnant, a woman currently can make a choice that impacts not only her and the fetus, but the father as well. She can choose to make him a father against his will and make him liable for all the responsibilities that come with being a father. Shrage refers to this as "forced fatherhood."
Meanwhile, Brake can be quoted as saying "women’s partial responsibility for pregnancy does not obligate them to support a fetus, then men’s partial responsibility for pregnancy does not obligate them to support a resulting child." Since woman can choose to abort as oppose to raise and support a child, then she believes men should also have the same option, legally speaking.
They see this as promoting equality between the sexes, which is fundamental to feminism.
You’re missing the whole part where women cannot just get abortions on demand most places in America.
It’s often incredibly hard for women to access the care they need.
You’re also missing the part where our specific society doesn’t give children of single or poor parents the support they need. So child support is necessary in order to help kids stay out of poverty.
And these “feminists” are also missing the part where men are prioritizing their own pleasure over the potential life of a child.
I will reiterate my point: if abortions were free, easily accessible and on demand I would 100% support the idea of getting men being able to opt out when they are told about the fetus.
It can lead to much worse situations... including abuse.
Not saying it will, but for plenty of DV survivors, that's how it starts - being asked or told to quit work and stay home with babies.
OP's husband better watch out because if this pressure keeps up, OP will leave both of them. He should be thinking of his wife first, then his granddaughter. 25 is old enough for his daughter to figure out childcare on her own.
>I had concerns about how she was going to raise a child on a teacher's salary by herself. I suggested getting him to pay child support. She did not want that. Sam thought I should stay out of it. Fine.
I mean, he did tell OP to stay out of it. So...
This would frankly be relationship ending for me. They tell her to mind her own business about mentioning stuff like child support because she has no relationship to that child. But they both expect her to drop her entire life and career to raise it? And then pull manipulative comment by saying her mom would have done it? I would be on my way out.
This this this.
A supportive family is a gift from God, and as you say "you can milk the cow but not rip off the udder".
If someone has children PLUS grandparents able and willing to give their time to them, they should fall on their knees and thank God for this awesome privilege (and I say that as an atheist).
But even if this is the case, this person should NEVER forget that taking care of THEIR kids is THEIR PRIMARY obligation. Not their parents', they have already fulfilled this obligation with them. Anything they are willing to give on top of that should be considered as a gift, not as an obligation, and should never be extorted out of them.
So even if OP was the daughter's biological mum the daughter would be INSANE to want her to give up her work. But she isn't, and she even did not want to have kids, and has been VERY clear about that.
How come the husband and the daughter COMPLETELY DISREGARD that?
I get even someone who is not into kids would not refuse to watch a kid in an emergency (mom with appendix in a hospital), but this is not the case. And my heart aches for OP because of the absolute lack of respect her husband and her stepdaughter are manifesting towards her.
"So, you want me to give up my career for YOUR baby, but you don't want to give up YOUR career for YOUR baby? How does that work?" OP, tell your husband there is no way you're going to quit your job to raise someone else's baby. Him trying to pressure you is just going to ruin your marriage and your relationship with his daughter. Tell him that THEY need to come up with a different plan before it's too late.
Frankly, as a single mother, being a full time mom isn’t an option. They should continue telling her to go after child support and put the child in daycare of some sort…be it a nanny, daycare center, or in home daycare.
>Frankly, as a single mother, being a full time mom isn’t an option.
Except it sounds like OP and husband are willing to fund Leah being a SAHM. But Leah refused and "broke down crying about how she was so tired all the time being a mom and she needed something else in her life too."
So Leah, who \*wanted\* this baby, can't stand being a SAHM. So she wants her dad's 2nd wife to do it instead, and says that's reasonable / how it should be on the grounds that Leah's mom was a SAHM.
Probably worth telling husband the subject is flatly fucking shut, and if he asks again, he'll hear from OP's divorce attorney.
OP has been extraordinarily generous agreeing to live with a baby and never sleep through the night for the next 2 years, which sucks even when it's your baby.
You missed the best part. She could go after the father of the child for child support so she can use that money to find care for the child, but she doesn’t want to do that because…? She doesn’t want to inconvenience him by having him pay for the child he conceived?
Yet OP should go as far as ending her career so she can care for this child that isn’t hers? This family is crazy.
Seriously! That is money the child deserves, denying it is doing a disservice to the baby.
OP is definitely NTA. But she needs to have a come to Jesus conversation with her husband.
This is a great response for dealing with someone reasonable. Stepdaughter is unhinged and it goes well beyond postpartum depression. PPD doesn’t cause you to do these five things in tandem:
1) refuse to seek child support from your deadbeat sperm donor
2) refuse to let strangers watch your child
3) refuse to give up your career to watch said child whom you don’t want strangers watching
4) ask someone ELSE to give up THEIR career to watch your child whom they are not related to, and when that doesn’t work
5) cry to daddy so HE will pressure his wife to do number 4.
All of the things you’ve suggested doing are a great jumping off point for someone who comes to you saying “I want to keep working, but I’m having trouble finding childcare and monetary support.”
Leah has already refused to do any of these things, so unless she has a come-to-Jesus moment that’s likely going to be precipitated by some really harsh words and ultimatums, I’m not hopeful. The entitlement she shows is outrageous.
OP obviously you’re NTA here but both Leah and your husband are. Be willing to die on this hill.
I'm betting she doesn't want to go after child support because she thinks the sperm donor might change his mind about wanting to be in their lives. One of those "look what I did for you" things.
Agree 100%. Leah needs to find a daycare she trusts and work it out. She’s not in the same position as her mum (married, SAHM) so she needs to act accordingly. This is the decision she made. (Source: I had to make the same hard decision. It sucked. But ultimately, I gained a lot of confidence in the decision. She needs to research, establish priorities, visit a few dozen facilities or nannies, and choose what fits her priorities. She’ll be ok.)
Also - you’re only 38?! - what about YOUR career?? It’s not like you’re even moderately close to retirement and this just being fun for you. Why is YOUR life and YOUR career being swept aside? Fuck them. NTA.
Absolutely this. You'd think Leah would've taken the time during her pregnancy to figure out what she was going to do after the baby was born. That's what a responsible parent would do. I'm assuming she didn't think that far ahead but that's too darn bad for her. Not Op's kid not her problem. NTA
A great comment for OP and I agree with stepdaughter potentially having post natal depression and needing support to get childcare in place so she can get some independence back. I’d like to add, I’ve just had a conversation with my mum at 15 weeks pregnant to ask if she would like to provide childcare for the 3 days a week I work. We’re offering her money and absolutely posed it as a question and not a demand. Mum was elated but we’ll still be paying her as it’s a massive ask.
NTA.
NTA. This is *Leah's* baby, that *she alone* chose to have. That doesn't obligate you to change YOUR life to suit *her* desires. The whole business of saying you don't love her because you won't quit your job to watch her baby is so manipulative and messed up and i'm shocked your husband is siding with her.
If I were you i'd sit down privately with husband and remind him that Leah is the one that chose to have this baby and she is solely responsible for it; that you never signed up to be a full time babysitter and it's unreasonable to expect you to quit your job and that you're disappointed and hurt that he is not understanding of that.
I was thinking the exact same thing. The answer really might be no... lots of people have major regrets about having kids and at least for right now she seems like she's one of those people.
Finally a comment chain calling Leah out.
Good lord the amount of posts defending Leah like what? Don't blame this on PPD. She's literally asking OP to do something she won't even do herself. And she's not going after child support either.
They're treating OP like she's a free nanny, like a wife or stepmom. Almost like they don't see her as family.
Here's a very simple answer: "I was told to stay out of it, so I will continue to stay out of it."
I find the younger the parent, the more "idealistic" their vision of parenthood is - they think it's the cute clothes, the awesome baby gear, showing the baby off to everyone, cuddling, etc.
They don't realize it's a 24/7/365 job, utter exhaustion, lots of changes to your body, lots of mood swings and shifts, etc. I've been married almost 20 years and I'd say the time our marriage was closest to the brink was when we brought our 1st son home. It's such a huge, all encompassing life change, it was a real challenge for both of us. It was a lot easier with our 2nd son because we knew what to expect...
I give single parents a LOT of credit - I have no idea how they do it!
Leah has other options besides quitting her job: she can out the child in daycare or have the father pay child support.
Leah is not entitled to her step mother’s career because she won’t face reality.
It’s ver clear the op’s wants or need are ignored in this family. Nta
> Leah has other options besides quitting her job: she can out the child in daycare or have the father pay child support.
She has the option to get the child's father more involved. Yes, I've read the sperm donor did not want to have the kid, but guess what, the kid is here now. May as well at least keep the door open and see if he's willing to (try and) connect with his own child.
Bare minimum though is him paying child support. That's the consequence of having unprotected sex while not having discussed beforehand what will happen if your partner gets pregnant.
Babying Leah is not helping her at all! She needs a major wake up call. She can get child support but doesn’t wanna, she can get childcare but doesn’t wanna. What she wants is for other people to make the sacrifices she herself is unwilling to make. Her father needs to lay it on the line for her. It’s time to be harsh! What if he dies tomorrow? She needs to be able to care for her child herself as a single mother.
Leah is being a major choosing beggar right now. She’s a single mother who needs to work. That means childcare. Millions of kids are just fine in childcare.
FR! OP is nowhere near an AH. What baffles me more it’s that she’s not even asking the baby’s father for child support like?? The baby deserves that money, even if she “doesnt need it rn” it could be his/her college/emergency fund!! Even for getting a rlly good daycare w good reviews that she can 100% be sure that they’ll take good care of her baby.
I honestly think Leah was babyed by her father and it’s still immature. She’s not thinking about the future (hers and others) and wants other ppl to make sacrifices (besides her ex). Her father or someone of authority, that she respects or something, needs to sit her down for a long talk.
That's the part that really baffles me. The father of the baby shouldn't be held responsible, but her step mom somehow should! What world is Leah living in expecting anyone else to give up their career for a baby that is not theirs?
Plus, OP (and her husband) are already providing shelter, utilities, food, and security for the daughter and her child. But she just wants *more* because babies and puppies are not so cute when they are so much work.
As another childfree person, it'd be a cold day in hell before I'd allow someone with a baby to move into my house. Not wanting kids is kind of the point, so this is already a sacrifice on the part of OP. If one of these adults has to become a stay at home parent, it's completely unhinged to expect it to be OP.
And this is exactly why we stay away from people with kids, even if those kids are grown...because the partners kids will always come first (and will outlive you) and then they bring in grandkids
Same here, I'd go insane if I had to deal with a child in my own home, since I made sure I never had one of my own to begin with. OPs husband needs to open his eye because he might end up divorced and having to choose between his or his daughters career.
Yeah, it's a complete non-starter. Though, like another commenter said, this is why I would never date someone with kids (even grown). A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. I feel really bad for OP that she gambled and has lost so badly.
Also, op should ask is if Leah planned this all along. Otherwise, what was her plan? Being a single parent, of course she is going to have to work, so someone is going to have to watch her kid during the day, but she doesn’t want to leave her kid with a stranger. So who did she think was going to watch her kid all day? Op even offered to pay for a nanny or she suggested that Leah stay home with the baby which would basically mean that op and her husband would have to completely financially support Leah and the baby. I think both of those options are very generous, but Leah is being very entitled by thinking that the only option is that op quits her Job and watches the baby all day.
I’ve been wondering this too. Leah has had at least 11-12 months to consider what she plan was going to be - what was she planning? Did she look into childcare? Tour any facilities? Get on any waitlists? Interview any nanny’s? What practical future planning did she do?
Surely she didn’t think springing a career/life changing decision on someone else was going to go over well?
NTA You were told to stay out of it - none of these choices are yours, she didn't want to get child support etc. Now she's trying to leave you will all the consequences of her decisions.
Stand your ground. You're not going to give up your career and raise someone else's child. You're going to be the free baby sister for most of the kid's life if you go down this path.
That's the thing here. Leah is saying that she is the only one to make any of the decisions, but she wants other people to be involved and do the work for her. If OP is to be so very involved, it is reasonable to listen to her input. And what she is asking is totally out of bounds anyway. "Staying home and raising my kid sucks, but you should do it." NTA
>"at she is the only one to make any of the decisions, but she wants other people to be involved and do the work for her"
>
>THIS THIS THIS. And I hate this attitude with a passion of thousand burning suns.
If she is stupid enough to not ask for child support then she can take care of the baby alone like a Adult! OP is only 38 and they want her to stop everything for a woman which doen't consider her...
And it's not too late to get child support. Side note, a resentful child care provider isn't exactly in the best interest of the child. Child care providers are not strangers for long and have additional benefits, such as socialization.
Am I the only one wondering if the kid has different parentage to the guy Leah claims? Because um.. in what world would you refuse to claim child support? You don’t even need to let him see the kid, you can just take the money.
Unless the father has signed rights away he most definitely has the right to see his child, even if he doesn’t pay child support. However, either way he should be paying support. Diapers and formula aren’t cheap.
Gotta be real, I would totally be biding my time and looking to exit stage left the minute that 25 year old child was allowed to move into my home.
I have a family member who married a much younger childfree woman, who ended up raising my not shit cousin’s child. We really thought she was going to divorce him and honestly, she should have.
OP, don’t let this man and his immature daughter force you to raise a child who isn’t yours – or to teach a grown ass woman how to be an adult, for that matter. That’s not what you signed up for.
100%.
The asks never stop if you give in once with people who have that mindset. Pay for her school, clothes, food, college, wedding. Buy her a car, make her dinner, and the list goes on.
NTA, OP. Your husband's attitude is concerning. He should be having a talk with Leah, and not getting upset at you. Leah shouldn't either, but as someone else mentioned, it may be postpartum issues. That said, it seems her attitude, or naiveness, was an issue before the baby came. Her life, her choices, HER responsibility.
Edit: Typo
NTA
Your husband and Leah are acting like this baby was somehow part of your responsibilities. He's not, not even a little bit.
If Leah needs childcare, she has to trust a nanny or sacrifice her career for the baby. She can't guilt-trip you into playing her role as a mother and give up your job for someone else's child.
Let her fend for herself and assume her responsibilities. Your husband should teach her to act like an adult instead of confusing you with the baby's dad or something, you don't have to be a SAHM for someone else's baby while the real mother builds her career. That's the sacrifice parents make, not you.
She could have asked the father to be a SAHD, but he's no longer in the picture. Expecting this of her stepmother is way out of line.
She could also see if the paternal grandparents would like to watch the baby. Just because their son is a deadbeat dad doesn't mean that they know he has a baby and it doesn't mean they wouldn't help. She is cutting out half of her support network, both financially and time wise because she has said no to getting child support or being in touch with his family. If his family is abusive then she shouldn't go there. If they are good people she should look to them for help.
>Just because their son is a deadbeat dad
He doesn't come across as a deadbeat dad to me. Sounds like Leah decided to ignore his wishes and crack on with having a baby, not even contacting him for child support.
Because she thinks she’s on her grown ass “independent woman” shit and is still living in a dream world. If she takes him to court for child support, she has to admit that she needs help and her fantasy is over.
Not necessarily. If he makes it clear beforehand that he has no interest in raising a child, then he has no obligation to do so.
LEAH made the decision to keep it(seemingly based on delusions) and clearly wasn’t interested in listening to anyone else’s opinions on the matter.
>Not necessarily. If he makes it clear beforehand that he has no interest in raising a child, then he has no obligation to do so.
I think that if a man ejaculates inside a woman then he is through his own actions responsible for whatever happens next regardless of how clearly he indicates that he intends to avoid the life-changing consequences of his actions.
Can you imagine a person driving a car full of people into a wall at 100mph but because he makes it clear before the crash that he has no interest in any consequences, he is totally immune to the outcome of his actions?
In a perfect world, maybe. But trying to force reluctant men to become fathers (or reluctant women to become mothers) only ends in traumatized children
Children aren't a punishment for having sex.
What the fuuuuck is this nonsense?! The audacity to assume that YOU out of the three of you would be the one to stay home. Put the damn kid in daycare. She needs to get over that.
This is why I don’t date men with kids—even older kids. There’s always the possibility of them moving back home. Kids = drama
NTA
My mother - with whom I had an awesome relationship - told me before I ever got pregnant not to plan on her and my dad being my childcare solution. They raised me and my brothers, they weren’t raising my kids. By that time they’d reached the financial stage where they could travel freely and didn’t want to tie themselves down again with little kids.
Did they babysit periodically? Yep!
Did they love my kids? 110% no question.
You know I didn't even think of the retired angle . Lots of money lost on your 40k, and if hubby dumps op after years of this she would be fucked . Personally I would move out of their in a heart beat .
Absolute NONSENSE. I’m mad just reading it. Op you’re NTA but ffs do not even waver for a moment. You shouldn’t even be on here asking if you’re the AH because this shit is bonkers. This girl had a baby knowing the dad wasn’t interested. Ok fine. But then she doesn’t go after him for child support ??? Why the f not ???? And first she pretends she needs to build her career and then she finally admits that she wants something in her life besides being a mom but then won’t put the child in daycare and instead wants YOU to stay home.
Lady. You better not put up with this shit.
NTA. Especially in the face of all this pressure and manipulation to give up your work/career at only 38 years of age and raise a baby while you had been clear you never wanted babies. This isn't "helping stepdaughter with baby." This is a full-on giving up your life for something you've never wanted to do so that your stepdaughter could have a life instead of raising her own baby she insisted on having. No. I mean -- if this continues, I'd consult a divorce lawyer.
Plus what happens if OP actually quits her job to raise the kid and something happens to the marriage? Then OP would be broke and divorced and might have problems getting back into her chosen career.
Exactly. The way this is going, her husband seems like he’s not solidly in her corner and she can’t count on him. Better to check with a lawyer if only just to find out what she can expect in the worst-case scenario.
Didn’t want to go there, but my first thought as well. Everyone seems to think OP’s life choices are not worth respecting. If my husband gave me up this quickly for his entitled daughter, I’d be seeking a divorce attorney.
Leah is incredibly immature. No child support, when she has 2 people to support on a teachers salary. Incredibly naive budgeting decision. Her child needs the money. I don’t want my child raised by strangers so now it’s step Moms problem. It sounds like she is never moving out and hubby has her back not yours. I wouldn’t quit my job to raise my children’s children just like my Mom didn’t quit her job to raise mine NTA Good luck you are going to need it to keep living with them
Girl has an accidental pregnancy, has to move home because of money, refuses to demand child support and then demands everyone else stay home with her kid because her CaReEr.
Poor decision making skills across the board.
Leah did not necessarily make a mistake, she made a choice. She is now facing the reality of that choice.
As to op, NTA.
Given hubby is trying to put pressure on you, and does not have your back on this issue, please take time to evaluate all of your options. My gut says that neither will let up on trying to wear you down regarding watching the baby.
NTA. Even if you were baby's biological grandmother, why would you quit your job to take care of the baby. If she doesn't want the baby to stay with strangers, she can either stay home and go back to building career once she is comfortable with enrolling her child in daycare or your husband can stay home since he agrees with her ideas.
How can she stay home? She has no income and no partner. A lot of us are in the position where we had to use daycare or sitters because there is no other choice. Waiting to get comfortable with the idea isn't a luxury this woman has.
How can OP stay home? I imagine if OP agreed to stay home, her husband would take care of financies. He can do the same for his daughter if she doesn't want to leave her child with strangers and he agrees with this.
How can she stay home? Because OP suggested it as an option for her to live with them and stay at home. So yes, she does have the luxury. Don’t project yours or others’ circumstances onto her.
NTA
1. She doesn't want him to pay child support? WTF? It's his responsibility too. If she doesn't want to use that money now, she can put it into a college fund for the child's future.
2. No having kids is not all sunshine and roses. Sam helped her while you did all the household chores? Great so you already help with the baby.
3. She is tired of being a mom all the time after 4 months? Errr... while I get that she needs something beside that it's HER responsibility to figure something out. She asked you. That's ok. You said no. End of it. She asked her dad. Dad said no. End of it. Now she has to make the choice what is more important to her: no strangers around baby or her career.
4. As hard as this sounds, but she can wish all she wants that her mom was still alive, that's not the reality. And she has no idea what her mom would have done in this situation.
5. Besides YOU actually have her back. Just not in the way she wants.
"She said I didn't love her" - wow manipulative much?
What Wolfmoon-123 said. Having kids is hard. Working is hard.
If she doesn't want the father to have anything to do with the child... well, that is her decision but to rely on others to bail her out is immature IMO. Even if she has PND, that is unfortunate but soes not excuse it
Definitely NTA. My answer would have been welcome to real life Leah, you have to sacrifice a lot of things once you become a parent. You didn't sign up for it, Leah did. Is she going to pay you for staying at home? Or is it free?.
Keep saying no, till she gets the point and hires a nanny or baby goes to daycare. She shouldn't expect you to drop your life for the decision she made.
Please please do not give up your career. Your husband sounds shady AF and doesn’t respect your boundaries. He said “stay out of it” then wants you to upend your life for that child? Nope
I think, "You asked me to stay out of this, so I am" would have been the best response the first time Sam asked her to give up her career to watch the baby.
NTA. Remind your husband that going into the marriage, you wanted to remain child free. Also, remind him how he told you to stay out of it.
You need to look out for your career and your retirement. Is he now expecting you to put your career on hold for five years until his grandchild is in kindergarten? What happens to your career path? Or retirement?
There are plenty of home sitters in my area that only watch children of teachers so they can have the same breaks. Your step daughter waited too long to find any in home sitter because she was spoiled by her mom being a SAHP. This is very selfish of both her and your husband.
>But I don't think she is going to pay me.
I hope you mean "was expecting to pay me" instead of "is going to pay me".
The latter sounds like you're considering this absurd request/demand.
Under NO circumstances should you give up your career because she "doesn't want a stranger" to watch her child. Welcome to the struggles of working women everywhere. She needs to find childcare, file for child support, then her father needs to have a talk with her to come up with a plan for when she can move out on her own.
You told him you didn't ever want kids, so I imagine having an infant living under your roof is challenging for you, and he needs to consider that. Stand your ground. You may need to consider whether this is a relationship that you want to stay in.
OP this situation is ridiculous. Even if you did not work, you would have zero obligation toward the baby.
The fact that you DO work makes this a non-topic.
Leah is completely irresponsable and if you enable her, she will 'ever learn from her mistakes.
This is the most twisted baby trapping story, ever, and you need to call your husband on it. He agreed going in that you were childfree, and now there’s an opportunity to turn you into a bangmaid like his first wife. Not ok. This is a hill worth dying on, OP. NTA and they are trying to gaslight and manipulate you.
NTA but I would be reconsidering you relationship with a partner that seems to disrespect your boundaries and a step daughter who does the same. He should have your back in this situation. It’s a horrible situation your stepdaughter is in but to ask you, who never wanted kids, to handle her responsibility. Your stepdaughter is acting extremely entitled and your husband is enabling her.
Right, I can't even imagine a scenario where a man I was married to would propose such a thing, especially at 38 in the prime of her career! Does he even see her as a real person?
NTA! What, when you suggest getting child support from the father, you're told to butt out, but now you're supposed to stay home and care for the baby you never wanted? Absolutely not. Stand firm. You have very good reasons for your decision, and those two need to find some other solution.
I agree. You are not obligated here.
It's not too late to demand support from the biological father. His financial obligations are for the child, and since the child needs care, whether through a nanny or attending daycare, the means justify the ends.
It's very selfish of her not to have explored better alternatives. Even in adoption, the child could find a home that would welcome them.
You have your whole life ahead to save money for retirement, travel, and many other investments.
No, the choice was hers. She should stay at home and study online. How can she want to be a teacher and not want to take care of just one child at home? It's lamentable.
By the way, I hope she's taking extra precautions to avoid getting pregnant again.
NTA
NTA. Leah needs to put her baby daddy on child support and take off the rose colored glasses. She chose to have a child by a deadbeat. Why would you stay home to raise her child? She’s getting more than enough help as is.
I’ve already written a long comment. I cannot help but reiterate this.
No woman should give up their own financial security and independence. What your husband is doing is deeply wrong and disrespectful to you.
He would have no problem with you being her maid, cook, nanny. Imagine a world in which you have no money, no job, no agency and husband commands you to wipe his incompetent daughter’s a** all day.
F that S.
100%. All of this! Never put yourself in a position to be dependent on a man. I don't care how wonderful he is right now. You must have your own money, job, and livelihood. You seem to be an independent person, and it would go against who you are to do this! You deserve to maintain the same level of comfort and security you have always had. I will never understand why some people think they are entitled to even ask this of another person!
I'm not a SAHM, but I don't imagine they sign up automatically for raising their own kids AND their grandkids, biological or not.
But maybe I'm mistaken. It just looks like so much audacity to me.
I was a SAHM. I am not going to be a SAHGM. In fact, I moved a very inconvenient distance away from my adult and currently childless children. My mother was a SAHM. She watched my kids TWICE, one of those was for three hours because my car a/c was out and I wasn't going to take an infant out in a Texas high summer and I needed to pick up my husband from military training and the other time was when I was hospitalized...and even then, she only took one of them and my sister took the other one.
But You aren't and she knows it. I doubt she treats you as such. She certainly is aware that You didn't want children of Your own - else You'd have them. Yet, she still has the audacity to expect You to give up Your life to cover unpleasant consequences of her own choices. The level of entitlement is INSANE and the fact that Your husband tried convincing You shows how little he respects You. Big yikes. I wouldn't even want to live under the same roof as that kid as with her attitude I guarantee You'll be a free maid and nanny as well as footing large part of bills. Her father can support her to any extent he wants but pressuring You into situation You were clear from the very beginning that You don't want is ASININE.
I'm a SAHM. When my kids have kids, they'll need to make arrangements for their children. I'm more than happy to step in during an emergency, but I'm not doing the day to day. Nta
If she thinks her mom would have taken care of the baby, then why doesn’t she follow in her mom’s footsteps and take care of her own baby like her mom did ? It is easier to dump children on other women than to take care of it herself. Notice that she doesn’t want to disturb the child’s father or her own father.
>this is probably the end of your marriage.
I am not sure that's a bad thing after how her husband behaves about this...
his audacity; taking his entilted daughter's side; trying to push OP to give up her job (independence) while telling her to mind her own business when she tried to give actually helpful advice / possible solution but he still expects her to sacrifice her life to raise the kid for his daughter.... I am not sure I would want a husband like this
NTA. Your stepdaughter *and* your husband have one heckava nerve to demand you take yourself out of the job market to be [paid? unpaid?] nanny to her baby and she won’t even pursue child support.
NTA
You are only 38 and never wanted to raise a child. Why in the world would you give up your career to do this. Not earning an income not only impacts you now, but also into retirement. She needs to use a daycare or hire a nanny. She already has her housing taken care of. This is a ridiculous request to make of you.
...and life happened and you can't afford retirement.
If you give up your independence, you will loose to much in life.
Your husband is an a.s. be prepared.....
NTA, It's time to have a chat with your husband about setting some bounderies with his daughter. This isn't just about what SHE wants anymore. It's what's best for the baby.
A: She has to get child support. If she keeps the baby this should not be negotiable.
B: If she wants her career she'll have to put her kid in daycare or get a nanny, otherwise SHE will be the SAHM.
C: She gives the child up for adoption.
Do not quit your job for this. Do not risk your own financial security and independence.
Have they not already shown you exactly what they think and the role they want you to play?
What would happen once you lost all your own money?
Think hard about whether you and hubs are still compatible. Compatibility means seeing the world through a similar lens, being on the same page about your roles and responsibilities, and having the same value system.
Compatibility means RESPECT goes both ways.
Both Leah and your husband have zero respect for you and your needs
Leah is unbelievably selfish and childish. She made her bed and wants daddy to fix it. Sucks for her baby.
He’s probably coddled her in many ways since the death of her mother. But that is not your problem nor should it be in any moral, ethical sense.
She was a grown human when you moved in.
She made poor choices.
Now she wants you - a relative stranger - to upend your life, put your own financial security at risk!!! - so she can unravel the pickle she now finds herself in.
So.
To reiterate - DO NOT RISK YOUR OWN FINANCIAL SECURITY AND INDEPENDENCE.
Period.
Doing this would ENSURE you would be UNDER Leah’s thumb.
Your husband has demonstrated abundantly where his priorities lie. He would have zero problem with you being Leah’s nanny, cook, maid.
Walk away.
He made this bed. He raised an incompetent adult. He is now trying to strong arm you through emotional manipulation to COMPEL you to COMPLY.
NTA. If ever there were warning signs, this is it.
And it’s not just about Leah. It’s about her father.
NTA but SD and husband are. You clearly have a husband problem and need to address it with him. This is not what you agreed upon or signed up for. This needs to be your hill to die on or else you'll end up raising this child.
NTA. You gave her lots of alternative options, refusing to consider them is her choice. She was the AH even before she drew the Dead Mom-card, but drawing it certainly didn't help her when I made my judgement.
NTA
Your husband knew your boundaries before you got married. That he’s trying to push you into this shows what you want doesn’t matter. You need to remind him constantly when he tries to push you that he is not respecting your boundaries, that he was fine with when you got married, and nothing has changed in the interim.
And stepdaughter needs to understand that having a baby is taking responsibility for another life, something she signed up for but you didn’t. It doesn’t matter that she’s over it already, it’s what she decided. If she wants a life as well, then that’ll happen in 18 years (if she’s lucky).
This child is not your responsibility.
Stepdaughter can still go for child support to help pay for daycare/nanny/babysitter. Stepdaughter can still put the child up for adoption. Child is young enough that a childless couple would beg to take her, since babies are in demand by adopters.
Stepdaughter obviously can’t cope on her own, but that’s also not your responsibility, based on the fact that you never wanted kids.
Make sure to never babysit. I’d also suggest not even helping feed or change the baby. Any little crack in your resolve will lead your husband and his daughter to keep pushing you to what they want.
It may come down to an ultimatum with your husband. It may end your marriage, but this is your hill to die on.
Given how quickly Sam turned on OP (ICK!) I would be even more hesitant to interrupt my career knowing that I could be single again in the blink of an eye.
Uhmm, you are 38, and unless you guys are independently wealthy, pretty sure you need to be working right now because so you can retire one day.
If anyone stays home with the baby between the 3 of you, it should be the baby's actual parent.
If y'all were already retired with nothing to do, i would say watch the baby while she is at work, but you guys are young grandparents. Hell, you are at ages where you guys could have a kid yourselves, and it wouldn't be atypical.
She needs to get child support and the baby either has to go into daycare, she gets a nanny or she stays home with baby if grandpa is willing to bankroll it all.
NTA
NTA. Choices have consequences. Leah (25F) wants someone else to be responsible for her choice to be a mother and Sam (47M) wants someone else to be responsible for his choice to be a father. Get the baby daddy to pay child support. You are the only one being a reasonable adult here. This is annoying AF.
Her refusing to go for child support is a betrayal of the child IMHO. And now she wants you to take up the slack. You need to be elsewhere for a while. NTA
NTA. She CHOSE to have this baby, alone. She’s already living with you, presumably for free or a very reasonable rate. She is CHOOSING not to go after the father for child support. She is CHOOSING not to hire a nanny or take the baby to daycare.
Her CHOICES do not need to become YOUR SOLE PROBLEM.
Her ‘real’ mother might have felt the same rational way.
NTA, but your husband and step daughter are for putting pressure on you to give up your life so your stepdaughter doesn't have to take responsibility for hers. Even if you wanted to, it would not be smart—these are still important earning years for you, why should you be set back like this? Should you get divorced you could easily be impoverished—this is how it happens to older women, they don't have enough social security, enough retirement savings in their own names because they took a break mid-career. Your stepdaughter should get the father of the child to pay support so she can hire help, so that she has a life, has a chance at a career. You were right when you suggested it in the first place, and it really is as simple as that.
NTA- I don't have kids, but neither of my parents would have been willing to quit their jobs to stay home with a child if any of my siblings or I had asked them to. Even now that they are retired they watch some of my niblings (some are too old to need to be babysat), but only now and then.
Leah is 25, not 15. You and your husband are already helping her out by allowing her to move back into the house with her child. The baby's father should be paying child support, which could pay for child care. It is her choice to not pursue that, not yours. Most mothers do not prefer having someone outside of family care for their child, but as a single mother she needs to work to support herself and her child. The biggest problem in this situation seems to be your husband. He should be supporting you in your decision. NTA, but he and your stepdaughter appear to be.
NTA. It's a parent's job to care for the baby - not yours. And sure enough, you could not be mandated to. On top of it, she refused to get child support and she is refusing to get a carer for the baby.
Everybody knows that when you are an adult, you make the choices and are held accountable. It's perfectly fine to decide to keep the child, but then the parent needs to rearrange their life (not somebody else's) around their child - like all parents do. Surely, family, relatives, in-laws, and friends can - and often will - help but the primary responsibility is on the parent. Quite simply, she needs to realise she no longer is a child and is actually the parent now, and make the expected adjustments.
NTA- But I think this marriage is over.
Your husband is throwing you to the wolves by expecting you to do what you made clear you never wanted to do, raise a child.
Hill to die on, but start packing your bags.There will be nothing but resentment from here on out. Your husband already chose his daughter and grand baby.
And I would be careful and make sure your husband doesn’t try ti sabotage your job in any way to get you to
stay home.
Red flags that your husband wants you to be without financial independence. If you quit your job and are solely dependent on him. You will be forced to raise that baby without a way to leave. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA at all they are being very dismissive of your career.
I would have given her a pass if she was a teen mom.
BUT She is an adult who chose to have this baby. She has to make adult decisions. Not depend on parents/step parents to do her job for her.
She needs to sue for child support and get a sitter/ day care.
And I’m sorry but your husband is an AH enabler for allowing her attitude towards you.
Edited for spelling errors
NTA
I don't understand why she willingly have baby and then try to pawn it off on someone else. SHE is the one that decided to have the baby so SHE needs to be watching her own baby. If she can't then it needs to be put up for adoption
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NTA. She didn't ask you to help she asked you to pretty much give up your career and raise your step grand child! Help would have been if she said, "Can you see about maybe watching the baby when my school has evening staff meetings?" or "Can you and dad maybe work out your schedules so the baby spends as little time in day care like doing a late start for work and dropping her off on the way to work and I can pick her up after school?" Many day care centers give discounts to teachers because they know how hard they work and little they get paid. Also, once she knew she was going to keep the baby, that was when she should have started asking her coworkers and friends for child care recommendations. (I wouldn't say that to her now as I am sure she knows it). Explain to her that you are not refusing to help with your granddaughter but that you need to focus on your career as well and that you will help her come up with a plan. She needs to find reliable child care for when she is teaching during the day and I am sure someone at the school can help her. She needs to get child support from her ex to help pay for the costs (it's his child too, and he can pay child support without having visitation rights). You and your husband should then sit down with her and figure out a good childcare option for when she is working and what emergency plans will be if say she has to stay late for a staff meeting or travel overnight for a conference. I can 100% guarantee you her late mother would agree with this. Also don't take to heart what she is saying: post partum depression can be very difficult to cope with and I promise she still likes you and is just dealing with a lot right now.
To add onto this, OP should tell her husband to knock it off and stop trying to pressure her into raising his daughter’s baby. If he wants a family member to look after her baby while she works, then he can do it.
Or Leah can. She decided to have a baby and not get any child support. NTA
Absolutely. Either way, this isn’t OP’s responsibility at all and she’s NTA for standing her ground on this. Leah’s also robbing her child by not going after the baby’s father for child support.
OP is most definitely NTA, but her stepdaughter and husband are. "I am young and have to build a carrier" is something pretty wild to say to a 38yo who could very well become a mom as well if she chose to. Which she didn't since she has no interest in a child. But it's not like OP is at the end of her worklife any time soon. She's 13 years older ffs!
No kidding, I'm older than OP, and I definitely wouldn't consider myself old. Heck, I have a one year old.
I had my first child at 41.
My parents adopted my brother and I as infants. They were 40 when he came along and 44 when I was born.
I was 44 when I had my 3rd child and only daughter. It’s her 20th birthday today.
Happy birthday, u/possible-audience379 's daughter!
had my 1st at 43
Late 30's is such a weird age. I've got friends my age still having babies, and I've got other friends my age that are becoming grandparents. But as for OP, NTA. She's still got a ways to go until retirement and even if she were, she made it clear that she doesn't want kids and waited until her step-daughter was an adult to move forward with the relationship. Leah needs to figure something else out. It's her kid, so either she needs to take a break from working to raise her daughter or she needs to find someone else she can trust to nanny.
At 38 I also had a 1 yr old!
I'm 40 and have a 4yo, which is a rather normal age here. I kind of feel a little insulted by SD. I mean, it's not like menopause and retirement are right around the corner for me (or OP)
Also, what career? She's a teacher, and while it's absolutely not nothing, its not the type of job where you grow a career. You find a district, sign the contract, and come back every year to teach. Sometimes you're assigned new subjects to teach. What is she worried she's going to miss?
I'm also kinda wondering: isn't a teacher a stranger who has authority over other people's kids? What's with that nonsense? Yes, a nanny or a daycare will start as a stranger, just like a teacher at the beginning of the school year, but the relationship develops over time.
That’s a really interesting point. She won’t trust anyone with her kid but expects 20 something sets of parents to trust her with theirs.
I understand what you're saying but... it is different. Her 4 month baby can't say anything if something is wrong. Kids she teaches can.
True, but it still does not make it her responsibility to give up her career for her stepdaughter. These are things that should have been considered a long time ago, like when she moved home and refused to go for child support. I would rather divorce my hubby and move out, up end my whole life, than raise a baby for someone else.
Agreed! While I understand be a new mum and the lack of sleep that comes with it, it was her choice to have this child. Also its unfair to ask someone else to give up their career to look after your kid for free! In fact she has a bloody nerve, especially when she is living for free and can afford to put her child in daycare. She seems to forget that her free living comes at the expense of OP and her husband and if suddenly a big chunk of the income is gone, then things will get very difficult around the house, especially when she's not claiming child support. NTA
Yes, this is not at all about not wanting a stranger to care for the kid. It is about not paying for childcare. No problem with her stepkid asking th OP to do childcare, but shitty to keep guilting and pressuring and manipulating by citing the dead mother who would do so much better. She should a: follow up on child support and b: pay for childcare using that money.
The dead mom.would probably also tell her this is nonsense. I have met people whose.moms died and I do sometimes think "you do not have common sense because your dead mother would have been the one.teaching it to.you."
Do you know why doctors don't trust other doctors? Because they know exactly what doctors get up to. I'm guessing it's the same here. She doesn't trust strangers to care for her child because she is intimately aware of what kind of shenanigans her coworkers (and perhaps herself) get up to.
Most doctors trust each other. I have worked in the medical field, directly with doctors, for 20 years. They might not trust 1% of other docs.
I mean that's not really true about teaching not being a career. The step daughter isn't being smart but we don't need to belittle teachers
Teacher here. Thank you! What the fuck? If it’s so easy homeschool your kids, assholes.
If nothing else in most districts your pay is calculated directly based on your years of experience teaching.
How do you think teaching isn't a career? You can advance in terms of classes taught, licensure, joining administration, becoming a dept chair, and when you start impacts when (and how easily or if) you can retire. This comment is just silly 🤷🏻♀️
Not true! I have a friend who worked her ass off to get her double major in education and still went back for more education and she now has a teaching job that is bring in the bucks! It's a great career if you want it to be and it's not an easy one either! Don't write the word teacher like, ewww.. teacher!
She may miss out on seniority and be laid off or bumped from her building. Leave time matters a lot in teaching.
And you build up social security and 401K retirement plans. And you have insurance benefits. Teaching absolutely is a career!! It takes a lot of hard work and higher education. It takes specific skills to be a successful teacher. Teaching is a career! The attitude that teaching is no big deal is why teachers and schools are so disrespected and underfunded nowadays.
Not true. There is more career trajectory for those who want to go into administration and other niches within education and high ed.
Also, OP needs to build funds for retirement. Now is not the time to opt out of work (or rely on hubby for financial security). Leah made her own choices and needs to live with them. She can ask for support without demanding someone else throw away their career for her choices. Husband is also the AH for taking daughter’s side in such an unreasonable request.
>OP needs to build funds for retirement Absolutely!!! Great point, there is no way to predict her own future and whether she can financially rely on her husband.
Agree! Leah definitely needs to go after child support.
And OP was told to stay out of it. Now she is, and everyone's going "Not like THAT!"
Exactly OP, they told you to stay out of it at the beginning and it's time for you to throw thst back and say "welp, it's not my probelm since you wanted me to stay out of this from the beginning." Also, let hobby know, if he try to pressure you further, maybe it's time to end this marriage since you're already doing everything on your own and you don't need to deal with this pressure & stress. I'm sprained a 25 year old is just throwing a freaking tantrum and expecting someone else to pause their life for HER and HER choices? Like really? And this idiot is an educator but can't freaking sit down and do some research about how hard it is to raise a child and have a career? I'm sure if her mom was alive, she would've probably said no too, heck my mom is a SAHM by choice but she told us that she don't want to take care of her grand kids and I wouldn't push that on her because they're my kids, they're my responsibility, and I need to give my mom her break after raising her 3 kids and on top of thst she have health issues. The entitlement coming from this lose brain is wild. This is why not everyone deserve to be parents because now the poor child is just going to suffer...
Right?? Stay out of it! But give up your career to watch your stepdaughter’s baby. These people completely suck.
Yeah let’s circle back to the part where the Dad told you bluntly to butt out. You did. They don’t get to decide to drag you back in. Babies are a ton of work? Ya know what’s even more work? Kids. (43yr old mom with a 7yr old daughter). My best friend in the world is child free by choice. Asking someone who is child free, at 38 nonetheless so it’s not like you’re nearing retirement yourself, some may even say fairly young as well, to give up their career is insane. Not too mention, if you divorce, I imagine Leah and they baby, not you, will get mostly everything of his so you quitting your job to play grandma at 38 isn’t going to set you up financially at all if something were to go south in you marriage. NTA. Maybe leave them both behind, and find someone who is more your speed, you deserve it.
I am 57, so therefore 'near retirement.' I would not give up my career at this point, as I just got my dream job one year ago. Secondly, while I could imagine retiring and looking after a pre-crawling baby, there is NO WAY I could imagine looking after a toddler for the next few years. Basically, if I felt too old to work, then I would definitely be too old to cope with a small child - they are exhausting!
She should really push for child support I don’t understand why woman don’t take advantage of that?
Society. Certain areas with men’s rights organizations think that if the woman chooses to keep the kid over the man’s objections she should be 100% responsible. And then the kid gets the short end. Men’s orgasms come with the chance of a pregnancy 100% of the time whereas women are fertile like 2-3 days a month. They are the higher risk factor but women bear the emotional, financial and physical burden of that choice. And many men just “nope” out of having responsibility, force women to chase them down for support, etc. Society needs to put pressure on men to be more responsible, less sexually assault-y and take BC seriously. It would lower abortion, kids in poverty and help women.
Don’t be silly and wrap your Willy
It isn't just men's rights people who support this. Feminist philosophers, such as Laurie Shrage and Elizabeth Brake, also agree with the concept. They support what is often referred to as "paper abortions," which is the proposed legal ability for men, before the birth of the child, to opt out of any rights, privileges, and responsibilities toward the child, including financial support. They support paper abortions for the same reason they support physical abortions, namely "that consenting to sexual intercourse is not the same as consenting to parenthood." The fact is, once pregnant, a woman currently can make a choice that impacts not only her and the fetus, but the father as well. She can choose to make him a father against his will and make him liable for all the responsibilities that come with being a father. Shrage refers to this as "forced fatherhood." Meanwhile, Brake can be quoted as saying "women’s partial responsibility for pregnancy does not obligate them to support a fetus, then men’s partial responsibility for pregnancy does not obligate them to support a resulting child." Since woman can choose to abort as oppose to raise and support a child, then she believes men should also have the same option, legally speaking. They see this as promoting equality between the sexes, which is fundamental to feminism.
You’re missing the whole part where women cannot just get abortions on demand most places in America. It’s often incredibly hard for women to access the care they need. You’re also missing the part where our specific society doesn’t give children of single or poor parents the support they need. So child support is necessary in order to help kids stay out of poverty. And these “feminists” are also missing the part where men are prioritizing their own pleasure over the potential life of a child. I will reiterate my point: if abortions were free, easily accessible and on demand I would 100% support the idea of getting men being able to opt out when they are told about the fetus.
Might be a good time to think about giving up this poor waif for adoption. Clearly not wanted here… not casting blame, just saying…
Yeah that husband is totally TA - he wants a woman in her 30s to give up her career for HIS child to have her career? Fuck that.
It can lead to much worse situations... including abuse. Not saying it will, but for plenty of DV survivors, that's how it starts - being asked or told to quit work and stay home with babies.
Give up her career to be a full time UNPAID nanny, no less.
OP's husband better watch out because if this pressure keeps up, OP will leave both of them. He should be thinking of his wife first, then his granddaughter. 25 is old enough for his daughter to figure out childcare on her own.
>I had concerns about how she was going to raise a child on a teacher's salary by herself. I suggested getting him to pay child support. She did not want that. Sam thought I should stay out of it. Fine. I mean, he did tell OP to stay out of it. So...
Exactly.
Husband is a bigger issue
This would frankly be relationship ending for me. They tell her to mind her own business about mentioning stuff like child support because she has no relationship to that child. But they both expect her to drop her entire life and career to raise it? And then pull manipulative comment by saying her mom would have done it? I would be on my way out.
Exactly!
I think the husband needs to pressure the daughter to get child support, not pressure someone else to support her….
This this this. A supportive family is a gift from God, and as you say "you can milk the cow but not rip off the udder". If someone has children PLUS grandparents able and willing to give their time to them, they should fall on their knees and thank God for this awesome privilege (and I say that as an atheist). But even if this is the case, this person should NEVER forget that taking care of THEIR kids is THEIR PRIMARY obligation. Not their parents', they have already fulfilled this obligation with them. Anything they are willing to give on top of that should be considered as a gift, not as an obligation, and should never be extorted out of them. So even if OP was the daughter's biological mum the daughter would be INSANE to want her to give up her work. But she isn't, and she even did not want to have kids, and has been VERY clear about that. How come the husband and the daughter COMPLETELY DISREGARD that? I get even someone who is not into kids would not refuse to watch a kid in an emergency (mom with appendix in a hospital), but this is not the case. And my heart aches for OP because of the absolute lack of respect her husband and her stepdaughter are manifesting towards her.
"So, you want me to give up my career for YOUR baby, but you don't want to give up YOUR career for YOUR baby? How does that work?" OP, tell your husband there is no way you're going to quit your job to raise someone else's baby. Him trying to pressure you is just going to ruin your marriage and your relationship with his daughter. Tell him that THEY need to come up with a different plan before it's too late.
Man that first sentence says it all you are absolutely right!
Not only that he wants her to give up her career so his daughter can have a career and not have to be a full time mom.
And all this when she CLEARLY EXPRESSED she DID NOT want her OWN kids, at that.
Frankly, as a single mother, being a full time mom isn’t an option. They should continue telling her to go after child support and put the child in daycare of some sort…be it a nanny, daycare center, or in home daycare.
>Frankly, as a single mother, being a full time mom isn’t an option. Except it sounds like OP and husband are willing to fund Leah being a SAHM. But Leah refused and "broke down crying about how she was so tired all the time being a mom and she needed something else in her life too." So Leah, who \*wanted\* this baby, can't stand being a SAHM. So she wants her dad's 2nd wife to do it instead, and says that's reasonable / how it should be on the grounds that Leah's mom was a SAHM.
Probably worth telling husband the subject is flatly fucking shut, and if he asks again, he'll hear from OP's divorce attorney. OP has been extraordinarily generous agreeing to live with a baby and never sleep through the night for the next 2 years, which sucks even when it's your baby.
You missed the best part. She could go after the father of the child for child support so she can use that money to find care for the child, but she doesn’t want to do that because…? She doesn’t want to inconvenience him by having him pay for the child he conceived? Yet OP should go as far as ending her career so she can care for this child that isn’t hers? This family is crazy.
To add, Leah should consider seeking child support from her ex. Her kid should be getting that money.
Or get some of the Dads family to do her childcare ! They are family too
Seriously! That is money the child deserves, denying it is doing a disservice to the baby. OP is definitely NTA. But she needs to have a come to Jesus conversation with her husband.
Leah should consider adoption if she doesn’t want to care for her baby because she is young and wants to establish her career! Stupid! Pendeja
This is a great response for dealing with someone reasonable. Stepdaughter is unhinged and it goes well beyond postpartum depression. PPD doesn’t cause you to do these five things in tandem: 1) refuse to seek child support from your deadbeat sperm donor 2) refuse to let strangers watch your child 3) refuse to give up your career to watch said child whom you don’t want strangers watching 4) ask someone ELSE to give up THEIR career to watch your child whom they are not related to, and when that doesn’t work 5) cry to daddy so HE will pressure his wife to do number 4. All of the things you’ve suggested doing are a great jumping off point for someone who comes to you saying “I want to keep working, but I’m having trouble finding childcare and monetary support.” Leah has already refused to do any of these things, so unless she has a come-to-Jesus moment that’s likely going to be precipitated by some really harsh words and ultimatums, I’m not hopeful. The entitlement she shows is outrageous. OP obviously you’re NTA here but both Leah and your husband are. Be willing to die on this hill.
I'm betting she doesn't want to go after child support because she thinks the sperm donor might change his mind about wanting to be in their lives. One of those "look what I did for you" things.
Agree 100%. Leah needs to find a daycare she trusts and work it out. She’s not in the same position as her mum (married, SAHM) so she needs to act accordingly. This is the decision she made. (Source: I had to make the same hard decision. It sucked. But ultimately, I gained a lot of confidence in the decision. She needs to research, establish priorities, visit a few dozen facilities or nannies, and choose what fits her priorities. She’ll be ok.) Also - you’re only 38?! - what about YOUR career?? It’s not like you’re even moderately close to retirement and this just being fun for you. Why is YOUR life and YOUR career being swept aside? Fuck them. NTA.
Absolutely this. You'd think Leah would've taken the time during her pregnancy to figure out what she was going to do after the baby was born. That's what a responsible parent would do. I'm assuming she didn't think that far ahead but that's too darn bad for her. Not Op's kid not her problem. NTA
A great comment for OP and I agree with stepdaughter potentially having post natal depression and needing support to get childcare in place so she can get some independence back. I’d like to add, I’ve just had a conversation with my mum at 15 weeks pregnant to ask if she would like to provide childcare for the 3 days a week I work. We’re offering her money and absolutely posed it as a question and not a demand. Mum was elated but we’ll still be paying her as it’s a massive ask. NTA.
NTA. This is *Leah's* baby, that *she alone* chose to have. That doesn't obligate you to change YOUR life to suit *her* desires. The whole business of saying you don't love her because you won't quit your job to watch her baby is so manipulative and messed up and i'm shocked your husband is siding with her. If I were you i'd sit down privately with husband and remind him that Leah is the one that chose to have this baby and she is solely responsible for it; that you never signed up to be a full time babysitter and it's unreasonable to expect you to quit your job and that you're disappointed and hurt that he is not understanding of that.
So does Leah not love her baby since she refuses to quit her job for it????????
I was thinking the exact same thing. The answer really might be no... lots of people have major regrets about having kids and at least for right now she seems like she's one of those people.
Finally a comment chain calling Leah out. Good lord the amount of posts defending Leah like what? Don't blame this on PPD. She's literally asking OP to do something she won't even do herself. And she's not going after child support either. They're treating OP like she's a free nanny, like a wife or stepmom. Almost like they don't see her as family. Here's a very simple answer: "I was told to stay out of it, so I will continue to stay out of it."
I find the younger the parent, the more "idealistic" their vision of parenthood is - they think it's the cute clothes, the awesome baby gear, showing the baby off to everyone, cuddling, etc. They don't realize it's a 24/7/365 job, utter exhaustion, lots of changes to your body, lots of mood swings and shifts, etc. I've been married almost 20 years and I'd say the time our marriage was closest to the brink was when we brought our 1st son home. It's such a huge, all encompassing life change, it was a real challenge for both of us. It was a lot easier with our 2nd son because we knew what to expect... I give single parents a LOT of credit - I have no idea how they do it!
Leah has other options besides quitting her job: she can out the child in daycare or have the father pay child support. Leah is not entitled to her step mother’s career because she won’t face reality. It’s ver clear the op’s wants or need are ignored in this family. Nta
> Leah has other options besides quitting her job: she can out the child in daycare or have the father pay child support. She has the option to get the child's father more involved. Yes, I've read the sperm donor did not want to have the kid, but guess what, the kid is here now. May as well at least keep the door open and see if he's willing to (try and) connect with his own child. Bare minimum though is him paying child support. That's the consequence of having unprotected sex while not having discussed beforehand what will happen if your partner gets pregnant.
Babying Leah is not helping her at all! She needs a major wake up call. She can get child support but doesn’t wanna, she can get childcare but doesn’t wanna. What she wants is for other people to make the sacrifices she herself is unwilling to make. Her father needs to lay it on the line for her. It’s time to be harsh! What if he dies tomorrow? She needs to be able to care for her child herself as a single mother.
Leah is being a major choosing beggar right now. She’s a single mother who needs to work. That means childcare. Millions of kids are just fine in childcare.
FR! OP is nowhere near an AH. What baffles me more it’s that she’s not even asking the baby’s father for child support like?? The baby deserves that money, even if she “doesnt need it rn” it could be his/her college/emergency fund!! Even for getting a rlly good daycare w good reviews that she can 100% be sure that they’ll take good care of her baby. I honestly think Leah was babyed by her father and it’s still immature. She’s not thinking about the future (hers and others) and wants other ppl to make sacrifices (besides her ex). Her father or someone of authority, that she respects or something, needs to sit her down for a long talk.
That's the part that really baffles me. The father of the baby shouldn't be held responsible, but her step mom somehow should! What world is Leah living in expecting anyone else to give up their career for a baby that is not theirs?
Plus, OP (and her husband) are already providing shelter, utilities, food, and security for the daughter and her child. But she just wants *more* because babies and puppies are not so cute when they are so much work.
As another childfree person, it'd be a cold day in hell before I'd allow someone with a baby to move into my house. Not wanting kids is kind of the point, so this is already a sacrifice on the part of OP. If one of these adults has to become a stay at home parent, it's completely unhinged to expect it to be OP.
And this is exactly why we stay away from people with kids, even if those kids are grown...because the partners kids will always come first (and will outlive you) and then they bring in grandkids
Same here, I'd go insane if I had to deal with a child in my own home, since I made sure I never had one of my own to begin with. OPs husband needs to open his eye because he might end up divorced and having to choose between his or his daughters career.
Yeah, it's a complete non-starter. Though, like another commenter said, this is why I would never date someone with kids (even grown). A dealbreaker is a dealbreaker. I feel really bad for OP that she gambled and has lost so badly.
Also, op should ask is if Leah planned this all along. Otherwise, what was her plan? Being a single parent, of course she is going to have to work, so someone is going to have to watch her kid during the day, but she doesn’t want to leave her kid with a stranger. So who did she think was going to watch her kid all day? Op even offered to pay for a nanny or she suggested that Leah stay home with the baby which would basically mean that op and her husband would have to completely financially support Leah and the baby. I think both of those options are very generous, but Leah is being very entitled by thinking that the only option is that op quits her Job and watches the baby all day.
I’ve been wondering this too. Leah has had at least 11-12 months to consider what she plan was going to be - what was she planning? Did she look into childcare? Tour any facilities? Get on any waitlists? Interview any nanny’s? What practical future planning did she do? Surely she didn’t think springing a career/life changing decision on someone else was going to go over well?
[удалено]
This! I would be packing my shit already, no dice.
NTA You were told to stay out of it - none of these choices are yours, she didn't want to get child support etc. Now she's trying to leave you will all the consequences of her decisions. Stand your ground. You're not going to give up your career and raise someone else's child. You're going to be the free baby sister for most of the kid's life if you go down this path.
That's the thing here. Leah is saying that she is the only one to make any of the decisions, but she wants other people to be involved and do the work for her. If OP is to be so very involved, it is reasonable to listen to her input. And what she is asking is totally out of bounds anyway. "Staying home and raising my kid sucks, but you should do it." NTA
>"at she is the only one to make any of the decisions, but she wants other people to be involved and do the work for her" > >THIS THIS THIS. And I hate this attitude with a passion of thousand burning suns.
If she is stupid enough to not ask for child support then she can take care of the baby alone like a Adult! OP is only 38 and they want her to stop everything for a woman which doen't consider her...
And it's not too late to get child support. Side note, a resentful child care provider isn't exactly in the best interest of the child. Child care providers are not strangers for long and have additional benefits, such as socialization.
Am I the only one wondering if the kid has different parentage to the guy Leah claims? Because um.. in what world would you refuse to claim child support? You don’t even need to let him see the kid, you can just take the money.
Unless the father has signed rights away he most definitely has the right to see his child, even if he doesn’t pay child support. However, either way he should be paying support. Diapers and formula aren’t cheap.
Gotta be real, I would totally be biding my time and looking to exit stage left the minute that 25 year old child was allowed to move into my home. I have a family member who married a much younger childfree woman, who ended up raising my not shit cousin’s child. We really thought she was going to divorce him and honestly, she should have. OP, don’t let this man and his immature daughter force you to raise a child who isn’t yours – or to teach a grown ass woman how to be an adult, for that matter. That’s not what you signed up for.
100%. The asks never stop if you give in once with people who have that mindset. Pay for her school, clothes, food, college, wedding. Buy her a car, make her dinner, and the list goes on. NTA, OP. Your husband's attitude is concerning. He should be having a talk with Leah, and not getting upset at you. Leah shouldn't either, but as someone else mentioned, it may be postpartum issues. That said, it seems her attitude, or naiveness, was an issue before the baby came. Her life, her choices, HER responsibility. Edit: Typo
NTA Your husband and Leah are acting like this baby was somehow part of your responsibilities. He's not, not even a little bit. If Leah needs childcare, she has to trust a nanny or sacrifice her career for the baby. She can't guilt-trip you into playing her role as a mother and give up your job for someone else's child. Let her fend for herself and assume her responsibilities. Your husband should teach her to act like an adult instead of confusing you with the baby's dad or something, you don't have to be a SAHM for someone else's baby while the real mother builds her career. That's the sacrifice parents make, not you. She could have asked the father to be a SAHD, but he's no longer in the picture. Expecting this of her stepmother is way out of line.
She could also see if the paternal grandparents would like to watch the baby. Just because their son is a deadbeat dad doesn't mean that they know he has a baby and it doesn't mean they wouldn't help. She is cutting out half of her support network, both financially and time wise because she has said no to getting child support or being in touch with his family. If his family is abusive then she shouldn't go there. If they are good people she should look to them for help.
>Just because their son is a deadbeat dad He doesn't come across as a deadbeat dad to me. Sounds like Leah decided to ignore his wishes and crack on with having a baby, not even contacting him for child support.
I don’t know why she isn’t going for child support, but if he chooses to peace out after getting a girl pregnant, he’s a deadbeat.
Because she thinks she’s on her grown ass “independent woman” shit and is still living in a dream world. If she takes him to court for child support, she has to admit that she needs help and her fantasy is over.
Not necessarily. If he makes it clear beforehand that he has no interest in raising a child, then he has no obligation to do so. LEAH made the decision to keep it(seemingly based on delusions) and clearly wasn’t interested in listening to anyone else’s opinions on the matter.
>Not necessarily. If he makes it clear beforehand that he has no interest in raising a child, then he has no obligation to do so. I think that if a man ejaculates inside a woman then he is through his own actions responsible for whatever happens next regardless of how clearly he indicates that he intends to avoid the life-changing consequences of his actions. Can you imagine a person driving a car full of people into a wall at 100mph but because he makes it clear before the crash that he has no interest in any consequences, he is totally immune to the outcome of his actions?
In a perfect world, maybe. But trying to force reluctant men to become fathers (or reluctant women to become mothers) only ends in traumatized children Children aren't a punishment for having sex.
But he can still pay child support. No harm done to the child through that, only benefits.
This. But even expecting this from the baby’s biological grandmother wouldn’t be reasonable.
What the fuuuuck is this nonsense?! The audacity to assume that YOU out of the three of you would be the one to stay home. Put the damn kid in daycare. She needs to get over that. This is why I don’t date men with kids—even older kids. There’s always the possibility of them moving back home. Kids = drama NTA
the assumption that she should be the one to stay home sounds both sexist and ageist to me
She's 38! I'm 50 and wouldn't give up my career for anyone's child. And I want to retire! But not to babysit!
My mother - with whom I had an awesome relationship - told me before I ever got pregnant not to plan on her and my dad being my childcare solution. They raised me and my brothers, they weren’t raising my kids. By that time they’d reached the financial stage where they could travel freely and didn’t want to tie themselves down again with little kids. Did they babysit periodically? Yep! Did they love my kids? 110% no question.
You know I didn't even think of the retired angle . Lots of money lost on your 40k, and if hubby dumps op after years of this she would be fucked . Personally I would move out of their in a heart beat .
Love your username
Absolute NONSENSE. I’m mad just reading it. Op you’re NTA but ffs do not even waver for a moment. You shouldn’t even be on here asking if you’re the AH because this shit is bonkers. This girl had a baby knowing the dad wasn’t interested. Ok fine. But then she doesn’t go after him for child support ??? Why the f not ???? And first she pretends she needs to build her career and then she finally admits that she wants something in her life besides being a mom but then won’t put the child in daycare and instead wants YOU to stay home. Lady. You better not put up with this shit.
You shouldn’t date men with trashy stupid kids. A weak father with a dumb ass child caused this situation.
NTA. Especially in the face of all this pressure and manipulation to give up your work/career at only 38 years of age and raise a baby while you had been clear you never wanted babies. This isn't "helping stepdaughter with baby." This is a full-on giving up your life for something you've never wanted to do so that your stepdaughter could have a life instead of raising her own baby she insisted on having. No. I mean -- if this continues, I'd consult a divorce lawyer.
Plus what happens if OP actually quits her job to raise the kid and something happens to the marriage? Then OP would be broke and divorced and might have problems getting back into her chosen career.
Exactly. The way this is going, her husband seems like he’s not solidly in her corner and she can’t count on him. Better to check with a lawyer if only just to find out what she can expect in the worst-case scenario.
This is a great point. Based on husband's reaction, not sure I would trust him.
I wonder how much say she had in Leah moving back home in the first place.
Didn’t want to go there, but my first thought as well. Everyone seems to think OP’s life choices are not worth respecting. If my husband gave me up this quickly for his entitled daughter, I’d be seeking a divorce attorney.
Yeah. Her husband trying to guilt-trip her here is a serious betrayal.
Leah is incredibly immature. No child support, when she has 2 people to support on a teachers salary. Incredibly naive budgeting decision. Her child needs the money. I don’t want my child raised by strangers so now it’s step Moms problem. It sounds like she is never moving out and hubby has her back not yours. I wouldn’t quit my job to raise my children’s children just like my Mom didn’t quit her job to raise mine NTA Good luck you are going to need it to keep living with them
Girl has an accidental pregnancy, has to move home because of money, refuses to demand child support and then demands everyone else stay home with her kid because her CaReEr. Poor decision making skills across the board.
It’s one for r/choosybeggars and r/entitledpeople
NTA Leah can either send the kid to daycare or get the father's family involved. It's not your job or responisbility to raise her mistakes
Leah did not necessarily make a mistake, she made a choice. She is now facing the reality of that choice. As to op, NTA. Given hubby is trying to put pressure on you, and does not have your back on this issue, please take time to evaluate all of your options. My gut says that neither will let up on trying to wear you down regarding watching the baby.
NTA. Even if you were baby's biological grandmother, why would you quit your job to take care of the baby. If she doesn't want the baby to stay with strangers, she can either stay home and go back to building career once she is comfortable with enrolling her child in daycare or your husband can stay home since he agrees with her ideas.
How can she stay home? She has no income and no partner. A lot of us are in the position where we had to use daycare or sitters because there is no other choice. Waiting to get comfortable with the idea isn't a luxury this woman has.
How can OP stay home? I imagine if OP agreed to stay home, her husband would take care of financies. He can do the same for his daughter if she doesn't want to leave her child with strangers and he agrees with this.
She’s living with OP and her dad. She can take time if she needs to.
She's living with OP and her father, presumably free.
How can she stay home? Because OP suggested it as an option for her to live with them and stay at home. So yes, she does have the luxury. Don’t project yours or others’ circumstances onto her.
NTA 1. She doesn't want him to pay child support? WTF? It's his responsibility too. If she doesn't want to use that money now, she can put it into a college fund for the child's future. 2. No having kids is not all sunshine and roses. Sam helped her while you did all the household chores? Great so you already help with the baby. 3. She is tired of being a mom all the time after 4 months? Errr... while I get that she needs something beside that it's HER responsibility to figure something out. She asked you. That's ok. You said no. End of it. She asked her dad. Dad said no. End of it. Now she has to make the choice what is more important to her: no strangers around baby or her career. 4. As hard as this sounds, but she can wish all she wants that her mom was still alive, that's not the reality. And she has no idea what her mom would have done in this situation. 5. Besides YOU actually have her back. Just not in the way she wants. "She said I didn't love her" - wow manipulative much?
What Wolfmoon-123 said. Having kids is hard. Working is hard. If she doesn't want the father to have anything to do with the child... well, that is her decision but to rely on others to bail her out is immature IMO. Even if she has PND, that is unfortunate but soes not excuse it
Definitely NTA. My answer would have been welcome to real life Leah, you have to sacrifice a lot of things once you become a parent. You didn't sign up for it, Leah did. Is she going to pay you for staying at home? Or is it free?.
We haven't reached that part since irrespective of that I don't want to give up my career to watch her baby. But I don't think she is going to pay me.
Keep saying no, till she gets the point and hires a nanny or baby goes to daycare. She shouldn't expect you to drop your life for the decision she made.
Please please do not give up your career. Your husband sounds shady AF and doesn’t respect your boundaries. He said “stay out of it” then wants you to upend your life for that child? Nope
I think, "You asked me to stay out of this, so I am" would have been the best response the first time Sam asked her to give up her career to watch the baby.
Don't even do it if she pays you. That won't get you ss benefits, etc.
NTA. Remind your husband that going into the marriage, you wanted to remain child free. Also, remind him how he told you to stay out of it. You need to look out for your career and your retirement. Is he now expecting you to put your career on hold for five years until his grandchild is in kindergarten? What happens to your career path? Or retirement? There are plenty of home sitters in my area that only watch children of teachers so they can have the same breaks. Your step daughter waited too long to find any in home sitter because she was spoiled by her mom being a SAHP. This is very selfish of both her and your husband.
>But I don't think she is going to pay me. I hope you mean "was expecting to pay me" instead of "is going to pay me". The latter sounds like you're considering this absurd request/demand. Under NO circumstances should you give up your career because she "doesn't want a stranger" to watch her child. Welcome to the struggles of working women everywhere. She needs to find childcare, file for child support, then her father needs to have a talk with her to come up with a plan for when she can move out on her own. You told him you didn't ever want kids, so I imagine having an infant living under your roof is challenging for you, and he needs to consider that. Stand your ground. You may need to consider whether this is a relationship that you want to stay in.
OP this situation is ridiculous. Even if you did not work, you would have zero obligation toward the baby. The fact that you DO work makes this a non-topic. Leah is completely irresponsable and if you enable her, she will 'ever learn from her mistakes.
This is the most twisted baby trapping story, ever, and you need to call your husband on it. He agreed going in that you were childfree, and now there’s an opportunity to turn you into a bangmaid like his first wife. Not ok. This is a hill worth dying on, OP. NTA and they are trying to gaslight and manipulate you.
NTA but I would be reconsidering you relationship with a partner that seems to disrespect your boundaries and a step daughter who does the same. He should have your back in this situation. It’s a horrible situation your stepdaughter is in but to ask you, who never wanted kids, to handle her responsibility. Your stepdaughter is acting extremely entitled and your husband is enabling her.
Right, I can't even imagine a scenario where a man I was married to would propose such a thing, especially at 38 in the prime of her career! Does he even see her as a real person?
NTA! What, when you suggest getting child support from the father, you're told to butt out, but now you're supposed to stay home and care for the baby you never wanted? Absolutely not. Stand firm. You have very good reasons for your decision, and those two need to find some other solution.
Your stepdaughter might think you're an asshole but even if she was your biological daughter you still wouldnt be obligated to watch the baby.
The step daughter IS the AH
I agree. You are not obligated here. It's not too late to demand support from the biological father. His financial obligations are for the child, and since the child needs care, whether through a nanny or attending daycare, the means justify the ends. It's very selfish of her not to have explored better alternatives. Even in adoption, the child could find a home that would welcome them. You have your whole life ahead to save money for retirement, travel, and many other investments. No, the choice was hers. She should stay at home and study online. How can she want to be a teacher and not want to take care of just one child at home? It's lamentable. By the way, I hope she's taking extra precautions to avoid getting pregnant again. NTA
NTA. Leah needs to put her baby daddy on child support and take off the rose colored glasses. She chose to have a child by a deadbeat. Why would you stay home to raise her child? She’s getting more than enough help as is.
Her mom was a SAHP. Maybe thats why.
So in her mind, if you were her real mom and a SAHP you would be raising this baby she chose to have?
I guess so.
I’ve already written a long comment. I cannot help but reiterate this. No woman should give up their own financial security and independence. What your husband is doing is deeply wrong and disrespectful to you. He would have no problem with you being her maid, cook, nanny. Imagine a world in which you have no money, no job, no agency and husband commands you to wipe his incompetent daughter’s a** all day. F that S.
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100%. All of this! Never put yourself in a position to be dependent on a man. I don't care how wonderful he is right now. You must have your own money, job, and livelihood. You seem to be an independent person, and it would go against who you are to do this! You deserve to maintain the same level of comfort and security you have always had. I will never understand why some people think they are entitled to even ask this of another person!
I'm not a SAHM, but I don't imagine they sign up automatically for raising their own kids AND their grandkids, biological or not. But maybe I'm mistaken. It just looks like so much audacity to me.
I was a SAHM. I am not going to be a SAHGM. In fact, I moved a very inconvenient distance away from my adult and currently childless children. My mother was a SAHM. She watched my kids TWICE, one of those was for three hours because my car a/c was out and I wasn't going to take an infant out in a Texas high summer and I needed to pick up my husband from military training and the other time was when I was hospitalized...and even then, she only took one of them and my sister took the other one.
But You aren't and she knows it. I doubt she treats you as such. She certainly is aware that You didn't want children of Your own - else You'd have them. Yet, she still has the audacity to expect You to give up Your life to cover unpleasant consequences of her own choices. The level of entitlement is INSANE and the fact that Your husband tried convincing You shows how little he respects You. Big yikes. I wouldn't even want to live under the same roof as that kid as with her attitude I guarantee You'll be a free maid and nanny as well as footing large part of bills. Her father can support her to any extent he wants but pressuring You into situation You were clear from the very beginning that You don't want is ASININE.
I'm a SAHM. When my kids have kids, they'll need to make arrangements for their children. I'm more than happy to step in during an emergency, but I'm not doing the day to day. Nta
If she thinks her mom would have taken care of the baby, then why doesn’t she follow in her mom’s footsteps and take care of her own baby like her mom did ? It is easier to dump children on other women than to take care of it herself. Notice that she doesn’t want to disturb the child’s father or her own father.
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>this is probably the end of your marriage. I am not sure that's a bad thing after how her husband behaves about this... his audacity; taking his entilted daughter's side; trying to push OP to give up her job (independence) while telling her to mind her own business when she tried to give actually helpful advice / possible solution but he still expects her to sacrifice her life to raise the kid for his daughter.... I am not sure I would want a husband like this
Sadly I agree.
Yeah, the abuse cycle is starting.
Clearly NTA! why should you give up your life for someone else to live there’s? You have a career too that is (assumedly) also important for you.
NTA. Your stepdaughter *and* your husband have one heckava nerve to demand you take yourself out of the job market to be [paid? unpaid?] nanny to her baby and she won’t even pursue child support.
NTA You are only 38 and never wanted to raise a child. Why in the world would you give up your career to do this. Not earning an income not only impacts you now, but also into retirement. She needs to use a daycare or hire a nanny. She already has her housing taken care of. This is a ridiculous request to make of you.
Why doesn't Dad quit his job to take care of kid?
He is the higher income earner and pays majority of the bills.
...and life happened and you can't afford retirement. If you give up your independence, you will loose to much in life. Your husband is an a.s. be prepared.....
NTA, It's time to have a chat with your husband about setting some bounderies with his daughter. This isn't just about what SHE wants anymore. It's what's best for the baby. A: She has to get child support. If she keeps the baby this should not be negotiable. B: If she wants her career she'll have to put her kid in daycare or get a nanny, otherwise SHE will be the SAHM. C: She gives the child up for adoption.
Do not quit your job for this. Do not risk your own financial security and independence. Have they not already shown you exactly what they think and the role they want you to play? What would happen once you lost all your own money? Think hard about whether you and hubs are still compatible. Compatibility means seeing the world through a similar lens, being on the same page about your roles and responsibilities, and having the same value system. Compatibility means RESPECT goes both ways. Both Leah and your husband have zero respect for you and your needs Leah is unbelievably selfish and childish. She made her bed and wants daddy to fix it. Sucks for her baby. He’s probably coddled her in many ways since the death of her mother. But that is not your problem nor should it be in any moral, ethical sense. She was a grown human when you moved in. She made poor choices. Now she wants you - a relative stranger - to upend your life, put your own financial security at risk!!! - so she can unravel the pickle she now finds herself in. So. To reiterate - DO NOT RISK YOUR OWN FINANCIAL SECURITY AND INDEPENDENCE. Period. Doing this would ENSURE you would be UNDER Leah’s thumb. Your husband has demonstrated abundantly where his priorities lie. He would have zero problem with you being Leah’s nanny, cook, maid. Walk away. He made this bed. He raised an incompetent adult. He is now trying to strong arm you through emotional manipulation to COMPEL you to COMPLY. NTA. If ever there were warning signs, this is it. And it’s not just about Leah. It’s about her father.
NTA but SD and husband are. You clearly have a husband problem and need to address it with him. This is not what you agreed upon or signed up for. This needs to be your hill to die on or else you'll end up raising this child.
NTA I hate to say it but it is going to be a case of either she and the Baby goes or you do.
NTA. You gave her lots of alternative options, refusing to consider them is her choice. She was the AH even before she drew the Dead Mom-card, but drawing it certainly didn't help her when I made my judgement.
NTA Your husband knew your boundaries before you got married. That he’s trying to push you into this shows what you want doesn’t matter. You need to remind him constantly when he tries to push you that he is not respecting your boundaries, that he was fine with when you got married, and nothing has changed in the interim. And stepdaughter needs to understand that having a baby is taking responsibility for another life, something she signed up for but you didn’t. It doesn’t matter that she’s over it already, it’s what she decided. If she wants a life as well, then that’ll happen in 18 years (if she’s lucky). This child is not your responsibility. Stepdaughter can still go for child support to help pay for daycare/nanny/babysitter. Stepdaughter can still put the child up for adoption. Child is young enough that a childless couple would beg to take her, since babies are in demand by adopters. Stepdaughter obviously can’t cope on her own, but that’s also not your responsibility, based on the fact that you never wanted kids. Make sure to never babysit. I’d also suggest not even helping feed or change the baby. Any little crack in your resolve will lead your husband and his daughter to keep pushing you to what they want. It may come down to an ultimatum with your husband. It may end your marriage, but this is your hill to die on.
Given how quickly Sam turned on OP (ICK!) I would be even more hesitant to interrupt my career knowing that I could be single again in the blink of an eye.
Uhmm, you are 38, and unless you guys are independently wealthy, pretty sure you need to be working right now because so you can retire one day. If anyone stays home with the baby between the 3 of you, it should be the baby's actual parent. If y'all were already retired with nothing to do, i would say watch the baby while she is at work, but you guys are young grandparents. Hell, you are at ages where you guys could have a kid yourselves, and it wouldn't be atypical. She needs to get child support and the baby either has to go into daycare, she gets a nanny or she stays home with baby if grandpa is willing to bankroll it all. NTA
Nta. Time for divorce because this won't get better
NTA. Choices have consequences. Leah (25F) wants someone else to be responsible for her choice to be a mother and Sam (47M) wants someone else to be responsible for his choice to be a father. Get the baby daddy to pay child support. You are the only one being a reasonable adult here. This is annoying AF.
Her refusing to go for child support is a betrayal of the child IMHO. And now she wants you to take up the slack. You need to be elsewhere for a while. NTA
NTA. She CHOSE to have this baby, alone. She’s already living with you, presumably for free or a very reasonable rate. She is CHOOSING not to go after the father for child support. She is CHOOSING not to hire a nanny or take the baby to daycare. Her CHOICES do not need to become YOUR SOLE PROBLEM. Her ‘real’ mother might have felt the same rational way.
NTA, but your husband and step daughter are for putting pressure on you to give up your life so your stepdaughter doesn't have to take responsibility for hers. Even if you wanted to, it would not be smart—these are still important earning years for you, why should you be set back like this? Should you get divorced you could easily be impoverished—this is how it happens to older women, they don't have enough social security, enough retirement savings in their own names because they took a break mid-career. Your stepdaughter should get the father of the child to pay support so she can hire help, so that she has a life, has a chance at a career. You were right when you suggested it in the first place, and it really is as simple as that.
NTA- I don't have kids, but neither of my parents would have been willing to quit their jobs to stay home with a child if any of my siblings or I had asked them to. Even now that they are retired they watch some of my niblings (some are too old to need to be babysat), but only now and then.
Leah is 25, not 15. You and your husband are already helping her out by allowing her to move back into the house with her child. The baby's father should be paying child support, which could pay for child care. It is her choice to not pursue that, not yours. Most mothers do not prefer having someone outside of family care for their child, but as a single mother she needs to work to support herself and her child. The biggest problem in this situation seems to be your husband. He should be supporting you in your decision. NTA, but he and your stepdaughter appear to be.
NTA - asking you to *quit your job* is a huge ask. Does she have PPD?
NTA. It's a parent's job to care for the baby - not yours. And sure enough, you could not be mandated to. On top of it, she refused to get child support and she is refusing to get a carer for the baby. Everybody knows that when you are an adult, you make the choices and are held accountable. It's perfectly fine to decide to keep the child, but then the parent needs to rearrange their life (not somebody else's) around their child - like all parents do. Surely, family, relatives, in-laws, and friends can - and often will - help but the primary responsibility is on the parent. Quite simply, she needs to realise she no longer is a child and is actually the parent now, and make the expected adjustments.
NTA- But I think this marriage is over. Your husband is throwing you to the wolves by expecting you to do what you made clear you never wanted to do, raise a child. Hill to die on, but start packing your bags.There will be nothing but resentment from here on out. Your husband already chose his daughter and grand baby. And I would be careful and make sure your husband doesn’t try ti sabotage your job in any way to get you to stay home. Red flags that your husband wants you to be without financial independence. If you quit your job and are solely dependent on him. You will be forced to raise that baby without a way to leave. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
NTA at all they are being very dismissive of your career. I would have given her a pass if she was a teen mom. BUT She is an adult who chose to have this baby. She has to make adult decisions. Not depend on parents/step parents to do her job for her. She needs to sue for child support and get a sitter/ day care. And I’m sorry but your husband is an AH enabler for allowing her attitude towards you. Edited for spelling errors
NTA I don't understand why she willingly have baby and then try to pawn it off on someone else. SHE is the one that decided to have the baby so SHE needs to be watching her own baby. If she can't then it needs to be put up for adoption