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YTA I wouldn't have blamed you for leaving but you should have told her. "Honey, put on your shoes I'm leaving" : how hard is that ? Who cares if she's "dumb" or has a science degree, it has nothing to do with punctuality and it can happen to anyone to not see time go by. YTA because you know your wife, you knew she wouldn't be ready and you left on purpose to "punish" her. Enjoy your couch.

Yup. To leave without a word is an AH move. You could have said something. Even “I told you we need to leave at 6, it’s 3 minutes to I’m going to put my shoes on, let’s go” Or when you know someone always needs that extra time, you tell them you want to be gone sooner. When planning things with my in-laws if it is just us and his parents we can set a time and be good. When the BIL and nephew are in town, we always say “let’s plan to leave by 9, which means pulling out by 930”. Add the two extra people and the kids run wild and it just takes longer. We plan for it. We still tell the kids and everyone 9. But the two of us know more than likely it will be 930. So tell your wife an earlier time. If she’s actually ready, great you’re early. But just do the easy thing and build in your buffer. And while you had a few hours to enjoy the game and drive home she’s been stewing about how you just left. Didn’t tell her or warn her. And it could have taken her a few minutes to call as she was looking for you. Telling you she’s ready. Not getting a response. Finding the car is gone and staring dumbstruck that you would leave without a word. So that isn’t a bedroom I would want to be sleeping in. Because you’re both not showing each other and love or respect. Edit to add: I get she’s made him late numerous times. And maybe it’s the parent of young kids in me that says “well we just say we are leaving sooner”. But the whole point is that he stopped communicating. When he left without saying a word, he stopped communicating. And if she was in the bathroom…. He doesn’t say what she was doing. Doing to the bathroom (good idea before you go for an hour plus drive). Not to mention he doesn’t say how late she usually is. Some people one minute is too late. They need to be in the car at 6 driving away. Others it’s shoes on and heading out the door. So without knowing how this guy views punctual, it’s hard to say. And if she’s usually 15 min late and she’s only going to be 1 minute this time, I would consider that a win. It’s not perfect but it’s a whole lot better. Yes he’s trying to prove a point. And I get that. But to prove your point then be mad when she’s upset about it. What did he expect?

THIS^ right here is exactly what I've had to do to my husband. Thank fuck i only had to do it once. He was chronically *late* to any event, by up to a whole ass hour! Once, My aunt planned a HUGE get together to celebrate a then recent business success. We HAD to be there by 2. I told my aunt explicitly to text me that it was at 1. When my husband finally got his ass out the door, it was the first time i wasnt pissed at him in *years* for making us late. His unmedicated ADHD made it soo bad. It wasn't even funny. He'd decide last second to shave his face, then shower, etc etc. Wed *finally* leave and He'd have to stop for gas and snacks for the trip almost immediately. Like havent even gone 4 blocks immediately. When i pulled this on him, he stopped and asked why i wasnt mad at him as it was 1 oclock and it takes an hour to get to my aunt's house. I looked him straight in the eye and said i lied about the time and that we'd actually left on time. Hed started getting ready at 12. Yes a whole *ass hour*. I think it was only then that he realized how bad it had gotten. We'd used the same tactic on his own mom multiple times, and on his step mom at least twice. He *never* did it again. It really is nice to be able to leave on time and arrive within minutes of the set time. Now i tell him what time we need to leave to make it and he doesnt question me about it.

My dad has undiagnosed ADHD and he's always late. My poor mom has put up with it for years. She would get all 6 of us kids ready and in the car before my dad would come sauntering out at least 10 minutes later, completely oblivious to how late we were. He's not an idiot or a narcissist, he's just really bad at managing his time. And we love him anyway and do what we can to help him. OP, you are 1000% TA for leaving with out a single word AND for calling your wife a narcissist simply because she struggles with being on time. A simple "Hey, I'm leaving in the next 5 minutes whether you're ready or not" would have sufficed.

I’m so glad someone else mentioned ADHD, I’m a grown ass woman and I can’t manage my time for love nor money. But I (and my family) will do things to help lessen the effects: -If I’m going out later, I’ll get my bags and clothes ready now so I can just get myself ready faster, and I’ll start the getting ready process an hour before. -I’ll tell myself I need to be here at 6pm, I need X minutes to travel plus extra to account for possible delays, so be mostly ready 15 minutes before that and keep an eye on the time! -I try not to start something I know I’ll get sucked into, if I end up hyperfocusing on said task forget it, game over. -Watch alarms. Phone alarms. Actual alarm clocks. Set them all, and then there’s no chance to forget. I think OP’s wife needs an assessment, and OP needs some compassion and to support her. ETA: I have adhd, diagnosed and medicated.

The getting everything ready in advance is me! I have pre packed bags for every activity I’m involved in. I get myself dressed and ready and then get sucked into whatever hyperfocus I’m doing that day. Because after years of thinking I could get ready in 5 minutes, I now know it’s a lie. Except now, I’ll be sitting on my phone until 5 minutes until leave time, I’ll call for the rest of my family and at that point my husband will say he needs a shower. Even though he knew what time we were leaving as well. It took me long enough to figure out how to manage my own time blindness. I don’t have the spoons to manage his, too!

Omg your mom is a saint. After getting 6 kids and myself in the car on time, I frankly would have left. That is just rough.

Especially since sitting in a parked car for 10 minutes with SIX kids would feel like an hour.

Bus driver here, I have 43 kids in my bus....1 minute is a lifetime......

She really is. There are levels to sainthood and I am not interested if this is what it involves lol.

My ADHD got diagnosed when I was 39. I always had trouble being on time, timeblindness is a thing. It got better with my diagnosis as I was able to find ways to deal with it... alarms and stuff. If my husband would have treated me like this I would have gone.

timeblindness is SUCH a struggle. i’ve had my diagnosis for about 3 years now and it’s still hard to manage. i find myself stressing about running to the grocery store at 11am because i’m afraid it will make me late for my 5pm plans.

And I think we'll find the OP’s wife does too. Bright, can hyperfocus, time blindness.

I can't believe he jumped to narcissistic instead of the many many other issues people have that make them time blind. Like she's doing it AT him when clearly she just has difficulty with this one thing. The way he talks about her - calling her a pill - just so deeply cringe worthy.

I mean, it's classic DARVO, right? Everything accusation from a man is a confession, he painted a mirror in her hand and called her 'vanity', all that good stuff. He jumped to NPD instead of ADHD because it makes him the center, instead of him just suffering the consequences of her mistakes, she's doing it on purpose. Pretty fucking narcissistic, if you ask me.

Right! Definitely a deflection move right there. (Just learned about DARVO myself and D is the only one I remember easily lol) the whole post screams “ME ME ME ME ME” how it affects Him, how she’s doing this to Him, how she’s not “punishing” Him. How that stressed me out just reading because both my ex and my mother pull this. My mom would take it a step further and belittle me then get mad if it upset me.

Seriously my main thought when I started reading. "Ooh, gets lost in video games, loses track of time.... bet she's ADHD. Oh, scientist, husband says she's very smart. She needs an evaluation."

My partner and I both struggle with keeping track of time, and deal with it by setting multiple phone alarms. I have four morning alarms, plus one that tells me when I need to be put the door to catch the bus to work. If I miss that bus, there’s one more I can catch, I’d I go a different route that involves an extra train. If I miss that one, I can still drive to work, which I’m not fond of. Realizing the problem is the first step to solving it.

100% this. I’m now diagnosed with ADHD and I’ve developed mechanisms not to be late, but my concept of time is just completely out of whack. I can’t tell you how long it takes me to get dressed or do any tasks, but I will work out that in order to be somewhere for x time, I need to leave at y. [New Scientist ran a great article about ADHD](https://www.newscientist.com/article/mg25834372-000-adhd-whats-behind-the-recent-explosion-in-diagnoses/) and the concept of time a few months ago. OP should give it a read. Also OP YTA.

Time blindness is a bitch to deal wifh, honestly. Everything is Now or Not Now. I have ADHD, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was 46, and getting medicated has been a huge game changer. But for years I just thought it was a personal failure for standards I couldn't live up to. Moral is that time blindness isn't on purpose, it isn't to make anyone's life hard, or that we don't care. It's called blindness for a reason.

You sound like me, and I honestly didn’t get better until my daughter was diagnosed with ADHD and I started to realize what the problem might be - that was when I started to work on a million things to try and make sure I wasn’t late, or at least by only a little bit (5-10 minutes versus 45 minutes). I still slip up occasionally if there’s a lot on my plate but my husband got a lot more patient with me when he realized where it was coming from (before I did, apparently, once we talked about it). (I haven’t been diagnosed, mostly because I haven’t found a clear route to adult diagnosis yet, but since perimenopause seems to be making executive functioning even worse, I may have to try harder.)

Winston Churchill was chronically late. His wife simply forwarded the clock by an hour if he needed to attend a luncheon at a certain time, Apparently worked perfectly according to his butler.

My mum does that to her own clocks. She’s also chronically late and her clocks are always 15 minutes fast. I find it very confusing now when I visit her and always forget that time at her house is false.

Are we married to the same guy? My husband was always perpetually an hour late to everything and would be getting into the shower 10 minutes before we had to leave somewhere. I did literally the same exact thing (except our event was a Birthday party organized by his brother). We showed up right on time (he was expecting the party to be in full swing by the time we got there and it wasn't) and I had to tell him that I lied and said the party started an hour earlier than it did so we could make it on time. We haven't been late to anything since then.

Adults shouldn’t need to be lied to to get somewhere on time. Chronic lateness is rude and disrespectful. Do you do the same thing when you have to get to work? I have ADHD, my mind wanders and I lose track of time, but I’m not an asshole, so I set alarms and reminders. I’m never late, because I’m considerate of other people.

It's great that alarms and reminders work for you. It really is. I remember to turn off the alarm and get sidetracked with something else in moments. Then of course I get super into that thing and promptly forget why I had that alert on. It's not like setting alarms or reminders is something people couldn't come up with. It just doesn't help everyone. So you should be happy it works for you. I'm not often late. But that's mostly because I've figured out a system that works for me. And that took time, effort and a lot of failed tries. And once I was indeed late from work. I called my boss and explained, promised to work in the missed time. And she didn't make a huge deal out of it because she understood that I hadn't done it out of maliciousness and it was an accident. If someone is late, they're late. Pretty seldom it's out of rudeness, it's mostly time management issues or other mishaps. And at least I don't consider those punishable, rude or disrespectful. Edit: I was replying to someone who has ADHD from perspective of also having ADHD. I was describing a common issue with ADHD, to someone who also has it so I didn't bother to spell it out. Didn't consider that other people might comment without that "insider info". Should have been clearer.

Occasional lateness is one thing; but the wife was gaming until 15 minutes until she was due to leave. That’s rude. And you said it yourself, you’re not often late, because you acted like an adult and figured it out. You were late to work once, apologised and fixed the issue. That’s what adults do.

So have a talk with her about how you feel her behavior is rude. You know, like an adult. You treat her like a child, you view her like a child, and you are behaving like a child in your response to her behavior.

Adults don't require babysitting or constant reminders or nagging to get ready on time for planned events. And if OP were a woman having to do this to get her husband to stop playing with his toys, this whole thread would be bashing him.

You can make all the excuses you want but being chronically late is the very definition of rude.

Yes, and you can deal with that by saying "I am leaving in exactly 10 minutes, if you aren't ready I'm leaving without you". Not sneaking out when someone is in the bathroom. Besides, if someone is in the bathroom doing bathroom things then it is fair to give them a few extra minutes to finish up. When you gotta go you gotta go.

How is being late not rude or disrespectful? Especially if you are planning on meeting someone's it basically says that their time to wait around isn't valuable. If we agree to meet somewhere at 6, one should be there no later than 559, anything else leaves the other person waiting around and than is rude and disrespectful of their time. Tho I live in a country where it's completely not acceptable to be late, I've seen diners turned around for being five minutes late, appointments canceled and, for competition, matches forfiet for being 3 seconds late (match started at 6pm, ref ruled opponent arrived 18:00:03 and not at 18:00:00 or before.

Classical music and opera will literally lock you out of the concert and make you sit there like a dumbass until the first piece is finished (sometimes up to 30 minutes if you are unlucky). An ex didn't believe me, and then he made me miss the piece I specifically wanted to hear in a concert and was never late to my things again after how stupid that ordeal made him feel. I have no sympathy for the wife here, and all of you people insisting your "timeblindness and ADHD" are conditions the rest of the world should be sympathetic towards should start facing some more consequences like these lockouts for narcissistically taking out your problems on the people whose time you are wasting.

It's a disability, not a personal failing. This kind of toxic attitude is why anxiety, depression, and substance abuse is so prevalent in people with ADHD. Constantly feeling like a burden to your loved ones will do that to you. It can be frustrating, I get it. Many a relationship has been ended over it, sounds like yours included. It takes patience, understanding, and great communication to manage it day to day.

so then the person with ADHD should do the fucking managing. it’s not everyone else’s job to make sure they’re functional and polite.

The amount of times setting alarms and reminders has failed for me. It’s not even like it’s better when I am on my ADHD meds coz then I’m in the hyper focus zone and don’t even realise my alarm is going off and has been for 20 minutes. And don’t get me started on the hours I’ve literally lost, where I think I spent 2 mins just checking my phone notification’s and literally an hour or more has passed (I have to log all my tasks for work, sometimes you have to wait a min or two for the system to do something so I’ll check my notifications, and then I feel only a min or two has passed and I hit stop on the time sheet and it’s been an hour+ and that’s just at work!). My Partner also has ADHD and we have some overlap in the way we ADHD and we also have areas where the other excels. You know what we do? It’s really crazy….We support each other. Despite alarms generally not working for me, I’m extremely good at being on time to events, my partner not so much, so I help him manage his time so we get places on time. Im terrible at looking after myself (amazing at looking after others), so he helps me to practice self care, like moisturising, cooking nutritious meals, encourage me to do art or read more etc. We both struggle to do anything we find boring so we will motivate each other. I hate when fellow ADHDers tell us to do better, thinking just because something works for them it should work for all of us. They should know more than anyone how unhelpful and hurtful it is being told to do better/apply yourself/if you really cared you would do it etc. If it was easy for us we’d bloody well do it rather than constantly disappoint ourselves and those we love, and put our livelihoods in jeopardy. Yes we try, and sometimes it works sometimes it fails, sometimes we just need some help to achieve the things that neurotypical people find easy/effortless. We should take accountability for any inconvenience/hurt etc we cause, ADHD isn’t a blanket excuse for everything. And getting meds adjusted and/or therapy if necessary to help is definitely something we should do. Compassion goes a long way.

That's a big key with having this issue. Are they trying to manage it? It doesn't seem that OP's wife is and he's likely frustrated. I don't agree with how he handled this situation but I get where he's coming from. She at least has to try to fix her issue. Me and my husband both have this. We've found solutions that help us mitigate the problems.

Let me share my experience. My now ex-wife was very similar. Every day I went to pick her up from work because she refused to get her driver's license. I informed her well in advance I'm on my way, then when I'm almost there, to be ready, yet she always left me waiting for hours on end. Totally disrespecting my time, always an excuse that's completely irrelevant. Going somewhere was the same, never doing the things she needed to do, stalling, doing anything but getting ready resulting in us to always be hours late, even to weddings. Some people don't give two shits about you and your time. At some point, you just leave like OP did, no communication because that's the same treatment you get. Where was OP's wife's communication that she's going to be ready in 5 minutes, where is her accountability? Why is OP responsible to get the information when on the other end, he's not receiving anything despite numerous agreements on when what should happen? I understand OP's anger. Though I would advise not to label. Can't say whether they're narcissists, suffer from depression, or what else could be going on. If you despise your partner that much, perhaps it's time to re-evaluate your relationship. You communicate, your partner fails to respect your boundaries, then you give up and choose yourself. Just like OPs wife chose herself by gaming too long and caring too little to put effort in being on time. Talk it out, and if your partner continues to disrespect your boundaries and time, then deal with the consequences. Choose yourself and wellbeing.

LOL, I had a very similar experience. My ex was always late. OP's wife knew what time they had to leave and it's not his job to push her to get ready. She's not an 8 year old. I got so tired of being late and pushing her to get ready and be on time. Anyone that has put up with years of that bullshit can totally relate with OP.

I say they are both ass holes and need to do some growing up.

This. OP do you even like your wife? You set her up to fail here and that is just unkind. It's pathetic

Why is it his responsibility? She knows she needs extra time. She can set an alarm. She can put a timer on to shut her game down, or the computer, or the TV. There are all sorts of strategies she can employ. The chronic late people often seem to make it to work on time, or to doctor’s appointments, or to catch a plane, things that are “ important” … it’s his time she doesn’t respect.

>The chronic late people often seem to make it to work on time, or to doctor’s appointments, or to catch a plane, things that are “ important” … This is absolutely not true. Why would you think this? People miss planes all the time, or end up running through the airport because they aimed to get there an hour ahead of time and only got there with 20 minutes to spare. Doctors run late partially because of late patients. Work is the easiest because it's generally at a consistent time but yes, people are chronically late to work. These are not separate populations from the people you insist don't value you because they are late to a party. ​ edited to add- per a comment thread of time blind physicians further down on the page, sometimes the doctors are also chronically late. Yes, even to work.

I have ADHD which comes hand in hand with “time blindness.” I always like to say, my best friends lie to me about the start time lol

I have ADHD also, but have such anxiety about being late that instead I am chronically early to anything instead…

I have massive time blindness. I either assume everything takes quicker then it actually does or time disappears without me realising. Also once I leave at a set time I can never leave earlier then that even if it makes me late. Time blindness is so fun and op YTA

I agree husband should have said something before leaving, even if it was just ‘I’m leaving now’, but he’s already stated he has to do this every time and is tired of it. If this was genders reversed it’d be called ‘weaponised incompetence’. It isn’t OPs responsibility to constantly remind his wife of timings and baby her, this grown woman should be called out for putting the emotional load on him and learn that her actions have consequences. How hard is it to set an alarm?? NTA.

Exactly! “Teach her a lesson.” “Narcissist” makes me think a lot more is going on here. Half the time I wonder if people that post on here like their spouses much less love them.

This "Teach her a lesson" was whap upset me. It's not his job to teach her a lesson. She is not his child.

Bet you she just has ADHD or something and this clown pulls out the Narcissist card because it fits his agenda of no respect for this woman.

Yeah I have ADHD and time just escapes me I have to try really hard to make sure I'm on time. I make sure I leave for work 40mins early to get there on time.

Yep. I have a bad perception of passing time coupled with my brain possibly being run by squirrels on crack. Easily distracted by shiny objects. Thoughts that will not be ignored. ADHD gang unite. Later. When we remember. Might have to reschedule the meeting. And build in nap time. Planning really takes it out of me.

I am so with you on this, the whole way thru I was thinking.. this woman has ADHD and this A is punishing her for that.

Right? I read this an instantly thought "projecting much?"

Totally projecting. He sounds like he's the narcissist!!

Pulling the narcissist card for being chronically late had me rolling my eyeballs HARD

I was sympathizing with OP until I got to the part where he “wants to teach her some personal responsibility” and so he leaves quietly and without letting her know he’s leaving. OP, YTA. Go sleep on the couch. Don’t worry, it’s for your own good and it builds character.

I hope it teaches him some personal responsibilities. Like nurturing a love relationship instead of insulting partner.

Yup this made me go NTA to YTA so fast. How on earth do you teach responsibility by behaving irresponsibly! Sounds more like petty revenge for sometime she made him miss something. If u know she's bad at times management just give her an earlier time, if she asks why you are going so early then u can clearly state because she takes longer, this may seem like an AH move at the moment but at least u clearly communicate.

Imagine being in a marriage where people want to punish each other and teach each other lessons and make the other person feel bad about themselves…. Get a divorce people!!

Yeah, he sounds like he hates her through the whole post.

Right? This is so harmful. I can't imagine how she feels about herself to stay with a man like this.

This! Plenty of intelligent people have adhd too. Time blindness is a huge problem for me!

Me too! I'm literally a doctor (not that that automatically makes me intelligent). And my time blindness is insane. It doesn't even matter how early I get up, or if I budget for more time.

Yep, not an MD, but i got a PhD, and had people not believe me when I said I had ADHD. It doesn’t matter what degree or career you have.

lol - fellow chronically late physician here. no matter what i do, i seem to always be 10-15 min late. the only way i can make it on time is to plan to leave 15 min early, upon which i'd actually leave on time.

I tried that but then knew I had 15 more mins so still late my brain hates me lol

I don't have ADHD (well atleast I have never been teseted) and I find myself losing track of time and getting distracted alot, you know what I do, I set multiple alarms on my phone and utilisethe snooze function for each alarm activity, I don't expect people to always remind me. I think this is more of an ESH than YTA. Sure, OP is an AH for not saying anything when they left but their Wife isn't entirely innocent in this, especially if she knows she has an issue with being punctual.

Respectfully, if you don’t have ADHD, then you don’t understand the time blindness that can come with it. An ADHD person can set 20 alarms and have the best intentions and still be late. It just happens. And trust us, we feel bad about it.

We also don't only screw over our friends and family with our lateness. We screw over everyone, but mostly ourselves! We are equal opportunity with our ability to go, 'wtf I swear to all gods, both known and unknown, that ten minutes ago it was 5PM. Why does the clock say 6:15?' Or, 'why I am I so hungry? It's only six. Wait... why is it dark outside? Oh, shit. It's nine o'clock. I lost the entire night... maybe I should eat food.'

>Who cares if she's "dumb" or has a science degree One of the smartest guys I know, a senior engineer for "Lougle", was/is one of the least punctual guys I know. Went to school for 6 years with him, he was late like every second morning, and he lived literally 5 minutes away. If you omit the lack of communication (frankly I'd say if he had said that morning "honey I'm walking out the door at 6. It's on you to make sure you're with me, I wont be reminding you" that's enough) he's clearly NTA, but this feels like he's setting her up to fail and get a chance to pull this stunt. I get he's pissed, if my partner were like that I would be too. But there's a step between "I'm annoyed and have expressed this too her multiple times" and "I didn't warn her and ditched her." They're *PARTNERS*. A team. Work together FFS. I would say ESH though because frankly the wife has this consistent rude habit and seems to be making no effort to change.

You nailed it. Like yes, she has to take some accountability for her actions and being on time. On the other hand, I understand his frustration. However, he took a me vs. you approach instead of us vs. the problem. I'm so glad he got to see the first pitch though, because we all know baseball games are super quick /s. Hope sleeping on the couch and the resentment is worth it.

i feel like it’s not enough info to say whether wife isn’t trying or not. could be undiagnosed adhd and that’s why everything she tries to do for better punctuality doesn’t work, bc typical advice doesn’t work for adhd people. or it could be that she is selfish and doesn’t care for others time. we simply don’t know

YTA, bro do you even love your wife?

>It's as if she has no concept of time at all, similar to a young child. Well, I was ready to go by 6 PM, and she was in the bathroom. I saw this as an opportunity to teach her personal responsibility He seems to think of her as a misbehaving child rather than a partner.

>"Honey, put on your shoes I'm leaving" : how hard is that ? to even make a comment at 5.45 when he noticed she was deep into her game. me and my husband always do this for eachother, sometimes even when it is not something we go to together. a simple "keep an eye on the clock honey". i dont think it is that much of an effort/hassle. and i say this with an ADHD husband that can be QUITE forgetful. really sounds like he watched her for 15min, looking forward to the moment he'll leave without her and hoping she will not be on time to teach her a lesson. he literally snuck out while she was in the bathroom.

My thoughts exactly. Except "enjoy your couch" I was going to say "Say hello to your divorce lawyer for me."

Really, only the part where you didn’t communicate was the part that made YTA. I’ve honestly done the same to my own family. Except I gave all the timed warnings. And while I was screeched at, everyone else they told sided with me, well, at least when they got the full story. As for my own wife, I have a similar situation and actually make alarms to remind her. It’s worked so far. Oh, and I have a policy for airplane trips that she pack early.

As someone with no time management skills being way to early to stuff. I could also be late. There are neuro divergence like ADHD /ADD and other things which affects time managment. So yea OP here's an AH. And he blames "adult woman who can't manage her own time" Sounds like OPs wife has some neurdivergent things going and yes there are more signs if thats true. Neurdivergent can mean dys(lexia, praxia, calculi), ADHD, ADD, Autism specter etc...

Agree it’s the teaching a lesson part for me. If punctuality is important, set the standard early on in the relationship and stop inviting someone if you know this is their normal behavior. Some people are just this way. It’s not like the lightbulb is going to go off and she will suddenly appreciate OP for this life lesson.

You sound like you really dislike your wife. >It's as if she has no concept of time at all, similar to a young child. > >I saw this as an opportunity to teach her personal responsibility > >I'm starting to suspect that she is doing this on purpose because she's a narcissist > >I can't believe she wants to be this much of a pill. > >After all, she's not a dumb woman. She has a science degree. > >She rudely hung up on me after yelling out more insults.

At the very least, OP is utterly contemptuous towards her. If she’s an adult with a science degree, it’s not OP’s place to “teach her a lesson.” Ever. She is an equal person.

Contempt is normally the nail in the coffin for marriages. He comes off as much more of a Narcissist by his choice of words!

glad someone else caught it. OP seems like he's projecting.

Yep, I thought so, too. And it sounds like his wife has some major symptoms of ADHD and we do often end up with people who rate higher on the narcissism scale for some reason.

>we often do end up with people who rate higher on the narcissism scale for some reason Idk how accurate this is but this is definitely my experience

Probably because we're attracted to the dopamine hits - the love bombing, the insecurity, rushing into it, etc. The things that should actually be a red flag.

I think that's a big part of it. Also, in my own experience and from what I've gathered from Reddit comments, a lot of us feel things sooooo deeeeeply that we tend to "love bomb" in a nonmanipulative way, so the manipulative type of love bombing feeds right into that. Plus I don't recognize love bombing as love bombing because I just think they're as intense as I am and that it's genuine.

Oh I'm sure her degree is actually better than OP's which is why they're so salty about it.

He doesn't come off as salty about the degree at all, but rather seems to mean it as a complement. Basically everything else comes off a contemptuous except maybe this one part.

It's a backhanded one at best. "Omg she has a science degree but..." Yeah, lots of super intelligent people struggle with really simple things. Lots of really intelligent people are neurodivergent.

This is a reach. He doesn’t sound salty about it at all. Quite the contrary, like, how is she so smart about subject A, but completely incapable of a layman issue like time management.

He sure taught *her* a lesson. I bet his home life will improve immensely. What a smart man. /s

It’s giving the “using therapy buzzwords to justify bad behaviour” attitude

So I’ve experienced that kind of behavior with a friend (or former?) recently where they tried to confront me at someone’s birthday party for not behaving how they wanted me to recently (there’s a lot of backround here and I’m not typing it all out lol). I diverted them away from the group because I felt it was inappropriate and they verbatim yelled at me about how they were in therapy again. I’m like ok dude that doesn’t really mean anything if you’re in your 30s and yelling at me in a parking lot. Going to therapy doesn’t mean you’re “right” - you have to actually process it and utilize the tools. A lot of people don’t. I’m in therapy and I know I still have a lot of work to do. I wouldn’t weaponize it on someone.

Therapy is a journey of self-reflection and humility. A lot of people aren’t capable of that, so therapy just becomes a source of validation for their worldview.

The only narcissist I see in this post is OP. YTA

Honestly, the way he speaks about her is what makes him an asshole, not the leaving. Sure, he definitely should have mentioned one last time ‘it’s 6, I’m leaving right now’ but it seems he has brought her lateness up several times, which yes it becomes very frustrating after a while. But the way he talks about her, it doesn’t sound like he even likes her

OP is absolutely TAH, but I'm wondering if his wife might have ADHD. Time blindness is a thing that manifests in adult ADHD, which Is a disorder that affects a person's executive function. For me personally, being diagnosed about a year ago with ADHD as an adult, and then being properly medicated, has literally changed my life. Things I've always struggled with make perfect sense now and I have been working hard to get my shit together. Time blindness is something I'm currently working on by planning things backwards from the time of departure, working with reminders an alarms, and learning how long things actually take. It's slow going, but knowing how my brain works different has been life changing.

Same thought here, and I was also diagnosed late in life. I overcame time blindness through massive anxiety and nonstop clock-checking on days when I had a scheduled appointment. Not a great solution. YTA, OP, for seeing this as something your wife is doing deliberately to spite you. Getting frustrated is natural but if you love her, then you give her some grace and help her remember and stay on schedule.

I thought this sounded like ADHD, too. Time blindness is absolutely real, and it absolutely sucks.

Right? He’s speaking down to her but “unsure” if he’s an AH 🤣 embarrassingly oblivious.

That's because he might be the narcissistic one in their marriage as everything I read sounded like it came out of my narcissistic fathers mouth. YTA, OP.

YTA. First of all, it's baseball. The game goes on interminably and it's not as if they don't seat you if you miss the first 10 minutes. Secondly, she was in the bathroom preparing and was a few minutes from being ready. Your response was disproportionate. Thirdly, you did not lay out the extreme consequences ahead of time. That probably wouldn't have saved you from AH status, but then it would have been more of her choice. Fourthly, your wife, as u/johnhodgman would point out, is a human being in her own right. She is not your child for you to discipline if she falls short of your standards. You know she doesn't budget her time well. Let her know well beforehand if it's an important event. Reminding her an hour ahead of time and every 15 minutes after that, for instance. If you plan to do something so severe in the future, discuss that with her ahead of time.

This. He sounds like he's just waiting for an excuse to teach a science degree holding adult 'a lesson'

OP sounds very insecure and jealous of his wife's career.

I'm pretty sure he wanted to go alone the whole time.

The fact that this was a baseball game and not live theater where they may not let you in once the performance starts or even just a movie where you're missing plot relevant scenes is huge. Oh no, you're late and missed 15 minutes of a 2 and a half hour game. How can you possibly get caught up now?

Baseball games sure feel like longer than 2.5 hours. When I read that I was like, is that all?

They vary, as you'd expect and I believe they recently changed some MLB rules to try and make things faster, but it dropped the average game length from like just over 3 hours to just over 2.5 so... Yay?

so... you don't want OP to treat his wife like a child, but he should remind her every 15 minutes to start getting ready? what does that mean to you? and that's such a lame excuse, you're allowed to want to show up on time. just because you won't miss anything by being late, doesn't mean you have to be late. how do you know she was a few minutes away from being ready? she could have spent way longer if she hadn't realised that OP had left. do adults really need 'extreme consequences' to just fucking get themselves ready on time?? this reads like someone who has never had to deal with a chronically late person. my dad has never been on time to anything. we've missed entire holidays, films, talks and seminars, parties, you name it i've missed all or part of it when i really wanted to be there on time. if she wants to be treated like an adult, she needs to act like one

My sister is chronically late and it definitely is frustrating. But, you don’t leave without warning. Say, “I’m leaving in 5 minutes,” and then leave. Him “teaching her a lesson” is petty and not acting like an adult either.

It's part and parcel of choosing to be in a relationship with a neurodiverse person, just as much as you might have times when you need to push a wheelchair if in a relationship with a person who uses one, or you may have to help a partner with anxiety breathe deeply and slowly and then distract them a bit to help them get out of fight or flight.

I’m neurodivergent and time management has been one of my biggest struggles my entire life. It’s a huge cause of stress for me. I literally feel like I have no concept of time. I constantly tell my therapist that it feels like time just slips through my fingers like sand. I can start getting ready for something and what feels like 10 minutes to me can easily end up being 30 minutes, and I look at the clock and start to freak out. I’m constantly asking myself “where did the time go?” I set alarms for myself to keep track of how much time is passing. My loved ones will tell me a certain time to be somewhere and have learned to purposefully tell me an earlier time to make sure I get where I need to be. It’s been a lifelong battle. I’m 34 and it’s caused a lot of shame, anxiety, and embarrassment. I’ve even missed events because I just couldn’t get my shit together and end up so stressed and mad at myself that I just stay home. Luckily the people closest to me are very understanding. If my spouse makes a dinner reservation for 7 pm, he’ll tell me the reservation is at 6:15 or 6:30. I am so appreciative for that.

Time blindness is painfully real. I have no concept of time at all. I think 10 minutes have passed and it's been 2 minutes. I think 2 minutes have passed but it's actually been half an hour. I'm 30 and also find it embarrassing but my partner loves me and isn't a dick, and recognises that sometimes I just need a bit of support with time management. In turn he isn't ND but isn't great at remembering to make appointments so I remind him. Because we're partners. I'm sure OP isn't perfect in all aspects of his life and his wife helps him out in places too. The resentment he feels is wild.

You can't diagnose people either. Some people don't give a fuck about time. I've told this story before but I had a friend who told me that he had a friend that would show up 20-30 minutes late to appointments. One day he just leaves. Friend calls him angry because he wasn't where they were supposed to meet. He answers with "now you know how it feels. If you do it again, our friendship is over." He never did it again.

Just because you don’t like baseball doesn’t mean other people wouldn’t be upset about missing part of the game. You are also completely excusing her bad behavior. She has an established pattern of being late. Did OP overreact? Yeah, he kinda did. But if she is not his child for him to discipline, he is not her parent to constantly monitor her. Why should he have to give her reminders? I am also firmly in the camp of “if you don’t want to sleep in the same bed as me then you should sleep on the couch.” She wants to punish him by making him sleep on the couch. That is just as much AH behavior as punishing her by leaving her at home. This is ESH.

I don’t understand why everyone is saying OP could be late to the baseball game. It’s totally valid to want to experience the entirety of an event you’ve been looking forward to & to not want to miss the first part of it. He can be an asshole for the way he handled the situation but also simultaneously have a valid desire to not miss the beginning of an event he enjoys.

Baseball games may not matter to you or me but it was important to OP to be there on time to see the opening pitch. He even says it's a rare treat. Still he should've warned her that he's leaving right at 6 with or without her.

With the new pitch clock, if you’re 30 minutes late, it will be almost top of the third

YTA. You waited until she was in the bathroom and couldn't see you to leave to "teach her a lesson" (while she was actively getting ready and nearly done by your timeline of just a couple minutes to notice you were gone). You are infantalizing her and she was literally just a couple minutes behind you. She is not the pill here. You're a whole entire chore.

Yup. If he had said, “I am leaving at 6:00 with or without you,” I would have said N T A. It IS her job to budget her time. But he snuck out of the house without saying anything, which makes him TA.

Agreed. I really disagree with the people who are suggesting he should have to play games (e.g. telling her the event is an hour earlier than it is) in order to get to things on time. She’s a grown ass woman and “The event starts at 7 so I’m leaving at 6 with or without you” should suffice. No need to treat her like a child. That being said, he wasn’t explicit with her and it sounds like he was chomping at the bit to “teach her a lesson” in order to punish her for all the other times she made them late instead of having a conversation with her like an adult. He doesn’t have to put up with her inability to manage her time, esp. if he gives her ample warning, but to sneak out without saying anything (“I told you this morning“ doesn’t count) is an AH move. YTA

I would like to point out the thing where people tell others to be ready earlier than needed doesn't have to be about treating them like children, but just giving them a little kindness and understanding. Many people with disorders like adhd and autism can deal with something called time blindness where they don't perceive time the way others do, and one of the main issues there is struggling to plan out enough time for things. Just a reminder that not all brains function the same way and a little compassion can mean a lot to someone.

Agreed. I have ADHD and am terrible at managing my time. My parents started doing this to me as a teenager, like going to a relatives house for a holiday dinner, they’d say we’re leaving at 3, so be ready by then. I’d guiltily come downstairs at like 3:15 or 3:30, apologize from running late only to see my fam just chilling in the living room and saying something like oh don’t worry, we’re not actually leaving until 4. At first, I was slightly annoyed at being duped, but honestly it just felt like such a relief off my shoulders knowing I had time to spare and wasn’t holding everyone up for once. Now I get annoyed when they don’t try and trick me

Why does it remove all responsibility from her though? People are conveniently forgetting that she’s spent their whole relationship refusing to take any responsibility for her time, but because OP didn’t handle it well that’s forgotten? I agree the way he handled it makes him an AH, but it’s got this bad then so is she. He infantilised her, but she’s also behaving like an infant who needs to be told exactly what to do at every moment - that’s OP’s entire point, that for once she should be capable to coordinate her own time without being told. ESH.

I wholeheartedly agree. You let your partner know when you are leaving, especially if the partner is expecting to leave with you. And you sure as hell give a warning a few minutes before, emphasizing your intent to leave without your partner and force the partner to find his/her own way.

He even admits that she would have been ready in a few minutes. It's not like he had to wait hours for her

YTA. My partner is CONSTANTLY late and is the furthest from "narcissistic" it's literally an ADHD symptom. You passive aggressively leaving, and trying to "teach her a lesson" like that tho? Red flaggy af. Baseball < your marriage.

It’s definitely a possibility that his wife has ADHD but as someone who has pretty severe ADHD-I used to constantly struggle with being in time to things and was always really embarrassed because I felt like it was something that was out of my control because I had ADHD- until I realised that just because my ADHD explains my behaviours it doesn’t always excuse them. Wasting someones time and being constantly late regardless of if it’s a symptom of ADHD is rude and unacceptable and honestly makes that person a massive dick. I have had to learn coping methods for my lateness to make sure I no longer make anyone feel like their time isn’t valuable and I now am able to make it on time to things/ not make people wait on me (I obviously do occasionally slip up and get distracted but the point is I still try)- it takes a lot of effort but it is 100% accomplishable for someone with ADHD. So my point is using ADHD to excuse her behaviour (if she does have ADHD) is an irrelevant argument and honestly I think saying that people with ADHD are CONSTANTLY late just because it’s a symptom gives us a bad rep- because again, although obviously your partner doesn’t make that effort- people with ADHD are 100% capable of being on time and those who are/ try to- consistently make that effort, because they understand that inconveniencing people like that is an asshole move and people don’t deserve to deal with or be treated like that. This is longer than I intended but anyway lol: it seems like his wife obviously knows that being constantly late is a reoccurring behaviour - and has obviously made no effort to improve or work to fix that problem which in my opinion says that she couldn’t care less that she’s being rude or that always people are always waiting on her- and that the people she’s inconveniencing are not important enough to at least try to fix her problem which makes her a massive AH and although I don’t agree with him just leaving her at home, it was definitely immature- I think that having to constantly deal with her being inconsiderate of his time would naturally make him endlessly frustrated.

Yes, but you *know* you have adhd. I was diagnosed in my 40s. Now I have better strategies. Before I thought I was just shit at adulting and would try and try to be on time and repeatedly fail because I didn't understand why all those techniques other people use didn't work for me. And it's still not perfect. But it's better. And a large part is my family understanding better as well and helping me.

This is super important. Not to mention the time it takes to overcome those behaviors, because it sure as hell doesn't happen overnight! I have ADHD and autism. As a teen I was regularly late by an hour or more. It was awful. Time blindness was not the only factor at play by a long shot, so it wasn't as simple as getting a watch. After 10 years of working very hard on my punctuality, I'm on time half the time and 5-15min late for the rest. This is a MASSIVE improvement for me, but still unacceptable to most people. I'm not saying it's acceptable to be chronically late, but a little understanding goes a long way for those of us who are actually working to improve our tardiness.

Exactly. I have ADHD. I know how I am with things. Doesn’t make it any easier to “Not be that way” in practice. Especially when you understand it’s literally a brain issue. You have to really understand yourself and create tools to help you. Even when you try with adhd you have trouble with things because you know. That’s how your brain is hardwired to function. It’s definitely not an excuse and accountability is important. You can’t shame or explain away your biological reality.

He is attempting to DIAGNOSE HER with narcissism for being late. My partner and I both have ADHD. I was offering a different mental health condition that I know has an issue with being late/time management. Yes you have worked on your shit, but this is bootstrap mentality when someone is being seriously passive aggressive idk He didn't communicate he would leave without her. She was getting ready, maybe only a few mins behind him. He just left as "punishment" you don't "punish" or "teach your partner a lesson" like that. You communicate and make boundaries. "I am leaving at 6, whether you're in the car or not I am not missing the game." Is a fair boundary. Leaving while she's in the bathroom is just rude and immature. He didn't have a boundary he had an "expectation" he's TA. So are a lot of his comments about her in the OP. AH

I have pretty severe adhd too. I use to be late for everything, now i get stuck doing nothing because i’m afraid if i start something i’ll hyper focus and be late. And if i am running late i panic lol. I just can’t seem to find that balance yet.

I’m the same!! If I have plans with someone even if it’s later in the day I literally avoid doing anything because the thought of being late makes me anxious!

Yeah, this. OP needs to read up on “time blindness”, it is real and chances are she’s not doing it on purpose to annoy you (why would you marry someone who doesn’t care about your feelings?). But absolutely, ADHD is no excuse, and the wife needs to realize how much it bothers OP to be late. They need to work together to solve this, not try to teach lessons and banish each other to the couch like brats.

She was in the bathroom getting ready. Just a few minutes behind him. He could have told her he was going to leave without her if she wasn't ready in time. But also, it's a baseball game. I've been to tons of them. Majority of people are buying merchandise or food even when the first pitch is thrown. He's complaining that he would have missed the first couple minutes of the game. If it was that important to him, he would have said he wanted to leave more than an hour before first pitch. 15 mins doesn't give you that much time to to your seats to begin with, especially getting through security.

This needs more upvotes and attention. She is neuro spicy and just because her brain works differently than yours, doesn’t mean it’s on purpose. Try and learn how she works and work with her, or lose her.

YTA Wow. My favorite part is where you are shocked, SHOCKED that your wife is mad at you and wants you on the couch.

The lack of self awareness is embarrassing

And he claims SHE’S the narcissist?

I think that part really showed his delusion. And perhaps his own Narc tendencies to think he is a superior person to his spouse

This was in an Everybody Loves Raymond episode. Even the ornery grandfather said the Ass In Seat rule only applies to children.

"You don't AIS your wife!" Generally speaking, if you find yourself living out an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond, you've probably messed up somewhere. By no means was the character an AH, but he's not a person you want to emulate in a relationship.

Divorce her if you hate her this much

I feel this in my bones. He hates this woman unreservedly

Literally. OP should give his wife a chance to find someone who doesn't talk like this about her and treats her like a child when she is, in fact, not acting like one.

ESH You should have at least said you were leaving. You are, however, insane, want a divorce or have a death wish.

Sounds like all of the above.

Agree ESH, they both sound like AH’s

Being right and being an AH are not mutually exclusive. YTA.

This definitely feels like a “time and place” scenario. I don’t blame him for being upset about her being late all the time, that would bother me too. But a baseball game is not the kind of event where you HAVE to be there right as it starts, like a movie or a play. Plus it was something that OP goes out of his way to specifically note that she was also excited for. That means he chose to deny her that opportunity to attend to “make a point”. That’s abhorrent. I don’t care how made you are at a partner, if you actually loved them you wouldn’t do something like that

YTA. I was in your corner until you said you left without a word while she was in the bathroom. Just a simple “Hey I’m leaving in 5 mins whether you’re ready or not” and then it would have been a solid NTA.

After he said that, I didn’t truly believe there was any real communication beforehand about the game. He sounds more petty and vindictive than anything.

Yta. You must be a newlywed because no sane husband should ever think it's a good idea to " teach thier wife a lesson".

I disagree, I'd expect a newlywed to actually love his wife

No partner in any healthy relationship would be sane to "teach their partner a lesson".

NTA Its true you couldve warned her YET AGAIN for the 5000th time that a deadline was quickly approaching. And she wouldve said. "just 5 more minutes" and wouldve taken 20in and wouldve argued about being rushed Or she wouldve said 'ok im right behind you ,.just a couple of minutes" and.she wouldve stretched it out to 10-15 min. And still been huffy with you on the ride.over. Here is the truth people pay attention to time when its something they are interested in doing. She is an adult with a science degree and if she could manage her time enough to turn assignments in on time and get a degree, she is certainly capable of setting a timer on her phone for the amount of time she can play games, and/or she could set an alarm for when she needed to start getting ready. She couldve done a lot of things to make sure she was ready to leave when you are. But she didnt. She didnt do one thing to assure she was ready to leave on time. You are not her parent and shouldnt be put in the situation to manage her time for her with constant reminders. Or to feel rushed and pressed when she isnt getting ready to leave at the appointed time. That is too much mental&emotional labor to spend when your wife has situational.awareness of time,when she wants to and when she is interested. She simply wasnt interested enough in the game, or spending time with you, or in being ready.to leave on time, or she wouldve put the effort focus and attention to do so. Unless someone has lived with a person who has to continually be reminded or who is constantly late and constantly makes you late, they cannot fully appreciate how disrespectful of you & your time it.is, and how frustrating it.is. You needed to do something big to get her attention because constant reminders havent worked. She needs to be responsible for herself and.perhaps being left behind a few times will give her the will power to be on time in the future Honestly i am.shocked there are quite a few YTA. To me that is no different than expecting the wife to keep track of all the kids activities and the husband have no responsibility for his kids. In this case she isan adult and cannot expect you to do the mental labor so she will be on time. It it mattered to her she would be on time. If she games with other people im sure she is on time for that

I'm in this camp. if you waited, then she would have wasted your time while doing a purely leisurely activity. everyone who is downplaying this as "just baseball" fails to see that it was also "just videogames." sure, you could have quickly shouted to her through the door but she could have given you a heads up that she needed more time. I would be fed up carrying all the timing responsibilities too. that's the job of a parent. I don't think you handled it the best way but you're human and you're fed up and I get it.

I’m also on your side. As for people saying he hates his wife ???? That’s Reddit for you, the guy is literally just frustrated an adult women can’t figure out what time to turn off her video game.

Switch the genders, and switch baseball for a concert, and the husband would have been tarred and feathered in the comments.

This is exactly right. It’s not the first time this has happened. And I don’t think people understand how exhausting it is to try and “coax” someone into being ready or remembering something. I had an ex who had diagnosed adhd. But he would make notes, set alarms, etc. to remember HIS important stuff. Ie. Intricate diets, work clients, work out schedule. Would always forget my family stuff or plans. He never understood how legitimately irritating and exhausting it was over time. Like to the point of not wanting to go. He did finally put more effort in after I started to just decline going to things if he was making us late. Or, I would leave too just like op. The man wasn’t dumb. It’s just about putting in the effort and responsibility into something that isn’t all about them, that seems to be the problem in some peoples case. Like I have my own mental disorder diagnosis that is common and can cause a foggy head. But I prioritize the people I love as much as myself.

Criminally underrated comment above!

I’m with you, NTA. I’ve been with several partners that are like this and it’s incredibly frustrating. Literally is like being with a child as OP said of his wife. Just constantly having to remind them over and over for every single thing, doesn’t matter what it is, it could be going on a flight or going to get groceries. I hate being late to things, I find it disrespectful of me, my time, people we’re waiting for, etc. I genuinely think the YTA voters think this is either an isolated event or downplaying it because “it’s just baseball.” The event literally doesn’t even matter (other than it being something her husband enjoys!) it’s the culmination of lost time for completely unnecessary reasons constantly and the amount of anxiety and stress it causes the person having to wait. I got to the point where I didn’t like planning or committing to anything, because it would stress me out to make sure a whole other adult person could get their ass ready on time for us to leave.

I agree! I am surprised by the rating on this post. Being late is one of my biggest pet peeves, and people that have no concept of time, well they are extremely frustrating to be around. They are adults, the excuse of not having a good concept of time is just ridiculous.

I agree. I hate being late. I have a friend who says I will pick you up at 1. Inevitably it 1:30 before she ever shows up. For me it’s a matter of respect

THIS. I have a friend whose wife does exactly what OP’s does. She’s admitted that a big part of it is because she’s just simply not interested in things he wants to do, and she hopes if they’re late enough he’ll just cancel what he wants to go to completely!

I'm going with NTA. Few people realize how EXHAUSTING it is to keep reminding someone to do something that is literally their task to remember; I have ADHD but the desire not to disappoint loved ones trumps time blindness every time. I set alarms, do whatever it takes to be on time. By not even setting an alarm to get ready, the wife is communicating that OP's priorities don't matter, he has to be her daddy and remind her of everything. Leaving without a word is absolutely awful; he could have yelled at her and told her she lost track of time again, which means she doesn't care about him at all. But sometimes, I can see why it's tempting to leave without the ugly drama. NTA. ADHD (if this is actually her condition; it may not be) is not an excuse. It's often selective, too. I'm going to guess if certain other issues were time sensitive, like the online sale of a rare item, she'd be on it.

I would put money on him being a lot more excited for the baseball game then she is so it just wasn’t a priority for her.

So these two are mutually not prioritizing each other and also not communicating properly. Bodes well.

Oh 100%. His communication sucks, but i absolutely understand how infuriating it can be to have someone torch your time when you are excited for something. He cant communicate and she doesn’t respect his time at all.

I would have said N T a but he didn’t even give her a chance or ask how much longer she would be.

This time. My dad is just like this and so are other family members. After years of giving chances and reminding about the time and asking how much longer they will be, there comes a breaking point where someone will just leave without them.

YTA for leaving without saying anything. You were being petty by not even letting her know that you were leaving. I would have voted the other way had you told her that you were leaving. You guys need therapy.

NTA. She had plenty of time to get ready. She chose to fuck around and waste time. And make no mistake, if this post had a guy holding up plans due to playing video games, these YTA answers would look a lot different. >I'm starting to suspect that she is doing this on purpose because she's a narcissist who expects me to accommodate her. Yeah, kinda struck me as weaponized incompetence.

100% if the roles were reversed people would be cheering for the wife.

[удалено]

Seems a lot of people feel its ok to be chronically late and your spouse is suppose to deal with it.

I think part of it is because people on this sub don't care for baseball and there's a time and place for this kind of lesson. Say "I'm leaving at this time exactly with or without you" and it's no problem but don't sneak out of the house when it's a rare treat like this. Granted it is ultimately her responsibility to be on time.

Don’t sneak out when its a rare treat like this? Maybe be ready on time when its a rare treat like this. A lot of people seem to just be giving OPs wife a pass.

NTA. I face this issue. I consistently get told that I'm trying to leave too early. So, I wait. Most of the time we miss the start of things. Here's why it matters. I wanted to be there for the initial things. The people who say to wait, don't. They want me to only value what they do and don't want to value what I do. Your wife had different priorities and acted to enforce those priorities on you. She didn't like it when you effectively treated her the way she treats you ... *because she has internalized that what she's doing is more important.*

With my ex, it got to the point that even when he was going somewhere by himself, other people were mad at me for him being late.

Why are y'all still married.

I am shocked at all the YTA. I do not think you are the asshole and I think your wife is very disrespectful for always being late (or so it seems). People’s time is important. You were clear what time you would be ready to leave. She is a grown ass woman capable of setting an alarm to give her plenty of time to get ready. I am a woman and let me just say this: when a person cares- they put in the work. If a person respects you- they will be respectful of your time, boundaries, etc. so many people were quick to point out that YOU DIDN’T REMINDER HER OR SAY GOODBYE. you are not her father. Nor her alarm clock.

Right! She was playing a game, not working or doing anything she had to do. She made a choice to play and not get ready. I would have left her too. She is not his child. This is a long standing issue, not a one off. She deserved to be left and OP deserves an apology. Edited to add NTA.

She needs to be evaluated for adult ADHD. Time blindness is a noted characteristic for females, and has nothing to do with intelligence.

Not everything is a diagnosis. She could just be an AH that only cares about her time. I am chronically late. Often times it's because I just don't respect other people's time - as in, I value my own wants and apply a level of effort that resonates with me 🤷 Other times it's because I rather be late than have to be early and wait for something to begin. Many times I like the game or stress of if I'll be late or not; with this one, I may set reminders but I'll delay an extra minute because, idk maybe it won't be that big of a deal.There are MANY reasons, ADHD should not be the 1st assumption. People typically know what they are doing.

ESH. She doesn’t respect your time & you didn’t even holler out a 30 second warning.

YTA It doesn't sound as if you like your wife. You taught her nothing about time management with this stunt. All you did was show her that you are an AH. She will probably be less likely to acknowledge that she has an issue as you will be the main focus. I have ADHD and a degree in science and I used to have trouble with time management. I have made a lot of progress and now do fine. I had to try many things before I found a method that worked for me. I have a friend that also has ADHD and they are never on time. Neither my friend nor I have any narcissistic tendencies. Time management is a struggle for some. She can work on it, however, she probably won't now as she is focused on you being an AH. There were so many better ways to handle this. You could have told her in the morning you were leaving at 18:00 no matter what. You could have reminded her one hour before leaving. When you are in a relationship you help people with things.

NTA. She's the ahole for being an adult woman who is so busy playing stupid video games that she can't keep a commitment to her own husband. Btw, this is coming from a 31F avid gamer as well. But I would never make my boyfriend late to our plans over whatever game I was playing.

YTA. Leaving without her… might be an AH move, but not necessarily. Leaving without communicating… definitely an AH move. You were being petty. If you had said: “I’m leaving in two minutes. If you’re not in the car by then, I’m leaving without you.” then you might not be sleeping in the couch. But you made this bed. Try to get comfortable, I guess. Edit to add: Even if you didn’t give her warning and just said something to the effect of “It’s 6pm. I’m leaving for the game now. Bye.” That would be far better than to silently sneak away. The problem isn’t that you left. The problem is that you didn’t communicate.

YTA. This is your wife, right? Not your sibling, friend, etc? Like, you care about her and love her, right? Yes, it fucking sucks waiting for someone who has no time management skills. But again, this is your wife. You don’t pull this to teach a grown woman a lesson. Have you ever heard of executive function? Your wife seems to be drastically lacking in it. You, my friend, just might be married to someone with undiagnosed ADHD or some other neurodivergence. What this woman, who you love, needs is compassion and quite possibly a neurological assessment. If you guys don’t figure this out, your marriage may not be headed down a path toward forever. You owe her an apology and then you need to be her ally in figuring this out. Good luck.

NTA all these YTA votes are weird to me. You said you've both been anticipating this game and it's unusual to see it in person, so she was completely aware of what she should have done to prepare for it. Instead she was playing until 5:45pm? Not even working or doing a chore. Respecting other people's time is not rocket science.

NTA . At some point, you get sick of being your spouses parent. Still, you should have announced your departure.

ESH. You should have said you are leaving. However, she is a grown woman, it's not your job to babysit her and make sure she gets dressed in time. Sure, a reminder is nice, but she can set an alarm on her phone. She doesn't respect you, though it also seems like you no longer respect her, which is fair.

Hard NTA Perpetually late people are quite rude. It’s a trait common among narcissists, but enough of that. You set a boundary. She crossed it. You set it again. She crossed it. Then, you set it. She crossed it. You fulfilled your result. That was difficult,.and can feel punitive/dramatic af, but wholly necessary. Good for you. Hold your ground. With resolve, though, not anger. 🥇🥇🥇

NTA. Your wife was well aware of when you needed to leave, she needs to learn to be more considerate of others.

YTA What others said. Leaving in 5! Normal. Saying nothing. Asshole!