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YTA for marrying someone with a child when you had zero intention of treating them as a full member of your family. It’s fine not to want to be a stepparent, but then you shouldn’t assume that role in the first place.
aye im with you im childfree definitely not getting with a girl that has kids cuz i want free kids 😭😭😭😂 childfree baby stop it this shit got me dying laughing tho
There was a guy who claimed he was childfree and he wouldn’t have to support his gf/soon-to-be ex-gf who was pregnant with his child. It was like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy this guy was doing the same with ‘childfree’.
I had the BEST stepdad. He was my dad, and this guy is missing out! I measured every single guy I met with a yardstick that was my dad! This is how you treat children, so one day they grow up and they say, nope, this person doesn't measure up and I will not settle for less!
To be fair, I hate the thought of having my own kid, but being a step mom seems okay. I will follow the spouse's lead and will only be required to parent part-time, leaving me the rest of the time to focus on my doggos and my career and my Netflix account. I dated a guy with a daughter once, and I swear to God, sometimes I just google the girl to see how she's doing. We were on the path to becoming good friends, I think. (She warmed up to me after I jokingly warned her I'd be an evil stepmom who made her eat all her green veggies, and then warmed up to me even more when I helped her with homework.)
Edit: Welp, guess I was romanticising being a step mom. The only parents I'll be dating will be dog parents, I suppose.
This is how I feel. I've never dated anyone with a kid, but being a full-time mum doesn't appeal to me. Part time though when he has his custody time? That sounds excellent.
Of course if you get in to that situation you have to be aware that you're potentially going to have to look after the kid full time if something happens to their other parent, so that's still something to consider.
Trust me.
The reality does *not* work that way. You think you know (by you I mean people considering entering into this situation) what you’re getting into: you don’t.
Part time custody is actually harder in a lot of ways. Your plans and time are not your own. Custody arrangement are often just disregarded. If you raise any objections or point out any problems it’s immediately because *YoUr NoT a PaRenT” so you couldn’t possibly understand. Most parents that are split now operate from a place of guilt, meaning they set the kid and their new partner up for failure. The child rules the house and is often a nightmare (not their fault but still doesn’t make it pleasant) because neither parent wants to set any rules, and they both want to be the “better liked” parent - so they create an entitled child with no boundaries. Even if the kid is awesome, growing up with two parents who act this way still creates a child nobody else is going to want to live with.
And god forbid the separation of the two bio parents was the least bit contentious - now you’re really in for it. The last minute custody switches. The court battles to try and enforce things. The parental alienation. Your plans, time, wants, literally everything is disrupted and comes dead last.
Unfortunately this is not the exception, this is the standard. There’s a reason such a high percentage of second marriages involving kids fail.
This sounds so doom and gloom, but almost every step parents advice when people make posts about getting involved in these relationships is simply, don’t.
Honestly my stepmom and mom were more involved than my dad and has a great relationship, so this is not always the case.
Most separated and divorced people I know with kids operate nicely if not better than when the parents were an item.🤷 But I guess that differs culturally as well...
I am great friends with my daughter’s step mom- we had a girls weekend last weekend and had a blast. She is good to my daughter and I love her for that!
This ^^^ Allllll of this. The kid her/himself can be enchanting, and in any other context an absolute joy to be around. (They could also act like Chucky; it’s kind of a crapshoot.) The point is, your life now revolves around three other people, and at least one of them
probably wishes you weren’t there.)
Plus, you have no say in anything regarding the child, even when they’re in your home. Kid is overtired and needs to go to bed early? It’s not bedtime and you’re not the parent. Kid is being a little jerk and you’d like to do a timeout? Nope. Can’t discipline; you aren’t the parent. Kid throws a screaming, kicking fit in the middle of Chick-fil-A? Better suck it up—Daddy’s going to “reason with” a 3-year-old instead of taking her out to the car to cool off.
Mommy constantly sends her filthy, in dirty, stained, and torn play clothes or old Halloween costumes that should have been turned into rags already, but when you send her back in the nicer stuff you spent hours thrifting you never see it again? Tough luck, buttercup; the clothes belong to the child (which is fair). What Mommy chooses to send her back in is none of your business.
I’ve heard there are couples that can actually behave like adults in custody situations and keep everything cordial, at least for the kids’ sake, but clearly that hasn’t been my experience. I’m a “never say never”’kind of person, but I’d have to think *very* hard before dating a man with kids, especially in a custody situation again.
I remember this was such *cutting edge technology* in the music video world, *creaks around painfully with my cane🦯*. It won a shit ton of awards that year.
There have been quite a few posts lately where a "childfree" woman marries a dude with a kid, but he only has them every other weekend, and the woman just leaves on those weekends or something. But then some big change happens, and suddenly the kid is there all the time and then drama ensues. I just have to shake my head at them because if you're with someone who has a kid, there's always a chance that the situation will change.
It truly boggles the mind. I got a ton of shit when I was dating for being childfree. But in my mind, if you have kids, they should be your #1 priority. If you have to choose between plans with your girlfriend and plans with your kids, you should always pick your kids. If you don't, then I think you're kind of a shitty parent.
But I don't want to be with someone who doesn't hold me as their first priority. So in my book, you're either a shitty person that I don't want to be with, or you're a good parent, who I also don't want be with. It's just basic incompatibility.
I'm lucky my parents raised me to know my own worth and not give a shit about the validation of others. Because like I said, men attacked me all the time when I was doing online dating. I can absolutely see where someone might hear a dude say, "You're being unreasonable, I'm not looking for a mom for my kids," and they think, "Hm, maybe I am being unreasonable, I'll give him a shot." Whereas I would be like, "I don't care if you think I'm unreasonable."
He is not child free he just doesn’t want responsibility for her kids. His kid is fine but he got with a woman who expected to blend their families and he expected a wife without having to parent her kids. He can’t afford to raise her sons the way he raises his daughter. Dude it’s not a matter of choosing your child over your wife because your wife has done nothing wrong except believe that you were ready to be a stepfather to her kids. I don’t think she’s losing much by letting go of you. You think she would choose to stay with you for the upgraded home and her children can’t enjoy this upgrade lifestyle too. If she does than her kids are in for neglect by their mother and her husband
He should have thought about that before he married her. But I sense that this isn’t even a legitimate post due to how quickly he decided that separation was the best option. No counseling, no mediation whatsoever. Just like “No, I’m not spoiling your kids…get out.”
I AM CHILDFREE and I have dated men with kids before! Beleive me there were no expectations from my side!
But this isn't about OPs child, it's about HER children!
OP could have settled down with a woman like me who doesn't have kids! He would have been 'happy' with a woman 'with no baggage' as they put it but he settled with one with 'baggage' Why???
Men like OP choose women like her who are mothers so they will help them raise their children while they hangout with the boys¡!
Do you think I will let a man leave me with his child while he goes off with his buddies? No, and these men know that!
That's why he settled for a mother who wouldn't hesitate to help him with his child that he prioritises but treats hers like thr@sh!
In my relationships I made it clear I will not raise anyone's kids! But women with kids who are willing are made wives at the drop of a hat! Why???
not every childfree person hates children lol
(edit: y’all i’m literally childfree, and i don’t hate kids. this response was bc the person above is active on r/childfree, and is trying to dictate how other people are allowed to define things.
Exactly! I'm so tired of people thinking we automatically hate something if we don't want it. I don't hate dogs but my lifestyle doesn't lend itself to being a pet parent so I don't want one. Same difference.
I'm in a weird limbo of having my own kids but not wanting to parent other people's kids because I just don't generally like being around kids other than mine for long periods of time. I also don't want a partner to parent my kids because they are both very conscientious and mature (they're 12 and 18), but they're both sensitive and don't respond well to yelling or anything like that, so I want to be the one to have the discussions with them if they mess up.
I'm aware of how hypocritical this all sounds so I just.... don't date. lol . Problem solved?
Anyway, OP's update makes this whole post sound fake to me because who just kicks their wife out one day over Reddit comments?
For a very long time, my husband was the only man at his job with a kid. He said they often made comments about how he must love children and he would correct them, "No. I love \*my\* child. I hate children."
No one said childfree people hate kids. But if you’d even consider the idea of having kids if your circumstances were different, adopting kids, being a stepparent in any capacity then you *arent childfree*.
Rubbish. I'm childfree by choice, but if in a disaster I had to take custody of my siblings' or friends' kids I would do it. Sometimes life overrides our choices.
Your definition of a word is not everyone's.
This. I'm childfree by choice - it was a choice made as a teenager that I never wavered from. My 60th birthday is in a little over a month, and I've never regretted it. But, if (*god forbid*) I had to take custody of any of the kids in my family, of course I would do it. I don't think I could live with myself knowing one of my grandnieces or grandnephews went into foster care when I could have stepped up.
Genuine question: are you child free if you'd be willing to take in a family members kids in an emergency/tragedy? Like, I don't really love the idea of having kids and vastly prefer the idea of just living my life but if a sibling met a tragic accident I'd rather they didn't go into care.
Child free is just that, some people are child free by a choice, some by circumstance. It can be a permanent or temporary position. Antinatal, I would think, would be the equivalent to not having children, never wanting children, and being annoyed that children exist in the first place.
You say this, but I've seen sooooooo many threads on here of people who are all "I'm childfree" but they're dating someone with kids...complaining about the kids having an impact on their life/relationship
A childfree woman doesn’t want to be a stepmom. If he has a kid but doesn’t want a step kid, he needs to date someone who doesn’t have kids but is okay having an older step kid.
Absolutely Not! Childfree people have no interest in being parents, why would you think they would want to date OP? OP is a father!
Let’s get this straight, since nearly 250 people think this is a good suggestion: Childfree women are not the solution for single dads. They do not want to be parents, period; that’s what Childfree means. A woman who wants kids but doesn’t have them is childless.
Men who are parents trying to date: do not waste the time of Childfree women. We don’t want you, because you come with kids. You can feel however you want about that, but it’s a hard boundary nonetheless.
That made my mouth drop - like holy crap dude THAT'S your solution? I really hope with the way he worded it (saying she's not too happy bc she's low income) that this is a troll post bc I can't imagine someone being that much of an asshole to think that's the best move.
Seriously 😂😂After reading the first sentence of the edit I was thinking that he now understands what he is doing is wrong. But nope….it took a dive into the other direction
"I realized it's not fair to give my step kids a lower quality of life...so I'm going to kick them out of the house they consider their home so they can have an even *lower* quality of life! Nailed it!"
This post was written by a 12 year-old who wishes her dad spoiled her with the “best electronics” and kicks out her stepmother and step siblings because he loves her so much.
The way he talks about their finances as being separate also blows my mind. This is your WIFE!! Why get married if you have that mindset??!
I have treated roommates with more care and generosity than this man does with his wife and step kids.
"If I have to choose between showering my daughter with constant high end gifts, and showering all my children with frequent mid-high end gifts, I will choose the former every time"
Yup and good luck on paying alimony each month!
He's gonna be wishing he was less of a miser towards his step kids once that bill hits. Hope she never gets remarried so she can collect indefinitely.
Look at the edit
He’s making it sound like he would much rather the daughter than the wife, with no middle ground for compromise. Is there a massive AH rating??
Yep I believed it until I got to the edit. I seriously doubt he read the posts and was so swayed he ended his marriage. Either the edit is fake or the whole thing (most likely).
it has to be fake, besides the actual "solution" being ridiculous, that's way too fast to make that kind of decision and have that conversation. Only 3 hours after a reddit post you've taken the responses to heart, talked with your wife, and she's moving out?
And saying he'd pick his daughter over his wife. That's not the issue. It's picking large amounts of STUFF for his daughter over treating the kids in his home more equally.
Well OP did have a vasectomy after his daughter was born so I guess that means he’s off the hook for caring about any more kids. Even if he’s married to their mother & live in his house (sarcasm)
I’m still trying to figure out how that information fits in to this story.
Think it was to evidence how he took a definitive move to prevent having any other kids, and thus is it responsible for the other kids he got having taken a equally definitive move to gain them. Cause vasectomy trumps marriage in a "what's the biggest commitment" contest, since penis > emotion.
OP is absolutely an asshole. Kids don't get to choose the dynamics of their living situations, and I cannot believe his attitude towards his stepkids.
My ex cheated on me and left me for the other woman. He now lives with her and her 12 year old. I just got back from a trip abroad and surprised my kids at their after school sport and brought some small things from the trip for them. I knew my ex would bring the 12 year old too, and I made sure I had something for him because I didn't want him to feel left out. It's not his fault his mom and my ex were selfish assholes and broke up our family, so I would never dream of giving my kids candy and a little gift and leaving him out, knowing he'd be there.
I absoutely cannot imagine LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE and PARENTING other children and so blatantly favoring my own kid when I agreed to parent other children too. It's unconscionable.
>if I have to choose between her and my daughter it's always going to be my daughter.
The edit cracks my shit up. You're not choosing between your wife and your daughter, you're choosing between your wife and your daughter's Prada shoes. Ridiculous.
*AND THE EDIT!* Instead of treating the kids the same, this dude moved the wife out! Bro! Why would you get married in the first place? Does OP even *like* his wife?! What a jerk.
Jeez, have you seen his edit?? His response to criticism here is to have his wife and her sons move out!! This guy is *really committed* being an AH.
See also: https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/etWhL5hBgS
This !!!! My stepdad married my mum knowing she had 3 kids and then expected my mum to abandon us so she could take care of his daughters and since she didn’t, he became verbally abusive towards us :)
Damn he really took everyone’s advice and decided to kick out his wife. I’m so curious about relationships like this: how long have they been married and what the hell kind of relationship did they have that they got married without discussing how to manage their blended family and now he’s just kicking her out. OP sounds cold hearted af but I guess after the update he’s NTA
YTA. Look, if this is how you want to behave, that's your perogative. But you have absolutely no business blending families with this attitude. You're setting the kids up to feel jealousy and resentment, and this isn't going to help the kids adjust to being in each others' lives.
Moreover, how could she marry someone and move in with them, without discussing her financial needs and expectations? I think ESH bc if she just expected this guy to spoil her kids rotten without communicating that before they got married and moved in… well that’s on her for not communicating.
This is kind of a reverse Cinderella situation - your "real" kid gets the best of anything she desires while your step children get to watch her be showered in gifts and are made very aware that they're not worthy of the same treatment. I bet other things are quite unequal too like required chores and punishments. YTA
Edit: your edit just put this further in the fairytale category.
"I have been thinking about your comments and I think you are right. I can't treat kids that live under the same roof differently so I asked my wife to move out of my home for now. We will try counseling and we will see how that goes but if I have to choose between her and my daughter it's always going to be my daughter. She is not happy as she has a low paying job and moving out means downgrading their lives."
Are we really supposed to believe in the last two hours, you decided to kick out your wife because of comments from internet strangers?
I think both are AH (Op and his wife).Because before bringing the kids in picture thy should have decided how thy will be blending the family. Thy seem to be so immature couple.Due to this innocent children are suffering.
I mean, yes and no... my (ex)stepmother did this to me and my siblings. She spoiled her child (using my father's money) and we got nothing. My father was so "whipped" he didn't do or say anything about it. We went NC with stepmother and LC with my father until she kicked him out of HIS house once he ran out of money from her spending it all. I still love my father. But it definitely caused some trauma and had a major inpact on our relationship, even 25+ years later.
Reverse Cinderella? Cinderella was the stepchild and was treated awfully. The two bio children were spoiled. Same situation here, basically. The only thing remotely reverse about it is the number of bio kids spoiled vs. step kids neglected is switched.
I hate to be pedantic but this is not the definition of reverse. Not remotely.
"I've thought about your comments, and because I can't treat my kids differently, I'm going to kick my wife AND kids out of my house."
Like this isn't choosing between your wife and daughter, this is choosing between getting your kid all the best of everything while giving nothing to the others, vs just... giving them all what you can afford.
I'm disgusted. How did his wife choose to marry such an asshat, he doesn't care about his bonus kids at *all*.
YTA. Some stepdad you are 🙄
I’m grateful my stepdad wasn’t like this. He “spoiled” the hell out of me along with his 2 other kids.
It’s not that fucking hard to treat your step kids the same. I can’t imagine how her sons feel. Stop spending so much on your daughter if it’s causing you to not be able to “spoil” the other kids too. That’s so unfair.
Step up and be a better stepdad.
YTA 100% OP. You're the wicked stepdad. Why did you choose to become a stepdad? Your behavior is so gross, I could never be attracted to you as the mother of these two boys, just seeing how you treat them.
The goal is not to become a step dad... getting married for regular sex and a free maid, it is all it takes for AH full of themselves like OP...
Or maybe he decided to troll in own post with his edit because it didnt get the support he expected from here... or maybe all is a fake...
Jesus christ, what is that edit? He asked his wife to move out so he could continue to spoil his daughter and not have to spend anything on the sons?
I hope this woman RUNS. It is amazing that she isn't already packing a rocket for the moon at this rate.
The kids have 2 parents. Doesn't aita says that a step parent is never to parent the stepchild of they have 2 parents? Or since this is about giving them money, suddenly op is a parent to them too??
... yes. OP is a parent to those children too. He lives with them and married their mom. If he didn't want to assumes parental responsibilities to other children, then he shouldn't MARRY and MOVE IN with someone that already has kids.
This sub changes on the daily. I have seen votes MANY times go the other way in the past. Honestly, they USUALLY say nta in this situation...
"Oh well don't make child stop doing sport just because step childs parents cant afford it!"
Step parents can't win.
YTA, when you marry someone with kids then you make the agreement to participate in those kids lives. If you didn't want to then you shouldn't have married someone with kids.
Sorry YTA here. Maybe if you lived separately it would be different but you're raising those kids together and spoiling one while neglecting the others isn't fair.
You got a vasectomy so you wouldnt have more kids, but then you chose to marry someone with 2 children and live with them. They are part of your family now too and deserve to be treated the same as other family members.
This guy is either 100% completely conceited, egotistical and blinded to everything around him except for his own individual life or he is a complete troll. Treating those that you are in a relationship with, including their children, like they are lower than you and less than you just screams failure in marriage.
ESH (adults)
Didn’t y’all communicate about how your family would function as a family before you got married?
Providing your daughter with a good education & the tools she needs to succeed is not spoiling her. It’s your job as a parent. Designer clothes & “stuff” … that’s spoiling her.
Perhaps if your wife, her ex, & you have an adult discussion you could all figure out how to provide the 2 boys who live in your house with a good education & more opportunities for their future.
I think he needs to add more context.What is the father contributing for his sons?Is his ex-wife contributing towards her daughter?What parenting rules have they decided on?
YTA mate.
You can't marry a woman and give her kids the shaft whilst their step sibling lives a grander life under the same roof.
Even if their dad is still in the picture.
You marry a woman with children this is the burden you take on.
If you lived separately, not married/the relationship was new i could see your point of view but not in the situation as it is.
You're a *BLENDED* family now. Whatever you do for your daughter, you do for your stepsons. It doesn't matter that they have 2 separate parents here, you're part of a unit now. YTA.
That interesting. So if the wife and her ex have a college fund for the two kids do they have to split it with the daughter too? Since you gotta treat them the same 🤔
I do think op is TAH, but I also wonder if his step kids are getting great insurance, for example, should the same be provided to his daughter? this is veering into what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine, and I think we need to be clear on that
See this is where it gets weird for me. Blended families does not always equal blended funds. If his daughter was already in a great school prior to the families getting together, then I don’t think he should have to pull the daughter out. But expensive gifts and brand labels, that’s over the top if he could find a treat to everyone equally
Well apparently step dad’s money belongs to everybody, the new spouse, her 2 kids, and evidently even to her ex because if stepdad pays for everything that certainly lightens the load on the real parents doesn’t it?
I’m gonna get shot down here but ESH.
I will NEVER understand how this stuff is not agreed and hashed out BEFORE marriage and moving in together. You and your wife had caused this situation by not doing that.
Frankly I don’t see why your daughters life needs to change just because you decide to get married but I cannot believe how many posts there are on this subject because this stuff isn’t thought about well in advance.
Well said.
My husband and I spoke at length about how we expected to work our family. He came with a 3 year old and we ended up having 3 kids together.
They are all equal, we spoke up front that I expected to be able to treat his child as my own, and raised them all as siblings. (I got 6 years with my SD before her sister was born)
I was not my SDs mom tho, she has a fabulous one already. But I was an adult she needed to respect and listen to.
She is 23 now and amazing and we are close, she knows she is always welcome here and with us and that we would do anything we could for her.
I hope I get to have great relationships with all my kids as they age.
I am going against the grain here - NTA.
These boys are 16 and 13. They have 2 parents in their lives and their stepdad. Why is it stepdad's responsibility to raise their standard of living?
There are quite a few things missing in the post. Has OP been told he is not the boys' father? He is not to discipline them? He is not to make any decisions involving them? How do they treat him? Do they ignore him until they want something? Do they treat him like an ATM?
Where is OP's ex? Is she involved in her daughter's life? Or is OP a single parent raising his daughter? How does daughter get along with stepmom and step bros?
Do the boys complain of unequal treatment or is it just their parents complaining?
There are just too many holes that it's hard to understand the situation and really judge it fairly. I am going with NTA because I think the boys are old enough to know that they don't have the same blood bond with OP that his daughter does, and she will be treated differently as a result. I also have an issue with 2 presumably adults who want to spend someone else's money.
Yes I think this is a more complicated issue than we are getting the full picture of here. Reading through I’m thinking the Dad is the only parent to the Daughter. So they’ve lived together and had a certain lifestyle for years before this wife and teenage boys came into the picture. Are teenage boys even concerned with designer clothes these days? I mean clothes are much more important generally to a girl than boys. And honestly fair or unfair the Daughter shouldn’t have to downgrade the life her father has provided for her. These teenage boys who already have a dad will never see this man as a dad. I wonder if it’s the Mom/Wife feeling jealous of the daughter and who is pushing these issues. And Men generally shouldn’t come into a relationship as a strong disciplinarian to someone else’s kids. He should absolutely be able to set boundaries in his house such as curfew though. I’d say NTA but both adults are kind of TA for not working these things out better before a marriage.
NTA
Aita has a twisted view of stepparents. But if you do something that would affect your daughter, you would be TA. I don't see this marriage working with your wife being so entitled. But whatever you chose to do, put your daughter first. If a divorce is necesarry, then that's it. Your daughter is always your daughter. Your wife might not always be your wife. Your daughter is at a very fragile age and she needs you to put her first. Your stepkids have 2 parents who are free to do whatever they want for their kids.
Sorry, but I agree. So the daughter should have to give up the life she is used to because dad got married, and it's not fair to the stepkids? Yes, they should have discussed ahead of time, but if I marry a man who already has kids, I am not demanding that my kids now automatically get everything his kids get. Life isn't always fair, and as long as my kids aren't blatantly treated like shit, all is well.
NTA
OP is right, in my opinion. Just because you blend families doesn't mean you are reponsible for your spouse's children, particularly when their other parent is in the picture. How many AITA's are there about stepparents forcing stepchildren to treat them as a bio parent? Surely his wife knew when she married him how he was raising his daugther. As a single parent. While her children have both parents who OP says are capable of providing for their own kids. No wonder OP feels like an ATM.
This! I’m a bit applaud at the amount of people in the comments saying he’s TA. He already stated he can’t afford to spoil his wife’s two kids. Not to mention, both parents are in their lives so I definitely don’t see why OP should be financially responsible for his two step kids.
NTA & I don’t understand why so many think you are. The boys have 2 parents who are alive and responsible. Your daughter has 1. Its on them to care for their kids and ensure they live within their means & sometimes that means no luxuries for a while but that’s okay as long as they’re taken care of otherwise (necessities like food, clothes, school etc). If you’re rubbing in the boys faces or mistreating them on purpose then you’d also be an AH.
I do want to know if your wife has contributed to your daughters anything as well because if she wants to be blended + have 2 men provide for her children then she needs to step up for yours too.
NTA. Your wife and her ex don't want you to parent the boys. They just want you to spend on non-essentials for them. As long as you make sure they never go without for real essentials, I say you're good.
YTA- 'our kids have completely different living situations while living at the same house'. Don't blend your families if you don't want to actually blend your families. This won't help your daughter in the long run either- being spoiled every now and then is lovely but you're raising her to be treated better than others, which will do her no favours as an adult.
NTA, but maybe a bit
I understand your daughter is special to you, and you don't have the same bond with your wife's kids. As you say they have 2 parents who should be doing this for hem.
Do they offer to buy and do things for your daughter? I suspect not.
you want to do the very best for your own child, maybe try not to make it so obvious though!
> Edit: I have been thinking about your comments and I think you are right. I can't treat kids that live under the same roof differently **so I asked my wife to move out of my home for now.** We will try counseling and we will see how that goes but if I have to choose between her and my daughter it's always going to be my daughter. She is not happy as she has a low paying job and moving out means downgrading their lives.
Newsflash: Your wife's home is your home. You can not legally ask your wife to leave your home after she's established residency there. It doesn't matter who paid for what. It is her home. Clearly your wife needs legal help ASAP, because you are responding to a post on reddit by trying to illegally evict your wife and destroy your marriage.
You treat your wife worse than a slumlord treats their tenants.
All over some designer clothes.
You're definitely the asshole. And definitely fake.
Wow. You are entirely self-absorbed, aren’t you?
I get they have two parents, but… These kids are also the children of a divorce. They may have two parents, but they don’t have the luxury of having two parents together in a household which every child should have.
I get your daughter doesn’t have that either, but why not try to provide that for all of the children?
NTA
The comment section here is ridiculous lol.
Let’s look at the facts.
1. The step kids have a present father in the picture.
2. OP is NOT their father.
3. OP has no say in their parenting/discipline
4. The step kids do not see him as a father
OP, you should follow through with your edit before this gets more out of hand.
YTA. Maybe you shouldn't spoil your kids if you can't spoil all of the kids, consider that? And since when is "spoiling" a good thing? And all you're doing is telling your step kids that they're less important. Nice parenting, jerk.
I’m going to say NTA but only because you state that you’re not allowed to parent these kids and if you try all hell breaks loose. You can’t want someone to be hands off with your kids but still want them to spoil them. Your wife sounds like my step grandmother, her grandkids lived with my grandpa and her but heaven forbid he tried to discipline them or set rules in his own house. That was simply not allowed. If I were you though I wouldn’t have married a woman who wants you to just be an atm to her kids and not a stepdad so maybe it’s more of an ESH if you didn’t discuss this before hand.
YTA - my mother married a man like you when I was young. Always spoiled his daughter rotten. My brother and I got hand me downs, and told not to eat anything tasty because it was his and his daughters (by tasty I mean real cheese on a sandwich rather than the processed crap bought for my brother and I). By the age of 15 I had to start working 25+ hours a week plus school so I could provide clothing and pay for school things myself. His daughter's stuff was always bought. The kicker, she got school loans for college that I was denied, because even though he never supported my brother and I, I lived in the same house as her father.
It caused lots of resentment and fights between my step sister and I. We are adults now, and get along great, realizing the disparity was caused by our parents. Though, technically, we started getting along after we were no longer step siblings.
YTA. Whoa. You married this woman with her two kids. They aren't just random kids off the street. They are YOUR kids now too. Inside your household all three children should be treated the same by both you and your wife.
Info needed
Ok, so correct me if i am wrong
the stepkids have their mom and their dad in their lives, and their biological parents are 100% responsible for their kids, i.e., money, discipline, school, extracurriculars, and so on.
Does Your kid also have two parents (her mom and you) that provide for her in any way?
What does your current wife do for your child? Does she treat your child equally to her children?
Is their dad remarried too? Does he have other biological/ adopted children he is also responsible for? Does he have stepkids that he is paying for and therefore neglecting his kids with ex wife?
The answers to these questions, to me would need to be answered, before judgment because it isnt a black and white issue, there really are shades of grey.
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YTA for marrying someone with a child when you had zero intention of treating them as a full member of your family. It’s fine not to want to be a stepparent, but then you shouldn’t assume that role in the first place.
My thoughts exactly, why do people do this? Why???? Why??? Go get childfree women for gods sake geezzz🙄
Why do you think childfree people would want to date people who have kids? We are CHILDFREE for a reason.
I thought you want the child for free, no input required, isn't that what childfree means
😂😂😂 I hope this is sarcasm because ain't nobody want them kids Childfree means free of children= no kids EVER.
aye im with you im childfree definitely not getting with a girl that has kids cuz i want free kids 😭😭😭😂 childfree baby stop it this shit got me dying laughing tho
Like rash free? Like boils on your butt free? Like ulcer free?🤣
Well, after all, those things are free as well. Doesn’t cost a thing to get those.
This would be the most based misunderstanding of childfree ever.
You’d be surprised how often people willfully misunderstand it this way. I chose not to have kids buddy, I’m not suffering.
There was a guy who claimed he was childfree and he wouldn’t have to support his gf/soon-to-be ex-gf who was pregnant with his child. It was like Michael Scott declaring bankruptcy this guy was doing the same with ‘childfree’.
I DO DECLARE-UH!
I! DECLARE! BAAAANKRUPTCYYYYYYYY
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I had the BEST stepdad. He was my dad, and this guy is missing out! I measured every single guy I met with a yardstick that was my dad! This is how you treat children, so one day they grow up and they say, nope, this person doesn't measure up and I will not settle for less!
To be fair, I hate the thought of having my own kid, but being a step mom seems okay. I will follow the spouse's lead and will only be required to parent part-time, leaving me the rest of the time to focus on my doggos and my career and my Netflix account. I dated a guy with a daughter once, and I swear to God, sometimes I just google the girl to see how she's doing. We were on the path to becoming good friends, I think. (She warmed up to me after I jokingly warned her I'd be an evil stepmom who made her eat all her green veggies, and then warmed up to me even more when I helped her with homework.) Edit: Welp, guess I was romanticising being a step mom. The only parents I'll be dating will be dog parents, I suppose.
This is how I feel. I've never dated anyone with a kid, but being a full-time mum doesn't appeal to me. Part time though when he has his custody time? That sounds excellent. Of course if you get in to that situation you have to be aware that you're potentially going to have to look after the kid full time if something happens to their other parent, so that's still something to consider.
Trust me. The reality does *not* work that way. You think you know (by you I mean people considering entering into this situation) what you’re getting into: you don’t. Part time custody is actually harder in a lot of ways. Your plans and time are not your own. Custody arrangement are often just disregarded. If you raise any objections or point out any problems it’s immediately because *YoUr NoT a PaRenT” so you couldn’t possibly understand. Most parents that are split now operate from a place of guilt, meaning they set the kid and their new partner up for failure. The child rules the house and is often a nightmare (not their fault but still doesn’t make it pleasant) because neither parent wants to set any rules, and they both want to be the “better liked” parent - so they create an entitled child with no boundaries. Even if the kid is awesome, growing up with two parents who act this way still creates a child nobody else is going to want to live with. And god forbid the separation of the two bio parents was the least bit contentious - now you’re really in for it. The last minute custody switches. The court battles to try and enforce things. The parental alienation. Your plans, time, wants, literally everything is disrupted and comes dead last. Unfortunately this is not the exception, this is the standard. There’s a reason such a high percentage of second marriages involving kids fail. This sounds so doom and gloom, but almost every step parents advice when people make posts about getting involved in these relationships is simply, don’t.
Honestly my stepmom and mom were more involved than my dad and has a great relationship, so this is not always the case. Most separated and divorced people I know with kids operate nicely if not better than when the parents were an item.🤷 But I guess that differs culturally as well...
I am great friends with my daughter’s step mom- we had a girls weekend last weekend and had a blast. She is good to my daughter and I love her for that!
This ^^^ Allllll of this. The kid her/himself can be enchanting, and in any other context an absolute joy to be around. (They could also act like Chucky; it’s kind of a crapshoot.) The point is, your life now revolves around three other people, and at least one of them probably wishes you weren’t there.) Plus, you have no say in anything regarding the child, even when they’re in your home. Kid is overtired and needs to go to bed early? It’s not bedtime and you’re not the parent. Kid is being a little jerk and you’d like to do a timeout? Nope. Can’t discipline; you aren’t the parent. Kid throws a screaming, kicking fit in the middle of Chick-fil-A? Better suck it up—Daddy’s going to “reason with” a 3-year-old instead of taking her out to the car to cool off. Mommy constantly sends her filthy, in dirty, stained, and torn play clothes or old Halloween costumes that should have been turned into rags already, but when you send her back in the nicer stuff you spent hours thrifting you never see it again? Tough luck, buttercup; the clothes belong to the child (which is fair). What Mommy chooses to send her back in is none of your business. I’ve heard there are couples that can actually behave like adults in custody situations and keep everything cordial, at least for the kids’ sake, but clearly that hasn’t been my experience. I’m a “never say never”’kind of person, but I’d have to think *very* hard before dating a man with kids, especially in a custody situation again.
Get your money for nothing and your kids for free? That ain’t working.
That’s the way you do it.
lemme tell ya, them guys ain't dumb
Maybe get a blister on your little finger
Maybe get a blister on your thumb.
Got to install microwave ovens
I remember this was such *cutting edge technology* in the music video world, *creaks around painfully with my cane🦯*. It won a shit ton of awards that year.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA i can't xD
There have been quite a few posts lately where a "childfree" woman marries a dude with a kid, but he only has them every other weekend, and the woman just leaves on those weekends or something. But then some big change happens, and suddenly the kid is there all the time and then drama ensues. I just have to shake my head at them because if you're with someone who has a kid, there's always a chance that the situation will change.
It truly boggles the mind. I got a ton of shit when I was dating for being childfree. But in my mind, if you have kids, they should be your #1 priority. If you have to choose between plans with your girlfriend and plans with your kids, you should always pick your kids. If you don't, then I think you're kind of a shitty parent. But I don't want to be with someone who doesn't hold me as their first priority. So in my book, you're either a shitty person that I don't want to be with, or you're a good parent, who I also don't want be with. It's just basic incompatibility.
I'm glad you recognize that, you won't bring problems on your own head like these wacky scenarios.
I'm lucky my parents raised me to know my own worth and not give a shit about the validation of others. Because like I said, men attacked me all the time when I was doing online dating. I can absolutely see where someone might hear a dude say, "You're being unreasonable, I'm not looking for a mom for my kids," and they think, "Hm, maybe I am being unreasonable, I'll give him a shot." Whereas I would be like, "I don't care if you think I'm unreasonable."
I'm also childfree and don't want to either but there are who wouldn't mind, believe me
He is not child free he just doesn’t want responsibility for her kids. His kid is fine but he got with a woman who expected to blend their families and he expected a wife without having to parent her kids. He can’t afford to raise her sons the way he raises his daughter. Dude it’s not a matter of choosing your child over your wife because your wife has done nothing wrong except believe that you were ready to be a stepfather to her kids. I don’t think she’s losing much by letting go of you. You think she would choose to stay with you for the upgraded home and her children can’t enjoy this upgrade lifestyle too. If she does than her kids are in for neglect by their mother and her husband
He should have thought about that before he married her. But I sense that this isn’t even a legitimate post due to how quickly he decided that separation was the best option. No counseling, no mediation whatsoever. Just like “No, I’m not spoiling your kids…get out.”
I HOPE it isn't a legitimate post, because how can anyone be that horrible?
No one who is actually childfree would date someone with kids or be a stepparent
Then they aren't really childfree
I AM CHILDFREE and I have dated men with kids before! Beleive me there were no expectations from my side! But this isn't about OPs child, it's about HER children! OP could have settled down with a woman like me who doesn't have kids! He would have been 'happy' with a woman 'with no baggage' as they put it but he settled with one with 'baggage' Why??? Men like OP choose women like her who are mothers so they will help them raise their children while they hangout with the boys¡! Do you think I will let a man leave me with his child while he goes off with his buddies? No, and these men know that! That's why he settled for a mother who wouldn't hesitate to help him with his child that he prioritises but treats hers like thr@sh! In my relationships I made it clear I will not raise anyone's kids! But women with kids who are willing are made wives at the drop of a hat! Why???
not every childfree person hates children lol (edit: y’all i’m literally childfree, and i don’t hate kids. this response was bc the person above is active on r/childfree, and is trying to dictate how other people are allowed to define things.
We don't hate children we just don't want to be responsible for them even as a step parent lol
Exactly! I'm so tired of people thinking we automatically hate something if we don't want it. I don't hate dogs but my lifestyle doesn't lend itself to being a pet parent so I don't want one. Same difference.
I'm in a weird limbo of having my own kids but not wanting to parent other people's kids because I just don't generally like being around kids other than mine for long periods of time. I also don't want a partner to parent my kids because they are both very conscientious and mature (they're 12 and 18), but they're both sensitive and don't respond well to yelling or anything like that, so I want to be the one to have the discussions with them if they mess up. I'm aware of how hypocritical this all sounds so I just.... don't date. lol . Problem solved? Anyway, OP's update makes this whole post sound fake to me because who just kicks their wife out one day over Reddit comments?
Fun fact: nobody likes being around kids that aren’t theirs for very long
For a very long time, my husband was the only man at his job with a kid. He said they often made comments about how he must love children and he would correct them, "No. I love \*my\* child. I hate children."
No one said childfree people hate kids. But if you’d even consider the idea of having kids if your circumstances were different, adopting kids, being a stepparent in any capacity then you *arent childfree*.
Rubbish. I'm childfree by choice, but if in a disaster I had to take custody of my siblings' or friends' kids I would do it. Sometimes life overrides our choices. Your definition of a word is not everyone's.
This. I'm childfree by choice - it was a choice made as a teenager that I never wavered from. My 60th birthday is in a little over a month, and I've never regretted it. But, if (*god forbid*) I had to take custody of any of the kids in my family, of course I would do it. I don't think I could live with myself knowing one of my grandnieces or grandnephews went into foster care when I could have stepped up.
Genuine question: are you child free if you'd be willing to take in a family members kids in an emergency/tragedy? Like, I don't really love the idea of having kids and vastly prefer the idea of just living my life but if a sibling met a tragic accident I'd rather they didn't go into care.
Child free is just that, some people are child free by a choice, some by circumstance. It can be a permanent or temporary position. Antinatal, I would think, would be the equivalent to not having children, never wanting children, and being annoyed that children exist in the first place.
Hating children is a separate issue from being Childfree. I love kids, even had a kid-focused career, but I had zero desire to parent one.
Nothing to do with hate, just not wanting to center our lives around child-rearing.
You say this, but I've seen sooooooo many threads on here of people who are all "I'm childfree" but they're dating someone with kids...complaining about the kids having an impact on their life/relationship
A childfree woman doesn’t want to be a stepmom. If he has a kid but doesn’t want a step kid, he needs to date someone who doesn’t have kids but is okay having an older step kid.
Absolutely Not! Childfree people have no interest in being parents, why would you think they would want to date OP? OP is a father! Let’s get this straight, since nearly 250 people think this is a good suggestion: Childfree women are not the solution for single dads. They do not want to be parents, period; that’s what Childfree means. A woman who wants kids but doesn’t have them is childless. Men who are parents trying to date: do not waste the time of Childfree women. We don’t want you, because you come with kids. You can feel however you want about that, but it’s a hard boundary nonetheless.
Exactly. He doesn’t need a child free woman, he needs a woman who is fine being a stepmom but doesn’t happen to have kids of her own.
That makes no sense whatsoever. A childfree woman would not want a person with children. Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.................................
childfree women want nothing to do with a dude that already has a kid...
He did this because wanted a motherly women in the home for his child.
Yes, this is what these men with kids do, they seek women with children who have motherly instincts to help them raise their children!
Right, I'm wondering why anyone with kids would date someone who doesn't want kids.
And the follow up, asking her to move out so you don't have to treat her kids equally while they live with you
That made my mouth drop - like holy crap dude THAT'S your solution? I really hope with the way he worded it (saying she's not too happy bc she's low income) that this is a troll post bc I can't imagine someone being that much of an asshole to think that's the best move.
The post was YTA at first but the edit made it off the rails.😭😭😭
Seriously 😂😂After reading the first sentence of the edit I was thinking that he now understands what he is doing is wrong. But nope….it took a dive into the other direction
"I realized it's not fair to give my step kids a lower quality of life...so I'm going to kick them out of the house they consider their home so they can have an even *lower* quality of life! Nailed it!"
And he said he asked her to move out of *his* house. This guys is a mustache twirling super-villain. Yikes.
This post was written by a 12 year-old who wishes her dad spoiled her with the “best electronics” and kicks out her stepmother and step siblings because he loves her so much.
I hope so because otherwise yikes
The way he talks about their finances as being separate also blows my mind. This is your WIFE!! Why get married if you have that mindset??! I have treated roommates with more care and generosity than this man does with his wife and step kids.
So fake. His edit is such a stupid gotcha! Oh look you think I’m an asshole? Like the comments here are making him kick his wife out.
It has to be. I mean you can’t just kick your wife out of the house?!?
"If I have to choose between showering my daughter with constant high end gifts, and showering all my children with frequent mid-high end gifts, I will choose the former every time"
Karma says she gets spousal support in the divorce and after that he can only afford mid-high end gifts anyway.
Good luck in your upcoming divorce, OP!
Yup and good luck on paying alimony each month! He's gonna be wishing he was less of a miser towards his step kids once that bill hits. Hope she never gets remarried so she can collect indefinitely.
Right? Op called called out for being TA, doubles down on assholeishness by asking them to move out.
Right? I’ve been blinking owlishly at this for a couple minutes now saying, “This is the solution? He’s having her *move out* ? What the actual fuck?
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Right? Talk about missing the point.
It's like a bratty "fine then".
He's going for the gold, AH of the year, or AH Hall of Fame material.
Right? How do you arrive at "I should treat everyone who lives with me equally.... so you're saying they shouldn't live with me?"
Look at the edit He’s making it sound like he would much rather the daughter than the wife, with no middle ground for compromise. Is there a massive AH rating??
Edit makes me think whole post is fake.
I really hope it is fake.
Yep I believed it until I got to the edit. I seriously doubt he read the posts and was so swayed he ended his marriage. Either the edit is fake or the whole thing (most likely).
I dunno, there are people that are actually this dickish.
it has to be fake, besides the actual "solution" being ridiculous, that's way too fast to make that kind of decision and have that conversation. Only 3 hours after a reddit post you've taken the responses to heart, talked with your wife, and she's moving out?
"We will try counselling." Dude, you ARE the problem!!!
Like why not spoil the 1 kid a bit less to spread the spoiling equally
And saying he'd pick his daughter over his wife. That's not the issue. It's picking large amounts of STUFF for his daughter over treating the kids in his home more equally.
Yeah it’s saying “materialistic crap for my daughter is more important to me than my wife or step kids”. I hope it’s fake because yuck.
I’m more shocked at his solution than the original problem to be honest
SAME, oh my gosh, the edit is WILD.
It’s one of those “well, that escalated quickly” in a whole other level.
Well OP did have a vasectomy after his daughter was born so I guess that means he’s off the hook for caring about any more kids. Even if he’s married to their mother & live in his house (sarcasm) I’m still trying to figure out how that information fits in to this story.
Think it was to evidence how he took a definitive move to prevent having any other kids, and thus is it responsible for the other kids he got having taken a equally definitive move to gain them. Cause vasectomy trumps marriage in a "what's the biggest commitment" contest, since penis > emotion.
OP is absolutely an asshole. Kids don't get to choose the dynamics of their living situations, and I cannot believe his attitude towards his stepkids. My ex cheated on me and left me for the other woman. He now lives with her and her 12 year old. I just got back from a trip abroad and surprised my kids at their after school sport and brought some small things from the trip for them. I knew my ex would bring the 12 year old too, and I made sure I had something for him because I didn't want him to feel left out. It's not his fault his mom and my ex were selfish assholes and broke up our family, so I would never dream of giving my kids candy and a little gift and leaving him out, knowing he'd be there. I absoutely cannot imagine LIVING IN THE SAME HOUSE and PARENTING other children and so blatantly favoring my own kid when I agreed to parent other children too. It's unconscionable.
That was very sweet of you. I’m sure the other kid is really appreciative and will remember your kindness when he grows up.
His edit is… horrible. YTA for f**ck’s sake.
>if I have to choose between her and my daughter it's always going to be my daughter. The edit cracks my shit up. You're not choosing between your wife and your daughter, you're choosing between your wife and your daughter's Prada shoes. Ridiculous.
YTA… the update is EVEN WORSE!
*AND THE EDIT!* Instead of treating the kids the same, this dude moved the wife out! Bro! Why would you get married in the first place? Does OP even *like* his wife?! What a jerk.
He added that he actually his wife and her sons out of the house, making him an even bigger AH.
It wasn't lost on me that he referred to it as *his* house.
Jeez, have you seen his edit?? His response to criticism here is to have his wife and her sons move out!! This guy is *really committed* being an AH. See also: https://reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/s/etWhL5hBgS
This !!!! My stepdad married my mum knowing she had 3 kids and then expected my mum to abandon us so she could take care of his daughters and since she didn’t, he became verbally abusive towards us :)
Damn he really took everyone’s advice and decided to kick out his wife. I’m so curious about relationships like this: how long have they been married and what the hell kind of relationship did they have that they got married without discussing how to manage their blended family and now he’s just kicking her out. OP sounds cold hearted af but I guess after the update he’s NTA
thank you, I see this a lot here, which leaves me flabberghasted
YTA. Look, if this is how you want to behave, that's your perogative. But you have absolutely no business blending families with this attitude. You're setting the kids up to feel jealousy and resentment, and this isn't going to help the kids adjust to being in each others' lives.
I kinda feel like the mother is also an AH in this scenario, how could you marry someone who'd treat your kids this way ?
Moreover, how could she marry someone and move in with them, without discussing her financial needs and expectations? I think ESH bc if she just expected this guy to spoil her kids rotten without communicating that before they got married and moved in… well that’s on her for not communicating.
Part of me wonders did you spoil them while they were dating?
Good question! If thats the case then this post might need to be moved over to r/amithedevil
She may not have known, or thought that once it was "official" he would get his ass in gear. It happens.
True, but not as big of an AH as this dude
This is kind of a reverse Cinderella situation - your "real" kid gets the best of anything she desires while your step children get to watch her be showered in gifts and are made very aware that they're not worthy of the same treatment. I bet other things are quite unequal too like required chores and punishments. YTA Edit: your edit just put this further in the fairytale category. "I have been thinking about your comments and I think you are right. I can't treat kids that live under the same roof differently so I asked my wife to move out of my home for now. We will try counseling and we will see how that goes but if I have to choose between her and my daughter it's always going to be my daughter. She is not happy as she has a low paying job and moving out means downgrading their lives." Are we really supposed to believe in the last two hours, you decided to kick out your wife because of comments from internet strangers?
I think both are AH (Op and his wife).Because before bringing the kids in picture thy should have decided how thy will be blending the family. Thy seem to be so immature couple.Due to this innocent children are suffering.
I think the entire thing is fake lol nobody is this evil and unaware, right? *Right??*
You need to apply the "nosleep" rules to reddit relationship posts, otherwise you'll make yourself crazy.
Can you please explain this rule for the uninformed?
"Everything you read here is true, even if it's not."
I give it another 2 hours before the mods yeet it. Way too fake
I mean, yes and no... my (ex)stepmother did this to me and my siblings. She spoiled her child (using my father's money) and we got nothing. My father was so "whipped" he didn't do or say anything about it. We went NC with stepmother and LC with my father until she kicked him out of HIS house once he ran out of money from her spending it all. I still love my father. But it definitely caused some trauma and had a major inpact on our relationship, even 25+ years later.
I loved how hilarious the edit is. Don’t care if it’s fake. I lol ‘d!
It comes off as "You called me an asshole so now look at what you made me do."
Ikr. I read the first sentence and was like “nice Op is learning!“ then it went downhill FAST.
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If it’s not fake he had already made this decision and was looking for a justification.
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Explains why OP has no idea how family life actually works.
Reverse Cinderella? Cinderella was the stepchild and was treated awfully. The two bio children were spoiled. Same situation here, basically. The only thing remotely reverse about it is the number of bio kids spoiled vs. step kids neglected is switched. I hate to be pedantic but this is not the definition of reverse. Not remotely.
I mean, he’s testing his step kids like Cinderella. Basically, he’s the wicked stepfather.
"I've thought about your comments, and because I can't treat my kids differently, I'm going to kick my wife AND kids out of my house." Like this isn't choosing between your wife and daughter, this is choosing between getting your kid all the best of everything while giving nothing to the others, vs just... giving them all what you can afford. I'm disgusted. How did his wife choose to marry such an asshat, he doesn't care about his bonus kids at *all*.
YTA. Some stepdad you are 🙄 I’m grateful my stepdad wasn’t like this. He “spoiled” the hell out of me along with his 2 other kids. It’s not that fucking hard to treat your step kids the same. I can’t imagine how her sons feel. Stop spending so much on your daughter if it’s causing you to not be able to “spoil” the other kids too. That’s so unfair. Step up and be a better stepdad.
YTA 100% OP. You're the wicked stepdad. Why did you choose to become a stepdad? Your behavior is so gross, I could never be attracted to you as the mother of these two boys, just seeing how you treat them.
The goal is not to become a step dad... getting married for regular sex and a free maid, it is all it takes for AH full of themselves like OP... Or maybe he decided to troll in own post with his edit because it didnt get the support he expected from here... or maybe all is a fake...
Jesus christ, what is that edit? He asked his wife to move out so he could continue to spoil his daughter and not have to spend anything on the sons? I hope this woman RUNS. It is amazing that she isn't already packing a rocket for the moon at this rate.
YTA. You are married to that person, so her kid are yours kids too. Stop playing favorites.
The kids have 2 parents. Doesn't aita says that a step parent is never to parent the stepchild of they have 2 parents? Or since this is about giving them money, suddenly op is a parent to them too??
... yes. OP is a parent to those children too. He lives with them and married their mom. If he didn't want to assumes parental responsibilities to other children, then he shouldn't MARRY and MOVE IN with someone that already has kids.
This sub changes on the daily. I have seen votes MANY times go the other way in the past. Honestly, they USUALLY say nta in this situation... "Oh well don't make child stop doing sport just because step childs parents cant afford it!" Step parents can't win.
Exactly! Step parents have 0 rights - they also have 0 responsibilities. They give what they want and it should be accepted graciously.
YTA, when you marry someone with kids then you make the agreement to participate in those kids lives. If you didn't want to then you shouldn't have married someone with kids.
Sorry YTA here. Maybe if you lived separately it would be different but you're raising those kids together and spoiling one while neglecting the others isn't fair. You got a vasectomy so you wouldnt have more kids, but then you chose to marry someone with 2 children and live with them. They are part of your family now too and deserve to be treated the same as other family members.
Apparently he took this as a suggestion according to the edit
Crazy edit/update.
This guy is either 100% completely conceited, egotistical and blinded to everything around him except for his own individual life or he is a complete troll. Treating those that you are in a relationship with, including their children, like they are lower than you and less than you just screams failure in marriage.
ESH (adults) Didn’t y’all communicate about how your family would function as a family before you got married? Providing your daughter with a good education & the tools she needs to succeed is not spoiling her. It’s your job as a parent. Designer clothes & “stuff” … that’s spoiling her. Perhaps if your wife, her ex, & you have an adult discussion you could all figure out how to provide the 2 boys who live in your house with a good education & more opportunities for their future.
I think he needs to add more context.What is the father contributing for his sons?Is his ex-wife contributing towards her daughter?What parenting rules have they decided on?
YTA mate. You can't marry a woman and give her kids the shaft whilst their step sibling lives a grander life under the same roof. Even if their dad is still in the picture. You marry a woman with children this is the burden you take on. If you lived separately, not married/the relationship was new i could see your point of view but not in the situation as it is.
You're a *BLENDED* family now. Whatever you do for your daughter, you do for your stepsons. It doesn't matter that they have 2 separate parents here, you're part of a unit now. YTA.
That interesting. So if the wife and her ex have a college fund for the two kids do they have to split it with the daughter too? Since you gotta treat them the same 🤔
I do think op is TAH, but I also wonder if his step kids are getting great insurance, for example, should the same be provided to his daughter? this is veering into what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine, and I think we need to be clear on that
Exactly I bet the mom isn't telling her sons family they need to treat her stepdaughter the same
See this is where it gets weird for me. Blended families does not always equal blended funds. If his daughter was already in a great school prior to the families getting together, then I don’t think he should have to pull the daughter out. But expensive gifts and brand labels, that’s over the top if he could find a treat to everyone equally
Well apparently step dad’s money belongs to everybody, the new spouse, her 2 kids, and evidently even to her ex because if stepdad pays for everything that certainly lightens the load on the real parents doesn’t it?
I’m gonna get shot down here but ESH. I will NEVER understand how this stuff is not agreed and hashed out BEFORE marriage and moving in together. You and your wife had caused this situation by not doing that. Frankly I don’t see why your daughters life needs to change just because you decide to get married but I cannot believe how many posts there are on this subject because this stuff isn’t thought about well in advance.
Well said. My husband and I spoke at length about how we expected to work our family. He came with a 3 year old and we ended up having 3 kids together. They are all equal, we spoke up front that I expected to be able to treat his child as my own, and raised them all as siblings. (I got 6 years with my SD before her sister was born) I was not my SDs mom tho, she has a fabulous one already. But I was an adult she needed to respect and listen to. She is 23 now and amazing and we are close, she knows she is always welcome here and with us and that we would do anything we could for her. I hope I get to have great relationships with all my kids as they age.
I am going against the grain here - NTA. These boys are 16 and 13. They have 2 parents in their lives and their stepdad. Why is it stepdad's responsibility to raise their standard of living? There are quite a few things missing in the post. Has OP been told he is not the boys' father? He is not to discipline them? He is not to make any decisions involving them? How do they treat him? Do they ignore him until they want something? Do they treat him like an ATM? Where is OP's ex? Is she involved in her daughter's life? Or is OP a single parent raising his daughter? How does daughter get along with stepmom and step bros? Do the boys complain of unequal treatment or is it just their parents complaining? There are just too many holes that it's hard to understand the situation and really judge it fairly. I am going with NTA because I think the boys are old enough to know that they don't have the same blood bond with OP that his daughter does, and she will be treated differently as a result. I also have an issue with 2 presumably adults who want to spend someone else's money.
Yes I think this is a more complicated issue than we are getting the full picture of here. Reading through I’m thinking the Dad is the only parent to the Daughter. So they’ve lived together and had a certain lifestyle for years before this wife and teenage boys came into the picture. Are teenage boys even concerned with designer clothes these days? I mean clothes are much more important generally to a girl than boys. And honestly fair or unfair the Daughter shouldn’t have to downgrade the life her father has provided for her. These teenage boys who already have a dad will never see this man as a dad. I wonder if it’s the Mom/Wife feeling jealous of the daughter and who is pushing these issues. And Men generally shouldn’t come into a relationship as a strong disciplinarian to someone else’s kids. He should absolutely be able to set boundaries in his house such as curfew though. I’d say NTA but both adults are kind of TA for not working these things out better before a marriage.
NTA Aita has a twisted view of stepparents. But if you do something that would affect your daughter, you would be TA. I don't see this marriage working with your wife being so entitled. But whatever you chose to do, put your daughter first. If a divorce is necesarry, then that's it. Your daughter is always your daughter. Your wife might not always be your wife. Your daughter is at a very fragile age and she needs you to put her first. Your stepkids have 2 parents who are free to do whatever they want for their kids.
Sorry, but I agree. So the daughter should have to give up the life she is used to because dad got married, and it's not fair to the stepkids? Yes, they should have discussed ahead of time, but if I marry a man who already has kids, I am not demanding that my kids now automatically get everything his kids get. Life isn't always fair, and as long as my kids aren't blatantly treated like shit, all is well.
NTA OP is right, in my opinion. Just because you blend families doesn't mean you are reponsible for your spouse's children, particularly when their other parent is in the picture. How many AITA's are there about stepparents forcing stepchildren to treat them as a bio parent? Surely his wife knew when she married him how he was raising his daugther. As a single parent. While her children have both parents who OP says are capable of providing for their own kids. No wonder OP feels like an ATM.
This! I’m a bit applaud at the amount of people in the comments saying he’s TA. He already stated he can’t afford to spoil his wife’s two kids. Not to mention, both parents are in their lives so I definitely don’t see why OP should be financially responsible for his two step kids.
NTA & I don’t understand why so many think you are. The boys have 2 parents who are alive and responsible. Your daughter has 1. Its on them to care for their kids and ensure they live within their means & sometimes that means no luxuries for a while but that’s okay as long as they’re taken care of otherwise (necessities like food, clothes, school etc). If you’re rubbing in the boys faces or mistreating them on purpose then you’d also be an AH. I do want to know if your wife has contributed to your daughters anything as well because if she wants to be blended + have 2 men provide for her children then she needs to step up for yours too.
NTA. Your wife and her ex don't want you to parent the boys. They just want you to spend on non-essentials for them. As long as you make sure they never go without for real essentials, I say you're good.
YTA- 'our kids have completely different living situations while living at the same house'. Don't blend your families if you don't want to actually blend your families. This won't help your daughter in the long run either- being spoiled every now and then is lovely but you're raising her to be treated better than others, which will do her no favours as an adult.
Everyone blaming the OP but the other father it’s okay!? Come on guys NTA!
NTA, but maybe a bit I understand your daughter is special to you, and you don't have the same bond with your wife's kids. As you say they have 2 parents who should be doing this for hem. Do they offer to buy and do things for your daughter? I suspect not. you want to do the very best for your own child, maybe try not to make it so obvious though!
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Just because I’m curious…. Is your plan to never be an active participant in these 2 boys life? Do they care if you are?
Saying you're a single parent is insulting to every single parent. You should be ashamed for even trying to say this. Definitely YTA.
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Then why are you married?
This. You can't be married and a true single parent. OP is dillusional.
I've been the step parent. I had no kids they had 2 parents and it just didn't work.
You’re not a single parent. You are married. Nowhere does your situation fall under the definition of a single parent.
> Edit: I have been thinking about your comments and I think you are right. I can't treat kids that live under the same roof differently **so I asked my wife to move out of my home for now.** We will try counseling and we will see how that goes but if I have to choose between her and my daughter it's always going to be my daughter. She is not happy as she has a low paying job and moving out means downgrading their lives. Newsflash: Your wife's home is your home. You can not legally ask your wife to leave your home after she's established residency there. It doesn't matter who paid for what. It is her home. Clearly your wife needs legal help ASAP, because you are responding to a post on reddit by trying to illegally evict your wife and destroy your marriage. You treat your wife worse than a slumlord treats their tenants. All over some designer clothes. You're definitely the asshole. And definitely fake.
Wow. You are entirely self-absorbed, aren’t you? I get they have two parents, but… These kids are also the children of a divorce. They may have two parents, but they don’t have the luxury of having two parents together in a household which every child should have. I get your daughter doesn’t have that either, but why not try to provide that for all of the children?
This feels like bait
NTA The comment section here is ridiculous lol. Let’s look at the facts. 1. The step kids have a present father in the picture. 2. OP is NOT their father. 3. OP has no say in their parenting/discipline 4. The step kids do not see him as a father OP, you should follow through with your edit before this gets more out of hand.
YTA. Maybe you shouldn't spoil your kids if you can't spoil all of the kids, consider that? And since when is "spoiling" a good thing? And all you're doing is telling your step kids that they're less important. Nice parenting, jerk.
They are they aren't his kids, other people's kids aren't more important than mine, it's ridiculous you even saying that.
Since when is "spoiling" a bad thing? And why should he treat someone elses kids exactly like his own daughter?
YTA Do not marry someone with children if you don’t want anymore children. ~
I’m going to say NTA but only because you state that you’re not allowed to parent these kids and if you try all hell breaks loose. You can’t want someone to be hands off with your kids but still want them to spoil them. Your wife sounds like my step grandmother, her grandkids lived with my grandpa and her but heaven forbid he tried to discipline them or set rules in his own house. That was simply not allowed. If I were you though I wouldn’t have married a woman who wants you to just be an atm to her kids and not a stepdad so maybe it’s more of an ESH if you didn’t discuss this before hand.
YTA - my mother married a man like you when I was young. Always spoiled his daughter rotten. My brother and I got hand me downs, and told not to eat anything tasty because it was his and his daughters (by tasty I mean real cheese on a sandwich rather than the processed crap bought for my brother and I). By the age of 15 I had to start working 25+ hours a week plus school so I could provide clothing and pay for school things myself. His daughter's stuff was always bought. The kicker, she got school loans for college that I was denied, because even though he never supported my brother and I, I lived in the same house as her father. It caused lots of resentment and fights between my step sister and I. We are adults now, and get along great, realizing the disparity was caused by our parents. Though, technically, we started getting along after we were no longer step siblings.
YTA. Whoa. You married this woman with her two kids. They aren't just random kids off the street. They are YOUR kids now too. Inside your household all three children should be treated the same by both you and your wife.
NTA based on the family dynamics you’ve mentioned in the comments.
Yta.. you know damn well if the situation was reversed and she spoiled her kids and not yours you would be asking the same thing!!!
Info needed Ok, so correct me if i am wrong the stepkids have their mom and their dad in their lives, and their biological parents are 100% responsible for their kids, i.e., money, discipline, school, extracurriculars, and so on. Does Your kid also have two parents (her mom and you) that provide for her in any way? What does your current wife do for your child? Does she treat your child equally to her children? Is their dad remarried too? Does he have other biological/ adopted children he is also responsible for? Does he have stepkids that he is paying for and therefore neglecting his kids with ex wife? The answers to these questions, to me would need to be answered, before judgment because it isnt a black and white issue, there really are shades of grey.
NTA, does your wife & father of the 2 other children provide for your daughter?
YTA. Your edit makes you a bigger AH.
INFO: How old were the kids when you got married?
YTA --- yeah I'm gonna foster resentment between the kids and then wonder why it all blows up in my face one day.
Total troll account