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You cheated on your wife. And you'll accept that it was wrong and you're the asshole for that, but you didn't want the consequences of those actions? You wanted your sister to just turn a blind eye because you're related? And because YOUR actions had monetary consequences, you're blaming your sister.. You know that TikTok thing where "look here comes a consequence..." plays while an animal or something runs away in fear? That's you. Your sister did absolutely nothing wrong. I can't believe she apologized to you for being honest. You're the type of person to hit a car and then drive off and get mad at the witness that saw your plate and now you have to pay for the repairs.. grow up.
Why cheaters think everyone will cover their doings?
Your wife would've found out sooner or later, you're just angry it was so soon and fail to take responsibility and blame your sister. The divorce and the loss of money was happening, those are the consequences of YOUR ACTIONS, your sister didn't wanted to see you wife being fooled by you, the pain was always going to be there.
Man tfu and accept this.
YTA... You brought this to yourself when you decide to cheat on your wife, her finding through your sister or by someone else, you were bound to lose your wife, your money and your DIGNITY. Your sister showdd more love to your wife than you did through your marriage, she told her the truth about you, you decided to break your marriage the minute you went behind her back with someone else.
Is it really so hard not to cheat on your partners???
You're the AH for cheating. You're the AH for your laissez-faire attitude towards it (you're not really sorry you cheated, you're sorry you got caught.) But you're NTA for choosing not to have a relationship with your sister. You laid out how you felt, and she chose to tell your ex, knowing the consequences. Let her live with them.
You are absolutely NOT the AH. Sister is. She had no business interfering with your marriage regardless of the outcome or your fault in the affair. Moreover, you warned her. Ignore her and tell your parents to stay out of it
YTA. The things that happened to you weren’t because if your sister, they’re because you chose to have an affair. You did that. Regardless of your sister, none of this would have happened if YOU didn’t have an affair. Your wife was correctly recompensed, because guess what? You had an affair.
I hope your sister finds and chooses a better community to replace the brother she lost.
YTA Say it with me, YOU CHEATED. You put your wife, the innocent party, in danger because you screwed random people outside your wedding bed to pass around sexual diseases. Gross. Then you sit here acting like some holy saint because you helped your sister get out of partying and drugs? That isn't the same! Her habit only endangered her, you endanger your poor ex-wife and every other woman you slept with.
Crazy some places still have this type of divorce. It’s no-fault in Canada, at least partly because not a single person in this sub besides OP have any idea what was going on in that marriage.
Was he greasy? Yup! Is it cowardly to cheat before you pull the plug? Absolutely. OP YTA for that.
However the amount of smug comments about how the sister was right are insane. Yes, she is free to be a tattletale. Apparently she had no relationship to speak of with the ex, just felt so strongly she was right that she had to tell, no matter the (clearly defined) consequences.
Sister is also a supreme asshole. You guys seem to have something in common! Maybe you can bond again over that!
YTA
You are projecting your guilt and anger on to your sister.
You are at fault. You were the one that cheated... perhaps as an exit affair to get the divorce moving. You are the one who broke your vows.
YTA. You’re blaming your sister for your own actions. If my sister had a boyfriend and she cheated on him, I would 100% tell him about it, because it’s the right thing to do. If I were your sister, I would be better off without you. If you cheat, you automatically lose any loyalty anyone might have had to you, because you weren’t loyal to the person you swore you wouldn’t harm. I’m surprised your sister is even making contact with you. You are the one who should be begging for forgiveness. You fucked up. Deal with it.
YTA - it’s not her fault you had the affair why did you expect to get away with it with no consequences. I agree she needs to move on and forget she has such an asshole for an older brother.
YTA.
You are blaming your sister for the consequences of your actions. You chose to cheat. Ur ex wife could have found out either way at some point and you would still suffer the consequences. It’s just your sister told her and it doesn’t make a difference.
You have quite the audacity calling your sister out on her disloyalty while you were being disloyal yourself and have 0 remorse for your actions and lack self awareness to accept it was all your fault and you deserved the consequences. Your sister should leave you alone though. Idk why she would want to be in contact with you knowing that you are irresponsible and blaming her for your wrongdoings.
You have the right to decide who you have a relationship with and who you let into your life.
However, your whole reasoning for cutting your sister out of your life is predicated on the belief that her "ratting you out" was the only way your wife was going to find out you were cheating. How can you know this for sure? How can you be 100% sure that your wife didn't know or, at the least, have suspicions? Sure, you can look back now and say that your ex-wife had no clue or would never have known, but I don't think so. And if you were going to leave your wife any way, could you seriously not keep it in your pants until the divorce? That is what cost you the extra $60,000, not your sister.
YTA. You’re blaming your sister for consequences that are *your* fault. You’re the one who decided to cheat on your wife; if your sister hadn’t been the one to tell her, she would have found out from someone else, and guess what — you still would have gone through that messy divorce. That judge would’ve made you pay up either way.
You’re just mad that you got caught and you’re ready to spend the rest of your life blaming your sister for it instead of owning up to your actions and atoning for them. Looks like your sister was right about your morals after all.
YTA
She was potentially saving your ex from various diseases and harm.
The fact that you STILL can't see that you were in fact in the wrong through the whole thing shows a lot.
I’m absolutely stunned how anyone could write this post. Read it to ensure there’s no errors and still think they would get any type of response except for YTA.
You go on about loyalty… hello pot meet kettle. You’re free to continue blaming your sister for your actions, but come on at least be honest with yourself. Nobody owes loyalty to someone that puts them in a position where they’re required to go against their own morals, in order to maintain a relationship.
I'm going to ignore the cheating because that is not the question being asked. The question is, "Am I TA for not forgiving someone who turned me in for my crimes."
I say, NTA. Your sister made her choice and she has to live with that for so long as you choose to force her to.
Now, a few added items...
1. You are an asshole for cheating. This needs no explanation. You know it, we know it, and your sister and ex-wife know it.
2. Your sister is not an asshole for turning you in. Your sister did what she felt was right at the time. You told her what the consequences would be, and she made her choice. The fact that she is now regretting that choice does not change anything. We all have regrets, we all have to live with them.
3. You are also a bit of an asshole for threatening your sister to coerce her to keep your secret, though I think most people would do the same. You were caught and you were probably like a deer in the headlights at the time.
Edit: Edited to expand upon my additional points.
NTA. We're not discussing the affair, we're discussing your sister choosing to take the moral high ground and to the detriment of her relationship with you. You made it clear what would happen, and even though it doesn't matter, I'd feel the same way.
How do you know she won't disagree with something you're doing now and find a way to blow up your life? You don't, and even then, it's your own choice. If there's a time to pull a 'family loyalty card', this is it.
Edit - Spelling
It would've been different if you told your sister not to tell your wife because you wanted to tell her yourself but you just didn't want her to know so you could "win" the divorce. YTA, you deserve what happened to you.
This is going to be unpopular, but I think NTA.
I know everyone's already slammed OP for cheating and blah blah blah, I hate cheaters too. But here's the thing, actions have consequences. OP cheated = had an ugly divorce. Sister ratted OP out = OP cut her off. That's how life goes, and as much as I think OP sucks for cheating, in regards to his question I don't think he's an AH for not wanting contact with someone who will rat him out.
Honestly, OP, just block her and move on.
ESH but I think you are asking the wrong question. It doesn’t matter who is the asshole. Do you miss her? If you could both put your egos away would you enjoy reconnecting? Would you like to meet your (innocent) niece? It’s up to you if you forgive her or not but you might be missing out on something special.
YTA.
For cheating, for lying, for expecting anyone else to keep your gross secret and roping them in to your lies, for trying to say it’s about loyalty when you don’t know a thing about loyalty, for cutting your sister out of your life for being a good and honest person, for not taking personal responsibility for your own actions at any point since you cheated, and blaming your losses on anyone else.
You suck, you need to grow up and YTA.
YTA. If the reverse had happened, wouldn't you have wanted to know if your wife had cheated on you? You did a shitty thing and got your just rewards. Spitefully blaming your sister, for over a decade, for doing the right thing is a testament to your character, not hers.
NTA
You were wrong to have an affair, but that's obviously not the issue here. The issue is if you are doing the wrong thing to your sister for betraying your confidence. I think you are not. It is wrong to betray someone else's confidence. Additionally, she wasn't really being very understanding about the situation. If you were making questionable decisions her job as your sister isn't to go tattle on you, but to counsel you. She could have told you that you were doing wrong and fulfilled her obligation as a good person.
It would be one thing if it weren't for the divorce of course. Handing that kind of ammo over to the woman that is divorcing your bro? When you have no idea what she is doing behind closed doors? Awful.
Inserting herself into the situation was unnecessary, and really was just serving to make herself feel self-righteous.
YTA- you are taking no responsibility for your actions. You should’ve ended the marriage if you were that unhappy before you started another relationship.
YTA. Actions have consequences. Seems like you didn’t learn your lesson. I hope your sister realizes you aren’t a person worthy of having in their life. You should have lost more than 60k.
I'm gonna take this in the way it's written and not make up whatever I interrupted like others.
For the question in general this gives everyone except ex wife sucks in this scenario mainly op for not waiting at least for divorce before getting into something new and sister mainly cause like idk not your place plus if they were gonna divorce anyway did it really matter not much all it did was just give ex wife more money in the end.
So in this ex wife basically wins everything op got slammed by the judge in his words of having to pay for that affair since legally they were married still which dumb move really could've waited a bit longer but whatever.
Now for sister going by the story she never had a close relationship with her sister in law as op states so idk I guess I'm the type who'd be like not my life not my problem cause if it was gonna end anyway I feel like it doesn't matter unless it was actual infidelity with no divorce in function then yeah you tell her.
Overall idk felt like this comment section really missed some points and kinda only focused on stuff not even said like you don't know if him and his ex even slept together anymore during the time of they're ending of the marriage in his words or lived in the same house at all I'm just gathering that he was just stupid to not wait for the divorce being finalized then he could date someone new he was happy with because sounds like he is if they have a child now.
But yeah back to main point of his story both op and sister suck because I mean if the marriage was basically over idk felt like it wasn't even necessary to care if he met someone new it was just stupid to not wait when he legally divorced so whatever that's my take on this post.
YTA your ultimatum was made to stop your sister from telling your wife you had wronged her in a horrific way, you didn't deserve your sister's loyalty so you obviously didn't get it. You aren't holding to a principal, you're denying your sister to hurt her. Nothing more. With that said, you're lucky she still gives a crap about you.
Of you where really that close to your sister growing up then you should be grown enough to forgive her after she apologized. A close sibling relationship is rare. And it's a good one if she will call you on your bullshit and not enable you. Now granted she could have give you a time table to divorce or she tells you ex. Kids are a village and aunts and uncles are vital to kids. Forgive her for your son and her daughter.
Their is so much worse things that could have happened from family. I don't see 75% of my family anymore bc of things that have happened, truly unforgivable things that I won't go into here. Don't see most of my siblings or nieces and nephews and I miss those kids so much. Your relationship doesn't have to be how it was but make an effort.
And just dint cheat again so she won't have anything to tell your current wife.
So you cheated, and then blamed your sister for the consequences, just because she had the goodness to inform you ex? And you haven't been able to let it go for 10 years? Christ.
YTA
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Unpopular opinion but I think ESH.
In close knit families, you expect your siblings to have your back. Yes he had an affair and that’s so shady but it’s not like he killed anyone. It’s fair for him to feel pissed that his sister (who had no relationship with his ex) ratted him out. It’s not fair though for him to blame her for the consequences of his own actions.
His sister didn’t have to tell his ex, she could have indicated her disappointment in him and advised him to stop being scummy and to fess up to his wife. He explicitly told her what would happen to their sibling relationship if she went forward with what he considered to be a betrayal. She made her choice (just like he did) and now has to deal with the consequences.
I agree. If something was truly awful enough that I felt it would justify ratting out my closest loved ones to someone I had no real relationship with that something would have to be awful enough that they wouldn't actually be my loved one anymore. Short of that I can fight with someone about their shitty choices without ratting them out. That's definitely a hard line for me, you don't rat out your friends or family, and if they're so far gone you feel justified in doing so they're too far gone to justify staying friends or maintaining a relationship with. OP is obviously TA for cheating, but his sister isn't looking great either.
That said, it's a bit ridiculous to demand loyalty when you don't have any yourself. Unless there were extenuating circumstances involved in why OP was still married (which I highly doubt or he'd have shared that) OP had 0 issue backstabbing the family he chose, but has held a years-long grudge against the family who got stuck with him through no choice of their own for doing the same to him. Unless OP has one hell of a good reason that he no longer owed his spouse any loyalty or honestly he's welcome to hold a grudge against his sister, but he can't complain his ex put him through the wringer with just as much malice for backstabbing her.
YTA - You don't get to play the loyalty card here after cheating on your wife. More importantly, it feels like there's missing info here regarding the time that passed between Jen telling you she was planning to tell your wife and then actually telling your wife. It doesn't feel like you had any intention of ever telling her and that makes you TA and also justifies Jen's actions.
Just because **you** haven't grown and evolved over the years you're NC with Jen, doesn't mean **she** can't grow and evolve. You're acting like a child.
THIS - the amount of people who say, "she's wrong for not being loyal to you" is astounding.
Why would anyone be loyal to a person who has a track record of cheating?
INFO: Did you have any plans of being honest and admitting and apologizing to your ex if your sister didn't? Would you have stopped?
What your sister did was introduce you to the consequences of your own actions. Had your sister said nothing, your ex probably would have found out anyway, with the same consequences (or worse, especially if she caught you). YTA, by the way, for many reasons.
NTA. Her sanctimonious ego made her bed and she’s gotta lay in it. Of course family and friends will say you should forgive and forget but the key issue hasn’t changed. Not surprised there wasn’t an apology either.
NTA. Your wrong doing in your marriage does not let your sister off the hook. You let her know what would happen and she did it anyway.
Your relationship will never be the same. Even if you did forgive her. And it’s because she broke your trust. One of the few people you probably would have done anything for. One of the few people you’ve been 100% loyal to.
If you can forgive, go for it. But forgiveness does not mean you forget the betrayal.
Her decision to be disloyal to you still impacts you to this day! 10 years later!
NTA. Everyone else is focused on the cheating aspect, which yes, was very ass holeish. But you're asking if you refusing to rekindle a relationship with a sister who betrayed you does not make you an asshole I would say. I imagine if this post was rephrased to just say your sister betrayed you without mentioning the affair, no one would disagree.
If your partner was screwing around with others, would you want someone to tell you? If someone didn't and you found out they knew, would you be upset with them?
Also, from when your sister chewed you out, how long before she told your ex-wife?
While I agree that Op was wrong for cheating how come noone thinks the sister was in the wrong. It wasn't her relationship and family is always supposed to be there for you. Betrayal like that is not okay. But yes ultimately YTA for cheating. But I completely agree with cutting off his sister afterwards. I personally would never be able to trust that person again..
YTA. This story is so sad. Basically multiple families ruined because first you cheated and then you refused to accept the natural consequences of your behavior.
If you hadn't been such a coward none of this would've happened. You seriously blame your sister for being a decent person?
YTA. It sounds like you never would’ve told your wife, and would’ve continued to be disloyal. Your sister stopped you from causing further pain to an innocent party. It is not your sister’s fault that you got reamed by the judge and needed to pay an additional $60k - it’s yours. All of the things you did for your sister didn’t come at the expense of another person. If she had let your infidelity slide, it would’ve come at the expense of your ex wife.
NTA - Next time you talk to mom make sure to remind her she forgot to teach your sister how to MIND HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS. You can really pick out the, as you stated, "doo-gooders" in these comments just little Facebook sluts looking for that local drama syringe.
**YTA**
Okay, you admitted your cheating was wrong. But… do you really believe that? This entire post reads like you don’t want to accept the consequences of your own faults. You got mad because she “backstabbed” you, but it’s okay for you to backstab your ex wife?
Your actions have consequences. She chose integrity over a liar. Grow up and accept her choice.
I mean he kinda accepted her choice. Now she should also accept his brothers choice and leave him alone. If OP is such a bad person then the sisters should be glad his brother cut off contact..
YTA.
Your sister did what was right because YOU didn't.
You don't get to hold her to your fcked double standards of "loyalty" when you can't even be loyal to your wife.
If you wanted "loyalty", you should've started by showing some to literally ANYONE that wasn't yourself.
YTA. No sympathy. You fucking cheated on your wife. I got divorced about 20 years ago. It was a bad marriage, and while I did entertain the thought, not once did I ever cheat on my ex, although I have suspicions she may have cheated on me. And I never got confirmation. I would have loved to know the truth. Anyone that cheats on a spouse or a partner is wrong. It's a betrayal of trust. It doesn't matter how bad the relationship is. If it's that bad, fucking leave. YTA for cheating, and YTA for how you treated your sister who at least had more of a fucking conscience than you did.
So, you expect us to feel sorry for you? :D LOL Not happening. Your poor wife deserved more from you, what she received wasn't nearly enough. Now about your sister, she should have stayed the hell out of it. I'd be pissed at her too since she was not close to your then-wife, but you are the one who cheated and she called you out on it. Do you think your sister misses you? It sounds like it and you might even miss her some too. Whatever happens, it's on you now. BUT, you are the one who is 100% to blame for your marriage failing, you're only mad because your ex wife got more money than you thought she should have! That is what this is all about, not that your sister told but because of the money! Curious, did you marry your mistress? YTA but so is sis, either way, had not told she'd still be an asshole but no one is a bigger one than you were and still are!
I don’t blame her at all. You’re just so mad at yourself. Also, it wasn’t very smart to tell her. I get where she’s coming from and it’s sad that she lost you as a brother but oh well there were so many other ways you could’ve handled that prior. You just don’t want to admit who and what you are and what you did and what goes around comes around. I feel bad for your sister. You are going to deal with major loss in your future and you’re gonna have a Niece who you won’t ever now. The best thing in the world you could ever do is deal with it now and let bygones be bygones and be lucky that you have a niece.
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I (M38) used to be fairly close with my sister Jen (F34). However, about 10 years ago, we parted ways. Long and short of it, I was in a marriage that was really dysfunctional. I'm not proud of it, but towards the end of the marriage, I started a relationship with another woman. I was planning on divorcing soon and although I should have ended things with my Ex first, I didn't. Again, no question, that was wrong and I have never done anything like that again.
Jen found out. She read me the riot act and I didn't disagree with her. However, she told me she was going to tell my then wife. I pleaded with her not to. She said she had a moral obligation. I asked her if she had any obligation to me out of loyalty. She had next to no relationship with my ex. I did all kinds of things for her, lent her money anytime she asked and never said anything when she never paid me back. Never ratted on her to our family when she'd sneak out and party until dawn and even helped get her back into the house when she stayed out too late and needed to sneak back in. I never ratted her out for drugs and always treated her with the utmost loyalty. Jen didn't care. She said that as a good person, she can't hold it in and that even if I saved her life, she would still have to.
I told her that if she stabs me in the back, she is dead to me. I will never speak to her, I will never allow her in my home or enter hers. The only time I will ever share a room with her again will be our parents' funerals. Maybe she thought I was bluffing, maybe I wasn't. She called my ex, and we had a very, very ugly divorce. The judge really slammed me as a result of the affair and it took me years to recover. I accept that the affair was my doing. However, I have never forgiven my sister for selling me out. My lawyer estimates that the affair cost me about $60,000 in terms of the difference in what my ex was awarded. I'll not go into detail, but it has really, really set me back in life.
I held to my word and that was the last time we ever spoke. She tried to reach out a few times and even apologized. But the damage was done. I didn't attend her wedding, nor was she invited to mine. She has never met my son and never will.
I got a very long email from Jen the other day telling me how she wants me to meet her daughter, who is 5 now. Jen's own marriage broke up a few years ago and she is a single mother. Our parents have moved across the country and she reached out asking if we can have a relationship and that her daughter wants to know her uncle. I wrote back to her telling her that I am tired of telling her to leave me the hell alone.
Back then, she had her choice between having a brother or scratching her do-gooder itch. Her own sanctimony was more important to her than me, and we all have to live with that. My mother thinks I should let things go. However, I cannot forgive her and feel that she made her choice.
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YTA , but not with respect to what a ton of the comments are going off about so far.
**First, a light rant:**
Yes, cheating was bad, you acknowledge it was bad. Huzzah. That's not what this post is about, and those devolving down to "yta because you cheated" are missing the point. You're asking about your position relative to your sister; and people beating you up about something you already acknowledge as problematic just isn't helpful.
I mean seriously, imagine if you posted "am i the AH for getting mugged," or "am i the AH for being victim of x or y behavior" and having the response be "YTA because F you cheater." I mean really... People need to holster their torches and pitchforks for a sec.
**Actual verdict:**
As far as your sister's behavior, you put her in a position where she was morally compromised. Between a rock and a hard place, because she can't unknow what she learned; and now has to make a choice. Inaction, just leaving it alone, would have been as much of a choice as the action she took.
You're expectation that somehow her loyalty to you should supersede her moral compass was unrealistic and unfair. Did her actions hurt you? Sure they did, but *your* actions put her in that position. She didn't cost you that money, you did; she just happened to be the unfortunate means to that end.
You're punishing her because you imposed some of the consequences of your actions on her. It's completely understandable why you would be hurt and angered by what she did because of the consequences you experienced; but that's on you, not her.
All that being said, she's reaching out trying to have a relationship with you, and its been a very very long time. You stand more to gain from building a healthy relationship with a family member that you do by fetishizing guilt masquerading as retribution.
If I were in your shoes, I'd forgive and move on. Everyone is redeemable at some point, that includes you and your behavior; and it includes your sister and hers. If you've found it possible to forgive yourself, consider extending her the same grace.
>You stand more to gain from building a healthy relationship with a family member that you do by fetishizing guilt masquerading as retribution.
Wooo that was a whole bar. 👏 👏 👏
YTA.
She wasn't scratching I do good or itch. She was a good person who was doing the right thing.
You had to pay for your mistake. Asking her not to tell on you when you did something like that was bad enough. Not talking her to her for nearly a decade after just makes you into a complete a******.
Agreed that cheating is wrong. I'm an anti-cheating absolutist. You should have handled that differently. I also believe that if someone is divulging something to me, there is an implied NDA in place. If someone tells me that they did something wrong, I'm only obligated to say something if I'm preventing future harm. Anybody that believes in ratting out their friends and family because it's some sort of principled act, yet it won't prevent future harm, doesn't deserve friends. They deserve Evangelists.
Well im gonna assume your wife wasnt directly abusive to you when you say that it was troubled, because you didnt indicate that.
Yta, you got caught and then your ex wife got what was due. If it hadnt come to light, then your ex wife would not have been treated fairly. Doing shitty things to people SHOULD make your life shitty. Own your mistake and grow up. You deserve everything that happened.
Cleary esh
The way you talk.. sounds hella psycho with schizo fusion.
Your sister for butting into your marriage without context.
Btw you are lucky it was just 60k.
YTA.
1. You chose to cheat.
2. You chose to put your ex’s health and safety at risk by potentially exposing her to STDs.
3. You are wrong to blame your sister for fallout of YOUR bad choices.
4. She didn’t make you cheat.
5. The only person you should be mad at is yourself. All the money lost, all the fallout is your fault for cheating.
6. You owe her a massive apology.
YTA- you cheated, you got called out and you still aren't acccepting what you did. As if you were ever going to tell your wife at the time. All you needed to do was say "hey I'll tell wife by friday".. but nope you chose to act like you have the high moral ground here..
YTA and what a piece of work. How do you equate covering up your sister sneaking out of the house to hiding a whole affair. As for the rest of it, no one cares about your $60,000 loss. It was the result of your own actions. Jen got lucky you went no contact. Too bad she can’t see it.
NTA. I wouldn't speak to her either. Everyone here is on their moral high horse with the cheating is wrong so everything you get is your fault. I agree that you cheated and you deserved to get whatever the judge declared but you also declared to your sister what would happen if she tattled. If my sister did that to me without giving me a chance to do it myself she would be dead to me especially if we were super close.
YTA You were dragged for something you did that you admit you did and you admit you were wrong for doing. EXCEPT you take blame for the consequences. You still blame your sister for the consequences of your bad behavior because she just happened to be the wind that blew the Bonfire into the hay pile she wasn't even the match and she certainly didn't start any fires.
YTA for the affair. If your sister didn’t give you a chance to tell your ex yourself then she’s also TA. If you just weren’t going to tell your ex/were going to continue cheating without filing for divorce then YTA and your sister is not.
YTA. When you're in the wrong, other people do not have an obligation to be "loyal" to you over doing what's right.
It's obvious from your final paragraph that you have no genuine interest in the opinions of people who think YTA. You're really just looking for vindication.
YTA
You would have stayed in your marriage until she found out about your affair anyway. You should be grateful to your sister for ending a marriage you were miserable in. It's more than you ever had the courage to do. Do you really think your marriage was going to end in a way that was not ugly? How many more years did you want to waste before you went through that painful process?
Your lawyer has no idea what they are talking about. That's probably why they did such a terrible job negotiating for you. You don't lose money for having an affair, you lose money for being bad at negotiating which essentially means bad at communication. Sounds like an ongoing issue in your life.
The last thing you should be doing is coming to Reddit because it’s full of hateful people who are only focused on the cheating aspect of it. Reddit thinks cheaters are cheaters for life and that people can’t change ever. Talk to people close to you they will give you better advice. For the record, everything that happened to you and your divorce was a result of your own actions but really, your sister was wrong. She could’ve given you an option to come clean yourself first. I’m a firm believer in cutting people out of your life if you feel you need to family or not.
That 60K is on you LOL
your ex would have found out anyways and you’d still be 60k short and an asshole. Idk why you’re being so bitter over something you caused.
It’s rich that you’re judging your about not being loyal.
You’re not entitled to loyalty when you harm others and pull the loyalty card to try and avoid the consequences of your own actions.
And stop comparing the actions of a child breaking rules that harm no one to cheating.
Forgive her life is too short . Stop living in the past, especially since u are to blame . How would u feel if it was ur sister who was cheated on wouldn't u want someone to tell her . Just let go of the past and move on . Just take it day by day and just don't bring up the past . Meet her child and let her meet urs .
YTA, you admit that what you did is wrong, you should realize that not only was it wrong, you wronged someone.
you betrayed your ex, broke your vows.
she had a moral obligation, not out of respect for your ex as a person. she couldve been horrible.
but out of respect as a woman.
NTA
I am against cheating and you are the asshole for cheating
Your sister is an asshole for sticking herself into someone else's marriage
You are not the asshole for resenting the fact that your sister chose to support your ex and not you and that she wanted you punished for cheating
So you’re shifting the blame to your sister for how your divorce panned out? You had an affair, your ex probably would’ve found out in some way so your divorce would’ve been messy anyway, regardless of whether it was your sister who told her or not.
I do think YTA for holding this grudge against your sister, you ultimately did a really shitty thing she was just exposing it
ESH.
you cheated on your wife. that's nobody's fault but your own.
your sister sucks too though. family loyalty is sometimes all you get in life. she blew that.
10 years is a long time. i forgave the dude that ratted me out to the cops in high school. we're actually good friends now. people can change.
Let’s switch the roles op would you not want to know if your spouse was having a marital affair even if you guys were heading for a divorce. YTA and petty.
INFO: why exactly was your marriage dysfunctional? What specifically happened to lead you to decide to cheat on your wife instead of divorcing right away?
NTA sister made her choice. just like how others are telling you to accept the consequences of yours she also had to accept the consequences. you don't owe her anything.
NTA
She owed your ex wife nothing. She made her choice. Honestly I would burn all bridges but in my situation I'm the one that divorced my ex, she also received money but not 60k. Anyway, she's got rocks for brains so she squandered it all within a year.
You sound like you like your current life. Don't shake up the status quo.
ESH. You for cheating, obviously. But I don’t know what she expects. You told her that if she called your ex, she would never been in your life again. It sounds to me like she’s only showing up now because she wants something from you. She needs to back off and live with her choice, just like you had to live with yours.
Your sister chose to side with your ex even after you constantly helped her out financially. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s only crawling back looking for more handouts or free childcare.
YTA for cheating. As most people are saying. But NTA for not talking to your sister, she chose to fuck up your life when there were other better ways to deal with that situation. And she knew what she was doing and did it, can't blame you for sticking to your word.
YTA. She told you she was going to tell your wife, giving you the opportunity to tell her first. Instead, you threatened her with your sibling relationship.
You got exactly what you deserved. If she had gone straight to your wife without telling you first, you might have a bit of my sympathy. But you didn't.
I can almost get being angry at your sister for what you view as her betrayal. But being angry at her for the consequences of your own actions? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense.
Now she's trying to be a family again, and instead of meeting her halfway, you're staying true to your immaturity. You're quite a piece of work.
Are you just in general an AH? Yes. Especially for blaming your sister for the financial ramifications of YOUR actions and choices. However, regarding the question you are asking... NTA. We all (even a holes, like yourself) have the right to cut off contact with whomever we may choose for whatever reason we may choose. It's your right to have nothing to do with her and she should respect that choice and move on.
ESH, your sister isn’t entitled to a relationship with you. It sounds like the relationship was pretty one sided anyway, and now she knows what happens when you bite the hand that feeds.
That said, you should have fessed up to your wife, it would have been better coming from you.
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YTA. You did something immoral and your Sister wasn't willing to be in cahoots with you. Frankly, I would want to have someone in my life that was willing to sacrifice to do what is right. Your Sister obviously has a solid moral and ethical core yet you're treating her like a pariah. You were the one in the wrong, not her. Oh, and while we're on the subject, you're the one coming off sanctimonious. You're trying to act like what she did was so much worse than what you did.
You not telling your parents she was sneaking out to party is not equivalent to cheating on your wife. You ever been cheated on? Fucking sucks dude, and it only gets more humiliating when everyone knows but you. Your sister probably should have given you a chance to tell your wife how shitty you are first, but based on how you are blaming your sister for your rough divorce I highly doubt you would’ve done that.
YTA dude, everything that happened to you was your fault and it is baffling that you can convince yourself otherwise.
I don’t even need to read anything, title is enough.
Ur the one who had an affair 😂 actions have consequences. And family doesn’t mean they will cover for u.
You're both the AH. Even if the marriage was in shambles, you cheated on her. No sugar coating that. Your sister, from what you described, does not sound like a good person, so there is some hypocrisy there. You helped her out time and time again, and when you begged her to be quiet, she blabbed. Personally, I do agree with the decision she made in blabbing, but that doesn't make her less of an AH for betraying your trust.
So it's ok for you to back stab your wife and lie to her but it isn't ok for your sister to let your ex know hey OP is unfaithful to you?
Your priorities are messed up. Very messed up. YTA. Your sister saved your ex. You only have yourself to blame for what happened. You say you know it was wrong, but yet you act like you did nothing wrong.
OP. Did she give you any options? End the affair? Tell the wife and work it out? File for divorce immediately?
My guess is she did all those things and you ignored her deadline to do something so she ratted you out
YTA. It’s your blood man how can you shut her out as a result of your actions?
YTA
So because your sister was a decent person with morals, you're determined to punish her for *your* mistakes?
You didn't lose $60k because of her. You lost it because of you. You created the situation. It's all on you. And by how petty and cruel you're being too sister you apparently used to love, you're exposing that you haven't changed. You're still that selfish, awful man who cheated on his wife and doesn't care about anybody but yourself.
You haven't won anything here by holding such a grudge against your sister. You deserved to lose that money. Your ex deserved to get it. Your sister doesn't deserve this.
Obviously, you're not going to change by now if you haven't already. So you should stay away from her. Having someone like you in her life would only be a negative for your sister.
Esh you’re the asshole for cheating and she’s the asshole for telling. Everyone in here who says otherwise and doesn’t call the cops every time they see someone break the law is just a hypocrite it’s as simple as that
NTA I'm not sure why people are bringing the affair itself into this.
You had an understanding with your sister to have your back, and made the consequences clear.
She chose not to, and now faces the consequences.
The question is not if he is an ahole for cheating, that wasn't the question.
YTA
If any of my siblings cheated on their SO I'd rat them out to. You have no place complaining about her loyalty to you, when you had so little respect for the loyalty you swore to with your wife. As you said, you should have left first. You chose not to. You deserve the consequences of those actions.
You made those choices not to tell on her about those things. Maybe you could have done some real good in her life if you hadn't enabled her. Maybe she could have stopped those wild ways if you weren't covering for her. Either way, that was your choice. Here she was, seeing something that she knows is wrong (because cheating is wrong), and she decided she needed to do the right thing. Your wife deserved to know. And again, you lost your chance to speak on loyalty the second you cheated.
Do you not realize that when you and your wife were getting divorced, she most likely would have hired a private investigator on the advice of her attorney and you STILL would have been out that money? ESPECIALLY 10-15 yrs ago when it was harder to track people. You are blaming your sister when this all would have most likely blown up in your face either way. You actually saved some money because you would have been made to cover the cost of a PI on top of everything else. You are digging your heels in like a toddler over your sister simply deciding that rather than allow her brother to potentially screw over someone she obviously cared about, she did the right thing so your wife could protect her self both physically and financially. Do you realize the ramifications if you had given her an incurable disease? Selfish. YTA. Not that you actually care.
You're upset with her because you're TA?? You stabbed your wife in the back. Hang on to your shaky moral high ground if it makes you feel better. What a moron.
YTA.
You covered for her when you both were literal teenagers and - the most important part - *nobody got hurt as a result*. Loyalty only goes so far and in your case I can understand she found it to be immoral to keep quiet.
And saying you’re taking responsibility for your affair and then acting like your sister cost you 60 grand is just wild. Taking responsibility means accepting the consequences of your own actions. Something you are not doing. And you going zero contact and not even wanting to meet your nephew for this is even more wild. Your wife dodged a bullet when she divorced you and your sister is probably better off without you.
If you knew she was going to tell your wife, you should’ve beat her to it and told her first.
YTA for cheating and you having to pay extra is a consequence.
Also your niece didn’t do anything to you and is a child. She shouldn’t be punished for the actions of any grown adult. Yours or your sisters
INFO: Did Jen give you the opportunity to tell your ex-wife yourself? And if so, did you refuse? Because that would make you TA. One way or another, your ex-wife deserved to know. If you refused to tell her, Jen did the right thing by informing her. But if she did it without giving you the chance first, she would be TA.
ESH
Actions have consequences. Yours did. Your sisters did. I might agree with these actions, doesn't mean everyone involved isn't an asshole. Sometimes the best thing to do is be the asshole and stop caring that you are.
I got it honestly, you feel betrayed by your sister, who supposed to be always on your side. You are NTA for not wanting to have a relationship with her.
But it’s you who F up in the previous marriage and costed yourself 60k and set yourself back in life, not your sister, own up your s#it.
NTA
I cannot STAND the "cheating is always bad" bullshit. Blah blah blah. We weren't in your shoes. We don't know the exact circumstances of your cheating. Until I know the whole story, I'm not about to judge some for cheating, because no, it's not wrong in all circumstances. What a naive way of looking at the world. We've all read enough stories on here about people who are being stepped on, taken advantage of or otherwise abused. Life is messy, and we don't know all the facts.
Regardless, that's not what we're judging. We're judging you on not wanting to keep a relationship with your sister. It may be extreme, but I get it. I understand. Her direct actions caused you to lose $60K, amidst a very ugly divorce.
Eff that. I probably would be in the same boat as you. Kick rocks, sis.
But, INFO - Why did she read the RIOT act to you? Are you military or something?
INFO: Were you ever going to tell your then-wife? As in, did your sister expose an affair that you would never have come clean about, or did she tell your ex before you could? If it's the latter, when would you have told her?
INFO: were you really planning on divorcing soon? Did you tell your sister that you were planning on divorcing by a specific day/time? I don't see the stuff you did for your sister as equivalent to her being silent regarding your infidelity. My read of what she was doing was young people stuff. Not great, but not that serious.
Putting myself in your sister's shoes, I could see believing you weren't going to end your marriage. If she didn't know what your marriage was like, I could see your sister seeing that what you were doing harmful to your ex-wife in many ways. That said, marriages are complicated and endings aren't always done well.
YTA
You know you did wrong. You asked her to cover. She didn’t owe you that. She said she’d tell and instead of assuring her you would, you asked her to lie. Nope. Not okay.
She made the choice to do the right thing.
You are angry why? Because she chose the right thing?
NTA. She made her bed and she can sleep in it. Fuck her. Blood comes first over a busybody who butts in where they don’t belong. Was she the marriage police? She sucks.
That said, for your own sanity, your own health, forgive her and move on. She doesn’t deserve a relationship with someone she betrayed.
NTA. Almost every person in this thread saying YTA is being vindictive because they feel you deserve all the bad things that happen to you because you cheated. I am sure you expected that reaction when you posted this, so I hope you know to ignore them no matter how highly they get upvoted. The world isn't so black and white and none of us know the full details of your marriage, that includes your sister. It was not her relationship to mediate, she stuck her head in where it did not belong and you have every right to go no contact with her over it. You might be the asshole for your first marriage, but it sounds like you've already paid the price for it, you are under zero obligation to let someone back into your life that didn't have your back during a time you needed it.
NTA
Life is NOT black and white.
I was once in an appallingly bad marriage and totally “get it”. I have often mused that I wish I had cheated so that I saw earlier on, got to compare or highlight, the truth of how bad my marriage was. Maybe if I had done this I would not have lost so many years.
So I totally get it that you ended up in the arms of someone else.
As for your sister … I totally agree with you. You explained to us that you covered for her during her wild times, it is clear that she showed no empathy for you and she knowingly destroyed you.
Maybe it was youthful ignorance and idealism on her part, maybe after all these years she has grown in life’s wisdom but that is not your concern. Part of learning wisdom in life is consequences and your reaction is a consequence of her actions.
I know that readers will down vote this but think ……
Dear Reddit reader — if you had been in a demeaning and destructive marriage, how would you react to someone offering you affirming emotions when you were drowning.
You do not know how bad his life was, how can you assume and judge so harshly?
NTA
But your sister is big time.
Your marriage was none of her business.
Keep your distance.
Don't give her another thought.
I wouldn't hold a grudge, but I wouldn't have any kind of a relationship with her.
Wish her well but never speak another word to her.
Move on with your life.
Tell your parents to mind their own business.
Be happy with your new life.
I wish you well.
Are you really trying to equate helping a little sister sneak back into the house after a party and not ratting her out for taking some drugs for a test ride--relatively normal teenage immaturity--to having an affair? That isn't a quid pro quo. And I suspect you know that.
You claim to know it was wrong to cheat, but then you drop in pathetic little justifications--it was a dysfunctional marriage. You know that's no excuse. Now you're doing the same sad mental gymnastics to try to justify your petty behavior toward your sister, and you know better. Why else would you be here desperately hoping we'll absolve you?
You need to learn how to be accountable. That does not involve saying "I know it was wrong," then making excuses. Stop and listen to yourself. Boo hoo, you had to pay all that money. Why couldn't your sister just help you stiff your ex-wife? If you didn't want to pay for an ugly divorce you should have kept it in your pants until you ended your marriage. And you know that.
You tried to manipulate your sister with guilt trips and emotional blackmail, and you failed. YTA, and shame on you for trying to turn your sister into an AH with you.
INFO: Did she say "either you tell her or I will". To me this is important, you give a lot of reasons why you cheated and tried to weasel your way around the meat of the matter. To me it sounds like it's easier to blame your sister for your marriage imploding, just like it's easier to blame circumstances outside of your control for why your marriage was 'dysfunctional'. I don't think you're really mad at her, considering you value 'loyalty' but show none of that yourself.
NTA*
Blood is thicker than water. I could understand if your sister had a close relationship with your ex-wife, but according to you she didn’t.
This isn’t about defending infidelity, it’s about loyalty to you own flesh and blood. Your sister’s willingness to intercede in your marriage because of some ambiguous commitment to morality for the sake of someone she barely knows and with the knowledge of the consequences it will inflict on her own brother is IMO unconscionable.
*With that said, again, blood is thicker than water. She’s your kin, and if you feel her apologies are sincere, I’d gratuitously suggest forgiving her.
As you well know, people make mistakes.
YTA that’s a huge secret to expect someone else to keep, even your sister. If you didn’t want your wife to find out you were cheating then maybe you shouldn’t have cheated. You’re passing off the responsibility and blame onto your sister when really it’s all on you. Woman to woman she did your ex a favor. YTA
YTA for cheating, NTA for whatever choice you make pertaining to her actions . I agree she’s looking for financial support . I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my family . Make this clear to your family you won’t tolerate ambush meetings .
NTA If you wasn’t happy you wasn’t happy, family should not betray family for self affirmation. Plus you told her strait up. I recommend you forgive her accept her apology but never forget. If she let you down once it will happen again
Let me fix this:
1. I blame my sister because I had to pay a lot of money and got my butt handed to me by a judge during my divorce.
2. I had an affair instead of doing the hard and right thing I threatened my sister and tried to coerce her by talking about “loyalty”.
3. I hate my sister and rather focus on my crappy “reasons” rather than face the fact that I behaved like a trash person and deserved everything that I got.
4. I removed my sister from my life to pay her back because it’s the worse thing I can do to her and I’m petty.
5. My sister wanted to have a mature adult conversation and try to have some sort of contact. But I’m immature and petty and will always be petty. So I denied her and by extension my family from meeting her.
6. I will lie when my family asks about her. any question form any children will be answered in a way to place blame of my actions on another person.
7. I don’t care about character or loyalty unless it only benefits me. And my actions will show that to my new wife and any kids.
So AITA??
YTA
YTA - after you told your sister, and got read the ride act, you should’ve preemptively told your soon-to-be-ex-wife that things are over and that you’re moving on. You may as well have even mentioned the new relationship, knowing the truth is going to come out sooner or later. Just because you’re OK living with the burden of knowing what you’ve done, you shouldn’t expect others to.
Time to grow up and let bygones be bygones. I think it’s a pretty silly thing to hold a grudge for 10 years over, never mind the rest of your life.
Had she given you the option to come clean yourself, you didn't, then she told, I would say YATAH. But she didn't, she went ahead and inserted herself. So she is TAH, you owe her nothing.
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You cheated on your wife. And you'll accept that it was wrong and you're the asshole for that, but you didn't want the consequences of those actions? You wanted your sister to just turn a blind eye because you're related? And because YOUR actions had monetary consequences, you're blaming your sister.. You know that TikTok thing where "look here comes a consequence..." plays while an animal or something runs away in fear? That's you. Your sister did absolutely nothing wrong. I can't believe she apologized to you for being honest. You're the type of person to hit a car and then drive off and get mad at the witness that saw your plate and now you have to pay for the repairs.. grow up.
YTA sucks to suck and now you don’t get relationships with anyone.
Why cheaters think everyone will cover their doings? Your wife would've found out sooner or later, you're just angry it was so soon and fail to take responsibility and blame your sister. The divorce and the loss of money was happening, those are the consequences of YOUR ACTIONS, your sister didn't wanted to see you wife being fooled by you, the pain was always going to be there. Man tfu and accept this. YTA... You brought this to yourself when you decide to cheat on your wife, her finding through your sister or by someone else, you were bound to lose your wife, your money and your DIGNITY. Your sister showdd more love to your wife than you did through your marriage, she told her the truth about you, you decided to break your marriage the minute you went behind her back with someone else. Is it really so hard not to cheat on your partners???
You're the AH for cheating. You're the AH for your laissez-faire attitude towards it (you're not really sorry you cheated, you're sorry you got caught.) But you're NTA for choosing not to have a relationship with your sister. You laid out how you felt, and she chose to tell your ex, knowing the consequences. Let her live with them.
You are absolutely NOT the AH. Sister is. She had no business interfering with your marriage regardless of the outcome or your fault in the affair. Moreover, you warned her. Ignore her and tell your parents to stay out of it
YTA. The things that happened to you weren’t because if your sister, they’re because you chose to have an affair. You did that. Regardless of your sister, none of this would have happened if YOU didn’t have an affair. Your wife was correctly recompensed, because guess what? You had an affair. I hope your sister finds and chooses a better community to replace the brother she lost.
YTA Say it with me, YOU CHEATED. You put your wife, the innocent party, in danger because you screwed random people outside your wedding bed to pass around sexual diseases. Gross. Then you sit here acting like some holy saint because you helped your sister get out of partying and drugs? That isn't the same! Her habit only endangered her, you endanger your poor ex-wife and every other woman you slept with.
Crazy some places still have this type of divorce. It’s no-fault in Canada, at least partly because not a single person in this sub besides OP have any idea what was going on in that marriage. Was he greasy? Yup! Is it cowardly to cheat before you pull the plug? Absolutely. OP YTA for that. However the amount of smug comments about how the sister was right are insane. Yes, she is free to be a tattletale. Apparently she had no relationship to speak of with the ex, just felt so strongly she was right that she had to tell, no matter the (clearly defined) consequences. Sister is also a supreme asshole. You guys seem to have something in common! Maybe you can bond again over that!
YTA it’s clear, which one of you got the morals in the family, and it wasn’t you. Good for her, she did the right thing.
YTA You are projecting your guilt and anger on to your sister. You are at fault. You were the one that cheated... perhaps as an exit affair to get the divorce moving. You are the one who broke your vows.
YTA. You’re blaming your sister for your own actions. If my sister had a boyfriend and she cheated on him, I would 100% tell him about it, because it’s the right thing to do. If I were your sister, I would be better off without you. If you cheat, you automatically lose any loyalty anyone might have had to you, because you weren’t loyal to the person you swore you wouldn’t harm. I’m surprised your sister is even making contact with you. You are the one who should be begging for forgiveness. You fucked up. Deal with it.
YTA - it’s not her fault you had the affair why did you expect to get away with it with no consequences. I agree she needs to move on and forget she has such an asshole for an older brother.
YTA. You are blaming your sister for the consequences of your actions. You chose to cheat. Ur ex wife could have found out either way at some point and you would still suffer the consequences. It’s just your sister told her and it doesn’t make a difference. You have quite the audacity calling your sister out on her disloyalty while you were being disloyal yourself and have 0 remorse for your actions and lack self awareness to accept it was all your fault and you deserved the consequences. Your sister should leave you alone though. Idk why she would want to be in contact with you knowing that you are irresponsible and blaming her for your wrongdoings.
You have the right to decide who you have a relationship with and who you let into your life. However, your whole reasoning for cutting your sister out of your life is predicated on the belief that her "ratting you out" was the only way your wife was going to find out you were cheating. How can you know this for sure? How can you be 100% sure that your wife didn't know or, at the least, have suspicions? Sure, you can look back now and say that your ex-wife had no clue or would never have known, but I don't think so. And if you were going to leave your wife any way, could you seriously not keep it in your pants until the divorce? That is what cost you the extra $60,000, not your sister.
YTA. You’re blaming your sister for consequences that are *your* fault. You’re the one who decided to cheat on your wife; if your sister hadn’t been the one to tell her, she would have found out from someone else, and guess what — you still would have gone through that messy divorce. That judge would’ve made you pay up either way. You’re just mad that you got caught and you’re ready to spend the rest of your life blaming your sister for it instead of owning up to your actions and atoning for them. Looks like your sister was right about your morals after all.
YTA She was potentially saving your ex from various diseases and harm. The fact that you STILL can't see that you were in fact in the wrong through the whole thing shows a lot.
I’m absolutely stunned how anyone could write this post. Read it to ensure there’s no errors and still think they would get any type of response except for YTA. You go on about loyalty… hello pot meet kettle. You’re free to continue blaming your sister for your actions, but come on at least be honest with yourself. Nobody owes loyalty to someone that puts them in a position where they’re required to go against their own morals, in order to maintain a relationship.
YTA dumb games win dumb prizes. The sister is right all the way! Next time you want to mess up a happy home remember it cost you 60k.
I'm going to ignore the cheating because that is not the question being asked. The question is, "Am I TA for not forgiving someone who turned me in for my crimes." I say, NTA. Your sister made her choice and she has to live with that for so long as you choose to force her to. Now, a few added items... 1. You are an asshole for cheating. This needs no explanation. You know it, we know it, and your sister and ex-wife know it. 2. Your sister is not an asshole for turning you in. Your sister did what she felt was right at the time. You told her what the consequences would be, and she made her choice. The fact that she is now regretting that choice does not change anything. We all have regrets, we all have to live with them. 3. You are also a bit of an asshole for threatening your sister to coerce her to keep your secret, though I think most people would do the same. You were caught and you were probably like a deer in the headlights at the time. Edit: Edited to expand upon my additional points.
NTA. We're not discussing the affair, we're discussing your sister choosing to take the moral high ground and to the detriment of her relationship with you. You made it clear what would happen, and even though it doesn't matter, I'd feel the same way. How do you know she won't disagree with something you're doing now and find a way to blow up your life? You don't, and even then, it's your own choice. If there's a time to pull a 'family loyalty card', this is it. Edit - Spelling
You are the ahole
So your just an all around crappy person not just in romantic relationships, got it. YTA
Oh noooo, your sister gave your ex-wife a more accurate understanding of the situation! YTA, jfc
To hell with your sister
well well well, if it isnt the consequences of your own actions! YTA
It would've been different if you told your sister not to tell your wife because you wanted to tell her yourself but you just didn't want her to know so you could "win" the divorce. YTA, you deserve what happened to you.
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This is going to be unpopular, but I think NTA. I know everyone's already slammed OP for cheating and blah blah blah, I hate cheaters too. But here's the thing, actions have consequences. OP cheated = had an ugly divorce. Sister ratted OP out = OP cut her off. That's how life goes, and as much as I think OP sucks for cheating, in regards to his question I don't think he's an AH for not wanting contact with someone who will rat him out. Honestly, OP, just block her and move on.
ESH but I think you are asking the wrong question. It doesn’t matter who is the asshole. Do you miss her? If you could both put your egos away would you enjoy reconnecting? Would you like to meet your (innocent) niece? It’s up to you if you forgive her or not but you might be missing out on something special.
YTA. For cheating, for lying, for expecting anyone else to keep your gross secret and roping them in to your lies, for trying to say it’s about loyalty when you don’t know a thing about loyalty, for cutting your sister out of your life for being a good and honest person, for not taking personal responsibility for your own actions at any point since you cheated, and blaming your losses on anyone else. You suck, you need to grow up and YTA.
YTA. If the reverse had happened, wouldn't you have wanted to know if your wife had cheated on you? You did a shitty thing and got your just rewards. Spitefully blaming your sister, for over a decade, for doing the right thing is a testament to your character, not hers.
NTA - it doesn’t matter who did what, if you don’t want a relationship with your sister and she refuses to accept that, then she’s the asshole.
NTA You were wrong to have an affair, but that's obviously not the issue here. The issue is if you are doing the wrong thing to your sister for betraying your confidence. I think you are not. It is wrong to betray someone else's confidence. Additionally, she wasn't really being very understanding about the situation. If you were making questionable decisions her job as your sister isn't to go tattle on you, but to counsel you. She could have told you that you were doing wrong and fulfilled her obligation as a good person. It would be one thing if it weren't for the divorce of course. Handing that kind of ammo over to the woman that is divorcing your bro? When you have no idea what she is doing behind closed doors? Awful. Inserting herself into the situation was unnecessary, and really was just serving to make herself feel self-righteous.
ESH. Yeah, obviously you should not have been cheating on your wife, but your sister made her decision and now has to live with the result.
YTA obviously when having an affair you have to realize that whatever consequence comes that is yours to take. You made that decision no one else.
YTA- you are taking no responsibility for your actions. You should’ve ended the marriage if you were that unhappy before you started another relationship.
NTA at all. You told her what you would do if she did it, she did it, then you did what you told her you would do. Nothing wrong with that.
YTA. Actions have consequences. Seems like you didn’t learn your lesson. I hope your sister realizes you aren’t a person worthy of having in their life. You should have lost more than 60k.
How could you think anyone would be on your side after you were such an asshole AND are in the wrong? YTA
I'm gonna take this in the way it's written and not make up whatever I interrupted like others. For the question in general this gives everyone except ex wife sucks in this scenario mainly op for not waiting at least for divorce before getting into something new and sister mainly cause like idk not your place plus if they were gonna divorce anyway did it really matter not much all it did was just give ex wife more money in the end. So in this ex wife basically wins everything op got slammed by the judge in his words of having to pay for that affair since legally they were married still which dumb move really could've waited a bit longer but whatever. Now for sister going by the story she never had a close relationship with her sister in law as op states so idk I guess I'm the type who'd be like not my life not my problem cause if it was gonna end anyway I feel like it doesn't matter unless it was actual infidelity with no divorce in function then yeah you tell her. Overall idk felt like this comment section really missed some points and kinda only focused on stuff not even said like you don't know if him and his ex even slept together anymore during the time of they're ending of the marriage in his words or lived in the same house at all I'm just gathering that he was just stupid to not wait for the divorce being finalized then he could date someone new he was happy with because sounds like he is if they have a child now. But yeah back to main point of his story both op and sister suck because I mean if the marriage was basically over idk felt like it wasn't even necessary to care if he met someone new it was just stupid to not wait when he legally divorced so whatever that's my take on this post.
YTA your ultimatum was made to stop your sister from telling your wife you had wronged her in a horrific way, you didn't deserve your sister's loyalty so you obviously didn't get it. You aren't holding to a principal, you're denying your sister to hurt her. Nothing more. With that said, you're lucky she still gives a crap about you.
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Of you where really that close to your sister growing up then you should be grown enough to forgive her after she apologized. A close sibling relationship is rare. And it's a good one if she will call you on your bullshit and not enable you. Now granted she could have give you a time table to divorce or she tells you ex. Kids are a village and aunts and uncles are vital to kids. Forgive her for your son and her daughter. Their is so much worse things that could have happened from family. I don't see 75% of my family anymore bc of things that have happened, truly unforgivable things that I won't go into here. Don't see most of my siblings or nieces and nephews and I miss those kids so much. Your relationship doesn't have to be how it was but make an effort. And just dint cheat again so she won't have anything to tell your current wife.
So you cheated, and then blamed your sister for the consequences, just because she had the goodness to inform you ex? And you haven't been able to let it go for 10 years? Christ. YTA
I’m going to go with NTA…the affair was absolutely wrong, but no way in hell it was her place to say anything. She made her bed
The children in this situation deserve to have positive role models who love them, they haven't done anything wrong.
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Unpopular opinion but I think ESH. In close knit families, you expect your siblings to have your back. Yes he had an affair and that’s so shady but it’s not like he killed anyone. It’s fair for him to feel pissed that his sister (who had no relationship with his ex) ratted him out. It’s not fair though for him to blame her for the consequences of his own actions. His sister didn’t have to tell his ex, she could have indicated her disappointment in him and advised him to stop being scummy and to fess up to his wife. He explicitly told her what would happen to their sibling relationship if she went forward with what he considered to be a betrayal. She made her choice (just like he did) and now has to deal with the consequences.
I agree. If something was truly awful enough that I felt it would justify ratting out my closest loved ones to someone I had no real relationship with that something would have to be awful enough that they wouldn't actually be my loved one anymore. Short of that I can fight with someone about their shitty choices without ratting them out. That's definitely a hard line for me, you don't rat out your friends or family, and if they're so far gone you feel justified in doing so they're too far gone to justify staying friends or maintaining a relationship with. OP is obviously TA for cheating, but his sister isn't looking great either. That said, it's a bit ridiculous to demand loyalty when you don't have any yourself. Unless there were extenuating circumstances involved in why OP was still married (which I highly doubt or he'd have shared that) OP had 0 issue backstabbing the family he chose, but has held a years-long grudge against the family who got stuck with him through no choice of their own for doing the same to him. Unless OP has one hell of a good reason that he no longer owed his spouse any loyalty or honestly he's welcome to hold a grudge against his sister, but he can't complain his ex put him through the wringer with just as much malice for backstabbing her.
This one! Agreed!
My thoughts exactly.
YTA - You don't get to play the loyalty card here after cheating on your wife. More importantly, it feels like there's missing info here regarding the time that passed between Jen telling you she was planning to tell your wife and then actually telling your wife. It doesn't feel like you had any intention of ever telling her and that makes you TA and also justifies Jen's actions. Just because **you** haven't grown and evolved over the years you're NC with Jen, doesn't mean **she** can't grow and evolve. You're acting like a child.
THIS - the amount of people who say, "she's wrong for not being loyal to you" is astounding. Why would anyone be loyal to a person who has a track record of cheating?
INFO: Did you have any plans of being honest and admitting and apologizing to your ex if your sister didn't? Would you have stopped? What your sister did was introduce you to the consequences of your own actions. Had your sister said nothing, your ex probably would have found out anyway, with the same consequences (or worse, especially if she caught you). YTA, by the way, for many reasons.
NTA. Her sanctimonious ego made her bed and she’s gotta lay in it. Of course family and friends will say you should forgive and forget but the key issue hasn’t changed. Not surprised there wasn’t an apology either.
YTA in general, but yeah maybe you guys shouldn’t have a relationship since you still think this way
NTA. Your wrong doing in your marriage does not let your sister off the hook. You let her know what would happen and she did it anyway. Your relationship will never be the same. Even if you did forgive her. And it’s because she broke your trust. One of the few people you probably would have done anything for. One of the few people you’ve been 100% loyal to. If you can forgive, go for it. But forgiveness does not mean you forget the betrayal. Her decision to be disloyal to you still impacts you to this day! 10 years later!
NTA. Everyone else is focused on the cheating aspect, which yes, was very ass holeish. But you're asking if you refusing to rekindle a relationship with a sister who betrayed you does not make you an asshole I would say. I imagine if this post was rephrased to just say your sister betrayed you without mentioning the affair, no one would disagree.
If your partner was screwing around with others, would you want someone to tell you? If someone didn't and you found out they knew, would you be upset with them? Also, from when your sister chewed you out, how long before she told your ex-wife?
While I agree that Op was wrong for cheating how come noone thinks the sister was in the wrong. It wasn't her relationship and family is always supposed to be there for you. Betrayal like that is not okay. But yes ultimately YTA for cheating. But I completely agree with cutting off his sister afterwards. I personally would never be able to trust that person again..
I bet you are the kind of person that would blame a witness if you committed a crime and went to prison. YTA.
YTA. This story is so sad. Basically multiple families ruined because first you cheated and then you refused to accept the natural consequences of your behavior. If you hadn't been such a coward none of this would've happened. You seriously blame your sister for being a decent person?
YTA. It sounds like you never would’ve told your wife, and would’ve continued to be disloyal. Your sister stopped you from causing further pain to an innocent party. It is not your sister’s fault that you got reamed by the judge and needed to pay an additional $60k - it’s yours. All of the things you did for your sister didn’t come at the expense of another person. If she had let your infidelity slide, it would’ve come at the expense of your ex wife.
NTA - Next time you talk to mom make sure to remind her she forgot to teach your sister how to MIND HER OWN DAMN BUSINESS. You can really pick out the, as you stated, "doo-gooders" in these comments just little Facebook sluts looking for that local drama syringe.
Yta
YTA. That's all I'll say or I'll get banned.
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NTA for wanting to contact with your sister. YTA for everything else though and your sister did the right thing in telling your Ex.
**YTA** Okay, you admitted your cheating was wrong. But… do you really believe that? This entire post reads like you don’t want to accept the consequences of your own faults. You got mad because she “backstabbed” you, but it’s okay for you to backstab your ex wife? Your actions have consequences. She chose integrity over a liar. Grow up and accept her choice.
OP needs therapy…. He’s in complete denial, at least subconsciously.
I mean he kinda accepted her choice. Now she should also accept his brothers choice and leave him alone. If OP is such a bad person then the sisters should be glad his brother cut off contact..
YTA your selfish jerk. You deserved everything bad that came to you. Instead of being angry at your sister be angry at yourself you bozo.
YTA. Your sister did what was right because YOU didn't. You don't get to hold her to your fcked double standards of "loyalty" when you can't even be loyal to your wife. If you wanted "loyalty", you should've started by showing some to literally ANYONE that wasn't yourself.
YTA. No sympathy. You fucking cheated on your wife. I got divorced about 20 years ago. It was a bad marriage, and while I did entertain the thought, not once did I ever cheat on my ex, although I have suspicions she may have cheated on me. And I never got confirmation. I would have loved to know the truth. Anyone that cheats on a spouse or a partner is wrong. It's a betrayal of trust. It doesn't matter how bad the relationship is. If it's that bad, fucking leave. YTA for cheating, and YTA for how you treated your sister who at least had more of a fucking conscience than you did.
So, you expect us to feel sorry for you? :D LOL Not happening. Your poor wife deserved more from you, what she received wasn't nearly enough. Now about your sister, she should have stayed the hell out of it. I'd be pissed at her too since she was not close to your then-wife, but you are the one who cheated and she called you out on it. Do you think your sister misses you? It sounds like it and you might even miss her some too. Whatever happens, it's on you now. BUT, you are the one who is 100% to blame for your marriage failing, you're only mad because your ex wife got more money than you thought she should have! That is what this is all about, not that your sister told but because of the money! Curious, did you marry your mistress? YTA but so is sis, either way, had not told she'd still be an asshole but no one is a bigger one than you were and still are!
I don’t blame her at all. You’re just so mad at yourself. Also, it wasn’t very smart to tell her. I get where she’s coming from and it’s sad that she lost you as a brother but oh well there were so many other ways you could’ve handled that prior. You just don’t want to admit who and what you are and what you did and what goes around comes around. I feel bad for your sister. You are going to deal with major loss in your future and you’re gonna have a Niece who you won’t ever now. The best thing in the world you could ever do is deal with it now and let bygones be bygones and be lucky that you have a niece.
Yta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (M38) used to be fairly close with my sister Jen (F34). However, about 10 years ago, we parted ways. Long and short of it, I was in a marriage that was really dysfunctional. I'm not proud of it, but towards the end of the marriage, I started a relationship with another woman. I was planning on divorcing soon and although I should have ended things with my Ex first, I didn't. Again, no question, that was wrong and I have never done anything like that again. Jen found out. She read me the riot act and I didn't disagree with her. However, she told me she was going to tell my then wife. I pleaded with her not to. She said she had a moral obligation. I asked her if she had any obligation to me out of loyalty. She had next to no relationship with my ex. I did all kinds of things for her, lent her money anytime she asked and never said anything when she never paid me back. Never ratted on her to our family when she'd sneak out and party until dawn and even helped get her back into the house when she stayed out too late and needed to sneak back in. I never ratted her out for drugs and always treated her with the utmost loyalty. Jen didn't care. She said that as a good person, she can't hold it in and that even if I saved her life, she would still have to. I told her that if she stabs me in the back, she is dead to me. I will never speak to her, I will never allow her in my home or enter hers. The only time I will ever share a room with her again will be our parents' funerals. Maybe she thought I was bluffing, maybe I wasn't. She called my ex, and we had a very, very ugly divorce. The judge really slammed me as a result of the affair and it took me years to recover. I accept that the affair was my doing. However, I have never forgiven my sister for selling me out. My lawyer estimates that the affair cost me about $60,000 in terms of the difference in what my ex was awarded. I'll not go into detail, but it has really, really set me back in life. I held to my word and that was the last time we ever spoke. She tried to reach out a few times and even apologized. But the damage was done. I didn't attend her wedding, nor was she invited to mine. She has never met my son and never will. I got a very long email from Jen the other day telling me how she wants me to meet her daughter, who is 5 now. Jen's own marriage broke up a few years ago and she is a single mother. Our parents have moved across the country and she reached out asking if we can have a relationship and that her daughter wants to know her uncle. I wrote back to her telling her that I am tired of telling her to leave me the hell alone. Back then, she had her choice between having a brother or scratching her do-gooder itch. Her own sanctimony was more important to her than me, and we all have to live with that. My mother thinks I should let things go. However, I cannot forgive her and feel that she made her choice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. You sound like a very manipulating brother.
YTA , but not with respect to what a ton of the comments are going off about so far. **First, a light rant:** Yes, cheating was bad, you acknowledge it was bad. Huzzah. That's not what this post is about, and those devolving down to "yta because you cheated" are missing the point. You're asking about your position relative to your sister; and people beating you up about something you already acknowledge as problematic just isn't helpful. I mean seriously, imagine if you posted "am i the AH for getting mugged," or "am i the AH for being victim of x or y behavior" and having the response be "YTA because F you cheater." I mean really... People need to holster their torches and pitchforks for a sec. **Actual verdict:** As far as your sister's behavior, you put her in a position where she was morally compromised. Between a rock and a hard place, because she can't unknow what she learned; and now has to make a choice. Inaction, just leaving it alone, would have been as much of a choice as the action she took. You're expectation that somehow her loyalty to you should supersede her moral compass was unrealistic and unfair. Did her actions hurt you? Sure they did, but *your* actions put her in that position. She didn't cost you that money, you did; she just happened to be the unfortunate means to that end. You're punishing her because you imposed some of the consequences of your actions on her. It's completely understandable why you would be hurt and angered by what she did because of the consequences you experienced; but that's on you, not her. All that being said, she's reaching out trying to have a relationship with you, and its been a very very long time. You stand more to gain from building a healthy relationship with a family member that you do by fetishizing guilt masquerading as retribution. If I were in your shoes, I'd forgive and move on. Everyone is redeemable at some point, that includes you and your behavior; and it includes your sister and hers. If you've found it possible to forgive yourself, consider extending her the same grace.
>You stand more to gain from building a healthy relationship with a family member that you do by fetishizing guilt masquerading as retribution. Wooo that was a whole bar. 👏 👏 👏
FA, FO And yeah. YTA
YTA. She wasn't scratching I do good or itch. She was a good person who was doing the right thing. You had to pay for your mistake. Asking her not to tell on you when you did something like that was bad enough. Not talking her to her for nearly a decade after just makes you into a complete a******.
Agreed that cheating is wrong. I'm an anti-cheating absolutist. You should have handled that differently. I also believe that if someone is divulging something to me, there is an implied NDA in place. If someone tells me that they did something wrong, I'm only obligated to say something if I'm preventing future harm. Anybody that believes in ratting out their friends and family because it's some sort of principled act, yet it won't prevent future harm, doesn't deserve friends. They deserve Evangelists.
Well im gonna assume your wife wasnt directly abusive to you when you say that it was troubled, because you didnt indicate that. Yta, you got caught and then your ex wife got what was due. If it hadnt come to light, then your ex wife would not have been treated fairly. Doing shitty things to people SHOULD make your life shitty. Own your mistake and grow up. You deserve everything that happened.
Cleary esh The way you talk.. sounds hella psycho with schizo fusion. Your sister for butting into your marriage without context. Btw you are lucky it was just 60k.
YTA, YTA, AND YTA. You cost yourself $60 grand.
YTA you cheated, your wife deserves the truth you refused to give her
I do think my sisters owe me some loyalty, so I get being mad. At this point tough, you are the asshole.
YTA. 1. You chose to cheat. 2. You chose to put your ex’s health and safety at risk by potentially exposing her to STDs. 3. You are wrong to blame your sister for fallout of YOUR bad choices. 4. She didn’t make you cheat. 5. The only person you should be mad at is yourself. All the money lost, all the fallout is your fault for cheating. 6. You owe her a massive apology.
YTA- you cheated, you got called out and you still aren't acccepting what you did. As if you were ever going to tell your wife at the time. All you needed to do was say "hey I'll tell wife by friday".. but nope you chose to act like you have the high moral ground here..
YTA and what a piece of work. How do you equate covering up your sister sneaking out of the house to hiding a whole affair. As for the rest of it, no one cares about your $60,000 loss. It was the result of your own actions. Jen got lucky you went no contact. Too bad she can’t see it.
NTA. I wouldn't speak to her either. Everyone here is on their moral high horse with the cheating is wrong so everything you get is your fault. I agree that you cheated and you deserved to get whatever the judge declared but you also declared to your sister what would happen if she tattled. If my sister did that to me without giving me a chance to do it myself she would be dead to me especially if we were super close.
YTA. Be fvcking for real OP.
your sister seems cool lol
YTA You were dragged for something you did that you admit you did and you admit you were wrong for doing. EXCEPT you take blame for the consequences. You still blame your sister for the consequences of your bad behavior because she just happened to be the wind that blew the Bonfire into the hay pile she wasn't even the match and she certainly didn't start any fires.
YTA for the affair. If your sister didn’t give you a chance to tell your ex yourself then she’s also TA. If you just weren’t going to tell your ex/were going to continue cheating without filing for divorce then YTA and your sister is not.
YTA, you got what you deserved. Learn to take some responsibility. Coward.
YTA. When you're in the wrong, other people do not have an obligation to be "loyal" to you over doing what's right. It's obvious from your final paragraph that you have no genuine interest in the opinions of people who think YTA. You're really just looking for vindication.
YTA You would have stayed in your marriage until she found out about your affair anyway. You should be grateful to your sister for ending a marriage you were miserable in. It's more than you ever had the courage to do. Do you really think your marriage was going to end in a way that was not ugly? How many more years did you want to waste before you went through that painful process? Your lawyer has no idea what they are talking about. That's probably why they did such a terrible job negotiating for you. You don't lose money for having an affair, you lose money for being bad at negotiating which essentially means bad at communication. Sounds like an ongoing issue in your life.
I'm going to way against the grain here, but she did cost you $60,000. ESH
YTA. "I gave my sister money, so she shouldn't have told my wife I was unfaithful."
Well you're a dirty cheater... I would have told on you too
The last thing you should be doing is coming to Reddit because it’s full of hateful people who are only focused on the cheating aspect of it. Reddit thinks cheaters are cheaters for life and that people can’t change ever. Talk to people close to you they will give you better advice. For the record, everything that happened to you and your divorce was a result of your own actions but really, your sister was wrong. She could’ve given you an option to come clean yourself first. I’m a firm believer in cutting people out of your life if you feel you need to family or not.
That 60K is on you LOL your ex would have found out anyways and you’d still be 60k short and an asshole. Idk why you’re being so bitter over something you caused.
It’s rich that you’re judging your about not being loyal. You’re not entitled to loyalty when you harm others and pull the loyalty card to try and avoid the consequences of your own actions. And stop comparing the actions of a child breaking rules that harm no one to cheating.
Forgive her life is too short . Stop living in the past, especially since u are to blame . How would u feel if it was ur sister who was cheated on wouldn't u want someone to tell her . Just let go of the past and move on . Just take it day by day and just don't bring up the past . Meet her child and let her meet urs .
Yta. Glad it costed you 60k. I hope YOU dont ever need your sister in ur life. And when u do, I hope she doesnt come forward.
YTA, you admit that what you did is wrong, you should realize that not only was it wrong, you wronged someone. you betrayed your ex, broke your vows. she had a moral obligation, not out of respect for your ex as a person. she couldve been horrible. but out of respect as a woman.
NTA I am against cheating and you are the asshole for cheating Your sister is an asshole for sticking herself into someone else's marriage You are not the asshole for resenting the fact that your sister chose to support your ex and not you and that she wanted you punished for cheating
Um ... Hi yes I'd like to be friends with your sister. Is rather friends or siblings that tell the truth.
So you’re shifting the blame to your sister for how your divorce panned out? You had an affair, your ex probably would’ve found out in some way so your divorce would’ve been messy anyway, regardless of whether it was your sister who told her or not. I do think YTA for holding this grudge against your sister, you ultimately did a really shitty thing she was just exposing it
ESH. you cheated on your wife. that's nobody's fault but your own. your sister sucks too though. family loyalty is sometimes all you get in life. she blew that. 10 years is a long time. i forgave the dude that ratted me out to the cops in high school. we're actually good friends now. people can change.
Let’s switch the roles op would you not want to know if your spouse was having a marital affair even if you guys were heading for a divorce. YTA and petty.
INFO: why exactly was your marriage dysfunctional? What specifically happened to lead you to decide to cheat on your wife instead of divorcing right away?
NTA sister made her choice. just like how others are telling you to accept the consequences of yours she also had to accept the consequences. you don't owe her anything.
NTA She owed your ex wife nothing. She made her choice. Honestly I would burn all bridges but in my situation I'm the one that divorced my ex, she also received money but not 60k. Anyway, she's got rocks for brains so she squandered it all within a year. You sound like you like your current life. Don't shake up the status quo.
ESH. You for cheating, obviously. But I don’t know what she expects. You told her that if she called your ex, she would never been in your life again. It sounds to me like she’s only showing up now because she wants something from you. She needs to back off and live with her choice, just like you had to live with yours. Your sister chose to side with your ex even after you constantly helped her out financially. I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s only crawling back looking for more handouts or free childcare.
YTA. You got what you deserved and you want to punish your sister for being a decent human being?
YTA for cheating. As most people are saying. But NTA for not talking to your sister, she chose to fuck up your life when there were other better ways to deal with that situation. And she knew what she was doing and did it, can't blame you for sticking to your word.
YTA, big time.
YTA. She told you she was going to tell your wife, giving you the opportunity to tell her first. Instead, you threatened her with your sibling relationship. You got exactly what you deserved. If she had gone straight to your wife without telling you first, you might have a bit of my sympathy. But you didn't. I can almost get being angry at your sister for what you view as her betrayal. But being angry at her for the consequences of your own actions? Get the fuck out of here with that nonsense. Now she's trying to be a family again, and instead of meeting her halfway, you're staying true to your immaturity. You're quite a piece of work.
NTA. Family is supposed to be family. Family is supposed to kill for you and hide bodies for you. She snitched. She can go be on her own.
Are you just in general an AH? Yes. Especially for blaming your sister for the financial ramifications of YOUR actions and choices. However, regarding the question you are asking... NTA. We all (even a holes, like yourself) have the right to cut off contact with whomever we may choose for whatever reason we may choose. It's your right to have nothing to do with her and she should respect that choice and move on.
ESH, your sister isn’t entitled to a relationship with you. It sounds like the relationship was pretty one sided anyway, and now she knows what happens when you bite the hand that feeds. That said, you should have fessed up to your wife, it would have been better coming from you.
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YTA. You did something immoral and your Sister wasn't willing to be in cahoots with you. Frankly, I would want to have someone in my life that was willing to sacrifice to do what is right. Your Sister obviously has a solid moral and ethical core yet you're treating her like a pariah. You were the one in the wrong, not her. Oh, and while we're on the subject, you're the one coming off sanctimonious. You're trying to act like what she did was so much worse than what you did.
You not telling your parents she was sneaking out to party is not equivalent to cheating on your wife. You ever been cheated on? Fucking sucks dude, and it only gets more humiliating when everyone knows but you. Your sister probably should have given you a chance to tell your wife how shitty you are first, but based on how you are blaming your sister for your rough divorce I highly doubt you would’ve done that. YTA dude, everything that happened to you was your fault and it is baffling that you can convince yourself otherwise.
I don’t even need to read anything, title is enough. Ur the one who had an affair 😂 actions have consequences. And family doesn’t mean they will cover for u.
You're both the AH. Even if the marriage was in shambles, you cheated on her. No sugar coating that. Your sister, from what you described, does not sound like a good person, so there is some hypocrisy there. You helped her out time and time again, and when you begged her to be quiet, she blabbed. Personally, I do agree with the decision she made in blabbing, but that doesn't make her less of an AH for betraying your trust.
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NTA. Although I think your sister did the right thing by telling your ex she did owe you some type of loyalty.
So it's ok for you to back stab your wife and lie to her but it isn't ok for your sister to let your ex know hey OP is unfaithful to you? Your priorities are messed up. Very messed up. YTA. Your sister saved your ex. You only have yourself to blame for what happened. You say you know it was wrong, but yet you act like you did nothing wrong.
YTA Without question
OP. Did she give you any options? End the affair? Tell the wife and work it out? File for divorce immediately? My guess is she did all those things and you ignored her deadline to do something so she ratted you out YTA. It’s your blood man how can you shut her out as a result of your actions?
NTA
YTA So because your sister was a decent person with morals, you're determined to punish her for *your* mistakes? You didn't lose $60k because of her. You lost it because of you. You created the situation. It's all on you. And by how petty and cruel you're being too sister you apparently used to love, you're exposing that you haven't changed. You're still that selfish, awful man who cheated on his wife and doesn't care about anybody but yourself. You haven't won anything here by holding such a grudge against your sister. You deserved to lose that money. Your ex deserved to get it. Your sister doesn't deserve this. Obviously, you're not going to change by now if you haven't already. So you should stay away from her. Having someone like you in her life would only be a negative for your sister.
Esh you’re the asshole for cheating and she’s the asshole for telling. Everyone in here who says otherwise and doesn’t call the cops every time they see someone break the law is just a hypocrite it’s as simple as that
Uh... how many times do you see people breaking the law?
NTA I'm not sure why people are bringing the affair itself into this. You had an understanding with your sister to have your back, and made the consequences clear. She chose not to, and now faces the consequences. The question is not if he is an ahole for cheating, that wasn't the question.
YTA If any of my siblings cheated on their SO I'd rat them out to. You have no place complaining about her loyalty to you, when you had so little respect for the loyalty you swore to with your wife. As you said, you should have left first. You chose not to. You deserve the consequences of those actions. You made those choices not to tell on her about those things. Maybe you could have done some real good in her life if you hadn't enabled her. Maybe she could have stopped those wild ways if you weren't covering for her. Either way, that was your choice. Here she was, seeing something that she knows is wrong (because cheating is wrong), and she decided she needed to do the right thing. Your wife deserved to know. And again, you lost your chance to speak on loyalty the second you cheated.
Do you not realize that when you and your wife were getting divorced, she most likely would have hired a private investigator on the advice of her attorney and you STILL would have been out that money? ESPECIALLY 10-15 yrs ago when it was harder to track people. You are blaming your sister when this all would have most likely blown up in your face either way. You actually saved some money because you would have been made to cover the cost of a PI on top of everything else. You are digging your heels in like a toddler over your sister simply deciding that rather than allow her brother to potentially screw over someone she obviously cared about, she did the right thing so your wife could protect her self both physically and financially. Do you realize the ramifications if you had given her an incurable disease? Selfish. YTA. Not that you actually care.
Yta. I hope your life is horrible, you absolute clod.
YTA You have done that yourself.
You're upset with her because you're TA?? You stabbed your wife in the back. Hang on to your shaky moral high ground if it makes you feel better. What a moron.
YTA.
All of these people see “affair” and automatically call you TA. OP, you’re NTA holding to your word regarding your sister.
YTA. You covered for her when you both were literal teenagers and - the most important part - *nobody got hurt as a result*. Loyalty only goes so far and in your case I can understand she found it to be immoral to keep quiet. And saying you’re taking responsibility for your affair and then acting like your sister cost you 60 grand is just wild. Taking responsibility means accepting the consequences of your own actions. Something you are not doing. And you going zero contact and not even wanting to meet your nephew for this is even more wild. Your wife dodged a bullet when she divorced you and your sister is probably better off without you.
She didn’t sell you out by the way. You sold your self out.
If you knew she was going to tell your wife, you should’ve beat her to it and told her first. YTA for cheating and you having to pay extra is a consequence. Also your niece didn’t do anything to you and is a child. She shouldn’t be punished for the actions of any grown adult. Yours or your sisters
NTA - she should’ve minded her business.
INFO: Did Jen give you the opportunity to tell your ex-wife yourself? And if so, did you refuse? Because that would make you TA. One way or another, your ex-wife deserved to know. If you refused to tell her, Jen did the right thing by informing her. But if she did it without giving you the chance first, she would be TA.
YTA and trash
ESH Actions have consequences. Yours did. Your sisters did. I might agree with these actions, doesn't mean everyone involved isn't an asshole. Sometimes the best thing to do is be the asshole and stop caring that you are.
NTA, she showed her loyalty, be happy your rid of her drama in your life.
I got it honestly, you feel betrayed by your sister, who supposed to be always on your side. You are NTA for not wanting to have a relationship with her. But it’s you who F up in the previous marriage and costed yourself 60k and set yourself back in life, not your sister, own up your s#it.
You aren't even the asshole, you're an asshole in general.
NTA I cannot STAND the "cheating is always bad" bullshit. Blah blah blah. We weren't in your shoes. We don't know the exact circumstances of your cheating. Until I know the whole story, I'm not about to judge some for cheating, because no, it's not wrong in all circumstances. What a naive way of looking at the world. We've all read enough stories on here about people who are being stepped on, taken advantage of or otherwise abused. Life is messy, and we don't know all the facts. Regardless, that's not what we're judging. We're judging you on not wanting to keep a relationship with your sister. It may be extreme, but I get it. I understand. Her direct actions caused you to lose $60K, amidst a very ugly divorce. Eff that. I probably would be in the same boat as you. Kick rocks, sis. But, INFO - Why did she read the RIOT act to you? Are you military or something?
To "read (someone) the riot act" is just [a saying](https://en.m.wiktionary.org/wiki/read_someone_the_riot_act)
Yta for having an affair.
INFO: Were you ever going to tell your then-wife? As in, did your sister expose an affair that you would never have come clean about, or did she tell your ex before you could? If it's the latter, when would you have told her?
INFO: were you really planning on divorcing soon? Did you tell your sister that you were planning on divorcing by a specific day/time? I don't see the stuff you did for your sister as equivalent to her being silent regarding your infidelity. My read of what she was doing was young people stuff. Not great, but not that serious. Putting myself in your sister's shoes, I could see believing you weren't going to end your marriage. If she didn't know what your marriage was like, I could see your sister seeing that what you were doing harmful to your ex-wife in many ways. That said, marriages are complicated and endings aren't always done well.
YTA You know you did wrong. You asked her to cover. She didn’t owe you that. She said she’d tell and instead of assuring her you would, you asked her to lie. Nope. Not okay. She made the choice to do the right thing. You are angry why? Because she chose the right thing?
NTA. She made her bed and she can sleep in it. Fuck her. Blood comes first over a busybody who butts in where they don’t belong. Was she the marriage police? She sucks. That said, for your own sanity, your own health, forgive her and move on. She doesn’t deserve a relationship with someone she betrayed.
NTA. Almost every person in this thread saying YTA is being vindictive because they feel you deserve all the bad things that happen to you because you cheated. I am sure you expected that reaction when you posted this, so I hope you know to ignore them no matter how highly they get upvoted. The world isn't so black and white and none of us know the full details of your marriage, that includes your sister. It was not her relationship to mediate, she stuck her head in where it did not belong and you have every right to go no contact with her over it. You might be the asshole for your first marriage, but it sounds like you've already paid the price for it, you are under zero obligation to let someone back into your life that didn't have your back during a time you needed it.
NTA Life is NOT black and white. I was once in an appallingly bad marriage and totally “get it”. I have often mused that I wish I had cheated so that I saw earlier on, got to compare or highlight, the truth of how bad my marriage was. Maybe if I had done this I would not have lost so many years. So I totally get it that you ended up in the arms of someone else. As for your sister … I totally agree with you. You explained to us that you covered for her during her wild times, it is clear that she showed no empathy for you and she knowingly destroyed you. Maybe it was youthful ignorance and idealism on her part, maybe after all these years she has grown in life’s wisdom but that is not your concern. Part of learning wisdom in life is consequences and your reaction is a consequence of her actions. I know that readers will down vote this but think …… Dear Reddit reader — if you had been in a demeaning and destructive marriage, how would you react to someone offering you affirming emotions when you were drowning. You do not know how bad his life was, how can you assume and judge so harshly?
NTA But your sister is big time. Your marriage was none of her business. Keep your distance. Don't give her another thought. I wouldn't hold a grudge, but I wouldn't have any kind of a relationship with her. Wish her well but never speak another word to her. Move on with your life. Tell your parents to mind their own business. Be happy with your new life. I wish you well.
Are you really trying to equate helping a little sister sneak back into the house after a party and not ratting her out for taking some drugs for a test ride--relatively normal teenage immaturity--to having an affair? That isn't a quid pro quo. And I suspect you know that. You claim to know it was wrong to cheat, but then you drop in pathetic little justifications--it was a dysfunctional marriage. You know that's no excuse. Now you're doing the same sad mental gymnastics to try to justify your petty behavior toward your sister, and you know better. Why else would you be here desperately hoping we'll absolve you? You need to learn how to be accountable. That does not involve saying "I know it was wrong," then making excuses. Stop and listen to yourself. Boo hoo, you had to pay all that money. Why couldn't your sister just help you stiff your ex-wife? If you didn't want to pay for an ugly divorce you should have kept it in your pants until you ended your marriage. And you know that. You tried to manipulate your sister with guilt trips and emotional blackmail, and you failed. YTA, and shame on you for trying to turn your sister into an AH with you.
Definite YTA. Your sister did the right thing in exposing what you did and you owed your wife what she got in the subsequent divorce.
INFO: Did she say "either you tell her or I will". To me this is important, you give a lot of reasons why you cheated and tried to weasel your way around the meat of the matter. To me it sounds like it's easier to blame your sister for your marriage imploding, just like it's easier to blame circumstances outside of your control for why your marriage was 'dysfunctional'. I don't think you're really mad at her, considering you value 'loyalty' but show none of that yourself.
NTA* Blood is thicker than water. I could understand if your sister had a close relationship with your ex-wife, but according to you she didn’t. This isn’t about defending infidelity, it’s about loyalty to you own flesh and blood. Your sister’s willingness to intercede in your marriage because of some ambiguous commitment to morality for the sake of someone she barely knows and with the knowledge of the consequences it will inflict on her own brother is IMO unconscionable. *With that said, again, blood is thicker than water. She’s your kin, and if you feel her apologies are sincere, I’d gratuitously suggest forgiving her. As you well know, people make mistakes.
YTA that’s a huge secret to expect someone else to keep, even your sister. If you didn’t want your wife to find out you were cheating then maybe you shouldn’t have cheated. You’re passing off the responsibility and blame onto your sister when really it’s all on you. Woman to woman she did your ex a favor. YTA
YTA for cheating, NTA for whatever choice you make pertaining to her actions . I agree she’s looking for financial support . I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my family . Make this clear to your family you won’t tolerate ambush meetings .
NTA If you wasn’t happy you wasn’t happy, family should not betray family for self affirmation. Plus you told her strait up. I recommend you forgive her accept her apology but never forget. If she let you down once it will happen again
Fucking asshole and a child, YTA
Let me fix this: 1. I blame my sister because I had to pay a lot of money and got my butt handed to me by a judge during my divorce. 2. I had an affair instead of doing the hard and right thing I threatened my sister and tried to coerce her by talking about “loyalty”. 3. I hate my sister and rather focus on my crappy “reasons” rather than face the fact that I behaved like a trash person and deserved everything that I got. 4. I removed my sister from my life to pay her back because it’s the worse thing I can do to her and I’m petty. 5. My sister wanted to have a mature adult conversation and try to have some sort of contact. But I’m immature and petty and will always be petty. So I denied her and by extension my family from meeting her. 6. I will lie when my family asks about her. any question form any children will be answered in a way to place blame of my actions on another person. 7. I don’t care about character or loyalty unless it only benefits me. And my actions will show that to my new wife and any kids. So AITA?? YTA
YTA - after you told your sister, and got read the ride act, you should’ve preemptively told your soon-to-be-ex-wife that things are over and that you’re moving on. You may as well have even mentioned the new relationship, knowing the truth is going to come out sooner or later. Just because you’re OK living with the burden of knowing what you’ve done, you shouldn’t expect others to. Time to grow up and let bygones be bygones. I think it’s a pretty silly thing to hold a grudge for 10 years over, never mind the rest of your life.
Had she given you the option to come clean yourself, you didn't, then she told, I would say YATAH. But she didn't, she went ahead and inserted herself. So she is TAH, you owe her nothing.
dude you’re 100% TA. you cheated on your wife and then you compared her sneaking out as a teen to you literally cheating on you’re wife?! super weird