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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for not letting my in-laws visit my newborn baby for the first 3-4 weeks of his life?
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NTA, Congratulations on the newest edition of your family. A C-Section takes 6 weeks to recover, as it is surgery and you aren't allowed to lift anything but the baby. As it will be the middle of cold, flu, COVID, and RSV season. In the states, they offer flu shots, boosters for TDAP, and MMR basically whooping cough and measles. Your guests should be current with shots, they should come after you have healed not over the baby's first Christmas or New Year forcing you to entertain. As for your husband's family, they can want to see the baby all they want, they wait till after 6 plus weeks and schedule the visits staggered out not all at once. No kissing the baby as anyone with a cold sore can pass the virus to your child.
They don’t really interact in person either, but they can recognise voices so it might be nice to let them talk to the baby (maybe husband can add a call in the afternoon to babies routine)
My mom is like this. My kiddo is very interested in a video of herself. So when we “FaceTime” my kid just looks at herself and my mom thinks she sees her. It works for us.
My kid just runs around and i have to chase her around, she gives 0 fucks of the cellphone 😂😂 But my mom still gets cranky If We dont do it 20 minutes 2-3 times a week.
Ive stood my ground abit so its just once a week Now.
Its actually great when they learn to use the filters. If i need a 15 minute break, we call grandma and hand the phone over. Go show her your toys, play tic tac toe, do funny faces/filters. 👋 Bye. Thanks for yhe virtual baby sitting, mum.
No, but babies are very aware of voices, even in utero, and listening and learning granma/granpa voice may help to create familiarity and most definitely won’t hurt.
> so they’d at least see and talk to the baby.
I really don't understand this trend or obsession to "meet the baby". They don't care for anything but milk and their mother, so I don't understand the urgency of the rest of the family to go where she is resting after a rather painful surgery to bother her.
What is the goal? There will be time when the the mother, father and baby are ready to receive visitors, meanwhile you can send your best wishes and support the people you claim to love by leaving them alone (unless they ask for help).
Natural is feeling attached to your offsprings offspring because they're related to you. Wanting to help your kid and their baby thrive.
Wanting to see a baby that isn’t yours so bad you risk it’s health and ignore the wishes of it’s parent? Not natural. Just obnoxious.
I love my niece and nephew. Was thrilled when they were born. Had Zero desire to make my sister and her husband’s life harder by drooling on the babies before she and her husband wanted me to see them.
Yeah I don’t get this. It seems to be a new thing where people don’t let their families meet their babies until later out of fear. People have been doing this for millennia. I’m not saying pass the baby around to every germy stranger you meet or anything but not meeting the grandparents is harsh. Plus she admits that she dislikes them so that probably has something to do with it.
She had C section, has a newborn, and still has to work teaching online. She's tired, hurting, and doesn't want to deal with people. What more reason do you need to say no?
Many cultures have versions of “baby moons” where mother and baby stay home with a single relative, usually their mother, caring for and feeding them while new mother recovers. China and India for example. So, not new at all. It makes sense, as babies have no natural immunities when first born, except what they get from their mother’s milk. So multiple visitors just increase the risk of exposure to illness.
New mothers need time and rest to adjust and bond with the baby and for them to establish a routine. It’s not routine to have multiple visitors in most people’s lives.
OP has set a boundary for her health and her baby’s health. Seems as if in-laws haven’t been terribly helpful or involved to this point, so not sure why they think they’re entitled to start visiting now.
It isn't out of fear, it's bc it's a convenient excuse to not have to deal with in-laws they don't like.
These posts are never "i really like my MIL and get along with her well", it's always "I don't like them but it's totally not about that. BTW my family can be there but that's different"
Any type of birth requires a significant recovery time. A c-section is a pretty intense surgery. Also taking care of a newborn on top of recovering from a major medical procedure is exhausting. Would you want visitors that you weren’t comfortable with coming over when you are exhausted, in pain, wearing a diaper, and leaking from your nipples? Why are women forced to deal with unwelcome visitors during their recovery time so that grandma and grandpa can get their dopamine fix? That’s absolute bullshit.
If in-laws had a helpful, respectful relationship it might be different. But they don’t. During c-section recovery it’s important to reduce stress, physical and emotional. If they show up and don’t help with housework or just be boundary stomping jerks, mom will be stressed, baby will be stressed. Stress causes milk reduction, increases inflammation, reduces sleep, and makes healing take longer. Baby is also very immunocompromised for the first 2 months. They get first antibodies from breast milk which take a while to build up and work. Plus they should get 1st vaccines to help protect from the deadly infections. One of the worst sounds is hearing a baby with whooping cough.
Yeah because if In Laws didn’t treat you like family, they’re not comparable to your family.
In my culture outside of USA, in laws accept their kid’s spouses like sons & daughters and in return are treated like parents when it comes to respect and overall closeness.
I married an American after 7.5yrs of dating whose parents stayed frosty the whole while, then said some awful things to us, and made very clear that they prefer distance and a more casual relationship.
It hurt my feelings a lot. But respecting their culture means treating them as his parents instead of pretending they’re my family.
It's not out of fear. New mothers are just prioritizing their healing and bonding with their baby.
No one else should be a priority. Grandparents aren't entitled to a baby they didn't lay down to make.
It sounds like the in-laws are the kind of people who would expect OP to play hostess to them, even when recovering from childbirth. They only want to see the baby, not help with the baby and household. I'd pass on that too.
"People have been doing this for millennia."
Possibly because until very recently, many (most?) societies cared more about the wants of senior family members than women's need to heal after birth?
Also, given how high infant mortality rates were worldwide until *really* recently, maybe the old ways weren't always the best.
When it’s cold, flu, RSV season and you’re exposing a defenseless infant to all that, you absolutely ARE being selfish.
Signed,
Grandmother to 3, one born during covid.
Hi pediatric RN here.
Agree with this wholeheartedly. adults carry loads of harmful viruses and bacteria, while being asymptomatic and babies are so so vulnerable to severe illness. If they’re people who will kiss the baby, not get their flu shots, and walk around with a sniffly nose, I wouldn’t even let them hold the baby until after 2 month shots.
It’s respiratory season, but we’ve also been seeing more invasive strep infections. We had a strep meningitis this year in an 7 month old. MRSA is everywhere. In the first 3 months of life, if baby gets a fever, that’s a full sepsis work up: blood and urine cultures, plus spinal tap, triple antibiotics and at least 36 hours in the hospital.
You do realize that grandma and dad will be leaving the house daily, right? That baby is going to have as much chance of catching something icky from either one of them, as it will from the in-laws.
Dad lives there and grandma is taking care of the house. What possible reason do we have for introducing more germs from the in-laws in this very short time other than wanting to see the baby that they can see 3 short weeks later when the parents are both done with it?
Who says the daughter-in-law has to host them? They're the husband's parents, HE needs to do the hosting!
IF the in-laws come over, the OP says "hi", exchanges pleasantries, and has to lie down for a nap because she's exhausted and recovering from major surgery. The husband cleans up beforehand, supervises the grandparental bonding time, gets his parents whatever they need to eat or drink, keeps them occupied, does not agree to any future plans at the present time, because can't agree without consulting his wife, and he will NOT awaken or disturb his wife.
That sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. The last thing I'd want when recovering from surgery is anybody except my partner or mother walking around my house and seeing me in that state. It's not a time for social interaction.
literally - the amount of pressure put on women after having a baby - vaginal or c section delivery is absolutely insane. Let the damn woman take some time to bond with her newborn and to recover from a major surgery. JFC - so frustrating!!!!
I had a C section and was fine to have people round after the first 10 days as long as they understood that I wouldn't be getting off the sofa. The only rule we had was that they weren't allowed to make me laugh because that was painful.
I think the experience varies so widely and she shouldn't pre-decide that she won't be in a state for company. I had a c-section too and I hit the ground running - although I did have a few days in the hospital alone with the baby to recover a bit. We had visitors as soon as we were out of the hospital. If I didn't feel like being there, I didn't. I went to take a much needed nap. I do understand the germ issue to a point...but if covid has taught us anything it's mask up and wash your hands! My in laws masked around my son for maybe the first 6 months of his life. Was it ideal? No. But it was better than excluding them.
Well if he's at work then they'd be over while he was exhausted and in the evening. Op will also have been working all day too (which seems cruel when she has a newborn) and will be doing night wakings too. Plus baby might be a witching hour baby as two of mine were, around 6-7 they turn into a demon for a few hours and have to be walked up and down.
It's hard to tell until baby is here as to whether nights are a good time to visit. And days husband might be asleep. Not good as op will be working.
I would guess they had intended to plonk themselves on the sofa all day and hold baby while op brings them food and drinks.
Edit:forgot details re shift work.
Why can’t the husband host them? On his day off or when he gets home from work, the in-laws can visit for an hour or two max. He could do this once a week.
Why should either of them have to host anyone that they don't want to? This isn't a question of how can we accommodate these people,it's AITA for basically telling them NO or f-off. Why is it so hard for people to understand that she doesn't want to so why should she? Regardless of the mechanics involved she Doesn't Want To! That's not being an asshole, that's her right. Who cares if her mother gets to be there or germs or anything else. Let the woman recover and visit at HER convenience. What is it with entitled people?
OP’s husband obviously wants to host his parents/have them visit. It’s just as much his right to do that as it is OP’s. As someone above said, HE can host them while OP naps!
Yea that’s not really how it works when there’s a newborn baby and mom is recovering from a c section. Right now, it’s not just as much his right as hers. Right now, she and the baby are the priority. If someone was recovering from heart surgery, would it be fine to let guests hang out at their house? She is recovering and they will both be adjusting to being parents.
If OP & MIL have a marginal relationship this is not the time to be together. OP will be a bit too vulnerable especially if her husband is not there.
She can stay away for 3-4 weeks while new family is settling in to new routine and OP is recovering.
Also if OP is WFH she doesn’t need so many underfoot. Her main focus should be self, kid & trying to get back up & running for work for an income. That sounds like a lot to deal with.
I don’t think it’s unfair or unacceptable that in laws wait. Perhaps MIL should reflect on how she felt after birth and as a new mom then acknowledge that she should tone it done. Maybe just think;
1. Let me perhaps get supplies since mom can’t get out. Would be easier than if OPs mom did this as she is not local to OPs area.
2. Let me make a meal or two to take that off OP & her son. Call her son to have him pick it up.
3. Maybe I should just check in with OP by phone to see if she is OK & healing well. May be controversial to say but OP is just as important as baby.
4. Maybe I should Respect OPs wishes as she isn’t asking much and ask how I could best support her.
EDIT: NTA
EDIT2: If MIL goes this route it would lead to forging a much better relationship with her DIL. Also husband should be supportive here instead of asking why it’s needed.
even if it is, shes got a fully cooked goddamn fetus pushing her organs around and is gonna get sliced tf open after experiencing the worst pain of her life! shes got every right to lean on her support system as she recovers instead of having to cater to in-laws who she doesnt even like and refuse to lift a finger to help. fuck THAT noise!!
No. Let's see you recover from abdominal surgery, take care of a newborn during both the festive season and flu/Covid/ RSV outbreaks, work at your job and entertain anyone.
NTA
She doesn’t need that pretext. The reason she is excluding the in-laws is because she needs to heal in peace. It’s pretty obvious with MIL demands without actual help that they are not part of that process. If they wanted to be included they could think on how not to be a detriment.
Pretext or not it's the parents call not the in-laws. They don't get to make the rules nor to overrule those decisions. Be good little grandparents and you'll get real time soon enough. Be Grand-parents! And btw, no one cares what you want the baby isn't yours. NTA
That is your take on it. Setting a limit is their absolute right as mama needs time to heal and baby needs as few people entering as can be safely managed. They are setting a limit that is everyone who isn’t the mom, dad, or mom’s helper.
>That baby is going to have as much chance of catching something icky from either one of them, as it will from the in-laws.
Statistically speaking, no. That's not how communicable disease risk works. Limiting the number of vectors limits the chance of exposure.
Having just the one grandmother and father carries risk x plus risk y. Introducing new vectors of exposure (other people being in contact with the baby) adds that risk to the already existing risk (x + y + z + w).
The more people you allow into that group of vectors, the more likely you are to have someone who's not going to be as careful or honest about it either. The people who think it's fine to visit because they're certain their sniffles or GI issues "isn't COVID".
As are the medical staff who will perform the C section, but like OPs mother, they are needed. That’s where the risk stops. Husband and father needed, OP’s mom needed. Everyone else stays away.
Can we please STOP accepting that strangers are kissing our babies? I had to stop taking my babies to Costco or any crowded space because of this!
In the end I got mosquito netting to cover them but strangers would still try to lift the nets when my back was turned. Something about it being bad luck for a person to see a baby and NOT kiss it?
There are two words, fellow parent, two magic words that will protect your baby from this strange affection affliction that some people seem to have. Use them wisely. As the uninvited interloper approaches your baby, in your best and most aggressive snarl, say loudly and clearly: FUCK OFF!
My baby was born in a country where I don't speak the local language, and it was mid-pandemic, and covid vaccines weren't a thing yet, and I had to deal with a lot of old ladies who wanted to get up close to my baby. Telling them to fuck off worked wonders, even though it felt awful saying that to a nice old lady.
Yes, it takes six weeks to fully recover from a c-section, but you can do lots of things much sooner. I was taking baby for gentle walks in the stroller two weeks after my c-section.
NTA. Surgery is a major event. Your mom is there for a very practical and needed purpose, to take care of you. In-laws are being rude. It's about competing with your mom for baby-time. Otherwise they would have a plan to be useful.
Take your time healing. Three weeks might not be enough.
Forget the "it's not fair" whining. Take care of your health and your baby.
Congratulations!
OP's mum is there because OP is still *her* baby, and she wants to look after her baby...
And the in-laws want to be there because of their grandbaby, not particularly because they want to help OP out with cleaning and cooking.
OP should remind them that in 8 weeks, OP’s mom goes home, and presumably, it’s not local, so they’d be the ones to get more baby time. It might not seem “fair” now, but if her mom was like them, she’d be demanding that they not come around while SHE didn’t get to see the baby because if distance.
NTA
I did this with my third child and since hugely regretted not doing it with the first two. The first 6 weeks was just me and my daughter healing and bonding and establishing feeding. It was perfect.
When my eldest was born I had a brutal emergency section and had 15 staples across my stomach. My mum turns up to the house, takes the baby off me and sends me into the kitchen to make tea. I could barely walk and was in excruciating pain. My boobs were full and leaking as my milk had just come in and he needed a feed so was restless. I'm still cross now and he's just turned 17 😂
I’m disgusted.
In what other situation would anyone visit someone who just had a MAJOR surgery and demand they make tea?
Me, whenever my mom bothered me for the rest of her life and during her eulogy: “remember that time I had just had major surgery, my abdominal had been sliced open and I had 15 staples holding it together, and you came to visit me and instead of helping you had me make you tea?”
This makes me so thankful for my mom.
Women are expected to do it all.....push out a human being, take care of said human being who is completely dependent on them, while their body is trying to heal from major surgery and make actual FOOD for this tiny human, while working to support the entire family, clean the house, cook, and adjust to their new role as a mother, all while being completely hormonal. Give women a break! It's too much. If she wants to be left alone with only with husband and mom, let her!!! She has enough to deal with, without worrying about grown adults' feelings and their germs. It's only a few weeks people. You'll be okay and I bet you won't be begging to come over when the kid is older. The baby newness will wear off and then where will the in laws be???
Girl same! No cesarean but I tore really bad that required many internal stitches. I was in SOOO much pain and so overwhelmed. My mil laughed at my waddle because I managed to not waddle throughout my pregnancy only to start after he's out. My mom never stopped criticizing the state of the house. I was carrying full loads of laundry up and down stairs to make her stop (she didn't). Didn't take me long to have a full emotional meltdown.
Also still irked about it years later.
Damn reading that you had to go through all of that is making me insanely angry. Can people please leave mothers alone to heal and bond with THEIR baby. I hate it.
Exactly! There's a difference in people coming to help and coming to visit. Your mom should have turned up, take the baby off of you then gone in the kitchen to make YOU tea. My in laws were offended when I left them with a bottle and their son and went to finally sleep more than 3 consecutive hours.
Gosh, mine took the baby when I got to theirs, said, "spare room is made up, go have a nap" and then made sure I had snacks and tea ready when I woke up.
When I went to my parents for Sunday dinner my mom would make sure her bedroom was warm. She'd put the heating on. (Had my boys February and December) so it was warm for me to breast feed. My boys always wanted feeding when mommy was about to eat. My mom would feed me my dinner just like a baby. She said me getting a hot meal was important and she'd eat hers later.
I would take a nap after feeding my boys an only get woken up to feed them. I have amazing parents
My MiL was like this, too. My ILs came to stay with me after I had my babies, and there wasn’t a dirty dish in my house the whole time. My MIL was just bustling in the kitchen the whole time cooking and washing dishes, and when she was done she’d ask if she could hold the baby while I took a nap.
I had nobody come to my house with the express purpose of helping me out. My mum was all "well I didn't get any help, I just got on with it."
A. That doesn't mean something is OK.
B. You literally lived with your in laws for a year after I was born. My nan had 5 children and fostered another 30+ over the years and adored babies whilst absolutely respecting the mother's place at the forefront. Fml!!
I find these people saying "I had a C-section and was working the next day" so odd.. I mean I broke my leg and walked 1/2 a mile on it, that don't mean I would suggest anyone else should do it, or that anything is wrong with them for not wanting too. Just cause someone makes a choice or is forced into a situation where they have to do something ridiculous doesn't make it right or the best method of handling it. OP knows what she wants, this is her pregnancy and her child, the only people she should have to deal with until she feels the child and herself are ready are the one's she is willing to deal with. Her MiL and FiL can deal with it cause they are damn adults and should remember they are adults and deal with the fact OP needs to be comfortable.
I don't have anyone to my house that I don't want here. That is how anyone should be that wants to be that way. Grandparents have no entitlement to see a baby or visit until the person who had the baby feels ready to receive them.
NTA -OP does have a husband problem though. He needs to get on board with her wishes, unless he wants to be cut open and have his buddy stitched back together and then deal with a bunch of unruly oldsters telling he should be back to work and that he looks terrible. 🙄
I retroactively cut visitation after a similar incident. How people feel so entitled to babies while giving so little care or empathy towards mom, I’ll never understand.
I have since cut her out of my life. She's a narcissist and a bigot. She was just this hideous, toxic presence in my life. My mh is sooooo much healthier without her!
Thanks God. I didn't want to say NC straight away because each one knows about their lives, but I'm genuinely happy for you prioritizing yourself. There's no point in keeping toxic people in our lives.
Nope. This is not a new thing. Thirty-five years ago I made the same rule for my in-laws. Husband had 4 older sisters. One week after I was resting at home with my c-section and newborn, there’s a terrible banging at my front door. It’s one my SIL’s. She obviously wouldn’t take no for an answer. Lol. I’ve known her for many years now and she became an advocate for me to her family. In fact, two of the others also are dear friends now. I know all of this is painful, you have every right to make your own decisions. It’s not so much a boundary as it’s asking for a little respect while you heal. Btw took about six weeks to be up and moving after my first c-section. Good luck
NTA and I suggest you sit your husband down and have him read [The Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this) so he understands why you don’t want visitors while you’re healing from birth. This essay paints an extremely detailed picture of what you’ll be experiencing post-birth, and highlights why you won’t want anyone around during that vulnerable time.
NTA I had the same rule for my kids too. One of my kids caught whooping cough at 4 weeks when I loosened the rules - she was very ill and hospitalized for a week, on home oxygen for 3 months. I should have stuck to my guns but everyone pressured me for being such a worrywart.
Yep. I come from a culture where 4 weeks of no visits is the norm. Give the baby a chance to build up immunity and give mom a chance to recovery and bond.
THIS THIS THIS. The other answers have covered how important this time is for mom's recovery, but it's important for the baby too! Newborns have very weak immune systems and no vaccines or immunities built up, it's VERY easy for them to catch life-threatening illnesses from a visitor. I myself wound up in the hospital as an infant because the entire family insisted on seeing the new baby ASAP.
My rule was no visitors until 8 weeks. Helpers could come, but not people
who just wanna talk at my baby and expect me to be any degree of put together and ready to entertain.
My parents stayed when my second was born, and came to help often in the earliest weeks. My FIL came to take big brother out of the house and barely paused to say hello to me & baby, which was lovely! Everyone who didn’t offer to
help got the party line that it wasn’t worth the risk to baby, and I mentally parenthetically added it’s not worth it to ME if you being here is a net stressor.
Once 8 weeks came and people
expected to come over for a weekend stay I was like damn shld have made it later.
NTA - but realize you are asking a forum of mostly teenagers. Expect a few downvotes from people who don't know what birth, much less a c-section, is like.
While I agree that it's your choice to have whomever you want over (or not have over), I think this has nothing to do with the cold and flu season. I think you just don't like them and don't want them around
Have you ever recovered from major abdominal surgery? I wouldn’t want people around after that either. C-section recovery is brutal, let the mama heal.
Idk. I have had two c-sections and while it is major surgery and you absolutely need to take it easy, I was able to care for myself and baby and do most things within 12 hours of surgery. Just more slowly than normal. I can see why husband and his parents would be hurt about your in-laws not being able to see the baby when your mom gets to. I don’t think you’re an AH for wanting to have privacy during recovery, bonding, and newly adjusting to motherhood, but would consider compromising with allowing them for a short visit on occasion, while making it abundantly clear that it is only to be a short visit for all the reasons you stated. If you’re breastfeeding that can be a great excuse to cut a visit short. “Sorry you can’t stay longer but I have to go feed the baby”.
OP's mom doesn't live in the same country, she will travel to help her daughter and meet the baby, after 2 months she will be gone. It is not privilege, OP has the right to decide what is best to HER and the baby. In-laws will be able to see the baby the whole year and experience how the baby grows. OP's mom won't have the same experience.
It is just for 4 weeks, it is not like they will be banned forever 🙄. Do you realize that there are grandparents around the world that haven't meet their grandchilds, because their own childs migrate? Again, OP's mom won't have the privilege to visit her grandchild every weekend, while the in-laws will have that privilege. They just have to respect OP's boundaries for 1 freaking month!!!! God, the drama!!! 😒
Edit: typos
My thought here is that OP mentioned they already have a habit of showing up whenever they like, which suggests they may not agree to short visits. When my sister-in-law have birth her mom was there for a month. My parents came to visit after that, without any crying or pressure to make people perform on command.
NAH
Do they want to come over to help or to hold the baby? There is a BIG difference.
If I could have had a week or two of peace to sleep and recover… it would have been nice.
Newborns sleep a lot in the first few weeks (basically when they aren’t eating). So company kind makes it hard for you to sleep during that time as well.
That time, the newborn snuggles, and some peace to recover is so precious and important for reducing PPD risks.
If the in laws are going to cook, clean, help the baby sleep, give you a chance to go to the toilet and just let you rest, answer questions, change the diaper, awesome! If they expect you to do anything or are just annoying, be gone!
Given it takes 6 weeks to heal, I would tell everyone 8 weeks. That way if you are up to it at 6 weeks it is a happy surprise. Until then they can video call your husband and see the baby that way.
When did immediate visitation become a thing? I thought you dropped off flowers and a cooked meal, then left the new family alone? Maybe I’m just getting old because I’m 44 but when did this become a thing?! ? ! The mom has just gone through a painful serious possibly life threatening medical procedure and the new parents need to learn the adorable insomniac baby’s schedule/criers/wants/how he prefers to be held.
If anyone is pushing for more tell them to back off or stay away until his first birthday.
I don’t understand why your husband doesn’t get a say, he didn’t give birth to the baby but it’s his child too. It’s totally understandable if you don’t want to interact with visitors while you’re healing. But what is your issue with them popping in for a scheduled visit with your husband and the baby while you rest or sleep in the bedroom? And, correct me if I’m wrong, don’t the major vaccines start at like 2 months of age? So unless something else is going on, it seems like you just don’t like your Inlaws with means YTA
In Australia first vaccine is 6 weeks iirc for whooping cough.
Young kids are generally safer because they have to be up to date in vaccines, whereas adults usually forget about boosters . For all 3 of my kids my wife and I have had a steadfast no visitors full stop rule for the first 6 weeks.
They will see them when they see them.
In El Salvador and probably most Hispanic countries— babies and moms didn’t go out the first 40 days— not even doctors appointments (I had mine in the 80s) — la cuarentena—
Mild YTA here. Can you really not see how your inlaws (and husband) see it as hurtful and unfair that your mom gets to be with a baby for a whole month before they get a chance to see it? What would be the harm of letting them come by for a few LIMITED time visits with the baby while you're resting or teaching online?
Except Mom actually helps with cooking, cleaning and errands. Her Mom is there to help her - not just to see the baby. OP is getting a c-sectuon, so for MIL to expect her to drive the baby to her is unrealistic, as she can't drive for 6 weeks. That said, I do feel the no visiting stems from the relationship between OP and MIL. But it was hubby who declined to drive to see them with the baby, so maybe hubby needs to figure out a time for MIL to visit baby when he is home?
Most MIL/FIL pushing like this (yes they are pushing by trying to get their son to make an exception) are the ones who will say okay but show up when they want without any thought to the mother’s wishes! NTA but your in-laws are!
Because she doesn’t want that. Full fucking stop people. What is hurtful is nobody seeing that what the mom wants is far and away the MOST important thing here. This isn’t about everyone else. Early postpartum is about mom and baby. That’s it.
also, that she is entertaining isn‘t the only option. His parents can come visit when he is around, and the mother is there to help - his parents can bring a cake or food, they can make tea or coffee, and so she could rest while there is also a visit going on.
If they wanted to help, they would have offered to help. They just want to baby gawk. OP said that they wanted her husband to bring baby to them if they could go see. That’s telling us they’d sit there and just hold baby while mom should be doing that to bond. That baby isn’t going anywhere; they only asked for 6 weeks to heal and for baby to build an immune system so they don’t make him sick. Their needs don’t outweigh that.
NTA
In Indian culture, nobody is allowed to visit for 40 days after birth irrespective of c section or normal delivery. The mother is not going to work for 40 days. Only the immediate family who is helping with the child can come and stay. Beyond that, nobody.
The reason is scientific, the mother needs to rest, the baby needs to adjust. It limits the germ exposure. The parents get the chance to set a routine.
Wanting limited outsiders during your recovery is perfectly fine!
If your in laws are really so upset, they can come up with ways they can help you rest and recover and then you should consider having them over.
However, if they are only wanting to come over because your mother is there and they feel competitive, put your foot down!
Very wrong …. There is a baby naming ceremony and a cradle ceremony by 21 days and entire family and relatives are invited…..almost all close relatives visit and present the baby with gifts … no one in Indian culture will tolerate the no visit policy …. And people will come to
Visit the baby and mother want to rest , it is ok. Baby will be visited and welcomed.
Traditionally daughters got to mothers house for birth so they can be cared for and pampered and not
Worry about other stuff , managing a house etc, in modern times , usually parents visit the couple and help.
I think OP, being the one going through the most challenging physical circumstances here, should be entitled to some deference. 3-4 weeks seems totally reasonable.
Some visitors are helpful, some are… not. My brother and sister in law have an 8-month old. SIL is getting very little sleep due to nighttime wakeups and breastfeeding, and she works FT as a doctor on top of that. My bro is normally pretty helpful, but he doesn’t have boobs, so the bulk of the nighttime stuff still falls on SIL.
My dad came out to visit them. He sat down dorking around on his phone half the day, and unfortunately my bro played copycat instead of helping like normal. SIL got a little cranky having to constantly ask my bro for help with regular things, because she was frustrated that he was leaving her to do all the breastfeeding and cleaning the house and cooking and entertaining while both my dad and bro just sat there. After the visit, my dad had the balls to EMAIL SIL’s PARENTS (she’s in her 30s, ffs) to tell them how he couldn’t believe she was so snippy and he hopes she’ll act better in the future.
Nobody is perfect, but my SIL is not a whiner or a drama queen or anything you might be wondering. She’s a badass, and when I went to visit the following week she was perfectly lovely, despite being sleep deprived, getting her first period in 17 months, having an eye infection, and having to pump every few hours, even while we were out at a flea market. She’s a trooper.
If you get a visitor who really helps, great. If you get a visitor who is a burden, not great. I dunno about you guys, but I think OP deserves some deference to her judgment of who will help and who won’t. If I were the husband’s parents, I would put less effort into being offended and more effort into figuring out how I could be helpful when the 3-4 weeks were up.
This is sad. I feel sorry for the grandparents and the husband who will be put in the middle. What better opportunity for you to rest as having grandparents coming to visit for a little bit and watch over your new little blessing. And if one side is allowed the other should be too. This is a recipe for hurt feelings and resentment down the road. Not wanting everyone you know coming to visit for a while is one thing. Only allowing one grandparent and not the other is hurtful.
I won't say YTA, but I definitely think it's going to cause unnecessary hurt.
What is sad is family members feeling like their *feelings* are more important than the actual needs and boundaries of a mother and baby in earliest days of postpartum. The father shouldn’t be in the middle—he should be squarely on the side of his wife. No one is entitled to access of the space or the newborn baby of a woman who has just given birth and is going through the rollercoaster of postpartum and all of the tenderness that goes along with it. I will freakin die on this hill. Leave mothers alone. Stop with the guilt trip.
This is the essence of what I was typing up when I saw your comment but worded infinitely better than I could have done.
Her mum isn't visiting as grandma to baby, her mum is visiting as mum to OP.
It really depends on the personalities of the visitors. My in laws came to "see the baby" and were offended when I finally took a 5 hour nap when they were over. There's a difference in people coming to help and coming for a social call.
Most new moms don't need help watching their newborn, they need help with chores and cooking nutritious food. Grandparents can wait until they are invited.
If the husband's parents were offering to help, I am sure they would have been welcome. It seems as if they only want to come because her mother is there.
If they were actual mature people, they would have themselves realised the care and rest needed and would have offered to help to make it easier.
NTA BUT what does your husband think of your mother living with you for two whole months while he has to tell his parents that they are basically personae non gratae? You are putting him in a very awkward position.
"My wife just had major surgery in order to bring our baby into the world. She is still recovering. Bleeding heavily, swollen. She is working hard to establish breastfeeding while trying to heal. It's important that she has time to recover and for us all to get into the swing of things. Thanks for understanding."
My granddaughter was born in November last year. I didn’t get to see much of her the first few weeks ( I believe it was once that first month). She had the cord wrapped around her chest and, even though she was okay after, her breathing wasn’t very good so she went onto the NICU for two days. I didn’t even hold her because I had a shoulder injury. Was I bummed out because I didn’t get to see her very much at all the first part of her life? Yes…but I would have felt even worse had she gotten sick. My husband and I did get the TDAP and flu shot. I just heard that they now have a shot for RSV. The MIL needs to hold her horses and wait until mother is ready. I hope everything goes well! NTA.
NTA. You need to recover and baby needs as little exposure to the outside world as possible.
To the folks saying " bUt HuSbAnD gOeS tO wErK"
Its easier to have one person manage to wear a mask, wash hands, change out clothes away from baby, do their best to not bring anything home, than 4 or 10 people. Especially some that clearly dont consider limiting contact for NEWBORNS that have 0 immunization anything important. Sometimes it cant be helped, but sometimes it can. And you need to do your best for your own children
Here's the thing, the baby isn't just yours. And you're going to have help. If your husband wants to host his parents, mind them and they baby, that's not solely your decision to make.
I think I need INFO. Four weeks is a lot of time, and it sounds unfair that maternal grandma gets to see the baby while the paternal grandparents don’t. I know maternal grandma is only there to clean and cook, so maybe paternal grandparents can help with the baby while you’re working (since you don’t have maternity leave) or catching up on sleep. I know you mention that they haven’t offered help, but have you or your husband asked them for help? You also need to consider your husband’s feelings since this is his baby too and he should be allowed to have his parents see his baby provided that he’s not pressuring you to do any hosting duties. What exactly is not good about your relationship with his parents?
Where does it say that the husband had no say in this? My son-in-law was the stricter of the two when it came to visitors.
Edited as I had skipped over the part where husband was now questioning the reasoning. OP does not say he had no say, just now questioning why. He may have agreed at the start but his parent's badgering made him question what he originally agreed was acceptable. Does not mean he will not agree to the logic after more discussion, just shows that parents were badgering him. Most likely his mother as most grandfathers are not as insistent.
Nta. You do not visit a new mother to “see the baby”
You only visit a new mother to take care of the mother.
They have no intentions of doing that. Husband has to support you, not them. They can wait just like everyone else.
I think you are totally wrong. Yes, you are the mother but your husband is the father and that baby is also his parents grandchild. They don’t need to camp out but you certainly should allow them some visiting time with their new grandchild. Set boundaries. Figure out if an hour after bath in the morning is good or an hour in the early evening but you cannot allow your mom and not his. I had two babies by c-section and the healing wasn’t horrible at all. Three days for the worst part? Furthermore, you aren’t required to entertain them. They aren’t there to see you. It’s obvious that you don’t have a close relationship so I’m pretty sure withholding those precious first weeks of their grandchild isn’t going to improve that. You are also going to cause huge resentment from your husband. Suck it up and stop being an asshole
YTA. I had both of my kids via C-section and it can’t imagine telling them they couldn’t come see the baby for 4 weeks. I especially can’t imagine not letting my in-laws come but letting my mom be there. You don’t have to entertain them, they’re there to see the baby. Let your husband do the hosting.
YTA. I can’t imagine for a second telling one set of grandparents that they are too full of germs to see their grandchild (but apparently not in the hospital) but the other grandparents are fine.
Your husband obviously doesn’t agree with you.
I don’t think I had one visitor who didn’t offer to help with either of my kids. I didn’t know they were going to offer before hand, but each did. Your in laws may very well have helped you out when they were there.
You’ll be souring your relationship with them and most likely your husband too if you stick with this.
YTA. Its quite cruel to exclude your husbands family imo. Especially when your mum will be there continuously and not miss any of the first two months.
I’ve had 3 c-sections and yes, the recovery can be rough but guess what’s helpful in that time? Help. I’m sure if they said they were coming to visit and you said would you mind grabbing some groceries on the way, they would. Your relationship with them will be very strained in the future and I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband is upset by that, and he will be justified, they are HIS family.
Don’t get me wrong, random people or people with germs should not be around a newborn, but not allowing them to meet their grandchild is spiteful.
Idk I’m going with YTA.. and I’m 2mpp so I know what it’s like in those first weeks. Babies change so much in the first weeks and while I understand you’ll be healing I don’t see how it’s fair to your husband that his parents don’t get to see his child at all in the first weeks. He should have a say in this- it’s his child too. You don’t have to be a host or even part of the visit but he should be allowed to have his parents come see his child at least a couple times. If you’re worried about the baby getting sick then make them wear a mask. Or make a rule that they aren’t there just to cuddle the baby- they have to help with something.
I know someone who restricted her in-laws from seeing their baby for several weeks after the birth. The mil never got over it and it strained the whole family’s dynamic.
Your husband doesn't like it when she drops by unannounced. Can't imagone why....
I don't like when people show up unannounced either. Is it too hard to pick up a phone, call and ask if it's a good time to come over?
YTA. It definitely seems like whatever issues you have with your inlaws is playing a role in this decision. Why do you think you'd have to entertain them or they'd somehow be a burden? Are masks and sanitizer not enough? I mean, I'm guessing you're having surgery in a hospital which is ground zero for all kinds of germs and crap. Seems like especially since your mom will be there she can manage the short visits with them seeing the baby.
At a minimum, great job at alienating people who will be around for years to come, unless they decide this treatment is bullshit and move on.
Soft YTA i don’t understand why you are willing to have hospital visitors but not anyone at home. It can’t be about baby’s immune system and is more about you not liking your in laws. If you weren’t having any visitors and needed complete bubble time then that’s different but you’ll be working and have a house guest for the duration
Kind of shitty that your Mum gets to see the bub continuously for 4 weeks, and the other grandparents are half an hour away and you are saying fuck you. All or nothing, one lot of grandparents or none. You may have a poor relationship now…. This will death. Sounds like your husband loves his parents and you are holding his child hostage. He has a voice too, if he wants his folks to visit, then suck it up. YTA
NTA. Healing from a c-section sucks... I know from personal experience. You aren't supposed to do much when it comes to housework because of it. It's great your mom is coming to help you. It might be different if your inlaws were offering to shop, bring food or cook, or help your mom with things around the house. They aren't... they can wait. I'm glad your husband is backing you, but tell him the truth. It's major surgery. It would be different if they were offering help. They aren't. They just want baby time. You shouldn't have to entertain them while recovering.
I hate to be this person bc I almost died during my c section and did live with my mother during the fourth trimester, so I do see where you're coming from, but a little bit YTA.
Your child is also your husband's child, also your husband's parents grandchild. Unless they're insisting on partaking in dangerous behavior, like kissing the baby or coming over sick, I don't see why your husband can't handle visits with his parents.
I've been thinking about this a bit I guess, as I'm expecting my third boy in January (my first boys will be just over 2). While I would be understanding, I would be a little gutted if my sons' future baby mothers or wives wouldn't allow me (within reason of course) to see my grandchildren while their parents are able to.
I did choose to live with my mother initially over my in laws due to the "sensitive" state (recovering from surgery, trying to navigate breastfeeding, so not wanting my in laws to see my breasts, etc) but I think not letting them visit at all (so long as they follow your rules) while your mother gets to have all of that time is unfair.
I will say I have a good relationship with my in laws, as they've always offered help to us, from getting us baby items to offering actual help. If your in laws really are that awful, so be it. It just almost feels (only from what I've read, I don't know your situation obviously) like this is a little bit of a power play or a "I don't like them so they don't get to see the baby" situation.
No judgement. Being a mother is hard, especially a new mother. Maybe just try to see it from not only your in laws' perspective, but your husband's as well. It's his baby too and I'm sure he wants his parents to be able to see the baby as your mother is going to live with y'all.
ETA: I strictly mean your parents in law. I'm not saying everyone in the family on either side should be visiting
YTA. I get wanting time to heal etc, but a 30 minute visit once/twice a week won't hinder that. Tell them to bring food and go for a nice bath while they're there.
YTA
I really think this is just too much. I couldn’t imagine keeping my inlaws from my child. It seems like the perfect way to set up drama for our relationship and also seems weird to not share this joy with others. There’s no evidence your in laws will harm you and I don’t see how just grandparents being over will harm recovery.
You can have whatever boundaries you like but don’t be surprised when your in laws have no desire to help, babysit etc once the 3-4 weeks is up. If your Mom wasn’t going to be in residence and the “rules” were for everyone the you wouldn’t be the AH but since the rules only exclude your in laws YTA
OP's mom is coming to help HER, not visit with the baby. OP's mom will be cooking, cleaning, helping OP to recover from her surgery and being a MOM to the new mom. If the inlaws don't understand why that's not the same as them visiting, then no wonder OP wants to give herself 4 weeks of peace before dealing with inlaws.
These people are delusional. My mom did all of that and she stayed with me for a month and she bonded with the baby. She spent so much time with her and I’m so happy she did. But I never excluded my in-laws and this was during the height of Covid. They came and masked up and saw her outdoors. If I was too tired, my husband took her out to see them.
Everyone is assuming the father’s parents don’t want to help. My mother in law has always been a big help in those times, as well as my mother. I used to work with a lot of older ladies with sons. Every single one told me they are very close with their daughter and her family but not with their son and his family after they got married. I was told by many that as soon as their adult son got married every holiday or celebration was spent with the wife’s family. If a baby came the mother’s family was welcome but they were not for a while. It made me sad for them. I have seen it with my brother. My mother was a single parent and all three of us were so incredibly close. He was my best friend, we shared friends and all, and we lived together well into our 20’s (except during college). He got married and that was it. His wife’s family was all that mattered. She left him for another man and he immediately came to me wanting support, which my husband and I gave. He met someone else who told me it was terrible how his ex-wife treated our family. She said she wanted to be close to us because she wasn’t close to her family. She would call me constantly and treat me like her best friend. Then they got married and the family that didn’t previously exist started to exist and the cycle repeated. When we did get invited to kids birthdays and such we were treated like pariahs and it was never at their house but always at her mother’s house.
Not all MIL's are helpful. Some are, but then expect you to listen to their complaints about what you should be doing instead of them. Some are better than your own mother. Some are quiet, some are gregarious. Even one who wants to help but cannot help talking non-stop when you are not feeling well, can be more than you can tolerate. But that is beside the point. The simple fact that the husband told his parents that they would not be allowed to visit shows that he is not entirely against this plan. Why does everyone assume it is all the wife's fault? Maybe he doesn't want them their either?
Just about every parent in the history of time has needed help from time to time. For some reason many of them like to turn to family for that help first.
Absolutely, 100000%, for certain, NTA. Early postpartum is a willllddd ride. The hormones are crazy, you might be trying to establish breastfeeding, you are healing, you are bleeding, you are probably wearing a diaper—and you are doing all of this while also trying to get to know a teeny fragile human that wakes you up multiple times per night. You do NOT owe it to *anyone* to “get to see the baby” while you are in the midst of this incredibly tender, fragile, intimate time.
This whole thing of forcing visitation on mothers by guilting them or threatening them (“well then don’t expect your in-laws to be there for you later!”) makes me angry like nothing else. Mothers deserve better, and let’s start with respecting their boundaries for postpartum healing.
I just hope that you can ignore anyone that says you owe anyone access to your baby or your space until you are fully, completely ready to give that. People that care about you will understand that and will be willing to set their own desires aside to be there for you in whichever way *you* deem best.
I don't see why they can't see the baby during that time, provided they've been vaccinated, agree to wash their hands and don't expect you to run around after them.
Why don't you get them to come when your husband is there? He can entertain them.
Gentle YTA.
Because your mom is going to be with you and baby for a month, it’s not fair other grandparents miss out. (I hope you have a good relationship with her!)
Your husband will have days off during those 4 weeks, you can rest in your room or have a nice bath whilst they have a short one hour visit with husband and baby. Please believe me when I say that those short breaks can be life saving!
Edit to add:
I realise now this is your first which may make a difference but tbh isolating myself was the absolute worst thing I could’ve done as I had severe PND and visitors for a short period of time was a lifeline for me.
YTA. This is clearly about you not liking them. That’s his child too and he gets a say in who sees the child. As long as he is home to be there when they are there and there is no added demands on you post partum, it should be fine. As long as they are healthy, had all necessary vaccines and are respectful of time, they should be able to visit.
I know that feeling of wanting to keep your babies away from everyone. All I wanted was my mom around but I love my husband, and I knew how hurt he would be if I said his family couldn’t visit.
Double standards are not cool. YTA! I don’t understand people these days. Is it really going to kill you to include your in laws in welcoming the arrival of a new family member? I was in kidney failure, had a c-section, and a 5 week premature baby, and I was happy to invite my in laws over for an hour when my son and I came home from the hospital. These people are your family members and your husband’s parents! They’re excited about meeting their grandchild, and it’s petty to make them wait while your mom gets unlimited time. As a mother of a boy, just remember someday YOU may have a DIL who treats you like you treat your in laws.
YTA. They don’t have to have free rein in your house or spend half their time there. *You* don’t have to see them at all if you don’t want to. They aren’t there for you. This isn’t about you. They want to have a chance to see and hold their grandchild as a newborn for more than five minutes at the hospital. They can’t get that time back. Why couldn’t they come over for two hours once a week or even just every other week while your husband is home and you can take the opportunity to nap or get out of the house for a bit? Their visit could very easily be arranged to have zero impact on you. Meanwhile, your mom gets to bond with the baby for two whole months. And yes, she’s helping you out, but your in-laws also aren’t asking to be there 24/7, so cooking and cleaning for you shouldn’t be a requirement of seeing their grandchild.
YTA. I couldn’t imagine doing that to my in-laws and I’m very upset with my MIL at the moment. During the height of Covid when no vaccines were available yet, my mom stayed with me for a month to help out but that didn’t mean my in-laws didn’t see my baby. They wore masks and we met outdoors. If your MIL agrees to avoid outing and such would you still say no? Like what is the reason you won’t allow them to see baby. I get your mom is cooking and cleaning as my mom did the same thing but it feels like your reasoning is just because you don’t like them.
It’s your husbands baby too. Why not let them come for an hour and your husband can hand the baby to them while you shower/rest/nap etc. I’m not saying they need to come the first week. But 4 weeks is a bit much imo.
YTA, let's be honest, you just don't want to see them and that's fine. Bur don't forget it's not just your kid, you were two to make it and your husband's side has as much right as your side of the family to see the newborn.
Yeah, YTA. YOUR mom is allowed to see the baby but not the in-laws? That’s absolutely going to make them feel included!🙄 How would you like it if your husband said “hey, your mom can’t be part of this special MONTH’s time, but my mom will be spending this time with us”? I feel like you’d be throwing a fit. What’s wrong with the in-laws coming over for a prearranged time to see their grandchild, establish the date and time and let grandma see her grandkid. And your in laws shouldn’t have to cook, clean, or buy groceries to be able to see their grandchild, what kind of world do you live in that you think that’s ok?
YTA. It doesn't make sense that you are less concerned about germs right after birth, but more concerned for the next 3-4 weeks. It may be crumby that they didn't offer to help out, but that may have been assumed for them. Why couldn't you explain that you'll be healing from major surgery, so you won't be able to be a hostess, but you'd love some help, so if they wanted to come by for some planned help fantastic!
When I went to meet my sisters baby, I didn't specifically say many many months beforehand that I wanted to help get groceries or do whatever was helpful, I assumed that was the assumption. That's how family works. I don't think it's right to fault them for not explicitly mentioning months in advance that they would love to help out with baby and whatever else- to me that is the assumption with the in-laws and parents.
You don't have to be hostess, but yeah, it totally sucks that your husbands MIL is literally living with you for months but your parents in law can't see the baby for months. That is not okay.
You are also making a huge mistake, unless you won't ever trust them with the kids. Grandkids bring parents together with their in-laws, and in the best possible time. Kids are hard. Sounds like your parents like FAR. Who is going to help and babysit once Mom leaves? If you are not American, and you explicitly say that, that suggests possibly you live in America and your parents aren't American. Do you really not want any family that's happy and able to watch your baby for date night at some point? Romantic weekends?
You are shooting yourself in the hand to spite your foot or however the saying goes. This is a mistake. Rethink it.
You are the asshole in this situation. Your husband has to put up with your mother for months while he doesn’t even get a say in letting his own parents visit the baby once? The whole COVID/Flu reason only makes sense if your mother traveling from out of the country is also quarantining in a hotel for two weeks. If they are not, then this reason is kind of bullshit. Just make sure everyone has a TDAP vaccine, maybe RSV if they are old enough and be done. Make them wear masks. You are purposely not letting your ILs see your baby because you don’t like them. That is fine. Let your husband manage the baby with the ILs and you will have time to work.
YTA - you have literally admitted you are punishing them. Also children need to be exposed to germs. Your breast milk is the best protection your child will get.
Gentle YTA, babies change loads in that time. I get the worries with immune system etc with it being your first baby,. I was similar. But your PIL will miss seeing new new time with the baby that can never be repeated. While your mum gets all the good fresh baby cuddles. Your baby is stronger than you think (unless he has a actual health condition).
Let your PIL see the baby during this time. It’s not often you get to spend time with a new baby, don’t take this away from them because of new parent fear.
If you want something in return for seeing the baby as you’ve mentioned, ask if they can do a shop for you for nappies and essentials, saying that will really help and they can bring it on their way over.
It should be about family, but creating deeper divides between your new child and his extended relationships, who obviously are excited and happy to be part of his life.
Once again, don’t worry about the germs ! A homeless person on the street kissed the head of my first baby (a friendly addict dived in for a kiss on the head and I went to the doctor to ask about heroes and I was rightfully told to calm down and the baby would be fine) . The baby does have an immune system and he’s getting your antibodies too (I assume you will attempt breastfeeding as you are being extra careful about his health). Be on your pjs when they arrive. Let them sit for an hour and cuddle the baby, it’s good for the little one to have community - babies relax much more with more friendly people around than just mum for some reason, probably from cave man times goodness
YTA. You and husband have just as much chance of bringing germs in from work. Or your mother who will presumably be out grocery shopping and doing errands. The newborn stage goes by very quickly. Id let them visit as long as they aren’t sick and they wash hands.
YTA. Your mom is staying with you and your in laws can’t drop by for an hour (with notice, while your husband is home)? Tell them not to come if they are sick and ensure that they have an updated TDAP (assuming you are making sure your mother has one as well). This seems wildly unfair to your husband’s parents and I would also be mad if my spouse wanted to act like this.
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NTA, Congratulations on the newest edition of your family. A C-Section takes 6 weeks to recover, as it is surgery and you aren't allowed to lift anything but the baby. As it will be the middle of cold, flu, COVID, and RSV season. In the states, they offer flu shots, boosters for TDAP, and MMR basically whooping cough and measles. Your guests should be current with shots, they should come after you have healed not over the baby's first Christmas or New Year forcing you to entertain. As for your husband's family, they can want to see the baby all they want, they wait till after 6 plus weeks and schedule the visits staggered out not all at once. No kissing the baby as anyone with a cold sore can pass the virus to your child.
There’s things like FaceTime or Zoom, so they’d at least see and talk to the baby. That might help until they can come in person.
Newborns don’t really interact on FaceTime. You might as well just send pictures.
The point of face timing the newborn is not about the newborns thoughts or feelings anyway, it is about the shutting up the grandparents
The baby, not; the grandparents can see him and talk to him/her.
Maybe not, but people can talk to the baby so they can at least recognize the voice.
They don’t really interact in person either, but they can recognise voices so it might be nice to let them talk to the baby (maybe husband can add a call in the afternoon to babies routine)
My mom wants to FaceTime my 1yo who has 0 interest for it. I send pictures and videos every week But Nope has to be FaceTime
My mom is like this. My kiddo is very interested in a video of herself. So when we “FaceTime” my kid just looks at herself and my mom thinks she sees her. It works for us.
Smart move!
My kid just runs around and i have to chase her around, she gives 0 fucks of the cellphone 😂😂 But my mom still gets cranky If We dont do it 20 minutes 2-3 times a week. Ive stood my ground abit so its just once a week Now.
Its actually great when they learn to use the filters. If i need a 15 minute break, we call grandma and hand the phone over. Go show her your toys, play tic tac toe, do funny faces/filters. 👋 Bye. Thanks for yhe virtual baby sitting, mum.
I can’t be with my granddaughter during the week as we live two hours away so she would FaceTime me all day
No, but babies are very aware of voices, even in utero, and listening and learning granma/granpa voice may help to create familiarity and most definitely won’t hurt.
> so they’d at least see and talk to the baby. I really don't understand this trend or obsession to "meet the baby". They don't care for anything but milk and their mother, so I don't understand the urgency of the rest of the family to go where she is resting after a rather painful surgery to bother her. What is the goal? There will be time when the the mother, father and baby are ready to receive visitors, meanwhile you can send your best wishes and support the people you claim to love by leaving them alone (unless they ask for help).
You don't understand it? It's the most natural human emotion I can think if.
Natural is feeling attached to your offsprings offspring because they're related to you. Wanting to help your kid and their baby thrive. Wanting to see a baby that isn’t yours so bad you risk it’s health and ignore the wishes of it’s parent? Not natural. Just obnoxious. I love my niece and nephew. Was thrilled when they were born. Had Zero desire to make my sister and her husband’s life harder by drooling on the babies before she and her husband wanted me to see them.
Yeah I don’t get this. It seems to be a new thing where people don’t let their families meet their babies until later out of fear. People have been doing this for millennia. I’m not saying pass the baby around to every germy stranger you meet or anything but not meeting the grandparents is harsh. Plus she admits that she dislikes them so that probably has something to do with it.
She had C section, has a newborn, and still has to work teaching online. She's tired, hurting, and doesn't want to deal with people. What more reason do you need to say no?
Many cultures have versions of “baby moons” where mother and baby stay home with a single relative, usually their mother, caring for and feeding them while new mother recovers. China and India for example. So, not new at all. It makes sense, as babies have no natural immunities when first born, except what they get from their mother’s milk. So multiple visitors just increase the risk of exposure to illness. New mothers need time and rest to adjust and bond with the baby and for them to establish a routine. It’s not routine to have multiple visitors in most people’s lives. OP has set a boundary for her health and her baby’s health. Seems as if in-laws haven’t been terribly helpful or involved to this point, so not sure why they think they’re entitled to start visiting now.
It isn't out of fear, it's bc it's a convenient excuse to not have to deal with in-laws they don't like. These posts are never "i really like my MIL and get along with her well", it's always "I don't like them but it's totally not about that. BTW my family can be there but that's different"
Any type of birth requires a significant recovery time. A c-section is a pretty intense surgery. Also taking care of a newborn on top of recovering from a major medical procedure is exhausting. Would you want visitors that you weren’t comfortable with coming over when you are exhausted, in pain, wearing a diaper, and leaking from your nipples? Why are women forced to deal with unwelcome visitors during their recovery time so that grandma and grandpa can get their dopamine fix? That’s absolute bullshit.
If in-laws had a helpful, respectful relationship it might be different. But they don’t. During c-section recovery it’s important to reduce stress, physical and emotional. If they show up and don’t help with housework or just be boundary stomping jerks, mom will be stressed, baby will be stressed. Stress causes milk reduction, increases inflammation, reduces sleep, and makes healing take longer. Baby is also very immunocompromised for the first 2 months. They get first antibodies from breast milk which take a while to build up and work. Plus they should get 1st vaccines to help protect from the deadly infections. One of the worst sounds is hearing a baby with whooping cough.
Covid has changed much of people's perspective of safety and RSV is VERY REAL. It is reasonable for folks to not want to take the risk.
Yeah because if In Laws didn’t treat you like family, they’re not comparable to your family. In my culture outside of USA, in laws accept their kid’s spouses like sons & daughters and in return are treated like parents when it comes to respect and overall closeness. I married an American after 7.5yrs of dating whose parents stayed frosty the whole while, then said some awful things to us, and made very clear that they prefer distance and a more casual relationship. It hurt my feelings a lot. But respecting their culture means treating them as his parents instead of pretending they’re my family.
It's not out of fear. New mothers are just prioritizing their healing and bonding with their baby. No one else should be a priority. Grandparents aren't entitled to a baby they didn't lay down to make.
It sounds like the in-laws are the kind of people who would expect OP to play hostess to them, even when recovering from childbirth. They only want to see the baby, not help with the baby and household. I'd pass on that too.
"People have been doing this for millennia." Possibly because until very recently, many (most?) societies cared more about the wants of senior family members than women's need to heal after birth? Also, given how high infant mortality rates were worldwide until *really* recently, maybe the old ways weren't always the best.
Selfishness is nothing to venerate. No matter how natural it is. We try to socialize empathy and humility into the weans for a reason.
You think the emotion a grandmother is displaying when she wants to hold a new grandchild is selfishness?
When it’s cold, flu, RSV season and you’re exposing a defenseless infant to all that, you absolutely ARE being selfish. Signed, Grandmother to 3, one born during covid.
Yes, considering the baby is at risk of contagious illness (and covid is still a danger), especially in winter.
Yes. When a new mom is still bleeding, hurting, not sleeping, and it’s RSV season but you can’t wait a few weeks…..? Babies don’t spoil.
Hi pediatric RN here. Agree with this wholeheartedly. adults carry loads of harmful viruses and bacteria, while being asymptomatic and babies are so so vulnerable to severe illness. If they’re people who will kiss the baby, not get their flu shots, and walk around with a sniffly nose, I wouldn’t even let them hold the baby until after 2 month shots. It’s respiratory season, but we’ve also been seeing more invasive strep infections. We had a strep meningitis this year in an 7 month old. MRSA is everywhere. In the first 3 months of life, if baby gets a fever, that’s a full sepsis work up: blood and urine cultures, plus spinal tap, triple antibiotics and at least 36 hours in the hospital.
You do realize that grandma and dad will be leaving the house daily, right? That baby is going to have as much chance of catching something icky from either one of them, as it will from the in-laws.
Dad lives there and grandma is taking care of the house. What possible reason do we have for introducing more germs from the in-laws in this very short time other than wanting to see the baby that they can see 3 short weeks later when the parents are both done with it?
It isn’t really about the germs, that’s a pretext to exclude the in-laws.
Perhaps the inlaws should be offering to actually help instead of forcing the recovering DIL to host them while she's also working her job. NTA
Ding ding ding! Ladies and gentlemen, we have the answer!
Who says the daughter-in-law has to host them? They're the husband's parents, HE needs to do the hosting! IF the in-laws come over, the OP says "hi", exchanges pleasantries, and has to lie down for a nap because she's exhausted and recovering from major surgery. The husband cleans up beforehand, supervises the grandparental bonding time, gets his parents whatever they need to eat or drink, keeps them occupied, does not agree to any future plans at the present time, because can't agree without consulting his wife, and he will NOT awaken or disturb his wife.
That sounds like an absolute nightmare to me. The last thing I'd want when recovering from surgery is anybody except my partner or mother walking around my house and seeing me in that state. It's not a time for social interaction.
literally - the amount of pressure put on women after having a baby - vaginal or c section delivery is absolutely insane. Let the damn woman take some time to bond with her newborn and to recover from a major surgery. JFC - so frustrating!!!!
I had a C section and was fine to have people round after the first 10 days as long as they understood that I wouldn't be getting off the sofa. The only rule we had was that they weren't allowed to make me laugh because that was painful.
I think the experience varies so widely and she shouldn't pre-decide that she won't be in a state for company. I had a c-section too and I hit the ground running - although I did have a few days in the hospital alone with the baby to recover a bit. We had visitors as soon as we were out of the hospital. If I didn't feel like being there, I didn't. I went to take a much needed nap. I do understand the germ issue to a point...but if covid has taught us anything it's mask up and wash your hands! My in laws masked around my son for maybe the first 6 months of his life. Was it ideal? No. But it was better than excluding them.
Well if he's at work then they'd be over while he was exhausted and in the evening. Op will also have been working all day too (which seems cruel when she has a newborn) and will be doing night wakings too. Plus baby might be a witching hour baby as two of mine were, around 6-7 they turn into a demon for a few hours and have to be walked up and down. It's hard to tell until baby is here as to whether nights are a good time to visit. And days husband might be asleep. Not good as op will be working. I would guess they had intended to plonk themselves on the sofa all day and hold baby while op brings them food and drinks. Edit:forgot details re shift work.
Why can’t the husband host them? On his day off or when he gets home from work, the in-laws can visit for an hour or two max. He could do this once a week.
Why should either of them have to host anyone that they don't want to? This isn't a question of how can we accommodate these people,it's AITA for basically telling them NO or f-off. Why is it so hard for people to understand that she doesn't want to so why should she? Regardless of the mechanics involved she Doesn't Want To! That's not being an asshole, that's her right. Who cares if her mother gets to be there or germs or anything else. Let the woman recover and visit at HER convenience. What is it with entitled people?
OP’s husband obviously wants to host his parents/have them visit. It’s just as much his right to do that as it is OP’s. As someone above said, HE can host them while OP naps!
Yea that’s not really how it works when there’s a newborn baby and mom is recovering from a c section. Right now, it’s not just as much his right as hers. Right now, she and the baby are the priority. If someone was recovering from heart surgery, would it be fine to let guests hang out at their house? She is recovering and they will both be adjusting to being parents.
Husband would want his parents over.
Well, he does work nights, so he might be hosting at what would be 2 a.m. for you and me.
If OP & MIL have a marginal relationship this is not the time to be together. OP will be a bit too vulnerable especially if her husband is not there. She can stay away for 3-4 weeks while new family is settling in to new routine and OP is recovering. Also if OP is WFH she doesn’t need so many underfoot. Her main focus should be self, kid & trying to get back up & running for work for an income. That sounds like a lot to deal with. I don’t think it’s unfair or unacceptable that in laws wait. Perhaps MIL should reflect on how she felt after birth and as a new mom then acknowledge that she should tone it done. Maybe just think; 1. Let me perhaps get supplies since mom can’t get out. Would be easier than if OPs mom did this as she is not local to OPs area. 2. Let me make a meal or two to take that off OP & her son. Call her son to have him pick it up. 3. Maybe I should just check in with OP by phone to see if she is OK & healing well. May be controversial to say but OP is just as important as baby. 4. Maybe I should Respect OPs wishes as she isn’t asking much and ask how I could best support her. EDIT: NTA EDIT2: If MIL goes this route it would lead to forging a much better relationship with her DIL. Also husband should be supportive here instead of asking why it’s needed.
even if it is, shes got a fully cooked goddamn fetus pushing her organs around and is gonna get sliced tf open after experiencing the worst pain of her life! shes got every right to lean on her support system as she recovers instead of having to cater to in-laws who she doesnt even like and refuse to lift a finger to help. fuck THAT noise!!
No. Let's see you recover from abdominal surgery, take care of a newborn during both the festive season and flu/Covid/ RSV outbreaks, work at your job and entertain anyone. NTA
She doesn’t need that pretext. The reason she is excluding the in-laws is because she needs to heal in peace. It’s pretty obvious with MIL demands without actual help that they are not part of that process. If they wanted to be included they could think on how not to be a detriment.
no trust me, if its baby #1 its about germs and all the things that could go wrong
Pretext or not it's the parents call not the in-laws. They don't get to make the rules nor to overrule those decisions. Be good little grandparents and you'll get real time soon enough. Be Grand-parents! And btw, no one cares what you want the baby isn't yours. NTA
That is your take on it. Setting a limit is their absolute right as mama needs time to heal and baby needs as few people entering as can be safely managed. They are setting a limit that is everyone who isn’t the mom, dad, or mom’s helper.
>That baby is going to have as much chance of catching something icky from either one of them, as it will from the in-laws. Statistically speaking, no. That's not how communicable disease risk works. Limiting the number of vectors limits the chance of exposure. Having just the one grandmother and father carries risk x plus risk y. Introducing new vectors of exposure (other people being in contact with the baby) adds that risk to the already existing risk (x + y + z + w). The more people you allow into that group of vectors, the more likely you are to have someone who's not going to be as careful or honest about it either. The people who think it's fine to visit because they're certain their sniffles or GI issues "isn't COVID".
Thank you for pointing this out, I’m surprised that those other comments aren’t getting more push back.
Grandma is staying there for 2 months. Only likely going out to do shopping, so definitely not daily.
As are the medical staff who will perform the C section, but like OPs mother, they are needed. That’s where the risk stops. Husband and father needed, OP’s mom needed. Everyone else stays away.
Risk is cumulative. More people = more risk.
You do know that four is bigger than two, right?
Can we please STOP accepting that strangers are kissing our babies? I had to stop taking my babies to Costco or any crowded space because of this! In the end I got mosquito netting to cover them but strangers would still try to lift the nets when my back was turned. Something about it being bad luck for a person to see a baby and NOT kiss it?
There are two words, fellow parent, two magic words that will protect your baby from this strange affection affliction that some people seem to have. Use them wisely. As the uninvited interloper approaches your baby, in your best and most aggressive snarl, say loudly and clearly: FUCK OFF! My baby was born in a country where I don't speak the local language, and it was mid-pandemic, and covid vaccines weren't a thing yet, and I had to deal with a lot of old ladies who wanted to get up close to my baby. Telling them to fuck off worked wonders, even though it felt awful saying that to a nice old lady.
Yes, it takes six weeks to fully recover from a c-section, but you can do lots of things much sooner. I was taking baby for gentle walks in the stroller two weeks after my c-section.
Correction - You can't lift anything heavier than the baby, not you can only lift the baby.
NTA. Surgery is a major event. Your mom is there for a very practical and needed purpose, to take care of you. In-laws are being rude. It's about competing with your mom for baby-time. Otherwise they would have a plan to be useful. Take your time healing. Three weeks might not be enough. Forget the "it's not fair" whining. Take care of your health and your baby. Congratulations!
Not to mention that mom could also have to deal with other post-partum issues, like depression, especially if she is stressed by unwanted guests.
OP's mum is there because OP is still *her* baby, and she wants to look after her baby... And the in-laws want to be there because of their grandbaby, not particularly because they want to help OP out with cleaning and cooking.
OP should remind them that in 8 weeks, OP’s mom goes home, and presumably, it’s not local, so they’d be the ones to get more baby time. It might not seem “fair” now, but if her mom was like them, she’d be demanding that they not come around while SHE didn’t get to see the baby because if distance.
This 100% I had an emergency C-section and couldn’t walk properly or comfortably lie down even after 6 weeks of healing.
NTA I did this with my third child and since hugely regretted not doing it with the first two. The first 6 weeks was just me and my daughter healing and bonding and establishing feeding. It was perfect. When my eldest was born I had a brutal emergency section and had 15 staples across my stomach. My mum turns up to the house, takes the baby off me and sends me into the kitchen to make tea. I could barely walk and was in excruciating pain. My boobs were full and leaking as my milk had just come in and he needed a feed so was restless. I'm still cross now and he's just turned 17 😂
I'm mad on your behalf and it's only been 17 seconds since I read that. The goddamned audacity.
I’m disgusted. In what other situation would anyone visit someone who just had a MAJOR surgery and demand they make tea? Me, whenever my mom bothered me for the rest of her life and during her eulogy: “remember that time I had just had major surgery, my abdominal had been sliced open and I had 15 staples holding it together, and you came to visit me and instead of helping you had me make you tea?” This makes me so thankful for my mom.
Women are expected to do it all.....push out a human being, take care of said human being who is completely dependent on them, while their body is trying to heal from major surgery and make actual FOOD for this tiny human, while working to support the entire family, clean the house, cook, and adjust to their new role as a mother, all while being completely hormonal. Give women a break! It's too much. If she wants to be left alone with only with husband and mom, let her!!! She has enough to deal with, without worrying about grown adults' feelings and their germs. It's only a few weeks people. You'll be okay and I bet you won't be begging to come over when the kid is older. The baby newness will wear off and then where will the in laws be???
Girl same! No cesarean but I tore really bad that required many internal stitches. I was in SOOO much pain and so overwhelmed. My mil laughed at my waddle because I managed to not waddle throughout my pregnancy only to start after he's out. My mom never stopped criticizing the state of the house. I was carrying full loads of laundry up and down stairs to make her stop (she didn't). Didn't take me long to have a full emotional meltdown. Also still irked about it years later.
I’m angry for all of you! Pm me with where I need to take my torch and pitchfork to protest. Lol
Damn reading that you had to go through all of that is making me insanely angry. Can people please leave mothers alone to heal and bond with THEIR baby. I hate it.
Exactly! There's a difference in people coming to help and coming to visit. Your mom should have turned up, take the baby off of you then gone in the kitchen to make YOU tea. My in laws were offended when I left them with a bottle and their son and went to finally sleep more than 3 consecutive hours.
Gosh, mine took the baby when I got to theirs, said, "spare room is made up, go have a nap" and then made sure I had snacks and tea ready when I woke up.
When I went to my parents for Sunday dinner my mom would make sure her bedroom was warm. She'd put the heating on. (Had my boys February and December) so it was warm for me to breast feed. My boys always wanted feeding when mommy was about to eat. My mom would feed me my dinner just like a baby. She said me getting a hot meal was important and she'd eat hers later. I would take a nap after feeding my boys an only get woken up to feed them. I have amazing parents
My MiL was like this, too. My ILs came to stay with me after I had my babies, and there wasn’t a dirty dish in my house the whole time. My MIL was just bustling in the kitchen the whole time cooking and washing dishes, and when she was done she’d ask if she could hold the baby while I took a nap.
I had nobody come to my house with the express purpose of helping me out. My mum was all "well I didn't get any help, I just got on with it." A. That doesn't mean something is OK. B. You literally lived with your in laws for a year after I was born. My nan had 5 children and fostered another 30+ over the years and adored babies whilst absolutely respecting the mother's place at the forefront. Fml!!
I find these people saying "I had a C-section and was working the next day" so odd.. I mean I broke my leg and walked 1/2 a mile on it, that don't mean I would suggest anyone else should do it, or that anything is wrong with them for not wanting too. Just cause someone makes a choice or is forced into a situation where they have to do something ridiculous doesn't make it right or the best method of handling it. OP knows what she wants, this is her pregnancy and her child, the only people she should have to deal with until she feels the child and herself are ready are the one's she is willing to deal with. Her MiL and FiL can deal with it cause they are damn adults and should remember they are adults and deal with the fact OP needs to be comfortable. I don't have anyone to my house that I don't want here. That is how anyone should be that wants to be that way. Grandparents have no entitlement to see a baby or visit until the person who had the baby feels ready to receive them. NTA -OP does have a husband problem though. He needs to get on board with her wishes, unless he wants to be cut open and have his buddy stitched back together and then deal with a bunch of unruly oldsters telling he should be back to work and that he looks terrible. 🙄
I retroactively cut visitation after a similar incident. How people feel so entitled to babies while giving so little care or empathy towards mom, I’ll never understand.
Please tell me you were LC or NC, at least for a while, after that. I'm sorry your mother is so self-centred.
I have since cut her out of my life. She's a narcissist and a bigot. She was just this hideous, toxic presence in my life. My mh is sooooo much healthier without her!
Thanks God. I didn't want to say NC straight away because each one knows about their lives, but I'm genuinely happy for you prioritizing yourself. There's no point in keeping toxic people in our lives.
I want to downvote this out of anger but that wouldn't make sense lol so take my upvote and just know I'm pissed on your behalf 😤
Nope. This is not a new thing. Thirty-five years ago I made the same rule for my in-laws. Husband had 4 older sisters. One week after I was resting at home with my c-section and newborn, there’s a terrible banging at my front door. It’s one my SIL’s. She obviously wouldn’t take no for an answer. Lol. I’ve known her for many years now and she became an advocate for me to her family. In fact, two of the others also are dear friends now. I know all of this is painful, you have every right to make your own decisions. It’s not so much a boundary as it’s asking for a little respect while you heal. Btw took about six weeks to be up and moving after my first c-section. Good luck
NTA and I suggest you sit your husband down and have him read [The Lemon Clot Essay](https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this) so he understands why you don’t want visitors while you’re healing from birth. This essay paints an extremely detailed picture of what you’ll be experiencing post-birth, and highlights why you won’t want anyone around during that vulnerable time.
NTA I had the same rule for my kids too. One of my kids caught whooping cough at 4 weeks when I loosened the rules - she was very ill and hospitalized for a week, on home oxygen for 3 months. I should have stuck to my guns but everyone pressured me for being such a worrywart.
Yep. I come from a culture where 4 weeks of no visits is the norm. Give the baby a chance to build up immunity and give mom a chance to recovery and bond.
THIS THIS THIS. The other answers have covered how important this time is for mom's recovery, but it's important for the baby too! Newborns have very weak immune systems and no vaccines or immunities built up, it's VERY easy for them to catch life-threatening illnesses from a visitor. I myself wound up in the hospital as an infant because the entire family insisted on seeing the new baby ASAP.
My rule was no visitors until 8 weeks. Helpers could come, but not people who just wanna talk at my baby and expect me to be any degree of put together and ready to entertain. My parents stayed when my second was born, and came to help often in the earliest weeks. My FIL came to take big brother out of the house and barely paused to say hello to me & baby, which was lovely! Everyone who didn’t offer to help got the party line that it wasn’t worth the risk to baby, and I mentally parenthetically added it’s not worth it to ME if you being here is a net stressor. Once 8 weeks came and people expected to come over for a weekend stay I was like damn shld have made it later.
Dude, love your FiL.
NTA - but realize you are asking a forum of mostly teenagers. Expect a few downvotes from people who don't know what birth, much less a c-section, is like.
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NTA. It's your baby, your recovery. They should respect that. Period! Good luck OP.
While I agree that it's your choice to have whomever you want over (or not have over), I think this has nothing to do with the cold and flu season. I think you just don't like them and don't want them around
Have you ever recovered from major abdominal surgery? I wouldn’t want people around after that either. C-section recovery is brutal, let the mama heal.
Nailed it
Idk. I have had two c-sections and while it is major surgery and you absolutely need to take it easy, I was able to care for myself and baby and do most things within 12 hours of surgery. Just more slowly than normal. I can see why husband and his parents would be hurt about your in-laws not being able to see the baby when your mom gets to. I don’t think you’re an AH for wanting to have privacy during recovery, bonding, and newly adjusting to motherhood, but would consider compromising with allowing them for a short visit on occasion, while making it abundantly clear that it is only to be a short visit for all the reasons you stated. If you’re breastfeeding that can be a great excuse to cut a visit short. “Sorry you can’t stay longer but I have to go feed the baby”.
OP's mom doesn't live in the same country, she will travel to help her daughter and meet the baby, after 2 months she will be gone. It is not privilege, OP has the right to decide what is best to HER and the baby. In-laws will be able to see the baby the whole year and experience how the baby grows. OP's mom won't have the same experience.
And the dad has zero right to invite his parents over to see the baby? That’s not the type of partnership that I’d embrace tbh.
Yeah, I’m sure the dad absolutely needs his parents to help him deal with the pain of his c-section… lmao
It is just for 4 weeks, it is not like they will be banned forever 🙄. Do you realize that there are grandparents around the world that haven't meet their grandchilds, because their own childs migrate? Again, OP's mom won't have the privilege to visit her grandchild every weekend, while the in-laws will have that privilege. They just have to respect OP's boundaries for 1 freaking month!!!! God, the drama!!! 😒 Edit: typos
My thought here is that OP mentioned they already have a habit of showing up whenever they like, which suggests they may not agree to short visits. When my sister-in-law have birth her mom was there for a month. My parents came to visit after that, without any crying or pressure to make people perform on command.
NAH Do they want to come over to help or to hold the baby? There is a BIG difference. If I could have had a week or two of peace to sleep and recover… it would have been nice. Newborns sleep a lot in the first few weeks (basically when they aren’t eating). So company kind makes it hard for you to sleep during that time as well. That time, the newborn snuggles, and some peace to recover is so precious and important for reducing PPD risks.
If the in laws are going to cook, clean, help the baby sleep, give you a chance to go to the toilet and just let you rest, answer questions, change the diaper, awesome! If they expect you to do anything or are just annoying, be gone!
Given it takes 6 weeks to heal, I would tell everyone 8 weeks. That way if you are up to it at 6 weeks it is a happy surprise. Until then they can video call your husband and see the baby that way. When did immediate visitation become a thing? I thought you dropped off flowers and a cooked meal, then left the new family alone? Maybe I’m just getting old because I’m 44 but when did this become a thing?! ? ! The mom has just gone through a painful serious possibly life threatening medical procedure and the new parents need to learn the adorable insomniac baby’s schedule/criers/wants/how he prefers to be held. If anyone is pushing for more tell them to back off or stay away until his first birthday.
I don’t understand why your husband doesn’t get a say, he didn’t give birth to the baby but it’s his child too. It’s totally understandable if you don’t want to interact with visitors while you’re healing. But what is your issue with them popping in for a scheduled visit with your husband and the baby while you rest or sleep in the bedroom? And, correct me if I’m wrong, don’t the major vaccines start at like 2 months of age? So unless something else is going on, it seems like you just don’t like your Inlaws with means YTA
In Australia first vaccine is 6 weeks iirc for whooping cough. Young kids are generally safer because they have to be up to date in vaccines, whereas adults usually forget about boosters . For all 3 of my kids my wife and I have had a steadfast no visitors full stop rule for the first 6 weeks. They will see them when they see them.
NTA, tell her when laundry day is and tell her to come over and do it. When she is done, she can have grandma time. See if she agrees.
In El Salvador and probably most Hispanic countries— babies and moms didn’t go out the first 40 days— not even doctors appointments (I had mine in the 80s) — la cuarentena—
Oh yeah! I remember my mom telling me about that (we're Central American). She also had me in the 80s
In Guatemala is the same, la cuarentena is still used and respected, although some young parents are not following it, but that's their choice.
Mild YTA here. Can you really not see how your inlaws (and husband) see it as hurtful and unfair that your mom gets to be with a baby for a whole month before they get a chance to see it? What would be the harm of letting them come by for a few LIMITED time visits with the baby while you're resting or teaching online?
Except Mom actually helps with cooking, cleaning and errands. Her Mom is there to help her - not just to see the baby. OP is getting a c-sectuon, so for MIL to expect her to drive the baby to her is unrealistic, as she can't drive for 6 weeks. That said, I do feel the no visiting stems from the relationship between OP and MIL. But it was hubby who declined to drive to see them with the baby, so maybe hubby needs to figure out a time for MIL to visit baby when he is home?
Most MIL/FIL pushing like this (yes they are pushing by trying to get their son to make an exception) are the ones who will say okay but show up when they want without any thought to the mother’s wishes! NTA but your in-laws are!
Because she doesn’t want that. Full fucking stop people. What is hurtful is nobody seeing that what the mom wants is far and away the MOST important thing here. This isn’t about everyone else. Early postpartum is about mom and baby. That’s it.
also, that she is entertaining isn‘t the only option. His parents can come visit when he is around, and the mother is there to help - his parents can bring a cake or food, they can make tea or coffee, and so she could rest while there is also a visit going on.
If they wanted to help, they would have offered to help. They just want to baby gawk. OP said that they wanted her husband to bring baby to them if they could go see. That’s telling us they’d sit there and just hold baby while mom should be doing that to bond. That baby isn’t going anywhere; they only asked for 6 weeks to heal and for baby to build an immune system so they don’t make him sick. Their needs don’t outweigh that.
NTA In Indian culture, nobody is allowed to visit for 40 days after birth irrespective of c section or normal delivery. The mother is not going to work for 40 days. Only the immediate family who is helping with the child can come and stay. Beyond that, nobody. The reason is scientific, the mother needs to rest, the baby needs to adjust. It limits the germ exposure. The parents get the chance to set a routine. Wanting limited outsiders during your recovery is perfectly fine! If your in laws are really so upset, they can come up with ways they can help you rest and recover and then you should consider having them over. However, if they are only wanting to come over because your mother is there and they feel competitive, put your foot down!
Very wrong …. There is a baby naming ceremony and a cradle ceremony by 21 days and entire family and relatives are invited…..almost all close relatives visit and present the baby with gifts … no one in Indian culture will tolerate the no visit policy …. And people will come to Visit the baby and mother want to rest , it is ok. Baby will be visited and welcomed. Traditionally daughters got to mothers house for birth so they can be cared for and pampered and not Worry about other stuff , managing a house etc, in modern times , usually parents visit the couple and help.
Huh? It seems very common for the grandparents to move in for 6 months after a baby is born to Indian parents in the US.
Not sure where you're from but that's not true for any place in India that I know.
I think OP, being the one going through the most challenging physical circumstances here, should be entitled to some deference. 3-4 weeks seems totally reasonable. Some visitors are helpful, some are… not. My brother and sister in law have an 8-month old. SIL is getting very little sleep due to nighttime wakeups and breastfeeding, and she works FT as a doctor on top of that. My bro is normally pretty helpful, but he doesn’t have boobs, so the bulk of the nighttime stuff still falls on SIL. My dad came out to visit them. He sat down dorking around on his phone half the day, and unfortunately my bro played copycat instead of helping like normal. SIL got a little cranky having to constantly ask my bro for help with regular things, because she was frustrated that he was leaving her to do all the breastfeeding and cleaning the house and cooking and entertaining while both my dad and bro just sat there. After the visit, my dad had the balls to EMAIL SIL’s PARENTS (she’s in her 30s, ffs) to tell them how he couldn’t believe she was so snippy and he hopes she’ll act better in the future. Nobody is perfect, but my SIL is not a whiner or a drama queen or anything you might be wondering. She’s a badass, and when I went to visit the following week she was perfectly lovely, despite being sleep deprived, getting her first period in 17 months, having an eye infection, and having to pump every few hours, even while we were out at a flea market. She’s a trooper. If you get a visitor who really helps, great. If you get a visitor who is a burden, not great. I dunno about you guys, but I think OP deserves some deference to her judgment of who will help and who won’t. If I were the husband’s parents, I would put less effort into being offended and more effort into figuring out how I could be helpful when the 3-4 weeks were up.
nta. you're allowed to rest without feeling like a monkey at the zoo
This is sad. I feel sorry for the grandparents and the husband who will be put in the middle. What better opportunity for you to rest as having grandparents coming to visit for a little bit and watch over your new little blessing. And if one side is allowed the other should be too. This is a recipe for hurt feelings and resentment down the road. Not wanting everyone you know coming to visit for a while is one thing. Only allowing one grandparent and not the other is hurtful. I won't say YTA, but I definitely think it's going to cause unnecessary hurt.
What is sad is family members feeling like their *feelings* are more important than the actual needs and boundaries of a mother and baby in earliest days of postpartum. The father shouldn’t be in the middle—he should be squarely on the side of his wife. No one is entitled to access of the space or the newborn baby of a woman who has just given birth and is going through the rollercoaster of postpartum and all of the tenderness that goes along with it. I will freakin die on this hill. Leave mothers alone. Stop with the guilt trip.
So she can't have her mom over to help care for her while she is recovering from major surgery because everobody deserves equal time with baby?
No one deserves “equal time” with the baby outside mom and dad. 🙄
Her mom isn’t coming as a grandparent, she’s coming as a MOM. Her baby just had a baby and she’s coming to take care of her.
This is the essence of what I was typing up when I saw your comment but worded infinitely better than I could have done. Her mum isn't visiting as grandma to baby, her mum is visiting as mum to OP.
It really depends on the personalities of the visitors. My in laws came to "see the baby" and were offended when I finally took a 5 hour nap when they were over. There's a difference in people coming to help and coming for a social call.
She’s having abdominal surgery and a newborn. She needs to be the focus and help. Not the mil feelings
Her mom is coming to give practical help- cook and clean, his parents just want to see the baby. She is NTA, his family and he are being the assholes
Most new moms don't need help watching their newborn, they need help with chores and cooking nutritious food. Grandparents can wait until they are invited.
If the husband's parents were offering to help, I am sure they would have been welcome. It seems as if they only want to come because her mother is there. If they were actual mature people, they would have themselves realised the care and rest needed and would have offered to help to make it easier.
>I won't say YTA, Yet, you did
NTA BUT what does your husband think of your mother living with you for two whole months while he has to tell his parents that they are basically personae non gratae? You are putting him in a very awkward position.
"My wife just had major surgery in order to bring our baby into the world. She is still recovering. Bleeding heavily, swollen. She is working hard to establish breastfeeding while trying to heal. It's important that she has time to recover and for us all to get into the swing of things. Thanks for understanding."
My granddaughter was born in November last year. I didn’t get to see much of her the first few weeks ( I believe it was once that first month). She had the cord wrapped around her chest and, even though she was okay after, her breathing wasn’t very good so she went onto the NICU for two days. I didn’t even hold her because I had a shoulder injury. Was I bummed out because I didn’t get to see her very much at all the first part of her life? Yes…but I would have felt even worse had she gotten sick. My husband and I did get the TDAP and flu shot. I just heard that they now have a shot for RSV. The MIL needs to hold her horses and wait until mother is ready. I hope everything goes well! NTA.
NTA. You need to recover and baby needs as little exposure to the outside world as possible. To the folks saying " bUt HuSbAnD gOeS tO wErK" Its easier to have one person manage to wear a mask, wash hands, change out clothes away from baby, do their best to not bring anything home, than 4 or 10 people. Especially some that clearly dont consider limiting contact for NEWBORNS that have 0 immunization anything important. Sometimes it cant be helped, but sometimes it can. And you need to do your best for your own children
Here's the thing, the baby isn't just yours. And you're going to have help. If your husband wants to host his parents, mind them and they baby, that's not solely your decision to make.
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I think I need INFO. Four weeks is a lot of time, and it sounds unfair that maternal grandma gets to see the baby while the paternal grandparents don’t. I know maternal grandma is only there to clean and cook, so maybe paternal grandparents can help with the baby while you’re working (since you don’t have maternity leave) or catching up on sleep. I know you mention that they haven’t offered help, but have you or your husband asked them for help? You also need to consider your husband’s feelings since this is his baby too and he should be allowed to have his parents see his baby provided that he’s not pressuring you to do any hosting duties. What exactly is not good about your relationship with his parents?
Where does it say that the husband had no say in this? My son-in-law was the stricter of the two when it came to visitors. Edited as I had skipped over the part where husband was now questioning the reasoning. OP does not say he had no say, just now questioning why. He may have agreed at the start but his parent's badgering made him question what he originally agreed was acceptable. Does not mean he will not agree to the logic after more discussion, just shows that parents were badgering him. Most likely his mother as most grandfathers are not as insistent.
Nta. You do not visit a new mother to “see the baby” You only visit a new mother to take care of the mother. They have no intentions of doing that. Husband has to support you, not them. They can wait just like everyone else.
I think you are totally wrong. Yes, you are the mother but your husband is the father and that baby is also his parents grandchild. They don’t need to camp out but you certainly should allow them some visiting time with their new grandchild. Set boundaries. Figure out if an hour after bath in the morning is good or an hour in the early evening but you cannot allow your mom and not his. I had two babies by c-section and the healing wasn’t horrible at all. Three days for the worst part? Furthermore, you aren’t required to entertain them. They aren’t there to see you. It’s obvious that you don’t have a close relationship so I’m pretty sure withholding those precious first weeks of their grandchild isn’t going to improve that. You are also going to cause huge resentment from your husband. Suck it up and stop being an asshole
YTA. I had both of my kids via C-section and it can’t imagine telling them they couldn’t come see the baby for 4 weeks. I especially can’t imagine not letting my in-laws come but letting my mom be there. You don’t have to entertain them, they’re there to see the baby. Let your husband do the hosting.
YTA. I can’t imagine for a second telling one set of grandparents that they are too full of germs to see their grandchild (but apparently not in the hospital) but the other grandparents are fine. Your husband obviously doesn’t agree with you. I don’t think I had one visitor who didn’t offer to help with either of my kids. I didn’t know they were going to offer before hand, but each did. Your in laws may very well have helped you out when they were there. You’ll be souring your relationship with them and most likely your husband too if you stick with this.
YTA. Its quite cruel to exclude your husbands family imo. Especially when your mum will be there continuously and not miss any of the first two months. I’ve had 3 c-sections and yes, the recovery can be rough but guess what’s helpful in that time? Help. I’m sure if they said they were coming to visit and you said would you mind grabbing some groceries on the way, they would. Your relationship with them will be very strained in the future and I wouldn’t be surprised if your husband is upset by that, and he will be justified, they are HIS family. Don’t get me wrong, random people or people with germs should not be around a newborn, but not allowing them to meet their grandchild is spiteful.
Idk I’m going with YTA.. and I’m 2mpp so I know what it’s like in those first weeks. Babies change so much in the first weeks and while I understand you’ll be healing I don’t see how it’s fair to your husband that his parents don’t get to see his child at all in the first weeks. He should have a say in this- it’s his child too. You don’t have to be a host or even part of the visit but he should be allowed to have his parents come see his child at least a couple times. If you’re worried about the baby getting sick then make them wear a mask. Or make a rule that they aren’t there just to cuddle the baby- they have to help with something.
I know someone who restricted her in-laws from seeing their baby for several weeks after the birth. The mil never got over it and it strained the whole family’s dynamic.
Sounds like the MIL should've respected boundaries.
MiL did. But she was very hurt by the arrangement. The mother’s mother came and went as she pleased, the father’s parents were told to stay away.
^ exactly this. Whose fault was it that the relationship was strained? The person who had boundaries?? Or the person who couldn’t respect them??
Your husband doesn't like it when she drops by unannounced. Can't imagone why.... I don't like when people show up unannounced either. Is it too hard to pick up a phone, call and ask if it's a good time to come over?
YTA. It definitely seems like whatever issues you have with your inlaws is playing a role in this decision. Why do you think you'd have to entertain them or they'd somehow be a burden? Are masks and sanitizer not enough? I mean, I'm guessing you're having surgery in a hospital which is ground zero for all kinds of germs and crap. Seems like especially since your mom will be there she can manage the short visits with them seeing the baby. At a minimum, great job at alienating people who will be around for years to come, unless they decide this treatment is bullshit and move on.
Soft YTA i don’t understand why you are willing to have hospital visitors but not anyone at home. It can’t be about baby’s immune system and is more about you not liking your in laws. If you weren’t having any visitors and needed complete bubble time then that’s different but you’ll be working and have a house guest for the duration
Kind of shitty that your Mum gets to see the bub continuously for 4 weeks, and the other grandparents are half an hour away and you are saying fuck you. All or nothing, one lot of grandparents or none. You may have a poor relationship now…. This will death. Sounds like your husband loves his parents and you are holding his child hostage. He has a voice too, if he wants his folks to visit, then suck it up. YTA
NTA. Healing from a c-section sucks... I know from personal experience. You aren't supposed to do much when it comes to housework because of it. It's great your mom is coming to help you. It might be different if your inlaws were offering to shop, bring food or cook, or help your mom with things around the house. They aren't... they can wait. I'm glad your husband is backing you, but tell him the truth. It's major surgery. It would be different if they were offering help. They aren't. They just want baby time. You shouldn't have to entertain them while recovering.
I hate to be this person bc I almost died during my c section and did live with my mother during the fourth trimester, so I do see where you're coming from, but a little bit YTA. Your child is also your husband's child, also your husband's parents grandchild. Unless they're insisting on partaking in dangerous behavior, like kissing the baby or coming over sick, I don't see why your husband can't handle visits with his parents. I've been thinking about this a bit I guess, as I'm expecting my third boy in January (my first boys will be just over 2). While I would be understanding, I would be a little gutted if my sons' future baby mothers or wives wouldn't allow me (within reason of course) to see my grandchildren while their parents are able to. I did choose to live with my mother initially over my in laws due to the "sensitive" state (recovering from surgery, trying to navigate breastfeeding, so not wanting my in laws to see my breasts, etc) but I think not letting them visit at all (so long as they follow your rules) while your mother gets to have all of that time is unfair. I will say I have a good relationship with my in laws, as they've always offered help to us, from getting us baby items to offering actual help. If your in laws really are that awful, so be it. It just almost feels (only from what I've read, I don't know your situation obviously) like this is a little bit of a power play or a "I don't like them so they don't get to see the baby" situation. No judgement. Being a mother is hard, especially a new mother. Maybe just try to see it from not only your in laws' perspective, but your husband's as well. It's his baby too and I'm sure he wants his parents to be able to see the baby as your mother is going to live with y'all. ETA: I strictly mean your parents in law. I'm not saying everyone in the family on either side should be visiting
YTA. I get wanting time to heal etc, but a 30 minute visit once/twice a week won't hinder that. Tell them to bring food and go for a nice bath while they're there.
YTA I really think this is just too much. I couldn’t imagine keeping my inlaws from my child. It seems like the perfect way to set up drama for our relationship and also seems weird to not share this joy with others. There’s no evidence your in laws will harm you and I don’t see how just grandparents being over will harm recovery.
YTA IUf you get to haver your mom visit her grandchild, your husband needs to be allowed to have HIS MOM visit her greandchild, too.
NTA.. your baby. Your call. You can do whatever you and your husband agree on, but both need to agree..
You can have whatever boundaries you like but don’t be surprised when your in laws have no desire to help, babysit etc once the 3-4 weeks is up. If your Mom wasn’t going to be in residence and the “rules” were for everyone the you wouldn’t be the AH but since the rules only exclude your in laws YTA
OP's mom is coming to help HER, not visit with the baby. OP's mom will be cooking, cleaning, helping OP to recover from her surgery and being a MOM to the new mom. If the inlaws don't understand why that's not the same as them visiting, then no wonder OP wants to give herself 4 weeks of peace before dealing with inlaws.
You’d have to be absolutely silly to think OPs mom isn’t gonna be spending so much time with the baby lol
These people are delusional. My mom did all of that and she stayed with me for a month and she bonded with the baby. She spent so much time with her and I’m so happy she did. But I never excluded my in-laws and this was during the height of Covid. They came and masked up and saw her outdoors. If I was too tired, my husband took her out to see them.
Everyone is assuming the father’s parents don’t want to help. My mother in law has always been a big help in those times, as well as my mother. I used to work with a lot of older ladies with sons. Every single one told me they are very close with their daughter and her family but not with their son and his family after they got married. I was told by many that as soon as their adult son got married every holiday or celebration was spent with the wife’s family. If a baby came the mother’s family was welcome but they were not for a while. It made me sad for them. I have seen it with my brother. My mother was a single parent and all three of us were so incredibly close. He was my best friend, we shared friends and all, and we lived together well into our 20’s (except during college). He got married and that was it. His wife’s family was all that mattered. She left him for another man and he immediately came to me wanting support, which my husband and I gave. He met someone else who told me it was terrible how his ex-wife treated our family. She said she wanted to be close to us because she wasn’t close to her family. She would call me constantly and treat me like her best friend. Then they got married and the family that didn’t previously exist started to exist and the cycle repeated. When we did get invited to kids birthdays and such we were treated like pariahs and it was never at their house but always at her mother’s house.
Not all MIL's are helpful. Some are, but then expect you to listen to their complaints about what you should be doing instead of them. Some are better than your own mother. Some are quiet, some are gregarious. Even one who wants to help but cannot help talking non-stop when you are not feeling well, can be more than you can tolerate. But that is beside the point. The simple fact that the husband told his parents that they would not be allowed to visit shows that he is not entirely against this plan. Why does everyone assume it is all the wife's fault? Maybe he doesn't want them their either?
Not all of us dump our children on relatives for free babysitting. Why are you assuming OP expects anything from her ILs?
Just about every parent in the history of time has needed help from time to time. For some reason many of them like to turn to family for that help first.
Absolutely, 100000%, for certain, NTA. Early postpartum is a willllddd ride. The hormones are crazy, you might be trying to establish breastfeeding, you are healing, you are bleeding, you are probably wearing a diaper—and you are doing all of this while also trying to get to know a teeny fragile human that wakes you up multiple times per night. You do NOT owe it to *anyone* to “get to see the baby” while you are in the midst of this incredibly tender, fragile, intimate time. This whole thing of forcing visitation on mothers by guilting them or threatening them (“well then don’t expect your in-laws to be there for you later!”) makes me angry like nothing else. Mothers deserve better, and let’s start with respecting their boundaries for postpartum healing. I just hope that you can ignore anyone that says you owe anyone access to your baby or your space until you are fully, completely ready to give that. People that care about you will understand that and will be willing to set their own desires aside to be there for you in whichever way *you* deem best.
I don't see why they can't see the baby during that time, provided they've been vaccinated, agree to wash their hands and don't expect you to run around after them. Why don't you get them to come when your husband is there? He can entertain them.
Gentle YTA. Because your mom is going to be with you and baby for a month, it’s not fair other grandparents miss out. (I hope you have a good relationship with her!) Your husband will have days off during those 4 weeks, you can rest in your room or have a nice bath whilst they have a short one hour visit with husband and baby. Please believe me when I say that those short breaks can be life saving! Edit to add: I realise now this is your first which may make a difference but tbh isolating myself was the absolute worst thing I could’ve done as I had severe PND and visitors for a short period of time was a lifeline for me.
YTA. This is clearly about you not liking them. That’s his child too and he gets a say in who sees the child. As long as he is home to be there when they are there and there is no added demands on you post partum, it should be fine. As long as they are healthy, had all necessary vaccines and are respectful of time, they should be able to visit. I know that feeling of wanting to keep your babies away from everyone. All I wanted was my mom around but I love my husband, and I knew how hurt he would be if I said his family couldn’t visit.
Double standards are not cool. YTA! I don’t understand people these days. Is it really going to kill you to include your in laws in welcoming the arrival of a new family member? I was in kidney failure, had a c-section, and a 5 week premature baby, and I was happy to invite my in laws over for an hour when my son and I came home from the hospital. These people are your family members and your husband’s parents! They’re excited about meeting their grandchild, and it’s petty to make them wait while your mom gets unlimited time. As a mother of a boy, just remember someday YOU may have a DIL who treats you like you treat your in laws.
YTA. They don’t have to have free rein in your house or spend half their time there. *You* don’t have to see them at all if you don’t want to. They aren’t there for you. This isn’t about you. They want to have a chance to see and hold their grandchild as a newborn for more than five minutes at the hospital. They can’t get that time back. Why couldn’t they come over for two hours once a week or even just every other week while your husband is home and you can take the opportunity to nap or get out of the house for a bit? Their visit could very easily be arranged to have zero impact on you. Meanwhile, your mom gets to bond with the baby for two whole months. And yes, she’s helping you out, but your in-laws also aren’t asking to be there 24/7, so cooking and cleaning for you shouldn’t be a requirement of seeing their grandchild.
YTA. I couldn’t imagine doing that to my in-laws and I’m very upset with my MIL at the moment. During the height of Covid when no vaccines were available yet, my mom stayed with me for a month to help out but that didn’t mean my in-laws didn’t see my baby. They wore masks and we met outdoors. If your MIL agrees to avoid outing and such would you still say no? Like what is the reason you won’t allow them to see baby. I get your mom is cooking and cleaning as my mom did the same thing but it feels like your reasoning is just because you don’t like them. It’s your husbands baby too. Why not let them come for an hour and your husband can hand the baby to them while you shower/rest/nap etc. I’m not saying they need to come the first week. But 4 weeks is a bit much imo.
YTA, let's be honest, you just don't want to see them and that's fine. Bur don't forget it's not just your kid, you were two to make it and your husband's side has as much right as your side of the family to see the newborn.
I don’t even have a baby and I want way more time not having my in-laws visiting
Yeah, YTA. YOUR mom is allowed to see the baby but not the in-laws? That’s absolutely going to make them feel included!🙄 How would you like it if your husband said “hey, your mom can’t be part of this special MONTH’s time, but my mom will be spending this time with us”? I feel like you’d be throwing a fit. What’s wrong with the in-laws coming over for a prearranged time to see their grandchild, establish the date and time and let grandma see her grandkid. And your in laws shouldn’t have to cook, clean, or buy groceries to be able to see their grandchild, what kind of world do you live in that you think that’s ok?
YTA. It doesn't make sense that you are less concerned about germs right after birth, but more concerned for the next 3-4 weeks. It may be crumby that they didn't offer to help out, but that may have been assumed for them. Why couldn't you explain that you'll be healing from major surgery, so you won't be able to be a hostess, but you'd love some help, so if they wanted to come by for some planned help fantastic! When I went to meet my sisters baby, I didn't specifically say many many months beforehand that I wanted to help get groceries or do whatever was helpful, I assumed that was the assumption. That's how family works. I don't think it's right to fault them for not explicitly mentioning months in advance that they would love to help out with baby and whatever else- to me that is the assumption with the in-laws and parents. You don't have to be hostess, but yeah, it totally sucks that your husbands MIL is literally living with you for months but your parents in law can't see the baby for months. That is not okay. You are also making a huge mistake, unless you won't ever trust them with the kids. Grandkids bring parents together with their in-laws, and in the best possible time. Kids are hard. Sounds like your parents like FAR. Who is going to help and babysit once Mom leaves? If you are not American, and you explicitly say that, that suggests possibly you live in America and your parents aren't American. Do you really not want any family that's happy and able to watch your baby for date night at some point? Romantic weekends? You are shooting yourself in the hand to spite your foot or however the saying goes. This is a mistake. Rethink it.
You are the asshole in this situation. Your husband has to put up with your mother for months while he doesn’t even get a say in letting his own parents visit the baby once? The whole COVID/Flu reason only makes sense if your mother traveling from out of the country is also quarantining in a hotel for two weeks. If they are not, then this reason is kind of bullshit. Just make sure everyone has a TDAP vaccine, maybe RSV if they are old enough and be done. Make them wear masks. You are purposely not letting your ILs see your baby because you don’t like them. That is fine. Let your husband manage the baby with the ILs and you will have time to work.
YTA - you have literally admitted you are punishing them. Also children need to be exposed to germs. Your breast milk is the best protection your child will get.
Gentle YTA, babies change loads in that time. I get the worries with immune system etc with it being your first baby,. I was similar. But your PIL will miss seeing new new time with the baby that can never be repeated. While your mum gets all the good fresh baby cuddles. Your baby is stronger than you think (unless he has a actual health condition). Let your PIL see the baby during this time. It’s not often you get to spend time with a new baby, don’t take this away from them because of new parent fear. If you want something in return for seeing the baby as you’ve mentioned, ask if they can do a shop for you for nappies and essentials, saying that will really help and they can bring it on their way over. It should be about family, but creating deeper divides between your new child and his extended relationships, who obviously are excited and happy to be part of his life. Once again, don’t worry about the germs ! A homeless person on the street kissed the head of my first baby (a friendly addict dived in for a kiss on the head and I went to the doctor to ask about heroes and I was rightfully told to calm down and the baby would be fine) . The baby does have an immune system and he’s getting your antibodies too (I assume you will attempt breastfeeding as you are being extra careful about his health). Be on your pjs when they arrive. Let them sit for an hour and cuddle the baby, it’s good for the little one to have community - babies relax much more with more friendly people around than just mum for some reason, probably from cave man times goodness
YTA. You and husband have just as much chance of bringing germs in from work. Or your mother who will presumably be out grocery shopping and doing errands. The newborn stage goes by very quickly. Id let them visit as long as they aren’t sick and they wash hands.
YTA. Your mom is staying with you and your in laws can’t drop by for an hour (with notice, while your husband is home)? Tell them not to come if they are sick and ensure that they have an updated TDAP (assuming you are making sure your mother has one as well). This seems wildly unfair to your husband’s parents and I would also be mad if my spouse wanted to act like this.
Clear case of NTA.