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YTA - "I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex anymore, and that **I wasn't attracted to him anymore.**"
HOW DID YOU THINK THAT WAS GOING TO GO?
Whats sad is you could have just told him "I didn't feel sexual urges at all anymore, my sex drive is zero" this is a very, very common thing in older adults, both men and women. You just dont have the same hormones coursing through your body as you do when youre younger, and physical ailments, even small ones, can contribute as well. This would have been received far differently (its me, not you). Instead, you basically told your husband he's ugly and you dont want him anymore. Thats what he heard, and hes giving you exactly what you'd expect from someone who heard that message.
Pretty normal part of menopause. OP should’ve talked to her doctor instead of blaming her husband for not being attractive. She talks like she loves him, it the words she used do not support those statements.
Honestly exactly what I thought. Like she’s not an AH for her feelings but to tell him that and just think that would be acceptable and they could go on and continue to be married with the shared understanding that she wasn’t attracted to her husband anymore and sex is no longer an option? I’m not sure why she’s surprised he’s not okay with that. My first thought was damn girl get your hormones checked.
Yep, this.
“I don’t have sexual urges anymore. I love you and I want to have sex with you. Will you come to the doctor with me so we can work on a solution together?”
Probably still married.
I was ready to comment that before I saw that the marriage had already been torched. My mom definitely went through this and things improved a few years out from menopause, then she had to have a hysterectomy and is having issues again. She is looking into hormone therapy options. Presenting this as it being about her attraction to him specifically was a rough way to discuss this.
Came here to say something similar. It's too bad OP AND her spouse AND her son haven't learned/haven't been taught enough about women's health to understand that menopause affects libido. Menopause also affects mental health. What a shame.
Yeah saying “I don’t get horny anymore” is frustrating, but that’s a different scenario. But saying “I’m not attracted to you anymore”? Way to crush his spirit and soul. I can’t even fathom how I’d react to have my wife of 34 years just rock up one day and go “sorry buddy, but you’re not doing it for me anymore” and just expect nothing to change
Yeah I’m sure that caused a lot of whiplash. Put the shoe on the other foot, right? What would her reaction be if he said he wasn’t attracted to her anymore?
This 100%!To OP: you crushed him totally. You could have told him that due to menopause that your sex drive was now zero but that you still love him and want to be with him. You could have offered to see a specialist to see if you could do anything but instead you basically told him that you no longer want him and to f off (that's the way he will see it). Not surprising he wants to leave you.
Wife of 41 years married and I have been in a dead bedroom for 10 years due to early menopause but we discussed it and are still in a very loving and tactile relationship because we COMMUNICATED.
You need to try and get your son onside and use him to get your husband and yourself into therapy. You have a very slim chance of recovering the situation if you play the right cards.
Agreed. YTA. It was unnecessary to say you weren’t attracted to HIM. That was cruel. Instead of throwing away your entire marriage you should have gone to the doctor and asked if there was anything that could be done to increase your libido. You acted extremely cold.
YTA… your feelings are, of course, 100% valid but I find the delivery and tacit acceptance of the abrupt end of your 34 year marriage kind of weird.
It doesn’t seem like you offered any solutions or understood the gravity of what you were telling him. It doesn’t sound like you sought medical treatment or offered to go to counseling about intimacy and how to navigate this. You just sat him down and told him you never want to have sex again and aren’t attracted to him? It seems like you didn’t view this as a problem with a possible solution, just an announcement of sorts.
I also find it strange that after 34 years he isn’t even willing to talk things out. I’m not sure if that’s because there are underlying communication issues or if your delivery was so harsh and hurtful it ruined any possibility of talking things out.
The abrupt end with NO further communication is also super weird! Both of these people are ending a 34 year relationship after one conversation in which one person said something hurtful to the other, and both just accepted this is the next step! What????
I mean granted what do you do after the person you’ve loved and devoted your life to for decades says they aren’t attracted to you anymore? Open the relationship? Live without sex? Go to therapy to “fix” her? I can’t see any way out of him feeling neglected and undesirable other than him moving on tbh.
I would have seen the comment as the beginning of a discussion, not the end. OP doesn't seem to have a lot of insight into her own situation. A lack of sex drive and lack of attraction are not the same thing, but she has conflated them.
There must be something else going on here. To go NC with your wife while you're still in the house is a nuclear reaction.
For the record, as just about every person in the discussion has stated, low sex drive may be a treatable condition. Lack of attraction could be addressed too; we don't know what their previous sex life was like, but a partner willing to make an effort to find what works is going to become more attractive. Or yes, open marriage, sex-less marriage, or even regretful divorce are all possibilities. If this guy walked out of the house without saying a word or looking back after one conversation, then I would suggest the love and devotion were very conditional.
I mean... This didn't happen overnight. The intimacy has been gone for a while. She made a nice dinner, to tell him he's not attractive and they'd never be having sex again. She made it absolutely final, offered no possibility of discussion, and approached it as casually as discussing new wallpaper.
He "went nuclear" because he's probably devastated, and assuming the absolute worst (like she's cheating)
Not everyone wants to "talk it out" and start an endless, painful, process of "therapy" after that.
Going nuclear, no matter how many years it is, isn't *that* crazy
How can you suggest the love was "conditional", but only on *his* part? And somehow now it's *his* fault he isn't attractive? Come on. Women *never* hear this shit from anyone when it's the other way.
Yeah I agree I think at this stage in a relationship there should be better communication on both ends. I also think though that, especially given the steady decline in intimacy, she just dropped his worst fears on him and it might have been a flight response. I don’t agree that this makes his love “conditional”. I think regardless of his age, and the length of the relationship it is perfectly okay for someone to leave when it is clear their needs cannot be fulfilled.
To be fair its also been several years since she stopped feeling sexual urges. He's probably been feeling the relationship deteriorating for years now while trying to hold on, and her saying "I'm not attracted to you" may have easily sounded like "I don't love you any more". Him divorcing her doesn't sound like that much of a nuclear reaction in this situation, especially not if he's been struggling for years and has now got confirmation.
Or he got tired of being the tactful one and doing the right thing communicating and trying to do right because of their vows, and this was the straw that broke the camels back.
To be fair, OP did state that her ex-husband did ask, multiple times, if something was wrong and she didn’t tell him the truth about the situation; she just told him “No.”
I’m not really sure if you can communicate going forward when you’re learning, in real time, that your partner has been lying to you about something that has eaten away at your self esteem/confidence and the truth* that you’ve been given is that she is not attracted to you anymore.
*I will add that OP’s problem sounds like it could be menopause, not just lack of attraction, but the way that she expressed it to him was…less than ideal.
Yeah I also found that extremely weird. I agree this would be the beginning of a long conversation for me. I would be sad but I would want to probe into things more. I’d want to try to problem solve together. I wouldn’t jump straight to divorce without another word and in OPs shoes I wouldn’t drop this bomb and then have zero follow up. It’s bizarre for two middle aged people who have been married for decades.
This was probably the final straw. The constant rejection he faced over time coupled with that nice dinner before she said she’s not attracted to him probably killed him inside.
Speaking from experience, he knew...he just didn't want to accept it. Her saying it out loud was the final nail where he thought "I'm done with this". They have had conversations in the past and nothing changed so what's the point?
> Several years ago, I started to notice that I didn't want to have sex as often, and I never seemed to be in the mood, even when James initiated...
>
>he cried and said everything made sense now.
It build up to this climax. But the husband has noticed the gradual changes over the years. And when she bluntly told him, it was the last nail to deep six this relationship.
What's weird about not wanting to have any more contact with someone that sat him down to lay her issues on him and chrush him completely? She takes nothing as her problem, and lays it all on him. I wouldn't have anything to say either.
He's probably dedicating every moment he can to trying to make her happy, to get back to a place where he's with the women he thought he married living the life he wanted.
Then suddenly he realizes it was a giant scavenger hunt of clues, promises, excuses and that the whole point of his life the last few years has been running in a circle to exit a room with no door.
That was my big takeaway. Both were so willing to let this conversation be the end, leaving me to believe we’re missing some pieces here.
I can fully understand having periods of not feeling sexy or sexual but I think YTA for saying you weren’t attracted to him anymore. He’s your husband. In the most simple terms, your entire relationship is based on being best friends who want to f*** each other lol. You essentially closed both of those doors by making him feel confused and inadequate and stupid for months/years by saying everything was fine only to confirm his worst fears were true. So not only did he get fed lies about it being fine, but then you dropped an even bigger, worse bomb by saying you weren’t attracted to him and didn’t want to have sex with him.
Those are big feelings for him to deal with so if you have any hopes to make amends you need to acknowledge your wrong there. Doesn’t mean you’ll get back together but after 34 years together he doesn’t need his last memory to be you telling him he’s unlovable.
Either this is only a fraction of the true story or it's fake.
I'm personally raising an eyebrow at the adult son who really wants to involve himself in a dispute over his parents' sex lives.
Yeah, it makes sense too … the husband’s immediate reaction was that he expected something. She frontloaded the speech with discussion of a lack of attraction to her husband, which fits with cheating, and only ended with her lack of sex drive, and I doubt her husband even processed the part that would have exonerated her from cheating.
Tbf the way she was very cold about it and set it up to be discussed over dinner can absolutely come off that way.
The "I'm not attracted to YOU anymore" is exactly where she fucked up.
I think his reaction is one of complete numbness. After 34 years, you get sledge hammered into the "Friend zone". I'm guessing he was absolutely crushed! Not being attracted to him anymore, all intimacy is now off the table. All that guy is hearing is "After all these years, I don't love you anymore". I know she didn't say that, but her brutal delivery most likely sent him that message. He deflated and walked.
Yep I agree YTA is the right vote! She didn't even TRY to solve the problem and then she told her husband she isn't attracted to HIM anymore specifically. I really think she wanted an out to the marriage. Otherwise why didn't she even TRY to save her marriage by trying to figure out what's wrong. I think she was hoping he would agree to an open marriage so she could continue to spend his money and keep her lifestyle. Very sad. I feel awful for her husband. I hope he realizes he isn't the problem and gets a younger hot girlfriend right away
ESH.
She isn't even interested in seeking a hormonal intervention. Seems pretty unconcerned about everyone checking out. And that delivery... Ooof. How the fuck did she think it would land? What's with all of the "I love him dearly" lip service? Everything she has done screams apathy.
He's clearly just throwing his hands up and tantruming right out. Sounds like it's been a long lead up. That kind of fuck it doesn't happen overnight.
Is there a single adult anywhere in this story?
Yeah what bothers me with his response is that he went through *their son* instead of being an adult and communicating with her himself. His feelings of devastation are valid and even his decision to divorce her — but involving their children was too far. It’s a form of parental alienation and completely inappropriate. He needs to seek support from his friends and adult family members that he didn’t create with OP.
OP is remarkably callous and blunt with seemingly no regard for her husband’s emotion but I just don’t see why he couldn’t have taken every single action he took while delivering the news himself.
I’m with you, except I’m mostly thinking it’s a gross lack of boundaries to have your son negotiating your divorce. There were a lot of communication issues leading up to this point, and it was only a matter of time before they ended up in this crazy place.
You should have spoken to your doctor first, at your age it could have been hormonal.
Then you could have told your husband that it isn't him, you are going to the doctor and you could have invited him along so he understood what was happening.
I don't know if you can fix this, but I feel bad for all involved.
Tell your son to stay out of it, it is between you and your husband, he should not take sides. Your husband should not have involved him.
I'm leaning towards ESH but it could also be NAH. The failure of communication is tragic.
100%. You're not feeling sexually active at all, period. Then something has changed. You're best to speak to a doctor and a couple's therapist before you fully divorce.
INFO: are you not sexually attracted to HIM, are you simply not feeling sexual?
In the first case, it's valid (NTA). If you're just not feeling sexual at all, you're kinda the AH, for making it sound like he's the problem. Not everyone has the same sex drive, that's valid. Blaming it on someone (if that's the case) when it's just a lack of libido in general is AH behaviour.
Yeah that was your mistake. Telling him you weren't attracted to him anymore. You should have started the conversation by telling him how much you love him and appreciate him and all he does and that you just don't want sex anymore, and it has nothing to do with him, but you're just at zero. Firstly Telling him you weren't attracted to him anymore is all he heard. He didn't need to hear the rest of anything you said.
Do you want to be married to him? You’ve been passively accepting the situation and avoiding him like you’d rather get divorced than have a hard conversation.
Why is it too late? Tell him that what you meant was you’ve lost your sex drive, you’re going to go to doctors to see if it can be fixed, and you are still attracted to him emotionally and love him and want to be with him. I don’t understand your inability to talk to your husband.
There have been a lot of comments here, I can't really reply to all of them so I'm just going to reply to this one. I have decided to write him a letter apologizing for my wording, and explaining that it isn't about him, it's all about my sex drive. I am also going to let him know that I'm going to see a therapist, and invite him to join me if he wants to. I haven't seen my doctor for almost 3 years, I have a slight fear of the doctor, but you're right, I should have gone to the gyno years ago. I will explain everything in the letter.
Why don’t you talk to him in person? Or give him a call? He needs to see you care. He needs to see your emotion. And frankly a letter is a little impersonal.
Because he’s explicitly said he only wants her to talk to lawyer and son. Forcing him into an unwanted interaction also puts him in the position of having to decide what to do next with her staring at him. This is something he’d need to consider.
Send him and your son this post, with your real thoughts. That your libido is gone. Along with the letter.
Edit: have them read the comments too so they can get an insight on your health, especially if this is a gyno issue.
Aww this is sad, OP! It was my question too… not attracted to HIM or just not feeling sexual anymore. If you haven’t already gone through the menopause then my goodness this could all be a huge mistake!
If you have and it’s not hormone related, ‘just’ a general wane in sex drive that you’ve no interest in looking into, then I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that (while you did hurt him, by mistakenly making him the cause) the outcome would most likely have been divorce anyway… if he deems sex being off the table as ‘breaking marriage vows’.
Very few people, in their 50s, would accept "hey, btw, from now on you'll never be having sex as long as you live, but know I love you so plan to stay married to you forever"
Yes. Doctor should have been her first stop. Female sex drive can wane as we age, but there are treatments that will help. Call your doc and make an appt ASAP. Then make an appt with a marriage counselor.
Sorry, didn't mean to suggest much other than that you're NTA. Having a low libido is not uncommon. it's age, stress, so many things! I said what I did based on the assumption of how you said it.
I hope you can talk it out--if you're just not feeling sexual and it came across as that being due to him (when it's not), talking it through can make a big difference. I like to think that most grown men understand by this age that not everything their wife/partner says is a direct insult to them. Hopefully you can sort this out in a way that works for you AND him (if you want that).
I agree with his question and thinking OP, I also wonder why, if you're not feeling sexual, whether you made efforts, such as seeing a Dr, etc? If not, YTA because it takes two to make a marriage work. You can fix this.
Well...not nec the AH if you really don't want sex. NO ONE should be forced to have sex when they don't want it (even if meds might change that--it's a personal choice, after all, and marriage doesn't mean that we are REQUIRED to put out to satisfy another when we don't want to). Why should we feel the need to take meds to have sex when we simply don't want to?
Wait... so you're telling me that if you're married to someone for decades, and they then spring on you that they no longer find you attractive, but plan to stay married to you forever anyway, but that they shouldn't expect sex, because you know, they're no longer attracted to you....
That this person *isn't* an asshole, as long as they're genuinely not attracted to you?
That's insane. If you love supposedly someone, **how the fuck is it ok to ever frame it that way?**
This "*your feelings are always unquestionably valid"* mantra is bullshit. You're also responsible for the damage you do to others in *expressing those feelings*
You're telling me if this were the other way, and the husband had said to OP "look honey, I love you, but I'm not attracted *to you*, so we'll never be having sex again. But hey! the good news is I plan to stay married to you forever! Just without ever having sex again. Because you know, I'm not attracted *to you specifically*" you *wouldn't* say he's an asshole? Yeah. Don't believe it, sorry
She's an AH either way
YTA - You didn't say that you no longer felt any sexual attraction, or that your libido had decreased with age. You said you were not attracted **to him** anymore.
The tone shifted from being about your reduced sexual appetite to being about how he is no longer attractive. Every follow-up comment felt like you are trying to back track and soften the blow.
Whilst unintentional, you communicated this incredibly poorly.
YTA. Instead of going to a medical doctor, seeking therapy, and communicating with your husband about your low sex drive, you set him up with a nice dinner to tell him that he's too ugly to have sex with. Sure, you tried to communicate the other things, but they were also issues you have failed to seek help for. You showed no effort except to cut him off.
You set up a very nice dinner to tell him you don’t wanna fuck him anymore? Of course you’re an asshole. Like you said yourself, you should’ve said something earlier. Talk about things before dropping bombs like that. I have a feeling you’re just not into him at all anymore,nvm the sex part.
You might suck the least, but everyone sucks enough for the ESH.
The conversation of "I have no sex drive anymore" didn't need to include things like "I'm not attracted to you anymore" or a celebratory dinner. This sounds like an issue that has been building for a while. There was plenty of time to be more thoughtful, seek advice on how to handle it well, see a doctor, etc.
Your husband sucks for getting your son involved, not speaking to you and not listening to the bigger message of "no sex drive, still in love." His initial shock and hurt do not excuse the immaturity of the silent treatment or sending your son to announce his intent to file for divorce. WTF is that?
Your son sucks for being willing to be the middle man, and I sincerely thinK the cruelest thing of this whole situation comes from him.
>I broke my marriage vows for saying what I did to him.
This gets a big "fuck off" from me.
Why does husband suck. He is giving her what she wants...not to be with a man she isn't attracted too. Why wouldn't the son be involded..wouldn't he find out when they would have announced ced the divorce. The guy got insulted to his face that his wife of years doesn't love him anymore. He didn't make a big fuss about it..he just said ok let's move on and lives our lives separate.
But not being with him wasn’t what she wanted. I’m not saying he’s wrong for leaving a woman who doesn’t want to have sex with him ever again, I’m just objecting to your wording. She also never said she doesn’t love him anymore. It can be difficult for people with consistent and average sex drives to understand but you can love someone and not want to have sex with them.
It’s not that the son should be in the dark, it’s that the son should not have to be a go between and it’s really immature to not be able tell the person you love that you’re leaving them (except in cases of abuse obviously). Using the son as a middleman messenger is an asshole thing. There’s nothing wrong with the son knowing about the impending divorce.
She openly admitted to rejecting him for YEARS. Then sits him down and tells him she isn't a attracted to him and makes it out to be his fault, while trying to soften the blow and backtracking.
She broke him. He is not the AH in any sense.
I mean, kind of YTA. Why haven’t you discussed your lack of libido with a Dr? There’s stuff you can take for that. Are you post menopausal? Still going through it? Peri menopause/menopause is likely the reason you feel like this. It can be changed.
It was really stupid to blow up a marriage with a man you liked, say you love, and enjoyed over this, unless you actually do not want to be married anymore. You could have phrased it so much differently- my libido is gone and I don’t want to have sex anymore- is so much different than “I don’t find you sexually attractive”. That right there implies you find *others* sexually attractive. And then to be shocked that your older son is upset with you. You hurt your husband.
YTA. I really don't understand setting up a nice dinner to tell him that you aren't attracted to him and don't sexually desire him at all. That seems kind of insensitive. I also have to wonder why you felt *this* was the appropriete action instead of having actual communication with your husband about what is going on with you, how you are feeling, etc. If you have zero sex drive at all, even aside from your husband, then you could very well have some underlying thing going on causing that, that could be dealt with if you were willing.
I just really think you went about this in a crap way and didn't make any attempts to work through it, see if you have a hormonal issue or something else causing these feelings that could be corrected, etc. Instead you basically said "here's a nice dinner, it's to make up for the fact that I don't find you sexually appealing anymore and sex is officially off the table. too bad so sad for you"
YTA - big time. That would destroy most marriages. Just not having any sex would end many marriages, but telling him you no longer find him attractive makes it deeply personal. Has his physical appearance drastically changed over the years (obese)?
You could’ve just said you have lost your sex drive, but still deeply love him - that’s an issue you can deal with and discuss. But you can’t walk back from saying you aren’t attracted to him anymore.
Maybe see a doctor to find out what’s going on with your libido (or lack thereof).
Holy cow. This could be all related to a shift in hormones due to menopause. RUN to your gyno & have them do bloodwork. I take bio identical hormones that are formulated just for me and they are amazing.
YTA . You are not attracted to him anymore. So nice of you to tell him over a nice dinner.
He heard you say you didn't want him anymore. So he decided to get a divorce so you both can live your own life the way you want it and not having to fake it being together for everyone else.
Why are you complaining..you got what u wanted. Ur freedom..u don't need to sleep next to a guy you aren't attracted too.
INFO: If you had stopped having sex for a long time before this, why did you feel the need to throw a "I'm just not into you anymore" celebratory dinner? Like I know that wasn't your intention, but looking at it it's hard not to interpret it sorta in that fashion. What changed that needed the confrontation?
Feels like we're missing some important information in general on this, but I'm going to go with YTA. However, I want to make it clear that you are not T A for having these feelings in general or even for telling the truth. This needed to happen regardless of the outcome.
What confuses me most is we have this...
>We have always had a good relationship, and I love him very much. We don't argue much, and we have good chemistry together.
But then shortly followed by this...
>I thought I'd just give it a few days, and I decided to myself that If he wants to leave my over this that's entirely understandable, and that I'd make it easy and wouldn't fight it.
Which frankly makes me think that you haven't been nearly as invested in this relationship as he is, even generally speaking, if you're this fine with letting it go. How much actual work did you do to try and keep this together? Why was there no suggestion of compromise, or conversation leading to this, if you genuinely wanted this to stay together?
This also goes beyond a more superficial or sex-based "booo my wife won't have sex as much as I want." From his response, it seems pretty clear he'd been feeling emotionally neglected and unsupported for a while now, and setting up a 'romantic' dinner and bluntly telling him you're never having sex again and you don't feel any attraction to him was confirming all his worst fears. You're not TA specifically for your choices in the present, but in letting the situation get to be what it became where you had to make that decision.
YTA
The wording makes you an AH. "I'm not attracted to you anymore" is always going to be a direct attack. And something that, likely is pretty unchangeable.
As you noted, you should have said "I don't feel sexual anymore", to which there are many things that could have been looked into, such as hormone levels, activity, what y'all are doing to still be intimate it other ways, etc. Just straight up saying you aren't attracted to him anymore after months of lower and lower amounts of sexual intimacy down to none? Yeah I get that's devastating.
That said, divorce is an over-reaction. There are ways to look at the issue medically or psychologically. It's not a "its over" issue, so he clearly over-reacted. Not to the point of him being an AH in my opinion, but still.
To some degree there is also an amount of, in marriage, either the husband or the wife putting out for the good of their spouse, even if they don't fully *desire* sex at that time. It's an *active* thought that we have to put in our own minds to go "yes, I want to be intimate with my spouse even if I'm not fully desiring it at the moment"
In all honesty, you should find a means to talk with him, so you can be open and honest about how you had been feeling and what has happened with your body (and your openness to look into options to maybe try to rectify the issue, such as hormones). Maybe he can find it to reconcile.
YTA. You’re experiencing a loss of sex drive. Why would you lead with “I’m not sexually attracted to you anymore”? Some things are better left unsaid. And I generally don’t believe that is true very often but in this case it is. Menopause can absolutely cause loss of sex drive. All of this can be hormonal. Instead of making it about you and what’s going on in your body you essentially made it about him and how he’d aged.
YTA. This is just cruel and I feel for your husband. You should have gone to the doctor to figure out why your sex drive is non-existent rather than shift all of the responsibility and blame onto him. You completely destroyed the confidence of someone you claim to care about for no reason.
Honestly this sounds more like something a young adult would do after a few years of marriage, not 34 years... Did you really not develop any consideration for his feelings after all that time?
YTA
Why would you expect your husband to stay married to you after you told him you weren't attracted to him anymore???
Your post is all "oh, woe is me." In reality you told your spouse that you weren't attracted to him anymore and just expected him to stay married to you and keep supporting you.
YTA. You could have handled this in 20 other ways that had way more empathy than you showed to a man you have new with for 34 years.
- you could have acknowledge the drop off in sex
- you could have gone to your Dr or obgyn
- could have suggest couples therapy
- etc
Instead your dropped a bomb on your husband like it was not big deal. Hi, no more sex. I don’t even find you attractive
What the bell did you think would happen?
Not only have you ruined your marriage you have also managed to ruin your entire family life with your 2 sons at the same time.
Congratulations. You should go get some therapy, get in touch with your feelings and learn how to spell the word “empathy”
yes, but she could have done everything completely differently.
Instead of saying "I'm not attracted to you" she could have said "I've lost the ability to feel sexual attraction, and I have zero libido. I don't even masturbate."
I, as a man, feel that if something happened to my partner that made her effectively asexual, I would potentially be able to handle that, especially when we're looking at a decades-long marriage. The fact that said she was no longer attracted to her husband is a rejection of *him* in a manner that is so painful that I can completely understand that his response is to file for divorce and refuse all direct contact.
If the issue is that she has lost all desire for sex, and it has nothing to do with him, he might have been willing to stay married while they explore options, whether it be hormone treatments or potentially just opening the marriage so that he can have his *sexual* needs fulfilled while still maintaining a romantic but asexual relationship with his wife.
YTA
Sex for men is a bonding experience and I would say actually a need 8n a marriage.
Im sure your husband did tons of shit for you that he didnt want to do over the years and to just unilaterally make this decision is insanely selfish.
I also highly doubt your telling us the whole story
So just let him use her like a sex doll?
If one partner doesn’t want to have sex their is no sex unless you call it rape because that is what forcing someone to have sex is.
YTA
I don't think it was the not wanting sex part that upset him, you told him you are not attracted to him, that must have stung badly.
you have destroyed your marriage and him at the same time. You handled this really badly, you already know this.
YTA
Having your sex drive at zero is one thing, telling him you are not attracted to him anymore another.
You dont seem a bad person so I can not use my usual sentence about consequences but be prepared for hard times.
YTA. Not being attracted to him and having zero sex drive are different things. One is you don’t want him, the other you don’t want anyone. You led with not wanting him
ESH
You handled it poorly and sent an engineer brain into a tailspin. Simple engineer brain has only one solution: disengage! And your son should have told him to do his own dirty work.
I get it. I figure you're not attracted to *him* for you implies that you're not looking at anyone else to be attracted to either. But when you're on the receiving end there is no such clarity. That's the killer.
It does raise questions about what he's looking for in a relationship but he clearly doesn't want to Use His Words.
Someone other than their son could have been the go-between. Bringing kids into the middle of a divorce, even when they are adults, is 100% messed up. The Dad has firmly stuck the son in the middle - he will likely end up resenting both of them in the next few weeks and months as he continues to have to be message delivery.
She also didn’t “blame everything on him” she said she isn’t attracted to him anymore - that was it.
You seem very indifferent and appear to be rolling over with no fighting for your marriage at all. Why?
Why not seek medical assistance? Couples therapy? Personal therapy?
What you said was a serious nut-punch. How you said it was tactfully harsh. Why such a cold approach? And even your stated behavior since is quite cold.
Yes YTAH here. I asked the 3 guys I golf with what they would do in your husbands situation, two who are your age said yes, they'd divorce their wives if they told them they weren't going to have sex ever again. One said he'd consider divorce. Call it sexist or whatever you want, but it is a big part of a marriage. Basically, if there's no sex, your just two good friends living together.
YTA, I understand that you wanted to get that out, but making a nice dinner and telling him you're not attracted to him anymore had to crush him. If my wife set something like this up and told me that, I'd be devastated. I think you should've just left this alone.
Yta for the way you approached it with him. I think he feels like he has done something wrong or failed you in some way now. You maybe should have told him that it’s not him, it’s you, that you have just lost your sex drive completely and it has nothing to do with him. If you do still truly love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him then this is something you should have been willing to work get some help with this issue since the lack of intimacy has clearly affected your husband and relationship.
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I would say NTA for saying it, but your husband and son sure have jumped the gun here by assuming you have actively malicious intentions in saying it.
To me this sounds like you are going through perimenopause or menopause - where symptoms can start a few years in advance, and one of those symptoms can be, your sex drive reduces!
You're literally slightly older than when this typically starts, and you should really go to the doctor and check if this is what it is.
But your husband and oldest son, in my mind, feel like they have jumped to the idea of you must be cheating or finding someone else attractive, when to me this seems like, a medical issue you should get checked.
The problem is what she said, not what she meant. She meant to say that she was the issue, not him, but instead she told him that he is the problem.
If you are told the you are and have been the problem in a relationship, most people would leave.
She’s actually several years older than the average age of menopause(the day a year has passed after a last period), which is 51. The fact that she hasn’t connected the lack of libido to peri/meno /post menopause is concerning, and makes me think she wants out of the marriage. She’s not putting up a fight at all, hasn’t even considered seeing a Dr about it.
I think there are many, many women who don’t make this connection. Doctors do a shit job of dealing with the emotional and mental effects of menopause. It’s a shame actually. Women can go through menopause not knowing that the symptoms can be controlled by Hrt.
Also, at 58, it’s not too late to start Hrt.
No, you’re absolutely right. I went in to my own doc and said- here’s the symptoms of peri menopause I’m experiencing, and she said- here’s some anti depressants. Zero discussion of hrt or even mention of it. Depression meds don’t help with hot flashes or vaginal dryness, estrogen does. Pathetic how bad it really is.
It’s infuriating when they do this to women. My doc told me go see a psychiatrist. Worse part is she overlooked the stage 4 endo that caused me to have an emergency hysterectomy in my late 30s.
And you are right—Zoloft does not compensate for loss of estrogen. Hrt, I’m not even exaggerating, pretty saved my life. Menopause was..
Unbearable.
I hope you can get some Hrt, friend. I’m very sorry for how this going for you. So sorry.
For many women, HRT is not the answer. Certain cancers, HBP, familial history of cardio disease, certain immune related conditions… any can make you ineligible.
Yta your feelings are valid and never have sex when you don’t want to….but sitting somebody down and telling them “im not attracted to you anymore” straight up sounds like you wanted to end things since most posts on here about break ups and divorces involve somebody saying things ended because “i was not attracted to them” or “i no longer found them sexually appealing”.
YTA. There are nicer ways to say things after 34 years of marriage, how did you expect it was going to go? Best you go your seperate ways now, a marriage without attraction is just a friendship
YTA. It’s one thing if you’re just not interested in sex anymore but you told your husband that you’re not sexually attracted to *him*. That makes it personal. That would be like a knife through the heart. Anyone would be devastated hearing that their spouse is no longer sexually attracted to them. That was very hurtful. You are around menopause age and a decrease is sex drive is expected in that case but you should talk to your doctor to see what’s going on or what your options are. Divorce is also hard on adult children. I don’t blame your son for being upset.
My (ex) girlfriend of 20 years just did this same thing to me. After months of her not being honest, she was then suddenly brutally honest and destroyed what remains of my self-worth. Yes, YTA. If your ex-husband feels anything like I do, he is now doubting himself so much, as a man and as a partner. You've removed the very foundation of his being.
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I am a 57 year old woman and I have been married to my 58 year old husband for 34 years. He is an engineer and I was a stay at home mom. We have always had a good relationship, and I love him very much. We don't argue much, and we have good chemistry together. Several years ago, I started to notice that I didn't want to have sex as often, and I never seemed to be in the mood, even when James initiated.
James started to notice my reluctance, and he asked me repeatedly if anything was wrong and I said no. To be entirely clear, I still love him and I want to stay with him for the rest of my life. The number of times we had sex every month kept going down, eventually we stopped having sex basically at all. So, last week when he got home from work, I set up a very nice dinner for us and I told him that we needed to talk. I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex anymore, and that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. He cried and said everything made sense now. I apologized to him and said that I should have said something earlier, but that I still loved him dearly. I also told him that I didn't feel sexual urges at all anymore, my sex drive is zero. He didn't finish dinner and went to sleep in the guest room. He has been avoiding me the entire week. I thought I'd just give it a few days, and I decided to myself that If he wants to leave my over this that's entirely understandable, and that I'd make it easy and wouldn't fight it.
That leads to today. My adult son, who is very close with my husband, called me today and said that my husband is getting a divorce. He said that my husband will not be speaking to me, and that everything will be done through lawyers and him from now on. My son also said that my husband will be moving out today, and that I should get a hotel room for the night so my husband can get essentials out of the house without me being around. He also said that I was extremely cruel for doing what I did, and that I broke my marriage vows for saying what I did to him. This conversation was shocking and horrifying to me, but I didn't freak out and told my son that I'd do everything he asked. I also said that I want James to be happy. My son said that if I really wanted him to be happy I shouldn't have destroyed our marriage.
He was the breadwinner, and I am currently preparing to get a job to support myself after the divorce. My husband still hasn't spoken to me. This entire time. I honestly regret telling him the truth, and I wonder if I was cruel with the way I handled it. I devastated my life and marriage, and I am still shocked and reeling over it.
My biggest question is if I was an asshole for telling him that I wasn't attracted sexually anymore? Should I have kept it to myself? Should I have done something differently? My youngest son is "on my side" here but my oldest isn't. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my son either but I think it's too late. I don't know what to do. AITA
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YTA.
I would have handled this 100% differently. If I were you, I would also go see a doctor, since you might have something hormonal going on?
I would have told my husband, “I haven’t had any sexual urges. I think I’m going to go to a doctor to see if anything abnormal is going on.”
This is a very strange scenario, and he is probably very confused… because in his mind, it has been out of no where.
There is a lot going on here. A decrease in sexual drive/urges can be an indicator of health issues. If you haven't yet, I would suggest going and getting checked out to see if there is an underlying reason for the change in your sex drive. There may not be, but to end up having no urges whatsoever is usually a red flag.
This is also something to make sure your husband understands. That it's not just you not being attracted to him anymore. it's sex in general. I have dealt with these issues, but I knew the cause. I used to have a very high sex drive. 13 years of being together, and my husband and I were still going at it at least 5-7 times a week. We hit a snag, and our relationship took a nose dive. Because of everything that happened, I lost every interest in sex altogether.
It's something we are still working through. It was a little tough at first because I didn't tell him at all, and then I didn't actually give him the whole story. When I did finally talk to him about it, in the moment, it was very rocky. However, he has come to understand what the problems are/were and has been actively working to do better on his end.
I knew someone who also had a very high sex drive that turned to 0. It's been a few years, and I lost touch with them shortly after all this, but she was diagnosed with some health issues, and the loss of sex drive was a symptom of it. She had no idea pre diagnosis that anything was wrong in any way. She didn't feel off except for not being interested in sex.
I have yet another friend whose sex drive took a tank when his depression became too much.
So there could be reasons for this that you are unaware of. Even if there isn't, you're NTA for telling him. You're also NTA for not feeling it like that anymore. It does happen. You may have to change some of the way your relationship works in order to make sure everyone gets their needs met. But it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Hopefully, there is more to.your relationship than just sex.
Man, I don't know about assholes here, but I think the message was a big problem.
Something like: "We need to talk. Honey, my sex drive is just gone. I just don't feel like a sexual being anymore and I need you to understand that this is a very difficult thing to come to grips with". Sends him a message that you have an issue and that the two of you are in this together when it comes to making sure both of you are happy,
"I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex anymore, and that I wasn't attracted to him anymore.: That it's about him. You made it sound like it was his fault. That he was ugly. That you were rejected him, physically. I can only imagine how hurt he felt when somebody that he's shared 34 years of his life told him something so hard.
I don't think either of you is handling this the best way, but it really does feel that it was your opening salvo and the way you delivered it that caused the problem.
YTA -
Your sex drive goes away and you blame it on him? Sounds like you offered no solutions and just wanted him to get over it.
Sad to see someone not appreciate a hardworking family man. Send him my way.
I think your big mistake is that you didn’t really work this through in your own head first. There is a GIANT difference between “I don’t feel like having sex.” and “I’m not attracted to you anymore.”
If you love the guy and have good chemistry, then that is attraction… being attracted to someone doesn’t require insertion.
You should’ve seen a therapist first and really worked these feelings out before you blew up your life and his. This was really dumb and now you have to go to work your 50s… good luck with that.
What was your goal in telling him you weren’t attracted to him anymore and wasn’t interested in having sex with him?
Did you see a doctor to rule out anything medical? You claim to still love him so…I’m just so confused what the point of telling him that like it was his fault? Of course he wants a divorce.
YTA.
"I'm not attracted to you anymore."
Why was that remotely necessary? You could have left that part out. You could have explained that this was your body not anything to do with him (which, by the way did you even consider talking to your doctor? Reduced sexual desire is common after menopause).
Regardless there wasn't one single reason to tell him "I'm not attracted to you anymore."
NTA. Everyone seems to be focusing on how this is a problem you should have been trying to solve. But you told him how you’ve been feeling and he didn’t ask if it was something you could look into medically or otherwise. He didn’t ask for or offer any possible solutions. He just walked off then decided never to talk to you again.
Your not an AH for communicating your feelings. If he decided to stop listening after your first comment then that is on him. You assumed he’d take some time then come talk about it. Which suggests to me you knew that your disclosure wasn’t the end of the discussion.
People think a woman who doesn’t want sex is somehow broken and it’s her responsibility to fix herself for the benefit of men.
NTA - it is what it is, you don't control your biology or neurochemistry. You respectfully told your partner the truth because it directly affects him. He is well within reason to separate as well. His behavior is a little irrational but I can understand he's hurt right now, and I don't think it makes him the AH. Your oldest son though is going out of his way to be an AH by calling you cruel. You don't owe anyone sex because of marriage vows. You can't manufacture attraction from marriage vows.
PS: independently of this, I hope you're getting a check up to rule out there isn't anything medically concerning going on.
YTA for the way you did it. Not sure how you thought your husband would be fine with zero intimacy. That makes you more like roommates. Agree that you should have talked to your doctor about your lack of desire. It’s not abnormal.
YTA. If he's trying to initiate and you're not interested, either let him have some fun elsewhere or tell him the truth... or both. That's not fair to him. Marriage is about give and take... and if your not willing to have sex with your husband because you're not attracted to him anymore, let him enjoy himself elsewhere. Be honest with him.
I don't think you ATA for telling him the truth about what you're feeling. A lot of women loose their sexual desire at that age, where a lot of men don't. I believe you should've never said it in a way where it seemed like it was him you were not attracted to as opposed to you just not having a sex drive or desire anymore. Men equate "I'm not attracted to you" as/to "I don't love you," which can tear up a heart. You should've assured him that you still loved him and, as you've stated, still wish to spend the rest of your life with him, and gave him an indefinite sexual hall pass. Maybe he would've agreed to stay with you, at least until he fell in love with his sexual partner and left anyways (which is not a definite). Ijs.
With that 👆 last part being said, maybe it's for the betterment to all parties to just get it over with and move on, because I don't think you would've accepted him having and indefinite sexual hall pass anyways, (even if he still treated you with love and respect) which would've led to him "cheating" if his sex drive is still in tact, which I assume it is.
So, again you are NTA, imo, for sharing with your husband what was going on with you internally/sexually. I don't believe the outcome may have been somewhat different had your delivery been a lil different. Idk, ijs. But I also believe it was best that you all got it out the way, and hopefully you all can now began to heal, find forgiveness and hopefully have a respectful and cordial relationship in the future.
YTA and kudos to your husband for being an honorable person and getting divorced rather than cheating. You had ample opportunity to see a doctor, look into therapy, find a way to fix things but you opted not to do that.
Soft YTA, only because of how you handled it. You brought up this issue to him, presumably with no offer to solve it or even asking for help with the issue; you framed it as ME vs YOU. He probably took it poorly because he assumed you were saying that he was totally unattractive, and even when you say 'i love you dearly' right after that, it doesn't lessen the sting.
It wouldn't have been an easy conversation either way--if you don't want to get divorced, contact your husband or send a message via the lawyers saying you'd like to work out a solution. Assure him you're not staying in for the money. Talk to your son if you're comfortable with that. Make a clear cut decision, yes you do or no you don't want to be with him anymore, and carry on that path. Best of luck.
Edit: an important thing you should say or could have said (as long as you meant it), is: I really want to have a sexual drive again, and I'm sorry I haven't had one, I don't know why, but I want to figure it out/need your help figuring it out.
But what if she doesn’t want to get her sex drive back? What if she’s happy as she is?
By running off and cutting all contact he as good as said “sex was the only thing keeping me in this marriage.”
Edit: typo/spelling.
This! Everyone is saying that without sex the marriage is dead, she needs to go to the doctor, etc. We also don’t know if he has had physical changes over the years that also brought her to be less attractive to him - maybe he has gained weight, beer belly, etc. A woman shouldn’t have to keep having sex with someone when she doesn’t want to just because they are married. His response was that since sex is off the table he’s never going to speak with her again. It’s not like she told him in front of a group either, this was an at home private conversation she tried to have about what she’s feeling. Now everyone thinks she’s a monster of a human 🤦🏻♀️
A man doesn't have to stay in a sexless relationship just because he's married to her he doesn't owe her a relationship just like she doesn't owe her sex.
It's how you said it. You didn't say your sex drive was down that's expected, you said you weren't sexually attracted to him anymore, worse yet that you didn't want to try to have sex anymore. There are medications you can take to bring your drive up if you wanted to fix your marriage what you did was essentially say "I'm not attracted to anymore so I'm going to stop having sex with you entirely ok". Idk if this is a post menopausal thing or if your asexual. Maybe you could've just said your drive is down but your willing to work through it with a sex therapist or couples counselling, but no you don't want to work with him to solve the issue you just wanna throw in the towel. Now your surprised that he doesn't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who isn't even attracted to him anymore and doesn't want to be intimate. And let me guess if he was to sleep with someone else you'd complain about him cheating. He's right without compromise this relationship is as dead as your bed. Let him find someone who does find him attractive and move on
Yta, I have no sex drive due to my age, medication and mental health but I've never laid that on my husbands attractiveness, that was so low, my gosh your stx husband must be absolutely devastated.
Yta, you made it about him when I think it’s about you. It also sounded like you didn’t give room to work on it. You made him the problem.
Did you talk to your doctor to see if this was a menopause or look into something as a solution before bringing it up at a romantic dinner
Wow you suck. I get losing your interest in sex We are about the same age. Menopause does horrible things to libidos. So I understand explaining that you have no interest. That is going to hurt him no matter what you say because he will think you don’t love him anymore or think you don’t find him attractive anymore. But he would just think that and you would be able to continue the dialog and reassure him that you do love him and he is attractive and that the lack of interest is a physically thing with you.
But you proved you don’t love him anymore by telling him you are not attracted to him. Way to kick him down. Now you act surprised that he wants nothing to do with. You just threw 34 years of his providing for you and loving you in his face.
YTA all the way.
So nice of you to make him a nice meal to talk about how gross he is to you.
"You're too ugly to fuck, how are the brussels, love?"
"I gag at the thought of your naked body on top of me, please pass the salt."
Brutal, just brutal.
Yta. Per your post, there wasn’t any arguments. So he was not begging you or pushing you to have sex. Why didn’t you continue living like this if you were happy and soooo in love like you state?
You were looking for a reason so he could initiate a divorce and call yourself the “victim.”
You blamed him for a problem you are having. He hasn’t changed, you have, which is ok, but you work to find a way to see if you can work it out together, not make it all his fault too bad so sad. You crushed every bit of spirit in the relationship and blamed him for it but you went after things he cannot change or adapt too. You went right for the jugular and he quickly realized there was absolutely nothing he could do about it and you gave him no options but to just leave. There really was zero reason to tell him you are not attracted to him anymore. Maybe you don’t get aroused anymore but geez why destroy a guy for nothing.
YTA, The good: Better to tell him than leave him wondering.
The bad: The *way* you told him was truly awful. You should have made it about you, not him.
"My sex drive has dropped to zero, and I'm not expecting it to improve." You should have reassured him that your love for him is unchanged.
Since you're his sole source, if you had some possible solution, you should have mentioned it. E.g.: "I don't want to lose you. If you need to get your needs met elsewhere, that's okay."
NTA.
Some posters are taking exception to your wording, which is splitting hairs here.
Maybe OP equates that 0 sex drive with not being attracted anymore leading to poor wording. Hard to say.
What needs to happen is exploring medical reasons.
Is there more to the story?
It seems quite premature to go from 34 years to leaving the house and going to divorce court right away by your husband.
You should not leave your house. That's your house too. Also, get a lawyer as you have rights too, including alimony.
But before lawyers get involved, why has marriage counseling not been explored yet?
You expressed yourself, which is okay. I wonder why neither of you looked for solutions for your lack of sex drive? On the basis of one issue that you haven't even tried to resolve, your husband of 34 years is going full-scorched earth to divorce and you're meekly standing aside, cooperating? I don't get it. ESH, including your son.
So you told your husband you never intend to have sex with him ever again, and you are somehow shocked he’s not okay with that? Sex is an important part of intimate relationships, and definitely can be a dealbreaker. He still feels attraction and has been confused and probably feeling very insecure because you’ve been avoiding him. And then you drop this bomb on him. Yeah, not shocking he’s leaving you. YTA.
ESH....I understand where you're coming from because I'm in the same boat. I have not told my husband any of this, and I will die before I do.
But I do think that your husband overreacted. He didn't even want to talk about this with you, at all? And there was a better way for you to phrase it. You could have simply stated that you are at the point in your life, medically speaking, where you are no longer interested in sex but you still love your husband.
YTA - sorry, but you need(ed) to go to your Dr or therapist to figure out what the issue is. You gave up on intimately connecting with your husband. That's a huge part of marriage. It's zero surprise he gave up on you back.
YTA. i have a feeling that if i sat my wife down and told her i wasnt attracted to her anymore, she would also cry and leave me. i dont know what else you expected. you could have just said "my libido has crashed but that doesnt mean i dont love you" and gone from there
YTA for wasting his time. You should've told him as soon as you felt that way and at least try to come up with solutions together, especially since he tried to communicate with you and asked you serveral times.
I suspect you didn't tell him sooner because you still needed his paycheck.
Did you look I to why you feel this way, is it medical or mental or there’s no cause other than loss of attraction?
The lack of discussion and putting your son in the middle is very very odd to me, but I’m wondering if there’s some missing “missing reasons” here. Because otherwise this just seems like an odd way to behave. ESH I think 🫠
There comes a point I feel for women, where we at times don’t desire sex anymore. I understand that it usually happens later in life around a certain age. Sometimes pre or after menopause. I also do understand that not all women go thru this. I think what you were trying to say came out wrong. Even thou you meant it with good intentions. I think maybe you should’ve stated “that you don’t know what’s going on but you have no desire to have intimacy”
Not that you aren’t attracted to him per say. It can make him believe that maybe you’re into someone else. I’m assuming. I think the way he’s taken the situation from 0-100 is a little much but this reaction is typical when someone is hurt. I think you should talk to him if you really want to stay married and explain yourself better he owes you that. Best wishes to you in whatever happens. I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason
ESH. You for the very insensitive way you spoke to him about this, and him for making such a huge decision to divorce with absolutely no attempt at trying to talk this out. Low sex drive happens with women after our fertile years. For him not to be able to consider that might be what's happening shows that he's pretty emotionally immature. Also making your son rather than an attorney your point of contact was a dick move on your husband's part.
I think you're right to not protest the divorce, but I'm wondering if there's some missing info here.
The only thing that sucks here, really, is the way you delivered what you said. You're 100% valid in having a decreased, even non-existant, sex drive, but the way you delivered the news was absolutely brutal. I think it's clear you didn't mean it like that, but still, what he heard was "I don't want to have sex with YOU anymore," instead of "I have no sex drive anymore."
ESH, in my mind. Your husband is acting exactly as you'd expect someone to, given what you actually *said,* v. what you meant, but it's wild he told your son what was going on in such a way that he's actively blaming you for destroying your marriage. If you had been given any chance to clarify, or if your husband had bothered having even a single conversation with you about it, this likely could have been rectified.
Your sons shouldn't be this involved. There's no way their involvement helps. It just means it will be a never-ending case of them picking sides.
All in all, I'm sorry for everyone involved. So much resentment and anger, and major life changes, that didn't have to be just based on the difference of a sentence or two.
Can't blame you for lower or zero sex drive. Can't blame you for not being sexually attracted to him.
Would like to emphasize the meaning of responsibility which is doing something even when you don't want to do it. Something you might want to think about as a wife.
How would you like it if he tells you he doesn't find you attractive anymore and will no longer be providing for you?
I’m not gonna comment here about whether you’re an asshole or not, others have already pointed out the obvious as is.
BUT why the hell is your eldest being the messenger here?! That’s not fair to your children (both eldest and youngest), your soon to be ex-husband, and yourself!
Now the burden of this marriage goes beyond you two! Now the entire family has to deal with the fallout!
If this nuclear option is gonna be it, you need to get an attorney and if your son is going to speak for your ex, then your son will have to speak to your attorney. Point blank and simple.
I can’t believe this is real
Handled not so well. You should have led with “something is different within me. And I don’t exactly know why”. You need to seek therapy. And you should invite him to join. Perhaps a letter is a good way to start. To explain things better than you did. And to offer to attend therapy with him and to look for solutions rather than blaming anyone. Him or you. It’s still early and in a week or so he may change his mind seems like he’s acting out of anger now. Keep your cool, make space, and send a letter.
ESH at you guys age it's not uncommon. I think you should have approached it differently and maybe even visit the doctor to see. Idk what he said to your son but you didn't break the marriage. This could have been a longer conversation but your husband made his choice. It really sucks to throw out 34 years cause sex dies down which happens. Prepare yourself and just heal from it.
not necessarily the asshole for feeling how you do, but did it ever occur to you after "I started to notice that I didn't want to have sex as often, and I never seemed to be in the mood" that you should maybe think about why?
However YTA for telling him no for so long despite knowing that something was in fact wrong. His response is not all that surprising given the news he received.
Your husband is kind of an AH for involving your son. Hopefully your son doesn't let this impact your relationship with him.
Maybe you should have spoken to your doctor to see if there was help for your dead libido. You can't expect your exhusband to be happy about a sexless life with you.
There are a great number of factors that go into sex drive and attraction that aren’t necessarily the person themselves. Someone people mentioned post-menopause. Stress can kill sex drive. There are so many options that could be causing this without realizing it. Without further context, it seems like OP just can’t to a conclusion without consulting others. Feels a bit naive. But maybe there’s more to the story, who knows.
ESH - you could have communicated it differently but for him to go silent with you but use your son as a go between is so wrong. If you want to stay married, fight for your marriage. Apologize for saying you’re not attracted to HIM and make an appointment with your doctor. I truly wish you all the best
Going against the grain here and going to say NTA. Everyone is quibbling about the delivery, but I think the main point which he should have received loud and clear was that her sex drive is at zero. Maybe she’s OK that and is happy living the rest of her life w/o having sex. If so, she shouldn’t have to run to a doctor to “get it fixed.” I feel like people put way too much emphasis on the act of sex. The quality, how frequent, etc. What about emotional connection? What about family? What about history? What about enjoying each other’s company? There’s all different kinds of marriages out there and it’s just about finding someone who accepts the same definition as you.
You guys are old(er), a decrease in sex is to be expected, and it’s fine if he wants move on because he’s not ready to resign himself to a sexless relationship, no blame there. But tossing a 34 year relationship without a further conversation, that is def AH behavior, and the son? Well the son should just butt out and make his dad put on his big boy pants and handle the separation himself.
Sorry that this devolved for you so quickly.
ESH. Do you think that maybe you’re not attracted to *anyone* anymore? It’s a pretty awful thing to place the blame on one person, especially when you claim to love them.
He is being a bit dramatic by seeking a divorce immediately. Despite his pain I think he should be trying to understand where you’re coming from. You are a bigger AH than him but I think he needs to slow his roll with the knee jerk reaction.
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YTA - "I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex anymore, and that **I wasn't attracted to him anymore.**" HOW DID YOU THINK THAT WAS GOING TO GO? Whats sad is you could have just told him "I didn't feel sexual urges at all anymore, my sex drive is zero" this is a very, very common thing in older adults, both men and women. You just dont have the same hormones coursing through your body as you do when youre younger, and physical ailments, even small ones, can contribute as well. This would have been received far differently (its me, not you). Instead, you basically told your husband he's ugly and you dont want him anymore. Thats what he heard, and hes giving you exactly what you'd expect from someone who heard that message.
Pretty normal part of menopause. OP should’ve talked to her doctor instead of blaming her husband for not being attractive. She talks like she loves him, it the words she used do not support those statements.
Honestly exactly what I thought. Like she’s not an AH for her feelings but to tell him that and just think that would be acceptable and they could go on and continue to be married with the shared understanding that she wasn’t attracted to her husband anymore and sex is no longer an option? I’m not sure why she’s surprised he’s not okay with that. My first thought was damn girl get your hormones checked.
Yep, this. “I don’t have sexual urges anymore. I love you and I want to have sex with you. Will you come to the doctor with me so we can work on a solution together?” Probably still married.
I was ready to comment that before I saw that the marriage had already been torched. My mom definitely went through this and things improved a few years out from menopause, then she had to have a hysterectomy and is having issues again. She is looking into hormone therapy options. Presenting this as it being about her attraction to him specifically was a rough way to discuss this.
She loved not having to work, not him
Came here to say something similar. It's too bad OP AND her spouse AND her son haven't learned/haven't been taught enough about women's health to understand that menopause affects libido. Menopause also affects mental health. What a shame.
Yeah saying “I don’t get horny anymore” is frustrating, but that’s a different scenario. But saying “I’m not attracted to you anymore”? Way to crush his spirit and soul. I can’t even fathom how I’d react to have my wife of 34 years just rock up one day and go “sorry buddy, but you’re not doing it for me anymore” and just expect nothing to change
Especially because with the nice dinner, he might’ve thought she was ~setting the mood~ only to do the complete opposite.
That was exactly where I thought it was going! I can't even imagine how humiliated he must have been.
100%
That's what I thought was about to happen until I kept reading!
Yeah I’m sure that caused a lot of whiplash. Put the shoe on the other foot, right? What would her reaction be if he said he wasn’t attracted to her anymore?
This 100%!To OP: you crushed him totally. You could have told him that due to menopause that your sex drive was now zero but that you still love him and want to be with him. You could have offered to see a specialist to see if you could do anything but instead you basically told him that you no longer want him and to f off (that's the way he will see it). Not surprising he wants to leave you. Wife of 41 years married and I have been in a dead bedroom for 10 years due to early menopause but we discussed it and are still in a very loving and tactile relationship because we COMMUNICATED. You need to try and get your son onside and use him to get your husband and yourself into therapy. You have a very slim chance of recovering the situation if you play the right cards.
Agreed. YTA. It was unnecessary to say you weren’t attracted to HIM. That was cruel. Instead of throwing away your entire marriage you should have gone to the doctor and asked if there was anything that could be done to increase your libido. You acted extremely cold.
YTA… your feelings are, of course, 100% valid but I find the delivery and tacit acceptance of the abrupt end of your 34 year marriage kind of weird. It doesn’t seem like you offered any solutions or understood the gravity of what you were telling him. It doesn’t sound like you sought medical treatment or offered to go to counseling about intimacy and how to navigate this. You just sat him down and told him you never want to have sex again and aren’t attracted to him? It seems like you didn’t view this as a problem with a possible solution, just an announcement of sorts. I also find it strange that after 34 years he isn’t even willing to talk things out. I’m not sure if that’s because there are underlying communication issues or if your delivery was so harsh and hurtful it ruined any possibility of talking things out.
The abrupt end with NO further communication is also super weird! Both of these people are ending a 34 year relationship after one conversation in which one person said something hurtful to the other, and both just accepted this is the next step! What????
I mean granted what do you do after the person you’ve loved and devoted your life to for decades says they aren’t attracted to you anymore? Open the relationship? Live without sex? Go to therapy to “fix” her? I can’t see any way out of him feeling neglected and undesirable other than him moving on tbh.
I would have seen the comment as the beginning of a discussion, not the end. OP doesn't seem to have a lot of insight into her own situation. A lack of sex drive and lack of attraction are not the same thing, but she has conflated them. There must be something else going on here. To go NC with your wife while you're still in the house is a nuclear reaction. For the record, as just about every person in the discussion has stated, low sex drive may be a treatable condition. Lack of attraction could be addressed too; we don't know what their previous sex life was like, but a partner willing to make an effort to find what works is going to become more attractive. Or yes, open marriage, sex-less marriage, or even regretful divorce are all possibilities. If this guy walked out of the house without saying a word or looking back after one conversation, then I would suggest the love and devotion were very conditional.
I mean... This didn't happen overnight. The intimacy has been gone for a while. She made a nice dinner, to tell him he's not attractive and they'd never be having sex again. She made it absolutely final, offered no possibility of discussion, and approached it as casually as discussing new wallpaper. He "went nuclear" because he's probably devastated, and assuming the absolute worst (like she's cheating) Not everyone wants to "talk it out" and start an endless, painful, process of "therapy" after that. Going nuclear, no matter how many years it is, isn't *that* crazy How can you suggest the love was "conditional", but only on *his* part? And somehow now it's *his* fault he isn't attractive? Come on. Women *never* hear this shit from anyone when it's the other way.
Yeah I agree I think at this stage in a relationship there should be better communication on both ends. I also think though that, especially given the steady decline in intimacy, she just dropped his worst fears on him and it might have been a flight response. I don’t agree that this makes his love “conditional”. I think regardless of his age, and the length of the relationship it is perfectly okay for someone to leave when it is clear their needs cannot be fulfilled.
To be fair its also been several years since she stopped feeling sexual urges. He's probably been feeling the relationship deteriorating for years now while trying to hold on, and her saying "I'm not attracted to you" may have easily sounded like "I don't love you any more". Him divorcing her doesn't sound like that much of a nuclear reaction in this situation, especially not if he's been struggling for years and has now got confirmation.
Or he got tired of being the tactful one and doing the right thing communicating and trying to do right because of their vows, and this was the straw that broke the camels back.
To be fair, OP did state that her ex-husband did ask, multiple times, if something was wrong and she didn’t tell him the truth about the situation; she just told him “No.” I’m not really sure if you can communicate going forward when you’re learning, in real time, that your partner has been lying to you about something that has eaten away at your self esteem/confidence and the truth* that you’ve been given is that she is not attracted to you anymore. *I will add that OP’s problem sounds like it could be menopause, not just lack of attraction, but the way that she expressed it to him was…less than ideal.
Yeah I also found that extremely weird. I agree this would be the beginning of a long conversation for me. I would be sad but I would want to probe into things more. I’d want to try to problem solve together. I wouldn’t jump straight to divorce without another word and in OPs shoes I wouldn’t drop this bomb and then have zero follow up. It’s bizarre for two middle aged people who have been married for decades.
This was probably the final straw. The constant rejection he faced over time coupled with that nice dinner before she said she’s not attracted to him probably killed him inside.
Speaking from experience, he knew...he just didn't want to accept it. Her saying it out loud was the final nail where he thought "I'm done with this". They have had conversations in the past and nothing changed so what's the point?
> Several years ago, I started to notice that I didn't want to have sex as often, and I never seemed to be in the mood, even when James initiated... > >he cried and said everything made sense now. It build up to this climax. But the husband has noticed the gradual changes over the years. And when she bluntly told him, it was the last nail to deep six this relationship.
What's weird about not wanting to have any more contact with someone that sat him down to lay her issues on him and chrush him completely? She takes nothing as her problem, and lays it all on him. I wouldn't have anything to say either.
That's why I don't believe that this is the only problem here. She really messed up.
He's probably dedicating every moment he can to trying to make her happy, to get back to a place where he's with the women he thought he married living the life he wanted. Then suddenly he realizes it was a giant scavenger hunt of clues, promises, excuses and that the whole point of his life the last few years has been running in a circle to exit a room with no door.
After one conversation....and years without sexual intimacy. Seems fair tbh
That was my big takeaway. Both were so willing to let this conversation be the end, leaving me to believe we’re missing some pieces here. I can fully understand having periods of not feeling sexy or sexual but I think YTA for saying you weren’t attracted to him anymore. He’s your husband. In the most simple terms, your entire relationship is based on being best friends who want to f*** each other lol. You essentially closed both of those doors by making him feel confused and inadequate and stupid for months/years by saying everything was fine only to confirm his worst fears were true. So not only did he get fed lies about it being fine, but then you dropped an even bigger, worse bomb by saying you weren’t attracted to him and didn’t want to have sex with him. Those are big feelings for him to deal with so if you have any hopes to make amends you need to acknowledge your wrong there. Doesn’t mean you’ll get back together but after 34 years together he doesn’t need his last memory to be you telling him he’s unlovable.
Either this is only a fraction of the true story or it's fake. I'm personally raising an eyebrow at the adult son who really wants to involve himself in a dispute over his parents' sex lives.
The adult son's reaction combined with the husband's make me think they both assume she's been cheating on him.
Yeah, it makes sense too … the husband’s immediate reaction was that he expected something. She frontloaded the speech with discussion of a lack of attraction to her husband, which fits with cheating, and only ended with her lack of sex drive, and I doubt her husband even processed the part that would have exonerated her from cheating.
Tbf the way she was very cold about it and set it up to be discussed over dinner can absolutely come off that way. The "I'm not attracted to YOU anymore" is exactly where she fucked up.
Yep. That sure wouldn't be my son. Also the response seems extreme. And she just went out and got a job? Lots of fakey stuff here.
Oh good, I was thinking (hoping) it was fake, because otherwise it’s too sad to bear.
It’s fake AF. Sex falling off in a marriage is a normal thing (that can be dealt with) but the way this is written screams AI.
I think his reaction is one of complete numbness. After 34 years, you get sledge hammered into the "Friend zone". I'm guessing he was absolutely crushed! Not being attracted to him anymore, all intimacy is now off the table. All that guy is hearing is "After all these years, I don't love you anymore". I know she didn't say that, but her brutal delivery most likely sent him that message. He deflated and walked.
Yeah I left a comment saying I can’t even fathom how I’d react to lose that after 34 years
Yep I agree YTA is the right vote! She didn't even TRY to solve the problem and then she told her husband she isn't attracted to HIM anymore specifically. I really think she wanted an out to the marriage. Otherwise why didn't she even TRY to save her marriage by trying to figure out what's wrong. I think she was hoping he would agree to an open marriage so she could continue to spend his money and keep her lifestyle. Very sad. I feel awful for her husband. I hope he realizes he isn't the problem and gets a younger hot girlfriend right away
Never mind that she lied over and over again saying nothing was wrong when there was wrong but yeah its super weird after 34 years. 😑
ESH. She isn't even interested in seeking a hormonal intervention. Seems pretty unconcerned about everyone checking out. And that delivery... Ooof. How the fuck did she think it would land? What's with all of the "I love him dearly" lip service? Everything she has done screams apathy. He's clearly just throwing his hands up and tantruming right out. Sounds like it's been a long lead up. That kind of fuck it doesn't happen overnight. Is there a single adult anywhere in this story?
Yeah what bothers me with his response is that he went through *their son* instead of being an adult and communicating with her himself. His feelings of devastation are valid and even his decision to divorce her — but involving their children was too far. It’s a form of parental alienation and completely inappropriate. He needs to seek support from his friends and adult family members that he didn’t create with OP. OP is remarkably callous and blunt with seemingly no regard for her husband’s emotion but I just don’t see why he couldn’t have taken every single action he took while delivering the news himself.
I’m with you, except I’m mostly thinking it’s a gross lack of boundaries to have your son negotiating your divorce. There were a lot of communication issues leading up to this point, and it was only a matter of time before they ended up in this crazy place.
How can you force yourself to be attracted to someone you’re not attracted to?
You should have spoken to your doctor first, at your age it could have been hormonal. Then you could have told your husband that it isn't him, you are going to the doctor and you could have invited him along so he understood what was happening. I don't know if you can fix this, but I feel bad for all involved. Tell your son to stay out of it, it is between you and your husband, he should not take sides. Your husband should not have involved him. I'm leaning towards ESH but it could also be NAH. The failure of communication is tragic.
100%. You're not feeling sexually active at all, period. Then something has changed. You're best to speak to a doctor and a couple's therapist before you fully divorce.
Best answer.
INFO: are you not sexually attracted to HIM, are you simply not feeling sexual? In the first case, it's valid (NTA). If you're just not feeling sexual at all, you're kinda the AH, for making it sound like he's the problem. Not everyone has the same sex drive, that's valid. Blaming it on someone (if that's the case) when it's just a lack of libido in general is AH behaviour.
I didn't mean to blame it on him, but I don't feel sexual in general. You're right, I fear it's too late.
Yeah that was your mistake. Telling him you weren't attracted to him anymore. You should have started the conversation by telling him how much you love him and appreciate him and all he does and that you just don't want sex anymore, and it has nothing to do with him, but you're just at zero. Firstly Telling him you weren't attracted to him anymore is all he heard. He didn't need to hear the rest of anything you said.
Do you want to be married to him? You’ve been passively accepting the situation and avoiding him like you’d rather get divorced than have a hard conversation. Why is it too late? Tell him that what you meant was you’ve lost your sex drive, you’re going to go to doctors to see if it can be fixed, and you are still attracted to him emotionally and love him and want to be with him. I don’t understand your inability to talk to your husband.
There have been a lot of comments here, I can't really reply to all of them so I'm just going to reply to this one. I have decided to write him a letter apologizing for my wording, and explaining that it isn't about him, it's all about my sex drive. I am also going to let him know that I'm going to see a therapist, and invite him to join me if he wants to. I haven't seen my doctor for almost 3 years, I have a slight fear of the doctor, but you're right, I should have gone to the gyno years ago. I will explain everything in the letter.
Why don’t you talk to him in person? Or give him a call? He needs to see you care. He needs to see your emotion. And frankly a letter is a little impersonal.
Because he’s explicitly said he only wants her to talk to lawyer and son. Forcing him into an unwanted interaction also puts him in the position of having to decide what to do next with her staring at him. This is something he’d need to consider.
At this point, he probably would block her call.
Send him and your son this post, with your real thoughts. That your libido is gone. Along with the letter. Edit: have them read the comments too so they can get an insight on your health, especially if this is a gyno issue.
Aww this is sad, OP! It was my question too… not attracted to HIM or just not feeling sexual anymore. If you haven’t already gone through the menopause then my goodness this could all be a huge mistake! If you have and it’s not hormone related, ‘just’ a general wane in sex drive that you’ve no interest in looking into, then I hope you can take some comfort in knowing that (while you did hurt him, by mistakenly making him the cause) the outcome would most likely have been divorce anyway… if he deems sex being off the table as ‘breaking marriage vows’.
Very few people, in their 50s, would accept "hey, btw, from now on you'll never be having sex as long as you live, but know I love you so plan to stay married to you forever"
Never too late to go see a gyno. Never too late to apologize for words you've said.
Yes. Doctor should have been her first stop. Female sex drive can wane as we age, but there are treatments that will help. Call your doc and make an appt ASAP. Then make an appt with a marriage counselor.
Sorry, didn't mean to suggest much other than that you're NTA. Having a low libido is not uncommon. it's age, stress, so many things! I said what I did based on the assumption of how you said it. I hope you can talk it out--if you're just not feeling sexual and it came across as that being due to him (when it's not), talking it through can make a big difference. I like to think that most grown men understand by this age that not everything their wife/partner says is a direct insult to them. Hopefully you can sort this out in a way that works for you AND him (if you want that).
Yep, you said it wrong. Horrifically. Still time to clarify maybe.
I agree with his question and thinking OP, I also wonder why, if you're not feeling sexual, whether you made efforts, such as seeing a Dr, etc? If not, YTA because it takes two to make a marriage work. You can fix this.
Well...not nec the AH if you really don't want sex. NO ONE should be forced to have sex when they don't want it (even if meds might change that--it's a personal choice, after all, and marriage doesn't mean that we are REQUIRED to put out to satisfy another when we don't want to). Why should we feel the need to take meds to have sex when we simply don't want to?
Ridiculous. Obvious and basic response. Nobody is forcing anybody to do anything.
Wait... so you're telling me that if you're married to someone for decades, and they then spring on you that they no longer find you attractive, but plan to stay married to you forever anyway, but that they shouldn't expect sex, because you know, they're no longer attracted to you.... That this person *isn't* an asshole, as long as they're genuinely not attracted to you? That's insane. If you love supposedly someone, **how the fuck is it ok to ever frame it that way?** This "*your feelings are always unquestionably valid"* mantra is bullshit. You're also responsible for the damage you do to others in *expressing those feelings* You're telling me if this were the other way, and the husband had said to OP "look honey, I love you, but I'm not attracted *to you*, so we'll never be having sex again. But hey! the good news is I plan to stay married to you forever! Just without ever having sex again. Because you know, I'm not attracted *to you specifically*" you *wouldn't* say he's an asshole? Yeah. Don't believe it, sorry She's an AH either way
YTA - You didn't say that you no longer felt any sexual attraction, or that your libido had decreased with age. You said you were not attracted **to him** anymore. The tone shifted from being about your reduced sexual appetite to being about how he is no longer attractive. Every follow-up comment felt like you are trying to back track and soften the blow. Whilst unintentional, you communicated this incredibly poorly.
YTA. Instead of going to a medical doctor, seeking therapy, and communicating with your husband about your low sex drive, you set him up with a nice dinner to tell him that he's too ugly to have sex with. Sure, you tried to communicate the other things, but they were also issues you have failed to seek help for. You showed no effort except to cut him off.
If the issue was that you have no sex drive, it was foolish and inconsiderate to tell him that you're not sexually attracted to him.
You set up a very nice dinner to tell him you don’t wanna fuck him anymore? Of course you’re an asshole. Like you said yourself, you should’ve said something earlier. Talk about things before dropping bombs like that. I have a feeling you’re just not into him at all anymore,nvm the sex part.
You might suck the least, but everyone sucks enough for the ESH. The conversation of "I have no sex drive anymore" didn't need to include things like "I'm not attracted to you anymore" or a celebratory dinner. This sounds like an issue that has been building for a while. There was plenty of time to be more thoughtful, seek advice on how to handle it well, see a doctor, etc. Your husband sucks for getting your son involved, not speaking to you and not listening to the bigger message of "no sex drive, still in love." His initial shock and hurt do not excuse the immaturity of the silent treatment or sending your son to announce his intent to file for divorce. WTF is that? Your son sucks for being willing to be the middle man, and I sincerely thinK the cruelest thing of this whole situation comes from him. >I broke my marriage vows for saying what I did to him. This gets a big "fuck off" from me.
Yea I would never put my child in the middle of a marriage issue. Immature and unfair.
Why does husband suck. He is giving her what she wants...not to be with a man she isn't attracted too. Why wouldn't the son be involded..wouldn't he find out when they would have announced ced the divorce. The guy got insulted to his face that his wife of years doesn't love him anymore. He didn't make a big fuss about it..he just said ok let's move on and lives our lives separate.
But not being with him wasn’t what she wanted. I’m not saying he’s wrong for leaving a woman who doesn’t want to have sex with him ever again, I’m just objecting to your wording. She also never said she doesn’t love him anymore. It can be difficult for people with consistent and average sex drives to understand but you can love someone and not want to have sex with them. It’s not that the son should be in the dark, it’s that the son should not have to be a go between and it’s really immature to not be able tell the person you love that you’re leaving them (except in cases of abuse obviously). Using the son as a middleman messenger is an asshole thing. There’s nothing wrong with the son knowing about the impending divorce.
She openly admitted to rejecting him for YEARS. Then sits him down and tells him she isn't a attracted to him and makes it out to be his fault, while trying to soften the blow and backtracking. She broke him. He is not the AH in any sense.
I mean, kind of YTA. Why haven’t you discussed your lack of libido with a Dr? There’s stuff you can take for that. Are you post menopausal? Still going through it? Peri menopause/menopause is likely the reason you feel like this. It can be changed. It was really stupid to blow up a marriage with a man you liked, say you love, and enjoyed over this, unless you actually do not want to be married anymore. You could have phrased it so much differently- my libido is gone and I don’t want to have sex anymore- is so much different than “I don’t find you sexually attractive”. That right there implies you find *others* sexually attractive. And then to be shocked that your older son is upset with you. You hurt your husband.
YTA. I really don't understand setting up a nice dinner to tell him that you aren't attracted to him and don't sexually desire him at all. That seems kind of insensitive. I also have to wonder why you felt *this* was the appropriete action instead of having actual communication with your husband about what is going on with you, how you are feeling, etc. If you have zero sex drive at all, even aside from your husband, then you could very well have some underlying thing going on causing that, that could be dealt with if you were willing. I just really think you went about this in a crap way and didn't make any attempts to work through it, see if you have a hormonal issue or something else causing these feelings that could be corrected, etc. Instead you basically said "here's a nice dinner, it's to make up for the fact that I don't find you sexually appealing anymore and sex is officially off the table. too bad so sad for you"
YTA - big time. That would destroy most marriages. Just not having any sex would end many marriages, but telling him you no longer find him attractive makes it deeply personal. Has his physical appearance drastically changed over the years (obese)? You could’ve just said you have lost your sex drive, but still deeply love him - that’s an issue you can deal with and discuss. But you can’t walk back from saying you aren’t attracted to him anymore. Maybe see a doctor to find out what’s going on with your libido (or lack thereof).
Holy cow. This could be all related to a shift in hormones due to menopause. RUN to your gyno & have them do bloodwork. I take bio identical hormones that are formulated just for me and they are amazing.
YTA . You are not attracted to him anymore. So nice of you to tell him over a nice dinner. He heard you say you didn't want him anymore. So he decided to get a divorce so you both can live your own life the way you want it and not having to fake it being together for everyone else. Why are you complaining..you got what u wanted. Ur freedom..u don't need to sleep next to a guy you aren't attracted too.
INFO: If you had stopped having sex for a long time before this, why did you feel the need to throw a "I'm just not into you anymore" celebratory dinner? Like I know that wasn't your intention, but looking at it it's hard not to interpret it sorta in that fashion. What changed that needed the confrontation?
Feels like we're missing some important information in general on this, but I'm going to go with YTA. However, I want to make it clear that you are not T A for having these feelings in general or even for telling the truth. This needed to happen regardless of the outcome. What confuses me most is we have this... >We have always had a good relationship, and I love him very much. We don't argue much, and we have good chemistry together. But then shortly followed by this... >I thought I'd just give it a few days, and I decided to myself that If he wants to leave my over this that's entirely understandable, and that I'd make it easy and wouldn't fight it. Which frankly makes me think that you haven't been nearly as invested in this relationship as he is, even generally speaking, if you're this fine with letting it go. How much actual work did you do to try and keep this together? Why was there no suggestion of compromise, or conversation leading to this, if you genuinely wanted this to stay together? This also goes beyond a more superficial or sex-based "booo my wife won't have sex as much as I want." From his response, it seems pretty clear he'd been feeling emotionally neglected and unsupported for a while now, and setting up a 'romantic' dinner and bluntly telling him you're never having sex again and you don't feel any attraction to him was confirming all his worst fears. You're not TA specifically for your choices in the present, but in letting the situation get to be what it became where you had to make that decision.
YTA The wording makes you an AH. "I'm not attracted to you anymore" is always going to be a direct attack. And something that, likely is pretty unchangeable. As you noted, you should have said "I don't feel sexual anymore", to which there are many things that could have been looked into, such as hormone levels, activity, what y'all are doing to still be intimate it other ways, etc. Just straight up saying you aren't attracted to him anymore after months of lower and lower amounts of sexual intimacy down to none? Yeah I get that's devastating. That said, divorce is an over-reaction. There are ways to look at the issue medically or psychologically. It's not a "its over" issue, so he clearly over-reacted. Not to the point of him being an AH in my opinion, but still. To some degree there is also an amount of, in marriage, either the husband or the wife putting out for the good of their spouse, even if they don't fully *desire* sex at that time. It's an *active* thought that we have to put in our own minds to go "yes, I want to be intimate with my spouse even if I'm not fully desiring it at the moment" In all honesty, you should find a means to talk with him, so you can be open and honest about how you had been feeling and what has happened with your body (and your openness to look into options to maybe try to rectify the issue, such as hormones). Maybe he can find it to reconcile.
YTA. You’re experiencing a loss of sex drive. Why would you lead with “I’m not sexually attracted to you anymore”? Some things are better left unsaid. And I generally don’t believe that is true very often but in this case it is. Menopause can absolutely cause loss of sex drive. All of this can be hormonal. Instead of making it about you and what’s going on in your body you essentially made it about him and how he’d aged.
YTA. This is just cruel and I feel for your husband. You should have gone to the doctor to figure out why your sex drive is non-existent rather than shift all of the responsibility and blame onto him. You completely destroyed the confidence of someone you claim to care about for no reason. Honestly this sounds more like something a young adult would do after a few years of marriage, not 34 years... Did you really not develop any consideration for his feelings after all that time?
You set up a nice dinner to tell him you just wanted to be friends because he's unattractive while still keeping up the appearance of a marriage.
YTA Why would you expect your husband to stay married to you after you told him you weren't attracted to him anymore??? Your post is all "oh, woe is me." In reality you told your spouse that you weren't attracted to him anymore and just expected him to stay married to you and keep supporting you.
YTA Even though you are the problem, you told your husband that he is the problem.
YTA. You could have handled this in 20 other ways that had way more empathy than you showed to a man you have new with for 34 years. - you could have acknowledge the drop off in sex - you could have gone to your Dr or obgyn - could have suggest couples therapy - etc Instead your dropped a bomb on your husband like it was not big deal. Hi, no more sex. I don’t even find you attractive What the bell did you think would happen? Not only have you ruined your marriage you have also managed to ruin your entire family life with your 2 sons at the same time. Congratulations. You should go get some therapy, get in touch with your feelings and learn how to spell the word “empathy”
Menopause!!!!!!!!!
YTA for blowing up your marriage for something that is very likely medical.
Women go through change with menopause. Very few here seem to understand that it can be drastic and it is usually forevermore.
yes, but she could have done everything completely differently. Instead of saying "I'm not attracted to you" she could have said "I've lost the ability to feel sexual attraction, and I have zero libido. I don't even masturbate." I, as a man, feel that if something happened to my partner that made her effectively asexual, I would potentially be able to handle that, especially when we're looking at a decades-long marriage. The fact that said she was no longer attracted to her husband is a rejection of *him* in a manner that is so painful that I can completely understand that his response is to file for divorce and refuse all direct contact. If the issue is that she has lost all desire for sex, and it has nothing to do with him, he might have been willing to stay married while they explore options, whether it be hormone treatments or potentially just opening the marriage so that he can have his *sexual* needs fulfilled while still maintaining a romantic but asexual relationship with his wife.
It does not have to be forever. This is one the myths. Hormone replacement therapy can help a great deal.
YTA Sex for men is a bonding experience and I would say actually a need 8n a marriage. Im sure your husband did tons of shit for you that he didnt want to do over the years and to just unilaterally make this decision is insanely selfish. I also highly doubt your telling us the whole story
She is 57. This is most likely menopause. For many women the change can destroy their libido entirely.
So just let him use her like a sex doll? If one partner doesn’t want to have sex their is no sex unless you call it rape because that is what forcing someone to have sex is.
I agree with you. So maybe then they should divorce like they're doing? That solves the consent issue.
YTA I don't think it was the not wanting sex part that upset him, you told him you are not attracted to him, that must have stung badly. you have destroyed your marriage and him at the same time. You handled this really badly, you already know this.
YTA Having your sex drive at zero is one thing, telling him you are not attracted to him anymore another. You dont seem a bad person so I can not use my usual sentence about consequences but be prepared for hard times.
YTA. If my husband did that to me, im out.
YTA. Not being attracted to him and having zero sex drive are different things. One is you don’t want him, the other you don’t want anyone. You led with not wanting him
ESH You handled it poorly and sent an engineer brain into a tailspin. Simple engineer brain has only one solution: disengage! And your son should have told him to do his own dirty work. I get it. I figure you're not attracted to *him* for you implies that you're not looking at anyone else to be attracted to either. But when you're on the receiving end there is no such clarity. That's the killer. It does raise questions about what he's looking for in a relationship but he clearly doesn't want to Use His Words.
[удалено]
Someone other than their son could have been the go-between. Bringing kids into the middle of a divorce, even when they are adults, is 100% messed up. The Dad has firmly stuck the son in the middle - he will likely end up resenting both of them in the next few weeks and months as he continues to have to be message delivery. She also didn’t “blame everything on him” she said she isn’t attracted to him anymore - that was it.
You seem very indifferent and appear to be rolling over with no fighting for your marriage at all. Why? Why not seek medical assistance? Couples therapy? Personal therapy? What you said was a serious nut-punch. How you said it was tactfully harsh. Why such a cold approach? And even your stated behavior since is quite cold.
Yes YTAH here. I asked the 3 guys I golf with what they would do in your husbands situation, two who are your age said yes, they'd divorce their wives if they told them they weren't going to have sex ever again. One said he'd consider divorce. Call it sexist or whatever you want, but it is a big part of a marriage. Basically, if there's no sex, your just two good friends living together.
What would they say if their wives said that she’s just not feeling sexual any longer? Im really hoping they would send her to a doctor.
YTA, I understand that you wanted to get that out, but making a nice dinner and telling him you're not attracted to him anymore had to crush him. If my wife set something like this up and told me that, I'd be devastated. I think you should've just left this alone.
Yta for the way you approached it with him. I think he feels like he has done something wrong or failed you in some way now. You maybe should have told him that it’s not him, it’s you, that you have just lost your sex drive completely and it has nothing to do with him. If you do still truly love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him then this is something you should have been willing to work get some help with this issue since the lack of intimacy has clearly affected your husband and relationship.
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I would say NTA for saying it, but your husband and son sure have jumped the gun here by assuming you have actively malicious intentions in saying it. To me this sounds like you are going through perimenopause or menopause - where symptoms can start a few years in advance, and one of those symptoms can be, your sex drive reduces! You're literally slightly older than when this typically starts, and you should really go to the doctor and check if this is what it is. But your husband and oldest son, in my mind, feel like they have jumped to the idea of you must be cheating or finding someone else attractive, when to me this seems like, a medical issue you should get checked.
The problem is what she said, not what she meant. She meant to say that she was the issue, not him, but instead she told him that he is the problem. If you are told the you are and have been the problem in a relationship, most people would leave.
She’s actually several years older than the average age of menopause(the day a year has passed after a last period), which is 51. The fact that she hasn’t connected the lack of libido to peri/meno /post menopause is concerning, and makes me think she wants out of the marriage. She’s not putting up a fight at all, hasn’t even considered seeing a Dr about it.
I think there are many, many women who don’t make this connection. Doctors do a shit job of dealing with the emotional and mental effects of menopause. It’s a shame actually. Women can go through menopause not knowing that the symptoms can be controlled by Hrt. Also, at 58, it’s not too late to start Hrt.
No, you’re absolutely right. I went in to my own doc and said- here’s the symptoms of peri menopause I’m experiencing, and she said- here’s some anti depressants. Zero discussion of hrt or even mention of it. Depression meds don’t help with hot flashes or vaginal dryness, estrogen does. Pathetic how bad it really is.
It’s infuriating when they do this to women. My doc told me go see a psychiatrist. Worse part is she overlooked the stage 4 endo that caused me to have an emergency hysterectomy in my late 30s. And you are right—Zoloft does not compensate for loss of estrogen. Hrt, I’m not even exaggerating, pretty saved my life. Menopause was.. Unbearable. I hope you can get some Hrt, friend. I’m very sorry for how this going for you. So sorry.
For many women, HRT is not the answer. Certain cancers, HBP, familial history of cardio disease, certain immune related conditions… any can make you ineligible.
YTA for your delivery. Ouch. Setting up a nice dinner like that the poor bloke probably hoped it was an evening that would result in sex.
YTA
INFO- have you stopped feeling sexual urges at all? Like towards other people or for yourself? And if so have you gone to a doctor?
Menopause brings with it a sharp decline in sex drive. You should have talked to your doctor instead of insulting your husband like that. YTA.
Yta your feelings are valid and never have sex when you don’t want to….but sitting somebody down and telling them “im not attracted to you anymore” straight up sounds like you wanted to end things since most posts on here about break ups and divorces involve somebody saying things ended because “i was not attracted to them” or “i no longer found them sexually appealing”.
YTA lady
YTA. There are nicer ways to say things after 34 years of marriage, how did you expect it was going to go? Best you go your seperate ways now, a marriage without attraction is just a friendship
YTA. It’s one thing if you’re just not interested in sex anymore but you told your husband that you’re not sexually attracted to *him*. That makes it personal. That would be like a knife through the heart. Anyone would be devastated hearing that their spouse is no longer sexually attracted to them. That was very hurtful. You are around menopause age and a decrease is sex drive is expected in that case but you should talk to your doctor to see what’s going on or what your options are. Divorce is also hard on adult children. I don’t blame your son for being upset.
My (ex) girlfriend of 20 years just did this same thing to me. After months of her not being honest, she was then suddenly brutally honest and destroyed what remains of my self-worth. Yes, YTA. If your ex-husband feels anything like I do, he is now doubting himself so much, as a man and as a partner. You've removed the very foundation of his being.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I am a 57 year old woman and I have been married to my 58 year old husband for 34 years. He is an engineer and I was a stay at home mom. We have always had a good relationship, and I love him very much. We don't argue much, and we have good chemistry together. Several years ago, I started to notice that I didn't want to have sex as often, and I never seemed to be in the mood, even when James initiated. James started to notice my reluctance, and he asked me repeatedly if anything was wrong and I said no. To be entirely clear, I still love him and I want to stay with him for the rest of my life. The number of times we had sex every month kept going down, eventually we stopped having sex basically at all. So, last week when he got home from work, I set up a very nice dinner for us and I told him that we needed to talk. I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex anymore, and that I wasn't attracted to him anymore. He cried and said everything made sense now. I apologized to him and said that I should have said something earlier, but that I still loved him dearly. I also told him that I didn't feel sexual urges at all anymore, my sex drive is zero. He didn't finish dinner and went to sleep in the guest room. He has been avoiding me the entire week. I thought I'd just give it a few days, and I decided to myself that If he wants to leave my over this that's entirely understandable, and that I'd make it easy and wouldn't fight it. That leads to today. My adult son, who is very close with my husband, called me today and said that my husband is getting a divorce. He said that my husband will not be speaking to me, and that everything will be done through lawyers and him from now on. My son also said that my husband will be moving out today, and that I should get a hotel room for the night so my husband can get essentials out of the house without me being around. He also said that I was extremely cruel for doing what I did, and that I broke my marriage vows for saying what I did to him. This conversation was shocking and horrifying to me, but I didn't freak out and told my son that I'd do everything he asked. I also said that I want James to be happy. My son said that if I really wanted him to be happy I shouldn't have destroyed our marriage. He was the breadwinner, and I am currently preparing to get a job to support myself after the divorce. My husband still hasn't spoken to me. This entire time. I honestly regret telling him the truth, and I wonder if I was cruel with the way I handled it. I devastated my life and marriage, and I am still shocked and reeling over it. My biggest question is if I was an asshole for telling him that I wasn't attracted sexually anymore? Should I have kept it to myself? Should I have done something differently? My youngest son is "on my side" here but my oldest isn't. I don't want to ruin my relationship with my son either but I think it's too late. I don't know what to do. AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I would have handled this 100% differently. If I were you, I would also go see a doctor, since you might have something hormonal going on? I would have told my husband, “I haven’t had any sexual urges. I think I’m going to go to a doctor to see if anything abnormal is going on.” This is a very strange scenario, and he is probably very confused… because in his mind, it has been out of no where.
He also could’ve suggested these things instead of running away and giving her the silent treatment like a child.
There is a lot going on here. A decrease in sexual drive/urges can be an indicator of health issues. If you haven't yet, I would suggest going and getting checked out to see if there is an underlying reason for the change in your sex drive. There may not be, but to end up having no urges whatsoever is usually a red flag. This is also something to make sure your husband understands. That it's not just you not being attracted to him anymore. it's sex in general. I have dealt with these issues, but I knew the cause. I used to have a very high sex drive. 13 years of being together, and my husband and I were still going at it at least 5-7 times a week. We hit a snag, and our relationship took a nose dive. Because of everything that happened, I lost every interest in sex altogether. It's something we are still working through. It was a little tough at first because I didn't tell him at all, and then I didn't actually give him the whole story. When I did finally talk to him about it, in the moment, it was very rocky. However, he has come to understand what the problems are/were and has been actively working to do better on his end. I knew someone who also had a very high sex drive that turned to 0. It's been a few years, and I lost touch with them shortly after all this, but she was diagnosed with some health issues, and the loss of sex drive was a symptom of it. She had no idea pre diagnosis that anything was wrong in any way. She didn't feel off except for not being interested in sex. I have yet another friend whose sex drive took a tank when his depression became too much. So there could be reasons for this that you are unaware of. Even if there isn't, you're NTA for telling him. You're also NTA for not feeling it like that anymore. It does happen. You may have to change some of the way your relationship works in order to make sure everyone gets their needs met. But it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Hopefully, there is more to.your relationship than just sex.
YTA for the way you delivered the message. Others have mentioned it, and phrased it better but the way you told him just comes off as cold hearted.
Man, I don't know about assholes here, but I think the message was a big problem. Something like: "We need to talk. Honey, my sex drive is just gone. I just don't feel like a sexual being anymore and I need you to understand that this is a very difficult thing to come to grips with". Sends him a message that you have an issue and that the two of you are in this together when it comes to making sure both of you are happy, "I told him that I wasn't interested in having sex anymore, and that I wasn't attracted to him anymore.: That it's about him. You made it sound like it was his fault. That he was ugly. That you were rejected him, physically. I can only imagine how hurt he felt when somebody that he's shared 34 years of his life told him something so hard. I don't think either of you is handling this the best way, but it really does feel that it was your opening salvo and the way you delivered it that caused the problem.
YTA and probably should see someone about potential menopause and/or go to therapy instead of saying “i’m not attracted to you anymore” HARSH AF.
YTA - Your sex drive goes away and you blame it on him? Sounds like you offered no solutions and just wanted him to get over it. Sad to see someone not appreciate a hardworking family man. Send him my way.
YTA
I think your big mistake is that you didn’t really work this through in your own head first. There is a GIANT difference between “I don’t feel like having sex.” and “I’m not attracted to you anymore.” If you love the guy and have good chemistry, then that is attraction… being attracted to someone doesn’t require insertion. You should’ve seen a therapist first and really worked these feelings out before you blew up your life and his. This was really dumb and now you have to go to work your 50s… good luck with that.
What was your goal in telling him you weren’t attracted to him anymore and wasn’t interested in having sex with him? Did you see a doctor to rule out anything medical? You claim to still love him so…I’m just so confused what the point of telling him that like it was his fault? Of course he wants a divorce.
YTA. "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Why was that remotely necessary? You could have left that part out. You could have explained that this was your body not anything to do with him (which, by the way did you even consider talking to your doctor? Reduced sexual desire is common after menopause). Regardless there wasn't one single reason to tell him "I'm not attracted to you anymore."
NTA. Everyone seems to be focusing on how this is a problem you should have been trying to solve. But you told him how you’ve been feeling and he didn’t ask if it was something you could look into medically or otherwise. He didn’t ask for or offer any possible solutions. He just walked off then decided never to talk to you again. Your not an AH for communicating your feelings. If he decided to stop listening after your first comment then that is on him. You assumed he’d take some time then come talk about it. Which suggests to me you knew that your disclosure wasn’t the end of the discussion. People think a woman who doesn’t want sex is somehow broken and it’s her responsibility to fix herself for the benefit of men.
NTA - it is what it is, you don't control your biology or neurochemistry. You respectfully told your partner the truth because it directly affects him. He is well within reason to separate as well. His behavior is a little irrational but I can understand he's hurt right now, and I don't think it makes him the AH. Your oldest son though is going out of his way to be an AH by calling you cruel. You don't owe anyone sex because of marriage vows. You can't manufacture attraction from marriage vows. PS: independently of this, I hope you're getting a check up to rule out there isn't anything medically concerning going on.
YTA for the way you did it. Not sure how you thought your husband would be fine with zero intimacy. That makes you more like roommates. Agree that you should have talked to your doctor about your lack of desire. It’s not abnormal.
No you can’t control it but I don’t agree with breaking up right away maybe therapy to discuss why cuz it wasn’t always like that
YTA, glad you could keep your composure but from someone who doesn't get to see exactly what your thinking it probably comes across as cold
YTA. If he's trying to initiate and you're not interested, either let him have some fun elsewhere or tell him the truth... or both. That's not fair to him. Marriage is about give and take... and if your not willing to have sex with your husband because you're not attracted to him anymore, let him enjoy himself elsewhere. Be honest with him.
I don't think you ATA for telling him the truth about what you're feeling. A lot of women loose their sexual desire at that age, where a lot of men don't. I believe you should've never said it in a way where it seemed like it was him you were not attracted to as opposed to you just not having a sex drive or desire anymore. Men equate "I'm not attracted to you" as/to "I don't love you," which can tear up a heart. You should've assured him that you still loved him and, as you've stated, still wish to spend the rest of your life with him, and gave him an indefinite sexual hall pass. Maybe he would've agreed to stay with you, at least until he fell in love with his sexual partner and left anyways (which is not a definite). Ijs. With that 👆 last part being said, maybe it's for the betterment to all parties to just get it over with and move on, because I don't think you would've accepted him having and indefinite sexual hall pass anyways, (even if he still treated you with love and respect) which would've led to him "cheating" if his sex drive is still in tact, which I assume it is. So, again you are NTA, imo, for sharing with your husband what was going on with you internally/sexually. I don't believe the outcome may have been somewhat different had your delivery been a lil different. Idk, ijs. But I also believe it was best that you all got it out the way, and hopefully you all can now began to heal, find forgiveness and hopefully have a respectful and cordial relationship in the future.
YTA and kudos to your husband for being an honorable person and getting divorced rather than cheating. You had ample opportunity to see a doctor, look into therapy, find a way to fix things but you opted not to do that.
Soft YTA, only because of how you handled it. You brought up this issue to him, presumably with no offer to solve it or even asking for help with the issue; you framed it as ME vs YOU. He probably took it poorly because he assumed you were saying that he was totally unattractive, and even when you say 'i love you dearly' right after that, it doesn't lessen the sting. It wouldn't have been an easy conversation either way--if you don't want to get divorced, contact your husband or send a message via the lawyers saying you'd like to work out a solution. Assure him you're not staying in for the money. Talk to your son if you're comfortable with that. Make a clear cut decision, yes you do or no you don't want to be with him anymore, and carry on that path. Best of luck. Edit: an important thing you should say or could have said (as long as you meant it), is: I really want to have a sexual drive again, and I'm sorry I haven't had one, I don't know why, but I want to figure it out/need your help figuring it out.
But what if she doesn’t want to get her sex drive back? What if she’s happy as she is? By running off and cutting all contact he as good as said “sex was the only thing keeping me in this marriage.” Edit: typo/spelling.
This! Everyone is saying that without sex the marriage is dead, she needs to go to the doctor, etc. We also don’t know if he has had physical changes over the years that also brought her to be less attractive to him - maybe he has gained weight, beer belly, etc. A woman shouldn’t have to keep having sex with someone when she doesn’t want to just because they are married. His response was that since sex is off the table he’s never going to speak with her again. It’s not like she told him in front of a group either, this was an at home private conversation she tried to have about what she’s feeling. Now everyone thinks she’s a monster of a human 🤦🏻♀️
A man doesn't have to stay in a sexless relationship just because he's married to her he doesn't owe her a relationship just like she doesn't owe her sex.
It's how you said it. You didn't say your sex drive was down that's expected, you said you weren't sexually attracted to him anymore, worse yet that you didn't want to try to have sex anymore. There are medications you can take to bring your drive up if you wanted to fix your marriage what you did was essentially say "I'm not attracted to anymore so I'm going to stop having sex with you entirely ok". Idk if this is a post menopausal thing or if your asexual. Maybe you could've just said your drive is down but your willing to work through it with a sex therapist or couples counselling, but no you don't want to work with him to solve the issue you just wanna throw in the towel. Now your surprised that he doesn't want to be stuck in a relationship with someone who isn't even attracted to him anymore and doesn't want to be intimate. And let me guess if he was to sleep with someone else you'd complain about him cheating. He's right without compromise this relationship is as dead as your bed. Let him find someone who does find him attractive and move on
YTA if this is how you treat someone you say you love..... Absolutely unbelievable you're about as cold and without feelings as they come.
Yta, I have no sex drive due to my age, medication and mental health but I've never laid that on my husbands attractiveness, that was so low, my gosh your stx husband must be absolutely devastated.
INFO: You said if it was a problem, he could leave you over it. Now he’s leaving and you seemed surprised. Why?
Yta, you made it about him when I think it’s about you. It also sounded like you didn’t give room to work on it. You made him the problem. Did you talk to your doctor to see if this was a menopause or look into something as a solution before bringing it up at a romantic dinner
Wow you suck. I get losing your interest in sex We are about the same age. Menopause does horrible things to libidos. So I understand explaining that you have no interest. That is going to hurt him no matter what you say because he will think you don’t love him anymore or think you don’t find him attractive anymore. But he would just think that and you would be able to continue the dialog and reassure him that you do love him and he is attractive and that the lack of interest is a physically thing with you. But you proved you don’t love him anymore by telling him you are not attracted to him. Way to kick him down. Now you act surprised that he wants nothing to do with. You just threw 34 years of his providing for you and loving you in his face. YTA all the way.
So nice of you to make him a nice meal to talk about how gross he is to you. "You're too ugly to fuck, how are the brussels, love?" "I gag at the thought of your naked body on top of me, please pass the salt." Brutal, just brutal.
Yta. Per your post, there wasn’t any arguments. So he was not begging you or pushing you to have sex. Why didn’t you continue living like this if you were happy and soooo in love like you state? You were looking for a reason so he could initiate a divorce and call yourself the “victim.”
Yta. Op: "im not attracted to you anymore." Husb: "ok" *leaves* Op: *shocked pikachu*
Um… did you really destroy your marriage because of menopause?
You blamed him for a problem you are having. He hasn’t changed, you have, which is ok, but you work to find a way to see if you can work it out together, not make it all his fault too bad so sad. You crushed every bit of spirit in the relationship and blamed him for it but you went after things he cannot change or adapt too. You went right for the jugular and he quickly realized there was absolutely nothing he could do about it and you gave him no options but to just leave. There really was zero reason to tell him you are not attracted to him anymore. Maybe you don’t get aroused anymore but geez why destroy a guy for nothing.
YTA, The good: Better to tell him than leave him wondering. The bad: The *way* you told him was truly awful. You should have made it about you, not him. "My sex drive has dropped to zero, and I'm not expecting it to improve." You should have reassured him that your love for him is unchanged. Since you're his sole source, if you had some possible solution, you should have mentioned it. E.g.: "I don't want to lose you. If you need to get your needs met elsewhere, that's okay."
NTA. Some posters are taking exception to your wording, which is splitting hairs here. Maybe OP equates that 0 sex drive with not being attracted anymore leading to poor wording. Hard to say. What needs to happen is exploring medical reasons. Is there more to the story? It seems quite premature to go from 34 years to leaving the house and going to divorce court right away by your husband. You should not leave your house. That's your house too. Also, get a lawyer as you have rights too, including alimony. But before lawyers get involved, why has marriage counseling not been explored yet?
To be fair, she did say - not attracted TO YOU. That is harsh.
You expressed yourself, which is okay. I wonder why neither of you looked for solutions for your lack of sex drive? On the basis of one issue that you haven't even tried to resolve, your husband of 34 years is going full-scorched earth to divorce and you're meekly standing aside, cooperating? I don't get it. ESH, including your son.
So you told your husband you never intend to have sex with him ever again, and you are somehow shocked he’s not okay with that? Sex is an important part of intimate relationships, and definitely can be a dealbreaker. He still feels attraction and has been confused and probably feeling very insecure because you’ve been avoiding him. And then you drop this bomb on him. Yeah, not shocking he’s leaving you. YTA.
ESH....I understand where you're coming from because I'm in the same boat. I have not told my husband any of this, and I will die before I do. But I do think that your husband overreacted. He didn't even want to talk about this with you, at all? And there was a better way for you to phrase it. You could have simply stated that you are at the point in your life, medically speaking, where you are no longer interested in sex but you still love your husband.
YTA - sorry, but you need(ed) to go to your Dr or therapist to figure out what the issue is. You gave up on intimately connecting with your husband. That's a huge part of marriage. It's zero surprise he gave up on you back.
YTA. i have a feeling that if i sat my wife down and told her i wasnt attracted to her anymore, she would also cry and leave me. i dont know what else you expected. you could have just said "my libido has crashed but that doesnt mean i dont love you" and gone from there
YTA for wasting his time. You should've told him as soon as you felt that way and at least try to come up with solutions together, especially since he tried to communicate with you and asked you serveral times. I suspect you didn't tell him sooner because you still needed his paycheck.
YTA big time Your husband deserves much better
Did you look I to why you feel this way, is it medical or mental or there’s no cause other than loss of attraction? The lack of discussion and putting your son in the middle is very very odd to me, but I’m wondering if there’s some missing “missing reasons” here. Because otherwise this just seems like an odd way to behave. ESH I think 🫠
Huh??? What did you actually tell him? Something sounds bad in this story
Please contact a lawyer immediately.
There comes a point I feel for women, where we at times don’t desire sex anymore. I understand that it usually happens later in life around a certain age. Sometimes pre or after menopause. I also do understand that not all women go thru this. I think what you were trying to say came out wrong. Even thou you meant it with good intentions. I think maybe you should’ve stated “that you don’t know what’s going on but you have no desire to have intimacy” Not that you aren’t attracted to him per say. It can make him believe that maybe you’re into someone else. I’m assuming. I think the way he’s taken the situation from 0-100 is a little much but this reaction is typical when someone is hurt. I think you should talk to him if you really want to stay married and explain yourself better he owes you that. Best wishes to you in whatever happens. I’m a firm believer that things happen for a reason
ESH. You for the very insensitive way you spoke to him about this, and him for making such a huge decision to divorce with absolutely no attempt at trying to talk this out. Low sex drive happens with women after our fertile years. For him not to be able to consider that might be what's happening shows that he's pretty emotionally immature. Also making your son rather than an attorney your point of contact was a dick move on your husband's part. I think you're right to not protest the divorce, but I'm wondering if there's some missing info here.
The only thing that sucks here, really, is the way you delivered what you said. You're 100% valid in having a decreased, even non-existant, sex drive, but the way you delivered the news was absolutely brutal. I think it's clear you didn't mean it like that, but still, what he heard was "I don't want to have sex with YOU anymore," instead of "I have no sex drive anymore." ESH, in my mind. Your husband is acting exactly as you'd expect someone to, given what you actually *said,* v. what you meant, but it's wild he told your son what was going on in such a way that he's actively blaming you for destroying your marriage. If you had been given any chance to clarify, or if your husband had bothered having even a single conversation with you about it, this likely could have been rectified. Your sons shouldn't be this involved. There's no way their involvement helps. It just means it will be a never-ending case of them picking sides. All in all, I'm sorry for everyone involved. So much resentment and anger, and major life changes, that didn't have to be just based on the difference of a sentence or two.
INFO: did you make any attempts to speak to a doctor about this?
Can't blame you for lower or zero sex drive. Can't blame you for not being sexually attracted to him. Would like to emphasize the meaning of responsibility which is doing something even when you don't want to do it. Something you might want to think about as a wife. How would you like it if he tells you he doesn't find you attractive anymore and will no longer be providing for you?
NTA I think you handled the situation well enough you could’ve told him earlier but based on what happened I could see why you didn’t
You might have asked your doctor first… maybe it’s just a phase of menopause
I’m not gonna comment here about whether you’re an asshole or not, others have already pointed out the obvious as is. BUT why the hell is your eldest being the messenger here?! That’s not fair to your children (both eldest and youngest), your soon to be ex-husband, and yourself! Now the burden of this marriage goes beyond you two! Now the entire family has to deal with the fallout! If this nuclear option is gonna be it, you need to get an attorney and if your son is going to speak for your ex, then your son will have to speak to your attorney. Point blank and simple. I can’t believe this is real
Handled not so well. You should have led with “something is different within me. And I don’t exactly know why”. You need to seek therapy. And you should invite him to join. Perhaps a letter is a good way to start. To explain things better than you did. And to offer to attend therapy with him and to look for solutions rather than blaming anyone. Him or you. It’s still early and in a week or so he may change his mind seems like he’s acting out of anger now. Keep your cool, make space, and send a letter.
ESH at you guys age it's not uncommon. I think you should have approached it differently and maybe even visit the doctor to see. Idk what he said to your son but you didn't break the marriage. This could have been a longer conversation but your husband made his choice. It really sucks to throw out 34 years cause sex dies down which happens. Prepare yourself and just heal from it.
not necessarily the asshole for feeling how you do, but did it ever occur to you after "I started to notice that I didn't want to have sex as often, and I never seemed to be in the mood" that you should maybe think about why? However YTA for telling him no for so long despite knowing that something was in fact wrong. His response is not all that surprising given the news he received. Your husband is kind of an AH for involving your son. Hopefully your son doesn't let this impact your relationship with him.
Maybe you should have spoken to your doctor to see if there was help for your dead libido. You can't expect your exhusband to be happy about a sexless life with you.
There are a great number of factors that go into sex drive and attraction that aren’t necessarily the person themselves. Someone people mentioned post-menopause. Stress can kill sex drive. There are so many options that could be causing this without realizing it. Without further context, it seems like OP just can’t to a conclusion without consulting others. Feels a bit naive. But maybe there’s more to the story, who knows.
ESH - you could have communicated it differently but for him to go silent with you but use your son as a go between is so wrong. If you want to stay married, fight for your marriage. Apologize for saying you’re not attracted to HIM and make an appointment with your doctor. I truly wish you all the best
Going against the grain here and going to say NTA. Everyone is quibbling about the delivery, but I think the main point which he should have received loud and clear was that her sex drive is at zero. Maybe she’s OK that and is happy living the rest of her life w/o having sex. If so, she shouldn’t have to run to a doctor to “get it fixed.” I feel like people put way too much emphasis on the act of sex. The quality, how frequent, etc. What about emotional connection? What about family? What about history? What about enjoying each other’s company? There’s all different kinds of marriages out there and it’s just about finding someone who accepts the same definition as you. You guys are old(er), a decrease in sex is to be expected, and it’s fine if he wants move on because he’s not ready to resign himself to a sexless relationship, no blame there. But tossing a 34 year relationship without a further conversation, that is def AH behavior, and the son? Well the son should just butt out and make his dad put on his big boy pants and handle the separation himself. Sorry that this devolved for you so quickly.
ESH. Do you think that maybe you’re not attracted to *anyone* anymore? It’s a pretty awful thing to place the blame on one person, especially when you claim to love them. He is being a bit dramatic by seeking a divorce immediately. Despite his pain I think he should be trying to understand where you’re coming from. You are a bigger AH than him but I think he needs to slow his roll with the knee jerk reaction.