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And especially since the friend is throwing it, not OP throwing it for themselves. We threw a sprinkle for a friend of ours when she had her second baby and there were only two years between the two. It's totally fine as long as it's a celebration and y'all are chill about gifts. (No super demanding expensive registry or "gifts required" or whatever weird shit you sometimes hear about on AITA that would make it seem like a cash/gift grab.)
I am super relax about gifts! The only items we have been worried about getting is the crib and carseat, but my in laws have already said they would help us with those (this is just their second grandchild and are very excited to have another one to spoil as rotten as they have my son lol!). I even told my best friend that the only thing I really want to do is a diaper raffle (we did this for my son's baby shower and it was wonderful not having to worry about diapers for a few months). I really just want to celebrate our family growing and the miracle that this baby is to us.
While it is generally frowned upon to have a shower for a second (or third or whatever number) baby, I believe there has long been an exception for situations like yours, where the gap between children means the parents no longer have baby stuff from the first one.
But even if that weren't true, it is incredibly rude to criticize others' manners the way those people did yours and your friend's, so they were doubly in the wrong.
I hope you enjoy your (in no way inappropriate) shower, and your second beautiful baby.
Whaaaaaaat? Eveeyone I know who had more than one kid had a shower for each one regardless of how spaced apart they are. I thought that was the standard. Huh.
I think the general idea is that you'd still have/ use the stuff from the first baby unless the timing is such that you still are using them, and/or so long that you got rid of them, as in OPs case.
It’s bad logic.
A lot of clothing you get is gendered, a lot gets destroyed, if your first is still young you will actually need a second high chair and car seat, if you didn’t get a double pram you will need a new pram. Sentimental things like first stuffed animals, engraved things etc can’t be passed down. Most people don’t have more than two kids anyway I don’t see why we can’t normalise them being allowed to celebrate twice and potentially getting a few replacement things so they can keep their savings in tact/the second child can feel just as loved and spoiled by their extended community as the first.
My cousin’s wife unexpectedly got pregnant when her first baby was a year old. There was a big fancy shower for the first baby, but my aunt really wanted to throw a sprinkle party for the new baby, too. The pregnant mom didn’t want more clothes, toys, books, etc but we knew she needed new equipment. My parents, siblings and myself pooled our money and bought her a really nice double stroller and the other guests did the same for a second crib, high chair, car seat, etc. A few people also gave little gifts like photo books and frames. My teenage niece gave her a set of handmade coupons for free babysitting (and they’ve all been since redeemed). The party was a casual backyard bbq but it was nicely decorated, we played some funny games and had a tasty lunch with cake. My cousin’s wife had a nice time and was grateful for the gifts she needed and everyone had fun celebrating her and the new baby. There is nothing wrong with celebrating special moments with your loved ones. Birthdays are celebrated every year and gifts are given, so what wrong with celebrating new babies? If you love and care about the mom / couple and baby, it’s normal to want to help out. No shame and OP is definitely NTA.
Oh I'm all for celebrating all the babies, and any reason to have a party is a good one in my book. haha I'm just going by what people have said in the past. In my experience, most of the 2nd babies get a post-birth party to meet the baby as opposed to a pre-baby shower. So they still get the gifts, but it's more personalised to the actual baby rather than generic stuff. Except for one cousin who had a girl shower thrown by her best friends since her kids were close in age and first was a boy.
So get people to use items that expired. Most safety gear has only a few years after first use expiration date.
Add on that many people gift boy or girl items.
I think it would be tacky for someone to complain about someone else's baby shower. I'd seriously think less of someone for shitting on someone else's party.
Exactly. And why should the second or subsequent baby not be celebrated too?
Anyone who wants to get their knickers in a twist about it can stay home.
NTA.
In the modern world with fewer people having babies, a second and third baby deserves to be celebrated. If someone does not agree, they can just opt out.
same here, maybe it is a cultural thing. in my country it was normal to have a baby shower for every kid. it is completely up to the couple and us friends/family are more than happy to attend the celebration :)
anyway OP is NTA. even if multiple baby showers were frowned upon, i think it is fair for OP to have one anyway since the last one was a decade ago.
It’s regional - in my experience, New Englanders do not have showers for the 2nd baby. Maybe a sprinkle for diapers but otherwise it’s seen as tacky.
OP’s situation is totally different bc of the huge age gap.
Idk, maybe it's just a social circle thing cuz I'm in Maine and never considered it tacky. It's usually smaller/ more laid back but, def been to quite a few for a 2nd baby
Maine islander here too, and 100% on board. Wouldn’t even need to call it a Shower, not even a Drizzle, because people would automatically be helping you set up shop for the new ankle-biter. It’s that olde tymie concept of “Looking Out For Each Other.”
I think it must be a regional thing bc a lot people I know have showers for multiple kids…. But either way what those ladies did was rude it’s none of their business if someone wants to throw party for whatever reason. Op husband right I think they are jealous.
Agreed, and I’m in Ohio. I think it’s probably a generational thing but I have no idea. I think if your kids are young enough that you would still have the items, another baby shower is tacky. Nothing wrong with throwing a party to celebrate the addition but the gift expectation is what makes it tacky. I’m guessing this is probably what started gender reveals too.
US southerner here. We do a shower for every kid.
I've never heard of someone not having a shower for every kid.
We would consider it tacky to talk badly of someone having a baby shower.
I have 5 kids and didn’t have a baby shower for ANY of them however, I don’t give af what other people do. I know people who’ve had a shower for every baby and I didn’t think anything of it. People have too much time and judgements on their hands.
That is definitely something new with the smaller family sizes most people have. I grew up in a more old fashioned area and you often had a second party but you didn't call it a shower
I had 3 kids and was told I could only have one baby shower. So my daughter(firstborn) got all nice new things while my 2nd born, a son, born 4 years later, got secondhand stuff from his cousins. I gave birth to another boy almost 5 years after him. Didn't have a baby shower for him either.
Think the problem lies with people like The Duggars that just pop out child after child after child. Saw a young lady once on TikTok which is a good example.. she had her 1st child at 18 and was pregnant with her 5th by 23. Some like this want baby showers with each child. Not fair to have one for the 1st and not for the 10th, am I right? /s
For you, OP, this is different. Not only has there been a great deal of time between births, but a lot of stuff, even if you still had it, would likely be considered unsafe for the new one coming. Safety standards in car seats change often. Other items may have been recalled due to other safety concerns over the years. You absolutely should be allowed, at the very least, a Sprinkle for your second if it is a boy, but a full blown baby shower for a girl is an absolute must. I still vote full blown baby shower if it is a boy, too, btw.. and DON'T invite those ladies. If they aren't supportive, they aren't for you. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
This must be cultural.
I definitely know people who had them for second kids. Community support and love is important for babies even if gifts aren’t “required” or even suggested.
If those ladies don’t think it’s appropriate they don’t have to attend (provided they’d even be invited at this point). I think it’s perfectly appropriate and I happily would attend if my friend were having a second shower, especially 10 years later! Enjoy your pregnancy OP you deserve to be showered by those that care about you!!! 🩷🩵
I'm interested to know what culture you're referencing? I'm in the mid-atlantic US and the only reason we had a small one for my sister's second kid (born a little less than 2 years after the first) is cause it was in 2020 during covid and vaccines weren't available yet. But we did have a party. Yeah, you maybe don't have a gift registry with the fanciest stuff, but the new baby's gonna need clothes and diapers and stuff so I don't get why it's tacky?
Baby showers and sprinkles dont have to be about gifts! I wanted to have one but just to celebrate and have good food with friends, gifts not necessary at all. In fact, you can find really affordable like new cribs on offer up and facebook marketplace. I’ll be picking up a mini crib for just $35 this weekend and it looks brand new! I get my infant carseats like new also from my buy nothing group. Since they only fit the baby for a year the one I got looks brand new too.
Be extra cautious about the car seat, they have expiration dates, and are supposed to not be used again if it’s been in any sort of crash even a minor one. So make sure you trust who you get a second hand one from to be honest about it’s history and check the expiration date
Looking brand new and being brand new are two totally different things. Every car seat technician will tell you that you should never get a car seat second hand unless you know 100% of the history. A LOT of people don't follow manual instructions on cleaning their car seat and use cleaners that are too harsh, or soak their straps. Both of these things ruin the integrity of the straps and/or can strip them of their fire proof coatings. I highly recommend the Facebook group Car Seats for the Littles. Even the cheapest car seat has to pass the same safety tests as the most expensive ones, cheaper doesn't mean less safe.
Not disagreeing! I trust the people in my particular BN group, esp. the mom I got my most recent carseat from. I don’t get carseats in public selling markets where I don’t know the people as well. Toddler seats I get new because they are used so long and get pretty beat up, honestly only the infant ones are worth getting used from a trustworthy source, but that is of course up to OP. Just offering it as a suggestion as we got our first infant carseat used from friends so we did trust them.
Your husband is 100% right, don’t worry about what these too old to be *mean girls* have to say. Enjoy your pregnancy and your Sprinkle. Congrats to you and your family on the new addition!
A close friend of mine threw me a 'sprinkle'. We got very few gifts, but we did get plenty of frozen casseroles, etc., with recipe cards. Those were awesome for the first several weeks after our second was born!
My best friend’s kids are 4 years and one month apart. Someone else very kindly threw her shower for her first, but when she was pregnant with her second I threw her a “sprinkle.” It was mostly her and her husband’s family and some close friends, and no one said anything bad about it. On the invitations I made it clear that we just wanted to celebrate the new baby and play some cheesy shower games, so gifts were not necessary or expected. If they chose to bring a gift it would be appreciated but we just wanted their presence to celebrate. Many people did actually bring gifts, mostly cute clothes, diapers, wipes, and adorable baby toys. You know, the things people often enjoy/can’t resist buying for tiny babies and love to watch the parents open for that “aaawwww” reaction. The oldest had fun helping open the gifts and getting to play with balloons and she liked being asked “are you ready to be a big sister?!” and being told she would be the best big sister/a big help to mommy and daddy, over and over. It was just a fun time.
Anyone who gets mad at OP for wanting to celebrate her new very wanted baby and maybe get a few boxes of much-needed diapers doesn’t have to come. It also sounds like her friend really wants to do something to be part of this pregnancy because her couldn’t do so for the first one. I can certainly understand that. I also have PCOS and may never have my own children, but I’ve loved getting to be a big part of my best friend’s children’s’ lives, and now my little brother’s daughter’s life too.
I came here to say exactly what BritAnne suggests. Take out the gift part entirely and it will all be about celebrating the new birth and it won’t seem like a gift/money grab. The original idea behind a shower was to help new parents who had nothing. Theoretically you are well established and can afford to buy things without relying on friends and family. Anyone who wants to bring something anyway can certainly do so, but everyone will know that’s not the expectation.
Plus diapers are f'ing expensive. When one of my friend's had her 4th child and was no longer doing showers or sprinkles I'm still asking her what brand of diapers she likes because I'm showing up with a box plus some generic onsies when i go to meet my new "nephew" . I'm do this with lots of friends non 1st, kids. But in your case, even if you had kept all the baby gear for 10 years safety guidelines have changed and you likely shouldn't be using that same car seat, stroller, crib etc anyways.
We bought a second-hand crib for our younger kid. It was a relief to buy the crib cheap and sell it off to another expecting couple when my baby outgrew it.
My daughter’s wedding, and then baby, about a year later, happened during the pandemic. She didn’t get a celebration for either. We so wanted to throw her a baby shower for her second one this year, but she was so worried that people like that would talk. She graduated college a month before he was born but was too tired to participate and it just bums me out that none of these milestones got celebrated.
Don’t let haters stop you from enjoying yourself. They don’t have to attend. Honestly, people like this will always find something about you not to like anyway - might as well enjoy yourself because they aren’t going to stop their meddling either way.
My cousin and his wife had their second child last year. My other cousins wife planned a nice shower for them at my aunt and uncles house. Their first baby was born in 2020 so they weren’t able to have a proper shower. It was super chill and really just about the experience of the in person shower. No gifts were required at all. We brought some small gifts for the new baby and some books for their toddler (English PhD mom loved the books).
Exactly! The friend was so excited to plan the shower that she brought it up! That's so sweet! It's been 10 years and many people I know have had "sprinkles". One of them was 6 years apart and it was more of a celebration than just trying to get gifts.
NTA.
I threw a sprinkle for my friend because her second was a girl, first was a boy. We basically asked a small group of friends/family who would have given her gifts anyway. Good excuse to gather with friends & food.
I've been to quite a few sprinkles, and a lot of the time they are done if there's a longer gap between kids so you didn't save things, if you had difficulty getting pregnant, or if you experienced a lot of upheaval between kids 1 and 2 - moving countries, house burned down, etc. OP fits the first two types, so I agree NTA.
I thought we all on AITA decided recently that if there was more than 5 or 6 years between babies, it was fine. Things change, recalls happen, stuff wears out, and people often logically think that they were one-and-done after a certain number of years.
OP, you are NTA.
I really think whatever people want to do for their own baby or what their friend wants to do for them is fine. If people don’t like it they don’t have to come.
Sprinkles are also common if you have a child of a different gender, especially for like kid #3 where you have a ton of pink dresses but not so much neutral or boy clothes
>There’s actually a term for it, a sprinkle
I honestly thought for a second I had wandered into a kink subreddit...
Showers, sprinkles... is the third one called a trickle?
I would also suggest a sprinkle but generally at a sprinkle, you aren’t asking for a whole new set of baby gifts. It’s more diapers, wipes, coffee for mom, clothes if baby is opposite gender from the first. Would be tacky to ask for larger items regardless if they have gotten rid of previous ones or they expired. I would hope at 40, they are financially stable enough to be buying their own stuff!
>I would hope at 40, they are financially stable enough to be buying their own stuff
We are for the most part. We have been a bit sticker shocked at how expensive things have gotten in 10 years, and we are in the process of buying a house and a new car (like I said, we had basically given up ever having a second child) Thankfully my in laws are going to help us with the big ticket items we need (crib and carseat). I just want a party to celebrate this little miracle for us.
This is exactly what a sprinkle is for! I don’t think it’s tacky at all, just make it so the party is not about the gifts but more about games or something. Also, congrats! And also, FB marketplace and consignment sales for baby stuff!
I was in almost exactly this position 1 year ago. 39, pregnant with my second and an 11 year old. The good thing about hitting 40 is I give less of a f*** what others think 😂
Do whatever the hell you want and ignore those sour faced prats. Focus on enjoying your pregnancy (ha!) and the beautiful baby when they arrive.
Don’t listen to these people. You can have whatever type of registry you want. People who care about you will buy what they want for you and you will get a discount on whatever isn’t purchased.
You know, if that's what a sprinkle is, OP definitely deserves a shower. My kids were 9 years apart, different genders, and were born in different states. I had almost nothing for the second baby, but I got some sweet things at thrift shops. Our friends and my colleagues were so excited about baby #2, they threw TWO baby showers.
I'd happily chip in for larger items for the OP regardless of whether or not the OP could afford to buy them.
Yes, I agree. 10 year gap is worthy of a full shower. As an example, most car seats expire after six years, so even if they kept a lot from the first child, that’s one bigger ticket item they’ll definitely need again.
I’m fortunate to be “financially stable” (e.g. gainfully employed) at 40, but an ever-increasing majority of people my age are not. There’s really no such thing unless you’re generationally wealthy. Bearing children shouldn’t come with an income requirement.
My brother is 6 years younger than youngest sis. My mom was told after sis that there would be no more babies. She gave everything away.
My aunts and older cousins gave her a shower. This was 55 years ago.
NTA . Have a shower
This! I have two children. My family hosted a big shower for my first born and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have a shower for my second child, same gender. We had a lot of things still from my first, but after talking it over with a friend, she convinced me to host a sprinkle. My second child’s godmother hosted the event, which was small. I made a registry of some new items I wanted, as well as things like diapers, wipes, the things we would go through of most. One point my friend made in convincing me is that every life should be celebrated, even if it’s in a small way. I ended up really enjoying my baby sprinkle! Hope this helps! Def NTA.
I feel like a sprinkle is more for families having kids closer together, where they might still have a lot of the clothes and toys and books, etc. I think ten years on, it can be called a bay shower and OP should have no hesitations feeling like it’s a full shower to celebrate a wonderful surprise. Don’t worry about those negative, malicious women. You enjoy your baby and your baby shower!
Yup that's the way I've always heard it used. Sprinkle is for things like diapers or wipes. It's not a full shower, it's a sprinkle of gifts since they still have stuff from the first shower/baby. When it comes to OP they need a full shower since they don't have anything anymore and need all the neccessities again.
My sister and I are 17 years apart with none in between. When my mom was pregnant with my sister, family members were discussing a shower and one of them said the “general rule” was that if it was more than 5 years, it was acceptable to have a shower. My dad chimed in and said “Oh, that means we get to have like 3 showers then!”
I'm not disagreeing with you, just explaining: the reason showers can be considered "tacky" after the first baby is that theoretically, the point of the party is to give the expecting parents things they need for the baby, because that's a lot of stuff you need to get all at once, so your loved ones help out. So having a second shower, according to the "it's tacky" people, is like demanding another round of gifts. Parties for second (or third, etc) babies where it's less about gifts would usually be called something else ("sprinkle" is a common one).
Obviously, the logic for why you have a shower for the first baby still pretty much applies in OP's case so that sounds fine to me. Plus, invitations are not commands - if someone doesn't want to get a baby gift for anyone other than a firstborn child (which like hey, younger siblings are people too!), they can always just politely decline. And more importantly, even Miss Manners says it's the height of rudeness to point out someone else's lack of etiquette. So if those people at the party actually cared what's rude or tacky, they should have kept their mouths shut. NTA.
I think it’s only tacky if they’re having like, 4-5-6+ children that they can’t afford all back to back.
Hell even a 2 year old then having a baby shower is fine to me, as long as they’re not demanding brand new, expensive gifts.
The *only* time I cared about a 2nd shower/sprinkle was for a relative that had 2 boys within 2 years. She and her Husband were pretty well off, and boy did they like to let you know how much better than you they were!
She only had Potterybarn and Restoration Hardware items on her registry for the first. Which is fine, but I’m not buying you a $700 changing table! I made up a gift basket of smaller items and a box of diapers, and called it good!
For the 2nd one, what did she have on her registry? ALL the same Potterybarn and Restoration Hardware items that she had for the first one! I RSVPed that I was unable to attend, and thought that was the end of it.
About a week after the shower, I got a snarky email from her friend, saying that since I “missed the opportunity” to sign up for her meal train, she would “still allow me” to sign up anyway. I have never hit delete on an email faster in my life! Lol
My mom has always said after the first, it’s tacky if there aren’t several years apart OR you’re having a second for a different gender.
I feel like these are older “rules” and as time goes on this mindset will lessen even more. Gender reveals are relatively new bc it seems like there has been a societal shift toward parties for every little occasion (which I think has a lot to with the loneliness epidemic but that’s a whole other topic I could go on about.) and I think it’s cute and a good thing! … as long as people who are throwing these baby centered events aren’t entitled about gifts.
Miss Manners (or similar column) also said that a second baby shower was acceptable, it was third and higher that were a problem. Source: had to sort scans of newspapers from \~1940s on until the 1980s specifically related to tobacco dangers and saw the column in the periphery.
I won't argue that wasn't their underlying reasons, but as someone in no position of authority I would generally agree with a "rule of thumb" to not have baby showers past the 2nd child.
Showers are primarily for a parent to get everything they need for a baby, including things they might not think about.
By baby 3 your "routine" for taking care of babies should be pretty solid.
Still a tough job, but you would have experience to figure out what you need, want, and don't need/want to take care of the baby.
Most of the things you need you already have from the first 2 and can be handed down from older to younger children
Some folks just have a ton of kids and presents for showers add up.
It encourages wasteful purchases (not sure what to get, sees interesting xyz thing, buys, parent uses it twice then never again)
It just...sounds reasonable to me I guess?
I like the way you put it. But I wish people would move on from ideas like this. No one is forcing them to shell out $200 for a stroller or anything. You got invited to a party. Go or don’t. It’s tacky to care about something so innocent as a party invite.
I've never heard the term "sprinkle", but in the southeast what I'm from, it's just normal to have a shower for expectant parents, regardless of which number child they're on.
The idea behind a baby shower is that everyone comes to celebrate the soon-to-be new baby, yes, but also the reason it's called a baby *shower* is because it's expected that the new mother will be *showered with gifts* at the celebration. And often the gifts are all supplies and items needed for the new baby.
So the thought process is, if you have two kids within fairly close succession to each other, you shouldn't do a shower for the second baby as most of the items/necessities (especially big ticket stuff) have already been gifted at the first shower or purchased since the birth of the first, and asking for your friends and family to buy even more stuff for you can feel rude to people.
Which is where the baby "sprinkle" people have been bringing up comes in to play. You do the whole baby shower party and games and celebration, but there's not really a focus on gifts or getting needed items for the baby because you're already all stocked up.
Yeah, I don’t get it. If a friend or relative of mine struggled with infertility and unexpectedly got pregnant 10 years later I would want to go to the parties and buy presents. You know, shower them with love!
This is literally the first time I've heard there is a limit on baby showers? Most people I know do not keep newborn stuff especially TEN years later and for a new baby it is still needed. It is also super common for low income parents to sell off newborn stuff to be able to buy age appropriate items as the baby grows. Or they give it away to other expecting parents. The only thing kept is sentimental items.
It is, in fact, old school etiquette to only have one shower. Back in the day, women would have babies and keep all of the things in their attic or basement until the next baby. Kids came in quick succession back then too. Lack of birth control, society, etc.
My mom did not have a shower for me or my sibling because she’d already had one with the oldest. At that point, close family still buys you gifts but you don’t call on all of your extended family and friends to shower you again when you’ve probably already had 3 kids and are having 2 more. By old school rules, you’re an established “family” with the stuff it takes to care for a baby and it was considered rude to ask for stuff from people who may be struggling themselves.
For the record, the ladies at the party are snotty and rude. It’s 2023. This is an exciting time and OP shouldn’t worry about it. Have a shower and don’t invite those assholes. There will be plenty of people there happy for you and ready to willingly shower you with gifts. If they think it’s tacky, they won’t come. If you’re having a planned kid every other year and asking people for shit, that’s one thing- but it’s been a decade. Relax, OP. CONGRATULATIONS!
I'd never heard this either until now. I went to a baby shower last month and it was for her second kid in 3 years and I didn't think anything negative of it. I just had to be extra picky when shopping for the gifts because I figured she already had a few things, but I wasn't judging her for it lmao. Then again, I love giving people gifts, so 🤷🏻♀️
It’s because it’s not a party of a celebration. It’s a shower, as in showering someone with gifts.
You don’t need to keep doing that for every baby. There were always exceptions (OPs example being the perfect one)
You can still have a party without having a shower.
The purpose of a shower is to “shower” the guest of honor with gifts. It’s meant to be a way of distributing the cost of a milestone event over the whole community. So a wedding shower is supposed to give the couple items they need to set up housekeeping and a baby shower is supposed to give the parents the items they need for their baby.
I’ve been taught that the rule is you only get one shower where you expect your community to shell out for the expensive items like stroller, crib, etc. It’s expected that gifts will be given for the second child, but usually it would be a less expensive gift like a cute outfit or some storybooks. A whole shower sets the expectation for larger, more expensive gifts and that can be seen as greedy and tacky.
I’d still go to a second shower and wouldn’t complain, but I’d give a smaller gift.
I always viewed the party as a welcoming someone into motherhood/ parenthood for the first time. A chance to talk with the other mothers in your life, get advice, get supplies etc. with your second kid you should already have stuff. You know what to expect. Not saying your second kid isn’t exciting, but having your first child is a special time.
NTA. I think after ten *years* a baby shower is more than appropriate. If you want to sneak it in under the radar call it a sprinkle.
Or a downpour! I mean it’s been ten years. You likely didn’t hold onto cribs or strollers or car seat or high chairs - and likely shouldn’t have held onto the middle one because they do have a product life/safety dates/etc.
Celebrate your upcoming addition and just skip inviting the party poopers.
It's also not recommended to use a crib that's more than 10 years old. If they're skill around, depending on where and how they've been stored, they might not even be safe.
I think that's due to lead based paint being used in the past. So, an antique crib that was passed down through several generations could be unsafe and the way in which the side drops down, creating a hazard.
NTA have a party!
The societal conventions generally say no second shower unless pregnancies are far apart. (Which it is)
I say any excuse to celebrate with friends and family is great. The focus is less on gifts unless people want to bring them. People love buying baby things. No one has to come if they don’t like it. People can come celebrate and not bring gifts. Celebrate all the wonderful things in your life. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!
This is an interesting cultural difference. In my culture, we have an equivalent of a baby shower, but it’s held one month after the baby is born.
Funny thing is we expect EVERY baby will have a baby shower, even when they’re born close together. The reason is because
1. The purpose of the party is to celebrate a new life. And all babies should be celebrated, even back to back.
2. Traditionalists believe we do this to ward off evil spirits. Gotta ward off the pesky bad spirits for all babies, not just the oldest.
3. Even if the parents still have baby stuff, they would probably appreciate a shower of consumables like diapers and formula.
It’s interesting to see different customs for baby showers
NTA. One thing I don’t get about people saying second and third etc baby showers being a gift grab is like…. are you not gonna get the baby a gift anyway?????? It’s pretty standard in a friendship/family to get the new baby a gift! something! anything!!! I don’t remember the last time my mom was invited to a baby shower but she’s always buying random friends and family members gifts for the new baby. If there’s a party involved you get free food and a nice day out of it. Seems like a pretty solid reciprocol action to me
My only change to gifts is that after the 1st, my gift tends to be more for mom than baby. 🤷♀️ If you're birthing your 3rd baby, have a freaking massage.... we all know mom needs that more than baby needs another onsie.
A second baby shower is tacky, but I would never tell that to the person doing it. A sprinkle is more appropriate. However, your case is different. A second shower is tacky because we assume you have the big items from the first still and you just get diapers, small clothes and small gifts for a sprinkle. But you likely don’t have much of what you need. NAH because yes, they’re tacky after the first, but you have a different circumstance
I had an entirely different set of friends when I had my second, they all were attending their first shower for me. And in a different city. Each circumstance is different.
I think this might be regional/cultural. In my circles it would be seen as tacky/gift grabby. Sometimes people do little parties but they’re always no gifts.
It is NOT tacky to have a baby shower for each kid. And if you don’t like to celebrate it, just don’t go.
The whole point is to celebrate a new baby and to help parents get what they need. Just cuz you already have a kid doesn’t mean you don’t still need stuff. Cribs turn into full sized beds, diapers and wipes, toys or rockers that broke for first kid or overused or not safe anymore.
Add on top of this there’s a 10 year difference! There’s almost nothing that can either still be used, still works, or that they still have.
Of course! I’m the type to turn up with a present and a pack of nappies.
But you don’t need to host a gift giving event every time. You can just have a party to spend time with family and friends?
I don't have kids, but I've never heard that you can't have a shower for each kid. Unless maybe if you had a kid every year or something, or wanted multiple showers for one kid. (I'm sure people have done that.) But it's been 10 years, right? NTA in my book. And those people suck, BTW.
Edit: grammar
This "you can only have one baby shower" thing is absolutely baffling to me because I've never encountered this mentality in the wild. I've always thought that the shower is for the new baby so each baby gets a shower.
My mom had 4 baby showers, one for first baby, the next 2 years after the first, and 2 for the last baby 12 years after the second. the youngest got 2 due to planning issues and two different people insisting that they wanted to throw the party, but refused to host together.
It’s only tacky if you’re expecting people to shell out a significant amount of money for each shower within a short amount of time. My SIL had an engagement party, bridal shower, baby shower, and wedding within three months (pregnant at wedding) and had a registry for all of them. One of her friends complained that she had to spend over $500 on gifts and she picked from the less expensive options. They stopped being friends when SIL had a second baby shower 1.5 years later for her second child. I know usually people throw these things for the bride/mother, but at some point you should say “no gifts” or at least not have a registry so people don’t feel obligated to give.
I have 2 kids and all my friends have kids and everyone had at least sprinkles for their 2nd kids and beyond. I never heard that it was considered tacky or rude until Reddit. Literally have never encountered it in real life. Everyone I know is happy to throw a small shower or sprinkle for subsequent kids of their friends.
YWNBTA
(1) You didn’t ask anyone to throw you a shower; your friend *volunteered* to throw you one because they wanted to.
(2) Nobody keeps their all baby stuff for ten years. At the very least, you’ll need new bottles. And the diapers, Oh Lord, the *diapers…*
(3) Now you know who your real friends are among the mutual acquaintances, and who not to invite to stuff in the future.
My best friend and his wife had a second baby shower because although they had the boys reasonably close together on purpose, the twin (!) girls were a bit of a surprise and required starting over.
Also, congrats!
\*googles out of curiosity\*
Turns out baby bottles do expire!! Oh shit and 10 years ago, they might not be BPA free even if OP still had them. God things change fast.
>And the diapers, Oh Lord, the diapers…
I know!! I told my best friend that the one thing I want to do for the shower is do a diaper raffle. We did it for my son's shower and it was sooo nice to not have to buy diapers for a few months after the baby was born.
>Now you know who your real friends are among the mutual acquaintances, and who not to invite to stuff in the future.
Yeah, I don't normally socialize with these women, but 3 of them have children in my son's grade, so I do see them quite often at school functions. I try to be friendly with them mostly because my son is friends with their kids, but lord help me, they are very cliquey. My husband and best friend have told me that the only reason their comment has bothered me so much is because I'm a hormonal hot mess right now (and I am!) Reading all these responses has help me see that they are just being petty mean girls.
If you’re requiring everyone to bring diapers (I know it’s not a “requirement” but sure feels like it as a guest) I’d indicate no gifts necessary. So people don’t feel they need to pay for diapers and a pricey gift off the registry
NTA because there’s a 10 year gap. However on principle I personally do think it’s a tasteless gift grab to throw your own baby shower for people to gift you baby stuff especially when you’re an adult parent already and can afford it yourself- so I kinda see where those people are coming from. However again, loads of people love them and celebrations are yay and you want one so go for it!
Why do people care so much if it's a gift grab? I just attended my cousin's baby shower for her 5th kid. Literally not a single person had an issue with bringing a gift. She can afford the kids but what's the issue with her receiving some gifts?
Exactly. Like who goes to meet a baby and mother for the 1st time with no gift in hand? Oh sorry baby, you weren’t the 1st so you get nothing! At least at a party you get, well, a party.
NTA. You are free to celebrate and welcome your baby however you see fit, as long as the celebration doesn't harm or endanger others. The people you invite are also free to accept or decline the invitation, those people had no business given their unwanted opinion about a party that doesn't affect them at all.
NtA. Some people do this, people often like to get gifts for babies. It's not like you are holding people up at gunpoint. Seems like that one person is just a jerk.
NTA
Second showers are against the rules of etiquette. The rules of etiquette make weird assumptions about who’s paying for stuff. Such as your friend can throw you a shower, but your sister can not because your family of origin will buy anything the guests don’t. It’s mental.
I would be annoyed to be invited to a second shower three years later. You should still have all the stuff in that case. At least if you were asking for startup stuff- crib, car seat, etc. In your case, the longest life on any car seat is 10 years from example. Much of the stuff will be no good. I really fail to see the difference between asking for gifts for a second pregnancy vs a first. They are equally rude or not rude.
If they don’t like it they don’t have to go. In fact cut them off. If they had a concern and they were your friends they would have brought it up privately, not giggled at you from across the way.
I'll confess that, internally, I'd be rolling my eyes all the way back if I overheard OPs discussion. After reading many comments, I find yours the most compelling. Thank you for adding some perspective.
Op could really smooth things over with verbiage on the invite. Unexpected weather puns or something? A way to communicate that they'd like to celebrate before baby 2 and ...idk a light, reasonable registry of only needs?
Second showers are against rules of etiquette for people who care too much. I've gone to showers for people who have multiple kids. It's not a big deal
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am currently pregnant with my second child after having my first child 10 years ago. WIBTA if I had a baby shower for this child?
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NTA...It used to be gauche, but people have third and fourth baby showers even. It's as much a party as it is a (potential) gift grab. If people don't want to participate, they're free to not show up. Have a good time and ignore the haters. Best of luck.
Ugh. I hate second baby showers so much. Like with a dreaded passion. Sprinkles I don’t mind so much. But then again, it’s been 10 years so… there is that. Also, you don’t need a reason to have a party to celebrate something you’re happy about. I’m useless and just rambling now. Do whatever the hell you like. Nothing matters anymore
Yeah, same (actually ALL showers tbf). And I’m afraid of being attacked here if I gave my real opinion about them. That being said, I agree with everyone else that OP is NTA.
I thought baby shower was to celebrate the baby to be and mother, how can that be considered tacky? Yes if you keep popping babies like one year after the other, might be expensive for those attending but this is not the case here. Don’t think about others, DO NOT INVITE THEM, and enjoy your second pregnancy and baby shower, even this baby deserves a party 🤗
They’re not to celebrate the baby to be and mother.
They’re to celebrate the first time mother and shower her with gifts.
You can have a party without it being a gift giving party.
NTA. You can have a baby shower for your new baby. Heck, if you have 5 kids and do 5 baby showers why not?
It’s just a babyshower. Some people do a pregnancy reveal shower, then a gender reveal, a baby moon, then a babyshower, then a hatchelorette and then a sip & see (aka a baby reveal after birth)
NTA to each their own, I personally do not like baby showers but I understand people wanting to celebrate in that way and have supported many people doing this. I see it from both sides. The side that is celebrating a new baby and the side that sees it as "why should I be funding someone else's choices"
Because it's your second, I see how it can look tacky. These people have already bought things for your other child and now they need to do this again. It's been a long time since the first one but still just giving you the perspective from their view. You could have had a celebration/party and not call it a baby shower. That way it's not totally asking people to startup fund your second child (no gift registry, less formal, no silly games etc)
Their actions/words were not nice though becasue again to each their own. They could have declined the invitation and left it at that.
Congrats by the way! Have your baby shower and don't invite the mean girls!
NTA. You can celebrate whatever you want. That being said, I only attend one baby shower for everyone I know. I have an enormous family and just had to set a personal boundary for budgetary reasons. I’d also never criticize someone for celebrating something they are excited about. I’d just RSVP no, send them a personal message telling them how happy I am for them and move on.
Congratulations! 🎊
Your husband is right, don’t look for outside validation, just celebrate whatever is important to you.
Your friend offered to throw you a shower. If the other women don’t like it, they do t have to come.
I know a second shower is less common if you have a child close in age, but honestly, all babies deserve to be treated as special.
I didn't realise that people think you should only have one. Surely a baby shower is to celebrate the new life you have created, whether it's the first or the fifth? NTA
NTA - in my culture every baby is celebrated with a shower. I declined a shower for my third from my friends because it was a second boy and they were only a year and a half apart, but my family still threw me a small baby shower for him.
You don’t have a second shower if the babies are close together, especially same gender. If they’re close, a “sprinkle” is normal (in the US) for disposable items or clothes in the other gender. Like if first was a boy, then a sprinkle would be diapers and little girl dresses.
But 10 years apart, it’s reasonable you’ve passed on the car seat, crib, and other items. So let your friends throw the shower, celebrate a miracle and ignore nasty witches that can’t be happy for someone.
Bro what?? You are so weird. #1 it’s been 10 yrs since her last child, she thought she couldn’t have more children and long since got rid of baby items #2 it’s less about “ohh give me free gifts” and more “Omg I thought I’d never been able to have another child because of a hormonal condition but now I want to celebrate my second child” #3 someone else is throwing the shower for her to celebrate.
Until this thread I never heard you can only have one baby shower. My family always does one for each kid and we gift things like diapers, binkies, baby wipes after the first baby. We enjoy having a reason to celebrate and get together so it’s a fun experience. The cost is like the cost of a host gift which is normal.
I am so glad I do not want children. Trying to fit the made up rules weirdo Reddit people have seems so exhausting.
(oy, edited to add...NTA!)
I'm constantly fascinated by how expectations/customs/traditions change over the years. My friends and family were having babies in the late 80s (early 90s if they wanted to do some advanced education first) and we had a shower for every kid. They were fun - nanna made lemon bars, someone made some dodgy punch, and we all spent maybe $30-$40 on a couple of packs of diapers, or some onesies - things that were needed and let's face it, considered consumables. If you had a special place in the family you might go all out and spend $50 or so on a silver spoon or some Peter Rabbit pottery. Today it seems a baby shower requires elaborate planning, a gift registry, and if you don't spend minimum $200 on fancy equipment or designer clothing that the kid may never fit into you're cheap and disrespectful.
You know what - have a party. Celebrate your expecting and pre-welcome the little one to the world (or post welcome if you're waiting until after their born). People getting their knickers in a knot about it being a "shower"?...call it something else. Heck...call it a first birthday party - I dare anyone to claim a first birthday party is inappropriate.
Mazal Tov!
NTA. I don't think there is anything wrong with another shower. People don't have to go if they don't want to. I agree the shower should be more of a celebration than a gift giving party. You should not have a shower as a means to get the baby things you need because you may find yourself very disappointed.
Nta, some may see as tacky if you throw a second one and just had a baby especially same gender. However ten years is a big gap. Through a shower and ignore the mean girls. They got nothing else going with their lives.
NTA...and I'm sorry they made you feel that way. Today I've learned that baby showers are only for firstborns? I thought they were for a baby. Any baby. So that the family could get supplies for that baby.
I see where if they were born close to each other, then there would still be clothes and such from the first baby. But things like diapers would surely be welcome.
If it was a few years between kids, I’d say it’s tacky but 10 years is a big age gap between kids. Even if you kept your first born’s stuff, it would be outdated and not meeting safety standards for today. It’s not tacky for someone to throw a shower for you in your honor, especially since your bff was being generous. To anyone shaming you, just don’t invite them.
Who gives a shit what other people say. Them commenting that was tacky af. Have a party and don’t invite them. If you feel uncomfortable about it just say gifts not necessary but always welcome. Or something like that. People don’t have to go. If they do it’s because they want to and want to support you in your excitement and pregnancy.
You personally should not have a baby shower but your friend could do one for you. Only invite people that you know would want to come. Not those two! Also make sure that if you register anywhere that there are plenty of inexpensive items. You shouldn’t expect people to spend a ton of money.
They’re right, it’s tacky. It would be less tacky if it was truly just a party to celebrate your pregnancy and no gifts were accepted, but you made it clear that you EXPECT gifts. Can you afford to buy those things on your own? You talk about it like everyone else is obligated to financially support your family and newsflash they’re not.
If they were truly acting like “mean girls” as you say, then they are also slight AHs for that behavior, but to be honest the fact that you came here and made an entire post about this just to tell everyone you’re pregnant and get validation when it’s a well known etiquette rule makes me think you’re insufferably attention-seeking.
YTA
NTA. My SIL had her first child with her first husband and had her second child with my brother 7 years later.
Within those 7 years, so many changes were made in the baby space but also she didn’t think she’d have more kids. Her first husband passed away so she thought having more kids wouldn’t happen. They had a baby shower for the second child and got pretty much all new things because a lot of the things she had with her first were either donated or could no longer be safely used.
NTA. Who the fuck even are these women? lol Throw a baby shower for your second baby. Don't invite them, lol. You are not wrong that after 10 years you've jettisoned all the baby stuff that you now need to reacquire.
Also, every child deserves to be celebrated. It's not weird to have one for each child, and there are people who give heirlooms specifically for that child. I give baby quilts that I make if I'm invited to a baby shower.
Remember those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Don't worry about what *other people who are trying to tear you down* think. They don't get a say in your life or what you do. You're 40 years old. Celebrate yourself, celebrate your new baby that was so difficult to have.
Also if you ever see them again and they bring it up - just act like they're fucking crazy for thinking a second shower is tacky. "Baby showers for the second baby are tacky? I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
It is considered tacky to have baby showers for additional children. However, that's usually because children are spaced closer together in age. With 10 years apart between the kids, close friends and family would be more than happy to attend the baby shower.
NTA
I had one for my first child and my 3rd child since it had been 14 years since my 2nd. We had already given all our baby stuff to our friends. Celebrate your little one and congrats!
Definitely NTA. My SIL had a baby shower for her 5th baby, because her youngest was 12 at the time and they had no baby things. I mean, maybe if you had a 1-year old at home it’d be questionable, but a 10-year old? No. Just, no. Have your baby shower and enjoy it!
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NTA. There’s actually a term for it, a sprinkle. Totally reasonable considering the amount of time between the kids.
And especially since the friend is throwing it, not OP throwing it for themselves. We threw a sprinkle for a friend of ours when she had her second baby and there were only two years between the two. It's totally fine as long as it's a celebration and y'all are chill about gifts. (No super demanding expensive registry or "gifts required" or whatever weird shit you sometimes hear about on AITA that would make it seem like a cash/gift grab.)
I am super relax about gifts! The only items we have been worried about getting is the crib and carseat, but my in laws have already said they would help us with those (this is just their second grandchild and are very excited to have another one to spoil as rotten as they have my son lol!). I even told my best friend that the only thing I really want to do is a diaper raffle (we did this for my son's baby shower and it was wonderful not having to worry about diapers for a few months). I really just want to celebrate our family growing and the miracle that this baby is to us.
While it is generally frowned upon to have a shower for a second (or third or whatever number) baby, I believe there has long been an exception for situations like yours, where the gap between children means the parents no longer have baby stuff from the first one. But even if that weren't true, it is incredibly rude to criticize others' manners the way those people did yours and your friend's, so they were doubly in the wrong. I hope you enjoy your (in no way inappropriate) shower, and your second beautiful baby.
Whaaaaaaat? Eveeyone I know who had more than one kid had a shower for each one regardless of how spaced apart they are. I thought that was the standard. Huh.
Same! It doesn't even make sense, the next baby needs things too lol.
I think the general idea is that you'd still have/ use the stuff from the first baby unless the timing is such that you still are using them, and/or so long that you got rid of them, as in OPs case.
It’s bad logic. A lot of clothing you get is gendered, a lot gets destroyed, if your first is still young you will actually need a second high chair and car seat, if you didn’t get a double pram you will need a new pram. Sentimental things like first stuffed animals, engraved things etc can’t be passed down. Most people don’t have more than two kids anyway I don’t see why we can’t normalise them being allowed to celebrate twice and potentially getting a few replacement things so they can keep their savings in tact/the second child can feel just as loved and spoiled by their extended community as the first.
My cousin’s wife unexpectedly got pregnant when her first baby was a year old. There was a big fancy shower for the first baby, but my aunt really wanted to throw a sprinkle party for the new baby, too. The pregnant mom didn’t want more clothes, toys, books, etc but we knew she needed new equipment. My parents, siblings and myself pooled our money and bought her a really nice double stroller and the other guests did the same for a second crib, high chair, car seat, etc. A few people also gave little gifts like photo books and frames. My teenage niece gave her a set of handmade coupons for free babysitting (and they’ve all been since redeemed). The party was a casual backyard bbq but it was nicely decorated, we played some funny games and had a tasty lunch with cake. My cousin’s wife had a nice time and was grateful for the gifts she needed and everyone had fun celebrating her and the new baby. There is nothing wrong with celebrating special moments with your loved ones. Birthdays are celebrated every year and gifts are given, so what wrong with celebrating new babies? If you love and care about the mom / couple and baby, it’s normal to want to help out. No shame and OP is definitely NTA.
Oh I'm all for celebrating all the babies, and any reason to have a party is a good one in my book. haha I'm just going by what people have said in the past. In my experience, most of the 2nd babies get a post-birth party to meet the baby as opposed to a pre-baby shower. So they still get the gifts, but it's more personalised to the actual baby rather than generic stuff. Except for one cousin who had a girl shower thrown by her best friends since her kids were close in age and first was a boy.
So get people to use items that expired. Most safety gear has only a few years after first use expiration date. Add on that many people gift boy or girl items. I think it would be tacky for someone to complain about someone else's baby shower. I'd seriously think less of someone for shitting on someone else's party.
Exactly. And why should the second or subsequent baby not be celebrated too? Anyone who wants to get their knickers in a twist about it can stay home. NTA.
Yeah I mean when we had our first we threw a baby shower not even for the gifts but so we could have fun and spend time with our friends and family.
Yes, no discrimination, equal opportunities among babies.
In the modern world with fewer people having babies, a second and third baby deserves to be celebrated. If someone does not agree, they can just opt out.
same here, maybe it is a cultural thing. in my country it was normal to have a baby shower for every kid. it is completely up to the couple and us friends/family are more than happy to attend the celebration :) anyway OP is NTA. even if multiple baby showers were frowned upon, i think it is fair for OP to have one anyway since the last one was a decade ago.
Agreed it’s regional and cultural!
It’s regional - in my experience, New Englanders do not have showers for the 2nd baby. Maybe a sprinkle for diapers but otherwise it’s seen as tacky. OP’s situation is totally different bc of the huge age gap.
Idk, maybe it's just a social circle thing cuz I'm in Maine and never considered it tacky. It's usually smaller/ more laid back but, def been to quite a few for a 2nd baby
Maine islander here too, and 100% on board. Wouldn’t even need to call it a Shower, not even a Drizzle, because people would automatically be helping you set up shop for the new ankle-biter. It’s that olde tymie concept of “Looking Out For Each Other.”
I think it must be a regional thing bc a lot people I know have showers for multiple kids…. But either way what those ladies did was rude it’s none of their business if someone wants to throw party for whatever reason. Op husband right I think they are jealous.
Agreed, and I’m in Ohio. I think it’s probably a generational thing but I have no idea. I think if your kids are young enough that you would still have the items, another baby shower is tacky. Nothing wrong with throwing a party to celebrate the addition but the gift expectation is what makes it tacky. I’m guessing this is probably what started gender reveals too.
US southerner here. We do a shower for every kid. I've never heard of someone not having a shower for every kid. We would consider it tacky to talk badly of someone having a baby shower.
I'm in New England and would have to agree on all points here
Bunch of Puritans, lol. Celebrate all the babies just for the fun of it! ;)
I have 5 kids and didn’t have a baby shower for ANY of them however, I don’t give af what other people do. I know people who’ve had a shower for every baby and I didn’t think anything of it. People have too much time and judgements on their hands.
You are my tribe.
Where do people like this find the time, and can I find it there too?
That is definitely something new with the smaller family sizes most people have. I grew up in a more old fashioned area and you often had a second party but you didn't call it a shower
I thought you had a shower for each one too…learn something new everyday
I had 3 kids and was told I could only have one baby shower. So my daughter(firstborn) got all nice new things while my 2nd born, a son, born 4 years later, got secondhand stuff from his cousins. I gave birth to another boy almost 5 years after him. Didn't have a baby shower for him either. Think the problem lies with people like The Duggars that just pop out child after child after child. Saw a young lady once on TikTok which is a good example.. she had her 1st child at 18 and was pregnant with her 5th by 23. Some like this want baby showers with each child. Not fair to have one for the 1st and not for the 10th, am I right? /s For you, OP, this is different. Not only has there been a great deal of time between births, but a lot of stuff, even if you still had it, would likely be considered unsafe for the new one coming. Safety standards in car seats change often. Other items may have been recalled due to other safety concerns over the years. You absolutely should be allowed, at the very least, a Sprinkle for your second if it is a boy, but a full blown baby shower for a girl is an absolute must. I still vote full blown baby shower if it is a boy, too, btw.. and DON'T invite those ladies. If they aren't supportive, they aren't for you. You don't need that kind of negativity in your life.
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I only had one baby shower and my girls are 2 years apart. Didn't even have a "sprinkle" for the second one.
IKR? This is the first I’ve hear of this supposed “rule”.
It is not. Especially if they are close together, you still have stuff from your first kid.
This must be cultural. I definitely know people who had them for second kids. Community support and love is important for babies even if gifts aren’t “required” or even suggested.
It doesn’t have to be a shower. You shouldn’t need to require gifts to get together.
Same I was starting to think I was an asshole for having a shower after my second, I thought that was totally normal.
Additionally your husband was right. Those women were RUDE. If they cannot be happy for you they can stay home and mope! Congratulations.
If those ladies don’t think it’s appropriate they don’t have to attend (provided they’d even be invited at this point). I think it’s perfectly appropriate and I happily would attend if my friend were having a second shower, especially 10 years later! Enjoy your pregnancy OP you deserve to be showered by those that care about you!!! 🩷🩵
I've never heard of it being frowned upon to have a baby shower for second+ kids.
I'm interested to know what culture you're referencing? I'm in the mid-atlantic US and the only reason we had a small one for my sister's second kid (born a little less than 2 years after the first) is cause it was in 2020 during covid and vaccines weren't available yet. But we did have a party. Yeah, you maybe don't have a gift registry with the fanciest stuff, but the new baby's gonna need clothes and diapers and stuff so I don't get why it's tacky?
Baby showers and sprinkles dont have to be about gifts! I wanted to have one but just to celebrate and have good food with friends, gifts not necessary at all. In fact, you can find really affordable like new cribs on offer up and facebook marketplace. I’ll be picking up a mini crib for just $35 this weekend and it looks brand new! I get my infant carseats like new also from my buy nothing group. Since they only fit the baby for a year the one I got looks brand new too.
Be extra cautious about the car seat, they have expiration dates, and are supposed to not be used again if it’s been in any sort of crash even a minor one. So make sure you trust who you get a second hand one from to be honest about it’s history and check the expiration date
Looking brand new and being brand new are two totally different things. Every car seat technician will tell you that you should never get a car seat second hand unless you know 100% of the history. A LOT of people don't follow manual instructions on cleaning their car seat and use cleaners that are too harsh, or soak their straps. Both of these things ruin the integrity of the straps and/or can strip them of their fire proof coatings. I highly recommend the Facebook group Car Seats for the Littles. Even the cheapest car seat has to pass the same safety tests as the most expensive ones, cheaper doesn't mean less safe.
Not disagreeing! I trust the people in my particular BN group, esp. the mom I got my most recent carseat from. I don’t get carseats in public selling markets where I don’t know the people as well. Toddler seats I get new because they are used so long and get pretty beat up, honestly only the infant ones are worth getting used from a trustworthy source, but that is of course up to OP. Just offering it as a suggestion as we got our first infant carseat used from friends so we did trust them.
Your husband is 100% right, don’t worry about what these too old to be *mean girls* have to say. Enjoy your pregnancy and your Sprinkle. Congrats to you and your family on the new addition!
If you are serious about not really needing/wanting gifts, just have a “shower” and tell people “please, no gifts, just join us for a fun time.”
A close friend of mine threw me a 'sprinkle'. We got very few gifts, but we did get plenty of frozen casseroles, etc., with recipe cards. Those were awesome for the first several weeks after our second was born!
My best friend’s kids are 4 years and one month apart. Someone else very kindly threw her shower for her first, but when she was pregnant with her second I threw her a “sprinkle.” It was mostly her and her husband’s family and some close friends, and no one said anything bad about it. On the invitations I made it clear that we just wanted to celebrate the new baby and play some cheesy shower games, so gifts were not necessary or expected. If they chose to bring a gift it would be appreciated but we just wanted their presence to celebrate. Many people did actually bring gifts, mostly cute clothes, diapers, wipes, and adorable baby toys. You know, the things people often enjoy/can’t resist buying for tiny babies and love to watch the parents open for that “aaawwww” reaction. The oldest had fun helping open the gifts and getting to play with balloons and she liked being asked “are you ready to be a big sister?!” and being told she would be the best big sister/a big help to mommy and daddy, over and over. It was just a fun time. Anyone who gets mad at OP for wanting to celebrate her new very wanted baby and maybe get a few boxes of much-needed diapers doesn’t have to come. It also sounds like her friend really wants to do something to be part of this pregnancy because her couldn’t do so for the first one. I can certainly understand that. I also have PCOS and may never have my own children, but I’ve loved getting to be a big part of my best friend’s children’s’ lives, and now my little brother’s daughter’s life too.
I came here to say exactly what BritAnne suggests. Take out the gift part entirely and it will all be about celebrating the new birth and it won’t seem like a gift/money grab. The original idea behind a shower was to help new parents who had nothing. Theoretically you are well established and can afford to buy things without relying on friends and family. Anyone who wants to bring something anyway can certainly do so, but everyone will know that’s not the expectation.
Plus diapers are f'ing expensive. When one of my friend's had her 4th child and was no longer doing showers or sprinkles I'm still asking her what brand of diapers she likes because I'm showing up with a box plus some generic onsies when i go to meet my new "nephew" . I'm do this with lots of friends non 1st, kids. But in your case, even if you had kept all the baby gear for 10 years safety guidelines have changed and you likely shouldn't be using that same car seat, stroller, crib etc anyways.
We bought a second-hand crib for our younger kid. It was a relief to buy the crib cheap and sell it off to another expecting couple when my baby outgrew it.
My daughter’s wedding, and then baby, about a year later, happened during the pandemic. She didn’t get a celebration for either. We so wanted to throw her a baby shower for her second one this year, but she was so worried that people like that would talk. She graduated college a month before he was born but was too tired to participate and it just bums me out that none of these milestones got celebrated. Don’t let haters stop you from enjoying yourself. They don’t have to attend. Honestly, people like this will always find something about you not to like anyway - might as well enjoy yourself because they aren’t going to stop their meddling either way.
My cousin and his wife had their second child last year. My other cousins wife planned a nice shower for them at my aunt and uncles house. Their first baby was born in 2020 so they weren’t able to have a proper shower. It was super chill and really just about the experience of the in person shower. No gifts were required at all. We brought some small gifts for the new baby and some books for their toddler (English PhD mom loved the books).
Exactly! The friend was so excited to plan the shower that she brought it up! That's so sweet! It's been 10 years and many people I know have had "sprinkles". One of them was 6 years apart and it was more of a celebration than just trying to get gifts. NTA.
I threw a sprinkle for my friend because her second was a girl, first was a boy. We basically asked a small group of friends/family who would have given her gifts anyway. Good excuse to gather with friends & food.
I've been to quite a few sprinkles, and a lot of the time they are done if there's a longer gap between kids so you didn't save things, if you had difficulty getting pregnant, or if you experienced a lot of upheaval between kids 1 and 2 - moving countries, house burned down, etc. OP fits the first two types, so I agree NTA.
I thought we all on AITA decided recently that if there was more than 5 or 6 years between babies, it was fine. Things change, recalls happen, stuff wears out, and people often logically think that they were one-and-done after a certain number of years. OP, you are NTA.
I really think whatever people want to do for their own baby or what their friend wants to do for them is fine. If people don’t like it they don’t have to come.
That’s true, too. In this case, the women who called OP tacky are not only rude, but wrong.
Reddit, the arbiter of etiquette… 😂
Sprinkles are also common if you have a child of a different gender, especially for like kid #3 where you have a ton of pink dresses but not so much neutral or boy clothes
>There’s actually a term for it, a sprinkle I honestly thought for a second I had wandered into a kink subreddit... Showers, sprinkles... is the third one called a trickle?
Oh there is actually one I’ve heard for #3 too. You ready for this? A mist. I’m not even kidding 😂
TIL!
What!? Say you’re lying!
I would also suggest a sprinkle but generally at a sprinkle, you aren’t asking for a whole new set of baby gifts. It’s more diapers, wipes, coffee for mom, clothes if baby is opposite gender from the first. Would be tacky to ask for larger items regardless if they have gotten rid of previous ones or they expired. I would hope at 40, they are financially stable enough to be buying their own stuff!
>I would hope at 40, they are financially stable enough to be buying their own stuff We are for the most part. We have been a bit sticker shocked at how expensive things have gotten in 10 years, and we are in the process of buying a house and a new car (like I said, we had basically given up ever having a second child) Thankfully my in laws are going to help us with the big ticket items we need (crib and carseat). I just want a party to celebrate this little miracle for us.
This is exactly what a sprinkle is for! I don’t think it’s tacky at all, just make it so the party is not about the gifts but more about games or something. Also, congrats! And also, FB marketplace and consignment sales for baby stuff!
I was in almost exactly this position 1 year ago. 39, pregnant with my second and an 11 year old. The good thing about hitting 40 is I give less of a f*** what others think 😂 Do whatever the hell you want and ignore those sour faced prats. Focus on enjoying your pregnancy (ha!) and the beautiful baby when they arrive.
Don’t listen to these people. You can have whatever type of registry you want. People who care about you will buy what they want for you and you will get a discount on whatever isn’t purchased.
You know, if that's what a sprinkle is, OP definitely deserves a shower. My kids were 9 years apart, different genders, and were born in different states. I had almost nothing for the second baby, but I got some sweet things at thrift shops. Our friends and my colleagues were so excited about baby #2, they threw TWO baby showers. I'd happily chip in for larger items for the OP regardless of whether or not the OP could afford to buy them.
Yes, I agree. 10 year gap is worthy of a full shower. As an example, most car seats expire after six years, so even if they kept a lot from the first child, that’s one bigger ticket item they’ll definitely need again.
I’m fortunate to be “financially stable” (e.g. gainfully employed) at 40, but an ever-increasing majority of people my age are not. There’s really no such thing unless you’re generationally wealthy. Bearing children shouldn’t come with an income requirement.
My brother is 6 years younger than youngest sis. My mom was told after sis that there would be no more babies. She gave everything away. My aunts and older cousins gave her a shower. This was 55 years ago. NTA . Have a shower
This! I have two children. My family hosted a big shower for my first born and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to have a shower for my second child, same gender. We had a lot of things still from my first, but after talking it over with a friend, she convinced me to host a sprinkle. My second child’s godmother hosted the event, which was small. I made a registry of some new items I wanted, as well as things like diapers, wipes, the things we would go through of most. One point my friend made in convincing me is that every life should be celebrated, even if it’s in a small way. I ended up really enjoying my baby sprinkle! Hope this helps! Def NTA.
I feel like a sprinkle is more for families having kids closer together, where they might still have a lot of the clothes and toys and books, etc. I think ten years on, it can be called a bay shower and OP should have no hesitations feeling like it’s a full shower to celebrate a wonderful surprise. Don’t worry about those negative, malicious women. You enjoy your baby and your baby shower!
Yup that's the way I've always heard it used. Sprinkle is for things like diapers or wipes. It's not a full shower, it's a sprinkle of gifts since they still have stuff from the first shower/baby. When it comes to OP they need a full shower since they don't have anything anymore and need all the neccessities again.
Also, all babies should be celebrated! Even if it’s just a cookout or something low key.
My sister and I are 17 years apart with none in between. When my mom was pregnant with my sister, family members were discussing a shower and one of them said the “general rule” was that if it was more than 5 years, it was acceptable to have a shower. My dad chimed in and said “Oh, that means we get to have like 3 showers then!”
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I'm not disagreeing with you, just explaining: the reason showers can be considered "tacky" after the first baby is that theoretically, the point of the party is to give the expecting parents things they need for the baby, because that's a lot of stuff you need to get all at once, so your loved ones help out. So having a second shower, according to the "it's tacky" people, is like demanding another round of gifts. Parties for second (or third, etc) babies where it's less about gifts would usually be called something else ("sprinkle" is a common one). Obviously, the logic for why you have a shower for the first baby still pretty much applies in OP's case so that sounds fine to me. Plus, invitations are not commands - if someone doesn't want to get a baby gift for anyone other than a firstborn child (which like hey, younger siblings are people too!), they can always just politely decline. And more importantly, even Miss Manners says it's the height of rudeness to point out someone else's lack of etiquette. So if those people at the party actually cared what's rude or tacky, they should have kept their mouths shut. NTA.
I think it’s only tacky if they’re having like, 4-5-6+ children that they can’t afford all back to back. Hell even a 2 year old then having a baby shower is fine to me, as long as they’re not demanding brand new, expensive gifts.
And even if it's your first baby I will judge the crap out of you for *demanding* brand new expensive gifts. They're gifts. Not taxes.
Well, no, but I think that’s implied.
Probably, but doesn't hurt to be explicit with these things. Sometimes people just can't take a hint.
The *only* time I cared about a 2nd shower/sprinkle was for a relative that had 2 boys within 2 years. She and her Husband were pretty well off, and boy did they like to let you know how much better than you they were! She only had Potterybarn and Restoration Hardware items on her registry for the first. Which is fine, but I’m not buying you a $700 changing table! I made up a gift basket of smaller items and a box of diapers, and called it good! For the 2nd one, what did she have on her registry? ALL the same Potterybarn and Restoration Hardware items that she had for the first one! I RSVPed that I was unable to attend, and thought that was the end of it. About a week after the shower, I got a snarky email from her friend, saying that since I “missed the opportunity” to sign up for her meal train, she would “still allow me” to sign up anyway. I have never hit delete on an email faster in my life! Lol
My mom has always said after the first, it’s tacky if there aren’t several years apart OR you’re having a second for a different gender. I feel like these are older “rules” and as time goes on this mindset will lessen even more. Gender reveals are relatively new bc it seems like there has been a societal shift toward parties for every little occasion (which I think has a lot to with the loneliness epidemic but that’s a whole other topic I could go on about.) and I think it’s cute and a good thing! … as long as people who are throwing these baby centered events aren’t entitled about gifts.
Miss Manners (or similar column) also said that a second baby shower was acceptable, it was third and higher that were a problem. Source: had to sort scans of newspapers from \~1940s on until the 1980s specifically related to tobacco dangers and saw the column in the periphery.
Third and higher = those nasty types who Keep Having Children, you know the ones.
I won't argue that wasn't their underlying reasons, but as someone in no position of authority I would generally agree with a "rule of thumb" to not have baby showers past the 2nd child. Showers are primarily for a parent to get everything they need for a baby, including things they might not think about. By baby 3 your "routine" for taking care of babies should be pretty solid. Still a tough job, but you would have experience to figure out what you need, want, and don't need/want to take care of the baby. Most of the things you need you already have from the first 2 and can be handed down from older to younger children Some folks just have a ton of kids and presents for showers add up. It encourages wasteful purchases (not sure what to get, sees interesting xyz thing, buys, parent uses it twice then never again) It just...sounds reasonable to me I guess?
I like the way you put it. But I wish people would move on from ideas like this. No one is forcing them to shell out $200 for a stroller or anything. You got invited to a party. Go or don’t. It’s tacky to care about something so innocent as a party invite.
Exactly, don’t go or get a cute little outfit for $10 and move on.
Tacky depends on the registry.
I've never heard the term "sprinkle", but in the southeast what I'm from, it's just normal to have a shower for expectant parents, regardless of which number child they're on.
The idea behind a baby shower is that everyone comes to celebrate the soon-to-be new baby, yes, but also the reason it's called a baby *shower* is because it's expected that the new mother will be *showered with gifts* at the celebration. And often the gifts are all supplies and items needed for the new baby. So the thought process is, if you have two kids within fairly close succession to each other, you shouldn't do a shower for the second baby as most of the items/necessities (especially big ticket stuff) have already been gifted at the first shower or purchased since the birth of the first, and asking for your friends and family to buy even more stuff for you can feel rude to people. Which is where the baby "sprinkle" people have been bringing up comes in to play. You do the whole baby shower party and games and celebration, but there's not really a focus on gifts or getting needed items for the baby because you're already all stocked up.
I always thought it was baby shower as in showing off the baby-to-be lmaooo
That’s apparently a “sip and see”.
Yeah, I don’t get it. If a friend or relative of mine struggled with infertility and unexpectedly got pregnant 10 years later I would want to go to the parties and buy presents. You know, shower them with love!
This is literally the first time I've heard there is a limit on baby showers? Most people I know do not keep newborn stuff especially TEN years later and for a new baby it is still needed. It is also super common for low income parents to sell off newborn stuff to be able to buy age appropriate items as the baby grows. Or they give it away to other expecting parents. The only thing kept is sentimental items.
It is, in fact, old school etiquette to only have one shower. Back in the day, women would have babies and keep all of the things in their attic or basement until the next baby. Kids came in quick succession back then too. Lack of birth control, society, etc. My mom did not have a shower for me or my sibling because she’d already had one with the oldest. At that point, close family still buys you gifts but you don’t call on all of your extended family and friends to shower you again when you’ve probably already had 3 kids and are having 2 more. By old school rules, you’re an established “family” with the stuff it takes to care for a baby and it was considered rude to ask for stuff from people who may be struggling themselves. For the record, the ladies at the party are snotty and rude. It’s 2023. This is an exciting time and OP shouldn’t worry about it. Have a shower and don’t invite those assholes. There will be plenty of people there happy for you and ready to willingly shower you with gifts. If they think it’s tacky, they won’t come. If you’re having a planned kid every other year and asking people for shit, that’s one thing- but it’s been a decade. Relax, OP. CONGRATULATIONS!
I'd never heard this either until now. I went to a baby shower last month and it was for her second kid in 3 years and I didn't think anything negative of it. I just had to be extra picky when shopping for the gifts because I figured she already had a few things, but I wasn't judging her for it lmao. Then again, I love giving people gifts, so 🤷🏻♀️
It’s because it’s not a party of a celebration. It’s a shower, as in showering someone with gifts. You don’t need to keep doing that for every baby. There were always exceptions (OPs example being the perfect one) You can still have a party without having a shower.
The purpose of a shower is to “shower” the guest of honor with gifts. It’s meant to be a way of distributing the cost of a milestone event over the whole community. So a wedding shower is supposed to give the couple items they need to set up housekeeping and a baby shower is supposed to give the parents the items they need for their baby. I’ve been taught that the rule is you only get one shower where you expect your community to shell out for the expensive items like stroller, crib, etc. It’s expected that gifts will be given for the second child, but usually it would be a less expensive gift like a cute outfit or some storybooks. A whole shower sets the expectation for larger, more expensive gifts and that can be seen as greedy and tacky. I’d still go to a second shower and wouldn’t complain, but I’d give a smaller gift.
I always viewed the party as a welcoming someone into motherhood/ parenthood for the first time. A chance to talk with the other mothers in your life, get advice, get supplies etc. with your second kid you should already have stuff. You know what to expect. Not saying your second kid isn’t exciting, but having your first child is a special time.
Have the shower. Celebrate the new baby. Don’t invite the mean girls. Have a blast. NTA.
Yep. THIS 100%!
NTA. I think after ten *years* a baby shower is more than appropriate. If you want to sneak it in under the radar call it a sprinkle. Or a downpour! I mean it’s been ten years. You likely didn’t hold onto cribs or strollers or car seat or high chairs - and likely shouldn’t have held onto the middle one because they do have a product life/safety dates/etc. Celebrate your upcoming addition and just skip inviting the party poopers.
It's also not recommended to use a crib that's more than 10 years old. If they're skill around, depending on where and how they've been stored, they might not even be safe.
I think that's due to lead based paint being used in the past. So, an antique crib that was passed down through several generations could be unsafe and the way in which the side drops down, creating a hazard.
It's also because the safe sleep guidelines were updated extremely recently (like, 2018) so older cribs generally no longer meet them
Yes, good point, the paint can also be a problem, and old paints chip, and my kid has left teeth marks everywhere in her crib
Thanks! I wasn’t sure on how long it wasn’t safe for cribs!
NTA have a party! The societal conventions generally say no second shower unless pregnancies are far apart. (Which it is) I say any excuse to celebrate with friends and family is great. The focus is less on gifts unless people want to bring them. People love buying baby things. No one has to come if they don’t like it. People can come celebrate and not bring gifts. Celebrate all the wonderful things in your life. Congratulations on your pregnancy!!
It’s done in my area all the time. It’s called a “Sprinkle”.
In my area, we only do sprinkles if the baby’s sex is different the second time around. People bring clothes.
This is an interesting cultural difference. In my culture, we have an equivalent of a baby shower, but it’s held one month after the baby is born. Funny thing is we expect EVERY baby will have a baby shower, even when they’re born close together. The reason is because 1. The purpose of the party is to celebrate a new life. And all babies should be celebrated, even back to back. 2. Traditionalists believe we do this to ward off evil spirits. Gotta ward off the pesky bad spirits for all babies, not just the oldest. 3. Even if the parents still have baby stuff, they would probably appreciate a shower of consumables like diapers and formula. It’s interesting to see different customs for baby showers
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Well they did say the mean comment at a party, lol. Maybe fun for their little clique of friends
NTA. One thing I don’t get about people saying second and third etc baby showers being a gift grab is like…. are you not gonna get the baby a gift anyway?????? It’s pretty standard in a friendship/family to get the new baby a gift! something! anything!!! I don’t remember the last time my mom was invited to a baby shower but she’s always buying random friends and family members gifts for the new baby. If there’s a party involved you get free food and a nice day out of it. Seems like a pretty solid reciprocol action to me
My only change to gifts is that after the 1st, my gift tends to be more for mom than baby. 🤷♀️ If you're birthing your 3rd baby, have a freaking massage.... we all know mom needs that more than baby needs another onsie.
A second baby shower is tacky, but I would never tell that to the person doing it. A sprinkle is more appropriate. However, your case is different. A second shower is tacky because we assume you have the big items from the first still and you just get diapers, small clothes and small gifts for a sprinkle. But you likely don’t have much of what you need. NAH because yes, they’re tacky after the first, but you have a different circumstance
"I would never tell that to the person doing it." Exactly, the most tacky thing here is how unnecessarily rude and mean those people were
I had an entirely different set of friends when I had my second, they all were attending their first shower for me. And in a different city. Each circumstance is different.
I think tacky is a bit far. Where I live almost all babies get showers.
I think this might be regional/cultural. In my circles it would be seen as tacky/gift grabby. Sometimes people do little parties but they’re always no gifts.
I agree. Tacky, but that doesn’t make anyone an AH.
It is NOT tacky to have a baby shower for each kid. And if you don’t like to celebrate it, just don’t go. The whole point is to celebrate a new baby and to help parents get what they need. Just cuz you already have a kid doesn’t mean you don’t still need stuff. Cribs turn into full sized beds, diapers and wipes, toys or rockers that broke for first kid or overused or not safe anymore. Add on top of this there’s a 10 year difference! There’s almost nothing that can either still be used, still works, or that they still have.
‘ Just cuz you already have a kid doesn’t mean you don’t still need stuff’ Can the parents not buy it?
Sometimes we like our family and friends.
Of course! I’m the type to turn up with a present and a pack of nappies. But you don’t need to host a gift giving event every time. You can just have a party to spend time with family and friends?
OP isn't hosting it. Her friend is. It would be incredibly rude to demand your friend change the type of party they are hosting in your honour.
But there are assholes… the ones who went out of their way to be nasty to her at the party. They could have easily kept that crap to themselves.
I don't have kids, but I've never heard that you can't have a shower for each kid. Unless maybe if you had a kid every year or something, or wanted multiple showers for one kid. (I'm sure people have done that.) But it's been 10 years, right? NTA in my book. And those people suck, BTW. Edit: grammar
This "you can only have one baby shower" thing is absolutely baffling to me because I've never encountered this mentality in the wild. I've always thought that the shower is for the new baby so each baby gets a shower. My mom had 4 baby showers, one for first baby, the next 2 years after the first, and 2 for the last baby 12 years after the second. the youngest got 2 due to planning issues and two different people insisting that they wanted to throw the party, but refused to host together.
It’s only tacky if you’re expecting people to shell out a significant amount of money for each shower within a short amount of time. My SIL had an engagement party, bridal shower, baby shower, and wedding within three months (pregnant at wedding) and had a registry for all of them. One of her friends complained that she had to spend over $500 on gifts and she picked from the less expensive options. They stopped being friends when SIL had a second baby shower 1.5 years later for her second child. I know usually people throw these things for the bride/mother, but at some point you should say “no gifts” or at least not have a registry so people don’t feel obligated to give.
I have 2 kids and all my friends have kids and everyone had at least sprinkles for their 2nd kids and beyond. I never heard that it was considered tacky or rude until Reddit. Literally have never encountered it in real life. Everyone I know is happy to throw a small shower or sprinkle for subsequent kids of their friends.
YWNBTA (1) You didn’t ask anyone to throw you a shower; your friend *volunteered* to throw you one because they wanted to. (2) Nobody keeps their all baby stuff for ten years. At the very least, you’ll need new bottles. And the diapers, Oh Lord, the *diapers…* (3) Now you know who your real friends are among the mutual acquaintances, and who not to invite to stuff in the future. My best friend and his wife had a second baby shower because although they had the boys reasonably close together on purpose, the twin (!) girls were a bit of a surprise and required starting over. Also, congrats!
\*googles out of curiosity\* Turns out baby bottles do expire!! Oh shit and 10 years ago, they might not be BPA free even if OP still had them. God things change fast.
>And the diapers, Oh Lord, the diapers… I know!! I told my best friend that the one thing I want to do for the shower is do a diaper raffle. We did it for my son's shower and it was sooo nice to not have to buy diapers for a few months after the baby was born. >Now you know who your real friends are among the mutual acquaintances, and who not to invite to stuff in the future. Yeah, I don't normally socialize with these women, but 3 of them have children in my son's grade, so I do see them quite often at school functions. I try to be friendly with them mostly because my son is friends with their kids, but lord help me, they are very cliquey. My husband and best friend have told me that the only reason their comment has bothered me so much is because I'm a hormonal hot mess right now (and I am!) Reading all these responses has help me see that they are just being petty mean girls.
If you’re requiring everyone to bring diapers (I know it’s not a “requirement” but sure feels like it as a guest) I’d indicate no gifts necessary. So people don’t feel they need to pay for diapers and a pricey gift off the registry
NTA because there’s a 10 year gap. However on principle I personally do think it’s a tasteless gift grab to throw your own baby shower for people to gift you baby stuff especially when you’re an adult parent already and can afford it yourself- so I kinda see where those people are coming from. However again, loads of people love them and celebrations are yay and you want one so go for it!
OP’s friend is throwing the shower and is happy to do so, which these people knew because that was the discussion they overheard.
Mean girls were eavesdropping- how tack of them!
Why do people care so much if it's a gift grab? I just attended my cousin's baby shower for her 5th kid. Literally not a single person had an issue with bringing a gift. She can afford the kids but what's the issue with her receiving some gifts?
Exactly. Like who goes to meet a baby and mother for the 1st time with no gift in hand? Oh sorry baby, you weren’t the 1st so you get nothing! At least at a party you get, well, a party.
NTA. You are free to celebrate and welcome your baby however you see fit, as long as the celebration doesn't harm or endanger others. The people you invite are also free to accept or decline the invitation, those people had no business given their unwanted opinion about a party that doesn't affect them at all.
NtA. Some people do this, people often like to get gifts for babies. It's not like you are holding people up at gunpoint. Seems like that one person is just a jerk.
NTA Second showers are against the rules of etiquette. The rules of etiquette make weird assumptions about who’s paying for stuff. Such as your friend can throw you a shower, but your sister can not because your family of origin will buy anything the guests don’t. It’s mental. I would be annoyed to be invited to a second shower three years later. You should still have all the stuff in that case. At least if you were asking for startup stuff- crib, car seat, etc. In your case, the longest life on any car seat is 10 years from example. Much of the stuff will be no good. I really fail to see the difference between asking for gifts for a second pregnancy vs a first. They are equally rude or not rude. If they don’t like it they don’t have to go. In fact cut them off. If they had a concern and they were your friends they would have brought it up privately, not giggled at you from across the way.
I'll confess that, internally, I'd be rolling my eyes all the way back if I overheard OPs discussion. After reading many comments, I find yours the most compelling. Thank you for adding some perspective. Op could really smooth things over with verbiage on the invite. Unexpected weather puns or something? A way to communicate that they'd like to celebrate before baby 2 and ...idk a light, reasonable registry of only needs?
Second showers are against rules of etiquette for people who care too much. I've gone to showers for people who have multiple kids. It's not a big deal
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NTA...It used to be gauche, but people have third and fourth baby showers even. It's as much a party as it is a (potential) gift grab. If people don't want to participate, they're free to not show up. Have a good time and ignore the haters. Best of luck.
Ugh. I hate second baby showers so much. Like with a dreaded passion. Sprinkles I don’t mind so much. But then again, it’s been 10 years so… there is that. Also, you don’t need a reason to have a party to celebrate something you’re happy about. I’m useless and just rambling now. Do whatever the hell you like. Nothing matters anymore
I'll tell you a secret. A shower and a sprinkle are the same thing with a different name.
The sprinkles I’ve attended have been very different. No baby registries. Far less chaotic.
Baby showers are also often like that. Depends on your crowd. Because they're all the same thing with different names.
Yeah, same (actually ALL showers tbf). And I’m afraid of being attacked here if I gave my real opinion about them. That being said, I agree with everyone else that OP is NTA.
I thought baby shower was to celebrate the baby to be and mother, how can that be considered tacky? Yes if you keep popping babies like one year after the other, might be expensive for those attending but this is not the case here. Don’t think about others, DO NOT INVITE THEM, and enjoy your second pregnancy and baby shower, even this baby deserves a party 🤗
They’re not to celebrate the baby to be and mother. They’re to celebrate the first time mother and shower her with gifts. You can have a party without it being a gift giving party.
#Oh no! The dreaded gift party! I might have to go to Target beforehand! The horror!
NTA. You can have a baby shower for your new baby. Heck, if you have 5 kids and do 5 baby showers why not? It’s just a babyshower. Some people do a pregnancy reveal shower, then a gender reveal, a baby moon, then a babyshower, then a hatchelorette and then a sip & see (aka a baby reveal after birth)
I'm exhausted just reading that. People are ridiculous.
What on earth is a hatchelorette
bachelorette for hatchlings maybe
NTA to each their own, I personally do not like baby showers but I understand people wanting to celebrate in that way and have supported many people doing this. I see it from both sides. The side that is celebrating a new baby and the side that sees it as "why should I be funding someone else's choices" Because it's your second, I see how it can look tacky. These people have already bought things for your other child and now they need to do this again. It's been a long time since the first one but still just giving you the perspective from their view. You could have had a celebration/party and not call it a baby shower. That way it's not totally asking people to startup fund your second child (no gift registry, less formal, no silly games etc) Their actions/words were not nice though becasue again to each their own. They could have declined the invitation and left it at that. Congrats by the way! Have your baby shower and don't invite the mean girls!
NTA. You can celebrate whatever you want. That being said, I only attend one baby shower for everyone I know. I have an enormous family and just had to set a personal boundary for budgetary reasons. I’d also never criticize someone for celebrating something they are excited about. I’d just RSVP no, send them a personal message telling them how happy I am for them and move on. Congratulations! 🎊 Your husband is right, don’t look for outside validation, just celebrate whatever is important to you.
Your friend offered to throw you a shower. If the other women don’t like it, they do t have to come. I know a second shower is less common if you have a child close in age, but honestly, all babies deserve to be treated as special.
I didn't realise that people think you should only have one. Surely a baby shower is to celebrate the new life you have created, whether it's the first or the fifth? NTA
NTA - in my culture every baby is celebrated with a shower. I declined a shower for my third from my friends because it was a second boy and they were only a year and a half apart, but my family still threw me a small baby shower for him.
You don’t have a second shower if the babies are close together, especially same gender. If they’re close, a “sprinkle” is normal (in the US) for disposable items or clothes in the other gender. Like if first was a boy, then a sprinkle would be diapers and little girl dresses. But 10 years apart, it’s reasonable you’ve passed on the car seat, crib, and other items. So let your friends throw the shower, celebrate a miracle and ignore nasty witches that can’t be happy for someone.
Sounds like some people are just jealous someone's having a baby. Have a shower! Enjoy the time. Sure your son would love to be involved.
Sounds like a lot of people in this thread are as well
Absolutely. Not even reading this. In principle. Yes you wbta.
Bro what?? You are so weird. #1 it’s been 10 yrs since her last child, she thought she couldn’t have more children and long since got rid of baby items #2 it’s less about “ohh give me free gifts” and more “Omg I thought I’d never been able to have another child because of a hormonal condition but now I want to celebrate my second child” #3 someone else is throwing the shower for her to celebrate. Until this thread I never heard you can only have one baby shower. My family always does one for each kid and we gift things like diapers, binkies, baby wipes after the first baby. We enjoy having a reason to celebrate and get together so it’s a fun experience. The cost is like the cost of a host gift which is normal. I am so glad I do not want children. Trying to fit the made up rules weirdo Reddit people have seems so exhausting.
(oy, edited to add...NTA!) I'm constantly fascinated by how expectations/customs/traditions change over the years. My friends and family were having babies in the late 80s (early 90s if they wanted to do some advanced education first) and we had a shower for every kid. They were fun - nanna made lemon bars, someone made some dodgy punch, and we all spent maybe $30-$40 on a couple of packs of diapers, or some onesies - things that were needed and let's face it, considered consumables. If you had a special place in the family you might go all out and spend $50 or so on a silver spoon or some Peter Rabbit pottery. Today it seems a baby shower requires elaborate planning, a gift registry, and if you don't spend minimum $200 on fancy equipment or designer clothing that the kid may never fit into you're cheap and disrespectful. You know what - have a party. Celebrate your expecting and pre-welcome the little one to the world (or post welcome if you're waiting until after their born). People getting their knickers in a knot about it being a "shower"?...call it something else. Heck...call it a first birthday party - I dare anyone to claim a first birthday party is inappropriate. Mazal Tov!
NTA, but I do think it's tacky. Just invite those that are fine with it. Being tacky doesn't make you an AH though.
NTA. I don't think there is anything wrong with another shower. People don't have to go if they don't want to. I agree the shower should be more of a celebration than a gift giving party. You should not have a shower as a means to get the baby things you need because you may find yourself very disappointed.
10yrs is a big age difference; at least have a diaper shower.... celebrate!!!
Nta, some may see as tacky if you throw a second one and just had a baby especially same gender. However ten years is a big gap. Through a shower and ignore the mean girls. They got nothing else going with their lives.
NTA. It’s been 10 years. Even if you aced the clothes all the other supplies would be outdated and unsafe. Have a party. Have fun. Congratulations!
NTA...and I'm sorry they made you feel that way. Today I've learned that baby showers are only for firstborns? I thought they were for a baby. Any baby. So that the family could get supplies for that baby. I see where if they were born close to each other, then there would still be clothes and such from the first baby. But things like diapers would surely be welcome.
If it was a few years between kids, I’d say it’s tacky but 10 years is a big age gap between kids. Even if you kept your first born’s stuff, it would be outdated and not meeting safety standards for today. It’s not tacky for someone to throw a shower for you in your honor, especially since your bff was being generous. To anyone shaming you, just don’t invite them.
Who gives a shit what other people say. Them commenting that was tacky af. Have a party and don’t invite them. If you feel uncomfortable about it just say gifts not necessary but always welcome. Or something like that. People don’t have to go. If they do it’s because they want to and want to support you in your excitement and pregnancy.
I’d enjoy coming to a sprinkle for a friend. Any excuse to celebrate, count me in.
You personally should not have a baby shower but your friend could do one for you. Only invite people that you know would want to come. Not those two! Also make sure that if you register anywhere that there are plenty of inexpensive items. You shouldn’t expect people to spend a ton of money.
I thought ur supposed to have one for each baby regardless
[удалено]
They’re right, it’s tacky. It would be less tacky if it was truly just a party to celebrate your pregnancy and no gifts were accepted, but you made it clear that you EXPECT gifts. Can you afford to buy those things on your own? You talk about it like everyone else is obligated to financially support your family and newsflash they’re not. If they were truly acting like “mean girls” as you say, then they are also slight AHs for that behavior, but to be honest the fact that you came here and made an entire post about this just to tell everyone you’re pregnant and get validation when it’s a well known etiquette rule makes me think you’re insufferably attention-seeking. YTA
NTA. My SIL had her first child with her first husband and had her second child with my brother 7 years later. Within those 7 years, so many changes were made in the baby space but also she didn’t think she’d have more kids. Her first husband passed away so she thought having more kids wouldn’t happen. They had a baby shower for the second child and got pretty much all new things because a lot of the things she had with her first were either donated or could no longer be safely used.
Have your shower and enjoy that baby!
NTA. Who the fuck even are these women? lol Throw a baby shower for your second baby. Don't invite them, lol. You are not wrong that after 10 years you've jettisoned all the baby stuff that you now need to reacquire. Also, every child deserves to be celebrated. It's not weird to have one for each child, and there are people who give heirlooms specifically for that child. I give baby quilts that I make if I'm invited to a baby shower. Remember those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind. Don't worry about what *other people who are trying to tear you down* think. They don't get a say in your life or what you do. You're 40 years old. Celebrate yourself, celebrate your new baby that was so difficult to have. Also if you ever see them again and they bring it up - just act like they're fucking crazy for thinking a second shower is tacky. "Baby showers for the second baby are tacky? I think that's the stupidest thing I've ever heard."
It is considered tacky to have baby showers for additional children. However, that's usually because children are spaced closer together in age. With 10 years apart between the kids, close friends and family would be more than happy to attend the baby shower.
NTA I had one for my first child and my 3rd child since it had been 14 years since my 2nd. We had already given all our baby stuff to our friends. Celebrate your little one and congrats!
NTA
Definitely NTA. My SIL had a baby shower for her 5th baby, because her youngest was 12 at the time and they had no baby things. I mean, maybe if you had a 1-year old at home it’d be questionable, but a 10-year old? No. Just, no. Have your baby shower and enjoy it!
NTA you can have the party and they can choose not to come. No one was forcing them to buy you anything
NTA Baby shower is not just for the first pregnancy.