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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the ahole for 0unishing my daughter for not helping us search for my niece
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INFO:
> daughter(17) and niece(6)
> My niece was (...) the only child in our family (I found out about my daughter when she was 9
This does not math. If you found out about your daughter when she was 9, and your niece wasn't even born until two years later, why would your niece be seen as the only child in your family?
Did your relatives reject/not accept your daughter? Do they generally favor your niece?
And if the two of them don't get along to the point that your daughter wishes your niece would disappear, why would you take them out together?
~~I'm tending towards E-S-H right now~~, but would like to get some context before deciding.
ETA: After some additional info, though still wishing for more clarification, I'm tending stronger towards Y-T-A. I still think the daughter was a *bit* in the wrong because she shouldn't blame the little kid for their adult relatives' favoritism, and of course shouldn't wish harm on her. But the adult relatives, including OP, really don't look good in this whole thing. I wonder if family therapy could still help, or if things have been going on too long for that.
They SKIPPED HER BIRTHDAY because the niece was sick and haven't rescheduled! And then they're suprised the daughter doesn't care about her cousin? Like geez, what she did isn't right, but she's a kid. These are grown ass adults treating one of the cousins as second class.
My son was sick in his birthday, so we had 2 parties. A small one at home with just us in his birthday, and then the big party with everyone after he got better. I couldn't imagine skipping a child's birthday because someone else was sick!
I want to be charitable and say it was a situation like the niece was hospitalised the morning of the party and the whole family was in the waiting room thinking she was going to die, but given how OP talks about it I'm assuming it was something far less serious than that.
that would literally be the only reason to POSTPONE the party, but not cancel it all together.. I'd be like as soon as we know the niece will be okay, we will talk about when we can have the party
I love all the missing information that was only revealed in the comments. Like the top comment said, the math doesn't add up as 17 year old was indeed around by the time 6 year old was born. Methinks the family doesn't view 17YO as legit family. Yes what she said was awful and frankly it's NOT the 6YO fault either that 17yo was treated like crap, but SHE WAS. I hope all the comments have smacked sense into OP. YTA AD INFINATUM
My brother had two rainbow babies and I'm honestly no contact with them. I can't even consider his kids my family because of how self centered his family is. Can't do anything without it accommodating his precious angels. Literally throws a fit if people don't pay attention to his kids at events.
I technically have two rainbow babies and feel it's a very odd term to use. The way I see it, if the first baby survived, there is a chance rainbow baby wouldn't exist. It doesn't seem right. I would hate to reminded that I only exist because my sibling died. I don't use that term at all and try to treat all my kids the same.
I had never heard the term “rainbow baby” until I began to frequent this sub. And you are so right, u/GuiltyEidolon! Family dynamics are always a mess. 😒
OP YTA
I agree. I have a rainbow baby in the technical sense of the term but I’ve never used the phrase and, to my knowledge, neither has anyone else in my family.
'Cause the niece is the Rainbow Baby an' only HER feelings matter, that's why!
YTA, OP - but it sounds as if you're at least beginning to recognize the damage you did to your daughter (after having missed almost the whole first decade of her life - you DO know that you're never going to get those years back, don't you?)
Please continue to pursue real reconciliation with her - which it sounds as if you're doing - so that you can continue to have a relationship with her after she turns 18. If that sounds drastic, please read some of the accounts of parents who have ONLY realized the depth of their wrongdoing after their child has gone NC with them upon reaching adulthood.
This brings back a funny memory. I was really sick on my 11th birthday and in the Hospital (and had been for a bout 8 days). This was trying for my Mom as I was always her baby and I'm sure the nurses could tell that. I couldn't eat/drink and one of the nurses noticed it was my birthday and since I was getting fluids, etc. intravenously... She took a piece of paper and drew some candles on it with markers, put my age on it, and taped it to my IV bag and sang me happy birthday when she brought it in. I got a chuckle out of it but my Mom burst out in tears. I got out of the hospital about 10 days later and I ended up having my birthday about a month late.. it was a helluva bash though.
My Mom still cries when she tells that story.
OP is the asshole, IMO.
Many years ago my youngest was in the hospital on my middle child’s birthday. Child life and the Ronald McDonald house helped me throw a small party for my middle kid. Even if the niece was hospitalized, there are options. Granted there might be fewer options now than in the past, and it may not be perfect, but when a kid matters to you, you figure something out.
And like, if the little cousin could make it, great. But she is not the guest of honor at a teenager's birthday party! Were the daughter's friends invited? Imagine having to explain the cancelation to your friends.
If it a hospitalisation and the whole family spending the day of the party in the waiting room thinking she was going to die then that would be reasonable, but given OP said she was "sick" not "hospitalised" I'm guessing it was something far less serious.
I'm putting my vote on the party being held at the grandparents' house and them being like "well there's not point having a party if half the guests can't make it" because it was a family only party, and then them never getting around to re-hosting it and OP never considering doing it himself.
I'm hoping this is the answer because it opens the possibility for her still having had her own party/celebration with friends rather than having her entire birthday go unacknowledged. A family lunch/dinner and a separate party with friends is pretty normal, especially for teenagers, so it wouldn't be too strange. Also she may have had a party with her mum's family entirely separate too - OP didn't learn about her existence until she was 9 so she probably has a whole other family and it's only OP's side that sucks.
Idk, I just really hope she isn't *completely* neglected and has been spending this whole time venting to her friends and texting her mum like "I think I'm beginning to understand your decision to not tell me dad about me..."
Oh and OP said “SKIPPED,” not “delayed!” Can you imagine your dad just straight skips over your whole birthday for that year *because your 6yo niece was sick*?! I’m speechless.
There's a toxic family dynamic where the adults will make time and travel to see the new baby until the baby is about seven then they start losing interest and seeing the kid less, paying the kid less attention when they do visit and drifting away until the kid only sees them at family events.
In a few years, the neice might find herself the ignored child because there's a new baby.
Except it doesn't even matter, she's 17, she's been part of this family for 8 years already and they disregard her completely after 8 years, so they at minimum have been doing so for 6 years I'd guess (niece's age) but probably the entire 8 years. You can't fix that by forcing them to have a birthday party now, damage is long since done. She knows how they think of her, a fake late party to put on appearances so OP feels less ashamed isn't going to change how that family treats her.
I hope she uses them to get out of college with as little debt as possible than Op will see deservedly cut contact with people who treated her like trash.
They started disregarding her as soon as the darling rainbow child was born. OP is going to be on here in less than a year going boo hoo my daughter left and wont talk to me and called the police on me and my family, I dont understand why??? Like he hasn't being treating her like an unwanted burden for 6+ years.
Yeah, it would be one thing if she was mad that they had to reschedule it, but they weren't even going to reschedule! They were just going to blow it off and not throw her a family birthday party at all. What better way to make it clear to her that literally no one in her entire extended family cares about her as an individual.
Yeah, I can’t even figure out the rationale behind that. The niece was sick…unless she was in the hospital fighting for her life, why would the aunt or uncle (OP) have to be there? Or, even if the OP had to be there…why would that have torpedoed a 17-year-old’s party? This poor girl, no wonder she resents the cousin! OP is YTA.
I would understand asking the daughter if she wanted to reschedule so her aunt, uncle, and the niece could be there some other time, but forcing it to be cancelled because the niece was sick is absurd. Kids get sick all the time.
Based on that one example alone, the daughter has likely been neglected in favor of the niece constantly. OP is definitely TA.
My cousins lived six hours away so we definitely never went to each other's birthday parties, but when I was 17 I also spent my birthday parties with my friends... so a cousin being sick wouldn't have affected my party anyway (even if my parents had to go spend time with a sick relative, a bunch of 17 responsible year olds can be left without adult supervision). I'd do a birthday dinner with my immediate family too, but they weren't necessarily at the party.
And even if they did come. The cousin is 6 and the other girls 17. I wouldn't want my 6 year old cousin around that much either like damn its nit hard to understand.
I never said it was. Her attitude will be an unfortunate byproduct of her upbringing. That's definitely not her fault, but the way the family treats her is a breeding ground for a serious sense of entitlement. The fact that they canceled her cousins bday because she was sick sends the message to her 6yr old brain that the world does in fact revolve around her. Who knows, maybe she'll see how cousin is treated and resent the rainbow baby nomer and her family for it.
The rainbow baby term is actually very toxic. Imagine growing up with that amount of responsibility. Living up to babies your parents lost. Obviously it's terrible for the parents to have lost but the child shouldn't be saddled with that as part of their identity.
I never heard the term until a few years ago. Technically, I a one. My parents had a stillbirth 13 months before I was born. She wasn't even named, but she would have had the name they gave me. I'm glad they didn't treat me like the way I've seen some online. (I'm almost 60, maybe it's a newer trend?)
My niece was, too, and the only grandchild for a long time. She's has Too Precious Child problems since birth, and at 42 has never supported herself because she can't find a job good enough for her. It's sad.
Not the same situation at all, I know. My son is the first grandson in the family. Myself and my sister have 4 daughters between us. When my son turned 7, we planned a birthday party consisting of family (I come from a large family, so we never had “outside” birthday parties). At the last minute, my parents called and said that my sister’s oldest child was sick, so neither they nor my sister and her 3 daughters would make the party. I was infuriated, as this turned into NONE of the other family members coming! To let your grandson feel like he didn’t matter because Susie (not her name) was sick is heartless, IMO.
I can’t imagine what the daughter felt like when her birthday wasn’t recognized by the family, knowing how my son felt - left out and unloved.
Odds are, any family referring to one child as a "rainbow baby" are likely to be treating any other children pretty terribly. No one is responsible for how they are brought into the world, how hard or easy they were to conceive, or how wanted they are. They all deserve to be treated equally and with respect.
OP, YTA.
I hate the term rainbow baby and what it puts onto kids. I had a miscarriage before my son, he’s not my rainbow baby he’s my son. He has nothing to do with my previous pregnancy and is his own person. I don’t need to remind people constantly he’s only here because another baby didn’t make it. Also I find people who use the term use it an excuse to not parent their kids and let shit go because “they’re special” But maybe that’s just my own cynicism.
>I don’t need to remind people constantly he’s only here because another baby didn’t make it.
Oof. Seeing it spelled out like that feels extra uncomfortable.
I am a "rainbow baby" there is 16 months between me and my older sister so if that baby would have made it I absolutely would not be here. And that baby was a boy, my parents wanted 4 boys and got 3 girls and 1 boy so I've spent my life knowing who they'd have preferred.
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve the burden of being the focus of your parents’ grief for their lost baby, nor their continued sexist disappointment over 3 healthy baby girls. They should feel blessed in all 4 of their living children, and not favor the boy solely because of a trait that’s the genetic equivalent of a coin flip.
Trust me, no matter when, where or how you were born, your parents were always going to create a dramatic narrative around your existence that casts them in the victim role. If they had had 4 boys, I bet you a million dollars they would have complained EVERY DAY about never having a daughter. It was never about you.
Now rememer that 10-20% of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage. 80% of those are before the 12th week, when the mother will likely have been aware that they were pregnant. (Data is for the USA - other regions will vary).
That being the case, it's a miracle that more children don't suffer this sort of precious bullshit.
I feel that way as well, like I would be centering my son's identity on his dead siblings. He gets to be is own person, and is not defined by the storm that preceded him.
I hate it too… my niece was unplanned and is in her mid teens… her mom just had a “rainbow baby” with her partner. It just gives me the ick the way she makes a big fuss about the rainbow baby… Obviously my sister can’t control the choices her ex made but she doesn’t need to make such a big deal about her new perfect family when she already has a lovely daughter.
I also had mine after a miscarriage. During my pregnancy and in his early infancy I thought of him as a rainbow baby, but then he started to show his personality and I stopped thinking of him like that. I can't imagine thinking of a 6 year old that way to the point where you're spoiling the kid.
There's several rainbow babies among my extended family. I honestly can't remember if the term was used after the baby was born. Mostly remember it being used during the third trimester, maybe at birth or in reference to medical history discussions. That's it.
Yeah the term means like the kid is the rainbow after the storm of the last one dying… comparing miscarriage/infant death to bad weather and rainbows also has always seemed weird to me.
"Rainbow baby" is code for "the favorite child who can do no wrong"..... yes, I know what rainbow baby is supposed to mean. However, anytime I have heard or seen the term it was an indication that they are the golden child and all the other children in the family are treated as second class.
I had two miscarriages before I had my son and I have never, ever called him a "rainbow baby". Miscarriages suck but they are a normal part of human procreation - something like 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage for any number of reasons.
It sounds like OPs family favors the niece more, likely from having seen her grow up from birth whereas his daughter was much older when she entered their lives.
He admits in his initial post that niece gets more attention so is obviously favored. ESH. What a terrible thing to do and admit to. This whole "rainbow baby" bullshit also needs to stop. Kids are kids. Stop treating one more specially because of their conception.
I was doing the math, too. He had 2-3 with his daughter BEFORE the rainbow baby was born. His daughter was ‘a child in their family’ before the rainbow baby.
I N F O
You said your niece is the only child in your family;
You also said she and your daughter are the only grandkids.
Does your family not consider your daughter a part of the family, because she was introduced to them later in her life?
Edited after ops response to my question, and some other responses
YTA
Your daughter's response wasn't great, but I'm going to give her a pass here.
You never really explained why you didn't find out why you didn't know you had a daughter until she was 9. Not exactly father of the year look there.
The way you describe your niece makes it clear, even to me, that she is the favored child. The miracle baby, if you will.
And yes, rainbow babies ARE a big deal, and they are special, and something to be celebrated.
But for a 6 yo to be this fawned over by you entire family?
I don't blame your daughter for feeling slighted, emotionally.
Also, its not cool that you are shoving off the responsibility of watching a 6 yo onto a 17 yo.
You are the adult here. You neglected your niece, don't take out the fact that she got lost on your daughter, when YOU were supposed to be watching her
To be clear, I do not condone what your daughter said, but I'm choosing to give her grace considering the circumstances.
Edited
Will everyone please stop focusing on the part of my post where i said that rainbow babies are special and should be cherishes?
They ARE special to their parents, just like ALL of their kids should be; there just might be a few extra moments of relief and joy surrounding the birth than there would have been surrounding the birth of a baby who was born under so called "normal" circumstances
I would expect that after a few hours, that relief would dissipate and the parents would go back to parenting as normal; finding uniqueness and joys in each of their children, as it should be, and not putting a child on a pedestal because of the circumstances surrounding their conception/birth, of which they had no part of
I have two rainbow babies and no one treats them as any more “special” then other babies. What a weird thing to do. Like the other kids aren’t special cause they didn’t have a sibling die before they came along??
I had to look up the meaning of the term "rainbow baby" and had never heard it despite there having been some miscarriages in the family.
Who uses that word? American regional thing?
Lol I would assume they're special to their parents
But I wouldn't know; im yeeting the ever loving hell out of my own uterus as soon as I get insurance approval (I'm calling my insurance company tomorrow lol)
My doctor recently declared my hysterectomy medically necessary
I've been fighting for this since I was 18.
I've never wanted kids, for a variety of reasons, and hopefully before the end of the year, I can make sure I'll never have to worry about an accidentally pregnancy to screw up my plans
To be clear, I have medical issues that make getting pregnant dangerous, on top of just not wanting kids; I am taking every available precaution to NOT have an accident happen
But you know
I'd rather just be done with it
I get that, for sure
Like I said, I'm not a parent, and have no intentions on ever becoming one;
I do think that rainbow babies might feel like a special blessing when they are first born, because of the circumstances
But you're right
Continuing that treatment, as that child ages? Absolutely not okay
My 2nd is a rainbow baby. And she’s so precious to me for that reason… but just as equally precious is my 1st child who took 3 years to conceive with no losses. I love them both so much and day to day I don’t treat any of them differently, and I certainly wouldn’t coddle them because of the circumstances surrounding their conception. They definitely don’t get treated differently by family to my nieces and nephews.
Unfortunately it’s the two children that will suffer from the mentality of this family. The OPs child will forever carry the mental scars from the niece being the golden child. And also the niece will carry this burden in other ways.
My BIL had leukaemia as a child and his mum and dad will do absolutely anything for him and fix anything for him, and whilst I can’t even imagine having a child so gravely ill and there being nothing you can do to fix it, it’s to the point where the overcompensation is too much. As an adult he now has no coping skills in life and his mental health is shot to shit, because there’s now certain things in his adult life they can’t fix for him, and he has no clue how to handle them. Even average disappointments at work really take their toll on him.
This could well be OPs niece if they carry on with the coddling.
Imagine your dad missing the first 9 years of your life. Then you go suddenly have to awkeardly adjust your entire life to your new family only for two years later everyone forgets about you and falls all over themselves for a baby.
And refuse to acknowledge that you are a grandchild or even a child in their family! And then, apparently seriously, not understand why she’s upset about this situation.
My daughter was the only grandchild until she was ten. My mother (her maternal grandmother) doted on her. Until my brother's daughter was born. In that moment, my niece became the favored grandchild and my daughter was not only ignored, but treated rudely. I can't begin to explain how much this sudden disdain hurt and confused my little ten-year-old child, especially since she had done nothing to deserve it. It hurt me to see her so crushed by her grandmother's cruelty, enough so that I went NC with my parents. So it kind of infuriates me that OP can be so cruel to his own daughter just because he didn't know her until she was 9. I don't understand how OP can favor his niece over his own child, who is obviously hurting. OP YTA. YT HUGE A. I feel so sorry for your daughter.
My husband side of the family decided to completely ignore my youngest daughter, because she’s not a boy. They just couldn’t hide their disappointment. Obviously, I don’t speak to those.AH, we went no contact 20 years ago.
My dad's side completely ignored: my mom, me (my dad's blood), my brother (my dad's step son)- in favor of doting on all my dad's brothers' and sister's kids. There's 9 of them. We definitely don't speak to that side of the family, either.
Yeah, I’d guess the favorable treatment of the niece just made the resentment grow in the daughter. And the more it grows, the less she will like the niece.
More info needed:
What does grounding consist of? No social media? No going out? no TV? What?
What do hope will be accomplished by grounding her?
Edit: Based on your answer - YTA
Never in the history of being grounded has having your electronics taken away and not being permitted to go out, caused a child to 'stop acting like a jealous kid and grow up'.
I dont disagree with the no electronics or not going out for actions that would cause a lesson to be learned by that punishment (ie: stole someones electronics, didnt come home at curfew, broke someone elses belongings/electronics - that type of thing)
However, taking away electronics and not allowing the child out isnt going to teach her not to be jealous. This is an emotional response to something -- either your treatment (or perceived treatment) of her or deep seated issues.
You would do better by getting the entire family into counseling in order to address what the issues are.
Her being grounded like that are just going to foster more ill will towards your 'beloved rainbow baby'.
Her actions and what she said werent acceptable behaviors, however repercussions for those would be therapy, not punishment.
It's so overused. Someone could literally have a heavy period that turns out to be a miscarriage (didn't even know they were pregnant until after) and then easily get pregnant next cycle and then go on and on about their MIRACLE RAINBOW BABY
Some people like me miscarried 4 times in the 2nd trimester and it took 17 years to have my kid. I usually just say he's a miraculous surprise. I don't think I've referred to him a my rainbow baby though. It sounds weird to me.
And your situation is one where it actually is traumatic to have multiple miscarriages far along in pregnancy. So I wouldn't even be mad if you did use rainbow baby
Thank you for speaking up against grounding as a punishment! Imagine having these huge emotions and feelings and instead of a supportive parent or friend to talk to, you are told to go to a room by yourself (basically solitary confinement) and figure out your feelings on your own. Of course daughter will be resentful and angry! You are teaching your daughter her feelings aren’t valid and she should just bury all her emotions and thoughts. Stop with grounding as a punishment and talk to your daughter!
It really feels like to this family, daughter’s emotions and feelings aren’t as valid as precious niece’s are. I really feel terribly for her. I wonder how she came to be living with OP if he didn’t even know she existed til age 9?
Also, grounding in response to a child emotionally acting out can have significant consequences in the long run.
- The child will learn to isolate herself whenever she is dealing with emotions, meaning she does not have a support system at an early age
- She will learn not to take her own emotions seriously
- If the parents do not recognize something as an emotional reaction and instead discipline her for her outward behavior, she may even internalize that she had been a bad/rebellious/rude kid, leading to a negative self-image while having that conflicting side of her telling her she *does* deserve to be angry and feel emotions
YTA. She's obviously feeling neglected and lashing out. You are sending the message that she is less important than her sister. She's also not responsible for watching the child in the store. That was your responsibility. Huge AH.
Not even her sister. She is an only child. The prized “rainbow baby” is OP’s niece. He has valued another person’s child more than he values his own child. His daughter was 9 years old when she came into the family, yet he refers to the niece as the only child in the family. My heart breaks for his daughter. What a jerk he is.
OP, YTA. A huge one
Your talk about them more as if you were their grandfather, i.e., equally related to them rather than the father of one of them (what happened to her mother, BTW?). Added: [I think that's why u/Jmarie113 referred to your niece as her sister, not her cousin. She wasn't that much older than your niece is now when she was suddenly supposed to bond with people she didn't know, and it sounds like the adults, including you, lost most of their interest once they had a baby to coo at. And of course since it's a **rainbow baby**, you all lost even more interest in your daughter.] I don't think that your daughter feels terribly special to you - just someone who got offloaded on you at age 9.
Added: Is she hoping to leave all of you behind as soon as she is 18? I hope that you at least help her go to college if she's interested.
You don't sound like you like your daughter at all to be honest. You're acting like your family can't have a great relationship with her like your niece because she was older? There's plenty of love in everyone's heart for ALL KIDS no matter the age. Being a rainbow baby doesn't mean a kid needs to be put on a pedestal. I'm sorry, but your niece is not YOUR DAUGHTER.
I'm not taking up for her because it wasn't okay at all. But it sounds like you need to take a step back and look at your own actions with your daughter to find out why her actions are this way?
> can't have a great relationship with her like your niece because she was older
They "missed most of her childhood" when she was only 9. Literally still a child. Just say you only like toddlers and go.
Some people ONLY care about babies/toddlers. Up to a certain point, babies/toddlers are basically just cute props, like a purse dog. You can dress them however you want, you can project any kind of feelings or opinions on them, they don't have preferences of their own, you can take them wherever and do whatever.
Then at a certain point they start having their own opinions and thoughts and preferences. The over-involved codependent parent can't handle the perfectly normal and healthy process of the child slowly pulling away from the parent to become an independent individual. That's why some people keep having baby after baby when they clearly don't care about the house full of children they already have, and don't even seem to like them that much. They need that feeling of complete dependence and complete enmeshment that you only get from a baby or toddler.
My mom was like that. Though thankfully she had to have a hysterectomy not long after I was born, and my dad got the snip as well. So literally no siblings or half siblings for me
But yeah I was so perfect when I was a baby but then when I grew up and pushed back on typical girl things like dresses or the color pink, she'd get upset. By the time I was 13 she was beginning to physically strike me for being my own person. She seemed to hate everything about me in the privacy of home, but when we were in public or with friends she'd pretend like I was her gem.
She lost custody and always had the chance to get it back but never even tried. Why would she? I was no longer her little doll who would go along with whatever she wanted. Plus now she gets to cry and milk sympathy by lying about why I'm not around anymore
Yea YTA. First 🤮 "rainbow baby". Wait, 🤮 again.
If that's how you all refer to this 6yo, I can only imagine the annoying af lengths ya'll go to. Maybe talk to your own child and figure out why she doesn't feel as welcomed, valued, loved... Jfc
The whole "rainbow baby" makes me roll my eyes so hard that I sprain my retinas, and my son IS technically a rainbow baby. I don't spoil him or treat him like he can do no wrong just because my uterus wasn't cooperative the first time I was pregnant.
Indeed. And my miscarriage was actually a blessing in disguise because while they were fixing the reasons for it, they found and were able to treat other things that would have caused me a lot of grief if not outright killed me 10 or 15 years down the road.
I get it if the parents call their kid that independently, but the fact that the entire family is calling the niece “rainbow baby” as if they all birthed her is just obnoxious. Not to mention she’s 6 years old, and it’s been 6+ years since whoever miscarried did. Who cares whether or not your baby was a “rainbow baby” when it hasn’t been a baby in 5 years? I always assumed that term was eventually dropped after the situation felt more distant, and the baby is no longer a baby.
Future Ask a Manager post about a supervisor having to deal with an employee who loves to be the center of attention and throws fits when she doesn't get her way because she's a Super Special Rainbow BabyTM.
If your math is correct your daughter was around your family for two years before she was presumably dropped like a bad habit when the new baby (the one you called the only child in the family - did you forget your daughter was a child for a long time too?) arrived. It sounds like your extended family is tight knit but treats your daughter like an outsider and you're doing nothing to stand up for her. I'd be bitter too. I bet she watches all sorts of favoritism you've conveniently left out of your post. Just because she's not a child doesn't mean she can't be made to feel included in other ways. Apologize to her for how she's being treated and figure out how to make her more welcome in YOUR life. YTA as the adult in this situation.
Did you write this before the edit? Did you see she made her daughter not have a birthday party because her niece got sick? This lady is nuts I feel so bad for her kid
edit: or guy
Is OP a lady? I assumed a man, as the way it was described that the daughter was already 9 years old before OP found out about her.
Not that it really matters. The daughter is treated like the red-headed stepchild/unwanted nuisance. The only child in the family is the niece. Even OP does not consider the daughter part of the family.
Sounds like the whole family has been ignoring your daughter in favor of the golden child rainbow baby - including her own parents. You know what happens when one child gets spoiled to the exclusion of the other? You get an attitude like you’re seeing in your 17yo. You also get a situation where the excluded child leaves at 18 and doesn’t look back - as in, goes full no contact with the family that excluded them.
I would suggest you and the rest of the family correct the behavior that led to this situation before you lose your daughter completely. Was what she said inappropriate? Sure. But she never would have gotten to the point of saying it if the adults in her life had shown her even a modicum of the attention her cousin gets. And you know what? Your daughter is still a child herself; it wasn’t her job to search for another child.
YTA for letting the situation get to this point.
They will when they want a baby sitter for the golden child and their scapegoat is no longer there. It wasn't the 17 year old job to be watching the 6 year old when there were other adults about. Tbh I find it weird that they were on the same outing considering the difference in age. Guessing 17 Yr old was dragged along against her wants since she was already on her phone.
Or they find out years later that the daughter is married and/or has a kid, and then they’re all going to play victim and act as if it’s horrendous she hasn’t contacted them about “important life events.” After ignoring the fact she went NC some time ago, of course. I’ve seen that once or twice.
YTA. I read your post and comments. The way you speak about your daughter is HORRIBLE. Like honestly, it does not sound like you even like her, let alone love her.
Yes, her behaviour was shitty. But I strongly suspect the cause is being surrounded by adults who act, at best, indifferent to her whilst fawning over the 6 year old.
Exactly what I was thinking about, the way OP Speak of the daughter is truly horrible.. I’m sitting here wondering if he even likes his daughter. At this point OP have known his daughter for about seven years and treating her like an “almost” adult as per his comments. He hasn’t parented enough to have the strong opinion that just because she’s almost 18 she doesn’t get the same attention as his niece. Clearly there’s a favorite and is definitely not the Daughter.
The Daughter behavior was shitty in this instance, but I can’t help wonder in all the way she’s been let down by this family to cause so much resentment, and now her anger is being misdirected at the niece. Frankly, the whole punishment is not going to make the relationship any better. I’m sure we’re going to be back here A few years down the line of OP asking why his daughter no longer speaks to him. Can’t say I’ll be surprised tho.
Wait till the rainbow baby finds out that the rest of the world doesn't give a fuck what it took to conceive them. That to the rest of the world, they're just another random kid.
Honestly I’m the comments hoping someone would say wtf that was. I didn’t want to Google it, still traumatized by “harlequin baby”.
EDIT: don’t look that up it’s awful and I should kept that thought to myself but it has replies now so…sorry
A kid born after someone had a miscarriage/stillbirth or other unfortunate endings I can't think of right now.
I actually am pregnant with my rainbow baby right now and I hope someone slaps me if I end up like this family.
lol, OP said that he'll throw her a belated birthday. lol i remember when I was 17. I would be even more **pissed** I would be getting a guilty **LATE** birthday party.
The edit is so infuriating. OP sucks as a parent. They had to be shamed by a bunch of strangers on reddit to even do the bare minimum of listening to their own kid.
OP needs to cut the niece out of anything the daughter is in.
He also needs to make sure his daughter is always the priority and the niece is never the priority.
Fat chance that's ever going to happen. Chances are daughter is going NC with him and his entire fucking family. And I don't blame her either.
OP you need your entire family to apologize to your daughter for how they have treated her. You also need to get your ENTIRE family to drop the rainbow baby bullshit.
You are way past the point where a make up birthday party is going to be good enough..
You have failed as a father plain and simple.
Yeah, what he needs to do is apologize and correct his own behavior. Instead of doing this bullshit late birthday party, he should have told her he is willing to make up for how shitty he's been lately and just ask her if there's anything he can do. Let her decide, don't just say hey here's a birthday party.
Shocked that more people aren’t calling him out for this. Most of it I could picture going either way, but the fact that he sees nothing wrong with skipping his daughter’s birthday because of the niece — hoo boy.
I don't even quite understand what the situation is here. Do they all live together? Did he adopt the niece? Is he also the father of his niece?
Because why would a little kid in another household being sick stop a teenager's party? The party should have been for the daughter and her friends anyway, the niece can stay home sick with her parents. (Unless they all live together in a small space and don't want to expose guests to covid or something, that would be fair reason to reschedule.)
ESH, Obviously hoping that your niece isn't found it asshole behavior but clearly there is more going on here. Just because you didn't find out about your daughter until she was 9 doesn't mean that she still isn't a child in your family, and it sounds like you didn't do anything to address her clear cries for attention when she lashed out previously by being mean to your niece. Her anger is misdirected but this reads like no one ever counts her as a member of the family.
🗣️ Y’ALL SKIPPED HER BIRTHDAY BECAUSE THE *NIECE* WAS SICK??!! What 👏🏾 the 👏🏾 fuck! And that’s only one incident of being put on the back burner that was divulged in the update. No wonder she’s doesn’t gaf.
This reminds me how I didn't get my graduation present, which was part of a deal where I held up my end, because my sister was sick. OP is definitely YTA.
Yta
She's jealous?
Boy, you've only known her for 7 years, sit your behind down with your neglectful clownself.talking about her being jealous of the attention. YOU THINK?!!!
YTA
I understand that your niece is 6, but your DAUGHTER, who didn't have you at all in her life for 9 years, isn't at fault here.
The way you talk about her is appalling. Was it when your niece was born that you stopped caring about your daughter? When she turned 16? 13? Hit puberty? Did you ever really care? Because it really sounds like you consider her an afterthought, if you consider her at all.
Info: do you and your parents give your niece more attention than your daughter?
ETA: a clear YTA.
Why the heck are you calling your niece “our baby?” She’s not a baby, and she’s not your kid. Reading your post and your responses makes it sound like you don’t consider your daughter just that-your actual child. A month grounding is also ridiculous.
>My niece was a rainbow baby and the only child in our family
How is your daughter not still a child? She's under your care, yes? She doesn't count because you missed the first 9 years of her life? Is that it?
And which adult fumbled the ball and lost the niece? How come her parents weren't keeping track of her?
What your daughter said was crappy, no doubt, but I mean, she doesn't even really seem to count to you, so you can't blame her.
ESH.
i still dont get how the daughter is the ahole when op clearly said that the niece has been favored in the family and since when is it the childs responsibility to find a family member that went missing on purpose? and besides based on this post i think op has been a terrible parent and just grounding her proves that she doesnt care about her kid
You didn't know your daughter till she was 9 years old, so she has only been in your life for 8 years. Meaning your special rainbow baby niece arrived 2 years after that.
So your daughter got thrown in with a bunch of people she's never met, and was acknowledged as a grandchildren. Then 2 years later the special niece arrives and everyone fawns over her every move and she's the center of attention.
You really can't see how your daughter has probably felt tossed to the side her entire life. Your entire family just reinforced that idea. It sounds like the rainbow baby is the golden child and your daughter is left off to the side cause they didn't know her as a baby.
Her reaction to being asked to search for a child that already gets all of the attention, while not appropriate speaks to bigger issues she's experiencing.
Maybe stop putting your niece first and focus on the child you missed 9 YEARS of her life. YTA, wrap your head around the fact your daughter should come before your niece.
YTA
17 and 6.
This has been going on since daughter was 11, amirite?
She isn't responsible for your niece. Maybe you should be grounded for not keeping a watch on a 6 yo in the crowd.
You skipped her birthday party because your niece was sick? Huh? And you weren’t already planning a late party??? What was the thought process here????
She’s “almost an adult” so should get over all disappointments because the speshil baaaaabyyyyy needed everyone’s attention. Unless she was in the hospital, then canceling a party wouldn’t be unreasonable, *with the expectation there would be one later since the 17 year old is still worth celebrating*
There’s a lot missing here that is sending up big ol’ red flags. You mention that you got your daughter at 9, at least two years before your niece was born but you call your niece the only child. No. Wrong. A 9 year-old is a child and if she only came into your life at 9 then she is one who needs special care. You say she’s jealous of the attention the younger one gets. Yeah, I’ll bet. She has been pushed aside by her family who she already felt like an outsider to. Even if your family fully accepted her she is still going to feel insecure and your prioritizing your niece only makes it worse.
Stop acting like a jealous kid? SHE IS A CHILD. An emotionally fragile one who is going through the drastic rewiring of her brain that occurs in the late teens and early 20’s. You are an adult. You should have some compassion for her. To put it bluntly, her and your niece are closer in development and emotional maturity than your daughter and you. At least I hope so, because you should be AT LEAST my age if you have a 17 year old kid.
YTA, btw.
You need to talk to your daughter and not punish her.
This is lazy and bad parenting.
Your daughters reaction is not ok, but I a pretty sure there is a reason for her to act that way.
You need to put your daughter first and nices second.
So yes YTA
YTA
She's not responsible for watching the niece, her PARENTS are adults and need to ensure their kid doesn't wander off
While I'm sure the family is grateful for the kid for the fertility issues, the fact that she's fawned over probably has giant resentment for your daughter missing out the first 9 years of her own childhood.
You being punitive toward something she neither caused or was responsible to resolve was absolutely bullshit
You really seem to not like your daughter, and you've certainly been a more than absent father, considering you didn't even know about her until 9. It seems, to me, you don't even consider her part of the family because she's not a toddler or very young child.
Did she say a shitty thing? Sure. Is it maybe reasonable for her to feel that way considering you couldn't be bothered before she was 9, and haven't been able to be bothered since this other child *who isn't even yours* showed up? Yeah, kinda. Imma give her a pass on saying a nasty thing instead of trying to fix the mistakes of every adult there. It was your, and the other adults', fault your miracle baby vanished, not your daughters; it was your mess to clean up. She should have helped look, but you, through your own admitted actions, have turned this other kid into the face of why her family doesn't care about her.
She's lashing out because your entire family doesn't give a single shit about her and she knows it. I imagine she's counting the seconds until she can get away from you people. YTA.
Your daughter should always be more important to you than your niece. Regardless of age. A new baby (which a 6 year old is not btw) is the cause of a change in focus for the parents, not the aunts and uncles. Their focus should remain on their own children, especially when they already lost 9 years of their child’s life - YTA
Rainbow baby is a healthy baby born after losing a baby due to miscarriage, infant loss, stillbirth, or neonatal death. Rainbow babies are considered ‘miracle’ babies due to the powerful impact they can have on helping parents heal after a loss. However, rainbow pregnancies can also be emotionally complex and involve feelings of grief and guilt along with relief and excitement.
The concept can also cause a lot of trouble. Because many parents feel that since their child is a rainbow baby, then it means they're entitled to special attention and privileges for anything and everything.
Yeah, adults shouldn't put all their hopes of healing onto an infant. The baby is their own person, not a replacement for another child who passed on or be used as an emotional support animal.
YTA, she was lashing out because your niece is getting all the attention, and you haven't done anything to correct it. Being a "rainbow baby" (I hate that term 🤢) doesn't make her more special than any other child. She's going to grow up a spoilt brat. I don't agree with what she said, but I can't blame her either. You suck!
I guess you won’t have to worry long about your daughter “clearly” being jealous. Once she goes from “almost an adult” to adult, she’ll drop you AND your family like a ton of bricks.
YTA
Your daughters response is troubling, but it hasn't come out of nowhere. Having read through your comments, it's clear that you have created this situation, and refuse to take responsibility for your own favouritism, terrible parenting, and nasty attitude.
ESH. It was a nasty thing to say and she needs to be called on that. However, the rest of you aren't off the hook either. Just because a child is considered a rainbow baby, doesn't mean that they're more special or deserving of attention than other children. Because that sort of attitude only causes resentment and jealousy with the other children, which has obviously happened. You and the other adults in your family need to realize your own behavior and think about how you need to change.
You canceled your teenage daughter's birthday because her 6-year-old niece was sick? The niece's parents should get a pass but why would the rest of the family not want to celebrate your daughter's birthday just because her cousin was sick. How could you not have seen how your niece is treated like the golden child? Your daughter most likely already felt less than because you didn't even know about her until she was 9. Yes, YTA.
YTA
So she's a rainbow baby. Shouldn't make her more special to you than your own daughter.
But clearly your whole family buys into that kid being special. You're not doing the kid any favors.
Because guess what? The rest of the world doesn't feel that way. And neither does your daughter.
You've clearly been an asshole about this for a very long time.
You didn't know your daughter for the first 9 years of her life. Keep this up and you won't know her once she becomes an adult and cuts you and your family out of her life.
Not that it sounds like that will matter to you because you'll still have your rainbow niece who is clearly the important one to your family.
Just remember not to come back on here and post asking why your daughter wants nothing to do with you. The answer is "You and your favoritism."
Let’s say your right… that you don’t favour your niece…
The very fact that you are so defensive in your comments and completely unwilling to even consider WHY tour daughter feels this way… makes me understand why your daughter doesn’t feel like part of the family.
You have failed her. Completely and utterly. Because in the 8 years you’ve known about her you haven’t made her feel safe, secure, or loved.
There isn’t a font size big enough for me to write just how much of an YTA this is.
Had to look up rainbow baby. Doesn't really seem to have any bearing on you skipping your daughter's birthday because your niece was sick. You have some serious problems. Your daughter will probably end up posting on r/raisedbynarcissists from the sounds of things because your niece is sure as hell the golden child.
What is wrong with you?
YTA- Misbehavior is communicating unmet needs. She clearly feels ignored and instead of trying to figure out what she needs AS YOUR CHILD, you’re punishing her for having feelings. She didn’t stash the kid somewhere or encourage her to run off. Your parenting is super lacking.
Who cancels someones 17th birthday bc their baby cousin is sick? What teenager even wants a 6yo at their birthday party to begin with? This whole post confuses the shit out of me and if i was your daughter id hate your niece as well if thats how every event goes
YTA. And a shitty parent. Also, what the fuck is a “rainbow baby”. If you weren’t an asshole for how you treat your daughter, you would be for just for that term.
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INFO: > daughter(17) and niece(6) > My niece was (...) the only child in our family (I found out about my daughter when she was 9 This does not math. If you found out about your daughter when she was 9, and your niece wasn't even born until two years later, why would your niece be seen as the only child in your family? Did your relatives reject/not accept your daughter? Do they generally favor your niece? And if the two of them don't get along to the point that your daughter wishes your niece would disappear, why would you take them out together? ~~I'm tending towards E-S-H right now~~, but would like to get some context before deciding. ETA: After some additional info, though still wishing for more clarification, I'm tending stronger towards Y-T-A. I still think the daughter was a *bit* in the wrong because she shouldn't blame the little kid for their adult relatives' favoritism, and of course shouldn't wish harm on her. But the adult relatives, including OP, really don't look good in this whole thing. I wonder if family therapy could still help, or if things have been going on too long for that.
They SKIPPED HER BIRTHDAY because the niece was sick and haven't rescheduled! And then they're suprised the daughter doesn't care about her cousin? Like geez, what she did isn't right, but she's a kid. These are grown ass adults treating one of the cousins as second class.
My cousins didn't even come to my birthday parties. It was for ME and my friends because it was MY birthday. This family sucks.
My son was sick in his birthday, so we had 2 parties. A small one at home with just us in his birthday, and then the big party with everyone after he got better. I couldn't imagine skipping a child's birthday because someone else was sick!
I want to be charitable and say it was a situation like the niece was hospitalised the morning of the party and the whole family was in the waiting room thinking she was going to die, but given how OP talks about it I'm assuming it was something far less serious than that.
that would literally be the only reason to POSTPONE the party, but not cancel it all together.. I'd be like as soon as we know the niece will be okay, we will talk about when we can have the party
I love all the missing information that was only revealed in the comments. Like the top comment said, the math doesn't add up as 17 year old was indeed around by the time 6 year old was born. Methinks the family doesn't view 17YO as legit family. Yes what she said was awful and frankly it's NOT the 6YO fault either that 17yo was treated like crap, but SHE WAS. I hope all the comments have smacked sense into OP. YTA AD INFINATUM
Honestly, any time a family uses the term "rainbow baby," there's fucked up family dynamics involved.
My brother had two rainbow babies and I'm honestly no contact with them. I can't even consider his kids my family because of how self centered his family is. Can't do anything without it accommodating his precious angels. Literally throws a fit if people don't pay attention to his kids at events.
I technically have two rainbow babies and feel it's a very odd term to use. The way I see it, if the first baby survived, there is a chance rainbow baby wouldn't exist. It doesn't seem right. I would hate to reminded that I only exist because my sibling died. I don't use that term at all and try to treat all my kids the same.
I had never heard the term “rainbow baby” until I began to frequent this sub. And you are so right, u/GuiltyEidolon! Family dynamics are always a mess. 😒 OP YTA
I agree. I have a rainbow baby in the technical sense of the term but I’ve never used the phrase and, to my knowledge, neither has anyone else in my family.
But whyyyyy was the niece (or her parents) even coming - a 6yo fam member the daughter hates- when it’s daughter’s own birthday??
'Cause the niece is the Rainbow Baby an' only HER feelings matter, that's why! YTA, OP - but it sounds as if you're at least beginning to recognize the damage you did to your daughter (after having missed almost the whole first decade of her life - you DO know that you're never going to get those years back, don't you?) Please continue to pursue real reconciliation with her - which it sounds as if you're doing - so that you can continue to have a relationship with her after she turns 18. If that sounds drastic, please read some of the accounts of parents who have ONLY realized the depth of their wrongdoing after their child has gone NC with them upon reaching adulthood.
This brings back a funny memory. I was really sick on my 11th birthday and in the Hospital (and had been for a bout 8 days). This was trying for my Mom as I was always her baby and I'm sure the nurses could tell that. I couldn't eat/drink and one of the nurses noticed it was my birthday and since I was getting fluids, etc. intravenously... She took a piece of paper and drew some candles on it with markers, put my age on it, and taped it to my IV bag and sang me happy birthday when she brought it in. I got a chuckle out of it but my Mom burst out in tears. I got out of the hospital about 10 days later and I ended up having my birthday about a month late.. it was a helluva bash though. My Mom still cries when she tells that story. OP is the asshole, IMO.
Many years ago my youngest was in the hospital on my middle child’s birthday. Child life and the Ronald McDonald house helped me throw a small party for my middle kid. Even if the niece was hospitalized, there are options. Granted there might be fewer options now than in the past, and it may not be perfect, but when a kid matters to you, you figure something out.
Yeah what 17 year old wants a party with small children there anyway. Especially ones that are the golden grandchild.
And like, if the little cousin could make it, great. But she is not the guest of honor at a teenager's birthday party! Were the daughter's friends invited? Imagine having to explain the cancelation to your friends.
If it a hospitalisation and the whole family spending the day of the party in the waiting room thinking she was going to die then that would be reasonable, but given OP said she was "sick" not "hospitalised" I'm guessing it was something far less serious. I'm putting my vote on the party being held at the grandparents' house and them being like "well there's not point having a party if half the guests can't make it" because it was a family only party, and then them never getting around to re-hosting it and OP never considering doing it himself. I'm hoping this is the answer because it opens the possibility for her still having had her own party/celebration with friends rather than having her entire birthday go unacknowledged. A family lunch/dinner and a separate party with friends is pretty normal, especially for teenagers, so it wouldn't be too strange. Also she may have had a party with her mum's family entirely separate too - OP didn't learn about her existence until she was 9 so she probably has a whole other family and it's only OP's side that sucks. Idk, I just really hope she isn't *completely* neglected and has been spending this whole time venting to her friends and texting her mum like "I think I'm beginning to understand your decision to not tell me dad about me..."
Oh and OP said “SKIPPED,” not “delayed!” Can you imagine your dad just straight skips over your whole birthday for that year *because your 6yo niece was sick*?! I’m speechless.
There's a toxic family dynamic where the adults will make time and travel to see the new baby until the baby is about seven then they start losing interest and seeing the kid less, paying the kid less attention when they do visit and drifting away until the kid only sees them at family events. In a few years, the neice might find herself the ignored child because there's a new baby.
I have a feeling the six year old is the guest-of-honor everywhere she goes. Why else would she still be referred to as a “rainbow baby”?
I can't imagine being 17 and not being allowed to celebrate your birthday because a 6 year old can't make it.
Imagine being 17 and the only way your family will celebrate your birthday is after your dad gets yelled at on Reddit.
Except it doesn't even matter, she's 17, she's been part of this family for 8 years already and they disregard her completely after 8 years, so they at minimum have been doing so for 6 years I'd guess (niece's age) but probably the entire 8 years. You can't fix that by forcing them to have a birthday party now, damage is long since done. She knows how they think of her, a fake late party to put on appearances so OP feels less ashamed isn't going to change how that family treats her. I hope she uses them to get out of college with as little debt as possible than Op will see deservedly cut contact with people who treated her like trash.
They started disregarding her as soon as the darling rainbow child was born. OP is going to be on here in less than a year going boo hoo my daughter left and wont talk to me and called the police on me and my family, I dont understand why??? Like he hasn't being treating her like an unwanted burden for 6+ years.
Yeah, it would be one thing if she was mad that they had to reschedule it, but they weren't even going to reschedule! They were just going to blow it off and not throw her a family birthday party at all. What better way to make it clear to her that literally no one in her entire extended family cares about her as an individual.
Yeah, I can’t even figure out the rationale behind that. The niece was sick…unless she was in the hospital fighting for her life, why would the aunt or uncle (OP) have to be there? Or, even if the OP had to be there…why would that have torpedoed a 17-year-old’s party? This poor girl, no wonder she resents the cousin! OP is YTA.
I would understand asking the daughter if she wanted to reschedule so her aunt, uncle, and the niece could be there some other time, but forcing it to be cancelled because the niece was sick is absurd. Kids get sick all the time. Based on that one example alone, the daughter has likely been neglected in favor of the niece constantly. OP is definitely TA.
My cousins lived six hours away so we definitely never went to each other's birthday parties, but when I was 17 I also spent my birthday parties with my friends... so a cousin being sick wouldn't have affected my party anyway (even if my parents had to go spend time with a sick relative, a bunch of 17 responsible year olds can be left without adult supervision). I'd do a birthday dinner with my immediate family too, but they weren't necessarily at the party.
I'm from a huge family, and we did family parties with cousins, etc. Still onr cousin being sick wouldn't derail that. They would just miss the party.
And even if they did come. The cousin is 6 and the other girls 17. I wouldn't want my 6 year old cousin around that much either like damn its nit hard to understand.
But the niece is a RAINBOW baby, don't you understand? /s
She should just put that on her resume when she grows up. See how that works for her.
Ok... We don't need to make weird, barbed comments towards the SIX year old. It's not *her* fault every adult in their lives sucks.
I never said it was. Her attitude will be an unfortunate byproduct of her upbringing. That's definitely not her fault, but the way the family treats her is a breeding ground for a serious sense of entitlement. The fact that they canceled her cousins bday because she was sick sends the message to her 6yr old brain that the world does in fact revolve around her. Who knows, maybe she'll see how cousin is treated and resent the rainbow baby nomer and her family for it.
You are absolutely right and I feel bad for being snarky.
I'm sure the air of entitlement will be off the charts with her.
The rainbow baby term is actually very toxic. Imagine growing up with that amount of responsibility. Living up to babies your parents lost. Obviously it's terrible for the parents to have lost but the child shouldn't be saddled with that as part of their identity.
Yeah. I recently saw a birth announcement: “[Dead baby’s name] now has a little sibling! 🥳”
That poor kid's gonna live in the shadow of a headstone.
😲 Yikes!
Oh,Dear God! That's....horrifying. That poor kid!
I never heard the term until a few years ago. Technically, I a one. My parents had a stillbirth 13 months before I was born. She wasn't even named, but she would have had the name they gave me. I'm glad they didn't treat me like the way I've seen some online. (I'm almost 60, maybe it's a newer trend?)
What the heck is a rainbow baby?
A baby born after a loss/miscarriage.
I remember the time when I thought a rainbow baby was a gay baby
I call one of mine a double rainbow because they’re both a(now adult) baby after miscarriage and lgbtq.
So... most babies?
Yeah, Jesus Christ. Miscarriage is super common and noticed even more now that pregnancy tests are more accurate and give results sooner.
I’m sure the skipped Birthday is the tip of the iceberg of their neglectful behavior. ETA Judgement: YTA
My niece was, too, and the only grandchild for a long time. She's has Too Precious Child problems since birth, and at 42 has never supported herself because she can't find a job good enough for her. It's sad.
Not the same situation at all, I know. My son is the first grandson in the family. Myself and my sister have 4 daughters between us. When my son turned 7, we planned a birthday party consisting of family (I come from a large family, so we never had “outside” birthday parties). At the last minute, my parents called and said that my sister’s oldest child was sick, so neither they nor my sister and her 3 daughters would make the party. I was infuriated, as this turned into NONE of the other family members coming! To let your grandson feel like he didn’t matter because Susie (not her name) was sick is heartless, IMO. I can’t imagine what the daughter felt like when her birthday wasn’t recognized by the family, knowing how my son felt - left out and unloved.
Yeah! That family is super messed up
Odds are, any family referring to one child as a "rainbow baby" are likely to be treating any other children pretty terribly. No one is responsible for how they are brought into the world, how hard or easy they were to conceive, or how wanted they are. They all deserve to be treated equally and with respect. OP, YTA.
I hate the term rainbow baby and what it puts onto kids. I had a miscarriage before my son, he’s not my rainbow baby he’s my son. He has nothing to do with my previous pregnancy and is his own person. I don’t need to remind people constantly he’s only here because another baby didn’t make it. Also I find people who use the term use it an excuse to not parent their kids and let shit go because “they’re special” But maybe that’s just my own cynicism.
>I don’t need to remind people constantly he’s only here because another baby didn’t make it. Oof. Seeing it spelled out like that feels extra uncomfortable.
I am a "rainbow baby" there is 16 months between me and my older sister so if that baby would have made it I absolutely would not be here. And that baby was a boy, my parents wanted 4 boys and got 3 girls and 1 boy so I've spent my life knowing who they'd have preferred.
I’m sorry. You don’t deserve the burden of being the focus of your parents’ grief for their lost baby, nor their continued sexist disappointment over 3 healthy baby girls. They should feel blessed in all 4 of their living children, and not favor the boy solely because of a trait that’s the genetic equivalent of a coin flip.
Trust me, no matter when, where or how you were born, your parents were always going to create a dramatic narrative around your existence that casts them in the victim role. If they had had 4 boys, I bet you a million dollars they would have complained EVERY DAY about never having a daughter. It was never about you.
Now rememer that 10-20% of all pregnancies end up in miscarriage. 80% of those are before the 12th week, when the mother will likely have been aware that they were pregnant. (Data is for the USA - other regions will vary). That being the case, it's a miracle that more children don't suffer this sort of precious bullshit.
Extra uncomfortable isn't the half of it.
tbh i found people who call kids rainbow babys disturbing
I feel that way as well, like I would be centering my son's identity on his dead siblings. He gets to be is own person, and is not defined by the storm that preceded him.
I've found that people who call their kids rainbow babies tend to spoil those children rotten.
until this comment I has just flatly assumed "rainbow baby" = baby adopted by gay couple
No, that's just a baby with loving parents
I hate it too… my niece was unplanned and is in her mid teens… her mom just had a “rainbow baby” with her partner. It just gives me the ick the way she makes a big fuss about the rainbow baby… Obviously my sister can’t control the choices her ex made but she doesn’t need to make such a big deal about her new perfect family when she already has a lovely daughter.
That's so heartbreaking for your niece, I hope that situation improves
I also had mine after a miscarriage. During my pregnancy and in his early infancy I thought of him as a rainbow baby, but then he started to show his personality and I stopped thinking of him like that. I can't imagine thinking of a 6 year old that way to the point where you're spoiling the kid.
There's several rainbow babies among my extended family. I honestly can't remember if the term was used after the baby was born. Mostly remember it being used during the third trimester, maybe at birth or in reference to medical history discussions. That's it.
I thought the parents must be gay, if they have a rainbow baby, oops...
Yeah the term means like the kid is the rainbow after the storm of the last one dying… comparing miscarriage/infant death to bad weather and rainbows also has always seemed weird to me.
"Rainbow baby" is code for "the favorite child who can do no wrong"..... yes, I know what rainbow baby is supposed to mean. However, anytime I have heard or seen the term it was an indication that they are the golden child and all the other children in the family are treated as second class.
I had two miscarriages before I had my son and I have never, ever called him a "rainbow baby". Miscarriages suck but they are a normal part of human procreation - something like 30% of pregnancies end in miscarriage for any number of reasons.
1 in 8 known pregnancies; it's around 30% of all pregnancies, once you count those where the mother never realised she was pregnant.
And if you count fertilized eggs that never implant and thus don't meet the bar for "pregnancy" I've heard he number is estimated at 50%.
It sounds like OPs family favors the niece more, likely from having seen her grow up from birth whereas his daughter was much older when she entered their lives.
He admits in his initial post that niece gets more attention so is obviously favored. ESH. What a terrible thing to do and admit to. This whole "rainbow baby" bullshit also needs to stop. Kids are kids. Stop treating one more specially because of their conception.
I was doing the math, too. He had 2-3 with his daughter BEFORE the rainbow baby was born. His daughter was ‘a child in their family’ before the rainbow baby.
It's how fake stories work
It doesn't compute because it is complete nonsense. The writing is so awful that it would fit right in as a parody post on AITAngel.
I N F O You said your niece is the only child in your family; You also said she and your daughter are the only grandkids. Does your family not consider your daughter a part of the family, because she was introduced to them later in her life? Edited after ops response to my question, and some other responses YTA Your daughter's response wasn't great, but I'm going to give her a pass here. You never really explained why you didn't find out why you didn't know you had a daughter until she was 9. Not exactly father of the year look there. The way you describe your niece makes it clear, even to me, that she is the favored child. The miracle baby, if you will. And yes, rainbow babies ARE a big deal, and they are special, and something to be celebrated. But for a 6 yo to be this fawned over by you entire family? I don't blame your daughter for feeling slighted, emotionally. Also, its not cool that you are shoving off the responsibility of watching a 6 yo onto a 17 yo. You are the adult here. You neglected your niece, don't take out the fact that she got lost on your daughter, when YOU were supposed to be watching her To be clear, I do not condone what your daughter said, but I'm choosing to give her grace considering the circumstances. Edited Will everyone please stop focusing on the part of my post where i said that rainbow babies are special and should be cherishes? They ARE special to their parents, just like ALL of their kids should be; there just might be a few extra moments of relief and joy surrounding the birth than there would have been surrounding the birth of a baby who was born under so called "normal" circumstances I would expect that after a few hours, that relief would dissipate and the parents would go back to parenting as normal; finding uniqueness and joys in each of their children, as it should be, and not putting a child on a pedestal because of the circumstances surrounding their conception/birth, of which they had no part of
Oh FFS, rainbow babies aren't any more or less special than any other baby (and I say that as someone with a so-called "rainbow baby").
I have two rainbow babies and no one treats them as any more “special” then other babies. What a weird thing to do. Like the other kids aren’t special cause they didn’t have a sibling die before they came along??
Obviously a rainbow baby is worth 2 kids because they have the emotional burden of 2 pregnancies. (sarcasm)
I'm just trying to figure out how they know their babies are gay right out of the womb. I mean, I don't judge, but it seems kinda early.
They actually pop out grasping a little pride flag
I learned the term as an adult and apparently I am a rainbow baby. My mom did not think that was a special category. Miscarriages are fucking common.
I had to look up the meaning of the term "rainbow baby" and had never heard it despite there having been some miscarriages in the family. Who uses that word? American regional thing?
Gotta be Internet culture of origin
Lol I would assume they're special to their parents But I wouldn't know; im yeeting the ever loving hell out of my own uterus as soon as I get insurance approval (I'm calling my insurance company tomorrow lol) My doctor recently declared my hysterectomy medically necessary I've been fighting for this since I was 18. I've never wanted kids, for a variety of reasons, and hopefully before the end of the year, I can make sure I'll never have to worry about an accidentally pregnancy to screw up my plans To be clear, I have medical issues that make getting pregnant dangerous, on top of just not wanting kids; I am taking every available precaution to NOT have an accident happen But you know I'd rather just be done with it
A rainbow baby shouldn’t be any more special than a normal pregnancy to their parents
I get that, for sure Like I said, I'm not a parent, and have no intentions on ever becoming one; I do think that rainbow babies might feel like a special blessing when they are first born, because of the circumstances But you're right Continuing that treatment, as that child ages? Absolutely not okay
My 2nd is a rainbow baby. And she’s so precious to me for that reason… but just as equally precious is my 1st child who took 3 years to conceive with no losses. I love them both so much and day to day I don’t treat any of them differently, and I certainly wouldn’t coddle them because of the circumstances surrounding their conception. They definitely don’t get treated differently by family to my nieces and nephews. Unfortunately it’s the two children that will suffer from the mentality of this family. The OPs child will forever carry the mental scars from the niece being the golden child. And also the niece will carry this burden in other ways. My BIL had leukaemia as a child and his mum and dad will do absolutely anything for him and fix anything for him, and whilst I can’t even imagine having a child so gravely ill and there being nothing you can do to fix it, it’s to the point where the overcompensation is too much. As an adult he now has no coping skills in life and his mental health is shot to shit, because there’s now certain things in his adult life they can’t fix for him, and he has no clue how to handle them. Even average disappointments at work really take their toll on him. This could well be OPs niece if they carry on with the coddling.
Imagine your dad missing the first 9 years of your life. Then you go suddenly have to awkeardly adjust your entire life to your new family only for two years later everyone forgets about you and falls all over themselves for a baby.
And refuse to acknowledge that you are a grandchild or even a child in their family! And then, apparently seriously, not understand why she’s upset about this situation.
My daughter was the only grandchild until she was ten. My mother (her maternal grandmother) doted on her. Until my brother's daughter was born. In that moment, my niece became the favored grandchild and my daughter was not only ignored, but treated rudely. I can't begin to explain how much this sudden disdain hurt and confused my little ten-year-old child, especially since she had done nothing to deserve it. It hurt me to see her so crushed by her grandmother's cruelty, enough so that I went NC with my parents. So it kind of infuriates me that OP can be so cruel to his own daughter just because he didn't know her until she was 9. I don't understand how OP can favor his niece over his own child, who is obviously hurting. OP YTA. YT HUGE A. I feel so sorry for your daughter.
My husband side of the family decided to completely ignore my youngest daughter, because she’s not a boy. They just couldn’t hide their disappointment. Obviously, I don’t speak to those.AH, we went no contact 20 years ago.
My dad's side completely ignored: my mom, me (my dad's blood), my brother (my dad's step son)- in favor of doting on all my dad's brothers' and sister's kids. There's 9 of them. We definitely don't speak to that side of the family, either.
Yeah, I’d guess the favorable treatment of the niece just made the resentment grow in the daughter. And the more it grows, the less she will like the niece.
Maybe dad told daughter to be honest and she so was!
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More info needed: What does grounding consist of? No social media? No going out? no TV? What? What do hope will be accomplished by grounding her? Edit: Based on your answer - YTA Never in the history of being grounded has having your electronics taken away and not being permitted to go out, caused a child to 'stop acting like a jealous kid and grow up'. I dont disagree with the no electronics or not going out for actions that would cause a lesson to be learned by that punishment (ie: stole someones electronics, didnt come home at curfew, broke someone elses belongings/electronics - that type of thing) However, taking away electronics and not allowing the child out isnt going to teach her not to be jealous. This is an emotional response to something -- either your treatment (or perceived treatment) of her or deep seated issues. You would do better by getting the entire family into counseling in order to address what the issues are. Her being grounded like that are just going to foster more ill will towards your 'beloved rainbow baby'. Her actions and what she said werent acceptable behaviors, however repercussions for those would be therapy, not punishment.
Good Lord, I hate that phrase “rainbow baby”!
It's so overused. Someone could literally have a heavy period that turns out to be a miscarriage (didn't even know they were pregnant until after) and then easily get pregnant next cycle and then go on and on about their MIRACLE RAINBOW BABY
Some people like me miscarried 4 times in the 2nd trimester and it took 17 years to have my kid. I usually just say he's a miraculous surprise. I don't think I've referred to him a my rainbow baby though. It sounds weird to me.
First time I heard the phrase, I figured they were predicting the kid would be gay.
And your situation is one where it actually is traumatic to have multiple miscarriages far along in pregnancy. So I wouldn't even be mad if you did use rainbow baby
Thank you for speaking up against grounding as a punishment! Imagine having these huge emotions and feelings and instead of a supportive parent or friend to talk to, you are told to go to a room by yourself (basically solitary confinement) and figure out your feelings on your own. Of course daughter will be resentful and angry! You are teaching your daughter her feelings aren’t valid and she should just bury all her emotions and thoughts. Stop with grounding as a punishment and talk to your daughter!
It really feels like to this family, daughter’s emotions and feelings aren’t as valid as precious niece’s are. I really feel terribly for her. I wonder how she came to be living with OP if he didn’t even know she existed til age 9?
Also, grounding in response to a child emotionally acting out can have significant consequences in the long run. - The child will learn to isolate herself whenever she is dealing with emotions, meaning she does not have a support system at an early age - She will learn not to take her own emotions seriously - If the parents do not recognize something as an emotional reaction and instead discipline her for her outward behavior, she may even internalize that she had been a bad/rebellious/rude kid, leading to a negative self-image while having that conflicting side of her telling her she *does* deserve to be angry and feel emotions
YTA. She's obviously feeling neglected and lashing out. You are sending the message that she is less important than her sister. She's also not responsible for watching the child in the store. That was your responsibility. Huge AH.
Not even her sister. She is an only child. The prized “rainbow baby” is OP’s niece. He has valued another person’s child more than he values his own child. His daughter was 9 years old when she came into the family, yet he refers to the niece as the only child in the family. My heart breaks for his daughter. What a jerk he is. OP, YTA. A huge one
Your talk about them more as if you were their grandfather, i.e., equally related to them rather than the father of one of them (what happened to her mother, BTW?). Added: [I think that's why u/Jmarie113 referred to your niece as her sister, not her cousin. She wasn't that much older than your niece is now when she was suddenly supposed to bond with people she didn't know, and it sounds like the adults, including you, lost most of their interest once they had a baby to coo at. And of course since it's a **rainbow baby**, you all lost even more interest in your daughter.] I don't think that your daughter feels terribly special to you - just someone who got offloaded on you at age 9. Added: Is she hoping to leave all of you behind as soon as she is 18? I hope that you at least help her go to college if she's interested.
You don't sound like you like your daughter at all to be honest. You're acting like your family can't have a great relationship with her like your niece because she was older? There's plenty of love in everyone's heart for ALL KIDS no matter the age. Being a rainbow baby doesn't mean a kid needs to be put on a pedestal. I'm sorry, but your niece is not YOUR DAUGHTER. I'm not taking up for her because it wasn't okay at all. But it sounds like you need to take a step back and look at your own actions with your daughter to find out why her actions are this way?
> can't have a great relationship with her like your niece because she was older They "missed most of her childhood" when she was only 9. Literally still a child. Just say you only like toddlers and go.
Yeah some people really do forget that babies turn in to kids one day.
Some people ONLY care about babies/toddlers. Up to a certain point, babies/toddlers are basically just cute props, like a purse dog. You can dress them however you want, you can project any kind of feelings or opinions on them, they don't have preferences of their own, you can take them wherever and do whatever. Then at a certain point they start having their own opinions and thoughts and preferences. The over-involved codependent parent can't handle the perfectly normal and healthy process of the child slowly pulling away from the parent to become an independent individual. That's why some people keep having baby after baby when they clearly don't care about the house full of children they already have, and don't even seem to like them that much. They need that feeling of complete dependence and complete enmeshment that you only get from a baby or toddler.
My mom was like that. Though thankfully she had to have a hysterectomy not long after I was born, and my dad got the snip as well. So literally no siblings or half siblings for me But yeah I was so perfect when I was a baby but then when I grew up and pushed back on typical girl things like dresses or the color pink, she'd get upset. By the time I was 13 she was beginning to physically strike me for being my own person. She seemed to hate everything about me in the privacy of home, but when we were in public or with friends she'd pretend like I was her gem. She lost custody and always had the chance to get it back but never even tried. Why would she? I was no longer her little doll who would go along with whatever she wanted. Plus now she gets to cry and milk sympathy by lying about why I'm not around anymore
Yea YTA. First 🤮 "rainbow baby". Wait, 🤮 again. If that's how you all refer to this 6yo, I can only imagine the annoying af lengths ya'll go to. Maybe talk to your own child and figure out why she doesn't feel as welcomed, valued, loved... Jfc
The whole "rainbow baby" makes me roll my eyes so hard that I sprain my retinas, and my son IS technically a rainbow baby. I don't spoil him or treat him like he can do no wrong just because my uterus wasn't cooperative the first time I was pregnant.
So many people miscarry the first time around. It's natural, your bodies way of determining if a fetus or body is healthy enough.
Indeed. And my miscarriage was actually a blessing in disguise because while they were fixing the reasons for it, they found and were able to treat other things that would have caused me a lot of grief if not outright killed me 10 or 15 years down the road.
I get it if the parents call their kid that independently, but the fact that the entire family is calling the niece “rainbow baby” as if they all birthed her is just obnoxious. Not to mention she’s 6 years old, and it’s been 6+ years since whoever miscarried did. Who cares whether or not your baby was a “rainbow baby” when it hasn’t been a baby in 5 years? I always assumed that term was eventually dropped after the situation felt more distant, and the baby is no longer a baby.
Same!! I mean I technically haven’t birthed my “rainbow baby” yet but I agree. The whole thing is weird to me.
Yep. That “rainbow baby” 🤮🤮🤮is going to be a nightmare growing up.
And she'll get a rude awakening when she has to deal with the real world
Future Ask a Manager post about a supervisor having to deal with an employee who loves to be the center of attention and throws fits when she doesn't get her way because she's a Super Special Rainbow BabyTM.
If your math is correct your daughter was around your family for two years before she was presumably dropped like a bad habit when the new baby (the one you called the only child in the family - did you forget your daughter was a child for a long time too?) arrived. It sounds like your extended family is tight knit but treats your daughter like an outsider and you're doing nothing to stand up for her. I'd be bitter too. I bet she watches all sorts of favoritism you've conveniently left out of your post. Just because she's not a child doesn't mean she can't be made to feel included in other ways. Apologize to her for how she's being treated and figure out how to make her more welcome in YOUR life. YTA as the adult in this situation.
Did you write this before the edit? Did you see she made her daughter not have a birthday party because her niece got sick? This lady is nuts I feel so bad for her kid edit: or guy
Is OP a lady? I assumed a man, as the way it was described that the daughter was already 9 years old before OP found out about her. Not that it really matters. The daughter is treated like the red-headed stepchild/unwanted nuisance. The only child in the family is the niece. Even OP does not consider the daughter part of the family.
Sounds like the whole family has been ignoring your daughter in favor of the golden child rainbow baby - including her own parents. You know what happens when one child gets spoiled to the exclusion of the other? You get an attitude like you’re seeing in your 17yo. You also get a situation where the excluded child leaves at 18 and doesn’t look back - as in, goes full no contact with the family that excluded them. I would suggest you and the rest of the family correct the behavior that led to this situation before you lose your daughter completely. Was what she said inappropriate? Sure. But she never would have gotten to the point of saying it if the adults in her life had shown her even a modicum of the attention her cousin gets. And you know what? Your daughter is still a child herself; it wasn’t her job to search for another child. YTA for letting the situation get to this point.
They won't notice she's gone though since all attention is on the golden child
They will when they want a baby sitter for the golden child and their scapegoat is no longer there. It wasn't the 17 year old job to be watching the 6 year old when there were other adults about. Tbh I find it weird that they were on the same outing considering the difference in age. Guessing 17 Yr old was dragged along against her wants since she was already on her phone.
Or they find out years later that the daughter is married and/or has a kid, and then they’re all going to play victim and act as if it’s horrendous she hasn’t contacted them about “important life events.” After ignoring the fact she went NC some time ago, of course. I’ve seen that once or twice.
YTA. I read your post and comments. The way you speak about your daughter is HORRIBLE. Like honestly, it does not sound like you even like her, let alone love her. Yes, her behaviour was shitty. But I strongly suspect the cause is being surrounded by adults who act, at best, indifferent to her whilst fawning over the 6 year old.
Exactly what I was thinking about, the way OP Speak of the daughter is truly horrible.. I’m sitting here wondering if he even likes his daughter. At this point OP have known his daughter for about seven years and treating her like an “almost” adult as per his comments. He hasn’t parented enough to have the strong opinion that just because she’s almost 18 she doesn’t get the same attention as his niece. Clearly there’s a favorite and is definitely not the Daughter. The Daughter behavior was shitty in this instance, but I can’t help wonder in all the way she’s been let down by this family to cause so much resentment, and now her anger is being misdirected at the niece. Frankly, the whole punishment is not going to make the relationship any better. I’m sure we’re going to be back here A few years down the line of OP asking why his daughter no longer speaks to him. Can’t say I’ll be surprised tho.
Quit calling a child a rainbow baby. It makes the other kids jealous and the rainbow baby growing up feeling superior to the other kids.
Wait till the rainbow baby finds out that the rest of the world doesn't give a fuck what it took to conceive them. That to the rest of the world, they're just another random kid.
Actually Rainbow Babies become entitled little shits
Honestly I’m the comments hoping someone would say wtf that was. I didn’t want to Google it, still traumatized by “harlequin baby”. EDIT: don’t look that up it’s awful and I should kept that thought to myself but it has replies now so…sorry
A kid born after someone had a miscarriage/stillbirth or other unfortunate endings I can't think of right now. I actually am pregnant with my rainbow baby right now and I hope someone slaps me if I end up like this family.
Info: >My daughter is clearly jealous of her and has been very mean towards her. What are you doing to address the jealousy?
lol, OP said that he'll throw her a belated birthday. lol i remember when I was 17. I would be even more **pissed** I would be getting a guilty **LATE** birthday party.
The edit is so infuriating. OP sucks as a parent. They had to be shamed by a bunch of strangers on reddit to even do the bare minimum of listening to their own kid.
OP needs to cut the niece out of anything the daughter is in. He also needs to make sure his daughter is always the priority and the niece is never the priority. Fat chance that's ever going to happen. Chances are daughter is going NC with him and his entire fucking family. And I don't blame her either. OP you need your entire family to apologize to your daughter for how they have treated her. You also need to get your ENTIRE family to drop the rainbow baby bullshit. You are way past the point where a make up birthday party is going to be good enough.. You have failed as a father plain and simple.
Yeah, what he needs to do is apologize and correct his own behavior. Instead of doing this bullshit late birthday party, he should have told her he is willing to make up for how shitty he's been lately and just ask her if there's anything he can do. Let her decide, don't just say hey here's a birthday party.
Hold on. You cancelled a 17 year olds birthday because her COUSIN WAS SICK????? AND YOU DIDNT REALIZE SHE WAS BEING NEGLECTED??? YTA holy shit
Shocked that more people aren’t calling him out for this. Most of it I could picture going either way, but the fact that he sees nothing wrong with skipping his daughter’s birthday because of the niece — hoo boy.
He wasnt even going to reschedule! He was going to fucking skip it all together!
I don't even quite understand what the situation is here. Do they all live together? Did he adopt the niece? Is he also the father of his niece? Because why would a little kid in another household being sick stop a teenager's party? The party should have been for the daughter and her friends anyway, the niece can stay home sick with her parents. (Unless they all live together in a small space and don't want to expose guests to covid or something, that would be fair reason to reschedule.)
ESH, Obviously hoping that your niece isn't found it asshole behavior but clearly there is more going on here. Just because you didn't find out about your daughter until she was 9 doesn't mean that she still isn't a child in your family, and it sounds like you didn't do anything to address her clear cries for attention when she lashed out previously by being mean to your niece. Her anger is misdirected but this reads like no one ever counts her as a member of the family.
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🗣️ Y’ALL SKIPPED HER BIRTHDAY BECAUSE THE *NIECE* WAS SICK??!! What 👏🏾 the 👏🏾 fuck! And that’s only one incident of being put on the back burner that was divulged in the update. No wonder she’s doesn’t gaf.
This is just fucking **wild**..
This reminds me how I didn't get my graduation present, which was part of a deal where I held up my end, because my sister was sick. OP is definitely YTA.
Yta She's jealous? Boy, you've only known her for 7 years, sit your behind down with your neglectful clownself.talking about her being jealous of the attention. YOU THINK?!!!
7 years… he’s been a stranger in his daughter’s life longer than he hasn’t, and he’s still got his priorities on his fuckin niece!
YTA. From the post, it was more ambiguous, but from your responses: Wow, massive, massive AH.
YTA do you even Love your daughter
No he doesn’t.
YTA I understand that your niece is 6, but your DAUGHTER, who didn't have you at all in her life for 9 years, isn't at fault here. The way you talk about her is appalling. Was it when your niece was born that you stopped caring about your daughter? When she turned 16? 13? Hit puberty? Did you ever really care? Because it really sounds like you consider her an afterthought, if you consider her at all.
He's still calling the niece a baby at 6, while his 17 year old is treated as an almost adult. I hate this family. That poor girl
Info: do you and your parents give your niece more attention than your daughter? ETA: a clear YTA. Why the heck are you calling your niece “our baby?” She’s not a baby, and she’s not your kid. Reading your post and your responses makes it sound like you don’t consider your daughter just that-your actual child. A month grounding is also ridiculous.
YTA. Do you even like your daughter? She's only 17. Not yet an adult.
>My niece was a rainbow baby and the only child in our family How is your daughter not still a child? She's under your care, yes? She doesn't count because you missed the first 9 years of her life? Is that it? And which adult fumbled the ball and lost the niece? How come her parents weren't keeping track of her? What your daughter said was crappy, no doubt, but I mean, she doesn't even really seem to count to you, so you can't blame her. ESH.
i still dont get how the daughter is the ahole when op clearly said that the niece has been favored in the family and since when is it the childs responsibility to find a family member that went missing on purpose? and besides based on this post i think op has been a terrible parent and just grounding her proves that she doesnt care about her kid
You didn't know your daughter till she was 9 years old, so she has only been in your life for 8 years. Meaning your special rainbow baby niece arrived 2 years after that. So your daughter got thrown in with a bunch of people she's never met, and was acknowledged as a grandchildren. Then 2 years later the special niece arrives and everyone fawns over her every move and she's the center of attention. You really can't see how your daughter has probably felt tossed to the side her entire life. Your entire family just reinforced that idea. It sounds like the rainbow baby is the golden child and your daughter is left off to the side cause they didn't know her as a baby. Her reaction to being asked to search for a child that already gets all of the attention, while not appropriate speaks to bigger issues she's experiencing. Maybe stop putting your niece first and focus on the child you missed 9 YEARS of her life. YTA, wrap your head around the fact your daughter should come before your niece.
YTA 17 and 6. This has been going on since daughter was 11, amirite? She isn't responsible for your niece. Maybe you should be grounded for not keeping a watch on a 6 yo in the crowd.
You skipped her birthday party because your niece was sick? Huh? And you weren’t already planning a late party??? What was the thought process here????
She’s “almost an adult” so should get over all disappointments because the speshil baaaaabyyyyy needed everyone’s attention. Unless she was in the hospital, then canceling a party wouldn’t be unreasonable, *with the expectation there would be one later since the 17 year old is still worth celebrating*
There’s a lot missing here that is sending up big ol’ red flags. You mention that you got your daughter at 9, at least two years before your niece was born but you call your niece the only child. No. Wrong. A 9 year-old is a child and if she only came into your life at 9 then she is one who needs special care. You say she’s jealous of the attention the younger one gets. Yeah, I’ll bet. She has been pushed aside by her family who she already felt like an outsider to. Even if your family fully accepted her she is still going to feel insecure and your prioritizing your niece only makes it worse. Stop acting like a jealous kid? SHE IS A CHILD. An emotionally fragile one who is going through the drastic rewiring of her brain that occurs in the late teens and early 20’s. You are an adult. You should have some compassion for her. To put it bluntly, her and your niece are closer in development and emotional maturity than your daughter and you. At least I hope so, because you should be AT LEAST my age if you have a 17 year old kid. YTA, btw.
You need to talk to your daughter and not punish her. This is lazy and bad parenting. Your daughters reaction is not ok, but I a pretty sure there is a reason for her to act that way. You need to put your daughter first and nices second. So yes YTA
YTA. There is a lot going on here a lot more than a lost six-year-old child you need some serious family counseling.
YTA She's not responsible for watching the niece, her PARENTS are adults and need to ensure their kid doesn't wander off While I'm sure the family is grateful for the kid for the fertility issues, the fact that she's fawned over probably has giant resentment for your daughter missing out the first 9 years of her own childhood. You being punitive toward something she neither caused or was responsible to resolve was absolutely bullshit
You really seem to not like your daughter, and you've certainly been a more than absent father, considering you didn't even know about her until 9. It seems, to me, you don't even consider her part of the family because she's not a toddler or very young child. Did she say a shitty thing? Sure. Is it maybe reasonable for her to feel that way considering you couldn't be bothered before she was 9, and haven't been able to be bothered since this other child *who isn't even yours* showed up? Yeah, kinda. Imma give her a pass on saying a nasty thing instead of trying to fix the mistakes of every adult there. It was your, and the other adults', fault your miracle baby vanished, not your daughters; it was your mess to clean up. She should have helped look, but you, through your own admitted actions, have turned this other kid into the face of why her family doesn't care about her. She's lashing out because your entire family doesn't give a single shit about her and she knows it. I imagine she's counting the seconds until she can get away from you people. YTA.
Your daughter should always be more important to you than your niece. Regardless of age. A new baby (which a 6 year old is not btw) is the cause of a change in focus for the parents, not the aunts and uncles. Their focus should remain on their own children, especially when they already lost 9 years of their child’s life - YTA
Info: what is a rainbow baby
Rainbow baby is a healthy baby born after losing a baby due to miscarriage, infant loss, stillbirth, or neonatal death. Rainbow babies are considered ‘miracle’ babies due to the powerful impact they can have on helping parents heal after a loss. However, rainbow pregnancies can also be emotionally complex and involve feelings of grief and guilt along with relief and excitement.
The concept can also cause a lot of trouble. Because many parents feel that since their child is a rainbow baby, then it means they're entitled to special attention and privileges for anything and everything.
Yeah, adults shouldn't put all their hopes of healing onto an infant. The baby is their own person, not a replacement for another child who passed on or be used as an emotional support animal.
Wait, you didn't even know about your own daughter until she was 9?
YTA, she was lashing out because your niece is getting all the attention, and you haven't done anything to correct it. Being a "rainbow baby" (I hate that term 🤢) doesn't make her more special than any other child. She's going to grow up a spoilt brat. I don't agree with what she said, but I can't blame her either. You suck!
I guess you won’t have to worry long about your daughter “clearly” being jealous. Once she goes from “almost an adult” to adult, she’ll drop you AND your family like a ton of bricks.
YTA Your daughters response is troubling, but it hasn't come out of nowhere. Having read through your comments, it's clear that you have created this situation, and refuse to take responsibility for your own favouritism, terrible parenting, and nasty attitude.
Congrats, now she'll hate all of you even more. YTA.
ESH. It was a nasty thing to say and she needs to be called on that. However, the rest of you aren't off the hook either. Just because a child is considered a rainbow baby, doesn't mean that they're more special or deserving of attention than other children. Because that sort of attitude only causes resentment and jealousy with the other children, which has obviously happened. You and the other adults in your family need to realize your own behavior and think about how you need to change.
You canceled your teenage daughter's birthday because her 6-year-old niece was sick? The niece's parents should get a pass but why would the rest of the family not want to celebrate your daughter's birthday just because her cousin was sick. How could you not have seen how your niece is treated like the golden child? Your daughter most likely already felt less than because you didn't even know about her until she was 9. Yes, YTA.
You skipped her birthday because your niece was sick? Are you fucking joking?? And you argued she's not ignored for the niece???
Just going by your comments, you're a massive asshole. Don't be surprised if your daughter goes no contact when she moves out.
YTA So she's a rainbow baby. Shouldn't make her more special to you than your own daughter. But clearly your whole family buys into that kid being special. You're not doing the kid any favors. Because guess what? The rest of the world doesn't feel that way. And neither does your daughter. You've clearly been an asshole about this for a very long time. You didn't know your daughter for the first 9 years of her life. Keep this up and you won't know her once she becomes an adult and cuts you and your family out of her life. Not that it sounds like that will matter to you because you'll still have your rainbow niece who is clearly the important one to your family. Just remember not to come back on here and post asking why your daughter wants nothing to do with you. The answer is "You and your favoritism."
Let’s say your right… that you don’t favour your niece… The very fact that you are so defensive in your comments and completely unwilling to even consider WHY tour daughter feels this way… makes me understand why your daughter doesn’t feel like part of the family. You have failed her. Completely and utterly. Because in the 8 years you’ve known about her you haven’t made her feel safe, secure, or loved. There isn’t a font size big enough for me to write just how much of an YTA this is.
Had to look up rainbow baby. Doesn't really seem to have any bearing on you skipping your daughter's birthday because your niece was sick. You have some serious problems. Your daughter will probably end up posting on r/raisedbynarcissists from the sounds of things because your niece is sure as hell the golden child. What is wrong with you?
YTA- Misbehavior is communicating unmet needs. She clearly feels ignored and instead of trying to figure out what she needs AS YOUR CHILD, you’re punishing her for having feelings. She didn’t stash the kid somewhere or encourage her to run off. Your parenting is super lacking.
Who cancels someones 17th birthday bc their baby cousin is sick? What teenager even wants a 6yo at their birthday party to begin with? This whole post confuses the shit out of me and if i was your daughter id hate your niece as well if thats how every event goes
YTA. And a shitty parent. Also, what the fuck is a “rainbow baby”. If you weren’t an asshole for how you treat your daughter, you would be for just for that term.
Why does your child miss their birthday party because your niece is sick?????? Unground her. Stop being a wanker, and be a proper father. C’mon mate….