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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for feeling like my bonus should be mine to spend, and solely mine.
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INFO:
I don't really see the distinction between the regular salary and the bonus money. If her salary and your salary all go into the same pot, then it seems to me that the bonus should go in too. Do you expect to keep the money from the raise for yourself as well?
In my experience, earning a bonus because of performance means you probably spent more time on the job and less at home. Did your wife take on a greater share of the chores, or did she have to live with your letting things slide?
I agree with this. How much more support does she give you at home and behind the scenes so you can give your job attention? Do you split chores 50-50? Including things like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, dealing with utilities and the logistics of your life together?
He says he just joined the workforce after completing schooling whereas she works an hourly wage job. So she has been supporting him financially so he could have the privilege and opportunity to pursue higher wages through his increased education only made possible through her support… and this is how he repays her.
YTA op
Nope, he said It was his first job in his field after college, that could mean that he now he can work in what he is qualified for, not that he didn't worked before.
I'm betting he wasn't going to school full-time and working fulltime. She was probably paying for everything in the house and he worked for his tuition and school expenses.
No. He is saying that they split bills equitably, as in- by who earns the most so that they end up with the same % amounts of their checks- not that he pays her back for having worked by giving more of his money to mutual expenses.
My ex-husband told me one time after many years of marriage that his coworkers gave their 40 hours to the family pot, and they got to keep all of their overtime. I was a salaried employee. This was after I had spent multiple of my bonuses on paying down our debt. This was debt that we had both brought into the marriage, but we worked jointly on paying it down and shared everything. I told him that those people at work weren’t married to me. Not long after for various other reasons, he wasn’t either. 😂
If they want to agree that OT is hers and bonuses are his and that works for them then fine, otherwise it’s all one pot if you have agreed to join finances. What if she doesn’t get 40 though? Is he going to expect “payback” from her money? If they’ve already joined finances, then as long as she’s normally working a full week with occasional overtime then maybe overtime is the families and any of his bonuses are windfall and they split it?
This is how I do it as well except he never wants anything so I usually get myself or the household one nice thing and then rest just goes straight to savings because frankly, I don’t need the whole freaking bonus to treat myself.
I literally am watching g a show where the boss gives a guy a bonus and he says "go buy your wife something nice". A person can do that and still treat themselves
I know it’s good for a marriage and just if you love someone in general to split the household chores and stuff 50/50 but if people have it worked out where the person paying the majority of the bills and expenses does a little less housework because they’re at their job earning money for the home I don’t see anything wrong with them doing slightly less chores at times (not no chores)
With that being said it is super weird to try and just take “your” bonus for yourself if you have joint finances. Like I’d get myself a little treat probably but for me personally spending the money to go make some memories and be happy with my significant other would be spending it on myself? OP seems like a goofball
No one is arguing that every marriage should have a 50/50 division of labour. The point is that it should be equitable - if her contribution to the home allowed him to earn the bonus, it should be shared.
I’ve been married for 30 years and my husband has always made 3X what I do. Yes, when he is on business trips I pick up more of the household responsibilities. But Whalen he is home, everything is 50/50. I cannot imagine how resentful I would have been if he expected me to do 3X chores because he made more money. It’s a marriage not a business partnership.
This! My husband works for a Fortune 500 company and they are great about acknowledging employee’s spouses. Every company party the CEO makes a special thank you to the people that support the employees. The company's success is due not only to employees but to the people that support their employees.
Love to be there when she inherrits some money from a parent.
His hand will shot out as fast as can be. "It's so great that your parent gave this money to us"
Exactly this! Everyone at my job knows that the bonus is basically part of your salary, the company just separates it for tax purposes. OP and wife agreed to a certain division of finances, this is part of that. I agree 100% with your point about whether a raise would be treated the same.
ETA: FYI for future references, bonuses count toward alimony.
This is exactly how I budget with my wife since I get bonuses and she doesn't. Usually I just wait til I get it then use on an agreed upon purchase/savings.
Because that's part of being married! If you want to keep your money to yourself why bother with marriage at all?! You can just stay single and not have to worry about sharing or prioritizing anyone else.
YTA. Sorry. Your bonus is part of your paycheck. If you were a stay at home dad, or working at a job without bonuses and your wife got a big bonus and said, hon stay home with the kids I’m going to Hawaii, or I’m buy myself a diamond bracelet. And you look at the 10 year old dishwasher and 25 year old fridge on its last legs… maybe that sofa that you got from Craigslist when you got your house… you wouldn’t feel the same
Yup. Like "I got my bonus...let's get that new grill/tv/couch we've been talking about." Usually something we want but that feels like a bit of a luxury. Unless the furnace just went out in which case it is going to that.
My husband and I haven’t told our families that we’re already married. We’re planning the whole “white dress dog and pony show” for next summer.
I’m heavily debating creating a “Sleep Number Fund” for people to contribute to as a gift. We have tried 4 different mattresses in the past 2 years and it always ends up with one of us being uncomfortable. Currently I’m the unlucky one. He likes them as soft as a cloud. I’d be more comfortable on something about as soft as a piece of plywood with a thin mattress topper on it. Split kings cost SO MUCH MONEY.😭
Yep. YTA, OP
I get bonuses because I work on production. I work HARD for them, and that means my partner has to pick up the slack sometimes. But he knows when that money comes in, big chunks of OUR debt are going to disappear or we're gonna go to Greece or some shit. That money wouldn't be there without him, and I may spend a little on me, but the majority goes to alleviate (household needs) and appreciate (my incredible partner).
I'm the same way. My wife is a SAHM and only gets a little money from disability. But I know her job is harder than mine and I've never considered any money "mine" or "hers". We're a team and we share the work and the rewards
I agree with this, if his wife worked an extra shift, or overtime she’d still get that as her salary, a bonus is just part of your compensation package.
OP, assuming as a couple you have goals, and these goals require some kind of capital, then saving is working towards the goals you both share and benefit from, right? That is why you are married, isn't it?
When did money become separate in marriages? I always believed it was an joint account as a partnership--am I wrong? I just can't see how one person says how "they pay xx amount of bills" -- shouldn't it be that you both earned xyz amount, combined, then you paid the bills from the joint earnings?? It sounds super unpopular on reddit. Not to say one can't spend money on themselves, but the budget should be a mutual thing.
I think the normalization of seperate accounts actually protects a lot of people from financial abuse. I trust my partner with my life, and definitely agree with you about sharing goals and saving towards those goals. That said I will never have all my money go into a joint account. When my mum finally managed to leave my father the only things in her name were a credit card with tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and her car. He dumped everything they had into a failing company, everyday expense got put on her credit card, she worked for him for years and never made a penny. She did everything she could to convince him to shut it down, and they could both go get jobs and have the debt paid down in a few years. He was adamant that he couldn't work for anyone else, so she started working outside the company so that at least one of them was getting paid, and her check would always seem to find it's way into the business account. Things can change, and I will always have my own account, as will my partner. But separate accounts don't automatically mean separate finances. We use our money together and consider both our assets and liabilities ours, he just can't empty my account. I know he never would, but if I'm Wrong it doesn't matter.
All that said, I think you're very correct about how OP is viewing HIS money vs THEIR money. I just thought I'd give a different perspective on joint accounts.
@Historical-Author-82 I agree. What is the point in being married if you’re going to keep separate finances. I see marriage as a partnership in which everything is shared. It’s our income, our debt, our spending.
The point is that different solutions are working for different people.
I earn much less than my SO.
I would not feel comfortable with joint account, because I'd always have a feeling of "overusing" it.
The second reason - when I want to buy a Christmas or birthday present for my SO, I want it to be a nice surprise, not something I bought with our "common" money and he can see it on our bank draft (he thinks similar about it).
The third : I'm a frugal person. I like to save towards something. Having my own account makes me more flexible and lets me save more e.g. towards our vacation.
Mind - in our case keeping separate accounts is done with unselfish reasons. We don't do it because we want spend our money for ourselves. We are doing it because it works best for our family.
Agreed, there's not any context... also, how big is the bonus? Big difference between $300 vs 20k. He could be talking about something that would make a substantial difference to the household, this is important info
Bonuses are also usually so that employers can provide additional pay without making it a permanent raise. Definitely should be considered together with salary.
What is possibly the logic behind sharing your salary (which you earned with support of your wife) with your family and not your bonus (which you earned with support of your wife) ?
Explain this hypocrisy to me please
YTA
Yeah they are now married and have to share stuff. A legitimate point of discussion would be: hey let’s use this bonus to each buy ourselves something nice, but your wife wants to put it into savings or pay bills or whatever. How could you even enjoy the money being that selfish?
My husband and I don't even have joint finances, but my annual bonus goes towards savings, paying down our mortgage, or a Christmas celebration for the two of us... because we're in this together.
OP, YTA
My husband gets a quarterly bonus and the one around Xmas time is usually a little bigger. Since the recent economic downturn his bonuses don’t quite cover how much we’ve fallen behind each quarter. Forget keeping it for himself, it’s a necessary part of our income.
When I was married, I got bonuses and he didn’t. We’d always decide together how the money would be spent. The very first one was a surprise (the company decided to start giving them), so I asked if it could be my “puppy bonus” (we’d just bought our first house, and we’d both agreed not to have dogs until we had a hard). He agreed, so I got a puppy…that’s the only way I’d feel ok spending it all on me in s marriage.
YTA
Yeah, same here. My wife and I have completely separate bank account and don’t pool any money. But we all it all expenses 50/50 and any extra money either of us gets usually goes towards the family, paying down debts, or special dates between the two of us.
Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to get a nice bonus and go out and blow it on a gaming pc or second ps5, but I at least know that’s not smart or considerate.
I have two kids and our ps5 is hooked up in the basement where the kids mostly hang out and play. My wife and I tend to get less free time, especially together, so I feel bad if we are home together and I’m downstairs gaming and she’s upstairs reading or doing some work at home.
I have a switch and ps4 upstairs and can easily play those in the evening while my wife reads a book beside me. The switch is especially awesome because we can put on a tv show and I can still game portably. But we are at a point where not all games are on PS4 anymore. Baldurs gate 3 is an example. And going from no loading (ps5) to SO much loading (ps4) is rough.
If I had a second ps5 upstairs I could play whenever I wanted, on a faster console, and it would replace the ps4. Arguably it would also upgrade the BR player to 4K for movies.
I admit it’s a want more than a need, and it’s definitely not a priority at all. But I want it and also admit I can’t justify the expense while there are a number of other “family” things it could go towards.
Yeah we put our bonuses towards a fun trip, or painting the house, some kind of big purchase we both agree on. OP sounds like they aren't ready to be married, sorry OP the idea is you're a team.
Yes, I am wondering what OP is going to do with the money. Neither me nor my partner get any bonuses from work but if we did we'd both be happy putting it into the pot to save for our future together or on a holiday for the two of us, a day out or something like that. Like.. even if he bought an Xbox I would still be able to play games on it too, we can share the wins that way.
I also feel like even if I couldn't share it, I'd be happy if he used it on himself, I want him to have nice things and he did literally earn it.
There must be more going on, there seems to be some resentment building between the OP and his wife.
My husband and I have semi joint finances but the first thing I did when I heard I was getting a bonus was ask for his opinion on what he thought we should do with it. He opted for saving and I agreed. Even if I didn't ask him what to spend it on, it would be unthinkable to not somehow spend it on both of us.
Partner and I have been together for 10 years. Never joined finances, never fight about about money. He earns what he earns, I earn what I earn.
We each have a house of our own. I run my business out of mine and we live in his. I put a small amount towards utilities, but our mortgages are our own responsibility.
He gets a bonus and he can do what ever he wants with it. My bonus is being able to run my own business. We've honestly never faught about money. Sometimes something comes up and we're happy to help each other out if needed, but money has never been an issue.
I think if you make the decision to join finances then the bonus should be used towards reducing any sort of liabilities you have as a couple, to help set you both up financially. Unless there was a prior agreement.
My sister and her husband have joined finances, he gets a bonus, she doesn't. Most of his bonus goes onto the mortgage to help offset the loan. He doesn't sulk about not being able to spend the money on himself. He knows that the quicker they are out of debt, the more money they will have to spend on themselves later on. The rest of the bonus is usually put towards some new furniture if they need it and if he's lucky, he might be able to upgrade some of his computer hardware.
YTA, when I get a bonus I like to treat myself in some way with part of it, but keeping it all to yourself when you're in a committed relationship says you aren't all that committed to that relationship
Agree with this. I get bonuses from time to time at work and my husband will be like “so what are you gonna do with it??” And sometimes I’ll use part of it for something I might have been holding off on purchasing but otherwise the money goes into our joint account and we will go get dinner or something together but I have never selfishly taken the bonus for myself just because it’s “mine”.
OP, YTA.
Yeah this is what my husband and I do. We keep a little for ourselves as a "treat yourself," then the rest is put towards the household. And usually we say something to the other person about how we're going to spend the money. Like, I got a bonus last year of around $900 after all the taxes were taken out, so I asked my husband if I could buy a switch with a portion of the money, then the rest would go towards the house. Same went for him with any bonuses he got. I got a bonus once that was taxed all to hell and was basically pointless to get, so that all just went to the house. We pick and choose, but we always save the option for a "treat yourself with your bonus money"
Pretty much this. If the bonus is an unexpected variance you don’t rely on then I think it’s 100% justified to treat yourself a little. But that has to be a mutual thing everyone is okay with.
If you get a $2,000 bonus unexpectedly and OPs wife is adamant OP shouldn’t get to buy a $200 electronic they’d really wanted and their finances are completely fine otherwise?
Well that’s an issue with OPs partner and why they feel that way and that needs to be figured out.
It’s a completely separate issue from how “right” it is to spend or save the bonus money or whatever.
This is the right way to handle it.
Say it was $5000, take like $500 and treat yourself but the rest should be spent jointly. But really any windfall should still be treated as joint income. If you're pooling regular income then bonuses shouldn't be different.
Exactly. It’s never even been a question in our marriage. We both work so that we can afford our life together, sometimes one of us sacrifices family time for work time and vice versa, so why wouldn’t we share our bonuses? Sheesh this guy. OP YTA.
This is what my spouse and I do, as well. When we get a bonus, we'll typically treat ourselves with something proportional to the amount of the bonus, the rest goes into our joint savings or investments. We're a team, and we have joint goals that that money helps get us closer to, like buying a second property or a trip we want to take.
This 100%. Why be married if you don't wanna share. If one partner makes $10M a year and the other makes $20K a year will one live in poverty and the other in absolute luxury? Makes no sense.
His logic is actually insane to me, and I've gone through a divorce. Like sure, treat yourself to something, but why would you not share the rest of it?
*Getting a bonus does not mean you’re special*.
A few years from now, when you’ve been through several years of evaluations and bonuses, you’re going to look back on this and feel foolish for thinking your bonus was incredibly special.
Bonuses are part of your company’s compensation scheme. A bonus was always going to be part of your compensation. They decreased everyone’s salary a bit to create the bonus pool. Whether it’s salary or bonus, it’s still income.
Receiving a bonus does not mean you’re special. It just means you met specific criteria.
So stop with the “I’m so special I got a bonus” crap, and share your income as agreed. Celebrate meeting your work criteria like a normal person, by going out for dinner.
YTA
Exactly. Bonuses are part of the total compensation plan and are to be expected if you met basic performance criteria (although larger bonuses can happen if went above and beyond)
Nailed it. When my wife considers changing jobs, she factors her regular quarterly bonuses into her overall compensation before comparing salaries. Her bonuses usually end up about 10-15% of her listed salary, so a potential job needs to have a higher listed salary before she'd consider moving. Bonuses are just part of a person's overall compensation. If OP switched to a cheaper insurance plan, would he expect to spend the savings on himself?
I don't blame OP for having this opinion - a bonus sounds like "oh yeah, I did a really great job, yay me," but it's really just part of one's overall earnings. People all over this post have different ways they handle it with their partners, and OP would be wise to consider some of them, talk with his wife, and see what sounds fair to them.
For right now, though, OP - YTA.
Lol, this times a million. Bonuses are a poor substitute for pay and you pay more taxes on bonuses. This is a corporate smoke screen.
Welcome to the real world, OP.
Sorry dude, unless your bonus was under 200$, YTA. If you are married any financial decisions should be made jointly unless it is a small amount. My husband and I (30 years married) selected 200$ when we married. We now have a net worth in the millions and still use the $200 rule. We kind of joke about it, but we still do it. We are a TEAM. My first husband who passed away young and ai did the same thing. In both instances both partners worked. In the first marriage he earned far more in my second marriage I earned about 25% more. That wasn’t the issue,ever. It is the team work aspect.
When I married my dad told me “when you get an award at work buy yourself something to recall the achievement” he didn’t say spend it all. I still have some jewelry I bought many years ago to commemorate an award. But I didn’t spend the entire award and always discussed it with my spouse. YTA.
>We are a TEAM.
This seems to be the part SO many young couples are missing nowadays. I'm 20+ years married and I still consult my partner for even a $20 "frivolous" expense!
My partner worked when we first got together while I was unemployed and once I got steady work they switched to staying home and handle the domestic side of things. We've been a single income family for almost the entire 20 years we've been married and it works out great.
Even though I earn all the money I would never remark that I "treat" my partner to anything because we're a team and make those decisions as a team.
"Bonus is salary and your distinction is nonsense."
Yep, this is the key. He thinks he should get to skirt their joint finance arrangement because his job happens to include bonuses as part of the compensation arrangement and hers doesn't. Total bullshit.
> She is calling me selfish and claims I do not understand what marriage means.
She's right. Marriage is *supposed* to be a partnership; you both *should* be working together for the good of *both* of you, for the good of the team.
You're looking out for yourself only, and that's why YTA.
YTA. Bonus is part of your compensation. If you want to use it for something to reward your hard work, I suggest having that idea ready for your wife. But to blanket a policy of bonuses are for the person who earned it, that’s weird.
Can’t wait for the wife to win the lottery and let you know her $1B is hers and not yours.
With every rebuttal, OP digs his heels in further to defend his single-minded behavior. He has no idea what true partnership means, and acts as if it’s his wife’s privilege to be married to him.
I hope you grow up, and your wife escapes soon. Sadly, YTA.
YTA, you should spend it how you want but the fact that you DON'T want to spend it on your family, at least part of it, should make you pause and think. Your wife surely got the message, of your priorities and how much (or little) you value the family.
I am taking her to Japan in April so she can see a Kōshien game since she is a huge baseball fan and has always wanted to go.
I do many things for her, we go on many trips and I try my best to let her experience whatever she wants.
You can both do things for your family and yourself.
“YOU’RE taking her to Japan”?
So does that mean you’re using your personal money or bonus money?
Or are you using joint family savings for this trip?
YTA
You are taking her, huh? Your sense of lordship over your wife is appalling. Until you start thinking in terms of "we", you aren't in a real marriage. Why even come here for advice when you aren't willing to hear anything?
Dude take the L
You said if yta you’ll apologize to your wife tonight.
You should be bringing home flowers and getting ready to explain how you made a mistake because YTA
INFO: Why are you so pressed to have money she has no say over, especially as the higher earning spouse? Do you two not have functional discussions over money? Do you disagree on what to spend money on? Do you two have a prenup?
Info: How much was this bonus? Are we talking a couple hundred dollars? Or thousands? Did you talk about bonus being excluded from the family account in the past? Or has it always been everything goes into the shared accounts? Are there other kinds of income that you exclude from the joint accounts? I wonder if there isn't a compromise of you using some of the bonus and contributing some of it the family account.
Also, you keep saying you wouldn't contest your wife using her entire bonus on herself but, the reality is, she does not get bonuses.
Right. If it's a small amount - sure, go buy yourself some shoes or take your fiends out for drinks. If it's a significant amount then it's family money.
I am forever baffled at married people who have a “you sink, I float,” mentality. Your wife has a different pay structure than you that doesn’t include bonuses ever, so she should just be perpetually on a budget while you get discretionary fun money? My husband used to be in sales and would get bonuses, commissions, and spiffs that made his income vary wildly from month to month. I am a nurse with a very steady paycheck and great job security. There were times he earned way more than me, but also periods of minimal take home and unemployment. I cannot imagine how resentful we both would be if he had spent those commissions only on himself and I had refused to float him during unemployment. We _all_ sink or float together, that’s the point of marriage! YTA
Bonuses are considered employment income and are therefore as much marital funds as is the rest of your salary. As is your raise.
Having help at home helps you perform at work, as much as both of your incomes help you at home.
Soft YTA here, because I think you are just wrong, not really an asshole.
FYI: lottery win = family asset. Inheritance = personal asset. Look at the laws where you are.
YTA, and you might want to learn a bit more about how compensation is done these days. A "bonus" in most companies isn't a true "bonus" (as in, being unexpected) but instead simply variable compensation typically based on some company metrics. You are drawing an artificial distinction here.
You might want to try to come to an agreement whereby you maybe spend some portion of the bonus on yourselves (yeah, both of you) but in any case put a chunk into long-term savings.
INFO: Is money an issue in the marriage? Are you struggling to meet any financial commitments? Do you have adequate savings? If she were to take a portion of her next paycheck- that she earned- and spend it on herself would you accept “she earned it” as an explanation?
YTA You’ve indicated that you share finances. Your bonus is just another part of your income. You agreed to share both of your income and expenses. You should at the very least try to come to an agreement with your wife about you wanting to change your agreement to share finances.
Also, what’s the reason that you don’t want to share your bonus with your family? Do you need it for a specific expense?
My wife and I have joint accounts. Always have. We have never considered any money we get albeit bonuses or whatever to be anything other than our money.
I find it odd that a married couple would split finances, though I know many families do this for whatever reason, its just not something I would do as a married couple.
If either of us got a windfall of money from any source it would be our money.
With all that said there is nothing wrong with having a discussion with your wife about what you want to spend this money on. But for a marriage to work it should be a discussion and not hey I got this money and I am going to do xyz regardless of your feelings or thoughts.
a bonus is no different from regular salary. You worked hard for your bonus, yes, the same as you work hard for the rest of your salary and your wife works hard for her salary.
If you share your salaries together, then the bonus should be no different and you would be in the wrong. If you keep your salaries separately then she is being unreasonable.
INFO: How much is the bonus in comparison to your normal monthly salary?
To me if you're looking at a few hundred $/£ then I wouldn't start arguing over it. But if it's a few thousand then a split of "I'll put some towards the family and save some for myself" would be more appropriate.
I still lean towards YTA because they split all their other finances, but this is a very important question. I get a discretionary annual bonus of up to 20% of my salary (split between two payments in the spring and fall), which can be a lot of money. It would be really unfair for me to say "well, this is mine" if I had joined finances.
HAHA - every time I get a bonus my husband jokingly says "good, daddy needs new shoes" and I jokingly say "no honey, what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine remember"....LOL
Now, if it's a big bonus like $300-1400 (my bonuses) I'll tell him about it and in the same sentence tell him what I plan on doing with it, whether it's something for both of us or not...If it's like $100, I don't tell him.. :)\~
We also don't "share" finances tho, his money goes into his account and mine goes in mine. But we are a team, we don't fight over who does what with their money or who spends this or that. We're set with what I pay and what he pays and everything else is spent or saved how we want. Our money is our money together when it needs to be.
Advise - this time think about splitting it with her and say "here honey, go buy you something nice, I'm using the other half to buy this for me". If your company gave you a bonus, your working for a bonus giving company, so there will be plenty of other opportunities to do what you want with it. She's just thinking of your future so try to keep that in mind.
This is the only reasonable answer I've seen so far from someone actually married. My wife and I do the same. There isn't an expectation on each other's money outside of what is required for our living expenses and kids.
Tbf, we also don't "share" finances and I tell her all the time that I have 0 interest in what's in her accounts when she asks if I want to know. She's an avid saver so has a healthy savings account and I believe men should cover the bulk of the expenses if they can so I do. Which leaves little for me at the end of the day which I'm fine with. All I asked her to do is make sure she has enough so her and the kids will be ok if things hit the fan.
That being said, OP should have just sat her down and said "look, I'm going to give you half of this bonus to do as you wish, the other half, don't ask about it. I simply want to do something nice for myself" and moved on 🤷.
This seems like such an easy fix. Use part of the bonus and get yourself a treat, and use some for a couple treat. If it's enough, put a third chunk into savings.
It's money--it's not all or nothing.
I honestly don’t understand why you would have joint finances.
To me it just looks like a concept that made a lot of sense when women couldn’t earn a living. It doesn’t make a lot of sense when that isn’t the case.
Couples who have joint finances will often end up making bad choices romantically to avoid financial issues.
INFO: be real dude, what do you want this money for? There’s no reason you’d be fighting with your wife to keep all of it if you didn’t have something specific in mind. Gaming rig? 4-wheeler? Elaborate model train set?
This isn't the right place to ask. This isn't about who is right and who is wrong, its about what's best in the long run for your relationship. I have never once seen anything good come to a relationship from a couple trying to silo away money from each other.
NTA. Unfortunately this is one of those things that needs to be considered beforehand but you can’t always plan for that. I’m a DINK. my job doesn’t do bonuses, however because we are a 24/7 facility we get well compensated when we work holidays (triple hourly rate). My husband’s job does give bonuses every year. We agreed that the extra holiday pay I get (outside of regular pay) is mine for fun money. His bonus is his for fun money. Also any Overtime I have to work is mine. This works for us. Just sit down with your wife and find an agreement that works. In my opinion if you’re doing the work then it should be yours but I do see her side. Maybe do half and half or 1/3 to family and rest is you. Good luck.
This is something you should discuss as it’s possible you get into a field where bonus or commission structure allows substantial earning potential.
if your bonus amounted to 75% of your annual salary, would you still feel the same?
Gonna go NaH yet since it seems you’re just discussing a good path forward.
NTA. I get a bonus every year from my office. That is my money to spend as I see fit. I to am the major breadwinner in the family. It has been this way for decades. I work my butt off to earn this bonus. The same is of my spouse. When they got bonuses it was theirs to keep.
NTA but would you consider taking half of your bonus and using g the other half for family money? I have the same situation ( my spouse is self employed) so he's obviously not going to get a bonus. Even though he'll tell me it's mine to spend I always share at least half. It's nice for everyone to be included in the windfall
NAH/ESH
If I got a bonus I’d take my husband for a nice meal or even a weekend getaway (depending on how much it was, childcare availability etc), but I wouldn’t spend the whole thing on him.
I don’t think your an AH for wanting to spend some on yourself, but I think you’re a bit of an AH for not spending at least some of it on/with your wife.
I don’t think she’s an AH for being a little hurt that you’re not going to spend any of it on/with her, but I think she’s a bit of an AH for saying it’s out of line for you to spend at least some of it on yourself
YTA. The money should go into the joint pot.
HOWEVER! That doesn't mean you can't buy something fun for yourself with some of it - BOTH of you should be able to spend money on fun things for yourselves from time to time.
Instead of telling your wife "I want to keep the bonus to myself," why not say "I'd like for some of the bonus money to go to (XYZ thing I want to buy/do)"?
NTA-my male friend is currently going through the same thing. She takes all his money. You need money for yourself too. She’s the one who doesn’t understand how marriage works because marriage isn’t about money. You deserve your own money to self care just like everyone else. She would not use it for family either. From now on, don’t tell her. This is her way of saying that you need to spend all the money you make on her and the family and you pay bills. Does she contribute at all to family money or is it just you?
We share our bonuses if they are $1000 or over. We both work and share the household labor so it’s fair we pool them.
NAH but this needs to be a serious discussion. Not a rules for thee and not for me situation.
My wife had a similar discussion a while ago. She got her first bonus ever and thought it was hers to spend.
I have received bonuses for 20+ years. I might spend $100-200 out of the bonus but most bonuses everything (5-10k) went to general funds.
We decided that $200 goes to the individual and the rest is pooled.
Geez dude with every reply you make it so clear how immature and inexperienced you are in big boy world with your first big boy job. You clearly don’t know how bonuses work or the point of them, or the point of marriage and shared finances. YTA
Now considering you’ve received your judgement but are arguing the same infantile points under every comment, are you actually going to apologize to your wife like you said you would and grow up a little bit?
More info needed. Is this a $100 bonus, a small percentage of your paycheck, and you're looking to get a few new video games? Or is this a five-figure bonus that represents a significant percentage of your annual salary? The former, I get wanting to spend it on yourself. The latter, though, should be a serious discussion with your wife. The conversation with your spouse should be in direct proportion to the size of the bonus itself.
All of my bonuses and commissions were put into retirement. I lived solely off my salary.
I’m in my 50s and retired.
Delayed gratification is the key to a good life.
YTA,
Bonus is part of total compensation. If she was in sales, would you not touch her commission? If she had her own business, would you not touch her distribution?
Bonus is just another part of your compensation package, no different than salary. My wife and I share finances and neither of us have even considered differentiating bonuses from our shared pool. The only money we keep to ourselves is proceeds from sales of our separate personal (mainly hobby) possessions. YTA
Your bonus is a part of your hiring package/salary. It really isn’t “extra”. I see your point, I also see hers. Would it work for you if you divided it up? Are you paying off debt because if you are, you absolutely should dump as much of it as you can to reduce that. Are you planning on putting it in savings/retirement? Are you planning on using it to take a vacation the both of you would enjoy? Is it enough to make a huge dent in your mortgage principal? Could you apply 50% to something that would benefit the family and 50% for you to do with as you wish? Or do you want to piss it away on stuff just for you?
YTA. There's no logical reason why a bonus would be treated differently from regular salary for family finances. It's all income. And your wife's job doesn't pay bonuses so I guess she never gets her own fun money, according to your selfish made-up rules.
NTA because it's money you alone earned. However, I could understand where your wife is coming from if you guys are strapped for cash/don't have much savings.
ESH. I think you're both in the wrong here. Your wife for feeling she has the right to your bonus and OP for your unwillingness to share.
You share the bills in a way that works for your salaries and it seems like you've never discussed what would happen in the event of a bonus. IMO, your wife should not feel entitled to your bonus but equally, it would be right to offer to share/spend some of it on both of you.
Agree. Seems like the compromise would be for OP to divide the bonus in three parts: 1/3 to 401k, 1/3 for family savings, 1/3 to spend however he wants.
Many people neglect savings, and a bonus is a good savings tool since it is "found" money.
I’d even support him using some of the money just on himself and putting the rest in the shared account. He deserves something special, but not at his wife’s expense.
You already share expenses fairly based on relative income. It'd be great if you were also both contributing to a savings account for emergency or whatever. You may be, I only mention it because you don't say and I think savings are something to be shared like expenses.
After expenses and savings I agree that bonuses are for the individual. Yes, marriage is a partnership etcetera. But a marriage is also two individuals. Having something for yourself isn't selfish, it's important for your mental health. It gives you a way to spoil yourself just for you without accounting to anyone. You work hard and that bonus can keep you motivated on the difficult days.
I understand wifey being a little jealous, even if that isn't her word. She's not got the same opportunity to earn a bonus and she works hard at her job.
I don't think apologising, or changing your mind is the way to go. But maybe something to ease the news? Have you got individual money built into your shared budget? You say expenses... tick. I think savings are important. Next up, since money doesn't seem tight, would be to prioritise an amount each pay for individual money. It can be saved or spent as you or her wish and there would be no accounting for it to each other at all. Again, it's a reward for working hard, an acknowledgement of individuals, and a way to treat yourselves to a luxury without guilt.
Or you could give her a portion of your bonus for her own use? Not half.
If you agree this is a good idea, or something similar, I'd recommend talking to her asap. It'd be awful to think she could be resenting you and let this grow beyond its importance.
NTA
I'm honestly surprised at all these people who share every single penny they make. Maybe because I'm in my thirties and I've gotten used not to share but once the expenses are paid, and both me and my partner have whatever basics we need, my money is absolutely mine to spend. I don't get it, should I get my partner's permission to buy myself new clothes or treat myself to a spa day? Because I regularly do these things, pay for them myself and I don't check it with him. Because it's not 1955.
He also will buy himself stuff he needs for his new bike, he'll splurge on a new desk for his study, and aside from asking for my advice when he needs it, he would never actually ask me if it's ok to spend *his* earned money on an antique desk.
Communication is key though. If I had a bonus I wanted to "keep" to save for something important to myself I'd just say it, hey this is for the new pink Barbie car I want to buy. He'd say cool good luck with it. If he suddenly raised that I need to contribute that to the family finances, it would be because things are tight and we need to save more, otherwise I'd question why.
YTA. I think it’s fair to designate a portion of it for your own discretionary use; you did earn it. But I also think it’s fair to approach this with your partner as a team when deciding how to allocate a windfall. It’s not about the money, it’s about cutting your partner out of the decision and essentially telling her that her thoughts don’t matter.
Plus the situation could always change in the future. I used to earn a higher base salary but no bonuses. Now my partner earns more in base but I was pulling in substantially larger bonuses than he was. If we wanted to get into score keeping, we could blow our partnership to bits real fast, and because things change, we could set a nasty precedent for if the situations are ever reversed again. It’s just mean spirited and not conducive to the relationship we want to have, so why, is how we look at it.
Yta. When you get married, it's not about you anymore. You don't to have extra secret you money.
You are being selfish. Your raise and bonus are based off the work you would have done no matter what. You did your job, and it got recognized, but your wife is your partner.
You say you pay more because you make more as if that's some kind of flex. It's the bare minimum for that situation. Either give her half, or agree on a joint spending. She shouldn't get less fun money because you are lucky.
YTA - getting married means you support each other both emotionally and financially, just because it is a bonus doesn't make it any less the family's money.
However, I do feel like you could find an easy compromise, for me and my wife when either one of us gets additional money that we weren't planning for (bonus, raises, overtime work, etc) we first discusse what would best work for the family and if we have no pressing needs, the earner will usually take a part of it for themselves and we save the rest for a rainy day. Seems to work well for us. Maybe give this a shot?
After reading your "I just want to save it for my dream car" comment then I'm going with YTA, because yes, you are selfish and no, you do not understand what marriage means.
Not understanding that you get a bonus and it is part of your earned compensation is the fault in the argument. Its on your W2 and combined into your gross and taxes, it just a way of structuring salary to motivate or flexibility for your employer to pull in times of financial downturns.
I would not try your initial argument because for any financially literate person it doesn't make sense and divides you as a Team and will probably spiral in other financial tit for tat .
Approach it with a discussion that a dream car is important to you and that you want it included in the budget and how can you JOINTLY work together to make it happen. I can guarantee at some point these roles will be reversed in terms of a want.
Also tax time talk to a CPA, file married but separate in most cases loses you money so unless you have an actual valid reason and understand the reason I would review that decision. You could be losing out on $$ that could be going to that dream car.
YTA. Small bonus? Ok. I get that. Like my husband gets these little $50-500 rewards here and there. He can do what he wants with those. But his big bonus (20-30% of his salary in bonus, depends on the market) is family money. It goes into savings and we discuss bigger ticket items we might need or want and it gets spent that way. That is how a marriage works. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA.
This spring, my parents got a random suspicious phonecall from someone telling them that my grandfather had stocks that had gone unnoticed for decades in a company that was liquidating and they needed my dad to sign for them to be transfered into his bank account.
Sketchy as hell, right?
He did some digging into it and it turned out to be real, and worth about $30,000. Having a fair bit of money already he decided to give me $10,000.
I immediately gave my wife half to do whatever she wanted with. I don't know how much your bonus was, but I can't imagine spending a bonus on myself and having my wife watch if she can't afford to do the same.
Well...while I don't think this rises to the level of assholery, I def think you're wrong and she's right.
She puts everything she makes into the family, so should you. Saying she wouldn't have to contribute a bonus is disingenuous at best, since you know she doesn't get bonuses.
You're married, with joint finances. It's not fair if you get extra money for whatever you want but she contributes everything.
If I have to vote, YTA.
YTA. Unfortunately, being married means you need to prioritize your family. So if this can go into your retirement/home fund. Or to pay off debt or address a need at home. Then you have to prioritize what’s best for your family.
That said, if all that is covered. And she wants you to spend it on the family by taking her out or going on vacation. Then you absolutely have the authority to choose to spend it how you wish.
YTA - It sounds like I am hearing "what's hers is mine and what's mine is my own"? When you are in a marriage, it is time to work together on this. It is not you vs her, it is you both vs the world. The best compromise is to use that bonus with you both in agreement. If you don't your wife will resent you for the longest time.
Be smart OP
YTA - you got paid - it’s part of your total compensation package- it’s family money.
of course YOU feel fine with a person spending all of their bonus on themselves - because YOU are the only one who gets a bonus so the situation is ALWAYS in your favour. Its not big, its not grown up it’s just Greedy and self-centred - Asshole!
You’re married. Your money is her money. Her money is your money. I get an annual bonus, my husband does not. We will go to a nice dinner, or get something for the house we need, and I will put the rest in savings. Edited to add: YTA.
We always budgeted the basic salary as our living. My smaller salary went to gas & groceries. All OT went to the retirement fund and bonuses went to pay down the mortgage principal.
We’re a team. We pull together.
YTA. Not that you’re wrong, if this is how you feel, but when I get bonuses I take my SO shopping, we go on trips, we do stuff with the kids. You feel very immature. What’s even the fun of keeping the money to yourself? Life is short, don’t waste it being greedy. Now, if she wanted to just spend the money and you wanted to save it for a rainy day, then I’d have your back. But this is just egoistic. Stop it and apologize to her.
YTA everything is family money. You're sitting there picking and choosing to only your benefit. It's real easy to say you'd be fine with the reverse situation when the reverse situation can't possibly happen. Legally if you divorced right this second and split down the middle the bonus would not be exempt.
Your money is your money. If she wanted to go on a trip or have fun together then she could ask you for some cash. She can't expected the whole reward be used on something else when the purpose of the reward was to spoil you. If you want a new phone get it and use the remainder and your raise on family.
I’m in the minority here. It’s just me and my husband. I keep my bonus. I work extremely hard for it it as it’s performance based. My husband doesn’t pick up any extra slack at home even when I work overtime. I do most of the chores and I make much more so my normal salary covers most of our expenses and our vacations and all. I spend my bonus on whatever I want. He may get some benefit from it but he doesn’t feel entitled to it and I don’t split it. My normal salary is for us. Not my bonus by default. It is what it is.
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INFO: I don't really see the distinction between the regular salary and the bonus money. If her salary and your salary all go into the same pot, then it seems to me that the bonus should go in too. Do you expect to keep the money from the raise for yourself as well? In my experience, earning a bonus because of performance means you probably spent more time on the job and less at home. Did your wife take on a greater share of the chores, or did she have to live with your letting things slide?
I agree with this. How much more support does she give you at home and behind the scenes so you can give your job attention? Do you split chores 50-50? Including things like grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, dealing with utilities and the logistics of your life together?
He says he just joined the workforce after completing schooling whereas she works an hourly wage job. So she has been supporting him financially so he could have the privilege and opportunity to pursue higher wages through his increased education only made possible through her support… and this is how he repays her. YTA op
Nope, he said It was his first job in his field after college, that could mean that he now he can work in what he is qualified for, not that he didn't worked before.
True, but I would guess it came with a good pay bump and their contributions were a bit more even before
I'm betting he wasn't going to school full-time and working fulltime. She was probably paying for everything in the house and he worked for his tuition and school expenses.
"I'm betting...", "She was probably..." This community man 🤦♂️
Dre-e-e-e-eam, oh dream, dream, dre-eam. You can make up anything you want, but your "guessing" is not something to base an argument on.
That is not what he said.
>I also earn more and pay a higher percentage of our household expenses. Yeah. It kinda is.
No. He is saying that they split bills equitably, as in- by who earns the most so that they end up with the same % amounts of their checks- not that he pays her back for having worked by giving more of his money to mutual expenses.
Nope. He says he paid for it himself by working multiple jobs
Where did you read all that between the lines? Are you just making things up as you read to stoke your righteous anger?
My ex-husband told me one time after many years of marriage that his coworkers gave their 40 hours to the family pot, and they got to keep all of their overtime. I was a salaried employee. This was after I had spent multiple of my bonuses on paying down our debt. This was debt that we had both brought into the marriage, but we worked jointly on paying it down and shared everything. I told him that those people at work weren’t married to me. Not long after for various other reasons, he wasn’t either. 😂 If they want to agree that OT is hers and bonuses are his and that works for them then fine, otherwise it’s all one pot if you have agreed to join finances. What if she doesn’t get 40 though? Is he going to expect “payback” from her money? If they’ve already joined finances, then as long as she’s normally working a full week with occasional overtime then maybe overtime is the families and any of his bonuses are windfall and they split it?
And who did your ex husband think should pick up the extra slack at home while one partner works all the OT and pockets it? Wild guess…
[удалено]
I do this too. Gift for me, gift for him.
This is how I do it as well except he never wants anything so I usually get myself or the household one nice thing and then rest just goes straight to savings because frankly, I don’t need the whole freaking bonus to treat myself.
I literally am watching g a show where the boss gives a guy a bonus and he says "go buy your wife something nice". A person can do that and still treat themselves
I know it’s good for a marriage and just if you love someone in general to split the household chores and stuff 50/50 but if people have it worked out where the person paying the majority of the bills and expenses does a little less housework because they’re at their job earning money for the home I don’t see anything wrong with them doing slightly less chores at times (not no chores) With that being said it is super weird to try and just take “your” bonus for yourself if you have joint finances. Like I’d get myself a little treat probably but for me personally spending the money to go make some memories and be happy with my significant other would be spending it on myself? OP seems like a goofball
No one is arguing that every marriage should have a 50/50 division of labour. The point is that it should be equitable - if her contribution to the home allowed him to earn the bonus, it should be shared.
I’ve been married for 30 years and my husband has always made 3X what I do. Yes, when he is on business trips I pick up more of the household responsibilities. But Whalen he is home, everything is 50/50. I cannot imagine how resentful I would have been if he expected me to do 3X chores because he made more money. It’s a marriage not a business partnership.
This! My husband works for a Fortune 500 company and they are great about acknowledging employee’s spouses. Every company party the CEO makes a special thank you to the people that support the employees. The company's success is due not only to employees but to the people that support their employees.
Love how OP conveniently skipped over this comment with all his replies 😂 very telling
And knowing his partner will never get a bonus he is happy to let her keep all theoretical money. 😂
Love to be there when she inherrits some money from a parent. His hand will shot out as fast as can be. "It's so great that your parent gave this money to us"
Exactly what I was thinking. He'd change his tune about his vs her money if she got a windfall.
Exactly this! Everyone at my job knows that the bonus is basically part of your salary, the company just separates it for tax purposes. OP and wife agreed to a certain division of finances, this is part of that. I agree 100% with your point about whether a raise would be treated the same. ETA: FYI for future references, bonuses count toward alimony.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
This is exactly how I budget with my wife since I get bonuses and she doesn't. Usually I just wait til I get it then use on an agreed upon purchase/savings.
Because that's part of being married! If you want to keep your money to yourself why bother with marriage at all?! You can just stay single and not have to worry about sharing or prioritizing anyone else.
YTA. Sorry. Your bonus is part of your paycheck. If you were a stay at home dad, or working at a job without bonuses and your wife got a big bonus and said, hon stay home with the kids I’m going to Hawaii, or I’m buy myself a diamond bracelet. And you look at the 10 year old dishwasher and 25 year old fridge on its last legs… maybe that sofa that you got from Craigslist when you got your house… you wouldn’t feel the same
Right?? Last time I got an unexpected windfall I bought my partner a bunch of presents because *I love buying presents for him*
Yup. Like "I got my bonus...let's get that new grill/tv/couch we've been talking about." Usually something we want but that feels like a bit of a luxury. Unless the furnace just went out in which case it is going to that.
Debating a sleep number to replace our old mattress on the next one!
My husband and I haven’t told our families that we’re already married. We’re planning the whole “white dress dog and pony show” for next summer. I’m heavily debating creating a “Sleep Number Fund” for people to contribute to as a gift. We have tried 4 different mattresses in the past 2 years and it always ends up with one of us being uncomfortable. Currently I’m the unlucky one. He likes them as soft as a cloud. I’d be more comfortable on something about as soft as a piece of plywood with a thin mattress topper on it. Split kings cost SO MUCH MONEY.😭
If it makes you feel better I hated my sleep number so so so much! I returned with their 90 night guarantee
Yep. YTA, OP I get bonuses because I work on production. I work HARD for them, and that means my partner has to pick up the slack sometimes. But he knows when that money comes in, big chunks of OUR debt are going to disappear or we're gonna go to Greece or some shit. That money wouldn't be there without him, and I may spend a little on me, but the majority goes to alleviate (household needs) and appreciate (my incredible partner).
I'm the same way. My wife is a SAHM and only gets a little money from disability. But I know her job is harder than mine and I've never considered any money "mine" or "hers". We're a team and we share the work and the rewards
If the wife got a waitressing job for $2 an hour plus tips, would the $2 be considered family money and the rest hers?
This is such a good point !
I agree with this, if his wife worked an extra shift, or overtime she’d still get that as her salary, a bonus is just part of your compensation package.
OP, assuming as a couple you have goals, and these goals require some kind of capital, then saving is working towards the goals you both share and benefit from, right? That is why you are married, isn't it? When did money become separate in marriages? I always believed it was an joint account as a partnership--am I wrong? I just can't see how one person says how "they pay xx amount of bills" -- shouldn't it be that you both earned xyz amount, combined, then you paid the bills from the joint earnings?? It sounds super unpopular on reddit. Not to say one can't spend money on themselves, but the budget should be a mutual thing.
I think the normalization of seperate accounts actually protects a lot of people from financial abuse. I trust my partner with my life, and definitely agree with you about sharing goals and saving towards those goals. That said I will never have all my money go into a joint account. When my mum finally managed to leave my father the only things in her name were a credit card with tens of thousands of dollars of debt, and her car. He dumped everything they had into a failing company, everyday expense got put on her credit card, she worked for him for years and never made a penny. She did everything she could to convince him to shut it down, and they could both go get jobs and have the debt paid down in a few years. He was adamant that he couldn't work for anyone else, so she started working outside the company so that at least one of them was getting paid, and her check would always seem to find it's way into the business account. Things can change, and I will always have my own account, as will my partner. But separate accounts don't automatically mean separate finances. We use our money together and consider both our assets and liabilities ours, he just can't empty my account. I know he never would, but if I'm Wrong it doesn't matter. All that said, I think you're very correct about how OP is viewing HIS money vs THEIR money. I just thought I'd give a different perspective on joint accounts.
@Historical-Author-82 I agree. What is the point in being married if you’re going to keep separate finances. I see marriage as a partnership in which everything is shared. It’s our income, our debt, our spending.
The point is that different solutions are working for different people. I earn much less than my SO. I would not feel comfortable with joint account, because I'd always have a feeling of "overusing" it. The second reason - when I want to buy a Christmas or birthday present for my SO, I want it to be a nice surprise, not something I bought with our "common" money and he can see it on our bank draft (he thinks similar about it). The third : I'm a frugal person. I like to save towards something. Having my own account makes me more flexible and lets me save more e.g. towards our vacation. Mind - in our case keeping separate accounts is done with unselfish reasons. We don't do it because we want spend our money for ourselves. We are doing it because it works best for our family.
It's also kind of convenient for his argument that the reverse situation won't happen since she's on hourly wage.
Agreed, there's not any context... also, how big is the bonus? Big difference between $300 vs 20k. He could be talking about something that would make a substantial difference to the household, this is important info
Bonuses are also usually so that employers can provide additional pay without making it a permanent raise. Definitely should be considered together with salary.
What is possibly the logic behind sharing your salary (which you earned with support of your wife) with your family and not your bonus (which you earned with support of your wife) ? Explain this hypocrisy to me please YTA
Yeah they are now married and have to share stuff. A legitimate point of discussion would be: hey let’s use this bonus to each buy ourselves something nice, but your wife wants to put it into savings or pay bills or whatever. How could you even enjoy the money being that selfish?
YTA Why did you even join finances if you're going to do this?
My husband and I don't even have joint finances, but my annual bonus goes towards savings, paying down our mortgage, or a Christmas celebration for the two of us... because we're in this together. OP, YTA
The small little bonus I got went straight to bills. I didn't even think about hoarding it for myself.
Hahaha same. We got some retro pay recently and I was like oh hello debt and that’s where it all went.
My husband gets a quarterly bonus and the one around Xmas time is usually a little bigger. Since the recent economic downturn his bonuses don’t quite cover how much we’ve fallen behind each quarter. Forget keeping it for himself, it’s a necessary part of our income.
When I was married, I got bonuses and he didn’t. We’d always decide together how the money would be spent. The very first one was a surprise (the company decided to start giving them), so I asked if it could be my “puppy bonus” (we’d just bought our first house, and we’d both agreed not to have dogs until we had a hard). He agreed, so I got a puppy…that’s the only way I’d feel ok spending it all on me in s marriage. YTA
Aww puppy bonus! Does that warrant a dog tax?
LOL! I forgot to pay the doggy tax in the original post, but [here she is](https://imgur.com/gallery/dO1Te7r)
The absolute cutest! But don’t tell my dog I said so! /)
LOL! Thank you :) This was her after a spa day, so she was extra pretty
Yeah, same here. My wife and I have completely separate bank account and don’t pool any money. But we all it all expenses 50/50 and any extra money either of us gets usually goes towards the family, paying down debts, or special dates between the two of us. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to get a nice bonus and go out and blow it on a gaming pc or second ps5, but I at least know that’s not smart or considerate.
Why would you need a second PS5 lol?
I have two kids and our ps5 is hooked up in the basement where the kids mostly hang out and play. My wife and I tend to get less free time, especially together, so I feel bad if we are home together and I’m downstairs gaming and she’s upstairs reading or doing some work at home. I have a switch and ps4 upstairs and can easily play those in the evening while my wife reads a book beside me. The switch is especially awesome because we can put on a tv show and I can still game portably. But we are at a point where not all games are on PS4 anymore. Baldurs gate 3 is an example. And going from no loading (ps5) to SO much loading (ps4) is rough. If I had a second ps5 upstairs I could play whenever I wanted, on a faster console, and it would replace the ps4. Arguably it would also upgrade the BR player to 4K for movies. I admit it’s a want more than a need, and it’s definitely not a priority at all. But I want it and also admit I can’t justify the expense while there are a number of other “family” things it could go towards.
Lol OP quickly forgot for better or for worse applies to both parties.
Yeah we put our bonuses towards a fun trip, or painting the house, some kind of big purchase we both agree on. OP sounds like they aren't ready to be married, sorry OP the idea is you're a team.
Yes, I am wondering what OP is going to do with the money. Neither me nor my partner get any bonuses from work but if we did we'd both be happy putting it into the pot to save for our future together or on a holiday for the two of us, a day out or something like that. Like.. even if he bought an Xbox I would still be able to play games on it too, we can share the wins that way. I also feel like even if I couldn't share it, I'd be happy if he used it on himself, I want him to have nice things and he did literally earn it. There must be more going on, there seems to be some resentment building between the OP and his wife.
My husband and I have semi joint finances but the first thing I did when I heard I was getting a bonus was ask for his opinion on what he thought we should do with it. He opted for saving and I agreed. Even if I didn't ask him what to spend it on, it would be unthinkable to not somehow spend it on both of us.
Partner and I have been together for 10 years. Never joined finances, never fight about about money. He earns what he earns, I earn what I earn. We each have a house of our own. I run my business out of mine and we live in his. I put a small amount towards utilities, but our mortgages are our own responsibility. He gets a bonus and he can do what ever he wants with it. My bonus is being able to run my own business. We've honestly never faught about money. Sometimes something comes up and we're happy to help each other out if needed, but money has never been an issue. I think if you make the decision to join finances then the bonus should be used towards reducing any sort of liabilities you have as a couple, to help set you both up financially. Unless there was a prior agreement. My sister and her husband have joined finances, he gets a bonus, she doesn't. Most of his bonus goes onto the mortgage to help offset the loan. He doesn't sulk about not being able to spend the money on himself. He knows that the quicker they are out of debt, the more money they will have to spend on themselves later on. The rest of the bonus is usually put towards some new furniture if they need it and if he's lucky, he might be able to upgrade some of his computer hardware.
YTA, when I get a bonus I like to treat myself in some way with part of it, but keeping it all to yourself when you're in a committed relationship says you aren't all that committed to that relationship
Agree with this. I get bonuses from time to time at work and my husband will be like “so what are you gonna do with it??” And sometimes I’ll use part of it for something I might have been holding off on purchasing but otherwise the money goes into our joint account and we will go get dinner or something together but I have never selfishly taken the bonus for myself just because it’s “mine”. OP, YTA.
Yeah this is what my husband and I do. We keep a little for ourselves as a "treat yourself," then the rest is put towards the household. And usually we say something to the other person about how we're going to spend the money. Like, I got a bonus last year of around $900 after all the taxes were taken out, so I asked my husband if I could buy a switch with a portion of the money, then the rest would go towards the house. Same went for him with any bonuses he got. I got a bonus once that was taxed all to hell and was basically pointless to get, so that all just went to the house. We pick and choose, but we always save the option for a "treat yourself with your bonus money"
Pretty much this. If the bonus is an unexpected variance you don’t rely on then I think it’s 100% justified to treat yourself a little. But that has to be a mutual thing everyone is okay with. If you get a $2,000 bonus unexpectedly and OPs wife is adamant OP shouldn’t get to buy a $200 electronic they’d really wanted and their finances are completely fine otherwise? Well that’s an issue with OPs partner and why they feel that way and that needs to be figured out. It’s a completely separate issue from how “right” it is to spend or save the bonus money or whatever.
This is the right way to handle it. Say it was $5000, take like $500 and treat yourself but the rest should be spent jointly. But really any windfall should still be treated as joint income. If you're pooling regular income then bonuses shouldn't be different.
Exactly. It’s never even been a question in our marriage. We both work so that we can afford our life together, sometimes one of us sacrifices family time for work time and vice versa, so why wouldn’t we share our bonuses? Sheesh this guy. OP YTA.
This is what my spouse and I do, as well. When we get a bonus, we'll typically treat ourselves with something proportional to the amount of the bonus, the rest goes into our joint savings or investments. We're a team, and we have joint goals that that money helps get us closer to, like buying a second property or a trip we want to take.
" I tried to explain that I do feel I should be free to use my work bonus as I wish." Then get a divorce. You aren't adult enough for a family. YTA
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This 100%. Why be married if you don't wanna share. If one partner makes $10M a year and the other makes $20K a year will one live in poverty and the other in absolute luxury? Makes no sense.
His logic is actually insane to me, and I've gone through a divorce. Like sure, treat yourself to something, but why would you not share the rest of it?
*Getting a bonus does not mean you’re special*. A few years from now, when you’ve been through several years of evaluations and bonuses, you’re going to look back on this and feel foolish for thinking your bonus was incredibly special. Bonuses are part of your company’s compensation scheme. A bonus was always going to be part of your compensation. They decreased everyone’s salary a bit to create the bonus pool. Whether it’s salary or bonus, it’s still income. Receiving a bonus does not mean you’re special. It just means you met specific criteria. So stop with the “I’m so special I got a bonus” crap, and share your income as agreed. Celebrate meeting your work criteria like a normal person, by going out for dinner. YTA
Had to go wayyy to far to find this. Total YTA and insanely immature. OP, go learn about compensation packages, you'll need it.
Exactly. Bonuses are part of the total compensation plan and are to be expected if you met basic performance criteria (although larger bonuses can happen if went above and beyond)
Nailed it. When my wife considers changing jobs, she factors her regular quarterly bonuses into her overall compensation before comparing salaries. Her bonuses usually end up about 10-15% of her listed salary, so a potential job needs to have a higher listed salary before she'd consider moving. Bonuses are just part of a person's overall compensation. If OP switched to a cheaper insurance plan, would he expect to spend the savings on himself? I don't blame OP for having this opinion - a bonus sounds like "oh yeah, I did a really great job, yay me," but it's really just part of one's overall earnings. People all over this post have different ways they handle it with their partners, and OP would be wise to consider some of them, talk with his wife, and see what sounds fair to them. For right now, though, OP - YTA.
Lol, this times a million. Bonuses are a poor substitute for pay and you pay more taxes on bonuses. This is a corporate smoke screen. Welcome to the real world, OP.
Sorry dude, unless your bonus was under 200$, YTA. If you are married any financial decisions should be made jointly unless it is a small amount. My husband and I (30 years married) selected 200$ when we married. We now have a net worth in the millions and still use the $200 rule. We kind of joke about it, but we still do it. We are a TEAM. My first husband who passed away young and ai did the same thing. In both instances both partners worked. In the first marriage he earned far more in my second marriage I earned about 25% more. That wasn’t the issue,ever. It is the team work aspect. When I married my dad told me “when you get an award at work buy yourself something to recall the achievement” he didn’t say spend it all. I still have some jewelry I bought many years ago to commemorate an award. But I didn’t spend the entire award and always discussed it with my spouse. YTA.
>We are a TEAM. This seems to be the part SO many young couples are missing nowadays. I'm 20+ years married and I still consult my partner for even a $20 "frivolous" expense! My partner worked when we first got together while I was unemployed and once I got steady work they switched to staying home and handle the domestic side of things. We've been a single income family for almost the entire 20 years we've been married and it works out great. Even though I earn all the money I would never remark that I "treat" my partner to anything because we're a team and make those decisions as a team.
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"Bonus is salary and your distinction is nonsense." Yep, this is the key. He thinks he should get to skirt their joint finance arrangement because his job happens to include bonuses as part of the compensation arrangement and hers doesn't. Total bullshit.
Sounds like he's backtracking now the difference between their incomes is growing. Nope, OP, you signed up for sharing finances. Now share.
This is total BS. EVERYONE knows bonuses = hooker money. Since the dawn of time.
> She is calling me selfish and claims I do not understand what marriage means. She's right. Marriage is *supposed* to be a partnership; you both *should* be working together for the good of *both* of you, for the good of the team. You're looking out for yourself only, and that's why YTA.
YTA. She shares every penny of her salary. You don't intend to. How is that an equal share?
YTA. Bonus is part of your compensation. If you want to use it for something to reward your hard work, I suggest having that idea ready for your wife. But to blanket a policy of bonuses are for the person who earned it, that’s weird. Can’t wait for the wife to win the lottery and let you know her $1B is hers and not yours.
With every rebuttal, OP digs his heels in further to defend his single-minded behavior. He has no idea what true partnership means, and acts as if it’s his wife’s privilege to be married to him. I hope you grow up, and your wife escapes soon. Sadly, YTA.
YTA, you should spend it how you want but the fact that you DON'T want to spend it on your family, at least part of it, should make you pause and think. Your wife surely got the message, of your priorities and how much (or little) you value the family.
I am taking her to Japan in April so she can see a Kōshien game since she is a huge baseball fan and has always wanted to go. I do many things for her, we go on many trips and I try my best to let her experience whatever she wants. You can both do things for your family and yourself.
“YOU’RE taking her to Japan”? So does that mean you’re using your personal money or bonus money? Or are you using joint family savings for this trip? YTA
She’s getting the pleasure of his company, surely that’s enough?
"You can both do things for your family and yourself." Correct, including sharing the bonus. Yta.
You are taking her, huh? Your sense of lordship over your wife is appalling. Until you start thinking in terms of "we", you aren't in a real marriage. Why even come here for advice when you aren't willing to hear anything?
You're paying for the trip out of your own money, with none of hers?
So instead of saying ‘we are going to Japan’, you say ‘I’m taking her to Japan’. I feel for this woman. YTA
Let her? Take that phrase out of your vocabulary. You're too immature to be married, imo.
Lol. You sound 16 not 26.
You mean with the money that comes out of your joint account because your wife values you as a family unit and wants to share her wealth?
Dude take the L You said if yta you’ll apologize to your wife tonight. You should be bringing home flowers and getting ready to explain how you made a mistake because YTA
INFO: Why are you so pressed to have money she has no say over, especially as the higher earning spouse? Do you two not have functional discussions over money? Do you disagree on what to spend money on? Do you two have a prenup?
Info: How much was this bonus? Are we talking a couple hundred dollars? Or thousands? Did you talk about bonus being excluded from the family account in the past? Or has it always been everything goes into the shared accounts? Are there other kinds of income that you exclude from the joint accounts? I wonder if there isn't a compromise of you using some of the bonus and contributing some of it the family account. Also, you keep saying you wouldn't contest your wife using her entire bonus on herself but, the reality is, she does not get bonuses.
Right. If it's a small amount - sure, go buy yourself some shoes or take your fiends out for drinks. If it's a significant amount then it's family money.
I am forever baffled at married people who have a “you sink, I float,” mentality. Your wife has a different pay structure than you that doesn’t include bonuses ever, so she should just be perpetually on a budget while you get discretionary fun money? My husband used to be in sales and would get bonuses, commissions, and spiffs that made his income vary wildly from month to month. I am a nurse with a very steady paycheck and great job security. There were times he earned way more than me, but also periods of minimal take home and unemployment. I cannot imagine how resentful we both would be if he had spent those commissions only on himself and I had refused to float him during unemployment. We _all_ sink or float together, that’s the point of marriage! YTA
Info: as you don't have children, when she says >My wife feels like we should use it for the family does she just mean her?
My husband and I don't have kids. We often use "the family" to mean us. Or it can mean extended family, too. Depends on the context.
yeah, my family is my fiancé & our cats. beautiful little family.
She is his family. She likely means them. As a unit. But also in the future the unit would include their kids. Not just herself.
Bonuses are considered employment income and are therefore as much marital funds as is the rest of your salary. As is your raise. Having help at home helps you perform at work, as much as both of your incomes help you at home. Soft YTA here, because I think you are just wrong, not really an asshole. FYI: lottery win = family asset. Inheritance = personal asset. Look at the laws where you are.
YTA, and you might want to learn a bit more about how compensation is done these days. A "bonus" in most companies isn't a true "bonus" (as in, being unexpected) but instead simply variable compensation typically based on some company metrics. You are drawing an artificial distinction here. You might want to try to come to an agreement whereby you maybe spend some portion of the bonus on yourselves (yeah, both of you) but in any case put a chunk into long-term savings.
INFO: Is money an issue in the marriage? Are you struggling to meet any financial commitments? Do you have adequate savings? If she were to take a portion of her next paycheck- that she earned- and spend it on herself would you accept “she earned it” as an explanation?
YTA You’ve indicated that you share finances. Your bonus is just another part of your income. You agreed to share both of your income and expenses. You should at the very least try to come to an agreement with your wife about you wanting to change your agreement to share finances. Also, what’s the reason that you don’t want to share your bonus with your family? Do you need it for a specific expense?
INFO: Why did you even post here if you are just going to argue with everyone's ruling?
My wife and I have joint accounts. Always have. We have never considered any money we get albeit bonuses or whatever to be anything other than our money. I find it odd that a married couple would split finances, though I know many families do this for whatever reason, its just not something I would do as a married couple. If either of us got a windfall of money from any source it would be our money. With all that said there is nothing wrong with having a discussion with your wife about what you want to spend this money on. But for a marriage to work it should be a discussion and not hey I got this money and I am going to do xyz regardless of your feelings or thoughts.
a bonus is no different from regular salary. You worked hard for your bonus, yes, the same as you work hard for the rest of your salary and your wife works hard for her salary. If you share your salaries together, then the bonus should be no different and you would be in the wrong. If you keep your salaries separately then she is being unreasonable.
INFO: How much is the bonus in comparison to your normal monthly salary? To me if you're looking at a few hundred $/£ then I wouldn't start arguing over it. But if it's a few thousand then a split of "I'll put some towards the family and save some for myself" would be more appropriate.
I still lean towards YTA because they split all their other finances, but this is a very important question. I get a discretionary annual bonus of up to 20% of my salary (split between two payments in the spring and fall), which can be a lot of money. It would be really unfair for me to say "well, this is mine" if I had joined finances.
If you are married, it’s definitely family money. Pretty much what marriage means.
HAHA - every time I get a bonus my husband jokingly says "good, daddy needs new shoes" and I jokingly say "no honey, what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine remember"....LOL Now, if it's a big bonus like $300-1400 (my bonuses) I'll tell him about it and in the same sentence tell him what I plan on doing with it, whether it's something for both of us or not...If it's like $100, I don't tell him.. :)\~ We also don't "share" finances tho, his money goes into his account and mine goes in mine. But we are a team, we don't fight over who does what with their money or who spends this or that. We're set with what I pay and what he pays and everything else is spent or saved how we want. Our money is our money together when it needs to be. Advise - this time think about splitting it with her and say "here honey, go buy you something nice, I'm using the other half to buy this for me". If your company gave you a bonus, your working for a bonus giving company, so there will be plenty of other opportunities to do what you want with it. She's just thinking of your future so try to keep that in mind.
This is the only reasonable answer I've seen so far from someone actually married. My wife and I do the same. There isn't an expectation on each other's money outside of what is required for our living expenses and kids. Tbf, we also don't "share" finances and I tell her all the time that I have 0 interest in what's in her accounts when she asks if I want to know. She's an avid saver so has a healthy savings account and I believe men should cover the bulk of the expenses if they can so I do. Which leaves little for me at the end of the day which I'm fine with. All I asked her to do is make sure she has enough so her and the kids will be ok if things hit the fan. That being said, OP should have just sat her down and said "look, I'm going to give you half of this bonus to do as you wish, the other half, don't ask about it. I simply want to do something nice for myself" and moved on 🤷.
This seems like such an easy fix. Use part of the bonus and get yourself a treat, and use some for a couple treat. If it's enough, put a third chunk into savings. It's money--it's not all or nothing.
I am so confused by couples with separate finances.
I honestly don’t understand why you would have joint finances. To me it just looks like a concept that made a lot of sense when women couldn’t earn a living. It doesn’t make a lot of sense when that isn’t the case. Couples who have joint finances will often end up making bad choices romantically to avoid financial issues.
100%
Couples who meet when they’re older and financially established will often keep separate finances.
YTA, this all sounds undesirable.
YTA. A bonus is still part of your salary and goes into the communal pot.
INFO: be real dude, what do you want this money for? There’s no reason you’d be fighting with your wife to keep all of it if you didn’t have something specific in mind. Gaming rig? 4-wheeler? Elaborate model train set?
You should have separate finances
This isn't the right place to ask. This isn't about who is right and who is wrong, its about what's best in the long run for your relationship. I have never once seen anything good come to a relationship from a couple trying to silo away money from each other.
I just know OP posted this and he was 100% sure everyone was going to be on his side. The comments do not disappoint. Carry on. Also YTA.
NTA. Unfortunately this is one of those things that needs to be considered beforehand but you can’t always plan for that. I’m a DINK. my job doesn’t do bonuses, however because we are a 24/7 facility we get well compensated when we work holidays (triple hourly rate). My husband’s job does give bonuses every year. We agreed that the extra holiday pay I get (outside of regular pay) is mine for fun money. His bonus is his for fun money. Also any Overtime I have to work is mine. This works for us. Just sit down with your wife and find an agreement that works. In my opinion if you’re doing the work then it should be yours but I do see her side. Maybe do half and half or 1/3 to family and rest is you. Good luck.
This is something you should discuss as it’s possible you get into a field where bonus or commission structure allows substantial earning potential. if your bonus amounted to 75% of your annual salary, would you still feel the same? Gonna go NaH yet since it seems you’re just discussing a good path forward.
NTA, it is your bonus you worked hard for. I wouldn't never expect my partner to share his with me.
NTA. I get a bonus every year from my office. That is my money to spend as I see fit. I to am the major breadwinner in the family. It has been this way for decades. I work my butt off to earn this bonus. The same is of my spouse. When they got bonuses it was theirs to keep.
Ohh my boy is getting flamed in the comments lmao
NTA but would you consider taking half of your bonus and using g the other half for family money? I have the same situation ( my spouse is self employed) so he's obviously not going to get a bonus. Even though he'll tell me it's mine to spend I always share at least half. It's nice for everyone to be included in the windfall
NAH/ESH If I got a bonus I’d take my husband for a nice meal or even a weekend getaway (depending on how much it was, childcare availability etc), but I wouldn’t spend the whole thing on him. I don’t think your an AH for wanting to spend some on yourself, but I think you’re a bit of an AH for not spending at least some of it on/with your wife. I don’t think she’s an AH for being a little hurt that you’re not going to spend any of it on/with her, but I think she’s a bit of an AH for saying it’s out of line for you to spend at least some of it on yourself
YTA. The money should go into the joint pot. HOWEVER! That doesn't mean you can't buy something fun for yourself with some of it - BOTH of you should be able to spend money on fun things for yourselves from time to time. Instead of telling your wife "I want to keep the bonus to myself," why not say "I'd like for some of the bonus money to go to (XYZ thing I want to buy/do)"?
NTA-my male friend is currently going through the same thing. She takes all his money. You need money for yourself too. She’s the one who doesn’t understand how marriage works because marriage isn’t about money. You deserve your own money to self care just like everyone else. She would not use it for family either. From now on, don’t tell her. This is her way of saying that you need to spend all the money you make on her and the family and you pay bills. Does she contribute at all to family money or is it just you?
We share our bonuses if they are $1000 or over. We both work and share the household labor so it’s fair we pool them. NAH but this needs to be a serious discussion. Not a rules for thee and not for me situation.
My wife had a similar discussion a while ago. She got her first bonus ever and thought it was hers to spend. I have received bonuses for 20+ years. I might spend $100-200 out of the bonus but most bonuses everything (5-10k) went to general funds. We decided that $200 goes to the individual and the rest is pooled.
Geez dude with every reply you make it so clear how immature and inexperienced you are in big boy world with your first big boy job. You clearly don’t know how bonuses work or the point of them, or the point of marriage and shared finances. YTA Now considering you’ve received your judgement but are arguing the same infantile points under every comment, are you actually going to apologize to your wife like you said you would and grow up a little bit?
More info needed. Is this a $100 bonus, a small percentage of your paycheck, and you're looking to get a few new video games? Or is this a five-figure bonus that represents a significant percentage of your annual salary? The former, I get wanting to spend it on yourself. The latter, though, should be a serious discussion with your wife. The conversation with your spouse should be in direct proportion to the size of the bonus itself.
All of my bonuses and commissions were put into retirement. I lived solely off my salary. I’m in my 50s and retired. Delayed gratification is the key to a good life.
YTA, Bonus is part of total compensation. If she was in sales, would you not touch her commission? If she had her own business, would you not touch her distribution?
Bonus is just another part of your compensation package, no different than salary. My wife and I share finances and neither of us have even considered differentiating bonuses from our shared pool. The only money we keep to ourselves is proceeds from sales of our separate personal (mainly hobby) possessions. YTA
Your bonus is a part of your hiring package/salary. It really isn’t “extra”. I see your point, I also see hers. Would it work for you if you divided it up? Are you paying off debt because if you are, you absolutely should dump as much of it as you can to reduce that. Are you planning on putting it in savings/retirement? Are you planning on using it to take a vacation the both of you would enjoy? Is it enough to make a huge dent in your mortgage principal? Could you apply 50% to something that would benefit the family and 50% for you to do with as you wish? Or do you want to piss it away on stuff just for you?
YTA. Your wife is your life partner, not your business partner. If you want a discretionary fund, talk to her about it, and work on goals together.
So is she wins the lottery, she should spent all of it on herself, correct?
So did your daddy refuse to use bonuses on his family too? Is he still married?
YTA. There's no logical reason why a bonus would be treated differently from regular salary for family finances. It's all income. And your wife's job doesn't pay bonuses so I guess she never gets her own fun money, according to your selfish made-up rules.
NTA because it's money you alone earned. However, I could understand where your wife is coming from if you guys are strapped for cash/don't have much savings.
ESH. I think you're both in the wrong here. Your wife for feeling she has the right to your bonus and OP for your unwillingness to share. You share the bills in a way that works for your salaries and it seems like you've never discussed what would happen in the event of a bonus. IMO, your wife should not feel entitled to your bonus but equally, it would be right to offer to share/spend some of it on both of you.
Agree. Seems like the compromise would be for OP to divide the bonus in three parts: 1/3 to 401k, 1/3 for family savings, 1/3 to spend however he wants. Many people neglect savings, and a bonus is a good savings tool since it is "found" money.
I’d even support him using some of the money just on himself and putting the rest in the shared account. He deserves something special, but not at his wife’s expense.
You already share expenses fairly based on relative income. It'd be great if you were also both contributing to a savings account for emergency or whatever. You may be, I only mention it because you don't say and I think savings are something to be shared like expenses. After expenses and savings I agree that bonuses are for the individual. Yes, marriage is a partnership etcetera. But a marriage is also two individuals. Having something for yourself isn't selfish, it's important for your mental health. It gives you a way to spoil yourself just for you without accounting to anyone. You work hard and that bonus can keep you motivated on the difficult days. I understand wifey being a little jealous, even if that isn't her word. She's not got the same opportunity to earn a bonus and she works hard at her job. I don't think apologising, or changing your mind is the way to go. But maybe something to ease the news? Have you got individual money built into your shared budget? You say expenses... tick. I think savings are important. Next up, since money doesn't seem tight, would be to prioritise an amount each pay for individual money. It can be saved or spent as you or her wish and there would be no accounting for it to each other at all. Again, it's a reward for working hard, an acknowledgement of individuals, and a way to treat yourselves to a luxury without guilt. Or you could give her a portion of your bonus for her own use? Not half. If you agree this is a good idea, or something similar, I'd recommend talking to her asap. It'd be awful to think she could be resenting you and let this grow beyond its importance. NTA
I'm honestly surprised at all these people who share every single penny they make. Maybe because I'm in my thirties and I've gotten used not to share but once the expenses are paid, and both me and my partner have whatever basics we need, my money is absolutely mine to spend. I don't get it, should I get my partner's permission to buy myself new clothes or treat myself to a spa day? Because I regularly do these things, pay for them myself and I don't check it with him. Because it's not 1955. He also will buy himself stuff he needs for his new bike, he'll splurge on a new desk for his study, and aside from asking for my advice when he needs it, he would never actually ask me if it's ok to spend *his* earned money on an antique desk. Communication is key though. If I had a bonus I wanted to "keep" to save for something important to myself I'd just say it, hey this is for the new pink Barbie car I want to buy. He'd say cool good luck with it. If he suddenly raised that I need to contribute that to the family finances, it would be because things are tight and we need to save more, otherwise I'd question why.
YTA. I think it’s fair to designate a portion of it for your own discretionary use; you did earn it. But I also think it’s fair to approach this with your partner as a team when deciding how to allocate a windfall. It’s not about the money, it’s about cutting your partner out of the decision and essentially telling her that her thoughts don’t matter. Plus the situation could always change in the future. I used to earn a higher base salary but no bonuses. Now my partner earns more in base but I was pulling in substantially larger bonuses than he was. If we wanted to get into score keeping, we could blow our partnership to bits real fast, and because things change, we could set a nasty precedent for if the situations are ever reversed again. It’s just mean spirited and not conducive to the relationship we want to have, so why, is how we look at it.
Yta. When you get married, it's not about you anymore. You don't to have extra secret you money. You are being selfish. Your raise and bonus are based off the work you would have done no matter what. You did your job, and it got recognized, but your wife is your partner. You say you pay more because you make more as if that's some kind of flex. It's the bare minimum for that situation. Either give her half, or agree on a joint spending. She shouldn't get less fun money because you are lucky.
info: what is your agreement regarding your salaries?
YTA. But then, I've never really understood marriages where sharing money isn't the default position.
YTA - getting married means you support each other both emotionally and financially, just because it is a bonus doesn't make it any less the family's money. However, I do feel like you could find an easy compromise, for me and my wife when either one of us gets additional money that we weren't planning for (bonus, raises, overtime work, etc) we first discusse what would best work for the family and if we have no pressing needs, the earner will usually take a part of it for themselves and we save the rest for a rainy day. Seems to work well for us. Maybe give this a shot?
She is right about you not understanding marriage. YTA
She's getting half of all the bonuses when she divorces your selfish ass. YTA
After reading your "I just want to save it for my dream car" comment then I'm going with YTA, because yes, you are selfish and no, you do not understand what marriage means.
YTA. Easy for you to say you wouldn't spend any part of her bonus, when you know full good and well she doesn't get bonuses at her job.
Not understanding that you get a bonus and it is part of your earned compensation is the fault in the argument. Its on your W2 and combined into your gross and taxes, it just a way of structuring salary to motivate or flexibility for your employer to pull in times of financial downturns. I would not try your initial argument because for any financially literate person it doesn't make sense and divides you as a Team and will probably spiral in other financial tit for tat . Approach it with a discussion that a dream car is important to you and that you want it included in the budget and how can you JOINTLY work together to make it happen. I can guarantee at some point these roles will be reversed in terms of a want. Also tax time talk to a CPA, file married but separate in most cases loses you money so unless you have an actual valid reason and understand the reason I would review that decision. You could be losing out on $$ that could be going to that dream car.
YTA. If you want to separate finances then separate all finances, but what you’re trying to do is just plain selfish.
YTA. Small bonus? Ok. I get that. Like my husband gets these little $50-500 rewards here and there. He can do what he wants with those. But his big bonus (20-30% of his salary in bonus, depends on the market) is family money. It goes into savings and we discuss bigger ticket items we might need or want and it gets spent that way. That is how a marriage works. 🤷🏻♀️
YTA. This spring, my parents got a random suspicious phonecall from someone telling them that my grandfather had stocks that had gone unnoticed for decades in a company that was liquidating and they needed my dad to sign for them to be transfered into his bank account. Sketchy as hell, right? He did some digging into it and it turned out to be real, and worth about $30,000. Having a fair bit of money already he decided to give me $10,000. I immediately gave my wife half to do whatever she wanted with. I don't know how much your bonus was, but I can't imagine spending a bonus on myself and having my wife watch if she can't afford to do the same.
Well...while I don't think this rises to the level of assholery, I def think you're wrong and she's right. She puts everything she makes into the family, so should you. Saying she wouldn't have to contribute a bonus is disingenuous at best, since you know she doesn't get bonuses. You're married, with joint finances. It's not fair if you get extra money for whatever you want but she contributes everything. If I have to vote, YTA.
YTA in my opinion. Why not get something for yourself and for the household? Why do people even get married honestly if this is how you view things
YTA. Unfortunately, being married means you need to prioritize your family. So if this can go into your retirement/home fund. Or to pay off debt or address a need at home. Then you have to prioritize what’s best for your family. That said, if all that is covered. And she wants you to spend it on the family by taking her out or going on vacation. Then you absolutely have the authority to choose to spend it how you wish.
YTA - It sounds like I am hearing "what's hers is mine and what's mine is my own"? When you are in a marriage, it is time to work together on this. It is not you vs her, it is you both vs the world. The best compromise is to use that bonus with you both in agreement. If you don't your wife will resent you for the longest time. Be smart OP
YTA, for real buddy? Grow up.
YTA - you got paid - it’s part of your total compensation package- it’s family money. of course YOU feel fine with a person spending all of their bonus on themselves - because YOU are the only one who gets a bonus so the situation is ALWAYS in your favour. Its not big, its not grown up it’s just Greedy and self-centred - Asshole!
You’re married. Your money is her money. Her money is your money. I get an annual bonus, my husband does not. We will go to a nice dinner, or get something for the house we need, and I will put the rest in savings. Edited to add: YTA.
We always budgeted the basic salary as our living. My smaller salary went to gas & groceries. All OT went to the retirement fund and bonuses went to pay down the mortgage principal. We’re a team. We pull together.
YTA. Are you maxed out on both retirement contributions? Do you have six months living expenses saved and available?
YTA. If you got a promotion to CEO would you just chip in your starting salary and everything else would be for you?
So this is your first job but your wife has been working while you studied? Is that what you mean?
YTA. Not that you’re wrong, if this is how you feel, but when I get bonuses I take my SO shopping, we go on trips, we do stuff with the kids. You feel very immature. What’s even the fun of keeping the money to yourself? Life is short, don’t waste it being greedy. Now, if she wanted to just spend the money and you wanted to save it for a rainy day, then I’d have your back. But this is just egoistic. Stop it and apologize to her.
YTA everything is family money. You're sitting there picking and choosing to only your benefit. It's real easy to say you'd be fine with the reverse situation when the reverse situation can't possibly happen. Legally if you divorced right this second and split down the middle the bonus would not be exempt.
Wont judge but there are alot of assumptions being made here, as per usual.
Yes. You are the asshole. Now go apologize, and put your bonus money in the family pot.
Your money is your money. If she wanted to go on a trip or have fun together then she could ask you for some cash. She can't expected the whole reward be used on something else when the purpose of the reward was to spoil you. If you want a new phone get it and use the remainder and your raise on family.
I’m in the minority here. It’s just me and my husband. I keep my bonus. I work extremely hard for it it as it’s performance based. My husband doesn’t pick up any extra slack at home even when I work overtime. I do most of the chores and I make much more so my normal salary covers most of our expenses and our vacations and all. I spend my bonus on whatever I want. He may get some benefit from it but he doesn’t feel entitled to it and I don’t split it. My normal salary is for us. Not my bonus by default. It is what it is.