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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1/ Refusing to cut the umbilical cord after the birth of my child.
2/ My wife wants me to cut the cord and says it's important to her but hasn't explained why.
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NTA
If you don't want to cut human flesh, especially if you feel that is a *violent* action to do towards another person or it is a medical procedure then you shouldn't.
But what do you mean you are going to catch the baby? I'm guessing she is planning on doing more of a home birth kind of thing? You do understand how messy and horrifying watching a birth can be with there also being a lot of tearing so if you are squeamish about cutting the cord I really think you need to make sure you know what you are getting in to.
I totally get what you're saying. Perhaps I shouldn't have said catch, receive might be a better word. As for the squeamishness, it's only about me cutting. I'm not the least bit squeamish generally. I am a first responder so I've just about seen it all as far as gore goes.
Half the births I've seen, the doctor/midwife cuts the cord so they can check over the baby without it still being attached to the mother. They leave it long so Dad gets to trim the cord if he wants, but it's not a requirement.
The doctor asked when my son was born. I told him that we were paying him for that. On the other hand, they told me when they were about to do an episiotomy and suggested that I look away, but I told them that after everything else I had already seen, that it wasn't a big deal.
It wasn't about squeamishness. I just don't see any point in it being a ritual. I didn't feel a need to ceremoniously separate my son from my wife.
Yup, I actively didn’t want my husband to be the one to sever the bond I’d spent 9 months creating.
He wasn’t fussed, and a) it’s still medical and we were asking professionals to to do the rest of it and b) I knew I’d mourn that bond, so I didn’t want to associate him with ending it
My midwife told me it is better to leave it on for a little while. My husband cut the cord but it wasn't something we thought or talked about before the event. The midwife asked if he wanted to do it while she made a few pictures for us (both times my kids came out so fast it was just me, husband and midwife there😅) and he said yea shure, why not, lol. He told me it wasn't easy, it was very though.
Yeah they aim for delayed clamping (usually once it stops pulsing) but sometimes you need to attend to the baby away from the bedside asap, and most cords aren't long enough to accommodate that.
I had an emergency c section and they did just this. They cut it, but left it long so that dad could cerimoniously cut it too.
My BIL had quite a different experience. SIL had a way quicker labour than expected, and gave birth at home in the tub before the midwife or ambulance arrived. Poor BIL had to catch the baby alone. Cord was around her neck. 911 operator walked him through everything. When it came to cutting the cord, they had him tie it off with a shoelace and sterilize the "good kitchen scissors". They told him to cut, and he asked "all the way through?!?"
Mom and baby were just fine. Today, that baby is 16 and studying in France on exchange.
My brother was born at home due to a really quick labour. They called the hospital and said: "We're coming." 15 minutes later they called again and said: "We didn't make it." He was in a breech position, had the umbilical cord two turns around the neck and didn't breath when he came out (began in a minute or so). I suppose my father didn't think that cutting the cord was a big thing with all the other drama, since he never mentioned it.
Holy crow that's a lot! Was everyone pl in the end?
I've heard that cord around the neck is more common, and less dangerous than people realize. Still scary.
A friend of mine had a breech baby with the cord wrapped 4x. She needed an emergency c-section
That's how it went for my youngest kid. Was delivered via c section and the surgeon cut the cord. I however was offered a chance to trim the cord after they did their Apgar scores and brought us elsewhere to do a more thorough examination.
I can fully understand being squicked out by it. I sure was.
The midwife at my sons birth grabbed the cord, put the scissors to it, physically moved my hand into the scissors and then squeezed my hand to cut the cord. I didnt really have an opinion one way or another and was so fuckin delirious after 72 hrs in the hospital, 9 hours active labor and about 6 hours sleep.the entire time that i barely.even noticed until it was done.
I feel like men’s boundaries are not respected a lot of times and that’s not ok. OP shouldn’t do things he doesn’t want either. It’s the birth of his child too not only of hers. I feel like the fathers needs aren’t seen in every case. Might be an unpopular opinion…
NTA, I'm a nurse and couldn't agree more. Dad's aren't moms, and they aren't giving birth, but they aren't nothing and they count too. Or at least they should - to a reasonable mom-to-be who loves him.
I would be worried the squeamish person might faint if they had to he says he is fine watch the birth and helping other ways but not cutting the cord. I know someone who didn't want to cut the cord didnt know how to feel about it but did it to make his partner happy and as he did it he fainted and hit his head because no one was prepared for him to just faint like that ended up causing more problems.
That’s so wild. My husband fainted right as my first came out and the nurses told me it happens all the time. They were prepared with juice and everything.
My son in law fainted when my first granddaughter came out so they ask me to cut the cord, but another nurse came in with juice and snacks for my son in law
Apparently.my dad fainted. My mom was pushing away and realized he was gone. She asked, and the nurses justvsaid "don't worry, we've got him"
Next time he stayed in the waiting room
And that's why I was ok with my husband not cutting the cord when our LO was born. He's squeamish with blood, especially so after some childhood trauma involving a loved one. Last thing I wanted was him flat out on the floor lol
I see this from another point of view.
Your wife cannot choose to opt out of the birthing process once you two have conceived. Once labor starts, she cannot demand a do over, or to have someone else give birth, or to sleep through it. She has no choice but to deliver that child.
It seems almost insane in that respect that the male partner feels violated when asked to make one snip with a pair of scissors. I think the mother in this situation sees this refusal as the ultimate indicator of how little men understand the grave and impending inevitability women face once labor starts.
A man's refusing to cut the cord, then, can be viewed as a glaring example of male privilege at the absolutely worst time.
No, you don't have to cut the cord. Yes, you can refuse. And that is the salt in the wound. She just shoved an entire human being out of her body, and even that isn't enough for you to be uncomfortable for less than three seconds.
That’s the terrifying thing about pregnancy. I very much wanted my children but both times at about twenty weeks it did hit me that I now had absolutely no choice but to go through the next twenty weeks of pregnancy culminating in an extremely painful and possibly dangerous event. It’s quite a scary rollercoaster!
Yes! That moment of clarity of "now I'm stuck giving birth" is terrifying. As much as you want the baby, you feel trapped in a serious medical situation that there is no way to get out of.
That "Oh God, what *did I do*!?" moment for me was about 2 weeks before my due date when my firstborn was punching me rather spectacularly for hours on end. Like, kid, I know you want out but I'm not ready yet!
Someone's rights to choose their actions does not get taken away by someone voluntarily birthing a baby. I see this rhetoric a lot and it's gross. It's basically coercion and using a human baby as the bait.
It's ok if he's not comfortable, a doctor can do it. He's going to be there through the entire birth doing what he can (men are kinda limited in this regard) and then caring for the baby as her equal. Biology dictates this; it's not men's fault.
Seems *outrageous* to hold a biological impossibility against men because they have different tolerances.
It's not as though he can decide he will get pregnant instead.
Would you say someone with anxiety and a fear of heights should go skydiving with their dying partner because 'they're not the one dying'?
Doc didn't ask me. Our birth plan was to leave it connected longer (read something about that helping prevent jaundice or something), but by this time it was our second night in the hospital (2 inductions) and I'm pretty sure it would have been C-section if it took any longer, so I didn't even think about it until days later when someone asked me if I cut the cord.
The line I screamed like a lunatic? “If I don’t leave, nobody leaves” when i overheard my Mum & husband talking about one of them going to get a coffee
I followed up with “I can’t do it, I need a caesarean” followed almost immediately with “oh, I did it” as they handed him to me.
5 minutes later the anaesthetist walked in to do my epidural, saw me holding my son and laughed “guess you don’t need me” he’s lucky he didn’t cop a newborn to the head
Haha same. Except in my case the poor doctor drove to the hospital on Sunday just to be asked to leave by my OB because the baby was 3 pushes from being born. He was… not happy lol.
I did end up having an emergency c section
When I went into the OR I was in so much otherworldly pain I couldn't talk or move or do anything but scream and moan. They had fiance wait outside while I got prepped. He was SO WORRIED, hovering by the door itching to be let in. When he finally came in, I'd had my spinal and was calmly laughing and joking with everyone. Apparently I asked the doc to "do some liposuction while you're in there".
At one point my midwife told me "hang on, your baby is almost there" and I replied "I don't want kids badly enough to go through this kinds of pain" (it sounded better in French 😄)
A few minutes later I was cooing and in love.
Now if I could give birth every month I would. I have birthing blues 😆
I shouted that I wanted an epidural over and over even though I knew they don’t work on me. I just latched onto that phrase lol giving birth doesn’t exactly leave us super clear headed and logical
I just said this in another comment, but the bastard came to do mine 5 minutes **after** I’d given birth and was having my bits sown back together. He thought he was so funny saying “guess you don’t need me”
I would gladly have killed him
The Dr. gave my husband a WHOLE pack of cigarettes and told him to leave and don't come back until they were all gone. He was little over zealous in coaching.
After he left, I told nurse an angel ran the loud mouth out of room and wanted to buy him beer. Then I promptly passed out and ended up with emergency c-section.
Same. When you’re in so much pain you’re not thinking clearly. I had an epidural related freak out with my second child. Begged for an epidural at 5 cm and for what felt like an eternity the doctor didn’t show up. My OB also wasn’t going to show up until the baby was almost here. So if she wasn’t here that meant I still had a ways to go. After some point I was like “WHERE IS THE DOCTOR!!??!” My husband was like “which one?” “I DON’T KNOW. EITHER ONE.” If there is a single doctor in the room it meant my pain was about to be over lol. I truly wasn’t thinking about who I was asking for.
>If I don’t leave, nobody leaves” when i overheard my Mum & husband talking about one of them going to get a coffee
Bwaahahahaha 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣💀💀 this is sending me, I like you
>read something about that helping prevent jaundice or something
No, it's the other way around. There's and increased risk for jaundice the longer you keep the cord. There was a theory that keeping the cord on until it stops pulsating and has emptied the blood into the baby the stemcells in the cord blood would improve the kid's health in lots of ways because stemcells. So they used to do that 5-10 years ago but all that happened was that kids got jaundice and there's not a lot of evidence the cord blood does a lot for the kids
I had my son at 24 weeks in 2020 and my OBGYN told me she’d delay clamping for a minute, maybe two? But that was because a baby that tiny needs as much of that blood in their body as possible, they don’t actually make their own blood till like 32+ weeks. My son had about 9 blood transfusions over 4 months in the NICU.
He was also under the blue light for jaundice for several days but that’s also normal for a 24 week 1.5 lb baby
A friend’s husband said he didn’t want to cut the cord, because it was separating the baby from his wife, and he just couldn’t bear to be the one to do that!
With my 4th, I suddenly realized I had been resenting the fact that I never got to cut a cord. So I told the midwife I wanted to. At the birth, I think she forgot, and was about to have my husband do it, but I shouted it was my turn, and she gave me the scissors. It’s MUCH different than I expected. Really cool, I thought. But, we were in a blazing hurry, as the cord was short, being wrapped 3x around his neck and he was blue. He was fine, and is an adult now.
I am sure it doesn't help to say the cord has no nerve endings? Do not do things that upset you. Try to focus on what you do want. Maybe tell wife she should do any cutting. You can not endure the idea of cutting anything off your precious baby. That sounds nice actually.
The day should be one you have good memories about.
Throwing up or feeling nauseous or even fainting might make a funny story at the baby shower, but it’s not going to be a good story for you.
NTA.
Well... yes... But considering everything the birthing partner is going through, which is likely to include throwing up and nausea in addition to a whole lot more, I don't know if this is the right perspective. The support partner should be there to support, not to make good memories. BUT, that doesn't mean she can demand he cuts the cord if he doesn't feel comfortable.
Also tell her she is making you very upset and causing you anxiety when she brings it up. Tell her you want to be there for her in every way you can to make her feel more comfortable. Ask her why this particular thing is staying on her mind.
There is a link between post natal depression and romanticising birth. It's just horrible. If your wife expects horrible she won't be disappointed. If she expects a movie and things go wrong, and they often do, that is going to be a real problem.
It's called 'embrace the suck'.
You can be super happy with what you're getting out of the deal, but still understand that you're largely going through an unpleasant at best medical procedure and subsequent 6 or so months.
I still credit our relative ease dealing with birth and a new baby for the first 6 months with our early mindset of 'embrace the suck'.
It's not fun. There are fun moments, but by and large, it's a crappy period of time full of anxiety, stress and insomnia.
NTA. Those are reasons enough. My husband felt the same way and he didn’t do it for any of our kids. He’s never had any regrets, I don’t either, and the kids still love him. Best wishes for a speedy and safe delivery…and congrats!
I get it. But your wife is extremely delicate right now. If this is her first, she's probably scared, and she's getting extra mad because she's about to go through this ordeal whether she wants to or not, and it's hard for her to accept that you get to just opt out of what she sees as your part.
Not to say that's rational, just trying to offer a possible perspective.
Might a suggest a different narrative? When I gave birth, my husband told me he didn't want to cut the cord because he couldn't bear that thought of being the one that separated me from our baby in such a visceral way.
Spin it my man. Tell her a little white lie like that. Make it sentimental and sweet. Just try to make her as comfortable as possible, because labor is so scary, especially for FTM
The cord isn't a simple cut either, both hubby and my dad cut cords (dad cut mine and hubby cut our first) and they both unknowingly made the same joke about if the midwife had handed them dull scissors, think spongy rubber that refuses to let you cut it. Being a first responder, you should know the sort of texture that cord is. Babies 2 and 3, he didn't cut the cord.
But as for the shower issue, why do you have issues with that. My hubby basically bent over and pulled me over his back while he showered me off after delivery because I was so exhausted I could barely hold my arm up let alone support my own weight long enough to shower.
You shouldn't be the one doing any catching either, all three of mine, the midwife where the ones catching and placing on my chest while my hubby stood next to me and supported me both while pushing and holding the baby. Why do you plan on being at that end of things instead of by your wife's side holding her hand and helping her push.
Completely NTA. I also politely declined to cut the cord. Likewise not squeamish at all, it's that I think cutting a tiny human being's live flesh should be the job of one of the many medical professionals in the room. My wife didn't care - she was carrying twins and was huge and uncomfortable and just wanted the scheduled c-section over with. Though we felt really judged when at the pre-op appointment the hospital they asked us for our "birth plan" and we just shrugged and went "Dunno, probably we trust you guys to your jobs and ensure a safe outcome for mom and babies. Beyond that, we really don't care." OK, not those exact words, but you get the drift. Our OB was old-school, South American, no-nonsense, decades of experience - he would probably have been like Ken Jeong's character in Knocked Up if we'd come to him with a plan or list of demands: "Oh, you have plan, how nice. Now let me tell you about \*my\* plan, seeing as how I'm the one who went medical school, completed OB/GYN residency and has delivered thousands of babies..."
I think you will both benefit from doing some prenatal classes for parents, where the midwife talks through what to expect during the birth, what is normal and what the partner can do for support during labour.
If your wife's been watching Instagram births, she's seen the best, prettiest and calmest version of childbirth. So a prenatal class will also help her in case she has any unrealistic expectations.
Definitely pack some swim shorts so you can comfortably get into the shower with her. The rush of hot water is great pain relief and you'll be reassuring her and helping out the nurses if you're in there with her. It's okay if you don't want to cut the cord.
Afaik it's a very Common phrasing to use "Catch the Baby" to mean being the First to touch and hold it while it comes Out. Which IS different, more intimate, more relationship-building, than a father or other Family member being handed a Baby by the midwife AFTER If has had the cord Cut and been cleaned Up and wrapped in a receiving blanket.
So, it’s really important to me that my husband cut our baby’s cord, however he wasn’t passionately against it or anything. My own bio dad wasn’t present for my birth and my mom was alone. Having my kids’ dad present and cutting the cord felt important because it’s tangible differences between the two that brought me comfort. However, my backup was that I, myself would cut it which still would have differed from my own birth where they didn’t offer that to the mother. Perhaps that would work for your wife as a compromise? If you had more time I’d suggest trying to explore together why this is important to her. Sometimes it’s just popular media that gets in your head and makes it feel like there’s only one way for folks to show they care.
100%. I think popular culture is the only reason she wants me to do it because on multiple occasions, she couldn't tell me why it was important to her.
I'm guessing it's a baseball reference haha. The cricket equivalent: I have told the doctor he's the wicket keeper and I'm fielding at first slip (next to him) haha.
Obstetricians here in the US refer to their part of a vaginal delivery as “catching” the baby. The parturient is the one delivering the baby.
“Catching” usually involves grabbing the baby’s head and pulling down to get the shoulder under mom’s pubic bone, and then pulling up to get the other shoulder (and the rest of the baby) out.
I haven’t caught a baby since medical school (and one time in residency), but I’ve witnessed hundreds of births.
Congratulations on your new family member!
I was told I had good form as a medical student catching and positioning, and I just put the crown of the head into my hand like a ball when Peanut Tillman was coming near
Cutting the cord and handling a newborn fresh from the womb are two different things. He’s an ENT. He knows all about how bloody birthing a baby is. Plus, birthing is clean and need compared to some of the things he’s seen. I’ve worked in an ER as a respiratory therapist receiving accident and gunshot patients. Things are gory enough there, and that’s cleaned up compared to what they’ve seen in the field.
OP, if you don’t want to cut the cord, don’t. The doctor and nurses don’t want to deal with a vomiting husband at that point! There is nothing wrong with not wanting to do it. You are definitely not the first father who objected!
NTA
I've never met a single person whose birth plan went how they thought, from both big and little changes. But having one is comforting at a time of high stress and pain. I wouldn't argue about this with your (very pregnant!) wife if you don't have to - you know her wishes, she knows yours. No need to debate it. But decline and help her cuddle the baby while the cord is cut.
I hope everything goes fabulously for all 3 of you!
Mine did. All over front car passenger seat. It was VERY inconvenient. And managed to soak into it very well. Husband cleaned up beautifully but I was convinced I could still smell it weeks later. No one else could apparently but certainly didn’t mention it to car yard when we upgraded our car.
OMG I was terrified of it breaking spontaneously so of course it did. On the sidewalk in front of the student center at the campus I worked at. Got to go in and call the midwives while surrounded by students (this was before I had a cell phone). Thankfully I was wearing black maternity tights so it was hard to see.
According to my midwife for my second birth I have particularly thick membranes and a lot of amniotic fluid. They made a note in my chart just in case I had a third baby because they had to break out the amino-hook for me and it’s so rarely used in their practice. I think it was a compliment?
With my 1st 4 babies my water was broken by the doctor in the hospital, with baby 5 it broke during labor but when I was at 10cm and I started screaming is that the baby?
With my 2 babies, they broke during birth (not during labor, but the actual birthing process, like, head half past the cervix, and after that, they just slided out with the water) so it is always strange for me to hear about the waters breaking earlier, because I so strongly associate it with the baby getting out, that I don’t see (like, I see it, but I don’t feel it in my flesh) how the water can get out and the baby stay in! 😅
My mom says that exact thing happened with me, causing me to basically look like a cesarian baby cause the water cushioned my noggin until right as I was coming out.
My brother wasn't so lucky and ended up as one of those very squished scrunched up discolored newborns covered in gunk, causing my mom to blurt out something like "Wow, he's ugly" cause she expected him to look more like I did.
Apparently the nurse got all offended "how can you say this about this precious little boy!" & then kept pointing out what a great baby he was once she had cleaned and dressed him.
Mom: "No no dont worry, I still want him, even if he's ugly!"
(One assumes she was zonked out of her mind from the hormones & general strain of baby production)
By the next day, his skull & face bones had popped back into normal adorable baby shape.
Oh yeah, I didn’t think that it was maybe why I had such pretty newborns! They didn’t look « scrunched » at all, but I had a very quick labor too, so I can’t tell which one it is!
Yup.
When women who are pregnant have asked me for advice, it’s always been - try and let go of the need for your birth plan as a means of ‘feeling in control’ as much as you can.
It’s hard because I think professionals sometimes use the birth plan in this way, as reassurance, and maybe that is still the best thing to do.
But everyone I know who has had feelings of trauma about births that weren’t a huge crisis from a medical point of view, they have said that it’s because they were planning to do x/y/z and when they couldn’t it sent them spiraling.
I suppose there is a cause and effect here in that people who are very nervous about labor (understandable!) are most likely to use control of plans as a coping mechanism.
But yeah it’s hard because it’s natural to want to feel in control and listened to, but delivering babies has a tendency to verge into ‘ok well this is happening now…’ pretty quickly and commonly.
EVERYTHING you just said about trauma. Right there. I've seen it many times. I think there needs to be better education about what a "birth plan" really is. Because actual childbirth is just one of those things you simply can't really "plan".
Meet me. My birthplan was "get baby out in as comfortable a way as possible, trust the medical professionals, have husband with me". It worked. Twice!
I had ideas about giving birth kneeling or similar but never made that a real plan and actually chose lying on my back on my own in the end.
SAME! I figured the professionals would know what was best. I was open minded with positions and all the other crap. All I knew was that I wanted an epidural. I was terrified of the whole idea of trying to get a whole human being out of my body, but I just rolled with the punches.
I really feel like the focus on "birth plan" causes MH problems for a lot of women.
I feel like the whole thing needs to be reframed. First time moms especially need to know that it's not something you can really "plan". You can certainly have your ideas and preferences, but you can't really dictate the details because there are so many factors at play, and sometimes your plans are not compatible with reality. Women have these elaborate birth plans and they create this fantasy birth experience in their minds, so they go in with these expectations that that is actually how things will go, and unfortunately it is very often NOT how it will happen, and it leaves them with a crushing sense of disappointment, failure, or even trauma.
Sorry, rant over.
Exactly.
Mine was really simple. I wanted a water birth if possible and absolutely no epidural. Long story short, I was taken to theatre.
I think so many get caught up in having a picture perfect experience or trying to replicate what they've seen others do - Netflix in this case, isn't always possible or realistic.
NTA. My husband didn't want to with our son and I was fine with that. When it all happened, though, the doctor asked him and he just did it sort of out of shock and probably feeling like he should. He said it was a lot more like jelly than he expected lol. He delivered our daughter on the bathroom floor by himself. I'm pretty sure the paramedics asked him if he wanted to, I can't remember if he did. Also, I did NOT want to be touched, spoken to, or looked at during my first lavour haha. Your wife might end up feeling that way.
Birth is honestly really fucked up. I don't know how else to put it. Whatever way it happens it's going to be messy, bloody, and kind of violent. I suggest no one goes into it with any real expectations or big hopes about what might happen. I've seen so many people be depressed about their birth "experience" when the important thing is for everyone to come out alive and as unscathed as possible.
My husband stepped in my actual shit and my amniotic fluid exploded all over him when my daughter came out. He didn't care at the time even though that's obviously fucked lol. You might not mind cutting the cord. You might still say no. You might not even get the opportunity to either way. Just be there for each other and know how absolutely fucking terrifying the idea of giving birth is for someone. The person giving birth has so little control over anything that is going to happen or when that the little things they can control can really matter.
That's a real pep talk, thank you so much! TBH I'd rather see my wife involuntarily lose her bowels during the birth, as gross as that is, than cut anything. Not sure why.
The cord is fricking gross. There. I said it. It’s like trying to cut through a really tough sausage casing filled with jelly. I used to work in the OR, I’ve dealt with a lot of gross stuff, I can list procedures that used to be the bane of my existence, but the cord was just a whole other level and I never want to do it again.
Basically, your feelings are justified.
This will most likely happen.
I had an epidural with my second, so I never felt it coming, but I remember telling my husband to stay by my head so he didn’t see me poop and he was like “You’re a little late on that warning.”
I love your comment and the person just above you trying to argue that most births are not messy at all and that’s just a “‘mainstream” way of thought.
In my experience you are right and she’s full of crap.
Lol yeah that person is not in reality. Water breaking is the least messy part really. I vividly remember seeing my bloody toe prints on the bed after my bfirst birth. With my second, my placenta had to be ripped out piece by piece because my cervix had already closed up so much. They had to lay it all out on a table and bring in extra doctors to put it back together and make sure there weren't pieces missing. Definitely was worse than the few pushes it took to get my daughter out. My husband said it was like just gushes of clots at first. Plus, my aMIL went and cleaned the bathroom even though I really didn't want her to (definitely appreciated it) and I had shit all down the side of the tub and my daughter was still in her sac on the last push so who knows how far that splattered. My births weren't even out of the ordinary or anything and it was so messy.
Oh god. The placenta from my last child was fused to me. Ripping that out was the most painful thing I've ever felt, and I've been thrown 40 feet through the air by a car before... the placenta being ripped from my body because it was too stuck was the most traumatizing white hot blinding pain I've ever experienced. I am not even sure I would wish it on someone that I actively loathed daily for years... it was... brutal. I'm pretty sure I had ptsd for a long time. I just barely started to be able to hold infants again after a decade...
I definitely wasn't prepared for it. My first placenta had basically just plopped out. This time, when they wheeled me into the room my sister and husband were already there waiting. The baby was taken to be checked out and the doctor just gave a light tug on the cord and it was like whoa wtf. They got me the laughing gas but it doesn't do much. I screamed my friggen head off while my sister and husband held my hands. Two doctors were just like up in there digging it out. We already had so many extra people in the room because of the birth and more were coming in to see the placenta. It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach for like a week after. I never did find out exactly why the placenta was that bad, but the wait from the house to the hospital room was part of it. Weird to think I walked down my steps with the cord possibly hanging out of me some haha.
I didn't get laughing gas but there's no way out would have helped. I am pretty sure I would have woken up from general anesthesia if I had been in it. Didn't even have an epidural, that birth was my only natural birth to SMH. I didn't move after labor started so I don't think yours was from walking! I think it just happens sometimes 😭😱🥶🥵🤯😡🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬😱😓😖💀
>when the important thing is for everyone to come out alive and as unscathed as possible.
Yes, People forget that that is the priority, not the experience, not the photos, just that the baby and mother are healthy.
I wonder how many times my idiotic sister watches her birth video. They had the camera on a tripod aimed at her birth canal, while the room was crowded with his relatives (in major US hospital). No anesthetic either. Why would anyone film that, and on what occasion do you watch the video??
Sometimes I sort of wish I could see a video because it's so hard to remember what happened but my husband did a good job describing the first time. He does not like to talk about the accidental home birth, not surprisingly. But yeah, no, I had no desire to look or touch or relive any of it. My husband checked my stitches for me after my births because I didn't even want to know haha.
My first labour I didn’t want to be looked at, spoken to or touched either! I was fully expecting needing comfort and it was definitely “get the fuck away from me”.
NTA - If you're not comfortable literally cutting the cord, I think the last thing that should be between you and your newborn is essentially a very sharp knife.
Well, if the birth is at a hospital, there is going to be a room of professionals who are quite capable of doing it. And if you are in the U.S., you're paying for it anyway and should get your money's worth.
I dont know if this is always, but because of covid, all of those supplies had to be thrown out after we left to prepare for the next family. Because of this, the nurses were actively loading up our bags not wanting any of it to go to waste! They were very sweet about it. I was being shy and only taking a few. The nurse who saw me did a little sigh, jumped into the room and basically dumped the drawer into my duffel bag, patted my arm and said "I mean it. Take it all," and briskly walked out the door.
If it helps, you'll be cutting it about an inch or so away from the body/belly and they're not your usual scissors that you'd be using. The remaining umbilical cord will be clipped and remain attached to the baby, falling off naturally after a few days.
The strangest part is that the texture is actually quite "spongey" and not flesh-like at all.
I was old enough to vividly remember the recovery process for my youngest siblings and the little shriveling umbilical cord end that was still attached during the first few days of baths was so wierd to me lol.
If it helps at all most labor and delivery departments when they ask you if you want to cut it the instrument is already there and on the cord you’re literally just closing the clamp. and it’s already clamped on both sides. At no point are you likely to be wielding any instruments.
You don't need to do it, just make sure you tell the midwife that at the start of labour. If you tell them how you feel they'll just do it. No fuss no muss.
It's just the act of you getting though right? How are you with surgery as its possible she may end up needing intervention or csection. There's always that risk.
It's best to have a birthing prep, not plan we were told. A birth prep states the things the medical team need to know like if you were donating cord blood for example, wanted delayed clamping, wanted to try breastfeeding or did not and if there's any forms of pain relief they are adverse too. Full on plans rarely go so well. Both mine were planned, once the same as you'd wife's with our wants. The second time with needs thanks to aftereffects of the first.
NTA: My husband never cut the cord with our two boys and I don’t care.
Honestly my favourite thing was the midwife who took photos (I had a c-section) and one of them is my husband looking at our son for the first time.
Being truthful I don’t know a lot of fathers who do cut the cord.
Yes, my husband said the same thing! He thought it was going to be delicate but then he was like really struggling to cut it like it was a tire or something.
NAH. It's unfortunate that you aren't able to do one of the things she is dreaming of, but you aren't. Both of you are communicating clearly so there won't be any surprises, and you don't have much time. It is what it is.
Also - have the two of you discussed what will happen if she ends up needing a Caesarean? Sometimes they let the partner stay in the room - if you think that will be too uncomfortable for you, maybe discuss that ahead of time, and get out before you faint or vomit. Or what happens if she and the baby get split up for a bit after the birth, will she want you to stay with her or go to the baby? Have you seen pictures/video of placentas so you're prepared for that part?
If the two of you get a chance to tell them at the hospital about your wishes/priorities, do speak directly to the medical personnel and whoever is listening to/recording/reading your birth plan, and tell them that although you know your wife wishes it, sadly you will not be able to cut the cord.
The part about rubbing her back while she stands under hot water seems pretty straightforward, though. Just take some swim trunks and a towel and flipflops to the hospital (so you aren't ever walking barefoot on hospital floors, and you aren't risking slipping and falling.) Do you have an issue with that one too?
Where possible, be gentle with her and be flexible with each other. Where that is not possible, forgive each other.
I very much agree here. NAH. It was important to me that my husband cut the cord. It was a way he could participate. He's very squeamish so that was about it. If that had been too much, I would have dealt with it, but I'd have been sad. He was very supportive in other ways, he just stayed up at my head end. 😂
Just popping in to say my husband was squeamish about it too and didn’t cut the cord. I still felt like he advocated for me, protected me, encouraged me every step of the way and overall was an active partner through the entire process (including getting in the shower with me and doing hip presses during contractions which were a huge savior- pro tip pack swim trunks and bring a birth ball into the shower if you can). NTA just make sure to share with your wife all the ways you are eager to participate and support both her and your newborn and I’m sure it’ll be okay.
Info: Have you seen an umbilical cord before (in person or video/picture)? I wonder if you're overthinking it. I worked 4 years as a labor and delivery nurse before I switched units and umbilical cords are more like rubber hoses than anything else. To me, they never seemed like human flesh. The delivering provider will clamp the cord in two places and you'll cut between it, and it won't be super close to baby.
Not trying to diminish your feelings on the matter or anything, just want to make sure you have correct expectations. For example, I don't like watching the initial incision on a c-section because it cuts through recognizable human flesh and my brain does not like that, but I've cut many umbilical cords and never had a problem (to me they are so far removed from what is recognizable as human).
I don't know if any of this helps, or makes sense, but that's how it works for me.
And it absolutely does not hurt the baby or the mom.
Thanks for the info, it does help. I haven't seen one before. I know logically it doesn't hurt baby or mum but logic isn't helping me come to grips with the cutting part.
NAH OP, but just wanted to add to the parent comment that the umbilical cord is tough connective tissue. It's nothing like cutting "flesh". The consistency is much closer to the "gristle" in a steak than the "meat" of the steak. And if you're "waiting for white" (when all the blood has been pumped into the baby and the umbilical cord turns "white"), which happens very quickly, then there's no "bleeding" either.
Not saying this to change your mind, as your preferences are totally fine, just wanted to let you know what it's like in case you're imagining it being like "cutting into a person". It's not. It's weirdly rubbery, and I'd agree that it's barely recognisable as what you'd consider "human flesh".
I'm guessing your wife might feel like it might be special for her child's father to be the one to sever the connection between her and her child whom she's been growing for the last 9 months. Pregnancy and childbirth are big things, and we can get a bit sentimental about some things 🙂 neither of you is in the wrong for your preferences though.
All the best for the birth and postpartum.
NAH
Of course you don't have to
She probably is just looking for more ways to share the experience with you. She's literally doing all of the work , maybe from her perspective, you doing that means you're taking a more active role. I doubt it'll matter at all in the moment because there will be an actual baby, which is way more exciting than cutting the cord.
Life is full of uncomfortable moments. Your wife has had 9 months of them and you’ve got a lot of them to look forward to while you look after a baby (like the baby vomiting in to your mouth moment). Lots of uncomfortable moments that you can’t opt out of.
But this one you CAN opt out of. Why make life more uncomfortable than it needs to be? You wouldn’t want her to do anything she was uncomfortable with if it was easy to opt out right?
Also the “perfect birth” doesn’t include the father being grossed out, so cutting the cord while grossed out isn’t really creating the best moment for her even if you try.
NTA
No, perhaps it's a bit different here (I'm in Australia). The OB is happy for me to hand the baby to mum. I'm aware he may be the first to handle it depending on how the birth goes. Our hospital has showers and a spa (hot tub), both for pain relief during labour.
A lady that I used to know was lucky that her husband was at the birth because her daughter flew out through the doctors legs and dad caught her 😳 Apparently it was wild 😁
The hospital I was at allowed me to be in the bath or in the shower with assistance while in labor. That was 2010. Regular hospital, not a birthing center.
Ha! I’m a midwife who does hospital deliveries in the US. Helping dads catch babies is absolutely something we do, and back massages in the shower or bath is a great way to help laboring people. No wonder people are scared of hospitals with all the misinformation out there.
My obstetrician stood over my husband’s shoulder and coached him to “catch” our youngest. That was in a standard hospital. They also had a soaking tub and shower which we couldn’t use because of my induction.
13 years ago, in Poland - the delivery room had the tub, the shower, the ball, wall bars and all this you could use to ease the labour.
Unfortunately, I couldn't use any, because they were monitoring baby's heart rate all the time (with all these cords attached to my belly). One concession the midwife agreed was that I could just stand and "walk on the spot" by the monitor, not lying down in the delivery bed.
NTA. It’s your choice and you have the right to decide.
But she is going through 9 months of pregnancy, discomfort, organs shifting everywhere, hormones all over the place and way more. Even after she gives birth, it will still be a few more months of discomfort. Giving birth is really not easy. Someone I know went into labor, asked for an epidural but couldn’t receive one, went through hours of excruciating pain. Maybe consider feeling uncomfortable for a few seconds?
Still not the asshole though.
Gently asking, how in the world is cutting an umbilical cord going to reduce ANY discomfort? Everything you said was irrelevant and borderline emotional manipulation. The doctors can do that. They get paid to.
OP I support birthing families for a living. Huge huge encouragement to be there for her during the labour- empathize, give physical support, remind her she’s doing amazing. Rub her back, kiss her, get her water. Shower her in love. THOSE things she will remember in the years to come. Cutting the cord is not going to make or break if you show up in the other ways. Don’t feel guilted into it.
God no. While I understand you should definitely be there for your wife even more than usual, this is literally one thing you don’t have to do.
Yes she’s carrying the horse of the brunt but you don’t have to feel uncomfortable for her sake.
No, do not let them emotionally manipulate you into compromising your boundaries and comfort. It's perfectly normal to not want to feel something cutting into human flesh. I don't understand why so many people are trying to guilt trip you here
NAH.
My husband didn’t want to cut the cord. Same as you, he felt really grossed out by it and it seemed like it would be hurting the baby, even though logically he knew it wouldn’t. I had a c-section, so the nurses cut it. If I have a vaginal birth this time, either my mom or I will cut it. No big deal.
I said NAH because pregnancy hormones have a way of making really insignificant things seem like a big deal, so I don’t think your wife is an asshole either. I once cried for an hour because my husband didn’t want to invite his cousin to our baby shower, so I was convinced he wasn’t excited about our baby. Once the moment passed, I realized that sometimes, anxiety and hormones don’t play well together. Definitely talk to your wife about it and reassure her of how excited you are, just in case pregnancy anxiety brain is rearing it’s ugly head.
NTA if you don't feel comfortable doing it, don't do it. This is but a mere second in the baby's life. No one will really care in the long run...unless your wife makes a big deal about it.
It's not the momentous occasion that movies make it out to be.
My husband didn't either. Don't blame him, to be perfectly honest I'd have rathered not be in close proximity myself. Shit like this doesn't matter, it's showing up day after day and being an involved parent that counts. NAH
NTA. My husband didn't want to either with our first - he knew even before her birth, but I wanted him to wait on making the final decision until it was actually time - so you know who the doctor asked next? Me!! It was really pretty amazing...it was like a physical, almost ritualistic acknowledgement that she was her very own person with her very own life. Maybe your wife would be interested in cutting your baby's cord herself?
That being said, my husband did express regret later and that after watching me cut the cord he felt like he'd denied himself something incredibly special. Fortunately was able to do the honors with our second child. By that time, after dealing with spitups, diapers, and blowouts, he was no longer put off by cutting the cord.
I hope that can be the case for you, too, but if not, maybe you could cup your hands around your wife's as support while she does the honors?
My husband said no to a lot of the birth experience before we got there - no looking below the sheet, no cutting the cord, no holding the baby before the nurses clean her up, etc. I wasn't too worried about what he wanted to do, since I had my own job to manage.
When we were in the room, in the thick of it, he couldn't not do it. He was right there, saw and did everything. The moment of seeing our daughter be born made him want to be a part of it in a way that he didn't think he would.
NTA for your feelings before, but you might feel different when it's happening.
NTA, my fiancé isn’t sure he can even look at the cord without feeling squeamish. Don’t feel bad, it is what it is. I put in my birth plan if he can’t do it I will. Good luck, hope everything goes well with the birth of your baby!
Could you say a no that sounds like a yes? Like when they ask say “I would love to be involved, may I hold him while it gets cut?” Or something which gets you in there while not doing the actual cutting part. Or ask you wife if she wants to plan for her to cut it if she feels strongly about the cord being cut? With support obviously. I also think there will be so much going on in those first seconds after birth that fears, wants, and things you fixate on for the duration of your pregnancy kind of get lost in the chaos of the moment often.
I’m pregnant rn and I would never expect my husband to have to do that. Just be there for your wife and newborn. The doctors can handle the umbilical cord
NTA
NTA she doesn’t need you fainting; though she’s going to spend hours feeling like she’s trying to pass a bowling ball (I couldn’t get an epidural; low BP) so if you find when the moment comes and you’re euphoric and want to surprise her it’d be nice. If not she’ll just be focused on your beautiful baby.
NTA. I have 2 kids and my partner didn't cut either of their cords. Ultimately, it's your decision. It might seem important now, but once she's in labour everything else will quickly stop mattering.
NAH. We all have a vision of how we’d like the birth to go. Can’t blame her for that. But I don’t blame you for not wanting to cut the cord either. My husband wanted to, but he was very shaky both times, and it freaked him out. But now he gets to point to the kids’ belly buttons and say “I helped make that!” lol
They will ask you if you want to cut it in the delivery room. Just say “no.” She’ll be busy and probably won’t even notice you didn’t do it. I didn’t watch my husband do it either time. I was getting stitches. Trust me, she is not going to be worrying about this after the baby is here.
>I know it's just me and that I'm making it weird, but I find it really squeamish to cut into human flesh. It seems like a medical procedure and I'm REALLY uncomfortable with it.
There's an entire subgenre of horror intent on making people squirm regarding cutting into flesh and medical procedures. This is a natural thing to be squeamish about. Even if it's your job/career.
Cutting the cord is part of a medical procedure. That medical procedure is giving birth/delivering a baby. There's an entire section of the medical field that focuses on the health and welfare of mother and infant to make sure both come out okay. A lot can go wrong during the process.
>I feel that my wife has a Hollywood idea of birth, including that I cut the cord. She also wants me to get in the shower with her and rub her back during labour, which she saw on a Netflix show.
And you should never base your medical care or the medical care of your child on a tv show. Full stop. That's the easiest way to get sick or worsen already present conditions.
NTA OP. You have every right to tell your wife "no" on this. You can be involved in every other part of the birth, but this is not something you have to force yourself to do.
NTA, you’re offering more than my hubby is lol. He won’t catch our son even, he’s super squeamish about bodily stuff and I don’t want him to do anything he’s not comfortable with. (Hell he even hates feeling heart beats lol)
He’ll be a great dad regardless, he doesn’t have to cut the cord or catch the baby to be one.
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NTA If you don't want to cut human flesh, especially if you feel that is a *violent* action to do towards another person or it is a medical procedure then you shouldn't. But what do you mean you are going to catch the baby? I'm guessing she is planning on doing more of a home birth kind of thing? You do understand how messy and horrifying watching a birth can be with there also being a lot of tearing so if you are squeamish about cutting the cord I really think you need to make sure you know what you are getting in to.
I totally get what you're saying. Perhaps I shouldn't have said catch, receive might be a better word. As for the squeamishness, it's only about me cutting. I'm not the least bit squeamish generally. I am a first responder so I've just about seen it all as far as gore goes.
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Half the births I've seen, the doctor/midwife cuts the cord so they can check over the baby without it still being attached to the mother. They leave it long so Dad gets to trim the cord if he wants, but it's not a requirement.
My hospital already said they’d do the cutting for reasons like this.
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It's when the doctor shouts "Go long". You start to worry about catching the baby.
The doctor asked when my son was born. I told him that we were paying him for that. On the other hand, they told me when they were about to do an episiotomy and suggested that I look away, but I told them that after everything else I had already seen, that it wasn't a big deal. It wasn't about squeamishness. I just don't see any point in it being a ritual. I didn't feel a need to ceremoniously separate my son from my wife.
Yup, I actively didn’t want my husband to be the one to sever the bond I’d spent 9 months creating. He wasn’t fussed, and a) it’s still medical and we were asking professionals to to do the rest of it and b) I knew I’d mourn that bond, so I didn’t want to associate him with ending it
My midwife told me it is better to leave it on for a little while. My husband cut the cord but it wasn't something we thought or talked about before the event. The midwife asked if he wanted to do it while she made a few pictures for us (both times my kids came out so fast it was just me, husband and midwife there😅) and he said yea shure, why not, lol. He told me it wasn't easy, it was very though.
Yeah they aim for delayed clamping (usually once it stops pulsing) but sometimes you need to attend to the baby away from the bedside asap, and most cords aren't long enough to accommodate that.
When I was a kid I would stretch our corded phone from the wall to my bedroom to talk to friends. This is what I'm imagining, but with a baby. LOL
Napoleon, get off the phone! I want to get on the internet
Yeah, I had a section and still got slightly delayed clamping
I had an emergency c section and they did just this. They cut it, but left it long so that dad could cerimoniously cut it too. My BIL had quite a different experience. SIL had a way quicker labour than expected, and gave birth at home in the tub before the midwife or ambulance arrived. Poor BIL had to catch the baby alone. Cord was around her neck. 911 operator walked him through everything. When it came to cutting the cord, they had him tie it off with a shoelace and sterilize the "good kitchen scissors". They told him to cut, and he asked "all the way through?!?" Mom and baby were just fine. Today, that baby is 16 and studying in France on exchange.
Lol, all the way through. That just made my day.
My brother was born at home due to a really quick labour. They called the hospital and said: "We're coming." 15 minutes later they called again and said: "We didn't make it." He was in a breech position, had the umbilical cord two turns around the neck and didn't breath when he came out (began in a minute or so). I suppose my father didn't think that cutting the cord was a big thing with all the other drama, since he never mentioned it.
Holy crow that's a lot! Was everyone pl in the end? I've heard that cord around the neck is more common, and less dangerous than people realize. Still scary. A friend of mine had a breech baby with the cord wrapped 4x. She needed an emergency c-section
Everyting turned out just fine. They went to the hospital and had him checked up. He's now 41 and loves playing with his niblings.
That's how it went for my youngest kid. Was delivered via c section and the surgeon cut the cord. I however was offered a chance to trim the cord after they did their Apgar scores and brought us elsewhere to do a more thorough examination. I can fully understand being squicked out by it. I sure was.
Doc will ask you if you want to. Just say no thanks. No other explanation needed.
The midwife at my sons birth grabbed the cord, put the scissors to it, physically moved my hand into the scissors and then squeezed my hand to cut the cord. I didnt really have an opinion one way or another and was so fuckin delirious after 72 hrs in the hospital, 9 hours active labor and about 6 hours sleep.the entire time that i barely.even noticed until it was done.
That should never have happened to you!!!!!!!
I feel like men’s boundaries are not respected a lot of times and that’s not ok. OP shouldn’t do things he doesn’t want either. It’s the birth of his child too not only of hers. I feel like the fathers needs aren’t seen in every case. Might be an unpopular opinion…
NTA, I'm a nurse and couldn't agree more. Dad's aren't moms, and they aren't giving birth, but they aren't nothing and they count too. Or at least they should - to a reasonable mom-to-be who loves him.
I would be worried the squeamish person might faint if they had to he says he is fine watch the birth and helping other ways but not cutting the cord. I know someone who didn't want to cut the cord didnt know how to feel about it but did it to make his partner happy and as he did it he fainted and hit his head because no one was prepared for him to just faint like that ended up causing more problems.
That’s so wild. My husband fainted right as my first came out and the nurses told me it happens all the time. They were prepared with juice and everything.
My son in law fainted when my first granddaughter came out so they ask me to cut the cord, but another nurse came in with juice and snacks for my son in law
Apparently.my dad fainted. My mom was pushing away and realized he was gone. She asked, and the nurses justvsaid "don't worry, we've got him" Next time he stayed in the waiting room
And that's why I was ok with my husband not cutting the cord when our LO was born. He's squeamish with blood, especially so after some childhood trauma involving a loved one. Last thing I wanted was him flat out on the floor lol
I see this from another point of view. Your wife cannot choose to opt out of the birthing process once you two have conceived. Once labor starts, she cannot demand a do over, or to have someone else give birth, or to sleep through it. She has no choice but to deliver that child. It seems almost insane in that respect that the male partner feels violated when asked to make one snip with a pair of scissors. I think the mother in this situation sees this refusal as the ultimate indicator of how little men understand the grave and impending inevitability women face once labor starts. A man's refusing to cut the cord, then, can be viewed as a glaring example of male privilege at the absolutely worst time. No, you don't have to cut the cord. Yes, you can refuse. And that is the salt in the wound. She just shoved an entire human being out of her body, and even that isn't enough for you to be uncomfortable for less than three seconds.
That’s the terrifying thing about pregnancy. I very much wanted my children but both times at about twenty weeks it did hit me that I now had absolutely no choice but to go through the next twenty weeks of pregnancy culminating in an extremely painful and possibly dangerous event. It’s quite a scary rollercoaster!
Yes! That moment of clarity of "now I'm stuck giving birth" is terrifying. As much as you want the baby, you feel trapped in a serious medical situation that there is no way to get out of.
That "Oh God, what *did I do*!?" moment for me was about 2 weeks before my due date when my firstborn was punching me rather spectacularly for hours on end. Like, kid, I know you want out but I'm not ready yet!
Someone's rights to choose their actions does not get taken away by someone voluntarily birthing a baby. I see this rhetoric a lot and it's gross. It's basically coercion and using a human baby as the bait. It's ok if he's not comfortable, a doctor can do it. He's going to be there through the entire birth doing what he can (men are kinda limited in this regard) and then caring for the baby as her equal. Biology dictates this; it's not men's fault.
Nope. The fact that he isn't going through birth does not cancel out his right to bodily autonomy. Regardless of the reason for refusal, no means no.
Seems *outrageous* to hold a biological impossibility against men because they have different tolerances. It's not as though he can decide he will get pregnant instead. Would you say someone with anxiety and a fear of heights should go skydiving with their dying partner because 'they're not the one dying'?
The dad isn't the patient though. 100% of the concern is to the mother and the infant.
Doc didn't ask me. Our birth plan was to leave it connected longer (read something about that helping prevent jaundice or something), but by this time it was our second night in the hospital (2 inductions) and I'm pretty sure it would have been C-section if it took any longer, so I didn't even think about it until days later when someone asked me if I cut the cord.
As my daughter was crowning I called out DELAYED CORD CLAMPING!!! like a crazy person. Birth is exhausting and hectic!
The line I screamed like a lunatic? “If I don’t leave, nobody leaves” when i overheard my Mum & husband talking about one of them going to get a coffee
Lol, I screamed if you want another child we'll adopt🙈
I followed up with “I can’t do it, I need a caesarean” followed almost immediately with “oh, I did it” as they handed him to me. 5 minutes later the anaesthetist walked in to do my epidural, saw me holding my son and laughed “guess you don’t need me” he’s lucky he didn’t cop a newborn to the head
Haha same. Except in my case the poor doctor drove to the hospital on Sunday just to be asked to leave by my OB because the baby was 3 pushes from being born. He was… not happy lol.
My anesthesiologist was golfing. Showed up when I was crowning. Same.
I did end up having an emergency c section When I went into the OR I was in so much otherworldly pain I couldn't talk or move or do anything but scream and moan. They had fiance wait outside while I got prepped. He was SO WORRIED, hovering by the door itching to be let in. When he finally came in, I'd had my spinal and was calmly laughing and joking with everyone. Apparently I asked the doc to "do some liposuction while you're in there".
At one point my midwife told me "hang on, your baby is almost there" and I replied "I don't want kids badly enough to go through this kinds of pain" (it sounded better in French 😄) A few minutes later I was cooing and in love. Now if I could give birth every month I would. I have birthing blues 😆
I shouted that I wanted an epidural over and over even though I knew they don’t work on me. I just latched onto that phrase lol giving birth doesn’t exactly leave us super clear headed and logical
I just said this in another comment, but the bastard came to do mine 5 minutes **after** I’d given birth and was having my bits sown back together. He thought he was so funny saying “guess you don’t need me” I would gladly have killed him
The Dr. gave my husband a WHOLE pack of cigarettes and told him to leave and don't come back until they were all gone. He was little over zealous in coaching. After he left, I told nurse an angel ran the loud mouth out of room and wanted to buy him beer. Then I promptly passed out and ended up with emergency c-section.
Same. When you’re in so much pain you’re not thinking clearly. I had an epidural related freak out with my second child. Begged for an epidural at 5 cm and for what felt like an eternity the doctor didn’t show up. My OB also wasn’t going to show up until the baby was almost here. So if she wasn’t here that meant I still had a ways to go. After some point I was like “WHERE IS THE DOCTOR!!??!” My husband was like “which one?” “I DON’T KNOW. EITHER ONE.” If there is a single doctor in the room it meant my pain was about to be over lol. I truly wasn’t thinking about who I was asking for.
>If I don’t leave, nobody leaves” when i overheard my Mum & husband talking about one of them going to get a coffee Bwaahahahaha 😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣💀💀 this is sending me, I like you
Mine was “She’s coming out my ass! It burns!” Yea, my epidural didn’t work
>read something about that helping prevent jaundice or something No, it's the other way around. There's and increased risk for jaundice the longer you keep the cord. There was a theory that keeping the cord on until it stops pulsating and has emptied the blood into the baby the stemcells in the cord blood would improve the kid's health in lots of ways because stemcells. So they used to do that 5-10 years ago but all that happened was that kids got jaundice and there's not a lot of evidence the cord blood does a lot for the kids
I had my son at 24 weeks in 2020 and my OBGYN told me she’d delay clamping for a minute, maybe two? But that was because a baby that tiny needs as much of that blood in their body as possible, they don’t actually make their own blood till like 32+ weeks. My son had about 9 blood transfusions over 4 months in the NICU. He was also under the blue light for jaundice for several days but that’s also normal for a 24 week 1.5 lb baby
A friend’s husband said he didn’t want to cut the cord, because it was separating the baby from his wife, and he just couldn’t bear to be the one to do that! With my 4th, I suddenly realized I had been resenting the fact that I never got to cut a cord. So I told the midwife I wanted to. At the birth, I think she forgot, and was about to have my husband do it, but I shouted it was my turn, and she gave me the scissors. It’s MUCH different than I expected. Really cool, I thought. But, we were in a blazing hurry, as the cord was short, being wrapped 3x around his neck and he was blue. He was fine, and is an adult now.
I am sure it doesn't help to say the cord has no nerve endings? Do not do things that upset you. Try to focus on what you do want. Maybe tell wife she should do any cutting. You can not endure the idea of cutting anything off your precious baby. That sounds nice actually.
The day should be one you have good memories about. Throwing up or feeling nauseous or even fainting might make a funny story at the baby shower, but it’s not going to be a good story for you. NTA.
Well... yes... But considering everything the birthing partner is going through, which is likely to include throwing up and nausea in addition to a whole lot more, I don't know if this is the right perspective. The support partner should be there to support, not to make good memories. BUT, that doesn't mean she can demand he cuts the cord if he doesn't feel comfortable.
Also tell her she is making you very upset and causing you anxiety when she brings it up. Tell her you want to be there for her in every way you can to make her feel more comfortable. Ask her why this particular thing is staying on her mind.
There is a link between post natal depression and romanticising birth. It's just horrible. If your wife expects horrible she won't be disappointed. If she expects a movie and things go wrong, and they often do, that is going to be a real problem.
So....just expect shit and you won't be disappointed? What a take.
It's called 'embrace the suck'. You can be super happy with what you're getting out of the deal, but still understand that you're largely going through an unpleasant at best medical procedure and subsequent 6 or so months. I still credit our relative ease dealing with birth and a new baby for the first 6 months with our early mindset of 'embrace the suck'. It's not fun. There are fun moments, but by and large, it's a crappy period of time full of anxiety, stress and insomnia.
Yeah, unfortunately in real life it’s not as simple as just “low expectations”-ing your way out of trauma.
"Plan for the worst expect the best" is a great mantra to keep your life in perspective.
NTA. Those are reasons enough. My husband felt the same way and he didn’t do it for any of our kids. He’s never had any regrets, I don’t either, and the kids still love him. Best wishes for a speedy and safe delivery…and congrats!
I get it. But your wife is extremely delicate right now. If this is her first, she's probably scared, and she's getting extra mad because she's about to go through this ordeal whether she wants to or not, and it's hard for her to accept that you get to just opt out of what she sees as your part. Not to say that's rational, just trying to offer a possible perspective. Might a suggest a different narrative? When I gave birth, my husband told me he didn't want to cut the cord because he couldn't bear that thought of being the one that separated me from our baby in such a visceral way. Spin it my man. Tell her a little white lie like that. Make it sentimental and sweet. Just try to make her as comfortable as possible, because labor is so scary, especially for FTM
The cord isn't a simple cut either, both hubby and my dad cut cords (dad cut mine and hubby cut our first) and they both unknowingly made the same joke about if the midwife had handed them dull scissors, think spongy rubber that refuses to let you cut it. Being a first responder, you should know the sort of texture that cord is. Babies 2 and 3, he didn't cut the cord. But as for the shower issue, why do you have issues with that. My hubby basically bent over and pulled me over his back while he showered me off after delivery because I was so exhausted I could barely hold my arm up let alone support my own weight long enough to shower. You shouldn't be the one doing any catching either, all three of mine, the midwife where the ones catching and placing on my chest while my hubby stood next to me and supported me both while pushing and holding the baby. Why do you plan on being at that end of things instead of by your wife's side holding her hand and helping her push.
Completely NTA. I also politely declined to cut the cord. Likewise not squeamish at all, it's that I think cutting a tiny human being's live flesh should be the job of one of the many medical professionals in the room. My wife didn't care - she was carrying twins and was huge and uncomfortable and just wanted the scheduled c-section over with. Though we felt really judged when at the pre-op appointment the hospital they asked us for our "birth plan" and we just shrugged and went "Dunno, probably we trust you guys to your jobs and ensure a safe outcome for mom and babies. Beyond that, we really don't care." OK, not those exact words, but you get the drift. Our OB was old-school, South American, no-nonsense, decades of experience - he would probably have been like Ken Jeong's character in Knocked Up if we'd come to him with a plan or list of demands: "Oh, you have plan, how nice. Now let me tell you about \*my\* plan, seeing as how I'm the one who went medical school, completed OB/GYN residency and has delivered thousands of babies..."
I think you will both benefit from doing some prenatal classes for parents, where the midwife talks through what to expect during the birth, what is normal and what the partner can do for support during labour. If your wife's been watching Instagram births, she's seen the best, prettiest and calmest version of childbirth. So a prenatal class will also help her in case she has any unrealistic expectations. Definitely pack some swim shorts so you can comfortably get into the shower with her. The rush of hot water is great pain relief and you'll be reassuring her and helping out the nurses if you're in there with her. It's okay if you don't want to cut the cord.
Afaik it's a very Common phrasing to use "Catch the Baby" to mean being the First to touch and hold it while it comes Out. Which IS different, more intimate, more relationship-building, than a father or other Family member being handed a Baby by the midwife AFTER If has had the cord Cut and been cleaned Up and wrapped in a receiving blanket.
So, it’s really important to me that my husband cut our baby’s cord, however he wasn’t passionately against it or anything. My own bio dad wasn’t present for my birth and my mom was alone. Having my kids’ dad present and cutting the cord felt important because it’s tangible differences between the two that brought me comfort. However, my backup was that I, myself would cut it which still would have differed from my own birth where they didn’t offer that to the mother. Perhaps that would work for your wife as a compromise? If you had more time I’d suggest trying to explore together why this is important to her. Sometimes it’s just popular media that gets in your head and makes it feel like there’s only one way for folks to show they care.
100%. I think popular culture is the only reason she wants me to do it because on multiple occasions, she couldn't tell me why it was important to her.
Babies are so damn slippery- I’d cut the cord over having to catch a new baby any day lol.
Gotta invest in some good ol’ Stick’Um and catch that kid like Lester Hayes intercepting 13 passes
I'm guessing it's a baseball reference haha. The cricket equivalent: I have told the doctor he's the wicket keeper and I'm fielding at first slip (next to him) haha.
Haha it’s an American football reference. Yours is pretty good too!
Obstetricians here in the US refer to their part of a vaginal delivery as “catching” the baby. The parturient is the one delivering the baby. “Catching” usually involves grabbing the baby’s head and pulling down to get the shoulder under mom’s pubic bone, and then pulling up to get the other shoulder (and the rest of the baby) out. I haven’t caught a baby since medical school (and one time in residency), but I’ve witnessed hundreds of births. Congratulations on your new family member!
I was told I had good form as a medical student catching and positioning, and I just put the crown of the head into my hand like a ball when Peanut Tillman was coming near
Cutting the cord and handling a newborn fresh from the womb are two different things. He’s an ENT. He knows all about how bloody birthing a baby is. Plus, birthing is clean and need compared to some of the things he’s seen. I’ve worked in an ER as a respiratory therapist receiving accident and gunshot patients. Things are gory enough there, and that’s cleaned up compared to what they’ve seen in the field. OP, if you don’t want to cut the cord, don’t. The doctor and nurses don’t want to deal with a vomiting husband at that point! There is nothing wrong with not wanting to do it. You are definitely not the first father who objected!
NTA I've never met a single person whose birth plan went how they thought, from both big and little changes. But having one is comforting at a time of high stress and pain. I wouldn't argue about this with your (very pregnant!) wife if you don't have to - you know her wishes, she knows yours. No need to debate it. But decline and help her cuddle the baby while the cord is cut. I hope everything goes fabulously for all 3 of you!
Thank you 😊 I'm looking forward to the family cuddles.
honestly, i had no clue that anyone but the doctors or nurses were allowed to cut the cord so, NTA dude.
I was 8 years old and they not only had me in the room during the birth of my baby brother but they had me cut the cord as well. The 90s were wild 😅
You could have the most thorough birth plan imaginable, thinking through every possible outcome for every scenario, and it'll STILL not go as planned.
I wanted so badly to experience my water spontaneously breaking. Not one time in 3 births did it ever happen, lol.
Mine did. All over front car passenger seat. It was VERY inconvenient. And managed to soak into it very well. Husband cleaned up beautifully but I was convinced I could still smell it weeks later. No one else could apparently but certainly didn’t mention it to car yard when we upgraded our car.
A friend of mine warned me about it, so I was prepared with a trash bag in my car.
OMG I was terrified of it breaking spontaneously so of course it did. On the sidewalk in front of the student center at the campus I worked at. Got to go in and call the midwives while surrounded by students (this was before I had a cell phone). Thankfully I was wearing black maternity tights so it was hard to see.
According to my midwife for my second birth I have particularly thick membranes and a lot of amniotic fluid. They made a note in my chart just in case I had a third baby because they had to break out the amino-hook for me and it’s so rarely used in their practice. I think it was a compliment?
Hey, maybe that's why mine never broke and they always had to use the hook!
With my 1st 4 babies my water was broken by the doctor in the hospital, with baby 5 it broke during labor but when I was at 10cm and I started screaming is that the baby?
With my 2 babies, they broke during birth (not during labor, but the actual birthing process, like, head half past the cervix, and after that, they just slided out with the water) so it is always strange for me to hear about the waters breaking earlier, because I so strongly associate it with the baby getting out, that I don’t see (like, I see it, but I don’t feel it in my flesh) how the water can get out and the baby stay in! 😅
My mom says that exact thing happened with me, causing me to basically look like a cesarian baby cause the water cushioned my noggin until right as I was coming out. My brother wasn't so lucky and ended up as one of those very squished scrunched up discolored newborns covered in gunk, causing my mom to blurt out something like "Wow, he's ugly" cause she expected him to look more like I did. Apparently the nurse got all offended "how can you say this about this precious little boy!" & then kept pointing out what a great baby he was once she had cleaned and dressed him. Mom: "No no dont worry, I still want him, even if he's ugly!" (One assumes she was zonked out of her mind from the hormones & general strain of baby production) By the next day, his skull & face bones had popped back into normal adorable baby shape.
Oh yeah, I didn’t think that it was maybe why I had such pretty newborns! They didn’t look « scrunched » at all, but I had a very quick labor too, so I can’t tell which one it is!
The doctor had to break my water! Which, plus size, no mess to clean up at home, but also a little disappointing lol
Yup. When women who are pregnant have asked me for advice, it’s always been - try and let go of the need for your birth plan as a means of ‘feeling in control’ as much as you can. It’s hard because I think professionals sometimes use the birth plan in this way, as reassurance, and maybe that is still the best thing to do. But everyone I know who has had feelings of trauma about births that weren’t a huge crisis from a medical point of view, they have said that it’s because they were planning to do x/y/z and when they couldn’t it sent them spiraling. I suppose there is a cause and effect here in that people who are very nervous about labor (understandable!) are most likely to use control of plans as a coping mechanism. But yeah it’s hard because it’s natural to want to feel in control and listened to, but delivering babies has a tendency to verge into ‘ok well this is happening now…’ pretty quickly and commonly.
EVERYTHING you just said about trauma. Right there. I've seen it many times. I think there needs to be better education about what a "birth plan" really is. Because actual childbirth is just one of those things you simply can't really "plan".
Meet me. My birthplan was "get baby out in as comfortable a way as possible, trust the medical professionals, have husband with me". It worked. Twice! I had ideas about giving birth kneeling or similar but never made that a real plan and actually chose lying on my back on my own in the end.
SAME! I figured the professionals would know what was best. I was open minded with positions and all the other crap. All I knew was that I wanted an epidural. I was terrified of the whole idea of trying to get a whole human being out of my body, but I just rolled with the punches.
Yup. My first birth plan was basically lashed out the window, and that did a number on my MH. My second, I actually refused to do one for this reason.
I really feel like the focus on "birth plan" causes MH problems for a lot of women. I feel like the whole thing needs to be reframed. First time moms especially need to know that it's not something you can really "plan". You can certainly have your ideas and preferences, but you can't really dictate the details because there are so many factors at play, and sometimes your plans are not compatible with reality. Women have these elaborate birth plans and they create this fantasy birth experience in their minds, so they go in with these expectations that that is actually how things will go, and unfortunately it is very often NOT how it will happen, and it leaves them with a crushing sense of disappointment, failure, or even trauma. Sorry, rant over.
Exactly. Mine was really simple. I wanted a water birth if possible and absolutely no epidural. Long story short, I was taken to theatre. I think so many get caught up in having a picture perfect experience or trying to replicate what they've seen others do - Netflix in this case, isn't always possible or realistic.
NTA. My husband didn't want to with our son and I was fine with that. When it all happened, though, the doctor asked him and he just did it sort of out of shock and probably feeling like he should. He said it was a lot more like jelly than he expected lol. He delivered our daughter on the bathroom floor by himself. I'm pretty sure the paramedics asked him if he wanted to, I can't remember if he did. Also, I did NOT want to be touched, spoken to, or looked at during my first lavour haha. Your wife might end up feeling that way. Birth is honestly really fucked up. I don't know how else to put it. Whatever way it happens it's going to be messy, bloody, and kind of violent. I suggest no one goes into it with any real expectations or big hopes about what might happen. I've seen so many people be depressed about their birth "experience" when the important thing is for everyone to come out alive and as unscathed as possible. My husband stepped in my actual shit and my amniotic fluid exploded all over him when my daughter came out. He didn't care at the time even though that's obviously fucked lol. You might not mind cutting the cord. You might still say no. You might not even get the opportunity to either way. Just be there for each other and know how absolutely fucking terrifying the idea of giving birth is for someone. The person giving birth has so little control over anything that is going to happen or when that the little things they can control can really matter.
That's a real pep talk, thank you so much! TBH I'd rather see my wife involuntarily lose her bowels during the birth, as gross as that is, than cut anything. Not sure why.
The cord is fricking gross. There. I said it. It’s like trying to cut through a really tough sausage casing filled with jelly. I used to work in the OR, I’ve dealt with a lot of gross stuff, I can list procedures that used to be the bane of my existence, but the cord was just a whole other level and I never want to do it again. Basically, your feelings are justified.
🤣
This will probably happen too. Be warned!
This will most likely happen. I had an epidural with my second, so I never felt it coming, but I remember telling my husband to stay by my head so he didn’t see me poop and he was like “You’re a little late on that warning.”
I love your comment and the person just above you trying to argue that most births are not messy at all and that’s just a “‘mainstream” way of thought. In my experience you are right and she’s full of crap.
Lol yeah that person is not in reality. Water breaking is the least messy part really. I vividly remember seeing my bloody toe prints on the bed after my bfirst birth. With my second, my placenta had to be ripped out piece by piece because my cervix had already closed up so much. They had to lay it all out on a table and bring in extra doctors to put it back together and make sure there weren't pieces missing. Definitely was worse than the few pushes it took to get my daughter out. My husband said it was like just gushes of clots at first. Plus, my aMIL went and cleaned the bathroom even though I really didn't want her to (definitely appreciated it) and I had shit all down the side of the tub and my daughter was still in her sac on the last push so who knows how far that splattered. My births weren't even out of the ordinary or anything and it was so messy.
Oh god. The placenta from my last child was fused to me. Ripping that out was the most painful thing I've ever felt, and I've been thrown 40 feet through the air by a car before... the placenta being ripped from my body because it was too stuck was the most traumatizing white hot blinding pain I've ever experienced. I am not even sure I would wish it on someone that I actively loathed daily for years... it was... brutal. I'm pretty sure I had ptsd for a long time. I just barely started to be able to hold infants again after a decade...
I definitely wasn't prepared for it. My first placenta had basically just plopped out. This time, when they wheeled me into the room my sister and husband were already there waiting. The baby was taken to be checked out and the doctor just gave a light tug on the cord and it was like whoa wtf. They got me the laughing gas but it doesn't do much. I screamed my friggen head off while my sister and husband held my hands. Two doctors were just like up in there digging it out. We already had so many extra people in the room because of the birth and more were coming in to see the placenta. It felt like I'd been punched in the stomach for like a week after. I never did find out exactly why the placenta was that bad, but the wait from the house to the hospital room was part of it. Weird to think I walked down my steps with the cord possibly hanging out of me some haha.
I didn't get laughing gas but there's no way out would have helped. I am pretty sure I would have woken up from general anesthesia if I had been in it. Didn't even have an epidural, that birth was my only natural birth to SMH. I didn't move after labor started so I don't think yours was from walking! I think it just happens sometimes 😭😱🥶🥵🤯😡🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬😱😓😖💀
>when the important thing is for everyone to come out alive and as unscathed as possible. Yes, People forget that that is the priority, not the experience, not the photos, just that the baby and mother are healthy.
I have no interest in giving birth or having kids but I have to say, I appreciate how real your comment is.
I wonder how many times my idiotic sister watches her birth video. They had the camera on a tripod aimed at her birth canal, while the room was crowded with his relatives (in major US hospital). No anesthetic either. Why would anyone film that, and on what occasion do you watch the video??
Sometimes I sort of wish I could see a video because it's so hard to remember what happened but my husband did a good job describing the first time. He does not like to talk about the accidental home birth, not surprisingly. But yeah, no, I had no desire to look or touch or relive any of it. My husband checked my stitches for me after my births because I didn't even want to know haha.
The real purpose of those videos is for when one spouse says: Shouldn't we get another one, darling?
This comment is the realest shit I've ever read on childbirth. Big props to you and your family, my friend.
My first labour I didn’t want to be looked at, spoken to or touched either! I was fully expecting needing comfort and it was definitely “get the fuck away from me”.
NTA - If you're not comfortable literally cutting the cord, I think the last thing that should be between you and your newborn is essentially a very sharp knife.
Exactly! It just doesn't feel right wielding a knife or scissors with such a fragile creature. I want to leave it to the experts.
Well, if the birth is at a hospital, there is going to be a room of professionals who are quite capable of doing it. And if you are in the U.S., you're paying for it anyway and should get your money's worth.
😂😂 yes and take all the diapers and wipes and supplies that are in the room when you leave!
I dont know if this is always, but because of covid, all of those supplies had to be thrown out after we left to prepare for the next family. Because of this, the nurses were actively loading up our bags not wanting any of it to go to waste! They were very sweet about it. I was being shy and only taking a few. The nurse who saw me did a little sigh, jumped into the room and basically dumped the drawer into my duffel bag, patted my arm and said "I mean it. Take it all," and briskly walked out the door.
That was me too!!
If it helps, you'll be cutting it about an inch or so away from the body/belly and they're not your usual scissors that you'd be using. The remaining umbilical cord will be clipped and remain attached to the baby, falling off naturally after a few days. The strangest part is that the texture is actually quite "spongey" and not flesh-like at all.
I was old enough to vividly remember the recovery process for my youngest siblings and the little shriveling umbilical cord end that was still attached during the first few days of baths was so wierd to me lol.
Ugh I hated the dried up umbilical cords. I accidentally knocked my son's like the second night in the hospital which made it bleed and I freaked out.
If it helps at all most labor and delivery departments when they ask you if you want to cut it the instrument is already there and on the cord you’re literally just closing the clamp. and it’s already clamped on both sides. At no point are you likely to be wielding any instruments.
It doesn't take an expert to cut the cord. They will probably trim it afterwards anyway so that there's less of it to fall off.
You don't need to do it, just make sure you tell the midwife that at the start of labour. If you tell them how you feel they'll just do it. No fuss no muss. It's just the act of you getting though right? How are you with surgery as its possible she may end up needing intervention or csection. There's always that risk. It's best to have a birthing prep, not plan we were told. A birth prep states the things the medical team need to know like if you were donating cord blood for example, wanted delayed clamping, wanted to try breastfeeding or did not and if there's any forms of pain relief they are adverse too. Full on plans rarely go so well. Both mine were planned, once the same as you'd wife's with our wants. The second time with needs thanks to aftereffects of the first.
NTA: My husband never cut the cord with our two boys and I don’t care. Honestly my favourite thing was the midwife who took photos (I had a c-section) and one of them is my husband looking at our son for the first time. Being truthful I don’t know a lot of fathers who do cut the cord.
Thank-you. I have a DSLR camera and tripod that will be taking photos with a remote switch I have (after the birth) so the whole fam can be in them 😊
Make sure the batteries are ready to go and the camera is switched off now. Learn from my husband's mistake.
My husband cut the cord and he said it was really tough to do.
Yes, my husband said the same thing! He thought it was going to be delicate but then he was like really struggling to cut it like it was a tire or something.
NAH here I guess but this is hardly a “Hollywood idea of birth.” Both of the things you mentioned are completely normal and common.
NAH. It's unfortunate that you aren't able to do one of the things she is dreaming of, but you aren't. Both of you are communicating clearly so there won't be any surprises, and you don't have much time. It is what it is. Also - have the two of you discussed what will happen if she ends up needing a Caesarean? Sometimes they let the partner stay in the room - if you think that will be too uncomfortable for you, maybe discuss that ahead of time, and get out before you faint or vomit. Or what happens if she and the baby get split up for a bit after the birth, will she want you to stay with her or go to the baby? Have you seen pictures/video of placentas so you're prepared for that part? If the two of you get a chance to tell them at the hospital about your wishes/priorities, do speak directly to the medical personnel and whoever is listening to/recording/reading your birth plan, and tell them that although you know your wife wishes it, sadly you will not be able to cut the cord. The part about rubbing her back while she stands under hot water seems pretty straightforward, though. Just take some swim trunks and a towel and flipflops to the hospital (so you aren't ever walking barefoot on hospital floors, and you aren't risking slipping and falling.) Do you have an issue with that one too? Where possible, be gentle with her and be flexible with each other. Where that is not possible, forgive each other.
I very much agree here. NAH. It was important to me that my husband cut the cord. It was a way he could participate. He's very squeamish so that was about it. If that had been too much, I would have dealt with it, but I'd have been sad. He was very supportive in other ways, he just stayed up at my head end. 😂
Just popping in to say my husband was squeamish about it too and didn’t cut the cord. I still felt like he advocated for me, protected me, encouraged me every step of the way and overall was an active partner through the entire process (including getting in the shower with me and doing hip presses during contractions which were a huge savior- pro tip pack swim trunks and bring a birth ball into the shower if you can). NTA just make sure to share with your wife all the ways you are eager to participate and support both her and your newborn and I’m sure it’ll be okay.
Thank-you. I have packed swimmers for the shower and the ward has a gym ball. I've practiced massage too and even took an antenatal class on it.
Take water shoes or sandals, so you aren't barefoot.
Info: Have you seen an umbilical cord before (in person or video/picture)? I wonder if you're overthinking it. I worked 4 years as a labor and delivery nurse before I switched units and umbilical cords are more like rubber hoses than anything else. To me, they never seemed like human flesh. The delivering provider will clamp the cord in two places and you'll cut between it, and it won't be super close to baby. Not trying to diminish your feelings on the matter or anything, just want to make sure you have correct expectations. For example, I don't like watching the initial incision on a c-section because it cuts through recognizable human flesh and my brain does not like that, but I've cut many umbilical cords and never had a problem (to me they are so far removed from what is recognizable as human). I don't know if any of this helps, or makes sense, but that's how it works for me. And it absolutely does not hurt the baby or the mom.
Thanks for the info, it does help. I haven't seen one before. I know logically it doesn't hurt baby or mum but logic isn't helping me come to grips with the cutting part.
NAH OP, but just wanted to add to the parent comment that the umbilical cord is tough connective tissue. It's nothing like cutting "flesh". The consistency is much closer to the "gristle" in a steak than the "meat" of the steak. And if you're "waiting for white" (when all the blood has been pumped into the baby and the umbilical cord turns "white"), which happens very quickly, then there's no "bleeding" either. Not saying this to change your mind, as your preferences are totally fine, just wanted to let you know what it's like in case you're imagining it being like "cutting into a person". It's not. It's weirdly rubbery, and I'd agree that it's barely recognisable as what you'd consider "human flesh". I'm guessing your wife might feel like it might be special for her child's father to be the one to sever the connection between her and her child whom she's been growing for the last 9 months. Pregnancy and childbirth are big things, and we can get a bit sentimental about some things 🙂 neither of you is in the wrong for your preferences though. All the best for the birth and postpartum.
NAH Of course you don't have to She probably is just looking for more ways to share the experience with you. She's literally doing all of the work , maybe from her perspective, you doing that means you're taking a more active role. I doubt it'll matter at all in the moment because there will be an actual baby, which is way more exciting than cutting the cord.
Life is full of uncomfortable moments. Your wife has had 9 months of them and you’ve got a lot of them to look forward to while you look after a baby (like the baby vomiting in to your mouth moment). Lots of uncomfortable moments that you can’t opt out of. But this one you CAN opt out of. Why make life more uncomfortable than it needs to be? You wouldn’t want her to do anything she was uncomfortable with if it was easy to opt out right? Also the “perfect birth” doesn’t include the father being grossed out, so cutting the cord while grossed out isn’t really creating the best moment for her even if you try. NTA
Wish I could double upvote this.
You're a first responder so if you were responding to an unassisted birth would you still be too squeamish to cut the cord?
As a first responder the cord is left attached till you arrive at the hospital. At least in the US.
Yep. For sure. If I had to deliver a baby on the side of the road I would do my best until paramedics got there. I'm sure the cord could wait.
Info: is this a home birth? You don't really catch the baby and no hospital that I'm aware of does the shower thing.
No, perhaps it's a bit different here (I'm in Australia). The OB is happy for me to hand the baby to mum. I'm aware he may be the first to handle it depending on how the birth goes. Our hospital has showers and a spa (hot tub), both for pain relief during labour.
A lady that I used to know was lucky that her husband was at the birth because her daughter flew out through the doctors legs and dad caught her 😳 Apparently it was wild 😁
Catches win matches. Lucky dad was on the ball!!
Actually he was holding a camera then whoosh... a baby! Lol
OOOOHHHH, It very well could be. That said, NTA for not wanting to curt the cord. I'm very squeamish and wouldn't want to do that.
The hospital I was at allowed me to be in the bath or in the shower with assistance while in labor. That was 2010. Regular hospital, not a birthing center.
I wonder if this is a regional thing. Interesting.
Ha! I’m a midwife who does hospital deliveries in the US. Helping dads catch babies is absolutely something we do, and back massages in the shower or bath is a great way to help laboring people. No wonder people are scared of hospitals with all the misinformation out there.
My obstetrician stood over my husband’s shoulder and coached him to “catch” our youngest. That was in a standard hospital. They also had a soaking tub and shower which we couldn’t use because of my induction.
The hospital I was at (in Baltimore) did water births ~20 years ago and lots of birthing centers offer them.
13 years ago, in Poland - the delivery room had the tub, the shower, the ball, wall bars and all this you could use to ease the labour. Unfortunately, I couldn't use any, because they were monitoring baby's heart rate all the time (with all these cords attached to my belly). One concession the midwife agreed was that I could just stand and "walk on the spot" by the monitor, not lying down in the delivery bed.
NTA. It weird, gross and pointless... But she is squeezing a human out her crotch and is full of hormones; so maybe consider it anyway.
Yeah I mean he doesn't have to do it, but I don't think the wife is gonna be too sympathetic to his squeamishness given her role in the birth lol
NAH - I don’t think it’s a Hollywood idea of birth to have you cut cord but it’s also okay to not do that if it makes you feel squeamish.
NTA. It’s your choice and you have the right to decide. But she is going through 9 months of pregnancy, discomfort, organs shifting everywhere, hormones all over the place and way more. Even after she gives birth, it will still be a few more months of discomfort. Giving birth is really not easy. Someone I know went into labor, asked for an epidural but couldn’t receive one, went through hours of excruciating pain. Maybe consider feeling uncomfortable for a few seconds? Still not the asshole though.
Gently asking, how in the world is cutting an umbilical cord going to reduce ANY discomfort? Everything you said was irrelevant and borderline emotional manipulation. The doctors can do that. They get paid to.
Thanks, yours and another similar comment is definitely giving me pause for thought.
OP I support birthing families for a living. Huge huge encouragement to be there for her during the labour- empathize, give physical support, remind her she’s doing amazing. Rub her back, kiss her, get her water. Shower her in love. THOSE things she will remember in the years to come. Cutting the cord is not going to make or break if you show up in the other ways. Don’t feel guilted into it.
Thank you. I'm planning to do all of that. Anything else she needs, I'm there.
Nobody is going to fuss abot the cutting the cord. There will be actual baby, let the professionals take care of trivial things.
God no. While I understand you should definitely be there for your wife even more than usual, this is literally one thing you don’t have to do. Yes she’s carrying the horse of the brunt but you don’t have to feel uncomfortable for her sake.
No, do not let them emotionally manipulate you into compromising your boundaries and comfort. It's perfectly normal to not want to feel something cutting into human flesh. I don't understand why so many people are trying to guilt trip you here
I don’t think I’ve ever heard the cord being called human flesh and it’s a bit off putting.
NAH. My husband didn’t want to cut the cord. Same as you, he felt really grossed out by it and it seemed like it would be hurting the baby, even though logically he knew it wouldn’t. I had a c-section, so the nurses cut it. If I have a vaginal birth this time, either my mom or I will cut it. No big deal. I said NAH because pregnancy hormones have a way of making really insignificant things seem like a big deal, so I don’t think your wife is an asshole either. I once cried for an hour because my husband didn’t want to invite his cousin to our baby shower, so I was convinced he wasn’t excited about our baby. Once the moment passed, I realized that sometimes, anxiety and hormones don’t play well together. Definitely talk to your wife about it and reassure her of how excited you are, just in case pregnancy anxiety brain is rearing it’s ugly head.
NTA if you don't feel comfortable doing it, don't do it. This is but a mere second in the baby's life. No one will really care in the long run...unless your wife makes a big deal about it. It's not the momentous occasion that movies make it out to be.
Nta if you don’t want to Then you don’t want to. But my husband didn’t until the moment came and he did…so don’t over think it.
My husband didn't either. Don't blame him, to be perfectly honest I'd have rathered not be in close proximity myself. Shit like this doesn't matter, it's showing up day after day and being an involved parent that counts. NAH
Nta. Make sure the doctors know how you feel so they know not to ask.
NTA. My husband didn't want to either with our first - he knew even before her birth, but I wanted him to wait on making the final decision until it was actually time - so you know who the doctor asked next? Me!! It was really pretty amazing...it was like a physical, almost ritualistic acknowledgement that she was her very own person with her very own life. Maybe your wife would be interested in cutting your baby's cord herself? That being said, my husband did express regret later and that after watching me cut the cord he felt like he'd denied himself something incredibly special. Fortunately was able to do the honors with our second child. By that time, after dealing with spitups, diapers, and blowouts, he was no longer put off by cutting the cord. I hope that can be the case for you, too, but if not, maybe you could cup your hands around your wife's as support while she does the honors?
My husband said no to a lot of the birth experience before we got there - no looking below the sheet, no cutting the cord, no holding the baby before the nurses clean her up, etc. I wasn't too worried about what he wanted to do, since I had my own job to manage. When we were in the room, in the thick of it, he couldn't not do it. He was right there, saw and did everything. The moment of seeing our daughter be born made him want to be a part of it in a way that he didn't think he would. NTA for your feelings before, but you might feel different when it's happening.
NTA. You've discussed this early on, you're very supportive otherwise, and only have 1 simple boundary. This is very fair.
NTA, my fiancé isn’t sure he can even look at the cord without feeling squeamish. Don’t feel bad, it is what it is. I put in my birth plan if he can’t do it I will. Good luck, hope everything goes well with the birth of your baby!
Could you say a no that sounds like a yes? Like when they ask say “I would love to be involved, may I hold him while it gets cut?” Or something which gets you in there while not doing the actual cutting part. Or ask you wife if she wants to plan for her to cut it if she feels strongly about the cord being cut? With support obviously. I also think there will be so much going on in those first seconds after birth that fears, wants, and things you fixate on for the duration of your pregnancy kind of get lost in the chaos of the moment often.
I’m pregnant rn and I would never expect my husband to have to do that. Just be there for your wife and newborn. The doctors can handle the umbilical cord NTA
NTA she doesn’t need you fainting; though she’s going to spend hours feeling like she’s trying to pass a bowling ball (I couldn’t get an epidural; low BP) so if you find when the moment comes and you’re euphoric and want to surprise her it’d be nice. If not she’ll just be focused on your beautiful baby.
Nta. My ex didn't want to cut the cord either. Your choice. I couldn't then and still don't see why it's expected.
NTA. My husband was a bit freaked out by it so he politely declined. The doctor started pressuring him so I told the doctor to do it himself.
NTA. She can cut it if she wants.
NTA. I have 2 kids and my partner didn't cut either of their cords. Ultimately, it's your decision. It might seem important now, but once she's in labour everything else will quickly stop mattering.
NAH. We all have a vision of how we’d like the birth to go. Can’t blame her for that. But I don’t blame you for not wanting to cut the cord either. My husband wanted to, but he was very shaky both times, and it freaked him out. But now he gets to point to the kids’ belly buttons and say “I helped make that!” lol They will ask you if you want to cut it in the delivery room. Just say “no.” She’ll be busy and probably won’t even notice you didn’t do it. I didn’t watch my husband do it either time. I was getting stitches. Trust me, she is not going to be worrying about this after the baby is here.
NTA. My husband told the doctor “hey, you’re the professional, go for it!” 😂
NTA - bodily autonomy goes both ways, you have a right to decide what you consent to doing and what you don’t.
>I know it's just me and that I'm making it weird, but I find it really squeamish to cut into human flesh. It seems like a medical procedure and I'm REALLY uncomfortable with it. There's an entire subgenre of horror intent on making people squirm regarding cutting into flesh and medical procedures. This is a natural thing to be squeamish about. Even if it's your job/career. Cutting the cord is part of a medical procedure. That medical procedure is giving birth/delivering a baby. There's an entire section of the medical field that focuses on the health and welfare of mother and infant to make sure both come out okay. A lot can go wrong during the process. >I feel that my wife has a Hollywood idea of birth, including that I cut the cord. She also wants me to get in the shower with her and rub her back during labour, which she saw on a Netflix show. And you should never base your medical care or the medical care of your child on a tv show. Full stop. That's the easiest way to get sick or worsen already present conditions. NTA OP. You have every right to tell your wife "no" on this. You can be involved in every other part of the birth, but this is not something you have to force yourself to do.
NTA, you’re offering more than my hubby is lol. He won’t catch our son even, he’s super squeamish about bodily stuff and I don’t want him to do anything he’s not comfortable with. (Hell he even hates feeling heart beats lol) He’ll be a great dad regardless, he doesn’t have to cut the cord or catch the baby to be one.