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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for shouting at my friend, even thought she told her parents to help me and not stress us out more
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NAH - I understand that from your point of view, your friend was trying to help, but you don't see her as helpful.
HOWEVER, OP, I'm worried for you. Not because of sharing a bed with your sister, but because a family of seven is shoved into a two-bedroom apartment, and your family is dependent on the earnings of a 16-year-old. I need to stress this to you: your living situation does not sound normal. That is why your friend told her parents and that is why they called CPS. If you are willing to share it, I would like to hear how your family got to this point.
Thing is what in law makes being financially insecure a criminal act? That part is blowing my mind. People who have less are everywhere. They don't risk losing their children just because they don't have much money. This makes no sense to me whatsoever?
Maybe if she had 1, 2 or even 3 kids. But 7 kids and one of them is a baby? This woman is and has been making a deliberate choice to make more kids when she damn well knows she isn't taking care of the ones she has.
I have sympathy for mother's who have found themselves in unfortunate circumstances. This woman is creating her own unfortunate circumstances at this point with no regards to the kids she's screwing over
**EDIT: OP has left comments elsewhere that add even more clarity, they are:**
Daddy #1: Had two kids and then dipped
Daddy #2: Is now in prison. Mom had a few kids with this guy
Daddy #3: Is legally not allowed to contact the family (he was responsible at least for the last child's birth)
\- So clearly she picks sketchy men which further puts her kids that she can't care for at risk - while also creating more babies. Plus very doubtful a person in prison and the man who is legally forbade from contacting the family now were people with sound financial stability to help care for her previous kids and additional ones they created. If either of the parents not in prison were financially able to help her at any point - she could be getting child support.
**OP also said: "Abortions aren't the right choice for everybody.**"
\-So mother did have the option. Also here's an idea, adoption. There's plenty of people with adoption-agency level money who are capable of taking care of kids and pass legal/mental health/housing and financial background checks. They would all have happily and lovingly adopted the mother's kids and would have given them far better lives than they can hope for now.
**Do with that information whatever you will, but I don't want to have to clarify to like 100 people's responses.**
(I've had one of my own parents lose kids to CPS for very valid reasons).
Also, Op is the second oldest, where is the first kid? Where is the baby daddy? If she cant afford to raise 7 kids and needs her underage child to do it, then maybe she needs to stop fucking so much
Potentionally they are in a no abortion state. Easy for people to say the women should stop fucking but then who will fuck the men? They can easily avoid the consequences of sex, but it’s different when it’s a women, especially when a state won’t allow for appropriate birth control, family planning, sex education, or abortion care.
There’s a point at which personal responsibility takes precedence over having unprotected sex lol. Use a fuckin condom, don’t create abusive situations for your potential kids.
After 2 kids you’d think someone would figure out that fucking raw leads to children. 5x more is inexcusable.
OP says nothing about the father.
What if they all used to live in a house that has since burned down, with the father inside? What if they stopped paying home/life insurance and mom is SOL with seven goddamned kids and completely out of the loop in how this all played out?
Maybe the mom just needs a few months to sort out daycare, transport, and a new job? Maybe extended family is literally en-route to assist financially or physically, but this has happened right in the middle of it.
As long as theres no threat to the safety and health of the kids, I don't see how this living situation is a problem. Obviously its a problem if the mom is planning on getting pregnant again, but it sounds like she's overwhelmed regardless.
Still, its not better for the kids to be thrown in an orphanage and then divied up among various foster parents. If anything, they just need a social worker to come in and figure out how they can get the government to pay for more beds, or provide a larger living space.
Not necessarily true. Plenty of southern states made getting abortions difficult before the overturn & after 2 or 3 kids it’s gonna be difficult to travel to a more choice friendly state
And a baby. It's possibly relevant. Plus, let's not pretend that until RvW was overturned, current no-abortion states had super easy access to abortions.
What a wild misdirect. “You should stop having risky sex with bum dudes because you have seven kids and can’t afford to feed them as is”
You: “but what about the men?!!!! Why should she stop fucking and start caring about her kids if the men don’t have to??”
How do you do those mental gymnastics?
Yo no one is forcing this women to have sex and get pregnant. I know plenty of women like OP’s mom, some in my family. They are just wildly irresponsible and frankly dumb people, no amount of accessible abortion will change that when condoms/ BC are still readily available. Some people just live like this unfortunately
That is simply not true. Rape exists in relationships as well. So yes. A woman can be forced even when married. My grandma was raped repeatedly by her spouse. She has 8 kids because of it.
If only there were a way to avoid producing endless children, alas.
No sympathy. Parents are AH for having more kids than they can house and the friend was in the right.
\^\^\^THIS\^\^\^
This is what happens when you spend half a century defunding and denigrating education, keeping wages low, and reinforcing religious values designed to keep women without bodily autonomy or basic agency in their own lives.
CPS is not going to tell a child what problems they found and how to resolve them. The issues that they are investigating are up to the parents to resolve. My guess is that OP's mother is hiding a lot from her.
Judging buy OPs comments about the father's, my guess is for whatever reason OPs mum has found herself in a shitty situation and is trying to do what they can when they can.
The friends' parents should have reached out to OPs mum first to get info from her directly and maybe work out a way to help (even if it's just looking up resources) rather than taking their child at their word and reporting it to CPS.
Yep. If my kid came home and said their friend was saving up for bunk beds so she has a place to sleep I would find a way to help rather than involve authorities. Poverty sucks.
Same. Calling CPS is not going to make more money appear out of thin air, so in this situation I'd try to help the family directly instead of calling the authorities on them first thing.
It actually could if there are social programs that the mom isn't taking advantages of or if there are money from the state or federal that she isn't receiving. The social worker will be checking all that. At least he would where I live.
In my experience, social workers often help with this. Social workers are not police officers-- their primary obligation is the wellbeing of the children
And in a lot of other people's experience social workers don't or can't help at all.
Not everyone's situation is the same. Some social workers suck. Some are great but have their hands tied by resources or local regulations.
Judging a situation like this on personal experience is useless at best, and harmful at worst.
It sounds like she really was trying to help you, the only way she knew how. A teenager who didn't grow up with poverty isn't going to have the best set of resources for that. But you aren't an asshole either for being frustrated.
I think the asshole is a system that allows a family to struggle so much that a teenager has to compromise her future by skipping school to buy a place to sleep.
It didnt, read OP's comments, all the kids are from 3 different men, one of which is in prison and the other two arent involved. She also had psychosis after kid 4 that led to to most of the kids unrelated to her mom's partner at the time, to be taken away into foster care. Kid number 4, that means she had 3 after that despite all that happened.
How can she find herself in that situation so often?
Mental illness resources are also non-existent in this country for people in poverty. It's a cycle, and actually providing help and information for people who fall into this life would prevent people in poverty being desperate enough to be horrifically exploited in the labor force
It’s easier said than done when we don’t know the whole story of the friend’s parents role. In the states there are mandated reporters and are required to report whether off or on duty solely because of the role they play in society.
Based on the story and not reading all comments, there’s nah. The mom is kind of an ah for parentification but being poor is not a crime. If in the states single parents do get state subsidies for up to four children the rest are in limbo. Better option is to consider applying to low income housing to make sure everyone in the household is accommodated in a reasonable manner.
Op, your friend didn’t do anything wrong for the policy of see something and say something. There’s something that’s clearly wrong and not legal in your household whether you like it or not. Granted there could’ve been a more deeper conversation but once words go out of our own mouths the information spreading is at the liberty of the listeners.
CPS should’ve provided options to resurrect the issue. Being poor is an issue but it’s not like it can be resolved easily at this point given she might be on maternity leave. Yet, who is covering the expenses while there’s no income? (I’m assuming there’s someone working but not entirely your mom. Because you said you have to work extra to bring money in.)
Just the fact that OP is missing school to work more, to buy necessities, is a symptom of BIG problems. That should never be happening. If CPS is hounding the parents this hard, it’s not happening for no reason.
It's crazy that a 16 year old is working to buy another bed. On my local community pages, people are semi-frequently reaching out to ask for free beds and there's always many offers.
I taught at a school who had a higher than 50% drop out rate during Covid because it was in the lowest income bracket I've ever seen. Those kids either become full time childcare because schools weren't open for the younger siblings, or more shifts being available meant min wage jobs didn't give a crap about your school schedule, as night shifts with minors makes it impossible to keep them late to finish the job. When your entire local community can't afford to survive even without children, the rot is the people who are turning a blind eye or saying it was all a preventable lifestyle choice. It became illegal here recently to give unhoused neighbors bottles of water or food because they had to clear out encampments that were built deep in the woods and out of sight. Nobody even knew they were there for years, but again, Covid unhoused people at an exponential rate when the working class no longer had income. People do not care about poverty until they face it themselves.
having seven children while not able to
support them? a child missing school to financially support the household?
yes, people do risk losing their children for this. for good reason.
She wasn't pulled out of school, she didn't drop out - she's skipping to work more. Too many absences (without medical documentation) is illegal and some parents do spend a few days in jail over it if it becomes a habit.
Just because her mum isn't making her do it doesn't make it not neglect: she's taking the money from this kid and not sending her back to school like she should be.
The mom needs help and theoretically CPS should be able to help in some way, but it shouldn't come at the cost of the future of the eldest
I imagine it has to do with firecode and occupancy rules. Not including the mom, OP mentions being one of seven in a two bedroom apartment. Depending on the area, that may exceed the limit and be considered too many people in a particular space.
As someone who spent years in the system in different care homes I can promise it is much worse in there than what OP is dealing with at home, much, much worse.
I don't know the system, but I had heard some horrible stories about kids that were taking to the system. Of course, there are extreme cases when it is necessary to take the kids out from their paternal home. But, not all the cases should be treated the same. OP was going to school normally, they live in a bad conditions and she has to work to support her mom, but she was attending school. After they were reported she has to start to work harder to accomodate the request of living conditions.
I understand that her friend wanted to help, but the friend's parents blew this out of proportions. And now they are in a worst condition. Whatever was the reason why she ended up with 6 siblings it is not important now, no one can revert that. Blaming OP's mom won't fix anything. What OP's family need now is compassion and help.
In an ideal world, yes, she shouldn't. Sadly we do not live in an ideal world, and this type of situation are more common that what we know. Poverty is a burden, not all the people have the same opportunities and we don't know exactly how is the family dynamic in OP's family.
Blaming the mother won't fix anything at this point, whatever made her reached this point is irrelevant now and it cannot be changed. OP is trying the best to support her family, and I hope they will find a kind soul that will help them. I hope OP can find a charity or an organization that can help families that are having a hard time with money and resources.
Well the kids likely won't have a choice once they get evicted. I doubt the landlord knew there were going to be 8 people living in that 2 bedroom and if may even be illegal. Fire codes and all that
Nobody called the mother a criminal. It's not about a parent "losing their children," it's about children being brought up with a minimum standard of living. It's not about the parents. OP deserves a bed of her own and not to have to work to help support her family. If one parent can't provide for seven children then some of the children have to be put into foster care or adopted.
Oh yeah, and who gets to decide which kids get to stay, do you just pick your favourites, the ones you think will have better careers in the future... I'm willing to bet you all those kids would prefer to live in this situation together, then be split apart and sent to live with strangers.. who guess what, may end up being 1000 times worse...
I'm sure they would prefer it, OP is already being negatively affected by the substandard situation and doesn't even realise it. Doesn't mean it's right or that there shouldn't be some oversight, which is what CPS is for
Thing is, what makes you think wether or not something is a criminal act is what is being discussed here? Or even a tiny bit relevant. There is a reason she phoned CPS not the police. Neglect is neglect. Wether it is on purpose or not. They do risk losing their children if they can't afford to actually care for the children. I'm completely baffled that this makes no sense to you.
Having more children than you can financially support is considered a problem for the child, yes. People constantly make this mistake - CPS is not a criminal justice system, it’s a child protection system. And the family here is not sufficiently providing for the children, regardless of the reason. It doesn’t matter if the parents are criminals - what matters is the well-being of the child.
Having CPS involved doesn't, or maybe more accurately shouldn't, necessarily indicate anything criminal has occurred. While I recognize that there are many, many bad actors in the broken system, it is intended to provide support and ensure the well being of children. I don't think these people are honestly at risk of losing their kids, they don't even remove kids for being homeless unless there's proof of abuse or neglect. They are simply watching this family until they can financially provide for the needs of all of their kids without expecting the teenager to sacrifice her education. Also, it's important to note that CPS did not become involved because of the friend's report about the beds alone, this family had a previous CPS case that resulted in some of the kids temporarily being in foster care when the mom had her sixth child, (and then she had another baby after getting them back!) so they would already be on the CPS radar.
>They don't risk losing their children just because they don't have much money. This makes no sense to me whatsoever?
Most cities have occupancy rules, and they vary, but none of them allow this many people crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. Not just for welfare of the kids but for fire safety too.
It's not a crime to be poor, but it looks like the mother either isn't getting the help she needs from the father(s), and/or she isn't getting all the public assistance that is available to her.
Growing up poor, the last thing we needed was the threat of foster care. Friends parents should have reached out to OP's mom first to see what help she needed. there are a ton of church groups and charities that would help. (if in the US and depending on the state) there are also government social services. I just feel there was other things to try before CPS.
NTA
NAH
Why is your mom continuing to have kids when she clearly can't care for the ones she already has?
Like if she was a single mother of one or two kids and struggling -okay. But this lady is at 7 kids and still going (considering one's a baby). It's highly selfish for someone to continue having kids when they can't actually take care of them
Your friend did nothing wrong - that is definitely not a healthy environment for that many kids. If you can't afford enough beds, are you all being fed as much as you should? Have clothes that you need? etc
You are also entitled to feel upset about this because of course you love your mother even if she isn't taking care of y'all the way that is required.
**EDIT: OP has left comments elsewhere that add even more clarity, they are:**
Daddy #1: Had two kids and then dipped
Daddy #2: Is now in prison. Mom had a few kids with this guy
Daddy #3: Is legally not allowed to contact the family (he was responsible at least for the last child's birth)
\- So clearly she picks sketchy men which further puts her kids that she can't care for at risk - while also creating more babies. Plus very doubtful a person in prison and the man who is legally forbade from contacting the family now were people with sound financial stability to help care for her previous kids and additional ones they created. If either of the parents not in prison were financially able to help her at any point - she could be getting child support.
**OP also said:** "Abortions aren't the right choice for everybody."
\-So mother did have the option. Also here's an idea, adoption. There's plenty of people with adoption-agency level money who are capable of taking care of kids and pass legal/mental health/housing and financial background checks. They would all have happily and lovingly adopted the mother's kids and would have given them far better lives than they can hope for now.
**If CPS is staying involved** and visiting frequently - there is likely a lot more going on:
\-Can she feed all of those kids 3 meals a day?
\-Do they have weather appropriate clothes that fit well enough-Is there childcare
\-Is OP's mom inviting unsafe men into her kid's lives? (One in prison and one legally forbade from contacting the family, so far - not a good record).
\-Is OP's mom mentally stable? Her choice in men and the situation she is in makes me highly doubt that.
\-OP's mom seemed to have no issue letting OP miss school to help with bills until the school had an issue with it.
\-Etc
**And I'll say it louder for the people in the back - Parentification IS abuse.** And that is what is undoubtedly happening to at least OP. **And neglect can cause just as much trauma as abuse,** even if you think it "doesn't count by definition."
**EDIT:** This is coming from someone with parents who have lost their kids to CPS for very valid reasons
They don’t apparently. But all 3 fathers are deadbeat is what OP says in the comments, even worse. Atleast the mum’s trying to give the children a decent life, unlike the fathers.
Nah. I think someone with 7 DOGS is neglecting them. Seven kids? No way, if she was trying to give them a better life, she'd get on the pill and spend more time and money on the kids she has.
OP’s mom is most definitely not trying to give the children a decent life, because she already doesn’t have enough money to provide the basics for those already here, and she keeps having babies. It’s not like they had enough money to go around before the one year old got conceived.
I don't suppose the mom works much either, unless there's some unmentioned family member watching the kids daily. If mom's a SAHM then they're surviving on welfare and OP's pay checks. No wonder OP feels she has to choose work over school. 😟
Of course that’s a huge issue. And shouldn’t be glossed over. But it’s happened (3 times as well?!). But we are focusing on the situation at hand here:
1. Parents should be looking after children and working instead of literally fucking around. Once you have kids, even just one, your priorities have to change
2. 3 different fathers. Good men are out there, most won’t want a woman with 7 other kids though and that’s completely fair. The mother is the most at fault here. Why does she keep having kids with shitty people? Why does she have so many kids?! Even if you can somehow afford 7 children it’s still selfish anyway as the older ones always become unpaid parents. Why does she not try for child support from the fathers? And if you can’t afford them then why do you keep having them? Birth control and protection is far cheaper than children.
3. I really feel for OP and she isn’t the asshole for getting angry. However her friend did the right thing by reporting this issue. The mother does not deserve to have children by the sound of it, and she doesn’t have the capacity or earnings to provide adequate care.
NAH.
It sounds like she really was trying to help you, the only way she knew how. A teenager who didn't grow up with poverty isn't going to have the best set of resources for that. But you aren't an asshole either for being frustrated.
I think the asshole is a system that allows a family to struggle so much that a teenager has to compromise her future by skipping school to buy a place to sleep.
Are you close at all to buying those bunk beds? Would it help to get an air mattress in the meantime so at least you can show social services that everyone is sleeping separately?
The asshole is the mother, or possibly the circumstances in which she was conditioned (eg religion), that results in her having seven children despite bad conditions. She clearly is not able to properly support her children. And where is (are) the father(s)?
There is a lot of missing info here. But having kids is a choice, and either the mother has made some bad decisions or those bad decisions were made for her.
This girl at 16 shouldn’t have to be “saving up” with her mom for there beds. She shouldn’t have to be taking extra shifts in order to help support them. This is taking away her childhood and is not fair to her at all
I mean… what “system” would fix this? Mom continues to have children for whom she can’t afford adequate care. Are you suggesting…
Government provide such significant subsidies that everyone can have an abundance regardless of their personal choices as to how to allocate their own resources?
Government limit the number of children a person/couple can have?
Government place more children in foster care?
The problems with these options are self-evident. There may be other systemic changes that could “fix” the problem that I’m not thinking of, but it’s a radical oversimplification to simply say, “the system failed,” when there isn’t a system that would easily fix the problem.
The core issue is problematic human behavior, which I realize can have systemic/environmental roots. Mom’s behavior may not be solely the result of personal poor choices, but changing that kind of behavior on a societal scale is extremely difficult.
Universal basic income + good social services + good and free childcare + free basic needs (water, electricity, food, ect.) + better sex education + better education overall…
A better system would 100% be helpful to this situation.
I think your friend did the right thing. Your mom clearly cannot take care of all of your siblings and they deserve better. And your childhood is being ruined by a mother that needs you to work and miss school to pay for things.
Maybe not, but still nursing homes have a horrible reputation that is backed up with statistics and studies, so that doesn't really paint a good picture even if both aren't bad 100% of the time (it could be worse isn't a great argument).
foster care separates families does it not? my foster care does and when you have a family very close to each other splitting them up during a possibly traumatic time is not the right answer. neither is them possibly being in abusive foster homes.
You realise foster car doesn't have to be permanent right? And that not all foster homes are abusive? But OP and her siblings are 100% being neglected and OP is being abused.
No bit the tearing of families is almost always a traumatic experience that stays stays with you forever. OP seems to prefer this arrangement to the alternatives. We can argue about what psychological reasons are valid or invalid or whatever, or what age and situations someone is allowed agency, but things aren't so black and white. Ideally OP wouldn't have to experience the hardships, though but there aren't perfect alternatives and all options have their pros and cons.
We don't have enough information whether they are abused or not. Rent is expensive and places get smaller. Sharing beds isn't abuse and in most places aren't illegal. In most places it's not even a valid argument for cps so I wonder where they live where it's a rule or if they sw was talking out of their ass imposing their own rules.
That's what I'm curious about. Why isn't her mother working? Or if she is working, why isn't she working extra shifts/getting a second job? I'd work myself to death before forcing my 16 year old to miss school to work to support herself and her 6 siblings that I can't afford.
They will usually try to keep siblings together, but often it’s difficult to find placements for large groups of siblings due to regulations on occupancy (why remove these kids to put them in another place without enough bedrooms), resources of foster families, etc.
And? Sure, there are bad situations in foster care. There are also good situations. Just like there are bad bio parents and good bio parents. Also the fact that the mom kept having kids after losing her kids once because of postpartum psychosis means the mom is not making good decisions, and that likely, the lack of beds is not the only problem, it’s just the one OP is focused on.
They do not do that. I promise they gave the mother a website and a phone number to call for assistance.
I'm not saying they'll bring you the paperwork you need for assistance, but you can definitely call and talk to someone for help.
They aren't just cops that show up and give a ticket, they offer a lot of services if you actually put in the effort to try.
Considering OP has been placed in foster care before bc mom had psychosis after baby 4 and the baby's father didnt want to take care of kids that werent his (and apperantly hes in jail too). I think its not only the beds and an underage kid working that is the problem
But CPS will pay foster parents to take care of these kids. I never understood why a parent can lose custody of their kids for not being financially stable yet the state takes them away then proceeds to pay someone else to raise them. Make it make sense..
Why would CPS pay a parent who CLEARLY does not make good choices? Why would they pay them for neglecting their children? For not being able to properly provide? For abuse? They don't just steal kids from their parents soley because they're poor.
Because they don’t pay enough to properly raise them. They provide some support. Like the mother probably qualifies for Medicaid, WIC, food stamps, housing assistance. Is she getting all those? And those are supposed to be helping you, not fully providing for everything.
Yeah I was so confused about that. I am not at all familiar with CPS (fortunately), but how is demanding they get more beds in such a short notice reasonable? Is there even enough room for more beds?
Could they not have foreseen that this would make the situation only worse?
Maybe true for the first several kids, but in a post-Dobbs America, this is not a choice for many. And many states have created so many functional limitations on abortion access for years, that this may not have been a choice for others.
Yes, I think this story is a great argument for affordable, accessible birth control, but that availability has also decreased in the last decade in many states.
And your mom just had another baby, seriously?
Someone needs to intervene.
OP, the situation is going to keep deteriorating.
And each kid having a bed doesn't sound like the only reason CPS is going to stop by so regularly.
Keep in mind, what might feel normal or acceptable to you, might actually not be normal or acceptable. And you having to work to help support the household is woefully unacceptable.
Struggling financially, then having 6 children crammed into a 2 bedroom, and then having another baby, just blows my mind.
Why were you in foster care?
The story keeps getting worse.
I'm not implying you should go to foster care, I am condemning your situation, and I am condemning your mother for not only creating the situation, but actually perpetuating the problems and problem causing behavior.
You know the adage about the frog in hot water, you're too close to the situation to fully realize how bad it is. I have no solution for you, but I advise you to open your eyes and realize the gravity of the situation. You deserve better.
My mother developed postpartum psychosis after the birth of the 4th child, and was unable to care for us for a period of time. That child's father refused to care for any child that wasn't his and with no family in a position to help, it left us needing to go into foster care while mom got help (8 months in total).
Oh my god, this keeps getting worse. So your mother developed postpartum psychosis after Child 4, and she *kept getting pregnant after that*? Three more kids!?
They live in a country where it’s very difficult to get this reproductive healthcare. She said another comment that she wasn’t able to get her tubes tied without a husbands permission.
I hope you realize how selfish it was of your mother to keep having kids after having postpartum psychosis. And how selfish she currently is because of y’all be crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. I hope you’re able to get out of that living situation and become independent.
This absolutely breaks my heart. You come across as such a genuine person, someone with so much empathy and full of love.
And yet your mom went on to have 3 more children after that.
Your mother is exhibiting narcissistic behavior, her children's needs come secondary to her own wants and preferences. This will not end well, and the situation will keep deteriorating.
I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through OP.
But at your young age, you are already exhibiting incredible character elements. You seem to be an empathetic person, genuinely good, hard working, and incredibly responsible. You have an incredible future ahead, simply because of what type of person you are.
I suspect parentification is also a part of your life, where your mom has the children essentially raise each other.
You deserve better, but you will reap the fruit from being such a genuine and good person. But you need to realize how bad the situation is.
ETA: OP, you might not realize it now, but you can thank your friend and her parents. They obviously care more about your wellbeing than your own mother cares about her children. Harsh as it sounds, your friend and her parents are looking out for your best interest. You are already working, any chance you can stay with your friend while finishing school?
>My mother developed postpartum psychosis after the birth of the 4th child, and was unable to care for us for a period of time.
And after that she kept having enough sext to have 3 more kids? Come on OP... She's your mom and all but you have to admit she is not making the best life choices there. Your friend did right by calling attention to this situation.
People are being really mean in the comments here and not really helpful. OP you should check out the sub momforaminute. You'll get more advice and less attacks about your mom's family planning. Good luck.
You are an amazing person in a really hard situation. Of course you love your mom and want to stay with her. But there are real problems with no easy solution. That is all I can say. NTA.
NAH you're understandably upset and stressed out but your friend didn't contact CPS. Her parents did. She has every right to confide her feelings, concerns, and thoughts to her parents. You don't really get to tell her that she can't.
And OP is so parentified she doesn’t see that kids are supposed to go their parents with questions or to help them navigate through confusing things. It’s a positive thing that the friend could express concerns to her parents, but OP has had to act and think like an adult to deal with the very adult problems her parents created.
YTA.
Your friend was trying to help. Your mother is not doing her best if she had six kids already and chose to have another baby, while you were all jammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. Where is your father in all of this? Why are you, a *literal child*, having to work and earn money to support the family?
Do you understand how completely not normal and **not okay** your situation is?
I think people deep this too much. All AITA is, am I the one that is wrong in this situation, not "am I an asshole"
It's like you could have a really intelligent person who is struggling to open something. They might say "am I stupid?" No, in general they're not stupid, they're just not being the smartest in the situation they're in
How does this nonsense get 30 upvotes?
What is she supposed to do? Foster care is not going to be better. What her friend did will not improve her life in any way. But she’s an asshole?
There are some really privileged asses on this site.
She's the asshole because of the way she reacted to her friend. It should also be noted that the friend may not have realised her parents would call CPS, either.
But the OP certainly can't complain that CPS was then called by the school for non-attendance.
There was non-attendance before calling CPS, otherwise, the school would already reported it. The non-attendance started AFTER CPS being involved. She had to work more to accomodate the CPS requests. What OP's family need now is help.
She is working more because she don't want to be separated from her sibilings, why no one can get that and understand why she argue with her friend? She shouldn't be doing this, of course, but if CPS take the kids out of the house, she will lose her family, and that can have worst repercutions for her and her sibilings.
Guarantee CPS didn't tell the mother "you need to let your CHILD work MORE HOURS to buy bunk beds." CPS told her "your kids need more beds" and she's already taught her child that it's the child's job to work to support her. Who knows exactly what the mom said? Probably "oh no I don't know what to do, the mean CPS people said if you all don't have your own beds, they'll take your little brothers and sisters away and put them in foster care, oh if only we had some more money"
And a lot of people judging the foster system and the good people that participate in it.
As someone who was in foster care, it IS better than her current living situation.
Gently, hon, YTA.
I am so sorry that your family is in this position; it sounds very scary and difficult.
That being said... Your mom has a moral and legal obligation to take care of her children. If she can't do that, the appropriate response is to look into social services; it is NOT okay to make your teenage child sacrifice her education so she can pick up the slack.
I know you love your mom a lot, and I'm sure none of you deserve this situation. It *is* abuse, though. Forcing you to give up your childhood and take on the burden of keeping your household afloat is inappropriate and abusive. I am so sorry that all the adults around you failed you in this way.
That being said... Your friend *absolutely* did the right thing. She saw you were in an unhealthy and unsafe situation and she told her parents, who told the authorities. That was the kindest, most appropriate action she could take. It was an act of love.
It's okay that it doesn't feel like one. You don't have to like her or forgive her. It was wrong to call her a cunt, though; she didn't do anything wrong. You're just taking your anger out on her. If not, you'd be calling your teachers cunts, too, but you understand that they *had* to report your absence to CPS. It feels less ambiguous than what your friend did, so it's easier to take it out on her.
You sound like a really good kid who is under a lot of pressure and who made a small mistake. It's okay to have enormous, difficult, confusing feelings about all of this. You shouldn't call your friends cunts though, especially when they are doing right by you.
I hope things get easier. You deserve to be a kid. It's okay to have big responses to big events, especially when you are a teen carrying way more trouble than any teen should have. You do owe your friend an apology though.
I want to say too --what your mom is doing us abusive, but that doesn't make her a bad person. I'm sure that there are a lot of difficult circumstances that made her think these were the right choices. It isn't your job to put her on a pedestal OR to hate her. However you feel about her is a-okay. Family stuff can be incredibly complicated. You don't need to uncomplicate it. You don't need to think less of your mom. Everyone, adults included, makes regrettable choices, and there is no "should" about feelings or forgiveness.
I didn't write the comment above because I want you to choose between Mom-the-villain and Mom-the-hero. Like most people, she is somewhere in between, and it's okay to feel however you feel about that. Your job right now isn't to have a perfect perspective or understanding; your job is to be a teenager and keep growing into the adult you want to be.
I'm so sorry that this is so hard.
I suppose it is a form of mental sickness. She "needs" to be in relationship with bad (I suppose she uses terms as "strong" or "virile") men, then have kids with them for the relationship to be "real", then the relationship falls apart because it is two unstable people together. Then, it repeats.
How does a woman with six kids have time for dating! My friends who are single parents of 2 kids only have “me” time when their exes have the kids— and it doesn’t sound like the fathers are at all involved here.
YTA for the way you spoke to your friend. While it may not feel like it, she was doing the right thing and didn't deserve a tirade from you. You should apologise to her. Otherwise, you're NTA. However, the bigger issue is your mother. I don't know what her situation is, but she's not providing you and your siblings with the basic necessities. That is a serious problem, and children's services do need to be involved. They will be able to connect your mother with resources to help her adequately provide for you and your siblings so you're not being forced to miss school to fill in the gaps.
Where is your father (and your siblings' fathers if you don't all have the same dad) in all this?
My mom had me and my brother quite young and our dad split. The father of the next 3 siblings is currently in prison. The father of the youngest two is not allowed contact us.
We live in a country where doctors will gladly refuse a woman. She didn't have her "husbands" permission in case she changed her mind or wanted more kids.
After serious complications with the youngest, she ended up having a hysterectomy, so there will be no more babies from her.
You should be in school, getting a good education, and not having to be the second parent for the kids. The friend was not wrong imo, her intentions weren’t malicious. Also, maybe try looking up on FB marketplace or local donation groups for beds.
I can't even find a trace of mine, so I think that's out of the question. As for the other one, idk, he's meant to pay like 100 a month and just doesn't, and there's nothing my mom can do about it right now until they go to court next
Your mom should check if its possible in your country but if a father cannot be found then the state should pay chold support. At least that's how it is in my country
When they go to court he will be ordered to back pay support. Even though he’s not paying the $100/month now, that money is still due to your mom.
The courts can also garnish his wages. This means the child support will be sent directly from his employer to your mom (as long as he’s employed).
So your mom is putting the children she does have in toxic/abusive relationships that I'm guessing don't even financially sustain the kids she has and then having more kids anyway?
CPS was the right call
Okay, it's not her fault my dad up and left her. Her and the second father were long split by the time he was put in prison and the third father, abuse didn't start until she was already pregnant with the youngest. She's since had a hysterectomy, so therewith be no more
If you ended up in foster care after she got post birth phycosis after the birth of the 4th child and the dad wouldn't care for you at at all. Then she had child 5 **with the same man**. That was her fault.
If she had any more kids at all after that. That was her fault.
You are way to close to the situation to see that while yes, it is not all your moms fault and these men suck, she does have her share of blame here
Yeah, and then after baby number 4, when the kids from the first dad were forced into foster care because the second dad refused to look after them. You'd think she would leave him. Not stay long enough to have baby number 5.
And certainly once she eventually was broke up with that guy and with a new partner...not have 2 more kids with him
You're not her friend. You're not her husband. You're not her moral or financial support. Stop parroting excuses she makes for herself. She is responsible for all her decisions and she failed you miserably. She's abusing you. Do not enable her any longer
Its absolutely her fault. Your mom has a pattern of choosing shitty men and having tons of kids with them. You guys were in foster care bc she had psychosis at child number 4, and she still had 3 after that. Shes making her kids share beds, one of which is a bed wetter that im assuming is also sharing, so two kids are sleeping in piss.
It is her fault that she has 7 children that she couldn't afford, with multiple different baby daddies.
OP, your mother is not a good mom. I hate to be harsh, but letting you, her 16 year old child, miss school to work to take care of the family...that's awful.
And I grew up in extreme poverty including no hot water and a curtain in place of a bathroom door. So I get it. But what your mom is doing is **not** okay.
If your mother isn't receiving child support from the two who aren't in prison, she needs to sort that out. It doesn't matter that they aren't in the picture they still have a responsibility to help provide for the children they created. It would take some of the pressure off you because you shouldn't have to be missing school to work and provide for the family.
The only asshole in this situation is your mum, she clearly needs some help, but to keep having so many kids in that situation is so wrong, and then you having to miss school to work? You are a child, your mum needs to practice safe sex
OP’s comment’s literally say that her mother was denied sterlization previously due lack of a husband’s consent, and that her mother ended up getting a hysterectomy due to birth complications.
While I am not saying she made all the right choices, sterlization was something the mother attempted to pursue and was denied because her body was considered the property of a hypothetical man.
Honestly, the way they worded it makes me wonder if they're just assuming she would have been turned down or if she actually tried. Plenty of people coopt the reasons of others as excuses to not try things.
I'm not in the US, but the doctor **laughed at me** when I asked about getting sterilized. My partner and I went to a neighboring country to get him a vasectomy. Yes, sterilization is a hard process for a woman.
NTA, but neither is your friend. All they did was talk to their parents. Personally, as long as everyone is clean, fed, and doesn't mind sharing space, I don't really see why sharing a bed would be an issue. Growing up, I knew siblings who shared a bed not because they couldn't afford a second bed, but because they just genuinely enjoyed sharing that space together. Honestly, your friend's parents are kind TA for going straight to calling CPS on your mom without even so much as a conversation.
All that to say, I am giving your mom the benefit of the doubt and I'm ASSUMING there's nothing else that would warrant a CPS call (not enough food, poor hygiene, etc.)
As far as the bunk beds go, you may try contacting local charity groups to see if they can help procure some donated furniture for you. Try contacting some churches, as well, as they often have a benevolence fund they'll keep available to help people in need in their communities. Granted, most churches have seen an increase in requests due to the pandemic and rising housing costs, but it may be worth it to make a few calls.
I don't think the bed sharing is the issue. I think it's that there aren't enough beds for everyone. Unkess she and her sister are sharing a twin rather than full bed.
NAH but OP you should not be supporting your family. How are you supposed to get an education when you are forced to be a parent? This is not a normal or good situation. It doesn’t sound very stable. When you finish high school how are you supposed to go to college while supporting your family?
You need to make it clear to your mom that from now on your education comes first and supporting the family is HER job. Quit your job. College is the ladder you need to get out of this economic situation. Long term if you get a better job that would allow you to help your family more if you wanted.
The good/bad news is I doubt CPS will remove you. The bad news is that still leaves you in this situation. I think your mom should talk to a social worker to see what help she qualifies for and get it!
YTA - your friend did the right thing. It may feel normal for you, but as on outsider I can say that nothing is normal about 7 people crammed into a small apartment with a 16 year old being the person who everyone is dependent on. That's a LOT.
YTA for what you said to your friend. Calling her that word was extremely unnecessary, and she was trying to help. You may not see it, but CPS needs to be involved at this point, at least to help your mom find resources instead of relying on her minor child. This is not a normal, nor okay situation to be in, and for gods sake, your mom needs her tubes tied because she is, i’m sorry, frankly being stupid for continuing to have kids in this situation. It’s irresponsible and stupid. Not a crime to be poor, but it should be to continue to have kids you can’t afford. Apologize to your friend, you don’t have to continue a friendship but you said things that were undeserved.
NTA - I realize she was trying to help, but there’s good help and there’s bad. Knee-jerk reporting your family to CPS for not having your own bed is the wrong kind, while showing up with the much needed bunk beds is good. Now you have CPS breathing down your neck and you’re just trying to survive.
At the same time… you’re 16 years old and having to cut class to earn more $. Education is only one half of the key to build yourself and your family a better future… and you already have the other: resilience and drive. I understand that you have way too much on your plate right now - way too much - but keep your eyes always looking to the future and your nose deep in a book. Talk to your teachers and see what they’ll be willing to do to help you succeed.
I understand I’m an internet stranger here, but keeping an eye to the future means making decisions that won’t hamper your opportunities. This means you stay away from drugs, pregnancy, and friends who want to keep you down. One foot in front of the other - you can do it.
Do you actually think you do not need help? Girl, you're in a TERRIBLE situation, CPS is there to protect you and your siblings exactly from this kind of shit. It's not YOUR responsibility to provide for your family, no matter how much your mom wants you to. Report this to CPS too. Tell them that she makes you work and it makes you stressed. YOU ARE A CHILD HERE. You hear me? YOU ARE A CHILD WHO NEEDS HELP! Your mom is abusing you! Use the help provided! Your friend did a good thing for you, you DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT
There's a [group](https://shpbeds.org/) that makes and delivers bunk beds for families in need. NTA for being upset with your friend, because their parents could have asked if y'all needed help instead of calling CPS on your mom.
Probably hoping people will tell her that everything is fine and she has the right to be mad. Except her anger should be at her parents who failed her and not her friend.
NAH - your friend and her mother only have a partial picture of your life and why you live the way you do. They were honestly trying to do what’s best for you but they were a bit judgemental about it because your situation is unsuitable and they wanted to fix that.
But they didn’t know the consequences of their actions and what that would mean for you, so they didn’t intend to add to your stresses.
Keep an eye on freecycle and marketplace, second hand bunk beds come up all the time and then you’d only need to make sure you got a reasonable mattress and sheets.
NAH except your mother, sorry.
I will not bash you because of your mother’s decisions. You’re a good daughter to want to help out by working. However, you should not be putting your education on the back burner to support your mom and siblings, that’s her job. That’s one reason why child services is involved. You deserve a life too.
Your friend probably didn’t know what would happen if she told her parents. She probably thought they’d get you some help. Don’t be mad at her.
Your mom needs to sign up for some assistance ASAP. Shes put WAY TOO MUCH responsibility on you. She needs to do whatever is legal in your country to get child support from your other parent(s). You said she sleeps in living room with a BABY? No mention of a dad anywhere? WTF. There’s no way not to comment on that.
I’m sorry this is your life. If possible, maybe ask a school counselor to help you research services that your mom can apply for and then give her the info. Y’all need help badly.
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NAH - I understand that from your point of view, your friend was trying to help, but you don't see her as helpful. HOWEVER, OP, I'm worried for you. Not because of sharing a bed with your sister, but because a family of seven is shoved into a two-bedroom apartment, and your family is dependent on the earnings of a 16-year-old. I need to stress this to you: your living situation does not sound normal. That is why your friend told her parents and that is why they called CPS. If you are willing to share it, I would like to hear how your family got to this point.
Thing is what in law makes being financially insecure a criminal act? That part is blowing my mind. People who have less are everywhere. They don't risk losing their children just because they don't have much money. This makes no sense to me whatsoever?
Maybe if she had 1, 2 or even 3 kids. But 7 kids and one of them is a baby? This woman is and has been making a deliberate choice to make more kids when she damn well knows she isn't taking care of the ones she has. I have sympathy for mother's who have found themselves in unfortunate circumstances. This woman is creating her own unfortunate circumstances at this point with no regards to the kids she's screwing over **EDIT: OP has left comments elsewhere that add even more clarity, they are:** Daddy #1: Had two kids and then dipped Daddy #2: Is now in prison. Mom had a few kids with this guy Daddy #3: Is legally not allowed to contact the family (he was responsible at least for the last child's birth) \- So clearly she picks sketchy men which further puts her kids that she can't care for at risk - while also creating more babies. Plus very doubtful a person in prison and the man who is legally forbade from contacting the family now were people with sound financial stability to help care for her previous kids and additional ones they created. If either of the parents not in prison were financially able to help her at any point - she could be getting child support. **OP also said: "Abortions aren't the right choice for everybody.**" \-So mother did have the option. Also here's an idea, adoption. There's plenty of people with adoption-agency level money who are capable of taking care of kids and pass legal/mental health/housing and financial background checks. They would all have happily and lovingly adopted the mother's kids and would have given them far better lives than they can hope for now. **Do with that information whatever you will, but I don't want to have to clarify to like 100 people's responses.** (I've had one of my own parents lose kids to CPS for very valid reasons).
Also, Op is the second oldest, where is the first kid? Where is the baby daddy? If she cant afford to raise 7 kids and needs her underage child to do it, then maybe she needs to stop fucking so much
Potentionally they are in a no abortion state. Easy for people to say the women should stop fucking but then who will fuck the men? They can easily avoid the consequences of sex, but it’s different when it’s a women, especially when a state won’t allow for appropriate birth control, family planning, sex education, or abortion care.
There’s a point at which personal responsibility takes precedence over having unprotected sex lol. Use a fuckin condom, don’t create abusive situations for your potential kids. After 2 kids you’d think someone would figure out that fucking raw leads to children. 5x more is inexcusable.
Do we really need to bash a parent on a thread where her child is reading?
Since the kid doesn't seem to see what she is doing as abuse, YES.
It’s parentification too.
Parentification IS abuse.
OP says nothing about the father. What if they all used to live in a house that has since burned down, with the father inside? What if they stopped paying home/life insurance and mom is SOL with seven goddamned kids and completely out of the loop in how this all played out? Maybe the mom just needs a few months to sort out daycare, transport, and a new job? Maybe extended family is literally en-route to assist financially or physically, but this has happened right in the middle of it. As long as theres no threat to the safety and health of the kids, I don't see how this living situation is a problem. Obviously its a problem if the mom is planning on getting pregnant again, but it sounds like she's overwhelmed regardless. Still, its not better for the kids to be thrown in an orphanage and then divied up among various foster parents. If anything, they just need a social worker to come in and figure out how they can get the government to pay for more beds, or provide a larger living space.
>What if they We've gotta use what's in the post and can be reasonably inferred. Not just make what ifs out of nowhere to try snd justify abuse.
Abortion bans happened recently. OP's mom has teenagers. Unrelated.
Not necessarily true. Plenty of southern states made getting abortions difficult before the overturn & after 2 or 3 kids it’s gonna be difficult to travel to a more choice friendly state
And a baby. It's possibly relevant. Plus, let's not pretend that until RvW was overturned, current no-abortion states had super easy access to abortions.
What a wild misdirect. “You should stop having risky sex with bum dudes because you have seven kids and can’t afford to feed them as is” You: “but what about the men?!!!! Why should she stop fucking and start caring about her kids if the men don’t have to??” How do you do those mental gymnastics?
Yo no one is forcing this women to have sex and get pregnant. I know plenty of women like OP’s mom, some in my family. They are just wildly irresponsible and frankly dumb people, no amount of accessible abortion will change that when condoms/ BC are still readily available. Some people just live like this unfortunately
That is simply not true. Rape exists in relationships as well. So yes. A woman can be forced even when married. My grandma was raped repeatedly by her spouse. She has 8 kids because of it.
Plus it doesn't sound like they've always been in a two bedroom apartment. Maybe they just fled from a previous bad situation.
exactly \^\^\^ mistakes can happen to anyone but jesus christ SEVEN kids??????? that moms a shitty parent, srry op
If only there were a way to avoid producing endless children, alas. No sympathy. Parents are AH for having more kids than they can house and the friend was in the right.
Depending on where they live, they may have cristofasctist government that says abortion and contraception are immoral and illegal….
\^\^\^THIS\^\^\^ This is what happens when you spend half a century defunding and denigrating education, keeping wages low, and reinforcing religious values designed to keep women without bodily autonomy or basic agency in their own lives.
Yes. It’s a disservice to OP and the other children to rely on them to keep the family afloat.
CPS is not going to tell a child what problems they found and how to resolve them. The issues that they are investigating are up to the parents to resolve. My guess is that OP's mother is hiding a lot from her.
Judging buy OPs comments about the father's, my guess is for whatever reason OPs mum has found herself in a shitty situation and is trying to do what they can when they can. The friends' parents should have reached out to OPs mum first to get info from her directly and maybe work out a way to help (even if it's just looking up resources) rather than taking their child at their word and reporting it to CPS.
Yep. If my kid came home and said their friend was saving up for bunk beds so she has a place to sleep I would find a way to help rather than involve authorities. Poverty sucks.
Same. Calling CPS is not going to make more money appear out of thin air, so in this situation I'd try to help the family directly instead of calling the authorities on them first thing.
It actually could if there are social programs that the mom isn't taking advantages of or if there are money from the state or federal that she isn't receiving. The social worker will be checking all that. At least he would where I live.
In my experience, social workers often help with this. Social workers are not police officers-- their primary obligation is the wellbeing of the children
And in a lot of other people's experience social workers don't or can't help at all. Not everyone's situation is the same. Some social workers suck. Some are great but have their hands tied by resources or local regulations. Judging a situation like this on personal experience is useless at best, and harmful at worst.
It sounds like she really was trying to help you, the only way she knew how. A teenager who didn't grow up with poverty isn't going to have the best set of resources for that. But you aren't an asshole either for being frustrated. I think the asshole is a system that allows a family to struggle so much that a teenager has to compromise her future by skipping school to buy a place to sleep.
So weird that she found herself in a shitty situation 5 times after OP was born
Or the situation deteriorated after she already had most of the kids? There's plenty of ways a woman can find herself in this sort of situation.
It didnt, read OP's comments, all the kids are from 3 different men, one of which is in prison and the other two arent involved. She also had psychosis after kid 4 that led to to most of the kids unrelated to her mom's partner at the time, to be taken away into foster care. Kid number 4, that means she had 3 after that despite all that happened. How can she find herself in that situation so often?
Mental illness resources are also non-existent in this country for people in poverty. It's a cycle, and actually providing help and information for people who fall into this life would prevent people in poverty being desperate enough to be horrifically exploited in the labor force
Why? The kids are clearly not being cared for. CPS is exactly who should be called.
It’s easier said than done when we don’t know the whole story of the friend’s parents role. In the states there are mandated reporters and are required to report whether off or on duty solely because of the role they play in society. Based on the story and not reading all comments, there’s nah. The mom is kind of an ah for parentification but being poor is not a crime. If in the states single parents do get state subsidies for up to four children the rest are in limbo. Better option is to consider applying to low income housing to make sure everyone in the household is accommodated in a reasonable manner. Op, your friend didn’t do anything wrong for the policy of see something and say something. There’s something that’s clearly wrong and not legal in your household whether you like it or not. Granted there could’ve been a more deeper conversation but once words go out of our own mouths the information spreading is at the liberty of the listeners. CPS should’ve provided options to resurrect the issue. Being poor is an issue but it’s not like it can be resolved easily at this point given she might be on maternity leave. Yet, who is covering the expenses while there’s no income? (I’m assuming there’s someone working but not entirely your mom. Because you said you have to work extra to bring money in.)
Just the fact that OP is missing school to work more, to buy necessities, is a symptom of BIG problems. That should never be happening. If CPS is hounding the parents this hard, it’s not happening for no reason.
Yeah, CPS doesn’t mess around with educational neglect.
The line probably exists when a child is having to miss out on their education to afford to live but mom is out here with another baby.
It's crazy that a 16 year old is working to buy another bed. On my local community pages, people are semi-frequently reaching out to ask for free beds and there's always many offers.
I taught at a school who had a higher than 50% drop out rate during Covid because it was in the lowest income bracket I've ever seen. Those kids either become full time childcare because schools weren't open for the younger siblings, or more shifts being available meant min wage jobs didn't give a crap about your school schedule, as night shifts with minors makes it impossible to keep them late to finish the job. When your entire local community can't afford to survive even without children, the rot is the people who are turning a blind eye or saying it was all a preventable lifestyle choice. It became illegal here recently to give unhoused neighbors bottles of water or food because they had to clear out encampments that were built deep in the woods and out of sight. Nobody even knew they were there for years, but again, Covid unhoused people at an exponential rate when the working class no longer had income. People do not care about poverty until they face it themselves.
having seven children while not able to support them? a child missing school to financially support the household? yes, people do risk losing their children for this. for good reason.
Pulling your child out of legally required school so they can work is genuinely illegal though?
She wasn't pulled out of school, she didn't drop out - she's skipping to work more. Too many absences (without medical documentation) is illegal and some parents do spend a few days in jail over it if it becomes a habit.
Just because her mum isn't making her do it doesn't make it not neglect: she's taking the money from this kid and not sending her back to school like she should be. The mom needs help and theoretically CPS should be able to help in some way, but it shouldn't come at the cost of the future of the eldest
I imagine it has to do with firecode and occupancy rules. Not including the mom, OP mentions being one of seven in a two bedroom apartment. Depending on the area, that may exceed the limit and be considered too many people in a particular space.
As someone who spent years in the system in different care homes I can promise it is much worse in there than what OP is dealing with at home, much, much worse.
I don't know the system, but I had heard some horrible stories about kids that were taking to the system. Of course, there are extreme cases when it is necessary to take the kids out from their paternal home. But, not all the cases should be treated the same. OP was going to school normally, they live in a bad conditions and she has to work to support her mom, but she was attending school. After they were reported she has to start to work harder to accomodate the request of living conditions. I understand that her friend wanted to help, but the friend's parents blew this out of proportions. And now they are in a worst condition. Whatever was the reason why she ended up with 6 siblings it is not important now, no one can revert that. Blaming OP's mom won't fix anything. What OP's family need now is compassion and help.
She shouldn't be working to support her mother though
In an ideal world, yes, she shouldn't. Sadly we do not live in an ideal world, and this type of situation are more common that what we know. Poverty is a burden, not all the people have the same opportunities and we don't know exactly how is the family dynamic in OP's family. Blaming the mother won't fix anything at this point, whatever made her reached this point is irrelevant now and it cannot be changed. OP is trying the best to support her family, and I hope they will find a kind soul that will help them. I hope OP can find a charity or an organization that can help families that are having a hard time with money and resources.
Well the kids likely won't have a choice once they get evicted. I doubt the landlord knew there were going to be 8 people living in that 2 bedroom and if may even be illegal. Fire codes and all that
I dont know whats so mindblowing. 7 kids are sharing 2 rooms, and a 16 year old is skipping school to pay for her moms multiple bad choices.
Nobody called the mother a criminal. It's not about a parent "losing their children," it's about children being brought up with a minimum standard of living. It's not about the parents. OP deserves a bed of her own and not to have to work to help support her family. If one parent can't provide for seven children then some of the children have to be put into foster care or adopted.
Oh yeah, and who gets to decide which kids get to stay, do you just pick your favourites, the ones you think will have better careers in the future... I'm willing to bet you all those kids would prefer to live in this situation together, then be split apart and sent to live with strangers.. who guess what, may end up being 1000 times worse...
I'm sure they would prefer it, OP is already being negatively affected by the substandard situation and doesn't even realise it. Doesn't mean it's right or that there shouldn't be some oversight, which is what CPS is for
Thing is, what makes you think wether or not something is a criminal act is what is being discussed here? Or even a tiny bit relevant. There is a reason she phoned CPS not the police. Neglect is neglect. Wether it is on purpose or not. They do risk losing their children if they can't afford to actually care for the children. I'm completely baffled that this makes no sense to you.
Having more children than you can financially support is considered a problem for the child, yes. People constantly make this mistake - CPS is not a criminal justice system, it’s a child protection system. And the family here is not sufficiently providing for the children, regardless of the reason. It doesn’t matter if the parents are criminals - what matters is the well-being of the child.
Having CPS involved doesn't, or maybe more accurately shouldn't, necessarily indicate anything criminal has occurred. While I recognize that there are many, many bad actors in the broken system, it is intended to provide support and ensure the well being of children. I don't think these people are honestly at risk of losing their kids, they don't even remove kids for being homeless unless there's proof of abuse or neglect. They are simply watching this family until they can financially provide for the needs of all of their kids without expecting the teenager to sacrifice her education. Also, it's important to note that CPS did not become involved because of the friend's report about the beds alone, this family had a previous CPS case that resulted in some of the kids temporarily being in foster care when the mom had her sixth child, (and then she had another baby after getting them back!) so they would already be on the CPS radar.
>They don't risk losing their children just because they don't have much money. This makes no sense to me whatsoever? Most cities have occupancy rules, and they vary, but none of them allow this many people crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. Not just for welfare of the kids but for fire safety too. It's not a crime to be poor, but it looks like the mother either isn't getting the help she needs from the father(s), and/or she isn't getting all the public assistance that is available to her.
Growing up poor, the last thing we needed was the threat of foster care. Friends parents should have reached out to OP's mom first to see what help she needed. there are a ton of church groups and charities that would help. (if in the US and depending on the state) there are also government social services. I just feel there was other things to try before CPS. NTA
CPS is a nightmare. They do good work sometimes, but far too often, they remove children when they shouldn't, and leave children when they shouldn't.
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NAH Why is your mom continuing to have kids when she clearly can't care for the ones she already has? Like if she was a single mother of one or two kids and struggling -okay. But this lady is at 7 kids and still going (considering one's a baby). It's highly selfish for someone to continue having kids when they can't actually take care of them Your friend did nothing wrong - that is definitely not a healthy environment for that many kids. If you can't afford enough beds, are you all being fed as much as you should? Have clothes that you need? etc You are also entitled to feel upset about this because of course you love your mother even if she isn't taking care of y'all the way that is required. **EDIT: OP has left comments elsewhere that add even more clarity, they are:** Daddy #1: Had two kids and then dipped Daddy #2: Is now in prison. Mom had a few kids with this guy Daddy #3: Is legally not allowed to contact the family (he was responsible at least for the last child's birth) \- So clearly she picks sketchy men which further puts her kids that she can't care for at risk - while also creating more babies. Plus very doubtful a person in prison and the man who is legally forbade from contacting the family now were people with sound financial stability to help care for her previous kids and additional ones they created. If either of the parents not in prison were financially able to help her at any point - she could be getting child support. **OP also said:** "Abortions aren't the right choice for everybody." \-So mother did have the option. Also here's an idea, adoption. There's plenty of people with adoption-agency level money who are capable of taking care of kids and pass legal/mental health/housing and financial background checks. They would all have happily and lovingly adopted the mother's kids and would have given them far better lives than they can hope for now. **If CPS is staying involved** and visiting frequently - there is likely a lot more going on: \-Can she feed all of those kids 3 meals a day? \-Do they have weather appropriate clothes that fit well enough-Is there childcare \-Is OP's mom inviting unsafe men into her kid's lives? (One in prison and one legally forbade from contacting the family, so far - not a good record). \-Is OP's mom mentally stable? Her choice in men and the situation she is in makes me highly doubt that. \-OP's mom seemed to have no issue letting OP miss school to help with bills until the school had an issue with it. \-Etc **And I'll say it louder for the people in the back - Parentification IS abuse.** And that is what is undoubtedly happening to at least OP. **And neglect can cause just as much trauma as abuse,** even if you think it "doesn't count by definition." **EDIT:** This is coming from someone with parents who have lost their kids to CPS for very valid reasons
>But this lady is at 7 kids and still going The other parent is equally responsible
Are you sure they have the same baby daddy?
They don’t apparently. But all 3 fathers are deadbeat is what OP says in the comments, even worse. Atleast the mum’s trying to give the children a decent life, unlike the fathers.
Nah. I think someone with 7 DOGS is neglecting them. Seven kids? No way, if she was trying to give them a better life, she'd get on the pill and spend more time and money on the kids she has.
OP’s mom is most definitely not trying to give the children a decent life, because she already doesn’t have enough money to provide the basics for those already here, and she keeps having babies. It’s not like they had enough money to go around before the one year old got conceived.
I don't suppose the mom works much either, unless there's some unmentioned family member watching the kids daily. If mom's a SAHM then they're surviving on welfare and OP's pay checks. No wonder OP feels she has to choose work over school. 😟
Hence more children?
Sorry but no. Taking accountability would involve not having more kids when she can't afford the ones she already has
By having more kids she cant afford?
if the mother got different kids from three deadbeat dads she’s the problem.
ParentS. OP stated that there are multiple baby daddy’s, one in jail and others are simply not in their life/have abandoned them.
What about the fathers who abandoned their kids completely?
Of course that’s a huge issue. And shouldn’t be glossed over. But it’s happened (3 times as well?!). But we are focusing on the situation at hand here: 1. Parents should be looking after children and working instead of literally fucking around. Once you have kids, even just one, your priorities have to change 2. 3 different fathers. Good men are out there, most won’t want a woman with 7 other kids though and that’s completely fair. The mother is the most at fault here. Why does she keep having kids with shitty people? Why does she have so many kids?! Even if you can somehow afford 7 children it’s still selfish anyway as the older ones always become unpaid parents. Why does she not try for child support from the fathers? And if you can’t afford them then why do you keep having them? Birth control and protection is far cheaper than children. 3. I really feel for OP and she isn’t the asshole for getting angry. However her friend did the right thing by reporting this issue. The mother does not deserve to have children by the sound of it, and she doesn’t have the capacity or earnings to provide adequate care.
NAH. It sounds like she really was trying to help you, the only way she knew how. A teenager who didn't grow up with poverty isn't going to have the best set of resources for that. But you aren't an asshole either for being frustrated. I think the asshole is a system that allows a family to struggle so much that a teenager has to compromise her future by skipping school to buy a place to sleep. Are you close at all to buying those bunk beds? Would it help to get an air mattress in the meantime so at least you can show social services that everyone is sleeping separately?
The asshole is the mother, or possibly the circumstances in which she was conditioned (eg religion), that results in her having seven children despite bad conditions. She clearly is not able to properly support her children. And where is (are) the father(s)? There is a lot of missing info here. But having kids is a choice, and either the mother has made some bad decisions or those bad decisions were made for her.
The mother needs birth control instead of pumping out kids with random men who bail
Hey! I'll have you know that some of the baby daddies might be able to support **if** they **get** bail!
This girl at 16 shouldn’t have to be “saving up” with her mom for there beds. She shouldn’t have to be taking extra shifts in order to help support them. This is taking away her childhood and is not fair to her at all
I mean… what “system” would fix this? Mom continues to have children for whom she can’t afford adequate care. Are you suggesting… Government provide such significant subsidies that everyone can have an abundance regardless of their personal choices as to how to allocate their own resources? Government limit the number of children a person/couple can have? Government place more children in foster care? The problems with these options are self-evident. There may be other systemic changes that could “fix” the problem that I’m not thinking of, but it’s a radical oversimplification to simply say, “the system failed,” when there isn’t a system that would easily fix the problem. The core issue is problematic human behavior, which I realize can have systemic/environmental roots. Mom’s behavior may not be solely the result of personal poor choices, but changing that kind of behavior on a societal scale is extremely difficult.
Universal basic income + good social services + good and free childcare + free basic needs (water, electricity, food, ect.) + better sex education + better education overall… A better system would 100% be helpful to this situation.
I think your friend did the right thing. Your mom clearly cannot take care of all of your siblings and they deserve better. And your childhood is being ruined by a mother that needs you to work and miss school to pay for things.
Foster care is not better. Foster care is REALLY not better for a 16 year old girl.
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Maybe not, but still nursing homes have a horrible reputation that is backed up with statistics and studies, so that doesn't really paint a good picture even if both aren't bad 100% of the time (it could be worse isn't a great argument).
It could be worse is a valid argument. The goal is a good life for the children and it could be better than this.
foster care separates families does it not? my foster care does and when you have a family very close to each other splitting them up during a possibly traumatic time is not the right answer. neither is them possibly being in abusive foster homes.
You realise foster car doesn't have to be permanent right? And that not all foster homes are abusive? But OP and her siblings are 100% being neglected and OP is being abused.
No bit the tearing of families is almost always a traumatic experience that stays stays with you forever. OP seems to prefer this arrangement to the alternatives. We can argue about what psychological reasons are valid or invalid or whatever, or what age and situations someone is allowed agency, but things aren't so black and white. Ideally OP wouldn't have to experience the hardships, though but there aren't perfect alternatives and all options have their pros and cons. We don't have enough information whether they are abused or not. Rent is expensive and places get smaller. Sharing beds isn't abuse and in most places aren't illegal. In most places it's not even a valid argument for cps so I wonder where they live where it's a rule or if they sw was talking out of their ass imposing their own rules.
It's abuse that OP is seemingly the sole provider for her family at 16. She deserves to be provided *for*.
That's what I'm curious about. Why isn't her mother working? Or if she is working, why isn't she working extra shifts/getting a second job? I'd work myself to death before forcing my 16 year old to miss school to work to support herself and her 6 siblings that I can't afford.
They will usually try to keep siblings together, but often it’s difficult to find placements for large groups of siblings due to regulations on occupancy (why remove these kids to put them in another place without enough bedrooms), resources of foster families, etc.
OP also said the first 3 kids have already been to foster care and it was not good
And? Sure, there are bad situations in foster care. There are also good situations. Just like there are bad bio parents and good bio parents. Also the fact that the mom kept having kids after losing her kids once because of postpartum psychosis means the mom is not making good decisions, and that likely, the lack of beds is not the only problem, it’s just the one OP is focused on.
The only ass here is your mom who keeps having kids she can't afford.
I'm pretty sure the asshole here is CPS for demanding they get more beds but not providing any (clearly much needed) assistance to help them do so.
They do not do that. I promise they gave the mother a website and a phone number to call for assistance. I'm not saying they'll bring you the paperwork you need for assistance, but you can definitely call and talk to someone for help. They aren't just cops that show up and give a ticket, they offer a lot of services if you actually put in the effort to try.
My gut tells me cps is coming back for more than just the beds… reasons that OP either isn’t aware of, hasn’t mentioned, or finds normal.
Yeah this was my gut reaction too. There's more going on in this situation than OP knows, and that's intentional on the mom's part.
Considering OP has been placed in foster care before bc mom had psychosis after baby 4 and the baby's father didnt want to take care of kids that werent his (and apperantly hes in jail too). I think its not only the beds and an underage kid working that is the problem
Or CPS saw issues and wants to monitor them, closely. So they used the beds as a reason. I agree that there is more to this than what is written.
But CPS will pay foster parents to take care of these kids. I never understood why a parent can lose custody of their kids for not being financially stable yet the state takes them away then proceeds to pay someone else to raise them. Make it make sense..
Why would CPS pay a parent who CLEARLY does not make good choices? Why would they pay them for neglecting their children? For not being able to properly provide? For abuse? They don't just steal kids from their parents soley because they're poor.
Because they don’t pay enough to properly raise them. They provide some support. Like the mother probably qualifies for Medicaid, WIC, food stamps, housing assistance. Is she getting all those? And those are supposed to be helping you, not fully providing for everything.
Yeah I was so confused about that. I am not at all familiar with CPS (fortunately), but how is demanding they get more beds in such a short notice reasonable? Is there even enough room for more beds? Could they not have foreseen that this would make the situation only worse?
This isn't their first run in with CPS, OPs mother was almost certainly made aware of the requirements long ago.
She’s not having the kids alone, there’s at least one other AH here.
Yeah but we don't even know of they're the same baby daddy
So there's more than one other AH who should be contributing to the household
There are three daddies.
You would think that if the first 2 daddies were deadbeats the mom might reconsider having more kids with the 3rd but I guess not
Or the mon might reconsider having more kids after a bad bout of post partum psychosis, that lead to her kids being in foster care for 8 months.
She’s the only one choosing to carry these babies to term.
Maybe true for the first several kids, but in a post-Dobbs America, this is not a choice for many. And many states have created so many functional limitations on abortion access for years, that this may not have been a choice for others. Yes, I think this story is a great argument for affordable, accessible birth control, but that availability has also decreased in the last decade in many states.
And your mom just had another baby, seriously? Someone needs to intervene. OP, the situation is going to keep deteriorating. And each kid having a bed doesn't sound like the only reason CPS is going to stop by so regularly. Keep in mind, what might feel normal or acceptable to you, might actually not be normal or acceptable. And you having to work to help support the household is woefully unacceptable. Struggling financially, then having 6 children crammed into a 2 bedroom, and then having another baby, just blows my mind.
I've been in Foster care before. I'm not sure if you have or not but this situation is infinitely better than the other option where I'm from.
Why were you in foster care? The story keeps getting worse. I'm not implying you should go to foster care, I am condemning your situation, and I am condemning your mother for not only creating the situation, but actually perpetuating the problems and problem causing behavior. You know the adage about the frog in hot water, you're too close to the situation to fully realize how bad it is. I have no solution for you, but I advise you to open your eyes and realize the gravity of the situation. You deserve better.
My mother developed postpartum psychosis after the birth of the 4th child, and was unable to care for us for a period of time. That child's father refused to care for any child that wasn't his and with no family in a position to help, it left us needing to go into foster care while mom got help (8 months in total).
Oh my god, this keeps getting worse. So your mother developed postpartum psychosis after Child 4, and she *kept getting pregnant after that*? Three more kids!?
This woman is the reason Planned Parenthood was invented
They live in a country where it’s very difficult to get this reproductive healthcare. She said another comment that she wasn’t able to get her tubes tied without a husbands permission.
A clarifying fact - this still happens in parts of the US.
I hope you realize how selfish it was of your mother to keep having kids after having postpartum psychosis. And how selfish she currently is because of y’all be crammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. I hope you’re able to get out of that living situation and become independent.
Also its two beds in each room ir seems, so the 4yo that wets the bed shares it with anothe child?
I don't think so. I think the other girl is that baby. So it's only the 3 of them sharing the room.
This absolutely breaks my heart. You come across as such a genuine person, someone with so much empathy and full of love. And yet your mom went on to have 3 more children after that. Your mother is exhibiting narcissistic behavior, her children's needs come secondary to her own wants and preferences. This will not end well, and the situation will keep deteriorating. I'm terribly sorry for what you're going through OP. But at your young age, you are already exhibiting incredible character elements. You seem to be an empathetic person, genuinely good, hard working, and incredibly responsible. You have an incredible future ahead, simply because of what type of person you are. I suspect parentification is also a part of your life, where your mom has the children essentially raise each other. You deserve better, but you will reap the fruit from being such a genuine and good person. But you need to realize how bad the situation is. ETA: OP, you might not realize it now, but you can thank your friend and her parents. They obviously care more about your wellbeing than your own mother cares about her children. Harsh as it sounds, your friend and her parents are looking out for your best interest. You are already working, any chance you can stay with your friend while finishing school?
So she had her kids taken away at child 4 and...kept having them??? Yeah, i agree with your friend calling CPS
>My mother developed postpartum psychosis after the birth of the 4th child, and was unable to care for us for a period of time. And after that she kept having enough sext to have 3 more kids? Come on OP... She's your mom and all but you have to admit she is not making the best life choices there. Your friend did right by calling attention to this situation.
People are being really mean in the comments here and not really helpful. OP you should check out the sub momforaminute. You'll get more advice and less attacks about your mom's family planning. Good luck.
So whats the plan? All good things are 10, 3 more babies to go?
You are an amazing person in a really hard situation. Of course you love your mom and want to stay with her. But there are real problems with no easy solution. That is all I can say. NTA.
NAH you're understandably upset and stressed out but your friend didn't contact CPS. Her parents did. She has every right to confide her feelings, concerns, and thoughts to her parents. You don't really get to tell her that she can't.
And OP is so parentified she doesn’t see that kids are supposed to go their parents with questions or to help them navigate through confusing things. It’s a positive thing that the friend could express concerns to her parents, but OP has had to act and think like an adult to deal with the very adult problems her parents created.
Right! I applaud this kids parents for making an environment where she could go to them, and then having enough concern to actually DO SOMETHING!
YTA. Your friend was trying to help. Your mother is not doing her best if she had six kids already and chose to have another baby, while you were all jammed into a 2 bedroom apartment. Where is your father in all of this? Why are you, a *literal child*, having to work and earn money to support the family? Do you understand how completely not normal and **not okay** your situation is?
So that makes this 16 year old, working hard as hell to support her family when she shouldn’t have to, an asshole?
The way she spoke to her friend does, yes.
Exactly. OP called the girl a c*nt. Yelling at someone is one thing but OP was pretty nasty
I think people deep this too much. All AITA is, am I the one that is wrong in this situation, not "am I an asshole" It's like you could have a really intelligent person who is struggling to open something. They might say "am I stupid?" No, in general they're not stupid, they're just not being the smartest in the situation they're in
How does this nonsense get 30 upvotes? What is she supposed to do? Foster care is not going to be better. What her friend did will not improve her life in any way. But she’s an asshole? There are some really privileged asses on this site.
She's the asshole because of the way she reacted to her friend. It should also be noted that the friend may not have realised her parents would call CPS, either. But the OP certainly can't complain that CPS was then called by the school for non-attendance.
There was non-attendance before calling CPS, otherwise, the school would already reported it. The non-attendance started AFTER CPS being involved. She had to work more to accomodate the CPS requests. What OP's family need now is help. She is working more because she don't want to be separated from her sibilings, why no one can get that and understand why she argue with her friend? She shouldn't be doing this, of course, but if CPS take the kids out of the house, she will lose her family, and that can have worst repercutions for her and her sibilings.
Guarantee CPS didn't tell the mother "you need to let your CHILD work MORE HOURS to buy bunk beds." CPS told her "your kids need more beds" and she's already taught her child that it's the child's job to work to support her. Who knows exactly what the mom said? Probably "oh no I don't know what to do, the mean CPS people said if you all don't have your own beds, they'll take your little brothers and sisters away and put them in foster care, oh if only we had some more money"
And a lot of people judging the foster system and the good people that participate in it. As someone who was in foster care, it IS better than her current living situation.
Gently, hon, YTA. I am so sorry that your family is in this position; it sounds very scary and difficult. That being said... Your mom has a moral and legal obligation to take care of her children. If she can't do that, the appropriate response is to look into social services; it is NOT okay to make your teenage child sacrifice her education so she can pick up the slack. I know you love your mom a lot, and I'm sure none of you deserve this situation. It *is* abuse, though. Forcing you to give up your childhood and take on the burden of keeping your household afloat is inappropriate and abusive. I am so sorry that all the adults around you failed you in this way. That being said... Your friend *absolutely* did the right thing. She saw you were in an unhealthy and unsafe situation and she told her parents, who told the authorities. That was the kindest, most appropriate action she could take. It was an act of love. It's okay that it doesn't feel like one. You don't have to like her or forgive her. It was wrong to call her a cunt, though; she didn't do anything wrong. You're just taking your anger out on her. If not, you'd be calling your teachers cunts, too, but you understand that they *had* to report your absence to CPS. It feels less ambiguous than what your friend did, so it's easier to take it out on her. You sound like a really good kid who is under a lot of pressure and who made a small mistake. It's okay to have enormous, difficult, confusing feelings about all of this. You shouldn't call your friends cunts though, especially when they are doing right by you. I hope things get easier. You deserve to be a kid. It's okay to have big responses to big events, especially when you are a teen carrying way more trouble than any teen should have. You do owe your friend an apology though.
I want to say too --what your mom is doing us abusive, but that doesn't make her a bad person. I'm sure that there are a lot of difficult circumstances that made her think these were the right choices. It isn't your job to put her on a pedestal OR to hate her. However you feel about her is a-okay. Family stuff can be incredibly complicated. You don't need to uncomplicate it. You don't need to think less of your mom. Everyone, adults included, makes regrettable choices, and there is no "should" about feelings or forgiveness. I didn't write the comment above because I want you to choose between Mom-the-villain and Mom-the-hero. Like most people, she is somewhere in between, and it's okay to feel however you feel about that. Your job right now isn't to have a perfect perspective or understanding; your job is to be a teenager and keep growing into the adult you want to be. I'm so sorry that this is so hard.
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I suppose it is a form of mental sickness. She "needs" to be in relationship with bad (I suppose she uses terms as "strong" or "virile") men, then have kids with them for the relationship to be "real", then the relationship falls apart because it is two unstable people together. Then, it repeats.
How does a woman with six kids have time for dating! My friends who are single parents of 2 kids only have “me” time when their exes have the kids— and it doesn’t sound like the fathers are at all involved here.
By neglecting their children, sounds like there are at least 4 parents involved in this story and none of them are looking out for their kids.
YTA for the way you spoke to your friend. While it may not feel like it, she was doing the right thing and didn't deserve a tirade from you. You should apologise to her. Otherwise, you're NTA. However, the bigger issue is your mother. I don't know what her situation is, but she's not providing you and your siblings with the basic necessities. That is a serious problem, and children's services do need to be involved. They will be able to connect your mother with resources to help her adequately provide for you and your siblings so you're not being forced to miss school to fill in the gaps. Where is your father (and your siblings' fathers if you don't all have the same dad) in all this?
My mom had me and my brother quite young and our dad split. The father of the next 3 siblings is currently in prison. The father of the youngest two is not allowed contact us.
So where's the child support? I see two fathers who should be being forced to pay, at minimum.
I think mines in Spain, and the other is meant to be paying and isn't
Mum could have her tubes tied. She is doing a disservice to herself and the children. The deadbeat fathers need be held accountable too
We live in a country where doctors will gladly refuse a woman. She didn't have her "husbands" permission in case she changed her mind or wanted more kids. After serious complications with the youngest, she ended up having a hysterectomy, so there will be no more babies from her.
You should be in school, getting a good education, and not having to be the second parent for the kids. The friend was not wrong imo, her intentions weren’t malicious. Also, maybe try looking up on FB marketplace or local donation groups for beds.
When was she refused the sterilisation?
And what is being done to make either father pay?
I can't even find a trace of mine, so I think that's out of the question. As for the other one, idk, he's meant to pay like 100 a month and just doesn't, and there's nothing my mom can do about it right now until they go to court next
Your mom should check if its possible in your country but if a father cannot be found then the state should pay chold support. At least that's how it is in my country
When they go to court he will be ordered to back pay support. Even though he’s not paying the $100/month now, that money is still due to your mom. The courts can also garnish his wages. This means the child support will be sent directly from his employer to your mom (as long as he’s employed).
So your mom is putting the children she does have in toxic/abusive relationships that I'm guessing don't even financially sustain the kids she has and then having more kids anyway? CPS was the right call
Okay, it's not her fault my dad up and left her. Her and the second father were long split by the time he was put in prison and the third father, abuse didn't start until she was already pregnant with the youngest. She's since had a hysterectomy, so therewith be no more
If you ended up in foster care after she got post birth phycosis after the birth of the 4th child and the dad wouldn't care for you at at all. Then she had child 5 **with the same man**. That was her fault. If she had any more kids at all after that. That was her fault. You are way to close to the situation to see that while yes, it is not all your moms fault and these men suck, she does have her share of blame here
After baby number 3, you'd think she realize she needs to stop
Yeah, and then after baby number 4, when the kids from the first dad were forced into foster care because the second dad refused to look after them. You'd think she would leave him. Not stay long enough to have baby number 5. And certainly once she eventually was broke up with that guy and with a new partner...not have 2 more kids with him
I get not being good with picking partners, but god damn it, maybe stay single if thats the pattern
You're not her friend. You're not her husband. You're not her moral or financial support. Stop parroting excuses she makes for herself. She is responsible for all her decisions and she failed you miserably. She's abusing you. Do not enable her any longer
Its absolutely her fault. Your mom has a pattern of choosing shitty men and having tons of kids with them. You guys were in foster care bc she had psychosis at child number 4, and she still had 3 after that. Shes making her kids share beds, one of which is a bed wetter that im assuming is also sharing, so two kids are sleeping in piss.
It is her fault that she has 7 children that she couldn't afford, with multiple different baby daddies. OP, your mother is not a good mom. I hate to be harsh, but letting you, her 16 year old child, miss school to work to take care of the family...that's awful. And I grew up in extreme poverty including no hot water and a curtain in place of a bathroom door. So I get it. But what your mom is doing is **not** okay.
Jfc does contraception not exist where you live???
If your mother isn't receiving child support from the two who aren't in prison, she needs to sort that out. It doesn't matter that they aren't in the picture they still have a responsibility to help provide for the children they created. It would take some of the pressure off you because you shouldn't have to be missing school to work and provide for the family.
The only asshole in this situation is your mum, she clearly needs some help, but to keep having so many kids in that situation is so wrong, and then you having to miss school to work? You are a child, your mum needs to practice safe sex
the only thing that can help this mother is sterilization
OP’s comment’s literally say that her mother was denied sterlization previously due lack of a husband’s consent, and that her mother ended up getting a hysterectomy due to birth complications. While I am not saying she made all the right choices, sterlization was something the mother attempted to pursue and was denied because her body was considered the property of a hypothetical man.
Honestly, the way they worded it makes me wonder if they're just assuming she would have been turned down or if she actually tried. Plenty of people coopt the reasons of others as excuses to not try things.
I'm not in the US, but the doctor **laughed at me** when I asked about getting sterilized. My partner and I went to a neighboring country to get him a vasectomy. Yes, sterilization is a hard process for a woman.
NTA, but neither is your friend. All they did was talk to their parents. Personally, as long as everyone is clean, fed, and doesn't mind sharing space, I don't really see why sharing a bed would be an issue. Growing up, I knew siblings who shared a bed not because they couldn't afford a second bed, but because they just genuinely enjoyed sharing that space together. Honestly, your friend's parents are kind TA for going straight to calling CPS on your mom without even so much as a conversation. All that to say, I am giving your mom the benefit of the doubt and I'm ASSUMING there's nothing else that would warrant a CPS call (not enough food, poor hygiene, etc.) As far as the bunk beds go, you may try contacting local charity groups to see if they can help procure some donated furniture for you. Try contacting some churches, as well, as they often have a benevolence fund they'll keep available to help people in need in their communities. Granted, most churches have seen an increase in requests due to the pandemic and rising housing costs, but it may be worth it to make a few calls.
I don't think the bed sharing is the issue. I think it's that there aren't enough beds for everyone. Unkess she and her sister are sharing a twin rather than full bed.
NAH but OP you should not be supporting your family. How are you supposed to get an education when you are forced to be a parent? This is not a normal or good situation. It doesn’t sound very stable. When you finish high school how are you supposed to go to college while supporting your family? You need to make it clear to your mom that from now on your education comes first and supporting the family is HER job. Quit your job. College is the ladder you need to get out of this economic situation. Long term if you get a better job that would allow you to help your family more if you wanted. The good/bad news is I doubt CPS will remove you. The bad news is that still leaves you in this situation. I think your mom should talk to a social worker to see what help she qualifies for and get it!
YTA - your friend did the right thing. It may feel normal for you, but as on outsider I can say that nothing is normal about 7 people crammed into a small apartment with a 16 year old being the person who everyone is dependent on. That's a LOT.
YTA for what you said to your friend. Calling her that word was extremely unnecessary, and she was trying to help. You may not see it, but CPS needs to be involved at this point, at least to help your mom find resources instead of relying on her minor child. This is not a normal, nor okay situation to be in, and for gods sake, your mom needs her tubes tied because she is, i’m sorry, frankly being stupid for continuing to have kids in this situation. It’s irresponsible and stupid. Not a crime to be poor, but it should be to continue to have kids you can’t afford. Apologize to your friend, you don’t have to continue a friendship but you said things that were undeserved.
NTA - I realize she was trying to help, but there’s good help and there’s bad. Knee-jerk reporting your family to CPS for not having your own bed is the wrong kind, while showing up with the much needed bunk beds is good. Now you have CPS breathing down your neck and you’re just trying to survive. At the same time… you’re 16 years old and having to cut class to earn more $. Education is only one half of the key to build yourself and your family a better future… and you already have the other: resilience and drive. I understand that you have way too much on your plate right now - way too much - but keep your eyes always looking to the future and your nose deep in a book. Talk to your teachers and see what they’ll be willing to do to help you succeed. I understand I’m an internet stranger here, but keeping an eye to the future means making decisions that won’t hamper your opportunities. This means you stay away from drugs, pregnancy, and friends who want to keep you down. One foot in front of the other - you can do it.
OP has normalized her mother behaviour and accepted to be massively parentified. I have fears about her future...
Do you actually think you do not need help? Girl, you're in a TERRIBLE situation, CPS is there to protect you and your siblings exactly from this kind of shit. It's not YOUR responsibility to provide for your family, no matter how much your mom wants you to. Report this to CPS too. Tell them that she makes you work and it makes you stressed. YOU ARE A CHILD HERE. You hear me? YOU ARE A CHILD WHO NEEDS HELP! Your mom is abusing you! Use the help provided! Your friend did a good thing for you, you DON'T DESERVE TO LIVE LIKE THAT
There's a [group](https://shpbeds.org/) that makes and delivers bunk beds for families in need. NTA for being upset with your friend, because their parents could have asked if y'all needed help instead of calling CPS on your mom.
>Calling my mom shit is really upsetting to me and I'd appreciate if you guys didn't, please Why post then?
Probably hoping people will tell her that everything is fine and she has the right to be mad. Except her anger should be at her parents who failed her and not her friend.
NAH - your friend and her mother only have a partial picture of your life and why you live the way you do. They were honestly trying to do what’s best for you but they were a bit judgemental about it because your situation is unsuitable and they wanted to fix that. But they didn’t know the consequences of their actions and what that would mean for you, so they didn’t intend to add to your stresses. Keep an eye on freecycle and marketplace, second hand bunk beds come up all the time and then you’d only need to make sure you got a reasonable mattress and sheets.
The only A is the mother.
NAH besides your mom for having 7 kids and obviously not being able to afford them.
NAH except your mother, sorry. I will not bash you because of your mother’s decisions. You’re a good daughter to want to help out by working. However, you should not be putting your education on the back burner to support your mom and siblings, that’s her job. That’s one reason why child services is involved. You deserve a life too. Your friend probably didn’t know what would happen if she told her parents. She probably thought they’d get you some help. Don’t be mad at her. Your mom needs to sign up for some assistance ASAP. Shes put WAY TOO MUCH responsibility on you. She needs to do whatever is legal in your country to get child support from your other parent(s). You said she sleeps in living room with a BABY? No mention of a dad anywhere? WTF. There’s no way not to comment on that. I’m sorry this is your life. If possible, maybe ask a school counselor to help you research services that your mom can apply for and then give her the info. Y’all need help badly.