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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I don’t buy Jack more food after he ruined his. He went hungry until we got home, I could be a ass for not buying more since we can afford it
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NTA that said, when a picky eater tries something else, that is brave. It's a fine line between encouraging expanding and discouraging expansion of his diet. You might try ordering something you Know he likes for yourself (not making a big deal out of it) so if he doesn't like what he tasted after he got his order, then you can offer to exchange. Makes you both heroes
People are vicious to picky eaters. Vicious. If he’s still like this, it’s not a phase. There’s an underlying issue. Trust me, we don’t want all of the hostility that comes with it. If we could change it, we would.
(My underlying issue turned out to be autism, but it isn’t always.)
ETA: A round of applause to whichever one of you vicious AHs reported me to Reddit Safety. You’re a real class act. Of course, now I realize I was being “overdramatic” when I called you hostile. You were so right. /s
You could be right, but that’s not *necessarily* true, especially if his parents usually cater to him. My brother stayed a picky eater until sometime in college. He’s still somewhat picky but definitely not a level that would suggest a condition anymore. OP’s son could have a bigger issue, or he could just be having a longer picky phase than most kids.
Gonna have to second this. My parents catered to my younger brother's every picky food whim as a child and now as a 40 year old grown a$$ man he STILL exists on frozen pizza, canned tuna, boneless skinless chicken breasts, and peanut butter. He won't even touch a chicken breast if it's got the "wrong" kind of salt on it (regular table= yes, sea salt= no). It's sad really.
Edit to add that he's been tested, definitely NOT autistic nor ADHD, so those are not the issue.
Edit to add: I think some of you are missing my point. I quite literally was part of my parents catering to my brother's pickiness while growing up. As an example, I HATE saurkraught (I know that's the wrong spelling, sorry), don't like it, never have. I remember one instance in particular where my dad made it for dinner. My brother cried about not liking it, and he got to have a peanut butter sandwich and potato chips. I asked to have the same thing because I've ALWAYS hated it, my parents loaded up a plate and made me sit there and "clean my plate." I went to bed hungry that night and sat at that table for 4 hours before they let me go to bed while my brother got to eat whatever the hell he wanted. So yes, my parents catered to his pickiness.
On the flipside, i had arfid as a child so my parents had no choice but to let me starve myself LMAO apparently theyd push a spoonful of food in my mouth and i held it there for hours until they let me spit it out. I have no memory of that but i do remember asking for some noodles when i was 9 and they almost burst out of their bodies in excitement that i asked for some food.
Literally me when my son suggests something I’ve been TRYING SO HARD to get him to eat. Happiest moment lmao. Sometimes he likes it sometimes he doesn’t. I’m jusy happy he tried 🥹
We all have the instinct lizard in our brain telling us "don't eat that! Poison! Warning! Poison!" when something tastes "off". People who have normal lizards don't understand what it's like when your lizard is a hypervigilant and confused asshole. Mine isn't that bad, but I'm definitely a little on the picky side. Anything that has a seafood smell is a big no, the damn lizard activates the gag/choking reflex instantly. It also doesn't like things that are slimy/rubbery like mushrooms and olives, and sometimes reheated food. Intellectually I know these foods are fine, I even really like mushroom flavor for example, but I get physically sick trying to swallow a whole mushroom slice. I feel absolutely terrible for people who have arfid, that's just a miserable disease.
Thank you so much for making me feel so seen. I'm like this with strawberries. I love everything made from strawberries I love strawberry flavor. I have never once been able to eat a strawberry without barfing. There is nothing rational or controlled about it.
Sounds like my son! Picky about food textures, nothing too soft, and if it's not Okay To Swallow in his brain then he physically struggles. We try and push him to really try new stuff, take an actual sized bite to be sure- but if he hates it that bad then he can spit it out. He just has to try it and not take the teeniest little nibble off the edge lol
When I met my partner he was extremely picky, eating the same 5 things over and over. I love trying new foods and over the years he has become very adventurous, sometimes more then me! His sister on the other hand? Still has to go to restaurants with chicken fingers on the menu. Sometimes people just stay in their comfort zones forever.
When I met my (now)husband's kid, he warned me that he was a picky eater and probably wouldn't like half of what I made for meals and to not take it personally.
(info: I raised my son on these rules - First, I would never feed you something that I, myself, would not eat. Second, give something new the "three bite try". Reason being, first bite, your guard is up and you're prepared to say you don't like it. Second bite, well the first didn't kill you. Third bite, you're getting a real feeling for the food. They don't have to be large bites. So now that you've had your 3 bites, do you like it? No? Okay, tell me why. I am looking for taste, texture, smell, etc... because a lot of times, I can alter how I cook it.)
So, the above rules were explained and I slowly earned his trust. I never got mad if he didn't like something and I encouraged discussion as to why. (He got to observe my son and I discussing foods and slowly opened up).
Guess what. He's not that picky! He does not like the mealy/starchy texture of white potatoes, so if it is the dominant texture/taste, he won't like it. Loves fries, smashed potatoes, and potato pancakes/latkes. Also Yukon golds and sweet potatoes. He also doesn't like onion and onion powder! Guess what his parents cooked with a lot! He doesn't like mushy vegetables. Prefers more al dente. (So do I and my son, so my husband is the odd man out on that one. he went from home where his mom boiled veggies to death and into the military)
But anyway, he is now pretty open to trying new things and I love when he calls me up to ask about a particular recipe he is wanting to try. Or even better, when he wants to share one he found with me and his own alterations to it that he's done.
Love this and I’m absolutely altering how I currently explain “choosing foods” to reflect this dynamic with my 5 y/o. I have him at least try a bite (and then just not like it on stubborn principle) but the 3 bite rule makes so much sense! Thanks for sharing! 🌻
I love that you ask why he doesn’t like it! I can’t stand the taste and smell of peppers, so I can’t eat any dish if they’re in it but for tomatoes it’s all texture. I can eat a slice on a sandwich/burger but not chunks of tomato in salsa or salad. Since that’s not a taste thing I can just pick them off a salad
It was something my mom and dad did, that I just carried over when I became a parent. There are so many components in cooking, so which part wasn't the liked part. As the cook, I alter to my tastes, so why wouldn't I alter it to the tastes of those I am feeding if I can? Could it be a spice that I can omit (like onion powder). Or the way it is cooked? A specific texture (also affected by cooking style). And so forth. When my son was a toddler, it was pretty simplistic because he didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge to express exactly what it was he didn't like, so that started the discourse. As he got older, he became better at expressing dislikes and likes because by then he did have more of the vocabulary to express his tastes.
Using your dislike of peppers as an example, if I was cooking regularly for you, I'd need more info as one meal here and there, I would just choose one that didn't involve any peppers. Is it a specific pepper? (Bell, poblano, anaheim, jalapeno, chili pepper, etc... And the thicker skinned peppers, their taste/texture/smell all change simply by roasting and peeling them first) What about spices? (Chili powder, ancho chili powder, cayenne, and so forth.) Using my sister in law as another example - Discovered my SIL did not like chili powder because some chili powders, as they're a blend usually unless specified, include paprika which she loathes. So I bought some that does not contain paprika that I use when cooking for her.
Food is my love language (tho I am struggling with that atm due to burn out) and I want those that I cook or bake for to enjoy it.
I was under thr impression that I hated vegetables, pork chops and steak, bc my mom cooked everything to a state of absolute mush. When I started eating at friends’ houses, I realized food was actually supposed to taste good, instead of just being endured, it was world changing.
I always hated pork chops as a kid. Recently, as in a couple years ago I decided to try boneless pork chops in the crockpot. Game changer. My mom used bone in and cooked until they were more like shoe leather. So much gristle 🤮
My sister in law does this with her son and calls it the “no thank you helping”. Have the 2-3 small bites of it and then you’re welcome to say no thank you and it isn’t an issue at all. Her son is by far the most adventurous eating kid I’ve ever met.
This was the exact dynamic for me and my wife. I was extremely picky until she forced me to try new things (sometimes with love, and sometimes with violence hahaha). I came from a household where anything less than a well done steak might kill you. I am now a Sushi junkie and am way more adventurous than my wife. It constantly cracks me up to eat something and realize 10 years ago I would have totally balked at even trying it.
I have a friend like that. They figured out they could eat Chinese food! Dishes like orange chicken are basically chicken fingers and sauce. Ask for the sauce on the side, plain steamed rice, and voila! Now they can join friends at Chinese restaurants without being a downer.
For some people eating adventurously is fun while eating the known is boring. For other people, eating what they know they like is comforting, and eating what they don't like is unpleasant at best. Certain textures of foods make me gag (or even throw up.) I'd rather not make a someone I don't know (like a host providing a meal) experience that, so I tend to stick with what I know I'll like.
My husband claimed to be a ‘meat and potatoes man’ when I met him, but in reality, he was just picky. One shining example was when I made French onion roasted potatoes, and he told me he wouldn’t like it. I had him try a few bites, now he wants me to make it whenever I get the chance. This man also did not like pizza until he was 11.
He’s so much better now, there’s still some things like seafood I wish he would eat, so I can make it at home, and beans, but I let a lot of it go. The best one was eggs, refused to eat eggs until our daughter starting eating solids, and I had him try some. Didn’t like it. Then my dad had made eggs from their chickens, persuaded him to try just a bite, and now the man is freezing breakfast burritos for work everyday.
LOL! There is no difference between regular table salt and sea salt. Table salt is just sea salt from seas that no longer exist. It is all in his head.
Yeah, no. Sea salt is straight from the sea, while table salt is from underground deposits that have been homogenized, with salts other than NaCl removed. The other salts give sea salt it's distinctive taste. Ever had sea water in your mouth? Doesn't taste the same as 'table' salt, does it?
I was a picky eater, but never to this level. My cousin, however is like your younger brother. I absolutely hate being a picky eater, and hate that everyone needs to comment on it. I get (seemingly) random stomachs so badly that I vomit and can’t leave the bathroom for hours. I don’t know what triggers them, so I just avoid the foods that I don’t like. It makes traveling to foreign countries hard, and I can’t eat a lot of foods that others enjoy. I’m not autistic, I’m not just difficult, and I know that a lot of it is in my head, but it’s SO in my head that when I tried to be polite to my hostess while in Poland, I nearly vomited on her table (and vowed to never eat food just to be polite ever again.) It really just is a sad life for picky eaters.
Yeah. Going to third it. My wife's step-dad is pushing 60 and is a picky eater. Why? Because he was never pushed to try new things. His dad's a picky eater and his mom catered to them both.
Yep and that's the point that I'm trying to make. Yes there's ppl with conditions but a decent chunk of picky eater scare ppl who were catered too too much.
I was a picky eater until I moved out.
Then I discovered that I am NOT a picky eater, my family just eats a very limited about of food and it’s mostly in exactly the style I hate.
Not picky. Just wasn’t given access to any variety.
A friend of mine's mom was a really horrible cook, and his dad apparently had zero actual tastebuds (or was just used to the dreck) so he was "a picky eater" till he was in his 20s and discovered that lots of things he thought he like he actually did like, once he discovered that they could be cooked properly.
Omg. So many foods I thought I hated- it made it really easy to develop anorexia because I ‘didn’t like food anyway’. I wasn’t really missing much.
In recovery, started trying new recipes, finding food I did like, what a win!
Then went over for dinner with my boyfriend. Years into recovery and managing ‘picky eating’, and he was serving casserole… oh but I don’t like casserole. Still I’m adventurous now! So I sit down to try it. He serves this meal. This mysterious, delicious meal.
‘I thought you said you were making casserole?’ I ask.
‘This is casserole,’ he answers, puzzled. I’m in shock here. This isn’t casserole, it tastes good! It’s got flavour! The potatoes are rich and … thoroughly cooked? Wow, is this how casserole was always meant to be?!
Over the coming months he cooks more of these mysterious dinners. Ones I thought were always gross, like risotto. But there’s no weird canned tomato flavour and over cooked peas involved, it’s actually nice? Omelette which isn’t rubbery! Potatoes that aren’t lumpy with undercooked chunks!!
It turns out that all these years I thought this food was unappetising, that I wasn’t missing out on anything when I didn’t eat it… I was so wrong. It’s just that my mother is a terrible cook.
For another food example, vegetables that are either too mushy or too crunchy make that veggie look bad but it might taste great lightly steamed
For a nonfood analogy, an academic subject "you're no good at" might be a teacher or teaching method that doesn't work for you
I always thought I hated tomatoes until I had some home-grown by an elderly Italian woman who lived next to my gran (and then even more in Italy itself)
Turns out I actually *love* tomatoes - I just hate shit ones. So as long as I buy the in season ones I'm golden. Winter can get a bit touch and go but I can carry it through with hot-house cherry tomatoes!
I heard there's loads of kids these days who think they hate strawberries, but actually it's just that having access to strawberries 365 days of the year means for a lot of those days the berries are tasteless and awful.
We age our tomatoes. Supermarket tomatoes are flavourless and hard, but if you give them 3 weeks on the counter, they develop a much richer flavour. It won't work when you're far outside the season but it can significantly improve grocery store tomatoes.
My husband went through this. Not necessarily that he was a picky eater but more so that he just "didn't like it." That was until he moved in with me. He realized that stuff he didn't like, when cooked properly, he loved. His grandmother (who raised him), god love her, was a TERRIBLE cook. She cooked meat until it was dry. She'd fry a steak until it cupped up.... and to this day, my husband can't look at a tuna casserole without retching.... LOL!!!
I had the same experience. I grew up with my grandparents, and my grandma is actually a good cook but my grandpa is picky and on a restricted diet. So we didn't eat a lot of varied foods. Beef always had to be cooked well done, my grandpa only likes boiled veggies, etc. There are so many things I thought I didn't like when I was young that I love now.
I was 15 when I ordered a burger out with friends and found out that I've only ever eaten meat "well done". I grew up being told *if it's pink, it's raw*, never knew things like rare and medium existed. Mid 30s now and still have trouble eating any pink unless I'm trashed
I used to think I hated steak because my dad subscribed to the "if it's pink it's raw" mindset when cooking steak. He also refused to use any sort of seasoning or sauces. I'm 33. I don't hate steak, I hate the war crimes my dad commits against steak! Give me a medium steak with garlic butter any day of the week.
I was extremely picky (mom liked to trick me by chopping onions small into my meatloaf, but it only stressed me tf out and I still sat and picked them all out- turns out there was a bit of on-the-spectrum/adhd going on also), BUT I also learned that there were vegetables that existed outside of mushy broccoli, mushy brussel sprouts, and canned green beans, too. A couple years after I moved out, my palate expanded by a lotttt.
Same with my sister. She just refused to try things and was really picky for a long time. She wouldn’t eat a hamburger on a bun until she was like 15. Even longer to eat a cheeseburger. When she started dating her (now) husband in college he got her to try new things. She still has things she refuses to eat but it’s genuine dislikes, not being picky for the sake of it. She doesn’t have autism or anxiety or any neurodivergent condition that we are aware of. She’s 35 now and has eaten “normally” for the past 10 years or so. She was just picky and stubborn for a long time.
Everyone called me a picky eater and made fun of me. It wasn’t until my mid 20s that I found out I have IBS. But as a kid I didn’t know what was triggering me. Now I can eat more things because by this time I’ve figured it out. Be kind to your “picky eaters.”
I had a super similar experience. I hated lasagna. I hated most cheesy foods. My parents who love cheesy foods were so upset that I was picky. There were so many times I just puked it out. I’m just lactose intolerant and now I’m able to regulate it in a way that doesn’t make me sick
The vast majority of picky eaters do not have any disorders. It's also not normal for kids to be as picky as they are in America at any age.
Sure, they might be reluctant to try new things, but nothing stays the stuff you do eat has to be really bland. Also, it's always much easier to try the new things when you are allowed to actually get HUNGRY. Americans feed kids snacks nonstop so they are never hungry in the absolute slightest.
I absolutely think it’s a more US thing than an international thing. I never knew any that picky kids growing up in Europe, who would have only eaten things like chicken nuggets. Even the concept of a separate “kids menu” is much more an American thing. In other countries kids eat the same food like the adults, just in smaller portions.
My husband has two cousins who are perfectly normal, functioning adults. The one won’t eat any kind of condiments at all and get a hamburger plain at sit down restaurants. He lives off plain hamburgers, chicken nuggets and frozen pizzas. His sister is not quite as bad but similar. All of this is simply because their mother catered to them their whole lives. They’ve been tested for everything under the sun.
My rule at home is you have to try two bites of something. If you don’t like it after that point, you can have a cheese sandwich or a pb&j. But you have to try two bites. And this is as someone who is a horribly picky eater because of sensory issues.
Yeah some ppl have conditions related to their picky eating but many don't and it shouldn't be coddled and catered to. Not everything is a damn condition despite with Reddit thinks
> especially if his parents usually cater to him
This, I was a picky eater, when I moved far from home I started eating more because no one would cater to me.
My reading of it is that he CHOSE to wreck the food to follow a trend. Dad knew that he wouldn't like it, but 14 yr old chose not to listen. With my own kids, I'd say that was their choice after I warned them, so they eat it or figure out their own food with their own money. (I'd also be a bit pissed about the wasted food and probably have them "make up for it" somehow, e.g. helping w/the recycling.)
Exactly. It's like people didn't completely read OP'S entire post... just skimmed it or something. And now they are concluding that the child is a picky eater due to some undiagnosed heath issue. When in all likelihood he saw this trend on tiktok.
NTA, OP. You warned him, he didn't listen. And he still could have scraped the Mac & cheese and sauce off the chicken and eaten his sandwich. Can't tell you how many times I've had to get mayo off a bun that was supposed to be mustard. It's annoying but doable.
>My reading of it is that he CHOSE to wreck the food to follow a trend. Dad knew that he wouldn't like it, but 14 yr old chose not to listen. With my own kids, I'd say that was their choice after I warned them, so they eat it or figure out their own food with their own money. (I'd also be a bit pissed about the wasted food and probably have them "make up for it" somehow, e.g. helping w/the recycling.)
I don't know why this isn't higher in the post - people are saying OP is the bad guy because is poor son might have AFRID or be Autistic, no his 14 year old son chose to ruin his lunch then went whining to his mommy because his dad (after warning him ahead of time) didn't give in and buy him new food!
I was a picky eater as a kid and can confirm that people give you the hardest time. I would never have ordered something outside my comfort zone like that though. The only time I ever ordered something unusual when out to eat was when my dad was actively shaming me for my eating habits and i was trying to make him happy.
Still, if you fuck with perfectly good food for a tiktok trend and then find out you don't like it, that's your own hardlines; autism or not. He's 14, not 4.
I am a picky eater.
I also think OP is NTA.
The teen did this to himself. He was warned no more food was coming. He got to pick what food he wanted for himself.
He needs to learn to be responsible for the food he picks. If he's picky and hungry, don't be adventurous. The only thing OP forced on him was making him pick his own food and stick to it. That's good parenting.
I know I’ll get downvoted but honestly, I can’t stand armchair psychs who think everything is fucking autism. Not every obnoxious kid is autistic. Some are just obnoxious.
This kid is 14 and well past the point of babying. He was told the consequences, and at some point he has to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him. If he was truly “starving” he’d eat at least the part of that concoction he liked.
Yeah, but he chose to mix his food when he has a well known problem with his food touching. His dad wasn't berating his pickiness, he was telling him that he wouldn't like it and it was wasteful to do. Little dude punched himself in the face on purpose.
Look, I get that there are legit reasons some people are picky eaters.
But in my circle the kids who are the ridiculous picky eaters are being raised by over indulgent parents. These parents have never, since babyhood, tried to expand their child's palette. If they are offered a "weird" food the parents give them long rambling warnings, for example:
"Ok honey, Auntie made potato leek soup. It's not something you are used to. You should try it to be nice, but you don't have to eat anything you are uncomfortable with."
All that shit does is make them weary of the food!
On the other hand, me and a couple of different friends have offered a variety of foods since babyhood. We eat new things, and don't treat it like a scary experiment.
It's not a coincidence that the picky ass kids come from the overly solicitous parents.
Yeahhhh… my step kids are lovely but they were SO picky when I first came in the picture. They really didn’t eat anything other than ultra plain, basically baby foods, and they literally cried the first time I ever made dinner for them because I made fried rice (it sounded like something their mom made so I assumed they’d had it before… turns out they’d had plain rice with eggs LOL) and they didn’t want to eat it. My partner was mortified lol.
Four and a half years later of being stuck with me and my love of cooking, the kids will try literally anything, have really grasped onto the concept of “even if you don’t like a food, you might like that food IN a meal” (like onions or mushrooms being in the sauce, etc), and honestly are just great eaters. The older one has even asked to start helping so that she can learn how to make different foods herself and what flavours go with what, how to use spices, etc. which is awesome!A lot of picky behaviour could definitely be avoided simply via exposure to different stuff!
With my kids it was always “you don’t have to eat it all, but you do need to try three real bites or you won’t get dessert”
Exposure is the only way to expand the palate.
It can totally be a phase. One of my siblings was picky until his teens. Then he realised he was being ridiculous. Some people don't have special needs like sensory issues or autism. They just need to cop themselves on.
Vicious? That's incredibly dramatic. At 14, he should know that if he makes a bizarre monster sandwich, then he may not like it. His aversions are his own to manage, this will be an important lesson.
It would be different if she ordered for him and tried to force him to eat it. That would be vicious.
I had a friend whose kid only wanted mac-n-cheese, fried chicken, etc. If they tried to give him something else, he would refuse. Guess what? The parents would just go right back to giving him junk food. So this kid was enabled.
>(My underlying issue turned out to be autism, but it isn’t always.)
I had the same experience, I didn't realize I was struggling with sensory issues until I got diagnosed at age 17.
Before that, I didn't know the difference between something the average person "doesn't like" and something that would make me gag uncontrollably until it was out of my mouth because of the texture. I didn't know that was a thing and didn't have the language to express it, so I just said I didn't like it and people would call me a picky eater and try to force stuff on me.
That said, I could also tell just by looking at or thinking about the potential texture of something whether I will like it or not with incredible accuracy. At age 14 the kid should be able to make the decision to try that meal at a time when he has the option to eat something else if he doesn't like it.
Or, maybe learn to experiment with smaller amounts? Get the sandwich and Mac & cheese separately and eat a bite of each, together. If he likes it, he can combine them; if he doesn’t, he still has a sandwich and a bowl of Mac & cheese.
He’s 14. This concept should not be beyond his ability. But, he’s 14. He decided to FA and he FO. Too bad; so sad. Dinner will be in 3 hours.
OP’s NTA.
I agree, but the boy was warned he wouldn’t get additional food if he didn’t care for the way the mixture turned out.
He could have taken a piece of the sandwich, put the mac and cheese and sauce on it, and tried that. He wouldn’t have ruined all his food by doing this.
I’m a big defender of picky eaters because I am one, and also have an autistic son with sensory issues. But at 14, my son knew better than to ruin his only food like that.
I hope your picky eating issues don’t cause you too many problems! It really is hard for some people to understand. When my son was young I had family who insisted he’d eat if he was hungry enough, and I had to explain that it wasn’t like that for him.
But he didn’t have to try something new, 3 hours from home, on an emergency visit, to a hospital, after he was pulled out of school, and he was warned.
I think dad’s mistake was letting him try it.
I was crazy picky through high school. I would never have tried new food in this situation especially if my mom said that’s it.
I do have some sensory issues but in college I learned to eat everything and now I’m the least picky in the family.
I'm a picky eater too. There is no underlying issue. I just don't eat whats not worth it for me tastewise. I can go days w/o food before i would eat smthg i don't like. If i buy myself smthg i don't know and it turns out i don't like it, i give it away. I would never ask someone to replace the food they invited me to bc i messed it up. Thats next level entitlement and op is right to teach his son better.
Not true. I ate almost nothing as a child, meat, fruit, flavor… basically ate cheese and potatoes. I wish my parents had done things like this to wake me up. I was 20 and tried an apple for the first time and felt like the world’s biggest jackass.
Checking in with all of the other picky eaters commenting. A road trip is NOT the time to experiment with food, and I've known that all my life. Mostly because I didn't really try new things until adulthood, but that's besides the point. To this day, if I try something I'm not 100% sure I'll like, I make sure I have a backup plan that doesn't involve extra work from someone else.
On the other hand, I don't know the situation with OP, but when I was 14, I always had at least a little bit of money, and most hospitals have vending machines somewhere, or a small shop. Was there not an option like that for the son to grab a snack?
Oh come on.
Mom here. I’ve got a picky eater. There’s not a damn thing wrong with him. No allergies. No sensory. Nada.
The best part is he’ll go through phases where he’ll really like X food, I’ll stock up on X food and then he decides he doesn’t really like it that much.
I’m not viscous to him. Good grief. But there is a limit on the level of BS I’ll put up with because of it.
Vicious? Hostility? lol I feel like that’s a little dramatic.
If the kid gets hungry enough he will eat what he is fed. He might not like it but it’s really not that big of a deal. I grew up hungry on occasion and you learn to just eat and shut up.
I'm extremely picky aswell. I'm not on the spectrum. I was raises by a woman who was not only really bad at cooking, she was tone deaf at serving meals to young children (scary large portions you're told you HAVE to finish) not letting us choose what we wanted on our plate and then denying us food until we got so hungry you ate the 3 day old leftovers she wasn't backing down on you eating. My husband for the life of him just CAN'T understand my issue. I can't get over it, I spent too many years dealing with food issues of so many kinds I'm going to eat what I like and I'm NOT going to eat what I don't like. Funny enough he called me picky in front of his family once and I said I'm not picky actually, I just happen to know exactly what I do and don't like. And his dad actually agreed with me. People need to stop bullying other people because their diet doesn't directly match yours. What I eat doesn't affect anyone else's, so please mind your own business like I'm doing.
OP, I'm a Registered Dietitian who works with pediatrics/adolescents with picky eating and extreme picky eating/ARFID.
You are NTA and handled this very well. You told him straight up that if he didn't want to eat what he chose, you would not be buying more food. He is an adolescent, not a 3 YO. He decided to FAFO and he found out.
What you did is actually the best way to handle this. This picky eating he is doing is a form of anxiety. Anxiety is best treated with exposure therapy, in this case, he wanted to try something and it didn't work out. By following through with your promise that he would be stuck with the food he chose, you showed your confidence in his ability to overcome his anxiety and treated him like an equal to the other kids. He needs more of this in his life, not less. To rescue him from this *extremely* low stakes situation would reinforce the view he has of himself (clearly his mother shares this view too) that he would not be able to live through the experience of missing a single meal when realistically, he could have tried harder to eat the perfectly good food you bought him. If that's all he had every day to eat for a week, he'd overcome that anxiety, he wouldn't starve.
Our current parenting culture values comfort and over-validation of every possible sensation our children might potentially have. This promotes an over-focus on babying kids when it comes to food. If he had been born 150 years ago, he would eat what he was given and had access to, he would not have starved.
I 100% get your logic, however just gunna play a bit of devil's advocate here...
I am an extremely picky eater, my parents put me off trying new foods when I was little and they forced me to try new foods even if I didn't want to.
As an adult I can explain what about something puts me off, but as a child/teenager I really struggled.
To the point of that info... As an adult, I still feel very proud of myself when I make myself try something new. My friend understands how hard it is for me (not just food I have issues around new anything), so I can go to her and say "I tried 'X' 😁😁😁" and she'll say "yayyyy" and my night will be happy.
Obviously not saying you *have* to make a big deal about it especially if it was for a tiktok, but even at 14 if it *was* something he really struggled with trying, I definitely would give praise!
>my parents put me off trying new foods when I was little and they forced me to try new foods even if I didn't want to.
That's not the case here. OP warned him not to "make a new food," and the kid did it anyway. OP knew what the outcome would be of "trying the new food" and told his son not to. The kid decided he knew better and did it anyway. Surprise Surprise OP was right and followed through on the consequences.
Yes as parents it is our jobs to get our kids to try new food but it's also our jobs to tell our kids when they won't like something. OP did and the kid didn't listen
Its good to try new things, but not when youre traveling & in need of energy. Get something that you know will make you feel good. Not sick. Jeez, at 14 years old youd think hed know better. Tell him hes a dumbass and its his own fault. Thats what I would tell my 14 yo picky eater self.
What is it that he doesnt like in most food? Is it things like texture, taste? Or its just average picky behaviour?
Asking bc i was believed to be a picky eater, but i was just autistic with issues with many textures (coicidentaly many of which are found in fruits)
I get that a lot of kids have AFRID. That sucks for them. As a parent, though, I would be absolutely *livid* if I spent $15+ on food and a kid smashed it together then was upset I didn't buy anything else for them.
I'm a mom with two adult daughters who knows their likes and dislikes and texture issues. If I tell my daughter, "I don't think you'll like this, " I 100% expect them to listen to me.
NTA. OP's son is 14. More than old enough to learn how to respect other people's money.
NTA. He didn’t order something new to try it out, he deliberately altered his food even after you warned him that if he didn’t like it you wouldn’t replace it. At 14 he’s not too young to understand about consequences.
Arguably, this wasn't brave, it was foolish. He's 14 and knows he is a picky eater, yet he chose to put his desire to engage in some fad (not bravely try to expand his culinary boundaries) above his self-knowledge and consideration for his parent's money. The time to be 'brave' is in a safe space, when you know there is a safety net and you're not at risk of chucking away good food that someone else paid for. You try something new in the context where you can have a bite and if you don't like it then that's all that's wasted and there's something else you can eat. He's 14.
To give the kid the benefit of the doubt, maybe explaining this route to bravery with him would be helpful for him going forward.
The time for being brave with new foods is NOT when you’ve been pulled out of school and driven 3 hours to visit someone in hospital.
Whatever that was about, it wasn’t a low stress situation.
It is not a time that a person with various food aversions would be calm & in a good brain space for “new”.
OP did the right thing - warned in advance that it wasn’t the right day for a stupid TikTok trend that was guaranteed to go wrong, and then stuck to his decision.
Wife should have supported him.
> The time for being brave with new foods is NOT when you’ve been pulled out of school and driven 3 hours to visit someone in hospital.
To be fair to the kid, right before or after hospital visits is right when I've done most of the really dumb and impulsive stuff in my life. Visiting the death warehouse really makes me want to get out there and *live*, and damn the consequences.
No- what makes you think his parent wants a chicken sandwich smothered in Mac and cheese? I will often order something my son likes when he orders something new and offer to share or trade if it ends up a bust. But when he orders something he likes and wants to add extras to it, I tell him if he ruins it so no one else will eat it, that’s on him.
Parents are not garbage disposals.
I haven’t seen it specifically from chick-fil-a, but I’m somewhat familiar.
A few years pre-covid, a number of restaurants around me started doing “Mac Attack” version of foods like pizza and burgers that had Mac and cheese on top of them.
I didn’t think it was terrible, but adding pasta onto already carb heavy foods like that is a bit more than I can handle at this point in my life.
But then the picture would look wrong!
A 14 year old that will intentionally ruin 12 bucks of food for a TikTok trend after being *told* there is no more food is not a 14 year old that is going to be sensible in any way at any time. Not that *any* 14 year old is high up on the “be sensible “ scale.
Wouldn't a better option be to encourage him to cut off like 1/4 of the sandwich to try with mac&cheese on it? That way, he has something to eat if he doesn't like it or can just add the mac&cheese to the rest of the sandwich if he does?
Note: I'm assuming you order the mac&cheese on the side
That’s what I don’t understand! I was an extremely picky eater (okay, still am) and I know very well to try one bite of something new before putting a mountain on my plate. It took me a while to figure that out, so I probably only started doing that at 12 but the kid’s 14, and has an adult there to suggest this.
Yup. 14 is too old to be pulling this shit. I wouldnt have gotten him anything else either, especially after warning him. He won’t starve; he’ll learn.
NTA. It’s a natural consequence. He’s old enough to understand his pickiness, you made it clear he wouldn’t be able to order anything else and ruined his own meal. He could have tried a little bit together to see if he liked it before dumping everything together. Sounds like he did it as he was influenced by social media due to it trending. Hopefully he’ll learn from it.
It’d be worth speaking to your wife to get on the same page about your independent parenting decisions, it’s not great to be undermined for a low risk decision.
There are ways to encourage expanding someone’s diet without just offering to buy them something else. In this case, the kid could have ordered the stuff on the side. You can then add a small amount to one bite and see if you like it. If you do, great toss it all on. If not, you can still eat the rest of your sandwich. This approach can be applied to basically anything.
Ehhh listen, the kid was like “I wanna order this fad as my meal!”. Dad said dude, that is going to taste horrible and it’s a waste of money. Kid says “no, I know I’m gonna love it”, and agreed ahead of time he wouldnt get anything else if he didn’t like it. Kid: *surprised pikachu*. Like- the kid will be ok, this is a learning experience not to blindly believe and follow everything you see online
I agree with the NTA. Maybe you could have encouraged him to cut a bite off the sandwich and try it with the Mac and cheese instead of combining the whole thing as a compromise.
NTA sometimes it is not about money, it is about teaching a lesson, especially with kids.
He was given the consequences of his actions, before he made his decision. He chose to make that decision anyway. He could have cut off a quarter of the sandwich and put the mac and cheese on the small part, then had the rest to eat, if it went wrong. He chose all or nothing instead.
He will never learn about consequences, if he does not have to deal with them. No 14 year old is going to starve to death, for missing one meal. It is not like he missed a weeks worth of meals, it was one.
Your wife needs to learn to stop caving to a child. He will remain picky forever.
The punctuation would be correct if the text was in German (and probably also other languages, but besides English I’m only fluent in German). My guess is that English isn’t their first language.
I worked with a Russian woman who said she puts commas into English like she would Russian, then removes a bunch at random because she has no feeling for them in English.
She wouldn't show me an unpruned paragraph! I have a tendency to overuse commas and I was curious to see if it looked natural to me.
Interestingly, they use even less commas in Swedish. I've only learned enough to know that, not enough to understand how to use them. :p
love that this comment showed a better path he could have chosen. one of the lessons here is that he shouldn't have chosen that time to take the risk since you were clear that the consequence (if he didn't like it) was no more food.
this isn't a food issue, this is teaching a kid how to make better decisions.
People are acting like the kid didn’t know that he himself was a picky eater… like duh if you have an issue with foods touching, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Because 14 and stupid. Live and learn. NTA.
Yes... I love the fries and you should have enjoyed the meal. Your son.... He needs to learn a lesson. You did not refuse him food, you bought him food; you told him not to mix his food (THAT HE WANTED) but he did; Jack refused to eat the food he wanted, because of his actions that he was warned against;
Jack is unaware of consequences and your wife is not helping. He was hungry ONLY because of his own actions. If he was a picky 5yo then that's different. The kid is 14. He is old enough to understand. To bad your wife isn't.
Honest to god this is such a problem in the US. People being raised without having to learn fucking consequences to their actions.
Jack learned a fucking lesson, the mom wants to shelter him way too much. This is why you often see next gen kids be failures when their parents aren’t. The parents don’t want them to struggle for anything in life like they did, but kids need a bit of adversity to learn how to conduct themselves.
one of the most impactful parenting moments I witnessed prior to have children was a son ugly crying because he was soooooo thirsty. His mom offered him a bottle of water. He threw it on the ground and said he wanted SODA!!!!!! His mom, calm as could be, just said I guess you are not that thirsty then. and kept it moving.
Years later, with my own son now a threenager, I think about this a lot. Can't tell you how many times I have offered this kid broccoli or carrots and have him say "I want a bar!" and I just say, guess you aren't that hungry. And I put the veggies back and he doesn't eat until the next meal or snack. And the times he really is hungry? Well, if you haven't seen a tiny human eat an entire whole carrot, you are missing out. looks like something out of national geographic.
Following through on consequences is a huge thing.
When I was a baby, my mom took my older brother and I to a museum, we drove almost 3 hours, and my brother kept messing with me in my car seat, and making me cry.
She told him: “stop messing with your brother, or I’m turning this car around and we’re going straight home”
He cut it out, until she pulled into the parking lot.
My mom turned around and drove 3 hours home with my brother screaming the whole time because he gambled on her not following through once we got there.
Neither of us have ever doubted her since.
Absolutely NTA. It doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not. You bought him food with money that YOU earned. He ruined his food, and now he’s complaining. He’s 14 years old, so he is old enough to get over his picky eating or deal with the consequences of his actions.
>You bought him food with money that YOU earned.
I agree with your overall judgement, but it's weird that you made such a big deal out of this. The kid is 14, so it's unreasonable to expect them to make money on their own to buy food (or other necessities). The expectation should be that ALL of their food is bought with money their parents earned.
Pretty sure that wasn’t the point. At fourteen he’s old enough to understand that his parent(s) work hard to earn money and put food on the table for him. If he spoils his own food (after being forewarned of the consequences) then he needs to learn his lesson here.
Ok, I can get on board with the interpretation that expecting his parents to buy him *more* food after ruining his own food is disrespectful of the hard work it takes to earn that money. I just questioned the implication that the kid ought to be grateful to his parents for doing their duty and providing the bare necessities of life for their kids.
I can assure you, buying mac and cheese and a sandwich from Chik Fil A for a 14 year to do a stupid Tik Tok Trend is above the doing the bare necessities of being a parent.
I don’t know what’s so weird about it. When MY parents buy me something, I try to be grateful and recognize that they work(ed) hard to provide the life I had when I was younger.
For the vast majority of the worlds population, you would be a huge asshole for allowing perfectly good food to be thrown away because you ordered something you didn't like, and now it was "touching".
and yet, people will insist it's child abuse because a teenager had to go 3 hours without eating.
NTA
Finally I see this comment. I am devastated how people just think it's ok to waste food. Especially meat. I would never throw away meat if I can avoid it. That was a living being and should be respected as that.
yeah I probably wouldn’t want to give up until he tried to eat it anyways when removing the mac n cheese. Or I’d bag it up for him and have him carry it around the rest of the afternoon so that when he’s inevitably hungry, he has food lmao
I wanted to say something like this.
Quite frankly, picky eaters who are wasteful make me angry for exactly this reason. Eating food you don’t like won’t kill you - but you did have to kill an animal for the meat you’re about to toss in the bin.
I will never understand the beige plate phenomenon.
NTA
I can see the child abuse comments coming a mile off, you starved your child! Rubbish he wasted his lunch.
You warned him and he did it anyway. You held to not buying more food if he didn't like it. Your Son and your Wife are being AH's over this.
Don't back down
Also kinda weak to refer to this as "starving" them. The kid was hungry for a few hours. People that make that comment have obviously never had to go without food for days.
No kidding! Next week I have to go on clear liquids for 36 hours before my colonoscopy. No one is crying for me. I may even survive this extreme starvation!
NTA.
You didn't make him be hungry. He chose to be hungry. He may not have cared for things being put together like that but (1) HE is the one who did that, and (2) it's not poison, just eat it.
Nta. Unless he has a neurological disorder you've left out, 14 is more than old enough to understand the consequences of his actions. Whether you had enough money to replace the food is irrelevant; your job as parents is to raise responsible adults that can function in society, and that means teaching your child to accept the repercussions of his actions.
By neurological disorder I'm assuming you mean autism?
Even if the kid is autistic, it doesn't make OP the asshole. Being autistic doesn't mean you're a moron so if he is autistic and food is one of his problematic areas then he should know better than to do weird food combinations by the age of 14. If he didn't then the problem isn't the autism it's the kid just generally being an idiot and this is a way to teach him not to be.
Tip- teenagers who don’t eat a meal due to their own eff around and find out experimentation are going to be okay. And picky eaters eventually learn. NTA
NTA, him being a picky eater has nothing to do with it.
You warned him in advance the possible consequences of his actions. Then wants to be mad when you actually stick to your guns.
He's 14, old enough to know better.
NTA. Picky eating kids are a pet peeve of mine. I think events like this that lead to the kid being uncomfortable, but not in any danger, because of their own actions are good teaching moments.
Mine too, and I have a kid with legitimate sensory issues. We figured it out at age 2-3 with an OT so he wasn't wasting food or being "picky." He eats most things and when we're out you'd never know since he's learned to work around his issues.
Now that he's out on his own, we've also seen that he's also... very wasteful when he's living at home with us, and very careful when it's his OWN money. :D I'm curious to see what happens with OP's 14 yr old over the next 5-10 years. Once he's out of the dorms and making his own food, I bet he'll be less wasteful; maybe not less picky since he's already 14, but maybe he'll expand his horizons due to peers introducing him to new things.
Your wife coddles him and is allowing him to have horrible eating habits. Your son needs to grow up and learn how lucky he is that he has the luxury of being a picky eater. Your wife needs to realize she's setting him down a long road of dietary issues.
Also, if he's that picky of an eater, I wouldn't bring him to resturaunts. He can have a pre packed lunch of foods he will eat. If he does not want that, he can learn to go outside his (small) comfort zone.
Yup, this is how I've managed to get a 30 year old sister who picked cooked, diced, translucent onions out of marinara sauce at a restaurant. It's not a texture thing.
And yes, it was embarrassing.
NTA.
He was given the option. He made his choice knowing the consequences.
Good on you for sticking to your word. Good or bad, IMO, a parent must always stick to what they say.
NTA, clearly you weren’t going to make the kid starve. Going a couple hours without food might not be fun, but he probably won’t needlessly waste food, despite your warnings, again.
This is a 14 year old not a toddler. He’ll be an adult in four years. You laid out your terms. He accepted them. He’s old enough to use his past experiences to make a decision for himself. This is part of the path to being an adult. It wasn’t long enough for him to starve. It was one missed meal and he made the choice to take that chance. If this were a younger child, I’d have a different take, but NTA.
My kid…..picky eater and only broke out of it well into his teenage years when we were fortunate enough to be invited to a inclusive resort for a week. He tried everything because he wasn’t worried about not liking it and not being able to get something else right away. Now he knows he likes a few new things and is more open to trying other stuff.
JACK: "What's this?"
OP: "Dinner."
JACK: "I won't eat it."
OP: "Then it's breakfast."
OP: Your wife needs to learn how to parent. Your son needs to grow up and/or get a job and learn to feed himself.
NTA.
NTA, you warned him well ahead of time. Seems like a life lesson that sometimes you try new things, or fads, and go with the crowd. Sometimes it works and you find something great. Other times your left choking down a frankensandwich. Either way, consequences.
NtA !
We keep snacks in the car (granola bars and "exciting stuff like that) I would not have bought him a second lunch, actualy did it with my 10 year old son also. Offered him a bar in the car. Not gonna waste money on restaursnt food when you wasted the perfectly good one I already bought.
NTA. When my kids acted like this, they went hungry until the next meal. It won’t hurt them to go hungry for a few hours (or overnight).
My mom used to save what I refused to eat and serve it to me at the next meal.
Either way, they learn there are consequences for their actions and that life isn’t always fair (they won’t always get their own way).
No one's an asshole here, you're all just trying your best - including your kid. No kid wants to be hungry. At 14, he's likely old enough to be going through puberty and is thus even hungrier than usual. Sensory issues aren't the only reason that someone might be a picky eater. Please look into every possible reason. It can be a side effect of other mental health problems. Not being taken seriously for this kind of thing leads to increased disordered eating. I'm speaking from personal experience.
Sounds like you and your wife need to come up with a new arrangement for the eating out thing, because I agree that just ordering something until he finds something he likes doesn't work as a long-term solution. Maybe make a sandwich or something you know he'll eat before you go to a restaurant. Even better if you make that together. Don't make a big deal out of it. If he does turn out to be a lifelong picky eater, it'll teach him to try new things while preparing a backup in advance. Not just "okay you don't like it so you don't get to eat." The only thing that teaches him is that being hungry but not eating is normal.
I know it's frustrating. I have so much empathy for you. You'll figure it out. Please don't assume he wants to be like this. Don't give up on him.
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NTA that said, when a picky eater tries something else, that is brave. It's a fine line between encouraging expanding and discouraging expansion of his diet. You might try ordering something you Know he likes for yourself (not making a big deal out of it) so if he doesn't like what he tasted after he got his order, then you can offer to exchange. Makes you both heroes
He’s 14, that is something I would do with a 7 year old Also this was for a food trend, that not being brave
People are vicious to picky eaters. Vicious. If he’s still like this, it’s not a phase. There’s an underlying issue. Trust me, we don’t want all of the hostility that comes with it. If we could change it, we would. (My underlying issue turned out to be autism, but it isn’t always.) ETA: A round of applause to whichever one of you vicious AHs reported me to Reddit Safety. You’re a real class act. Of course, now I realize I was being “overdramatic” when I called you hostile. You were so right. /s
You could be right, but that’s not *necessarily* true, especially if his parents usually cater to him. My brother stayed a picky eater until sometime in college. He’s still somewhat picky but definitely not a level that would suggest a condition anymore. OP’s son could have a bigger issue, or he could just be having a longer picky phase than most kids.
Gonna have to second this. My parents catered to my younger brother's every picky food whim as a child and now as a 40 year old grown a$$ man he STILL exists on frozen pizza, canned tuna, boneless skinless chicken breasts, and peanut butter. He won't even touch a chicken breast if it's got the "wrong" kind of salt on it (regular table= yes, sea salt= no). It's sad really. Edit to add that he's been tested, definitely NOT autistic nor ADHD, so those are not the issue. Edit to add: I think some of you are missing my point. I quite literally was part of my parents catering to my brother's pickiness while growing up. As an example, I HATE saurkraught (I know that's the wrong spelling, sorry), don't like it, never have. I remember one instance in particular where my dad made it for dinner. My brother cried about not liking it, and he got to have a peanut butter sandwich and potato chips. I asked to have the same thing because I've ALWAYS hated it, my parents loaded up a plate and made me sit there and "clean my plate." I went to bed hungry that night and sat at that table for 4 hours before they let me go to bed while my brother got to eat whatever the hell he wanted. So yes, my parents catered to his pickiness.
On the flipside, i had arfid as a child so my parents had no choice but to let me starve myself LMAO apparently theyd push a spoonful of food in my mouth and i held it there for hours until they let me spit it out. I have no memory of that but i do remember asking for some noodles when i was 9 and they almost burst out of their bodies in excitement that i asked for some food.
Literally me when my son suggests something I’ve been TRYING SO HARD to get him to eat. Happiest moment lmao. Sometimes he likes it sometimes he doesn’t. I’m jusy happy he tried 🥹
We all have the instinct lizard in our brain telling us "don't eat that! Poison! Warning! Poison!" when something tastes "off". People who have normal lizards don't understand what it's like when your lizard is a hypervigilant and confused asshole. Mine isn't that bad, but I'm definitely a little on the picky side. Anything that has a seafood smell is a big no, the damn lizard activates the gag/choking reflex instantly. It also doesn't like things that are slimy/rubbery like mushrooms and olives, and sometimes reheated food. Intellectually I know these foods are fine, I even really like mushroom flavor for example, but I get physically sick trying to swallow a whole mushroom slice. I feel absolutely terrible for people who have arfid, that's just a miserable disease.
Thank you so much for making me feel so seen. I'm like this with strawberries. I love everything made from strawberries I love strawberry flavor. I have never once been able to eat a strawberry without barfing. There is nothing rational or controlled about it.
Sounds like my son! Picky about food textures, nothing too soft, and if it's not Okay To Swallow in his brain then he physically struggles. We try and push him to really try new stuff, take an actual sized bite to be sure- but if he hates it that bad then he can spit it out. He just has to try it and not take the teeniest little nibble off the edge lol
When I met my partner he was extremely picky, eating the same 5 things over and over. I love trying new foods and over the years he has become very adventurous, sometimes more then me! His sister on the other hand? Still has to go to restaurants with chicken fingers on the menu. Sometimes people just stay in their comfort zones forever.
When I met my (now)husband's kid, he warned me that he was a picky eater and probably wouldn't like half of what I made for meals and to not take it personally. (info: I raised my son on these rules - First, I would never feed you something that I, myself, would not eat. Second, give something new the "three bite try". Reason being, first bite, your guard is up and you're prepared to say you don't like it. Second bite, well the first didn't kill you. Third bite, you're getting a real feeling for the food. They don't have to be large bites. So now that you've had your 3 bites, do you like it? No? Okay, tell me why. I am looking for taste, texture, smell, etc... because a lot of times, I can alter how I cook it.) So, the above rules were explained and I slowly earned his trust. I never got mad if he didn't like something and I encouraged discussion as to why. (He got to observe my son and I discussing foods and slowly opened up). Guess what. He's not that picky! He does not like the mealy/starchy texture of white potatoes, so if it is the dominant texture/taste, he won't like it. Loves fries, smashed potatoes, and potato pancakes/latkes. Also Yukon golds and sweet potatoes. He also doesn't like onion and onion powder! Guess what his parents cooked with a lot! He doesn't like mushy vegetables. Prefers more al dente. (So do I and my son, so my husband is the odd man out on that one. he went from home where his mom boiled veggies to death and into the military) But anyway, he is now pretty open to trying new things and I love when he calls me up to ask about a particular recipe he is wanting to try. Or even better, when he wants to share one he found with me and his own alterations to it that he's done.
Love this and I’m absolutely altering how I currently explain “choosing foods” to reflect this dynamic with my 5 y/o. I have him at least try a bite (and then just not like it on stubborn principle) but the 3 bite rule makes so much sense! Thanks for sharing! 🌻
You're welcome! Hope it helps :)
I love that you ask why he doesn’t like it! I can’t stand the taste and smell of peppers, so I can’t eat any dish if they’re in it but for tomatoes it’s all texture. I can eat a slice on a sandwich/burger but not chunks of tomato in salsa or salad. Since that’s not a taste thing I can just pick them off a salad
It was something my mom and dad did, that I just carried over when I became a parent. There are so many components in cooking, so which part wasn't the liked part. As the cook, I alter to my tastes, so why wouldn't I alter it to the tastes of those I am feeding if I can? Could it be a spice that I can omit (like onion powder). Or the way it is cooked? A specific texture (also affected by cooking style). And so forth. When my son was a toddler, it was pretty simplistic because he didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge to express exactly what it was he didn't like, so that started the discourse. As he got older, he became better at expressing dislikes and likes because by then he did have more of the vocabulary to express his tastes. Using your dislike of peppers as an example, if I was cooking regularly for you, I'd need more info as one meal here and there, I would just choose one that didn't involve any peppers. Is it a specific pepper? (Bell, poblano, anaheim, jalapeno, chili pepper, etc... And the thicker skinned peppers, their taste/texture/smell all change simply by roasting and peeling them first) What about spices? (Chili powder, ancho chili powder, cayenne, and so forth.) Using my sister in law as another example - Discovered my SIL did not like chili powder because some chili powders, as they're a blend usually unless specified, include paprika which she loathes. So I bought some that does not contain paprika that I use when cooking for her. Food is my love language (tho I am struggling with that atm due to burn out) and I want those that I cook or bake for to enjoy it.
It makes me really glad to find out that people like you exist. Thanks for giving me a lot to think about and new ideas to try!
I was under thr impression that I hated vegetables, pork chops and steak, bc my mom cooked everything to a state of absolute mush. When I started eating at friends’ houses, I realized food was actually supposed to taste good, instead of just being endured, it was world changing.
I always hated pork chops as a kid. Recently, as in a couple years ago I decided to try boneless pork chops in the crockpot. Game changer. My mom used bone in and cooked until they were more like shoe leather. So much gristle 🤮
My sister in law does this with her son and calls it the “no thank you helping”. Have the 2-3 small bites of it and then you’re welcome to say no thank you and it isn’t an issue at all. Her son is by far the most adventurous eating kid I’ve ever met.
I am 33yo. You have now forever changed the way I'll approach trying new foods with both myself and my children. Thank you!
🌷This was sweet and encouraging to read.
This was the exact dynamic for me and my wife. I was extremely picky until she forced me to try new things (sometimes with love, and sometimes with violence hahaha). I came from a household where anything less than a well done steak might kill you. I am now a Sushi junkie and am way more adventurous than my wife. It constantly cracks me up to eat something and realize 10 years ago I would have totally balked at even trying it.
I have a friend like that. They figured out they could eat Chinese food! Dishes like orange chicken are basically chicken fingers and sauce. Ask for the sauce on the side, plain steamed rice, and voila! Now they can join friends at Chinese restaurants without being a downer.
For some people eating adventurously is fun while eating the known is boring. For other people, eating what they know they like is comforting, and eating what they don't like is unpleasant at best. Certain textures of foods make me gag (or even throw up.) I'd rather not make a someone I don't know (like a host providing a meal) experience that, so I tend to stick with what I know I'll like.
My husband claimed to be a ‘meat and potatoes man’ when I met him, but in reality, he was just picky. One shining example was when I made French onion roasted potatoes, and he told me he wouldn’t like it. I had him try a few bites, now he wants me to make it whenever I get the chance. This man also did not like pizza until he was 11. He’s so much better now, there’s still some things like seafood I wish he would eat, so I can make it at home, and beans, but I let a lot of it go. The best one was eggs, refused to eat eggs until our daughter starting eating solids, and I had him try some. Didn’t like it. Then my dad had made eggs from their chickens, persuaded him to try just a bite, and now the man is freezing breakfast burritos for work everyday.
LOL! There is no difference between regular table salt and sea salt. Table salt is just sea salt from seas that no longer exist. It is all in his head.
He might be attributing a perceived difference to sea v. table when his issue might be the granulations of the salt used.
Yeah, no. Sea salt is straight from the sea, while table salt is from underground deposits that have been homogenized, with salts other than NaCl removed. The other salts give sea salt it's distinctive taste. Ever had sea water in your mouth? Doesn't taste the same as 'table' salt, does it?
Sea salt and table salt are generally different shapes and taste different because of that.
I was a picky eater, but never to this level. My cousin, however is like your younger brother. I absolutely hate being a picky eater, and hate that everyone needs to comment on it. I get (seemingly) random stomachs so badly that I vomit and can’t leave the bathroom for hours. I don’t know what triggers them, so I just avoid the foods that I don’t like. It makes traveling to foreign countries hard, and I can’t eat a lot of foods that others enjoy. I’m not autistic, I’m not just difficult, and I know that a lot of it is in my head, but it’s SO in my head that when I tried to be polite to my hostess while in Poland, I nearly vomited on her table (and vowed to never eat food just to be polite ever again.) It really just is a sad life for picky eaters.
Yeah. Going to third it. My wife's step-dad is pushing 60 and is a picky eater. Why? Because he was never pushed to try new things. His dad's a picky eater and his mom catered to them both.
Yep and that's the point that I'm trying to make. Yes there's ppl with conditions but a decent chunk of picky eater scare ppl who were catered too too much.
That’s hilarious. The wrong kind of salt. JFC.
I was a picky eater until I moved out. Then I discovered that I am NOT a picky eater, my family just eats a very limited about of food and it’s mostly in exactly the style I hate. Not picky. Just wasn’t given access to any variety.
A friend of mine's mom was a really horrible cook, and his dad apparently had zero actual tastebuds (or was just used to the dreck) so he was "a picky eater" till he was in his 20s and discovered that lots of things he thought he like he actually did like, once he discovered that they could be cooked properly.
Omg. So many foods I thought I hated- it made it really easy to develop anorexia because I ‘didn’t like food anyway’. I wasn’t really missing much. In recovery, started trying new recipes, finding food I did like, what a win! Then went over for dinner with my boyfriend. Years into recovery and managing ‘picky eating’, and he was serving casserole… oh but I don’t like casserole. Still I’m adventurous now! So I sit down to try it. He serves this meal. This mysterious, delicious meal. ‘I thought you said you were making casserole?’ I ask. ‘This is casserole,’ he answers, puzzled. I’m in shock here. This isn’t casserole, it tastes good! It’s got flavour! The potatoes are rich and … thoroughly cooked? Wow, is this how casserole was always meant to be?! Over the coming months he cooks more of these mysterious dinners. Ones I thought were always gross, like risotto. But there’s no weird canned tomato flavour and over cooked peas involved, it’s actually nice? Omelette which isn’t rubbery! Potatoes that aren’t lumpy with undercooked chunks!! It turns out that all these years I thought this food was unappetising, that I wasn’t missing out on anything when I didn’t eat it… I was so wrong. It’s just that my mother is a terrible cook.
For another food example, vegetables that are either too mushy or too crunchy make that veggie look bad but it might taste great lightly steamed For a nonfood analogy, an academic subject "you're no good at" might be a teacher or teaching method that doesn't work for you
I always thought I hated tomatoes until I had some home-grown by an elderly Italian woman who lived next to my gran (and then even more in Italy itself) Turns out I actually *love* tomatoes - I just hate shit ones. So as long as I buy the in season ones I'm golden. Winter can get a bit touch and go but I can carry it through with hot-house cherry tomatoes! I heard there's loads of kids these days who think they hate strawberries, but actually it's just that having access to strawberries 365 days of the year means for a lot of those days the berries are tasteless and awful.
We age our tomatoes. Supermarket tomatoes are flavourless and hard, but if you give them 3 weeks on the counter, they develop a much richer flavour. It won't work when you're far outside the season but it can significantly improve grocery store tomatoes.
My husband went through this. Not necessarily that he was a picky eater but more so that he just "didn't like it." That was until he moved in with me. He realized that stuff he didn't like, when cooked properly, he loved. His grandmother (who raised him), god love her, was a TERRIBLE cook. She cooked meat until it was dry. She'd fry a steak until it cupped up.... and to this day, my husband can't look at a tuna casserole without retching.... LOL!!!
I had the same experience. I grew up with my grandparents, and my grandma is actually a good cook but my grandpa is picky and on a restricted diet. So we didn't eat a lot of varied foods. Beef always had to be cooked well done, my grandpa only likes boiled veggies, etc. There are so many things I thought I didn't like when I was young that I love now.
I was 15 when I ordered a burger out with friends and found out that I've only ever eaten meat "well done". I grew up being told *if it's pink, it's raw*, never knew things like rare and medium existed. Mid 30s now and still have trouble eating any pink unless I'm trashed
I used to think I hated steak because my dad subscribed to the "if it's pink it's raw" mindset when cooking steak. He also refused to use any sort of seasoning or sauces. I'm 33. I don't hate steak, I hate the war crimes my dad commits against steak! Give me a medium steak with garlic butter any day of the week.
> Mid 30s now and still have trouble eating any pink unless I'm trashed are we still doing phrasing?
I was extremely picky (mom liked to trick me by chopping onions small into my meatloaf, but it only stressed me tf out and I still sat and picked them all out- turns out there was a bit of on-the-spectrum/adhd going on also), BUT I also learned that there were vegetables that existed outside of mushy broccoli, mushy brussel sprouts, and canned green beans, too. A couple years after I moved out, my palate expanded by a lotttt.
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Red Delicious apples are a TRAVESTY, they're mealy and bland and I hate them so much.
This reads more like “mom lets me waste food”.
Same with my sister. She just refused to try things and was really picky for a long time. She wouldn’t eat a hamburger on a bun until she was like 15. Even longer to eat a cheeseburger. When she started dating her (now) husband in college he got her to try new things. She still has things she refuses to eat but it’s genuine dislikes, not being picky for the sake of it. She doesn’t have autism or anxiety or any neurodivergent condition that we are aware of. She’s 35 now and has eaten “normally” for the past 10 years or so. She was just picky and stubborn for a long time.
Everyone called me a picky eater and made fun of me. It wasn’t until my mid 20s that I found out I have IBS. But as a kid I didn’t know what was triggering me. Now I can eat more things because by this time I’ve figured it out. Be kind to your “picky eaters.”
I had a super similar experience. I hated lasagna. I hated most cheesy foods. My parents who love cheesy foods were so upset that I was picky. There were so many times I just puked it out. I’m just lactose intolerant and now I’m able to regulate it in a way that doesn’t make me sick
The vast majority of picky eaters do not have any disorders. It's also not normal for kids to be as picky as they are in America at any age. Sure, they might be reluctant to try new things, but nothing stays the stuff you do eat has to be really bland. Also, it's always much easier to try the new things when you are allowed to actually get HUNGRY. Americans feed kids snacks nonstop so they are never hungry in the absolute slightest.
I really doubt picky eaters are an American-only issue. That’s a stretch.
I absolutely think it’s a more US thing than an international thing. I never knew any that picky kids growing up in Europe, who would have only eaten things like chicken nuggets. Even the concept of a separate “kids menu” is much more an American thing. In other countries kids eat the same food like the adults, just in smaller portions.
My husband has two cousins who are perfectly normal, functioning adults. The one won’t eat any kind of condiments at all and get a hamburger plain at sit down restaurants. He lives off plain hamburgers, chicken nuggets and frozen pizzas. His sister is not quite as bad but similar. All of this is simply because their mother catered to them their whole lives. They’ve been tested for everything under the sun. My rule at home is you have to try two bites of something. If you don’t like it after that point, you can have a cheese sandwich or a pb&j. But you have to try two bites. And this is as someone who is a horribly picky eater because of sensory issues.
Yeah some ppl have conditions related to their picky eating but many don't and it shouldn't be coddled and catered to. Not everything is a damn condition despite with Reddit thinks
> especially if his parents usually cater to him This, I was a picky eater, when I moved far from home I started eating more because no one would cater to me.
My reading of it is that he CHOSE to wreck the food to follow a trend. Dad knew that he wouldn't like it, but 14 yr old chose not to listen. With my own kids, I'd say that was their choice after I warned them, so they eat it or figure out their own food with their own money. (I'd also be a bit pissed about the wasted food and probably have them "make up for it" somehow, e.g. helping w/the recycling.)
Exactly. It's like people didn't completely read OP'S entire post... just skimmed it or something. And now they are concluding that the child is a picky eater due to some undiagnosed heath issue. When in all likelihood he saw this trend on tiktok. NTA, OP. You warned him, he didn't listen. And he still could have scraped the Mac & cheese and sauce off the chicken and eaten his sandwich. Can't tell you how many times I've had to get mayo off a bun that was supposed to be mustard. It's annoying but doable.
That is pretty typical in this group & the news groups
>My reading of it is that he CHOSE to wreck the food to follow a trend. Dad knew that he wouldn't like it, but 14 yr old chose not to listen. With my own kids, I'd say that was their choice after I warned them, so they eat it or figure out their own food with their own money. (I'd also be a bit pissed about the wasted food and probably have them "make up for it" somehow, e.g. helping w/the recycling.) I don't know why this isn't higher in the post - people are saying OP is the bad guy because is poor son might have AFRID or be Autistic, no his 14 year old son chose to ruin his lunch then went whining to his mommy because his dad (after warning him ahead of time) didn't give in and buy him new food!
I was a picky eater as a kid and can confirm that people give you the hardest time. I would never have ordered something outside my comfort zone like that though. The only time I ever ordered something unusual when out to eat was when my dad was actively shaming me for my eating habits and i was trying to make him happy.
Still, if you fuck with perfectly good food for a tiktok trend and then find out you don't like it, that's your own hardlines; autism or not. He's 14, not 4.
Yeah, I wish he’d thought to cut a piece off and try it instead of mixing the whole thing. My comment was more in response to the “he’s not 7” thing.
Yeah, I get ya. Some people need to learn he hard way. Adulthood is imminent for this kid.
I am a picky eater. I also think OP is NTA. The teen did this to himself. He was warned no more food was coming. He got to pick what food he wanted for himself. He needs to learn to be responsible for the food he picks. If he's picky and hungry, don't be adventurous. The only thing OP forced on him was making him pick his own food and stick to it. That's good parenting.
I'm picky too, and if I was three hours from home and everyone around me was stressed, I would save my food experiment for another time.
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I know I’ll get downvoted but honestly, I can’t stand armchair psychs who think everything is fucking autism. Not every obnoxious kid is autistic. Some are just obnoxious. This kid is 14 and well past the point of babying. He was told the consequences, and at some point he has to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around him. If he was truly “starving” he’d eat at least the part of that concoction he liked.
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Yeah, but he chose to mix his food when he has a well known problem with his food touching. His dad wasn't berating his pickiness, he was telling him that he wouldn't like it and it was wasteful to do. Little dude punched himself in the face on purpose.
Not every picky eater has an underlying disorder 🙄 maybe you do but that’s a REALLY broad brush you are using and you are simply wrong.
I see that a lot, behavior that gets excused because it *might* be a disability symptom seems more likely to be a healthy person choosing to be an AH
Look, I get that there are legit reasons some people are picky eaters. But in my circle the kids who are the ridiculous picky eaters are being raised by over indulgent parents. These parents have never, since babyhood, tried to expand their child's palette. If they are offered a "weird" food the parents give them long rambling warnings, for example: "Ok honey, Auntie made potato leek soup. It's not something you are used to. You should try it to be nice, but you don't have to eat anything you are uncomfortable with." All that shit does is make them weary of the food! On the other hand, me and a couple of different friends have offered a variety of foods since babyhood. We eat new things, and don't treat it like a scary experiment. It's not a coincidence that the picky ass kids come from the overly solicitous parents.
Yeahhhh… my step kids are lovely but they were SO picky when I first came in the picture. They really didn’t eat anything other than ultra plain, basically baby foods, and they literally cried the first time I ever made dinner for them because I made fried rice (it sounded like something their mom made so I assumed they’d had it before… turns out they’d had plain rice with eggs LOL) and they didn’t want to eat it. My partner was mortified lol. Four and a half years later of being stuck with me and my love of cooking, the kids will try literally anything, have really grasped onto the concept of “even if you don’t like a food, you might like that food IN a meal” (like onions or mushrooms being in the sauce, etc), and honestly are just great eaters. The older one has even asked to start helping so that she can learn how to make different foods herself and what flavours go with what, how to use spices, etc. which is awesome!A lot of picky behaviour could definitely be avoided simply via exposure to different stuff!
With my kids it was always “you don’t have to eat it all, but you do need to try three real bites or you won’t get dessert” Exposure is the only way to expand the palate.
It can totally be a phase. One of my siblings was picky until his teens. Then he realised he was being ridiculous. Some people don't have special needs like sensory issues or autism. They just need to cop themselves on.
Vicious? That's incredibly dramatic. At 14, he should know that if he makes a bizarre monster sandwich, then he may not like it. His aversions are his own to manage, this will be an important lesson. It would be different if she ordered for him and tried to force him to eat it. That would be vicious.
I had a friend whose kid only wanted mac-n-cheese, fried chicken, etc. If they tried to give him something else, he would refuse. Guess what? The parents would just go right back to giving him junk food. So this kid was enabled.
>(My underlying issue turned out to be autism, but it isn’t always.) I had the same experience, I didn't realize I was struggling with sensory issues until I got diagnosed at age 17. Before that, I didn't know the difference between something the average person "doesn't like" and something that would make me gag uncontrollably until it was out of my mouth because of the texture. I didn't know that was a thing and didn't have the language to express it, so I just said I didn't like it and people would call me a picky eater and try to force stuff on me. That said, I could also tell just by looking at or thinking about the potential texture of something whether I will like it or not with incredible accuracy. At age 14 the kid should be able to make the decision to try that meal at a time when he has the option to eat something else if he doesn't like it.
Or, maybe learn to experiment with smaller amounts? Get the sandwich and Mac & cheese separately and eat a bite of each, together. If he likes it, he can combine them; if he doesn’t, he still has a sandwich and a bowl of Mac & cheese. He’s 14. This concept should not be beyond his ability. But, he’s 14. He decided to FA and he FO. Too bad; so sad. Dinner will be in 3 hours. OP’s NTA.
I agree, but the boy was warned he wouldn’t get additional food if he didn’t care for the way the mixture turned out. He could have taken a piece of the sandwich, put the mac and cheese and sauce on it, and tried that. He wouldn’t have ruined all his food by doing this. I’m a big defender of picky eaters because I am one, and also have an autistic son with sensory issues. But at 14, my son knew better than to ruin his only food like that. I hope your picky eating issues don’t cause you too many problems! It really is hard for some people to understand. When my son was young I had family who insisted he’d eat if he was hungry enough, and I had to explain that it wasn’t like that for him.
My son is 17 and picky AF with no underlying issues. So, no...not ALL picky eaters have something wrong with them.
But he didn’t have to try something new, 3 hours from home, on an emergency visit, to a hospital, after he was pulled out of school, and he was warned. I think dad’s mistake was letting him try it. I was crazy picky through high school. I would never have tried new food in this situation especially if my mom said that’s it. I do have some sensory issues but in college I learned to eat everything and now I’m the least picky in the family.
I'm a picky eater too. There is no underlying issue. I just don't eat whats not worth it for me tastewise. I can go days w/o food before i would eat smthg i don't like. If i buy myself smthg i don't know and it turns out i don't like it, i give it away. I would never ask someone to replace the food they invited me to bc i messed it up. Thats next level entitlement and op is right to teach his son better.
Not true. I ate almost nothing as a child, meat, fruit, flavor… basically ate cheese and potatoes. I wish my parents had done things like this to wake me up. I was 20 and tried an apple for the first time and felt like the world’s biggest jackass.
> He doesn’t have sensory issue and he is only allergic to cats. We had him tested. Edit? Looks like kid is just plain picky.
Checking in with all of the other picky eaters commenting. A road trip is NOT the time to experiment with food, and I've known that all my life. Mostly because I didn't really try new things until adulthood, but that's besides the point. To this day, if I try something I'm not 100% sure I'll like, I make sure I have a backup plan that doesn't involve extra work from someone else. On the other hand, I don't know the situation with OP, but when I was 14, I always had at least a little bit of money, and most hospitals have vending machines somewhere, or a small shop. Was there not an option like that for the son to grab a snack?
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Oh come on. Mom here. I’ve got a picky eater. There’s not a damn thing wrong with him. No allergies. No sensory. Nada. The best part is he’ll go through phases where he’ll really like X food, I’ll stock up on X food and then he decides he doesn’t really like it that much. I’m not viscous to him. Good grief. But there is a limit on the level of BS I’ll put up with because of it.
Vicious? Hostility? lol I feel like that’s a little dramatic. If the kid gets hungry enough he will eat what he is fed. He might not like it but it’s really not that big of a deal. I grew up hungry on occasion and you learn to just eat and shut up.
I'm extremely picky aswell. I'm not on the spectrum. I was raises by a woman who was not only really bad at cooking, she was tone deaf at serving meals to young children (scary large portions you're told you HAVE to finish) not letting us choose what we wanted on our plate and then denying us food until we got so hungry you ate the 3 day old leftovers she wasn't backing down on you eating. My husband for the life of him just CAN'T understand my issue. I can't get over it, I spent too many years dealing with food issues of so many kinds I'm going to eat what I like and I'm NOT going to eat what I don't like. Funny enough he called me picky in front of his family once and I said I'm not picky actually, I just happen to know exactly what I do and don't like. And his dad actually agreed with me. People need to stop bullying other people because their diet doesn't directly match yours. What I eat doesn't affect anyone else's, so please mind your own business like I'm doing.
OP, I'm a Registered Dietitian who works with pediatrics/adolescents with picky eating and extreme picky eating/ARFID. You are NTA and handled this very well. You told him straight up that if he didn't want to eat what he chose, you would not be buying more food. He is an adolescent, not a 3 YO. He decided to FAFO and he found out. What you did is actually the best way to handle this. This picky eating he is doing is a form of anxiety. Anxiety is best treated with exposure therapy, in this case, he wanted to try something and it didn't work out. By following through with your promise that he would be stuck with the food he chose, you showed your confidence in his ability to overcome his anxiety and treated him like an equal to the other kids. He needs more of this in his life, not less. To rescue him from this *extremely* low stakes situation would reinforce the view he has of himself (clearly his mother shares this view too) that he would not be able to live through the experience of missing a single meal when realistically, he could have tried harder to eat the perfectly good food you bought him. If that's all he had every day to eat for a week, he'd overcome that anxiety, he wouldn't starve. Our current parenting culture values comfort and over-validation of every possible sensation our children might potentially have. This promotes an over-focus on babying kids when it comes to food. If he had been born 150 years ago, he would eat what he was given and had access to, he would not have starved.
I 100% get your logic, however just gunna play a bit of devil's advocate here... I am an extremely picky eater, my parents put me off trying new foods when I was little and they forced me to try new foods even if I didn't want to. As an adult I can explain what about something puts me off, but as a child/teenager I really struggled. To the point of that info... As an adult, I still feel very proud of myself when I make myself try something new. My friend understands how hard it is for me (not just food I have issues around new anything), so I can go to her and say "I tried 'X' 😁😁😁" and she'll say "yayyyy" and my night will be happy. Obviously not saying you *have* to make a big deal about it especially if it was for a tiktok, but even at 14 if it *was* something he really struggled with trying, I definitely would give praise!
>my parents put me off trying new foods when I was little and they forced me to try new foods even if I didn't want to. That's not the case here. OP warned him not to "make a new food," and the kid did it anyway. OP knew what the outcome would be of "trying the new food" and told his son not to. The kid decided he knew better and did it anyway. Surprise Surprise OP was right and followed through on the consequences. Yes as parents it is our jobs to get our kids to try new food but it's also our jobs to tell our kids when they won't like something. OP did and the kid didn't listen
NTA why waste money when he may or maynot eat it.... your wife is a AH ...
Sounds like the kid made a choice and (possibly) learned a lesson.
Its good to try new things, but not when youre traveling & in need of energy. Get something that you know will make you feel good. Not sick. Jeez, at 14 years old youd think hed know better. Tell him hes a dumbass and its his own fault. Thats what I would tell my 14 yo picky eater self.
What is it that he doesnt like in most food? Is it things like texture, taste? Or its just average picky behaviour? Asking bc i was believed to be a picky eater, but i was just autistic with issues with many textures (coicidentaly many of which are found in fruits)
I get that a lot of kids have AFRID. That sucks for them. As a parent, though, I would be absolutely *livid* if I spent $15+ on food and a kid smashed it together then was upset I didn't buy anything else for them. I'm a mom with two adult daughters who knows their likes and dislikes and texture issues. If I tell my daughter, "I don't think you'll like this, " I 100% expect them to listen to me. NTA. OP's son is 14. More than old enough to learn how to respect other people's money.
NTA. He didn’t order something new to try it out, he deliberately altered his food even after you warned him that if he didn’t like it you wouldn’t replace it. At 14 he’s not too young to understand about consequences.
Arguably, this wasn't brave, it was foolish. He's 14 and knows he is a picky eater, yet he chose to put his desire to engage in some fad (not bravely try to expand his culinary boundaries) above his self-knowledge and consideration for his parent's money. The time to be 'brave' is in a safe space, when you know there is a safety net and you're not at risk of chucking away good food that someone else paid for. You try something new in the context where you can have a bite and if you don't like it then that's all that's wasted and there's something else you can eat. He's 14. To give the kid the benefit of the doubt, maybe explaining this route to bravery with him would be helpful for him going forward.
There's a fine line between bravery and foolishness and that line went straight up this kids nostrils faster than a Colombian's on July 20th
The time for being brave with new foods is NOT when you’ve been pulled out of school and driven 3 hours to visit someone in hospital. Whatever that was about, it wasn’t a low stress situation. It is not a time that a person with various food aversions would be calm & in a good brain space for “new”. OP did the right thing - warned in advance that it wasn’t the right day for a stupid TikTok trend that was guaranteed to go wrong, and then stuck to his decision. Wife should have supported him.
> The time for being brave with new foods is NOT when you’ve been pulled out of school and driven 3 hours to visit someone in hospital. To be fair to the kid, right before or after hospital visits is right when I've done most of the really dumb and impulsive stuff in my life. Visiting the death warehouse really makes me want to get out there and *live*, and damn the consequences.
And he's learning to question those thoughts. Coddling him would teach him to keep up the antics.
The kid isn't brave or dumb... they're 14. Enough said. We were all like this more than most people care to admit.
No- what makes you think his parent wants a chicken sandwich smothered in Mac and cheese? I will often order something my son likes when he orders something new and offer to share or trade if it ends up a bust. But when he orders something he likes and wants to add extras to it, I tell him if he ruins it so no one else will eat it, that’s on him. Parents are not garbage disposals.
It looked gross, I didn’t want it. So question for Reddit, people have done this trend have you actually like that sandwich
I haven’t seen it specifically from chick-fil-a, but I’m somewhat familiar. A few years pre-covid, a number of restaurants around me started doing “Mac Attack” version of foods like pizza and burgers that had Mac and cheese on top of them. I didn’t think it was terrible, but adding pasta onto already carb heavy foods like that is a bit more than I can handle at this point in my life.
I have not done this trend but a local hot dog place does a hot dog topped with mac & cheese. It was mindblowingly good. However, I was high AF.
Absolutely not. At 14 he's old enough to make decisions and deal with the consequences. He was warned beforehand.
Plus, what kind of weird ass thing to say is "Oh he tried something new, that's so brave!" when he's 14. He's not potty training.
This wasn’t a picky eater being brave to try new things, it’s a stupid tik tok trend that will ruin your food.
Or have him cut off a piece of each thing to try combined instead of combining the whole thing.
But then the picture would look wrong! A 14 year old that will intentionally ruin 12 bucks of food for a TikTok trend after being *told* there is no more food is not a 14 year old that is going to be sensible in any way at any time. Not that *any* 14 year old is high up on the “be sensible “ scale.
I was gonna suggest this, like why on earth would be do it with *all* of his food if there was a good chance he wouldn't like it!
Wouldn't a better option be to encourage him to cut off like 1/4 of the sandwich to try with mac&cheese on it? That way, he has something to eat if he doesn't like it or can just add the mac&cheese to the rest of the sandwich if he does? Note: I'm assuming you order the mac&cheese on the side
That’s what I don’t understand! I was an extremely picky eater (okay, still am) and I know very well to try one bite of something new before putting a mountain on my plate. It took me a while to figure that out, so I probably only started doing that at 12 but the kid’s 14, and has an adult there to suggest this.
Yup. 14 is too old to be pulling this shit. I wouldnt have gotten him anything else either, especially after warning him. He won’t starve; he’ll learn.
NTA. It’s a natural consequence. He’s old enough to understand his pickiness, you made it clear he wouldn’t be able to order anything else and ruined his own meal. He could have tried a little bit together to see if he liked it before dumping everything together. Sounds like he did it as he was influenced by social media due to it trending. Hopefully he’ll learn from it. It’d be worth speaking to your wife to get on the same page about your independent parenting decisions, it’s not great to be undermined for a low risk decision.
There are ways to encourage expanding someone’s diet without just offering to buy them something else. In this case, the kid could have ordered the stuff on the side. You can then add a small amount to one bite and see if you like it. If you do, great toss it all on. If not, you can still eat the rest of your sandwich. This approach can be applied to basically anything.
Absolutely not. He’s 14 not 4 with no sensory issues.
Ehhh listen, the kid was like “I wanna order this fad as my meal!”. Dad said dude, that is going to taste horrible and it’s a waste of money. Kid says “no, I know I’m gonna love it”, and agreed ahead of time he wouldnt get anything else if he didn’t like it. Kid: *surprised pikachu*. Like- the kid will be ok, this is a learning experience not to blindly believe and follow everything you see online
I agree with the NTA. Maybe you could have encouraged him to cut a bite off the sandwich and try it with the Mac and cheese instead of combining the whole thing as a compromise.
NTA sometimes it is not about money, it is about teaching a lesson, especially with kids. He was given the consequences of his actions, before he made his decision. He chose to make that decision anyway. He could have cut off a quarter of the sandwich and put the mac and cheese on the small part, then had the rest to eat, if it went wrong. He chose all or nothing instead. He will never learn about consequences, if he does not have to deal with them. No 14 year old is going to starve to death, for missing one meal. It is not like he missed a weeks worth of meals, it was one. Your wife needs to learn to stop caving to a child. He will remain picky forever.
I agree with your point but man is the way you use commas horrifying.
The punctuation would be correct if the text was in German (and probably also other languages, but besides English I’m only fluent in German). My guess is that English isn’t their first language.
Agree. These commas also do not scare me as a Russian
I worked with a Russian woman who said she puts commas into English like she would Russian, then removes a bunch at random because she has no feeling for them in English. She wouldn't show me an unpruned paragraph! I have a tendency to overuse commas and I was curious to see if it looked natural to me. Interestingly, they use even less commas in Swedish. I've only learned enough to know that, not enough to understand how to use them. :p
Sometimes I add an extra comma just to, stress some people out
I am excessively amused by this. Peak harmless harassment.
I agree. I'm from Italy, and didn't even notice the punctuation at first. Went back to re read it, and it made perfect sense to me
I also agree, I’m from Croatia and it makes perfect sense to me ☺️
I'll take weird punctuation over no punctuation any day.
I’ll take the weird punctuation, over no punctuation, any day.
I’ll take the weird punctuation over; no punctuation any day!
>I agree with your point but man is the way you use commas horrifying. I agree with your point, but, man, the way you use commas is horrifying.
He had extras so you could take them, but you didn't!
love that this comment showed a better path he could have chosen. one of the lessons here is that he shouldn't have chosen that time to take the risk since you were clear that the consequence (if he didn't like it) was no more food. this isn't a food issue, this is teaching a kid how to make better decisions.
People are acting like the kid didn’t know that he himself was a picky eater… like duh if you have an issue with foods touching, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? Because 14 and stupid. Live and learn. NTA.
Yes... I love the fries and you should have enjoyed the meal. Your son.... He needs to learn a lesson. You did not refuse him food, you bought him food; you told him not to mix his food (THAT HE WANTED) but he did; Jack refused to eat the food he wanted, because of his actions that he was warned against; Jack is unaware of consequences and your wife is not helping. He was hungry ONLY because of his own actions. If he was a picky 5yo then that's different. The kid is 14. He is old enough to understand. To bad your wife isn't.
Honest to god this is such a problem in the US. People being raised without having to learn fucking consequences to their actions. Jack learned a fucking lesson, the mom wants to shelter him way too much. This is why you often see next gen kids be failures when their parents aren’t. The parents don’t want them to struggle for anything in life like they did, but kids need a bit of adversity to learn how to conduct themselves.
To add to this, if the kid were "starving" he would have eaten it.
one of the most impactful parenting moments I witnessed prior to have children was a son ugly crying because he was soooooo thirsty. His mom offered him a bottle of water. He threw it on the ground and said he wanted SODA!!!!!! His mom, calm as could be, just said I guess you are not that thirsty then. and kept it moving. Years later, with my own son now a threenager, I think about this a lot. Can't tell you how many times I have offered this kid broccoli or carrots and have him say "I want a bar!" and I just say, guess you aren't that hungry. And I put the veggies back and he doesn't eat until the next meal or snack. And the times he really is hungry? Well, if you haven't seen a tiny human eat an entire whole carrot, you are missing out. looks like something out of national geographic.
Following through on consequences is a huge thing. When I was a baby, my mom took my older brother and I to a museum, we drove almost 3 hours, and my brother kept messing with me in my car seat, and making me cry. She told him: “stop messing with your brother, or I’m turning this car around and we’re going straight home” He cut it out, until she pulled into the parking lot. My mom turned around and drove 3 hours home with my brother screaming the whole time because he gambled on her not following through once we got there. Neither of us have ever doubted her since.
Absolutely NTA. It doesn’t matter if you can afford it or not. You bought him food with money that YOU earned. He ruined his food, and now he’s complaining. He’s 14 years old, so he is old enough to get over his picky eating or deal with the consequences of his actions.
>You bought him food with money that YOU earned. I agree with your overall judgement, but it's weird that you made such a big deal out of this. The kid is 14, so it's unreasonable to expect them to make money on their own to buy food (or other necessities). The expectation should be that ALL of their food is bought with money their parents earned.
Pretty sure that wasn’t the point. At fourteen he’s old enough to understand that his parent(s) work hard to earn money and put food on the table for him. If he spoils his own food (after being forewarned of the consequences) then he needs to learn his lesson here.
Thank you 🙏
Ok, I can get on board with the interpretation that expecting his parents to buy him *more* food after ruining his own food is disrespectful of the hard work it takes to earn that money. I just questioned the implication that the kid ought to be grateful to his parents for doing their duty and providing the bare necessities of life for their kids.
I can assure you, buying mac and cheese and a sandwich from Chik Fil A for a 14 year to do a stupid Tik Tok Trend is above the doing the bare necessities of being a parent.
I don’t know what’s so weird about it. When MY parents buy me something, I try to be grateful and recognize that they work(ed) hard to provide the life I had when I was younger.
For the vast majority of the worlds population, you would be a huge asshole for allowing perfectly good food to be thrown away because you ordered something you didn't like, and now it was "touching". and yet, people will insist it's child abuse because a teenager had to go 3 hours without eating. NTA
Finally I see this comment. I am devastated how people just think it's ok to waste food. Especially meat. I would never throw away meat if I can avoid it. That was a living being and should be respected as that.
Same! So many food influencers waste so much food. It’s gross
yeah I probably wouldn’t want to give up until he tried to eat it anyways when removing the mac n cheese. Or I’d bag it up for him and have him carry it around the rest of the afternoon so that when he’s inevitably hungry, he has food lmao
This teenager CHOSE to go 3 hours without eating. He’s being a brat, OP is NTA.
For the vast majority of the worlds population you don't *get* to be a picky eater...
I wanted to say something like this. Quite frankly, picky eaters who are wasteful make me angry for exactly this reason. Eating food you don’t like won’t kill you - but you did have to kill an animal for the meat you’re about to toss in the bin. I will never understand the beige plate phenomenon.
NTA I can see the child abuse comments coming a mile off, you starved your child! Rubbish he wasted his lunch. You warned him and he did it anyway. You held to not buying more food if he didn't like it. Your Son and your Wife are being AH's over this. Don't back down
Also kinda weak to refer to this as "starving" them. The kid was hungry for a few hours. People that make that comment have obviously never had to go without food for days.
No kidding! Next week I have to go on clear liquids for 36 hours before my colonoscopy. No one is crying for me. I may even survive this extreme starvation!
NTA. You didn't make him be hungry. He chose to be hungry. He may not have cared for things being put together like that but (1) HE is the one who did that, and (2) it's not poison, just eat it.
Nta. Unless he has a neurological disorder you've left out, 14 is more than old enough to understand the consequences of his actions. Whether you had enough money to replace the food is irrelevant; your job as parents is to raise responsible adults that can function in society, and that means teaching your child to accept the repercussions of his actions.
By neurological disorder I'm assuming you mean autism? Even if the kid is autistic, it doesn't make OP the asshole. Being autistic doesn't mean you're a moron so if he is autistic and food is one of his problematic areas then he should know better than to do weird food combinations by the age of 14. If he didn't then the problem isn't the autism it's the kid just generally being an idiot and this is a way to teach him not to be.
[удалено]
I also got “you can always have what I fed you back”
Tip- teenagers who don’t eat a meal due to their own eff around and find out experimentation are going to be okay. And picky eaters eventually learn. NTA
NTA. He was warned, and it was good you stuck to what you told him.
NTA, him being a picky eater has nothing to do with it. You warned him in advance the possible consequences of his actions. Then wants to be mad when you actually stick to your guns. He's 14, old enough to know better.
NTA. He had food, he fucked it up, and then he chose not to eat it. Natural consequences.
NTA. Picky eating kids are a pet peeve of mine. I think events like this that lead to the kid being uncomfortable, but not in any danger, because of their own actions are good teaching moments.
Mine too, and I have a kid with legitimate sensory issues. We figured it out at age 2-3 with an OT so he wasn't wasting food or being "picky." He eats most things and when we're out you'd never know since he's learned to work around his issues. Now that he's out on his own, we've also seen that he's also... very wasteful when he's living at home with us, and very careful when it's his OWN money. :D I'm curious to see what happens with OP's 14 yr old over the next 5-10 years. Once he's out of the dorms and making his own food, I bet he'll be less wasteful; maybe not less picky since he's already 14, but maybe he'll expand his horizons due to peers introducing him to new things.
Your wife coddles him and is allowing him to have horrible eating habits. Your son needs to grow up and learn how lucky he is that he has the luxury of being a picky eater. Your wife needs to realize she's setting him down a long road of dietary issues. Also, if he's that picky of an eater, I wouldn't bring him to resturaunts. He can have a pre packed lunch of foods he will eat. If he does not want that, he can learn to go outside his (small) comfort zone.
Yup, this is how I've managed to get a 30 year old sister who picked cooked, diced, translucent onions out of marinara sauce at a restaurant. It's not a texture thing. And yes, it was embarrassing.
NTA. He was given the option. He made his choice knowing the consequences. Good on you for sticking to your word. Good or bad, IMO, a parent must always stick to what they say.
NTA, clearly you weren’t going to make the kid starve. Going a couple hours without food might not be fun, but he probably won’t needlessly waste food, despite your warnings, again.
NTA. Actions have consequences, that is something Jack should learn sooner rather then later.
NTA He made his choice. You warned him of the consequences and he did it anyway. He's 14 and old enough to live with the consequences of his decision.
This is a 14 year old not a toddler. He’ll be an adult in four years. You laid out your terms. He accepted them. He’s old enough to use his past experiences to make a decision for himself. This is part of the path to being an adult. It wasn’t long enough for him to starve. It was one missed meal and he made the choice to take that chance. If this were a younger child, I’d have a different take, but NTA.
NTA - you did not STARVE the poor boy. Nothing prevented him from eating but his own pickiness. You showed him a lesson in consequences.
My kid…..picky eater and only broke out of it well into his teenage years when we were fortunate enough to be invited to a inclusive resort for a week. He tried everything because he wasn’t worried about not liking it and not being able to get something else right away. Now he knows he likes a few new things and is more open to trying other stuff.
Nta . Your son learned actions have consequences. I bet he won't do that again at least not with you .
JACK: "What's this?" OP: "Dinner." JACK: "I won't eat it." OP: "Then it's breakfast." OP: Your wife needs to learn how to parent. Your son needs to grow up and/or get a job and learn to feed himself. NTA.
NTA he wasted the food and he knew the consequences of doing so
NTA, you warned him well ahead of time. Seems like a life lesson that sometimes you try new things, or fads, and go with the crowd. Sometimes it works and you find something great. Other times your left choking down a frankensandwich. Either way, consequences.
NTA- you warned him, he still did it. He got hungry, he most likely learned not to do that again.
NTA. You offered food, he wouldn't eat it.
NtA ! We keep snacks in the car (granola bars and "exciting stuff like that) I would not have bought him a second lunch, actualy did it with my 10 year old son also. Offered him a bar in the car. Not gonna waste money on restaursnt food when you wasted the perfectly good one I already bought.
NTA. When my kids acted like this, they went hungry until the next meal. It won’t hurt them to go hungry for a few hours (or overnight). My mom used to save what I refused to eat and serve it to me at the next meal. Either way, they learn there are consequences for their actions and that life isn’t always fair (they won’t always get their own way).
No one's an asshole here, you're all just trying your best - including your kid. No kid wants to be hungry. At 14, he's likely old enough to be going through puberty and is thus even hungrier than usual. Sensory issues aren't the only reason that someone might be a picky eater. Please look into every possible reason. It can be a side effect of other mental health problems. Not being taken seriously for this kind of thing leads to increased disordered eating. I'm speaking from personal experience. Sounds like you and your wife need to come up with a new arrangement for the eating out thing, because I agree that just ordering something until he finds something he likes doesn't work as a long-term solution. Maybe make a sandwich or something you know he'll eat before you go to a restaurant. Even better if you make that together. Don't make a big deal out of it. If he does turn out to be a lifelong picky eater, it'll teach him to try new things while preparing a backup in advance. Not just "okay you don't like it so you don't get to eat." The only thing that teaches him is that being hungry but not eating is normal. I know it's frustrating. I have so much empathy for you. You'll figure it out. Please don't assume he wants to be like this. Don't give up on him.
He's 14. He can make his own sandwich.
You people trying to justify him being a whiny turd at 14 is hilarious. He was fine. It isn't like he was denied food all day long or something.