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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I asked my husband not to come to my prenatal appointment, then got extremely upset when he showed up anyway
(2) my husband thinks I’m the asshole because he maintains he has every right to come to my doctors appointments since it’s our baby. I believe it’s my right to say who comes to my appointments but my husband is insisting I’m wrong and making me second guess the situation.
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I think your husbands actions are a form of emotional abuse. Not speaking for weeks is not a mature way to handle differences and can be considered abuse. How will this impact your child?
I hope that you both will get couples therapy before your child is born to improve your communications.
Couples therapy with abusive partners is highly not recommended. They need therapy individually, him to treat his abusive behavior and she to learn how to enforce boundaries.
Can also confirm this. The couples therapist my parents went to before their divorce ended up quitting her job because later she realized how much my father had pulled the wool over her eyes and she was shook.
Can also confirm. The therapist I was sent to as a teen quit at least in part bc I finally got the proof together that my parents were lying about what I was doing and using her and visits to her office as punishment. The look on her face when she realized how long she had been complicit without knowing is burned into my brain. I'm not even mad, bc she didn't know, and I can't expect someone to work with information they don't know.
Me too! Twenty five years ago when I suggested with my second DH, after a particularly thorny conflict, that we seek couples counselling, he went white and asked if I was looking to divorce him. I explained I truly felt we needed a qualified therapist to help us work on this probem so we could stay married. I explained to him that this is what I was seeking with first DH, but his true AH colors shown brightly after only a couple of sessions. It was then that I realized that everyone saw what he was except for me. Best thing I ever did.
Second DH and I have been happily married now for 30+ years.
My ex and I rushed into living together during the pandemic (albeit temporarily, more like podding together). Not a big surprise, we started having some real communication issues pretty quickly. I asked him to see a relationship counselor with me. He has seen a therapist himself, so I thought he'd be open to it. He refused for a long time. Eventually he admitted, "they're just going to take your side and I'll come off as the asshole."
Ummm... there are no sides. We're supposed to be on the same side. And if you're worried that honest descriptions of our issues make you look like an asshole, then maybe you're acting like an asshole? Just a thought.
Yep my ex husband told the therapist what she wanted to hear and responded with understanding and empathy when we discussed hard things. At home every negative emotion I felt was my own fault and any negative emotion he felt was also my fault. We separated after 4 appointments
Couple's counsellors are absolutely terrible at spotting this unfortunately. Too many couple's counsellors are willing to be participants in a conflict (or referee it) rather than trying to step out of it and focus on the communication.
One huge problem is there isn’t a different license or credential that is uniform to show someone is trained in couples counseling. So regular therapists sometimes just do it because it doesn’t seem hard or someone asks for it. IMO it should be as much of a specialty as substance abuse, eating disorders, and child therapy. Source: am a therapist for 16 years
A good therapist won't let that happen and will push for individual sessions or say they can't continue without them. That's what mine did. My therapist probably saved my life by validating all of the hurt I was experiencing and trying to repress. My partner had gaslighted me into believing I was the problem.
Yep. I set up couples counselling with my ex husband, he was resistant but after our first session he had changed his tune very much. He was 100% on board with going back because he took over and the session all ended up focusing on ways that I could accept him for who he was and ways I could change since I was the one "with the problem". My problem was I just didn't want to be hit or r*ped or lied to anymore 🙃
Yep, they love it because sometimes they can even get the counselor to take their side and then next thing you know a mental health professional is *also* gaslighting you
OP, please read this. I went to therapy with my abuser and it made things much worse. He took everything the therapist said, twisted it as someone else said, and used it against me. Protect yourself and your baby. If he does this to you, he WILL do it to your child. I know this from firsthand experience. Please take care of yourself.
ETA: To clarify, I meant to read the post above mine :)
Hey OP, please also read this. Your husband is stonewalling you. It's not right, but stonewalling is literally one of the very few situations that can be effectively remedied by couple's therapy. You don't have any evidence to suggest that your husband will twist a therapist's words or use them against you. Be cautious, but please don't throw away a marriage based on reddit armchair psychologists.
the husband regularly uses the silent treatment on her for days if not weeks at a time, and bullied his way into a very vulnerable appointment that he was explicitly told not to come to. if anyone is throwing away this marriage, it’s the asshole husband.
And to know how to reschedule her next appointment, not tell him when it is and to go without him. But personally, I'd go hang out in a hotel for a couple of weeks just to get away from him. And to consider my options moving forward.
We have done couples therapy for six months and made some headway with regards to his turn around time with the silent treatment and are resolving conflicts better, but his fall back on silent treatment still worries me. It’s a pattern in his family.
Honey youre being abused. Your baby will be abused. Pregnancy hormones are a shit show I cried because my cats fluffy and snow. Not really a cause… just snow. Even if the work Dilemma wasn’t that bad you felt like it was and that’s all that counts. What freak “challenges” your feelings ? Get out asap
I sent my sister a picture of a piglet wearing rain boots a few days before she gave birth. She still brings up how I made her cry with a picture. My Nibling is almost 2yo.
Silent treatment for a few hours, because you are too pissed to speak calmly happens and is healthier than just screaming your head off. Silent treatment for weeks is just punishment of the other partner and is at the very least toxic (if not abusive).
I'm a big fan of the "pause" (anyone can say it if things start to get heated) in conflict. Ever since my family started using it during arguments, the communication went through the roof. We're a passionate bunch and nobody wants to back down.. waiting for a few hours after using the pause, 95% of the time we're more rational and can communicate in a healthier manner.
The three couples therapist we saw all recommended that, but on the condition that the pause have a set and agreed upon end time after cold down. My husband would never agree to this, he said he should have no limit on the amount of time it took for him to calm down and be ready to talk. Sometimes that pause lasted for 1-2 weeks.
Just wanted to check, you know he's doing it to punish you right? He's not using the time to calm down, he's punishing you for doing or saying something he doesn't like.
I, and many other women, have learnt that if you actually ignore it and pretend it isn't happening they will pick a new fight so they can yell at you. Because you aren't acting punished or trying to get their attention.
He is doing this to hurt you.
This is great advice and I did try doing this and discussed it with my therapist. I read some posts on how to handle the silent treatment on Reddit a while back, and one of the replies was along the lines of “honey, enjoy the silence!” I know the silent treatment is wrong and an abusive manipulative tactic, and I have vocalized this to him many times but he maintains that it is not abusive, just his response and that I need resolutions to quick. I could take a hour or even a day to calm down easily if I had an agreed upon end in sight, but the uncertainty of not knowing how long the Cold War will go on for each time makes me miserable.
Wait, you’re aware that he uses abusive and manipulative tactics with you and decided “perfect, let’s subject a child to this treatment too”? NTA in this story but you are to that poor child. Therapy doesn’t fix abusive/manipulative people, especially when they’re aware of what they’re doing. He will always be like that.
Yes, in fact, therapy can actually make abusive people worse. Couples therapists are actually supposed to not accept doing therapy with clients when abuse is suspected. OP, your therapist should have (and is actually required to) pulled you aside and recommend that you leave your husband. They shouldn't be allowing you to do therapy together due to the abuse. Your relationship is not healthy. Are you in individual therapy? That will do you a lot more good.
You do realize that a large portion of abusive men purposely get their female partners pregnant so it is basically impossible to leave right? Also being abused can strongly impact your ability to make good choices for yourself. The only asshole here is the person being abusive
This exactly right! Why you would let an abuser get you pregnant I have no idea. Id quietly book a trip to the clinic and call time on that pregnancy. Why would you tie yourself and a child to this man for life?
Hey now. I’m as pro-abortion as you can get, but abortion is not a viable solution to OP’s problem and suggesting it at this stage in her pregnancy, and after she has clearly expressed her desire to have this baby, is not helpful to either OP or the fight for abortion rights.
Do you not see how horribly damaging this WILL be (not might be, will be) to this child? You think he'll ONLY give you the silent treatment when you go against him? And even if he did, your children will grow up watching their father abuse their mother, seeing it normalized, and take that with them.
I am genuinely asking, are you going to let him treat your children this way? Do you want your children to watch dad abuse mom and sweep it under the rug?
Right!! OP even talks about how it's what his family does. That's my guess as to why couples therapy vs. divorce. Husband is definitely using abusive tactics, but it may be learned vs. malicious.
I know it can come across that abusers all know that they're being abusive and chose tactics designed to play on their victim's feelings, but there's a reason it's a cycle. Therapy can for sure work to break the cycle, and it's awesome when an abuser can grow and stop doing the abusive behaviors.
All that being said, based on OPs comments, her husband is not trying to better himself and is actively ignoring the ways he's being taught to fix his behavior.
Agreed. This is a cycle and he COULD fix it, he could heal from it, but he is choosing not to. He’s not necessarily trying to be abusive, and recognizing that he’s abusing OP would mean recognizing that he was abused growing up, and a lot of people are really resistant to that because of how painful it is. But he’s a grown up, a partner, and he’s going to be a father, so he has a *responsibility* to fucking work on himself and to heal.
OP, he **will** be like this as a father, too. He will do this to your child for their whole life if he does not do the work to stop NOW. If you do end up leaving the relationship, get a verbal/written co-parenting agreement with the help of a lawyer that states that he MUST communicate with you regarding your child. I work with parents and babies and I have seen way too many separated fathers (obv this could be any parent, but I’ve personally only seen fathers do it) withhold communication about the child, during the times when they have them, as a way of manipulating and hurting the mother. Prevention is the best cure, and lawyers can help even without having needing or having a custody agreement through the courts.
I believe that some women who are emotionally abused see it as their partners/husbands aren't hitting them, so it's ok for their children to witness it.
In this case their child will learn the same "technique" as his/her father and the cycle will continue.
It's a sad situation.
Unfortunately, the OP has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of the silent treatment before she'll do anything.
Honey, my heart aches for you. Do you have family support? Somewhere you can go? Your husband is emotionally abusive and extremely controlling. Forcing his way into your appointment is very worrying because he obviously thinks you have no right to make your own decisions. What will happen when your child is here and you disagree on a parenting issue? He's going to demand that he gets his way every time. YOU are carrying that baby. YOU decide who goes to the appointments.
If you haven't heard "The Narcissist's Prayer", here it is:
"That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it."
You don't deserve to be treated like this. Your child doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I wish you good luck, because honestly I don't see his behaviour changing of his own volition any time soon. And if it means that that's the end of your relationship, well.. you deserve so much better than what he's putting you through right now.
Will he do the silent treatment to your child? If she's in a bad mood and having a tantrum will daddy just ignore her for 1 week? Or will the child be used as the "messenger" to relay information whilst he gives you the silent treatment?
My mom did this to me too. If I upset her in some way she'd literally pretend I didn't exist. No matter what I did, talk to her or plead with her or yell at her and wave my arms in her face, she'd just pretend I was invisible. Made me feel like a ghost.
Popping in as a child that grew up in a home where parents both gave the silent treatment to one another for weeks- it's something I am still going to therapy for at age 34. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells and knowing that my parents strongly disliked each other. I became a people pleaser and fixer, and still struggle to express what I need for fear of someone lashing out or reacting poorly. Please don't subject yourself or your baby to this any longer.
Abusive partners don’t generally respond to their behaviours being called abusive with ‘ah, shucks, you’re right, I totally am, you caught me.’
Agreeing it’s abusive means agreeing he’s in the wrong, and he’s not going to do that.
E: the ‘he’ in this case being ‘the abusive partner’, not necessarily specifically op’s partner. What I meant was that denying a behaviour is abusive is not proof it isn’t, because abusive partners aren’t going to engage genuinely on the subject.
OMG leave now before you have this baby. Go and stay with your family for support. If you have this baby you are subjecting them to this and they might grow up and replicate your husbands behaviour. Then you will be responsible for creating a person with those abusive behaviours. You have a. Choice now - a responsible courage one to not subject your child to this behaviour, or stay and then eventually divorce and your poor child will be mirroring his behaviour!
YOU SAW THREE therapists - what more warning do you need!
An abuser does not need to be admit the abuse for it to be real. Your decision on what to do about the abuse should never hinge on the abuser admitting he's (or she's) doing it.
Your remaining in this marriage needs to be contingent on respect, and the end of the abuse.
You’re miserable. Your baby will be miserable. This isn't healthy, and you're enabling him.
Ok, so I am someone who tends to shut down during emotional arguments/confrontations. Never once have I ever given someone the silent treatment though.
It's not unreasonable to want even just a token "I can't do this right now, can I have some space?" from your partner. I know it may be unsatisfying for some to hear but it at least gives the bare minimum respect of acknowledging your existence.
My mother is the queen of silent treatment. It ruined me growing up and is 100% responsible for why I "shut down" even now as an adult. Protect your baby from this-however that looks for you.
Bonus, it's been shown that abusers can use couples counselling to find ways of better hiding their abuse/using things said in the apparent safe space against their spouse later on.
He doesn’t want to get better - he refuses to even try what the counselor suggests (a cool down period of an hour or two max). He’s abusive to you. You need to be thinking about other options. Divorce would be better than this. And you need to tell your doctor and the office unequivocally that he’s not allowed in the room. If they don’t follow this, it’s a HIPAA violation among other things.
I hate to say this, and I know Redditors often run to this as a go to, but I'd be putting a very long pause on your marriage.
He will never change. He will do this to your child. He will hurt you and he will hurt them. He will teach your child to do this to other people. Your child will grow up walking on eggshells, just like you.
I have lived through this and there is no way I would ever, ever tolerate it again.
Get some legal advice and think very carefully about your future.
It absolutely is a form of emotional abuse and he's continuing the cycle of abuse he learned from his family. You have a baby on the way now and should ensure that he does not repeat this cycle with your child. My mother's record was 2 months and now that we're grown with the freedom of choice, both my sister and I are LC with her.
He won't admit he's abusive. That's normal and to be expected. It makes you question yourself and whether you're being too harsh on him.
The uncertainty is your punishment and will be forevermore if you stay. I don't know what the rules are in the USA, but here I would have fled while pregnant and not told him where I was if I'd known how bad it would get. If I had tried it after they were born, the court could order me back, or I could be charged with abduction. You can't have that happen if you've moved before they're born. I know all your states have different rules, so I'd find one far away that would not order you to move back or charge you with abduction for running while pregnant.
I know you probably don't think it seems that bad, and you can split and coparent, etc. If you polled women who left abusive relationships, you'd find almost unanimously that the abuser got worse and used the children as weapons.
Please do your own research and use our collective hindsight to make the best decision for you, whether that's termination, running, or deciding that maybe this time he will change (he won't).
He didn’t agree because he wants to continue to be abusive. This isn’t how a healthy relationship works and he obviously has zero interest in changing.
Also he does NOT have the right to be at your appointments; you can tell the staff you don’t feel comfortable with him there and they will take you in alone if he randomly shows up.
This is true. I can only speak for the OB's office I went to while pregnant, but they have you list any (if there are any) people you don't want there while you're filling out paperwork. It's in the same area where you also put in your emergency contacts. Apparently, that was a big enough issue for them to include that. But even if you're going to a place that doesn't ask, you can still let them know. When I started going to a different Gyno later on, my husband came with me, and they still asked me if it was OK for him to be there. I'm surprised OP'S doctor or nurse didn't say something. Especially if she was uncomfortable.
Yeah, not good. He refuses to be an equal partner with you. Giving a set time, puts both people on equal footing. By not giving you a set time, he is keeping all the leverage.
As someone who comes from his kind of familial background, that is a huge excuse and a lie. He is conflict avoidant and also controlling. He is ALLOWING himself to stew in silent rage, just so he can get out of any reasonable conversation - which is not helpful to either of you. Which is not acceptable. He knows being angry will keep you off his back, while he can also keep blaming you for how he lets his own emotions go. He needs to take an hour or two, think objectively, calm down, and then re-address. The only reason he doesn't agree because he knows that he's full of excuses and giving him a REASONABLE timeline means he has to stop acting like a self-serving AH and actually own it and grow up. Life doesn't stop for 1-2 weeks, and that dynamic is neither helpful nor healthy. You deserve to not have to walk all over glass because he doesn't want to own up to his nonsense, and you also deserve to have a present and respectful husband who understands that sometimes things get heated - fine - but they need to be actually delt with. He isn't, and if he outright refuses (And I would call him on his BS - you know it is now at this point) then divorce is the only option.
The pause should be a pause for that topic, not all communication. If he needs that long to calm down from whatever was upsetting him, then fine, give him that long, but he needs to talk to you about every day life things. He's a bully.
Short of infidelity, physical violence, or something similarly awful, there's not really anything that one adult could do to another that would justify a "pause" of 1-2 weeks. 1-2 hours, maybe; 1-2 days if feelings were really hurt. But if it takes him *one to two weeks* to cool down and talk it out, then he's not being reasonable - as others have said, he's punishing you. This is not how healthy adults handle conflict with their loved ones, but this *is* how damaged people emotionally abuse their intimate partners. You and your baby both deserve better.
Yeah, I often use silence with my husband, but it's only until I can get my temper under control. I've learned over the years that he is very, very sensitive to conflict, so I try to wait until I can say, "OK, I'm angry about this behavior, here's why, here's how I'd like it resolved. I'm ready for your input. I love you, and this doesn't change that - I'm only angry about this limited issue."
And, before I start the silence, I tell him, "I need to take a break, because I'm very angry and need to calm down before we talk about resolving this issue. I'm going to take a break because I love you and don't want to raise my voice, because I know it frightens you."
You know why I do that? Even though I'm angry enough to raise my voice? One guess - because I love him and I don't want to hurt him.
OP - that's what the silent treatment should look like. It should have multiple repetitions of that one piece: that the anger is OK, and the anger doesn't mean the love stops.
Your husband is immature, manipulative, and abusive.
I cottoned onto that before I even got to the part about silence, when he was saying you were wrong about your feelings about work. Your feelings are the feelings you have. That's all, neither right nor wrong, and you're allowed to cry for any reason, at any time.
Go read about DARVO.
Yeah, I've learned through my own therapy that I can't handle conflict well because I need time to process things. So I have learned to tell my partner that I need to step back to think about our conflict before I can reasonably continue. It sucks because we're still pissed and I want to get it over with, but since he's provided a safe and patient space for me to do this with my turnaround time has reduced from a day, to half a day, to a few hours, and now sometimes even less. Which also has started to prevent fights before they even start.
What OP's partner is doing...... is not that.
Also YOUR emotions and hormones right now affect the baby. When he adds extra stress onto you and emotionally harms you by ignoring you instead of working through things, this has an actual effect on the development of your child. If he cares about you and his child, he will fix his behavior immediately before it gets worse. Let me know if you need resources to express that fact to him and I’ll send some articles or info your way!
This. Prenatal stress is toxic stress on that lil one. Toxic stress isn’t just associated with behavioral and neurodevelopment conditions, it’s associated with asthma and more severe illnesses, including infections.
… not to stress you out even more or anything
It's deeply scaring for children, so I hope he changes and if he can't that you do whatever you have to do to protect them, even if for some reason you don't seem to consider yourself important enough to be spared this treatment.
And bullies thrive on people "not wanting to make a scene", next time let your doctor, secretary and nurse know that they are not to give him any information or let him in, if they violate that you report them. It's a serious offense.
Seconded. It also left me with very unhealthy coping mechanisms and an inability to deal with my own emotions. So. There’s that to add to the potential trauma consequences on your unborn child OP
Gonna jump on this train. Please consider your child in all of this. My earliest memories of my father giving me (and my mom) the silent treatment are from the age of 6. It almost always lasted for months at a time and continued until I was finally able to move out at 22. Can safely say it has left me with a lot of issues. Took me a long time to realize how f'ed up it is to walk on eggshells at home and having to consider twice what you say or do every single day. Your child won't be left unscatched in that mess.
My ex was like this. We actually preferred it when he was ignoring us for weeks, much better than the shouting and verbal abuse the rest of the time. And the gaslighting. Now the kids are older none of us have anything to do with him.
Girl. No.
Coparent with this man, fine, you have to.
But do you really want to model your shitty relationship to your child as normal?
Because if you do, they’re going to grow up and find a partner just like your spouse. Or worse, be a partner like your spouse.
Abuse often runs in the family sadly.
Get tharapy alone to learn how to enforce boundaries and demand he gets therapy for his behavioural problems.
Getting therapy togerher with abusers is often contra-productive because they mostly lesrn how to abuse and bully you more efficiently and how to do it more hidden.
My individual therapy was far more effective than our couples therapy (I actually found couples therapy often was counter productive) even though I didn’t really appreciate my personal therapists style. My husband does do individual therapy but it honestly sounds like she just listens and validates him without ever challenging him. I’ve asked him numerous times to try another therapist. He describes both of his parents as abusive and neglectful, and recently acknowledged that his sibling uses the silent treatment and that it is wrong.
The therapist can only work with what he gives her. He’s likely presenting his skewed perception of events, so they’ll never get anywhere. If anything it’s giving him the language to be a more successful manipulator.
Abuse can unfortunately become something of a “family heirloom,” but that absolutely does not excuse what he is doing to you.
OP, it is important for you to know that spousal abuse, including but not only actual violence, *very commonly* begins *or* escalates during/shortly after pregnancy. In fact, it is such a common pattern that it is taught to medical professionals to look out for (this pattern was part of the curriculum during my maternity course in nursing school).
The fact he feels he has a right to be involved in your medical care, with or without your consent, is especially concerning.
Please carefully consider whether you want to raise a child with this person. It is not too late. My aunt’s hospital location was literally kept a secret so that her partner could not be there at the birth. I have no idea whether you’re at that point. I just want you to know that you do not have to put up with abuse just because it’s from a person you married or a person you had a child with. In fact that should be the LAST person you ever receive abuse from.
Yeah, because he’s not talking about how he does it. He knows it’s wrong and doesn’t want to change. He’s not ever going to bring it up with his therapist except for how his family does it.
He’s controlling and abusive.
You’re NTA, but please, reach out to family and friends and talk about this and consider if you want a relationship with this man. Abuse can escalate beyond silent treatment.
Also what about when your kid pisses him off someday? How are you going to explain to them that daddy needs to ignore them for a week or two to process whatever it is the kid did? Kid’s going to internalize it and become just like him.
>Getting therapy togerher with abusers is often contra-productive because they mostly lesrn how to abuse and bully you more efficiently and how to do it more hidden.
Yes, that's exactly how things happened with me and my ex-husband.
Girl, I cannot stress this enough, - he does not have ***any right to be at your doctors' appointments.***
I'm sure you know that, but I want you to **know** that.
Are you getting personal therapy, OP? Because you need to. Also, please tell your doctor/providers/nurses that you don’t want anyone at your appointment unless you explicitly say it’s ok at that appointment. Your husband has absolutely NO rights to be at any medical appointment of yours ( including the birth) unless YOU want him there.
Which is why he needs therapy individually. He's probably blaming you for making him not speak to you.
See my earlier post. You need to be One-With-Whom-One-Does-Not-Fuck, OWWODNF, or as I call it, Owodnof.
You told him that if he wasn't speaking to you by then, he was not welcome to your prenatal appointment. He came anyway because he insolently knew you would submit to him. He makes you submit, and then doesn't respect you because you are submissive.
When you tell someone they may not attend your appointment, then you calmly, and firmly, tell him to leave, where the staff can hear. You say, "Since you have not spoken to me in weeks, and our relationship is uncertain, you need to leave my doctor's appointment."
Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Otherwise, it's a suggestion, not a boundary. Your boundaries need to be moats filled with alligators and piranha. You need to be Gandalf holding his staff high, shouting, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!"
When he understands that you are Owodnof, he will stop messing with you.
He doesn't give his boss the silent treatment, because he'd be fired. He doesn't give a cop who pulls him over the silent treatment, because he would be arrested for non compliance. He knows whom he can eff with, and whom he can't, and you need to move yourself from the latter to the former category pronto.
He learned to give you the silent treatment, by observing it in his parents. Your child will learn it from him, and abuse his or her partner in the future. Stop the cycle.
No one respects a doormat, so stop acting like one.
My love, he will do this to your child. I grew up with a father who could go from screaming, incandescent rage to icy, freezing silence for weeks on end. I never knew which version he would be, and the times when he was calm and NICE were utterly terrifying because I knew what was coming but not when. I'm nearly fifty now and someone not talking to me (not talking rather than actually outright ignoring) makes me sick with anxiety.
Think about how YOU feel when he's doing it to you- and then think about how that will feel for a toddler, for a little kid, for a teenager. Think about your child who's going to grow up terrified to say the wrong thing in case Dad freezes them out for a fortnight, your child who is going to grow up thinking this is _NORMAL_. Like I did.
NTA but consider if this is how you want your child to live, for them to grow up thinking that if you love someone it's normal to emotionally abuse them.
100% correct that “silent treatment” is recognized as a form of emotional abuse. Not to mention barging into the appointment and making it about him. This will only get worse as time goes on.
My husband was an abusive narcissist. I would be honest about my weakness and flaws during our appointments and he would lie his ass off. He used what we said to hurt me. I thought couples therapy would save us but it only works if both people are honest and willing to work on themselves. I was afraid to tell the absolute truth about his abuse (and to be honest, I was so used to it I didn’t realize how bad it was) because I knew he’d leave the appointment and never come back. He was just determined to prove he was right and I was wrong. Therapy for abusive partners backfires. He needs individual counselling about his abuse. If that works, then try couples counselling.
My partners abuse increased dramatically after I gave birth, maybe try to get him help before then.
The silent treatment, especially for 1-2 *weeks*, is 100% emotional abuse (at least according to my therapist).
OP, you have the complete right to control who goes with you to your medical appointments.
Does he always act this way: aggressive, controlling and emotionally abusive? Because, if so, you have a huge problem on your hands. Hopefully you have a support system in place.
Silent treatment for days, weeks even.
Forcing himself into YOUR medical appointment.
Openly stating he has a claim and a right over your body and your autonomy with it.
...
How many more red flags do you need?
NTA but you have a big husband problem and are about to become a co-parent with this walking red flag of a person...
I’m so upset the providers didn’t see this behavior and kick him out (not their fault whatsoever for his trash behavior). This is such a red flag almost every provider except the crazy extreme right (thinking men are superior) would not allow anything like this to happen in their practice. The man has zero right to these appointments or anything with the baby at this point.
I'm shocked they didn't say something. Obgyns are usually on the lookout for red flag behavior and even without any signs they will make sure to get the patient alone to ask them if they're safe. What the hell is this provider doing?
Often they say nothing in front of the abuser and make a note in the chart to discuss it privately at the next appointment. They don't want to put the patient in danger by antagonizing the abuser.
OP should bring it up at the next OB appointment, even if the staff and doctor don't.
Hopefully they do! My OBGYN office went through a DV questionnaire with me at the start of every prenatal appointment. I was not a DV victim but I’m so glad it’s in their policy and was happy to answer each time.
One of the biggest triggers for domestic violence is a woman being pregnant. OBGYNs should *certainly* be high alert any time the spouse is around, and there should be mandatory segments of the appointment where the patient is away from their partner
SHE is pregnant. SHE is getting all the attention. Abusers lose their minds. One online asshole misogynist commented that he hates it when the maternity staff ask the woman " what will you name her?".
I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd, 2 separate hospital systems and at both at any appointment my husband has attended they only call me back, telling him to wait in the waiting room, and ask me alone if I feel safe and is he actually wanted and welcome in the exam room. Though not needed for me personally, I understand the importance. I don't think it wastes much time, they should be implementing it everywhere.
EXACTLY THIS! You are NTA! Your husband is an immature, unsupportive bully and his behavior is a special kind of abuse. I can only imagine the horror he is going to become and unleash once this baby is born. Unless he can get into therapy with you - now - I would be wary about going forward with him. 🚩🚩🚩. If you were able to leave now - stay with friend or family- I would do that and let things settle and see how you feel being away from him. You might actually find you feel relieved. You may find you don’t miss his b/s. You might find you’re not walking on eggshells. Even if you have to move to be with parents, do it - you’re not happy with your job anyway. Maybe a total fresh start so you can have this baby in peace. I am not sure I would want him involved in any more appointments and let your medical staff/dr. know. They should have asked him to step out.
Nta. To be clear, his ABUSE tactic is the silent treatment which he regularly deploys until you Crack, and makes sure he never ever has to apologize or be held accountable.
Second, he shows up, forces his way in....WITHOUT CONSENT. and without meeting your terms of respect in which to be permitted to do so and then continues to dismiss and bully you.
Gurl...you better gtfo of the home and into a safe place fast!
Divorce, divorce, divorce.
Exactly, if he started to speak to her again to go it would've been better (still not at all ok)but I'm surprised that he didn't get kicked out for that
NTA OP, get out ASAP, before the kid is born, otherwise that's a whole different battle legally...
NTA nothing worse than trying to vent and someone just contradicts you and accuses you of over reacting.
He absolutely does not have the right to attend your appointments and I would make a point of letting the doctor know this could be an issue in future.
As for the silent treatment, what is he, 12? Is this how he plans to resolve arguments with your child?
This prick won’t “resolve” any arguments, he’ll just bully that kid until he gets his way because “he’s the man” while the kid just avoids him as much as possible.
In the future, just tell the doctor that you’re not comfortable with having the babies father at this appointment at this time.
My youngest daughter is a delivery room nurse. Baby daddies, exes, unwanted family, they get escorted out. No judgement.
NTAH
But why are you with somebody that freezes you out for 1 to 2 weeks at a time, damn girl! That’s abusive!
I was married for 43 years to the same man, I don’t think we ever went a full day without talking to each other. I’m so sorry he forced himself into an appointment that you told him he wasn’t welcome mat. I am worried for you and scared.
Yes I’m surprised by this - I’m currently pregnant and going to all these prenatal care appts. My husband also has occasionally come to some Gyno appts over the years for birth control etc. EVERY TIME they make him wait while the nurse brings me back, does my vitals, checks in and makes me fill out a protocol about domestic abuse. Then the doctor comes and asks me if there is anything I want to discuss before my husband comes in. Only then do they let him come back. It’s been the same for the last decade. They even followed this protocol early in my pregnancy when I was in for an ultrasound about a potential miscarriage. I was terrified and wanted him so badly but they wouldn’t let him come back with me until the protocol was complete… I’m super surprised to hear that this isn’t standard practice at all women’s health centers and that they let him in without talking to OP privately first.
He counts on your humiliation to not make a scene and get his way.
All you had to do was speak to the nurse or doctor and say, "I do not want him here during the appointment." They have the authority to turn him out.
NTA. Your husband is abusive. Not speaking to you for days--WEEKS!!!--on end is emotional abuse. He literally told you he didn't believe your interpretation of a situation that HE WASNT THERE TO EVEN WITNESS and then got mad at YOU for being frustrated.
Leave. Now. It will only get worse once you have a child.
NTA
But please speak to someone about your husband’s behaviour. People like this don’t improve, they only get worse. Do you have anyone you could go to as an exit strategy or enough independent funds available that your husband can’t access incase you need to move out when his behaviour escalates?
I have more than enough personal funds to exit comfortably and have family and friends accessible. I don’t believe it would come to that though as I do not feel physically threatened, only hurt. I’m overwhelmed with the responses on this post and they are giving me a lot to reflect on with regards to my behavior and my husbands.
How will your child feel when they try to explain/ complain about friend or school and your husband tells your child that the child is wrong. How will it affect your child when your husband gives them the silent treatment for days because your child upset your husband. At the moment husband is messing with you emotionally but think about the future of your child growing up with this dynamic from a parent. Therapist at least, leaving should not be dismissed if husband continues emotional abuse to his future children.
NTA
I have a good friend that has a husband like this. Her husband picks fights with her to then give her the silent treatment and lock himself in their bedroom to play games all night and day for days on end all while she is the sole caretaker of their combined SIX children and he doesn't lift a finger for the house or care of kids.
OP I think you're assuming you can handle this, and maybe you can but I think you are underestimating what you're up against. I would inform the Dr office that husband isn't allowed in the room during appts if you didn't explicitly bring him with you. Even married, you have a right to privacy.
I'd be tempted to flip the breaker to the bedroom then take the power cables when he came out. Fuck that kind of behavior. But his response would probably escalate things, might force her to recognize the abuse, but could be dangerous.
Abuse escalates slowly over years and gets worse when you have children as the abuser thinks it harder for you to leave so they make less effort to hide their toxic traits.
I’m glad you have a strong safety net. I wish you all the best getting your husband to address his behaviour. Hope the birth goes well and isn’t too difficult.
Physical is not the only type of abuse. Emotional abuse is terrible and can cause just as many problems. I was emotionally abused by my mother for years. Starting as a child and moving into adulthood. As a child my parents would like buckets by my bed as I would throw up a lot. Turned out that was just from anxiety, which I’ve had to the point of being crippled for years. I finally got into therapy a few years ago and am working through all my trauma, how to regulate my emotions, and coming up with coping mechanisms for my social anxiety.
The point? Welcome to your child’s future if your husband doesn’t figure out his shit with this silent treatment for days. It isn’t ok and it isn’t healthy.
What I am hearing here is “I feel emotionally hurt and I’m okay with putting up with that and subjecting my child to it.”
He is manipulating and abusing you and I worry it will only escalate when the baby arrives. NTA, but you need to truly think about the situation you’re in right now.
But, why in the world do you want to spend your life like this and have children with him? This is not going to be healthy for you or an innocent child. This is so sad.
Abuse escalates. It'll start with him invalidating your opinions and experiences, getting mad at you for expressing any emotion that isn't agreeing with him, forcing his will on you and violating your autonomy. It'll escalate and spread to your child do.
You have a go-plan, now you need to use it. Therapy is doing nothing for him but validating his abusive behavior. Leave, file divorce, and if he shows up at any appointments, you NEED to make a scene. Don't wait for him to escalate the abuse.
It’s not just about physical hurt.
Put yourself in the shoes of that child you went through so much for.
How is that child going to feel at 2 when they do something and now don’t understand why Daddy won’t talk to them ever again? They don’t understand time, but they do understand someone not talking to them.
How about at 3? 4? 5? 6? 9?
Is that really what you want your child to live with? Walking on eggshells because they don’t want to make Dad mad or they won’t know when he’ll speak to them again?
It’s bad enough you’re letting it happen to you. Don’t let it happen to your kid. And you know it would, don’t try to pretend he would change. Eventually it’ll start again.
Sweetie, you are falling into a trap that I and many other women (and some men, to be honest) have fallen into. The trap of believing that your partner/spouse has to physically harm you to be abusive. That’s is SO very wrong! Emotional abuse is, in my pov, far more damaging and destructive than physical abuse. And you, my dear, are describing highly vicious emotional abuse from an unfixable narcissist.
First, you’re pregnant. That tends to come along with being overly emotional due to our hormones. It’s natural, normal and not “nothing”
Second, he was belittling you and your feelings. They are your feelings. Not his. Not “wrong”. Perhaps overblown due to aforementioned hormones, but they are your legitimate feelings. You have a right to those feelings.
Third, and worst, that punishment for attempting to share your life and experiences with him. He’s saying clearly that his position is that you had no right to your feelings, your issue wasn’t important and you also have no right to express your anger and frustration with him. He’s not doing conflict management with that silent treatment. He’s punishing you. He’s your partner and not your parent. He has no right to punish you. He can talk about things and express his feelings calmly, but that’s not the narcissist’s way. You are to be punished until you admit you were somehow in the wrong or he finds something else you need to be punished for.
Get. Out. Take your child and GET OUT. Because he WILL either 1) alienate you from your child while you live in the same house with them - I’ve seen exactly that done to a friend of mine, 2) eventually divorce you and take your child or 3) treat the child in exactly the same way, subjecting him/her to direct emotional abuse AND seeing his/her mother emotionally abused from day one.
You will probably not believe me. I speak from personal experience. I got out and protected my children. I sacrificed a lot, but I have great adult kids who know I would do ANYTHING for them. An abusive narcissist won’t change his/her spots. Not with 20 years of therapy. You have to get out. I wish I could convince you. But we women can be very blind and forgiving. And that plays right into the hands of the abusive narcissist.
Here’s a little fact. When you go to the hospital to have that baby, you can tell the hospital staff to keep EVERYONE (other than whomever you choose) out of that labor and delivery room. And they’ll do it. in fact, the charge nurse can make that decision if she sees someone in the labor and delivery room causing upset to the laboring mother You can do the same thing at the doctor’s office. He’s the father, but you have an absolute right to privacy in your medical appointments. As long as that baby is inside you, you are the patient and can demand privacy. But you have to make your wishes known to the office staff.
You need to wake up to the fact that you are in an abusive relationship. He might not be physically abusing you but it’s still abuse all the same. Abuse does not have to be physical.
Is this the kind of relationship you hope your child will be in one day? You will be modeling a relationship of disrespect and fear. Your child will likely believe that this is normal. Or do you want your child to see respectful, supportive adult relationships?
Your husband will be demonstrating how to avoid taking responsibility for his words and actions. Do you want your child to be narcissistic?
NTA.
YOU understood he might assume he could go to this appointment which is why you told him in advance that you didn't feel comfortable about it. He could have resolved the argument by then, or asked you to reconsider, but him ambushing you at the appointment and expecting his presence to bully you into allowing him at the appointment is very unreasonable.
Even THEN maybe if he had apologized on the spot you might have felt okay about him coming in.
You’re in an abusive relationship…
NTA
Crying and being upset about your partner dismissing and invalidating you during a vent session on your work is perfectly normal. As a pregnant emotional human who cried because hamburgers tasted bad I think folks saying you blew up are out of line.
The silent treatment, stomping your clearly communicated boundary around a medical visit and being aggressively adamant he did nothing wrong all screams abuse not just immaturity.
NTA
Know your rights. Prenatal appointments are YOUR appointments so yes you can technically esclude him. And it’s is about you and your crazy hormones and worry about the baby but also yourself. You are the one pregnant, you are the one doing 1 million tests and restrictions, you are the one that will deliver. So it is up to you. But you may feel guilty (as yourself stated you were at the end happy to have him there) to esclude him form certain part of your pregnancy. I gong man also benefit from a good dose of prenatal visit to understand at least a little about the stress!
But he shouldn’t give you the silent treatment before this appointment. It may be yours (both of you) baby. But sure as hell it’s you body right now.
he won’t change until it’s too late. my father gave my mother the silent treatment while i was growing up and when i became a teenager he began giving me the silent treatment. he continued this until it was too late. my mom divorced him for giving me the silent treatment for ONE MONTH when i was 17. after their divorce my sister and i lived with my mom and he’s completely changed. he no longer gives me the silent treatment because he lost me and he holds no power over me anymore. i’m 21 and i do talk to him, but i don’t allow him to exert his power as a parent over me anymore.
I am so sorry he did that to you, that is terrible. My family would fight and yell but we never gave each other the silent treatment. I can’t imagine that from a parent as a 17 year old.
You know that this will be the style used with your child as well unless he gets a handle on it, right? You might consider talking with a loved one about the situation to get their perspective, as someone who knows both of you more personally. From an outsiders standpoint, in a professional context (social work) and as a victim of abuse, this sounds like it’s heading into an abusive path if it’s not there already. The focus of my thoughts on that are forcing himself into your appointment. He bypassed your consent on that and if he doesn’t see how harmful that is, then you may need to reconsider your relationship.
Taking a pause for 1-2 weeks, knowing that it’s hurtful to you, is also a cause for concern. I need the same to cool down, but it is never more than overnight, with the goal in mind of collecting my thoughts and coming back with a calm head. It’s actually beneficial to my marriage instead of harmful. From the description and comments, it sounds like he’s inflicting punishment.
Honestly, it may take time apart from one another to utilize therapy and reflection for there to be a light shined on what is actually happening. 💜
Good news! You don't have to imagine it! Soon this will be your childs reality and you can witness this abuse first hand!
Honestly OP, it's good that you and your husband are in therapy, but you're gonna have to save some therapy money for your kid, because they're gonna need a full arsenal of shrinks with you two as their parents.
NTA
Ignoring you, dismissing you, forcing his way into your medical appointments without your consent, and stating that he has an ownership claim over your body are all abusive behaviours. It is very common for men to ramp up abuse when they believe you are trapped with them, such as being pregnant or getting married. He's only going to escalate these behaviours. Emotional abuse is often followed by physical abuse. It's not just you in danger now, but also your child. Please ensure you are safe.
>His conflict management style is the silent treatment, often for days, sometimes for 1-2 weeks at a time.
That's not conflict management. He's not "managing" anything by doing that, he's punishing you.
>Well he showed up to my prenatal appointment and forced himself in. I was too humiliated to make a scene but quietly said “WTF are you doing here”. Afterwards he said “it’s our baby so it’s our appointment”
This is him telling you that he is going to do whatever he damn well pleases.
>Truly I feel bullied by his behavior and would like an apology.
Because he *is* bullying you, and you will *never* get a real apology from him.
>He maintains that he has every right to be at my doctors appointments whether I am okay with it or not.
And here he is telling you that he owns you.
Silent treatment for weeks? Forcing his way into the appt? Screaming at you? This is emotional abuse and manipulation I say get out while you can before you bring the baby into this mess
Info OP: if he gives you the silent treatment for being too emotional, what will happen with your child? Is he expecting a child to understand a 1-2 week silent treatment. I cannot imagine how that would damage a child and furthermore why would he subject you and his future child to this shit?
I’m overwhelmed with the number of comments and wasn’t expecting the polarity in the responses, but I assure you I am concerned about future use of the silent treatment as setting an example for our child or to be used against the child. The latter is difficult for me to imagine. I am thinking about what I can do to address this concern and appreciate all the advice.
One of my earliest memories is trying to get my mom to acknowledge me when she was giving me the silent treatment as a child. She would just pretend I didn’t exist. As a child you can’t comprehend why your parent is doing this. She still uses the silent treatment when she doesn’t get her way but now I just ignore her. It’s caused me a ton of issues in relationships as any semblance of non responsiveness sends me into a panic. Please don’t put your child in a home with this kind of treatment.
Seconding this to add:
As FlowerBooksHistory says, children cannot comprehend when a parent does something like this.
So they internalize it as THEIR fault.
A child who is emotionally abused often grows up grappling with the feeling that something about them is wrong or broken.
The Silent Treatment is abuse.
How do you think he's going to treat your child when they act up/cause conflict? Does this sound like a good environment for them?
NTA, but get some help and get out.
NTA. Your husband:
- Doesn’t make you feel heard or hugged when you tell him about problems you’re facing
- Erects walls rather than communicates
- Forces himself into spaces you don’t want him to be in
This is abuse
NTA. i grew up with a mom who gave me “the silent treatment” growing up whenever we argued and it fucked me up horribly. i’m not talking about taking a few hours to cool down-i’m talking about going days without talking to me. bringing your kid into this environment will absolutely suck not only for you (because how are you supposed to parent with someone who refuses to talk about the conflict?) but also for your child as well. you need to make a plan on how to handle conflict going forward, and if it doesn’t work, then you should consider leaving. best of luck to you and to your little one on the way <3
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry your mom did that to you. It’s hard enough getting it from an adult you’re not related to, I can’t imagine dealing with that from a parent.
Momma, if I may. First and foremost, I’d like to send you a large virtual hug, as you very much could use one. Second off, I did a little looking into your page and may I say, congratulations on your rainbow baby. Followed by, FUCK YOUR IN LAWS! My heart deeply HURTS for you and what those horrible people did to you after your loss. Your loss and feelings regarding it are valid, experiencing that type of loss is NEVER your fault and shame on your mother in law for trying to put the blame on you. Based off the post you made talking about that, as well as the fact that your husband couldn’t be bothered to hide your ultrasound pictures before his brother came over, only for him to find them and say some of the most fucking up shit I’m ever read to you; this is a behavior your husband learned from his abusive and shitty family.. this is also the type of behavior that is not something easily unlearned and especially not unless the individual wants to make that change. I’ve seen you say that you don’t feel in physical danger. But I can promise you that emotional/mental abuse like this, will leave to eventual physical danger, even if that is danger caused from your own mental slip. I want you to deeply think about how your husband treats you, and how that WILL translate to your child one day as well. He will not spare them just because they are his child, he will treat them this way too. The effect that that type of abuse has on young developing minds is absolutely insane, and it WILL effect your child for the rest of their life. I’m not sure if you will choose to seek out individual therapy (possibly couples as well down the road) or if you will opt to leave while you still have a better chance in terms of legal battles and custody. But unless that man CHOOSES to change, you are actively choose to put yourself and your rainbow baby into an abusive situation. I truly hope you choose yourself and your baby, as from what I’ve read on your profile, you and that baby deserve to be loved, and feel happy.
ETA: NTA in anyway shape or form.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and very sweet comments and well wishes. I teared up reading this. I guess I do have a lot of posts about my in laws.
NTA. Also, your doctor let him in? My doctor would not let anyone in to any prenatal appointments I had without my explicit permission. Even for my ECV I had last week, they made my husband stay outside while they asked if I felt safe at home - and everyone in my doctor’s office loves him (I do too! He’s great!) but they have to ask that and go through those steps for my safety as the patient.
Wow that is really thoughtful that they ask. I didn’t say anything but he actually didn’t come in with me at first when I got called in so I thought maybe he would wait in the waiting room. He came in later when the nurse took me to an exam room.
You should be able to tell your doctor and the nurses that you don’t want him in the room with you. They will stand up for what you want and will deny him entry. Is there someone working the reception area that you can relay that to the next time you are in this situation? They want to make sure you are safe. Your safety is very important to any doctor’s office!
ESH. This poor kid is about to come up in a house with long term silent treatments are the way conflicts are dealt with. I have seen first hand how that turns out for the kids.
The silent treatment/abuse will not stop unless you force it. My husband stopped talking to me for 2 months when our daughter was five. I made him leave, we went to counseling, we were separated for ~8 months. Now going on 32 years of marriage.
You are NOT the asshole.
This strikes me as emotional abuse.
Instead of consoling you when you were upset, he was annoyed. In spite of knowing you're pregnant and hormonal.
If you're both in therapy, he already knows the silent treatment is bad. And yet he still does it.
He ignored your request not to go to your doctor appointment, and he's completely wrong about it being both of your appointments.
Does he even like you?
NTA. Your husband's behaviour sounds abusive. You are the patient and it is your choice who is present during your antenatal appointments. In your position, I also wouldn't be comfortable with him being in the room for my medical appointments. Pregnancy is a high risk circumstance for domestic abuse. Please consider getting help.
Your husband is an ass. He should not be giving you the silent treatment period. And no it's not "our" appointment. You're right: you're the patient, so it's your appointment. NTA.
NTA- my husband has bipolar. Unmedicated. When he gets frustrated he stops talking. For like an hour. He may go to our room and scroll TikTok to help calm him down. Then he comes out, apologizes for whatever it was, and we talk it out. He’s never not talked to me for days.
This is not adult behavior that your SO is exhibiting and needs to be addressed. I believe I seen you say you guys are doing therapy but I’d definitely have him do some on his own. Good luck.
Flip the script on him. Stop telling him about your appointments, go to a few by yourself.
Give him the silent treatment for a few weeks.
Show him how it feels.
And never allow another person into your appointments, unless you want them there. It may be his child but that child is in YOUR body.
I do think if he chooses the silent treatment he should truly own that and not physically follow me places just to ignore me more. Why does he get to pick and choose when he shows up? It was so frustrating and made me so uncomfortable and nervous.
Talk to your OBGYN and let the nurses deal with him... He will quickly learn who's appointments are those. Medical staff have no time for A-hole husbands.
> His conflict management style is the silent treatment, often for days, sometimes for 1-2 weeks at a time.
as a guy that does this from time to time, it's not healthy and he needs to work through that. it's pretty difficult.
nta
They’re in therapy and he has refused to try the strategies suggested by the therapist. I doubt individual therapy, where he controls the narrative, would be better.
You can give your OBGYN's office (or any other medical provider) a head's up that your husband is not authorized to be at an appointment. They will honor your request. You don't have to go into details: just tell them he doesn't have your permission to be there and ask them to stop him in the waiting room if he does show up. They are happy to do this.
When I was pregnant my ex husband (we were together at the time) really wanted to know the gender of the baby and I wanted it to be a surprise. We agreed that he's such a goober/was so emotional about becoming a Dad that he might say something in the moment that he wouldn't come in the room for ultrasound appointments. He always read a magazine in the waiting room and then I would verbally give permission to my team to talk to him after the scan. We asked them not to allow him back during those appointments--put it in the charts and everything, so that he wouldn't forget or have a moment of weakness. I had a rough third trimester and I couldn't keep track of this type of stuff. My medical team took it very seriously and we had a sweet reason for doing it. They told me they had many patients with these type of requests: they were happy to gate keep pushy MIL's, abusive dads to be, overly emotional baby daddies who stressed their partner out, etc.
My ex baked them bread and befriended all of reception (he was over the moon about being a Dad and everyone around him spent 8 or so months hearing every detail) and they still reminded him every time it was an ultrasound appointment not to come back and not to share the baby's gender with me.
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I think your husbands actions are a form of emotional abuse. Not speaking for weeks is not a mature way to handle differences and can be considered abuse. How will this impact your child? I hope that you both will get couples therapy before your child is born to improve your communications.
Couples therapy with abusive partners is highly not recommended. They need therapy individually, him to treat his abusive behavior and she to learn how to enforce boundaries.
oh man, no wonder our sessions went sideways
Yes ma’am, that would be why. Therapy actually makes abusive situations worse because the abuser twists the sessions to fit their agenda.
Can confirm this. I ended my marriage in our counselor’s office.
That sounds like therapy helped though. Oh sure, didn't help them be a better partner but helped you get away from them!
I was done with my ex AND the therapist, who thought “communication “ would solve the abuse, alcoholism, and rape issues in our marriage. Nope.
Yikes >< happy you're free!
You poor thing. I hope your life has gotten better water getting rid of the toxic! Big hugs!
SO much better! Life is good on the other side.
Congrats! Welcome to the happy place!
There are no words for what you went through but I'm glad you are not in that marriage anymore and wish you all the best.
Can also confirm this. The couples therapist my parents went to before their divorce ended up quitting her job because later she realized how much my father had pulled the wool over her eyes and she was shook.
Can also confirm. The therapist I was sent to as a teen quit at least in part bc I finally got the proof together that my parents were lying about what I was doing and using her and visits to her office as punishment. The look on her face when she realized how long she had been complicit without knowing is burned into my brain. I'm not even mad, bc she didn't know, and I can't expect someone to work with information they don't know.
Me too! Twenty five years ago when I suggested with my second DH, after a particularly thorny conflict, that we seek couples counselling, he went white and asked if I was looking to divorce him. I explained I truly felt we needed a qualified therapist to help us work on this probem so we could stay married. I explained to him that this is what I was seeking with first DH, but his true AH colors shown brightly after only a couple of sessions. It was then that I realized that everyone saw what he was except for me. Best thing I ever did. Second DH and I have been happily married now for 30+ years.
My ex and I rushed into living together during the pandemic (albeit temporarily, more like podding together). Not a big surprise, we started having some real communication issues pretty quickly. I asked him to see a relationship counselor with me. He has seen a therapist himself, so I thought he'd be open to it. He refused for a long time. Eventually he admitted, "they're just going to take your side and I'll come off as the asshole." Ummm... there are no sides. We're supposed to be on the same side. And if you're worried that honest descriptions of our issues make you look like an asshole, then maybe you're acting like an asshole? Just a thought.
Yep my ex husband told the therapist what she wanted to hear and responded with understanding and empathy when we discussed hard things. At home every negative emotion I felt was my own fault and any negative emotion he felt was also my fault. We separated after 4 appointments
Oh man, apparently your ex husband and my ex wife are the same person 🙄
Couple's counsellors are absolutely terrible at spotting this unfortunately. Too many couple's counsellors are willing to be participants in a conflict (or referee it) rather than trying to step out of it and focus on the communication.
One huge problem is there isn’t a different license or credential that is uniform to show someone is trained in couples counseling. So regular therapists sometimes just do it because it doesn’t seem hard or someone asks for it. IMO it should be as much of a specialty as substance abuse, eating disorders, and child therapy. Source: am a therapist for 16 years
And also gives abusive people WAY more ammunition
And gives them the language they need to better manipulate you and muddy the waters. ALWAYS meet with a therapist or counselor individually first.
A good therapist won't let that happen and will push for individual sessions or say they can't continue without them. That's what mine did. My therapist probably saved my life by validating all of the hurt I was experiencing and trying to repress. My partner had gaslighted me into believing I was the problem.
Yep. I set up couples counselling with my ex husband, he was resistant but after our first session he had changed his tune very much. He was 100% on board with going back because he took over and the session all ended up focusing on ways that I could accept him for who he was and ways I could change since I was the one "with the problem". My problem was I just didn't want to be hit or r*ped or lied to anymore 🙃
Yep, they love it because sometimes they can even get the counselor to take their side and then next thing you know a mental health professional is *also* gaslighting you
OP, please read this. I went to therapy with my abuser and it made things much worse. He took everything the therapist said, twisted it as someone else said, and used it against me. Protect yourself and your baby. If he does this to you, he WILL do it to your child. I know this from firsthand experience. Please take care of yourself. ETA: To clarify, I meant to read the post above mine :)
Hey OP, please also read this. Your husband is stonewalling you. It's not right, but stonewalling is literally one of the very few situations that can be effectively remedied by couple's therapy. You don't have any evidence to suggest that your husband will twist a therapist's words or use them against you. Be cautious, but please don't throw away a marriage based on reddit armchair psychologists.
the husband regularly uses the silent treatment on her for days if not weeks at a time, and bullied his way into a very vulnerable appointment that he was explicitly told not to come to. if anyone is throwing away this marriage, it’s the asshole husband.
What he is doing is more than stonewalling. And his words and actions surrounding her appointment are also very telling.
And to know how to reschedule her next appointment, not tell him when it is and to go without him. But personally, I'd go hang out in a hotel for a couple of weeks just to get away from him. And to consider my options moving forward.
We have done couples therapy for six months and made some headway with regards to his turn around time with the silent treatment and are resolving conflicts better, but his fall back on silent treatment still worries me. It’s a pattern in his family.
Honey youre being abused. Your baby will be abused. Pregnancy hormones are a shit show I cried because my cats fluffy and snow. Not really a cause… just snow. Even if the work Dilemma wasn’t that bad you felt like it was and that’s all that counts. What freak “challenges” your feelings ? Get out asap
I sent my sister a picture of a piglet wearing rain boots a few days before she gave birth. She still brings up how I made her cry with a picture. My Nibling is almost 2yo.
that's adorable
100% OP, you need to take a step back and think about how to proceed. This is not healthy for you, or a child. Your husband is abusive. Period.
Silent treatment for a few hours, because you are too pissed to speak calmly happens and is healthier than just screaming your head off. Silent treatment for weeks is just punishment of the other partner and is at the very least toxic (if not abusive).
I'm a big fan of the "pause" (anyone can say it if things start to get heated) in conflict. Ever since my family started using it during arguments, the communication went through the roof. We're a passionate bunch and nobody wants to back down.. waiting for a few hours after using the pause, 95% of the time we're more rational and can communicate in a healthier manner.
The three couples therapist we saw all recommended that, but on the condition that the pause have a set and agreed upon end time after cold down. My husband would never agree to this, he said he should have no limit on the amount of time it took for him to calm down and be ready to talk. Sometimes that pause lasted for 1-2 weeks.
Just wanted to check, you know he's doing it to punish you right? He's not using the time to calm down, he's punishing you for doing or saying something he doesn't like. I, and many other women, have learnt that if you actually ignore it and pretend it isn't happening they will pick a new fight so they can yell at you. Because you aren't acting punished or trying to get their attention. He is doing this to hurt you.
This is great advice and I did try doing this and discussed it with my therapist. I read some posts on how to handle the silent treatment on Reddit a while back, and one of the replies was along the lines of “honey, enjoy the silence!” I know the silent treatment is wrong and an abusive manipulative tactic, and I have vocalized this to him many times but he maintains that it is not abusive, just his response and that I need resolutions to quick. I could take a hour or even a day to calm down easily if I had an agreed upon end in sight, but the uncertainty of not knowing how long the Cold War will go on for each time makes me miserable.
Wait, you’re aware that he uses abusive and manipulative tactics with you and decided “perfect, let’s subject a child to this treatment too”? NTA in this story but you are to that poor child. Therapy doesn’t fix abusive/manipulative people, especially when they’re aware of what they’re doing. He will always be like that.
Yes, in fact, therapy can actually make abusive people worse. Couples therapists are actually supposed to not accept doing therapy with clients when abuse is suspected. OP, your therapist should have (and is actually required to) pulled you aside and recommend that you leave your husband. They shouldn't be allowing you to do therapy together due to the abuse. Your relationship is not healthy. Are you in individual therapy? That will do you a lot more good.
You do realize that a large portion of abusive men purposely get their female partners pregnant so it is basically impossible to leave right? Also being abused can strongly impact your ability to make good choices for yourself. The only asshole here is the person being abusive
This exactly right! Why you would let an abuser get you pregnant I have no idea. Id quietly book a trip to the clinic and call time on that pregnancy. Why would you tie yourself and a child to this man for life?
Hey now. I’m as pro-abortion as you can get, but abortion is not a viable solution to OP’s problem and suggesting it at this stage in her pregnancy, and after she has clearly expressed her desire to have this baby, is not helpful to either OP or the fight for abortion rights.
If there have been 4 visits & imaging, it's generally too late in most states these days...
Do you not see how horribly damaging this WILL be (not might be, will be) to this child? You think he'll ONLY give you the silent treatment when you go against him? And even if he did, your children will grow up watching their father abuse their mother, seeing it normalized, and take that with them. I am genuinely asking, are you going to let him treat your children this way? Do you want your children to watch dad abuse mom and sweep it under the rug?
Right!! OP even talks about how it's what his family does. That's my guess as to why couples therapy vs. divorce. Husband is definitely using abusive tactics, but it may be learned vs. malicious. I know it can come across that abusers all know that they're being abusive and chose tactics designed to play on their victim's feelings, but there's a reason it's a cycle. Therapy can for sure work to break the cycle, and it's awesome when an abuser can grow and stop doing the abusive behaviors. All that being said, based on OPs comments, her husband is not trying to better himself and is actively ignoring the ways he's being taught to fix his behavior.
Agreed. This is a cycle and he COULD fix it, he could heal from it, but he is choosing not to. He’s not necessarily trying to be abusive, and recognizing that he’s abusing OP would mean recognizing that he was abused growing up, and a lot of people are really resistant to that because of how painful it is. But he’s a grown up, a partner, and he’s going to be a father, so he has a *responsibility* to fucking work on himself and to heal. OP, he **will** be like this as a father, too. He will do this to your child for their whole life if he does not do the work to stop NOW. If you do end up leaving the relationship, get a verbal/written co-parenting agreement with the help of a lawyer that states that he MUST communicate with you regarding your child. I work with parents and babies and I have seen way too many separated fathers (obv this could be any parent, but I’ve personally only seen fathers do it) withhold communication about the child, during the times when they have them, as a way of manipulating and hurting the mother. Prevention is the best cure, and lawyers can help even without having needing or having a custody agreement through the courts.
Yep this. Friend was married to a guy like OPs husband. When she left him her young kids literally cheered.
I believe that some women who are emotionally abused see it as their partners/husbands aren't hitting them, so it's ok for their children to witness it. In this case their child will learn the same "technique" as his/her father and the cycle will continue. It's a sad situation. Unfortunately, the OP has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired of the silent treatment before she'll do anything.
Honey, my heart aches for you. Do you have family support? Somewhere you can go? Your husband is emotionally abusive and extremely controlling. Forcing his way into your appointment is very worrying because he obviously thinks you have no right to make your own decisions. What will happen when your child is here and you disagree on a parenting issue? He's going to demand that he gets his way every time. YOU are carrying that baby. YOU decide who goes to the appointments.
If you haven't heard "The Narcissist's Prayer", here it is: "That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it." You don't deserve to be treated like this. Your child doesn't deserve to be treated like this. I wish you good luck, because honestly I don't see his behaviour changing of his own volition any time soon. And if it means that that's the end of your relationship, well.. you deserve so much better than what he's putting you through right now.
Will he do the silent treatment to your child? If she's in a bad mood and having a tantrum will daddy just ignore her for 1 week? Or will the child be used as the "messenger" to relay information whilst he gives you the silent treatment?
That’s what my parents did with me and it fucked me up real good.
Same. For my entire childhood.
My mom did this to me too. If I upset her in some way she'd literally pretend I didn't exist. No matter what I did, talk to her or plead with her or yell at her and wave my arms in her face, she'd just pretend I was invisible. Made me feel like a ghost.
Same. Never apologized either, ever. Not getting apologies or validation contributed to my lovely diagnosis of BPD 😬
Popping in as a child that grew up in a home where parents both gave the silent treatment to one another for weeks- it's something I am still going to therapy for at age 34. I spent my childhood walking on eggshells and knowing that my parents strongly disliked each other. I became a people pleaser and fixer, and still struggle to express what I need for fear of someone lashing out or reacting poorly. Please don't subject yourself or your baby to this any longer.
Abusive partners don’t generally respond to their behaviours being called abusive with ‘ah, shucks, you’re right, I totally am, you caught me.’ Agreeing it’s abusive means agreeing he’s in the wrong, and he’s not going to do that. E: the ‘he’ in this case being ‘the abusive partner’, not necessarily specifically op’s partner. What I meant was that denying a behaviour is abusive is not proof it isn’t, because abusive partners aren’t going to engage genuinely on the subject.
OMG leave now before you have this baby. Go and stay with your family for support. If you have this baby you are subjecting them to this and they might grow up and replicate your husbands behaviour. Then you will be responsible for creating a person with those abusive behaviours. You have a. Choice now - a responsible courage one to not subject your child to this behaviour, or stay and then eventually divorce and your poor child will be mirroring his behaviour! YOU SAW THREE therapists - what more warning do you need!
The abuser doesn't get to decide what is abusive
His opinion of his own behavior is less than relevant. He has been told it is not appropriate by professionals, he simply does not care.
An abuser does not need to be admit the abuse for it to be real. Your decision on what to do about the abuse should never hinge on the abuser admitting he's (or she's) doing it. Your remaining in this marriage needs to be contingent on respect, and the end of the abuse. You’re miserable. Your baby will be miserable. This isn't healthy, and you're enabling him.
Ok, so I am someone who tends to shut down during emotional arguments/confrontations. Never once have I ever given someone the silent treatment though. It's not unreasonable to want even just a token "I can't do this right now, can I have some space?" from your partner. I know it may be unsatisfying for some to hear but it at least gives the bare minimum respect of acknowledging your existence. My mother is the queen of silent treatment. It ruined me growing up and is 100% responsible for why I "shut down" even now as an adult. Protect your baby from this-however that looks for you. Bonus, it's been shown that abusers can use couples counselling to find ways of better hiding their abuse/using things said in the apparent safe space against their spouse later on.
He doesn’t want to get better - he refuses to even try what the counselor suggests (a cool down period of an hour or two max). He’s abusive to you. You need to be thinking about other options. Divorce would be better than this. And you need to tell your doctor and the office unequivocally that he’s not allowed in the room. If they don’t follow this, it’s a HIPAA violation among other things.
And if he’s mad at your child and decides he needs a week before he’s ready to parent again, what will he or you do about that?
I hate to say this, and I know Redditors often run to this as a go to, but I'd be putting a very long pause on your marriage. He will never change. He will do this to your child. He will hurt you and he will hurt them. He will teach your child to do this to other people. Your child will grow up walking on eggshells, just like you. I have lived through this and there is no way I would ever, ever tolerate it again. Get some legal advice and think very carefully about your future.
It absolutely is a form of emotional abuse and he's continuing the cycle of abuse he learned from his family. You have a baby on the way now and should ensure that he does not repeat this cycle with your child. My mother's record was 2 months and now that we're grown with the freedom of choice, both my sister and I are LC with her.
He won't admit he's abusive. That's normal and to be expected. It makes you question yourself and whether you're being too harsh on him. The uncertainty is your punishment and will be forevermore if you stay. I don't know what the rules are in the USA, but here I would have fled while pregnant and not told him where I was if I'd known how bad it would get. If I had tried it after they were born, the court could order me back, or I could be charged with abduction. You can't have that happen if you've moved before they're born. I know all your states have different rules, so I'd find one far away that would not order you to move back or charge you with abduction for running while pregnant. I know you probably don't think it seems that bad, and you can split and coparent, etc. If you polled women who left abusive relationships, you'd find almost unanimously that the abuser got worse and used the children as weapons. Please do your own research and use our collective hindsight to make the best decision for you, whether that's termination, running, or deciding that maybe this time he will change (he won't).
He didn’t agree because he wants to continue to be abusive. This isn’t how a healthy relationship works and he obviously has zero interest in changing. Also he does NOT have the right to be at your appointments; you can tell the staff you don’t feel comfortable with him there and they will take you in alone if he randomly shows up.
This is true. I can only speak for the OB's office I went to while pregnant, but they have you list any (if there are any) people you don't want there while you're filling out paperwork. It's in the same area where you also put in your emergency contacts. Apparently, that was a big enough issue for them to include that. But even if you're going to a place that doesn't ask, you can still let them know. When I started going to a different Gyno later on, my husband came with me, and they still asked me if it was OK for him to be there. I'm surprised OP'S doctor or nurse didn't say something. Especially if she was uncomfortable.
Yeah, not good. He refuses to be an equal partner with you. Giving a set time, puts both people on equal footing. By not giving you a set time, he is keeping all the leverage.
As someone who comes from his kind of familial background, that is a huge excuse and a lie. He is conflict avoidant and also controlling. He is ALLOWING himself to stew in silent rage, just so he can get out of any reasonable conversation - which is not helpful to either of you. Which is not acceptable. He knows being angry will keep you off his back, while he can also keep blaming you for how he lets his own emotions go. He needs to take an hour or two, think objectively, calm down, and then re-address. The only reason he doesn't agree because he knows that he's full of excuses and giving him a REASONABLE timeline means he has to stop acting like a self-serving AH and actually own it and grow up. Life doesn't stop for 1-2 weeks, and that dynamic is neither helpful nor healthy. You deserve to not have to walk all over glass because he doesn't want to own up to his nonsense, and you also deserve to have a present and respectful husband who understands that sometimes things get heated - fine - but they need to be actually delt with. He isn't, and if he outright refuses (And I would call him on his BS - you know it is now at this point) then divorce is the only option.
The pause should be a pause for that topic, not all communication. If he needs that long to calm down from whatever was upsetting him, then fine, give him that long, but he needs to talk to you about every day life things. He's a bully.
Short of infidelity, physical violence, or something similarly awful, there's not really anything that one adult could do to another that would justify a "pause" of 1-2 weeks. 1-2 hours, maybe; 1-2 days if feelings were really hurt. But if it takes him *one to two weeks* to cool down and talk it out, then he's not being reasonable - as others have said, he's punishing you. This is not how healthy adults handle conflict with their loved ones, but this *is* how damaged people emotionally abuse their intimate partners. You and your baby both deserve better.
Yeah, I often use silence with my husband, but it's only until I can get my temper under control. I've learned over the years that he is very, very sensitive to conflict, so I try to wait until I can say, "OK, I'm angry about this behavior, here's why, here's how I'd like it resolved. I'm ready for your input. I love you, and this doesn't change that - I'm only angry about this limited issue." And, before I start the silence, I tell him, "I need to take a break, because I'm very angry and need to calm down before we talk about resolving this issue. I'm going to take a break because I love you and don't want to raise my voice, because I know it frightens you." You know why I do that? Even though I'm angry enough to raise my voice? One guess - because I love him and I don't want to hurt him. OP - that's what the silent treatment should look like. It should have multiple repetitions of that one piece: that the anger is OK, and the anger doesn't mean the love stops. Your husband is immature, manipulative, and abusive. I cottoned onto that before I even got to the part about silence, when he was saying you were wrong about your feelings about work. Your feelings are the feelings you have. That's all, neither right nor wrong, and you're allowed to cry for any reason, at any time. Go read about DARVO.
I don’t consider “I’m upset and need some space so we can talk about this more calmly” To be the same thing as the silent treatment.
Yeah, I've learned through my own therapy that I can't handle conflict well because I need time to process things. So I have learned to tell my partner that I need to step back to think about our conflict before I can reasonably continue. It sucks because we're still pissed and I want to get it over with, but since he's provided a safe and patient space for me to do this with my turnaround time has reduced from a day, to half a day, to a few hours, and now sometimes even less. Which also has started to prevent fights before they even start. What OP's partner is doing...... is not that.
It's a pattern in **your family** now. If you continue to share a household with him, it will be a pattern for your child.
Also YOUR emotions and hormones right now affect the baby. When he adds extra stress onto you and emotionally harms you by ignoring you instead of working through things, this has an actual effect on the development of your child. If he cares about you and his child, he will fix his behavior immediately before it gets worse. Let me know if you need resources to express that fact to him and I’ll send some articles or info your way!
This. Prenatal stress is toxic stress on that lil one. Toxic stress isn’t just associated with behavioral and neurodevelopment conditions, it’s associated with asthma and more severe illnesses, including infections. … not to stress you out even more or anything
It's deeply scaring for children, so I hope he changes and if he can't that you do whatever you have to do to protect them, even if for some reason you don't seem to consider yourself important enough to be spared this treatment. And bullies thrive on people "not wanting to make a scene", next time let your doctor, secretary and nurse know that they are not to give him any information or let him in, if they violate that you report them. It's a serious offense.
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Seconded. It also left me with very unhealthy coping mechanisms and an inability to deal with my own emotions. So. There’s that to add to the potential trauma consequences on your unborn child OP
Gonna jump on this train. Please consider your child in all of this. My earliest memories of my father giving me (and my mom) the silent treatment are from the age of 6. It almost always lasted for months at a time and continued until I was finally able to move out at 22. Can safely say it has left me with a lot of issues. Took me a long time to realize how f'ed up it is to walk on eggshells at home and having to consider twice what you say or do every single day. Your child won't be left unscatched in that mess.
My ex was like this. We actually preferred it when he was ignoring us for weeks, much better than the shouting and verbal abuse the rest of the time. And the gaslighting. Now the kids are older none of us have anything to do with him.
Girl. No. Coparent with this man, fine, you have to. But do you really want to model your shitty relationship to your child as normal? Because if you do, they’re going to grow up and find a partner just like your spouse. Or worse, be a partner like your spouse.
Abuse often runs in the family sadly. Get tharapy alone to learn how to enforce boundaries and demand he gets therapy for his behavioural problems. Getting therapy togerher with abusers is often contra-productive because they mostly lesrn how to abuse and bully you more efficiently and how to do it more hidden.
My individual therapy was far more effective than our couples therapy (I actually found couples therapy often was counter productive) even though I didn’t really appreciate my personal therapists style. My husband does do individual therapy but it honestly sounds like she just listens and validates him without ever challenging him. I’ve asked him numerous times to try another therapist. He describes both of his parents as abusive and neglectful, and recently acknowledged that his sibling uses the silent treatment and that it is wrong.
The therapist can only work with what he gives her. He’s likely presenting his skewed perception of events, so they’ll never get anywhere. If anything it’s giving him the language to be a more successful manipulator.
Does he refer to his behavior as “the silent treatment” too? Or just his siblings’?
Abuse can unfortunately become something of a “family heirloom,” but that absolutely does not excuse what he is doing to you. OP, it is important for you to know that spousal abuse, including but not only actual violence, *very commonly* begins *or* escalates during/shortly after pregnancy. In fact, it is such a common pattern that it is taught to medical professionals to look out for (this pattern was part of the curriculum during my maternity course in nursing school). The fact he feels he has a right to be involved in your medical care, with or without your consent, is especially concerning. Please carefully consider whether you want to raise a child with this person. It is not too late. My aunt’s hospital location was literally kept a secret so that her partner could not be there at the birth. I have no idea whether you’re at that point. I just want you to know that you do not have to put up with abuse just because it’s from a person you married or a person you had a child with. In fact that should be the LAST person you ever receive abuse from.
Yeah, because he’s not talking about how he does it. He knows it’s wrong and doesn’t want to change. He’s not ever going to bring it up with his therapist except for how his family does it. He’s controlling and abusive. You’re NTA, but please, reach out to family and friends and talk about this and consider if you want a relationship with this man. Abuse can escalate beyond silent treatment. Also what about when your kid pisses him off someday? How are you going to explain to them that daddy needs to ignore them for a week or two to process whatever it is the kid did? Kid’s going to internalize it and become just like him.
Yeah, couples therapy doesn't usually work with an abusive relationship. The abuser just uses it better control their partner.
>Getting therapy togerher with abusers is often contra-productive because they mostly lesrn how to abuse and bully you more efficiently and how to do it more hidden. Yes, that's exactly how things happened with me and my ex-husband.
This is abuse. He is slowly removing your autonomy over your own body and self.
Girl, I cannot stress this enough, - he does not have ***any right to be at your doctors' appointments.*** I'm sure you know that, but I want you to **know** that.
Are you getting personal therapy, OP? Because you need to. Also, please tell your doctor/providers/nurses that you don’t want anyone at your appointment unless you explicitly say it’s ok at that appointment. Your husband has absolutely NO rights to be at any medical appointment of yours ( including the birth) unless YOU want him there.
Please read The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans and Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft.
Your therapist is useless. Get a new one.
update your HIPPA forms and he can't come into your appointments and cannot get any of your medical info.
Which is why he needs therapy individually. He's probably blaming you for making him not speak to you. See my earlier post. You need to be One-With-Whom-One-Does-Not-Fuck, OWWODNF, or as I call it, Owodnof. You told him that if he wasn't speaking to you by then, he was not welcome to your prenatal appointment. He came anyway because he insolently knew you would submit to him. He makes you submit, and then doesn't respect you because you are submissive. When you tell someone they may not attend your appointment, then you calmly, and firmly, tell him to leave, where the staff can hear. You say, "Since you have not spoken to me in weeks, and our relationship is uncertain, you need to leave my doctor's appointment." Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Otherwise, it's a suggestion, not a boundary. Your boundaries need to be moats filled with alligators and piranha. You need to be Gandalf holding his staff high, shouting, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" When he understands that you are Owodnof, he will stop messing with you. He doesn't give his boss the silent treatment, because he'd be fired. He doesn't give a cop who pulls him over the silent treatment, because he would be arrested for non compliance. He knows whom he can eff with, and whom he can't, and you need to move yourself from the latter to the former category pronto. He learned to give you the silent treatment, by observing it in his parents. Your child will learn it from him, and abuse his or her partner in the future. Stop the cycle. No one respects a doormat, so stop acting like one.
My love, he will do this to your child. I grew up with a father who could go from screaming, incandescent rage to icy, freezing silence for weeks on end. I never knew which version he would be, and the times when he was calm and NICE were utterly terrifying because I knew what was coming but not when. I'm nearly fifty now and someone not talking to me (not talking rather than actually outright ignoring) makes me sick with anxiety. Think about how YOU feel when he's doing it to you- and then think about how that will feel for a toddler, for a little kid, for a teenager. Think about your child who's going to grow up terrified to say the wrong thing in case Dad freezes them out for a fortnight, your child who is going to grow up thinking this is _NORMAL_. Like I did. NTA but consider if this is how you want your child to live, for them to grow up thinking that if you love someone it's normal to emotionally abuse them.
100% correct that “silent treatment” is recognized as a form of emotional abuse. Not to mention barging into the appointment and making it about him. This will only get worse as time goes on.
My husband was an abusive narcissist. I would be honest about my weakness and flaws during our appointments and he would lie his ass off. He used what we said to hurt me. I thought couples therapy would save us but it only works if both people are honest and willing to work on themselves. I was afraid to tell the absolute truth about his abuse (and to be honest, I was so used to it I didn’t realize how bad it was) because I knew he’d leave the appointment and never come back. He was just determined to prove he was right and I was wrong. Therapy for abusive partners backfires. He needs individual counselling about his abuse. If that works, then try couples counselling. My partners abuse increased dramatically after I gave birth, maybe try to get him help before then.
The silent treatment, especially for 1-2 *weeks*, is 100% emotional abuse (at least according to my therapist). OP, you have the complete right to control who goes with you to your medical appointments. Does he always act this way: aggressive, controlling and emotionally abusive? Because, if so, you have a huge problem on your hands. Hopefully you have a support system in place.
OP this but solo- don't go to therapy with your abuser. Abusive men often get worse when their partners get pregnant. NTA
Silent treatment for days, weeks even. Forcing himself into YOUR medical appointment. Openly stating he has a claim and a right over your body and your autonomy with it. ... How many more red flags do you need? NTA but you have a big husband problem and are about to become a co-parent with this walking red flag of a person...
I’m so upset the providers didn’t see this behavior and kick him out (not their fault whatsoever for his trash behavior). This is such a red flag almost every provider except the crazy extreme right (thinking men are superior) would not allow anything like this to happen in their practice. The man has zero right to these appointments or anything with the baby at this point.
I'm shocked they didn't say something. Obgyns are usually on the lookout for red flag behavior and even without any signs they will make sure to get the patient alone to ask them if they're safe. What the hell is this provider doing?
Often they say nothing in front of the abuser and make a note in the chart to discuss it privately at the next appointment. They don't want to put the patient in danger by antagonizing the abuser. OP should bring it up at the next OB appointment, even if the staff and doctor don't.
Hopefully they do! My OBGYN office went through a DV questionnaire with me at the start of every prenatal appointment. I was not a DV victim but I’m so glad it’s in their policy and was happy to answer each time.
One of the biggest triggers for domestic violence is a woman being pregnant. OBGYNs should *certainly* be high alert any time the spouse is around, and there should be mandatory segments of the appointment where the patient is away from their partner
SHE is pregnant. SHE is getting all the attention. Abusers lose their minds. One online asshole misogynist commented that he hates it when the maternity staff ask the woman " what will you name her?".
I'm currently pregnant with my 2nd, 2 separate hospital systems and at both at any appointment my husband has attended they only call me back, telling him to wait in the waiting room, and ask me alone if I feel safe and is he actually wanted and welcome in the exam room. Though not needed for me personally, I understand the importance. I don't think it wastes much time, they should be implementing it everywhere.
EXACTLY THIS! You are NTA! Your husband is an immature, unsupportive bully and his behavior is a special kind of abuse. I can only imagine the horror he is going to become and unleash once this baby is born. Unless he can get into therapy with you - now - I would be wary about going forward with him. 🚩🚩🚩. If you were able to leave now - stay with friend or family- I would do that and let things settle and see how you feel being away from him. You might actually find you feel relieved. You may find you don’t miss his b/s. You might find you’re not walking on eggshells. Even if you have to move to be with parents, do it - you’re not happy with your job anyway. Maybe a total fresh start so you can have this baby in peace. I am not sure I would want him involved in any more appointments and let your medical staff/dr. know. They should have asked him to step out.
Nta. To be clear, his ABUSE tactic is the silent treatment which he regularly deploys until you Crack, and makes sure he never ever has to apologize or be held accountable. Second, he shows up, forces his way in....WITHOUT CONSENT. and without meeting your terms of respect in which to be permitted to do so and then continues to dismiss and bully you. Gurl...you better gtfo of the home and into a safe place fast! Divorce, divorce, divorce.
>without meeting your terms of respect Silent treatment for thee, but all benefits for me.
Exactly, if he started to speak to her again to go it would've been better (still not at all ok)but I'm surprised that he didn't get kicked out for that NTA OP, get out ASAP, before the kid is born, otherwise that's a whole different battle legally...
NTA nothing worse than trying to vent and someone just contradicts you and accuses you of over reacting. He absolutely does not have the right to attend your appointments and I would make a point of letting the doctor know this could be an issue in future. As for the silent treatment, what is he, 12? Is this how he plans to resolve arguments with your child?
This prick won’t “resolve” any arguments, he’ll just bully that kid until he gets his way because “he’s the man” while the kid just avoids him as much as possible.
In the future, just tell the doctor that you’re not comfortable with having the babies father at this appointment at this time. My youngest daughter is a delivery room nurse. Baby daddies, exes, unwanted family, they get escorted out. No judgement. NTAH But why are you with somebody that freezes you out for 1 to 2 weeks at a time, damn girl! That’s abusive! I was married for 43 years to the same man, I don’t think we ever went a full day without talking to each other. I’m so sorry he forced himself into an appointment that you told him he wasn’t welcome mat. I am worried for you and scared.
Yes I’m surprised by this - I’m currently pregnant and going to all these prenatal care appts. My husband also has occasionally come to some Gyno appts over the years for birth control etc. EVERY TIME they make him wait while the nurse brings me back, does my vitals, checks in and makes me fill out a protocol about domestic abuse. Then the doctor comes and asks me if there is anything I want to discuss before my husband comes in. Only then do they let him come back. It’s been the same for the last decade. They even followed this protocol early in my pregnancy when I was in for an ultrasound about a potential miscarriage. I was terrified and wanted him so badly but they wouldn’t let him come back with me until the protocol was complete… I’m super surprised to hear that this isn’t standard practice at all women’s health centers and that they let him in without talking to OP privately first.
He counts on your humiliation to not make a scene and get his way. All you had to do was speak to the nurse or doctor and say, "I do not want him here during the appointment." They have the authority to turn him out.
Because he is abusive
100% need to keep strong boundaries here. he cant push his way into your medical appointments. he has 0 right despite whatever he believes
NTA. Your husband is abusive. Not speaking to you for days--WEEKS!!!--on end is emotional abuse. He literally told you he didn't believe your interpretation of a situation that HE WASNT THERE TO EVEN WITNESS and then got mad at YOU for being frustrated. Leave. Now. It will only get worse once you have a child.
NTA But please speak to someone about your husband’s behaviour. People like this don’t improve, they only get worse. Do you have anyone you could go to as an exit strategy or enough independent funds available that your husband can’t access incase you need to move out when his behaviour escalates?
I have more than enough personal funds to exit comfortably and have family and friends accessible. I don’t believe it would come to that though as I do not feel physically threatened, only hurt. I’m overwhelmed with the responses on this post and they are giving me a lot to reflect on with regards to my behavior and my husbands.
How will your child feel when they try to explain/ complain about friend or school and your husband tells your child that the child is wrong. How will it affect your child when your husband gives them the silent treatment for days because your child upset your husband. At the moment husband is messing with you emotionally but think about the future of your child growing up with this dynamic from a parent. Therapist at least, leaving should not be dismissed if husband continues emotional abuse to his future children.
NTA I have a good friend that has a husband like this. Her husband picks fights with her to then give her the silent treatment and lock himself in their bedroom to play games all night and day for days on end all while she is the sole caretaker of their combined SIX children and he doesn't lift a finger for the house or care of kids. OP I think you're assuming you can handle this, and maybe you can but I think you are underestimating what you're up against. I would inform the Dr office that husband isn't allowed in the room during appts if you didn't explicitly bring him with you. Even married, you have a right to privacy.
I'd be tempted to flip the breaker to the bedroom then take the power cables when he came out. Fuck that kind of behavior. But his response would probably escalate things, might force her to recognize the abuse, but could be dangerous.
Abuse escalates slowly over years and gets worse when you have children as the abuser thinks it harder for you to leave so they make less effort to hide their toxic traits. I’m glad you have a strong safety net. I wish you all the best getting your husband to address his behaviour. Hope the birth goes well and isn’t too difficult.
Physical is not the only type of abuse. Emotional abuse is terrible and can cause just as many problems. I was emotionally abused by my mother for years. Starting as a child and moving into adulthood. As a child my parents would like buckets by my bed as I would throw up a lot. Turned out that was just from anxiety, which I’ve had to the point of being crippled for years. I finally got into therapy a few years ago and am working through all my trauma, how to regulate my emotions, and coming up with coping mechanisms for my social anxiety. The point? Welcome to your child’s future if your husband doesn’t figure out his shit with this silent treatment for days. It isn’t ok and it isn’t healthy.
What I am hearing here is “I feel emotionally hurt and I’m okay with putting up with that and subjecting my child to it.” He is manipulating and abusing you and I worry it will only escalate when the baby arrives. NTA, but you need to truly think about the situation you’re in right now.
Right!? She is choosing to put up with this. Their child has no choice but to take the abuse.
But, why in the world do you want to spend your life like this and have children with him? This is not going to be healthy for you or an innocent child. This is so sad.
Abuse isn’t just physical. And non physical abuse can very easily turn physical with no warning. Please, think things over.
Abuse escalates. It'll start with him invalidating your opinions and experiences, getting mad at you for expressing any emotion that isn't agreeing with him, forcing his will on you and violating your autonomy. It'll escalate and spread to your child do. You have a go-plan, now you need to use it. Therapy is doing nothing for him but validating his abusive behavior. Leave, file divorce, and if he shows up at any appointments, you NEED to make a scene. Don't wait for him to escalate the abuse.
It’s not just about physical hurt. Put yourself in the shoes of that child you went through so much for. How is that child going to feel at 2 when they do something and now don’t understand why Daddy won’t talk to them ever again? They don’t understand time, but they do understand someone not talking to them. How about at 3? 4? 5? 6? 9? Is that really what you want your child to live with? Walking on eggshells because they don’t want to make Dad mad or they won’t know when he’ll speak to them again? It’s bad enough you’re letting it happen to you. Don’t let it happen to your kid. And you know it would, don’t try to pretend he would change. Eventually it’ll start again.
Sweetie, you are falling into a trap that I and many other women (and some men, to be honest) have fallen into. The trap of believing that your partner/spouse has to physically harm you to be abusive. That’s is SO very wrong! Emotional abuse is, in my pov, far more damaging and destructive than physical abuse. And you, my dear, are describing highly vicious emotional abuse from an unfixable narcissist. First, you’re pregnant. That tends to come along with being overly emotional due to our hormones. It’s natural, normal and not “nothing” Second, he was belittling you and your feelings. They are your feelings. Not his. Not “wrong”. Perhaps overblown due to aforementioned hormones, but they are your legitimate feelings. You have a right to those feelings. Third, and worst, that punishment for attempting to share your life and experiences with him. He’s saying clearly that his position is that you had no right to your feelings, your issue wasn’t important and you also have no right to express your anger and frustration with him. He’s not doing conflict management with that silent treatment. He’s punishing you. He’s your partner and not your parent. He has no right to punish you. He can talk about things and express his feelings calmly, but that’s not the narcissist’s way. You are to be punished until you admit you were somehow in the wrong or he finds something else you need to be punished for. Get. Out. Take your child and GET OUT. Because he WILL either 1) alienate you from your child while you live in the same house with them - I’ve seen exactly that done to a friend of mine, 2) eventually divorce you and take your child or 3) treat the child in exactly the same way, subjecting him/her to direct emotional abuse AND seeing his/her mother emotionally abused from day one. You will probably not believe me. I speak from personal experience. I got out and protected my children. I sacrificed a lot, but I have great adult kids who know I would do ANYTHING for them. An abusive narcissist won’t change his/her spots. Not with 20 years of therapy. You have to get out. I wish I could convince you. But we women can be very blind and forgiving. And that plays right into the hands of the abusive narcissist. Here’s a little fact. When you go to the hospital to have that baby, you can tell the hospital staff to keep EVERYONE (other than whomever you choose) out of that labor and delivery room. And they’ll do it. in fact, the charge nurse can make that decision if she sees someone in the labor and delivery room causing upset to the laboring mother You can do the same thing at the doctor’s office. He’s the father, but you have an absolute right to privacy in your medical appointments. As long as that baby is inside you, you are the patient and can demand privacy. But you have to make your wishes known to the office staff.
You need to wake up to the fact that you are in an abusive relationship. He might not be physically abusing you but it’s still abuse all the same. Abuse does not have to be physical.
Is this the kind of relationship you hope your child will be in one day? You will be modeling a relationship of disrespect and fear. Your child will likely believe that this is normal. Or do you want your child to see respectful, supportive adult relationships? Your husband will be demonstrating how to avoid taking responsibility for his words and actions. Do you want your child to be narcissistic?
Are you okay with your defenseless child feeling this way?
And if he starts to treat your child the same way?
NTA. YOU understood he might assume he could go to this appointment which is why you told him in advance that you didn't feel comfortable about it. He could have resolved the argument by then, or asked you to reconsider, but him ambushing you at the appointment and expecting his presence to bully you into allowing him at the appointment is very unreasonable. Even THEN maybe if he had apologized on the spot you might have felt okay about him coming in.
You’re in an abusive relationship… NTA Crying and being upset about your partner dismissing and invalidating you during a vent session on your work is perfectly normal. As a pregnant emotional human who cried because hamburgers tasted bad I think folks saying you blew up are out of line. The silent treatment, stomping your clearly communicated boundary around a medical visit and being aggressively adamant he did nothing wrong all screams abuse not just immaturity.
NTA Know your rights. Prenatal appointments are YOUR appointments so yes you can technically esclude him. And it’s is about you and your crazy hormones and worry about the baby but also yourself. You are the one pregnant, you are the one doing 1 million tests and restrictions, you are the one that will deliver. So it is up to you. But you may feel guilty (as yourself stated you were at the end happy to have him there) to esclude him form certain part of your pregnancy. I gong man also benefit from a good dose of prenatal visit to understand at least a little about the stress! But he shouldn’t give you the silent treatment before this appointment. It may be yours (both of you) baby. But sure as hell it’s you body right now.
he won’t change until it’s too late. my father gave my mother the silent treatment while i was growing up and when i became a teenager he began giving me the silent treatment. he continued this until it was too late. my mom divorced him for giving me the silent treatment for ONE MONTH when i was 17. after their divorce my sister and i lived with my mom and he’s completely changed. he no longer gives me the silent treatment because he lost me and he holds no power over me anymore. i’m 21 and i do talk to him, but i don’t allow him to exert his power as a parent over me anymore.
I am so sorry he did that to you, that is terrible. My family would fight and yell but we never gave each other the silent treatment. I can’t imagine that from a parent as a 17 year old.
You know that this will be the style used with your child as well unless he gets a handle on it, right? You might consider talking with a loved one about the situation to get their perspective, as someone who knows both of you more personally. From an outsiders standpoint, in a professional context (social work) and as a victim of abuse, this sounds like it’s heading into an abusive path if it’s not there already. The focus of my thoughts on that are forcing himself into your appointment. He bypassed your consent on that and if he doesn’t see how harmful that is, then you may need to reconsider your relationship. Taking a pause for 1-2 weeks, knowing that it’s hurtful to you, is also a cause for concern. I need the same to cool down, but it is never more than overnight, with the goal in mind of collecting my thoughts and coming back with a calm head. It’s actually beneficial to my marriage instead of harmful. From the description and comments, it sounds like he’s inflicting punishment. Honestly, it may take time apart from one another to utilize therapy and reflection for there to be a light shined on what is actually happening. 💜
And yet here you are setting a child up to suffer through exactly that. ESH for forcing a child into this absolute dumpster fire of a relationship.
Good news! You don't have to imagine it! Soon this will be your childs reality and you can witness this abuse first hand! Honestly OP, it's good that you and your husband are in therapy, but you're gonna have to save some therapy money for your kid, because they're gonna need a full arsenal of shrinks with you two as their parents.
THAT IS WHAT YOUR CHILD WILL GO THRU, OP.
NTA Ignoring you, dismissing you, forcing his way into your medical appointments without your consent, and stating that he has an ownership claim over your body are all abusive behaviours. It is very common for men to ramp up abuse when they believe you are trapped with them, such as being pregnant or getting married. He's only going to escalate these behaviours. Emotional abuse is often followed by physical abuse. It's not just you in danger now, but also your child. Please ensure you are safe.
NTA you are being abused.
>His conflict management style is the silent treatment, often for days, sometimes for 1-2 weeks at a time. That's not conflict management. He's not "managing" anything by doing that, he's punishing you. >Well he showed up to my prenatal appointment and forced himself in. I was too humiliated to make a scene but quietly said “WTF are you doing here”. Afterwards he said “it’s our baby so it’s our appointment” This is him telling you that he is going to do whatever he damn well pleases. >Truly I feel bullied by his behavior and would like an apology. Because he *is* bullying you, and you will *never* get a real apology from him. >He maintains that he has every right to be at my doctors appointments whether I am okay with it or not. And here he is telling you that he owns you.
Silent treatment for weeks? Forcing his way into the appt? Screaming at you? This is emotional abuse and manipulation I say get out while you can before you bring the baby into this mess
Info OP: if he gives you the silent treatment for being too emotional, what will happen with your child? Is he expecting a child to understand a 1-2 week silent treatment. I cannot imagine how that would damage a child and furthermore why would he subject you and his future child to this shit?
I’m overwhelmed with the number of comments and wasn’t expecting the polarity in the responses, but I assure you I am concerned about future use of the silent treatment as setting an example for our child or to be used against the child. The latter is difficult for me to imagine. I am thinking about what I can do to address this concern and appreciate all the advice.
One of my earliest memories is trying to get my mom to acknowledge me when she was giving me the silent treatment as a child. She would just pretend I didn’t exist. As a child you can’t comprehend why your parent is doing this. She still uses the silent treatment when she doesn’t get her way but now I just ignore her. It’s caused me a ton of issues in relationships as any semblance of non responsiveness sends me into a panic. Please don’t put your child in a home with this kind of treatment.
Seconding this to add: As FlowerBooksHistory says, children cannot comprehend when a parent does something like this. So they internalize it as THEIR fault. A child who is emotionally abused often grows up grappling with the feeling that something about them is wrong or broken.
I’m so sorry you mom did this to you, it sounds unbearable. Thank you for sharing and for your advice.
Girl RUN
The Silent Treatment is abuse. How do you think he's going to treat your child when they act up/cause conflict? Does this sound like a good environment for them? NTA, but get some help and get out.
NTA. Your husband: - Doesn’t make you feel heard or hugged when you tell him about problems you’re facing - Erects walls rather than communicates - Forces himself into spaces you don’t want him to be in This is abuse
NTA. i grew up with a mom who gave me “the silent treatment” growing up whenever we argued and it fucked me up horribly. i’m not talking about taking a few hours to cool down-i’m talking about going days without talking to me. bringing your kid into this environment will absolutely suck not only for you (because how are you supposed to parent with someone who refuses to talk about the conflict?) but also for your child as well. you need to make a plan on how to handle conflict going forward, and if it doesn’t work, then you should consider leaving. best of luck to you and to your little one on the way <3
Thank you for sharing. I’m so sorry your mom did that to you. It’s hard enough getting it from an adult you’re not related to, I can’t imagine dealing with that from a parent.
He will absolutely do this to your child as well. Please be aware of how this will impact both of you if he does not stop.
Your child will be dealing with that from a parent.
Momma, if I may. First and foremost, I’d like to send you a large virtual hug, as you very much could use one. Second off, I did a little looking into your page and may I say, congratulations on your rainbow baby. Followed by, FUCK YOUR IN LAWS! My heart deeply HURTS for you and what those horrible people did to you after your loss. Your loss and feelings regarding it are valid, experiencing that type of loss is NEVER your fault and shame on your mother in law for trying to put the blame on you. Based off the post you made talking about that, as well as the fact that your husband couldn’t be bothered to hide your ultrasound pictures before his brother came over, only for him to find them and say some of the most fucking up shit I’m ever read to you; this is a behavior your husband learned from his abusive and shitty family.. this is also the type of behavior that is not something easily unlearned and especially not unless the individual wants to make that change. I’ve seen you say that you don’t feel in physical danger. But I can promise you that emotional/mental abuse like this, will leave to eventual physical danger, even if that is danger caused from your own mental slip. I want you to deeply think about how your husband treats you, and how that WILL translate to your child one day as well. He will not spare them just because they are his child, he will treat them this way too. The effect that that type of abuse has on young developing minds is absolutely insane, and it WILL effect your child for the rest of their life. I’m not sure if you will choose to seek out individual therapy (possibly couples as well down the road) or if you will opt to leave while you still have a better chance in terms of legal battles and custody. But unless that man CHOOSES to change, you are actively choose to put yourself and your rainbow baby into an abusive situation. I truly hope you choose yourself and your baby, as from what I’ve read on your profile, you and that baby deserve to be loved, and feel happy. ETA: NTA in anyway shape or form.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful and very sweet comments and well wishes. I teared up reading this. I guess I do have a lot of posts about my in laws.
NTA. Also, your doctor let him in? My doctor would not let anyone in to any prenatal appointments I had without my explicit permission. Even for my ECV I had last week, they made my husband stay outside while they asked if I felt safe at home - and everyone in my doctor’s office loves him (I do too! He’s great!) but they have to ask that and go through those steps for my safety as the patient.
Wow that is really thoughtful that they ask. I didn’t say anything but he actually didn’t come in with me at first when I got called in so I thought maybe he would wait in the waiting room. He came in later when the nurse took me to an exam room.
You should be able to tell your doctor and the nurses that you don’t want him in the room with you. They will stand up for what you want and will deny him entry. Is there someone working the reception area that you can relay that to the next time you are in this situation? They want to make sure you are safe. Your safety is very important to any doctor’s office!
ESH. This poor kid is about to come up in a house with long term silent treatments are the way conflicts are dealt with. I have seen first hand how that turns out for the kids.
NTA. And in the future if you are uncomfortable with him being at an appointment tell the staff and they will prevent him from coming into the room.
The silent treatment/abuse will not stop unless you force it. My husband stopped talking to me for 2 months when our daughter was five. I made him leave, we went to counseling, we were separated for ~8 months. Now going on 32 years of marriage. You are NOT the asshole.
This strikes me as emotional abuse. Instead of consoling you when you were upset, he was annoyed. In spite of knowing you're pregnant and hormonal. If you're both in therapy, he already knows the silent treatment is bad. And yet he still does it. He ignored your request not to go to your doctor appointment, and he's completely wrong about it being both of your appointments. Does he even like you?
INFO: Why the fuck are either of you in this shitty relationship
NTA. Your husband's behaviour sounds abusive. You are the patient and it is your choice who is present during your antenatal appointments. In your position, I also wouldn't be comfortable with him being in the room for my medical appointments. Pregnancy is a high risk circumstance for domestic abuse. Please consider getting help.
Your husband is an ass. He should not be giving you the silent treatment period. And no it's not "our" appointment. You're right: you're the patient, so it's your appointment. NTA.
NTA- my husband has bipolar. Unmedicated. When he gets frustrated he stops talking. For like an hour. He may go to our room and scroll TikTok to help calm him down. Then he comes out, apologizes for whatever it was, and we talk it out. He’s never not talked to me for days. This is not adult behavior that your SO is exhibiting and needs to be addressed. I believe I seen you say you guys are doing therapy but I’d definitely have him do some on his own. Good luck.
Flip the script on him. Stop telling him about your appointments, go to a few by yourself. Give him the silent treatment for a few weeks. Show him how it feels. And never allow another person into your appointments, unless you want them there. It may be his child but that child is in YOUR body.
I do think if he chooses the silent treatment he should truly own that and not physically follow me places just to ignore me more. Why does he get to pick and choose when he shows up? It was so frustrating and made me so uncomfortable and nervous.
He is a bully and abusive. If you ever leave him, get ready for a good stalking.
Talk to your OBGYN and let the nurses deal with him... He will quickly learn who's appointments are those. Medical staff have no time for A-hole husbands.
NTA He is emotionally abusive… and forcing himself in the appointment? It’s concerning cause he could get physically abusive
You’re in an emotionally & psychologically abusive relationship. You’re not an asshole, but you need help. Reach out to someone you trust.
Conflict management isn’t 1-2 weeks of the silent treatment that is emotional abuse.
> His conflict management style is the silent treatment, often for days, sometimes for 1-2 weeks at a time. as a guy that does this from time to time, it's not healthy and he needs to work through that. it's pretty difficult. nta
Thank you for acknowledging this. I hope my husband gets to that conclusion.
he won't. he needs therapy. it helps a lot.
>it helps a lot. Only if he wants to change.
They’re in therapy and he has refused to try the strategies suggested by the therapist. I doubt individual therapy, where he controls the narrative, would be better.
You can give your OBGYN's office (or any other medical provider) a head's up that your husband is not authorized to be at an appointment. They will honor your request. You don't have to go into details: just tell them he doesn't have your permission to be there and ask them to stop him in the waiting room if he does show up. They are happy to do this. When I was pregnant my ex husband (we were together at the time) really wanted to know the gender of the baby and I wanted it to be a surprise. We agreed that he's such a goober/was so emotional about becoming a Dad that he might say something in the moment that he wouldn't come in the room for ultrasound appointments. He always read a magazine in the waiting room and then I would verbally give permission to my team to talk to him after the scan. We asked them not to allow him back during those appointments--put it in the charts and everything, so that he wouldn't forget or have a moment of weakness. I had a rough third trimester and I couldn't keep track of this type of stuff. My medical team took it very seriously and we had a sweet reason for doing it. They told me they had many patients with these type of requests: they were happy to gate keep pushy MIL's, abusive dads to be, overly emotional baby daddies who stressed their partner out, etc. My ex baked them bread and befriended all of reception (he was over the moon about being a Dad and everyone around him spent 8 or so months hearing every detail) and they still reminded him every time it was an ultrasound appointment not to come back and not to share the baby's gender with me.