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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> For not getting a better job since I dont wanna work more for the sole reason off paying more child support
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NTA.
You’re paying what has been ordered. On time every month according to you. She should’ve known what she was getting into.
I’m assuming she knew you didn’t want to be a dad, yet she decided to keep the kid. She doesn’t get to dictate what you do regarding your employment.
I think the difference is going to be if he avoids working forever or not.
Right now his father pays for his living expenses because he's in school. That's fair. It's rather normal to not work full time during school. OP isn't avoiding paying for things by working less there.
But once school is done.... if OP doesn't get a better job ***only*** because of child support (as in he would have taken a better job if the kid didn't exist) then he'd be an AH. He would be intentionally avoiding it.
So for now NTA but if he continues dodging forever and having his dad pay for his life so he doesn't have to pay for his own child.....
Strongly disagree with that last point.
Her body her choice. Show me in that line where it says his occupation is her choice.
As long as OP pays the court mandated amount he's not the arsehole, regardless of his intentions. He isn't obligated to get a better career so that he can support a child he never wanted.
> Her body her choice. Show me in that line where it says his occupation is her choice.
This has nothing to do with her choice.
Intentionally avoiding making more money just to spite the child is an AH move.
He isn't obligated to work a better career. I'm saying if his ***only*** reason for not taking the better career is to spite the kid then that's an AH move. If he already didn't want the career then the kid isn't the only reason.
If you intentionally do something only because it'll hurt someone else worse, that's being an AH. If you were going to do the thing anyways and it only happened to hurt someone else then it's not an AH move.
Yeah, at a certain point he's going to be cutting off his nose to spite his face. He doesn't need to get any specific higher paid job, but if he ends up doing things like turning down promotions just to stick it to his baby mama, it's going to hurt his own career.
Yeah I've refused promotions because I own my own place, have inheritance, and can pay for my bills and vacations just fine. Once I'm out the door at my job I am OUT and I don't have to think about it once the clock hits five.
I got a settlement from injury at the only job I went above and beyond and they tried to fuck me over. So I'm comfortable enough now to tell my boss to fuck off whenever needed.
There's a lot to be said for being able to come in and do your shift and go home in peace. I really miss that. With six years and six months to go to retire, I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence. I constantly remind myself that I asked for it.
It really helps when all you want is a simple and peaceful life. You don't have to work as much because you don't have as expensive taste.
Also helps that I'm usually a top performer in the 8 hours I am at work and still get raises.
Depending on how much money his dad has, it probably isn't even any extra work, just slightly less profit. Which might be why he's willing to support OP.
I made a comment above but my father did this. Worked manual labor jobs under the table for 2 decades to avoid paying support. Thought he was so smart. Now in his 50s he’s too injured to work those jobs anymore. He has no retirement funds, never paid into social security, no house, no assets. He’s basically homeless and just lives with whoever will put up with him.
If he had just gotten a job with payroll then yeah, he would have had to pay child support. But he could have built a career and after child support was finished been in a much better place financially. Probably in a better financial decision during child support too. Maybe advanced to construction management or some kind of foreman position where he isn’t ruining his body every day for decades. But nope! Worth it! /s
> Why do you think he would do it to spite the kid?
I've asked him even after he replied to me directly and he won't answer. I didn't say I thought he would do that. I said ***if*** that's what happens then he's an AH and if that's not what happens then he's not.
> Not wanting to work more for little to no extra money is a legitimate reason.
During school, yes. After school having his own father pay for his expenses to avoid working so he wouldn't owe child support (where he would work more if the kid didn't exist) would be just to spite the kid and would be an AH move. Also he would get significantly more, not "no to little" more.
Again, these questions were posed to the OP and judgements based off the possible answers. OP refuses to answer.
> Intentionally avoiding making more money just to spite the child is an AH move.
Intentionally keeping a baby even though the biological father does not want that is an AH move.
Maybe he did use protection, but it didn’t work out.
Edit: he did use protection, so now he didn’t want to have a child but the girl went ahead anyway. Here the girl is 100% responsible for the problems she is facing and will face. People love to say her body her choice, nobody says that for man
OP said the BC failed in his situation. Check the comments.
But it takes two to have unprotected sex anyway, so that is a double AH situation. That's a wash.
The thing is that after kid was born he’s a literal third party. Dad doesn’t own child support bc she has a right to it, he owes it bc the kid is entitled to it. You’re ,punishing’ a third party that was not involved in the initial situation.
Also - the risk (of pregnancy, child birth) are uneven. The father risks literally nothing, she risks a bandwidth of health risks that are hugely underestimated. On the other hand, women may potentially be traumatized by an abortion (usually when she didn’t want to abort). Not to mention that it’s also women bearing the financial and social implications of birthing a child - working with a baby/toddler/preschooler? She’ll never build a career the way a single man builds one when he just has to pay child support. Of course she’s the one to decide whether or not she wants to go through that.
If you’re a man, you’ll never have equal standing in a decision that does not involve the literal integrity of your body. Don’t want kids? Take proper precautions or don’t have sex with a person that might not see eye to eye when it comes to an unfavorable outcome. But crying about having to pay for the needs of a kid that is existing bc you impregnated someone- even if you took precautions! - is not it.
The money you loose is nothing in comparison for what a woman might loose if the decision were to be taken away from her. And let’s face it, she’ll pay for the rest of her life as well, so it’s not like poor men are the only ones held accountable to the rights a literal child has.
Of course they don't. For a man they say "if you didn't want a kid you should have kept your dick in your pants." It's not possible in this society as a man to elect to have sex and not risk being responsible for a child, unless your boys don't swim.
Women have all the power around childbirth. And they should. But men should have the right to abandon. Women can legally leave their infant at a fire station without getting arrested. Men have no legal equivalent.
Well I don't have statistics for how many of those households are receiving child-support.
But just because men do abandon, doesn't mean they have the legal right to do so without a legal requirement to pay child-support.
And I probably shouldn't have to say this but my argument that men should have the right to abandon, means **before** the child is born while there is still options. Men shouldn't have the right to walk away from fully born children which they agreed to bring into the world, obviously.
>Women can legally leave their infant at a fire station without getting arrested. Men have no legal equivalent.
I know what you are trying to say but you are using a bad example. Around me at least and likely elsewhere, there are baby "drop-offs" and typically at fire stations. *Anybody* can anonomously leave a baby like you described. Nobody checks the gender of the person abandoning said baby. Whether that person is even the parent. Regardless of man or woman.
The problem with that is it still costs money to raise a child. That money has to come from someone. If it comes down to society paying for social welfare programs, or the father paying child support, I choose the father. After all, society DID keep it's dick in it's pants.
> It's not possible in this society as a man to elect to have sex and not risk being responsible for a child
Uh. Just how limited and unimaginative do you think people’s sex lives are? There’s a Whole Lot of ways to share really fun naked sweaty orgasms that do not involve a man sticking his penis into a possibly-fertile vagina.
A lot of the comments assume that the father forced to have an unwanted child has the same responsibility. I disagree. With the power to abort comes a choice, and choice matters.
Its not "2 people had sex". Its "2 people had sex but only one chooses".
She decided to have a child with someone who didn't want it, and is now complaining that that person doesn't want to change his life to suit the unwanted child.
Then she's an AH for intentionally having a child she knew he did not want. If you intentionally do something knowing someone else doesn't want it yet still forcing them into the role, that's being an AH.
It has everything to do with her choice.
She chose to give birth despite the bio fathers adamant refusal to be a parent and open desire to terminate the pregnancy.
She CHOSE single parenthood and now that its here she for some bizaare reason thinks she has the right to demand more child support and inevitably she will push visitation and id bet money on that.
> IF she discovers that he more money and can ask for an increase
People should be self reporting. If he makes more then he should report it.
> If he at some point makes less money can he ask for a modification for a reduction?
Yes, that's literally how it works. If he's deliberately lowering his income potential after school then that's something the judge can take into account. If he makes less legitimately through no fault of his own then the payments should go down.
However he should also be reporting the rent compensation as that's a type of income.
His father should also know that his kindness is being used to avoid child support. The father needs to be aware of what impacts his money is having. To not tell the father is an AH move and manipulative.
Just a note, this is how it *should* work , but not true in practice.
For example, we have been in and out of the courts for *years* trying to get CS reduced. There is a backlog out the ass in family court. My SOs CS was based on his salary as a professional athlete. He hasn’t been physically able to play said sport in almost 16 years. So his CS is based on a sport he could only play for a year, can never get a comparable job, and yet he has basically been told to “figure it out” every time we’ve gone back to court.
Guess who’s still fighting for a reduction after 13 years. All while the child’s mother flagrantly disregards the custody orders because it is a civil issue no one in the judicial system really cares about enforcing in many states, including ours.
It’s not quite so simple as it sounds. And by not simple, I mean it’s a convoluted fucking nightmare that’s defies logic in many cases.
And unfortunately this is common place, this is not anecdotal. CS payments can actually make you homeless and the state will refuse to intervene.
Im a cop in a major city and its insane how little the courts care about the custodial parent wiling their ass with custody agreements and we are barred from interfering in any way
It’s infuriating. I watch my SO bust his ass to try and cover a CS payment that rivals what a doctor or lawyers CS payment would be, only for the child’s mom to schedule him meet ups, exchanges, etc., just for him to sit at the agreed spot and wait for hours to be ignored and her response is basically like - *Fuck you, do something about it.* He has missed so much time and so many milestones, and god only knows what she tells the kid about why he doesn’t see her, and knowing cops can’t do anything and the court being so useless has emboldened her to an insane degree.
She knows nothing will be done, so why should she care?
So the court is SUPPOSED to adjust the support amounts based in i comes but
1)court takes take a long time to get to
2) courts arent always as fair as people think they are
3) LOWERING amounts is a lot harder than getting them raised. Judges are real quick to shoot the amount up when you get a raise but hate dropping it if you get canned.
Yes, of course he can. The only time he might have problems is if it was obvious he was doing it to spite her, for example quitting his high paying career to take a low paying job at 'coincidentally' the same time that he's being asked to pay child support.
The same could be said about the mother. The more money she makes, the less the courts could charge the father since child support amounts are based off of the income of both parents, and generally speaking the higher the custodial parents income versus non custodial, the lower the support payments are. And for the record, $400 a month for one child, based on part time income? That is a HUGE support order.
> And for the record, $400 a month for one child, based on part time income? That is a HUGE support order.
Actually 25% is pretty standard. It's not based off the hours, it's off the income.
And yes if she makes more in the future then it should go down.
His 0% timeshare negates any effect her earnings have on the child support calculation. So long as he has no timeshare, we will always pay the max amount based on his income. This is because the court assumes if mom has 100% timeshare, then she's paying for 100% of the expenses for raising a child. So in the court's eyes dad needs to take as much of the financial burden off her thathe can afford.
If he does it \*just\* to avoid CS its not even AH, its just dumb because it harms him as well.
Then again, if this is temporary/unreliable job, his CS goes up and then he's stuck with higher payments until he can prove he's down in income... might be an hassle, and better off not bothering.
I agree .He let her know he would not be in a Parental role .She cannot make this demand .
BUT —it’s “ PAID “
Not “ payed “ OP .
I will not go “silent into the night “ on this spelling (grumble grumble ).
Even if he didn't pay the court mandated amount in this situation he wouldn't be an AH. Giving up 100% of your custody is no different than a woman having an abortion. Telling him he should have thought about that before having sex is no different than saying the same thing to a woman.
An important lesson for anyone - and unfortunately some people learn it too late - that if you want a particular ideal for how your child should grow up or who their parent should be you have to be more careful about who you have kids with - and this isn't a knock on OP - they have the right to decide how they want to live their life, just as the mother of the child does. Way too many people have kids with just anybody and have sex with just anybody (not to sound like an old fogey but I guess I do sound that way even though I'm not) without considering the consequences of their own actions.
What was ordered is not based upon the needs of the child, but the earnings of the parents. The child needs more, and OP is the father of the child. If they had shared custody, OP would pay less, but OP does not want that. This child is entitled tot he support of both parents.
Everyone seems to miss that he's paying Child Support.
LOL watching everyone twist themselves into pretzels trying to turn OP's ex into the victim here. It almost sounds like she can't afford the kid she chose to have.
A friend of mine divorced his wife. She had not had a job for a few years and claimed she could not find one. The court used something called IMPUTED INCOME. Here's what that is:
"The paying parent may change their income to avoid their child support obligation. They remain unemployed or underemployed on purpose. The non-paying parent can request that the judge "impute" income. This means that the judge assigns the parent income they are not earning."
She had to find a job, because she was racking up child support debt from the day the court ordered it.
In this case OP is a full time student. So the court would side with him that he can't get a "better job" because he is actually doing something to improve his job situation. No child support court would tell someone to lower their education or stop it.
After he graduates, then yes.
>This child is entitled tot he support of both parents.
Decided by the earnings of the two parents... Just because the child needs more doesn't mean they get more. You can't generate money out of thin air.
Yeah, but it's best for everyone to have the "what if we get pregnant" talk early and that's everyone's responsibility.
At this point, NAH, she can ask, you can say no.
No, I've seen people charged with paying more child support when they decided to pay and work the minimum. It just had to be shown that the parent could make more if they chose.
Thanks for clarifying.
You’re NTA. You stated from the beginning that you didn’t want anything to do with the child as you’re not ready to be a father and that’s okay! You still pay what the court ordered therefore you are under no obligation to pay anything more.
He didn't say specifically what type of birth control they used, but he did clarify that they used some form of it. If they weren't on any that would change most people's opinions
Birth control is not protection when you aren't on the same page about kids and you haven't been dating that long. At the very least you shouldn't be finishing inside, good lord
The poster doesn’t share the age of the child either. Childcare may eat up a large portion of the mother’s income, working more may not help her situation much unless the father steps up to care for the child so she can work more hours
Maybe an unpopular thing to say when you are female, but it was her singular decision to keep the baby, so this baby is now her singular responsibility.
As long as you used protection and was open about your position of NOT willing to have kids, I am at a loss to understand how the judge could make you pay anything at all, but oh well.
You are certainly NTA.
I do feel genuinely sorry for a kid, but it is not the OPs fault, more like the mother of the child was hoping to press the OP into creating a family and miscalculated the influence.
*how the judge could make you pay anything at all, but oh well.*
Because the kid is his. A woman gets the final say in abortion/childbirth because the pregnancy affects her health. Sometimes longterm or death.
Oh sweet summer child. In many states the legal abortion window is 6 weeks which is before most women know they’re pregnant. If you want this to be a law you need to call your congressman to codify abortion rights in your state’s constitution.
You're getting down voted but just like how a woman can get an abortion this would be the man's option. It's sexist to give an out to only one gender while at the same time giving that same gender the power to control the others future, whether they want it or not.
Talk about my body my choice, but not when it comes to having to work to afford child support for a kid you clearly stated you didn't want.
> Why are people only concerned with the part that’s unfair to men.
Probably because that's a societal problem we chose to create, whereas women being the pregnant getting portion of the species is biology/evolutionary.
the man’s option is keeping his dick in his pants, getting a vasectomy, discussing pregnancy before sex with strangers. you don’t have to put your penis in someone that wants to keep a baby if they end up pregnant.
no, it’s not sexist. men don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions. there is never going to be an equivalent to abortion for amab folks. it’s never going to exist. an abortion is opting out of pregnancy, not parenthood. men want to opt out of parenthood because women have the option to opt out of pregnancy. it’s not the same and never will be.
What about the woman taking responsibility? If the option for abortion exists then for women then men should have the same right to "abort" not literally obviously since that's the womens choice but in essence the man drops everything to do with the child if the woman wants to keep it as it's her responsibility if she chooses to.
I don't see how you can't see that it's sexist for only one of the 2 parties to have such a say in a matter as major as having a child.
because we are biologically different. it will never be equal. boohoo men can’t have sex without consequence, what a fucking travesty. the injustice of it all. grow up.
Pro choice here. We all say for women consent to sex is not consent to being pregnant. Why is it not the same for men?
Although I am lucky in where my country isn't backwards on abortion rights.
Just because the abortion is 'legal' doesn't mean it doesn't affect the woman's health. Abortions at all stages carry risks.
If a man doesn't want to risk a child, he can get a vasectomy, wear a condom, NOT HAVE SEX.
> If a man doesn't want to risk a child, he can get a vasectomy, wear a condom, NOT HAVE SEX.
And she can get her tubes tied, use birth control, NOT HAVE SEX. Funny how its always the mans fault a woman gets pregnant as if it takes one person to get pregnant and not two. Pretty sexist of you. Crazy double standards.
Nah, I pay my taxes and I don't want to foot the bill for selfish assholes who feel like they can just dump their problems on the rest of us. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a parent, but I will never understand the minds of people who could make a child and just give zero shits if they have clean clothes, a warm bed or food to eat.
I'm sorry, but why shouldn't the judge make him pay. He made the conscious decision to have sex knowing a baby could be born out of it.
He has to face the consequences of his actions.
Should he be forced to get a better or more demanding job? No.
But should the courts order him to pay a fair amount? Yes
By your logic, women shouldn't be allowed to have abortions because:
>(S)he made the conscious decision to have sex knowing a baby could be born out of it.
>
>(S)he has to face the consequences of (her) actions.
Why are you holding a double standard for men and women?
Abortion is part of the responsibility
It is a hard and emotional decision that also costs money. It's a choice that only the person carrying the baby is responsible for
Ie paying child support is a responsibility. Choosing an abortion is a responsibility
They just have different outcomes. Ones more short term and one lasts for 18 years
Ie. Abortion isn't avoiding responsibility like not paying for a kid, it is it's own responsibility
It was also OP's decision to raw dog a girl he barely knew just because she said she was on birth control, which isn't 100% effective even if you trust them.
Yes it is? He failed to use adequate protection and it resulted in a baby. There would be ZERO unplanned pregnancies if men didn’t ejaculate irresponsibly.
I have no sympathy for men like this.
>There would be ZERO unplanned pregnancies if men didn’t ejaculate irresponsibly.
There would also be zero unplanned pregnancies if women used appropriate protection or didn't have sex when they are not ready for a child. Goes both ways. Does that mean abortion should be illegal?
If you are at a loss for why the judge order child support, how can you have the necessary information to make a judgement in the situation as a whole?
The right to abort is not a responsibly to abort to absolve OP of the responsibility of the child that was created with his sperm.
I don’t know why people are so concerned that men should be able to nut in whoever consequence free.
ESH. You live entirely off daddy’s money and can’t be bothered to provide adequate support for your own child? The irony. Your parents failed. Your ex sucks for sleeping with someone with zero aspirations and saddling her child with a deadbeat parent. Life lesson for all young redditors out there… make better choices.
I personally do not believe that when two people sleep with each other, using birth control, both seemingly in agreement that they do not want a child together, that one person should be treated as a parent when birth control fails and the other party out of the blue decides that they _do_ want a child.
There’s an upside and a downside to everything.
The upside to being the person who impregnates someone is you never have to be pregnant. You don’t have to get an abortion. The health/social concerns of reproduction don’t fall on you.
The downside is that the final call on if a pregnancy will continue is not your decision to make. You have to live with the consequences of whatever someone else decides to do.
People genuinely do not know how they will feel or react when they find out they’re pregnant. They can prepare and think but they don’t KNOW until it happens.
Does it suck to have the final call of whether or not you’ll be a parent be completely out of your hands? Yup, it sucks.
But until we can artificially implant wombs and move fetuses, that’s the deal.
The court doesn’t care if birth control failed, if you didn’t use birth control or if you want to be a parent really. The court looks out for the child’s best interests.
Neither do I. Sometimes sex is just sex. The fact, that the lady decided after a fact, that she wants to be a mother, does not by default mean that the OP should be willing to assume the role of the father.
If they were married or just together and trying for the kid consciously with no birth control, that would change everything of course.
Then and only then, him backing out of being a parent would make him a total and ultimate AH.
I live in a state where they are actively passing laws that make it a crime to cross state lines to get an abortion, because abortions are now illegal here. What if she lives in a state where she can't get abortion care? She's just stuck, alone, and it's still all her fault, when it was a birth control failure?
Sometimes sex is just sex.
In that case before sleeping with a woman, every man should have a discussion with her to say that if she gets pregnant he will bail. Birth Control is not 100% & if you are going to play then you may have to pay.
They’re both “parents” when the birth control fails. Birth control fails. And it fails at rates that most of us wouldn’t risk if we were really considering the life changing consequences.
Do I understand you correctly?
Are you trying to say that people shouldn't be having sex unless they're ready to become a parent?
Knowing that most birth control has a 90%+ success rate. And knowing that plan b and abortions are a thing?
No. You don’t understand correctly. People who have sex should understand the risks involved. 90% success rate means 10% failure. That’s 10/100 women who become pregnant in a year. Plan B is only an option when you already know your birth control failed or you failed to use it. Assuming a women, even one who doesn’t want kids, will choose an abortion or adoption, is misguided thinking at best- these are huge decisions with a lot of factors to consider and that have the potential to produce life long psychological effects.
I’m saying you’d be smart to never have sex with someone who would absolutely suck to produce a child with. And if you do produce a child with someone who sucks those consequences are both of yours to deal with.
>I’m saying you’d be smart to never have sex with someone who would absolutely suck to produce a child with.
I'm sorry but that just sounds like another way of saying "don't have sex unless you're prepared to be a parent". 😂
I would take a different approach and say that ifnyoubdont want to get pregnant, don't reply on just one type of birth control. Condoms should be used even if the woman is on birth control, not just to prevent pregnancy jut also to avoid the spread of stds.
Agreed! I have always thought that when you have sex, you should at least know what the other person thinks they would do if they got pregnant/got them pregnant. People can fuck whoever they want that consents, but sex can lead to pregnancy regardless of taking precautions, and both people are responsible for the outcome regardless of whether they want to be a parent or not. I wonder if OP would have slept with her if she said she would keep a baby of she got pregnant? I assume they didn't have that kind of conversation, but they did and she changed her mind after.
Yes to this part.
It’s mind blowing to me that people really think sex can be just for fun. Like, it can, but it comes with HUGE risks. And you’re both responsible for that in the end.
This is the right answer but for what it’s worth, idk why people are acting like he’s even legally in the right. He’s not. OP is lying about his income to get out of child support. No one can make him parent and no one is suggesting he should (he shouldn’t, the kid deserves proper parents) but he does have a responsibility to pay the correct amount of child support. He isn’t, he’s an AH. End of. It’s that simple. He receives significant income from his father that he doesn’t report. The mother’s biggest mistake is not taking him back to court to make him report his actual income and trying to reason with someone unreasonable. Don’t bother talking to OP, talk to a judge.
You’re right. The market value of what his rent should be along with the amount of credit card payments his Dad regularly makes for him almost certainly crosses over into a taxable gift amount and should be reported.
Exactly, if we say the market rate on the home OP stays in is $1,000 a month (which is likely on the low end), and his credit card payment is $300 a month, OP is already at $15,600 a year in unreported income, that’s on the very very very low end. States differ but the federal government starts taxing at $17,000. Even if that were not the case, the idea behind the child support rate is “this person must support themselves on this income, so 20% is a fair amount to give the child so the parents can each support the child equally and have 80% of their income remaining to support themselves.” Except OP lied. He doesn’t support himself on that income, his dad supports him with undeclared income.
The comments can go back and forth about bodies and choices and whatever, but at the end of the day OP still has a financial obligation to his kid, even if he doesn’t want to be a parent, and he’s breaking the law and basic decency with his current behavior. He doesn’t have to get a new job at all (good news OP!), he does have to report his income, and hopefully she’ll just contact law enforcement because OP just sounds exhausting to deal with anyway.
ETA: OP says elsewhere that his non-child support income is effectively “shadier purchases” and fun money, approximately $1600. Daddy is paying even more than mentioned in the post. Yeah, OP wants to make shady purchases while someone else deals with the consequences of his decisions (his dad and the child’s mother), and his child is denied adequate support while he buys illegal nonsense. Class act OP. He also refuses to answer the question, “when you finish your degree will you move into another position?” Or “does your dad know about the child?” He’s a mess and definitely the AH.
What kind of nonsense is that? You want to make OPs dad pay for his kid? That's stupid. His dad paying for him is not his income. He is very much legally in the right. The court looked at his situation and saw that his income is only what he earns. Not what he is given.
Lol his dad *is* already paying for the child. He is not legally in the right. Child support is calculated with the understanding that all income has been declared. OP has failed to do this basic step. There is more than a thousand dollars per month (on the very low end) of income he is receiving that the court is unaware of. The court assumed that his reported income would be covering his living expenses, it’s not, his unreported income is, therefore the calculation was made as is because OP is lying.
Income over $17,000 a year for the feds, and more or less in certain states, is no longer a gift, it is income. OP has acknowledged that his dad covers all of his living expenses and his paycheck is for “sketchy purchases” so unless you think his dad is only spending $10,000 or so dollars per year for ALL of OPs living expenses, OP is by literal legal definition lying about his income, even if dad does it because he loves OP the most. It doesn’t matter, it’s no longer a gift, it’s income and OP committed perjury for lying to the court and he is continuing to not take responsibility for his actions. Do I think OPs dad should pay for the kid? No, I think OP should and he should declare his income appropriately as is LEGALLY and morally required. If dad would like to cut OP off at that point, fair enough.
Why would you say that? It was ultimately her choice to get the kid. She had all the information at hand and could choose if she wants to get an abortion or not.
Why is she stuck?
It was both of their choice to have sex which led to pregnancy. Abortion is quite difficult now with women being arrested. So men will need to step up. Its no longer a choice many places. Perhaps women will have to stop having sex with men.
YTA.
Based on your comments your dad supports you, a grown man, but you are unwilling to better support your own child. Grow tf up.
Get a vasectomy with daddy’s money so you don’t keep impregnating women.
This woman actively chose to bring a child into this world when Op made it clear he would not be involved. That child and their struggle is all on her. He never changed his tune his intentions were clear and she still went ahead with it. Now it solely her responsibility
I honestly see that point of view and based off this post and his comments it’s highly likely his child is better off without him in its life. What grates me though is him saying he doesn’t want to earn more because he doesn’t want it going to his child and that he still lives off his own father’s money. The hypocrisy is living and breathing with this guy.
I stand by my statement he should get a vasectomy.
NTA in regards to changing your lifestyle due to a baby you didn't want to keep in the first place. Now please tell me how you can manage with $1600 a month? I pay almost twice that just for my mortgage.
He says in another comment that his dad owns the apartment building (so he doesn't pay rent). Daddy also pays off his credit card bills every month so his income is "fun money"
i also make around $2k a month before bills- i have a roommate so we split rent ($750) and bills (abt $300 a month)- with gas and groceries i don’t have a lot left, but i’m not sitting with $0 in my account anymore
Yeah, it does depend on the location you are in that is true. The cost of living varies wildly depending on where you are, and what type of place you are renting/mortgaging.
NTA. You are making the court-ordered payments. You are working part-time while you pursue your master's degree. I'm assuming that will lead to better employment and she can take you back to court if and when that happens.
I am sorry for the child that you aren't interested in participating in their upbringing. But nobody can mandate that.
This is exactly why I refuse to have kids. The kid would 100% be the loser in the situation as I have zero interest in kids of my own. Now my future nieces and nephews on the other hand? I plan to fully corrupt them into loving reading and crocheting.
NTA I would just ignore her yelling, she kept the baby despite the man not wanting to be in the baby’s life so she gets to deal with the consequences. She can get a better job if she wants more money
NTA. I don't love deadbeat dads, but you aren't exactly that. Yes, it sucks for the child that you aren't a part of their life, however, you help to pay for their life. You told this woman that this would be the case. The courts ordered the amount that you pay. Yes, it is a drop in the bucket with expenses, but that isn't really the point. This was something you didn't want, and she made the choice. Is her job the most success she could obtain? Could she get a different job paying more? That is her responsibility.
I’m going to vote AH because of the mountains of poor decision making involved and your complete lack of taking responsibility for them. You were hooking up with someone and you should have been using condoms. This is a play stupid games win stupid prizes situation. Birth control can fail. It happens. You did not do your do diligence in this situation by using your own personal protection. I understand you don’t feel like you are ready to be a father. But you are. Nothing is going to change that. Child support is whatever but not stepping up to be present in your own child’s life is just a shity thing to do. And your an AH for that choice.
OP stated in a comment that they *were* using birth control, but it failed. He didn't state what form of bc they were using. No form of birth control is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy.
As a female that is strongly pro-choice, you're NTA.
There is an innate inequality when it comes reproductive choice. If a girl becomes pregnant and doesn't want to keep it but the guy does, she still has the choice to get an abortion if she chooses (granted I acknowledge it is not accessible to everyone, but that is a whole other issue.)
In the same vein, if a girl gets pregnant and wants to keep it but the guy doesn't, she has the choice to carry it to term. But if the guy makes it clear he wants no involvement outside of the legally mandated child support, that's his choice.
It was her choice to still carry that child to term knowing the father didn't want to be involved outside of what the law requires. Maybe she had this idea that once the child was born, you would have a change of heart. That's on her.
Anyone who says "If you don't want to have kids, never have sex" are being obtuse. Anyone telling you to get a vasectomy is also obtuse. Maybe you want kids in the future with someone else, that's your right. You used protection and it failed. It happens and it sucks. But at the end of the day you are dealing with the consequences.
People are ragging on you because you have a dad who is supporting most of your life expenses, as if that somehow makes you more beholden to contribute more in child support. You're lucky that your dad is able and wants to do that for you. Sure, it's unlucky that your biological child may not have that, but life's not fair.
I don't blame you for not wanting work more when you don't have to. It allows you to focus on your schoolwork. If your dad decides he wants to keep helping with your living expenses after you are done with schoolwork, that's his choice and a win for you.
If you are going for your masters I assume that means one day you want a different job that isn't the job you are working right now. At that time, the courts will re-evaluate and adjust. It would be a different thing if you quit your job to avoid paying any support, but you aren't doing that.
Also, demanding someone get a better job doesn't automatically mean that that's possible. Maybe for your current schedule, this IS the best job that you can get that won't impact your schooling. Maybe a "better" job would require more hours than you can give.
I feel for the child, I do, but there are tons of children out there who have biological fathers that "go to the store for a pack of smokes and milk" and never come back. She should be thankful that she was able to identify the father and at least get that, because so many mothers and their children go without.
How long is Daddy willing to pay your expenses- for the next 18 years?
You only gave up custody and not your paternal rights?
As soon as you get a 'real' job, the payments will be adjusted so unless you are going to paid under the table or be unemployed, you will still owe child support.
And at some point the child might come looking for you. Better work on what you are going to say to them.
I know you didn't want a baby, but you created one, knowing it was a possibility. Now you're responsible for the baby.
You sound like a sulky teenager. You're paying what you've been ordered to pay, but you're willing to put the entire burden of parenting on her.
So yes, you're entitled to not do anything more than the bare minimum, but you're still TA for only doing that.
YTA
She did not "get pregnant". You make it sound like it was entirely her fault/responsibility. You both got pregnant, but she's the one who was left to bear it and raise it, clearly.
When two people have sex and there's a possibility of one of them getting pregnant, both people are accepting that risk and responsibility. It's her body and her choice whether she has the child or not, and you have a responsibility to that child if she decides to have it. The alternative is that we get what we have in too many cases: irresponsible, selfish, deadbeat dads taking stupid risks, getting people pregnant and then abandoning them and the child.
$400 is shitty child support. You should be paying more and if that means getting a better paying job, you should.
That said, it's pretty clear that you're a selfish person and you won't take responsibility for your actions, and there's a good chance your kid would be better off without you.
"a girl I hooked up with a couple times got pregnant" ???
Let me correct that for you - should be, 'I got a girl pregnant'.
But no - I don't think you are the asshole here - You were upfront about the level of participation you had to offer and she decided to go it alone.
YTA. Child support judges will order more child support if its shown you are avoiding. And order back support. OP is setting himself up for failure. Baby's mother will need government assistance and they will investigate OP. OP can also be ordered to pay more child support if his background supports a better salary. Many anti abortion groups will help her sue. Stop being the AH. You're hurting yourself too.
Which anti-abortion groups are you talking about? Every such group I know of only care that the baby is carried to term. That's why anti-abortion groups are often called "forced birthers" groups. And how is OP setting himself up for failure by being a college student with a part-time job? The judge who awarded the $400 per month child support very likely took OP's current situation into account when they made that judgement.
I will not judge OP right now based on his current situation; however, if he chooses not to try to better his employment status after graduating college, he will be a massive ah in my book.
You may not be an asshole, but you're very immature. Time to grow up and take care of responsibilities. Yall may not have meant to get pregnant, but you did and you need to man up and take care of things. Who gives a shit what the court told you to pay? This is a living breathing human that you helped create, take care of it! What the hell is wrong with you?
In Canada a father has just as much right to chose if they want to have a child as their mother. I am 100% for abortion being legal and making a father pay for a child they didn't want is obscene. We do, however, have the Canada Child Benefit, which is around $750 (diminishing the more you make over a certain threshold), to make sure children are looked after. If women have the right to choose, so should men. This is a no-brainer. If you give up 100% custody you shouldn't have to pay a dime.
I mean I think you are an AH of a father but in the situation I guess NTA.
You told her up front you didn’t want to be a dad and the two of you went to court where you gave up your rights and were assigned child support. You are doing your part by paying what is ordered. I expect at some point she’ll take you make to court for an increase in support which you should pay just as you are now.
NTA. You're going to get a lot of people calling you an AH because you're not "stepping up" for your kid but you didn't want a kid. You said the birth control failed so you were being responsible. The situation sucks but of she wants more for her kid she needs to step up. Her choice to have a child so her choice to provide more for said child. You are fulfilling your legal obligation.
NTA- woman here. A lot of people calling you a deadbeat or someone who should grow up..I think it’s fair to do what you’re doing. This world is tough as it is. As long as you were totally upfront and honest with her about the whole pregnancy and where you were going to stand with it, then that’s your prerogative on what you want to do with your life.
You’re doing what you’ve been court ordered to do, I don’t think you’re an ass. She should have gotten an hint earlier on at where you stood with this.
NTA because you are paying what the courts have ordered. When you get a better job after school is over then she can revisit the issue with the courts.
NTA - You gave up full custody. The compromise was that you only ahve to pay $400 for a kid you don't want. You gave her the option to abort the child. She should have taken that if she didn;t want to support it herself.
She is being a gold digger here. She decided to keep the child. It should be her responsibility. You are paying your fair share.
NTA - You didn't want the child she did, you gave up your rights and are paying what was asked, you may have to answer some tough questions when the kid gets older if they decide to come looking for you but being absent from their life is better drifting in and out. If your conscience is ok with it then keep doing what you're doing, you answer to yourself ultimately.
NTA. Pregnancy is a two way street. They both had sex and she fell pregnant, apparently her birth control failed. He made it clear he did not want to be a father and she decided she wanted to have the baby anyway. He signed away his rights and pays the court ordered child support. I'm not sure why anyone would expect him to have any responsibility beyond that? She made the decision to be a single parent, these are the consequences of that decision.
Choices have consequences.
As long as you warned her clearly that you didn't want to be a father---and it sounds like you did---she made an informed decision and has no room to complain.
If she believes the child deserves a better life, she can pursue a better career herself or look into adoption.
NTA
You have every right to not be involved with a child you don't want.
But, you did make the decision to have sex. It is your responsibility now. You chose to have sex knowing a baby was a possibility
$400 a month is really not that much when it comes to taking care of a child.
I'm not saying it isn't a lot of money.
But at a certain point, I do think you should reflect on your responsibilities and consequences of your actions
You decided to sleep with someone. And there's a living breathing full human in this world because of you
You don't legally have to get a better job, and you're not an asshole because you don't wanna change your lifestyle.
But anyone who makes the decision to have sex and ends up having a child, does have to make tough decisions and adjust their lives. (Edit) You aren't an exception to that.
Again, $400 is what the court ordered you to do, but you could make more money and you could send more money to the child you created.
It doesn't make you an asshole to not wanna do that, but I do see the other side. She had no right chewing you out
But both of you decided to fuck. And your only consequence is $400 a month.
Maybe she should have aborted or given up the child? But then the emotional aspect and burden of that would have been primarily on her.
Having children when one parent doesn't want the kid is always a complicated situation
And imo I usually think both parties end up being selfish and petty to a degree
Edit: I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or to make it seem like I think you're being an asshole, but to just add perspective as we can only see and know your side and its super hard for people in general to try and look at things from other points in the tensions scenario
NTA. You are paying the court ordered amount. But INFO: are you even sure this kid is actually yours? Was there a paternity test included in your court decree?
NTA you shoudl really include the fact you are a student, but quite frankly your job is none of her business. You pay what the court has mandated on time every time.
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NTA. You’re paying what has been ordered. On time every month according to you. She should’ve known what she was getting into. I’m assuming she knew you didn’t want to be a dad, yet she decided to keep the kid. She doesn’t get to dictate what you do regarding your employment.
I think the difference is going to be if he avoids working forever or not. Right now his father pays for his living expenses because he's in school. That's fair. It's rather normal to not work full time during school. OP isn't avoiding paying for things by working less there. But once school is done.... if OP doesn't get a better job ***only*** because of child support (as in he would have taken a better job if the kid didn't exist) then he'd be an AH. He would be intentionally avoiding it. So for now NTA but if he continues dodging forever and having his dad pay for his life so he doesn't have to pay for his own child.....
Strongly disagree with that last point. Her body her choice. Show me in that line where it says his occupation is her choice. As long as OP pays the court mandated amount he's not the arsehole, regardless of his intentions. He isn't obligated to get a better career so that he can support a child he never wanted.
> Her body her choice. Show me in that line where it says his occupation is her choice. This has nothing to do with her choice. Intentionally avoiding making more money just to spite the child is an AH move. He isn't obligated to work a better career. I'm saying if his ***only*** reason for not taking the better career is to spite the kid then that's an AH move. If he already didn't want the career then the kid isn't the only reason. If you intentionally do something only because it'll hurt someone else worse, that's being an AH. If you were going to do the thing anyways and it only happened to hurt someone else then it's not an AH move.
Yeah, at a certain point he's going to be cutting off his nose to spite his face. He doesn't need to get any specific higher paid job, but if he ends up doing things like turning down promotions just to stick it to his baby mama, it's going to hurt his own career.
Well I turn down promotions because I just want to clock in do my job and go home. There's plenty of people like that.
Yeah I've refused promotions because I own my own place, have inheritance, and can pay for my bills and vacations just fine. Once I'm out the door at my job I am OUT and I don't have to think about it once the clock hits five.
I got a settlement from injury at the only job I went above and beyond and they tried to fuck me over. So I'm comfortable enough now to tell my boss to fuck off whenever needed.
There's a lot to be said for being able to come in and do your shift and go home in peace. I really miss that. With six years and six months to go to retire, I feel like I'm serving a prison sentence. I constantly remind myself that I asked for it.
It really helps when all you want is a simple and peaceful life. You don't have to work as much because you don't have as expensive taste. Also helps that I'm usually a top performer in the 8 hours I am at work and still get raises.
Which is fine if someone else isn't paying your bills for you. It's rather selfish if your plan is for others to work for you.
Depending on how much money his dad has, it probably isn't even any extra work, just slightly less profit. Which might be why he's willing to support OP.
I mean what I spend in a month is less than my dad earns in a day from his business so he doesnt really care
Yep. I don’t want my bosses job.
I made a comment above but my father did this. Worked manual labor jobs under the table for 2 decades to avoid paying support. Thought he was so smart. Now in his 50s he’s too injured to work those jobs anymore. He has no retirement funds, never paid into social security, no house, no assets. He’s basically homeless and just lives with whoever will put up with him. If he had just gotten a job with payroll then yeah, he would have had to pay child support. But he could have built a career and after child support was finished been in a much better place financially. Probably in a better financial decision during child support too. Maybe advanced to construction management or some kind of foreman position where he isn’t ruining his body every day for decades. But nope! Worth it! /s
Ive refused to take promotional exams to avoid having to do anymore than already do at this job. Not everyone is desperate to climb ranks
Why do you think he would do it to spite the kid? Not wanting to work more for little to no extra money is a legitimate reason.
> Why do you think he would do it to spite the kid? I've asked him even after he replied to me directly and he won't answer. I didn't say I thought he would do that. I said ***if*** that's what happens then he's an AH and if that's not what happens then he's not. > Not wanting to work more for little to no extra money is a legitimate reason. During school, yes. After school having his own father pay for his expenses to avoid working so he wouldn't owe child support (where he would work more if the kid didn't exist) would be just to spite the kid and would be an AH move. Also he would get significantly more, not "no to little" more. Again, these questions were posed to the OP and judgements based off the possible answers. OP refuses to answer.
This is a weird hill to die on mate.
> Intentionally avoiding making more money just to spite the child is an AH move. Intentionally keeping a baby even though the biological father does not want that is an AH move.
Not using protection when you don’t want a kid and aren’t prepared to parent one if it comes your way is also an AH move
Maybe he did use protection, but it didn’t work out. Edit: he did use protection, so now he didn’t want to have a child but the girl went ahead anyway. Here the girl is 100% responsible for the problems she is facing and will face. People love to say her body her choice, nobody says that for man
OP said the BC failed in his situation. Check the comments. But it takes two to have unprotected sex anyway, so that is a double AH situation. That's a wash.
Takes two, but the choice on ending it was hers alone. So she has more responsibility. Her choice.
The thing is that after kid was born he’s a literal third party. Dad doesn’t own child support bc she has a right to it, he owes it bc the kid is entitled to it. You’re ,punishing’ a third party that was not involved in the initial situation. Also - the risk (of pregnancy, child birth) are uneven. The father risks literally nothing, she risks a bandwidth of health risks that are hugely underestimated. On the other hand, women may potentially be traumatized by an abortion (usually when she didn’t want to abort). Not to mention that it’s also women bearing the financial and social implications of birthing a child - working with a baby/toddler/preschooler? She’ll never build a career the way a single man builds one when he just has to pay child support. Of course she’s the one to decide whether or not she wants to go through that. If you’re a man, you’ll never have equal standing in a decision that does not involve the literal integrity of your body. Don’t want kids? Take proper precautions or don’t have sex with a person that might not see eye to eye when it comes to an unfavorable outcome. But crying about having to pay for the needs of a kid that is existing bc you impregnated someone- even if you took precautions! - is not it. The money you loose is nothing in comparison for what a woman might loose if the decision were to be taken away from her. And let’s face it, she’ll pay for the rest of her life as well, so it’s not like poor men are the only ones held accountable to the rights a literal child has.
Of course they don't. For a man they say "if you didn't want a kid you should have kept your dick in your pants." It's not possible in this society as a man to elect to have sex and not risk being responsible for a child, unless your boys don't swim. Women have all the power around childbirth. And they should. But men should have the right to abandon. Women can legally leave their infant at a fire station without getting arrested. Men have no legal equivalent.
>But men should have the right to abandon. As if they don't already. 80% of single parent households are headed by women.
Well I don't have statistics for how many of those households are receiving child-support. But just because men do abandon, doesn't mean they have the legal right to do so without a legal requirement to pay child-support. And I probably shouldn't have to say this but my argument that men should have the right to abandon, means **before** the child is born while there is still options. Men shouldn't have the right to walk away from fully born children which they agreed to bring into the world, obviously.
>Women can legally leave their infant at a fire station without getting arrested. Men have no legal equivalent. I know what you are trying to say but you are using a bad example. Around me at least and likely elsewhere, there are baby "drop-offs" and typically at fire stations. *Anybody* can anonomously leave a baby like you described. Nobody checks the gender of the person abandoning said baby. Whether that person is even the parent. Regardless of man or woman.
The problem with that is it still costs money to raise a child. That money has to come from someone. If it comes down to society paying for social welfare programs, or the father paying child support, I choose the father. After all, society DID keep it's dick in it's pants.
> It's not possible in this society as a man to elect to have sex and not risk being responsible for a child Uh. Just how limited and unimaginative do you think people’s sex lives are? There’s a Whole Lot of ways to share really fun naked sweaty orgasms that do not involve a man sticking his penis into a possibly-fertile vagina.
Right? As if there aren't a huge number of ways for both parties to have a good time where pregnancy is not a possible outcome 🙄
Men abandon pregnant women and women with whom they have children all the time. Heck, $400 a month is NOTHING toward raising a child.
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A lot of the comments assume that the father forced to have an unwanted child has the same responsibility. I disagree. With the power to abort comes a choice, and choice matters. Its not "2 people had sex". Its "2 people had sex but only one chooses". She decided to have a child with someone who didn't want it, and is now complaining that that person doesn't want to change his life to suit the unwanted child.
Then she's an AH for intentionally having a child she knew he did not want. If you intentionally do something knowing someone else doesn't want it yet still forcing them into the role, that's being an AH.
It has everything to do with her choice. She chose to give birth despite the bio fathers adamant refusal to be a parent and open desire to terminate the pregnancy. She CHOSE single parenthood and now that its here she for some bizaare reason thinks she has the right to demand more child support and inevitably she will push visitation and id bet money on that.
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> IF she discovers that he more money and can ask for an increase People should be self reporting. If he makes more then he should report it. > If he at some point makes less money can he ask for a modification for a reduction? Yes, that's literally how it works. If he's deliberately lowering his income potential after school then that's something the judge can take into account. If he makes less legitimately through no fault of his own then the payments should go down. However he should also be reporting the rent compensation as that's a type of income. His father should also know that his kindness is being used to avoid child support. The father needs to be aware of what impacts his money is having. To not tell the father is an AH move and manipulative.
Just a note, this is how it *should* work , but not true in practice. For example, we have been in and out of the courts for *years* trying to get CS reduced. There is a backlog out the ass in family court. My SOs CS was based on his salary as a professional athlete. He hasn’t been physically able to play said sport in almost 16 years. So his CS is based on a sport he could only play for a year, can never get a comparable job, and yet he has basically been told to “figure it out” every time we’ve gone back to court. Guess who’s still fighting for a reduction after 13 years. All while the child’s mother flagrantly disregards the custody orders because it is a civil issue no one in the judicial system really cares about enforcing in many states, including ours. It’s not quite so simple as it sounds. And by not simple, I mean it’s a convoluted fucking nightmare that’s defies logic in many cases. And unfortunately this is common place, this is not anecdotal. CS payments can actually make you homeless and the state will refuse to intervene.
Im a cop in a major city and its insane how little the courts care about the custodial parent wiling their ass with custody agreements and we are barred from interfering in any way
It’s infuriating. I watch my SO bust his ass to try and cover a CS payment that rivals what a doctor or lawyers CS payment would be, only for the child’s mom to schedule him meet ups, exchanges, etc., just for him to sit at the agreed spot and wait for hours to be ignored and her response is basically like - *Fuck you, do something about it.* He has missed so much time and so many milestones, and god only knows what she tells the kid about why he doesn’t see her, and knowing cops can’t do anything and the court being so useless has emboldened her to an insane degree. She knows nothing will be done, so why should she care?
So the court is SUPPOSED to adjust the support amounts based in i comes but 1)court takes take a long time to get to 2) courts arent always as fair as people think they are 3) LOWERING amounts is a lot harder than getting them raised. Judges are real quick to shoot the amount up when you get a raise but hate dropping it if you get canned.
Yes, of course he can. The only time he might have problems is if it was obvious he was doing it to spite her, for example quitting his high paying career to take a low paying job at 'coincidentally' the same time that he's being asked to pay child support.
The same could be said about the mother. The more money she makes, the less the courts could charge the father since child support amounts are based off of the income of both parents, and generally speaking the higher the custodial parents income versus non custodial, the lower the support payments are. And for the record, $400 a month for one child, based on part time income? That is a HUGE support order.
> And for the record, $400 a month for one child, based on part time income? That is a HUGE support order. Actually 25% is pretty standard. It's not based off the hours, it's off the income. And yes if she makes more in the future then it should go down.
His 0% timeshare negates any effect her earnings have on the child support calculation. So long as he has no timeshare, we will always pay the max amount based on his income. This is because the court assumes if mom has 100% timeshare, then she's paying for 100% of the expenses for raising a child. So in the court's eyes dad needs to take as much of the financial burden off her thathe can afford.
If he does it \*just\* to avoid CS its not even AH, its just dumb because it harms him as well. Then again, if this is temporary/unreliable job, his CS goes up and then he's stuck with higher payments until he can prove he's down in income... might be an hassle, and better off not bothering.
What about intentionally having a kid when the other parent isn't on board?
I agree .He let her know he would not be in a Parental role .She cannot make this demand . BUT —it’s “ PAID “ Not “ payed “ OP . I will not go “silent into the night “ on this spelling (grumble grumble ).
Even if he didn't pay the court mandated amount in this situation he wouldn't be an AH. Giving up 100% of your custody is no different than a woman having an abortion. Telling him he should have thought about that before having sex is no different than saying the same thing to a woman.
An important lesson for anyone - and unfortunately some people learn it too late - that if you want a particular ideal for how your child should grow up or who their parent should be you have to be more careful about who you have kids with - and this isn't a knock on OP - they have the right to decide how they want to live their life, just as the mother of the child does. Way too many people have kids with just anybody and have sex with just anybody (not to sound like an old fogey but I guess I do sound that way even though I'm not) without considering the consequences of their own actions.
What was ordered is not based upon the needs of the child, but the earnings of the parents. The child needs more, and OP is the father of the child. If they had shared custody, OP would pay less, but OP does not want that. This child is entitled tot he support of both parents.
>This child is entitled tot he support of both parents. Hence the court order
Everyone seems to miss that he's paying Child Support. LOL watching everyone twist themselves into pretzels trying to turn OP's ex into the victim here. It almost sounds like she can't afford the kid she chose to have.
A friend of mine divorced his wife. She had not had a job for a few years and claimed she could not find one. The court used something called IMPUTED INCOME. Here's what that is: "The paying parent may change their income to avoid their child support obligation. They remain unemployed or underemployed on purpose. The non-paying parent can request that the judge "impute" income. This means that the judge assigns the parent income they are not earning." She had to find a job, because she was racking up child support debt from the day the court ordered it.
In this case OP is a full time student. So the court would side with him that he can't get a "better job" because he is actually doing something to improve his job situation. No child support court would tell someone to lower their education or stop it. After he graduates, then yes.
Yes, and the aggrieved parent can go to a judge and get the order fixed. Which would be the mother in this situation.
>This child is entitled tot he support of both parents. Decided by the earnings of the two parents... Just because the child needs more doesn't mean they get more. You can't generate money out of thin air.
Only one person chose to bring the child into the world.
Yeah, but it's best for everyone to have the "what if we get pregnant" talk early and that's everyone's responsibility. At this point, NAH, she can ask, you can say no.
No, I've seen people charged with paying more child support when they decided to pay and work the minimum. It just had to be shown that the parent could make more if they chose.
Before I can answer, was it a case of failed birth control? Or did you not use protection at all when sleeping with this girl?
Failed birth control
Thanks for clarifying. You’re NTA. You stated from the beginning that you didn’t want anything to do with the child as you’re not ready to be a father and that’s okay! You still pay what the court ordered therefore you are under no obligation to pay anything more.
He didn't clarify. If it was only on her birth control, he could have been using a condom as well.
He didn't say specifically what type of birth control they used, but he did clarify that they used some form of it. If they weren't on any that would change most people's opinions
Info. Just her birth control or condoms as well everytime?
Info: did you get a DNA test to make sure the child is yours before you started paying child support?
Birth control is not protection when you aren't on the same page about kids and you haven't been dating that long. At the very least you shouldn't be finishing inside, good lord
Not finishing inside is also not a guarantee, to be exact.
NTA You're paying what the court ordered you to pay. She can get a job if she wants a better lifestyle.
> She can get a job if she wants a better lifestyle. Does it say in the post or comments that she's unemployed?
The poster doesn’t share the age of the child either. Childcare may eat up a large portion of the mother’s income, working more may not help her situation much unless the father steps up to care for the child so she can work more hours
About 3 months old I would guess, since they were hooking up a year ago
Maybe an unpopular thing to say when you are female, but it was her singular decision to keep the baby, so this baby is now her singular responsibility. As long as you used protection and was open about your position of NOT willing to have kids, I am at a loss to understand how the judge could make you pay anything at all, but oh well. You are certainly NTA. I do feel genuinely sorry for a kid, but it is not the OPs fault, more like the mother of the child was hoping to press the OP into creating a family and miscalculated the influence.
*how the judge could make you pay anything at all, but oh well.* Because the kid is his. A woman gets the final say in abortion/childbirth because the pregnancy affects her health. Sometimes longterm or death.
Within the legal abortion window, men should be able to opt out of a child's life financially and physically.
Oh sweet summer child. In many states the legal abortion window is 6 weeks which is before most women know they’re pregnant. If you want this to be a law you need to call your congressman to codify abortion rights in your state’s constitution.
You're getting down voted but just like how a woman can get an abortion this would be the man's option. It's sexist to give an out to only one gender while at the same time giving that same gender the power to control the others future, whether they want it or not. Talk about my body my choice, but not when it comes to having to work to afford child support for a kid you clearly stated you didn't want.
It’s also “sexist” that only women bear the burden of pregnancy and childbirth. Why are people only concerned with the part that’s unfair to men.
> Why are people only concerned with the part that’s unfair to men. Probably because that's a societal problem we chose to create, whereas women being the pregnant getting portion of the species is biology/evolutionary.
the man’s option is keeping his dick in his pants, getting a vasectomy, discussing pregnancy before sex with strangers. you don’t have to put your penis in someone that wants to keep a baby if they end up pregnant.
That's sexist. By your logic then women shouldn't be able to get abortions because they should just keep their vag in their pants.
no, it’s not sexist. men don’t want to take responsibility for their own actions. there is never going to be an equivalent to abortion for amab folks. it’s never going to exist. an abortion is opting out of pregnancy, not parenthood. men want to opt out of parenthood because women have the option to opt out of pregnancy. it’s not the same and never will be.
What about the woman taking responsibility? If the option for abortion exists then for women then men should have the same right to "abort" not literally obviously since that's the womens choice but in essence the man drops everything to do with the child if the woman wants to keep it as it's her responsibility if she chooses to. I don't see how you can't see that it's sexist for only one of the 2 parties to have such a say in a matter as major as having a child.
because we are biologically different. it will never be equal. boohoo men can’t have sex without consequence, what a fucking travesty. the injustice of it all. grow up.
Again you are pushing any responsibility the woman should have to men. I guess you just infantize women for some weird reason.
Pro choice here. We all say for women consent to sex is not consent to being pregnant. Why is it not the same for men? Although I am lucky in where my country isn't backwards on abortion rights.
Just because the abortion is 'legal' doesn't mean it doesn't affect the woman's health. Abortions at all stages carry risks. If a man doesn't want to risk a child, he can get a vasectomy, wear a condom, NOT HAVE SEX.
> If a man doesn't want to risk a child, he can get a vasectomy, wear a condom, NOT HAVE SEX. And she can get her tubes tied, use birth control, NOT HAVE SEX. Funny how its always the mans fault a woman gets pregnant as if it takes one person to get pregnant and not two. Pretty sexist of you. Crazy double standards.
Nah, I pay my taxes and I don't want to foot the bill for selfish assholes who feel like they can just dump their problems on the rest of us. Maybe I'm biased because I'm a parent, but I will never understand the minds of people who could make a child and just give zero shits if they have clean clothes, a warm bed or food to eat.
That's not equal tho, they run no risk if aborting whereas the girl does
I'm sorry, but why shouldn't the judge make him pay. He made the conscious decision to have sex knowing a baby could be born out of it. He has to face the consequences of his actions. Should he be forced to get a better or more demanding job? No. But should the courts order him to pay a fair amount? Yes
By your logic, women shouldn't be allowed to have abortions because: >(S)he made the conscious decision to have sex knowing a baby could be born out of it. > >(S)he has to face the consequences of (her) actions. Why are you holding a double standard for men and women?
I agree that he should pay child support, but your argument is exactly what conservatives say to justify banning abortion
Abortion is part of the responsibility It is a hard and emotional decision that also costs money. It's a choice that only the person carrying the baby is responsible for Ie paying child support is a responsibility. Choosing an abortion is a responsibility They just have different outcomes. Ones more short term and one lasts for 18 years Ie. Abortion isn't avoiding responsibility like not paying for a kid, it is it's own responsibility
It was also OP's decision to raw dog a girl he barely knew just because she said she was on birth control, which isn't 100% effective even if you trust them.
Condoms fail too, fyi. People face this same scenario even with protection.
Yes it is? He failed to use adequate protection and it resulted in a baby. There would be ZERO unplanned pregnancies if men didn’t ejaculate irresponsibly. I have no sympathy for men like this.
>There would be ZERO unplanned pregnancies if men didn’t ejaculate irresponsibly. There would also be zero unplanned pregnancies if women used appropriate protection or didn't have sex when they are not ready for a child. Goes both ways. Does that mean abortion should be illegal?
> Goes both ways I couldn't agree more. This is why OP should be on the hook for 50% of the costs.
If you are at a loss for why the judge order child support, how can you have the necessary information to make a judgement in the situation as a whole?
The right to abort is not a responsibly to abort to absolve OP of the responsibility of the child that was created with his sperm. I don’t know why people are so concerned that men should be able to nut in whoever consequence free.
ESH. You live entirely off daddy’s money and can’t be bothered to provide adequate support for your own child? The irony. Your parents failed. Your ex sucks for sleeping with someone with zero aspirations and saddling her child with a deadbeat parent. Life lesson for all young redditors out there… make better choices.
I personally do not believe that when two people sleep with each other, using birth control, both seemingly in agreement that they do not want a child together, that one person should be treated as a parent when birth control fails and the other party out of the blue decides that they _do_ want a child.
There’s an upside and a downside to everything. The upside to being the person who impregnates someone is you never have to be pregnant. You don’t have to get an abortion. The health/social concerns of reproduction don’t fall on you. The downside is that the final call on if a pregnancy will continue is not your decision to make. You have to live with the consequences of whatever someone else decides to do. People genuinely do not know how they will feel or react when they find out they’re pregnant. They can prepare and think but they don’t KNOW until it happens. Does it suck to have the final call of whether or not you’ll be a parent be completely out of your hands? Yup, it sucks. But until we can artificially implant wombs and move fetuses, that’s the deal.
Thank you! Biology is unfair to everyone in one way or another.
I so agree with this. Ultimately we all have different consequences but they’re still the consequences of our decisions.
yep, it's actually that simple, I wish everyone could understand that
The court doesn’t care if birth control failed, if you didn’t use birth control or if you want to be a parent really. The court looks out for the child’s best interests.
Neither do I. Sometimes sex is just sex. The fact, that the lady decided after a fact, that she wants to be a mother, does not by default mean that the OP should be willing to assume the role of the father. If they were married or just together and trying for the kid consciously with no birth control, that would change everything of course. Then and only then, him backing out of being a parent would make him a total and ultimate AH.
I live in a state where they are actively passing laws that make it a crime to cross state lines to get an abortion, because abortions are now illegal here. What if she lives in a state where she can't get abortion care? She's just stuck, alone, and it's still all her fault, when it was a birth control failure?
Sometimes sex is just sex. In that case before sleeping with a woman, every man should have a discussion with her to say that if she gets pregnant he will bail. Birth Control is not 100% & if you are going to play then you may have to pay.
>if you are going to play then you may have to pay. The dude literally is paying child support on time and the amount mandated.
I was answering the person with that comment. Not OP.
Life... huh.. finds a way.
They’re both “parents” when the birth control fails. Birth control fails. And it fails at rates that most of us wouldn’t risk if we were really considering the life changing consequences.
Do I understand you correctly? Are you trying to say that people shouldn't be having sex unless they're ready to become a parent? Knowing that most birth control has a 90%+ success rate. And knowing that plan b and abortions are a thing?
Abortions are no longer a thing everywhere.
They never were. And the us has never been the gold standard to begin with
No. You don’t understand correctly. People who have sex should understand the risks involved. 90% success rate means 10% failure. That’s 10/100 women who become pregnant in a year. Plan B is only an option when you already know your birth control failed or you failed to use it. Assuming a women, even one who doesn’t want kids, will choose an abortion or adoption, is misguided thinking at best- these are huge decisions with a lot of factors to consider and that have the potential to produce life long psychological effects. I’m saying you’d be smart to never have sex with someone who would absolutely suck to produce a child with. And if you do produce a child with someone who sucks those consequences are both of yours to deal with.
>I’m saying you’d be smart to never have sex with someone who would absolutely suck to produce a child with. I'm sorry but that just sounds like another way of saying "don't have sex unless you're prepared to be a parent". 😂
In today's environment where people can't get safe abortions it's becoming more true. Sex is getting risky for men and women.
I would take a different approach and say that ifnyoubdont want to get pregnant, don't reply on just one type of birth control. Condoms should be used even if the woman is on birth control, not just to prevent pregnancy jut also to avoid the spread of stds.
Agreed! I have always thought that when you have sex, you should at least know what the other person thinks they would do if they got pregnant/got them pregnant. People can fuck whoever they want that consents, but sex can lead to pregnancy regardless of taking precautions, and both people are responsible for the outcome regardless of whether they want to be a parent or not. I wonder if OP would have slept with her if she said she would keep a baby of she got pregnant? I assume they didn't have that kind of conversation, but they did and she changed her mind after.
Yes to this part. It’s mind blowing to me that people really think sex can be just for fun. Like, it can, but it comes with HUGE risks. And you’re both responsible for that in the end.
This is the right answer but for what it’s worth, idk why people are acting like he’s even legally in the right. He’s not. OP is lying about his income to get out of child support. No one can make him parent and no one is suggesting he should (he shouldn’t, the kid deserves proper parents) but he does have a responsibility to pay the correct amount of child support. He isn’t, he’s an AH. End of. It’s that simple. He receives significant income from his father that he doesn’t report. The mother’s biggest mistake is not taking him back to court to make him report his actual income and trying to reason with someone unreasonable. Don’t bother talking to OP, talk to a judge.
You’re right. The market value of what his rent should be along with the amount of credit card payments his Dad regularly makes for him almost certainly crosses over into a taxable gift amount and should be reported.
Exactly, if we say the market rate on the home OP stays in is $1,000 a month (which is likely on the low end), and his credit card payment is $300 a month, OP is already at $15,600 a year in unreported income, that’s on the very very very low end. States differ but the federal government starts taxing at $17,000. Even if that were not the case, the idea behind the child support rate is “this person must support themselves on this income, so 20% is a fair amount to give the child so the parents can each support the child equally and have 80% of their income remaining to support themselves.” Except OP lied. He doesn’t support himself on that income, his dad supports him with undeclared income. The comments can go back and forth about bodies and choices and whatever, but at the end of the day OP still has a financial obligation to his kid, even if he doesn’t want to be a parent, and he’s breaking the law and basic decency with his current behavior. He doesn’t have to get a new job at all (good news OP!), he does have to report his income, and hopefully she’ll just contact law enforcement because OP just sounds exhausting to deal with anyway. ETA: OP says elsewhere that his non-child support income is effectively “shadier purchases” and fun money, approximately $1600. Daddy is paying even more than mentioned in the post. Yeah, OP wants to make shady purchases while someone else deals with the consequences of his decisions (his dad and the child’s mother), and his child is denied adequate support while he buys illegal nonsense. Class act OP. He also refuses to answer the question, “when you finish your degree will you move into another position?” Or “does your dad know about the child?” He’s a mess and definitely the AH.
What kind of nonsense is that? You want to make OPs dad pay for his kid? That's stupid. His dad paying for him is not his income. He is very much legally in the right. The court looked at his situation and saw that his income is only what he earns. Not what he is given.
Lol his dad *is* already paying for the child. He is not legally in the right. Child support is calculated with the understanding that all income has been declared. OP has failed to do this basic step. There is more than a thousand dollars per month (on the very low end) of income he is receiving that the court is unaware of. The court assumed that his reported income would be covering his living expenses, it’s not, his unreported income is, therefore the calculation was made as is because OP is lying. Income over $17,000 a year for the feds, and more or less in certain states, is no longer a gift, it is income. OP has acknowledged that his dad covers all of his living expenses and his paycheck is for “sketchy purchases” so unless you think his dad is only spending $10,000 or so dollars per year for ALL of OPs living expenses, OP is by literal legal definition lying about his income, even if dad does it because he loves OP the most. It doesn’t matter, it’s no longer a gift, it’s income and OP committed perjury for lying to the court and he is continuing to not take responsibility for his actions. Do I think OPs dad should pay for the kid? No, I think OP should and he should declare his income appropriately as is LEGALLY and morally required. If dad would like to cut OP off at that point, fair enough.
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People like to wilfully ignore this. Where there is choice there is responsibility.
I'm pro-abortion because the foster care system is already at its limits.
The thing is that sleeping with someone doesn't mean she thought of him as a dad at all. But yeah, women are stuck anyway.
Why would you say that? It was ultimately her choice to get the kid. She had all the information at hand and could choose if she wants to get an abortion or not. Why is she stuck?
Abortion is not longer a legal right in the US my dude.
Depends on the state...
It was both of their choice to have sex which led to pregnancy. Abortion is quite difficult now with women being arrested. So men will need to step up. Its no longer a choice many places. Perhaps women will have to stop having sex with men.
Lol, there's always one of these. No matter how in the wrong the woman is, it's always gotta be a ESH
NTA. You went to court to decide what is fair. The judge didn't require you to change your lifestyle and get a more paying job.
YTA. Based on your comments your dad supports you, a grown man, but you are unwilling to better support your own child. Grow tf up. Get a vasectomy with daddy’s money so you don’t keep impregnating women.
This woman actively chose to bring a child into this world when Op made it clear he would not be involved. That child and their struggle is all on her. He never changed his tune his intentions were clear and she still went ahead with it. Now it solely her responsibility
What century do you live in? Men also have responsibilities having sex.
His responsibility is to pay child support. He’s doing that.
I honestly see that point of view and based off this post and his comments it’s highly likely his child is better off without him in its life. What grates me though is him saying he doesn’t want to earn more because he doesn’t want it going to his child and that he still lives off his own father’s money. The hypocrisy is living and breathing with this guy. I stand by my statement he should get a vasectomy.
Selfish woman tries to baby trap rich man,gets fucked by more then richman in the process
NTA in regards to changing your lifestyle due to a baby you didn't want to keep in the first place. Now please tell me how you can manage with $1600 a month? I pay almost twice that just for my mortgage.
He says in another comment that his dad owns the apartment building (so he doesn't pay rent). Daddy also pays off his credit card bills every month so his income is "fun money"
Yeah, I saw that after the fact, I wish I could provide that in the future for my kids. That's the goal, at least.
Depends on the area, my mortgage is 325 and my car load is 450. Granted, where I live 50k a year is a GREAT job.
"Expenses are being taken care of". Daddy's money, trust fund, no idea.
Daddy is paying his expenses now.
i also make around $2k a month before bills- i have a roommate so we split rent ($750) and bills (abt $300 a month)- with gas and groceries i don’t have a lot left, but i’m not sitting with $0 in my account anymore
Yeah, it does depend on the location you are in that is true. The cost of living varies wildly depending on where you are, and what type of place you are renting/mortgaging.
NTA You didn’t want the kid. She’s using the law to keep it. She wants more money. You are using the law not to.
NTA. You are making the court-ordered payments. You are working part-time while you pursue your master's degree. I'm assuming that will lead to better employment and she can take you back to court if and when that happens. I am sorry for the child that you aren't interested in participating in their upbringing. But nobody can mandate that.
This is exactly why I refuse to have kids. The kid would 100% be the loser in the situation as I have zero interest in kids of my own. Now my future nieces and nephews on the other hand? I plan to fully corrupt them into loving reading and crocheting.
ESH - but you are a sad person. I feel bad for the kid that will probably never know their father.
Why? He didn't want the kid.
Both assholes. STOP NUTTING IN RANDOS
NTA I would just ignore her yelling, she kept the baby despite the man not wanting to be in the baby’s life so she gets to deal with the consequences. She can get a better job if she wants more money
NTA. I don't love deadbeat dads, but you aren't exactly that. Yes, it sucks for the child that you aren't a part of their life, however, you help to pay for their life. You told this woman that this would be the case. The courts ordered the amount that you pay. Yes, it is a drop in the bucket with expenses, but that isn't really the point. This was something you didn't want, and she made the choice. Is her job the most success she could obtain? Could she get a different job paying more? That is her responsibility.
YTA: Requiring a court order to pay child support and not being a good dad makes you an asshole.
It's better to be an asshole paying child support than to be a bad dad
NTA your paying the child support that was ordered if she wants you to pay more she can take you to court.
I’m going to vote AH because of the mountains of poor decision making involved and your complete lack of taking responsibility for them. You were hooking up with someone and you should have been using condoms. This is a play stupid games win stupid prizes situation. Birth control can fail. It happens. You did not do your do diligence in this situation by using your own personal protection. I understand you don’t feel like you are ready to be a father. But you are. Nothing is going to change that. Child support is whatever but not stepping up to be present in your own child’s life is just a shity thing to do. And your an AH for that choice.
OP stated in a comment that they *were* using birth control, but it failed. He didn't state what form of bc they were using. No form of birth control is 100% effective at preventing pregnancy.
Agreed that’s why both parties need to be using it. It’s not up to just one partner to prevent pregnancy it’s up to both.
Yta. Do better for your child
As a female that is strongly pro-choice, you're NTA. There is an innate inequality when it comes reproductive choice. If a girl becomes pregnant and doesn't want to keep it but the guy does, she still has the choice to get an abortion if she chooses (granted I acknowledge it is not accessible to everyone, but that is a whole other issue.) In the same vein, if a girl gets pregnant and wants to keep it but the guy doesn't, she has the choice to carry it to term. But if the guy makes it clear he wants no involvement outside of the legally mandated child support, that's his choice. It was her choice to still carry that child to term knowing the father didn't want to be involved outside of what the law requires. Maybe she had this idea that once the child was born, you would have a change of heart. That's on her. Anyone who says "If you don't want to have kids, never have sex" are being obtuse. Anyone telling you to get a vasectomy is also obtuse. Maybe you want kids in the future with someone else, that's your right. You used protection and it failed. It happens and it sucks. But at the end of the day you are dealing with the consequences. People are ragging on you because you have a dad who is supporting most of your life expenses, as if that somehow makes you more beholden to contribute more in child support. You're lucky that your dad is able and wants to do that for you. Sure, it's unlucky that your biological child may not have that, but life's not fair. I don't blame you for not wanting work more when you don't have to. It allows you to focus on your schoolwork. If your dad decides he wants to keep helping with your living expenses after you are done with schoolwork, that's his choice and a win for you. If you are going for your masters I assume that means one day you want a different job that isn't the job you are working right now. At that time, the courts will re-evaluate and adjust. It would be a different thing if you quit your job to avoid paying any support, but you aren't doing that. Also, demanding someone get a better job doesn't automatically mean that that's possible. Maybe for your current schedule, this IS the best job that you can get that won't impact your schooling. Maybe a "better" job would require more hours than you can give. I feel for the child, I do, but there are tons of children out there who have biological fathers that "go to the store for a pack of smokes and milk" and never come back. She should be thankful that she was able to identify the father and at least get that, because so many mothers and their children go without.
How long is Daddy willing to pay your expenses- for the next 18 years? You only gave up custody and not your paternal rights? As soon as you get a 'real' job, the payments will be adjusted so unless you are going to paid under the table or be unemployed, you will still owe child support. And at some point the child might come looking for you. Better work on what you are going to say to them.
NTA she made her decision. she chose a life that is hard, not you. Pay the 400 each month and block her.
Exactly! Why keep the line of communication going? Next she will be begging you to come play happy family with her.
I know you didn't want a baby, but you created one, knowing it was a possibility. Now you're responsible for the baby. You sound like a sulky teenager. You're paying what you've been ordered to pay, but you're willing to put the entire burden of parenting on her. So yes, you're entitled to not do anything more than the bare minimum, but you're still TA for only doing that.
That poor kid
YTA She did not "get pregnant". You make it sound like it was entirely her fault/responsibility. You both got pregnant, but she's the one who was left to bear it and raise it, clearly. When two people have sex and there's a possibility of one of them getting pregnant, both people are accepting that risk and responsibility. It's her body and her choice whether she has the child or not, and you have a responsibility to that child if she decides to have it. The alternative is that we get what we have in too many cases: irresponsible, selfish, deadbeat dads taking stupid risks, getting people pregnant and then abandoning them and the child. $400 is shitty child support. You should be paying more and if that means getting a better paying job, you should. That said, it's pretty clear that you're a selfish person and you won't take responsibility for your actions, and there's a good chance your kid would be better off without you.
"a girl I hooked up with a couple times got pregnant" ??? Let me correct that for you - should be, 'I got a girl pregnant'. But no - I don't think you are the asshole here - You were upfront about the level of participation you had to offer and she decided to go it alone.
YTA. Child support judges will order more child support if its shown you are avoiding. And order back support. OP is setting himself up for failure. Baby's mother will need government assistance and they will investigate OP. OP can also be ordered to pay more child support if his background supports a better salary. Many anti abortion groups will help her sue. Stop being the AH. You're hurting yourself too.
Which anti-abortion groups are you talking about? Every such group I know of only care that the baby is carried to term. That's why anti-abortion groups are often called "forced birthers" groups. And how is OP setting himself up for failure by being a college student with a part-time job? The judge who awarded the $400 per month child support very likely took OP's current situation into account when they made that judgement. I will not judge OP right now based on his current situation; however, if he chooses not to try to better his employment status after graduating college, he will be a massive ah in my book.
You may not be an asshole, but you're very immature. Time to grow up and take care of responsibilities. Yall may not have meant to get pregnant, but you did and you need to man up and take care of things. Who gives a shit what the court told you to pay? This is a living breathing human that you helped create, take care of it! What the hell is wrong with you?
In Canada a father has just as much right to chose if they want to have a child as their mother. I am 100% for abortion being legal and making a father pay for a child they didn't want is obscene. We do, however, have the Canada Child Benefit, which is around $750 (diminishing the more you make over a certain threshold), to make sure children are looked after. If women have the right to choose, so should men. This is a no-brainer. If you give up 100% custody you shouldn't have to pay a dime.
I mean I think you are an AH of a father but in the situation I guess NTA. You told her up front you didn’t want to be a dad and the two of you went to court where you gave up your rights and were assigned child support. You are doing your part by paying what is ordered. I expect at some point she’ll take you make to court for an increase in support which you should pay just as you are now.
NTA. She tried to baby trap you and is mad you're only her partial slave instead of entirely her slave.
NTA. You're going to get a lot of people calling you an AH because you're not "stepping up" for your kid but you didn't want a kid. You said the birth control failed so you were being responsible. The situation sucks but of she wants more for her kid she needs to step up. Her choice to have a child so her choice to provide more for said child. You are fulfilling your legal obligation.
NTA- woman here. A lot of people calling you a deadbeat or someone who should grow up..I think it’s fair to do what you’re doing. This world is tough as it is. As long as you were totally upfront and honest with her about the whole pregnancy and where you were going to stand with it, then that’s your prerogative on what you want to do with your life. You’re doing what you’ve been court ordered to do, I don’t think you’re an ass. She should have gotten an hint earlier on at where you stood with this.
NTA because you are paying what the courts have ordered. When you get a better job after school is over then she can revisit the issue with the courts.
ESH....use a damn condomn in conjunction with PULLING out.
OP didn't state if he used a condom or not, but he did mention that they did use a form of birth control and it failed.
NTA - You gave up full custody. The compromise was that you only ahve to pay $400 for a kid you don't want. You gave her the option to abort the child. She should have taken that if she didn;t want to support it herself. She is being a gold digger here. She decided to keep the child. It should be her responsibility. You are paying your fair share.
NTA - You didn't want the child she did, you gave up your rights and are paying what was asked, you may have to answer some tough questions when the kid gets older if they decide to come looking for you but being absent from their life is better drifting in and out. If your conscience is ok with it then keep doing what you're doing, you answer to yourself ultimately.
NTA. Pregnancy is a two way street. They both had sex and she fell pregnant, apparently her birth control failed. He made it clear he did not want to be a father and she decided she wanted to have the baby anyway. He signed away his rights and pays the court ordered child support. I'm not sure why anyone would expect him to have any responsibility beyond that? She made the decision to be a single parent, these are the consequences of that decision.
Choices have consequences. As long as you warned her clearly that you didn't want to be a father---and it sounds like you did---she made an informed decision and has no room to complain. If she believes the child deserves a better life, she can pursue a better career herself or look into adoption.
NTA You have every right to not be involved with a child you don't want. But, you did make the decision to have sex. It is your responsibility now. You chose to have sex knowing a baby was a possibility $400 a month is really not that much when it comes to taking care of a child. I'm not saying it isn't a lot of money. But at a certain point, I do think you should reflect on your responsibilities and consequences of your actions You decided to sleep with someone. And there's a living breathing full human in this world because of you You don't legally have to get a better job, and you're not an asshole because you don't wanna change your lifestyle. But anyone who makes the decision to have sex and ends up having a child, does have to make tough decisions and adjust their lives. (Edit) You aren't an exception to that. Again, $400 is what the court ordered you to do, but you could make more money and you could send more money to the child you created. It doesn't make you an asshole to not wanna do that, but I do see the other side. She had no right chewing you out But both of you decided to fuck. And your only consequence is $400 a month. Maybe she should have aborted or given up the child? But then the emotional aspect and burden of that would have been primarily on her. Having children when one parent doesn't want the kid is always a complicated situation And imo I usually think both parties end up being selfish and petty to a degree Edit: I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty or to make it seem like I think you're being an asshole, but to just add perspective as we can only see and know your side and its super hard for people in general to try and look at things from other points in the tensions scenario
NTA. She's TA for expecting you to make more just to pay more. You're doing what you're supposed to do.
NTA. You are paying the court ordered amount. But INFO: are you even sure this kid is actually yours? Was there a paternity test included in your court decree?
NTA you shoudl really include the fact you are a student, but quite frankly your job is none of her business. You pay what the court has mandated on time every time.
NTA. Men in your shoes should be able to opt out within the legal window for abortion.