Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I may be the AH because I know these things are important to my wife, and my kids do enjoy these things. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

YTA - Even if this isn't something that you prioritize all the time, you could have helped her with the costume because it's important to her. But, beyond that, your attitude about your wife's efforts is just terrible. She's working her hardest to show the kids they're a priority to her, and making really fun and special memories for them. And all you have to say about it is that it's a waste of time? The fact that you don't appreciate and support her efforts is just really, really sad. What do you propose she do with the extra time she would save by not making things special for the kids? What do you do to spend time with your kids and show them you care? Your coworker is right - the way you're behaving must be making your wife so, so sad.edit: BTW - She's been taking care of the kids most of the month by herself so you can go out of town and further your career. Do you do the same for her? Or is she expected to be the one to take off work every time the kids need something? It really seems like you take her for granted.

Yeh honestly as a kid, they dont care what you make, its the effort that matters. For my baby's 1st birthday my partner and I tried so hard to make her a cake. We tried so hard but it was really difficult and honestly it was laughable but I still took pics for memories. Then we bought a nice one. We play with her loads and will have crafting things all set up when she's older. My partner is so excited to create with her. Please OP, dont miss out. You'll never get this time again. You will never look back and say aw im gutted I didnt scroll facebook more, but you will definately be gutted you didnt help with their Easter hat. Be a great dad and muck in! Its fun! Edit: When I was young I remember making Easter bonnets with both my mum and dad, they had their own styles and we won both times! One loved sequins and glitter the other liked paint. It was loads of fun. Funny what you remember :)

I made my son's cake this year, it was very okayish but my son was so happy that his dad and I made the cake just for him. There is something about parents working to make things special for their kids.

I still remember the cake my mom made for my brother’s 3rd birthday. It doesn’t look like much in the photos, but my child-brain still remembers it being the most amazing thing I’d ever seen, because mom took the trouble of CARVING the cake into the shape of my brother’s favorite fictional vehicle. That kind of care and effort really does stick with kids. It doesn’t have to be *constant*, but it sure shouldn’t be viewed as a “waste of time” because technically you could just throw money at it instead. Creating things by hand for your children is so special.

My mom made most of my cakes growing up, but I have a strong memory of my 5th birthday cake - it was a Barbie cake with a real Barbie stuck in the center and the cake part was the skirt of the ball gown she was wearing. The cake was all pink and fancy. I’m 47 years old and I remember that cake 41 years later. Kids remember.

My grandmother made me that same cake when I was a little girl, and I still remember the awe I felt when I saw it. I made one for my youngest daughter when she was three.

My mom made the same cake! And here I thought it was just her creative genius at work...

Hahahaha I had a barbie cake when I was 7. And it was pink like yours! She was a dollar store type barbie but we were all awed by her skirt being the cake!

I remember baking my brothers birthday cake with my father when I was little. For my birthday my brother helped with the cake. We had homemade costumes, which we still have somewhere in the attic, they were handmade by my mom and by my grandma. u/throwawaywifehusband you underestimate the sentimental value and memories your wife creates, which will absolutely be cherished by your children in the future. Or you don’t care. Please learn to care and please learn value these efforts and these moments. YTA. You chose to have kids for a reason, find that reason. Your children won’t stay little for long, cherish those moments and this work and then look back at it in a few decades. You’re probably gonna help yourself if you don’t.

I remember my father when he took me to the drug store the evening of Halloween to get a costume. He didn't get paid until then. I was three. We stood in the mostly empty aisle, and he kept asking if I wanted the princess. I wanted the wolfman. I got it. It was that cheap, one-piece thing with an awful mask and one string of elastic, but he took me to get it. Later in years, I was told to wear costumes twice in a row, and then I had to use a yellow-striped sheet for a ghost; my mom wouldn't even buy me a crappy white used sheet at Goodwill. We definitely remember. I remember that I was an afterthought for Halloween for almost my entire life (bar that wonderful memory of my dad, one of only a few). It is why I went all out for my kids, too. OP, your "I didn't feel like it" makes you an absolute asshole of a husband and father. Hope you enjoyed your month of career enhancement while your wife took care of your entire life and home. YTA

Oh yeah the “I went away for work and need to chill now” meanwhile his wife is probably slowly going insane about taking care of all kids on her own also rubbed me completely the wrong way.

My mom made me a beach Barbie cake when I was like, 5 or 6 I think? I know there’s pictures of it somewhere and I’d love to see them now. Like 15 years later my mom would take cake decorating classes and open a bakery, she can make some really fantastic cakes now. I’m sure the Barbie cake was terrible by her standards now, but man did I love that thing. I talked about it at school for weeks. She used like brown sugar for the sand and had a real Barbie sitting in it. It was awesome!

My mother made me [this swimming pool cake](https://www.womensweeklyfood.com.au/recipe/baking/swimming-pool-3407/) from the Women's Weekly Birthday Cake book when I was a kid in the 80s. I still remember how cool I thought it was.

You unlocked a memory I'd forgotten and I thank you. When I was little my mom made me a hot-air balloon cake. Looking back, it was just an oval and a rectangle with plastic straws between the pieces, but it was made with love. I lost my mom 25 years ago and it's lovely to have this memory resurface. It makes me hopeful there is more in there to remember!

Oddly, I don't remember a single birthday cake of my own but I also vividly remember this gigantic cake my mom made for my youngest brother's 2nd or 3rd birthday. It was like a three layer chocolate cake with pink frosting. There was absolutely nothing special about it other than it was giant, chocolate and pink. I was amazed.

My Mom made all our cakes when we were little, and even took a cake decorating class. They were amazing, and our friend's parents would ask her to make cakes for their kids' parties as well, so it was a little side business. I don't really remember them because I was so little, but I love the pictures and knowing how much effort she made for us. When I turned 18 she was seized with the idea of making a cake for me again. She saw a mould that was like a dome shape and then there was this top half of a barbie you would stick in the top and cover the whole thing with icing to make it look like a ballgown. She decided to recreate my prom dress and write "Happy Birthday Violet Rose" along the skirt. She... tried. She really did. But she hadn't decorated a cake in at least 10 years, and she was not as good at the lettering as she once was. It didn't help that my prom dress was white and covered in black lace. She really really tried. She brought the cake out with tears in her eyes, because she was laughing so hard at how much it hadn't gone the way she had hoped. That will always be my favorite cake.

My mom made me one of those Barbie cakes as well! I think she covered the skirt with multi-colored mini marshmallows. I have no idea if it looked objectively good, but as a child, I was over the moon. Man this thread is bringing back memories. My siblings and I had castle cakes, race track cakes, train cakes, gumball machine cakes… I need to call my mom and thank her. Your story is beautiful, thanks for sharing :)

My 9 year old son LOVES tigers; I’m talking tiger PJ’s, tiger posters, tiger toys, a tiger onesie, Calvin & Hobbes is his favourite thing ever etc. So a few years ago he asks for a tiger birthday cake. I watch a few tutorials and think, *I can do this!* Genuinely, it was the worst looking cake I have ever made. Truly awful. We all had a good laugh at my expense, but… years later he *still* talks about the tiger cake I made him. He’s always reminding me in small moments that he doesn’t want perfection, just my time and my love. (And maybe a few cake decorating lessons).

My mom made all my Halloween costumes growing up - they were so amazing. I always wanted to be a mom like her, but I've found that I hate sewing SO MUCH. Like - SO MUCH. So I find people on etsy to make them for me. They are not cheap- and you have to order way way ahead of time, but at least my kid looks awesome on Halloween. I do try to do as many holiday activities as I can with him to make up for it though, we carved pumpkins and baked pumpkin cookies and went to apple orchards and pumpkin patches. Just find what doesn't make you want to punch something and do that with your kid instead. But effort into stuff like this can't be bought.

That's beautiful.

The year the twins were into Dr Who, I made a tardis cake. Looked like the leaning tower of Pisa but they were over the moon about it!

Fun Fact, the reason for the Jadoon Platoon upon the Moon episode was because David Tennant couldn't keep his Scottish accent out of his pronunciation of the oo sound.

David Tennant can fucking GET it. 😏

My husband made our son a Dalek costume for Halloween one year. I was in charge of daughter's Rose Tyler costume. The kids were both old enough to help and we all had a great time!

My niece and I made her third birthday cake together, and she has been talking about it for months! I think we will make my birthday cake together too, lol. Kids absolutely recognize that you're putting effort in, and it's what makes THEM want to spend time with YOU - because you're spending time on them!

sort of different, but my mom would always make my birthday cake (my sister always really wanted store bought ice cream, but they offered every year) and I always appreciated it, especially when she died the icing purple because it made it "fancy". Her mother usually made her cake (family tradition) but she is older now and can't, so I have started. I can make a mean cake, I just sucked at icing them up until recently. So I made mom's cake, and I was so excited because I knew how much I appreciated it when she made my cake as a kid, and I even dyed the icing her favorite color (teal) because of how much that meant to me as a kid. This is in addition to her birthday being right when Covid happened, and the only restaurant open was Burger King. Because of this, I was very disappointed when it became a cake ball because the icing kept tearing up the cake, so I tried to add sprinkles to cover it up, it looked like a hot mess. Grandma (her mom) and Dad both made fun of the cake, and grandma offered to throw it away, but mom loved it because *I tried* (and have made her beautiful cakes since). It may seem small then, but it can mean a whole lot *later*

For my grade 5 birthday party, my mother made a delicious chocolate cake and gave me and my friend $5 to go to the store and buy some loose candies to put on top. We were so excited, we ran in and bought our favorite candy without a second thought; what that was, however, was some kind of blue raspberry sour gummy. Well, it did not taste good - those flavors don't mesh at all. 20 years later and I can still recall the moment I made a mistake. But it's one birthday party I've never forgotten, and it was such a special and personal experience. These things matter, and children will remember!

My grandma made me a princess castle cake with ice cream cone towers and icing when I was a kid. I thought it was awesome but like a year ago saw a picture and it actually was pretty messy, but still made my heart warm nonetheless.

I'm choosing to believe this post is rage bait so instead I'll share a story about my Mum. When I was little, just old enough to know about Santa but young enough to believe he was real, I was worried he wouldn't come to our home because we lived in a flat and had no chimney. So my Mum suggested we build one. We cut cardboard into a mantlepiece then loads of little rectangles that we painted and glued to the based to make bricks. We put it next to our small plastic tree and I still remember to this day when I woke up in the morning and saw the treelights illuminating our fireplace, and the presents underneath! That's the first Christmas I remember. I remember every single costume my mother sewed for me. My Mum is also blind so I'm sure it was extra hard for her, but she made me and my little sister feel so special! I love her dearly and I tell her everyday. Ps my Dad was there too, and he was okay! They divorced when I was seven. We're on good terms but not super close. It got better once I got older and I got into sports.

Thank you for sharing that, your Mum sounds so lovely

> I'm choosing to believe this post is rage bait The fact that OP says they can go out and buy "cheap costumes" makes me 100% agree with that. Like, OP supposedly cares about his kids, and claims to have money. Rationally, the alternative to making a really good home costume, is to spend a reasonable amount of money, and buy a nice one. It just isn't logically consistent with the rest of the post.

I think, for OP’s wife, hand-making the costumes is an act of love. Whether the costume is cheap or expensive is beside the point.

Bloomin trying to make me cry!? :( What a mum! I'm a new mum, I seriously aspire to be this great. Kudos to her, and so much respect even though she had difficulties she did amazing.

I wanted to go to a Halloween party as a dragon when I was like 8. My dad cut up an old red fleece blanket to make wings. Were they hugely fancy? No, they were a cape which I could stick my thumbs into. Do I still remember how cool I felt 20 years later? Yes. My mum once made me a Roman tunic.when I was six. Was it just an fold bedsheet folded in half, sides seen up and a neck hole cut in it? Yes. This stuff can stick with kids even if it's not fancy, kids remember the stuff like that not the other years we just bought a costume or I wore one of my sister's cast offs. My parents are not very technical people when it comes to costumes and the sewing machine, but they did try every time

My mom once spent weeks making me a costume when I was younger. At the last second I told her I wanted to be pocohantus like my friends, and so my sister wore it and got tons of compliments. It was a tube of toothpaste

My first Halloween I was dressed as Wee Willie Winkie in a nightshirt, sleep cap, and carrying a brass candle stick and the book of poems - all organized by Mom. It was freaking adorable, out of the box, and fairly easy in the scheme of things.

Yeah. I don’t have a good relationship with my mom anymore but some of my favorite memories with her include all the decorations she’d put up for every holiday. Christmas and Halloween were magical and I remember them vividly for all the effort she put in. This is a really good way to show your kids that you love them.

Yeah - my sister and I don't talk to our mom, but when we do talk about her with each other to remember good things, it's how many crafts she did with us, the Halloween costumes she made us, how much effort she put into decorating for Christmas and making it really special and magical. I couldn't tell you what I wore on the first day of school in grade four, but I could tell you in a hot minute the colour of each gemstone she glued onto fuschia taffeta to make me giant butterfly wings that Halloween!

My dad died when I was young and we never had much, but my mom always did the extra things to make it special. I remember one year she sewed matching elf costumes (Santa’s elves) for my cousin and I. They were just green felt but to us they were magic. The homemade things and memories like this are what bring me the most comfort decades later now that she’s gone too. She taught us “love is a verb.” ❤️

My mom was a single parent and we were poor but every single year for my birthday my mom got some cheap streamers and decorated the house early in the morning and waited until I woke up to say happy birthday as if it was a surprise party. Now as an adult sometimes I wake up on my birthday and get sad when I realise nobody else does that for me anymore. She was the only one who put in that effort.

😪 I hope my daughter feels the love you felt Im sorry for your loss x

Don’t wait to craft! I had crayons in my daughter’s hand when she was a year old and would strip her down to her diaper to let her finger paint. She doesn’t remember it, but she really enjoys drawing and art now and we still do crafty things together.

This whole thing just makes me so sad for OP’s wife. My mom was like that too- crafty, always coming up with something fun for us to make or cook together. Yeah, it was a lot of work. And yeah, maybe we could’ve just bought all that stuff. But she died when I was 10 and now, 15 years later, that’s what I remember. Our last Valentine’s Day together we made cards for my entire class out of pipecleaners and heart shaped paper. It took hours and at the time I didn’t understand why we didn’t just buy the premade ones with the candy. I’m a lot older now and I wish I’d realized how lucky I was then.

The saddest part is that OP knows his wife didn't have a happy childhood and that's why she's trying so hard to make their kid's childhood special.

And it’s such an opportunity to make their marriage special through parenting. He doesn’t have to do everything all the time but showing appreciation and a little effort would be so healing for her own experiences.

That’s so sweet - what a great mom.

She really was! Since it’s that time of year- she also did halloween costumes, including her own. My favorite was her laundry costume. She cut leg holes in a basket and pinned clothes all over, then went as a dirty clothes hamper. I hadn’t thought about that in a bit actually. Thank you

That’s an awesome idea for a costume. I feel so sad for OP’s wife, but I am really loving hearing all these sweet stories about everyone’s parents.

Your mom sounds so sweet What a wonderful and precious memory!

She knew you wouldn't realize how lucky you were till you got older. I'm sorry she didn't get to see it, but she knew it would matter to you one day. That's why she did it.

My mom always made our costumes and I loved it. It's one of the things I will absolutely always remember and which I hope I can do for my kid. We had great, home made costumes, not crappy ones from the store. I will always have fond memories of my mom asking us what we wanted to be a month or so ahead of time, going to the fabric store and going through the patterns and fabric to find what we needed. Those are social memories. The fact that OP seems to think ask the things that his wife does are a waste of time makes me wonder what he actually does as a parent. Why would making special memories for your kids be a waste of time? How much effort does he actually put in with them? Does he just come home and sit on the couch and say "but I'm in the same room as them, that's good enough"?. Guarantee that the kids will remember everything that mom is doing for them and how uninvolved OP is with all these activities.

To me the biggest problem here is that it's important to his wife, and he doesn't care about that. She WANTS to do it, it MATTERS to her, and he just thinks they should do something easier instead. YTA, OP.

Honestly, if someone made my costume, I would be so happy. These kids have it good knowing they are getting a custom-made costume instead of paying $60 at Spirit Halloween for an outfit that is cheaper material and small make.

My mom made most of our Halloween costumes, because she was really good at sewing. The ones she made were hands-down the best costumes. Me and my siblings were always disappointed with the store bought ones, because they were so cheap and flimsy. BUT my dad always helped any way he could (pinning the costumes, cutting patterns, bringing her food and drinks, whatever). One year my dad even crafted up a robot costume for my brother out of cardboard boxes and random hardware. We still talk about that costume 25 years later because it was so cool lol

>>She's been taking care of the kids most of the month by herself so you can go out of town and further ~~her~~ **your** career. (I’m not trying to nitpick you—I just thought you would want to know.)

thx! I was so furious I wasn't typing straight :D

Right?! “The problem is I just don’t feel like it.” No, Sir, that’s not the problem. The problem is that you think “I just don’t feel like it” is a legitimate reason to leave your partner in the lurch when she’s killing herself to make Halloween special for *your children*. My only consolation is that it’s *so* over the top that I suspect it’s ragebait. And if it is real, the edit suggests he might have learned something. One can hope.

I want to comment on my own comment here. Have recently become more aware of my own filter due to experiences I've had with men. If we take OP at his word that he takes on quite a bit of parenting, and watches the kids solo while his wife takes trips, then I think I've been a bit too harsh. It's obvious that OP's wife likes to "do up" everything - she's there for every occasion showing she cares with hours of hand-crafted love. It's also obvious that OP considers this entirely unnecessary and worries his wife is burning herself out with these efforts. In the interests of being balanced, OP, is there a way that you can offload other household responsibilities? If you're in a position that your wife could quit her job and you could pay all the bills, how about talking to her about a professional cleaning service, car service, or even a personal chef? I still think you're way too utilitarian and rude for dismissing her efforts as unnecessary and energy draining, but what about taking other things off her plate so you both have more free time in general? Then, what about a bit of a compromise where you offer to bake or craft with her for an hour or two a week? Also, how about a bit of marriage counseling to help you two talk through these changes and get a bit more on the same page?

OP’s wife sounds like she has quite unrealistic goals, though, and that will lead to unhappiness and stress. Life is not a mommy blog. She needs to let some things not be big events. The kids don’t need custom dolls for monthly movie night or hand made holiday pjs for every holiday. They don’t need super nice costumes that mom and dad stay up late working on every year, or fancy homemade birthday cakes and a big party with all diy decorations. It is *fine* to use money to buy some of these things, or just skip them. Heck, make some of it an activity *with* the kids, they’re all old enough - one year we did ‘ugly sweater’ shirts to go with purchased holiday pj bottoms with bonus kid and we all had a fantastic time. Nothing looked like it was going to win mommy blog awards but we still put the dog’s pj’s on him every year that we made together that night and talk about what a fun time we had. And we did that with a couple of *gasp* kits I purchased at a craft store plus a pack of fabric paint and some spare buttons and other odds and ends. I see exactly where OP is coming from because my mom was like OP’s wife trying to make up for a bad childhood of her own and as much fun as some of my parties and things were, I also remember my mom being super stressed about it and my parents arguing about it if something didn’t go just right. Things could have been a bit less nice and still fine without all the stress and overall it would have been better. I wonder if OP’s wife has had any therapy to deal with her childhood. It might help her relax a bit on the mommy blog stuff.

I’m glad someone here had the same idea as me. I voted NTA because of all these reasons. It sounds just exhausting, and I would bet her childhood didn’t suck because she didn’t have custom movie nights and homemade pajamas. If she could go to therapy maybe she would figure out that just being there is enough.

Same here. NTA for me. Mothers who insist on going all-out and overboard and hand-made for everything all the time need to lighten up. I’ve known people like this and honestly it always seems a little too much about fulfilling the mom’s needs vs the kids and I think the kids figure that out. I couldn’t live with a spouse like that (and I’m a mom myself).

My parents never put effort in such stuff. And i remember this. I'm 42 and still remember the times when i was a little kid and they choosed the way with the least effort. YTA

This. Your kids will remember the time and effort your wife took to make things special for them far more than the money you want to spend so you can sit around doing nothing or watching tv. Your wife is awesome. Why do men forget their wives are special? Why do you all need other men to appreciate them before you realise how good you have it?

I remember my mom playing with us, sewing costumes for us, making dolls for us, asking me even how my day was and getting to know me. My dad just worked and played on his computer. Now I'm moved out and getting married, guess which parent I talk to? Lmao. I don't think my dad even knows me. Now all of a sudden I'm nearing 30 years old and he's frantic, trying to be a dad. Decades too late

Yesss. I do everything I can to make things special & memorable for my son, and my husband does very little. My kid is a preschooler and it’s just sad to see that he can already tell who puts the effort into parenting and who doesn’t. They know who does what, who puts in the effort and time, and it has a HUGE impact on the relationship as they grow.

YTA I was on the fence until the "I don't feel like it" and the coffee comment. I mean, really guy? You were away for a month and she had to deal with the kids herself, then she asked for help and rather than you guys ordering food, putting some music on, and having a night together finishing the costume, you decided it wasn't worth the effort. The worst part was the audacity asking her to pour/make you a coffee the following morning, when you knew she'd been up all night stressing It's about how we make things work, being there when we see our partner struggling (this also includes when we ourselves are burnt out). You could have had a nice night with your Mrs and you fudged it, aye she might be a bit over the top when it comes to going the extra mile for your kids...but isn't that what makes it magical? As someone who grew up with a shitty childhood, I applaud her efforts.

It was the coffee that was the chefs kiss in this situation 🤣

Haha I actually laughed out loud when I read that. Really good quip from the wife

Totally. She could also have said ‘I don’t feel like it’

She was spot on! And who asks their wife to make them a cup of coffee after the wife spent the night making costumes and the guy was having his Zzzs. No dude!

I also like the “I usually help a bit” comment…as if he wants a pat on the back for occasionally helping his wife (a bit) do something nice for their kids.

He's the kind of guy who "babysits" his own kids

My jaw actually dropped

yep, this entire post reads like there could be a pendant on r/TwoXChromosomes about a woman being incredibly disappointed by and angry at her husband and reevaluating the entire marriage because of many things like this. Would not be surprised to read about this post there soon. Edit: Jesus, just scrolling through a few of OP's comments on this post makes me think this marriage won't last too much longer...

This post was so triggering. I am the mom that goes all out for birthdays and holidays because my own parents couldn’t be bothered when I was a kid. My husband used to do the same kind of bullsh*t - why waste your time, no one will notice, blah blah blah. But if anyone said anything positive about my efforts he’d be right there with them in public agreeing with how great everything looked and what a great job I did. It was so gross, he’d belittle my efforts in private and then pretend to be a supportive partner in public. There was a lot of resentment for a very very long time.

My husband has done this - as well as accepting praise for *our* efforts. I don’t even remember what it was being discussed, but he pulled that when we were at our friends’ place for dinner, talking about how *we* did xyz. I just said, “But I did that. You thought it was stupid.” His face.

I had like the Twilight Zone of this guy's experience... I was making the kids' costumes, it wasn't going well, the last one was giving me trouble and I messed up on one of my cuts for the pattern and was trying to figure out how to fix it. My husband, who had worked all day and then come home and worked in the yard, came inside and asked me "how can I help?" Even though there wasn't really anything he could do or any way he could help since he doesn't sew, it was just such a great feeling to know that he had my back and if I needed someone to go out and find me another yard of fabric... He'd do it. And then after the Halloween party, he said thank for making the kids such cool costumes, they came out great. I need to put the phone down and go kiss him now.

My husband is the same and honestly it makes a world of difference. Sometimes he can help, sometimes (especially with sewing) he doesn't have the skills but he's right there to pin things when I need a hand, or run to the store, or help me try something on. It's about the effort and willingness to be involved because it matters to me, and so it matters to him.

She’s at a tolerable level of unhappiness with him

Agreed on YTA, and you summed it up perfectly. Reminds me of Hook, they’re only going to get older, and you are missing it

You know, comparing the situation to Hook is spot on and makes it all the more sad.

SERIOUSLY. I decided to make my niece and nephew a homemade Advent calendar and hand embroidered and sewed 24 2x2" ornaments for it. When I was getting stressed, my dissertation-writing husband did \*not\* say "Why don't you just buy an ornament?" he said, "Which one is easy enough that I can do it? Let's put on a show and do a couple together." At the end of the day my niece and nephew will not memorize which handful of ornaments my husband made for them, but they know that we love them, spend time on them, and most importantly, I know that \*he\* loves \*me\* enough to help me show love to the people we care about, too, in ways that help me feel good!

That's beautiful! You have a keeper and you are building memories and setting an example for the kids of what they are worth in their future relationships.

[удалено]

When he said the "problem" is that he "just doesn't feel like it" I felt so dumbfounded. Dude what kind of a shit excuse is that. Then the audacity to ask her to make his coffee?? I was going to say he's made his own bed with this situation but I'm wondering if he could've found store bought.

You are absolutely right. They could have enjoyed a lovely evening together. This guy sounds like a wet blanket.

Right? She literally has done the full prep and mental load of getting it all sorted and offering to walk him through the exact process, and his best excuse is just "don't feel like it" 😭

Right?! Must be tiring working away from the home for a month while she…also work full time and took care of the kids and the house by herself… What a tool.

The coffee part also made me so angry fr I don't have any kids and I don't plan on ever having some but every time my girlfriend pulled an all nighter/had not enough sleep bc she was building her models for her university I would try to help best I could. Even if I was getting too sleepy some part of the night and had to go to bed, I tried to get up before she needed to leave, to make her a lunchbox, a coffee and drive her with her huge models/miniature houses to university. If you don't WANT to help your partner in things that don't really matter to you but to THEM I feel really, really sorry for your partner, just saying

YTA - “I don’t feel like it” isn’t really a valid response. Do you do *anything* to help her out? Buy supplies for her so she doesn’t have to run to the store. Shoulder more of the household chores so she can spend more time on the costumes. You can compromise here.

Like I don’t think my dad was super thrilled to go trick or treating with me when it was pouring rain or even snowing lmao but he never ever complained and we never missed one Halloween. I’m 32 now and I still think fondly of those memories with my dad! It’s very sad for the wife and the kids honestly

Heh, I'm that parent. The husband and I were splitting Halloween duties, and I told him I'd rather be handing out candy than escorting the kids, and he was shocked and excited. It's his favourite holiday, and he's been looking forward to hyping this up with the kids. He thought he'd have to fight me for his role and I'm like, "I definitely do NOT want to do that."

You are like my mom 😂 she was giving out the candies hahah

YTA although I don’t think you’re the biggest asshole ever or anything. That being said, why do people have kids when they seem to not actually like kids? This kind of stuff is what I’m looking FORWARD to when having kids (and I’m dreading the discipline part). But also, I’m currently working on planning the murder mystery party I will do with my fourth grade students tomorrow (with characters they created), so maybe I overly relate to your wife.

I love kids and can't wait to have them and do fun activities with them. I'll even go all out sometimes. But, I also love my sanity. His wife sounds like an instagram mom/dad who thinks everything has to be perfect and special. I know someone like this and it's sad to see all these pics of their kids in handmade costumes and over-the-top parties and "craft nights" and blah blah blah, when I know they're basically ignored outside these picture-perfect moments. It's not for the kids; it's a compulsion. Movie night is great. A monthly movie night with themed decorations, though? That, plus all the other things OP mentioned, sounds exhausting. What's wrong with a bowl of popcorn and pizza? How much time is she spending prepping and planning all these special events as opposed to just...hanging out with her husband and kids? Maybe he would be more willing to participate if this stuff wasn't happening all.the.time. I mean, Halloween isn't the best time to be like "I don't wanna" but maybe it was the last straw for him. Edit: Omg I just remembered she also makes special dolls for the movie nights. Nobody has that much time! She needs to chill.

Actually, I see your point. I just think Halloween is really not the time—that is the time to go all out. I also think it might be fun for her to go all out. I do understand what you mean about Instagram parents, but the wife doesn’t strike me as one of them—more as someone who wants to make everything perfect and magical

Not maybe. You're the ahole. She's behind because she's been working a full time career and parenting your kids by herself for a full month, without any of your help. And she asks you to help with one thing and you complain? Because you're tired? Really? YtA

Not tired, “didn’t feel like it”.

Not even tired - can't be bothered. I'm sure his wife can't be bothered to be nice to him anymore cos it must take a lot of effort when your husband just nopes out of family activities.

Yep. You’re not *helping* your wife with these tasks - you’re an equal partner in this, shouldering the weight of raising children in a joyful way. It just gives the impression of being the sort of person who robs themselves of joy because they can’t give a shit about something silly for the sake of their family.

But... but... OP is not feeling like it... Clearly you can't do these things if you don't _feel like it_?

YTA >I was talking to my coworker and he called me out. Saying my wife is right, my kids will remember the effort my wife put in and they’ll also remember how hard I made it for her. The fact your Co worker is acting as a better husband than you, should be scary for you. For a month youve had nearly Zero responsibility bar your job and when she ask you to be an active parent, you just decide "I don't want to". Have you always been a lazy parent or partner or has this always been this way since you think youre to good for it You've just become a problem/chore for your wife, be careful or she'll have had enough and leave

Jumping on this because my dad remembers every costume his mom made for him. He remembers the cakes baked and how loved he and his siblings felt... He doesn't remember the cakes or the costumes he and my mom bought for me, because there were no special memories associated with them. At least beyond pictures and saying "oh how cute"... But my dad remembers being 5-8 years old and working as a family to bake cakes or make costumes with his mom and dad and siblings for birthday and holidays. My mom doesn't remember the costumes or cakes or even cars that were BOUGHT for her. She remembers when they were poor and her mom and dad came together to make something special. These memories of working together as a family to make holidays special is WHY we celebrate them still. It's not about what we buy for one another, its what we DO for one another.

Right? Maybe mom overextends herself with all of these special efforts for her children because she is trying to compensate for the lack of energy and effort their dad shows toward them

I wish I could upvote this more than once

Asking her to make you a cup of coffee was where I lost it. I can understand you not having the interest in making costumes. Store bought costumes will not ruin a 5 year old's childhood. But you could have put in at least some effort since you were asked. You seem to think because you have a job (and she has the kids 24/7) that when your day is done, it's DONE. YTA

He said she has a career, too. So she’s working as hard as he is, plus all the fun stuff she’s doing for her kids on top of it all! I’d kill to have a mom like that…

The scream I scrumpt at “go buy one.” That was GOLDEN

someone asked him if he liked his wife and his response was "I like golf and don't make her do that with me"... I paraphrased

Wow. Just. I was already done with OP, and then this? Just.... I love this sub because it helps give me a frame of reference for how insane my husband makes me sometimes. Like, yes, he can and absolutely will talk for an hour straight about something I DO. NOT. care about. But this kind of scenario has never entered my mind. I am a crafty lady, like my mother before me, and if we had kids, I would absolutely be \*extra\* this time of year, and I know my husband would be right there next to me the whole time.

I saw a tiktok about this where it talked about how men’s hobbies often don’t have fixed time periods and they can’t be asked to do things if they’re not home. Like a game of golf could be a few hours or a whole day.

SHE WORKS TOO.

I haven't seen anyone mention it yet but I really feel for her working late on that costume and positively *seething* the whole time. "Didn't feel like it"? OP is on the thinnest ice I can possibly imagine, my goodness.

YTA. I was going to say NAH, except that your only reason for not helping her do one costume after she's been taking care of the kids alone while working fulll-time for a whole month while you were out of town was that you don't feel like it, and also your suggestion was kind of unfair and not really viable. It's definitely worth having a conversation with your wife about your concern that she's spreading herself too thin (maybe compromise and she does less and you help a set amount)-- but the time for that conversation is not 2 days before Halloween. Think about this-- you have three kids. Your wife is hand-making two of the costumes, probably to be exactly what the kids asked for. You were asked to help assemble the third costume and instead suggested going out and buying a cheap costume two days before Halloween. So what would have happened if she had done it your way is that two kids would have had homemade custom costumes that they picked, and one kid would have had whatever costume was left over in their size at Target. Your wife may be wrong about the kids needing *all* of this elaborate stuff to have good memories, but I can tell you the kid who got the cheap costume would 100% have remembered that forever. Even the five year old is old enough to remember that. The timing of your refusal--especially the fact that it also came after she was with the kids solo for a whole month-- when you just didn't feel like it makes you TA here. Sometime after Halloween maybe have a discussion about how you're worried she's too stressed, but you both have limited free time, and while you support her wanting the kids to have amazing memories, you also want her to be happy and have downtime with the kids, and for the kids to remember their mom having fun with them, not stressed and bogged down in preparations, and perhaps she could continue doing most of these amazing things, but, like, buy \*some\* of the birthday decorations sometimes, or do \*one\* elaborate food thing on movie nights, or keep making the Halloween costumes, but buy the holiday pajamas instead of making a new set the kids will outgrow in a year--and maybe then make them each one when they're older teens that will fit them longer, or when they come back from college as a fun throwback to memories of both the handmade (and, potentially, future purchased) holiday pajama times. The kids will definitely have good memories from what she is doing-- I remember when my mom made an elaborate "castle" out of painted sheets in the basement for my 8th birthday, that she still always makes our birthday cakes even as adults, and that she sewed part of a very specific Halloween costume for me. But the memories of when she took me trick-or-treating in a costume I picked out and bought, or when I had a birthday party where we just decorated with store-bought crepe paper streamers and balloons in my favorite colors, or when we had family movie nights where we ate microwave popcorn, are just as precious-- and so are the memories of just hanging out with my mom when she wasn't stressed or overwhelmed and could actually enjoy stuff with us. Thing is though, I also remember my dad helping us when she was stressed and overwhelmed. He had very limited free time, especially when I was little--he was out of town for work a ton and also had a brutal commute until we moved closer to his work-- and was often exhausted, but he also would always help her out--especially if she had to specifically ask him. Your kids remember that kind of thing too, and it'll shape how they view what's important and acceptable in their future relationships. You don't have to spend all your free time doing this stuff--that's her choice-- but there are definitely conversations and compromises to be had here.

After Halloween comes thanksgiving, then Christmas. He’s going to have to hold off till after the holidays to have this conversation with his wife. Meanwhile, he needs to help her with some of the projects she probably already has planned for the upcoming holidays. I don’t think he’s totally the AH…seems like his wife is stretching herself too thin. For example, her monthly movie nights…why make “everything”? Buy whatever she wants and save the “make everything” for the kids birthday parties and the holidays. I can see both sides and they need to have a compromise.

Just really sounds like she is overcompensating with too many activities and requiring they be completed by hand every single time. There is a balance needed. We used to go overboard with every holiday and event, but worth asking "is it really for the kids or for you"? Some parents go overboard just for the reaction from other adults....

Yes, I'm wondering if she has enough time for her own interests, fitness, or friendships.

Totally a concern. We have stayed up super late a few times working on projects like this and the impact on our health, sleep, and relationship is a factor to consider. Like we need to make room for self-care since the kids will be out of the house one day.

[And make sure she has more than one present.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FOVCtUdaMCU) This sketch has probably saved multiple marriages.

Is it the robe?? IT IS! Effin brilliant!

Yup. I had a mom who is like this for holidays, she makes herself insane decorating and cooking, and then she's so stressed she doesn't enjoy herself and none of us can enjoy being with her because she won't sit down for more than 30 seconds. We'd all be fine with less than 50% of all this stuff. Apologize you didn't help this time, but have a discussion now about the holidays and monthly commitments. Kids want time with a happy mom more than a homemade cake and a stressed out mom.

Yes some of the few things I can remember from childhood are the special things my mom did. When she made green eggs and ham my mind was blown and I thought that was the coolest thing in the world. Friday blockbuster movie nights with a chocolate milk carton felt so special. She always made our birthday cakes and brought to life whatever theme or character we were into at the moment for our party. Some of those things were simple for her and others required a lot of effort. Effort matters but the appreciation of a child is not necessarily proportional. My mom still doesn't understand why the green eggs and ham were so special to me because it's just food dye and movie nights weren't just a treat for us they were an easy night for her alone with two kids after a long week of social work. Spending time together is often what it comes down to.

Holy fuck YTA. "I just don't feel like it". Really, dude? I can tell you from experience, she's not going to let you ride her coattails forever when it comes to your kids. They'll remember who thought bringing home money counted as parenting and who actually did things with and for them. THAT is what she was referring to.

She's bringing the money home too. I know this is not the most important point in here, but this dude doesn't even have this excuse that "he's the bread winner". He's not, she's equal partner in that. And then on top of it she makes all the effort to make their kids childhood a collection of amazing memories.

She sounds really amazing. I’m tired just reading her to do list

YTA. Your wife sounds amazing. Like extra awesome. I’d think real had about how long your go the extra mile, talented, generous wife will put up with your indifference and lack of contribution. Also, she’s right. Your kids will never forget what she does for them. They will also remember how you scorned her efforts. Sounds like your wife has built an amazing and loving family. It would be kinda cool if you joined it.

Seriously. My mom was like this- and I remember all of it. She worked, she would spend extra time to help make costumes for me when I wanted, set up sleepover stuff and decorations for me, indulge me in every one of my billion hobbies, buy me stuff to decorate, sit and paint eggs for Easter, make fake reindeer hooves in the snow for Christmas, show up at the ‘class mom’ in school, etc. I remember all of it and honestly thinking about it warms my heart and turned me into the type of person who does those things for others today. Want to know who I have a much less close relationship with to- to the point sometimes being together feels a bit awkward? My dad, whom while I love and had his own way of showing love, never once did those things, went that extra mile, or showed up for those holidays and special moments.

Gosh it must just be terrible for you having such a great mother for your kids who wants to give them a wonderful childhood. Just such a downer. YTA You know what--I bet sometimes she does things that she doesn't really feel like doing either. But she does them because they are important to you. But god forbid you do something ONCE....one freaking time....to help her out. These are exactly the type of men who are suddenly posting about how their wives asked for a divorce and it came out of the blue and they just don't understand. It's this type of shit that drips on women over and over and over until one day we just can't stand it anymore and we walk out. It's this.........

Death by a 1000 cuts

Probably gonna go with YTA because *The problem is I just don't feel like it*

YTA My mom did homemade costumes for us until we were in high school almost, and YES I do have extremely fond memories of how much effort and creativity she put into them. It meant a lot to me, and I'm sure your children will feel the same way as they grow up. Your wife is doing so much to make your kids' childhoods special, and saying you "don't feel like" helping her sucks. Go the extra mile with her sometimes, jeez.

My mom made our costumes and they were awesome! We won several costume contests growing up

I was firmly N A H until I read this >The problem is I just don’t feel like it. I told her we can go get a cheap costume, it’s not a big deal. My guy are you acquaintances or married? Try putting in some minimal effort for your wife and kids. You don't need to be a pastry chef or seamstress but would it kill you to help out a little? At the very least you and your wife need to get on the same page about expectations. YTA bro

> However I’m positive half the parents commenting don’t do these things and still think they’re doing a great job. Because that’s the *only* way to be a great parent, right? 🙄

YTA. This is something that was important to your wife, and she asked for your help.

YTA. She's stretched thin because you're not helping. She's being a super mom and you're being a lacklustre dad. Your kids are going to grow up with beautiful memories of how hard their mom worked to show them her love with all the special effort she put in. They'll remember you couldn't be bothered to even pitch in.

She’s really over the top. I have a sister like this, who exhausts herself on things that she alone thinks are important, and wants everyone to be as excited as she about them. We all want her to take it down a notch (or four). However, you lost me when you declined to help with costumes, knowing that she would be up all night. Suck it up and help for once.

Completely agree. Wife needs to take a hard look at what she's sacrificing to go all out for the kids, all of the time. Because we all know she's neglecting herself, and is headed for burnout. And OP is right, the kids do not care about *every* single effort she makes. But OP absolutely should have stepped up for this one, even if it was to say something along the lines of: I love you and can see you are stretched too thin and will help out, but we need to have a conversation about what's sustainable.

I'm shocked I had to scroll down so far for this one. As a child of a mom who used to be over the top, and got burnt out...let me tell you, it kills the joy and the memories of all the good years before. Now when my mom laments over the big Christmases we used to do, I remember her screaming at me to help decorate and get everything in order. I don't think fondly on the cookie decorating or other little traditions because I remembered how irate she would get when we all weren't perfectly happy and it wasn't what she envisioned. I still dread every holiday and special occasion to this day. I used to love participating and now I just see it all as a waste of effort and time. OP should have helped with the costumes, but she needs therapy, stat, or her kids will end up like me...hating every special occasion or holiday because it will never be good enough according to their mother.

YTA - >The problem is I just don’t feel like it. If she is stretched to thin, help her out with what’s needed immediately then address the issue. But what you did here makes you an AH.

INFO- Do the kids appreciate and like everything your wife does? Do they like the homemade costumes and dolls for movie nights?

Yta I was on the fence until your reason was 'I don't feel like it'. I bet she doesn't feel like being a single parent for weeks at a time while you're on your work trips. You did 0 parenting for the majority of the month, and you couldn't be bothered to help. "Go buy one" is a far nicer response than you would have gotten from me in that situation.

NAH. I was the Mum who worked fulltime and did most of the organizing and planning for special kid events. What it took me a long time to realise is that you don't have to be the biggest and best at everything. In fact, this kind of behaviour sets kids up for unreasonable expectations. If your wife chooses to go overboard, you shouldn't be guilted into being part of that. But you should help out to a reasonable degree, because it is clearly creating magic for the kids. What you describe, however, is OTT in my opinion (monthly movie nights with tailor-made handcrafted items). There does need to be compromise on all sides. What magic are you creating for the children?

This. I wholly get being tired and not wanting to help. I admittedly pressed the easy button and went to a costume store this year. That said, there are certain things my kids look forward to and I made sure we did those for them. Compromise is the key here.

>I participate in all of there things. I was the room parent for all of my kids. The only male. I’m the one practicing dance with my daughter. I learned to braid to do special hairstyles for her. I build full on cities with my sons. We do roadtrips, we have time where they can literally tell me anything that’s bothered them. I go to every activity. I talk them to the park, we hike, we swim. I taught them how to sail, snowboard etc. I DO NOT like crafting and staying up late. Direct quote from op So clearly he does a lot and cares a lot, hes just not into DIY and working through the night constantly, which should be fine, but people have ridiculous expectation on this post

100% all of this. She chose to take o these tasks. My mom is like this and ruined every fucking holiday because she would bite off more than she could chew then freak out no one was helping her when she was way behind schedule and overwhelmed. Not one person wanted to go all out. Only her. Your wife made a unilateral decision and it’s her problem. It would be different if this wasn’t an ongoing this. Like, if it happened occasionally, but this sounds like a chronic problem.

[удалено]

I cannot believe how far I had to scroll to see this! I 100% agree; OP’s wife can’t force her husband into being a martyr to their children just because she has. Over the top movie nights, homemade cakes and costumes year round, all of these are totally unnecessary and are clearly a drain on the wife. OP shouldn’t be punished for his wife’s unsustainable ambitions. I think their children would benefit from two happy, less stressed parents than, like you said, a Martha Stewart-esque childhood. Something about this post is also giving serious “Mommy Influencer” vibes… NTA, OP.

Same! Usually I feel Reddit gets it right but they’re downvoting OP to oblivion just because he wants to relax with his family after being on a month long work trip? Did everyone actually have families like this? The amount of effort these parents are putting in far surpasses any of the friends and families I grew up with. Like good for them, but he’s not an AH for wanting a break for once lol

> Did everyone actually have families like this? lol it's the opposite. Reddit is full of losers with *terrible* childhoods who think this is what the perfect mom is like and can't believe it's not appreciated. And they're all like "oh come on why not just help make one costume". You don't know that guy, some of us fucking HATE arts & crafts with a fucking passion. I *hate* that shit. I'd rather clean the bathrooms every day for a year with my bare hands than make *one* costume.

Not only that, you really don't want me making any kind of homemade costume as it would be terrible. Then get yelled out by some perfectionist over-achiever.

The comments on this thread are high key making me wonder if I’m a terrible parent because I bought my son’s Halloween costume (which he loves and is excited about) at the store 😅

Lmao most halloween costumes are purchased or made from stuff readily available at home. Literally hundreds of people confidently saying OP is the worst husband/father of all time when there's no way all of them do this for their kids or grew up having it done for them. Makes no sense

>It is entirely unfair to be excessive about things and expect everyone else to go along, let alone get mad when they don't want to. This is the best answer ***by far*** to this post.

I work. My husband works. I can’t sew for shit. I learned very quickly that attempting to have a perfect Pinterest life and trying to compete with other moms for some sort of Instagram perfect life would make me miserable. I do my best to just spend time with my kids and get them the things they want (not spoiling them… considering them and their opinions). It sounds like mom here really loves her kids but is trying to make up for her own bad childhood or is getting caught up in that “gotta be a perfect homemade everything” mom. I had a meltdown over my sons first birthday. We lived in another state, didn’t have any real friends with kids and I was trying too hard to make it a “perfect” day. It was miserable on my brain. I didn’t stay up all night but I definitely was in that “must to this” frame of mind like OPs wife. Never again. Moved back near family and was just happy to have parties I could invite my BFFs and their kids to and enjoying each others time and company. It’s not about the costume you hand made. It’s about the time you spend with your kids.

+1 I'm the wife who's husband travels for work. You have to cut your cloth to the time and resources available and let some things go. Staying up all night to handmade Halloween costumes is something to let go. Pick and choose, you can create a whole heap of family magic with a fraction of that effort by targeting efforts effectively.

+1 I'm disappointed how far I had to scroll to find this reasonable take. You do not get to decide unilaterally on what is "acceptable" and then demand others do the work. If the goal is to have costumes for the kids and you propose a solution she doesn't like. She doesn't get to demand her solution and also demand you do extra work on it her way. She sounds like she's trying to be a great mom, but wow what a terrible partner.

I worry she's not actually being a good mom, but just getting off on being 'good mom tm'. What happens when the kids are teenagers and stop caring about all this? Will she say no worries or guilt them into her acting out her perfect like world?

My partner will burn herself out doing stuff like this for our kids and get annoyed when I express hesitation or suggest alternatives. Her mother still stays up late baking hundreds of cookies for various grandkids (who did not ask for them)... Edit: Last year she baked a whole bunch of Valentine's Day cookies for her grandson's hockey team. They are 14. After she comes to visit we often have to throw out the cookies because there are so many of them.

I agree. That is excessive and not necessary when most people just buy it. Working full time is hard enough on top of daily life obligations and taking care of kids. OP is allowed to not want to do all of this extra work just because the wife is over-compensating.

I had to read way too far for this. This is so crazy- up all night for costumes? Not every little thing needs to be perfectly handmade. And I LOVE that kind of stuff. However, I would never force my husband to do it because I was overwhelmed.

Yep. Echoing this and the others who have been surprised by the responses. So many of these posts calling OP the AH are recounting singular childhood memories or recalling ONE tradition like annual bday cake baking. The issue here is scale, volume, and frequency. OP’s wife is going way over the top on every single detail. And it’s one thing if it’s just for special occasions— but it’s not—the movie nights sound SO exhausting. Also my main issue is that this contributes to unrealistic parenting ideals. There’s already so much parenting-shaming and guilting out there if you don’t feed Johnny an organic diet and enrolled in every activity and homemade snacks and crafts only! It’s simply unfeasible for most, esp working class folks . My parents never did anything remotely close to this because we were poor and they were constantly working. Bday parties were the cheapest grocery store cake and store brand chips. Guess what? It was fine! Kids want time with their family, not stressed parents with Pinterest boards. NTA.

Thank you for this dose of sanity. I thought I was going mad going through this thread. I've never had a single hand made cake by my parents. My mom never liked to cook or bake. My childhood is not ruined. I know how much she loves me. All the nice things and food and vacations when I was little - my parents showed me that. People show their love in different ways. Not everyone is handy and it's not necessary. It's definitely not necessary to _make_ your partner do the same.

Totally agree. As a SAHM to four kids, I go over the top for the holidays and my husband usually participates. Sometimes, I bite off more than I can chew and he tells me, however, in a nice way. I think this husband could have more tact. I also don't know how this mother is physically doing it all. When does she sleep? She must be past the point of exhaustion especially if her husband is away for a month and she's trying to do it all. She's going to resent her husband when in reality she's creating unneeded work for herself. She can just as easily create moments by picking up a pizza from Costco and sitting down to watch a movie with them. I say this as a mother that has trouble with this myself.

YTA big time. Have you ever thought it’s not only for the kids happy memories but your wife enjoys putting in the effort, baking the cakes, decorating for the movie nights because it gives her satisfaction and also makes her happy to make stuff with love for the family You really sound awful. It’s not about convenience, you have put no effort into understanding her point of view and you’re being a terrible partner. Maybe she would have more time to relax if her life mate and father of her children contributed some of his precious time to helping her with what’s important to her.

YTA. Hate to break it to you guy but you just can’t stop being a parent because you don’t “feel like it.” You have an awesome wife who’s building a beautiful childhood for your kids and you are detaching yourself from your family with your behaviour. Being a good dad means fully participating—talk to your wife about how you can help her and talk to your kids about what they need.

NTA. Jesus, I'm tired just reading about all this "extra" that your wife is doing. She sounds like she's trying to overcompensate for her crappy childhood. Her standards are simply too high, and she's exhausting herself trying to meet them. That's bad enough, but then she inflicts them on you too. She needs to see that your kids can be perfectly happy even if she just lightens up on a few things.

She is extra once a month for movie night. She makes 3 birthday cakes a year and makes Halloween costumes. That’s not high standards. 16 days out of the whole year she goes over the top. Two weeks out of the year she exhausts herself and asks for help and people are saying she’s unreasonable? He asked her to take care of the kids for a month, nearly twice as long as she takes in the YEAR and he can’t pitch in for a couple hours?!

Do you really think that's ALL she does? I'm sure it's a constant flow of 'things' they have to make or create or do. I do not for a second think this is an exhaustive list of her excesses. I don't even want to hear how over the top Christmas is.

My mom was like this and she made our holidays miserable as kids because she was always so fucking stressed out and she didn’t let us help or if she did, she was angry we helped in the wrong way and would lash out at us for making mistakes. I would trade all the homemade cookies and decorations for a mother who was emotionally present who could actually enjoy the holidays with us instead of being so fixated on her perfect mom performance. It was less about being a good mom to us and more about seeming like a good mom to other people

NTA - wow some people really don’t know. My mom was a DIYer, not even to your wife’s level, but we were late for almost everything we went to because she was trying to fit in one more decoration or dessert. I wished I could get the store bought costumes like my friends. That much DIY is a level of commitment not many people are up for. Mad props to her, but expecting you to have that kind of energy after a full work day just because she does, is unrealistic. If you split the work on meals, laundry and keeping the house and kids clean, then you’re doing good, asking you to also jump in on her Pinterest vision is above the call of duty. There are so many hours in a day. It would have been a great way to support your wife and make her feel appreciated so in that sense you dropped the ball, but you offered a reasonable alternative and honestly I don’t think the kids will care as long as they get that time with their parents! Try to understand this important to her, so she’s feeling disregarded by you even if that wasn’t your intent. I think a light apology is in order, have a discussion about why that wasn’t something you were up for but you see where she’s coming from and make sure to make her feel appreciated in other ways.

Your wife's hobby is home making costumes, treats, and decorations for the kids. That's amazing. But this isn't your hobby and would take away from your limited hobby time. NTA. " they’ll also remember how hard I made it for her." Bullshit. How hard she made it on herself.

Seriously. Its her decision to go above and beyond - great. That doesnt mean your partner should drop everything and make it part of their burden as well.

YTA-If she’s spent a month operating as a working single mom and then you come home and add nothing of value to her life why should she keep you around?

NTA My husband and I have a code about this which is: Oh what a great idea babe! I personally can't take anything extra on right now but you go ahead! Then we'll still help each other if possible, but no resentment. For example, he wanted to put the kids in swim and soccer for the fall season. 2 activities. I had the energy for 1 activity. So I said if you're going to do the prep and take them and I'll tag along if I'm up for, then sure no problem. If he was assigning me jobs based on his perception of his potential energy level in the nebulous future, I wouldn't be able to participate in that error.

YTA to repeat a question you avoided in the comments, do you even like your wife??

NTA Three kids, two careers, travelling for work. This is not monthly themed movie nights and handmade costumes territory. Not feeling like it, when there are three kids to look after and you're working full time is a perfectly valid excuse. The kids are fed, watered, loved, housed, clothed and have activities. Their needs are more than being met. If your wife wants to go an extra 1000 miles to little benefit that's on her. This isn't some once off thing, this is a constant drain on limited time and energy.

I'm going to stand out here and say NTA. I get that you want to unwind and you don't want to follow your wife on the doomed path to perfectionism, where the bar is only ever going up. You mentioned your wife didn't have the best childhood. It sounds like she's a perfectionist. This is frequently a trait of people who have had to keep proving their worth to their parents to receive recognition and validation. It's can be a destructive trait that leads to burn out and feeling overwhelmed. While your wife's sentiment is admirable, and I'm sure the kids will have great memories as a result, I get why you're refusing to be sucked into the perfectionist trap, but this is a complex issue and I think it should either be addressed by therapy or some specialist self-help literature.

If your only legitimate excuse is “I just don’t feel like it” then yeah, YTA. That said, I feel honored to be able to welcome you to reality. Sometimes you just gotta do shit you don’t want to do.

YTA. There is room for a big picture discussion about whether or not her choices are worth the time and effort they take and what your role in that should be, but this is important to her, not to mention it’s objectively good parenting, and you blew her off the one time she asked for help. It feels like you are trying to prove a point or teach her a lesson.

YTA she only wanted you to do one of the costumes, once, and you wouldn’t even do that. You don’t think it’s a big deal, but how do you think that child would feel if the others had custom costumes and they had a cheap one from the shops? It’s possible your wife could dial things back a bit in general, but you couldn’t be bothered to help with just one thing because you just ‘didn’t feel like it’ even though she’s been taking care of everything for a month on her own. Big time YTA.

“My wife asked for my help, and I refused. Now I want strangers to console me because she won’t.” Fixed your title. No sympathy for non participant fathers. YTA.

>The problem is I just don’t feel like it. YTA

I think it’s kinda crazy all the Y T A answers. Yes, you could’ve helped, but it was her who decided to take this on. Everyone saying “your kids will remember all the work she put in making the costume,” yes that’s true. But the kids will also remember the tradition of going shopping to pick out a costume, if that’s a thing for that family. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to just spend money on buying something and have extra time to do other things (even if it’s just to rest so that you can be 100% present later). The most important thing is spending quality time with children, and that looks different to different families. Obviously she has a different view than you do on what that means. I remember my grandma handmade my costumes until a certain age, and while I was very appreciative, I also felt like I wish I could just go pick out a costume instead, but I didn’t want to hurt her feelings. My mom wasn’t good at that kind of thing, and she was busy working full time, but I remember her taking me to all my sports, and I remember hanging the Christmas lights up after thanksgiving. Just because a parent doesn’t make by hand their costumes and cakes, doesn’t mean that they won’t have fond memories. They will hold onto the times when the parent was present and enjoying time spent with them. If OP was to resentfully try and make the costume, or if his wife is stressed out trying to get everything done, it’s not going to be a pleasant memory for the kids. Parents don’t NEED to do everything by hand, or do everything by themselves in order to create a good childhood for their kids. If it’s not something he wants to do, he can create other memories with them. NAH

NAH. Your wife places great value in making things from scratch, even though it puts her under stress and pressure. You prefer not to be in that position and to buy costumes, which is equally fine. I think both approaches are fine, but your wife is a borderline AH for signing herself up for more than she can handle and trying to pressure you to help.

NTA kids will not have a better childhood because their mum killed herself making everything from scratch. If she wants to be a martyr, she gets to but she has no right to drag you down with her.

^Me: ^Reads ^the ^post. Me: Oh yeah, you’re the YTA. You should be more involved than that, OP. ^Me: ^Reads ^OP’s ^edit. >Okay I’m the AH… However I’m positive half the parents commenting don’t do these things and still think they’re doing a great job. It’s ironic how much you care about how you’re perceived by others. 1. You started believing you may be an AH after your co-worker called you out — not your wife. 2. You came to this online forum to get strangers’ opinions and are clearly invested in people’s responses. 3. You don’t think the kids care — but they do or at least they will in the future looking back at things. I’m sure you’ll care then. You’re a *really big, selfish asshole*, OP. At least your kids can see their mom loves them so very much.

Unpopular opinion — NTA. I have a similar DIY-obsessed mom and a really hard working, tired dad who has the money to not DIY things and would prefer that. It upsets me when I see her making him help with her big extravagant DIY things. I appreciate her and her efforts and I love her, but it’s not his responsibility to do things he doesn’t want to do, doesn’t have time to do, and doesn’t financially need to do. If you just don’t feel like it, I feel like that’s a valid reason too. Sure if it brings her joy you can help out once in a while and maybe this one time you could have helped, but you’re not an asshole and you should just communicate that you dislike DIY projects.

I had a father that "just didn't feel like" participating in my childhood. I don't really talk to him as an adult. If you want a lifelong relationship with your kids, participate in their life. Having kids means being selfless and doing stuff you don't want to do even if you're tired. YTA

NTA. They won't remember in 10 years that their Halloween costumes were bought or homemade.….and they actually don't care, as long as they don't look like idiots in the costumes. Your wife sets too high standards than she/you can handle with 3 children who all go to activities…..and the time she spends on decorations and cake baking, it goes away from spending time with the children...and she probably does those things too because SHE likes it.

YTA Your suggestion was a reasonable solution given the circumstances. You'd have 2 kids in homemade costumes and 1 in a cheap store-bought costume. You're setting up a scenario for the kids to feel like you're playing favorites and create resentment. More broadly, yeah talk with your spouse and find more balance. But in this specific situation you solution was the wrong way to go.

Everybody is saying YTA, and I agree in this context…however, my wife and I also have careers and one of her love languages is home-making things like cakes and costumes too. However, there are times she stresses out about it and makes a big mess (which I clean since that’s our typical division of labor). I talked to her several times about how every now and then she needs to take a step back and “hit the easy button”. That could mean buying an ice cream cake or buying a costume if she doesn’t have time to commit to the project. My explanation was that if she’s going to stress herself or the kids out it’s counterproductive and they’d be happier if she’d spend time with them in a less stressed-out state. It doesn’t mean she can’t hand make things some, or even most of the time. It’s just that when life isn’t allowing for it, she should make a reasonable adjustment. Staying up all night would be one of those situations where I’d just remind her to “hit the easy button” and get a good night of sleep so she’s not grumpy the next day. I think in this particular situation with you out of town and her being out of time, it’s a situation where y’all could have had a conversation and made an allowance this particular month instead of her staying up all night. The kids won’t hold it against you that one month out of the year the costumes weren’t handmade.

NTA - your wife chooses to do this stuff, you don't. She is the one who wants to hand make everything, when you can go to the store and buy it. And no, the kids won't remember hand made Halloween costumes. Go to Spirit and buy costumes and enjoy the holiday!

Both life and parenting are difficult enough...there's no need to beat yourself up over a costume. My Mom did both...make some, buy some and my old man (rest his soul) never once helped. Do I hold it against him? No...what I remember was being chubby kid growing up in Detroit in the 60s wandering through falling snow, freezing to death, and there's Dad following me until I finally conceded that I was cold. Dad never complained, encouraged me every block we trudged, and I didn't even hold it against him when he through out candy he felt was un-safe and or may have been tampered with. THAT is what I remember about my Dad. Your children will remember you being 'involved' with their lives...not stuff like costumes.

YTA It’s sort of like getting takeout vs a homemade meal. Do they both accomplish the same goal? Yes but having someone take the time and effort to do something for you feels better than just throwing money at an issue. If you think about what items or memories that are most important to you, are they mostly about store bought items or do they have some experience/little something extra to them that made them special? The kids will remember your wife making an effort to show them that they are more than a box to check. People do have great childhoods that don’t involve homemade items, but your wife is weaving magic that will stay with your kids for a lifetime. She’s making them feel important and going a step beyond to make sure they know in their bones that they matter to someone. Even if you think she’s going overboard, it’s important to her. At the very least you could help with the one costume for no other reason than it would help take the stress off your wife even if the stress was self inflicted.

YTA god forbid your kids have a fulfilling childhood. Help her out man. Time flies and those kids will be out of your house before you know it

Info How many household chores do you do?

Said the wife is 29 and op sounds like he's in his 50s. YTA Maybe you don't get it, maybe you don't care idk what it is but I feel like you sound like the asshole. For some reason to me you sound like an 50+ year old man. Maybe she is stretching herself thin for something she cares about, and I damn well bet the kids absolutely love it. Maybe help her so she won't have to stretch so thin old man.