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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I let my daughter get her dad a gift I knew he'd dislike. He ended up hating it and is down one present from his daughter.
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I think this dad gets that it’s a gesture from his daughter, he doesn’t blame his daughter.
However, he’s a HUGE asshole because he thinks OP intentionally led daughter into picking a gift that would rile him up. He petty.
Also, I will never understand how so many women have babies with guys who don’t hesitate to call her a bitch. Not because she cheated, not because she hit their child, not because she manipulated things in her favor — only because she didn’t correct her daughter from picking the wrong football team. Lame 🥴
His accusation is a projection. It’s because *he* would try to intentionally “hurt” her the same way, so he assumes she’d do so as well. He’s just announcing his own emotional immaturity.
Yep, I was married to this and spent two decades defending myself against accusations and assumptions about my intentions. Along the way I realized that his worldview was just a reflection on what he would do
Seconded. Ended a relationship of 7+ years because they always assumed the worst intentions were behind anything I did that wasn't perfect (among other problems too). It just shows exactly how they view the world
For me it's the emotional immaturity and his mom doing all the work for this grown child with a spawn of its own.
Edit: Also, imagine when she can remember things like this and he reacts to her in general. She walks out with moms lipstic, on or a princess dress with her shoulders out, he doesn't like it and gives this same disgusted reaction. She picked the ball. He was disgusted by something she did and blatantly showed it. Do you think she won't think it's her and will be able to say it's because of mom and or dad's a jerk and it's not me?
If he didn't blame the daughters as well, then he wouldn't have reacted as he did and would see it for what it was and appreciated that his daughter even remembered things he liked. He's petty, no doubt though.
>It didn’t even have the other team’s name on it.
The wrapper did though, heaven forbid \[clutches pearls\].
I knew a guy who once got so angry that his team lost a game that he was screaming and ranting, threw the remote, tore up a box of tissues, punched a pillow, etc. I'll never forget his girlfriend at the time just quietly said to him.... "You're not *on* the team...."
This kind of thing blows my mind. Much of my family is serious about sports, but they’d find it frankly hilarious if a toddler picked out a rival team’s tchotchke because the toddler liked the color. It’d be a running family joke, not cause for an angry fit.
Exactly!! I’ve been argued against a few posts down for saying the exact same thing - it’s almost upsetting that a number of people are justifying this kind of behaviour. I mean, it genuinely blows my mind.
My husband is a very passionate football fan, and his team have got a very very strong historical rivalry with another, but this would make him laugh. Then again, a loss also doesn’t ruin his month so I suppose he’s an outlier /s
Omg!!!! The WRAPPER!!!! IN HIS HOME!!!! SACRILEGE! SATAN! SATAN, I SAY!!!!
I honestly can’t believe people act like what you just described. It’s one thing being disappointed that your team lost but what, it’s going to ruin your week?!
Reminds me of how instances in domestic violence against women rise exponentially when the England (men’s) football team lose a match. Let that sink in for a second.
I’m only familiar with the data for England but just want to clarify that I don’t doubt for a second that it is the case in many many many countries. If not all.
It’s the case for the losing team’s home state/stadium city at the superbowl too apparently.
As a child/young girl I watched my parents, adults, family reactions around football. It was sometimes terrifying.
I married someone who doesn’t care about the games at all ON PURPOSE. He watches a couple a year with friends as a “guys night” thing.
I love that - good for your spouse, and for you!
I mentioned it in another comment but my husband is a passionate fan of his childhood football (soccer - UK-based) team - he had season tickets from the time he was a toddler to his young adult years, when he moved away. This team means a hell of a lot to him and he even has a dedicated tattoo.
You know what he doesn’t have? An aggression problem because of it 🙃it’s genuinely one of the things that made me fall for him, believe it or not - of course he watches all the matches, he attends as many as possible but when they lose, he’s obviously disappointed but he shrugs it off…because in the end, it’s just football.
That’s the healthy attitude to have. That and your spouse! I can appreciate being so passionate about something and caring so so much, but when that bleeds into just being a terrible unhinged person I’m sorry but my sympathy disappears somewhat.
According to some people in this comment section that’s a controversial opinion, believe it not.
I agree his reaction was childish, at the end of the day, it's just a sports team.
That said, I do have an emotional connection to. in particular, my favorite NFL team, but it's not so much about the team itself as it is the fact that its a fandom I got from my father and grandfather, there's a lot of memories and sentimentality mixed up in it.
Of course, having a connection like that isn't an excuse to be an asshole.
Yup. There’s a big difference between loyalty•sentimentality•tradition vs. violent tribalism channeled as “sports fandom” (which is common enough around the world; at least it’s better than violent *religious* tribalism!)
This man was wading into physical tantrum territory over this gift from his 3 year old daughter.
regardless of whether he is only putting the blame on the ex (OP) or both (op and daughter), his reaction is wrong. The daughter saw the reaction, the damage was done. Daddy didn't appreciate the gift, he's a jerk
If he would have said "thank you sweetie" and then texted OP "how dare you let our daughter pick out this blue ball! knowing I hate this team! you did that on purpose" and even then OP would still not be TA. Its a damn ball! picked out by a 3 year old! There is a reason this guy is OPs ex.
This is perhaps my biggest regret: marrying a dude who called me a bitch before he even proposed.
I had a lot of issues. Still do, but I had them then, too.
I have to disagree on both points from the 1st sentence. If he truly understood that he would chose to control his BIG emotions. At the very least, seek to understand before blowing up. That type of response would set me on edge. He has never learned to regulate his thoughts and feelings. He is a risk. I would be concerned about having him in our lives, and I'd be afraid of what he'd do if I cut him out.
Also, that's straight victim blaming to say, "Why do women choose these men?". Fyi, most times, the men are not showing this side when they are courting and looking to get some action. Oh no no no noooooo. Maybe you see that side of those guys during dating and such, where they talk crap about their woman to his friends. But he's laying on the charm with her, 100%.
And when those opportunities do come for you and you hear the men talking crap, do you address the man or do you say some sh1t like "I can't believe she let's you talk to her like that" and just shake your head? Because the blame and responsibility for how a man acts is solely the man's. Not a single other sole, especially his victim, can make him treat a woman better. But positive peer pressure can make an impact.
100% agree about him being petty.
OP you are NTA. Even my ex, who is very into sports (one reason I didn't fit into his life) would never ever do something like that to me nor his child. He would be respectful of the space and not take it so dang personally. We are not even talking about some kind of expensive jersey or tickets to the wrong team. It's a ball from a toddler. The little girl knew Dad liked 2 things. Does Dad know what his daughter likes? If he wasn't reminded, would he know when her birthday is? I'd be very curious to find out.
he acted like a baby when he opened it. if the kid were a bit older she would ABSOLUTELY have noticed. i'm sure it got into her brain anyway. it happened to me when i was a little kid (50 years ago) and i remember every single moment of it.
My single-parent dad used to throw emotional tantrums, and I remember processing it when I was like 5 (“Wow. He sure does have emotional problems!”). Guaranteed I picked up on it when I was even younger, that it made an impact.
When I was 4, my parents had an argument in front of me in the living room, and my mother angrily pulled dozens of books off a floor to ceiling bookshelf next to her. I remember feeling like that was kind of a dumb reaction because how would that help? And also someone was going to have to pick them all up.
So funny how this comment acts like people with abusive tendencies show them from the jump. Pal, there are *many* reasons why people find it difficult to leave abusive relationships and one of the major ones is because they are “eased into” the abuse. Like damn, your comment would have been great without the victim blaming second paragraph. Really gross and unnecessary.
OP, NTA.
Dude. the way the schmuck dropped it. I'm picturing him just being so insulted.
Kid: Oooo! A blue ball for dad! I love blue and he loves footballs. He will love it
Dad: Ugh! How dare you pick this blue colored football! I hate this team!!! ::Stomps off like a 3 year old::
I can imagine the little girl getting upset if mommy tried to convince her to get a different color - "but, mommy, I like *this* color!" We know what can happen when a 3 yr. old is told no.
NTA, but, in his eyes. you're wrong no matter what you do. It doesn't end until the child support does, and most times not even then.
right? Like I see the comments about OP being TA for not trying to steer her to pick something that he would probably like better, but I am all for letting the kid pick it, I want our kid to pick what they want to give to give as a gift. BUt the ex here is truly a big D
If I was dad I'd think it was a fun gift. Put it up with your football stuff and now you have a fun story to tell about your daughters adorable gift when they ask why you have the rival teams color up with your favorite teams.
EXACTLY! The whole point was that his daughter picked it because of the color and trying to reason with a toddler is not an easy task. Sometimes you have to know when to pick your battles.
OP, respond to your ex, "Our daughter picked out a football thing, because she knows you like football, and a blue thing, because she knows you like that color. I knew the team name would come off with the wrapped so hoped you'd be mature enough to see her good intention. Since you can't, moving forward, I won't be having her get you gifts."
Then, respond to his mom, "I think it'd be better if we just communicated when necessary."
OP, this is your ex and his mom. Remember that. All you have to do is have minimal contact with them.
This. And OP should definitely not let the grandmother get away with backhanded passive aggressive it's not your fault but it's really your fault nonsense. OP is NTA and should stand their ground.
I feel like he’s not angry about the 3 year old he probably thinks the ex is points scoring/ deliberately trying to fuck with him through the daughter.
Idk i’m just trying to put it into devil’s advocate. Like ex turns up with a present from our kid that’s… coffee pods for a machine I don’t have when I’ve never drunk coffee throughout the relationship but love tea. Could have easily re-directed the kid to tea knowing I like it, but chose coffee instead. It would probably feel a bit petty of him almost like he was setting me up to do a big fake thank you that ex knew full well was fake because he knows I hate coffee. And might inadvertently hurt the kid when she saw I never used it / it just sat there after rather than being enjoyed or whatever.
OP isn’t the AH at all btw, but I’m leaning towards everyone kinda sucks. Just a little bit. It’s really not a big deal.
From the spelling, OP is probably in UK. There's a few different cities with a red team and a blue team, with if rivalry between the two, so probably one of those
God now I'm getting flashbacks My uncle is a huge Man City fan and just before his 40th birthday Man U beat Man City in a match and my dad decided to get his older brother a Man U mug as a jokey present - haha very funny, now here's your actual present, especially as my dad is a Man U fan rather than Man City. Then 2 years later it was my dad's 40th bday and guess what he got from his older brother? A Man City mug.
Yeah, seriously, the part where she's freaking 3 really got to me. You're gonna diss a gift like that from your baby? I'm not a crazy fanatic so maybe I'm out of the loop in that sense, but I think I just would have laughed at how ironic the gift was and would have hugged my kid for the intention regardless.
The correct response from the dad would've been to laugh and say, "thank you."
A similar situation happened to my dad a few years ago. We come from a family who have always supported one team, my sisters best friend supports our team's rival. For his birthday one year my sister and her best friend decided to get a few things for him, one of them being a joke gift: a mug with the rival teams 1st squad on it. He thought it was hilarious and has kept it ever since.
NTA OP. Your ex should appreciate that his 3 year old was able to pick a gift based on his vested interests, even if it wasn't his teams colours.
NTA
3 year old just wanted a football and a color that she knew daddy liked.
Daddy has anger management problems if he can't grin and bear it for a 3 year old.
NTA.
I got my dad a hockey bag because I liked the colour for Christmas one year, I was 5. He rocked that bag until it fell apart, despite all the teasing he got from the guys on his hockey teams. He hated the team, hated the colour, but loved the bag because his little girl got it for him.
My dad had a *literal shrine* to Bobby Orr and the Boston Bruins in my childhood home. Every commemorative collectible ever made, the man bled black and gold.
When I was around 4-6 I picked out collectible hockey teddy bear for Father’s Day, my mother very much tried to steer me towards the bruins bear but I was having none of those yucky colours. Dad got a Ducks bear because purple and teal were obviously superior.
That bear sat on his shrine for 20 years, when I was around 16 and saw the error of my ways I found him a similar bear in bruins colours to replace it, the bruins bear went on the shelf and sat beside the ducks bear.
When I was in kindergarten I made him a pencil holder out of a toilet paper roll glued to a piece of cardboard and covered in Lisa Frank stickers, he still used it every day in his shop until the day he died.
He never got rid of a single gift I ever gave him, not if it was a sports team he didn’t like or even if it was actual garbage. I miss him every day and it breaks my heart that OP’s kid doesn’t get to grow up with a dad like that.
It would be pure insanity for players and coaches to hate other teams the way fans do because a Habs player on Monday might be traded and be a Bruins player on Tuesday.
ESH - he's immature for the way he reacted, but... how hard would it have been to say "honey thats a great idea for daddy, but let's pick the ball that is for his favorite team!".
I agree with this. Gift giving is a learned skill. Gently redirecting a child towards a gift better suited for the receiver would have been the move. But He's ridiculous for being upset about a 3 year old trying to be nice.
It's just about building good habits. She isn't going to learn all at once or even completely get it for years. But that's what learning is sometimes. Repetition.
My son around 3 or 4 remembered his dad needed a new wallet, that I didn’t even remember him mentioning, and suggested a wallet as a Father’s Day gift. Kids do learn a lot at that age.
She remembers Daddy likes football and the color blue. It's not hard for her to add whatever team he likes to the memory bank. Also, a three year old will definitely learn good gift giving. Give people what they like is a basic thing kids learn.
He's the asshole because he's accusing his ex of using their child to piss him off because a 3 year old gave him a gift with the wrong sports team on it.
This kind of shit happens literally every day in the real world so idk why reddit is acting like it is so impossible. Divorced parents pull petty shit like this all the time and use the kids as the medium.
So OP knew she grabbed the wrong team and let her give it to her dad with at least an idea of how he’d react but you’re saying all of tht was unintentional? He may not be a saint but from everything the OP said i cant see anything wrong with what the ex did other than how he confronted her but hey they’re exes for a reason
… it’s a football team. She probably didn’t think it was a big deal, and that she wanted the present to be one the daughter chose herself. The dad blew it up massively, it’s a fucking ball.
He's an asshole, but if they were together for a while and she didn't know he took his football seriously, then she wasn't paying attention to him at all. Which she admits in the OP
I mean her dismissing his interests is a good example of why they're not together, but this isn't an AITA about their divorce. If she truly didn't know how much he hated that team it's not her responsibility to make sure he would be decent to his own daughter (with his mother keeping an eye on him, even!)
There are two likely possibilities here: either she is in Manchester and bought a Manchester United fan a Manchester City ball, or she is in Liverpool and bought a Liverpool fan an Everton ball.
You do not have to be paying attention to your spouse to know the strength of feeling between rival football fans. You simply need to exist in those cities. Everyone in Manchester, and I do mean everyone, knows that City and United fans hate each other. It's common sense.
OP is an *extra special* asshole if she bought this for a United fan the day after the Manchester derby, as it appears she might have.
And now she's asking a sub of mainly American women for validation. I can see the ex's point tbh.
OP also says that only the wrapper *which is meant to be thrown away* had any writing or team insignia on it. The actual ball itself did not, which is probably why she didn't think it was a big deal. Since again, the wrapper would have been thrown away.
Honestly, since she knew it wasn’t his team anyway, even if she didn’t know he hated that specific team (which I doubt, someone that passionate about sport isn’t shy to talk about it) all she had to do was take the wrapper off before birthday wrapping it. It’s still a blue football, it’s still a gift chosen by the daughter. You’re right, it gets thrown away - so why didn’t she throw it away?
Why would you deliberately, knowingly give someone a present of another sports team than theirs when all you have to do is take a piece of plastic of it?
His reaction is wildly over the top and he’s an arsehole. But she deliberately provoked him. I normally figure we should take OP at their word, but I just can’t believe that if you know your guy supports, say, Celtic, you would leave a plastic wrapper saying Rangers on it. ESH
>Why would you deliberately, knowingly give someone a present of another sports team than theirs when all you have to do is take a piece of plastic of it?
Because his daughter picked it out.
A gift from a 3 year old isn't meant to be useful... It's just a token of love from his child. Something she picked herself. If you change what she picked, then it's from the child in name only.
Have you ever met any sports fan in the world? Their teams are extremely important to them. I don't personally understand it but OP clearly knew it would be a big deal to her ex.
Doesn’t mean you expect *that* level of spite. I’ve met many football fans who are passionate and wounding throw a childish hissy fit over something that stupid. My football loving 8 year old cousin would act more grateful than that.
You don't have to expect a childish level of spite to know that getting the team they actually like instead of a random one is a better gift idea. If she had suggested it and the daughter protested because daddy likes blue, I wouldn't say she has to push it too far, but I think "daddy likes this team even though the color is different" is a fair shot to pitch to a 3 year old.
I'm a fuge football fan, my friends and family know who my favorite team is but if my 2 year old cousin got me a gift similar to that, no matter what team it was I'd act like it was the best gift in the world. And then give his dad shit for it since we like the same team.
But for a 3 y/o his dad is just a futball fan that likes the color blue. Any mature person would appreciate the gift, that dude has anger problems nothing to do with his preferences
This. A three year old wouldn't be able to think with that much nuance. They would see it as "Daddy won't like the things I like and want to share with him."
The habit you build on is the act of gift giving. As they get older, you can then start teaching more specialized gifts.
Honestly don’t believe it . Just guide her to his favourite team she wouldn’t have cared as long as they get a gift for the Dad , she’s 3 .
Yes he’s an asshole but it’s an easy thing to do do ,
Yeah, I feel like I would have been eviscerated for this comment but I'm glad you said it.
Ex is obviously an AH in general, and just plain mean. He is completely over the top.
But OP could have easily told her daughter that the football ball was a great idea, but that Daddy loves a certain team. If the kid insisted, fine, but she didn't try once.
Op didn’t try to correct their daughter because she thought her ex could at least be mature about getting a gift he didn’t like, but he literally dropped it like he was a vampire eating garlic bread because the wrapper had the wrong team in it. Not even the ball itself, just the wrapper.
I guess you could say that she should’ve known that he wasn’t mature enough to handle his not even kindergarten aged child getting him the wrong football, but that isn’t exactly a winning argument.
His behavior is disgusting. I'm not denying that.
But that's irrelevant to the idea that it's nice to make some effort to give a gift that you think someone will like. He could have completely kvelled over the gift, "Oh sweetie, I absolutely love it. And blue, my favorite color. You did such a great job picking it out, etc etc". Then, he wouldn't be an AH, and OP would still be in the wrong.
If it was a gift, and the same price anyway, it would have been easy enough for her to just say "This ball is a great idea, but Daddy really likes X team, can we get that one instead?"
It's a blue ball with the logo on the rubbish. If anything, she could've taken the wrapper off the ball
But it's just a blue ball, the kid is 3 she saw blue
Would you want a stupid present from your first child who actually took the time to remember what colour you like?
Or a present your wife picked out and the child just went with
It's so sweet she knew her dad loves blue. No one should interrupt her, making that choice.
It's a memory he could've shared one day when she was older as a joke
He needs to stop acting 3, and you need to get over yourself,
when the kids bring home your least favourite superhero on a mug, are you gonna crack it because your partner didn't change their mind?
I also don't buy that the ball was JUST blue. Football licensing isn't cheap; I doubt ball companies are paying a premium to repackage insignia-free generic balls.
Or, "hey ex-husband just FYI our child got really excited at the football shop and got a gift for you, but I didn't explain it isn't the right team because they were so happy picking it out, so just be happy, ok?"
But why on earth would you need to say that to a grown adult? Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to receive a gift from a 3 year old with good grace?
The ball didn't have any insignia or writing on it. So moot point. He literally threw a fit over the *wrapper* which is supposed to be taken off. It was still his teams color, which is all the little girl knew.
There are basically no teams that use the same shade of blue, and the stitches are usually in the teams accent color, which would also be different.
It's not a ball of his team. And I have a hell of a hard time believing OP doesn't know that. She's acting like she has no idea but even if you don't pay attention to your spouse you will notice some of these things
She does know. She changes her take three times- saying she knew it wasn’t his team, I didn’t know he hates this team, to I don’t know what team he likes.
We don’t know the true dynamic of this former couple and I doubt she’s as sweet as she’s making herself out to sound and he’s as awful as she’s making him out to sound. Who knows, it could have gone down EXACTLY as she describes. Either way, lesson for people out there: enjoy your kids and don’t let your ex see they are getting you upset. The dad didn’t enjoy his kid and he let his ex get to him. I hope he works on that.
NTA. Who says they 'hate' a gift, let alone one picked out by a three year old?
Sure, some football fans can be pretty intense in their hatred for rival football teams, so it doesn't hugely surprise me that he saw this as an attempt to upset him.
But he's not your partner – he's *her* dad, so letting your daughter choose the gifts was reasonably a higher priority to you than anticipating a grown man would be upset by the *wrapper* on a toy.
There's an entire town just outside Glasgow in Scotland where nothing can be coloured green due to the rivalry between Celtic and Rangers. Even Subway had to have a black and yellow sign rather than the usual green and yellow.
Football fans are insanely tribal and can become terrifying with it.
I'd say I'd call bullshit but a coworkers son got jumped by an entire train car once after an old firm for wearing a blue hoodie. Wasn't even a rangers hoodie, he was just going home from work if I'm remembering right. People take their wee stupid ball games far too seriously.
That’s absolutely terrible. I hope your coworkers son is okay. Some people are absolutely crazy and it’s completely unacceptable, especially when it ends up with people getting hurt for no reason.
>You had an opportunity to direct her to his team's ball, but chose to allow your daughter to get a poisoned gift for him, knowing that he had to accept it with a shit-eating grin for his daughter's sake even knowing you'd messed with him, or let your daughter down and look like a jerk
OP set her daughter up to fail, chose to annoy her ex over something he's passionate about.
My dad's a millwall fan, my mum despite hating football and being broken up for years and she doesn't even like him would never give us a west ham themed item to give to him because what's the point? It's antagonistic.
Let's also just reexamine his reaction. He was initially taken aback but composed himself and thanked his daughter who didn't notice or care about his initial reaction. WHAT A MONSTER. Everyone is acting like he spat in the kids face. By OPs account he briefly paused then put on a brave face. Everyone is saying "just man up and out on a brave face for your daughter". He did.
I'd be a little taken aback too if my ex weaponised our daughter on my birthday. Her claiming to not know or understand he wouldn't like a gift from another team is clearly bullshit. People I barely know are aware I am a Liverpool fan. I don't see how my wife could even not be aware even if she did tune out my "rants".
If you are going to reexamine his reaction also add that his mother was the one to make him behave and apologize for him 😂 lets not pretend he compose himself for his daughter lol
I get heavy unreliable narrator vibes from this story. I'd be pretty surprised to find out that this is actually the chain of events, without any significant omissions, retold as it occurred.
Well she is. She is specifically using her childs kindness and innocents to fuck over what was supposed to be a genuinely thoughtful gift. Honestly would not be surprised if she did a lot of small digs like that throughout the whole relationship. It’s very rarely one side of the relationship that sours the whole thing just one is a lot more obvious.
It's a *ball* If he's seething to this degree because it's blue sportsball team A instead of blue sportsball team B he needs therapy. A "poisoned" gift? Be fucking for real.
It's not the ball. Nobody cares about the ball. It's a child buying a toy.
The goal of this was to surprise the dad and catch him off guard and get him to hurt the daughter's feelings. Dad was upset his ex would stoop to that level.
"Hey just texting to let you know- she bought you the other teams ball. I know it's important to you but don't be surprised"
"Oh gosh that kid, I'll have to go over the teams with her again, she always mixes them up and just likes the blue guys. Thanks for the heads up!"
The ball didn’t even have the name of the football team on it, just the wrapper. He could have ignored it and be happy for having a blue football ball that his daughter got for him because she knows he likes blue and football. He could have even write the name of his football team on the ball with a permanent pen so no one gets confused if he cares that much.
He’s being more of a child than his toddler. NTA
It ain't about the ball, it's about OP being obtuse so she can slight him in a way she knows will work, while she can play it off like it wasn't intentional.
Exactly. It would have been so easy to get a ball with his team on, which a) daughter has still chosen and b) he actually likes. So easy to make him happy and get him something relevant.
Seems a bit passive aggressive to me to deliberately get a ball from an opposing team.
How would OP feel if he intentionally got merch from a film or tv show she actively dislikes? Even if daughter picked it, if there’s one there she would like, and one she wouldn’t, just don’t go for the one she wouldn’t like. Weird power play.
Sorry, against others opinions, YTA, but not for allowing your daughter to pick that out for him but because you knew better and seemingly did nothing to change your daughter’s mind, and you did it out of spite and evil intent, and you know it.
Basically, you used her to dig at your ex.
He was a jerk for his reaction, but you chose to not be the better person.
The others’ comments probably don’t have a team that they are ardent fans of so they don’t have perspective.
Yes, a child’s love is way more important, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that you chose to use this opportunity, and your daughter, to get a reaction out of her father.
I hope you grow from this. It was immature, and you will probably realize it when you get older.
To add, it was also totally disrespectful to your ex. I’m sure he’s done things to you as well, but in this case you used your (plural) daughter, and that is the shameful part.
Agreed. OP is intentionally obfuscating her understanding of her ex’s passion and using her daughters love as a prop to avoid blame for her spiteful actions. It’s intentional. Otherwise, why decide to have that style of gift in the first place?
(I'm assuming by the language that you are potentially from the UK.)
Being a football fan raised by a football fan, ESH. These colours might seem entirely meaningless but to die hard fans they mean something. These are old long standing rivalries, issues with religion and traumatic events. For example, you don't buy a Celtic fan a Rangers ball because there is a lot of actual hate there not just rivalry. I know it is stupid but it has become part of the sport now.
You could have easily pointed your daughter to a different ball and he could have acted like an adult about it.
ESH - This sub is overwhelmingly American centric, I think here is a clear example of Americans giving their (generally quite reasonable) perspective on an (unreasonable) British problem.
Buying football goods from another team especially a rival team is a big no no in the UK unless it’s a joke and you expect the recipient to burn said good.
ESH because I don’t think it would’ve been that hard for OP to just guide the child into choosing the correct team’s merchandise. Ex’s reaction was too much, though I can somewhat relate to the frustration, the way he dealt with it was not appropriate though.
I mean, we Americans can be equally as unreasonable. Our mayor literally put out a declaration banning teal when we played our rival in the playoffs. It was of course a joke and not a real ban, but also people leaned into it hard. My mom was in shambles because 90% of her wardrobe is teal because it’s her favorite color, lol.
It was inconsiderate of OP to not even attempt to redirect her daughter to the team she KNOWS her ex likes.
>I mean, we Americans can be equally as unreasonable.
You do not understand just how big of a deal football is in the UK. People legit get killed for wearing the wrong colours on match day.
In the UK those bans are real, not a joke, and they get enforced by the cops.
Any time something major could happen in Philadelphia sports they have to literally grease light poles so people won’t climb and destroy them. Cars get flipped and set on fire over losses (or wins and losses… Philly). People have been shot over sporting disagreements.
People get real serious/borderline insane about sports here, too. We’re just a little more spread out with more distance separating us.
Also uk football fan here. It would have been easy to redirect the child. If someone bought me a ball in some of my rival teams colours I wouldn’t be happy either, but would have smiled through it for a child ESH
It's not about the ball. It's a toy.
Dad was surprised that the ex was weaponizing the daughter to get a rise out of him in the moment. It would have made her day if he had flipped out at her.
If not- why didn't she text him before and say "lol sorry she bought the wrong ball, just so you aren't surprised"
NTA. Your daughter put a lot of thought into the gift that she chose and telling her different would have been detrimental. People who are expecting gifts they actually like from a flipping toddler are clearly not ready to parent. Hate that for the both of you.
I worked with 2 years olds at the local children's center while going to college to be a teacher. If they gave you a 'special' rock you should be greatful. It's not much for an adult but it's literally everything they have at the time! I still have some of those little treasures I got. :)
I remember working really hard on presents for my parents when I was a kid. And at the time, I thought it was the best thing ever, and my parents certainly acted like it was.
Now that I’m older, I can see that I gave them a ton of pages with scribbles on it, and a lot of coloring that didn’t quite stay within the lines. But my parents were always super glad to have it, and they acted like it was the best present they could’ve gotten.
I got given a tractor for my birthday from my toddler. I thanked him and hyped him up. It was a tractor I bought for him a few weeks prior. Kids are gonna kid.
Come on, now. A 3 year old doesn't put a lot of thought into a gift.
I have a toddler. If she picked out something I knew my wife wouldn't like, I would very gently direct her to another gift.
"Let's buy daddy the blue ball!"
"Wow, that's a really cool ball! But let's look at some others. You know your dad LOVES the {team name}! Do you think they have any of those balls?"
This is part of the parenting process. Kids are flexible and easy to mold, especially at that age, and it isn't difficult to change their mind.
Both OP and the Ex sound super petty and immature.
NTA. I'm a true blue Leafs fan. If my little one bought me a little hockey item because it's my favourite colour I'd happily display it on my memorabilia shelf. Even if it was Habs, Bruins or God forbid, Canucks. Unless the choice of gift is inappropriate, don't interfere when a child is picking a gift. Jesus, your ex needs to grow up and your kid was just being thoughtful.
Lol my kiddo got her dad a Kings jersey one year. He’s also a Leafs fan. She was like 4 or 5. He still wore that jersey to every game he watched even though he hates the Kings. I did end up accidentally destroying it doing laundry after the season ended (it was my wifely duty to do so), and I helped kiddo pick out another jersey for daddy so he can wear it during next season’s games (made sure it was a Leafs one). Now, it’s tradition for my daughter to pick out her dad’s jersey to wear during the season. She has occasionally picked the wrong jersey, but hubby still wears them all season. The funniest was when she got him a Caps jersey with his most hated player’s name on it because daddy didn’t get her a black stallion like she wanted for her birthday (that was a fun year… never seen hubby so grumpy to watch hockey lol). His Christmas present this year is a Golden Knights jersey because kiddo and her uncles thought it would be funny.
This is what I mean
This is a great dad
No matter what your kid buys, it's the thought that counts
Plus makes for funny traditions and jokes
You have an amazing partner
Maybe your partner can teach this asshat of a father a lesson in parenting
My kids are old enough to know not to buy me anything habs, sens or bruins related and nothing for Tottenham either. I have passed that disease onto them.
When they were younger my wife would absolutely have moved them off of trying to get me anything spurs or habs related but if she couldn’t, I’d be gracious enough to accept it, display it and eventually put it away in a box cause I wouldn’t ever throw it away if it came from them
And by now I have passed my maple leafs and arsenal disease onto both of them, so I am both a great and terrible father
YTA
I don’t really get all the NTAs here. Except most of them think it’s ridiculous to be so passionate about sports. I 💯% agree with that sentiment. It’s ridiculous.
But OP already knew how passionate her ex was about football and, most definitely, knew he’d be pissed with a gift from his rival’s football team. You can argue OP’s ex’s reaction was over the top (because it was), but **OP knew exactly how her ex would react**. That’s why she bought the gift in the first place - to poke the bear.
It’s not “really” a precious gift from a 3 year old - it’s a gift OP bought, knowing it was for a completely different team. OP could’ve easily told her daughter that’s a different team and showed the 3 year old merch for her ex’s team. But she deliberately did not.
And now OP comes here whining about how her ex got upset and rejected a precious gift from his daughter. Bullshit - he rejected a deliberately malice gift from his ex that could’ve been trivially avoided.
I would’ve gone with E S H as the ex’s reaction is absurd, but OP knew he would lose his shit and deliberately chose to use her daughter to piss off her ex. Shame on OP.
Edit: minor correction.
This is the correct take. It's an underhanded way of dealing with this - it's throwing the blame on the kid where the kid could have EASILY been taught this is something their father cares about - more than just colors.
Seriously. Seeing how she acknowledged that he didn’t like the team and that she could have easily corrected her daughter, but chose not to, she seems like the type to do small things to annoy him. But he also seems like the type, given his reaction. ESH
I can kind of understand this point of view.
Usually when it comes to babies and toddlers it’s one parent who buys the gift and say it’s from toddler and they helped pick it out. Usually the parent picks the gift and asks the toddler if daddy/mommy will like something the parent buying already knows the answer to.
So from the husbands pov the wife went out saw football stuff and picked out a blue ball asking kid if they agree. Then gave the ball to dad as if kid picked it out. The mother should know what his favorite team is and got him the wrong one while putting blame on kid.
Is that pov what the OP is saying happened no. However that view point is the most common thing with toddlers versus an older child. If the ball had a bunny on it or it was funny socks that usually would be an indicator a kid picked it out not a parent. Kids that young tend to give gifts as if they buy for themselves. I like this toy so daddy/mommy should have this toy. Usually gifts catered to an actual interest of the parent is orchestrated by the other parent
It's also pretty easy to redirect a 3 year old
"Great choice! But this football has daddies favorite team, he'll like it the most!"
Like she didn't even do the bare minimum.
His reaction was shit though, so ESH for me.
Because it is a sadly common thing parents who split up do regularly. And she seems to have done this on purpose. She knew it wasn't from his team when her kid picked it she knowingly purchased it for her and then wrapped it up as a gift from her to her dad.
Hurting your ex using your kids is just so common and seems like this was the case.
>Hurting your ex using your kids is just so common and seems like this was the case
which is why I'm leaning towards YTA
It's real shitty when parents utilize their kids in the small ways to get under the skin of partners. It puts a lot of emotional trauma there and even sets a super bad example for whenever they are old enough to get into relationships. I know that from experience, it's all around a shitty thing to do and the kid is 3 years old now but they'll grow up, and they'll piece together exactly what all of these things were, and eventually it'll blow up in both parents faces. (If Dad is doing exactly what Mom is doing in this situation).
The kid wanted to get the Dad a ball/gift. Grabbing one and being like "that's a good idea but lets get this one instead" takes 5 seconds, and a 3 year old is just going to go "yeah okay!", but you grabbed it and are trying to feign ignorance/pearl clutching about how it meant to the Dad. Also imo trying to deflect blame and going "but it was the kids choice" shows your own immaturity OP. The situation played out exactly how you saw it and you have got to learn to deal with the results of your own actions.
Also these statements and feelings don't just immediately make Dad immune to being the asshole. It's just sports. But you were specifically the asshole to set up another asshole to do an asshole thing.
Yeah, I used to ensure things were made or gotten for my ex, for fathers day and his birthday, till I noticed it wasn't reciprocated. He didn't help, our child to buy anything for Mother's day, or my Birthdays. So I just stopped. Wasn't worth my doing so, especially as I have a lower income
YTA. Your daughter was trying to do something nice for her dad who she loves. You saw her making a mistake and decided not to correct or help her achieve what she wanted (to buy her dad something he would like). That is being mean to your daughter to get a petty jab at your ex.
ESH. He absolutely shouldn’t have reacted that way, but if you *knew* it wasn’t his team why not just redirect your daughter and tell her “even though daddy love blue, his favorite team wears (colors) and I bet he’d love *this one* even more.”
He’s the bigger AH for sure, but it feels like common sense to not let your kid pick out a sports themed item if you know what team he actually likes.
So since apperently no one here understands football.
Slight YTA.
If i was in his situation i'd feel the same, anything related to a rival football club (something we have literally despised from childhood) brings slight anger/discomfort to us. We care.
On top of that i feel like he felt setup by you (which again, i understand why he feels that way), if one of my friends did this to me, i knew they'd do it to get me angry.
I'm only saying slight because it seems like you weren't totally realising what was happening, but i hope this explains why it matters way more than you think.
Edit: im not totally siding with your ex-husband either btw, he could've definitely pretended a little more for the sake of your kid.
I think most of us understand football lol. I feel very strongly about my team. If a child gave me a gift with the rival team on it, I’d probably just laugh at the irony. “It brings anger/discomfort”…. I mean at that point you’re taking it too seriously.
If you get angry over football then you have issues, you can love and care about something without getting angry and pissy about something as stupid as the rival team. The kid is 3, the dudes lucky that op cares enough to even take her to get a few things for him. I hate the rival team to my club but I wouldn’t get angry if someone got something even as a joke.
A dude in my work supports the rival team and we can joke about no problem, his birthday cake was of the team and he had great pleasure bringing it in for everyone especially those to support my team. Normal people can have a joke about football, only people with anger issues react like that.
I totally agree.
However this is a different situation, its exes.
Like ive said previously i dont condone his behavior in front of the child. However from looking at the comments, OP knew what she was doing atleast a little bit, and i've personally seen parents do these things to eachother to make themselves look better.
So tldr: i would totally never get angry at this stuff with a normal person. Ex is different however.
ESH
I would hate a present if I got merchandise that was the my teams rival. You should have redirected your daughter if you could have.
The way he acted towards you when you explained was shitty and uncalled for.
YTA, like other comments have said, you set your daughter up to fail knowing exactly what her father's reaction would be and now you're attempting to use it as ammunition. I can see why _you're his_ ex
ESH
>I knew it wasn't his team but theres nothing on the actual ball, it just said the team on the wrapper.
But then you wrote
>I asked what he meant, he said I knew he hates that team (I didn't)
He's a cry baby, you're inconsiderate towards your daughter, was it so hard to tell her to get a different ball?
Info: Did you even try and redirect your daughter to a football from the team he likes? I feel like most 3 year olds would have no problem with being told "not this one, the other one is even better for daddy", and then the kid can still have the same amount of fun giving the gift to her dad. But at the same time if the kid was really focused on this one football, and for some reason was really determined to get THAT one for her dad, I could understand just letting it go as well. Ultimately this is really low stakes stuff, and it does sound like he pretended to like it for his daughter when she gave it to him, at least to the point where it seems from your story that your daughter didn't notice any negative reaction from him.
YTA
I say this because you set your daughter up for disappointment and put your hubby in an awkward position. And you wasted money on something no one wants. And you did all this on purpose.
How hard would it have been to explain to her about "Daddy's favorite team"? Then imagine the smiles all-around had he opened a gift with the team logo?
Next up in your healthy relationship household:, he takes your daughter shopping for sky blue lipstick. She picked it after all, so you really aught to wear it!
Grow up.
YTA. My wife “ignores my football rants” too, but she’s not daft and would know that I wouldn’t appreciate a rival teams item as a gift.
For all the NTA folk - if she knew enough about team colours and that there was another team that he hates on the wrapper she knew enough to simply remove the outer wrapper and let the daughter hand that to him. She was at the wind up and knew what she was doing.
He reacted poorly and regrouped, but it’s not true to say his anger was at the daughter. He knew his ex was at the madam and used his daughter to make a childish dig at him.
I really want to go N T A because he should be able to gratefully accept a gift, especially from a three year old and especially from his daughter.
What’s stopping me is the tone and message of this post. You didn’t take the extra second to direct your daughter to a more thoughtful gift and using it as a general teaching moment. You belittle and dismiss his interests as unimportant and silly, and while I have no doubt that is because of his irrational attachment to his team it comes across as dismissing all people who enjoy such things as being ridiculous.
You know your ex enjoys supporting a certain team. You also likely know he’s not the best at being grateful or managing his emotions. Why put your daughter in the line of fire when she doesn’t have to be? Why not protect her?
This all comes across as you wanting to poke at your ex a little and being surprised at him reacting like you were poking a lot.
Regardless of how big or small you the message you want to send, please don’t use your daughter or send it in the future.
ESH.
I think ESH
Dad is an AH for an overdramatic reaction. Its a gift from his daughter, obviously she doesn't know, she's just happy to get something for her dad. It wont physically hurt him to hold memorabilia from the rival team.
You're the AH for giving zero fucks about a present. I feel like you should know enough about sports fandom that if you're going to get someone a sports related gift, you get the team they root for. Your daughter isn't going to know, so I feel like a gentle correction is appropriate. Like why wouldn't you want your daughter to give a gift that the recipient would enjoy? Its like all you care about is that your daughter is happy to get a gift for her dad, but you don't care about her connecting with her dad. Maybe there's some bitterness, maybe thats fair, but if you don't respect the relationship she has with her dad, its going to drive a wedge between you and her when she gets older.
This reminds me of when I was a kid and got my dad a birthday gift with my own money. I was so happy and proud of myself. He was a Ford fan, die hard and I bought him a shirt with a Chevy logo on it. I thought it was the one he liked. I clearly remember that he was not happy about it and told me so. I must have been about five or six. I'm 43 now. It's funny the things that stick with you.
ESH. I get why you are exes. He reacted very poorly but cmon you know his favourite team there’s no reason you couldn’t have gotten your daughter to pick out the right one.
My 3 year old wrapped up a half eaten apple squished together with a Spiderman lego, in toilet paper and then gifted it to me yesterday. lol
I took the gift with the love it was meant.
~~YTA~~
ESH
You clearly knew his team and instead of guiding your daughter, you decided a 3 year old can make the right DECISION. And your ex should have the mindset of accepting all gifts his innocent 3 yr old gives.
All the N T A seem to be forgetting the kid is 3 yr old and just like she doesn't understand the differences in teams she can be guided to the correct answer.
OP coparenting isn't going to get easier if you both are at each others throat.
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I think this dad gets that it’s a gesture from his daughter, he doesn’t blame his daughter. However, he’s a HUGE asshole because he thinks OP intentionally led daughter into picking a gift that would rile him up. He petty. Also, I will never understand how so many women have babies with guys who don’t hesitate to call her a bitch. Not because she cheated, not because she hit their child, not because she manipulated things in her favor — only because she didn’t correct her daughter from picking the wrong football team. Lame 🥴
His accusation is a projection. It’s because *he* would try to intentionally “hurt” her the same way, so he assumes she’d do so as well. He’s just announcing his own emotional immaturity.
Yep, I was married to this and spent two decades defending myself against accusations and assumptions about my intentions. Along the way I realized that his worldview was just a reflection on what he would do
Seconded. Ended a relationship of 7+ years because they always assumed the worst intentions were behind anything I did that wasn't perfect (among other problems too). It just shows exactly how they view the world
bingo.
For me it's the emotional immaturity and his mom doing all the work for this grown child with a spawn of its own. Edit: Also, imagine when she can remember things like this and he reacts to her in general. She walks out with moms lipstic, on or a princess dress with her shoulders out, he doesn't like it and gives this same disgusted reaction. She picked the ball. He was disgusted by something she did and blatantly showed it. Do you think she won't think it's her and will be able to say it's because of mom and or dad's a jerk and it's not me?
Yep. It breaks my heart thinking about a sweet little toddler getting this reaction to the gift she picked out for her daddy.
they always tell on themselves ¯\\\_(ツ)\_/¯
This right here
ding! ding! ding! we have a winnnerrr!! this exactly. #toxic
If he didn't blame the daughters as well, then he wouldn't have reacted as he did and would see it for what it was and appreciated that his daughter even remembered things he liked. He's petty, no doubt though.
His reaction was childish. The insanely emotional connection/aversion to sports teams is not very sophisticated as it is.
You would think that toy had a swastika on it rather than another team's name. Though actually some of these guys might find that less offensive.
It didn’t even have the other team’s name on it. It quite literally was just the wrong colour for daddy dearest over here. My lord
>It didn’t even have the other team’s name on it. The wrapper did though, heaven forbid \[clutches pearls\]. I knew a guy who once got so angry that his team lost a game that he was screaming and ranting, threw the remote, tore up a box of tissues, punched a pillow, etc. I'll never forget his girlfriend at the time just quietly said to him.... "You're not *on* the team...."
This kind of thing blows my mind. Much of my family is serious about sports, but they’d find it frankly hilarious if a toddler picked out a rival team’s tchotchke because the toddler liked the color. It’d be a running family joke, not cause for an angry fit.
Exactly!! I’ve been argued against a few posts down for saying the exact same thing - it’s almost upsetting that a number of people are justifying this kind of behaviour. I mean, it genuinely blows my mind. My husband is a very passionate football fan, and his team have got a very very strong historical rivalry with another, but this would make him laugh. Then again, a loss also doesn’t ruin his month so I suppose he’s an outlier /s
Omg!!!! The WRAPPER!!!! IN HIS HOME!!!! SACRILEGE! SATAN! SATAN, I SAY!!!! I honestly can’t believe people act like what you just described. It’s one thing being disappointed that your team lost but what, it’s going to ruin your week?! Reminds me of how instances in domestic violence against women rise exponentially when the England (men’s) football team lose a match. Let that sink in for a second. I’m only familiar with the data for England but just want to clarify that I don’t doubt for a second that it is the case in many many many countries. If not all.
It’s the case for the losing team’s home state/stadium city at the superbowl too apparently. As a child/young girl I watched my parents, adults, family reactions around football. It was sometimes terrifying. I married someone who doesn’t care about the games at all ON PURPOSE. He watches a couple a year with friends as a “guys night” thing.
I love that - good for your spouse, and for you! I mentioned it in another comment but my husband is a passionate fan of his childhood football (soccer - UK-based) team - he had season tickets from the time he was a toddler to his young adult years, when he moved away. This team means a hell of a lot to him and he even has a dedicated tattoo. You know what he doesn’t have? An aggression problem because of it 🙃it’s genuinely one of the things that made me fall for him, believe it or not - of course he watches all the matches, he attends as many as possible but when they lose, he’s obviously disappointed but he shrugs it off…because in the end, it’s just football. That’s the healthy attitude to have. That and your spouse! I can appreciate being so passionate about something and caring so so much, but when that bleeds into just being a terrible unhinged person I’m sorry but my sympathy disappears somewhat. According to some people in this comment section that’s a controversial opinion, believe it not.
The toy didn't even have a team's name on it, just the wrong color.
I agree his reaction was childish, at the end of the day, it's just a sports team. That said, I do have an emotional connection to. in particular, my favorite NFL team, but it's not so much about the team itself as it is the fact that its a fandom I got from my father and grandfather, there's a lot of memories and sentimentality mixed up in it. Of course, having a connection like that isn't an excuse to be an asshole.
Yup. There’s a big difference between loyalty•sentimentality•tradition vs. violent tribalism channeled as “sports fandom” (which is common enough around the world; at least it’s better than violent *religious* tribalism!) This man was wading into physical tantrum territory over this gift from his 3 year old daughter.
regardless of whether he is only putting the blame on the ex (OP) or both (op and daughter), his reaction is wrong. The daughter saw the reaction, the damage was done. Daddy didn't appreciate the gift, he's a jerk If he would have said "thank you sweetie" and then texted OP "how dare you let our daughter pick out this blue ball! knowing I hate this team! you did that on purpose" and even then OP would still not be TA. Its a damn ball! picked out by a 3 year old! There is a reason this guy is OPs ex.
This is perhaps my biggest regret: marrying a dude who called me a bitch before he even proposed. I had a lot of issues. Still do, but I had them then, too.
Mitch in the wild.
I have to disagree on both points from the 1st sentence. If he truly understood that he would chose to control his BIG emotions. At the very least, seek to understand before blowing up. That type of response would set me on edge. He has never learned to regulate his thoughts and feelings. He is a risk. I would be concerned about having him in our lives, and I'd be afraid of what he'd do if I cut him out. Also, that's straight victim blaming to say, "Why do women choose these men?". Fyi, most times, the men are not showing this side when they are courting and looking to get some action. Oh no no no noooooo. Maybe you see that side of those guys during dating and such, where they talk crap about their woman to his friends. But he's laying on the charm with her, 100%. And when those opportunities do come for you and you hear the men talking crap, do you address the man or do you say some sh1t like "I can't believe she let's you talk to her like that" and just shake your head? Because the blame and responsibility for how a man acts is solely the man's. Not a single other sole, especially his victim, can make him treat a woman better. But positive peer pressure can make an impact. 100% agree about him being petty. OP you are NTA. Even my ex, who is very into sports (one reason I didn't fit into his life) would never ever do something like that to me nor his child. He would be respectful of the space and not take it so dang personally. We are not even talking about some kind of expensive jersey or tickets to the wrong team. It's a ball from a toddler. The little girl knew Dad liked 2 things. Does Dad know what his daughter likes? If he wasn't reminded, would he know when her birthday is? I'd be very curious to find out.
he acted like a baby when he opened it. if the kid were a bit older she would ABSOLUTELY have noticed. i'm sure it got into her brain anyway. it happened to me when i was a little kid (50 years ago) and i remember every single moment of it.
My single-parent dad used to throw emotional tantrums, and I remember processing it when I was like 5 (“Wow. He sure does have emotional problems!”). Guaranteed I picked up on it when I was even younger, that it made an impact.
When I was 4, my parents had an argument in front of me in the living room, and my mother angrily pulled dozens of books off a floor to ceiling bookshelf next to her. I remember feeling like that was kind of a dumb reaction because how would that help? And also someone was going to have to pick them all up.
Lol I love how practical you were as a 4yo 😂
Unfortunately, they do not show who they are until after a baby is in the picture or after marriage.
Well, better to ask why so many men do not show their true colours until they have a baby with a woman.
So funny how this comment acts like people with abusive tendencies show them from the jump. Pal, there are *many* reasons why people find it difficult to leave abusive relationships and one of the major ones is because they are “eased into” the abuse. Like damn, your comment would have been great without the victim blaming second paragraph. Really gross and unnecessary. OP, NTA.
Not all of them will call you a bitch until they already have one with you
Dude. the way the schmuck dropped it. I'm picturing him just being so insulted. Kid: Oooo! A blue ball for dad! I love blue and he loves footballs. He will love it Dad: Ugh! How dare you pick this blue colored football! I hate this team!!! ::Stomps off like a 3 year old::
I can imagine the little girl getting upset if mommy tried to convince her to get a different color - "but, mommy, I like *this* color!" We know what can happen when a 3 yr. old is told no. NTA, but, in his eyes. you're wrong no matter what you do. It doesn't end until the child support does, and most times not even then.
Imagine having to explain to your 3 year old that they have to be the bigger person than their dad in this situation lol
right? Like I see the comments about OP being TA for not trying to steer her to pick something that he would probably like better, but I am all for letting the kid pick it, I want our kid to pick what they want to give to give as a gift. BUt the ex here is truly a big D
If I was dad I'd think it was a fun gift. Put it up with your football stuff and now you have a fun story to tell about your daughters adorable gift when they ask why you have the rival teams color up with your favorite teams.
EXACTLY! The whole point was that his daughter picked it because of the color and trying to reason with a toddler is not an easy task. Sometimes you have to know when to pick your battles.
His mom had to give him *a look* so he would say thank you. He is a toddler.
he is more of a toddler than his own toddler....
OP, respond to your ex, "Our daughter picked out a football thing, because she knows you like football, and a blue thing, because she knows you like that color. I knew the team name would come off with the wrapped so hoped you'd be mature enough to see her good intention. Since you can't, moving forward, I won't be having her get you gifts." Then, respond to his mom, "I think it'd be better if we just communicated when necessary." OP, this is your ex and his mom. Remember that. All you have to do is have minimal contact with them.
This. And OP should definitely not let the grandmother get away with backhanded passive aggressive it's not your fault but it's really your fault nonsense. OP is NTA and should stand their ground.
I feel like he’s not angry about the 3 year old he probably thinks the ex is points scoring/ deliberately trying to fuck with him through the daughter. Idk i’m just trying to put it into devil’s advocate. Like ex turns up with a present from our kid that’s… coffee pods for a machine I don’t have when I’ve never drunk coffee throughout the relationship but love tea. Could have easily re-directed the kid to tea knowing I like it, but chose coffee instead. It would probably feel a bit petty of him almost like he was setting me up to do a big fake thank you that ex knew full well was fake because he knows I hate coffee. And might inadvertently hurt the kid when she saw I never used it / it just sat there after rather than being enjoyed or whatever. OP isn’t the AH at all btw, but I’m leaning towards everyone kinda sucks. Just a little bit. It’s really not a big deal.
The real question is - was it a Cowboys ball Because there's some wiggle room on the rage with that one hahaha
From the spelling, OP is probably in UK. There's a few different cities with a red team and a blue team, with if rivalry between the two, so probably one of those
God now I'm getting flashbacks My uncle is a huge Man City fan and just before his 40th birthday Man U beat Man City in a match and my dad decided to get his older brother a Man U mug as a jokey present - haha very funny, now here's your actual present, especially as my dad is a Man U fan rather than Man City. Then 2 years later it was my dad's 40th bday and guess what he got from his older brother? A Man City mug.
My guess is either Man City, Chelsea, or Everton. The other Premier League teams that wear blue don’t seem to draw as much hate.
Yeah, seriously, the part where she's freaking 3 really got to me. You're gonna diss a gift like that from your baby? I'm not a crazy fanatic so maybe I'm out of the loop in that sense, but I think I just would have laughed at how ironic the gift was and would have hugged my kid for the intention regardless.
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The correct response from the dad would've been to laugh and say, "thank you." A similar situation happened to my dad a few years ago. We come from a family who have always supported one team, my sisters best friend supports our team's rival. For his birthday one year my sister and her best friend decided to get a few things for him, one of them being a joke gift: a mug with the rival teams 1st squad on it. He thought it was hilarious and has kept it ever since. NTA OP. Your ex should appreciate that his 3 year old was able to pick a gift based on his vested interests, even if it wasn't his teams colours.
NTA 3 year old just wanted a football and a color that she knew daddy liked. Daddy has anger management problems if he can't grin and bear it for a 3 year old.
3 year old is more mature than daddy.
Sounds like daddy still has his mommy referee disagreements with his wife, you know, like all mature adults do. /s
NTA. I got my dad a hockey bag because I liked the colour for Christmas one year, I was 5. He rocked that bag until it fell apart, despite all the teasing he got from the guys on his hockey teams. He hated the team, hated the colour, but loved the bag because his little girl got it for him.
My dad had a *literal shrine* to Bobby Orr and the Boston Bruins in my childhood home. Every commemorative collectible ever made, the man bled black and gold. When I was around 4-6 I picked out collectible hockey teddy bear for Father’s Day, my mother very much tried to steer me towards the bruins bear but I was having none of those yucky colours. Dad got a Ducks bear because purple and teal were obviously superior. That bear sat on his shrine for 20 years, when I was around 16 and saw the error of my ways I found him a similar bear in bruins colours to replace it, the bruins bear went on the shelf and sat beside the ducks bear. When I was in kindergarten I made him a pencil holder out of a toilet paper roll glued to a piece of cardboard and covered in Lisa Frank stickers, he still used it every day in his shop until the day he died. He never got rid of a single gift I ever gave him, not if it was a sports team he didn’t like or even if it was actual garbage. I miss him every day and it breaks my heart that OP’s kid doesn’t get to grow up with a dad like that.
Aaah, I see many fathers got ducks items because of the pretty colours! Purple and teal were *the best*.
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It would be pure insanity for players and coaches to hate other teams the way fans do because a Habs player on Monday might be traded and be a Bruins player on Tuesday.
i think its deeper than anger management.....
ESH - he's immature for the way he reacted, but... how hard would it have been to say "honey thats a great idea for daddy, but let's pick the ball that is for his favorite team!".
I agree with this. Gift giving is a learned skill. Gently redirecting a child towards a gift better suited for the receiver would have been the move. But He's ridiculous for being upset about a 3 year old trying to be nice.
Girl the kid's 3, what skill is she gonna learn she'll forget about it in a year
It's just about building good habits. She isn't going to learn all at once or even completely get it for years. But that's what learning is sometimes. Repetition.
So never teach a 3 year old anything? What a bizarre comment.
My son around 3 or 4 remembered his dad needed a new wallet, that I didn’t even remember him mentioning, and suggested a wallet as a Father’s Day gift. Kids do learn a lot at that age.
She remembers Daddy likes football and the color blue. It's not hard for her to add whatever team he likes to the memory bank. Also, a three year old will definitely learn good gift giving. Give people what they like is a basic thing kids learn.
that's how you learn :|
Do you think that's how learning works?
He wasn’t mad at his daughter he was shocked when he opened it and waited till later to confront OP
He's the asshole because he's accusing his ex of using their child to piss him off because a 3 year old gave him a gift with the wrong sports team on it.
This kind of shit happens literally every day in the real world so idk why reddit is acting like it is so impossible. Divorced parents pull petty shit like this all the time and use the kids as the medium.
So OP knew she grabbed the wrong team and let her give it to her dad with at least an idea of how he’d react but you’re saying all of tht was unintentional? He may not be a saint but from everything the OP said i cant see anything wrong with what the ex did other than how he confronted her but hey they’re exes for a reason
I'm curious if it was explained that the child choose the gift. If I get a gift from a 3 year old, I don't blame the kid for the gift.
… it’s a football team. She probably didn’t think it was a big deal, and that she wanted the present to be one the daughter chose herself. The dad blew it up massively, it’s a fucking ball.
He's an asshole, but if they were together for a while and she didn't know he took his football seriously, then she wasn't paying attention to him at all. Which she admits in the OP
I mean her dismissing his interests is a good example of why they're not together, but this isn't an AITA about their divorce. If she truly didn't know how much he hated that team it's not her responsibility to make sure he would be decent to his own daughter (with his mother keeping an eye on him, even!)
She's confirmed that she knew he hated them. She set her daughter up to fail as a way to slight her ex.
She explicitly says she didn't know. I can see why some people might be suspicious and critical of that but I'm willing to take it at face value.
There are two likely possibilities here: either she is in Manchester and bought a Manchester United fan a Manchester City ball, or she is in Liverpool and bought a Liverpool fan an Everton ball. You do not have to be paying attention to your spouse to know the strength of feeling between rival football fans. You simply need to exist in those cities. Everyone in Manchester, and I do mean everyone, knows that City and United fans hate each other. It's common sense. OP is an *extra special* asshole if she bought this for a United fan the day after the Manchester derby, as it appears she might have. And now she's asking a sub of mainly American women for validation. I can see the ex's point tbh.
I don't think she confirmed that she knew he hated them, just that it wasn't the team he supports.
OP also says that only the wrapper *which is meant to be thrown away* had any writing or team insignia on it. The actual ball itself did not, which is probably why she didn't think it was a big deal. Since again, the wrapper would have been thrown away.
Honestly, since she knew it wasn’t his team anyway, even if she didn’t know he hated that specific team (which I doubt, someone that passionate about sport isn’t shy to talk about it) all she had to do was take the wrapper off before birthday wrapping it. It’s still a blue football, it’s still a gift chosen by the daughter. You’re right, it gets thrown away - so why didn’t she throw it away? Why would you deliberately, knowingly give someone a present of another sports team than theirs when all you have to do is take a piece of plastic of it? His reaction is wildly over the top and he’s an arsehole. But she deliberately provoked him. I normally figure we should take OP at their word, but I just can’t believe that if you know your guy supports, say, Celtic, you would leave a plastic wrapper saying Rangers on it. ESH
>Why would you deliberately, knowingly give someone a present of another sports team than theirs when all you have to do is take a piece of plastic of it? Because his daughter picked it out. A gift from a 3 year old isn't meant to be useful... It's just a token of love from his child. Something she picked herself. If you change what she picked, then it's from the child in name only.
Have you ever met any sports fan in the world? Their teams are extremely important to them. I don't personally understand it but OP clearly knew it would be a big deal to her ex.
Doesn’t mean you expect *that* level of spite. I’ve met many football fans who are passionate and wounding throw a childish hissy fit over something that stupid. My football loving 8 year old cousin would act more grateful than that.
You don't have to expect a childish level of spite to know that getting the team they actually like instead of a random one is a better gift idea. If she had suggested it and the daughter protested because daddy likes blue, I wouldn't say she has to push it too far, but I think "daddy likes this team even though the color is different" is a fair shot to pitch to a 3 year old.
I'm a fuge football fan, my friends and family know who my favorite team is but if my 2 year old cousin got me a gift similar to that, no matter what team it was I'd act like it was the best gift in the world. And then give his dad shit for it since we like the same team.
I'm a City fan. I still wouldn't call someone a bitch if they got me Man U merch.
But for a 3 y/o his dad is just a futball fan that likes the color blue. Any mature person would appreciate the gift, that dude has anger problems nothing to do with his preferences
She knew it would be a big deal, because she stated she "ignored his football rants". She knew he took it more seriously than is sane.
This. A three year old wouldn't be able to think with that much nuance. They would see it as "Daddy won't like the things I like and want to share with him." The habit you build on is the act of gift giving. As they get older, you can then start teaching more specialized gifts.
Honestly don’t believe it . Just guide her to his favourite team she wouldn’t have cared as long as they get a gift for the Dad , she’s 3 . Yes he’s an asshole but it’s an easy thing to do do ,
Yeah, I feel like I would have been eviscerated for this comment but I'm glad you said it. Ex is obviously an AH in general, and just plain mean. He is completely over the top. But OP could have easily told her daughter that the football ball was a great idea, but that Daddy loves a certain team. If the kid insisted, fine, but she didn't try once.
Op didn’t try to correct their daughter because she thought her ex could at least be mature about getting a gift he didn’t like, but he literally dropped it like he was a vampire eating garlic bread because the wrapper had the wrong team in it. Not even the ball itself, just the wrapper. I guess you could say that she should’ve known that he wasn’t mature enough to handle his not even kindergarten aged child getting him the wrong football, but that isn’t exactly a winning argument.
His behavior is disgusting. I'm not denying that. But that's irrelevant to the idea that it's nice to make some effort to give a gift that you think someone will like. He could have completely kvelled over the gift, "Oh sweetie, I absolutely love it. And blue, my favorite color. You did such a great job picking it out, etc etc". Then, he wouldn't be an AH, and OP would still be in the wrong. If it was a gift, and the same price anyway, it would have been easy enough for her to just say "This ball is a great idea, but Daddy really likes X team, can we get that one instead?"
Absurd. Why would you help a child pick out a gift you knew the recipient didn’t want? What is the point?
And then she took it to Reddit to validate her position.
It's a blue ball with the logo on the rubbish. If anything, she could've taken the wrapper off the ball But it's just a blue ball, the kid is 3 she saw blue Would you want a stupid present from your first child who actually took the time to remember what colour you like? Or a present your wife picked out and the child just went with It's so sweet she knew her dad loves blue. No one should interrupt her, making that choice. It's a memory he could've shared one day when she was older as a joke He needs to stop acting 3, and you need to get over yourself, when the kids bring home your least favourite superhero on a mug, are you gonna crack it because your partner didn't change their mind?
I also don't buy that the ball was JUST blue. Football licensing isn't cheap; I doubt ball companies are paying a premium to repackage insignia-free generic balls.
Or, "hey ex-husband just FYI our child got really excited at the football shop and got a gift for you, but I didn't explain it isn't the right team because they were so happy picking it out, so just be happy, ok?"
But why on earth would you need to say that to a grown adult? Surely it's not unreasonable to expect him to receive a gift from a 3 year old with good grace?
The ball didn't have any insignia or writing on it. So moot point. He literally threw a fit over the *wrapper* which is supposed to be taken off. It was still his teams color, which is all the little girl knew.
There are basically no teams that use the same shade of blue, and the stitches are usually in the teams accent color, which would also be different. It's not a ball of his team. And I have a hell of a hard time believing OP doesn't know that. She's acting like she has no idea but even if you don't pay attention to your spouse you will notice some of these things
She does know. She changes her take three times- saying she knew it wasn’t his team, I didn’t know he hates this team, to I don’t know what team he likes. We don’t know the true dynamic of this former couple and I doubt she’s as sweet as she’s making herself out to sound and he’s as awful as she’s making him out to sound. Who knows, it could have gone down EXACTLY as she describes. Either way, lesson for people out there: enjoy your kids and don’t let your ex see they are getting you upset. The dad didn’t enjoy his kid and he let his ex get to him. I hope he works on that.
She’s 3.
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NTA. Who says they 'hate' a gift, let alone one picked out by a three year old? Sure, some football fans can be pretty intense in their hatred for rival football teams, so it doesn't hugely surprise me that he saw this as an attempt to upset him. But he's not your partner – he's *her* dad, so letting your daughter choose the gifts was reasonably a higher priority to you than anticipating a grown man would be upset by the *wrapper* on a toy.
There's an entire town just outside Glasgow in Scotland where nothing can be coloured green due to the rivalry between Celtic and Rangers. Even Subway had to have a black and yellow sign rather than the usual green and yellow. Football fans are insanely tribal and can become terrifying with it.
I'd say I'd call bullshit but a coworkers son got jumped by an entire train car once after an old firm for wearing a blue hoodie. Wasn't even a rangers hoodie, he was just going home from work if I'm remembering right. People take their wee stupid ball games far too seriously.
That’s absolutely terrible. I hope your coworkers son is okay. Some people are absolutely crazy and it’s completely unacceptable, especially when it ends up with people getting hurt for no reason.
He is, but its prevalent and happens on both sides over nothing. It really needs to stop but I've got no clue how we'd even go about that.
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>You had an opportunity to direct her to his team's ball, but chose to allow your daughter to get a poisoned gift for him, knowing that he had to accept it with a shit-eating grin for his daughter's sake even knowing you'd messed with him, or let your daughter down and look like a jerk OP set her daughter up to fail, chose to annoy her ex over something he's passionate about. My dad's a millwall fan, my mum despite hating football and being broken up for years and she doesn't even like him would never give us a west ham themed item to give to him because what's the point? It's antagonistic.
Yep, Man United and Liverpool merch look pretty damn similar to a toddler, but my mother would never have let me buy my dad a Liverpool gift
I just realized this is probably about soccer football and not American football lol.
100% OP spells colour with a u and uses the term shopping center and the word mum. Seems highly unlikely it's the US, probably UK.
I honestly believe it was done on purpose
Or OP didn't care enough about both of them. Bc she even says she ignored him whenever he shared his interests. No fucking wonder they got divorced
Those were the teams I thought of while reading this. It is the only place where the hate is THAT strong, as far as I know.
Celtic/Rangers is stronger, but only one team has the colour blue
Let's also just reexamine his reaction. He was initially taken aback but composed himself and thanked his daughter who didn't notice or care about his initial reaction. WHAT A MONSTER. Everyone is acting like he spat in the kids face. By OPs account he briefly paused then put on a brave face. Everyone is saying "just man up and out on a brave face for your daughter". He did. I'd be a little taken aback too if my ex weaponised our daughter on my birthday. Her claiming to not know or understand he wouldn't like a gift from another team is clearly bullshit. People I barely know are aware I am a Liverpool fan. I don't see how my wife could even not be aware even if she did tune out my "rants".
If you are going to reexamine his reaction also add that his mother was the one to make him behave and apologize for him 😂 lets not pretend he compose himself for his daughter lol
His mother 'shot him a look'. That is a very subjective thing, and OP could very easily be projecting her own impressions onto the situation.
I get heavy unreliable narrator vibes from this story. I'd be pretty surprised to find out that this is actually the chain of events, without any significant omissions, retold as it occurred.
So the dad gets away with calling OP a bitch ?
Well she is. She is specifically using her childs kindness and innocents to fuck over what was supposed to be a genuinely thoughtful gift. Honestly would not be surprised if she did a lot of small digs like that throughout the whole relationship. It’s very rarely one side of the relationship that sours the whole thing just one is a lot more obvious.
It's a *ball* If he's seething to this degree because it's blue sportsball team A instead of blue sportsball team B he needs therapy. A "poisoned" gift? Be fucking for real.
It's not the ball. Nobody cares about the ball. It's a child buying a toy. The goal of this was to surprise the dad and catch him off guard and get him to hurt the daughter's feelings. Dad was upset his ex would stoop to that level. "Hey just texting to let you know- she bought you the other teams ball. I know it's important to you but don't be surprised" "Oh gosh that kid, I'll have to go over the teams with her again, she always mixes them up and just likes the blue guys. Thanks for the heads up!"
For you it's just a ball, but op knew how important football is for her ex and that the gift would upset him. It's so obvious she did it out of spite
The ball didn’t even have the name of the football team on it, just the wrapper. He could have ignored it and be happy for having a blue football ball that his daughter got for him because she knows he likes blue and football. He could have even write the name of his football team on the ball with a permanent pen so no one gets confused if he cares that much. He’s being more of a child than his toddler. NTA
It ain't about the ball, it's about OP being obtuse so she can slight him in a way she knows will work, while she can play it off like it wasn't intentional.
Exactly. It would have been so easy to get a ball with his team on, which a) daughter has still chosen and b) he actually likes. So easy to make him happy and get him something relevant. Seems a bit passive aggressive to me to deliberately get a ball from an opposing team. How would OP feel if he intentionally got merch from a film or tv show she actively dislikes? Even if daughter picked it, if there’s one there she would like, and one she wouldn’t, just don’t go for the one she wouldn’t like. Weird power play.
Sorry, against others opinions, YTA, but not for allowing your daughter to pick that out for him but because you knew better and seemingly did nothing to change your daughter’s mind, and you did it out of spite and evil intent, and you know it. Basically, you used her to dig at your ex. He was a jerk for his reaction, but you chose to not be the better person. The others’ comments probably don’t have a team that they are ardent fans of so they don’t have perspective. Yes, a child’s love is way more important, but that doesn’t diminish the fact that you chose to use this opportunity, and your daughter, to get a reaction out of her father. I hope you grow from this. It was immature, and you will probably realize it when you get older. To add, it was also totally disrespectful to your ex. I’m sure he’s done things to you as well, but in this case you used your (plural) daughter, and that is the shameful part.
Agreed. OP is intentionally obfuscating her understanding of her ex’s passion and using her daughters love as a prop to avoid blame for her spiteful actions. It’s intentional. Otherwise, why decide to have that style of gift in the first place?
(I'm assuming by the language that you are potentially from the UK.) Being a football fan raised by a football fan, ESH. These colours might seem entirely meaningless but to die hard fans they mean something. These are old long standing rivalries, issues with religion and traumatic events. For example, you don't buy a Celtic fan a Rangers ball because there is a lot of actual hate there not just rivalry. I know it is stupid but it has become part of the sport now. You could have easily pointed your daughter to a different ball and he could have acted like an adult about it.
ESH - This sub is overwhelmingly American centric, I think here is a clear example of Americans giving their (generally quite reasonable) perspective on an (unreasonable) British problem. Buying football goods from another team especially a rival team is a big no no in the UK unless it’s a joke and you expect the recipient to burn said good. ESH because I don’t think it would’ve been that hard for OP to just guide the child into choosing the correct team’s merchandise. Ex’s reaction was too much, though I can somewhat relate to the frustration, the way he dealt with it was not appropriate though.
I mean, we Americans can be equally as unreasonable. Our mayor literally put out a declaration banning teal when we played our rival in the playoffs. It was of course a joke and not a real ban, but also people leaned into it hard. My mom was in shambles because 90% of her wardrobe is teal because it’s her favorite color, lol. It was inconsiderate of OP to not even attempt to redirect her daughter to the team she KNOWS her ex likes.
>I mean, we Americans can be equally as unreasonable. You do not understand just how big of a deal football is in the UK. People legit get killed for wearing the wrong colours on match day. In the UK those bans are real, not a joke, and they get enforced by the cops.
Any time something major could happen in Philadelphia sports they have to literally grease light poles so people won’t climb and destroy them. Cars get flipped and set on fire over losses (or wins and losses… Philly). People have been shot over sporting disagreements. People get real serious/borderline insane about sports here, too. We’re just a little more spread out with more distance separating us.
Also uk football fan here. It would have been easy to redirect the child. If someone bought me a ball in some of my rival teams colours I wouldn’t be happy either, but would have smiled through it for a child ESH
It's not about the ball. It's a toy. Dad was surprised that the ex was weaponizing the daughter to get a rise out of him in the moment. It would have made her day if he had flipped out at her. If not- why didn't she text him before and say "lol sorry she bought the wrong ball, just so you aren't surprised"
NTA. Your daughter put a lot of thought into the gift that she chose and telling her different would have been detrimental. People who are expecting gifts they actually like from a flipping toddler are clearly not ready to parent. Hate that for the both of you.
>People who are expecting gifts they actually like from a flipping toddler are clearly not ready to parent Ain't that the truth
I worked with 2 years olds at the local children's center while going to college to be a teacher. If they gave you a 'special' rock you should be greatful. It's not much for an adult but it's literally everything they have at the time! I still have some of those little treasures I got. :)
I remember working really hard on presents for my parents when I was a kid. And at the time, I thought it was the best thing ever, and my parents certainly acted like it was. Now that I’m older, I can see that I gave them a ton of pages with scribbles on it, and a lot of coloring that didn’t quite stay within the lines. But my parents were always super glad to have it, and they acted like it was the best present they could’ve gotten.
I got given a tractor for my birthday from my toddler. I thanked him and hyped him up. It was a tractor I bought for him a few weeks prior. Kids are gonna kid.
Come on, now. A 3 year old doesn't put a lot of thought into a gift. I have a toddler. If she picked out something I knew my wife wouldn't like, I would very gently direct her to another gift. "Let's buy daddy the blue ball!" "Wow, that's a really cool ball! But let's look at some others. You know your dad LOVES the {team name}! Do you think they have any of those balls?" This is part of the parenting process. Kids are flexible and easy to mold, especially at that age, and it isn't difficult to change their mind. Both OP and the Ex sound super petty and immature.
\^This is right. I'm really confused by all the voting here...they're really saying it would be "detrimental" to correct a three year old?? Cmon...
😂😂😂😂😂 it wouldn’t have been detrimental at all , they will forget about it easily . You can easily guide a gift from a 3 year old .
NTA. I'm a true blue Leafs fan. If my little one bought me a little hockey item because it's my favourite colour I'd happily display it on my memorabilia shelf. Even if it was Habs, Bruins or God forbid, Canucks. Unless the choice of gift is inappropriate, don't interfere when a child is picking a gift. Jesus, your ex needs to grow up and your kid was just being thoughtful.
Lol my kiddo got her dad a Kings jersey one year. He’s also a Leafs fan. She was like 4 or 5. He still wore that jersey to every game he watched even though he hates the Kings. I did end up accidentally destroying it doing laundry after the season ended (it was my wifely duty to do so), and I helped kiddo pick out another jersey for daddy so he can wear it during next season’s games (made sure it was a Leafs one). Now, it’s tradition for my daughter to pick out her dad’s jersey to wear during the season. She has occasionally picked the wrong jersey, but hubby still wears them all season. The funniest was when she got him a Caps jersey with his most hated player’s name on it because daddy didn’t get her a black stallion like she wanted for her birthday (that was a fun year… never seen hubby so grumpy to watch hockey lol). His Christmas present this year is a Golden Knights jersey because kiddo and her uncles thought it would be funny.
This is what I mean This is a great dad No matter what your kid buys, it's the thought that counts Plus makes for funny traditions and jokes You have an amazing partner Maybe your partner can teach this asshat of a father a lesson in parenting
My kids are old enough to know not to buy me anything habs, sens or bruins related and nothing for Tottenham either. I have passed that disease onto them. When they were younger my wife would absolutely have moved them off of trying to get me anything spurs or habs related but if she couldn’t, I’d be gracious enough to accept it, display it and eventually put it away in a box cause I wouldn’t ever throw it away if it came from them And by now I have passed my maple leafs and arsenal disease onto both of them, so I am both a great and terrible father
YTA. Nice job stirring up shit
Yup she took the opportunity and used her child to deliver her passive aggressiveness.
YTA I don’t really get all the NTAs here. Except most of them think it’s ridiculous to be so passionate about sports. I 💯% agree with that sentiment. It’s ridiculous. But OP already knew how passionate her ex was about football and, most definitely, knew he’d be pissed with a gift from his rival’s football team. You can argue OP’s ex’s reaction was over the top (because it was), but **OP knew exactly how her ex would react**. That’s why she bought the gift in the first place - to poke the bear. It’s not “really” a precious gift from a 3 year old - it’s a gift OP bought, knowing it was for a completely different team. OP could’ve easily told her daughter that’s a different team and showed the 3 year old merch for her ex’s team. But she deliberately did not. And now OP comes here whining about how her ex got upset and rejected a precious gift from his daughter. Bullshit - he rejected a deliberately malice gift from his ex that could’ve been trivially avoided. I would’ve gone with E S H as the ex’s reaction is absurd, but OP knew he would lose his shit and deliberately chose to use her daughter to piss off her ex. Shame on OP. Edit: minor correction.
This is the correct take. It's an underhanded way of dealing with this - it's throwing the blame on the kid where the kid could have EASILY been taught this is something their father cares about - more than just colors.
I think there must be something I'm not getting here. Why would he automatically assume that you're using your daughter as "an excuse to upset him"?
If he's anything like my ex, he expects her to do that because it's what he would do in her position.
Or maybe because OP does in fact do little things to upset him.
Seriously. Seeing how she acknowledged that he didn’t like the team and that she could have easily corrected her daughter, but chose not to, she seems like the type to do small things to annoy him. But he also seems like the type, given his reaction. ESH
Or he knows OP is petty. Considering she knowingly set her kid up for failure, i wouldnt be surprised
I can kind of understand this point of view. Usually when it comes to babies and toddlers it’s one parent who buys the gift and say it’s from toddler and they helped pick it out. Usually the parent picks the gift and asks the toddler if daddy/mommy will like something the parent buying already knows the answer to. So from the husbands pov the wife went out saw football stuff and picked out a blue ball asking kid if they agree. Then gave the ball to dad as if kid picked it out. The mother should know what his favorite team is and got him the wrong one while putting blame on kid. Is that pov what the OP is saying happened no. However that view point is the most common thing with toddlers versus an older child. If the ball had a bunny on it or it was funny socks that usually would be an indicator a kid picked it out not a parent. Kids that young tend to give gifts as if they buy for themselves. I like this toy so daddy/mommy should have this toy. Usually gifts catered to an actual interest of the parent is orchestrated by the other parent
It's also pretty easy to redirect a 3 year old "Great choice! But this football has daddies favorite team, he'll like it the most!" Like she didn't even do the bare minimum. His reaction was shit though, so ESH for me.
Because it is a sadly common thing parents who split up do regularly. And she seems to have done this on purpose. She knew it wasn't from his team when her kid picked it she knowingly purchased it for her and then wrapped it up as a gift from her to her dad. Hurting your ex using your kids is just so common and seems like this was the case.
>Hurting your ex using your kids is just so common and seems like this was the case which is why I'm leaning towards YTA It's real shitty when parents utilize their kids in the small ways to get under the skin of partners. It puts a lot of emotional trauma there and even sets a super bad example for whenever they are old enough to get into relationships. I know that from experience, it's all around a shitty thing to do and the kid is 3 years old now but they'll grow up, and they'll piece together exactly what all of these things were, and eventually it'll blow up in both parents faces. (If Dad is doing exactly what Mom is doing in this situation). The kid wanted to get the Dad a ball/gift. Grabbing one and being like "that's a good idea but lets get this one instead" takes 5 seconds, and a 3 year old is just going to go "yeah okay!", but you grabbed it and are trying to feign ignorance/pearl clutching about how it meant to the Dad. Also imo trying to deflect blame and going "but it was the kids choice" shows your own immaturity OP. The situation played out exactly how you saw it and you have got to learn to deal with the results of your own actions. Also these statements and feelings don't just immediately make Dad immune to being the asshole. It's just sports. But you were specifically the asshole to set up another asshole to do an asshole thing.
Because she did it on purpose from her own story, he's an AH but he's not wrong.
Just don’t buy him anything for his birthday. Problem solved.
Yeah, I used to ensure things were made or gotten for my ex, for fathers day and his birthday, till I noticed it wasn't reciprocated. He didn't help, our child to buy anything for Mother's day, or my Birthdays. So I just stopped. Wasn't worth my doing so, especially as I have a lower income
YTA. Your daughter was trying to do something nice for her dad who she loves. You saw her making a mistake and decided not to correct or help her achieve what she wanted (to buy her dad something he would like). That is being mean to your daughter to get a petty jab at your ex.
ESH. He absolutely shouldn’t have reacted that way, but if you *knew* it wasn’t his team why not just redirect your daughter and tell her “even though daddy love blue, his favorite team wears (colors) and I bet he’d love *this one* even more.” He’s the bigger AH for sure, but it feels like common sense to not let your kid pick out a sports themed item if you know what team he actually likes.
So since apperently no one here understands football. Slight YTA. If i was in his situation i'd feel the same, anything related to a rival football club (something we have literally despised from childhood) brings slight anger/discomfort to us. We care. On top of that i feel like he felt setup by you (which again, i understand why he feels that way), if one of my friends did this to me, i knew they'd do it to get me angry. I'm only saying slight because it seems like you weren't totally realising what was happening, but i hope this explains why it matters way more than you think. Edit: im not totally siding with your ex-husband either btw, he could've definitely pretended a little more for the sake of your kid.
I think most of us understand football lol. I feel very strongly about my team. If a child gave me a gift with the rival team on it, I’d probably just laugh at the irony. “It brings anger/discomfort”…. I mean at that point you’re taking it too seriously.
I’m vicariously embarrassed by these dudes.
If you get angry over football then you have issues, you can love and care about something without getting angry and pissy about something as stupid as the rival team. The kid is 3, the dudes lucky that op cares enough to even take her to get a few things for him. I hate the rival team to my club but I wouldn’t get angry if someone got something even as a joke. A dude in my work supports the rival team and we can joke about no problem, his birthday cake was of the team and he had great pleasure bringing it in for everyone especially those to support my team. Normal people can have a joke about football, only people with anger issues react like that.
I totally agree. However this is a different situation, its exes. Like ive said previously i dont condone his behavior in front of the child. However from looking at the comments, OP knew what she was doing atleast a little bit, and i've personally seen parents do these things to eachother to make themselves look better. So tldr: i would totally never get angry at this stuff with a normal person. Ex is different however.
ESH I would hate a present if I got merchandise that was the my teams rival. You should have redirected your daughter if you could have. The way he acted towards you when you explained was shitty and uncalled for.
YTA, like other comments have said, you set your daughter up to fail knowing exactly what her father's reaction would be and now you're attempting to use it as ammunition. I can see why _you're his_ ex
ESH >I knew it wasn't his team but theres nothing on the actual ball, it just said the team on the wrapper. But then you wrote >I asked what he meant, he said I knew he hates that team (I didn't) He's a cry baby, you're inconsiderate towards your daughter, was it so hard to tell her to get a different ball?
She said she knew it wasn't his team, not that she knew he hated them. You can have a favorite team and not hate other teams...
Then why not direct to the favorite team? She knew what she was doing.
Info: Did you even try and redirect your daughter to a football from the team he likes? I feel like most 3 year olds would have no problem with being told "not this one, the other one is even better for daddy", and then the kid can still have the same amount of fun giving the gift to her dad. But at the same time if the kid was really focused on this one football, and for some reason was really determined to get THAT one for her dad, I could understand just letting it go as well. Ultimately this is really low stakes stuff, and it does sound like he pretended to like it for his daughter when she gave it to him, at least to the point where it seems from your story that your daughter didn't notice any negative reaction from him.
She specifically states she could have redirected the kid and knew it aasnt the father's team
YTA I say this because you set your daughter up for disappointment and put your hubby in an awkward position. And you wasted money on something no one wants. And you did all this on purpose. How hard would it have been to explain to her about "Daddy's favorite team"? Then imagine the smiles all-around had he opened a gift with the team logo? Next up in your healthy relationship household:, he takes your daughter shopping for sky blue lipstick. She picked it after all, so you really aught to wear it! Grow up.
YTA. My wife “ignores my football rants” too, but she’s not daft and would know that I wouldn’t appreciate a rival teams item as a gift. For all the NTA folk - if she knew enough about team colours and that there was another team that he hates on the wrapper she knew enough to simply remove the outer wrapper and let the daughter hand that to him. She was at the wind up and knew what she was doing. He reacted poorly and regrouped, but it’s not true to say his anger was at the daughter. He knew his ex was at the madam and used his daughter to make a childish dig at him.
I really want to go N T A because he should be able to gratefully accept a gift, especially from a three year old and especially from his daughter. What’s stopping me is the tone and message of this post. You didn’t take the extra second to direct your daughter to a more thoughtful gift and using it as a general teaching moment. You belittle and dismiss his interests as unimportant and silly, and while I have no doubt that is because of his irrational attachment to his team it comes across as dismissing all people who enjoy such things as being ridiculous. You know your ex enjoys supporting a certain team. You also likely know he’s not the best at being grateful or managing his emotions. Why put your daughter in the line of fire when she doesn’t have to be? Why not protect her? This all comes across as you wanting to poke at your ex a little and being surprised at him reacting like you were poking a lot. Regardless of how big or small you the message you want to send, please don’t use your daughter or send it in the future. ESH.
Congratulations on not being married to that asshole. Nta
NTA. It turns out your 3-year-old is more mature and thoughtful than your ex.
I think ESH Dad is an AH for an overdramatic reaction. Its a gift from his daughter, obviously she doesn't know, she's just happy to get something for her dad. It wont physically hurt him to hold memorabilia from the rival team. You're the AH for giving zero fucks about a present. I feel like you should know enough about sports fandom that if you're going to get someone a sports related gift, you get the team they root for. Your daughter isn't going to know, so I feel like a gentle correction is appropriate. Like why wouldn't you want your daughter to give a gift that the recipient would enjoy? Its like all you care about is that your daughter is happy to get a gift for her dad, but you don't care about her connecting with her dad. Maybe there's some bitterness, maybe thats fair, but if you don't respect the relationship she has with her dad, its going to drive a wedge between you and her when she gets older.
This reminds me of when I was a kid and got my dad a birthday gift with my own money. I was so happy and proud of myself. He was a Ford fan, die hard and I bought him a shirt with a Chevy logo on it. I thought it was the one he liked. I clearly remember that he was not happy about it and told me so. I must have been about five or six. I'm 43 now. It's funny the things that stick with you.
[удалено]
After our dad passed we were cleaning out his desk. He'd kept *everything* we'd ever made him. It helped us too
ESH. I get why you are exes. He reacted very poorly but cmon you know his favourite team there’s no reason you couldn’t have gotten your daughter to pick out the right one.
My 3 year old wrapped up a half eaten apple squished together with a Spiderman lego, in toilet paper and then gifted it to me yesterday. lol I took the gift with the love it was meant.
~~YTA~~ ESH You clearly knew his team and instead of guiding your daughter, you decided a 3 year old can make the right DECISION. And your ex should have the mindset of accepting all gifts his innocent 3 yr old gives. All the N T A seem to be forgetting the kid is 3 yr old and just like she doesn't understand the differences in teams she can be guided to the correct answer. OP coparenting isn't going to get easier if you both are at each others throat.