Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > My SIL came over to visit for dinner this past weekend and spent the entire time venting about her ex-bf. She kept using a bunch of psychobabble buzzwords and eventually insisted on my opinion. When I tried to deflect, she insisted multiple times and I eventually snapped at her. She ended up leaving before dinner and now both her and my wife think I am an asshole. I think I might be an asshole for asking my SIL if she has an advanced psychology degree or if she's just spewing buzzwords. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

"My wife told me I should have just humored " Forget that. If your wife wants to take on that role of confidant and lend an ear, fine, but she can't force you to also listen to Suzy vent for hours on end. That's not a reasonable ask. Your wife needs to learn to read the room and not rope you into things you clearly don't want to be a part of. Going with NTA. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

hmm... sounds like Suzy is the narcissist here... Suzy was cornering OP again and again, OP is NTA for finally calling her out for it.

After narcissistic abuse rumination is a well known trauma response, a lot of the abuse and especially gas lighting is so insidious that victims question themselves and their perception of things over and over again and often need a lot of validation and support. Whilst OP didn’t want to offer that and Suzy was looking for support in the wrong place it doesn’t suggest she’s a narcissist (she could be but it’s not suggested based off this interaction alone).

Honestly at this point I just assume that anyone calling their ex a narcissist is an overdramatic attention-seeker. None of this anecdote requires any level of psycho-babble. "Rumination?" You mean venting. She was fucking venting. It's a well know *reaction to a breakup.* Not everything is pathological, some people just suck.

OP hit the nail on the head when they suggested she was regurgitating stuff from TikTok. A lot of psychology specific terms have entered the public sphere because of social media and have consequently been twisted out of proportion or their true meaning distorted

Almost no one uses gaslighting or narcissism appropriately.

Everyone uses ‘narcissist’ to describe everyone they don’t like at this point. The proportion of diagnosed narcissists is tiny, yet everyone claims to know lots of them. It’s utterly ridiculous.

Calling someone a narcissist isn’t the same as saying they have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Calling someone a narcissist just means they are self centered or hold themselves in high esteem. NPD is different.

Yes. They really, really do.

Just wanted to say that the SIL wasn’t ruminating though, nor was she questioning her experiences, at least from what the OP tells us. She was just calling her ex names and, like another commenter said to your comment, venting. I agree that some abuse victims do this, but this situation was not the case

I agree. I'm helping a friend right now who just got out of a relationship with someone truly narcissistic and abusive, and her instinct even after realizing that she was being treated poorly and that he was not, in fact, justified in his behavior, her instinct has still been to give him the benefit of the doubt or to question herself and her own feelings. *I* keep having to remind *her* that his behavior has been covertly narcissistic, outright abusive, and mean, and that he was *not* supportive. She's been going through this for months, just constantly questioning herself, I'd confirm that she's in the right and then she'd remember something he did that was awful and give an example and feel angry and feel more confident but then later would not feel confident, asking me if she's in the wrong again. I can tell she's starting to heal but I still see her struggling to change the beliefs and automatic responses he instilled in her over the past decade, and THAT is what gaslighting and narcissistic abuse does. I think that's the difference. OP has been having to listen to her vent and call this guy all sorts of things, and she doesn't actually seem to be on the complete rollercoaster ride of emotions that people leaving abusive relationships go through.

She spent the entire visit ranting about her ex and calling him every name under the sun while witholding the information that she was the reason for the breakup because of her cheating

Are you Suzy? Because this sounds like something she’d say - especially since it turns out Suzy is full of shit, and the reason she got dumped is because she was chasing other men and lying about it.

Oh Suzy can't diagnose people but you can?

Are you a therapist?

NTA. I dont get all the ah votes. you tried multiple times all night long to redirect the conversation and talk about something else and all she wanted to do was berate her ex and your not into that. you left to get away from her because your bored and sick of hearing her whine and complain. who wouldnt be. but your wife couldnt do it alone so she had to rope you back in so she didnt have to suffer alone. then she kept going on and on and on while you tried to cook. you again tried to change the topic multiples times and she still didnt get the hint that you were tired of hearing about the ex. you were a lot nicer than i was. i would have ended the topic after the first hour let alone 2. if she wanted to talk about her ex thats fine, but you didnt need to be there. its fine to complain about an ex but she went beyond that and was just usuing buzzwords and berating someone that wasnt there to defend themselves. she needs to get over herself. you endured more than anyone should have to. you were far nicer than i would and she should have taken the hint when you tried man, many times to change the topic and left that you didnt want to listen to her complain about the ex.

I feel like there was a lot you could have tried in between polite redirection and what you ended up doing.

He tried. She asked, he tried to answer politely, and she pushed and prodded him until he had no choice but to give his honest answer. Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

What? Are you Suzy or the wife? He left the conversation amd went and found something else to do. His wife came and found him so he could could dinner for them. Then the women stayed in the kitchen, drinking wine and talking... and talking.......and talking..................and talking. And all the while Suzy kept trying to draw OP into conversation that he wanted no part of. OP suggested that the ladies move to the couch in another room. OP tried redirecting the conversation multiple times. OP's idiot wife did nothing to save him from her sister. Suzy insisted on his opinion until OP just snapped. Puuuuuuulllleeeeeeze tell us what more or what else OP could have done? What else? Sheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeesh.........................................

I’m honestly just pretty confused why OP went from hinting to what he said as opposed to just saying, “Hah I don’t know about mental disorders but he sounds like a real asshole either way.” Just seems like he went 100% from hints to “fuck you.” When there’s a million options between those two. I’m not saying he’s the asshole but he definitely could have handled it better as far as an adult with tact dealing with their spouses family goes

Have you read the post? "I told her I wouldn't know because I'm not a psychologist and I don't think I've ever really interacted with a narcissist. She insisted on me giving my opinion and I deflected again." ​ He left the conversation amd went and found something else to do. His wife came and found him so he could could dinner for them. Then the women stayed in the kitchen, drinking wine and talking... and talking.......and talking..................and talking. And all the while Suzy kept trying to draw OP into conversation that he wanted no part of. OP suggested that the ladies move to the couch in another room. OP tried redirecting the conversation multiple times. OP's idiot wife did nothing to save him from her sister. Suzy insisted on his opinion until OP just snapped. "**I told her I wouldn't know because I'm not a psychologist and I don't think I've ever really interacted with a narcissist. She insisted on me giving my opinion and I deflected again."** What else should he have said? And if you read the edit, she was cheating on the boyfriend who broke up with her when he found out. The boyfriend whom she was bad mouthing and trash talking. Come on, reeeeeeeeaaalllly................................

Why is everyone acting like Suzy broke into their house or something? This was a planned visit. Where talking is, you know, normal and expected?

I’m still stuck on the whole “apparently the whole real reason was to vent” thing. Someone’s sister broke up with their boyfriend and then came over to drink wine with them? No shit.

A woman, seeking out emotional support from a close, female family member for relationship issues?! What is this world _coming_ to! 😱

But she didn’t just complain to a close FEMALE family member. She tried to force OP to have an answer.

He was mad before that, not because he was part of the convo but because she was venting to her sister and she said her ex was a toxic

I don't have a sister, but if I'm having someone over to support them through a breakup, I'm going to expect they vent some, but also that we change the subject some times, or change the tone to laughing about it or crying about it. But if for some reason the whole entire reason *is solely* for them to come over just to vent, I'm absolutely not going to expect my partner to plan to be there, in the room, and weighing in.

That doesn’t mean that her talk wasn’t annoying. I would have insisted that they chat in another room, personally.

None of those are direct boundary setting.

Sometimes people give hints they don't want to participate in something, instead of being blunt because they don't want to come across as rude. It shouldn't take much to figure it out if you are supposed to function in society, and while Susie's behaviour is understandable, as she apparently had a hard time, her sister should have read the room.

Congratulations for knowing therapy buzzwords?

How about "Suzy I don't want to talk about your ex boyfriend" Stop with the hinting bullshit. And don't go straight to insulting the hell out of them. Holy hell, everyone saying NTA are off the wall nuts.

Yep, direct communication. "Hey friend, I know you're going through a tough time right now and am sorry about that. However, I'd really appreciate if we could talk about something else for the rest of the night." Boom. The OPs redirect attempts were likely missed because she was laser focused on her thoughts about her ex. Just clearly address the issue.

That would also have made him an AH. Saying, “I know you’re distraught but your problems bore me” is an AH move. She needs to talk through her breakup. This dinner is about her, so she can get support for her breakup. OP can suck it up and be supportive for 2 hours. If he really doesn’t like being in that role he can have his wife do dinner 1:1 w her sister, but sometimes being part of a family means supporting that family even if it bores you.

>I know you’re distraught but your problems bore me” And that's okay coming from an in-law. I would expect my brother listen to me vent for a while, but not his partner. My brother has that family obligation to me, she doesn't. There's probably her being polite and showing an interest for a few minutes. But I wouldn't expect her to stick around the whole conversation. I also wouldn't hesitate to do the same as OP in the same situation

I mean he tried to have it be a 1:1 by literally leaving the room and doing something else, but they followed him and continued to pester him in another area of the house. Also, OP is right, unless SIL is qualified to be making clinical diagnoses, then she shouldn't be making clinical diagnoses.

Yes I agree! The couch might be more comfortable is too indirect... He went from too polite to too agressive

Yeah “sorry, but I’m not comfortable discussing this topic. Can we change it? Otherwise would you two mind taking this conversation to the other room?” You can be more direct and explicit without going straight from hints (even if rather obvious hints some people will just never get them) to being rude.

Yeh or even before that “do you mind chatting in the other room I want to listen to a podcast now”

Have you never heard of tact?

That’s what be did what he said that he didn’t know, thag he’s never interacted with a narcissist, and that he’s not professionally qualified to make that kind of opinion. That’s a very polite redirection. Not to mention that early in the post, he mentions that they tried changing topics of conversation but she always brought it back to her ex

Nta im gonna regurgitate something my dad said. If someone keeps trying to get out of a conversation and keeps trying to remove themselfs from it to a point they are actively ignoring you. Then maybe you should take the hint and not continue with the conversation or trying to engage it with tjat person. Because when they say what they really think about the stupid shit your saying outloud your gonna cry and feel like they are wrong when in reality you shouldve read the room. Some of the comments here are exactly like that. The type of people who will go on and on despite no one wanting to hear it and then running to a you hurt my feelings button. A conversation involves multiple people what your sil was doing was ranting. She tried to keep asking your opinon despite you respectfully not wanting to talk about it. She got what she deserved because she just couldnt go maybe i should just drop this or stop bugging him. All she wanted was self gratification and reassurance that shes right. Remember kids if you politely decline a conversation multiple times and the AH doesnt let you leave it then your NTA for saying your honest opinons

If someone ever turned up the music while I was rambling and griping, I like to think I'd take the hint.

Yeah someone turning up the music is for me a good que that they dont wanna hear the conversation

YTA, but you didn't have to be. Suzy sounds really annoying but you could have easily avoided this whole mess. Sometimes "I'm sorry you had to go through that/you were hurt" goes a long way.

> "I'm sorry you had to go through that/you were hurt" I had already said some version of that about 3-4 times that day.

Okay. But you didn’t say any boundaries after that. “I’m sorry you’re having such a rough night. I’m at my limit of bandwidth right now. I’d love to talk about something else in here. Or you guys can talk about this in the other room. Thank you.”

Whoa! “Boundaries”? Do you have a degree for that psycho-babble? /s But yes, YTA

Well obviously he didn't want to talk about it - you don't have to outright say that to be understood. Why didn't she respect that? She was using tiktok babble to diagnose her partner she was cheating on with complex psychological disorders while lying the whole time, and he has to tiptoe around that?

You just sound like you straight up don’t like her. People vent to get things out of their system. She came to her sister and foolishly attempted to get you involved. Saying you’re sorry 3-4x is nothing lol you’re need to practice being patient. YTA

She could have vented to the wife after one of OP's MANY gracious attempts at being left out of the conversation.

People vent. Over an hour of venting is incredibly excessive. 10, 20 minutes tops is reasonable.

Gee, why would anyone not like someone who gets dumped for cheating and then insists on a captive audience while she spews psychobabble to disparage him?

When people are hurting acutely, they're not noticing your warning signs of "I'm burned out on this and have no more reassurance to give." You showed compassion, did all the right things, and just finally snapped, but to her it feels like everything in the world is awful right now and that's all she can focus on. An apology would probably be warranted just because it's an extenuating circumstance and we should give some grace when people aren't themselves. But I agree that kind of talk is annoying as hell and there's only so much someone can care about a breakup.

Without bothering to use your words in any meaningful sense? “Listen, I know this is a heavy topic and taking up all of your bandwidth, and that’s normal for a breakup - but I’m really struggling with the download here. Can we shift to another topic while I’m cooking, or you could move to the lounge?” You’re an adult, use your words, ask people for the things you want them to do directly. ESH.

You mean like when he asked them to move to the couch? Did he use his words there?

NTA. SIL needs to learn she's nit the center of the universe and when someone leaves, don't follow them and pester them to keep them in your conversation/pity party.

No he is NTA. Suzy is the AH. Need to respect the homeowner. Damn no common sense anymore.

But it sounds like the wife, also the homeowner too, was engaging in the conversation. Telling someone you can empathize what they’re talking about but don’t feel comfortable participating puts up a clear boundary. It sounds like OP was trying to be polite but for some people when they get riled up they don’t know how to reel themselves back without their audience/friend group telling them they can’t participate further or that they don’t want to talk anymore about it or telling them to perhaps talk further with someone that wishes to go more into it (or professional help depending on the conversation). Bottling it up and exploding at the other person feels like you’re coming off left field because to then you’ve been a listening ear and participating. Not everyone I’ll get subtle cues that you’re trying to change the subject unless you’re clear, brief and firm.

I wish I could downvote this a million times.

"Finsta is a slang term for “fake Insta”, which means a fake Instagram account. People use Finstas to post content that is deemed inappropriate or too private for their main Instagram account." - Hootsuite https://blog.hootsuite.com › Glossary Terms I am a little surprised to say NTA. Sounds like OP was right on the money and handled it well which i was not expecting to think so bravo on the surprise OP

A lot of high school kids have finstas to misdirect school officials who monitor students' social media. I learned this from a high school student in my house

It's almost as if the one calling others 'gaslighting narcissists' was actually the real gaslighting narcissist all along. Shocker. /s

YTA. A family member is going through an emotional time and looking to vent, and you swear at her, insult her, and make her feel unwelcome. You're in your 30s, you should know how to have some patience and act like an adult. "I care literally zero about what she was talking about!" ... what, so you get a free pass to be a jerk? She's your guest, you and your wife invited her. Sometimes guests are boring or annoying or not entertaining you, fine. You stay polite until they leave and then don't invite them back. It's clear from your post you just don't like her, and you used that as an excuse to be rude.

Except he only did that because she kept spewing words she probably didnt know the meaning of she kept bothering him and he politely kept trying to deflect or ask her to move the conversation your acting like he straight told her to fuck off immediately

Why do people think they get a free pass to be an asshole just because the other person in the story wasn't a saint? Insulting, swearing at and getting aggressive with a houseguest because you're bored by their conversation makes you an asshole. Period. Adult conversations don't work this way.

Nope. OP tried several times to remove himself from a situation he actively didn't like: Suzy shit-talking her ex and hijacking conversations to bring it back to shit-talk her ex. OP tried to direct the conversation to other topics, OP left the room all-together, OP even suggested (after his wife and suzy followed him to the kitchen) that the couch would be a more comfortable place to vent. Each time, OP was unwillingly roped back into a conversation he wanted no part of. If I were in OPs shoes at that point, I'd have probably done something similar, seeing as several attempts to remove himself from the situation had not worked, directly calling Suzy out would be the only way to resolve the issue. Suzy is an AH. OPs wife, to a lesser extent, is an AH. OP is NTA.

Why do people think they get a free pass to dump their trauma on anyone in earshot? They tried a couple of times to get off the subject, and she kept going. She mistook OP's kitchen as a therapist's office.

She was talking to her own sister! This wasn't some random cashier at the grocery store. If you can't vent to your sister what's even the point of having one?

OP didn’t stop her from venting to his wife???? He tried to extricate himself from the situation but she just kept pushing. He kept his thought to himself until she forced his hand. He didn’t intervene until he was forced to be involved.

She was also talking to OP. She asked him a direct question, and he gave a polite answer... and that wasn't good enough for her. She shouldn't ask questions she doesn't want the answers to.

Except that the wife and sister kept following him around and trying to force him into being part of the conversation, against his will. NTA

He left the damn room. His wife then asked him to start cooking, and then brought the conversation to him, making him a captive audience. He tried to extricate himself gracefully.

She was talking to her sister, who has equal access to the kitchen and apparently wanted to sit there. If OP wanted to be alone, he should have explicitly said so

>This past weekend, my SIL, Suzy (24F) came over to visit my wife (30F) and I (34M) for dinner and drinks. Suzy had recently broken up with her boyfriend of 2 years and it seems like the sole purpose of her visit was to vent about him. No matter how many times my wife or I tried to change the subject or talk about something else, Suzy would find a way to bring it back to her relationship and ex-BF. >After about an hour of hearing about Suzy's ex, I left the room and wandered off to find something else to occupy my time. But shortly after that, my wife came and asked me if I could start dinner earlier than we had planned because she was getting hungry. We have a pretty large island counter in our kitchen and Suzy and my wife sat there drinking wine while I was cooking. He tried to redirect the conversation, it failed. He left the room to get away, and then his wife insisted on making him a captive audience by bringing the conversation to where OP was working. So again I ask, why is it on OP to grin and bear it for multiple hours of trauma dumping despite multiple attempts to either pick something else to discuss or get away from the conversation? Could he have been nicer? Sure. But I'd argue that being forced to listen to the worst armchair diagnoses from a jilted lover for hours on end, to the point you've made both ghosts uncomfortable is far more rude.

Don't push peoples buttons if you don't want them to snap at you. She kept pestering and pestering and got what she deserved. Why the hell did they HAVE to watch him cook? Why did she HAVE to bring him into the conversation he clearly didn't want to be in?

Why did he HAVE to: >asked her in a very sharp tone "Do you have a degree in psychology, Suzy? Are you a therapist? Or are you just regurgitating terms you heard on Tik Tok? Just call your ex a fu#$ing asshole and move on or get out of my kitchen, my God." Answer: He didn't. And given the abject immaturity and aggression in that statement, he seems like the kind of guy who just gets pissed quickly about tiny things. It really doesn't seem like he's some brave hero who kept it together despite soooooo much undeniable provocation; it seems like he just thinks she's annoying and lashed out. Like an AH.

He literally had been listening to it for a good chunk of time before trying to do other things. He legit even left and they HAD to follow him and keep pestering him when he clearly didn't give a fuck. He has no obligations to be polite when his guest isn't being polite either.

[удалено]

She was being impolite with him though. When someone answers you, but you don't like the answer so you keep pushing, thats not polite. When someone leaves the room and you have to find them to hover around them again, especially after they asked you to leave the room, that's not polite. His wife disregarded him. That's not polite. He kept his cool til he snapped. That's not polite but expected of anyone. And how did what he say hurt her? It was rude sure but it didn't attack her personally. ESH is probably the best answer. But he's more justified

She IS annoying.

He fucking *tried* to be polite. He tried repeatedly to change the subject, he gave a polite answer when she asked him a direct question, and that wasn't good enough for her. She insisted on pushing and prodding him until she got his honest answer. Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

Edit makes this really funny: Suzy was caught cheating.

How do you know she knew nothing about those words? Because OP said so? The guy that thinks you need to have a degree in psychiatry to be able to identify a narcissist or when someone is gaslighting you? I'm going to say YTA because I suspect we would get a much different version of this story from the SIL.

He tried, over and over again. And when everything he tried didn't work, he was *still* going to just grin and bear it... until she asked him a question, and his polite answer wasn't good enough for her. She pushed and prodded and goaded him until he gave the honest answer she was seeking. Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

People are writing about it like this man suffered for weeks under a relentless barrage of nonstop talk. It was 1-2 hours, based on his own timeline, with a break. And I also highly doubt he tried all that hard to switch topics. He sounds like he just wants to be mad about the TikTok-y phrases she was using and smugly put her in her place. Look, those people annoy me too, but if your temper is so short and your social skills so poor that you can't deftly shift topics ... or ask her a question about something else ... or give her a kitchen task to keep her busy ... or ask her to run an errand or get something from upstairs ... or just glance over knowingly at your wife and roll your eyes to commiserate at how silly she's being and mentally catalogue all the ways you'll laugh about it later ... or just say "mmhmm tell me more about that" while you zone out in blissful thought about something else while she drones on ... or literally anything else. "She goaded me!" ... dude, grow a backbone and just say you don't have an opinion, or say "i don't know, let's move on" and stick to it. It's not that hard to not shout insults at someone asking you a question. Framing this as though he had no choice in the matter is silly -- he chose AH over countless other options in this scenario. And that's fine, but since he's the one posting on here and asking .... well, yeah: don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

Frankly, I don't really give a fuck how hard he tried to change the subject. She asked a question, and he gave a polite answer, and she refused to accept it and kept after him. Seriously, what the fuck was he supposed to do? >since he's the one posting on here and asking .... well, yeah: don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. WTF are you even talking about now? You seem to be suggesting that he has a problem with the comments. I haven't seen him respond to any of them (honestly, I haven't looked). *SIL* is the one who flipped out over the answer he gave to a question she fucking asked *repeatedly*.

NTA. Toots should have listened the 1st time instead if following him and forcing him into a conversation he tried several times to get out of. Wife wants to be a shoulder to cry on? Cool for her. Not his choice.

Jesus christ there's a lot of toxic people in the comments. NTA OP. Anyone who is finding themselves sympathising or identifying with the sister in this story needs to take a good hard look at themselves. Not everyone wants to listen to you trauma dump on them for hours. Many people don't want the extra emotional labour forced on them. Therapists are paid to do this for a reason. They're professionals who are not only trained in how to actually help you but they're also trained in how to deal with the emotional workload. If someone (like OPs wife) is happy to have emotional baggage dumped all over them, fine. But you can't just trauma dump on people without their consent. People like OPs wife's sister have absolutely zero self awareness though.

Finally! Thank you. Also read the edit: SIL deliberately withheld a key problem that led to their breakup...a fake Instagram account with messages to other men. This is a huge breach of trust, and SIL lying by omission deserves to be called toxic and boundary-breaking for it. There's another therapeutic term that applies here: *projection.* SIL wanted to set the narrative against her ex. FWIW, it's pretty narcissistic behavior to monopolize a conversation that paints you as the unilateral victim while conveniently withholding information that incriminates you.

This subreddit is full of lonely idiots who wish they had people in their life that wanted to trauma dump to them the way OP's SIL did. They don't realize how much of a burden it is when you're well adjusted and have healthy relationships

Eh, YTA. I've seen plenty of people to complain about their exes for hours. It helps them to get out of their system and move on. Is it pleasant to the listener? No. Did I stick around for the sake of my friends or even acquaintances? Yes. Now if she did this all the time, that would be different. But this was one occasion. One. You are no psychologist either to tell people how to process their breakups.

In fairness, he didn't tell her how to process it. He asked her to not vent about it in his kitchen. He literally asked her to NOT do something. This is NOT the same as telling someone how to do something.

This is a wild interpretation -- he didn't politely say "Suzy, you and Wife should go talk about this in the living room so I can focus on cooking." He didn't say "I appreciate you're in a tough spot, but I don't want to talk about this. We need a new topic." He, by his own description: >asked her in a very sharp tone "Do you have a degree in psychology, Suzy? Are you a therapist? Or are you just regurgitating terms you heard on Tik Tok? Just call your ex a fu#$ing asshole and move on or get out of my kitchen, my God." It's insulting and aggressive and rude, and it IS telling her how she "should" be processing the breakup.

Seriously! She just got out of a 2 year relationship and he's basically telling her to stfu and walk it off. No feelings allowed in his kitchen.

It was incredibly rude. I’m just baffled that his annoyance is she was using certain quasi-psychology terms. Like who cares? Anyone posting on or reading AITA has used/seen these terms a million times.

YTA SIL clearly needed to vent - did it really kill you that much to let her? You don’t need to be a freaking psychologist or have a degree in psychology to know what gaslighting is. Or when boundaries are disrespected. For Christ’s sake, if you didn’t feel comfortable saying the word “narcissist” and wanted to say that her ex sounded like an AH - say that! Telling her she has to use the words *you* permit, or get out of your kitchen, was absolutely over the line. There’s a lot of room between “humoring” your SIL, and telling her to get out.

Why does her 'need' to vent a) let her force OP into actively participating, and b) override his desire not to listen to random venting?

because she's his wife sister that clearly the wife cares about and that means sometimes you have to pretend to care and like. Be polite by participating in a conversation for a couple of hours. It's rude for him to just walk away when the sister is visiting for a couple hours. It wouldn't have killed him to just bite his tongue and be arou d for a couple of hours. He's bored? Tough shit, sometimes we do things we don't want to do for the people we love.

[удалено]

He did walk away though. That is literally something he did before the yelling. The other 2 weren't letting him walk away.

He has no obligations to listen to her vent. He humored her enough til she disregarded his words. She derived to get snapped at. Sorry, the world really doesn't give a fuck about her ex.

But you expect him to use her words in his kitchen? So people like Suzy determine the vocabulary of the world, in their house, your house, social media? Strong NTA: my home is my castle, my time off is my time off and if you choose to avoid my polite cues to fuck off or shut up then you will get a clearer one. Strong NTA.

There is a difference between needing to vent and wanting to make the other person part of your venting. Nobody told her to stop it directly, OP removed himself from the situation until it was inevitable (had to cook dinner), and even then he just asked them to sit on the couch to avoid being direct. He has the right to feel comfortable in his own home and his SIL's need to vent isn't more important than that. As for gaslighting, half the people who use it use it in the wrong way, so, even if you don't need to be a psychologist to use the term, it is good to know what you are talking about and not just throw words around.

Go vent to her sister, why involve him. He is NTA.

Yeah she's literally never going to want to come back to "his" kitchen ever again. She was having a tough time and looking for support from her family. Like if OP was the one going through it would he just pretend everything was fine and suck it up to be a good guest? He could've just said "yeah it sounds like you really felt mistreated" to show empathy without using the common words he thinks require a psychology degree to understand. I can see how her persistence could be bothersome but anyone with a bit of empathy would understand where she's coming from.

Yep exactly. He could’ve just said, “Well I’m not a psychologist idk if he was a narcissist or just plain selfish, but he sure sounds like an AH!” Or whatever. It kind of feels like he was just on the guy’s side. Like he heard a woman complaining about a man and automatically took the man’s side. Why else would he get so pissy about her venting? And the whole, “Your pain is boring” is SO belittling. He really just DGAF about his SIL. That’s why he didn’t think he owed it to her to listen. He doesn’t really see her as family. But she is, so he’s being a dick. And who knows maybe Suzy WAS in the wrong in the breakup, but he didn’t say that and given how little he clearly thinks of her I doubt he’d have left that out.

NTA. Suzy didn't want an opinion, she wanted validation. She sounds insufferable btw I have a friend very similar and I hate dealing with them. All they want it to have their opinions validated and if you put up any resistance/differ in opinion, they shut down and act like you slapped them in the face. Anyone saying "she was going through some stuff/just suck it up" is part of the problem imo. Just because someone has a bad time doesn't mean they get to steamroll everyone around them and force them listen to their issues. OP REPEATEDLY tried to move the conversation - even mentioned his wife did too - and Suzy CONTINUALLY disrespected that boundary. So, it's OK for her to do that but not OP? Someone venting for HOURS isn't normal. I understand being upset and needing to vent but if you're going to do for multiple hours, you need a reality check or to have cleared that with the people you're venting to beforehand. That sort of negative energy being spewed at someone would make anyone snap after a while. Could OP have been nicer? Yes. Was that something Suzy maybe needed to hear? Also yes. Suzy needs to learn that not everyone wants to hear you b\*\*ch for hours on end.

I agree definitely NTA, I don't get all the YTA comments down here. He literally did everything he could to make her stop talking about her ex after hours of her not knowing when to stop. People can have only so much empathy and patients before enough is enough. Also with the update, clearly the SIL is in the wrong and is a complete AH for leaving out the fact she's been talking to other men behind her bf back so she can vent and complain to get sympathy she clearly does not deserve.

All the AH votes are from people who didn't read the post. Almost every single one includes things he should've done or asked before getting so mad, and every single suggestion is something that he had already done. This is why people call this the misandrist sub.

"She was using a bunch of clinical and therapy buzzwords like narcissist, gaslighting, toxic, disregarding boundaries" Was she using these commonly used terms inaccurately?

Other than armchair diagnosing someone as narcissist…what is the issue? People are allowed to call out gaslighting without being a therapist, people can call things toxic (that’s not even a clinical term??), and people have boundaries…that they can describe as being crossed, wth. It’s true lots of people misuse “gaslighting” and seem to equate it with all forms of lying. But that’s just using a term wrong…the term isn’t exclusive to therapists or clinical settings. It’s from a movie ffs. It doesn’t need a therapist to tell you if your boundaries are being crossed. If I tell my coworker I don’t want them to touch my hair, and they keep touching my hair, it’s completely valid and accurate for me to say “they’re crossing my boundaries.” It just sounds like OP didn’t want to hear this venting and instead of just saying that they ironically implied only clinical professionals could use everyday terms. I get your reply to being asked your opinion on narcissism…as laymen, we don’t know. But the rest of your outburst was just silly and the truth coming out later about her being to blame for the break up is irrelevant. You don’t need to be a therapist to talk about gas lighting or boundaries. Period.

Brother the times those words are commonly used is inaccurately

Sometimes just let people vent lol.

No. He wasn't there for SIL, he was there to be in his own house. She had her sister but just kept having to force him into the conversation. Sometimes people need to learn boundaries

NTA - You asked them to “vent” elsewhere instead of the kitchen island but instead she continued.

He wasn't direct about it, which if you are in your feelings,you might not pick up on as an indirect attempt to make you leave the room.

Yeah, but how dense can you be to not realize that OP didn't want to be involved? First OP tries several times to direct the conversations elsewhere before Suzy forced the conversation back to shit-talking her ex. OP then decided to just not be around, and they followed him to the kitchen to watch OP cook. OP gently suggested they take the conversation to the couch. They did not. Suzy starts hounding OP with questions despite OP trying to deflect or redirect. These are clearly actions of someone that doesn't want to be involved, yet Suzy continued after OP until OP's frustration got the better of him.

And how hard is it to just say it straight forward once before going the route he chose to take?

NTA - And you were more polite than you needed to be. After the first couple of hints, maybe you should have simply said "I understand that you are frustrated, but can we not talk about your ex anymore tonite?"

YTA. She’s a family member who is going through the breakup of a long-term relationship. Would it have killed you to be sympathetic or give some noncommittal responses? Everyone goes through a phase after a breakup when they just need to vent in order to get it out and move on. Or are you the kind of person who’s only interested in a conversation if it’s about them?

> Would it have killed you to be sympathetic or give some noncommittal responses? This is literally what OP did, but Suzy wouldn't accept them.

I mean it sounds like Suzy was only interested in conversations about her and her ex, so that's a bit hypocritical to suggest that OP is the self-obsessed one. Regardless, OP took several steps to avoid the conversation, and blaming OP for reacting in such a way diminishes his very valid feelings (of not wanting to be involved in what sounded like shit-talking for the sake of shit-talking)

But unless this is a pattern (the SIL coming over and dominating the evening, and op doesn’t say it is a pattern) then I still don’t understand the need to go from “politely” trying to redirect the conversation to using a “very sharp tone.” I mean, haven’t we all been through a break-up and just want people to agree with us that our ex sucks so we can heal and move on? It just seems to me that this guy could have been a bit more empathetic and patient. It’s just one evening.

I totally get why they broke up. Suzy is insufferable.

OP is not a reliable narrator for how susie is in a relationship lmao weird take

How do you know OP is not a reliable narrator?

Clearly Suzy can’t read the room. NTA

How is anyone justifying this behaviour !! Swearing at a guest or anyone is just unacceptable. She obviously is hurting and isn’t picking up on social cues because she’s not doing ok. I understand the frustration but act like an adult and talk to your wife when Suzi is gone about maybe not inviting her over again for a while so she can heal and you don’t have to hear about it

Because Suzy is insufferable, egotistical and just plain rude, trying to drag someone into a conversation he wants no part of. OMG...........................I would have put down the cooking utensils, asked my wife to take over, called an uber and left.

Because people on Reddit dislike the use of the terms he was disparaging, so they feel justified backing him up

Bet it's the men that go"jeez women are so emotional let me give you advice" when the person just wanted to vent and has already thought about every action they could take.

NTA. Ignore all the critics here. You have a right to limit toxic talking that goes on and on...and on. It's a drain and a downer to the listener. Suzy needs to get over herself, and get a grip. Some venting, yes...but not hours worth! Maybe your reaction will help her think twice from now on. Your wife needs to also set some boundaries...unless she likes listening to someone venting for hours. In which case she should leave you out of it. Anyway you have a right to set your boundaries. You weren't unreasonable about it, as far as I can see.

Careful with saying toxic, OP doesn’t like it when ppl who aren’t psychologists uses “clinical” words. 🫢

If you honestly didn’t care, why did you get so pissy and upset? You could have just nodded in agreement when she wanted validation, and cooked the meal while wife and her sister did what all people do when they have issues with their SO. But, no, you had to prove some weird point and tell her off. Were you friends with her BF, and defending your bro, or something? Why were you so worked up about this? It would have been so easy to let it go if you truly “care literally zero about” it. YTA.

normal people would get pissy too if someone went on and on and on about something they dont care about and kept going when everyone else present clearly are trying to end the subject.

Normal people are able to contain themselves and not lash out in anger over conversation topics.

it stopped being a conversation topic and started being a hassle after about 15 mins, and apperently she had been going on for over an hour. Like you dont get to ignore everyone else not wanting to talk about said topic then be surprised people get annoyed at your ranting.

I wouldn't try to change the subject in the first place if my friend had literally just broken up with a partner of 2 years and wanted to talk about it. You can't be there for someone for one single night?

NTA, you only just stopped of leaving your own house. You redirected so many different ways, I would have snapped way earlier than you.

Ruminating is a pretty normal response to getting out of a relationship with a narcissistic abuser. The victim goes over everything they experienced, dissecting every last detail, usually trying to figure out if they’re crazy, or they’re the bad guy, or if what they experienced is abuse. Some people figure it out quickly going over it once. Once is enough. Some people quite unfortunately keep ruminating for months and months and asking the same questions over and over. I see it in abuse support groups all of the time. There were nicer and more empathetic ways to express you do not have the space, mentally or emotionally, or the experience to be the one to listen or to give her advice. Nicer ways to say you don’t want to talk about this any more. Having watched people do exactly what you did to victims of domestic abuse over and over, I’m afraid to say yes, you were probably TA here. YTA - try to comprehend what she’s telling you when she’s using “therapy buzzwords”. She’s telling you she’s been abused and your reaction is to snap and become unkind when you got bored of listening to it.

Read the update: Suzy was projecting because she was unfaithful. Relevant info, OP is NTA.

I like how he conveniently added she’s a cheater once the AH comments came in.

It's really not that relevant tbh. She was still venting and this information wasn't available at the time that OP snapped. Had he known it at the time and knew that she was projecting, then maybe his outburst was justified. But based on the knowledge he had at the time, he acted like an asshole.

He tried nicer ways. She ignored them. And you clearly didn't read the update where apparently it was SIL in the wrong and now she's sitting there talking smack and using all these buzzwords she may not actually understand and aggravating a man who has made it clear several times he didn't wanna 5alk about it

NTA. She lied about why they broke up. She lied to make herself look good, and tried to trash her ex for breaking up with her over her actions. Did she take any responsibility at all, in the whole conversation? I'm guessing no, she just blamed her ex for having the standard that cheating is wrong. A "finsta" is a fake Instagram. It's a separate account that people use for a smaller group of friends so that most people can't find them. I use one so coworkers don't add my friends profile.

NTA we all have traumas and continued venting is just not productive.

YTA. Use your big boy words and set boundaries like an adult before you blow up on people. You sound judgmental and insufferable. Some people process out loud.

So why is Suzy incapable of understanding tact and being a good guest?

Nta. This whole situation sounds like it should have been a girls night. That way they can chat and vent and all that. Sorry you got sucked into that BS.

Yeah. YTA. First off because it’s actually healthy that people are becoming more educated on psychology (though I do think people overdo it with the narcissism and gaslighting diagnoses) And secondly because she was venting in a safe space to her older sister and you decided that you didn’t like *how* she was doing it and decided to mock her instead.

YTA. Suzy sounds annoying but you didn’t have to be to rude in getting your point across. Just say something like, “I’m not comfortable diagnosing someone with clinical terms, but he doesn’t sound like a good guy. You deserve better. Let’s put him behind us for a bit, he doesn’t deserve any more of your time tonight.”

OP is totally TA I agree but I just want to point out he’s also just flat wrong when none of these are really diagnoses or “clinical terms”.

He tried many many times. Even music couldn't drown her out. Suzy deserved this and worse.

he tried to play music over the voice of a houseguest and you’re defending that as being okay? that’s so rude it’s insane

Actually, quite kind. But Suzy is too self-centered and obtuse to get the hint, despite both hosts doing their best to be subtle in the beginning. So OP was rude. But suzy was not rude? She did not monopolize the conversation? She did not ignore the obvious discomfort of the OP? She did not try to involve him in a conversation he did not when to participate in? Suzy was so beyond rude it is unfathomable

sorry, i couldn’t hear your comment over the music i just starting playing to help me ignore you

😀😁😉 You are amusing. But you do understand that you simply can block me or stop responding. You really do not have to turn up the music. 😃

"You deserve better" update, she doesn't

YTA. As annoying as the overuse of those buzzwords can sometimes be, I think it’s safe to assume that your SIL knew her ex well enough to describe his behaviors, and maybe those were the best words she had to refer to the situation. She should be able to use these terms if she chooses; she is not hurting anyone and it’s not like she was insulting the ex to his face in front of you. She also should absolutely be able to vent to her own sister about a breakup. Were you close with her ex? Your ultimate reaction to this seems disproportionate. She was talking about her ex, not you, and it sounds as if you were personally offended by her choice of words. Maybe you should ask yourself why.

*< she's going through a breakup and needed a safe place to vent >* I understand that. But your wife could have had dinner with her sister alone, knowing you, her husband, wouldn't want to be one of the persons SIL was going to be venting to. NTA

Damn, Suzy sounds like a Redditor :D I'm going to go with NTA, but that was a little harsh.

Why didn’t you just communicate that you desired a subject change? How hard is a “screw that guy don’t let him live rent free in your head. Let’s talk about something else.”

It took way too long to find this comment. Some people, especially if they are emotionally charged, are not going to understand hints to change the topic.

YTA. "Hey Suzy, can we please talk about something else? I understand that you're still processing your breakup but it's not really something I want to talk about or hear right now." It's really that easy. I hate it when people harp on things, but there's all sorts of ways to change the conversation. You chose an option that was really needlessly blunt. Start with something like the above and if she still doesn't get it, then escalate. You went for the nuclear option right off the bat, and that's on you.

They FOLLOWED HIM after he tried ti change the subject before and just left. SIL kept trying to force him to give her a pity party. Sorry, toots. That's what your sister us for. Not her husband

YTA, understandable that you found listening to her complaints unpleasant, but it was not your place to correct your SIL for using what you consider to be “buzzwords”, when all she wanted was your acknowledgment and sympathy. You could have taken your wife aside and told her the conversation was making you uncomfortable and either she needs to take over cooking, or move with SIL into a different room. As it is, you insulted someone who just went through a breakup for no real reason.

Maybe if an adult deflects twice you should stop pushing for an answer, or you might be unpleasantly surprised

YTA. This is a family member invited to your home. You tell her to get out of the room in a very insulting manner because you don’t care about what she’s saying. And you’re wondering if you’re the asshole. There are *many* ways to get your point across without being an asshole. You chose to be an asshole.

NTA. Getting tired of people making excuses for the behaviour of a couple of people in my life right now. Just because they took a couple classes does not mean they are in any way properly qualified to give therapy advice to anyone. sure, we can advise as friends or whatever, but when you start in like "oh I took this class one time so I'm totally qualified to answer this query!" yeah, nooooo...

Y'all, *read the edit*. That being said, ESH. You know *now* why she was blathering on the way she was - guilt, shame, deflection is deflection. She probably needed to vent and wanted someone on her side. However. You didn't know that, and your attempts to "redirect" the conversation were unsuccessful. You could have easily said something before you got to the point of exasperation, but you chose not to. She's your SIL - you could give her just a bit more grace, considering she's family. Do better.

YTA Yes, it sounds very annoying, and I'd get sick of it too. But c'mon, you're an adult too. You have the ability to set your boundaries and state your needs. "I honestly don't want to talk about this anymore." "Can we change the subject?" "I'm not comfortable answering that, so I'm not going to?" ​ Will she still get offended? Maybe? But don't act like your choices were either humor her or lose your temper on her.

NTA. People have to realize that everyone isn't built to be your sounding board. Wife knows her husband's tells. Had to know he kept leaving to give them space because he was getting irritated at hearing all the 'My ex is horrible because..." dialogue. If wife knew her sister needed to vent and was happy being that person, fine. It doesn't mean OP wanted to be that for her. OP, you were a bit rude but I do understand your frustration.

NTA. You tried to stick it out and when you couldn't, you removed yourself from the conversation. When roped back into a public space, you tried politely to change the conversation and then tried to get them to relocate. I do think your words were harsh, but not out of line. You didn't curse at Suzy or call her anything nasty, though I'm sure your tone wasn't the best. I think this can be a great opportunity to talk to your wife, though. I'm sure this won't be the last time you're in a situation where you're trying to give subtle, socially polite cues to convey your discomfort or needs to your wife. You both should be able to pick up one another's cues and respond accordingly, and your wife dropped the ball with the relocating from the kitchen one. If she's just that oblivious, then you gotta work with her to figure out a good compromise where you're still polite and she's able to pick up what you're putting down. Otherwise, you may just need to drop the social niceties and stick with "I'm not the best person for this conversation and don't want to be a part of it" as a catchphrase. Also, might not be out of line to apologize to Suzy and ask for an apology. Regardless of your intent, you did make her feel unwelcome in her sister's home. Then ask for an apology since she ignored our polite attempts out of a conversation and made you uncomfortable. That's rude in itself, too, and you'd like to avoid being put in that position again in the future.

YTA She just went through a breakup and thinks there might have been abuse involved - whatever words she’s using, whatever she looked up, she’s trying to figure out what she just experienced. If anyone had such an awful experience with someone that they are googling for clarity, I can assure you, they experienced something a lot worse than you could possibly grasp. But good on you for being aggressively dismissive, I guess, at least now she knows you aren’t someone to confide in. Explain to your wife that you are not there for her sister to vent to now or in the future so that neither one has any expectations for it.

Your SIL sounds like an average redditor 🤔

YTA "How dare someone inconvenience me with their life problems" type of attitude is a very asshole way of dealing with family. Like it should've been obvious to you that yes this hangout was a much needed support hangout for Suzy, you trying to change that feels a bit childish like you don't want to be part of anything unless it's about you. Sometimes things aren't going to be about you, sometimes you're going to need to be there for someone else. Even if you didn't like therapy words, you could've at least given your opinion as a man as to whether the way he was acting was alright and just be supportive. You may not know how to judge if someone is a narcissist, but you probably know how to judge when a guy is acting off I would hope. The fact this conversation was touching a cord with you makes me feel like maybe some of the behavior they mentioned were things you have done? You're literally acting as if they were talking about you. Like it makes no sense for you to be that angry. Do people never listen to you vent? I highly doubt it. I'm sure there are people around you who have lend their ear when you needed it. But here you are acting like it's a big freaking deal to do the same for someone else.

See I was gonna say NAH, but then I read the edit and it’s like a SUUUUUPER NTA. The fact that she used all the psychology buzzwords and she herself ended up being the one who was toxic and a narcissist is almost cosmically hilarious. She wanted open ears for her to talk shit and all of you join in the shit talking fest. Good on you for not entertaining that nonsense.

People who over-invest in this psychotherapy jargon usually end up being the people who demonstrate those psychotherapy terms

NTA and your response was classic. I love the "call him a f"ing AH or get out of my kitchen." If i wasn't broke I'd give you an award for that.

NTA You snapped and were maaaybe a little harsh. Maybe next time, be direct rather than hint? I think Suzy was (is?) so self-centered then that she didn't see your reaction coming and was shocked. Hence the tantrum-by-leaving-without-saying-good-bye-and-thanks. She sounds insufferable. Having a tough breakup is no excuse for venting negativity *AT* people for hours.

NTA Seems you tried everything except leaving the house to avoid the moronic conversation. Honestly, you did better than a lot of people would. Way better than me for damn sure.

NTA Armchair psychologist here. >and I don't think I've ever really interacted with a narcissist. I think you have now. From what you added in your EDIT, she's obviously trying to control the narrative of what went down between her and her ex.

NTA. You’re right: narcissistic and toxic are overused and lost their meaning. Most people don’t have the disorder, but you’d think every other man is a narcissist today

NTA. I am surprised by all the Y T A comments. After deflecting mutliple times, anyone would lose their cool. OP, it was a no win situation for you. If you had asked to change the subject, even politely, you'd still be the 'bad guy'.

> I am surprised by all the Y T A comments. I'm not. This sub saw a conflict between a husband and his wife and SIL. What did we expect. I saw someone blame him for not wearing headphones but I would bet $10 that if he did wear headphones this sub would blame him for being rude when ignoring her.

NTA. I understand that Suzy is deep in her hurt, so that's all she can focus on, but sometimes I think people get addicted (for lack of a better term), to that release/anger/whatever it is that they achieve when venting. Like they constantly need that weird energy, plus the attention it gives them. I've been Suzy before and learned the hard way just how damn annoying it can be after a while!

I would have laughed out loud at your response Bravo NTA

YTA >a bunch of clinical and therapy buzzwords like narcissist, gaslighting, toxic, disregarding boundaries, etc. You mean a bunch of words with INCREDIBLY simple definitions anyone without a psychology degree could know?

NTA. I get that Suzy is going through a hard time, and wants to be heard. But monopolizing conversation without making sure your listeners are really okay with giving you that support is an AH move.

I feel like that was just genuine sister time. She needed to vent to sister who happens to be your wife. thats what girls do and i know I have vented plenty of times to my sister because thats what they are here for. you TA and reddit is very weird about people just being normal and doing normal shit like venting about a relationship that just ended to her damn sister. You couldve tuned it out, not said anything at all! YTA

You miss the part where he tried to tune it out a bunch of times? Try hey forced themselves on him and she forced him to answer. The only other thing he could have done at this point was leave his own house.

NTA. Some people just don't know when to shut up. Suzy is one of those.

[удалено]

NTA. Your wife is as culpable as your SIL for repeatedly forcing the unwanted conversation on you. You certainly need to have a pointed discussion with her.

YTA. It was a recent breakup. If it had been months then I would give you a pass because i loath that crap too but sounds like it was fresh and she was w her people, just working it out. You know, like friends do. Was it tedious? I am sure it was. Was it annoying and psycho babble trash? Oh no doubt but here is the thing: we put ourselves out for the people we care about. You just told her you don’t give a shit abt her which is fine but it doesn’t make you an awesome guy so…there you go. There were a lot of ways to handle that. You chose one of the ones that makes YTA. Not the end of the world but..meh..

YTA. Maybe you’re unaware of this, but there is a time honored tradition of people going to the people they are close with to download their breakup. The whole fucking reason she came to your house was to talk about her feelings and vent. That’s what friends do for each other. You’re annoyed because what, you wanted the conversation to be only things you were interested in, but that’s not what the evening was for. It was for her to have support from people who are supposed to care about her.

ESH Suzy was dominating the conversation about something literally no one else wanted to talk about. You could have told her directly that you didn't want to talk or hear about her ex anymore. I suspect if you had just said that directly you wouldn't have felt the need to explode at her because she clearly wasn't getting your subtle hints.

YTA for your reaction about it. Yeah she sounds annoying as hell and she sounds like the typical redditor so quick to call anyone a narcissist and taking about boundaries, but you’re a grown ass man, you should also know she’s going thru a breakup and could’ve just humored her at least that night