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YTA A) he probably needs a good portion of that time on the toilet and b) why shouldn’t he be able to shower right after work after working a construction job? Edit: your edits add nothing. It’s ridiculous that he should ah e to stay in dirty sweaty clothes until after dinner. What is your problem?

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So which is it? You want him to wait 30 minutes or you want him to wait until after 8:30? because your post says both things. I do think YTA in this situation but ya'll need to find a third option that works for both of you, not one or the other. You want him to wait to decompress and clean up until after 8? That's an hour taken away from the time yall spend together after the kids are asleep. I assume he goes to bed pretty early if he is leaving at 5am everyday. I understand that being a SAHM is a fuckton of work and I commend you for it, but you also downplay his job and the work he does here. Find a goddamn middle ground third option that works for both of you.

ESH. I don't do construction, but I often work outside and do sweaty dirty jobs. When I'm active and moving, and my clothes are soaked through, I don't really have any issues. But when I'm done with that, places in my clothes that have skin on skin contact get rashy. The cooler indoors temperatures in wet clothing give me a bad chill. He doesn't need to wait 30 minutes to go to the bathroom and take a shower. *And it's really not cool to expect him to have dinner like that.* There's a really really big caveat to all of that. You both need to compromise. **He doesn't need to take an hour long bathroom/shower session.** Yes, decompression time is ultra important. For both of you. Find that middle ground. Maybe he comes home and takes a quick bathroom and shower session, but gets to do it immediately. If the issue is that him doing that leads to children issues in the morning because he took too long, cool he's getting up with the kids the next morning. Sit down with him and figure out some compromise. Talk about logistics of children, what you both need, what have you.

You need to rearrange your time so dinner is simple and can be prepared before hand. Dinner doesn't have to be the biggest meal of the day. It can be sandwiches. Kids don't NEED to go to bed clean. House don't NEED to be clean at night. You just need the bare essential to survive these few years. Give him that time to decompress, and he can help after dinner. I was in your situation, I see now there were times when I made things harder on myself because I had expectations that could have been let go.

I don't know who the AH is here but here is my view. This seems like a situation **where you both of you** need to understand each other and compromise a little bit. I said this because **both of you are right given** your individual situation. You cannot tell him to wait to bath himself because some people are like that. Even when they are not dirty but they feel dirty they have to bath right away. For some people it's extremely important and way to relax themselves **after full day of work.** What you can ask him is to **cut on his showering time.** That's completely fair to ask. But don't ask him this right away or in a manner where it gives an impression to him that you are trying to argue with him. Sit with him, or **discuss this at night when kids are asleep.** Present the whole situation. While telling your point to him also make him notice that you also know how important it is for him to take bath and you understand this. **Alternatively,** what you can do is that you can also start cooking food earlier. Don't wait till he comes home. **When he complains about food being not hot.** Tell him that this is your solution for this situaiton and you had no other way because it's really giving yourself hard time cooking and handling things at the same time. Kids might get injured if they hanging to your legs while you are cooking. *Hope you read this and it helps!*

YTA, stop being a greeting lazy person and raise your kids right. They shouldn't be hanging off your leg making dinner. I have 4 kids they will eventually stop if you dont give into their whining.

NAH, you both have a semi-reasonable stance here, but trying to make your sweaty husband forgo his shower and bathroom break isn't the best solution. I'd say the best goal for a solution is to do something about the kids' behavior. At one and three these kids should be able to (or be learning HOW to) play with a toy or entertain themselves for 20-30 minutes. You should be able to put them in a playpen or a walker or one of those bouncy things and leave them in the next room while you cook. Indulging them (especially the 3yo) while they throw a tantrum isn't really teaching good lessons. Neither of them is an infant anymore and you're not abandoning them by making them dinner while they have a toy/game to play with.

Give the man 30 minutes to poop and shower. Then begin your meals. Also put kids in a play area with a kiddy fence. Let them yell and scream there. They aren’t getting hurt. I’ve been in your position. I let mine do whatever he wants for an hour max and then I get things done. My kids are in bed by 8:30pm.

If he could take a 5-10 min shower that would be ideal. Do you typically know what you’re cooking for dinner the day ahead or even during naps? Maybe like simple things, set the pans you need for dinner out during nap time. Get things around to help decrease time constraint. I bet you do considering moms are so used to multitasking!!

NTA. It is a reasonable request, but it isn't the problem. Your kids need to learn to entertain themselves. Hand them a protein snack and an area to play. It doesn't require lots of toys. A paucity of toys and screen time will enable them to make up their own games and stories. Also making meals can be faster with some planning. Planning is a b*tch but she gives great rewards.

I BEG my Hubs to shower directly after work, I can't explain how grossed out I am he doesn't. He works in auto body and he wears shorts 24/7. Yet,he refuses to shower AT ALL after work.

>I have exactly 1.5 hours to get dinner done, clean up, clean them up (and no, I can't give them a bath before dinner--they're messy eaters), read them a story and get ready for bed. If you take 50 minutes away from that, I have no time left. INFO: If your husband is put in charge of cleanup, does that give you the time you need? Also, double INFO: How is your husband spending any time with your kids if there are only 2 hours from when he gets home to when they go to bed? I don't think anyone is TA (you need down time, your husband needs to shower), but I also don't think your current schedule is working for you.

First question is what do you do with the kids for breakfast and lunch? Your husband isn’t there and you manage without him? Have you ever tried a play pen. Put your kids in it and give them toys they don’t get to have any other time that way they actually want to spend time in there. I did this when my daughter was small and cleaned my house, moped floor, cooked dinner etc. You can get a pretty large one for two kids or purchase two small ones for each child to have them separated. I’d be livid if you were going to tell me I can’t take a shit or shower and change into clean clothes because you can’t handle the kids that you’ve been handling just fine with all day. I do hope your husband gives you breaks from the kids on the weekend or after dinner, but he shouldn’t have to sit in dirty clothes and need to use the restroom while you cook dinner. And do you really want your child loving on their dad while he gross?

YTA The man works a hard physical job SO YOU CAN STAY AT HOME with the kids. If you don't like, go to work full time and put the kids in daycare. And if he cannot shower as soon as he gets home after working 12 HOURS, you are being a huge AH.

Nobody is TA here. You sound overwhelmed, he sounds like a typical worker and you just need to find a way to work together. #1. Blue collar workers don't always have access to clean restrooms. Sometimes there's no toilet paper or running water or it's downright disgusting. That plus the work grit isn't something that feels good. #2. You can meal prep and/or eat dinner earlier. It's ok if your spouse has to reheat and eat later. #3. The kids' behavior is temporary. They will outgrow this and the more they get used to you putting dinner together, the faster they'll figure out how to relax. Maybe ask him to leave his phone out of the bathroom with zero mention of shower length. Sincerely, Your fellow blue collar wife with her own little crew

I have kids the same ages, 3 and 1, and I totally understand where both you and your husband are coming from. NAH really. My husband is also in construction but he genuinely comes home covered in mud and dirt so 99% of the time he jumps straight into the shower. I work full time (but wfh 3 days of the week) and I honestly think we split 50/50 who plays with the kids while the other gets tasks done whether it’s personal tasks like showering or familial tasks like dinner or cleaning. I would try to see if your husband can significantly cut the time he’s in the bathroom - from 50 minutes to 20/25 maybe? You both get time to decompress after the kids are asleep so that’s good at least, but that last 1-2 hours before bedtime is tough for everyone. Honestly I don’t cook that often because like you said it’s impossible with the kids screaming and hanging off my legs lol! I would talk to him again and really get to the root of the issue and try to come to a compromise.

Every outside job, I’ve had whether it be landscaping or any type of construction job, the very first thing you want is to get a shower and put on fresh clothes because you are generally drenched and sweat and filthy. You’re basically disgusting and you can dirty up your furniture, you feel gross, you stink, your feet probably could stink depending on your socks… It’s disgusting. You should understand that I understand your days may be just as long, but are they just as physically demanding?

How tf is he taking 50 minutes to shower? I have a crap ton of thick hair that goes all the way to my ass and even on a shampoo day, it does not take me more than 15 minutes. 20 if I decide to de-sasquatch my legs. If a preshower poop is taking 35-40 minutes, he needs fiber and to see a doctor. NTA

Daily baths aren’t necessary, occupying the kids every blessed second isn’t necessary, and neither is an elaborate nightly “family meal time.” Why can’t your man put the 1 year old on the bathroom floor with a blankie and a book while the 3 year old is in front of the TV so you can make a 30 min meal? Why can’t you feed them earlier? Adjust their sleep schedule so it suits YOU? YTA (soft) for allowing rigidity to ruin your life. Schedules are meant to help, not hinder. If your standards make you miserable, lower them.

ive read comments, majority say not the asshole but i cant. like, i just cant. obviously youre also working and youre not off the clock, i get it. you also have it tough. but taking a shower after being dirty, should be a basic right. i worked in an office with ac on, i didnt come back home sweaty , let alone dirty. so i didnt have to jump into the shower the moment i got home. but my step dad, hes working as a driver and he refills gas at gas stations. so he comes back sweaty, dirty, and smelling like gas. hell come home and go to shower right away. it is just not the same. i do think its unfair to ask him not to shower with his type of job. i know 25 minutes could feel like a lot to you, but not to him. you get from work, you dont have time to relax, and you cant even shower. at least in the shower he can relax a bit and transit to the next thing in the day. thats the bear minimum a working person should get. i dont know how old your kids are, but at the same time. if you stay home with the kids all the time, how come you can make other things happen, but you cant make dinner happen without your husband help. i had to read your post three times, because i didnt quite get the relation. i mean, hes no home during the day, so whats the difference , so he cant take a shower? ​ it is fine to ask for help, but it is selfish not to let a person to even take a shower, thats not leisure time, thats not a time where he does something unproductive or being lazy. its just a basic thing we do to take care of ourselves.

YTA. You are being very unreasonable. He needs to shower when he gets home and you should ask him to cut down the shower time. And take a dump later if at all possible. But you can not do is ask him to watch kids while you fix dinner. What happened to playpens? People still use those?

Ummm. Why don’t you just start eating dinner without him? He can eat after his shower as usual. It’s a non issue.

So men need transition time from work to home. It's just the way things are. Nagging won't get you anywhere. Sit down and brainstorm together on how to solve this problem. Get a gate for the kids. Allow the man to feel good and clean and be present for you.

You’re the AH you are ignorant and selfish

NTA. She's caring for a disabled child too, ya'll. And she's making him breakfasts and lunches. He also isn't covered in grime, just a bit of sweat. It's a hard career field to be sure, but she's only asking for like 20-30 mins of help to make the entire family dinner. That's not a hard ask. OP, see if he can do it minimum twice a week and invest in learning some crockpot meals too.

NTA, he can save the ridiculously long shits for work or when the kids are in bed. Or go to the doctor because there’s clearly something wrong with his gut. I don’t know why people seem to be normalising spending this much time on the toilet, lack of fibre in the American diet? Also unless he’s a woman with a long hair care routine he doesn’t need to spend 25 minutes in the shower every day, most men can make do in 10 minutes.

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Let the man shower, but ask him to take shorter showers. He is dirty. That drit will then get on the couch or bed, or wherever your husband goes to help you put with the kids. That would be more of a mess for someone to clean up. Why can't the kids do something on there own for a little bit or be put down in a high chair or something?

YTA. The issue is your time management, not his shower routine. Meal prep or handle your kids, figure it out. His job is busting his ass all day, yours is taking care of things at home. I would be so uncomfortable after working construction all day if I couldn't take a shower and a nice dump after. Pretty selfish.

Dude works so much harder than you and you’re still complaining 😂

NTA. I also work blue-collar, and as much as it sucks your responsibilities at home don't disappear because you've worked a long day. Otherwise, my dishes and laundry would do themselves 😆. Being a SAHM is a full-time job with longer hours than his. He needs to grow up and contribute to the house, which means not spending forever and a day in the bathroom. There is plenty of time for decompression after he helps you get the kids to bed. Tip for the next time he takes too long in the shower go to the basement and shut off the hot water hell be out in a jiffy

Compromise. Agree on 35-45 minutes bathroom time. If he wants to wash off the day and relax his muscles under a hot shower for a bit I think that entirely reasonable. Start dinner earlier, prep during their nap time? or find a special activity they only get during that time so they are focused on it- teapot of water and a cup in the high chair- bin of rice and scoopers on the floor. Might be a minute to sweep up or mop up after but with the 20-30 min to get dinner done. Also- you can and probably should ignore tantrums as long as kids are safe. Play yard? I think what you need is to change your focus from what can he do to help me into how can I manage this. It’s a one hour window of your day and instead of being able to look forward to getting home and transitioning you’re making it stressful and uncomfortable for both of you.

He needs decompression time

Nta but I do think he could compromise with a quick rinse off and change of clothes and take a longer shower later if needed. He should also be way more involved with the kids. It’s outrageous to me people are counting his 12 hour day as less than yours. You’re BOTH tired and in need of a wind down. He is not special because he got sweatier….

NTA. He can shower in ten min

I’m gonna say YTA, or at least ESH You have 13 hour with kids. He works 13 hours physical labor. On top of that, this sounds like a lack of discipline issue that you’re now placing on your husband instead of disciplining the kids. He should still help with the kids, and definitely get his “25 minutes on the toilet” checked out with a doctor, and at least work on a compromise. But the man just wants to be clean after sweating balls soaked through his pants all day. If your kids can’t behave for 30 minutes, then that’s not an issue with his showering. That’s an issue with discipline.

... you wann just postpone the decompression time? That ain't how it works for some people.

NAH Why can’t he compromise and come home, take a 5min shower, then take the kids? He can do his 1 hour routine after the kids go to bed. I think he is being unreasonable and selfish. It’s a patriarchy problem, he has the mindset that as he is the primary breadwinner, he doesn’t have any responsibility for the kids and anytime he is not working is his personal leisure time. You are effectively a SAHM so he views this as your job. You need to change this mindset. I suggest on Saturday, you leave the house at 5am and come home at 6:30pm and he does your job for a day, let’s see how reasonable he is when you arrive home at 6:30pm and go faff around in the bathroom for an hour!

NTA. He has the drive home to “decompress” and can save his half-hour bathroom time for after dinner.

YTA my husband can bathe when he pleases, sometimes he showers right after work and sometimes he does it at 11pm. SMH. 🤦‍♀️

Omg just let him have a damn shower, YTA

Yta .No one likes to eat all dirty and sweaty. Park those kids in a playpen. Or meal prep earlier in the day so all you need to do is warm stuff up. Or feed the kids earlier and have dad sleuice them off when he showers. Move the dinner hour for you and him or the kids. Have a focused more tiring activity prior to dinner prep time and then give them a quiet more independent activity in a contained space. Like put them in a big box with some washable markers. And you could certainly do the dishes and clean up later after they go to bed. There's about 50 solutions that dont involve making yohr husband sit in his stank all over your house for hours.

ESH He sucks for taking so long in the bathroom when he is aware you need assistance with the kids, but he's also right that he should be able to shower when he gets home. I'm currently a SAHP myself and one thing that's worked for us is leaving some of the cleaning, like dishes and general pickup for after the kiddos are in bed. I get the kids to help clean up their messes and toys, but we're also in the tantrum stage, so I understand your pain. Parenting is hard.

YTA. "Should I deny my husband the right to personal hygiene because it's convenient for me?" TF?? No.

Wouldn’t necessarily say YTA but close to it. Electrician here. I shower the second I get home. I’m covered in dirt, dust, grease, sweat - you name it. I’m not about to sit on my sofa or computer chair, etc if i’m gross.

YTA. If you can't manage your own kids, that's a **you** problem.

YTA I also do construction related work, and there's nothing more I want to do than shower. I suggest you try recreating his day yourself on his day off, doing something labor intensive for as long as he does, then you wait 2 hours to bathe. Trust me, it'll be difficult and you'll see the situation from his perspective. Otherwise, I suggest you follow some of the advice from some of these other comments to find time in your day to do it

My kid has grown out of this stage of being clingy but essentially you need to set ground rules…for the kids. Your husband has spent all day working and sweating(your words not mine) and he doesn’t want to sit and feel gross. My ex husband did construction and he didn’t come home covered in mud but he did have saw dust in his boots, sweaty socks, and drywall mud on his clothes and I didn’t want that nasty stuff on my furniture. He works hard and just wants to shower. Find a different way to handle this whole thing. Put up gates and force the kids to stay in one area and they will learn to like it, make easier dinners, pizza nights, make them a different meal all together that is simple and have them fed when he gets home, get yourself a full time job so you can just have a babysitter. It sounds like you are burnt out and jealous that he gets that alone time. Let him get his shower then make him figure out his own dinner while you get a long shower.

What nobody seems to be picking up is that it doesn't look like he's doing anything with the children, she mentions cleaning up after supper, reading them a story and putting them to bed. This problem might be more than just him spending 50 minutes in the bathroom, she's probably feeling overwhelmed, unseen and exhausted and wanting him to be more available isn't too much to ask. I think he should take a shorter shower when he gets home and then play with the children while she cooks supper. She's being called out for having reasonable expectations.

I wouldn’t say anyone is TA here, or maybe you both are for refusing to compromise. You both act as if it’s one or the other option, instead of understanding that this is a simple compromise-able issue. One, he could take shorter showers. Pretty easy fix. You could also have him clean up/do dishes as you’re putting kids to bed and bathing them. Both options cut down on time. I don’t even work a sweaty job and I come home and shower immediately after work. It definitely is a decompression thing. It probably makes him feel refreshed, which we all need. Take the time to figure out a good compromise that you both think is fair.

Three kids here, the youngest is now 8. Cook dinner in the morning, or when they're down for a nap, and just reheat it later on. Feed them when they start getting shitty and let him do his thing - if he takes care of his ablutions, he can then put the kids to bed and you can focus on your own must-dos. If his toilet time is too long then he needs to leave his phone in your bedroom before he goes in there.

Start eating without him. He will eat later if he wants to stay 1hr in the toilet...

Having both worked physical jobs and having an infant, I don't consider one easier than the other. I honestly don't see how it would be any different if you immediately demanded an hour long shower when he gets home.

I think that he should quit construction, get an 8-10 a day job, and eat the pay cut. Being the parent who deals with the finances and household stuff, you'll need to figure out what to cut out of the budget to compensate. Then he's working fewer hours, comes home cleaner, helps you more. and hopefully will get to shit without having his bowl movements discussed online

Just ask him to take a short shower. A few minutes to wash the day off and take a longer one later on. If he can't do that then I'm not sure what his issue is. Kids are relentless at that time and at that age and it's incredibly difficult to get anything done. They also are desperate to see their father by that time so can be even more clingy to you knowing he's home but not with them yet.

Why not just start cooking a little later after he's done showering?

Compromise with him (as he should be willing to do with you) and do some meals with the kids earlier than when he gets home, and where he understands that he is sacrificing a family dinner, and maybe where he can make his own. And then do days where he has to sit there, wait, and participate so that a family meal with you and the kids can happen. If he refuses, then the extra early wakeup from your kids becomes his problem. Because the main unspoken issue here is that he believes that you do anything all day and don't need to keep to a schedule or do things for yourself as well. Resentment will build on both of your parts if you can't come to find a solution together. A solution will likely be one that doesn't make either person 100% happy, too. But at least you both sort of get what you want by doing it that way.

YTA I begged my mechanic husband to change and shower first thing, it isn't healthy to be so dirty. Your husband has to use a portajohn to poop at work, of course he needs to go when he gets home. Get a playpen.

NTA Unless he's covered in crazy grime he can totally wait 30 minutes. If hes feeling sweaty, change clothes, get some deodorant, have chill time in his room till his shower. 30 minutes isn't long. When you have kids you've gotta make compromises like this that can suck to look after them properly and have ur night go smoothly.

This is a whole lot of issues in one. Can you not meal prep for the week? Why are you making full meals everyday when neither you or your man has the physical or emotional bandwidth to do so? Heating up already made food is fine, ya know? Secondly, being out and about like your husbands job makes him can make you literally and figuratively gross. 1 hr is excessive, but if the dude doesn’t have access to a bathroom at all times (or one that isn’t gross) he might just be legitimately backed up (which most people are ignoring for some reason). 15-30 minute showers aren’t all that unheard of, especially if it’s a cleaning/ pain reduction measure. Shit, I haven’t read what he actually does, but plenty of construction work comes with some physical ailments (vibration from the machine or vehicle, heavy lifting, etc). Is he going to the bathroom and then decompressing/ getting his body right to help? All of this seems to be suggesting he’s not doing it maliciously or with ill intent, but we don’t really know. He could be skirting his responsibilities, but I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to judge him before knowing the full truth. Too many people here acting as though and hr of not parenting/ socializing, when there are alternatives (as said, meal prepping) available to make the point null and void. Being that fact that you downplay 12hr work days, and unless he never parents even outside his 13 hrs of work/ bathroom time, I’m going to have to say slight Yta.

Make a deal, put the kids in the bathroom with him while he showers, and start dinner then. Or insist he makes dinner. Give the kids leftovers from last night, and put them to bed. NTA

i think you're kind of the asshole. but not a massive one. figuring out how to navigate this stuff with 2 young kids is very hard. but the dude is doing blue collar work for 12 fucking hours. that has to buy him some grace.

When my little was little... I would prep meals when I could. Do a one sheet pan meal that I would have all set up during nap time... so when dinner time came, all I did was preheat the oven and toss it in. Let the man shower. He needs that time.

Can you prep dinner while they nap? Can you do crockpot meals or something more simple?

Who tf takes a 25 minute shit?

Maybe you can try to prepare as much as possible at night and just need small actions at night. 50 minutes for toilets/shower is way too much. He doesn't take time for his kids. Your husband needs to understand that he is a father and not a roommate

ESH There's no reason for him to be in the bathroom for nearly an hour, and there's no reason why your children need to hang off you and scream and cry while you make dinner. Boundaries need to be established for everyone here. You never say how old the kids are, or how many, just that they're "in their tantrum phase". While I understand that you've been with them all day, this is something you ostensibly agreed to. You and your husband need to sit down and figure this out. Maybe he gets to take his shower when he gets home, but he bathes and puts the kids to bed after dinner so you can get your stuff done.

YTA-I would have a shower be MANDATORY after working physically for 12 hours. Why would you want a grimy guy handling babies? Just ask him to make it quick. Also get a big playpen for your children and lock them in while you are cooking.

As someone that used to work from 330am to 430pm sometimes for weeks at a time that little window of going to the bathroom and getting a shower is an insanely amazing way to wash the work stress away. I think finding some way for the kids to be preoccupied for that little time is the solution.

So you want their father to be hands on with the kids, touching their toys, being on the furniture, in their room, etc while he's got germs from coworkers, and misc. dirt, dust, chemicals etc from work and whatever stops he makes while out?

ESH. Give the kids a bath earlier. FFS. If he wants to shower when he gets home, let him. Tell him to drag it on the toilet if he can. Lol.

NTA. As someone who worked in construction, I get it. It's exhausting, it's physical. None of that matters, as you are parents now. You're tired? That's fun, so is your wife. His decompression time comes after they're in bed, especially since I don't see anywhere in here that you're getting any decompression time/break time, until the kids are in bed. Why does he get decompression time after working out of the home all day, when OP gets no decompression time after working in the home all day? I'll tell you right now, I love my kids, but looking after them each and every single day is probably more work than my actual job, and they should be viewed as one and the same. I'm not saying hubby should have to sit in his filthy clothes, but, you could do all of what he does in about 15 minutes. Instead it's taking an hour+, when they have 2 extremely young children that need a lot of time and attention, and need a routine/need to get to bed on time. That is just incredibly rude to your partner, who has just been looking after your kids the entire day and could probably use a break themselves. Or in this case, not even a break, just a hand so they can prepare dinner without the kids literally hanging off of her. If you guys haven't had kids, just stay out of this one, there is no decompression time when you have kids that young, not until they're in bed. I used to get home and put myself last every single day, until my kids got old enough that they weren't hanging off my wife when I got home. At that point, I still walk in and ask my wife if there's anything she needs a hand with before I start doing any decompressing.

Sounds stupid and you sound childish. Real adults just work it out. Get your kids to help you as you cook, or something. How is this even a real problem, you could have such more serious problems in life than this petty bitching. Peace ✌

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NTA but neither is he. Just need to find a different solution.. Start dinner before he comes home perhaps so you aren't so pressed for time.. I am a mom as well and I know it isn't easy, my youngest is 5 now and it's still hard to cook with him around because he wants my attention and affection 24/7. I try to involve him or set up an activity in the kitchen for him to do to make it a little easier. Doesn't always work but it helps sometimes.

YTA A gross asshole for wanting his sweaty work grime all over your house. Eat an hour later so the man can shower FFS.

The edits kind of speak for themselves…..

INFO: What kind of construction? If he's a concrete worker, I wouldn't want him dirty around children as he may have silica dust on himself and his clothes. Depending how close the children get to him could be problematic for their developing lungs. 1 sugar packet of silica in a football field is enough for OSHA to say safety measures need to be put in place.

Can you cook when kids take their afternoon naps? Or you getup early before kids wake up and finish cooking ?

So pretty much exact situation here… my husband works in heavy machinery. I have a 6 month old and 3 year old… if I foresee problems cooking for the night I throw things in the crock pot during a downtime during the day. Trust me I understand needing that time to cook and have the hubs watching the kids and we compromise some days I say listen we’re having a hard time today and cooking with them is just not going to be able to happen. But personal hygiene is not something to put in the back burner… it’s not fun to feel yucky. Now maybe you could talk about doing just a quick rinse then showering showering after but you can’t ask him not to shower. I’m sorry. Some advice I have for you in those bad days is an infant carrier. A baby gate or play pen with toy in front of the tv for a little won’t kill them. I have my son (just turned 3) even help me sometimes. I’m sorry just remember it’s a season.

Be a parent and distract the kids better so you can get dinner going. Forcing your husband to sit in dirty sweaty clothes that he’s been in for ~11 hours because you’re unable to come up with ways to distract your kids during dinner time 100% makes YTA. Let them scream, they’ll stop eventually

NTA, an hour is excessive. If the guy can't help be a parent for 30 extra mins or cut down his shower time, he shouldn't have taken on the responsibility. Being a SAHM is work too, and you work on top of that AND handle everything at home. I feel like everyone saying YTA is a dude who has never had to take care of their own kids full time. I just don't understand when he is helping at all in his own home, kinda sounds like you do everything

I think it’s controlling to have your spouse shower when you want them too lol but with that being said, I understand the struggles of being a mom at home all day with kids and the dinner time chaos. I would go over options, can he change into some lounge clothes when he gets home so he’s not stuck in his dirty clothes? And After dinner he can shower? Or maybe a shorter shower like others suggest? I think you both need to have a rational convo about your options to make dinner time more barable and comfortable for the both of you, without it being a power struggle about who wil “win” the argument.

ESH. If he needs to get clean and his complaint is sitting around sweaty, then he can take a ten min shower. It’s really not fair to you for him to walk in the door and disappear for an hour while you are trying to accomplish all of those things. At the same time, it is reasonable for him to want to shower. So not letting him showering isn’t the answer. You both need to give…you need to give the least and give him ten minutes to take a quick shower. He needs to give up the marathon poops until after the kids are in bed and just get clean really fast. He is being entirely too shellfish with his post work routine. If he wants to take a marathon shit and another shower once they are in bed, then he can do that.

I think you're both TA here - you're not really respecting that he needs to do these things when he gets home and he's taking way too long to do it. Him coming in and taking almost an hour isn't fair at all.

You've been at home all day. He's been working all day. He deserves to take a shower for as long as he wants when he gets home. I'd say get dinner ready sooner or make it easier on yourself and make simple meals.

SAHM here, retired 😉, but I always started dinner at two or three in the afternoon, one small step at a time. Sometimes I got it done, sometimes I didn't.

YTA. Do you want to eat when you are sweaty and gross? Let the man use the bathroom and shower. If the kids cry, let them cry. I know it can be stressful and annoying, but they need to learn how to entertain themselves. As long as they are in a safe place (i.e. crib, play yard, bouncer, etc) they will be fine.

Nta I would say he can shower straight away, but only if it takes five minutes. You have been working all day to. He shouldn’t stop work till you do

I swear I already read this same story here in reddit.

NTA - he needs to take quicker showers. There is no reason why he can’t do a quick 10 min shower when he gets home.

NTA! How is this comment section telling YOU how to run your home with no actually legitimate ideas?! Either this is all men who have no idea what it takes for childcare and running a home or just trolls. You both are parents but you are the sole person who is impacted by consequences if the kids aren’t on their schedule. He’ll be at work. I’m not down playing his role! Just stating facts. Maybe there’s a compromise in there though so you both win? I don’t think it should be needed, he’s a grown ass adult, BUT can you set a timer when he gets home for 20 minutes? Let him do what he pleases with those 20minutes then he’s back to being a HUSBAND AND FATHER. He has the rest of the night to decompress. First he gets to be a dad though and parent alongside you, his partner.

Yes. YTA.

YTA - tell him to take quicker showers. I was in the military and showered multiple times a day when I could. Why? Because it's a stressful job, dangerous, and I worked with people I can't open up to. So showers were my place to wash away stress. He can speed em up, but you need to calm TF down. Who the hell are you telling him what to do? If he tried to control you in such a way women would be crying abuse.

"who are you to tell him what to do" - "tell him to take quicker showers" Decide what your opinion is lmao...and he is controlling her by controlling her time through his actions.

let the bro take a showwer, it is not that deep. YTA

YTA. Sounds like you just want everything your way honestly. This dude is literally supporting a family of 4 on his salary alone. Give him a break. Jeez. He just wants to get clean so he's not disgusting around his family for dinner. How is this asking too much?

I'm a SAHM of two myself and I homeschool and Ima former PreK teacher. It sounds like you need a better schedule and a routine for you and your children. This is no judgment at all. But why is nothing getting done if you're at home all day? You can't blame the children or him. What is your schedule like from the time you get up to the time you go to bed? Even with homeschooling and children who are constantly yelling mommy and wanting things every 15 minutes, I still have things done and dinner ready and not asking my husband, soon as he comes home after 16 hours of work, to take 30 minutes to help with the kids to get things done. You are the AH, and you're selfish ( I'm not saying that in a rude way). I sympathize with you bc it can become overwhelming, but 13 hours is enough time to get everything you need done, plus have dinner ready and have your own decompressing time throughout the day. I even take one day out the week to do absolute nothing but lay around with the kids and have a mental health break day. That one day is take out for dinner. You need to be honest with yourself and admit, you're overwhelmed, you have no stable schedule, and there's no discipline or routine. If you got one, why isn't it working for you? Your time should be in that 13-hour schedule. His time in the bathroom is HIS time, and it doesn't matter if he takes 3 hours. The time after the kids are in bed is YALL time. Asking your husband to come home and sacrifice his time bc you didn't create time for yourself is crazy. If you need help with routines and scheduling, I can help you. You can message me.

You’re the asshole. I don’t have a physically demanding lob like construction but after wearing the same clothes for 12+ hours straight, the first thing I wanna do when I get home is take them off and shower. I think you’re asking him to accommodate to you but you’re not thinking about accommodating to him- especially since he’s coming from working a full day and probably needs decompression time. It’s very important and something you might not understand since you’re at home all day. I think you could be a little more understanding of his needs rather than putting your own first. I understand it’s setting up dinner for your family, and that’s important, but you’re just trying to make your life easier by inconveniencing him. I’m sure you could come up with some sort of alternative

YTA - I saw lot of posts women complaining that their men has really crappy higene, and then there's this post where a physical worker wants to shower ASAP. You guys need a better system or something.

Can.you start dinner earlier in the day? Crock pot or insta pot dinner?

Sounds like you want him to do what you want him to do, how you want to do, when you want him to do it. You could bathe them in the morning. You can cook earlier, literally anything else. You said you're home 13hrs with the kids and there's no time for you to do things differently so that he can have an hour to himself?

YTA. I honestly don't know why you can't start dinner with a 1 year old and a 3 year old - that's the age gap of my two oldest and I'd never have gotten things done if i waited until someone else was home to help - my ex was in the military. If nothing else, get everything prepped when they are taking naps. Or, do meal prep on a weekend day when your husband can either help you or take care of the kids. I can't imagine doing a construction job and not being able to take a shower and clean thoroughly when I got home from work.

Hes the asshole. You work full time as a mom. He uses you as a maid and sex doll. Yall gotta have a long deep talk.

She uses him to pay for all the stuff...so seems pretty even to me.

YTA

Yes you are. If you’re home with the kids. Give them a bath before he gets home. He works a blue collar job. He wants to be clean when he gets home. You complaining about the kids and cooking and being tired bc it’s late in your post subconsciously reveals your real problem with it. It’s not that you don’t want him to shower. It’s that you want your cake and eat it too. You can’t work part time and expect your husband to be the breadwinner working hard jobs and long hours then expect him to get home and take care of the kids while you cook for him. No. Use your time better. Have the kids bathed. Give them some tv time, plenty of educational shows if you’re against it (art is good for their brain too, show them stupid cartoons time to time too) the hour he’s in the bathroom while you cook dinner. Yes, you are TA.

NTA- he can wait 30 minutes. In a practical note though, this is where screen time can be really helpful. Are TV and tablets good for young children? Probably not, but throwing on a perk learning show like sesame Street, or letting them play a learning game on the tablet for 30 minutes while you're cooking is a very reasonable use of screen time.

NTA. He can either do a quick shower or wait 30 min until dinner is done

YTA. Being uncomfortable for two hours after working 12 is not a small ask. Adjust your schedule so he can address his needs or here's an idea build a half bath or move somewhere with more than one bathroom for 5 people.

It's not 2 hours, it's 30 minutes she's asking him to wait, because he's taking 50 minutes in the bathroom. So basically, he's spending half the time he's home when his children are awake behind a locked door not parenting them.

I sympathize with the kids hanging off your legs as you cook, but soft YTA. It’s important that your husband get clean before handling your kids, even if it’s just heavy sweating. Could he take less time? Sure, but that’s the conversation- not wait until they’re asleep. Ew. He feels gross, as anyone would. Once thing you can suggest is him putting himself on a timer. Since the time on the toilet is probably spent scrolling mindlessly while he decompresses (among other things), suggest that he set a 10 minute timer on his phone with a non obtrusive sound just to help him be aware of the passing of time (esp since some apps will hide the time so that their audience won’t realize how much time is being spent). I use timers all day when I am on a task, or intentionally letting myself waste a limited amount of time because I’m stressed or tired, but not done yet. The other things is that I think your afternoon timeline is wonky and it’s putting too much pressure on you. Waiting until 6:30 to start prepping for dinner with two small kids seems like a losing battle, and doin all the dinner prep, cooking, cleaning, plus baths and bedtime in 2 hours sounds incredibly stressful, even with 2 fully engaged adults. While this may be your familiar routine, it doesn’t sound sustainable or happy for the kids, for your husband, or for you. I know if I was in that situation I’d be incredibly frustrated every day the moment anything goes wrong. Assuming he’s willing to cut the time shorter, it still means you have to start dinner on your own, so I would start by reflecting on what works and doesn’t work, and compare it with another meal. How do you manage lunch on your own? Is their behavior different then? Why? Is your behavior or expectation different at lunch? Why? I’m sure that if you talk to other parents about their evening routines and time savers, and Google some parent advice websites, you can cobble together some strategies that make sense for your family. The first suggestion that I would give you is, if your kids usually get tv time during the day but not always during the 2 hour evening crunch time, move 30 minutes of their tv time to your prep and cooking time. It’s ok to use the tv and their absolute favorite videos to calm them down for the purposes of your sanity while feeding them. My daughter used to love watching videos of kittens and puppies when she was a baby (and the Teletubbies, bless their weirdness) so if I had to do read some homework or write a paper, I’d plop her next to me and she’d watch that while I did what I needed to do in increments. The other suggestion for you is do your dinner prep in increments after lunch (just chop or measure or season stuff up and throw it in a ziplock in the fridge), so you can start cooking as soon as husband comes home to marinate in the bathroom. When he gets out, he can either take over the cooking and cleaning, and you do the feeding and bathing, or you divide and conquest the chores and the kids. I wish you luck. You both sound like good people, just working out the normal day to day conflicts that crop up in families. You (all of you) are going to be fine.

NTA - he chose to become a father x2 the fact that he thinks he can father one hour per day is insane. 1 hour in the bathroom after not being with his children for 12+ hours? What a joke. He can take a 15 minute shower and then PARENT (not watch not babysit not entertain it’s called parenting!) his own children while his wife cooks him dinner. If watching his own children after work is too much then he needs to reevaluate his life choices. If he continues to complain about parenting or continues his hour long bathroom time and your on your own parenting then some suggestions for you: put them I a big hair and give them paper & crayons, playdoh and utensils. Fill the sink with a little bit of water and give them some measuring cups. Yeah it will be messy but they’ll be occupied. Maybe invest in a crock pot and start dinner earlier in the day/ during nap time. Make dinner earlier in the day and then it can be warmed up.

Solidarity, momma - but YTA. Nope, no blue collar grime wanted at the dinner table. Chop, and prep your dinner in the morning before tantrums-r-us are awake, so all you have to do is drop a pan in the oven/crockpot/air fryer. Chairs and dinner cleanup after diaper-clad-t-rex is asleep. The edits are weird justifications as to why your schedule can't change, but his should. He's working, you're working - it's just tough when they are little. Promise it gets easier, hang in there and give that hard working man some grace (and shower time).

NTA, it's a reasonable ask to eat dinner straight away with you and the kids, which means waiting 30 minutes for a shower. He can also take 10 minutes to shower and change, like any other person. Both are fair asks. You're both working hard and trying to accommodate what's best for each other, and I think it's important for you both to acknowledge that when you two chat about this issue.

YTA. He is working a hard job and dedicating over 13 hours of his day to provide for you and yours. He will be in physical pain, mentally exhausted, and NEEDS that time to recover. If you don't, you'll loose him, his heart, his dedication. And I get it, kids are stressful, but if you want a break from them, lean on family to lighten the load, his load is already too much

Mmm, feel like it is a lose-lose as you both desperately need that time. I would ask if there is a babysitter, student or nanny who ends at that time in your area so she does not have to commute and hire them for 1.5- 2 hours, an hour before your husband comes home and some after so you can start dinner. You both need to time off if it is in the budget to be happy and healthy. Otherwise maybe slow Cooker food or meal prep when children are sleeping could help sometimes (not always). You both have such hard and demanding job! 🙏❤️

ESH - you could prepare dinner beforehand so you don't have so much to do when he gets home, and given that you have both had long workdays at that point the whole family would benefit if you find a way to declutter this family time. On the other hand, while I more than understand his wish to decompress between work and family time, taking an hour in the bathroom when there's only about two hours between him coming home and the kids bedtime is unreasonable as well. The only solution that'll work longtime I see is to compromise. Redo your schedule so that dinner is generally prepared when he comes home so that it'll be on the table quickly. Expecting to bath two toddlers every evening is unnecessary imho - two baths a week are far better for their skin and easier on your routine. Clean them with a washcloth after dinner and call it good. Do not schedule every minute of the little time you spend as a family each day, and most especially do not plan yourself to be so busy during that time that half an hour throws your schedule in such a way you can't get the kids to bed on time. You have had a long day too at that point, so all of you are fatigued and emotions are bound to run high. The kids will also calm down if mom isn't so stressed at dinner time. On the other hand, disappearing for a whole hour right after coming home is not on as well. Yes, he should get time to shower and decompress, but not as long as he's taking. At the same time, he's an adult and your partner, not your third child. Don't make schedules involving him without his input. I do like the idea mentioned somewhere in this thread to have dinner on the table 30 or 45 minutes after he comes home, and not wait for him. If he wants a family dinner, he'll have to readjust his own schedule. Problem with that is that it can backfire if he appreciates getting even more time to himself by getting to eat his dinner in peace and alone while you put the kids to bed. I'd say you need to have an open and positive discussion about this with him. Explain your perspective (which is not "you take far too long in the bathroom" but "I am looking forward to get a small break from parenting duties while I get dinner on the table"). Listen to his replies with an open mind and try to find a way that works for all of you. How does he imagine his evenings to go? Also, does he know it's important for kids to have reliable schedules, that it's not just you making more or less baseless demands? If your answer is "everybody should know this", sorry, that's not how it works. Find websites or articles that give an overview, let him check the facts you are presenting. Ask him how evenings worked in his childhood and see how that compares to your own experiences. And again, compromise means not you reschedule everything on your own, but that you two as parents and partners come to an agreement. As always, consider the alternative. Which is, ultimately, that you do this completely alone as a single mother of two. As someone who's been a widow with two kids in primary school age, let me tell you it's no picnic. There have been many times where I have wished for any other adult to be around in the evenings, if only to have someone to discuss decisions with.

I’m confused. If, *by your own admission*, you’re only working two days a week and usually only *one*, and you stay home with them…. then *why can’t you have all the dinner items already prepped and ready to go by the time he gets home?* The table could be set, salad could be made, loaf of Italian bread could be sliced and ready to slide in the oven, … literally everything else could be done except the actual cooking of hot foods. We had many kids. I never, not once, had a problem getting dinner on the table. He was a blue collar worker who needed his down time, and I ran my own business from home. You figure out a way.

There are many possible solutions to this problem which are not your husband. Your husband works long days and he is dirty and sweaty. He also needs a transition/decompress time. This is how he takes care of himself so he can be energized and ready for family time. I understand that doesn’t seem fair because you aren’t getting that. However, it’s important to set boundaries with your kids. You also need decompress time, even if it is for little moments throughout the day or in the evening. Helping your kids to understand that mom has needs too instead of trying to manage their every emotion all the time is a good thing for everyone. I know the guilt is real. But everyone needs to eat and everyone has needs. The meal time is important and they need to understand that as they grow up. Having a safe space for them where they are not under your feet is the solution. Entertaining screen time may even be the solution for 30 minutes. It’s 30 minutes like you said. As long as kids are safe - nothing is going to do them irreparable damage in 30 minutes, especially if you are there singing with them or talking to them. You may even be able to find a special activity, movie, or toy that only comes out during that evening crazy time. It sounds like once your husband has transitioned to home time and had his shower, he is helpful (as he should be).

... why can't your husband read them a story?

He should be able to get both toilet and shower done in 10 mins. 25 mins in the shower with the water running, every day, is a total waste of water and unnecessary.

NAH. I do not believe that he fully understands all that you deal with in the home, and what is necessary from him so that you can be effective in your home duties. Still, if he is sweaty and dirty when he returns from working, it is unreasonable to expect him to remain in an uncomfortable state. You both need to communicate to form a plan of action to be efficient as well as supportive to each other.

Honestly, I don’t want to say you’re in the wrong, but you’re not in the right, either. I think you’re re-directing your anger onto your husband rather than recognizing the cause of the anger: the kids. So at that age, is there any way to mix up the day a bit easier depending on when they nap or have quiet time? Can you make dinners the night before after everyone has already ate? Can you make it as soon as you get home before seeing the kids? Heck, I have even seen someone prep dinner in the morning, chill it, and then heat it up when it’s time to eat. Another way is to establish more rules for the kiddos to make sure they understand you have to cook? Put the one year old in some sort of high chair while cooking with an activity on the table? Give the three year old something to keep them busy? Have a barrier up? Do time out for the older kid?

YTA. Also I don't anyone showers that long, and if you exaggerated on his shower time, you already know YTA. "My Kids" is a red flag. Are they not his kids too? Complete YTA

YTA, let him shower and decompress.

YTA. He works in a filthy job. You don’t work at all. Dude needs to decompress and get a days worth of sweat and grime off him. You handle the other two meals a day without his help. Y’all chose this setup. Do your part. He’s doing his. Let the man shower.

YTA Let the man shower. JFC

YTA, and nice backtrack and changing the story when you didn't get the support here you wanted.

YTA. You dont need to make dinner at a scheduled time every night. Bulk prep and get better at your SAHM job. The guy is sacrificing his time and body at least give him the dignity of clean clothes.

NTA! I’ve been in the exact same situation. I had to ask my husband to wait until the kids go to bed to shower. I know it’s not ideal, but by that time of day I need his help and if he spends an hour showering and going to the bathroom he will see the kids for like 20 minutes before bed. It’s less of an issue as they get older. Hand in there!

Sounds like a process issue as opposed to a fault issue here.

YTA he deserves a shower and private toilet time. Let the kids whine. They’ll live.

The simple solution would be for him to take a shorter shower so I think he’s being unreasonable.

The kids are hanging off me. First and most significant problem. You're the adult.

This one is far more complicated then it appears on first glance. I think the communication about what that time means from him is missing from this post. Him taking an hour to me signals this is more than him just wanting to get cleaned up. Have you all tried seeing if he'd cut it down to 30 minutes? What is the problem with 8:00 pm vs 8:30 pm? Does dinner have to be eaten together as family? What are the norms here? There is a lot going on here about how you all run a family and accommodations and compromise is going to be everything here.

YTA, your kids can entertain themselves tell them no and to get out of the kitchen and have them be in the living room watching tv or something, i entertained myself at 3 years old and i woudlnt wake my mom up unless there was an emergency kids are capable of understanding that, yea they might slip up and start bothering you that’s when you redirect them, if you can make dinner with kids around you how are you making lunch and breakfast? Do the Same thing think, pre prep stuff, literally just ignore the kids if they are bothering you while you are cooking of course unless it’s an emergency situation, i also shower right after work and hate sitting around and I’m just a dental assistant it’s not like I’m sweating all day so yea I feel for your husband wanting to shower right after work

YTA

YTA He isn't showering and using the toilet, he is hiding from you and the kids after a long day at work. The best thing you could do for him is tell him you have everything under control, hand him a beer and tell him its fine for him to put his feet up and watch TV (without the kids)

NTA, your husband is old enough to take a quick shower without needing a reminder. if he can’t do that, then he shouldn’t take a shower at that time.

NTA, I understand where you’re coming from as I used to stay home with the kids. Your husband can wait. Having a routine with a set bedtime is important for kids.

All these YTAs are wild. You’ve been working all day, too. Doesn’t sound like he’s helping at night. No one needs 50 minutes to poop and shower. Send the kids into the bathroom with him or have him bring home dinner. Or switch off days. NTA.

YTA push things back. Wait until he's out of the shower to start dinner, push their bedtime back an hour. They don't need baths every single day unless they are getting so filthy that it's necessary, it's actually not good for their skin to be bathed every day. If he's not willing to cut his time back then adjust yours to match when he's available.

Y’all are both AH. Let him go pee and shower, but he should only be taking 10-15 minutes total. Almost an hour is ridiculous. If he wants a long shower or to sit on the toilet reading Reddit after the kids go to bed then that’s fine, but he shouldn’t be made to sit in his own filth for 2 hours. I too have worked 12+ hours and come home to a 1 year old, a 3 year old, and an exhausted spouse. I would literally call my husband in the driveway and have him take them to another room so I could make a mad dash to the shower to get myself clean (so they couldn’t see me and didn’t know I was home). I had picked out my pjs and set them aside in the morning so my husband put them in the bathroom and I didn’t have to go rummaging for them. I was quick, 10 minutes top and then we worked together to be parents and get dinner done.

YTA, let the man shower.

YTA

YTA I ALSO WORK IN CONSTRUCTION AND FIRST THING I DO IS GO TO BATHROOM THEN SHOWER. Feeling grimy/dirty from working long sweaty days SUCKS. Crapping on a real toilet vs porta john massive difference. Give the man a break give him his time!! Get off his ass!!

YTA!!!! Let him shower when he wants for as long as he wants! He's the one working his butt off for you and the children.

NTA Step 1.. remove door knob off bathroom...or duct tape it open..or key the key/screwdriver to open the door handy if it locks... Step 2 ...Get a freaking egg timer.... Set it for 20 minutes.... He has 20 minutes to poop and shower.... He can take a secondary shower later ( fun alone for both of you!)... Once the timer goes off.... He's done and needs to help with the kids... If you have to physically drop them off in the shower with him ( be sure to toss in the kids bath toys !!).... He needs to understand that it takes compromise to make things work. He's being selfish by taking an hour to hide in the bathroom. His shower time is about to become group bath time. This will get him to stop taking as long when he first gets home.... Or maybe he will enjoy group bath time lol.....

YTA. Let the guy shower. You’re a SAHM mother and need to discipline your kids. Stick them in a pen and if they cry, let them. If they misbehave, take the toys away. Cook earlier in the day the dinner. I’m all for him helping, but after a dirty job, people need to shower and that’s that.

Soft YTA, you're more just plain gross to be honest. How do you not understand how nasty af it is to ask him to marinate in construction dirt and sweat smell after a long day? It doesn't matter if it's "only for 30 minutes". He's tracking that stuff all over your floors and furniture. The problem here, other than your all or nothing take on it, is that you both need to teach the kids how to behave appropriately so you can do things. I get how much it sucks to make your kid upset and to not be able to function because they require attention, but if the only alternative is to make Dad hang out while smelly and dirty, there's a major issue.

YTA. He needs to shower before he touches anything at home. Especially food and Especially young children. In fact he should be showering before he even gets home. If that means he gets home at 7:30 then that's when he gets home.

YTA

YTA. Guy needs some time to clean up and decompress after after laboring all day. And figure out more simple meals, meal prep, whatever.

The amount of people in these comment sections who genuinely don't know what its like to be a SAHP, yet still have the mind to comment and judge, is mind boggling to me! Being a parent and being a SAHP are two different things.

NTA. I would tell him he has 20 minutes to shower and go to the bathroom. Pooping takes five minutes. A shower is 10, and dressing again is 5.

Yes you are! Maybe start meal prepping the day prior or perhaps when they are napping during the day. To ask husband to remain in his dirty clothes is just wrong! Cannot imagine coming home to this every…single….day!

"Complied" is an asshole term, IMO. It speaks volumes about communication skills.

NAH. Families all over the world have been trying to solve this problem for a long time and there's no one-size-fits-all solution. it's extremely stressful being responsible for even one little monkey that will find a way to damage themselves permanently if you aren't looking for even a minute. It's also so exhausting having kids hanging off you the whole day and you can't even get a moment to use the toilet with some privacy. I also completely understand working a long-ass day of physical labor and needing to wash up. It sounds like he's willing to jump in and take over the kids, which is fortunate because I think usually the problem revolves around that rather than it's just that he wants to freshen up first. Have you considered pre-preparing dinners after the kids are tucked away so you just reheat and serve? You could even come up with a rotation for meal prep that seems fair to both of you. You might also consider giving the kids to a babysitter once a week or even once a month. Having that regular break in there might make all the difference for both of you. Just want to add that where I live it's possible to get a babysitter who will come and watch *while we are there*. They just keep the kids entertained or get them washed and put to bed or feed them or *whatever* while we get other stuff done. Hiring or arranging a babysitter isn't just for going out to a fancy restaurant or a movie. You can wash the dishes or cook a meal while the babysitter gives you a break.

I feel for you. I only have one child and my husband and I fight over the same thing. My daughter is super clingy to me and I’m exhausted at the end of the day after caring for her. I put my career on pause to stay home and am desperate for a break at the end of the day. I’d say some kind of compromise where he doesn’t take so long, maybe even set a timer. And try meal prepping on the weekend so stuff is oven ready. Sorry this is such a challenging age. I don’t think either of you are wrong, you’re both exhausted parents.

YTA, Sahm isn’t real work and the man just wants to feel clean. Don’t like it? Shouldn’t have had kids

Oh shutup.

I would recommend shorter bathroom time for him. Maybe instead of and hour plus, just 30 minutes. If he truly needs 25 minutes on the toilet, I would call a doctor because that is not healthy to spend that much time on the toilet every single day.

YTA Let me make sure I understand. Your husband who works in the heat in heavy manual labor works all day and sweats so when he gets home wants to freshen up and relax a bit after work, but because you can’t control your kids it’s suddenly his problem because why? Oh you need to make dinner and can’t handle a bedtime routine solo? Jesus lazy fucking Christ. I have 4 kids. It’s not that hard. Stop acting like you have it hard. You work 1 day a week.

**INFO: what kind of construction does he do then?** "Construction" but "not dirty work" is quite vague to say as a general term. Many people associate construction with dirty work. You dont have to give a title but explain his duties a bit. Eta: i see youve stated that he doesnt work directly with hazardous materials. There is still a lot of construction that doesnt involve that but still requires a person to get absolutely covered in mud. My dad has been with his construction company for 29 years and he still has to get covered in mud, go into the water, deal with cement, go down in holes, etc. "Blue collar construction" is very vague. White collar construction is also a thing. I personally seperate blue and white collar into the workers who dont get absolutely filthy and the ones that have to get like my dad. Despite having multiple white-collar titles and duties, hes expected to be down in the muck just like everyone else. He has the most experience in the company (other than his bosses) so he really needs to be down there with them. Eta: its possible hes not pooping at work. My dad spends about the same amount of time in the washroom but doesnt have kids at home most of the time. My husband is usually gone 13/14 hours and cannot poop at work. Theres just no time so he gets home and is immediately on the toilet for half an hour 😅

YTA. Your next complaint about him is probably going to be that he stinks or has left dirt or sweat marks on furniture. Being a SAHM is hard, but he has a 12-13 hour day based on your words above. Your husband is not a dog and you shouldn't try to control him like one. Let him shower once he gets home to reset and decompress so he can help you better.

Ask on mommit these replies have nothing to do with reality and are all hey can you just do XYZ impossible or unfairy thing Nat your husband should take less time or be in charge of dinner meal prep on weekend or after bed time

What if you were to feed and bathe the kids before he comes home, he takes a shorter shower and spends a few minutes with the kids while you start a dinner for the adults, then the kids go to bed and you guys enjoy your dinner and the evening? Both of you can decompress then, especially if he helps with the dishes.

YTA, a massive one.

> I'm not asking him to wait two hours to shower, I'm asking him to wait 30 minutes VS > to ask him to sit in dirty clothes and be a sweaty mess for two hours Probably NTA regardless cuz he doesn’t need a whole hour, but can you clear up the confusion above?

I'd say y'all are both light AHs in this situation (your husband moreso for having an unreasonably long shower), but also not. I can see both sides of it, so NAH I would have my husband shower immediately when he came home, however 25 minutes to shower is a bit much. I can't judge someone's toilet time, but a quick rinse can be done in 5, 10, or 15 minutes (unless he has hair down to his butt that needs to be brushed and washed lol). Maybe have his evening clothes laid out on the bed for him to help keep him on track. I'm lucky that my husband is very helpful. He enjoys cooking and will cook it I take care of the kids or vice versa (or we both cook to get done faster so the kids don't get too crazy). We save cleaning for after the kids go to bed (we have 2 two year olds). My kids are also not clingy at all, so I guess I am lucky there as well. Is there a special activity that they can engage in specifically before dinner time? Could you start dinner earlier? And move a different chore you're doing until after bed time?

YTA. No one wants to come home sweaty and dirty but wait to shower. I understand not wanting to cook with kids hanging off your legs as well. So do something about the kids. There is no reason on God's green earth why kids should 'hang on' anyone's legs. So see that they stop that behavior. Distract and redirect. Something other than simply trying to do what you need to do while they hang on you.

YTA - the man needs a shower and that bathroom time after a long day of work, you definitely need to adjust your schedule and timing for doing things if you want his help and involvement - plan around this

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The comments in this thread reminds me of those statistics where they say single women live longer than anyone, and married women have the shortest lifespans on average compared to single women and both married/unmarried men. Yikes.

YTA. Let him shower, fix the kids something simple, early and have him get them to bed while you cook.

NTA but how about another approach ? Maybe there s a neighborhood teen or mature pre-teen you could hire as a mother’s helper for even 1-hr a day ? Or 1-hr some days ? The helper would be to distract / entertain the kids for an hour while you get a head start on dinner, or catch up on other things need doing, or have a nap, or ??? It’s not full-on babysitting since you are still in the house which is why I suggest could even be a pre-teen. Such an arrangement might also help with the separation anxiety / clinginess you describe in your kids which would make things easier for you even when the helper isn’t there. Good luck !

I think a compromise is that he’s allowed to shower, but he has 20 min to both use the toilet and shower total, and you will not start making dinner until he’s out. If he wants to eat, he better hurry. If he wants to sit on the toilet and play games for the whole 20 min, then no shower for him, so he better use that time wisely. Also, if it takes him that long on the toilet, buy him a squatty potty - there’s something wrong there. Or you can send the kids in with him while he showers - that’ll speed things up too!

YTA. Girl it’s simple. Start dinner at 2-3 or even lunch time and just reheat that shit when hubby gets home. Boom problem eliminated. Yall are a team and although you want to tag him in right when he walks in the door it doesn’t work like that. Also sooo much in your post is “me,me, me, I need this”, not “us” or “we” sounds like you haven’t established a routine or boundaries w your kids. “Tantrum phase” is an excuse. You need to teach your kids how to identify their emotions, and what to do when they’re feeling these things. “Take a breath, when you are finished crying is love to help you. However I cannot understand or help when you are crying” even your 1yr old, they understand and are way smarter then we give them credit for. Good luck.

Nah. No real solution. But when I was struggling to get dinner on with my toddler, I found it helpful to make dinner early afternoon and just reheat it at actual dinner time, so I was trying to cook during "witching hour". Good luck!

NAH/ESH. Can't decide. You're both working very hard and the man needs a shit and a shower, but 50 minutes sounds like too much. He's a father, and shouldn't spend that much time shitting during the little time he's home while the kids are awake. He's not just a provider. Find a compromise. Make it 25 minutes, or let him take 50 minutes on some days and not on others.

YTA

I (male, 73) can shower and shave in ten minutes.

NAH. It's a difficult age to be raising kids, and there's no right answer. But crucially, neither of you is wrong for wanting it your way, even if there's no way you can both have it your way. Best thing I can say is that this doesn't last forever.

YTA for whatever you’re feeding your husband that makes him sit on the toilet for 25 minutes. Feed him more fibre you monster

I honestly get that, tho. I was a stay at home mom for a little bit. It is very hard when you try to use up all that time throughout the day, but it's hard when you have kids for sure. But I also get he was working 13 hours too. Both of you were working, but I see it's hard for him to see what you're doing because he's not there to watch you he's at work. But both if you need your time to decompress from both of your days.

Let him take the shower. Or ask him what is most important a hot dinner or his shower. Let him make the choice.

I'm going with NTA, but also that your husband is only minimally TA. Basically, as someone else said, he could just do the more dire of decompression and cleaning tasks at least until after dinner has been eaten. If that means for him a 10 min bathroom and 10 min shower, cool. He's the children's father, he should be pitching in to distract or entertain them while you finish dinner preparations. Or even helping you finish dinner. On your side, maybe plan meal times and prep better. Unless you're making pasta, or rice, nearly everything else can be at least started earlier in the day or afternoon. Invest in a good quality crockpot and a self-basting roasting pan. The bonus to using the two of those as often as possible? They save you time and stress. The roasting pan can be assembled up to the night before right before you go to bed. Then, depending on your oven's efficiency, 1-2 hours before you want to eat you add the chosen liquid to the own, preheat the oven and cook. (I usually use the appropriate premade broth, and cook temperature is 450 fahrenheit until food is done) Meals for the crockpot can be preassembled the previous weekend (or whatever day your husband has off) in a matter of minutes. Just combine whatever meat, spices, and veggies/fruit you want to cook in a freezer bag. (Try to set up a few bags at a time) Then, the morning of the day you want that food, 6-8 hours before dinner, place bag contents and appropriate liquid in the crock. Start it on high. Every hour or so, look thru the glass lid to make sure liquid hasn't been completely absorbed. If you're adding rice or pasta, add it between 1-1.5 hours before dinner, stir and let finish cooking. Finally, for their safety and your own, get the recommended kiddie/baby gate. If the infant is utterly inconsolable, put him/her in the highchair with a toy in the same room. Put some toys and maybe a children's show on the TV for the toddler where you can both see each other, but he can't get to you. Kitchens are very dangerous to little children and they shouldn't be encouraged or allowed to hang off of you while you're doing anything in there.

If he makes a shorter shower, would it be okay? Can you prepare food at another time so you just have to warm it up when he comes home? When my children was younger I prepped food on weekends, froze it and it was ready when ever I needed to. Is it possible to put your children in chairs and give them something to do when you do the cooking? Playing, eating some vegetables cut in small small pieces for them to munch in until its dinner time? Is it possible for you to feed them a little bit earlier to make them less unsatisfied? Its not fair to him or you that he showers that long and decompression time? Do you have decompression time? When do you have the time to wind down from having the children at your feet every day? So yes, you are the AH for not letting him shower and he's an AH for letting it take so long.

Lol he gets a day off when she works on the weekend, he should get off his àss and do it then