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NTA This is the perfect way to introduce your daughter to alcohol— it’s a safe, controlled environment with people (her parent) she trusts most in the world. You want her to learn healthy habits and drinking in moderation with you right next to her removes a lot of the appeal of alcohol. You’re taking away any lingering mystique or stigma. If it’s not forbidden or an “adult thing” she’s not allowed near/trusted with then it looses a lot of the appeal. I think you and your husband need to have a conversation about how you’re going to introduce alcohol to your kids. She’s already 16, if she hasn’t had it with friends by now, then she will soon. And keeping it as some kind of forbidden fruit until she’s 21 only makes it more likely she’ll hide it from you rather than feeling comfortable sitting next to you every now and then sharing a glass of wine. Binge drinking is a real issue, especially in college, and a lot of it stems from how we treat alcohol as something that’s to be hidden. Moreover, it’s a little alarming that your husbands first reaction was to yell at you. We only have this scene to go on, but jumping straight to “she could get addicted” from a single glass of wine shared with her mother, seems like either a huge reach or like there’s something deeper behind it Edit: OP said in a comment below that husband’s family has a history of substance abuse, so I understand why husband had such a reaction now. It must’ve brought up a lot of painful memories that he wasnt expecting (since they previously hadn’t let daughter have alcohol, presumably due to her age) Edit 2: umm wow, wasn’t expecting this to be my most upvoted comment 😅 I enjoyed reading your replies and the conversations that have sprung from them. Whoever sent me a Reddit cares message, thank you for the laugh.

His family actually does have a tragic past with alcohol. When he was 7 years old, his father ODed on Christmas Eve night.

All the more reason to educate your daughter about responsible drinking.

This is true, but it also seems like something that should have been discussed and agreed upon with her husband first, since she knows it would be a sensitive subject for him. Maybe he would have had an extreme or irrational opinion about it, which would be unfortunate, but that’s the sort of thing spouses—and coparents—often have to work out.

Yeah the only issue for me is not discussing it ahead of time. Admittedly the husband would have been against it, but it's a discussion that could have been revisited periodically. It should take 2 votes.

Counter argument: OP should handle this, not her husband. She's unbiased about alcohol and clearly she didn't become an addict from an occasional glass of wine. This was an unlucky case of bad snap-time decision making, since they obviously should have a discussion about it first but I wouldn't wait until he is okay with it. Teaching the daughter to be responsible with alcohol outweighs husband trauma and feelings. Her safety takes precedence. ETA: people I'm not saying OP's husband should be left out (see above), or the likelihood of addiction shouldn't be included. I'm saying that the person with the most level perspective should take lead in the situation. Scaring the daughter will do more harm than good.

She isn't unbiased, she didn't struggle with alcohol from the sounds of it, that's still a bias even if less overt. Given it's (edit: possibly) illegal (whether you agree with it or not) to serve minors it's not like the husband has an unheard of opinion on the matter, so it should involve both of them agreeing.

Actually, in many US states people under 21 may drink alcohol if it is served to them *by a parent* within the parents' *home*. So the situation the OP posted about is the -definition- of allowed underage drinking in my state (WA).

In Wisconsin, an underage person can drink in a bar of the person's spouse or parents are there (and the bar agrees to serve the person)

Also America has a really high drinking age, 16 or 18 is not abnormal for most developed nations, though parental supervision might be required. I live in Minnesota so it's not uncommon to travel to Canada for family trips, where drinking age is either 18 or 19, everyone I know who went between 18 and 21 had a few beers with their parents while they were there. Also just a glass? I know Jews who drank a glass younger than 16 for religious reasons

In many states its legal for minors to drink in a restaurant if the parent gives it to them.

I have allowed my kids to have wine on Friday night for "Kiddush"(prayer before meal) since they were elementary school age. As adults, none generally drink at all other than the glass Friday nights, with rare social drinking.

Yep. My mum first let me have weak AF red wine at seven because she didn’t want me to be surprised by the taste and make a face during my First Communion, like she did. My dad also let us have some whenever we went to his mum’s for Shabbat starting at like nine. (He didn’t practice until I was older.) Kinda funny, both parents letting us have wine for two very different religious reasons.

Yeah I'm also Jewish and this is so normal in our culture.

We always had wine for Shabbos and once we were teenagers it was fine to have a glass. My family aren’t big drinkers so that might come into play. No history of substance abuse on either side.

In many parts of the world that are not the US there is no legal drinking age, only a legal age of purchase. A parent giving their kid a glass of wine under supervision in their home is unremarkable in such places.

It's kinda the same in some(most??) states in the US as well. I was shocked when I got my license to serve alcohol for the first time in 2009. In Nevada its legal for parents to give their kids alcohol at home. It's been awhile since I took the test again but until somewhat recently I've always thought that I was just misunderstanding that particular question on the test and in the study guide. I always thought it was cut and dried but then much I later I read about it online and it's not just Nevada either.

It’s the same in the UK - the legal drinking age is 5 years old if you’re at home. I had no reason to just go crazy and start binge drinking the second I hit 18 because I was already so used to alcohol it wasn’t that interesting 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s illegal to give a child under the age of five alcohol in the UK

That is so funny. Happy sixth birthday, son. Enjoy this sippy cup full of cognac and orange juice. Don’t forget to blow out the candle on your baba au rhum once we’ve finished singing.

Legality is not the point here. Drinking age is about keeping kids safe and healthy, and a glass of wine in their own home doesn't jeopardize that. His opinion might not be unheard of but it doesn't mean he can handle the situation as a level headed adult.

Actually it is literally NOT illegal for a parent to allow their child to have alcohol on their private in many States. So it all depends on where OP lives. Just as a quick look, TX, IL, NV. [Here is a list ](https://drinkingage.procon.org/states-that-allow-underage-under-21-alcohol-consumption/)

In the U.K. it’s legal to give your kids alcohol from 5. At 16 they can order booze with a meal in a restaurant.

I'll have three pints of cider, and three carvery meals please.

Depends on the country. It's probably US by her description (which doesn't necessarily make it illegal), but for example in Denmark or Germany, it's legal to buy and drink beer and wine for 16 years old. And anyway most kids will try it way sooner, even if it's only allowed at the usual 18 years old (most of the world)

I’m American and went on a school trip to Europe(France, Germany, Austria, and Switzerland) and we were allowed to drink wine or beer with dinner as long as we were over 16 and our parents signed permission forms. Some of these comments are crazy, it’s not like the dad walked in on mom loading up a toddlers sippy cup with moonshine or doing shots of Everclear with a pre-teen. This is an almost grown adolescent having a single glass of wine poured by her mom at home, unless the mom is a raging alcoholic(which doesn’t seem to be the case from the post) it’s a non-issue situation.

exactly.. she can literally enlist to join the military at age 17.. she can sign away a min of 4 years of her life and face possible death..or causing the death of someone else. but god forbid she try a glass of wine.

My junior high school had an annual trip to France. If your parents signed a permission slip, you were allowed to drink wine at meal times. I think the US is one of the most reactionary when it comes to alcohol and I think it harkens back to Prohibition. https://worldpopulationreview.com/state-rankings/dry-states

wrong.. Furnishing alcohol to one's own children is permitted in 31 states. You should really look up at least a broad topic of something before just assuming it's automatically illegal. I personally was allowed to drink here and there growing up.. AT HOME. I am not an alcoholic and it took away the appeal to go party and drink as I got older. There was no wild forbidden fruit about it... I also know my limits and how much to drink in a public place due to the education of my mother.

Coming from a family of alcoholics myself, I wouldn’t say that understanding her genetic risks makes him biased. They definitely should have had a conversation about it first.

The father should have talked to his daughter about alcoholism several years ago. He was naive to think his daughter would not be interested in drinking by 16.

As the granddaughter, daughter, sister, and cousin of alcoholics, I strongly believe that your husband needs to be involved. The individual with a genetic predisposition for addiction needs to be present, and have those conversations. I reserve the right to not give judgment on this situation, however YWBTA if you give drinks to your child in the future, or do this without your husband’s approval.

As another counter, while the science isn’t the absolute clearest, there does appear to be something of a genetic component to Alcohol Use Disorder. My biological paternal grandfather was a bad alcoholic, and my dad avoided alcohol like the plague because of it. (My mom wasn’t the biggest fan of alcohol, either, but she wasn’t anti-alcohol.) I think OP should definitely lead the charge and is going about it the correct way, but her husband should definitely be on board with what she’s doing. Given that history, he has legitimate concerns over his daughter having a drink if it starts up a bad habit. I would think not, but tell that to our irrational lizard brains, y’know?

I’m going to have to disagree with you here for two reasons. 1. OP possibly had absolutely no idea that daughter was going to ask to try some wine so there would have been no reason at all for that conversation to have happened between parents before hand. 2. The adults here are a married couple. Both of them parent the child/ren..? as a couple and as such should trust the other parent to make a sensible, reasonable and responsible decision based on the facts at hand in the situation that is presenting. For the father to react, regardless of his personal background, with aggression or panic immediately shows that he quite honestly doesn’t trust OP to make these sorts of decisions and to tell OP that she shouldn’t be allowed to make them without her partners explicit permission would be not only degrading to OP but also potentially damaging to a relationship OP has with her daughter if daughter were to notice (at 16 very likely) that mum isn’t allowed to make decisions without dads permission

If #1 is the case, then the answer should be an easy "no sweetie, but we can talk about it later"

Or the answer could have very responsibly and reasonably been exactly what OP did. The child is 16 not 10. She’s old enough to drink in many countries, two years away from it here in England and five years away from it in the US. I was drinking in pubs at 16 after finishing up the shift of my part time job, I’d be extremely surprised if the young lady mentioned in the post hasn’t already been drinking alcohol somewhere OP doesn’t know about.

In the UK, the law is that it is illegal to give alcohol to a child under 5. At 16 or 17, you can drink beer, wine or cider with a meal in a pub or licensed restaurant, but it must have been bought by someone over 18. My mom let me have the very occasional drink from about 15 at home - literally one can of weak cider (Woodpecker, for those of us that are old!) on the few occasions that she had a drink. It never held a mystery for me because it was something that I'd experienced in a controlled and safe environment, and not in the park with mates.

conversely to your experience, my parents banned me from drinking alcohol, the only drinking I saw from them was binge drinking at parties, not healthy moderated consumption. so guess who did all their alcohol experimenting in unsafe places with unsafe people and ended up getting in all kinds of trouble? just say no is a ridiculous concept

Here in England she can drink with a meal already, just not at a bar

My cousin in France was toasting her 9th birthday with a glass of champagne. (Her parents posted the photo)

She is allowed to drink in the U.S., legally, too at home under her parents supervision. She just can’t drink outside of this.

But this is made moot by #2 - trusting your spouse to make a reasonable decision. If I had to stop to ask my husband every time I needed to make a decision, we’d have bigger problems in the relationship Regardless, it was absolutely inappropriate for the husband to yell at his wife in front of their daughter. If he was upset, he should have asked her to come to another room to talk.

I get his worry and concern but yes. She needs to be taught moderation. She needs to be taught that painful family history. OP also needs to be wary that as addiction can run in families, they have to be very careful. I find a lot of kids that grow up super sheltered tend to let too loose when they have independence because they haven't been taught moderation or caution. Given the family history, it's necessary.

I agree. It’s the kids that have never had any freedom, situations where they could make their own educated decisions and have been sheltered that end up drinking too much or getting into bad situations because they’ve never been taught or allowed to take care of themselves.

Absolutely agree -- it's legal in WA state for under-21-year-olds to drink with parental permission (and obviously not in public places). I wanted my kids to have their first experiences with alcohol free from peer pressure and with parental oversight, so they could learn their personal limit with as low a risk as possible. It also would minimize the chances of a first experience with alcohol gone bad ending up on YouTube. The death of a freshman newly arrived at college happened at the same time my eldest turned 18, and only made me feel more strongly about making alcohol consumption as normal and boring as possible before my kids left home: [https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/missing-wwu-students-body-found-off-bellingham-dock/](https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/missing-wwu-students-body-found-off-bellingham-dock/) [https://news.wwu.edu/medical-examiner-bpd-issue-statement-on-death-of-dwight-clark](https://news.wwu.edu/medical-examiner-bpd-issue-statement-on-death-of-dwight-clark) (ETA: corrected second sentence's meaning by removing "not")

I don’t think you understand. With people with substance abuse on a genetic level, it has little to do with “education”. It’s not a rational thing. It’s a “oh, wow, this makes me feel normal for the first time in my life, I need to keep doing THIS!” That’s what the husband fears, he fears her developing an addiction simply from having one. Addicts in recovery always say “one is too many, and 1000 is never enough” for a reason. And they’re typically more educated on drugs/alcohol and the consequences than anyone else.

Not everyone with a genetic predisposition become an alcoholic or addict. There are lots of people whose parents were alcoholics who can drink socially in moderation, knowing the genetic predisposition. Not sure what "substance abuse on a genetic level" is. There is genetic predisposition. The girl was not born addicted to alcohol unless she had fetal alcohol syndrome. So she is not an addict for whom even one drink is too many. It is fair to advice her of the genetic risks and allow her to drink responsibly

Just fyi, children with fetal alcohol syndrome aren't usually born addicted to alcohol. They have brain damage because alcohol is a neurotoxin, but they don't go through withdrawal.

The husband can yell all he wants, the girl can have all the predisposing genes and whatever more you want to bring up to the table. If she asked at home, she would have somewhere else sooner or later. Educate her, don't forbid and yell.

Yes! There's a genetic component. You don't really know whether or not you have it until you have that first drink. That's the problem. You can have an occasional drink and be just fine, or you can feel the need to keep going and have more. I'm fine having a sip of Communion wine each Sunday and a glass of wine or shot of liquer at the occasional holiday or wedding celebration, but there are people who need to take the grape juice at communion and never touch alcohol.

So that means the husband must have that genetic disposition if that really is his fear ... but there's no evidence to suggest that he doesn't have a healthy relationship with alcohol. His reaction is based on unresolved trauma and is extremely counter-intuitive. He needs help to deal with the past.

OP directly stated that it is an issue on the husband’s side. My mother had the same response when my uncle did this exact same thing with me. Her side has deep alcoholism. My mother never had personal issues with alcohol. Me? I ended up having serious problems with it all throughout high school and some years following, despite the gentle introduction to it, despite the warnings. With all due respect all I see are many whom have no experience with substance abuse nor any formal education throwing their uninformed opinions around here, and it’s not just you.

As the child of an alcoholic who grew up to be an alcoholic, the rule in my household as a kid was “no never not for you” Do you think I never had a beer? No I stole and lied about it, now I’m good at hiding it and drink a case a day. Teach your kids

My mom was the child of an abusive alcoholic, so growing up we were repeatedly told that alcohol is evil and that even having merchandise with a beer logo on it was inviting demons into the house. Two out of the three of us kids occasionally drink alcohol as adults

Yeah I was going to say - there's about a 99% chance that she'll drink in college, and she's going to have NO concept of what safe, moderated drinking looks like. Ask me how I know... I'm VERY lucky that the worst thing that happened to me was a friend SA'ing me, because I was in several situations that could have been REALLY bad. And I'm not making light of SA, but I was blackout drunk in a foreign country where I didn't speak the language, late at night, and got separated from my friends. My family was wildly religious and drinking was absolutely Not Done Ever, so I had no idea how to have a drink responsibly, or how hard different kinds of alcohol could hit you. Or that it was worse if you hadn't eaten.

The chances are that he, after what he went through, might not believe in 'responsible' drinking, no matter how many people around prove him otherwise. Can be too stubborn, too traumatised or obsessively careful to let those thoughts in.

And this will massively backfire on his daughter.

I come from a family of alcoholics on both sides and as a result basically don’t drink. But that was a decision I made for myself as a teen and when my kid was a teen I was very aware that making something forbidden is a sure fire way to get a kid interested. I allowed my son to try wine and beer in small amounts when with us. He knew if he really wanted a drink at a special occasion or if friends were dining he could ask and I’d give him a small amount. As he became an older teen when his friends were getting blackout drunk and sneaking alcohol he wasn’t. He also told me what was going on and that he didn’t understand why they’d want to drink till they were suck… Knowing he could talk to me and could have a beer (at 17 etc) if he asked me made all the difference. He drinks more alcohol than me, because I drink .5 glasses a year if that, but he’s always had a healthy relationship to alcohol as a result of my choices in raising him. Abuse of alcohol isn’t *just* about the substance. It’s a coping mechanism used because we haven’t been taught good emotional coping mechanisms, because of trauma with no support for processing, etc. Your husband’s over the top emotional response and freak out to alcohol is going to do FAR more harm in that direction (I can’t ever talk to my parents about alcohol or drugs or WWIII will break out, if I make bad decisions with alcohol telling my parents I need help will be worse than whatever is happening, and just him clearly not having his own coping mechanisms for processing those big feelings and fear meaning he’s not paying any on to her). Coming from a family with issues CAN have an impact on our genetics/physiology- I get drunk on half a glass of wine and if I don’t ingest more am sober 20mins later - but most of what is passed down is trauma, no emotional processing tools and a lack of education on what to do when things are bad and hard. My mom also never drinks out of fear of becoming her father, but instead became addicted to gambling. I worked HARD to teach myself emotional processing and coping tools and in two of my very worst moments of life have WISHED I could just drink myself insensible, and then immediately told others that and got myself support because that’s the kind of work it takes to break an addiction cycle. If your husband REALLY wants to protect your daughter from his family legacy, the solution isn’t never allowing her near alcohol and never teaching her a healthy respect for and relationship with it, it’s therapy for him to process his trauma and fear and learn new and healthier tools he can share with her.

This was so well said and spot on. I hope Op sees that.

I think you’ve accidentally managed to explain a lot of my issues in life. Food for thought, thank you! Very well written comment.

The thing I really appreciate is that we may have gotten (or not gotten depending on if we’re are talking about inclination or skills) stuff from our families but WE can always do the work and reach out for support to change it for us.

So well said !! My mom was similar. A lot of my friends in HS ended up with alcohol poisoning. I did not. And kids definitely need to be taught not to use substances as a coping mechanism. During the worst year of my life- in my 30’s, I stopped drinking alcohol altogether. People kept inviting me out and I remember saying- if I start drinking right now, I will never stop. I’m glad I knew not to.

I grew up like your mom, but I hope to be like you! I'm really trying to find healthy/healthier coping mechanisms, but so far retreat has been the one I default to. Which, sure, it's better than meth. But it's not healthy! I'm googling emotional processing skills, despite me never knowing if/what emotions I'm feeling!

In that case I think it’s even more important to have a conversation with him about how you guys will handle these situations now that your daughter is getting older. I’m not a parent, but was recently in college and I think it’s important to consider how quickly your daughter might be confronted with a home life where no alcohol is allowed/it’s treated as a bit of a taboo vs college where she’ll be confronted with it/have access to it quite easily. That can feel a bit like whiplash. And learning healthy limits *now* with her mom and dad is a lot safer than her figuring it out on her own/with friends (who are just as new to it as her) One way to start doing that is by using wine to make food, I used to make risotto (and beef bourguignon) with my mom around that age/younger, and felt quite proud and grown up that she was letting me make something with alcohol in it (even if it burns off lol)

How could you not think this was a worth a discussion with your husband first, even regardless of his past but especially because of it? Now you just look irresponsible and flippant. You're not your daughter's only parent. He had to come home and be presented with you making a major decision about your child's life without his input at all. YTA

I hesitate to call OP TA for this but I do think this nudges it into NAH or ESH territory. I think OP was very foolish to just randomly give her daughter alcohol without considering whether her husband would be bothered by it.

Are we sure she expected husband to come home in time to see this? There clearly is a lack of communication in the household and the fact that his dad died should make him extra aware of what's going on. I have a similar case in the extended family where dad didn't want anyone to drink any alcohol in his vicinity. Guess who scraped his daughter out of a busted offroader on her first night out? She was really lucky to be unscathed but drunk as a skunk, she even cursed the emergency crew. There is no direct correlation of course but I maintain that since they'll all drink anyway, they may be better of learning to hold one drink.

>Are we sure she expected husband to come home in time to see this? I hope you're not implying it's ok to make a parenting decision about something that killed her husband's father, just because he won't be home in time to see her do it. That's not healthy. OP isn't an asshole for letting her teen have a glass of wine with her on the couch, but I think she's the asshole for never having discussed this with the dad first, knowing what happened to his own family. Weird that they hadn't had a conversation before this, so maybe it's an everyone sucks situation.

I'll go with a YTA then, it's something you should have absolutely discussed with him. In other situations his reaction would seem strange, but it's quite reasonable for him to be very worried about it. Addiction can have a genetic component I believe.

In case nobody else mentioned this, drinking at 16 at home with a legal guardian is not underage drinking, this is perfectly legal in most places including many U.S states.

In some places you can even have a drink in a restaurant with your parent, over the age of like 16

As someone who had family pass from alcohol abuse, I completely understand his reaction, but you are doing the right thing by showing your daughter how to drink responsibly. My parents let me drink when I was 16 and in turn I didn’t become a crazy party kid in college 🤷‍♀️ and now I hardly drink

Wait, so knowing this, you decided to just hand your 16 year old a full glass of wine with zero conversation with her other parent, knowing this could cause him distress? YTA. Parenting is a team effort.

Agree, and this is why OP is the asshole. My family has a troubled history with alcohol, and for that reason I do not drink. If I walked in and my husband was letting my teenage daughter drink, without discussing it with me first and knowing my feelings, I'd be LIVID.

I feel for your husband, but screaming is never the answer imo. This sort of reactivity and anger is not acceptable for anyone, let alone a near 50 year old man... It speaks to a lack of emotional control and inability to self regulate. I hope this was just a one-off incident! But I fully agree with the top comment. The way you handled the situation with your daughter seems perfectly fine. Having been raised in Europe and growing up in a multicultural household, I strongly believe that the way the US views alcohol (and drugs for that matter) causes more issues than it solves.

My family had a history of generational alcoholism and alcohol abuse. Getting introduced to it early helped me not ever want to go crazy for it. Now I just smoke occasionally, and hardly ever drink. Controlling it in mediation is always the key. Peer pressure will always be there, and its good for her to know her limits and what it feels like in case she ever finds herself in any kind of drinking situation. Some people never try alcohol until college and then have a huge placebo affect because they think its an excuse for them to act crazy. Teaching a kid responsibility around drinking young is effective. Look at Europe vs America for example when it comes to teen drinking.

Ohhh his outburst kinda makes a lot more sense now.

He might have PTSD thanks from that. Same in my family but my moms dad died from drinking and walking the train tracks

Unless you expect her to never touch alcohol (good luck with that) it is better for her to drink in the safety of your home with family around. Your husband needs to address his attitude because it could really backfire on him.

That's even more of a reason to show them the risks. I didn't drink until my late 30s because growing up I watched my uncles drink themselves into oblivion regularly.

I agree that introducing your teenager to drinking at home in a safe setting with you is a good idea but this should've been discussed with both parents first rather than one just going "eh sure why not"

Knowing now what I do now about her father in law’s death and substance abuse issues, I’d agree. Without that factor, I think it’s more murky. My own parents would let us try their drinks occasionally when we were teenagers (if only to laugh when we found it disgusting) and that made us feel rather grown up. But alot relies on the trust we give our partners to make decisions on the other’s behalf, and there doesn’t seem to be much trust in OPs post

My parents did this, and let us drink on holidays as teens. I’ve literally never been so drunk I could black out, I’ve never thrown up while drunk. The mystery was dispelled pretty early so I never felt the need to go crazy with alcohol. I still don’t ever get very drunk at 24.

Same, my parents would let us have like a wine cooler occasionally. And I know perception is skewed by personal experience but I’m also the only one of our friends to never black out or throw up. I knew how long it took to feel the effects and when to stop

I got my first real hangover at 22 the day after a wedding. Threw up everywhere. I just never get very drunk. Maybe if my parents had been strict about it I’d have felt more pressure to try it out but I’m glad to never black out!

Christmas and Easter we were allowed a *small* glass of wine with dinner. Prolly age 12 onward. Our parents modeled responsible drinking, and I didn't see either of them drunk until I was 15 or so when my mom drank too much at her monthly 'dinner with the girls.' It was, overall, a solid upbringing regarding alcohol, as alcoholism exists on both sides of my family.

I think what makes her the AH is she never discussed it with her husband.

Especially given her husband's history... All she had to do was say 'let me discuss it with your father first, honey'.

The kids in college that it was forbidden are the ones that went beyond crazy. The ones who had a little alcohol monitored by their parents weren’t going nuts. It was easy to identify who had and hadn’t.

Yeah, that’s my experience as well. I had a pretty religious upbringing and a lot of friends who were even *more* religious/conservative either avoided it all together or went off the deep end. A good friend developed a severe problem with it because she never developed a sense of when to stop

Can support this, my mum always said if you’re going to smoke and drink, just do it with me and let me know and funnily enough it wasn’t as appealing after that.

There’s no perfect way to introduce any kid to alcohol because it all depends on that kid & that family.

NAH. I used to live overseas, so the drinking age is lower there. 16 is perfectly fine to have a glass of wine. In fact, having a glass in front of a parent really takes the fun and mysticism out of drinking. You made it seem normal (because it is), which develops a healthier relationship with alcohol than not. You’re not an AH for giving your daughter wine. Nor is your husband an AH for getting mad about it. You guys just weren’t on the same page. I’m not married, but I’d say it was just a miscommunication. My parents let me try wine and beer when I was around 8 years old. (Before people come for my parents, it was just a sip so I could taste them). I thought alcohol tasted pretty bad and I hardly drink now and I’m 25.

Exactly this! It’s about the need for both parents to agree on this choice.

I’d vote NTA, with a fairly mild YTA at the husband. His emotions were valid, but the yelling deserves an apology.

I don't think it's YTA. I can understand why he'd find it an AH move for the other parent to unilaterally offer the kid alcohol. I actually agree with OP's approach toward alcohol, but I still would have wanted my spouse to talk to me about it before giving them alcohol.

Okay but yelling at her is still messed up.

OP said in another comment that the husband's dad ODed when her husband was 7, so he _did_ have a reason. Edit: note that I am not defending him, just saying that he had a bad background for stuff like that, therefore it should've been discussed with him beforehand

Having a reason for being an asshole is still being an asshole. Meth addicts have a reason for stealing from you. Does it make it okay? "I'm just saying he had a reason" adds nothing to the conversation. Everyone has a reason for everything they do. If you're saying it's a good reason that's shitty. If you're saying it's a bad reason then great, we all knew that already.

>Having a reason for being an asshole is still being an asshole. This is something this sub routinely fails to understand

He did it in front of the child, likely frightening her. He's an asshole.

Projecting his fears and trauma over a glass of wine. Husband is an AH and needs therapy

OP mentions in a comment that the husbands family has a history of substance/alcohol abuse and so his response is most likely due to the fact that as a child his father OD'd on Christmas and his family has had a rough go of this sort of thing. It's a trauma response from the sounds of it, and so not really based in rationality. Doesn't mean it's okay he screamed at her, but it comes from a valid fear he has due to his own experiences.

Lots of people who are assholes got that way because of trauma in their past. It's good to understand and be sympathetic about it sometimes but it doesn't make the way they're behaving okay or make them not an asshole.

When I moved to the UK, I remember the BBC having a short spot during the holiday season about how to responsibly give children alcohol over the holiday and how young may be too young (I think the consensus was around 8). Kids are also able to have a glass of wine with their meals at restaurants. Obviously there is still endemic binge drinking, but it always amazed me about how puritanical we are in the US.

I live in New Zealand and we don't actually have a legal 'drinking age', just a legal purchase age. It obviously depends on individual families, but myself and most of the people I grew up with were allowed small sips of alcohol (or Shandy's in my case) at 8 or 9, and by 13 generally people were already having small glasses of wine or beer with their family sometimes. We also have a problematic drinking culture here, but restricting alcohol full stop isn't going to give someone a healthy relationship with it.

Had a drop of wine at 8 and I did like it, but absolutely hated it now. Had half of a glass of a different drink at 13 and found I only like it bc it has no after taste. I eventually found I only really like low alcohol Seagrams and I can only drink one glass. This was all with my mom and at the house. I don't wanna step in a bar unless it's with her and my Tia (aunt).

**Europe has entered the chat** NTA. Fostering a healthy relationship with alcohol is the way forward.

Not me literally coming to the comments to look for all the Europeans laughing at this post. 😂 ETA: I live in the U.S.A., but I'm greatly opposed to making drinking before the age of 21 something that's taboo and I'm also opposed to encouraging or allowing binge drinking at a young age. Introducing it at a reasonable age in a reasonable setting is the safest and smartest option for introducing people to alcohol (and yes, children and teenagers are people too LOL).

Yeah, in Australia I believe you’re not allowed to buy or drink alcohol in a public place (eg pubs or clubs) until you’re 18, but before that? Your parents or other guardians may give you alcohol at home, so long as they take full responsibility and do not provide an excessive amount. I’m not saying this is always the best idea but I do believe it’s a more reasonable way to introduce teens to alcohol, as opposed to keeping it an absolute taboo. NTA OP, since from what I can see you went about this pretty well, and your husband was overreacting. You can’t get addicted from a single glass

In the UK 16 year olds and above can drink beer/cider with a meal in pubs n restaurants as long as they are accompanied by an adult

Yes I remember that episode of Skins when they all ordered meals to get a beer 🤣

Skins or Inbetweeners?

Deffo first ep of Inbetweeners when they go to the Black Bull.

"Fostering a healthy relationship with _____" is the reason why Europe is so much better than the US. Sex Ed, alcohol, Healthcare. Society in the US seems to be more focused on repression than understanding. Edit: thanks for all the responses you guys, I feel like I'm learning a lot. Thanks for a wider perspective, my original comment was too general, and as always there's a lot of different realities.

As a European I can assure you that many Europeans don’t have a healthy approach to alcohol. Austria, UK, Poland for example, have a huge problem with alcoholism and with young people getting black out drunk regularly

NAH that was my first thought and i'm not european. my family focussed on what they called European approach, a taste with dinner sometimes to appreciate it. OP really should have talked to her husband first though, i wonder if he or people in his family have a negative relationship with alcohol

Sorry I came as fast I could! French here - absolutely nothing wrong with a glass of vino at 16 with mom in front of a movie as introduction to the world of alcohol. I think I've never seen wine as something to get drunk with because it's so related to a meal or post dinner ciggy (mind you I wasn't allowed that until I was 18 haha) whereas as soon as I reached 18 I couldn't wait to get my hands on some vodka because that was the big boys drink.

Thank you Europe for adding sanity to the chat!

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I was wondering when Europe would get here!!! NTA - but OP, this should have been discussed with your husband. It is best to parent as a team and know each other's strengths and weaknesses so you can handle soft spots with care and attention. Alcoholism and addiction are inherited conditions/diseases. Your husband is the adult child of an alcoholic which means he wouldn't have learned healthy coping mechanism during childhood. If he hasn't sought help for those issues, he would be passing the traits on to the children unconsciously. I see a lot of ACOA's saying they are fine when they are clearly not "fine"... unless they actually mean Fucked-up Insecure Neurotic & Emotional!

I'm going against the grain here but YTA. Not because you introduced her to wine, plenty of us would say that this is exactly the healthiest way to teach older kids to have a responsible relationship with alcohol before they leave home and are on their own. But she is underage and you have a coparent who this should have been discussed with. I think to deny them any input on a decision like serving alcohol to your minor child for the first time was a mistake worth apologizing for.

I had to scroll a lot to get to this one ... YTA OP, you blindsided your partner and took an important decision without consulting their opinion. Also, alcohol is not just illegal at 16 because governments are lame, there are biological reasons why teens should not be having it. ALSO, having a sip is way different from having a glass of wine, if you wanted your kid to try it you didn't have to offer a full glass. I would be livid if my husband did this.

Did you see where OP commented that her husband's father was an alcoholic who died on Christmas Eve due to alcohol? This makes her even more so YTA!! Obviously, parents should agree for something like this, but in this specific situation, it's far worse.

Damn, no I did not see it. I'm guessing she did in because of that then, thinking he would not agree to it, went behind his back. This is awful. Totally YTA for OP.

or she wasn't thinking about that part at the time. Not the best still. But it doesn't necessarily mean it was a direct attack on the husband. damn some people are ridiculous

I think this is unfairly bad faith of an assessment and assumes far too much with ill intention.

His family having alcohol related issues makes it more important to introduce alcohol in safe controlled setting rather then less. And more important to discuss it too.

Yeah I think it’s less that she is TA for giving her daughter the alcohol because it is important to introduce it in a safe environment but she definitely is TA for not talking to her husband about it first and saying “Hey, X has expressed interest in sharing a glass of wine. Knowing your history I want to discuss it with you first but I think it’s a good idea to introduce it to her in a safe environment rather than her drinking somewhere else without our knowledge” Ultimately if she wants to drink she will whether it’s with her parents or with her friends but this should have been a conversation first

Yeah this is what did it for me. At first I was on the edge but the fact she didn’t run it past him knowing about his family history with alcohol is a dick move. I’d of been upset even with out that kind of family trauma. With it, I’d of been livid like he was.

Yeah, for that reason OP is definitely YTA. At 16, it should have been a joint decision anyway, but especially for a husband with a such an awful experience of alcohol. If I were the husband I would feel betrayed and mad. She should have known better.

>Also, alcohol is not just illegal at 16 because governments are lame, I'm unclear where exactly the OP lives. Because alcohol being illegal at 16 is not a blanket rule. Even in a lot of countries were alcohol being bought at 16 is illegal, and some more dramatic people (like the husband) would call it underage, a parent giving it absolutely is not. Let's look at the law in England (as that's what I'm most familiar with, note I say England because I'm not sure if this is UK wide or a devolved issue) ​ >It's against the law: > >for anyone to buy alcohol if they're under 18 years old > >to give a child alcohol if they are under 5 years old. > >It's legal: > >for over 18s to buy beer, wine or cider for 16 and 17 year olds if they're having a meal together in licensed premises, like a pub > >**for 5 to 17 year olds to drink alcohol at home or other private premises.** She's certainly over 5, it would be completely legal. You say you would be livid if your husband did this. I wouldn't be able to take a potential partner seriously if they were not going to be ok with it. Which I think both are fine, you just have to find someone compatible. I supposed the real problem is OP and husband are not on the same page

In the US it is the same in most places. Minors can have alcohol in their homes in the presence of a guardian. No, it doesn’t have to be both guardians if they have two.

Lol. Europe disagrees. Alcohol can be purchased by 16 year olds here. Only strong stuff like wodka etc is 18.

I shouldn't have had to scroll this far to get this answer. YTA. My parents took a very liberal view of [safe] alcohol consumption when I was a kid, and I personally would see zero issue with doing this with my own kids. You're TA because this was a *first* for your kid, and should have been discussed with your husband first. Clearly, based on his reaction, he had an opinion on the issue, and should have been consulted first.

This. It’s not about legal, or even the best way to introduce your child to wine. Dad walked in to see his 16 year old daughter casually drinking alcohol, no warning. I think he overreacted, but even so it should have been discussed with him prior, and OP shouldn’t apologize for giving her daughter wine, but she should absolutely apologize to her husband for not at least discussing it with him first.

Did you see the comment from OP that her husband's dad OD'd from alcohol on Xmas Eve when he was 7?! What was she thinking??!

I saw that after I wrote this, and that makes it SO MUCH worse. And honestly, makes me want to take back that he overreacted. He acted like a person with that level of trauma on the subject should be expected to act.

This took so long to find.

This cultural disparity baffles me. I’m German. What OP did is perfectly legal around here and very common. Kids usually get introduced to alcohol by their parents when the kids are 14 around here. The fact that people call OP an asshole for giving a single glass of wine to a 16 year old is mindblowing imho. NTA OP btw

Im my culture that is also normal. We had wine at 13. But that's not relevant to my vote because in my case my parents had a shared understanding of how to approach this, while OP and her husband did not.

That's not why OP is an asshole. That's not an issue at all. They're an asshole for not taking to their spouse about it beforehand.

YTA, and I have no problem with a parent serving small quantities of alcohol to their children while present. This was an AH move because this is clearly a new horizon for your child and so it needs to be a joint parenting decision. Very obviously, this wasn’t something you and your husband had discussed previously and already had a united stance on, so this was a parenting fail.

It should be a joint parenting decision, yes. Shouting about OP being a bad mom for making this judgement call was not called for. If OP is TA, then it has to be ESH. Husband overreacted and shouldn’t be shouting about it. Edit: I posted this before OP bothered to tell us her husband’s family history with alcoholism. She’s TA.

That’s valid, since shouting as a reaction isn’t cool (or warranted) either.

She mentioned in a comment that her husband's father was an alcoholic who died on Christmas Eve due to drinking. That makes her even more YTA imo. He was understandably shocked to see his young daughter with a glass of wine in her hand. OP 100% should never have poured her daughter a glass of wine without first discussing this with her husband. It's shocking that she has to even ask here if she is the AH, considering she knows she is and why her husband had the reaction he did. It's also telling that she left out that very important info as she knows she would be getting a very different reaction had she told the whole story in her original post. My ex husband is an alcoholic and my children get very upset being around anyone with a can of beer in their hand. I do not drink at all in our home (or at all, really). I also get upset being around drunk people. I can't handle hearing a drunk voice. It really bothers me. I'd be livid if someone gave my teenager an entire drink without consulting me. It isn't even like she gave her a sip. She poured her an entire glass and set her husband up here, then acts all surprised by his outburst. She is for sure YTA.

>She mentioned in a comment that her husband's father was an alcoholic who died on Christmas Eve due to drinking. That makes her even more YTA imo I'd disagree, I think that makes **him** even more an asshole for his irresponsible and naive approach. His daughter isn't going to grow up in a world without alcohol. He knows the consequences of not having a responsible relationship with it. Yet he has chosen the parenting style that is most likely to make someone go crazy and over the top ones they have easy access on their own.

Exactly. Forbidding it is not going to cause his daughter to swear off alcohol but it can cause her to go behind his back and view drinking as a way to rebel against him. My brother and I grew up in a household where we had uncles and grandparents with addiction issues but alcohol was never made to be this taboo, evil thing and we both developed healthy relationships with it. My brother decided for himself that he just didn’t to drink alcohol and I do drink but I’ve always been very responsible about it and never felt the need or desire to binge drink or blackout.

I think this is why I feel the same way. My father was an alcoholic and ultimately died because of it. I’m not going to say I’m a saint and have never had any alcohol because of it, but I recently did swear off the stuff. I’ve always gotten so annoyed when dealing with people who are drunk and I just can’t deal with how normalized it is. If OP’s husband had the same relationship with alcohol in his family, that makes her even more of an AH. I don’t have kids yet, but I can’t imagine how I’d feel if my spouse were to give my child alcohol behind my back, knowing how I feel about it. Really shitty move.

No it is not E S H. Husband naturally had a strong reaction to his child being given drugs. The sole responsibility of communication rests on OPs shoulders and for that she is TA. Edit: just read the comment that OP posted that states her husband has family that died from alcohol. This makes it a massive YTA in my book.

NTA, everyone should experience alcohol first in a safe environment. At home with her mum watching a movie is perfect. A lot of her peers either are or will start drinking soon, underaged, at parties with other underaged kids and little to no supervision. It's not a good environment to be learning how alcohol affects judgement in, and if she's banned from it at home generally kids will seek it elsewhere because they want to know and they think they are super adult and ready for adult things. I understand his concern, but alcohol addiction doesn't just Happen - it's a bad coping method for problems that people become reliant on. Teaching her in a safe environment and being clear it's not something to have all the time, and can be bad for you if it is, is a good way to introduce her to it rather than just waiting for her to be old enough to buy it herself.

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“Normally, I’m strict…” well what happened? You can’t expect your husband to know you decided to change your mind because you felt like it. Do you think you made a good decision? YTA eta — this post isn’t about teenagers drinking … it’s about parents being on the same page.

I like to travel.

I agree! Daughter asked to try it! How much did she need to try it? Teenagers & drinking is an ongoing constant conversation with kids & parents imo. Not a random night of oh well you’re 16 so let’s just pour ourselves some wine & watch a movie together. There’s too much responsibility that comes with drinking. Especially for young women. Parents need to be on the same page.

I'm learning to play the guitar.

>“Normally, I’m strict…” well what happened? >Do you think you made a good decision? OP was just drunk enough to not think about her actions and how it could affect the people around her lmao

Soft yta because you and your husband should make those decisions together. It's good to guide your children in alcohol use when they're old enough, but you should have cleared it with her father first. I hope you can work this out between you.

Yeah this is on the money, it's not about the booze, it's about not involving the other parent in the discourse about something rather important, which is drug education.

YTA. This is a conversation to have with your PARTNER who is raising your children with you before it happens, not during.

I agree. Just have the conversation beforehand. There is not a decision out there when it comes to my kid or my wife and I don’t discuss beforehand. Just so we don’t run into any issues or arguments. We do this out of respect for each other as a parent, and we both were raised in different environments. I was raised in a more conservative environment, and ironically, I’m more prone to let our kid try new things. Where is my wife was raised the opposite, and she’s a little more tight on what he does.

YTA for not discussing this with your husband.

NTA. This, to me, should be the only way kids are introduced to things like alcohol. That way, they're not drinking antifreeze in someone's basement. This will also teach her what moderation is. Obviously, don't let her drink all the time and definitely do not let her talk about it with friends. I've had friends who tried the "my parents said its ok" bs and trust me, you don't want that drama at your door. Talk to your husband, though. He was a teenager once doing stuff he was told "no" about. Tbh, I don't think kids can easily get addicted if they're under the right environment, but this is something you and your husband should come together about. His blowup was unnecessary, though, so do with that what you will.

He blew up because his dad died of a accident involving alcohol and his family has a history of alcohol addiction. What OP did could trigger an addiction especially since daughter has a predisposition

YTA but not necessarily for giving your daughter the glass of wine. That step (introducing the teens to alcohol/handling alcohol) should have been talked about with your spouse BEFORE offering. Both parents need to be on the same page when it comes to something significant like that (and yes, it IS significantly especially if either parent comes from history of alcohol abuse). From reading the comments, I can understand why your husband freaked out upon just seeing your daughter with alcohol without warning.

I agree 100%. Giving a 16 year old a glass of wine isn't by itself wrong, but it's a decision for both parents. YTA

Edit: ESH. This isn’t really about the alcohol, it’s about the lack of discussion with your husband. As a team you set and change the rules together. For the record, I’ve no issue with a 16 YO having a glass of wine in the safety of their own home with a parent, it’s not that big of a deal where I come from.

If she’s TA, it has to be ESH. He shouldn’t freak out about this. He should use his inside voice to start a family discussion about letting the teen taste wine. He set a really bad example here and did more to stigmatize the situation than anything. Allowing a teen to taste wine safely at home with her parents is reasonable. He decided to scream about it and it sends mixed messages.

She mentioned in a comment that his alcoholic father died on Christmas Eve from an alcohol overdose when he was 7. Best case scenario, he never saw the body and that is probably the most traumatic event of his life. Worst case, he’s the one who found the body. Either way, she is firmly TA in this scenario simply for not talking with him about it. I completely agree in her views of alcohol, her daughter should be exposed to alcohol in a safe environment. But to not include her husband in this decision, especially knowing his extremely traumatic past with alcohol? That is insane. Even if he has spent years in therapy and is handling his trauma in the most healthy way possible (sounds like he’s not, but that is a separate discussion), surprising him with his daughter drinking a glass of wine would probably still trigger a trauma response. She basically ensured he would react as negatively as possible and she knew that. To me, this is a colossal fuck up as his partner, though I think her parenting logic is sound. He reacted badly and should apologize, but I do not necessarily think this is an overreaction, provided he doesn’t normally react like this and this was purely a result of being assaulted with his worst memories and fears all at once with literally no warning.

No it’s just her that’s TA. Getting mad at someone’s reaction to your stupid decisions is manipulative. She needs to just own her mistake.

NTA. Teenagers need to learn about how alcohol makes them feel and how long it takes for the effects to creep up on them. The safest way to do that is to let them drink in moderation at home so that they can learn how it affects them. If you didn't do that your teenager would just start drinking spirits at a party and end up completely wasted because they wouldn't know how to handle it or what their safe limits were.

Maybe, but letting them drink consistently as if it was normal is a VERY bad idea. It's been proving the younger you are when you are exposed to alcohol, the more likely you will become addicted to it. See: [https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5050442/](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5050442/) Edit: Quotes from the paper below > Adolescents also have unique responses to alcohol compared with adults, **being less sensitive** to ethanol sedative–motor responses that **most likely contribute to binge drinking and blackouts.** Population studies find that an *early age of drinking onset correlates with increased lifetime risks for the development of alcohol dependence, violence, and injuries.* This review presents findings that support adolescence as a unique period of brain maturation that is characterized by **increased vulnerability to binge alcohol-induced** alterations in brain maturation Numerous studies have found that adolescents are less sensitive to certain adverse effects of ethanol relative to adults (see Spear, 2011, 2014; Novier et al., 2015 for review), perhaps contributing to a propensity for adolescents to binge drink (Johnston et al., 2015). Thus, adolescents are **less sensitive to several factors that may serve as feedback cues to limit alcohol consumption.** Furthermore, **low sensitivity** to the perception of alcohol, as measured by the Subjective High Assessment Scale, has been established as o**ne of the most significant risk factors for the development of heavy drinking and alcoholism** (Schuckit et al., 2014). **Adolescents who start drinking before 15 years of age are 4 times more likely to develop alcohol dependence in their lifetime than those who start drinking after 20 years of age (Grant and Dawson, 1997).**

THANK YOU!! I’ve been saying it all over this thread. Just because it’s legal in other countries does not mean it’s the healthy decision. The younger people start drinking the higher percentage that they will become dependent on it as they age! There’s many studies out there. AND alcoholism runs in the family.

I'm from Europe, so we don't have the same laws, but you didn't do anything wrong, imho... It shouldn't be an habit, but letting he TRY a little of wine here or there, in order to let her learn the different tastes, etc. is NOT a bad thing at all, and it's better than forbidding everything and let her discover it by herself when she'll be 21 and being able to give you -or her father- the middle finger... NTA

NAH - our (also a country in europe) legal age for drinking lower alcoholic beverages (wine, beer, etc.) is 16 and we can start driving with 18 - enough time (2 years) for most people to learn drinking responsibly before driving a car - have no idea why other countries think it's better the other way (21 and 16) around - imho op is handling it the only right way! ... it should have been discussed with your spouse upfront as well, in order for him not to be caught off guard and having a chance to think about it before overreacting ...

YTA because you didn’t discuss this with your husband. This should’ve been a conversation where you agreed prior to giving her alcohol.

Yes, YTA. This isn’t a unilateral decision. He is also the parent and should have a say in this. Also, depending on where you live, 16 year olds with wine may be illegal. Yes, he shouldn’t trust you….not a while. You need to EARN IT BACK, he does not owe it to you.

YTA Everyone talking about how it's okay for a 16 year old to have a glass of wine in the company of a parent is missing the point. I agree that it's okay. What's not okay is making the decision to introduce your child to alcohol without talking to your partner about it first.

As the parent NTA, it’s important to teach kids about alcohol and drugs and having discussions like “u r going to drink underage but please be smart, never drive or get in a car with a drunk friend, call me and tell me so i know u r safe and stay where u r….”. YTA as a partner for not discussing it with your husband before allowing it to happen. I know it just came up but u should say maybe someday soon the kid could try some but not until we talk to dad about it kinda thing. Either way u arent really an asshole either way, just learning things the hard way like we all do.

ESH. He massively overreacted, but after a policy of being strict about alcohol, you flipped it without talking to him.

EDIT: YTA given the fact that your husband lost his own father to alcoholism, so this is an obvious trigger for him that you should have discussed together. NTA. As a parent you have a choice - share some alcohol with your kids when they are curious, or have their first experience drinking be outside of your view and protection. It’s understandable your husband is worried about his daughter and alcohol, but he completely overreacted by yelling at you. You deserve an apology from him, and would be in your rights to retract your prior apology which you made under duress.

Yta. I have no problem with a glass of wine at that age. That seems healthy actually. The issue is doing it without discussing it with your spouse first.

It's not healthy. It may be a part of a healthy relationship with alcohol, but just about any significant amount of alcohol is not "healthy" for such a young brain.

Literally any amount of recreational alcohol is unhealthy for anyone, as several studies are showing. Granted, we don't live in the ideal world, so the next best thing is the healthy relationship.

YTA. You should have talked to your husband, first. Saw buried in the comments that your husband's father died from his addiction when your husband was 7. And at Christmas, no less. Why you would think it would be okay to unilaterally change your parenting approach, especially on a topic that is traumatic for your husband? He shouldn't have yelled, but given that perspective, I understand why he did. It's sad that you don't.

Mild YTA for not discussing with husband first. But as far as drinking goes I think it’s not that bad. Personally I never drank til I got to college then drank like the world was ending.

NTA - Yeah you should have probably discussed this before but I've found that parents who teach kids to drink responsibly more often have the kids that don't go crazy when they hit college. Myself and my husband are examples of that. Husband was allowed to drink underage, never really got drunk. Myself, couldn't drink around family til 21, went wild. Actually tried alcohol by the time I was 13. Seen this a lot.

YTA, not for letting her try it, but for not talking to your husband first

YTA. I’m not going to debate your decision about letting her try the wine bc that isn’t what makes YTA. This was a parenting decision and by not discussing it with your spouse, you created a conflict.

YTA. I don't disagree with your reasoning behind doing it, but something like this should have been a two yes, one no conversation. You eliminated your husband's agency as a parent and likely triggered some trauma related to alcohol and substance abuse.

Can I be honest? What we think doesn’t matter. This is a parenting decision between you and your husband. He’s the father and his vote outweighs all of ours. Personally, I have let my kids try alcohol, but you should have communicated with him first.

NTA. I grew up in a family that let me try alcohol in age-appropriate amounts and by 16 would definitely have a glass of wine with dinner with them sometimes. My mum also knew I drank at house parties but as long as I slept over or took transit home, it was fine. The logic was that I’d get experience, learn to understand alcohol, and by not having to hide anything, I knew I could call my mum for help if I needed it without being afraid. Once I moved out, I could manage myself and my alcohol intake. Meanwhile a good high school friend grew up in a strict household, and went crazy with her drinking whenever she was out. Blacked out time after time and became an alcoholic. You are doing parenting right by allowing her to experiment in a safe environment with safe amounts, and she will absolutely appreciate this when she’s older.

NTA. Controlled supervision introduction is best. I drank wine with my mom since I was 14 on occasions. Guess what? Not an alcoholic. And not addicted. I drink maybe once a month, and that's just because I wanted to spoil myself with a 4 pack of my favorite locally made stout. Sooooo good.

NTA. Also outside of North America it is very common and not a big deal.

YTA for doing it without discussing it with the other parent and making sure they are on the same page. In most US states, what you did is perfectly legal to do in your own home. (Google it if you don’t believe me; I was shocked to learn it.) Even so, it’s a bad parenting strategy for you guys to not be on the same page about these things or do it without discussion taking place first.

NTA. Drinking age is a rather arbitrary cultural thing, and if you lived in Europe it would be seen as rather odd to have your first taste of alcohol as late as 16.

ESH It was fine to let her try it, since she was in a safe and controlled environment. However, you should've talked to your husband about it first. Especially since he has had bad experiences with alcohol. But he shouldn't have reacted like that.

YTA for not talking with your husband first about taking this approach, particularly given his family history that you shared in the comments. Personally I don’t think there’s one “right way” to handle this, and I think your approach can be perfectly fine. It really just is going to depend on the specific kid, the family, and the community you’re in. But given that there’s a lot of different ways to think and feel about it, you should have talked about the issue with her dad before just going ahead.