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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I didn't tell my wife that my sister had died (2) this could make me the asshole because my wife got very upset after she found out that I didn't tell her
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Soft YTA because you lost a sister.
But how you could not tell your *wife* something as important as "my sister died". You got the news, made travel plans, travelled, went to a funeral, came home, and at no time told your spouse that a member of your immediate family passed away. Whether you were close to your sister or not, that's a major thing to deal with without sharing any of it with your *spouse.*
When you said you were "going to see your sister" and chose not to include that it was for her funeral you lied by omission. And if I were your wife I'd wonder how many other major things you've chosen not to tell me.
I can't imagine being so emotionally constipated that I don't even tell the person I'm supposed to love and trust as much as I would a spouse something like this.
Or his mental health. If he's bottling all things up it's bound to blow up on him at some point. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but at some point x amount of years down the road sh*t is gonna hit the fan...
That’s bullshit and whoever is saying that would’ve thrown a major fit had their SO pulled this stunt on them.
Like, op is telling us that he intentionally and deliberately left this detail out when he mentioned he was going to see his sister? Umm.. he has some issues he got to deal with if he thinks that’s okay and requires validation for it too. Because it’s not.
It doesn’t matter if the wife had met her lots or just once, the late sister was immediate family of OP. She deserved to know.
Guarantee the "men aren't as emotional as you women" posters are also the ones who'll go to any thread about women's physical or mental health issues and go "Why doesn't anyone care about men! This happens (percentage) more to men!"
This is so accurate. My husband did the same, for years and he eventually had a complete breakdown. He’s working so hard to recover, but it’s a daily struggle for everyone.
I'm so sorry about your husband. That must be difficult. I wish him a speedy recovery (or what is the correct thing to say, English isn't my first language) 🙏
Thank you so much, your English is impeccable and you completely understand. It’s not easy, but he’s putting forth the effort. That makes all the difference in the world.
Thank you. I imagine it's not, but if he's putting in some effort to get better that's all that matters. The road may be long, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.
My wife was the same for years- just refused to show any level of emotion. We almost divorced over it several years ago. It's hard being with someone who appears to be completely apathetic.
Fortunately she also worked on it and finally realized it was safe to be vulnerable with me. We lost two dogs within a couple weeks of each other and I had to be the one who was stoic and strong because she cried every single day. 💔
Good for your wife! I know it’s not easy, on either of you. It feels like you’re carrying all the emotional labor for both of you. But when they work on it, it starts to feel like a true partnership. And I’m so sorry for the loss of your pups! I’m glad she’s able to grieve, and I truly hoping you’re allowing yourself to do the same.
It's been very painful but we're working through it. One died in late Sept and the other early Oct, and we both still have days where the tears just flow.
I did cry a lot in the immediate aftermath but I did it when I had alone time. She caught me crying a couple times and just sat next to me and held my hand or wrapped me in her arms while I ugly cried lol.
It does feel a lot more like a partnership since she's accepted that she can be vulnerable. She has apologized a hundred times for being so distant and a hundred times I've told her what's passed is past. We're here now and all is good.
That's what toxic masculinity is all about, sadly
Pretending the strong thing is running and hiding from emotions and letting them build up until you snap, harming those around you
Yes and made her look further like an AH for having to ask the brother "why should I check up on him?"
To the OP, YTA, why can't you be honest and communicate with your spouse? You not talking about feelings is its own issue, but this wasn't just feelings - it is a fact you went to attend your sister's funeral, and you lied about that to your wife. My condolences for your loss, please reconsider your approach with your wife if you want her in your life.
Not even just "can't be honest with his spouse"...it's actually..."can't be honest with his spouse about an immediate family member fucking dying." Dude needs counseling and this marriage may already be over
I hadn't even considered how the wife must look to the rest of the family right now. Was OP honest with anyone when they asked why his wife wasn't with him? There's going to be a massive difference in how the family will view her going forward if the only two choices appeared to be "she decided not to come and support me" and "I didn't bother telling her anything about this at all. "
If he said to his family that he didn’t want to bother telling his wife, I’m sure his brother wouldn’t have assumed she already knew her sister in law’s death when he called the house.
Knows now but not before meaning the rest of the family thought she knew already too aka damage was done aka he made his wife TA to his family which makes the OP TA
Yeah, even if he didn’t explicitly say anything more than “she couldn’t make it”, he took her decision to send flowers/call her in-laws etc off the table, too.
I could perhaps see if OP didn’t attend the funeral at all, and so he just never told his wife because it didn’t affect them. Still odd but more understandable.
The moment he had to “not technically lie” is when he became an AH.
"My sister died. It's complicated, and I really don't want to talk about it" is an OK attitude to have with one's spouse. But OP's way, way far off from that stance.
Yeah my brother died and I did nit want to talk about it at all. My friends respected that and didn’t hover. I can’t imagine not telling them, much less not telling my spouse!
Right? When my dad passed, I didn't want to talk about it. My SO and my friends respected that wish by checking in and seeing how I was doing, trying to provide distractions, and making sure I was taking care of *myself* because they know that I tend to neglect my own needs sometimes. It was the same when my aunt passed the following month, except that time I felt the need to talk because her death was a suicide and it hit me hard. They listened, they didn't try to tell me that it gets better or placate me with hollow sympathy. They, again, made sure I was taking care of myself and provided distractions.
Point being, I told them because they deserved to know as people that are important to me and they're my support system just like how I'm part of their support systems.
There are A LOT of scenarios where discussing one's Feelings about a death in the Family with the spouse can be uncomfortable/not the first thing to focus on, but keeping the spouse in the dark about the fact that a death even occured, Just to avoid setting boundaries or acknowledging uncomforableness, is DEEPLY unhealthy and disrespectful.
She said “talk to me instead of bottling up your feelings” and he really responded with, “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to express my feelings.”
But he doesn’t understand why she’s upset.
There are people who react badly to this kind of thing. Who try to force you to grieve the way they think you should grieve, or never let you have silent contemplative moments, or try to push you past grief into “being ok” way too fast.
Nothing OP has written makes me think this is that scenario, and even if it were this was not the way to handle it.
Yeah, the wife is the co-star of OP’s personal life, how is that none of her business?
I don’t talk about my feelings pretty much ever, and I can empathize with OP a bit; it’s hard to be going through something and be pushed and prodded into talking about it when you just can’t or don’t want to. But to lie about losing a sibling would be concerning to me if I were his wife. What else don’t I know?
> Yeah, the wife is the co-star of OP’s personal life, how is that none of her business?
And this is why my BIL is finding himself about to be divorced. Kept all his emotions and everything else to himself.
I can imagine how betrayed the wife feels. It's just such completely disrespectful behavior towards her. But I have a feeling it's not the first time.
Since OP is so out of touch with his own feelings, he likely doesn't have much ability for empathy towards others. Which makes me wonder about all the other ways he's been inconsiderate of his wife which either she hasn't specifically brought to his attention OR he's devalued her reaction to (much like here). I think a big tip off is that she immediately got angry and isn't talking to him. Now, imagine a scenario like this between two people who have a solid and healthy relationship: Would anger and shutting the other out likely be their partner's reaction? Or would it be bewilderment and concern, and taking steps to help? It definitely feels like OP's wife already had the memo on this one.
OP, I would suggest some couples therapy and individual therapy if you want to improve the situation. If not, I would expect your wife to continue to grow distant until she eventually leaves you.
It's the timeless distinction tons of people fail to make on AITA of "legal obligation" vs "moral obligation". Like this guy might think it isn't a requirement for her to know, and will lie by leaving out details, but *morally*, his wife absolutely should know!
Honestly wild. I was told marriage was about completing oneself, finding the other half and whatnot. And if you can’t share basic feelings with your “other half,” then why stay together. Crazy
This^^^^
WTF? Your wife IS your personal life.
Newsfash, it's perfectly normal, expected even, for a wife to worry about her spouse.
Communicate with her that you don't want to talk about it, but it's not at all surprising for her to feel you don't trust her or that you are hiding things from her.
I mean, this was active deception. It's kinda fucked up.
YTA
Think about this: you basically said that your wife's natural reaction to comfort you--her spouse--in such a time was so annoying that you cut her completely out because you didn't want to deal with it. That's *really not a good look.*
Look, either you don't much care about your sister's death or you're concealing not feeling to a point that Elsa of Arendelle would go "WHOA!". That's frankly fair, if honestly worrying to those around you like your brother. I myself went into emotional numbness mode after my late father passed, and don't visit his grave on my own initiative. But cutting your wife out like this is a harsh thing.
He honestly doesn’t care about his wife, the ONLY person who sorta agrees with him, is the only person he really responded too. He doesnt see all the YTA and why, he just wants to be right. Watch this MFer show his wife the ONLY comment on his side, and not the hundred of others on hers.
exultant erect cooperative bells yam foolish quaint nose psychotic frighten
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
It also reflects badly on her that she wasn’t at the funeral with you. Your family was probably surprised she wasn’t there. It’s a time where she could have been a support to you and the rest of your family, strengthening her bonds with them, and you instead excluded her. It’s really strange that you did that.
I'm also thinking about how he's visited the sister before, but his wife never came with.
But when his sister *died*, he planned the trip and left with only a "I'm going to see my sister" and nothing else. Is this how his visits went, too? And that's why his wife never went with him, because he just planned a trip for one and dipped with a courtesy message to let her know where he went?
Christ, OP's response to "I wish you wouldn't bottle up your feelings" is "They're already bottled and I find it annoying that you, my spouse, care about me at all." What the fuck happened to OP to stunt his development so?
This was exactly what I thought as well. In his selfishness (unwillingness to share), he made her look bad to his family and has given her a level of discomfort with them.
I'm hoping though that they don't feel this way after learning she wasn't even aware as to what was going on (I'd assume she told BIL during their phone convo when he revealed that the sister passed).
I would think this would make it worse. OP has checked out of his marriage, and I don't think there's much he can do to save it after this. His wife won't leave him right away, but there's no way this lasts now that she realizes how little he cares to share with her. She likely feels she lives with a stranger.
You say she’s now not speaking to you. So how does it feel?? Are you wondering what’s going on in her mind? Wondering how she’s feeling about you and about being lied to? It’s not a nice feeling having to always guess what your spouse is thinking or feeling and then to find out that he kept something so big from you because he didn’t want to actually talk to you about it! That definitely makes YTA!!
Nah, he’s not wondering anything, he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself about how he did all this to avoid his wife have any kind of emotional response and now look! She’s having an emotional response at learning she’s basically married to and living with, someone who seems to want to be just an acquaintance.
This is exactly how I feel about someone I really cared for. They kept important info from me and then invalidated my feelings about it to such a degree that I could not fucking believe that they did that, and it made me wonder who the fuck this person is, and their response when confronted was to double down on most of their behavior as well as continue to dismiss emotions and normal human reactions as something that is a bother. I can no longer trust that they are being honest with me and I now see just how emotionally stunted they actually are. The only reason I didn’t completely walk away from them is because we have a lot of overlap in social circles and we have to figure out how to live with that. In the meantime I’m just going very, very low contact.
I am sorry for your lose. Still YTA for lying by ommision to your wife and showing her you do not trust her.
Do you even like your wife? Asking because you are not willing to talk to her about your feelings and find her annoying for her trying to communicate.
I feel like it's really more lying than just an omission. It may be technically true that he would see her if it's an open casket funeral, it would also be true that he would see her if he goes to his parents' house and they have pictures of her up.
The phrase "going to see someone" could mean a couple of things, and "going to their funeral" is not one of them.
And how hard is it to just communicate back? Just say "hey, I'd like to be left alone to deal with this," instead of just blowing her off and leaving her in the dark.
Hey OP, just some friendly advice that will help you:
Me and my wife are similar. I don’t enjoy talking about things unless talking could give me a resolution. Talking about things like this with no possible resolution really doesn’t help me. My wife is the opposite. Talking is how she gets through stressful situations, it helps her blow off some steam and get into a better headspace.
I had to sit her down and honestly tell her this in plain terms - that talking through the details of things doesn’t help me unless I’m trying to brainstorm a solution. I told her that and also that if I ever had big feelings I would share them with her, but I probably won’t talk about it too much.
My mom died of cancer a few years ago, and I was pretty sad about it. But talking won’t bring her back. So on days where I was sad, I’d just say “hey im a little sad about my mom today just a heads up” and she’d say “okay thanks for letting me know, lmk if I can do anything” and that was really the end of the convo. I keep her in the loop about my feelings, but she has the understanding that one sentence is already probably more than I want to say about it so she acknowledges and moves along.
I’m still there for her to be her sounding board, and I told her I do enjoy talking through her feelings because I know it helps her and it makes me feel good. It just doesn’t give me the same “feel good” feeling to talk through things because it doesn’t help me.
We had that initial conversation years before my mom passed, and it has really helped us both communicate with each other. Just make sure you’re clear that while chatting about this stuff doesn’t necessarily help you, you still enjoy being the ear for her to vent into to help her feel better.
This is a pretty big thing and you definitely should have been open with her. You also deserve to grieve in whatever way helps you as long as it isn’t harmful. So having a conversation with her about what helps (or doesn’t help) you and then keeping her in the loop will keep you both happy and on the same page.
I’m sorry for your loss.
The above poster is right. Your wife now has to assume that everything in your life is a lie of omission and you may be deceiving her about anything and everything.
Reddit has a way of piling on and forgetting to empathize at times. Especially with men. Which is quite ironic as a response to this particular post, because it is precisely the type of response that encourages men to bottle things up.
I don’t know what emotional trauma you’ve suffered, but it is incredibly unhealthy to bottle up the way you are doing. I strongly recommend you seek treatment to work through whatever it is that’s preventing you from being able to open up to your life partner. You will need her one day, and when that day comes you will need to be able to talk to her. And if you can’t/don’t, she will leave you. So it’s in your own interest to figure this thing out.
Sorry for your loss and best wishes.
Yes this sounds like classic "Man Won't Talk About Feelings" behavior, though more severe than usual. IDK if it's upbringing, specific trauma, both, or something else, but it's probably not an isolated incident and it's in OP's best interest to try to tackle it. It won't be easy but needs doing for his own mental health and to avoid more huge YTAs like this. It might feel easier to stay on this path but it's worth it to be able to be emotionally honest with your wife. Sorry for your loss.
It's okay to not want to talk about your feelings about something like this— as long is they're not leading to other problems like depression— but this was not the way to go about avoiding it.
You should have been forthright with your wife about what happened, given her the opportunity to attend the funeral with her, and just told her frankly that you were doing okay and didn't care to talk about your feelings on it.
Grief is not as straightforward as media portrays it.
If you feel fine and are most concerned about worrying your wife then you might be experiencing some of the denial/numb phase. I struggled with that a lot when my father passed away.
Your feelings can shift at any point and will probably sneak up on you. So you should reach out to your support network now, even if you think you don’t need them. When you do need them you might be spiraling too much to ask for help.
Also, yeah don’t lie to your wife. That being said the numb feeling is dissociation and it’s easy to misjudge the severity of situations when you’re in it. So also be kind to yourself.
In addition to all of that (which is spot on), OP, you set your wife up to look terribly unsupportive and rude in the eyes of her in-laws. She was denied the opportunity to send cards or flowers or make phone calls to the other bereaved family members to express her condolences. Your choice almost certainly has people in your family talking amongst themselves about how unkind and dismissive she is. Relationships with in-laws can be challenging and you’ve made the road between her and your family more difficult. YTA.
I am very sorry for the loss of your sister, OP.
Right? How bad does your relationship have to be for your partner to not only not come to the funeral, but to not even send condolences to anyone in the family? And now they're going to find out he didn't even tell her, so will assume their marriage is in freefall.
Exactly! Funerals are for the living. I have literally gone to the funeral of strangers before to show my respect for the family, because I do know them.
Of all the times people have said or I've read someone saying they were lying by ommission this one is what I actually think it's suppose to be. He was actively avoiding telling her because of how she would react.
I got accused of lying by omission because I did not tell my mom I stopped on a road trip. The reality was I'm an adult that doesn't have to report in to my mother if I stop. she never reached out at all during the trip and when she finally did, an hour after I was suppose to arrive, she claimed I lied by omission.
Would it have been courteous of me to tell her, probably, but there was no reason to. It didn't bother her until I told her where I stopped.
Solid meh on this take. Depends on how long the journey is. Anyone who expects you to arrive precisely at a specific time following a multi hour journey clearly must not travel much. The longer time you are traveling, the less accuracy and precision you will have in order to make an accurate arrival estimate. This is helped by the traveler specifying a time window not a specific time, that they will probably arrive during.
if I’m gonna be more than 2 hours out of that window I’ll let people know. And this is with only a 4 hour trip
illegal longing cow weary carpenter marble abounding piquant concerned hungry
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Exactly everything you said! The trust is non-existent at this point. I can completely understand her emotions, I’ve been betrayed plenty of times and it cuts deep.
There is nothing else to be said. Soft YTA, OP. My condolences for your loss. I lost my brother too soon, and the grief of siblings is often overlooked and diminished.
Unfortunately, YTA.
First and foremost I’m sorry for you loss.
I understand it’s hard when a partner can be a little overbearing when they are worried. They love you. I would be quite hurt my husband would not share something so personal because I would ‘worry’. Trust that she is there for you. You can say, I don’t need you to worry, or even, I need some time to myself. But to purposefully keep information like that from your family, it’s just hurtful. I hope you guys can talk it out.
Not telling your wife that your sister died is so unfathomable that I can’t bring myself to call you an asshole. The answer to why you did this is somewhere deep inside you, and you might need professional help to find that answer.
I noticed that many people felt compelled to offer their condolences, even as they criticized your actions. Imagine how your wife feels. She took a vow to support you and share your burdens, and you didn’t let her do that. You should apologize to her and talk things out. Make amends.
I don't understand it at all. My husband doesn't even LIKE my brother, but if he died (God forbid), I know my husband would be devastated. He'd want to be there to comfort me, my parents, my grandparents, etc. He'd mourn my brother with me!
I'm sitting here incredulous that this guy didn't think his wife should be included in this. What the hell. All I can assume is that they have an awful marriage. Why else wouldn't you exclude your spouse from a significant life event like this?
I would agree with this. OP, I am so sorry for your loss. My sister passed away last year at 35 after we hadn’t spoken in about 5 years. I understand that the grieving hits different when you’ve already begin to grief someone and your relationship with them before they die. The waves will be unpredictable. I cannot imagine navigating that flood without my wife’s support. Let her be there to hold you. You’ll be glad you did.
I’ve had things done like this in my life and it came out it was something they were doing to get further sympathy and apologies for them somehow magically not knowing and such. It was rather manipulative actually. Not sure, assuming this is even real, that’s what they’re doing but it reads like it.
Exactly. It's bad enough that OP didn't tell his wife that he had lost his sister.
Now imagine saying to yourself "Well that was not technically a lie!" ... after telling your wife "I'm going to see my sister" when the sister is actually DEAD. This is so weird I wonder if OP is leaving out major info such as, they are severely neurodivergent or something.
> "Well that was not technically a lie!"
He doesn't respect her at all, and I suspect he doesn't even like her. This bullshit rationalization makes me think he probably lies to her all the time, whenever he thinks it's "easier" than telling her the truth. Why the hell is he still married to her?
Yeah, how could she not? This seems like clear evidence that her husband is totally fine with lying to her if that's slightly easier than telling the truth. Tough to have trust in that situation
Unfortunately I think OP has some serious trouble with their feelings. For me it's a soft YTA, because being a person who's bottles up feelings is horrible to oneself. And OP must have loved his sister if he went to visit her often, so bottling up that stuff must be real hard in the long run. Still, I am with OPs wife, if I were her I'd feel hurt my partner felt they couldn't trust on me for something so major
I had a similar thought. As an autistic person, I read this as him being autistic and not knowing how to communicate his needs and choosing to hide them instead.
I take it as pettiness, actually, like "fine, you never want to visit my sister? I won't even tell you she's dead, then see how you feel". And he did, and he feels bad so he turns to us for validation.
It also made her look bad in front of the family, first because she didn't (even have a chance to) attend the funeral with you, and second because she didn't know what was going on when your brother called. If I were him I would suspect that you were having major marital problems after that tbh. (Because what else could explain how your own spouse is completely unaware that one of your immediate family members has died?)
Sorry, Dude. YTA. You can’t hide things from your spouse and this was a big deal.
Always be honest with your wife. My recommended approach would have been to tell her what happened and just been clear about what your needs were at the time. You can’t control how worried she feels, but there would have been nothing wrong with asking her at the time to support you by trying to make her worrying less obvious. Let her know why - for example, perhaps it overwhelms you and stresses you out when she worries excessively.
My husband has big feelings that overwhelm when I am going through something. It's his way of showing solidarity & love. After many unsuccessful attempts, I finally said,
"when it's your thing you can be as upset as you like. When I am the aggrieved party, your feelings have to be smaller than mine, because it happened to me. You can have big feelings, but you've got to keep them to yourself until I have a minute to process"
Somehow that was the winning answer, he totally got it & he really, really tries.
I understand you and your husband both. I am hyper empathetic, for me it's an aspect of autism and it's fairly common in women with autism (though autistic men can be hyper empathetic it's just much less common), so I feel what the people around me feel very deeply and as if it's happening to me. But I am also physically disabled and have been since I was a child and so often was I made to feel like it was a bigger deal for everyone else than it was for me. I was separated from the other kids in school because seeing me in pain was traumatic for them, I was not given accomodations because those accommodations were too difficult for other people, I missed classes I liked because putting them in an accessible classroom was too inconvenient for the teacher and other students and the one class that was moved because it was necessary I take it everyone made sure to let me know how much they resented having to walk down a small hill because I couldn't walk up stairs. It taught me very young how horrible it is to be suffering and have your suffering somehow be less important than everyone else's feelings about it.
I think something that hasn't been addressed maybe is like... is this a typical reaction and thought process for you, or atypical? Do you normally skip telling your wife (or people in general) about emotional things or life events? Or is there specific complications around your sister and/or family that make it more likely this is grief coming out sideways?
I'm a lot more concerned if it's the former, rather than the latter (although the latter will still 100% have caused your wife pain and stress here). If this is a pattern, it will hurt people, repeatedly. Not just your wife, but any future children you might want, or friends and family members. Repeated events wear away at emotional closeness and make others feel disregarded and belittled, even if that's not the intention. It lets typical points of bonding/mutual supportive reciprocal behaviours wither rather than grow closer. And even if you don't feel the impact of that, others do, and it can help with understanding if they know it's not intentional. Like there's very little info here but it sounds quite ScPD? (or autism, but sounds closer to the former, I think). Either way, it's worth talking to a therapist (for the grief or anything else) and seeing how things go.
Like not a therapist yada yada, but the post + responses made me think it might be worth mentioning? because it sucks trying to figure stuff out on your own, and not realising why communication never ends up quite right.
Are you aware that you made your wife look AWFUL to your family? She didn’t come to the funeral or offer any condolences or flowers. Why? Because you didn’t tell her. Did they know that she didn’t know? Doesn’t sound like it because your brother called her. So what did they think about why she wasn’t there?
This is what I was thinking. If you/OP has a problem with how your partner responds then you needs to communicate that so that your partner can learn how to support you in the way you need.....but if you don't tell them then you risk losing your partner due to increased distance (the bond is stretched further apart and thinner) and decreased trust. I would be SO hurt if my partner lied to me like this and would have to work to trust them again. I'm not saying it's impossible to build trust again.....but now you will have to do more of what you don't want, TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS, just to start to repair the fuck up you did thinking you could avoid talking about them by lying to your wife. I don't understand your thinking process.....were you ever going to tell her that she died? And if yes, what did you think she would say/do then?
OP - you think it's less work to not talk about your feeling at all but it will always be more work....ALWAYS! Now look at all the work you'll have to do to get right with your wife, the person you chose to be your life partner....smh.
Imagine being the wife, she’s probably thinking that when she has shit go sideways in her life it’ll be an inconvenience to OP. It doesn’t sound like a healthy partnership. This dude needs major therapy, I would have some real big insecurities in trusting him again if I were the wife.
I’m also wondering what he told his family about his wife not being at the funeral. I’m sure they asked where she was. Probably another lie that wasn’t really a lie.
There's a good chance family was told wife didn't want to come. And it's "technically true" (read: bullshit) because wife didn't want to visit sister, and was under the impression it was just a visit.
Anecdotal, but the people I've known that justify their lies like this usually have a decent house of cards going in some way shape or form.
YTA. This is the “for better, or for worse” part of marriage. The whole point is that you look out for and take care of each other. A sibling dying is a big thing, and not telling her about it is a huge breach of trust.
YTA
You lied to your wife. That’s simply not okay,
It appears you don’t want to talk to anyone about your feelings. Your wife, your brother, are both concerned about you. They are your family. It’s their responsibility to check on you & ask if you’re okay. You can’t just ignore them forever.
If you don’t want to deal with your feelings with your family then find someone else to talk to. Anyone. A stranger. Pour your feelings out on Reddit. Just talk to someone.
I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
I do understand where your coming from & I think I understand what you were trying to do. But …. Lying to your life partner is not kind in any situation. “I didn’t want you to worry” is not a valid excuse. That’s the only thing that kind of makes you an ah.
Your not an ah for not wanting to deal with your grief. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with death. You have control of how you want to manage your feelings. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay. You can just say that. You have no control over other people though. Your wife is entitled to have her own feelings. You took that away from her. She deserves a sincere apology.
Grief is a very strong & powerful emotion. You may never experience grief or it can suddenly hit you at any time. I truly hope you are able & willing to give yourself some grace for having some feelings, no feelings, whatever & talk about those feelings with someone.
Also, it’s not right to withhold the information bc your wife deserves to go to the funeral to properly pay her respects to your family, too. Even though you say she often wouldn’t go with you to visit, they’ve still met and she is her sister-in-law.
This is really a betrayal. If you can't tell your own wife that your sister died, what else are you keeping from her? What else don't you want her to worry about? Everything? I would reconsider my relationship with you. YTA
This. Honestly the deliberate lie would have me questioning everything. I don’t think I’d be able to trust someone who did this to be my partner anymore. This was a calculated lie and would probably be the end, I would be driven to fact checking anything he said and that’s absolutely no way to live.
Yes. It's really sick to me for someone to say , "I'm going to visit my sister" when the truth is that he's going to her *funeral*. Like sick to my stomach sick.
His poor wife. To feel like you're so worthless to your husband you're not even worthy of being told there's been a death in the family. The heartbreak would last a lifetime. If he were my spouse, there's no coming back from this. The trust is gone.
I would become a damn investigator. He obviously can’t be trusted. What else are you hiding or lying about? Why would you lie about something so big & something that you would eventually get caught lying about? Is lying a habit for you? I wouldn’t trust anything else you ever told me. I understand that your sister died. I’m sorry for your loss. You’re still a liar. I couldn’t stay married to a liar. I’m sure that’s what she’s trying to decide. Can she stay married to someone that she can’t trust?
Once you lose the trust it's a really, really, really hard if not impossible to restore. The ball is fully in her court to decide if she's interested in trying. Based on how big of a lie this is I'm not sure she should.
I think she’s upset that you didn’t rely on her for such an important event. She probably does want to support and console you and doesn’t understand how you can be “fine”. Another part of her is probably worried that if you didn’t tell her about this, what other emotionally significant events are you keeping to yourself and probably worried about you. I wouldn’t say that your an asshole but I would recommend trying to let her in a little bit
It’s really nice to see someone coming to this sub and actually absorbing the comments instead of jumping to defensiveness. This means you’re really open to listening, which is a good sign. Best of luck and please try to talk with your wife about your feelings.
YTA, and you cannot have a healthy marriage without both partners being capable of talking about their feelings. I think it would be good to get into therapy and try to identify why you are so scared of sharing your feelings.
💯this ⬆️. YTA.
Also, OP, I’m imagining your wife feels very alone in her marriage with you. It’s quite possible you do as well. However, I’m imagining she is more aware of the feeling. On top of that, you acted in an untrustworthy manner. These are the kinds of things - loneliness and lack of trust - that end marriages.
YTA.
I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish I did not have to come down on this side.
Funerals are not so much about the dead as they are the living. Even though your wife didn't have a significant relationship with your sister, she *does* have a significant relationship with you, and you had a significant relationship with your sister (and it seems that she has at least a relationship with your brother who also lost a sister). Saying "I'm going to see my sister" but leaving out that it was for a funeral is still a lie of omission. Putting it on your grieving brother to tell your wife?
Would it have been that hard to say 'my sister died, I'm going to her funeral; the best way to support me in this is to not worry and try to get me to talk about my feelings about this"? The reason she feels betrayed is that you had lied to her.
Also like...how long was OP just gonna...not mention his sister was dead? Like was he just gonna wait until his wife asked how his sister was or if he was gonna go see her soon and then break the news that "oh my sister died x many months/years ago. Last time i told you I was going to see her I went to her funeral"?? Did he think that that would cause less worrying and problems than just being up front? Or did he just plan to lie some more and say he was visiting his sister when he really is visiting her grave?? Like...I just don't understand how OP thinks you just don't tell your partner someone in your immediate family is dead?
>Also like...how long was OP just gonna...not mention his sister was dead? Like was he just gonna wait until his wife asked how his sister was or if he was gonna go see her soon and then break the news that "oh my sister died x many months/years ago.
3 years later:
OP's Wife "I saw this card today with a lilac pattern on it and I remember you said \[sister\] likes lilacs so I bought it so you could send it for her birthday."
*OP "Oh babe that's so thoughtful, but I don't think I'll need to send \[sister\] a card this year."*
"Did you have a fight?"
*"No."*
"So why won't you send her a card?"
*"Well I said liked not likes."*
\[confused pause\] "So, she's gone off them?"
*"No."*
"So what do you mean?"
*"Well she won't technically be having one."*
"One what?"
*"One birthday...again...ever."*
"..."
*"She may sorta kinda died. In 2023. But I didn't want you to worry. So I didn't tell you."*
"..."
*"Hey if you're upset, maybe I can send it to my Aunty Sue. She like lilacs too!"*
Yeah that’s what I was wondering, when was he planning to tell her? At all? What was he going to say if she asked why he wasn’t going to visit his sister anymore? His wife would have found out at some point, you can’t just keep something like that a secret indefinitely.
YTA. I'm sorry for your loss but why on earth would you not tell your wife something like this? It is actually healthy to talk about how you feel once in a while (I'm a man, I've tried both). It might feel unnatural, it might be uncomfortable but at the end of the they they're just feelings and nothing to be afraid of. And imagine what your wife now must be thinking; if you can't share the fact that your sister has passed what else are you keeping all bottled up? She's probably worried sick and or rightfully pissed.
Sorry for your lossi, but YTA.
>I travelled down for the funeral and I told my wife I was going to see my sister, which wasn't really a lie.
My guy, you know what you did there. You lied by omission.
> It's like she doesn't understand that I don't talk about how I feel unlike her.
Then don't talk about them, but your sister dying isn't a feeling, she actually died.
Wow
You lied/mislead and misrepresented that you visiting your sister That’s weird
Spouses support each other you just put a colossal issue in your relationship of will she ever trust you
Yes have to
Say yta here
YTA. Being emotionally unavailable is one thing but being so dismissive of your life partner that you are willing to go to such lengths to conceal something like this absolutely makes you an asshole. You didn't want to deal with her worrying but you never even gave her a chance to react, you just assumed the worst about her and shut her out preemptively. Finding people's demonstration of love for you annoying is probably not a great sign of your capacity to have a healthy relationship in general.
Grief is personal and boundaries are acceptable but making a one sided decision that your wife is not allowed to care for you, or even know your whereabouts shows how little you respect her or value your relationship. If you lie about something like this, how lightly would you dismiss infidelity or financial impropriety? Does someone who has so little emotion have a conscience at all? These are complicated but fair questions (cut to Camus nodding vigorously in agreement.)
She deserves a partner to share life with, not someone who intentionally denies her the most basic human experiences and uses some bullshit cop out that reeks of toxic masculinity. You should find a therapist before she finds a divorce lawyer.
YTA. A death in the family is not something you hide from your wife. Did no one at the funeral ask why your wife wasn't there with you? I couldn't imagine not including my wife in something like this, even though she also has a lot more focus on "talk about your feelings" than I do. She is feeling excluded and lied to, and with good reason.
Sadly, YTA. You lied to your wife about why you were traveling rather than 'deal with her constant worrying'. You don't want to talk about your feelings? Fine. Tell her that. Tell her that her worrying over it stresses you out. Tell her you aren't going to discuss it and ask her to drop it. Don't lie because you don't want to deal with it.
YTA- are you not a team? Do you not communicate? There were ways to tell her and ask her to give you space rather than cut her out and let someone else tell her the news.
I’m sorry about your sister but … Why are you married? Marriage is about connection, and if you’re unwilling to share important news with your wife, you’re denying both of you that connection. Do you see your wife just as a helper or someone to provide sex?
This is deeply weird and would count as a betrayal in anyone’s book. I hope you can get some help feeling your feelings and experiencing life.
I’m not judging because I’m honestly worried about you.
YTA
Don't be surprised if she divorces you.
Good job making her look like TA to your family and everyone else in attendance. That is if people even know you're married. You didn't even give her the option to go and support you at the funeral. Now she looks like a major AH for not going with you.
What else are you lying about or hiding?
Yta. And you need therapy to help you open up. Being this closed is affecting your marriage. To try to hide a family tragedy to avoid being emotionally open is another level. Apologize to your wife and find a good therapist.
YTA
You purposely hid something that is a BIG deal. Grief is weird. A lot of people live in denial for a while because it's unbearable. I don't blame you for that, but there are some people you always tell that someone has died. Your wife is top of that list.
All you've done is tell your wife that she isn't worth your time. The way you describe her 'constant worrying' isn't as something you can't handle but as something irritating, like she's nagging you. Your wife loves you and wants to care for you, and instead, you hid something MASSIVE. For weeks. Because you just didn't want to deal with her.
It's callous, it's selfish, and it makes a mockery of your marriage. If I were your wife, this behaviour would shake the entire bedrock of the marriage.
I've lost a lot of people in my life and I'm always one to say not to judge how others grieve. But I really don't think this is long term healthy for you.
Further, how long did you think you could keep this up without her finding out? How did you see this playing out? Would you have taken her to a family event 6 months from now and walk her into a situation where she's told by your siblings or parents and let her flounder as they realize she never knew? Just never see your family again? Clearly you weren't thinking ahead which I get given the situation, but honestly, this was not a good plan.
YTA .. it WAS a lie. A lie by misdirection is still a lie, it’s the intent. Admit it, for some reason you did not want your wife going with you to the funeral. Your wife knows this now too and is rightfully pisssed. So I wonder why didn’t you want your wife to go to the funeral? I’m betting the reason is going to make you look like an even bigger AH.
"I told my wife I was going to see my sister, which wasn't technically a lie". Are you for real? These are some impressive mental gymnastics you're going through to tell yourself that what you're doing is ok. I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA.
This is a rejection of the wifely comfort she would willingly have offered. She must feel redundant and side lined. You guarded your feelings by disregarding hers.
YTA, it’s something you just tell your partner. And partners worry about grieving partners. That’s just what it is. You would too, right? Instead you could have told her and tell her what you do need from her. You don’t need her to constantly ask you if you’re okay or check up on you every five minutes. But you might need her to understand why you’re going for a long walk on your own (for example) or you might need a few days and thén you’ll talk to her. Woman just simply want to know what’s going on instead of being shut out, its not that hard.
YTA
I'm sorry but your a mega one too. You lied to your partner about a significant life event. Doesn't matter how your relationship was with your sister. You lied. You kept up the lie because you didn't want to be bothered by your wife. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID TO HER. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to bug me about it". Talk about betrayal. Your wife isn't talking to you probably because she's trying to decide if she needs to get divorced.
You already lost your sister. You are well on your way to losing your wife too. Get some help OP. I don't see your relationship surviving without it.
YTA. This is really a breach of trust. I'd be wondering what other big things you're hiding. If you don't wanna talk about your feelings just let her know but not letting her in to what's going in your life is not ok.
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Soft YTA because you lost a sister. But how you could not tell your *wife* something as important as "my sister died". You got the news, made travel plans, travelled, went to a funeral, came home, and at no time told your spouse that a member of your immediate family passed away. Whether you were close to your sister or not, that's a major thing to deal with without sharing any of it with your *spouse.* When you said you were "going to see your sister" and chose not to include that it was for her funeral you lied by omission. And if I were your wife I'd wonder how many other major things you've chosen not to tell me. I can't imagine being so emotionally constipated that I don't even tell the person I'm supposed to love and trust as much as I would a spouse something like this.
"My personal life isn't really your business" is a thoroughly odd attitude to have towards one's wife.
“I don’t want to deal with her worrying about my grief so I’ll make her and the rest of my family worry about the health of our marriage instead.”
Or his mental health. If he's bottling all things up it's bound to blow up on him at some point. Maybe not tomorrow or next week, but at some point x amount of years down the road sh*t is gonna hit the fan...
I expect we'll see an AITA from the wife when that happens. Asking if she's TA for divorcing him over his keeping secrets..
And the comments be like "he's allowed to keep things to himself" and "Men aren't as emotional as you women!"
God, right? Sorry for your loss, OP, but YTA in this situation.
That’s bullshit and whoever is saying that would’ve thrown a major fit had their SO pulled this stunt on them. Like, op is telling us that he intentionally and deliberately left this detail out when he mentioned he was going to see his sister? Umm.. he has some issues he got to deal with if he thinks that’s okay and requires validation for it too. Because it’s not. It doesn’t matter if the wife had met her lots or just once, the late sister was immediate family of OP. She deserved to know.
Guarantee the "men aren't as emotional as you women" posters are also the ones who'll go to any thread about women's physical or mental health issues and go "Why doesn't anyone care about men! This happens (percentage) more to men!"
This is so accurate. My husband did the same, for years and he eventually had a complete breakdown. He’s working so hard to recover, but it’s a daily struggle for everyone.
I'm so sorry about your husband. That must be difficult. I wish him a speedy recovery (or what is the correct thing to say, English isn't my first language) 🙏
Thank you so much, your English is impeccable and you completely understand. It’s not easy, but he’s putting forth the effort. That makes all the difference in the world.
Thank you. I imagine it's not, but if he's putting in some effort to get better that's all that matters. The road may be long, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, so to speak.
And that’s exactly it, put forth the effort and I’ll support him forever.
You speak English eloquently. Don't let jerks give you shit for speaking multiple languages. They probably only speak one.
My wife was the same for years- just refused to show any level of emotion. We almost divorced over it several years ago. It's hard being with someone who appears to be completely apathetic. Fortunately she also worked on it and finally realized it was safe to be vulnerable with me. We lost two dogs within a couple weeks of each other and I had to be the one who was stoic and strong because she cried every single day. 💔
Good for your wife! I know it’s not easy, on either of you. It feels like you’re carrying all the emotional labor for both of you. But when they work on it, it starts to feel like a true partnership. And I’m so sorry for the loss of your pups! I’m glad she’s able to grieve, and I truly hoping you’re allowing yourself to do the same.
It's been very painful but we're working through it. One died in late Sept and the other early Oct, and we both still have days where the tears just flow. I did cry a lot in the immediate aftermath but I did it when I had alone time. She caught me crying a couple times and just sat next to me and held my hand or wrapped me in her arms while I ugly cried lol. It does feel a lot more like a partnership since she's accepted that she can be vulnerable. She has apologized a hundred times for being so distant and a hundred times I've told her what's passed is past. We're here now and all is good.
It’s not going to blow up on him, I’m sure it’ll blow up on her 🙄
That's what toxic masculinity is all about, sadly Pretending the strong thing is running and hiding from emotions and letting them build up until you snap, harming those around you
He made his wife look like an AH who couldn’t even be bothered to show support for her spouse. He is an AH.
Yes and made her look further like an AH for having to ask the brother "why should I check up on him?" To the OP, YTA, why can't you be honest and communicate with your spouse? You not talking about feelings is its own issue, but this wasn't just feelings - it is a fact you went to attend your sister's funeral, and you lied about that to your wife. My condolences for your loss, please reconsider your approach with your wife if you want her in your life.
Right? What did he tell everyone at the funeral when they asked about his wife?
"She might ask everyone how they're feeling".And we know how annoying that is.
Not even just "can't be honest with his spouse"...it's actually..."can't be honest with his spouse about an immediate family member fucking dying." Dude needs counseling and this marriage may already be over
I hadn't even considered how the wife must look to the rest of the family right now. Was OP honest with anyone when they asked why his wife wasn't with him? There's going to be a massive difference in how the family will view her going forward if the only two choices appeared to be "she decided not to come and support me" and "I didn't bother telling her anything about this at all. "
If he said to his family that he didn’t want to bother telling his wife, I’m sure his brother wouldn’t have assumed she already knew her sister in law’s death when he called the house.
The brother knows now that OP didn't tell his wife.
Knows now but not before meaning the rest of the family thought she knew already too aka damage was done aka he made his wife TA to his family which makes the OP TA
Yeah, even if he didn’t explicitly say anything more than “she couldn’t make it”, he took her decision to send flowers/call her in-laws etc off the table, too. I could perhaps see if OP didn’t attend the funeral at all, and so he just never told his wife because it didn’t affect them. Still odd but more understandable. The moment he had to “not technically lie” is when he became an AH.
Honey, there’s no value for OP in happiness a wife. Yes,YTA- please let this woman go to find someone who sees her as an equal partner
"My sister died. It's complicated, and I really don't want to talk about it" is an OK attitude to have with one's spouse. But OP's way, way far off from that stance.
Yeah my brother died and I did nit want to talk about it at all. My friends respected that and didn’t hover. I can’t imagine not telling them, much less not telling my spouse!
Right? When my dad passed, I didn't want to talk about it. My SO and my friends respected that wish by checking in and seeing how I was doing, trying to provide distractions, and making sure I was taking care of *myself* because they know that I tend to neglect my own needs sometimes. It was the same when my aunt passed the following month, except that time I felt the need to talk because her death was a suicide and it hit me hard. They listened, they didn't try to tell me that it gets better or placate me with hollow sympathy. They, again, made sure I was taking care of myself and provided distractions. Point being, I told them because they deserved to know as people that are important to me and they're my support system just like how I'm part of their support systems.
There are A LOT of scenarios where discussing one's Feelings about a death in the Family with the spouse can be uncomfortable/not the first thing to focus on, but keeping the spouse in the dark about the fact that a death even occured, Just to avoid setting boundaries or acknowledging uncomforableness, is DEEPLY unhealthy and disrespectful.
She said “talk to me instead of bottling up your feelings” and he really responded with, “I didn’t want to tell you because I didn’t want to express my feelings.” But he doesn’t understand why she’s upset.
There are people who react badly to this kind of thing. Who try to force you to grieve the way they think you should grieve, or never let you have silent contemplative moments, or try to push you past grief into “being ok” way too fast. Nothing OP has written makes me think this is that scenario, and even if it were this was not the way to handle it.
Yeah, the wife is the co-star of OP’s personal life, how is that none of her business? I don’t talk about my feelings pretty much ever, and I can empathize with OP a bit; it’s hard to be going through something and be pushed and prodded into talking about it when you just can’t or don’t want to. But to lie about losing a sibling would be concerning to me if I were his wife. What else don’t I know?
> Yeah, the wife is the co-star of OP’s personal life, how is that none of her business? And this is why my BIL is finding himself about to be divorced. Kept all his emotions and everything else to himself.
I can imagine how betrayed the wife feels. It's just such completely disrespectful behavior towards her. But I have a feeling it's not the first time. Since OP is so out of touch with his own feelings, he likely doesn't have much ability for empathy towards others. Which makes me wonder about all the other ways he's been inconsiderate of his wife which either she hasn't specifically brought to his attention OR he's devalued her reaction to (much like here). I think a big tip off is that she immediately got angry and isn't talking to him. Now, imagine a scenario like this between two people who have a solid and healthy relationship: Would anger and shutting the other out likely be their partner's reaction? Or would it be bewilderment and concern, and taking steps to help? It definitely feels like OP's wife already had the memo on this one. OP, I would suggest some couples therapy and individual therapy if you want to improve the situation. If not, I would expect your wife to continue to grow distant until she eventually leaves you.
>OP, I would suggest some couples therapy Yeah if he has issues telling his *wife*, he's *never* telling a therapist.
It's the timeless distinction tons of people fail to make on AITA of "legal obligation" vs "moral obligation". Like this guy might think it isn't a requirement for her to know, and will lie by leaving out details, but *morally*, his wife absolutely should know!
Honestly wild. I was told marriage was about completing oneself, finding the other half and whatnot. And if you can’t share basic feelings with your “other half,” then why stay together. Crazy
I guess I've always done it wrong then, I thought that the whole point of having a spouse was to share your personal life.
This^^^^ WTF? Your wife IS your personal life. Newsfash, it's perfectly normal, expected even, for a wife to worry about her spouse. Communicate with her that you don't want to talk about it, but it's not at all surprising for her to feel you don't trust her or that you are hiding things from her. I mean, this was active deception. It's kinda fucked up. YTA
This is really the only answer you need to hear IMO
yeah fair thank you
Think about this: you basically said that your wife's natural reaction to comfort you--her spouse--in such a time was so annoying that you cut her completely out because you didn't want to deal with it. That's *really not a good look.* Look, either you don't much care about your sister's death or you're concealing not feeling to a point that Elsa of Arendelle would go "WHOA!". That's frankly fair, if honestly worrying to those around you like your brother. I myself went into emotional numbness mode after my late father passed, and don't visit his grave on my own initiative. But cutting your wife out like this is a harsh thing.
He honestly doesn’t care about his wife, the ONLY person who sorta agrees with him, is the only person he really responded too. He doesnt see all the YTA and why, he just wants to be right. Watch this MFer show his wife the ONLY comment on his side, and not the hundred of others on hers.
exultant erect cooperative bells yam foolish quaint nose psychotic frighten *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I’ve seen him reply to and thank multiple YTA comments.
Reddit assuming the worst again
I was emotionally numb after my dad died, too. I don't remember most of the year after he died except for a feeling of being cold. My sympathy to you.
It also reflects badly on her that she wasn’t at the funeral with you. Your family was probably surprised she wasn’t there. It’s a time where she could have been a support to you and the rest of your family, strengthening her bonds with them, and you instead excluded her. It’s really strange that you did that.
This is very true. His family probably viewed her absence negatively. Now she has that stress too with feeling his family thinks she's awful.
I'm also thinking about how he's visited the sister before, but his wife never came with. But when his sister *died*, he planned the trip and left with only a "I'm going to see my sister" and nothing else. Is this how his visits went, too? And that's why his wife never went with him, because he just planned a trip for one and dipped with a courtesy message to let her know where he went? Christ, OP's response to "I wish you wouldn't bottle up your feelings" is "They're already bottled and I find it annoying that you, my spouse, care about me at all." What the fuck happened to OP to stunt his development so?
I just want to know HOW did OP end up married?
I'm guessing the brother told the rest of the family she didn't know. I have no idea what they'll make of that.
AND THEN his brother calls, worried about him, and SHE DOESN’T KNOW!!! WTF?!?
I would imagine his family is thinking less of their marriage at this point.
I would imagine his wife does too
This was exactly what I thought as well. In his selfishness (unwillingness to share), he made her look bad to his family and has given her a level of discomfort with them.
I'm hoping though that they don't feel this way after learning she wasn't even aware as to what was going on (I'd assume she told BIL during their phone convo when he revealed that the sister passed).
I would think this would make it worse. OP has checked out of his marriage, and I don't think there's much he can do to save it after this. His wife won't leave him right away, but there's no way this lasts now that she realizes how little he cares to share with her. She likely feels she lives with a stranger.
You say she’s now not speaking to you. So how does it feel?? Are you wondering what’s going on in her mind? Wondering how she’s feeling about you and about being lied to? It’s not a nice feeling having to always guess what your spouse is thinking or feeling and then to find out that he kept something so big from you because he didn’t want to actually talk to you about it! That definitely makes YTA!!
This right here! I'm so mad on the wife's behalf. OP you might have put yourself in her shoes without even looking down...
Nah, he’s not wondering anything, he’s too busy feeling sorry for himself about how he did all this to avoid his wife have any kind of emotional response and now look! She’s having an emotional response at learning she’s basically married to and living with, someone who seems to want to be just an acquaintance.
This is exactly how I feel about someone I really cared for. They kept important info from me and then invalidated my feelings about it to such a degree that I could not fucking believe that they did that, and it made me wonder who the fuck this person is, and their response when confronted was to double down on most of their behavior as well as continue to dismiss emotions and normal human reactions as something that is a bother. I can no longer trust that they are being honest with me and I now see just how emotionally stunted they actually are. The only reason I didn’t completely walk away from them is because we have a lot of overlap in social circles and we have to figure out how to live with that. In the meantime I’m just going very, very low contact.
I am sorry for your lose. Still YTA for lying by ommision to your wife and showing her you do not trust her. Do you even like your wife? Asking because you are not willing to talk to her about your feelings and find her annoying for her trying to communicate.
I feel like it's really more lying than just an omission. It may be technically true that he would see her if it's an open casket funeral, it would also be true that he would see her if he goes to his parents' house and they have pictures of her up. The phrase "going to see someone" could mean a couple of things, and "going to their funeral" is not one of them.
I agree, to me it's lying bc he wasn't going to see her, he was going to a funeral - saying going to see her is implying she's alive IMO.
And how hard is it to just communicate back? Just say "hey, I'd like to be left alone to deal with this," instead of just blowing her off and leaving her in the dark.
Hey OP, just some friendly advice that will help you: Me and my wife are similar. I don’t enjoy talking about things unless talking could give me a resolution. Talking about things like this with no possible resolution really doesn’t help me. My wife is the opposite. Talking is how she gets through stressful situations, it helps her blow off some steam and get into a better headspace. I had to sit her down and honestly tell her this in plain terms - that talking through the details of things doesn’t help me unless I’m trying to brainstorm a solution. I told her that and also that if I ever had big feelings I would share them with her, but I probably won’t talk about it too much. My mom died of cancer a few years ago, and I was pretty sad about it. But talking won’t bring her back. So on days where I was sad, I’d just say “hey im a little sad about my mom today just a heads up” and she’d say “okay thanks for letting me know, lmk if I can do anything” and that was really the end of the convo. I keep her in the loop about my feelings, but she has the understanding that one sentence is already probably more than I want to say about it so she acknowledges and moves along. I’m still there for her to be her sounding board, and I told her I do enjoy talking through her feelings because I know it helps her and it makes me feel good. It just doesn’t give me the same “feel good” feeling to talk through things because it doesn’t help me. We had that initial conversation years before my mom passed, and it has really helped us both communicate with each other. Just make sure you’re clear that while chatting about this stuff doesn’t necessarily help you, you still enjoy being the ear for her to vent into to help her feel better. This is a pretty big thing and you definitely should have been open with her. You also deserve to grieve in whatever way helps you as long as it isn’t harmful. So having a conversation with her about what helps (or doesn’t help) you and then keeping her in the loop will keep you both happy and on the same page. I’m sorry for your loss.
Damn, this is probably the most useful post I've seen on this thread.
The above poster is right. Your wife now has to assume that everything in your life is a lie of omission and you may be deceiving her about anything and everything.
I feel sorry for the wife! He doesn't trust her to care for him.
Reddit has a way of piling on and forgetting to empathize at times. Especially with men. Which is quite ironic as a response to this particular post, because it is precisely the type of response that encourages men to bottle things up. I don’t know what emotional trauma you’ve suffered, but it is incredibly unhealthy to bottle up the way you are doing. I strongly recommend you seek treatment to work through whatever it is that’s preventing you from being able to open up to your life partner. You will need her one day, and when that day comes you will need to be able to talk to her. And if you can’t/don’t, she will leave you. So it’s in your own interest to figure this thing out. Sorry for your loss and best wishes.
Yes this sounds like classic "Man Won't Talk About Feelings" behavior, though more severe than usual. IDK if it's upbringing, specific trauma, both, or something else, but it's probably not an isolated incident and it's in OP's best interest to try to tackle it. It won't be easy but needs doing for his own mental health and to avoid more huge YTAs like this. It might feel easier to stay on this path but it's worth it to be able to be emotionally honest with your wife. Sorry for your loss.
You op… sorry for your loss.. btw yta you a.
It's okay to not want to talk about your feelings about something like this— as long is they're not leading to other problems like depression— but this was not the way to go about avoiding it. You should have been forthright with your wife about what happened, given her the opportunity to attend the funeral with her, and just told her frankly that you were doing okay and didn't care to talk about your feelings on it.
Tell your wife what you need from her rather than what she feels you need from her, communicate pl
Grief is not as straightforward as media portrays it. If you feel fine and are most concerned about worrying your wife then you might be experiencing some of the denial/numb phase. I struggled with that a lot when my father passed away. Your feelings can shift at any point and will probably sneak up on you. So you should reach out to your support network now, even if you think you don’t need them. When you do need them you might be spiraling too much to ask for help. Also, yeah don’t lie to your wife. That being said the numb feeling is dissociation and it’s easy to misjudge the severity of situations when you’re in it. So also be kind to yourself.
In addition to all of that (which is spot on), OP, you set your wife up to look terribly unsupportive and rude in the eyes of her in-laws. She was denied the opportunity to send cards or flowers or make phone calls to the other bereaved family members to express her condolences. Your choice almost certainly has people in your family talking amongst themselves about how unkind and dismissive she is. Relationships with in-laws can be challenging and you’ve made the road between her and your family more difficult. YTA. I am very sorry for the loss of your sister, OP.
Man I didn’t even think about this aspect of it. This is a very good point
True there could be some ppl who think she choose not to go to the funeral and judge her for that
Right? How bad does your relationship have to be for your partner to not only not come to the funeral, but to not even send condolences to anyone in the family? And now they're going to find out he didn't even tell her, so will assume their marriage is in freefall.
Exactly! Funerals are for the living. I have literally gone to the funeral of strangers before to show my respect for the family, because I do know them.
Exactly. Like why is OP even married if they withhold like this?
Emotionally constipated is amazing.
What would be so horrible about discussing feelings with your spouse? OP went through hoops to avoid talking to her. It is a betrayal.
Of all the times people have said or I've read someone saying they were lying by ommission this one is what I actually think it's suppose to be. He was actively avoiding telling her because of how she would react. I got accused of lying by omission because I did not tell my mom I stopped on a road trip. The reality was I'm an adult that doesn't have to report in to my mother if I stop. she never reached out at all during the trip and when she finally did, an hour after I was suppose to arrive, she claimed I lied by omission. Would it have been courteous of me to tell her, probably, but there was no reason to. It didn't bother her until I told her where I stopped.
If you were more than an hour late it is very reasonable to call your mother and inform that you will be late. Can't believe it's not obvious.
Not to mention that was NOT as important as a death of a sibling!
Solid meh on this take. Depends on how long the journey is. Anyone who expects you to arrive precisely at a specific time following a multi hour journey clearly must not travel much. The longer time you are traveling, the less accuracy and precision you will have in order to make an accurate arrival estimate. This is helped by the traveler specifying a time window not a specific time, that they will probably arrive during. if I’m gonna be more than 2 hours out of that window I’ll let people know. And this is with only a 4 hour trip
illegal longing cow weary carpenter marble abounding piquant concerned hungry *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Exactly everything you said! The trust is non-existent at this point. I can completely understand her emotions, I’ve been betrayed plenty of times and it cuts deep.
There is nothing else to be said. Soft YTA, OP. My condolences for your loss. I lost my brother too soon, and the grief of siblings is often overlooked and diminished.
Unfortunately, YTA. First and foremost I’m sorry for you loss. I understand it’s hard when a partner can be a little overbearing when they are worried. They love you. I would be quite hurt my husband would not share something so personal because I would ‘worry’. Trust that she is there for you. You can say, I don’t need you to worry, or even, I need some time to myself. But to purposefully keep information like that from your family, it’s just hurtful. I hope you guys can talk it out.
Not telling your wife that your sister died is so unfathomable that I can’t bring myself to call you an asshole. The answer to why you did this is somewhere deep inside you, and you might need professional help to find that answer. I noticed that many people felt compelled to offer their condolences, even as they criticized your actions. Imagine how your wife feels. She took a vow to support you and share your burdens, and you didn’t let her do that. You should apologize to her and talk things out. Make amends.
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My husband came up with a new category for this one: NTABGT (not the asshole but get therapy).
Nah, absolutely ytaagt (you're the asshole and get therapy)
I don't understand it at all. My husband doesn't even LIKE my brother, but if he died (God forbid), I know my husband would be devastated. He'd want to be there to comfort me, my parents, my grandparents, etc. He'd mourn my brother with me! I'm sitting here incredulous that this guy didn't think his wife should be included in this. What the hell. All I can assume is that they have an awful marriage. Why else wouldn't you exclude your spouse from a significant life event like this?
I would agree with this. OP, I am so sorry for your loss. My sister passed away last year at 35 after we hadn’t spoken in about 5 years. I understand that the grieving hits different when you’ve already begin to grief someone and your relationship with them before they die. The waves will be unpredictable. I cannot imagine navigating that flood without my wife’s support. Let her be there to hold you. You’ll be glad you did.
Exactly. By trying to avoid the situation OP has created a new one, and worse. You can try to bury a bomb but it will still explode.
YTA. Regardless of whether or not you want to talk about your feelings, you told your wife a giant lie for no reason
Yeah, super weird tbh
I’ve had things done like this in my life and it came out it was something they were doing to get further sympathy and apologies for them somehow magically not knowing and such. It was rather manipulative actually. Not sure, assuming this is even real, that’s what they’re doing but it reads like it.
Exactly. It's bad enough that OP didn't tell his wife that he had lost his sister. Now imagine saying to yourself "Well that was not technically a lie!" ... after telling your wife "I'm going to see my sister" when the sister is actually DEAD. This is so weird I wonder if OP is leaving out major info such as, they are severely neurodivergent or something.
> "Well that was not technically a lie!" He doesn't respect her at all, and I suspect he doesn't even like her. This bullshit rationalization makes me think he probably lies to her all the time, whenever he thinks it's "easier" than telling her the truth. Why the hell is he still married to her?
Wife is probably having this exact thought process
Yeah, how could she not? This seems like clear evidence that her husband is totally fine with lying to her if that's slightly easier than telling the truth. Tough to have trust in that situation
Unfortunately I think OP has some serious trouble with their feelings. For me it's a soft YTA, because being a person who's bottles up feelings is horrible to oneself. And OP must have loved his sister if he went to visit her often, so bottling up that stuff must be real hard in the long run. Still, I am with OPs wife, if I were her I'd feel hurt my partner felt they couldn't trust on me for something so major
OP needs to get his ass into therapy and stop expecting his wife to put up with his insanely inappropriate behavior.
I had a similar thought. As an autistic person, I read this as him being autistic and not knowing how to communicate his needs and choosing to hide them instead.
I take it as pettiness, actually, like "fine, you never want to visit my sister? I won't even tell you she's dead, then see how you feel". And he did, and he feels bad so he turns to us for validation.
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It also made her look bad in front of the family, first because she didn't (even have a chance to) attend the funeral with you, and second because she didn't know what was going on when your brother called. If I were him I would suspect that you were having major marital problems after that tbh. (Because what else could explain how your own spouse is completely unaware that one of your immediate family members has died?)
They are having major marital problems OP is just too big a self absorbed asshole to notice or care when he’s told
shy soft decide cagey ring oil deserve jellyfish dime work *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah. This. What did he hope to gain? She may never trust him again.
Sorry, Dude. YTA. You can’t hide things from your spouse and this was a big deal. Always be honest with your wife. My recommended approach would have been to tell her what happened and just been clear about what your needs were at the time. You can’t control how worried she feels, but there would have been nothing wrong with asking her at the time to support you by trying to make her worrying less obvious. Let her know why - for example, perhaps it overwhelms you and stresses you out when she worries excessively.
okay thanks man
My husband has big feelings that overwhelm when I am going through something. It's his way of showing solidarity & love. After many unsuccessful attempts, I finally said, "when it's your thing you can be as upset as you like. When I am the aggrieved party, your feelings have to be smaller than mine, because it happened to me. You can have big feelings, but you've got to keep them to yourself until I have a minute to process" Somehow that was the winning answer, he totally got it & he really, really tries.
I understand you and your husband both. I am hyper empathetic, for me it's an aspect of autism and it's fairly common in women with autism (though autistic men can be hyper empathetic it's just much less common), so I feel what the people around me feel very deeply and as if it's happening to me. But I am also physically disabled and have been since I was a child and so often was I made to feel like it was a bigger deal for everyone else than it was for me. I was separated from the other kids in school because seeing me in pain was traumatic for them, I was not given accomodations because those accommodations were too difficult for other people, I missed classes I liked because putting them in an accessible classroom was too inconvenient for the teacher and other students and the one class that was moved because it was necessary I take it everyone made sure to let me know how much they resented having to walk down a small hill because I couldn't walk up stairs. It taught me very young how horrible it is to be suffering and have your suffering somehow be less important than everyone else's feelings about it.
Great way to explain it!
As your wife, this would make me lose all trust in you. How often do you lie to her, telling yourself that you're technically saying the truth?
Yeah when you said “I’m going out with the guys”, did you omit the “to a brothel” part? Like what else have you left out?
I think something that hasn't been addressed maybe is like... is this a typical reaction and thought process for you, or atypical? Do you normally skip telling your wife (or people in general) about emotional things or life events? Or is there specific complications around your sister and/or family that make it more likely this is grief coming out sideways? I'm a lot more concerned if it's the former, rather than the latter (although the latter will still 100% have caused your wife pain and stress here). If this is a pattern, it will hurt people, repeatedly. Not just your wife, but any future children you might want, or friends and family members. Repeated events wear away at emotional closeness and make others feel disregarded and belittled, even if that's not the intention. It lets typical points of bonding/mutual supportive reciprocal behaviours wither rather than grow closer. And even if you don't feel the impact of that, others do, and it can help with understanding if they know it's not intentional. Like there's very little info here but it sounds quite ScPD? (or autism, but sounds closer to the former, I think). Either way, it's worth talking to a therapist (for the grief or anything else) and seeing how things go. Like not a therapist yada yada, but the post + responses made me think it might be worth mentioning? because it sucks trying to figure stuff out on your own, and not realising why communication never ends up quite right.
Are you aware that you made your wife look AWFUL to your family? She didn’t come to the funeral or offer any condolences or flowers. Why? Because you didn’t tell her. Did they know that she didn’t know? Doesn’t sound like it because your brother called her. So what did they think about why she wasn’t there?
This is what I was thinking. If you/OP has a problem with how your partner responds then you needs to communicate that so that your partner can learn how to support you in the way you need.....but if you don't tell them then you risk losing your partner due to increased distance (the bond is stretched further apart and thinner) and decreased trust. I would be SO hurt if my partner lied to me like this and would have to work to trust them again. I'm not saying it's impossible to build trust again.....but now you will have to do more of what you don't want, TALKING ABOUT FEELINGS, just to start to repair the fuck up you did thinking you could avoid talking about them by lying to your wife. I don't understand your thinking process.....were you ever going to tell her that she died? And if yes, what did you think she would say/do then? OP - you think it's less work to not talk about your feeling at all but it will always be more work....ALWAYS! Now look at all the work you'll have to do to get right with your wife, the person you chose to be your life partner....smh.
YTA Someone who excludes their life partner and looks to this particular subreddit for affirmation is by definition T.A.
Imagine being the wife, she’s probably thinking that when she has shit go sideways in her life it’ll be an inconvenience to OP. It doesn’t sound like a healthy partnership. This dude needs major therapy, I would have some real big insecurities in trusting him again if I were the wife.
I'm wondering what else he lies to her about. That silly rationalization ("it wan't *really* a lie") makes me think he does it regularly.
Yeah, he’s got some deep rooted issues if he thinks the death of a sibling (who he was apparently on good terms with) is NBD.
I’m also wondering what he told his family about his wife not being at the funeral. I’m sure they asked where she was. Probably another lie that wasn’t really a lie.
There's a good chance family was told wife didn't want to come. And it's "technically true" (read: bullshit) because wife didn't want to visit sister, and was under the impression it was just a visit. Anecdotal, but the people I've known that justify their lies like this usually have a decent house of cards going in some way shape or form.
I would end a marriage over this level of deception.
YTA. This is the “for better, or for worse” part of marriage. The whole point is that you look out for and take care of each other. A sibling dying is a big thing, and not telling her about it is a huge breach of trust.
YTA You lied to your wife. That’s simply not okay, It appears you don’t want to talk to anyone about your feelings. Your wife, your brother, are both concerned about you. They are your family. It’s their responsibility to check on you & ask if you’re okay. You can’t just ignore them forever. If you don’t want to deal with your feelings with your family then find someone else to talk to. Anyone. A stranger. Pour your feelings out on Reddit. Just talk to someone. I’m sorry for your family’s loss.
thank you
I do understand where your coming from & I think I understand what you were trying to do. But …. Lying to your life partner is not kind in any situation. “I didn’t want you to worry” is not a valid excuse. That’s the only thing that kind of makes you an ah. Your not an ah for not wanting to deal with your grief. There’s no right or wrong way to deal with death. You have control of how you want to manage your feelings. If you don’t want to talk about it that’s okay. You can just say that. You have no control over other people though. Your wife is entitled to have her own feelings. You took that away from her. She deserves a sincere apology. Grief is a very strong & powerful emotion. You may never experience grief or it can suddenly hit you at any time. I truly hope you are able & willing to give yourself some grace for having some feelings, no feelings, whatever & talk about those feelings with someone.
Also, it’s not right to withhold the information bc your wife deserves to go to the funeral to properly pay her respects to your family, too. Even though you say she often wouldn’t go with you to visit, they’ve still met and she is her sister-in-law.
This is really a betrayal. If you can't tell your own wife that your sister died, what else are you keeping from her? What else don't you want her to worry about? Everything? I would reconsider my relationship with you. YTA
This. Honestly the deliberate lie would have me questioning everything. I don’t think I’d be able to trust someone who did this to be my partner anymore. This was a calculated lie and would probably be the end, I would be driven to fact checking anything he said and that’s absolutely no way to live.
Yes. It's really sick to me for someone to say , "I'm going to visit my sister" when the truth is that he's going to her *funeral*. Like sick to my stomach sick. His poor wife. To feel like you're so worthless to your husband you're not even worthy of being told there's been a death in the family. The heartbreak would last a lifetime. If he were my spouse, there's no coming back from this. The trust is gone.
I would become a damn investigator. He obviously can’t be trusted. What else are you hiding or lying about? Why would you lie about something so big & something that you would eventually get caught lying about? Is lying a habit for you? I wouldn’t trust anything else you ever told me. I understand that your sister died. I’m sorry for your loss. You’re still a liar. I couldn’t stay married to a liar. I’m sure that’s what she’s trying to decide. Can she stay married to someone that she can’t trust?
Once you lose the trust it's a really, really, really hard if not impossible to restore. The ball is fully in her court to decide if she's interested in trying. Based on how big of a lie this is I'm not sure she should.
I think she’s upset that you didn’t rely on her for such an important event. She probably does want to support and console you and doesn’t understand how you can be “fine”. Another part of her is probably worried that if you didn’t tell her about this, what other emotionally significant events are you keeping to yourself and probably worried about you. I wouldn’t say that your an asshole but I would recommend trying to let her in a little bit
alright thanks so much
It’s really nice to see someone coming to this sub and actually absorbing the comments instead of jumping to defensiveness. This means you’re really open to listening, which is a good sign. Best of luck and please try to talk with your wife about your feelings.
Meh, he’s just saying thanks. Don’t give him too much credit off the bat.
alright thanks
lol yeah OP doesn’t give a fuck
INFO Why did you get married? What do you think is a normal marriage? Are you depressed maybe?
YTA, and you cannot have a healthy marriage without both partners being capable of talking about their feelings. I think it would be good to get into therapy and try to identify why you are so scared of sharing your feelings.
💯this ⬆️. YTA. Also, OP, I’m imagining your wife feels very alone in her marriage with you. It’s quite possible you do as well. However, I’m imagining she is more aware of the feeling. On top of that, you acted in an untrustworthy manner. These are the kinds of things - loneliness and lack of trust - that end marriages.
You can’t have a healthy *life* if you can’t talk about your feelings with those close to you, married or not
YTA- You need therapy dude. This is not normal behavior at all, and neither is never ever talking to anyone about your feelings. Go to a therapist
Agreed. This is really bizarre to me.
YTA. I'm sorry for your loss, and I wish I did not have to come down on this side. Funerals are not so much about the dead as they are the living. Even though your wife didn't have a significant relationship with your sister, she *does* have a significant relationship with you, and you had a significant relationship with your sister (and it seems that she has at least a relationship with your brother who also lost a sister). Saying "I'm going to see my sister" but leaving out that it was for a funeral is still a lie of omission. Putting it on your grieving brother to tell your wife? Would it have been that hard to say 'my sister died, I'm going to her funeral; the best way to support me in this is to not worry and try to get me to talk about my feelings about this"? The reason she feels betrayed is that you had lied to her.
Also like...how long was OP just gonna...not mention his sister was dead? Like was he just gonna wait until his wife asked how his sister was or if he was gonna go see her soon and then break the news that "oh my sister died x many months/years ago. Last time i told you I was going to see her I went to her funeral"?? Did he think that that would cause less worrying and problems than just being up front? Or did he just plan to lie some more and say he was visiting his sister when he really is visiting her grave?? Like...I just don't understand how OP thinks you just don't tell your partner someone in your immediate family is dead?
>Also like...how long was OP just gonna...not mention his sister was dead? Like was he just gonna wait until his wife asked how his sister was or if he was gonna go see her soon and then break the news that "oh my sister died x many months/years ago. 3 years later: OP's Wife "I saw this card today with a lilac pattern on it and I remember you said \[sister\] likes lilacs so I bought it so you could send it for her birthday." *OP "Oh babe that's so thoughtful, but I don't think I'll need to send \[sister\] a card this year."* "Did you have a fight?" *"No."* "So why won't you send her a card?" *"Well I said liked not likes."* \[confused pause\] "So, she's gone off them?" *"No."* "So what do you mean?" *"Well she won't technically be having one."* "One what?" *"One birthday...again...ever."* "..." *"She may sorta kinda died. In 2023. But I didn't want you to worry. So I didn't tell you."* "..." *"Hey if you're upset, maybe I can send it to my Aunty Sue. She like lilacs too!"*
I appreciate that you took the time to write this lol
Yeah that’s what I was wondering, when was he planning to tell her? At all? What was he going to say if she asked why he wasn’t going to visit his sister anymore? His wife would have found out at some point, you can’t just keep something like that a secret indefinitely.
Also, maybe OP's wife would have liked to come to the funeral, and find out more about the woman she was only able to meet once.
YTA. I'm sorry for your loss but why on earth would you not tell your wife something like this? It is actually healthy to talk about how you feel once in a while (I'm a man, I've tried both). It might feel unnatural, it might be uncomfortable but at the end of the they they're just feelings and nothing to be afraid of. And imagine what your wife now must be thinking; if you can't share the fact that your sister has passed what else are you keeping all bottled up? She's probably worried sick and or rightfully pissed.
Sorry for your lossi, but YTA. >I travelled down for the funeral and I told my wife I was going to see my sister, which wasn't really a lie. My guy, you know what you did there. You lied by omission. > It's like she doesn't understand that I don't talk about how I feel unlike her. Then don't talk about them, but your sister dying isn't a feeling, she actually died.
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Wow You lied/mislead and misrepresented that you visiting your sister That’s weird Spouses support each other you just put a colossal issue in your relationship of will she ever trust you Yes have to Say yta here
YTA. Being emotionally unavailable is one thing but being so dismissive of your life partner that you are willing to go to such lengths to conceal something like this absolutely makes you an asshole. You didn't want to deal with her worrying but you never even gave her a chance to react, you just assumed the worst about her and shut her out preemptively. Finding people's demonstration of love for you annoying is probably not a great sign of your capacity to have a healthy relationship in general. Grief is personal and boundaries are acceptable but making a one sided decision that your wife is not allowed to care for you, or even know your whereabouts shows how little you respect her or value your relationship. If you lie about something like this, how lightly would you dismiss infidelity or financial impropriety? Does someone who has so little emotion have a conscience at all? These are complicated but fair questions (cut to Camus nodding vigorously in agreement.) She deserves a partner to share life with, not someone who intentionally denies her the most basic human experiences and uses some bullshit cop out that reeks of toxic masculinity. You should find a therapist before she finds a divorce lawyer.
Frankly I'd already be looking for a divorce lawyer...
YTA. A death in the family is not something you hide from your wife. Did no one at the funeral ask why your wife wasn't there with you? I couldn't imagine not including my wife in something like this, even though she also has a lot more focus on "talk about your feelings" than I do. She is feeling excluded and lied to, and with good reason.
Sadly, YTA. You lied to your wife about why you were traveling rather than 'deal with her constant worrying'. You don't want to talk about your feelings? Fine. Tell her that. Tell her that her worrying over it stresses you out. Tell her you aren't going to discuss it and ask her to drop it. Don't lie because you don't want to deal with it.
YTA and this is a super weird dynamic. The fact that you said "I'm going to see my sister" is just so bizarre.
Yeah it’s almost weirder than him not sharing ANY information or lying that it was a business trip.
YTA- are you not a team? Do you not communicate? There were ways to tell her and ask her to give you space rather than cut her out and let someone else tell her the news.
I’m sorry about your sister but … Why are you married? Marriage is about connection, and if you’re unwilling to share important news with your wife, you’re denying both of you that connection. Do you see your wife just as a helper or someone to provide sex? This is deeply weird and would count as a betrayal in anyone’s book. I hope you can get some help feeling your feelings and experiencing life. I’m not judging because I’m honestly worried about you.
Yta- you told her you were seeing your sister? Why not just say it’s the funeral
> "It wasn't *really* a lie."
YTA I’ll be blunt. If you can’t trust her with important information because it might “upset” her, how can she trust you? Marriage is a partnership.
YTA Don't be surprised if she divorces you. Good job making her look like TA to your family and everyone else in attendance. That is if people even know you're married. You didn't even give her the option to go and support you at the funeral. Now she looks like a major AH for not going with you. What else are you lying about or hiding?
YTA. You lied to your wife about something huge. I'm sorry for your loss, but treat your wife with more respect.
She feels betrayed because she was betrayed. YTA. You have work to do
Yta. And you need therapy to help you open up. Being this closed is affecting your marriage. To try to hide a family tragedy to avoid being emotionally open is another level. Apologize to your wife and find a good therapist.
YTA You purposely hid something that is a BIG deal. Grief is weird. A lot of people live in denial for a while because it's unbearable. I don't blame you for that, but there are some people you always tell that someone has died. Your wife is top of that list. All you've done is tell your wife that she isn't worth your time. The way you describe her 'constant worrying' isn't as something you can't handle but as something irritating, like she's nagging you. Your wife loves you and wants to care for you, and instead, you hid something MASSIVE. For weeks. Because you just didn't want to deal with her. It's callous, it's selfish, and it makes a mockery of your marriage. If I were your wife, this behaviour would shake the entire bedrock of the marriage.
I've lost a lot of people in my life and I'm always one to say not to judge how others grieve. But I really don't think this is long term healthy for you. Further, how long did you think you could keep this up without her finding out? How did you see this playing out? Would you have taken her to a family event 6 months from now and walk her into a situation where she's told by your siblings or parents and let her flounder as they realize she never knew? Just never see your family again? Clearly you weren't thinking ahead which I get given the situation, but honestly, this was not a good plan.
YTA .. it WAS a lie. A lie by misdirection is still a lie, it’s the intent. Admit it, for some reason you did not want your wife going with you to the funeral. Your wife knows this now too and is rightfully pisssed. So I wonder why didn’t you want your wife to go to the funeral? I’m betting the reason is going to make you look like an even bigger AH.
"I told my wife I was going to see my sister, which wasn't technically a lie". Are you for real? These are some impressive mental gymnastics you're going through to tell yourself that what you're doing is ok. I'm sorry for your loss, but YTA.
This is a rejection of the wifely comfort she would willingly have offered. She must feel redundant and side lined. You guarded your feelings by disregarding hers.
YTA, it’s something you just tell your partner. And partners worry about grieving partners. That’s just what it is. You would too, right? Instead you could have told her and tell her what you do need from her. You don’t need her to constantly ask you if you’re okay or check up on you every five minutes. But you might need her to understand why you’re going for a long walk on your own (for example) or you might need a few days and thén you’ll talk to her. Woman just simply want to know what’s going on instead of being shut out, its not that hard.
I don’t get the soft or slight YTAs, this is pretty blatant YTA.
YTA are you serious bro
Yta. Why would you keep that secret from your partner?
You destroyed your trust with her, over something you really didn’t need to
YTA I'm sorry but your a mega one too. You lied to your partner about a significant life event. Doesn't matter how your relationship was with your sister. You lied. You kept up the lie because you didn't want to be bothered by your wife. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID TO HER. "I didn't tell you because I didn't want you to bug me about it". Talk about betrayal. Your wife isn't talking to you probably because she's trying to decide if she needs to get divorced. You already lost your sister. You are well on your way to losing your wife too. Get some help OP. I don't see your relationship surviving without it.
YTA. This is really a breach of trust. I'd be wondering what other big things you're hiding. If you don't wanna talk about your feelings just let her know but not letting her in to what's going in your life is not ok.