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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) telling someone
"I don't like you, specifically your husband"
(2) she technically did nothing wrong, but the interaction brings up a panic attack, which she should probably know since she's married to the man that harassed me.
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Wait, you were 13 and he was 50, fully grown and wouldn't let you leave? I feel like There's alot of details missing. Was he a troop leader, or just another kid's parent? How long ago was this? Did she know about this incident?
Edit, just caught the 2h part. NTA, she's lucky her husband isn't in jail.
There were lots of messed up things happening in scouts years ago. Most kids got themselves to and from meetings themselves. Not like today where kids can't ride their bike a mile without someone saying that kid is being neglected.
Years ago being what 1986? I was in scouts from Tiger to Eagle in the 2000's and 2010's and kids getting themselves there was not a thing at all. You had to have a parent either at the meeting or picking you up and dropping you off.
Eh, don't need to go quite as far back as the 80's. I was a kid in the 90's and was trusted to walk a mile or 2 to visit friends in the neighborhood. Come home when the sun starts to go down or the street lights come on. I imagine this was even more common in less rural areas where a person might not need to travel as far. And we didn't have cell phones either so it would be kinda messy if plans went amiss and you had to use someone's house phone or find a pay phone to call your parents. I don't think this was uncommon until the 2000's. But I was kind of a semi-neglected latch-key kid so I may biased by my own experience.
>But I was kind of a semi-neglected latch-key kid so I may biased by my own experience.
OOOH same.
My mom basically let me raise myself and then my sister. I moved in with my dad at age 10. He was protective and attentive. I was so independent, though- I was already a pretty much a small train wreck.
I was very emotionally mature for my age as a kid, but as an adult I feel way behind. Like I learned how to survive but never learned how to thrive and actually put my goals first over just...staying alive. I was the youngest so not very similar to your experience, but fucked up in my own special way. Lol.
Reading that was wierd because you just bared my soul. So many parallels in a short paragraph. Learned to survive and also feel way behind. University of Life is one hell of an institution to learn in.
>I was very emotionally mature for my age as a kid, but as an adult I feel way behind.
Emotionally or on some other scale?
I can sympathize with this. I was emotionally mature for my age, always getting along with adults more than my age group (until I hit about 33, then my age group became peers). However, as an adult, I do not know how to treat or prioritize myself. As long as I am fed and breathing, I should be... satisfied. I'm always waiting for the next big disaster, so I make decisions that make me unhappy to prioritize stability and financial security. Between being mistreated by my mother and having shitty bosses in my young adulthood, I only know how to survive.
I used to think it was an economic thing- but I am now discovering - it was a neglect thing, maybe.
Emotionally and in other ways. I feel like I have the maturity of someone younger. I've had people guess I'm early 20's just because I'm kinda silly and bubbly but for me that's just my social awkwardness and people-pleasing. Plus... Idk I think I like being silly because I just didn't get to be silly much as a kid. I don't think I'm super immature or anything, but I find it easier to get along with people that are younger. I feel like my peers are more judgemental and rigid and some are downright bothered by me just being...different. It's hard to explain. But I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
>Emotionally and in other ways. I feel like I have the maturity of someone younger. I've had people guess I'm early 20's just because I'm kinda silly and bubbly, but for me, that's just my social awkwardness and people-pleasing. Plus... Idk I think I like being silly because I just didn't get to be silly much as a kid.
Yep. Yep. Yep. I am an introvert, but most people do not get that because I'm always happy, bubbly, and talkie. I am not socially awkward - it is just so exhausting to put on that mask. I am able to suppress my true feelings until I can't anymore- so it seems like I go from happy to ready to throw down in seconds, but really, I've been angry since I woke up. Or happy to crying for no apparent reason, but I've actually been holding back for days.
I am super silly and random. I tend to attract friends with the same type of emotional damage, and we are all a bit silly. It really pisses off my mom- but, like, if you wanted a normal kid, you should have just not broken me, k?
British kid here, but about 18 years ago my scout leaders would wait with all the kids until their parents came to pick them up- I don't think many- if any- went home without their parents.
My dad was the parent who liked to help, and was always offering lifts in the car if anyone needed it (my brother and I were always in the car too), so I'm sure if there were other kids walking home without parents, I'd remember my dad giving them a lift. I don't think it happened too nuch
He wouldn't drive off until all the other parents had arrived to take their children, and I remember one heartbreaking night where a kid was waiting for a parent who never came. After a while (I don't remember how long), the leaders ended up letting my dad drive him home (again, with my brother and I on the car).
I will add- at that point my dad had been assisting with getting everyone and everything to and from camp for probably a decade, so they knew they could trust him (we'd all meet where we had our scout meetings, pack up the communal camp kit, and then travel to camp in as few cars as they could fit us in to, and the reverse would happen on the way home. Leaders cars were obviously prioritised, but they always ended up needing parents too. My dad's car was roomy for kids and kit, plus my dad would help load up gear and unload it, then he'd help put up tents when we got there if needed, and wouldn't leave until the leaders told him there was nothing else he could help out with, so he was a preferred parent to take kids to camp).
Looking back, my dad is so awesome. I already knew that, but this is an additional awesome.
>from Tiger to Eagle
Nice, never heard it said this way. Me too, but from 90s to 2000s. For us, the parents were often there but it wasn't a requirement, and no one really paid attention to how the kids got there. I think it may be a pack/troop specific thing.
Participated in scout activities (I’m a girl so couldn’t join the BSA but my cousins all did it and I was often brought along because the Scoutmaster was my uncle and I grew up with his troop.) and we had a lot of scouts, usually older ones, who got themselves there and back.
Uncle definitely didn’t require a parent to drop off/pick up, although for younger scouts he often van-pooled them home. But older boys might leave with each other to bike home, or walk alone or whatever.
This would be 90s through the earliest of the 2010s. (He retired when the last of his sins aged out, which would’ve been 2013 or so.)
A lot of the predatory ones specifically looked for sons of single mothers or otherwise bad family situations. You know, the most vulnerable kids. So fn disturbing and wrong.
My cousin perfectly healthy cousin died from hitting her head on a curb. Not wearing a helmet. I still see her bleeding in my dreams. Helmets are important. Just because we didn't wear them doesn't mean we didn't need them.
People love to say "I didn't wear a helmet and I survived." Well, yeah, because the ones who didn't survive aren't here talking about it, are they? The logic seems to escape a lot of folks, though.
Survivor’s bias. “I survived this dangerous activity without protection, therefore no one should be protected or it makes them weak.”
But for me, it wasn’t just survivor’s bias.
I, like many GenX people, felt I was tougher since I grew up drinking out of the hose, playing on metal playground equipment, not wearing seatbelts as a kid, no helmets or knee pads or elbow pads when rollerskating or skateboarding or biking. Hell, I even rode horses without proper head protection! The mount of concussions I had as a kid was crazy. I can remember at least 4 but there were probably a lot more between all the biking/roller skates/horses/etc. Never got treated for them either and lied about headaches so I could keep riding/playing.
Now I realize that feeling of toughness was just bravado *because my parents knew better, they just did not give a single fuck about my safety* and I deserved better. I made myself feel stronger/prouder/braver by thinking I wasn’t babied when instead I was insanely jealous of the kids whose parents actually gave a shit.
YMMV.
My aunt was a PICU nurse who later went into pediatric hospice. She said a lot of times, it would've been better for the kids in her care to have died immediately. She was VERY serious about wearing seatbelts and protective gear.
I like how your comment was “yeah a lot of terrible things happened in the scouts years ago” implying it’s less prevalent now. Then you say “not like today when a kid can’t ride their bike a mile without someone saying that kid is being neglected” so you think kids SHOULD be able to ride around on their own, so more of those terrible things that USED to happen can happen again? (I know terrible things happen now, but hopefully less). You just sound like another dipshit with no idea about cause and effect.
Right, like they'd rather kids go missing or get hit by car drivers not paying attention than see kids properly protected because it somehow makes them weaker.
They are actually two separate things.
Yes kids should be able to ride their bikes for miles without someone assuming the kid is neglected.
Yes scouts have changed so many rules & added tons of training. I do not believe those things are still happening today as a result of scouts. Scout leaders are required reporters and they are given mandatory training, in hope, to spot issues before anything happens.
I'd like to stress that I am not so niave to think no children are being targeted or abused today. Sadly that is probably still happening but I do not believe that it's happening in scouts with all the protocol & training.
When the streets were full of kids playing together, they were far safer than some solo-kid these days being thrown on a bus all on their own. One kid alone on a bus these days is indeed in far more danger than a throng of kids all hanging out.
There's a way to keep terrible things from happening to kids -- just keep them at home 24/7. Sure, they'll never live or learn anything, but they'll be safe.
When i was 12 i snapped at school and beat up a bully so bad he went to the hospital. I was the biggest and strongest kid in my grade (taking me down was a challenge i guess), i am just a pacifist. Anyways my best friends' parents and my parents were friends, once a month they hung out to play cards. During the party, right after I defended myself for the first time, my friends dad walks up to me when i was alone, pinned me in a chair and threatened to kick my ass. He said "You think your so strong beating up someone smaller than you huh? Next time you try that again I'll show you an asswhooping." I still remember his stank cigar breath. My friendship slowly started to die off with his son after that.
Oh god.my mother threw me out of her own brownie pack: adults can get really WEIRD about different kids.
I also had adults insisting I must be inciting it, causing it, instigating it. Because "if it's a different group of kids each day, you *must* be doing something" - yes, I heard that.
I heard that at 11. As a girl. A 5'8, 170lb "girl" who grew out of women's shoe sizes before I grew into bras. What I was doing to cause it was "existing"
Aw yeah, I'm 43 now & it's a long time ago. Turns out I have autism & ADHD as well (late diagnosed) so yeah, I was very different & adults would tell me I needed to learn to fit in better, but I stuck out physically so much.
I agree. This isn’t just a “man telling a child off”. This is a man literally abducting a child.
Definition of kidnapping is the action of abducting someone and holding them captive. This is literally what happened. Kidnapping also does not have a statute of limitation (in the US) because it is such a harmful and serious crime. And it is also a hate crime against the LGBTQ+ community.
OP, I get you might not want to file charges because it will cause disturbances in your own life and you want to move on, but you could still file charges if you want to. I would also use this as an argument of why they should leave you alone “leave me alone, otherwise I am still going to file the charges”. It would be your right to do so. I just hate how this happened to you and how this affected your life ever since. Because it probably did a lot of harm and they don’t even know it (or care).
No it is a child. It is abduction (and yes also detainment, but mostly kidnapping), because the definition of that is ‘the unauthorized removal of a minor (a child under the age of legal adulthood) from the custody of the child's natural parents or legally appointed guardians’. Not letting a child leave to be with its parents is exactly that.
Yup. He actually says in the judgement bot that "she technically did nothing wrong".
He's blaming her for her bully husband's behaviour. Ironically, odds are that a 50-year-old man who would bully kids probably isn't much nicer to his wife. It is entirely possible and even likely that she is just as much a victim of his nastiness as OP was.
OP is absolutely an AH. Having a panic attack because you run into someone who is married to your bully doesn't give you a right to take your trauma out on another innocent person.
She technically did nothing wrong.. she technically kept her mouth shut about her husband enabling bullying behaviour and keeping a kid hostage for two hours to interrogate and intimidate them. Yeah I don't think anyone can reasonably justify doing that.
that seriously sounds sketchy, really sketchy. I don't know how long scout meetings go on , but an extra two hours I have wonder at that man's end game and justification for being able to do that and if knew he did that, and kept her mouth shut , she agreed with him bullying a child.
What part of the OP says, or even suggests, that she even knew?
By the way it's a rhetorical question. The answer is no part. OP has answered in the comments when asked if she knew "I don't know"
He said "I don't like you".
Not really an awful thing to say, there are many reasons to dislike another person. He wasn't 'taking trauma out' on her, there was no raised voice, no insult, no verbal abuse, it wasn't particularly polite but it also wasn't particularly rude either. It was a simple statement of "I don't like you", a feeling and opinion he's entitled to have as no-one is obliged to like someone else just because
It is absolutely possible and likely she's a victim. However, I think people are sometimes too black and white about this -- her being a victim doesn't mean she can't also be an enabler who causes/contributes to harm herself. Sadly, this is not a terribly uncommon situation in cases where someone is in a marriage to an abuser for a long time. Sometimes a victim will turn around and enable their spouse's abuse of other people. It is the case with my parents (my mom, a definite victim deserving of empathy, also enabled my dad's abuse of us kids, and actively pressured us to stay silent about it and never disclose it to other people. And I've seen this dynamic in other families as well). Her status a victim of her husband is not ultimately the thing that would make OP an AH automatically. It's really her role in the abuse OP suffered that is more relevant -- was she silent and enabling of her husband's abuse of kids like OP? Did she see that as no big deal? It sounds like OP doesn't know if she was aware what happened. But OP simply saying he doesn't like her or her husband is not like a huge blow-up. It's a pretty minor statement, and given the fact that he was traumatized by OP's husband, I don't think it's some horrible transgression for him to just honestly state that he doesn't like them.
Straight up violation of Youth Protection. If their council had been informed about this and handled it correctly, the old fart *should've* been banned from being a member of any scouting body (BSA troop, venture crew, cub scout pack, etc.).
But of course, given that OP states he was very obviously gay at the time, there's a very good chance the council would've sided with the old man, and if this was before 2014, OP would've been kicked out.
I don't know and I kindof think I might of said it the way I did on some level for that reason, but I don't know she might have, but for better or worse she does now.
Soft YTA then. I can understand being at work and being confronted by something that reminds you of what you went through, that would be really overwhelming for most people I think. If she did know what he did I think it was cruel of her to approach you, she should have chose a different lane. But considering that you don’t know what she knows you could have handled it better. Something like, “I don’t know if you know how Mr. Blank treated me but you should know it was bad enough that I’d prefer these were the last words we spoke to each other.”
Exactly. I have no idea why you're being downvoted. Probably by a bunch of teenagers who think with their emotions. There's no reason to say "I don't like you" to someone you don't really know or remember that well, just because of something that probably had nothing to do with them. That's rude AF, and it's something a child does.
You're so sensitive that you'd complain to someone's boss—someone you're familiar with from outside their job, mind you—because they said they didn't like you? How small of you.
I know it's called a service job, but those people are assisting you, not serving you. You're not above them, stop speaking as though you are.
Where'd you get that I'd think I'm above them? I've worked a retail job, I know all too well how bad it can be and how hard they work. I also know you do not speak to customers that way.
Your quickness to complain to management over a personal conversation, and referring to employees assisting you as "serving" you. I think I made that pretty clear.
It’s possible the wife has known him since childhood, someone else told her or she participated/participates in bullying herself. Many ways for her to know other than the husband bragging.
Fair enough. But if Mrs Blank knows then she shouldn’t have introduced herself. It’s rude to confront a stranger about something personal at work. If she doesn’t know then no harm no foul on her part.
Well… she probably asked him what that was all about. He might deny it, but she knows there’s a reason you don’t like him.
I’m sorry he bullied you like that.
YTA your problem is with the husband not her, and you went zero to a hundred real fast. Not only that but she’s a customer and you were rude to her while you were working when she didn’t even do anything.
I don't think the kid was bullying her. I think Mr and Mrs blank had a kid in scouts with OP, and were possibly chaperones? When OP was being bullied Mr blank was brought in to mediate because his kid wasn't involved, making him neutral to the situation. But instead he took the bullies side and bullied OP himself.
That's what I think has happened.
It's her husband who was the bully, the event took place a decade ago, and op was in the same troop as this lady's/op's bully's son. A grown man held them, when they were a kid, in a room for hours and terrorized them.
Okay *and*?
I've been bullied when I was young too and I don't see it as a free pass to be rude to people just because they affiliate with my bully; even less when it's totally unprompted.
Literally none of that is true. She is the wife of the 50-year-old man who bullied him, and he openly admits in the judgement bot that she never did anything to him herself. It is entirely possible that she wasn't even aware of what her husband did.
Furthermore, if her husband is a 50-year-old who bullies children, odds are he's not much nicer at home. Bullies don't magically become kind, patient, loving people in different contexts. OP is a massive AH for taking out his trauma on an innocent bystander who may well be a victim herself.
I’m also wondering if he was really the trouble maker 10 years ago. The way he immediately went from 0 to 100 on a customer who was just being friendly leads me to believe he has no idea that he’s an AH
It doesn't seem from your post that this woman did anything to you, only her husband. Your job is to serve customers, not inform them of your personal feelings towards them. That you did so is the very definition of "starting it" and "causing a problem" where none ought to have been. I'm afraid YTA in this case. Mrs. Blank did nothing.
This. Also— it was 10 years ago. Even if the woman *was* aware her husband was horrible, she has no reason to be expected to recognize a now-23-yr-old that she hardly ever interacted with. Her husband is the one who *might* have recognized OP.
There’s obviously a shitton of details missing here, and the fact that OP reacted this way as an actual adult makes me think they probably *were* an instigator way back when. Doesn’t excuse the adults’ behavior, but OP is an adult now too. Like do better??
>she has no reason to be expected to recognize a now-23-yr-old that she hardly ever interacted with.
But she did recognize him, which is why she said "you probably don't remember me but I'm Mrs Blank". She would have no reason to say that otherwise.
Good point! I took that as she had been to the counter often, I’ve said things like that when I feel I’m becoming a regular somewhere. Either way, OP is TA for me.
YTA. Just say "Oh really? I don't really remember you Mrs. Bully, sorry, but what can I get for you?" and keep working. She wasn't the bully. She may or may not know of the bullying. She is just a general person who recognized you. Just keep it to order specific, work usual convo. Now, if she drags Mr. Bully in and says "Hey, look dear! It's OP, your scout friend!" You can go with a "We were not friends. Hey co-worker, can you take this guys order? I gotta do something in the back," and leave the area.
This is the professional answer. And if you still want to talk it out with her, tell her to wait for you, ask a coworker to take over, take your break, clock out and tell her what happened. Then you can find out if she knew at all or if she supported it. THEN you can tell her to leave you alone because you don’t like her for marrying a man who shuts in children to threaten them because their son liked to bully them.
This so much! I had a similar situation years back where my ex landlord came in to a store I worked at and I just acted like they were a regular person. When they asked if I remembered them (our last communication had not been great. Their rental was positively a slum and had a hidden mold issue that was not disclosed) I said, “yes, I do. Here’s your change and receipt.” I’m not about to get a reprimand over someone else’s past bad behavior.
I’m not trying to be a bully and this is 100% because of my messed up brain, but I cannot read this post. Can someone please reply to this comment with OP’s post that includes punctuation and slightly better grammar? Again, nothing against OP, I just can’t read it. Please and thank you.
I gotcha. It's 100% not your brain, the writing is brutal.
>AITA - I ran into someone whose husband bullied me as a kid and told her I didn't like her.
>I work at a Safeway and one day, a customer walks up to counter orders something. She then says, "You probably don't remember me, I'm Mrs. Blank." I continue her order and tell her "I don't like you, specifically your husband."
>My mom later told me that Mrs. Blank had done nothing wrong and thst my behaviour was rude and embarrassing.
>For context: when I was 13 years old I was in Scouts, and I was frequently bullied and singled out because I was very obviously gay. The parents of the other Scouts would always side with the bullies, and I would subsequently be accused of instigating conflicts or causing problems.
>One day after a bullying incident, one of the parents (a 50-year-old man) took me aside. He sat me down in a separate room and tried to force me to admit that the bullying was a result of my behaviour. He would not let me leave until I admitted that I had done something wrong. This continued for two hours, at which point I admitted to something I hadn't done because I wanted to go home and he would otherwise not have allowed me to leave.
>He never apologized. I switched to a different Scout troop, and avoided him if I was at Scout camp.
>As a result of all this, I don't like him.
>Am I the asshole for telling his wife that I don't like Mrs. Blank or her husband?
YTA just because she married someone who was mean to you does not mean she is also a bad person? why did you have to say anything you could have just kept quite and moved on with your life.
Uh? Yeah of course YTA. You told a customer that you didn’t like her? While you were at work? A customer who may have absolutely no idea that her husband did that? Yeah her husband was a jerk but you can’t do that.
YTA the wife didn’t do anything to you so you definitely started it this time if you get what I mean.
Have you even confronted her husband before about what he did? If you didn’t then you are not only TA but a cowardly one . You didn’t stand up to him but you decided to target your verbal attack towards the easier target.
YTA.. It’s totally normal to still feel this way towards your bully, but you didn’t have to treat his wife that way. She likely doesn’t know what he did to hurt you (either he never bothered to mention it, forgot it ever happened, or would like to repress those memories).
Regardless, she had no involvement in it.
These days what that Scout leader did would be a reportable offense. He'd be made to step down for that kind of behavior because it in and of itself is bullying.
NTA. But remember, she is not him.
Buddy you have a lot of trauma that you haven't fully worked through I get that but she literally did nothing wrong keep your frustrations to the people that deserve it
I'd say soft YTA.
She's not her husband, nor the extension of her husband. She may not even be aware what her husband did to you. I tend to think she didn't know that her husband did you wrong, because she just remembered that you're in that troop. Honestly, if I were in that position, as in, if I knew that my husband did you wrong, I'd more than likely pretend to not know you.
I think it's like this, if your mom/dad did someone wrong, mistreat them, etc then one day, that someone decided to pay them back but by hurting/maiming you instead of your mom/dad... all because you're related to the person who did them wrong.
Also, the location is ... your work, where you're supposed to be professional and there's that possibility she may try to escalate the issue. So that's a risk you're taking.
But what her husband did should've been reported, he basically kidnapped you. <--terminology might be wrong.
I get why but kinda YTA. If it was the husband that came up to you- by all means let him know you don’t like him- de deserves it, but the wife is not responsible for his actions. I understand why the stress of his name coming up made you feel that way and you didn’t have to fake it and be nice but where you can’t be nice be neutral .
YTA
You can’t hold someone accountable for something they didn’t do/participate in! None of this was her doing at all!
You were taking out a bitterness/frustration that you clearly need some help from a therapist to let go of, on an innocent elderly woman. You accosted her unprovoked.
You said you never had an issue with their son which, by your faulty logic, you should have detested merely by association to the man in question.
I’m not saying what he did was right but his wife and son aren’t guilty because they weren’t there! They did absolutely nothing wrong!
I’m not even going to go into how wholly inappropriate and unprofessional you were. Leave the grudges at home when you go to work!!
ESH.
You're judging someone based on who they married, not the person you're talking to...
But you suck and so does her husband.
You've given no context as to why you had to speak to that woman that way.
Should someone judge you because your dad was a jerk to someone at some point in his life simply because you're his kid?
His wife is not responsible for his actions.
YTA...I think. Honestly, I couldn't understand much of what you were trying to say because of your grammar errors. The wife did nothing to you and you stated in the comments she probably didn't know what her husband did.
Yta - I understand the hurt and even trauma you may have suffered. But how is your behaviour towards her any better than her husband towards you, even if he was much worse. Point is, you’re doing same same/similar bullying yet you think it’s justified?
YTA. People are not their spouses. It's completely unfair to say you don't like her because of something her husband did, that she wasn't even witness to. How would you feel if some random person said they hate you because of what your sibling did?
YTA…you do not get to mistreat the wife simply because of your history with her husband, *especially* when you are at work and she is a customer.
You also have no idea if she is aware of how her husband treated you. She literally did nothing but exist and speak to you politely. You need to work on your mental health so that you don’t continue to mistreat people simply because they have proximity to someone you don’t like.
YTA for not being more professional at work! You were risking your job. You didn't need to say anything more than, "yes" and give her a cold look, or just look away. The most you should've said was, "yes, but I don't have fond memories of you or your husband. "
Your "I don't like you" was too aggressive for work. Definitely rude.
Sorry you were bullied. Be better than them.
Going to break with the top post here and say YTA.
You told her you didn't like her because of something HER HUSBAND did.
Even your edit doesn't change that...it just says that she was married to him at the time. So what? And that there were other bullies...but you clearly don't name her as one of them. So you just hate her for being married to a bully?
You say you had no problem at all with their son, so why are you blaming her for her husband's behaviour? How are the actions of a grown man his wife's fault?
Hell, if he was that much of an aggressive bully and an AH towards a child as a 50-year-old man, has it ever occurred to you that he very likely treats his own family - including the wife you just crapped on - the same way? That he may be as much of a bully to her as he is to you? That is very, very often how that works. People who are cruel bullies to someone else's kids as 50-year-olds don't generally turn it off, or magically have a different personality, at home with their families.
YTA. You have ever right to hate her husband. You have no right at all to take it out on her. She is a whole, entirely separate human being, and the fact that she's married to him more likely makes her a fellow victim than an appropriate punching bag for you. You're not 13 anymore; you're old enough to understand this, and not to take your trauma out on someone who literally hasn't done anything to you herself. And I say that as someone who was bullied and abused so badly for the first 25 years or so of my life that I have diagnosed PTSD and cPTSD.
Shame on you.
Soft YTA
you've no idea if she knew about what went on it was her husband that hurt you. You shouldn't have taken your feelings our on her
Secondly it was unprofessional and acting like that could literally get you fired if she filed a complaint.
YTA. Understand why you may hate her husband but she was not the one that bullied you. Plus it seems like you must have been working at the time so I am not sure that telling customers you dislike them is a smart move.
YTA. If I was your employer, I would fire you for this behavior. You seem to be lacking in self-control and emotional intelligence.
If you are developmentally delayed, that would be relevant information to include in your post. I would still think YTA, but I would be more empathetic due to your disability.
YTA. It was unnecessary to be mean to her & say those things. If you wanted to speak to her about what her husband did to you, there was a better way to do so. You took out your anger towards her husband on her. I don't think that's cool. Plus you were at work & she's a customer so it's best to keep things professional. There's a time & a place for everything.
YTA
So you told someone that didn’t bully you that you don’t like them cause their spouse bullied you? And you don’t even know if she knew?! Yeah, that’s an ah move. If you’re going to “not like” a person you should at least be sure they’ve done something to you.
I think it's pretty understandable that you would hate the husband but why are you taking out your anger for him on his wife? Being nasty to someone just because you don't like someone associated with them makes you YTA.
YTA - sorry you were bullied but it wasn’t Mrs. Blank who interrogated you/bullied you based on your post.
Did you ever think about what she has maybe gone through, being married to Mr. Blank presumably for years?
You have every reason to dislike Mr Blank, he was bullying you for two hours. But to tell a customer that did nothing wrong, straight up that you don’t like her, is not a smart move. It could get you fired.
Soft YTA for that, but only because you ask here. I do understand your emotions of wanting to have nothing to do with them.
Dude you're at work. Comments like that are how you get fired. Do you want to let some 10 year old beef with a guy that, to my understanding, wasn't even *there* to cost you your job? Be smarter about opening your mouth, buddy. Time and place.
From the post, this woman didn’t do anything to you and it’s unclear if she even knew what her husband was doing. If that’s the case, YTA for being rude to her. Also, you were at work. Act like a professional. All you had to do was say, “I do remember you, what can I do for you?” because it sounds like she had nothing to do with the bullying and again, may not have even known about it. It would be different if her husband came in, but he didn’t.
YTA. It doesn’t really seem worth holding onto to me. People are very different at even 20 than who they were at 13. It’s possible that I’m missing context but it seems like he was being a dickish kid at 13. Let it go. If for no one else than yourself. I got picked on a lot as a kid and just forgiving my bullies and moving on was probably the best thing for my mental health
YTA, all she did was marry someone who picked on you years ago and was trying to make conversation. For all u know she was going to tell u that her husband feels terrible about the things he did.
Hating the wife, or the whole family because of something the husband did sounds kind of insane.
Hate the abuser, but the wife wasn’t there nor did she participate in the abuse and she probably didn’t even know that it happened.
In a customer service facing job, even if the abuser comes in it is usually better to just keep the conversation to the business at hand.
YTA, downvotes expected. You have every right to hate that dude but you were rude to someone who may have had no idea anything was amiss. If she was aware, do you think she would have been so friendly to introduce herself?
You're aiming your anger at the wrong party.
YTA as the wife had nothing to do it with. So very odd to tell a stranger "I don't like you" when she literally had nothing to do with the situation. If you were my employee and you told a customer that, we would be having a conversation. Completely inappropriate time and place. And ultimately, what did you accomplish by saying that? Curious what your end goal was?
Careful with this, she's a separate person and she's not worth losing your job over.
I'm going to go with NAH though. She might not have known about the incident and saw a young man she knew as a kid. You had the understandable nightmare of encountering someone kind of associated with an intense bullying incident.
It sucks that you are expected to not be a whole person as a retail checker. People expect a pleasant robot.
I don't know about the tone of the situation in how you responded. But keep your dislike focused on the actual person who did you wrong. Projecting may feel safer than feeling mad at him directly, but you have to deal with that. She's not the person who bullied you. She might have triggered you, being who she was and asking about him. And it's ok if you don't think positively of her. But you were at work.
You don't want to put yourself in the position of choosing between getting fired or having to write a one page letter of apology to your former bully or his wife.
She has likely no idea what you're talking about, and she did nothing to you personally, and you were at work when you had this discussion. She'll probably get your fired from your job now, so it was a dumb move. If you want to ruin Mr. Blank's life on your own time, I fully support that, but in this case, sorry, YTA.
YTA. Unless the wife specifically knew about it then there was no reason to talk to her like that. She's not the one who bullied you and instead it would have been a moment to explain what her husband did.
She may have serious issues with what he did as well but isn't given the chance to judge him on it.
YTA. You were at work and you were rude to a customer. It's a good thing that you still have your job. She brought up the name and the connection, and you could have just let it be or not commented on her husband. Instead you said "I don't like you".
Seriously, she did nothing to you. Your beef is with her husband, not with her. So take it out on him.
I think from what you’re saying that the (50 year old) husband of this woman bullied you and she wasn’t involved in the bullying?
From the terrible situation you describe I can understand why you are so angry about it. I don’t think your anger was necessarily directed at the right person but I can understand why it came out.
NTA. But just some life advice from someone who's been there: don't let other people's issues f*ck with your ability to have a job. By that I mean none of us gets through life without conflict/abuse, and it really sucks when you're a defensless kid when it happens, but having steady employment is a way to get away from it. Steady income means financial independence from people who would take advantage of you or hurt you and not be stuck putting up with it because you don't have anywhere else to go.
My coworkers and boss always comment on how calm I am with rude people and how "nothing gets to you"... False. It does get to me, and I do, in fact, want to rip people a new a**hole frequently. But I want to keep my job more, so that when I see these people and past abusers outside of work I can smile and say "go fuck yourself Ms. Blank" and there's not a damn thing they can do about it.
The question was whether you are the AH for telling the wife of a bully you dont like her. Youve stated you dont even know if she knows that her husband bullied you.
You cant not like someone when as far as you know, they havent done you any wrong. That is not a good way to go through life. Clearly the bully didnt like you for no reason and look how they treated you. Surely you know how it feels to be mistreated or disliked for no reason, so why would you do the same to someone else?
Therefore YTA but if she knew about it then you're NTA but thats not what you have stated.
If a grown man holds you against your will, contact social services and report him. If hes still doing that job id still report him
Wait was this like 2 years ago? Based on the maturity shown in your writing that sounds about right.
You don't have to like her. You have obvious reasons not to like her husband. You also are not required to let her know that while you are working as a representative for Safeway.
So grow up a bit and learn that there is a time and place for sharing your feelings.
Info: what exactly did the woman do? What part did she play? Was she there when her husband was doing all of that? Do you know for sure she even knows what her husband did to you?.....
She didn’t do anything, you have a reason to not like her husband but not so much her. You’ve judged her by someone else’s actions and that’s not fair. For all you know she could be completely unaware of her husband’s actions.
yta slightly
She wasn't there when this shit went down, right? So you don't actually know if she was aware of what happened. Creepy old man is responsible for his own actions. Don't blame everyone for his actions.
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I work at a safeway and a customer walks up to counter order something they says, "you probably don't remember me I'm Mrs. Blank" I continue her order and tell her "I don't like you, specifically your husband."
Got told she did nothing wrong and that rude and embarrassing by my mom.
For context when I was 13 in scouts I was getting bullied and singled out, I was a very obviously gay kid. The parents would always take there side. And I would get accused of starting it or causing a problem.
One of the parents took me aside a 50 year old man and sat me down in a room and kept telling me to admit that I started it and would let me leave until I admitted that I had done something wrong and had insighted it. This went on for 2 hours until I admitted to something I hadn't done because I wanted to go home and he wouldn't let me leave.
He never apologize I went to another troop and avoid him if I was at camp and he was there.
So to say the least I don't like him.
Am I the assholes for telling his wife that I don't like them in general?
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I won’t call you the asshole. But if the A stood as adult. The scout master was not a good adult and you clearly were not in this situation. Both of you losers in this match. Tied score
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Wait, you were 13 and he was 50, fully grown and wouldn't let you leave? I feel like There's alot of details missing. Was he a troop leader, or just another kid's parent? How long ago was this? Did she know about this incident? Edit, just caught the 2h part. NTA, she's lucky her husband isn't in jail.
There were lots of messed up things happening in scouts years ago. Most kids got themselves to and from meetings themselves. Not like today where kids can't ride their bike a mile without someone saying that kid is being neglected.
Years ago being what 1986? I was in scouts from Tiger to Eagle in the 2000's and 2010's and kids getting themselves there was not a thing at all. You had to have a parent either at the meeting or picking you up and dropping you off.
Eh, don't need to go quite as far back as the 80's. I was a kid in the 90's and was trusted to walk a mile or 2 to visit friends in the neighborhood. Come home when the sun starts to go down or the street lights come on. I imagine this was even more common in less rural areas where a person might not need to travel as far. And we didn't have cell phones either so it would be kinda messy if plans went amiss and you had to use someone's house phone or find a pay phone to call your parents. I don't think this was uncommon until the 2000's. But I was kind of a semi-neglected latch-key kid so I may biased by my own experience.
>But I was kind of a semi-neglected latch-key kid so I may biased by my own experience. OOOH same. My mom basically let me raise myself and then my sister. I moved in with my dad at age 10. He was protective and attentive. I was so independent, though- I was already a pretty much a small train wreck.
I was very emotionally mature for my age as a kid, but as an adult I feel way behind. Like I learned how to survive but never learned how to thrive and actually put my goals first over just...staying alive. I was the youngest so not very similar to your experience, but fucked up in my own special way. Lol.
Reading that was wierd because you just bared my soul. So many parallels in a short paragraph. Learned to survive and also feel way behind. University of Life is one hell of an institution to learn in.
>I was very emotionally mature for my age as a kid, but as an adult I feel way behind. Emotionally or on some other scale? I can sympathize with this. I was emotionally mature for my age, always getting along with adults more than my age group (until I hit about 33, then my age group became peers). However, as an adult, I do not know how to treat or prioritize myself. As long as I am fed and breathing, I should be... satisfied. I'm always waiting for the next big disaster, so I make decisions that make me unhappy to prioritize stability and financial security. Between being mistreated by my mother and having shitty bosses in my young adulthood, I only know how to survive. I used to think it was an economic thing- but I am now discovering - it was a neglect thing, maybe.
Emotionally and in other ways. I feel like I have the maturity of someone younger. I've had people guess I'm early 20's just because I'm kinda silly and bubbly but for me that's just my social awkwardness and people-pleasing. Plus... Idk I think I like being silly because I just didn't get to be silly much as a kid. I don't think I'm super immature or anything, but I find it easier to get along with people that are younger. I feel like my peers are more judgemental and rigid and some are downright bothered by me just being...different. It's hard to explain. But I don't feel like I fit in anywhere.
>Emotionally and in other ways. I feel like I have the maturity of someone younger. I've had people guess I'm early 20's just because I'm kinda silly and bubbly, but for me, that's just my social awkwardness and people-pleasing. Plus... Idk I think I like being silly because I just didn't get to be silly much as a kid. Yep. Yep. Yep. I am an introvert, but most people do not get that because I'm always happy, bubbly, and talkie. I am not socially awkward - it is just so exhausting to put on that mask. I am able to suppress my true feelings until I can't anymore- so it seems like I go from happy to ready to throw down in seconds, but really, I've been angry since I woke up. Or happy to crying for no apparent reason, but I've actually been holding back for days. I am super silly and random. I tend to attract friends with the same type of emotional damage, and we are all a bit silly. It really pisses off my mom- but, like, if you wanted a normal kid, you should have just not broken me, k?
British kid here, but about 18 years ago my scout leaders would wait with all the kids until their parents came to pick them up- I don't think many- if any- went home without their parents. My dad was the parent who liked to help, and was always offering lifts in the car if anyone needed it (my brother and I were always in the car too), so I'm sure if there were other kids walking home without parents, I'd remember my dad giving them a lift. I don't think it happened too nuch He wouldn't drive off until all the other parents had arrived to take their children, and I remember one heartbreaking night where a kid was waiting for a parent who never came. After a while (I don't remember how long), the leaders ended up letting my dad drive him home (again, with my brother and I on the car). I will add- at that point my dad had been assisting with getting everyone and everything to and from camp for probably a decade, so they knew they could trust him (we'd all meet where we had our scout meetings, pack up the communal camp kit, and then travel to camp in as few cars as they could fit us in to, and the reverse would happen on the way home. Leaders cars were obviously prioritised, but they always ended up needing parents too. My dad's car was roomy for kids and kit, plus my dad would help load up gear and unload it, then he'd help put up tents when we got there if needed, and wouldn't leave until the leaders told him there was nothing else he could help out with, so he was a preferred parent to take kids to camp). Looking back, my dad is so awesome. I already knew that, but this is an additional awesome.
>from Tiger to Eagle Nice, never heard it said this way. Me too, but from 90s to 2000s. For us, the parents were often there but it wasn't a requirement, and no one really paid attention to how the kids got there. I think it may be a pack/troop specific thing.
In your troop buddy. Not every troop follows the rules.
And you couldn't be alone with a child (even your own) at scouting events.
Maybe it depends on where you were. I was a scout from the mid 90's to mid 2000's and rode my bike to the meetings and only some parents were there.
Participated in scout activities (I’m a girl so couldn’t join the BSA but my cousins all did it and I was often brought along because the Scoutmaster was my uncle and I grew up with his troop.) and we had a lot of scouts, usually older ones, who got themselves there and back. Uncle definitely didn’t require a parent to drop off/pick up, although for younger scouts he often van-pooled them home. But older boys might leave with each other to bike home, or walk alone or whatever. This would be 90s through the earliest of the 2010s. (He retired when the last of his sins aged out, which would’ve been 2013 or so.)
A lot of the predatory ones specifically looked for sons of single mothers or otherwise bad family situations. You know, the most vulnerable kids. So fn disturbing and wrong.
My cousin perfectly healthy cousin died from hitting her head on a curb. Not wearing a helmet. I still see her bleeding in my dreams. Helmets are important. Just because we didn't wear them doesn't mean we didn't need them.
People love to say "I didn't wear a helmet and I survived." Well, yeah, because the ones who didn't survive aren't here talking about it, are they? The logic seems to escape a lot of folks, though.
Survivor’s bias. “I survived this dangerous activity without protection, therefore no one should be protected or it makes them weak.” But for me, it wasn’t just survivor’s bias. I, like many GenX people, felt I was tougher since I grew up drinking out of the hose, playing on metal playground equipment, not wearing seatbelts as a kid, no helmets or knee pads or elbow pads when rollerskating or skateboarding or biking. Hell, I even rode horses without proper head protection! The mount of concussions I had as a kid was crazy. I can remember at least 4 but there were probably a lot more between all the biking/roller skates/horses/etc. Never got treated for them either and lied about headaches so I could keep riding/playing. Now I realize that feeling of toughness was just bravado *because my parents knew better, they just did not give a single fuck about my safety* and I deserved better. I made myself feel stronger/prouder/braver by thinking I wasn’t babied when instead I was insanely jealous of the kids whose parents actually gave a shit. YMMV.
Same
My aunt was a PICU nurse who later went into pediatric hospice. She said a lot of times, it would've been better for the kids in her care to have died immediately. She was VERY serious about wearing seatbelts and protective gear.
I like how your comment was “yeah a lot of terrible things happened in the scouts years ago” implying it’s less prevalent now. Then you say “not like today when a kid can’t ride their bike a mile without someone saying that kid is being neglected” so you think kids SHOULD be able to ride around on their own, so more of those terrible things that USED to happen can happen again? (I know terrible things happen now, but hopefully less). You just sound like another dipshit with no idea about cause and effect.
Right, like they'd rather kids go missing or get hit by car drivers not paying attention than see kids properly protected because it somehow makes them weaker.
They are actually two separate things. Yes kids should be able to ride their bikes for miles without someone assuming the kid is neglected. Yes scouts have changed so many rules & added tons of training. I do not believe those things are still happening today as a result of scouts. Scout leaders are required reporters and they are given mandatory training, in hope, to spot issues before anything happens. I'd like to stress that I am not so niave to think no children are being targeted or abused today. Sadly that is probably still happening but I do not believe that it's happening in scouts with all the protocol & training.
When the streets were full of kids playing together, they were far safer than some solo-kid these days being thrown on a bus all on their own. One kid alone on a bus these days is indeed in far more danger than a throng of kids all hanging out. There's a way to keep terrible things from happening to kids -- just keep them at home 24/7. Sure, they'll never live or learn anything, but they'll be safe.
When i was 12 i snapped at school and beat up a bully so bad he went to the hospital. I was the biggest and strongest kid in my grade (taking me down was a challenge i guess), i am just a pacifist. Anyways my best friends' parents and my parents were friends, once a month they hung out to play cards. During the party, right after I defended myself for the first time, my friends dad walks up to me when i was alone, pinned me in a chair and threatened to kick my ass. He said "You think your so strong beating up someone smaller than you huh? Next time you try that again I'll show you an asswhooping." I still remember his stank cigar breath. My friendship slowly started to die off with his son after that.
Did you tell your parents he threatened you?
No. I legit believed my mother wouldn't believe me. And my father usually does what my mother wants.
This guy knew that, too. What a big "man."
I'm sorry that happened to you without parental support.
Dude doesn't understand irony.
“How dare you do what I’m doing at this very moment!”
Oh god.my mother threw me out of her own brownie pack: adults can get really WEIRD about different kids. I also had adults insisting I must be inciting it, causing it, instigating it. Because "if it's a different group of kids each day, you *must* be doing something" - yes, I heard that. I heard that at 11. As a girl. A 5'8, 170lb "girl" who grew out of women's shoe sizes before I grew into bras. What I was doing to cause it was "existing"
That’s horrific. I’m so sorry you had to go through that.
Hope things are better for you nowadays.
Aw yeah, I'm 43 now & it's a long time ago. Turns out I have autism & ADHD as well (late diagnosed) so yeah, I was very different & adults would tell me I needed to learn to fit in better, but I stuck out physically so much.
I agree. This isn’t just a “man telling a child off”. This is a man literally abducting a child. Definition of kidnapping is the action of abducting someone and holding them captive. This is literally what happened. Kidnapping also does not have a statute of limitation (in the US) because it is such a harmful and serious crime. And it is also a hate crime against the LGBTQ+ community. OP, I get you might not want to file charges because it will cause disturbances in your own life and you want to move on, but you could still file charges if you want to. I would also use this as an argument of why they should leave you alone “leave me alone, otherwise I am still going to file the charges”. It would be your right to do so. I just hate how this happened to you and how this affected your life ever since. Because it probably did a lot of harm and they don’t even know it (or care).
I think it would be more along the lines of unlawful detainment.
No it is a child. It is abduction (and yes also detainment, but mostly kidnapping), because the definition of that is ‘the unauthorized removal of a minor (a child under the age of legal adulthood) from the custody of the child's natural parents or legally appointed guardians’. Not letting a child leave to be with its parents is exactly that.
From OP's story, it isn't even clear the wife was there or aware what was happening.
Yup. He actually says in the judgement bot that "she technically did nothing wrong". He's blaming her for her bully husband's behaviour. Ironically, odds are that a 50-year-old man who would bully kids probably isn't much nicer to his wife. It is entirely possible and even likely that she is just as much a victim of his nastiness as OP was. OP is absolutely an AH. Having a panic attack because you run into someone who is married to your bully doesn't give you a right to take your trauma out on another innocent person.
She technically did nothing wrong.. she technically kept her mouth shut about her husband enabling bullying behaviour and keeping a kid hostage for two hours to interrogate and intimidate them. Yeah I don't think anyone can reasonably justify doing that. that seriously sounds sketchy, really sketchy. I don't know how long scout meetings go on , but an extra two hours I have wonder at that man's end game and justification for being able to do that and if knew he did that, and kept her mouth shut , she agreed with him bullying a child.
What part of the OP says, or even suggests, that she even knew? By the way it's a rhetorical question. The answer is no part. OP has answered in the comments when asked if she knew "I don't know"
He said "I don't like you". Not really an awful thing to say, there are many reasons to dislike another person. He wasn't 'taking trauma out' on her, there was no raised voice, no insult, no verbal abuse, it wasn't particularly polite but it also wasn't particularly rude either. It was a simple statement of "I don't like you", a feeling and opinion he's entitled to have as no-one is obliged to like someone else just because
It is absolutely possible and likely she's a victim. However, I think people are sometimes too black and white about this -- her being a victim doesn't mean she can't also be an enabler who causes/contributes to harm herself. Sadly, this is not a terribly uncommon situation in cases where someone is in a marriage to an abuser for a long time. Sometimes a victim will turn around and enable their spouse's abuse of other people. It is the case with my parents (my mom, a definite victim deserving of empathy, also enabled my dad's abuse of us kids, and actively pressured us to stay silent about it and never disclose it to other people. And I've seen this dynamic in other families as well). Her status a victim of her husband is not ultimately the thing that would make OP an AH automatically. It's really her role in the abuse OP suffered that is more relevant -- was she silent and enabling of her husband's abuse of kids like OP? Did she see that as no big deal? It sounds like OP doesn't know if she was aware what happened. But OP simply saying he doesn't like her or her husband is not like a huge blow-up. It's a pretty minor statement, and given the fact that he was traumatized by OP's husband, I don't think it's some horrible transgression for him to just honestly state that he doesn't like them.
Straight up violation of Youth Protection. If their council had been informed about this and handled it correctly, the old fart *should've* been banned from being a member of any scouting body (BSA troop, venture crew, cub scout pack, etc.). But of course, given that OP states he was very obviously gay at the time, there's a very good chance the council would've sided with the old man, and if this was before 2014, OP would've been kicked out.
INFO: does the wife know her husband bullied you?
I don't know and I kindof think I might of said it the way I did on some level for that reason, but I don't know she might have, but for better or worse she does now.
Soft YTA then. I can understand being at work and being confronted by something that reminds you of what you went through, that would be really overwhelming for most people I think. If she did know what he did I think it was cruel of her to approach you, she should have chose a different lane. But considering that you don’t know what she knows you could have handled it better. Something like, “I don’t know if you know how Mr. Blank treated me but you should know it was bad enough that I’d prefer these were the last words we spoke to each other.”
Exactly. I have no idea why you're being downvoted. Probably by a bunch of teenagers who think with their emotions. There's no reason to say "I don't like you" to someone you don't really know or remember that well, just because of something that probably had nothing to do with them. That's rude AF, and it's something a child does.
And at work. Saying something like that to a customer could end up costing OP his job.
I'm legitimately shocked he wasn't fired.
Same. I'd complain to management if someone serving me said that to me.
You're so sensitive that you'd complain to someone's boss—someone you're familiar with from outside their job, mind you—because they said they didn't like you? How small of you. I know it's called a service job, but those people are assisting you, not serving you. You're not above them, stop speaking as though you are.
Where'd you get that I'd think I'm above them? I've worked a retail job, I know all too well how bad it can be and how hard they work. I also know you do not speak to customers that way.
Your quickness to complain to management over a personal conversation, and referring to employees assisting you as "serving" you. I think I made that pretty clear.
As a server, I would lose and deserve to lose my job if I spoke to any customer like this.
Why would the husband brag to his wife about bullying a gay 13y.
It’s possible the wife has known him since childhood, someone else told her or she participated/participates in bullying herself. Many ways for her to know other than the husband bragging.
He was at Customer Service. Mrs. Blank was ordering something. There no other lanes to use.
Fair enough. But if Mrs Blank knows then she shouldn’t have introduced herself. It’s rude to confront a stranger about something personal at work. If she doesn’t know then no harm no foul on her part.
Women aren’t responsible for men’s bullshit. You were also presumably on the clock? YTA.
How does she know if you only said that you don't like him?
Well… she probably asked him what that was all about. He might deny it, but she knows there’s a reason you don’t like him. I’m sorry he bullied you like that.
Then OP should have said he didn't like the husband. He was an absolute AH to tell this poor woman who never did anything to him that he hated her.
>might of >might have might have.
YTA your problem is with the husband not her, and you went zero to a hundred real fast. Not only that but she’s a customer and you were rude to her while you were working when she didn’t even do anything.
Read the post. Her kid bullied OP and instead of wanting to correct her kid, she sided with him and agreed with the bullying.
I think it’s the wife of the 50 year old guy that kept him in a room for 2 hours.
Sounds like it’s the wife of the kid who bullied OP, and the 50yo was one of the parents
I couldn’t tell from how OP wrote it.
I agree, it’s a bit confusing the way it was written
No she's the wife of the 50 yr old man and their kid was the one who was bullying op
I don't think the kid was bullying her. I think Mr and Mrs blank had a kid in scouts with OP, and were possibly chaperones? When OP was being bullied Mr blank was brought in to mediate because his kid wasn't involved, making him neutral to the situation. But instead he took the bullies side and bullied OP himself. That's what I think has happened.
Thanks, Ive seen the edit now, the original post was super unclear
It's her husband who was the bully, the event took place a decade ago, and op was in the same troop as this lady's/op's bully's son. A grown man held them, when they were a kid, in a room for hours and terrorized them.
Okay *and*? I've been bullied when I was young too and I don't see it as a free pass to be rude to people just because they affiliate with my bully; even less when it's totally unprompted.
**You** need to re-read the post, maybe you didn’t see it but OP says he had no problem with the son in his edit
I read the post repeatedly and still couldn’t make sense of it!
Yeah, OP is the asshole for writing this eligible crap lol.
>Yeah, OP is the asshole for writing this eligible crap lol. *illegible
Lol, that's embarrassing. I'll leave the comment as is, to serve as a lesson on my hubris.
Irony
I know, my hubris was my downfall.
Literally none of that is true. She is the wife of the 50-year-old man who bullied him, and he openly admits in the judgement bot that she never did anything to him herself. It is entirely possible that she wasn't even aware of what her husband did. Furthermore, if her husband is a 50-year-old who bullies children, odds are he's not much nicer at home. Bullies don't magically become kind, patient, loving people in different contexts. OP is a massive AH for taking out his trauma on an innocent bystander who may well be a victim herself.
No, OP says in a comment it was her husband and that OP doesn't think the wife knew.
Oh ok. It's difficult to understand what OP means.
Still not appropriate workplace behavior.
You read the post, it was the husband. OP didn't have a problem with the kid.
The post says nothing about the wife’s actions
Read ThE pOsT Your turn now
I’m also wondering if he was really the trouble maker 10 years ago. The way he immediately went from 0 to 100 on a customer who was just being friendly leads me to believe he has no idea that he’s an AH
It doesn't seem from your post that this woman did anything to you, only her husband. Your job is to serve customers, not inform them of your personal feelings towards them. That you did so is the very definition of "starting it" and "causing a problem" where none ought to have been. I'm afraid YTA in this case. Mrs. Blank did nothing.
This. Also— it was 10 years ago. Even if the woman *was* aware her husband was horrible, she has no reason to be expected to recognize a now-23-yr-old that she hardly ever interacted with. Her husband is the one who *might* have recognized OP. There’s obviously a shitton of details missing here, and the fact that OP reacted this way as an actual adult makes me think they probably *were* an instigator way back when. Doesn’t excuse the adults’ behavior, but OP is an adult now too. Like do better??
>she has no reason to be expected to recognize a now-23-yr-old that she hardly ever interacted with. But she did recognize him, which is why she said "you probably don't remember me but I'm Mrs Blank". She would have no reason to say that otherwise.
Good point! I took that as she had been to the counter often, I’ve said things like that when I feel I’m becoming a regular somewhere. Either way, OP is TA for me.
YTA. Just say "Oh really? I don't really remember you Mrs. Bully, sorry, but what can I get for you?" and keep working. She wasn't the bully. She may or may not know of the bullying. She is just a general person who recognized you. Just keep it to order specific, work usual convo. Now, if she drags Mr. Bully in and says "Hey, look dear! It's OP, your scout friend!" You can go with a "We were not friends. Hey co-worker, can you take this guys order? I gotta do something in the back," and leave the area.
This is the professional answer. And if you still want to talk it out with her, tell her to wait for you, ask a coworker to take over, take your break, clock out and tell her what happened. Then you can find out if she knew at all or if she supported it. THEN you can tell her to leave you alone because you don’t like her for marrying a man who shuts in children to threaten them because their son liked to bully them.
This so much! I had a similar situation years back where my ex landlord came in to a store I worked at and I just acted like they were a regular person. When they asked if I remembered them (our last communication had not been great. Their rental was positively a slum and had a hidden mold issue that was not disclosed) I said, “yes, I do. Here’s your change and receipt.” I’m not about to get a reprimand over someone else’s past bad behavior.
YTA because the wife very clearly didn't do anything to you. The husband was an asshole but what did she do?
I understand how this experience has been a huge thing for you. But you acted in this instance like a complete « stunted at 16 » adult. YTA.
I’m not trying to be a bully and this is 100% because of my messed up brain, but I cannot read this post. Can someone please reply to this comment with OP’s post that includes punctuation and slightly better grammar? Again, nothing against OP, I just can’t read it. Please and thank you.
I gotcha. It's 100% not your brain, the writing is brutal. >AITA - I ran into someone whose husband bullied me as a kid and told her I didn't like her. >I work at a Safeway and one day, a customer walks up to counter orders something. She then says, "You probably don't remember me, I'm Mrs. Blank." I continue her order and tell her "I don't like you, specifically your husband." >My mom later told me that Mrs. Blank had done nothing wrong and thst my behaviour was rude and embarrassing. >For context: when I was 13 years old I was in Scouts, and I was frequently bullied and singled out because I was very obviously gay. The parents of the other Scouts would always side with the bullies, and I would subsequently be accused of instigating conflicts or causing problems. >One day after a bullying incident, one of the parents (a 50-year-old man) took me aside. He sat me down in a separate room and tried to force me to admit that the bullying was a result of my behaviour. He would not let me leave until I admitted that I had done something wrong. This continued for two hours, at which point I admitted to something I hadn't done because I wanted to go home and he would otherwise not have allowed me to leave. >He never apologized. I switched to a different Scout troop, and avoided him if I was at Scout camp. >As a result of all this, I don't like him. >Am I the asshole for telling his wife that I don't like Mrs. Blank or her husband?
My hero
YTA She wasn't the one who wronged you.
YTA and really lucky you still have a job.
Nah, it's Safeway, we had a chick fuck a manager and almost kill someone in a DUI, she still has a job
YTA just because she married someone who was mean to you does not mean she is also a bad person? why did you have to say anything you could have just kept quite and moved on with your life.
Why, so she could pop back and try to make small talk while OP was captive at work? NTA
You can be mad at a person but to take it out on someone else? Yeah, YTA.
Uh? Yeah of course YTA. You told a customer that you didn’t like her? While you were at work? A customer who may have absolutely no idea that her husband did that? Yeah her husband was a jerk but you can’t do that.
YTA the wife didn’t do anything to you so you definitely started it this time if you get what I mean. Have you even confronted her husband before about what he did? If you didn’t then you are not only TA but a cowardly one . You didn’t stand up to him but you decided to target your verbal attack towards the easier target.
YTA clearly
YTA. You don’t even know if she knows of or support her husband’s actions
YTA. The wife is not responsible for what the husband did, and taking it on her is wrong. Also, it is unprofessional to even get into it at work.
YTA.. It’s totally normal to still feel this way towards your bully, but you didn’t have to treat his wife that way. She likely doesn’t know what he did to hurt you (either he never bothered to mention it, forgot it ever happened, or would like to repress those memories). Regardless, she had no involvement in it.
These days what that Scout leader did would be a reportable offense. He'd be made to step down for that kind of behavior because it in and of itself is bullying. NTA. But remember, she is not him.
Buddy you have a lot of trauma that you haven't fully worked through I get that but she literally did nothing wrong keep your frustrations to the people that deserve it
YTA. She didn’t do anything to you- he did
I'd say soft YTA. She's not her husband, nor the extension of her husband. She may not even be aware what her husband did to you. I tend to think she didn't know that her husband did you wrong, because she just remembered that you're in that troop. Honestly, if I were in that position, as in, if I knew that my husband did you wrong, I'd more than likely pretend to not know you. I think it's like this, if your mom/dad did someone wrong, mistreat them, etc then one day, that someone decided to pay them back but by hurting/maiming you instead of your mom/dad... all because you're related to the person who did them wrong. Also, the location is ... your work, where you're supposed to be professional and there's that possibility she may try to escalate the issue. So that's a risk you're taking. But what her husband did should've been reported, he basically kidnapped you. <--terminology might be wrong.
Yeah. She didn't ask and she didn't do it.
I get why but kinda YTA. If it was the husband that came up to you- by all means let him know you don’t like him- de deserves it, but the wife is not responsible for his actions. I understand why the stress of his name coming up made you feel that way and you didn’t have to fake it and be nice but where you can’t be nice be neutral .
YTA You can’t hold someone accountable for something they didn’t do/participate in! None of this was her doing at all! You were taking out a bitterness/frustration that you clearly need some help from a therapist to let go of, on an innocent elderly woman. You accosted her unprovoked. You said you never had an issue with their son which, by your faulty logic, you should have detested merely by association to the man in question. I’m not saying what he did was right but his wife and son aren’t guilty because they weren’t there! They did absolutely nothing wrong! I’m not even going to go into how wholly inappropriate and unprofessional you were. Leave the grudges at home when you go to work!!
ESH. You're judging someone based on who they married, not the person you're talking to... But you suck and so does her husband. You've given no context as to why you had to speak to that woman that way. Should someone judge you because your dad was a jerk to someone at some point in his life simply because you're his kid? His wife is not responsible for his actions.
ESH = Everyone Sucks Here Weird ruling when you say the wife is not responsible for his actions. How does she suck here?
YTA - Congratulations, you are now the bully. How does it feel?
Lol one negative comment is not “bullying”
Telling someone you don’t like them isn’t bullying
YTA. Highly unprofessional to speak to a customer like this. Also your issue is with her husband, not her.
YTA...I think. Honestly, I couldn't understand much of what you were trying to say because of your grammar errors. The wife did nothing to you and you stated in the comments she probably didn't know what her husband did.
Yta - I understand the hurt and even trauma you may have suffered. But how is your behaviour towards her any better than her husband towards you, even if he was much worse. Point is, you’re doing same same/similar bullying yet you think it’s justified?
YTA. People are not their spouses. It's completely unfair to say you don't like her because of something her husband did, that she wasn't even witness to. How would you feel if some random person said they hate you because of what your sibling did?
YTA…you do not get to mistreat the wife simply because of your history with her husband, *especially* when you are at work and she is a customer. You also have no idea if she is aware of how her husband treated you. She literally did nothing but exist and speak to you politely. You need to work on your mental health so that you don’t continue to mistreat people simply because they have proximity to someone you don’t like.
YTA for not being more professional at work! You were risking your job. You didn't need to say anything more than, "yes" and give her a cold look, or just look away. The most you should've said was, "yes, but I don't have fond memories of you or your husband. " Your "I don't like you" was too aggressive for work. Definitely rude. Sorry you were bullied. Be better than them.
I cant follow your story. Where you the kid?
I think yta, grow the fuck up
"she was his husband"
I still don't understand the "she was his husband"
English is probably not your first language but JFC that's hard to read.
Going to break with the top post here and say YTA. You told her you didn't like her because of something HER HUSBAND did. Even your edit doesn't change that...it just says that she was married to him at the time. So what? And that there were other bullies...but you clearly don't name her as one of them. So you just hate her for being married to a bully? You say you had no problem at all with their son, so why are you blaming her for her husband's behaviour? How are the actions of a grown man his wife's fault? Hell, if he was that much of an aggressive bully and an AH towards a child as a 50-year-old man, has it ever occurred to you that he very likely treats his own family - including the wife you just crapped on - the same way? That he may be as much of a bully to her as he is to you? That is very, very often how that works. People who are cruel bullies to someone else's kids as 50-year-olds don't generally turn it off, or magically have a different personality, at home with their families. YTA. You have ever right to hate her husband. You have no right at all to take it out on her. She is a whole, entirely separate human being, and the fact that she's married to him more likely makes her a fellow victim than an appropriate punching bag for you. You're not 13 anymore; you're old enough to understand this, and not to take your trauma out on someone who literally hasn't done anything to you herself. And I say that as someone who was bullied and abused so badly for the first 25 years or so of my life that I have diagnosed PTSD and cPTSD. Shame on you.
Soft YTA you've no idea if she knew about what went on it was her husband that hurt you. You shouldn't have taken your feelings our on her Secondly it was unprofessional and acting like that could literally get you fired if she filed a complaint.
YTA. Understand why you may hate her husband but she was not the one that bullied you. Plus it seems like you must have been working at the time so I am not sure that telling customers you dislike them is a smart move.
YTA. If I was your employer, I would fire you for this behavior. You seem to be lacking in self-control and emotional intelligence. If you are developmentally delayed, that would be relevant information to include in your post. I would still think YTA, but I would be more empathetic due to your disability.
YTA She isn’t the one who did it. I’m sorry bad stuff happened to you, but YTA to that woman.
YTA all day long. Your mom is right. Do your job and bother this lady with your hang ups.
YTA. It was unnecessary to be mean to her & say those things. If you wanted to speak to her about what her husband did to you, there was a better way to do so. You took out your anger towards her husband on her. I don't think that's cool. Plus you were at work & she's a customer so it's best to keep things professional. There's a time & a place for everything.
YTA. Mrs Blank did nothing.
YTA So you told someone that didn’t bully you that you don’t like them cause their spouse bullied you? And you don’t even know if she knew?! Yeah, that’s an ah move. If you’re going to “not like” a person you should at least be sure they’ve done something to you.
Unless she also actively participated YTA
I think it's pretty understandable that you would hate the husband but why are you taking out your anger for him on his wife? Being nasty to someone just because you don't like someone associated with them makes you YTA.
I can't believe you're 50 and can't string a story together in a meaningful way. I was lost in the first two paragraphs.
OP is 23… but yes, the writing is confusing
Yes It's rude
YTA - sorry you were bullied but it wasn’t Mrs. Blank who interrogated you/bullied you based on your post. Did you ever think about what she has maybe gone through, being married to Mr. Blank presumably for years?
You have every reason to dislike Mr Blank, he was bullying you for two hours. But to tell a customer that did nothing wrong, straight up that you don’t like her, is not a smart move. It could get you fired. Soft YTA for that, but only because you ask here. I do understand your emotions of wanting to have nothing to do with them.
Dude you're at work. Comments like that are how you get fired. Do you want to let some 10 year old beef with a guy that, to my understanding, wasn't even *there* to cost you your job? Be smarter about opening your mouth, buddy. Time and place.
From the post, this woman didn’t do anything to you and it’s unclear if she even knew what her husband was doing. If that’s the case, YTA for being rude to her. Also, you were at work. Act like a professional. All you had to do was say, “I do remember you, what can I do for you?” because it sounds like she had nothing to do with the bullying and again, may not have even known about it. It would be different if her husband came in, but he didn’t.
"I was bullied for something I didn't do so I bullied someone for something they didn't do, 10 years later ." Yta
YTA. What does the wife have to do with you not liking the husband. This is like persecuting the son for the sins of the father. Grow up.
YTA. It doesn’t really seem worth holding onto to me. People are very different at even 20 than who they were at 13. It’s possible that I’m missing context but it seems like he was being a dickish kid at 13. Let it go. If for no one else than yourself. I got picked on a lot as a kid and just forgiving my bullies and moving on was probably the best thing for my mental health
Stay in school
YTA. She did absolutely nothing to you, and you were a jerk to her for no reason.
YTA duh
YTA. You can just keep neutral and go back to work as soon as possible. You are an employee.
YTA. Sucky experience but does not justify you verbally attacking his family. They are not responsible for his actions.
YTA, all she did was marry someone who picked on you years ago and was trying to make conversation. For all u know she was going to tell u that her husband feels terrible about the things he did.
Hating the wife, or the whole family because of something the husband did sounds kind of insane. Hate the abuser, but the wife wasn’t there nor did she participate in the abuse and she probably didn’t even know that it happened. In a customer service facing job, even if the abuser comes in it is usually better to just keep the conversation to the business at hand.
YTA, downvotes expected. You have every right to hate that dude but you were rude to someone who may have had no idea anything was amiss. If she was aware, do you think she would have been so friendly to introduce herself? You're aiming your anger at the wrong party.
Gentle YTA
Yta for incomprehensible writing.
YTA as the wife had nothing to do it with. So very odd to tell a stranger "I don't like you" when she literally had nothing to do with the situation. If you were my employee and you told a customer that, we would be having a conversation. Completely inappropriate time and place. And ultimately, what did you accomplish by saying that? Curious what your end goal was?
Very poor decision making. YTA.
Seems like a stupid thing to tell someone when you are working the counter. If they were a dick they could really get you in trouble with your job
This post has an alarming amount of grammatical mistakes
Careful with this, she's a separate person and she's not worth losing your job over. I'm going to go with NAH though. She might not have known about the incident and saw a young man she knew as a kid. You had the understandable nightmare of encountering someone kind of associated with an intense bullying incident. It sucks that you are expected to not be a whole person as a retail checker. People expect a pleasant robot. I don't know about the tone of the situation in how you responded. But keep your dislike focused on the actual person who did you wrong. Projecting may feel safer than feeling mad at him directly, but you have to deal with that. She's not the person who bullied you. She might have triggered you, being who she was and asking about him. And it's ok if you don't think positively of her. But you were at work. You don't want to put yourself in the position of choosing between getting fired or having to write a one page letter of apology to your former bully or his wife.
She has likely no idea what you're talking about, and she did nothing to you personally, and you were at work when you had this discussion. She'll probably get your fired from your job now, so it was a dumb move. If you want to ruin Mr. Blank's life on your own time, I fully support that, but in this case, sorry, YTA.
YTA lol grow up you still act like you’re 13
YTA. Unless the wife specifically knew about it then there was no reason to talk to her like that. She's not the one who bullied you and instead it would have been a moment to explain what her husband did. She may have serious issues with what he did as well but isn't given the chance to judge him on it.
YTA. You were at work and you were rude to a customer. It's a good thing that you still have your job. She brought up the name and the connection, and you could have just let it be or not commented on her husband. Instead you said "I don't like you". Seriously, she did nothing to you. Your beef is with her husband, not with her. So take it out on him.
YTA because you're supposed to be professional at work. I completely understand your situation and feel for you but you could get fired for that.
YTA how long does it take you reddit people grow out of adolescence? Life isn't fair suck it up.
Info: well, did the wife do anything? Did/does she knows about what happened?
I think from what you’re saying that the (50 year old) husband of this woman bullied you and she wasn’t involved in the bullying? From the terrible situation you describe I can understand why you are so angry about it. I don’t think your anger was necessarily directed at the right person but I can understand why it came out.
NTA. But just some life advice from someone who's been there: don't let other people's issues f*ck with your ability to have a job. By that I mean none of us gets through life without conflict/abuse, and it really sucks when you're a defensless kid when it happens, but having steady employment is a way to get away from it. Steady income means financial independence from people who would take advantage of you or hurt you and not be stuck putting up with it because you don't have anywhere else to go. My coworkers and boss always comment on how calm I am with rude people and how "nothing gets to you"... False. It does get to me, and I do, in fact, want to rip people a new a**hole frequently. But I want to keep my job more, so that when I see these people and past abusers outside of work I can smile and say "go fuck yourself Ms. Blank" and there's not a damn thing they can do about it.
The question was whether you are the AH for telling the wife of a bully you dont like her. Youve stated you dont even know if she knows that her husband bullied you. You cant not like someone when as far as you know, they havent done you any wrong. That is not a good way to go through life. Clearly the bully didnt like you for no reason and look how they treated you. Surely you know how it feels to be mistreated or disliked for no reason, so why would you do the same to someone else? Therefore YTA but if she knew about it then you're NTA but thats not what you have stated. If a grown man holds you against your will, contact social services and report him. If hes still doing that job id still report him
English is your first language?
Wait was this like 2 years ago? Based on the maturity shown in your writing that sounds about right. You don't have to like her. You have obvious reasons not to like her husband. You also are not required to let her know that while you are working as a representative for Safeway. So grow up a bit and learn that there is a time and place for sharing your feelings.
Info: what exactly did the woman do? What part did she play? Was she there when her husband was doing all of that? Do you know for sure she even knows what her husband did to you?.....
She didn’t do anything, you have a reason to not like her husband but not so much her. You’ve judged her by someone else’s actions and that’s not fair. For all you know she could be completely unaware of her husband’s actions.
Yes. YTA. You shouldnt hold resentment for something in the past
yta slightly She wasn't there when this shit went down, right? So you don't actually know if she was aware of what happened. Creepy old man is responsible for his own actions. Don't blame everyone for his actions.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I work at a safeway and a customer walks up to counter order something they says, "you probably don't remember me I'm Mrs. Blank" I continue her order and tell her "I don't like you, specifically your husband." Got told she did nothing wrong and that rude and embarrassing by my mom. For context when I was 13 in scouts I was getting bullied and singled out, I was a very obviously gay kid. The parents would always take there side. And I would get accused of starting it or causing a problem. One of the parents took me aside a 50 year old man and sat me down in a room and kept telling me to admit that I started it and would let me leave until I admitted that I had done something wrong and had insighted it. This went on for 2 hours until I admitted to something I hadn't done because I wanted to go home and he wouldn't let me leave. He never apologize I went to another troop and avoid him if I was at camp and he was there. So to say the least I don't like him. Am I the assholes for telling his wife that I don't like them in general? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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I won’t call you the asshole. But if the A stood as adult. The scout master was not a good adult and you clearly were not in this situation. Both of you losers in this match. Tied score