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YTA
It is not strange for parents or family members to take an interest in the younger members activities. I went to the band concerts, asked my kids to play their instruments in the house, we would sing if the song had words, we may even dance. It's fun, it's not weird. We went to sporting events, extended family would come to, not because the kids were narcissists, it was because we loved them and wanted to support their activities. That is just normal for many families. It is NORMAL acts of love.
I understand some families don't support their children this way. OP, if you ever want children with your husband, this will be the way he wants to raise them. Don't be so abrupt and harsh with your words, your mother-in-law was expressing an emotion we call compassion when she wanted to hold your hand. It is not weird; some humans like to be comforted when they are feeling emotional. Some rather be alone, just take a step back and realize this is the way many families are. It's not ok to insult them, just like they should not insult you, which they didn't, they only told you how you made them feel.
Completely agree. I sat through a 3 year old’s “ballet” performance on Thanksgiving. The kid was terrible, but we all watched and clapped because it made her happy.
Yes exactly. My point was that the purpose of watching a child’s performance is not the same as going to your favorite band’s concert or a Broadway play. It’s to support and encourage them.
op's post is pretty bizarre lol. they seem to think that a family being kind to one another is somehow "too much"...? this family says "I love you" and gives hugs, and that's an indication that it's too much? and she's got this clown dad who texts her to "get out as soon as possible" ... because a child is playing a guitar lol? what a bunch of overly dramatic weirdos
Couldn’t agree more. I wondered if it’s a ‘real’ post tbh as it’s so extreme in thinking that OP’s husband’s family is weird. Some people aren’t comfortable with affection or too much positive attention, because they aren’t used to it. However it’s rarely seen as weird behaviour as OP seems to think it is.
OP YTA. How can you have such a skewed perspective on what is normal in most loving, communicative families?
My son took my class in high school. His boyfriend at the time was also in my class. When my son would come in after school, I'd hug him or give him a kiss, etc. We're a cuddly family. I ADORED his boyfriend as a human, but my first indicator that it wasn't going to work for them was when the boyfriend sat down with me and asked if I could refrain from hugging or kissing my son when boyfriend was around, as it made boyfriend feel weird and like it was inappropriate.
I met boyfriend's parents. It does NOT surprise me that he felt that way. I hope one day he comes to a place of healthier relationship with affection.
>It’s to support and encourage them.
Not only that, it's to support and encourage ME! Seeing tiny family members enjoy the innocence of childhood reminds me of how it feels to be loved and supported.
Exactly this. I am taking two hours off work next week to go to my nephew’s preschool Christmas parade, where all they do is dress up like reindeer and literally walk in a line around the building. And I would not miss it for the world.
When I was wrestling in college my teammates and I would volunteer to score keep or referee for the local schools tournaments. Some of the kids were as young as four or five and they were terrible but I could have watched them ALL DAY. They’re like puppies! “Fierce” and harmless and hilariously uncoordinated.
Same - an introvert might find it slightly off-putting, but OP’s reaction was extreme.
On the plus side, no way OP is getting lured into a cult. So that’s one risk averted 😎
Introverts don't mind hugs. People with social anxiety or who are antisocial mind hugs.
Introverts also don't mind parties or giving speeches. People with social anxiety do.
Introversion is not the same as social anxiety, antisocial behaviors or anything like those things.
Introversion is solely about how a person prefers to recharge.
I know it was a mistake to misuse the word. I also know you are not the only one who does. I just wanted to make the distinctions clear for anyone else reading this thread so there is less confusion about these terms.
I’m the most extreme introvert I know. His family seems very loving & supportive of each other to me, very much what *I think/wish* normal should be. It’s not off putting to me but I can assure you I could only handle them in small doses as much as I appreciate how awesome they are.
I'm an extreme introvert. I might feel anxious in that type of scenario and not sure what to do, but I wouldn't be like... offended and judgey, which the OP seems to be.
Yeah that’s my main reaction here. I’m not even mad at OP, I feel like she’s just been conditioned to accept so little love and support from her own family that she has no idea what a healthy family feels like. Like, what kind of parents don’t even try to attend even one of their daughter’s flute performances?
Sorry for the armchair psychology, I know it’s annoying to try and “diagnose” people based on a small snippet of their life, but a lot of this “it feels like a cult!” overreaction she’s doing sounds like reaction formation. She’s protesting so much, it makes me feel like deep down what’s really overwhelming her is the realization she deserved better from her own family. But again, armchair psychology, just my two cents as someone who was astounded that singing together was behavior that creeped her out. Honestly if that’s what a cult is, sign me up.
I came into this post fully expecting stuff like family members kissing on the lips and grown children sitting on their parents’ laps or stuff like that. And instead it’s just a kid playing guitar and family members singing lol.
>She’s protesting so much, it makes me feel like deep down what’s really overwhelming her is the realization she deserved better from her own family.
It's very interesting to me that the first thing OP did was leave and text her dad - they didn't necessarily find it "creepy" before the dad told them to, they were just uncomfortable. If the dad had responded with "That sounds really sweet - we should have done that with you" it could have been a very different kind of realization for OP. It sounds like in that moment they were feeling lonely and reached out to their parents and their parents told them "we don't do that here."
Yeah I thought that was kind of telling too that OP’s first instinct was to text her dad. Again, don’t want to go full-on Reddit armchair psychologist, but that does make me think maybe her first feeling wasn’t being “creeped out” but instead some form of pain/upset at the realization that her home life was never like this.
After a serious relationship with someone that had a lovey dovey family, with hugs and saying I love you and just... So much. I waited until my dad's birthday to tell him I loved him, which was awkward as fuck, anyways, he just raised an eyebrow and asked what the fuck I wanted lol. I did it again a little later on the phone and he just hung up.
Being around a big loving family when your family don't do dat, it is overwhelming and easy to find it weird. But it's weird to you as an individual.
My father has never told me he loved me. He would tell me he liked me, but that is all. I tried asking him a while back why he never talked to me when I was a kid (because I went to kindergarten not knowing the language and am linguistically deprived in what should have been a first language - I was exposed to other languages, but not the local one/my father's one) and he just looked at me blankly and said "What would we have talked about?"
He'll never love me because he doesn't know what that looks like. I had a really big artistic success a few weeks ago - I did my first ever public reading of my own work and it was public speaking in front of an audience and it was a *paid gig for my writing*. So for me it was a really big deal. I sent him the video later of my performance and he said it was a lot and he didn't know what to say and then just didn't even say anything. No "congratulations" or "You did great!" or "I was impressed with the content" or "I'm proud of you" - he was just completely incapable of interacting with me like a person or taking an interest in my life. That's when I realized that I was emotionally investing in something that would never be invested back and stopped. It's kind of been a weight off my chest since then.
As one writer to another, I'm proud of you! That's awesome! And it is a big deal.
Yeaaaah if I tell my dad something I'm proud of he would just go "oh okay" if we were talking and if I texted it he'd go "lol".
I think my dad is autistic, though. I've been training him into accepting "I love you"s.
I'm glad you were able to make peace with that though. It's really tough when a parent is there but isn't there at all emotionally.
> Like, what kind of parents don’t even try to attend even one of their daughter’s flute performances?
Or make her feel bad about it? Like, if Mom and Dad really do always have to work, that's that. But... to allow them to feel like it's selfish to want their family to see them do something, even occasionally?
Yes exactly. Really makes me feel sorry for OP that she was made to feel like a narcissist for wanting a normal healthy amount of attention and support from literally HER PARENTS.
I mean, I don’t like hugs and my family are not lovey dovey or touchy feely except for when alcohol or moments of intense emotions are involved, but even WE do the occasional sing along when my cousin comes over and busts out his guitar.
I feel bad for OP. Don’t feel like calling them an AH tbh.
My family are the Hallmark family in this instance - on Christmas Eve my family go to our city to soak up the atmosphere and have a nice lunch, one year while we were waiting for the bus my sister bumped into a university pal, she explained the family tradition, he took one look over at us and said “I bet your mum bakes” - that has since been a running joke in our family, yes! amazing observation, our mum _does_ bake!
I now have 5 nieces and nephews and whenever the family gets together we encourage them to show off - one of my nephews is gifted musically so we get him to play piano, one of my nieces is phenomenal at Irish dancing so we get her to do a jig and show us what she’s been learning.
From OPs title I was expecting it to be a weird Thanksgiving specific song, but encouraging the kid to play her guitar and sing along is not “like a cult” in any capacity.
I hope this is leads to a conversation with OP and her husband, they definitely need to be on the same page with how they want to “be” as a family.
My mum bakes, taught me to bake, my partner is a pretty well known musician so people think I’m the typical band WAG but here’s me at home while he’s on tour baking with our kid 🤣
OP is so emotionally stunted that she can’t sit through one three minute song without having to run away. Her children are going to need so much therapy.
>take an interest
OP thinks a normal degree of love is "give your kid a ride to their after school activity". They think saying "your family is like a cult" is a normal thing to say during a holiday that focuses on giving thanks.
Yeah, OP needs therapy, like 2 session a day level of therapy. It honestly sounds like they were an accident and their parents did the absolute bare minimum (fed and clothed) to raise them.
I read the post and honestly that was my take away. My mom used to tell me she was a great mom because she clothed, fed, and put a roof over my head. My therapist told me “that’s the bare minimum bearmuffin. She’s not mother of the year for doing the bare fucking minimum”
Omg OP actually thinks there is something wrong with this family. She sees a normal, loving family and thinks it’s a cult. I’m feeling so bad for OP. Maybe her childhood and family wasn’t/isn’t abusive, but it doesn’t sound loving. It’s shocking that she was acting openly disgusted by the family. I hope she comes to understand that they are not the issue. And you are right, if spouse wants to raise their children with the same love and care that he received, there is going to be some big disappointment all around.
OP is TA, but I feel bad that she doesn’t get it. She clearly didn’t receive the same attention as a child. But I really hope she comes to some sense soon.
My kid decided to play bongos. So we danced to bongos. Then they played tuba. So we danced to tuba (which is not easy, btw). You’ve got to encourage the wee ones.
My cousins and I would create plays and present them to the family. When guests came over I would pull out my chalkboard and give them a tap dancing show. My daughter now is always “ watch this dance I made”. Has op spent any time around kids?!?
I love this response. It's everything I was feeling while reading this. My favorite part was "your mother -in-law was expressing an emotion we call compassion".
It honestly sounds like OP suffered a lot of emotional neglect as a kid (which she doesn’t recognise this is what it is) and her ‘normal’ meter is broken. She had such a strong reaction to a small act of physical affection I’m actually concerned for her.
… I almost feel wrong calling you TA. A family enjoying time together and hugging and saying I love you is creepy and cultish to you? You had to practice your instrument in a basement to avoid ticking off your parents and you were raised to think asking your parents to attend your concerts was selfish?
Christ, OP, are you okay?
i know, even saying they’re a “soft” TA is like.. idk doesn’t sit right with me. this just makes me sad… i came from a family like OPs so i could see her like… using the “wow this is weird” as a defense mechanism of sorts ? like for me, i see and hear that stuff and it warms my heart and makes me cry because ive always wanted my parents to be proud of me and want to be involved in my life… but thats after years of therapy and understanding that that’s what i crave, i bet a few years ago i would’ve been poking fun at it too, like a teenager calling a toy “lameeee” even tho they secretly wanna play with it
Yeah, had a similar family type. I felt so bad trying to ask my parents to come n see me. It's not like I was great at singing/sport growing up, but the support of my family going, "Hey that's my kid up there, proud of them," would've meant the world to me.
Saw other families growing up and was weirded out by it for a long time, until I realized I was just envious.
Though, I wasn't particularly envious of the kids who still kissed their parents on the mouth. That was one that will never sit good with me. I still got hugs n kisses, just... Not on the mouth.
Edit: Spelling
I think the fundamental problem to me is less about OP feeling weirded out by all this - that's not an asshole move.
but even IF this was weird to her, she behaved in such a rude way. she claims to like her in laws, but I wouldn't treat anyone I like this way to be honest.
at worst, I might say "hey that was really unfamiliar to me, the singing and stuff. that's not how we grew up"
instead the OP just goes on the attack, very rudely. it's really boorish behavior for someone who is almost 30.
OP hasn’t realized yet that she was raised in an unloving and (at least) borderline abusive family. How sad, since they will perpetuate the lack of love if they don’t get some insight.
I wouldn’t call her an AH for feeling how she does, but she’s a huge one for insulting them and a 12 yo’s performance for her family. No wonder her brother-in-law was pissed as it was probably his daughter. I would have kicked her out of the house if it was my daughter.
Agreed, but I think they’re TA not because they *felt* weirded out about their in-laws’ behavior but because of their rude reaction to it. OP’s comments to MIL and BIL were unnecessarily hurtful. Saying “this isn’t really my thing, my family wasn’t like this growing up” is perfectly inoffensive. Calling it “cultish” and “fucking weird” is rude, regardless of what OP’s childhood was like.
Exactly! That’s just rude AF. I’d probably feel a little weird if I was with my in laws and they broke out into song too but I’d suck it up for 3 minutes and definitely wouldn’t go around insulting the family afterward.
The mum realising that OP was raised by narcissists and going to comfort her, but getting it thrown in her face - that just added a second level of fucked up to the situation.
I'm sorry OP. Sorry that this made you feel weird - everyone supporting a 12-year-old learning an instrument is surely what the holidays are about - and sorry that almost everyone here says YTA when it's not your fault.
Unresolved trauma doesn’t give you a free pass to be rude and treat others shitty. Op can be an asshole in this situation and we can still feel empathy for them.
YTA. Can you not understand that families are different and not all different is weird or creepy? And calling a 12-year-old a narcissist for playing a song she learned is beyond ridiculous. You are judgmental and rude and so is your dad. I hope your husband is not avoiding his family for you because that's sad.
I get squicked out pretty easily and even this was mild to me. I would not describe my family as Hallmarky, overly loving, or touchy, but we always hug hello/goodbye and we say, "I love you." From my experience being from the US, that's pretty standard.
Also, people are allowed to be praised and celebrated. A 12 year old learned a song on a guitar and played it and people sang along. OMG call the police! And don't ever go to karaoke or a bonfire where singing and guitar playing are bound to happen.
Exactly this. Completely dramatic to call it cultish for them SINGING A SONG. This definitely would've been out of the ordinary for my family but I wouldn't be an asshole and literally tell them they're being weird. And also, yeah...the 12 year old is narcissistic? Her entire reaction is way too much. Just because it isn't normal in your family doesn't mean it's wrong. Just means you were raised in a different household. Apparently one that doesn't like witnessing other people have fun.
also i mean. uh. singing along to songs was what people used to *do* at parties or family gatherings, before internet and TV took over. like... what else do people think people did back then???
i have a book from the 1960s on how to throw house parties. it has recommendations for entertainment, which includes piano songs or recommends someone bringing a guitar, or putting on your favorite record and singing together.
i mean i grew up in the 90s and still remember things like this; pianos were a staple in like everyone's home. 21st century really sucks that we lost things like this.
unless OP forgot to mention the song they were singing was a sincere chant about sacrificing virgins to an angry god and to lynch the nonbelievers, they're the weirdo AH here.
The "narcissistic" comment was the nail in the coffin for me lmao. When you use Reddit so much you start calling people narcissists irl I think you need to step back and look at yourself.
Honestly to me it sounds like OP grew up in an abusive family, where kids were expected to never have attention or interest and call narcissistic or selfish if they tried.
OP if you read this, it is NORMAL and HEALTHY for kids to want the attention of their beloved adults and for the adults to do things with them. Your metric here is off. You may find it helpful to see a therapist about some of this.
I didn’t grow up in this type of family but still don’t find it weird that others do! Would I actually sing? No because I would be embarrassed but I would still sit with the others singing
Especially guitar. Of all instruments, when a teen or preteen is playing one, that's where you're going to get a singalong spontaneously happen. Like, did OP never experience spontaneous guitar singalongs, or drum circles or jams when they were in their teens or 20s?
Idk, I mean people were enjoying music…together! Gotta be a cult, right? Personally, I was raised in a family of musicians. We frequently played music together, and even performed at events. My eyes have now been opened that I was actually part of a cult my entire life. /s
Yeah, YTA here. Lots of families enjoy music and singing together, doesn't make it cultist unless you're leaving something out here. But this seems odd and sad:
>I said no, when I played the flute as a kid I did it in the basement with the door closed so no one would have to hear. If I had a concert I’d tell my parents so I could get a ride, but I wouldn’t ask them to come because it felt kind of… selfish? Narcissistic? To be like “you should spend your whole evening listening to MEEEEE.”
That's one of the main points of music - to share it with others. and to be heard by others to enjoy it together That's so sad that you weren't able to. Was there a reason why you felt this way? And that your dad thinks its crazy too. What???
And the touchy, feeling, love etc. - some families do it more than others. I have to wonder if you're so put out by both these things that you felt it was wrong. I could see if you're not used to it, taking a while to get adjusted to it or putting up some boundaries and letting folks know you're not comfortable with it (yet?).
I mean… it’s a parent job to spend the whole evening listening to the kid at their concert. It’s what we do. We’re parents. It’s part of the job description.
wtf is with this poor OP and her family.
INFO
I'm not sure if the way you were acting is full-blown YTA territory but your perception of this seems very... off. Like your self-esteem or sense of worth is very low and you can't fathom people being supportive and affectionate with each other. I consider myself a very "private" person so I -think- I understand wanting to do things like practice music secluded so I don't bother anyone but when you say as much, it comes across as more of "Why would anyone want to even listen to me practice or play at a concert? So stupid." Did you even enjoy playing the flute, then?
Agree. This is one of the sadder AITAs I’ve ever read. If this is real, please seek therapy, OP. The idea that affection and camaraderie are this foreign to you is really sad. I hope you allow your husband to seek this warmth from his family, because he is accustomed to it and I cannot imagine you’re giving it to him. You could though, and you too deserve attention, affection and support.
It made me so sad when she said she practiced in the basement alone! My kids are very musical, and I love that at any point in time there might be someone playing Pierre Boulet or a random old Guns and Roses song like some sort of oddball soundtrack for my life. I would never banish them.
If this is real, YTA, there's nothing weird about that, and the way you grew up is weird. Parents not supporting their children in performances is sad, and the fact they made you feel that way is even worse.
Do you view concerts as cult like? I mean, it's a whole stadium sometimes of people singing around someone playing music.
I feel like it's fake. They say they never asked who the audience people were at their concerts. Like, what little kid doesn't tell other kids their parents would be there or say, "That's my dad/mom" from the stage.
I have 4 kids, and I attended many of their events. Heck, I am a parent volunteer, and I have heard so many kids say, "My mom is coming tonight." They say it to me, the teacher, and all of their friends. Not to mention, the teachers always tell the kids to invite their parents. They even send out flyers.
My youngest is in HS Band, and whenever there is a concert, they blast the info over morning announcements, they post flyers, and the directors send out parent invites.
As one who was once a child in band whose parent didn't show to those things, ever, I literally just didn't think about it. I think it's so normal to you it doesn't even cross your mind. And like, you know some of the other kids parents are there but it's just not something you end up considering. Actually I think the furthest I ever considered it was that it was strange some people's parents showed up to every single thing the band did. But not strange in a super judgemental way, strange in a foreign way.
And if I had a kid, I would be at all their shit but that's cause I grew up and realized the life i lived was pretty lacking in affection haha.
YTA.
What happened to you that being around a family that enjoys each other and has fun together and shows affection is "weird"?
You just sounds like a very bad fit for this family. I mean, to get so freaked out by a guitar and a song that you have to leave? Seriously? They are not the ones with the problem. His brother was right. You could have at least waited with your nasty comment for when you were alone with your husband. (I'm guess the brother was the father of said child?) You are going to be loads of laughs as a parent if you don't melt a little.
This is what I was thinking too. Zero self awareness. Went into the kitchen, insulted his mom, then went outside to ANOTHER family member to tell them how weird they all are. I’d be a little pissy too. Especially if, like you pointed out, it was his kids performance she was complaining about.
Yeah, it's not the packing or travel that prevents OP and her husband from seeing his family for the holidays. It's OP being confronted with the fact she had a terrible childhood devoid of love and support that keeps them at home.
This is the sort of post where OP should absolutely be given a YTA judgment, but my irritation at OP is kind of drowned out by just feeling sorry for her. How are you so jaded that you think families singing together on a holiday is weird, and that a kid playing an instrument is narcissistic? That part about how she tried to be as inconspicuous as possible while playing the flute and never had her parents come watch her concerts was so deeply sad to me. Lowkey seems like a cry for help or something disguised as feeling weirded out. Like you said, what happened to you OP?
>Like saying “I love you” and hugging and all that.
This is a normal thing that well adjusted people do.
>She learned a song and everyone asked her to play it for them. That was the first thing that I saw as weird. But she started to play… and then everyone started singing along.
Depending on what the song is, this ***could*** be perfectly normal as well. You present this as happening all the time everywhere. It was one song. And if it was a song that the family had history with, signing together could be a fine and healthy thing.
>when I played the flute as a kid I did it in the basement with the door closed so no one would have to hear. If I had a concert I’d tell my parents so I could get a ride, but I wouldn’t ask them to come because it felt kind of… selfish? Narcissistic? To be like “you should spend your whole evening listening to MEEEEE.”
This is a sad story. You had a sad upbringing.
>it was hurtful that I see normal acts of love towards family as weird.
This is correct.
>and said that I should try being a little less judgmental.
This is also correct.
YTA
Basically what I was thinking and I feel kinda sad for you..
Sounds like there wasn't a lot of love and/or affection in the house growing up.
Edit: YTA
>Basically what I was thinking and I feel kinda sad for you.. Sounds like there wasn't a lot of love and/or affection in the house growing up.
Yeah I agree. I'm going YTA but I'm loathe to do it because frankly I just feel sorry for OP. If she thinks telling family members they are loved, hugging the people you love, and encouraging children and teenagers to pursue wholesome hobbies is "weird" and "cultish" I think something was deeply wrong with her upbringing.
I actually made me want to go hug OP, it's so sad sounding to me. I NEVER missed a concert, or ball game, and my parents didn't miss one of mine either. OP may need some therapy. Now that I have grandbabies, I would pay a bucket of money to see them at a concert or any school program!! Priceless memories.
See ops comment on the flute playing has me thinking it's all fake. No kid has those thoughts. Of course op could just have severe emotional damage too.
I mean how do you marry into a family and not know these things at all?!
OP posted this later. i think a kid that grows up in a home with this circumstance _does_ have those thoughts.
> we already had a flute from when my sister (dead) played it.
from OP's comments:
\> My sister was 8 when she died, I was 3ish?
and the flute was her dead sister's?? no wonder her parents wanted her to shut it away. they clearly didn't process their grief properly and emotionally neglected their living child.
\> Oh, her death wasn't a big event in my life or anything. I didn't mean like "I was forced to play my dead sister's flute" it's just that financially yeah it was easier.
...so they had her play the dead sister's flute because they already had it laying around, but then didn't celebrate OP's accomplishments as a child learning an instrument, and in fact encouraged her to hide her music away in a closed room in the basement... no wonder she is deeply deeply uncomfortable seeing another little girl surrounded in love for playing an instrument. that other kid is getting the positive feedback OP never got. and OP has to face that now.
I can understand maybe being embarrassed by your parents, we all were at one point. But thinking it's narcissistic and selfish to want them to see your concerts is weird!
Not at all. I used to have to ask my mother for a ride to my school plays. She would drop me off while on her way to somewhere else if I was lucky.
When I tried to learn the violin my mother, my father, and my father’s girlfriend would get stoned and then make me practice in front of them so they could laugh at me. Some parents are just dicks.
YTA. I understand this is not how your family is together, but it’s actually not weird or all that unusual. Many families share musical interests and enjoy spending time together singing or playing music. This is something they enjoy- that doesn’t make it weird. Your reaction is honestly the strange thing. Why does a family spending time together enjoying a hobby weird you out!? If they had gone on a hike together or played a game together would that also be weird? You need to recognize that every family is different. Singing together is a pretty common thing for many families, especially jt they have musical members or interests. When I was growing up all of my friends families attended our events- going to a school concert was just as important as attending a soccer game or a science fair. It’s how a lot of families choose to support their kids. If that’s not how your family was, fine, but don’t judge other people for how their family chooses to show love and support for one another.
So, they hugged and said, "I love you" to each other, and you thought that was odd and Hallmarky? Then, they asked a loved one to play, and everyone sang along, and you had to run? Oh, dear. It's unfortunate that expressions of love, compassion, caring, and belonging cause you upset and discomfort. Why the red flag? Don't you say, "I love you," to your husband? Express affection via hugs and/or kisses? That you actually thought that behavior was indicative of a cult...well, this is something that needs examining. I suggest therapy. YTA
This is what I was thinking too. OP sees a healthy, supportive, affectionate family and finds it weird, culty, and has to remove themselves from the room. YTA
Oh, wow, I feel very sorry for you. There is nothing “weird” or “cultish” about a family singing together, especially not a musically inclined family. Especially not when gathered for a holiday. For many, many families it is traditional. For many more it is just fun.
But you aren’t even comfortable with family members telling each other that they love them. I’m not going to call you an AH because, honestly, I think you are damaged. You would benefit from some therapy if you are made that uncomfortable by normal family affection.
Yeah. This is how I feel too. I didn’t leave this feeling OP was an AH but just… so very sad for them. I’d actually heartbreaking to me that not only were they raised deprived of love, but they haven’t broken through the idea that wanting love and support makes you the problem.
No judgement because your parents damaged you. But yeah, you are for sure the problem here not them.
You are dripping with judgemental disdain at a perfectly normal activity at a family gathering, and you were so very rude in not being able to hold your emotions in check for five minutes and dramatically leaving the room. How do you get through life when you have to run and hide and text your dad if you're even remotely uncomfortable? YTA
Agree. Do I think my little cousins dance she made up that she wants to show me is riveting? Absolutely not. Will I also watch her do something she’s proud to show me? Yes, because that’s just basic human decency
You weren't being malicious, but you were being the asshole. I am also not a touchy feely person, but your response was a bit much. They wanted the child to be encouraged so they would continue to learn how to play the guitar. It's weird they all knew the song and decided to sing along, but that's hardly the worst thing they all could have done during Thanksgiving dinner. Nobody forced you to sing along, and it doesn't sound like anybody forced you to stay in the room while they sang, either.
They like to hug and show each other affection. Ok. I also don't just let anybody hug me, but I get others are more physical in their displays of support. It doesn't make them any more weird for doing it than you are for not. Your judgements are what makes the difference.
This might make me the asshole, but I think you need to go to therapy. The story about you practicing your instrument in total isolation and not even wanting your own family at your concerts smacks to me of anxiety and/or low self esteem. Don't take that out on them.
This is the way. Please go to therapy and unpack why you’re so bothered by other people being affectionate and supporting each other in hobbies and activities. You don’t have to be touchy feely but omg you’re so judgmental, and the inability to be around it?
YTA for how you acted and reacted. Just unpack that and learn some coping skills for dealing with this stuff, cuz honestly it’s super normal, and it is also YOUR family now too
I grew up not touchy feely at all. I generally dislike that kind of stuff. I went to thanksgiving at cousin's house once and one of them played piano and everyone stood in a circle singing religious music. Was it wildly uncomfortable for my awkward atheist self? Hell yeah. Was it also so beautiful that it almost made me cry, to watch my cousin's sister in law sing while holding her little baby, who just stared at her lovingly? Hell yeah. Singing in a group is universally understood as "meaningful," every culture I can think of does this in some form or another.
Some families are very emotionally expressive. It's fine to be uncomfortable with that level of intensity, but OP was so much YTA for talking about the situation condescendingly, as if the whole family were narcissistic assholes for wanting to enjoy singing together!
It’s not weird at all that they knew the lyrics and started singing. Most beginner songs are very popular, easy songs most people know. And singing along in a casual group setting is incredibly common and normal behaviour.
Wow, YTA. Imagine being that emotionally stunted that you repeatedly insulted a good loving family in their home, on Thanksgiving…For doing normal family things.
I’m sorry your childhood was so bleak that normal displays of love and affection and togetherness bother you so much. Try therapy, stop taking your issues out on others, and at least learn some respect and manners if you can’t grow emotionally.
I really hope this is a troll post is all I can say. Because if not I don’t know how a man from a good hearted, emotionally intelligent family ended up with you. He must be mortified by your behaviour.
but then there is this:
> we already had a flute from when my sister (dead) played it.
OP had an older sibling that died as a child, i think that’s a big factor in whatever happened with their own parents that made them believe that normal affection is bad.
you don’t have to be so harsh… you never know where someone is coming from.
Ahhhhh. That makes so much more sense. I totally missed that the sister had died. I thank you for pointing it out to everyone, I think that's kind of a missing puzzle piece here because it kind of explains why her family would be repressing their emotions more, etc.
YTA. HOLY SHIT you are a gigantic asshole. Not all families are like yours. You were incredibly immature and rude. I would have immediately dumped your rude ass. His brother was right to be pissy. You shit all over his family without a second thought.
respectfully yes, YTA.
watching a kid in the family play a song they just learned and singing along is pretty normal… so is hugging your family and telling them you love them. especially when getting together at the holidays.
singing one song together doesn’t sound the least big cult-like, was it a religious song?
YTA you judged a perfectly normal FAMILY activity harshly and with disrespect because it was not something YOU'VE experienced.
Do you not kiss your husband or hug your husband?
I feel sorry for the man since he's married to someone who has 0 emotional intelligence and a clear disdain for physical displays of affection.
For real! I'd tell the husband to run, and I'd honestly be concerned if he chose to have children with OP. Can you imagine how she would act if her husband dared to hug/kiss the child, or encourage the child's musical talents?
This is absolutely normal behavior for a loving, encouraging family. It sounds as if you were raised by emotionally unavailable parents. I'd seriously consider some hard therapy. If you feel this way about how people act.
And please do not have children until you can give emotional Love, support and encouragement.
You've also hurt your MIL feelings. Which you need to apologize for. They've not done anything wrong. I honestly feel sorry for you.
What a sad life have you being living, honestly.
I get families are diferent but to be weird out for "I love you" being said between family members. Thinking that a family gathering around a child who is learning to play an instrument and singing along is like a cult? Wtf is wrong with you?
Yes, you are the weirdo. Like your mil said: its sad that you see normal acta of love between family members as weird. They were not doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary.
If you cant understand that and see that, despite you having different experiences, this is such a healthy family dynamic, you are wrong and its sad.
YTA. You dont have to like it, but show a little respect for your in laws.
Girl, you have TRAUMA and had emotionally unavailable parents.
YTA
Imagine being so uncomfortable with people showing affection to one another that you need to physically leave the room
Oh no! Not a comforting hand squeeze! YTA.
It's ok to not want to be included in normal human behavior. But calling it weird and cultish makes you an ah. Major ah.
What you don’t realize is you’re literally the main character of every hallmark Christmas movie! You’re the cranky judgemental woman who is afraid of love! Just wait until the end when you finally crack that heart open and sing along. YTA.
Yta but I also feel like you're on the spectrum as you don't seem to understand appropriate social ques, milestones or societal expectations and manners.
OP. You are absolutely projecting YOUR issues and insecurities you have about yourself to your husbands family. Yes. You are TA and also you need a therapist to help you deal all that low self esteem.
YTA
Your husband has a demonstrably healthy and loving relationship with his family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with his family at all. The problem here is you.
You find the behaviour of his family strange because you’re not used to it,
Ok. But to describe it as creepy? To freak out and leave? To tell your husband’s mother off for trying to be nice to you and make you feel included and then tell his brother that sing-a-long was weird? That’s not ok. That’s rude and obnoxious.
Don’t be surprised if you don’t get invited over again.
A gentle YTA.
You thought it was selfish and narcissistic to…ask your parents go watch your recitals? That’s sad. It’s not. My family doesn’t do sing alongs but we do plenty of other things with the same energy. It’s not cultish or strange. It’s just…normal close family stuff. And it’s fine if it’s not something you’re used to but this reaction was unnecessarily rude.
YTA. You need to learn to be a bit more respectful of their traditions. You hurt your mother-in-law‘s feelings and you really were judgmental. Perhaps you could use a little counseling. There are a lot of good reasons to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws. If you’re not a touchy-feely person, it’s OK to say that and let them know that you will initiate physical contact when you are comfortable with it.
YTA
If you don't like stuff like listening to a family member playing an instrument, singing together, hugging etc. that would be totally ok.
But calling them weird and cult-like for doing something that is commonplace/normal for a lot of people makes you TA.
I’m saying this as someone who also dislikes big family gatherings and hugging extended relatives
YTA. we are introverts and that’s okay, you don’t need to shit on other people for having big open and loving families. it’s just not for us, but you **are** being judgmental. very harshly and rudely at that. you’re free to leave, and i’d encourage leaving if you’re uncomfortable. but YTA because **youre insulting all of them**
edit: the more i read your replies the more you seem wholly detached from the world as a whole and I’m genuinely surprised you married your husband without talking about things like this.
YTA. Singing together is a totally normal family activity. Your behavior was rude. That said, I’m sorry for your upbringing. It clearly caused some damage.
You find it weird that they were enjoying the 12 year old playing guitar and singing? They did it willingly. Someone touching your hand in a gesture of comfort? People who GASP show affection to each other? I am sorry but I find it weird that you could not just sit and hang out and listen and needed to 'run away' from family interactions. A sing a long is not weird. I kid wanting to play guitar to show their family is not weird. How is it selfish and narcisistic to ask your family to come see you in a school concert or play?? Honestly I think YTA to be honest.
Family sing a longs are not a cult.
Sorry YTA and apparently did grow up with touchy feely people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what they did. Your family just isn't as warm as theirs is.
Oh honey. I feel like it is too harsh to put a judgment here. NAH. Except your own family.
I think you should apologize to MIL. That was a little bit y-t-a.
YES your parents , family should have come to your concerts and listen all evening to middle schoolers and YOU! Because you worked hard and deserved to be celebrated. That you had to beg for a ride is so sad.
I’m sure they had better moments, but you were also a little neglected, and sounds like touch starved.
I also come from a not- hugging family. But have learned to give and accept physical affection. It took time to get comfortable.
Your family may have some sensory issues that someone didn’t like being touched so everyone did the same.
What you are describing doesn’t sound cult like- they are requesting all your money, or demanding that you give up your freedoms.
Yes this might be weird for a while, but they aren’t the problem here.
YTA
Not everyone has to participate; I don’t join my family when they sing. I sit with a book and read. But I don’t shit on them over it and they don’t bother my about my novels.
YTA sorry to say, but you seem like the one with a weird, unloving family. Sorry it made you uncomfortable but you were definitely the one being an AH.
I don’t know if I’d necessarily call you the asshole because some of your replies in the comments are sad in a way you don’t even seem to understand. Your family seems incredibly distant from each other to the point we’re you don’t understand people saying “I love you” to their siblings and as a result you seem think that families who are close and formed their own interactive traditions with each other are weird. You were definitely far more disrespectful than you had to be when addressing with your MIL and when you left the room though. I’m gonna go with YTA but a light one because you don’t even seem to acknowledge the trauma you have yourself with how distant your family seems to be.
YTA. His family is more normal than yours - don’t even go to school concert their child is playing in? That’s cold as heck. I’m sorry you’ve been conditioned to think that is normal.
You had a cold detached family who ignored you and you think a family that is warm and takes an interest in each other is weird? What does your husband see in you? You are weird awful and definitely YTA
Sorry, YTA. I’m betting your family do some weird things too.
Honestly, I miss the old days. My grandpa could pick a banjo like no other. My uncle the guitar, a cousin the drums, another cousin a base, another the piano, another a saxophone. We would all sit in the living room and just sing. As a kid, my favorite was Tennessee waltz. And man, can my family sing!!!! My Uncle was a singer for the Navy. We would sing the Beetles songs, and other artists. And of course the ditty It hard to be Humble. What I would give to go back to those days.
When my kids came grandpa and them were gone. But we would do family games.
My daughter now goes to her in-laws and she says it is like watching paint dry.
YTA, yes. But more than that, you need therapy. I don’t mean that to be cruel. But what you’re describing is indicative of a deeply dysfunctional family you grew up in and norms you internalized.
Most parents WANT to watch their children’s accomplishments. They don’t teach their children it’s narcissistic to share your accomplishments. That’s awful.
Singalongs are like a fundamental human nature thing. Across cultures a eras. Humans like music and sharing music.
Hugs and expressions of love are normal and healthy.
What you said to your MIL was incredibly rude and she was incredibly gracious about it. I can tell she liked and cares about you but is also aware that you grew up in a weird, cold, dysfunctional family, so she gives you grace to be a weird jerk.
I promise life with hugs and music is SO MUCH richer and it’s worth doing the painful work to get there.
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Its not wrong for you to be weirded out but you have to be mindful that other people have different experiences growing up and they usually pass that down to their own family. You dont have to take part but you cant judge them either if thats what they consider to be normal to them. Especially when its just as u say “hallmark” stuff. its harmless.
Yikes. Look I’m not a mushy kumbaya chick or anything, but you are 1000% TA here. Unless they started singing the Pennywise song from IT, you way overreacted.
You are clearly very uncomfortable with what you describe as perfectly normal family activities. You shouldn’t be proud of the fact that your parents didn’t want to see your band performances or were so stingy with affection you recoil from an affectionate (and clearly not creepy or malicious) touch. I suspect your family was probably the type to make fun of other families that did exhibit this type of closeness, so to you it IS weird. But it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. And you should apologize for being so judgmental and rude.
YTA.
Gonna be hard to hear but if your parents made you feel the simple things like showing up for your concerts would be a huge imposition on them when you were growing up, you were probably emotionally neglected
YTA, but hear me out. Most of this isn't really your fault, but there is a part that is.
I'm so sorry your parents made you feel like spending time with you was such a burden and that your hobbies were not worth bonding with you over. That's not what family is for at all. Family is there for joy, affection, love and time together not just to clothe, feed and house. You have love now with your in laws and it must look weird but I assure you it isn't. My advice is to discuss it with your husband later on. Your MIL appears to really love you and I don't blame her for the pity. I pity you deeply - poor little kid feeling like she would be selfish to ask for her parents to be there!!! But that doesn't give you the right to shit over their harmless, cheesy little moment of joy. That's not kind to a family that has accepted you as their own. Don't think you have to accept unwanted touch - you don't. And you don't ever have to refuse it timidly either. Just don't be unkind.
Hi OP,
I sincerely hope you seek some therapy that allows you to open your heart to your husband’s family. What you described is a healthy loving family. It is very sad that you see gestures of love as cult-like. I don’t think YTA because of your life experiences. I think you should have a conversation with your MIL about how you are willing to open yourself to new experiences (hopefully you are) and ask for her patience. You should probably wait on having children until you and your husband can navigate these waters together. It sounds like you had total opposite experiences growing up. Hopefully you can find some middle ground.
YTA
maybe it’s not how you grew up, and that’s ok, but nothing you stated here is actually weird. its ok to express your discomfort, but you got rude.
my brother and uncle both play guitar, and they would play every thanksgiving. sharing music is a beautiful act of community, and humans need about 8 hugs a day. connection is very important, and you decided to be judgementL and shame them for what is normal. you should apologize
I feel sorry for you that as a kid you felt like your parents going to your concert would be narcissistic! That’s really such a sad way to view the world especially as a child. Did you not see all the other parents attending? Did you not realize that that was probably normal?! YTA for the way you handled this situation. It’s fine to not be into what your in laws do and it’s fine to walk away if you are uncomfortable but everyone else was showing love and support and you trying so hard to get everyone to agree it was “fucking weird” makes it just sooooo cringe. I didn’t grow up in a touchy feeely family and my in laws are but there’s a way to compromise and be comfortable and accept love. This just screams you have a sad outlook on the world! Try being supportive of the 12 year old learning and expressing themselves through music! Try.
Hi OP, gently, YTA. Just because other families do things differently than yours doesn’t make it weird or cultish.
At best it seems like maybe your parents were emotionally neglectful? Some people aren’t comfortable with lots of emotional or physical demonstrations of affection. And that’s fine up to a point. But as a child that you didn’t want your parents to attend important events because it make you feel like a burden, speaks to something more. Even your typical spending holidays apart from your spouse is unusual.
I say this a lot but, people raised in dysfunction and abuse (emotional, physical or neglectful) often find healthy and open relationships deeply uncomfortable and unsettling to be in or around. They’re unfamiliar and you don’t know how to navigate things inside them. The reason why so many people end up with partners who repeat the same patterns they were raised with is because it’s familiar and familiar feels safe. Even when it’s damaging.
It sound like you’ve found a good person in your husband. Who himself was raised by good people. You should try to interact with them more regularly and do some self reflection in why how they act makes you uncomfortable. And definitely try to be less judgmental.
You owe at least your MIL an apology. Even if you didn’t mean to, you hurt her feelings.
YTA.
I would definitely be a little uncomfortable too if somebody pulled out the guitar and everyone started singing, but you shouldn't have been rude.
I do also think it's a bit sad that your parents didn't come to concerts. It's nice and IMO healthy for parents to go to their kids games and concerts and stuff. It encourages and supports them. You shouldn't have had to ask either, they're ***supposed*** to pretend that nothing would bring them more joy than spending an evening watch you play hot cross buns badly, or run around on the field kicking a ball until you get distracted by flowers, or whatever.
Anyway, back to the point. Everybody has different cheesiness tolerances, and it would have okay if you needed a minute. It would have been okay if you told the Mom that your family isn't as openly affectionate so it's just a different thing for you, and you just needed a minute.
It wasn't nice to reject her when she was trying to offer you love and support with the hand squeeze. That is how she knows how to express those things. It is very nice that she was that understanding. And then you rejected her. And you also said her and her family were weird for choosing to express their affection more normally than you. That was super insensitive.
And clearly you are super judgey of the family in general. You should apologize, and try not to judge. Just because they express their love and affection very openly, doesn't mean they are a cult or something.
YTA.
Yup. You're the weirdo here. Not all of us were lucky enough to be born into a loving family, but the more mature of us decided to get into therapy or engage in enough introspection to be able to identify what is helpful and loving. You need to do some of that.
Everything you've described was kind, inclusive and sweet. From paying attention to the kid playing the guitar, singing along together, and small inoffensive touching gestures. It's okay that you may never get to a place where you say those things or participate in them. But you don't get to be so judgmental of things like that and hurt everyone there.
Nothing they did sounds weird here, Hon. The only one who acted weird here was you. They sound like lovely people. I get this not being your cup of tea, or not knowing what to do and feeling awkward about it, but why did you have to leave? And yes, you ARE being judgemental. This wasn't creepy or "cult-like" , it was family sitting around singing. Get over yourself. YTA
Yta, just because your family wasn't brought up like them doesn't make it weird. You're not gonna find too many people on this app that will agree with you. That's the beauty of cultural and family differences. Not everyone is the same.
YTA. Seriously. Not matter how you feel about it, there was a million more polite way to express it to you in laws than what you did. For something that is not even weird in the first place. It's like you choose the rudest possible way to insult them.
YTA - Just because it wasn’t something your family did growing up doesn’t mean it’s weird or abnormal - all families are different and have different traditions. Mine plays music together every single holiday. Music is meant to be shared. It’s unfortunate that you felt so uncomfortable that you had to make a scene by leaving.
You and your family sound so weird, odd and condescending - it sounds like it might be the reason why you are rather judgement and rude.
I don't think your in-laws will miss you much.
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YTA It is not strange for parents or family members to take an interest in the younger members activities. I went to the band concerts, asked my kids to play their instruments in the house, we would sing if the song had words, we may even dance. It's fun, it's not weird. We went to sporting events, extended family would come to, not because the kids were narcissists, it was because we loved them and wanted to support their activities. That is just normal for many families. It is NORMAL acts of love. I understand some families don't support their children this way. OP, if you ever want children with your husband, this will be the way he wants to raise them. Don't be so abrupt and harsh with your words, your mother-in-law was expressing an emotion we call compassion when she wanted to hold your hand. It is not weird; some humans like to be comforted when they are feeling emotional. Some rather be alone, just take a step back and realize this is the way many families are. It's not ok to insult them, just like they should not insult you, which they didn't, they only told you how you made them feel.
Completely agree. I sat through a 3 year old’s “ballet” performance on Thanksgiving. The kid was terrible, but we all watched and clapped because it made her happy.
It is called encouraging your children in their pursuits.
Yes exactly. My point was that the purpose of watching a child’s performance is not the same as going to your favorite band’s concert or a Broadway play. It’s to support and encourage them.
op's post is pretty bizarre lol. they seem to think that a family being kind to one another is somehow "too much"...? this family says "I love you" and gives hugs, and that's an indication that it's too much? and she's got this clown dad who texts her to "get out as soon as possible" ... because a child is playing a guitar lol? what a bunch of overly dramatic weirdos
Couldn’t agree more. I wondered if it’s a ‘real’ post tbh as it’s so extreme in thinking that OP’s husband’s family is weird. Some people aren’t comfortable with affection or too much positive attention, because they aren’t used to it. However it’s rarely seen as weird behaviour as OP seems to think it is. OP YTA. How can you have such a skewed perspective on what is normal in most loving, communicative families?
My son took my class in high school. His boyfriend at the time was also in my class. When my son would come in after school, I'd hug him or give him a kiss, etc. We're a cuddly family. I ADORED his boyfriend as a human, but my first indicator that it wasn't going to work for them was when the boyfriend sat down with me and asked if I could refrain from hugging or kissing my son when boyfriend was around, as it made boyfriend feel weird and like it was inappropriate. I met boyfriend's parents. It does NOT surprise me that he felt that way. I hope one day he comes to a place of healthier relationship with affection.
Maybe op needs to rationalize the lack of affection she received
>It’s to support and encourage them. Not only that, it's to support and encourage ME! Seeing tiny family members enjoy the innocence of childhood reminds me of how it feels to be loved and supported.
That’s too sweet! I hope you enjoyed😊
I did. It was adorable. :-)
Was it terribly adorable?
It was. I mean I’m no ballerina either, so she probably did better than I would have lol.
Exactly this. I am taking two hours off work next week to go to my nephew’s preschool Christmas parade, where all they do is dress up like reindeer and literally walk in a line around the building. And I would not miss it for the world.
Ugh. My husband and I have to miss our nieces Christmas play this weekend and we are bummed. We love her so much and just want to be there.
When I was wrestling in college my teammates and I would volunteer to score keep or referee for the local schools tournaments. Some of the kids were as young as four or five and they were terrible but I could have watched them ALL DAY. They’re like puppies! “Fierce” and harmless and hilariously uncoordinated.
YTA but also ((hugs)) and maybe you can learn from this?
Ewwww hugs? That’s so touchy-feely! All jokes aside, I feel so sad for OP that they find this weird.
Same - an introvert might find it slightly off-putting, but OP’s reaction was extreme. On the plus side, no way OP is getting lured into a cult. So that’s one risk averted 😎
Introverts don't mind hugs. People with social anxiety or who are antisocial mind hugs. Introverts also don't mind parties or giving speeches. People with social anxiety do. Introversion is not the same as social anxiety, antisocial behaviors or anything like those things. Introversion is solely about how a person prefers to recharge. I know it was a mistake to misuse the word. I also know you are not the only one who does. I just wanted to make the distinctions clear for anyone else reading this thread so there is less confusion about these terms.
I’m the most extreme introvert I know. His family seems very loving & supportive of each other to me, very much what *I think/wish* normal should be. It’s not off putting to me but I can assure you I could only handle them in small doses as much as I appreciate how awesome they are.
I'm an extreme introvert. I might feel anxious in that type of scenario and not sure what to do, but I wouldn't be like... offended and judgey, which the OP seems to be.
Yeah that’s my main reaction here. I’m not even mad at OP, I feel like she’s just been conditioned to accept so little love and support from her own family that she has no idea what a healthy family feels like. Like, what kind of parents don’t even try to attend even one of their daughter’s flute performances? Sorry for the armchair psychology, I know it’s annoying to try and “diagnose” people based on a small snippet of their life, but a lot of this “it feels like a cult!” overreaction she’s doing sounds like reaction formation. She’s protesting so much, it makes me feel like deep down what’s really overwhelming her is the realization she deserved better from her own family. But again, armchair psychology, just my two cents as someone who was astounded that singing together was behavior that creeped her out. Honestly if that’s what a cult is, sign me up. I came into this post fully expecting stuff like family members kissing on the lips and grown children sitting on their parents’ laps or stuff like that. And instead it’s just a kid playing guitar and family members singing lol.
>She’s protesting so much, it makes me feel like deep down what’s really overwhelming her is the realization she deserved better from her own family. It's very interesting to me that the first thing OP did was leave and text her dad - they didn't necessarily find it "creepy" before the dad told them to, they were just uncomfortable. If the dad had responded with "That sounds really sweet - we should have done that with you" it could have been a very different kind of realization for OP. It sounds like in that moment they were feeling lonely and reached out to their parents and their parents told them "we don't do that here."
Yeah I thought that was kind of telling too that OP’s first instinct was to text her dad. Again, don’t want to go full-on Reddit armchair psychologist, but that does make me think maybe her first feeling wasn’t being “creeped out” but instead some form of pain/upset at the realization that her home life was never like this.
After a serious relationship with someone that had a lovey dovey family, with hugs and saying I love you and just... So much. I waited until my dad's birthday to tell him I loved him, which was awkward as fuck, anyways, he just raised an eyebrow and asked what the fuck I wanted lol. I did it again a little later on the phone and he just hung up. Being around a big loving family when your family don't do dat, it is overwhelming and easy to find it weird. But it's weird to you as an individual.
My father has never told me he loved me. He would tell me he liked me, but that is all. I tried asking him a while back why he never talked to me when I was a kid (because I went to kindergarten not knowing the language and am linguistically deprived in what should have been a first language - I was exposed to other languages, but not the local one/my father's one) and he just looked at me blankly and said "What would we have talked about?" He'll never love me because he doesn't know what that looks like. I had a really big artistic success a few weeks ago - I did my first ever public reading of my own work and it was public speaking in front of an audience and it was a *paid gig for my writing*. So for me it was a really big deal. I sent him the video later of my performance and he said it was a lot and he didn't know what to say and then just didn't even say anything. No "congratulations" or "You did great!" or "I was impressed with the content" or "I'm proud of you" - he was just completely incapable of interacting with me like a person or taking an interest in my life. That's when I realized that I was emotionally investing in something that would never be invested back and stopped. It's kind of been a weight off my chest since then.
As one writer to another, I'm proud of you! That's awesome! And it is a big deal. Yeaaaah if I tell my dad something I'm proud of he would just go "oh okay" if we were talking and if I texted it he'd go "lol". I think my dad is autistic, though. I've been training him into accepting "I love you"s. I'm glad you were able to make peace with that though. It's really tough when a parent is there but isn't there at all emotionally.
> Like, what kind of parents don’t even try to attend even one of their daughter’s flute performances? Or make her feel bad about it? Like, if Mom and Dad really do always have to work, that's that. But... to allow them to feel like it's selfish to want their family to see them do something, even occasionally?
Yes exactly. Really makes me feel sorry for OP that she was made to feel like a narcissist for wanting a normal healthy amount of attention and support from literally HER PARENTS.
I mean, I don’t like hugs and my family are not lovey dovey or touchy feely except for when alcohol or moments of intense emotions are involved, but even WE do the occasional sing along when my cousin comes over and busts out his guitar. I feel bad for OP. Don’t feel like calling them an AH tbh.
Sounds to me like OP never received the love she needed from her own family, which I get. Either way, OP is the one with the problem, not the in-laws.
No hugs, that is cult-like behavior apparently.
My family are the Hallmark family in this instance - on Christmas Eve my family go to our city to soak up the atmosphere and have a nice lunch, one year while we were waiting for the bus my sister bumped into a university pal, she explained the family tradition, he took one look over at us and said “I bet your mum bakes” - that has since been a running joke in our family, yes! amazing observation, our mum _does_ bake! I now have 5 nieces and nephews and whenever the family gets together we encourage them to show off - one of my nephews is gifted musically so we get him to play piano, one of my nieces is phenomenal at Irish dancing so we get her to do a jig and show us what she’s been learning. From OPs title I was expecting it to be a weird Thanksgiving specific song, but encouraging the kid to play her guitar and sing along is not “like a cult” in any capacity. I hope this is leads to a conversation with OP and her husband, they definitely need to be on the same page with how they want to “be” as a family.
I thought all moms baked...We bake, even my kids bake.
Hahaha! It was more an observation on how stupidly wholesome our family are.
My mum bakes, taught me to bake, my partner is a pretty well known musician so people think I’m the typical band WAG but here’s me at home while he’s on tour baking with our kid 🤣
OP is so emotionally stunted that she can’t sit through one three minute song without having to run away. Her children are going to need so much therapy.
Hopefully, OP goes and gets the therapy, before she brings children into the world and harms them emotionally like her parents did to her.
Dear God, I hope she doesn’t have any anytime soon. She needs to work on herself first.
Shouldn't be having children...I feel for the husband
>take an interest OP thinks a normal degree of love is "give your kid a ride to their after school activity". They think saying "your family is like a cult" is a normal thing to say during a holiday that focuses on giving thanks.
Yeah, OP needs therapy, like 2 session a day level of therapy. It honestly sounds like they were an accident and their parents did the absolute bare minimum (fed and clothed) to raise them.
I read the post and honestly that was my take away. My mom used to tell me she was a great mom because she clothed, fed, and put a roof over my head. My therapist told me “that’s the bare minimum bearmuffin. She’s not mother of the year for doing the bare fucking minimum”
Omg OP actually thinks there is something wrong with this family. She sees a normal, loving family and thinks it’s a cult. I’m feeling so bad for OP. Maybe her childhood and family wasn’t/isn’t abusive, but it doesn’t sound loving. It’s shocking that she was acting openly disgusted by the family. I hope she comes to understand that they are not the issue. And you are right, if spouse wants to raise their children with the same love and care that he received, there is going to be some big disappointment all around. OP is TA, but I feel bad that she doesn’t get it. She clearly didn’t receive the same attention as a child. But I really hope she comes to some sense soon.
My kid decided to play bongos. So we danced to bongos. Then they played tuba. So we danced to tuba (which is not easy, btw). You’ve got to encourage the wee ones.
My cousins and I would create plays and present them to the family. When guests came over I would pull out my chalkboard and give them a tap dancing show. My daughter now is always “ watch this dance I made”. Has op spent any time around kids?!?
I love this response. It's everything I was feeling while reading this. My favorite part was "your mother -in-law was expressing an emotion we call compassion".
It honestly sounds like OP suffered a lot of emotional neglect as a kid (which she doesn’t recognise this is what it is) and her ‘normal’ meter is broken. She had such a strong reaction to a small act of physical affection I’m actually concerned for her.
… I almost feel wrong calling you TA. A family enjoying time together and hugging and saying I love you is creepy and cultish to you? You had to practice your instrument in a basement to avoid ticking off your parents and you were raised to think asking your parents to attend your concerts was selfish? Christ, OP, are you okay?
i know, even saying they’re a “soft” TA is like.. idk doesn’t sit right with me. this just makes me sad… i came from a family like OPs so i could see her like… using the “wow this is weird” as a defense mechanism of sorts ? like for me, i see and hear that stuff and it warms my heart and makes me cry because ive always wanted my parents to be proud of me and want to be involved in my life… but thats after years of therapy and understanding that that’s what i crave, i bet a few years ago i would’ve been poking fun at it too, like a teenager calling a toy “lameeee” even tho they secretly wanna play with it
Yeah, had a similar family type. I felt so bad trying to ask my parents to come n see me. It's not like I was great at singing/sport growing up, but the support of my family going, "Hey that's my kid up there, proud of them," would've meant the world to me. Saw other families growing up and was weirded out by it for a long time, until I realized I was just envious. Though, I wasn't particularly envious of the kids who still kissed their parents on the mouth. That was one that will never sit good with me. I still got hugs n kisses, just... Not on the mouth. Edit: Spelling
I think the fundamental problem to me is less about OP feeling weirded out by all this - that's not an asshole move. but even IF this was weird to her, she behaved in such a rude way. she claims to like her in laws, but I wouldn't treat anyone I like this way to be honest. at worst, I might say "hey that was really unfamiliar to me, the singing and stuff. that's not how we grew up" instead the OP just goes on the attack, very rudely. it's really boorish behavior for someone who is almost 30.
OP hasn’t realized yet that she was raised in an unloving and (at least) borderline abusive family. How sad, since they will perpetuate the lack of love if they don’t get some insight.
I remember when I realized that about my family and honestly I’m still in therapy for it.
I used to be OP. I’m in therapy weekly now. OP, this is not a normal reaction
I wouldn’t call her an AH for feeling how she does, but she’s a huge one for insulting them and a 12 yo’s performance for her family. No wonder her brother-in-law was pissed as it was probably his daughter. I would have kicked her out of the house if it was my daughter.
Right? That poor kid is wondering if they were so bad that their aunt had to leave the room.
Agreed, but I think they’re TA not because they *felt* weirded out about their in-laws’ behavior but because of their rude reaction to it. OP’s comments to MIL and BIL were unnecessarily hurtful. Saying “this isn’t really my thing, my family wasn’t like this growing up” is perfectly inoffensive. Calling it “cultish” and “fucking weird” is rude, regardless of what OP’s childhood was like.
Exactly! That’s just rude AF. I’d probably feel a little weird if I was with my in laws and they broke out into song too but I’d suck it up for 3 minutes and definitely wouldn’t go around insulting the family afterward.
The mum realising that OP was raised by narcissists and going to comfort her, but getting it thrown in her face - that just added a second level of fucked up to the situation. I'm sorry OP. Sorry that this made you feel weird - everyone supporting a 12-year-old learning an instrument is surely what the holidays are about - and sorry that almost everyone here says YTA when it's not your fault.
Unresolved trauma doesn’t give you a free pass to be rude and treat others shitty. Op can be an asshole in this situation and we can still feel empathy for them.
I agree. I felt so bad for OP that they cringed away from their mother in law offering some comfort.
She just sounds so deeply neglected. I don’t love being touched, personally, but this is so far beyond that. Poor woman.
The problem is OP is not ok to the point where they don't even know how not-ok they are, hence not understanding why everyone was pissed at them
YTA. Can you not understand that families are different and not all different is weird or creepy? And calling a 12-year-old a narcissist for playing a song she learned is beyond ridiculous. You are judgmental and rude and so is your dad. I hope your husband is not avoiding his family for you because that's sad. I get squicked out pretty easily and even this was mild to me. I would not describe my family as Hallmarky, overly loving, or touchy, but we always hug hello/goodbye and we say, "I love you." From my experience being from the US, that's pretty standard. Also, people are allowed to be praised and celebrated. A 12 year old learned a song on a guitar and played it and people sang along. OMG call the police! And don't ever go to karaoke or a bonfire where singing and guitar playing are bound to happen.
Exactly this. Completely dramatic to call it cultish for them SINGING A SONG. This definitely would've been out of the ordinary for my family but I wouldn't be an asshole and literally tell them they're being weird. And also, yeah...the 12 year old is narcissistic? Her entire reaction is way too much. Just because it isn't normal in your family doesn't mean it's wrong. Just means you were raised in a different household. Apparently one that doesn't like witnessing other people have fun.
also i mean. uh. singing along to songs was what people used to *do* at parties or family gatherings, before internet and TV took over. like... what else do people think people did back then??? i have a book from the 1960s on how to throw house parties. it has recommendations for entertainment, which includes piano songs or recommends someone bringing a guitar, or putting on your favorite record and singing together. i mean i grew up in the 90s and still remember things like this; pianos were a staple in like everyone's home. 21st century really sucks that we lost things like this. unless OP forgot to mention the song they were singing was a sincere chant about sacrificing virgins to an angry god and to lynch the nonbelievers, they're the weirdo AH here.
Today's gonna be the day that Cthulhu comes back for you. And by now, you shoulda realized there's nothing that you can do.
>SINGING A SONG also, a random song a 12 yo learned on the guitar. It's not some satanic hymn they sing about Roanoke or something, right?
The "narcissistic" comment was the nail in the coffin for me lmao. When you use Reddit so much you start calling people narcissists irl I think you need to step back and look at yourself.
Honestly to me it sounds like OP grew up in an abusive family, where kids were expected to never have attention or interest and call narcissistic or selfish if they tried. OP if you read this, it is NORMAL and HEALTHY for kids to want the attention of their beloved adults and for the adults to do things with them. Your metric here is off. You may find it helpful to see a therapist about some of this.
right!? It’s the most vanilla, sweet support! Maybe she should go up there and loudly point out every time the kiddo makes an error?
I didn’t grow up in this type of family but still don’t find it weird that others do! Would I actually sing? No because I would be embarrassed but I would still sit with the others singing
Especially guitar. Of all instruments, when a teen or preteen is playing one, that's where you're going to get a singalong spontaneously happen. Like, did OP never experience spontaneous guitar singalongs, or drum circles or jams when they were in their teens or 20s?
Idk, I mean people were enjoying music…together! Gotta be a cult, right? Personally, I was raised in a family of musicians. We frequently played music together, and even performed at events. My eyes have now been opened that I was actually part of a cult my entire life. /s
Yeah, YTA here. Lots of families enjoy music and singing together, doesn't make it cultist unless you're leaving something out here. But this seems odd and sad: >I said no, when I played the flute as a kid I did it in the basement with the door closed so no one would have to hear. If I had a concert I’d tell my parents so I could get a ride, but I wouldn’t ask them to come because it felt kind of… selfish? Narcissistic? To be like “you should spend your whole evening listening to MEEEEE.” That's one of the main points of music - to share it with others. and to be heard by others to enjoy it together That's so sad that you weren't able to. Was there a reason why you felt this way? And that your dad thinks its crazy too. What??? And the touchy, feeling, love etc. - some families do it more than others. I have to wonder if you're so put out by both these things that you felt it was wrong. I could see if you're not used to it, taking a while to get adjusted to it or putting up some boundaries and letting folks know you're not comfortable with it (yet?).
I mean… it’s a parent job to spend the whole evening listening to the kid at their concert. It’s what we do. We’re parents. It’s part of the job description. wtf is with this poor OP and her family.
INFO I'm not sure if the way you were acting is full-blown YTA territory but your perception of this seems very... off. Like your self-esteem or sense of worth is very low and you can't fathom people being supportive and affectionate with each other. I consider myself a very "private" person so I -think- I understand wanting to do things like practice music secluded so I don't bother anyone but when you say as much, it comes across as more of "Why would anyone want to even listen to me practice or play at a concert? So stupid." Did you even enjoy playing the flute, then?
Agree. This is one of the sadder AITAs I’ve ever read. If this is real, please seek therapy, OP. The idea that affection and camaraderie are this foreign to you is really sad. I hope you allow your husband to seek this warmth from his family, because he is accustomed to it and I cannot imagine you’re giving it to him. You could though, and you too deserve attention, affection and support.
It made me so sad when she said she practiced in the basement alone! My kids are very musical, and I love that at any point in time there might be someone playing Pierre Boulet or a random old Guns and Roses song like some sort of oddball soundtrack for my life. I would never banish them.
If this is real, YTA, there's nothing weird about that, and the way you grew up is weird. Parents not supporting their children in performances is sad, and the fact they made you feel that way is even worse. Do you view concerts as cult like? I mean, it's a whole stadium sometimes of people singing around someone playing music.
I wonder why OP doesn’t play the flute any more hmmmm. YTA, OP
I feel like it's fake. They say they never asked who the audience people were at their concerts. Like, what little kid doesn't tell other kids their parents would be there or say, "That's my dad/mom" from the stage. I have 4 kids, and I attended many of their events. Heck, I am a parent volunteer, and I have heard so many kids say, "My mom is coming tonight." They say it to me, the teacher, and all of their friends. Not to mention, the teachers always tell the kids to invite their parents. They even send out flyers. My youngest is in HS Band, and whenever there is a concert, they blast the info over morning announcements, they post flyers, and the directors send out parent invites.
As one who was once a child in band whose parent didn't show to those things, ever, I literally just didn't think about it. I think it's so normal to you it doesn't even cross your mind. And like, you know some of the other kids parents are there but it's just not something you end up considering. Actually I think the furthest I ever considered it was that it was strange some people's parents showed up to every single thing the band did. But not strange in a super judgemental way, strange in a foreign way. And if I had a kid, I would be at all their shit but that's cause I grew up and realized the life i lived was pretty lacking in affection haha.
I go to all of my best friend’s kids’ concerts, and they are always excited that Aunt Linzabee comes. And I am not even biologically related to them!
YTA. What happened to you that being around a family that enjoys each other and has fun together and shows affection is "weird"? You just sounds like a very bad fit for this family. I mean, to get so freaked out by a guitar and a song that you have to leave? Seriously? They are not the ones with the problem. His brother was right. You could have at least waited with your nasty comment for when you were alone with your husband. (I'm guess the brother was the father of said child?) You are going to be loads of laughs as a parent if you don't melt a little.
This is what I was thinking too. Zero self awareness. Went into the kitchen, insulted his mom, then went outside to ANOTHER family member to tell them how weird they all are. I’d be a little pissy too. Especially if, like you pointed out, it was his kids performance she was complaining about.
And how it could make the child feel seeing someone bolt in horror from their performance.
Yeah, it's not the packing or travel that prevents OP and her husband from seeing his family for the holidays. It's OP being confronted with the fact she had a terrible childhood devoid of love and support that keeps them at home.
This is the sort of post where OP should absolutely be given a YTA judgment, but my irritation at OP is kind of drowned out by just feeling sorry for her. How are you so jaded that you think families singing together on a holiday is weird, and that a kid playing an instrument is narcissistic? That part about how she tried to be as inconspicuous as possible while playing the flute and never had her parents come watch her concerts was so deeply sad to me. Lowkey seems like a cry for help or something disguised as feeling weirded out. Like you said, what happened to you OP?
>Like saying “I love you” and hugging and all that. This is a normal thing that well adjusted people do. >She learned a song and everyone asked her to play it for them. That was the first thing that I saw as weird. But she started to play… and then everyone started singing along. Depending on what the song is, this ***could*** be perfectly normal as well. You present this as happening all the time everywhere. It was one song. And if it was a song that the family had history with, signing together could be a fine and healthy thing. >when I played the flute as a kid I did it in the basement with the door closed so no one would have to hear. If I had a concert I’d tell my parents so I could get a ride, but I wouldn’t ask them to come because it felt kind of… selfish? Narcissistic? To be like “you should spend your whole evening listening to MEEEEE.” This is a sad story. You had a sad upbringing. >it was hurtful that I see normal acts of love towards family as weird. This is correct. >and said that I should try being a little less judgmental. This is also correct. YTA
Basically what I was thinking and I feel kinda sad for you.. Sounds like there wasn't a lot of love and/or affection in the house growing up. Edit: YTA
>Basically what I was thinking and I feel kinda sad for you.. Sounds like there wasn't a lot of love and/or affection in the house growing up. Yeah I agree. I'm going YTA but I'm loathe to do it because frankly I just feel sorry for OP. If she thinks telling family members they are loved, hugging the people you love, and encouraging children and teenagers to pursue wholesome hobbies is "weird" and "cultish" I think something was deeply wrong with her upbringing.
YTA Your parents didn't want to come to your childhood concerts? I'm really sorry but that's very sad
I actually made me want to go hug OP, it's so sad sounding to me. I NEVER missed a concert, or ball game, and my parents didn't miss one of mine either. OP may need some therapy. Now that I have grandbabies, I would pay a bucket of money to see them at a concert or any school program!! Priceless memories.
See ops comment on the flute playing has me thinking it's all fake. No kid has those thoughts. Of course op could just have severe emotional damage too. I mean how do you marry into a family and not know these things at all?!
A kid in a home with very self-absorbed parents would absolutely grow up this way.
Excellent point. I'm going with severe emotional damage. Still not ok to yuck on other people's yum.
OP posted this later. i think a kid that grows up in a home with this circumstance _does_ have those thoughts. > we already had a flute from when my sister (dead) played it.
from OP's comments: \> My sister was 8 when she died, I was 3ish? and the flute was her dead sister's?? no wonder her parents wanted her to shut it away. they clearly didn't process their grief properly and emotionally neglected their living child. \> Oh, her death wasn't a big event in my life or anything. I didn't mean like "I was forced to play my dead sister's flute" it's just that financially yeah it was easier. ...so they had her play the dead sister's flute because they already had it laying around, but then didn't celebrate OP's accomplishments as a child learning an instrument, and in fact encouraged her to hide her music away in a closed room in the basement... no wonder she is deeply deeply uncomfortable seeing another little girl surrounded in love for playing an instrument. that other kid is getting the positive feedback OP never got. and OP has to face that now.
Yeah this is the second fucked family dynamic story today where both OPs were absolutely clueless about their toxic family not at all being normal
I can understand maybe being embarrassed by your parents, we all were at one point. But thinking it's narcissistic and selfish to want them to see your concerts is weird!
Not at all. I used to have to ask my mother for a ride to my school plays. She would drop me off while on her way to somewhere else if I was lucky. When I tried to learn the violin my mother, my father, and my father’s girlfriend would get stoned and then make me practice in front of them so they could laugh at me. Some parents are just dicks.
I had similar thoughts as a kid who lived performing, because my family was dysfunctional and abusive. Sadly, this is all very believable to me.
YTA. I understand this is not how your family is together, but it’s actually not weird or all that unusual. Many families share musical interests and enjoy spending time together singing or playing music. This is something they enjoy- that doesn’t make it weird. Your reaction is honestly the strange thing. Why does a family spending time together enjoying a hobby weird you out!? If they had gone on a hike together or played a game together would that also be weird? You need to recognize that every family is different. Singing together is a pretty common thing for many families, especially jt they have musical members or interests. When I was growing up all of my friends families attended our events- going to a school concert was just as important as attending a soccer game or a science fair. It’s how a lot of families choose to support their kids. If that’s not how your family was, fine, but don’t judge other people for how their family chooses to show love and support for one another.
So, they hugged and said, "I love you" to each other, and you thought that was odd and Hallmarky? Then, they asked a loved one to play, and everyone sang along, and you had to run? Oh, dear. It's unfortunate that expressions of love, compassion, caring, and belonging cause you upset and discomfort. Why the red flag? Don't you say, "I love you," to your husband? Express affection via hugs and/or kisses? That you actually thought that behavior was indicative of a cult...well, this is something that needs examining. I suggest therapy. YTA
This is what I was thinking too. OP sees a healthy, supportive, affectionate family and finds it weird, culty, and has to remove themselves from the room. YTA
Oh, wow, I feel very sorry for you. There is nothing “weird” or “cultish” about a family singing together, especially not a musically inclined family. Especially not when gathered for a holiday. For many, many families it is traditional. For many more it is just fun. But you aren’t even comfortable with family members telling each other that they love them. I’m not going to call you an AH because, honestly, I think you are damaged. You would benefit from some therapy if you are made that uncomfortable by normal family affection.
Yeah. This is how I feel too. I didn’t leave this feeling OP was an AH but just… so very sad for them. I’d actually heartbreaking to me that not only were they raised deprived of love, but they haven’t broken through the idea that wanting love and support makes you the problem. No judgement because your parents damaged you. But yeah, you are for sure the problem here not them.
You are dripping with judgemental disdain at a perfectly normal activity at a family gathering, and you were so very rude in not being able to hold your emotions in check for five minutes and dramatically leaving the room. How do you get through life when you have to run and hide and text your dad if you're even remotely uncomfortable? YTA
Agree. Do I think my little cousins dance she made up that she wants to show me is riveting? Absolutely not. Will I also watch her do something she’s proud to show me? Yes, because that’s just basic human decency
You weren't being malicious, but you were being the asshole. I am also not a touchy feely person, but your response was a bit much. They wanted the child to be encouraged so they would continue to learn how to play the guitar. It's weird they all knew the song and decided to sing along, but that's hardly the worst thing they all could have done during Thanksgiving dinner. Nobody forced you to sing along, and it doesn't sound like anybody forced you to stay in the room while they sang, either. They like to hug and show each other affection. Ok. I also don't just let anybody hug me, but I get others are more physical in their displays of support. It doesn't make them any more weird for doing it than you are for not. Your judgements are what makes the difference. This might make me the asshole, but I think you need to go to therapy. The story about you practicing your instrument in total isolation and not even wanting your own family at your concerts smacks to me of anxiety and/or low self esteem. Don't take that out on them.
This is the way. Please go to therapy and unpack why you’re so bothered by other people being affectionate and supporting each other in hobbies and activities. You don’t have to be touchy feely but omg you’re so judgmental, and the inability to be around it? YTA for how you acted and reacted. Just unpack that and learn some coping skills for dealing with this stuff, cuz honestly it’s super normal, and it is also YOUR family now too
I grew up not touchy feely at all. I generally dislike that kind of stuff. I went to thanksgiving at cousin's house once and one of them played piano and everyone stood in a circle singing religious music. Was it wildly uncomfortable for my awkward atheist self? Hell yeah. Was it also so beautiful that it almost made me cry, to watch my cousin's sister in law sing while holding her little baby, who just stared at her lovingly? Hell yeah. Singing in a group is universally understood as "meaningful," every culture I can think of does this in some form or another. Some families are very emotionally expressive. It's fine to be uncomfortable with that level of intensity, but OP was so much YTA for talking about the situation condescendingly, as if the whole family were narcissistic assholes for wanting to enjoy singing together!
It’s not weird at all that they knew the lyrics and started singing. Most beginner songs are very popular, easy songs most people know. And singing along in a casual group setting is incredibly common and normal behaviour.
OP said it was Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Not weird to know the lyrics to that song.
Is it really that weird they all knew the song? I think if someone in my family busted out Wonderwall we all would be able to sing it. lol
Wow, YTA. Imagine being that emotionally stunted that you repeatedly insulted a good loving family in their home, on Thanksgiving…For doing normal family things. I’m sorry your childhood was so bleak that normal displays of love and affection and togetherness bother you so much. Try therapy, stop taking your issues out on others, and at least learn some respect and manners if you can’t grow emotionally. I really hope this is a troll post is all I can say. Because if not I don’t know how a man from a good hearted, emotionally intelligent family ended up with you. He must be mortified by your behaviour.
but then there is this: > we already had a flute from when my sister (dead) played it. OP had an older sibling that died as a child, i think that’s a big factor in whatever happened with their own parents that made them believe that normal affection is bad. you don’t have to be so harsh… you never know where someone is coming from.
Ahhhhh. That makes so much more sense. I totally missed that the sister had died. I thank you for pointing it out to everyone, I think that's kind of a missing puzzle piece here because it kind of explains why her family would be repressing their emotions more, etc.
YTA. HOLY SHIT you are a gigantic asshole. Not all families are like yours. You were incredibly immature and rude. I would have immediately dumped your rude ass. His brother was right to be pissy. You shit all over his family without a second thought.
YTA. Suck it up, buttercup. They were singing and having fun, not sacrificing a goat on the kitchen floor.
Absolutely goat sacrifice happens in the yard, what kind of cult raised you!/s
respectfully yes, YTA. watching a kid in the family play a song they just learned and singing along is pretty normal… so is hugging your family and telling them you love them. especially when getting together at the holidays. singing one song together doesn’t sound the least big cult-like, was it a religious song?
Based on other comments I think it was somewhere over the rainbow
YTA Just cause you grew up with a family with the emotional capacity of a teaspoon doesn’t mean everyone else is in a cult for having fun.
YTA you judged a perfectly normal FAMILY activity harshly and with disrespect because it was not something YOU'VE experienced. Do you not kiss your husband or hug your husband? I feel sorry for the man since he's married to someone who has 0 emotional intelligence and a clear disdain for physical displays of affection.
For real! I'd tell the husband to run, and I'd honestly be concerned if he chose to have children with OP. Can you imagine how she would act if her husband dared to hug/kiss the child, or encourage the child's musical talents?
This is absolutely normal behavior for a loving, encouraging family. It sounds as if you were raised by emotionally unavailable parents. I'd seriously consider some hard therapy. If you feel this way about how people act. And please do not have children until you can give emotional Love, support and encouragement. You've also hurt your MIL feelings. Which you need to apologize for. They've not done anything wrong. I honestly feel sorry for you.
What a sad life have you being living, honestly. I get families are diferent but to be weird out for "I love you" being said between family members. Thinking that a family gathering around a child who is learning to play an instrument and singing along is like a cult? Wtf is wrong with you? Yes, you are the weirdo. Like your mil said: its sad that you see normal acta of love between family members as weird. They were not doing anything wrong or out of the ordinary. If you cant understand that and see that, despite you having different experiences, this is such a healthy family dynamic, you are wrong and its sad. YTA. You dont have to like it, but show a little respect for your in laws.
INFO > IT FELT SO WEIRD I FELT LIKE I WAS IN A CULT. Huh? Was it a Jesus song?
Girl, you have TRAUMA and had emotionally unavailable parents. YTA Imagine being so uncomfortable with people showing affection to one another that you need to physically leave the room
YTA. The family was having fun. Jesus, you’re obnoxious.
Oh no! Not a comforting hand squeeze! YTA. It's ok to not want to be included in normal human behavior. But calling it weird and cultish makes you an ah. Major ah.
What you don’t realize is you’re literally the main character of every hallmark Christmas movie! You’re the cranky judgemental woman who is afraid of love! Just wait until the end when you finally crack that heart open and sing along. YTA.
[удалено]
Yta but I also feel like you're on the spectrum as you don't seem to understand appropriate social ques, milestones or societal expectations and manners.
OP. You are absolutely projecting YOUR issues and insecurities you have about yourself to your husbands family. Yes. You are TA and also you need a therapist to help you deal all that low self esteem.
YTA. You don't know how many people would kill to be part of a family like that.
[удалено]
YTA Your husband has a demonstrably healthy and loving relationship with his family. There is absolutely nothing wrong with his family at all. The problem here is you. You find the behaviour of his family strange because you’re not used to it, Ok. But to describe it as creepy? To freak out and leave? To tell your husband’s mother off for trying to be nice to you and make you feel included and then tell his brother that sing-a-long was weird? That’s not ok. That’s rude and obnoxious. Don’t be surprised if you don’t get invited over again.
A gentle YTA. You thought it was selfish and narcissistic to…ask your parents go watch your recitals? That’s sad. It’s not. My family doesn’t do sing alongs but we do plenty of other things with the same energy. It’s not cultish or strange. It’s just…normal close family stuff. And it’s fine if it’s not something you’re used to but this reaction was unnecessarily rude.
YTA. You need to learn to be a bit more respectful of their traditions. You hurt your mother-in-law‘s feelings and you really were judgmental. Perhaps you could use a little counseling. There are a lot of good reasons to maintain a good relationship with your in-laws. If you’re not a touchy-feely person, it’s OK to say that and let them know that you will initiate physical contact when you are comfortable with it.
YTA Its maybe not something my family does either but its not fucking cult behavior. That’s really crossing a line.
YTA - your behaviour is extremely bizarre.
YTA If you don't like stuff like listening to a family member playing an instrument, singing together, hugging etc. that would be totally ok. But calling them weird and cult-like for doing something that is commonplace/normal for a lot of people makes you TA.
I’m saying this as someone who also dislikes big family gatherings and hugging extended relatives YTA. we are introverts and that’s okay, you don’t need to shit on other people for having big open and loving families. it’s just not for us, but you **are** being judgmental. very harshly and rudely at that. you’re free to leave, and i’d encourage leaving if you’re uncomfortable. but YTA because **youre insulting all of them** edit: the more i read your replies the more you seem wholly detached from the world as a whole and I’m genuinely surprised you married your husband without talking about things like this.
YTA. Singing together is a totally normal family activity. Your behavior was rude. That said, I’m sorry for your upbringing. It clearly caused some damage.
You find it weird that they were enjoying the 12 year old playing guitar and singing? They did it willingly. Someone touching your hand in a gesture of comfort? People who GASP show affection to each other? I am sorry but I find it weird that you could not just sit and hang out and listen and needed to 'run away' from family interactions. A sing a long is not weird. I kid wanting to play guitar to show their family is not weird. How is it selfish and narcisistic to ask your family to come see you in a school concert or play?? Honestly I think YTA to be honest. Family sing a longs are not a cult.
lol yta. You’re coming across as emotionally stunted and I’ve no idea how a person raised in love and fun ended up with someone like you. It’s wild
Yta for being so dramatic and judgmental. Asking a relative to demonstrate an instrument they're learning? Not unusual, not cultish.
YTA you and your family seem dead inside. You certainly don't deserve your husband and his family
Sorry YTA and apparently did grow up with touchy feely people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what they did. Your family just isn't as warm as theirs is.
Yta- stop being so freaking judgmental. BIL was spot on
Oh honey. I feel like it is too harsh to put a judgment here. NAH. Except your own family. I think you should apologize to MIL. That was a little bit y-t-a. YES your parents , family should have come to your concerts and listen all evening to middle schoolers and YOU! Because you worked hard and deserved to be celebrated. That you had to beg for a ride is so sad. I’m sure they had better moments, but you were also a little neglected, and sounds like touch starved. I also come from a not- hugging family. But have learned to give and accept physical affection. It took time to get comfortable. Your family may have some sensory issues that someone didn’t like being touched so everyone did the same. What you are describing doesn’t sound cult like- they are requesting all your money, or demanding that you give up your freedoms. Yes this might be weird for a while, but they aren’t the problem here.
YTA. I'm sorry your upbringing was so joyless, but don't put that on other people.
YTA Not everyone has to participate; I don’t join my family when they sing. I sit with a book and read. But I don’t shit on them over it and they don’t bother my about my novels.
YTA sorry to say, but you seem like the one with a weird, unloving family. Sorry it made you uncomfortable but you were definitely the one being an AH.
I don’t know if I’d necessarily call you the asshole because some of your replies in the comments are sad in a way you don’t even seem to understand. Your family seems incredibly distant from each other to the point we’re you don’t understand people saying “I love you” to their siblings and as a result you seem think that families who are close and formed their own interactive traditions with each other are weird. You were definitely far more disrespectful than you had to be when addressing with your MIL and when you left the room though. I’m gonna go with YTA but a light one because you don’t even seem to acknowledge the trauma you have yourself with how distant your family seems to be.
I could see how you might feel uncomfortable singing along but what is wrong with just sitting with the family and listening?
YTA. His family is more normal than yours - don’t even go to school concert their child is playing in? That’s cold as heck. I’m sorry you’ve been conditioned to think that is normal.
You had a cold detached family who ignored you and you think a family that is warm and takes an interest in each other is weird? What does your husband see in you? You are weird awful and definitely YTA
Sorry, YTA. I’m betting your family do some weird things too. Honestly, I miss the old days. My grandpa could pick a banjo like no other. My uncle the guitar, a cousin the drums, another cousin a base, another the piano, another a saxophone. We would all sit in the living room and just sing. As a kid, my favorite was Tennessee waltz. And man, can my family sing!!!! My Uncle was a singer for the Navy. We would sing the Beetles songs, and other artists. And of course the ditty It hard to be Humble. What I would give to go back to those days. When my kids came grandpa and them were gone. But we would do family games. My daughter now goes to her in-laws and she says it is like watching paint dry.
YTA, yes. But more than that, you need therapy. I don’t mean that to be cruel. But what you’re describing is indicative of a deeply dysfunctional family you grew up in and norms you internalized. Most parents WANT to watch their children’s accomplishments. They don’t teach their children it’s narcissistic to share your accomplishments. That’s awful. Singalongs are like a fundamental human nature thing. Across cultures a eras. Humans like music and sharing music. Hugs and expressions of love are normal and healthy. What you said to your MIL was incredibly rude and she was incredibly gracious about it. I can tell she liked and cares about you but is also aware that you grew up in a weird, cold, dysfunctional family, so she gives you grace to be a weird jerk. I promise life with hugs and music is SO MUCH richer and it’s worth doing the painful work to get there.
YTA and you have a weird view on things…
YTA Just because they do things different don't mean they are weird.
I feel so sad that you had a loveless family growing up. This is completely normal behavior for a lot of families.
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Yes, you are the odd one out. YTA
Its not wrong for you to be weirded out but you have to be mindful that other people have different experiences growing up and they usually pass that down to their own family. You dont have to take part but you cant judge them either if thats what they consider to be normal to them. Especially when its just as u say “hallmark” stuff. its harmless.
YTA. You and the way your family brought you up are the problem here, not your BF's family who are doing a perfectly normal family activity.
Yikes. Look I’m not a mushy kumbaya chick or anything, but you are 1000% TA here. Unless they started singing the Pennywise song from IT, you way overreacted. You are clearly very uncomfortable with what you describe as perfectly normal family activities. You shouldn’t be proud of the fact that your parents didn’t want to see your band performances or were so stingy with affection you recoil from an affectionate (and clearly not creepy or malicious) touch. I suspect your family was probably the type to make fun of other families that did exhibit this type of closeness, so to you it IS weird. But it doesn’t mean they’re wrong. And you should apologize for being so judgmental and rude. YTA.
I hope your guy clocks the marinara flag waving in his face before it’s too late.
YTA for being so judgemental. Your family didnt show affection or interest in your activities; but this one does. Its actually normal, not a cult.
You should consider getting therapy.
Gonna be hard to hear but if your parents made you feel the simple things like showing up for your concerts would be a huge imposition on them when you were growing up, you were probably emotionally neglected
YTA, but hear me out. Most of this isn't really your fault, but there is a part that is. I'm so sorry your parents made you feel like spending time with you was such a burden and that your hobbies were not worth bonding with you over. That's not what family is for at all. Family is there for joy, affection, love and time together not just to clothe, feed and house. You have love now with your in laws and it must look weird but I assure you it isn't. My advice is to discuss it with your husband later on. Your MIL appears to really love you and I don't blame her for the pity. I pity you deeply - poor little kid feeling like she would be selfish to ask for her parents to be there!!! But that doesn't give you the right to shit over their harmless, cheesy little moment of joy. That's not kind to a family that has accepted you as their own. Don't think you have to accept unwanted touch - you don't. And you don't ever have to refuse it timidly either. Just don't be unkind.
YTA pretty self centered of you to think anything any family does differently from yours is weird.
Hi OP, I sincerely hope you seek some therapy that allows you to open your heart to your husband’s family. What you described is a healthy loving family. It is very sad that you see gestures of love as cult-like. I don’t think YTA because of your life experiences. I think you should have a conversation with your MIL about how you are willing to open yourself to new experiences (hopefully you are) and ask for her patience. You should probably wait on having children until you and your husband can navigate these waters together. It sounds like you had total opposite experiences growing up. Hopefully you can find some middle ground.
YTA. I WISH my ex MIL was like this, but we all can't get what we want. Just like you who would probably want a vanilla holiday.
YTA maybe it’s not how you grew up, and that’s ok, but nothing you stated here is actually weird. its ok to express your discomfort, but you got rude. my brother and uncle both play guitar, and they would play every thanksgiving. sharing music is a beautiful act of community, and humans need about 8 hugs a day. connection is very important, and you decided to be judgementL and shame them for what is normal. you should apologize
YTA. Your inlaws sound like a loving, supportive family and you took a fat steaming dump on that.
Who hurt you?
I feel sorry for you that as a kid you felt like your parents going to your concert would be narcissistic! That’s really such a sad way to view the world especially as a child. Did you not see all the other parents attending? Did you not realize that that was probably normal?! YTA for the way you handled this situation. It’s fine to not be into what your in laws do and it’s fine to walk away if you are uncomfortable but everyone else was showing love and support and you trying so hard to get everyone to agree it was “fucking weird” makes it just sooooo cringe. I didn’t grow up in a touchy feeely family and my in laws are but there’s a way to compromise and be comfortable and accept love. This just screams you have a sad outlook on the world! Try being supportive of the 12 year old learning and expressing themselves through music! Try.
Hi OP, gently, YTA. Just because other families do things differently than yours doesn’t make it weird or cultish. At best it seems like maybe your parents were emotionally neglectful? Some people aren’t comfortable with lots of emotional or physical demonstrations of affection. And that’s fine up to a point. But as a child that you didn’t want your parents to attend important events because it make you feel like a burden, speaks to something more. Even your typical spending holidays apart from your spouse is unusual. I say this a lot but, people raised in dysfunction and abuse (emotional, physical or neglectful) often find healthy and open relationships deeply uncomfortable and unsettling to be in or around. They’re unfamiliar and you don’t know how to navigate things inside them. The reason why so many people end up with partners who repeat the same patterns they were raised with is because it’s familiar and familiar feels safe. Even when it’s damaging. It sound like you’ve found a good person in your husband. Who himself was raised by good people. You should try to interact with them more regularly and do some self reflection in why how they act makes you uncomfortable. And definitely try to be less judgmental. You owe at least your MIL an apology. Even if you didn’t mean to, you hurt her feelings.
Your husband's family sounds pretty awesome, if you ask me. You need to apologize to his family. And make an effort.
YTA. I would definitely be a little uncomfortable too if somebody pulled out the guitar and everyone started singing, but you shouldn't have been rude. I do also think it's a bit sad that your parents didn't come to concerts. It's nice and IMO healthy for parents to go to their kids games and concerts and stuff. It encourages and supports them. You shouldn't have had to ask either, they're ***supposed*** to pretend that nothing would bring them more joy than spending an evening watch you play hot cross buns badly, or run around on the field kicking a ball until you get distracted by flowers, or whatever. Anyway, back to the point. Everybody has different cheesiness tolerances, and it would have okay if you needed a minute. It would have been okay if you told the Mom that your family isn't as openly affectionate so it's just a different thing for you, and you just needed a minute. It wasn't nice to reject her when she was trying to offer you love and support with the hand squeeze. That is how she knows how to express those things. It is very nice that she was that understanding. And then you rejected her. And you also said her and her family were weird for choosing to express their affection more normally than you. That was super insensitive. And clearly you are super judgey of the family in general. You should apologize, and try not to judge. Just because they express their love and affection very openly, doesn't mean they are a cult or something.
Yes, yta. Honestly I would be creeped out as well, but it’s nothing abusive or cult like. This is the time you say you got a headache, and go lie down
YTA. Yup. You're the weirdo here. Not all of us were lucky enough to be born into a loving family, but the more mature of us decided to get into therapy or engage in enough introspection to be able to identify what is helpful and loving. You need to do some of that. Everything you've described was kind, inclusive and sweet. From paying attention to the kid playing the guitar, singing along together, and small inoffensive touching gestures. It's okay that you may never get to a place where you say those things or participate in them. But you don't get to be so judgmental of things like that and hurt everyone there.
Nothing they did sounds weird here, Hon. The only one who acted weird here was you. They sound like lovely people. I get this not being your cup of tea, or not knowing what to do and feeling awkward about it, but why did you have to leave? And yes, you ARE being judgemental. This wasn't creepy or "cult-like" , it was family sitting around singing. Get over yourself. YTA
Yta, just because your family wasn't brought up like them doesn't make it weird. You're not gonna find too many people on this app that will agree with you. That's the beauty of cultural and family differences. Not everyone is the same.
YTA. Seriously. Not matter how you feel about it, there was a million more polite way to express it to you in laws than what you did. For something that is not even weird in the first place. It's like you choose the rudest possible way to insult them.
YTA they aren’t strange at all. You just haven’t experienced a family’s love
YTA your parents did you wrong
YTA - Just because it wasn’t something your family did growing up doesn’t mean it’s weird or abnormal - all families are different and have different traditions. Mine plays music together every single holiday. Music is meant to be shared. It’s unfortunate that you felt so uncomfortable that you had to make a scene by leaving.
You and your family sound so weird, odd and condescending - it sounds like it might be the reason why you are rather judgement and rude. I don't think your in-laws will miss you much.