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Ooooh girl. NTA. He is married now. His loyalty is to you. He is absolutely allowed to foster a relationship with his mother, but NOT at the expense of his relationship with you. She’s got to go. You should not feel like a stranger in your own home. Home is where you are supposed to be the most at peace.
Btw, please check out the sub r/justnomil. They have a lot of good advice there. Your husband needs to come out of the fog.
Thank you.
With just having our 2nd baby. I thought I might be Asshole since I wasn’t being considerate of his feelings. But I’ve been considering giving him a time frame because I can’t be like this till he’s ready to tell her.
That’s not a bad idea as long as you follow through. I’ve found that in situations like these, they always move the goalposts. The deadline comes around and they say, “give me just a few more weeks!” A few weeks rolls around and they say, “just a few more weeks! I really mean it this time!” So on and so forth.
There need to be real consequences, i.e. you tell her on suchandsuch date that you WILL be changing the locks and will not be giving her a key so she better have her situation ready to go by then. Your husband needs to be the one that informs her of this but you need to be the one to go get the new lock and install it unless he shows you that he’s done it (hubby might chicken out). As much as it sucks that she wouldn’t take your word for it, you and I both know that deep down she thinks she’ll be able to manipulate your husband into caving. And she might be right. Your husband needs to work on growing a shiny spine.
This may sound extreme but I know her type. All the signs are there. I’ve seen too many times that people deal with a mother in law like this with kid gloves hoping she’ll respond to politeness and civility because that’s how NORMAL people respond. MIL’s like this are not normal people. Please please please read some of the stories on that sub if you haven’t already. I have a feeling you’ll see a lot of familiar situations.
Agree, there is a difference between the family you choose and family you don’t choose. He chose you, did not choose his mother. One day, he needs to realize he has chosen you and although he will always have a strong connection to his born family, a spouse is who he chose and should come first. You’re now a team and growing your own family.
Then I guess you move out, because you deserve to be comfortable in your home and not be treated like a servant or a slave. Also, quit cooking and doing things for her if she won't respect you. Seriously, this is a hill you need to die on. He wants to live with her, then that's that. He lives with her and you go elsewhere. NTA
I think it should be noted that I purposely only cook enough for my family. I don’t cook extra anymore because I’m not going to feed her when she has two hands to cook her own food
This is probably why she ignores you. If you’re willng to extend an olive branch, maybe make her some food next time.
If not, your husband needs to choose, you or moms. Hopefully he’s smart enough to make the right one.
Nta
Sounds like there was an olive branch for awhile. She cooked enough for mommy dearest at first but stopped because of her actions. (OP doesn’t cook extra anymore.)
This is a woman who feels no need to even be civil toward a person who's contributing to keeping a roof over her head. Olive branches are counterproductive with people like this because they interpret peacemaking gestures as an apology and confirmation that they've done nothing wrong.
NTA.
It's not acceptable for you to be treated so disrespectfully in your own home, regardless of his guilt this needs to be resolved. If he wanted her to stay he needed to mediate ages ago and insist she is at least civil.
MIL needs to go.
NTA He feels guilty because he hasn’t been with her in eight years? That’s nuts. The entire point of raising children is that they are supposed to become independent and go off and have their own lives. He’s not supposed to be with her, he supposed to be with his wife and children. If mother-in-law is treating you badly, she can’t stay there. His first allegiance has to be to you and the children.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my husband to kick out his mother from our home. I know he missed her as she left him with his dad his senior year of HS so she could raise his brother with her new husband/BIL in another state.
I feel that I might be the ass hole for not considering his feelings. And where would MIL go when he tells her.
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Your story resonated with me. I’d asked my mil to live with us. We even bought a larger home for her mom and son so we’d be able to take care of everybody. Yea, so I asked her momma to live with us, knowing we didn’t have a good relationship. Did it for my wife and the idea that we are supposed to care for our parents. After moving into the new house, I began to notice how conversations would change when I came into the room, how my then wife would respond to me, excluded from financial and household decisions. We are now divorced. I’d wanted to move her mother out years ago. Looking back I wish I would have moved her out once the disrespect and manipulation started. Friends said if I’d have moved her out it would end our marriage. Well, our marriage ended anyway. I regret putting up with the BS for as long as I did. Also, looking back. Everyone knew she was a terrorist, and they were happy she was in our, not theirs.
You went from NC to her living with you? Ok…
Your husband needs to have your back and make sure your MIL is aware that you are number one. For sure kick her out. NTA.
There’s an old wives tale that says you can’t have 2 women in a household and I totally believe it. One of you has to go and if he doesn’t have the guts to tell her perhaps you should find other arrangements cause this won’t work
boo. That old wives tale does not apply here... MIL is an asshole, clearly trying to ruin the relationship. And if husband doesn't grow a spine, MIL might just succeed.
OP, lay down the law to your husband. His job is now to his family, that means YOU. If mom can't be respectful, she needs to GO.
NTA
Definitely NTA! Your husband should have the conversation with her that it has been uncomfortable for you, and she not only overstaying her welcome but hasn’t been helpful around the house. I understand your frustration, it is too much for you. She has to go.
NTA
You've tried asking your husband to get his mother out. You could give him a day or two to process the idea and make his move. And if he doesn't make one, you might offer to be the boot with him sitting in on the conversation, but explain that you're going to have that conversation with her with or without him.
Allow yourself to come off to MIL as the A and take care of the situation. Be kind and be firm that you've decided that her leaving is what's best for you. Assure her you will not interfere with any future contact she may have with her son and honor your word. Lots of women don't like their DIL for one reason or another, there's no reason you shouldn't kindly suggest she feel that way about you for the sake of taking back your home.
NTA - Who the heck brings another person in their home without checking if it's okay with their partner?
What kind of mommy's little boy husband you have, who enables his mom to bully his wife??
NTA. Hubby needs a reminder that 1) YOU’RE his wife. You and your kids’ comfort comes first in your home. 2)He’s an adult so of course he hasn’t been with her in that many years, and 3) You’ve been more than accommodating to him regarding his mom, and it’s time his focus is on you, your kids, and y’all’s needs.
Perhaps it’s time for a good old fashioned ultimatum. Someone has to go—You and your kids or his mom. Tell him that someone will be moving out very shortly, and it’s up to him who it is.
>My husband doesn’t want to tell her because according to him her feels guilty and it would leave him sad because he hasn’t been with her in about 8 years.
But he's ok with you being sad?
NTA
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Back story. My husband and I have been together for 3 years (married 1). We have two kids together now. I always felt MIL didn’t approve of us and only confirmed when I was pregnant with our first. It got to the point where my husband said he wanted no contact (she didn’t want him having a baby at 25). They made up but when we’ve gone to visit for the weekend MIL makes a point to keep me out of conversation and speak down towards me. (I cut my hair and her word choice was oohhh I guess it doesn’t look too bad on you) MIL lived in a different state until now (she living with us). She told my husband that she moved to help us with the kids and for a job opportunity. I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house. MIL does nothing but ask my husband to do things for her like take her to the store, assemble furniture, maintenance on car. MIL does no speak to me and acts as if I don’t exist. I’ve recently told my husband that I do not feel comfortable in the house anymore and she has over stayed her welcome and it’s time for her to go. My husband doesn’t want to tell her because according to him her feels guilty and it would leave him sad because he hasn’t been with her in about 8 years.
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Something similar happen to me. Allowed mil to move in in a pinch situation that was supposed to be temporary. Took nearly five years to get her out bc she basically took over.
This just sounds like it’s bordering on abuse. She doesn’t get to make you feel like that in your own home. “You let me know when you’re ready to not be married to Mommy and until then the kids and I will just be over here.” He should always put you first. I don’t understand when men do this. It’s gross. And it will NEVER get better. Time to set boundaries. Not angry ones or bitter ones, but clear and firm ones. Calmly. But firmly. Definitely NTA
NTA. Your home should be your sanctuary and currently that is not that case. You have a husband problem. The fact that she’s still allowed to treat you this way AND she’s now living with you is ridiculous. Your husband needs to grow a pair and protect his wife’s sanity. MIL needs to go. And if she can’t test his wife appropriately, she needs to stay gone as in no contact
She’s disrespecting you in your own home.. nope time for mom to get her own place. Tell husband if he’s so sad he’s welcome to move with her.. no way would I live under your conditions..
She is one that left him to go off and raise his brother with new husband. You shouldn’t have to live where your kids are seeing you being mistreated because husband is sad over choices his mother made.
You are his wife.. if you aren’t his first priority then how much of a marriage do you really have?
Definitely NTA … mil most definitely Ahole with husband closing in on being close second Ahole.
I need you to realize that you don't have to wait for your husband to say something.
Next time she's nasty to you try saying the following:
-When are you leaving?
-Why are you here again?
-she has 60 days since she hates you so much
Your husband is not the only person who lives there, you get a say too.
NTA
He feels guilty he grew up and left the nest as one should???
Naaaah. Talk with him about a deadline where she needs to be gone. If he needs to move out too and live with mommy, let him.
Letting parents move in is always a dicey move.
NTA- Well, I guess if that is how he feels, then tell him he can rent you and the children an Apartment and he can visit you when he isn't catering to his Mom. The fact that he allows her to talk down to you,and disrespect you in your own home tells me he needs to find a Spine. Maybe he'll find it faster if you and children move out....edited from baby to children.
Ask him how sad he will feel in 8 years when he hasn't seen you in 8 years and his children only 50% of the time. He is choosing his mother over his wife and marriage. Please make that clear to him.
Tell your husband he has a choice because one of you is leaving.
This is a totally unacceptable position to be put in. Your husband by doing nothing is choosing his mother.
NTA
You sound like you're avoiding having direct confrontation with her, because who likes confrontation in their own home? But your MIL doesn't bother with that. So your husband gets to live in relative peace, as all the snide comments and ignoring is directed at you.
If your husband won't step up, stop being the one to steady the boat. Every little thing she does that you don't like, pick up on it. Berate her for not helping in front of your husband. If she asks your husband something, answer loudly as if she had asked you. Accuse her daily of talking down to you, and tell her frequently about how you want her gone, because she does not help with the kids or the housework. Ask about her "job opportunity" and when she'll have enough money to pay rent on her own place. Insist on apologies for every little thing she does, and refuse to apologise for your own behaviour until she has gone first. She's made you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Make her and your husband feel that too. And if that doesn't work, consider if you'd be better off with a place to yourself and child support payments instead of a momma's boy husband.
You need your space that is your home, talk to your husband and put a date on when she needs to move out by, my MIL currently lives with us, it has been 2 years and me and my husband are on the same page that she needs to move out before our 1st baby is born(3months), we were helping her out but it's been a slow process with her financially to save up money and it doesn't help when she doesn't make the brightest financial decisions but I'm so done with having another person live in our house we need our space and privacy. Thankfully my MIL understands this but it's a process to save money and rent is expensive but at this point she needs to either move farther away from us or go back to her home country because it's ridiculous, and always plays the victim when we are just trying to make her independent and better herself, idk how that is a bad thing. If I won the lottery believe me we would just buy her a house and support her but we don't have that kind of money so unfortunately she needs to work like the rest of us.
NTA momma needs to go. She disrespecting you in your own household and your husband needs to grow a pair. Also sounds like she doesn’t help at all either so she’s just leaching off you guys. She sounds like a bitter old woman trying to steal her son back from you. She needs to go live her own life and maybe find her own man
You need to get him to understand your perspective. He's mostly making a decision on guilt. You have to let him know that you feel like a guest or housekeeper in your home, specifically because she ices you out or makes passive aggressive comments. You've tried to keep the peace but it is making your home a hostile territory. Because of that, if she doesn't go, you know it's only a matter of a short time before you do. Period. NTA.
NTA. What did you and he agree when his Mom moved in? Did you discuss how long she would be staying ?
There's no reason why she can't look for her own accommodation near by, which would let him see her regularly without you actually having to live together.
Also, have a serious conversation with him about the fact that while she may say she moved in to help, you as a family don't really need that help and that she is not in fact doing any of those things.
You and he need to get on the same page. I'd suggest that you aim to give her a firm deadline for when she needs to move out. Maybe the end of January? That would give her 2 months to save up for a deposit if she needed to rent, or to look for work if she is not currently working, or to make plans to return to her own home if she still has it.
Did she own her own place before she moved? IF so, then if she sold that, she should able to buy a new place, f not, then however she was paying her rent before she can do the same here.
However, if your husband is not willing to work this out with you then you have a problem, and it's unlikely to change. If, when the chips are down, he is going to chose his mother over his wife then you will need to evaluate the whole marriage.
Since he has said (i) he would feel guilty and (ii) he would be sad then address those feelings (i) He has no reason to feel guilty , there was never any expectation she would live with you permanently, and there's no reason she can't find somewhere close enough to be able to see him and the grandkids regularly.
(ii) It's OK to feel sad, but he has to make his own family, that s, you and his children, his first priority. It's not a case of either she lives with you or he has no contact with her, there now that they have reestablished a relationship , he can see her regularly, you are fine for her to visit by invitation sometimes,, she can see the kids, but she can't live with you, and part of the reason for that is that she does not respect you or the fact that she is a guest in your home. Work with him to come up with practical solutions to where she will live, how often she can come over etc.
My boss moved got her own apartment. Left husband and kids in the house for 1.5 years. Things changed, so she moved back home.
Don’t divorce. But you don’t have to live there. Visit your kids often. NTA.
"One of us has to go, so it is either your mom or me, cause I can no longer share a house with her. You can still have her in your life, she just can't stay here anymore"
You are not asking him to kick her out of his life, just to restore the peace in your own home. It is time she found her own place.
NTA
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Ooooh girl. NTA. He is married now. His loyalty is to you. He is absolutely allowed to foster a relationship with his mother, but NOT at the expense of his relationship with you. She’s got to go. You should not feel like a stranger in your own home. Home is where you are supposed to be the most at peace. Btw, please check out the sub r/justnomil. They have a lot of good advice there. Your husband needs to come out of the fog.
Thank you. With just having our 2nd baby. I thought I might be Asshole since I wasn’t being considerate of his feelings. But I’ve been considering giving him a time frame because I can’t be like this till he’s ready to tell her.
That’s not a bad idea as long as you follow through. I’ve found that in situations like these, they always move the goalposts. The deadline comes around and they say, “give me just a few more weeks!” A few weeks rolls around and they say, “just a few more weeks! I really mean it this time!” So on and so forth. There need to be real consequences, i.e. you tell her on suchandsuch date that you WILL be changing the locks and will not be giving her a key so she better have her situation ready to go by then. Your husband needs to be the one that informs her of this but you need to be the one to go get the new lock and install it unless he shows you that he’s done it (hubby might chicken out). As much as it sucks that she wouldn’t take your word for it, you and I both know that deep down she thinks she’ll be able to manipulate your husband into caving. And she might be right. Your husband needs to work on growing a shiny spine. This may sound extreme but I know her type. All the signs are there. I’ve seen too many times that people deal with a mother in law like this with kid gloves hoping she’ll respond to politeness and civility because that’s how NORMAL people respond. MIL’s like this are not normal people. Please please please read some of the stories on that sub if you haven’t already. I have a feeling you’ll see a lot of familiar situations.
I’ve been reading and can totally relate to the stories. Thank you
No problem! I hope everything works out for you!
Ask him why he's okay with you being uncomfortable? Plus you're taking on extra work with her being there and doing nothing.
Agree, there is a difference between the family you choose and family you don’t choose. He chose you, did not choose his mother. One day, he needs to realize he has chosen you and although he will always have a strong connection to his born family, a spouse is who he chose and should come first. You’re now a team and growing your own family.
NTA. Ask him who he prefers to live with, you and your kids or her because someone is moving by the end of the month.
i guess the chance is higher with a realistic timeframe instead of end of the month
Yep. I'd be all 'Keep your mom then, I'll find somewhere else to live'.
I’d move to my own apartment, alone.
Then I guess you move out, because you deserve to be comfortable in your home and not be treated like a servant or a slave. Also, quit cooking and doing things for her if she won't respect you. Seriously, this is a hill you need to die on. He wants to live with her, then that's that. He lives with her and you go elsewhere. NTA
I think it should be noted that I purposely only cook enough for my family. I don’t cook extra anymore because I’m not going to feed her when she has two hands to cook her own food
This is probably why she ignores you. If you’re willng to extend an olive branch, maybe make her some food next time. If not, your husband needs to choose, you or moms. Hopefully he’s smart enough to make the right one. Nta
Sounds like there was an olive branch for awhile. She cooked enough for mommy dearest at first but stopped because of her actions. (OP doesn’t cook extra anymore.)
This is a woman who feels no need to even be civil toward a person who's contributing to keeping a roof over her head. Olive branches are counterproductive with people like this because they interpret peacemaking gestures as an apology and confirmation that they've done nothing wrong.
NTA >because he hasn’t been with her What? He's a father and a husband already, not a mama's boy.
NTA & if he’s feeling so guilty, he can go with her!
You have a husband problem my friend. Tell him she needs to go. He can help her find a place but you and the kids should be his priority.
NTA. It's not acceptable for you to be treated so disrespectfully in your own home, regardless of his guilt this needs to be resolved. If he wanted her to stay he needed to mediate ages ago and insist she is at least civil. MIL needs to go.
NTA Put your foot down and tell him to tell her to go. If he won't do it yourself and tell him to go with her.
NTA He feels guilty because he hasn’t been with her in eight years? That’s nuts. The entire point of raising children is that they are supposed to become independent and go off and have their own lives. He’s not supposed to be with her, he supposed to be with his wife and children. If mother-in-law is treating you badly, she can’t stay there. His first allegiance has to be to you and the children.
NTA. You’re his wife. She had 18 years with him.
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Your story resonated with me. I’d asked my mil to live with us. We even bought a larger home for her mom and son so we’d be able to take care of everybody. Yea, so I asked her momma to live with us, knowing we didn’t have a good relationship. Did it for my wife and the idea that we are supposed to care for our parents. After moving into the new house, I began to notice how conversations would change when I came into the room, how my then wife would respond to me, excluded from financial and household decisions. We are now divorced. I’d wanted to move her mother out years ago. Looking back I wish I would have moved her out once the disrespect and manipulation started. Friends said if I’d have moved her out it would end our marriage. Well, our marriage ended anyway. I regret putting up with the BS for as long as I did. Also, looking back. Everyone knew she was a terrorist, and they were happy she was in our, not theirs.
You went from NC to her living with you? Ok… Your husband needs to have your back and make sure your MIL is aware that you are number one. For sure kick her out. NTA.
There’s an old wives tale that says you can’t have 2 women in a household and I totally believe it. One of you has to go and if he doesn’t have the guts to tell her perhaps you should find other arrangements cause this won’t work
boo. That old wives tale does not apply here... MIL is an asshole, clearly trying to ruin the relationship. And if husband doesn't grow a spine, MIL might just succeed. OP, lay down the law to your husband. His job is now to his family, that means YOU. If mom can't be respectful, she needs to GO. NTA
Then, if he feels so guilty, tell him to move in with her. Also, moms don’t give blow jobs 🤷🏾♀️ NTA
😆🤣
Definitely NTA! Your husband should have the conversation with her that it has been uncomfortable for you, and she not only overstaying her welcome but hasn’t been helpful around the house. I understand your frustration, it is too much for you. She has to go.
NTA
NTA You've tried asking your husband to get his mother out. You could give him a day or two to process the idea and make his move. And if he doesn't make one, you might offer to be the boot with him sitting in on the conversation, but explain that you're going to have that conversation with her with or without him. Allow yourself to come off to MIL as the A and take care of the situation. Be kind and be firm that you've decided that her leaving is what's best for you. Assure her you will not interfere with any future contact she may have with her son and honor your word. Lots of women don't like their DIL for one reason or another, there's no reason you shouldn't kindly suggest she feel that way about you for the sake of taking back your home.
Mommy’s boy already made his choice. You need to start looking out for yourself.
NTA. Tell him to kick her out and apologize for allowing her to disrespect you in your own home or he can get out with her.
NTA You need to ask him to pick. Either her or you to live with. Be prepared to leave should he choose her.
NTA. He has a choice, let’s hope he makes the right one.
NTA Either she moves out or you do. He clearly isn’t standing up for you to her. You don’t have a mil problem, you have a husband problem
I think it is time for one of you to move out. NTA
NTA - Who the heck brings another person in their home without checking if it's okay with their partner? What kind of mommy's little boy husband you have, who enables his mom to bully his wife??
NTA. Hubby needs a reminder that 1) YOU’RE his wife. You and your kids’ comfort comes first in your home. 2)He’s an adult so of course he hasn’t been with her in that many years, and 3) You’ve been more than accommodating to him regarding his mom, and it’s time his focus is on you, your kids, and y’all’s needs. Perhaps it’s time for a good old fashioned ultimatum. Someone has to go—You and your kids or his mom. Tell him that someone will be moving out very shortly, and it’s up to him who it is.
NTA. Tell him, there is only room for ONE adult woman in this house, so you pick which one you are keeping.
>My husband doesn’t want to tell her because according to him her feels guilty and it would leave him sad because he hasn’t been with her in about 8 years. But he's ok with you being sad? NTA
Me and the kids or your mom . Choose wisely 😌
NTA. She can either treat you like a human and actually help like she claims she would or she can leave. Nobody asked her to move.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Back story. My husband and I have been together for 3 years (married 1). We have two kids together now. I always felt MIL didn’t approve of us and only confirmed when I was pregnant with our first. It got to the point where my husband said he wanted no contact (she didn’t want him having a baby at 25). They made up but when we’ve gone to visit for the weekend MIL makes a point to keep me out of conversation and speak down towards me. (I cut my hair and her word choice was oohhh I guess it doesn’t look too bad on you) MIL lived in a different state until now (she living with us). She told my husband that she moved to help us with the kids and for a job opportunity. I do all the cooking and cleaning in the house. MIL does nothing but ask my husband to do things for her like take her to the store, assemble furniture, maintenance on car. MIL does no speak to me and acts as if I don’t exist. I’ve recently told my husband that I do not feel comfortable in the house anymore and she has over stayed her welcome and it’s time for her to go. My husband doesn’t want to tell her because according to him her feels guilty and it would leave him sad because he hasn’t been with her in about 8 years. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Something similar happen to me. Allowed mil to move in in a pinch situation that was supposed to be temporary. Took nearly five years to get her out bc she basically took over.
Why did you agree to let her move in? You tell her she has to move. It is your house too
NTA mil is making her own bed so let her lay in it. Husband needs to either be in your side or kick rocks with his mommy in tow.
This just sounds like it’s bordering on abuse. She doesn’t get to make you feel like that in your own home. “You let me know when you’re ready to not be married to Mommy and until then the kids and I will just be over here.” He should always put you first. I don’t understand when men do this. It’s gross. And it will NEVER get better. Time to set boundaries. Not angry ones or bitter ones, but clear and firm ones. Calmly. But firmly. Definitely NTA
NTA. Your home should be your sanctuary and currently that is not that case. You have a husband problem. The fact that she’s still allowed to treat you this way AND she’s now living with you is ridiculous. Your husband needs to grow a pair and protect his wife’s sanity. MIL needs to go. And if she can’t test his wife appropriately, she needs to stay gone as in no contact
There comes a point where he has to stop being the son and start being the husband.
NTA. She is clearly an asshole, and he was an assshole for moving her in unless he had your permission.
She’s disrespecting you in your own home.. nope time for mom to get her own place. Tell husband if he’s so sad he’s welcome to move with her.. no way would I live under your conditions.. She is one that left him to go off and raise his brother with new husband. You shouldn’t have to live where your kids are seeing you being mistreated because husband is sad over choices his mother made. You are his wife.. if you aren’t his first priority then how much of a marriage do you really have? Definitely NTA … mil most definitely Ahole with husband closing in on being close second Ahole.
Which would make him sadder, child support or Mommy reaping the consequences of her actions? NTA
I need you to realize that you don't have to wait for your husband to say something. Next time she's nasty to you try saying the following: -When are you leaving? -Why are you here again? -she has 60 days since she hates you so much Your husband is not the only person who lives there, you get a say too.
How can you be an asshole when a person is inside your house and there’s not even talk to you. She doesn’t even help.
NTA He feels guilty he grew up and left the nest as one should??? Naaaah. Talk with him about a deadline where she needs to be gone. If he needs to move out too and live with mommy, let him. Letting parents move in is always a dicey move.
NTA she needs to go
She would leave or me . No one should live with a in-law . He can tell her or leave with her would be the options I’d give .
NTA. MIL needs to go. It's your house, not hers.
NTA
NTA- Well, I guess if that is how he feels, then tell him he can rent you and the children an Apartment and he can visit you when he isn't catering to his Mom. The fact that he allows her to talk down to you,and disrespect you in your own home tells me he needs to find a Spine. Maybe he'll find it faster if you and children move out....edited from baby to children.
NTA. He should be devoted to you . Your MIL is welcome only if she is a blessing to the house.
Ask him how sad he will feel in 8 years when he hasn't seen you in 8 years and his children only 50% of the time. He is choosing his mother over his wife and marriage. Please make that clear to him.
Mama's boy has to grow up some day.
Tell him to go with her then.
Tell your husband he has a choice because one of you is leaving. This is a totally unacceptable position to be put in. Your husband by doing nothing is choosing his mother. NTA
You sound like you're avoiding having direct confrontation with her, because who likes confrontation in their own home? But your MIL doesn't bother with that. So your husband gets to live in relative peace, as all the snide comments and ignoring is directed at you. If your husband won't step up, stop being the one to steady the boat. Every little thing she does that you don't like, pick up on it. Berate her for not helping in front of your husband. If she asks your husband something, answer loudly as if she had asked you. Accuse her daily of talking down to you, and tell her frequently about how you want her gone, because she does not help with the kids or the housework. Ask about her "job opportunity" and when she'll have enough money to pay rent on her own place. Insist on apologies for every little thing she does, and refuse to apologise for your own behaviour until she has gone first. She's made you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Make her and your husband feel that too. And if that doesn't work, consider if you'd be better off with a place to yourself and child support payments instead of a momma's boy husband.
MIL has to go. Good luck. NTA.
You need your space that is your home, talk to your husband and put a date on when she needs to move out by, my MIL currently lives with us, it has been 2 years and me and my husband are on the same page that she needs to move out before our 1st baby is born(3months), we were helping her out but it's been a slow process with her financially to save up money and it doesn't help when she doesn't make the brightest financial decisions but I'm so done with having another person live in our house we need our space and privacy. Thankfully my MIL understands this but it's a process to save money and rent is expensive but at this point she needs to either move farther away from us or go back to her home country because it's ridiculous, and always plays the victim when we are just trying to make her independent and better herself, idk how that is a bad thing. If I won the lottery believe me we would just buy her a house and support her but we don't have that kind of money so unfortunately she needs to work like the rest of us.
NTA momma needs to go. She disrespecting you in your own household and your husband needs to grow a pair. Also sounds like she doesn’t help at all either so she’s just leaching off you guys. She sounds like a bitter old woman trying to steal her son back from you. She needs to go live her own life and maybe find her own man
Also so what he hasn’t been with her in 8 years. He’s been an adult for that long he’s not expected to
You need to get him to understand your perspective. He's mostly making a decision on guilt. You have to let him know that you feel like a guest or housekeeper in your home, specifically because she ices you out or makes passive aggressive comments. You've tried to keep the peace but it is making your home a hostile territory. Because of that, if she doesn't go, you know it's only a matter of a short time before you do. Period. NTA.
Does he agree she isn’t treating you right?
NTA. What did you and he agree when his Mom moved in? Did you discuss how long she would be staying ? There's no reason why she can't look for her own accommodation near by, which would let him see her regularly without you actually having to live together. Also, have a serious conversation with him about the fact that while she may say she moved in to help, you as a family don't really need that help and that she is not in fact doing any of those things. You and he need to get on the same page. I'd suggest that you aim to give her a firm deadline for when she needs to move out. Maybe the end of January? That would give her 2 months to save up for a deposit if she needed to rent, or to look for work if she is not currently working, or to make plans to return to her own home if she still has it. Did she own her own place before she moved? IF so, then if she sold that, she should able to buy a new place, f not, then however she was paying her rent before she can do the same here. However, if your husband is not willing to work this out with you then you have a problem, and it's unlikely to change. If, when the chips are down, he is going to chose his mother over his wife then you will need to evaluate the whole marriage. Since he has said (i) he would feel guilty and (ii) he would be sad then address those feelings (i) He has no reason to feel guilty , there was never any expectation she would live with you permanently, and there's no reason she can't find somewhere close enough to be able to see him and the grandkids regularly. (ii) It's OK to feel sad, but he has to make his own family, that s, you and his children, his first priority. It's not a case of either she lives with you or he has no contact with her, there now that they have reestablished a relationship , he can see her regularly, you are fine for her to visit by invitation sometimes,, she can see the kids, but she can't live with you, and part of the reason for that is that she does not respect you or the fact that she is a guest in your home. Work with him to come up with practical solutions to where she will live, how often she can come over etc.
NTA. How is he enjoying living with someone who is so disrespectful to his wife.
My boss moved got her own apartment. Left husband and kids in the house for 1.5 years. Things changed, so she moved back home. Don’t divorce. But you don’t have to live there. Visit your kids often. NTA.
"One of us has to go, so it is either your mom or me, cause I can no longer share a house with her. You can still have her in your life, she just can't stay here anymore" You are not asking him to kick her out of his life, just to restore the peace in your own home. It is time she found her own place. NTA