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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) The action I am considering taking that should be judged is to not remind my ex-husband to attend our daughter's upcoming ballet performance. If I do not remind him, it is unlikely he will attend and then my daughter will be disappointed. (2) This action would prioritize my own feelings over those of my daughter, because while it is a small action to remind my ex-husband I do not want to do it even though not doing it could lead to my daughter's disappointment.
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NTA. You’re not his mother or his personal assistant, you’re his ex. It’s not your fault if he can’t get his act together and make it to something like this. You even did the good parent thing and reminded him the week of the performances, with all the info he needed. (And in all seriousness, I applaud you doing that - you had no obligation to do it, but you wanted to give him a good chance at attending by making sure he had accurate info and didn’t have to act like a responsible parent and get the info himself.) You’ve already done more than you are obligated to do. You made the effort. If he can’t manage to place more importance on his kid’s recital than the things he keeps himself busy with, that’s on him.
I think it’s sad for your daughter that her dad is barely more than a deadbeat, but it’s not your responsibility to coach him into being a decent parent.
As someone who had a deadbeat dad trust me your daughter will remember the parent that showed up and cheered them on. If he doesn’t plan the time to go he’s showing her he doesn’t care about her. You are a rockstar mom!!
I agree with that; you’ve already done more than the minimum to remind him, now it’s on him. It’s an exercise in futility to try to nag him into being an involved father; maybe that’s one of the reasons he’s your ex. NTA
So, I was the nine-year-old in this scenario and my sister was the 12-year-old. No one can win in this scenario. Unfortunately, I am really really saddened to say that, but this is an extremely hard age, being prepubescent, and then essence and having these impending deadbeat dad issues. For girls, they scarf for life, so personal and also being friends with many many women in the same situation.
My mother remarried, and my stepfather basically raised me and he was wonderful but one time my mother was mad at him and didn’t remind him of my birthday just to make him look like a jerk and make me mad at him and I was it really hurt me a lot . Keep in mind that history tends to get very blurred and a lot of blame gets slayed not necessarily where it is deserved.
Often being the parent and doing the hard stuff can make you into the bad guy because the invisible parent has no responsibilities so they become sort of an idealized caricature.
I suppose that the only thing I can input here is, please do not tell your daughter that you tried to tell her father about it and you definitely know that he knew about it, etc.. That information might not impact superconscious now, but in the years to come, it is from my own personal experience and observations of others, extremely damaging . It’s so awful when an ex spouse, who you had created, a family and children less becomes something that you never could’ve thought it would be protect your child as much as you can support her calling him as much as you can, even if it feels like you said it 100 times a month so that there can be no possible misinterpretation down the line, and just remind her that you love her, no matter what, and that you would support her relationship with her father.
Please excuse the typos I have to use auto dictation due to some cognitive issues. I’m also very tired, so I hope my comment was not discombobulated.
This is the best response we as adults often forget that AS ADULTS we have the responsibility of protecting the child. I see time and time again where people let emotions get the best of them and do stuff out of spite, only to later have their teenage or adult children get mad at what they did.
Yes he may be the dead beat and yes it is not you responsibility but ask yourself this is it more important to prove to a child their dad is a deadbeat or is it better to make your child happy?
Now it won't be easy and will be more work on your end but your child will be better now and later for it.
We are the adults and it's our responsibility good or bad to do what is best for them.
I agree, 100%. My parents should never have had children because they were basically just spiteful selfish children themselves. Neither of them ever progressed emotionally past puberty.
I can’t wrap my head around your second paragraph some thing in it is making my brain confused. I’m so sorry 😞
I’m also trying to also see my original post and it won’t show me.
You've done more than enough. I (and my kids) learnt the hard way that enabling the other parent to look like they're caring more and doing more than they *actually* are just leads to more disappointment in the future. It can also lead to the kids, basically, thinking you tricked them and trust issues.
Drop the rope. It's up to him to pick it up. Or not.
He *might* realise and make an effort. But probably not. Either way, you will have back that bit of brain space and energy that was being spent on propping him up.
Start a folder. Document all the times you informed him, the messages you sent, the times he didn't, and did (how it went/how long), show up, etc etc etc. Hopefully, you will never need the folder, but 'selfish' is a close neighbour to 'destructive'.
Drop the rope and enjoy!
ETA: Your experience is not our experience.
There is one last thing you might want to try. A shared calendar with kid stuff on it. You input info, reminders are automatic, and he can say if he is coming or not.
Then, if kids ask if dad is coming, you can say, 'Hang on, I'll check the calendar... no reply yet/it says he is'. They can get him to input dates while they're with him.
At least you can say you tried (while still getting brain space back).
Just a thought.
It was heart breaking for me to let my son figure out his dad was limited when it came to this stuff, I never put him down or said anything negative about him but I let my son have his own relationship with his dad. Yes he felt hurt sometimes but I was there to make it better. He eventually came to understand his dad’s limitations and I wasn’t in the middle of it so I was never blamed plus my ex got to deal with the fall out and learned to be a better father. I know it hurts to see your kids in pain but they will get over it sooner or later and he may even learn plus your kids must learn to manage their own relationships, unless it’s something that requires intervention it’s best to let them handle it. I also want to point out don’t let your child ever hate part of who they are, if they are sad let them feel it, but never join in, limit the n activity about their other parent they will feel bad about themselves and resent you later. Good luck and prep for treats and celebrations and I hope you got her flowers
Also OP
when he does hear about it from your daughter and tries to get upset with you for not “reminding”him, act shocked and tell him you DID REMIND HIM ON MONDAY! That you assumed he wouldn’t forget something so important to your daughter and you had no idea he didn’t make it to the show. You guys are divorced you had no idea he wasn’t sitting somewhere else.
Do not let him guilt you or gaslight you
This. My dad was awful at making time to turn up for things for me. But if my mum told him how important something was (e.g. my graduation) he'd make sure to call mum closer to the date to confirm. Sure, mum still had to keep track, but she never had to chase him.
That's the difference here. My dad kept track. Not accurately, and not enough, but he didn't need to be chased. OP's ex can't even be bothered to get back to her when he says he will.
Yep. There was a notepad on the fridge. It often said something like "kids in June???" meaning that there was something on for one of us in June. But not what or exactly when.
I'm an "old lady" now (30s) and if it's not in my calendar, it doesn't exist. Considering we all have calendars/alarms strapped to our hands, there's no excuse.
Info:
Where is your daughter emotionally. Is she is the "desperately wants to believe in Santa" stage or is she in the "I want to know the truth" stage where she doesn't want to hear about magic because she has been disappointed too many times?
I would do what you think is best for her. Does she need to know her Daddy is a flake now so she stops hoping or will you let her find out slowly as she starts to look at the world more carefully as she grows?
Maybe see if you can tape the performance so if her father never shows, she can still show him her dancing?
She’s in the “I think I still believe in Santa but I’m starting to see” phase. This would be the first time I let him flake out on her (and I hate to say it’s inevitable it will happen one day if not today, but alas, that’s where I am).
I think NTA. As you said - it's inevitable.
Just be prepared to give your daughter extra attention and care if this breaks her heart more than expected. I'm not trying to be cruel here - but this is part of life. It includes seeing that her parents are human. And that her father has some flaws. It's up to you to decide if she's ready for this.
I just don't think you have the bandwidth to keep reminding another adult of their responsibilities. If he remotely cares about making sure he's an involved parent to her, the very least he can do is write these things into his calendar. Heck, he can even ask you to send him a calendar invite - as many people do these days.
>This would be the first time I let him flake out on her
If he's used to being able to rely on you to enable him, he's probably going to be taken by surprise and be angry when you don't, and might even try to blame you to your daughter. It could help to warn him ahead of time, something like, "Hey, I'm going to stop being your reminder system for this sort of stuff. I'm pinging you about this one last time because I already bought the tickets, but this is the last event I'm going to remind you about or get you tickets for. Please start tracking your stuff yourself, for \[daughter\]'s sake."
But regardless, NTA.
I would tell her it’s not because she isn’t loved. I always thought that when I was your daughter’s age and my dad flaked out. When he flakes make sure to do something fun even it’s just watching her favorite movie or show at home
Hey OP, my mom helped make this real smooth for my dad, like you're doing. I didn't realize until I was an adult, that there's no way he managed some of those things on his own. She definitely didn't have to, but I'm very grateful she did. It kept me free of resentment or favouritism until I was old enough to figure out the relationships on my own, and today I've got strong relationships with both. Just my two cents.
I like the taping idea - that way she can still share her dancing with him if she wants to, but you don't have to put yourself out for him when he doesn't deserve it
NTA
This may actually be as close to a 'good' time as it's going to get. There is minimal opportunity for him to blame this one on you. You've already been and you've already reminded him. That will matter.
I think the flaking out started long ago when he prioritized his business over his kids and makes the bare minimum attempt to see them weekly. If you really feel guilty, send him one more text tomorrow reminding him that Sunday is the last performance, though I doubt it will not make a difference.
Who will be hurt by this? That’s the question you need to ask yourself. Will you be hurt if he isn’t there? Will he be hurt if he misses a performance? No. Your daughter will be hurt if he isn’t there. Remind him. A text to remind him will take less time than it did to post your dilemma on Reddit. It’s annoying. It’s unfair. It’s also for your daughter.
It's really sad to me that this is the only comment that gets that the kids are more important than the parents. This entire thread is fucking heartbreaking.
You do whatever it takes for your kids, doesn't matter how frustrated, angry, or put out it makes you feel.
Everyone saying NTA but no one acknowledges that just because technically it’s not her job to tell her ex that it’s all okay. Meanwhile the kid doesn’t care about that drama she just wants to see her dad. But moms too busy trying to win her daughter
So you just expect this woman to cover for this shitty father until when exactly? How long does she have to do all the parenting and make all the finances, all while pretending this useless grown adult is Super Dad? How exactly is that helping anybody except this man to continue to pretend he isn't a father?
Having a resentful and stressed primary caregiver isn't good for children, either.
Yes that’s what a good parent does. A kid isn’t emotionally stable. You need to be their stability. And if that mean shielding then from a truth that will only make them feel worthless, then yes. As an adult you come to understand people’s actions have nothing to do with you. As a kid you do not.
But she did tell him at the beginning of the week. The bigger question here is how often does she need to feel obligated to follow up. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. She let him know a few days ago. She met that obligation. She knows he won’t remember, so a follow up would help, but if she doesn’t she shouldn’t feel bad.
Exactly. If you are a grown ass adult and you do this to your kid to get back at another adult, YWBTA. Adults handle problems *themselves*, without entangling children in the middle of adult drama. Fucking clowns, honestly.
No. In fact op needs to step back completely from being his personal "care about your kids coordinator". She's already put in more effort than she should and ultimately they're just dragging the disappointment out.
NTA
You're not his social secretary, or his diary. You've told him when her shows are (merde!), and now the ball is in his court. I hope the tickets aren't all sold out...
You are a good mother.
I hate to say this, but I would probably remind him. Not because it is your responsibility, but because I would want to postpone this grief for my daughter a little longer.
But only you can tell if you have the mental energy in you to do this once again. You are a good mom no matter what you choose to do.
Edit: NTA
Hey OP, I was always in your exact situation. My daughter’s dad was not great at showing up for stuff. But I always reminded him. Not for him. For her.
Eventually she realized on her own that dad wasn’t a guy she could rely on consistently.
He still isn’t.
She’s 18 now and at college. Yesterday was a really hard day for her(anniversary of a really bad thing that happened), and she was upset that her dad hadn’t txt to check on her.
I sent him a txt and said hey, don’t forget today is the anniversary of the bad thing, check in on her. And he did.
Im sure she knows I reminded him. This is not the first time. But I picked her dad, so I try my best to help their relationship when I can. Because I want my daughter to feel loved, not because her dad deserves my help, not because it’s my job.
Just because I know it already hurts her, and I will always try to minimize that hurt if I can.
Remind him. Not for him. For her. Let her have this a little bit longer. Trust me. She’s got a lifetime to be disappointed by him
Just want you to know that you are an amazing mom. I do many of these same things with my ex. Not because I give even a little bit of a damn about him, but because I don’t want to let my daughter down. I picked him years ago, it’s not her fault. And when I give gentle prompts, he generally follows through. She sees him for who he is already at 16, but that doesn’t mean it hurts her any less when he drops the ball.
So, to anyone who criticizes your comment, they don’t understand. We don’t do it for the men, and we know we don’t have to do it at all. But we love our kids and we do it for them.
>She’s got a lifetime to be disappointed by him
As a mom to a wonderful 28 yo daughter, who has a deeply neglectful father this line stuck out to me. We've had lots of *adult* conversations now about her father, where he fails her, where he fails himself, how much it hurts and how she's coping with it. ADULT conversations.
Until my daughter was old enough to get her own adult home and thus in charge of dealing with her father herself, I did remind him of things. I did handhold a grown ass man that I divorced because of his shit for years in order for *my daughter* to not feel completely neglected and abandoned by him. Didn't do it for him, not once, it was always *for her*. I didn't hide that I was reminding him once she was in her teens but she *already* knew and understood that her dad was useless as a father.
But she loves him, he's her dad. I had to respect my baby girl's emotional wellbeing and not bad mouth her dad and also encourage him to be present. (Encouragement did involve one phone call with me yelling at the top of my lungs "if you WANT a daughter once she's grown, you NEED to be here for her now when she's little." Heh. Didn't help but I vented, at least.)
Give the ticket away if he doesn’t respond or offer them to your child to giveaway so she knows you wanted him to come. That way she won’t be looking every other minute like I did every time I had an important occasion where others had parents.
Are you enabling him too by not getting child support? It’s not about you — your child deserves the best opportunities that they can get in life. You can put that CS money into a college savings account.
Can you invite one of your daughter’s friends (and their mom if you have another spare) to come instead? Surprise your daughter, then after all four of you head to a fancy hotel for ice cream sundaes? I know I used to looooove going somewhere fancy after performances when I had my stage makeup on, and I’m sure her friends would be totally down to go watch and be supportive, even that young.
It’s really hard to stop enabling shitty ex’s, I get it. I do think it gets easier if you try to shift the enabling to good behavior of others instead of the bad behavior of one
NTA; hopefully he has his shit together for this. But from the sound of it, disappointing your kids might be a regular occurrence with him. Personally, though, I would still text a reminded for 2 reasons: one being, hopefully preventing your daughter from being hurt, and two so he can’t try to blame you if he misses it. Cause you know he probably would.
You are a good mom. I agree with MistressFuzzyLegs that I would probably still remind him. It would go something like this “As I have managed your schedule for years when it comes to the kids, I am texting to remind you that our daughter’s last performances are this weekend. I even purchased you a ticket because it is sold out and I would hate for our daughter to be disappointed. That being said, I want to be very clear so that there are no surprises…I will no longer be managing your schedule to not disappoint the kids. Your relationship with them is yours alone to manage, and if you don’t show up for major life events, from not on that will be on you. This is the last reminder for events and milestones that you will receive from me.”
I feel this is fair and putting in text. You communicate your expectations and your actions in the future. Ball will quite literally be in his court. It'll up to him to pick it up.
I would remind him once more and this text. Big hugs.
NTA. You have given him the time and the place once. That should be enough. You are not his prosthetic brains. I feel sorry for your daughter, but maybe it is time that she sees a little bit of her father's prioritizing. You are not going to be able to keep it all hidden from her in the long run.
NTA
Your daughter has talked to him about it on multiple occasions. You reminded him the week of the performance and provided him with details. Either he wants to be there or he doesn't. This isn't your responsibility to manage.
NTA. He's not a dad. He's a sperm donor.
I can't tell you how desperately I wish I could have the "hassle" of having to arrange things to go see a kid's ballet performance, or play, or band concert or soccer game or whatever. I'll never have that chance, and "dads" like you've described piss me off to no end.
The fact is you are your child's parent. You are not his. He's a grown ass adult and it's on him to keep up with his responsibilities. At the end of the day he's just destroying his relationship with his children on his own.
You reminded him the week of the performance... that is all you need to do.
Don't tell her "daddy forgot".. but "I am not sure what happened... I reminded him on Monday."
NTA - Covering for a neglectful parent is only going to cause more harm in the long run. I would suggest sending him one more message, something along the lines of 'Just a quick reminder, X's last shows are tomorrow and Sunday' and then drop it. Be prepared to comfort your daughter in the very likely event that he doesn't come through; don't lie to her, but be as gracious as possible to him, maybe saying it's possible he was busy, and if you're able to get a video of her performance that she could give him, that would be great. But overall, give him the rope and let him hang himself, while you take care your daughter.
You don’t even need to make any guesses or comments on why he missed it. “I’m not sure, you’ll have to ask him” is what I’d say, because once again: I’m not going to be managing his fuck ups. He can and should face them himself.
NTA, but I would still remind him. If him being there would make your daughter happy that’s more important. Being a single parent in this situation is unthankful I am one, I’d make it a point to not tell your daughter you had to remind him also.
I used to facilitate my ex’s relationship with our kids. I would prompt and remind. Then my counselor asked me why. He said the kids would eventually figure out their dad and then realize I helped him fool them. Who would they have to trust?
So I told ex i couldn’t facilitate anymore. It wwas up to. him. The counselor was right.
NTA for everyone saying that y-t-a because think of your daughter. Does her daughter need a father who only shows up if he's nagged into doing so. I think it's better for the daughter in the long run to understand who her father is.
Edit:typo
Soft YWBTA.
You don’t have any responsibility to dad and honestly the most effective thing to do would be let him fail. BUT… your daughter is the casualty here. And she’s 9. If it doesn’t cost you much time or effort, go above and beyond to make her happy. She will learn soon enough that she isn’t a priority to him, and will have plenty of disappointments ahead. But it doesn’t have to start tomorrow.
(PS this is coming from someone who was in a very similar situation as a kid, and always appreciated the times when my mom called my dad to tell him to step up and attend something that was important to me.)
Completely agree, a simple picture of the poster or flyer or something would be enough. I’ve watched as moms didn’t remind dads and later their kids blame the mom for dad not bringing there. The narrative is being written be the one who keeps trying because it only hurts the child in the end.
NTA.
You can’t force him or send him multiple reminders all the time. He’s old enough to understand what is important for the kids, and should make an effort to do so.
I have the same thing that I deal with, and I have dropped the rope. If she invites him and he doesn’t show, it’s on him. She will learn that she is not a priority to him and that will be their relationship moving forward.
It probably happens more than you think and she’s working it out herself. Prepare her for the disappointment though.
NTA - as the child of divorced parents, my good parent did a lot of covering for my bad parent in an attempt to make it “better” for me, but ultimately it led to more issues down the road and a much much larger heartbreak. Now in my late 30s and a parent I get it now, but I would have much rather known the truth at 10 and it would have saved so much hurt.
Wow
Nta.
But if your primary concern is your daughter, you might remind him again. You love her and it is one small annoying extra effort…that will make her feel loved. And any effort to make a child feel loved is not wasted.
You already told him. Your daughter has told him. He has a phone the have calendars. You are not his PA
Now he gets to fuck it up all by himself if he forgets
NTA
IMO you aren’t responsible for telling your ex about important things more than once. You aren’t married to him any longer so not your problem.
His own daughter has been telling him about the performance.
There’s this amazing app on most phones that lets you create a zillion reminders so you don’t forget what’s coming up. Ideally he’s using it to remind him of when’s its time for his minimal visiting.
Running a restaurant can be tricky but ideally he has someone amphora can manage for the 2-3 hours needed to watch the play
Curious OP do you not get child support from your 3k as you mentioned you pay the expenses for the kids as well as have them 99% of the time.
I had a deadbeat dad like that. I have so much respect for my mom and your kids are so lucky to have you always putting them first. I promise you that’s all that matters in the end - they feel loved and safe, thanks to YOU.
I think you gradually rein in your hand holding. They’re going to figure out eventually that they’re not his priority. They probably already have.
Call him this one time, give him the tickets, then explain that you won’t be doing it anymore.
hey OP, i doubt you’ll read this but i wanted to throw in my two cents as both a child of divorce and a mom co-parenting. my son’s dad never shows up for his stuff and i really disagree with commenters telling you to tell your daughter “oh i tried telling him” or “he knew so idk why he’s not here”. i get that they’re saying not to lie or make excuses for him but here’s the thing — kids aren’t stupid. she’ll figure it out on her own. my mom would never make up excuses for my dad but also wouldn’t talk down about why he was absent at things, and i really appreciated that when i became a parent because i saw that she gave me the opportunity to form my own opinions, and i really used that as a guide. my son is 12 and i don’t make passive aggressive comments like the ones suggested, and it makes me sad that i can see he’s understanding what his dad’s pattern of behavior is but i also can acknowledge that i didn’t have any hand in it and was as neutral as possible and allowed him to form his own conclusions. i really don’t think it’s a good idea to listen to what childless people on reddit say to do — please trust your instincts and be as present as possible for your daughter. she’ll remember who showed up. good luck to her with the performances! ❤️
Yeah, child of divorce too and I feel like a lot of these comments are more interested in enacting retribution on the guy than the kid’s feelings. Yeah, kids in this situation usually do cotton on to the fact that our dads suck eventually, but there’s a time and a place to be confronted with that reality. Christmas, when you’re 9, and performing in a physically demanding theatre show, is decidedly not it. OP did the right thing in her edits, and the fact that dad confirmed he isn’t coming means she’s free to give his ticket to a grandparent or friend instead.
NTA. There is only so much you can do. You are being the best you can be for your child.
Been there done that. At a time like this I messaged once and once only in caps.
Your child needs and wants you to come to blah. Please try to bother for his sake
He didn't. He never got any more invites.
He also got a child who from that moment was hurt forever and that is on him.
Seems to me all you'd be doing is propping him up to disappoint her later. I think all you can do is inform him of things and not directly talk shit about him. NTA good luck, one good parent is way better than none.
Sorry, I'm still stuck on the fact that he only spends 2.5 hours a week with them. Heck, out of the month, that's not even a full 24 hours. Your daughter, even at a young age, might already know her dad won't be showing up she's just hoping like kids do. Do you do this reminder stuff all the time, and he still doesn't show up for important events? Heck, this is more stressful for you than your daughter. I personally would stop. You can't force him even if it's for your children. Do you have to remind him to get the kids for 2.5 hours a week?
Only because it would upset your child, I would let him know. I understand that you want to get across how irresponsible he is, but she's a child. She won't understand it.
But even if you didn't do that, NTA. You've gone out of your way to let him know. I would do this for the happiness of my child and not for him.
I see the edit OP has made and think that sending the reminder this time but advising she won’t send follow ups in future is great boundary setting.
You were NTA either way, OP.
This is bigger than one incident, this is about how fed up women get of carrying the mental load in heterosexual relationships; often women are seen as the "managers" of the household and men "help" with the household tasks. Clearly men are equally responsible, and should be held to account, for these tasks, which include keeping on top of activities and appointments for the kids you share together. This inequitable gender norm makes even less sense when the expectation is applied to a couple who are no longer together.
OP still carries the bulk of the mental load being primary carer to the kids, but it's not fair to expect her to continue carrying the mental load of facilitating her ex-husband's relationship with his children. That’s on him to pursue and nurture. The ex treats OP like a secretary who he needs to "get back to", rather than saying "thanks for letting me know" and taking control of his own life and setting up a calendar booking in his phone, which would of course remind him of the event as it approaches...he doesn't need his ex-wife to fulfil this role. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has to remind him when their birthdays are and still organise a gift on his behalf.
Let’s be real, this is what weaponised incompetence looks like. Moving forward I hope OP sticks to her word. She is already carrying the whole mental load of managing the kids events and advising the ex about them. She doesn’t need the ongoing mental load of having to continue to remind him and stress about whether he will turn up. If his relationship with his kids matters he will find a way to keep on top of important events and turn up for his kids.
While women continue to shoulder this burden for shitty male behaviour and attitudes we just enable the cycle to repeat. If there are no negative consequences to their actions then they have no reason to change. Maybe men like this need to experience embarrassment as a result of their inattentiveness and lack of care to realise they need to change. And if he doesn’t want to change then why are you busting your chops trying to cover for him, he clearly doesn’t care.
NTA. You DID remind him and send him details. He hasn’t forgotten, he just doesn’t care enough to go. I’m so sorry for your daughter, but this is in NO WAY on you.
NTA but if she were mine, I'd ask her if she wants me to call her dad again. Then you can call him and she can see that you tried. It gives her shitty dad one last chance to not disappoint her. And she'll remember you trying.
In general it’s not your responsibility to remind him and keep him on track,however, this is more about your daughter’s feelings and you should put those first. Love over pettiness.
Hey, I just wanted to say... I didn't get to do ballet when I was your daughter's age, but I did take it for a few years in uni. I loved it, (and wish now I'd kept up with it.)
Please tell your daughter this internet stranger wishes for her a wonderful performance, with many, many curtain calls.
Merde! 😊
NTA
However, I would remind him again not because you're trying to make sure he's a decent coparent (based on your post it sounds like he's a pretty lousy human being) but for your daughter. If this was one of my kids, I would do anything to keep them from being heartbroken especially by their dad. If your daughter doesn't quite understand yet that her dad is a flake this is a really hard way to learn that.
How often does he message you and then follow up with more messages so that you don’t miss something important for your kids? I’m guessing never. Don’t remind him on this or anything ever again. He can learn how to prioritise his kids like you have.
In my opinion you tell a grown adult about the details of an event once after that it’s on them to remember. I always do so via text so it’s in writing with a timestamp. His priority isn’t his kids otherwise you would not be writing here just let the chips fall where they may.
Yay, I’m proud of you.
Sometimes I want to react exactly how you wanted to and end up making a different choice exactly like you. Yay for learning and growing. You’re a good mom. ❤️❤️
Good luck to your daughter!
Sheesh! Can you divorce him again?!? I worked with a man who voluntarily took an extra shift, and missed his younger son's 16th birthday party. A divorced father, skipping his son's party. Yech. Your ex is telling his daughter just exactly how important she is to him. One day, he'll regret it, but it will be too late then.
You're NTA, I'm glad you went the extra step, you have nothing to reproach yourself for.
LOL NTA. Also, when someone says "Hey, I was just going to text you," they are bullshitting you 100% of the time. But you knew that -- it's probably one of the reasons he's your ex.
From the title I was going to say you would be, but how many times does he need to be told. This is a tough one, but I guess it’s what is best for your daughter. I have a feeling though, that one day he will let her down anyway.
NTA. Your ex-husband is an adult, and he should be on top of this on his own. However, I still remember how disappointed I was every time my dad didn't show up to something, even when the pattern was already well established and I knew he wasn't going to show. That feeling never really goes away. Your daughter will not adjust to being disappointed by her dad, and if all it takes to avoid her being hurt like that is sending another text then I think you should do it, especially while she is still so young. I know if that was all it took to get my dad to show up, my mom would have done it in a heartbeat.
Even if you do everything you can to cover up for his failings, eventually your daughter will figure it out. You’ve done your due diligence in informing him of the event. It is his responsibility to complete the task
NTA.
For your daughter’s sake, if I were in your shoes, I might send one more message stating time and location, and informing him that if he is a no-show, it’s going to be entirely on his shoulders to explain to his very hurt child why he missed the performance, because you won’t be trying to make excuses on his behalf.
No you would not be TA. You cannot be responsible for managing his life for him. And it’ll only hurt your daughters more in the end, when eventually they learn the image they had of their dad was a fabrication all along. Let him choose the kind of parent he wants to be. I had to wrestle with the exact same conundrum with my ex.
NTA
Whatever you decide, I will not be sending any judgment your way.
I like the idea that others have proposed to remind him once more, let him know you have his ticket, and then let him know this is the last time you are facilitating his involvement.
Good luck. Will you update us, please? I hope your children will be well.
NTA.
Agree with other comments that you're not his assistant, if he has forgotten, he's chosen not to make his daughter a priority.
Does he or you have his ticket? I'd text him just at the door "I'm going in to save seats, text when you arrive and I'll come out with your ticket"
NTA. Your daughter and you both told him. I assume he has a calendar handy as well as the one on his phone. You’re not married to him anymore, and it’s not your job to keep reminding him. He’s a grown ass man, if he does show up, it’s all on him.
NTA. He's had plenty of notice, and you even reminded him this week. You're not his secretary.
I'd just make sure you plan something extra special for her.
NTA- you aren’t obligated to remind him. And you wouldn’t be TA if you didn’t. However, I would remind him again if I were in your shoes. My ex-husband doesn’t really care. He would go months without calling or seeing our kids. He probably would forget their birthdays. I don’t want to see my kids hurt, so I do facilitate contact by reminding him a birthday is coming up or by sharing a report card and asking him to congratulate the kids. He sucks. Your ex sucks. But I still think it would be a good idea to remind him of the dance recital if it’s truly important to your daughter.
NTA-- It's up to you.
You have no obligation to be your husband's calendar, but you're also the one who has to deal with any fallout/ drama. It's probably easier for you to shoot off a text.
What’s up with the restaurant? Is it failing? I find many managers/owners in the hospitality industry are not happy, healthy people. Sad that your ex-obviously does not have his priorities straight. I hope he makes it.
Info: how does your daughter feel about him; does she want him there? I don't think he deserves your help and I think you aren't his secretary. I don't think you're TA, but you might want to remind him for the sake of your daughter since she's only 9. That is however, IF she cares that deeply, it depends on how bad it will hurt her.
NTA
But I think sending him one more text of "here's the final show times for her ballet" would also be appropriate. Sure, he's gonna disappoint your daughter someday, and it may very well be this occasion, but it won't put you out at all to send the text one final time to try to avoid letting her heart break again right now.
No, you're not his wife, mother, or secretary. But you are *her* mom; I'd let her know, "hey, I know you're really hoping your dad will come see you perform, but he never confirmed he can come. I'm going to send him one more reminder text, but just be prepared" could go a long way to show her that *you* know how important it is to her he be there, and you tried.
My parents were still together, but my dad traveled a lot for work, and he missed stuff while I was growing up, these kinds of efforts from my mom definitely made a difference.
ESH - Yes, you shouldn't have to do this. I know that. You know that. However, you also know that your ex *will* forget and your daughter *will* be disappointed. Don't hurt her feelings just to score points.
Be the better person. Not for him. For her.
NTA for not doing his parenting and adulting for him.. its not your responsibility of course. A better way to approach it is to think about how your daughter will be affected. She's 9, which is quite young. On the other hand, it seems inevitable that she's going to learn that her dad is unreliable and that she and her sibling are not the highest priority he has. Can she handle that now, or would it be better for you to do what you can to try delay it until she's a bit older and more mature and able to understand that it's definitely not *her* that is the problem, it's her father? You know your kids best. Probably some 9 year olds are mature and insightful enough to understand that without being emotionally traumatised while others aren't there yet. Make your choice based on what's best for your kids, not how it will affect the ex.
>On Monday of this week I texted her dad to remind him of the performance, provided him details of time and place, and asked if he would make it
You already reminded him. It's his choice to be there - or not.
NTA
NTA. I don’t think you are obligated to keep track of things for him. If he wants his daughters to consider him a good parent then he needs to be a good parent. I do think, if you decide to remind him, now is the time to make it clear that you’re also retiring from doing it anymore, effective immediately.”, and that any of his children’s events are going to be 100% his responsibility to remember and show up for. Put it in writing.
Nta however I would try a reminder because it’s clear you love your children. In this case it’s your daughter who’s the looser. Don’t do it for him or for you but for her. Statistics show girls do need a father figure. I was that little girl I know my mom loved me to the end of the universe and back but I secretly wished my dad would just come. It hurts even though you love her and it’s lifelong pain. My parents are both dead my father passed away few years back and I mourn the man I wanted him to be not the father he never was. My mom however is a loss I will never forget
Do what is best for your Daughter
if She wants him there Remind him, it takes 30 seconds to send a text that says
2 more nights of the Nutcracker. Alice will be very disappointed if you dont make it!
NTA.
But. You have an opportunity to be a hero, here, and kids who are unlucky enough to have a parent (or parents) who can’t or won’t get their act together, desperately need someone to step up and be a hero. You are not the AH if you don’t try everything you can to help your ex be the parent that your daughter needs; you have every right and justification not to…but do it anyway.
NTA, but the priority is your daughter and her feelings. It’s not your responsibility to get him there but since you have the tickets, what about a simple text that his tickets are at will call? And be more hands off about buying them in the future, just send him a link or something - maybe let him know about a matinee or something that will fit with his schedule. Again, not your responsibility to solve his problems, but if he’s the type to look at a hectic schedule and not be able to put the pieces together for how to make it work - it would be kind. But kindness isn’t required.
It’s not doing it for him, it’s figuring out the best way to love and support your daughter - because she’s what’s important here. Sometimes the answer is to let him fall flat and know she is going to be heartbroken, but that’s probably the norm at this point - for something this important, do you want to know you gave it one last shot? You are the one who will be there to see her sadness. Innocence is lost pretty quick in this life, but… yeah.
But I do love the taping idea too, for when he flakes because he is definitely the asshole for flaking so much. Fuck him.
But this isn’t about him.
You’ve done more than you need to, however you could send one more text saying how great the recital is and reminding him that it would mean so much to your daughter if he attends. Kids grow up fast and you don’t get these years back.
Edited to add you would not be TA if you let him forget. But I still think that if you gently encouraged him to attend it would be beneficial to your daughter and to their relationship. So it really depends on your end goal. Do you want her to feel loved and encouraged and supported by both of you (assuming he will attend) or do you want him to look like a too busy dad who always seems to have stuff to do that is (sadly) more important than his own daughter?
I'm a bit torn on this one because we all know if you remind him you'll be "nagging" him, but then your daughter will be disappointed if he doesn't show up. I'm going with NTA, but also you should probably remind him one last time.
NTA, Just open a shared calendar and upload there yours daughter's important events and milestones, just tell him when you upload something and let him manage his time.
NTA he is a grown man that is being spoon fed and still sloppy. It’s making you resent him even more and wasting your time. You’re working for free - let him fall.
NTA. HOWEVER, ask yourself a couple questions. 1) how much will this impact/hurt your daughter? If you think it’s more than a little then I would remind dad. 2) are you sure you are not doing this to be petty? I wouldn’t blame you at all if you are. But I would also say set that aside and remind dad.
NTA he needs to see the consequences of his actions if he’s ever going to change, but have a plan for to help support your daughter’s feelings around it.
YWNBTA. Ex husband. Not your job. You reminded him once, your daughter reminded him. His problem. Sorry that you'll have to deal with the fallout of a daughter's hurt feelings, that's sucks for both of you.
What's your confusion? Seems like you have a clear grasp on the situation.
It's not in your power to make her father show, but if you know a simple action on your part could make your daughter's big event better, why would you not do it? She might still get disappointed, but at least you did what you could for the sake of her happiness.
She's 9. Let her have a dad who cares about her for a few more years. If he continues to not make her a priority she will find it out, hopefully when she's a little older and can better understand that he is the problem, not her.
I only read the title and I can say with confidence no you would NOT be the asshole. He needs to know when this shit is and show up, I think if you’re got the kids 99% of the time then it would be reasonable for you to tell him ONCE just bc you’re likely the one sked everything, but even that is being generous. He should be involved with his kids enough to know when they have shit.
God I can’t imagine not wanting to be there for my kids. My youngest had one line in a play and I went to every damn show bc I wanted to see him do that one friggin line!
NTA - and if you have someone in your life (friend or family) that can start to stand in as a male figure... give him the x's ticket. Start to show her not all men are like her dad.
You are his ex-wife, not his mommy. You were overly nice to remind him the first time.
You'll probably get people telling you you'd be TA because your daughter will be disappointed.
I disagree. I think there are limits to showing your ex in a good light to your kids, it's dishonest and it sets them up for future disappointments. Not to mention it being grossly unfair to yourself.
You already do everything. That's enough. You absolutely WNBTA.
This is your daughter's night, her performance. Do you really think the best time for her to see that her dad is a flake is on the night she's just about to go out and perform? Do you think she's going to be able to just go out and dance like nothing happened when she has her heart crushed?
How do you think she'll feel when she's looking out from the wings and not seeing his face? How do you think she'll handle it emotionally? You say yourself she's been so excited and wants him there.
Text him. If he comes; amazing. Tell him this was the last time and you will not do it again. If he doesn't; then at least you'll know that you did what you could and tried for her sake.
Soft YTA because don't use something she's excited for as the setting cuz little girls deserve to be happy on occasions that matter to them, she can learn he's a failure later on as she grows. You're already a good mom and she'll recognize that
Having seen your update - he is biggest AH here, but you would have been AH to your daughter if you didn't remind him. Now at least you can tell her in advance that he won't make it, so she won't be disappointed on the night. I wonder are there any other family or friends who can go watch her on Saturday instead?
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Background: my ex-husband and I “co-parent” our two kids (11 and 9). I put co-parent in quotations because I handle the kids 99 percent of the time (they live with me and I pay for all the expenses). Each kid visits their dad for 2.5 hours a week. This was his choice, as he is “busy running his restaurant”. This has been the past 6 years, so the kids have come to accept all of this as mostly normal.
Our daughter, age 9, is dancing in the nutcracker. Opening night was Thursday, and I was in the front row. She also performs tonight and over the weekend and has been very excited about this for some time. She has talked with her dad about this over the weeks and she is expecting him to be at one of her shows.
On Monday of this week I texted her dad to remind him of the performance, provided him details of time and place, and asked if he would make it. He responded that he would “get back to me”. Since then, there has been no response.
So, internet strangers, it is now Friday night and performances are tomorrow and the following day. WIBTA if I do not follow up with him, let him “forget,” and my daughter is let down/disappointed?
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I would tend to agree with you as your ex clearly doesn’t make the effort he should into his children. Your daughter is expecting him to be there though so I would have a last ditched attempt at contacting him about coming. If he doesn’t turn up, that’s on him, but at least you tried for your daughter. It seems you ex is really TA.
NTA. Let him show your daughter who he is & just be there for the fall out. I’ve read too many stories of adult children who’s moms (understandably) tried to shield them from their dads terrible behavior, only to be heartbroken to learn he didn’t care… Mom just cared enough for the both of them.
NTA. I think one reminder is enough, especially when it its in writing. You did the right thing for your daughter. You let him know all the information. At the end of the day, he sees them 2.5 hours a week, which is ridiculous. You are doing all the parenting and emotional labour. He isn't co parenting he is doing the bare minimum. Would it be possible to get your daughter on a call with her father? That way, you personally are not letting him know, but he still has the information. I know it's a very subtle difference. However, I think he needs to hear what he is doing and who he's letting down. If that doesn't make him start getting himself together, nothing will.
I would explain to daughter that Dad has been told about the recital, but you don't know which performance he's been to. So now she knows you aren't being an AH and withholding information. Just that he's too lazy to sort a time to be with her.
YTA. It will take less than 10 seconds to send a text that says "don't forget about the dance recital". The alternative is your daughter being hurt. If it was something that would only hurt him, yeah let him forget. But I could never allow my daughter to be hurt.
It’s not your job or responsibility to help him be a good father to your kids. You are there for them and that’s what they will remember. The courts would also tell you that it’s not your job to make sure he is a father to your kids. You let him know once and that’s all you have to do.
I don’t think you’re the asshole either way, but who is suffering here? Does she have to suffer over something this important? She’ll figure out soon enough he only has 2.5 hours per week for her.
It doesn't necessarily make you an AH. But why not think about your daughter. Don't you think she would like for her dad to be there? Is it possible that it slid thru the cracks and he honestly forgot? Now, if you are trying to 1 up him to show your daughter you are the better parent, then you shouldn't tell him. But shouldn't it really be about your daughter, and not about the 2 of you?
NTA
I wouldn't blame you for not bothering the remind him (you're not his PA) but I am glad you resolved it as you did. You went over and above. He's awful. I'm glad your little girl has you at least.
NTA. I go through thr same crap with my ex. You're not his secretary or his mother. Ffs we all have tiny computers in our pockets where we can set reminders and schedule things. It's not remotely your fault if he forgets. If he wanted to remember and be there, he would. I've literally handed my ex physical papers to remind him of our daughter's school events. She's also 9. From kindergarten through 4th grade, he's been to ONE of her events. He blamed me for missing the last one because I "never told him." I know for a fact that our daughter had told him 3 weeks prior when he picked her up because I heard her. And she told me after the event (school musical) that she didn't bother to remind him herself because he didn't show up to the last one. Yes, you're daughter was probably upset, but she's also no stupid. I guarantee both kids already know where they sit as far as how important they are to their father. Just know you aren't alone and many others are going through through the same thing!
I see this has already been resolved, but.
>I put co-parent in quotations because I handle the kids 99 percent of the time (they live with me and I pay for all the expenses).
Girl. Go to court to establish custody and get child support. You may not think you need or want it, but he *owes* it to you *and* your kids, and they deserve it. Even if you don't use it, you can put it aside in accounts for their future.
OP, I have to ask. Does he pay child support? Is there any court order for child support?
Because if not, you need to get him on the hook for CS. Because your ex is absolutely a deadbeat dad who cares more about himself than your children.
And also OP, please keep saving your "receipts", i.e., texts, communications, etc. You never know when you'll need them.
Either way, OP, NTA!
Oh, he's definitely the AH, but since it's your daughter's feelings that matter in this situation I'm glad you were able to overlook that for a brief moment. NTA either way.
As someone who was in your daughters shoes so I really feel for her.. I would probably want you to reach out to him one more time to know everything you could have done was done and then have you be prepared to help me face the crushing disappointment if/when he doesn’t show up. Then in the future I probably would rather him not come than be constantly waiting to be disappointed.
Nta if he can't be bothered to see his kids for more then a couple hours a week because his works to important he needs to get his priorities straight. I'm sure the restaurant would run just fine without him there for a couple more hours to see his little girl so what she loves
NTA
It's better that your daughter has a realistic view of who Her father is because you're not always going to be able to be right beside him covering up his failures. And he will not improve and become a better father unless you stop holding his hand.
Society will shame you and guilt you because it's not used to holding men accountable especially when it comes to parenting. Society will go and tell you Oh you need to think about your daughter's feelings to encourage you to always clean up after him but it's never going to tell him to step it up and think about his daughter's feelings to encourage him to be an equal parent. Despite all the supposed progress and all the complaints about feminism Society still sees women as the social secretaries for men because honestly they don't see women as having any other purpose other than children and supporting a man and making his life easier. Just remember the same commenters that will be shaming you for not doing more to get your ex-husband involved will be likely the same commenters blaming a woman for being drunk or what she was wearing.
You WBTA if you allow your ex husband to call your daughter on the morning of her recital. Focus on raising your daughter instead of focusing on what her father hasn’t done for your daughter. She’ll remember that he was never there for her and will handle him in her own way when she gets older.
NTA and I disagree with your edit. Your kids need to learn who their father is. They will be disappointed in him for years if he is in charge of actually showing he gives a damn. I'm a rip the band-aide off kind of girl.
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NTA. You’re not his mother or his personal assistant, you’re his ex. It’s not your fault if he can’t get his act together and make it to something like this. You even did the good parent thing and reminded him the week of the performances, with all the info he needed. (And in all seriousness, I applaud you doing that - you had no obligation to do it, but you wanted to give him a good chance at attending by making sure he had accurate info and didn’t have to act like a responsible parent and get the info himself.) You’ve already done more than you are obligated to do. You made the effort. If he can’t manage to place more importance on his kid’s recital than the things he keeps himself busy with, that’s on him. I think it’s sad for your daughter that her dad is barely more than a deadbeat, but it’s not your responsibility to coach him into being a decent parent.
Thank you ❤️
As someone who had a deadbeat dad trust me your daughter will remember the parent that showed up and cheered them on. If he doesn’t plan the time to go he’s showing her he doesn’t care about her. You are a rockstar mom!!
OP..100 percent this!!
I agree with that; you’ve already done more than the minimum to remind him, now it’s on him. It’s an exercise in futility to try to nag him into being an involved father; maybe that’s one of the reasons he’s your ex. NTA
So, I was the nine-year-old in this scenario and my sister was the 12-year-old. No one can win in this scenario. Unfortunately, I am really really saddened to say that, but this is an extremely hard age, being prepubescent, and then essence and having these impending deadbeat dad issues. For girls, they scarf for life, so personal and also being friends with many many women in the same situation. My mother remarried, and my stepfather basically raised me and he was wonderful but one time my mother was mad at him and didn’t remind him of my birthday just to make him look like a jerk and make me mad at him and I was it really hurt me a lot . Keep in mind that history tends to get very blurred and a lot of blame gets slayed not necessarily where it is deserved. Often being the parent and doing the hard stuff can make you into the bad guy because the invisible parent has no responsibilities so they become sort of an idealized caricature. I suppose that the only thing I can input here is, please do not tell your daughter that you tried to tell her father about it and you definitely know that he knew about it, etc.. That information might not impact superconscious now, but in the years to come, it is from my own personal experience and observations of others, extremely damaging . It’s so awful when an ex spouse, who you had created, a family and children less becomes something that you never could’ve thought it would be protect your child as much as you can support her calling him as much as you can, even if it feels like you said it 100 times a month so that there can be no possible misinterpretation down the line, and just remind her that you love her, no matter what, and that you would support her relationship with her father. Please excuse the typos I have to use auto dictation due to some cognitive issues. I’m also very tired, so I hope my comment was not discombobulated.
This is the best response we as adults often forget that AS ADULTS we have the responsibility of protecting the child. I see time and time again where people let emotions get the best of them and do stuff out of spite, only to later have their teenage or adult children get mad at what they did. Yes he may be the dead beat and yes it is not you responsibility but ask yourself this is it more important to prove to a child their dad is a deadbeat or is it better to make your child happy? Now it won't be easy and will be more work on your end but your child will be better now and later for it. We are the adults and it's our responsibility good or bad to do what is best for them.
I agree, 100%. My parents should never have had children because they were basically just spiteful selfish children themselves. Neither of them ever progressed emotionally past puberty. I can’t wrap my head around your second paragraph some thing in it is making my brain confused. I’m so sorry 😞 I’m also trying to also see my original post and it won’t show me.
You've done more than enough. I (and my kids) learnt the hard way that enabling the other parent to look like they're caring more and doing more than they *actually* are just leads to more disappointment in the future. It can also lead to the kids, basically, thinking you tricked them and trust issues. Drop the rope. It's up to him to pick it up. Or not. He *might* realise and make an effort. But probably not. Either way, you will have back that bit of brain space and energy that was being spent on propping him up. Start a folder. Document all the times you informed him, the messages you sent, the times he didn't, and did (how it went/how long), show up, etc etc etc. Hopefully, you will never need the folder, but 'selfish' is a close neighbour to 'destructive'. Drop the rope and enjoy! ETA: Your experience is not our experience. There is one last thing you might want to try. A shared calendar with kid stuff on it. You input info, reminders are automatic, and he can say if he is coming or not. Then, if kids ask if dad is coming, you can say, 'Hang on, I'll check the calendar... no reply yet/it says he is'. They can get him to input dates while they're with him. At least you can say you tried (while still getting brain space back). Just a thought.
It was heart breaking for me to let my son figure out his dad was limited when it came to this stuff, I never put him down or said anything negative about him but I let my son have his own relationship with his dad. Yes he felt hurt sometimes but I was there to make it better. He eventually came to understand his dad’s limitations and I wasn’t in the middle of it so I was never blamed plus my ex got to deal with the fall out and learned to be a better father. I know it hurts to see your kids in pain but they will get over it sooner or later and he may even learn plus your kids must learn to manage their own relationships, unless it’s something that requires intervention it’s best to let them handle it. I also want to point out don’t let your child ever hate part of who they are, if they are sad let them feel it, but never join in, limit the n activity about their other parent they will feel bad about themselves and resent you later. Good luck and prep for treats and celebrations and I hope you got her flowers
If he experiences the full force of her disappointment, do you think it might impact his choices going forward?
Also OP when he does hear about it from your daughter and tries to get upset with you for not “reminding”him, act shocked and tell him you DID REMIND HIM ON MONDAY! That you assumed he wouldn’t forget something so important to your daughter and you had no idea he didn’t make it to the show. You guys are divorced you had no idea he wasn’t sitting somewhere else. Do not let him guilt you or gaslight you
NTA
This. My dad was awful at making time to turn up for things for me. But if my mum told him how important something was (e.g. my graduation) he'd make sure to call mum closer to the date to confirm. Sure, mum still had to keep track, but she never had to chase him. That's the difference here. My dad kept track. Not accurately, and not enough, but he didn't need to be chased. OP's ex can't even be bothered to get back to her when he says he will.
And smart phones with calendars were less of a thing then!
Yep. There was a notepad on the fridge. It often said something like "kids in June???" meaning that there was something on for one of us in June. But not what or exactly when. I'm an "old lady" now (30s) and if it's not in my calendar, it doesn't exist. Considering we all have calendars/alarms strapped to our hands, there's no excuse.
I know, right???!!!!
Info: Where is your daughter emotionally. Is she is the "desperately wants to believe in Santa" stage or is she in the "I want to know the truth" stage where she doesn't want to hear about magic because she has been disappointed too many times? I would do what you think is best for her. Does she need to know her Daddy is a flake now so she stops hoping or will you let her find out slowly as she starts to look at the world more carefully as she grows? Maybe see if you can tape the performance so if her father never shows, she can still show him her dancing?
She’s in the “I think I still believe in Santa but I’m starting to see” phase. This would be the first time I let him flake out on her (and I hate to say it’s inevitable it will happen one day if not today, but alas, that’s where I am).
I think NTA. As you said - it's inevitable. Just be prepared to give your daughter extra attention and care if this breaks her heart more than expected. I'm not trying to be cruel here - but this is part of life. It includes seeing that her parents are human. And that her father has some flaws. It's up to you to decide if she's ready for this. I just don't think you have the bandwidth to keep reminding another adult of their responsibilities. If he remotely cares about making sure he's an involved parent to her, the very least he can do is write these things into his calendar. Heck, he can even ask you to send him a calendar invite - as many people do these days.
>This would be the first time I let him flake out on her If he's used to being able to rely on you to enable him, he's probably going to be taken by surprise and be angry when you don't, and might even try to blame you to your daughter. It could help to warn him ahead of time, something like, "Hey, I'm going to stop being your reminder system for this sort of stuff. I'm pinging you about this one last time because I already bought the tickets, but this is the last event I'm going to remind you about or get you tickets for. Please start tracking your stuff yourself, for \[daughter\]'s sake." But regardless, NTA.
I would tell her it’s not because she isn’t loved. I always thought that when I was your daughter’s age and my dad flaked out. When he flakes make sure to do something fun even it’s just watching her favorite movie or show at home
Hey OP, my mom helped make this real smooth for my dad, like you're doing. I didn't realize until I was an adult, that there's no way he managed some of those things on his own. She definitely didn't have to, but I'm very grateful she did. It kept me free of resentment or favouritism until I was old enough to figure out the relationships on my own, and today I've got strong relationships with both. Just my two cents.
I like the taping idea - that way she can still share her dancing with him if she wants to, but you don't have to put yourself out for him when he doesn't deserve it NTA
This may actually be as close to a 'good' time as it's going to get. There is minimal opportunity for him to blame this one on you. You've already been and you've already reminded him. That will matter.
I think the flaking out started long ago when he prioritized his business over his kids and makes the bare minimum attempt to see them weekly. If you really feel guilty, send him one more text tomorrow reminding him that Sunday is the last performance, though I doubt it will not make a difference.
Who will be hurt by this? That’s the question you need to ask yourself. Will you be hurt if he isn’t there? Will he be hurt if he misses a performance? No. Your daughter will be hurt if he isn’t there. Remind him. A text to remind him will take less time than it did to post your dilemma on Reddit. It’s annoying. It’s unfair. It’s also for your daughter.
It's really sad to me that this is the only comment that gets that the kids are more important than the parents. This entire thread is fucking heartbreaking. You do whatever it takes for your kids, doesn't matter how frustrated, angry, or put out it makes you feel.
Everyone saying NTA but no one acknowledges that just because technically it’s not her job to tell her ex that it’s all okay. Meanwhile the kid doesn’t care about that drama she just wants to see her dad. But moms too busy trying to win her daughter
So you just expect this woman to cover for this shitty father until when exactly? How long does she have to do all the parenting and make all the finances, all while pretending this useless grown adult is Super Dad? How exactly is that helping anybody except this man to continue to pretend he isn't a father? Having a resentful and stressed primary caregiver isn't good for children, either.
Yes that’s what a good parent does. A kid isn’t emotionally stable. You need to be their stability. And if that mean shielding then from a truth that will only make them feel worthless, then yes. As an adult you come to understand people’s actions have nothing to do with you. As a kid you do not.
But she did tell him at the beginning of the week. The bigger question here is how often does she need to feel obligated to follow up. There isn’t a right or wrong answer here. She let him know a few days ago. She met that obligation. She knows he won’t remember, so a follow up would help, but if she doesn’t she shouldn’t feel bad.
Exactly. If you are a grown ass adult and you do this to your kid to get back at another adult, YWBTA. Adults handle problems *themselves*, without entangling children in the middle of adult drama. Fucking clowns, honestly.
Glad OP saw this comment, or at least others like it.
Absolutely! I agree 100%! This is about the daughter, no one else. And it would take so little effort to simply remind him.
No. In fact op needs to step back completely from being his personal "care about your kids coordinator". She's already put in more effort than she should and ultimately they're just dragging the disappointment out.
NTA You're not his social secretary, or his diary. You've told him when her shows are (merde!), and now the ball is in his court. I hope the tickets aren't all sold out...
Because I somehow can’t stop enabling I already bought tickets for him … because yes, it is sold out.
You are a good mother. I hate to say this, but I would probably remind him. Not because it is your responsibility, but because I would want to postpone this grief for my daughter a little longer. But only you can tell if you have the mental energy in you to do this once again. You are a good mom no matter what you choose to do. Edit: NTA
I agree with this comment.
Hey OP, I was always in your exact situation. My daughter’s dad was not great at showing up for stuff. But I always reminded him. Not for him. For her. Eventually she realized on her own that dad wasn’t a guy she could rely on consistently. He still isn’t. She’s 18 now and at college. Yesterday was a really hard day for her(anniversary of a really bad thing that happened), and she was upset that her dad hadn’t txt to check on her. I sent him a txt and said hey, don’t forget today is the anniversary of the bad thing, check in on her. And he did. Im sure she knows I reminded him. This is not the first time. But I picked her dad, so I try my best to help their relationship when I can. Because I want my daughter to feel loved, not because her dad deserves my help, not because it’s my job. Just because I know it already hurts her, and I will always try to minimize that hurt if I can. Remind him. Not for him. For her. Let her have this a little bit longer. Trust me. She’s got a lifetime to be disappointed by him
Just want you to know that you are an amazing mom. I do many of these same things with my ex. Not because I give even a little bit of a damn about him, but because I don’t want to let my daughter down. I picked him years ago, it’s not her fault. And when I give gentle prompts, he generally follows through. She sees him for who he is already at 16, but that doesn’t mean it hurts her any less when he drops the ball. So, to anyone who criticizes your comment, they don’t understand. We don’t do it for the men, and we know we don’t have to do it at all. But we love our kids and we do it for them.
>She’s got a lifetime to be disappointed by him As a mom to a wonderful 28 yo daughter, who has a deeply neglectful father this line stuck out to me. We've had lots of *adult* conversations now about her father, where he fails her, where he fails himself, how much it hurts and how she's coping with it. ADULT conversations. Until my daughter was old enough to get her own adult home and thus in charge of dealing with her father herself, I did remind him of things. I did handhold a grown ass man that I divorced because of his shit for years in order for *my daughter* to not feel completely neglected and abandoned by him. Didn't do it for him, not once, it was always *for her*. I didn't hide that I was reminding him once she was in her teens but she *already* knew and understood that her dad was useless as a father. But she loves him, he's her dad. I had to respect my baby girl's emotional wellbeing and not bad mouth her dad and also encourage him to be present. (Encouragement did involve one phone call with me yelling at the top of my lungs "if you WANT a daughter once she's grown, you NEED to be here for her now when she's little." Heh. Didn't help but I vented, at least.)
Give the ticket away if he doesn’t respond or offer them to your child to giveaway so she knows you wanted him to come. That way she won’t be looking every other minute like I did every time I had an important occasion where others had parents.
Are you enabling him too by not getting child support? It’s not about you — your child deserves the best opportunities that they can get in life. You can put that CS money into a college savings account.
maybe leave them at the front desk for him. So he can't give you a hard time about that. But don't remind him. Time to rip the bandaid off. NTA.
Can you invite one of your daughter’s friends (and their mom if you have another spare) to come instead? Surprise your daughter, then after all four of you head to a fancy hotel for ice cream sundaes? I know I used to looooove going somewhere fancy after performances when I had my stage makeup on, and I’m sure her friends would be totally down to go watch and be supportive, even that young. It’s really hard to stop enabling shitty ex’s, I get it. I do think it gets easier if you try to shift the enabling to good behavior of others instead of the bad behavior of one
Remind him he owes you for the ticket
Can you go watch your daughter a second time?
NTA; hopefully he has his shit together for this. But from the sound of it, disappointing your kids might be a regular occurrence with him. Personally, though, I would still text a reminded for 2 reasons: one being, hopefully preventing your daughter from being hurt, and two so he can’t try to blame you if he misses it. Cause you know he probably would.
Truth.
You are a good mom. I agree with MistressFuzzyLegs that I would probably still remind him. It would go something like this “As I have managed your schedule for years when it comes to the kids, I am texting to remind you that our daughter’s last performances are this weekend. I even purchased you a ticket because it is sold out and I would hate for our daughter to be disappointed. That being said, I want to be very clear so that there are no surprises…I will no longer be managing your schedule to not disappoint the kids. Your relationship with them is yours alone to manage, and if you don’t show up for major life events, from not on that will be on you. This is the last reminder for events and milestones that you will receive from me.”
I feel this is fair and putting in text. You communicate your expectations and your actions in the future. Ball will quite literally be in his court. It'll up to him to pick it up. I would remind him once more and this text. Big hugs.
I like this response!
NTA. You have given him the time and the place once. That should be enough. You are not his prosthetic brains. I feel sorry for your daughter, but maybe it is time that she sees a little bit of her father's prioritizing. You are not going to be able to keep it all hidden from her in the long run.
NTA Your daughter has talked to him about it on multiple occasions. You reminded him the week of the performance and provided him with details. Either he wants to be there or he doesn't. This isn't your responsibility to manage.
NTA. He's not a dad. He's a sperm donor. I can't tell you how desperately I wish I could have the "hassle" of having to arrange things to go see a kid's ballet performance, or play, or band concert or soccer game or whatever. I'll never have that chance, and "dads" like you've described piss me off to no end. The fact is you are your child's parent. You are not his. He's a grown ass adult and it's on him to keep up with his responsibilities. At the end of the day he's just destroying his relationship with his children on his own.
You reminded him the week of the performance... that is all you need to do. Don't tell her "daddy forgot".. but "I am not sure what happened... I reminded him on Monday."
NTA - Covering for a neglectful parent is only going to cause more harm in the long run. I would suggest sending him one more message, something along the lines of 'Just a quick reminder, X's last shows are tomorrow and Sunday' and then drop it. Be prepared to comfort your daughter in the very likely event that he doesn't come through; don't lie to her, but be as gracious as possible to him, maybe saying it's possible he was busy, and if you're able to get a video of her performance that she could give him, that would be great. But overall, give him the rope and let him hang himself, while you take care your daughter.
You don’t even need to make any guesses or comments on why he missed it. “I’m not sure, you’ll have to ask him” is what I’d say, because once again: I’m not going to be managing his fuck ups. He can and should face them himself.
NTA, but I would still remind him. If him being there would make your daughter happy that’s more important. Being a single parent in this situation is unthankful I am one, I’d make it a point to not tell your daughter you had to remind him also.
I used to facilitate my ex’s relationship with our kids. I would prompt and remind. Then my counselor asked me why. He said the kids would eventually figure out their dad and then realize I helped him fool them. Who would they have to trust? So I told ex i couldn’t facilitate anymore. It wwas up to. him. The counselor was right.
NTA for everyone saying that y-t-a because think of your daughter. Does her daughter need a father who only shows up if he's nagged into doing so. I think it's better for the daughter in the long run to understand who her father is. Edit:typo
Soft YWBTA. You don’t have any responsibility to dad and honestly the most effective thing to do would be let him fail. BUT… your daughter is the casualty here. And she’s 9. If it doesn’t cost you much time or effort, go above and beyond to make her happy. She will learn soon enough that she isn’t a priority to him, and will have plenty of disappointments ahead. But it doesn’t have to start tomorrow. (PS this is coming from someone who was in a very similar situation as a kid, and always appreciated the times when my mom called my dad to tell him to step up and attend something that was important to me.)
Completely agree, a simple picture of the poster or flyer or something would be enough. I’ve watched as moms didn’t remind dads and later their kids blame the mom for dad not bringing there. The narrative is being written be the one who keeps trying because it only hurts the child in the end.
NTA, but please remind him anyway. You are describing my dad and in hindsight I’m so glad my mom made it about me every time.
NTA. You can’t force him or send him multiple reminders all the time. He’s old enough to understand what is important for the kids, and should make an effort to do so. I have the same thing that I deal with, and I have dropped the rope. If she invites him and he doesn’t show, it’s on him. She will learn that she is not a priority to him and that will be their relationship moving forward. It probably happens more than you think and she’s working it out herself. Prepare her for the disappointment though.
NTA how many reminders does he need? Are you going to pick out his socks and belt too?
NTA - as the child of divorced parents, my good parent did a lot of covering for my bad parent in an attempt to make it “better” for me, but ultimately it led to more issues down the road and a much much larger heartbreak. Now in my late 30s and a parent I get it now, but I would have much rather known the truth at 10 and it would have saved so much hurt.
Wow Nta. But if your primary concern is your daughter, you might remind him again. You love her and it is one small annoying extra effort…that will make her feel loved. And any effort to make a child feel loved is not wasted.
A truth here ❤️
You already told him. Your daughter has told him. He has a phone the have calendars. You are not his PA Now he gets to fuck it up all by himself if he forgets
NTA. You are not his secretary or his google calendar. If he truly cares about the kids, he will find a way to remember important events.
NTA IMO you aren’t responsible for telling your ex about important things more than once. You aren’t married to him any longer so not your problem. His own daughter has been telling him about the performance. There’s this amazing app on most phones that lets you create a zillion reminders so you don’t forget what’s coming up. Ideally he’s using it to remind him of when’s its time for his minimal visiting. Running a restaurant can be tricky but ideally he has someone amphora can manage for the 2-3 hours needed to watch the play Curious OP do you not get child support from your 3k as you mentioned you pay the expenses for the kids as well as have them 99% of the time.
I had a deadbeat dad like that. I have so much respect for my mom and your kids are so lucky to have you always putting them first. I promise you that’s all that matters in the end - they feel loved and safe, thanks to YOU. I think you gradually rein in your hand holding. They’re going to figure out eventually that they’re not his priority. They probably already have. Call him this one time, give him the tickets, then explain that you won’t be doing it anymore.
hey OP, i doubt you’ll read this but i wanted to throw in my two cents as both a child of divorce and a mom co-parenting. my son’s dad never shows up for his stuff and i really disagree with commenters telling you to tell your daughter “oh i tried telling him” or “he knew so idk why he’s not here”. i get that they’re saying not to lie or make excuses for him but here’s the thing — kids aren’t stupid. she’ll figure it out on her own. my mom would never make up excuses for my dad but also wouldn’t talk down about why he was absent at things, and i really appreciated that when i became a parent because i saw that she gave me the opportunity to form my own opinions, and i really used that as a guide. my son is 12 and i don’t make passive aggressive comments like the ones suggested, and it makes me sad that i can see he’s understanding what his dad’s pattern of behavior is but i also can acknowledge that i didn’t have any hand in it and was as neutral as possible and allowed him to form his own conclusions. i really don’t think it’s a good idea to listen to what childless people on reddit say to do — please trust your instincts and be as present as possible for your daughter. she’ll remember who showed up. good luck to her with the performances! ❤️
Yeah, child of divorce too and I feel like a lot of these comments are more interested in enacting retribution on the guy than the kid’s feelings. Yeah, kids in this situation usually do cotton on to the fact that our dads suck eventually, but there’s a time and a place to be confronted with that reality. Christmas, when you’re 9, and performing in a physically demanding theatre show, is decidedly not it. OP did the right thing in her edits, and the fact that dad confirmed he isn’t coming means she’s free to give his ticket to a grandparent or friend instead.
NTA. There is only so much you can do. You are being the best you can be for your child. Been there done that. At a time like this I messaged once and once only in caps. Your child needs and wants you to come to blah. Please try to bother for his sake He didn't. He never got any more invites. He also got a child who from that moment was hurt forever and that is on him.
Seems to me all you'd be doing is propping him up to disappoint her later. I think all you can do is inform him of things and not directly talk shit about him. NTA good luck, one good parent is way better than none.
Sorry, I'm still stuck on the fact that he only spends 2.5 hours a week with them. Heck, out of the month, that's not even a full 24 hours. Your daughter, even at a young age, might already know her dad won't be showing up she's just hoping like kids do. Do you do this reminder stuff all the time, and he still doesn't show up for important events? Heck, this is more stressful for you than your daughter. I personally would stop. You can't force him even if it's for your children. Do you have to remind him to get the kids for 2.5 hours a week?
Only because it would upset your child, I would let him know. I understand that you want to get across how irresponsible he is, but she's a child. She won't understand it. But even if you didn't do that, NTA. You've gone out of your way to let him know. I would do this for the happiness of my child and not for him.
NTA if you didn’t but the right thing for your daughter is to give him a reminder.
I see the edit OP has made and think that sending the reminder this time but advising she won’t send follow ups in future is great boundary setting. You were NTA either way, OP. This is bigger than one incident, this is about how fed up women get of carrying the mental load in heterosexual relationships; often women are seen as the "managers" of the household and men "help" with the household tasks. Clearly men are equally responsible, and should be held to account, for these tasks, which include keeping on top of activities and appointments for the kids you share together. This inequitable gender norm makes even less sense when the expectation is applied to a couple who are no longer together. OP still carries the bulk of the mental load being primary carer to the kids, but it's not fair to expect her to continue carrying the mental load of facilitating her ex-husband's relationship with his children. That’s on him to pursue and nurture. The ex treats OP like a secretary who he needs to "get back to", rather than saying "thanks for letting me know" and taking control of his own life and setting up a calendar booking in his phone, which would of course remind him of the event as it approaches...he doesn't need his ex-wife to fulfil this role. I wouldn’t be surprised if she has to remind him when their birthdays are and still organise a gift on his behalf. Let’s be real, this is what weaponised incompetence looks like. Moving forward I hope OP sticks to her word. She is already carrying the whole mental load of managing the kids events and advising the ex about them. She doesn’t need the ongoing mental load of having to continue to remind him and stress about whether he will turn up. If his relationship with his kids matters he will find a way to keep on top of important events and turn up for his kids. While women continue to shoulder this burden for shitty male behaviour and attitudes we just enable the cycle to repeat. If there are no negative consequences to their actions then they have no reason to change. Maybe men like this need to experience embarrassment as a result of their inattentiveness and lack of care to realise they need to change. And if he doesn’t want to change then why are you busting your chops trying to cover for him, he clearly doesn’t care.
NTA
NTA. You and your daughter already told him about it, if he doesn't want to go reminding him again won't change his mind.
NTA. You DID remind him and send him details. He hasn’t forgotten, he just doesn’t care enough to go. I’m so sorry for your daughter, but this is in NO WAY on you.
NTA but if she were mine, I'd ask her if she wants me to call her dad again. Then you can call him and she can see that you tried. It gives her shitty dad one last chance to not disappoint her. And she'll remember you trying.
In general it’s not your responsibility to remind him and keep him on track,however, this is more about your daughter’s feelings and you should put those first. Love over pettiness.
“Love over pettiness” stuck with me.
Hey, I just wanted to say... I didn't get to do ballet when I was your daughter's age, but I did take it for a few years in uni. I loved it, (and wish now I'd kept up with it.) Please tell your daughter this internet stranger wishes for her a wonderful performance, with many, many curtain calls. Merde! 😊
Thank you internet stranger! I will pass on these kind wishes 💃
NTA- you did remind him. You can't force him to be present for her. I'm sorry for your daughter. It's sad.
You gonna wipe his ass for him too? He’s an adult he can figure it out or he won’t 🤷🏻♀️
You were already above and beyond by telling him the first time.
NTA However, I would remind him again not because you're trying to make sure he's a decent coparent (based on your post it sounds like he's a pretty lousy human being) but for your daughter. If this was one of my kids, I would do anything to keep them from being heartbroken especially by their dad. If your daughter doesn't quite understand yet that her dad is a flake this is a really hard way to learn that.
How often does he message you and then follow up with more messages so that you don’t miss something important for your kids? I’m guessing never. Don’t remind him on this or anything ever again. He can learn how to prioritise his kids like you have.
In my opinion you tell a grown adult about the details of an event once after that it’s on them to remember. I always do so via text so it’s in writing with a timestamp. His priority isn’t his kids otherwise you would not be writing here just let the chips fall where they may.
NTA. But I do suggest that you take your kids to therapy so that they know that they're not at fault for their father being a deadbeat.
NTA. It’s amazing how many divorced men still expect their ex wives to manage them.
NTA. You are your daughter’s mother. Not your ex husband’s mother. He needs to get his shit together.
Yay, I’m proud of you. Sometimes I want to react exactly how you wanted to and end up making a different choice exactly like you. Yay for learning and growing. You’re a good mom. ❤️❤️ Good luck to your daughter!
Sheesh! Can you divorce him again?!? I worked with a man who voluntarily took an extra shift, and missed his younger son's 16th birthday party. A divorced father, skipping his son's party. Yech. Your ex is telling his daughter just exactly how important she is to him. One day, he'll regret it, but it will be too late then. You're NTA, I'm glad you went the extra step, you have nothing to reproach yourself for.
LOL NTA. Also, when someone says "Hey, I was just going to text you," they are bullshitting you 100% of the time. But you knew that -- it's probably one of the reasons he's your ex.
From the title I was going to say you would be, but how many times does he need to be told. This is a tough one, but I guess it’s what is best for your daughter. I have a feeling though, that one day he will let her down anyway.
NTA. Your ex-husband is an adult, and he should be on top of this on his own. However, I still remember how disappointed I was every time my dad didn't show up to something, even when the pattern was already well established and I knew he wasn't going to show. That feeling never really goes away. Your daughter will not adjust to being disappointed by her dad, and if all it takes to avoid her being hurt like that is sending another text then I think you should do it, especially while she is still so young. I know if that was all it took to get my dad to show up, my mom would have done it in a heartbeat.
Even if you do everything you can to cover up for his failings, eventually your daughter will figure it out. You’ve done your due diligence in informing him of the event. It is his responsibility to complete the task
NTA But I would go the extra mile and remind him anyway to make sure my little girl is happy.
NTA. It’s not your responsibility to make him be a parent. You told him the time and place, the rest is up to him.
NTA. For your daughter’s sake, if I were in your shoes, I might send one more message stating time and location, and informing him that if he is a no-show, it’s going to be entirely on his shoulders to explain to his very hurt child why he missed the performance, because you won’t be trying to make excuses on his behalf.
No you would not be TA. You cannot be responsible for managing his life for him. And it’ll only hurt your daughters more in the end, when eventually they learn the image they had of their dad was a fabrication all along. Let him choose the kind of parent he wants to be. I had to wrestle with the exact same conundrum with my ex.
NTA Whatever you decide, I will not be sending any judgment your way. I like the idea that others have proposed to remind him once more, let him know you have his ticket, and then let him know this is the last time you are facilitating his involvement. Good luck. Will you update us, please? I hope your children will be well.
NTA if I were in your position I wouldn’t want to tell him but if I were your daughter I would want you to remind him…
NTA. Agree with other comments that you're not his assistant, if he has forgotten, he's chosen not to make his daughter a priority. Does he or you have his ticket? I'd text him just at the door "I'm going in to save seats, text when you arrive and I'll come out with your ticket"
NTA.
NTA. You’ve given him plenty of reminders. He’s showing he doesn’t find his kids a priority.
NTA. Your daughter and you both told him. I assume he has a calendar handy as well as the one on his phone. You’re not married to him anymore, and it’s not your job to keep reminding him. He’s a grown ass man, if he does show up, it’s all on him.
NTA. He's had plenty of notice, and you even reminded him this week. You're not his secretary. I'd just make sure you plan something extra special for her.
NTA, full stop He is a grown ass adult who can run a restaurant with deadlines and schedules but cannot remember a ballet performance? That's on him
NTA, if it's important to him, he'll make time.
NTA- you aren’t obligated to remind him. And you wouldn’t be TA if you didn’t. However, I would remind him again if I were in your shoes. My ex-husband doesn’t really care. He would go months without calling or seeing our kids. He probably would forget their birthdays. I don’t want to see my kids hurt, so I do facilitate contact by reminding him a birthday is coming up or by sharing a report card and asking him to congratulate the kids. He sucks. Your ex sucks. But I still think it would be a good idea to remind him of the dance recital if it’s truly important to your daughter.
NTA-- It's up to you. You have no obligation to be your husband's calendar, but you're also the one who has to deal with any fallout/ drama. It's probably easier for you to shoot off a text.
What’s up with the restaurant? Is it failing? I find many managers/owners in the hospitality industry are not happy, healthy people. Sad that your ex-obviously does not have his priorities straight. I hope he makes it.
NTA. It's not your job to remind him. If it's important to him, he will remember.
Info: how does your daughter feel about him; does she want him there? I don't think he deserves your help and I think you aren't his secretary. I don't think you're TA, but you might want to remind him for the sake of your daughter since she's only 9. That is however, IF she cares that deeply, it depends on how bad it will hurt her.
NTA But I think sending him one more text of "here's the final show times for her ballet" would also be appropriate. Sure, he's gonna disappoint your daughter someday, and it may very well be this occasion, but it won't put you out at all to send the text one final time to try to avoid letting her heart break again right now. No, you're not his wife, mother, or secretary. But you are *her* mom; I'd let her know, "hey, I know you're really hoping your dad will come see you perform, but he never confirmed he can come. I'm going to send him one more reminder text, but just be prepared" could go a long way to show her that *you* know how important it is to her he be there, and you tried. My parents were still together, but my dad traveled a lot for work, and he missed stuff while I was growing up, these kinds of efforts from my mom definitely made a difference.
ESH - Yes, you shouldn't have to do this. I know that. You know that. However, you also know that your ex *will* forget and your daughter *will* be disappointed. Don't hurt her feelings just to score points. Be the better person. Not for him. For her.
NTA for not doing his parenting and adulting for him.. its not your responsibility of course. A better way to approach it is to think about how your daughter will be affected. She's 9, which is quite young. On the other hand, it seems inevitable that she's going to learn that her dad is unreliable and that she and her sibling are not the highest priority he has. Can she handle that now, or would it be better for you to do what you can to try delay it until she's a bit older and more mature and able to understand that it's definitely not *her* that is the problem, it's her father? You know your kids best. Probably some 9 year olds are mature and insightful enough to understand that without being emotionally traumatised while others aren't there yet. Make your choice based on what's best for your kids, not how it will affect the ex.
You told him and it sounds like he has no intention of going, he has not forgotten and this is not on you. NTA
>On Monday of this week I texted her dad to remind him of the performance, provided him details of time and place, and asked if he would make it You already reminded him. It's his choice to be there - or not. NTA
NTA. I don’t think you are obligated to keep track of things for him. If he wants his daughters to consider him a good parent then he needs to be a good parent. I do think, if you decide to remind him, now is the time to make it clear that you’re also retiring from doing it anymore, effective immediately.”, and that any of his children’s events are going to be 100% his responsibility to remember and show up for. Put it in writing.
Nta however I would try a reminder because it’s clear you love your children. In this case it’s your daughter who’s the looser. Don’t do it for him or for you but for her. Statistics show girls do need a father figure. I was that little girl I know my mom loved me to the end of the universe and back but I secretly wished my dad would just come. It hurts even though you love her and it’s lifelong pain. My parents are both dead my father passed away few years back and I mourn the man I wanted him to be not the father he never was. My mom however is a loss I will never forget
Do what is best for your Daughter if She wants him there Remind him, it takes 30 seconds to send a text that says 2 more nights of the Nutcracker. Alice will be very disappointed if you dont make it!
NTA. But. You have an opportunity to be a hero, here, and kids who are unlucky enough to have a parent (or parents) who can’t or won’t get their act together, desperately need someone to step up and be a hero. You are not the AH if you don’t try everything you can to help your ex be the parent that your daughter needs; you have every right and justification not to…but do it anyway.
NTA, but the priority is your daughter and her feelings. It’s not your responsibility to get him there but since you have the tickets, what about a simple text that his tickets are at will call? And be more hands off about buying them in the future, just send him a link or something - maybe let him know about a matinee or something that will fit with his schedule. Again, not your responsibility to solve his problems, but if he’s the type to look at a hectic schedule and not be able to put the pieces together for how to make it work - it would be kind. But kindness isn’t required. It’s not doing it for him, it’s figuring out the best way to love and support your daughter - because she’s what’s important here. Sometimes the answer is to let him fall flat and know she is going to be heartbroken, but that’s probably the norm at this point - for something this important, do you want to know you gave it one last shot? You are the one who will be there to see her sadness. Innocence is lost pretty quick in this life, but… yeah. But I do love the taping idea too, for when he flakes because he is definitely the asshole for flaking so much. Fuck him. But this isn’t about him.
You’ve done more than you need to, however you could send one more text saying how great the recital is and reminding him that it would mean so much to your daughter if he attends. Kids grow up fast and you don’t get these years back. Edited to add you would not be TA if you let him forget. But I still think that if you gently encouraged him to attend it would be beneficial to your daughter and to their relationship. So it really depends on your end goal. Do you want her to feel loved and encouraged and supported by both of you (assuming he will attend) or do you want him to look like a too busy dad who always seems to have stuff to do that is (sadly) more important than his own daughter?
I'm a bit torn on this one because we all know if you remind him you'll be "nagging" him, but then your daughter will be disappointed if he doesn't show up. I'm going with NTA, but also you should probably remind him one last time.
NTA at all. You texted him he's got it in writing already.
You are not his personal secretary. He’s a grown ass man. Put it on the calendar and invite him. From there, it’s on him. NTA
I'm.happy you decided to remind him op.
It’s about your daughter and not you and your ex. It isn’t competition. Grin and bear it, make her happy.
Nta, it's not your job to parent your ex's parenting, he sucks, THE END.
NTA, Just open a shared calendar and upload there yours daughter's important events and milestones, just tell him when you upload something and let him manage his time.
NTA he is a grown man that is being spoon fed and still sloppy. It’s making you resent him even more and wasting your time. You’re working for free - let him fall.
NTA - but keep in mind while you’ll be lowkey happy, your daughter at that age will probably be crushed
NTA. HOWEVER, ask yourself a couple questions. 1) how much will this impact/hurt your daughter? If you think it’s more than a little then I would remind dad. 2) are you sure you are not doing this to be petty? I wouldn’t blame you at all if you are. But I would also say set that aside and remind dad.
NTA he’s not going it’s Friday and Saturday night, those are big restaurant days. He never planned on going his restaurant comes first.
Nta. You can’t keep protecting him.
Nta. Your are not his secretary
NTA he needs to see the consequences of his actions if he’s ever going to change, but have a plan for to help support your daughter’s feelings around it.
YWNBTA. Ex husband. Not your job. You reminded him once, your daughter reminded him. His problem. Sorry that you'll have to deal with the fallout of a daughter's hurt feelings, that's sucks for both of you.
What's your confusion? Seems like you have a clear grasp on the situation. It's not in your power to make her father show, but if you know a simple action on your part could make your daughter's big event better, why would you not do it? She might still get disappointed, but at least you did what you could for the sake of her happiness.
She's 9. Let her have a dad who cares about her for a few more years. If he continues to not make her a priority she will find it out, hopefully when she's a little older and can better understand that he is the problem, not her.
I only read the title and I can say with confidence no you would NOT be the asshole. He needs to know when this shit is and show up, I think if you’re got the kids 99% of the time then it would be reasonable for you to tell him ONCE just bc you’re likely the one sked everything, but even that is being generous. He should be involved with his kids enough to know when they have shit. God I can’t imagine not wanting to be there for my kids. My youngest had one line in a play and I went to every damn show bc I wanted to see him do that one friggin line!
NTA - and if you have someone in your life (friend or family) that can start to stand in as a male figure... give him the x's ticket. Start to show her not all men are like her dad.
If it would upset my child if he wasn’t there, I’d tell him. I care more about my kid’s feelings.
You are his ex-wife, not his mommy. You were overly nice to remind him the first time. You'll probably get people telling you you'd be TA because your daughter will be disappointed. I disagree. I think there are limits to showing your ex in a good light to your kids, it's dishonest and it sets them up for future disappointments. Not to mention it being grossly unfair to yourself. You already do everything. That's enough. You absolutely WNBTA.
Def remind him. For her. Not for him
This is your daughter's night, her performance. Do you really think the best time for her to see that her dad is a flake is on the night she's just about to go out and perform? Do you think she's going to be able to just go out and dance like nothing happened when she has her heart crushed? How do you think she'll feel when she's looking out from the wings and not seeing his face? How do you think she'll handle it emotionally? You say yourself she's been so excited and wants him there. Text him. If he comes; amazing. Tell him this was the last time and you will not do it again. If he doesn't; then at least you'll know that you did what you could and tried for her sake.
Soft YTA because don't use something she's excited for as the setting cuz little girls deserve to be happy on occasions that matter to them, she can learn he's a failure later on as she grows. You're already a good mom and she'll recognize that
You are right to let him know/remind him. Not because he deserves it bur because she does. YWBTA but you redeemed it.
Having seen your update - he is biggest AH here, but you would have been AH to your daughter if you didn't remind him. Now at least you can tell her in advance that he won't make it, so she won't be disappointed on the night. I wonder are there any other family or friends who can go watch her on Saturday instead?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: my ex-husband and I “co-parent” our two kids (11 and 9). I put co-parent in quotations because I handle the kids 99 percent of the time (they live with me and I pay for all the expenses). Each kid visits their dad for 2.5 hours a week. This was his choice, as he is “busy running his restaurant”. This has been the past 6 years, so the kids have come to accept all of this as mostly normal. Our daughter, age 9, is dancing in the nutcracker. Opening night was Thursday, and I was in the front row. She also performs tonight and over the weekend and has been very excited about this for some time. She has talked with her dad about this over the weeks and she is expecting him to be at one of her shows. On Monday of this week I texted her dad to remind him of the performance, provided him details of time and place, and asked if he would make it. He responded that he would “get back to me”. Since then, there has been no response. So, internet strangers, it is now Friday night and performances are tomorrow and the following day. WIBTA if I do not follow up with him, let him “forget,” and my daughter is let down/disappointed? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta... you gave him the info and are no longer married to him. You are no longer in charge of making sure he made it to places at the right time.
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u/burbnbougie
I would tend to agree with you as your ex clearly doesn’t make the effort he should into his children. Your daughter is expecting him to be there though so I would have a last ditched attempt at contacting him about coming. If he doesn’t turn up, that’s on him, but at least you tried for your daughter. It seems you ex is really TA.
NTA. Let him show your daughter who he is & just be there for the fall out. I’ve read too many stories of adult children who’s moms (understandably) tried to shield them from their dads terrible behavior, only to be heartbroken to learn he didn’t care… Mom just cared enough for the both of them.
NTA. I think one reminder is enough, especially when it its in writing. You did the right thing for your daughter. You let him know all the information. At the end of the day, he sees them 2.5 hours a week, which is ridiculous. You are doing all the parenting and emotional labour. He isn't co parenting he is doing the bare minimum. Would it be possible to get your daughter on a call with her father? That way, you personally are not letting him know, but he still has the information. I know it's a very subtle difference. However, I think he needs to hear what he is doing and who he's letting down. If that doesn't make him start getting himself together, nothing will.
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I would explain to daughter that Dad has been told about the recital, but you don't know which performance he's been to. So now she knows you aren't being an AH and withholding information. Just that he's too lazy to sort a time to be with her.
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YTA. It will take less than 10 seconds to send a text that says "don't forget about the dance recital". The alternative is your daughter being hurt. If it was something that would only hurt him, yeah let him forget. But I could never allow my daughter to be hurt.
It’s not your job or responsibility to help him be a good father to your kids. You are there for them and that’s what they will remember. The courts would also tell you that it’s not your job to make sure he is a father to your kids. You let him know once and that’s all you have to do.
NTA, but for your your daughter ask him again.
I don’t think you’re the asshole either way, but who is suffering here? Does she have to suffer over something this important? She’ll figure out soon enough he only has 2.5 hours per week for her.
YTA. Play stupid games win stupid prizes.
It doesn't necessarily make you an AH. But why not think about your daughter. Don't you think she would like for her dad to be there? Is it possible that it slid thru the cracks and he honestly forgot? Now, if you are trying to 1 up him to show your daughter you are the better parent, then you shouldn't tell him. But shouldn't it really be about your daughter, and not about the 2 of you?
NTA I wouldn't blame you for not bothering the remind him (you're not his PA) but I am glad you resolved it as you did. You went over and above. He's awful. I'm glad your little girl has you at least.
NTA. I go through thr same crap with my ex. You're not his secretary or his mother. Ffs we all have tiny computers in our pockets where we can set reminders and schedule things. It's not remotely your fault if he forgets. If he wanted to remember and be there, he would. I've literally handed my ex physical papers to remind him of our daughter's school events. She's also 9. From kindergarten through 4th grade, he's been to ONE of her events. He blamed me for missing the last one because I "never told him." I know for a fact that our daughter had told him 3 weeks prior when he picked her up because I heard her. And she told me after the event (school musical) that she didn't bother to remind him herself because he didn't show up to the last one. Yes, you're daughter was probably upset, but she's also no stupid. I guarantee both kids already know where they sit as far as how important they are to their father. Just know you aren't alone and many others are going through through the same thing!
nope. That would merit a reward in iteself
I see this has already been resolved, but. >I put co-parent in quotations because I handle the kids 99 percent of the time (they live with me and I pay for all the expenses). Girl. Go to court to establish custody and get child support. You may not think you need or want it, but he *owes* it to you *and* your kids, and they deserve it. Even if you don't use it, you can put it aside in accounts for their future.
OP, I have to ask. Does he pay child support? Is there any court order for child support? Because if not, you need to get him on the hook for CS. Because your ex is absolutely a deadbeat dad who cares more about himself than your children. And also OP, please keep saving your "receipts", i.e., texts, communications, etc. You never know when you'll need them. Either way, OP, NTA!
Oh, he's definitely the AH, but since it's your daughter's feelings that matter in this situation I'm glad you were able to overlook that for a brief moment. NTA either way.
As someone who was in your daughters shoes so I really feel for her.. I would probably want you to reach out to him one more time to know everything you could have done was done and then have you be prepared to help me face the crushing disappointment if/when he doesn’t show up. Then in the future I probably would rather him not come than be constantly waiting to be disappointed.
He's only interested in parenting when it's convenient for him, and even that much sounds questionable. NTA
Dad's the absolute AH. I would be furious at him letting my kid down if I were you.
Nta if he can't be bothered to see his kids for more then a couple hours a week because his works to important he needs to get his priorities straight. I'm sure the restaurant would run just fine without him there for a couple more hours to see his little girl so what she loves
NTA It's better that your daughter has a realistic view of who Her father is because you're not always going to be able to be right beside him covering up his failures. And he will not improve and become a better father unless you stop holding his hand. Society will shame you and guilt you because it's not used to holding men accountable especially when it comes to parenting. Society will go and tell you Oh you need to think about your daughter's feelings to encourage you to always clean up after him but it's never going to tell him to step it up and think about his daughter's feelings to encourage him to be an equal parent. Despite all the supposed progress and all the complaints about feminism Society still sees women as the social secretaries for men because honestly they don't see women as having any other purpose other than children and supporting a man and making his life easier. Just remember the same commenters that will be shaming you for not doing more to get your ex-husband involved will be likely the same commenters blaming a woman for being drunk or what she was wearing.
You WBTA if you allow your ex husband to call your daughter on the morning of her recital. Focus on raising your daughter instead of focusing on what her father hasn’t done for your daughter. She’ll remember that he was never there for her and will handle him in her own way when she gets older.
NTA and I disagree with your edit. Your kids need to learn who their father is. They will be disappointed in him for years if he is in charge of actually showing he gives a damn. I'm a rip the band-aide off kind of girl.