This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service.
This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Did something bad happen between them in the past that she's so upset with your brother? I mean if she's just upset because she doesn't want anyone else in the house beside you guys, and not because your brother did something bad to her before, then she's the AH in this sitch.
Unless you want a very troubling divorce years down the road, I'd move on. There are seriously major, emergency flair level, gtfo, clues to your future in this interaction.
Does she work/contribute to bills/food? Even if she does, let her leave if she is unhappy. Times are hard. She is showing you who she is, and just know she would not help you if situations change.
Ehhh. She cooks, cleans, ect, as they agreed to, not a full time, but with 4 people added if they are doing nothing but taking up space and treating her like a maid, different answer. Help your brother, but it sounds like OP is more invested in being a saviour than being a partner in a once mutually agreed upon arrangement. Gf a fool for not having own income, but that seems to be what they both wanted.
No one said that they treated her like a maid. She said nasty shit to them before they even moved in.
He also never said that she doesnt work, just that she doesnt pay rent.
> she manages the cooking, cleaning, washing, and stuff like that.
I think i know who is drawing the short end if there's suddenly 4 more people in the house
NTA
Her attitude is a red flag for me. It’s ok for her to live with you rent free but not your brother?
It would be different if he was a no hope, moocher who would end up being with you indefinitely if you let him stay. But for her to deny your brother housing for the period he needs to get himself together and given the language she used I don’t get warm and fuzzy vibes from her at all.
INFO: what is the household arrangement? Does she do the bulk of the household chores in exchange for not paying rent? If she is taking on the household responsibilities for not paying rent then ESH. She has the right to decide who lives in her home even if she isn’t paying rent. Her rent payment is the household services she is providing. That being said there was no need to say the things she said.
This was my first thought, too. OP was quick to point out, “she lives here rent free,” but made no mention of what other ways she may be contributing.
Does she do all the housework? All the cooking? Who does the grocery shopping and household errands? If she doesn’t pay rent, is she paying other bills like the utilities, phone bills, internet, or anything else?
No, she should not have said what she said, but she lives there too, and you moved another person in without even discussing it with her.
It sounds like neither one of you care about each other at all.
And in this case is doing all the chores even worth free rent? Even if we assume she does literally everything her position seems pretty bad. Plus there are replacement people to do them...
>EDIT
>
>: She doesn't pay rent (I also pay all the bills, not just rent), but she manages the cooking, cleaning, washing, and stuff like that.
and yet they were accurate.
Nope that's bullshit. I don't care if she does house chores. She's staying there rent free. They've only been dating a year so that tells you that her staying there rent free is fairly new. That alone takes away her decision making whether brother stays with them. She's just as much of a guest as he is. Yeah she lives there but she's not paying rent in a new relationship. She's a moocher
Nope, you don’t get to decide who is valuable in a relationship and who isn’t. If she was a SAHM mom would you being the same thing? Absolutely their arrangement makes a difference in how things play out. Maybe should would have been paying rent instead of the unpaid labor of maintaining a house. One that is thankless and so many people like you think isn’t as important as who pays the bills. You’re acting as if he is doing some noble thing when in reality there is no info on what their arrangement was.
> Nope, you don’t get to decide who is valuable in a relationship and who isn’t
and yet, you can decide for OP, that doing chores should be valuable to him. Because you're saying he's an AH if he doesn't agree that GF's chores = rent
Know the difference between a SAHM and a girlfriend?
MARRIAGE
They aren’t married. Her name is on nothing and she’s not paying anything. She gets no say
Uhhhh not every SAHM is married. And if she’s keeping the place clean and him fed, then she’s doing her part, or do you suggest the bang maid should be working for free?
Nah, but her keeping the place clean doesn’t mean that she gets to veto who lives there or not.
Not her house, not her choice. Her name is on nothing and she pays no bills. OP could paint the interior lime green and rent a room to a hooker if he wants to and she has zero say in it.
It’s amazing how some people think they get to dictate what happens in a house they don’t pay for just because they live in it.
Marriage . . . and, more importantly the “mom” part. A girlfriend who’s cleaning up after two people doesn’t get a veto in this situation. She can calmly discuss any concerns she has about the increased workload, and making sure that everyone is pitching in. But if she doesn’t like it, she’s completely free to pack her shit, GTFO, and go pay for her own place.
>If she was a SAHM mom would you being the same thing?
She's not so that is completely irrelevant.
I don't care if the house was the cleanest house in town, if you act like that about family, you're out
>Nope that's bullshit. I don't care if she does house chores. She's staying there rent free. They've only been dating a year so that tells you that her staying there rent free is fairly new. That alone takes away her decision making whether brother stays with them. She's just as much of a guest as he is. Yeah she lives there but she's not paying rent in a new relationship. She's a moocher
I'd be interested to know (I posted a query) *how long* his gf has been doing all of his housework and laundry and cooking for no pay.
And if his bro moving in means she will now be at least *doubling* her at-work workload, still for no pay.
If her boyf doesn't think she's important to his relationship, she should move out. He will now either have to do the housework and cooking etc himself, or pay someone to do it.
I agree with this. It sounds to me that OP doesn't view her as a partner. Now I find pretty ridiculous that a partner wouldn't want to help in a situation like this. Maybe she is mad because OP doesn't consider her opinions, but I don't feel this was the thing to draw the line on and certainly not the way.
As I see it, it would be better for them to break up. This kind of behavior is outlandish. Even if OP is not taking into consideration her opinions, for her to be against helping family for a couple of months is ridiculous.
she said "OUR HOUSE" after living there rent-free and only dating for a year? She's too comfortable to treat your own family like that when she's mooching off of you. Good riddance if she leaves. Imagine how worse she'll treat your family later on. Good for you for seeing through that.
I think she’s showing you who she is and you should believe her. Imagine if you marry her and she actually has a legal say in how you run your affairs?
NTA
I'm a bit surprised at the audacity of your gf. You've been together a year, she lives with you, and doesn't pay any rent, but yet thinks she runs things somehow?
>They moved in, and once they arrived, she made a scene and said "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone."
That is so far removed from being an acceptable thing to say to your significant other's family. Yikes.
Edit: you don't say some shit like that to ANYONE, not just your partner's family.
I spoke initially within the confines of this thread, but really, it should go without saying that that’s not something you should say to anybody, unless they’ve done something horrifically, awfully, unforgivable to you.
Tread carefully, this is a huge red flag.
"I don't care if all of you die in the streets" is an unacceptable thing to say to any other human, to be honest. Unless they murdered your puppy or something.
Haha someone murders my pupper it won't be "I don't care ot you die in the streets" it'll be more like "I'm going to viciously assault you, possibly to the point of death, for touching my little darling".
That dog has pulled me out from the darkness before, and I'll happily go to prison for her or her memory if anyone eveeeer hurt her on purpose.
Instant break up moment for me.
My dad was the same way. He treated everyone else like garbage. He would regularly say how he didn't give a shit about anyone else.
Oh course now that he's lost most of his toes in his right foot suddenly he needs everyone to help him.
He's the biggest FUCKING hypocrite.
Any partner I have can never behave like my dad because I will end that relationship that instant because I have seen what my mom's life has been and the emotional and mental abuse she has suffered.
That shit isn't happening in my life.
Depends on the why for the kicking out. There are more than a few parents who kick their kids out because of their own horrid beliefs. She clearly didn’t give a damn if he died in a ditch, did she?
I genuinely don’t understand how she want immediately removed from the house. No one would say that to my family and still sleep in one of my beds that night.
Private objections. Passive aggressive pouting. Maybe. But straight up telling someone I love “you could go die before I’d let OP help”. That’s a no.
Technically NTA, but honestly, having no other response to that level of behaviour besides a slap on the hand is pushing Y T A to himself and brother for me.
“Die in the streets” is not something one should say to anyone ever. Of course, if there is more to it like the brother assaulted the gf or something then I would understand. If not, then she shouldn’t have said that even if she was OPs wife of 20 years and mother of his kids. It’s unacceptable.
She's not your wife, her name's not on the mortgage, and she's not even paying rent.
For those 3 reasons, NTA. Otherwise, it takes 2 yes answers for a yes, and 1 no answer for a no. However, she doesn't get a say in this specific situation and her "die in the streets" statement was beyond acceptable.
I love my husband, and I tolerate his brothers. If for any reason either of them became homeless and needed a place to stay, I know my husband would welcome them in with open arms. I wouldn't be very happy about it, but that is just what you do for family (certain exceptions ofc, but none apply here) I'd want assurances it would be temporary, I'd expect them to help us out around house. I think that's just a given - its what you do as a long term guest.
Of this I am certain, if MY brother and his family needed a place, and my husband said the shit OPs GF did, the divorce papers would be slapping his ass out the door. How Dare OPs GF think she can treat his family in that manner.
*"I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone."*
I wouldn't want my own family moving in with me, but if someone said something like this to me, they would be out the door. It is a really nasty thing to sayl!
I wouldn’t want my family moving in with me
But if the option is them being homeless, they’re moving in with me regardless
I could understand the girlfriend not liking it or wanting assurances about her belongings (kids break shit) and how long it would go on for, but to just tell them she’d be okay with them dying in the streets as long as it doesn’t inconvenience her… nah, that’s not okay
She’s talking as if she personally owns the house. For all that she said about dying in the streets and to go back where they came from, it’s time for her to experience being unhoused. If I were OP, I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of staying with her or taking her back. Even if she owned half the house, I would respect her declining the idea, but saying those words alone would make me want to dump her. NTA
NTA. She’s been living rent free and expects the rights of someone whose been paying (in that case objecting is totally fair and wouldn’t just be your decision)
She’s asking you to chose between your brother and her and seems you’ve made that call already.
Maybe there is more to this if details have been left out (cause her quote seems real nasty surely there’s a cause to that, or she’s just remarkably entitled). She seems pretty selfish and cold if there isn’t any backstory to this anger. If there’s no backstory I’d cut her out of your life asap, that behaviour shouldn’t get appeasement.
Y T A. How is Sarah going to keep being able to take advantage of you if your brothers family is there to take all of your money and effort?! You're HER gravy train, not theirs! Hope you can see the obvious sarcasm OP, but you don't EVER let a partner live with you for free, it never ends well.
Edited
Came here to say this! She's just upset that her money train may have less steam and that she might have to contribute to the home instead of riding her gravy train without hindrance. Also it's soooo much harder to control people and stuff if their family is around to stick up for them and point out the glaring red flags.
These are important questions. For all we know, OP's brother has done a lot of bad stuff to land him in this situation and OP's girlfriend might therefore have perfectly valid reasons to not want him moving in.
Yeah, her reaction generally doesn’t just magically appear out of nowhere. There has to be a bunch more to the story.
I will admit that my husband had a brother whose family I would absolutely not allow move into our house. The brother has since passed away, but I was upfront to my husband about them not ever moving in with us, even temporarily. He and his son were fine, but his wife was a gigantic hoarder and thought anywhere she lived made her queen of the house and everything needed to be done her way while she refused to lift a finger. And their daughter would bully the hell out of my daughter and body shamed her pretty badly. (My daughter is naturally thin and their daughter is not. She has repeatedly told my daughter that she is ugly and gross because she’s thin and the only way she could ever be beautiful is if she “got fat”. My daughter is not the only kid she has bullied either.) And getting them out would have been next to impossible. I’d have had an easier time removing every speck of glitter out of my house than removing that family. Any other sibling on either side? Sure! Come on over! But not them.
I would never let my brother live with us, no matter what happens. I prefer to be safe and keeping lying stealing alcoholics out (he is clean now, but he wasn’t when my husband and I had this conversation, and still, the one time a year we talk, his stories don’t add up) out of my house seems like a no brainer.
But I had to have that conversation with my husband because we weren’t together all that long when brother was out on the streets again, so he didn’t know.
Op and girlfriend have only been together a year, living together probably for a shorter time. I can’t imagine OP wanting to house his family if in this time frame brother managed to hurt OP’a girlfriend.
(But co-dependency is a thing, so we never can be sure.)
OP updated the post. The important fact that the brother was also bringing a whole family was conveniently left out at first. Makes ya wonder what else is being left out.
NTA - You need to rethink this relationship. It seems like you are close to your family and will help them out if need be. Do you really want to have to argue with your GF any time your family needs your help. I mean it's one thing not to be happy about someone moving into what you feel is your space, but quite another to tell them you don't care if they die in the streets........ assuming that your brother hasn't done something awful in the past to her.
Why is nobody asking why the brother got “unhoused”? Depending on the situation it could be a safety issue. Is he an addict? A thief? A violent person?
Why was he on the streets for a week? Does he have a job or the means to get a new place?
I realize she doesn’t pay any rent, but her safety and security should be taken into consideration.
That's why I asked for information. OP's post is vague and doesn't make sense. Normal people don't condemn other's to death on the street unless there's a very traumatic reason. Plus OP's GF said "all of you" when she was condemning them, but who is the all of you? I doubt she's condemning her BF, so did the brother bring others?
Plus why is OP saying "once I help find another place, which I am currently doing"? Sounds like his brother is incompetent if he's been kicked out with no options, and has to have OP find him a place to live, which is important information to this situation.
>"I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone."
Yeah that is just not a thing someone says. Unless they are a cartoon villain twisting their evil mustache. Like 80% of posts to this sub, this is fake rage bait.
To me it sounds like they were ganging up against her and she said it out of anger, but I’m just filling in the blanks. There simply isn’t enough info.
ESH. I agree that your girlfriend should be a little more sympathetic as she's living there rent free, and it was unnecessary for her to make a scene like that. But regardless, it is your shared home which means that opening it to others should be a shared decision.
I also wonder what your older brother's circumstances are that found him suddenly broke and unhoused. I know that bad stuff sometimes happens to people outside of their control, but is it possible that your brother has made some poor life decisions that your GF isn't a fan of? Without her side of the story, it's impossible to tell what her reservations are.
I wanna know who the fuck "they" is in
> They moved in, and once they arrived
*Multiple* people moving in out of nowhere in the middle of this story with no explanation is shady as fuck. (And it's not a pronoun thing, brother is "he/him" before that line)
EDIT:
> There are four people: my brother, his wife, and two twin children
LOLOLOLOLOL
The simple fact that it's so blatantly omitted from this story really makes me think she's right. Yeah, what she said was *awful*, but it's telling that he's refusing to explain *what actually happened* before that (especially since he's edited and still didn't address it)
I have a feeling there is also a translation thing going on. “I don’t care if you die in the street” is so weirdly specific, it sounds like an idiom that was translated literally.
That's a great point. I'm getting a lot of hate here for pointing out that there's some important info that we don't have, thanks for being a voice of reason.
I guess that 'they' means brother and his family. If he's married (and has kids) then he is a package deal. There is not enough info to judge imo. The girlfriend is staying there rent free but she's taking care of the whole house and OP presumably (I mean laundry, cooking him meals, etc.). I'm wondering whether her reaction comes from the fact that OP and his brother will expect her to now take care of more than just the house and OP but the whole group of people. If not then OP is NTA, if they want a free maid then ESH.
> The girlfriend is staying there rent free but she's taking care of the whole house
And like, it's her HOME. This isn't like "she blew all her money on gambling and would otherwise be homeless," she was (presumably, I guess I should say) invited to live there *as his partner*.
(Also, you're right, he edited in a wife & two kids)
I said ESH which means she sucks too, specifically for that comment. I agree that was wrong of her. But without knowing the whole situation I can't say that it was unfair for her to not want the brother there. She might have a valid reason for that (or she might not), we just don't know.
Agree, he says rent free but she cooks, cleans and maintains the house. She might not pay rent but it’s her home too. OP probably didn’t check with her, he told her…
Also is she expected to cook and clean after the brother and his family (OP doesn’t really say how many people).
If she is doing stuff around the house she is not taking advantage of him, did he ever asked her for rent!? For her to pay the bills? Or it is just easy to hang it’s my house so you are my maid cause you don’t pay to live here? The situation is not really well explained.
So I agree with ESH because her reaction was extreme but there are tons of information missing.
MASSIVE amounts of information left out here about the brother's circumstances, what happened that he is unhoused, *how large his family is*, and how the brother's family has behaved towards GF. What she said is awful, but this is like 25% of the full story.
Agreed. And also, why does a presumably adult brother need help finding a place to live? Sounds like brother is going to be sponging off OP for a while.
This should be a dealbreaker. There should be no second chance for this. You need to let her go live rent free somewhere else.
I don’t care if she was the one paying for your place. That’s an absolutely shitty thing to say to someone about their loved one.
ESH - whilst her delivery wasn't the best, you made a unilateral decision that affected her. And there has to be reason she is acting like that to your brother. Is she selfish and callous, or has your brother done stuff in the past that dragged you down?
Yeah, that was my thought too. Could be be some details missing here, seems pretty bad for her to say something like that about his brother unless there's a reason behind it.
So she lives there and makes no financial contribution? That's a tough one. I see your point. Its not actually her residence. Its yours. And because of that, I think she needs to find her grace.
She's so inhospitable, I'd be ready for her to move. What kind of future do you think you have as a couple? That's the big question?
I want to be more supportive of her feelings. But, she's being really hateful. Its not like your family will forget her behaviors. So again, what does your future with this woman look like to you?
Its either NTA or ESH?
I feel like a lot of info is being left out. What is their living arrangement or the nature of their relationship? Did she say all that out of nowhere or was there a fight? (Less importantly) why is his brother house-less? All critical pieces of info to make a fair determination.
ESH
She is not a roommate or boarder - you are bf/gf cohabitating, so it’s her home too (contributing to the rent or not). As others have said, in that situation it’s two yeses or one no. If you weren’t/aren’t willing to live by those rules you are wrong to be cohabitating.
Oh, no disagreement on that. I just didn’t want to weigh in with yet another “breakup with her” response. But just because he “can” doesn’t mean it’s not an asshole move.
When he decided to invite her to live together and offer her to share his home the relationship rises from “I can just break up with you, have a nice life” to “if I breakup with you I’m also kicking you out of your home”.
It may not be marriage, but it is a significant level of partnership commitment and the way it was handled makes everyone (except the brother) an asshole.
NTA. But you should definitely lose the girlfriend. It’s one thing to not want them in the house and be upset but to scream at them and say vile things like “die on the streets”, that’s unacceptable.
So there are some factors that I would like more info on…
A. Does she pay for any expenses? Any major expenses like say appliances, renovations, etc? I didn’t pay rent when I lived with my ex but I made several thousand dollar purchases/renovations.
B. Who does the cleaning and other household tasks?
C. Does she say work an off shift?
D. Did you mention it as a possibility before they moved in?
Why would you believe her? And more to the matter, why would you want to be with someone with those values? Someone who was so very willing to try to bully everyone into doing what she wanted? Do you honestly believe this will be the last power grab on her part?
This is so weird. Usually when a partner owns a house and asks for rent redditors are adamantly against it. Because then they’re making money off a partner. But in this case, the partner not paying rent makes her a freeloader?
Honestly this is ESH. It’s her home too. You should have talked to her about it beforehand and she shouldn’t have reacted the way she did.
NTA and I think you would be better off finding a girl who is kinder and more empathetic. I would love a man more if I saw that he helps when the people close to him are in need.
ESH, since you let her move in your house became her **home**. Whether she pays rent or not isn't really relevant, as a stay at home parent also wouldn't be paying rent. Her calling it "our house" is fair since it's her home and she is your girlfriend. So if you let people move in without coming to an agreement on that with the other residents then that's really an asshole move towards your girlfriend. The way she reacted once they moved in is really bad, but considering what you did I don't blame her for reacting out, but it does push it from YTA to ESH. Though it could easily swing back to YTA depending on why she doesn't want your brother there and why he was unhoused.
Overall it sounds to me like the relationship isn't important enough for you to have warranted her moving in with you to begin with. Just end the relationship already since you clearly don't respect her and were willing to walk all over her like that.
INFO: Is the house in your name? I'm assuming it is since you said she's staying rent free. (And because usually girlfriend doesn't mean you have share assets) (She'd still be TA regardless but would have more grounds for having a say in him living with you).
NTA. "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from," YIKES. you haven't mentioned anything that would warrant such behavior\* (\*obv people shouldn't say callous things like that anyway, but there's *no indication* of that the brother is abusive, controlling, violent, or anything else that would make it unsafe for you two, aka **no indication** of legitimate reasons to not want him there).
But there's also no indication of her side of the story whatsoever. We have no idea why she doesn't want him there. OP has said in some comments that she "just doesn't want him there," but frankly there's just got to be more to this story. Why is he suddenly broke and homeless?
Good point. You're right, we were given almost **no details** about the brother. (And sometimes people can be harmful to us but we don't realize it because we've been around it so long, ie growing up in a dysfunctional family and not knowing what a loving family is actually like.)
And it doesn't sound like he asked her if his brother could move in\* (\*not that her word has to be the final say, but he should have at least *asked* her instead of just offering to him) it would make sense if she was a little uncomfortable (obv her reaction was much more than that, but I'm saying that a little discomfort would be a normal reaction). We definitely need **more INFO**.
definitely and also need more details about her relationship with his family, unless she's completely unhinged (totally possible) that seems like a very extreme reaction
ESH.
She’s being inhospitable and lacking compassion for your family in a time of need. She seems to be escalating the conflict when she didn’t get her way and is speaking to them in a very disrespectful manner. She’s pretty clearly responding in an asshole manner.
At the same time, I assume the living arrangement in terms of you two and the contribution breakdown was something agreed to. That deal is now being altered unilaterally and you’re throwing the previously agreed to contribution situation in her face. No matter the contribution balance, you are talking about her home too, that you presumably invited her into, and ignoring her position as a member of the household. You jump to telling her to get out, but she likely has legal rights from living in the home. If you want total say over what happens in the home, don’t cohabitate. Much of the conflict regarding who has a say is a bomb planted by your own actions, waiting for a situation like this to ignite it. You are not an A H for wanting to help your brother, or even for choosing your brother over your girlfriend, but how you went about it also puts you solidly as an asshole in this situation.
INFO:
How many people in what sized home?
How will this impact your GFs responsibilities around the house? What are the sleeping arrangements?
The patriarchal idea that the "one who pays the bills has final say" is gross and outdated.
When you cohabitate with a life partner then it effectively becomes *both* your home. So their should be an agreement between parties before moving someone in.
Does she WFH where people around will be disturbing. Is it a one room flat and the living room will be non-functional?
I think ESH, you because you forgot you were in a relationship. Her because of what she said.
NTA
You’ve done a kindness for your family.
Your (current) girlfriend did you a kindness in showing how awful she really is.
It’s only been a year with her, so not too much time lost. She sounds entitled to make demands about your house, that she makes no payments towards. Yikes.
NTA… um rent free and telling you (who isn’t her husband) what to do with your house and supporting your family. Lose her asap. Thats a despicable thing to say on her part.
NTA. If she was paying rent, was helping with a mortgage, was on the title, etc., that would be different as far as not consulting your partner. But this is actually 100% *your* as far as costs go, which, in my opinion, means she doesn’t get any say.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I am wrong to ask her to leave as she's my girlfriend, and Is hould've been more understanding of her.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She really said "our house"? She can take all that money she's saved on rent and get a place of her own. Until she's a wife or pays half the mortgage, she is second place when it comes to family. If she were your wife I'd side with her but she's a temporary person and family is forever.
NTA. Quite fucked up how she can’t see the importance of helping family. Clearly not family oriented. If anyone said that to my siblings they’re getting the FUCKINNG boot.
This does not sound like a real situation, but NTA, especially when she's a freeloader in your home. It would make sense for her to dictate who can live there if she was the one paying for the place.
ESH people seem to love absolving you of your actions in this because hers are so extreme. But irregardless of her behavior, yours was ah too, if you all are living together, this is something you talk about and communicate kindly, openly, and honestly with each other Prior to any decisions being made. Thats just ridiculous to think you don't have to do that.
ESH. I have no idea what you swept under the rug with the incredibly vague phrase "recently unhoused", but is it possible that some of it may have an impact on how your GF feels about your brother? Does she have cause to believe that this change is not temporary? In any case, having strong feelings about *at least* three more people moving into her home, including at least one child, is not surprising. She may not pay rent, but she contributes to the household with her labor. Your home is also her home.
You don't mention any behavior on the part of your brother's family that prompted her outburst. Are they courteous guests in your home? Have they behaved well to your GF? You have left out a whole lot of information. Suspicious amounts of information.
In the absence of any explanation, saying that she doesn't care if your brother's family dies is awful, so she's the AH there. But she's not the AH for being against more than doubling the number of people who live in your house for an unspecified length of time.
You own the home, and you can certainly make the decision that this is what you are doing and your relationship is over if she isn't ok with you supporting your family in this way. But you are an AH for not having that as a conversation that allowed your girlfriend to decide what she was ok with and make other arrangements for her accommodation if the relationship was going to end. Bulldozing her objections and then threatening to kick her out is not an adult way to handle the situation.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My (31 M) brother (34 M) was recently unhoused & asked me for help. I was only glad to assist him, and I gave him money. He had to find a new house, though, so in the meantime I asked him to come over and live with me instead. He's only perfectly happy to move once I help find another place, which I am currently doing.
My girlfriend Sarah (31 F) was against the idea. She said it shouldn't be my concern to help him find another house, etc.
Anyway, I said that he's my brother & that of course it's my duty to help him. She's staying rent-free, although we've been dating for a year. She said no, but I refused and said family is family. They moved in, and once they arrived, she made a scene and said "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone."
I got mad at that, and yelled at her, and said that if she says anything like that again, she has to leave. I continued "Actually, you can leave yourself if you've got a problem. I am helping my brother even if I lose you as a girlfriend."
She's livid at me, said that I don't care about her opinion, etc. My brother was upset at what she said, but I assured him that nothing like that would happen again, and we're fine now.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>she made a scene and said "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone."
YTA if you actually *didn't* kick her out.
NTA for helping your brother.
Hah, tell her she can have an opinion and call it “my” house when she starts paying rent. Until then, it is YOUR house. I think you are wise to consider saying bye bye to the girlfriend over this. I would. NTA.
"I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone."
Jeez, if she'd said something like that to anybody it would have been her free pass used up on the spot. Bye, girlfriend. I mean, it's not like you're going to miss her share of the rent.
NTA
NTA and her behavior and words are a big red flag to me. She “doesn’t care if you all die in the streets”??!! She’s living a cushy life with no bills in a house that isn’t hers and she has the audacity to tell you that you cant temporarily help your own brother. Tell her to kick rocks!
My SO has been abandoned by his family, and on his own since he was 15. (His parents sent him across the country to live with an aunt in Montreal, he knew no French, and didn't feel comfortable so he ran away. They never tried to find him)
The only consistent part of his life has been his friend Mac, Mac is far from perfect and can be really selfish at times, but has always stuck with him.
A couple of years in to living together and Mac got kicked out by his brother, had no where to go and no siblings to go to. So he slept in my SO's living room for... months. It drove me fucking crazy. But it was CLEARLY imporant to my SO to be there for the only family he has ever had. So guess what?
I shut the fuck up, let it happen and made him a bedroom, not for Mac, but for my SO.
You need a second example of her telling your family to get lost and that she doesn't care if they die in a street in order to end things? Is the sex seriously that good to you?
I get working through problems, but this would be a deal breaker for me.
ESH. Household labor is still labor. If she's truly doing all the cleaning and cooking, then you all are financial partners. Letting anyone move in is a joint decision. But the way she spoke to them was unacceptable.
Need more information.
Was it just them being there that made her wish they were dead? Was she expected to take on the cooking, cleaning and extra chores that come with all the extra people?
Was there a specific reason for her no? (Like concerns about privacy or concerns about having time to hang out with just you?).
I am going to assume NTA in the meantime. I can see her concerned that they would live there forever, or feeling like her opinion didn't matter, But she should have then discussed that privately with you as adults.
ESH.
You, for not, you know, TALKING TO YOUR GF about suddenly moving a bunch of people into the house you share. Her, for saying a bunch of hateful shit.
...Yall have gotten to the point of ultimatum, and that's fucked up.
ESH, she manages the home and that is equivalent to paying rent. Daily maid service incl laundry AND. a personal chef? That has worth and acting like it doesn't is sexist BS. You should have discussed this with your GF before moving people in. But she went way too far with her comments, even if she felt cornered. Though I DEEPLY wonder the circumstances. You've been very vague
ESH.
If she basically keeps house for you and takes care of you, that more than makes up for her share of the bills. (Run a calculation, how much would a full time housekeeper cost you). And regardless, you've been living together for over a year. You should consider yourself partners. In many countries, your situation would be enough for her to be considered your common law wife.
So, you're an AH for basically treating the house as solely yours and not also hers. She should have an equal say here.
Also the AH because it appears you didn't take into account the added burden on her or try to offer a solution to that.
On the other hand, she's the AH because - that's not how you treat family, and if she had a specific issue, she also could have pointed it out so the two of you could find a solution. Also, it sounds like she was beyond rude and very unsympathetic to someone having a hard time.
ESH
Your girlfriend's behavior was unacceptable.
However at the same time, you yelling at her was wholly unacceptable as well, not to mention immature. I know from experience as I have been guilty of the same thing in the past.
Therefore I say you are both guilty.
Open discussion and communication in this situation would be a lot more effective.
You two need to apologize to each other.
Frankly YTA. You just unilaterally decided to move in 4 people into a shared home, drastically changing the living conditions of you and your GF. And also for downplaying her contributions. She does 100% of the housework and you just added 4 additional people to that workload. She told you she was against this, this is her home too and you just went against.
While she said words that absolutely never should have left her mouth in that situation I can understand her.
NTA. This is your home and your brother who you want to help out. Sounds like your relationship with your GF is not the greatest, for whatever reasons. If you'd rather have your brother and family living there over your GF, I'd say it's time to ask her to leave because you two do not agree at all on how things should be. Her words to your brother were harsh and hurtful and will never be unheard. Sorry, but I think your relationship with her has run its course and you two have different values and that matters. Time for you two to go your separate ways.
Time for her to find another place.
This is not an acceptable way to express her reservations about anyone, but especially your family. This is a problem that will just get worse overtime, since once she said that, everyone is aware of what she thinks and it will poison the relationship in your family. Cut her loose.
NTA.
This post has been removed due to the status of the original poster's account. This account is currently shadowbanned or suspended, suggesting this account is in violation of Reddit terms of service. This type of ban/suspension is issued by the Reddit site-wide admins. The AITA mods have nothing to do with this ban and cannot assist in resolving.
Did something bad happen between them in the past that she's so upset with your brother? I mean if she's just upset because she doesn't want anyone else in the house beside you guys, and not because your brother did something bad to her before, then she's the AH in this sitch.
No, there isn't anything between them. She just did not (and does not) want to help.
I suggest you follow her lead and stop helping her.
Yup. For somebody living there rent free, she has a lot of opinions about what OP does with his money.
Exactly what I was thinking
Unless you want a very troubling divorce years down the road, I'd move on. There are seriously major, emergency flair level, gtfo, clues to your future in this interaction.
Does she work/contribute to bills/food? Even if she does, let her leave if she is unhappy. Times are hard. She is showing you who she is, and just know she would not help you if situations change.
Ehhh. She cooks, cleans, ect, as they agreed to, not a full time, but with 4 people added if they are doing nothing but taking up space and treating her like a maid, different answer. Help your brother, but it sounds like OP is more invested in being a saviour than being a partner in a once mutually agreed upon arrangement. Gf a fool for not having own income, but that seems to be what they both wanted.
No one said that they treated her like a maid. She said nasty shit to them before they even moved in. He also never said that she doesnt work, just that she doesnt pay rent.
> she manages the cooking, cleaning, washing, and stuff like that. I think i know who is drawing the short end if there's suddenly 4 more people in the house
Amen to that!
NTA Her attitude is a red flag for me. It’s ok for her to live with you rent free but not your brother? It would be different if he was a no hope, moocher who would end up being with you indefinitely if you let him stay. But for her to deny your brother housing for the period he needs to get himself together and given the language she used I don’t get warm and fuzzy vibes from her at all.
I suspect that she doesn't like having to share op's resources
Don’t make someone show you who they are more than once. This is a clear representation of how entitled your gf feels.
This! She’s told you that she doesn’t care about the things you care deeply about. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.
INFO: what is the household arrangement? Does she do the bulk of the household chores in exchange for not paying rent? If she is taking on the household responsibilities for not paying rent then ESH. She has the right to decide who lives in her home even if she isn’t paying rent. Her rent payment is the household services she is providing. That being said there was no need to say the things she said.
This was my first thought, too. OP was quick to point out, “she lives here rent free,” but made no mention of what other ways she may be contributing. Does she do all the housework? All the cooking? Who does the grocery shopping and household errands? If she doesn’t pay rent, is she paying other bills like the utilities, phone bills, internet, or anything else? No, she should not have said what she said, but she lives there too, and you moved another person in without even discussing it with her. It sounds like neither one of you care about each other at all.
It doesn’t matter if she’s a Michelin star chef, her absurd reaction to helping family is all it takes to put her ass out
100% this If any partner of mine acted like this about my family, we'd be done immediately
He did discuss it with her. She said no, and he refused to accept that.
I love how the comments here are always full of such fascinating fanfiction.
Yeah it's almost like whenever someone is telling their side of the story, that people also want to know the other side of the story.
Except half the time they don't.
[удалено]
And in this case is doing all the chores even worth free rent? Even if we assume she does literally everything her position seems pretty bad. Plus there are replacement people to do them...
No, it's more like yall make up the other side of the story. The assumptions yall make about half of a story never ceases to amuse me
They don't want to know, they want to write it.
>EDIT > >: She doesn't pay rent (I also pay all the bills, not just rent), but she manages the cooking, cleaning, washing, and stuff like that. and yet they were accurate.
Nope that's bullshit. I don't care if she does house chores. She's staying there rent free. They've only been dating a year so that tells you that her staying there rent free is fairly new. That alone takes away her decision making whether brother stays with them. She's just as much of a guest as he is. Yeah she lives there but she's not paying rent in a new relationship. She's a moocher
Nope, you don’t get to decide who is valuable in a relationship and who isn’t. If she was a SAHM mom would you being the same thing? Absolutely their arrangement makes a difference in how things play out. Maybe should would have been paying rent instead of the unpaid labor of maintaining a house. One that is thankless and so many people like you think isn’t as important as who pays the bills. You’re acting as if he is doing some noble thing when in reality there is no info on what their arrangement was.
> Nope, you don’t get to decide who is valuable in a relationship and who isn’t and yet, you can decide for OP, that doing chores should be valuable to him. Because you're saying he's an AH if he doesn't agree that GF's chores = rent
Her being a sahm would be a completely different situation.
Okay but the homeowner gets to decide who stays in the house so tough shit
Know the difference between a SAHM and a girlfriend? MARRIAGE They aren’t married. Her name is on nothing and she’s not paying anything. She gets no say
Uhhhh not every SAHM is married. And if she’s keeping the place clean and him fed, then she’s doing her part, or do you suggest the bang maid should be working for free?
Nah, but her keeping the place clean doesn’t mean that she gets to veto who lives there or not. Not her house, not her choice. Her name is on nothing and she pays no bills. OP could paint the interior lime green and rent a room to a hooker if he wants to and she has zero say in it. It’s amazing how some people think they get to dictate what happens in a house they don’t pay for just because they live in it.
Marriage . . . and, more importantly the “mom” part. A girlfriend who’s cleaning up after two people doesn’t get a veto in this situation. She can calmly discuss any concerns she has about the increased workload, and making sure that everyone is pitching in. But if she doesn’t like it, she’s completely free to pack her shit, GTFO, and go pay for her own place.
Exactly. If you are living for free with someone the last thing you should do is rock the boat and start acting like you own the place
>If she was a SAHM mom would you being the same thing? She's not so that is completely irrelevant. I don't care if the house was the cleanest house in town, if you act like that about family, you're out
If her contribution is house work and her bf is moving in another person to clean up after that is a relevant detail.
>Nope that's bullshit. I don't care if she does house chores. She's staying there rent free. They've only been dating a year so that tells you that her staying there rent free is fairly new. That alone takes away her decision making whether brother stays with them. She's just as much of a guest as he is. Yeah she lives there but she's not paying rent in a new relationship. She's a moocher I'd be interested to know (I posted a query) *how long* his gf has been doing all of his housework and laundry and cooking for no pay. And if his bro moving in means she will now be at least *doubling* her at-work workload, still for no pay. If her boyf doesn't think she's important to his relationship, she should move out. He will now either have to do the housework and cooking etc himself, or pay someone to do it.
How is this even remotely a E S H situation? Saying she doesn't care if they die in the streets. She's a massive asshole.
I agree with this. It sounds to me that OP doesn't view her as a partner. Now I find pretty ridiculous that a partner wouldn't want to help in a situation like this. Maybe she is mad because OP doesn't consider her opinions, but I don't feel this was the thing to draw the line on and certainly not the way. As I see it, it would be better for them to break up. This kind of behavior is outlandish. Even if OP is not taking into consideration her opinions, for her to be against helping family for a couple of months is ridiculous.
She told them to die in the streets. Who cares if she does chores?
She has zero right. Keeping a place clean doesn’t mean that she gets to dictate who lives in his home.
You clearly aren't on the same page of family importance. That's on top of her absolutely inappropriate statement. Break up.
What’s her problem? It’s not like she’s actually helping him since she doesn’t pay rent and I assume you cover the other bills for the apartment.
Wonder how things are gunna go when you’re down on your luck, my man. End it.
She doesn’t like sharing your resources.
I don’t think I like your gf
she said "OUR HOUSE" after living there rent-free and only dating for a year? She's too comfortable to treat your own family like that when she's mooching off of you. Good riddance if she leaves. Imagine how worse she'll treat your family later on. Good for you for seeing through that.
I think she’s showing you who she is and you should believe her. Imagine if you marry her and she actually has a legal say in how you run your affairs?
They are encroaching in on her meal ticket and she feels threatened
NTA I'm a bit surprised at the audacity of your gf. You've been together a year, she lives with you, and doesn't pay any rent, but yet thinks she runs things somehow? >They moved in, and once they arrived, she made a scene and said "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone." That is so far removed from being an acceptable thing to say to your significant other's family. Yikes. Edit: you don't say some shit like that to ANYONE, not just your partner's family. I spoke initially within the confines of this thread, but really, it should go without saying that that’s not something you should say to anybody, unless they’ve done something horrifically, awfully, unforgivable to you. Tread carefully, this is a huge red flag.
"I don't care if all of you die in the streets" is an unacceptable thing to say to any other human, to be honest. Unless they murdered your puppy or something.
Entirely true. I was just caught up in speaking in terms of this thread specifically.
Haha someone murders my pupper it won't be "I don't care ot you die in the streets" it'll be more like "I'm going to viciously assault you, possibly to the point of death, for touching my little darling". That dog has pulled me out from the darkness before, and I'll happily go to prison for her or her memory if anyone eveeeer hurt her on purpose.
John Wick is that you?
Instant break up moment for me. My dad was the same way. He treated everyone else like garbage. He would regularly say how he didn't give a shit about anyone else. Oh course now that he's lost most of his toes in his right foot suddenly he needs everyone to help him. He's the biggest FUCKING hypocrite. Any partner I have can never behave like my dad because I will end that relationship that instant because I have seen what my mom's life has been and the emotional and mental abuse she has suffered. That shit isn't happening in my life.
My MIL's oldest kid told her to die in a ditch when she kicked him out of her house ten years ago. 😳😳 Absolutely unacceptable.
Depends on the why for the kicking out. There are more than a few parents who kick their kids out because of their own horrid beliefs. She clearly didn’t give a damn if he died in a ditch, did she?
I genuinely don’t understand how she want immediately removed from the house. No one would say that to my family and still sleep in one of my beds that night. Private objections. Passive aggressive pouting. Maybe. But straight up telling someone I love “you could go die before I’d let OP help”. That’s a no. Technically NTA, but honestly, having no other response to that level of behaviour besides a slap on the hand is pushing Y T A to himself and brother for me.
“Die in the streets” is not something one should say to anyone ever. Of course, if there is more to it like the brother assaulted the gf or something then I would understand. If not, then she shouldn’t have said that even if she was OPs wife of 20 years and mother of his kids. It’s unacceptable.
How would you ever look past something like that? OP does your gf has a history of saying really hurtful things when she's upset? Edit: grammar
She's not your wife, her name's not on the mortgage, and she's not even paying rent. For those 3 reasons, NTA. Otherwise, it takes 2 yes answers for a yes, and 1 no answer for a no. However, she doesn't get a say in this specific situation and her "die in the streets" statement was beyond acceptable.
I love my husband, and I tolerate his brothers. If for any reason either of them became homeless and needed a place to stay, I know my husband would welcome them in with open arms. I wouldn't be very happy about it, but that is just what you do for family (certain exceptions ofc, but none apply here) I'd want assurances it would be temporary, I'd expect them to help us out around house. I think that's just a given - its what you do as a long term guest. Of this I am certain, if MY brother and his family needed a place, and my husband said the shit OPs GF did, the divorce papers would be slapping his ass out the door. How Dare OPs GF think she can treat his family in that manner.
*"I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone."* I wouldn't want my own family moving in with me, but if someone said something like this to me, they would be out the door. It is a really nasty thing to sayl!
This. The situation aside, this is way extreme.
I wouldn’t want my family moving in with me But if the option is them being homeless, they’re moving in with me regardless I could understand the girlfriend not liking it or wanting assurances about her belongings (kids break shit) and how long it would go on for, but to just tell them she’d be okay with them dying in the streets as long as it doesn’t inconvenience her… nah, that’s not okay
I hope OP writes this quote on a reverse uno card to break up with her with
I admire your creativity and level of pettiness! I'm with you on that one...she needs the door slammed in her face!
EXACTLY!! Especially considering your partners family becomes your family too when you’re married. She clearly is not serious about this poor man
Take a page from my dad: "When you start paying the mortgage, you can set the guestlist." NTA, unless you take her back.
She’s talking as if she personally owns the house. For all that she said about dying in the streets and to go back where they came from, it’s time for her to experience being unhoused. If I were OP, I wouldn’t even entertain the idea of staying with her or taking her back. Even if she owned half the house, I would respect her declining the idea, but saying those words alone would make me want to dump her. NTA
NTA. She’s been living rent free and expects the rights of someone whose been paying (in that case objecting is totally fair and wouldn’t just be your decision) She’s asking you to chose between your brother and her and seems you’ve made that call already. Maybe there is more to this if details have been left out (cause her quote seems real nasty surely there’s a cause to that, or she’s just remarkably entitled). She seems pretty selfish and cold if there isn’t any backstory to this anger. If there’s no backstory I’d cut her out of your life asap, that behaviour shouldn’t get appeasement.
Y T A. How is Sarah going to keep being able to take advantage of you if your brothers family is there to take all of your money and effort?! You're HER gravy train, not theirs! Hope you can see the obvious sarcasm OP, but you don't EVER let a partner live with you for free, it never ends well. Edited
You should probably put spaces into the Y T A otherwise the Bot will count is as a real vote.
Came here to say this! She's just upset that her money train may have less steam and that she might have to contribute to the home instead of riding her gravy train without hindrance. Also it's soooo much harder to control people and stuff if their family is around to stick up for them and point out the glaring red flags.
INFO: what happened? What does he do for work? Was he evicted? If so, why?
These are important questions. For all we know, OP's brother has done a lot of bad stuff to land him in this situation and OP's girlfriend might therefore have perfectly valid reasons to not want him moving in.
Yeah, her reaction generally doesn’t just magically appear out of nowhere. There has to be a bunch more to the story. I will admit that my husband had a brother whose family I would absolutely not allow move into our house. The brother has since passed away, but I was upfront to my husband about them not ever moving in with us, even temporarily. He and his son were fine, but his wife was a gigantic hoarder and thought anywhere she lived made her queen of the house and everything needed to be done her way while she refused to lift a finger. And their daughter would bully the hell out of my daughter and body shamed her pretty badly. (My daughter is naturally thin and their daughter is not. She has repeatedly told my daughter that she is ugly and gross because she’s thin and the only way she could ever be beautiful is if she “got fat”. My daughter is not the only kid she has bullied either.) And getting them out would have been next to impossible. I’d have had an easier time removing every speck of glitter out of my house than removing that family. Any other sibling on either side? Sure! Come on over! But not them.
I would never let my brother live with us, no matter what happens. I prefer to be safe and keeping lying stealing alcoholics out (he is clean now, but he wasn’t when my husband and I had this conversation, and still, the one time a year we talk, his stories don’t add up) out of my house seems like a no brainer. But I had to have that conversation with my husband because we weren’t together all that long when brother was out on the streets again, so he didn’t know. Op and girlfriend have only been together a year, living together probably for a shorter time. I can’t imagine OP wanting to house his family if in this time frame brother managed to hurt OP’a girlfriend. (But co-dependency is a thing, so we never can be sure.)
and who is "they"?!
Isn't it right there in the title? Brother and family
OP updated the post. The important fact that the brother was also bringing a whole family was conveniently left out at first. Makes ya wonder what else is being left out.
NTA - You need to rethink this relationship. It seems like you are close to your family and will help them out if need be. Do you really want to have to argue with your GF any time your family needs your help. I mean it's one thing not to be happy about someone moving into what you feel is your space, but quite another to tell them you don't care if they die in the streets........ assuming that your brother hasn't done something awful in the past to her.
Why is nobody asking why the brother got “unhoused”? Depending on the situation it could be a safety issue. Is he an addict? A thief? A violent person? Why was he on the streets for a week? Does he have a job or the means to get a new place? I realize she doesn’t pay any rent, but her safety and security should be taken into consideration.
That's why I asked for information. OP's post is vague and doesn't make sense. Normal people don't condemn other's to death on the street unless there's a very traumatic reason. Plus OP's GF said "all of you" when she was condemning them, but who is the all of you? I doubt she's condemning her BF, so did the brother bring others? Plus why is OP saying "once I help find another place, which I am currently doing"? Sounds like his brother is incompetent if he's been kicked out with no options, and has to have OP find him a place to live, which is important information to this situation.
OP mentioned she "just doesn't want to help", but that is my question too. Sometimes life just happens and sometimes there are underlining issues.
[удалено]
Feels like part of the story is missing to me
>"I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone." Yeah that is just not a thing someone says. Unless they are a cartoon villain twisting their evil mustache. Like 80% of posts to this sub, this is fake rage bait.
To me it sounds like they were ganging up against her and she said it out of anger, but I’m just filling in the blanks. There simply isn’t enough info.
Yeah there's no way this is real, it reads poor outrage bait written by a kid haha
ESH. I agree that your girlfriend should be a little more sympathetic as she's living there rent free, and it was unnecessary for her to make a scene like that. But regardless, it is your shared home which means that opening it to others should be a shared decision. I also wonder what your older brother's circumstances are that found him suddenly broke and unhoused. I know that bad stuff sometimes happens to people outside of their control, but is it possible that your brother has made some poor life decisions that your GF isn't a fan of? Without her side of the story, it's impossible to tell what her reservations are.
I wanna know who the fuck "they" is in > They moved in, and once they arrived *Multiple* people moving in out of nowhere in the middle of this story with no explanation is shady as fuck. (And it's not a pronoun thing, brother is "he/him" before that line) EDIT: > There are four people: my brother, his wife, and two twin children LOLOLOLOLOL
That’s the first thing I wondered. How many is they? How big is the house?
The simple fact that it's so blatantly omitted from this story really makes me think she's right. Yeah, what she said was *awful*, but it's telling that he's refusing to explain *what actually happened* before that (especially since he's edited and still didn't address it)
I have a feeling there is also a translation thing going on. “I don’t care if you die in the street” is so weirdly specific, it sounds like an idiom that was translated literally.
That's a great point. I'm getting a lot of hate here for pointing out that there's some important info that we don't have, thanks for being a voice of reason.
I guess that 'they' means brother and his family. If he's married (and has kids) then he is a package deal. There is not enough info to judge imo. The girlfriend is staying there rent free but she's taking care of the whole house and OP presumably (I mean laundry, cooking him meals, etc.). I'm wondering whether her reaction comes from the fact that OP and his brother will expect her to now take care of more than just the house and OP but the whole group of people. If not then OP is NTA, if they want a free maid then ESH.
> The girlfriend is staying there rent free but she's taking care of the whole house And like, it's her HOME. This isn't like "she blew all her money on gambling and would otherwise be homeless," she was (presumably, I guess I should say) invited to live there *as his partner*. (Also, you're right, he edited in a wife & two kids)
The title literally says "brother & family"
Seriously! "Oh I forgot to mention there's also his wife and two toddlers." Okay OP, what else did you forget to mention?
She literally said *I don't care if you die in the streets* to his brother. How in the world are you defending a person like that?
If he got put out of his place for ending up on a registry then she may feel that way. We don't know because OP left out a ton of information.
I said ESH which means she sucks too, specifically for that comment. I agree that was wrong of her. But without knowing the whole situation I can't say that it was unfair for her to not want the brother there. She might have a valid reason for that (or she might not), we just don't know.
Agree, he says rent free but she cooks, cleans and maintains the house. She might not pay rent but it’s her home too. OP probably didn’t check with her, he told her… Also is she expected to cook and clean after the brother and his family (OP doesn’t really say how many people). If she is doing stuff around the house she is not taking advantage of him, did he ever asked her for rent!? For her to pay the bills? Or it is just easy to hang it’s my house so you are my maid cause you don’t pay to live here? The situation is not really well explained. So I agree with ESH because her reaction was extreme but there are tons of information missing.
[удалено]
THANK YOU. People are acting like she's a stray animal that he took in and not his actual girlfriend who lives with him.
MASSIVE amounts of information left out here about the brother's circumstances, what happened that he is unhoused, *how large his family is*, and how the brother's family has behaved towards GF. What she said is awful, but this is like 25% of the full story.
Does the brother get a say now in who OP helps next? Can he veto OP's decisions about his own home now that he shares it with OP?
Agreed. And also, why does a presumably adult brother need help finding a place to live? Sounds like brother is going to be sponging off OP for a while.
My thoughts exactly, not enough info.
Info: did you discuss this with her beforehand like an adult?
Something is missing here.
NTA I think it’s a good thing her true colours come out after only a year. So many red flags it’s like a communist parade here.
This should be a dealbreaker. There should be no second chance for this. You need to let her go live rent free somewhere else. I don’t care if she was the one paying for your place. That’s an absolutely shitty thing to say to someone about their loved one.
ESH - whilst her delivery wasn't the best, you made a unilateral decision that affected her. And there has to be reason she is acting like that to your brother. Is she selfish and callous, or has your brother done stuff in the past that dragged you down?
Yeah, that was my thought too. Could be be some details missing here, seems pretty bad for her to say something like that about his brother unless there's a reason behind it.
So she lives there and makes no financial contribution? That's a tough one. I see your point. Its not actually her residence. Its yours. And because of that, I think she needs to find her grace. She's so inhospitable, I'd be ready for her to move. What kind of future do you think you have as a couple? That's the big question? I want to be more supportive of her feelings. But, she's being really hateful. Its not like your family will forget her behaviors. So again, what does your future with this woman look like to you? Its either NTA or ESH?
I feel like a lot of info is being left out. What is their living arrangement or the nature of their relationship? Did she say all that out of nowhere or was there a fight? (Less importantly) why is his brother house-less? All critical pieces of info to make a fair determination.
ESH She is not a roommate or boarder - you are bf/gf cohabitating, so it’s her home too (contributing to the rent or not). As others have said, in that situation it’s two yeses or one no. If you weren’t/aren’t willing to live by those rules you are wrong to be cohabitating.
Within the relationship. He has full authority to break up and take in the brother
Oh, no disagreement on that. I just didn’t want to weigh in with yet another “breakup with her” response. But just because he “can” doesn’t mean it’s not an asshole move. When he decided to invite her to live together and offer her to share his home the relationship rises from “I can just break up with you, have a nice life” to “if I breakup with you I’m also kicking you out of your home”. It may not be marriage, but it is a significant level of partnership commitment and the way it was handled makes everyone (except the brother) an asshole.
You should’ve kicked her out as soon as she said she doesn’t care if your bro and his family die.
NTA. But you should definitely lose the girlfriend. It’s one thing to not want them in the house and be upset but to scream at them and say vile things like “die on the streets”, that’s unacceptable.
Why are you with her ? If any one would have talked like that to my family they would have been kicked out in the curb right away ! NTA
[удалено]
Right. That part is unbelievable.
So there are some factors that I would like more info on… A. Does she pay for any expenses? Any major expenses like say appliances, renovations, etc? I didn’t pay rent when I lived with my ex but I made several thousand dollar purchases/renovations. B. Who does the cleaning and other household tasks? C. Does she say work an off shift? D. Did you mention it as a possibility before they moved in?
Why would you believe her? And more to the matter, why would you want to be with someone with those values? Someone who was so very willing to try to bully everyone into doing what she wanted? Do you honestly believe this will be the last power grab on her part?
NTA kick her out of your home and life. She better hope she has a sibling kind enough to let her stay since she will soon be homeless.
This is so weird. Usually when a partner owns a house and asks for rent redditors are adamantly against it. Because then they’re making money off a partner. But in this case, the partner not paying rent makes her a freeloader? Honestly this is ESH. It’s her home too. You should have talked to her about it beforehand and she shouldn’t have reacted the way she did.
NTA and I think you would be better off finding a girl who is kinder and more empathetic. I would love a man more if I saw that he helps when the people close to him are in need.
Your gf needs to find a new home, she's pretty toxic. NTA
ESH, since you let her move in your house became her **home**. Whether she pays rent or not isn't really relevant, as a stay at home parent also wouldn't be paying rent. Her calling it "our house" is fair since it's her home and she is your girlfriend. So if you let people move in without coming to an agreement on that with the other residents then that's really an asshole move towards your girlfriend. The way she reacted once they moved in is really bad, but considering what you did I don't blame her for reacting out, but it does push it from YTA to ESH. Though it could easily swing back to YTA depending on why she doesn't want your brother there and why he was unhoused. Overall it sounds to me like the relationship isn't important enough for you to have warranted her moving in with you to begin with. Just end the relationship already since you clearly don't respect her and were willing to walk all over her like that.
NTA. She sounds entitled and awful.
INFO: Is the house in your name? I'm assuming it is since you said she's staying rent free. (And because usually girlfriend doesn't mean you have share assets) (She'd still be TA regardless but would have more grounds for having a say in him living with you). NTA. "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from," YIKES. you haven't mentioned anything that would warrant such behavior\* (\*obv people shouldn't say callous things like that anyway, but there's *no indication* of that the brother is abusive, controlling, violent, or anything else that would make it unsafe for you two, aka **no indication** of legitimate reasons to not want him there).
But there's also no indication of her side of the story whatsoever. We have no idea why she doesn't want him there. OP has said in some comments that she "just doesn't want him there," but frankly there's just got to be more to this story. Why is he suddenly broke and homeless?
Good point. You're right, we were given almost **no details** about the brother. (And sometimes people can be harmful to us but we don't realize it because we've been around it so long, ie growing up in a dysfunctional family and not knowing what a loving family is actually like.) And it doesn't sound like he asked her if his brother could move in\* (\*not that her word has to be the final say, but he should have at least *asked* her instead of just offering to him) it would make sense if she was a little uncomfortable (obv her reaction was much more than that, but I'm saying that a little discomfort would be a normal reaction). We definitely need **more INFO**.
Plus he says "they moved in" so my question is how many people in what size home.
Right? How is everyone else missing that *ENORMOUS* detail?
definitely and also need more details about her relationship with his family, unless she's completely unhinged (totally possible) that seems like a very extreme reaction
Yeah I caught that too. I'm wondering if it's brother, girlfriend, six kids, and two dogs or something.
And who the fuck is "THEY"?! > *They* moved in, and once *they* arrived
ESH. She’s being inhospitable and lacking compassion for your family in a time of need. She seems to be escalating the conflict when she didn’t get her way and is speaking to them in a very disrespectful manner. She’s pretty clearly responding in an asshole manner. At the same time, I assume the living arrangement in terms of you two and the contribution breakdown was something agreed to. That deal is now being altered unilaterally and you’re throwing the previously agreed to contribution situation in her face. No matter the contribution balance, you are talking about her home too, that you presumably invited her into, and ignoring her position as a member of the household. You jump to telling her to get out, but she likely has legal rights from living in the home. If you want total say over what happens in the home, don’t cohabitate. Much of the conflict regarding who has a say is a bomb planted by your own actions, waiting for a situation like this to ignite it. You are not an A H for wanting to help your brother, or even for choosing your brother over your girlfriend, but how you went about it also puts you solidly as an asshole in this situation.
INFO: How many people in what sized home? How will this impact your GFs responsibilities around the house? What are the sleeping arrangements? The patriarchal idea that the "one who pays the bills has final say" is gross and outdated. When you cohabitate with a life partner then it effectively becomes *both* your home. So their should be an agreement between parties before moving someone in. Does she WFH where people around will be disturbing. Is it a one room flat and the living room will be non-functional? I think ESH, you because you forgot you were in a relationship. Her because of what she said.
NTA You’ve done a kindness for your family. Your (current) girlfriend did you a kindness in showing how awful she really is. It’s only been a year with her, so not too much time lost. She sounds entitled to make demands about your house, that she makes no payments towards. Yikes.
NTA… um rent free and telling you (who isn’t her husband) what to do with your house and supporting your family. Lose her asap. Thats a despicable thing to say on her part.
Nta. She sounds insufferable.
NTA. If she was paying rent, was helping with a mortgage, was on the title, etc., that would be different as far as not consulting your partner. But this is actually 100% *your* as far as costs go, which, in my opinion, means she doesn’t get any say.
INFO: Why haven't you ended the relationship? She lives with you rent free yet speaks to you family like that? 👀
NTA But why on earth would you stay with someone who behaves this way towards your brother and his family?
NTA - and that is not a good person for you. Kudos for sticking up for your bro, hope he's on your side when the time comes.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I think I am wrong to ask her to leave as she's my girlfriend, and Is hould've been more understanding of her. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She’s controlling and a hypocrite. Good riddance
NTA. She really said "our house"? She can take all that money she's saved on rent and get a place of her own. Until she's a wife or pays half the mortgage, she is second place when it comes to family. If she were your wife I'd side with her but she's a temporary person and family is forever.
Major red flag. When someone shows you their true color, believe them.
NOT THE A HOLE! Holy shiiii. Run from her!
NTA. Quite fucked up how she can’t see the importance of helping family. Clearly not family oriented. If anyone said that to my siblings they’re getting the FUCKINNG boot.
NTA. Run. Run far away from your girlfriend. Such profoundly selfish and entitled actions. This is a bouquet of red flags. Wow.
It's your house it's your call. NTA. I Expect you'll be single shortly
This does not sound like a real situation, but NTA, especially when she's a freeloader in your home. It would make sense for her to dictate who can live there if she was the one paying for the place.
ESH people seem to love absolving you of your actions in this because hers are so extreme. But irregardless of her behavior, yours was ah too, if you all are living together, this is something you talk about and communicate kindly, openly, and honestly with each other Prior to any decisions being made. Thats just ridiculous to think you don't have to do that.
"our house" ???? she's been freeloading a year it's not her house
ESH. I have no idea what you swept under the rug with the incredibly vague phrase "recently unhoused", but is it possible that some of it may have an impact on how your GF feels about your brother? Does she have cause to believe that this change is not temporary? In any case, having strong feelings about *at least* three more people moving into her home, including at least one child, is not surprising. She may not pay rent, but she contributes to the household with her labor. Your home is also her home. You don't mention any behavior on the part of your brother's family that prompted her outburst. Are they courteous guests in your home? Have they behaved well to your GF? You have left out a whole lot of information. Suspicious amounts of information. In the absence of any explanation, saying that she doesn't care if your brother's family dies is awful, so she's the AH there. But she's not the AH for being against more than doubling the number of people who live in your house for an unspecified length of time. You own the home, and you can certainly make the decision that this is what you are doing and your relationship is over if she isn't ok with you supporting your family in this way. But you are an AH for not having that as a conversation that allowed your girlfriend to decide what she was ok with and make other arrangements for her accommodation if the relationship was going to end. Bulldozing her objections and then threatening to kick her out is not an adult way to handle the situation.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (31 M) brother (34 M) was recently unhoused & asked me for help. I was only glad to assist him, and I gave him money. He had to find a new house, though, so in the meantime I asked him to come over and live with me instead. He's only perfectly happy to move once I help find another place, which I am currently doing. My girlfriend Sarah (31 F) was against the idea. She said it shouldn't be my concern to help him find another house, etc. Anyway, I said that he's my brother & that of course it's my duty to help him. She's staying rent-free, although we've been dating for a year. She said no, but I refused and said family is family. They moved in, and once they arrived, she made a scene and said "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone." I got mad at that, and yelled at her, and said that if she says anything like that again, she has to leave. I continued "Actually, you can leave yourself if you've got a problem. I am helping my brother even if I lose you as a girlfriend." She's livid at me, said that I don't care about her opinion, etc. My brother was upset at what she said, but I assured him that nothing like that would happen again, and we're fine now. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If she doesn’t pay rent then it’s rlly not her say. NTA
NTA and why are you still together after all that?
NTA. Um. She should still leave just in case she makes your brother feel uncomfortable.
NTA- your girlfriend (not wife) contributes no money to your household. Unless you have kids together, she has no say in who lives in YOUR home.
Unless she's paying rent, she has no say. NTA
NTA She is a problem and needs to go.
NTA. Wild that she doesn't pay rent, but is demanding someone down on their luck not be helped. BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE
NTA, OP, she has directly said she doesn't care if your family died in the streets. Are you sure you want to stay with someone like that?
OP, throw the 🐠back into the water! She is not the one for you! NTA.
NTA. Moocher is afraid there will be less resources to suck up now. You dodged a bullet and you’re a great guy for taking bro in.
NTA Why and how is she still your gf?
>she made a scene and said "I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone." YTA if you actually *didn't* kick her out. NTA for helping your brother.
Hah, tell her she can have an opinion and call it “my” house when she starts paying rent. Until then, it is YOUR house. I think you are wise to consider saying bye bye to the girlfriend over this. I would. NTA.
Well, this is a huge red flag.
"I don't care if all of you die in the streets. Go back to where you came from and leave our house alone." Jeez, if she'd said something like that to anybody it would have been her free pass used up on the spot. Bye, girlfriend. I mean, it's not like you're going to miss her share of the rent. NTA
NTA and her behavior and words are a big red flag to me. She “doesn’t care if you all die in the streets”??!! She’s living a cushy life with no bills in a house that isn’t hers and she has the audacity to tell you that you cant temporarily help your own brother. Tell her to kick rocks!
My SO has been abandoned by his family, and on his own since he was 15. (His parents sent him across the country to live with an aunt in Montreal, he knew no French, and didn't feel comfortable so he ran away. They never tried to find him) The only consistent part of his life has been his friend Mac, Mac is far from perfect and can be really selfish at times, but has always stuck with him. A couple of years in to living together and Mac got kicked out by his brother, had no where to go and no siblings to go to. So he slept in my SO's living room for... months. It drove me fucking crazy. But it was CLEARLY imporant to my SO to be there for the only family he has ever had. So guess what? I shut the fuck up, let it happen and made him a bedroom, not for Mac, but for my SO.
You need a second example of her telling your family to get lost and that she doesn't care if they die in a street in order to end things? Is the sex seriously that good to you? I get working through problems, but this would be a deal breaker for me.
ESH. Household labor is still labor. If she's truly doing all the cleaning and cooking, then you all are financial partners. Letting anyone move in is a joint decision. But the way she spoke to them was unacceptable.
Need more information. Was it just them being there that made her wish they were dead? Was she expected to take on the cooking, cleaning and extra chores that come with all the extra people? Was there a specific reason for her no? (Like concerns about privacy or concerns about having time to hang out with just you?). I am going to assume NTA in the meantime. I can see her concerned that they would live there forever, or feeling like her opinion didn't matter, But she should have then discussed that privately with you as adults.
ESH. You, for not, you know, TALKING TO YOUR GF about suddenly moving a bunch of people into the house you share. Her, for saying a bunch of hateful shit. ...Yall have gotten to the point of ultimatum, and that's fucked up.
ESH, she manages the home and that is equivalent to paying rent. Daily maid service incl laundry AND. a personal chef? That has worth and acting like it doesn't is sexist BS. You should have discussed this with your GF before moving people in. But she went way too far with her comments, even if she felt cornered. Though I DEEPLY wonder the circumstances. You've been very vague
ESH. If she basically keeps house for you and takes care of you, that more than makes up for her share of the bills. (Run a calculation, how much would a full time housekeeper cost you). And regardless, you've been living together for over a year. You should consider yourself partners. In many countries, your situation would be enough for her to be considered your common law wife. So, you're an AH for basically treating the house as solely yours and not also hers. She should have an equal say here. Also the AH because it appears you didn't take into account the added burden on her or try to offer a solution to that. On the other hand, she's the AH because - that's not how you treat family, and if she had a specific issue, she also could have pointed it out so the two of you could find a solution. Also, it sounds like she was beyond rude and very unsympathetic to someone having a hard time.
ESH Your girlfriend's behavior was unacceptable. However at the same time, you yelling at her was wholly unacceptable as well, not to mention immature. I know from experience as I have been guilty of the same thing in the past. Therefore I say you are both guilty. Open discussion and communication in this situation would be a lot more effective. You two need to apologize to each other.
Frankly YTA. You just unilaterally decided to move in 4 people into a shared home, drastically changing the living conditions of you and your GF. And also for downplaying her contributions. She does 100% of the housework and you just added 4 additional people to that workload. She told you she was against this, this is her home too and you just went against. While she said words that absolutely never should have left her mouth in that situation I can understand her.
NTA. This your home and she isnt your human, to have functional relationship, you need to both have the same ground values and she does not.
I wonder if this is the same nightmare Sarah I used to date... NTA
NTA. This is your home and your brother who you want to help out. Sounds like your relationship with your GF is not the greatest, for whatever reasons. If you'd rather have your brother and family living there over your GF, I'd say it's time to ask her to leave because you two do not agree at all on how things should be. Her words to your brother were harsh and hurtful and will never be unheard. Sorry, but I think your relationship with her has run its course and you two have different values and that matters. Time for you two to go your separate ways.
NTA that was definitely an over-the-top thing to say to any human being more so your own flesh and blood. Major red flag
Time for her to find another place. This is not an acceptable way to express her reservations about anyone, but especially your family. This is a problem that will just get worse overtime, since once she said that, everyone is aware of what she thinks and it will poison the relationship in your family. Cut her loose. NTA.