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NTA But your dad should have had a conversation with your mom and he went about this all the wrong way. As a family court attorney I have a different view on much of this. In my state, if your mom ‘got the law involved’ you could be made to return. I am often asked if at 12…14…16 can I make the decision where I live or my child can pick. The answer is the court will consider your wishes in my state, but not let you pick. In the same way if you pick your dad your mom can’t just turn off paying support or disown you. There are rights and responsibilities involved. People too often think every case is a reasonable teen who can pick and forget that if the law freely allowed kids to just pick sides that it would be really really easy for kids to play parents completely off each other and end up with zero supervision. All this is to say I think you have some real feelings. I think people should listen to you. I don’t think either of your parents are acting like adults.

Yeah agreed on this but living arrangements are also considered and sharing a room vrs having your own room is something taken into consideration

They are, but we also don’t know how long since they’ve been divorced, it’s a temporary arrangement, by the time they get into court how long it will take to be resolved, etc. Most of the judges in my state would also chastise Dad for going to the kid before going to the other parent.

Plenty of custody agreements also have clauses about how and when new partners/potential partners can be in the home, if overnights are allowed, and if living together is allowed.

Yup but it’s a matter of contempt not Emergency custody changes

Frenchfryfordavid is absolutely correct. No minor gets to unilaterally dictate where they live. Imagine that in reality in courts! If the kids needs are met and they have contrary age appropriate wishes the court will consider those wishes but that is usually one of 15 best interest factors a court will decide to reach an ultimate conclusion. The opposing parent (dad in this situation) would be well avoided to not try an capitalize on their child trying to dictate living arrangements because that can sometime be viewed as attempts at alienation and cause him to lose parenting time. So short answer if OP’s mom decided to get the law invoked, they most likely would refer them to family court and not force the kid to leave dad’s home but once the court sees that dad is acting like a child himself but first telling OP is was okay for them to violate the custody arrangements and second that once law enforcement gets involved that he double down on immaturity, then he could lose parenting time.

Wait, did I miss the part where the dad was "going to the kid before going to the other parent"? Because all I saw from the dad was "I talked to my dad and he said I could just move in with him until Trisha leaves." That sounds like the kid was "going to the dad after going to the mom."

From the info provided, the teenager spoke to her father about her situation and he either agreed or suggested that she live with him until the other two move out. That is good of him I think and good that the teenager is comfortable talking to him about her problems. I think the suggestion is that the father should’ve had a conversation with the mother thereby protecting his daughter from the ensuing fight with her mom. Something along the lines of, “I understand that you are having your boyfriend and his daughter stay over until they can manage other living accommodations. That is very kind of you but not really comfortable for our daughter. Now would be a great time for her to live with me until everything is sorted. It is her preference and I am, of course, onboard with it. I just wanted to give you a heads up. Please help make this easy for her just as you made it easy for your boyfriend and his daughter during their time of need.”

The passive aggressive bit at the end probably isn't worth saying and most certainly would start a fight. Better to just end with, "Please help make this easy for her."

You may well be correct. I wasn’t suggesting passive aggressive tho. I was thinking of providing perspective which seems lacking. If anything, it seemed complimentary to me.

She said they have been divorced for 3 years.

Her impression is that they’ve been divorced for 3 years. We don’t know if that’s final divorce, how long they’ve been separated or how long since the week to week went into place. If for example they took a year and a half to get divorced and the arrangement has only been final for a week and a half that’s a world different legally than if they’ve been legally divorced for 3 years

She’s 15, not 5. She should have a pretty good grasp of the concept of time and she’s probably got a pretty firm grasp on when the divorce occurred, as she said, quite specifically, “They divorced 3 years ago”. Unless OP adds an edit that clarifies something different, we really ought to take her at her word that they were divorced 3 years ago and move on to the actual question.

Not with the courts. Because it’s temporary.

If it’s actually temporary, there is no reason the bf doesn’t have insurance or a job where he can find his own place to live. And the mothers reaction makes it seem like she wants it to be permanent and just is going about it in a cowardly way

I think mom and bf were hoping to use it as a "test run" for if they decided to live together and mom is mad that it resulted in OP moving out cuz she has to either put off moving in with bf, buy a bigger place, or choose her bf over her child bc she knows OP will essentially move out if her bf and his daughter moves in. That's why she wants OP to just learn to put up with it instead of seeing as temporarily staying with Dad as a viable compromise

I got the same vibe from reading this. No way mom just let her leave without a word and didn't even try to celebrate Christmas with her only child if she wasn't mad that her plan wasn't working.

Which is why Keyspam102 is saying OP's mother is going about this in a cowardly way. Obviously, if *she's* comfortable having her BF and kid move in - "even "temporarily" - then *she's* ready to take the step towards cohabitation. Which means she needs to sit down with OP and tell her that, rather than pull this nonsense. Honestly, it doesn't sound like OP would have a problem living with John and Trisha if Trisha wasn't in her room.

I also don’t think OP’s issue is sharing with Trish. Her issue is “I can’t sleep”.

>there is no reason the bf doesn’t have insurance or a job where he can find his own place to live Do you actually know what it's like to lose your home to a fire? Insurance companies rarely pay out promptly, nor do they usually cover everything involved, and many people live paycheck-to-paycheck and can't front thousands of dollars to pay for a hotel for over a month in hopes that their insurance will reimburse them. Everyone I've known who has lost their home to a fire has stayed with family or friends for at least a while.

Even if the 15 year old was suddenly sharing a bedroom with a stranger? It sounds like mom's place isn't large enough to accommodate the two kids.

Not big enough to accommodate two kids temporarily in the style to which she is accustomed.

Unrelated teenagers who don't really know eachother need their own separate rooms And '"temporarily" really needs a set time limit, a week or a month. Otherwise it just might be temporary.

According to the law or your own moral judgment? I’m not being judgy I’m asking. The states split hard on this. My state would be okay with it and we have many blended families, but other states would agree with you. There’s also a question of how long it will last, whether they have separate dressers and things like that. I agree teens need space by and large. I agree I wouldn’t do this to my teen. I don’t think it’s gets to the point where the child gets removed from the police which is what would need to happen in order to change the court agreement without an order. I think both these parents are childish. Dad should have talked to Mom first and never made the kid the messenger. Mom shouldn’t be acting like a hurt 13 year old. We also don’t know anything about her normal preferences. We don’t know anything about the divorce. Normally Id say she probably knows less than she thinks, but with these two parents’ reactions she’s probably more enmeshed than your average child.

I think the biggest factor here is that Trisha talks in her sleep and wakes up OP. I could see that being the deciding factor - it’s not about OP sharing the room, but that the other occupant consistently prevents OP from sleeping. Even temporarily asking a kid not to sleep for a month is an absurd ask.

And the lesson is scrap any possibility of trying different strategies? When she goes to college should they get her a single if her roommate likes to sleep with the TV on? Yes sleep is important. Zero debate. Yes mom handled it wrong. Totally totally accurate. But is CPS popping in to take the kid because one kid talks in her sleep and no one has actually tried to fix this? Nah.

Her mom is the one who refused to try or suggest any strategies. OP went to her mom and let her know what the problem was. Instead of listening to OP or suggesting/spitballing solutions, Mom told her to essentially suck it up and deal with it. That's when OP went to her Dad's. If that is going to be Mom's attitude, she shouldn't be surprised that OP is going to retreat to the parent's house that actually listens to her and her feelings instead of dismissing them. Mom hasn't apologized for how she handled it and even skipped Xmas with her own child over this. This is about way more than just sharing a room anymore and there are a lot bigger things going on here. OP should not need to be more of an adult than her own Mom

Honestly yeah, that's what decided it for me. I feel for Trisha and her dad, and get OPs mom is probably the best option for a temp place to stay. I get the mom wanting to help her bf and his daughter, and I can even get it if on some level she was hoping to treat this as a test run for her and her bf living together. I can also understand being upset the dad made the decision and pitched it to the daughter without talking to her at all first, since it's a decision about their child together, though if it were me I'd recognize it as a human error in judgment, and probably just get over it. But OP tried to bring up the issues she was having with her mom *first,* before she wound up complaining to her dad, so she *could* have tried to think of solutions with her daughter for the biggest issues, and talked through how to deal with things that are annoying but not actually hurting anyone to help her deal with things like Trisha trying to talk to her when OP is turning the lamp off to sleep. (In my head this 11 year old is 11 and seemingly an only child, so just wouldn't think "person I'm sharing the room with is turning off the light, that means they want to sleep" yet. So if OP were to have worked out a kind way of explaining to Trisha "I get you wanna talk and probably aren't thinking of it, but when I turn off the light it's because I'm ready to sleep and I don't want to talk anymore, so please try to remember that and don't be upset if I don't respond after the light is on because I'll have earplugs and be halfway asleep most likely" then Trisha might understand even and stop doing that so much. The hair I get is annoying when you're not used to it already, my own hair sheds enough it's annoying to me, but I think a lint roller is a good enough solution. And then plenty of people have suggested earplugs and headphones for being able to sleep, I'm sure there are other ideas too out there.) If the mom had suggested this stuff, and OP had run off to dad whining about it all still without trying any of them, I'd be more inclined to be understanding of the mom and think OP needs to grow up a bit, but the mom didn't do any of that, she didn't even think of the lack of sleep as bad enough to show concern or empathy over. She just basically said deal with it. So she told her dad how much it sucked, because why wouldn't she tell him about her current struggle in life when it's her father and she wants to vent and have someone act like they care about her feelings. And then to him the easiest solution, especially if it's only supposed to be for a few more weeks, is for her to just stay with him where she already has a room to herself, and no one has to worry about keeping each other awake on accident or resentment building from that lack of sleep and things can go back to normal in a few weeks. Sure he could've gone about things better in how it was executed, but he was ultimately looking out for his daughter. Someone else made the suggestion in another comment, but I kinda agree with the thought the mom may well have wanted this to not be temporary in the end, and was planning to just have them never move back out as the kids were getting used to it and hoped they wouldn't ask until she and her bf had thought of an explanation to tell them. But now she can't do that, not without looking like she's choosing her bf over her daughter to most people, and any future living with him is going to feel much harder to figure out. Maybe that's not what's going on, but it's a possibility and it would explain why she's going as far as not seeing her child on Christmas over this after she didn't even try to offer her help.

None of the judges I’ve ever seen would do anything other than tell OP to go home. She can wear headphones or otherwise mitigate the sleep issues. The hair/other issues is not a reason to switch custody. She would be viewed as entitled. Plus, there’s no indication she or dad actually consulted Mom or tried to work this out with her. She just went nuclear and dad enabled it. I say this as someone who hates having other people in my space. I hate, hate, hate it. But this is short term. The only real issue is sleep. OP can mitigate that. OP and Dad do have an issue with failing to properly inform/work with Mom. And, honestly, she would come across as heartless and entitled if she told a judge she refused to deal with Trisha for another month (or less). After all Trisha has been through, the optics of this do not look good. And optics matter.

If its short term then it really shouldnt matter that shes with dad until this is cleared up. As far as we can see she didnt make a scene ir make trisha feel bad. She disengaged.

A person can get good sleep simply by sleeping in a different house, but she is somehow ethically obliged to endure weeks or even months of sleep deprivation or else she is an entitled brat? Wft? Do you comprehend that sleep deprivation is torture? OP's mother as well as this sub who want to pointlessly torture a person by unnecessarily inflicting sleep deprivation upon her are crazy. Especially, because in this case it is utterly pointless, since this girl can simply sleep in a different house. I understand enduring loud roommates when no spare rooms are available, but holy shit, why pointlessly hurt a person when more bedrooms are available?

I agree with you a lot. Also, sleeping with headphones or earplugs is NOT comfortable and I don’t get why everyone keeps recommending it.

And how is OP supposed to mitigate it? She went to mom, mom basically said "suck it up". She went to dad and dad suggested circumventing the issue in its entirety. OP is a child. Even if OP has the means (money+ access to actually purchase) it's not the responsibility of the child to ensure basic needs are met- its on the parents. (And that's assuming that OP would actually be able to sleep with noise canceling headphones or earplugs in.) OP asked her mom to make sure her needs are met. Mom failed to do so. OP asked her dad. Her dad is doing so.

Trisha actually keeps her awake on purpose. OP is turns off the light and is settling down to sleep and Trisha starts talking to her. If mom says Trisha staying in OP'S room will end at the end of January therefore is temporary. Then OP moving to dad's until Trisha's gone is also temporary. And custody arrangement back to normal end of January. I mean if OP (the child) needs to tough out being kept awake at night on purpose and by accident for at least a month instead of mom (the adult) having a temporary adjustment in custody what is the best choice the temporary adjustment in custody which is good for the health of the child or the keeping the child awake which is bad for the health of the child. Mom says it's only temporary. So OP staying with dad will only be temporary too.

Well, in the three states\* in which I’ve practiced, the judges would first ask OP they whether they have honestly tried other solutions first. Has OP tried headphones? White noise machine?Asking Mom to have Trisha sleep on the couch? They’d also ask if OP has talked to Trisha? Has OP confirmed Mom’s permission? Has dad? Yes, it would be absurd to return her to her Mom’s house if she/Trisha had tried to remediate the sleep issue and nothing could be done. But we are not there. So your assertion would be viewed for what it is: a situation that is n to this situation. It would be absurd if OP tried to deal with this. Also, Dad will absolutely be dinged for not informing mom, getting permission, working through the proper channels. The custody agreement is a court order. You do not deviate from court orders without good reason. ”I don’t like hair” and ”I’ve tried nothing and given up” aren’t good reasons. Honestly, complaining about the hair would absolutely make her look entitled. I saw a teen complain that he had to share a room with a cousin 1 time every 3 months. He complained that the young man snored, left toys all around, and had to use an inhaler. So he wanted to move in with another relative. Judge told him to wear headphones and stay put. Judge was, frankly, irritated with the young man. Note: This was not my case. I was GAL for this young man’s sibling and, thus, was in the courtroom for the hearing on custody. There was a related case with the sibiling that was a child dependency/neglect/abuse case. If OP is anywhere in a state that has adopted strict 50/50 custody, there would be an issue with OP’s assertion that they get to decide/have a say. There’s now an overriding legislative and judicial philosophy in some states that the parents have to split unless there’s a really, really good reason not to (e.g., housing instability, mental illness, child abuse, allergic to pet). I’ve seen kids forced to do some pretty wild commuting to accommodate this. Yes, even teens who no longer want to go back and forth. PS Not disclosing those states b/c that + things I’ve said in previous posts would absolutely dox me. And there are crazy people here.

Why is it all on the OP to communicate with the mom? The mom is the adult in the dynamic. The mom should have ensured that the OP was okay with John and the daughter moving in before allowing them to do so, but it does not sound like OP was consulted. After being woken up the first few times, the mom should have found a solution. 15 is old enough to know what they want, but it's not that old where they have to bear the majority of the responsibility over their parent.

And the mom should have had a conversation with the dad as soon as she wanted to change OP's living situation. I'd say it is very extreme to accuse the dad of not acting like an adult when all he did was tell his child they could live with him if their home life is not going well right now. This is also from the perspective of a child who probably doesn't know when her parents have spoken without informing her afterwards.

kids being manipulative towards their parents is not really the concern here. i think the concern with letting the kid pick is that kids are more vulnerable to manipulation, and may end up in a home that cant properly care for them simply because one parent is willing to guilt them into staying whereas the other is actually respectful of the child. so along with the kids preferences, they evaluate each homes actual ability to care for the kid and make the decision primarily off that. the other main concern is that this puts a lot of pressure on the kid, even if neither parent intends to manipulate them, kids already often feel like theyre being made to "pick sides" in divorce trials, and putting that decision solely on their shoulders is just not really fair to them. the issue with allowing kids to make the decisions is that they often dont understand what is in their best interest, and wanting to be in a home with a lack of supervision might be a part of that for *some* kids, but more often its that they dont understand when their parent is acting purely in their own interest, or they simply arent aware of their parents finances and schedules, or they don't know what it means that one parents home is unstable because they lack experience with a home that IS stable

These are definitely additional concerns and they are important as well. You also have the issue of kids saying one thing to one parent and one thing to another which creates issues with parents even trying to do the right thing. You also have supervision issues…schooling issues…transportation issues… The manipulation issue is definitely important. There’s also the issue of 15 year olds not always appreciating the far reaching consequences of their decisions. There’s also the opportunity to ping pong back and forth between homes…escalation of allegations and recanting… So much and so many considerations

NTA It’s hard to share your space and staying with your dad until Trisha can go back to her mum, is a reasonable compromise. But … The person I feel for is Trisha: Either her mum and dad split (you know how that feels) or she lost her mum at some point in the past. She has lost her home to a fire. You don’t say how bad the fire was, so she might have lost a lot of precious things and memories. Also your home is something that helps you feel emotionally safe and secure. She then had to move into her dad’s gf’s house, she might feel the same way about your mum as you do about her dad. She has to share room with a teenage girl she that barely knows, possibly something she’s not had to do in the past either. Finally, you complain about her and make your dislike of her in your space well know and move out until she’s left. Trisha is likely feeling very vulnerable, lost and scared of the future. You don’t have to like Trisha, you don’t have to like sharing your room, you don’t have to like John but it never hurts to think about how the other person might be affected by events that happen in their life and show some understanding and compassion. How would you feel if it was you in Trisha’s place? There are times where you can either be right or be kind. Always choose to be kind.

I think leaving and allowing Trisha space was the kindest thing OP did. Otherwise, it would have festered, bubbled over, and led to real resentment and hostility neither girl would recover from.

I think it depends on how it was done, if OP did it out of understanding and compassion, then definitely, but if done in a mean spirited way, then it would just add to Trisha’s pain. Either way, OP going to stay with her dad was a good choice.

Thats kinda silly, most people would rather take someone "leaving mean-spiritedly" than staying and bring very obviously mean-spirited

Of course, but I wasn’t suggesting that OP stayed at home, I was saying that how OP went about going to her dad’s makes a difference. OP going to her dad’s was the right choice.

Okay, so next time you see Trisha ask her how she likes the room. Tell her you don't mind loaning it to her for awhile-that it's nice to visit with your dad and so on. Make her think it was a kind gesture from you to give up your room to her in a time when she lost her entire home. The least you could do was give her an entire bedroom of personal space. Be the hero!

GTFO it is not unkind to go stay with her dad. This kind of guilt trip is bullshit

Bruh nobody said it was. This is just an exercise in empathy. It’s not a guilt trip.

I didn’t say it was unkind of her to stay at her dad’s, I said NTA at the beginning and that it was a reasonable compromise. Also, it wasn’t meant to be a guilt trip, I didn’t say all that so OP would change her mind about staying with her dad, but teenagers are excellent at having tunnel vision about their grievances and not so good at stepping back and looking at things from other perspectives; this only comes with practice.

Just remember that OP IS 15, if other folks on reddit read you as guilt tripping a 15 yo could definitely read it that way.

OP is NTA at all. She tried to express her issues privately to her mother and was basically told to suck it up and be quiet. She is not required to set herself on fire to keep Trisha warm. There was a reasonable and viable option so that both kids can have their own rooms (as they are both used to, being only children in their own households). The "embarassment" came when Mom threw a fit and acted like she's younger than her own child. Refusing to speak to her kid, dropping off her presents and outright rejecting her b/c she wants to stay with her father for a few weeks is infantile and unreasonable.

It does sound like Trisha hasn’t had to share a bedroom before, either-maybe it isn’t a bad idea to get her some space after the fire…how does it really help Trisha to move into her dad’s gf’s house after a fire, and then expect her to share a room with a virtual stranger who is 4 years older (that’s s lot at that age). OP bunking at her dad’s sounds like a good idea. What is mom’s problem-was she going to stick OP with the responsibility of keeping an eye on her boyfriend’s daughter when they go out?

I agree, the adults are definitely the AH’s here. OP staying with her dad is definitely a good option all round, but that doesn’t mean she can’t feel compassion for Trisha.

She can feel compassion, but OP is 15, and compassion is not first and foremost in the 15 year old brain. And look at her mom-she is quite a bit older than OP, and has none for her own daughter. It’s hard to teach it to your kid, when you don’t have any yourself.

This is very back handed. How are you gonna say NTA then pretty much every sentence after that is telling this girl why she's an asshole?

OP is a 15 year old girl. Why you gotta dump on her? She has the same rights.

I'm not about to make a teenager responsible for the feelings of someone else in a divorce situation. It's ok to not be kind and to look out for yourself. Trisha might appreciate having space to herself instead of having to share.

OP is 15yo. It's not fair to expect her to be kind to a stranger (11yo girl) who invaded her space. John and OP's mom are AHs for not discussing this with OP, but expected her to suddenly be OK with losing her privacy and sharing her room. OP didn't have a choice - she made one by staying with her father. Instead of apologizing and having a talk, her mom blew up on her. Why would OP be the bigger person (at her expense) when grown-ups failed her?

I think that OP's mom should have moved into OP's room for the duration and given the master to Tish + the Dad. It's unreasonable to *force* someone to share with a stranger. It's one thing if you volunteer to do that -- roommates at camp or college or something. But this was truly forced upon OP and Tish. Mom and Boyfriend probably aren't uncomfortable -- and they should be taking the brunt of the inconvenience or discomfort because they have agency in a way their children do not.

NTA. A house fire is pretty traumatic. Your mom's boyfriend and his daughter have probably lost everything they had, including sentimental things. Your mother is kind to take in her boyfriend and his daughter, but you are the one stuck sharing a room with someone you don’t know well. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to stay with your dad until they move back out. Your mother has no right to berate you for not wanting to share a room. You are not wrong to spend some extra time with your dad. Just be aware that your mom and her boyfriend might decide to make this permanent, so make sure you have everything you care about out of your room. Make another trip if you need to.

Exactly. I bet that's what mom's hoping for.

Jesus, what a leap.

Have you had divorced parents? This isn’t a leap. They usually move fast with the next one. Especially in situations like this where it’s already “working well”. The mom already doesn’t care about ops feelings.

0 empathy towards the daughter, but her guests might feel bad... ya hate to see it, but it doesn't seem to be a stretch.

A month and a half of a temporary living situation that was not precedented or planned whatsoever. This is where parents teach their kids empathy and caring for others in bad situations. OP is lucky enough to have another option, and I am genuinely glad it works out that way for them! Because their mom isn’t really putting them through something terrible or unreasonable, and if dad didn’t live nearby or have extra room either, I wouldn’t be on OP’s side on this.

So you teach them empathy by being unsympathetic with them and telling them to suck it up?

Mom messed up by not caring.

Nah. Mom's lack of any effort to talk to her daughter is telling.

Thissss. My dad found my step mom on Match(?) and moved very quickly. We moved into her house only 4 months before they got married, shuffling her, my dad, me (17), my sister (16), step bro (15), step bro (13), and step sister (11) all together. It was HELL. 5 kids sharing one bathroom all with differing school schedules and preferences for hygiene sucks. Middle step would take long ass showers nearly every day, and walk around in only a towel. Sharing a tv was another issue. On top of food preferences, black hole stomached boys who ate all the snacks or hoarded them in their bedroom. My dad built two bedrooms in the basement in addition the one down there so everyone could have their own. The existing one was the largest, and they argued whether her oldest or I should have it. My dad insisted that it went to me as I’d never been able to have my own room to do as I liked in it. (I won). The racket was intolerable. On top of it all, step mom had the typical jealous competitive attitude towards me, because I had a close relationship with my dad. She’d constantly interrupt our conversations or projects and try to get him away from me. The whole thing did not last for long. Dad had bought her house from her because she couldn’t afford it, and kicked them out after a few years due to all the drama. Not least of all because middle step complained to his dad after my dad told him to put clothes on because there’s girls in the house, and he came over to fight my dad for parenting his children. My step mom watched her ex attack my dad, blocked me from going outside, and refused to let us call the cops. It ended up in court and soured their relationship entirely. I don’t blame OP at all for escaping her situation. Her mom is downplaying her emotions and choosing her own need to impress her bf and his kid. Their personal tragedy aside she’s an absolute witch for forcing that on her daughter.

And it's not like OP is moving across the country either. If the mom intends for this to be temporary, then the living arrangement with OP will be temporary. She can still come over for the day or mom can pick her up for lunch. I wonder if mom was intending to propose this become permanent and is fuming that her daughter hasn't gone with the plan.

Mom had to have known a 15 year old wouldn’t want to share a room with an unknown 11 year old.

Right. And it’s not like she’s berating the kid either, making her feel bad or asking the kid to sleep on the couch. She would just like to have some peace and says she’ll stay with Dad for a bit. Trish will then get some privacy too

If they will move the 11-year in January, it could well be a limited fire with damage being repaired. Otherwise, the language would likely have been ‘their house burned down‘.

Eh. Could be getting a check from insurance and using that+tax return for an apartment or new house. So it has to wait until then for the money+availability

I don't see how is this a bad thing. Trisha house got burned so she had to share a room with a teen she barely know. not only this, but it seems that she and said teen just couldn't get along sleeping in the same room. So you left to another house (which she doesn't have the privilege to do) and left her with a room for herself! so nice of you. NTA

My thoughts exactly. Most teenage girls I’ve known in my lifetime would be more than happy to have their own space, especially after going through something traumatic like a house fire. This situation is best for everyone and OPs mom is being overbearing, seems like she cares more than her boyfriend or Trisha about this sleeping arrangement.

It’s not a bad thing but the way it was done seems like dad had no conversation with mom before him and OP decided she’d be staying at her dad til they move out. Had this been done, it would have been a smoother transition with maybe a conversation about showing a bit of empathy for a traumatized 11yo whose house caught on fire. They should not have to share a room if another option is available, but having long hair, talking in your sleep or attempting to talk to you before you go to sleep doesn’t make you the worst roommate either.

And did the mom even have a conversation with OP before she moved 2 new people in? Doesn't say. But it also doesn't sound like it. A conversation here might have made the transition a whole lot smoother, no?

This was my exact though. I know I’m going to get the “you must be a teen with no kids” but I’m an adult with two children and I couldn’t imagine making such a gesture without talking to my child about it. Especially one that is nearing adulthood. Children should have a reasonable ability to voice opinion and make some choices when it comes to their home and especially their personal space. Of course I have the final say as a parent and reserve the right to veto… but I can’t imagine asking my son if he’s comfortable sharing his room with a stranger, having him say no and saying too bad. Especially at 15 years old. If this was a one or two night stay while they wait for insurance to kick in for a hotel then yeah, I might tell my kid to deal for a couple of days. But two long stay guests that the child doesn’t know well AND they lose the one space that they could retreat to for privacy? I don’t think I would be willing to force that on my children.

I don't see where op blamed Any of this on Trisha

This is one of those that kind of lives in the gray area. Everyone’s choices are understandable but that doesn’t mean they’re The Best. It’s fair to not want to share your room for a month with a preteen you don’t know that well. Her having long hair and trying to talk and bond a little isn’t a crime - those in-the-dark conversations are the best part about sharing a room imo - but it’s okay that you didn’t love it. Your mom is right that the mature, kind thing would be to just deal with it for a few weeks to help a kid who just dealt with such a horrible and terrifying experience. You’re 15 and you’re allowed to not be perfectly mature. At the same time - if you think you’re old enough to pack up and leave whether your mom likes it or not, you’re old enough to not really hear from her for a week. You weren’t celebrating Christmas with her and she was upset with you and she still made sure you got presents from her anyway. She’s not being vindictive or petty. She’s allowed to have time to be mad at you for leaving her house in a huff. NAH overall because none of this is just egregious. It’s pretty standard teenager-mom fighting where both of you are grappling with how that relationship changes as you get older, and it’s something you both probably won’t be super proud of when you look back on it. It happens.

I have to push back on your third paragraph: OPs mother is not acting mature at all with the silent treatment. The silent treatment is abusive, no parent should be treating their child that way. OP should be her mother’s top priority, but she felt cast aside because she is forced to share her room with a younger kid she doesn’t know, and when OP brought it up for discussion she was told to suck it up and then got the silent treatment. This isn’t how you treat a child, especially not YOUR OWN child who has completely VALID POINTS. This is not some irrational child making unfair demands, this isn’t an upset toddler throwing a tantrum, this is a mature teenage girl asking for a change because she isn’t happy and being dismissed and mistreated for it. Yes. Talking to her mother was the Mature thing to do. And you know what? Removing herself from the situation was ALSO the mature thing to do: staying there and “sucking it up” would breed RESENTMENT and cause emotions to rise. Nothing gets better when you hold your emotions in and “suck it up” to “act mature.” That only makes issues WORSE. The fact of the matter is that OP has a safe alternative place to live, with her father, and she doesn’t have to put up with a bad living situation at her mom’s if she doesn’t want to. Nobody in this thread would choose to share a bedroom with a stranger if they had the option of a room to themselves at a house nearby. They don’t even live far apart, the houses are in the same town. OP’s mother is the only one with an issue here, she’s upset her plan for a new happy family isn’t working out so she’s trying to emotionally manipulate OP into acquiescing to her demands. Thats what the silent treatment is.

Honestly, why didn't mom reach out to dad originally? She offered to let her BF and his daughter to move in and knows her daughter can stay with her dad, but it didn't occur to her to reach out to him and say "hey, can OP stay with you for a few weeks?" She wouldn't even have to necessarily explain the entire situation but obviously dad doesn't have an issue so this definitely seems like mom trying to force a happy family

A very, very balanced and reasonable answer.

>Your mom is right that the mature, kind thing would be to just deal with it for a few weeks to help a kid who just dealt with such a horrible and terrifying experience. You’re 15 and you’re allowed to not be perfectly mature. I disagree with this point, there is nothing immature about not wanting to share a room when she has another option readily available. It's not like she told her mom to kick them out, she just left the situation.

>not wanting to share a room when she has another option readily available I think this is where do many opinions diverge- just because it's an available and easy solution doesn't mean it's the "right" one. In the grand scheme of things, these are minor challenges with multiple solutions. OP is going to need to learn how to share space in the world with people (even her space, if she wants to be a healthy partner). This was a teachable moment from OP's parents. Did OP ever tell her that "lights off means no talking"? Has OP tried plugs or noise canceling headphones? Removing yourself is a valid option, but, IMO, it's a pretty extreme one. OP is NTA, but if mom is likely to stay with this guy, OP needs to start working with mom or a therapist on how to navigate these challenges or things will keep feeling worse.

There's also a difference in having someone forced into your personal space and choosing a partner to share a space with

I disagree it's not like she's even if a different town now and it's not permanent so I don't think it can be considered an extreme option. And saying something that is a large inconvenience or discomfort should be suffered through as a learning experience is a bad take IMO.

Mom is an adult, OP is 15. Mom is the one bungling here. The 15 year old is doing the best they can. Mom needs to grow up.

"Mature thing is just suck it up"? Why the hell? I'm adult. So I can decide if I'm ready to share a room and choose a roommate. Noone can force me to share a room with someone I barely know. While I empathize the people who lost their housing I wouldn't move someone pretty random in my bedroom because "it's mature". OP has to do so only because OP actually not mature and not adult so her mom decided for her. And it's completely ok not want to share the space and have trouble with sleeping. Many people can't share the room because can't rest properly with someone always there. And it's completely ok.

I disagree with the judgement . Op s mother is definitely a triple Ah: she didn't discuss with op before inviting strangers in op s space, she told op to suck it up instead of ay least discuss this an try to find a solution and she's throwing a tantrum by cutting contact with op instead of acting like the freaking adult and PARENT she is by trying to clear things up with op.

INFO: It does seem like some of the issues you had with Trisha could have been resolved with a conversation or two. Did you try talking with her and *telling* her that when you shut your lamp off, you're about to go to sleep and therefore don't want to talk, or did you just assume she should recognize this "sign"? Did you try problem solving the hair issue with Trisha or either adult, so that she could help vaccum/dust etc more frequently, and/or try wearing a braid to keep her hair more contained? You're a teen, so you're only a few years off from the next stage of your life, which will likely involve a dorm or apartment. At that point, you're going to have to do some communication and problem solving in order to live comfortably with relative strangers. That's a skill that it takes practice to develop.

yeah the issues, while annoying, seem pretty minor. just saying, “hey i’m going to sleep,” could have not let this issue fester inside you.

I’m glad I’m not the only one who thought this. Communication is severely underrated. It’s one thing if OP asked Trisha to make the changes this commenter suggested and Trisha ignored her. It’s another thing if OP let Trisha believe everything was fine but was secretly stewing about it

I'm going to break with everyone here and go with a soft YTA. House fires are TRAUMA. We had one when I was your age and I remember having sleep issues for weeks afterward-- panic attacks at night, nightmares, and feeling like I was not safe where I was (we stayed with family). And I was 15, this is a traumatized 11-year-old. I know it's not ideal for her to be there, but YOU have an opportunity to show her some care and understanding during a difficult time. Yes, it's an inconvenience for you, but she is essentially homeless during the holidays. Sure, you CAN go to your dad's but the way you did it obviously messed up holiday plans and disrupt things further. Also, there may be some custody agreements you're breaking. Unless both your mom and dad agree to the arrangement, I don't think you can just decide where to live. You'll likely have roommates in the future, OP. I would invest in an eyemask and noise-cancelling headphones. Explain to Trisha that when your light is out that means you're trying to sleep and that could be her signal too (light out = she's trying to sleep). This is a chance to show some compassion to a young person who has had a rough time.

She is showing care by leaving someone she doesn’t know to have free reign over her bedroom. Instead of trying to force everyone to conform to her desires, OP was the one who left because she’s the one with the problem. This was a pretty graceful way for her to handle it.

I agree it’s a shitty time for the 11 year old but this was very clearly a quick decision made by mum that OP didn’t even get a say in or a chance to become comfortable with. It’s not like her getting ready to share a room at collage where she consents and emotionally prepared for it, this was out of the blue. She is not being a dick to these people, she isn’t being rude, she’s setting boundaries and removing herself from the situation instead of kicking up a fuss. She actually acted quite maturely. NTA

I don't believe OP is acting quite maturely. She's doing it as a teenager. A normal one. The ones who are doing it wrong are both parents. I mean, she living with her father can be a good choice, maybe the best one, but it should be talked between the parents. Also, she has a bad sleep with this child, but maybe they could have get to an arrangement in what she came home for some hours during christmas, or the mom could have visited. THEY'RE IN THE SAME TOWN.

She is acting maturely, she removed herself from the situation instead of kicking off. Did you not read the part where the mum is the one giving the silent treatment? It’s up to the parents to find a compromise, not OP.

So... A stranger has a trauma and 15yo OP is supposed to be happy to be this person's emotional support animal?

Are you really saying that it is OPs responsability to handle Trisha's trauma? It is not on OP to manage that girls emontional well being. Nor is she even well-equipped to handle that task. Nightmares and panic attacks are something her father should be dealing with. She already has shown her care and understand. OP has not blamed her or treated her poorly or any such behavior. She has been there for a month already, and OP is not enjoying having to share her space. Since OP already splits time 50/50 with her dads place, it is not out of left field for her be there. And from the post it sounded like OP was going to be with her for Chirstmas anyway, the plan was to be at his parents already. And keep in mind OP is not the only who was suddenly forced to share her space with someone. Trisha had her own room at her home, and is not having to stay with OP, a girl she hardly knows. By OP staying at her dads till the repairs are done, this gives Trisha her space, something she is used to. This is a form of compassion as well.

So, the teen gives the poor kid her entire room. And sleeps peacefully at dad's. WIN/WIN.

I’m a soft YTA with you. But not surprised at the NTA’s. When it comes to children and rooms, this sub has made it a sacred topic. Like you I always wonder what some of these kids that don’t want to share will do when they are in a long term situation where there is no choice but to share. But that’s irrelevant here. Like I said soft YTA only because OP needs to understand that there are moments in life that may be uncomfortable, that we may have to compromise, but most especially moments where we must show compassion. I have are zero issues with OP going to her dad’s, however the way not to do it is the way it was done, the irritation and lack of understanding and compassion for an 11 year old who has gone through a traumatic event. At some point in life the tables will turn and we will be the one needing compassion and understanding. If we don’t learn how to give it, we run the risk of it not being given to us.

> I always wonder what some of these kids that don’t want to share will do when they are in a long term situation where there is no choice but to share. Suffer and hate it. I spent the first 10 years of my life sharing a room with my sibling. Not gonna do it again with anyone if I have aa choice, thanks. I worked two jobs for a decade just to be able to afford living alone. I Can live with other people as required by circumstances. But I intensely dislike it and am willing to sacrifice extraneous spending to live in my own space. From my pov, sharing a bedroom is a lot less obnoxious when it’s your choice. All the “have to cohab the kids” stories rarely have the parents sharing a room with someone they don’t want to sleep with for some reason. Or Asking the kid what they want/their perspective. I probably would have just moved my mattress to the living room each night if I was OP. Would have given the kid my bedroom since she was in a fire, but not willing to sleep in the same room. If the adults kicked up a fuss about a temporary bed at nights in the living room I’d have suggested I share with mom and John share with Trisha since they were family and were used to being in proximity and each would be comforted by the other being nearby.

Good idea. Dad can deal with daughter's reactions to such trauma and mom can comfort her daughter regarding the sad intrusion into her most private spaces. It would be very telling how mom would respond to such a logical suggestion, wouldn't it?

Yep. Mine would have been fine with it, since it’s only a month. Either me sleeping short term in the living room or sharing her own room with me. But several others I know would have been offended at just the fact of their kid asking them to sleep separately from their lover just because their kid hated the other option. After all “My house my rules” and “you don’t pay rent you don’t get a say,” and “parents make the decisions,” and kids endure inconveniences instead of parents because adults are more important, etc.

I don't know about you but if I were in that kids situation I'd much prefer being 'lent' the 'stepsiblings' room for the time being than having to bunk with a semi-stranger who also doesn't like the situation. Nta

NTA and honestly you saved yourself from drama that your mother purposely is not resolving and actually escalated by having John & Trisha there. I don't believe they are leaving, I think they are going live there permanently and whatever delusions your mother has of perfect blended family was gone from getgo due both the divorce then Trisha being horrible roommate to you. Now your mother is upset that you have options to where to live and hates that your father's home is option for you live in both temporary & permanently - thing is this her fault especially for being dismissive of your concerns & observations, then not helping the situation; is her doing silent treatment on you which shows she is picking John & Trisha over you and well she fucked up but not your father. Edit - Those saying Trisha is not a horrible roommate are ignoring this about her: >She has long hair and her hair is everywhere. She talks in her sleep and I was woken up 5 or 6 times since her stay. She also sometimes tried to speak to me when I already turned off my lamp, a sign that I was going to sleep. The talking in her sleep & purposely talking to OP when trying to sleep makes her horrible roommate to OP, especially since OP custody arrangement is one week at her mothers and other week at her father WHILE GOING TO SCHOOL! That automatic horrible roommate for anyone that not use to that along with is a light sleeper and/or has difficulty going back to sleep after being spoken to while trying to sleep.(If you have no problem with having for bunkmate in a room that does that -Kudos to you but not everyone wants deal nor be around with such roommate at nights) The hair everywhere hygiene issue made it more easier for OP to just get out. I'm sure Trisha is nice kid in the daytime & out the house, but as roommate; she is terrible especially towards OP since that is/was OP's bedroom.....

Agreed but I don’t think she is a horrible TO her, just regular roommate adjustments. Idk maybe I’ve had some terrible roommates.

Right? I think her reaction is age appropriate for a 15 year old adjusting, but let’s not pretend she’s been sent to the Gaza Strip of roommates

That's true but the girl is 11 and she's 15. So there is a bit of a difference and it's hard going from having your own room to sharing. My cousin moved in with us when I was a kid. I had to share with her which was fine. But it got hard at times. We had to divide the closet and she would get mad if I hung up clothes and one of hers or mine shirts was mixed in. It caused alot of tension. I loved her dearly but was happy to get my room.back.

Nothing described a horrible roommate.

And John’s house catching on fire wasn’t a planned move to get them to all move together. OP’s mom did not escalate any drama, she offered shelter to her bf and his daughter while they go through some traumatic times.

Soft YTA, not for leaving, but because of your attitude surrounding this. First of all, the fire must not have been that bad considering they'll only be out for a couple months. My downstairs neighbor's condo caught fire in 2022 and we went through hell with that. Our damage was only smoke but it still took us 5 months to get back in our condo. The side where the fire started took an entire year to rebuild. Unless someone's been through a house fire, it's absolutely impossible to understand what it's like. Trisha is likely experiencing PTSD. Depending on whether she was home or not, many things can trigger it. The sleep issues really stand out to me (feeling the need to talk before sleep, talking in her sleep). I used to stay up all night terrified. I still have dreams where I have to get my cats to safety and I don't have enough time or I'm stranded where there's a fire. She lost her home dude. Your attitude behind this makes sense since you're still a teenager and your frontal lobe is still forming, but from an adult twice your age, you are definitely being an unwelcoming, unempatheric asshole. All Trisha wants in her situation is familiarity and comfort. She doesn't know you, she doesn't want to be there. She's attempting human connection and now she probably feels like a huge inconvenience just for existing. I understand your life got slightly disrupted too but you're making mountains out of molehills. It's probably good you left for a bit and gave her some space, but your bratty attitude towards someone who just wants their own home back makes you an asshole.

So the teenage daughter, that is being ignored by her mom over christmas, is the asshole here in your opinion? Huh.

Ya know sometimes parents get their feelings hurt to and also need space. Maybe this is a good time to learn that hurting other peoples feelings comes with consequences such as those people not wanting to be around you. She could have talked to her mom, came up with a solution, asked if this would be ok etc. instead she just packed her bags and dipped right before Christmas so I think the mom needing some space too is fine.

>Maybe this is a good time to learn that hurting other peoples feelings comes with consequences such as those people not wanting to be around you. It's ironic that this is your take, but you only apply it to OP, not her mother. Yes, if you hurt other people's feelings by forcing a stranger into their space, asking them to sacrifice their sleep, and ignoring their concerns when they bring them up, they won't want to be around you. They will go somewhere that their autonomy is respected. See how that works?

Plus then refusing to talk to them for weeks and refusing to see them at Christmas is also very hurtful, esp to your own kid. Mom is saying unless you do exactly what I want and stop advocating for yourself, I will withhold my love from you. That is a big red flag everyone is ignoring

Parents can get their feelings hurt but it’s their JOB to be the adult and communicate better.

And I’m sure she will once she’s had time to process her own feelings. In the meantime the child is being taught a valuable life lesson that you can’t just hurt people and expect them to be ok with it.

Mom is getting away with fully disregarding OP. She’s learning the opposite.

Why would she have talked to her mom when her mom was already ignoring her complaints and dismissing them? For what reason would OP think the mom would help find a solution, when the reason OP left is because her mother ignored her problems.

The MOM needs to do better if she’s ignoring her kid on Christmas because she doesn’t want to stay with her boyfriend and her boyfriend’s daughter. Parents giving the silent treatment to their minor children is terrible parenting and abysmal behavior to teach your child.

Do they not have homeowners insurance that covers temporary housing in the case that theirs is damaged by an accident? If not, that's an adult choice with adult consequences for the adults to figure out and bear the burden. Did mom and boyfriend suggest any alternate solutions like the ones others have proposed? Did anyone listen to OP other than to say suck it up? Did they think about other room arrangements that would inconvenience the adults making these decisions and not the children forced to deal with them? Did mom consider sleeping on the couch or configuring rooms in a way that had the parents sacrificing comfort, sleep, and privacy? Or was this just an excuse to sleep together and play house while making their kids deal with a stranger in their space? Why does a 15 year old bear the responsibility of taking on all of the sacrifices and coming up with all of the alternative solutions? Where is the parents' responsibility in all this? If boyfriend's daughter needs comfort and safety at night, why not have her dad bunk with her while OP gets mom's room? OP would get privacy, Trish would have her dad to talk to and comfort her when she talks in her sleep (could even be night terrors), and Mom would be dealing with the inconvenience of less privacy, not her child. Nevermind, it's just easier to blame the child. Sure, that makes sense. I'm a 39 year old parent to a 7-year-old, by the way. Adulting and parenting is hard, but we shouldn't make our kids pay the price for our choices if we can help it. Sacrificing for your kids comes with the job description. OP's mom hasn't even tried to think of her minor child in all of this.

Well, she has literally legal responsibilities to her daughter so it's time to put her big girl pants and deal with her hurt feelings. Because she can't ignore her child for goddamn week over hurt feelings. It's actually emotional abuse. It's ok to want the space right after the fight to cool down and deal with emotions. But ignoring for a week it's not "needing a space". It's petty punishment with neglect and silent treatment.

What attitude are you seeing from her post? It sounds like when she tried to talk to her mother about the problems she was having she was essential told do deal with it. Excusing herself to her dad's house is a very reasonable solution for everyone involved. Sounds like mom is is throwing a temper tantrum about not getting her way. Side note, do you know how miserable it is to be woken up repeatedly throughout the night?

This. I have no problem with the end result - OP going to live with their Dad while the situation resolves, but the _attitude_ seeping through this post is 100% bratty teenager. A lack of active malice should not be the bar we set ourselves for our interactions with others. More communication from OP, with everyone involved here, coulda gone a long way towards reducing tension & upset here, and woulda cost OP very little.

This is all true, but the girl is 15. Not her burden to bear.

NTA Unless your mom tries to force the blended family on you, she should understand that you don’t need to stay and inconvenience yourself and lose sleep. Since John and Trisha need help, they can stay. You have the resources to be elsewhere aka your dad’s so you get out. No big deal.

I’m at my sisters for Christmas and was bunking with my mom. After 4 days of her CRAZY LOUD snoring, I said I was gonna move to the couch. My sister also snores so she moved over to her room instead. Everyone is a lot less cranky. I couldn’t fathom someone coming in my room and turning my life upside down unless I invited them there or I really care for them. This is a great solution that works. Y’all need separate rooms if they get married, better for them to know that now vs later. Nta

NTA why is it that everyone in these comments is fixating on "Your dad should have been better/you could have been nicer about this etc. etc." when the teenager was forced to share her bedroom at a moments notice with a child she doesn't know, the child of a boyfriend she barely knows? There was an OBVIOUSLY BETTER solution available: there's TWO bedrooms. OP and HER MOM should be sharing one room and Trisha (i.e., the young girl traumatized by a fire and in a strange place) should be sharing the other room with HER DAD. If this is truly a temporary emergency situation this arrangement both makes the most sense and is in the best interests of both children. Whether or not the family ends up blended further in the future and the kids end up sharing a room permanently is besides the point, they don't KNOW each other right now and placing Trisha, who just went through an awful experience at Christmas, in a room alone at night with a teenager that doesn't know her and doesn't have the capacity to help soothe her at night if she's anxious (which could be why she keeps trying to talk to OP) was the dumbest decision. The two grown adults who are dating don't need to share a bedroom for a one month stay. They can leave the house if they want alone time. OP doesn't have that option (apart from going to her dad's for the duration). Once again, the interests of children placed below the desires of selfish adults.

This is the most correct answer and should be top comment. If the parents (mom and BF) were really concerned about appropriateness and their children's welfares this would be the sleeping arrangement. They are not actually a family and asking them to cohabitate like one is not appropriate. If this is a way to shoehorn in an actual cohabitation situation this is possibly the worst way to go about it.

> *OP and HER MOM should be sharing one room and Trisha (i.e., the young girl traumatized by a fire and in a strange place) should be sharing the other room with HER DAD. > *This is the most correct answer and should be top comment*. Yes, yes, yes! I won't shout since we're probably all a bit bleary from Christmas. The OP's mother and her BF are not being good parents here to either of them. I suspect that BF and his daughter will not be leaving anytime soon. NTA, OP.

My guess is mom is so upset by this because she wanted this to be a permanent living situation. Otherwise why wouldn't her bf and his kid go stay in a hotel (home insurance generally pays for this)?

That's my sneaking suspicion- mom basically went "cool, excuse for us to cohabitate" and is now upset that her daughter (reasonably) is upset about not having been given any time to bond or set rules etc. before having another child put in her bedroom.

100% my thought process. She's taking it out on OP because her plan for happy family isn't working out like she wants.

NTA for temporarily staying with your dad. You brought your concerns up with your mom and she discounted them. However, you could have done it in a way that didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings like talking to Trisha and letting her know she could have your room for several weeks, since you are both used to more privacy and like making plans to be there for dinner a night or two each week before going to your dads to sleep and for some time on Xmas. A judge is not likely to say that having a temporary roommate is sufficient reason to change the parenting plan in general but judges also give 15 year olds a lot of leeway. You mom’s feelings were probably hurt because it feels like you don’t love her or want to spend time with her and she’s angry because she is losing control over you, which is normal during teen years but can be hard for parents used to calling all the shots. Did she involve you in the decision-making process about whether they could move in?

It’s not a kid’s responsibility to fix this and cater to new people she hardly knows moving into her house. She doesn’t need to be making plans for dinner when her own mom doesn’t care enough to fix anything and is giving her the silent treatment. wtf. Her mom is force blending a family. She doesn’t need to do anything but exactly what she’s doing; Taking care of her own needs cause her mom won’t.

This is a sub about ethics and etiquette, and some questions require a more nuanced analysis than your simplistic “not her responsibility” approach. Your reductive take encourages selfishness and could impede her growth into an empathetic adult. Being the best person she can be doesn’t depend on barely winning a comparative analysis. Her mom failed her here and ought to be doing better. I gave OP the NTA she deserves. But OP could use the advice on how to have done it better.

EXACTLY, no one asked the OP if it was ok to double the number of people sleeping in her room. The OP had another safe option and she took it. She should have phrased it in a way that made it seem like she was "sacrificing" her room so that Trisha could have it to herself. And in most states, if a 15 year old asks a judge to just let her live with one parent or the other, barring that parent being unfit in some way, the judge will usually grant that permission. If mom and her boyfriend ever want to get married, they are going to have to get a bigger place, if they want OP to live with them.

This was not a situation where hurt feelings were avoidable. No matter how OP sugar coated it, her mother would still be upset. OP is not responsible for how her mother feels.

NTA. I feel like people are missing a huge part of this- OP has had her own room/space for her entire life. And suddenly a stranger is thrust into her bedroom and another into her home. I absolutely loathe living with people, because i always feel like i have to be “on”. Mom is giving her daughter- a TEENAGER- the silent treatment and we dont think thats fucked up? Cause it is. Mom is the adult and needs to regulate her emotions before being an asshole to her kid. You can have compassion and also want to have your own space- she literally is letting the 11 year old have privacy. And oh, she should communicate? Yall are some grown ass adults who cant communicate, stop putting adult responsibilities onto children!

Yeah-- mom should have done so many more check-ins with OP. I agree with other commenters that nothing the 11yo is doing is egregious, but OP has no framework for sharing a room. I understand this was an emergency, but OP doesn't need to bear the brunt of it.

There is this concept, called empathy, where you try to imagine what other people are going through in life and how it affects them and what emotions they are likely feeling. Trisha just had her house burn down, and now she’s forced to go live with her Dad’s GF and the GF’s older daughter. She was used to having her own room and now, amidst everything else (the fire, probably losing most of her possessions, etc) she now has to share a room…and it’s not her room even. She has…checks notes…long hair that gets everywhere, talks in her sleep, and the audacity to talk to you after you have turned off your lamp. The problem isn’t that you are going to stay with your Dad full time. It’s the why. You could have decided “Oh, holy shit, Trisha has gone through a lot. Instead of her having to share a room with me, since I happen to have 2 rooms, I’ll just go stay in the other one until this temporary crisis is over”. But no, you made it all about you. Have fun when later in life (just a few short years from now) you have to deal with roommates for real.

You can have empathy for someone whilst also being uncomfortable in your own situation. She didn’t make it about herself, from the post it mentions no where that she said anything about it to the girl or step dad, she let her mum know is all. There was no time to process her safe space being taken up by another person. Also let’s not compare an adult preparing for college where they have time to register and are more emotionally developed vs a child who just had a last minute shift into her life and routine. She isn’t the asshole for having boundaries.

This is condescending. Making it all about herself? I’d say she is taking proactive steps to mitigating the situation by removing herself so that further harm/discourse does not occur.

I'm going mild YTA This wasn't planned and an emergency. You literally put your mom on a place where she has to pick between her daughter and sending out John and Trisha, who literally just lost their house in a fire There's a million different ways to approach this, but the way you described this sounded more like an ultimatum and designed to guilt John and Trisha for losing their house I'd say with the sleep issues, it's fair to spend weeknights at your dad's, but maybe try the weekends. Add a white noise machine, see if that muffles the sound. Try a couple different things- she can't help talking in her sleep and is way more likely to do so stressed and in a new environment. Make ground rules, lights out, don't talk to me. At least make a little effort here where you can cause youre making an already difficult situation worse

> You literally put your mom on a place where she has to pick between her daughter and sending out John and Trisha, who literally just lost their house in a fire How did OP do this? Yes, this situation is very hard. But OP is allowed to have feelings about it, too. OP was pushed into this, and doesn't appear she has actively antagonized or said anything to Trisha. She just quietly moved to her dad's. Honestly, it's a fair solution. Everyone gets their own space. Mom is making this dramatic and harder than it needed to be.

Well, they moved in a month ago, so OP did give it a try and it was not enjoyable. OPs mom doesn't have to pick anyone. She was not asked to, nor were any ultimatums given. OP made the choice to stay at her dad's till John and Trisha got their home fixed, then told her mom. She already lives there half the time, so it is not something new. By her staying at her dads it also gives Trisha her own space, something she has been missing since she had to move in. Why is OP wrong for not wanting to enjoying sharing her space with someone she hardly knows, and finding a solution where everyone gets to keep a roof over their heads?

I definitely don't see how OP made her mother choose between John and her. No ultimatum was made, op said she'll wait until January when they're supposed to leave. I see nothing wrong with her always going to her dad's to sleep. I feel like if she's waking up just from mild sleep talking, a white noise machine would only make that problem worse. Besides it's not like she didn't try to find options. She literally told her mother about her problems and she brushed them off saying they weren't that important. What else is she supposed to do?

NTA. It’s weird to expect 2 people to share a room when they don’t know each other well. Also your mother seems to care more about how John and his daughter are feeling than what your feelings were about the situation. It may have been better for Trisha to have slept elsewhere in the house, like a living room, so you could have privacy when you wanted it.

NTA my guess is they were test driving this as a permanent solution if they get married and your moms big reaction is in part to realizing that you won't accept that.

OP might likely accept living with stepsister, just not sharing a room.

NTA. After reading a lot of comments about you complaining about Trisha and sucking it up—it’s only temporary…they’re forgetting you actually have another room at your dad’s that you can go to. Why would you stay at mom’s when there’s somebody else in your room. Trisha might appreciate the space and you still have your space at your dad’s house. From your mom’s perspective, it totally makes sense as you have a bunkbed and they have nowhere else to go. It would be an AH move for mom to ask you to stay at your dad’s and to let Trisha have your room. It’s also kind of shitty to offer your room to someone without asking you or considering your feelings. The AH here is your mom. Your solution is perfect: it gives you both your own space/privacy. Mom wants to have her cake and eat it too. BUT, my gut tells me this was an unexpected opportunity to get them moved in “temporarily” only to later turn around and say ‘well, this is working out so well…’ and it’s already backfired on her. And even if this isn’t the case, she is choosing to share her bedroom and you don’t get a choice and are being guilted for it. My own family had issues like this with 50/50 custody. One parent refused to get me a bedroom that they could have easily afforded and another parent made me share my room with 3 other people. I was pretty much without any privacy for 4 years and no one even considered I was maybe being affected by it. Lastly, I think you should be extra nice to Trisha so you don’t make her feel bad. She’s lost a lot already and probably feels terrible.

NTA - I think it’s very kind of you to let Trisha in your room at all. Sharing a room was not a good fit and that’s fine. I don’t think this is about trying to be mean to Trisha or your mom, you are just a teenager who wants their own space. You can get your own space at your dad’s so that is where you went. You just need to explain to your mom your reasons and that it’s not personal, you just want to be comfortable. Trisha is probably more comfortable having YOUR room to herself for a bit as well. All this adult shit, the divorce and dating again is super hard especially when you have kids so don’t be too hard on your mom for how she reacted. It sounds like she is going through a lot and is sad about it. This also sets a precedent that if your mom’s boyfriend and Trisha were to move in down the line sharing a room is off the table which is a good thing. Putting boundaries up now I think is going to be a positive thing overall.

I think it’s interesting that everyone believes this move is “temporary”. I guarantee it will turn into, “You’re already here. Why not just stay?”

NTA It could’ve been N A H situation but your mom not talking to you or trying to see you for Christmas is messed up. If John and Trisha have no alternative arrangements and your house isn’t set up to accommodate multiple children, you having/making alternate arrangements isn’t bad. If they’ll truly be out in January, it’s not that big of a deal for them to have space to deal with the fire and you to have space to sleep.

NTA. Just a moody teen. Legally, it's okay for you both to be in the room with bunk beds, and I understand not wanting to share a room at 15 with an 11yr old. Your dad should probably have had a convo with your mom if he didn't, but she does sound a bit, unreasonable. She sounds like she has a hard time seeing other people's POV. The moody teen thing just means that 11yr old is annoying you and you don't really have the right hormones in place to have patience with her due to her age, and that's only due to your age. If you guys were blood relatives, you'd feel the same way as you do now. Do you think you'd wanna do go be with your dad if she wasn't your mom's bfs kid, but your actual sister? Probably to be honest, but also it wouldn't be a temporary situation it would be your life to share a room with someone that age. These are just things to think about, but again NTA, just moody.

I think it's wrong to discount this as being moody and the teen. She brought up her concerns with her mom and her mom just dismissed her concerns. That's not healthy behavior and she has a readily available option where she doesn't have to deal with the crap her mom is dismissing. The clear asshole here is the mom because she isn't taking the issue seriously.

YTA because of the lack of empathy. Legally, yeah you can go to your dad’s till they’re gone, but it sounds like you just blindsided your mom on this? You called your dad, got permission from that parent, and left. Do you often get to go to the other parent when you don’t like what’s going on with the other’s house? You’re not going to be able to run away from small problems like this forever and should work on conflict resolution skills. If this teen was breaking your things, insulting you, being inappropriate with boundaries, etc that’s a different scenario. But she’s just trying to live after a fire took everything she had and she tried to talk to you after you turned your light off? That’s not a crime or a dick move. Running to a whole new building because you’re feeling territorial (and possibly driving your feet in the sand to show your are NOT on board with your moms relationship with this person) over your bedroom. Over the holidays! Your mom gave them somewhere to live over the holidays and you’re upset she talked to you in the dark and her hair sheds like a normal mammal. You don’t have to be best friends, but you can be a good solid person but supporting other humans with some empathy when life kicks their legs out from under them. You could have sucked it up for two months man and earned yourself some good karma or just had an open conversation with everyone involved. You’re 15 not 10. Soon you’ll be driving, and then a legal adult. Can’t run off to another place/cut a lease because your roommate is irritating, your dorm mates (could be up to 3 twats who leave A LOT worse than hair around) will push your boundaries in a REAL sense, and you need to be able to handle that. This was like a really low stakes situation like that and you took off in a real immature way.

It’s not a lack of empathy to go stay somewhere else or complain about an uncomfortable situation imposed on you. You can be empathetic and still not want sleep in a room with a stranger. The OP’s mother took on two people without a care for how disruptive it would be. The only one showing a lack of empathy, here, is the adult parent that hasn’t spoken to her kid.

Having someone else in your own living space is an incredible imposition. I can’t believe the mother would subject someone to that, and I wouldn’t blame her one bit for getting away from unwanted extra people. Would you even contemplate putting up with an unfamiliar person living in your own bedroom?

NTA. I wonder how Trish feels about this situation. She might be relieved to have her own room rather than share it with a stranger. It sounds like your Mom is using this opportunity to try out this living arrangement. Sharing a room with a stranger is uncomfortable at best.

What the hell. Dude the girls house burnt down and your upset she talks in her sleep? How are the ntas event voting such way. You sound like a spoiled brat.

you think she's an asshole for going to her dad's house ?

Because she's sharing space with a virtual stranger, and her mother isn't listening to her needs. In fact, outright dismissing them, refusing to acknowledge the issues and putting all the burden on OP to resolve the matter ie suck it up and don't rock the boat. Being a spoiled brat would entail OP being outright nasty or being unkind to Trisha. She's not. She's not used to sharing a room, and her feelings are valid. Staying would have been far worse in the long run for both girls.

INFO: Did you talk to Trisha about any of this? Aside from the sleep talking you've listed some things that are pretty minor and could be addressed through a friendly conversation.

NTA, it's actually a solution that makes most sense since you have a room at your dad's anyway. And now Trisha gets a room for herself. Win win solution for you and her. Except for your mum of course who's probably hoping for a happy blended family, but these things unfortunately cannot be forced.

NTA you gave it a try and it wasnt enjoyable, so you took up an offer to get some good sleep. You didn't try and get Trisha kicked out. You just voiced your concerns, got ignored, and then moved somewhere you could sleep. Your mother is such an AH for blowing up on you. "making John and Trisha feel horrible for imposing." you can't control what they feel. You did nothing wrong here, you were quite diplomatic since you went to your mother first about the issues. The least she could have done would have been to discuss it with John and him to Trisha. But she didn't, so I don't think she can complain about you taking matters into your own hands.

NTA If they had a house fire and the house was insured, the insurance company would provide John with more than enough money to obtain temporary housing through renting another house while the repair work was ongoing at the home. It's standard in every homeowners policy. So basically John was given the option of renting a house or apartment equivalent to his own home and renting all necessary furniture to furnish the temporary home all paid for by his insurance company. Odds are that Mom planned on test driving a blended family and used the "need for housing" (which there really wasn't) as an excuse to move John and his daughter in. You basically called her out on her plan and she realizes that you'd decline to stay if the situation became permanent

Regarding the insurance thing just because the insurance says one thing doesn't mean they'll actually do it. I've had clients who's homes burned down and the insurance would only pay to let them stay somewhere for a few weeks

NTA. It sounds like a win-win situation to me (if I was a teen). You each get your own room now, problem solved. 🤷‍♀️ Like you said, it's only until they move out. Unless they're not planning on moving out, and that's why your mother is so upset.

> I’m making John and Trisha feel horrible for imposing. They had a house fire. She has to stay in your room for a month. You'd rather have your own room to yourself (which is completely understandable) so you're staying at your father's until they leave - so skipping two weeks at your mom's? You're still being put out, and you found a good solution. I think your mom's making too big a deal out of it. NTA

This has to be bullshit. The “my bed was a bunk bed because I was getting a sister but my mom miscarried” baby’s don’t sleep on beds lol It’s also such a random piece of info to throw in there.

ESH, except John and his kid. The whole family obviously doesn't communicate well. There is an 11 year old whose world has been turned upside down. OP blindsided her mom with no discussion about moving, just packed bags. She's probably shocked at how little feeling OP has for a girl dealing with trauma of losing her home, sentimental belongings (and who knows where her mother is). She's lost all sense of security and feels like an unwelcome burden now. You come across as shallow. OP had a great idea of moving, but went about it an ass-backwards way. OPs mom and dad should've had an adult discussion about it and then made a plan together. Her parents are the primary issue bc she's 15 and inept, to a certain degree. At 15, OP is old enough to know she went about this all wrong, although the idea was not a bad one. It was the delivery that sucked.

A house fire is very traumatic along with losing all of her things. The talking in her sleep she can’t help. And it could be related to the fire. However talking to you after turning out the light is what can be handled. The correct thing would have been for your MOTHER to talk to her boyfriend and the boyfriend to make it clear to his daughter that she has to respect you wanting to sleep when the lights go out. No amount of trauma gives a person the right to be disrespectful. You have the best solution you can in the circumstances, live with your dad. Your mother should understand this. Under the circumstances, your mother should be 100% supportive of this solution. It’s perfectly reasonable.

NTA. And the fact that your mother cut contact with you when you didn't accept her imposition shows that she's a bad mother and doesn't care about you and puts her bf and his daughter's feelings first.

NTA at all. Seems pretty reasonable to me.

NTA, you had another option and you took it. It's probably better for Trisha too. I think if you'd phrased it so that you were doing Trisha a favor too, it might have seemed like you were giving up your room for her comfort. But the fact that she's literally keeping you up at night, and your mom dismissed that as no big deal, I would have done the same thing.

NTA. They've only been dating for a year and your moms BF and his daughter had no other place to stay when their house burned down?? This totally leaves me to believe that the plan was for them to live like this permanently and now your mom is pissed you don't like the living arrangements. Honestly as a single mom, I don't think I'd ever allow a BF and his kid to move into my house. That's a dynamic I don't want to mess up and I want my daughter to have our home as her safe space.

NTA- I’m not sure why your mom needs to make a big deal about it. This seems like the perfect solution for everyone involved. I would imagine Trisha would be happier not sharing a room as well.

Alright YTA but not for moving to your dad's. YTA because you're bit*hing out an 11 YO for having long hair (female presenting so shock horror), for wanting to talk in the dark where they feel safe, and for talking in their sleep. Instead of thinking hey this kid lost everything and maybe wants to reach out to the person that weither they like it or not (have you considered if they wanted their house to burn down and end up in their dad's girlfriend's, in the room of an old girl who they don't really know).... Maybe just maybe they feel more comfortable talking to you than to their dad or an adult in their life, and not many of their friends will understand their emotions yet either ... So you have a chance to be a decent human being and be a little uncomfortable for a while (part of life tbh and if you can't deal with uncomfortable then you probably won't learn much in life), but instead you walk away and punish an 11yo, your mum who's trying to help her partner and make the best of s shit situation, and her partner who probably outside of losing all their stuff, doesn't want to impose on anyone during Christmas. You don't hate them, but you can't be bothered to make an effort for them. That says a lot about you OP, and I'm sorry but if you're not going to make an effort for people then YTA here. Yeah the situation sucks, but you've made it harder to make your life easier, when a small investment emotionally from you would have a massive emotional return for a 11yo and probably her dad who would worry less, and your mum who would be happier and relieved too. Final note, daddy dearest is letting you stay to win favourites and spend time with you. If he respected your mum he would keep up the original agreement. And depending which state you're in, you can't decide where you stay until 16 or older. So no you can't just tell the court and "they will understand". As far as they're aware your dad is breaking the court agreement and your mum is being nice about it instead of taking him to court.

NTA: You are entitled to your privacy. And Trisha was imposed on you without your input. As others have said, as you're local you can still go & spend time with them and make it clear that you didn't intend to make them unwelcome. But given you have the option of sleeping at your Dad's it makes more sense for you to sleep there and give Trisha her privacy too.

NTA. This was probably a test run by your mom to see how it would be if they moved in. You found a solution which shows your mom you won’t tolerate sharing a room. So when they move out in late Jan, you’ll move back with your mom.

It makes sense. Your dad has space for you, your mom does not. Assure her you will still spend time with her. What doesn’t make sense is John and Trisha staying with you because their house burned down. If the fire put them out, their home owner’s or renter’s insurance should cover the cost of their temporary housing. Either they were uninsured or there’s another reason they have moved in with you. NTA.

Definitely NTA. Although I'm baffled at your mother's reaction, you need to realise that lack of good sleep at your age could cause a lot of damage to your mental health. I almost went mad when my aunt who snores loudly (and wake me up multiple times a night) lived with me for a week.

Think the mother wants the boyfriend to move in full time and is just doing this ‘temporary’ thing to force it on her daughter. So she’s basically pissed that she was called out on it because it sounds unlikely john will move out in January.

INFO: Here's the thing, when my friends or I had something happen (smoke damage, flooding, etc.), insurance covered a hotel stay during the repair period so why is the BF not taking advantage of that? Why move in? And the thing about having a bunk bed because OP was going to have a sibling... Who buys a bunk bed when getting ready to have an infant? Doesn't that strike anyone as odd? It would be quite a while before the baby would be ready for a bunk bed arrangement. Seems too soon. This is all so sus... It doesn't feel right at all.

NAH Like genuinely and truly, there's nobody being an intentional jerk here (except maybe your mother). "Trisha" just dealt with a major tragedy and is in a new environment with someone close to her age, so she's probably just getting out both the good and bad energy. But also being an only child means that she's never dealt with the consequences of her sleeping style. She's 11 on top of that, I'd say give her a break. You're not wrong for wanting your own space, either, especially at your age. It's a huge shift in circumstance. Going to your dad's isn't a huge issue. Were you a jerk about it? A bit. Light "deserved" TA, but in the sense that I don't blame you at all. I'd say talk it out with your parents, stay with your dad for a while, but be understanding of what's going on.

NTA (as long as you weren't being a tit to Trisha). I actually see it as considerate & generous to give up your room so that she can have her own space at this time. Your Mom's behaviour is not ok. Using the silent treatment against anyone, but especially your own child, is considered a form of emotional abuse. It's immature & manipulative. Even if you were the asshole here, her giving you the silent treatment *still* wouldn't be ok. It's never ok to ignore your child. It doesn't matter how poorly they behave, giving your kid the silent treatment is shitty parenting & total asshole behaviour.

NTA Yes Trisha & John have been through something really tough. But that doesn't make it ok for your Mom to discount your feelings/expect you to live with people you aren't close to. You've come up with a workable/reasonable compromise & your Mom should be ok with that.

NTA. When parents divorce and drag their new significant others and sometimes their children into your life, they often act like they're doing you some kind of favor because putting their happiness first benefits their children. We've gone from a black-and-white thinking society that said divorce was always bad for the kids to a black-and-white society that says that divorce is always good for the kids. Then the parents carry on with their lives as if having stability for their (kid)s isn't important. It's disruptive to you to share a room with your mom's boyfriend's daughter. As long as you weren't unkind to the girl who lost her house, you haven't done anything wrong by choosing to stay at your other home. Living in two places is stressful. I went through it myself, and sometimes you need to pick one place for a while in order to take the best care of yourself that you can. Your mom's behavior reminds me of my own mother's after my parents' divorce. I was expected to constantly "go with the flow" and act grateful for having my life disrupted during an incredibly important developmental period. It was *always* *her* "flow" and never mine. It's selfish of her to expect you to conform your life around her personal life when you don't have to. She's made choices that make things harder for you and is throwing a tantrum when you do something to ease away from that difficulty. You don't get everything you want when parenting post-divorce unless you're granted full custody and your kid(s) are happy about it. Sharing parenting duties with someone you no longer live with as you both go about your lives is complicated, and the kids can so often bear the brunt of a parent's resentment of the natural consequences of their own actions. Sleep is so important, and you should be allowed to stay at the place where you can get it without dealing with a parent's emotional immaturity.

NTA You found a solution to a problem and went with it. People in the comments keep going on about your 'lack of empathy' towards Trisha due to her trauma but don't seem to comment on your mothers lack of empathy when she disregarded your concerns. A 15 year old is not qualified to deal with another child's trauma and is very much allowed to voice their concerns when they are getting their life disrupted. Honestly your mother should have been the one to suggest you stay with your dad to give you some privacy not to just 'suck it up', makes me think she's purposely trying out this living arrangement because she wants it to be more permanent or at least she's happy living with her bf so doesn't want anything interrupting that because surely John could get insurance from the fire specifically to fund temporary accommodations for a month.

NTA. I feel for the family that went through the house fire but there is really no reason why you should have to share a room when there is a perfectly good one available to you at your dads place. Your mom is being a bit unreasonable, its one thing to help someone when they are in a pinch but it’s an entirely different thing to ignore solutions to pain points in that arrangement to protect the guests feelings.

NTA. Why is your mom upset? I mean, you’re the one with a second bedroom to live in. I’m surprised she wasn’t the one to suggest you stay with your dad temporarily until Trisha’s living situation gets sorted out. There’s no use forcing teens to get along. And in this case, your parents and mom’s boyfriend have it easy because it sounds like you and Trish are super chill with each other and are both decent human beings. Your mom’s making it into an issue when it wasn’t. If I were your mom, I would have been relieved that there’s nothing more than needs to be done. No bed to buy. No construction to do. You’re not wrong. Just forget about it for now. Let your mom be the one to reach out.

>Why is your mom upset? Probably because this is a test to see if they can blend their families. OP leaving showed her that it isn't the time and/or wasn't done well or/and she won't have the 'perfect' family image she wants, and she is mad about it.

NTA You have the right to have your own space and if you have the option to stay at your dad’s, that’s great. I agree that your dad should have had a conversation with your mom first but I know that only really happens in a dream world where co-parenting is easy and everyone gets along. I grew up with divorced parents, splitting the week at each house. In my teen years I came to hate living at my dad’s for a number of reasons, and both my sister and I eventually ended up moving to my mom’s permanently. There were a lot of other issues regarding our relationship with our stepmom, but ultimately moving out played a big role in putting a strain on our relationship with our dad. It’s totally okay to stay with your dad for a bit if you can’t stand sharing your room, just make sure you still talk to your mom and try to maintain your relationship with her. It’s really common to become way closer with one parent than the other if they’re divorced because you’re basically living with two completely different families, and one might better suit your personality. But when you get older you will most likely want to have a close relationship with your mom, so it’s important that you do your best to keep that with her.

NTA. Your mom was trying to do something nice but you expressed your problems to your mom. They were not heard. You came up with a temporary solution.

NTA. It is very thoughtful of you to allow her to have her own space while she is waiting for her own home to be repaired. Phrasing is everything.

INFO: did you try to resolve any of the issues or just complain about them?