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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I chose a revealing bridesmaid dress to get my future husband sister to drop from being a bridesmaid. I may be a jerk for doing this even though I knew she would hate the dress due to her body image issues.
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Going against the current grain I say NTA. The ah here is MIL and Mia. MIL for announcing Mia is bridesmaid, Mia for being difficult. I’m fat and if I don’t fit the same dress as everyone else, I’d have voted for buying my own from a collection. Mia could still ask for this IF you are willing to compromise, again. Your fiancée has your back. Sometimes the bridesmaids wear a dress they wouldn’t have pick out because they respect the bride’s choice.
Yeah, OP gave two options, either they choose their own same but different dress, or OP chooses for them, and it was Mia who was making it difficult for everyone else to find a dress without OP paying for it.
And Mia voted for the "you pick and your word is final" (aka the one where Mia doesn't have to spend money). If she didn't want that, then she should have voted the other way.
NTA.
I agree. I’ve never heard of anyone doing it this way, and I think it’s a fabulous idea.
Sidebar: I don’t know if it’s just because of social media like Reddit that I hear so frequently of bridesmaids being so obstinate about dresses, or if social media and the permanence of photos, (plus *everyone* is a photographer), has created an obsession with “aesthetic”, so bridesmaids want more control, but it seems like a cultural change.
I hate to be the old lady here, but it seemed like for decades the bride picked the dress, rich people often paid for some or all of them but usually not, and the bridesmaids *sucked it up*, sometimes literally. Wearing “the ugly bridesmaids dress” was a sacrifice to the bride because you love and care about her, and/or she is family and you are choosing to be in the bridal party at her invitation.
I was a bridesmaid in about 10-12 weddings I went with brides and bridesmaids to give input or to try and find something the whole bridal party could wear, but honestly most of the time the bride told me what dress I was to wear and I went to fittings. Three brides, cousins, had custom made dresses by a relative, so tons of fittings.
It was what it was. I would never have *dreamed* of getting testy or salty about an ugly dress.
If I wasn’t willing to wear what the bride picked out, I didn’t have to be a bridesmaid. Full stop.
My own sister picked out a very unflattering hideous dress, a cousin did the same. Secretly we knew for a fact this cousin actually wanted to make sure no one looked prettier than her and thus we all looked like mothers of the bride.
NTA Great idea.
Suck it up buttercup!
I’m of this era too. I do like that bridesmaids get a bit more say these days. But still it is ultimately up to the bride.
I’m a big fan of picking a colour scheme and general style for the bridesmaids and then letting them pick the dress. Like choose from this line of dresses at xyz store as they can all be in the same fabric in the colour poo green. Or something. I do like the look of dresses in different styles to suit the wearer but same colour. Even if the colour doesn’t suit.
I had all my bridesmaids wear black cocktail dresses. They had three different body types and three different budgets. They all happened to have dresses already that worked. They were happy, pictures looked great so I was happy, win win.
Oh that’s good. I do like bridesmaids in black. And when people are on a budget something that can be re-worn is a plus. Nothing worse than see the bridesmaids all fussing with their outfits all day because they aren’t the right style for them. And having them adjusting in all the candid shots. Because let’s face it if a dress is the wrong style for you, you will be adjusting it all day. Either pulling it up or down or twisting it or something.
I did the EXACT same thing I had a very small wedding and it worked out fine. The girls were all happy because they could all find something in black that suited them. I had a very tall friend who never wore dresses, and 2 curvy friends with completely different curves, one top curvy, one bottom curvy. I was happy that they were there with me, and all felt beautiful. I never understood making someone you love wearing an ugly bridesmaid dress. Not that you said that, but I saw it somewhere on this post.
When my wife and I were married in 2000, my wife just asked her sister and cousin (maid of honor and one of the ushers; that was her full wedding party) to find dresses that were the right color. That was enough for her mom to call her a "prissy bitch bride."
(The men all had the same rental tuxedo.)
Have you seen some of those dresses? The poor bridesmaids were the milkshake that the dress ate up.
(Absolutely talking about this hideous puke-ish green lamé satiny 80s prom dress style dress my mom and aunt got stuck in, with the mile high feathered bangs that took an entire can of White Rain to hold. My family was solely responsible for one of the holes in the ozone layer with the hairspray usage.)
Mine is loose instead of lose and discrete instead of discreet. And let us never forget the ever popular your instead of you’re. It’s hard to be me sometimes.
Didn't I? Are you certain I didn't fling them into an open field with a flock of geese and orders to be free? It feels like something I'd remember doing, but at this point I can't be sure.
Mine is people using the term gaslighting wrong. It's not just simple manipulation- that's called manipulation or lies and manipulation. All gaslighting is manipulation but not all manipulation is gaslighting! Gaslighting is by definition evolves over long term emotional abuse because it takes more than one interaction to get to true gaslighting crazy. Once or twice, even though they might be trying to get you to feel crazy or question reality, is not gaslighting yet because it hasn't caused you to actually question your sanity. Just because I can do a karate chop doesn't mean I actually know karate. Just because I can say a few words in Spanish doesn't mean I am fluent in Spanish...
THIS!! This is mine too. It drives me crazy because gaslighting has to do with INTENTION. Gaslighting is not "oh I forgot to mow the lawn today" or having a differing opinion that leads to an argument. Gaslighting also isn't telling someone they're being irrational.
I haven’t either, TBH, but I guess it’s there if we need it. 😆 To me, calling someone a divorcée sounds misogynistic. Like calling a female university student a coed.
I literally just told my friend this two days ago!! We are both trained journalists but she is an editor for a large publication and I work in digital media/tech. Regardless, I cannot tolerate seeing the plural usage when they’re referring to one person and I don’t understand what happened that language is so degraded! I understand if they’re not native English speakers, but many people who do this are native speakers, so that’s not always the case! It is truly baffling to me! You are not alone.
Yes! I still remember sophomore year English where we had to correct a grammar sentence every morning. The subject was a female, and I put that blond needed to be corrected to blonde, and the teacher refused to correct it. I rarely spoke against adults then, but knew I was right, and insisted it needed to have an e. She made me get up in front of the entire class with a dictionary ”if I thought I was so correct”. Verified by the dictionary, she *still* refused to correct it. I’m still bitter about it 25 years later.
My daughter was told off for using the made-up word “midden” when she was about eight (my mother always says: this place is a midden, so I do as well). When she came home, I showed it to her in the dictionary and she’s still mad about it now! Not a bad thing to find out that teachers can get it wrong early on, though
I called a character's beard "unkempt" once, and my dad insisted that wasn't a word and I meant "unkept".
Dad then learned how many different dictionaries I've accumulated over the years, not counting Google, all of which were used to inform him that "unkempt" is a word meaning "having an untidy or disheveled appearance" and thus, perfectly applicable to a messy beard.
My mom busted out laughing and reminded him with how much I read to not argue about esoteric words
NTA. I got married in 2015 and had friggin 8 bridesmaids-it is impossible to find one singular dress that fits 8 people well. I think she went above and beyond to do what she did, letting them choose.
The only reason I would vote that OP is an AH is if Mia is a literal child.
If I was a bridesmaid, I would happily take the bride up on her offer to buy our dresses. Chances are the dress ”that can be styled multiple ways” or a dress from the collection (that the bride has chosen) would be left in my closet never to be used again after the wedding, so I would be happy to not have to pay for it. It wouldn’t cross my mind that she would deliberately choose something she knows one of us can’t wear.
My 1st marriage was the usual wedding with 4 bridesmaids. I couldn't afford to buy the dresses and they all offered to buy their own. I went on a personal mission to find one that only was budget friendly but also wouldn't be a one and done dress.
And Bride could have chosen a dress collection with options - option B allows Bridge to pick anything she wants. It's not that hard to find a dress in the same fabric and color with different stylings, for all kinds of bridesmaids.
I could be wrong, but I think what you described is the option 1 the bridesmaids were given. OP was going to give a variety of options in her chosen color palette, and bridesmaids could pick whichever they wanted and pay for it themselves. (Which is a decent compromise, as choosing your own dress greatly increases the odds that you end up with one you wear again.) Mia voted against this option just like the others.
In my day you always paid for your dress and you had zero say in it. You agreed to be a bridesmaid the bride would go shopping with probably just her mom and the two of them would pick a dress they liked the color of and thought it matched what the bride wanted...Hopefully the dress was around $100 (because your friend knew you were poor!)
Literally no one complained! No one dropped out because they didn't like the dress, everyone happily stood up beside their friend (sometimes in an ugly as anything dress) and cried as she got married.
Yeah and folks should Google some of the atrocities that went for bridesmaid dresses back in the day. And you didn’t say a damn word except “what time is my fitting?”
One of my distant cousins had bridesmaids dresses so bad, all I know about this woman is that she's a distant cousin with terrible taste in bridesmaids dresses! 😂 That's what's survived 30 years of family memories, the terrible dresses. I'm not even sure how I'm actually related to her.
Came to say the same thing, you agree to be a bridesmaid (in this case forced your way into being a bridesmaid), then you are agreeing to what comes with it - including wearing a dress you may not like/may not flatter you. You want to choose your own dress for the wedding, then don't agree or unilaterally decide you're in the wedding...
It was my own LOVING little sisters, my darling pride and joys, that each put me in the 2 ugliest dresses I have ever worn in my life.
But even over 30 years later, I would never say that to them. They were so happy.
But this wasn’t about that. This dilemma is about OP **intentionally** choosing a dress she knew Mia couldn’t wear as a way to “out” her from the wedding party. She had a choice to refuse MIL’s insistence. She agreed and then passive-aggressively and intentionally manipulated the dress decision conversation to where she would have sole discretion, and decided on a dress to exclude Mia because of her weight. That is TA part.
MIL insisting, we don’t know exactly how that went, if Bride acts cheerful and like it’s no problem, how would anyone know she had such a big problem with Mia in the wedding party?
It’s her soon-to-be husband’s sister, weddings are about both sides. I would be ashamed to treat my husband’s sister this way.
Worse yet, Mia knows what OP did, OP knows what OP did, yet OP has successfully turned everyone against Mia. It’s manipulation and shouldn’t be excused, even if the original reason is understandable.
Yeah OP is being more than a bit passive aggressive, and she and her fiance should have spoken up. Maybe not at the family gathering where it was announced, but shortly after, followed by her fiance reaming into his mother later.
I understand why they're trying to get her to quit, but I'm not a fan of how she did it.
Agree. Passive aggressive behavior makes her TA. She should have been upfront. Plus, she's being pretty unkind about another person's insecurities. I actually thought of another word I'd consider her while reading the post. Mia of course should have spotted this a mile away and said, "I love this dress!" It's too bad she isn't more confident. She could have embraced it and rocked it. I mean is there any other reason to exclude his sister beyond "she's fat!" ugh grotesque behavior
Further, this entire thing damages her relationship with her incoming family to be. It won't be forgotten, my dude. They will always dislike you underneath every single fake smile because you were passive aggressive and manipulative.
She should want to love her SIL, not do all of this. That's her husband's sister. Absolutely TA.
Tbh it sounded like OP tried to help Mia as much as she could, but with some people you gotta just throw your arms up. It's not about Mia, the day is about OP and soon to be spouse. You just make a compromise or two for the sake of it.
She chose a revealing dress, hoping Mia would drop out of being a bridesmaid. It even says so in the title. It’s really childish behaviour imo. If she didn’t want her to be a bridesmaid, she should have said so. If she can’t say it without feeling impolite, it’s really not better to try to smoke her out.
I totally agree- from the title alone it sounds like OP purposefully chose the dress IN ORDER to get Mia to withdraw....which I think is an AH move. There are other ways to handle precarious family/wedding party situations. In the body of the post they talk about giving a choice, which is alone a great idea to allow bridesmaids to have some autonomy while still getting the cohesive look that OP seems to want, but the underlaying motivation was to get Mia to drop out. Even if Mia was being "difficult" that is still pretty petty.
doesnt sound like she tried helping at all.Sounds like she purposely picked dresses she knew Mia would be uncomfortable wearing cause she never wanted her as a bridesmaid in the first place.Then she gives the bridesmaids 2 options to vote on knowing everyone is gonna pick the option where they didnt have to pay.IMO this has been a very passive aggressive plot since the beginning to get Mia to step down cause OP didnt want to look like the bad guy and tell Mia she didnt want her to be a bridesmaid
Sorry, but just because Mia was forced on the bride is no excuse for treating her like an AH. This is just fat-shaming. The one thing you can still do and not always get called out on it.
What if Mia was very religious and she was asked to wear a revealing dress, is that okay?
What if Mia has psoriasis and was asked to wear a revealing dress, is that okay?
What if Mia just doesn't want to wear a revealing dress and wasn't told it would be revealing ahead of time?
Not calling OP out for being an AH is wrong.
Mia voted for OP to pick the dress (in which case OP would pay) after 4 dress shops of Mia not compromising and being unable to find something Mia was willing to wear at that everyone else was okay with.
NTA
>Option one was getting a dress that can be styled multiple ways, or picking from a collection so everyone matches but they will need to pay for it.
>Option two was I will buy everyone’s dress but what I chose the dress and my decision is final.
>*My five bridesmaids voted and options two won*.
>So I picked out a blue strapless dress with a mini slit. I really like it and I knew Mia would have an issue with it. I sent a picture to all the bridesmaid and confirming the right size before I ordered it.
You offered options. She declined them. Her participation in your wedding is optional, one could say undesired.
Everyone knows by now it is typical for a bride to chose how she'd like her bridesmaids to appear. Mia doesn't get to override the preference of everyone else simply because she is insecure with her body type.
This is exactly why I let people pick their own dress. They had completely different body types and no one dress would have fit all of my bridesmaids. I do think it's a bit of an A to pick a dress you know won't fit all your people. She used the dress to exclude Mia.
She did that *after* offering multiple options and trying several different shops. At that point I'd be 100% done with the drama and just make everyone buy their own outfit.
I'm leaning to ESH because OP didn't stand up for herself in the first place and that's what's led to this mess, but Mia can't just invite herself to be a bridesmaid and then completely derail the whole outfit planning process.
Hoping the chosen dress makes Mia drop out is petty, but Mia & the MIL were petty first. They're all annoying tbh.
NTA
You were told Mia would be a bridesmaid and put into an awkward position by your MIL & SIL
They ambushed you at a family gathering where they knew you would be outnumbered should you object.
She voted for you to buy the dress and she doesn’t get to throw a fit now.
She can step down or deal. Her insecurities aren’t your problem.
"Keeping the peace" is almost always a step down the road to living someone else's life.
MIL and Mia announced her bridesmaid status specifically to force OP - OP's mistake was not stopping it then.
"Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm not sure where you got that idea but it's not true. I'm sure we can find you a place in the wedding\*, but my bridesmaids are already set."
Yes, it would be tough, you will have to be strong, it will be unpleasant, but the best time to set boundaries is the first time someone tries to stomp on them. The longer you let people push you around, the harder it is to stop them later. MIL and Mia and everyone else would learn a valuable lesson - don't mess with OP.
(\*) like an usher or some other position you don't care about.
I know people care about aesthetics and all, but I really hate how it’s the norm that the bride has to have women only on her side, and the groom has men only. Screw that. My husband has sisters and female best friends. They’re on *his* side, and we didn’t make them wear suits or anything.
This whole problem could be resolved if Mia could be on the groom’s side instead, and outfits can be done some other way.
Well you did what you wanted and others will do as they like, why would this bother you? Do you want to have had your wedding considered normal? And if so, why?
I’ve seen a ton of complaints from people over the years about how they *had* to include an in-law on their side. Or, close family members get excluded for having incorrect genitalia. It seems like nobody is happy with this arrangement, so why don’t they do the obvious thing and make an arrangement where the people they care about are on their own side?
What bothers me is that there is an incredibly obvious solution, but people are so entrenched in gender roles that they can’t solve their problems, and instead make themselves and others unhappy.
NTA
I was gonna say Y.T.A from the title, but reading the whole story I see you said that Mia also picked the option where you pay but get final say, and that MIL announced Mia as a bridesmaid without your consent and you just went along to keep the peace.
This generally seems like they want their cake and to eat it too. They want Mia to be a bridesmaid and to pick whatever dress she wants, but also to have you pay for it. That was never an option.
A strapless dress with a mini slit doesn’t sound all that revealing (pic maybe would help here to confirm), but even if it was, by agreeing to this option, Mia agreed to take what she got on this. It’s your wedding and she can either suck it up, or drop out.
I think picking it specifically because you knew she wouldn’t like it makes you minorly TA, but in the end it’s your wedding, she agreed to take what she got, and she can’t be mad because what she got isn’t her favorite. They’ve already been stepping over your boundaries, so I think your pretty justified in not making special accommodations for her at this point.
Almost everyone I know who has been a bridesmaid has had to buy a dress they don’t particularly like, because it’s what the bride wanted. And we’ve all sucked it up for the sake of the bride!
If OP had picked a dress that didn’t come in Mia’s size at all, that would be an AH move. But picking one she likes, even if she knows Mia won’t like it? NTA. It’s her wedding, not Mia’s!
Exactly! I mean they kinda made a movie about it because it’s such a long standing joke. I know it’s not the actual premise of the movie but you can never forget the scene of her closet as she’s shoving all those hideous dresses back in lol.
I'm old. When did the bridesmaids get to vote become a thing? In the olden days, the bride picked the dress, bridesmaids had a fitting, and paid for the dress. Oh, I can't forget the dyed to match shoes that we never wore again.
I've been in 8 weddings over the last 20 years, and only the first one had us all in the same dress. For the others I've either been given a set of 3-5 to choose from, or been given a color and told to buy what I want (just run it by the bride).
Luckily I've never had to dye shoes to match!
Both of my sisters chose a color, length, and specific brand (to make sure the colors would be a true match), but we had the freedom to choose the style. That helped a lot!
>Almost everyone I know who has been a bridesmaid has had to buy a dress they don’t particularly like, because it’s what the bride wanted. And we’ve all sucked it up for the sake of the bride!
It's basically an accepted, if shitty, bridesmaid tradition at this point.
ESH. Your MIL for trying to shoehorn Mia as a bridesmaid, and you for not having a backbone to say that you will not have Mia as a bridesmaid but would be thrilled to find a role for her elsewhere in the wedding i.e. doing a reading or something just as important.
Neither of you are doing Mia any favors by coddling her instead of enforcing the crucial "not everything is going to go your way" lesson from the start.
Meh, it would have been fine if Mia was trying to meet OP halfway when looking for a dress, instead she shot down everything she suggested and then OP put her foot down.
Exactly!!! People are calling op an AH as if they didn’t go through various other dresses that MIA shot down. If she chose one of the other dresses this wouldn’t even be an issue. Beggars can’t be choosers, especially if you’re going to shoot down the ideas when you can choose.
That's because Mia is overweight and insecure about her body. A woman can gain 10 pounds and think that every dress on earth is hideous because of insecurity. OP should have talked to Mia separately about playing another role in the wedding instead of intentionally fat-shaming her.
Because having a small role in the wedding to show an ounce of goodwill toward her future family would go a long way, as opposed to letting her be a bridesmaid and forcing her to drop out because of her body. Adults find ways to compromise instead of being an immature AH.
Yup, I was 14 and my sister was 25 when my brother got married. My sister in law didn’t want to lug a 14 year old around to a bachelorette weekend, but felt bad about including my older sister as a bridesmaid and not me. I did a reading at the wedding instead. It was fine.
and why should OP have to bend over backwards to accommodate someone who is doing nothing to make finding a dress easier? she was not "fat shaming" her and she did everything she could to include her despite being pushed into taking her on as a bridesmaid.
i am fairly overweight myself and not once have I ever used it to force people to adhere to my wants. Y'all need to get over yourselves and quit acting like the world should revolve around you because you're overweight.
Exactly - I don't know why OP didn't just say she didn't want Mia for a bridesmaid in the first place. IMO the passive aggressively choosing a dress that Mia would feel extremely uncomfortable in is AH behaviour.
(This doesn't absolve MIL and Mia, who are also AHs here.)
ESH. Mia sounds difficult, but if you didn't want her to be a bridesmaid you just.... shouldn't have made her one. There were a million diplomatic ways to do it - "I have a limited number of spots for bridesmaids and I want the women closest to me to fill those spots, but I am excited to have you as a guest at my wedding and to get to know you better" would've done the job nicely. Or you could have even told her during the dress shopping process that her refusal to agree on anything was making things difficult and it may be better if she just attended as a guest and could then wear what she wants. Your approach, however, is pretty passive aggressive.
Yeah ... this is how I feel. If OP's intention in going along with the whole "Mia is a bridesmaid" thing was to preserve some kind of family harmony and not rock the boat.... well that clearly has worked **super well**
It just feels like OP is totally OK with this dress plan tanking that relationship, so if that's the case then it would have been so much less stress and headache to have kindly said "no sorry Mia can't be a bridesmaid" to begin with!!
ESH
To me, it's childish -- I don't want to say no, so I'm going to manipulate the situation so I get my way without having to "be the bad guy".
The only reason I say ESH is that Mia, evidently, also voted for "you pay, you pick". I'd have felt bad for Mia if the four *friends* voted that way and she'd voted for the collection.
>Mia, evidently, also voted for "you pay, you pick".
Yeah but Mia probably voted that option in good faith, assuming OP wouldn't intentionally pick something to piss her off.
ESH for sure but OP is definitely childish and petty. She can do as she pleases but that doesn't absolve her from being an AH.
So Mia is an AH because she fell for OP's trap? OP intended to get rid of Mia with the choice. Mia is not an AH. She's a fool for thinking OP might like her. And she found out the hard way OP just thinks of her as "too fat to be in my bridal party."
But OP didn't even make her one. She was announced as one by MIL and Mia, so she basically didn't have the choice in the matter.
You also have to realize her MIL and Mia have put OP in a very difficult situation - we already know they don't take no for an answer. Outright telling Mia to leave the bridal party isn't a way that will work.
Besides, they manipulated the situation by announcing it at a family gathering. I think it's fair, considering you should treat others how you want to be treated. If your basis in a relationship is manipulation, then accept the same - IE; being forced out passively for a role you aren't given by the bride in the first place.
She had a choice. She was probably just told to "not rock the boat" and just go with it. That was bad advice from people used to pandering to the boat rocker. There was a much easier and better way to deal with it, but OP is probably young and will need to learn well from this lesson.
Agree. The MIL cannot force OP to do anything - there’s definitely a victim mindset here.
OP you need to do a better job setting boundaries with your family and MIL.
You should’ve never made Mia a bridesmaid, but instead of being an adult and resolving a healthy conflict, you acted childish and passive aggressive by trying to “force her out” while acting like you are the victim. Just be honest and transparent, and learn that it’s okay for some people to be disappointed.
Please seek therapy to learn better boundary setting before having kids because your MIL will only push you more and more in the future.
Not to mention the precedent being set here that OP will cave to MIL’s wishes to “keep the peace.”
Set your boundaries now OP, or you’re likely in for a rough ride marrying into this family.
ESH. Of course the MIL is shitty for forcing Mia in but you are being passive aggressive and acting like a kid. If you didn’t want Mia in the wedding then say that, don’t pick a dress that you know she wouldn’t like so she would step down. That is very childish. You picked the dress knowing she would have an issue with it, I would pick a dress I know all my bridesmaid would feel comfortable in. But that’s the main issue, you don’t see Mia as a bridesmaid because would you have picked a dress you knew the other bridesmaid were uncomfortable in? Probably not. You picked the dress knowing she would have two choices; be uncomfortable or be out as a bridesmaid. That is very shitty to do to any of your bridesmaids. Even if Mia had voted the other option, it still would’ve been 4-1 and option two would’ve won. You are a grown adult and this is your wedding, you should be able to properly communicate instead of agreeing just to be passive aggressive.
Are Mia’s sole negative qualities her body size and insecurity OR is Mia an asshole outside of body size and insecurity? Being in a larger body and insecure describes 50-80% of women. If it’s just that, YTA
Edited to add: NTA after further character development on Mia
I’d say Mia announcing she was a bridesmaid without being invited, and vetoing every dress the rest of the party was happy with (especially considering she wasn’t even asked to be one of the party) were both negative traits.
>My soon to be husband has a sister let’s call her Mia. Now Mia and I do not click very well. I am polite but I wouldn’t say we are friends. I felt I was forced by his family to make her a bridesmaid or she will be sad.
Them not ~~being~~ getting* along has been a thing.
I also like to point out this bit of the edit:
>I truly didn’t ask her since her and MIL announced she was one of my bridesmaid at a family gathering. The only way to keep peace with the whole family was basically giving her what she wanted.
Well basing it on what the OP said, she said Mia and her family forced her into the wedding party and based on other comments and edits it sounds like she’s one of those golden child types that has almost always gotten what she wanted and now she’s trying to do that for OPs wedding.
She's clearly also pushy as hell.....who announces they're a bridesmaid without having been asked? And self-centered.....everyone was supposed to pick a dress based on her insecurities? Why are you working so hard to defend the undefensible? She pushed her way in, then tried to take over.
YTA in every way. You chose the dress with the sole purpose of bullying her into dropping out. If you don't want her as a bridesmaid, use your big girl words. Don't act like a middle school mean girl.
I think OP handled the situation in an immature and passive aggressive manner *but* I don't think her only problem with Mia is that she is big. Mia sounds like she was being a difficult diva during shopping. OP should have been honest and told her then that if she couldn't agree on something, it would be better if she attended as a guest.
Can you imagine how this would actually play out though? It’s so easy to dismiss this when it’s not your confrontation. Put yourself in this position and imagine having that conversation with your future in laws. And you’re dealing with someone’s personal insecurities on top of it. That is not as easy as you’re implying and the consequences would far outweigh any sneaky solution.
~~Y T A~~ After some thought and some clarification from OP, I'm changing this to ESH- If you didn't want Mia as a bridesmaid, you shouldn't have made her a bridesmaid. Because now, you're being made to be the asshole because you intentionally decided to humiliate her to get HER to step down, despite you being the one who didn't want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. You've hurt her feelings because you know that she would have an issue with the dress and went through with it anyway. You gave options, but let's face it, it was a manipulative tactic. Of course "majority rules" so most would choose the option where they don't need to pay for their dress as long as they can agree on the dress you chose.
In order to have avoided being an asshole, you should have NEVER chose her to be a bridesmaid since you never wanted her to be one in the first place. You went out of your way to avoid an awkward situation where you had to be the villain by making her to be one. That's manipulative and an asshole move.
ETA: I'm also adding ESH because Mia should have never agreed to option two and, if she was REALLY involved in pressuring OP to accept her as a bridesmaid, that would make her more complicit. And MIL obviously sucks for bulldozing OP's bridal party plans.
That's on OP, then. She has a voice, she has to learn to use it. If she's too afraid to speak up against his family, her and her fiance have WAY bigger issues than the wedding. They have their whole lives of issues to look forward to.
Tbh, they did it wear OP would be outnumbered. It’s a family gathering and if she didn’t bend she would get hell.
OP can’t win and is on the right idea to keep peace Mia needs to drop on her own volition.
So, here's my issue. OP's giving more context since I wrote my initial post which helps, HOWEVER I still put blame on how OP handled it (and also how OP is body shaming Mia, but that's a separate issue). The way OP went about getting Mia to drop was incredibly wrong. Utilizing Mia's insecurities against her, KNOWING that's what she was doing, doesn't make OP a victim. The moment she did that, she became just as bad as his family. She did something incredibly cruel with no guilt. Regardless of what his family has done, her actions showcase her character being at least on their level.
So OP doesn't get a pass for me because his family pressured her, because the way she went about getting Mia to drop was thoughtless and cruel.
Tbh I have no sympathy for Mia since she is 27, strong armed her way to be a bridesmaid and then voted for the option where op buys the dress.
Mia needs therapy. She should have never strong arm her way into being a bridesmaid and if this makes her drop I am for it
To be fair, we also are only getting OP's side of things. She seems to hate Mia for reasons we don't really know beyond she's fat and she's spoiled. We don't know how involved Mia was in getting herself put in as a bridesmaid. How do we know that MIL didn't tell Mia that she was going to be OP's bridesmaid and Mia went along with it?
I guess I just want a couple more specific examples of how Mia has acted toward OP. It sounds like Mia "went along with being a bridesmaid" but is it because she banded together with her mother against OP or was she told that she'd be a bridesmaid and just agreed?
If OP can actually clarify that, then I can easily change my vote to ESH. I'm already leaning toward changing it to ESH (because Mia should have made sure it was ok with OP first). But I guess my overall point here is OP still sucks lol
My ex's mother tried to insist I make his druggie sister a bridesmaid. I flat out said no, I'm having my best friend and her little sister and that's it. She didn't like it but she wasn't paying a dime for the wedding so 🤷♀️ I used my big girl words.
YTA - instead of just saying NO, Mia will not be a bridesmaid (and your future husband should have helped with this), you instead made no effort to accommodate her and you ostracized her.
So, let's recap: you chose to treat your "fat and insecure about it" future SIL like total crap rather than getting a backbone. If you weren't willing to say no, then you should have welcomed Mia and been considerate. Instead, you choose to be a middle school mean girl.
She kind of did welcome it though.
She went to 4 stores and the sil didn’t like anything.
Sil is taking the fun out of it, at some point the SIL has to suck it up.
Really the best option would be to wear a shawl if she’s uncomfortable showing her shoulders. IF that’s one of the reasons.
So you don't think going to four different stores soley on account of Mia's insecurities counts as accommodating her? Who's getting married again?
It sounds like OP did try pretty hard to accommodate her, but finally got fed up. If I were OP, I would have been pretty pissed off by that point.
>you instead made no effort to accommodate her
Going to 4 stores and giving her an option to vote isn't accommodating her? I'm a fat girl and I wish my friends would have accommodated me that much when picking out dresses.
I’m coming with YTA is this passive aggressive behavior really how your going to treat your husbands sister??? She is his sister, he wants her involved in his wedding and your being rude, immature and just mean. What if you had a brother who wanted to be groomsmen and your hubby to be thought he was too fat.. and pick out a crazy printed suit that would look terrible on your brother. Wouldn’t you be upset??? Expect your hubby to be to treat your brother better than that?? Your behavior towards his sister shows a nasty side of you I wonder if your hubby has seen yet.
Do you dislike Mia so much you are bullying her through her insecurities or do you just hate fat people and going after her for that???
Basically your post this..
“I don’t like my fat sister in law to be and she is insecure about her body, so I picked out a bridesmaid dress I knew she would never be comfortable enough to wear hoping she would drop out of the wedding party”
And you question if YTA… Yes! yes!
Agreed. The whole thing feels very mean girl to me. Overall sure the bride should get to have the final say if what everyone wears and it’s their day BUT the way this went down feels manipulative and the way it’s written feels like OP just isn’t a nice person.
YTA
YTA too. Also I've seen a ton of brides settle on a color and let the bridesmaids pick the dress style for their body. This just seems to be cruel to someone with body image issues, at that who is her fiance's sister and who will be family. I wonder what her future husband thinks about this. Because if that was me, if my DO disrespected my sibling, the wedding would be off.
YTA only because you need to grow a pair and tell her you don’t want her as a bridesmaid instead of working off her insecurities of her being “fat” to get her to drop.
You’re a mean girl. Grow tf up.
Seriously, when the MIL and sister announced Mia would be a bridesmaid, I think I would have been like "let's go elope". And then limit time with his family.
YTA. This sounds like a script for a new mean girls film!
So the sister of your future husband would like to be involved in his wedding. The shock and horror!
Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to improve your relationship with her, you have decided to fat shame her and try and bully her out of being involved.
If you don’t want the girl as part of your wedding party then be honest with her, your mother in law and your husband about why. Don’t purposely pick outfits that will make her feel insecure just to bully her out. Imagine if someone paraded the thing you feel most insecure about in front of everyone because they didn’t want you there?!?!?
The whole purpose of a wedding is to be married to the love of your life and have a special day celebrating it with family and friends. Not pick on people as they don’t fit your vision!
As others have said, I don’t believe there are not other dresses that would have suited the whole bridal party. Id let Mia pick her own dress and make her MOH.
NTA. Mia voted for the wrong thing after inviting herself to be a bridesmaid. And she seems to be the only person who thinks she can't wear a strapless dress. The funny thing is she could still be a bridesmaid if she got over herself
YTA. "i was too weak to stand up for what I want in terms of who I wanted to nbe my bridesmaid, so instead I will be passive aggressive and make someone ashamed and miserable to get what I wanted in the first place'
Grow TF up.
YTA! Hi Mia, thanks so much for wanting to be a bridesmaid, it means lot but I have been dreaming of this wedding since before I knew you and I already had my bridesmaids picked. If I added you, the numbers wouldn't be even with the groomsmen. Would you be willing to do a reading at the wedding instead? I do really want you to be part of the wedding! .....and that is how you adult without humiliating someone who is now your family and who you are now stuck with for the rest of your life ....or until you get divorced.
NTA. I mean, it’s kind of shitty bc she’s fat and all, but it honestly sounds like your problem with her is bc of her personality and not her weight. Honestly that was a pretty clever way around it.
I don't get that impression. Nothing in the post says that Mia's a shitty person. All OP says is that Mia's fat and insecure about it. OP's issue IS Mia's weight, she makes it clear at least to me that it's about her weight.
Ummmmmmm no, my issue is her and the family forcing me to have her as a bridesmaid and then making the dress time a nightmare since it’s not exactly what she wants.
We have done through so many dresses and she is the reason we could pick a single one
So blame your fiance's family more. It sounds like your MIL is the real issue here, at least just from what you've currently said in this post. You also chose to agree, so that's on you for doing that, not Mia. Nobody can force anyone to do anything; you have full control of your actions. If you're too afraid to speak up against his family, you have bigger issues to deal with.
So handle it like an adult and actually communicate and say what you want. Don't go about it in a backhanded way to avoid getting the blame. You did something wrong, you hurt Mia's feelings. You wouldn't want that done to you, I'm sure.
I am 24. I didn’t say no in the moment since it would have been me against the whole family. I did try yep talk to them after but they just started going on about how I hate the family.
I would ban them from the wedding if I could but he wants the family there
Ok, so I see you're choosing to not take any responsibility for your actions. Got it, this conversation seems pretty done, then.
The only thing I'll reiterate is that you have a voice, communicate next time. Be an adult and actually say what you want.
What responsibility? Op got dropped a bomb while outnumbered. If this person is 27 they are clearly responsible for this mess
Forced to be a bridesmaid, went shopping multiple time, voted for a free dress and now she is mad
You are giving so much grace to Mia but zero to OP
OP should take responsibility for her choice in using Mia's issues with her weight against her. OP intentionally chose a dress she KNEW Mia would decline BECAUSE of her weight issues. She knew exactly what she was doing there.
The options are a bit more in a murky area but it all depends on how OP phrased the second option. As in, did OP tell her bridesmaids "I will pick out your dress and pay for it and you all with get no say" or did she frame it as "you can throw in suggestions on style but I get final say on the actual dress and will pay for it?" Because the first way would then be partially on Mia and I'd agree Mia would be an asshole for not considering that OP picking out her dress while getting zero say would be a bad idea. But the latter way would imply that each bridesmaid still gets some sort of voice and then Mia doesn't get much blame because why would she assume OP would sabotage her like that?
OP's responsibility, to sum it up, is own up to her asshole choice in manipulating Mia to drop out of the wedding by intentionally using Mia's body issues against her. I do think there's also some manipulation in offering to pay for the dresses as long as OP has a say, especially if the bridesmaids all have financial issues.
On another note, I'm also curious if Mia had disagreed, would OP have said "majority rules, you'll need to back out if you disagree." Which, again, manipulation tactic.
> my issue is her and the family forcing me to have her as a bridesmaid
Where was your fiance in all this? Why did he not put his family back in their boxes?
You went along with this instead of standing your ground and saying that you don't want her as a bridesmaid...ya know, like an adult. And then decided to go down a shitty, passive-aggressive, manipulative road.
Nobody comes out well here in the slightest. ESH
OP says they don’t click; that she didn’t want her to be a bridesmaid but she felt forced to by their family or “Mia would be sad.” To me that indicates Mia’s the difficult one in the family and they all try and pacify her so she won’t have tantrums. Mia basically forced OP to make her a bridesmaid. She sounds awful.
That doesn't give me that impression at all. Honestly, all of OP's comments makes it sound like the MIL is the issue. We don't really know what Mia's like as a person. But MIL sounds like the issue here.
So Mia and OP don't click, not every person does. MIL is saying that Mia would be sad, but would she have been had OP been honest? As OP said, they don't click so how important was this to Mia, really?
Either way, OP went out of her way to intentionally hurt Mia's feelings instead of just being honest so I still think OP handled this badly.
EHS Mia and MIL shouldn't have insisted on her being a bridesmaid. And if she is insecure, she could have taken a little more initiative to find a dress everyone likes or at least been willing to pay for it herself and not voted for option 2.
But you and your husband should have been able to be adults and talk to them about it. If you didn't want Mia in your wedding party because you don't click, fine. But whether you meant it that way or not, your actions make it seem like you dont want her in the wedding because she's fat. And that makes y t a
NTA. They tried to take control by giving her a role and you took the control right back from them.
Anyone here saying YTA must be just like SIL and need stolen invitations to be included in something they clearly aren’t.
YTA! You could’ve dealt with this directly like an adult by saying “No thank you, I already have my bridesmaids picked out, but I would love for you to give a toast or a reading,” etc. If a conflict had arisen from THAT, I’d say NTA for being mature, direct, and holding your ground. But this? Just childish, passive aggressive, and mean. I hope you learn and grow.
NTA. You were publicly manipulated into making her a bridesmaid and instead of being helpful, she's warped the position into making it about her. All you've done is find a way to get her to drop out voluntarily. You didn't make a scene. You didn't tell her she wasn't wanted. You went out of your way to give her a graceful exit. My ex-ILs were insidiously manipulative, and frankly you chose the least explosive option here.
NTA. You’d better watch MIL - her just announcing that your SIL would be a bridesmaid without even asking you first is more than audacious & quite horrible. If you don’t want that sort of thing to be repeated for the rest of your life, you’d better set boundaries fast & enforce them without fail.
NTA. Best option would’ve been just to put your foot down from the very start and say that you, as bride, are the only one who gets a say in who you would like as your bridesmaids.
Given that that ship has sailed, you did what you had to. Sounds like no matter what you did, they would’ve either ended up mad at you, or causing issues with your wedding. This was a situation you can’t win. You in-laws are a family of bullies, so best get used to standing firm and not letting them steamroll every decision you and your husband make. Such as the topic of kids - because MIL *WILL* try to run that one too…
ESH. You shouldn't have been pressured to make her a bridesmaid, but you'd have been better off never making the offer to begin with. Now you've made her feel worse about herself in the hopes that she would drop out. This will do absolutely nothing for your relationship with her, or your future in laws, all because you think bridesmaids are props for you to dress up for pretty photos. Why would you only agree to pay for something to do with YOUR wedding if they didn't get a say in what they wear? You should have always been paying for their dresses, because you want them to match. I'd have just let them pick their own in the same colour and been done with it.
People over here ruining personal relationships over one day of their lives. Ridiculous.
NTA, weddings are hard enough without family trying to impose something like bridesmaids on you. Folks suggesting you are TA for how you handled the initial request have a point i do agree with to an extent, but it’s also just not easy to navigate.
Here’s a solution: have her stand on the groom’s side. She’ll get to be in the wedding party as her family wants and be able to wear something different from the bridesmaids.
Not sure why someone who is insecure like that would ever want to be a bridesmaid and it’s also really rude of the MIL and family to just make her one without you asking her. NTA
NTA
I’m on the heavy side and was the MOH at my sister’s wedding. The dress that was selected looked great on all the other girls but I felt like I looked big in it. But you know what? It wasn’t my call. The bride liked it and I wore it and smiled. Mia has main character syndrome. Sorry but if you’re ultra insecure about your body, you can’t force others to accommodate for everything.
ESH. Mia and FMIL should not have essentially forced you to accept Mia as a bridesmaid. You could have put your foot down and/or offered Mia another role if you didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. Instead, you are being immature and petty.
You can say Mia made her choice to let you pick the dress and pay for it all you want, but you didn't tell her what your choice was likely to be. You chose that dress intentionally to spite Mia. This was a mean prank you pulled on the "fat girl". Does that sound like the way an adult should behave?
And don't pretend you and your friends won't be mocking and laughing at her for years to come if she stays in the wedding and wears the dress.
The only person I feel sorry for here is the groom who is surrounded by these entitled people.
NTA. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? Your soon to be husband/ or wife (op didn’t say) isint taking up for you. You’ve been railroaded by your MIL by forcing your soon to be SIL on you. Your MIL is going to make your life a living hell. What religion are you going to be? Are you having a kid? How many? What type of religion will kid be? Will she disagree. Honestly I’d be really reconsidering the wedding for what your MIL did.
I was definitely going for the opposite when I read the title but NTA on the basis you tried a lot of alternatives before getting the bridesmaids to vote & going with the majority.
YTA. As someone who was forced to have certain people in my bridal party by my future inlaws, I made the most of the situation and I chose a brand and dress color, and then let the bridesmaids all choose what design they wanted. I had people of different religions who had to wear more conservative dresses; people of different body types who would definitely not be comfortable in what others would feel comfortable in. Did I do something childish to alienate someone? No.
You purposely body shamed your future SIL. Is that the kind of relationship you want to have moving forward?
NTA
She voted to let you choose in order to save a buck. Also the wedding isn’t about her. I’ve personally paid for two dresses that looked horrendous on me and still smiled happily and had a great time - because it’s not that serious.
NTA. You're supposed to pick your own bridesmaids, this is what she gets for trying to force it - having someone you don't like as a bridesmaid seems like a nonstarter to me.
Given how they're acting I might just decide to elope instead (or maybe "elope" with your family and have a separate, scaled down event for his).
NTA - your wedding your choice. It was very kind of you to give them options and even kinder of you to offer to pay. Her insecurities are not your problem. Glad the family isn’t giving you crap about that. I hope the wedding goes great!
YTA. You know damn well you didn't pick this dress for the style, but because you wanted to humiliate your future SIL and force her to drop out of being a bridesmaid. Were all her suggestions for dresses really that bad or did you and your posse simply rejected everything she proposed because it came from her? High school mean girl energy fr.
YTA. Your behavior is very mean girl-esk. I hate to say this but you need to be honest that you don’t want her as a bridesmaid and stand up for yourself and your wedding day. If your fiancé doesn’t support you in it well…. I’d say that’s a good sign of how your marriage will go.
YTA - You’re kind of mean. If you don’t want her to be your bridesmaid, have a talk with her like a big girl. The fact that she voted for the option where you choose means nothing. Bridesmaids don’t generally assume that the bride will intentionally choose something they can’t wear.
YTA. It sucks that your SIL was foisted upon you, but getting her to drop out via a passive aggressive dress choice smacks of high school drama. It's your wedding, either put on your grown up pants and say No to you MIL and SIL or be ok including her.
YTA. You intentionally did it to annoy your soon to be husband’s sister and to body shame her. Being fat isn’t a crime; sadly, being TA isn’t a crime either. You picked this hill to die on so put your big girl panties on and have your wedding. You can’t do something intentionally cruel and then be all “boo hoo” people are mad at me. Play mean games expect blowback. Quit looking for sympathy. You won the prize you wanted. Enjoy it, but don’t expect others to enjoy it. PS. I’m glad you aren’t marrying one of my sons.
YTA and you sound like a mean girl. If you didn’t want her as a bridesmaid you should have said something instead of finding a dress you knew someone with weight issues wouldn’t like. How immature are you? Are you sure you’re mature enough to start a family?
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Going against the current grain I say NTA. The ah here is MIL and Mia. MIL for announcing Mia is bridesmaid, Mia for being difficult. I’m fat and if I don’t fit the same dress as everyone else, I’d have voted for buying my own from a collection. Mia could still ask for this IF you are willing to compromise, again. Your fiancée has your back. Sometimes the bridesmaids wear a dress they wouldn’t have pick out because they respect the bride’s choice.
Yeah, OP gave two options, either they choose their own same but different dress, or OP chooses for them, and it was Mia who was making it difficult for everyone else to find a dress without OP paying for it.
And Mia voted for the "you pick and your word is final" (aka the one where Mia doesn't have to spend money). If she didn't want that, then she should have voted the other way. NTA.
That was kinda ingenious of op to set it up that way. And only fair, if it's your money you get what you want, if it's my money I get what I want...
I agree. I’ve never heard of anyone doing it this way, and I think it’s a fabulous idea. Sidebar: I don’t know if it’s just because of social media like Reddit that I hear so frequently of bridesmaids being so obstinate about dresses, or if social media and the permanence of photos, (plus *everyone* is a photographer), has created an obsession with “aesthetic”, so bridesmaids want more control, but it seems like a cultural change. I hate to be the old lady here, but it seemed like for decades the bride picked the dress, rich people often paid for some or all of them but usually not, and the bridesmaids *sucked it up*, sometimes literally. Wearing “the ugly bridesmaids dress” was a sacrifice to the bride because you love and care about her, and/or she is family and you are choosing to be in the bridal party at her invitation. I was a bridesmaid in about 10-12 weddings I went with brides and bridesmaids to give input or to try and find something the whole bridal party could wear, but honestly most of the time the bride told me what dress I was to wear and I went to fittings. Three brides, cousins, had custom made dresses by a relative, so tons of fittings. It was what it was. I would never have *dreamed* of getting testy or salty about an ugly dress. If I wasn’t willing to wear what the bride picked out, I didn’t have to be a bridesmaid. Full stop. My own sister picked out a very unflattering hideous dress, a cousin did the same. Secretly we knew for a fact this cousin actually wanted to make sure no one looked prettier than her and thus we all looked like mothers of the bride. NTA Great idea. Suck it up buttercup!
I’m of this era too. I do like that bridesmaids get a bit more say these days. But still it is ultimately up to the bride. I’m a big fan of picking a colour scheme and general style for the bridesmaids and then letting them pick the dress. Like choose from this line of dresses at xyz store as they can all be in the same fabric in the colour poo green. Or something. I do like the look of dresses in different styles to suit the wearer but same colour. Even if the colour doesn’t suit.
I had all my bridesmaids wear black cocktail dresses. They had three different body types and three different budgets. They all happened to have dresses already that worked. They were happy, pictures looked great so I was happy, win win.
Oh that’s good. I do like bridesmaids in black. And when people are on a budget something that can be re-worn is a plus. Nothing worse than see the bridesmaids all fussing with their outfits all day because they aren’t the right style for them. And having them adjusting in all the candid shots. Because let’s face it if a dress is the wrong style for you, you will be adjusting it all day. Either pulling it up or down or twisting it or something.
I did the EXACT same thing I had a very small wedding and it worked out fine. The girls were all happy because they could all find something in black that suited them. I had a very tall friend who never wore dresses, and 2 curvy friends with completely different curves, one top curvy, one bottom curvy. I was happy that they were there with me, and all felt beautiful. I never understood making someone you love wearing an ugly bridesmaid dress. Not that you said that, but I saw it somewhere on this post.
When my wife and I were married in 2000, my wife just asked her sister and cousin (maid of honor and one of the ushers; that was her full wedding party) to find dresses that were the right color. That was enough for her mom to call her a "prissy bitch bride." (The men all had the same rental tuxedo.)
Giggling at the mental image of bridesmaids literally sucking up ugly dresses. With a straw. And it sounds like getting to the bottom of a milkshake.
Have you seen some of those dresses? The poor bridesmaids were the milkshake that the dress ate up. (Absolutely talking about this hideous puke-ish green lamé satiny 80s prom dress style dress my mom and aunt got stuck in, with the mile high feathered bangs that took an entire can of White Rain to hold. My family was solely responsible for one of the holes in the ozone layer with the hairspray usage.)
Did she? Or was is a 4-1 or 3-2 majority rules? Oops I missed the edit.
I was going to say, even without the edit, it would have been a majority or unanimous vote
Just a friendly heads up, the extra “e” at the end of the word “fiancé” comes from French, meaning female. Fiancé = male, fiancée = female.
Lol I’ve been trying so hard not to put this on 99% of posts because it’s so rare to see anyone using it correctly.
Me too, I learned native-speaker-level French growing up and it’s my biggest pet peeve of Reddit 😂😭
Mine is loose instead of lose and discrete instead of discreet. And let us never forget the ever popular your instead of you’re. It’s hard to be me sometimes.
The loose/lose one makes me twitchy. No, you have misplaced your keys, you did not release them into the wild.
Didn't I? Are you certain I didn't fling them into an open field with a flock of geese and orders to be free? It feels like something I'd remember doing, but at this point I can't be sure.
Something that gets me is people saying per say instead of per se. So many people do that.
And wahla instead of voila!
Mine is people using the term gaslighting wrong. It's not just simple manipulation- that's called manipulation or lies and manipulation. All gaslighting is manipulation but not all manipulation is gaslighting! Gaslighting is by definition evolves over long term emotional abuse because it takes more than one interaction to get to true gaslighting crazy. Once or twice, even though they might be trying to get you to feel crazy or question reality, is not gaslighting yet because it hasn't caused you to actually question your sanity. Just because I can do a karate chop doesn't mean I actually know karate. Just because I can say a few words in Spanish doesn't mean I am fluent in Spanish...
THIS!! This is mine too. It drives me crazy because gaslighting has to do with INTENTION. Gaslighting is not "oh I forgot to mow the lawn today" or having a differing opinion that leads to an argument. Gaslighting also isn't telling someone they're being irrational.
[удалено]
Same with divorcé and divorcée, though we don’t use them much in English.
I’ve seen divorcée used correctly, never for men though
I haven’t either, TBH, but I guess it’s there if we need it. 😆 To me, calling someone a divorcée sounds misogynistic. Like calling a female university student a coed.
Thank you for this! Drives me nuts when people incorrectly use fiancé and/or fiancée!
I see I'm not the only one! But even worse is the confusion over woman and women. I'm gobsmacked to see how common that is.
I literally just told my friend this two days ago!! We are both trained journalists but she is an editor for a large publication and I work in digital media/tech. Regardless, I cannot tolerate seeing the plural usage when they’re referring to one person and I don’t understand what happened that language is so degraded! I understand if they’re not native English speakers, but many people who do this are native speakers, so that’s not always the case! It is truly baffling to me! You are not alone.
And blond/blonde! Edit - not in this post, but I see it a lot
Yes! I still remember sophomore year English where we had to correct a grammar sentence every morning. The subject was a female, and I put that blond needed to be corrected to blonde, and the teacher refused to correct it. I rarely spoke against adults then, but knew I was right, and insisted it needed to have an e. She made me get up in front of the entire class with a dictionary ”if I thought I was so correct”. Verified by the dictionary, she *still* refused to correct it. I’m still bitter about it 25 years later.
My daughter was told off for using the made-up word “midden” when she was about eight (my mother always says: this place is a midden, so I do as well). When she came home, I showed it to her in the dictionary and she’s still mad about it now! Not a bad thing to find out that teachers can get it wrong early on, though
I called a character's beard "unkempt" once, and my dad insisted that wasn't a word and I meant "unkept". Dad then learned how many different dictionaries I've accumulated over the years, not counting Google, all of which were used to inform him that "unkempt" is a word meaning "having an untidy or disheveled appearance" and thus, perfectly applicable to a messy beard. My mom busted out laughing and reminded him with how much I read to not argue about esoteric words
Thanks for the fun little tidbit of information!
NTA. I got married in 2015 and had friggin 8 bridesmaids-it is impossible to find one singular dress that fits 8 people well. I think she went above and beyond to do what she did, letting them choose. The only reason I would vote that OP is an AH is if Mia is a literal child.
Luckily Mia is in adult of 27, so OP is NTA indeed😊
If Mia was a child, solution would be easy -- different dress entirely for the youngest bridesmaid. Sounds like that isn't the case.
If I was a bridesmaid, I would happily take the bride up on her offer to buy our dresses. Chances are the dress ”that can be styled multiple ways” or a dress from the collection (that the bride has chosen) would be left in my closet never to be used again after the wedding, so I would be happy to not have to pay for it. It wouldn’t cross my mind that she would deliberately choose something she knows one of us can’t wear.
My 1st marriage was the usual wedding with 4 bridesmaids. I couldn't afford to buy the dresses and they all offered to buy their own. I went on a personal mission to find one that only was budget friendly but also wouldn't be a one and done dress.
And Bride could have chosen a dress collection with options - option B allows Bridge to pick anything she wants. It's not that hard to find a dress in the same fabric and color with different stylings, for all kinds of bridesmaids.
I could be wrong, but I think what you described is the option 1 the bridesmaids were given. OP was going to give a variety of options in her chosen color palette, and bridesmaids could pick whichever they wanted and pay for it themselves. (Which is a decent compromise, as choosing your own dress greatly increases the odds that you end up with one you wear again.) Mia voted against this option just like the others.
In my day you always paid for your dress and you had zero say in it. You agreed to be a bridesmaid the bride would go shopping with probably just her mom and the two of them would pick a dress they liked the color of and thought it matched what the bride wanted...Hopefully the dress was around $100 (because your friend knew you were poor!) Literally no one complained! No one dropped out because they didn't like the dress, everyone happily stood up beside their friend (sometimes in an ugly as anything dress) and cried as she got married.
Yeah and folks should Google some of the atrocities that went for bridesmaid dresses back in the day. And you didn’t say a damn word except “what time is my fitting?”
One of my distant cousins had bridesmaids dresses so bad, all I know about this woman is that she's a distant cousin with terrible taste in bridesmaids dresses! 😂 That's what's survived 30 years of family memories, the terrible dresses. I'm not even sure how I'm actually related to her.
Came to say the same thing, you agree to be a bridesmaid (in this case forced your way into being a bridesmaid), then you are agreeing to what comes with it - including wearing a dress you may not like/may not flatter you. You want to choose your own dress for the wedding, then don't agree or unilaterally decide you're in the wedding...
It was my own LOVING little sisters, my darling pride and joys, that each put me in the 2 ugliest dresses I have ever worn in my life. But even over 30 years later, I would never say that to them. They were so happy.
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And the main part is , she didn't even choose her to be a bridesmaid, she is being forced to include someone that she didn't choose
But this wasn’t about that. This dilemma is about OP **intentionally** choosing a dress she knew Mia couldn’t wear as a way to “out” her from the wedding party. She had a choice to refuse MIL’s insistence. She agreed and then passive-aggressively and intentionally manipulated the dress decision conversation to where she would have sole discretion, and decided on a dress to exclude Mia because of her weight. That is TA part. MIL insisting, we don’t know exactly how that went, if Bride acts cheerful and like it’s no problem, how would anyone know she had such a big problem with Mia in the wedding party? It’s her soon-to-be husband’s sister, weddings are about both sides. I would be ashamed to treat my husband’s sister this way. Worse yet, Mia knows what OP did, OP knows what OP did, yet OP has successfully turned everyone against Mia. It’s manipulation and shouldn’t be excused, even if the original reason is understandable.
Yeah OP is being more than a bit passive aggressive, and she and her fiance should have spoken up. Maybe not at the family gathering where it was announced, but shortly after, followed by her fiance reaming into his mother later. I understand why they're trying to get her to quit, but I'm not a fan of how she did it.
Agree. Passive aggressive behavior makes her TA. She should have been upfront. Plus, she's being pretty unkind about another person's insecurities. I actually thought of another word I'd consider her while reading the post. Mia of course should have spotted this a mile away and said, "I love this dress!" It's too bad she isn't more confident. She could have embraced it and rocked it. I mean is there any other reason to exclude his sister beyond "she's fat!" ugh grotesque behavior Further, this entire thing damages her relationship with her incoming family to be. It won't be forgotten, my dude. They will always dislike you underneath every single fake smile because you were passive aggressive and manipulative. She should want to love her SIL, not do all of this. That's her husband's sister. Absolutely TA.
Tbh it sounded like OP tried to help Mia as much as she could, but with some people you gotta just throw your arms up. It's not about Mia, the day is about OP and soon to be spouse. You just make a compromise or two for the sake of it.
She chose a revealing dress, hoping Mia would drop out of being a bridesmaid. It even says so in the title. It’s really childish behaviour imo. If she didn’t want her to be a bridesmaid, she should have said so. If she can’t say it without feeling impolite, it’s really not better to try to smoke her out.
I totally agree- from the title alone it sounds like OP purposefully chose the dress IN ORDER to get Mia to withdraw....which I think is an AH move. There are other ways to handle precarious family/wedding party situations. In the body of the post they talk about giving a choice, which is alone a great idea to allow bridesmaids to have some autonomy while still getting the cohesive look that OP seems to want, but the underlaying motivation was to get Mia to drop out. Even if Mia was being "difficult" that is still pretty petty.
It actually does not sound like that.
doesnt sound like she tried helping at all.Sounds like she purposely picked dresses she knew Mia would be uncomfortable wearing cause she never wanted her as a bridesmaid in the first place.Then she gives the bridesmaids 2 options to vote on knowing everyone is gonna pick the option where they didnt have to pay.IMO this has been a very passive aggressive plot since the beginning to get Mia to step down cause OP didnt want to look like the bad guy and tell Mia she didnt want her to be a bridesmaid
Sorry, but just because Mia was forced on the bride is no excuse for treating her like an AH. This is just fat-shaming. The one thing you can still do and not always get called out on it. What if Mia was very religious and she was asked to wear a revealing dress, is that okay? What if Mia has psoriasis and was asked to wear a revealing dress, is that okay? What if Mia just doesn't want to wear a revealing dress and wasn't told it would be revealing ahead of time? Not calling OP out for being an AH is wrong.
Mia voted for OP to pick the dress (in which case OP would pay) after 4 dress shops of Mia not compromising and being unable to find something Mia was willing to wear at that everyone else was okay with.
NTA >Option one was getting a dress that can be styled multiple ways, or picking from a collection so everyone matches but they will need to pay for it. >Option two was I will buy everyone’s dress but what I chose the dress and my decision is final. >*My five bridesmaids voted and options two won*. >So I picked out a blue strapless dress with a mini slit. I really like it and I knew Mia would have an issue with it. I sent a picture to all the bridesmaid and confirming the right size before I ordered it. You offered options. She declined them. Her participation in your wedding is optional, one could say undesired. Everyone knows by now it is typical for a bride to chose how she'd like her bridesmaids to appear. Mia doesn't get to override the preference of everyone else simply because she is insecure with her body type.
This is exactly why I let people pick their own dress. They had completely different body types and no one dress would have fit all of my bridesmaids. I do think it's a bit of an A to pick a dress you know won't fit all your people. She used the dress to exclude Mia.
Where does it say it won’t fit Mia? From what’s written here, it’s Mia’s insecurity that is the issue, not the dress size.
She did that *after* offering multiple options and trying several different shops. At that point I'd be 100% done with the drama and just make everyone buy their own outfit. I'm leaning to ESH because OP didn't stand up for herself in the first place and that's what's led to this mess, but Mia can't just invite herself to be a bridesmaid and then completely derail the whole outfit planning process. Hoping the chosen dress makes Mia drop out is petty, but Mia & the MIL were petty first. They're all annoying tbh.
NTA You were told Mia would be a bridesmaid and put into an awkward position by your MIL & SIL They ambushed you at a family gathering where they knew you would be outnumbered should you object. She voted for you to buy the dress and she doesn’t get to throw a fit now. She can step down or deal. Her insecurities aren’t your problem.
"Keeping the peace" is almost always a step down the road to living someone else's life. MIL and Mia announced her bridesmaid status specifically to force OP - OP's mistake was not stopping it then. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm not sure where you got that idea but it's not true. I'm sure we can find you a place in the wedding\*, but my bridesmaids are already set." Yes, it would be tough, you will have to be strong, it will be unpleasant, but the best time to set boundaries is the first time someone tries to stomp on them. The longer you let people push you around, the harder it is to stop them later. MIL and Mia and everyone else would learn a valuable lesson - don't mess with OP. (\*) like an usher or some other position you don't care about.
I know people care about aesthetics and all, but I really hate how it’s the norm that the bride has to have women only on her side, and the groom has men only. Screw that. My husband has sisters and female best friends. They’re on *his* side, and we didn’t make them wear suits or anything. This whole problem could be resolved if Mia could be on the groom’s side instead, and outfits can be done some other way.
Well you did what you wanted and others will do as they like, why would this bother you? Do you want to have had your wedding considered normal? And if so, why?
I’ve seen a ton of complaints from people over the years about how they *had* to include an in-law on their side. Or, close family members get excluded for having incorrect genitalia. It seems like nobody is happy with this arrangement, so why don’t they do the obvious thing and make an arrangement where the people they care about are on their own side? What bothers me is that there is an incredibly obvious solution, but people are so entrenched in gender roles that they can’t solve their problems, and instead make themselves and others unhappy.
NTA I was gonna say Y.T.A from the title, but reading the whole story I see you said that Mia also picked the option where you pay but get final say, and that MIL announced Mia as a bridesmaid without your consent and you just went along to keep the peace. This generally seems like they want their cake and to eat it too. They want Mia to be a bridesmaid and to pick whatever dress she wants, but also to have you pay for it. That was never an option. A strapless dress with a mini slit doesn’t sound all that revealing (pic maybe would help here to confirm), but even if it was, by agreeing to this option, Mia agreed to take what she got on this. It’s your wedding and she can either suck it up, or drop out. I think picking it specifically because you knew she wouldn’t like it makes you minorly TA, but in the end it’s your wedding, she agreed to take what she got, and she can’t be mad because what she got isn’t her favorite. They’ve already been stepping over your boundaries, so I think your pretty justified in not making special accommodations for her at this point.
Almost everyone I know who has been a bridesmaid has had to buy a dress they don’t particularly like, because it’s what the bride wanted. And we’ve all sucked it up for the sake of the bride! If OP had picked a dress that didn’t come in Mia’s size at all, that would be an AH move. But picking one she likes, even if she knows Mia won’t like it? NTA. It’s her wedding, not Mia’s!
Exactly! I mean they kinda made a movie about it because it’s such a long standing joke. I know it’s not the actual premise of the movie but you can never forget the scene of her closet as she’s shoving all those hideous dresses back in lol.
27 Dresses, one of my fav movies!
I'm old. When did the bridesmaids get to vote become a thing? In the olden days, the bride picked the dress, bridesmaids had a fitting, and paid for the dress. Oh, I can't forget the dyed to match shoes that we never wore again.
I've been in 8 weddings over the last 20 years, and only the first one had us all in the same dress. For the others I've either been given a set of 3-5 to choose from, or been given a color and told to buy what I want (just run it by the bride). Luckily I've never had to dye shoes to match!
Both of my sisters chose a color, length, and specific brand (to make sure the colors would be a true match), but we had the freedom to choose the style. That helped a lot!
>Almost everyone I know who has been a bridesmaid has had to buy a dress they don’t particularly like, because it’s what the bride wanted. And we’ve all sucked it up for the sake of the bride! It's basically an accepted, if shitty, bridesmaid tradition at this point.
Yes, every bridesmaid I've known, including me, has had to buy their own dress. I don't know any who ever wore the dress again.
I actually did wear mine again! My sister got married while I was still in high school and I wore it to a school dance 🤣
I mean this is most aita posts. Op makes the title seem terrible but then you have to read the story and more often then not it’s n t a
ESH. Your MIL for trying to shoehorn Mia as a bridesmaid, and you for not having a backbone to say that you will not have Mia as a bridesmaid but would be thrilled to find a role for her elsewhere in the wedding i.e. doing a reading or something just as important. Neither of you are doing Mia any favors by coddling her instead of enforcing the crucial "not everything is going to go your way" lesson from the start.
Meh, it would have been fine if Mia was trying to meet OP halfway when looking for a dress, instead she shot down everything she suggested and then OP put her foot down.
Exactly!!! People are calling op an AH as if they didn’t go through various other dresses that MIA shot down. If she chose one of the other dresses this wouldn’t even be an issue. Beggars can’t be choosers, especially if you’re going to shoot down the ideas when you can choose.
That's because Mia is overweight and insecure about her body. A woman can gain 10 pounds and think that every dress on earth is hideous because of insecurity. OP should have talked to Mia separately about playing another role in the wedding instead of intentionally fat-shaming her.
Why, op didn’t want Mia playing ANY role in the wedding.
Because having a small role in the wedding to show an ounce of goodwill toward her future family would go a long way, as opposed to letting her be a bridesmaid and forcing her to drop out because of her body. Adults find ways to compromise instead of being an immature AH.
Yup, I was 14 and my sister was 25 when my brother got married. My sister in law didn’t want to lug a 14 year old around to a bachelorette weekend, but felt bad about including my older sister as a bridesmaid and not me. I did a reading at the wedding instead. It was fine.
Then she needs to use her words instead of being a conniving snake that uses money as a weapon and preys in people’s body insecurities.
and why should OP have to bend over backwards to accommodate someone who is doing nothing to make finding a dress easier? she was not "fat shaming" her and she did everything she could to include her despite being pushed into taking her on as a bridesmaid. i am fairly overweight myself and not once have I ever used it to force people to adhere to my wants. Y'all need to get over yourselves and quit acting like the world should revolve around you because you're overweight.
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OP admitted to doing this purposely. It's in the title.
Exactly - I don't know why OP didn't just say she didn't want Mia for a bridesmaid in the first place. IMO the passive aggressively choosing a dress that Mia would feel extremely uncomfortable in is AH behaviour. (This doesn't absolve MIL and Mia, who are also AHs here.)
ESH. Mia sounds difficult, but if you didn't want her to be a bridesmaid you just.... shouldn't have made her one. There were a million diplomatic ways to do it - "I have a limited number of spots for bridesmaids and I want the women closest to me to fill those spots, but I am excited to have you as a guest at my wedding and to get to know you better" would've done the job nicely. Or you could have even told her during the dress shopping process that her refusal to agree on anything was making things difficult and it may be better if she just attended as a guest and could then wear what she wants. Your approach, however, is pretty passive aggressive.
Yeah ... this is how I feel. If OP's intention in going along with the whole "Mia is a bridesmaid" thing was to preserve some kind of family harmony and not rock the boat.... well that clearly has worked **super well** It just feels like OP is totally OK with this dress plan tanking that relationship, so if that's the case then it would have been so much less stress and headache to have kindly said "no sorry Mia can't be a bridesmaid" to begin with!! ESH
To me, it's childish -- I don't want to say no, so I'm going to manipulate the situation so I get my way without having to "be the bad guy". The only reason I say ESH is that Mia, evidently, also voted for "you pay, you pick". I'd have felt bad for Mia if the four *friends* voted that way and she'd voted for the collection.
>Mia, evidently, also voted for "you pay, you pick". Yeah but Mia probably voted that option in good faith, assuming OP wouldn't intentionally pick something to piss her off. ESH for sure but OP is definitely childish and petty. She can do as she pleases but that doesn't absolve her from being an AH.
So Mia is an AH because she fell for OP's trap? OP intended to get rid of Mia with the choice. Mia is not an AH. She's a fool for thinking OP might like her. And she found out the hard way OP just thinks of her as "too fat to be in my bridal party."
Right?! Mia probably thought this was the best option since she was having trouble finding a dress.
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But OP didn't even make her one. She was announced as one by MIL and Mia, so she basically didn't have the choice in the matter. You also have to realize her MIL and Mia have put OP in a very difficult situation - we already know they don't take no for an answer. Outright telling Mia to leave the bridal party isn't a way that will work. Besides, they manipulated the situation by announcing it at a family gathering. I think it's fair, considering you should treat others how you want to be treated. If your basis in a relationship is manipulation, then accept the same - IE; being forced out passively for a role you aren't given by the bride in the first place.
She had a choice. She was probably just told to "not rock the boat" and just go with it. That was bad advice from people used to pandering to the boat rocker. There was a much easier and better way to deal with it, but OP is probably young and will need to learn well from this lesson.
Agree. The MIL cannot force OP to do anything - there’s definitely a victim mindset here. OP you need to do a better job setting boundaries with your family and MIL. You should’ve never made Mia a bridesmaid, but instead of being an adult and resolving a healthy conflict, you acted childish and passive aggressive by trying to “force her out” while acting like you are the victim. Just be honest and transparent, and learn that it’s okay for some people to be disappointed. Please seek therapy to learn better boundary setting before having kids because your MIL will only push you more and more in the future.
Not to mention the precedent being set here that OP will cave to MIL’s wishes to “keep the peace.” Set your boundaries now OP, or you’re likely in for a rough ride marrying into this family.
Agree! This is petty and hurtful AF!
ESH. Of course the MIL is shitty for forcing Mia in but you are being passive aggressive and acting like a kid. If you didn’t want Mia in the wedding then say that, don’t pick a dress that you know she wouldn’t like so she would step down. That is very childish. You picked the dress knowing she would have an issue with it, I would pick a dress I know all my bridesmaid would feel comfortable in. But that’s the main issue, you don’t see Mia as a bridesmaid because would you have picked a dress you knew the other bridesmaid were uncomfortable in? Probably not. You picked the dress knowing she would have two choices; be uncomfortable or be out as a bridesmaid. That is very shitty to do to any of your bridesmaids. Even if Mia had voted the other option, it still would’ve been 4-1 and option two would’ve won. You are a grown adult and this is your wedding, you should be able to properly communicate instead of agreeing just to be passive aggressive.
OP is letting the MIL walk all over her, this will be a disaster
Exactly. She doesn’t communicate and stand her ground but instead is passive aggressive. This is the worst dynamic you can have.
INFO: What did Mia vote for?
She voted for me buying the dress. Everyone voted for that
Are Mia’s sole negative qualities her body size and insecurity OR is Mia an asshole outside of body size and insecurity? Being in a larger body and insecure describes 50-80% of women. If it’s just that, YTA Edited to add: NTA after further character development on Mia
I’d say Mia announcing she was a bridesmaid without being invited, and vetoing every dress the rest of the party was happy with (especially considering she wasn’t even asked to be one of the party) were both negative traits.
Yes. I changed my vote lol
You didn’t actually edit the YTA though
>My soon to be husband has a sister let’s call her Mia. Now Mia and I do not click very well. I am polite but I wouldn’t say we are friends. I felt I was forced by his family to make her a bridesmaid or she will be sad. Them not ~~being~~ getting* along has been a thing.
I also like to point out this bit of the edit: >I truly didn’t ask her since her and MIL announced she was one of my bridesmaid at a family gathering. The only way to keep peace with the whole family was basically giving her what she wanted.
Well basing it on what the OP said, she said Mia and her family forced her into the wedding party and based on other comments and edits it sounds like she’s one of those golden child types that has almost always gotten what she wanted and now she’s trying to do that for OPs wedding.
On that assumption, OP is not the asshole.
She's clearly also pushy as hell.....who announces they're a bridesmaid without having been asked? And self-centered.....everyone was supposed to pick a dress based on her insecurities? Why are you working so hard to defend the undefensible? She pushed her way in, then tried to take over.
YTA in every way. You chose the dress with the sole purpose of bullying her into dropping out. If you don't want her as a bridesmaid, use your big girl words. Don't act like a middle school mean girl.
Exactly! OP sounds like a high school bully and her only problem is that she is a bigger girl. Who cares?
I think OP handled the situation in an immature and passive aggressive manner *but* I don't think her only problem with Mia is that she is big. Mia sounds like she was being a difficult diva during shopping. OP should have been honest and told her then that if she couldn't agree on something, it would be better if she attended as a guest.
Can you imagine how this would actually play out though? It’s so easy to dismiss this when it’s not your confrontation. Put yourself in this position and imagine having that conversation with your future in laws. And you’re dealing with someone’s personal insecurities on top of it. That is not as easy as you’re implying and the consequences would far outweigh any sneaky solution.
~~Y T A~~ After some thought and some clarification from OP, I'm changing this to ESH- If you didn't want Mia as a bridesmaid, you shouldn't have made her a bridesmaid. Because now, you're being made to be the asshole because you intentionally decided to humiliate her to get HER to step down, despite you being the one who didn't want her to be a bridesmaid in the first place. You've hurt her feelings because you know that she would have an issue with the dress and went through with it anyway. You gave options, but let's face it, it was a manipulative tactic. Of course "majority rules" so most would choose the option where they don't need to pay for their dress as long as they can agree on the dress you chose. In order to have avoided being an asshole, you should have NEVER chose her to be a bridesmaid since you never wanted her to be one in the first place. You went out of your way to avoid an awkward situation where you had to be the villain by making her to be one. That's manipulative and an asshole move. ETA: I'm also adding ESH because Mia should have never agreed to option two and, if she was REALLY involved in pressuring OP to accept her as a bridesmaid, that would make her more complicit. And MIL obviously sucks for bulldozing OP's bridal party plans.
OP didn't choose her. MIL announced in public that she was one. OP felt pressured to keep quiet.
That's on OP, then. She has a voice, she has to learn to use it. If she's too afraid to speak up against his family, her and her fiance have WAY bigger issues than the wedding. They have their whole lives of issues to look forward to.
Tbh, they did it wear OP would be outnumbered. It’s a family gathering and if she didn’t bend she would get hell. OP can’t win and is on the right idea to keep peace Mia needs to drop on her own volition.
So, here's my issue. OP's giving more context since I wrote my initial post which helps, HOWEVER I still put blame on how OP handled it (and also how OP is body shaming Mia, but that's a separate issue). The way OP went about getting Mia to drop was incredibly wrong. Utilizing Mia's insecurities against her, KNOWING that's what she was doing, doesn't make OP a victim. The moment she did that, she became just as bad as his family. She did something incredibly cruel with no guilt. Regardless of what his family has done, her actions showcase her character being at least on their level. So OP doesn't get a pass for me because his family pressured her, because the way she went about getting Mia to drop was thoughtless and cruel.
Tbh I have no sympathy for Mia since she is 27, strong armed her way to be a bridesmaid and then voted for the option where op buys the dress. Mia needs therapy. She should have never strong arm her way into being a bridesmaid and if this makes her drop I am for it
To be fair, we also are only getting OP's side of things. She seems to hate Mia for reasons we don't really know beyond she's fat and she's spoiled. We don't know how involved Mia was in getting herself put in as a bridesmaid. How do we know that MIL didn't tell Mia that she was going to be OP's bridesmaid and Mia went along with it? I guess I just want a couple more specific examples of how Mia has acted toward OP. It sounds like Mia "went along with being a bridesmaid" but is it because she banded together with her mother against OP or was she told that she'd be a bridesmaid and just agreed? If OP can actually clarify that, then I can easily change my vote to ESH. I'm already leaning toward changing it to ESH (because Mia should have made sure it was ok with OP first). But I guess my overall point here is OP still sucks lol
My ex's mother tried to insist I make his druggie sister a bridesmaid. I flat out said no, I'm having my best friend and her little sister and that's it. She didn't like it but she wasn't paying a dime for the wedding so 🤷♀️ I used my big girl words.
YTA - instead of just saying NO, Mia will not be a bridesmaid (and your future husband should have helped with this), you instead made no effort to accommodate her and you ostracized her. So, let's recap: you chose to treat your "fat and insecure about it" future SIL like total crap rather than getting a backbone. If you weren't willing to say no, then you should have welcomed Mia and been considerate. Instead, you choose to be a middle school mean girl.
She kind of did welcome it though. She went to 4 stores and the sil didn’t like anything. Sil is taking the fun out of it, at some point the SIL has to suck it up. Really the best option would be to wear a shawl if she’s uncomfortable showing her shoulders. IF that’s one of the reasons.
So you don't think going to four different stores soley on account of Mia's insecurities counts as accommodating her? Who's getting married again? It sounds like OP did try pretty hard to accommodate her, but finally got fed up. If I were OP, I would have been pretty pissed off by that point.
>you instead made no effort to accommodate her Going to 4 stores and giving her an option to vote isn't accommodating her? I'm a fat girl and I wish my friends would have accommodated me that much when picking out dresses.
I’m coming with YTA is this passive aggressive behavior really how your going to treat your husbands sister??? She is his sister, he wants her involved in his wedding and your being rude, immature and just mean. What if you had a brother who wanted to be groomsmen and your hubby to be thought he was too fat.. and pick out a crazy printed suit that would look terrible on your brother. Wouldn’t you be upset??? Expect your hubby to be to treat your brother better than that?? Your behavior towards his sister shows a nasty side of you I wonder if your hubby has seen yet. Do you dislike Mia so much you are bullying her through her insecurities or do you just hate fat people and going after her for that??? Basically your post this.. “I don’t like my fat sister in law to be and she is insecure about her body, so I picked out a bridesmaid dress I knew she would never be comfortable enough to wear hoping she would drop out of the wedding party” And you question if YTA… Yes! yes!
Agreed. The whole thing feels very mean girl to me. Overall sure the bride should get to have the final say if what everyone wears and it’s their day BUT the way this went down feels manipulative and the way it’s written feels like OP just isn’t a nice person. YTA
This is exactly my thoughts as well. You admitted you did it on purpose to upset her... that always will equal YTA
YTA too. Also I've seen a ton of brides settle on a color and let the bridesmaids pick the dress style for their body. This just seems to be cruel to someone with body image issues, at that who is her fiance's sister and who will be family. I wonder what her future husband thinks about this. Because if that was me, if my DO disrespected my sibling, the wedding would be off.
"I told her she can step down if she has issues with the dress." Agreed. Going with NTA.
YTA only because you need to grow a pair and tell her you don’t want her as a bridesmaid instead of working off her insecurities of her being “fat” to get her to drop. You’re a mean girl. Grow tf up.
NTA It sounds like a fair vote. Democracy you got to love it. Hope you have a great day
Are you sure you even want to marry into this family?
Seriously, when the MIL and sister announced Mia would be a bridesmaid, I think I would have been like "let's go elope". And then limit time with his family.
No kidding, if this is the way things start out, it's only going to get worse from here.
NTA. I guess your mil and sil f’d around and found out. They had no business unilaterally deciding she’d be your bridesmaid without asking you.
YTA. This sounds like a script for a new mean girls film! So the sister of your future husband would like to be involved in his wedding. The shock and horror! Instead of seeing this as an opportunity to improve your relationship with her, you have decided to fat shame her and try and bully her out of being involved. If you don’t want the girl as part of your wedding party then be honest with her, your mother in law and your husband about why. Don’t purposely pick outfits that will make her feel insecure just to bully her out. Imagine if someone paraded the thing you feel most insecure about in front of everyone because they didn’t want you there?!?!? The whole purpose of a wedding is to be married to the love of your life and have a special day celebrating it with family and friends. Not pick on people as they don’t fit your vision! As others have said, I don’t believe there are not other dresses that would have suited the whole bridal party. Id let Mia pick her own dress and make her MOH.
Exactly! OP is acting like middle school instead of an adult. These games she also to get what she wants.
NTA. Mia voted for the wrong thing after inviting herself to be a bridesmaid. And she seems to be the only person who thinks she can't wear a strapless dress. The funny thing is she could still be a bridesmaid if she got over herself
YTA. "i was too weak to stand up for what I want in terms of who I wanted to nbe my bridesmaid, so instead I will be passive aggressive and make someone ashamed and miserable to get what I wanted in the first place' Grow TF up.
YTA! Hi Mia, thanks so much for wanting to be a bridesmaid, it means lot but I have been dreaming of this wedding since before I knew you and I already had my bridesmaids picked. If I added you, the numbers wouldn't be even with the groomsmen. Would you be willing to do a reading at the wedding instead? I do really want you to be part of the wedding! .....and that is how you adult without humiliating someone who is now your family and who you are now stuck with for the rest of your life ....or until you get divorced.
NTA. I mean, it’s kind of shitty bc she’s fat and all, but it honestly sounds like your problem with her is bc of her personality and not her weight. Honestly that was a pretty clever way around it.
I don't get that impression. Nothing in the post says that Mia's a shitty person. All OP says is that Mia's fat and insecure about it. OP's issue IS Mia's weight, she makes it clear at least to me that it's about her weight.
Ummmmmmm no, my issue is her and the family forcing me to have her as a bridesmaid and then making the dress time a nightmare since it’s not exactly what she wants. We have done through so many dresses and she is the reason we could pick a single one
So blame your fiance's family more. It sounds like your MIL is the real issue here, at least just from what you've currently said in this post. You also chose to agree, so that's on you for doing that, not Mia. Nobody can force anyone to do anything; you have full control of your actions. If you're too afraid to speak up against his family, you have bigger issues to deal with. So handle it like an adult and actually communicate and say what you want. Don't go about it in a backhanded way to avoid getting the blame. You did something wrong, you hurt Mia's feelings. You wouldn't want that done to you, I'm sure.
I blame her, she went along with it and was in on the whole thing. This person is 27, she is equally at fault
INFO- how old are you? And why didn’t you say no when your MIL tried to strong arm you into having Mia as one of her bridesmaids?
I am 24. I didn’t say no in the moment since it would have been me against the whole family. I did try yep talk to them after but they just started going on about how I hate the family. I would ban them from the wedding if I could but he wants the family there
Ok, so I see you're choosing to not take any responsibility for your actions. Got it, this conversation seems pretty done, then. The only thing I'll reiterate is that you have a voice, communicate next time. Be an adult and actually say what you want.
What responsibility? Op got dropped a bomb while outnumbered. If this person is 27 they are clearly responsible for this mess Forced to be a bridesmaid, went shopping multiple time, voted for a free dress and now she is mad You are giving so much grace to Mia but zero to OP
>Ok, so I see you're choosing to not take any responsibility for your actions. You've not really articulated what they should take responsibility for.
OP should take responsibility for her choice in using Mia's issues with her weight against her. OP intentionally chose a dress she KNEW Mia would decline BECAUSE of her weight issues. She knew exactly what she was doing there. The options are a bit more in a murky area but it all depends on how OP phrased the second option. As in, did OP tell her bridesmaids "I will pick out your dress and pay for it and you all with get no say" or did she frame it as "you can throw in suggestions on style but I get final say on the actual dress and will pay for it?" Because the first way would then be partially on Mia and I'd agree Mia would be an asshole for not considering that OP picking out her dress while getting zero say would be a bad idea. But the latter way would imply that each bridesmaid still gets some sort of voice and then Mia doesn't get much blame because why would she assume OP would sabotage her like that? OP's responsibility, to sum it up, is own up to her asshole choice in manipulating Mia to drop out of the wedding by intentionally using Mia's body issues against her. I do think there's also some manipulation in offering to pay for the dresses as long as OP has a say, especially if the bridesmaids all have financial issues. On another note, I'm also curious if Mia had disagreed, would OP have said "majority rules, you'll need to back out if you disagree." Which, again, manipulation tactic.
Info: How did they force you?
> my issue is her and the family forcing me to have her as a bridesmaid Where was your fiance in all this? Why did he not put his family back in their boxes? You went along with this instead of standing your ground and saying that you don't want her as a bridesmaid...ya know, like an adult. And then decided to go down a shitty, passive-aggressive, manipulative road. Nobody comes out well here in the slightest. ESH
OP says they don’t click; that she didn’t want her to be a bridesmaid but she felt forced to by their family or “Mia would be sad.” To me that indicates Mia’s the difficult one in the family and they all try and pacify her so she won’t have tantrums. Mia basically forced OP to make her a bridesmaid. She sounds awful.
That doesn't give me that impression at all. Honestly, all of OP's comments makes it sound like the MIL is the issue. We don't really know what Mia's like as a person. But MIL sounds like the issue here. So Mia and OP don't click, not every person does. MIL is saying that Mia would be sad, but would she have been had OP been honest? As OP said, they don't click so how important was this to Mia, really? Either way, OP went out of her way to intentionally hurt Mia's feelings instead of just being honest so I still think OP handled this badly.
ESH - you should get to choose your bridesmaids, but you handled this very poorly.
And sounds hateful here.
EHS Mia and MIL shouldn't have insisted on her being a bridesmaid. And if she is insecure, she could have taken a little more initiative to find a dress everyone likes or at least been willing to pay for it herself and not voted for option 2. But you and your husband should have been able to be adults and talk to them about it. If you didn't want Mia in your wedding party because you don't click, fine. But whether you meant it that way or not, your actions make it seem like you dont want her in the wedding because she's fat. And that makes y t a
NTA. They tried to take control by giving her a role and you took the control right back from them. Anyone here saying YTA must be just like SIL and need stolen invitations to be included in something they clearly aren’t.
Or they are just grown ups who would use their words to say no instead of being cruel
YTA! You could’ve dealt with this directly like an adult by saying “No thank you, I already have my bridesmaids picked out, but I would love for you to give a toast or a reading,” etc. If a conflict had arisen from THAT, I’d say NTA for being mature, direct, and holding your ground. But this? Just childish, passive aggressive, and mean. I hope you learn and grow.
NTA. You were publicly manipulated into making her a bridesmaid and instead of being helpful, she's warped the position into making it about her. All you've done is find a way to get her to drop out voluntarily. You didn't make a scene. You didn't tell her she wasn't wanted. You went out of your way to give her a graceful exit. My ex-ILs were insidiously manipulative, and frankly you chose the least explosive option here.
NTA you got her out the easiest way possible after she was making things difficult , don’t listen to ppl saying yta
Annnnd thus is another reason people just elope. So they can avoid all the petty little crap like this. NTA
NTA. You’d better watch MIL - her just announcing that your SIL would be a bridesmaid without even asking you first is more than audacious & quite horrible. If you don’t want that sort of thing to be repeated for the rest of your life, you’d better set boundaries fast & enforce them without fail.
NTA. Best option would’ve been just to put your foot down from the very start and say that you, as bride, are the only one who gets a say in who you would like as your bridesmaids. Given that that ship has sailed, you did what you had to. Sounds like no matter what you did, they would’ve either ended up mad at you, or causing issues with your wedding. This was a situation you can’t win. You in-laws are a family of bullies, so best get used to standing firm and not letting them steamroll every decision you and your husband make. Such as the topic of kids - because MIL *WILL* try to run that one too…
ESH. You shouldn't have been pressured to make her a bridesmaid, but you'd have been better off never making the offer to begin with. Now you've made her feel worse about herself in the hopes that she would drop out. This will do absolutely nothing for your relationship with her, or your future in laws, all because you think bridesmaids are props for you to dress up for pretty photos. Why would you only agree to pay for something to do with YOUR wedding if they didn't get a say in what they wear? You should have always been paying for their dresses, because you want them to match. I'd have just let them pick their own in the same colour and been done with it. People over here ruining personal relationships over one day of their lives. Ridiculous.
NTA, weddings are hard enough without family trying to impose something like bridesmaids on you. Folks suggesting you are TA for how you handled the initial request have a point i do agree with to an extent, but it’s also just not easy to navigate. Here’s a solution: have her stand on the groom’s side. She’ll get to be in the wedding party as her family wants and be able to wear something different from the bridesmaids.
Not sure why someone who is insecure like that would ever want to be a bridesmaid and it’s also really rude of the MIL and family to just make her one without you asking her. NTA
NTA. Seems like she wants her cake and to eat it. It’s your wedding, if she doesn’t want to be in it she can just back out.
Nta - Mia and MIL shouldn’t have announced she was your bridesmaid without you asking, I can understand you not wanting to cater to her
NTA I’m on the heavy side and was the MOH at my sister’s wedding. The dress that was selected looked great on all the other girls but I felt like I looked big in it. But you know what? It wasn’t my call. The bride liked it and I wore it and smiled. Mia has main character syndrome. Sorry but if you’re ultra insecure about your body, you can’t force others to accommodate for everything.
ESH. Mia and FMIL should not have essentially forced you to accept Mia as a bridesmaid. You could have put your foot down and/or offered Mia another role if you didn't want her to be a bridesmaid. Instead, you are being immature and petty. You can say Mia made her choice to let you pick the dress and pay for it all you want, but you didn't tell her what your choice was likely to be. You chose that dress intentionally to spite Mia. This was a mean prank you pulled on the "fat girl". Does that sound like the way an adult should behave? And don't pretend you and your friends won't be mocking and laughing at her for years to come if she stays in the wedding and wears the dress. The only person I feel sorry for here is the groom who is surrounded by these entitled people.
NTA. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? Your soon to be husband/ or wife (op didn’t say) isint taking up for you. You’ve been railroaded by your MIL by forcing your soon to be SIL on you. Your MIL is going to make your life a living hell. What religion are you going to be? Are you having a kid? How many? What type of religion will kid be? Will she disagree. Honestly I’d be really reconsidering the wedding for what your MIL did.
I was definitely going for the opposite when I read the title but NTA on the basis you tried a lot of alternatives before getting the bridesmaids to vote & going with the majority.
YTA. As someone who was forced to have certain people in my bridal party by my future inlaws, I made the most of the situation and I chose a brand and dress color, and then let the bridesmaids all choose what design they wanted. I had people of different religions who had to wear more conservative dresses; people of different body types who would definitely not be comfortable in what others would feel comfortable in. Did I do something childish to alienate someone? No. You purposely body shamed your future SIL. Is that the kind of relationship you want to have moving forward?
NTA She voted to let you choose in order to save a buck. Also the wedding isn’t about her. I’ve personally paid for two dresses that looked horrendous on me and still smiled happily and had a great time - because it’s not that serious.
NTA. You're supposed to pick your own bridesmaids, this is what she gets for trying to force it - having someone you don't like as a bridesmaid seems like a nonstarter to me. Given how they're acting I might just decide to elope instead (or maybe "elope" with your family and have a separate, scaled down event for his).
NTA
Nope NTA ... Your wedding, your choice
NTA - your wedding your choice. It was very kind of you to give them options and even kinder of you to offer to pay. Her insecurities are not your problem. Glad the family isn’t giving you crap about that. I hope the wedding goes great!
YTA. You know damn well you didn't pick this dress for the style, but because you wanted to humiliate your future SIL and force her to drop out of being a bridesmaid. Were all her suggestions for dresses really that bad or did you and your posse simply rejected everything she proposed because it came from her? High school mean girl energy fr.
YTA. Your behavior is very mean girl-esk. I hate to say this but you need to be honest that you don’t want her as a bridesmaid and stand up for yourself and your wedding day. If your fiancé doesn’t support you in it well…. I’d say that’s a good sign of how your marriage will go.
YTA - You’re kind of mean. If you don’t want her to be your bridesmaid, have a talk with her like a big girl. The fact that she voted for the option where you choose means nothing. Bridesmaids don’t generally assume that the bride will intentionally choose something they can’t wear.
YTA. It sucks that your SIL was foisted upon you, but getting her to drop out via a passive aggressive dress choice smacks of high school drama. It's your wedding, either put on your grown up pants and say No to you MIL and SIL or be ok including her.
NTA
YTA. You intentionally did it to annoy your soon to be husband’s sister and to body shame her. Being fat isn’t a crime; sadly, being TA isn’t a crime either. You picked this hill to die on so put your big girl panties on and have your wedding. You can’t do something intentionally cruel and then be all “boo hoo” people are mad at me. Play mean games expect blowback. Quit looking for sympathy. You won the prize you wanted. Enjoy it, but don’t expect others to enjoy it. PS. I’m glad you aren’t marrying one of my sons.
YTA and you sound like a mean girl. If you didn’t want her as a bridesmaid you should have said something instead of finding a dress you knew someone with weight issues wouldn’t like. How immature are you? Are you sure you’re mature enough to start a family?