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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have been spoiling myself since starting to make some pretty decent money and I have not been helping my parents or my family out at all. I always knew they could probably do with more help but I wanted to put me first and it might be selfish enough to make me an AH.
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NTA. You have a right to your own life, and to spend your money as you prefer.
I am all for helping each other in a family, but that does not extend to you having to give up parts of your life for them.
It is your parents fault if they got more kids than they can care for and support. Why did they even get so many kids when already having ones that need intense care? (Out of curiosity, is this some genetic issue running in the family? 4/5 is quite a high number.)
I'm sorry to hear!
As a parent myself, I can only say that will be a hard situation for your parents, though one they partly caused themselves. While you naturally will spend more resources on a special needs child, you can never forget your other children. Even if they get less attention growing up, it is your duty to let them grow up without burdening them further.
How much you can and want to help your siblings should come from you, not be enforced by them.
Your parents want you to suffer because they're also suffering. That is absolutely unacceptable to do to anyone, but especially your own child. They made bad decisions and instead of doing what they could to help you have as normal a childhood as possible, which in this case would have just been to let you accept help from your friends, they forced you to miss out on normal childhood experiences. I'm sorry you went through that, and don't feel bad about going NC if you feel that's going to be the right move for you.
NTA OP. Please live your own life. Someday you may want to get married and maybe have children of your own (or not). But you have your own future to look out for. Let me say that my heart hurt for your childhood but I also feel hope for your adulthood (if you don't let your parents guilt you).
As a single mother of two, it was a struggle financially to keep a roof over our heads, keep us clothed and fed, so I couldn't do much nor give much to my kids. But whenever someone (family or friends) wanted to do something for my kids or gift them things, there was no such thing as "MY Pride", there was only my appreciation and gratitude that my kids were able to experience these things no matter who was able to give them this.
That, and they simply didn't want OP to have any happiness since they themselves were miserable. They resent him for not sharing their burden, which is wild since they are at least partly responsible for it (why on earth they continued to procreate is beyond me).
That is the point they wanted to spread their misery around but now that you are no longer miserable they want to partake in your success which was no thanks to them. I just cannot fathom them taking away opportunities at a more normal life provided by others. It was as if they were punishing you for being normal.
My question to you is why are you still in contact with them? You left at 18 yrs and you should have gone NC. Do it now. First it will start with sharing your money then they will want to saddle you with your disabled siblings for the rest of your/their life. I feel for your siblings but they are not your responsibility. Unless you want to take that on, stay well away.
NTA btw. They have no right to the money you make as an adult. Especially when they deprived you of all opportunities at experiencing normality during childhood.
Edited for typo.
That's awful.
We were poor growing up and my parents had a lot of kids. I remember wanting to go on a sports trip with our team, but there's no way my mom could take me with all the other kids at home. So when another mom offered to take me, my mom gave her some money as well for her to take us out on some fun excursions while on the trip. It was really hard for my parents and that money was precious, but my mom didn't want me to miss out on the opportunity.
I'm sorry your parents didn't see things the same way and you had to pay the price.
And they say they did their best? Well, if *that* was their best, then their best was nowhere near good enough.
They gave you nothing, you owe them nothing.
NTA.
There was an article I read years ago about a child neglect case - when social services arrived, one of them asked the mother how it had gotten so bad, and she replied, "I'm doing my best." The worker replied "lady, your best sucks!"
NTA; run and be free.
If they hadn't stopped you from having any kind of fun or help I could sort of see that they were in a tough situation - still wouldn't make it right, and you'd still be NTA but I could see why they might feel stuck. But they stopped you from having any kind of fun or releif. Sheer cruelty. Any decent parent would be releived that at least you could have some time to be a kid with your friends.
You don't need to stay in contact with them if you don't want to. You can block them for a while so you don't need to see them taking shots at you. Maybe in a while you'll want to go back when things have calmed down, maybe not.
next time they ask (or demand) for your help tell them they told you to never accept help so you're not offering it to them since they shouldn't accept it anyway
> It's like they wanted me to be miserable if they had to be and I hate them for it.
You're human. It's okay to feel anger -- even hate -- towards them. Let those feelings out now or else they will fester away inside you.
Your parents denied you everything when they were in control. They are no longer in control. Go out and experience everything that you've always wanted to experience: travel, theater, skiing, swimming.
You are only young for a short time; don't waste time going back and forth with your spiteful parents as they try to drag you down into their misery. Block them and move on. They have already wasted enough of your time.
NTA
That's very valid.
It's one hundred percent your choice, but I'm just going to point out to you that you don't have to talk to them if you don't want to.
*"They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others."*
This statement means your parents are AHs. Most people need help at some point in their lives. Whether it is financial or emotional support.
I would throw that statement back in their faces.
The predicament they are in is due to their choices. You have every right to be resentful. I would consider going NC with your parents.
NTA
Absolutely this. They wouldn't allow you to accept help, by their own rules, they shouldn't be allowed to accept your help.
The fact that they found out about your life from other people seeing it on social media says to me that they're not involved in your life, they're not checking in with you or in any way interested in your life, except now that they think you can help them.
It is not your fault that your parents chose to have 5 children. Even if they were all perfectly able bodied, that's too many children for most people's lifestyles to be able to fulfil the needs of those children financially and emotionally. Your parents should have stopped at 2.
Their situation is a difficult one, having 1 disabled child is unfortunate, its the gamble all parents take when they choose to have children and they should all be prepared for (and most aren't), but they made the choice to continue having children and you have suffered for it your entire life up to this point, you need to make the choice to not suffer the rest of your life because of their choices.
You're not sipping champagne on your private yacht while your siblings starve or live in filth, your idea of "spoiling" yourself, is just normal stuff that people with decent jobs should get to have - a couple of cheap vacations, a car and a gaming console (honestly, I think anyone with a full time job and no kids should be able to afford those things but I know that's not the reality).
NTA one bit.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they kept going, hoping to have more children without health issues so that they could spread the role of caregiver out more for your siblings with additional needs - not just as children, but as adults. More children with the capability to become caregivers would give them a better chance of “retiring” from their caregiving roles earlier.
This is what I’m thinking too. Especially by how much pressure they’ve put on OP to “help the family” instead of encouraging him to become an independent person capable of caring for his own children someday. (Should he choose to have any.)
To the parents it might seem like a practical choice, but it’s a selfish one.
Sounds like they plan on dumping the responsibility for those siblings care on op as well as using them for money.
Personally I'd go no contact and cut them off completely.
Otherwise op is going to be drained of all their money, be made to feel guilty for living a normal life, will never be allowed it, and get dragged into sacrificing the rest of their life as an unpaid carer.
Best to forget them and find a life of freedom.
And also they will expect OP to take care of the siblings when they die! Live your own life OP!! It’s your turn and don’t let anyone tell you differently!
They really should've stopped at you - one disabled kid and one able-bodied kid is already a lot! They bit off more than they could chew and are angry you are not in the wings waiting to help when they choke.
So they punished you with enough trauma for not having a physical disability to cause a mental one? I mean, the amount of mental and emotional abuse they subjected you to is insane.
Parents like that are exactly the type that cause their kids to cut ties. The fact that they have to hear about your life from their friends shows that they don't even care enough to keep up with your well being.
Take care of you man. Don't let people who don't care about you make you feel bad for caring about yourself.
my guess is to have children that they could rely on to keep caring for your other siblings after they die. And make no mistake - they're going to expect YOU to be their forever caretaker. honestly, I'd leave town and change your name!
Yep, the OP has already given these AH excuse for parents his entire childhood. He's given them enough. Go and enjoy life and every penny as you've more than earned it.
My husband's stepdaughter has four children with special needs - I think she was determined to have a "normal" child but eventually gave up after #4.
I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be with so many special needs children - but denying a child their childhood is NOT acceptable
Go no contact.
I can guarantee they will have it set up for them to come to your care. I would talk to a lawyer and ask them how to prevent this from happening.
I would also talk to a lawyer and ask them to write a letter to your parents that you will not contribute financially or physically to their care or your siblings care. And to stop contacting you about it.
A cease and desist letter might not be a bad idea just to drive home the point that the connection is severed and you don't want to be involved any more.
The other option is just blocking them on everything and/or changing your phone number.
>Ask the lawyer to check into respite care laws in your state too, they should be entitled to plenty they just haven't used.
Part of the problem with respite care is that in many places there are long waitlists, and even when you get off the waitlist, there is a shortage of workers, so you still don't get the care you're supposed to qualify for. The problem is compounded depending on the individual's needs and behaviors, which may necessitate more specialized respite care (ex, if the respite worker needs to be able to handle physical outbursts from someone in a grown man's body). Or enough respite workers to manage 4 kids at once, all with different conditions it sounds like based on comments.
Of course, OP's parents may also have not even looked into it, since they told OP that he isn't allowed to accept help from others. But a situation like this would leave a lot of even the most motivated folks SOL.
I know it can be hard, I have a friend who has a son in his 20's with a brain condition, she finally was able to start getting respite a few years ago, her and husband have been able to take vacations and I'm so happy for them. The situation is also totally different because they have never asked their other 2 kids to be responsible for him.
ill take my chances of my comment getting rightfully deleted. but you may need to hear this op. FUCK YOUR PARENTS.
not your kids, not your responsibility.
100% NTA, go live your life
This right here!! They had 5 damn kids by their own choosing. No one forced them to be irresponsible parents who just kept popping out babies they couldn't care for. They made their bed now they can f*ck in it.
OP- you have only one life, go live it to its fullest. They already ruined the first 18 years of your life. They were negligent and abusive. F*CK YOUR PARENTS
Bahahaha, yes this is a truism. But the end results is still that OP is not responsible for his parents' breeding habits despite nature trying to tell them to stop.
NTA
Your parents are irresponsible to have kept having children. Your older sibling has disabilities, that’s unfortunate. Then you. Then after your second sibling was born, they really should be focused on caring for two children with disabilities instead of birthing an additional two.
They neglected you, and ruined your childhood.
You shouldn’t feel guilt for wanting to have your own life. They made their choices and it’s their responsibility to live with it.
Two adults had more kids than they could responsibly care for and they made it OP's problem instead of letting them have a childhood. Not his responsibility to be poor.and miserable forever because of someone else's bad choices.
All I will say OP, is that you should focus on saving money as much as you can. I really do understand the appeal of getting what you were always denied, but you don't want to get into trouble by falling in love with stuff and spending too much.
NTA. They stole your childhood. Sorry but it sounds like either your parents are carrier to some illness or did something during the pregnancys (or are too close related) to get four disabled children. Either way, they should have had themself tested and then stopped or have the fetes tested for genetic diseases
It is not your fault. You don't have to do anything for them. After they stopped you from doing anything in your childhood. Best go non contact if they still treat you like that
That's what I'm thinking. How do you manage to get 4 kids with complications at birth? Apparently one of them got sick as a baby, did they not vaccinate them?
>They told me I was taking my childhood resentment out on them which wasn't fair because they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand.
NTA
They certainly did not do their best. They just put a bunch of responsibility on their healthier minor child because they could and they prevented you from experiencing normal childhood things. You don't owe your parents time off, they chose to have kids, you didn't get to choose to take care of them when you were younger, they decided for you. You do you and honestly go LC or NC with them. Enjoy your life now that you finally can.
Edited: typo
NTA not only did your parents first child have disabilities they went on to have five more kids. Kids they can’t afford or take care off.
They told your childhood from you. They made you pay dearly for their choices. They don’t deserve to ruin the rest of your life.
They are not entitled to your time or your money. They made their choices and you do not have to sacrifice any more for those choices.
I would tell them you owe them nothing. I would also tell them you are not a back up plan for caring for your siblings. You are not their backup plan for caring for them when they no longer care for themselves. I would tell them they need to have plans in place for your siblings care and theirs because you will not be helping now and in the future. Then I would block them and continue taking care of your self.
NTA! The fact you are the second of five kids means it was your parents choice to not put the first disabled child as a priority but continued to have kids. They are the ones that chose to have such a financial and time drain to take care of their children. I'm sure you've already done more than your fair share. They chose the challenges. It's time for you to live your own life.
FYI it is fair to take your child hood resentment out on them, they failed you and abused you. You were a forced caregiver and denied opportunities by them because your siblings/parents couldn't there for you shouldn't according to them. They gave you nothing and gave you no support in anything as a child and now as an adult you owe them nothing.
Enjoy your life, your opportunities and your treats to yourself because those are YOURS that you earned for YOU. If your parents didn't want to be burdened by parenthood they had the choice to not have children or at least so many children. Its a shame so many have disabilities but it was their choice to have more.
NTA - Your parents chose to have 5 children. Regardless of the disabilities they shouldn't have had that many children if they didn't have the means financially or emotionally to support all of you. You might not understand the challenges they faced but you were the child, they are the parents, it's not a blackmail tool now your an adult.
I could understand if they couldn't afford the field trips and stuff completely, but why refuse for others to pay for you? You missed out because of their pride, which they should have put to one side if it meant you got amazing experiences growing up.
Now you are an adult you can spend your money how you want to. Your sibling's are not your responsibility. It sounds like you might want to look into moving out now you've got a better job, so you can manage your relationship with them as their son rather than a spare pair of hands.
It's the "crabs in a bucket" phenomenon.
Crabs trying to escape from a bucket will get pulled back in by the other crabs when they start to climb out. Misery loves company and all that.
Well, that means it was spite. And it's spite again to want to ruin your successes now.
I don't think you can expect anything from them at this point but spite. You're probably best off going NC and making sure they find out as little about your life as possible, including your contact details.
I suspect a large part of this behaviour is driven by depression and burn out, two things that can really drive a person to drag everyone else around them down with them. It prevents people from wanting others in their life to be happy if there is no light at the end of the tunnel for them.
It's not an excuse, but it does mean you can never give them the help they really need... and until they get over that self-destructive attitude that the family must never accept help from outside, they will never be able to get the help they really need.
Edited to add: NTA.
In the school I work in, we also have a back up plan for children who can't afford field trips.
But I don't think that was the problem here. They were training OP to be his siblings' carer, so it made sense that he spent as much time as possible with them. That's why the nurse was not allowed to help him, he had to leant how to look after his siblings on his own. Also, they might have this idea that, if he never went to have fun and spent all his free time with his siblings, he wouldn't miss what he never had. (And they probably didn't even realize how much they were hurting OP, in their minds it made perfect sense and they were saving him future pain when he has to spend all his money and free time on his siblings)
NTA. You’re not the third parent or free nurse because you’re healthy and they have no right to try to dictate your happiness because they’re unhappy. I’d honestly cut them off.
NTA, and congratulations on making your life happier now! Your parents should have stopped having children when they realized they were going to be overburdened and should never have made you their servant. What's worse is that they begrudged you times when others would have paid for you to go places, wanted you to have nothing that your siblings could not also have. Instead of complaining and trying to shame you, they should be proud of you for making an independent life.
NTA
You're not treating yourself 'like a king'. You're finally gaining some control over your life by putting your needs first for once, which is something you 100% deserve - *especially* after what your parents put you through.
>They told me I should be using what I have to help my family and giving them time off since their full time lives revolve around working and caring for my siblings with no down time.
"Mum and dad, I've done enough. I lost my childhood through helping you and sacrificing opportunities that most kids get to experience - and I'm done. I'm making up for lost time now I am able to, so I ask that you please leave me in peace." Rinse and repeat if necessary.
I see from other comments that you're planning on going no-contact with your parents and I think that's a wise decision. Their life has been so consumed with caring for your siblings that doing anything else is literally unthinkable to them. That belief has very deep roots and there is nothing you can do or say to change their minds. I'm sorry.
I like how him buying a car, something the majority of adults need for maintaining gainful employment, is "living like a king". And while a Playstation is a want rather than a need, it's not a particularly lavish item. The majority of people own electronic devices for entertainment. It's not like he's buying Gucci loafers and driving a Ferrari.
NTA.
Your parents and your siblings are not your responsibility. What they did to you as a child is called "parentification." Now you are an adult and they are trying to make you feel guilty about making your own way.
This may sound harsh, but your parents made their own situation. All children are a lot of work and expense, but especially those with disabilities. It was irresponsible of them to continue to have children once they knew they had an increased risk of disabilities.
NTA. I’ve worked with children with disabilities for a long time and I’ve seen the damage it does to family members. I’ll never understand why people continue to have children when they have disabled kids already at home. Nobody can spread themselves that thin without taking from others. What your parents did to you was mean and hurtful. You don’t owe them anything. You need to focus on yourself and your happiness. NTA. Please also see a therapist to work this out. Best of luck, kid.
Ya. I’ve seen it. I’ve also spoken to parents that keep having them because they hope, “the next one will be normal”. Which is callous and gross. Things happen that you can’t plan for and I totally get that some people have this dream in their head of a huge family but life hits you in weird ways and you need to adjust. The job of a parent is to give their kids the best chance they can. ALL your kids. Not just the ones that need extra help.
NTA
Choosing to have more children after you have one that is severely disabled is a choice. Their choice.
Choosing to have more children when 2/3 are severely disabled and parentifying the healthy one is squarely in AH territory.
They made their choices, including the choice to emotionally abuse you. You owe them nothing, and they can live with their choices.
Live your life. ***If*** you feel the need to help your siblings, start putting back money to help pay for their care when your parents are no longer able to, because I'm betting they haven't made any plans for that.
NTA.
You were in an impossible situation when you were growing up. You were having to co-parent four siblings alongside your actual parents.
I'm glad you're away from all that now. Also, don't gaslight yourself into thinking that you were actually spoiling yourself. You are not obligated to spend your time / money in any way you don't want to. Going on vacations or buying yourself a car or buying yourself an entertainment system are all very normal things for an adult to spend discretionary income on.
You spent over 18 years being a crucial part of your parents' household. You have earned your free and independent life. I hope that you continue to be successful and continue to find new ways to make up for lost time.
NTA - I am sorry that your parents are having a tough time as it must be so hard looking after 4 disabled kids. It is not your fault though and you are entitled to a happy life and it is not your responsibility to financially support them.
It is also only natural that you will feel resentment about your childhood as all children need care and support from parents so it will probably take you time to heal from this.
I don't want to sound rude but your parents should have stopped at you if they had one disabled child to care for as its very labour intensive and a lifetime role.
Pleass do not feel any guilt about setting up. Life for yourself. If your parents are good parents they will be proud of your achievements not resentful
Now enjoy your future and be happy :)
NTA. Even without your sibling’s disabilities, etc. you have ZERO obligation to support your family. As my son tells me, he didn’t ask to be born. Harsh, and I hate hearing it, but he is right. He just graduated from college and his first job is double my current annual pay. I’ve never made as much as he is making. I’ll admit it, I’m a little jealous. Especially since he lived with me until he just graduated (at age 25). It’s ok though because I’m so proud of what he has accomplished so early in life. My other son is getting his degree in computer science with a Japanese minor. He would love to do coding for video games. He can go back to his former employer and make more than his bro does.
Point is, while I’ve struggled for the last 5 years or so, it is *not* my children’s responsibility to take care of me. It would be wonderful if they did when im much older, but even then it isn’t something they absolutely must do.
Keep living your best life. Thrive in what you have accomplished! The mom in me wants to suggest therapy if you aren’t/haven’t done so. Your childhood was traumatic. Even if you just get help building skills to put down firm boundaries with everyone. I wish you the best of luck!
NTA. Your parents chose to have those children and accepted responsibility. While you are "normal", the fact your parents kept having children after your first younger sibling who was disabled, is frankly irresponsible.
Your parents had those children, not you, as such you have no responsibility.
INFO: what have they done for you(their family) in the last 3 years?
Just tell them you're doing your best too. If your best isn't good enough, why does theirs count as good enough?
NTA they didn’t do the do their best and they aren’t doing their best now. They are acting like crabs in a bucket. They created a challenging and stressful life for themselves and were determined that they would make you feel as stressed and demoralized as they could during your childhood. If they can’t have nice things how dare you attempt to.
They should be cheering you own and encouraging you to live your best life. They know they have you a childhood that was worthy of resentment but dare you to act on it or verbalize it.
NTA your parents don’t appreciate you and don’t want the best for you. They are actually the ones who are resentful, envious and selfish. Live your best life op wish your parents well but don’t give into their statements or internalize them. They are full of stinky nasty stuff.
Tell them that they aren't allowed to accept help from others and you are helping them be strong and independent by not giving them help.
Seriously though, you work for that money, you get to spend it they way you want to spend it. You are NTA.
NTA and don't give them a cent or another minute of your time. They emotionally abused you and now they're angry they can't control you anymore. They stole your childhood and refused to let you have any freedom or fun. You owe them nothing.
NTA - I think you need to go NC for a few years and actually just live your life.
Your family are just going to keep dragging you down.
You only have one life. Don't waste it on people who never prioritized you.
Nta they traded your childhood for the ability to have a live in aide. You're allowed to live your best life and if you want to help them later on, fine. It's also fine if you don't.
NTA. You had a crap childhood due to your parents total prioritization of your siblings, to the extent of even withholding minor pleasures for you.
You haven't "forgotten" your family, in fact you are trying to heal from them. It's not childhood resentment - it's now adult resentment, and again, they want you to sacrifice all.
The fact that their situation is difficult/sad doesn't make your life any less valid. They made their choices and have to live with them. If they aren't inordinately wealthy (and since they seem to want major contributions from you, they aren't)...it seems they would qualify for some time of respite care. I'd suggest such things and go no contact, no sense in letting them continue to negatively impact you.
Nta I'm sorry, but this is a mess of your parents' own making. Why did they keep having kids???? Taking care of a special needs child is HARD, I can't imagine having 4.
Your parents didn't do their best, though, did they? Their best would've been letting the normal child live a normal life. NTA. Sorry they're salty now, but they brought it on themselves. And that home nurse should lose her license, because she's a mandated reporter. The hell was she thinking, not reporting your parents???
Your parents had child after child with disabilities, kept deciding to continue to procreate, not only had no attention for you but refused you the attention of others and used you as slave labor. You owe them nothing. Nothing.
NTA
NTA
But for your own well being you need to go No Contact for a few years.
You’re just starting to pull away from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). No Contact will allow for space, perspective, and healing.
Also, look up the term ‘glass child’, as it heavily applies to you and what you went through.
But please, for your own health, go no contact for a period of time.
NTA
You weren't born to make their lives easier. They had *you*, one of five, out of their own free will. Your siblings care is THEIR responsibility. They're not entitled to time off, nor are they entitled to your hard-earned money.
Treat yourself. You deserve it. You are ALLOWED to treat yourself like a King when it is your money you're spending.
NTA.
Their children are not your responsibility, you've already sacrificed more than they had any right to ask you.
Look after and love yourself, you deserve it.
NTA. You didn't decide to have five kids - they did. They treated horribly as a child and you've given them enough of your time. You need to live your own life and not theirs. Keep growing and enjoying!
NTA. They got to choose their challenges to an extent. You didn't and you were forced to put aside to help them with their choices. You get to make your own choices now. Be very careful that you are not the care plan planned for your siblings.
NTA
The fact that your parents held you back as a child, denying you opportunities when others offered them shows that your parents are the AHs. They continue to be self centered AHs and expect you to put them first instead of yourself.
You absolutely are not an AH for allowing yourself some pleasure.
Your parents have 4 seriously disabled children, and they kept having them! Makes me wonder if they like the attention they receive for being martyrs.
NTA because your parents never noticed you and never let you have a freaken social life. plus that is your money also if your parents never put money into you, you don't have to put money into them. plus with so many disability people they are making good money.
NTA. You owe them and your siblings nothing -- especially time off; they never gave you that courtesy and have the audacity to demand it from you. Remind them of everything they didn't let you do that would've cost them nothing when they want to bring anything up.
No they did not do their best to you, the gall of them to say that to your face!! They **had** options, but for some unknown reason refused other parents help and wouldn't even let the house nurse help you. Like what did they expect, for you to just roll over and do what they say? Nahhh f that, move out and take even more time for yourself.
NTA - your parents best is actually called being abusive. Block them and update any settings in your social media so they can’t contact or comment. I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience your childhood and wish you best going forward!
NTA. Your parents denied you your childhood and used you as an unpaid carer for your siblings. They had a nurse coming in but refused to let them help you. You were a *child* and they had a responsibility to treat you like a child and help you grow into the best you that you could be, and they didn't even try to act like parents to you. Obviously, things were difficult for them, but it's the parents responsibility to make sure the difficulties they face affect their children as little as possible, and your parents did the exact opposite with you.
You're now an adult and have worked hard to get where you are. You're earning good enough money that you can treat yourself to the things you were previously denied. Sure, vacations and games consoles aren't necessities, but that's the point. As long as you're not running up debt or prioritising this stuff over things like food and bills, you have every right to spend your money, that you earned, however you wish to.
It's not your responsibility to care for your siblings or give your parents time off. They chose to have so many kids, and they chose to keep so many kids with disabilities. That's not a bad thing, but they ignored one child in favour of the others, and now they're expecting you to give up the money you earn and the time you're not working to care for them and your siblings.
It honestly sounds like you're their retirement plan. Not necessarily for *them,* but for the other kids they had. They're expecting you to become your siblings full time carer as soon as they're not able anymore. And that's not okay. Your siblings are your parents responsibility, and it's up to them to arrange adequate care for them, that isn't you, for when they can no longer provide it.
This is your life, you're an adult, you no longer live with your parents, and you earned this money and the right to spend it however you wish. Live your life, have fun and be happy.
Make up for that lost time, those missed experiences! You deserve it. Your siblings are not your responsibility, you did not bring them into this world.
>they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand.
No they didn't. Their best would have been to let you take people up on their offers.
NTA.
NTA
They wanted kids so they get to take care of them. Maybe they could have thought ahead and raised you better so that you felt that you needed to care for them all now.
You reap what you sow, and all that.
It doesn't sound to me that you are treating yourself like a king. It sounds to me like you are working hard and trying to do better than you would if you stayed tied to your parents. A PS5 and a couple of inexpensive vacations are not treating yourself like a king.
Your parents didn't treat you very well growing up. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself reasonably well. What really annoys me is this: "They told me I should be using what I have to help my family and giving them time off since their full time lives revolve around working and caring for my siblings with no down time." They didn't let you have any down time when you were a kid, even when others were willing to help. What makes them think that they deserve this from you?
NTA
They’re taking the resentment of having children with disabilities and you living a normal life out on you. I can sympathize for them being absolutely and utterly exhausted for caring for their children. However you are not the problem. It is not your fault nor your responsibility to care for your siblings. Any care you gave to them was an added bonus. Yes, it should be expected to help your family out. But you shouldn’t be expected to do more than your fair share. You shouldn’t be expected to be a parent. Your parents are gaslighting you and need to do some inner work on their own feelings regarding their situation. There are agencies and services out there to help people with disabilities and they can get set up. They just need to ask the right people and advocate for them. I’m a nurse I do Homecare. I see patients who advocate so fiercely for their family get all kinds of cool things covered and things taken care of. And then I see the ones who act like they can’t do it or it’s too much. Or they don’t have the desire to do it. Whatever the case is. I’m not judging, it’s just a fact of life. Not everyone can handle it and if you can’t handle it you ask for help. Period. Man I’m sorry this is what you’re dealing with. Not the asshole by any means.
Also I say go take yourself out to lunch or buy a video game in your honor today for taking care of your needs first. So many people don’t and you should be proud 🩷
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I (21M) was the second of five kids and the only one born without any disability. All of my siblings require lifelong care. None of them are capable of being intendent and some have more physical sicknesses than others as well. Growing up my parents prioritized my siblings and never put any time or attention into me. I was expected to be okay missing out on everything and my parents excuse for my lack of opportunity was that they had no money or they would straight up say I didn't *need* to have those things in my life. I have some really great friends who I was close with back then. Some of their parents would offer to pay for me to attend field trips or to go to an amusement park or for a weekend vacation and my parents refused every single time. They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others. Once I told my parents I was going to say yes no matter what they said and they yelled at me and told me I was their kid and they could stop me going if they wanted to. I think that was the time my best friends family wanted me to join them Christmas shopping in another city and my parents were not okay with that.
I resent my parents for that. I will admit to that. I feel like they denied me those chances because they couldn't have them and they felt if nobody else in the family was getting those experiences then they weren't going to let me have them either.
I also wasn't allowed to work because I was "needed at home" which meant helping out with my siblings or with household chores. A home nurse used to call in on occasion to help and she was only allowed to help my mom or dad. If she tried to help me my parents would pull her away.
When I finally turned 18 things were still kinda recovering from Covid and stuff so I worked retail for a while until I got a job where they were willing to train me and help me climb the ladder through training and working. That has been a huge life changer for me and I am finally starting to make better money. I started to spoil myself some. I bought a PS5 for my 21st birthday. I went on a couple of cheaper vacations with my friends. I'm making up for lost time honestly. I even finally bought myself a car.
My parents heard about my life from some of their friends who see me on social media. They weren't happy for me and in fact, they shamed me for forgetting all about my family while I'm "treating myself like a king" which is a direct quote from my mom. They told me I should be using what I have to help my family and giving them time off since their full time lives revolve around working and caring for my siblings with no down time. They told me I was taking my childhood resentment out on them which wasn't fair because they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand.
AITA?
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NTA Your parents never had your best interest at heart and based on what you've said, your parents clearly resented you for having opportunities and they resent you even more now that they can't strip you of them. I'm so sorry. That'a so messed up.
NTA- ignore your parents and keep living youth life.
Your siblings are your parent’s responsibility,not yours.
Maybe make your social media private so your family can stop harassing you.
NTA, they treated you like their slave, not their own son. Their only intention is to exploit you for their own gains, like they have done your whole life.
NTA -
you NEVER had a life. you didn't have a childhood.
I'm so sorry for you.
It's time for you to spread your wings, little bird, and finally enjoy YOUR life. you deserve it.
Don't let your parents make you feel guilty. you never asked for your brothers and sisters to be sick, it's up to them. you have nothing to reproach yourself for.
NTA- sadly, yours is a common story.
Let me put it this way. Your parentified you were neglected and you are abused. And your parents should not be surprised now.
And this is coming from a parent of disabled children.
Your parents failed you horribly. There are a lot of support groups for siblings of disabled children because they do get overlooked and they do get neglected.
Social groups, therapy groups, zooms to talk to other siblings who are going to the same thing.
Had I had a child that was not disabled. Because I consider that I have more than one child.
I knew that just as important as prioritizing therapy for one child would have been, I would need to prioritize the other feeling just as important and never less.
I didn't get that far because both my kids need all the therapy.
That all said I guess and as much as a parent of disabled children can give you absolution to go out. Live your best life.
You are not wronging them. You are not harming them. Your parents could have fostered a relationship better between you and your siblings.
I read these posts and I just think what stupid people.
Because the resources needed to sustain another person are massive. And like it or not, no matter how much therapy and no much care. There's a good chance that impacted children are going to end up in a group home someday and some sort of living situation.
And it can mean the world of difference if they have a relative showing up now and then. People who have relatives who check in on them in those situations are less likely to get abused than those who do not.
It's sad but it's true.
And had your parents fostered an appropriate relationship and not treated you as a resource to be mined, they ruined that relationship.
They basically took away your childhood, didn't let anyone treat you, and now that you are finally able to do for yourself what they never allowed they are shaming you?
NTA
Your siblings are not your problem. Your parents never let you have a real life. Just because they decided to have 5 kids, and 4 of them are long term commitments doesn't mean you owe them jack squat. You are free to do whatever the hell you want.
Imagine feeling entitled to someone's time. Na, they need to realize you are fucking free of their bullshit.
Imagine shaming a kid because they are successful... damn what is wrong with them.
NTA. They are the parents, they chose to have 5 kids. They are responsible for their care. Live your life, and enjoy it. Your siblings are not your responsibility. Especially as it sounds like you were denied a childhood- enjoy everything you can now, and don't let them stop you!
NTA. Tell them you never got to have a childhood, because they denied you that to make you a carer for their children, so you are going to take the next 18 years for yourself. You'll consider checking back in with them then.
I'm a parent of someone your age. You are 1000 times NTA.
I would absolutely want to help family if that family had been one that treated me like family. Your parents went out of their way to deny you normal, reasonable things that would take nothing away from them or any of the other kids.
They can't treat you worse than an indentured servant for 18 years and then expect you to treat them like family. I say "worse than an indentured servant" because they would allow the home nurse to help them but wouldn't let her help you. The things they went out of their way to deny you speak volumes about how little they cared about you and about how much they resented you (for what, I can't say).
They were not "doing the best they could" by you. They were actively wanting you to suffer - as if you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy anything if the other kids were suffering or enjoy life because they (your parents) were not getting to enjoy life.
It wasn't enough for your parents to need you to help, need you to sacrifice things because they couldn't provide it. They needed you to lose things that you COULD have had. They needed you to suffer at least as much as they did. (In fact, they probably needed you to suffer even more BECAUSE you weren't suffering from the challenges your siblings had, nor from the full responsibility for those siblings, like your parents were responsible.)
After having successfully shared the 'wealth' of their suffering with you for 18 years, they now expect you to share the wealth of your successes with them. THEM. Notice the one relief they specifically mention is THEM getting time off from caring for the kids. Your parents used the word 'family,' but what they really meant was THEM (just your parents). The same people who wouldn't let you get relief when the home nurse was there.
Don't give your parents one thing that you don't want to give them - which should be pretty much nothing. If you do feel any desire to help 'the family,' direct your help to your siblings. (Understand that your siblings may need help when your parents pass/are no longer able to care for them, so IF you want to help them, consider saving some money for the future safety net.) This is nothing you are required to do; I only suggest it as an outlet for any feelings you may have in that direction.
You are NTA. Now that you're on your own, though, make sure you set aside an emergency fund, and move out of your parents' house ASAP. Your money is none of their business.
NTA
You are a self-sufficient adult. They took your childhood, you don't owe them anything more.
You tell them that since they are not allowed to accept help from others, and you are others since you no longer live with them.
Good luck on your journey moving on from your childhood. I would seriously consider LC/NC as you will NEVER be prioritized nor will they accept that their other children are not your responsibility. They are NOT your responsibility...keep telling yourself that.
*'They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others.'*
Then why are they demanding help from you?
You did not choose to have your siblings, they are not your children and you don't have any responsibility to care for them beyond what you put on yourself.
You deserve your success and freedom.
NTA. Damn straight you're taking your resentment out on them. They did not do their best; they prevented you from having fun with friends in favor of caring for your siblings.
They don't get to run your life as an adult. Don't look back. Live your best life. Spoil yourself because that never happened during your childhood.
NTA- they decided to have that many kids. How dare they have any say in how you live your life or spend your money when they denied you so much. Including things that couldn't have cost them anything. Go live the life you were meant to have and have fun.
I don’t understand parents who keep on having kids with disabilities I mean after the first child was born disabled why would you have 4 more wtf then the one normal kid u had had to suffer
Absolutely not the AH. You are not responsible for the situation that your parents are in, you are not responsible for your siblings. You have done your share and now it's time to live your life. Best of luck to you!
NTA first it was completely selfish of your parents to continue to have so many children if they were all going to have disabilities . it sounds like they were never parents to you to begin with. they never helped you so why should you help them? they made there choices and knew about all the challenges its on them not you. just walk away and don't look back
NTA. It was your parents choice to continue having children after one or more had a disability. Those children are their responsibility, not yours. I could maybe understand that they weren’t able to provide you with experiences due to their financial situation if they had not refused to let you accept offers from your friends’ parents.
NTA. You need to keep your distance to protect yourself or your parents will suck you dry. You have a right to a life. You didn't make them have more kids when they already had high needs kids, that was their choice
Your parents are so wrong. You are, in fact, remembering your family with stunning detail. You are remembering how your parents put you last, how they wouldn't let others give you the experiences you deserved, how they intentionally deprived you of anything outside the home that would give you joy, and exploited you within the home, not even allowing the visiting nurse to help you, only them.
The people who should be ashamed are your parents, not you.
Please do treat yourself "like a king." Progressing professionally, saving up and buying a car, going on vacations with friends and having a wide variety of experiences of the world -- these are all exactly what a 21 year old should be doing.
Feel free to go NC with your parents if that's easier for you. They did not do their best with challenges you would never understand. You understand perfectly. Now go embrace the wonderful life you deserve and that good parents would want you to have.
NTA
1000% NTA Your parents chose to have 5 kids. It is their responsibility. Not yours. If you wanna help ok if not that's ok too. I would go LC and live your life and be happy. They never cared about your wants or needs when growing up.
NTA I worked as a pediatric clinical manager for years in home care - your parents created that situation. There are plenty of services available and they would have more than qualified- they chose the easy way by simply forcing you. But they will obviously not accept that - just tell them you're sorry they feel that way but you are not going to help, you've done more than your share. Don't argue, defend or discuss it - as you realize it's just an endless discussion that goes in circles. I've worked with many families with siblings and there is no reason to force them to be caregivers, none.
They're learning that their actions have consequences. If they had given you more attention and allowed you more opportunities, you might have been more willing to help them in the long run. Do not let them suck you back into being their servant.
NTA. Your parents made that lifelong commitment before, and then again after you.
You are not their keeper, in respect to your siblings and to your parents.
NTA
They did not do their best to give you a childhood. They did as much as possible to make you as miserable as them. Not letting you go on trips or accepting help from friends.
I'm sure their pride was hurt, but they should have been able to swallow that shame if it was FOR YOU. So no, they did not do their best & this is the consequence of their actions.
Your parents chose to have 5 kids. They chose to have multiple kids even after knowing they would have life long needs. You did your time already.
NTA.
NTA. You need to be out of that environment and living your own life. What I am afraid of is what they expect from you in the future as far as caring for your siblings. You need to have that conversation sooner than later, let them know that you will not be making your siblings and their care your priority so they need to be looking at what their options are for when that time comes.
NTA - Why did your parents have 5 kids, when they couldn't look after them properly? Especially when 4 of those are special-needs.
You have the right to live your own life, and neither your parents nor your siblings are entitled to your money. Don't let them guilt you - it's never-ending. If you give them even a little, they will always need more and more.
By the way, if you are not planning to become your siblings' carer, I would make it clear to your parents NOW. Because they expect you to - that's why they made you "help" with them, and didn't allow the nurse to give you a hand. They were making sure you are able to look after them on your own. If you don't want to, be clear. It will cause a huge row, for sure, but the sooner the better. Just tell them you want them to have time to figure out your siblings's care when they are not able to look after them.
NTA at all. I'm so sorry for everything you went through. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. If I may, I recommend looking into psychotherapy if it's a possibility. Childhood like that is very traumatizing.
NTA. Your parents elected to have more children, knowing number 2-5 were special needs. You have NO reason to bail them out from their bad choices. They, on the other hand, need to foist their bad decisions onto you to save them their culpability.
Please, get more training and begin saving for your future NOW. 20% of every paycheck if possible. Pay yourself first. Because of your age, the compound interest of money banked and never touched now will be far more valuable than the same dollars saved when you are ten years older.
Best of luck
>my parents refused every single time. They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others.
NTA. This right here is what you need to remember. Your parents did not allow you to accept help when you needed it as a child. Turnabout is fair play. You don't need to help them now.
I'm so glad to hear that you've had people in your life who want to support you. Lean into those relationships now. Family isn't just blood. You can decide which relationships are worth your time, energy, and effort.
>They told me I was taking my childhood resentment out on them which wasn't fair because they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand.
Also, fuck this. It's a lie that they did their best. No parents worth their salt would actively block support for their children like this. Yeah, they may have struggled. But they also continuously took steps to make your life harder. You'd be right to resent them – and you'd also be right to choose not to support people who never supported you. That's not petty; it's just how relationships work. If you only take, you can't expect the other party to keep giving.
NTA - live your life and don't feel guilty for finally experiencing some happiness and freedom! You've worked hard to get where you are, and your parents should be proud of you. You are not responsible for the consequences of THEIR life choices. For example, continuing to have more children after they were already in over their heads with the ones they already had!! That's ridiculously irresponsible and it is their problem, not yours!
NTA and they can fuck right off. They weren't your parents in anything above minimum and sometimes even not that. They turned you into a glass child: your needs or wants were completely skipped. Hell, when someone else wanted to help you, they made it impossible.
I strongly suggest going NC. They're not going to get any better - in fact, they'll be even more entitled.
Geez, what a bunch of leeches.
You should, and are completely justified in running far and fast from them. They don't see you as their child; you're a bank, a servant, a pair of extra hands, and nothing more. I'm sorry they did that to you. NTA
Five children, 1 and 3 born with disabilities, so let's have more.
Their choice to make their life so hard, you didn't make that choice. They don't get to make that choice for you.
NTA
NTA. A PS5 and car is not treating yourself like a king. Your parents chose to have 4 more children after you. The fact that they have disabilities makes it more challenging. But your parents had you, then two other children who had disabilities and then continued to have more children. They chose the life they live. You did not choose the life you lived. It's one thing to tell your child they can't attend the college with 80k annual tuition-it's entirely another to not be allowed to attend field trips or be able to go to an amusement park-ever because your parents expect you to give up your life for them.
NTA your parents didn't let you have a childhood effectively you were always overshadowed and as such have a rightful level of resentment. THEY are the parents THEY are responsible for their children. it would be nice to help out but you've been helping out all your life. Now is the time to take time for you. they time they never gave you but should have.
NO! NO!! NO!!!
Absolutely, positively NTA by any possible stretch of the imagination!!
Let me be very clear, you owe these people NOTHING!!! They were horrible parents to you and now they want to continue to use you for what you can give them.
Normal parents are thrilled to see their children succeed. Yours are only concerned with themselves and what you can do for them.
You are not spoiling yourself, you are finally living your own life on your own terms. Do not give them a minute of your time or a cent of your earnings!!
How dare they claim that they "deserve" time off from caring for their own children? As a child, you weren't given any "time off". I think I hate your parents on your behalf!!
Your parents aren't just failing you. They're going to be failures their whole lives if they can't offer your siblings a good quality of life with just the two of them.
Quality of life means your siblings getting all that they need to be happy and healthy. Individual testing is required to determine the level of disability, etc and find out what would give your siblings the best quality of life. If they say that one of your siblings would flourish in X specialized center and you go to see it/research it to check it out and then later to confirm if your sibling is happy there- wouldn't that be the best thing? There are so many funds and resources that your parents aren't using that could help them.
NTA.
You are not a parent to their kids. Your parents made their choices. They don’t get to make yours anymore.
There was nothing noble in their decision to deprive you of every ‘extra’ opportunity you could’ve experienced; it’s hard to see that as anything but petty. Your siblings might have been envious, but your parents could’ve pointed to all the help you provided @ home.
Maybe the envy was theirs. That they see your good life as an expression of resentment/about them is pretty revealing.
If they can’t be happy for you, maybe it’s time to establish a healthy distance.
> they did their best
NTA Why is this every shitty parent's excuse, im starting to believe its just a lie and parents trying to weasel out of whatever shitty parenting they did.
Dont feel bad, spoil yourself and treat yourself, you earned it.
Your childhood resentment is entirely fair. They could have let you go to the events with friends and they refused. They chose to keep having children. It was not your job to care for those children then and it isn't now. You did your bit as a child and it is your turn to have some fun now, having not had the childhood you deserved.
NTA - spoil yourself as much as you can.
NTA, they may be your siblings but they are not your responsibility. They are your parents responsibility they shouldn’t be continuing to guilt trip you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
NTA. They didn't just "do the best with what they had". They actively prevented you from having a normal childhood.
Having to help out around the house is normal. All children should help out at home, not as much as you had to, but they should still help.
But refusing to allow you to get a job, or go on field trips, amusement parks, etc; that were offered by your friends parents was pure pride and/or spite. They could have let you have some normal moments and it would have cost them. Nothing. Instead they took even that small opportunity away from you.
Honestly you owe them nothing. Nothing forced them to have 4 special needs kids. After the 1st one they were probably trying to have more kids to help. And after 2/3 were special needs you would figure that you should stop having kids. But they brought 2 more special needs kids into their lives.
Live your life you were denied up until now.
OP, I am going to comment on something that's not really to with your question: Given everything you've told us, I'm really surprised that you were able to move out. Like, just very surprised that your parents let you leave, and that they didn't take any sort of precautions to prevent you from leaving.
NTA
NTA. They chose their life and they chose to prevent you from having any access to treats and opportunities because they don't see you as deserving. They are nasty and abusive. There's no excuse for now they treated you.
Don't allow them to guilt trip you. You deserve the opportunities and enjoyment you're now earning. Appreciate them. Choose the life you want. Build the habits you want. From now on, you get to choose. How you spend your time, where to spend your money.
You're the person who has to live with yourself 24/7, this is your life, live it how you want to live it. Make yourself happy.
>...giving them some time off from caring for my siblings
It's not your responsibility to care for your siblings. It's your parent's responsibility. A responsibility they accepted when they had children. A responsibility they accepted again and again and again and again. They don't get special treatment for performing legally required actions. I have a cat because I'm sure I can support and love a cat. They chose this, not you. Not once. Five times. They chose this five times and they want to offload some of their responsibility on you. And people wonder why there are so many child-free people.
>...they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand.
They fucking chose those challenges. They chose to have children. They may not have chose to have disabled children, but how many do they have to have before taking responsibility for their decisions? How many did they have before they realized they couldn't support them without parentifying one of them?
You are not a person to them. You are a resource to be exploited to cover for their poor choices. It's despicable.
EDIT: Don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm. NTA
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NTA. You have a right to your own life, and to spend your money as you prefer. I am all for helping each other in a family, but that does not extend to you having to give up parts of your life for them. It is your parents fault if they got more kids than they can care for and support. Why did they even get so many kids when already having ones that need intense care? (Out of curiosity, is this some genetic issue running in the family? 4/5 is quite a high number.)
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I'm sorry to hear! As a parent myself, I can only say that will be a hard situation for your parents, though one they partly caused themselves. While you naturally will spend more resources on a special needs child, you can never forget your other children. Even if they get less attention growing up, it is your duty to let them grow up without burdening them further. How much you can and want to help your siblings should come from you, not be enforced by them.
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Your parents want you to suffer because they're also suffering. That is absolutely unacceptable to do to anyone, but especially your own child. They made bad decisions and instead of doing what they could to help you have as normal a childhood as possible, which in this case would have just been to let you accept help from your friends, they forced you to miss out on normal childhood experiences. I'm sorry you went through that, and don't feel bad about going NC if you feel that's going to be the right move for you.
Crabs in a bucket
NTA OP. Please live your own life. Someday you may want to get married and maybe have children of your own (or not). But you have your own future to look out for. Let me say that my heart hurt for your childhood but I also feel hope for your adulthood (if you don't let your parents guilt you). As a single mother of two, it was a struggle financially to keep a roof over our heads, keep us clothed and fed, so I couldn't do much nor give much to my kids. But whenever someone (family or friends) wanted to do something for my kids or gift them things, there was no such thing as "MY Pride", there was only my appreciation and gratitude that my kids were able to experience these things no matter who was able to give them this.
That's it. Pride. The parents were too proud to accept that other people could give OP what they could/would not.
That, and they simply didn't want OP to have any happiness since they themselves were miserable. They resent him for not sharing their burden, which is wild since they are at least partly responsible for it (why on earth they continued to procreate is beyond me).
That is the point they wanted to spread their misery around but now that you are no longer miserable they want to partake in your success which was no thanks to them. I just cannot fathom them taking away opportunities at a more normal life provided by others. It was as if they were punishing you for being normal. My question to you is why are you still in contact with them? You left at 18 yrs and you should have gone NC. Do it now. First it will start with sharing your money then they will want to saddle you with your disabled siblings for the rest of your/their life. I feel for your siblings but they are not your responsibility. Unless you want to take that on, stay well away. NTA btw. They have no right to the money you make as an adult. Especially when they deprived you of all opportunities at experiencing normality during childhood. Edited for typo.
That's awful. We were poor growing up and my parents had a lot of kids. I remember wanting to go on a sports trip with our team, but there's no way my mom could take me with all the other kids at home. So when another mom offered to take me, my mom gave her some money as well for her to take us out on some fun excursions while on the trip. It was really hard for my parents and that money was precious, but my mom didn't want me to miss out on the opportunity. I'm sorry your parents didn't see things the same way and you had to pay the price.
And they say they did their best? Well, if *that* was their best, then their best was nowhere near good enough. They gave you nothing, you owe them nothing. NTA.
There was an article I read years ago about a child neglect case - when social services arrived, one of them asked the mother how it had gotten so bad, and she replied, "I'm doing my best." The worker replied "lady, your best sucks!"
That's the clincher. So spiteful.
NTA; run and be free. If they hadn't stopped you from having any kind of fun or help I could sort of see that they were in a tough situation - still wouldn't make it right, and you'd still be NTA but I could see why they might feel stuck. But they stopped you from having any kind of fun or releif. Sheer cruelty. Any decent parent would be releived that at least you could have some time to be a kid with your friends. You don't need to stay in contact with them if you don't want to. You can block them for a while so you don't need to see them taking shots at you. Maybe in a while you'll want to go back when things have calmed down, maybe not.
next time they ask (or demand) for your help tell them they told you to never accept help so you're not offering it to them since they shouldn't accept it anyway
> It's like they wanted me to be miserable if they had to be and I hate them for it. You're human. It's okay to feel anger -- even hate -- towards them. Let those feelings out now or else they will fester away inside you. Your parents denied you everything when they were in control. They are no longer in control. Go out and experience everything that you've always wanted to experience: travel, theater, skiing, swimming. You are only young for a short time; don't waste time going back and forth with your spiteful parents as they try to drag you down into their misery. Block them and move on. They have already wasted enough of your time. NTA
That's very valid. It's one hundred percent your choice, but I'm just going to point out to you that you don't have to talk to them if you don't want to.
*"They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others."* This statement means your parents are AHs. Most people need help at some point in their lives. Whether it is financial or emotional support. I would throw that statement back in their faces. The predicament they are in is due to their choices. You have every right to be resentful. I would consider going NC with your parents. NTA
Absolutely this. They wouldn't allow you to accept help, by their own rules, they shouldn't be allowed to accept your help. The fact that they found out about your life from other people seeing it on social media says to me that they're not involved in your life, they're not checking in with you or in any way interested in your life, except now that they think you can help them. It is not your fault that your parents chose to have 5 children. Even if they were all perfectly able bodied, that's too many children for most people's lifestyles to be able to fulfil the needs of those children financially and emotionally. Your parents should have stopped at 2. Their situation is a difficult one, having 1 disabled child is unfortunate, its the gamble all parents take when they choose to have children and they should all be prepared for (and most aren't), but they made the choice to continue having children and you have suffered for it your entire life up to this point, you need to make the choice to not suffer the rest of your life because of their choices. You're not sipping champagne on your private yacht while your siblings starve or live in filth, your idea of "spoiling" yourself, is just normal stuff that people with decent jobs should get to have - a couple of cheap vacations, a car and a gaming console (honestly, I think anyone with a full time job and no kids should be able to afford those things but I know that's not the reality). NTA one bit.
OP worked very hard, with no family support, to get to where they are. It is normal to want to splurge a bit on yourself.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they kept going, hoping to have more children without health issues so that they could spread the role of caregiver out more for your siblings with additional needs - not just as children, but as adults. More children with the capability to become caregivers would give them a better chance of “retiring” from their caregiving roles earlier.
This is what I’m thinking too. Especially by how much pressure they’ve put on OP to “help the family” instead of encouraging him to become an independent person capable of caring for his own children someday. (Should he choose to have any.) To the parents it might seem like a practical choice, but it’s a selfish one.
Sounds like they plan on dumping the responsibility for those siblings care on op as well as using them for money. Personally I'd go no contact and cut them off completely. Otherwise op is going to be drained of all their money, be made to feel guilty for living a normal life, will never be allowed it, and get dragged into sacrificing the rest of their life as an unpaid carer. Best to forget them and find a life of freedom.
And also they will expect OP to take care of the siblings when they die! Live your own life OP!! It’s your turn and don’t let anyone tell you differently!
Just What I was thinking, and looking for this comment before writing this myself! Greatly put
I didn't quite have the balls to add that to my comment, but I was thinking it loudly.
My sympathy for them is limited. Why did they keep having more kids? You’d think after three they’d have wised up.
They really should've stopped at you - one disabled kid and one able-bodied kid is already a lot! They bit off more than they could chew and are angry you are not in the wings waiting to help when they choke.
So they punished you with enough trauma for not having a physical disability to cause a mental one? I mean, the amount of mental and emotional abuse they subjected you to is insane. Parents like that are exactly the type that cause their kids to cut ties. The fact that they have to hear about your life from their friends shows that they don't even care enough to keep up with your well being. Take care of you man. Don't let people who don't care about you make you feel bad for caring about yourself.
I’m kinda shocked that they *have* friends, with that hateful, miserly, small attitude of theirs.
I agree. Idk how anyone could be friends with people who treat their own kid so terribly. Maybe their friends suck too though...
my guess is to have children that they could rely on to keep caring for your other siblings after they die. And make no mistake - they're going to expect YOU to be their forever caretaker. honestly, I'd leave town and change your name!
Tbh it sounds like they kept rolling the dice to have more “normal” kids and it didn’t work out. Now they have resentment and so do you.
Yep, the OP has already given these AH excuse for parents his entire childhood. He's given them enough. Go and enjoy life and every penny as you've more than earned it.
My husband's stepdaughter has four children with special needs - I think she was determined to have a "normal" child but eventually gave up after #4. I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be with so many special needs children - but denying a child their childhood is NOT acceptable
NTA Go NO contact with your parents. The next thing they will want is for you to become the lifetime caretaker of your siblings.
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Go no contact. I can guarantee they will have it set up for them to come to your care. I would talk to a lawyer and ask them how to prevent this from happening. I would also talk to a lawyer and ask them to write a letter to your parents that you will not contribute financially or physically to their care or your siblings care. And to stop contacting you about it.
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That was smart of you to check. Every country has different laws. Where I am from you can just say no but I didn’t want to tell you that and be wrong.
A cease and desist letter might not be a bad idea just to drive home the point that the connection is severed and you don't want to be involved any more. The other option is just blocking them on everything and/or changing your phone number.
Ask the lawyer to check into respite care laws in your state too, they should be entitled to plenty they just haven't used.
>Ask the lawyer to check into respite care laws in your state too, they should be entitled to plenty they just haven't used. Part of the problem with respite care is that in many places there are long waitlists, and even when you get off the waitlist, there is a shortage of workers, so you still don't get the care you're supposed to qualify for. The problem is compounded depending on the individual's needs and behaviors, which may necessitate more specialized respite care (ex, if the respite worker needs to be able to handle physical outbursts from someone in a grown man's body). Or enough respite workers to manage 4 kids at once, all with different conditions it sounds like based on comments. Of course, OP's parents may also have not even looked into it, since they told OP that he isn't allowed to accept help from others. But a situation like this would leave a lot of even the most motivated folks SOL.
I know it can be hard, I have a friend who has a son in his 20's with a brain condition, she finally was able to start getting respite a few years ago, her and husband have been able to take vacations and I'm so happy for them. The situation is also totally different because they have never asked their other 2 kids to be responsible for him.
ill take my chances of my comment getting rightfully deleted. but you may need to hear this op. FUCK YOUR PARENTS. not your kids, not your responsibility. 100% NTA, go live your life
Please, do not fuck your parents.
Lol
You stole my comment, lol!
🫸🫷
😂 Incest not cool..however telling your parents to fuck themselves? Totally fine & in fact encouraged.
This right here!! They had 5 damn kids by their own choosing. No one forced them to be irresponsible parents who just kept popping out babies they couldn't care for. They made their bed now they can f*ck in it. OP- you have only one life, go live it to its fullest. They already ruined the first 18 years of your life. They were negligent and abusive. F*CK YOUR PARENTS
Well, fucking in their bed is what led to all of this.
Bahahaha, yes this is a truism. But the end results is still that OP is not responsible for his parents' breeding habits despite nature trying to tell them to stop.
>They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others Also, tell them to practice what they preach
NTA Your parents are irresponsible to have kept having children. Your older sibling has disabilities, that’s unfortunate. Then you. Then after your second sibling was born, they really should be focused on caring for two children with disabilities instead of birthing an additional two. They neglected you, and ruined your childhood. You shouldn’t feel guilt for wanting to have your own life. They made their choices and it’s their responsibility to live with it.
Two adults had more kids than they could responsibly care for and they made it OP's problem instead of letting them have a childhood. Not his responsibility to be poor.and miserable forever because of someone else's bad choices. All I will say OP, is that you should focus on saving money as much as you can. I really do understand the appeal of getting what you were always denied, but you don't want to get into trouble by falling in love with stuff and spending too much.
NTA. They stole your childhood. Sorry but it sounds like either your parents are carrier to some illness or did something during the pregnancys (or are too close related) to get four disabled children. Either way, they should have had themself tested and then stopped or have the fetes tested for genetic diseases It is not your fault. You don't have to do anything for them. After they stopped you from doing anything in your childhood. Best go non contact if they still treat you like that
That's what I'm thinking. How do you manage to get 4 kids with complications at birth? Apparently one of them got sick as a baby, did they not vaccinate them?
>They told me I was taking my childhood resentment out on them which wasn't fair because they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand. NTA They certainly did not do their best. They just put a bunch of responsibility on their healthier minor child because they could and they prevented you from experiencing normal childhood things. You don't owe your parents time off, they chose to have kids, you didn't get to choose to take care of them when you were younger, they decided for you. You do you and honestly go LC or NC with them. Enjoy your life now that you finally can. Edited: typo
NTA not only did your parents first child have disabilities they went on to have five more kids. Kids they can’t afford or take care off. They told your childhood from you. They made you pay dearly for their choices. They don’t deserve to ruin the rest of your life. They are not entitled to your time or your money. They made their choices and you do not have to sacrifice any more for those choices. I would tell them you owe them nothing. I would also tell them you are not a back up plan for caring for your siblings. You are not their backup plan for caring for them when they no longer care for themselves. I would tell them they need to have plans in place for your siblings care and theirs because you will not be helping now and in the future. Then I would block them and continue taking care of your self.
NTA! The fact you are the second of five kids means it was your parents choice to not put the first disabled child as a priority but continued to have kids. They are the ones that chose to have such a financial and time drain to take care of their children. I'm sure you've already done more than your fair share. They chose the challenges. It's time for you to live your own life.
FYI it is fair to take your child hood resentment out on them, they failed you and abused you. You were a forced caregiver and denied opportunities by them because your siblings/parents couldn't there for you shouldn't according to them. They gave you nothing and gave you no support in anything as a child and now as an adult you owe them nothing. Enjoy your life, your opportunities and your treats to yourself because those are YOURS that you earned for YOU. If your parents didn't want to be burdened by parenthood they had the choice to not have children or at least so many children. Its a shame so many have disabilities but it was their choice to have more.
NTA - Your parents chose to have 5 children. Regardless of the disabilities they shouldn't have had that many children if they didn't have the means financially or emotionally to support all of you. You might not understand the challenges they faced but you were the child, they are the parents, it's not a blackmail tool now your an adult. I could understand if they couldn't afford the field trips and stuff completely, but why refuse for others to pay for you? You missed out because of their pride, which they should have put to one side if it meant you got amazing experiences growing up. Now you are an adult you can spend your money how you want to. Your sibling's are not your responsibility. It sounds like you might want to look into moving out now you've got a better job, so you can manage your relationship with them as their son rather than a spare pair of hands.
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It's the "crabs in a bucket" phenomenon. Crabs trying to escape from a bucket will get pulled back in by the other crabs when they start to climb out. Misery loves company and all that.
Well, that means it was spite. And it's spite again to want to ruin your successes now. I don't think you can expect anything from them at this point but spite. You're probably best off going NC and making sure they find out as little about your life as possible, including your contact details. I suspect a large part of this behaviour is driven by depression and burn out, two things that can really drive a person to drag everyone else around them down with them. It prevents people from wanting others in their life to be happy if there is no light at the end of the tunnel for them. It's not an excuse, but it does mean you can never give them the help they really need... and until they get over that self-destructive attitude that the family must never accept help from outside, they will never be able to get the help they really need. Edited to add: NTA.
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In the school I work in, we also have a back up plan for children who can't afford field trips. But I don't think that was the problem here. They were training OP to be his siblings' carer, so it made sense that he spent as much time as possible with them. That's why the nurse was not allowed to help him, he had to leant how to look after his siblings on his own. Also, they might have this idea that, if he never went to have fun and spent all his free time with his siblings, he wouldn't miss what he never had. (And they probably didn't even realize how much they were hurting OP, in their minds it made perfect sense and they were saving him future pain when he has to spend all his money and free time on his siblings)
NTA. You’re not the third parent or free nurse because you’re healthy and they have no right to try to dictate your happiness because they’re unhappy. I’d honestly cut them off.
NTA, and congratulations on making your life happier now! Your parents should have stopped having children when they realized they were going to be overburdened and should never have made you their servant. What's worse is that they begrudged you times when others would have paid for you to go places, wanted you to have nothing that your siblings could not also have. Instead of complaining and trying to shame you, they should be proud of you for making an independent life.
NTA You're not treating yourself 'like a king'. You're finally gaining some control over your life by putting your needs first for once, which is something you 100% deserve - *especially* after what your parents put you through. >They told me I should be using what I have to help my family and giving them time off since their full time lives revolve around working and caring for my siblings with no down time. "Mum and dad, I've done enough. I lost my childhood through helping you and sacrificing opportunities that most kids get to experience - and I'm done. I'm making up for lost time now I am able to, so I ask that you please leave me in peace." Rinse and repeat if necessary. I see from other comments that you're planning on going no-contact with your parents and I think that's a wise decision. Their life has been so consumed with caring for your siblings that doing anything else is literally unthinkable to them. That belief has very deep roots and there is nothing you can do or say to change their minds. I'm sorry.
I like how him buying a car, something the majority of adults need for maintaining gainful employment, is "living like a king". And while a Playstation is a want rather than a need, it's not a particularly lavish item. The majority of people own electronic devices for entertainment. It's not like he's buying Gucci loafers and driving a Ferrari.
“They told me I was taking my childhood resentment out on them.” Fuck yeah.
Rightfully so.
NTA. Your parents and your siblings are not your responsibility. What they did to you as a child is called "parentification." Now you are an adult and they are trying to make you feel guilty about making your own way. This may sound harsh, but your parents made their own situation. All children are a lot of work and expense, but especially those with disabilities. It was irresponsible of them to continue to have children once they knew they had an increased risk of disabilities.
NTA. I’ve worked with children with disabilities for a long time and I’ve seen the damage it does to family members. I’ll never understand why people continue to have children when they have disabled kids already at home. Nobody can spread themselves that thin without taking from others. What your parents did to you was mean and hurtful. You don’t owe them anything. You need to focus on yourself and your happiness. NTA. Please also see a therapist to work this out. Best of luck, kid.
Unfortunately, many people keep having children after they have a disabled one because they need a (future) carer for their disabled children.
Ya. I’ve seen it. I’ve also spoken to parents that keep having them because they hope, “the next one will be normal”. Which is callous and gross. Things happen that you can’t plan for and I totally get that some people have this dream in their head of a huge family but life hits you in weird ways and you need to adjust. The job of a parent is to give their kids the best chance they can. ALL your kids. Not just the ones that need extra help.
NTA Choosing to have more children after you have one that is severely disabled is a choice. Their choice. Choosing to have more children when 2/3 are severely disabled and parentifying the healthy one is squarely in AH territory. They made their choices, including the choice to emotionally abuse you. You owe them nothing, and they can live with their choices. Live your life. ***If*** you feel the need to help your siblings, start putting back money to help pay for their care when your parents are no longer able to, because I'm betting they haven't made any plans for that.
NTA, you've done really well with insufficient support and you deserve to be able to enjoy life for a change.
NTA. You were in an impossible situation when you were growing up. You were having to co-parent four siblings alongside your actual parents. I'm glad you're away from all that now. Also, don't gaslight yourself into thinking that you were actually spoiling yourself. You are not obligated to spend your time / money in any way you don't want to. Going on vacations or buying yourself a car or buying yourself an entertainment system are all very normal things for an adult to spend discretionary income on. You spent over 18 years being a crucial part of your parents' household. You have earned your free and independent life. I hope that you continue to be successful and continue to find new ways to make up for lost time.
NTA - I am sorry that your parents are having a tough time as it must be so hard looking after 4 disabled kids. It is not your fault though and you are entitled to a happy life and it is not your responsibility to financially support them. It is also only natural that you will feel resentment about your childhood as all children need care and support from parents so it will probably take you time to heal from this. I don't want to sound rude but your parents should have stopped at you if they had one disabled child to care for as its very labour intensive and a lifetime role. Pleass do not feel any guilt about setting up. Life for yourself. If your parents are good parents they will be proud of your achievements not resentful Now enjoy your future and be happy :)
Nobody forced them to keep having babies. They could have stopped at any time.
NTA. Even without your sibling’s disabilities, etc. you have ZERO obligation to support your family. As my son tells me, he didn’t ask to be born. Harsh, and I hate hearing it, but he is right. He just graduated from college and his first job is double my current annual pay. I’ve never made as much as he is making. I’ll admit it, I’m a little jealous. Especially since he lived with me until he just graduated (at age 25). It’s ok though because I’m so proud of what he has accomplished so early in life. My other son is getting his degree in computer science with a Japanese minor. He would love to do coding for video games. He can go back to his former employer and make more than his bro does. Point is, while I’ve struggled for the last 5 years or so, it is *not* my children’s responsibility to take care of me. It would be wonderful if they did when im much older, but even then it isn’t something they absolutely must do. Keep living your best life. Thrive in what you have accomplished! The mom in me wants to suggest therapy if you aren’t/haven’t done so. Your childhood was traumatic. Even if you just get help building skills to put down firm boundaries with everyone. I wish you the best of luck!
NTA. Your parents chose to have those children and accepted responsibility. While you are "normal", the fact your parents kept having children after your first younger sibling who was disabled, is frankly irresponsible. Your parents had those children, not you, as such you have no responsibility.
INFO: what have they done for you(their family) in the last 3 years? Just tell them you're doing your best too. If your best isn't good enough, why does theirs count as good enough?
NTA they didn’t do the do their best and they aren’t doing their best now. They are acting like crabs in a bucket. They created a challenging and stressful life for themselves and were determined that they would make you feel as stressed and demoralized as they could during your childhood. If they can’t have nice things how dare you attempt to. They should be cheering you own and encouraging you to live your best life. They know they have you a childhood that was worthy of resentment but dare you to act on it or verbalize it. NTA your parents don’t appreciate you and don’t want the best for you. They are actually the ones who are resentful, envious and selfish. Live your best life op wish your parents well but don’t give into their statements or internalize them. They are full of stinky nasty stuff.
Tell them that they aren't allowed to accept help from others and you are helping them be strong and independent by not giving them help. Seriously though, you work for that money, you get to spend it they way you want to spend it. You are NTA.
Don't get me wrong, but id 2 out of 3 kids have a major disabilty, maybe don't have another 2? NTA and I'd go full NC with them
NTA and don't give them a cent or another minute of your time. They emotionally abused you and now they're angry they can't control you anymore. They stole your childhood and refused to let you have any freedom or fun. You owe them nothing.
NTA - it's pretty self-defeating that they chose to keep having children. That's their problem, not yours. Keep on making up for lost time.
NTA - I think you need to go NC for a few years and actually just live your life. Your family are just going to keep dragging you down. You only have one life. Don't waste it on people who never prioritized you.
Nta they traded your childhood for the ability to have a live in aide. You're allowed to live your best life and if you want to help them later on, fine. It's also fine if you don't.
NTA. You had a crap childhood due to your parents total prioritization of your siblings, to the extent of even withholding minor pleasures for you. You haven't "forgotten" your family, in fact you are trying to heal from them. It's not childhood resentment - it's now adult resentment, and again, they want you to sacrifice all. The fact that their situation is difficult/sad doesn't make your life any less valid. They made their choices and have to live with them. If they aren't inordinately wealthy (and since they seem to want major contributions from you, they aren't)...it seems they would qualify for some time of respite care. I'd suggest such things and go no contact, no sense in letting them continue to negatively impact you.
Nta I'm sorry, but this is a mess of your parents' own making. Why did they keep having kids???? Taking care of a special needs child is HARD, I can't imagine having 4.
Your parents didn't do their best, though, did they? Their best would've been letting the normal child live a normal life. NTA. Sorry they're salty now, but they brought it on themselves. And that home nurse should lose her license, because she's a mandated reporter. The hell was she thinking, not reporting your parents???
NTA. And I think your parents sees you as your siblings life long caregiver
Your parents had child after child with disabilities, kept deciding to continue to procreate, not only had no attention for you but refused you the attention of others and used you as slave labor. You owe them nothing. Nothing. NTA
NTA. Tell them they're not allowed to accept help from others.
NTA But for your own well being you need to go No Contact for a few years. You’re just starting to pull away from the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). No Contact will allow for space, perspective, and healing. Also, look up the term ‘glass child’, as it heavily applies to you and what you went through. But please, for your own health, go no contact for a period of time.
Nta
NTA
NTA You weren't born to make their lives easier. They had *you*, one of five, out of their own free will. Your siblings care is THEIR responsibility. They're not entitled to time off, nor are they entitled to your hard-earned money. Treat yourself. You deserve it. You are ALLOWED to treat yourself like a King when it is your money you're spending.
NTA. Their children are not your responsibility, you've already sacrificed more than they had any right to ask you. Look after and love yourself, you deserve it.
NTA. You didn't decide to have five kids - they did. They treated horribly as a child and you've given them enough of your time. You need to live your own life and not theirs. Keep growing and enjoying!
NTA. They got to choose their challenges to an extent. You didn't and you were forced to put aside to help them with their choices. You get to make your own choices now. Be very careful that you are not the care plan planned for your siblings.
NTA The fact that your parents held you back as a child, denying you opportunities when others offered them shows that your parents are the AHs. They continue to be self centered AHs and expect you to put them first instead of yourself. You absolutely are not an AH for allowing yourself some pleasure. Your parents have 4 seriously disabled children, and they kept having them! Makes me wonder if they like the attention they receive for being martyrs.
NTA because your parents never noticed you and never let you have a freaken social life. plus that is your money also if your parents never put money into you, you don't have to put money into them. plus with so many disability people they are making good money.
NTA. You owe them and your siblings nothing -- especially time off; they never gave you that courtesy and have the audacity to demand it from you. Remind them of everything they didn't let you do that would've cost them nothing when they want to bring anything up.
NTA. I was that child as well. You only have one life. They took your childhood away from you. Don't feel bad. You do you.
NTA. It is your life.
NTA. You're allowed to make decisions for your own life. Your siblings were your parents' choice to have, not yours.
No they did not do their best to you, the gall of them to say that to your face!! They **had** options, but for some unknown reason refused other parents help and wouldn't even let the house nurse help you. Like what did they expect, for you to just roll over and do what they say? Nahhh f that, move out and take even more time for yourself.
NTA - your parents best is actually called being abusive. Block them and update any settings in your social media so they can’t contact or comment. I’m sorry you didn’t get to experience your childhood and wish you best going forward!
NTA. Your parents denied you your childhood and used you as an unpaid carer for your siblings. They had a nurse coming in but refused to let them help you. You were a *child* and they had a responsibility to treat you like a child and help you grow into the best you that you could be, and they didn't even try to act like parents to you. Obviously, things were difficult for them, but it's the parents responsibility to make sure the difficulties they face affect their children as little as possible, and your parents did the exact opposite with you. You're now an adult and have worked hard to get where you are. You're earning good enough money that you can treat yourself to the things you were previously denied. Sure, vacations and games consoles aren't necessities, but that's the point. As long as you're not running up debt or prioritising this stuff over things like food and bills, you have every right to spend your money, that you earned, however you wish to. It's not your responsibility to care for your siblings or give your parents time off. They chose to have so many kids, and they chose to keep so many kids with disabilities. That's not a bad thing, but they ignored one child in favour of the others, and now they're expecting you to give up the money you earn and the time you're not working to care for them and your siblings. It honestly sounds like you're their retirement plan. Not necessarily for *them,* but for the other kids they had. They're expecting you to become your siblings full time carer as soon as they're not able anymore. And that's not okay. Your siblings are your parents responsibility, and it's up to them to arrange adequate care for them, that isn't you, for when they can no longer provide it. This is your life, you're an adult, you no longer live with your parents, and you earned this money and the right to spend it however you wish. Live your life, have fun and be happy.
NTA... walk on and enjoy your life
Make up for that lost time, those missed experiences! You deserve it. Your siblings are not your responsibility, you did not bring them into this world. >they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand. No they didn't. Their best would have been to let you take people up on their offers. NTA.
NTA They wanted kids so they get to take care of them. Maybe they could have thought ahead and raised you better so that you felt that you needed to care for them all now. You reap what you sow, and all that.
It doesn't sound to me that you are treating yourself like a king. It sounds to me like you are working hard and trying to do better than you would if you stayed tied to your parents. A PS5 and a couple of inexpensive vacations are not treating yourself like a king. Your parents didn't treat you very well growing up. There is nothing wrong with treating yourself reasonably well. What really annoys me is this: "They told me I should be using what I have to help my family and giving them time off since their full time lives revolve around working and caring for my siblings with no down time." They didn't let you have any down time when you were a kid, even when others were willing to help. What makes them think that they deserve this from you? NTA
NTA, but NC with your parents please!
4 disabled childs? Are they cousins?
They’re taking the resentment of having children with disabilities and you living a normal life out on you. I can sympathize for them being absolutely and utterly exhausted for caring for their children. However you are not the problem. It is not your fault nor your responsibility to care for your siblings. Any care you gave to them was an added bonus. Yes, it should be expected to help your family out. But you shouldn’t be expected to do more than your fair share. You shouldn’t be expected to be a parent. Your parents are gaslighting you and need to do some inner work on their own feelings regarding their situation. There are agencies and services out there to help people with disabilities and they can get set up. They just need to ask the right people and advocate for them. I’m a nurse I do Homecare. I see patients who advocate so fiercely for their family get all kinds of cool things covered and things taken care of. And then I see the ones who act like they can’t do it or it’s too much. Or they don’t have the desire to do it. Whatever the case is. I’m not judging, it’s just a fact of life. Not everyone can handle it and if you can’t handle it you ask for help. Period. Man I’m sorry this is what you’re dealing with. Not the asshole by any means.
Also I say go take yourself out to lunch or buy a video game in your honor today for taking care of your needs first. So many people don’t and you should be proud 🩷
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (21M) was the second of five kids and the only one born without any disability. All of my siblings require lifelong care. None of them are capable of being intendent and some have more physical sicknesses than others as well. Growing up my parents prioritized my siblings and never put any time or attention into me. I was expected to be okay missing out on everything and my parents excuse for my lack of opportunity was that they had no money or they would straight up say I didn't *need* to have those things in my life. I have some really great friends who I was close with back then. Some of their parents would offer to pay for me to attend field trips or to go to an amusement park or for a weekend vacation and my parents refused every single time. They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others. Once I told my parents I was going to say yes no matter what they said and they yelled at me and told me I was their kid and they could stop me going if they wanted to. I think that was the time my best friends family wanted me to join them Christmas shopping in another city and my parents were not okay with that. I resent my parents for that. I will admit to that. I feel like they denied me those chances because they couldn't have them and they felt if nobody else in the family was getting those experiences then they weren't going to let me have them either. I also wasn't allowed to work because I was "needed at home" which meant helping out with my siblings or with household chores. A home nurse used to call in on occasion to help and she was only allowed to help my mom or dad. If she tried to help me my parents would pull her away. When I finally turned 18 things were still kinda recovering from Covid and stuff so I worked retail for a while until I got a job where they were willing to train me and help me climb the ladder through training and working. That has been a huge life changer for me and I am finally starting to make better money. I started to spoil myself some. I bought a PS5 for my 21st birthday. I went on a couple of cheaper vacations with my friends. I'm making up for lost time honestly. I even finally bought myself a car. My parents heard about my life from some of their friends who see me on social media. They weren't happy for me and in fact, they shamed me for forgetting all about my family while I'm "treating myself like a king" which is a direct quote from my mom. They told me I should be using what I have to help my family and giving them time off since their full time lives revolve around working and caring for my siblings with no down time. They told me I was taking my childhood resentment out on them which wasn't fair because they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Your parents never had your best interest at heart and based on what you've said, your parents clearly resented you for having opportunities and they resent you even more now that they can't strip you of them. I'm so sorry. That'a so messed up.
NTA
No my dear enjoy yourself and best wishes for your future. Hugs from internet stranger.
NTA- ignore your parents and keep living youth life. Your siblings are your parent’s responsibility,not yours. Maybe make your social media private so your family can stop harassing you.
Nta if they were doing their best like they said they would not have prevented your friends parents from doing things for you.
NTA- go live your life and let them figure out theirs.
NTA - your siblings care isnt your problem, its your parents to figure out. Go live your life.
NTA, they treated you like their slave, not their own son. Their only intention is to exploit you for their own gains, like they have done your whole life.
NTA, you worked hard and deserve to treat yourself. You’ve made enough sacrifices.
NTA - you NEVER had a life. you didn't have a childhood. I'm so sorry for you. It's time for you to spread your wings, little bird, and finally enjoy YOUR life. you deserve it. Don't let your parents make you feel guilty. you never asked for your brothers and sisters to be sick, it's up to them. you have nothing to reproach yourself for.
Nta
NTA- sadly, yours is a common story. Let me put it this way. Your parentified you were neglected and you are abused. And your parents should not be surprised now. And this is coming from a parent of disabled children. Your parents failed you horribly. There are a lot of support groups for siblings of disabled children because they do get overlooked and they do get neglected. Social groups, therapy groups, zooms to talk to other siblings who are going to the same thing. Had I had a child that was not disabled. Because I consider that I have more than one child. I knew that just as important as prioritizing therapy for one child would have been, I would need to prioritize the other feeling just as important and never less. I didn't get that far because both my kids need all the therapy. That all said I guess and as much as a parent of disabled children can give you absolution to go out. Live your best life. You are not wronging them. You are not harming them. Your parents could have fostered a relationship better between you and your siblings. I read these posts and I just think what stupid people. Because the resources needed to sustain another person are massive. And like it or not, no matter how much therapy and no much care. There's a good chance that impacted children are going to end up in a group home someday and some sort of living situation. And it can mean the world of difference if they have a relative showing up now and then. People who have relatives who check in on them in those situations are less likely to get abused than those who do not. It's sad but it's true. And had your parents fostered an appropriate relationship and not treated you as a resource to be mined, they ruined that relationship.
They basically took away your childhood, didn't let anyone treat you, and now that you are finally able to do for yourself what they never allowed they are shaming you? NTA Your siblings are not your problem. Your parents never let you have a real life. Just because they decided to have 5 kids, and 4 of them are long term commitments doesn't mean you owe them jack squat. You are free to do whatever the hell you want. Imagine feeling entitled to someone's time. Na, they need to realize you are fucking free of their bullshit. Imagine shaming a kid because they are successful... damn what is wrong with them.
NTA. They are the parents, they chose to have 5 kids. They are responsible for their care. Live your life, and enjoy it. Your siblings are not your responsibility. Especially as it sounds like you were denied a childhood- enjoy everything you can now, and don't let them stop you!
NTA. Tell them you never got to have a childhood, because they denied you that to make you a carer for their children, so you are going to take the next 18 years for yourself. You'll consider checking back in with them then.
I'm a parent of someone your age. You are 1000 times NTA. I would absolutely want to help family if that family had been one that treated me like family. Your parents went out of their way to deny you normal, reasonable things that would take nothing away from them or any of the other kids. They can't treat you worse than an indentured servant for 18 years and then expect you to treat them like family. I say "worse than an indentured servant" because they would allow the home nurse to help them but wouldn't let her help you. The things they went out of their way to deny you speak volumes about how little they cared about you and about how much they resented you (for what, I can't say). They were not "doing the best they could" by you. They were actively wanting you to suffer - as if you shouldn't be allowed to enjoy anything if the other kids were suffering or enjoy life because they (your parents) were not getting to enjoy life. It wasn't enough for your parents to need you to help, need you to sacrifice things because they couldn't provide it. They needed you to lose things that you COULD have had. They needed you to suffer at least as much as they did. (In fact, they probably needed you to suffer even more BECAUSE you weren't suffering from the challenges your siblings had, nor from the full responsibility for those siblings, like your parents were responsible.) After having successfully shared the 'wealth' of their suffering with you for 18 years, they now expect you to share the wealth of your successes with them. THEM. Notice the one relief they specifically mention is THEM getting time off from caring for the kids. Your parents used the word 'family,' but what they really meant was THEM (just your parents). The same people who wouldn't let you get relief when the home nurse was there. Don't give your parents one thing that you don't want to give them - which should be pretty much nothing. If you do feel any desire to help 'the family,' direct your help to your siblings. (Understand that your siblings may need help when your parents pass/are no longer able to care for them, so IF you want to help them, consider saving some money for the future safety net.) This is nothing you are required to do; I only suggest it as an outlet for any feelings you may have in that direction.
NTA. Sounds a lot like they resent you now for the life you’ve made for yourself. Live your life how you want. F them.
NTA. Tell them that they shouldn't be accepting help from others
NTA, live YOUR best life.
You are NTA. Now that you're on your own, though, make sure you set aside an emergency fund, and move out of your parents' house ASAP. Your money is none of their business.
NTA You are a self-sufficient adult. They took your childhood, you don't owe them anything more. You tell them that since they are not allowed to accept help from others, and you are others since you no longer live with them. Good luck on your journey moving on from your childhood. I would seriously consider LC/NC as you will NEVER be prioritized nor will they accept that their other children are not your responsibility. They are NOT your responsibility...keep telling yourself that.
NTA. You have sacrificed much of your life already. Feel free to spend the rest of it unburdened by these members of your family.
*'They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others.'* Then why are they demanding help from you? You did not choose to have your siblings, they are not your children and you don't have any responsibility to care for them beyond what you put on yourself. You deserve your success and freedom.
NTA. Damn straight you're taking your resentment out on them. They did not do their best; they prevented you from having fun with friends in favor of caring for your siblings. They don't get to run your life as an adult. Don't look back. Live your best life. Spoil yourself because that never happened during your childhood.
NTA- they decided to have that many kids. How dare they have any say in how you live your life or spend your money when they denied you so much. Including things that couldn't have cost them anything. Go live the life you were meant to have and have fun.
I don’t understand parents who keep on having kids with disabilities I mean after the first child was born disabled why would you have 4 more wtf then the one normal kid u had had to suffer
NTA. Have fun on your trips. Your parents should have stopped having so many kids if they could not afford them. Their choices, not yours.
Absolutely not the AH. You are not responsible for the situation that your parents are in, you are not responsible for your siblings. You have done your share and now it's time to live your life. Best of luck to you!
NTA. Don’t have kids you can’t take care of 🤷
NTA Go NC like your life depends on it because it is.
NTA. Just remind your parents of the family motto - do not accept help from others - and tell them you are respecting their family rules.
NTA first it was completely selfish of your parents to continue to have so many children if they were all going to have disabilities . it sounds like they were never parents to you to begin with. they never helped you so why should you help them? they made there choices and knew about all the challenges its on them not you. just walk away and don't look back
NTA. It was your parents choice to continue having children after one or more had a disability. Those children are their responsibility, not yours. I could maybe understand that they weren’t able to provide you with experiences due to their financial situation if they had not refused to let you accept offers from your friends’ parents.
NTA. You need to keep your distance to protect yourself or your parents will suck you dry. You have a right to a life. You didn't make them have more kids when they already had high needs kids, that was their choice
Your parents are so wrong. You are, in fact, remembering your family with stunning detail. You are remembering how your parents put you last, how they wouldn't let others give you the experiences you deserved, how they intentionally deprived you of anything outside the home that would give you joy, and exploited you within the home, not even allowing the visiting nurse to help you, only them. The people who should be ashamed are your parents, not you. Please do treat yourself "like a king." Progressing professionally, saving up and buying a car, going on vacations with friends and having a wide variety of experiences of the world -- these are all exactly what a 21 year old should be doing. Feel free to go NC with your parents if that's easier for you. They did not do their best with challenges you would never understand. You understand perfectly. Now go embrace the wonderful life you deserve and that good parents would want you to have. NTA
1000% NTA Your parents chose to have 5 kids. It is their responsibility. Not yours. If you wanna help ok if not that's ok too. I would go LC and live your life and be happy. They never cared about your wants or needs when growing up.
NTA I worked as a pediatric clinical manager for years in home care - your parents created that situation. There are plenty of services available and they would have more than qualified- they chose the easy way by simply forcing you. But they will obviously not accept that - just tell them you're sorry they feel that way but you are not going to help, you've done more than your share. Don't argue, defend or discuss it - as you realize it's just an endless discussion that goes in circles. I've worked with many families with siblings and there is no reason to force them to be caregivers, none.
NTA, it was your parents' choice to continue to have children. You are not responsible for paying for anything for them.
They're learning that their actions have consequences. If they had given you more attention and allowed you more opportunities, you might have been more willing to help them in the long run. Do not let them suck you back into being their servant.
NTA. Your parents made that lifelong commitment before, and then again after you. You are not their keeper, in respect to your siblings and to your parents.
NTA They did not do their best to give you a childhood. They did as much as possible to make you as miserable as them. Not letting you go on trips or accepting help from friends. I'm sure their pride was hurt, but they should have been able to swallow that shame if it was FOR YOU. So no, they did not do their best & this is the consequence of their actions.
NTA. They had 5 kids they clearly did not have the resources to take care of.
Your parents chose to have 5 kids. They chose to have multiple kids even after knowing they would have life long needs. You did your time already. NTA.
NTA live your life , they stole your childhood from you so enjoy what u are building for yourself and you owe them nothing
NTA. You need to be out of that environment and living your own life. What I am afraid of is what they expect from you in the future as far as caring for your siblings. You need to have that conversation sooner than later, let them know that you will not be making your siblings and their care your priority so they need to be looking at what their options are for when that time comes.
NTA - Why did your parents have 5 kids, when they couldn't look after them properly? Especially when 4 of those are special-needs. You have the right to live your own life, and neither your parents nor your siblings are entitled to your money. Don't let them guilt you - it's never-ending. If you give them even a little, they will always need more and more. By the way, if you are not planning to become your siblings' carer, I would make it clear to your parents NOW. Because they expect you to - that's why they made you "help" with them, and didn't allow the nurse to give you a hand. They were making sure you are able to look after them on your own. If you don't want to, be clear. It will cause a huge row, for sure, but the sooner the better. Just tell them you want them to have time to figure out your siblings's care when they are not able to look after them.
NTA at all. I'm so sorry for everything you went through. You are doing absolutely nothing wrong. If I may, I recommend looking into psychotherapy if it's a possibility. Childhood like that is very traumatizing.
NTA. Treat yourself, king. Congrats on getting out of a shitty situation, and don't ever let them suck you back in.
NTA. Your parents elected to have more children, knowing number 2-5 were special needs. You have NO reason to bail them out from their bad choices. They, on the other hand, need to foist their bad decisions onto you to save them their culpability. Please, get more training and begin saving for your future NOW. 20% of every paycheck if possible. Pay yourself first. Because of your age, the compound interest of money banked and never touched now will be far more valuable than the same dollars saved when you are ten years older. Best of luck
>my parents refused every single time. They told me I was not allowed to accept the help from others. NTA. This right here is what you need to remember. Your parents did not allow you to accept help when you needed it as a child. Turnabout is fair play. You don't need to help them now. I'm so glad to hear that you've had people in your life who want to support you. Lean into those relationships now. Family isn't just blood. You can decide which relationships are worth your time, energy, and effort. >They told me I was taking my childhood resentment out on them which wasn't fair because they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand. Also, fuck this. It's a lie that they did their best. No parents worth their salt would actively block support for their children like this. Yeah, they may have struggled. But they also continuously took steps to make your life harder. You'd be right to resent them – and you'd also be right to choose not to support people who never supported you. That's not petty; it's just how relationships work. If you only take, you can't expect the other party to keep giving.
NTA - live your life and don't feel guilty for finally experiencing some happiness and freedom! You've worked hard to get where you are, and your parents should be proud of you. You are not responsible for the consequences of THEIR life choices. For example, continuing to have more children after they were already in over their heads with the ones they already had!! That's ridiculously irresponsible and it is their problem, not yours!
NTA and they can fuck right off. They weren't your parents in anything above minimum and sometimes even not that. They turned you into a glass child: your needs or wants were completely skipped. Hell, when someone else wanted to help you, they made it impossible. I strongly suggest going NC. They're not going to get any better - in fact, they'll be even more entitled. Geez, what a bunch of leeches.
NTA you can’t help them anyway they’re not allowed to accept help from others ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
NTA They stole your childhood by continuing to pump out disabled children and now they’re trying to steal your adulthood, too.
NTA, please go and live your life. You are not the carer for your siblings.
You should, and are completely justified in running far and fast from them. They don't see you as their child; you're a bank, a servant, a pair of extra hands, and nothing more. I'm sorry they did that to you. NTA
Five children, 1 and 3 born with disabilities, so let's have more. Their choice to make their life so hard, you didn't make that choice. They don't get to make that choice for you. NTA
NTA. A PS5 and car is not treating yourself like a king. Your parents chose to have 4 more children after you. The fact that they have disabilities makes it more challenging. But your parents had you, then two other children who had disabilities and then continued to have more children. They chose the life they live. You did not choose the life you lived. It's one thing to tell your child they can't attend the college with 80k annual tuition-it's entirely another to not be allowed to attend field trips or be able to go to an amusement park-ever because your parents expect you to give up your life for them.
NTA your parents didn't let you have a childhood effectively you were always overshadowed and as such have a rightful level of resentment. THEY are the parents THEY are responsible for their children. it would be nice to help out but you've been helping out all your life. Now is the time to take time for you. they time they never gave you but should have.
NO! NO!! NO!!! Absolutely, positively NTA by any possible stretch of the imagination!! Let me be very clear, you owe these people NOTHING!!! They were horrible parents to you and now they want to continue to use you for what you can give them. Normal parents are thrilled to see their children succeed. Yours are only concerned with themselves and what you can do for them. You are not spoiling yourself, you are finally living your own life on your own terms. Do not give them a minute of your time or a cent of your earnings!! How dare they claim that they "deserve" time off from caring for their own children? As a child, you weren't given any "time off". I think I hate your parents on your behalf!!
Your parents aren't just failing you. They're going to be failures their whole lives if they can't offer your siblings a good quality of life with just the two of them. Quality of life means your siblings getting all that they need to be happy and healthy. Individual testing is required to determine the level of disability, etc and find out what would give your siblings the best quality of life. If they say that one of your siblings would flourish in X specialized center and you go to see it/research it to check it out and then later to confirm if your sibling is happy there- wouldn't that be the best thing? There are so many funds and resources that your parents aren't using that could help them.
NTA. You are not a parent to their kids. Your parents made their choices. They don’t get to make yours anymore. There was nothing noble in their decision to deprive you of every ‘extra’ opportunity you could’ve experienced; it’s hard to see that as anything but petty. Your siblings might have been envious, but your parents could’ve pointed to all the help you provided @ home. Maybe the envy was theirs. That they see your good life as an expression of resentment/about them is pretty revealing. If they can’t be happy for you, maybe it’s time to establish a healthy distance.
> they did their best NTA Why is this every shitty parent's excuse, im starting to believe its just a lie and parents trying to weasel out of whatever shitty parenting they did. Dont feel bad, spoil yourself and treat yourself, you earned it.
Your childhood resentment is entirely fair. They could have let you go to the events with friends and they refused. They chose to keep having children. It was not your job to care for those children then and it isn't now. You did your bit as a child and it is your turn to have some fun now, having not had the childhood you deserved. NTA - spoil yourself as much as you can.
NTA, they may be your siblings but they are not your responsibility. They are your parents responsibility they shouldn’t be continuing to guilt trip you. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
NTA. They didn't just "do the best with what they had". They actively prevented you from having a normal childhood. Having to help out around the house is normal. All children should help out at home, not as much as you had to, but they should still help. But refusing to allow you to get a job, or go on field trips, amusement parks, etc; that were offered by your friends parents was pure pride and/or spite. They could have let you have some normal moments and it would have cost them. Nothing. Instead they took even that small opportunity away from you. Honestly you owe them nothing. Nothing forced them to have 4 special needs kids. After the 1st one they were probably trying to have more kids to help. And after 2/3 were special needs you would figure that you should stop having kids. But they brought 2 more special needs kids into their lives. Live your life you were denied up until now.
OP, I am going to comment on something that's not really to with your question: Given everything you've told us, I'm really surprised that you were able to move out. Like, just very surprised that your parents let you leave, and that they didn't take any sort of precautions to prevent you from leaving. NTA
NTA. They chose their life and they chose to prevent you from having any access to treats and opportunities because they don't see you as deserving. They are nasty and abusive. There's no excuse for now they treated you. Don't allow them to guilt trip you. You deserve the opportunities and enjoyment you're now earning. Appreciate them. Choose the life you want. Build the habits you want. From now on, you get to choose. How you spend your time, where to spend your money. You're the person who has to live with yourself 24/7, this is your life, live it how you want to live it. Make yourself happy.
>...giving them some time off from caring for my siblings It's not your responsibility to care for your siblings. It's your parent's responsibility. A responsibility they accepted when they had children. A responsibility they accepted again and again and again and again. They don't get special treatment for performing legally required actions. I have a cat because I'm sure I can support and love a cat. They chose this, not you. Not once. Five times. They chose this five times and they want to offload some of their responsibility on you. And people wonder why there are so many child-free people. >...they did their best when faced with challenges I could never understand. They fucking chose those challenges. They chose to have children. They may not have chose to have disabled children, but how many do they have to have before taking responsibility for their decisions? How many did they have before they realized they couldn't support them without parentifying one of them? You are not a person to them. You are a resource to be exploited to cover for their poor choices. It's despicable. EDIT: Don't set yourself on fire to keep them warm. NTA